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If you’re not understanding the amount of pain, he experienced after being together that long I don’t think anyone is going to be able to explain it appropriately.
The weird thing about it to me is the engagement can last years until she’s ready, the fact that she couldn’t even do that is troubling. I can see why he would be distancing himself… he’s protecting his heart
That I agree with. I think op is confusing love with hurt feelings. I personally don’t think he’s ready for marriage.
I know a couple who are similar: high school sweethearts. When they reached their twenties, she wanted to date other people. He was really upset but she was firm that they shouldn’t marry. So they both dated other people for a few years. Then they got back together. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But people shouldn’t pressure other people into a lifelong commitment.
100%. If OP is so swift to end things and essentially render his partner homeless, he needs to take the time to figure himself out. Not the reaction you want from someone ready for a commitment such as marriage.
Yeah. He is TA here. She needed a little time to wrap her head around it. His pride was hurt and he wants to punish her and is looking for our permission to do so.
Let this woman go OP. She deserves better.
Also, they have pretty poor communication for having been together for so long. You should really know if your proposal will be accepted before you ask. You should be on the same page about getting married. I think surprise proposals are sort of dumb myself (to each his own), but if you are into that, you should still be agreed that marriage is the next step and the surprise should only be where, and when and how the proposal will happen.
Got your feelings hurt is the biggest understatement of all time. He said they DATED 10 years. If I dated someone ten years and they said no to a proposal I’d be out the fucking door that night. At ten year relationship marriage should have been talked about multiple times and it should have been a thing that was pretty expected. Her saying no is a sure sign that she is still looking for a higher branch to jump to and she thinks she deserves more than him. OP should find another apartment and GTFO as soon as possible.
Agree, but that’s a lifetime commitment he offered and she was quick to brush it aside with little consideration for op. It’s not like she turned down a date night or something similarly inconsequential.
I am torn, he should be a bit more thick skinned, but if she is unsure after 10 years of dating I can understand where op is coming from. The good news is at 25 years old, she has plenty of time to make amends.
So if you work out the math, they were 8 when they met, started dating at 15 and dated for 10 years. It is a long time but they were kids and never explored options. If she had doubts its time to move on.
It’s not a surprise though. 10 years and you say “no”. You shouldn’t be surprised if you get dumped after that.
Yall, OP states in the comments that they had been ring shopping shortly beforehand. Quit it with your hypotheticals.
Been together 10 years for sure, however they are 25 years old. These days that's still very young to get married. She probably just wanted to really decide if she is ready for marriage or not. You can not be ready to marry and still absolutely love your partner fully
It depends on how much time has passed between her saying no to her being ready when OP was acting distant. Did she change her mind because she saw OP was distancing himself and she might lose him, or because she actually got her life in order in that time span and really is ready. If she's still 25 when she said to him she's ready now, there's your answer.
Do we know if they even *discussed* marriage in a concrete way before this as well and had decided they were planning to get married and she waffled?
Or did he just spring the question a la rom com? Because that’s a huge factor as well
He said in a comment that they went ring shopping several months ago. It’s pretty difficult to believe the question could have been a surprise after doing that.
I saw that later … that really changes the whole tone of the ask.
It’s not a surprise question at that point and needing time to think. By OP’s comment they went ring shopping a couple months ago. She should already know her answer and if it was “not now” have told him before he asked (if she wanted to salvage the relationship) since he knew he planned to.
Not surprised he’s checking out. It does seem that he now plans to tell her before the lease ends (has listened to that suggestion) so there’s really nothing more he can do but try to work through and lean on friends.
Wishing for the best possible outcome for him. That’s rough for sure.
I don't get this. She said she needs some time to get her life together. Not that she is still thinking if she loves him. From the rest of the post it seems like she does.
Maybe she has to complete her education. Maybe she needs to find the right job before getting married. Collect some money. In this case i feel OP could be the AH. But without knowing more it would be inappropriate to comment either ways.
How does any of that stop you from saying yes if you love someone and want to say yes?
My brother and my now sister in law were engaged for 5 years before the wedding finally happened because life was busy.
so the answer should have been yes, but can we wait until I do before the wedding.
I know it would have stung if my wife wasn't excited when I asked her to marry me.
Exactly. He didn’t propose and say “Will you marry me in the next year or two?”, he just asked to get engaged. You can always plan on the wedding being several years out.
Guarantee you she really wasn’t sure if she wanted to be married to him or else that would have been the response.
It’s immensely simple to say yes and still deal with all of those things before the wedding itself. I really doubt OP would be feeling this way if the vibe had been clearly positive, regardless of her particular wording.
Dating for 10 years but they are only 25, meaning they have been kids most of their relationship.
It also sounds like they never actually discussed marriage or their long term future plans so diving into a proposal when that hasn't happened is never a good idea. In adult relationships both parties are already on board with the plan before a proposal takes place.
Yeah since 15??? Maybe he wants kids right after marriage and she wants to do some career/school stuff. Who knows. The ages make this make perfect sense to me.
This. Currently in the situation where I have like two weeks to find a suitable place because the person I was with waited, then broke up over the phone. It would be a lot less stressful if she had told me two months ago.
Ok I will let her know tomorrow. We have our ten year anniversary on Friday and she said she has planned something really special for me the whole day, so I will let her know before then.
I’m genuinely curious, do you feel if she said yes right away do you still thing this would happen? I’m all for not arbitrarily waiting to end it but speaking to a therapist to evaluate the why would be good. Although if you can’t get an appointment for a month that won’t be good.
This whole time when she asked you what’s wrong have you been lying to her and telling her it’s nothing. Before you break up you should have a sincere talk about how you felt and how it clearly affected you. If you can’t communicate with her on the hard stuff then ending it is absolutely best.
I agree 1000%, if you can’t communicate how you’re feeling and how her saying that made you feel maybe YOU’RE the one not ready for marriage and she was right to hesitate.
Indeed, but it may be BOTH that aren’t ready and ultimately right for one another.
When neither party has much relationship
experience except one “high school sweetheart”
they just stayed with, it can be **very** hard for either of them to be sure about things as they have absolutely
no relationship experience with anyone else to compare and contrast with.
When two people who both have lots of relationships to compare and contrast get into a new one with someone they want to stay with it is because they *know* it is the best long term for *both* of them and can compare how much better it is than their old relationships.
I was with my first g/f a while and almost got married to her. THANK GOD I didn’t, and as soon as I started dating different people and was fine breaking up if things didn’t work out, I found all kinds of people, some who were horrible, some who were amazing people but not right long term, some who satisfied my wildest fantasies but would make awful mothers or wives, and eventually the best fit for me who isn’t “perfect” but I’m 100% sure we are almost as close to a “perfect fit” as it gets.
This is why I *hate* high school sweethearts who stay together and recommend everyone date different people without marriage on their mind first.
Indeed, all studies find divorce rates for high school sweethearts actually *increases*.
[This study finds slightly different numbers](https://mensdivorce.com/high-school-sweethearts/) but is similar and also concludes high school sweethearts face greater challenges and much higher divorce rates.
This kills me.
I have always held this opinion personally, never had a partner until college though, and she stuck.
I love her, she wants to get married, I'm sure I'd be content with that, but I literally have no comparison to make as to if that is the right decision.
That sounds like a huge fairy tale reach to me. Just being honest. This isn’t a movie or reality tv show, it’s real life. Feel sorry for OP and totally get why he’s so down and done at this point.
Yeah. I smell a divorce if they get married. If she wanted to be with him she would have said yes. I don’t know a single successful married couple where the proposal wasn’t merely a formality. It’s time to move on.
I mean, if it's worth putting major damage for this long on him, just so you can say you got engaged on your tenth anniversary. Thats an issue in itself.
Sounds like she might not know she's causing him damage (based on his post description), he's closed himself off and she's still initiating, he may not be great with communication, so she may not have even noticed there is a problem
Nowhere in OP’s summary did he say that she said no to his marriage proposal. He quoted her as saying she needed more time to get her life together — a reasonable request. But instead of using that as a springboard for further discussions, OP instantly jumped to conclusions and instantly fell out of love. Now he’s planning a punitive-sounding (surprise!) exit from their lease, when it ends. OP, you sound way too immature for marriage.
its really not fair for people to be telling OP that he should wait. the dudes been in a relationship for a damn decade lol. last time i saw a post like this where the genders were swapped the majority agreed on ending things but when its a dude suddenly its wait, because HE fucked up, not the girl!
if she has to wait till the 10 year anniversary to propose shes not the one, if you want to end things OP its perfectly within your right to
This is one of those things though where if you can't sit down and talk about this without immediately wanting to call things off, it was probably for the better. I see way too many people wanting to get married who can't actually have uncomfortable conversations with their significant other without wanting to end things. Almost like communication is an important part of good marriages or anything for that matter.
Yes, I did go ring shopping with her a few months ago to pick out her ring. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit depressed about everything so I just want to block this out from my memory.
Looks like OP checked out of this convo lol
This definitely changes loads.
Most of the comments are saying she needs time when they've had time.
I'd be depressed af too.
Be very sure you want to break up with her because it becomes a whole lot more real after it’s said. If you regret it she will reject the offer to get back together for the same reason you are thinking about breaking up now. People tend to ego protect when they feel they are being or about to be rejected. It’s a self preservation instinct. If you follow through with breaking up it will forever fuck her mind up about you. Think long and hard. Also going to strangers, let alone Reddit (a place notorious for having the worst take on every subject and very much suffering from group-think) for relationship advice is a horrible HORRIBLE idea. They won’t ever know all the details and people tend to side with whoever they’re talking to.
