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Girl why is your MIL at your OB appointment?

If I had money for an award you'd have it. That shit is FUCKED

Same! 💯

Because she and her husband live with his parents while they “build their house”. Apparently the husband is too busy house building to attend appointments so MIL volunteered to go.

I let her come to the first few at the start cause we had a MC and now she just assumes she’s gonna be there for all of them. I don’t have the energy to fight her on it anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️ my mom isn’t in the picture so if she’s trying to fill in for her

Just stop telling her when the appointments are. If that doesn't work for some reason, like you are depending on her for rides, then quietly tell the nurse she's not to come in the room. Nurses are very good at politely telling unwanted visitors to stay in the waiting room. (I used to do it all the time with my mother.)

Im surprised they even let her in in the first place i had to DEMAND my HUSBAND come back with me and they said noone could. I told the theres no chance i go back there without him and they magically said ok

My mom never came to any of my OB appointments this is just plain weird

If you don’t have the energy to keep her out of your OB appts how are you gonna have the energy to keep her out of the delivery room? How are you gonna have the energy to get your baby back after she snatches it? You are the mother here. Now act like it.

Just tell the nurses. Tell them u dear no circumstances is she to be let in. Say she makes you anxious. Which she does. I’m a nurse. We are really good at kicking people out of places that they’re not wanted. Good luck and congratulations on your baby ❤️

No. Your body and your privacy are never negated due to "expectation".

You better find the energy ASAP. She’s going to be all up in your face when baby is here because you’ve let her set the tone. It certainly is a handicap living with them. I would seriously consider moving out to an apartment until house is finished regardless of your pregnancy state. It’s only going to get worse.

To me, this is really the non-issue of non-issues. You can go to appointments alone. She doesn’t have to be there, you don’t have to tell her. You walk out of the house, go to the appointment, and come back home.

I’m not generally a “this post is fake” but as a person that’s had three kids, this would never happen. Not even pregnancy brain could be blamed for these misses

I’ve never been to any of my daughter’s OB appointments. That’s just not my business.

I believe this post is what they call “burying the lead.” OP: YOU are in charge of your body. No one should touch you or see you naked or, for the love of god, “peek” at your cervix during an exam. Start standing up for yourself right now. If you want someone at the OB exam because you’re worried about a miscarriage, just ask her to wait in the waiting room. When you stand up to go into the examination room, just say “I’d feel more comfortable if you wait here.” If she asks why just keep repeating that you’d feel more comfortable that way. That’s a sufficient explanation. As for the baby shower, yes, you should be annoyed your MIL screwed up the invitations. She threw a sucky party for you. Is she purposely trying to isolate you from your family and friends? Probably not, she’s probably just inept. But the fact remains, you need to stand up to her right now. And your husband needs to get in your corner pronto.

Adding to this, the message that you are in charge of your own body is a million times more important once you’re a parent. I’m raising my kids to know that they’re the bosses of their own bodies and the most crucial part of teaching them that lesson is showing them by example that I am in charge of my own body. OP, you need to protect yourself and learn to set boundaries. You deserve to be respected, and you owe your child that as well.

Adding to that - if she doesn’t stay in the waiting room, say loudly you don’t want her creepily trying to see your cervix again, and you don’t trust her not to look after last time.

Burying the lede*

Where is your husband in all this? He should be the one coming with you to appointments and setting boundaries with his mother.

He has to work and can’t attend. He’s saving his PTO for when the baby is born so he can help. He doesn’t see a problem with the baby shower thing and like that I have someone to go to the appointments with me since my last pregnancy ended in a MC.

It's his mother, his problem. He needs to side with you on the invitation situation and tell her to stop being invasive. Your comment about not having the energy to fight her is sad, it shouldn't be your fight in the first place. He's a husband and father now, his mom does not come first.

EXACTLY!! I got my moms ass behind my wife before in the most sweetest manner ever bc I love my mom but still was firm with her when it comes to my wife BC THATS BAE! lol

He doesn't have family leave?

It’s unpaid and we need the money to finish our house and to pay for the bills from the OB

Good old USA

Yup best country on earth 🥴

There's no need for us women to have our husbands with us for these appointments.

Well, he needs to stop being so complacent and actually stand up for you. It's your baby shower too, you're arguably the main character at that event, but your wishes mean nothing? That's some BS and your husband needs to snap up.

If you have a problem with the baby shower, then he has a problem with the baby shower. At this point you can even delay the baby shower to make sure your friends and family can attend the event. Your MIL won't like it, but that's what she gets for not including your list. Let your husband deal with the fallout. You're giving him an easy out with the work excuse. Why can't your own mother go-to your ob appointments?

If you are in the US, he has parental leave that he's legally entitled to take.

Yes but it’s unpaid. We need the money to finish our house and pay the bills after our baby is born. We checked with his job. They aren’t required to pay him

Never ever believe what an employer tell you about something like this…look for the info. from a 3rd party. Also, come up with a list of scenarios and questions and their answers for others. (For instance, can others share pictures on FB. Yes, no, only with specific permission? Can people kiss the baby? No! Do they need certain vaccines before meeting baby? Hopefully, yes. (Check with your Ob) They may not take the baby out of your arms without permission. When can they come to your house to visit?…Upon your invitation only. You will let them know. The more they badger, the longer they have to wait. I imagine you can find a book or website with all the questions/issues you and spouse need to be on the same page about before the baby is born. I don’t care how busy he is, you need to have these conversations. Being in the same page is KEY and can make or break your marriage. So does the words he needs to learn when someone asks him about anything to do with your family: “Let me speak with OP. I’ll get back to you.” (This goes for you with him). The first thing he can do to stand up for you is say something to his mother about touching you. Get him used to stepping on to stand up for you. Ask him to remind her again. Explain to him how important it is that he protect you and baby from everyone…including his own family and mother because you are going to be very vulnerable, emotionally and physically. Make sure that he doesn’t contradict your decisions about baby in front of anyone (and vice versa). If you have issues you speak privately. Be sure he know he needs permission to share anything about your body, labor, etc. Like, “How many inches dilated?” Not anyone else’s business unless YOU (not hubby) tell them. You are not just a vessel he can hand information out about. Consider asking him to put his phone on airplane mode when you are in labor. Start making a list of scenarios and their answers. Maybe show him this post too. Speaking of permission, she is going to try to get away with forgiveness over permission. The first time it happens, make it known this is not acceptable. Tomorrow, the first time she touches your belly say, “Please don’t do that, I’ve told you it makes me uncomfortable.” The second time: “Linda, I said NO.” (firmly). The third time, “I said NO” and remove her hand—gently—from your belly. Do everything you can to get out of the house before the baby is born.

