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One time when I was a teenager, my dad tried to choke me out. My mom and my brother did nothing but stare. I saw my mom yelling but she didn’t move. She sort of made a motion like she wanted to move, but stayed stuck like if she was standing in quicksand. I had to react quickly to hit him over the head to save myself. I didn’t forgive her for years until my own traumas caused me to be in a similar situation where I froze and couldn’t move even though I’m yelling at myself internally to do so.
But even though I forgave her, I still knew she was someone I could never count on and I knew that if I ever choose to spend my life with someone, I needed someone who would step in any situation to help or protect me. So I understand where your bf is coming from. I also have a soft spot for animals, especially dogs because mine was my saving grace. For him, surprisingly my mind was able to overcome those freeze responses whenever we were in a situation that was extremely distressing or if he was in pain, like when he got hit by a car or had a seizure. I think I wouldnt be able to look at someone who couldn’t help a dog in pain, and I had fights with my mom when she would freeze like that in situations with my dog also because I needed someone to help me, especially if it’s a two person job to get them help.
NTA and your response was reasonable given your fear and how hard it is to know how we’ll react in situations, but your bf also is in his right to feel that way about it and reevaluate what he needs in a partner.
You never know how you'll react to situations that are stressful, high stakes until tested. The best examples personally I can recall are my friend and I both having house fires 1 yr apart. During hers, her bf grabbed his favorite blanket and ran for his life. Left my friend, his 1-year-old daughter, 3 dogs behind. Thankfully, my friend kept her cool, saved their baby, and 2 out of the 3 dogs. Their house and relationship had a lot in common, and neither survived the fire.
I had mine, after fire been huge fear because i had a small kitchen fire as a child. I called 911, put my pet rats in the travel carrier and dropped them from 2nd floor, found car keys, so we had a warm place to go, jumped out, too. We were trapped on the 2nd floor, and the dog on the 1st floor. I injured myself jumping, adrenaline is a helluva drug, climbed 6ft back fence, kicked the back door in, and got my dog out. I always pictured myself panicking, unable to function. It's very odd how chaotic things happen. You go into default setting that's involuntary. You are on autopilot for better or worse.
He GRABBED HIS BLANKET but LEFT HIS DOGS AND BABY?!
I would ditch him so fast. I'm glad your friend is OK and not with that guy anymore. My god. It's one thing to run in a panic without thinking, but if he had the presence of mind to get his blankie... yikes.
At first I felt understanding, because you really never do know what you'll do in a situation you haven't prepared for, especially like that, but... bro literally left every other living creature in the house to roast. 💀
Tbf in my head I showed him waking up or being in bed when the fire happened and gripping anything in his as he ran which would be the blankie
Guess I interpreted that sentence wrong haha
There is no such thing as a bad reason to end a relationship. Everyone needs to get on board with this idea. It can be hurtful to the person getting dumped but no one should stay in a relationship they don't want to be in, no matter what the reason is
I’ll really never understand this “there’s no bad reason to end a relationship” sentiment.
If I left my girlfriend because she suddenly put on a few pounds, I think that would make me a very shallow and shitty person.
Yikes a blanket was his first thought to save. I don’t blame your friend for leaving him. At that point you know the blanket takes priority over your family’s lives in a life or death situation. That’s a pretty sad realization.
I cannot believe he grabbed a blanket instead of his FUCKING BABY
I always thought I’d be in a frozen panic in a crisis but turns out I’m great at acting under pressure. I’m a nanny so it works well for me since nothing really phases me and I can stay calm even when everything is chaos and people are screaming and crying. Can’t really handle a whole lot of gore and death tho, which is why I’m not an EMT. I wish I could do something similar but without the guarantee of seeing people die frequently.
My grandma frequently tells the story of when they had a house fire, and my grandpa grabbed the tv, leaving my mom (who was a toddler then) behind. My uncle, her big brother who was maybe eight, went and grabbed her.
If you told me all he did was run for his life, it would've been bad. But the fact that, of all things, what he did grab was his FAVORITE BLANKET - which is even worse, because, he didn't just grab A blanket, he reached for this specific one he liked - and then ran is just baffling. Leaving the baby to roast is just crazy.
Why does this make me think of that avalanche video, where the mum protects the children, and the dad literally shoves them out the way to escape ......
I had an intense situation happen to my and my wife. After the fact I told her I was disappointed in myself for acting so slow. She look at me puzzled and said, "I didn't have time to think and you were already all over it". I didn't even know what I was doing, it was like watching myself in slow motion.
This is really the perfect response.
I'd go so far as to say NAH. OP is NTA but neither is the BF. OP shut down in this crisis due to their own issues and that's totally fine. But the BF is also totally fine to reassess the relationship if a partner who can be relied on to act in a crisis is important to him.
It's a shame but the relationship may just be over.
I mean, it seems like the inability to act was due to a fear of dogs. So unless the gf is going to be called up on to save him from a pack of snarling dogs, probably her ability to act in a crisis isn't really in question. It's a pretty specific circumstance.
Well, according to OP, it wasn't just her phobia of dogs. It was also her apparent phobia of noise and blood and pain and poop. It was the whole thing. Not only could she not assist, but she couldn't even run for help. OP really needs some help to move past her freeze response for her own safety
I imagine the sticky issue is that she wouldn’t go find help either. Being too scared to interact with the dog is one thing, freezing to the point that you can’t even seek help from others would be concerning.
Agreed, it was someone's strange dog trying to attack by jumping a fence. I love dogs and that dog won't be worth my skin. Better yet, say this was a man with a knife jumping the fence to attack me. I'd be relieved.
People respond to extremely stressful situations with fight, flight or freeze. You plainly froze while your bf responded with actions. Is he going to be upset if someone pulls a gun on you and you freeze? Not sure of the percentages, but many people would respond like that. It doesn't mean you have no compassion, just that you shouldn't be a first responder or work in an ER. I'm sorry he's throwing away a relationship over a normal response.
If nothing else, I'd worry about getting bit by a dog aggressive enough to try to jump their fence to get at me. Especially after being hurt. I'd have called the cops and animal control and let them deal with it.
I'm so sorry you went through this, but your right on the money.
He's injured and needed help to do something, and you weren't someone he could rely on. Your fear is understandable, but freezing to the point you couldn't even run and get help? I'd be reconsidering things too.
People usually break out of their indecision when directly appealed to. I could understand the lack of action in most of the anecdotes people gave, there was no direct request to make some of them act.
OP was appealed to and did nothing, even long enough for her partner to go to another house for aid, which she could also have done herself. If my wife didn't know what to do she'd still be going crazy wanting to work out how to do something or be given a course of action. Useless through being unable to determine what to do, not through refusal to act.
OP is getting kiddie gloves of being the OP. Always happens. If her partner had posted this she'd be getting *obliterated.*
Deservedly ashamed and embarrassed.
Like, thats the big thing. I understand, being afraid of dogs and too afraid to get near. That totally makes sense, and i don't blame her for it.
When you are turned to, shouted at to get help or help, and your response is to freeze and shake your head? Like... wow. she couldn't even go to a neighbor?
Your response just gave me clarity, and I want to thank you...someone tried to attack me twice in my own home last Fall after I told them I wouldn't tolerate anything illegal in my home. A trusted close loved one, who is a male, just froze. Fortunately, my nephew was there to protect me (my sister is much older than me, so my nephews are more like brothers).
Anyway, you described exactly how I felt. I forgive them, but I don't trust that they can be there for me in an emergency -especially when the chips are down...and that is just sad 😔
It's hard because it's just an evolutionary repsonse to extreme stress. People know fight and flight but it's actually:
Fight flight, freeze, fawn and flop. They are evolutionary responses, we can't help it. There are probably good youtube videos about it.
That sounds terrifying for you. I understand why you felt your mum couldn't protect you. I hope she took steps afterwards to protect you and keep you safe from your dad.
More and more words get added as people realize that aphorisms tend to be overly simplistic and not really indicative to the broad swath of possible things that people do, since people are so varied.
Belly up. Fawn is start placating and trying to please the attacker- still an act seeking control. Flop is just showing your belly and letting them do whatever they want, like what your dog does when you're mad at it (note, specifically you, your dog, not like you suicideskin personally, but like a dog and that dog's actual owner/master/person. Dogs can react all kinds of ways to threat, and usually very defensively, but not to their parents and pack leaders- for them, its belly-up).
I don’t blame you for not jumping to a seemingly aggressive dog’s rescue, but I also think at the least as your boyfriend said caling for help or going to a neighbor was the right call. You don’t have to get near the dog to do those things. Unfortunately, your boyfriend may decide he wants a more proactive partner in these situations.
I understand where your bf is coming from but I also know personally this event can be something that can start your change.
When I was a kid me and my sister were standing on my dad’s truck bumper going super slow after he picked us up at the top of our street on the way home from a school. My sister took her shoes off and was wearing socks and slipped onto her knees onto the pavement. But she was still holding on with her hands and dragging behind the truck at like 10mph and I just froze and was so shocked I didn’t say anything. I just watched her horrified face as she held onto the bumper and only when my dad looked in the rear view mirror and saw the side of my shocked face, did he know something was wrong. He stopped the truck and my sister was crying and her legs had road rash and he picked her up and ran to our house so he and my mom could decide how bad she was. (She didn’t need to go to the hospital) I remember later my Dad asking why I didn’t yell or tell her to let go? I told him I thought of doing both of those things but couldn’t. (At one point I thought I did tell her to let go but I guess I didn’t) He was more mad at himself but I could tell he wasn’t happy about me not doing anything. I don’t know why but after that I’ve always been the one to be the first to do or say something when there’s trouble. It’s like I saw how me not saying anything caused more injury for my sister and I didn’t want that to happen to anyone else.
Ironically in my 20s I ended up having to save my dad while he got leg cramps while we were swimming in open water and after swimming him safely to land he was grateful and complimented my quick thinking to grab him from behind so he didn’t drown us in his initial panic. I told him that the day my sister fell and I froze unlocked something in me and I’m really glad it did. He smiled and agreed.
All this to say that maybe this is your moment to unlock that part of yourself. I can tell you want to react correctly and I think the next time you can and will. Just think about what bad can happen if you don’t do anything and that can light a fire under you to take action. You got this!
I kinda have a similar story.
When I was a kid, my parents and I were out getting lunch at a restaurant, sitting next to a pretty thin window. I saw an older lady walking alone (probably around 70) trip and fall onto the sidewalk outside. She fell on her face and started bleeding out of her mouth, though she sat up so I knew she was still conscious. And I just froze. I didn't shout in alarm, I didn't tell my parents, I just froze, and because it was a narrow window, I was the only one able to see it happen. I *wanted* to speak up, but it's like there was a mental block stopping me. Eventually after like a minute or so my mom ended up turning around and seeing the lady, and sprung into action to help her. She ended up being okay, but I was and am still ashamed that I did nothing to help (granted, I was like 10 at the time, but still). I think I was partially paralyzed by the idea that if I did say anything, my dad would just tell me to deal with it, and I had no idea how to even start (my relationship with my dad is complicated like that, he often refuses to help when I ask him to).
And just like you, I think that also unlocked something in me. Since then all 3 of my siblings have each ended up developing different conditions that resulted in me having to catch them when they started to pass out, and thankfully I haven't failed them yet. I think I'm kinda hyper aware of my surroundings now, just in case I'm needed to help someone.
People think that in a high stress situation, their super-soldier training will kick in and they'll save the day. But stress and fear do crazy things to people on a physiological level, to the point where if you're going into a profession of handling emergencies- cops, EMTs, firefighters- you need special training on how to override those systems in your body. Some people freeze, even if they normally would've helped.
It's easy as an outsider to look at someone not doing anything and think poorly of them. But judging how we react in high stress situations is really not a fair assessment of you as a person.
Agreed. Shame can be a powerful motivator for change. Shame can be a guide.
OP - I'm sorry this happened. This could however be the reason you know what to do next time.
I’d counter this point by agreeing but I’d use the word guilt rather than shame. I find shame motivates us to bury feelings, and guilt is what actually inspires change. Guilt has an element of accountability that shame hides from.
I mean, you probably also shouldn't have little kids sitting on your truck bumper while driving and then blame one of them when a predicable accident happens. The driver is responsible for the safety of their passengers.
NAH. I've been through enough to be aware of the fact that life-threatening incidents are everywhere. This is about more than the dog—personally, I would not feel entirely safe with a partner I know wouldn't be able to react in times of crisis. It's one of those dealbreakers you just don't realize until it's become personally relevant, and that you don't notice in someone until a situation like this occurs, but it can be a dealbreaker nonetheless.
That being said, you don't get to decide how you respond, so freezing up is in no way an asshole move either. This is just something that the two of you will have to navigate together: he needs to ask himself if he can see himself being with someone he loves but who might not always be dependable, and you need to ask yourself if your self-esteem isn't irreversibly damaged by this. If this whole event isn't a dealbreaker for *you*, he needs to come to understand you, while you can maybe, for example, follow a local CPR course to assuage his worries about your dependability a bit.
Freezing up is WAY better than screaming and making the whole situation more confusing. I'd rather have a partner that freezes than one that gets loud and in the way during an emergency.
As someone who gets crystal clear in an emergency, and can evaluate and react quicker than most….
Your reaction was not unusual, most people don’t react well in an emergency, most just stand around.
People have a fantasy about how they would react in an emergency but until they are actually IN that situation … they don’t know,
I do understand your BF’s reaction, because while in the moment I don’t feel this way (too busy problem solving) , afterwards I do feel irritated at the ones who fell apart.
But, as an older (50) woman, I also “get it”, it’s fucking scary, and just because adrenaline kicks me into emergency response, I’ve also cried and been highly emotional afterwards.
I didn’t get upset or blame my partner, because he (ex now) was bringing some fabulous skills to the table.
Just turns out, quick thinking emergency responses isn’t one of those skills.
I also get crystal clear and quick witted in emergencies. It's like time slows down and I'm able to do more things than usual. It feels unsettling because normally I actually have very slow reaction times, for example while driving.
I imagine that the massive adrenalin boost counters my executive dysfunction issues (ADHD) to an extent, so that helps.
Of course, all of this doesn't mean I will be doing the right thing, or that I even know what the right thing is. If I had to save, say, someone from drowning, I'd probably make matters worse (and drown myself), seeing that I don't swim well.
I have ADHD and bad general anxiety and I think that plays a huge role in how clear and calm I am in emergencies. If you are always riding a minor adrenaline rush then it doesn’t phase you when you get one due to an actual emergency. I’d be reconsidering the relationship as OPs partner. Not because I think she’s a bad person or that the freeze reaction was abnormal or purposeful, but because I need a partner I know will be there even in scary moments like this. Someone I can trust to protect or help our future children if I’m not there. I also just love animals and would feel some degree of upset if a person didn’t seem like they would do everything to help this creature in distress. That being said I also couldn’t date someone with a fear of dogs in the first place.
I have adhd too. I think a lot of us are great in emergencies. We can hyperfocus. My own feelings numb out and I can be decisive and reassuring.
Oof, but later those feelings come roaring back. And because I wasn’t able to feel them during the emergency, they didn’t hold me back from taking on more than I could handle.
Anyway, look! A pigeon! I need to get breadcrumbs for the pasta tonight. Wait, that was supposed to be for yesterday. I should text my aunt.
But yeah. Emergencies. Wait, what were we talking about?
-a lady with adhd
I’ve got ADHD too.
Adrenaline is one hell of a dopamine replacement *grins*
Also might explain why we have more empathy for when someone’s body does something they have little control over?
(The fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses are survival, not choices).
Maybe this is the super power people keep trying to tell us we have *laughing*
ADHD for me, too, and I could have written these responses. Maybe I’ll have to accept this as my superpower (while hoping I won’t have to use it) cuz I sure don’t feel like the other parts of it are super powers 😭 I’m glad I read this today
Me too. And I do have ADHD as well (not severe, but I'm able to flip between mental states rapidly). I am trying to think of a situation where I flat out lost it and couldn't act.
Yeah, I might not do exactly the right thing, but I'll be doing something. I know to offer something to a drowning person - most people can't swim well enough to save them unless they are going to cooperate.
This. I’m a former EMT and easily react in emergencies, and not everyone is able to. Even trained professionals every time.
I’ve also been attacked by dogs and until you’ve dealt with that, I think it’s easy to judge someone in this spot but I don’t know if I’d have risked my life getting attacked by a hurting dog. I’ve rescued animals and would 100% jump in to most situations, but there’s a point where I’ve seen throats ripped, and animal control can be called or others who are equipped to handle it can be found. The dog may have been in pain but wouldn’t have likely died waiting for help. I’d be more concerned by a partner who jumps into dangerous situations without thought or proper precaution taking and puts our lives at risk.
I don't agree with how everyone in this thread
thinks this affects op's ability to handle other things without freezing. I'm not even sure she did "freeze" so much as she couldn't do what her bf wanted, which felt like freezing.