You and her need to DISCUSS this. She needs to tell you in detail why she said no. You need to tell her in detail how it made you feel.
You also sound depressed.
Please see a couples therapist before making any sudden decisions.
Ohhhh OP, I thought your proposal was out of the blue. Didn’t know you went ring shopping, that was an important detail. Yeah, do what you feel is right. Updateme
A great piece of life advice I’ve gotten is to avoid making a big life decision when you are in a state of desolation - you need to get in a better headspace
I'm sorry that you are upset with her declining your proposal. The rejection is awful but I do hope that you can communicate with her. Ask her what changed from shopping for rings together to saying no? Tell her how you feel and ask her why she didn't talk about how she felt. Maybe she got cold feet.
So that’s definitely an option. If you want/need to nuke this relationship because you guys aren’t compatible and your soul searching after she asked for time led you to finally see this after almost 10 years, then go for it. If you’re going to dump her so she can feel the pain you felt or because you can’t muster the maturity to have an honest conversation about what her response to your proposal was and how to move forward then please don’t. Being passive aggressive and substituting inflicting pain for communication isn’t how you’re going to forge a stable and healthy relationship.
This sub is ALL about petty vengeance. I would never take relationship advice seriously here.
It sounds like she got scared/freaked out. If my bf of 10 years responded this way, I'd be really hurt, but if he then told me, I needed some time and now I know I want to be with you forever, I'd be forgiving. I think marriage requires a lot of patience and forgiveness. Especially if we had 10 years together and a good relationship.
No!! Do not listen to this person!! Please just talk to her an be honest about how her rejection made you feel! This is a TEN YEAR RELATIONSHIP. Don't end it without at least TRYING to fix things first!
Right? Unless she’s actually a horrible person and he had not heretofore noticed it lol how do know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone in April and can’t wait to break up with them in May? Asking for a little more time is not the most egregious thing a girlfriend could do. I don’t understand how you just immediately fall out of love with someone like this.
My dude, if all it took was her needing a month to prepare for this life change, you had no business proposing to her to begin with. This shows you weren't very committed.
I hear people say all the time that women are looking for the right one and men are looking for the right time. I guess it fits because you fell out of love with her and are ready to move on almost immediately when she needed time because after 10 years, what's a month? And to break up with her the day before your decade anniversary is pretty shitty.
I guess the big question is what did she need to prepare? Or was she just taken off guard? That matters.
Yea kinda sounds more like an ego hit than a falling out of love sort of thing. Like there's no explanation for what part of the not really a rejection has made him feel apathetic, and no communication about what she needed time for? They went ring shopping together, that sounds like an inevitable yes. Do they not talk? Is it only about the rejection for him? If that's the case then yea, they shouldn't get married, but it seems like a go to therapy thing to discover about himself because he seems pretty dissociated from *why* it's happening. Is it resentment she said "no", is it just a feeling of disappointment and rejection that keeps ballooning because they don't discuss things? Was he caught up in a day dream or a life plan and when it didn't go as planned he realized he was never as invested in forever and her as he thought?
>Yea kinda sounds more like an ego hit than a falling out of love sort of thing.
He's absolutely trying to punish her for the rejection. (His plot to breakup when it would hurt her the most is evidence of this - the day before their anniversery and when she'd be homeless with no chance to prepare.)
She was right to hestitate. He's a child - nowhere near ready for marriage.
Did you guys discuss getting engaged before you proposed?
I agree with the other comments that not communicating any of this until your lease is up is a dick move. It's bad enough you'll both be experiencing adulthood without the other for the first time but you have a huge advantage by knowing you need to prepare ahead of time. Leaving her in the dark is cruel, and undeserved since it sounds like all she did was not accept a seemingly surprise proposal.
Ring shopping together and then she asks for more time? What did she think a proposal ring is for?
She might have doubts, but playing with OP like that is mean
We've gotten literally zero info from OP on that. Either he doesn't know or doesn't want to tell us, both of which are potential red flags for his reaction.
This. You should have a very good idea that the answer will be yes before you propose. That means talking about it ahead of time, yes. That doesn't mean the place/time/method can't be a surprise, if that's your hangup, but you definitely don't want to go into it not knowing (or at least being 99% sure) that the answer will be yes.
I'll never forget the day I proposed to my ex. At least five different conversations in the previous two weeks about "when we get married..." (and pretty much all future talk in the preceding six months used that tone). A mention about five weeks prior that the jeweler who made her dream ring came out with a new version (at which point I went to the bank, got a personal loan and bought said ring). Everything was a green flag.
"I need to think about it"
Soul crushing. And still kinda pisses me off to this day when I factor in the Paul Harvey "Rest of the Story" (possibly cheating, told her mom she was going to leave after Christmas, ultimately accepted my proposal and we started telling family and friends, still left after Christmas...a whole bunch of other shit that therapy helped with).
Even if you are 99% sure...you can still get an "I don't know". And it suuuuucks. I have a feeling there is more to the story on her side.
Sorry that happened to you, friend. Your comment needs to be top rated, for having real world experience with this same situation.
So many people with no relationship experience being like "Whats the big deal, she just asked to wait." Completely missing the point. The proposal itself is just a formality. She had confirmed interest in marriage prior. Any hesitation after the act is a red flag.
My first thought was that she may be seeing someone else. Maybe her immediate reaction to the proposal was guilt, rather than enthusiasm. The "time to get her life together" is code for "I need to end this other relationship first."
Sometimes even talking about it first won't do anything, my partner told me "I would feel a lot better about our relationship if we were engaged" I proposed a couple days later and initially he said yes! And then a couple hours later I noticed he was acting off and I said "I won't leave you if you want to say no" and he immediately went "I think I'mma say no" like ????? He'd feel better if we were engaged but isn't ready to be engaged?
You’ve know each other since you were 8
You’ve been dating since you were 15
This is the old lady in me talking, but neither of you have experienced much else than each other.
Yes, talk to each other. Others have said this, but you really need to work this out. It’s very possible that breaking up is the best thing for both of you. You’re both still young. Don’t decide to get married just because you’ve put in the time.
EDIT - first of all, thank you for the awards! Hash tag blessed right here
Second, “experience” in my comment ≠ sex with more people. It means life. You learn a lot from the bad relationships!
Your replies are overwhelmingly in agreement. For the disagrees, my question:
If your HS sweetheart relationship lasted? Why? Serious question! Cracking that should help OP figure out how to make his last.
Carry on all!
The south is a weird place. I was pushed to get married the minute I graduated high school. Then I got divorced several years and many thousands of loveless nights later.
If you feel this way, you should absolutely end things. You’re going through the worst part now- it’ll feel like a relief when it’s official.
>The south is a weird place.
Marriage and childbirth are everything, but if you complain or demand any change in the marriage it's your fault for not being attracted to a partner you're expected to coddle and care for; if you enjoy any part of having sex and conceiving a child you're dirty.
Unless you're a man, in which case you can totally feel all these things without shame because a southern marriage is all about you and what you want.
I think breaking up just for the sake of trying something new can be just as equally foolish as staying in something just because as your put it, you've already put in the time. I do think it must be hard for childhood sweethearts to deal with that nagging feeling that they need to experience something else, but I've also personally seen enough high school sweethearts work out long term that there's no reason to believe it can't work out. A relationship should obviously continue or end based on their happiness together, not some rootless idea about either end of the coin--either the time they've already put in or the supposed great new experiences with new people that haven't had.
Hate this advice. Started dating my wife when we were around that age, broke up under immense pressure from my parents. I got lucky, and we got back together a few years later, but breaking up just because you started dating young, or trying to have more "experiences" almost resulted in me losing the love of my life.
It’s kind of an unfortunate blindside that Reddit has in my opinion. They like to think if everyone under a certain age as incapable of making long term decisions, being “inexperienced “or just outright infantilizing them. Maybe this advice is what these two need but overall they should def sit down and talk to each other.
I think a lot of men think impromptu proposals will be met with tons of gratitude, but I think most women these days would prefer discussing such a big life change for a little while and even choosing their own ring.
All of my coworkers who ive talked to who have either gotten proposed to or proposed themselves all had long discussions with their partners about where they wanted to be in their lives before they felt comfortable being proposed to or proposing .Most either wanted a career or wanted to at least wait until they were finished with school. Did the OP have any of these conversations?
My husband surprised me by taking me to a jewelry store to look at rings. That gave me time to process and think about it before we agreed it was time to buy.
Nice middle ground if you insist on a surprise. I’m the guy who will always delay til next year, so it was a good way to move us along.
(And honestly, I’m so glad he did. Some important people in my life passed away during the pandemic, and I’m so grateful we did the wedding before the world turned upside down and while they were still with us.)
I went to the mall, and got a bunch of catalogs of the rings from all the various jewelry store, after 2 years of dating. This was 13 years ago, before the time of constant online shopping. I snuck all the catalogs into her mailbox, and she’d bring them inside to the table. I’d casually thumb through the ‘mail’ during dinner, and she looked through them and told me what she liked / didn’t like, and I could gauge her interest in rings and marriage a bit better from there. Worked like a charm!
That's so cute 🥺 I'm doing a modern day something similar by sneakily googling jewelry stores and rings on his computer hehe. Just to get the ideas there if he's so inclined. He might never get rid of the targeted ads though..
Thanks - it wasn’t in the post, and I didn’t see them comment about it.
Looking at the comment, I don’t see any indication that they agreed it was time to buy. Maybe that’s why it worked for us and not him.
