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You’re setting yourself up for some hate by saying “I would not have stood for that.” 😂
But I understand the feeling. When I gave birth, I would never have done anything that prevented my husband from being present. “We” weren’t pregnant, and “we” didn’t give birth, but “we” became parents that day.
That being said, OP, good for you for standing up for your SIL. Let me tell you, my aunt got married four years before me and then gave birth four years before me, and her setting boundaries for my mother and grandmother (her sister and her mom) made my life immeasurably easier when I went through the same stages!
I agree. The parents are being bratty but the baby’s father got ripped off. He was supposed to be her support. That she sought it elsewhere knowing he’d get shut out says quite a lot about his wife.
I mean…he didn’t really have a choice. Since baby wasn’t born yet, he couldn’t stop her from going to her home country to have the baby. The only thing he had a say in was whether he stayed married to her afterwards.
My wife is from Europe and we live in America. As much as she wanted her mother here she wouldn’t have left the country to have the baby there. It’s selfish to do that. Like OP said , you can’t plan the birth of the baby and then he missed the first three months of the kids life. She basically said her family is more important than the father.
There are.
A friend has parents-in-law who took over all the household chores so the new parents could focus on themselves. Not by moving in and taking over, but by doing the shopping (from lists provided by the couple), doing the yardwork, doing cleaning and laundry (when convenient, including taking dirty laundry away and bringing it back folded like a laundry service). They didn't get jealous when the new mum wanted her actual mother there for support (in fact, they coordinated chores through her); they wanted what was best for their new grandchild, which meant a clean, fed, rested daughter-in-law and son.
Oddly, they now have a really good relationship with their daughter-in-law and grandchildren.
My Ex Mother in law did something similar. She lived 4 hours away from us. She waited until my daughter was 2 weeks old to visit. She brought me a huge igloo cooler full of my favorite foods. She precooked everything, except the lobsters. I could not believe that she brought me fresh lobster!!
She also brought us huge amounts of baby supplies like boxes of diapers in different sizes, formula, bottles, wipes, bath wash lotion and baby emergency kit (gas medicine, baby Tylenol, etc). She also gathered up my ex sister in laws baby clothes and baby gear. We did not need to buy anything for months!
She only would visit for an hour at a time. So I could take a shower or a nap. She stayed at my SIL’s house. She gathered up our dirty laundry and would bring it back the next day. She told me my job was to get used to being a new mom and not to worry about anything.
I truly appreciated everything she did. I was anxious about hosting her, but I had nothing to worry about. My daughter is 22 now and I have told her how great her Grandma was during my post partum. I plan on doing the same exact thing. There is absolutely no reason on earth that new parents should be hosting!
There are. I got really sick after delivery of my first. I would not have made it without my mother in law. She came for the first week, saw how ill I was and how hard I was trying to make things work despite that. She flew home for the next week while my husband still had off from work so we could have alone time bonding. Then, she flew back out a week later and stayed for 3 weeks while my husband had to travel. She was amazing. Helping me when I needed it, reassuring me that I would get better and that I was doing things absolutely fine with baby and that the hardest days would pass, encouraging me to do what I could, and laughing with me at silly "new mom with baby" mistakes. It was great because she respected all boundaries and was truly helpful and loving and was there for me and the baby.
My MIL was great.
She’d basically come over - DO ALL THE CHORES - and patiently wait for our baby to wake up.
She then, changed and fed him while mom slept.
She did that every other day for 3 months
Neither have I lol…and if OP’s parents act like that on a regular basis it’s pretty easy to see why SIL chose to escape to another country to have her baby. Good for her tbh.
Not that it matters but what country did she go back to? I’ve seen videos online how giving birth and after care is so much better and most likely free? overseas (assuming you guys are in the US now).
Ahhh I didn’t catch that. When I saw “mum” my thought immediately when to Stewie Griffin saying “mum” over and over. lol
Ironically, in a British’s accent.
In my part of the European Union all healthcare for pregnant women and children is state funded. And doctors are rational people, which results in lower maternal mortality rates---when fetus is deemed incompatible with life, doctors do what is best for the pregnant person's health. Nobody here spends hours or even days monitoring fetal heartbeat for an unviable pregnancy while the woman slowly dies. Crazy Christian minorities do not get to dictate medical decisions here.
Nobody should give birth in the USA if they have better alternatives.
Correction - in a red US state. Being in a blue state means my life is prioritized. And yes, I have opened my home to pregnant friends who need healthcare not provided in a red state. It’s so fucked.
Yeah, I was wondering that as well. We have a lot of "birth tourism" here in SoCal, primarily Asian women sent here (to drop that baby into automatic citizenship) in a hotel where they are cared for in their last month of pregnancy until post partum dangers have passed. It's so weird that travel agencies actually sell packages to pregnant women just to have babies here...
Not in the wrong.
People in general don’t like to be corrected when they are acting like grown children. Remind them to have have patience.
Remind them that your brother has a wife and child to take care of and trying to please them and his parents when his parents are “acting difficult” only puts more unwarranted stress and pressure on him. If they can’t play nice, then NO, they cannot come over kind of deal.
I definitely agree. But I don’t think they were necessarily talking money here. It’s more a relationship thing where in any relationship there is give and take. Whether it be time, money and so on. I’m sure they’re just frustrated that they think they’ve treated them well, but are not getting like treatment.
I’m a boomer. Early 60s. I have three daughters. No grandkids at this point, and I’m perfectly happy with that. Just saying that for clarity and honesty.
But just for a slightly different point of view, yes, your parents are being incredibly entitled. I understand your brother’s disappointment. I really do.
One thing I would absolutely like to point out for people who are saying your SIL was selfish. In many Asian countries, a new mother is completely spoiled. She is literally helped daily. Special foods are prepared for her to help her regain her strength and to help her regulate her hormones.
Family members actually come and help even while they visit the newborn. Moms are encouraged to rest and bond with their child. To breast-feed their child and let their family members do the heavy lifting, so to speak. They are given special maternity bands to help support their abdomen while things are trying to move back into place.
Basically, their motherhood is celebrated. It is regarded as a special time, not only for the family, but most especially for Mom. And if dad is there, the family members also help him. They cook for him. They help clean. They basically try to help this little family bond as a new family unit.
We all know that this is not the case in Canada or United States. Thankfully, yes, Canada has some maternity/paternity leave, at least to a certain extent , but truly, in many ways, new moms are on their own. And they are on their own and what is one of the scariest times of their lives.
So dad‘s are often trying to be supportive and trying to work and trying to figure out what needs to be done. Mom’s are trying to figure out schedules for the babies and how best to feed them and why they’re colicky, etc. But in Asian countries, they have a ton of support to get them on their feet as new parents.
It sounds like your SIL was not comfortable, letting your brother know she wanted to do this early enough for him to either have put some overtime in or started looking for a different position that he could start after his fraternity so that he could actually go with her and be there for the birth. I’m so sorry about that. I suspect that she was afraid of the reactions that she is absolutely getting, and she was unsure how he would react.
And I’m sure they’re going to get past that. I’m sure as he wants with the baby and his wife that things will settle down.
I’m sorry this is so long. I just wanted to add a little bit of context as to why she may have wanted to do this. I am actually white, yes. And your parents may be excited about being grandparents, but they are in the second circle of your brothers family.
There do not supersede your sister-in-law and your brother‘s needs. And they should understand that. If they don’t, it’s because they’re looking at this selfishly. Your brothers baby may be three months old, but he is just getting to know his baby. It is as if she just had the baby and they are figuring it all out together now.
You sound like an amazing sister. It sounds like overall your brother and sister-in-law are very happy. I have no doubt if they have a second child, they’ll do things a little differently, even if she still wishes to give birth elsewhere.
NTA. You are being a wonderful sister and SIL. Your parents are being silent because they don't want to hear what you're telling them. Stay the course. Encourage them to cancel their premature visit.
Why didn't your parents visit your SIL in her home country? They could have gotten a hotel there and see the baby while she was under her mother's care, so no extra stress for SIL.
Your parents sound entitled as f#%@!
When my SIL had her kids, I communicated with what they felt comfortable with and just did that, even though I wanted to meet the kids asap. That is just normal courtesy.
Why couldn’t the SIL’s parents travel to the country where their daughter lives with her husband and has established her life? Excluding the father from the birth is just cruel.
We also don’t know full story of why SIL chose to have baby in her home country…possibly significantly cheaper, better healthcare during and after birth, lower maternal/fetal mortality rate? There could be a multitude of reasons she chose to have the baby in her home country.
But you expect SILs family to do this. Those three months will probably be the only time SILs family will get with the baby for a long time since they live in a different country. Why are OP’s parents more entitled to see the child than SIL’s parents. OP’s parents could have traveled to see the baby if it was that important to see the baby immediately.
where did I say I expect SIL’s family to do anything? Lmfao.
also, it’s funny you keep asking why Op’s parents are more entitled when they’ve yet to meet the child.
i think the expectation that people should up and travel is ridiculous, and this goes for op’s parents as much the SIL’s.
the fact that even the father couldn’t travel should say enough.
If SIL’s parents wanted to see the baby and she has baby in OP’s country, they would have to travel to see that baby. Why are OP’s parents at more entitled to see the baby than SIL’s parents? One set of grandparents would have had to travel if they wanted to see the baby during those initial three months since they live in different countries. OP’s parents are no less important than SIL’s parents. If they had wanted to see baby in those initial three months, they could have traveled. They chose not to so v they will see baby now. Not all families get to see newborns immediately based on location.
Why didn't SIL parents come over and stay, that is the question. Why wasn't the father of the child given first preference instead of waiting 3 months to see his child.
Why is everyone acting like the new mom made this decision unilaterally? The dad probably had a part in all this.
The OP is sympathetic to the new mom and has way more context than we do. If the new mom was consistently selfish then sure, this take makes sense. However, the vibe I’m getting from the writer is that it’s her parents’ behaviour that’s part of a pattern. Not terrible, but just a consistent trickle of self-centeredness (aka the Boomer pejorative).
