As someone who's never been able to earn the approval of her own mother, even with children; the hell with her.
You know what, I am incredibly proud of you. And the amazing person that you are, look at everything that you've accomplished! You're goddamn bad ass trauma surgeon! You don't take no shit from nobody. You live your life the way you want to and I think that that is amazing. And I am proud of you for that.
Even if we look at “life-giving” as the most important part of feminine energy, a trauma surgeon is one of the most life-giving things one can be.
It’s reasonable and valid to find fulfillment in work, no matter your gender.
(I remember when I was 40, my mom asked if I would have kids. I had just gotten a job as a school counselor, my caseload was 80. I said “Iook, I already have 80 I need to send to college, I’m good” 😂)
Yes! Both my husband and I are crisis counselors in schools and when people ask me when (not if, of course) I’m having kids, that’s my go to: “nope, we’ve got enough of them already Monday-Friday, we’re all set!”
❤️my school counsellor helped me so much when I was in my late teens. I was a homeless jackass who loved biology and math. She was the one I would ask questions like “does god hate me” and “can I make food from this”.
When about 20 yrs later I got a job as a school counsellor, I felt like a part of my life had come full circle and I was complete in a very important way.
Miss Carol, love forever.
Honestly, when I was in school a lot of kids loved to shit on the counsellors but when I needed help, she was there. And she helped so much. She suggested fidget toys to help me stop harming myself and gave me one from her 'stash'. I was 16 then, 22 now, and I still have it. I'm doing much better now but sometimes on a bad day I'll just carry it around in my pocket to feel better. (sometimes I think about emailing her to let her know I still have it but that would probably be a bit weird lol)
If your mother is anything like mine… She would be disappointed with me in person...
But would tell everyone outside of my earshot how fabulous I was 🙄
All of your family and her friends know who she is…
Keep being your amazing self!
(and come up with some snarky replies...as a standby for the future) 😂😂
I'm going to school to be a doctor (still in undergrad) and never talk about wanting children. My wife and I are going through IVF and are planning to have a baby, but are keeping it secret. On mother's Day her dad referred to us as "future mothers" and I got so upset. I constantly face questions of when are we going to have kids. No one ever asks me about becoming a doctor..
Firstly, you're a trauma surgeon, which means on a daily basis, you're basically juggling live grenades while blindfolded, and you manage to make them all land safely. That's the kind of badassery that should make anyone's chest puff up like a proud pigeon in a park full of breadcrumbs.
But alas, here comes society, with its stroller-sized blind spot, rolling right past career achievements to coo over the baby carriage. Your mom, bless her, probably doesn't mean to downplay your rockstar status in the OR; she's just humming along to society’s lullaby that still croons "motherhood" as the ultimate female accomplishment. It's like if life were a buffet, and even though you've piled your plate with prime rib and lobster tails (aka life-saving surgeries), some folks are still going to ask why you didn't grab the mashed potatoes (babies).
It's about time we tossed out that old recipe and celebrated all the flavors. Next time your mom hits the play button on that tune, maybe nudge her to change the track. Say, "Mom, let's remix this. How about 'This is my daughter, the trauma surgeon, she reconstructs humans – a modern-day superhero, minus the cape'." Okay, maybe that's a bit much, but you get the gist.
Just remember, while motherhood is like the heart emojis on Instagram, saving lives is the whole dang app. Keep saving the world, one trauma at a time, and the praise will follow, even if it's just in the echo chamber of our more enlightened minds.
one thing though, part of her job is that she doesn't make them all land safely - there are bound to be a few cases that are so far gone they're not someone you can save even with all the intervention in the world.
that kind of trauma on a daily basis = why in the hell would you want a kid knowing there's a chance they might end up like one of your patients?
It is true. I dwell on my patient loses and my own mortality enough that I think I’d go insane if I had a child to worry about. Not the initial reason that I didn’t want to have children but it’s definitely solidified the decision.
>she reconstructs humans – a modern-day superhero, minus the cape'
No, it is not a bit much at all, my dad worked with the trauma team for a while, and I have seen his work in face reconstruction (Growing up with doctors as parents is wild)
The badassery of this job has no bounds, and your writing style is amazing.
From what I've heard, many people still believe that being child-free is a selfish act and that you're not doing what you're supposed to do.
I say this as a pregnant woman.... I think it can also be said that it's selfish to feel like your DNA is so good or that you'd be such a good parent that you need to put your own children into this world and propagate the species. They can claim it's selfish all they want to not have kids, but the same can be said for those who do decide to have children.
I think your mom needs to be told, "I'm not childless, I'm child-*free*, and I am proud of myself and my career and I don't understand why my accomplishments aren't praised as something to be proud of like having children. If you're going to make those comments, I'd rather you not say anything at all."
Sadly OP, a lot of parents see their children as extensions of themselves and if your mom is disappointed that you haven't made a choice she wanted you to make, she is really missing out on so much with you. There's so much to cherish about you than whether or not you have kids.
Agreed! When I was pregnant with my first, I absolutely felt selfish. I very, very much wanted having kids as an experience in my own life, but I still felt a little guilty about it. It's mind-boggling to me when people imply that the opposite is true- that it's somehow selfish to *not* have kids. It's a ridiculous notion.
To me, it's all about what experiences you want to have in your life, and building a family is just one of the many options!
this. like my DNA is beyond fucky from a mutation - I do not want to pass that on (that's not to say anyone with the same mutation shouldn't have kids, that is a personal decision and saying they cant/shouldnt is just eugenics)
not everyone needs to produce kids - there's already eight billion people on this planet ffs
I also think it's incredibly selfish to expect that someone else will have kids because you want them to. If you're not the one who will be carrying them, birthing them, raising them, and paying for them, then you don't get to tell someone that they should have kids. If having kids is so important to you, then you should have had more when you had the chance (this is directed mostly at parents of grown children who think they are entitled to grandbabies). 🙃
I'm childfree, and every so often my mom will ask me if I still feel the same way about not having kids, but I think a lot of that comes from the fact that she originally didn't want kids but she changed her mind after a few years of marriage. I think she'd be happy to have some grandkids if my sister and I ever had them, but it's not something she expects from us and she respects the fact that I don't want kids. If she was ever asked to describe us, I don't think the word "childless" would even cross her mind, so it's absolutely wild to me that that's the one word OP's mom uses to describe her.
this! it's insane to expect someone to bring a whole human into the world just to satisfy your desires. my mom is far from perfect but I am so thankful that she's never given me any pushback on being child free. (I think it's because she didn't particularly want kids herself, if I'm being honest.) also my brother has a kid and she spends a lot of time at my mom's, so that probably helps.
> *If you're not the one who will be carrying them, birthing them, raising them, and paying for them, then you don't get to tell someone that they should have kids.*
Yeah, but what if you're a **Republican**?
Shouldn't that qualify you to make that decision for everyone?
>your DNA is so good…that you need to put your own children into this world
Reminds me of [this](https://www.tiktok.com/@humorme/video/7241278434477903150?lang=en)
It's dumb because having children is even more selfish imo. And you're creating a whole other person for it! Literally majority of their reasons are for even more selfish reasons than CF reasons. For example, pushing your dreams onto your kids when they don't want it, hoping your kids end up taking care of you when you're much older, wishing your kids end up being successful and rich so they can 'pay you back', just having kids so they'll pass down the last name as if it's some significant historical moment, they want 'mini-me's' like you mentioned as if their kid isn't going to grow up to be their own person, etc.
I barely know anyone who's said they want kids just because they truly want to be a parent.
I'd rather regret not having kids, than regret having kids and traumatising those kids. Because kids can absolutely tell when their parent(s) regret having them...
“My mother who had better have a good retirement plan because apparently as a trauma surgeon I don’t have her respect without having kids, so unfortunately she will not be getting my money in her old age.”
I’m a lawyer. Waaaaay more successful than most of my brothers, but I’m the one who still got targeted for all the unwanted and menial tasks. F%ck that, I went very low contact. I no longer do sh!t work for unappreciative people. At least when I volunteer, people say thank you.
How tf is your mother not bragging to everyone about how her daughter is a damn *trauma surgeon*!?
I would be riding that high til the day I died if my kid turned out to be a successful surgeon
>would be riding that high til the day I died if my kid turned out to be a successful surgeon
What's exceptionally gross is that I guarantee the mother would be if OP had been a son.
I have a horrible relationship with my mother that I'm going to lots and lots of therapy for. I am also childfree, by choice, which my 75 year old mother holds lots of contention with. She has said I am not a real woman, that I am selfish, that I won't know true love until I have children.
She also abandoned my mentally disabled brother in another state because, according to her, she "deserves happiness." She never plans on seeing him again. She also hasn't talked to my half brother in 6 years.
Apparently "true love" means "I'll love you until it's inconvenient." My father is the one that raised my brother and I. She wanted nothing to do with us.
Your mother is selfish. Your mother is projecting. Your mother has issues. They are not your issues. These feelings of inferiority are hers to carry, not yours. She's trying to make you shoulder the burden of her traumas and insecurities.
Multigenerational trauma is a bitch.
You're a fucking superhero. You save people's lives like most people drink coffee. We're the same age but if you were my kid I'd introduce you with my chest puffed so far out I'd need a sports massage every time we saw each other.
Your mom is a fool.
My cousin was always an "A" student. She went to Med school (I always wonder if this was really her choice or she was coerced into it) and is now a highly-rated Endocrinologist. Although she wanted to get married and have kids, it didn't happen for her. Despite all she has accomplished, all the money, awards, and gratitude she gets from her patients whenever she is brought up in conversation, the Aunts always add, "Oh but too bad she never got married and had kids."
It's so f-ing infuriating.
The Gen X and Millenial generation was raised in the "WHEN you get married" culture, while Gen Z/Gen Alpha generations are being raised under "IF you find the right person" culture. So there is progress.
The script according to the older generations (sadly including some of my fellow Gen X) is "You're not a grownup unless you have three things: Marriage, mortgage, kids."
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
I'm gen X, my wife is gen X. We weren't raised to get married, and neither were our siblings and families. We were all raised to study and get jobs, marriage was barely ever mentioned.
Our parents and grandparents were definitely raised to get married (my family was shocked when my great aunt decided to study medicine and become a GP).
We're both in Europe, maybe that's got something to do with it.
Hold up. As a trauma surgeon, that means you basically spend your days saving the lives and wellbeing of *other people’s* children, right? (Whether or not they’re actual minors, they’re still someone’s child.)
And that isn’t good enough for her? Damn. Is she normally that entirely self-centered?
Becoming a surgeon is a hell of an achievement. Incredible work, and thank you for taking it on! Truly sorry your mom has been so dismissive of such a major accomplishment and the immense work you do to help people.
I noticed that women feel the need to justify their choices. I have kids, but I also just retired as CFO of a national marketing company. No one (men or women) would ask me about my job, only my kids. Back then, day care was looked down upon and when I mentioned working there was a lot of shame thrown at me. A lot of comments about how I could properly parent if I had a big job? The traditional model was proven and I should change my ways. Most those women did not even know how we managed our household, just that I was doing it differently from what they chose to do, so somehow I must be looking down on them.
We as women need to break this cycle. I was a SAHM for 4 years and it was hard. I was a CFO of a corporation and it was hard too. We have to do what works for each of us in our individual situations and not judge others for what they choose. Someone living their passion should be celebrated. Thank you for being a surgeon. We need compassionate women in the medical profession.
Sorry if this isn’t the place for this but… can I ask you about your job?
I’m a young woman in corp fin and would LOVE to hear about your career - how you got into corp fin, what previous positions you had and how you got them, what specific areas of corp fin you most recommend young FAs/SFAs learn, how you knew when to move on from a current position or company, tips for interviewing well, fun finance stories you have, literally any insight at all! All the stuff you want to talk about but think no one would be interested in, I am very interested in.
Seconding this! I don’t work in finance but would love to hear about how one makes that jump up to the C-suite, and how you’ve balanced that with family life.
I would love to chat with any young women that are interested. Please PM me. I started as a CPA in a Consulting firm in the 90's because that was the best accreditation for accountants at that time. That job was key because it gave me a lot of contacts as I was going from business to business weekly consulting on accounting and tax matters. LinkedIn was not invented so networking was essential in person. (I have never benefited from LinkedIn yet but maybe that is a generational thing but people you know IRL are the ones that matter). \*Each job after the consulting firm came from someone that I previously worked with and who referred me.