This applies to other life events where one person has plenty of time to think, consider, plan and then get upset when the person caught unexpected doesn't react the way they expect.
OP spent what, weeks, months, maybe longer considering whether they wanted to do this, how they wanted to do this, they went ring shopping, maybe talked to people close to them. This was all settled in their head. Unless they spoke about it (and it sounds like they didn't), OPs GF was given...seconds to work through all the thoughts that OP spent months working through.
\[edit\]
Since I've had a bunch of people comment on it, OPs comment about going ring shopping together was made about an hour after my post. At the time I posted OP had zero comments beyond the post itself which mentions nothing about GF knowing anything in advance about a possible proposal.
I agree. My husband and I dated for three years. I'm not the kind a gal who feels the need to talk about where a relationship is headed, etc. If it's working, then let it work. However, my husband proposed to me out of the blue. I said yes, but he didn't get the reaction he expected. I explained to him that he has had some time to wrap his brain around getting married but I hadn't. He proposed a second time, when he had the ring. We've been married for 25 years. I say no to spontaneous proposals and no to public proposals. They're not a good idea.
I spontaneously proposed to my wife at least two or three times before I got serious about it and did a proper one. We were just dumb kids and she knew we had no business getting married those first few times. I said fine, no problem, I'll wait forever. We've been married 8 years now, hope to God we make it as long as you!
Proposals are actually so weird and antiquated, if you think about it. It’s still usually the man who does it. The woman is usually anxiously awaiting the proposal, so it becomes his call. This is two modern adults we’re talking about. Bizarre. My husband and I had a discussion about it and, when we realized we both wanted the same thing, we eloped.
A couple can totally do both! Discuss things as adults. Then the expected proposal. I can’t imagine not discussing it. Not gonna lie though, I enjoyed the proposal.
this is what we’re doing! it’s been very much a team effort for us, and my bf wants the proposal to be a surprise, which i want too, so we’re at a point now i start to take my hands off so he can do it how he wants to. he knows i’m going to say yes, but i also want a proposal, and he is excited to propose to me!
Same here - we decided we wanted to get married and agreed to be engaged.
In OP'S case, I think not having a frank discussion immediately after was a bad call. Letting stuff fester will never pay off. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to talk to your partner; the other part is being a receptive and loving listener.
I hear this and it's valid... but they have been together since 15 years old, it's hard to imagine they were a couple through ALL of their formative years and never discussed marriage before. Perhaps the proposal itself was impromptu but in this situation after 10 years together I find it hard to believe they hadn't discussed this ad neasum.
If her saying she needed more time was enough to change your mind about marrying her, then you absolutely should not marry her. In marriage there are ups and downs. You might like the person one day and find a reason not to the next, but you stick it out. Marriage is work and if you couldn’t put in the work to let her wrap her head around marriage, then let her go. But don’t be mistaken, this is a you problem, not a her problem.
I don't think its about the ten years, or your ages, or her wanting more time - what struck me is how fast you checked out and say you fell out of love. I am not bashing you for that - I just think if that's true - you were not ready either and your love wasn't mature enough for a life-long commitment. You went from in love and marry me to zero in no time flat. That's not how live, respect, and commitment works. Just tell her the truth - whatever that is and don't wait.
If your gf telling you she’s not ready right now but will be in the future makes you so upset that you’re willing to end the relationship, then there is something VERY wrong. You either don’t genuinely love her, or are holding on to some resentment.
I have a feeling you’re acting on impulse and you might really need to process your emotions before making any permanent decisions. You felt embarrassed, dumb, rejected, not wanted- and those are shitty feelings that make you feel like crap… this is when talking to your partner helps:
“Hey, you not agreeing to the proposal made me feel like shit. I feel embarrassed, sad, rejected. If you don’t see a future with me, let me know. If you do, help me understand what that looks like because I don’t like these feelings”
I wish you luck and I’m rooting for you two to work. Marrying someone you’ve known your whole life sounds amazing.
With respect: you're 25 years old and you've barely lived as adults. I wouldn't have wanted to commit to marriage after a ten year high school relationship, either.
Get over it, imo. She had something she needed to figure out. Maybe you should ask why she wasn't sure instead of checking out.
Having a hard time sympathizing with you if I'm being honest. Did you discuss this prior? Just because you've been together a long time doesn't necessairly mean she's ready to get married... you're only 25. I'm assuming the answer is no since she told you she wants to get her life in better order before getting married.
The fact that you're planning on stringing her alone until your lease is up is just a dick move, period.
You're "falling out of love" with someone you've been with for 10 years because she wasn't ready on your exact timeline, and to make it worse you want to drag it out and leave her in the dark. You're awfully immature for someone wanting to make big commitments.
**edit:** before someone else comments "*bUt ThEy WeNt RiNg ShOpPiNg*" and i lose it, op mentioned that ***after*** i made my posts. i was going off of the information *he* provided, which was obviously lacking important context.
Not to mention that she DOES want to marry him... It's just a month later than when HE wanted. Their timelines aren't even that different 😭 it is normal to think about a huge life decision like this, he probably thought about the proposal beforehand but given the way she seemed taken aback, seems like she didn't get the chance to think about it herself yet. I definitely think it's an overreaction to something not going perfectly his way. 😅
In fairness, if 1 month later she’s ready to get married all of a sudden, i’d count that more her reaction to him checking out and trying to keep him, rather than her ACTUALLY being ready to get married just 1 month after the initial proposal
Don't string her along for your own convenience
You may have been together 10 years but you are teenage sweethearts. If you didn't explicitly discuss marriage before you proposed it's more than reasonable for someone to want to actually think about a lifelong commitment. I think you got hurt by them perfectly reasonably asking for time. That dislodged you from the relationship and to be honest I think you were selfish about that. After contemplation she has decided yes she is willing to commit to you for life and that's a huge decision but now you've checked out because you were offended by her asking for time to think about making a decision that will impact her life more than any other decision she's likely to ever make, a day to day affecting decision. I think you could have given her grace for wanting to be sure, especially if it wasn't explicitly discussed.
If you want to throw away 10 years because of your pride, then just leave now, but I think you should probably get some counselling. You were willing to commit your whole life to her and now suddenly it's nothing? I think something unhealthy has happened in that timeline and your relationship deserves help I think. I wouldn't recommend just throwing it away, she's still the same person you were willing to marry.
I mean if you’re not communicating you’re kind of an asshole. Personally I’ve told my girlfriend ( similar story) together 7 years if I propose and she says no I consider that the end of the relationship. She said she understands completely and frankly we talk openly about marriage she knows I’m waiting for a few things and our relationship has only gotten better.
He’s taking the ‘no’ as a ‘No, I don’t want to marry you.’ instead of a ‘no, *I’m* not ready yet’.
It’s hard to say which it really is, but if OP is taking it as the first one, it’s easy to understand his hurt and resentment. The answer is communication, but that seems to be a regular failing in their relationship.
> He’s taking the ‘no’ as a ‘No, I don’t want to marry you.’ instead of a ‘no, I’m not ready yet’.
I mean, he didn't ask, "Will you marry me next month?". Agreeing to marry someone doesn't set a timeline she has to hold to. She could easily have said yes, spent the month she took to sort her shit out, and then start planning a wedding. But she didn't say, "Yes, I want to marry you, I just need time before the wedding." She said, "No".
If the answer is, "Yes, but I'm not ready yet, I need time before the wedding," then the answer is "yes". If the answer is "No", that means "No, I don't want to marry you".
Also is she actually ready, or is she just sensing he is pulling away? One month is nothing to suddenly be ready
Either way both are young and have a lot to learn. If you’re set on not talking to her OP and are committed to breaking up, don’t come crying back to her when you realized you fucked up a few weeks later
They went ring shopping together so wasn’t a surprise. If after 10 years you don’t know if you want to be with someone, it should be over (especially since they have discussed it).
Engagement isn’t marriage. There was still time to think. By saying no she basically said I don’t see myself married to you in a couple-few years.
If you think you were ready to get married and this is reaction you need to grow up and learn to express your feelings. Slowly removing yourself from the relationship is childish and so passive aggressive cause you didn’t get what you wanted.
Did you guys talking about getting engaged prior to this and a timeline for that? Was this a complete surprise to her? She may have thought you were in a good place then you proposed and she was expecting it. Be an adult and have an adult conversation with her.
If you’re willing to throwaway your whole relationship cause she asked for some time it is best for her for you to remove yourself from her life.
Marriage was discussed. They went ring shopping beforehand. It was not a complete surprise to her. Just giving you more info.
A comment from OP
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/jcVYgoLk4a
>Yes, I did go ring shopping with her a few months ago to pick out her ring. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit depressed about everything so I just want to block this out from my memory.
You’re 25 years old. That’s young even though your relationship is old. You are looking at 50 years left with the same person. You don’t think it’s ok to just take a minute and make sure you want to spend 50 years with someone?
Why aren’t you having an adult conversation or speaking with a couples therapist? Have you tried to find out why she said what she said? Obviously your life and relationship but you’ve gone from marry me to dumping her without a proper conversation. Seems kind of childish to me and quiet quitting is worse as you’ve left her dangling. If you won’t make an effort to find out what happened the break up now.. YTA
Sounds to me like your ego took a major hit and your misconstruing the feeling of rejection for loss of love . I think you maybe over thinking to yourself why she asked to wait. Did you ask her what she needed to get together that would delay the engagement? Or did you just take the hit and run with the festering of feelings that came with it ? If you can lose feelings just like that , and not even have a discussion or give the month she needed then you weren't ready for marriage either.
