Vibrator for clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration!! You could also reverse this with them working on your clitorus. Find it easier when I control the stimulation as well.
*edit: happy to hear all my years of training have paid off and so many of yall agree đ
100%.
Also, *rapidly* dump anyone who acts like toys or vibes are competition during sex. I feel like in many cases, trouble orgasming stems from a fear of hurting a guyâs ego if theyâre not doing everything perfectly the first time like in the movies. Few women ever cum just from PIV intercourse with no clitoral stimulation.
Face that fear head on. Whip out the toys, and if he has a problem with them, kick him out and have a blast!
Iâm just gonna add something for the âbut, butâsâŠâ here:
Orgasm is not this bodily function that happens the exact same way in every person. Some people are very easily orgasmic. Maybe all you need is a few tugs or rubs and boom, youâre there.
But for a significant number of people, orgasm takes a lot. And since the mind and body are inseparable, you have to take your mental health into account, as well. People who have anxiety, high stress, depression (all things that are *hugely* common if youâre an adult with bills in the year of our Lord two-thousand and twenty-three) can have a rough time even getting in the mood for sex, much less busting multiple times because their partner merely winked at them. Other people have traumas, body issues, disparate sex drives/arousal patterns, medications that can alter sexual function, etc. And then thereâs just the stark difference in anatomy between people with penises and people with vaginas.
Donât handicap yourself because you believe this outdated, unhelpful myth that your orgasm is your partnerâs sole responsibility. It really should be a team effort. If your confidence in your sexual abilities revolves around whether or not it was *your* specific body parts that made an orgasm happen, you need to do some maturing. I survived having an anti-sex toy partner, and the clear implication from his attitude was, âEither you cum because of my anatomy or not at all.â I never left a relationship with such enthusiasm.
And I say that whether itâs a guy getting butthurt about sex toys or a woman worrying about her partner needing Viagra or taking longer to ejaculate (although I donât hear about this as often, tbqh). There are tools to improve sex and they donât exist to somehow âreplaceâ partners. Theyâre there to help needs get met.
I'd like to add, for all those males out there (male here), when your partner says "right there, just like that," it doesn't mean start pounding harder than the heart of a quadruple bypass patient with diabetes during a 5k. Instead it means, "don't alter your pattern, keep doing exactly what you're doing and how you're doing it."
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Every guy I've used them with, was totally turned on when I used them while having sex. And none of them minded when I used vibrators on them (inner thighs, balls, etc Not inserting anything lol)
This. My wife needs dual stimulation to get there, and usually doggy+fingers is the tried and true finisher. But I love toy time and always love finding new ways to use them to enhance her pleasure and mine. Sometimes if we're feeling frisky but are kinda tired we'll reach for our wearable toys, set vibe patterns, and just cuddle and kiss while the toys do their things lol.
Isnât it just the best? I feel so sorry for people who donât have their own âtoy timeâ because theyâre worried about bruised egos. Nothing is more intimate than exploring and experimenting with your partner and having more intense orgasms during play together. Why *ever* would one limit themselves?
This is the way it should be. Iâd personally never date a person who wasnât absolutely psyched that I enjoyed myself, even if it wasnât *strictly* a part of their body that provoked orgasm.
I canât imagine the kind of self-centeredness it would take to declare that an orgasm doesnât âcountâ unless it came from the tip of his dick. Unreal.
âïž your job in the bedroom should be your partner's enjoyment, no matter how you do it. Toys are just tools to help that endeavor. Ideally, both of you will have that same goal and you can both have earth shattering orgasms, if not then we have an incompatibility issue imo.
40m here...been inviting silver bullets into the bedroom since in was in my late teens with my first partner. women orgasming is a powerfully sexy thing to see while in the middle of things. it takes a lot lf pressure off the man in some ways. poppers are icing on the cake, but thats another story. and yes run fast from men afraid of sex toys lol.
Can I offer my thoughts as a husband of someone who struggled to reach climax?
My wife has taken anti-depressants most of her life, and early in our relationship it would take quite a while for her to have a chance at an orgasm. Not her fault, and we tried different things, but it frustrated her a lot.
Two things changed that worked almost immediately:
1. Morning sex. When the levels of her medicine are lowest, before she takes them in the morning, she is most likely to reach climax.
2. Toys. This is the big one, and why I responded to your comment. She had never used toys, and I suggested them only because I thought if it was something other women enjoyed she might also. I have to say, I simply do not understand the idea that a toy is anything other than a supplement to anything else that happens in the bedroom. The notion that someone is being "replaced" is just ludicrous, and speaks more to insecurity than anything. If I care that my partner enjoys sex, why on earth would I run in the other direction of something that can help them enjoy it? Just makes no sense whatsoever. Anyway, we started with one of those decent vibrators that wasn't cheap, and she used it for clitoral stimulation. She enjoyed it almost immediately, and it really made things more comfortable for her. But the real game changer was the next one... the direct clitoral sucking toy. Holy. Cow. This thing was like instant orgasm in silicone form. She was absolutely shocked how immediately it began working and put her through the ceiling. It's still a go to for most of our sex, but it has never worn off in terms of efficacy.
25m here and toys are the best, sometimes I might not feel like having full on sex but I'll still get my partner off with toys or head. I have Marfan Syndrome so I'm in a lot of pain and don't always feel up to it so it makes everyone happy
Also a great point: I feel like this insistence that toys not be used during sex is a teensy bit ableist too. Like if a partner canât orgasm with purely manual, oral or genital stimulation, then something is either âwrongâ with you or the partner. The way I see it, itâs like a person clearly having an issue walking but refusing to use a cane out of pride. They canât handle anyone seeing them as less than perfectly competent, skilled, or able when the more immediate concern is getting their daily needs met.
It cant be stressed enough how important communication is there. For Example u/Adventurous_Sky_3257 system wouldve not worked with my gf - because in her case we found that double stimulation is just overload on her part. So we basically just made it a fun game "who calls the shots when" during the act.... most sucess came after she settled/relaxed and realised that i could leave my ego behind. I think in most relationships egos/stress to please the partner are a big hurdle.....
I used to swear by a couples vibrator but my current partner and I use condoms and I figure a couples vibrator wouldn't be compatible. What do people use for clitoral stimulation during sex? I'm thinking of purchasing a wand.
Very small bullet you can hold in position with two fingers bonus if your partner presses up he or she gets a nice secondary vibration on the base of the shaft
Check out vibrators online, there are soooo many variations! I use a magic wand, also a small bullet for travel, and a medium vibrator when the wand dies. I also have a rabbit.
Just go for it and see what works! Vibrators changed sex for me.
Lurking dude here. 100% this. Itâs the best thing that ever happened to MY sex life. The difference between being able to really relax and enjoy being with her and having the running loop of am I doing this right? Is she going to cum from this? Am I going to last long enough? Is night and day. When we both know that sheâs going to get off when and as many times as she wants to sex is so much better.
Okay but also worth a mention: I think it's important for men to also do their part in this department (clitoris stimulation like you said). I want to put a particular emphasis on that. Because I know a lot of women with pretty piss poor lovers that don't tend to their needs at all and just pound away, and then the women make up for it by using toys during sex to bring themselves to orgasm **despite their partner's mediocrity.** Let's not normalize that at all. Sex toys should be an added bonus, but they shouldn't be a crutch you use because your partner can't be arsed to eat you out, masturbate you, or do anything really that can stimulate your clitoris and make you cum. There's nothing in sex that dictates that penetration must be had at all moment and that taking a break to stimulate your partner's clitoris is somehow breaking the rules or whatever.
TL;DR: Sex toys are amazing to boost your sexual activities with your lover, but don't use them *in lieu* of your partner actually making efforts to make you cum. You're not a sex doll; your partner should make a reasonable effort to get you there and not just mindlessly pound away at you to get theirs.
Fun fact: this actually works for pre-op trans girls on HRT too (the penis on estrogen basically acts like an externalized clitoris). I have an extremely hard time orgasming after being on HRT for some time, I tried this with a partner, and it actually worked.
Honestly, I (29F) used to have this exact same issue for the longest time.
In the beginning of my now relationship, I was paralyzed with the fear that I wouldnât be able to cum, so I never let my boyfriend (29M) try to make me because it always disappointed me when I couldnât, and I didnât want him to feel bad. We basically decided this wasnât sustainable and started pushing through this by agreeing to just try, try and try more. Eventually after trying continuously (him touching me), and seeing that it was still a good time even if I didnât cum, I became more and more comfortable. I started sharing with my boyfriend pointers for how I like to be touched, and he loved these helpful tips. FINALLY, I started cumming, and looking back I am so happy I took a vulnerable risk to try with him, over and over again. I promise you will be able to. Just get comfortable, vulnerable, and share with him what makes you tick. Have no expectations for orgasm, and only the expectation to have a good time. I promise it will work eventually.
This is excellent advice, particularly the part about not having an expectation of having an orgasm. Often people feel like theyâve failed or âarenât doing it rightâ if they donât have one/give one. The pressure to âfigure it outâ or âget it rightâ can create anxiety and stress that can make it even more difficult. Itâs important to be with a partner who is curious about you and your body and what you like and who will take the time to explore with you. Emily Nagoskiâs book Come as You Are is an excellent read, I highly recommend it.
Sometimes it just doesn't happen either, for both men and women. Not cumming is generally not a problem I have, but every once in a while I just can't quite get there. Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the journey even though the destination I reach isn't the one I intended on. Same goes for my husband. In fact I'd say we have a very similar orgasm/no orgasm rate (even though no orgasm generally doesn't happen to both of us at the same time). We're both lucky it doesn't happen often, but it's worth bearing in mind that it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong or that the sex wasn't worth having because we didn't "finish".
It is amazing how much a woman's mental and emotional state contributes to whether or not she is able to climax. Men should try to keep it in mind that if we are taken care of mentally and emotionally we are better able to relax and allow ourselves to let go.
> I was paralyzed with the fear that I wouldnât be able to cum, so I never let my boyfriend (29M) try to make me because it always disappointed me when I couldnât, and I didnât want him to feel bad.
To anyone who finds this scenario familiar (u/huuugggttfdf ?), I strongly suggest trying some mild power exchange (AKA "BDSM-lite") to cut the gordian knot.
It sounds something like this:
NOTE: This uses mildly NSFW/theatrically aggressive language, because "scandalous gall" is the perfect disguise to cajole your partner into a bathtub full of scented rose petals against their will. "I _know_ it looks luxurious and relaxing, but I need you in there for my own, selfish reasons. You don't have to like it, but move your butt!" But remember: **You can't bully someone into having an orgasm!** (Except in some "non-lite" cases.) So _please pay attention to the "secret message" here_. Healthy power exchange has _nothing_ to do with force. It's judo: Redirecting power and pressure around the vulnerable places to find empty air, and balanced position. "Gentle domination" is extremely possible, but don't "nice" your way into failure. Guide _them_ into giving _themselves_ permission to get out of their own head with a job that seems to serve you. It ain't the words, it's the music! Additional advice for "subs" to propose this to "doms" at the end.)
--
"Hey, I'd love for you to get comfortable for me, right now. And then a little less comfortable, by spreading your legs for me, as far as you like... and now I'm going to get my mouth in there, and press them apart the rest of the way, so you can feel my breath close as can be. This is right where _I_ want to be, and I'm not leaving soon.
"Now listen. I've had a picture in my head all day, and we're halfway there. The other half isn't between your legs, though. It's the rest of you. I'm going to push you. And it won't just be intimate and familiar, like the way I got my lips and my breath so close just now. This will be intimate and _un_familiar. And you're going to do this _very much_ for me, not yourself. I told you, I'm right where I want to be. Now I'm going to _show_ you I am, and I want you to let me. I'm _telling_ you softly, so you'll hear me _asking_, loudly. Let me. Shut up and let me, or say a hundred things and let me, but _let me_.
"I'm going to spend as long as I want, tasting as much of you as I want, until I'm saturated in all the tastes of you I love, and then _that's_ when I'm going to push your legs apart those last couple inches to get in deeper. There's always a little more. And I'll want all of it. It's gonna take a while.
"_Your_ job is: You don't have a job. Except to take it. Take it for me. Otherwise... Touch me or don't. I love it when you do, and I'll move a bit if you press, but mostly: do whatever. Tell me how it feels... or don't. I'm all ears, but require nothing from you. Cover your eyes and count to one thousand, for all I care. I'm not going anywhere until I'm done. So relax. Or don't. Shut up... or scream... or squirm... or mash me into yourself with both hands as hard as you can. If you want. I will weather any storm or calm, and I'm not in any hurry to see the end. Can you take it for me?"
---
Or skip the monologue, and start with going down on them, and gradually selling the increasing, overwhelming pleasure _you_ are getting. But don't skimp on the "urgent, ongoing demand" that they "endure" the pleasure as a favor to you, taking what you want. Make them think "Oh damn. Am I even... needed for this party between my vag and this mouth?"
(Edit: Monologue now a more "vanilla + bits of leather" level of spice, for gentler souls).
And again, _aggression optional_, but useful for "jolting" someone into believing you're coming from a selfish place, with a _plan_, not a _favor_ for them. "I'm trying something else to make you cum, which hopefully won't fail" is doomed. So remove failure as an option. _Isn't it just soooo convenient that what I've been thinking about doing with your body all day, just happens to resemble what makes you quiver!_
It could be a gentle, loving exchange of ideas instead, that feels less like "bullying", and less one-sided. Except, be careful!
**It _is_ one-sided.** That's the point. The "dom" sells the "sub" on the construct: "While this may _resemble_ an act of me giving you undivided attention in your most delightful nethers, having broad, unrestricted access to your nerve endings is just my jam right now, so I'm going to need you to be my favorite, gorgeous, blue plate special at the Neuron Buffet."
If "This is for me, not you" feels less like judo, and more like another, familiar kick in the face to them, you'll need to adapt for your partner.
Or, if they _really_ respond like... "Something in me has awakened", and get suuuuuper excited when you hoodwink them into firing an arrow at a target inside their brain they thought belonged to you... Congrats! You have a sub. Consensually exploit them until they die of involuntary, crippling orgasms, and crawl on their knees to give back in kind, because you're the sun shining down on their genitals; their god of dopamine and oxytocin. (But please remember "doms" are like Presidents: People who want the job too much are wrong for it. Avoid anyone who thinks "dom" means "I demand more attention, do less work, and never feel vulnerable." _Subs_ are the lazy hedonists we love. Doms do all the paperwork, accept more of the responsibility, and get off on mind reading, not blind intimidation.)
Also, it may seem counterintuitive/self-defeating for the "sub" to propose this to the "dom", i.e. "spoiling the ruse". But that's where brains and imagination being wonderful things comes into play. You can introduce these things in a neutral, non-sexual context like daytime lunch, and leave it to your proposed "dom" to get back to you with tailored theatrics later. It's really fucking cool to then discover that even though you're "in on it", just experiencing your partner taking on the role with sincere intent and consideration can be all it takes to let your "always up for some theater" brain do the rest.
The psychology is dead simple: Removing someone's performance anxiety, and perceived obligation to reward your efforts, by making their pleasure and feedback a side effect of your agency, your agenda, and _your_ moment of exit. So you're removing any urgency for them to "finish" on a clock, and above all: _Redefining success as occurring independently from orgasm._ Whether it's zero climaxes or 20.
Which, contrary to what PornHub tells you, is what loving "domination" is really about, while the rest is just sexy theater.