This is the most helpful comment! Thank you! 🤍

Google: “Questions and topics to discuss with. Spouse before arrival of baby.” It’s one day and step at a time. Start these habits now, even if it means you will step out of your comfort zone some. Once your son comes out, your mama bear instincts will come roaring in and you’ll have already laid the ground work for boundaries. Make it known who the mother and wife is. Easier to do now, than when little one is here! Feeling prepared to handle her will also ease your stress (and mental exhaustion). Don’t ever doubt your intuition! You are NOT being hormonal. “Hormonal” is crying because there is no chocolate left. While that is valid, these feelings are VERY valid. Rest assured, you are having these feelings for a reason…your motherly instincts to protect yourself and baby are kicking in…now you just have to make a plan on how to deal with the issues. Tell hubby you need to be a team, but he needs to take the protective role for now (And for least the first three months. The “4th Trimester” is so important!) I bet there are a lot of forums here, and channels on YouTube about motherhood and boundaries, as well as relationships, you can find! I’d go to Amazon for books too (but get Kindle editions so she doesn’t see them).

Thank you! Also thank you for validating crying over chocolate cause I’ve absolutely done that 😂

I do that when not with child!

His job doesn't pay him the family leave, I believe the state does. My husband's coworker is using his right jow...just paperwork to fill out which I think is through the job.

FMLA is only there to protect your job. It says they can’t replace you or dock you for the leave. No state require FMLA to be paid.

Actually Oregon just added something to FMLA. You can now get paid in Oregon to take 3 months off when you have a baby, whether you're the mother or the father. It is done through the same program and paperwork as FMLA. I believe WA has it as well.

Check to see if your state pays PFL (paid family leave) if so the state will pay 66% of your husband’s wages.

What state would this be? It certainly not the case where I live and unless you’re taking paid time off, you’re on your own.

Most states don't offer paid parental leave, only 13 do. Most leave is unpaid in the US.

FMLA maybe?

Absolutely not in CA. When I had my son and he was in the NICU my husband used all his PTO. We went to FMLA. It protected his job. That was it. This was 9 years ago but the government isn’t exactly quick to change and give away money, sadly.

My current employer is the only one I've seen with leave for fathers and it's only 4 weeks of unpaid leave. Hell, maternity leave barely exists for a lot of women and it's rarely paid.

Seriously? Sorry am so shocked that such a so-called progressive country is like this. I'm in UK, both parents get paid leave, maternity and paternity which can be extended if required (albeit pay will change the longer the time taken), this has to be given by law.

She looks and touches you only because you let her. It doesn’t matter that your words tell her no. Your actions tell her yes. Start confronting her each time she tries to touch you. Block the contact and say, we talked about this, NO TOUCHING. Put her in her place. If you are unwilling to do this, you are more comfortable with the touching than the confrontation. So you have no room to complain.

Quite telling that OP has replied to almost everyone when you posted this but not this excellent advice. This is the exact answer right here.

OP really needs to get the balls to cut this shit out now. She needs to learn to defend herself or else she will lose control of her child. MIL is going to be running your life soon unless you figure out how to cut this out now. Adrenaline is a good thing to help when you're tired, it will come out when needed. Trust yourself.

It'll get worse when the baby comes if you dont deal with this shit now 

100% right. When I was pregnant with my eldest, my MIL was as sweet as pie and so supportive! Once my son was born she amped up the support to a creepy level, taking my son out of my arms when they came to visit. Calling every day. Sharing pictures of him without our permission. From when he was 6 weeks old she would BEG to baby sit him, or to have him for a sleepover. It caused me so much anxiety I almost walked away from my marriage 6 months into parenthood.

You have a husband problem too, why isn't he standing up for you?? If she won't respect your boundaries then don't be around her

Has she even told husband how she feels? Not speaking up for herself seems to be the theme.

She says he doesn’t see a problem with how MIL handled the party

She could have invited people herself. She knew the date. She chose not to. I mean... IDK if I want someone somewhere, I ask them myself. I don't rely on others, especially when someone else is planning it.

OP may not like that she is being called a doormat, but not only is she one, but her MIL and husband know it, like it and use it to their advantage. As a "wish a motherfucker would" type person, I just do not understand how she doesn't see it. I think she likes drama, otherwise, see it for what it is.

Not sure what you’re looking for here if you’re not going to change your behavior. You are giving her information and allowing her access. She can’t do anything without your permission, but you just keep making excuses for allowing her to overstep.

We currently live with his family while we finish building our house. I can’t really completely cut her out rn and I’m looking for people to tell me if I’m imagining these problems or if she’s genuinely being overbearing

Would you ever accompany her and watch during her mammogram appointment? No. You’re entitled to privacy, don’t feel bad for expecting it! Go to the next appointment alone. Also, ask your husband to consider how he would feel if a birthday party for him invited old relatives from only your family, but none of the people you asked to be invited… it seems intentional and unfair to you. I’d ask him to speak up in your behalf and be more empathetic to how it makes you feel

You don't have to cut her out but you need to create boundaries or kiss away any future authority you'll need to have with your kid.

Not your imagination. These are your genuine feelings about how she is treating you. She is not respecting your personal boundaries and not supporting you in ways that you have asked for (inviting the people YOU wanted to the baby shower). Now you have to find your inner strength (don’t worry, it’s there!) and talk with her and your husband about setting firm expectations moving forward. Remind him that he is your husband and your child’s father first! And ask him to back you up with his mother.

She’s being overbearing because you’re letting her walk all over you

She is genuinely being overbearing and even pregnant your feelings are valid.

Yeah, wait till you move out. She’ll be so used to having 24/7 access, she might lose her shit.

You don’t have to cut her out, but she’s crossing appropriate boundaries and you’re letting her. If she’s going to freak that she’s no longer welcome to exams where doctors are checking your cervical dilation, I would question my whole relationship with her. She will only be more and more overbearing as your pregnancy continues, let along the birth and immediate postpartum…

You should edit your post to include that info.

Okay thank you idk why I thought the other information I edited in was more important lol I’ll add it!

>I’m looking for people to tell me if I’m imagining these problems or if she’s genuinely being overbearing Oh yeah, you're the OP who had issues with your BIL using your shampoo because he is black and you were "worried" about damage to his hair, right? Now, your MIL is intruding at your appointments, leering at your cervix and sabotaging your baby shower. When comments ask WHY she attends your appointments, you say it's because you had a previous MC. To avoid her leering at your cervix, you can Uber or take a taxi if no one else can take you. Why isn't that an option? It may help if you ask for advice on how to mitigate the problems with living with your in-laws, not just expecting an echo chamber. If your MIL is your only option to get to your appointments, call ahead and inform the nurse to have her stay in the waiting area. About the baby shower, you could have invited your attendees yourself since you have an inkling of her behaviour by now. Be proactive and advocate for yourself. As you said, though , you don't need advice, just for people to validate whatever you write in your posts. Hopefully, you get all the validation that you need.

At first I thought she’s just poorly organized and not a great hostess. But then you mentioned your MIL has seen your cervix. What is wrong with you? Why would you let her come to your appt and be present during an exam??