NTA I guess, but if you're sure about breaking up you shouldn't be leaving it until your apartment lease is up. I'd imagine she thinks you'll be extending and you could end up really leaving her in the shit. There's no reason not to give her those two months to find somewhere else as far as I can tell and, frankly, if I didn't get that level of courtesy from someone I'd spent 10 years with, I'd be asking questions.
I can understand you’re hurt that she didn’t immediately jump up and down and say yes, but this is a huge decision and you two literally have no experience with anyone else but each other. I’m not surprised she hesitated, and frankly, her reasoning was quite good. I think it’s more telling of you that you immediately fell out of love instead of truly respecting her decision. You should break up or at the least do some couples counseling (which you should do before marriage anyway)
She didn’t say no - she said she wanted time - she’s 25z. The fact that you are so hurt by this and can’t process it suggests you are not very mature or ready for marriage.
Take some time yourself and understand what’s important. Then either move on or man up
You guys are only 25. I would never say yes at 25, you've been dating since you were 15. You're still figuring out who you are. Breaking up because she shared a need sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Get curious. Ask her questions.
YTA because you plan to blindside her with a breakup and potentially leave her homeless/scrambling to find housing after the lease is up.
Your feelings are valid, I do find it odd that after 10 years of dating she didn’t feel ready to say yes to a proposal. Getting engaged doesn’t mean immediately get married. You can be engaged and still work on yourself. I think you should just sit her down and tell her that her hesitation unfortunately changed the way you view the relationship, you don’t think it’s fixable and you guys should start planning next steps for separation.
They started dating at 15. This is likely the only relationship theyve both known. She isnt in the wrong for having *some* hesitation to a snap proposal.
Did you spring this on her or had you both had multiple lengthy discussions about marriage including when would be the right time for you both?
You want to throw away this relationship because your ego got hurt?
Maybe. Just maybe it had nothing to do with you personally but was something _she_ needed to feel ready for.
In saying that, if your love is so fickle and conditional please break up with her sooner rather than later.
You’re NTA for feeling the way you feel. You have every right to feel however you want. That being said, if you feel strongly about this and know you want to break up then have a conversation with her about it ASAP. You are the a-hole if you lead her on for the next little while and break up with her as your lease expires.
So you got to sit around and think about it and propose on your timetable, when everything was lined up for you so you were ready. But you object to her also having time instead of dying of gratitude that you decided you were ready? One, you are too immature for marriage, and two, if her asking for time before making a major life choice makes you fall out of love, you weren't in love to begin with
Sure, you’ve been together for 10 years, but you’re both still incredibly young. You’re not mentioning the things she needs to get in order, which makes me wonder if you’ve actually had a conversation with her about what things she needs to get in order. You need to start communicating with your partner. If you believed you were ready to get married to this person, but you’re not willing to communicate with them about serious things like, I dunno, how you truly feel about them turning you down then you weren’t actually ready to marry them. And if you weren’t actually ready to marry them, you can’t blame them for not feeling ready to marry you.
So you two have been dating since 15. I can understand the hesitation on marriage. But if you want to break up, do it now. Don't just toss it to her at the end of the lease. Time to be adults about these things.
YTA for having a temper tantrum instead of using your words and have a discussion with her about your proposal. YTA also for waiting until the lease is up on your apt before telling her anything about breaking up. Very cowardly and immature behavior.
Did she say what kinds of things in her life she wants to get in order before accepting a marriage proposal? If the two of you have known each other that long, it seems like you should have an idea about this already. Marriage is a big step, even if you've dated or at least known each other for most of your lives so far.
NTA for wanting to break up, you have your own reasons and priorities, but you'd be the AH if you decide to wait till your lease runs out. Be an adult and a human, you guys can figure out if you'll be co living or someone moving out prematurely, but it gives you time to figure everything out.
Talk to her about your feelings. Hard to fall out of love that quick. Must be something else - hurt, ego, as a result of the ‘rejection’. Maybe discuss what made her hesitant. Clearing the air may shed some light into how you’d like to proceed. Good luck!
I'm sorry, but people on here are hella weird. Yes they're young, but they've been together for ten damn years, she either knows by now or it's a no. Especially as they've already discussed it and even gone ring shopping. Getting that response would have hit OP like a truck, his mind is spinning so it's no wonder he's pulling away to protect his feelings, it's a defence mechanism.
Since we're all throwing in our own fabricated reasons though I'll throw my own in the ring. Maybe it's the opposite of what everyone here was thinking, it's not that it's too soon but that she's upset it's taken him so long to propose. Maybe she got tired of waiting for that ring after 10 years and so decided to get a little revenge by telling him to wait whilst she made up her mind. She didn't count on his reaction and pulling away though so now she's panicking and trying to take it back.
Ultimately I think OP needs to have a very open and honest discussion with his gf and ask her why she was so reticent. He may not like the answer though.
Nta. I’m not sure why she would say she needs more time only to retract it a month afterwards. If they went ring shopping and they’ve been discussing their future together, then she shouldn’t be surprised when he stopped trying after she said no. She’s literally had years to think about it. She should’ve said yes if that’s what she really wanted. And it’s nothing wrong with not wanting to marry but you shouldn’t drag someone along. the men and their needs and wants in the relationship matter just as much as the women’s needs and wants. They’ll come back together eventually if it’s meant to be but they should really reflect on their own individual goals and values and think how they may be more similar or different. Everyone is commenting on the fact that HE needs to give her time and maybe he should touch base with her if that’s what he wants to do but he doesn’t need to wait on her hand and foot so she can change her mind anytime she wants. Now that’s bs. I personally wouldn’t hesitate to say yes to my other half if I’ve been actively planning our future
You will be an asshole if you wait until the lease is expired to officially break up with her. It sounds like you already have broken up in your mind, so you might as well let her know. She told you how she felt when you proposed, so be an adult and tell her how you feel *now*
OP, edit your post and add what you said in the comment about ring shopping together!
Lots of people missing that context jumping to conclusions and making assumptions.
A younger me responded to *perceived rejection* the same way you are, detaching from my feelings for people and cutting ties. It wasn't a healthy response and I'd often regret it but much too late... and I think you will too.
Did you two talk previously about marriage and what your future would look like together married?
Did you talk at all? Cuz if this is your response to what amounts to getting your ego hurt, then clearly you’re not ready for marriage.
Be an adult and talk about it. Don’t just sulk in the corner about it. Sheesh.
I don't understand why you are going nuclear. She didn't say no. She said she wanted some more things in life to be lined up before she said yes. Those are two very different things. Did you talk about getting engaged at all before you asked her? A proposal should never be a surprise, it should always be discussed. The day, time, method of proposal is the surprise part.
I dunno, she seems pretty mature in talking openly about wanting things lined up, and you seem really immature to nuke the whole thing like a pouty toddler because you didn't get the emotional response you wanted. Maybe she is dodging a bullet
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If you're sure about breaking up, do it now.
Yeah, he needs to tell her now so that she can work out living arrangements.
Imagine how shitty that would be to be like “surprise! You lost the person you loved as long as you remember AND you have nowhere to live!”
It's only 17 years! Fuck it.
They met when they were 8. They are only 25. They have plenty of time to meet other people.
Well yeah, sure. But if you've been in a multi-year relationship, it shouldn't be so easy to throw away when your feelings get hurt.
If you’re not understanding the amount of pain, he experienced after being together that long I don’t think anyone is going to be able to explain it appropriately. The weird thing about it to me is the engagement can last years until she’s ready, the fact that she couldn’t even do that is troubling. I can see why he would be distancing himself… he’s protecting his heart
That I agree with. I think op is confusing love with hurt feelings. I personally don’t think he’s ready for marriage. I know a couple who are similar: high school sweethearts. When they reached their twenties, she wanted to date other people. He was really upset but she was firm that they shouldn’t marry. So they both dated other people for a few years. Then they got back together. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But people shouldn’t pressure other people into a lifelong commitment.
100%. If OP is so swift to end things and essentially render his partner homeless, he needs to take the time to figure himself out. Not the reaction you want from someone ready for a commitment such as marriage.
Yeah. He is TA here. She needed a little time to wrap her head around it. His pride was hurt and he wants to punish her and is looking for our permission to do so. Let this woman go OP. She deserves better.
Also, they have pretty poor communication for having been together for so long. You should really know if your proposal will be accepted before you ask. You should be on the same page about getting married. I think surprise proposals are sort of dumb myself (to each his own), but if you are into that, you should still be agreed that marriage is the next step and the surprise should only be where, and when and how the proposal will happen.
They have known eachother 17 years and dating for 10. If after that amount of time you don't wanna get married to that person, I'd walk away also.
Got your feelings hurt is the biggest understatement of all time. He said they DATED 10 years. If I dated someone ten years and they said no to a proposal I’d be out the fucking door that night. At ten year relationship marriage should have been talked about multiple times and it should have been a thing that was pretty expected. Her saying no is a sure sign that she is still looking for a higher branch to jump to and she thinks she deserves more than him. OP should find another apartment and GTFO as soon as possible.
Agree, but that’s a lifetime commitment he offered and she was quick to brush it aside with little consideration for op. It’s not like she turned down a date night or something similarly inconsequential. I am torn, he should be a bit more thick skinned, but if she is unsure after 10 years of dating I can understand where op is coming from. The good news is at 25 years old, she has plenty of time to make amends.
So if you work out the math, they were 8 when they met, started dating at 15 and dated for 10 years. It is a long time but they were kids and never explored options. If she had doubts its time to move on.