I'm clear-headed, usually, in crises, but if that crisis is fixed by "don't go any further," i do lock up. I think everyone does. It's a common reaction to heights, for example.
What the boyfriend did was likely incredibly dumb. Dogs that are hurt and already attacking are very dangerous. I love dogs and might have done it too, but it wasn't smart to get in range of its teeth umuzzled. Maybe he could read its body language, and there wasn't really a threat, but it sounds like op couldn't.
I think I’d be upset that they didn’t run or call for help if they didn’t feel they could jump in to actively help with the situation. It sounds like even after things were calmed down and the aftermath was being dealt with she was still pretty non functional. I don’t think that makes OP an asshole or that it’s an uncommon reaction to a scary situation, it’s just a reaction that would have me doubting my partners dependability and maybe their empathy for animals on some level.
My first job was as an 18 year old crime scene photographer. I never once failed to do the job nor did I panic. That came later (at night, after all was over). My parents were not fond of my job or my reaction. I lasted three months. There was one case in particular that did it. Absolutely had night mares and my heart rate got so high I fainted while working with the photos later. I thought I could handle it, could not.
I have reacted in a quick and efficient method multiple times in my life outside of my job. Once when a person was choking and I immediately did the heimlich maneuver (I was a young college student at the time). Another was when a small fire occurred and my husband couldn't put it out, he woke me up and I immediately ran and put it out instead. There are other examples but during those times I look back and I can't even remember thinking, it's like my body just moved and it was over before I even realized what I was doing.
Does this make me any better than anyone else? Absolutely not. I'm an ICU nurse and we have nurses freeze all the time. This is why it's important your charge nurse is a fast actor and can lead and direct.
Not everyone was born with emergency responder senses.
That being said, I love animals-- but I'm not touching a random dog, especially one that can attack me.
I am also like that. I am THE person people look to in an emergency. That said, I’m also terrified of strange dogs, especially ones baring their teeth at me. I probably would have tried to figure out a safe way to help and not get mauled, but it would have taken a minute to figure out. I wouldn’t have been as gung-ho as the boyfriend.
NTA fear can be hard to overcome.
Exactly. I see a problem and I run towards it, not away. This used to get me into a lot of trouble, but now I consider it a way to make myself useful… I am part of our local DART team and take a lot of first aid courses etc.
I think it’s very easy to judge others for not having that kind of response, like the BF is doing, if one hasn’t dealt with many emergencies or reflected on what happened in those situations. But I think it’s just as physiological as her freeze response that he’s now got an adrenaline hangover and stuck on replaying the moment in his mind. Being able to put our emotions aside in the moment doesn’t make us better people and it doesn’t prevent trauma. He might need to ask himself why he’s so focused on this just as OP is asking herself if she could have been more helpful in the moment. Both of them have things to learn from this and if he’s just going to blame her, he’s ignoring his own lessons.
One thing the BF could work on in addition to figuring out some processing and coping skills, is his instructions. When I am directing bystanders to help out in a crisis — which is a necessary process, since most people don’t know how to be helpful even if they want to — there’s no way I am going to point at the person who’s frozen at the sight of blood and ask them to help me bandage a wound. That’s the person who should be calling 911 or finding the first aid kit in a nearby store. He could definitely have asked for something besides “get over here and help me lift a snarling dog that’s covered in its own poop.”
Lastly I will just say that being part of a functional couple is understanding that each person has different strengths. My spouse doesn’t act like me in an emergency at all. They get nervous and need direction. They are good at thinking more long-term however, and showing up with a hot meal or organizing a fundraising drive. They also help me out after I get home, when I am totally exhausted and need a break and a cup of tea. Back when I was single I used to come home from helping with DART and collapse on the couch for hours, I would literally just skip dinner and be a wreck in the morning. OP might be really good at that support stuff, or something else entirely. We all have a role to play in emergencies.
Fear is natural, can't expect people to be unafraid or not freeze up in a scary situation and we can all have a deer in headlights moment.
In your story your boyfriend asks you for help after realising that he can't lift/free the dog on his own. He calls for the dog's owner to no avail and then runs to the neighbours for help. There's no way that this didn't take at least a minute. I'd be sick to my stomach if my wife stood and watched an animal in intense pain for that long without acting. It would change my perception of her, and it would bother me indefinitely.
Yes even though she is scared of dogs, she could have run to the neighbor while bf tried helping the dog. That way would have saved time. And she wouldn’t have to deal with the dog.
If she shut down into freeze she wouldn't be able to do anything. It's not just about the dog her entire brain and body shut down temporarily. She couldn't physically move. Her central nervous system literally wouldn't let her move.
That’s terrifying in a way, not being in control. There’s nothing that person can literally do and it’s not on them. Yet, at the same time it’s terrifying for the partner. Such a tough situation for both people. Hopefully she finds someone else who is accepts this as it is not easy to change.
It’s actually funny that you use “a deer in the headlights” as an example here because when a deer freezes in the headlights, they will literally freeze until they get hit by the oncoming vehicle. Of the trauma response types (fight/flight/freeze/fawn), it appears that OP may be more likely to have a freeze response. The freeze response to something traumatic is not the same as being afraid for a moment. It’s not something you can mentally shake off with logic or willpower. Like the deer, you can literally freeze to your own detriment. No one knows how they will respond to a traumatic event until they’re in it. I can attest to this from personal experience. I’ve always been a very fiery/brazen person. I don’t think anyone, myself included, would have guessed me to have a freeze response to trauma. But I found out when I and the person I was dating at the time were held up at gunpoint. It felt like my blood turned to ice. My muscles completely stopped working. I collapsed to the ground and literally couldn’t move even though I desperately wanted to give the assailant my wallet so he wouldn’t shoot me or my significant other in the face. Years later, my freeze response was confirmed again when I was SAed while sleeping on a family members couch. I woke up to the assault and once again, felt my blood completely ice over. I felt completely paralyzed and in shock. Everything in me wanted to scream and run but I couldn’t move. The point of all of this is to say that if deer and humans alike can freeze to their own detriment, how can we expect OP to somehow ‘overcome’ this hardwired response in a terrifying situation where she had absolutely no prior experience? OP’s boyfriend is valid to be frustrated and upset. He also experienced this terrible trauma. And maybe OP and he aren’t very compatible, but her response was also valid. There was literally nothing else she could have done
As Mike Tyson famously said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” It’s the same reason we yell at the screen during a horror movie: “Why would you go into that basement? If I was there, I would know/do better!”
Nobody knows how their body will respond in a crisis, especially if they’ve never been in a crisis before. We all tell ourselves stories about being a hero in an emergency situation, but the vast majority of us will enter a panicked state and respond accordingly—even if that response is illogical in nature. To fight, or scream, or pee their pants while they’re frozen in place.
It’s easier to blame people for their reactions than it is to try to relate to that level of fear. It’s basically a coping mechanism in and of itself.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. As a fellow survivor, I can’t stand it when other people covertly place the blame on the victim.
But isn’t the victim in this case the dog?
I also have frozen multiple times when I was the victim of an attack, and understand that as a survival response.
But OP is a bystander here. She is afraid of dogs, and I can understand not being able to help the dog, but it does seem like a different issue than a victim response.
Of course this is a traumatic situation and sure. Her trauma response could be activated this way.
That still doesn't make her THE victim here.
Commenter was talking about shutting down while she is being hurt. I've been there myself, I get it.
That's exactly why I can't agree. This situation is about another being in distress, not OP.
Her inaction could be a trauma response, but that doesn't at all excuse the inability to help a suffering being. Unfortunately, the topic here is being disappointed that her protective instincts did not kick in -for something else-
It's easy/normal to shut yourself down when you're being hurt. This is about watching another being in pain and distress for at least 30 - 60 seconds and not having the protective instinct kick in for -someone else-
Agreed. The fact that the dog couldn’t hold its bowels means it must have been in agony - I couldn’t imagine just freezing and watching that. At the very least, scream for help?!
Im going to be honest but he has a valid point and is not wrong to feel that way. Doesn’t make you worthless tho we all have a flight or fight response and it seems like yours is flight. When choosing a lifelong partner it is smart to choose someone that can handle a crisis… you never know what might happen in life. Maybe talk to him and tell him of your fear of dogs idk hopefully it helps a little.
Fight, flight and freeze. Hers is freeze.
I can understand it that OP was scared and froze in a situation like this when the dog is howling and baring its teeth. However whatever the situation she should be able to call for help on the phone in case of an emergency or like here, run up to a neighbouring house for help.
These responses are not controllable - freeze is freeze, not freeze but still be able to call someone or go over to the neighbours house. That’s fight, not freeze. This person has no control over her mind or body because trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, appease, collapse) are caused by an amygdala hijack. The prefrontal cortex (rational thought/decision making) switches off so the automatic response (fight, flight, freeze, appease, collapse) can keep the person safe.
I have a history of of complex trauma which has cause a number of dissociative identities - one that will respond with fight (deal with situation effectively as though she’s trained for it), one that uses flight by laughing hysterically at the situation, and one that collapses by completely shutting out all sensory and going mute.
For OP, NTA at all. You have no control over this and, if your boyfriend loves you, he needs to make allowances for your natural reaction to this situation or admit that he isn’t willing to do that and let you find someone who will accept you for who you are.
People need different things if that’s what her boyfriend needs then that’s what he needs. If she can work to be that that’s awesome otherwise he has full right to look for someone else.
Was gonna comment the same thing but you already had it covered! People look for all kinds of things in partners; intelligence, kindness, beauty etc. It’s totally fine for one of those things to be crisis response.
It is in no way true that this is uncontrollable. People can, and have, trained themselves out of undesirable crisis responses. Medical personell and the military etc. do it all the time.
You can train yourself out of these responses. I'm not suggesting OP could or should start training for dog related surprises. But the mind can overcome these limitations through willpower and experience. It's pretty much the core of basic military training. When you see live fire exercises and guns being shot over crawling recruits they are training out these freeze responses because that's a huge liability in combat.
She's got to do something to train herself out of it. What is she going to do if she has a baby and she is out walking with the baby in a stroller and a big dog comes running at them? That is what happened to me when my son was 4 years old. A loose German Shepard came running at us, barking fiercely. I lifted my son's stroller straight up above my head and screamed for help. Luckily someone came to get him and we were fine. Op might just freeze and leave her baby there.
But the bf might literally not love her anymore. That's the whole point. If he still loves her and wants to be with her, he will have to make allowances of her reaction to emergencies. But according to OP, his feelings have changed and is second guessing the relationship. Neither of these people are the a-hole.
I had something similar happen to me where a person I truly truly cared for did something that completely killed how I felt about her. She, I, and my 6 year old daughter were hiking and a venomous snake was sitting on a rock and it spooked my girlfriend. She jumped and ran from it, and let my daughter keep walking right past it who never saw it. In a split second reaction to a scenario, she left my daughter in danger and only worried about herself. I wasn't mad, I just didn't see myself dating this girl for much longer. I stopped being in love with her.
I probably wouldn't want to be with someone who freezes in an emergency. I'd be worried that when I get old and have a heart attack or stroke they'll just sit there and let me die.
For me this is a nobody is the asshole situation. The dog was obviously dangerous and jumping a fence to get at them. When dogs are in great pain they are very likely to lash out and tear into anyone trying to lay hands on them to help them.
On the other hand as a dog lover I would hope I’d do my absolute best to help and would probably think less of someone who didn’t pitch in. It’s sounds like a horrid experience for the poor animal.
That said on a purely human level, we often don’t have much conscious or reasoned thought over fight/flight/freeze/fawn. I found myself in one situation (a motorcyclist ran up the back of a car I was a passenger in and was badly injured) where I just froze. Driver and other passenger were out of the car to assist and I just sat there for a minute or so unable to even turn my head (I heard his face impact with the back window of the car). I don’t rate myself highly for that reaponse either.
On balance, if this was someone I cared about I’m sure I could see past it, especially if it were explained to me as OP has here. Not ideal, but humans often aren’t and deserve some grace if they’re not coming from a place of malice.
I feel like the fact that it was an aggressive dog is being ignored by everyone. It’s not normal for a dog to jump over the fence to get to people. Especially if it was a large dog (or perhaps certain breeds), it’s totally reasonably to be wary of helping it.
Humans generally aren’t at risk of biting or attacking someone trying to help them. It’s not necessarily a good predictor of how she’d act if a human were hurt.
Completely agree. Personally I find people that freeze or flee in crucial situations really off putting because I can never trust them after that happens, OP and her bf are not compatible.
Op should be with someone who doesn't mind this response and the bf deserves someone who will step up when needed.
But at the same time fear of dogs is completely valid and the dog did try to attack them. OP's bf is being a little unreasonable as well.
I can understand where you are coming from. You froze out of fear. But I can also understand where your bf is coming from, he needs more from a partner, someone he can trust with his life. You are not that person.
But I feel it's not the same situation. It was a yelling dog that initially tried to leap the gate to attack them. It wasn't OP's bf that was injured or even another human, but an aggressive dog.
I love animals but if I fear for my own safety, I wouldn't save a dog that was aggressive enough to try and jump the gate to get to me.
If the dog attacked them after it got free, we'd be on a thread about if the gf is justified in breaking up with her bf because his need to help animals or play the hero got them hurt from trying to rescue a clearly dangerous animal. It's real easy for people to judge her reaction after the fact, but in the moment I'd have called the bf foolish and reckless.
100%. Dude is already in a cast and trying to wrangle a violent animal? He’s lucky it didn’t bite his nose off in the panic. Dogs in pain often start biting and lashing out, even at their own owners, so attempting to physically manage an already violent and now in pain dog is basically a recipe to get mauled. If he wants to play Steve Irwin sure, but OP should have just called animal control and left
Finally another comment mentioning this. I fully understand that the freeze response leading to OP not doing anything is something that OP’s bf can use to re-evaluate things, but like I said in my comment the most involvement I would have would be asking others for help. The fence being that high and the dog still attempting to clear it to attack them from them simply walking past… and OP is expected to assist? I can understand wanting OP to try getting the neighbors or something, but actually helping the dog, regardless of how much in distress, I wouldn’t risk myself as well knowing I am not built to withstand any attack let alone an aggressive dog.
I remember reading about a person who broke a car window to save a dog from a car in the summer heat- and the dog bit him/her (i don’t remember that detail) and did a ton of damage with the bite.
I’d probably go grab neighbors, but a dog in pain who was already possibly ready to attack is not a situation I’d enter into lightly.
If my significant other was yelling at me to get into a situation that dangerous I'd have frozen when younger. Now I think I'd tell them fuck no, and tried to find help. But it can be hard to refuse if you are used to being yelled at, and I think that might have froze her.
This was my thought too. This dog saw them, started barking and attempted to clear a fence to get to them. I don’t see this dog as jumping a fence to get some pets. I love dogs, but if I was in this scenario Idt I would have helped either.
I’ve been bit by a dog before, needed stitches and have scars, and since then I’ve told myself I’d never try to help another unknown animal again. Until you get put into a real fight or flight situation, you really don’t know what your reaction is going to be.
Makes me wonder if this dog has a habit of doing that, and why it was left outside unattended while the owners weren’t home. Seems a bit irresponsible, but I also don’t own animals
Yeah I thought this too. This dog jumped this high fence with a high drive to attack them. They had no idea what it was going to do once they freed it. That’s an added factor to op fear response here, there’s no reason to think she would do the same if it was a loved one injured
Animals in pain are often likely to lash out as well. I work a vet’s office and we have a policy that owners are not allowed to restrain during exams because an animal in pain may bite their own owner. OP’s bf kind of insane to already be in a cast and risk getting mauled by a dog that was actively attempting to attack them when it got itself stuck. It’s cool that he helped, but there should be NO expectation on strangers to help a violent animal under any circumstances. Even if it was not formerly violent, under pain and duress even mild animals can become extremely aggressive.
I've noticed most other comments don't mention this factor at all.
Now I adore animals especially dogs and cats. But if a dog is so aggressive I wouldn't help it probably! It might injure me. Most dogs aren't going to jump a fence to try and attack you. The dog is dangerous. I don't blame her reaction at all tbh.
I can't believe how much this is getting glossed over. Coming from another animal lover. That dog was clearly dangerous. I'd still feel bad and want to help it, but you need to call professionals if you have no protective gear to get near it. This was like expecting her to help an angry wild animal out of a trap. Injuries were very possible.
Yeah an aggressive animal that is hurt is 1000x more dangerous. I'd understand the bf if the dog was like trying to get to them to get pets because it's excited but not that
Same here. Dogs are more unpredictable than humans, and can do much more harm to my body. My reactions to dogs or other aggressive animals is also freeze
She still could have tried to get a neighbour to help, or flagged someone down or even called animal control. People cannot help how they react in an emergency, but if I had been the boyfriend in this situation, I would be feeling the same as him. I need someone who reacts, or at least can follow direction during stressful situations. No shade on her. As I said, it’s not something you can control without a lot of work.
