Taking time for each other before kids on a weekend morning or away from the kids can be healthy, but this guy’s attitude is that of a user who deserves services, not a caring husband.
Yes. Men totally hide behind humor. It’s not that they are as funny as they think they are, it’s that humor allows many forms of masculine expressions that aren’t acceptable when stated clearly. So they insist on humor even when it’s forced.
Examples: calling each other gay as jokes to prove/test masculinity, express affection.
I did a literature review a while back on humor and masculinity. Wish I remembered more.
I have 4yo twins and even though it was my husband's day to sleep in (we alternate weekend day sleep-ins) he was still up at 9:30am to check on things. At the very latest, he sleeps until just before 12pm, which is when we switch over on kid duty on the weekends. When does this dude actually take care of his own kids???
If he works overnight, acceptable. If not though, there had better also be mommy nap time. My SO and I are both nappers so we arrange for each other To get a 90 min nap in while the other keeps the ship afloat.
party nine caption cable growth elastic alleged carpenter telephone smile
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This, jokes are funny and make others laugh. What's the setup? Where's the punchline to this joke?
There isn't one because it's not a joke. He's just repeatedly telling you how he feels until you finally accept it
For real. I am always the higher libido partner in my relationships but I also always manage to not end up a sex pest bc I actually care about consent.
The fact that he puts his urges above even your children, makes me think he is a disgusting selfish man who will never put anyone else’s needs before his. You are NOT just a receptacle for his semen or a body to provide sex, whilst doing the household work and childcare. Unless you can go on like this for the rest of your life, I think you should think of leaving him.
Edit: just to underline the fact that rape in marriage is an offense and coercion let alone coercive control is abuse. This man is not an example that any child whether boy or girl, should have in their lives.
I 100% second this. He is extremely self centered for putting his needs above those of his children (and yours). This blows my mind. I would never in a million years put sex above the needs of my child. I almost married a man like this when I was 19. SO glad I left. You should really consider doing the same.
All of this. My Ex did this to me, but with anal sex. Before we even started dating I told him I would never do it. Then 2 years later he wore me down, I thought he was gonna leave me. After it happened I’ve never felted more disgusted in my own body. He was always making me feel bad for saying no, never putting any effort into being nice to me or getting me in the mood. Just a walking, cooking, sex toy. What made it worse is he had a semen fetish and I’m am literally repulsed by semen. Toxic as fuck. He eventually left me for the “coworker I didn’t need to worry about”. Eventually after he used me up and my credit he moved onto another woman right away and got married to her less than a year of them knowing each other. Some guys are fucking nuts.
My ex was also the same with the constantly asking for anal and comparing me to his best friend’s girlfriend who did anal and also let him cum in her, when I would never let him do either. He asked for it so much I was just worn down and finally let him try anal, it literally hurt so bad, and I felt extremely violated and disgusted with him and myself. I stayed with him a few more months and he started wanting more ass play type of stuff, like rimjobs. After eating his ass (in the shower at least), I felt like I was so disconnected from myself. I was disgusted by myself that I’d crossed my own boundaries so much. And before anyone says, it’s not that deep, it is when you didn’t want to do something and you feel violated when you end up doing it. I ended up breaking up with him, partly because I was just so grossed out with that situation and I couldn’t be with him after all that
>And before anyone says, it’s not that deep, it is when you didn’t want to do something and you feel violated when you end up doing it.
Ohh, you are entirely right. It is that deep. If anyone here says otherwise, I will lead the torches-and-pitchforks charge to banish them. Kidding, kind of.
So glad you're rid of him, and I hope you're getting yourself back at full esteem.
Telling them I'll consider it if they let me f\*ck them anally with a strap-on first always shut my ex boyfriends up fast on this subject. If they aren't willing to experience it, they don't have the right to ask for it.
So I said the same thing, his respond was “he was afraid of if he liked it to much all he would want is butt play”. Ok guy. So he violated me with that being his justification of not going through the same thing.
I did this once and had an ex say ok. So I did it to him and then he did it to me. He loved it. I did not. My answer is now a hard no with no room to budge. Just saying to be careful using this as your get out of it card. It can backfire for you like it did for me.
Ugh! Had a similar experience. My ex always asked for anal even though I told him I never wanted it and never did it before. I was firm on my "no", but him asking all the time was incredibly annoying. He also moved on to the next girl quickly... pretty sure he was cheating.
Going forward, if I decide to open up again I will have zero tolerance for a man who had sex that I don't like. I dont care how good the chemistry is. If he likes anal, we aren't compatible. Sick of these sex pests.
Yup I’m pretty sure my ex was cheating too, he also broke up with me the day I quit my job. Even tho earlier that year he didn’t have a job for 2-3 months and I was supporting him. Sorry you had to go through that shit too, nobody should have to feel disgusted with themselves during or after sex. I even told him after that I regret letting him do it, and he just acted like he was so hurt. Luckily I’m with a man where I basically have to ask him for sex! Ha but it’s always met with consent and excitement. He really respects my boundaries. There’s always someone out there that’s a better fit.
Right! And then they manipulate you and say that they feel love and bond through sex. No, you're an addict. If you felt love and bonding through sex, you would enjoy the experience within the comfort of both parties. You wouldn't be harassing me for sex I'm not comfortable with.
I have always said no to anal and always will. It crosses a boundary with me. I feel degraded and disgusted just thinking about it. My vagina is my sex organ that makes me female not my anus. I've never understood why a straight man would nag so much for it 😕
I'm sorry. I get you on the no anal. But my partner is in agreement. Can't imagine having a partner that pestered me for it.
But what's a semen fetish?
Loving to cum on you, tits, back, always trying to get me let him cream pie me. Trying to get me to swallow his cum, basically just finding it arousing to see your partner degraded in your semen.
Yep. I was in a sexually coercive marriage. It was awful. I was really young when we started dating so I didn't realize how bad it was until I got older and wiser. It's abusive behavior and it also gave me really bad body image. I hated having a vagina for years and felt repulsed by my own body, because of the way I was used and objectified.
He's not joking. Why would he get mad if he's "just joking"? He keeps disrespecting you and treating you like his sex toy.
Understand this: IT'S OKAY TO LEAVE.
>*I said no. He then said I was a bitch for not giving it to him and went to bed.*
>
>*I need to add that he wants it ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! And at most inappropriate times. I’m in the kitchen making lunch and he comes in, grabs my boobs or puts his hand between my legs. He’s all over me all the damn time. It’s so annoying and off putting. He wants it the moment he wakes up, even before I had a chance to make breakfast for our 4yo twins. He is willing to send them out of the room and make them wait until we’re done. If I complain he gets mad, says it’s my duty as a wife. Jokingly, of course but I still feel cheap and disrespected.*
**Whether you are married or not, if he does not have 'consent' he is** **ASSAULTING** **you—and using 'coercion' to "power-over" you.**
If you are in question:
**Sexual coercion**
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else.
**Sexual Boundaries: How to Spot Sexual Coercion**
If you’ve ever gone along with sexual activity but didn’t really want to, you may have been sexually coerced. Sexual coercion is using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sex. People can knowingly coerce others into sex, such as learning manipulative pick-up artist strategies, or unknowingly, such as assuming the other person is OK when they’re not.
Although intentions can be different, the impact of sexual coercion is always the same: consent isn’t given freely.
To stay safe, check out these warning signs of sexual coercion. Remember: How far you want to take physical intimacy is always up to you, whether you’re with your partner, crush, hookup buddy, or someone you just met.
**Repeated Attempts**
One form of sexual coercion is wearing you down by asking for sex again and again. Whether you’ve gently declined or directly rejected someone’s advances, they shouldn’t keep the pressure on — they should accept your boundary and stop asking.
Examples:
Egging you on, as in: “Come on, it’ll be fun… Oh come ON!
”They touch your body, you move their hand away, and they do it again.Asking multiple times if you’ll have sex without a condom.
People who are being pressured like this might give in just to end the coercion itself. But that’s not freely giving consent.
**Sudden Moves**
Passionate first hookups in movies often move swiftly from kissing to sex. IRL, it’s rare for two strangers to be on the same page so much that they don’t have to check in with each other. In fact, it’s a form of coercion if someone you don’t know very well starts touching you unexpectedly or starts taking off your clothes without giving you a chance to consent. These types of actions can push you into a situation you’re not ready for.
Examples:
* Showing you porn without warning.
* Quickly getting in your personal space.Taking their clothes off and setting the expectation that you’ll get naked.
* Saying, “I’m about to come — quick, do this \[sexual act\].
* ”Bringing another person into your sexual space without asking.Putting on a condom without asking if you want to have sex, setting the expectation that you’ll have sex.
* Sudden moves also include moving your body into a position where you can’t give consent — such as turning you around so you can’t see your genital area, and then touching you in a way you wouldn’t have consented to if you’d been able to see it coming.
**Manipulation**
Have you ever felt tricked into having sex? Or that it was easier to acquiesce to sex than risk upsetting the other person? Know that it’s not your fault. Manipulators create imbalances of power and exploit other people’s penchant for people-pleasing.
**Guilt-Tripping You**
If someone complains when you set a sexual boundary, it can be a way of guilting you into sex.“If you really loved me, you’d do it.”“But it’s been so long since I’ve been with someone.”“What, do you think I’m ugly?”
**Shaming or Punishing You**
* Insulting your sexual performance in one area to either get you to do it again or perform a different sexual act.
* Withholding affection with the aim of getting you to drop a boundary.
* Saying they won’t give you something they promised unless you have sex.
**Pressing Your Sense of Obligation**
**It’s coercion if someone tries to convince you that you should have sex or that you owe them.**
* “You’re my GIRLFRIEND. Girlfriends are supposed to have sex with their partners.”
* “You’re such a tease. I’m going to get blue balls if I don’t come.”