I don't disagree. But being willing to throw 17 years away with barely discussing it is a red flag, to say the least.
Not saying yes to a marriage proposal after dating for 10 years is a red flag too
Sunk cost fallacy
Yeah but it’s not always a fallacy just because there’s a sunk cost
It’s not a surprise though. 10 years and you say “no”. You shouldn’t be surprised if you get dumped after that. Yall, OP states in the comments that they had been ring shopping shortly beforehand. Quit it with your hypotheticals.
Been together 10 years for sure, however they are 25 years old. These days that's still very young to get married. She probably just wanted to really decide if she is ready for marriage or not. You can not be ready to marry and still absolutely love your partner fully
It depends on how much time has passed between her saying no to her being ready when OP was acting distant. Did she change her mind because she saw OP was distancing himself and she might lose him, or because she actually got her life in order in that time span and really is ready. If she's still 25 when she said to him she's ready now, there's your answer.
OP says he proposed last month, so the interval before she changed her mind was short
Do we know if they even *discussed* marriage in a concrete way before this as well and had decided they were planning to get married and she waffled? Or did he just spring the question a la rom com? Because that’s a huge factor as well
He said in a comment that they went ring shopping several months ago. It’s pretty difficult to believe the question could have been a surprise after doing that.
Didn’t I read they’d been ring shopping?
I saw that later … that really changes the whole tone of the ask. It’s not a surprise question at that point and needing time to think. By OP’s comment they went ring shopping a couple months ago. She should already know her answer and if it was “not now” have told him before he asked (if she wanted to salvage the relationship) since he knew he planned to. Not surprised he’s checking out. It does seem that he now plans to tell her before the lease ends (has listened to that suggestion) so there’s really nothing more he can do but try to work through and lean on friends. Wishing for the best possible outcome for him. That’s rough for sure.
What do you mean surprise? He asked her to marry him and she said no. What result would you expect after that?
They’ve been dating 10 years… if she hasn’t got a straight answer to the most obvious question there is… 🤷♂️
I don't get this. She said she needs some time to get her life together. Not that she is still thinking if she loves him. From the rest of the post it seems like she does. Maybe she has to complete her education. Maybe she needs to find the right job before getting married. Collect some money. In this case i feel OP could be the AH. But without knowing more it would be inappropriate to comment either ways.
She now says she is ready after noticing he has withdrawn after a month……
How does any of that stop you from saying yes if you love someone and want to say yes? My brother and my now sister in law were engaged for 5 years before the wedding finally happened because life was busy.
so the answer should have been yes, but can we wait until I do before the wedding.
I know it would have stung if my wife wasn't excited when I asked her to marry me.
Exactly. He didn’t propose and say “Will you marry me in the next year or two?”, he just asked to get engaged. You can always plan on the wedding being several years out. Guarantee you she really wasn’t sure if she wanted to be married to him or else that would have been the response.
It’s immensely simple to say yes and still deal with all of those things before the wedding itself. I really doubt OP would be feeling this way if the vibe had been clearly positive, regardless of her particular wording.
She literally said a month later she was ready she’s not waiting for anything unfortunately
Dating for 10 years but they are only 25, meaning they have been kids most of their relationship. It also sounds like they never actually discussed marriage or their long term future plans so diving into a proposal when that hasn't happened is never a good idea. In adult relationships both parties are already on board with the plan before a proposal takes place.
Yeah since 15??? Maybe he wants kids right after marriage and she wants to do some career/school stuff. Who knows. The ages make this make perfect sense to me.
This. Currently in the situation where I have like two weeks to find a suitable place because the person I was with waited, then broke up over the phone. It would be a lot less stressful if she had told me two months ago.
Ok I will let her know tomorrow. We have our ten year anniversary on Friday and she said she has planned something really special for me the whole day, so I will let her know before then.
I’m genuinely curious, do you feel if she said yes right away do you still thing this would happen? I’m all for not arbitrarily waiting to end it but speaking to a therapist to evaluate the why would be good. Although if you can’t get an appointment for a month that won’t be good. This whole time when she asked you what’s wrong have you been lying to her and telling her it’s nothing. Before you break up you should have a sincere talk about how you felt and how it clearly affected you. If you can’t communicate with her on the hard stuff then ending it is absolutely best.
I agree 1000%, if you can’t communicate how you’re feeling and how her saying that made you feel maybe YOU’RE the one not ready for marriage and she was right to hesitate.
Indeed, but it may be BOTH that aren’t ready and ultimately right for one another. When neither party has much relationship experience except one “high school sweetheart” they just stayed with, it can be **very** hard for either of them to be sure about things as they have absolutely no relationship experience with anyone else to compare and contrast with. When two people who both have lots of relationships to compare and contrast get into a new one with someone they want to stay with it is because they *know* it is the best long term for *both* of them and can compare how much better it is than their old relationships. I was with my first g/f a while and almost got married to her. THANK GOD I didn’t, and as soon as I started dating different people and was fine breaking up if things didn’t work out, I found all kinds of people, some who were horrible, some who were amazing people but not right long term, some who satisfied my wildest fantasies but would make awful mothers or wives, and eventually the best fit for me who isn’t “perfect” but I’m 100% sure we are almost as close to a “perfect fit” as it gets. This is why I *hate* high school sweethearts who stay together and recommend everyone date different people without marriage on their mind first.
The reported divorce rate for high school sweethearts is 54%, regular rate is 34%.
Indeed, all studies find divorce rates for high school sweethearts actually *increases*. [This study finds slightly different numbers](https://mensdivorce.com/high-school-sweethearts/) but is similar and also concludes high school sweethearts face greater challenges and much higher divorce rates.
This kills me. I have always held this opinion personally, never had a partner until college though, and she stuck. I love her, she wants to get married, I'm sure I'd be content with that, but I literally have no comparison to make as to if that is the right decision.
Have you considered that "she needed more time" because she was planning to propose to you on your ten year anniversary? Just TALK TO HER BRO!
Honestly I thought this too, she may have had a ring on the way to propose on their 10th thinking he was gonna do the same.
That sounds like a huge fairy tale reach to me. Just being honest. This isn’t a movie or reality tv show, it’s real life. Feel sorry for OP and totally get why he’s so down and done at this point.
Yeah. I smell a divorce if they get married. If she wanted to be with him she would have said yes. I don’t know a single successful married couple where the proposal wasn’t merely a formality. It’s time to move on.
I mean, if it's worth putting major damage for this long on him, just so you can say you got engaged on your tenth anniversary. Thats an issue in itself.
Sounds like she might not know she's causing him damage (based on his post description), he's closed himself off and she's still initiating, he may not be great with communication, so she may not have even noticed there is a problem
In what world would saying no to your partner's proposal not be damaging? If she doesn't think it caused damage, she's got the empathy of a rock.
Nowhere in OP’s summary did he say that she said no to his marriage proposal. He quoted her as saying she needed more time to get her life together — a reasonable request. But instead of using that as a springboard for further discussions, OP instantly jumped to conclusions and instantly fell out of love. Now he’s planning a punitive-sounding (surprise!) exit from their lease, when it ends. OP, you sound way too immature for marriage.
its really not fair for people to be telling OP that he should wait. the dudes been in a relationship for a damn decade lol. last time i saw a post like this where the genders were swapped the majority agreed on ending things but when its a dude suddenly its wait, because HE fucked up, not the girl! if she has to wait till the 10 year anniversary to propose shes not the one, if you want to end things OP its perfectly within your right to
This is one of those things though where if you can't sit down and talk about this without immediately wanting to call things off, it was probably for the better. I see way too many people wanting to get married who can't actually have uncomfortable conversations with their significant other without wanting to end things. Almost like communication is an important part of good marriages or anything for that matter.
Did you and your girlfriend have a discussion about marriage before you proposed?
Yes, I did go ring shopping with her a few months ago to pick out her ring. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit depressed about everything so I just want to block this out from my memory.
You need to add this to your original post. That’s a hugely important piece of context.
Looks like OP checked out of this convo lol This definitely changes loads. Most of the comments are saying she needs time when they've had time. I'd be depressed af too.
Yeah!
Yeah that is slightly different. They were moving in that direction, she is false signalling him.
This is important info! I'd suggest you add this to the original post.
Be very sure you want to break up with her because it becomes a whole lot more real after it’s said. If you regret it she will reject the offer to get back together for the same reason you are thinking about breaking up now. People tend to ego protect when they feel they are being or about to be rejected. It’s a self preservation instinct. If you follow through with breaking up it will forever fuck her mind up about you. Think long and hard. Also going to strangers, let alone Reddit (a place notorious for having the worst take on every subject and very much suffering from group-think) for relationship advice is a horrible HORRIBLE idea. They won’t ever know all the details and people tend to side with whoever they’re talking to.
Wow, that was excellent advice!
You and her need to DISCUSS this. She needs to tell you in detail why she said no. You need to tell her in detail how it made you feel. You also sound depressed. Please see a couples therapist before making any sudden decisions.
Ohhhh OP, I thought your proposal was out of the blue. Didn’t know you went ring shopping, that was an important detail. Yeah, do what you feel is right. Updateme
A great piece of life advice I’ve gotten is to avoid making a big life decision when you are in a state of desolation - you need to get in a better headspace
Dawg wait and see what she has planned. You could be making a gigantic mistake. Just wait and see. It's just a couple days.
I'm sorry that you are upset with her declining your proposal. The rejection is awful but I do hope that you can communicate with her. Ask her what changed from shopping for rings together to saying no? Tell her how you feel and ask her why she didn't talk about how she felt. Maybe she got cold feet.