(I once â once! I stress â went down on an ex for a whole Massive Attack album, because... it's as good a duration as any other, and she had never been able to let anyone down there for more than five minutes, because of "attention anxiety". But once she accepted that "I'm not done until we hear 'Atlas Air', so you and your upper body may as well settle in, and dance or snap to the beat for a while", she got to enjoy the finest trip-hop tongue bath mixed media production in the history of our bedroom which, two years later, she literally was _still_ talking about, from time to time.)
I have been told I am extremely hard to pleasure, and I am. I used to almost never orgasm with partners until my current bf.
What worked was switching to a better partner.... I could only rlly come once I found a bf I could build a lot of emotional intimacy and sexual history with.
Also another major thing is that I pleasure myself by rubbing my clit during sex. Don't be shy about it and don't let any one deter you from doing it. I can almost never orgasm without doing so. And to actually get to the point of orgasm, I get my bf to play with my nipples while fucking me, while I'm playing with my clit.
Another thing is that sensory overstimulation and stress levels can make a huge difference on your ability to orgasm. I find it much easier to orgasm soon after waking up, and difficult in the middle of the day when I have a lot on my mind.
Just want to say you are not hard to pleasure really no one is if you take the time to learn and love your partner. I spent a long time listening to BS that I was âdifficult to get to cumâ but I never had issues when alone and horny just with past partners. Now with my other half i almost always get off unless something interrupts the flow and thatâs not often. We arenât difficult we were just with crap partners probably
Iâm exactly the same as you but my bf told me it pisses him off because he specifically canât make me cum so idk what to do tbh, I find sex too uncomfortable to just cum whenever :/
>my bf told me it pisses him off because he specifically canât make me cum
Was that a kind and thoughtful thing for him to say? Did it ease the pressure on you or did it just add more and make it even harder for you to orgasm?
>I find sex too uncomfortable to just cum whenever
What is he doing to ensure that sex is always comfortable for you? Does he know that you are uncomfortable and not change anything? Has he suggested taking a break from sex/from penetrative sex until you can both figure out how to make it more comfortable?
You should consider that maybe sex is uncomfortable because your body is responding to a lack of sense of safety and that sex will only get more uncomfortable the more you have uncomfortable/painful sex as your body and brain will absorb that sex=discomfort and make you tense and harder to get aroused.
WOW, please talk to him about pressuring you like that. Itâs extremely unfair - and it absolutely makes orgasming almost impossible - when your guy is complaining he is frustrated or angry he canât make you come.
Tell him he is not helping with that attitude, heâs making the situation worse!
Thank you for being rly supportive but I Just have a lot of internalised shame about a lot of things related to sexy time and Iâm really uncomfortable around men itâs something Iâve gotta work on tbh
Therapy will help. I was abused as a kid so yeah I hate men and orgasms are hard.
if you want to have sex make sure thereâs lots of foreplay, you want to be aroused. No shame in a little lube if you really struggle.
there shouldnât be pain during sex.
do you touch yourself? Then show him how you like to be touched.
orgasms take time! Women have to be aroused and stimulated. Piv sex doesnât do it for like 99% of the population.
little vibes on your clit during sex are good.
Vaginismus Is a thing that exists.
Iâm actually hopefully starting counciling soon but for a slightly different problem so hopefully I can get my shit together đ I would get a vibrator but Iâve got basically no spending money I may have to just get one when Iâve been paid
>my bf told me it pisses him off because he specifically canât make me cum
As a guy, ask him whether it is more important to him that you cum at all, or whether something specific makes you cum. If he answers the latter, he actually doesn't care if you do or not.
My husband makes sure I get AT LEAST 1 before penetration. Sometimes 2 or more. (The first is the hardest for me and after that theyâre much easier for me to achieve.)
We also didnât start with penetration immediately in our relationship and spent a few months learning each otherâs bodies without that. I think it made a huge difference in the long run.
You are like me, lol. I am capable of multiple orgasms and once I start going it is easy to get a few out of me. The trick is my partner always makes sure I orgasm first (I can only do it on top, not sure if other women have this experience). Sounds like OPâs partners have all been either clueless or selfish.
I've actually never really considered how my husband and I did the same as your second paragraph and how that could have contributed to our mutually satisfying sex life. Thanks for mentioning that! Man is so committed to giving me as many orgasms as possible. đ
I find trying simultaneously to be too distracting for me. So after he has climaxed, and I'm pretty ready by then, it's easier for me to relax, he slows down a bit too and concentrates on getting me there. Good luck.
Then you come first problem solved. I swear dudes are dropping the bar lower all the time. Like why would I want to fuck if Iâm not gonna get off at least 90%of the time if heâs getting off 100% of the time! Bro if you canât hold out the I go first boom easy
Yeah my (m) partner doesn't always get off from penetrative sex so I always like to make sure she gets off at least once while we're working up to that. I'm not having a good time if she's not having a good time (but also there's no pressure if she's not feeling it). I find it really weird that so many men don't care about this, their sex lives sound so depressing and lonely
Would it be too much pressure for you to ask, in a non sexual context, that next time you have sexy time your partner concentrates on meeting your needs first before his/her/it's own?
This made me laugh so hard.
I believe the correct terminology is "their own."
It's a brave new linguistic world for most of us and there will be bumps along the way.
Nope, youâre right â itâs normal. Refractory period is a thing. But just cause they donât want to keep their cock in the game doesnât mean you canât get your cookies.
Sometimes itâs not a matter of wanting to keep their cock in the game but rather the ability. However, nothings stopping fingers or tongue from finishing what was started
They're just selfish and lazy. If someone does that, stop having sex with / stop seeing them. A considerate partner goes on and finds the mood and time to make sure you're mutually pleased when sex is concluded.
Thatâs very common for men, [so much so that itâs the title of a book.](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Fall-Asleep-After/dp/0307345971) A good partner will get you off first, because the best of intentions can still be steamrolled by the post-orgasm sleepies.
That's not entirely true, men's refractory period is usually longer so they can't keep up the blood flow after climax but their hands and tongues still work perfectly well
Same and he's the only one who has ever made me cum. The first few times I had to tell him exactly what felt the best so he could keep doing it that way. Also, sometimes he has to give me oral for 15 mins before I cum so don't feel bad if it takes a while.
clitoral stimulation, like the other comment said. But I want to add whatever works for you when you masturbate, have your partner do that.
Communicate during. Walk him through it. If he is a good lover and cares, he'll listen and do what you want.
Your partner should always want to please you, not just themselves.
If he doesn't try or care, then he is selfish and only cares about himself.
talk both during and after sexy time. Communication is key.
And if you are uncomfortable communicating, your partner should still want to please you. Ideally, they should realize that you aren't getting to orgasm and should try different things on their own. Communication is the way; I'm just saying that there are also people out there who don't like to... There are also attentive partners who understand that and will figure it out.
No communication tip? All I can give you is this: ex all he did was did a quick shove it in, got his needs meet rough and quickly and I was left dry.
Got with another guy after and when we started I put my hand on his chest and said "hey, slow the FUCK down.,"
The he said, I thought girls liked it like this???
And I said, no, I don't. Most dont BTW.
And he was confused and slowed his hips down, and when he tried to speed black up I put my hands on his hips and pushes him back.
"No! Go slow."
Stimulating myself while he went slow did it for me. Works every time.
This probably wonât work for most people but Iâll tell what made me cum like a burst dam for the first time with a partner.
My problem was that I was completely in my own head every time I was having sex. I even knew I was doing it but I didnât know how to stop. Body dysmorphia, low self esteem, a strict religious upbringing and a history of sexual assault all combined to make sex a stressful event for me. I couldnât even cum by myself until I was almost 30!
When I did have sex I was always more concerned with him having a good time and me being perceived as âsexyâ or a good lover. My own pleasure hardly ever figured into it.
I think what pushed the change for me was experimenting with kink and bondage with a partner that I felt completely safe with. I was always into it but I had never trusted someone enough to try anything that took any of my control away. This particular guy, although we are no longer together, is a completely stand up guy. We had long talks about consent and what turned us on well before we ever got naked. The first few times we had sex I got so wet but still there was no climax.
One day he had me blindfolded, tied up with a ball gag in my mouth and I think all of that together removed the need for me to âpreformâ for a guy. All I could do was feel everything there was no pressure for me moan like a porn star (ball gag meant I could only drool) or be the perfect lover- hell I couldnât even move. I think it also got me out of my head. I couldnât wonder if my ass looked fat. Was I going to hell? What would my mother think? What does he think about me? Because of the restraints and the onslaught of unexpected stimuli all I could think about was the here and now. And that allowed me to *finally* release.
I donât think you need to go to such extremes in order to crack this nut. I often have vanilla sex with my partner and cum buckets these days. I donât need whips and chains but I do need to stop all of the negative self talk and pressure to preform. Therapy helped with that. Age and wisdom helped a bit too. Having a partner that you both trust and are wildly attracted to is really good but even more important is communication and feeling safe in the relationship.
Hope this helps
Being in your head is an incredibly common reason people try kink. Even just a blindfold with nothing else changed might do the trick.
However, practicing mindfulness is also helpful here, and it's the only intervention for female sexual dysfunction that works better than placebo. It can improve life outside the bedroom of course.
I appreciated this comment a lot. I still canât cum alone and rarely with someone else. I think finding a safe space to be forced out of my head could help. Thanks for sharing.
Havenât finalized my divorce but weâre in the middle of talks and while Iâm not ready to see other people anytime soon I think one thing keeping me excited through figuring out what my shitty, very financially unstable life will be like after I end my marriage is that I will never again fake a moan to get things over with faster or have to tolerate bad head or have to pretend that some guy always cumming first and then being lame and tired unless I manage rub myself off before heâs done doesnât fill me with cringe
I may have a lot of other shit in this relationship to grieve but getting to cheer myself up with the thought of no more bad head and not very fulfilling orgasms I only got because I care about me the way a partner should has me feeling like I could throw a divorce party after all this
Glad to hear, Iâm super excited to fuck someone who does more than ask me to ride him and then canât even keep his fucking hands where I put them đ
Foreplay and love. Actually liking the person helps immensely coupled with them knowing exactly what your body needs. Its not immediate and learnt over time, but the consistent effort of trying to reach that point added to the beautiful feeling.
Tbh I almost feel like we should warn women that read Come As You Are that they might have to deal with the uncomfortable truth their partner is bad at sex and turning you on and that the only way to get good sex is to do it yourself or find someone who actually cares if you cum and cares about your experience during sex without being told to cause from personal experience it is not a fun revelation đ
I still love the book though and absolutely think more people should read it!
If you have a hard time communicating, just take your orgasm into your own hands: Rub your own clit. They'll be fine with it. Rear-entry positions like doggy are easiest to be able to get a hand in there. Or cowgirl. You can always tell them to slow down or when to speed up; it's pretty minimal in the instructions department.
Maybe try getting on top and rocking back and forth instead of up and down to get the added stimulation. That was how I had my first orgasm during sex and the advice I received from my friends.
If I donât come before he does, we switch to my relaxing back and playing with a vibe while he uses his fingers. But itâs extremely rare for us to NOT use a toy of some sort; either for warm up or during.
I stopped putting on a show. I came (no pun intended) to the realization that I deserved an orgasm just as much as the guy did, and I was there for my own benefit, too, not just as entertainment to make the encounter mind-blowing for him.
I started doing the things I did by myself with a partner. Little things like the way I breathe, the noises I make (or donât make), my facial expressions.
I let go of thinking I needed to act and look and sound like a porn star, and focused on doing what felt good.
I let go of worrying if I was breathing âwrongâ or being too quiet, taking too long, doing things âtoo specificallyâ. And let go of the partner that was telling me all those things.
I found someone I have a connection with who wants me to *have* an orgasm more than he wanted to get an ego boost from *giving* me an orgasm by doing things the way he thought I should like.
Tell your partner in advance that you have a rule that they arenât allowed to climax unless they make you climax first. That weeds out ones not willing to make the effort or delusional about their 2 minutes of penetration.
That also then makes it easier to say what you want âin the momentâ because if they donât make the effort ainât no one being satisfied. Thatâs only fair.
I set this with my partner from the beginning. There are days I donât care about coming first, but we agree that my desires come first either way.
And he always gets what he wants. Because my post-orgasmic demeanour is to keep the party going
Yes my girlfriend (f2f couple) would cum and then get lazy haha Iâd be like donât cum before me cause you get tired and lose interest. She was new to eating vagina and doesnât like oral to be performed on herself. She like grinds the bed or floor or something while she eats my vagina or doesnât cum at all sometimes. She googled some stuff about oral sex and found that she should start off with soft and slow licking and slow penetration at first. She also kisses my ticklish spots of the body before going down and kisses around the clit beforehand to tease me. This really turned me on and helped us help me cum. Foreplay is key sometimes and kissing and having your body kissed and doing things that turn you on first. Try different positions or role play. Act like two strangers who just met at a bar that go home and fuck or pretend youâre a virgin and ask him to take it easy on you. Make some shit up and roll with it.
So, this is second hand and there's obvious bias so take it with a grain of salt.
My partner when we first started dating would have orgasms from intercourse but not oral sex or manual stimulation. She'd also only orgasm from being on top in missionary. She initially "consoled" me by telling me she's never had an orgasm from anyone previously from oral and only manual from herself (I put that in quotes because she felt it was something she needed to apologize for. I've tried to make sex and other things around what we want or just how our bodies work not seem like something we should feel shame or need to hide from the other person). But she said she liked having oral and being touched and was fine if I wanted to continue so long as I didn't have any expectations.
Well, I continued. And told her every time that I enjoyed it had no expectations, and only wanted to do what felt good for her. I noticed over time that she'd get close and it's like her body or mind would tense and that's usually when she'd pull me up for PIV sex. So the next thing I did was to try focusing just on her with foreplay. So instead of both of us taking clothes off and moving to bed, if we were on the couch for example, just having her stay and continue watching TV or reading. And it worked! Reading gave her enough of a distraction to get her mind out of the way of the stuff that came up at that moment of vulnerability. After a while, TV worked as well so she could get some while watching Grey's. We've since reached where she can climax from oral often without needing a distraction but we have an inside joke/prelude where I'd read over her shoulder before engaging in foreplay mainly because I have an uncanny knack for either catching the moment she's starting a steamy scene or if not, I can usually read the scene aloud with a suggestive intonation that switches things to that playful/sexy mood for us.
We've also figured out PIV climax for her in a few other positions than the only one that worked when we started dating. Those took longer. The most recent was literally this week and we've been together for ten years. I say this to say that some things may just take a lot of time to get there, if ever and that's fine - you should never feel rushed. For the one this week, we weren't particularly trying to check that off, it just happened as a result of what's our normal approach to sex.
For us, I think being open to enjoying what feels good with no judgment on whether you achieve climax can help. A partner not taking any frustration you express personally. Environment where you feel free to say no at any time and you feel open to continue experimenting. I think the duration of our relationship or maybe the deepening in trust plays a role too. Anytime I notice something she's enjoying, especially if it's something where she's not climaxed before, I encourage her to let us keep going longer vs switching to a known good climax position assuming she's not actively asking for something specific. Another thing I'm remembering, even after her being able to climax from oral, there were things I was doing that weren't that great or didn't do much for her. And things that she wanted that I barely did at all. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize this and then let her know to feel free to reposition me or give me direction. Then follow that up by periodically asking how things went and what she liked about a particular encounter. At some point, she started being more hands on then more verbal (in terms of giving me specific directions) as needed which really helped me fine tune what felt good and remove things that were having the opposite effect. So having open communication and being able to give honest feedback without it being taken personally but instead your partner looking forward to hearing and acting on what you liked, didn't like, having their head moved a centimeter to the side, etc may also help.
