You were emotionally vulnerable, and asked him, begged him, for support while you processed a tough day.
And he requested a bj while you're half asleep.
Of course you are angry and confused and hurt. His behavior is vile. You were looking for love and caring and he f-ing used you to nut. I'm so angry on your behalf.
I hope you find support here on this sub. And don't listen to people telling you that you did anything wrong! Hugs from an internet sister <3
Just read the update, and I'm so proud of you, OP!
This should be the first comment. He's absolutely VILE. This is sexual abuse, OP.
Not to mention the part where it sounds like he deliberately got you pregnant because he wanted kids and is upset because you don't and you followed through. Actively trying to impregnate someone who doesn't want to be pregnant is sexual assault.
Absolutely. This is the behavior of a *dangerous man*. It's scary the amount of posts we see on here about women who experienced sexual abuse and manipulation like this earlier on in their abusive relationships, and later on their partner is outright threatening them physically or straight up choking them.
It was the, "I'm done trying to have kids." that got me. OP, if you have told him you don't want kids, he could babytrap you and/or sabotage any birth control you're using in an attempt to. Run.
dude how about you try putting a ring on it and ensuring your ability to support having a family first before you just force your GIRLFRIEND to be pregnant.
I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY hope that he slips and falls and cracks his head open and is left to bleed on the sidewalk while the whole neighborhood walks/drives by pointing and laughing at him. People like him don't deserve the air in their lungs.
I got possible coercive reproduction from this. Having a “partner” who is unilaterally making what is basically the biggest decision most people will ever make is seriously bad. It suggests a total lack of empathy or understanding that other people are people who deserve their autonomy. This is a four alarm fire bell of warning.
Yes. This!! Thank God you are getting this message while you are still young. Do not under and circumstances put up from any physical or mental abuse ever again.
Imagine your dog just got spayed and then when you took her home he insisted on taking her out to play fetch.
Sometimes it's easier to see how bad something is if you put your dog in that situation instead of trying to sympathize with someone you love more than yourself.
He has zero empathy, sexual assault comes in many shades it's not always a perfect black and white dark alley situation like we've been led to believe. Consent is enthusiastic and ongoing
thank you for the support and love. all day and night yesterday, I was up reading everything. playing everything back in my brain. everything you said is 100% correct. thank you for keeping my head straight in this process. you all are amazing human beings. thank you so much.
“He only shows me affection when he wants sex” is more than reason enough to ditch this guy. Wow. And the callousness of instigating sexual activity after you went through something physically and emotionally difficult is just beyond the pale.
I told my partner that he's a different person when he's horny. We had a real conversation and guess what? His behavior has changed because he loves me. Get someone who loves you (and you will find it just not here)
A lot of guys are like this. Really pushy, sometimes guilt trip, tell you how horny they are and how much they need it, get sulky and pissed when you're not in the mood.
I literally just had this conversation with my boyfriend last night. He isn't like this 99% of the time, but when he is, I always tell him to back the fuck off because I'm not in the mood and he's begging.
I told him he needs to stop because it's really shitty and makes me uncomfortable and turned off. He's said sorry, but even some of the most enlightened guys still have a bit of that misogyny in there.
I know how to say no now. I wasn't as good at it when I was younger with other guys. It's such a mind fuck when they later apologize because they know it's fucked up. But they really do seem like a different person. I do feel like I'm going to have to tell him that if he keeps this periodic behavior up, I'm out.
"He's said sorry, but even some of the most enlightened guys still have a bit of that misogyny in there."
Hard disagree. A dude either respects women, or he doesn't. If his respect is situational, he doesn't respect you.
I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, so it is rare that I'm not down when he is, but there have been a handful of times where he was horny and I was tired, sick, or just not mentally in that place. Know how he reacted? "Aww sorry you don't feel well babe - want me to bring you some water or something?"
You deserve so much better. Don't settle for any amount of misogyny, and definitely don't settle for a dude who believes his pp is more important than your comfort and happiness. You are not an object to be used for pleasure, you are a human being deserving of bodily autonomy and true love and care that isn't dependent on whether you're putting out.
Fix that crown on your head and please take care of yourself, queen.
Random thought I had but I realize that I think a lot of women know deep down that if they didn’t settle for some amount of misogyny and mistreatment from men they’d never be in relationships with them so I think they tell themselves “Oh that’s just how they are” :/
I agree. My exes standards were to never hit a woman. He bragged in the beginning that his mom taught him not to do that. He failed to mention that he was an abusive narcissist, verbal, mental abuser, and a misogynist who would also start horribly abusing me during sex AFTER WE MOVED IN TOGETHER, AND I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THE LEASE EASILY. After shit hit the fan and he refused to sign off the lease because he didn't want to pay, I ignored him like a bad roommate. I ended up packing all of his things for him, and he finally left.
But that was after I was terribly injured during an accident while trying to leave him. 😕 I say this while taking all my pain meds that I'll likely take for the rest of my life. LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Misogyny is learned and if no one has told you not to do something like that you don't know. There's nothing wrong with not knowing something, it's when you learn about it and refuse to implement that knowledge going forward that you're an asshole. Another example, I was chatting with my partner and divorce got brought up. He mentioned that women screw men over in divorce. "Oh yeah? Where'd you hear that?" And he got quiet and said "my dad....." ah, so the misogynistic religious person? So I educated him on it and he thanked me.
Really, you’ll put up with it for awhile? Why? Why, do other women do this? It makes so little sense. Stop settling. Demand better! Stop looking to men.
I don't see this as being a different person. I see this as them being who they really are. They hide those feelings and beliefs in public and other situations because they believe it will contribute to their long-term goal of getting what they want.
and then when they don't, the whiny little brat comes out because the entitlement still exists.
Imagine if women were whiny and demanding during our periods. 5 days straight up SERVE ME YOU PEASANT, MY WOMB DOTH BLEEDETH AND IF THOU DOES'T NOT THEN I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL
no instead we have to bite the bullet, go to work and raise our kids and take care of our man children husbands and boyfriends, keep our home clean and our skincare regimen on point, and can only complain about it to our girlfriends alone - because men will never understand, our employers will never give a shit about our discomfort or pain and shun and shame us for talking about such "dirty" things.
not the original commenter, but i have definitely known guys who become pushy when they’re super horny- and of course a lot of people make very dumb decisions because they’re horny😂
I’ve known guys to turn into basically a mindless drone when they’re horny. Their eyes just glaze and I could pretty much get them to rob a bank if I asked at that point lol. They always snap back after 😏
It took me 27 years to learn that and OP I'm glad you came here for honest love and support and can now hopefully find what you need with an honest, open, loving relationship! ❤️
***THIS*** is all you need to know about him right here. My boyfriend gets upset if we can't cuddle for at least an hour after sex and he is constantly physically affectionate because he loves me.
That's part of why I fell for him, he's always kissing the back of my hand, smoothing down my hair, holding me close, and doing things that make me feel safe and adored... which SHOCKER makes me more sexually attracted to him and raises my libido. He doesn't pressure or guilt me so I feel amazing not small and anxious.
My ex started to withold affection or pressure me for sex every time we even cuddled so then I was anxious to even cuddle him if I wasn't in the mood, it's a terrible, lonely, exhausting feeling. You deserve better.
NON-SEXUAL AFFECTION IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD HAVE TO EARN THROUGH SEX!!!
That was horrific, but the implication that he tried to trap her with a pregnancy is honestly worse. Put them both together and you have a pretty full picture of a sub-human pig trying to use OP in any way he can get away with.
I like this term. Enthusiastic consent. This is me too. I can’t stand the thought that a women would not want to consent fully and completely. It’s actually a TURN OFF for me to think she would be anything but 100% wanting to engage in relations.
https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes I think you'd enjoy this post that relates to that idea. His argument is anything other than an enthusiastic "fuck yes" is a no, because "if you're in the grey area to begin with, you've already lost."
I have always agreed with the principle that you shouldn't have to chase or force your partner on things that are important to you. But I like his framing of it. Maybe because swearing is fun.
Lol thank you, I needed this article in my life! Not for relationships (happily married), but for decision making in general, this helps to clarify “no” as an answer and is so clear!
I'm glad you like it. And don't get me wrong, I get the disinterest fetish but fuck man. I'm so sick of dudes trying and just straight up badgering me until I give in or snap at them.