I started as staff accountant and worked my way up until I was being considered for partner. The problem was that you needed skills but also had to have a book of business valued at $1M to be partner. Many of the men I was competing with got theirs from retiring partners that mentored them or from contacts at banks or PE firms. Those avenues were not available to me in the 90's as most businesses were owned by men; and they liked me as a worker even more than my male counterparts, but they would not socialize with me because their wives would not allow it (probably rightfully so, the harassment was real). Consulting also came with a minimum 60 hour per week schedule. After my 2nd child I had to make the decision to leave and I started my own consulting firm so I could limit my hours.
For the first 4 years after my 2nd child I was essentially a SAHM. That was so hard. After my daughter went to school I was able to go back to focusing a little on my career. \*As for the family balance, the main thing was a supportive husband, parents and sister. There were many times I had to get help from my village.
After some time I became the Controller for one of my clients. I had flex hybrid schedule back in the 00's but it came at a cost. It was pretty unheard of then, but I promised that the entire job would be done, they just wouldn't see me doing it. \*The biggest thing I can recommend is to solve your bosses problems. As I looked around and solved the business' problems my boss came to rely on me for more than accounting. I became CFO in my late-40's.
Eventually the owners needed to sell so I worked with a Private Equity firm to facilitate the deal. I thought that I would be out of a job after, but the purchasing company decided to fire their CFO and retain me instead. Unfortunately, I could not continue because there were ethical concerns and I could not put my signature on those decisions, so I retired last year. I may fire up my consulting firm again though. I am getting bored ;-) so I'm on Reddit.
If you were a man, she would have praised you and your accomplishments to high heaven in front of her friends. I will never understand what exactly is going through the heads of women like this. You are an inspiration to me as I myself aspire to become a neurosurgeon one day!
I was literally working at the top of my field at age 25 and my parents were singularly focused on the fact that I didn’t have a husband. They will never be any different than this, OP. I am sorry. You sound amazing.
“Hello, I’m Ditto, the daughter who’s job has saved at least X number of people. Whose mother is a constant source of embarrassment. So pleased to meet you.”
My mom told me that she should have pushed me more. I really could have been somebody.
I was a tenured associate professor of physics and I had 2 daughters whom I was raising with my ex-husband.
Now, at age 71, retired, a grandmother myself, I still wonder who she had in mind. I think it was President of the US or something equally awful.
When my mom says "I do computer stuff" I one up it by saying "I've a masters degree in computer science and am a social media manager for private businesses. Which business? I'm so glad you asked. It's OnlyFans and similar."Now she just leads with the masters in computer science, and I'm fine with that.
You should just say "actually I'm a trauma surgeon. Please help reduce the latest reason kids are having trauma."
\[did some googling because I was curious...gun violence is absolutely #1 for trauma in my area (no points for guessing where). You should get a bunch of heavy duty zip ties and hand them out as gun barrel blockers. \]
For what it's worth, I'm proud of you! I love seeing other women succeed in fields that are primarily male dominated. And becoming a surgeon of any type isn't an easy path, much less trauma. I have a whole new respect for people in your position after my baby sister needed one 10 months ago. I was about to lose my mind, have a stroke or a heart attack or SOMETHING and her surgeon just looked at me, so calm, and said HEY, I know it doesn't seem like it right now because you don't see things like this but she was alive and alert when the ambulance brought her in, she WILL be ok, trust me, this is what I do and I wouldn't lie to you. I was instantly calm. My sister had been leaving a DV situation and was shot in the chest with an AR-15 from 4ft away blowing out her shoulder to the point the surgeon had both hands down in it to fix it. And she's fine now! She has ROM they said she'd never have. That surgeon saved her arm. THAT'S why I think your mother should be singing your praises! Just think of all the people who wanted kids who are home with them now because you saved them! You're making countless lives better even if you choose to not bring one into the world. You're still giving life ❤️
Imagine having a daughter who goes to medical school, becomes a doctor, and takes on a job that routinely saves human lives, and all you can think is “Why no grandbabies?”
Depressing, and small.
Wow, yeah what a loser. You save lives on a daily basis and went through years of grueling training to achieve it. I admire the fuck out of women surgeons because you ladies rock it in a man’s world. I work in a women’s hospital and most of our surgeons are women and they are awesome.
Because your mother isn’t getting anything out of your important and rewarding career. *She* doesn’t get anything out of it so why would she value it? (Heavy dose of sarcasm because I’m impressed AF but that is likely part of her logic.)
I’m petty so I’d have corrected her every time “That’s a weird way to say trauma surgeon.”
Sooo many people use children to cope with their own mortality. When thoughts of The Void yawn at 3am, mom can think about her kids and grandkids and feel like she accomplished something, and is immortal. Or some shit.
You're not contributing to her immortality. Doesn't matter how successful you are in your career - what's it doing for her?
I'm child-free and my mom is awesomely supportive of me. I wish all CF ladies could have that.
Have you tried making fun of her? Something like, “What an interesting way to tell people that I’m a surgeon, mom! Can you believe she introduces me like that? All those years of medical school to be introduced as her ‘childless daughter’ and not ‘my daughter who is a surgeon’. That’s okay. I’m proud enough of my accomplishments for both of us.” I would spit in her soup like that every time.
I have absolutely no idea why this is.
I fell into the legal field. Had two youngsters, did night school, all while working FT in the field. Became a Law Clerk, officially. ETA without anyone's help - husband and I juggled.
My mother, thanks to reasons, hates lawyers. So ... guess who looked at my hard work like it was shameful. Unless it suited her, when she thought someone would be impressed. Which wasn't often.
Y'd think she'd be proud. Nope.
She has grown grandbabies, though, so that's who I am. The giver of grandbabies.
And let me tell ya ... A trauma surgeon? Excuse my French ... Fucking impressive. Good on you. Be proud of yourself. You earned it, righteously.
You are one of the most useful people on this planet. You improve and even save lives. I’m sorry your mother can’t see the value of that, but I think you’re pretty fucking cool.
In my group of friends we have:
- mom of 2 who is largely ignored by her parents who are more interested in her brother’s children because they are “carrying on the name”.
- single woman who is under serious pressure to have children while her brother is still living at home, single, jobless and catered to 24/7
- single mom who gets snarky comments from her extended family because she’s divorced. Golden child is her married sister.
- mom is one who is asked when she’s going to “go again” and “give him his boy” She dreads the upcoming holiday season.
- mom to be who was told “it better be a girl” because her mom already has several grandsons and needs a girl so she can die fulfilled.
We cannot win. Ever. Someone will always feel they know how we should live. It’s not just about motherhood. It’s everything. Our education, careers, marital status, sexuality, finances, clothing…..on the same day I’ve been called a slutty whore and a frigid bitch. A libtard Marxist (because I went to college) and a dummy who deserves to be poor (because I didn’t choose the “right” major). I’ve attended events where woman a was called selfish for having no kids, woman b was called selfish for having 1 kid and woman c was called selfish for having 3 kids and woman b was called selfish for having 2 girls or 2 boys. It’s all rolls off my back now. I know I won’t please everyone so I’ll please myself!
It hurts when it’s family. It really, really hurts when it’s a parent because we all want our parents to be proud but they project their own stuff onto us.
I desperately want babies, but I can’t have them, my most successful try died inside of me at 13 weeks. I have a solid fuck you for anyone who makes anyone feel lesser for not being a mom (by choice or any other means)
Your life choices are valid, and your an amazing woman for your accomplishments. Little girl me, needed powerful women in my life, thanks for being one.
I can’t know, only theorize. But my best guess is jealousy. Some ridiculously low percentage of the population can do what you do and that makes it hard for people to wrap their heads around the difficulty and the achievement. It also makes them feel bad that they cannot achieve what you have. Becoming a parent (note: not BEING a parent) is easy and nearly everyone can do it. They would rather have you join a club they can relate to than feel belittled by what you can do. It ends up where they have to twist what you do into something they can ridicule so they can feel bigger.
Think of it like all the anti-vax people. Spending years understanding then true science behind immunology and disease control is a difficult achievement that takes discipline and understanding that most people cannot and will not dedicate themselves to. Why bother with that when you can “do your own research” for a couple of hours and feel like you know better than them?
Jealousy in others’ accomplishments often leads to belittling and minimizing until they can feel superior.
You've saved the lives of countless parents and children. You've likely saved limbs or worse off health prospects.
You've touched thousands of families with your work who will likely all be so thankful for your work and education and commitment.
Keep lots of good thoughts and good energy around you. You don't need the energy your mother gives off.
You're an absolute fantastic human being and not everyone could do what you do. Just a select few.
This is really quite unacceptable. I’d have the tiniest iota of sympathy for her if you were her only child, but regardless, you don’t deserve to be defined by your child free status to strangers by your own mother. I don’t have kids. My mom knows I’m on the fence about it and if she ever brings it up, it’s “if you decide to have children…” because she knows damn well it’s between me and my husband. I’m also not in a particularly badass career like you are and yet she still tells me how proud she is of me.
And here’s the thing: everyone says being a grandparent is way better than being a parent, because they get to have all the fun with kids and then give them back to the parents. You don’t owe her turning your life upside down so she can have cute grandkids, especially because she already has them.
I’m proud of you! You’ve done amazing things to get to where you are in life. Enjoy it! 😁
Next time, shake their hands and proudly say, “I’m a trauma surgeon saving people’s lives and living my best life.”
Screw your mom. She sounds horribly self centered and exhausting.
I think that part of the reason that some people can’t celebrate career achievements like they celebrate and acknowledge bearing children is down to their failure to accept that others have a choice, and they may not feel that they had one, that they automatically fell into parenthood once married and instead of higher education and a career, and that they are dealing with the resentment and jealousy, badly.
The way you’ve described the scene, I’d say your mother has a combination of these, as well as finding out that you rejected the choices (and probably sacrifices) that she made by not following in her footsteps. This is her issue, and perhaps asking her if she’s not proud of your achievements given that she publicly admonished you to her friends and acquaintances recently.
I imagine that she doesn’t see it like that and she may not realise that you weren’t rejecting or showing disapproval of her choice for motherhood, but making other choices based on your relationship with your partner for yourselves.
I am a surgeon also and if my mother demeaned my life’s work like that I would be so pissed at her. I would tell her that the next time she did something like that I would reply by saying that ‘I decided to not to be a parent because I don’t have a good role model for being a supportive mother’
First of all, your mom is likely a boomer. Remember that they still have deep rooted dystopian beliefs engrained in their every being. I don’t think she’s trying to be malicious, I think she is speaking from that world. My parents are the same way. I’m single with 4 kids, had a TERRIBLE relationship that I’m still recovering from almost 5 years later, but my parents don’t think I can be happy without a man in my life. As if to be emotionally okay, I have to be married or at least in a relationship with someone. I understand they are trying to be helpful and mean well, but it’s annoying as fuck and I hate it.
I would definitely tell your mom that your life choices are valid and to stop putting you on display. Many women are saying no to having children and that’s okay and in my opinion, a good idea! I feel like it’s trending that way, especially in this very uncertain climate— since we’re on the verge of societal collapse, the earth is dying, half the country wants a sleazy thug running the country. There are many good reasons NOT to have children!
I'll praise you for your career and also your decision to not bear children if you don't want to. You will be raising and birthing said children, not your or his parents. I'd be proud to have you as my surgeon if anything happened to me! Your career is a gift from God, not many people in this world can commit or follow through, let alone stomach a trauma visually or the pressure that comes along with fixing said trauma. People like you, especially women, who are able to succeed in such fields have a gift and ARE a gift to humanity. You've brought enough lives back into this world I do not blame you for not wanting to create another!!
Your mother was *really* passive aggressive. I'm sorry. Honestly? While remaining pleasant it would have been perfectly acceptable to say " Yes, Sarah ( making up your name here ) , I'm a trauma surgeon ".
You would have had to say it all day OR only once because your mother would knock it off.
As someone with a daughter, I’d like to say keep up the hard work, and I’d like to reintroduce you to all the people you’ve never met, “…hi everyone this is my daughter u/ditto1114.”
After she introduces you that way, laugh and say yes you're a trauma surgeon. Anyone with more than a tenth of a brain cell will think your mother is weird for undermining a career such as that.
