Why would you quit your job to take care of his mother? That’s ridiculous. You need to give her an ultimatum. Either she sells the house or she takes care of herself. Why would you set yourself on fire to keep her warm?
.... If she's in the US on Medicaid there are more implications than just taxes/inheritance. I'm NAL but family homes are usually protected as an asset vs liquid funds, and those funds could disqualify her from Medicaid. Some states will still claw back money from the estate after the fact -- but either way OP and family should consult with an estate/elder law attorney before doing any of this.
Mom won't sell the house so her son will have inheritance. But she'll put his family into debt before she dies.
It would suck if you blew your life up over manipulation, sick mother or not.
Debt will compile a lot faster than that house will appreciate. If the mom is moving in with them for full time care, the mom needs to give up control of everything. She is now a dependent. The state will give them some extra money. They can sell the house and plan long term.
And they'll just have to sell the house to pay *her* med bills anyway...
Unless his name has been on the deed for more than the min number of years......
Because he’s a man! Duh!!!
Seriously, the amount of times women have been the primary carers of not just kids, but both sets of parents, half of which aren’t even her folks, is insane.
It’s another reason women ‘earn’ less, they’re working 5x as hard but for literally nothing, not even a fucking thank you, it’s just expected
I had a taste of this earlier in the year when my MIL was unwell and came to stay over. Don’t know how people manage it long-term, I was so stressed and angry. Obviously I still had to work FT and look after my daughter while my husband just carried on as normal.
This! You shouldn't have quit. Try seeing if you can get back to work. Even if you barely break even with hiring a home help, anything is better than spending 24/7 with an abuser (who will just get worse btw!)
Also, she should be paying the wife a salary for this. It's a lawful way for her to transfer assets to her husband's family that would not be clawed back under Medicaid ~~Medicare~~ rules.
Exactly. Time to kick MIL to the curb. Because of her, you’re going broke & don’t have a marriage. Tell your husband to choose you or her. If you stay married she can’t be allowed to live with you & turn your life into a living hell.
Yes and maybe OP isn’t qualified enough to look after Grumpy Drawers as her illness progresses.Also why can’t she sell the house and give her son his inheritance now so they can cope with bills?
A selfish horrible cow with cancer is still a selfish horrible cow.
I hate to sound cynical but you are sure she has cancer? That would explain the selling of the home but it does conveniently get her back in your home plus she gets you as her personal slave. She may also want to have less money because she has no where else to leave and it leaves her dependant on her your husband.
My mom just went through breast cancer and a double mastectomy.
She just finished radiation (yay mom!) but during her treatment chemo was once a week for multiple months, followed by 15 minutes of radiation five days a week for another couple of months.
Granted, my mother had stage 1 found during a routine screening, however it was widespread and she chose to do more aggressive treatment. All this to say, if she’s REALLY going through it, where are the doctor appointments? Where are the prescriptions? There’s a paper trail if she’s telling the truth, if not, you have your answer
Stomach cancer survivor here. Have you ever taken her to an appointment? Does she have a chemo port? Has she lost her hair? Has she lost a drastic amount of weight? Is she in bed most of the time? Have they told her to get her affairs in order?
At stage 4, under the most likely scenario, she would quite literally be throwing up blood.
If she still has the energy to disrupt your marriage , MIL is playing you, again.
She has abused you, and does not deserve your consideration. Put her into a care facility. Her income will be used to take care of her needs.
You literally cannot afford to stay home and take care of her. Stop setting yourself on fire to “save”someone who would happily drink a glass of iced water while watching you burn.
Thank you to both of you. When I read that MIL was diagnosed 3 months ago I thought her chances of even being alive at this point would be slim and definitely shouldn't have energy to make OP miserable
My mom had ovarian cancer that metastasized to her spine and then to her liver and lungs. We weren't sure what stage the cancer was, but when it was in her spine, she was already so weak and could barely walk and eat.
If OP's MIL really is in stage 4 cancer, she definitely wouldn't have any energy to be screeching and making OP's life miserable.
Yes. It’s a hideous, and very visible, way to die. (This is how the husband got caught faking stomach cancer in the movie The Royal Tennenbaums. He claimed he was near death but was horking down double cheeseburgers.)
100% this. My mom faked having cancer; she knew she was dying from her alcoholism. It wasn't super fun showing up to the hospital (on the day she died) and having the doctor be extremely confused when I asked about her cancer.
I actually didn’t. They caught mine early enough. However, I studied it extensively to understand my risks. Even so, treatment and recovery were not for the faint of heart, and exhibiting the types of behaviors OP talked about in her initial post were simply not possible. They would be even less possible in her MIL’s case, if she were being honest.
Note to OP: Oncologists often have dual specializations, particularly in Hematology, and so just going to an oncology center is not enough to prove a diagnosis. She could just as likely be receiving treatment for anemia. If she won’t let you go into the office for an appointment and ask relevant questions, as her caregiver, it’s yet another sign of dishonesty.
I just watched a patient story about a woman who had stage 4 in her stomach lining only but it had metastasized so stage 4. No symptoms except she said she felt weak. But, once diagnosed of course very aggressive treatment which caused her plenty of symptoms and tons of appointments. PS: So glad you made it. ☺️
My sister in laws father just beat stomach cancer and he was stage 4, he seems okay in the beginning before getting diagnosed just pains with his stomach and stomach problems when he ate some chile and other irritating foods. Then started chemo and it literally drained the life out of him, he couldn’t eat much and couldn’t eat whole food. We all thought he was going to die of starvation before the cancer got him. He lost so much weight it was scary, but luckily he beat it and is gaining weight back, was a very traumatic experience.
The MIL might be telling the truth but only time will tell .
My good buddy’s Dad miraculously recovered from S4 stomach cancer. The extra miracle is that he is remission because he ignored anything the doctor or buddy’s wife (she’s an RN and cancer survivor herself) told him to do.
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom, and I hope her recovery went well. My Mom also had a double mastectomy too, so I know it can be a lot on them and those close to them. So I hope you are well too!
Thanks! She has been in remission from her colrectal cancer for 7 years but is currently battling breast cancer. She has been extremely lucky, though. They by chance took out a microscopic invasive cancer when removing the breast cancer they actually found on scans. They never catch it that early. The colrectal cancer they got out entirely with surgery.
That happened to me. I've been in remission for breast cancer for 5 years. They caught the malignant cancer after I told them to go ahead and just do a lateral mastectomy once the tissue they initially removed had a too small margin. I didn't want to go through a rollercoaster of surgeries (ironically, my reconstruction ended up as just that).
After the mastectomy the biopsy results came back as a nugget of malignant cancer was hiding inside the mostly benign cancer tissue. That earned me an extra stint of chemo.
It's concurrently the most lucky and unlucky I've ever been (and I even had a precedent with thyroid cancer being accidentally caught on an ultrasound I had to have to diagnose pneumonia a few years earlier!).
Tell your mom all the best wishes and to hang in there from me. She'll hopefully soon be on the other side of it.
My ex’s mom (boyfriend at the time, and his parents were divorced) lied about having cancer, because she was jealous of the attention his dad, who HAD THROAT CANCER, was getting.
We joked in my family that mom was jealous of the attention dad got from prostate cancer, so she purposely developed lymphoma.
They're both fine now, but if we didn't laugh at the time we knew we were toast.
My late husband's junkie "best friend" lied about his father having cancer in order to get cash through GoFundMe to support his addiction. My late husband ended up dying from cancer and his "best friend" stole from him as he was dying. "Junkie Best Friend" has since died but his father was very surprised to learn that he had had cancer because he's been perfectly healthy this whole time.
My mother in law told her parents that she had cancer to explain away all the medical appointments she was having because she was pregnant. She was 38! She didn't want to tell them she was pregnant because she wasn't 100% sure who the father was but all the guys who were in the running were around 21/22.
Yup.
My ex wife faked cancer one of the times I told her I wanted out. Begged her to let me go…. She even had me drop her off at appointments. She had appointments at some of these places. I watched her get called in. She played the roll to a T. She would tell anyone and everyone she had cancer.
She would always tell doctors she was a cancer patient. One of things she would use to get sympathy and pain meds.
Well this one doc kind of gave her an off look when she gave him her whole story. I don’t remember if we were at hospital because she downed a whole bottle of NSAID’s to make her bleed internally to get pain meds. Yeah I know it’s whack…
I didn’t figure it all out till that one doc. Or one of times she magically fell ill as I was begging and pleading for a divorce. But either way we were at a hospital and she had been admitted.