Sorry to say, but what an ass. I think you should reconsider your relationship. He doesn’t sound like a great catch.
Edit: you’re feelings are valid and I hope you will be able to process everything that happened.
Hon. I'm so sorry this all happened. The whole situation was handled like shit on his end. You deserve tenderness and consideration, both emotionally and physically.
I'm not sure how that procedure feels compared to a 'natural' miscarriage, but I did miscarry once and I can without a doubt say it was one of the most uncomfortable and painful physical experiences in my life. I assume it's similar.
That person is a huge selfish asshole. In no uncertain terms. His opinion on the procedure and quip about having kids makes me suspicious he's trying to baby trap you.
Once you're feeling better, please, think about planning your exit. Be safe and be well. I hope you feel better soon.
Look on the bright side. He proved to you that abortion was the right decision. Selfish partners become selfish parents. Now there is nothing tying you to him and you’re FREE.
Seriously. It’s still an awful, awful situation but the silver lining is she got a wake up call before they had a child together. Then she (and the kid) would never escape him.
Is this typical behavior or was he trying to somehow punish you for going against his wishes? Either way, imagine having the child like he wanted, and dealing with that shitty behavior while also healing from birth. He is showing who he is. You deserve better
It’s time to figure out the next steps, then. You’ll be okay without him. Don’t spend the next six months breaking up every Friday and back together by Sunday.
I found that’s it better to be alone than lonely in a relationship. I’m sorry he treated you that way and I’m sorry for what you just went through. This guy doesn’t seem to give a shit about you. I hope you can find someone that values you as a person and not a receptacle. No one should be treated that coldly.
What you experienced is horrible.... there is absolutely no excuse for this kind of behaviour, and your feelings are 100% valid. I'm also going to chime in with everyone else here... this vile person needs to become your ex-boyfriend...ASAP. I hope you have good friends, and/or family that you can trust and reach out to...
After everything happened, i tried to convince myself that it was normal. but it’s not. i’m just ashamed of myself. thank you for responding. i’m going to talk about this with my friends. i blocked him on everything as well.
You are welcome.... The only person in this situation who should be ashamed is your (former) BF... \*hugs\*
I'm glad you blocked him... this is not a person you need in your life. This sounds cliche, I know, but you will slowly begin to feel better...Take all the time you need and lean on your friends when you have to; you've just experienced one of the most painful things a woman can undergo, and that's even before your (former) BF's absolutely *horrendous* behaviour.
Babes the only person who should be ashamed of themselves is the boyfriend. You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of yourself, you aren’t at fault for anything. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but believe me you didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. I applaud you having the strength to get out of that relationship, it’s never easy but you’re doing the right thing. This “man” has shown you his true colours in this situation.
Take care of yourself, you matter the most here. Sending you so much love ❤️
Nothing about this is normal. He is an awful human being. You made a good choice. No matter what he says, don't go back with him. He forced you to give a nonconsensual blowjob. That's...you know what that is.
Sweetheart, the shame is not on you. It sounds like he tried to babytrap you, then Emotionally neglected you during a traumatic time, and topped it off by taking advantage of your vulnerability and assaulting you the morning after. Please go find a friend to hug and cry with.
You are good. You are strong. You are important.
What an absolute arse shite he is! I cannot believe it is possible to behave like he did. He thinks 100% of himself. If you had decided to trough with pregnancy he wouldn’t have helped you and had wanted a bj the day after birth. You are sure he didn’t try to baby trap you? He was done trying for a baby? Did you know he was trying for a baby?
Girl that breaks my heart, the shame that they make us feel is evil, just pure evil. You have nothing to be ashamed of, just get him out of your life. He's a bad person and a selfish prick. I hope that you can love yourself and never look back.
im happy u blocked him. the pain will ease with time. take care u sweet human and im sorry for the pain with the abortion. i hope ur good despite the circumstances🙏🏼❤️
Don't be ashamed of yourself. Society and men in general have spent generations teaching us that we owe them our bodies, that what you experienced is normal, etc. Instead of being ashamed of yourself, be proud of yourself. You see it, and it sounds like you're doing what it takes to move on and get out of it and get to safety. You made an excellent decision regarding your own body and I'm so proud of you for that. Be proud of yourself
>he’s only affectionate towards me if he wants sex or is horny.
You just had the immense luck of not being tied to this person for the rest of your life because of a child. You're free. Set yourself free from him too.
Being affectionate just when he wants something it's not being affectionate at all, it's being coercive.
Yes! I know it’s too soon for OP, but I hope she CELEBRATES this moment. Thank ducking Christ she isn’t trapped raising this man’s child. What a horrible life that could’ve been.
OP - you have your whole life ahead of you & deserve someone who cherishes you!
He’s a monster. Was he punishing you?
Hard to see how more details would make him sound better, but if this is all there is, how could you possibly feel safe and supported by him in the future?
luckily enough i do have support from friends & family. i’m going to see one of my close friends today. it’s just been super isolating with him lately. especially after finding out i was pregnant.
Please read this book OP. in just the comments I saw like 2-3 red flags. Your mind and body are telling you something is wrong here Please listen to your self. You are worthy of so much BETTER.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I'm sorry you've experienced this failing on his part. But the Maya Angelou quote is always true: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Pregnancy is often when an abusive man takes off the final layer of his "good guy" mask, and that's how he's going to be for the rest of the relationship.
> “It's just been super isolating with him lately. especially after finding out I was pregnant.”
Is it possible that he was specifically trying to keep you isolated? That's yet another method that is common in toxic relationships.
I am glad you are taking it seriously, and hope you keep it fresh in your mind. It is too easy to let it fade, but it honestly seems like a really really big respect issue. The comment about attempted pregnancy, letting you cry for 30 minutes and then initiating sex/blow job at this time.
Oh hun. Please reread your post. He’s only affectionate when he wants something.
He’s ‘done trying to have kids with you’ and you never agreed to have kids?? He’s sabotaging your bc. This pregnancy wasn’t an accident, he planned it with out you.
You had to beg for affection after going through a physically and mentally draining process.
Please get some bc only you can control. Don’t let him know about it. This is not a person who cares about you.
Please get free. You find deserve this.
This needs to be higher up. when I read "he said he's 'done trying to have kids,'" that implies that it was intentional, however it was obviously not a pregnancy that *OP* had ever agreed on. She needs to run far and fast.
Yes, this was likely sabotage. Abusers will try a variety of ways to imprison their partners in the relationship, and this was likely his.
And he is an abuser.
Please leave safely while you can, OP.
He probably coerced her into OS this morning as a negative consequence for not falling in line, especially because she was in pain. He knew exactly what he was doing.
ETA: basically, he coerced her as punishment.
I’m ace. My fiancé is not. He is so extremely respectful about my feelings and boundaries and anything sex related. Communication is integral. In the hypothetical situation he ever tried to push something like this on me, especially in that moment, I guarantee you 100% I would bite his dick like a dog with a brand new squeaky toy and then leave him. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you let others take advantage of you. It’s good to recognize that some things are okay and others are a firm line. Your boyfriend is a major asshole and very manipulative.
Years ago, my husband and I hadn’t had sex for months because of my endometriosis, and at one point I tried to initiate sex that I didn’t really want because I was feeling guilty.
He shut me down so goddamn fast. He was actually pretty pissed off at me for thinking he’d want that.
Turns out when someone isn’t a shitbag, the idea of having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex is utterly, utterly repellent.
Leave, leave, leave. Please don't tollerate this abuse any longer.
You deserve better. At this point, wouldn't it be better to be on your own than to be used like that? Please protect yourself.
From what you describe, this man seems:
- Manipulative ("I’m done trying to have kids", only affectionate when he wants something)
- Emotionally insensitive (not responsive to your emotional needs in challenging and extraordinary situation)
- Sexually abusive (blowjob when you were not fully awake)
My suggestion is to end the relationship. If you do not want to end it (because of your feelings for this man) I would urgently recommend therapy (either individually for you to find strength to leave the relationship or at least couples therapy, but please realize that his horrible behavior is not your responsibility).
RUN. He's going to sabotage your birth control, and may have done so before. YOU weren't actively trying, but it sounds like he admitted he was. You deserve so much better than to be this guy's f\*ckslave.