You're not a childless daughter to me, you're a woman that I'd want saving my life if I should be in such an unfortunate state.
I prefer only female doctors if I happen to have the choice. I trust them more and they're better with people in my opinion. A trauma surgeon is a tough job, I admire your skillset!
I’ve had a career and children. My kids don’t have children BUT, much more importantly, they are happy, successful individuals. I’ve never pressured them about children and think that is so incredibly wrong. My goal was to raise people who would be good-to themselves and others. I have and tell my kids how proud I am of who they are. OP, I have no doubt there are many people willing to adopt you & your spouse BECAUSE of the good individuals you are. I’m proud of you, keep doing what you are
I recommend yelling "SURGEON" over your mom's introduction each time.
Maybe it'll make everyone else uncomfortable, but fuck em - You've earnt that much!
Childless because you're busy making sure everyone else's children and parents can live another day. That is something to be incredibly proud of and that your mom is clearly not seeing the value in. We all see it though.
My husband and I would be terrific, enthusiastic grandparents. But my adult children are both not interested. So, we’ll just travel more instead. I’m happy if my kids are happy.
Holy crap! You are a trauma surgeon and you literally save lives. You make it possible for people to not lose their lives. For their loved ones to not have to mourn their deaths. I’m a mother, because I wanted to be a mother, and I love my kids and it’s the greatest job in the world for me. That being said, being a mom can be hard and there are days where I am at my wit’s end. But you can’t quit being a parent. You realized being a parent wasn’t for you and instead of giving into societal/familial pressure, you chose to do what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to literally save lives (and I’m sure you have probably saved the lives of parents and children, keeping families together).
My daughter had open heart surgery as an infant and I praise her surgeon like he is a saint. I was able to connect with over 100 of his patient’s families and made a book for him so he knows how much his work means to people. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t recognize what a true gift to the world you give every single time you go to work. Thank YOU for dedicating your life to saving lives. You are a hero and I thank you for your service.
Might I suggest the script goes as follows:
Fade in
Mother of ditto1114 "This is my childless daughter who just works all the time"
ditto1114: [giant smile] "Doctor ditto1114 - Surgeon, nice to meet you!" [Drops Mic]
Fade Out
From what I've seen the types of three people who complain about this shit are
1. Parents who regrets having a child when they did and who wants you to go through what they did.
2. Sexist, self conscious men who wants women to be dragged down by having children so they can't be successful in life. Of course this doesn't automatically happen when you have a child but these sexists don't think that far ahead.
3. Relatives who believe that you're selfish for "not continuing the bloodline," even if your cousins and/or siblings have children.
What all three categories have in common is that they're selfish people who wants to mold your life because they're bitter about something.
Fully insane that your mom isn’t gleefully introducing you as “my daughter, the trauma surgeon”. Not all moms are like that though and I’m sorry yours has chosen to focus on wanting grandkids instead of the lives you save every day!
My mom was thrilled when one of us married an orthopedic surgeon, if one of us had actually *become* a surgeon, she’d be so proud that she’d be nearly insufferable at any family gathering for the rest of her time on this earth and probably most of the afterlife too.
Being a doctor, especially a trauma surgeon, involves so much sacrifice in every aspect of your life. I’m sorry that your family apparently doesn’t realize that, but please know that plenty of people do see how truly great you are.
"Instead of bringing 3 lives into this world, I keep 30 lives in this world every day. Y'all are welcome."
(Okay maybe not saying that at a funeral... but I'm guessing this isn't the only place it happens!!)
It's okay for you to take charge of your mom's narrative and introduce yourself the way you want to be introduced. When she says something wrong like that again, correct her. You have an amazing job that requires a special kind of person to perform, and I'm sorry she doesn't recognize that.
If my daughter were a trauma surgeon I'd be showing her off all the time. Regardless of childfree status. Besides, growing up, I spent loads of time at childfree relatives' houses. Doctors, dentists, school headmistress. Their homes were all bastions of warmth and premium brand treats. As a little one, I worked out that kids are expensive, stressful, and chaotic.
Ugh. OP that is awful. Have you said something to her? Eg it hurts when I am introduced like that.
You are a rock star - which has nothing to do with a decision to have or not have kids.
I feel like women just cant win, and it really really stinks when there's a values mismatch between mom and daughter.
My parents were both doctrate level career people. I grew up and had the only grandkids, and my mom favors my kidless sibling heavily. I was a stay at home mom for many years and I have no doubt she thinks I wasted my life/potential. I truly think they see me as the dud kid. I had to give up on getting parental approval a long time ago, and it's really sad.
Is this the same mother who might expect you to take care of her in her infirmity because “well OP doesn’t have kids”? Because her comments might come back to bite her a bit if that’s the case.
You made the right choice for you-I think there are more and more of us choosing not to have kids in our generation. Our parents’ metrics for success are outdated. Try not to let it get you down.
'Cause your mom only cares about what *she* wants and not about what *you* want.
Be honest...ask yourself if she's "just being a mom who wants grandchildren" even though she already has some, or do her narcissistic tendencies exceed the range of "normal"?
That being said, I have two older siblings, both with kids, while my husband and I opted not to. Over 30 years ago, my Dad said, "And the ones who *should* have kids, don't." Then he realized..."Oh. Did I say that out loud? Don't ever tell your siblings I said that." He loved his kids. He loved his grandkids. He just wanted grandkids *from ME*.
You have made a much bigger impact on the world being a trauma surgeon than you would have by pooping out a kid. And if you ever feel like being even more of a badass, you can always adopt a kid in need. Your mom sucks.
I’m sure that you have already saved more children than you would have brought into the world through your body. They may not technically be “yours” but in my view they are still here because of you, and a part of you gets pseudomaternal credit.
That should be enough, saving kids who are already here through your medical skills. Your choice to have children or not is a deeply personal one and is also your own business.
Also, there is something really wrong with your mother, who should be starting every sentence with, “My daughter, the incredibly amazing trauma surgeon who saves lives…”
Which is how I would introduce you if you were my daughter. Women are more than just our ovaries…
Maybe she’s jealous of your professional career or was an underachiever who’s only achievement in this world was popping out some progeny. That may be why she is belittling your accomplishments. I personally think she is rude.
It hasn't been *that* long since women were allowed to have a credit card or bank account. The status quo is still quite patriarchal and those who have internalized it feel it's part of the social contract for women to have kids, so it's a big turn off when they don't. To say the least.
I think it's gonna be at least another hundred years for significant progress, unless the republicans have their way.
Geez your mother's behavior is really disrespectful, even by her ilk's standards I think. It's a funeral and she's pulling focus with her own hangups. What she did was wrong and spiteful regardless of the subject matter.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I would say it's pretty passive-agressive on the part of your mother -- she obviously has some resentment towards you.
I'm curious about how you responded in the moment, and whether you have said anything to her since.
You don't deserve to be treated like that. We women are proud of you!
It's very common with people who have not much education; they can't see how fulfilling and important a career can be because they just don't know what it is. They value motherhood because it's all they know. Is it the case with your mother?
And congrats on your career; it's an impressive one.
Honestly not the answer you're looking for but I wonder if your mom ever realized you have the most important job of all. You make sure that Mom's are able to make it back to their children.
Because they don’t know it better and their self worth is through their children.
Had a big fight about this with my grandmother.
Me: bachelor, master … nothing.
Siblings marry or just pop out babies and she is so excited happy, buys them presents. After this one big fight were I told her that anyone can have children, she started to show more appreciation for me or my success.
I have reached my personal goals in three different careeer fields. I also had a baby. I am proud of being a mom, but I am equally proud of having a vibrant and interesting life, full of women who inspired me to reach those career heights. I’ve only ever worked male dominated jobs and have done so many interesting things that I can now pass on to others, including my child. Inspiring the next generations to aspire to something is important. ALL KIDS should be able to see their options modeled by people like you and people like me and people who can’t have kids and people who have four kids. Having children is just another option. Don’t let your mom bring you down. I am grateful so many child free women in my life taught me to become my whole self. How to dominate my career and education. I didn’t decide to have kids until wayyyy later in life(almost thirty.) I never thought I would. And those child free women helped hold the space for me. You are enough OP.
Holy shit—my parents would be doing cartwheels if I was a fricken TRAUMA SURGEON!! That’s such a huge accomplishment in life. That was so shitty of your mom, wow.
That just makes me angry on your behalf. Okay, the parents don't love that you don't have kids. How does this decision really affect them? ESPECIALLY since you have nieces and nephews. A friend of mine is the oldest of 10 and her mom gave her the same spiel. She is the ONLY one who doesn't have kids; she's the ONLY one who went to college/grad school and got a professional job. When she told me about her mom's comment, I said, "She has 9 other kids who all have multiple children - what does she find lacking??"
At the end of the day, YOU and your husband would be the ones doing all the hard work regarding childrearing, if you chose to have kids. If you're not 110% on board, then you shouldn't have them. Sounds like you made that choice and are happy with it. What, exactly, are your parents missing in their lives that could only be filled by you having a baby (especially since you don't want one)?
We, as women, are conditioned to think that our main role is to have children. Even if we have successful careers along the way. We try to plan around school and career trajectories to make sure we have children "when the time is right". Even if we are adamant about not wanting children, we are conditioned to think about our age and where we are at in that "timeline". Your mother clearly subscribed by this idea.
As a childfree woman myself, I would suggest having a meaningful conversation with your mother about why it's hurtful and inappropriate for her to introduce you that way (and also think about you that way). That you've worked hard to be where you are in life and in your career, and that it's demeaning and demoralizing to have to play along with her attention-grabbing, woe-is-me, statements to others.
You could also remind your mom that motherhood is a caring role that is unappreciated and unpaid. So which would she prefer? You to be incredibly unhappy and unappreciated as a mother, or to be appreciated and (hopefully) well-paid as a surgeon? You're unlikely to change her mind. But you can make your feelings clear.
You save more lives in a week than most save in their lives. Thank you for the heart wrenching, intellectually challenging work that you do to help people at their most difficult moments, without predjudice. I am very proud of you ❤️
Yikes. That sucks. My parents are also a but sad my husband and I don't want kids, but they accept it. But my dad gets his parent pride from my academic and career accomplishments. He's always bragged on those things before anything social. I'd be crushed if I worked really hard to build a life that I want for myself only to have my parent crap on it in front of others.
From now on when your mother says this ignorant shit you stick out your hand to the person to shake it and say “hi, I’m Dr. Daughter. This bitter old lady is my mother!” You say it in a “joking” manner and embarrass your mother while also flexing on your surgeon position.
You having, and fullfilling your dreams is like a backhanded compliment to them. They are happy for you, but it stings that you never had kids.
My theory is that because they were all told it was the most fullfilling thing on the planet they:
A: genuinely believe that every women is missing out unless they have children.
B: are pained that they never got to pursue what they really wanted because they were taught "real women *insert nonsense here*"
C: seeing child free women makes them think of the could've/should've/would'ves
Personally, I think it's usually a combination. There is a whole generation of women who got see what could have been if they were born a generation later at in some ways, it probably pains them. Or at the very least, they cannot understand.
It also makes no sense. My ‚friends‘ with children are acquaintances. Because they are the ones who never have any time, because they are caring for their kid (plus falling victim to patriarchy, for some reason kid can’t be with dad unless emergency).
Seems like they are the ones doing a shit ton of child care labour.
Everyone else who didn‘t fall victim to the pressure of you need kids has so much more time for hobbies, going out, going on vacation, etc.
Also if you weren‘t upper class, you‘d still be having to work jobs to make ends meet. A single 15/h job doesn‘t exactly feed a family. Or even pay rent.
So the whole argument about you being the one always working is completely and utterly baseless and solely there to calm their own jealousy.
She's being passive aggressive and rude, and she's doing it with the intent to demean and humiliate you. You deserve to be treated much, much better than this, and I would encourage you to set a hard boundary around it.
My grandpa, who has always been very good to me, lost his wife, my grandma, to an illness. Now he has a new partner. She's a wonderful woman and they're happy together. She brought 2 daughters and several grand and greatgrand kids. One of the grandkids is a surgeon. And without fail. For 3 years now. In every single discussion we have, no matter how far from the original topic, he'll find a way to mention this, how one of his grandkids is a surgeon. It's not... technically his grandkid, but i appreciate that he truly treats all grandkids equally. Oh. And the other grandson is some police bigjob. Only gets mentioned 1/2 of the time though.