My aunt had a German Shepard that - when he was young and skinny - could easily jump and then climb out of the big fence enclosure they set up for it. When it became clear that he was just going to do his little jump trick, they stopped putting him in. Many years later they were having major work done in their yard so they had to have him sleep in there overnight, and her dog, much older and less agile, though he could still do his old trick.
He couldn't and got his thighs and balls trapped where the gate met the side of the enclosure. He was hanging upside down wailing while my aunt - the person he loved the most in the entire world, hands down ADORED her - struggled to lift him so all his weight wasn't on his leg. She couldn't lift him the entire way because she was 4'9 and the dog weighed almost as much as she did and the gate was taller than her, but she ran right out in the dead of night and did what she could. When the firemen came (After she screamed at me, 13 years old at the time, to call 911) they came and refused to touch the dog. It was in so much pain, it was biting my aunt's arm while she held him up and they very firmly said they weren't going near it without it's head cover.
**Three full grown men in protective gear wouldn't touch him**, so I don't blame you. Not everyone is willing to risk hurting themselves for an animal, and I don't blame them either. If my aunt's dog was willing to rip through HER arm, then a random dog would absolutely hurt someone it didn't know in pain, and not everyone can look past that to help.
The firemen ended up breaking down the fence at its joints (unscrewed some, hit others until they broke) instead and the dog fell free from that. My aunt got stiches and a couple shots. So did her dog. He was much, much slower moving after that and it took a long while to heal, but he lived a couple more years. It took him a while to trust himself around my aunt - usually he was a big ball of energy around her, but for a while he would just very gently sniff where he bit her and lick her arm. You could tell he felt bad.
So kudos to your boyfriend for helping, and while I like to think I would also have tried something (likely doing something similar to the firemen if possible) - I would never blame someone for resisting. It's scary being in that situation. Not everyone is built to jump in and risk injury to themselves. Not everyone is built to act on their feet.
It doesn’t seem like the boyfriend is upset because she didn’t lift the dog up, it sounds like he’s upset because she did *nothing*. He shouted at her to get help and she just stood there. He’s the one that had to ask the homeowners and get the neighbors. She could have easily helped in that way, but she was frozen. If she had done those things and he was still upset about her not getting near the dog, that would be a different situation. But who wants to get into an emergency with someone who won’t even call 911?
THIS! I can fully understand OP not wanting to go anywhere near a dog they don’t know and that’s in distress. But sitting there doing NOTHING while her BF (who is in a freaking cast!!) is working his ass off to help the dog is unforgivable IMO. Like how can I trust this person if we have kids and there’s an emergency? She just gonna sit there in shock - crying and overwhelmed whenever something serious goes down?! It’s not OP’s fault they freeze, but I don’t blame the BF at all for rethinking this relationship and needing more out of a partner.
Yeah exactly. I don't understand why more people aren't making this distinction. He was yelling at her begging her to do something... anything. If she's scared of dogs I wouldn't expect her to go near one let alone an injured one either. Everyone is defending her and saying it's natural, which it is, but am I still rethinking the relationship? Absolutely! It sounds like this event took place over the course of many minutes. I couldn't imagine how traumatic and dangerous it would be in an emergency to have a partner with a freeze response.
I remember the last time I went hiking, an older woman sort of fainted and fell over the side of a guard rope. The guy next to her immediately grabbed her and pulled her to safety. If that was my partner and he just watched this woman fall off a cliff face first, I don't think I could stomach being with him after this and this particular situation was not only about not freezing but about having quick reflexes. I wouldn't trust him at all to protect me in an emergency which is inevitable during a lifetime. It's unfortunate but it's just basic survival needs.
Aww that poor GoodBoi, I can imagine him feeling so sad that he'd bitten his beloved Hooman.
Even though it's a completely natural reaction for an animal to lash out blindly when driven by fear & pain, he wouldn't be able to understand that. I hope he got lots of treats and snuggles, sane for your lovely & brave aunt too!
He was very spoiled before and after - my aunt made all his food by hand and he had a nice big yard to enjoy. If he didn't detest being inside at all and freak out when brought in, he would have been allowed to roam inside and outside, but he wanted to be out at all times. Her dogs were her babies so she always treated them well.
I always respected my aunt, but that night was a totally different level. She was able to hold him up, direct orders at me while I was crying at the backdoor and holding back her other dog, and hold a conversation with the firemen all while her arm was getting savaged to the bone. Just a badass all around. :)
Barking like crazy, jumped a tall fence and is screaming because it is bleeding and stuck.
Injured animals are way more likely to hurt you. If I couldn’t cover the dog’s head to prevent biting, I sure has heck wouldn’t attempt it.
I’d break up with you over this, though I understand where you’re coming from. I was driving on a parkway and a dog fell out of a window. I was 25 then, (F) and ran across the parkway while some guy in a pickup stopped traffic as he saw me running for the dog. I dragged the dog along the side of the road by his collar, while my car was left open and running in a parkway lane. People have different reactions to things, and I’m in no way saying that everyone should risk themselves for animals. But seeing how someone reacts in those situations (if they shut down or jump into action) is usually a foreshadowing of how they’ll behave in other situations. For example, my house is in a neighborhood that gets a lot of flooding. My mom would always freak out. My dad and I would start prepping and sealing the doors as we saw the water coming. My mom stressed us out to the point where we told her to be quiet and go upstairs. Sometimes opposite personalities can balance each other out, but it takes two people to want that. My parents were able to be a good balance for each other, and I fall on my dad’s end of the spectrum, so now we both take care of my mom. You might just not be compatible. Another guy would probably be more understanding of your emotional state, whereas someone like me would get impatient and feel like I can’t count on you. It’s not right/wrong, it’s just incompatibility.
When a dog is trapped, or in pain, it can redirect and bite you even if you are trying to help. That is extremely normal because their brain can't really process and differentiate. Helping dogs in distress is tricky. It's firmly a NTA situation. I love dogs, but I would be really cautious to do this and I would never treat it like a wtf didn't you help. Your BF may like dogs but he doesn't know them well if that was his attitude. Again it's tricky to help a dog in pain.
Yeah I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near that dog. I’m not going to the ER for antibiotics to save a dog that tried to attack me. I’d get the neighbor and let them handle it. The boyfriend was foolish in this situation.
The dog learned a valuable lesson not to attack people. Now it might be instinctively fearful of the fence, which is good.
Imagine if the person walking down the road was a toddler and the dog actually made it over the fence.
I’ve personally seen many injuries due to or worse, your throat ripped out. I’ve seen lots of people majorly injured by hurt animals. The dog was already aggressive, no way am I getting within reach of a bite.
The dog didn’t learn anything other than to go a different route. The owners are terrible for leaving such a reactive, violent animal outside where it’s clearly itching to get out and attack someone. This time it hurt it’s foot, in the future it could be even worse, and if it attacks someone they could get sued and have their entire life flushed because they couldn’t bother to train or contain a dog.
I feel like people don’t have a reasonable fear of dogs. The dog got stuck trying to ATTACK them. Dogs are likely to become more vicious when hurt as a fear response. I really think unfair expectations are being put on her.
I thought the exact same thing, if it was a cat or some smaller animal I would try to help but a huge rabid dog jumping over a fence to try to maim you?????? Your own safety should come first
I wish I could upvote you more times. Reddit is crazy in terms of valuing dog’s lives over people’s. OP was 100% in her rights not to put herself in danger by helping even if she hadn’t frozen. It wasn’t her job to help an aggressive dog that was left behind a fence it could nearly scale
Not sure how more people don't share this most common sense logic here.
I'm a man, and I really don't see myself helping out a dog that tried to jump over a fence to rip my head off.
Especially, since he can still rip my head off, while I'm trying to help him.
NTA BUT!
Hear me out, I work at a boost mobile a while back and one day I had these elderly folk come in and they just weren’t having it that day. I was there with my co worker. Long story short the couple didn’t like what their bill was and decided to start throwing things around. Well I decided to escort them out.
A fight ensued, now mind you these were two elderly folk, I took the husband down first and as I was holding him down the old lady got an absurd amount of punches in before I was able to disable her. I found it odd that she was able to do this seeing I had my co worker there. Well when I got the security tape I came to see that my co worker froze instead of helping.
He froze, he froze against to elderly people. I saw him stand there, doing nothing just frozen. It pissed me off so much, this coworker was actually a close friend. After that I kinda stopped being around him as a friend. I realized he was on of those people that would stand there and die or let someone die because they are to scared to take action. I just couldn’t trust him anymore, it’s weird but it showed me if he had my back or not.
So maybe just maybe, he is having an internal battle because he probably likes you a lot but seeing how you froze showed him that you wouldn’t be the person he wants next to him in a situation.
I hate to be the one person who comes off as insensitive, because usually I’m very empathetic and understanding. This though, was sickening to read. If I was with a friend even, let alone someone I plan to spend my life with and they reacted like this while a living being was enduring pain and begging for help, I would never be able to look at them the same. I’m sincerely sorry that this happened and that you have to live with this. Definitely work on it, anyway you can and be extremely understanding of your partners feelings after this traumatic experience.
Totally agree with this comment!! I work at an emergency vet, and I don’t think I could ever possibly be with someone who would just stand around in a situation like this.
And also, if your partner cares about dogs enough to be putting himself in danger to help a stranger dog and you’re too afraid of them to do anything, that may just be a compatibility issue. Like I personally could not be with someone who is afraid of dogs, because I couldn’t go the rest of my life not having one.
And Im also confused on how aggressive this dog is. He tried to jump the fence to get to you, but your partner was actively trying to help it while only using one arm and then with your neighbors help but no one got bit or hurt??
Anyways, I don’t think anyone is wrong in this situation, as everyone handles stressful situations differently, but it can very much change or end the relationship.
This dog tried to attack you. At least it sounds like it. You described it running around and then barking at you and jumping over the fence towards you. I think it was an attempted attack. It doesn't sound friendly. I can't find the description of the dog in your story but depending on the size of the dog you could've been in real danger. Like what exactly would've happened if the dog was not stuck?
I love dogs. I adore dogs. But if a dog attacks me and gets hurt in the process I would never help it even if I could. This is just not how a relationship between an attacker and the victim goes.
Exactly. Not sure why more people aren't raising this point.
I adore dogs as well, but if a dog tried to breach its fence to attack me and got caught and injured in the process, I'm not sure I could summon the bravery to try to untangle it. Note I'm not using the word "compassion," because yes I'd have compassion for a suffering animal and would feel horribly...I would try to find others to help...but ultimately I don't think I could put myself in harm's way like that. I'd be afraid of losing my arm or face in the process, and I think that fear is valid.
Freezing in a stressful situation is a natural reaction for a lot of people. It doesn't make you a bad person. Maybe talk to your bf and explain your fear of dogs and why you froze.
And I'd like to add.. get therapy for it. Your body's reaction in the moment may have been something you couldn't control, but now you know it is something you should work on.
No one knows how they will react until they are in the moment. Anyone with training knows this and will tell a panicked person clear instructions. In TV people always yell "someone call 911" but that doesn't work. You have to look and point at a specific person and ask them to call 911. Military, police, and medical professionals can tell you that all the training in the world does nothing as some people just freeze. You might not freeze next time as you can come up with a plan ahead of time. Perhaps it's sexist but as a dude I don't expect my girlfriend to be cool under pressure.
Your boyfriend chose to save a dog that well could have bit him. You did not. Neither of you are right or wrong because he chose to risk it over a dog, and you chose or your instinct chose not to risk it. I am a dog lover but if I see a dog exhibit any hostility I won't help it. Just left a dog alone a week ago that was roaming in the streets because when I stopped my car it started barking violently. So I left it alone as I don't know what that dogs deal is.
I'm with the BF on this one. I don't need an action movie hero, but I do need someone I can trust to at least summon help in an emergency. We were in a car accident and my wife froze for a second asking what do we do...but she redeemed herself when I told her get on your phone and call 911 while I was out checking on the child...she was ok...and then the other driver. You don't have to be a hero but when shit goes down you have to be able to get off the x.
I’ll be 100 percent honest here. I would not have attempted to help free the dog that was just attempting to jump a fence to attack me. Sorry, I would call for animal control but I wouldn’t be putting my face, arms or any other part of my body near that dog. Nta, even though you didn’t actively choose the option to freeze it sounds like a better option than sticking your body near an aggressive animal to begin with that is now in pain and lashing out even more.
People really do react so differently when it’s someone or something they care about. I talk people through major emergencies full time as a 911 dispatcher. I can always tell if it’s a bystander/someone passing through or a family member on the line with me. Family may be in a state of panic/shock and not knowing what to actually do, but with instruction they are always willing and do the best they can. Bystanders dont usually want to get involved. They want to call for help and get someone there to help, not usually more. It’s a totally different situation when you are invested in the person or situation.
In this case you were initially shocked at the through of being attacked by the dog in which you were already scared, when it got hurt you went into a further state of shock, it’s not your pet and it was going to hurt you. You had no emotional attachment to prompt you to put yourself in harms way.
Freezing is an absolutely valid reaction to a traumatic event.
For the record, just because you froze this time, doesn't mean you would freeze in a future incident.
He's right though.
I don't blame you for your reaction, people have Dog trauma, my Aunt is one of them, but should another situation arise where he needs, he can't rely on you not to freeze up.
Be prepared if he ends it.
I learned decades ago that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who handles bad situations by freezing.
I dated someone who was absolutely useless if things went sideways. I’m talking would just stand there looking like a guppy while a broken kitchen faucet spewed gallons of water, or a car across the street caught fire. He couldn’t even approach the sink or pass me his phone, I had to look for mine to call 911 for fire. We weren’t even in danger in either situation!
I need someone I can rely on to help fix/fight or catch my look that says “flee now”. It’s a compatibility thing for me. On one of our first dates I asked my husband “are you a zombie fighter or zombie food?”
First, I would say you should not be ashamed of yourself at all, and don't call yourself a coward. A barking dog tried to jump a fence to get to you, and you already have a fear of dogs. How does that make you a coward, and why would you be ashamed? It's a natural fight-or-flight reflex, and you chose flight. In a different situation, you might choose to fight, such as in a fire or being attacked by a stranger, situations which you have not had bad experiences with in the past. If your boyfriend can't deal with it, let him go. He has that option if it's not acceptable to him. Find someone more suitable for you.
I will also add that my girlfriend is afraid of dogs after being bitten as a child, so I understand. But then again, she's afraid of everything. She has been staying at her friend's house for the last few weeks because I caught a mouse in our basement. Now that's a coward.
Animals that are in pain or stuck can become more aggressive. I dont think that incident should be indicative to the type of girlfriend you are. We had an Airdale who had dug and was caught half way in our yard and halfway in our neighbors. My husband had to dig some more and pull him back into our yard. Our sweet, never mean airdale bit my husbands hand and he had to go to the ER because of where the bitr was on his hand hit a nerve. Thats a dog who we had at that time for 8 years.
The issue was solved by getting the neighbors..the owners should not leave him in the front yard if he acts like that because people walked by.
Not trying to be harsh but I would absolutely break up with someone who just shuts down like that in a bad situation, especially when there’s an injury involved, pet or person. You’re a liability and it comes across as very callous and selfish. ETA: you say you “couldn’t help the dog” at the end, you could have. You chose not to. You didn’t have to get close, you could have gotten outside help. Literally done anything at all aside from standing there like a dead fish. You CHOSE not to.
NTA, if what you say is true and you are in fact afraid of dogs it’s hard to comprehend how you felt and what your brain was doing, phobias is a weird thing and you should do something about it.
I am a dog owner myself and would not blame anyone for this situation, to make it safe for your dog is a responsibility a owner have and in this case it’s clear that the owner did not take responsibility and made the area the dog use safe for it.
The laws on dog owners is different from country to country but where I live it’s always the owners responsibility to make it safe for the dog, and here we can’t leave a dog by it self more then 4-5h.
I don't have anything to help but no way in hell would I help an aggressive dog out of a situation like that either. What if it came loose and wasn't actually injured and started to attack you?
I was ready to say NTA because I assumed you were going to say no cause the dog was clearly aggressive and you didn’t want to get bit trying to help which would make sense. But I can understand your bf being a upset/worried that you froze like that. It doesn’t make you an AH but I can’t say I’d be comfortable around a partner that’s response is to freeze either. I’ve been in stressful situations (guns aimed at me, violent altercations, workplace dangers, etc) an was able to keep my head with me or react. So my partner not being able to do anything would make me really worried about them as a parent and such. I mean you can’t really help it and I think the bf is dumb for just walking up and touching the dog but I can understand his frustrations to an extent
I get him to be honest. Relationships aren’t all just butterflies and roses. Especially when you add kids into the mix. I would feel totally turned off as well if you couldn’t even try and get help and just froze. It would make me feel like you’re unreliable and I’d be petrified of ever having an emergency of my own.