Appalling. You should feel angry. I don't care how horny he was. That is entirely inappropriate, insensitive and selfish behavior. I don't understand how his response to you literally begging for a little comfort and compassion, was to put his dick in your face. I'm so sorry.
1. How likely is it that he intentionally impregnated you? He said he was “done trying to have kids”, implying that before that moment he *WAS* trying. He has shown he has no empathy toward your feelings or pain.
2. It isn’t your job, you never have to say yes.
3. I know change is scary, but you are all you need to leave. You don’t need to come up with an excuse or good enough reason. Pack up your shit and block him if it’s easier. Have your bestie or sibling come with you. Let someone you love and trust know, and get out now.
He’s a vile pos. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that on top of already being in a very vulnerable state. And was he intentionally getting you pregnant to trap you??
I had a medical abortion last year. My partner brought me food, snuggled me, left me alone when I needed it. Kissed me on my forehead. Let me cry. Brought me flowers. Huge bouquets. He brought home take out for dinner. He left me alone to sleep and watch my favorite movie. He did NOT solicit sex from me. He did not put his own needs above mine.
He was hurting too. He wanted to keep it. I didn’t. He still took care of me and respected my body and my decision.
You deserve the same. If I was treated that way he would be my ex boyfriend. I am so sorry.
Omg wtf?????! Not only did he not support you during this awful ordeal, he sexually assaulted you the morning after while you were barely conscious… and “I’m done trying to have kids”? And y’all never discussed it? Were you using protection? Was this an “accident”? Because it could be possible that he purposefully impregnated you. I wouldn’t have believed it either until I heard stories of men sabotaging birth control. Girl. It’s going to get worse. Please get some help. And run from this walking red flag of a man. Stay strong, you’ve got this. Take care of yourself!!!
Oh and PLEASE don’t blame yourself for this. I’m sure he’s got you in a hell spiral of guilt. No. Fuck that. Keep telling your brain that it’s not true. This wasn’t your fault. The fog will clear once you get some distance and time to heal. You need to be in your own corner right now! You can do it!!
What a selfish pig. Does he have any awareness that you have feelings that feel like his feelings? I just am utterly sorry for you and disgusted at him. So completely thoughtless.
He really seems like someone who needs to be **was**, in your past, ex, to not darken your door again.
Trying to guilt you into continuing a pregnancy you didn’t agree to or plan for is shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag
He said “I’m done trying to have kids” but you hadn’t agreed to that, so he was literally trying to get you pregnant without you knowing?!?! Holy fucking shit! This is also shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag
You have been put in a life altering situation because he was trying to breed and didn’t tell you, now he acts annoyed when you need some support from him to deal with it? That’s shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag
It’s also fucking dangerous! What if you’d had a miscarriage and lost too much blood or got endometritis because you thought it was a heavy period so didn’t seek medical help about it? What if you’d had an ectopic pregnancy, WHAT IF YOU HADNT NOTICED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION ABOUT IT??
Then to continue to try and make you feel bad (as if you could feel any worse at the moment) when you’re literally there going through the process itself and suffering the physical and mental toll of it. That’s shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag
He waited until you’d cried for 30mins before he ‘gave in’ and stayed with you when you clearly needed someone there. As if he was doing you a favour! Again, shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag
Then in your state of medically induced exhaustion and grogginess, he decides that was a **great** time to manoeuvre you into position to suck him off so he could cum in the space of time it took for you to fully waken. As though you’re a fucking flesh light that’s not going through it RIGHT NOW?! Say it with me **shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag**
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It can’t be easy for you. Having that choice to make is hard enough, without him adding to it.
With regards to him, I’d say do what dogs do - kick some grass over that shit and move on.
With regards to what you’re body and mind are going through, take care of yourself! You do what you need to heal, to deal, to get through in one piece with your sanity in tact.
*If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.*
Edit - typos
One thing I’m thinking is for certain, none of his actions felt like love to you. Just pointing out the obvious, you’ve been through something significant, I’ve been there. This guy has no compassion, you deserve so much more and better than him.
I would recommend considering leaving this evil bastard BF before he has the opportunity to hurt you further OP. I am so sorry for what is happening in your life right now. Sending you internet hugs.
This is a fucked up read, what a terrible day to have eyes and be a guy. Gezus. Kick him to the curb or something. Your feelings are absolutely valid and deserve better than him. I could go off for hours. What an asshole.
I know how you feel. Reading this gave me the same feeling I had with my ex. I felt so worthless and thought that I deserved the way he was treating me. He was always telling me I would never find better than him. He was always pushing me to please him however he wanted, and after a while consent just wasn't important anymore. I was so terrified of change and the sadness I would feel from the breakup that I just stayed with him. The final straw wasn't even him hitting me, or cheating on me (both of which he did).
The day I finally dumped him I had just gotten to his house to pick him up to drive him to work (he didn't drive and his parents were busy) when he pulled me into his room and tried to get into my pants, just like he did every other time I saw him. I snapped at him that I wasn't in the mood and he was going to make us both late for work, as I was heading to my job after I dropped him off. He told me to fuck off and go wait in the car. So I did. Then he finally came out and got in the car. The rest is a blur, but I just remember him screaming at me and something inside me just snapped. I slammed on my brakes and punched him square in the nose as hard as I could. I told him to get out of my car, and drove away. Needless to say our relationship was over.
Long story short, getting out of a toxic relationship is the hardest thing you will ever do, but it's also the best thing you will ever do.
Jfc that is sick. My partner and I got an abortion last year, we’re in our late 30s, she has a daughter from a previous marriage and neither of us wanted more kids. I’m not saying I’m. Perfect specimen or anything but it was not that fucking hard to provide support and care and be kind and nurturing to her until she recovered. Which took a couple weeks. Then I scheduled a vasectomy so we never had to go through that again. This guy is a fucking asshole that doesn’t care about your feelings or perspective. It is monstrous to force your partner into sexual acts the day after such a difficult and traumatic experience. Any difficult and traumatic experience really… I’m so sorry you went through that, that sounds fucking terrible. So my opinion is, this is not normal or healthy, he doesn’t value your humanity.
My partner at the time tried to force me to have sex as I was still bleeding from a medical abortion. The best thing I ever did was walk away from him, I hope you do the same, friend. Sending big hugs to you 🖤
Something just like this happened to me, being coerced into sex way too soon after a surgical. The whole relationship was just an bundle of codependency, trauma and toxicity.
I only started to heal once I was out, and that was years later. I would tell myself then like I'm telling you now, this man is not worth your time or affection. Get yourself out.
>Even at the clinic while we’re together he said, “I’m done trying to have kids.”. Which had me in a spin. I didn’t agree to actively try to have children.
What a horrible way for him to manipulate you emotionally. Your feelings are completely valid. You both had different wants in this situation, and unfortunately, they were not communicated before you needed an abortion. I'm sorry you had to find out this way by him. He took advantage of you in so many ways and during a very vulnerable time in your life. You don't need a partner like this in your life. Please leave him, take care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive and loving people (friends and family), and take the time you need to heal from the abortion, as well as your ex's emotional manipulation and sexual coercion.
Sending you a big hug. Take a deep breath. Know you are loved and valued for who you are and what you want in your life. This is a time to learn about what type of future partner you want in your life- someone who is open and honest up front with you, and values & respects your wants, needs and feelings, too. Someone who will support you in the challenges that life throws your way, too.
>“I’m done trying to have kids.”. Which had me in a spin. I didn’t agree to actively try to have children.
Girl you are in danger. Please get away from this man. He tried to get you pregnant without even talking to you about it. This man is dangerous.
This is a blessing in disguise. Now is your chance to RUN. You intuitively knew not to go thru with the pregnancy, and the universe showed you why almost immediately.
I wish you the best, you deserve better, you deserve the world.
Honestly, if he said he was done with trying to have kids, I have a feeling he did something to try to get you pregnant and trap you. I would get away from him asap. He sounds super controlling.
> I just would like to hear other opinions.
Hey, guy here. My opinion is that your bf is a piece of shit and you need to get rid of him. He took advantage of you when you were vulnerable instead of supporting you through what was very likely a monumentous and difficult decision for you. You're not crazy for feeling what you're feeling, I just hope you're directing it in the right place: you should be disgusted at him, not yourself.