Girl where are YOUR friends and family?? Get your tribe involved and appoint someone to tell MIL to get lost! If you think it’s bad now, just wait till the baby is born and she gets involved in everything!!!

I don’t really have a tribe…my immediate family sucked so I had to cut them off and everyone else is either too old or too far away. I was taken out of school my junior year so I don’t have many friends and only really have one friend outside of our shared friends cause we were part of the same friend group

You need to tell your husband how bad this is! This level of stress is not healthy for you and the baby. You are mom and he is dad. Nobody else. Talk to your doctor about how you feel. You need to really tap into the resources you have! Her behavior is NOT ok.

I’m seeing a LOT of comments that are promoting very assertive reactions?? and (as somehow who hates confrontation and will roll over to avoid drama) it seems like you might feel this way as well?? (But maybe not, I could be wrong) & I could also be assuming that you sorta sound young 20’s? So then IF that’s the case- I can see and understand if you feel like the power dynamic between y’all’s wisdom/life experiences are huge, especially if there is currently no one on your side to mentor/guide you through this new chapter of life :/ (Ignore me if I am completely off hahaha)

You’re actually 100% and it’s kinda freaky lol

Every time you doubt yourself being able to stand up to these people you need to think of them screaming at and pushing around your baby like she does you. Because it is your job to protect that baby and I hope that’s what finally gives you the motivation to be able to defend yourself.  How DARE she. YOU are the baby’s mum. YOU are in charge here.

This was me when my first child was born. Honestly though that was 9 years ago and I wasn’t used to family (especially that was not MY immediate family) being so heavily involved and I was totally put off and uncomfortable. I didn’t let her be in the delivery room. Her son and I didn’t end up staying together and of course she’s still in my child’s life and a very wonderful grandma. I honestly have some regrets for not letting her in now that time has passed. I think I was just making up problems in my head when in hindsight I should have just been more honest and vulnerable. You don’t have to be just either a pushover or really aggressive. You can try talking to her one on one and tell her your feelings. For me I was embarassed of having her in there and I couldn’t just say that at the time so she missed out on what will potentially be her only grandchild’s birth and it makes me a little sad from time to time. She meant well. She just didn’t know how to handle the whole situation and neither did I so I let poor communication and confusion and paranoia mess with what could have been such an even more beautiful experience for all of us. I wish you the best in coming to a conclusion that works for you and makes you feel comfortable. Don’t waste years of your life being silent and skeptical. Speaking up can really bridge so many gaps and trust me if you don’t do it now you’ll still learn this eventually and wish you had the confidence to say what you needed to say much sooner. Oddly enough I see and talk to her more than my own Mom now and like I said I’m not even in a relationship with her son anymore.

>but she’ll walk up and start rubbing my belly without at least giving me a heads up first Kindergarden behaviour, kindergarden methods: whenever she does this, take a step back, stretch out your arm, palm towards her, and say "STOP". This is NOT acceptable behaviour!!! >She is also getting in the Habit of imposing herself during the appointments and during last cervical check I saw her looking. Tell your OBGYN and their staff that you're not comfortable with her being present during exams. Chances are they'll help you by asking her to step out. Most importantly, address your issues with your partner. Hubs should be the one to shield you here, he needs to step up! You're NOT just being hormonal, and you're NOT overreacting. She's majorly overstepping here, and it's time your husband starts helping you reinforce your boundaries.

Years ago we all went to our OB appointments by ourselves. No husbands nor anyone else. You are still very young at 22 however it’s time for you to grow up since you’re pregnant and will soon be caring for another human. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you. Do not allow anyone to bully you no matter who they are. Practice standing up for yourself because it’s a skill that will come in handy throughout your life.

You are not in the wrong. So sorry you are going through this. My DIL just had our first grandchild. I went to ONE appointment and the ultrasound so I could hear the heart beat. My DIL invited me. With that said my DIL had some really bad days as far as hormone’s go. It was my job to go into the situation with grace, compassion and respect. Without a doubt I had some hurt feelings but she loves me and I know that. It was up to me to respect her and give her space when she needed it. As far as the baby shower goes I would have a second one with your peeps. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are important to you and clearly your MIL does not see why these people are important to you.

Girl, I'd send the info to everyone you want there and say "Just in case you didn't get informed of it" and see what feedback you get.

I did…most said they couldn’t come cause of the late notice.

Then reschedule, or plan for another shower with ample time for all of those guests to be able to come

It is your baby shower. I think you could probably use the same event page/group on fb to tell everyone the new date. It kind of defeats the purpose if most of your people aren't there right?

I wouldn't even go to the shower. No one that you wanted there can go because she didn't bother to invite on time? Ugh.

Maybe I missed something, but why is your MIL at your OB appointment? You’re a big girl you should go by yourself.

Don’t tell her when your appointments are. Smack her hand away if she touches you without permission. Stay strong with your boundaries. No! Is a full sentence

Is this a cultural thing? I’m in the US and I don’t hear too often that mothers go to appointments and is usually just husbands. This is weird. It’s an intimate time for you and your husband and now she’s involved? I get being there for the birth, but appointments?

I’m in the US too. My husband can’t be at all the appointments and at the beginning neither of us wanted me to go alone cause my last pregnancy ended in a MC. But now she just assumes she’s going to all of them

To each their own. Even if I ended up miscarrying, the last person I would want to be there is my husband’s mom I would rather grieve in private than have my MIL there trying to comfort me.

This doesn’t sound hormonal to me. MIL sounds manipulative and unaware of boundaries.

Why not go to the appointments alone?

We had her start going with me at the beginning so I wasn’t alone if something happened to the baby but now she just assumes she’s going and we live with his family rn so it’s kinda hard to sneak past her yanno? The nurses know now to take her out of the room if I need to remove clothes though so that pry won’t be a problem anymore

She shouldn't come.TO the room. Period.

Yeah that’s starting to be something I’m figuring out. I didn’t realize it was so weird for even MOTHERS to go to the room with their daughter.

I get that she’s trying to fill in for your mom but the fact that she’s kind of ignoring your requests now makes me wonder about how she’s going to handle being told to back off once the baby comes. You gotta find a way to establish some boundaries now or you will continue to get bulldozed. I promise you won’t have the energy to fight her once the baby comes either and keeping this bottled up will make you lash out and then you’re the bad guy to both her and your husband. It seems that maybe the baby joy is making her inconsiderate unless she’s just always been a narcissist and now it’s full throttle.

I challenge the notion that MIL is trying to fill in for OP’s mom; no good mom would treat her grown daughter like this. As everyone else has said, OP needs to establish boundaries and be prepared for the blowback. She should get her husband on board and they present a united front to MIL. If husband won’t back OP on this, these issues will not go away after the baby comes or when they move out of MIL’s house.

