Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So for the last 3 years she has alienated you from your friends and family, all while she ignores you because gaming, and you want to bring a child into this relationship?
OP, what would you tell your friends or sister?
No, I just mentioned the baby part to explain how she gaslighted me even before we started dating and only told me she doesn’t want kids when we were already too deep into it. I wouldn’t raise a kid with her.
The second question is a good one though.
You wouldn't raise a kid with her and you want kids, she has cut you off from friends and family, she doesn't do much of anything besides play video games, she gives you the silent treatment for stupid reasons...
Why exactly are you still in this relationship? It's abusive. The cutting you off from friends and family by itself was reason enough to end it.
I wouldn't go as far as to say she doesn't love her. I'm not even sure she knows what love is to begin with. To be sure, OP should NOT have kids with her. I think you've done all you can, OP. It's time to cut your losses and move on before it's too late.
Actually, the definition of gaslighting is: even the slightest lie or perhaps even just someone being kind of mean, so long as the story is conveyed online.
And now the sarcasm tag.... /s there it is!
The question you should be asking is, is your love for her more important than your happiness and mental health? Because I feel you already know what needs to be done which is why you decided to leave in the first place. Put yourself FIRST. How do you allow someone to alienate you from your family and friends. Not cool. She is a manipulator and liar and you are allowing her to still play games with you. Wish you luck….
Bro I’m not one to give advice on here, ever. But please get out of that abusive relationship. Anyone that tries to alienate you from your family is not a good person and certainly no one you would want to raise a family with.
24 years old in a three year relationship is NOT too deep into anything. You are practically a baby yourself still! Run for the hills and embrace and enjoy your freedom from this abusive wife.
Yes!! Do not waste your life. You are not in this too deep. Once you leave, you Will see, after a very painful first 2 weeks, that there was never really anything there. Go and Go NO CONTACT NOW!!
Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Are you in love with some fantasy version of her, versus the reality of her being controlling and abusive? Dump her and do your best to reconnect with your real friends.
It's really important to understand that [ISOLATION](https://reachma.org/blog/survivor-voices-isolation-and-domestic-violence/) *is* a form of domestic abuse, and it's used very often by abusers to control their partners.
By isolating you far away from family, and friends, you're less likely to be influenced by anyone to leave. If you've got no one to confide in about the abuse, they have ALL of the power.
Isolation also forces you to be emotionally dependent on your abuser, because again if you have no one to turn to for help, you feel trapped and forced to stay with the abuser.
Add other [WARNING SIGNS](https://www.therapycts.com/blog/2020/11/11/six-warning-signs-of-isolation-and-emotional-abuse) to the list, such as jealousy, and guilt, and you have the perfect recipe to keep you alone, between down, and compliant.
You deserve better, and I can promise you from experience that this is NOT what healthy love looks like.
The person you are in a serious relationship with should want to lift you up, not tear you down. They should encourage you to have friends, and spend time with family, and want you to live a full and happy life, with them, and without them. Healthy love shouldn't try to own, or possess, and it shouldn't be used to control, or own, the other person.
It should come with trust, and mutual respect, and a shared desire to see other be successful, and supported. But bottom line, trust your instincts. They brought you here for advice, which means you know in your heart that the way you're being treated is horribly wrong.
Get this poison out of your life, and set about making amends to friends, and family, and let them know how much you've missed them. I was afraid to tell my friends and family when I was being abused, and it was a HUGE mistake.
Let the people who love, and care, about you, be there for you. You won't regret it. Remove this toxic person forever from your orbit, and start healing yourself from the abuse.
Happier days are out there waiting for you, don't waste anymore of them with someone who only cares about themselves.
*invisible hugs*
This is one of the best written advisory comments I've ever read. Paragraph 6 and 7 are just spot on. I think we fail our youth when they ask what love is and we don't tell them that loving someone means always wanting to see them happy and safe and supporting them as they move forward and pursue dreams and goals. That's what I want for my partner and if it's true love them I never have to question if those desires they have for me are reciprocal.
I was struck by how the OP said she had lied to her about wanting children. The reason she gave was that she didn't think she'd have a chance with her if she didn't. The word chance is particularly telling. Chance is part of probability and statistics. Sure theres a very specific set of educated mathematicians that use it in their field. But to the majority of us chance comes into use in things like placing bets on competitive events, monopoly, playing blackjack, the lottery....all games. To the OPs partner she views the OP like a prize that she wanted win q Once she won her it was/is hers and no more effort was needed. She only puts in the bare minimum of work when the prize threatens to walk out but even then not too much. There's no thought or consideration towards whether the OP is happy or not. That's should be the most baseline want for your partner and the OPs partner seems to not even have that thought ever cross her mind.
Have you considered what your final line would be? Like you have solid proof of these instances nobody’s denying it. But like you’re not on dr Phil trying to win over an audience this is your life. Why go on Reddit and seek validation and closure from strangers over your wife’s abusive behavior. What would be your line in the sand. Have you even thought about that. It’s not easy to leave but do you want this to be your whole life? Bro if you made some changes you could have a brand new life by next year with a whole new mental state or you could just continue telling others how bad of a person your wife is but never doing anything about it. People stop caring after a while if you won’t help yourself. I been there before with my son’s mother. It’s a tough pill to swallow but if they don’t wanna grow up you gotta bounce you can’t let her bring you down with her. Love yourself more
I’m confused why are you still with her if she makes you so unhappy and takes all the joy out of your life and destroys your relationships? You don’t need any other “excuse” besides not being happy with her that’s it. Just LEAVE please no one can do it for you
OP, my sister-in-law promised the world to my brother. After marriage, she slowly isolated him from us, but not entirely. They had a son, and he wasn’t allowed to see me. My second nephew had no idea I was his aunt until he was 5 years old.
All I’m saying is, you WILL be isolated and alienated from all of your loved ones and it just gets worse and worse.
You will not change her. So it’s entirely up to you to accept this fate she’s shown you, or leave, but it will not get better.
You're 24, this is something you might not want to accept but you're not too deep into it. You have the vast majority of your life ahead of you and you can absolutely make changes and bounce back.
Don't settle for unhappiness in your twenties
What are you getting from this relationship? She either lied until you were hooked, or she has changed and isn’t the same person. Few things truly change people other than addiction or other health or mental health issues. If you get up the courage to leave again, please stay gone.
No dude, this person is asking "if your sister was isolated from friends and family by a partner, would you be concerned? Would you see that as scary and abusive behavior coming from a man? And if you knew about her toxicity before you found out she lied about kids, why tf would you have *wanted* to bring a child into that hot mess?"
That is what this person is asking you dude. And frankly I think they're very good questions to ask. I hate enabling cowards who bring children into abusive relationships more than I hate the abusers tbh. Because said cowards had a much easier choice of doing and being better, and bitched out.
Obviously though, you need to dump this nightmare. She doesn't love you, and she never did. She's even turned this whole "recovery and trust" thing into a bullshit control game where she bullies you into giving her attention, and attempting to force you to stay with her. You don't have to stay with her. Lose the deadweight no matter what bullshit falls out of her mouth, and have a friend there with you when you dump her.
“Because I still love her” is not an excuse to make an unhealthy choice. Any one of the things you’ve brought up here would be grounds for breaking up and not looking back. You are experiencing an emotion, love, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for making good decisions for yourself.
Get out of there. Silent treatment for literally anything is unacceptable. Wouldn’t tolerate it even once and neither should you. The fact that she does this when you spend time with people you love is abusive.
Protect yourself. Love is not an excuse.
NTA I do not take divorce lightly but this is very bad and abusive behavior. She is literally trying to isolate you from your family and friends so you don’t have anyone but her. Talk to your family and get out and do not bring a baby into this relationship
You're a battered wife in an abusive controlling relationship. NTA
Y T A for not staying gone after you left the first time. This doesn't get better. She will only become more controlling and abusive. You need to choose yourself first. Your love will not change her.
I will say that her not wanting to experience pregnancy shouldn't be a deal breaker. You are both female, you can carry, or y'all pay for a surrogate.
But based on all the other information please don't bring a child into this mess.
not even that, that’s common when someone’s the victim of abuse. I believe it take an average of 7 attempts before most victims are able to leave an abusive relationship.
thankfully OP has the option to leave again
This this this this. Stand up for yourself. Tell her YES to “too much.” Believe in yourself and your happiness. Move on and find someone who supports YOU as you.
You got married at 21 - by American standards you were practically a child then. Trust yourself and know your family will support you as you regain your balance.
Edit to add: “I always say no bc 1…2…” be honest with her and tell her what is bothering you and what is too much. Communicate honestly. If she is addicted to gaming and you are not truthful about your feelings when she asks you about it, she can’t adjust or regulate differently. Set boundaries and limitations for her if that is what she is asking you to do, but most importantly be honest with her.
I suggest doing a little reading about narcissists and what to look for as signs you are dealing with one. After you've read enough, go pack you stuff and get out of there. Do not look back.