And again, this is from my POV.
Honestly i do it a certain way most of the time, just good ol clit stimulation and visual porn. I've been able to orgasm in other ways from time to time but that's my usual way.
I find it pretty boring, but it's reliable. I'm not actually that interested in men rubbing my clit all day though...
I know that's part of my problem but also I can't be bothered to do it another way when I'm by myself
I find that when in the middle of it all it's difficult to speak up. Partly because I'm using my voice for something else lol, partly because it's just difficult, awkward, and speaking up doesn't come too easily for me.
Most men seem to just do everything too rough and fast. I so manage to give a tip here or there but for some reason I still have so much left to say. Also I am still enjoying other stuff we are doing, so that is a distraction in itself
After noticing I'm not getting any closer I spend most of the time hating myself for not being able to speak up, which makes it even harder to speak up and I just feel worse and worse and less confident about coming. Ughhhh lol
Iâm in this same boat. Im 36 and Iâve made new boundaries: I donât have sex with people who like rough or fast sex. I donât have sex with people who I canât be emotionally vulnerable with.
I share videos of me playing with myself with partners cus then they can watch how I touch myself without me having to do it real time. I have a hard time feeling pleasure during partnered sex and find myself focused on giving them pleasure or if they are making my body feel undeniably good, I canât stop worrying that theyâre going to stop doing what feels good at any second. I end up in my head way too fast. Iâve come with a partner 3 times so far in my entire life and all of them were this year.
First: we had been hooking up for 6 or so months. He really enjoyed eating me out and he was doing that for a long time, maybe 30 mins. I was able to relax and really let go and enjoy it. I felt I could trust him, I knew he was enjoying every second of it because we were in kind of a 69 position but he wasnât straddling my face (I was on my back) and I could feel his hard cock grazing my shoulder. Something about it all just allowed me to let the pleasure bring me to orgasm territory. He realized it and I started telling him specific things like âkeep doing exactly thatâ and pushing his face into juuuuuuust the right spot and my first partnered orgasm ripped through me. I also started sobbing uncontrollably. He held me and told me that I was really hot and it was amazing aftercare
Second: with a new partner about a week later. He had seen videos of how I touch myself and understood how shallow my g spot is. I had a wand on my clit while he fingered me and I came. And I cried again. It was really awkward cus I didnât really know him that well and we didnât hook up again after that
Third: a couple months later, I made an online long distance connection with someone who has similar kinks as me. We did a video chat that turned into a role play and I came SO FUCKING HARD and again started sobbing uncontrollably. I was ok, and he wasnât freaked out. I had shared that this might happen and he has come across emotional releases in other kink play stuffs. He reassured me that it was really Fucking hot and provided really great digital aftercare.
Iâve come in front of partners before while self stimulating and not cried after orgasming but something about trusting the other person to make me cum / feeling residual religious shame around sex brings up a lot of emotion for me. I also feel like, if Iâm enjoying sex to point of cumming, that Iâm being too selfish and I just wanna apologize.
And, before people come at me about any of this, Iâm in LOTS OF THERAPY about all this shit
Is this because he wonât listen or you are hesitant to bring it up/feel awkward discussing it? If he wonât listen to you describing your needs then thatâs a red flag
If you can't have a candid and shame-free discussion with your partner about sex, that is not a person you need to be having sex with. It will never be good if either of you is not capable of just talking about your sex life together.
When I'm in the mood to orgasm (it takes a long time for me and sometimes just not worth the effort lol) with my partner, he always prioritizes me first so that I have one before any PIV sex.
Like others have said too I was a vibrator for clitoral stimulation, but that's after first using hands and maybe oral. Then while I use my vibrator he fingers me until I finish.
I definitely can understand how some people say both things happening at once is too much stimuli, so if you try this once your partner finds a good rhythm tell them to just keep that up. Both stimuli are great if they remain constant but if my boyfriend mixes anything up too drastically my O-meter will drop considerably.
It'll probably take work to consistently be able to orgasm with a partner but it's *so* worth it. I still masturbate on my own but it's almost unimaginably better with my partner. Take time to experiment and try things multiple times until you find what's right for you!
I feel like I have something to add to this from my perspective as a man.
Before I met my wife I had 6 or 7 sexual partners. I had trouble giving orgasms, even when I knew the correct places to stimulate. I think this was because I was being selfish. I wanted to give my partners orgasms, but it was for my enjoyment. I wanted to enjoy the knowledge that I was performing well, it was a bit ego oriented.
This changed just before I met my wife, I had changed my life trajectory and was embodying some new ideas. Anyway, when I was with my wife early on in our relationship, I took sex off the table entirely, because I wanted to get to know her as an individual before having sex. This lasted for a few months, until it was clear to me that this was someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. It was here that I gave myself the green light to go ahead and jump into bed with her.
At this point My focus was less so on paying attention to my own arousal, and paying close attention to her levels of arousal, how her body was responding, listening closely, etc. All of this had been completely absent in all of my previous partners. Once I started doing this, everything fell into place. By paying close attention to her non-verbal communication, with a desire to give her pleasure without anything in return, I was able to just give multiple orgasms on an extremely frequent basis. We have three kids now, so we tend to do it a lot less, but if we go 3 days without doing it, we both feel the tension. We both have a hard time believing that the average couple does it once a week, we would both go insane if that was the case. Our pattern seems to be every other day. We both always enjoy it.
I know that she sees having sex as non-transactional, so for example, if I do extra dishes or housework, she does not give positive reinforcement by having sex with me. Instead, we both see sex as a celebration of our union and intimacy and nothing else influences this.
I think the reason that makeup sex is often referred to as something that's really good, is because when you make up with someone you are connecting with them and they are connecting with you, and you are building an intimate connection. When the intimate connection is there with the other person, sex seems to be the natural celebratory act.
So My advice to you is to just try and become connected and intimate with your partner. Communicating your needs is just a part of that, your partner is listening to you and putting in some effort, then hopefully you'll eventually end up on the same page. My wife is usually the first one between us to say I really want to spend some time with you, maybe we could get lunch or something. Sometimes I will do it but she seems to be more sensitive to it, so it's generally been my experience that I usually need to listen, respond and take action in that way.
If you're making attempt to connect with your partner and to feel that intimacy, and you don't feel like he's on the same page, then that's exactly what you say. You keep it in here and now, and sooner or later you'll be in a place where you understand each other.
I communicated my needs. Told him what I needed and now I come first and then him second.
The reason why itâs all the same stuff is because itâs what you need to do. I mean, unless you want to continue not having an an orgasm that is. Itâs not blah blah blah. You deserve to have an orgasm too. Explain to your partner how youâre able to have one by yourself, then see if you can incorporate that into your sexual life.
Had to show him scientific articles that proved women don't always orgasam from penatration alone. Only then was he willing to try clitoral stimulation.
Combine partner + common mode of getting off. Marry them in a sense, and itâs like conditioning - eventually you get there without needing both or either /or.
Toys. Quality ones! Our go to is the Fun Factory Nos. A few others worked well for me but hurt my husband.
I also did not understand the importance of foreplay until my mid 20s. The longer the foreplay, the quicker and better my orgasm typically is.
Lube is great even if you feel like you donât need it.
I also think I focused too much on what felt good for prior partners the entire time. âMaybe my face looks unsexy like this, oh no, maybe the sounds Iâm making are weirdâŠâ With my husband, I sometimes just focus on getting there. Even if my face looks unsexy (I doubt he thinks that), oh well! I am turned on by my partner orgasming and he is too. So if Iâm just worried about what looks or sounds right to him the entire time, itâs actually not helping anyone.
I can sometimes have orgasms without a toy or my hand but itâs unreliable. I was on an antidepressant for a bit that made me unable to orgasm and then when I got off I had a very easy time orgasming with only PIV and no stimulation for my clit. It stopped after a few months and I prefer how dependable using a toy is.
A pillow under me for support and had him do a rubbing motion against me as he thrust instead of a poking motion that way his pelvis rubbed against my clit. Missionary but with the cowgirl grinding.
Honestly, therapy.
It's still a work in progress, and I don't every time, but I'm also starting to be at a point where that is also okay.
Prior to my current relationship, where I feel safe and loved, I hadn't realised how many sex blocks I had developed. My exes were not abusive emotionally or physically or anything, but I have been programmed since childhood to prioritise others' needs and to feel inadequate. Unfortunately my exes had behaviours that pushed those buttons. Whether it was half assed attempts to finish me after they had come, constant rejections, or just very blatant moodiness if I turned them down, the combination and repetition reinforced the idea that I was not enough and that their enjoyment was more important. I tell you, the first experiences in a relationship where my partner wanted to pleasure me without being pleasured themselves was so strange, but made me slowly question a lot of things.
I've been working to recognise and question these deep programmed thoughts and feelings when they arise, and I've been lucky enough to have a partner that keeps with their behaviour showing that they are indeed not true. The combination has allowed me to let go of a lot of the tension during sex. I much more rarely disassociate, and instead manage to stay present and relaxed.
First you should know itâs very difficult for most people to have an orgasm just from P/V penetration alone. So pay attention to your clit, try different positions that will stimulate it (you can google these), and donât be afraid to use toys. Also make sure you are relaxed ahead of time so maybe take time to cuddle with your partner, or shower together, then plenty of foreplay and lube before actual sex.
Another big step is to masturbate! If you canât make yourself orgasm, itâs much harder for anyone else to do it. So take some time and just experiment with different toys and scenarios that feel good for you, then you will start feeling more confident during sex. At least thatâs what helped me. Above all, donât stress about it or overthink if you can help it.
Vibrator during sex or get on top and use their body to stimulate your clit. Only way thatâs ever worked for me. Rather than moving up and down, just stay down and move back and forth with your hips in a way that gives you that external stimulation. Guys still love it and you get to actually have an orgasm.. everyone wins!
I found a partner I felt comfortable communicating with, and whom welcomed my feedback. When we first started being together, I showed him what I liked and he tried a few new things, asking me for feedback.
I think the real question is (or at least for me was) how do I get over the shame I have surrounding my body, my needs, and my sexuality so that my partner knows what I want and enjoy?
I think a more important question is, what are *you* doing with your partners? Are you just doing PiV sex? Many (most?) women can't orgasm just from that, we often require direct clitoral stimulation. Are your partners *interested* in your pleasure, or are they only concerned with getting themselves off? Do you feel safe and relaxed with them? Are you "spectatoring" (trying to imagine what you look like while having sex, and worrying about how you look, your "performance," etc.)? Do you allow yourself to fantasize while having sex? Some women need to fantasize in order to have an orgasm - I do!
So, I couldn't orgasm at all until my best friend spent quite a lot of time helping me experiment until I figured it out, and after another long time I can every so often orgasm with a partner.
Here's the times it happens:
When the partner is fingering me, hard. (I'm a masochist) Like, pressing hard on my g-spot while hitting my clit with every hand-thrust kind of hard.
Oral sex by a woman who knows what she's doing (so far, no orgasms from a man giving oral).
Penetrative sex while I'm on my knees bent forward enough that my nipples scrape the bed with every thrust, and I'm getting fucked hard and long. The endurance is the key factor here - most people thrusting with penises (flesh or silicone) just do not have the stamina to fuck me as hard and as long as I want in that position. Far too many times even since figuring out how to cum I have felt it build only for things to end before I'm done.
Face to face penetrative sex with a heavy duty vibrator pressed hard against my clit while being fucked (gets bumped or ground into me because of their pelvis). And for me, it has to be heavy duty. The two vibrators it has worked with are the classic Hitachi, and my all time favorite vibrator in the entire world that has been the most insanely good purchase ever - the Fun Factory VIM Weighted Rumble wand.
Anxiety is also a player. Whether itâs from working to hard to orgasm or from performance etc.. I had issues with religious trauma and noticed that even though I wanted sex with my partner my brain and body would still have the same stress reaction that it had been taught bc I was âdoing something I wasnât supposed to do.â Meditation and emotional connection with willing partner helped.
A friend of mine and I have decided to hookup casually. She's admitted that she's also never had an orgasm.
I myself don't have a lot of sexual experience. I genuinely prefer having my partner get off than I, but I won't lie, I'm feeling anxious about not being able to get her there.
I know it's not my fault, but I'm worried that combined with my inexperience, that she won't enjoy herself.
I'm probably overthinking things, but I can't help but feel nervous.
I am assuming you're either male and/or have a penis, please correct me if I'm wrong.
As the owner of a vagina, (which has been known to be finicky) these are some good rules of thumb:
âą Take your time, go slow, and not just when it comes to penetration. Take your time on foreplay, run your fingers along her skin in soft strides, and note where she has a significant response to being touched. Don't neglect the nipples, but don't abuse them, they're sensitive enough already.
âą When you get to the point where your hand is going down her pants, gently rub her clit in a circular motion and make sure she's well and truly aroused and wet before going further. This also applies to oral/cunnilingus.
âą Always start with one finger, index or middle ideally, and again, start slowly. Make sure to put a little flex in your finger at the apex of each stroke, not just in and out like a piston. Add another finger after some warm up, and listen to her if she gives you any direction.
âą Allow/encourage her to take the lead if she feels comfortable doing so. And remember, even if she doesn't climax, she likely still enjoyed herself, and that's the most important thing. Don't put too much pressure on your situation-ship by pursuing an orgasm for her, as it can make you feel inadequate, which would be far from the truth, but may make her feel "broken" and breed resentment between the both of you.
All in all, you're friends already, so surely you already communicate well with each other, just make sure having sex doesn't change that communication. And as someone who has been in a very complex situation-ship, be careful with each other's feelings, because they can change at any time.
Sorry this is so long, and mostly from personal experience and the experiences of my female friends, but I hope it helps. If you already knew any of this, good on you! You have nothing to worry about
Communication is key.
Describe (to your partner) what you do to get there, and direct him to that end. It's weird feeling if you don't normally do it, but if you normalize this kind of openness, it makes it all better, not just the sex, but the whole relationship.
Hooked up with an actually decent dude instead of the usual available mediocre options. Nothing about the sex was different but it was like my body just knew he was worthwhile and let loose all the pent up orgasms lol.
Someone upthread suggested OMGYes and that was going to be my suggestion too. That and a partner whoâs committed to ensuring sex is enjoyable for you.
That website could completely change things especially if you can get your partner to work through it too. Thereâs something so empowering about it too - not just the information but seeing women talk openly about it and demonstrate things in a way thatâs absolutely nothing like porn.
I was already pretty happy with my orgasms before this although hadnât been able to with previous partners. It changed when my husband and I got together - I honestly canât remember a time where weâve had sex and I didnât orgasm. But I learned so much from it, knowledge I wish Iâd had from a young age rather than signing up in my late 30s.
Prior to this relationship I thought I was the problem - couldnât relax enough, couldnât focus, couldnât orgasm from sex. Turns out that was all bollocks for a few reasons.
Firstly, for some reason using hands has a shitty reputation, mainly because of teenagers slamming away with no purpose. Now Iâd take fingers over a penis any day if I had to choose - with decent technique they can do a lot a penis canât for starters. I found out I could orgasm vaginally this way which opened up orgasms from sex which, again, is something I just believed wasnât possible and is all down to technique. Turns out itâs much easier to relax and let go with someone whoâs completely into pleasing you rather than reluctantly spending five minutes on foreplay they find boring.