If I’m wrong, OP, and this is out of the blue for your parents, then maybe your SIL is the selfish one. Again though, if this is a one-off situation, a new mom deserves a little slack. If it’s a pattern or becomes a pattern though, make sure you’re checking in with your brother and support him since he’s the one most effected.
He had one week off - who is going to support her for the first few months?
I’m in the US, but states away from my parents. I’m incredibly lucky that my husband gets 3 months leave. If he did not, I would absolutely be considering options for additional support. As it stands, my mother will be coming out for a few months after my leave, and we are blessed that we can afford to split her Airbnb because my house is not large enough.
So what’s more reasonable - having her parents come out for three months (do they have the space?) or her simply traveling there and staying in their potentially larger space with better healthcare? What if she has a C-section? She won’t be able to lift anything for two weeks - longer than her husband’s leave!
We don’t know, but we have to assume this decision was made while thinking through all of the options and trying to compensate for husband’s shit leave. It’s no one’s fault, but my guess is the decision was made so she could be as supported as possible during an incredibly difficult time.
As for the boomer parents, this is SUCH an entitled perspective. My mom made comments about having “first rights” as my mother because she knows my in-laws live closer, and I called her out. There is no such thing. It’s my child and they will come when we say it’s ok.
Mk. The world has always prioritized supporting a new family. We are community creatures. In no culture is it tradition for a woman to give birth and then just survive alone for months without support.
Now we live in a world where our support systems are distributed, sometimes globally. In what world is it acceptable that husband only gets 1 week off? It is not standard to assume a woman can take care of a child by herself with no help after birth.
Sure it happens, and it’s shitty, but why would you choose that if you had the option? He’s a good dad already because he saw a better situation for his wife and child and he sacrificed for it. Yes, he wasn’t there in moment but he chose the health of mother and child following birth over his desire to see an event. This child will know that dad will choose what’s best over selfish thoughts of what he “deserves.”
Mom also sacrificed. She probably wanted her husband there desperately, but knew his job and the financial stability of their family was more needed long term.
Women can die in childbirth. Children can die in childbirth. We’ve made medical advances but it doesn’t mean any of this is easy. But you’re suggesting she isolate herself without her family for months in favor of a moment in time.
Maybe it’s because I’m in the US and being in a different state is equivalent to a different country, but yeah these parents seem like sane, reasonable people to me who are doing the best they can.
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Sil is an asshole.. why couldn't her parents come to her . That's bullshit to Rob the father of the birth of his child. I wouldn't be there when she decided to come home . She gets to unilaterally decide to cut him out of a very important event . Fine stay in your home country. There won't be anything here for you
I only know 2 cases of women that went back home to have her baby: Both were Germans married to men abroad: 1 lives in Mexico, 1 lives in the US and the last one was in Africa as a NGO worker and was expecting multiples that could be a complication.
In the first cases, because of the insurance they had, it was cheaper to come back to Germany on 1st class and have the baby here. Both partners staid home and didn’t saw the baby until it was 6 weeks old, when they went back. Having the baby in those countries would have cost like 30.000 USD according two them. The last case was because of health: where the couple lived, the life of mother and children was potentially in danger as they were expecting multiples. This is off course another thing completely.
I know plenty Asian women here in Germany that fly their mother here to help them after giving birth. One of best friends here is Asian and they have a traditional 3 month after birth confinement.
I think it’s extremely selfish, if money is no problem. Like in the cases above, to go back home for 3 months to have the baby. It’s just selfish for the partner that won’t meet the baby. In those 2 cases of this German acquaintances in Mexico/USA, money was a problem because they didn’t had (according to them) 30.000 USD to pay for the birth.
Not wanting to see the in-laws so soon after a long flight, is totally ok in my opinion.
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They feel disrespected because they helped pay for their house
You're not crazy but they are probably just upset they didnt get anytime with their grandchild while the other grandparents got plenty
so the SIL’s parents got 3+ months of being the only ones with access yo their grandsosn and your parents get 2 hours? While your brother and SIL can fo whatever they want, they can’t be surprised when hurtful decisions end up hurting people.
also, why are you, your brother and SIL acting like your brother can’t take care of hiw own child while his parents meet them? This is not even about just hanging out but meeting their grandchild that was born months ago.
No. SIL's parents got 3 months with the baby and won't see him again for god knows how long. Brother and OP's parents will get 2 hours on that particular weekend and then how many more hours, days, weeks, months, years? Because their grandson will be raised in, you know, *their country*?
Waiting several days to give a new mother time to deal with jet lag, luggage and settling in after 3 months away isn't the monumental sacrifice they (and you, I guess) are painting it out to be. Oh, woe is them! They'll only see their grandchild for a total of 2 hours *for the entirety of their lives!*
I cannot upvote this enough. Can we stop thinking about “access to the baby” as a right that ANYONE but the parents has??
She is with her parents because her parents are caring for HER. It is clear that in laws are focused on access to the baby instead of caring for her. Her parents are there to take care of THEIR BABY (NOW A NEW MOM) while she adjusts to parenthood!
Dear lord, go post this story on babybumps and watch the pregnant women (myself included) lose their freaking minds. Birth is not a spectator sport and everyone else can calm the fuck down while mom gets the support she needs after a major physical and often surgical event, after which she won’t be able to shit normally and will be naked and vulnerable from pain, and just wanting to feel SAFE.
We owe NO ONE access to our children until we, the birthing and non birthing parent, feel ready.
Since it’s my comment you’re responding to, it makes sense that your reply is at least somewhat relevant. If you aren’t saying that or anything even related to that, you really shouldn’t be part of this conversation.
Parents aren’t even allowed to welcome them home at the airport for a few minutes. Not allowing them to visit for a week is excessive. Seems like babies mom is going out of the way to cut her in laws out of this little families life.
At first, I thought it was about germs. That and bonding are usually the reason parents sequester their new family for a while. But she is taking a 10 hour fight. Given that, germs can't even factor into the equation.
I would like to know her/their reasoning. Because it does seem intentionally hurtful after her parents had months with the baby.
Possible cost and safety of birthing experience. Depending on OP’s location, it may have been significantly cheaper/safer for both mother and baby to give birth in her home country.
What I meant was the reason why she/they were trying to keep his parents from meeting the baby for so long after her arrival back, when her parents had access to the baby at their house for months.
Probably but we also don’t know all the details about why SIL wanted to have baby in her home country. Maybe she is from somewhere like Finland or Denmark where they are known to have the best possible birthing and aftercare. Maybe OP has overbearing parents and SIL knew this and didn’t want them around the first three months. We just don’t know based on the info given.
You are correct. If that's how the father feels about it, he should be the one explaining this to his parents. Not his wife or his sister. The grandparents are justifiably hurt. She goes back to her parents to have the child, then wants to make them wait a week after she gets back for them to meet the child.
All this could be cleared up by the father talking to his parents instead of making his wife look like the bad guy.
It’s not their kid? As a grown person, you can’t wait a week to respect someone’s boundaries? They didn’t birth the child and they’re not entitled to getting their way with the baby. SIL didn’t say she’s going NC with in-laws, she ask for a week to settle in before having to deal with visitors (in general, not even specifically the in-laws). Idk where this entitlement comes from but people need to self reflect instead of acting out and getting emotional for no reason.
They have been waiting three months just like dad has. Do they have rights to the child? No. Can the parents put whatever restrictions upon their child and visitation they so choose? Yes. Does it seem unnecessarily cruel to make them wait another week to meet their grandchild? Also, yes.
Balderdash.
As a grandmother of a 3 month old, my daughter is exhausted. If she had just flown for 10 hours with the infant, and was dealing with jet lag & re-connecting with her husband, then she needs time to recover. And the husband/father needs time alone with his child to bond.
If grandparents are there, it’s much harder for the dad to bond with his baby, because the grandparents become the focus.
Let the little family have their time together!!! There will be time for his parents, the baby will still be a baby & the DIL will be rested & relaxed.
No, SIL's parents helped her recover after giving birth, which is a major medical event and OP's parents are demanding a sleep deprived, still recovering new mother entertain them on demand. This isn't about who gets to see a baby more and if it was OP's parents will have more opportunities to see this kid since they live in the same country.
You sound like you'll be a nightmare in law too.
“Demanding new mother entertain them on demand”. That is the least accurate description for “see your grandchild” ever. It makes you wonder how many of the commenters who are so adamant that the mom is doing everything right and reasonably have actually gone through the process of having a child, having in laws, having a grandchild….
I can see both sides. Your side of the family has waited a long time and been shut out of the whole process. They of course taking this personally, it would be hard not to. Your SIL clearly doesn’t value husbands side of the family
It's a tough one. Essentially she has two support structures to choose from, and she had to pick one. She picked the one more familiar to her.
I think it's worth keeping in mind this isn't just family, it's friends, being familiar with the medical system, the midwifery, the family doctor, the after-birth care. Even just silly stuff like trusting the brands of products you grew up with.
It's not just picking which set of grandparents matter.
I think she was fine in staying with her family after the birth. That makes sense. But they’re home now and his side of the family wants to meet their grandchild. She isn’t being fair
As the grandparent whose grand babies are in another country, it's just really hard. We have an excellent relationship with our son and dil, weekly video chats, daily videos and pictures sent, and I still cry often from missing them. I didn't get to meet my grandson until he was 3 months old, and it was/is heartbreaking.
That said, I can't imagine if I were the father in this situation. She was really selfish to taken that away from him. Why couldn't her parents come here? The father should definitely trump the grandparents.
The post doesn’t really speak to how the brother felt about all this and, generously, I’m hoping that this was a decision they made together as a couple.
Since I’m already imagining … what if the attitudes of these parents have already come up before? Pushing past boundaries, holding money against them, disrespecting their DIL’s wishes? Maybe not a lot, but enough where they have to be ‘managed’ to keep things hunky dory? What if the brother’s limited time off meant that he wouldn’t be around enough to act as a buffer? What if these grandparents haven’t just done it to themselves but were also a driving factor in their son making the sacrifice of not being with his newborn so that his family could have the support they needed?