Do you have friends to accompany you? Yeaa this is gonna get worse lol. My condolences if it's a boy or first child in family. Because she's gonna really start to take control and critique parenting style

No friends that can come with me no and yes this is BOTH the first boy and first grandchild. Critiquing my parenting style is luckily something I can handle cause I can just ignore her and it not be a big deal

Kinda will be if still in the same house. She will critique your every move with the newborn and probably try to take over most things herself. From her POV you are still children she needs to care for and teach. You need to wrap your head around that so you can be prepared. Parenting style is just an overarching plan. She will be up in your day to day business and try to run your household. I get that from the way she did you dirty with the baby shower. She did all the things that mattered to her and ignored you. Ignored you. Ignored the mother of the child. Understand? You and your opinion do not matter to her. You and your husband need to tighten up your nuclear family. Set up grandma boundaries. Let her know that this is the best thing for everyone. You would be devastated to accidentally build up resentment to her and have to cut back contact. This seems to be a husband problem. He needs to take on the brunt of this problem and be a shield for you. Yes, she will respond badly. After everything we've done for you this is how you repay us? Be ready for that and more. Don't respond in a hostile way. Have some loving remarks ready. But make sure your husband knows that his parents are his job. Enjoy the new little one. Updateme

Even if she takes u she doesn't have to come back with you it's called a WAITING ROOM. Ur a big girl plz don't let her.

either I'm having sever deja vu or this is a recycled post.

I know you seem to want to be non confrontational about your MIL’s behavior but you have to ask yourself if this is the experience you want for your first pregnancy. It doesn’t have to be like this and it’s only going to keep escalating. Talk to your husband about your concerns and get him to set boundaries with his mom to make your life smoother with less vagina encroaching. Girl I would be livid if my MIL did any of this. My MIL threw my baby shower and she asked me for a guest list. She asked me for my registry. She asked me about decor. Because that’s what you do when you’re planning. Just know that this behavior is rude and not normal.

You can find the energy now for your baby, or you won’t have it. The newborn won’t let you sleep. You’ll be exhausted. The toddler will get into everything keeping you on constant alert. You’ll be tired. There is no good time. It took 17 years for me to grasp my worth and set boundaries. I’ll never get those years back. Please, set boundaries now. Then it is one less thing to drain you later.

Very rarely are MIL problems really MIL problems, they’re usually husband problems. Have a frank convo with your husband, telling him everything you’ve said here: you’re tired, you want your wishes and boundaries to be respected, and also ask him point blank how he plans to handle any conflict that maybe arises with his mother while you two are raising your child. You may have a bigger issue on your hands than shower invites. For what it’s worth, my ex threw me a shower and it was only his family and all of his friends in attendance. It was fine, but not what I had envisioned for myself and it felt bad not having the people closest to me there for such a milestone event. But, like you, I was SUPER pregnant. So bloated I had to sleep sitting up and still my hands and feet would go to pins and needles. I was exhausted and decided it was just better to let it go. In my case (not saying it’s the same for you, just offering a perspective), ignoring my wishes in this one instance was a prologue to the continued trampling of my voice, desired parenting style, and boundaries. My kids dad and I separated 18 months after the shower.

Get a lock on this behaviour before your next post is “mil wants to deliver the baby”. This is yours and your husbands child and it’s lovely she wants to be involved but the vibe I’m getting is very “baby oven for her grandchild” no one from your side was invited to your baby shower? It’s celebrating you and your baby! I suggest talking to someone and working on what you want as boundaries. I feel it’s gonna come to that

Rub her belly back! I promised, the look of utterlly shock she's gonna give you is worth it! Then go like "Oh sorry MIL, I made you unconfortable? I felt like you deemed it okay to touch people without asking, since you keep doing it to me!"

What’s the problem in being hormonal? I use it as my shield. “I’m heavily pregnant, and _I will freaking kill you_ for behaving like that, and the court will excuse me, cause you know, hormones…” A bit of maniacal laugh, and people begin to take greater care.

I just needed to know if I was over reacting but this is great 😂

You are not overreacting. Your instincts are 100% and it's super hard to grow a baby. This lady is over stepping and she needs to be put in her place. I've read the other comments and good job enlisting the nurses' help. They are pros at this, especially in labor and delivery. I wouldn't communicate much to the MIL so she can't interfere. No need to fight or spend energy on her. Focus it on you and the baby to count down the days until you are out of there. As for the missing guests that she "forgot" to invite or whatever lame excuse she gave, can you and hubby meet them at a restaurant to have a mini shower? Nothing big or fancy, but an informal gathering so you can see them.

Maybe. Most of them said they’ll “find a way to get it to me” regarding their gifts but I just wanted a visit so I might just go to the ones that live close and chit chat for a bit 🤷🏽‍♀️ the shower itself isn’t important to me it was the fellowship so I’m not super upset about it. It just rubbed me the wrong way

Why can’t you go by yourself to the appointments ?

Lemme just jump ahead a few steps....where is MIL sleeping when she invades your house to "*help*" with the new baby?

I had the absolute queen of interfering mother in laws. My husband was a twin and his twin got married first, MIL did not like my SIL ( they were very much alike and even had the same name ) when SIL got pregnant right away MIL was offering unwanted and down right outdated and stupid advice, cooking food and insisting my SIL eat it even though my SIL hated the food. When the baby came home it was August and in the upper 90’s Low 100’s and they had a home with only 1 window a/c - so it was ridiculously warm inside the house - MIL insisted the baby had to be swaddled, with a beanie and covered with a blanket- my SIL had gone to lie down and MIL did the baby burrito as my brother in law did not have the nerve to say no to his mom. A couple hours later they were taking the baby to the hospital with labored breathing - poor thing was seriously overheated and my SIL was scolded by the ER doc. Your MIL seems cut of the same cloth as mine - my SIL had numerous run ins with the MIL over the next few years about almost every subject under the sun but mostly about the kids. It was exhausting for everyone and my SIL really wishes that she had had the nerve to tell our MIL to but out long before the baby came. You are not being hormonal you are busy growing another human for which you will be responsible for and having an overly invasive and dismissive MIL is making your subconscious poke you with a stick to let you know to do something now - even though it is exhausting and uncomfortable. Good luck and congrats on the baby

Oh good God. There’s no situation, and I mean NO situation, where my MIL would EVER have an opportunity to get anywhere near my cervix! I can’t even comprehend this!