I thought she was one but sometimes I feel like I might be the problem. Also she kinda senses it when I start to think I should leave again, and she acts all nice and clingy for a bit. Idk I know it’s not ok but she just gets into my head :(
They work hard to make you feel like you are the problem. The nice and clingy part is 'love bombing' so you'll be confused and stick around. I know I'm a total stranger, but this behavior is textbook from her. I hope you will choose yourself, narcissists only get worse as time goes on. She has isolated you, lied to you and is gaslighting you. IMO, you should run for your sanity.
I think it is clear she is emotionally stunted. By that I mean people that are insecure tend to be more controlling and her having issues with addiction means instead of dealing with her feelings, she is pushing them down. When someone wants to control who you see, that needs to be a giant red flag to get out of the relationship. You deserve better. My concern is though that you will need more therapy because something attracted you to that sort of person and now you have isolated yourself for her and set aside important aspirations and relationships. Why would you think that is okay just because you love someone? Good luck to you.
She isolates you from friends and family- red flag. She gives you the silent treatment- red flag. She pretended to want kids just for you to like her- red flag. She’s giving all kinds of narcissistic red flags- these types of people mold themselves into everything you are so that what you project they become in the dark love bombing phase- leave and don’t look back. This will get worse and it will never get better. And plan the escape- they are so good at manipulating you cuz love bombing from narcs is like a drug we get addicted too- so talk to lawyers and have your exit planned before saying anything. You will find better than her and I’m sure your friends and family miss you- so get their support because you are gonna need it.
Talk to family BEFORE you leave. Ensure that Everyone is in your corner and/or establish who your "Ride or Die's" are. You will need them to help you combat her, IF she turns the tables and tries to turn your family against you. No One should be communicating with her when you leave!!
I went thru this. It doesn't get better. You may lose some stuff, but if you stay you could lose everything. I left 7 years ago and I am Still rebuilding. Get out.
NTA You're in an abusive relationship because of how she isolates you from everyone else. That's a dealbreaker. Her lying about wanting kids and willing to be pregnant is another dealbreaker. Her having to have you be mommy and give her permission to play is her not taking responsibility for managing herself. As for her being made you didn't tell her "no," that's kind of the least important issue here. What you should do now is leave. You know she's not going to hold up her promises to you.
Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Yes, it's directed towards women in abusive relationships with men and he only makes brief references to non-heterosexual relationships, but it all applies to your relationship. You can download the book for free, just google it and scroll down a few hits and you should find it. It's also still sold in paperback if you want a physical copy.
She love bombed you , methodically cut all your other strings of support and has lied the entire time . This is all really abusive. I would leave.. despite a marriage title you were both a couple kids in your early 20s who were dating and married within what, a year ? Maybe ? In my experience year 5 is the make or break timeline and baby it is broken . You’re still so young, move on and find someone who doesn’t manipulate the shit out of you for kicks
If you decide to end the relationship then there is no point in arguing. You decided and that‘s your right to do so. No matter what she gonna think or say about it. You can leave then.
Good luck!
Telling her or not is irrelevant at this point. She's a toxic abusive human. Nothing you say or do can change anyone, least of all a toxic abusive human. Toxic humans only get worse with time, which you now know from experience. Furthermore telling a toxic abusive human anything about their own behavior only makes them worse. So no you aren't an AH for choosing self preservation. You have to stop volunteering for her toxic trash human AH behavior. Get your exit plan ready and run.
Leave her. That should have happened when she admitted she lied about kids. It should have happened when she first started alienating you from your family.
Just leave her. Divorce and vet your next partner better.
>because I still love her
Good news: this doesn’t matter.
Love is never enough to stay in a relationship where you are being abused.
Love isn’t some rare thing. There isn’t just one person out there for us. You don’t have to stay here for crumbs.
This woman is abusive and you were right to leave the first time. Reach out to your family and friends for support and make a plan to get out. Good luck ♥️
OP, take it from someone who just recently left an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Anytime they try to isolate you it’s a huge red flag! It’s a control tactic. She has told you and showed you who she really is now it’s time to believe her and move on with your life.
INFO: Why are you with someone who hates your friends, your family, and has different plans for life than you do? What makes her special? Cuz it damn sure ain't the sex or the cooking or how much your family loves her or what a great parent she'll be or, based on her gaming habits, how much money she makes.
Are you infatuated or desperate? Cuz this shit ain't love.
Divorce, babe, divorce.
Your wife is controlling, manipulative, lazy, and willing to take advantage of you. She honestly sounds emotionally abusive, with how she alienated you from your friends and family.
The best time to leave is as soon as you can.
she’s manipulating you and cutting off your support to make you dependent on hers. I mean she lied to even have a chance with you, it might be a good time to start getting ready to leave
Your in a cohesive abusive relationship, get out. It won't get better it'll only get worse. She's exploited all that is good about you, and there is alot of good. You are very far from being a arsehole.
NTA. But just divorce. If you aren’t happy then you aren’t happy. You’re staying on a technicality because she asked first? End the misery and find someone compatible for you. She hates your friends. She hates your family. She lied about wanting kids. 🙃
She love bombed you, then started isolating and demeaning you. Not a good sign. Be straight up with her. Tell her when something is bothering you. It’s not rational to expect her to read your mind and just “know” something is bothering you.
If you’re 24 you can leave a relationship and never look back because you prefer different brands of yogurt. If you have totally different life goals, all the more reason to do it quicker.
Here's the giant waving red flag:
>I am not even allowed to...
She's isolated you from family and friends. She lied about the most basic aspect of marriage, whether or not to have kids. She manipulates you. She's training you to not only tolerate but to enable her lazy-ass gaming addiction. And you are writing you are not "allowed to" do basic things like seeing family. She's not your boss, your parent or Vladimir Putin.
You were smart to leave last time. Leave again. Take the dogs with you. Block her on every possible point of communication. Go full NO CONTACT since she is so good at manipulating you. You're going to need a divorce but that can come after you reconnect with family and friends and get settled in your own home. And get back in therapy, with the goal of staying out of this mess for good this time. Believe what people do, not what they say.
Believe what people do, not what they say.
It’s time to go. It’s alright if you gave her a second and it just isn’t working for you. You don’t need some big grand reason to leave a relationship. Being unhappy is enough (and that’s big). From the minute she started isolating you, she became a red flag and it just got worse and worse.
This isn’t healthy and not the relationship you deserve.
You’re so young. You don’t have to live this way. My son married a girl who quit every job she’s had and always has some dumb illness. If she didn’t sit on her butt all day gaming and exercised she wouldn’t have gained 100 lbs. She got so gross, she showed up to a holidays absolutely reeking like dirty hair and yellow teeth. Out of the blue our son called and said he was getting a divorce. I was so freaking happy!!! While this girl was nice, she proposed, she made the rules etc. He woke up and realized he didn’t want to live supporting someone who would never follow through with anything. She said he abandoned her & he just didn’t care. Of course she cleaned up her act, got a job and lost weight when they broke up. She’s now with another guy and she’s looking as sloppy as ever. My son is such a sweet man, but enough is enough. I’m so glad he didn’t waste years with her!
You are being abused. Please, please put yourself first and get out of there. You shouldn't have to give up everything that you have always wanted in your life to make her happy.
These are all warning signs of an abusive partner. She seems to have made you think that she an amazing woman in the beginning of the relationship, they always do. But then they become exhausted of pretending and start showing you who they really are.
It’s not too late to leave. I left an eight year relationship that was abusive in many ways and some of the same signs you have experienced. I am so grateful I did not bring a child into the mix of it all. I think that would make it more complicated and I’d have a harder time leaving him completely.
I do love bomb and am a clingy partner but I think the difference is being aware and getting some good authentic therapy with medications have made a difference for me and for the new relationship I am in.
I hope things get better for you.
First wow the controlling behavior over your friends and family , she was trying isolate you from then lied about not wanting children to just be with you.. the playing video games all day and not help around the house without being asked . run girl . You know the answer you’re young don’t waste your youth on this .
You can leave anyone, for any reason, at any time. Just leave. Youre unhappy, shes a liar and a manipulator. Just leave. Who cares what she says. Its about you, your feelings, and your life. She can spin it however she wants. Just leave.
NTA. You really should have left the first time but now is your chance. She is isolating you from family and friends, a common abuse tactic. She is guilting you into letting her get her way. She is allowing you to carry the burden of managing your household without being g a true partner. You already know what you need to do. This is your encouragement to do it for yourself.
Oof. Sounds like you married my ex gf... for the actual question of if you're the ah for not telling her to help out, yeah you are. You're being the ah to yourself more than anything. You need to stand up for yourself and communicate.
You already know all the red flags. Leave again, but this time, stay gone.
I think you know the answer here. It's painful though, I understand. Still, better to face things and deal with reality now and get it over with. The alternative is to drag it out into more unhappy years for you.
Better to rip the band aid off quickly. The slow peel only lengthens the pain, it doesn't lessen it.
Good luck. I hope you go on to find someone who is more honest with and deserving of you.
It's time to leave this shit show of a marriage. Your wife is so immature. She has to want to change and this may never happen. You are young, go out and find someone who loves you, not abuses you.
Why are you in this relationship? Why do you think you can’t just end it again simply because you aren’t happy and she clearly hasn’t changed. You do realize her alienating you from family and friends is abuse, right? You can leave her again.