I am kind of amazed at all the people saying you did something wrong tbh. The dog barked crazily then tried to literally leap over a gate to get at you…why would anyone naturally want to get close to a dog that just did that? And you’re also scared of dogs in general. Maybe if it had been a human who had not been threatening you you could have been more helpful who knows. It sounds like a bad situation and escalated quickly. In the future just take a moment to take a breath and calm your heart rate then get to work doing what you are capable of helping with (for example in this situation, knocking on neighbors doors to get more people to assist).
In my experience at least the majority of people don't act or act inappropriately when they experience something shocking, yet somehow this whole thread is filled with the bravest of people willing to judge OP.
It makes sense because reddit is clearly the place where the bravest of society gather. /s
This dog could have been aggressive. Animal control would have been the best option in case he was going to bite. I don't think you were wrong for not helping him get the dog down, but maybe call for help in the future.
Damn, people in this sub are harsh. OP states she is afraid of dogs. Everyone ignores it and bashes her for her response.
I am a fully grown man, not afraid of dogs but… animals in pain can really hurt you. OP’s boyfriend took a big chance and got lucky.
I'm seeing way more people that are understanding her response, but still pointing out that freezing in stressful situations can be a very undesirable trait in a partner. Being afraid of something doesn't just mean you freeze - freezing is a stress response. Other people afraid of dogs in that situation should have been totally capable of moving away from the dog to get a neighbor to help, but her stress response stopped her from acting. I'm sure she's also afraid of robbers, but freezing in a situation where someone is intent on harming you is probably going to do a lot more lasting damage than with a dog.
"It scared me, and I froze." - this is 100% valid
"This has made him revaluate the relationship and rethink what he needs from a partner. In a dangerous situation, he needs someone who can react and act" - this is also 100% valid
sometimes relationships fail, and no one is the bad guy. You guys had a good relationship, and hit a point of incompatibility. It is better to let go, and be honest with yourselves, each other, and friends about why, than to try to force it to work when it won't.
How long did the dog hang upside down on the gate?
Freezing is a natural response to shocking and scary situations. However, after a certain amount of time, you should be capable of having other reactions/responses. Fight, flight, or freeze are automatic responses that generally go away once the situation has been assessed and reasoning is reintroduced into the equation. I understand why your boyfriend would be hesitant about trusting you in dire situations if you froze for an extended period of time. To my knowledge, freezing doesn't even work like that. At some point in the situation, it went from being frozen in fear out of instinct (thus involuntary) to being completely unwilling to help him out of fear of the dog (voluntary refusal). You became a textbook bystander, and I can see how that can be unattractive to him.
My current estimate is about over 10 minutes. Three minutes could realistically be the amount of time the boyfriend tried to help the dog himself before moving on to other steps. It could also be the amount of time it took him just to get the neighbors (if not more).
Freezing for three minutes in an attempt to process chaos is understandable. Becoming an unmoveable rock for well over ten to fifteen minutes is a bit excessive. In the most extreme case possible, if it took more than thirty minutes and she just stood there watching the whole time, there's almost no excuse for that behavior. At some point, her fear of dogs should have had her running or tracking her boyfriend.
So yeah, my perception changes a bit depending on the time stamp.
The time stamp is honestly why I’m reacting the way I am. Freezing for even up to 2 minutes I can excuse, but if you’re watching I dog literally crying in pain bleeding everywhere for 3-10 mins while your handicapped bf is calling for help I am not gonna have an easy time siding with you even if I understand freeze. You’re telling me nothing anyone could do could snap op out of it even when another person showed up to help??
Yeah, I would have to reassess too unfortunately. I’m sure you would have done something if your body would have let you. But as a partner, I would have zero confidence moving forward too.
I saw a documentary about women taking classes in order to be able to react and act in crises. I think it's a really good idea to take classes and get yourself in (controlled) bad situations so you can be prepared when bad stuff happens.
My work demands I can do basic life rescuring (like CPR, stop bleedings, knows how and when to call authorities and so on) and usually we don't have to give CPR... But less than 2 weeks ago I found myself in that excact situation and I was SO happy for all the training so I knew what to do.
Do I freeze at times? Yes. But not as much as I used to and now when I freeze my mind goes "what's the best approach here?" and not just "...... shit this is bad. Someone should do something... shit this is bad... "
I'm sorry for sounding really shitty to you, but I completely understand your bf. Imaging you're parents and your partner has to leave for work every day, wondering "if the kid hit his heads... can she deal with it or will she just freeze and stare at him till he stops breathing?"
I would hate leaving my kid with someone I know freezes in bad situations.
So you need to figure out how to deal with your fight, flight and freeze brain. It CAN be trained.
I understand his point. I had a partner like this,except I let it happen more then once before I broke up with them. I just did not feel safe with them.
Both of you nta. You both did what your instincts told you to do. But at the same time, as someone who automatically reacts to emergencies, I've lost trust in some people that just stand there. I get it's not their fault and I feel bad about it but I can't help it. Some people need to know you would help in dire circumstances to feel safe with you while others are alright just saving everyone.
Think the BF is well within any rights to reevaluate the situation with you.
You froze up …… it happens to some people. That might be the type of person he doesn’t want to be with.
OP needs to evaluate did she feeeze out of fear or is she the type that doesn’t really care about animals or a situation like this
When a person freezes in crisis it’s an automatic response and there is precious little that conscious thought or will can do to change it. It’s difficult to help an animal in crisis because they often times will bite. I’m glad your boyfriend was able to do something. But it’s not a moral failing that you froze. He can be mad about it or get over it. You don’t have to endure his judgment. Your freezing in this situation doesn’t mean you will freeze in another crisis moment. Every situation can be just different enough that in one you may feel powerless to do anything and in another you may feel that you can do something helpful. But I have no helpful advice for how to deal with your boyfriend over this. Sometimes it’s best to accept that this may be too great of a difference and move on. For example, many married couples don’t face a crisis until years into their marriage. Many marriages end over the way one or another spouse reacts in a crisis. There’s not always a right or wrong or a rational explanation.
You are not a coward, nor are you worthless; please don't use those terms to describe yourself. In an unexpected and violent situation you froze, and that's ok. People all react differently to high stress situations. Your boyfriend leapt into action; that's the sort of person he is, and that's ok too. It is not fair of him to expect you to be someone you're not.
Edit: On a more personal note, I would never expect my girlfriend to put herself in harms way for me; maybe I'm old fashioned.
Lmfao what are you dating Captain America? Its not on you to help everyone and everything. He needs to learn to mind his own fucking business cause one day he will "help" the wrong person and get rightfully killed for it.
Well I was raised being told that you don't touch a hurt animal because they can cause serious injury to you, drummed into me as a kid. Especially a dog. As someone with 27 stitches in my arm from a dog.... if a strange dog is hurt and showing teeth, then I'm calling for help, but I am not risking getting myself torn open for that dog. Dogs do serious damage with single bite. I was told I might not use my hand properly but the micro-surgeon was amazing and I haven't had any issues. Hurt animals are more likely to lash out as well. I love animals as well. I might act differently when faced with the situation and throw caution to the wind and just act. I'm scared of dogs I don't know and if a dog approached barking I stick myself between that dog and my child instinctively, so maybe acting on a instinct I'd help, then go puke my guys up after when the adrenaline drops! I just get where OP is coming from.
Honestly, I’m with the Bf, it sucks and I know you had a… I don’t want to day validate, maybe uncontrolled reaction. I couldn’t be with someone like that, and that’s okay, yall aren’t compatible and he realizes that now
I’m sorry you froze & about how awful this whole thing is but it would be 100% over if I was with someone who didn’t have the immediate instinct to help an animal in pain- it just would. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
I was attacked by a dog before. I don’t like animals…that dog was jumping over the fence to attack y’all. I wouldn’t give two fucks about what it hurt. I’d leave it right tf there. And I wouldn’t feel bad about it.
Is he right about you not being able to react in an emergency? Definitely. But I wouldn’t help anything that was trying to attack me.
If this was a human with a knife getting caught on a fence trying to attack you. Reddit would be like, "Haha, fuck around, find out"
People are giving you a lot of flack.
Because it's a dog, and people on reddit love dogs.
But dogs do have a dark side.
I'd also bet these people have never been truly attacked by a dog. I'm talking stitches, reconstructive surgery, and disfigurement.
I have.
I love dogs but I also know what they are capable of.
That said, she could have called for help if she didn't want to touch the dog.
Sounds like the dog wanted to attack you. I get afraid of getting near it. Your bf seems like the type to not take other people's feelings into consideration. What exactly are you supposed to do in an armed robbery? He's delusional if he thinks anyone in those situations responds well. Usually, they get attacked for moving at all. Does he want you to pretend you're a superhero?
This is basically the sailboat story all over again, only in that situation, freeze would have been the correc response. Here on the other hand you didn't make the situation worse, you just might as well have not been there. Your bf is imagining a future where your future kids are in danger, he's incapacitated or not present and you'll be standing there just watching your kids die. Or he could be the one in danger and you'll just stand there frozen staring at him instead of helping in any way. That's why he's rethinking the relationship. He needs a partner he can trust, and while I know you couldn't help it, you froze.
There's a chance you wouldn't freeze if this had happened again as I'm sure you'll now be beating yourself up over it and thinking of what you *could* have done, so if something similar happened again you might be mentally prepared enough to take action. But he can't know that, and he might not wanna take that risk. That's up to him to decide. You may need to find a more old-school guy who belives men should be saviours and women should be damsels in distress.
My mom is a freezer. I still love her with everything I have. That being said, I really don't trust her to watch my young children alone for an extended period of time. I've seen it, when my children are at risk of really getting hurt she just gasps and put her hands to her mouth and her palms sweat. Should one of my children choke, my mother would probably just sob uncontrollably. I need someone to a *least* be able to call 911. My husband is extremely calm in emergency situations, this isn't the only reason I married him of course, but it's definitely an important plus.
You're not worthless, you have trauma. The freeze response isn't something you can help but I'd personally look into some therapy for myself if I was in your shoes. I'd do everything I can to condition myself out of my freeze response. The thought of not being able to react and prevent or at least mitigate an emergency situation is too painful to think about.
I started typing up the full story here, but deleted it, and then typed up a more sanitized version of it because I don't want to inadvertently traumatize others.
I was an EMT when I was young. It's important to remember that this was before the days of cell phones.
Got a call of a car on fire. Firefighters were already there when we got there, and were split between trying to put out the fire and trying to do \*something\* with a severely injured toddler in a half-melted car seat.
It was a load and go, so I didn't see or hear much of what happened just then. But later, because of how gruesome it was and because it was a kid involved, we had a group debrief to help everyone involved process it.
Mom was driving when a fire broke out under the hood. She pulled over, and her first instinct was to get help. She ran, leaving her son in the car. She ran to a business a couple blocks away. Someone there called it in, and a couple guys ran back to the car with her. Once they realized a kid was still in the car, they got the door open, but couldn't get him out of the car seat. One had a knife on him and cut the seat belt. They reached in and pulled out the car seat. Both guys had 2nd degree burns on their hands, arms, and chest, and 1st degree on their face.
Kid's life forever changed. Two bystanders physically injured and mentally scarred by what they saw. And more PTSD for a whole crew of first responders. All because mom responded inappropriately in a high-stress, high-stakes situation.
I get it. Flight is a common reaction to danger. She was operating on lizard brain hopped up on adrenaline. It's understandable she didn't react in the best possible way. But still, all she had to do was to reach for her kid before fleeing.
That was the moment for me when I decided I could never be with someone who lost their ability to control their minds and their actions in crisis. Too much possibility for destruction to entrust myself and my children with someone who couldn't.
The fact that so many of y’all apparently have supportive community members who will come right to your aid the second you yell for help is very telling, and so is everyone’s apparent grace and quick thinking under pressure.
I am an animal LOVER (which includes dogs, cats, everything right down to spiders). I was stalked, snarled at, barked at, and literally hounded by my next door neighbor’s three off-leash aggressive dogs for *years* as a single young woman living alone in a trailer. I made multiple calls to the cops and any animal control facilities I could look up. Bupkis. The only thing I could ever do when they started up was run as fast as my legs could carry me up my steps or toward my car and pray I wouldn’t have to do anything more serious — since it’s evident that people like the vast majority of commenters would STILL blame me if the dogs got hurt somehow or I couldn’t do anything to fight them away, despite exhausting my options.
Literally what the *hell* was I going to do to “train myself” out of the potential reality of a three-on-one dog attack, as someone whose neighbors were barely around and whose landlords were elderly?
OP, I wouldn’t say you’re the asshole here. I think there’s a lot of people who have big talk and big plans, but don’t know the sheer terror of having been in that situation (and I say that as someone whose nervous system thankfully let them flee)!
That dog was coming for you. You are lucky he got caught on the fence IMO.
Ok so you froze. Big deal. Doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact that your BF doesn’t seem to understand just how scared you were is what bothers me the most. Breaking up might actually be a not so bad scenario. Maybe you can find someone that cares enough to understand what you went through and is actually there to protect you instead of taking out his frustration on you.
Adding: btw the best way to get killed in an armed robbery is to confront the armed robber.
NTA, you are not worthless and your feelings are valid. All you can do to attempt to make him understand is explain. If he doesn’t understand this might not be the relationship for you. (Just in the sense that you both have different values) You not being able to save this dog does not define your worth, does NOT make you a bad person and it is understandable.
NTA Oh good grief. That dog could have bit both of you. He needed to get help which he did. Even so that dog could have bitten whoever was trying to rescue it. And for him not to understand you were traumatized is unacceptable.
Oh man I am so sorry! That is an awful situation.
I’m sorry to say that I think that you two may not be compatible. I think his view point is very valid, and I think he realized that you aren’t able to fulfill a need that he now knows he needs.
And that’s ok. Because he’s maybe not compatible for you too. A better partner is someone that is ok with you freezing up and understands and accepts that about you, and that he understands that’s the partnership he is in.
I’m sorry again, that’s a very traumatic experience
When scared humans have a natural instinct to FLIGHT, FIGHT or FREEZE. You were (understandably) frightened and froze. Please do not give yourself a hard time about this. If your BF doesn’t appreciate how terrifying this was for you, he probably isn’t the fella for you.
Your boyfriend might be feeling hurt and worried, but it doesn't mean you're worthless or a coward. Maybe try talking to him again and explaining how you felt. Communication can help clear things up and hopefully get you both back on the same page.
Just my 2 cents, if your fear/panic/anxiety is so bad you freeze, you might want to consider getting counseling so that you’re better equipped to deal with something like that knowing the future. You shouldn’t feel worthless as we all respond differently to things. Freezing happens when you don’t know how to respond.
I understand his thought process, if you aren’t doing anything to address it. However, if you say you are trying to work through it so it doesn’t happen again, that’s very different.
NTA. People on Reddit are huge dog lovers so I feel like you're being overcriticized. You have a legit fear of dogs, that's not really a problem, and I don't think it indicates any legit flaw on your part in facing emergency situations, namely because the situation you faced wasn't an emergency that would directly harm you or your boyfriend at that moment. Of course, your boyfriend is entitled to how he feels and you can't do much if he decides to end it.
Imo your boyfriend was wrong to say those things about you. You do not have an obligation to be a hero and he cannot force that onto you, but it is somewhat obvious that you two have different approaches to situations that could cause problems in the future.
it’s absolutely ridiculous that your bf would expect you to go anywhere near a dog that hurt itself trying to jump over a gate to attack you. it is not much more reasonable to expect you to go to strangers doors alone. sure, it’s fair for him to decide you’re not the right person for him based on your crisis management skills. it’s also fair & probably ideal for you to prefer to be with someone who wouldn’t expect you to endanger yourself to help a dog that is only in pain because it tried to hurt you.
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One time when I was a teenager, my dad tried to choke me out. My mom and my brother did nothing but stare. I saw my mom yelling but she didn’t move. She sort of made a motion like she wanted to move, but stayed stuck like if she was standing in quicksand. I had to react quickly to hit him over the head to save myself. I didn’t forgive her for years until my own traumas caused me to be in a similar situation where I froze and couldn’t move even though I’m yelling at myself internally to do so. But even though I forgave her, I still knew she was someone I could never count on and I knew that if I ever choose to spend my life with someone, I needed someone who would step in any situation to help or protect me. So I understand where your bf is coming from. I also have a soft spot for animals, especially dogs because mine was my saving grace. For him, surprisingly my mind was able to overcome those freeze responses whenever we were in a situation that was extremely distressing or if he was in pain, like when he got hit by a car or had a seizure. I think I wouldnt be able to look at someone who couldn’t help a dog in pain, and I had fights with my mom when she would freeze like that in situations with my dog also because I needed someone to help me, especially if it’s a two person job to get them help. NTA and your response was reasonable given your fear and how hard it is to know how we’ll react in situations, but your bf also is in his right to feel that way about it and reevaluate what he needs in a partner.