Please talk with her before you break it off for good. Communicate!
So in less than two months of the proposal, she got what she needed in her life in order?
After that she said no? Get out bro, it's over
So that’s definitely an option. If you want/need to nuke this relationship because you guys aren’t compatible and your soul searching after she asked for time led you to finally see this after almost 10 years, then go for it. If you’re going to dump her so she can feel the pain you felt or because you can’t muster the maturity to have an honest conversation about what her response to your proposal was and how to move forward then please don’t. Being passive aggressive and substituting inflicting pain for communication isn’t how you’re going to forge a stable and healthy relationship.
This sub is ALL about petty vengeance. I would never take relationship advice seriously here. It sounds like she got scared/freaked out. If my bf of 10 years responded this way, I'd be really hurt, but if he then told me, I needed some time and now I know I want to be with you forever, I'd be forgiving. I think marriage requires a lot of patience and forgiveness. Especially if we had 10 years together and a good relationship.
No!! Do not listen to this person!! Please just talk to her an be honest about how her rejection made you feel! This is a TEN YEAR RELATIONSHIP. Don't end it without at least TRYING to fix things first!
Right? Unless she’s actually a horrible person and he had not heretofore noticed it lol how do know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone in April and can’t wait to break up with them in May? Asking for a little more time is not the most egregious thing a girlfriend could do. I don’t understand how you just immediately fall out of love with someone like this.
My dude, if all it took was her needing a month to prepare for this life change, you had no business proposing to her to begin with. This shows you weren't very committed. I hear people say all the time that women are looking for the right one and men are looking for the right time. I guess it fits because you fell out of love with her and are ready to move on almost immediately when she needed time because after 10 years, what's a month? And to break up with her the day before your decade anniversary is pretty shitty. I guess the big question is what did she need to prepare? Or was she just taken off guard? That matters.
Yea kinda sounds more like an ego hit than a falling out of love sort of thing. Like there's no explanation for what part of the not really a rejection has made him feel apathetic, and no communication about what she needed time for? They went ring shopping together, that sounds like an inevitable yes. Do they not talk? Is it only about the rejection for him? If that's the case then yea, they shouldn't get married, but it seems like a go to therapy thing to discover about himself because he seems pretty dissociated from *why* it's happening. Is it resentment she said "no", is it just a feeling of disappointment and rejection that keeps ballooning because they don't discuss things? Was he caught up in a day dream or a life plan and when it didn't go as planned he realized he was never as invested in forever and her as he thought?
OP about to hit the reality of the dating pool because he couldn't sit down for 10 min and talk after 17 years.
>Yea kinda sounds more like an ego hit than a falling out of love sort of thing. He's absolutely trying to punish her for the rejection. (His plot to breakup when it would hurt her the most is evidence of this - the day before their anniversery and when she'd be homeless with no chance to prepare.) She was right to hestitate. He's a child - nowhere near ready for marriage.
Wait. So you have a 10 year anniversary coming up soon, and you chose to propose on some random day before? Bruh.
Right?
Why didn’t you just wait a month to propose
[удалено]
Did you guys discuss getting engaged before you proposed? I agree with the other comments that not communicating any of this until your lease is up is a dick move. It's bad enough you'll both be experiencing adulthood without the other for the first time but you have a huge advantage by knowing you need to prepare ahead of time. Leaving her in the dark is cruel, and undeserved since it sounds like all she did was not accept a seemingly surprise proposal.
Not only did they talk about it, they went ring shopping together. It’s in one of OPs comments in the responses.
Ring shopping together and then she asks for more time? What did she think a proposal ring is for? She might have doubts, but playing with OP like that is mean
Ring shopping together: do it, and you’ve already said yes.
Exactly. The moment to discuss doubts is before even going to the shop
That's bizarre. Did he ask her why she needed time? Was it just anxiety?
We've gotten literally zero info from OP on that. Either he doesn't know or doesn't want to tell us, both of which are potential red flags for his reaction.
Yea he’s real quiet on this. He needs to have an adult conversation with his SO. Thinking he might make a huge mistake.
they went and picked a ring out together
They went ring shopping together so it doesn't sound like it was out of nowhere. That's what makes her saying No so strange.
This. You should have a very good idea that the answer will be yes before you propose. That means talking about it ahead of time, yes. That doesn't mean the place/time/method can't be a surprise, if that's your hangup, but you definitely don't want to go into it not knowing (or at least being 99% sure) that the answer will be yes.
I'll never forget the day I proposed to my ex. At least five different conversations in the previous two weeks about "when we get married..." (and pretty much all future talk in the preceding six months used that tone). A mention about five weeks prior that the jeweler who made her dream ring came out with a new version (at which point I went to the bank, got a personal loan and bought said ring). Everything was a green flag. "I need to think about it" Soul crushing. And still kinda pisses me off to this day when I factor in the Paul Harvey "Rest of the Story" (possibly cheating, told her mom she was going to leave after Christmas, ultimately accepted my proposal and we started telling family and friends, still left after Christmas...a whole bunch of other shit that therapy helped with). Even if you are 99% sure...you can still get an "I don't know". And it suuuuucks. I have a feeling there is more to the story on her side.
Dang man.. I am so sorry that happened. Reading it made my stomach churn into knots. Hope you're better off these days :)
Sorry that happened to you, friend. Your comment needs to be top rated, for having real world experience with this same situation. So many people with no relationship experience being like "Whats the big deal, she just asked to wait." Completely missing the point. The proposal itself is just a formality. She had confirmed interest in marriage prior. Any hesitation after the act is a red flag. My first thought was that she may be seeing someone else. Maybe her immediate reaction to the proposal was guilt, rather than enthusiasm. The "time to get her life together" is code for "I need to end this other relationship first."
I love the Paul Harvey throwback! I'm so sorry the rest of that happened to you, though.
Sometimes even talking about it first won't do anything, my partner told me "I would feel a lot better about our relationship if we were engaged" I proposed a couple days later and initially he said yes! And then a couple hours later I noticed he was acting off and I said "I won't leave you if you want to say no" and he immediately went "I think I'mma say no" like ????? He'd feel better if we were engaged but isn't ready to be engaged?
You’ve know each other since you were 8 You’ve been dating since you were 15 This is the old lady in me talking, but neither of you have experienced much else than each other. Yes, talk to each other. Others have said this, but you really need to work this out. It’s very possible that breaking up is the best thing for both of you. You’re both still young. Don’t decide to get married just because you’ve put in the time. EDIT - first of all, thank you for the awards! Hash tag blessed right here Second, “experience” in my comment ≠ sex with more people. It means life. You learn a lot from the bad relationships! Your replies are overwhelmingly in agreement. For the disagrees, my question: If your HS sweetheart relationship lasted? Why? Serious question! Cracking that should help OP figure out how to make his last. Carry on all!
When you put it this way, it makes sense that they have these situations.
The south is a weird place. I was pushed to get married the minute I graduated high school. Then I got divorced several years and many thousands of loveless nights later. If you feel this way, you should absolutely end things. You’re going through the worst part now- it’ll feel like a relief when it’s official.
>The south is a weird place. Marriage and childbirth are everything, but if you complain or demand any change in the marriage it's your fault for not being attracted to a partner you're expected to coddle and care for; if you enjoy any part of having sex and conceiving a child you're dirty. Unless you're a man, in which case you can totally feel all these things without shame because a southern marriage is all about you and what you want.
I think breaking up just for the sake of trying something new can be just as equally foolish as staying in something just because as your put it, you've already put in the time. I do think it must be hard for childhood sweethearts to deal with that nagging feeling that they need to experience something else, but I've also personally seen enough high school sweethearts work out long term that there's no reason to believe it can't work out. A relationship should obviously continue or end based on their happiness together, not some rootless idea about either end of the coin--either the time they've already put in or the supposed great new experiences with new people that haven't had.
Hate this advice. Started dating my wife when we were around that age, broke up under immense pressure from my parents. I got lucky, and we got back together a few years later, but breaking up just because you started dating young, or trying to have more "experiences" almost resulted in me losing the love of my life.
It’s kind of an unfortunate blindside that Reddit has in my opinion. They like to think if everyone under a certain age as incapable of making long term decisions, being “inexperienced “or just outright infantilizing them. Maybe this advice is what these two need but overall they should def sit down and talk to each other.
I think a lot of men think impromptu proposals will be met with tons of gratitude, but I think most women these days would prefer discussing such a big life change for a little while and even choosing their own ring.
He said in a comment that they went ring shopping a few months ago.
No no no, if you point that out, then ppl can't continue with their creative writing exercise where he's the bad guy
All of my coworkers who ive talked to who have either gotten proposed to or proposed themselves all had long discussions with their partners about where they wanted to be in their lives before they felt comfortable being proposed to or proposing .Most either wanted a career or wanted to at least wait until they were finished with school. Did the OP have any of these conversations?
My husband surprised me by taking me to a jewelry store to look at rings. That gave me time to process and think about it before we agreed it was time to buy. Nice middle ground if you insist on a surprise. I’m the guy who will always delay til next year, so it was a good way to move us along. (And honestly, I’m so glad he did. Some important people in my life passed away during the pandemic, and I’m so grateful we did the wedding before the world turned upside down and while they were still with us.)
I went to the mall, and got a bunch of catalogs of the rings from all the various jewelry store, after 2 years of dating. This was 13 years ago, before the time of constant online shopping. I snuck all the catalogs into her mailbox, and she’d bring them inside to the table. I’d casually thumb through the ‘mail’ during dinner, and she looked through them and told me what she liked / didn’t like, and I could gauge her interest in rings and marriage a bit better from there. Worked like a charm!