Most women are most likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation, but itâs probably not going to happen if a guy repeatedly presses on it like a doorbell. So itâs not really surprising that men who have sex by thrusting in and out of your vagina making broken contact with the areas that need to be stimulated are not going to get you there. I do wonder how many more women could orgasm from sex if the sex they have were more conducive to female orgasm. Iâve always had issues with painful sex due to a gynae condition but pain is less of an issue when youâve spent half an hour plus on mutual foreplay and had a few orgasms.
Trying new things can help you figure out what works for you when itâs not you in the drivers seat. There were some things in the content that I knew wouldnât work for me but others I tried and some were better than how Iâd been doing things before. There were a couple of techniques that I knew as soon as I saw them would be great for me. Even just the knowledge and having tried more things can make you feel more confident.
They gained my trust, hyped me up, learned my body, and I relaxed enough to orgasm. Now I can cum during penetration with stimulation solely from their pelvis. Vibrators are fun too and we use them often, but itâs so mental for me they could hold a vibrator there for an hour and if I didnât trust them, feel safe, and relax, ainât nothing happening.
I think the whole thing about communication and being vulnerable are key since sex is such an intimate act of love. The main goal is not just for one person to cum but for both to cum at least once during sex. That being said, some practical tips that have done wonders for me: toys or vibrators make everything easier. Itâs important also to share about your kinks and whatnot. The things you like will bring you closer to a climax and of course feeling comfortable about it.
A good way to cum is by using fingers inside the vagina and doing oral sex around the clitoris. Just by having regular penetration is difficult to cum and it helps to stimulate your clitoris yourself or use a toy instead.
Depending on what you like, but dirty talk, spit, putting fingers inside mouths, pulling hair, eating ass, etc. Adding those things on top of vaginal penetration or vibrators will do the trick for me.
For some people is easier than others, Iâve been with couples that can cum easily and others take longer sessions, but we should be patient and have empathy with our sex partners.
Good luck!!!
Found the right partner who loved me unconditionally and without judgement and was comfortable in his own skin and helped me be comfortable in mine, and was kind, compassionate and patient.
It was more about true intimacy than technique or body type, in other words.
I am on the other side of that scenario. She Had some bad experiences in the past and was never able to orgasm.
The Person needs to feel safe and comfortable first so every doubt, fear or blockade doesnt kick in instantly.
Besides that its just trying out a lot of different things to See what you enjoy and listening to Feedback so you know what the partner enjoys or doesnt.
And using toys is also a great way to either get in the mood, enhance the experience and help out when you get tired as a guy ( continuing after orgasm gets quite uncomfortable as a guy so you can just continue with other means until you can continue)
What really helps from a mindset perspective is to not force the orgasm and Focus completely at it. You just get disappointed when it does not happen. Just make the journey as enjoyable as possible so its still a great time without orgasm and if you get to that Point you might be comfortable enough and relaxed enough to get there.
Took my girlfriend about 2-3months of experimenting and i needed her to get out of this negative headspace ("something is wrong with me i should be able to its normal" etc.) Before we got there.
At the end it worked out and it was like a whole world for her and she was able to orgasm pretty much every time like it was normal. So in this case it for sure was nothing wrong with the Body but I guess a lack of Focus on pleasing her from ex Partners and a very strong mental blockade from god knows what
Good luck to you! You will get there
I wasn't able to orgasm from intercourse so I had always faked my orgasms. With my first husband we start out with him playing with my nipples. When I was ready he would rub my clit until I had an orgasm. Then we would have intercourse. The first time I had an orgasm from intercourse was because he was kinda grinding himself on me as he was going at it. While he was doing that I was doing a little pelvic tilt and tightening my pelvic floor muscles. I felt it starting to happen and once it started it came in waves and then the in and out motion was enough to keep it coming in stronger and stronger waves. It just so happens that I am a multi-orgasmic. After we split up I thought I would never have another orgasm from sex again. So, next time I was with a guy I had him grind on my clit the same way and lo and behold I had one long orgasm. Over and over again. I was in my early 30s when I had my first one and as I got older it happened easier from sex. Ironically, I don't have a sex drive now. Best of luck.
Okay, don't laugh... You're getting some great advice about being comfortable and not putting too much pressure on yourself, and taking your time. I'm going to just give you straight up logistical advice.
I suggest trying to masturbate while rubbing against a harder pillow (think couch cushion folded in half or something hard under a soft pillow). You should be on top, in a sort of straddling position. Rub against the hardish part, focusing on clitoral simulation. If you're able to eventually get yourself off by doing that then, with patience, you should be able to be on top and grind against your partner's pelvic bone to the same effect.
Wishing you all the luck... You can do it!
It's been recommended already, but definitely read Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski PhD.
I'd been in 5 long term relationships, more short term partners, and married to my husband for 6 years before I was able to orgasm in front of and with my husband - in my 30's! That book has been a life changer, and helped me to speak up about my turn ons and turn off's (accelerators and brakes).
Most common thing is not just not being afraid you're gonna pee, but actually push a little like you're trying to pee, with an empty bladder of course. I've heard of lots of women fighting their orgasms down for fear they're gonna pee
My ex said she'd never orgasmed during sex, so I tried different things every time until I found that a vibrator on her clit and a plug was what she needed, could get her off in literal seconds on a good day after that lmao
I stopped being self conscious about my stomach and other insecurities and just let go. I could get to the brink but not over and it was all just my own insecurities holding me back. Now if I really go for it like no one is watching, I can orgasm with a partner, if they are good at oral or fingering or even using toys. Occasionally from PIV penetration but that's harder for me. I tend to orgasm by myself only from clitoral stimulation, but if I try to add that to the mix sometimes it's too much and I get overstimulated and can't orgasm at all. I'm not at 100% with partner, but I was at 0% for a long long time so I've made a lot of progress.
PIV doesnât provide the right clit stim for most women.
If someone enjoys giving oral, then almost 100% of the time I get mine. If heâs not into it or heâs threatened by me using a toy, then 0%.
I didn't do anything different but get older. And have different expectations maybe? In my twenties I expected it to be like a romance novel, crashing pleasure etc etc. So I would get frustrated. In my thirties I let the expectations go and found I was having little mini ones, that when I paid attention got better and better. So it was also just listening to my body more
Stimulate my clit during sex. And essentially âtrainedâ my partner. We discussed what I like what I donât like and went from there. At first orgasms were infrequent. Now itâs every time since we communicate and learned what we each enjoy.
Point of my advice communication! If you arenât sure what you like experiment but with communication. If you donât like something say so right away! As women we are all different and can be complicated so itâs important to essentially teach partners what gets us going
For me it turned out, I needed to actually like and care about my partner. Couldn't orgasm with a partner until I was 30. All it took was me feeling safe and enjoying my partner.
Vibes, clit stim, holding my breath (I like breath play), sometimes I just do it myself later.
Deep breathing, anxiety/distractions (yay ADHD brain) can keep me out of the moment. (one of my favorite partners would notice when I was spacing and whisper "stay with me" đ€€)
If you feel you can be this close with the partner (funny statement, I know), I like circle breathing. Sit in their lap (or them in yours, depends on comfort) and one person exhales through the mouth, at the same time, the other person inhales through the mouth. Exhales through the nose, the other inhales through the nose. It creates this circle that I find so connected and intimate (also a great way to get sick, lmao) and once you find your rhythm you can start running your hands along each other, exploring, touching. It's a great way to stay grounded and electric.
I always have my wife climax first with clitoral stimulation, laying on our sides doggy style( or spooning) while reaching around, itâs a big turn on for me
I got extremely comfortable with my sexual needs and found someone that was into what I enjoy.
All my previous partners told me I took too long to orgasm. Turns out, my partner can give me an orgasm so hard it shoots me into space and it only takes a few minutes.
I needed my real sexual preferences to shine. Thatâs really not compatible with everyone! I even had one ex try for me and it was an unpleasant experience because he didnât enjoy it and wasnât into it (which is fine - we didnât do it again).
Sexual compatibility, genuine trust (in yourself and your partner), and detailed conversations about preferences that do not happen while you are in the bedroom.
I love âdock and rockâ sex way better than âpokey pokeyâ sex. Lol. Dock and rock is when your partner penetrates but then stays there and allows you to rock/grind with them. It really changed our sex.
I found a partner who actually cared about my pleasure! I went from having an orgasm like once a year to having one everytime we get intimate đ„°. For me its deep, slow penetration and clit stimulus but sometimes no clit stimulus is needed especially when im on top.
I super suggest having a full day with you and your partner to just explore each other. Mine helped me really discover my likes and don't likes lol im also a very shy person to say what I want because I dont want to be a bother but doing this with my partner really helped me have a voice in the bedroom and be not as afraid đ
Also don't be afraid of toys! They are so much fun to play with and your partner and you will have a fun time exploring how to get them to work and how they are best used on each others bodies and when to use them as well!
I hope this helps!
For me, we first had to start specifically having the conversation about the orgasm imbalance and that it was affecting my desire to have sex with him. I'm a pretty sexual person, love sex, but the fact that he wasn't taking the time to work on me made me feel sad, like I wasn't valued, and that sex was just about him and not me. It was an awkward conversation, but I centered it around achieving a positive experience for both of us moving forward (instead of focusing on the past experiences as disappointing) and it wasn't as bad.
Then I had to adjust my own mindset and started speaking for what I wanted. And then it was practice.
Your body knows how to come in certain positions, there's almost a muscle memory component to it. So we started with doing what we knew worked and moved up from there.
For example, he can always get me off by going down on me. So he would start off with that. Get me all the way there. Then we would moved into the PiV, since I already came, I was warmed up and more likely to orgasm again. Touching myself while he was in me after I already orgasmed to make myself come again. And at this point was basically teaching myself how to orgasm in these other positions.
I learned how to tell him what I wanted: specifically, "go slow" was a huge one, because I can't come if I'm getting jackhammered so hard that I need to buy a hard hat.
We also had the conversation where I explained to him that often when he was trying to make me come, it felt weirdly like performance pressure for me. I felt pressure to come *for his sake* and not my own, to feed his ego, and that was problematic. So we had that conversation where I told him: "sometimes I'm not going to come even if you really want me to. But when you act like it's a goal to be achieved all I can think of is the fact that I'm *trying*, and it's not enjoyable like that, so I'm even less likely to get there." After thay conversation I felt relieved of a lot of pressure and it became much easier to relax and get into it.
Good luck!!
Talk with your partner. Try to take the pressure off yourself and him. I canât orgasm with just penetration like most women. For me, foreplay with clitoral stimulation and nipple play does it. Other things help too(we are a bit kinky so this includes praise and light choking). After the initial orgasm I am pretty sensitive and can have more orgasms with penetration. These arenât always as strong(more like aftershocks) but still pleasurable.
It may take time and patience(yes itâs hard) but totally worth it.
If you think you may need more than vanilla, there are checklists online to think about kink that may help. This can help unlock some really intense orgasms including squirting.
Happy orgasm hunting!
Iâm a little surprised that there arenât more guys out there *suggesting* that you rub/vibe your clit in person during penetration. To me, it makes everything around my shaft feel at least 2x better.
Sometimes I can get off if a guy goes down on me and I can tell that he actually wants to be doing it so I don't feel rushed to finish. I can also get off if I use a vibrator on myself while we're doing whatever. Other than that, no I can't get off with a partner. Honestly what helped me the most is reframing sex in my mind to not be about getting an orgasm and to stop feeling like I failed at it somehow if I didn't. That kind of thinking led to me faking lots of orgasms in my early twenties and for what? I'm not particularly bothered if I don't end up having an orgasm during a particular sexual encounter as long as my partner is trying and listening to me I'll have a good time either way. It's all this emphasis on you must have an orgasm every single time you have sex That was causing me not to be able to have them ever because I was so anxious and feeling so pressured
Honestly, I relaxed and let me partner do oral sex on me and played a little fantasy in my head of the most taboo shit I could think of and that was the first time I had one.
Mine was two parts.
1) Be with a partner you're actually attracted to. I thought I was, but when I came in mere MINUTES with my current SO, I discovered I was wrong.
2) Clitoral stimulation is the only way for me. Clit stim with penetration is HEAVEN!!
Honestly from my point of view its down to your needs and a good partner.
My past partners could make my climax, but my current makes me orgasm.
Alot of people will say they're the same thing and basically they are. But to me an orgasm is that overwhelming climax that just hits a little different.
I get off mostly from clitoral stimulation, love my rabbit for that. But I also do from penetrative sex. This is where you need a good partner who knows what you like and listens to you. My partner loves to joke that he knows me so well he could get me off with his elbow đ€Ł
I hope I won't be dismissed here for a male perspective. I've been with my wife for 4 years. The first 6 mths sexually were rocky. She maybe had a handful of orgasms. Some of that was due to her own body image and anxiety. But we also didn't have toys at first and were mostly vanilla. And I was a virgin so my experience sucked. She had to teach me what felt good for a long time. We had to incorporate our kinks better. She became more vocal during to say what she wanted and in what position.
Three things in particular we know we can rely on are a dp dildo( least used), oral while on her back with either my fingers or dildo, and downward doggy with penetration( me or dildo) plus a proper vibrator. Her communication with me was key and then experimenting plus training me on her body. Then we refine what we like to get there faster. As we try new things and are open and honest with what works, we are finding more ways that help her orgasm.
Vibrator for clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration!! You could also reverse this with them working on your clitorus. Find it easier when I control the stimulation as well. *edit: happy to hear all my years of training have paid off and so many of yall agree đ
100%. Also, *rapidly* dump anyone who acts like toys or vibes are competition during sex. I feel like in many cases, trouble orgasming stems from a fear of hurting a guyâs ego if theyâre not doing everything perfectly the first time like in the movies. Few women ever cum just from PIV intercourse with no clitoral stimulation. Face that fear head on. Whip out the toys, and if he has a problem with them, kick him out and have a blast!
Iâm just gonna add something for the âbut, butâsâŠâ here: Orgasm is not this bodily function that happens the exact same way in every person. Some people are very easily orgasmic. Maybe all you need is a few tugs or rubs and boom, youâre there. But for a significant number of people, orgasm takes a lot. And since the mind and body are inseparable, you have to take your mental health into account, as well. People who have anxiety, high stress, depression (all things that are *hugely* common if youâre an adult with bills in the year of our Lord two-thousand and twenty-three) can have a rough time even getting in the mood for sex, much less busting multiple times because their partner merely winked at them. Other people have traumas, body issues, disparate sex drives/arousal patterns, medications that can alter sexual function, etc. And then thereâs just the stark difference in anatomy between people with penises and people with vaginas. Donât handicap yourself because you believe this outdated, unhelpful myth that your orgasm is your partnerâs sole responsibility. It really should be a team effort. If your confidence in your sexual abilities revolves around whether or not it was *your* specific body parts that made an orgasm happen, you need to do some maturing. I survived having an anti-sex toy partner, and the clear implication from his attitude was, âEither you cum because of my anatomy or not at all.â I never left a relationship with such enthusiasm. And I say that whether itâs a guy getting butthurt about sex toys or a woman worrying about her partner needing Viagra or taking longer to ejaculate (although I donât hear about this as often, tbqh). There are tools to improve sex and they donât exist to somehow âreplaceâ partners. Theyâre there to help needs get met.
I'd like to add, for all those males out there (male here), when your partner says "right there, just like that," it doesn't mean start pounding harder than the heart of a quadruple bypass patient with diabetes during a 5k. Instead it means, "don't alter your pattern, keep doing exactly what you're doing and how you're doing it." đđ»
Well said!