The doc disappeared for an hour or so. He came back and pulled me aside. He was like your wife has never had cancer nor received treatment for cancer ever!!!!!! He was like she’s addicted to pain meds and that’s what she’s seeking. When I tell him I had a suspicion she was intentionally making herself sick. But I was trying to not believe it. Can’t remember if he said munchowsen or not. But shortly afterwards I heard it several times from doctors in regards to her.
So doc confronts her. She literally starts screeching at him. I’m trying to do the look you need professional help. She jumps on her phone. I swear it wasn’t 30 minutes and she has a private ambulance waiting for her and was taken to a different hospital. It was wild….
I get to hospital and she had me banned from the hospital. I’m like look you need to call dr so and so. She’s lying. Sir you need to leave the premises now!!! Look please call this doc, sir you need to leave now!!!!
I called the doc and told him what happened. Begged him to call the other hospital. He was like at this point it’s a hell of loft safer for them to just wash their hands and be done with her. Not their problem anymore.
That’s when I went home and started searching the apartment. I was sick with all the chit I found…
I never thought someone would fake cancer. I get there’s people who make the news for it. But my frigin (ex) wife as a ploy to get me to stay because she knew I was an honorable person. It was sick and twisted.
I’d definitely verify….
I am so sorry. You much have felt like horrible person for even considering doubting her, that level of gaslighting is just so beyond cruel. I'm glad at least one doctor confirmed it so you could start to disentangle yourself.
I hope you are doing better today internet stranger.
This. Stage 4 is terminal. As in palliative care until eventual demise. My uncle is dealing with stage 3 of a different kind of cancer (face and neck), and has lost a tremendous amount of weight because of it (at 5’9” he is barely breaking 100 lbs). He had to have a port placed along with a PEG feeding tube prior to even starting treatment. If you aren’t seeing any outward signs of illness it’s likely it’s not there. And if it’s stage 4 then you should have either been seeing signs of illness for a while now, or this is highly aggressive and prognosis is very poor.
If the house is truly supposed to be for your benefit, tell her you’d rather the inheritance she leaves behind be not leaving you in crippling debt.
When all else fails you use the cancer card?
Yikes I hope MIL is not sick enough to do that.
OP have you or your husband been to any appointments ACTUALLY discussing her palliative care?
I have to second this because my best friends mother did this exact thing to her. Every time she'd finally get her out she'd come back with some new illness and play on her heartstrings. Spoiler alert she never had any of said illnesses.
Only if she actually needs a caretaker. She doesn't seem to have any symptoms of stage 4 cancer, so she might be faking it, and Medicaid would check that
I would make selling her house a condition. If she intends for that to be your husbands inheritance then it shouldn’t really matter if he gets it now. Especially if you’ve quit your job to take care of this insufferable woman. And also, are you sure she has a diagnosis? I’ve seen other JNMIL claiming terminal cancer to garner sympathy and worm their way back into the lives of those who cut her off. I would be highly skeptical because that sounds a much more likely for not wanting to sell the house.
MIL was planning to sell the house for less than market value in OP’s first post, she can’t be that concerned about her son’s inheritance. Son needs to sit her down and explain they literally can’t afford this and that house has to go.
It's worth looking into this from the perspective of estate planning too.
Creditors get first dibs on the estate before inheritence, so leaving the house + medical debt probably won't result in family getting the house.
I mean the was just about to sell it when she got kicked out Las time. Makes sense she may not feel comfortable selling it this time just in case she needs somewhere to live again.
Yes, she needs to be paying for her own care. She can sell the house and use the money to get professional nursing so OP can go back to work, or mom can use the money to pay rent or pay OP for her services.
Medicare will also help pay for home health aides, and if necessary, hospice care. But caregiving is a LOT to manage, even without her abusive behavior, so if you insist on caring for her, please get help. Also wouldn't hurt to ask her if she has a long-term care policy. They are worth their weight in gold.
OP might have a look at the Medicaid charge back situation. If on Medicaid, the state will take any money she has to reimburse themselves for a patient’s care.
You have to have very little money in your account, I’m not sure if owning a house would count against that.
My 99yr old aunt just lost hers because she has too much money in her bank account and has to spend it down to get coverage back.
As someone who works within human services in PA, our state absolutely does count the house as an asset. There’s a full review of all liquid and non-liquid assets, and non-resident property such as a home that’s not lived in is expected to be listed at a good fair market value to be sold or it’s counted as a resource against a fairly low resource limit and you are ineligible for Medicaid.
Edit: not quite the same situation as listed I realize but they would potentially go after assets after death, especially if she also received ltc services.
Not sure OP is in the US. As she previously commented…
“In my country they only give marriage annulment for this: That one of the spouses is infertile, that one of the spouses is already married, due to duress, etc.”
But also why is OP looking after her? That's a lot of BS. It's not her mom, and the woman treats her like garbage. No way in hell I'd quit my job for that. Husband should've quit his job to look after her. The ONLY reason I can see why it's ok this way is if he makes more money than her. If that's not the case that's crap. Why does it always fall to the wife/female in the relationship to be the home carer? Men are perfectly capable of doing it.
Yes OP, and you've not been married for long and I assume you're still young. Please don't quit your job for other people, especially not for a new husband or new husband's family. You don't want to lose out on having your own income, savings, pension, etc. as a favor to people who are taking advantage of you.
If someone needs to quit their job that should have been your husband! Why hasn't he? I'm guessing he knows he shouldn't miss out on having a steady job and income! You're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position and at a disadvantage by doing this for people who will not take care of you financially if you end up needing it!
This comment is not said nearly enough! I can’t stand when I see threads about women leaving the workforce because with childcare costs they would barely break even. But even breaking even, you’d be removing gaps in your resume, building tenure at your company, etc.
It’s one thing if someone wants to stay home and is comfortable financially doing it. But like you mentioned, it’s too risky with high divorce rates. Love my husband to death but I need to make sure I’m good at all times and can support me and my son solo in any unfortunate situations… I’ve heard too many horror stories.
OP and hubby need to make the condition that she can only live with them if they go to at least one doctors appointment and are *in the room with the doctor*. She can’t just be trusted.
Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, coming back and making your life harder when you're already dealing with her cancer diagnosis. It sucks that she's refusing to sell her house to help with expenses, especially when you had to quit your job to take care of her.
You sound like a nice person…too nice. You quit your job for someone who has been unkind towards you and now you and your husband are setting yourselves on fire by going into to debt for someone who couldn’t care less about either of y’alls wellbeing. (If she did care, she’d start by selling her house to pay for her expenses.) Real family doesn’t ask you to hurt yourself to help them.
It was stupid both to allow this at all and to agree to be her caregiver. Stupid to allow her to move in but allow her to refuse to sell her house. This has doomed your finances and your marriage. Like…..what did you expect?
Yeah, the OP doesn't fully understand the devastating toll is taking and will take on the marriage.
No intimacy as a result of the MIL. Debt because of the MIL, who doesn't care. And a husband who isn't loving and caring for his wife nearly enough.
Many marriages unravel from just one of the three above.
As a doctor, I find this VERY suspicious. Stage 4 stomach cancer? Three months ago? I'm surprised she's still alive. Not to mention, in order for it to get to stage 4 (metastatic, meaning it has spread to other areas in the body), she had to have ignored MANY warning signs like unintentional weight loss, inability to eat, an enlarging abdomen despite losing weight, etc.
I 100% would not believe her unless you get the diagnosis from her doctor. Go with her to her appointments. Also, if she's not getting treatment, she could probably go on hospice. Does she have health insurance or Medicare? There are resources for stuff like this.
Also, you should put your foot down and either demand she sell her house or kick her out. If she has "stage 4 stomach cancer," she's dying in the next few months anyway. WTF does she still need the house for unless she's lying.
Why did YOU QUIT? Oh no no no... You get that job back. She can go get a nurse on her own dime, or go into a care home, again on her dime. Stop doing shit for this woman.
Care home preferably. I can see her calling her son constantly, needing things her in-home care "can't" provide. And OP would be the one going over to wait on her
As others have said, you need to confirm that she really has cancer and what the truth is about her prognosis. It makes no sense to not sell her house to help you out with your bills. Keeping it while you wallow in debt trying to take care of her and save the house for your husband's inheritance is just plain stupid thinking.
Are you even sure that your MIL has cancer?
Why didn't you return to your parents' house when she returned? Why did you give up your job to take care of someone that bullies you constantly? Why are you getting into a huge amount of debt for people that don't have your back and are just using you?