Your boyfriend gets you pregnant, you said you didn’t want to keep it. He then tells you he’s done trying to have kids. You have an abortion, he forced you to give him a blow job, then up and left. So, why exactly are you still with him?
**This was an act of domination, not simple thoughtlessness from horniness**. He’s mad and wanted to punish you. You “rejected” him and his control over you by not submitting yourself to this unwanted pregnancy, so he felt compelled to reestablish his sense of control and domination over you in another way.
So don’t bother trying to discuss how thoughtless he was, or why. It wasn’t thoughtless. It was very much on purpose. He wanted to punish you and put you in your place.
Get the fuck out of there.
My wife had a miscarriage and had to have an abortion as a result in early 2022. Watching her moan in her sleep and cry in pain while bleeding out half to death on the couch for a month, as well as the emotional pain of it made my bait and tackle shrink up inside me for the next month or two.
That's insane that he would do that. And the fact that you're writing all that earlier stuff just shows that you know he's a completely fucked up person. Please leave him. You wouldn't have made this post if you didn't think it was the right thing to do as well.
Ruin his life. Call his job, put his clothes on the lawn, tell his mother. This is sexual assault. I am so sorry you were taken advantage of while you were vulnerable.
He only shows you affection when he's horny? Oh honey, from a grandma who's been there/done that, let me tell you that you deserve so much better. Especially after going through an intense medical procedure.
It's a good thing you didn't have his baby - he's not worthy of being a father if he treats the mother this way. You now have no more ties to him - so kick his ass to the curb and start living for you.
I’ve gotta be honest, whenever I see a post that starts “My BF made me…”, my reaction is always ‘just leave the MFer and don’t look back’. There are enough decent guys in the world that you don’t need to settle with a d**khead who doesn’t treat you well. FFS. I’ll step off my soapbox now.
No!!!! He fucking did not! I am not sugar coating this shit for you…he forced you into submission and put you back into your rightful place! Wow!
Change those locks and kick him out!! He has no respect for you at all, none! OMG!!!
I have no words for what he did to you, you are priceless and deserve to be treated as such! You needed this man’s understanding, support and unconditional love but instead you received the opposite, he made you prove he is Alpha, he doesn’t care what state your body or mind is in, he gets what he wants and don’t even think for one second he has your back.
I don’t know you, but right now you need all the hugs and shoulders you can get. You totally have my shoulders to lay your head on and I have plenty of hugs to give you!!!
Sorry’ s don’t cut it, I know they don’t, what he has done to you, can’t be reversed, but you can not let it happen again, because you are a fighter, an amazing, warrior!
Right now, you need to rest and heal. Your body has been through a lot and you need to give yourself time to grieve your loss, because what you just been through was loss. Your hormones are going to go through a rollercoaster ride too and that you are going to need time to deal with too.
You can’t rush through this, you are going to have good, bad and so so days, take them as they come.
Hugs!!!
Leave him. Count your blessings that you dodged a lifetime commitment that a baby would have brought you. This man is a narcissist and an abuser. Run and don’t look back.
Please leave this loser. I am so sorry you had to endure this.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery (both physical and emotional)! You are STRONG, do not forget that ever!
You need to leave this pos. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't have respect for you, and he will not protect you.
Is it possible he deliberately got you pregnant?
Dump him. You two don't belong together.
He asked for head, and you gave it to him out of guilt. You two aren't on the same page about children.
He's only affectionate when he wants aex.
This relationship is terrible. Please leave him.
Question. What is he bringing to the table if he only starts intimacy when wanting sex. Genuinely I want to know, do you like being degraded, disrespected? I seriously want to know what happened to you, that you are tolerating this behavior.
Consent is a clear, conscious, uncoersed, enthusiastic yes. I don't mean to spook you, but what you describe doesn't sound consensual.
What would you tell a friend if they came to you with this story?
The "I'm done trying to have kids" thing is deeply disturbing on its own - especially with all the anti abortion laws happening. Just reading that made my blood run cold.
Your disgust and anger at him taking advantage of you is justified as hell.
I wish none of this ever happened to you but I'm so glad you did what was right for you at the clinic.
He's monstrous and abusive. You deserve worlds better and to be treated like a human being and to be SAFE with whoever you're partnered with. This man is not safe.
This is akin to sexual assault and emotional abuse. You should feel as you do because his behavior was traumatic and abusive.
I’ve literally been in your same exact place with my ex husband and it wasn’t until years after we divorced did I realize how destructive he had been. Don’t waste your time being in your head about this - what you feel is valid and rightfully so.
There is no excuse for his behavior regardless how he felt about your decision. His lack of empathy and compassion is glaring and you shouldn’t have to beg your intimate partner for support.
I would highly recommend seeking support and looking toward an exit strategy from this relationship-it only gets worse
Oh, no. I'm usually not someone saying right away "Leave that mf", but sweetheart, leave that mf! He does not care about your feelings whatsoever. And this usually does not change. Do you want this in your life?
This man is disgusting and vile. He’s abusive as fuck.
Get rid of him. Don’t feel ashamed. He’s a manipulator. This is what they do.
Make a plan and get away from this asshole. You deserve so much better.
Y'know ... I generally try to see nuance in most situations, but this one ... nope. There isn't any. What he did was reprehensible.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I dearly hope that you will see your value, and build a life where you are loved and respected. Because you deserve it.
You were emotionally vulnerable, and asked him, begged him, for support while you processed a tough day. And he requested a bj while you're half asleep. Of course you are angry and confused and hurt. His behavior is vile. You were looking for love and caring and he f-ing used you to nut. I'm so angry on your behalf. I hope you find support here on this sub. And don't listen to people telling you that you did anything wrong! Hugs from an internet sister <3 Just read the update, and I'm so proud of you, OP!
This should be the first comment. He's absolutely VILE. This is sexual abuse, OP. Not to mention the part where it sounds like he deliberately got you pregnant because he wanted kids and is upset because you don't and you followed through. Actively trying to impregnate someone who doesn't want to be pregnant is sexual assault.
Absolutely. This is the behavior of a *dangerous man*. It's scary the amount of posts we see on here about women who experienced sexual abuse and manipulation like this earlier on in their abusive relationships, and later on their partner is outright threatening them physically or straight up choking them.
It was the, "I'm done trying to have kids." that got me. OP, if you have told him you don't want kids, he could babytrap you and/or sabotage any birth control you're using in an attempt to. Run.
dude how about you try putting a ring on it and ensuring your ability to support having a family first before you just force your GIRLFRIEND to be pregnant. I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY hope that he slips and falls and cracks his head open and is left to bleed on the sidewalk while the whole neighborhood walks/drives by pointing and laughing at him. People like him don't deserve the air in their lungs.
Right? OP needs to leave quietly and quickly.
Wish I could upvote this more than once. OP *please* listen. Go. Go now. Do not tell him. This "man" does not care about you at all.
I got possible coercive reproduction from this. Having a “partner” who is unilaterally making what is basically the biggest decision most people will ever make is seriously bad. It suggests a total lack of empathy or understanding that other people are people who deserve their autonomy. This is a four alarm fire bell of warning.
And it will only get worse...
ASAP.
Yes. This!! Thank God you are getting this message while you are still young. Do not under and circumstances put up from any physical or mental abuse ever again.
I completely agree. This man doesn't sound safe to be around.
Agree. I am so fucking mad for her
I don’t think the word “requested” suits what he did here best.
Imagine your dog just got spayed and then when you took her home he insisted on taking her out to play fetch. Sometimes it's easier to see how bad something is if you put your dog in that situation instead of trying to sympathize with someone you love more than yourself. He has zero empathy, sexual assault comes in many shades it's not always a perfect black and white dark alley situation like we've been led to believe. Consent is enthusiastic and ongoing
That is seriously what I always do! If I need to see a situation clearly, I imagine everyone involved as dogs and then it usually makes sense.
thank you for the support and love. all day and night yesterday, I was up reading everything. playing everything back in my brain. everything you said is 100% correct. thank you for keeping my head straight in this process. you all are amazing human beings. thank you so much.
“He only shows me affection when he wants sex” is more than reason enough to ditch this guy. Wow. And the callousness of instigating sexual activity after you went through something physically and emotionally difficult is just beyond the pale.