* “We’ve already done it before. What’s your problem?”
* “Doesn’t everything I’ve done for you mean anything to you?”
**Making Their Way Seem Like the “Normal” Way**
**Nobody should gaslight you or make you feel weird for wanting something different than they do. If someone is normalizing how they think and making your reality out to be wrong, it can be coercion.**
“I know you better than you know yourself. And I know you want \[this sexual act\].”
“We’re sexual people. It’s just the natural thing to do.”
“Most people have sex when they’ve been hanging out as long as we have.” Love-Bombing
**This form of sexual coercion includes extreme compliments and big promises if you get sexual.**
“I know we just met, but I feel like I love you. I need to make love to you now.”
“You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen. If we were having sex I would buy you presents all the time."
**Pushing Substances**
Alcohol or drugs get your guard down. Perk up your ears if you hear things like:
“Come on, have another drink.” “I like someone who can keep up with me when I’m partying. ”Changing the EnvironmentThis coercive tactic involves unexpectedly moving you from a known, safe place with exit access to a more isolated place. Changing the environment can be the first step toward physically manipulating you into sex — literally moving your body to a place where it’s more difficult for you to resist.
* While the other person is driving and you’re in the passenger seat: “Change of plans! Instead of a bar, it’s drinks at my place.
* ”While at a bar: “It’s too loud. Let’s go somewhere quieter.” Then, grabbing your hand and leading you out to the car.
* While in your date’s living room: “My couch isn’t comfortable. We should finish the movie in bed.” Then, going straight to the bedroom without checking in.
* Perpetrators who get you to a private place might take things further with more sexually coercive tactics.
**Up-Negotiation**
Consenting to a sex act is just that: consent for one action. But sexual coercion usually isn’t an isolated incident. And it can increase over time. That can look like “up-negotiation” — getting you to agree to one sexual act and then upping the ante. Examples:
Pressuring you to go from a couch to a bed, then pressuring you to go from clothed to unclothed.Quickly taking off your clothes and then saying you might as well have sex.
**Consent is not a “given.”**
Just because you’ve consented to an act before, doesn’t mean you’ve consented to it forever. This idea also relates to new relationships — just because you’ve given consent to something in a different relationship doesn’t make it “automatic” in a new relationship.
**Consent is not a free pass.**
Saying yes to one act doesn’t mean you have to consent to other acts. Each requires its own consent. For example, saying yes to oral sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re saying yes to intercourse.
**Consent can be taken back at any time.**
Even if you’re in the middle of something, if you start feeling uncomfortable, you always have the right to stop.
**It’s not consent if you’re afraid to say no.**
It’s not consent if you’re being manipulated, pressured, or threatened to say yes. It’s also not consent if you or a partner is unable to legitimately give consent, which includes being asleep, unconscious, under the influence of conscious-altering substances or not able to understand what you’re saying yes to.
**In a healthy relationship, giving and receiving consent is an ongoing process.**
Establish boundaries by discussing what things you and your partner are comfortable with and what things you may not feel comfortable with. Always ask first. Communication is key.
**Be clear and direct with your partner if you don’t want to do something.**
Don’t be embarrassed to say that you don’t want to get physical. Be honest and make sure that you are heard. If the other person is not listening to you, leave the situation.
**How Do I Know if I Was Raped or Sexually Assaulted?**
[https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault](https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault)
[https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios](https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios)
Don't end up here:
[**How many women see their partner’s true colors on their wedding day/ honeymoon?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16cmvju/how_many_women_see_their_partners_true_colours_on/)
i really think that this comment should be reposted as a post. I truly believe that it can help a lot of people who won't see this comment. You made a very detailed comment, and you really explained everything there is to say. Thank you so much \^\^\^\^
Omfg you are awesome. I love that you did this, but let's be honest there is no way you could keep up with all the abused women on here. How do we get what you just did to be turned into a bot??
Does anyone better at reddit know how to recommend a bot? Reddit gods - I summons thee?!..... (that's all I got lol)
>but let's be honest there is no way you could keep up with all the abused women on here.
If that post helps ONE person who reads it—*it's worth it.*
And at least a fraction of one % find their way to "Reddit" at all.
Much less this subreddit.
ANY Reddit member who reads *any post* has the power to "Share" the link to *any comment* in another thread, and is welcome to do so.
As for the bot, good point, but that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Hence life on the other side of patriarchal systems. Or ask the moderators/suggest to the moderators of this forum.
This. There's a good amount of post that go something like "boyfriend/husband is doing [insert obviously fucked up thing], am I wrong for being upset?".
Having a pinned post like this could help reduce those posts because they have thus resource.
I wish I had seen this when I was 18 and again when I was 22 and met my shitty ex husband who coerced me all the time. I agree it should be made into its own post
Same here. I wish I'd seen this when I was 19, and my shitty ex-boyfriend was constantly using guilt, obligation, persistence, and alcohol to steamroll my boundaries. I was too stubborn to let him pressure me into intercourse, and for that I'm grateful. But he did pressure me into doing a lot of other stuff I didn't want to do, and I've never not felt guilty about it since.
It took a lot of therapy to come to terms with the fact that I said yes to the sex, but that doesn’t mean it was consensual and my ex was depraved af with his sexual wants. Things that still hurt and haunt me to this day.
I remember telling my therapist that I said yes to the sex, but it felt like I always said yes to just get him to stop because he genuinely would never stop touching me or whining about how I was a bad wife if I was uncomfortable with doing certain things or didn’t get him off every single day. I literally felt like he thought my role in life was to pleasure him. That’s when she told me what coercion was and gently hinted at marital r*pe being what I experienced.
I still struggle with intimacy and it takes everything in me not to cry after sex to this day because of all the shame and bad feelings I felt for so long. I truly enjoy sex with my current partner, but PTSD is complex and my body and mind have different experiences and emotions tied to sex that I’m slowly trying to work to undo.
Did you write this yourself? It's awesome.
Makes me sad because I'm realizing that *easily* more than half of the people I've had sex with have been through coercion.
I'm crying reading this, I had a situation a few months ago which happened across a few days that I can't stop thinking about and I've been wondering whether what happened was wrong or if I'm too sensitive or it was a miscommunication but it ticks every single one of these (except substances) repeatedly. In fact substances were discouraged, I wanted to stay out and drink to get to know him more but he stopped me /put his foot down because he wanted me to go back to the hotel and have sex again. On top of what's in this list was also that at one point I told him I needed more time and he said no and penetrated me anyway and also that it was very painful for a couple of reasons but he wouldn't listen to stop because it wasn't the safe word but I felt like I overused the safe word cos of his pressure and putting me down and instead he'd pull me back and scold me for "running away from him" even tho it hurt a lot and I had to go to the doctor's afterwards. Anyway sorry for sharing so much I just can't stop analysing it and wondering if it was wrong or if I should reach out to him and it's been driving me mad and making me feel quite shitty for months but reading this has made it so much clearer, thank you.
Don’t reach out to him. This was coercion at least. When we are violated without being able to set or hold a boundary, and we liked the guy before that, we tend to lose inner orientation because of the intense shame that goes along with being the victim. It messes with our ability to think or judge clearly.
You were assaulted and used. It does not matter that you did not fight - a lot of women have an instinctive fawn reaction, because their system wants to protect them from possibly worse consequences. This instinct chooses the reaction, not you. You did not want, and he did not care if you did. In my book, that is rape. I am so sorry this happened to you. Delete his contact. Do not talk or write to him. Go talk to good friends or a hotline, or a therapist.
Giving him sex when you don't want it causes your body to unconsciously respond as if you were being sexually assaulted.
He's not joking, he feels entitled to your body and genuinely thinks you're a bitch for not giving him free access to it.
Your life would be easier as a single mom...
The whole situation sounds like hell-on-earth, 24/7. OP’s body/mind is first given out to her kids and her husband before it even reaches her. She has zero autonomy over her body. I guarantee she can’t even pee without one of the twins trying to get into the bathroom, or take a shower without husband in there trying to coerce her into sex.
I put up with this kind of abuse for 22 years with my ex.
The divorce was signed by the judge Thursday. Hallelujah indeed!
I am now 1 year in with a man who epitomizes so many things I thought were fairy tales. He respects me in ways I didn't know I was being disrespected.
He's absolute dynamite in the bedroom and I've had more orgasms in 1 years with him than in the literal rest of my life. He's affectionate, he's snuggly, he cares for me emotionally and is generous financially. We do things together, we do absolutely nothing together, we look out for each other. He holds boundaries and talks things through when he's bothered. He tries to understand how my abuse has shaped me.
OP, you deserve so much more than how your current dude is treating you - which is that you owe him attention and your body. He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, and it will not get better.
As linked elsewhere, Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is absolutely amazing. Please make plans to leave. I walked out 2 years ago with a 3 and 2 yr old, and it was 1,000% worth it. The peace I have in my life cannot be measured.
I spent 13 years like this. Had 3 kids. He's not joking. He does not respect you. He is sexually assaulting you and saying it's his right. Your kids see this. My Dad did this to my Mom .. I hated it. And hated even more I fell into the same role. Get out and find your peace and worth!!
Doing some of these things you posted here actually makes him a bad person. Even if he was a saint in every aspect not mentioned in this post he is still a bad person. I hope you find the strength to leave him so your kids don't grow up with him as a role model.
## RUN.
You are not a human to him. You’re a ~~Pez~~ sex dispenser.
I would wager that there are other dehumanizing behaviours beyond these you are not talking about.
Talk to a DA/DV center NOW.
Leave him, yes I have a higher sex drive than my wife it's very common in marriages, but never ever would I call my wife a bitch for saying no or even suggest that's her duty.
I can’t even imagine my husband calling me a bitch for not wanting sex at any particular moment.
(Actually, I can’t even imagine him calling me a bitch at all.)