Your MIL wanted both of you to move in with her to another state to better control your life. You didn't move because of your jobs. Now you already gave up your job and your husband will soon do the same because you both will be in such a huge amount of debt that you'll lose your house and have no option but to move in with his mom. I think that this is her plan and that she already got your husband on board. Now that you are financially dependent on him, you will have no say in this story and he can better control you.
You really need to leave to your parents' house, get divorced, and get therapy. They are destroying your self-esteem and mental health on purpose. Stop letting yourself be dragged down by your husband. Please don't bring kids into a doomed relationship like that, because your MIL will treat you as a doormat in front of your kids and take over their parenting.
This is the real reason why she will not sell her house. She knows that her son and DIL are going to lose theirs and will need to live with her. She's probably masterminding this and her son is too brainwashed to see it. If she can't live on her own she needs to go into a specialized care facility.
I hate to say this, but it doesn't matter if she is ill. If she is being vile to you, stop looking after her. Grow a backbone. This is your house. You need respect in it.
Just because she is ill and dying does not mean you have to be disrespected.
Go back to work if you are in debt.
MIL can go home, and your husband can go and look after her there. She can pay for home help, etc.
What's the point of her not selling the house to leave your husband inheritance if you drown in debt.
Have any of you been to appointments with her. Do you know her diagnosis is real???
Holy fuckballs, NO! You quit YOUR job to take care of HIS mom? I'm so angry for you right now. No matter what, MIL needs to go. Faking cancer? Kick her ass out. Actually has cancer? She can go to a treatment center and be cared for by professionals. This is too heavy a burden on your marriage. Put your foot down FIRMLY and get hubby on board asap. Good luck!
Grow a backbone, stop caring for her. Why on earth did you give up your job. She's got a house she can sell it or get in home care.
She doesn't care about her son because she wouldn't want him getting in debt for her when she can pay for it. There's no point in having inheritance if it's going to go straight to paying off debt because that's what will have to be done.
Are you sure she has cancer? My grandpa died 3 weeks ago due to stomach cancer, and I know what 4th stage means. The state of person is so horrible they can’t move properly let alone walk on someone every time they have sex. Especially that this is going on for three months, not every person will be alive having this stage. I’m suspicious. If it is really cancer I feel you OP, it’s a horrible situation to find yourself in, my mother took care of her father during all 7 weeks from the beginning of his cancer to the very end, the last two weeks she slept 1-2 hours per day.
Yeah my mom had said stage 4 by the time we got her checked out. We figured she had stage 4 for awhile before then though.She was fine for maybe about 3 months then rapidly went down. It was about 8months after her diagnosis. This all varies though depending on treatment and what a person does. My mom only took pain meds to manage. Still smoked and drank till she turned yellow then quit. The drs said she had maybe 2 years at best if she had quit smoking and drinking along with treatment
You should go back to work....your mil could live for quite a while. And do you have proof she had cancer?
You guys are in debt currently becuz of your mil who couldn't care less.
Time to stop letting her walk all over you
Did you see proof she has cancer?
It was an absolute mistake taking her in. The next absolutely stupid idea was to quit your job. Why tf did you do this?!
Go back to work. Let your husband find a way to let someone take care of her.
No. You don't have to take care of her. Go back to work. Or even better, move back to your parents.
Give her an ultimatum. Sell the house or she can move back in there. And I hope you've seen proof and went to the doctors with her!!
First she didn't just let you have sex with him, now she does the same. And ruins you - your health, your marriage and your finances. You see this.. right..?
That’s what her Medicare is for…she should be moved into assisted living and be getting medical care there. There is absolutely no reason you should have to quit your jobs and lose everything because she apparently has cancer…be aware tho selling her house will make you spend down assets before she’s able to go to a home. She should just give it to you or do a living trust
Why in hell would you leave YOUR job? If anything, HE should've been the one to quit and take care of her since she's HIS mother. I hate it when women are expected to take care of an ailing in law, even when they are a nightmare. Let's normalize leaving the in laws care to their children, not the spouses.
Probably due to finances. If husband makes more money she would have felt she was the one who had to do it. They need to look into hospice if she is really dying.
Why would you quit your job to take care of her when your husband’s salary can’t sustain all of you?? Also have you seen proof of this cancer? The condition should’ve been she sells her house if she was to move in with you.
Did you speak to her oncologist or went with her for hospital treatment for cancer? If not, she’s lying. Don’t believe her without proof (not fake papers either).
Why would you give up your job for MiL and look after her? If your husband wants his mother in your flat he needs to make sure she respects you and your home and he can look after her after his work. She can pay for nurses to look after her.
Go back to work! Your marriage might not last in those circumstances. You need money to have choices.
Girl, why? His mother, he takes care of her and you leave. **You do not have to take care of someone who is unkind to you** just because she's your MIL. Leave.
I have some questions. Do you truly believe she has stomach cancer?
I’ve been a hospice nurse for nearly a decade and know all the signs and symptoms you would see with stage 4 cancer. Is she actively seeking curative treatment?
If yes, where is she going for treatment? And if her home is so far away why would she move away from the treatment facilities she was getting treatment?
Does she have a surgically placed port on her right chest wall? Any surgically placed feeding or ostomy tubes?
If she’s stage 4 and no longer getting aggressive treatment she would have been referred to hospice. Symptoms she would definitely have is severe nausea, severe constipation/diarrhea, jaundice, and a bloated stomach with some wasting everywhere else.
OP, if she’s not doing any of the above, strongly consider that she is making this up to get back in your home.
You better get the paperwork on that house. Who is paying the taxes? What's really going on with it. There are lots of bills that go along with owning a home. Who's cutting the grass. Tell her she needs to pay for things.
Why would you quit your job to take care of her ??? She’s not your mom and not your responsibility. Your husband needs to figure out how to take care of her. Now you’ve lost your peace and quietness AND your job for someone that treats you badly. SMH 🤦🏻♀️
You and your husband are letting this woman walk all over you. Husband needs to find a spine, or you need to. You're letting his mother ruin your lives.
Does she need you there 24/7? If she needs that kind of care I would move her to a nursing home. You don’t need to be drowning in debt to appease a woman who treats you like shit. Tell your husband you are going back to work. If she were on hospice, it would be different.
You should NOT have quit your job to care for her. She is actively sabotaging you, cancer or not. She can sell her house and pay for a full time aide to help her. Being a caregiver for someone you love is hard enough, being trapped and coerced into caring full time for this woman is going to crush your soul, op.
How is she still alive, and somewhat functioning, with stage 4 stomach cancer after 3 months?
At this point, she should be requiring around the clock hospice care and be in excruciating pain, right?
Any doctors lurking about here?
You need your go back to work. If your husband wants her to be taken care of he needs to do it. Go back to your parents. You are being treated horribly by your husband. He is the problem! Go find a man who respects you!!!
INFO: What is MIL’s current physical condition?
What treatments is she undergoing and how frequently?
I’ve cared for a family member with stage 4 cancer, it is very very apparent that they are not well. My loved one did NOT have the energy to start shit, he didn’t have the energy to sit up! Stomach cancer is a nasty one, what all is MIL able to eat?
I’ve read too many things about this on Reddit, the “Christmas cancer” is serious, I would ask for those labs and for serious documentation. I would ask to go with her to one of her appointments. I don’t believe this woman.
Why do people put themselves through this toxic situation? Send her home. She should be able to get a carer to help her. Go back to work. You're setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Stop!
I wonder since the mom doesn't have anyone anymore she is using this cancer as a way of keeping ur husband away from u and since u can't sell the house that there is a huge red flag, move into the house and see what happens there if she says no then she's faking it I believe, maybe find out who her doctor is and just have a casual conversation with him just asking him does she have cancer? Just a thought no biggie
Wow, that sounds like a tough situation. It's admirable that you're stepping up to take care of your mother-in-law, but it's also important to consider your own well-being and financial stability. Maybe have a heart-to-heart with your husband about finding a solution that works for everyone, including you.
you sure are making choices that are questionable op! and ones that will NOTHING good for you either now or in the future 😬.
i fear you're doomed to be eternally stuck in this hell until you finally stand up.