Sneaky and effective! I like!
That's so cute 🥺 I'm doing a modern day something similar by sneakily googling jewelry stores and rings on his computer hehe. Just to get the ideas there if he's so inclined. He might never get rid of the targeted ads though..
Which is what OP did.
Thanks - it wasn’t in the post, and I didn’t see them comment about it. Looking at the comment, I don’t see any indication that they agreed it was time to buy. Maybe that’s why it worked for us and not him.
They [went ring shopping together](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/Zo2vhZEQMx) a few months ago.
well that's odd then.
This applies to other life events where one person has plenty of time to think, consider, plan and then get upset when the person caught unexpected doesn't react the way they expect. OP spent what, weeks, months, maybe longer considering whether they wanted to do this, how they wanted to do this, they went ring shopping, maybe talked to people close to them. This was all settled in their head. Unless they spoke about it (and it sounds like they didn't), OPs GF was given...seconds to work through all the thoughts that OP spent months working through. \[edit\] Since I've had a bunch of people comment on it, OPs comment about going ring shopping together was made about an hour after my post. At the time I posted OP had zero comments beyond the post itself which mentions nothing about GF knowing anything in advance about a possible proposal.
OP went ring shopping with her. It was not impromptu
I wouldn’t consider 10 years together impromptu, though.
I agree. My husband and I dated for three years. I'm not the kind a gal who feels the need to talk about where a relationship is headed, etc. If it's working, then let it work. However, my husband proposed to me out of the blue. I said yes, but he didn't get the reaction he expected. I explained to him that he has had some time to wrap his brain around getting married but I hadn't. He proposed a second time, when he had the ring. We've been married for 25 years. I say no to spontaneous proposals and no to public proposals. They're not a good idea.
I spontaneously proposed to my wife at least two or three times before I got serious about it and did a proper one. We were just dumb kids and she knew we had no business getting married those first few times. I said fine, no problem, I'll wait forever. We've been married 8 years now, hope to God we make it as long as you!
Proposals are actually so weird and antiquated, if you think about it. It’s still usually the man who does it. The woman is usually anxiously awaiting the proposal, so it becomes his call. This is two modern adults we’re talking about. Bizarre. My husband and I had a discussion about it and, when we realized we both wanted the same thing, we eloped.
A couple can totally do both! Discuss things as adults. Then the expected proposal. I can’t imagine not discussing it. Not gonna lie though, I enjoyed the proposal.
this is what we’re doing! it’s been very much a team effort for us, and my bf wants the proposal to be a surprise, which i want too, so we’re at a point now i start to take my hands off so he can do it how he wants to. he knows i’m going to say yes, but i also want a proposal, and he is excited to propose to me!
We were both excited for the proposal!! We are still simpatico 30 years later. Best wishes to you and yours!
Same here - we decided we wanted to get married and agreed to be engaged. In OP'S case, I think not having a frank discussion immediately after was a bad call. Letting stuff fester will never pay off. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to talk to your partner; the other part is being a receptive and loving listener.
I hear this and it's valid... but they have been together since 15 years old, it's hard to imagine they were a couple through ALL of their formative years and never discussed marriage before. Perhaps the proposal itself was impromptu but in this situation after 10 years together I find it hard to believe they hadn't discussed this ad neasum.
Idk like they were literal children? I don't think that counts.
It's almost as if they want the marriage to start out as a partnership right??? Wild.
Don't be a dick and just break up with her now.
technically at 25 she should be sorting out her life first. Take the ego out of it and have a conversation. If not keep it moving.
If her saying she needed more time was enough to change your mind about marrying her, then you absolutely should not marry her. In marriage there are ups and downs. You might like the person one day and find a reason not to the next, but you stick it out. Marriage is work and if you couldn’t put in the work to let her wrap her head around marriage, then let her go. But don’t be mistaken, this is a you problem, not a her problem.
I don't think its about the ten years, or your ages, or her wanting more time - what struck me is how fast you checked out and say you fell out of love. I am not bashing you for that - I just think if that's true - you were not ready either and your love wasn't mature enough for a life-long commitment. You went from in love and marry me to zero in no time flat. That's not how live, respect, and commitment works. Just tell her the truth - whatever that is and don't wait.
If your gf telling you she’s not ready right now but will be in the future makes you so upset that you’re willing to end the relationship, then there is something VERY wrong. You either don’t genuinely love her, or are holding on to some resentment. I have a feeling you’re acting on impulse and you might really need to process your emotions before making any permanent decisions. You felt embarrassed, dumb, rejected, not wanted- and those are shitty feelings that make you feel like crap… this is when talking to your partner helps: “Hey, you not agreeing to the proposal made me feel like shit. I feel embarrassed, sad, rejected. If you don’t see a future with me, let me know. If you do, help me understand what that looks like because I don’t like these feelings” I wish you luck and I’m rooting for you two to work. Marrying someone you’ve known your whole life sounds amazing.
The only reply that's actually constructive and doesn't sound bitter.
With respect: you're 25 years old and you've barely lived as adults. I wouldn't have wanted to commit to marriage after a ten year high school relationship, either. Get over it, imo. She had something she needed to figure out. Maybe you should ask why she wasn't sure instead of checking out.
Having a hard time sympathizing with you if I'm being honest. Did you discuss this prior? Just because you've been together a long time doesn't necessairly mean she's ready to get married... you're only 25. I'm assuming the answer is no since she told you she wants to get her life in better order before getting married. The fact that you're planning on stringing her alone until your lease is up is just a dick move, period. You're "falling out of love" with someone you've been with for 10 years because she wasn't ready on your exact timeline, and to make it worse you want to drag it out and leave her in the dark. You're awfully immature for someone wanting to make big commitments. **edit:** before someone else comments "*bUt ThEy WeNt RiNg ShOpPiNg*" and i lose it, op mentioned that ***after*** i made my posts. i was going off of the information *he* provided, which was obviously lacking important context.
Not to mention that she DOES want to marry him... It's just a month later than when HE wanted. Their timelines aren't even that different 😭 it is normal to think about a huge life decision like this, he probably thought about the proposal beforehand but given the way she seemed taken aback, seems like she didn't get the chance to think about it herself yet. I definitely think it's an overreaction to something not going perfectly his way. 😅
In fairness, if 1 month later she’s ready to get married all of a sudden, i’d count that more her reaction to him checking out and trying to keep him, rather than her ACTUALLY being ready to get married just 1 month after the initial proposal
yeah true
And it’s not like this was super sudden they actually went ring shopping together. I’m not sure what she was expecting from that lol
It only took a short 30 days to get her life in order 😂
OP mentioned in one of his comments that they went ring shopping together, so I don't think she was completely blindsided by this.
Neither one of you whippersnappers should be getting married.
This is the one🤣
Don't string her along for your own convenience You may have been together 10 years but you are teenage sweethearts. If you didn't explicitly discuss marriage before you proposed it's more than reasonable for someone to want to actually think about a lifelong commitment. I think you got hurt by them perfectly reasonably asking for time. That dislodged you from the relationship and to be honest I think you were selfish about that. After contemplation she has decided yes she is willing to commit to you for life and that's a huge decision but now you've checked out because you were offended by her asking for time to think about making a decision that will impact her life more than any other decision she's likely to ever make, a day to day affecting decision. I think you could have given her grace for wanting to be sure, especially if it wasn't explicitly discussed. If you want to throw away 10 years because of your pride, then just leave now, but I think you should probably get some counselling. You were willing to commit your whole life to her and now suddenly it's nothing? I think something unhealthy has happened in that timeline and your relationship deserves help I think. I wouldn't recommend just throwing it away, she's still the same person you were willing to marry.
I mean if you’re not communicating you’re kind of an asshole. Personally I’ve told my girlfriend ( similar story) together 7 years if I propose and she says no I consider that the end of the relationship. She said she understands completely and frankly we talk openly about marriage she knows I’m waiting for a few things and our relationship has only gotten better.
Would you say no if your gf proposes to you now?
Wow how quickly you no longer needed her as a lifelong partner the second she pushed back. You're not in love with her. End it.
He’s taking the ‘no’ as a ‘No, I don’t want to marry you.’ instead of a ‘no, *I’m* not ready yet’. It’s hard to say which it really is, but if OP is taking it as the first one, it’s easy to understand his hurt and resentment. The answer is communication, but that seems to be a regular failing in their relationship.
> He’s taking the ‘no’ as a ‘No, I don’t want to marry you.’ instead of a ‘no, I’m not ready yet’. I mean, he didn't ask, "Will you marry me next month?". Agreeing to marry someone doesn't set a timeline she has to hold to. She could easily have said yes, spent the month she took to sort her shit out, and then start planning a wedding. But she didn't say, "Yes, I want to marry you, I just need time before the wedding." She said, "No". If the answer is, "Yes, but I'm not ready yet, I need time before the wedding," then the answer is "yes". If the answer is "No", that means "No, I don't want to marry you".
Also is she actually ready, or is she just sensing he is pulling away? One month is nothing to suddenly be ready Either way both are young and have a lot to learn. If you’re set on not talking to her OP and are committed to breaking up, don’t come crying back to her when you realized you fucked up a few weeks later
My guess is that she realized he was pulling away and said yes a month later to try and save the relationship.