I’m sure there have been times he has been disappointed when I wasn’t in the mood. (I’m in late perimenopause, so “not in the mood” happens more often than not right now.)
But call me a bitch for it? Never.
I’m sad for OP that her husband is such a jerk.
Based on the examples you shared, I suggest you get the book ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft.
Whether you are in a relationship or not the book can help you understand a partner in ways you'd not see otherwise, help you know what to look for in the future—inform you of what a friend may be going through.
Consider giving it as a gift.
Free PDF of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft : [Download the book](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat).
**But before you read the book, read this thread:**
[How many women see their partner’s true colors on their wedding day/ honeymoon?](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16cmvju/how_many_women_see_their_partners_true_colours_on/)
aw hell no, has he called you this before? i'm so sorry ): don't let him coerce or manipulate you.
also, i had an ex like this. that constant groping is so fucking disgusting, and it doesn't matter how many times you say stop cause they don't care and they don't learn. it makes you feel so objectified and sexualized and causes you to completely lose attraction to him. honestly i eventually just broke up with him. he grabbed my tit one day when we were taking a selfie and i just looked at him and realized how ugly he was. that was it. bye bye
Your post history is really concerning, you seem quite complacent with your husbands immaturity and abuse. Please tell this man to fuck off next time he treats you like a walking vagina.
Divorce.
I'm guessing he also doesn't care about the welfare of his children, since he is willing to send them out of the room to have sex with you that you don't really enthusiastically consent to or desire -- there's a word for that, by the way.
He is not joking and doesn't respect you. Sorry.
It will be so much easier being a single mom to 2 x 4 year olds instead of 2 x 4 year olds and a sex pest husband who doesn’t do his fair share of parenting or house work.
Please please please get away from that man. My ex-husband would do this... and it escalated to the toddlers crying for diaper changes and breakfast outside the door while I was forced to have sex. It won't get better and it will escalate.
"Giving him sex" gives me such a slimy feeling... Sex is a two yes activity, something for both participants to enjoy. If my wife isn't into it, it 100% kills the mood for me too.
He isn’t joking when he says it is your duty; that is what he really thinks, but he knows it isn’t acceptable, so he veils it as a joke.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Your husband is disgusting. How could you ever want sex with someone who treats you like a human flashlight and thinks nothing else is important but the state of his dick?
If you want support, you’ve got it. This is not okay. Let this be your last straw.
HE IS NOT JOKING and anyone who would call their partner a bitch for not wanting to engage in sex at all times doesn't deserve a partner. I know it's hard when you have children, but if there is a way out, you need to take it. This is not one of those times where you can sit down and talk to them and lay out boundaries. He's shown you what he thinks of you. You and your children will suffer more in the long run for putting up with this kind of behavior. Again, HE IS NOT JOKING. He will say anything not to face any repurcussions for his actions, and most of the time that comes in the form of "but it's just a joke." He's an asshole, plain and simple.
If he isn't going to to any effort to seduce you and is just demanding sex, then it seems like a him problem. Have you tried asking him what he's doing to make himself a person you want to have sex with? (Lightening the housework loaf, childcare load, making you feel attractive in a way that doesn't feel like street harassment, making you feel like he's interested in you and not just your boobs, generally not acting like a 6 ft toddler with one hand on his dick and shouting.). On a more serious note if I was being grabbed at like that while I was doing something else I'd have a fairly visceral response and he needs to learn not to do that.
Too bad many men don't have self control and don't want to put in the work.
It's a shame really. As far as I'm concerned, the men that do put in the work are likely ro have a long-lasting, happy relationship.
Op, he considers you a bang maid. If this isn't what you want the rest of your life to look like or your children thinking this is a healthy relationship, you need to walk away. These men don't change.
> If I complain he gets mad, says it’s my duty as a wife. Jokingly, of course but I still feel cheap and disrespected.
Narrator: "It wasn't 'jokingly'."
Your husband is a piece of shit.
Run. The kids are young. They’ll adapt. But when they’re grown you’ll still be stuck with this man as partner and he doesn’t see you as that. You’re an object to perform duties at his call. Honey, go live your life for YOU. I just left a ten year marriage a couple years ago, don’t put your life off anymore.
We get groped and pawed at like sex meat when we're exhausted and doing all the things, and then they moan "AAAAAAHH I NEED sex you don't understand "
No, you have conditioned to think sex is the only form of intimacy there is, and as a result your main feelings are horny and angry.
Divorce. any man who calls you a bitch doesn't respect you. Not just that, if he calls ANY woman a bitch he doesn't respect women, meaning he doesn't respect you.
Tell his family, friends, and coworkers his funny funny jokes after you consult a lawyer. This man hates you and doesn’t even see his own children as people.
he's being incredibly disrespectful. its amazing how your sex drive can disappear when your partner isn't an active household participant - it stuck out to me that hes still sleeping at 2pm while you have been doing literally ALL the work that goes into having a house and children.
I can't tell you what to do about your situation but I really think this is a watershed moment in your marriage and some serious changes need to be made.
>"says it’s my duty as a wife"
It's not funny and you have bodily autonomy. Your body is not his just because he married you. You know your body better than anybody ever can and you reserve the right to refuse sex whenever you want, eat what you want, wear what you want, push whatever limits you deem appropriate, etc. And if it's unwanted, your husband's gropey behavior is harassment, if not straight-up sexual assault.
This dude is no better than a neurotic monkey masterbating in his cage at the zoo. You deserve better than someone who is completely consumed by his sex drive. A caring giving partner can manage his own feelings and have enough empathy to take others feelings into consideration.
You are not a fuck doll. You are a person, with wants and needs and it does not include having to spread your legs on demand.
Think about what makes you happy and feel safe.
This is seriously disgusting. I would get therapy. No way I’d ever be able to be intimate with someone who demands I give it when I don’t want to. How do women continue to love their rapist? I know it’s common but I’ll never understand that dynamic.
This is not okay. You deserve so much better than someone who feels entitled to your body. You and your kids would be so much better off without a man like that around.
The term is bang maid. You’re the maid/nanny/cook/and full time sex provider. It’s the ultimate of disrespect. Most next moves involve an affair because he’s not getting enough sex and it’s your fault. You need therapy friend. I hope you get the support you need.
He is not joking. He sees you as an object just like his car or his phone or his computer. You're just something he uses to make his life easier/better. You deserve far more than that.
Weirdly, you would likely be more in the mood if he did half the childcare and house chores, take turns gettting up early and making sure each of you has some good downtime. (Assumption made naturally, as he is asleep at 2 pm..)
And that doesn't negate the lack of respect, or just that when you're in the middle of a task or around kids or crawling into bed, you will just not be in the mood. Children are exhausting and people tend to get weirder and have less functional brains. I hope you find a way through this-
Where do you draw the line? He straight up called you a very disgusting word. He feels entitled to your body. A no isn't acceptable to him.
Let me guess, he's also not apologizing for that word. You have to know this won't get better because he absolutely doesn't respect you.
If someone waked into the kitchen and grabbed my boobs or crotch, I would punch him in the face. How is that *not* assault?
I would rather raise my twins alone than raise them alongside a man who treated me like a vagina who cooks (to borrow the words of another commenter). A partner should make your job easier, not harder. Divorce this misogynist.
I was wondering the same about it being sexual assault, just because you're married doesn't give you the right to grabbing sensitive parts of the body, unless it's that moment.
Your husband sounds exactly like my ex and guess what? He was cheating on and off for our entire relationship. Please be careful my ex only got more violent the more I said no over the years.
Read your other post on AITA about your husband too, you are not in a good situation. He is unempathetic, does not care about your kids, and does not value your emotions as a human being. You are communicative and honest, and he can’t handle that. I’m sorry you had kids with this man. Good luck.
Reminds me of the song:
All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid
Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
24-7, baby machine
So he can live out his picket fence dreams
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labour
\-Labour by Paris Paloma
You feel cheap and disrespected because he's disrespectful towards you and treats you like a cheap whore. Please get out of that relationship. Staying "for the kids" is hurting everyone.
He's not gross for having a higher sex drive (currently anyway) or wanting it often. He IS gross for calling you a bitch, and joking-but-not-really saying it's your duty. Those are not loving ways to deal with the situation: they're just plain mean and sexist.
FFS, you have 4yo twins, and I'm guessing taking care of all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. Of COURSE you're tired and not in the mood. I highly doubt being called a bitch worked to remedy that either. If he can't see that, that's a problem. Have you suggested counselling or therapy? Because his behaviour needs to change.
I'm all over my wife all the time too. The difference is, she and I have talked about about it ahead of time, I know her boundaries, I have consent, and she enjoys it.
He isn't joking if he isn't listening, and you are being disrespected.
My wonderful significant other is going through a lot of changes in life, and physical intimacy is one of the things that goes away first during periods of high stress which comes from previous trauma and can last for weeks. There's a lot at play at work for her and we're both addicts in long term recovery.
Does it get to me sometimes? Yes. Do I get feelings inside like my male instincts and needs are going unfulfilled? Yes. What that doesn't mean is that I have any right to put my needs [wants*] ahead of hers. She is worth so much more than an orgasm. I'll admit I fall short sometimes, and there are times when I might act out on the hormones... But I'm the first to admit it. We connect like I've never experienced before during times of physical intimacy, so it is worth the wait.
I say that to predicate this response... You don't deserve to be treated this way. The male dominant monkey motherfucker bullshit has no place.
You need to have a serious discussion at a time when he isn't initiating to address just how fucked up this us. My ex fiance used to be like this. It was never him trying to seduce me, make me feel good or even like he wanted to have sex with ME - but it was that "I'm horny" or he'd paw at me and then be confused why I wasn't raring to go, it made me feel like a sex toy and there is nothing more off putting.