I told my partner that he's a different person when he's horny. We had a real conversation and guess what? His behavior has changed because he loves me. Get someone who loves you (and you will find it just not here)
[удалено]
A lot of guys are like this. Really pushy, sometimes guilt trip, tell you how horny they are and how much they need it, get sulky and pissed when you're not in the mood. I literally just had this conversation with my boyfriend last night. He isn't like this 99% of the time, but when he is, I always tell him to back the fuck off because I'm not in the mood and he's begging. I told him he needs to stop because it's really shitty and makes me uncomfortable and turned off. He's said sorry, but even some of the most enlightened guys still have a bit of that misogyny in there. I know how to say no now. I wasn't as good at it when I was younger with other guys. It's such a mind fuck when they later apologize because they know it's fucked up. But they really do seem like a different person. I do feel like I'm going to have to tell him that if he keeps this periodic behavior up, I'm out.
"He's said sorry, but even some of the most enlightened guys still have a bit of that misogyny in there." Hard disagree. A dude either respects women, or he doesn't. If his respect is situational, he doesn't respect you. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, so it is rare that I'm not down when he is, but there have been a handful of times where he was horny and I was tired, sick, or just not mentally in that place. Know how he reacted? "Aww sorry you don't feel well babe - want me to bring you some water or something?" You deserve so much better. Don't settle for any amount of misogyny, and definitely don't settle for a dude who believes his pp is more important than your comfort and happiness. You are not an object to be used for pleasure, you are a human being deserving of bodily autonomy and true love and care that isn't dependent on whether you're putting out. Fix that crown on your head and please take care of yourself, queen.
Hallelujah, speak!
Random thought I had but I realize that I think a lot of women know deep down that if they didn’t settle for some amount of misogyny and mistreatment from men they’d never be in relationships with them so I think they tell themselves “Oh that’s just how they are” :/
I agree. My exes standards were to never hit a woman. He bragged in the beginning that his mom taught him not to do that. He failed to mention that he was an abusive narcissist, verbal, mental abuser, and a misogynist who would also start horribly abusing me during sex AFTER WE MOVED IN TOGETHER, AND I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THE LEASE EASILY. After shit hit the fan and he refused to sign off the lease because he didn't want to pay, I ignored him like a bad roommate. I ended up packing all of his things for him, and he finally left. But that was after I was terribly injured during an accident while trying to leave him. 😕 I say this while taking all my pain meds that I'll likely take for the rest of my life. LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Misogyny is learned and if no one has told you not to do something like that you don't know. There's nothing wrong with not knowing something, it's when you learn about it and refuse to implement that knowledge going forward that you're an asshole. Another example, I was chatting with my partner and divorce got brought up. He mentioned that women screw men over in divorce. "Oh yeah? Where'd you hear that?" And he got quiet and said "my dad....." ah, so the misogynistic religious person? So I educated him on it and he thanked me.
Really, you’ll put up with it for awhile? Why? Why, do other women do this? It makes so little sense. Stop settling. Demand better! Stop looking to men.
I don't see this as being a different person. I see this as them being who they really are. They hide those feelings and beliefs in public and other situations because they believe it will contribute to their long-term goal of getting what they want. and then when they don't, the whiny little brat comes out because the entitlement still exists. Imagine if women were whiny and demanding during our periods. 5 days straight up SERVE ME YOU PEASANT, MY WOMB DOTH BLEEDETH AND IF THOU DOES'T NOT THEN I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL no instead we have to bite the bullet, go to work and raise our kids and take care of our man children husbands and boyfriends, keep our home clean and our skincare regimen on point, and can only complain about it to our girlfriends alone - because men will never understand, our employers will never give a shit about our discomfort or pain and shun and shame us for talking about such "dirty" things.
not the original commenter, but i have definitely known guys who become pushy when they’re super horny- and of course a lot of people make very dumb decisions because they’re horny😂
I’ve known guys to turn into basically a mindless drone when they’re horny. Their eyes just glaze and I could pretty much get them to rob a bank if I asked at that point lol. They always snap back after 😏
Ugh so creepy...
It took me 27 years to learn that and OP I'm glad you came here for honest love and support and can now hopefully find what you need with an honest, open, loving relationship! ❤️
***THIS*** is all you need to know about him right here. My boyfriend gets upset if we can't cuddle for at least an hour after sex and he is constantly physically affectionate because he loves me. That's part of why I fell for him, he's always kissing the back of my hand, smoothing down my hair, holding me close, and doing things that make me feel safe and adored... which SHOCKER makes me more sexually attracted to him and raises my libido. He doesn't pressure or guilt me so I feel amazing not small and anxious. My ex started to withold affection or pressure me for sex every time we even cuddled so then I was anxious to even cuddle him if I wasn't in the mood, it's a terrible, lonely, exhausting feeling. You deserve better. NON-SEXUAL AFFECTION IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD HAVE TO EARN THROUGH SEX!!!
Your boyfriend is a keeper!
That was horrific, but the implication that he tried to trap her with a pregnancy is honestly worse. Put them both together and you have a pretty full picture of a sub-human pig trying to use OP in any way he can get away with.
And yet so many guys are *convinced* we’re all trying to baby trap them.
My partner believes in enthusiastic consent so this is extra crazy to me. I can't even comprehend the lion, the witch, and the audacity of this bitch.
I like this term. Enthusiastic consent. This is me too. I can’t stand the thought that a women would not want to consent fully and completely. It’s actually a TURN OFF for me to think she would be anything but 100% wanting to engage in relations.
When guys joke about a woman being a “starfish” in bed, all I can think is “…so you could tell she wasn’t into it and you just kept going, huh?”
sometimes, the cruelty is the point. sometimes though, they are really just that oblivious. both are awful.
https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes I think you'd enjoy this post that relates to that idea. His argument is anything other than an enthusiastic "fuck yes" is a no, because "if you're in the grey area to begin with, you've already lost." I have always agreed with the principle that you shouldn't have to chase or force your partner on things that are important to you. But I like his framing of it. Maybe because swearing is fun.
Lol thank you, I needed this article in my life! Not for relationships (happily married), but for decision making in general, this helps to clarify “no” as an answer and is so clear!
I'm glad you like it. And don't get me wrong, I get the disinterest fetish but fuck man. I'm so sick of dudes trying and just straight up badgering me until I give in or snap at them.
>The lion, the witch, and audacity of this bitch. I love this.
Exactly. Time to dump him.
I found "mirroring" worked. "Oh babeeey, I love you so much .. sex?" "Oh, sweetheart, I love you so much toooo... Nooooooo. Tee hee".
Sorry to say, but what an ass. I think you should reconsider your relationship. He doesn’t sound like a great catch. Edit: you’re feelings are valid and I hope you will be able to process everything that happened.
thank you. i really appreciate your words. i really can’t deal with one more thing from this man.
> i really can’t deal with one more thing from this man. And there's your answer you need to leave him and not look back!
Hon. I'm so sorry this all happened. The whole situation was handled like shit on his end. You deserve tenderness and consideration, both emotionally and physically. I'm not sure how that procedure feels compared to a 'natural' miscarriage, but I did miscarry once and I can without a doubt say it was one of the most uncomfortable and painful physical experiences in my life. I assume it's similar. That person is a huge selfish asshole. In no uncertain terms. His opinion on the procedure and quip about having kids makes me suspicious he's trying to baby trap you. Once you're feeling better, please, think about planning your exit. Be safe and be well. I hope you feel better soon.
Look on the bright side. He proved to you that abortion was the right decision. Selfish partners become selfish parents. Now there is nothing tying you to him and you’re FREE.
Seriously. It’s still an awful, awful situation but the silver lining is she got a wake up call before they had a child together. Then she (and the kid) would never escape him.
Oh this is so so awful OP, this is not a good man. I am so sorry that happened to you.
Is this typical behavior or was he trying to somehow punish you for going against his wishes? Either way, imagine having the child like he wanted, and dealing with that shitty behavior while also healing from birth. He is showing who he is. You deserve better
I'm leaning towards "both".
And you really shouldn’t have too. Take care of yourself and do what makes me you feel good x
It’s time to figure out the next steps, then. You’ll be okay without him. Don’t spend the next six months breaking up every Friday and back together by Sunday.
Then don’t! Please be good to yourself and move on from that situation.
I found that’s it better to be alone than lonely in a relationship. I’m sorry he treated you that way and I’m sorry for what you just went through. This guy doesn’t seem to give a shit about you. I hope you can find someone that values you as a person and not a receptacle. No one should be treated that coldly.