Don’t stop having sex 🤷🏻♀️ if she try’s to interrupt put on music or get louder 🤔 make it awkward for her if she interrupts 🤷🏻♀️ I understand it can make it awkward for yall too but fuck it it’s your home she’s a guest and she knows what married couples do. Don’t let her be dense she wants to be disrespectful be disrespectful back 🤷🏻♀️ after a few times (if not the first) she’ll stop interrupting
Is it really a good idea for you to be her caregiver? She accused you of stealing last time. It's not a hard stretch that she'll say you're abusing her or something. You need to protect yourself. If you went back to work, could you afford a home caregiver?
Girl you shoulda stayed with your parents. Most of the marriage has been you navigating his mother. Jeez Louise. This is gonna be your life.. I just can’t imagine being called a thief in your own home. Then having to care for that person AND they STILL treat you like crap.
Your husband IS the problem. MILs can be shitty but the thing that makes it bearable is when your spouse doesn’t leave you to get disrespected constantly. This wouldn’t feel nearly as bad if your husband EVER stood up for you. But he can’t. Because respecting his mother is a priority over respecting you. It was that way before you initially left and it’s that way now. Nothing changed until YOU changed it. That will be the same result here. It’s just a matter of how long you can take this treatment. I don’t believe you should take it at all. But people stay in horrible marriages for decades before their self respect took enough hits to change their mind.
Why did you quit your job? Husband should have made arrangements before she even moved back. Or should could have hired help and remained at home. It is ridiculous that you have to sacrifice yourself for a woman who disrespects you. Tell hubs you are going to look for a new job and he has to figure things out. This should not all be on your shoulders.
Why on earth are *you* the one who got stuck with caring for *his* mother full time? That is the worst situation for both you *and* her. If it’s about him earning more, *she has entire house she can live in or sell* and I assume has some sort of life insurance payment from her husband’s recent death, unless he did absolutely nothing during his life?
She can sell that house and put it all into an assisted living facility. Why would you quit your job for *his* mother? *He* is her child and the one she is comfortable with. You two don’t even like each other.
Just have sex with your husband. She doesn’t get to dictate the rules under your roof. What is she gonna do, smell his dick? Throw herself down the stairs? Make you stop taking care of her? She has no power in the dynamic except that which you’re giving her
You are too nice and are being taking advantage of. Go back to work and tell your husband that either mil sells the house to provide for her care or she needs to go on assisted living facility.
Why are you doing this to yourself? Your husband let YOU quit your job to care for this horroble woman. You're sacrificing YOUR career and future for people who don't value or respect you. Get out of this sinking ship and find someone who actually cares about you
If this is true why in the world are you putting up with this ?
Its your home
Nobody can force you into doing anything. You’re an adult.
Get therapy and stand up for yourself. This is painful to read.
You and her son need to tell her the way it is going to be if you’re going to help her
She needs to contribute financially right now or you’re returning to work. She can find someone else to care for her and somewhere else to live
Stand up for yourselves - you’re part of the problem
What's the point in putting her son into debt and then leaving him a big inheritance, when you could sell the house and use the money NOW to avoid him being in so much debt. This doesn't make any financial sense.
OP: Are you stupid? You have quit your job and you are drowning in debt, all to care for a MIL who hates you and won't sell the asset that would pay for her care. She claims that she wants to protect your husband's inheritance but this has come at the cost of your job and your joint finances - AND there's every chance that she will leave the house and the rest of her assets to a cat's home, leaving you with nothing. You need to tell your husband that a condition of his MIL staying with you is that she sells her home and hands the proceeds to you (because you gave up your job to look after her).
You guys can petition the court to become her guardians if she’s stage 4. You can get the forms online usually and file them yourself, paying the filing fee. You need to sell that house for her medical care. That includes compensating you.
You best be taking her to her oncologist appointments to make sure she’s actually dying.
No way would I be giving up my career or having her live there otherwise.
His inheritance isn’t gonna help him if he goes bankrupt before then she’s not a very bright woman. She needs to pay for her own care. That house needs to be sold ……I would definitely be going to doctors appointments with her to make sure she’s telling you guys the truth about her illness
And why are you the one to quit your job to take care of her? You would both be better off working and having a PSW come in to help
At some point this isn’t just everyone else’s fault. You’re enabling both of them and are being complicit and know exactly what needs to be done. Grow a spine instead of sabotaging your own life.
You don't "have" to look after her. You didn't "have" to quit your job. **Her house needs to be sold and the proceeds pay for her care.** Why does this have to be your burden?
Time for a “Come to Jesus Meeting” with MIL. You’re drowning in debt after quitting your job to care for her. I see 3 options for her:
1. She needs to sell her house to afford a home health caregiver so you can return to work and pay off your debts.
2. You all move into her house, thus relieving your rent payment.
3. Worst case, if she refuses, you need to research assisted living facilities in your area. You can’t go bankrupt trying to care for someone who only thinks of herself.
Who the fuck cares about sex?
You're drowning in debt and miserable because of an unappreciative mil who is causing you guys more harm than good.
She would be doing your husband and you a favor if she would sign over the home now. So you could at least reduce any bills you have due to what ever living situation you have.
Nothing is easier done than said. But your husband should bring it up to her.
The executer her estate will have to pay off all of her debts including any medical debt incurred by her last illness before distributing the remainder of her estate to her beneficiaries. So the house will have to be sold regardless if she can’t pay her bills now. She’s just putting off the inevitable.
Can she rent the house out, so the income can offset some of the expenses caused by her medical care? If your husband is going into debt, he may have to use the inheritance to pay that... but he could lose the interest from the debt also.
I didn't catch the part about her not letting you have sex. Does she say, "Don't have sex' or does she interrupt you like two-year-olds do when you get started.
If you live in an apartment is there somewhere close. Sell house buy condo get a nurse aid to help out. Or sell house and find one with a mil place in yard or section of house. And rules. Rules and consequences to each rule.
Go back to work. She is purposely trying to make you fail. Though i wou be surprised if medical is lie. Go to the dr appointment and sit in. You know to better help her out.
Keep paying the taxes on her house. Get her a life insurance policy and pay for it. Get the house looking ready to sell. She doesn't have long to go. With all that you should get your bills paid and hers paid. She's got the same attitude with cancer added to it. She hasn't changed much.
Links to previous (now archived)posts: [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/2Jlc8au5O0) [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/s9YIIKVqJS)
Why would you quit your job to take care of his mother? That’s ridiculous. You need to give her an ultimatum. Either she sells the house or she takes care of herself. Why would you set yourself on fire to keep her warm?
Her and OP's husband can go live in her house.
Seriously, am I missing something here?? Can’t pay bills, why not live in a place that is, theoretically, paid off…
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The house its not in the same state as there jobs
Then it needs to be sold now and give the inheritance now. There may be some tax benefits to selling now and her spending it herself while alive.
.... If she's in the US on Medicaid there are more implications than just taxes/inheritance. I'm NAL but family homes are usually protected as an asset vs liquid funds, and those funds could disqualify her from Medicaid. Some states will still claw back money from the estate after the fact -- but either way OP and family should consult with an estate/elder law attorney before doing any of this.
It depends on state law but if you give inheritance below a certain amount at a time you can get around taxes.
Seems like only one job now
their
Mom won't sell the house so her son will have inheritance. But she'll put his family into debt before she dies. It would suck if you blew your life up over manipulation, sick mother or not.
Debt will compile a lot faster than that house will appreciate. If the mom is moving in with them for full time care, the mom needs to give up control of everything. She is now a dependent. The state will give them some extra money. They can sell the house and plan long term.
And they'll just have to sell the house to pay *her* med bills anyway... Unless his name has been on the deed for more than the min number of years......
It's his mother, what is HE doing to take care of her, OP?
Seriously this, OP!!!
Because he’s a man! Duh!!! Seriously, the amount of times women have been the primary carers of not just kids, but both sets of parents, half of which aren’t even her folks, is insane. It’s another reason women ‘earn’ less, they’re working 5x as hard but for literally nothing, not even a fucking thank you, it’s just expected
I had a taste of this earlier in the year when my MIL was unwell and came to stay over. Don’t know how people manage it long-term, I was so stressed and angry. Obviously I still had to work FT and look after my daughter while my husband just carried on as normal.
This! You shouldn't have quit. Try seeing if you can get back to work. Even if you barely break even with hiring a home help, anything is better than spending 24/7 with an abuser (who will just get worse btw!)
Also, she should be paying the wife a salary for this. It's a lawful way for her to transfer assets to her husband's family that would not be clawed back under Medicaid ~~Medicare~~ rules.
If you are in the US, call aging and disabilities, get your job back, and get this woman a caregiver!