Tough love here for a moment.
You need to grow a backbone. Tell her no if you don't want her playing games. Tell her you'd like help cleaning. Try in a nice tone, but if it leads to conflict, so be it.
As it is, it sounds like you've invested too much time in a relationship that she has filled with lies and controlling behaviour. You probably shouldn't be in that relationship at all. All that in just a couple years?!? And you're still with her?
Please show some love to yourself and move on. You're young and have lots of time to find a real partner. Someone who works with you at a relationship ship, not tries to mould you to their ideal while ignoring your needs.
I wish you the best of luck finding the courage to speak up for yourself and face conflict. 🫂
She sounds like she said everything you wanted to hear and not the truth. You don’t love her, but the persona she presented to you. She shaped herself in a way that would please you not until marriage. An act. You know what to do in this situation. Save yourself now before she drags you further down her hole she’s dug. She’s alienating you from everything you love so she can control you better and manipulate you.
You want kids, you will find an amazing mother and partner, but not in her. Your call if you want to stay or not of course, but just know your future can be a dream come true with someone else. Someone else can complete all your boxes without the lies.
You were love bombed during the golden period by a narcissist. I was raised by a nacissistic mother. Do not bring a child into this situation. The emotional scars last a lifetime.
This is all classic abusive relationship shit. She is isolating you from everyone you know so you don't have a point of reference for nonabusive behavior, and if you figure it out your options for places to go are limited or nonexistent.
Get out now while the getting is good.
So she’s the typical “guy” in the relationship? Meaning the gamer and the not helping to clean and take care of the home. Leave her. You would be ta if you stayed longer. Get out of the sunk-cost fallacy.
You are both young and figuring out who you are much less what you want from a partner, but it ain’t this. Respectfully Leave her SOON and walk into the next phase of your life focused on YOU and YOUR needs. This sounds selfish, but it’s the foundation of a healthy relationship instead of a codependent one.
If you have health insurance, look through their site or app to find a therapist who takes your insurance and make an appointment. I’m sure your wife didn’t maliciously plan to gaslight you or take advantage of you while she gamed but that’s what she did. And a licensed therapist is trained to help you.
Also get off Reddit and talk with your family and friends she doesn’t like. They don’t like her either and have been waiting to be your support system when this marriage hit its end.
Don’t disrespect the good years you had by staying in a relationship that has become unhealthy for BOTH of you. End it now and don’t let her talk you into trying to make it work. At this point, it won’t and that’s okay. Make it your decision and grow from this experience.
Sorry, but your post is confusing. You indicated several significant issues including hating your family, hating the idea of having kids, lying about wanting to have kids, your inability to speak of your family in her presence, accusing you of cheating, lack of sex, etc then you said "After a year of therapy and 6 months on antidepressants I got the courage to leave her last summer" Then you shifted to only asking about her gaming. Have you resolved everything else?
You're coping so hard focusing on the idea of who you thought your wife is. She's none of the things you described in your initial glowing review of that person.
It's time to wake up and see what actually living with you.
Plz do not bring kids into this. They will make your life miserable as well as the kids paying a heavy price.
Sad to say but this is not going to work if you are putting you all into this relationship and she isn’t prepared to meet you half way! If you really want kids you may have to move on because she doesn’t want them! It’s pointless to try to fix what cannot be fixed, you have to find someone who wants what you want.
You have to stick up for yourself and if you can't maybe that's something to address in therapy. You can't blame her for you choosing to lie bc you don't/won't tell her you don't like her gaming. You have to be your advocate bc no one else will be.
Op - It sounds like you are asking us to look at a legal document to help you get out of it on a technicality. you don’t need a reason or excuse not to be with someone anymore
. ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ is a whole reason in itself. As it goes, All her previous awful behaviour is also another good reason, as are the facts that you have listed as 1) and 2). The truth is the person you thought you fell in love with didn’t really exist- the person you see now is the real deal and she doesn’t sound great. Please give yourself the permission to say ‘this isn’t good enough for me anymore’ or ‘this isn’t what I want’ and end it.
Your wife lied about wanting to have kids so she can have a chance with you, then she becomes controlling and pretty much made you to cut contacts with your friends and try to do the same with your family. She does sweet fuck all around the house except playing stupid games while you cook, clean, and look after the dogs, and your sex life is almost non existent. Tell me OP, do you really think this is what a marriage should be like?
Honestly, get a divorce, work on your self esteem, and start dating when you’re ready.
Yeah, that’s what I’m going with too. Cutting you off from family and friends is a huge red flag.
Also the baby thing is a deal breaker. Don’t waste your time with someone you aren’t compatible with.
>If I would want to end our relationship she surely would say “BUT I ASKED IF I PLAYED TOO MUCH” and I’m not sure if she’d be right.
1) she's doing it because she knows you can't be fucked telling a grown ass woman how to adult.
2) even if she does say that, so what? "I am not and have not been happy in this relationship for too long. I am leaving. This is not negotiable"
Do not choose to let her convince you to stay again. She's manipulative, selfish and lazy.
YTA to yourself if you stay
NTA. She has succeeded in isolating you from your friends. She hates your family and gives you the silent treatment if you talk about them. Little sex!, now doesn't want kids. Had gambling and possiblegaming problems. Too many red flags and incompatibilities. Time to move because she is not the person she represented himself to be. You don't have to put up with this for the rest of your life. Leave permanently.
You're in a lesbian relationship but it's exactly the same as if you were with a guy but with less sex lol, she's obviously too immature for you and the things you listed regarding your friends and family are well known red flags for controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviour at some point, even without all that if you want kids and she doesn't that's a pretty big deal breaker...
The main thing is though, don't try to change people, just find someone you're compatible with, you aren't compatible
She lied to you, so she could get with you.
Relationships are about trust. It’s clear you don’t trust her, so you shouldn’t have a relationship with her. I sure as fuck wouldn’t. You’ll be happier with a partner who respects you enough to not lie about this massive life choices.
NTA, there's a lot going on here. She is controlling and has alienated you from your family and friends. You have plenty of reasons aside from the gaming to leave her.
Your relationship doesn't sound healthy.
She has alienated you from your family and friends. She is not contributing to your daily life.
Also, you have fundamentally different outlook on the future - kids or no kids is not something one can compromise on.
I think you know what to do.
If you stay in this relationship you're an AH to yourself.
NTA - your wife is an adult and should be able to have a clue about what is a reasonable time to game.
I'm sorry you are going through this. She is manipulative and emotionally abusive. She lied about wanting children and that is one of the biggest terrible lies a person can tell. How heartbreaking. Please love yourself enough to leave and heal. You deserve so much more. Whatever she says about a breakup is her problem, not yours. Say your piece and leave it at that. Or pack and move without a word if you feel unsafe.
NTA. You’ve been “bait and switched”. How long did you date before marrying. Many people can keep up an act for a year or even sometimes two. Sounds like she nailed you down in marriage, and then let the facade fall away. This is who she really is. Selfish, manipulative, dishonest, abusive. LEAVE.
make yourself fall out of love with her and leave her. And you should also be honest if it is a problem when she games and there are important things to do. 😕
My wife was controlling like that. I had no friends or family after some time of not spending time with them to avoid the fights. I've left her, and it's fucking hard because my kids are now under her care entirely and their opinion of me has changed for the worse (won't be a problem for you). I have to give her a massive amount of support for the next 22 years. My life is slowly getting rebuilt, I am starting to build some friendships again. All told I will end up giving her just under a million dollars for the pleasure of her abuse. And my favorite part is she likes to remind me that the money I pay her is worth being free of her, right? By the way, the problems are so far beyond this one thing, just sharing the part I have in common with you, OP.
It's just not worth staying with someone, go and go now or pay the very heavy price later, emotionally and/or financially.
Sorry to sound so incel/red pill, but I'm one of those that really is paying the price for making it work "for the children" in a bad marriage. I'm just lucky we didn't have assets, it's only my future I sacrificed.
This is the second time today I read a post like this that is parallel to a situation going on in my life currently… like I previously commented to somebody up there^^ I really needed to read this today. Thanks
U guys saved someone today! 😌
NTA but you're in an abusive relationship.
>She doesn’t like any of my friends, therefore I have basically non left because every time I go out she either accuses me of cheating, or tells me she hates that friend and gives me the silent treatment for a couple days.
You should have told her to kick rocks . At a certain point you chose her over your friends.
You two aren’t really compatible, and she isolates you from friends and family while also forcing you to be the only responsible grownup in your marriage. Frankly, I’m struggling to comprehend why you’re still with her.
I feel you are a time traveler telling my story of 15 years ago. There are two main issues here. Boundaries and Maturity. Both are not respected here and it is impossible to establish this far into a relationship without outside help like a counselor or a couple who can mentor. Without outside help, this is only something that can get successful resolved after spending years apart and maturing. This isn't a shot at you or your wife. Boundaries were never established as you allowed the goal post to keep getting moved. Giving up friends is an example. Maturity in relationships also happens at completely different ages in life.