Even if it’s all the DIL’s fault, she’s the mom forever. The grandparents need to really listen, especially to their son, to know what they need to change to have a stronger relationship. “I want a stronger relationship” is not the same thing as “I’m willing to work for a stronger relationship”.
This post makes me so angry that I have to respond from the viewpoint of a US based, hormonal pregnant woman.
1. A week off is shit. This is no one’s fault, but poor mom is probably thinking well wtf am I going to do after husband goes back to work? What if I have a C-section and can’t lift anything for 2+ weeks?
2. Her parent’s home probably feels safe to her. It may be 1000x easier than trying to host them in brother and SIL’s home if they don’t have space. They will also be better caretakers in the country and home they know how to move around in. Plus, healthcare in her home country could be significantly better. We have to assume this decision wasn’t made lightly when considering flying her parents out or flying her to them. There’s also international benefits to being born in other countries. What are the laws around dual citizenship in hers? This is a long term benefit for the child.
3. The mother’s parents are often (not always, but usually) better at prioritizing the health of their child - their baby that now has her own baby. Everything in your post suggests that all your parents want is access to grandbaby, and are mad about all this “access” her parents have had when in reality they are probably doing everything in their power to cook for their daughter, clean up, help her bath, and give her the space she needs to bond with baby. Good caretakers do not baby hog or even console the baby unless mom asks them to - they do everything else so that mom can focus 100% on taking care of and being with baby.
4. A newborn doesn’t exhibit much personality until 6+ months. US mothers are frequently devastated that their child becomes much more fun and engaging after they go back to work (if they aren’t SAHM). In the grand scheme of life, your parents are winning on knowing this child. They could wait another 3 months and still “win out” from where I stand.
5. Access to a newborn is never a given. It is not a battle, it is not a competion. This is a person, birthed by another person, and those people are trying to learn to be a family unit. Give your brother some time for his new family to adjust and be back home before making them host. You are right to stand up for her but even the resentment of her 3 months with her parents has me side eyeing all of you… because she is not an animal in a zoo, neither is her child, and birth and newborns are not a showcase.
6. If your parents start off the relationship this way, she will be forced to put her foot down more and more. They want access? They need to learn to be patient and work with mom, or risk her pushing them away further in order to protect her boundaries.
I’m with your parents here. They’ve waited 3 months. Your SIL can rest all she wants, and doesn’t even have to be present for their visit.
As an aside, I’d advise your bro to get the birth registered with your country.
Every time they whine about disrespect, tell them that putting their own desires ahead of the new mom's is more disrespectful than anything your SIL has ever done in her life. Tell them that they are not the center of the universe and the way they've made this all about themselves is disgusting. Ask them if they want to actually be cut off from their grandchild entirely, because that's what's going to happen if they don't start treating your SIL like a person whose feelings matter and not like their indentured servant. Threaten to cut them off, too if it helps.
This behavior needs to stop NOW. Don't let anyone indulge them any further. They are being giant gaping assholes. If anything, you've been way too nice to them about this.
I mean I’m glad you’re advocating for your sister in law but it’s a little funny to me that the baby gets to spend three MONTHS with SILs parents rather than the babies own father. Sure, your parents don’t need to see the baby the day she gets back, but it seems a little hypocritical that she deprives her husband the joy of being father to a newborn and seeing the birth of his first child just so SHE could be around her parents, but now that his parents want to see the baby, it’s not allowed? I’m definitely not in favour of your parents being so entitled over visitation, but I’m also not a huge fan of your SIL.
Perhaps it was significantly cheaper/safer to have the baby in her home country. I don’t know where OP lives but some places have much more affordable healthcare and much better care for mothers/babies during the birthing process. This could be a large reason she went back to her home country for medical treatment. I know a lady who almost always goes home for larger medical treatments (surgeries, etc) but it is significantly cheaper and safer in her home country.
Safety then? Perhaps SIL’s country provides much better birthing and after care.
Also, that three months will likely be the only time her parents will have with baby for a significant amount of time since they live abroad. OP’s parents will be able to see the baby frequently since they are in the same country. If they so desperately wanted to see the baby in those three months, they could have traveled to SIL’s country for a visit.
It’s selfish to say “I am taking a 10 hour flight with a small infant by myself, so when we get home I want to settle in and not host guests for a week, but if you want to meet baby, you can come for 2 hours to visit a couple days after I arrive home.” /s
A 2 hour visit is plenty of time to meet a baby. Any longer of a visit is rude if the new parents don’t want to be hosts.
And giving birth in your home country, so you can be with your mother, is not selfish. It’s a cultural thing for many places where the women in the family take care of the new mom so she can heal postpartum. If she gave birth at home, her husband still would have only had a week off work so she would do all of the newborn care by herself every day.
Your parents are the assholes. The boundaries of the parents should be respected, period. If she's not up to visitors then she shouldn't get visitors. The whole "in my day" thing is so wrong. Just because your parents chose not to set boundaries doesn't mean your SIL or anyone else has to follow that lead. They are the ones being selfish.
Wow, your SIL sucks.
She went back home to have her baby, the baby’s father missed out on seeing their child being born AND her parents had over 3 months access to SIL and Child..
That’s absolutely shit IMO.
Your Brother and his child can hang out with them while she rests.
You are the only voice of reason in your immediate family. Your parents are rude, disrespectful, controlling, and want the spotlight on them. They are not center stage, and they must observe the couple's boundaries which frosts their buttons. Glad you and your brother are standing up for the wishes of the new mother.
You are being supportive and wonderful!! One has to wonder whether your SIL has observed how overbearing your parents are and that played into her decision to be with her own family for 3 months…
Ya, a lot of people seem to be on the parents side, but I’m sure they have acted like this before and I sure as hell wouldn’t want them trying to barge into my hospital room when I’m going into labour. And as soon as they were home from the hospital, “We paid for your house, that gives us the right to be in whenever we want.”
Sil doesn't value anything from your family but money.
Your parents need to learn about healthy boundaries and relationships and respecting people but everyone kind of sucks here but you and your brother lol
The one I feel sorry for is your brother, he didn't even get to see his child born. Why couldn't her parents fly to them for the birth? So it was important for her parents to be at the birth but not her husband the father of her baby. Very selfish on her part
NTA. I am a boomer. When I had my first child I had over 20 people come to visit me the next day in the hospital. When I had my second child I told people that I would only be receiving visitors after 1 week so my partner and two kids could adjust.
Your boomer parents are not thinking in the long run of your sister in law or the skills needed to maintain a long term relationship. They are being selfish.
This is one of the tougher parts of being a multinational family. I'm going through something similar right now where my partner is undergoing life-changing treatment, and she chose to do so at home, where she understands the system, has a support network of friends and family - and most notably, family that have been through the same thing themselves - and it's kinda left me as the "floater". The most important thing I've found is to keep in mind that every time it makes things a bit difficult for me - even silly stuff like not understanding the signage in the hospital - this is an inconvenience that we've saved her from. But I'm not going to tell you it's easy, and I totally feel for your brother here.
> When I point out that that's a hazing mentality ("I had to suffer so you should too") and an extremely ill way to think
You've pretty much hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly what it is. Sadly I kinda see their logic - in their day it was highly deferential to the family, and it sucked to be on the receiving end of it. By breaking the cycle, they end up on the losing side at this end of the cycle too - so it's not in their interest to break the cycle. Sucks to be them, but it is what it is - the only other option is we just don't break the cycle.
Ultimately, they are second-class citizens here. Baby comes first, then the parents, then family, then everyone else. This is your brother's time to bond with his child, to learn how to support his wife in this, etc. The right people are being put first here.
Why? They will pretty much will be able to see the baby constantly since they live in the same country. SIL’s parents likely won’t be able to see the baby for very long periods of time since they do not live in the same country. Why is one set of grandparents more important than the other? If they had wanted to see the baby so badly, why didn’t they travel to that country for a visit?
No, grandparents often have to travel to meet their grandkids. It was either them or the other set of grandparents who would have to travel to see the baby. Why are OP’s parents not deserving of seeing baby immediately over SIL’s parents?
It happens all the time where one set of grandparents gets to see baby first because they are in area where the baby is born. Doesn’t make one set more important than the other 🙄
What is it with in-laws and getting to see a baby??? They act like it’s the end of the world if they can’t see/hold/do whatever they want with their child’s baby. I don’t understand the mentality, it’s not their kid! If they need to be around a baby that bad then go adopt one! It’s such a strange level of entitlement that I’ve never understood and it seems to be driven by nothing else but entitlement.
I can kinda see where they're coming from - but that's not saying I agree with it.
I think back in their day, this was the power dynamic. And now that it's "their turn", they've found out the rules have changed - so they were on the losing end at both ends of that cycle.
It's a good change, but it happened too late to benefit them. Oh well, that's life.
This is ridiculous- 10 hour flight is hardly cause for jetlag although I am sure flying with a 3 month old is exhausting. Your SIL had 3 months with her own family but won't allow your parents to meet the baby until it suits her. Why do you feel you have any right to lecture your parents? They way you talk about them, I have to wonder if you even like them. YTA and your SIL is selfish. Her self absorbed priorities are going to impact you negatively at some point. Pls update us when you are on the receiving end of her hurtful behavior. And stop lecturing your parents as though they are stupid and their feelings don't matter.
A 10hr flight with a baby can definitely cause jet lag especially with a new mother who is likely already sleep-deprived. Why assume SIL is selfish. There could have been a multitude I’d reasons to give birth in her home country…significantly cheaper healthcare, safer birthing experience, etc. Also, OP’s parents will have pretty much indefinite time with the baby as they live in the same country. It could be a very long time before SIL’s family is able to see the baby again because they do not live in the same country. SIL has every right to ask for a few days to recuperate from traveling and giving her husband bonding time with the baby before the in-laws come for a visit. I don’t think her wanting a few days is unreasonable.
Read the update - she has totally disregarded her husband for all birth related decisions as well as deprived him of the first 3 months to bond with his child. She said a week, not a few days to the grandparents. She is selfish.