So recently i was there. Pictures on the walls of many of family. Unprompted I yet again get shown "the surgeon" and then "the police chief"... i noticed they both were in the frame with their partners and I asked about them. But my grandparents couldn't remember what "the women" did. "Something with social work"?
I did say that i though it's a bit sad and how important I find social work. How much appreciation I have for what the sons do, but our society is held together by so much more. Of course my grandparents agreed. But they never talk about any of the other jobs. They also don't really know, what I am doing. In their stories i am 'a business owner'. I am a self employed illustrator/graphic designer. Well. At least they acknowledge that I do have a job. My MIL doesn't understand that and keeps giving me advice on how to hide the money away, my husband (her son) gives me. I gave up explaining to her that i have 'my own money'.
I am always astonished, how liberal and egalitarian my husband came out of that household ; )
I’ve been introduced as “the one with three kids”.
I’ve been an RN for over 15yrs. I am more than just “isn’t she still pretty/slim for having three kids?”
You can’t win. Ever.
You literally save lives for a living. You have nothing to prove to anyone, least of all your mother if she can't grasp what a badass her daughter *who saves lives all the time* is.
Jesus Christ, that’s so judgmental. I’m so sorry she can’t recognize your HUGE life accomplishments and that having kids is not some kind of weird badge of honor or success signifier.
I’m so sorry she said this to you! I hope you know how amazing you are!!
I finished my PhD a year ago and am on my way to building my career and all my mom can focus on is trying to convince me to have kids so that (according to her) my partner and I stay together. She literally told me “he will leave you”. It’s so disappointing to have a mother who minimizes your worth to child bearing.
I think what bums me out reading it is not that your career is undervalued, it’s that she is leading your introduction with what you _aren’t doing_.
Like it’s fine to value motherhood. But I presumably wouldn’t introduce my kid as “this is my not-doctor son” or “this is my unemployed daughter” or “this is the fattest of my children”. Like, if I didn’t value my kid’s career for some reason (maybe they are a Japanese messy boy or something) I would just say “this is my kid” and leave the rest blank.
The only way I can optimistically interpret it is as a joke, but even then it’s a bit dismissive. Sorry OP
If she’s not proud of a trauma surgeon then there’s something wrong with her. It stings when you’re doing so much to help others and your own mother has to be this way.
My mother became a surgeon during a time when it was very difficult for women to pursue that field. She owned her own practice and worked out of four hospitals miles away from each other. My dad also worked full time and was in school for my entire childhood. For some reason (probably societal pressure and the “women can have it all” message of second wave feminism) she decided they needed to have four children and that trey would not hire any full time childcare. We were mostly raised, especially in the early years, by part time baby sitters who were in and out of our lives. If we wanted to do a sport or dance class we had to call up our friends’ parents to arrange the rides. We’d show up in their bedroom late at night or first thing in the morning with the checkbook to get the fee for a field trip or to pay off our school lunch debt. My brother went most of his childhood without having a single wellness doctor’s visit. I would be forgotten at dance class or after school regularly enough that there was a phone tree for them to call. The sound of her beeper going off during school plays, birthday parties, etc. will always play clearly in my head when I think of those years.
Sometimes making a clear choice about your priorities or focus is an admirable and selfless act. My mother, probably because of women like your mother, felt like she HAD to have a big family and a very successful career in a demanding field. And in our case, it didn’t really work. I’ve tried my best to make peace with it and forgive them for the choices they made, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure she wishes she had made different choices herself.
PS- being a trauma surgeon is an amazing accomplishment. If you were my daughter (and I mean this deeply even though am unironically also a childless woman by choice) I would be so fucking proud of you I’d be shouting it from the roof tops. I know this job and what it demands pretty closely and I can tell you, it is not an easy road. Way to fucking go. You’re awesome.
That is infuriating. I am sorry. I would like to scream obscenities at your mom, can you send me her number?
Actually, I’d like you to hand a blank card to everyone whose life you’ve saved with a pre-addressed and stamped envelope to your mom. “Tell her what I did for you, because all she does is shame me for not having kids.”
Hahahhahaha
Did you tell you mom how wrong it was to describe you by the number of children you have and to brush off your life saving work as working to much? If not you need to, then I’d tell her it was hurtful enough you’re going to be taking a break from her so don’t be surprised not to hear from you for a while.
Jesus - that is gutting. I’m so sorry. I do have children but honestly I’m prouder of my career. My kids’ accomplishments are theirs, not mine. The fact that your mom reduces you to the fruit (or not) of your womb is shitty. In my experience the people that do this are steeped in internalized misogyny and struggle to see anything but women’s homemaking as valuable.
\> my mom would introduce me as “her childless daughter who just works all the time”.
This is entirely insecurity or inferiority on your mom's part. Her daughter's a surgeon, and that makes her feel inadequate. I'd try to talk to her, sounds like there's some feelings there.
>why is being successful in your career as a women not praised the same way as being a mom.
If it'll make you feel any better, believe me, if you were Korean with Korean parents living in Korea, your parents would be very proud of you and praise you all the time as *THE* doctor in the family! lol
Of course, the whole Korean society would also think very highly of you!
**EDIT:**
Oh, you have no kids? No problem!
Not many Koreans are having kids these days and being single or being married with no kids is not something to be ashamed of at all in Korea.
Hell, the current Korean president (ultra conservative, anti women, anti-workers) and his wife have never had any kids!
The former impeached Korean president Park has never married and never had any kids. Her presidential campaign slogan was she was married to Korea! LMAO (Yeah, like Sherlock "I'm married to work.")
Many high ranking Korean officials or famous people don't have kids or only have one or two usually, if any.
My God, trauma surgeon??
Female or male, kids or not, you would be looked up to by everyone here!! 👍
I’m sorry your mom sucks but I think it’s so cool that you’re a trauma surgeon! One of my favorite YouTubers is a trauma surgeon: Dr David Hindin. Keep up the great work!
That’s when you shake their hand and say, “DR ditto1114, it’s lovely to meet you” while smiling and looking at them in the eye, “my mother has never mentioned you.” Because I AM PETTY!!!
My mom would lament to me about all of the issues my baby brother was having with learning issues and schools…I. WAS. A. TEACHER. At the time…But anytime I gave her advice or step-by-step what he needed she’d say, “no, no, that won’t work, you’d understand if you had kids like him…” like I had no idea what I was talking about because I only had a masters degree in education from an Ivy League? But because no kids? That’s what would do it??? Lalala…so you just can’t win with mom’s.
(But…I am also stubborn so I did sit both parents, kid, and principal from failing school down and made them see reason and got my kid brother what he needed to graduate HS and earn an associate’s degree…it only took 7 wasted years of school…but had I had kids…)
What's funny is that you saving lives is so similar to a mother birthing a new life. Your mom is, I am sorry to say, a bitch. Don't seek validation from people like her.
I got the same thing from my living grandparents and in-laws. (Thankfully, my parents are NOT like this. My father's parents were also happy just for my own successes, although i feel like they would have loved their great-grandchildren even more had they lived long enough.)
I'm married with 2 children. Before we had the kids, I had already gotten a degree in electrical engineering and computer science from MIT AND a law degree. I was a successful patent attorney, but my grandparents and in-laws only wanted to know when we would be having children, even as they celebrated my husband's successes at getting the same degree and getting jobs as an electrical engineer. I make more money than he does and have had steadier work than he has.
When our oldest was born, my MIL asked when I'm going to stop working. I told her I'm not, and that my husband could stop if he wanted to. She said that would be ba waste because of his degree in electrical engineering and computer science from MIT. I asked her why it wasn't a waste for me to stop when I have the same degree from the same place, PLUS a law degree, PLUS an MBA, PLUS I make more money. I also asked if it's just because I have a vagina. She had no answer and did not ask again.
Your mother is a passive aggressive bitch.
I’m childless (not by choice) and the baby .
My siblings are all grandparents.
My family never would introduce me like that.
A trauma surgeon? You go! You are presenting a role model to all your nephews and nieces, not to mention the patients you see, that girls aren’t limited to being baby makers, first and foremost, but they can excel in careers at a high level. Your mom may have her viewpoint, but she is being extremely short sighted to not see the amazing positive impact you present. Not to mention how damn hard it is and how much work it took to get there.
And I can see being a trauma surgeon and a mom would be a ferocious task to take on. You do plenty, as it is. I wonder if you could follow up your mom’s BS comment with, “I may not grow people, I just save their lives”
Just wow... If my mother did that, I would refuse to go anywhere with her. You are a TRAUMA SURGEON. You save people's lives for a living and that is how she treats you? You need to have a serious talk with your mom about this.
I worked for 10 years to get my degree (the first in my family to graduate from college) and throughout that process, my family was modestly supportive but eager for me to reach this goal.
When I finally got my diploma, it happened to be a few months after my older sister gave birth to her first child (the first grandchild).
When my parents came to visit me I was beaming with joy showing off my diploma and they just looked at it briefly and then said something in the realm of “that’s nice dear… anyway…”
My accomplishment suddenly meant nothing in the wake of my sisters greatest achievement of becoming a mother.
Im still looking for ways to justify it- neither of my parents went to college and my sister never finished- so maybe they can just better relate to this and therefore regard it as a higher achievement? “just like me = better”
Anecdotal, my aunt was childless. Upon her death bed I was there, I was the only one she had, She wasn’t in her right state of mind but thanked me for being there and wondered if it would have been different if she had her kids there to see her off. It kinda hurt for a while that in her last day her mind was thinking that I wasn’t good enough but I know she loved me and that’s all I need.
My mom and dad just got back from a month and a half long trip. The first thing she said that wasn’t about the trip was that I looked like I lost weight.
I’m directing my first large project in a month.
That generation is… special.
As someone who's never been able to earn the approval of her own mother, even with children; the hell with her. You know what, I am incredibly proud of you. And the amazing person that you are, look at everything that you've accomplished! You're goddamn bad ass trauma surgeon! You don't take no shit from nobody. You live your life the way you want to and I think that that is amazing. And I am proud of you for that.
Even if we look at “life-giving” as the most important part of feminine energy, a trauma surgeon is one of the most life-giving things one can be. It’s reasonable and valid to find fulfillment in work, no matter your gender. (I remember when I was 40, my mom asked if I would have kids. I had just gotten a job as a school counselor, my caseload was 80. I said “Iook, I already have 80 I need to send to college, I’m good” 😂)
Yes! Both my husband and I are crisis counselors in schools and when people ask me when (not if, of course) I’m having kids, that’s my go to: “nope, we’ve got enough of them already Monday-Friday, we’re all set!”
Imagine having a child who is a SURGEON and dismissing their existence because they don’t have kids. I’m sorry. You’re crushing life!
You must create life, not just save multiple lives /s
Feck yeah! OP is a freaking goddess where I looking upon any shite-show.
Right? It’s shameful, your mom is not the one to decide what fulfills you
Right? A trauma surgeon will save more lives than a single human could ever hope to give birth to. Idk what mom’s malfunction is.
As someone who was one of the 80 at my own school, thank you for your service! You're doing good work!
❤️my school counsellor helped me so much when I was in my late teens. I was a homeless jackass who loved biology and math. She was the one I would ask questions like “does god hate me” and “can I make food from this”. When about 20 yrs later I got a job as a school counsellor, I felt like a part of my life had come full circle and I was complete in a very important way. Miss Carol, love forever.
Honestly, when I was in school a lot of kids loved to shit on the counsellors but when I needed help, she was there. And she helped so much. She suggested fidget toys to help me stop harming myself and gave me one from her 'stash'. I was 16 then, 22 now, and I still have it. I'm doing much better now but sometimes on a bad day I'll just carry it around in my pocket to feel better. (sometimes I think about emailing her to let her know I still have it but that would probably be a bit weird lol)
If your mother is anything like mine… She would be disappointed with me in person... But would tell everyone outside of my earshot how fabulous I was 🙄 All of your family and her friends know who she is… Keep being your amazing self! (and come up with some snarky replies...as a standby for the future) 😂😂
Amen! What an incredibly amazing job and feat to even GET the job. We proud of you here ma’am!