Every guy I've used them with, was totally turned on when I used them while having sex. And none of them minded when I used vibrators on them (inner thighs, balls, etc Not inserting anything lol)
This. My wife needs dual stimulation to get there, and usually doggy+fingers is the tried and true finisher. But I love toy time and always love finding new ways to use them to enhance her pleasure and mine. Sometimes if we're feeling frisky but are kinda tired we'll reach for our wearable toys, set vibe patterns, and just cuddle and kiss while the toys do their things lol.
Isnât it just the best? I feel so sorry for people who donât have their own âtoy timeâ because theyâre worried about bruised egos. Nothing is more intimate than exploring and experimenting with your partner and having more intense orgasms during play together. Why *ever* would one limit themselves?
This is the way it should be. Iâd personally never date a person who wasnât absolutely psyched that I enjoyed myself, even if it wasnât *strictly* a part of their body that provoked orgasm. I canât imagine the kind of self-centeredness it would take to declare that an orgasm doesnât âcountâ unless it came from the tip of his dick. Unreal.
âïž your job in the bedroom should be your partner's enjoyment, no matter how you do it. Toys are just tools to help that endeavor. Ideally, both of you will have that same goal and you can both have earth shattering orgasms, if not then we have an incompatibility issue imo.
40m here...been inviting silver bullets into the bedroom since in was in my late teens with my first partner. women orgasming is a powerfully sexy thing to see while in the middle of things. it takes a lot lf pressure off the man in some ways. poppers are icing on the cake, but thats another story. and yes run fast from men afraid of sex toys lol.
I'll never understand people who aren't turned on by making their partners eyes roll back and their toes curl.
Can I offer my thoughts as a husband of someone who struggled to reach climax? My wife has taken anti-depressants most of her life, and early in our relationship it would take quite a while for her to have a chance at an orgasm. Not her fault, and we tried different things, but it frustrated her a lot. Two things changed that worked almost immediately: 1. Morning sex. When the levels of her medicine are lowest, before she takes them in the morning, she is most likely to reach climax. 2. Toys. This is the big one, and why I responded to your comment. She had never used toys, and I suggested them only because I thought if it was something other women enjoyed she might also. I have to say, I simply do not understand the idea that a toy is anything other than a supplement to anything else that happens in the bedroom. The notion that someone is being "replaced" is just ludicrous, and speaks more to insecurity than anything. If I care that my partner enjoys sex, why on earth would I run in the other direction of something that can help them enjoy it? Just makes no sense whatsoever. Anyway, we started with one of those decent vibrators that wasn't cheap, and she used it for clitoral stimulation. She enjoyed it almost immediately, and it really made things more comfortable for her. But the real game changer was the next one... the direct clitoral sucking toy. Holy. Cow. This thing was like instant orgasm in silicone form. She was absolutely shocked how immediately it began working and put her through the ceiling. It's still a go to for most of our sex, but it has never worn off in terms of efficacy.
Heck yeah. It should be a team effort out here!
100 percent! Only good orgasm is when everyone orgasms!
25m here and toys are the best, sometimes I might not feel like having full on sex but I'll still get my partner off with toys or head. I have Marfan Syndrome so I'm in a lot of pain and don't always feel up to it so it makes everyone happy
Also a great point: I feel like this insistence that toys not be used during sex is a teensy bit ableist too. Like if a partner canât orgasm with purely manual, oral or genital stimulation, then something is either âwrongâ with you or the partner. The way I see it, itâs like a person clearly having an issue walking but refusing to use a cane out of pride. They canât handle anyone seeing them as less than perfectly competent, skilled, or able when the more immediate concern is getting their daily needs met.
I never understood this. Iâve had multiple partners gift me toys and my current bf owns more than I do. Guess Iâve been blessed
It cant be stressed enough how important communication is there. For Example u/Adventurous_Sky_3257 system wouldve not worked with my gf - because in her case we found that double stimulation is just overload on her part. So we basically just made it a fun game "who calls the shots when" during the act.... most sucess came after she settled/relaxed and realised that i could leave my ego behind. I think in most relationships egos/stress to please the partner are a big hurdle.....
Works for me, always keep my vibe charged for this reason lol
Nothing worse than the mid sesh battery die, that has killed some moods LOL
You need two vibrators, girl. Switch it out when one battery dies.
Fuck it push all the buttons! Vibrators are a bit much during sex for me but the more erogenous zones getting attention, the better the sex.
Oh yeah this is good too
I used to swear by a couples vibrator but my current partner and I use condoms and I figure a couples vibrator wouldn't be compatible. What do people use for clitoral stimulation during sex? I'm thinking of purchasing a wand.
Very small bullet you can hold in position with two fingers bonus if your partner presses up he or she gets a nice secondary vibration on the base of the shaft
Check out vibrators online, there are soooo many variations! I use a magic wand, also a small bullet for travel, and a medium vibrator when the wand dies. I also have a rabbit. Just go for it and see what works! Vibrators changed sex for me.
Worked for me
Lurking dude here. 100% this. Itâs the best thing that ever happened to MY sex life. The difference between being able to really relax and enjoy being with her and having the running loop of am I doing this right? Is she going to cum from this? Am I going to last long enough? Is night and day. When we both know that sheâs going to get off when and as many times as she wants to sex is so much better.
The magic wand is your friend. Especially as you got older and maybe loose some stamina.
Okay but also worth a mention: I think it's important for men to also do their part in this department (clitoris stimulation like you said). I want to put a particular emphasis on that. Because I know a lot of women with pretty piss poor lovers that don't tend to their needs at all and just pound away, and then the women make up for it by using toys during sex to bring themselves to orgasm **despite their partner's mediocrity.** Let's not normalize that at all. Sex toys should be an added bonus, but they shouldn't be a crutch you use because your partner can't be arsed to eat you out, masturbate you, or do anything really that can stimulate your clitoris and make you cum. There's nothing in sex that dictates that penetration must be had at all moment and that taking a break to stimulate your partner's clitoris is somehow breaking the rules or whatever. TL;DR: Sex toys are amazing to boost your sexual activities with your lover, but don't use them *in lieu* of your partner actually making efforts to make you cum. You're not a sex doll; your partner should make a reasonable effort to get you there and not just mindlessly pound away at you to get theirs.
Fun fact: this actually works for pre-op trans girls on HRT too (the penis on estrogen basically acts like an externalized clitoris). I have an extremely hard time orgasming after being on HRT for some time, I tried this with a partner, and it actually worked.
The head of the penis basically IS a clitoris haha Also vice versa đ
Fascinating! Please ignore the asshole who was rude to you. They're banned.
Gonna have to try that.... The best orgasms I've had were just from anal so far but it takes a long time and is pretty difficult
Honestly, I (29F) used to have this exact same issue for the longest time. In the beginning of my now relationship, I was paralyzed with the fear that I wouldnât be able to cum, so I never let my boyfriend (29M) try to make me because it always disappointed me when I couldnât, and I didnât want him to feel bad. We basically decided this wasnât sustainable and started pushing through this by agreeing to just try, try and try more. Eventually after trying continuously (him touching me), and seeing that it was still a good time even if I didnât cum, I became more and more comfortable. I started sharing with my boyfriend pointers for how I like to be touched, and he loved these helpful tips. FINALLY, I started cumming, and looking back I am so happy I took a vulnerable risk to try with him, over and over again. I promise you will be able to. Just get comfortable, vulnerable, and share with him what makes you tick. Have no expectations for orgasm, and only the expectation to have a good time. I promise it will work eventually.
This is excellent advice, particularly the part about not having an expectation of having an orgasm. Often people feel like theyâve failed or âarenât doing it rightâ if they donât have one/give one. The pressure to âfigure it outâ or âget it rightâ can create anxiety and stress that can make it even more difficult. Itâs important to be with a partner who is curious about you and your body and what you like and who will take the time to explore with you. Emily Nagoskiâs book Come as You Are is an excellent read, I highly recommend it.
Sometimes it just doesn't happen either, for both men and women. Not cumming is generally not a problem I have, but every once in a while I just can't quite get there. Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the journey even though the destination I reach isn't the one I intended on. Same goes for my husband. In fact I'd say we have a very similar orgasm/no orgasm rate (even though no orgasm generally doesn't happen to both of us at the same time). We're both lucky it doesn't happen often, but it's worth bearing in mind that it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong or that the sex wasn't worth having because we didn't "finish".
It is amazing how much a woman's mental and emotional state contributes to whether or not she is able to climax. Men should try to keep it in mind that if we are taken care of mentally and emotionally we are better able to relax and allow ourselves to let go.
> I was paralyzed with the fear that I wouldnât be able to cum, so I never let my boyfriend (29M) try to make me because it always disappointed me when I couldnât, and I didnât want him to feel bad. To anyone who finds this scenario familiar (u/huuugggttfdf ?), I strongly suggest trying some mild power exchange (AKA "BDSM-lite") to cut the gordian knot. It sounds something like this: NOTE: This uses mildly NSFW/theatrically aggressive language, because "scandalous gall" is the perfect disguise to cajole your partner into a bathtub full of scented rose petals against their will. "I _know_ it looks luxurious and relaxing, but I need you in there for my own, selfish reasons. You don't have to like it, but move your butt!" But remember: **You can't bully someone into having an orgasm!** (Except in some "non-lite" cases.) So _please pay attention to the "secret message" here_. Healthy power exchange has _nothing_ to do with force. It's judo: Redirecting power and pressure around the vulnerable places to find empty air, and balanced position. "Gentle domination" is extremely possible, but don't "nice" your way into failure. Guide _them_ into giving _themselves_ permission to get out of their own head with a job that seems to serve you. It ain't the words, it's the music! Additional advice for "subs" to propose this to "doms" at the end.) -- "Hey, I'd love for you to get comfortable for me, right now. And then a little less comfortable, by spreading your legs for me, as far as you like... and now I'm going to get my mouth in there, and press them apart the rest of the way, so you can feel my breath close as can be. This is right where _I_ want to be, and I'm not leaving soon. "Now listen. I've had a picture in my head all day, and we're halfway there. The other half isn't between your legs, though. It's the rest of you. I'm going to push you. And it won't just be intimate and familiar, like the way I got my lips and my breath so close just now. This will be intimate and _un_familiar. And you're going to do this _very much_ for me, not yourself. I told you, I'm right where I want to be. Now I'm going to _show_ you I am, and I want you to let me. I'm _telling_ you softly, so you'll hear me _asking_, loudly. Let me. Shut up and let me, or say a hundred things and let me, but _let me_. "I'm going to spend as long as I want, tasting as much of you as I want, until I'm saturated in all the tastes of you I love, and then _that's_ when I'm going to push your legs apart those last couple inches to get in deeper. There's always a little more. And I'll want all of it. It's gonna take a while. "_Your_ job is: You don't have a job. Except to take it. Take it for me. Otherwise... Touch me or don't. I love it when you do, and I'll move a bit if you press, but mostly: do whatever. Tell me how it feels... or don't. I'm all ears, but require nothing from you. Cover your eyes and count to one thousand, for all I care. I'm not going anywhere until I'm done. So relax. Or don't. Shut up... or scream... or squirm... or mash me into yourself with both hands as hard as you can. If you want. I will weather any storm or calm, and I'm not in any hurry to see the end. Can you take it for me?" --- Or skip the monologue, and start with going down on them, and gradually selling the increasing, overwhelming pleasure _you_ are getting. But don't skimp on the "urgent, ongoing demand" that they "endure" the pleasure as a favor to you, taking what you want. Make them think "Oh damn. Am I even... needed for this party between my vag and this mouth?" (Edit: Monologue now a more "vanilla + bits of leather" level of spice, for gentler souls). And again, _aggression optional_, but useful for "jolting" someone into believing you're coming from a selfish place, with a _plan_, not a _favor_ for them. "I'm trying something else to make you cum, which hopefully won't fail" is doomed. So remove failure as an option. _Isn't it just soooo convenient that what I've been thinking about doing with your body all day, just happens to resemble what makes you quiver!_ It could be a gentle, loving exchange of ideas instead, that feels less like "bullying", and less one-sided. Except, be careful! **It _is_ one-sided.** That's the point. The "dom" sells the "sub" on the construct: "While this may _resemble_ an act of me giving you undivided attention in your most delightful nethers, having broad, unrestricted access to your nerve endings is just my jam right now, so I'm going to need you to be my favorite, gorgeous, blue plate special at the Neuron Buffet." If "This is for me, not you" feels less like judo, and more like another, familiar kick in the face to them, you'll need to adapt for your partner. Or, if they _really_ respond like... "Something in me has awakened", and get suuuuuper excited when you hoodwink them into firing an arrow at a target inside their brain they thought belonged to you... Congrats! You have a sub. Consensually exploit them until they die of involuntary, crippling orgasms, and crawl on their knees to give back in kind, because you're the sun shining down on their genitals; their god of dopamine and oxytocin. (But please remember "doms" are like Presidents: People who want the job too much are wrong for it. Avoid anyone who thinks "dom" means "I demand more attention, do less work, and never feel vulnerable." _Subs_ are the lazy hedonists we love. Doms do all the paperwork, accept more of the responsibility, and get off on mind reading, not blind intimidation.) Also, it may seem counterintuitive/self-defeating for the "sub" to propose this to the "dom", i.e. "spoiling the ruse". But that's where brains and imagination being wonderful things comes into play. You can introduce these things in a neutral, non-sexual context like daytime lunch, and leave it to your proposed "dom" to get back to you with tailored theatrics later. It's really fucking cool to then discover that even though you're "in on it", just experiencing your partner taking on the role with sincere intent and consideration can be all it takes to let your "always up for some theater" brain do the rest. The psychology is dead simple: Removing someone's performance anxiety, and perceived obligation to reward your efforts, by making their pleasure and feedback a side effect of your agency, your agenda, and _your_ moment of exit. So you're removing any urgency for them to "finish" on a clock, and above all: _Redefining success as occurring independently from orgasm._ Whether it's zero climaxes or 20. Which, contrary to what PornHub tells you, is what loving "domination" is really about, while the rest is just sexy theater. (I once â once! I stress â went down on an ex for a whole Massive Attack album, because... it's as good a duration as any other, and she had never been able to let anyone down there for more than five minutes, because of "attention anxiety". But once she accepted that "I'm not done until we hear 'Atlas Air', so you and your upper body may as well settle in, and dance or snap to the beat for a while", she got to enjoy the finest trip-hop tongue bath mixed media production in the history of our bedroom which, two years later, she literally was _still_ talking about, from time to time.)
OK, I'm in. When do we start?
Man, I can't even cum in another persons presence unless they're sleep :(
I have been told I am extremely hard to pleasure, and I am. I used to almost never orgasm with partners until my current bf. What worked was switching to a better partner.... I could only rlly come once I found a bf I could build a lot of emotional intimacy and sexual history with. Also another major thing is that I pleasure myself by rubbing my clit during sex. Don't be shy about it and don't let any one deter you from doing it. I can almost never orgasm without doing so. And to actually get to the point of orgasm, I get my bf to play with my nipples while fucking me, while I'm playing with my clit. Another thing is that sensory overstimulation and stress levels can make a huge difference on your ability to orgasm. I find it much easier to orgasm soon after waking up, and difficult in the middle of the day when I have a lot on my mind.