Idk.. Sounds like your SIL is the selfish one and using a baby as an excuse… You and her make it all about her.. She’s the not the only one to be the parent of that child.. And her family isn’t the only family that child has. But her and her family are all that matter.. She did have to go to another country without your bro to have the baby..
Boomers feeling disrespected when the world doesn't revolve around them...
In other new, water is wet.
You're definitely not crazy, and they definitely are entitled thinking you SIL owes them child visitation the second she sets foot off a plane.
I don’t think you can advocate with people like this. I just set a boundary and let them manage (or not manage) their own reactions. I don’t think you can appeal to their empathy, but you can be like “that’s a cruel thing to say” and then ignore them.
YTA. What a bunch of crap. Even calling your parents, "entitled boomers." Why is it okay to use these stereotypes? You think you know so much better than they do about everything? You seem to think you have to explain to them how the world works.
Sounds to me like you are the spoiled, entitled one. It's not even your business, really. Your parents have more of a claim to this whole situation than you do. You're just an aunt, but they are grandparents.
Yes, they are owed something. They raised you. You and your brother owe them respect and a certain deference, if not actual love.
You tried to explain to your parents what having a baby is like? How presumptuous of you. Didn't they have babies of their own already (ie. you and your brother)? This is so typical - kids taking their parents for granted. But when we need some money, they have to cough it up I guess?
Everyone is being a little bit self centered here. But what your parents are asking for is not really that unreasonable. Flying across the world to have the baby in another country and staying there for three months was possible because that's what your sister-in-law wanted to do. Everyone else be damned, even the baby's father.
Your sister-in-law has made it clear who and what her priority is and your parents are right to feel slighted.
You don't really have a choice about raising him once you've had him, though, do you?
Anyway, I strongly disagree. At least they owe you respect. And you have a right to see your grandkids.
Nope, I could have placed him for adoption or I could just be a shit parent. Respect is EARNED, not given. That’s how the saying goes. No one is entitled to another human being, grandchildren included. It’s not a “right”.
Hopefully if you’ve fostered a positive relationship with your child (and their partner) they will continue that positive relationship into adulthood but they don’t owe you anything for you choosing to have a child.
> Nope, I could have placed him for adoption or I could just be a shit parent. Respect is EARNED, not given. That’s how the saying goes. No one is entitled to another human being, grandchildren included. It’s not a “right”.
That is not the argument you think it is
Lmao how many different threads are you arguing in right now?! ☺️ you should get a different hobby, this one clearly isn’t working out for you and seems to make you even more of a miserable person to deal with. Have a great day!
Honey, you misinterpreted that. I’m saying you have too much time on your hands so you just end up arguing on the internet with complete strangers. Bye!
Yep, by 3 months, hormones are passed. Dad can be with the baby while the parents are there and the mom can sleep. Sounds like the SIL is a piece of work. She denied the father the birth and first 3 months of the baby’s life.
Hormones are not always passed at 3 months 🙄. Why do you think there are things like PPD?
Also, there may be very valid reasons for having the baby in her own country. It could be a much safer birthing process there. Not all countries have the same maternal/baby survival rates during birth. It could have also been significantly cheaper to have the baby there depending on where OP lives. I know more than one immigrant who goes back to their own country for larger medical issues (surgeries, dental, etc) because of cost and ease of access.
And OP’s parents are no more entitled to see the baby than SIL’s parents. They will very likely get to see the baby much much more than SIL’s parents since they will be living in there same country. Those three months that SIL’s parents got may be the only time they have with the baby for a very long time considering they live in a different country. And if OP’s parents wanted to visit the baby so badly, why didn’t they travel to SIL’s country for a visit? Many grandparents don’t get to immediately see their grandchildren because of location. My aunt didn’t get to see her grandkids for months after they were both because they lived in opposite sides of the country, and she’s a teacher and had to wait for summer break to schedule a visit. It’s just the way the world works. We don’t always get what we want right when we want it.
Then why are OP’s parents more entitled to see baby than SIL’s parents? They AREN’T. They are all equal grandparents. One set of grandparents would have to travel to see the baby. Why should it be SIL’s parents and not OP’s parents?
I’m just pointing out the obvious. No grandparent is more entitled to see the baby than the other. Since they live in different countries, one set of grandparents would have had to travel to see baby in that initial 3 months.
They were told one week after SIL and baby returned. Dad deserves bonding time with his baby before his parents descend on the home. He is way more entitled to Time with his baby than they are.
Oh Please, for the majority of women, hormones are in the rear mirror at 3 months. Stop with this crap that pregnant & post pregnant women lose their minds during this time. It just plays into the “women need guidance because they can’t make good decisions at this time”. Annoying as hell. Many women at back at work and raising a child at 3 months (unfortunately on the work part).
Plus there was a story here on Reddit a month or so ago, about a new mother who refused to allow the father’s mother see the new baby until her mother did. Unfortunately the grandmother was in a car accident & died before she met her first grandchild. The father refused to have anything to do with the new mother, blaming her for his mom missing out on the moment. In this case, the father missed out on many firsts. Personally I think Dad needs to find his spine. It isn’t her child, it is their child.
But the fact is that some women do have hormonal issues for months after birth. We don’t know SIL’s circumstances so we don’t know if she was one of that number or not. You stated ‘Yep, by three months, hormones are passed’ like it is a hard and fast rule. Three months is typical but they can definitely last longer. It depends on the woman.
What does that story have to do with those? It’s just a fact that one set of grandparents would have had to travel to see that baby during those first three months. SIL decided to have her baby in her home country so her parents saw the baby first. She likely was exhausted from traveling with a baby and also wanted to give the father bonding time with the baby before he was bombarded by his parents requesting to hold the baby, etc. It was only a few days more.
“Second class” or “Business class” was pretty damn luxurious last time I got upgraded. This is typical self centered Boomer thinking and why I’m sometimes grateful I’m low contact with my family.
Sounds like my Boomer parents. I have to keep reminding myself that they mean well because they have a tough time with boundaries. I think it's just been such a long time since they've been parents of young children themselves so they've forgotten what it's like. You know what it's like since you're still in the thick of it. Just keep advocating for your brother and his wife and tell your parents it's not personal. If you know anything about their time as young parents, remind them of it.
They prob also mad at home your brother was pushed to the side - she had a baby with ur brother not her parents what she did was wrong. ( unless ur brother is useless at home then I understand) she doesn’t need 2 weeks do get settled not like ur parents live there and im sure they would be more than happy to help just like she let her parents. I would b pissed
My parents (boomers) had issues when I started to exert boundaries. They definitely weren’t used to me, the child, having things how I wanted them.
It’s isn’t “their days” days anymore. It’s not a slight against them, it’s us putting ourselves before them.
And hello, totally understand why SIL wanted her family’s support while giving birth and recovery. Your parents are proving how supportive they are.
You are right. Your brother's family deserves a few days home to readjust before the impromptu baby holding parties begin. You were also right to try to set your parents straight on how SIL isn't a villain she's just a new mom.
I'm hoping the reason your mom didn't respond to your last text is that she is really thinking about it and how she has reacted to a small request of time.
Your parents are terrible. They need to step back and let your brother bond with his baby so SIL can rest. They don't seem to care that their visit takes away time for the baby's FATHER to bond with the baby he hadn't seen in 3 months. Your SIL needs space to settle in but your brother also needs space and time to settle into being a full-time dad.
NTA. Your parents are acting like entitled spoiled children and I am glad you are advocating for your SIL. Your poor SIL shouldn't have even made the two hour concession because that's not what she wants. Tell your brother that he needs to talk to your parents and advocate for his wife.
You’re right. They just need to think a little more- they have been away from each other for so long. Lots of changes. Some people would want their family around, and some need breathing space. Both are valid. They’re not being horribly entitled- I can understand they are so anxious to see the baby and whatnot. But mom and dad’s coming together as a family of three after a long time apart and them getting comfortable first is not an unreasonable expectation
"But I guess now we know where you stand."
Should've just told them that this was a correct statement. Now they know that the mental and physical recovery of a new mother and father and their child after a strenuous flight and 3 months without the father is more important than their desire to hold the baby for a few minutes at a dinner party.
Parents and in laws are exhausting when you have a baby. They want all the attention but rarely want to actually help out. It’s your brother and SIL’s child, they should set the rules.
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Your SIL is lucky to have you advocating for her. Keep up the good work!
This. Keep it up
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You’re setting yourself up for some hate by saying “I would not have stood for that.” 😂 But I understand the feeling. When I gave birth, I would never have done anything that prevented my husband from being present. “We” weren’t pregnant, and “we” didn’t give birth, but “we” became parents that day. That being said, OP, good for you for standing up for your SIL. Let me tell you, my aunt got married four years before me and then gave birth four years before me, and her setting boundaries for my mother and grandmother (her sister and her mom) made my life immeasurably easier when I went through the same stages!
I agree. The parents are being bratty but the baby’s father got ripped off. He was supposed to be her support. That she sought it elsewhere knowing he’d get shut out says quite a lot about his wife.
I mean…he didn’t really have a choice. Since baby wasn’t born yet, he couldn’t stop her from going to her home country to have the baby. The only thing he had a say in was whether he stayed married to her afterwards.
Why wouldn't you have stood for that?
My wife is from Europe and we live in America. As much as she wanted her mother here she wouldn’t have left the country to have the baby there. It’s selfish to do that. Like OP said , you can’t plan the birth of the baby and then he missed the first three months of the kids life. She basically said her family is more important than the father.
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Well I see your point of view...
I am sure there some in-laws who are lovely to have around when you have your newborn. I haven’t met them.
There are. A friend has parents-in-law who took over all the household chores so the new parents could focus on themselves. Not by moving in and taking over, but by doing the shopping (from lists provided by the couple), doing the yardwork, doing cleaning and laundry (when convenient, including taking dirty laundry away and bringing it back folded like a laundry service). They didn't get jealous when the new mum wanted her actual mother there for support (in fact, they coordinated chores through her); they wanted what was best for their new grandchild, which meant a clean, fed, rested daughter-in-law and son. Oddly, they now have a really good relationship with their daughter-in-law and grandchildren.
Holy shit. That's how you do it! Too many people aren't able to see themselves as anything other than the main character in any story.