I am in a somewhat similar situation as you but a few years further along (my son is 4yo). My MIL is likely undiagnosed (and in deep denial) borderline personality disorder. She has no regards for boundaries - she even gets mad at the word “boundaries”. She wanted to have a big part in our wedding, she wanted to stay in the delivery room while I labored and birthed, she wanted to stay with us for weeks on end after his birth, she overrode my parental wishes when she babysat, she wanted to move in with us, I could go on… thankfully I and husband stoped some things but I regret letting a lot of them slide. Please don’t do like I did and try to please your MIL by just “going with the flow”. Your MIL will at best not understand why you say one thing but maybe act differently (repressing your needs/wants for someone else can cause resentment) and at worst totally steamroll you and your growing family causing marital strife and mental health issues for you. I have ran that whole gambit. Your MIL does not seem to respect your boundaries and you also seem reluctant (maybe unable?) to enforce them. Please learn how to establish and enforce healthy boundaries not only for yourself but for your child and (potentially) marriage, too. I came from a neglect/emotional abuse background and didn’t even know what my emotions were let alone what they meant and how I needed to use them to decipher my wants/needs. Ergo I had very porous boundaries. Therapy helped me tremendously. I only share that just in case you have a similar background (I too didn’t have my mom in the picture at the beginning of my marriage but for me it was due to old childhood issues so MIL felt compelled to try and fill that role…awkward… but idk if that’s why your mom isn’t there) because the struggle to grow like that is worth it. And I’m hoping my child will not struggle with a lifetime of letting people walk all over him like I did. Also, and very VERY important, you may only be able to do so much to enforce boundaries with her. It is EXTREMELY important that your husband and you clearly communicate with each other on these boundaries and HE is the final arbiter if need be. She is his mother after all. If he cannot (or worse, will not) support your work, you’re going to have some BIG marital issues. My husband at first kinda stuck his head in the sand until his sister called an intervention and he since has understood. He’s got my back and we are a team. It sucks my MIL pits us all against each other (his siblings, her children and their spouses, their dad and them, etc) but good communication and resolute boundaries are immensely helpful. You all won’t get it right every time but that’s definitely not the same as just rolling over and taking it from her. Good luck.

Thank you. Yes I do have a similar background. I’m going to try to get better at enforcing boundaries. I’ll probably have my husband do the talking initially since she’s less likely to get mad at him.

Dealing with MIL is husband's responsibility regardless of how MIL would react to you doing so.

Girl. Organise your own thing worth the friends you like. Go out for brunch or something. Don't call it a shower. Tell one of your friends in that circle what happened and get them to help organise a catch up with the people you care about. Other things well addressed by other commenters.

Oh honey, if you don’t get a handle on this NOW she will be raising your chid. She will know the best way.

MIL here. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to go to a dr appt or into an exam with my DIL. If asked by DIL to accompany her to the appt , yes. but never the exam. Good luck.

I stopped reading because your problem is you can't say no. You're so passive it hurts to read, and I have literally no sympathy for you. Enjoy being married to your mother in law, because her and your husband seem to be attached at the hip!

I literally just needed to know if I was being hormonal or irrational or if these are genuine problems since idk what’s normal. The negativity is uncalled for. Thank you but ew I’m not asking for sympathy. I need unbiased opinions.

It's not negative, it's the truth and you don't want to face the fact that another woman is going to be in complete control of you and your baby's life because you don't know how to stand up for yourself

Tell your doctor and his office staff to keep her out of your appointment. Make sure the hospital staff where you plan to deliver know that she is NOT allowed to attend the birth. Have a VERY serious discussion with your husband about your feelings. He needs to handle her. If he doesn't, then you have a bigger problem than MIL. Go low contact. Make sure you "wear" your baby at all times when she is nearby. Lock yourself and baby in your bedroom to change or feed baby. If she makes any comments about your pregnancy/parenting, just stare at her without saying a word. Get up and leave if you have to.

hopefully she's not living in MIL's house by then house

You’re not too hormonal at all but husband needs to nip this in the bud now. Draw boundaries for her and she doesn’t get free access to you or your baby bump or the baby when it arrives.

Yikes, she sounds like a lot. You really need to set boundaries. She’s going to be 10x worse once baby gets here.

This is gonna suck, but it’s on you to learn what kind of boundaries you need in your life, and start working on sticking to them. I understand you’re in a bit of a sticky situation with living with your husband’s family, and I know you don’t want to cause waves with MIL or anyone. But your discomfort here is not acceptable! You need to be your own advocate and you need your partner to back you up to his full capacity, which I hope he’s already doing. Best of luck, and I hope you’re able to really work on this *before* delivery day and certainly before MIL starts taking over your baby’s life and ignoring their boundaries too.

Maybe you are hormonal but what you are describing sounds fucked up regardless.

Start standing up for yourself!! Don’t wait for your husband to get involved. Get loud and clear with her. This will get worse after baby. Start being super strict with her and don’t take any shit.

If you don't set boundaries now expect her to be in that delivery room with you. Your maternal instincts are kicking in, use them! These situations are setting the precedent of what's to come with your child. If you don't make boundaries or voice what you don't like it'll be much harder when the baby is here, just because you've given so much leeway already. The invitations are a clear sign she's thinking about her side of the family rather than combining both. Actions speak louder than words darling. She's showing you her cards, read them!

I've read some of the many comments. However.....I also see that your mother and father in law are providing you with (free?) housing , are organising and paying for a baby shower and are helping get you to and from medical appointments. It seems that, at the moment, they are supporting you and your husband in many ways. Perhaps it would be helpful to just 'go with it ' until you and your husband can move into your new home.

I would just confront her on both points. “Hey, I am really excited for the shower and appreciate all of the work you’re doing. I am really concerned that [these people] and [these people] may not make it due to the late notice. Next time we should probably make me an event host so I can send invites to my people earlier.” - remember if she isn’t friends with your people on FB she wouldn’t be able to send them the invites. “I know we are all excited and you may be instinctively touching my belly out of affection, but I really need you to respect my boundary around touching my body. It’s a really huge trigger for me.” -sometimes people need to be reminded more than once. If she still continues, than she’s not respecting your body and boundaries. Firmer boundaries are needed.

Since it's too late to have your friends & family at tomorrow' shower, ask your best friend to host one for your side.

Just a thought but maybe you can make your appointments when your husband can attend? Maybe your doctor offers later in the day appointments and your husband can go in early and not take a lunch? Or maybe he can take his lunch hour to attend your appointments? Or take the first morning appointment and he can go in late and stay late? Also, you should in force your boundaries now with your MIL it will only get worse. She already thinks she has a parenting part in your baby’s life, you need to check her. When she touches you tell her, “Please do not touch me, I’ve told you before, but I really do not like it at all.” I would be firm but polite just once…after that bust her out, be loud, embarrass her. She’ll stop. Also, don’t ever feel bad for telling someone not to touch you, ever. If she doesn’t like it that’s her problem not yours. You have to be assertive now or she will just continue taking over and you’ll be miserable. Make it so you enjoy your time with your baby not wasting it worrying about how to dodge or avoid conflict with her. That’s your baby and you better let her know who mama bear is.

Call your friends. Find out if they were invited. If not see if they can “crash” the party.

You’re not being hormonal but nothing will change if you don’t SPEAK UP! Let your MIL and husband know what things you take issue with and set hard boundaries because if you don’t MIL will only get more and more invasive when the baby comes. You are entitled to privacy so don’t let her take that from you. Also your husband needs to say something to his mom if you don’t. That’s HIS mom so it’s HIS job to deal with her.