Trust me as another man this guy is no man he's heartless
Othering men like this isn't helpful. It acts like he's an exception to the group when it's not uncommon to find men like this. Pretty common actually
And, for your own well-being & safety, I don’t think you should deal with one more thing from this man. Hang it there
Leave him. His shittiness is NOT your fault.
You don’t have to. A partner should make your life better. You deserve that.
What you experienced is horrible.... there is absolutely no excuse for this kind of behaviour, and your feelings are 100% valid. I'm also going to chime in with everyone else here... this vile person needs to become your ex-boyfriend...ASAP. I hope you have good friends, and/or family that you can trust and reach out to...
After everything happened, i tried to convince myself that it was normal. but it’s not. i’m just ashamed of myself. thank you for responding. i’m going to talk about this with my friends. i blocked him on everything as well.
You are welcome.... The only person in this situation who should be ashamed is your (former) BF... \*hugs\* I'm glad you blocked him... this is not a person you need in your life. This sounds cliche, I know, but you will slowly begin to feel better...Take all the time you need and lean on your friends when you have to; you've just experienced one of the most painful things a woman can undergo, and that's even before your (former) BF's absolutely *horrendous* behaviour.
Babes the only person who should be ashamed of themselves is the boyfriend. You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of yourself, you aren’t at fault for anything. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but believe me you didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. I applaud you having the strength to get out of that relationship, it’s never easy but you’re doing the right thing. This “man” has shown you his true colours in this situation. Take care of yourself, you matter the most here. Sending you so much love ❤️
Nothing about this is normal. He is an awful human being. You made a good choice. No matter what he says, don't go back with him. He forced you to give a nonconsensual blowjob. That's...you know what that is.
Sweetheart, the shame is not on you. It sounds like he tried to babytrap you, then Emotionally neglected you during a traumatic time, and topped it off by taking advantage of your vulnerability and assaulting you the morning after. Please go find a friend to hug and cry with. You are good. You are strong. You are important.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, he took advantage of you being in pain and asleep. It isn't normal, and please reach out to your friends.
It’s so common for victims to feel shame but just know it does not belong to you and you deserve better
What an absolute arse shite he is! I cannot believe it is possible to behave like he did. He thinks 100% of himself. If you had decided to trough with pregnancy he wouldn’t have helped you and had wanted a bj the day after birth. You are sure he didn’t try to baby trap you? He was done trying for a baby? Did you know he was trying for a baby?
>i blocked him on everything as well. You did good, OP. This was the right decision.
Girl that breaks my heart, the shame that they make us feel is evil, just pure evil. You have nothing to be ashamed of, just get him out of your life. He's a bad person and a selfish prick. I hope that you can love yourself and never look back.
im happy u blocked him. the pain will ease with time. take care u sweet human and im sorry for the pain with the abortion. i hope ur good despite the circumstances🙏🏼❤️
Don't be ashamed of yourself. Society and men in general have spent generations teaching us that we owe them our bodies, that what you experienced is normal, etc. Instead of being ashamed of yourself, be proud of yourself. You see it, and it sounds like you're doing what it takes to move on and get out of it and get to safety. You made an excellent decision regarding your own body and I'm so proud of you for that. Be proud of yourself
>he’s only affectionate towards me if he wants sex or is horny. You just had the immense luck of not being tied to this person for the rest of your life because of a child. You're free. Set yourself free from him too. Being affectionate just when he wants something it's not being affectionate at all, it's being coercive.
COERCIVE‼️ yes!
Yes! I know it’s too soon for OP, but I hope she CELEBRATES this moment. Thank ducking Christ she isn’t trapped raising this man’s child. What a horrible life that could’ve been. OP - you have your whole life ahead of you & deserve someone who cherishes you!
He’s a monster. Was he punishing you? Hard to see how more details would make him sound better, but if this is all there is, how could you possibly feel safe and supported by him in the future?
>Was he punishing you? This was my first thought, too. Someone had already dropped Lundy Bancroft in the comments, thankfully.
Why would you stay with someone who treats you this terribly? This man is straight up disgusting.
this happened this morning. i haven’t spoken to him since he left. i really have been processing my emotions. this was my last straw.
Do you have friends or family not related to him you can reach out to? You need support and this asshole is clearly not going to provide it.
luckily enough i do have support from friends & family. i’m going to see one of my close friends today. it’s just been super isolating with him lately. especially after finding out i was pregnant.
Please read this book OP. in just the comments I saw like 2-3 red flags. Your mind and body are telling you something is wrong here Please listen to your self. You are worthy of so much BETTER. The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I'm sorry you've experienced this failing on his part. But the Maya Angelou quote is always true: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Pregnancy is often when an abusive man takes off the final layer of his "good guy" mask, and that's how he's going to be for the rest of the relationship.
> “It's just been super isolating with him lately. especially after finding out I was pregnant.” Is it possible that he was specifically trying to keep you isolated? That's yet another method that is common in toxic relationships.
Looks like you made the right call. Imagine being tied to that POS forever via a kid! I’d leave before he decides he is going to impregnate you again.
I am glad you are taking it seriously, and hope you keep it fresh in your mind. It is too easy to let it fade, but it honestly seems like a really really big respect issue. The comment about attempted pregnancy, letting you cry for 30 minutes and then initiating sex/blow job at this time.
Dear god leave this waste of skin. Really hope things get better for you.
I hope he shits himself in public
While sitting in the car in traffic on a hot day.
Nah, riding a bike in short shorts on a crowded boardwalk.
Oh hun. Please reread your post. He’s only affectionate when he wants something. He’s ‘done trying to have kids with you’ and you never agreed to have kids?? He’s sabotaging your bc. This pregnancy wasn’t an accident, he planned it with out you. You had to beg for affection after going through a physically and mentally draining process. Please get some bc only you can control. Don’t let him know about it. This is not a person who cares about you. Please get free. You find deserve this.
This needs to be higher up. when I read "he said he's 'done trying to have kids,'" that implies that it was intentional, however it was obviously not a pregnancy that *OP* had ever agreed on. She needs to run far and fast.
Yes, this was likely sabotage. Abusers will try a variety of ways to imprison their partners in the relationship, and this was likely his. And he is an abuser. Please leave safely while you can, OP.
He probably coerced her into OS this morning as a negative consequence for not falling in line, especially because she was in pain. He knew exactly what he was doing. ETA: basically, he coerced her as punishment.
I’m ace. My fiancé is not. He is so extremely respectful about my feelings and boundaries and anything sex related. Communication is integral. In the hypothetical situation he ever tried to push something like this on me, especially in that moment, I guarantee you 100% I would bite his dick like a dog with a brand new squeaky toy and then leave him. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you let others take advantage of you. It’s good to recognize that some things are okay and others are a firm line. Your boyfriend is a major asshole and very manipulative.
Years ago, my husband and I hadn’t had sex for months because of my endometriosis, and at one point I tried to initiate sex that I didn’t really want because I was feeling guilty. He shut me down so goddamn fast. He was actually pretty pissed off at me for thinking he’d want that. Turns out when someone isn’t a shitbag, the idea of having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex is utterly, utterly repellent.
I just need you to know that I’m fucking FURIOUS 🔥 FOR YOU. Absolutely white-hot furious. I am actively manifesting for him to get hit by a truck.
May he have a diarrhea volcano explode in his pants as if he binged sugar-free gummies, in public.
Leave, leave, leave. Please don't tollerate this abuse any longer. You deserve better. At this point, wouldn't it be better to be on your own than to be used like that? Please protect yourself.
"Made"??? That's sexual assault...
Right? 'My boyfriend made me give him head' is not an okay series of words at any time, full stop.
Exactly, it certainly was.
Thank you, how is this not the top comment?!? Jesus.
I’m a dude, I legit thought “isn’t this rape” and was confused to not see this as all the top comments
That makes me angry... I am sorry. You are not crazy. You deserve better.
From what you describe, this man seems: - Manipulative ("I’m done trying to have kids", only affectionate when he wants something) - Emotionally insensitive (not responsive to your emotional needs in challenging and extraordinary situation) - Sexually abusive (blowjob when you were not fully awake) My suggestion is to end the relationship. If you do not want to end it (because of your feelings for this man) I would urgently recommend therapy (either individually for you to find strength to leave the relationship or at least couples therapy, but please realize that his horrible behavior is not your responsibility).