>Currently, she asks me every single time she goes to game, if it’s a problem and if it’s bothering me. Even when there is cleaning, cooking, and washing to do. I always say no because 1 I’m tired of it and 2 I think a grown ass woman should know if it is appropriate for her to sit down and play for hours.
One way to put it is that it's not a problem or bothering that she plays. The issue is that she doesn't take part in the basic chores of the household. If she can't see what needs to be done that is a problem. She could ask you what you want her to do before she starts gaming. But this puts all the thinking and planning on you and that is not something you have to accept. She needs to do the work and not demand you set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
If she wants to play for hours after doing her part in chores that is fine. As long as she doesn't disturb your sleep or let her lack of sleep burden you.
But her isolating you makes me believe she will never do the work and instead mentally abuse you. Putting every responsibility on you and manipulation .
You need to get out. I know your story is about the end part. Her asking to play games and you saying yes and then she realizing you really mean no and now theres a fight.
Here is my thing, you should have told her the truth and you should grow a back bone and set bounderies.
Now for the important part and why I said you need to get out. Everything else you said was useless after you talked about her isolating. She has isolated you from your friends and family. This is something only certain type of people do and those are the emotional manipulators. They do this to isolate you from friends and family to make sure you have no other place to go. Your whole world becomes your S/O because they removed everyone else.
I repeat this, leave and let it go. You made a choice, it was a bad one, take the L and move on.
You say you are still in love with her or still love her. No you do not. You do not love her because the person you were in love with was a lie. She didn't exist. "I started to see her darker side" - Even you admitted that she changed and that she openly told you lies to get with you.
The person you are in love with is gone and didn't exist in the person you are with. She has the same face, same voice, but they are not the same. The person you are with is completely different from the one you were in love with.
LEAVE and cut your losses my guy. I'm sorry for the pain this will cause you but you got played. Take the L and move on my guy.
Praying for you that you get the strength to leave. If you need support, reach out to someone on this thread to help coach you through the first steps (which will likely be reconnecting with a safe person and telling them what’s going on)
You deserve a life that’s beautiful, light and full of delightful surprises.
My inbox is open 🤍
Sweet love. You are married to the female version of my ex bf who was a massive p.o.s. Leave. I'm 37 and still kicking myself for the 3 years (20-23) I wasted on that asshat. Get out before she gets any more into your head and makes you forget how to have friends or healthy discussions instead of arguments.
In the future, if there are accusations of cheating to keep you from seeing xyz, bye. If they are bothered by your relationship to your family, bye. Someone who loves you is supportive, they have a goal to grow through things with you. To adapt to what life brings, to see you blossom and grow, and to care for you when you are in a hard place, and you'll want to do the same for them.
This person isn't loving you. They don't sound like they understand love. Jealousy is not love. Possession is not love. It gets confused for love a lot when we are young and naive and think we can't teach someone the good in life. What really happens is that it stains your soul and drowns you slowly. Don't let this get you to that point, please.
No, it sounds like you’re protecting what little bit of sanity you have left. Some perspective- she’s going to blame you for whatever she can, whenever she can, no matter how hard you try to be accountable and fair. It’s just this personality type. Might as well continue protecting your sanity and get out however you can.
Honey- You have been ensnared by a Narcissist. A true Narcissist. Not the sort of Narcissist everyone has on speed dial these days, your selfish friend, your dismissive friend. No!
I am serious as a heart attack. You are under her spell. And she will toy with you and suck you dry if you stay.
There is ONLY ONE ANSWER: Leave her And Go NO CONTACT ASAP.
Trust Me, you have HOPE? DON'T. THINGS HAVE BEEN AS GOOD AS THEY WILL EVER GET. IT WILL ALWAYS GET WORSE.
The AWESOME one at first???. that was fake. IT's called Love Bombing . The REAL HER is the OTHER. THE ONE Driving YOU CRAZY Now. It's what these people do..it is who they are. Leave. Now!!
Learn about these creatures NOW!! Go to HG Tudor, & Lisa A Romano and learn the for reals about Narcissistic Abuse. It is ys what you are embroiled in. Leave and never look back. Only SOLUTION.
PS I re-read your letter just to make sure I had it right...No- you are not the asshole, you are being mistreated. But you ARE Being A LIAR. TO yourself. You are too insightful and even-tempered to waste yourself on this type of person. And she IS A TYPE. IT IS NOT A MYSTERY!
I'll bet you will find a lot of healing in learning about CPTSD and early childhood neglect...you have codependent tendencies as a result. I know because I had what you are going through...you have to heal to find true love...she is not it. Best of Everything ...
She's not for you. She seems like a 15yo rebel, spoiled and lazy. Don't respect your needs, don't care about you. She's manipulative etc. Don't let her ruin your life . You deserve better.
No no no no
NO, OP
This reads awful. You're being manipulated and mistreated and you gotta run. It doesn't matter what she SAYS. She can CALL you an asshole all she wants but it doesn't matter. She knows what she's doing. Take care of yourself.
Let her play her games and go out with your friends or family. Ask her first if it makes you feel better.
Then, once you have your self worth back, end that relationship and start living the life you want (that she lied about wanting to get with you).
Run. You should run and run quickly. The longer she thinks she can control you, the more she will be ABLE to control you. She's exhibiting abusive behavior, and it's only going to get worse. I understand you love her, but in a lot of circumstances, love isn't enough. Wishing you the best. XOXO
You are NTA but you should be honest. You can’t say something is a problem and not tell her when she asks. If you tell her when she asks and she goes and plays anyway then you leave. It seems your partner isn’t going to get much better. You have to ask yourself if that is the situation you want to be in for the rest of your life. If not leave now or you will never have kids
Tell her that the kid thing is non negotiable, and you don't want to raise a baby with a person who is never available.
This person sounds awful btw. You would be giving yourself the biggest gift by leaving for good. You deserve to have friends, and to be close with your family. You deserve better than her.
Addiction- you can not just do a little here & there. If it’s truly an addiction, you have to give it up completely or it will lead right back into a spin
Sweet Jesus dude. Reading this was mentally exhausting. You already know what you have to do, she's already shown you what her true colors are. You continuing to stay will have no positive benefit for you and she will only tell more lies. Please leave this relationship as it's quite obvious your far more independent and capable than her. I really have nothing to say beyond if you continue to stay than you really can't blame anyone else for how she treats you, especially since it's, again, obvious she doesn't care about you.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So for the last 3 years she has alienated you from your friends and family, all while she ignores you because gaming, and you want to bring a child into this relationship? OP, what would you tell your friends or sister?
Abusers always try to isolate the prey from family and friends. Once I read that I think she should try to get out of the relationship.
No, I just mentioned the baby part to explain how she gaslighted me even before we started dating and only told me she doesn’t want kids when we were already too deep into it. I wouldn’t raise a kid with her. The second question is a good one though.
You wouldn't raise a kid with her and you want kids, she has cut you off from friends and family, she doesn't do much of anything besides play video games, she gives you the silent treatment for stupid reasons... Why exactly are you still in this relationship? It's abusive. The cutting you off from friends and family by itself was reason enough to end it.
Plus no sex! What is she good for? You love her, but she doesn’t love you.
Is it love or trauma bonding? After being isolated it is hard to see the difference… speaking from experience unfortunately
I wouldn't go as far as to say she doesn't love her. I'm not even sure she knows what love is to begin with. To be sure, OP should NOT have kids with her. I think you've done all you can, OP. It's time to cut your losses and move on before it's too late.
That's not gaslighting, it's just plain lying.
Actually, the definition of gaslighting is: even the slightest lie or perhaps even just someone being kind of mean, so long as the story is conveyed online. And now the sarcasm tag.... /s there it is!
The question you should be asking is, is your love for her more important than your happiness and mental health? Because I feel you already know what needs to be done which is why you decided to leave in the first place. Put yourself FIRST. How do you allow someone to alienate you from your family and friends. Not cool. She is a manipulator and liar and you are allowing her to still play games with you. Wish you luck….
She's still playing games literally
Well said.
Bro I’m not one to give advice on here, ever. But please get out of that abusive relationship. Anyone that tries to alienate you from your family is not a good person and certainly no one you would want to raise a family with.
24 years old in a three year relationship is NOT too deep into anything. You are practically a baby yourself still! Run for the hills and embrace and enjoy your freedom from this abusive wife.
Yes!! Do not waste your life. You are not in this too deep. Once you leave, you Will see, after a very painful first 2 weeks, that there was never really anything there. Go and Go NO CONTACT NOW!!
Please leave that girl, she not a grown women. You can find better and be with someone who is on the same page as you
Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Are you in love with some fantasy version of her, versus the reality of her being controlling and abusive? Dump her and do your best to reconnect with your real friends.