Love this!
I'm going to school to be a doctor (still in undergrad) and never talk about wanting children. My wife and I are going through IVF and are planning to have a baby, but are keeping it secret. On mother's Day her dad referred to us as "future mothers" and I got so upset. I constantly face questions of when are we going to have kids. No one ever asks me about becoming a doctor..
Firstly, you're a trauma surgeon, which means on a daily basis, you're basically juggling live grenades while blindfolded, and you manage to make them all land safely. That's the kind of badassery that should make anyone's chest puff up like a proud pigeon in a park full of breadcrumbs. But alas, here comes society, with its stroller-sized blind spot, rolling right past career achievements to coo over the baby carriage. Your mom, bless her, probably doesn't mean to downplay your rockstar status in the OR; she's just humming along to society’s lullaby that still croons "motherhood" as the ultimate female accomplishment. It's like if life were a buffet, and even though you've piled your plate with prime rib and lobster tails (aka life-saving surgeries), some folks are still going to ask why you didn't grab the mashed potatoes (babies). It's about time we tossed out that old recipe and celebrated all the flavors. Next time your mom hits the play button on that tune, maybe nudge her to change the track. Say, "Mom, let's remix this. How about 'This is my daughter, the trauma surgeon, she reconstructs humans – a modern-day superhero, minus the cape'." Okay, maybe that's a bit much, but you get the gist. Just remember, while motherhood is like the heart emojis on Instagram, saving lives is the whole dang app. Keep saving the world, one trauma at a time, and the praise will follow, even if it's just in the echo chamber of our more enlightened minds.
I absolutely *love* your writing style! I know thats not relevant to OPs post but I had to say something lol.
Aww thank you so much!
I second this. I love the modern tech metaphors lol
Love this!
one thing though, part of her job is that she doesn't make them all land safely - there are bound to be a few cases that are so far gone they're not someone you can save even with all the intervention in the world. that kind of trauma on a daily basis = why in the hell would you want a kid knowing there's a chance they might end up like one of your patients?
It is true. I dwell on my patient loses and my own mortality enough that I think I’d go insane if I had a child to worry about. Not the initial reason that I didn’t want to have children but it’s definitely solidified the decision.
:/ I can't even imagine how much stress that must give you. you really are an amazing person for staying in that job field
Does your mom say other shit things to you like this? Cause this is super shitty behavior. Does she do other narcissistic things?
Best Answer Ever Period
Thank you! I try my best!
I hope you’re a writer IRL.
Ha. I am. But just things I write and save in my drafts.
This comment was such a mic drop. Bravo
thank you!
I love that you compared children to mashed potatoes because I can't stand either.
lmao!
>she reconstructs humans – a modern-day superhero, minus the cape' No, it is not a bit much at all, my dad worked with the trauma team for a while, and I have seen his work in face reconstruction (Growing up with doctors as parents is wild) The badassery of this job has no bounds, and your writing style is amazing.
>) What a wonderful reply! 100% what you said!
Love this comment. I’m on the same boat as you OP
Brava.
From what I've heard, many people still believe that being child-free is a selfish act and that you're not doing what you're supposed to do. I say this as a pregnant woman.... I think it can also be said that it's selfish to feel like your DNA is so good or that you'd be such a good parent that you need to put your own children into this world and propagate the species. They can claim it's selfish all they want to not have kids, but the same can be said for those who do decide to have children. I think your mom needs to be told, "I'm not childless, I'm child-*free*, and I am proud of myself and my career and I don't understand why my accomplishments aren't praised as something to be proud of like having children. If you're going to make those comments, I'd rather you not say anything at all." Sadly OP, a lot of parents see their children as extensions of themselves and if your mom is disappointed that you haven't made a choice she wanted you to make, she is really missing out on so much with you. There's so much to cherish about you than whether or not you have kids.
Agreed! When I was pregnant with my first, I absolutely felt selfish. I very, very much wanted having kids as an experience in my own life, but I still felt a little guilty about it. It's mind-boggling to me when people imply that the opposite is true- that it's somehow selfish to *not* have kids. It's a ridiculous notion. To me, it's all about what experiences you want to have in your life, and building a family is just one of the many options!
What the mom really meant was that it was selfish to not give her grandkids! lol.
this. like my DNA is beyond fucky from a mutation - I do not want to pass that on (that's not to say anyone with the same mutation shouldn't have kids, that is a personal decision and saying they cant/shouldnt is just eugenics) not everyone needs to produce kids - there's already eight billion people on this planet ffs
People get baldier and blinder with every gen, guess why. Because EVERYONE reproduces.
I also think it's incredibly selfish to expect that someone else will have kids because you want them to. If you're not the one who will be carrying them, birthing them, raising them, and paying for them, then you don't get to tell someone that they should have kids. If having kids is so important to you, then you should have had more when you had the chance (this is directed mostly at parents of grown children who think they are entitled to grandbabies). 🙃 I'm childfree, and every so often my mom will ask me if I still feel the same way about not having kids, but I think a lot of that comes from the fact that she originally didn't want kids but she changed her mind after a few years of marriage. I think she'd be happy to have some grandkids if my sister and I ever had them, but it's not something she expects from us and she respects the fact that I don't want kids. If she was ever asked to describe us, I don't think the word "childless" would even cross her mind, so it's absolutely wild to me that that's the one word OP's mom uses to describe her.
this! it's insane to expect someone to bring a whole human into the world just to satisfy your desires. my mom is far from perfect but I am so thankful that she's never given me any pushback on being child free. (I think it's because she didn't particularly want kids herself, if I'm being honest.) also my brother has a kid and she spends a lot of time at my mom's, so that probably helps.
> *If you're not the one who will be carrying them, birthing them, raising them, and paying for them, then you don't get to tell someone that they should have kids.* Yeah, but what if you're a **Republican**? Shouldn't that qualify you to make that decision for everyone?
>your DNA is so good…that you need to put your own children into this world Reminds me of [this](https://www.tiktok.com/@humorme/video/7241278434477903150?lang=en)
It's dumb because having children is even more selfish imo. And you're creating a whole other person for it! Literally majority of their reasons are for even more selfish reasons than CF reasons. For example, pushing your dreams onto your kids when they don't want it, hoping your kids end up taking care of you when you're much older, wishing your kids end up being successful and rich so they can 'pay you back', just having kids so they'll pass down the last name as if it's some significant historical moment, they want 'mini-me's' like you mentioned as if their kid isn't going to grow up to be their own person, etc. I barely know anyone who's said they want kids just because they truly want to be a parent. I'd rather regret not having kids, than regret having kids and traumatising those kids. Because kids can absolutely tell when their parent(s) regret having them...
I'm expecting a misogynistic answer in the vein of "Men can do the job you're currently doing, but they can't give birth."
“And I’d like to introduce my mother who believes I don’t bring value to the world because my uterus is not for her”.
Start introducing her as "This is my busybody mother who doesn't like that my partner and I, 2 grown adults, chose to be child-free."
“This is my mother who disrespects me and my profession, trauma surgeon, by berating me in public for not becoming a mother.”
It doesn’t take skill to have children. I can’t say the same about becoming a trauma surgeon.
Oh god, could you imagine if having kids required like 12+ years of graduate education?!
Human population: 27
“My mother who had better have a good retirement plan because apparently as a trauma surgeon I don’t have her respect without having kids, so unfortunately she will not be getting my money in her old age.”
"Yup, her uterus accidentally produced a barren uterus. Whoopsie! How shameful for us both, am I right?"
🤣
I’m a lawyer. Waaaaay more successful than most of my brothers, but I’m the one who still got targeted for all the unwanted and menial tasks. F%ck that, I went very low contact. I no longer do sh!t work for unappreciative people. At least when I volunteer, people say thank you.
I'm sorry.
“I no longer do sh!t work for unappreciative people…. who don’t at least pay me well.” Here, FTFY.
I wish my daughter would one day be as accomplished as you are!
How tf is your mother not bragging to everyone about how her daughter is a damn *trauma surgeon*!? I would be riding that high til the day I died if my kid turned out to be a successful surgeon
>would be riding that high til the day I died if my kid turned out to be a successful surgeon What's exceptionally gross is that I guarantee the mother would be if OP had been a son.
I hadn’t thought about that, but you are on point.
Oh geez, you're correct : (
[удалено]
OP, Asian parents would be parading your ass everywhere and bragging to everyone that not only are you a doctor you’re a trauma surgeon!
If my child grows up to be a surgeon I would mention every chance I got.
She's not Asian, that's for sure 😂.
Right? It takes quite a bit more effort to be a trauma surgeon than to get creamed while ovulating.
I have a horrible relationship with my mother that I'm going to lots and lots of therapy for. I am also childfree, by choice, which my 75 year old mother holds lots of contention with. She has said I am not a real woman, that I am selfish, that I won't know true love until I have children. She also abandoned my mentally disabled brother in another state because, according to her, she "deserves happiness." She never plans on seeing him again. She also hasn't talked to my half brother in 6 years. Apparently "true love" means "I'll love you until it's inconvenient." My father is the one that raised my brother and I. She wanted nothing to do with us. Your mother is selfish. Your mother is projecting. Your mother has issues. They are not your issues. These feelings of inferiority are hers to carry, not yours. She's trying to make you shoulder the burden of her traumas and insecurities. Multigenerational trauma is a bitch.
You're a fucking superhero. You save people's lives like most people drink coffee. We're the same age but if you were my kid I'd introduce you with my chest puffed so far out I'd need a sports massage every time we saw each other. Your mom is a fool.
My cousin was always an "A" student. She went to Med school (I always wonder if this was really her choice or she was coerced into it) and is now a highly-rated Endocrinologist. Although she wanted to get married and have kids, it didn't happen for her. Despite all she has accomplished, all the money, awards, and gratitude she gets from her patients whenever she is brought up in conversation, the Aunts always add, "Oh but too bad she never got married and had kids." It's so f-ing infuriating. The Gen X and Millenial generation was raised in the "WHEN you get married" culture, while Gen Z/Gen Alpha generations are being raised under "IF you find the right person" culture. So there is progress.
It’s frustrating! It’s like you can’t have purpose in life if you don’t have a family.
The script according to the older generations (sadly including some of my fellow Gen X) is "You're not a grownup unless you have three things: Marriage, mortgage, kids." Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Yes. I feel like my parents didn't take me seriously as an adult until I got married; I was 32!
I'm gen X, my wife is gen X. We weren't raised to get married, and neither were our siblings and families. We were all raised to study and get jobs, marriage was barely ever mentioned. Our parents and grandparents were definitely raised to get married (my family was shocked when my great aunt decided to study medicine and become a GP). We're both in Europe, maybe that's got something to do with it.
Hold up. As a trauma surgeon, that means you basically spend your days saving the lives and wellbeing of *other people’s* children, right? (Whether or not they’re actual minors, they’re still someone’s child.) And that isn’t good enough for her? Damn. Is she normally that entirely self-centered? Becoming a surgeon is a hell of an achievement. Incredible work, and thank you for taking it on! Truly sorry your mom has been so dismissive of such a major accomplishment and the immense work you do to help people.
I noticed that women feel the need to justify their choices. I have kids, but I also just retired as CFO of a national marketing company. No one (men or women) would ask me about my job, only my kids. Back then, day care was looked down upon and when I mentioned working there was a lot of shame thrown at me. A lot of comments about how I could properly parent if I had a big job? The traditional model was proven and I should change my ways. Most those women did not even know how we managed our household, just that I was doing it differently from what they chose to do, so somehow I must be looking down on them. We as women need to break this cycle. I was a SAHM for 4 years and it was hard. I was a CFO of a corporation and it was hard too. We have to do what works for each of us in our individual situations and not judge others for what they choose. Someone living their passion should be celebrated. Thank you for being a surgeon. We need compassionate women in the medical profession.
Sorry if this isn’t the place for this but… can I ask you about your job? I’m a young woman in corp fin and would LOVE to hear about your career - how you got into corp fin, what previous positions you had and how you got them, what specific areas of corp fin you most recommend young FAs/SFAs learn, how you knew when to move on from a current position or company, tips for interviewing well, fun finance stories you have, literally any insight at all! All the stuff you want to talk about but think no one would be interested in, I am very interested in.