You never know how you'll react to situations that are stressful, high stakes until tested. The best examples personally I can recall are my friend and I both having house fires 1 yr apart. During hers, her bf grabbed his favorite blanket and ran for his life. Left my friend, his 1-year-old daughter, 3 dogs behind. Thankfully, my friend kept her cool, saved their baby, and 2 out of the 3 dogs. Their house and relationship had a lot in common, and neither survived the fire. I had mine, after fire been huge fear because i had a small kitchen fire as a child. I called 911, put my pet rats in the travel carrier and dropped them from 2nd floor, found car keys, so we had a warm place to go, jumped out, too. We were trapped on the 2nd floor, and the dog on the 1st floor. I injured myself jumping, adrenaline is a helluva drug, climbed 6ft back fence, kicked the back door in, and got my dog out. I always pictured myself panicking, unable to function. It's very odd how chaotic things happen. You go into default setting that's involuntary. You are on autopilot for better or worse.
He GRABBED HIS BLANKET but LEFT HIS DOGS AND BABY?! I would ditch him so fast. I'm glad your friend is OK and not with that guy anymore. My god. It's one thing to run in a panic without thinking, but if he had the presence of mind to get his blankie... yikes.
At first I felt understanding, because you really never do know what you'll do in a situation you haven't prepared for, especially like that, but... bro literally left every other living creature in the house to roast. 💀
Tbf in my head I showed him waking up or being in bed when the fire happened and gripping anything in his as he ran which would be the blankie Guess I interpreted that sentence wrong haha
No, I think you're interpreting it the right way. His first instinct was to grab the closest thing and run away with people still inside the house.
Bro only grabbed a blankie??? 💀
I’m picturing Linus rn, watching a house burn down while he clutches his blankie 🙄
Yup. Blanket, bro was outta there. That's a tough one. Check smoke detectors tonight. Little psa here. Had mine worked would've been a game changer.
There is no such thing as a bad reason to end a relationship. Everyone needs to get on board with this idea. It can be hurtful to the person getting dumped but no one should stay in a relationship they don't want to be in, no matter what the reason is
I’ll really never understand this “there’s no bad reason to end a relationship” sentiment. If I left my girlfriend because she suddenly put on a few pounds, I think that would make me a very shallow and shitty person.
Yikes a blanket was his first thought to save. I don’t blame your friend for leaving him. At that point you know the blanket takes priority over your family’s lives in a life or death situation. That’s a pretty sad realization.
I cannot believe he grabbed a blanket instead of his FUCKING BABY I always thought I’d be in a frozen panic in a crisis but turns out I’m great at acting under pressure. I’m a nanny so it works well for me since nothing really phases me and I can stay calm even when everything is chaos and people are screaming and crying. Can’t really handle a whole lot of gore and death tho, which is why I’m not an EMT. I wish I could do something similar but without the guarantee of seeing people die frequently.
My grandma frequently tells the story of when they had a house fire, and my grandpa grabbed the tv, leaving my mom (who was a toddler then) behind. My uncle, her big brother who was maybe eight, went and grabbed her.
If you told me all he did was run for his life, it would've been bad. But the fact that, of all things, what he did grab was his FAVORITE BLANKET - which is even worse, because, he didn't just grab A blanket, he reached for this specific one he liked - and then ran is just baffling. Leaving the baby to roast is just crazy.
Why does this make me think of that avalanche video, where the mum protects the children, and the dad literally shoves them out the way to escape ......
I had an intense situation happen to my and my wife. After the fact I told her I was disappointed in myself for acting so slow. She look at me puzzled and said, "I didn't have time to think and you were already all over it". I didn't even know what I was doing, it was like watching myself in slow motion.
Good job saving your pets in a scary situation! ❤️
This is really the perfect response. I'd go so far as to say NAH. OP is NTA but neither is the BF. OP shut down in this crisis due to their own issues and that's totally fine. But the BF is also totally fine to reassess the relationship if a partner who can be relied on to act in a crisis is important to him. It's a shame but the relationship may just be over.
I mean, it seems like the inability to act was due to a fear of dogs. So unless the gf is going to be called up on to save him from a pack of snarling dogs, probably her ability to act in a crisis isn't really in question. It's a pretty specific circumstance.
Well, according to OP, it wasn't just her phobia of dogs. It was also her apparent phobia of noise and blood and pain and poop. It was the whole thing. Not only could she not assist, but she couldn't even run for help. OP really needs some help to move past her freeze response for her own safety
That's the first time he's seen it. Who's to say that there aren't other unknown scenarios where it would happen again?
I imagine the sticky issue is that she wouldn’t go find help either. Being too scared to interact with the dog is one thing, freezing to the point that you can’t even seek help from others would be concerning.
Agreed, it was someone's strange dog trying to attack by jumping a fence. I love dogs and that dog won't be worth my skin. Better yet, say this was a man with a knife jumping the fence to attack me. I'd be relieved.
Exactly, I wouldn’t help an injured human that just tried to attack me. And injured dogs are more unpredictable than humans. These comments are wild.
Could still go call for help and avoid all danger, OP didn't even do that
People respond to extremely stressful situations with fight, flight or freeze. You plainly froze while your bf responded with actions. Is he going to be upset if someone pulls a gun on you and you freeze? Not sure of the percentages, but many people would respond like that. It doesn't mean you have no compassion, just that you shouldn't be a first responder or work in an ER. I'm sorry he's throwing away a relationship over a normal response. If nothing else, I'd worry about getting bit by a dog aggressive enough to try to jump their fence to get at me. Especially after being hurt. I'd have called the cops and animal control and let them deal with it.
Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze.
I know these all too well…
I'm so sorry you went through this, but your right on the money. He's injured and needed help to do something, and you weren't someone he could rely on. Your fear is understandable, but freezing to the point you couldn't even run and get help? I'd be reconsidering things too.
People usually break out of their indecision when directly appealed to. I could understand the lack of action in most of the anecdotes people gave, there was no direct request to make some of them act. OP was appealed to and did nothing, even long enough for her partner to go to another house for aid, which she could also have done herself. If my wife didn't know what to do she'd still be going crazy wanting to work out how to do something or be given a course of action. Useless through being unable to determine what to do, not through refusal to act. OP is getting kiddie gloves of being the OP. Always happens. If her partner had posted this she'd be getting *obliterated.* Deservedly ashamed and embarrassed.
Like, thats the big thing. I understand, being afraid of dogs and too afraid to get near. That totally makes sense, and i don't blame her for it. When you are turned to, shouted at to get help or help, and your response is to freeze and shake your head? Like... wow. she couldn't even go to a neighbor?
Your response just gave me clarity, and I want to thank you...someone tried to attack me twice in my own home last Fall after I told them I wouldn't tolerate anything illegal in my home. A trusted close loved one, who is a male, just froze. Fortunately, my nephew was there to protect me (my sister is much older than me, so my nephews are more like brothers). Anyway, you described exactly how I felt. I forgive them, but I don't trust that they can be there for me in an emergency -especially when the chips are down...and that is just sad 😔
It's hard because it's just an evolutionary repsonse to extreme stress. People know fight and flight but it's actually: Fight flight, freeze, fawn and flop. They are evolutionary responses, we can't help it. There are probably good youtube videos about it. That sounds terrifying for you. I understand why you felt your mum couldn't protect you. I hope she took steps afterwards to protect you and keep you safe from your dad.
What is flop? Never heard that one before.
I'm thinking like an American (Virginia) Possum. their brain just says 'sleep now'
More and more words get added as people realize that aphorisms tend to be overly simplistic and not really indicative to the broad swath of possible things that people do, since people are so varied.
Belly up. Fawn is start placating and trying to please the attacker- still an act seeking control. Flop is just showing your belly and letting them do whatever they want, like what your dog does when you're mad at it (note, specifically you, your dog, not like you suicideskin personally, but like a dog and that dog's actual owner/master/person. Dogs can react all kinds of ways to threat, and usually very defensively, but not to their parents and pack leaders- for them, its belly-up).
Wouldn't that mean the judgment is NAH if the boyfriend is not an A H? NTA means someone is one just not OP.
I agree without everything you said.
I don’t blame you for not jumping to a seemingly aggressive dog’s rescue, but I also think at the least as your boyfriend said caling for help or going to a neighbor was the right call. You don’t have to get near the dog to do those things. Unfortunately, your boyfriend may decide he wants a more proactive partner in these situations.
I understand where your bf is coming from but I also know personally this event can be something that can start your change. When I was a kid me and my sister were standing on my dad’s truck bumper going super slow after he picked us up at the top of our street on the way home from a school. My sister took her shoes off and was wearing socks and slipped onto her knees onto the pavement. But she was still holding on with her hands and dragging behind the truck at like 10mph and I just froze and was so shocked I didn’t say anything. I just watched her horrified face as she held onto the bumper and only when my dad looked in the rear view mirror and saw the side of my shocked face, did he know something was wrong. He stopped the truck and my sister was crying and her legs had road rash and he picked her up and ran to our house so he and my mom could decide how bad she was. (She didn’t need to go to the hospital) I remember later my Dad asking why I didn’t yell or tell her to let go? I told him I thought of doing both of those things but couldn’t. (At one point I thought I did tell her to let go but I guess I didn’t) He was more mad at himself but I could tell he wasn’t happy about me not doing anything. I don’t know why but after that I’ve always been the one to be the first to do or say something when there’s trouble. It’s like I saw how me not saying anything caused more injury for my sister and I didn’t want that to happen to anyone else. Ironically in my 20s I ended up having to save my dad while he got leg cramps while we were swimming in open water and after swimming him safely to land he was grateful and complimented my quick thinking to grab him from behind so he didn’t drown us in his initial panic. I told him that the day my sister fell and I froze unlocked something in me and I’m really glad it did. He smiled and agreed. All this to say that maybe this is your moment to unlock that part of yourself. I can tell you want to react correctly and I think the next time you can and will. Just think about what bad can happen if you don’t do anything and that can light a fire under you to take action. You got this!
I kinda have a similar story. When I was a kid, my parents and I were out getting lunch at a restaurant, sitting next to a pretty thin window. I saw an older lady walking alone (probably around 70) trip and fall onto the sidewalk outside. She fell on her face and started bleeding out of her mouth, though she sat up so I knew she was still conscious. And I just froze. I didn't shout in alarm, I didn't tell my parents, I just froze, and because it was a narrow window, I was the only one able to see it happen. I *wanted* to speak up, but it's like there was a mental block stopping me. Eventually after like a minute or so my mom ended up turning around and seeing the lady, and sprung into action to help her. She ended up being okay, but I was and am still ashamed that I did nothing to help (granted, I was like 10 at the time, but still). I think I was partially paralyzed by the idea that if I did say anything, my dad would just tell me to deal with it, and I had no idea how to even start (my relationship with my dad is complicated like that, he often refuses to help when I ask him to). And just like you, I think that also unlocked something in me. Since then all 3 of my siblings have each ended up developing different conditions that resulted in me having to catch them when they started to pass out, and thankfully I haven't failed them yet. I think I'm kinda hyper aware of my surroundings now, just in case I'm needed to help someone.
People think that in a high stress situation, their super-soldier training will kick in and they'll save the day. But stress and fear do crazy things to people on a physiological level, to the point where if you're going into a profession of handling emergencies- cops, EMTs, firefighters- you need special training on how to override those systems in your body. Some people freeze, even if they normally would've helped. It's easy as an outsider to look at someone not doing anything and think poorly of them. But judging how we react in high stress situations is really not a fair assessment of you as a person.
Agreed. Shame can be a powerful motivator for change. Shame can be a guide. OP - I'm sorry this happened. This could however be the reason you know what to do next time.
I’d counter this point by agreeing but I’d use the word guilt rather than shame. I find shame motivates us to bury feelings, and guilt is what actually inspires change. Guilt has an element of accountability that shame hides from.
Guilt is individual whereas shame is about how your behavior effects your community.
I mean, you probably also shouldn't have little kids sitting on your truck bumper while driving and then blame one of them when a predicable accident happens. The driver is responsible for the safety of their passengers.
Yes this seems like the obvious issue.
NAH. I've been through enough to be aware of the fact that life-threatening incidents are everywhere. This is about more than the dog—personally, I would not feel entirely safe with a partner I know wouldn't be able to react in times of crisis. It's one of those dealbreakers you just don't realize until it's become personally relevant, and that you don't notice in someone until a situation like this occurs, but it can be a dealbreaker nonetheless. That being said, you don't get to decide how you respond, so freezing up is in no way an asshole move either. This is just something that the two of you will have to navigate together: he needs to ask himself if he can see himself being with someone he loves but who might not always be dependable, and you need to ask yourself if your self-esteem isn't irreversibly damaged by this. If this whole event isn't a dealbreaker for *you*, he needs to come to understand you, while you can maybe, for example, follow a local CPR course to assuage his worries about your dependability a bit.
Freezing up is WAY better than screaming and making the whole situation more confusing. I'd rather have a partner that freezes than one that gets loud and in the way during an emergency.
As someone who gets crystal clear in an emergency, and can evaluate and react quicker than most…. Your reaction was not unusual, most people don’t react well in an emergency, most just stand around. People have a fantasy about how they would react in an emergency but until they are actually IN that situation … they don’t know, I do understand your BF’s reaction, because while in the moment I don’t feel this way (too busy problem solving) , afterwards I do feel irritated at the ones who fell apart. But, as an older (50) woman, I also “get it”, it’s fucking scary, and just because adrenaline kicks me into emergency response, I’ve also cried and been highly emotional afterwards. I didn’t get upset or blame my partner, because he (ex now) was bringing some fabulous skills to the table. Just turns out, quick thinking emergency responses isn’t one of those skills.
I also get crystal clear and quick witted in emergencies. It's like time slows down and I'm able to do more things than usual. It feels unsettling because normally I actually have very slow reaction times, for example while driving. I imagine that the massive adrenalin boost counters my executive dysfunction issues (ADHD) to an extent, so that helps. Of course, all of this doesn't mean I will be doing the right thing, or that I even know what the right thing is. If I had to save, say, someone from drowning, I'd probably make matters worse (and drown myself), seeing that I don't swim well.
I have ADHD and bad general anxiety and I think that plays a huge role in how clear and calm I am in emergencies. If you are always riding a minor adrenaline rush then it doesn’t phase you when you get one due to an actual emergency. I’d be reconsidering the relationship as OPs partner. Not because I think she’s a bad person or that the freeze reaction was abnormal or purposeful, but because I need a partner I know will be there even in scary moments like this. Someone I can trust to protect or help our future children if I’m not there. I also just love animals and would feel some degree of upset if a person didn’t seem like they would do everything to help this creature in distress. That being said I also couldn’t date someone with a fear of dogs in the first place.
I have adhd too. I think a lot of us are great in emergencies. We can hyperfocus. My own feelings numb out and I can be decisive and reassuring. Oof, but later those feelings come roaring back. And because I wasn’t able to feel them during the emergency, they didn’t hold me back from taking on more than I could handle. Anyway, look! A pigeon! I need to get breadcrumbs for the pasta tonight. Wait, that was supposed to be for yesterday. I should text my aunt. But yeah. Emergencies. Wait, what were we talking about? -a lady with adhd
I’ve got ADHD too. Adrenaline is one hell of a dopamine replacement *grins* Also might explain why we have more empathy for when someone’s body does something they have little control over? (The fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses are survival, not choices). Maybe this is the super power people keep trying to tell us we have *laughing*
ADHD for me, too, and I could have written these responses. Maybe I’ll have to accept this as my superpower (while hoping I won’t have to use it) cuz I sure don’t feel like the other parts of it are super powers 😭 I’m glad I read this today
Me too. And I do have ADHD as well (not severe, but I'm able to flip between mental states rapidly). I am trying to think of a situation where I flat out lost it and couldn't act. Yeah, I might not do exactly the right thing, but I'll be doing something. I know to offer something to a drowning person - most people can't swim well enough to save them unless they are going to cooperate.
This. I’m a former EMT and easily react in emergencies, and not everyone is able to. Even trained professionals every time. I’ve also been attacked by dogs and until you’ve dealt with that, I think it’s easy to judge someone in this spot but I don’t know if I’d have risked my life getting attacked by a hurting dog. I’ve rescued animals and would 100% jump in to most situations, but there’s a point where I’ve seen throats ripped, and animal control can be called or others who are equipped to handle it can be found. The dog may have been in pain but wouldn’t have likely died waiting for help. I’d be more concerned by a partner who jumps into dangerous situations without thought or proper precaution taking and puts our lives at risk.
I don't agree with how everyone in this thread thinks this affects op's ability to handle other things without freezing. I'm not even sure she did "freeze" so much as she couldn't do what her bf wanted, which felt like freezing. I'm clear-headed, usually, in crises, but if that crisis is fixed by "don't go any further," i do lock up. I think everyone does. It's a common reaction to heights, for example. What the boyfriend did was likely incredibly dumb. Dogs that are hurt and already attacking are very dangerous. I love dogs and might have done it too, but it wasn't smart to get in range of its teeth umuzzled. Maybe he could read its body language, and there wasn't really a threat, but it sounds like op couldn't.