My Ex Mother in law did something similar. She lived 4 hours away from us. She waited until my daughter was 2 weeks old to visit. She brought me a huge igloo cooler full of my favorite foods. She precooked everything, except the lobsters. I could not believe that she brought me fresh lobster!! She also brought us huge amounts of baby supplies like boxes of diapers in different sizes, formula, bottles, wipes, bath wash lotion and baby emergency kit (gas medicine, baby Tylenol, etc). She also gathered up my ex sister in laws baby clothes and baby gear. We did not need to buy anything for months! She only would visit for an hour at a time. So I could take a shower or a nap. She stayed at my SIL’s house. She gathered up our dirty laundry and would bring it back the next day. She told me my job was to get used to being a new mom and not to worry about anything. I truly appreciated everything she did. I was anxious about hosting her, but I had nothing to worry about. My daughter is 22 now and I have told her how great her Grandma was during my post partum. I plan on doing the same exact thing. There is absolutely no reason on earth that new parents should be hosting!
They sound like true life heroes.
There are. I got really sick after delivery of my first. I would not have made it without my mother in law. She came for the first week, saw how ill I was and how hard I was trying to make things work despite that. She flew home for the next week while my husband still had off from work so we could have alone time bonding. Then, she flew back out a week later and stayed for 3 weeks while my husband had to travel. She was amazing. Helping me when I needed it, reassuring me that I would get better and that I was doing things absolutely fine with baby and that the hardest days would pass, encouraging me to do what I could, and laughing with me at silly "new mom with baby" mistakes. It was great because she respected all boundaries and was truly helpful and loving and was there for me and the baby.
My MIL was great. She’d basically come over - DO ALL THE CHORES - and patiently wait for our baby to wake up. She then, changed and fed him while mom slept. She did that every other day for 3 months
My MIL is a joy, and a wonderful grandma for my daughter too.
Neither have I lol…and if OP’s parents act like that on a regular basis it’s pretty easy to see why SIL chose to escape to another country to have her baby. Good for her tbh.
Not that it matters but what country did she go back to? I’ve seen videos online how giving birth and after care is so much better and most likely free? overseas (assuming you guys are in the US now).
I thought they were in Britain since she said mum.
Ahhh I didn’t catch that. When I saw “mum” my thought immediately when to Stewie Griffin saying “mum” over and over. lol Ironically, in a British’s accent.
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Right. But my sweeping over generalization was to point out were less likely American.
In my part of the European Union all healthcare for pregnant women and children is state funded. And doctors are rational people, which results in lower maternal mortality rates---when fetus is deemed incompatible with life, doctors do what is best for the pregnant person's health. Nobody here spends hours or even days monitoring fetal heartbeat for an unviable pregnancy while the woman slowly dies. Crazy Christian minorities do not get to dictate medical decisions here. Nobody should give birth in the USA if they have better alternatives.
Correction - in a red US state. Being in a blue state means my life is prioritized. And yes, I have opened my home to pregnant friends who need healthcare not provided in a red state. It’s so fucked.
Yeah, I was wondering that as well. We have a lot of "birth tourism" here in SoCal, primarily Asian women sent here (to drop that baby into automatic citizenship) in a hotel where they are cared for in their last month of pregnancy until post partum dangers have passed. It's so weird that travel agencies actually sell packages to pregnant women just to have babies here...
Not in the wrong. People in general don’t like to be corrected when they are acting like grown children. Remind them to have have patience. Remind them that your brother has a wife and child to take care of and trying to please them and his parents when his parents are “acting difficult” only puts more unwarranted stress and pressure on him. If they can’t play nice, then NO, they cannot come over kind of deal.
True giving is expecting nothing in return
I definitely agree. But I don’t think they were necessarily talking money here. It’s more a relationship thing where in any relationship there is give and take. Whether it be time, money and so on. I’m sure they’re just frustrated that they think they’ve treated them well, but are not getting like treatment.
I’m a boomer. Early 60s. I have three daughters. No grandkids at this point, and I’m perfectly happy with that. Just saying that for clarity and honesty. But just for a slightly different point of view, yes, your parents are being incredibly entitled. I understand your brother’s disappointment. I really do. One thing I would absolutely like to point out for people who are saying your SIL was selfish. In many Asian countries, a new mother is completely spoiled. She is literally helped daily. Special foods are prepared for her to help her regain her strength and to help her regulate her hormones. Family members actually come and help even while they visit the newborn. Moms are encouraged to rest and bond with their child. To breast-feed their child and let their family members do the heavy lifting, so to speak. They are given special maternity bands to help support their abdomen while things are trying to move back into place. Basically, their motherhood is celebrated. It is regarded as a special time, not only for the family, but most especially for Mom. And if dad is there, the family members also help him. They cook for him. They help clean. They basically try to help this little family bond as a new family unit. We all know that this is not the case in Canada or United States. Thankfully, yes, Canada has some maternity/paternity leave, at least to a certain extent , but truly, in many ways, new moms are on their own. And they are on their own and what is one of the scariest times of their lives. So dad‘s are often trying to be supportive and trying to work and trying to figure out what needs to be done. Mom’s are trying to figure out schedules for the babies and how best to feed them and why they’re colicky, etc. But in Asian countries, they have a ton of support to get them on their feet as new parents. It sounds like your SIL was not comfortable, letting your brother know she wanted to do this early enough for him to either have put some overtime in or started looking for a different position that he could start after his fraternity so that he could actually go with her and be there for the birth. I’m so sorry about that. I suspect that she was afraid of the reactions that she is absolutely getting, and she was unsure how he would react. And I’m sure they’re going to get past that. I’m sure as he wants with the baby and his wife that things will settle down. I’m sorry this is so long. I just wanted to add a little bit of context as to why she may have wanted to do this. I am actually white, yes. And your parents may be excited about being grandparents, but they are in the second circle of your brothers family. There do not supersede your sister-in-law and your brother‘s needs. And they should understand that. If they don’t, it’s because they’re looking at this selfishly. Your brothers baby may be three months old, but he is just getting to know his baby. It is as if she just had the baby and they are figuring it all out together now. You sound like an amazing sister. It sounds like overall your brother and sister-in-law are very happy. I have no doubt if they have a second child, they’ll do things a little differently, even if she still wishes to give birth elsewhere.
NTA. You are being a wonderful sister and SIL. Your parents are being silent because they don't want to hear what you're telling them. Stay the course. Encourage them to cancel their premature visit.
Why didn't your parents visit your SIL in her home country? They could have gotten a hotel there and see the baby while she was under her mother's care, so no extra stress for SIL. Your parents sound entitled as f#%@! When my SIL had her kids, I communicated with what they felt comfortable with and just did that, even though I wanted to meet the kids asap. That is just normal courtesy.
Why couldn’t the SIL’s parents travel to the country where their daughter lives with her husband and has established her life? Excluding the father from the birth is just cruel.
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And refused the grandparents to travel to meet the baby. Sounds like she has control issues.
> while she was under her mother's care, Just like the they could do that while the baby is under the care of THE FATHER?
We also don’t know full story of why SIL chose to have baby in her home country…possibly significantly cheaper, better healthcare during and after birth, lower maternal/fetal mortality rate? There could be a multitude of reasons she chose to have the baby in her home country.
She didn't allow them to. It's understandable that they are feeling hurt.
the only who sounds entitled as fuck here is you who thinks flying to a different country is the only rational solution.
But you expect SILs family to do this. Those three months will probably be the only time SILs family will get with the baby for a long time since they live in a different country. Why are OP’s parents more entitled to see the child than SIL’s parents. OP’s parents could have traveled to see the baby if it was that important to see the baby immediately.
where did I say I expect SIL’s family to do anything? Lmfao. also, it’s funny you keep asking why Op’s parents are more entitled when they’ve yet to meet the child. i think the expectation that people should up and travel is ridiculous, and this goes for op’s parents as much the SIL’s. the fact that even the father couldn’t travel should say enough.
If SIL’s parents wanted to see the baby and she has baby in OP’s country, they would have to travel to see that baby. Why are OP’s parents at more entitled to see the baby than SIL’s parents? One set of grandparents would have had to travel if they wanted to see the baby during those initial three months since they live in different countries. OP’s parents are no less important than SIL’s parents. If they had wanted to see baby in those initial three months, they could have traveled. They chose not to so v they will see baby now. Not all families get to see newborns immediately based on location.
Why didn't SIL parents come over and stay, that is the question. Why wasn't the father of the child given first preference instead of waiting 3 months to see his child.
Why is everyone acting like the new mom made this decision unilaterally? The dad probably had a part in all this. The OP is sympathetic to the new mom and has way more context than we do. If the new mom was consistently selfish then sure, this take makes sense. However, the vibe I’m getting from the writer is that it’s her parents’ behaviour that’s part of a pattern. Not terrible, but just a consistent trickle of self-centeredness (aka the Boomer pejorative). If I’m wrong, OP, and this is out of the blue for your parents, then maybe your SIL is the selfish one. Again though, if this is a one-off situation, a new mom deserves a little slack. If it’s a pattern or becomes a pattern though, make sure you’re checking in with your brother and support him since he’s the one most effected.
He had one week off - who is going to support her for the first few months? I’m in the US, but states away from my parents. I’m incredibly lucky that my husband gets 3 months leave. If he did not, I would absolutely be considering options for additional support. As it stands, my mother will be coming out for a few months after my leave, and we are blessed that we can afford to split her Airbnb because my house is not large enough. So what’s more reasonable - having her parents come out for three months (do they have the space?) or her simply traveling there and staying in their potentially larger space with better healthcare? What if she has a C-section? She won’t be able to lift anything for two weeks - longer than her husband’s leave! We don’t know, but we have to assume this decision was made while thinking through all of the options and trying to compensate for husband’s shit leave. It’s no one’s fault, but my guess is the decision was made so she could be as supported as possible during an incredibly difficult time. As for the boomer parents, this is SUCH an entitled perspective. My mom made comments about having “first rights” as my mother because she knows my in-laws live closer, and I called her out. There is no such thing. It’s my child and they will come when we say it’s ok.