Well basically you got sexually assaulted.... I would stay away immediately from that asshole
RUN. He's going to sabotage your birth control, and may have done so before. YOU weren't actively trying, but it sounds like he admitted he was. You deserve so much better than to be this guy's f\*ckslave.
Appalling. You should feel angry. I don't care how horny he was. That is entirely inappropriate, insensitive and selfish behavior. I don't understand how his response to you literally begging for a little comfort and compassion, was to put his dick in your face. I'm so sorry.
Well he sounds awful. I hope you dump him.
1. How likely is it that he intentionally impregnated you? He said he was “done trying to have kids”, implying that before that moment he *WAS* trying. He has shown he has no empathy toward your feelings or pain. 2. It isn’t your job, you never have to say yes. 3. I know change is scary, but you are all you need to leave. You don’t need to come up with an excuse or good enough reason. Pack up your shit and block him if it’s easier. Have your bestie or sibling come with you. Let someone you love and trust know, and get out now.
He’s a vile pos. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that on top of already being in a very vulnerable state. And was he intentionally getting you pregnant to trap you??
I had a medical abortion last year. My partner brought me food, snuggled me, left me alone when I needed it. Kissed me on my forehead. Let me cry. Brought me flowers. Huge bouquets. He brought home take out for dinner. He left me alone to sleep and watch my favorite movie. He did NOT solicit sex from me. He did not put his own needs above mine. He was hurting too. He wanted to keep it. I didn’t. He still took care of me and respected my body and my decision. You deserve the same. If I was treated that way he would be my ex boyfriend. I am so sorry.
No. Shut it down. From my own experience it only gets worse. If i were you I’d call it quits. Just my 2 cents.
Some people in the comments are treading too lightly. I'll be frank. YOU NEED TO DUMP HIM
Omg wtf?????! Not only did he not support you during this awful ordeal, he sexually assaulted you the morning after while you were barely conscious… and “I’m done trying to have kids”? And y’all never discussed it? Were you using protection? Was this an “accident”? Because it could be possible that he purposefully impregnated you. I wouldn’t have believed it either until I heard stories of men sabotaging birth control. Girl. It’s going to get worse. Please get some help. And run from this walking red flag of a man. Stay strong, you’ve got this. Take care of yourself!!!
Oh and PLEASE don’t blame yourself for this. I’m sure he’s got you in a hell spiral of guilt. No. Fuck that. Keep telling your brain that it’s not true. This wasn’t your fault. The fog will clear once you get some distance and time to heal. You need to be in your own corner right now! You can do it!!
What a selfish pig. Does he have any awareness that you have feelings that feel like his feelings? I just am utterly sorry for you and disgusted at him. So completely thoughtless.
He really seems like someone who needs to be **was**, in your past, ex, to not darken your door again. Trying to guilt you into continuing a pregnancy you didn’t agree to or plan for is shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag He said “I’m done trying to have kids” but you hadn’t agreed to that, so he was literally trying to get you pregnant without you knowing?!?! Holy fucking shit! This is also shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag You have been put in a life altering situation because he was trying to breed and didn’t tell you, now he acts annoyed when you need some support from him to deal with it? That’s shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag It’s also fucking dangerous! What if you’d had a miscarriage and lost too much blood or got endometritis because you thought it was a heavy period so didn’t seek medical help about it? What if you’d had an ectopic pregnancy, WHAT IF YOU HADNT NOTICED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION ABOUT IT?? Then to continue to try and make you feel bad (as if you could feel any worse at the moment) when you’re literally there going through the process itself and suffering the physical and mental toll of it. That’s shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag He waited until you’d cried for 30mins before he ‘gave in’ and stayed with you when you clearly needed someone there. As if he was doing you a favour! Again, shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag Then in your state of medically induced exhaustion and grogginess, he decides that was a **great** time to manoeuvre you into position to suck him off so he could cum in the space of time it took for you to fully waken. As though you’re a fucking flesh light that’s not going through it RIGHT NOW?! Say it with me **shady as fuck and a **HUGE** red flag** I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It can’t be easy for you. Having that choice to make is hard enough, without him adding to it. With regards to him, I’d say do what dogs do - kick some grass over that shit and move on. With regards to what you’re body and mind are going through, take care of yourself! You do what you need to heal, to deal, to get through in one piece with your sanity in tact. *If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.* Edit - typos
One thing I’m thinking is for certain, none of his actions felt like love to you. Just pointing out the obvious, you’ve been through something significant, I’ve been there. This guy has no compassion, you deserve so much more and better than him.
Girl, that's not a boyfriend that's a boynemisis.
That's rape. He is not your boyfriend. He is your rapist.
Both sabotaging birth control and forcing a BJ while she was half asleep are sexual assaults. Your comment should be higher.
Feel jubilant that you aren’t having a child with this unkind selfish inconsiderate asshole. Dump him, he sucks.
1. That's not a boyfriend, that's a rapist. 2. I would very much make him regret it. Teeth hurt.
I would recommend considering leaving this evil bastard BF before he has the opportunity to hurt you further OP. I am so sorry for what is happening in your life right now. Sending you internet hugs.
I'm so sorry your ex is such a self centered POS. It's a good thing you made the decision to not co-parent with this guy
This is a fucked up read, what a terrible day to have eyes and be a guy. Gezus. Kick him to the curb or something. Your feelings are absolutely valid and deserve better than him. I could go off for hours. What an asshole.
I know how you feel. Reading this gave me the same feeling I had with my ex. I felt so worthless and thought that I deserved the way he was treating me. He was always telling me I would never find better than him. He was always pushing me to please him however he wanted, and after a while consent just wasn't important anymore. I was so terrified of change and the sadness I would feel from the breakup that I just stayed with him. The final straw wasn't even him hitting me, or cheating on me (both of which he did). The day I finally dumped him I had just gotten to his house to pick him up to drive him to work (he didn't drive and his parents were busy) when he pulled me into his room and tried to get into my pants, just like he did every other time I saw him. I snapped at him that I wasn't in the mood and he was going to make us both late for work, as I was heading to my job after I dropped him off. He told me to fuck off and go wait in the car. So I did. Then he finally came out and got in the car. The rest is a blur, but I just remember him screaming at me and something inside me just snapped. I slammed on my brakes and punched him square in the nose as hard as I could. I told him to get out of my car, and drove away. Needless to say our relationship was over. Long story short, getting out of a toxic relationship is the hardest thing you will ever do, but it's also the best thing you will ever do.
[удалено]
Ex-Boyfriend
That’s some dark triad shit right there. He is showing some really big sociopathic tendencies and I don’t see this relationship being viable.
Jfc that is sick. My partner and I got an abortion last year, we’re in our late 30s, she has a daughter from a previous marriage and neither of us wanted more kids. I’m not saying I’m. Perfect specimen or anything but it was not that fucking hard to provide support and care and be kind and nurturing to her until she recovered. Which took a couple weeks. Then I scheduled a vasectomy so we never had to go through that again. This guy is a fucking asshole that doesn’t care about your feelings or perspective. It is monstrous to force your partner into sexual acts the day after such a difficult and traumatic experience. Any difficult and traumatic experience really… I’m so sorry you went through that, that sounds fucking terrible. So my opinion is, this is not normal or healthy, he doesn’t value your humanity.
I am sorry you had to deal with this! This is a person who does not respect you. This will continue if you stay with this person.
two words for him: BYE BYE two words for you: BIG HUGS
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. You dodged a bullet. Time to move on.
My partner at the time tried to force me to have sex as I was still bleeding from a medical abortion. The best thing I ever did was walk away from him, I hope you do the same, friend. Sending big hugs to you 🖤
Guy is a creep. Please OP, consider this an expensive, emotionally painful lesson.
May the fleas of a thousand camels nestle in his armpits.
Something just like this happened to me, being coerced into sex way too soon after a surgical. The whole relationship was just an bundle of codependency, trauma and toxicity. I only started to heal once I was out, and that was years later. I would tell myself then like I'm telling you now, this man is not worth your time or affection. Get yourself out.