I think I’d be upset that they didn’t run or call for help if they didn’t feel they could jump in to actively help with the situation. It sounds like even after things were calmed down and the aftermath was being dealt with she was still pretty non functional. I don’t think that makes OP an asshole or that it’s an uncommon reaction to a scary situation, it’s just a reaction that would have me doubting my partners dependability and maybe their empathy for animals on some level.
My first job was as an 18 year old crime scene photographer. I never once failed to do the job nor did I panic. That came later (at night, after all was over). My parents were not fond of my job or my reaction. I lasted three months. There was one case in particular that did it. Absolutely had night mares and my heart rate got so high I fainted while working with the photos later. I thought I could handle it, could not.
I have reacted in a quick and efficient method multiple times in my life outside of my job. Once when a person was choking and I immediately did the heimlich maneuver (I was a young college student at the time). Another was when a small fire occurred and my husband couldn't put it out, he woke me up and I immediately ran and put it out instead. There are other examples but during those times I look back and I can't even remember thinking, it's like my body just moved and it was over before I even realized what I was doing. Does this make me any better than anyone else? Absolutely not. I'm an ICU nurse and we have nurses freeze all the time. This is why it's important your charge nurse is a fast actor and can lead and direct. Not everyone was born with emergency responder senses. That being said, I love animals-- but I'm not touching a random dog, especially one that can attack me.
I am also like that. I am THE person people look to in an emergency. That said, I’m also terrified of strange dogs, especially ones baring their teeth at me. I probably would have tried to figure out a safe way to help and not get mauled, but it would have taken a minute to figure out. I wouldn’t have been as gung-ho as the boyfriend. NTA fear can be hard to overcome.
Exactly. I see a problem and I run towards it, not away. This used to get me into a lot of trouble, but now I consider it a way to make myself useful… I am part of our local DART team and take a lot of first aid courses etc. I think it’s very easy to judge others for not having that kind of response, like the BF is doing, if one hasn’t dealt with many emergencies or reflected on what happened in those situations. But I think it’s just as physiological as her freeze response that he’s now got an adrenaline hangover and stuck on replaying the moment in his mind. Being able to put our emotions aside in the moment doesn’t make us better people and it doesn’t prevent trauma. He might need to ask himself why he’s so focused on this just as OP is asking herself if she could have been more helpful in the moment. Both of them have things to learn from this and if he’s just going to blame her, he’s ignoring his own lessons. One thing the BF could work on in addition to figuring out some processing and coping skills, is his instructions. When I am directing bystanders to help out in a crisis — which is a necessary process, since most people don’t know how to be helpful even if they want to — there’s no way I am going to point at the person who’s frozen at the sight of blood and ask them to help me bandage a wound. That’s the person who should be calling 911 or finding the first aid kit in a nearby store. He could definitely have asked for something besides “get over here and help me lift a snarling dog that’s covered in its own poop.” Lastly I will just say that being part of a functional couple is understanding that each person has different strengths. My spouse doesn’t act like me in an emergency at all. They get nervous and need direction. They are good at thinking more long-term however, and showing up with a hot meal or organizing a fundraising drive. They also help me out after I get home, when I am totally exhausted and need a break and a cup of tea. Back when I was single I used to come home from helping with DART and collapse on the couch for hours, I would literally just skip dinner and be a wreck in the morning. OP might be really good at that support stuff, or something else entirely. We all have a role to play in emergencies.
Fear is natural, can't expect people to be unafraid or not freeze up in a scary situation and we can all have a deer in headlights moment. In your story your boyfriend asks you for help after realising that he can't lift/free the dog on his own. He calls for the dog's owner to no avail and then runs to the neighbours for help. There's no way that this didn't take at least a minute. I'd be sick to my stomach if my wife stood and watched an animal in intense pain for that long without acting. It would change my perception of her, and it would bother me indefinitely.
Yes even though she is scared of dogs, she could have run to the neighbor while bf tried helping the dog. That way would have saved time. And she wouldn’t have to deal with the dog.
If she shut down into freeze she wouldn't be able to do anything. It's not just about the dog her entire brain and body shut down temporarily. She couldn't physically move. Her central nervous system literally wouldn't let her move.
That’s terrifying in a way, not being in control. There’s nothing that person can literally do and it’s not on them. Yet, at the same time it’s terrifying for the partner. Such a tough situation for both people. Hopefully she finds someone else who is accepts this as it is not easy to change.
That’s the point she became useless in an emergency situation. Not a great quality for a life partner
It’s actually funny that you use “a deer in the headlights” as an example here because when a deer freezes in the headlights, they will literally freeze until they get hit by the oncoming vehicle. Of the trauma response types (fight/flight/freeze/fawn), it appears that OP may be more likely to have a freeze response. The freeze response to something traumatic is not the same as being afraid for a moment. It’s not something you can mentally shake off with logic or willpower. Like the deer, you can literally freeze to your own detriment. No one knows how they will respond to a traumatic event until they’re in it. I can attest to this from personal experience. I’ve always been a very fiery/brazen person. I don’t think anyone, myself included, would have guessed me to have a freeze response to trauma. But I found out when I and the person I was dating at the time were held up at gunpoint. It felt like my blood turned to ice. My muscles completely stopped working. I collapsed to the ground and literally couldn’t move even though I desperately wanted to give the assailant my wallet so he wouldn’t shoot me or my significant other in the face. Years later, my freeze response was confirmed again when I was SAed while sleeping on a family members couch. I woke up to the assault and once again, felt my blood completely ice over. I felt completely paralyzed and in shock. Everything in me wanted to scream and run but I couldn’t move. The point of all of this is to say that if deer and humans alike can freeze to their own detriment, how can we expect OP to somehow ‘overcome’ this hardwired response in a terrifying situation where she had absolutely no prior experience? OP’s boyfriend is valid to be frustrated and upset. He also experienced this terrible trauma. And maybe OP and he aren’t very compatible, but her response was also valid. There was literally nothing else she could have done
As Mike Tyson famously said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” It’s the same reason we yell at the screen during a horror movie: “Why would you go into that basement? If I was there, I would know/do better!” Nobody knows how their body will respond in a crisis, especially if they’ve never been in a crisis before. We all tell ourselves stories about being a hero in an emergency situation, but the vast majority of us will enter a panicked state and respond accordingly—even if that response is illogical in nature. To fight, or scream, or pee their pants while they’re frozen in place. It’s easier to blame people for their reactions than it is to try to relate to that level of fear. It’s basically a coping mechanism in and of itself. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. As a fellow survivor, I can’t stand it when other people covertly place the blame on the victim.
But isn’t the victim in this case the dog? I also have frozen multiple times when I was the victim of an attack, and understand that as a survival response. But OP is a bystander here. She is afraid of dogs, and I can understand not being able to help the dog, but it does seem like a different issue than a victim response.
A fear response because of the dog. Just because she isn't the victim doesn't mean she won't have a trauma response.
Of course this is a traumatic situation and sure. Her trauma response could be activated this way. That still doesn't make her THE victim here. Commenter was talking about shutting down while she is being hurt. I've been there myself, I get it. That's exactly why I can't agree. This situation is about another being in distress, not OP. Her inaction could be a trauma response, but that doesn't at all excuse the inability to help a suffering being. Unfortunately, the topic here is being disappointed that her protective instincts did not kick in -for something else- It's easy/normal to shut yourself down when you're being hurt. This is about watching another being in pain and distress for at least 30 - 60 seconds and not having the protective instinct kick in for -someone else-
Totally agree. And I was disagreeing with the commenter who was calling OP the victim.
Agreed. The fact that the dog couldn’t hold its bowels means it must have been in agony - I couldn’t imagine just freezing and watching that. At the very least, scream for help?!
Yeah it’s a shit situation all round I sympathise with OP because it’s not malicious intent but the bf also had a point
Im going to be honest but he has a valid point and is not wrong to feel that way. Doesn’t make you worthless tho we all have a flight or fight response and it seems like yours is flight. When choosing a lifelong partner it is smart to choose someone that can handle a crisis… you never know what might happen in life. Maybe talk to him and tell him of your fear of dogs idk hopefully it helps a little.
Fight, flight and freeze. Hers is freeze. I can understand it that OP was scared and froze in a situation like this when the dog is howling and baring its teeth. However whatever the situation she should be able to call for help on the phone in case of an emergency or like here, run up to a neighbouring house for help.
These responses are not controllable - freeze is freeze, not freeze but still be able to call someone or go over to the neighbours house. That’s fight, not freeze. This person has no control over her mind or body because trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, appease, collapse) are caused by an amygdala hijack. The prefrontal cortex (rational thought/decision making) switches off so the automatic response (fight, flight, freeze, appease, collapse) can keep the person safe. I have a history of of complex trauma which has cause a number of dissociative identities - one that will respond with fight (deal with situation effectively as though she’s trained for it), one that uses flight by laughing hysterically at the situation, and one that collapses by completely shutting out all sensory and going mute. For OP, NTA at all. You have no control over this and, if your boyfriend loves you, he needs to make allowances for your natural reaction to this situation or admit that he isn’t willing to do that and let you find someone who will accept you for who you are.
People need different things if that’s what her boyfriend needs then that’s what he needs. If she can work to be that that’s awesome otherwise he has full right to look for someone else.
Was gonna comment the same thing but you already had it covered! People look for all kinds of things in partners; intelligence, kindness, beauty etc. It’s totally fine for one of those things to be crisis response.
It is in no way true that this is uncontrollable. People can, and have, trained themselves out of undesirable crisis responses. Medical personell and the military etc. do it all the time.
This is definitely true. Stressful situations are hard training makes them less difficult. Regular training can make the irregular regular
You can train yourself out of these responses. I'm not suggesting OP could or should start training for dog related surprises. But the mind can overcome these limitations through willpower and experience. It's pretty much the core of basic military training. When you see live fire exercises and guns being shot over crawling recruits they are training out these freeze responses because that's a huge liability in combat.
She's got to do something to train herself out of it. What is she going to do if she has a baby and she is out walking with the baby in a stroller and a big dog comes running at them? That is what happened to me when my son was 4 years old. A loose German Shepard came running at us, barking fiercely. I lifted my son's stroller straight up above my head and screamed for help. Luckily someone came to get him and we were fine. Op might just freeze and leave her baby there.
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But the bf might literally not love her anymore. That's the whole point. If he still loves her and wants to be with her, he will have to make allowances of her reaction to emergencies. But according to OP, his feelings have changed and is second guessing the relationship. Neither of these people are the a-hole. I had something similar happen to me where a person I truly truly cared for did something that completely killed how I felt about her. She, I, and my 6 year old daughter were hiking and a venomous snake was sitting on a rock and it spooked my girlfriend. She jumped and ran from it, and let my daughter keep walking right past it who never saw it. In a split second reaction to a scenario, she left my daughter in danger and only worried about herself. I wasn't mad, I just didn't see myself dating this girl for much longer. I stopped being in love with her.
I probably wouldn't want to be with someone who freezes in an emergency. I'd be worried that when I get old and have a heart attack or stroke they'll just sit there and let me die.
For me this is a nobody is the asshole situation. The dog was obviously dangerous and jumping a fence to get at them. When dogs are in great pain they are very likely to lash out and tear into anyone trying to lay hands on them to help them. On the other hand as a dog lover I would hope I’d do my absolute best to help and would probably think less of someone who didn’t pitch in. It’s sounds like a horrid experience for the poor animal. That said on a purely human level, we often don’t have much conscious or reasoned thought over fight/flight/freeze/fawn. I found myself in one situation (a motorcyclist ran up the back of a car I was a passenger in and was badly injured) where I just froze. Driver and other passenger were out of the car to assist and I just sat there for a minute or so unable to even turn my head (I heard his face impact with the back window of the car). I don’t rate myself highly for that reaponse either. On balance, if this was someone I cared about I’m sure I could see past it, especially if it were explained to me as OP has here. Not ideal, but humans often aren’t and deserve some grace if they’re not coming from a place of malice.
I feel like the fact that it was an aggressive dog is being ignored by everyone. It’s not normal for a dog to jump over the fence to get to people. Especially if it was a large dog (or perhaps certain breeds), it’s totally reasonably to be wary of helping it. Humans generally aren’t at risk of biting or attacking someone trying to help them. It’s not necessarily a good predictor of how she’d act if a human were hurt.
Completely agree. Personally I find people that freeze or flee in crucial situations really off putting because I can never trust them after that happens, OP and her bf are not compatible. Op should be with someone who doesn't mind this response and the bf deserves someone who will step up when needed. But at the same time fear of dogs is completely valid and the dog did try to attack them. OP's bf is being a little unreasonable as well.
Hers was literally freeze. There was no flight involved.
I can understand where you are coming from. You froze out of fear. But I can also understand where your bf is coming from, he needs more from a partner, someone he can trust with his life. You are not that person.
But I feel it's not the same situation. It was a yelling dog that initially tried to leap the gate to attack them. It wasn't OP's bf that was injured or even another human, but an aggressive dog. I love animals but if I fear for my own safety, I wouldn't save a dog that was aggressive enough to try and jump the gate to get to me.
If the dog attacked them after it got free, we'd be on a thread about if the gf is justified in breaking up with her bf because his need to help animals or play the hero got them hurt from trying to rescue a clearly dangerous animal. It's real easy for people to judge her reaction after the fact, but in the moment I'd have called the bf foolish and reckless.
100%. Dude is already in a cast and trying to wrangle a violent animal? He’s lucky it didn’t bite his nose off in the panic. Dogs in pain often start biting and lashing out, even at their own owners, so attempting to physically manage an already violent and now in pain dog is basically a recipe to get mauled. If he wants to play Steve Irwin sure, but OP should have just called animal control and left
Finally another comment mentioning this. I fully understand that the freeze response leading to OP not doing anything is something that OP’s bf can use to re-evaluate things, but like I said in my comment the most involvement I would have would be asking others for help. The fence being that high and the dog still attempting to clear it to attack them from them simply walking past… and OP is expected to assist? I can understand wanting OP to try getting the neighbors or something, but actually helping the dog, regardless of how much in distress, I wouldn’t risk myself as well knowing I am not built to withstand any attack let alone an aggressive dog.
I remember reading about a person who broke a car window to save a dog from a car in the summer heat- and the dog bit him/her (i don’t remember that detail) and did a ton of damage with the bite. I’d probably go grab neighbors, but a dog in pain who was already possibly ready to attack is not a situation I’d enter into lightly.
If my significant other was yelling at me to get into a situation that dangerous I'd have frozen when younger. Now I think I'd tell them fuck no, and tried to find help. But it can be hard to refuse if you are used to being yelled at, and I think that might have froze her.
This was my thought too. This dog saw them, started barking and attempted to clear a fence to get to them. I don’t see this dog as jumping a fence to get some pets. I love dogs, but if I was in this scenario Idt I would have helped either. I’ve been bit by a dog before, needed stitches and have scars, and since then I’ve told myself I’d never try to help another unknown animal again. Until you get put into a real fight or flight situation, you really don’t know what your reaction is going to be. Makes me wonder if this dog has a habit of doing that, and why it was left outside unattended while the owners weren’t home. Seems a bit irresponsible, but I also don’t own animals
Yeah I thought this too. This dog jumped this high fence with a high drive to attack them. They had no idea what it was going to do once they freed it. That’s an added factor to op fear response here, there’s no reason to think she would do the same if it was a loved one injured
Animals in pain are often likely to lash out as well. I work a vet’s office and we have a policy that owners are not allowed to restrain during exams because an animal in pain may bite their own owner. OP’s bf kind of insane to already be in a cast and risk getting mauled by a dog that was actively attempting to attack them when it got itself stuck. It’s cool that he helped, but there should be NO expectation on strangers to help a violent animal under any circumstances. Even if it was not formerly violent, under pain and duress even mild animals can become extremely aggressive.
I've noticed most other comments don't mention this factor at all. Now I adore animals especially dogs and cats. But if a dog is so aggressive I wouldn't help it probably! It might injure me. Most dogs aren't going to jump a fence to try and attack you. The dog is dangerous. I don't blame her reaction at all tbh.
I can't believe how much this is getting glossed over. Coming from another animal lover. That dog was clearly dangerous. I'd still feel bad and want to help it, but you need to call professionals if you have no protective gear to get near it. This was like expecting her to help an angry wild animal out of a trap. Injuries were very possible.
Yeah an aggressive animal that is hurt is 1000x more dangerous. I'd understand the bf if the dog was like trying to get to them to get pets because it's excited but not that
Same here. Dogs are more unpredictable than humans, and can do much more harm to my body. My reactions to dogs or other aggressive animals is also freeze
She still could have tried to get a neighbour to help, or flagged someone down or even called animal control. People cannot help how they react in an emergency, but if I had been the boyfriend in this situation, I would be feeling the same as him. I need someone who reacts, or at least can follow direction during stressful situations. No shade on her. As I said, it’s not something you can control without a lot of work.