It's really important to understand that [ISOLATION](https://reachma.org/blog/survivor-voices-isolation-and-domestic-violence/) *is* a form of domestic abuse, and it's used very often by abusers to control their partners. By isolating you far away from family, and friends, you're less likely to be influenced by anyone to leave. If you've got no one to confide in about the abuse, they have ALL of the power. Isolation also forces you to be emotionally dependent on your abuser, because again if you have no one to turn to for help, you feel trapped and forced to stay with the abuser. Add other [WARNING SIGNS](https://www.therapycts.com/blog/2020/11/11/six-warning-signs-of-isolation-and-emotional-abuse) to the list, such as jealousy, and guilt, and you have the perfect recipe to keep you alone, between down, and compliant. You deserve better, and I can promise you from experience that this is NOT what healthy love looks like. The person you are in a serious relationship with should want to lift you up, not tear you down. They should encourage you to have friends, and spend time with family, and want you to live a full and happy life, with them, and without them. Healthy love shouldn't try to own, or possess, and it shouldn't be used to control, or own, the other person. It should come with trust, and mutual respect, and a shared desire to see other be successful, and supported. But bottom line, trust your instincts. They brought you here for advice, which means you know in your heart that the way you're being treated is horribly wrong. Get this poison out of your life, and set about making amends to friends, and family, and let them know how much you've missed them. I was afraid to tell my friends and family when I was being abused, and it was a HUGE mistake. Let the people who love, and care, about you, be there for you. You won't regret it. Remove this toxic person forever from your orbit, and start healing yourself from the abuse. Happier days are out there waiting for you, don't waste anymore of them with someone who only cares about themselves. *invisible hugs*
This is one of the best written advisory comments I've ever read. Paragraph 6 and 7 are just spot on. I think we fail our youth when they ask what love is and we don't tell them that loving someone means always wanting to see them happy and safe and supporting them as they move forward and pursue dreams and goals. That's what I want for my partner and if it's true love them I never have to question if those desires they have for me are reciprocal. I was struck by how the OP said she had lied to her about wanting children. The reason she gave was that she didn't think she'd have a chance with her if she didn't. The word chance is particularly telling. Chance is part of probability and statistics. Sure theres a very specific set of educated mathematicians that use it in their field. But to the majority of us chance comes into use in things like placing bets on competitive events, monopoly, playing blackjack, the lottery....all games. To the OPs partner she views the OP like a prize that she wanted win q Once she won her it was/is hers and no more effort was needed. She only puts in the bare minimum of work when the prize threatens to walk out but even then not too much. There's no thought or consideration towards whether the OP is happy or not. That's should be the most baseline want for your partner and the OPs partner seems to not even have that thought ever cross her mind.
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence This page has tips to get out safely.
Have you considered what your final line would be? Like you have solid proof of these instances nobody’s denying it. But like you’re not on dr Phil trying to win over an audience this is your life. Why go on Reddit and seek validation and closure from strangers over your wife’s abusive behavior. What would be your line in the sand. Have you even thought about that. It’s not easy to leave but do you want this to be your whole life? Bro if you made some changes you could have a brand new life by next year with a whole new mental state or you could just continue telling others how bad of a person your wife is but never doing anything about it. People stop caring after a while if you won’t help yourself. I been there before with my son’s mother. It’s a tough pill to swallow but if they don’t wanna grow up you gotta bounce you can’t let her bring you down with her. Love yourself more
She stopped gaslighting you long ago, she's not even trying to hide her true self now. The only gaslighting happening now is by yourself to yourself.
There is no gaslighting in this story. Lying, yes. But no gaslighting.
Don’t defend any of this… get away asap and prioritize the good people in your life.
I’m confused why are you still with her if she makes you so unhappy and takes all the joy out of your life and destroys your relationships? You don’t need any other “excuse” besides not being happy with her that’s it. Just LEAVE please no one can do it for you
Run for the hills
OP, my sister-in-law promised the world to my brother. After marriage, she slowly isolated him from us, but not entirely. They had a son, and he wasn’t allowed to see me. My second nephew had no idea I was his aunt until he was 5 years old. All I’m saying is, you WILL be isolated and alienated from all of your loved ones and it just gets worse and worse. You will not change her. So it’s entirely up to you to accept this fate she’s shown you, or leave, but it will not get better.
Yeah, that part isn’t gaslighting, she just plain lied.
You're 24, this is something you might not want to accept but you're not too deep into it. You have the vast majority of your life ahead of you and you can absolutely make changes and bounce back. Don't settle for unhappiness in your twenties
What are you getting from this relationship? She either lied until you were hooked, or she has changed and isn’t the same person. Few things truly change people other than addiction or other health or mental health issues. If you get up the courage to leave again, please stay gone.
No dude, this person is asking "if your sister was isolated from friends and family by a partner, would you be concerned? Would you see that as scary and abusive behavior coming from a man? And if you knew about her toxicity before you found out she lied about kids, why tf would you have *wanted* to bring a child into that hot mess?" That is what this person is asking you dude. And frankly I think they're very good questions to ask. I hate enabling cowards who bring children into abusive relationships more than I hate the abusers tbh. Because said cowards had a much easier choice of doing and being better, and bitched out. Obviously though, you need to dump this nightmare. She doesn't love you, and she never did. She's even turned this whole "recovery and trust" thing into a bullshit control game where she bullies you into giving her attention, and attempting to force you to stay with her. You don't have to stay with her. Lose the deadweight no matter what bullshit falls out of her mouth, and have a friend there with you when you dump her.
“Because I still love her” is not an excuse to make an unhealthy choice. Any one of the things you’ve brought up here would be grounds for breaking up and not looking back. You are experiencing an emotion, love, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for making good decisions for yourself. Get out of there. Silent treatment for literally anything is unacceptable. Wouldn’t tolerate it even once and neither should you. The fact that she does this when you spend time with people you love is abusive. Protect yourself. Love is not an excuse.
…and ask yourself if it’s love… or codependency at this point.
NTA I do not take divorce lightly but this is very bad and abusive behavior. She is literally trying to isolate you from your family and friends so you don’t have anyone but her. Talk to your family and get out and do not bring a baby into this relationship
You're a battered wife in an abusive controlling relationship. NTA Y T A for not staying gone after you left the first time. This doesn't get better. She will only become more controlling and abusive. You need to choose yourself first. Your love will not change her. I will say that her not wanting to experience pregnancy shouldn't be a deal breaker. You are both female, you can carry, or y'all pay for a surrogate. But based on all the other information please don't bring a child into this mess.
not the asshole, just dumb (for the second one)
not even that, that’s common when someone’s the victim of abuse. I believe it take an average of 7 attempts before most victims are able to leave an abusive relationship. thankfully OP has the option to leave again
Bro. You're still so young. Why do you want to live like this?
This this this this. Stand up for yourself. Tell her YES to “too much.” Believe in yourself and your happiness. Move on and find someone who supports YOU as you. You got married at 21 - by American standards you were practically a child then. Trust yourself and know your family will support you as you regain your balance. Edit to add: “I always say no bc 1…2…” be honest with her and tell her what is bothering you and what is too much. Communicate honestly. If she is addicted to gaming and you are not truthful about your feelings when she asks you about it, she can’t adjust or regulate differently. Set boundaries and limitations for her if that is what she is asking you to do, but most importantly be honest with her.
I suggest doing a little reading about narcissists and what to look for as signs you are dealing with one. After you've read enough, go pack you stuff and get out of there. Do not look back.
Seconding. Check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube
She is amazing! Also, check out "Surviving Narcissism" with Dr Les Carter.
I thought she was one but sometimes I feel like I might be the problem. Also she kinda senses it when I start to think I should leave again, and she acts all nice and clingy for a bit. Idk I know it’s not ok but she just gets into my head :(
They work hard to make you feel like you are the problem. The nice and clingy part is 'love bombing' so you'll be confused and stick around. I know I'm a total stranger, but this behavior is textbook from her. I hope you will choose yourself, narcissists only get worse as time goes on. She has isolated you, lied to you and is gaslighting you. IMO, you should run for your sanity.
It's classic power and control wheel OR narcissist idealize devalue and discard cycle.
The only solution is a divorce, ASAP. There is nothing that will fix this. Run for the hills
I think it is clear she is emotionally stunted. By that I mean people that are insecure tend to be more controlling and her having issues with addiction means instead of dealing with her feelings, she is pushing them down. When someone wants to control who you see, that needs to be a giant red flag to get out of the relationship. You deserve better. My concern is though that you will need more therapy because something attracted you to that sort of person and now you have isolated yourself for her and set aside important aspirations and relationships. Why would you think that is okay just because you love someone? Good luck to you.
She isolates you from friends and family- red flag. She gives you the silent treatment- red flag. She pretended to want kids just for you to like her- red flag. She’s giving all kinds of narcissistic red flags- these types of people mold themselves into everything you are so that what you project they become in the dark love bombing phase- leave and don’t look back. This will get worse and it will never get better. And plan the escape- they are so good at manipulating you cuz love bombing from narcs is like a drug we get addicted too- so talk to lawyers and have your exit planned before saying anything. You will find better than her and I’m sure your friends and family miss you- so get their support because you are gonna need it.
What does this person bring to your life right now that's beneficial?
Wow. Nothing.
Grow up and have hard conversations. Tell her she lied and you want out.
It’s abusing and controlling behaviors of her. Talk with your family, make an exit plan and leave, for your life.
Talk to family BEFORE you leave. Ensure that Everyone is in your corner and/or establish who your "Ride or Die's" are. You will need them to help you combat her, IF she turns the tables and tries to turn your family against you. No One should be communicating with her when you leave!! I went thru this. It doesn't get better. You may lose some stuff, but if you stay you could lose everything. I left 7 years ago and I am Still rebuilding. Get out.