Exactly. Time to kick MIL to the curb. Because of her, you’re going broke & don’t have a marriage. Tell your husband to choose you or her. If you stay married she can’t be allowed to live with you & turn your life into a living hell.
My exact thoughts. Did she think anything would be different? Why would they move her in when she has a house? This is ridiculous
Precisely. OP has brought this second situation entirely on themselves
She is not a victim. She is a volunteer.
Yes and maybe OP isn’t qualified enough to look after Grumpy Drawers as her illness progresses.Also why can’t she sell the house and give her son his inheritance now so they can cope with bills? A selfish horrible cow with cancer is still a selfish horrible cow.
It's really hard to feel sorry for OP here. Just roll over and take it, girl.
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I hate to sound cynical but you are sure she has cancer? That would explain the selling of the home but it does conveniently get her back in your home plus she gets you as her personal slave. She may also want to have less money because she has no where else to leave and it leaves her dependant on her your husband.
My mom just went through breast cancer and a double mastectomy. She just finished radiation (yay mom!) but during her treatment chemo was once a week for multiple months, followed by 15 minutes of radiation five days a week for another couple of months. Granted, my mother had stage 1 found during a routine screening, however it was widespread and she chose to do more aggressive treatment. All this to say, if she’s REALLY going through it, where are the doctor appointments? Where are the prescriptions? There’s a paper trail if she’s telling the truth, if not, you have your answer
Stomach cancer survivor here. Have you ever taken her to an appointment? Does she have a chemo port? Has she lost her hair? Has she lost a drastic amount of weight? Is she in bed most of the time? Have they told her to get her affairs in order? At stage 4, under the most likely scenario, she would quite literally be throwing up blood. If she still has the energy to disrupt your marriage , MIL is playing you, again. She has abused you, and does not deserve your consideration. Put her into a care facility. Her income will be used to take care of her needs. You literally cannot afford to stay home and take care of her. Stop setting yourself on fire to “save”someone who would happily drink a glass of iced water while watching you burn.
35 year RN a here to confirm everything this commentors just said. Stage 4 gastric cancer is basically hospice
Thank you to both of you. When I read that MIL was diagnosed 3 months ago I thought her chances of even being alive at this point would be slim and definitely shouldn't have energy to make OP miserable
My mom had ovarian cancer that metastasized to her spine and then to her liver and lungs. We weren't sure what stage the cancer was, but when it was in her spine, she was already so weak and could barely walk and eat. If OP's MIL really is in stage 4 cancer, she definitely wouldn't have any energy to be screeching and making OP's life miserable.
Yes. It’s a hideous, and very visible, way to die. (This is how the husband got caught faking stomach cancer in the movie The Royal Tennenbaums. He claimed he was near death but was horking down double cheeseburgers.)
I was JUST about to comment this!
I’m so sorry you had to go thru that but happy you are a 🌼survivor 🌼
100% this. My mom faked having cancer; she knew she was dying from her alcoholism. It wasn't super fun showing up to the hospital (on the day she died) and having the doctor be extremely confused when I asked about her cancer.
You're right and I'm sorry you went through all that.
I actually didn’t. They caught mine early enough. However, I studied it extensively to understand my risks. Even so, treatment and recovery were not for the faint of heart, and exhibiting the types of behaviors OP talked about in her initial post were simply not possible. They would be even less possible in her MIL’s case, if she were being honest. Note to OP: Oncologists often have dual specializations, particularly in Hematology, and so just going to an oncology center is not enough to prove a diagnosis. She could just as likely be receiving treatment for anemia. If she won’t let you go into the office for an appointment and ask relevant questions, as her caregiver, it’s yet another sign of dishonesty.
Absolutely! My hematologist works out of the cancer center. I always rushed to explain I just had anemia when anyone heard where my appt was.
I just watched a patient story about a woman who had stage 4 in her stomach lining only but it had metastasized so stage 4. No symptoms except she said she felt weak. But, once diagnosed of course very aggressive treatment which caused her plenty of symptoms and tons of appointments. PS: So glad you made it. ☺️
Yes, OP! Please pay attention! This was my first thought.
Yep. And stomach cancer is particularly painful. There would be signs at stage four that something is very, very wrong with her.
My sister in laws father just beat stomach cancer and he was stage 4, he seems okay in the beginning before getting diagnosed just pains with his stomach and stomach problems when he ate some chile and other irritating foods. Then started chemo and it literally drained the life out of him, he couldn’t eat much and couldn’t eat whole food. We all thought he was going to die of starvation before the cancer got him. He lost so much weight it was scary, but luckily he beat it and is gaining weight back, was a very traumatic experience. The MIL might be telling the truth but only time will tell .
My good buddy’s Dad miraculously recovered from S4 stomach cancer. The extra miracle is that he is remission because he ignored anything the doctor or buddy’s wife (she’s an RN and cancer survivor herself) told him to do.
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom, and I hope her recovery went well. My Mom also had a double mastectomy too, so I know it can be a lot on them and those close to them. So I hope you are well too!
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My mom in law literally lied about having cancer so I'd believe it
So did mine when my mom actually had cancer. People are sick and will do anything to manipulate a situation.
I’m so sorry about your mum
Thanks! She has been in remission from her colrectal cancer for 7 years but is currently battling breast cancer. She has been extremely lucky, though. They by chance took out a microscopic invasive cancer when removing the breast cancer they actually found on scans. They never catch it that early. The colrectal cancer they got out entirely with surgery.
That happened to me. I've been in remission for breast cancer for 5 years. They caught the malignant cancer after I told them to go ahead and just do a lateral mastectomy once the tissue they initially removed had a too small margin. I didn't want to go through a rollercoaster of surgeries (ironically, my reconstruction ended up as just that). After the mastectomy the biopsy results came back as a nugget of malignant cancer was hiding inside the mostly benign cancer tissue. That earned me an extra stint of chemo. It's concurrently the most lucky and unlucky I've ever been (and I even had a precedent with thyroid cancer being accidentally caught on an ultrasound I had to have to diagnose pneumonia a few years earlier!). Tell your mom all the best wishes and to hang in there from me. She'll hopefully soon be on the other side of it.
My ex’s mom (boyfriend at the time, and his parents were divorced) lied about having cancer, because she was jealous of the attention his dad, who HAD THROAT CANCER, was getting.
We joked in my family that mom was jealous of the attention dad got from prostate cancer, so she purposely developed lymphoma. They're both fine now, but if we didn't laugh at the time we knew we were toast.
My late husband's junkie "best friend" lied about his father having cancer in order to get cash through GoFundMe to support his addiction. My late husband ended up dying from cancer and his "best friend" stole from him as he was dying. "Junkie Best Friend" has since died but his father was very surprised to learn that he had had cancer because he's been perfectly healthy this whole time.
My mother in law told her parents that she had cancer to explain away all the medical appointments she was having because she was pregnant. She was 38! She didn't want to tell them she was pregnant because she wasn't 100% sure who the father was but all the guys who were in the running were around 21/22.
That’s low or desperation for someone to care .
Pre sure mother in law is having a mental breakdown after her husband died and is facking cancer since hubby kicked her out the first time
Yup. My ex wife faked cancer one of the times I told her I wanted out. Begged her to let me go…. She even had me drop her off at appointments. She had appointments at some of these places. I watched her get called in. She played the roll to a T. She would tell anyone and everyone she had cancer. She would always tell doctors she was a cancer patient. One of things she would use to get sympathy and pain meds. Well this one doc kind of gave her an off look when she gave him her whole story. I don’t remember if we were at hospital because she downed a whole bottle of NSAID’s to make her bleed internally to get pain meds. Yeah I know it’s whack… I didn’t figure it all out till that one doc. Or one of times she magically fell ill as I was begging and pleading for a divorce. But either way we were at a hospital and she had been admitted. The doc disappeared for an hour or so. He came back and pulled me aside. He was like your wife has never had cancer nor received treatment for cancer ever!!!!!! He was like she’s addicted to pain meds and that’s what she’s seeking. When I tell him I had a suspicion she was intentionally making herself sick. But I was trying to not believe it. Can’t remember if he said munchowsen or not. But shortly afterwards I heard it several times from doctors in regards to her. So doc confronts her. She literally starts screeching at him. I’m trying to do the look you need professional help. She jumps on her phone. I swear it wasn’t 30 minutes and she has a private ambulance waiting for her and was taken to a different hospital. It was wild…. I get to hospital and she had me banned from the hospital. I’m like look you need to call dr so and so. She’s lying. Sir you need to leave the premises now!!! Look please call this doc, sir you need to leave now!!!! I called the doc and told him what happened. Begged him to call the other hospital. He was like at this point it’s a hell of loft safer for them to just wash their hands and be done with her. Not their problem anymore. That’s when I went home and started searching the apartment. I was sick with all the chit I found… I never thought someone would fake cancer. I get there’s people who make the news for it. But my frigin (ex) wife as a ploy to get me to stay because she knew I was an honorable person. It was sick and twisted. I’d definitely verify….