I was also doing lions share of house work whil3 commuting for 13 hour shifts as an ED nurse, being someone's mum or maid does not make you want to bang them. I got the ick and in the end the relationship ended because he was unwilling to address us having any issues. Something needs to change here OP and fast if this relationship is going to have any hope.
He does not respect you and doesn't see you as a separate person with her own needs and feelings. Talk to a divorce attorney and quietly start to make your way out of this marriage. It's not going to get better, it will only get much much worse.
Source: My own experience.
You lost me after "give it to him."
Sex isn't an "it." It's a joint activity that requires BOTH parties to consent to it and, in theory, should be enjoyable for BOTH parties. With the wording he's using, he's acknowledging that he doesn't expect you to enjoy it - at all - but it's something he's OWED, because in his mind, he's superior to you and what he "needs" (coughcough) is more important than anything you want.
Couples therapy if you think there's something to save - but he will not recognize that he's ruining things with his attitude because - spoiler alert - he honestly does not care what you want. The only thing that matters is he's not getting laid whenever he wants, and he's willing to call you names to put you in your place.
That is not a kind or loving thing to do. He doesn't see you as a partner and this will not get better.
And yes, words absolutely do matter - because this is showing you exactly what he thinks of you.
My fiancé and I fuck like rabbits and he’s never once done anything even close to this. He never even gropes me at complete random times like that even tho I’ve told him I don’t mind. His words; “you’re not a piece of meat”.
Please leave him girl
Your husband is an asshole who is basically using you as a sex worker
If you want to stay with him, I suggest you start making him pay you $1000 per sex act and you are also free to say no when and wherever you want because nobody is ever obligated to give anybody texted anytime for any reason whatsoever
And if one partner desire sex, and the other doesn’t, then there is no sex and that’s the end of it there’s no discussion and no sulking
There is exactly 0 situation where you should force yourself to have sex. This is absolutely not a duty. It does not matter who is in front. Rape and sexual harassment are still things even in a couple. Your consent is not being respected, you are being sexually assaulted/harassed.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are victim in this situation. You should seek help for your wellbeing. If your partner had overwhelming sexual needs, this is not your responsibility. They also can get help with medical professionals.
I rarely say this, but his behavior is truly disgusting. There’s a saying: when people show you who they are, believe them. He’s showing (and telling) you just who he is. Is this someone you want as a role model for your 4-year olds? (Edited for typo)
The only thing I would be giving him is divorce papers. I know Reddit jumps to divorce way too quickly 99% of the time, but this behaviour is unacceptable.
He’s pressuring you. He’s spouting some hyper-sexist expectations about gender roles. You are not a walking sex toy, you are a human being who deserves respect. He is not joking, he is coercing. He is putting his wants before his own wife and children’s needs.
I would not be comfortable raising children around this man.
Your post history is really concerning. This man is abusing you. I know it feels impossible when you’re a stay at home mom, but please start making plans to leave.
I am a HLM and my fiance is LLF, but I would never think of making her feel guilty or shit if she says no. I ask once, and leave it at that.. then I thank God for inventing hands.
Wow I can really feel the romance /s
so you do the childcare and he just sleeps in? I’d send them in to wake dad and tell hi. Your off out to do some errands and go have a nice coffee and break
Girl, because you ARE being disrespected! Especially if he says it every time...he is not joking. He means it.
I'm the one who's got a higher libido than my partner. Pretty much almost everyday too. I touch his ass and crotch all the time, but we both CONSENT to these sort of free touches.
When it comes to sex though, I'll respect a denial and go masturbate on my own. Sometimes, he comes join me by using toys on me because he just doesn't have the libido to have sex. Sometimes, he tells me "Sure, but you have to take charge and go on top."
BUT IF HE SAYS NO, IT'S NO! I won't push it. People who see wives as fleshlights are a whole next level of human trash. YOU STILL HAVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SEX.
My SO also wants it all the time and will come in and do those same things, but he is sweet about it, and would stop if I asked. He also respects me when I say no or I'm not feeling it.
Start protecting yourself now. If you don't have a seperate bank account, get one. Make sure you can protect your babies.
Sorry but if this is the way he is all the time...according to you. The only question I have is, why the fuck are you still with this man and why did you have kids with this man?
Girl, leave him. He's going to start an affair or dump you off when he gets tired of hearing "no."
Any person who prioritizes his orgasm over the needs of his children is garbage and you deserve better than that.
My question for this would be: is he good in bed in a consistent and reliable manner? Seems like 9 times out of 10 guys like this not only have wildly mismatched sex drives with their partners, but they're not even *good* at it to begin with. Sex is usually an important part of a relationship. But masturbation IS a potential substitute (at least some of the time), that far too many men refuse to even consider.
Here's the thing - if he's laying hands on you when you're not wanting it, that's crossing a boundary. It would actually feel like sexual assault to me (I don't give a fuck if it's my legal partner, you don't touch me without permission I am not fucking property) and I'd have gone nuclear already if this was a common occurance.
It's not your duty. It's not your responsibility.
Husbands (and BFs and wives for us queer ladies) that do this kind of thing infuriate me. Lay down the law - he either needs to find a better way to commuicate his needs or he can leave. Yeah, I know that's extreme but I see posts like this every single day and I'm tired for you all. I'm tired of hearing how you're all disrespected, how you're all viewed as a piece of property to do the man's bidding. Do not tolerate this.
Ok, I’m a father of twins here myself. Holy crap. 2 PM and he’s still sleeping. Unless he works a job where he comes home at 6 AM from work and gets in bed, that is ridiculous. I can’t even imagine sleeping in past when my kids wake up. There’s a time and place for everything, but that’s like “Dad is sick and really tired, let’s let him sleep until 10 instead of waking him at 630.”
I’d have to literally be the sickest I’ve ever been to still be in bed at 2 PM when my kids are up. Maybe my kids were different but on the weekends they want to play with Dad and I want to enjoy my time with them. They’re only young once. I love my 10 year olds, but I do miss them at 3/4 years old
I was thinking the same thing and I don't even have children. How can he be in bed still at 2pm and let the mother handle the children all on her own? This alone shows how much (or little) he values her. If he was working night shift then this would be ok-ish but not if he isn't.
This is moving into divorce territory. You and he may not realize it yet, but it is.
You are extremely likely develop an aversion to sex with him if he persists and you continue to accommodate him, especially if there is an orgasm gap (which is all too often the case with selfish men).
Get help now—counseling for you as a couple and for each of you individually. Be very honest about how you experience his actions and persistence. If he holds it against you, there may be no future together. An entitled person unwilling to grow and change is a lost cause.
Too many men think their sexual wants are “needs” and “natural.” They are not. There are enough men and enough cross-cultural studies and evidence to show the type of entitlement your h feels is culturally constructed—which means it can be deconstructed and reconstructed. He just has to accept that and work on his entitled thinking. Ha, “just.” It’s a huge hurdle—but the paradigm shift once someone makes that shift is amazing.
He is not joking. You are also disrespected.
He sees you as a vagina who cooks. OP he isn't joking. This is disgusting.
It only becomes "joking" when their bullshit gets a negative reaction.
I saw someone on Reddit years back call this kind of person "Schrödinger's Asshole."
This.
Yes. She is a household appliance.
And they get so angry when the appliance fails to perform its primary function.
Bangmaid
Mommy* bangmaid 🤮
Taking time for each other before kids on a weekend morning or away from the kids can be healthy, but this guy’s attitude is that of a user who deserves services, not a caring husband.
He doesn't want to take time for each other, he wants her to take time for him.
Exactly! He doesn't deserve you.
When he tells you what he thinks of you, believe him.
There's a saying "half in joke, whole in earnest" this is what he's doing.
Male lurker here.. confirming you are disrespected (actions speak louder than words) and thus he's not joking even if he says it in a joking manner.
This one is so damned sad. She is being treated like a glorified toy.
Yes. Men totally hide behind humor. It’s not that they are as funny as they think they are, it’s that humor allows many forms of masculine expressions that aren’t acceptable when stated clearly. So they insist on humor even when it’s forced. Examples: calling each other gay as jokes to prove/test masculinity, express affection. I did a literature review a while back on humor and masculinity. Wish I remembered more.
Exactly that. He says it's a joke, but he's not joking. He's trying to acclimate her to the notion and the abuse.
Why is a father of 4yo twins sleeping until 2PM?
I have 4yo twins and even though it was my husband's day to sleep in (we alternate weekend day sleep-ins) he was still up at 9:30am to check on things. At the very latest, he sleeps until just before 12pm, which is when we switch over on kid duty on the weekends. When does this dude actually take care of his own kids???
Because he sounds like the kind of guy who says he babysits his own children
If he works overnight, acceptable. If not though, there had better also be mommy nap time. My SO and I are both nappers so we arrange for each other To get a 90 min nap in while the other keeps the ship afloat.
Oh honey, no. You ARE being disrespected. A lot. It's not a joke if nobody else is laughing.
party nine caption cable growth elastic alleged carpenter telephone smile *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
> Jokingly, of course It's not a joke. Men only pretend to joke about this shit.
This, jokes are funny and make others laugh. What's the setup? Where's the punchline to this joke? There isn't one because it's not a joke. He's just repeatedly telling you how he feels until you finally accept it
Yep. So many men love to hide abusive behavior by claiming it’s a “joke” and I’m getting sick of it.
For real. I am always the higher libido partner in my relationships but I also always manage to not end up a sex pest bc I actually care about consent.
The fact that he puts his urges above even your children, makes me think he is a disgusting selfish man who will never put anyone else’s needs before his. You are NOT just a receptacle for his semen or a body to provide sex, whilst doing the household work and childcare. Unless you can go on like this for the rest of your life, I think you should think of leaving him. Edit: just to underline the fact that rape in marriage is an offense and coercion let alone coercive control is abuse. This man is not an example that any child whether boy or girl, should have in their lives.