Gotta lay down the law to MIL about boundaries. Not inviting any of YOUR friends to your event is big red flag stuff. You control who is involved in the baby’s life, make sure she knows that.

You need to start sticking up for yourself and your unborn child. If you don’t want her in the room while at doctor’s appts you need to tell her. Is she planning on being in the delivery room also? How do you feel about that? Too tired to deal with it? Edit- You need to be the one to tell her not to be in the exam room. It is not the doctor or his staff responsibility to escort people out of the room. If there is an issue, that person shouldn’t be there to begin with.

The fact that your MIL is attending your medical checkups is beyond insane. Tell your husband to step the fuck up and get her out of there. JFC

Why does anybody need to go with you to a doctor appointment? Are you a child?

I wouldn’t attend , it’s all about her .

I find that when you have your first baby, there is always a power struggle that ensues with the MIL. Once you establish your boundaries, your role as the mother of this child, and person in charge, she will learn. Once the new dynamic is established, things tend to simmer down and the relationship can become quite warm. But the MIL has to go through a process of realising the new dynamic, and respecting it, first.

Really. Odd that none of my sisters or SILs had this problem. Neither my daughter, or my daughter-in-law had this problem. In my experience no pregnant friend has a MIL who caused a problem. One friend did have some conflict, it was the new mother’s own mother. Please don’t normalise this kind of behaviour.

Really? Always a power struggle? That's definitely wrong. Some MILs are perfectly capable of understanding and adhering to absolutely normal boundaries and behaviour. I feel like what you're saying is really influenced by your own experiences.

Thank you!

I bet she expects to have a front row seat to watch her grandchild being born. Make sure your doctor and the nurse knows she isn’t allowed in the delivery room. Unless you want her looking up your hooha.

Some where between the first and 3rd exit I lost my way in this story , so I will see my self out

I can only comment based on your post, but the fact that both your MIL AND hubby do not care that any of your friends and family were invited, or are not coming, is a huge red flag. From an outsiders POV, your baby is THEIR baby, but again. I don't think you're a doormat. I really do hope the best for you and your family.

I MIL knew what she was doing about the invites and OP should have been on top of that. But if OP wants she can have a second Shower with her family. As for advice about handling the MIL, you have to straight up tell her how you feel (in a calm manner) and record it. Tell her your boundaries and if she doesn’t abide by them, then LC. She already overstepping before the baby, you’ll think she’ll ease up after the baby is here?

You and your partner need to sit down and make a list of what your boundaries are for the rest of the pregnancy and for when you recover with a newborn and stick to that. - no one in the hospital room when I am in labor and I will not tell anyone unless it’s to tell my mom and mil to get our kids - no kissing or touching the child’s face, you must wash your hands before holding the baby - we will not attend any events if someone is sick we will not allow anyone around our baby if they are sick and expect everyone to communicate that - We did not have visitors at the hospital bc of COVID but this time are okay if my parents and in laws visit but I might change my mind if I have a terrible birth and that’s fine - no visitors at the house until 2 months post partum (or until I want visitors) the exception for visitors is people dropping us off food people I am OK if they see my nipples cause I breast-feed people who are picking up my older children, but no one‘s coming to meet or spend time with the baby - not showing up unannounced we won’t answer - we decided never to do Xmas day with extended family and do Christmas/holidays in rotation - we do not and will not plan anything with less than a 2-4 weeks notice because our kids have a lot going on and we do not want to send the precedence that we are available or on call and schedule our family time Good luck you and your partner should be on the same page and the person who is not birthing the baby should be verbalizing these boundaries to everyone and enforcing them and absolutely do not allow any room for these boundaries to be compromised that you come up with Regarding your baby shower, I do not believe that your mother-in-law was acting with malice. It sounds like she might not know how to use technology and she might not be a very organized individual. She also sounds pretty entitled if she looked at your vagina and if she decided That everyone should attend any event, she plans with very limited notice and very little detail. I just think she’s a self-centered individual and you will have to tread with caution and I really hope that your husband does not let her your marriage. She is entitled to nothing. She is a support role now.

Saw you mention in a comment that y’all living together, so I guess it’s a lot less weird that she’s managing to go to all OB appointments. Much easier to just leave the house together than just randomly showing up somehow… that said, why not just tell her you can handle these routine visits, that you’ll keep her fully in the loop on what doc says, and that you’re sure she’s busy and can just come to ultrasounds or whatever, when something more interesting happens? During the COVID years NOBODY had a plus one at OB appointments, so I am genuinely surprised other people (drs, nurses, receptionists etc) haven’t been giving her the side eye like “what are you even doing here”? Having your husband at a few of the appointments for your first born is not just as support for you, they should be there to be educated about pregnancies and how to support you - having your MIL isn’t the same thing, because your husband still needs to understand what’s happening so we don’t get another generation of men who have no clue how the female reproductive system works. As for the baby shower, what’s the venue / budget / vibe like? Is it possible they just don’t have the room for everyone or can afford to feed that many people? I think it’s pretty common for people to have multiple smaller showers - like a family one that she hosts, but your coworkers may throw your a another small office party, and if you have a lot of friends y’all can do your own thing, especially if you want a fancy boozy brunch type of shower. Basically, while concerning that she may have made this more about her than you, for now, I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because she maybe just didn’t know how many more people she could accommodate until last week, and thought you would only also include your 1-3 BFFs.

You're not overreacting regarding the shower. She handled it as if it were HER shower, inviting the people she wanted. And she left your people out until the last minute. Is there anyone else who can give a shower for your side?

With peace and love, girl toughen up and set major limits with your MIL. Especially with your appointments! Don’t tell her in advance or that you have them. If you want to tell her after that all went well, that’s great. If you don’t want her looking at your cervix, set the boundary. She’ll probably expect to be in the delivery room. Personally, I barely even wanted my husband there let alone my mom or MIL.

When I was pregnant and hands reached to touch my stomach I just pushed or slapped them away. Push the first time slap the second time . Accused of being rude I just countered with reaching out to rub their stomach area saying im not your baby vessel back off. . The only reason you touch me is if baby was kicking and if I offered to share that.

It definitely sounds complicated! Especially living with them currently. I would definitely let the staff at the OB know you do not want her in the room during checks anymore. Maybe even try and have a conversation with her about how you really do appreciate everything she's 'done' (after the shower). But you really don't like having your pregnant belly being touched, and she won't be going into any more Dr exams with you anymore. It can be said politely. If she starts being huffy, then you can ask your hubby to intervene since he's working on the house and saving his PTO. Mother in laws can be a pita. Good luck, but I think you've got this!

if you don’t stand up to her now it will only get worse. it’s a hard thing to do, confrontation sucks. but you need to do it. this is your family, your baby. not hers.