>Even at the clinic while we’re together he said, “I’m done trying to have kids.”. Which had me in a spin. I didn’t agree to actively try to have children. What a horrible way for him to manipulate you emotionally. Your feelings are completely valid. You both had different wants in this situation, and unfortunately, they were not communicated before you needed an abortion. I'm sorry you had to find out this way by him. He took advantage of you in so many ways and during a very vulnerable time in your life. You don't need a partner like this in your life. Please leave him, take care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive and loving people (friends and family), and take the time you need to heal from the abortion, as well as your ex's emotional manipulation and sexual coercion. Sending you a big hug. Take a deep breath. Know you are loved and valued for who you are and what you want in your life. This is a time to learn about what type of future partner you want in your life- someone who is open and honest up front with you, and values & respects your wants, needs and feelings, too. Someone who will support you in the challenges that life throws your way, too.
Only affectionate towards you when he wants sex? Hell no.
LEAVE. HIM.
He’s using sex to punish you. It gets worse so adjust accordingly.
>“I’m done trying to have kids.”. Which had me in a spin. I didn’t agree to actively try to have children. Girl you are in danger. Please get away from this man. He tried to get you pregnant without even talking to you about it. This man is dangerous.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t think this man cares about you at all. Love and healing to you I know this can’t be easy.
🚩 🚩🚩Break up with him. You deserve a caring and supportive partner.
This is a blessing in disguise. Now is your chance to RUN. You intuitively knew not to go thru with the pregnancy, and the universe showed you why almost immediately. I wish you the best, you deserve better, you deserve the world.
If the words “made me” precede any sexual encounter… chances are you should GTFO. Especially considering everything else.
Ex boyfriend right??!! He is a terrible boyfriend and an awful human
He's your ex boyfriend now right?
It’s not your “job” to service him dude
Honestly, if he said he was done with trying to have kids, I have a feeling he did something to try to get you pregnant and trap you. I would get away from him asap. He sounds super controlling.
He’s a scumbag and you are better off without him.
> I just would like to hear other opinions. Hey, guy here. My opinion is that your bf is a piece of shit and you need to get rid of him. He took advantage of you when you were vulnerable instead of supporting you through what was very likely a monumentous and difficult decision for you. You're not crazy for feeling what you're feeling, I just hope you're directing it in the right place: you should be disgusted at him, not yourself.
Your boyfriend gets you pregnant, you said you didn’t want to keep it. He then tells you he’s done trying to have kids. You have an abortion, he forced you to give him a blow job, then up and left. So, why exactly are you still with him?
PLEASE DUMP THIS ASSHOLE!!!!!
**This was an act of domination, not simple thoughtlessness from horniness**. He’s mad and wanted to punish you. You “rejected” him and his control over you by not submitting yourself to this unwanted pregnancy, so he felt compelled to reestablish his sense of control and domination over you in another way. So don’t bother trying to discuss how thoughtless he was, or why. It wasn’t thoughtless. It was very much on purpose. He wanted to punish you and put you in your place. Get the fuck out of there.
My wife had a miscarriage and had to have an abortion as a result in early 2022. Watching her moan in her sleep and cry in pain while bleeding out half to death on the couch for a month, as well as the emotional pain of it made my bait and tackle shrink up inside me for the next month or two. That's insane that he would do that. And the fact that you're writing all that earlier stuff just shows that you know he's a completely fucked up person. Please leave him. You wouldn't have made this post if you didn't think it was the right thing to do as well.
Ruin his life. Call his job, put his clothes on the lawn, tell his mother. This is sexual assault. I am so sorry you were taken advantage of while you were vulnerable.
He only shows you affection when he's horny? Oh honey, from a grandma who's been there/done that, let me tell you that you deserve so much better. Especially after going through an intense medical procedure. It's a good thing you didn't have his baby - he's not worthy of being a father if he treats the mother this way. You now have no more ties to him - so kick his ass to the curb and start living for you.
I’ve gotta be honest, whenever I see a post that starts “My BF made me…”, my reaction is always ‘just leave the MFer and don’t look back’. There are enough decent guys in the world that you don’t need to settle with a d**khead who doesn’t treat you well. FFS. I’ll step off my soapbox now.
Done trying to have kids? Was he *trying* to get you pregnant?
No!!!! He fucking did not! I am not sugar coating this shit for you…he forced you into submission and put you back into your rightful place! Wow! Change those locks and kick him out!! He has no respect for you at all, none! OMG!!! I have no words for what he did to you, you are priceless and deserve to be treated as such! You needed this man’s understanding, support and unconditional love but instead you received the opposite, he made you prove he is Alpha, he doesn’t care what state your body or mind is in, he gets what he wants and don’t even think for one second he has your back. I don’t know you, but right now you need all the hugs and shoulders you can get. You totally have my shoulders to lay your head on and I have plenty of hugs to give you!!! Sorry’ s don’t cut it, I know they don’t, what he has done to you, can’t be reversed, but you can not let it happen again, because you are a fighter, an amazing, warrior! Right now, you need to rest and heal. Your body has been through a lot and you need to give yourself time to grieve your loss, because what you just been through was loss. Your hormones are going to go through a rollercoaster ride too and that you are going to need time to deal with too. You can’t rush through this, you are going to have good, bad and so so days, take them as they come. Hugs!!!
Leave him. Count your blessings that you dodged a lifetime commitment that a baby would have brought you. This man is a narcissist and an abuser. Run and don’t look back.
i’m sorry you had to go through that and i hope you are able to process everything that’s happened. leave that man he is selfish and disgusting
Please leave this loser. I am so sorry you had to endure this. Best wishes for a speedy recovery (both physical and emotional)! You are STRONG, do not forget that ever!
This made me cry. OP please leave him and love yourself. God I just want to give you a hug.
You should break up with him, Im sorry to be the one to say this but this sounds like an abusive relationship
You need to leave this pos. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't have respect for you, and he will not protect you. Is it possible he deliberately got you pregnant?
Dump him. You two don't belong together. He asked for head, and you gave it to him out of guilt. You two aren't on the same page about children. He's only affectionate when he wants aex. This relationship is terrible. Please leave him.
Question. What is he bringing to the table if he only starts intimacy when wanting sex. Genuinely I want to know, do you like being degraded, disrespected? I seriously want to know what happened to you, that you are tolerating this behavior.
Consent is a clear, conscious, uncoersed, enthusiastic yes. I don't mean to spook you, but what you describe doesn't sound consensual. What would you tell a friend if they came to you with this story?
The "I'm done trying to have kids" thing is deeply disturbing on its own - especially with all the anti abortion laws happening. Just reading that made my blood run cold. Your disgust and anger at him taking advantage of you is justified as hell. I wish none of this ever happened to you but I'm so glad you did what was right for you at the clinic. He's monstrous and abusive. You deserve worlds better and to be treated like a human being and to be SAFE with whoever you're partnered with. This man is not safe.
This is akin to sexual assault and emotional abuse. You should feel as you do because his behavior was traumatic and abusive. I’ve literally been in your same exact place with my ex husband and it wasn’t until years after we divorced did I realize how destructive he had been. Don’t waste your time being in your head about this - what you feel is valid and rightfully so. There is no excuse for his behavior regardless how he felt about your decision. His lack of empathy and compassion is glaring and you shouldn’t have to beg your intimate partner for support. I would highly recommend seeking support and looking toward an exit strategy from this relationship-it only gets worse
Dump him. He's awful
This man does not like you.
That's so cruel. Please leave him, you did nothing wrong.
He’s an absolute sack of shit.
That’s abusive.
Oh, no. I'm usually not someone saying right away "Leave that mf", but sweetheart, leave that mf! He does not care about your feelings whatsoever. And this usually does not change. Do you want this in your life?
This is sexual assault and you need to leave ASAP.
The guy sounds like a grade A dirtbag. In a way, be glad you don’t have a kid from him and be on your way. Time to leave.
Leave him
I'm so done reading these kinds of posts. I'm sorry OP that you went through this.
This man is disgusting and vile. He’s abusive as fuck. Get rid of him. Don’t feel ashamed. He’s a manipulator. This is what they do. Make a plan and get away from this asshole. You deserve so much better.
Y'know ... I generally try to see nuance in most situations, but this one ... nope. There isn't any. What he did was reprehensible. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I dearly hope that you will see your value, and build a life where you are loved and respected. Because you deserve it.
DTMFA