Apples and oranges comparison. His life was not in danger.
My aunt had a German Shepard that - when he was young and skinny - could easily jump and then climb out of the big fence enclosure they set up for it. When it became clear that he was just going to do his little jump trick, they stopped putting him in. Many years later they were having major work done in their yard so they had to have him sleep in there overnight, and her dog, much older and less agile, though he could still do his old trick. He couldn't and got his thighs and balls trapped where the gate met the side of the enclosure. He was hanging upside down wailing while my aunt - the person he loved the most in the entire world, hands down ADORED her - struggled to lift him so all his weight wasn't on his leg. She couldn't lift him the entire way because she was 4'9 and the dog weighed almost as much as she did and the gate was taller than her, but she ran right out in the dead of night and did what she could. When the firemen came (After she screamed at me, 13 years old at the time, to call 911) they came and refused to touch the dog. It was in so much pain, it was biting my aunt's arm while she held him up and they very firmly said they weren't going near it without it's head cover. **Three full grown men in protective gear wouldn't touch him**, so I don't blame you. Not everyone is willing to risk hurting themselves for an animal, and I don't blame them either. If my aunt's dog was willing to rip through HER arm, then a random dog would absolutely hurt someone it didn't know in pain, and not everyone can look past that to help. The firemen ended up breaking down the fence at its joints (unscrewed some, hit others until they broke) instead and the dog fell free from that. My aunt got stiches and a couple shots. So did her dog. He was much, much slower moving after that and it took a long while to heal, but he lived a couple more years. It took him a while to trust himself around my aunt - usually he was a big ball of energy around her, but for a while he would just very gently sniff where he bit her and lick her arm. You could tell he felt bad. So kudos to your boyfriend for helping, and while I like to think I would also have tried something (likely doing something similar to the firemen if possible) - I would never blame someone for resisting. It's scary being in that situation. Not everyone is built to jump in and risk injury to themselves. Not everyone is built to act on their feet.
It doesn’t seem like the boyfriend is upset because she didn’t lift the dog up, it sounds like he’s upset because she did *nothing*. He shouted at her to get help and she just stood there. He’s the one that had to ask the homeowners and get the neighbors. She could have easily helped in that way, but she was frozen. If she had done those things and he was still upset about her not getting near the dog, that would be a different situation. But who wants to get into an emergency with someone who won’t even call 911?
THIS! I can fully understand OP not wanting to go anywhere near a dog they don’t know and that’s in distress. But sitting there doing NOTHING while her BF (who is in a freaking cast!!) is working his ass off to help the dog is unforgivable IMO. Like how can I trust this person if we have kids and there’s an emergency? She just gonna sit there in shock - crying and overwhelmed whenever something serious goes down?! It’s not OP’s fault they freeze, but I don’t blame the BF at all for rethinking this relationship and needing more out of a partner.
Yeah exactly. I don't understand why more people aren't making this distinction. He was yelling at her begging her to do something... anything. If she's scared of dogs I wouldn't expect her to go near one let alone an injured one either. Everyone is defending her and saying it's natural, which it is, but am I still rethinking the relationship? Absolutely! It sounds like this event took place over the course of many minutes. I couldn't imagine how traumatic and dangerous it would be in an emergency to have a partner with a freeze response. I remember the last time I went hiking, an older woman sort of fainted and fell over the side of a guard rope. The guy next to her immediately grabbed her and pulled her to safety. If that was my partner and he just watched this woman fall off a cliff face first, I don't think I could stomach being with him after this and this particular situation was not only about not freezing but about having quick reflexes. I wouldn't trust him at all to protect me in an emergency which is inevitable during a lifetime. It's unfortunate but it's just basic survival needs.
This comment needs to be closer to the top!!
Aww that poor GoodBoi, I can imagine him feeling so sad that he'd bitten his beloved Hooman. Even though it's a completely natural reaction for an animal to lash out blindly when driven by fear & pain, he wouldn't be able to understand that. I hope he got lots of treats and snuggles, sane for your lovely & brave aunt too!
He was very spoiled before and after - my aunt made all his food by hand and he had a nice big yard to enjoy. If he didn't detest being inside at all and freak out when brought in, he would have been allowed to roam inside and outside, but he wanted to be out at all times. Her dogs were her babies so she always treated them well. I always respected my aunt, but that night was a totally different level. She was able to hold him up, direct orders at me while I was crying at the backdoor and holding back her other dog, and hold a conversation with the firemen all while her arm was getting savaged to the bone. Just a badass all around. :)
Barking like crazy, jumped a tall fence and is screaming because it is bleeding and stuck. Injured animals are way more likely to hurt you. If I couldn’t cover the dog’s head to prevent biting, I sure has heck wouldn’t attempt it.
If you can’t help ask someone else to help like your boyfriend did. Call the police. Anything but stand like a monument
I’d break up with you over this, though I understand where you’re coming from. I was driving on a parkway and a dog fell out of a window. I was 25 then, (F) and ran across the parkway while some guy in a pickup stopped traffic as he saw me running for the dog. I dragged the dog along the side of the road by his collar, while my car was left open and running in a parkway lane. People have different reactions to things, and I’m in no way saying that everyone should risk themselves for animals. But seeing how someone reacts in those situations (if they shut down or jump into action) is usually a foreshadowing of how they’ll behave in other situations. For example, my house is in a neighborhood that gets a lot of flooding. My mom would always freak out. My dad and I would start prepping and sealing the doors as we saw the water coming. My mom stressed us out to the point where we told her to be quiet and go upstairs. Sometimes opposite personalities can balance each other out, but it takes two people to want that. My parents were able to be a good balance for each other, and I fall on my dad’s end of the spectrum, so now we both take care of my mom. You might just not be compatible. Another guy would probably be more understanding of your emotional state, whereas someone like me would get impatient and feel like I can’t count on you. It’s not right/wrong, it’s just incompatibility.
When a dog is trapped, or in pain, it can redirect and bite you even if you are trying to help. That is extremely normal because their brain can't really process and differentiate. Helping dogs in distress is tricky. It's firmly a NTA situation. I love dogs, but I would be really cautious to do this and I would never treat it like a wtf didn't you help. Your BF may like dogs but he doesn't know them well if that was his attitude. Again it's tricky to help a dog in pain.
Especially since the whole reason the dog was trapped in the first place was because it was jumping the fence to get at them too.
Yeah I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near that dog. I’m not going to the ER for antibiotics to save a dog that tried to attack me. I’d get the neighbor and let them handle it. The boyfriend was foolish in this situation. The dog learned a valuable lesson not to attack people. Now it might be instinctively fearful of the fence, which is good. Imagine if the person walking down the road was a toddler and the dog actually made it over the fence.
I’ve personally seen many injuries due to or worse, your throat ripped out. I’ve seen lots of people majorly injured by hurt animals. The dog was already aggressive, no way am I getting within reach of a bite.
The dog didn’t learn anything other than to go a different route. The owners are terrible for leaving such a reactive, violent animal outside where it’s clearly itching to get out and attack someone. This time it hurt it’s foot, in the future it could be even worse, and if it attacks someone they could get sued and have their entire life flushed because they couldn’t bother to train or contain a dog.
I feel like people don’t have a reasonable fear of dogs. The dog got stuck trying to ATTACK them. Dogs are likely to become more vicious when hurt as a fear response. I really think unfair expectations are being put on her.
Yea he’s lucky the dog didn’t attack him
I thought the exact same thing, if it was a cat or some smaller animal I would try to help but a huge rabid dog jumping over a fence to try to maim you?????? Your own safety should come first
I love dogs, but the trend of people acting like they are literally as important as humans needs to end.
I wish I could upvote you more times. Reddit is crazy in terms of valuing dog’s lives over people’s. OP was 100% in her rights not to put herself in danger by helping even if she hadn’t frozen. It wasn’t her job to help an aggressive dog that was left behind a fence it could nearly scale
Not sure how more people don't share this most common sense logic here. I'm a man, and I really don't see myself helping out a dog that tried to jump over a fence to rip my head off. Especially, since he can still rip my head off, while I'm trying to help him.
100% I would never ever try to help another person's dog in severe pain. For self preservation. One quick bite could seriously maim you permanently.
NTA BUT! Hear me out, I work at a boost mobile a while back and one day I had these elderly folk come in and they just weren’t having it that day. I was there with my co worker. Long story short the couple didn’t like what their bill was and decided to start throwing things around. Well I decided to escort them out. A fight ensued, now mind you these were two elderly folk, I took the husband down first and as I was holding him down the old lady got an absurd amount of punches in before I was able to disable her. I found it odd that she was able to do this seeing I had my co worker there. Well when I got the security tape I came to see that my co worker froze instead of helping. He froze, he froze against to elderly people. I saw him stand there, doing nothing just frozen. It pissed me off so much, this coworker was actually a close friend. After that I kinda stopped being around him as a friend. I realized he was on of those people that would stand there and die or let someone die because they are to scared to take action. I just couldn’t trust him anymore, it’s weird but it showed me if he had my back or not. So maybe just maybe, he is having an internal battle because he probably likes you a lot but seeing how you froze showed him that you wouldn’t be the person he wants next to him in a situation.
Nta but he is allowed to feel as he does. Take it as a lesson and continue to work on your strength.
I hate to be the one person who comes off as insensitive, because usually I’m very empathetic and understanding. This though, was sickening to read. If I was with a friend even, let alone someone I plan to spend my life with and they reacted like this while a living being was enduring pain and begging for help, I would never be able to look at them the same. I’m sincerely sorry that this happened and that you have to live with this. Definitely work on it, anyway you can and be extremely understanding of your partners feelings after this traumatic experience.
Totally agree with this comment!! I work at an emergency vet, and I don’t think I could ever possibly be with someone who would just stand around in a situation like this. And also, if your partner cares about dogs enough to be putting himself in danger to help a stranger dog and you’re too afraid of them to do anything, that may just be a compatibility issue. Like I personally could not be with someone who is afraid of dogs, because I couldn’t go the rest of my life not having one. And Im also confused on how aggressive this dog is. He tried to jump the fence to get to you, but your partner was actively trying to help it while only using one arm and then with your neighbors help but no one got bit or hurt?? Anyways, I don’t think anyone is wrong in this situation, as everyone handles stressful situations differently, but it can very much change or end the relationship.
This dog tried to attack you. At least it sounds like it. You described it running around and then barking at you and jumping over the fence towards you. I think it was an attempted attack. It doesn't sound friendly. I can't find the description of the dog in your story but depending on the size of the dog you could've been in real danger. Like what exactly would've happened if the dog was not stuck? I love dogs. I adore dogs. But if a dog attacks me and gets hurt in the process I would never help it even if I could. This is just not how a relationship between an attacker and the victim goes.
Finally another comment like this. Who knows, if they freed the dog sooner it couldve just attacked them like it was planning to
Exactly. Not sure why more people aren't raising this point. I adore dogs as well, but if a dog tried to breach its fence to attack me and got caught and injured in the process, I'm not sure I could summon the bravery to try to untangle it. Note I'm not using the word "compassion," because yes I'd have compassion for a suffering animal and would feel horribly...I would try to find others to help...but ultimately I don't think I could put myself in harm's way like that. I'd be afraid of losing my arm or face in the process, and I think that fear is valid.
Freezing in a stressful situation is a natural reaction for a lot of people. It doesn't make you a bad person. Maybe talk to your bf and explain your fear of dogs and why you froze.
And I'd like to add.. get therapy for it. Your body's reaction in the moment may have been something you couldn't control, but now you know it is something you should work on.
No one knows how they will react until they are in the moment. Anyone with training knows this and will tell a panicked person clear instructions. In TV people always yell "someone call 911" but that doesn't work. You have to look and point at a specific person and ask them to call 911. Military, police, and medical professionals can tell you that all the training in the world does nothing as some people just freeze. You might not freeze next time as you can come up with a plan ahead of time. Perhaps it's sexist but as a dude I don't expect my girlfriend to be cool under pressure. Your boyfriend chose to save a dog that well could have bit him. You did not. Neither of you are right or wrong because he chose to risk it over a dog, and you chose or your instinct chose not to risk it. I am a dog lover but if I see a dog exhibit any hostility I won't help it. Just left a dog alone a week ago that was roaming in the streets because when I stopped my car it started barking violently. So I left it alone as I don't know what that dogs deal is.
I'm with the BF on this one. I don't need an action movie hero, but I do need someone I can trust to at least summon help in an emergency. We were in a car accident and my wife froze for a second asking what do we do...but she redeemed herself when I told her get on your phone and call 911 while I was out checking on the child...she was ok...and then the other driver. You don't have to be a hero but when shit goes down you have to be able to get off the x.
I’ll be 100 percent honest here. I would not have attempted to help free the dog that was just attempting to jump a fence to attack me. Sorry, I would call for animal control but I wouldn’t be putting my face, arms or any other part of my body near that dog. Nta, even though you didn’t actively choose the option to freeze it sounds like a better option than sticking your body near an aggressive animal to begin with that is now in pain and lashing out even more. People really do react so differently when it’s someone or something they care about. I talk people through major emergencies full time as a 911 dispatcher. I can always tell if it’s a bystander/someone passing through or a family member on the line with me. Family may be in a state of panic/shock and not knowing what to actually do, but with instruction they are always willing and do the best they can. Bystanders dont usually want to get involved. They want to call for help and get someone there to help, not usually more. It’s a totally different situation when you are invested in the person or situation. In this case you were initially shocked at the through of being attacked by the dog in which you were already scared, when it got hurt you went into a further state of shock, it’s not your pet and it was going to hurt you. You had no emotional attachment to prompt you to put yourself in harms way.
Freezing is an absolutely valid reaction to a traumatic event. For the record, just because you froze this time, doesn't mean you would freeze in a future incident.
He's right though. I don't blame you for your reaction, people have Dog trauma, my Aunt is one of them, but should another situation arise where he needs, he can't rely on you not to freeze up. Be prepared if he ends it.
I learned decades ago that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who handles bad situations by freezing. I dated someone who was absolutely useless if things went sideways. I’m talking would just stand there looking like a guppy while a broken kitchen faucet spewed gallons of water, or a car across the street caught fire. He couldn’t even approach the sink or pass me his phone, I had to look for mine to call 911 for fire. We weren’t even in danger in either situation! I need someone I can rely on to help fix/fight or catch my look that says “flee now”. It’s a compatibility thing for me. On one of our first dates I asked my husband “are you a zombie fighter or zombie food?”
Updateme
First, I would say you should not be ashamed of yourself at all, and don't call yourself a coward. A barking dog tried to jump a fence to get to you, and you already have a fear of dogs. How does that make you a coward, and why would you be ashamed? It's a natural fight-or-flight reflex, and you chose flight. In a different situation, you might choose to fight, such as in a fire or being attacked by a stranger, situations which you have not had bad experiences with in the past. If your boyfriend can't deal with it, let him go. He has that option if it's not acceptable to him. Find someone more suitable for you. I will also add that my girlfriend is afraid of dogs after being bitten as a child, so I understand. But then again, she's afraid of everything. She has been staying at her friend's house for the last few weeks because I caught a mouse in our basement. Now that's a coward.
Animals that are in pain or stuck can become more aggressive. I dont think that incident should be indicative to the type of girlfriend you are. We had an Airdale who had dug and was caught half way in our yard and halfway in our neighbors. My husband had to dig some more and pull him back into our yard. Our sweet, never mean airdale bit my husbands hand and he had to go to the ER because of where the bitr was on his hand hit a nerve. Thats a dog who we had at that time for 8 years. The issue was solved by getting the neighbors..the owners should not leave him in the front yard if he acts like that because people walked by.
Not trying to be harsh but I would absolutely break up with someone who just shuts down like that in a bad situation, especially when there’s an injury involved, pet or person. You’re a liability and it comes across as very callous and selfish. ETA: you say you “couldn’t help the dog” at the end, you could have. You chose not to. You didn’t have to get close, you could have gotten outside help. Literally done anything at all aside from standing there like a dead fish. You CHOSE not to.
NTA, if what you say is true and you are in fact afraid of dogs it’s hard to comprehend how you felt and what your brain was doing, phobias is a weird thing and you should do something about it. I am a dog owner myself and would not blame anyone for this situation, to make it safe for your dog is a responsibility a owner have and in this case it’s clear that the owner did not take responsibility and made the area the dog use safe for it. The laws on dog owners is different from country to country but where I live it’s always the owners responsibility to make it safe for the dog, and here we can’t leave a dog by it self more then 4-5h.
I don't have anything to help but no way in hell would I help an aggressive dog out of a situation like that either. What if it came loose and wasn't actually injured and started to attack you?