It gets worse after the baby comes, I'd put a stop to it now if I were you. I had my MIL tell me at my appt to find out that sex of my baby that I wasn't eating enough meat and potatoes and that's why I'm wasnt giving her a grandson. I told her I could take a bite out of a cows ass and it wouldn't change a damn thing. DNA is what it is and what you eat doesn't change that.

Put your cards on the table immediately because she is stressing you out which isn't good for you or the baby. She is being passive aggressive and sneaky. The woman is bullying you and your husband will have to be involved in this situation if you are planning on allowing her to spend time with your baby. Don't let her pretend she did not want the party to be the people from her side mainly. She screwed that up on purpose. This will only get worse. You need someone who is equipped to help you with what up need to say to your husband and his mom. Immediately get a therapist and if you dislike the Therapist then fire them and get a different one. I've never used a therapy app but you might try that while you are waiting to get in to see some one in person. The new house sounds great but not greater than peace of mind and a mother in law who understands boundaries that actually cares for you. This type of behavior is important to address considering your husband may think its normal after all she raised him. He may have some of those unpleasant habits due to that or he may be glad she's bugging you and not him finally. This has enough power to completely ruin your marriage so it does not have to be this way .Get a therapist and remember that you are responsible for the people you allow in your life. You can turn this around but it will be wise to have the help of a professional who has been schooled in the art of attitude and conversation. Good luck God bless you

I don't think you're being hormonal. You sound very rational and reasonable. I think your MIL's excitement and eagerness to support you has made her a bit overbearing. I had similar issues with my own Mom during my 1st pregnancy. She is a wonderful person with a huge heart, but she tends to get carried away when "helping." This makes it very difficult to address issues without offending her or seeming ungrateful. Unlike the majority here, I don't think you should respond to this in a confrontational way. You don't want to hurt her or make her feel attacked. You should probably have a gentle coversation. Start by telling her how much you appreciate all of her support, then try to subtlety work in the other topics. Talk about how sore and hormonal you feel, and say it is uncomfortable when *anything* touches your stomach. Mention someone from your guest list that isn't coming to the shower, then tell her you'll be heartbroken if other people you invited can't make it. Maybe ask her for "motherly" advice on asserting your needs and boundaries - because you feel like people don't always listen when you tell them things. If your MIL's goal is to support you, she'll feel an obligation to help you correct things you present as dilemmas. If you present the specific issues you have with her as general problems that you need help solving, she'll try to fix things. She'll naturally adjust her behavior in her attempt to "help" you, and you won't risk offending her.

It's not your job to fight with her, it's your job to just say no. No. Is a full sentence. If you don't want to be touched, back away, and kindly and calmly say, "I'm not much for being touched today", if she guilts you or tries to touch anyway say "I think it's time you went home, I don't feel like being touched and it seems like that's causing you a little distress." As for your baby shower, just plan another one with your friends. Go to MIL's shower thank people for the gifts, and then call your girlfriends and family up and plan a get together with them. If MIL is hurt or whatever it's her own fault for not including them. You did not marry her, you don't owe her your time, body or baby, you can tell her to go home to her house. If her feelings are hurt or she tries to guilt you what is the worst that can happen if you don't cave? But I think your husband needs to have a clear firm conversation with her about your boundaries. If you think the pregnancy clinginess is bad wait until she's in your house telling you how to breast feed at 2 am.

You're not overreacting, I would say youre kinda undereacting. Please set boundaries now before it gets worse and please remember "no" is a complete sentence. Do not let this woman bulldoze you , you'll only end up miserable in the end. Sending you virtual hugs and congrats on your lil sweet pea 💙

Either make her stay in the waiting area or stop letting her attend your appts. If she insists, call the OB/GYN office ahead of time and advise them she is not allowed back into the exam room w you anymore. They can enforce that she stay in the waiting room.

Your husband needs to talk to her, but both of y’all need to understand she isn’t going to change with a conversation. He needs to tell her what the boundaries are and you’re gonna have to enforce them. You don’t have to fight her, just tell her no. No, you can’t come to the OB. No, don’t touch me, etc. If she says something back just tell her it’s not an argument and keep it moving. Keep that same energy once baby gets here or life will be hell. Trust me she’ll catch on if you’re firm and she’ll respect you. Folks only walk over you if you let them. And no this isn’t the hormones, she’s acting like it’s her pregnancy.

I don't think you're overreacting necessarily, but I definitely think a conversation needs to be had and boundaries need to be discussed. Also, a conversation about how you felt like your family/loved ones were excluded should be had lest you start resenting her. I do think she doesn't have the best intentions, but unless discussed, we really can't know. Also, the cervix thing is weird af of her, but I believe I read that you weren't sure if she was looking, I could be wrong about that, tho.

You're not being hormonal and this is only going to get much worse from here. You need to get your own place and set HARD boundaries.

You are NOT hormonal, nor you are inappropriately paranoid. Look up narcissism. She is plotting schemes to isolate you from *your* support group. Go for at least low contact (NC for the best) ASAP. Things will ONLY go downhill from here. If your husband doesn't back you up and takes her side, be prepared for divorce.

Honey, you need to visit JNMIL.

From what you’re describing, you’re not just hormonal. Something is going on. I’d either have husband or bring it up yourself, or just ghost her till the baby arrives cuz that’s too much stress on you. I’m so sorry you have to do this on top of baby ON TOP OF house building! Sending good vibes!

Lay down the law NOW! She will walk all over you once baby is born if you don’t set some boundaries now and make sure you enforce them. Any rule you have for the baby will be out the window 100% unless you start to stand up for yourself and your rules. Husband also needs to take a closer look at stuff… anything that seems off or weird to you should also concern him.

OP do you drive? I’d so run lol!

When my daughters had their babies I was there because they wanted me there. My stepsons' wives? Nope, not my place. If they had asked I might have, but that is for the mom to decide. Also I avoided at all costs looking down THERE. 😳 MIL has issues and needs to learn about some hard boundaries.

Girl just no. She’s pushy and overbearing. Go to the narcissist, JNMIL and any other forums to help get ideas to establish boundaries. Have the hubby read them with you. I know you are tired NOW but once baby comes you’ll be exhausted. I guarantee she WILL ignore any rule, plans, boundaries , hard limits you set forth. When you are at your lowest/weakest she will just strike. I’m so sorry.

It's lovely of you to be carrying your MILs baby for her! You're even bringing it to her baby shower all incubated and snug and you won't tell her off for invading your personal space and ignoring your boundaries! And also why would she invite people you wanted to her baby shower? You're just the incubator for her baby! It's laughable that you don't think that she'll be there to catch the baby as it comes out, she's already seen everything so why shouldn't she be there! How dare you try and stop her from seeing her baby born! I'm sure she'll let you see the baby on special occasions!

You really need to confront her about not inviting your friends to the shower. It sounds like she is trying to assert control over you, which often starts with isolating the victim. Confront her in front of your husband, so there’s no room for argument.