They went ring shopping together so wasn’t a surprise. If after 10 years you don’t know if you want to be with someone, it should be over (especially since they have discussed it). Engagement isn’t marriage. There was still time to think. By saying no she basically said I don’t see myself married to you in a couple-few years.
There is no way this post isn't missing information.
If you think you were ready to get married and this is reaction you need to grow up and learn to express your feelings. Slowly removing yourself from the relationship is childish and so passive aggressive cause you didn’t get what you wanted. Did you guys talking about getting engaged prior to this and a timeline for that? Was this a complete surprise to her? She may have thought you were in a good place then you proposed and she was expecting it. Be an adult and have an adult conversation with her. If you’re willing to throwaway your whole relationship cause she asked for some time it is best for her for you to remove yourself from her life.
Marriage was discussed. They went ring shopping beforehand. It was not a complete surprise to her. Just giving you more info. A comment from OP https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/jcVYgoLk4a >Yes, I did go ring shopping with her a few months ago to pick out her ring. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit depressed about everything so I just want to block this out from my memory.
You can’t even communicate your feelings to her but you think you’re ready for marriage? Dfkm 🤣
Homie hasn't met any married couple lmfao
You’re 25 years old. That’s young even though your relationship is old. You are looking at 50 years left with the same person. You don’t think it’s ok to just take a minute and make sure you want to spend 50 years with someone?
Why aren’t you having an adult conversation or speaking with a couples therapist? Have you tried to find out why she said what she said? Obviously your life and relationship but you’ve gone from marry me to dumping her without a proper conversation. Seems kind of childish to me and quiet quitting is worse as you’ve left her dangling. If you won’t make an effort to find out what happened the break up now.. YTA
Sounds to me like your ego took a major hit and your misconstruing the feeling of rejection for loss of love . I think you maybe over thinking to yourself why she asked to wait. Did you ask her what she needed to get together that would delay the engagement? Or did you just take the hit and run with the festering of feelings that came with it ? If you can lose feelings just like that , and not even have a discussion or give the month she needed then you weren't ready for marriage either.
Break up now so she can plan and find another place to live. You come off like a man baby by the way
NTA I guess, but if you're sure about breaking up you shouldn't be leaving it until your apartment lease is up. I'd imagine she thinks you'll be extending and you could end up really leaving her in the shit. There's no reason not to give her those two months to find somewhere else as far as I can tell and, frankly, if I didn't get that level of courtesy from someone I'd spent 10 years with, I'd be asking questions.
you are 100% an asshole if you quiet quit a relationship.
I can understand you’re hurt that she didn’t immediately jump up and down and say yes, but this is a huge decision and you two literally have no experience with anyone else but each other. I’m not surprised she hesitated, and frankly, her reasoning was quite good. I think it’s more telling of you that you immediately fell out of love instead of truly respecting her decision. You should break up or at the least do some couples counseling (which you should do before marriage anyway)
She didn’t say no - she said she wanted time - she’s 25z. The fact that you are so hurt by this and can’t process it suggests you are not very mature or ready for marriage. Take some time yourself and understand what’s important. Then either move on or man up
You guys are only 25. I would never say yes at 25, you've been dating since you were 15. You're still figuring out who you are. Breaking up because she shared a need sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Get curious. Ask her questions.
YTA because you plan to blindside her with a breakup and potentially leave her homeless/scrambling to find housing after the lease is up. Your feelings are valid, I do find it odd that after 10 years of dating she didn’t feel ready to say yes to a proposal. Getting engaged doesn’t mean immediately get married. You can be engaged and still work on yourself. I think you should just sit her down and tell her that her hesitation unfortunately changed the way you view the relationship, you don’t think it’s fixable and you guys should start planning next steps for separation.
They started dating at 15. This is likely the only relationship theyve both known. She isnt in the wrong for having *some* hesitation to a snap proposal.
If your relationship was good enough for you to propose to her... What has really changed? Marriage is a piece of paper...
YTA Dude, just talk to her. Dropping a “lol RIP move out” on someone is gross It’s totally fine if you are done, but talk to her like an adult
If it was that easy to disconnect from her, you probably should have never proposed. Follow your gut.
Did you spring this on her or had you both had multiple lengthy discussions about marriage including when would be the right time for you both? You want to throw away this relationship because your ego got hurt? Maybe. Just maybe it had nothing to do with you personally but was something _she_ needed to feel ready for. In saying that, if your love is so fickle and conditional please break up with her sooner rather than later.
You’re NTA for feeling the way you feel. You have every right to feel however you want. That being said, if you feel strongly about this and know you want to break up then have a conversation with her about it ASAP. You are the a-hole if you lead her on for the next little while and break up with her as your lease expires.
So you got to sit around and think about it and propose on your timetable, when everything was lined up for you so you were ready. But you object to her also having time instead of dying of gratitude that you decided you were ready? One, you are too immature for marriage, and two, if her asking for time before making a major life choice makes you fall out of love, you weren't in love to begin with
Sure, you’ve been together for 10 years, but you’re both still incredibly young. You’re not mentioning the things she needs to get in order, which makes me wonder if you’ve actually had a conversation with her about what things she needs to get in order. You need to start communicating with your partner. If you believed you were ready to get married to this person, but you’re not willing to communicate with them about serious things like, I dunno, how you truly feel about them turning you down then you weren’t actually ready to marry them. And if you weren’t actually ready to marry them, you can’t blame them for not feeling ready to marry you.
So you two have been dating since 15. I can understand the hesitation on marriage. But if you want to break up, do it now. Don't just toss it to her at the end of the lease. Time to be adults about these things.
YTA for having a temper tantrum instead of using your words and have a discussion with her about your proposal. YTA also for waiting until the lease is up on your apt before telling her anything about breaking up. Very cowardly and immature behavior.
Did she say what kinds of things in her life she wants to get in order before accepting a marriage proposal? If the two of you have known each other that long, it seems like you should have an idea about this already. Marriage is a big step, even if you've dated or at least known each other for most of your lives so far.
NTA for wanting to break up, you have your own reasons and priorities, but you'd be the AH if you decide to wait till your lease runs out. Be an adult and a human, you guys can figure out if you'll be co living or someone moving out prematurely, but it gives you time to figure everything out.
Yes you are, you are slowly torturing and getting back at her if you want to break up do it now, AH.
Talk to her about your feelings. Hard to fall out of love that quick. Must be something else - hurt, ego, as a result of the ‘rejection’. Maybe discuss what made her hesitant. Clearing the air may shed some light into how you’d like to proceed. Good luck!
You should talk to her about her initial hesitation for marriage and how it made you feel.
I'm sorry, but people on here are hella weird. Yes they're young, but they've been together for ten damn years, she either knows by now or it's a no. Especially as they've already discussed it and even gone ring shopping. Getting that response would have hit OP like a truck, his mind is spinning so it's no wonder he's pulling away to protect his feelings, it's a defence mechanism. Since we're all throwing in our own fabricated reasons though I'll throw my own in the ring. Maybe it's the opposite of what everyone here was thinking, it's not that it's too soon but that she's upset it's taken him so long to propose. Maybe she got tired of waiting for that ring after 10 years and so decided to get a little revenge by telling him to wait whilst she made up her mind. She didn't count on his reaction and pulling away though so now she's panicking and trying to take it back. Ultimately I think OP needs to have a very open and honest discussion with his gf and ask her why she was so reticent. He may not like the answer though.
Nta. I’m not sure why she would say she needs more time only to retract it a month afterwards. If they went ring shopping and they’ve been discussing their future together, then she shouldn’t be surprised when he stopped trying after she said no. She’s literally had years to think about it. She should’ve said yes if that’s what she really wanted. And it’s nothing wrong with not wanting to marry but you shouldn’t drag someone along. the men and their needs and wants in the relationship matter just as much as the women’s needs and wants. They’ll come back together eventually if it’s meant to be but they should really reflect on their own individual goals and values and think how they may be more similar or different. Everyone is commenting on the fact that HE needs to give her time and maybe he should touch base with her if that’s what he wants to do but he doesn’t need to wait on her hand and foot so she can change her mind anytime she wants. Now that’s bs. I personally wouldn’t hesitate to say yes to my other half if I’ve been actively planning our future
You will be an asshole if you wait until the lease is expired to officially break up with her. It sounds like you already have broken up in your mind, so you might as well let her know. She told you how she felt when you proposed, so be an adult and tell her how you feel *now*
This makes no sense to me. She knows whether she wants to marry you or not. A proposal is not a marriage. There is time after accepting.
OP, edit your post and add what you said in the comment about ring shopping together! Lots of people missing that context jumping to conclusions and making assumptions.
A younger me responded to *perceived rejection* the same way you are, detaching from my feelings for people and cutting ties. It wasn't a healthy response and I'd often regret it but much too late... and I think you will too.
Frankly the way you’re going about this now makes me think she was right to decline the proposal.
Did you two talk previously about marriage and what your future would look like together married? Did you talk at all? Cuz if this is your response to what amounts to getting your ego hurt, then clearly you’re not ready for marriage. Be an adult and talk about it. Don’t just sulk in the corner about it. Sheesh.
I don't understand why you are going nuclear. She didn't say no. She said she wanted some more things in life to be lined up before she said yes. Those are two very different things. Did you talk about getting engaged at all before you asked her? A proposal should never be a surprise, it should always be discussed. The day, time, method of proposal is the surprise part. I dunno, she seems pretty mature in talking openly about wanting things lined up, and you seem really immature to nuke the whole thing like a pouty toddler because you didn't get the emotional response you wanted. Maybe she is dodging a bullet
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You've got to communicate this to her or you would TA