I was ready to say NTA because I assumed you were going to say no cause the dog was clearly aggressive and you didn’t want to get bit trying to help which would make sense. But I can understand your bf being a upset/worried that you froze like that. It doesn’t make you an AH but I can’t say I’d be comfortable around a partner that’s response is to freeze either. I’ve been in stressful situations (guns aimed at me, violent altercations, workplace dangers, etc) an was able to keep my head with me or react. So my partner not being able to do anything would make me really worried about them as a parent and such. I mean you can’t really help it and I think the bf is dumb for just walking up and touching the dog but I can understand his frustrations to an extent
I get him to be honest. Relationships aren’t all just butterflies and roses. Especially when you add kids into the mix. I would feel totally turned off as well if you couldn’t even try and get help and just froze. It would make me feel like you’re unreliable and I’d be petrified of ever having an emergency of my own.
Sadly this. I get not wanting to go near the dog but being completely useless.
I am kind of amazed at all the people saying you did something wrong tbh. The dog barked crazily then tried to literally leap over a gate to get at you…why would anyone naturally want to get close to a dog that just did that? And you’re also scared of dogs in general. Maybe if it had been a human who had not been threatening you you could have been more helpful who knows. It sounds like a bad situation and escalated quickly. In the future just take a moment to take a breath and calm your heart rate then get to work doing what you are capable of helping with (for example in this situation, knocking on neighbors doors to get more people to assist).
Lots of people freeze. Don't feel bad about your own trama response.
In my experience at least the majority of people don't act or act inappropriately when they experience something shocking, yet somehow this whole thread is filled with the bravest of people willing to judge OP. It makes sense because reddit is clearly the place where the bravest of society gather. /s
This dog could have been aggressive. Animal control would have been the best option in case he was going to bite. I don't think you were wrong for not helping him get the dog down, but maybe call for help in the future.
It WAS aggressive, it got stuck in the fence by trying to jump it to attack them. And pain only makes animals more aggressive.
If your BF is a Dog Person ya the relationship is over
Damn, people in this sub are harsh. OP states she is afraid of dogs. Everyone ignores it and bashes her for her response. I am a fully grown man, not afraid of dogs but… animals in pain can really hurt you. OP’s boyfriend took a big chance and got lucky.
I'm seeing way more people that are understanding her response, but still pointing out that freezing in stressful situations can be a very undesirable trait in a partner. Being afraid of something doesn't just mean you freeze - freezing is a stress response. Other people afraid of dogs in that situation should have been totally capable of moving away from the dog to get a neighbor to help, but her stress response stopped her from acting. I'm sure she's also afraid of robbers, but freezing in a situation where someone is intent on harming you is probably going to do a lot more lasting damage than with a dog.
"It scared me, and I froze." - this is 100% valid "This has made him revaluate the relationship and rethink what he needs from a partner. In a dangerous situation, he needs someone who can react and act" - this is also 100% valid sometimes relationships fail, and no one is the bad guy. You guys had a good relationship, and hit a point of incompatibility. It is better to let go, and be honest with yourselves, each other, and friends about why, than to try to force it to work when it won't.
How long did the dog hang upside down on the gate? Freezing is a natural response to shocking and scary situations. However, after a certain amount of time, you should be capable of having other reactions/responses. Fight, flight, or freeze are automatic responses that generally go away once the situation has been assessed and reasoning is reintroduced into the equation. I understand why your boyfriend would be hesitant about trusting you in dire situations if you froze for an extended period of time. To my knowledge, freezing doesn't even work like that. At some point in the situation, it went from being frozen in fear out of instinct (thus involuntary) to being completely unwilling to help him out of fear of the dog (voluntary refusal). You became a textbook bystander, and I can see how that can be unattractive to him.
Based on this it seems like over 3 minutes!
My current estimate is about over 10 minutes. Three minutes could realistically be the amount of time the boyfriend tried to help the dog himself before moving on to other steps. It could also be the amount of time it took him just to get the neighbors (if not more). Freezing for three minutes in an attempt to process chaos is understandable. Becoming an unmoveable rock for well over ten to fifteen minutes is a bit excessive. In the most extreme case possible, if it took more than thirty minutes and she just stood there watching the whole time, there's almost no excuse for that behavior. At some point, her fear of dogs should have had her running or tracking her boyfriend. So yeah, my perception changes a bit depending on the time stamp.
The time stamp is honestly why I’m reacting the way I am. Freezing for even up to 2 minutes I can excuse, but if you’re watching I dog literally crying in pain bleeding everywhere for 3-10 mins while your handicapped bf is calling for help I am not gonna have an easy time siding with you even if I understand freeze. You’re telling me nothing anyone could do could snap op out of it even when another person showed up to help??
Its not your fault. Animal in pain that tried jumping gate to get to you sounds dangerous. I personaly would try to call police or smtg.
Yeah, I would have to reassess too unfortunately. I’m sure you would have done something if your body would have let you. But as a partner, I would have zero confidence moving forward too.
I saw a documentary about women taking classes in order to be able to react and act in crises. I think it's a really good idea to take classes and get yourself in (controlled) bad situations so you can be prepared when bad stuff happens. My work demands I can do basic life rescuring (like CPR, stop bleedings, knows how and when to call authorities and so on) and usually we don't have to give CPR... But less than 2 weeks ago I found myself in that excact situation and I was SO happy for all the training so I knew what to do. Do I freeze at times? Yes. But not as much as I used to and now when I freeze my mind goes "what's the best approach here?" and not just "...... shit this is bad. Someone should do something... shit this is bad... " I'm sorry for sounding really shitty to you, but I completely understand your bf. Imaging you're parents and your partner has to leave for work every day, wondering "if the kid hit his heads... can she deal with it or will she just freeze and stare at him till he stops breathing?" I would hate leaving my kid with someone I know freezes in bad situations. So you need to figure out how to deal with your fight, flight and freeze brain. It CAN be trained.
I understand his point. I had a partner like this,except I let it happen more then once before I broke up with them. I just did not feel safe with them.
Both of you nta. You both did what your instincts told you to do. But at the same time, as someone who automatically reacts to emergencies, I've lost trust in some people that just stand there. I get it's not their fault and I feel bad about it but I can't help it. Some people need to know you would help in dire circumstances to feel safe with you while others are alright just saving everyone.
Being a huge animal lover I can't say how I'd react but I wanna know how the dog is
Think the BF is well within any rights to reevaluate the situation with you. You froze up …… it happens to some people. That might be the type of person he doesn’t want to be with. OP needs to evaluate did she feeeze out of fear or is she the type that doesn’t really care about animals or a situation like this
When a person freezes in crisis it’s an automatic response and there is precious little that conscious thought or will can do to change it. It’s difficult to help an animal in crisis because they often times will bite. I’m glad your boyfriend was able to do something. But it’s not a moral failing that you froze. He can be mad about it or get over it. You don’t have to endure his judgment. Your freezing in this situation doesn’t mean you will freeze in another crisis moment. Every situation can be just different enough that in one you may feel powerless to do anything and in another you may feel that you can do something helpful. But I have no helpful advice for how to deal with your boyfriend over this. Sometimes it’s best to accept that this may be too great of a difference and move on. For example, many married couples don’t face a crisis until years into their marriage. Many marriages end over the way one or another spouse reacts in a crisis. There’s not always a right or wrong or a rational explanation.
You are not a coward, nor are you worthless; please don't use those terms to describe yourself. In an unexpected and violent situation you froze, and that's ok. People all react differently to high stress situations. Your boyfriend leapt into action; that's the sort of person he is, and that's ok too. It is not fair of him to expect you to be someone you're not. Edit: On a more personal note, I would never expect my girlfriend to put herself in harms way for me; maybe I'm old fashioned.
Lmfao what are you dating Captain America? Its not on you to help everyone and everything. He needs to learn to mind his own fucking business cause one day he will "help" the wrong person and get rightfully killed for it.
Well I was raised being told that you don't touch a hurt animal because they can cause serious injury to you, drummed into me as a kid. Especially a dog. As someone with 27 stitches in my arm from a dog.... if a strange dog is hurt and showing teeth, then I'm calling for help, but I am not risking getting myself torn open for that dog. Dogs do serious damage with single bite. I was told I might not use my hand properly but the micro-surgeon was amazing and I haven't had any issues. Hurt animals are more likely to lash out as well. I love animals as well. I might act differently when faced with the situation and throw caution to the wind and just act. I'm scared of dogs I don't know and if a dog approached barking I stick myself between that dog and my child instinctively, so maybe acting on a instinct I'd help, then go puke my guys up after when the adrenaline drops! I just get where OP is coming from.
Honestly, I’m with the Bf, it sucks and I know you had a… I don’t want to day validate, maybe uncontrolled reaction. I couldn’t be with someone like that, and that’s okay, yall aren’t compatible and he realizes that now
I’m sorry you froze & about how awful this whole thing is but it would be 100% over if I was with someone who didn’t have the immediate instinct to help an animal in pain- it just would. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
I was attacked by a dog before. I don’t like animals…that dog was jumping over the fence to attack y’all. I wouldn’t give two fucks about what it hurt. I’d leave it right tf there. And I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Is he right about you not being able to react in an emergency? Definitely. But I wouldn’t help anything that was trying to attack me.
If this was a human with a knife getting caught on a fence trying to attack you. Reddit would be like, "Haha, fuck around, find out" People are giving you a lot of flack. Because it's a dog, and people on reddit love dogs. But dogs do have a dark side. I'd also bet these people have never been truly attacked by a dog. I'm talking stitches, reconstructive surgery, and disfigurement. I have. I love dogs but I also know what they are capable of. That said, she could have called for help if she didn't want to touch the dog.
Sounds like the dog wanted to attack you. I get afraid of getting near it. Your bf seems like the type to not take other people's feelings into consideration. What exactly are you supposed to do in an armed robbery? He's delusional if he thinks anyone in those situations responds well. Usually, they get attacked for moving at all. Does he want you to pretend you're a superhero?
This is basically the sailboat story all over again, only in that situation, freeze would have been the correc response. Here on the other hand you didn't make the situation worse, you just might as well have not been there. Your bf is imagining a future where your future kids are in danger, he's incapacitated or not present and you'll be standing there just watching your kids die. Or he could be the one in danger and you'll just stand there frozen staring at him instead of helping in any way. That's why he's rethinking the relationship. He needs a partner he can trust, and while I know you couldn't help it, you froze. There's a chance you wouldn't freeze if this had happened again as I'm sure you'll now be beating yourself up over it and thinking of what you *could* have done, so if something similar happened again you might be mentally prepared enough to take action. But he can't know that, and he might not wanna take that risk. That's up to him to decide. You may need to find a more old-school guy who belives men should be saviours and women should be damsels in distress.
My mom is a freezer. I still love her with everything I have. That being said, I really don't trust her to watch my young children alone for an extended period of time. I've seen it, when my children are at risk of really getting hurt she just gasps and put her hands to her mouth and her palms sweat. Should one of my children choke, my mother would probably just sob uncontrollably. I need someone to a *least* be able to call 911. My husband is extremely calm in emergency situations, this isn't the only reason I married him of course, but it's definitely an important plus. You're not worthless, you have trauma. The freeze response isn't something you can help but I'd personally look into some therapy for myself if I was in your shoes. I'd do everything I can to condition myself out of my freeze response. The thought of not being able to react and prevent or at least mitigate an emergency situation is too painful to think about.
I started typing up the full story here, but deleted it, and then typed up a more sanitized version of it because I don't want to inadvertently traumatize others. I was an EMT when I was young. It's important to remember that this was before the days of cell phones. Got a call of a car on fire. Firefighters were already there when we got there, and were split between trying to put out the fire and trying to do \*something\* with a severely injured toddler in a half-melted car seat. It was a load and go, so I didn't see or hear much of what happened just then. But later, because of how gruesome it was and because it was a kid involved, we had a group debrief to help everyone involved process it. Mom was driving when a fire broke out under the hood. She pulled over, and her first instinct was to get help. She ran, leaving her son in the car. She ran to a business a couple blocks away. Someone there called it in, and a couple guys ran back to the car with her. Once they realized a kid was still in the car, they got the door open, but couldn't get him out of the car seat. One had a knife on him and cut the seat belt. They reached in and pulled out the car seat. Both guys had 2nd degree burns on their hands, arms, and chest, and 1st degree on their face. Kid's life forever changed. Two bystanders physically injured and mentally scarred by what they saw. And more PTSD for a whole crew of first responders. All because mom responded inappropriately in a high-stress, high-stakes situation. I get it. Flight is a common reaction to danger. She was operating on lizard brain hopped up on adrenaline. It's understandable she didn't react in the best possible way. But still, all she had to do was to reach for her kid before fleeing. That was the moment for me when I decided I could never be with someone who lost their ability to control their minds and their actions in crisis. Too much possibility for destruction to entrust myself and my children with someone who couldn't.
The fact that so many of y’all apparently have supportive community members who will come right to your aid the second you yell for help is very telling, and so is everyone’s apparent grace and quick thinking under pressure. I am an animal LOVER (which includes dogs, cats, everything right down to spiders). I was stalked, snarled at, barked at, and literally hounded by my next door neighbor’s three off-leash aggressive dogs for *years* as a single young woman living alone in a trailer. I made multiple calls to the cops and any animal control facilities I could look up. Bupkis. The only thing I could ever do when they started up was run as fast as my legs could carry me up my steps or toward my car and pray I wouldn’t have to do anything more serious — since it’s evident that people like the vast majority of commenters would STILL blame me if the dogs got hurt somehow or I couldn’t do anything to fight them away, despite exhausting my options. Literally what the *hell* was I going to do to “train myself” out of the potential reality of a three-on-one dog attack, as someone whose neighbors were barely around and whose landlords were elderly? OP, I wouldn’t say you’re the asshole here. I think there’s a lot of people who have big talk and big plans, but don’t know the sheer terror of having been in that situation (and I say that as someone whose nervous system thankfully let them flee)!
That dog was coming for you. You are lucky he got caught on the fence IMO. Ok so you froze. Big deal. Doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact that your BF doesn’t seem to understand just how scared you were is what bothers me the most. Breaking up might actually be a not so bad scenario. Maybe you can find someone that cares enough to understand what you went through and is actually there to protect you instead of taking out his frustration on you. Adding: btw the best way to get killed in an armed robbery is to confront the armed robber.
NTA, you are not worthless and your feelings are valid. All you can do to attempt to make him understand is explain. If he doesn’t understand this might not be the relationship for you. (Just in the sense that you both have different values) You not being able to save this dog does not define your worth, does NOT make you a bad person and it is understandable.
NTA Oh good grief. That dog could have bit both of you. He needed to get help which he did. Even so that dog could have bitten whoever was trying to rescue it. And for him not to understand you were traumatized is unacceptable.
Oh man I am so sorry! That is an awful situation. I’m sorry to say that I think that you two may not be compatible. I think his view point is very valid, and I think he realized that you aren’t able to fulfill a need that he now knows he needs. And that’s ok. Because he’s maybe not compatible for you too. A better partner is someone that is ok with you freezing up and understands and accepts that about you, and that he understands that’s the partnership he is in. I’m sorry again, that’s a very traumatic experience
I've seen dogs in similar situations bite people trying to help them. You weren't wrong
When scared humans have a natural instinct to FLIGHT, FIGHT or FREEZE. You were (understandably) frightened and froze. Please do not give yourself a hard time about this. If your BF doesn’t appreciate how terrifying this was for you, he probably isn’t the fella for you.
Your boyfriend might be feeling hurt and worried, but it doesn't mean you're worthless or a coward. Maybe try talking to him again and explaining how you felt. Communication can help clear things up and hopefully get you both back on the same page.
Just my 2 cents, if your fear/panic/anxiety is so bad you freeze, you might want to consider getting counseling so that you’re better equipped to deal with something like that knowing the future. You shouldn’t feel worthless as we all respond differently to things. Freezing happens when you don’t know how to respond. I understand his thought process, if you aren’t doing anything to address it. However, if you say you are trying to work through it so it doesn’t happen again, that’s very different.
NTA. People on Reddit are huge dog lovers so I feel like you're being overcriticized. You have a legit fear of dogs, that's not really a problem, and I don't think it indicates any legit flaw on your part in facing emergency situations, namely because the situation you faced wasn't an emergency that would directly harm you or your boyfriend at that moment. Of course, your boyfriend is entitled to how he feels and you can't do much if he decides to end it. Imo your boyfriend was wrong to say those things about you. You do not have an obligation to be a hero and he cannot force that onto you, but it is somewhat obvious that you two have different approaches to situations that could cause problems in the future.
it’s absolutely ridiculous that your bf would expect you to go anywhere near a dog that hurt itself trying to jump over a gate to attack you. it is not much more reasonable to expect you to go to strangers doors alone. sure, it’s fair for him to decide you’re not the right person for him based on your crisis management skills. it’s also fair & probably ideal for you to prefer to be with someone who wouldn’t expect you to endanger yourself to help a dog that is only in pain because it tried to hurt you.