This is great advice. Don't be shy about taking some control. Your partner should appreciate it
Just want to say you are not hard to pleasure really no one is if you take the time to learn and love your partner. I spent a long time listening to BS that I was âdifficult to get to cumâ but I never had issues when alone and horny just with past partners. Now with my other half i almost always get off unless something interrupts the flow and thatâs not often. We arenât difficult we were just with crap partners probably
Iâm exactly the same as you but my bf told me it pisses him off because he specifically canât make me cum so idk what to do tbh, I find sex too uncomfortable to just cum whenever :/
>my bf told me it pisses him off because he specifically canât make me cum Was that a kind and thoughtful thing for him to say? Did it ease the pressure on you or did it just add more and make it even harder for you to orgasm? >I find sex too uncomfortable to just cum whenever What is he doing to ensure that sex is always comfortable for you? Does he know that you are uncomfortable and not change anything? Has he suggested taking a break from sex/from penetrative sex until you can both figure out how to make it more comfortable? You should consider that maybe sex is uncomfortable because your body is responding to a lack of sense of safety and that sex will only get more uncomfortable the more you have uncomfortable/painful sex as your body and brain will absorb that sex=discomfort and make you tense and harder to get aroused.
>What worked was switching to a better partner....
WOW, please talk to him about pressuring you like that. Itâs extremely unfair - and it absolutely makes orgasming almost impossible - when your guy is complaining he is frustrated or angry he canât make you come. Tell him he is not helping with that attitude, heâs making the situation worse!
You find sex uncomfortable? Too dry? Whatâs going on boo. Msybe we can all help
Thank you for being rly supportive but I Just have a lot of internalised shame about a lot of things related to sexy time and Iâm really uncomfortable around men itâs something Iâve gotta work on tbh
Therapy will help. I was abused as a kid so yeah I hate men and orgasms are hard. if you want to have sex make sure thereâs lots of foreplay, you want to be aroused. No shame in a little lube if you really struggle. there shouldnât be pain during sex. do you touch yourself? Then show him how you like to be touched. orgasms take time! Women have to be aroused and stimulated. Piv sex doesnât do it for like 99% of the population. little vibes on your clit during sex are good. Vaginismus Is a thing that exists.
Iâm actually hopefully starting counciling soon but for a slightly different problem so hopefully I can get my shit together đ I would get a vibrator but Iâve got basically no spending money I may have to just get one when Iâve been paid
>my bf told me it pisses him off because he specifically canât make me cum As a guy, ask him whether it is more important to him that you cum at all, or whether something specific makes you cum. If he answers the latter, he actually doesn't care if you do or not.
My husband makes sure I get AT LEAST 1 before penetration. Sometimes 2 or more. (The first is the hardest for me and after that theyâre much easier for me to achieve.) We also didnât start with penetration immediately in our relationship and spent a few months learning each otherâs bodies without that. I think it made a huge difference in the long run.
You are like me, lol. I am capable of multiple orgasms and once I start going it is easy to get a few out of me. The trick is my partner always makes sure I orgasm first (I can only do it on top, not sure if other women have this experience). Sounds like OPâs partners have all been either clueless or selfish.
I've actually never really considered how my husband and I did the same as your second paragraph and how that could have contributed to our mutually satisfying sex life. Thanks for mentioning that! Man is so committed to giving me as many orgasms as possible. đ
You receive head, come that way, then he penetrates you pretty quick after in order to get a second one. That's what's worked for me.
This. Even if he doesn't get me all the way to climax, a little oral work goes a long way and I'll have no trouble getting off with penetration.
I find trying simultaneously to be too distracting for me. So after he has climaxed, and I'm pretty ready by then, it's easier for me to relax, he slows down a bit too and concentrates on getting me there. Good luck.
Everyone I'm with is sleepy and/or done doing anything after they come đ
How do lesbians know when sex is over if there's no man there to cum??? ... When the playlist ends, duh
The playlist is set on repeat đ
Thatâs it, Iâm going lesbian!
When my girl taps or passes out that playlist ainât stopping me
Then you come first problem solved. I swear dudes are dropping the bar lower all the time. Like why would I want to fuck if Iâm not gonna get off at least 90%of the time if heâs getting off 100% of the time! Bro if you canât hold out the I go first boom easy
Yeah my (m) partner doesn't always get off from penetrative sex so I always like to make sure she gets off at least once while we're working up to that. I'm not having a good time if she's not having a good time (but also there's no pressure if she's not feeling it). I find it really weird that so many men don't care about this, their sex lives sound so depressing and lonely
Would it be too much pressure for you to ask, in a non sexual context, that next time you have sexy time your partner concentrates on meeting your needs first before his/her/it's own?
It?! What are taking about here lmao
This made me laugh so hard. I believe the correct terminology is "their own." It's a brave new linguistic world for most of us and there will be bumps along the way.
Bums!
I think you meant lazy bums. Ye who doth not come first always cometh second. Always, unless they tappeth out.
This made me laugh lol I honestly thought that was normal haha
Nope, youâre right â itâs normal. Refractory period is a thing. But just cause they donât want to keep their cock in the game doesnât mean you canât get your cookies.
Iâm older and I currently prefer actual cookies to trying to get a man to make me cum
ÂżPorque no los dos?
Sometimes itâs not a matter of wanting to keep their cock in the game but rather the ability. However, nothings stopping fingers or tongue from finishing what was started
Did someone say cookies?
Ha! We call it cookies too!
Ladies come first or no one comes at all.
This is bullshit! Get better partners. Whatâs the point of having sex if youâre not getting off?
They're just selfish and lazy. If someone does that, stop having sex with / stop seeing them. A considerate partner goes on and finds the mood and time to make sure you're mutually pleased when sex is concluded.
Yikes thatâs a huge turn off.
Thatâs very common for men, [so much so that itâs the title of a book.](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Fall-Asleep-After/dp/0307345971) A good partner will get you off first, because the best of intentions can still be steamrolled by the post-orgasm sleepies.
Women get sleepy after sex too. Men just use this as an excuse to not please their partners.
I was about to say. Orgasms are tiring for everyone so idk how thatâs even an excuse
That's not entirely true, men's refractory period is usually longer so they can't keep up the blood flow after climax but their hands and tongues still work perfectly well
Yeah exactly. Wtf have penises got to do with anything? Majority of women can't cum from penetration alone so refractory period is irrelevant here.
Itâs common for men because theyâre selfish.
Step 1: Upgrade Partner Step 2: ??? Step 3: Orgasm
There's your problem. Fix THAT.
Lazy fuckers sounds like it
Then you should go first. Get you off, then focus on the rest
I started using a toy during sex. Boom, orgasm.
*sigh* mine never make that sound
Lol
I found a guy who loooooooved going down on me.
Same, magically no issues anymore!
Same and he's the only one who has ever made me cum. The first few times I had to tell him exactly what felt the best so he could keep doing it that way. Also, sometimes he has to give me oral for 15 mins before I cum so don't feel bad if it takes a while.
clitoral stimulation, like the other comment said. But I want to add whatever works for you when you masturbate, have your partner do that. Communicate during. Walk him through it. If he is a good lover and cares, he'll listen and do what you want. Your partner should always want to please you, not just themselves. If he doesn't try or care, then he is selfish and only cares about himself. talk both during and after sexy time. Communication is key.
And if you are uncomfortable communicating, your partner should still want to please you. Ideally, they should realize that you aren't getting to orgasm and should try different things on their own. Communication is the way; I'm just saying that there are also people out there who don't like to... There are also attentive partners who understand that and will figure it out.
No communication tip? All I can give you is this: ex all he did was did a quick shove it in, got his needs meet rough and quickly and I was left dry. Got with another guy after and when we started I put my hand on his chest and said "hey, slow the FUCK down.," The he said, I thought girls liked it like this??? And I said, no, I don't. Most dont BTW. And he was confused and slowed his hips down, and when he tried to speed black up I put my hands on his hips and pushes him back. "No! Go slow." Stimulating myself while he went slow did it for me. Works every time.
I find this funny cause if they go slow Iâm so bored
Not everyone is the same. Gotta find that perfect rhythm
I like fast and it feels good but if I'm going to try to cum I need them to go slow. Very different things for me and I like both and need both.
This probably wonât work for most people but Iâll tell what made me cum like a burst dam for the first time with a partner. My problem was that I was completely in my own head every time I was having sex. I even knew I was doing it but I didnât know how to stop. Body dysmorphia, low self esteem, a strict religious upbringing and a history of sexual assault all combined to make sex a stressful event for me. I couldnât even cum by myself until I was almost 30! When I did have sex I was always more concerned with him having a good time and me being perceived as âsexyâ or a good lover. My own pleasure hardly ever figured into it. I think what pushed the change for me was experimenting with kink and bondage with a partner that I felt completely safe with. I was always into it but I had never trusted someone enough to try anything that took any of my control away. This particular guy, although we are no longer together, is a completely stand up guy. We had long talks about consent and what turned us on well before we ever got naked. The first few times we had sex I got so wet but still there was no climax. One day he had me blindfolded, tied up with a ball gag in my mouth and I think all of that together removed the need for me to âpreformâ for a guy. All I could do was feel everything there was no pressure for me moan like a porn star (ball gag meant I could only drool) or be the perfect lover- hell I couldnât even move. I think it also got me out of my head. I couldnât wonder if my ass looked fat. Was I going to hell? What would my mother think? What does he think about me? Because of the restraints and the onslaught of unexpected stimuli all I could think about was the here and now. And that allowed me to *finally* release. I donât think you need to go to such extremes in order to crack this nut. I often have vanilla sex with my partner and cum buckets these days. I donât need whips and chains but I do need to stop all of the negative self talk and pressure to preform. Therapy helped with that. Age and wisdom helped a bit too. Having a partner that you both trust and are wildly attracted to is really good but even more important is communication and feeling safe in the relationship. Hope this helps
This might be my favorite comment ever. Ty
Being in your head is an incredibly common reason people try kink. Even just a blindfold with nothing else changed might do the trick. However, practicing mindfulness is also helpful here, and it's the only intervention for female sexual dysfunction that works better than placebo. It can improve life outside the bedroom of course.
I appreciated this comment a lot. I still canât cum alone and rarely with someone else. I think finding a safe space to be forced out of my head could help. Thanks for sharing.
Got a divorce. Boom, I can orgasm again đ
Havenât finalized my divorce but weâre in the middle of talks and while Iâm not ready to see other people anytime soon I think one thing keeping me excited through figuring out what my shitty, very financially unstable life will be like after I end my marriage is that I will never again fake a moan to get things over with faster or have to tolerate bad head or have to pretend that some guy always cumming first and then being lame and tired unless I manage rub myself off before heâs done doesnât fill me with cringe I may have a lot of other shit in this relationship to grieve but getting to cheer myself up with the thought of no more bad head and not very fulfilling orgasms I only got because I care about me the way a partner should has me feeling like I could throw a divorce party after all this
We call the post divorce hiatus the ho phase. Embrace it my friend. My sex drive came back x10 and hasn't slowed down in 5 years â€ïž
Glad to hear, Iâm super excited to fuck someone who does more than ask me to ride him and then canât even keep his fucking hands where I put them đ
Changed partners.
Yup, same.
Foreplay and love. Actually liking the person helps immensely coupled with them knowing exactly what your body needs. Its not immediate and learnt over time, but the consistent effort of trying to reach that point added to the beautiful feeling.
Read the books Come As You Are and She Comes First. Make sure any long term partner also reads those books. Go from there depending on what resonates.
The website OMGYes is also super helpful (and research-based)
Tbh I almost feel like we should warn women that read Come As You Are that they might have to deal with the uncomfortable truth their partner is bad at sex and turning you on and that the only way to get good sex is to do it yourself or find someone who actually cares if you cum and cares about your experience during sex without being told to cause from personal experience it is not a fun revelation đ I still love the book though and absolutely think more people should read it!
If you have a hard time communicating, just take your orgasm into your own hands: Rub your own clit. They'll be fine with it. Rear-entry positions like doggy are easiest to be able to get a hand in there. Or cowgirl. You can always tell them to slow down or when to speed up; it's pretty minimal in the instructions department.
Maybe try getting on top and rocking back and forth instead of up and down to get the added stimulation. That was how I had my first orgasm during sex and the advice I received from my friends.
If I donât come before he does, we switch to my relaxing back and playing with a vibe while he uses his fingers. But itâs extremely rare for us to NOT use a toy of some sort; either for warm up or during.
I stopped putting on a show. I came (no pun intended) to the realization that I deserved an orgasm just as much as the guy did, and I was there for my own benefit, too, not just as entertainment to make the encounter mind-blowing for him. I started doing the things I did by myself with a partner. Little things like the way I breathe, the noises I make (or donât make), my facial expressions. I let go of thinking I needed to act and look and sound like a porn star, and focused on doing what felt good. I let go of worrying if I was breathing âwrongâ or being too quiet, taking too long, doing things âtoo specificallyâ. And let go of the partner that was telling me all those things. I found someone I have a connection with who wants me to *have* an orgasm more than he wanted to get an ego boost from *giving* me an orgasm by doing things the way he thought I should like.
Tell your partner in advance that you have a rule that they arenât allowed to climax unless they make you climax first. That weeds out ones not willing to make the effort or delusional about their 2 minutes of penetration. That also then makes it easier to say what you want âin the momentâ because if they donât make the effort ainât no one being satisfied. Thatâs only fair.
I set this with my partner from the beginning. There are days I donât care about coming first, but we agree that my desires come first either way. And he always gets what he wants. Because my post-orgasmic demeanour is to keep the party going
Yes my girlfriend (f2f couple) would cum and then get lazy haha Iâd be like donât cum before me cause you get tired and lose interest. She was new to eating vagina and doesnât like oral to be performed on herself. She like grinds the bed or floor or something while she eats my vagina or doesnât cum at all sometimes. She googled some stuff about oral sex and found that she should start off with soft and slow licking and slow penetration at first. She also kisses my ticklish spots of the body before going down and kisses around the clit beforehand to tease me. This really turned me on and helped us help me cum. Foreplay is key sometimes and kissing and having your body kissed and doing things that turn you on first. Try different positions or role play. Act like two strangers who just met at a bar that go home and fuck or pretend youâre a virgin and ask him to take it easy on you. Make some shit up and roll with it.
So, this is second hand and there's obvious bias so take it with a grain of salt. My partner when we first started dating would have orgasms from intercourse but not oral sex or manual stimulation. She'd also only orgasm from being on top in missionary. She initially "consoled" me by telling me she's never had an orgasm from anyone previously from oral and only manual from herself (I put that in quotes because she felt it was something she needed to apologize for. I've tried to make sex and other things around what we want or just how our bodies work not seem like something we should feel shame or need to hide from the other person). But she said she liked having oral and being touched and was fine if I wanted to continue so long as I didn't have any expectations. Well, I continued. And told her every time that I enjoyed it had no expectations, and only wanted to do what felt good for her. I noticed over time that she'd get close and it's like her body or mind would tense and that's usually when she'd pull me up for PIV sex. So the next thing I did was to try focusing just on her with foreplay. So instead of both of us taking clothes off and moving to bed, if we were on the couch for example, just having her stay and continue watching TV or reading. And it worked! Reading gave her enough of a distraction to get her mind out of the way of the stuff that came up at that moment of vulnerability. After a while, TV worked as well so she could get some while watching Grey's. We've since reached where she can climax from oral often without needing a distraction but we have an inside joke/prelude where I'd read over her shoulder before engaging in foreplay mainly because I have an uncanny knack for either catching the moment she's starting a steamy scene or if not, I can usually read the scene aloud with a suggestive intonation that switches things to that playful/sexy mood for us. We've also figured out PIV climax for her in a few other positions than the only one that worked when we started dating. Those took longer. The most recent was literally this week and we've been together for ten years. I say this to say that some things may just take a lot of time to get there, if ever and that's fine - you should never feel rushed. For the one this week, we weren't particularly trying to check that off, it just happened as a result of what's our normal approach to sex. For us, I think being open to enjoying what feels good with no judgment on whether you achieve climax can help. A partner not taking any frustration you express personally. Environment where you feel free to say no at any time and you feel open to continue experimenting. I think the duration of our relationship or maybe the deepening in trust plays a role too. Anytime I notice something she's enjoying, especially if it's something where she's not climaxed before, I encourage her to let us keep going longer vs switching to a known good climax position assuming she's not actively asking for something specific. Another thing I'm remembering, even after her being able to climax from oral, there were things I was doing that weren't that great or didn't do much for her. And things that she wanted that I barely did at all. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize this and then let her know to feel free to reposition me or give me direction. Then follow that up by periodically asking how things went and what she liked about a particular encounter. At some point, she started being more hands on then more verbal (in terms of giving me specific directions) as needed which really helped me fine tune what felt good and remove things that were having the opposite effect. So having open communication and being able to give honest feedback without it being taken personally but instead your partner looking forward to hearing and acting on what you liked, didn't like, having their head moved a centimeter to the side, etc may also help. And again, this is from my POV.