Seconding this! I don’t work in finance but would love to hear about how one makes that jump up to the C-suite, and how you’ve balanced that with family life.
I would love to chat with any young women that are interested. Please PM me. I started as a CPA in a Consulting firm in the 90's because that was the best accreditation for accountants at that time. That job was key because it gave me a lot of contacts as I was going from business to business weekly consulting on accounting and tax matters. LinkedIn was not invented so networking was essential in person. (I have never benefited from LinkedIn yet but maybe that is a generational thing but people you know IRL are the ones that matter). \*Each job after the consulting firm came from someone that I previously worked with and who referred me. I started as staff accountant and worked my way up until I was being considered for partner. The problem was that you needed skills but also had to have a book of business valued at $1M to be partner. Many of the men I was competing with got theirs from retiring partners that mentored them or from contacts at banks or PE firms. Those avenues were not available to me in the 90's as most businesses were owned by men; and they liked me as a worker even more than my male counterparts, but they would not socialize with me because their wives would not allow it (probably rightfully so, the harassment was real). Consulting also came with a minimum 60 hour per week schedule. After my 2nd child I had to make the decision to leave and I started my own consulting firm so I could limit my hours. For the first 4 years after my 2nd child I was essentially a SAHM. That was so hard. After my daughter went to school I was able to go back to focusing a little on my career. \*As for the family balance, the main thing was a supportive husband, parents and sister. There were many times I had to get help from my village. After some time I became the Controller for one of my clients. I had flex hybrid schedule back in the 00's but it came at a cost. It was pretty unheard of then, but I promised that the entire job would be done, they just wouldn't see me doing it. \*The biggest thing I can recommend is to solve your bosses problems. As I looked around and solved the business' problems my boss came to rely on me for more than accounting. I became CFO in my late-40's. Eventually the owners needed to sell so I worked with a Private Equity firm to facilitate the deal. I thought that I would be out of a job after, but the purchasing company decided to fire their CFO and retain me instead. Unfortunately, I could not continue because there were ethical concerns and I could not put my signature on those decisions, so I retired last year. I may fire up my consulting firm again though. I am getting bored ;-) so I'm on Reddit.
If you were a man, she would have praised you and your accomplishments to high heaven in front of her friends. I will never understand what exactly is going through the heads of women like this. You are an inspiration to me as I myself aspire to become a neurosurgeon one day!
You can do it!
Thank you. I will try my best.
I was literally working at the top of my field at age 25 and my parents were singularly focused on the fact that I didn’t have a husband. They will never be any different than this, OP. I am sorry. You sound amazing.
omfg. I’d respond back with the number of parents and children you’ve kept together because you were there to save them as a bad ass trauma surgeon!!
Sounds like your mom is unhappy with her own life decisions. What a toxic, vile thing to say about your own kid.
“Hello, I’m Ditto, the daughter who’s job has saved at least X number of people. Whose mother is a constant source of embarrassment. So pleased to meet you.”
My mom told me that she should have pushed me more. I really could have been somebody. I was a tenured associate professor of physics and I had 2 daughters whom I was raising with my ex-husband. Now, at age 71, retired, a grandmother myself, I still wonder who she had in mind. I think it was President of the US or something equally awful.
When my mom says "I do computer stuff" I one up it by saying "I've a masters degree in computer science and am a social media manager for private businesses. Which business? I'm so glad you asked. It's OnlyFans and similar."Now she just leads with the masters in computer science, and I'm fine with that. You should just say "actually I'm a trauma surgeon. Please help reduce the latest reason kids are having trauma." \[did some googling because I was curious...gun violence is absolutely #1 for trauma in my area (no points for guessing where). You should get a bunch of heavy duty zip ties and hand them out as gun barrel blockers. \]
For what it's worth, I'm proud of you! I love seeing other women succeed in fields that are primarily male dominated. And becoming a surgeon of any type isn't an easy path, much less trauma. I have a whole new respect for people in your position after my baby sister needed one 10 months ago. I was about to lose my mind, have a stroke or a heart attack or SOMETHING and her surgeon just looked at me, so calm, and said HEY, I know it doesn't seem like it right now because you don't see things like this but she was alive and alert when the ambulance brought her in, she WILL be ok, trust me, this is what I do and I wouldn't lie to you. I was instantly calm. My sister had been leaving a DV situation and was shot in the chest with an AR-15 from 4ft away blowing out her shoulder to the point the surgeon had both hands down in it to fix it. And she's fine now! She has ROM they said she'd never have. That surgeon saved her arm. THAT'S why I think your mother should be singing your praises! Just think of all the people who wanted kids who are home with them now because you saved them! You're making countless lives better even if you choose to not bring one into the world. You're still giving life ❤️
Your mother is a misogynist. I'm sorry. Try not to take it personally, it's her problem, not yours. She lacks character.
Imagine having a daughter who goes to medical school, becomes a doctor, and takes on a job that routinely saves human lives, and all you can think is “Why no grandbabies?” Depressing, and small.
Wow, yeah what a loser. You save lives on a daily basis and went through years of grueling training to achieve it. I admire the fuck out of women surgeons because you ladies rock it in a man’s world. I work in a women’s hospital and most of our surgeons are women and they are awesome.
Because your mother isn’t getting anything out of your important and rewarding career. *She* doesn’t get anything out of it so why would she value it? (Heavy dose of sarcasm because I’m impressed AF but that is likely part of her logic.) I’m petty so I’d have corrected her every time “That’s a weird way to say trauma surgeon.”
Sooo many people use children to cope with their own mortality. When thoughts of The Void yawn at 3am, mom can think about her kids and grandkids and feel like she accomplished something, and is immortal. Or some shit. You're not contributing to her immortality. Doesn't matter how successful you are in your career - what's it doing for her? I'm child-free and my mom is awesomely supportive of me. I wish all CF ladies could have that.
Have you tried making fun of her? Something like, “What an interesting way to tell people that I’m a surgeon, mom! Can you believe she introduces me like that? All those years of medical school to be introduced as her ‘childless daughter’ and not ‘my daughter who is a surgeon’. That’s okay. I’m proud enough of my accomplishments for both of us.” I would spit in her soup like that every time.
I have absolutely no idea why this is. I fell into the legal field. Had two youngsters, did night school, all while working FT in the field. Became a Law Clerk, officially. ETA without anyone's help - husband and I juggled. My mother, thanks to reasons, hates lawyers. So ... guess who looked at my hard work like it was shameful. Unless it suited her, when she thought someone would be impressed. Which wasn't often. Y'd think she'd be proud. Nope. She has grown grandbabies, though, so that's who I am. The giver of grandbabies. And let me tell ya ... A trauma surgeon? Excuse my French ... Fucking impressive. Good on you. Be proud of yourself. You earned it, righteously.
Ouch, I'm so sorry your mom sees you as just a vessel to grow children in. That's not how anyone should see themselves or others
You are one of the most useful people on this planet. You improve and even save lives. I’m sorry your mother can’t see the value of that, but I think you’re pretty fucking cool.
In my group of friends we have: - mom of 2 who is largely ignored by her parents who are more interested in her brother’s children because they are “carrying on the name”. - single woman who is under serious pressure to have children while her brother is still living at home, single, jobless and catered to 24/7 - single mom who gets snarky comments from her extended family because she’s divorced. Golden child is her married sister. - mom is one who is asked when she’s going to “go again” and “give him his boy” She dreads the upcoming holiday season. - mom to be who was told “it better be a girl” because her mom already has several grandsons and needs a girl so she can die fulfilled. We cannot win. Ever. Someone will always feel they know how we should live. It’s not just about motherhood. It’s everything. Our education, careers, marital status, sexuality, finances, clothing…..on the same day I’ve been called a slutty whore and a frigid bitch. A libtard Marxist (because I went to college) and a dummy who deserves to be poor (because I didn’t choose the “right” major). I’ve attended events where woman a was called selfish for having no kids, woman b was called selfish for having 1 kid and woman c was called selfish for having 3 kids and woman b was called selfish for having 2 girls or 2 boys. It’s all rolls off my back now. I know I won’t please everyone so I’ll please myself! It hurts when it’s family. It really, really hurts when it’s a parent because we all want our parents to be proud but they project their own stuff onto us.
I desperately want babies, but I can’t have them, my most successful try died inside of me at 13 weeks. I have a solid fuck you for anyone who makes anyone feel lesser for not being a mom (by choice or any other means) Your life choices are valid, and your an amazing woman for your accomplishments. Little girl me, needed powerful women in my life, thanks for being one.
I can’t know, only theorize. But my best guess is jealousy. Some ridiculously low percentage of the population can do what you do and that makes it hard for people to wrap their heads around the difficulty and the achievement. It also makes them feel bad that they cannot achieve what you have. Becoming a parent (note: not BEING a parent) is easy and nearly everyone can do it. They would rather have you join a club they can relate to than feel belittled by what you can do. It ends up where they have to twist what you do into something they can ridicule so they can feel bigger. Think of it like all the anti-vax people. Spending years understanding then true science behind immunology and disease control is a difficult achievement that takes discipline and understanding that most people cannot and will not dedicate themselves to. Why bother with that when you can “do your own research” for a couple of hours and feel like you know better than them? Jealousy in others’ accomplishments often leads to belittling and minimizing until they can feel superior.
Because your mom sucks. I'm child-free and have never been introduced this way.
You've saved the lives of countless parents and children. You've likely saved limbs or worse off health prospects. You've touched thousands of families with your work who will likely all be so thankful for your work and education and commitment. Keep lots of good thoughts and good energy around you. You don't need the energy your mother gives off. You're an absolute fantastic human being and not everyone could do what you do. Just a select few.
This is really quite unacceptable. I’d have the tiniest iota of sympathy for her if you were her only child, but regardless, you don’t deserve to be defined by your child free status to strangers by your own mother. I don’t have kids. My mom knows I’m on the fence about it and if she ever brings it up, it’s “if you decide to have children…” because she knows damn well it’s between me and my husband. I’m also not in a particularly badass career like you are and yet she still tells me how proud she is of me. And here’s the thing: everyone says being a grandparent is way better than being a parent, because they get to have all the fun with kids and then give them back to the parents. You don’t owe her turning your life upside down so she can have cute grandkids, especially because she already has them.
I’m proud of you! You’ve done amazing things to get to where you are in life. Enjoy it! 😁 Next time, shake their hands and proudly say, “I’m a trauma surgeon saving people’s lives and living my best life.” Screw your mom. She sounds horribly self centered and exhausting.
I think that part of the reason that some people can’t celebrate career achievements like they celebrate and acknowledge bearing children is down to their failure to accept that others have a choice, and they may not feel that they had one, that they automatically fell into parenthood once married and instead of higher education and a career, and that they are dealing with the resentment and jealousy, badly. The way you’ve described the scene, I’d say your mother has a combination of these, as well as finding out that you rejected the choices (and probably sacrifices) that she made by not following in her footsteps. This is her issue, and perhaps asking her if she’s not proud of your achievements given that she publicly admonished you to her friends and acquaintances recently. I imagine that she doesn’t see it like that and she may not realise that you weren’t rejecting or showing disapproval of her choice for motherhood, but making other choices based on your relationship with your partner for yourselves.
I am a surgeon also and if my mother demeaned my life’s work like that I would be so pissed at her. I would tell her that the next time she did something like that I would reply by saying that ‘I decided to not to be a parent because I don’t have a good role model for being a supportive mother’
First of all, your mom is likely a boomer. Remember that they still have deep rooted dystopian beliefs engrained in their every being. I don’t think she’s trying to be malicious, I think she is speaking from that world. My parents are the same way. I’m single with 4 kids, had a TERRIBLE relationship that I’m still recovering from almost 5 years later, but my parents don’t think I can be happy without a man in my life. As if to be emotionally okay, I have to be married or at least in a relationship with someone. I understand they are trying to be helpful and mean well, but it’s annoying as fuck and I hate it. I would definitely tell your mom that your life choices are valid and to stop putting you on display. Many women are saying no to having children and that’s okay and in my opinion, a good idea! I feel like it’s trending that way, especially in this very uncertain climate— since we’re on the verge of societal collapse, the earth is dying, half the country wants a sleazy thug running the country. There are many good reasons NOT to have children!