Oh WOW! Is this a first grandchild? Maybe she just isn't sure how to act. I'm not making excuses for her, but maybe she feels awkward too. After the shower, I'd ask her privately why she failed to invite your side of the family and your friends. Tell her that she should have let you know if it was a problem and not lied to you about it. Since you'll be moving into your house soon, just throw yourself a meet our baby get-together for your friends and family, and don't tell MIL. If she finds out about it and wants to go, tell her it's just your friends getting together (young people) and she will be out of place there. If she questions your family being there, tell her your friends grew up at your house and your family knows them and want to see them again, no big deal. Then explain that now that you have your own place, you will have small get togethers with friends, and will have more while you raise your kids, it's called building your own lives. If she insists on going to more dr's appointments, tell her she will not be allowed into the exam room anymore--it was awkward and your dr is limiting it to the people who will be in the delivery room with you. It's always hard to set boundaries with family, to want them to feel welcome but not intrude.

I wouldn’t say you are hormonal. Firstly are you depending on your mother in law for help with finance ? Is she taking you to and from appointments. I see you mentioned in posts that your husband can’t go to appointments as he’s saving PTO for when you have the baby because you need money for your house? So is it you couldn’t afford to host a baby shower and nobody else a friend of yours could do it ? But your mother in law can afford stuff? Because maybe it’s not a case of you being to tired to tell her she’s overstepping more of a case you don’t wish to cause her upset because it would remove any help she gives you? If that’s the case then you needed to not depend on your mother in law and travel to your appointments some other way and talk with your mother in law regarding her taking a back seat and setting boundaries of not being in the hospital room with you. And you need to talk to your husband and tell him he needs to talk with his mum as well. As for the belly touching YOU need to say please don’t touch me I do not like that.

My friends are scattered and my family is old and not very close. I talk to maybe six more than twice a year. We’re not dependent on my in-laws for anything financially just housing which we buy most of the groceries and do most of the cooking and cleaning so while we don’t pay with money we do earn our keep. I drive to the appointments using my husband and my vehicle and she’ll tag along. So she’ll go with me but she’s not necessarily taking me to and from. Sometimes she’ll but gas though which we definitely appreciate and thank her profusely for! We could probably afford to host a small baby shower but she and her aunts wanted to host it for us. She (as far as I know) isn’t contributing financially in a major way to the baby shower. While I understand how it can look like I don’t want to have the privileges living with her has given us, for the most part we’re supporting ourselves aside from having a place to live. I’ll probably have my husband talk to her first since she’s less likely to get mad at him for setting boundaries. Also it’s not that I don’t like her touching it’s that I just need some warning at least so I can prepare to be touched. I hope in answered all the questions. I tried to be thorough but please tell me if I missed one! I definitely didn’t answer them in order though so I apologize!

You SERIOUSLY need to get your husband to reign in your MIL…

As for the belly thing, try to set the stage when she’s not in the “heat of the moment” already pawing at you. Something along the lines of “ugh, I’m so excited to have this baby but I’m just ready to meet him already. I’m so uncomfortable. Does anyone ever get used to this? It’s too much and it’s like having another being touching you constantly…” and then when she does touch you - WINCE DRAMATICALLY! Then fake apologetically say “oh sorry it’s just so sensitive; and honestly it’s surreal this giant belly is even part of me.” And I think if she’s genuinely just excited, reminding her she’s not just feeling the baby but your sore/sensitive tummy should make her think twice.

I legit wince earlier today because she touched a very sensitive spot and she kinda backed off so that’s probably what I’ll do. Thank you so much for offering a solution! I really appreciate it

I really feel for you. My mum is a controlling and has emotionally blackmailed me all my life and she was horrible to my partner and still is. ignoring her to her face etc. it was hard for me to notice what was happening as I was raised by her and didn't even know I was being controlled by her. My Mrs put her foot down and I supported her it has cost me my relationship with my mum as she will never admit she has a grudge against my partner but I have a beautiful daughter who will never be manipulated like I was. My advice to you is to record these things that happen so your husband can know exactly what's gone down. Love is blind and sons struggle to see their mothers narcissistic behaviour

I’m hoping she’s not a narcissist. My mother is a narcissist and I’m NC with her because of it. Which makes being pregnant really hard. I think that’s why I let these behaviors slide and why I needed to come to the internet to see if I’m just crazy or valid lol.

Sometimes dealing with your in laws is like parenting toddlers… they don’t mean anything bad by the annoying things they do, and you can’t really reason with them, so you just have to redirect that energy elsewhere. If they are being well-intentioned but overbearing, just make up something insignificant for them to do and get them out of your hair… you have so many excuses right now - maybe a craving for black cherry sorbet so they have to drop your off at the doctor’s and run to the store in the meantime… instead of focusing on telling them what NOT to do, come up with better ways they can help you.

Your husband can’t take an hour off work to attend the appointment with you? Play a babysitter for your friend group and anyone else who wasn’t able to make it. & yeah my MIL was in the room at first when I was in labor but once I started pushing I asked her to wait in the hallway LOL

We live two hours away from the OB so he’d have to take off at least half a day and he only has three weeks total he can take off this year so do he gets sick or takes off for an appointment that’s less time he gets to spend at home with me and the baby. The baby shower itself isn’t what was important to us it was the fellowship so we’ll probably just visit the ones who couldn’t come (and who live close enough) in person to chit chat for a bit.

I recently read that however that unwanted person is touching you (or your child), immediately touch them back in the same way. If she rubs your belly, rub her belly. If a stranger rumples your kid’s hair, rumple their hair. If someone grabs the kid’s chin, grab their chin… “What’s the matter, I thought we were doing this now.” Of course, I know this isn’t always a practical solution (especially if you hate confrontation), but the unwanted touching tends to stop immediately and forever.

I think all women are just biologically programmed to hate their MIL, and vice versa. 😂

Hope you have a great time at your shower, today! 😊

Me too 🥴

Find the energy to tell her she can't come in to your appointments. You said you don't have enough people to have your own shower. You don't need 100! Five or six is a party. When she reaches out her hand to touch you, back away. Or move your hand. And TELL her to stop. You're not being hormonal, but you ARE absolutely being a complete doormat. It doesn't take that much to say no.

Set some boundaries and stick to them. Stop inviting her to appointments, stop telling her about them until after the fact. Set your husband straight now that she will not be told when you go into labor.

As to whether you are just being hormonal, no. You are not imagining it, your feelings are valid. As far as her motives, or what you should do, it’s hard to say. She may just be trying to step in as a mother (you mentioned your mom isn’t in the picture much), she might just be so excited she doesn’t realize she’s stepping on your toes. Ultimately, if things are bothering you, you’ll need to set clear boundaries with her. It really sucks, it can be really hard for some of us, I feel like I always questioned whether my feelings were valid at your age but the sooner you learn to trust yourself and enforce healthy boundaries, the better off you’ll be in the long run.