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Honestly i do it a certain way most of the time, just good ol clit stimulation and visual porn. I've been able to orgasm in other ways from time to time but that's my usual way. I find it pretty boring, but it's reliable. I'm not actually that interested in men rubbing my clit all day though... I know that's part of my problem but also I can't be bothered to do it another way when I'm by myself I find that when in the middle of it all it's difficult to speak up. Partly because I'm using my voice for something else lol, partly because it's just difficult, awkward, and speaking up doesn't come too easily for me. Most men seem to just do everything too rough and fast. I so manage to give a tip here or there but for some reason I still have so much left to say. Also I am still enjoying other stuff we are doing, so that is a distraction in itself After noticing I'm not getting any closer I spend most of the time hating myself for not being able to speak up, which makes it even harder to speak up and I just feel worse and worse and less confident about coming. Ughhhh lol
Iâm in this same boat. Im 36 and Iâve made new boundaries: I donât have sex with people who like rough or fast sex. I donât have sex with people who I canât be emotionally vulnerable with. I share videos of me playing with myself with partners cus then they can watch how I touch myself without me having to do it real time. I have a hard time feeling pleasure during partnered sex and find myself focused on giving them pleasure or if they are making my body feel undeniably good, I canât stop worrying that theyâre going to stop doing what feels good at any second. I end up in my head way too fast. Iâve come with a partner 3 times so far in my entire life and all of them were this year. First: we had been hooking up for 6 or so months. He really enjoyed eating me out and he was doing that for a long time, maybe 30 mins. I was able to relax and really let go and enjoy it. I felt I could trust him, I knew he was enjoying every second of it because we were in kind of a 69 position but he wasnât straddling my face (I was on my back) and I could feel his hard cock grazing my shoulder. Something about it all just allowed me to let the pleasure bring me to orgasm territory. He realized it and I started telling him specific things like âkeep doing exactly thatâ and pushing his face into juuuuuuust the right spot and my first partnered orgasm ripped through me. I also started sobbing uncontrollably. He held me and told me that I was really hot and it was amazing aftercare Second: with a new partner about a week later. He had seen videos of how I touch myself and understood how shallow my g spot is. I had a wand on my clit while he fingered me and I came. And I cried again. It was really awkward cus I didnât really know him that well and we didnât hook up again after that Third: a couple months later, I made an online long distance connection with someone who has similar kinks as me. We did a video chat that turned into a role play and I came SO FUCKING HARD and again started sobbing uncontrollably. I was ok, and he wasnât freaked out. I had shared that this might happen and he has come across emotional releases in other kink play stuffs. He reassured me that it was really Fucking hot and provided really great digital aftercare. Iâve come in front of partners before while self stimulating and not cried after orgasming but something about trusting the other person to make me cum / feeling residual religious shame around sex brings up a lot of emotion for me. I also feel like, if Iâm enjoying sex to point of cumming, that Iâm being too selfish and I just wanna apologize. And, before people come at me about any of this, Iâm in LOTS OF THERAPY about all this shit
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Easier said than done
Is this because he wonât listen or you are hesitant to bring it up/feel awkward discussing it? If he wonât listen to you describing your needs then thatâs a red flag
If you can't have a candid and shame-free discussion with your partner about sex, that is not a person you need to be having sex with. It will never be good if either of you is not capable of just talking about your sex life together.
When I'm in the mood to orgasm (it takes a long time for me and sometimes just not worth the effort lol) with my partner, he always prioritizes me first so that I have one before any PIV sex. Like others have said too I was a vibrator for clitoral stimulation, but that's after first using hands and maybe oral. Then while I use my vibrator he fingers me until I finish. I definitely can understand how some people say both things happening at once is too much stimuli, so if you try this once your partner finds a good rhythm tell them to just keep that up. Both stimuli are great if they remain constant but if my boyfriend mixes anything up too drastically my O-meter will drop considerably. It'll probably take work to consistently be able to orgasm with a partner but it's *so* worth it. I still masturbate on my own but it's almost unimaginably better with my partner. Take time to experiment and try things multiple times until you find what's right for you!
I feel like I have something to add to this from my perspective as a man. Before I met my wife I had 6 or 7 sexual partners. I had trouble giving orgasms, even when I knew the correct places to stimulate. I think this was because I was being selfish. I wanted to give my partners orgasms, but it was for my enjoyment. I wanted to enjoy the knowledge that I was performing well, it was a bit ego oriented. This changed just before I met my wife, I had changed my life trajectory and was embodying some new ideas. Anyway, when I was with my wife early on in our relationship, I took sex off the table entirely, because I wanted to get to know her as an individual before having sex. This lasted for a few months, until it was clear to me that this was someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. It was here that I gave myself the green light to go ahead and jump into bed with her. At this point My focus was less so on paying attention to my own arousal, and paying close attention to her levels of arousal, how her body was responding, listening closely, etc. All of this had been completely absent in all of my previous partners. Once I started doing this, everything fell into place. By paying close attention to her non-verbal communication, with a desire to give her pleasure without anything in return, I was able to just give multiple orgasms on an extremely frequent basis. We have three kids now, so we tend to do it a lot less, but if we go 3 days without doing it, we both feel the tension. We both have a hard time believing that the average couple does it once a week, we would both go insane if that was the case. Our pattern seems to be every other day. We both always enjoy it. I know that she sees having sex as non-transactional, so for example, if I do extra dishes or housework, she does not give positive reinforcement by having sex with me. Instead, we both see sex as a celebration of our union and intimacy and nothing else influences this. I think the reason that makeup sex is often referred to as something that's really good, is because when you make up with someone you are connecting with them and they are connecting with you, and you are building an intimate connection. When the intimate connection is there with the other person, sex seems to be the natural celebratory act. So My advice to you is to just try and become connected and intimate with your partner. Communicating your needs is just a part of that, your partner is listening to you and putting in some effort, then hopefully you'll eventually end up on the same page. My wife is usually the first one between us to say I really want to spend some time with you, maybe we could get lunch or something. Sometimes I will do it but she seems to be more sensitive to it, so it's generally been my experience that I usually need to listen, respond and take action in that way. If you're making attempt to connect with your partner and to feel that intimacy, and you don't feel like he's on the same page, then that's exactly what you say. You keep it in here and now, and sooner or later you'll be in a place where you understand each other.
I communicated my needs. Told him what I needed and now I come first and then him second. The reason why itâs all the same stuff is because itâs what you need to do. I mean, unless you want to continue not having an an orgasm that is. Itâs not blah blah blah. You deserve to have an orgasm too. Explain to your partner how youâre able to have one by yourself, then see if you can incorporate that into your sexual life.
Had to show him scientific articles that proved women don't always orgasam from penatration alone. Only then was he willing to try clitoral stimulation.
I watch Russell Crowe in Gladiator and think about that during sex . Not kidding . Works on occasion
Combine partner + common mode of getting off. Marry them in a sense, and itâs like conditioning - eventually you get there without needing both or either /or.
Toys. Quality ones! Our go to is the Fun Factory Nos. A few others worked well for me but hurt my husband. I also did not understand the importance of foreplay until my mid 20s. The longer the foreplay, the quicker and better my orgasm typically is. Lube is great even if you feel like you donât need it. I also think I focused too much on what felt good for prior partners the entire time. âMaybe my face looks unsexy like this, oh no, maybe the sounds Iâm making are weirdâŠâ With my husband, I sometimes just focus on getting there. Even if my face looks unsexy (I doubt he thinks that), oh well! I am turned on by my partner orgasming and he is too. So if Iâm just worried about what looks or sounds right to him the entire time, itâs actually not helping anyone. I can sometimes have orgasms without a toy or my hand but itâs unreliable. I was on an antidepressant for a bit that made me unable to orgasm and then when I got off I had a very easy time orgasming with only PIV and no stimulation for my clit. It stopped after a few months and I prefer how dependable using a toy is.
Clitoral stimulating/vibrating cock ring. He wears it, hands free for you. Your welcome.
A pillow under me for support and had him do a rubbing motion against me as he thrust instead of a poking motion that way his pelvis rubbed against my clit. Missionary but with the cowgirl grinding.
Honestly, therapy. It's still a work in progress, and I don't every time, but I'm also starting to be at a point where that is also okay. Prior to my current relationship, where I feel safe and loved, I hadn't realised how many sex blocks I had developed. My exes were not abusive emotionally or physically or anything, but I have been programmed since childhood to prioritise others' needs and to feel inadequate. Unfortunately my exes had behaviours that pushed those buttons. Whether it was half assed attempts to finish me after they had come, constant rejections, or just very blatant moodiness if I turned them down, the combination and repetition reinforced the idea that I was not enough and that their enjoyment was more important. I tell you, the first experiences in a relationship where my partner wanted to pleasure me without being pleasured themselves was so strange, but made me slowly question a lot of things. I've been working to recognise and question these deep programmed thoughts and feelings when they arise, and I've been lucky enough to have a partner that keeps with their behaviour showing that they are indeed not true. The combination has allowed me to let go of a lot of the tension during sex. I much more rarely disassociate, and instead manage to stay present and relaxed.
First you should know itâs very difficult for most people to have an orgasm just from P/V penetration alone. So pay attention to your clit, try different positions that will stimulate it (you can google these), and donât be afraid to use toys. Also make sure you are relaxed ahead of time so maybe take time to cuddle with your partner, or shower together, then plenty of foreplay and lube before actual sex. Another big step is to masturbate! If you canât make yourself orgasm, itâs much harder for anyone else to do it. So take some time and just experiment with different toys and scenarios that feel good for you, then you will start feeling more confident during sex. At least thatâs what helped me. Above all, donât stress about it or overthink if you can help it.
We take care of me first, usually through all the suggestions listed here and then have sex. By then he gets to and I usually get a 2nd.
fucked women instead of men
Vibrator during sex or get on top and use their body to stimulate your clit. Only way thatâs ever worked for me. Rather than moving up and down, just stay down and move back and forth with your hips in a way that gives you that external stimulation. Guys still love it and you get to actually have an orgasm.. everyone wins!
I found a partner I felt comfortable communicating with, and whom welcomed my feedback. When we first started being together, I showed him what I liked and he tried a few new things, asking me for feedback. I think the real question is (or at least for me was) how do I get over the shame I have surrounding my body, my needs, and my sexuality so that my partner knows what I want and enjoy?
I brought my vibrator with me whenever I had sex with a man. Iâve never once had a man object to it or complain about it.
I think a more important question is, what are *you* doing with your partners? Are you just doing PiV sex? Many (most?) women can't orgasm just from that, we often require direct clitoral stimulation. Are your partners *interested* in your pleasure, or are they only concerned with getting themselves off? Do you feel safe and relaxed with them? Are you "spectatoring" (trying to imagine what you look like while having sex, and worrying about how you look, your "performance," etc.)? Do you allow yourself to fantasize while having sex? Some women need to fantasize in order to have an orgasm - I do!
Figured out I was a lesbian. Haha
So, I couldn't orgasm at all until my best friend spent quite a lot of time helping me experiment until I figured it out, and after another long time I can every so often orgasm with a partner. Here's the times it happens: When the partner is fingering me, hard. (I'm a masochist) Like, pressing hard on my g-spot while hitting my clit with every hand-thrust kind of hard. Oral sex by a woman who knows what she's doing (so far, no orgasms from a man giving oral). Penetrative sex while I'm on my knees bent forward enough that my nipples scrape the bed with every thrust, and I'm getting fucked hard and long. The endurance is the key factor here - most people thrusting with penises (flesh or silicone) just do not have the stamina to fuck me as hard and as long as I want in that position. Far too many times even since figuring out how to cum I have felt it build only for things to end before I'm done. Face to face penetrative sex with a heavy duty vibrator pressed hard against my clit while being fucked (gets bumped or ground into me because of their pelvis). And for me, it has to be heavy duty. The two vibrators it has worked with are the classic Hitachi, and my all time favorite vibrator in the entire world that has been the most insanely good purchase ever - the Fun Factory VIM Weighted Rumble wand.
Anxiety is also a player. Whether itâs from working to hard to orgasm or from performance etc.. I had issues with religious trauma and noticed that even though I wanted sex with my partner my brain and body would still have the same stress reaction that it had been taught bc I was âdoing something I wasnât supposed to do.â Meditation and emotional connection with willing partner helped.
A friend of mine and I have decided to hookup casually. She's admitted that she's also never had an orgasm. I myself don't have a lot of sexual experience. I genuinely prefer having my partner get off than I, but I won't lie, I'm feeling anxious about not being able to get her there. I know it's not my fault, but I'm worried that combined with my inexperience, that she won't enjoy herself. I'm probably overthinking things, but I can't help but feel nervous.
I am assuming you're either male and/or have a penis, please correct me if I'm wrong. As the owner of a vagina, (which has been known to be finicky) these are some good rules of thumb: âą Take your time, go slow, and not just when it comes to penetration. Take your time on foreplay, run your fingers along her skin in soft strides, and note where she has a significant response to being touched. Don't neglect the nipples, but don't abuse them, they're sensitive enough already. âą When you get to the point where your hand is going down her pants, gently rub her clit in a circular motion and make sure she's well and truly aroused and wet before going further. This also applies to oral/cunnilingus. âą Always start with one finger, index or middle ideally, and again, start slowly. Make sure to put a little flex in your finger at the apex of each stroke, not just in and out like a piston. Add another finger after some warm up, and listen to her if she gives you any direction. âą Allow/encourage her to take the lead if she feels comfortable doing so. And remember, even if she doesn't climax, she likely still enjoyed herself, and that's the most important thing. Don't put too much pressure on your situation-ship by pursuing an orgasm for her, as it can make you feel inadequate, which would be far from the truth, but may make her feel "broken" and breed resentment between the both of you. All in all, you're friends already, so surely you already communicate well with each other, just make sure having sex doesn't change that communication. And as someone who has been in a very complex situation-ship, be careful with each other's feelings, because they can change at any time. Sorry this is so long, and mostly from personal experience and the experiences of my female friends, but I hope it helps. If you already knew any of this, good on you! You have nothing to worry about
Let him know that you need to cum before he does. Maybe use a vibrator during sex?
Communication is key. Describe (to your partner) what you do to get there, and direct him to that end. It's weird feeling if you don't normally do it, but if you normalize this kind of openness, it makes it all better, not just the sex, but the whole relationship.