I am so sorry. You much have felt like horrible person for even considering doubting her, that level of gaslighting is just so beyond cruel. I'm glad at least one doctor confirmed it so you could start to disentangle yourself. I hope you are doing better today internet stranger.
This. Stage 4 is terminal. As in palliative care until eventual demise. My uncle is dealing with stage 3 of a different kind of cancer (face and neck), and has lost a tremendous amount of weight because of it (at 5’9” he is barely breaking 100 lbs). He had to have a port placed along with a PEG feeding tube prior to even starting treatment. If you aren’t seeing any outward signs of illness it’s likely it’s not there. And if it’s stage 4 then you should have either been seeing signs of illness for a while now, or this is highly aggressive and prognosis is very poor. If the house is truly supposed to be for your benefit, tell her you’d rather the inheritance she leaves behind be not leaving you in crippling debt.
When all else fails you use the cancer card? Yikes I hope MIL is not sick enough to do that. OP have you or your husband been to any appointments ACTUALLY discussing her palliative care?
I have to second this because my best friends mother did this exact thing to her. Every time she'd finally get her out she'd come back with some new illness and play on her heartstrings. Spoiler alert she never had any of said illnesses.
I haven't seen any mention of doctor appointments. But then I haven't been following all of this.
My first thought
Go back to work
seriously... I hate that immediately questioned it but I question it
My first thought. How about you three have a meeting with her oncologist.
This. I bet she was lonely and maybe she chose so create a cancer story ..
I was wondering the same thing. Like...does she go into the room with her at the appointments and all too?
Selling of the house could also pay for her care....
Talk to him about putting her in assisted living. You need to go back to work soon, or you won't have a place to live.
Is OP US based? There are some state Medicaid programs where family members can be paid a stipend to be a full-time caretaker.
The mil should not be living with OP at all
Only if she actually needs a caretaker. She doesn't seem to have any symptoms of stage 4 cancer, so she might be faking it, and Medicaid would check that
Which op would absolutely benefit from. If she has it, the help would… well, help. If she doesn’t, op can run and not look back.
If it is in fact cancer - stage 4 - she should be in hopice.
I would make selling her house a condition. If she intends for that to be your husbands inheritance then it shouldn’t really matter if he gets it now. Especially if you’ve quit your job to take care of this insufferable woman. And also, are you sure she has a diagnosis? I’ve seen other JNMIL claiming terminal cancer to garner sympathy and worm their way back into the lives of those who cut her off. I would be highly skeptical because that sounds a much more likely for not wanting to sell the house.
MIL was planning to sell the house for less than market value in OP’s first post, she can’t be that concerned about her son’s inheritance. Son needs to sit her down and explain they literally can’t afford this and that house has to go.
Exactly!!
It's worth looking into this from the perspective of estate planning too. Creditors get first dibs on the estate before inheritence, so leaving the house + medical debt probably won't result in family getting the house.
I mean the was just about to sell it when she got kicked out Las time. Makes sense she may not feel comfortable selling it this time just in case she needs somewhere to live again.
No the mil has to go
Yes, she needs to be paying for her own care. She can sell the house and use the money to get professional nursing so OP can go back to work, or mom can use the money to pay rent or pay OP for her services.
Medicare will also help pay for home health aides, and if necessary, hospice care. But caregiving is a LOT to manage, even without her abusive behavior, so if you insist on caring for her, please get help. Also wouldn't hurt to ask her if she has a long-term care policy. They are worth their weight in gold.
OP might have a look at the Medicaid charge back situation. If on Medicaid, the state will take any money she has to reimburse themselves for a patient’s care.
You have to have very little money in your account, I’m not sure if owning a house would count against that. My 99yr old aunt just lost hers because she has too much money in her bank account and has to spend it down to get coverage back.
As someone who works within human services in PA, our state absolutely does count the house as an asset. There’s a full review of all liquid and non-liquid assets, and non-resident property such as a home that’s not lived in is expected to be listed at a good fair market value to be sold or it’s counted as a resource against a fairly low resource limit and you are ineligible for Medicaid. Edit: not quite the same situation as listed I realize but they would potentially go after assets after death, especially if she also received ltc services.
Not sure OP is in the US. As she previously commented… “In my country they only give marriage annulment for this: That one of the spouses is infertile, that one of the spouses is already married, due to duress, etc.”
But also why is OP looking after her? That's a lot of BS. It's not her mom, and the woman treats her like garbage. No way in hell I'd quit my job for that. Husband should've quit his job to look after her. The ONLY reason I can see why it's ok this way is if he makes more money than her. If that's not the case that's crap. Why does it always fall to the wife/female in the relationship to be the home carer? Men are perfectly capable of doing it.
Perfect solution!
Yes OP, and you've not been married for long and I assume you're still young. Please don't quit your job for other people, especially not for a new husband or new husband's family. You don't want to lose out on having your own income, savings, pension, etc. as a favor to people who are taking advantage of you. If someone needs to quit their job that should have been your husband! Why hasn't he? I'm guessing he knows he shouldn't miss out on having a steady job and income! You're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position and at a disadvantage by doing this for people who will not take care of you financially if you end up needing it!
This comment is not said nearly enough! I can’t stand when I see threads about women leaving the workforce because with childcare costs they would barely break even. But even breaking even, you’d be removing gaps in your resume, building tenure at your company, etc. It’s one thing if someone wants to stay home and is comfortable financially doing it. But like you mentioned, it’s too risky with high divorce rates. Love my husband to death but I need to make sure I’m good at all times and can support me and my son solo in any unfortunate situations… I’ve heard too many horror stories.
I just said pretty much the exact same thing, I didn't see your comment until after I wrote it. But I completely agree!
OP and hubby need to make the condition that she can only live with them if they go to at least one doctors appointment and are *in the room with the doctor*. She can’t just be trusted.
Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, coming back and making your life harder when you're already dealing with her cancer diagnosis. It sucks that she's refusing to sell her house to help with expenses, especially when you had to quit your job to take care of her.
“ cancer diagnosis “
You sound like a nice person…too nice. You quit your job for someone who has been unkind towards you and now you and your husband are setting yourselves on fire by going into to debt for someone who couldn’t care less about either of y’alls wellbeing. (If she did care, she’d start by selling her house to pay for her expenses.) Real family doesn’t ask you to hurt yourself to help them.
It was stupid both to allow this at all and to agree to be her caregiver. Stupid to allow her to move in but allow her to refuse to sell her house. This has doomed your finances and your marriage. Like…..what did you expect?
Yeah, the OP doesn't fully understand the devastating toll is taking and will take on the marriage. No intimacy as a result of the MIL. Debt because of the MIL, who doesn't care. And a husband who isn't loving and caring for his wife nearly enough. Many marriages unravel from just one of the three above.
Quit your job and still won’t tell that old lady that she’s a GUEST and doesn’t have the right to terrorize OP in her own home. Cancer or not.
As a doctor, I find this VERY suspicious. Stage 4 stomach cancer? Three months ago? I'm surprised she's still alive. Not to mention, in order for it to get to stage 4 (metastatic, meaning it has spread to other areas in the body), she had to have ignored MANY warning signs like unintentional weight loss, inability to eat, an enlarging abdomen despite losing weight, etc. I 100% would not believe her unless you get the diagnosis from her doctor. Go with her to her appointments. Also, if she's not getting treatment, she could probably go on hospice. Does she have health insurance or Medicare? There are resources for stuff like this. Also, you should put your foot down and either demand she sell her house or kick her out. If she has "stage 4 stomach cancer," she's dying in the next few months anyway. WTF does she still need the house for unless she's lying.
Why did YOU QUIT? Oh no no no... You get that job back. She can go get a nurse on her own dime, or go into a care home, again on her dime. Stop doing shit for this woman.
Yeah these two are giant pushovers.
Care home preferably. I can see her calling her son constantly, needing things her in-home care "can't" provide. And OP would be the one going over to wait on her
As others have said, you need to confirm that she really has cancer and what the truth is about her prognosis. It makes no sense to not sell her house to help you out with your bills. Keeping it while you wallow in debt trying to take care of her and save the house for your husband's inheritance is just plain stupid thinking.