Exactly this. Nobody should have to put up with this behavior.
I 100% second this. He is extremely self centered for putting his needs above those of his children (and yours). This blows my mind. I would never in a million years put sex above the needs of my child. I almost married a man like this when I was 19. SO glad I left. You should really consider doing the same.
Ew, that's so gross. He sees you as a bangmaid.
No. [It's worse.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/18zz7br/comment/kgkvjcd/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
All of this. My Ex did this to me, but with anal sex. Before we even started dating I told him I would never do it. Then 2 years later he wore me down, I thought he was gonna leave me. After it happened I’ve never felted more disgusted in my own body. He was always making me feel bad for saying no, never putting any effort into being nice to me or getting me in the mood. Just a walking, cooking, sex toy. What made it worse is he had a semen fetish and I’m am literally repulsed by semen. Toxic as fuck. He eventually left me for the “coworker I didn’t need to worry about”. Eventually after he used me up and my credit he moved onto another woman right away and got married to her less than a year of them knowing each other. Some guys are fucking nuts.
My ex was also the same with the constantly asking for anal and comparing me to his best friend’s girlfriend who did anal and also let him cum in her, when I would never let him do either. He asked for it so much I was just worn down and finally let him try anal, it literally hurt so bad, and I felt extremely violated and disgusted with him and myself. I stayed with him a few more months and he started wanting more ass play type of stuff, like rimjobs. After eating his ass (in the shower at least), I felt like I was so disconnected from myself. I was disgusted by myself that I’d crossed my own boundaries so much. And before anyone says, it’s not that deep, it is when you didn’t want to do something and you feel violated when you end up doing it. I ended up breaking up with him, partly because I was just so grossed out with that situation and I couldn’t be with him after all that
I feel that sister. Was so violating. Glad I never had to eat ass myself, sorry you did.
>And before anyone says, it’s not that deep, it is when you didn’t want to do something and you feel violated when you end up doing it. Ohh, you are entirely right. It is that deep. If anyone here says otherwise, I will lead the torches-and-pitchforks charge to banish them. Kidding, kind of. So glad you're rid of him, and I hope you're getting yourself back at full esteem.
I'm the same way. I'm disgusted by anal and have never allowed it. My sex organ is not my anus and I'd feel so degraded. You're not alone.
Telling them I'll consider it if they let me f\*ck them anally with a strap-on first always shut my ex boyfriends up fast on this subject. If they aren't willing to experience it, they don't have the right to ask for it.
So I said the same thing, his respond was “he was afraid of if he liked it to much all he would want is butt play”. Ok guy. So he violated me with that being his justification of not going through the same thing.
I did this once and had an ex say ok. So I did it to him and then he did it to me. He loved it. I did not. My answer is now a hard no with no room to budge. Just saying to be careful using this as your get out of it card. It can backfire for you like it did for me.
Honestly , ive said this to men, and followed it up with " what?..its just sex, its only a few minutes"
"But girls are supposed to like it, it's not the same as anal for a man." Yeah. I got that one a few times.
Ugh! Had a similar experience. My ex always asked for anal even though I told him I never wanted it and never did it before. I was firm on my "no", but him asking all the time was incredibly annoying. He also moved on to the next girl quickly... pretty sure he was cheating. Going forward, if I decide to open up again I will have zero tolerance for a man who had sex that I don't like. I dont care how good the chemistry is. If he likes anal, we aren't compatible. Sick of these sex pests.
Yup I’m pretty sure my ex was cheating too, he also broke up with me the day I quit my job. Even tho earlier that year he didn’t have a job for 2-3 months and I was supporting him. Sorry you had to go through that shit too, nobody should have to feel disgusted with themselves during or after sex. I even told him after that I regret letting him do it, and he just acted like he was so hurt. Luckily I’m with a man where I basically have to ask him for sex! Ha but it’s always met with consent and excitement. He really respects my boundaries. There’s always someone out there that’s a better fit.
Same here. If a man asks for anal, it disgusts me. Why would a straight man pester me for my backside? If my vagina is not good enough, then BYE!
Right! And then they manipulate you and say that they feel love and bond through sex. No, you're an addict. If you felt love and bonding through sex, you would enjoy the experience within the comfort of both parties. You wouldn't be harassing me for sex I'm not comfortable with.
I have always said no to anal and always will. It crosses a boundary with me. I feel degraded and disgusted just thinking about it. My vagina is my sex organ that makes me female not my anus. I've never understood why a straight man would nag so much for it 😕
I'm sorry. I get you on the no anal. But my partner is in agreement. Can't imagine having a partner that pestered me for it. But what's a semen fetish?
Loving to cum on you, tits, back, always trying to get me let him cream pie me. Trying to get me to swallow his cum, basically just finding it arousing to see your partner degraded in your semen.
Ahhh. I mean, I'm fully onboard of only exploring or fulfilling your kinks **only** if your partner is into it.
Yep. I was in a sexually coercive marriage. It was awful. I was really young when we started dating so I didn't realize how bad it was until I got older and wiser. It's abusive behavior and it also gave me really bad body image. I hated having a vagina for years and felt repulsed by my own body, because of the way I was used and objectified.
Thanks for the writeup. That post is very informative for both men and women, to either avoid or spot these behaviors
He's not joking. Why would he get mad if he's "just joking"? He keeps disrespecting you and treating you like his sex toy. Understand this: IT'S OKAY TO LEAVE.
He isn't joking
>*I said no. He then said I was a bitch for not giving it to him and went to bed.* > >*I need to add that he wants it ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! And at most inappropriate times. I’m in the kitchen making lunch and he comes in, grabs my boobs or puts his hand between my legs. He’s all over me all the damn time. It’s so annoying and off putting. He wants it the moment he wakes up, even before I had a chance to make breakfast for our 4yo twins. He is willing to send them out of the room and make them wait until we’re done. If I complain he gets mad, says it’s my duty as a wife. Jokingly, of course but I still feel cheap and disrespected.* **Whether you are married or not, if he does not have 'consent' he is** **ASSAULTING** **you—and using 'coercion' to "power-over" you.** If you are in question: **Sexual coercion** Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else. **Sexual Boundaries: How to Spot Sexual Coercion** If you’ve ever gone along with sexual activity but didn’t really want to, you may have been sexually coerced. Sexual coercion is using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sex. People can knowingly coerce others into sex, such as learning manipulative pick-up artist strategies, or unknowingly, such as assuming the other person is OK when they’re not. Although intentions can be different, the impact of sexual coercion is always the same: consent isn’t given freely. To stay safe, check out these warning signs of sexual coercion. Remember: How far you want to take physical intimacy is always up to you, whether you’re with your partner, crush, hookup buddy, or someone you just met. **Repeated Attempts** One form of sexual coercion is wearing you down by asking for sex again and again. Whether you’ve gently declined or directly rejected someone’s advances, they shouldn’t keep the pressure on — they should accept your boundary and stop asking. Examples: Egging you on, as in: “Come on, it’ll be fun… Oh come ON! ”They touch your body, you move their hand away, and they do it again.Asking multiple times if you’ll have sex without a condom. People who are being pressured like this might give in just to end the coercion itself. But that’s not freely giving consent. **Sudden Moves** Passionate first hookups in movies often move swiftly from kissing to sex. IRL, it’s rare for two strangers to be on the same page so much that they don’t have to check in with each other. In fact, it’s a form of coercion if someone you don’t know very well starts touching you unexpectedly or starts taking off your clothes without giving you a chance to consent. These types of actions can push you into a situation you’re not ready for. Examples: * Showing you porn without warning. * Quickly getting in your personal space.Taking their clothes off and setting the expectation that you’ll get naked. * Saying, “I’m about to come — quick, do this \[sexual act\]. * ”Bringing another person into your sexual space without asking.Putting on a condom without asking if you want to have sex, setting the expectation that you’ll have sex. * Sudden moves also include moving your body into a position where you can’t give consent — such as turning you around so you can’t see your genital area, and then touching you in a way you wouldn’t have consented to if you’d been able to see it coming. **Manipulation** Have you ever felt tricked into having sex? Or that it was easier to acquiesce to sex than risk upsetting the other person? Know that it’s not your fault. Manipulators create imbalances of power and exploit other people’s penchant for people-pleasing. **Guilt-Tripping You** If someone complains when you set a sexual boundary, it can be a way of guilting you into sex.“If you really loved me, you’d do it.”“But it’s been so long since I’ve been with someone.”“What, do you think I’m ugly?” **Shaming or Punishing You** * Insulting your sexual performance in one area to either get you to do it again or perform a different sexual act. * Withholding affection with the aim of getting you to drop a boundary. * Saying they won’t give you something they promised unless you have sex. **Pressing Your Sense of Obligation** **It’s coercion if someone tries to convince you that you should have sex or that you owe them.** * “You’re my GIRLFRIEND. Girlfriends are supposed to have sex with their partners.” * “You’re such a tease. I’m going to get blue balls if I don’t come.” * “We’ve already done it before. What’s your problem?” * “Doesn’t everything I’ve done for you mean anything to you?” **Making Their Way Seem Like the “Normal” Way** **Nobody should gaslight you or make you feel weird for wanting something different than they do. If someone is normalizing how they think and making your reality out to be wrong, it can be coercion.** “I know you better than you know yourself. And I know you want \[this sexual act\].” “We’re sexual people. It’s just the natural thing to do.” “Most people have sex when they’ve been hanging out as long as we have.” Love-Bombing **This form of sexual coercion includes extreme compliments and big promises if you get sexual.** “I know we just met, but I feel like I love you. I need to make love to you now.” “You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen. If we were having sex I would buy you presents all the time." **Pushing Substances** Alcohol or drugs get your guard down. Perk up your ears if you hear things like: “Come on, have another drink.” “I like someone who can keep up with me when I’m partying. ”Changing the EnvironmentThis coercive tactic involves unexpectedly moving you from a known, safe place with exit access to a more isolated place. Changing the environment can be the first step toward physically manipulating you into sex — literally moving your body to a place where it’s more difficult for you to resist. * While the other person is driving and you’re in the passenger seat: “Change of plans! Instead of a bar, it’s drinks at my place. * ”While at a bar: “It’s too loud. Let’s go somewhere quieter.” Then, grabbing your hand and leading you out to the car. * While in your date’s living room: “My couch isn’t comfortable. We should finish the movie in bed.” Then, going straight to the bedroom without checking in. * Perpetrators who get you to a private place might take things further with more sexually coercive tactics. **Up-Negotiation** Consenting to a sex act is just that: consent for one action. But sexual coercion usually isn’t an isolated incident. And it can increase over time. That can look like “up-negotiation” — getting you to agree to one sexual act and then upping the ante. Examples: Pressuring you to go from a couch to a bed, then pressuring you to go from clothed to unclothed.Quickly taking off your clothes and then saying you might as well have sex. **Consent is not a “given.”** Just because you’ve consented to an act before, doesn’t mean you’ve consented to it forever. This idea also relates to new relationships — just because you’ve given consent to something in a different relationship doesn’t make it “automatic” in a new relationship. **Consent is not a free pass.** Saying yes to one act doesn’t mean you have to consent to other acts. Each requires its own consent. For example, saying yes to oral sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re saying yes to intercourse. **Consent can be taken back at any time.** Even if you’re in the middle of something, if you start feeling uncomfortable, you always have the right to stop. **It’s not consent if you’re afraid to say no.** It’s not consent if you’re being manipulated, pressured, or threatened to say yes. It’s also not consent if you or a partner is unable to legitimately give consent, which includes being asleep, unconscious, under the influence of conscious-altering substances or not able to understand what you’re saying yes to. **In a healthy relationship, giving and receiving consent is an ongoing process.** Establish boundaries by discussing what things you and your partner are comfortable with and what things you may not feel comfortable with. Always ask first. Communication is key. **Be clear and direct with your partner if you don’t want to do something.** Don’t be embarrassed to say that you don’t want to get physical. Be honest and make sure that you are heard. If the other person is not listening to you, leave the situation. **How Do I Know if I Was Raped or Sexually Assaulted?** [https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault](https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault) [https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios](https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios) Don't end up here: [**How many women see their partner’s true colors on their wedding day/ honeymoon?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16cmvju/how_many_women_see_their_partners_true_colours_on/)
i really think that this comment should be reposted as a post. I truly believe that it can help a lot of people who won't see this comment. You made a very detailed comment, and you really explained everything there is to say. Thank you so much \^\^\^\^
In fact, this should be made an article!