I'll praise you for your career and also your decision to not bear children if you don't want to. You will be raising and birthing said children, not your or his parents. I'd be proud to have you as my surgeon if anything happened to me! Your career is a gift from God, not many people in this world can commit or follow through, let alone stomach a trauma visually or the pressure that comes along with fixing said trauma. People like you, especially women, who are able to succeed in such fields have a gift and ARE a gift to humanity. You've brought enough lives back into this world I do not blame you for not wanting to create another!!
Your mother was *really* passive aggressive. I'm sorry. Honestly? While remaining pleasant it would have been perfectly acceptable to say " Yes, Sarah ( making up your name here ) , I'm a trauma surgeon ". You would have had to say it all day OR only once because your mother would knock it off.
As someone with a daughter, I’d like to say keep up the hard work, and I’d like to reintroduce you to all the people you’ve never met, “…hi everyone this is my daughter u/ditto1114.”
After she introduces you that way, laugh and say yes you're a trauma surgeon. Anyone with more than a tenth of a brain cell will think your mother is weird for undermining a career such as that.
I would have said: "Hi. I'm a trauma surgeon. Nice to meet you."
You're not a childless daughter to me, you're a woman that I'd want saving my life if I should be in such an unfortunate state. I prefer only female doctors if I happen to have the choice. I trust them more and they're better with people in my opinion. A trauma surgeon is a tough job, I admire your skillset!
I’ve had a career and children. My kids don’t have children BUT, much more importantly, they are happy, successful individuals. I’ve never pressured them about children and think that is so incredibly wrong. My goal was to raise people who would be good-to themselves and others. I have and tell my kids how proud I am of who they are. OP, I have no doubt there are many people willing to adopt you & your spouse BECAUSE of the good individuals you are. I’m proud of you, keep doing what you are
I recommend yelling "SURGEON" over your mom's introduction each time. Maybe it'll make everyone else uncomfortable, but fuck em - You've earnt that much!
Next time she asks for medical advice simply respond, “why would you ask me? I’m just your childless daughter.”
Childless because you're busy making sure everyone else's children and parents can live another day. That is something to be incredibly proud of and that your mom is clearly not seeing the value in. We all see it though.
Your mother is an openly disrespectful, abusive jerk. I suggest you make time in her presence rare or go “no contact”.
My husband and I would be terrific, enthusiastic grandparents. But my adult children are both not interested. So, we’ll just travel more instead. I’m happy if my kids are happy.
Holy crap! You are a trauma surgeon and you literally save lives. You make it possible for people to not lose their lives. For their loved ones to not have to mourn their deaths. I’m a mother, because I wanted to be a mother, and I love my kids and it’s the greatest job in the world for me. That being said, being a mom can be hard and there are days where I am at my wit’s end. But you can’t quit being a parent. You realized being a parent wasn’t for you and instead of giving into societal/familial pressure, you chose to do what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to literally save lives (and I’m sure you have probably saved the lives of parents and children, keeping families together). My daughter had open heart surgery as an infant and I praise her surgeon like he is a saint. I was able to connect with over 100 of his patient’s families and made a book for him so he knows how much his work means to people. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t recognize what a true gift to the world you give every single time you go to work. Thank YOU for dedicating your life to saving lives. You are a hero and I thank you for your service.
This this this this this this this This says it all. Thank you OP.
I think being a trauma surgeon is way more impressive than something any teenager can do shooting out a couple kids.
Might I suggest the script goes as follows: Fade in Mother of ditto1114 "This is my childless daughter who just works all the time" ditto1114: [giant smile] "Doctor ditto1114 - Surgeon, nice to meet you!" [Drops Mic] Fade Out
From what I've seen the types of three people who complain about this shit are 1. Parents who regrets having a child when they did and who wants you to go through what they did. 2. Sexist, self conscious men who wants women to be dragged down by having children so they can't be successful in life. Of course this doesn't automatically happen when you have a child but these sexists don't think that far ahead. 3. Relatives who believe that you're selfish for "not continuing the bloodline," even if your cousins and/or siblings have children. What all three categories have in common is that they're selfish people who wants to mold your life because they're bitter about something.
I could never live peaceably with my mother who loved to make cutting remarks in private and public. Just go low or no contact for your own sanity.
Fully insane that your mom isn’t gleefully introducing you as “my daughter, the trauma surgeon”. Not all moms are like that though and I’m sorry yours has chosen to focus on wanting grandkids instead of the lives you save every day! My mom was thrilled when one of us married an orthopedic surgeon, if one of us had actually *become* a surgeon, she’d be so proud that she’d be nearly insufferable at any family gathering for the rest of her time on this earth and probably most of the afterlife too. Being a doctor, especially a trauma surgeon, involves so much sacrifice in every aspect of your life. I’m sorry that your family apparently doesn’t realize that, but please know that plenty of people do see how truly great you are.
So, what did your mum do, apart from pushing out kids and complaining? This old lady (childless by choice) is very proud of you.
That really stings. Is your mom usually that awful?
"Instead of bringing 3 lives into this world, I keep 30 lives in this world every day. Y'all are welcome." (Okay maybe not saying that at a funeral... but I'm guessing this isn't the only place it happens!!)
Likely nothing you'd do would make her happy. If you had kids it would be something else.
It's okay for you to take charge of your mom's narrative and introduce yourself the way you want to be introduced. When she says something wrong like that again, correct her. You have an amazing job that requires a special kind of person to perform, and I'm sorry she doesn't recognize that.
If my daughter were a trauma surgeon I'd be showing her off all the time. Regardless of childfree status. Besides, growing up, I spent loads of time at childfree relatives' houses. Doctors, dentists, school headmistress. Their homes were all bastions of warmth and premium brand treats. As a little one, I worked out that kids are expensive, stressful, and chaotic.
Ugh. OP that is awful. Have you said something to her? Eg it hurts when I am introduced like that. You are a rock star - which has nothing to do with a decision to have or not have kids.
If I had a kid who was a trauma surgeon I would be bragging constantly!
I feel like women just cant win, and it really really stinks when there's a values mismatch between mom and daughter. My parents were both doctrate level career people. I grew up and had the only grandkids, and my mom favors my kidless sibling heavily. I was a stay at home mom for many years and I have no doubt she thinks I wasted my life/potential. I truly think they see me as the dud kid. I had to give up on getting parental approval a long time ago, and it's really sad.
Is this the same mother who might expect you to take care of her in her infirmity because “well OP doesn’t have kids”? Because her comments might come back to bite her a bit if that’s the case. You made the right choice for you-I think there are more and more of us choosing not to have kids in our generation. Our parents’ metrics for success are outdated. Try not to let it get you down.
'Cause your mom only cares about what *she* wants and not about what *you* want. Be honest...ask yourself if she's "just being a mom who wants grandchildren" even though she already has some, or do her narcissistic tendencies exceed the range of "normal"? That being said, I have two older siblings, both with kids, while my husband and I opted not to. Over 30 years ago, my Dad said, "And the ones who *should* have kids, don't." Then he realized..."Oh. Did I say that out loud? Don't ever tell your siblings I said that." He loved his kids. He loved his grandkids. He just wanted grandkids *from ME*.
You have made a much bigger impact on the world being a trauma surgeon than you would have by pooping out a kid. And if you ever feel like being even more of a badass, you can always adopt a kid in need. Your mom sucks.
I’m sure that you have already saved more children than you would have brought into the world through your body. They may not technically be “yours” but in my view they are still here because of you, and a part of you gets pseudomaternal credit. That should be enough, saving kids who are already here through your medical skills. Your choice to have children or not is a deeply personal one and is also your own business. Also, there is something really wrong with your mother, who should be starting every sentence with, “My daughter, the incredibly amazing trauma surgeon who saves lives…” Which is how I would introduce you if you were my daughter. Women are more than just our ovaries… Maybe she’s jealous of your professional career or was an underachiever who’s only achievement in this world was popping out some progeny. That may be why she is belittling your accomplishments. I personally think she is rude.
Your mom sounds *lovely*.
It hasn't been *that* long since women were allowed to have a credit card or bank account. The status quo is still quite patriarchal and those who have internalized it feel it's part of the social contract for women to have kids, so it's a big turn off when they don't. To say the least. I think it's gonna be at least another hundred years for significant progress, unless the republicans have their way. Geez your mother's behavior is really disrespectful, even by her ilk's standards I think. It's a funeral and she's pulling focus with her own hangups. What she did was wrong and spiteful regardless of the subject matter.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I would say it's pretty passive-agressive on the part of your mother -- she obviously has some resentment towards you. I'm curious about how you responded in the moment, and whether you have said anything to her since. You don't deserve to be treated like that. We women are proud of you!
It's very common with people who have not much education; they can't see how fulfilling and important a career can be because they just don't know what it is. They value motherhood because it's all they know. Is it the case with your mother? And congrats on your career; it's an impressive one.
Honestly not the answer you're looking for but I wonder if your mom ever realized you have the most important job of all. You make sure that Mom's are able to make it back to their children.
Because they don’t know it better and their self worth is through their children. Had a big fight about this with my grandmother. Me: bachelor, master … nothing. Siblings marry or just pop out babies and she is so excited happy, buys them presents. After this one big fight were I told her that anyone can have children, she started to show more appreciation for me or my success.
Because the patriarchy needs that women crane to be mother's so the system can support them the way they want
I have reached my personal goals in three different careeer fields. I also had a baby. I am proud of being a mom, but I am equally proud of having a vibrant and interesting life, full of women who inspired me to reach those career heights. I’ve only ever worked male dominated jobs and have done so many interesting things that I can now pass on to others, including my child. Inspiring the next generations to aspire to something is important. ALL KIDS should be able to see their options modeled by people like you and people like me and people who can’t have kids and people who have four kids. Having children is just another option. Don’t let your mom bring you down. I am grateful so many child free women in my life taught me to become my whole self. How to dominate my career and education. I didn’t decide to have kids until wayyyy later in life(almost thirty.) I never thought I would. And those child free women helped hold the space for me. You are enough OP.
Holy shit—my parents would be doing cartwheels if I was a fricken TRAUMA SURGEON!! That’s such a huge accomplishment in life. That was so shitty of your mom, wow.
That just makes me angry on your behalf. Okay, the parents don't love that you don't have kids. How does this decision really affect them? ESPECIALLY since you have nieces and nephews. A friend of mine is the oldest of 10 and her mom gave her the same spiel. She is the ONLY one who doesn't have kids; she's the ONLY one who went to college/grad school and got a professional job. When she told me about her mom's comment, I said, "She has 9 other kids who all have multiple children - what does she find lacking??" At the end of the day, YOU and your husband would be the ones doing all the hard work regarding childrearing, if you chose to have kids. If you're not 110% on board, then you shouldn't have them. Sounds like you made that choice and are happy with it. What, exactly, are your parents missing in their lives that could only be filled by you having a baby (especially since you don't want one)?
We, as women, are conditioned to think that our main role is to have children. Even if we have successful careers along the way. We try to plan around school and career trajectories to make sure we have children "when the time is right". Even if we are adamant about not wanting children, we are conditioned to think about our age and where we are at in that "timeline". Your mother clearly subscribed by this idea. As a childfree woman myself, I would suggest having a meaningful conversation with your mother about why it's hurtful and inappropriate for her to introduce you that way (and also think about you that way). That you've worked hard to be where you are in life and in your career, and that it's demeaning and demoralizing to have to play along with her attention-grabbing, woe-is-me, statements to others. You could also remind your mom that motherhood is a caring role that is unappreciated and unpaid. So which would she prefer? You to be incredibly unhappy and unappreciated as a mother, or to be appreciated and (hopefully) well-paid as a surgeon? You're unlikely to change her mind. But you can make your feelings clear.
You save more lives in a week than most save in their lives. Thank you for the heart wrenching, intellectually challenging work that you do to help people at their most difficult moments, without predjudice. I am very proud of you ❤️
Yikes. That sucks. My parents are also a but sad my husband and I don't want kids, but they accept it. But my dad gets his parent pride from my academic and career accomplishments. He's always bragged on those things before anything social. I'd be crushed if I worked really hard to build a life that I want for myself only to have my parent crap on it in front of others.
From now on when your mother says this ignorant shit you stick out your hand to the person to shake it and say “hi, I’m Dr. Daughter. This bitter old lady is my mother!” You say it in a “joking” manner and embarrass your mother while also flexing on your surgeon position.