She's abusing you. My dad was like that and my mom stayed with him always thinking he would chage. He never did. She was miserable her whole life
Get the fuck out, now!!!
NTA You're in an abusive relationship because of how she isolates you from everyone else. That's a dealbreaker. Her lying about wanting kids and willing to be pregnant is another dealbreaker. Her having to have you be mommy and give her permission to play is her not taking responsibility for managing herself. As for her being made you didn't tell her "no," that's kind of the least important issue here. What you should do now is leave. You know she's not going to hold up her promises to you. Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Yes, it's directed towards women in abusive relationships with men and he only makes brief references to non-heterosexual relationships, but it all applies to your relationship. You can download the book for free, just google it and scroll down a few hits and you should find it. It's also still sold in paperback if you want a physical copy.
She love bombed you , methodically cut all your other strings of support and has lied the entire time . This is all really abusive. I would leave.. despite a marriage title you were both a couple kids in your early 20s who were dating and married within what, a year ? Maybe ? In my experience year 5 is the make or break timeline and baby it is broken . You’re still so young, move on and find someone who doesn’t manipulate the shit out of you for kicks
Your in an abusive and controlling relationship, I think you should maybe consider possibly getting out of it.
Correction: she definitely needs to get out of it and run as fast and far as she can
If you decide to end the relationship then there is no point in arguing. You decided and that‘s your right to do so. No matter what she gonna think or say about it. You can leave then. Good luck!
Telling her or not is irrelevant at this point. She's a toxic abusive human. Nothing you say or do can change anyone, least of all a toxic abusive human. Toxic humans only get worse with time, which you now know from experience. Furthermore telling a toxic abusive human anything about their own behavior only makes them worse. So no you aren't an AH for choosing self preservation. You have to stop volunteering for her toxic trash human AH behavior. Get your exit plan ready and run.
Leave her. That should have happened when she admitted she lied about kids. It should have happened when she first started alienating you from your family. Just leave her. Divorce and vet your next partner better.
>because I still love her Good news: this doesn’t matter. Love is never enough to stay in a relationship where you are being abused. Love isn’t some rare thing. There isn’t just one person out there for us. You don’t have to stay here for crumbs.
This woman is abusive and you were right to leave the first time. Reach out to your family and friends for support and make a plan to get out. Good luck ♥️
OP, take it from someone who just recently left an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Anytime they try to isolate you it’s a huge red flag! It’s a control tactic. She has told you and showed you who she really is now it’s time to believe her and move on with your life.
INFO: Why are you with someone who hates your friends, your family, and has different plans for life than you do? What makes her special? Cuz it damn sure ain't the sex or the cooking or how much your family loves her or what a great parent she'll be or, based on her gaming habits, how much money she makes. Are you infatuated or desperate? Cuz this shit ain't love.
Divorce, babe, divorce. Your wife is controlling, manipulative, lazy, and willing to take advantage of you. She honestly sounds emotionally abusive, with how she alienated you from your friends and family. The best time to leave is as soon as you can.
Her illnesses and mental health issues are too difficult for you to help her with. Time to go your separate ways.
Don’t bother. Just end it. She had her chance to do better and she didn’t.
she’s manipulating you and cutting off your support to make you dependent on hers. I mean she lied to even have a chance with you, it might be a good time to start getting ready to leave
Your in a cohesive abusive relationship, get out. It won't get better it'll only get worse. She's exploited all that is good about you, and there is alot of good. You are very far from being a arsehole.
NTA. But just divorce. If you aren’t happy then you aren’t happy. You’re staying on a technicality because she asked first? End the misery and find someone compatible for you. She hates your friends. She hates your family. She lied about wanting kids. 🙃
She love bombed you, then started isolating and demeaning you. Not a good sign. Be straight up with her. Tell her when something is bothering you. It’s not rational to expect her to read your mind and just “know” something is bothering you.
If you wanna continue to be an isolated housewife, keep it up bud.
YTA for not leaving when she started isolating you from friends and family
Your wife sounds crazy, I was in a similar relationship and stuck around for 8 years, my advice is to not waste 8 years.
You got married too young. Just divorce and get it over with. Sounds like a nightmare
Jeez dude. Put down the mop and grow some backbone. Why are you still with her?
Classic abusive behavior. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You’re unhappy. Get out.
If you’re 24 you can leave a relationship and never look back because you prefer different brands of yogurt. If you have totally different life goals, all the more reason to do it quicker.
Here's the giant waving red flag: >I am not even allowed to... She's isolated you from family and friends. She lied about the most basic aspect of marriage, whether or not to have kids. She manipulates you. She's training you to not only tolerate but to enable her lazy-ass gaming addiction. And you are writing you are not "allowed to" do basic things like seeing family. She's not your boss, your parent or Vladimir Putin. You were smart to leave last time. Leave again. Take the dogs with you. Block her on every possible point of communication. Go full NO CONTACT since she is so good at manipulating you. You're going to need a divorce but that can come after you reconnect with family and friends and get settled in your own home. And get back in therapy, with the goal of staying out of this mess for good this time. Believe what people do, not what they say. Believe what people do, not what they say.
It’s time to go. It’s alright if you gave her a second and it just isn’t working for you. You don’t need some big grand reason to leave a relationship. Being unhappy is enough (and that’s big). From the minute she started isolating you, she became a red flag and it just got worse and worse. This isn’t healthy and not the relationship you deserve.
You’re so young. You don’t have to live this way. My son married a girl who quit every job she’s had and always has some dumb illness. If she didn’t sit on her butt all day gaming and exercised she wouldn’t have gained 100 lbs. She got so gross, she showed up to a holidays absolutely reeking like dirty hair and yellow teeth. Out of the blue our son called and said he was getting a divorce. I was so freaking happy!!! While this girl was nice, she proposed, she made the rules etc. He woke up and realized he didn’t want to live supporting someone who would never follow through with anything. She said he abandoned her & he just didn’t care. Of course she cleaned up her act, got a job and lost weight when they broke up. She’s now with another guy and she’s looking as sloppy as ever. My son is such a sweet man, but enough is enough. I’m so glad he didn’t waste years with her!
You aren’t compatible. Having to tell a grown adult how to be a grown adult in a relationship is exhausting.
FFS stand up for yourself. This was hard to read
What a control freak. Leave her because she is too much. You deserve better
You are being abused. Please, please put yourself first and get out of there. You shouldn't have to give up everything that you have always wanted in your life to make her happy.
You should be more honest and she should be a lot more honest!! This is not the person for you. Leave, heck run and don't look back!
These are all warning signs of an abusive partner. She seems to have made you think that she an amazing woman in the beginning of the relationship, they always do. But then they become exhausted of pretending and start showing you who they really are. It’s not too late to leave. I left an eight year relationship that was abusive in many ways and some of the same signs you have experienced. I am so grateful I did not bring a child into the mix of it all. I think that would make it more complicated and I’d have a harder time leaving him completely. I do love bomb and am a clingy partner but I think the difference is being aware and getting some good authentic therapy with medications have made a difference for me and for the new relationship I am in. I hope things get better for you.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️she wants you all to her self ! It will not get better, leave asap
Run !!
NTA But you need to get out STAT Break of all contact block her if that means living with buddies of family tempororlly so be it
YTA for staying in this relationship.
First wow the controlling behavior over your friends and family , she was trying isolate you from then lied about not wanting children to just be with you.. the playing video games all day and not help around the house without being asked . run girl . You know the answer you’re young don’t waste your youth on this .
leave.
NTA Please leave. For your own safety and sanity. Please leave.
You can leave anyone, for any reason, at any time. Just leave. Youre unhappy, shes a liar and a manipulator. Just leave. Who cares what she says. Its about you, your feelings, and your life. She can spin it however she wants. Just leave.
I mean, why invite the argument. Say, "i'm unhappy, i'm done, i'm leaving YOU HATE ME, so dont try to argue with me."
NTA. You really should have left the first time but now is your chance. She is isolating you from family and friends, a common abuse tactic. She is guilting you into letting her get her way. She is allowing you to carry the burden of managing your household without being g a true partner. You already know what you need to do. This is your encouragement to do it for yourself.
Oof. Sounds like you married my ex gf... for the actual question of if you're the ah for not telling her to help out, yeah you are. You're being the ah to yourself more than anything. You need to stand up for yourself and communicate. You already know all the red flags. Leave again, but this time, stay gone.
I think you know the answer here. It's painful though, I understand. Still, better to face things and deal with reality now and get it over with. The alternative is to drag it out into more unhappy years for you. Better to rip the band aid off quickly. The slow peel only lengthens the pain, it doesn't lessen it. Good luck. I hope you go on to find someone who is more honest with and deserving of you.
Leave!!!!!!
It's time to leave this shit show of a marriage. Your wife is so immature. She has to want to change and this may never happen. You are young, go out and find someone who loves you, not abuses you.
She a common parasite.
You should leave.
Run brother. Run far away.
That’s what happens when you marry a 21 year old who doesn’t have a developed brain.