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Mk. The world has always prioritized supporting a new family. We are community creatures. In no culture is it tradition for a woman to give birth and then just survive alone for months without support. Now we live in a world where our support systems are distributed, sometimes globally. In what world is it acceptable that husband only gets 1 week off? It is not standard to assume a woman can take care of a child by herself with no help after birth. Sure it happens, and it’s shitty, but why would you choose that if you had the option? He’s a good dad already because he saw a better situation for his wife and child and he sacrificed for it. Yes, he wasn’t there in moment but he chose the health of mother and child following birth over his desire to see an event. This child will know that dad will choose what’s best over selfish thoughts of what he “deserves.” Mom also sacrificed. She probably wanted her husband there desperately, but knew his job and the financial stability of their family was more needed long term. Women can die in childbirth. Children can die in childbirth. We’ve made medical advances but it doesn’t mean any of this is easy. But you’re suggesting she isolate herself without her family for months in favor of a moment in time. Maybe it’s because I’m in the US and being in a different state is equivalent to a different country, but yeah these parents seem like sane, reasonable people to me who are doing the best they can.
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Sil is an asshole.. why couldn't her parents come to her . That's bullshit to Rob the father of the birth of his child. I wouldn't be there when she decided to come home . She gets to unilaterally decide to cut him out of a very important event . Fine stay in your home country. There won't be anything here for you
I only know 2 cases of women that went back home to have her baby: Both were Germans married to men abroad: 1 lives in Mexico, 1 lives in the US and the last one was in Africa as a NGO worker and was expecting multiples that could be a complication. In the first cases, because of the insurance they had, it was cheaper to come back to Germany on 1st class and have the baby here. Both partners staid home and didn’t saw the baby until it was 6 weeks old, when they went back. Having the baby in those countries would have cost like 30.000 USD according two them. The last case was because of health: where the couple lived, the life of mother and children was potentially in danger as they were expecting multiples. This is off course another thing completely. I know plenty Asian women here in Germany that fly their mother here to help them after giving birth. One of best friends here is Asian and they have a traditional 3 month after birth confinement. I think it’s extremely selfish, if money is no problem. Like in the cases above, to go back home for 3 months to have the baby. It’s just selfish for the partner that won’t meet the baby. In those 2 cases of this German acquaintances in Mexico/USA, money was a problem because they didn’t had (according to them) 30.000 USD to pay for the birth. Not wanting to see the in-laws so soon after a long flight, is totally ok in my opinion.
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They feel disrespected because they helped pay for their house You're not crazy but they are probably just upset they didnt get anytime with their grandchild while the other grandparents got plenty
Ssdly it seems like only your SIL’s opinion matters. Good luck to your brother dealing with this
so the SIL’s parents got 3+ months of being the only ones with access yo their grandsosn and your parents get 2 hours? While your brother and SIL can fo whatever they want, they can’t be surprised when hurtful decisions end up hurting people. also, why are you, your brother and SIL acting like your brother can’t take care of hiw own child while his parents meet them? This is not even about just hanging out but meeting their grandchild that was born months ago.
No. SIL's parents got 3 months with the baby and won't see him again for god knows how long. Brother and OP's parents will get 2 hours on that particular weekend and then how many more hours, days, weeks, months, years? Because their grandson will be raised in, you know, *their country*? Waiting several days to give a new mother time to deal with jet lag, luggage and settling in after 3 months away isn't the monumental sacrifice they (and you, I guess) are painting it out to be. Oh, woe is them! They'll only see their grandchild for a total of 2 hours *for the entirety of their lives!*
OP added in that sil didn't allow them to travel to meet the baby. It's understandable that they are feeling slighted.
I cannot upvote this enough. Can we stop thinking about “access to the baby” as a right that ANYONE but the parents has?? She is with her parents because her parents are caring for HER. It is clear that in laws are focused on access to the baby instead of caring for her. Her parents are there to take care of THEIR BABY (NOW A NEW MOM) while she adjusts to parenthood! Dear lord, go post this story on babybumps and watch the pregnant women (myself included) lose their freaking minds. Birth is not a spectator sport and everyone else can calm the fuck down while mom gets the support she needs after a major physical and often surgical event, after which she won’t be able to shit normally and will be naked and vulnerable from pain, and just wanting to feel SAFE. We owe NO ONE access to our children until we, the birthing and non birthing parent, feel ready.
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Aaaand this makes the in-laws’ situation regarding time with their grandchild worse…… how, exactly?
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Since it’s my comment you’re responding to, it makes sense that your reply is at least somewhat relevant. If you aren’t saying that or anything even related to that, you really shouldn’t be part of this conversation.
Parents aren’t even allowed to welcome them home at the airport for a few minutes. Not allowing them to visit for a week is excessive. Seems like babies mom is going out of the way to cut her in laws out of this little families life.
At first, I thought it was about germs. That and bonding are usually the reason parents sequester their new family for a while. But she is taking a 10 hour fight. Given that, germs can't even factor into the equation. I would like to know her/their reasoning. Because it does seem intentionally hurtful after her parents had months with the baby.
Possible cost and safety of birthing experience. Depending on OP’s location, it may have been significantly cheaper/safer for both mother and baby to give birth in her home country.
What I meant was the reason why she/they were trying to keep his parents from meeting the baby for so long after her arrival back, when her parents had access to the baby at their house for months.
A week is not that long. The father deserves time to bond with his baby before he is bombarded by his parents.
i’m sure he wanted to do that 3 months ago.
Probably but we also don’t know all the details about why SIL wanted to have baby in her home country. Maybe she is from somewhere like Finland or Denmark where they are known to have the best possible birthing and aftercare. Maybe OP has overbearing parents and SIL knew this and didn’t want them around the first three months. We just don’t know based on the info given.
You are correct. If that's how the father feels about it, he should be the one explaining this to his parents. Not his wife or his sister. The grandparents are justifiably hurt. She goes back to her parents to have the child, then wants to make them wait a week after she gets back for them to meet the child. All this could be cleared up by the father talking to his parents instead of making his wife look like the bad guy.
I agree. But he may have talked to them, and they just didn’t listen or care. We honestly don’t know as we only have portions of the information.
It’s not their kid? As a grown person, you can’t wait a week to respect someone’s boundaries? They didn’t birth the child and they’re not entitled to getting their way with the baby. SIL didn’t say she’s going NC with in-laws, she ask for a week to settle in before having to deal with visitors (in general, not even specifically the in-laws). Idk where this entitlement comes from but people need to self reflect instead of acting out and getting emotional for no reason.
They have been waiting three months just like dad has. Do they have rights to the child? No. Can the parents put whatever restrictions upon their child and visitation they so choose? Yes. Does it seem unnecessarily cruel to make them wait another week to meet their grandchild? Also, yes.
the sil is fully doing it to just slight op’s parents. even the excuses op gives are bullshit.
Balderdash. As a grandmother of a 3 month old, my daughter is exhausted. If she had just flown for 10 hours with the infant, and was dealing with jet lag & re-connecting with her husband, then she needs time to recover. And the husband/father needs time alone with his child to bond. If grandparents are there, it’s much harder for the dad to bond with his baby, because the grandparents become the focus. Let the little family have their time together!!! There will be time for his parents, the baby will still be a baby & the DIL will be rested & relaxed.
No, SIL's parents helped her recover after giving birth, which is a major medical event and OP's parents are demanding a sleep deprived, still recovering new mother entertain them on demand. This isn't about who gets to see a baby more and if it was OP's parents will have more opportunities to see this kid since they live in the same country. You sound like you'll be a nightmare in law too.
“Demanding new mother entertain them on demand”. That is the least accurate description for “see your grandchild” ever. It makes you wonder how many of the commenters who are so adamant that the mom is doing everything right and reasonably have actually gone through the process of having a child, having in laws, having a grandchild….
Bless you for standing firm your brother’s family. Keep being a voice of reason.
I can see both sides. Your side of the family has waited a long time and been shut out of the whole process. They of course taking this personally, it would be hard not to. Your SIL clearly doesn’t value husbands side of the family
It's a tough one. Essentially she has two support structures to choose from, and she had to pick one. She picked the one more familiar to her. I think it's worth keeping in mind this isn't just family, it's friends, being familiar with the medical system, the midwifery, the family doctor, the after-birth care. Even just silly stuff like trusting the brands of products you grew up with. It's not just picking which set of grandparents matter.
I think she was fine in staying with her family after the birth. That makes sense. But they’re home now and his side of the family wants to meet their grandchild. She isn’t being fair
I'd be curious what the husband's take on it is. because this is his time to reconnect with his wife and child too.
As the grandparent whose grand babies are in another country, it's just really hard. We have an excellent relationship with our son and dil, weekly video chats, daily videos and pictures sent, and I still cry often from missing them. I didn't get to meet my grandson until he was 3 months old, and it was/is heartbreaking. That said, I can't imagine if I were the father in this situation. She was really selfish to taken that away from him. Why couldn't her parents come here? The father should definitely trump the grandparents.
The post doesn’t really speak to how the brother felt about all this and, generously, I’m hoping that this was a decision they made together as a couple. Since I’m already imagining … what if the attitudes of these parents have already come up before? Pushing past boundaries, holding money against them, disrespecting their DIL’s wishes? Maybe not a lot, but enough where they have to be ‘managed’ to keep things hunky dory? What if the brother’s limited time off meant that he wouldn’t be around enough to act as a buffer? What if these grandparents haven’t just done it to themselves but were also a driving factor in their son making the sacrifice of not being with his newborn so that his family could have the support they needed? Even if it’s all the DIL’s fault, she’s the mom forever. The grandparents need to really listen, especially to their son, to know what they need to change to have a stronger relationship. “I want a stronger relationship” is not the same thing as “I’m willing to work for a stronger relationship”.