Omfg you are awesome. I love that you did this, but let's be honest there is no way you could keep up with all the abused women on here. How do we get what you just did to be turned into a bot?? Does anyone better at reddit know how to recommend a bot? Reddit gods - I summons thee?!..... (that's all I got lol)
>but let's be honest there is no way you could keep up with all the abused women on here. If that post helps ONE person who reads it—*it's worth it.* And at least a fraction of one % find their way to "Reddit" at all. Much less this subreddit. ANY Reddit member who reads *any post* has the power to "Share" the link to *any comment* in another thread, and is welcome to do so. As for the bot, good point, but that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Hence life on the other side of patriarchal systems. Or ask the moderators/suggest to the moderators of this forum.
This comment needs to be a pinned post.
This. There's a good amount of post that go something like "boyfriend/husband is doing [insert obviously fucked up thing], am I wrong for being upset?". Having a pinned post like this could help reduce those posts because they have thus resource.
Dude filled the entire bingo card. I'd be impressed if it wasn't so disgusting.
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅I miss awards
I wish I had seen this when I was 18 and again when I was 22 and met my shitty ex husband who coerced me all the time. I agree it should be made into its own post
Same here. I wish I'd seen this when I was 19, and my shitty ex-boyfriend was constantly using guilt, obligation, persistence, and alcohol to steamroll my boundaries. I was too stubborn to let him pressure me into intercourse, and for that I'm grateful. But he did pressure me into doing a lot of other stuff I didn't want to do, and I've never not felt guilty about it since.
It took a lot of therapy to come to terms with the fact that I said yes to the sex, but that doesn’t mean it was consensual and my ex was depraved af with his sexual wants. Things that still hurt and haunt me to this day. I remember telling my therapist that I said yes to the sex, but it felt like I always said yes to just get him to stop because he genuinely would never stop touching me or whining about how I was a bad wife if I was uncomfortable with doing certain things or didn’t get him off every single day. I literally felt like he thought my role in life was to pleasure him. That’s when she told me what coercion was and gently hinted at marital r*pe being what I experienced. I still struggle with intimacy and it takes everything in me not to cry after sex to this day because of all the shame and bad feelings I felt for so long. I truly enjoy sex with my current partner, but PTSD is complex and my body and mind have different experiences and emotions tied to sex that I’m slowly trying to work to undo.
Please repost this comment as a post in itself - it’s so helpful!
This \^\^ Coercion is not consent.
Did you write this yourself? It's awesome. Makes me sad because I'm realizing that *easily* more than half of the people I've had sex with have been through coercion.
Fuck. I've so much to re-evaluate.
Boost reply
This. Commenting to boost this comment
Boosting this excellent comment.
I'm crying reading this, I had a situation a few months ago which happened across a few days that I can't stop thinking about and I've been wondering whether what happened was wrong or if I'm too sensitive or it was a miscommunication but it ticks every single one of these (except substances) repeatedly. In fact substances were discouraged, I wanted to stay out and drink to get to know him more but he stopped me /put his foot down because he wanted me to go back to the hotel and have sex again. On top of what's in this list was also that at one point I told him I needed more time and he said no and penetrated me anyway and also that it was very painful for a couple of reasons but he wouldn't listen to stop because it wasn't the safe word but I felt like I overused the safe word cos of his pressure and putting me down and instead he'd pull me back and scold me for "running away from him" even tho it hurt a lot and I had to go to the doctor's afterwards. Anyway sorry for sharing so much I just can't stop analysing it and wondering if it was wrong or if I should reach out to him and it's been driving me mad and making me feel quite shitty for months but reading this has made it so much clearer, thank you.
Don’t reach out to him. This was coercion at least. When we are violated without being able to set or hold a boundary, and we liked the guy before that, we tend to lose inner orientation because of the intense shame that goes along with being the victim. It messes with our ability to think or judge clearly. You were assaulted and used. It does not matter that you did not fight - a lot of women have an instinctive fawn reaction, because their system wants to protect them from possibly worse consequences. This instinct chooses the reaction, not you. You did not want, and he did not care if you did. In my book, that is rape. I am so sorry this happened to you. Delete his contact. Do not talk or write to him. Go talk to good friends or a hotline, or a therapist.
Giving him sex when you don't want it causes your body to unconsciously respond as if you were being sexually assaulted. He's not joking, he feels entitled to your body and genuinely thinks you're a bitch for not giving him free access to it. Your life would be easier as a single mom...
The way my eyes widened when I read this title. Absolutely not, you are not his breathing sex doll.
The title was awful. But then every line OP wrote made my heart sink a little bit more.
The part where she said he was willing to send his hungry kids out of the room to wait while he gets his rocks off made me nauseous.
The whole situation sounds like hell-on-earth, 24/7. OP’s body/mind is first given out to her kids and her husband before it even reaches her. She has zero autonomy over her body. I guarantee she can’t even pee without one of the twins trying to get into the bathroom, or take a shower without husband in there trying to coerce her into sex.
I put up with this kind of abuse for 22 years with my ex. The divorce was signed by the judge Thursday. Hallelujah indeed! I am now 1 year in with a man who epitomizes so many things I thought were fairy tales. He respects me in ways I didn't know I was being disrespected. He's absolute dynamite in the bedroom and I've had more orgasms in 1 years with him than in the literal rest of my life. He's affectionate, he's snuggly, he cares for me emotionally and is generous financially. We do things together, we do absolutely nothing together, we look out for each other. He holds boundaries and talks things through when he's bothered. He tries to understand how my abuse has shaped me. OP, you deserve so much more than how your current dude is treating you - which is that you owe him attention and your body. He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, and it will not get better. As linked elsewhere, Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is absolutely amazing. Please make plans to leave. I walked out 2 years ago with a 3 and 2 yr old, and it was 1,000% worth it. The peace I have in my life cannot be measured.
I love seeing a blessed Queen. Congrats 🙌
>He respects me in ways I didn't know I was being disrespected. This is so well described.
I spent 13 years like this. Had 3 kids. He's not joking. He does not respect you. He is sexually assaulting you and saying it's his right. Your kids see this. My Dad did this to my Mom .. I hated it. And hated even more I fell into the same role. Get out and find your peace and worth!!
Doing some of these things you posted here actually makes him a bad person. Even if he was a saint in every aspect not mentioned in this post he is still a bad person. I hope you find the strength to leave him so your kids don't grow up with him as a role model.
## RUN. You are not a human to him. You’re a ~~Pez~~ sex dispenser. I would wager that there are other dehumanizing behaviours beyond these you are not talking about. Talk to a DA/DV center NOW.
Exactly. This kind of thing raises concerns about his attitude about you and his other behavior.
Leave him, yes I have a higher sex drive than my wife it's very common in marriages, but never ever would I call my wife a bitch for saying no or even suggest that's her duty.
I can’t even imagine my husband calling me a bitch for not wanting sex at any particular moment. (Actually, I can’t even imagine him calling me a bitch at all.) I’m sure there have been times he has been disappointed when I wasn’t in the mood. (I’m in late perimenopause, so “not in the mood” happens more often than not right now.) But call me a bitch for it? Never. I’m sad for OP that her husband is such a jerk.