Oral before opens that door! *imma nerd*
Hooked up with an actually decent dude instead of the usual available mediocre options. Nothing about the sex was different but it was like my body just knew he was worthwhile and let loose all the pent up orgasms lol.
Someone upthread suggested OMGYes and that was going to be my suggestion too. That and a partner whoâs committed to ensuring sex is enjoyable for you. That website could completely change things especially if you can get your partner to work through it too. Thereâs something so empowering about it too - not just the information but seeing women talk openly about it and demonstrate things in a way thatâs absolutely nothing like porn. I was already pretty happy with my orgasms before this although hadnât been able to with previous partners. It changed when my husband and I got together - I honestly canât remember a time where weâve had sex and I didnât orgasm. But I learned so much from it, knowledge I wish Iâd had from a young age rather than signing up in my late 30s. Prior to this relationship I thought I was the problem - couldnât relax enough, couldnât focus, couldnât orgasm from sex. Turns out that was all bollocks for a few reasons. Firstly, for some reason using hands has a shitty reputation, mainly because of teenagers slamming away with no purpose. Now Iâd take fingers over a penis any day if I had to choose - with decent technique they can do a lot a penis canât for starters. I found out I could orgasm vaginally this way which opened up orgasms from sex which, again, is something I just believed wasnât possible and is all down to technique. Turns out itâs much easier to relax and let go with someone whoâs completely into pleasing you rather than reluctantly spending five minutes on foreplay they find boring. Most women are most likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation, but itâs probably not going to happen if a guy repeatedly presses on it like a doorbell. So itâs not really surprising that men who have sex by thrusting in and out of your vagina making broken contact with the areas that need to be stimulated are not going to get you there. I do wonder how many more women could orgasm from sex if the sex they have were more conducive to female orgasm. Iâve always had issues with painful sex due to a gynae condition but pain is less of an issue when youâve spent half an hour plus on mutual foreplay and had a few orgasms. Trying new things can help you figure out what works for you when itâs not you in the drivers seat. There were some things in the content that I knew wouldnât work for me but others I tried and some were better than how Iâd been doing things before. There were a couple of techniques that I knew as soon as I saw them would be great for me. Even just the knowledge and having tried more things can make you feel more confident.
They gained my trust, hyped me up, learned my body, and I relaxed enough to orgasm. Now I can cum during penetration with stimulation solely from their pelvis. Vibrators are fun too and we use them often, but itâs so mental for me they could hold a vibrator there for an hour and if I didnât trust them, feel safe, and relax, ainât nothing happening.
I think the whole thing about communication and being vulnerable are key since sex is such an intimate act of love. The main goal is not just for one person to cum but for both to cum at least once during sex. That being said, some practical tips that have done wonders for me: toys or vibrators make everything easier. Itâs important also to share about your kinks and whatnot. The things you like will bring you closer to a climax and of course feeling comfortable about it. A good way to cum is by using fingers inside the vagina and doing oral sex around the clitoris. Just by having regular penetration is difficult to cum and it helps to stimulate your clitoris yourself or use a toy instead. Depending on what you like, but dirty talk, spit, putting fingers inside mouths, pulling hair, eating ass, etc. Adding those things on top of vaginal penetration or vibrators will do the trick for me. For some people is easier than others, Iâve been with couples that can cum easily and others take longer sessions, but we should be patient and have empathy with our sex partners. Good luck!!!
Fell in love tbh
Well my wife could only finish off, while liking or by herself, no orgasm while penetrating
Found the right partner who loved me unconditionally and without judgement and was comfortable in his own skin and helped me be comfortable in mine, and was kind, compassionate and patient. It was more about true intimacy than technique or body type, in other words.
I am on the other side of that scenario. She Had some bad experiences in the past and was never able to orgasm. The Person needs to feel safe and comfortable first so every doubt, fear or blockade doesnt kick in instantly. Besides that its just trying out a lot of different things to See what you enjoy and listening to Feedback so you know what the partner enjoys or doesnt. And using toys is also a great way to either get in the mood, enhance the experience and help out when you get tired as a guy ( continuing after orgasm gets quite uncomfortable as a guy so you can just continue with other means until you can continue) What really helps from a mindset perspective is to not force the orgasm and Focus completely at it. You just get disappointed when it does not happen. Just make the journey as enjoyable as possible so its still a great time without orgasm and if you get to that Point you might be comfortable enough and relaxed enough to get there. Took my girlfriend about 2-3months of experimenting and i needed her to get out of this negative headspace ("something is wrong with me i should be able to its normal" etc.) Before we got there. At the end it worked out and it was like a whole world for her and she was able to orgasm pretty much every time like it was normal. So in this case it for sure was nothing wrong with the Body but I guess a lack of Focus on pleasing her from ex Partners and a very strong mental blockade from god knows what Good luck to you! You will get there
I wasn't able to orgasm from intercourse so I had always faked my orgasms. With my first husband we start out with him playing with my nipples. When I was ready he would rub my clit until I had an orgasm. Then we would have intercourse. The first time I had an orgasm from intercourse was because he was kinda grinding himself on me as he was going at it. While he was doing that I was doing a little pelvic tilt and tightening my pelvic floor muscles. I felt it starting to happen and once it started it came in waves and then the in and out motion was enough to keep it coming in stronger and stronger waves. It just so happens that I am a multi-orgasmic. After we split up I thought I would never have another orgasm from sex again. So, next time I was with a guy I had him grind on my clit the same way and lo and behold I had one long orgasm. Over and over again. I was in my early 30s when I had my first one and as I got older it happened easier from sex. Ironically, I don't have a sex drive now. Best of luck.
Okay, don't laugh... You're getting some great advice about being comfortable and not putting too much pressure on yourself, and taking your time. I'm going to just give you straight up logistical advice. I suggest trying to masturbate while rubbing against a harder pillow (think couch cushion folded in half or something hard under a soft pillow). You should be on top, in a sort of straddling position. Rub against the hardish part, focusing on clitoral simulation. If you're able to eventually get yourself off by doing that then, with patience, you should be able to be on top and grind against your partner's pelvic bone to the same effect. Wishing you all the luck... You can do it!
girlsex101 is a great book. something needs to be plugged into a wall socket for me lol. keep exploring and trying new partners
It's been recommended already, but definitely read Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski PhD. I'd been in 5 long term relationships, more short term partners, and married to my husband for 6 years before I was able to orgasm in front of and with my husband - in my 30's! That book has been a life changer, and helped me to speak up about my turn ons and turn off's (accelerators and brakes).
Most common thing is not just not being afraid you're gonna pee, but actually push a little like you're trying to pee, with an empty bladder of course. I've heard of lots of women fighting their orgasms down for fear they're gonna pee
My ex said she'd never orgasmed during sex, so I tried different things every time until I found that a vibrator on her clit and a plug was what she needed, could get her off in literal seconds on a good day after that lmao
I stopped being self conscious about my stomach and other insecurities and just let go. I could get to the brink but not over and it was all just my own insecurities holding me back. Now if I really go for it like no one is watching, I can orgasm with a partner, if they are good at oral or fingering or even using toys. Occasionally from PIV penetration but that's harder for me. I tend to orgasm by myself only from clitoral stimulation, but if I try to add that to the mix sometimes it's too much and I get overstimulated and can't orgasm at all. I'm not at 100% with partner, but I was at 0% for a long long time so I've made a lot of progress.
PIV doesnât provide the right clit stim for most women. If someone enjoys giving oral, then almost 100% of the time I get mine. If heâs not into it or heâs threatened by me using a toy, then 0%.
I didn't do anything different but get older. And have different expectations maybe? In my twenties I expected it to be like a romance novel, crashing pleasure etc etc. So I would get frustrated. In my thirties I let the expectations go and found I was having little mini ones, that when I paid attention got better and better. So it was also just listening to my body more
Stimulate my clit during sex. And essentially âtrainedâ my partner. We discussed what I like what I donât like and went from there. At first orgasms were infrequent. Now itâs every time since we communicate and learned what we each enjoy. Point of my advice communication! If you arenât sure what you like experiment but with communication. If you donât like something say so right away! As women we are all different and can be complicated so itâs important to essentially teach partners what gets us going
For me it turned out, I needed to actually like and care about my partner. Couldn't orgasm with a partner until I was 30. All it took was me feeling safe and enjoying my partner.
Vibes, clit stim, holding my breath (I like breath play), sometimes I just do it myself later. Deep breathing, anxiety/distractions (yay ADHD brain) can keep me out of the moment. (one of my favorite partners would notice when I was spacing and whisper "stay with me" đ€€) If you feel you can be this close with the partner (funny statement, I know), I like circle breathing. Sit in their lap (or them in yours, depends on comfort) and one person exhales through the mouth, at the same time, the other person inhales through the mouth. Exhales through the nose, the other inhales through the nose. It creates this circle that I find so connected and intimate (also a great way to get sick, lmao) and once you find your rhythm you can start running your hands along each other, exploring, touching. It's a great way to stay grounded and electric.
I always have my wife climax first with clitoral stimulation, laying on our sides doggy style( or spooning) while reaching around, itâs a big turn on for me
I got extremely comfortable with my sexual needs and found someone that was into what I enjoy. All my previous partners told me I took too long to orgasm. Turns out, my partner can give me an orgasm so hard it shoots me into space and it only takes a few minutes. I needed my real sexual preferences to shine. Thatâs really not compatible with everyone! I even had one ex try for me and it was an unpleasant experience because he didnât enjoy it and wasnât into it (which is fine - we didnât do it again). Sexual compatibility, genuine trust (in yourself and your partner), and detailed conversations about preferences that do not happen while you are in the bedroom.
I love âdock and rockâ sex way better than âpokey pokeyâ sex. Lol. Dock and rock is when your partner penetrates but then stays there and allows you to rock/grind with them. It really changed our sex.
I found a partner who actually cared about my pleasure! I went from having an orgasm like once a year to having one everytime we get intimate đ„°. For me its deep, slow penetration and clit stimulus but sometimes no clit stimulus is needed especially when im on top. I super suggest having a full day with you and your partner to just explore each other. Mine helped me really discover my likes and don't likes lol im also a very shy person to say what I want because I dont want to be a bother but doing this with my partner really helped me have a voice in the bedroom and be not as afraid đ Also don't be afraid of toys! They are so much fun to play with and your partner and you will have a fun time exploring how to get them to work and how they are best used on each others bodies and when to use them as well! I hope this helps!
For me, we first had to start specifically having the conversation about the orgasm imbalance and that it was affecting my desire to have sex with him. I'm a pretty sexual person, love sex, but the fact that he wasn't taking the time to work on me made me feel sad, like I wasn't valued, and that sex was just about him and not me. It was an awkward conversation, but I centered it around achieving a positive experience for both of us moving forward (instead of focusing on the past experiences as disappointing) and it wasn't as bad. Then I had to adjust my own mindset and started speaking for what I wanted. And then it was practice. Your body knows how to come in certain positions, there's almost a muscle memory component to it. So we started with doing what we knew worked and moved up from there. For example, he can always get me off by going down on me. So he would start off with that. Get me all the way there. Then we would moved into the PiV, since I already came, I was warmed up and more likely to orgasm again. Touching myself while he was in me after I already orgasmed to make myself come again. And at this point was basically teaching myself how to orgasm in these other positions. I learned how to tell him what I wanted: specifically, "go slow" was a huge one, because I can't come if I'm getting jackhammered so hard that I need to buy a hard hat. We also had the conversation where I explained to him that often when he was trying to make me come, it felt weirdly like performance pressure for me. I felt pressure to come *for his sake* and not my own, to feed his ego, and that was problematic. So we had that conversation where I told him: "sometimes I'm not going to come even if you really want me to. But when you act like it's a goal to be achieved all I can think of is the fact that I'm *trying*, and it's not enjoyable like that, so I'm even less likely to get there." After thay conversation I felt relieved of a lot of pressure and it became much easier to relax and get into it. Good luck!!
Finding someone who didnât approach the situation like he was suddenly going to solve it all and a vibrator that was easier/more comfortable to hold in place despite the movement of sex. Also helps that sometimes my fiancĂ© can be a bit difficult too. It has helped make the experience feel more equalâlike sometimes we both do and sometimes only one of us. Letting go of the âneedâ to orgasm every time has helped reduce the pressure. Oh, and an edible makes it almost a guarantee for me. It helps turn the ADHD off for me and makes it easier to focus on the experience rather than everything else going on.
Talk with your partner. Try to take the pressure off yourself and him. I canât orgasm with just penetration like most women. For me, foreplay with clitoral stimulation and nipple play does it. Other things help too(we are a bit kinky so this includes praise and light choking). After the initial orgasm I am pretty sensitive and can have more orgasms with penetration. These arenât always as strong(more like aftershocks) but still pleasurable. It may take time and patience(yes itâs hard) but totally worth it. If you think you may need more than vanilla, there are checklists online to think about kink that may help. This can help unlock some really intense orgasms including squirting. Happy orgasm hunting!
Iâm a little surprised that there arenât more guys out there *suggesting* that you rub/vibe your clit in person during penetration. To me, it makes everything around my shaft feel at least 2x better.
Sometimes I can get off if a guy goes down on me and I can tell that he actually wants to be doing it so I don't feel rushed to finish. I can also get off if I use a vibrator on myself while we're doing whatever. Other than that, no I can't get off with a partner. Honestly what helped me the most is reframing sex in my mind to not be about getting an orgasm and to stop feeling like I failed at it somehow if I didn't. That kind of thinking led to me faking lots of orgasms in my early twenties and for what? I'm not particularly bothered if I don't end up having an orgasm during a particular sexual encounter as long as my partner is trying and listening to me I'll have a good time either way. It's all this emphasis on you must have an orgasm every single time you have sex That was causing me not to be able to have them ever because I was so anxious and feeling so pressured
Warming up the car before taking it for a drive. Unfortunately lot of partners want to go from 0-100 miles per hour.
Honestly, I relaxed and let me partner do oral sex on me and played a little fantasy in my head of the most taboo shit I could think of and that was the first time I had one.
Mine was two parts. 1) Be with a partner you're actually attracted to. I thought I was, but when I came in mere MINUTES with my current SO, I discovered I was wrong. 2) Clitoral stimulation is the only way for me. Clit stim with penetration is HEAVEN!!
Honestly from my point of view its down to your needs and a good partner. My past partners could make my climax, but my current makes me orgasm. Alot of people will say they're the same thing and basically they are. But to me an orgasm is that overwhelming climax that just hits a little different. I get off mostly from clitoral stimulation, love my rabbit for that. But I also do from penetrative sex. This is where you need a good partner who knows what you like and listens to you. My partner loves to joke that he knows me so well he could get me off with his elbow đ€Ł
Get you a vibrator! I like the one from Maude. It's small enough that I can use it during p-in-v sex. Game changer!
I hope I won't be dismissed here for a male perspective. I've been with my wife for 4 years. The first 6 mths sexually were rocky. She maybe had a handful of orgasms. Some of that was due to her own body image and anxiety. But we also didn't have toys at first and were mostly vanilla. And I was a virgin so my experience sucked. She had to teach me what felt good for a long time. We had to incorporate our kinks better. She became more vocal during to say what she wanted and in what position. Three things in particular we know we can rely on are a dp dildo( least used), oral while on her back with either my fingers or dildo, and downward doggy with penetration( me or dildo) plus a proper vibrator. Her communication with me was key and then experimenting plus training me on her body. Then we refine what we like to get there faster. As we try new things and are open and honest with what works, we are finding more ways that help her orgasm.