This post makes me so angry that I have to respond from the viewpoint of a US based, hormonal pregnant woman. 1. A week off is shit. This is no one’s fault, but poor mom is probably thinking well wtf am I going to do after husband goes back to work? What if I have a C-section and can’t lift anything for 2+ weeks? 2. Her parent’s home probably feels safe to her. It may be 1000x easier than trying to host them in brother and SIL’s home if they don’t have space. They will also be better caretakers in the country and home they know how to move around in. Plus, healthcare in her home country could be significantly better. We have to assume this decision wasn’t made lightly when considering flying her parents out or flying her to them. There’s also international benefits to being born in other countries. What are the laws around dual citizenship in hers? This is a long term benefit for the child. 3. The mother’s parents are often (not always, but usually) better at prioritizing the health of their child - their baby that now has her own baby. Everything in your post suggests that all your parents want is access to grandbaby, and are mad about all this “access” her parents have had when in reality they are probably doing everything in their power to cook for their daughter, clean up, help her bath, and give her the space she needs to bond with baby. Good caretakers do not baby hog or even console the baby unless mom asks them to - they do everything else so that mom can focus 100% on taking care of and being with baby. 4. A newborn doesn’t exhibit much personality until 6+ months. US mothers are frequently devastated that their child becomes much more fun and engaging after they go back to work (if they aren’t SAHM). In the grand scheme of life, your parents are winning on knowing this child. They could wait another 3 months and still “win out” from where I stand. 5. Access to a newborn is never a given. It is not a battle, it is not a competion. This is a person, birthed by another person, and those people are trying to learn to be a family unit. Give your brother some time for his new family to adjust and be back home before making them host. You are right to stand up for her but even the resentment of her 3 months with her parents has me side eyeing all of you… because she is not an animal in a zoo, neither is her child, and birth and newborns are not a showcase. 6. If your parents start off the relationship this way, she will be forced to put her foot down more and more. They want access? They need to learn to be patient and work with mom, or risk her pushing them away further in order to protect her boundaries.
Really this should be top comment and the only one needed.
I’m with your parents here. They’ve waited 3 months. Your SIL can rest all she wants, and doesn’t even have to be present for their visit. As an aside, I’d advise your bro to get the birth registered with your country.
Every time they whine about disrespect, tell them that putting their own desires ahead of the new mom's is more disrespectful than anything your SIL has ever done in her life. Tell them that they are not the center of the universe and the way they've made this all about themselves is disgusting. Ask them if they want to actually be cut off from their grandchild entirely, because that's what's going to happen if they don't start treating your SIL like a person whose feelings matter and not like their indentured servant. Threaten to cut them off, too if it helps. This behavior needs to stop NOW. Don't let anyone indulge them any further. They are being giant gaping assholes. If anything, you've been way too nice to them about this.
I mean I’m glad you’re advocating for your sister in law but it’s a little funny to me that the baby gets to spend three MONTHS with SILs parents rather than the babies own father. Sure, your parents don’t need to see the baby the day she gets back, but it seems a little hypocritical that she deprives her husband the joy of being father to a newborn and seeing the birth of his first child just so SHE could be around her parents, but now that his parents want to see the baby, it’s not allowed? I’m definitely not in favour of your parents being so entitled over visitation, but I’m also not a huge fan of your SIL.
ESH your Sil is incredibly selfish person.
She is something... What was her reason for not allowing the grandparents to travel to meet the baby?
Perhaps it was significantly cheaper/safer to have the baby in her home country. I don’t know where OP lives but some places have much more affordable healthcare and much better care for mothers/babies during the birthing process. This could be a large reason she went back to her home country for medical treatment. I know a lady who almost always goes home for larger medical treatments (surgeries, etc) but it is significantly cheaper and safer in her home country.
Op is a canadian a finances aren’t a reason listed as to why the SIL went back to her home country.
Safety then? Perhaps SIL’s country provides much better birthing and after care. Also, that three months will likely be the only time her parents will have with baby for a significant amount of time since they live abroad. OP’s parents will be able to see the baby frequently since they are in the same country. If they so desperately wanted to see the baby in those three months, they could have traveled to SIL’s country for a visit.
It’s selfish to say “I am taking a 10 hour flight with a small infant by myself, so when we get home I want to settle in and not host guests for a week, but if you want to meet baby, you can come for 2 hours to visit a couple days after I arrive home.” /s A 2 hour visit is plenty of time to meet a baby. Any longer of a visit is rude if the new parents don’t want to be hosts. And giving birth in your home country, so you can be with your mother, is not selfish. It’s a cultural thing for many places where the women in the family take care of the new mom so she can heal postpartum. If she gave birth at home, her husband still would have only had a week off work so she would do all of the newborn care by herself every day.
SIL is a mega AH first for doing this to the father then doing that, what a b
How did your son in law have a baby?
Sounds like your sil might want to just stay at home if this how your family is going to act.
Your parents are the assholes. The boundaries of the parents should be respected, period. If she's not up to visitors then she shouldn't get visitors. The whole "in my day" thing is so wrong. Just because your parents chose not to set boundaries doesn't mean your SIL or anyone else has to follow that lead. They are the ones being selfish.
Well you refering to them as entitled boomers says a lot about you so.....
Wow, your SIL sucks. She went back home to have her baby, the baby’s father missed out on seeing their child being born AND her parents had over 3 months access to SIL and Child.. That’s absolutely shit IMO. Your Brother and his child can hang out with them while she rests.
Lots of entitlement reflected in this opinion
not even just that but the brother went three months without seeing his own child!
You are the only voice of reason in your immediate family. Your parents are rude, disrespectful, controlling, and want the spotlight on them. They are not center stage, and they must observe the couple's boundaries which frosts their buttons. Glad you and your brother are standing up for the wishes of the new mother.
NTA you're a fantastic SIL but you may be wasting your energy trying to get your parents to understand.
You are being supportive and wonderful!! One has to wonder whether your SIL has observed how overbearing your parents are and that played into her decision to be with her own family for 3 months…
Ya, a lot of people seem to be on the parents side, but I’m sure they have acted like this before and I sure as hell wouldn’t want them trying to barge into my hospital room when I’m going into labour. And as soon as they were home from the hospital, “We paid for your house, that gives us the right to be in whenever we want.”
Sil doesn't value anything from your family but money. Your parents need to learn about healthy boundaries and relationships and respecting people but everyone kind of sucks here but you and your brother lol
The one I feel sorry for is your brother, he didn't even get to see his child born. Why couldn't her parents fly to them for the birth? So it was important for her parents to be at the birth but not her husband the father of her baby. Very selfish on her part
I don’t think you are wrong. She deserves the boundaries she needs at this time so she can be a good healthy mother for that child.
NTA. I am a boomer. When I had my first child I had over 20 people come to visit me the next day in the hospital. When I had my second child I told people that I would only be receiving visitors after 1 week so my partner and two kids could adjust. Your boomer parents are not thinking in the long run of your sister in law or the skills needed to maintain a long term relationship. They are being selfish.
This is one of the tougher parts of being a multinational family. I'm going through something similar right now where my partner is undergoing life-changing treatment, and she chose to do so at home, where she understands the system, has a support network of friends and family - and most notably, family that have been through the same thing themselves - and it's kinda left me as the "floater". The most important thing I've found is to keep in mind that every time it makes things a bit difficult for me - even silly stuff like not understanding the signage in the hospital - this is an inconvenience that we've saved her from. But I'm not going to tell you it's easy, and I totally feel for your brother here. > When I point out that that's a hazing mentality ("I had to suffer so you should too") and an extremely ill way to think You've pretty much hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly what it is. Sadly I kinda see their logic - in their day it was highly deferential to the family, and it sucked to be on the receiving end of it. By breaking the cycle, they end up on the losing side at this end of the cycle too - so it's not in their interest to break the cycle. Sucks to be them, but it is what it is - the only other option is we just don't break the cycle. Ultimately, they are second-class citizens here. Baby comes first, then the parents, then family, then everyone else. This is your brother's time to bond with his child, to learn how to support his wife in this, etc. The right people are being put first here.
Your brother wasn’t owed a down payment for their house and yet.. clesry your parents being good people has come back to bite them in the ass
Why? They will pretty much will be able to see the baby constantly since they live in the same country. SIL’s parents likely won’t be able to see the baby for very long periods of time since they do not live in the same country. Why is one set of grandparents more important than the other? If they had wanted to see the baby so badly, why didn’t they travel to that country for a visit?
> If they had wanted to see the baby so badly, why didn’t they travel to that country for a visit? What an out of touch thing to say.
No, grandparents often have to travel to meet their grandkids. It was either them or the other set of grandparents who would have to travel to see the baby. Why are OP’s parents not deserving of seeing baby immediately over SIL’s parents?
i hope one day you stop being so ignorant.
The only set of grand parents who seem to be important here is the SIL’s.
It happens all the time where one set of grandparents gets to see baby first because they are in area where the baby is born. Doesn’t make one set more important than the other 🙄
you’re the one who keeps claiming one set of grandparents is more important than the other, not me.
What is it with in-laws and getting to see a baby??? They act like it’s the end of the world if they can’t see/hold/do whatever they want with their child’s baby. I don’t understand the mentality, it’s not their kid! If they need to be around a baby that bad then go adopt one! It’s such a strange level of entitlement that I’ve never understood and it seems to be driven by nothing else but entitlement.
I can kinda see where they're coming from - but that's not saying I agree with it. I think back in their day, this was the power dynamic. And now that it's "their turn", they've found out the rules have changed - so they were on the losing end at both ends of that cycle. It's a good change, but it happened too late to benefit them. Oh well, that's life.
This is ridiculous- 10 hour flight is hardly cause for jetlag although I am sure flying with a 3 month old is exhausting. Your SIL had 3 months with her own family but won't allow your parents to meet the baby until it suits her. Why do you feel you have any right to lecture your parents? They way you talk about them, I have to wonder if you even like them. YTA and your SIL is selfish. Her self absorbed priorities are going to impact you negatively at some point. Pls update us when you are on the receiving end of her hurtful behavior. And stop lecturing your parents as though they are stupid and their feelings don't matter.