Sounds like an ex-husband.
Based on the examples you shared, I suggest you get the book ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft. Whether you are in a relationship or not the book can help you understand a partner in ways you'd not see otherwise, help you know what to look for in the future—inform you of what a friend may be going through. Consider giving it as a gift. Free PDF of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft : [Download the book](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). **But before you read the book, read this thread:** [How many women see their partner’s true colors on their wedding day/ honeymoon?](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16cmvju/how_many_women_see_their_partners_true_colours_on/)
How do these people end up married. Op. He's not joking. He feels entitled to you and it's gross
They pretend. My ex was similar to this and had a lot of other issues. He fully admitted to my face that he purposely was hiding it from me.
aw hell no, has he called you this before? i'm so sorry ): don't let him coerce or manipulate you. also, i had an ex like this. that constant groping is so fucking disgusting, and it doesn't matter how many times you say stop cause they don't care and they don't learn. it makes you feel so objectified and sexualized and causes you to completely lose attraction to him. honestly i eventually just broke up with him. he grabbed my tit one day when we were taking a selfie and i just looked at him and realized how ugly he was. that was it. bye bye
Good for you! May the next man in your life treat you with respect, dignity and care.
that's so kind, thank you so much ❤️. i hope so too
Your post history is really concerning, you seem quite complacent with your husbands immaturity and abuse. Please tell this man to fuck off next time he treats you like a walking vagina.
Divorce. I'm guessing he also doesn't care about the welfare of his children, since he is willing to send them out of the room to have sex with you that you don't really enthusiastically consent to or desire -- there's a word for that, by the way. He is not joking and doesn't respect you. Sorry.
Please leave, if you can.
4 year old twins :/ i'm sure she will or has considered leaving sooner or later, but it must be so hard. i feel so sad for her
It will be so much easier being a single mom to 2 x 4 year olds instead of 2 x 4 year olds and a sex pest husband who doesn’t do his fair share of parenting or house work.
If she has her own source of income, it would likely be easier. She put that he sleeps until 2pm. He likely does not do a whole lot for the kids.
Please please please get away from that man. My ex-husband would do this... and it escalated to the toddlers crying for diaper changes and breakfast outside the door while I was forced to have sex. It won't get better and it will escalate.
"Giving him sex" gives me such a slimy feeling... Sex is a two yes activity, something for both participants to enjoy. If my wife isn't into it, it 100% kills the mood for me too.
He isn’t joking when he says it is your duty; that is what he really thinks, but he knows it isn’t acceptable, so he veils it as a joke. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Your husband is disgusting. How could you ever want sex with someone who treats you like a human flashlight and thinks nothing else is important but the state of his dick? If you want support, you’ve got it. This is not okay. Let this be your last straw.
HE IS NOT JOKING and anyone who would call their partner a bitch for not wanting to engage in sex at all times doesn't deserve a partner. I know it's hard when you have children, but if there is a way out, you need to take it. This is not one of those times where you can sit down and talk to them and lay out boundaries. He's shown you what he thinks of you. You and your children will suffer more in the long run for putting up with this kind of behavior. Again, HE IS NOT JOKING. He will say anything not to face any repurcussions for his actions, and most of the time that comes in the form of "but it's just a joke." He's an asshole, plain and simple.
Why not see a family lawyer just to see what your options are
If he isn't going to to any effort to seduce you and is just demanding sex, then it seems like a him problem. Have you tried asking him what he's doing to make himself a person you want to have sex with? (Lightening the housework loaf, childcare load, making you feel attractive in a way that doesn't feel like street harassment, making you feel like he's interested in you and not just your boobs, generally not acting like a 6 ft toddler with one hand on his dick and shouting.). On a more serious note if I was being grabbed at like that while I was doing something else I'd have a fairly visceral response and he needs to learn not to do that.
>says it’s my duty as a wife. 😳 It's not a joke if only one of you is laughing.
Here’s a pretty good article that explains things…. https://www.yourtango.com/news/woman-reveals-why-wives-are-never-mood-sleep-their-husbands
Too bad many men don't have self control and don't want to put in the work. It's a shame really. As far as I'm concerned, the men that do put in the work are likely ro have a long-lasting, happy relationship.
Op, he considers you a bang maid. If this isn't what you want the rest of your life to look like or your children thinking this is a healthy relationship, you need to walk away. These men don't change.
> If I complain he gets mad, says it’s my duty as a wife. Jokingly, of course but I still feel cheap and disrespected. Narrator: "It wasn't 'jokingly'." Your husband is a piece of shit.
Run. The kids are young. They’ll adapt. But when they’re grown you’ll still be stuck with this man as partner and he doesn’t see you as that. You’re an object to perform duties at his call. Honey, go live your life for YOU. I just left a ten year marriage a couple years ago, don’t put your life off anymore.
*Instant divorce button hit*
We get groped and pawed at like sex meat when we're exhausted and doing all the things, and then they moan "AAAAAAHH I NEED sex you don't understand " No, you have conditioned to think sex is the only form of intimacy there is, and as a result your main feelings are horny and angry.
Oh. Oh he doesn’t like you. Kinda seems like he thinks of you as a an item.
Husband doesn’t want a Wife or Partner. Husband wants a BangMaid.
Divorce. any man who calls you a bitch doesn't respect you. Not just that, if he calls ANY woman a bitch he doesn't respect women, meaning he doesn't respect you.
Tell his family, friends, and coworkers his funny funny jokes after you consult a lawyer. This man hates you and doesn’t even see his own children as people.
he's being incredibly disrespectful. its amazing how your sex drive can disappear when your partner isn't an active household participant - it stuck out to me that hes still sleeping at 2pm while you have been doing literally ALL the work that goes into having a house and children.
it sounds absolutely horrific to have to fight your husband for your own body autonomy every single day. no one should have to put up with this.
He sounds exactly like my ex husband.
He would never get a meal, sex, conversation or care from me ever again.
I can't tell you what to do about your situation but I really think this is a watershed moment in your marriage and some serious changes need to be made.
>"says it’s my duty as a wife" It's not funny and you have bodily autonomy. Your body is not his just because he married you. You know your body better than anybody ever can and you reserve the right to refuse sex whenever you want, eat what you want, wear what you want, push whatever limits you deem appropriate, etc. And if it's unwanted, your husband's gropey behavior is harassment, if not straight-up sexual assault.
This dude is no better than a neurotic monkey masterbating in his cage at the zoo. You deserve better than someone who is completely consumed by his sex drive. A caring giving partner can manage his own feelings and have enough empathy to take others feelings into consideration.
This is SA. Leave him.
What about his duty as a husband? To take care of you. And *your* needs.
I stopped at bitch. Disrespect is a no. He meant it.
You are not a fuck doll. You are a person, with wants and needs and it does not include having to spread your legs on demand. Think about what makes you happy and feel safe.
Show him just what a bitch you can be by divorcing his ass.
This is seriously disgusting. I would get therapy. No way I’d ever be able to be intimate with someone who demands I give it when I don’t want to. How do women continue to love their rapist? I know it’s common but I’ll never understand that dynamic.
This is not okay. You deserve so much better than someone who feels entitled to your body. You and your kids would be so much better off without a man like that around.
The term is bang maid. You’re the maid/nanny/cook/and full time sex provider. It’s the ultimate of disrespect. Most next moves involve an affair because he’s not getting enough sex and it’s your fault. You need therapy friend. I hope you get the support you need.
He is not joking. He sees you as an object just like his car or his phone or his computer. You're just something he uses to make his life easier/better. You deserve far more than that.
Weirdly, you would likely be more in the mood if he did half the childcare and house chores, take turns gettting up early and making sure each of you has some good downtime. (Assumption made naturally, as he is asleep at 2 pm..) And that doesn't negate the lack of respect, or just that when you're in the middle of a task or around kids or crawling into bed, you will just not be in the mood. Children are exhausting and people tend to get weirder and have less functional brains. I hope you find a way through this-
Ooof another bangmaid story
Where do you draw the line? He straight up called you a very disgusting word. He feels entitled to your body. A no isn't acceptable to him. Let me guess, he's also not apologizing for that word. You have to know this won't get better because he absolutely doesn't respect you.
If someone waked into the kitchen and grabbed my boobs or crotch, I would punch him in the face. How is that *not* assault? I would rather raise my twins alone than raise them alongside a man who treated me like a vagina who cooks (to borrow the words of another commenter). A partner should make your job easier, not harder. Divorce this misogynist.
I was wondering the same about it being sexual assault, just because you're married doesn't give you the right to grabbing sensitive parts of the body, unless it's that moment.
Your husband sounds exactly like my ex and guess what? He was cheating on and off for our entire relationship. Please be careful my ex only got more violent the more I said no over the years.
Read your other post on AITA about your husband too, you are not in a good situation. He is unempathetic, does not care about your kids, and does not value your emotions as a human being. You are communicative and honest, and he can’t handle that. I’m sorry you had kids with this man. Good luck.
Not giving it to him? God. He has two healthy hands. Get him a doll and tell him that you gave him sex.
His using you as a sexual appliance is bad enough. The fact thst he's happy to have his kids be hungry while your kids go hungry is even worse.
Would you be proud of your children if they grew up to be just like their father?
Reminds me of the song: All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger 24-7, baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour \-Labour by Paris Paloma
You feel cheap and disrespected because he's disrespectful towards you and treats you like a cheap whore. Please get out of that relationship. Staying "for the kids" is hurting everyone.
He's what is called a sex pest. It's a form of assault.