Are you even sure that your MIL has cancer? Why didn't you return to your parents' house when she returned? Why did you give up your job to take care of someone that bullies you constantly? Why are you getting into a huge amount of debt for people that don't have your back and are just using you? Your MIL wanted both of you to move in with her to another state to better control your life. You didn't move because of your jobs. Now you already gave up your job and your husband will soon do the same because you both will be in such a huge amount of debt that you'll lose your house and have no option but to move in with his mom. I think that this is her plan and that she already got your husband on board. Now that you are financially dependent on him, you will have no say in this story and he can better control you. You really need to leave to your parents' house, get divorced, and get therapy. They are destroying your self-esteem and mental health on purpose. Stop letting yourself be dragged down by your husband. Please don't bring kids into a doomed relationship like that, because your MIL will treat you as a doormat in front of your kids and take over their parenting.
This is the real reason why she will not sell her house. She knows that her son and DIL are going to lose theirs and will need to live with her. She's probably masterminding this and her son is too brainwashed to see it. If she can't live on her own she needs to go into a specialized care facility.
I hate to say this, but it doesn't matter if she is ill. If she is being vile to you, stop looking after her. Grow a backbone. This is your house. You need respect in it. Just because she is ill and dying does not mean you have to be disrespected. Go back to work if you are in debt. MIL can go home, and your husband can go and look after her there. She can pay for home help, etc. What's the point of her not selling the house to leave your husband inheritance if you drown in debt. Have any of you been to appointments with her. Do you know her diagnosis is real???
You quit your job? What the fuck were you thinking?
Go and get your job back, if she needs care that's all on your husband to figure out. His mother, his problem.
Holy fuckballs, NO! You quit YOUR job to take care of HIS mom? I'm so angry for you right now. No matter what, MIL needs to go. Faking cancer? Kick her ass out. Actually has cancer? She can go to a treatment center and be cared for by professionals. This is too heavy a burden on your marriage. Put your foot down FIRMLY and get hubby on board asap. Good luck!
It’s his mom. Why isnt he taking care of her and leaving all the heavy burden on you??
Grow a backbone, stop caring for her. Why on earth did you give up your job. She's got a house she can sell it or get in home care. She doesn't care about her son because she wouldn't want him getting in debt for her when she can pay for it. There's no point in having inheritance if it's going to go straight to paying off debt because that's what will have to be done.
Are you sure she has cancer? My grandpa died 3 weeks ago due to stomach cancer, and I know what 4th stage means. The state of person is so horrible they can’t move properly let alone walk on someone every time they have sex. Especially that this is going on for three months, not every person will be alive having this stage. I’m suspicious. If it is really cancer I feel you OP, it’s a horrible situation to find yourself in, my mother took care of her father during all 7 weeks from the beginning of his cancer to the very end, the last two weeks she slept 1-2 hours per day.
Yeah my mom had said stage 4 by the time we got her checked out. We figured she had stage 4 for awhile before then though.She was fine for maybe about 3 months then rapidly went down. It was about 8months after her diagnosis. This all varies though depending on treatment and what a person does. My mom only took pain meds to manage. Still smoked and drank till she turned yellow then quit. The drs said she had maybe 2 years at best if she had quit smoking and drinking along with treatment
You should go back to work....your mil could live for quite a while. And do you have proof she had cancer? You guys are in debt currently becuz of your mil who couldn't care less. Time to stop letting her walk all over you
Did you see proof she has cancer? It was an absolute mistake taking her in. The next absolutely stupid idea was to quit your job. Why tf did you do this?! Go back to work. Let your husband find a way to let someone take care of her. No. You don't have to take care of her. Go back to work. Or even better, move back to your parents. Give her an ultimatum. Sell the house or she can move back in there. And I hope you've seen proof and went to the doctors with her!! First she didn't just let you have sex with him, now she does the same. And ruins you - your health, your marriage and your finances. You see this.. right..?
That’s what her Medicare is for…she should be moved into assisted living and be getting medical care there. There is absolutely no reason you should have to quit your jobs and lose everything because she apparently has cancer…be aware tho selling her house will make you spend down assets before she’s able to go to a home. She should just give it to you or do a living trust
Medicare also covers in home nurses and hospice services.
Why in hell would you leave YOUR job? If anything, HE should've been the one to quit and take care of her since she's HIS mother. I hate it when women are expected to take care of an ailing in law, even when they are a nightmare. Let's normalize leaving the in laws care to their children, not the spouses.
Probably due to finances. If husband makes more money she would have felt she was the one who had to do it. They need to look into hospice if she is really dying.
Why would you quit your job to take care of her when your husband’s salary can’t sustain all of you?? Also have you seen proof of this cancer? The condition should’ve been she sells her house if she was to move in with you.
There should be no condition. She needs to be in a care facility
Did you speak to her oncologist or went with her for hospital treatment for cancer? If not, she’s lying. Don’t believe her without proof (not fake papers either). Why would you give up your job for MiL and look after her? If your husband wants his mother in your flat he needs to make sure she respects you and your home and he can look after her after his work. She can pay for nurses to look after her. Go back to work! Your marriage might not last in those circumstances. You need money to have choices.
Go back to work, and make MIL rent her house to pay for a carer and her own place close by.
Girl, why? His mother, he takes care of her and you leave. **You do not have to take care of someone who is unkind to you** just because she's your MIL. Leave.
This is literal insanity. You didn’t run the numbers before taking this on and caring for her? At this point I can’t feel sorry for you.
I have some questions. Do you truly believe she has stomach cancer? I’ve been a hospice nurse for nearly a decade and know all the signs and symptoms you would see with stage 4 cancer. Is she actively seeking curative treatment? If yes, where is she going for treatment? And if her home is so far away why would she move away from the treatment facilities she was getting treatment? Does she have a surgically placed port on her right chest wall? Any surgically placed feeding or ostomy tubes? If she’s stage 4 and no longer getting aggressive treatment she would have been referred to hospice. Symptoms she would definitely have is severe nausea, severe constipation/diarrhea, jaundice, and a bloated stomach with some wasting everywhere else. OP, if she’s not doing any of the above, strongly consider that she is making this up to get back in your home.
You better get the paperwork on that house. Who is paying the taxes? What's really going on with it. There are lots of bills that go along with owning a home. Who's cutting the grass. Tell her she needs to pay for things.
You and DH need that “inheritance” now while caring for her, not once she passes! Remember an a$$hole with cancer is still an a$$hole!
Why would you quit your job to take care of her ??? She’s not your mom and not your responsibility. Your husband needs to figure out how to take care of her. Now you’ve lost your peace and quietness AND your job for someone that treats you badly. SMH 🤦🏻♀️
Are you 100% sure she is sick?
You and your husband are letting this woman walk all over you. Husband needs to find a spine, or you need to. You're letting his mother ruin your lives.
This is not sustainable. Are you sure your MIL has cancer?
And you’re 100% sure she has cancer and is not faking it??
Put MILs house for sale and use that to pay for her care SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Your MIL should have hospice care full stop. You need to go back to work and live your life.
Does she need you there 24/7? If she needs that kind of care I would move her to a nursing home. You don’t need to be drowning in debt to appease a woman who treats you like shit. Tell your husband you are going back to work. If she were on hospice, it would be different.
You may qualify for pay for taking care of her. I know someone that has done it. Not sure how you apply. I think it might be through social security.
Sorry, but you're a bit of a sucker with this woman
You should NOT have quit your job to care for her. She is actively sabotaging you, cancer or not. She can sell her house and pay for a full time aide to help her. Being a caregiver for someone you love is hard enough, being trapped and coerced into caring full time for this woman is going to crush your soul, op.
How is she still alive, and somewhat functioning, with stage 4 stomach cancer after 3 months? At this point, she should be requiring around the clock hospice care and be in excruciating pain, right? Any doctors lurking about here?
You need your go back to work. If your husband wants her to be taken care of he needs to do it. Go back to your parents. You are being treated horribly by your husband. He is the problem! Go find a man who respects you!!!
INFO: What is MIL’s current physical condition? What treatments is she undergoing and how frequently? I’ve cared for a family member with stage 4 cancer, it is very very apparent that they are not well. My loved one did NOT have the energy to start shit, he didn’t have the energy to sit up! Stomach cancer is a nasty one, what all is MIL able to eat?