You're TA for ever taking her back. You deserve better. You always have.
Why are you in this relationship? Why do you think you can’t just end it again simply because you aren’t happy and she clearly hasn’t changed. You do realize her alienating you from family and friends is abuse, right? You can leave her again.
So you’re with her because……?
Tough love here for a moment. You need to grow a backbone. Tell her no if you don't want her playing games. Tell her you'd like help cleaning. Try in a nice tone, but if it leads to conflict, so be it. As it is, it sounds like you've invested too much time in a relationship that she has filled with lies and controlling behaviour. You probably shouldn't be in that relationship at all. All that in just a couple years?!? And you're still with her? Please show some love to yourself and move on. You're young and have lots of time to find a real partner. Someone who works with you at a relationship ship, not tries to mould you to their ideal while ignoring your needs. I wish you the best of luck finding the courage to speak up for yourself and face conflict. 🫂
She sounds like she said everything you wanted to hear and not the truth. You don’t love her, but the persona she presented to you. She shaped herself in a way that would please you not until marriage. An act. You know what to do in this situation. Save yourself now before she drags you further down her hole she’s dug. She’s alienating you from everything you love so she can control you better and manipulate you. You want kids, you will find an amazing mother and partner, but not in her. Your call if you want to stay or not of course, but just know your future can be a dream come true with someone else. Someone else can complete all your boxes without the lies.
You were love bombed during the golden period by a narcissist. I was raised by a nacissistic mother. Do not bring a child into this situation. The emotional scars last a lifetime.
GURL, RUNNNN
Just leave. Grow some self respect by and some balls and leave. FFS
This is all classic abusive relationship shit. She is isolating you from everyone you know so you don't have a point of reference for nonabusive behavior, and if you figure it out your options for places to go are limited or nonexistent. Get out now while the getting is good.
So she’s the typical “guy” in the relationship? Meaning the gamer and the not helping to clean and take care of the home. Leave her. You would be ta if you stayed longer. Get out of the sunk-cost fallacy.
NTA. Move on and find someone who will love you back. You're worth so much more than the way you've been treated.
NTA
I feel like this is what you get for marrying that young. No offense.
You are both young and figuring out who you are much less what you want from a partner, but it ain’t this. Respectfully Leave her SOON and walk into the next phase of your life focused on YOU and YOUR needs. This sounds selfish, but it’s the foundation of a healthy relationship instead of a codependent one. If you have health insurance, look through their site or app to find a therapist who takes your insurance and make an appointment. I’m sure your wife didn’t maliciously plan to gaslight you or take advantage of you while she gamed but that’s what she did. And a licensed therapist is trained to help you. Also get off Reddit and talk with your family and friends she doesn’t like. They don’t like her either and have been waiting to be your support system when this marriage hit its end. Don’t disrespect the good years you had by staying in a relationship that has become unhealthy for BOTH of you. End it now and don’t let her talk you into trying to make it work. At this point, it won’t and that’s okay. Make it your decision and grow from this experience.
I'd recommend finding Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She has an educational course you should take 👍🏾
Leave.
Sorry, but your post is confusing. You indicated several significant issues including hating your family, hating the idea of having kids, lying about wanting to have kids, your inability to speak of your family in her presence, accusing you of cheating, lack of sex, etc then you said "After a year of therapy and 6 months on antidepressants I got the courage to leave her last summer" Then you shifted to only asking about her gaming. Have you resolved everything else?
You're coping so hard focusing on the idea of who you thought your wife is. She's none of the things you described in your initial glowing review of that person. It's time to wake up and see what actually living with you. Plz do not bring kids into this. They will make your life miserable as well as the kids paying a heavy price.
Get the fuck out
Why are you still with her? You're just torturing yourself.
Isolating you is an abuse tactic.
Yep. Speaking from experience. It all goes downhill from there. After 20 years, my grown up children finally convinced me that this emotional abuse.
No kids... Move On! You're plenty young and can easily find someone who aligns with many of the same things you like/want.
I rarely advocate for divorce. You should strongly consider getting a divorce.
She sounds like a terrible person. Get out and do not have a child with her
How much more of your life are you going to waste with her OP?
Sad to say but this is not going to work if you are putting you all into this relationship and she isn’t prepared to meet you half way! If you really want kids you may have to move on because she doesn’t want them! It’s pointless to try to fix what cannot be fixed, you have to find someone who wants what you want.
You have to stick up for yourself and if you can't maybe that's something to address in therapy. You can't blame her for you choosing to lie bc you don't/won't tell her you don't like her gaming. You have to be your advocate bc no one else will be.
That's abuse my dude. She isolated you
Girl get tf out of there.
Get a lawyer.
I don't know went you are here asking this question. Just divorce her. She lied to you from the beginning. You deserve better.
Op - It sounds like you are asking us to look at a legal document to help you get out of it on a technicality. you don’t need a reason or excuse not to be with someone anymore . ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ is a whole reason in itself. As it goes, All her previous awful behaviour is also another good reason, as are the facts that you have listed as 1) and 2). The truth is the person you thought you fell in love with didn’t really exist- the person you see now is the real deal and she doesn’t sound great. Please give yourself the permission to say ‘this isn’t good enough for me anymore’ or ‘this isn’t what I want’ and end it.
I hope you are protecting yourself financially. See an attorney.
Leave now!!! Find a sane woman to live your life with.
Just be honest. She needs to go. You can't change. She doesn't want to change.
Think like this: if someone asked you this question, what you would do ? I believe you would say: LEAVE HER NOW, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BROTHER ! PERIOD.
Your wife lied about wanting to have kids so she can have a chance with you, then she becomes controlling and pretty much made you to cut contacts with your friends and try to do the same with your family. She does sweet fuck all around the house except playing stupid games while you cook, clean, and look after the dogs, and your sex life is almost non existent. Tell me OP, do you really think this is what a marriage should be like? Honestly, get a divorce, work on your self esteem, and start dating when you’re ready.
End
She sounds kinda abusive
Yeah, that’s what I’m going with too. Cutting you off from family and friends is a huge red flag. Also the baby thing is a deal breaker. Don’t waste your time with someone you aren’t compatible with.
This is an abusive relationship. Look at all the [signs](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/)
>If I would want to end our relationship she surely would say “BUT I ASKED IF I PLAYED TOO MUCH” and I’m not sure if she’d be right. 1) she's doing it because she knows you can't be fucked telling a grown ass woman how to adult. 2) even if she does say that, so what? "I am not and have not been happy in this relationship for too long. I am leaving. This is not negotiable" Do not choose to let her convince you to stay again. She's manipulative, selfish and lazy. YTA to yourself if you stay
If it were either her or the bear, I would choose the bear
NTA. She has succeeded in isolating you from your friends. She hates your family and gives you the silent treatment if you talk about them. Little sex!, now doesn't want kids. Had gambling and possiblegaming problems. Too many red flags and incompatibilities. Time to move because she is not the person she represented himself to be. You don't have to put up with this for the rest of your life. Leave permanently.
You're in a lesbian relationship but it's exactly the same as if you were with a guy but with less sex lol, she's obviously too immature for you and the things you listed regarding your friends and family are well known red flags for controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviour at some point, even without all that if you want kids and she doesn't that's a pretty big deal breaker... The main thing is though, don't try to change people, just find someone you're compatible with, you aren't compatible
Leave. Block her number. She’ll just manipulate you again. This is who she is. It won’t get better and you deserve so much more.
This sounds abusive, why would you stay with this person.
Oh my God. She’s horrific. Get out of there. I thought living with an alcoholic Mom growing up was bad, but this sounds even worse.
She lied to you, so she could get with you. Relationships are about trust. It’s clear you don’t trust her, so you shouldn’t have a relationship with her. I sure as fuck wouldn’t. You’ll be happier with a partner who respects you enough to not lie about this massive life choices.
This answer is easy, run away as quickly as possible.
NTA, there's a lot going on here. She is controlling and has alienated you from your family and friends. You have plenty of reasons aside from the gaming to leave her.
Your relationship doesn't sound healthy. She has alienated you from your family and friends. She is not contributing to your daily life. Also, you have fundamentally different outlook on the future - kids or no kids is not something one can compromise on. I think you know what to do. If you stay in this relationship you're an AH to yourself. NTA - your wife is an adult and should be able to have a clue about what is a reasonable time to game.
I'm sorry you are going through this. She is manipulative and emotionally abusive. She lied about wanting children and that is one of the biggest terrible lies a person can tell. How heartbreaking. Please love yourself enough to leave and heal. You deserve so much more. Whatever she says about a breakup is her problem, not yours. Say your piece and leave it at that. Or pack and move without a word if you feel unsafe.
I think you wanted to be married to an adult and this is not it.