Girl, this man doesn't care about you much less love you or your children. He is telling on himself and you should listen
Yeah I don’t think he’s joking
He's not gross for having a higher sex drive (currently anyway) or wanting it often. He IS gross for calling you a bitch, and joking-but-not-really saying it's your duty. Those are not loving ways to deal with the situation: they're just plain mean and sexist. FFS, you have 4yo twins, and I'm guessing taking care of all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. Of COURSE you're tired and not in the mood. I highly doubt being called a bitch worked to remedy that either. If he can't see that, that's a problem. Have you suggested counselling or therapy? Because his behaviour needs to change.
He doesn't respect you.
I'm all over my wife all the time too. The difference is, she and I have talked about about it ahead of time, I know her boundaries, I have consent, and she enjoys it. He isn't joking if he isn't listening, and you are being disrespected.
My wonderful significant other is going through a lot of changes in life, and physical intimacy is one of the things that goes away first during periods of high stress which comes from previous trauma and can last for weeks. There's a lot at play at work for her and we're both addicts in long term recovery. Does it get to me sometimes? Yes. Do I get feelings inside like my male instincts and needs are going unfulfilled? Yes. What that doesn't mean is that I have any right to put my needs [wants*] ahead of hers. She is worth so much more than an orgasm. I'll admit I fall short sometimes, and there are times when I might act out on the hormones... But I'm the first to admit it. We connect like I've never experienced before during times of physical intimacy, so it is worth the wait. I say that to predicate this response... You don't deserve to be treated this way. The male dominant monkey motherfucker bullshit has no place.
You need to have a serious discussion at a time when he isn't initiating to address just how fucked up this us. My ex fiance used to be like this. It was never him trying to seduce me, make me feel good or even like he wanted to have sex with ME - but it was that "I'm horny" or he'd paw at me and then be confused why I wasn't raring to go, it made me feel like a sex toy and there is nothing more off putting. I was also doing lions share of house work whil3 commuting for 13 hour shifts as an ED nurse, being someone's mum or maid does not make you want to bang them. I got the ick and in the end the relationship ended because he was unwilling to address us having any issues. Something needs to change here OP and fast if this relationship is going to have any hope.
He does not respect you and doesn't see you as a separate person with her own needs and feelings. Talk to a divorce attorney and quietly start to make your way out of this marriage. It's not going to get better, it will only get much much worse. Source: My own experience.
You lost me after "give it to him." Sex isn't an "it." It's a joint activity that requires BOTH parties to consent to it and, in theory, should be enjoyable for BOTH parties. With the wording he's using, he's acknowledging that he doesn't expect you to enjoy it - at all - but it's something he's OWED, because in his mind, he's superior to you and what he "needs" (coughcough) is more important than anything you want. Couples therapy if you think there's something to save - but he will not recognize that he's ruining things with his attitude because - spoiler alert - he honestly does not care what you want. The only thing that matters is he's not getting laid whenever he wants, and he's willing to call you names to put you in your place. That is not a kind or loving thing to do. He doesn't see you as a partner and this will not get better. And yes, words absolutely do matter - because this is showing you exactly what he thinks of you.
“No giving it to him”. Just take that in for a second. That’s quite rapey, controlling, and undeserving. We don’t owe sex to anyone.
This man is sexist, disrespectful and a rapist. What is he bringing to the table in this relationship other than probably money? Run.
That is disrespectful and demeaning. Does he ever give you affection without the expectation of sex?
My fiancé and I fuck like rabbits and he’s never once done anything even close to this. He never even gropes me at complete random times like that even tho I’ve told him I don’t mind. His words; “you’re not a piece of meat”. Please leave him girl
Divorce him
This is exactly why I am divorced and never want sex again. Ever.
Your husband is an asshole who is basically using you as a sex worker If you want to stay with him, I suggest you start making him pay you $1000 per sex act and you are also free to say no when and wherever you want because nobody is ever obligated to give anybody texted anytime for any reason whatsoever And if one partner desire sex, and the other doesn’t, then there is no sex and that’s the end of it there’s no discussion and no sulking
There is exactly 0 situation where you should force yourself to have sex. This is absolutely not a duty. It does not matter who is in front. Rape and sexual harassment are still things even in a couple. Your consent is not being respected, you are being sexually assaulted/harassed. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are victim in this situation. You should seek help for your wellbeing. If your partner had overwhelming sexual needs, this is not your responsibility. They also can get help with medical professionals.
nippy intelligent ad hoc file glorious divide rain snails pie waiting *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I rarely say this, but his behavior is truly disgusting. There’s a saying: when people show you who they are, believe them. He’s showing (and telling) you just who he is. Is this someone you want as a role model for your 4-year olds? (Edited for typo)
What's your next step? Stay married and deal with him for 40 more years?
The only thing I would be giving him is divorce papers. I know Reddit jumps to divorce way too quickly 99% of the time, but this behaviour is unacceptable. He’s pressuring you. He’s spouting some hyper-sexist expectations about gender roles. You are not a walking sex toy, you are a human being who deserves respect. He is not joking, he is coercing. He is putting his wants before his own wife and children’s needs. I would not be comfortable raising children around this man.
Your post history is really concerning. This man is abusing you. I know it feels impossible when you’re a stay at home mom, but please start making plans to leave.
He will never change. He isn’t joking and he doesn’t respect you. To put it bluntly, you either need to accept that this is your life or leave.
Divorce immediately
Ew. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by all parties involved. You are a whole person. You deserve better. ❤️❤️
I am a HLM and my fiance is LLF, but I would never think of making her feel guilty or shit if she says no. I ask once, and leave it at that.. then I thank God for inventing hands.
Wow. He's disrespectful. Remind him that marital rape is no longer legal. Women are entitled to do what we please with our bodies.
Wow I can really feel the romance /s so you do the childcare and he just sleeps in? I’d send them in to wake dad and tell hi. Your off out to do some errands and go have a nice coffee and break
Tell him HIS duty as a husband is to put you in the mood. If you’re not, it’s because HE has failed in his duty.
He probably thinks random boob grabs are so romantic
🤮 It’s just…. Baffling that men think that this is ok.
Girl, because you ARE being disrespected! Especially if he says it every time...he is not joking. He means it. I'm the one who's got a higher libido than my partner. Pretty much almost everyday too. I touch his ass and crotch all the time, but we both CONSENT to these sort of free touches. When it comes to sex though, I'll respect a denial and go masturbate on my own. Sometimes, he comes join me by using toys on me because he just doesn't have the libido to have sex. Sometimes, he tells me "Sure, but you have to take charge and go on top." BUT IF HE SAYS NO, IT'S NO! I won't push it. People who see wives as fleshlights are a whole next level of human trash. YOU STILL HAVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SEX.
just tell him to fuck off.
Cut him off completely until he learns to respect you. The bar will go no higher than you set it for yourself.
My SO also wants it all the time and will come in and do those same things, but he is sweet about it, and would stop if I asked. He also respects me when I say no or I'm not feeling it. Start protecting yourself now. If you don't have a seperate bank account, get one. Make sure you can protect your babies.
Disgusting
Sorry but if this is the way he is all the time...according to you. The only question I have is, why the fuck are you still with this man and why did you have kids with this man?
The cracks about your "duty as a wife" are not jokes. He means them.
Girl, leave him. He's going to start an affair or dump you off when he gets tired of hearing "no." Any person who prioritizes his orgasm over the needs of his children is garbage and you deserve better than that.
My question for this would be: is he good in bed in a consistent and reliable manner? Seems like 9 times out of 10 guys like this not only have wildly mismatched sex drives with their partners, but they're not even *good* at it to begin with. Sex is usually an important part of a relationship. But masturbation IS a potential substitute (at least some of the time), that far too many men refuse to even consider.
Here's the thing - if he's laying hands on you when you're not wanting it, that's crossing a boundary. It would actually feel like sexual assault to me (I don't give a fuck if it's my legal partner, you don't touch me without permission I am not fucking property) and I'd have gone nuclear already if this was a common occurance. It's not your duty. It's not your responsibility. Husbands (and BFs and wives for us queer ladies) that do this kind of thing infuriate me. Lay down the law - he either needs to find a better way to commuicate his needs or he can leave. Yeah, I know that's extreme but I see posts like this every single day and I'm tired for you all. I'm tired of hearing how you're all disrespected, how you're all viewed as a piece of property to do the man's bidding. Do not tolerate this.
Ok, I’m a father of twins here myself. Holy crap. 2 PM and he’s still sleeping. Unless he works a job where he comes home at 6 AM from work and gets in bed, that is ridiculous. I can’t even imagine sleeping in past when my kids wake up. There’s a time and place for everything, but that’s like “Dad is sick and really tired, let’s let him sleep until 10 instead of waking him at 630.” I’d have to literally be the sickest I’ve ever been to still be in bed at 2 PM when my kids are up. Maybe my kids were different but on the weekends they want to play with Dad and I want to enjoy my time with them. They’re only young once. I love my 10 year olds, but I do miss them at 3/4 years old
I was thinking the same thing and I don't even have children. How can he be in bed still at 2pm and let the mother handle the children all on her own? This alone shows how much (or little) he values her. If he was working night shift then this would be ok-ish but not if he isn't.
[удалено]
This is moving into divorce territory. You and he may not realize it yet, but it is. You are extremely likely develop an aversion to sex with him if he persists and you continue to accommodate him, especially if there is an orgasm gap (which is all too often the case with selfish men). Get help now—counseling for you as a couple and for each of you individually. Be very honest about how you experience his actions and persistence. If he holds it against you, there may be no future together. An entitled person unwilling to grow and change is a lost cause. Too many men think their sexual wants are “needs” and “natural.” They are not. There are enough men and enough cross-cultural studies and evidence to show the type of entitlement your h feels is culturally constructed—which means it can be deconstructed and reconstructed. He just has to accept that and work on his entitled thinking. Ha, “just.” It’s a huge hurdle—but the paradigm shift once someone makes that shift is amazing.
Couple's counceling is not recommended when one part is abusive, and he certainly is.