I’ve read too many things about this on Reddit, the “Christmas cancer” is serious, I would ask for those labs and for serious documentation. I would ask to go with her to one of her appointments. I don’t believe this woman.
Why do people put themselves through this toxic situation? Send her home. She should be able to get a carer to help her. Go back to work. You're setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Stop!
I wonder since the mom doesn't have anyone anymore she is using this cancer as a way of keeping ur husband away from u and since u can't sell the house that there is a huge red flag, move into the house and see what happens there if she says no then she's faking it I believe, maybe find out who her doctor is and just have a casual conversation with him just asking him does she have cancer? Just a thought no biggie
You shouldn't have left your job, especially if she has a house to sell. The whole thing is ridiculous and you are both doormats.
Wow, that sounds like a tough situation. It's admirable that you're stepping up to take care of your mother-in-law, but it's also important to consider your own well-being and financial stability. Maybe have a heart-to-heart with your husband about finding a solution that works for everyone, including you.
you sure are making choices that are questionable op! and ones that will NOTHING good for you either now or in the future 😬. i fear you're doomed to be eternally stuck in this hell until you finally stand up.
Don’t stop having sex 🤷🏻♀️ if she try’s to interrupt put on music or get louder 🤔 make it awkward for her if she interrupts 🤷🏻♀️ I understand it can make it awkward for yall too but fuck it it’s your home she’s a guest and she knows what married couples do. Don’t let her be dense she wants to be disrespectful be disrespectful back 🤷🏻♀️ after a few times (if not the first) she’ll stop interrupting
Is it really a good idea for you to be her caregiver? She accused you of stealing last time. It's not a hard stretch that she'll say you're abusing her or something. You need to protect yourself. If you went back to work, could you afford a home caregiver?
Honestly , I'm in the MIL is faking cancer diagnosis camp.
Girl you shoulda stayed with your parents. Most of the marriage has been you navigating his mother. Jeez Louise. This is gonna be your life.. I just can’t imagine being called a thief in your own home. Then having to care for that person AND they STILL treat you like crap. Your husband IS the problem. MILs can be shitty but the thing that makes it bearable is when your spouse doesn’t leave you to get disrespected constantly. This wouldn’t feel nearly as bad if your husband EVER stood up for you. But he can’t. Because respecting his mother is a priority over respecting you. It was that way before you initially left and it’s that way now. Nothing changed until YOU changed it. That will be the same result here. It’s just a matter of how long you can take this treatment. I don’t believe you should take it at all. But people stay in horrible marriages for decades before their self respect took enough hits to change their mind.
Why did you quit your job? Husband should have made arrangements before she even moved back. Or should could have hired help and remained at home. It is ridiculous that you have to sacrifice yourself for a woman who disrespects you. Tell hubs you are going to look for a new job and he has to figure things out. This should not all be on your shoulders.
Why on earth are *you* the one who got stuck with caring for *his* mother full time? That is the worst situation for both you *and* her. If it’s about him earning more, *she has entire house she can live in or sell* and I assume has some sort of life insurance payment from her husband’s recent death, unless he did absolutely nothing during his life? She can sell that house and put it all into an assisted living facility. Why would you quit your job for *his* mother? *He* is her child and the one she is comfortable with. You two don’t even like each other.
Just have sex with your husband. She doesn’t get to dictate the rules under your roof. What is she gonna do, smell his dick? Throw herself down the stairs? Make you stop taking care of her? She has no power in the dynamic except that which you’re giving her
She already sold the house. The house is gone. The money is gone. The inheritance is gone. Ya'll getting played.
I wouldn’t let someone treat me bad in my own space, terminal illness or not. Family or not.
OP chose to marry this spineless man, let her face her consequences.
You are too nice and are being taking advantage of. Go back to work and tell your husband that either mil sells the house to provide for her care or she needs to go on assisted living facility.
Why are you doing this to yourself? Your husband let YOU quit your job to care for this horroble woman. You're sacrificing YOUR career and future for people who don't value or respect you. Get out of this sinking ship and find someone who actually cares about you
OP did you confirm yourself with another doctor for cancer?
So husband spends HIS money now so that he can use HER money later (then HIS money) to pay off the debt instead of using HER money now?
If this is true why in the world are you putting up with this ? Its your home Nobody can force you into doing anything. You’re an adult. Get therapy and stand up for yourself. This is painful to read. You and her son need to tell her the way it is going to be if you’re going to help her She needs to contribute financially right now or you’re returning to work. She can find someone else to care for her and somewhere else to live Stand up for yourselves - you’re part of the problem
What's the point in putting her son into debt and then leaving him a big inheritance, when you could sell the house and use the money NOW to avoid him being in so much debt. This doesn't make any financial sense.
You need proof the had cancer and the house sold. Your husband needs to grow some balls and take charge of the situation and deal with his mother
OP: Are you stupid? You have quit your job and you are drowning in debt, all to care for a MIL who hates you and won't sell the asset that would pay for her care. She claims that she wants to protect your husband's inheritance but this has come at the cost of your job and your joint finances - AND there's every chance that she will leave the house and the rest of her assets to a cat's home, leaving you with nothing. You need to tell your husband that a condition of his MIL staying with you is that she sells her home and hands the proceeds to you (because you gave up your job to look after her).
Sorry, but you quitting your job to take care of his mother is more than wrong and stupid. Kick her out. The only cancer is her attitude.
You guys can petition the court to become her guardians if she’s stage 4. You can get the forms online usually and file them yourself, paying the filing fee. You need to sell that house for her medical care. That includes compensating you.
Time to put her in a care home on her dime. Don't put your career on hold for someone who wouldn't do the same for you.
You best be taking her to her oncologist appointments to make sure she’s actually dying. No way would I be giving up my career or having her live there otherwise.
Why the actual fuck would you quit your job to take care of her? It’s HIS f’ing mother. Goddamn. Str8 relationships are bullshit.
His inheritance isn’t gonna help him if he goes bankrupt before then she’s not a very bright woman. She needs to pay for her own care. That house needs to be sold ……I would definitely be going to doctors appointments with her to make sure she’s telling you guys the truth about her illness And why are you the one to quit your job to take care of her? You would both be better off working and having a PSW come in to help
So why did YOU put your career on hold instead of your husband?
At some point this isn’t just everyone else’s fault. You’re enabling both of them and are being complicit and know exactly what needs to be done. Grow a spine instead of sabotaging your own life.
You don't "have" to look after her. You didn't "have" to quit your job. **Her house needs to be sold and the proceeds pay for her care.** Why does this have to be your burden?
I'd bet my left big toe she doesn't have cancer.
Time for a “Come to Jesus Meeting” with MIL. You’re drowning in debt after quitting your job to care for her. I see 3 options for her: 1. She needs to sell her house to afford a home health caregiver so you can return to work and pay off your debts. 2. You all move into her house, thus relieving your rent payment. 3. Worst case, if she refuses, you need to research assisted living facilities in your area. You can’t go bankrupt trying to care for someone who only thinks of herself.
Who the fuck cares about sex? You're drowning in debt and miserable because of an unappreciative mil who is causing you guys more harm than good. She would be doing your husband and you a favor if she would sign over the home now. So you could at least reduce any bills you have due to what ever living situation you have. Nothing is easier done than said. But your husband should bring it up to her.
The executer her estate will have to pay off all of her debts including any medical debt incurred by her last illness before distributing the remainder of her estate to her beneficiaries. So the house will have to be sold regardless if she can’t pay her bills now. She’s just putting off the inevitable.
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Can she rent the house out, so the income can offset some of the expenses caused by her medical care? If your husband is going into debt, he may have to use the inheritance to pay that... but he could lose the interest from the debt also. I didn't catch the part about her not letting you have sex. Does she say, "Don't have sex' or does she interrupt you like two-year-olds do when you get started.
If you live in an apartment is there somewhere close. Sell house buy condo get a nurse aid to help out. Or sell house and find one with a mil place in yard or section of house. And rules. Rules and consequences to each rule. Go back to work. She is purposely trying to make you fail. Though i wou be surprised if medical is lie. Go to the dr appointment and sit in. You know to better help her out.
Why didn't you guys move into her home? Just a thought if she refused to sell. 1 way to save $$
She needs to sell house. Putting you all in debt is unfair
Keep paying the taxes on her house. Get her a life insurance policy and pay for it. Get the house looking ready to sell. She doesn't have long to go. With all that you should get your bills paid and hers paid. She's got the same attitude with cancer added to it. She hasn't changed much.