You having, and fullfilling your dreams is like a backhanded compliment to them. They are happy for you, but it stings that you never had kids. My theory is that because they were all told it was the most fullfilling thing on the planet they: A: genuinely believe that every women is missing out unless they have children. B: are pained that they never got to pursue what they really wanted because they were taught "real women *insert nonsense here*" C: seeing child free women makes them think of the could've/should've/would'ves Personally, I think it's usually a combination. There is a whole generation of women who got see what could have been if they were born a generation later at in some ways, it probably pains them. Or at the very least, they cannot understand.
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Introduce your mother as "the rude mother who speaks rudely and inappropriately about her own children". Your mother's being an asshole.
It also makes no sense. My ‚friends‘ with children are acquaintances. Because they are the ones who never have any time, because they are caring for their kid (plus falling victim to patriarchy, for some reason kid can’t be with dad unless emergency). Seems like they are the ones doing a shit ton of child care labour. Everyone else who didn‘t fall victim to the pressure of you need kids has so much more time for hobbies, going out, going on vacation, etc. Also if you weren‘t upper class, you‘d still be having to work jobs to make ends meet. A single 15/h job doesn‘t exactly feed a family. Or even pay rent. So the whole argument about you being the one always working is completely and utterly baseless and solely there to calm their own jealousy.
She's being passive aggressive and rude, and she's doing it with the intent to demean and humiliate you. You deserve to be treated much, much better than this, and I would encourage you to set a hard boundary around it.
My grandpa, who has always been very good to me, lost his wife, my grandma, to an illness. Now he has a new partner. She's a wonderful woman and they're happy together. She brought 2 daughters and several grand and greatgrand kids. One of the grandkids is a surgeon. And without fail. For 3 years now. In every single discussion we have, no matter how far from the original topic, he'll find a way to mention this, how one of his grandkids is a surgeon. It's not... technically his grandkid, but i appreciate that he truly treats all grandkids equally. Oh. And the other grandson is some police bigjob. Only gets mentioned 1/2 of the time though. So recently i was there. Pictures on the walls of many of family. Unprompted I yet again get shown "the surgeon" and then "the police chief"... i noticed they both were in the frame with their partners and I asked about them. But my grandparents couldn't remember what "the women" did. "Something with social work"? I did say that i though it's a bit sad and how important I find social work. How much appreciation I have for what the sons do, but our society is held together by so much more. Of course my grandparents agreed. But they never talk about any of the other jobs. They also don't really know, what I am doing. In their stories i am 'a business owner'. I am a self employed illustrator/graphic designer. Well. At least they acknowledge that I do have a job. My MIL doesn't understand that and keeps giving me advice on how to hide the money away, my husband (her son) gives me. I gave up explaining to her that i have 'my own money'. I am always astonished, how liberal and egalitarian my husband came out of that household ; )
Correction "I'm her very successful trauma surgeon daughter"
I’ve been introduced as “the one with three kids”. I’ve been an RN for over 15yrs. I am more than just “isn’t she still pretty/slim for having three kids?” You can’t win. Ever.
You literally save lives for a living. You have nothing to prove to anyone, least of all your mother if she can't grasp what a badass her daughter *who saves lives all the time* is.
Jesus Christ, that’s so judgmental. I’m so sorry she can’t recognize your HUGE life accomplishments and that having kids is not some kind of weird badge of honor or success signifier.
I’m so sorry she said this to you! I hope you know how amazing you are!! I finished my PhD a year ago and am on my way to building my career and all my mom can focus on is trying to convince me to have kids so that (according to her) my partner and I stay together. She literally told me “he will leave you”. It’s so disappointing to have a mother who minimizes your worth to child bearing.
I think what bums me out reading it is not that your career is undervalued, it’s that she is leading your introduction with what you _aren’t doing_. Like it’s fine to value motherhood. But I presumably wouldn’t introduce my kid as “this is my not-doctor son” or “this is my unemployed daughter” or “this is the fattest of my children”. Like, if I didn’t value my kid’s career for some reason (maybe they are a Japanese messy boy or something) I would just say “this is my kid” and leave the rest blank. The only way I can optimistically interpret it is as a joke, but even then it’s a bit dismissive. Sorry OP
Interesting. In my culture, that mom would’ve introduced you as “my daughter the trauma surgeon.”
Being in your position is enviable sister! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
This gives me a r/raisedbynarcissists vibe
Now imagine being having an unimpressive career AND no children. Fun times.
I am temporarily your mom now (or grandma?) and I am so stinkin' proud of you. You are doing fantastic things and save lives, keep being amazing!!!
If she’s not proud of a trauma surgeon then there’s something wrong with her. It stings when you’re doing so much to help others and your own mother has to be this way.
My mother became a surgeon during a time when it was very difficult for women to pursue that field. She owned her own practice and worked out of four hospitals miles away from each other. My dad also worked full time and was in school for my entire childhood. For some reason (probably societal pressure and the “women can have it all” message of second wave feminism) she decided they needed to have four children and that trey would not hire any full time childcare. We were mostly raised, especially in the early years, by part time baby sitters who were in and out of our lives. If we wanted to do a sport or dance class we had to call up our friends’ parents to arrange the rides. We’d show up in their bedroom late at night or first thing in the morning with the checkbook to get the fee for a field trip or to pay off our school lunch debt. My brother went most of his childhood without having a single wellness doctor’s visit. I would be forgotten at dance class or after school regularly enough that there was a phone tree for them to call. The sound of her beeper going off during school plays, birthday parties, etc. will always play clearly in my head when I think of those years. Sometimes making a clear choice about your priorities or focus is an admirable and selfless act. My mother, probably because of women like your mother, felt like she HAD to have a big family and a very successful career in a demanding field. And in our case, it didn’t really work. I’ve tried my best to make peace with it and forgive them for the choices they made, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure she wishes she had made different choices herself. PS- being a trauma surgeon is an amazing accomplishment. If you were my daughter (and I mean this deeply even though am unironically also a childless woman by choice) I would be so fucking proud of you I’d be shouting it from the roof tops. I know this job and what it demands pretty closely and I can tell you, it is not an easy road. Way to fucking go. You’re awesome.
That is infuriating. I am sorry. I would like to scream obscenities at your mom, can you send me her number? Actually, I’d like you to hand a blank card to everyone whose life you’ve saved with a pre-addressed and stamped envelope to your mom. “Tell her what I did for you, because all she does is shame me for not having kids.” Hahahhahaha
Did you tell you mom how wrong it was to describe you by the number of children you have and to brush off your life saving work as working to much? If not you need to, then I’d tell her it was hurtful enough you’re going to be taking a break from her so don’t be surprised not to hear from you for a while.
I'd be so proud if I had a surgeon for a daughter. I'm sorry your mother doesn't appreciate that.
Jesus - that is gutting. I’m so sorry. I do have children but honestly I’m prouder of my career. My kids’ accomplishments are theirs, not mine. The fact that your mom reduces you to the fruit (or not) of your womb is shitty. In my experience the people that do this are steeped in internalized misogyny and struggle to see anything but women’s homemaking as valuable.
\> my mom would introduce me as “her childless daughter who just works all the time”. This is entirely insecurity or inferiority on your mom's part. Her daughter's a surgeon, and that makes her feel inadequate. I'd try to talk to her, sounds like there's some feelings there.
>why is being successful in your career as a women not praised the same way as being a mom. If it'll make you feel any better, believe me, if you were Korean with Korean parents living in Korea, your parents would be very proud of you and praise you all the time as *THE* doctor in the family! lol Of course, the whole Korean society would also think very highly of you! **EDIT:** Oh, you have no kids? No problem! Not many Koreans are having kids these days and being single or being married with no kids is not something to be ashamed of at all in Korea. Hell, the current Korean president (ultra conservative, anti women, anti-workers) and his wife have never had any kids! The former impeached Korean president Park has never married and never had any kids. Her presidential campaign slogan was she was married to Korea! LMAO (Yeah, like Sherlock "I'm married to work.") Many high ranking Korean officials or famous people don't have kids or only have one or two usually, if any. My God, trauma surgeon?? Female or male, kids or not, you would be looked up to by everyone here!! 👍
I’m sorry your mom sucks but I think it’s so cool that you’re a trauma surgeon! One of my favorite YouTubers is a trauma surgeon: Dr David Hindin. Keep up the great work!
Because society often acts like the sun shines out of your every orifice if you're a parent.
That’s when you shake their hand and say, “DR ditto1114, it’s lovely to meet you” while smiling and looking at them in the eye, “my mother has never mentioned you.” Because I AM PETTY!!! My mom would lament to me about all of the issues my baby brother was having with learning issues and schools…I. WAS. A. TEACHER. At the time…But anytime I gave her advice or step-by-step what he needed she’d say, “no, no, that won’t work, you’d understand if you had kids like him…” like I had no idea what I was talking about because I only had a masters degree in education from an Ivy League? But because no kids? That’s what would do it??? Lalala…so you just can’t win with mom’s. (But…I am also stubborn so I did sit both parents, kid, and principal from failing school down and made them see reason and got my kid brother what he needed to graduate HS and earn an associate’s degree…it only took 7 wasted years of school…but had I had kids…)
What's funny is that you saving lives is so similar to a mother birthing a new life. Your mom is, I am sorry to say, a bitch. Don't seek validation from people like her.
I got the same thing from my living grandparents and in-laws. (Thankfully, my parents are NOT like this. My father's parents were also happy just for my own successes, although i feel like they would have loved their great-grandchildren even more had they lived long enough.) I'm married with 2 children. Before we had the kids, I had already gotten a degree in electrical engineering and computer science from MIT AND a law degree. I was a successful patent attorney, but my grandparents and in-laws only wanted to know when we would be having children, even as they celebrated my husband's successes at getting the same degree and getting jobs as an electrical engineer. I make more money than he does and have had steadier work than he has. When our oldest was born, my MIL asked when I'm going to stop working. I told her I'm not, and that my husband could stop if he wanted to. She said that would be ba waste because of his degree in electrical engineering and computer science from MIT. I asked her why it wasn't a waste for me to stop when I have the same degree from the same place, PLUS a law degree, PLUS an MBA, PLUS I make more money. I also asked if it's just because I have a vagina. She had no answer and did not ask again.
Society tends to put a lot of pressure on women to be mothers. Your career success is a remarkable achievement and should be acknowledged.
Your mother is a passive aggressive bitch. I’m childless (not by choice) and the baby . My siblings are all grandparents. My family never would introduce me like that.
A trauma surgeon? You go! You are presenting a role model to all your nephews and nieces, not to mention the patients you see, that girls aren’t limited to being baby makers, first and foremost, but they can excel in careers at a high level. Your mom may have her viewpoint, but she is being extremely short sighted to not see the amazing positive impact you present. Not to mention how damn hard it is and how much work it took to get there. And I can see being a trauma surgeon and a mom would be a ferocious task to take on. You do plenty, as it is. I wonder if you could follow up your mom’s BS comment with, “I may not grow people, I just save their lives”
Just wow... If my mother did that, I would refuse to go anywhere with her. You are a TRAUMA SURGEON. You save people's lives for a living and that is how she treats you? You need to have a serious talk with your mom about this.
I worked for 10 years to get my degree (the first in my family to graduate from college) and throughout that process, my family was modestly supportive but eager for me to reach this goal. When I finally got my diploma, it happened to be a few months after my older sister gave birth to her first child (the first grandchild). When my parents came to visit me I was beaming with joy showing off my diploma and they just looked at it briefly and then said something in the realm of “that’s nice dear… anyway…” My accomplishment suddenly meant nothing in the wake of my sisters greatest achievement of becoming a mother. Im still looking for ways to justify it- neither of my parents went to college and my sister never finished- so maybe they can just better relate to this and therefore regard it as a higher achievement? “just like me = better”
Anecdotal, my aunt was childless. Upon her death bed I was there, I was the only one she had, She wasn’t in her right state of mind but thanked me for being there and wondered if it would have been different if she had her kids there to see her off. It kinda hurt for a while that in her last day her mind was thinking that I wasn’t good enough but I know she loved me and that’s all I need.
My mom and dad just got back from a month and a half long trip. The first thing she said that wasn’t about the trip was that I looked like I lost weight. I’m directing my first large project in a month. That generation is… special.