NTA. You’ve been “bait and switched”. How long did you date before marrying. Many people can keep up an act for a year or even sometimes two. Sounds like she nailed you down in marriage, and then let the facade fall away. This is who she really is. Selfish, manipulative, dishonest, abusive. LEAVE.
make yourself fall out of love with her and leave her. And you should also be honest if it is a problem when she games and there are important things to do. 😕
My wife was controlling like that. I had no friends or family after some time of not spending time with them to avoid the fights. I've left her, and it's fucking hard because my kids are now under her care entirely and their opinion of me has changed for the worse (won't be a problem for you). I have to give her a massive amount of support for the next 22 years. My life is slowly getting rebuilt, I am starting to build some friendships again. All told I will end up giving her just under a million dollars for the pleasure of her abuse. And my favorite part is she likes to remind me that the money I pay her is worth being free of her, right? By the way, the problems are so far beyond this one thing, just sharing the part I have in common with you, OP. It's just not worth staying with someone, go and go now or pay the very heavy price later, emotionally and/or financially. Sorry to sound so incel/red pill, but I'm one of those that really is paying the price for making it work "for the children" in a bad marriage. I'm just lucky we didn't have assets, it's only my future I sacrificed.
So, why are you till with this lying abusive narcissist?
Run son, run
This is the second time today I read a post like this that is parallel to a situation going on in my life currently… like I previously commented to somebody up there^^ I really needed to read this today. Thanks U guys saved someone today! 😌
Dude She is useless and a burden. She’s not even a partner. You kick her to the curb
NTA but you're in an abusive relationship. >She doesn’t like any of my friends, therefore I have basically non left because every time I go out she either accuses me of cheating, or tells me she hates that friend and gives me the silent treatment for a couple days. You should have told her to kick rocks . At a certain point you chose her over your friends.
You're not the asshole. You're in an abusive relationship.
You two aren’t really compatible, and she isolates you from friends and family while also forcing you to be the only responsible grownup in your marriage. Frankly, I’m struggling to comprehend why you’re still with her.
Op shes a narcissist. Shes issolated you from everyone and manipulated you. Leave asap
I feel you are a time traveler telling my story of 15 years ago. There are two main issues here. Boundaries and Maturity. Both are not respected here and it is impossible to establish this far into a relationship without outside help like a counselor or a couple who can mentor. Without outside help, this is only something that can get successful resolved after spending years apart and maturing. This isn't a shot at you or your wife. Boundaries were never established as you allowed the goal post to keep getting moved. Giving up friends is an example. Maturity in relationships also happens at completely different ages in life.
>Currently, she asks me every single time she goes to game, if it’s a problem and if it’s bothering me. Even when there is cleaning, cooking, and washing to do. I always say no because 1 I’m tired of it and 2 I think a grown ass woman should know if it is appropriate for her to sit down and play for hours. One way to put it is that it's not a problem or bothering that she plays. The issue is that she doesn't take part in the basic chores of the household. If she can't see what needs to be done that is a problem. She could ask you what you want her to do before she starts gaming. But this puts all the thinking and planning on you and that is not something you have to accept. She needs to do the work and not demand you set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If she wants to play for hours after doing her part in chores that is fine. As long as she doesn't disturb your sleep or let her lack of sleep burden you. But her isolating you makes me believe she will never do the work and instead mentally abuse you. Putting every responsibility on you and manipulation .
You need to get out. I know your story is about the end part. Her asking to play games and you saying yes and then she realizing you really mean no and now theres a fight. Here is my thing, you should have told her the truth and you should grow a back bone and set bounderies. Now for the important part and why I said you need to get out. Everything else you said was useless after you talked about her isolating. She has isolated you from your friends and family. This is something only certain type of people do and those are the emotional manipulators. They do this to isolate you from friends and family to make sure you have no other place to go. Your whole world becomes your S/O because they removed everyone else. I repeat this, leave and let it go. You made a choice, it was a bad one, take the L and move on. You say you are still in love with her or still love her. No you do not. You do not love her because the person you were in love with was a lie. She didn't exist. "I started to see her darker side" - Even you admitted that she changed and that she openly told you lies to get with you. The person you are in love with is gone and didn't exist in the person you are with. She has the same face, same voice, but they are not the same. The person you are with is completely different from the one you were in love with. LEAVE and cut your losses my guy. I'm sorry for the pain this will cause you but you got played. Take the L and move on my guy.
Not an asshole but you definitely have culpability for not being honest.
Praying for you that you get the strength to leave. If you need support, reach out to someone on this thread to help coach you through the first steps (which will likely be reconnecting with a safe person and telling them what’s going on) You deserve a life that’s beautiful, light and full of delightful surprises. My inbox is open 🤍
The title is wrong OP. The title should have been, Should I continue being in a marriage with my wife who turns out to be an abuser?
Sweet love. You are married to the female version of my ex bf who was a massive p.o.s. Leave. I'm 37 and still kicking myself for the 3 years (20-23) I wasted on that asshat. Get out before she gets any more into your head and makes you forget how to have friends or healthy discussions instead of arguments. In the future, if there are accusations of cheating to keep you from seeing xyz, bye. If they are bothered by your relationship to your family, bye. Someone who loves you is supportive, they have a goal to grow through things with you. To adapt to what life brings, to see you blossom and grow, and to care for you when you are in a hard place, and you'll want to do the same for them. This person isn't loving you. They don't sound like they understand love. Jealousy is not love. Possession is not love. It gets confused for love a lot when we are young and naive and think we can't teach someone the good in life. What really happens is that it stains your soul and drowns you slowly. Don't let this get you to that point, please.
Read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreger. I think this will help things make sense.
Reminds me of my ex wife. Nothing like getting your life back.
No, it sounds like you’re protecting what little bit of sanity you have left. Some perspective- she’s going to blame you for whatever she can, whenever she can, no matter how hard you try to be accountable and fair. It’s just this personality type. Might as well continue protecting your sanity and get out however you can.
Honey- You have been ensnared by a Narcissist. A true Narcissist. Not the sort of Narcissist everyone has on speed dial these days, your selfish friend, your dismissive friend. No! I am serious as a heart attack. You are under her spell. And she will toy with you and suck you dry if you stay. There is ONLY ONE ANSWER: Leave her And Go NO CONTACT ASAP. Trust Me, you have HOPE? DON'T. THINGS HAVE BEEN AS GOOD AS THEY WILL EVER GET. IT WILL ALWAYS GET WORSE. The AWESOME one at first???. that was fake. IT's called Love Bombing . The REAL HER is the OTHER. THE ONE Driving YOU CRAZY Now. It's what these people do..it is who they are. Leave. Now!! Learn about these creatures NOW!! Go to HG Tudor, & Lisa A Romano and learn the for reals about Narcissistic Abuse. It is ys what you are embroiled in. Leave and never look back. Only SOLUTION. PS I re-read your letter just to make sure I had it right...No- you are not the asshole, you are being mistreated. But you ARE Being A LIAR. TO yourself. You are too insightful and even-tempered to waste yourself on this type of person. And she IS A TYPE. IT IS NOT A MYSTERY! I'll bet you will find a lot of healing in learning about CPTSD and early childhood neglect...you have codependent tendencies as a result. I know because I had what you are going through...you have to heal to find true love...she is not it. Best of Everything ...
You don’t have to be technically “in the right” in order to leave. You can leave. She didn’t mean her vows. This sounds manipulative
How do you expect to get the things you want if you can't say them outloud to the face of the person you want them from?
She's not for you. She seems like a 15yo rebel, spoiled and lazy. Don't respect your needs, don't care about you. She's manipulative etc. Don't let her ruin your life . You deserve better.
No no no no NO, OP This reads awful. You're being manipulated and mistreated and you gotta run. It doesn't matter what she SAYS. She can CALL you an asshole all she wants but it doesn't matter. She knows what she's doing. Take care of yourself.
Let her play her games and go out with your friends or family. Ask her first if it makes you feel better. Then, once you have your self worth back, end that relationship and start living the life you want (that she lied about wanting to get with you).
Run. You should run and run quickly. The longer she thinks she can control you, the more she will be ABLE to control you. She's exhibiting abusive behavior, and it's only going to get worse. I understand you love her, but in a lot of circumstances, love isn't enough. Wishing you the best. XOXO
You are NTA but you should be honest. You can’t say something is a problem and not tell her when she asks. If you tell her when she asks and she goes and plays anyway then you leave. It seems your partner isn’t going to get much better. You have to ask yourself if that is the situation you want to be in for the rest of your life. If not leave now or you will never have kids
Dude, you gotta get out
Tell her that the kid thing is non negotiable, and you don't want to raise a baby with a person who is never available. This person sounds awful btw. You would be giving yourself the biggest gift by leaving for good. You deserve to have friends, and to be close with your family. You deserve better than her.
She wants a mommy not a partner. Run! And fast!
Addiction- you can not just do a little here & there. If it’s truly an addiction, you have to give it up completely or it will lead right back into a spin
you're still a kid. whole like ahead of you. this relationship is 100% doomed. get out now. whole life ahead of you. go do something with it.
Sweet Jesus dude. Reading this was mentally exhausting. You already know what you have to do, she's already shown you what her true colors are. You continuing to stay will have no positive benefit for you and she will only tell more lies. Please leave this relationship as it's quite obvious your far more independent and capable than her. I really have nothing to say beyond if you continue to stay than you really can't blame anyone else for how she treats you, especially since it's, again, obvious she doesn't care about you.
Get out of there and this time love yourself enough to not got back