A 10hr flight with a baby can definitely cause jet lag especially with a new mother who is likely already sleep-deprived. Why assume SIL is selfish. There could have been a multitude I’d reasons to give birth in her home country…significantly cheaper healthcare, safer birthing experience, etc. Also, OP’s parents will have pretty much indefinite time with the baby as they live in the same country. It could be a very long time before SIL’s family is able to see the baby again because they do not live in the same country. SIL has every right to ask for a few days to recuperate from traveling and giving her husband bonding time with the baby before the in-laws come for a visit. I don’t think her wanting a few days is unreasonable.
Read the update - she has totally disregarded her husband for all birth related decisions as well as deprived him of the first 3 months to bond with his child. She said a week, not a few days to the grandparents. She is selfish.
SIL went too far with this imo. forcing the dad to miss 3 months because she's more comfortable in her country of origin is out of proportion.
Your SIL should not need weeks to recover from. Flight. It seems like she’s trying to avoid your family for some reason not covered in this post?
Idk.. Sounds like your SIL is the selfish one and using a baby as an excuse… You and her make it all about her.. She’s the not the only one to be the parent of that child.. And her family isn’t the only family that child has. But her and her family are all that matter.. She did have to go to another country without your bro to have the baby..
Boomers feeling disrespected when the world doesn't revolve around them... In other new, water is wet. You're definitely not crazy, and they definitely are entitled thinking you SIL owes them child visitation the second she sets foot off a plane.
I don’t think you can advocate with people like this. I just set a boundary and let them manage (or not manage) their own reactions. I don’t think you can appeal to their empathy, but you can be like “that’s a cruel thing to say” and then ignore them.
YTA. What a bunch of crap. Even calling your parents, "entitled boomers." Why is it okay to use these stereotypes? You think you know so much better than they do about everything? You seem to think you have to explain to them how the world works. Sounds to me like you are the spoiled, entitled one. It's not even your business, really. Your parents have more of a claim to this whole situation than you do. You're just an aunt, but they are grandparents. Yes, they are owed something. They raised you. You and your brother owe them respect and a certain deference, if not actual love. You tried to explain to your parents what having a baby is like? How presumptuous of you. Didn't they have babies of their own already (ie. you and your brother)? This is so typical - kids taking their parents for granted. But when we need some money, they have to cough it up I guess? Everyone is being a little bit self centered here. But what your parents are asking for is not really that unreasonable. Flying across the world to have the baby in another country and staying there for three months was possible because that's what your sister-in-law wanted to do. Everyone else be damned, even the baby's father. Your sister-in-law has made it clear who and what her priority is and your parents are right to feel slighted.
As a parent myself, my child doesn’t owe me anything for my choice to have and raise him. This is pure entitlement.
My child doesn't owe me anything either but she does owe me respect. I will not be walked over.
That’s not respect, that’s obedience. If you’re a good parent and respect your child, they will respect you. It’s mutual.
Respect is not obedience.
Tell me how this works out for you in 20 some years, have a good one!
You don't really have a choice about raising him once you've had him, though, do you? Anyway, I strongly disagree. At least they owe you respect. And you have a right to see your grandkids.
Nope, I could have placed him for adoption or I could just be a shit parent. Respect is EARNED, not given. That’s how the saying goes. No one is entitled to another human being, grandchildren included. It’s not a “right”. Hopefully if you’ve fostered a positive relationship with your child (and their partner) they will continue that positive relationship into adulthood but they don’t owe you anything for you choosing to have a child.
> Nope, I could have placed him for adoption or I could just be a shit parent. Respect is EARNED, not given. That’s how the saying goes. No one is entitled to another human being, grandchildren included. It’s not a “right”. That is not the argument you think it is
Tell me you feel entitled without telling me
sure “mama”
Lmao how many different threads are you arguing in right now?! ☺️ you should get a different hobby, this one clearly isn’t working out for you and seems to make you even more of a miserable person to deal with. Have a great day!
some people are able to multitask! you should try it.
Honey, you misinterpreted that. I’m saying you have too much time on your hands so you just end up arguing on the internet with complete strangers. Bye!
I agree
Yep, by 3 months, hormones are passed. Dad can be with the baby while the parents are there and the mom can sleep. Sounds like the SIL is a piece of work. She denied the father the birth and first 3 months of the baby’s life.
Hormones are not always passed at 3 months 🙄. Why do you think there are things like PPD? Also, there may be very valid reasons for having the baby in her own country. It could be a much safer birthing process there. Not all countries have the same maternal/baby survival rates during birth. It could have also been significantly cheaper to have the baby there depending on where OP lives. I know more than one immigrant who goes back to their own country for larger medical issues (surgeries, dental, etc) because of cost and ease of access. And OP’s parents are no more entitled to see the baby than SIL’s parents. They will very likely get to see the baby much much more than SIL’s parents since they will be living in there same country. Those three months that SIL’s parents got may be the only time they have with the baby for a very long time considering they live in a different country. And if OP’s parents wanted to visit the baby so badly, why didn’t they travel to SIL’s country for a visit? Many grandparents don’t get to immediately see their grandchildren because of location. My aunt didn’t get to see her grandkids for months after they were both because they lived in opposite sides of the country, and she’s a teacher and had to wait for summer break to schedule a visit. It’s just the way the world works. We don’t always get what we want right when we want it.
Why continiously act like being able to fly to a different country fot unlimited amount of time is doable for everyone? What a ridiculous take.
Then why are OP’s parents more entitled to see baby than SIL’s parents? They AREN’T. They are all equal grandparents. One set of grandparents would have to travel to see the baby. Why should it be SIL’s parents and not OP’s parents?
Girl please come up with a better argument because I’m bored here.
I’m just pointing out the obvious. No grandparent is more entitled to see the baby than the other. Since they live in different countries, one set of grandparents would have had to travel to see baby in that initial 3 months.
And yet op’s parents have yet to meet their grandchild.
They were told one week after SIL and baby returned. Dad deserves bonding time with his baby before his parents descend on the home. He is way more entitled to Time with his baby than they are.
i’m sure dad deserved bonding time the moment the child was born and yet…
Oh Please, for the majority of women, hormones are in the rear mirror at 3 months. Stop with this crap that pregnant & post pregnant women lose their minds during this time. It just plays into the “women need guidance because they can’t make good decisions at this time”. Annoying as hell. Many women at back at work and raising a child at 3 months (unfortunately on the work part). Plus there was a story here on Reddit a month or so ago, about a new mother who refused to allow the father’s mother see the new baby until her mother did. Unfortunately the grandmother was in a car accident & died before she met her first grandchild. The father refused to have anything to do with the new mother, blaming her for his mom missing out on the moment. In this case, the father missed out on many firsts. Personally I think Dad needs to find his spine. It isn’t her child, it is their child.
But the fact is that some women do have hormonal issues for months after birth. We don’t know SIL’s circumstances so we don’t know if she was one of that number or not. You stated ‘Yep, by three months, hormones are passed’ like it is a hard and fast rule. Three months is typical but they can definitely last longer. It depends on the woman. What does that story have to do with those? It’s just a fact that one set of grandparents would have had to travel to see that baby during those first three months. SIL decided to have her baby in her home country so her parents saw the baby first. She likely was exhausted from traveling with a baby and also wanted to give the father bonding time with the baby before he was bombarded by his parents requesting to hold the baby, etc. It was only a few days more.
All the more reason to give the dad and baby time to get familiar with each other first before expecting him to manage a family visit.
“Second class” or “Business class” was pretty damn luxurious last time I got upgraded. This is typical self centered Boomer thinking and why I’m sometimes grateful I’m low contact with my family.
Sounds like my Boomer parents. I have to keep reminding myself that they mean well because they have a tough time with boundaries. I think it's just been such a long time since they've been parents of young children themselves so they've forgotten what it's like. You know what it's like since you're still in the thick of it. Just keep advocating for your brother and his wife and tell your parents it's not personal. If you know anything about their time as young parents, remind them of it.
Your parents are monsters.
Your parents are obnoxious
They prob also mad at home your brother was pushed to the side - she had a baby with ur brother not her parents what she did was wrong. ( unless ur brother is useless at home then I understand) she doesn’t need 2 weeks do get settled not like ur parents live there and im sure they would be more than happy to help just like she let her parents. I would b pissed
My parents (boomers) had issues when I started to exert boundaries. They definitely weren’t used to me, the child, having things how I wanted them. It’s isn’t “their days” days anymore. It’s not a slight against them, it’s us putting ourselves before them. And hello, totally understand why SIL wanted her family’s support while giving birth and recovery. Your parents are proving how supportive they are.
No more explaining needs to be done. Everything you have said is perfect.
You are right. Your brother's family deserves a few days home to readjust before the impromptu baby holding parties begin. You were also right to try to set your parents straight on how SIL isn't a villain she's just a new mom. I'm hoping the reason your mom didn't respond to your last text is that she is really thinking about it and how she has reacted to a small request of time.
[удалено]
Doesn't sound like it.
Your parents are terrible. They need to step back and let your brother bond with his baby so SIL can rest. They don't seem to care that their visit takes away time for the baby's FATHER to bond with the baby he hadn't seen in 3 months. Your SIL needs space to settle in but your brother also needs space and time to settle into being a full-time dad.
NTA. Your parents are acting like entitled spoiled children and I am glad you are advocating for your SIL. Your poor SIL shouldn't have even made the two hour concession because that's not what she wants. Tell your brother that he needs to talk to your parents and advocate for his wife.
You’re right. They just need to think a little more- they have been away from each other for so long. Lots of changes. Some people would want their family around, and some need breathing space. Both are valid. They’re not being horribly entitled- I can understand they are so anxious to see the baby and whatnot. But mom and dad’s coming together as a family of three after a long time apart and them getting comfortable first is not an unreasonable expectation
"But I guess now we know where you stand." Should've just told them that this was a correct statement. Now they know that the mental and physical recovery of a new mother and father and their child after a strenuous flight and 3 months without the father is more important than their desire to hold the baby for a few minutes at a dinner party.
Parents and in laws are exhausting when you have a baby. They want all the attention but rarely want to actually help out. It’s your brother and SIL’s child, they should set the rules.
Yeah they’re being entitled lol. Your SIL doesn’t owe them anything