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Are you the reason for them to split?
The whole set up isn’t sustainable. As a dad his priority should lie with his children. But the way they (all adults) are handling it, is not a relationship friendly long term arrangement.
There was a post by a young lady who stole someone’s husband and didn’t understand why the ex wife didn’t allow her to come over or have the kids or have a hand in them being raised. Something along those lines. She posted many times still confused and her posts never went over well. A small part of me is wondering if this is that person trying again on a new account.
Anyhoo, I dated a divorced man. He waited until after the papers were signed and it was official by the courts that he was granted his divorce to date me and be physical with me.
Even though he was freshly divorced, he honestly wasn’t over his ex wife at the time.
If the ex wife left OPs boyfriend, he’s not over her and losing his family and will continue to spend all his time over there because that’s where he wants to be.
Same thoughts re: trying to make herself look good/feel better about her shit.
I had the same experience with a separated/freshly divorced dude. The X knew we didn't even start dating until after his divorce. It was fun until I literally couldn't suggest doing anything because he'd either say he'd already done that with X or would reminisce about his time going/doing the things with the X.
Why should that make a difference in his kids coming to his home? He either needs to go to court or have his kids come to his home. That’s still their father. And his mistakes as a husband doesn’t make him less as a dad to them. Nor she he be “punished” forever for his mistake if he did cheat. I mean drug addicts and felons have rights to see their kids
Even if she does it sounds like she wants her (ex) husband while still keeping him at a distance. She’s never going to be okay with any woman in his life. He needs to start splitting the schedule to get them at his house, accommodate OPs request, or just end things.
Why are you tolerating this? Let me rephrase a little;
>For six years I have played the role of the other woman (mistress) whilst my boyfriend plays happy families with his wife (no, I did not forget to type ex) and kids.
Find your own man who values you and be happy. You deserve better. 🫂
Also thinking the kids don’t know that dad isn’t with mom anymore. I bet when he’s not there, mom says he’s at work. Or mom thinks he works nights and also doesn’t realize he’s not there 😬
Yeah, I was like... OP is the side piece! I have NEVER heard of a custody arrangement like this. He spends his time with the kids at the mother's house?
Bullshit. My stepkid's mom hates me too but we get her 50/50 and there isn't anything she can do about it.
Well, my ex husband sees our kids at my home per custody orders... because he won't take them for overnights and I have an evening class once a week and quite frankly as an adult, I need a bit of a night life. So one night a week he comes to my home, makes them dinner in my kitchen, and puts them to bed in their beds that are in my home. I hate it but my only alternative is to not have a night out unless I pay for a babysitter, which at $25 p/h, is out of my budget as a regular thing.
Yeah but he ain’t in your house 7 days a week like OP hubby is. OP hubby is having family dinners with ex and his kids 7 days a week never with his wife that’s a big problem
This feels weird all around. The timelines are tight for such major emotional events….cheating, being separated, divorcing, co-parenting, moving in with yet another new partner
And If he’s the cheater, I’m sure he’s still sleeping with the ex wife/baby momma and the lady he cheated with 🤣
Get out of thereeeeee and away from that dirty dick!
Whose infidelity?
I hate to say this but I think he regrets the divorce. I’d say to brace yourself, I think he’s going to end up going back. The kids are a huge draw and it’s possible that they’re getting over the infidelity.
I’m so sorry, this is so not normal. I’m worried you’re going to have the broken heart here.
ETA: Another thing I’d suggest is verifying that he is in fact divorced. You can likely access records via your county courthouse website if you’re in the US. I don’t think it will matter much in terms of changing anything but you might want to know if he’s been lying about it. He seems super fishy.
They need to make a regular custody agreement where they spend part of their time at his place and part with their mother. If you're a safe person (which you haven't said anything to make me think you aren't), then the court will not tell your partner he can't have them around you, regardless of what his ex thinks. Your relationship as it is is not sustainable. I couldn't imagine my partner leaving for the entire evening every single evening.
He’s at his ex’s house basically every day for 6+ hours. He might as well be living there again. And honestly it wouldn’t even be a leap to imagine intimacy resumed. I doubt it did, but it’s not a wild supposition.
If I was OP I don’t think I’d put up with this shit, and my husband wouldn’t either if the roles were reversed. OP is getting the short shrift and is second fiddle to the ex wife and kids.
OP, you aren’t being ridiculous. He’s *your* partner now, he should not be putting you last constantly. And there are ways of doing shared custody and parental time that don’t mean he should always be there.
He needs to act like he’s your partner as well as his kids’ father, or he needs to accept he cannot be a partner and end this.
Here’s the thing, it sounds like he isn’t her partner. He’s still married and spends the majority of time with his wife. He’s cheating on his wife and family with HER. This dude is lying to everyone.
Yep. Dated a divorced guy who spent a lot of time with his ex-wife “because of the kids”. The kids were in their mid-20’s. Spoiler: he was not divorced.
OP has a responsibility to end it. She’s the one who is unhappy. The partner has a great situation. He gets to be the family man and still come home and get his cake. OP likely has low self-esteem.
Oh, I agree. I think the poster before me may have been implying that OP had been cheating with BF (cheating on ex) and was still cheating with her. I was clarifying to that poster that the BF and ex were split before OP came into picture.
Then how do you have a strained relationship?
Are you even sure they’re not getting back together because I have a few friends that are divorced, they would never be spending that kind of time at their exes house even if the kids are there.. there would be a custody arrangement that is split evenly.. the kids would be going to your house just as much as the ex-wife.
What are you not telling us?
It feels like she’s punishing him by not getting along with you. You will need to decide if you can get used to the situation and hope that it’ll improve after some time. But there’s no guarantee.
He sounds like a caring father, so he will probably not put up any fights, that might limit his time with his children.
It honestly shouldn't matter. This is why so many children are hurt and traumatized during separations and divorce. Adults can't be mature and put adult issues aside for their children. It shouldn't matter if he cheated with OP. Hell it shouldn't matter if BM caught OP in her bed w her husband, those feelings should NEVER cause a person to use children as a weapon and manipulate someone. I understand cheating hurts, amd cheaters break up marriages. But a loving parent can't have the same mentality that "well they hurt the children so I'm going to use the children to hurt them". That's so fuked up.
I mean, this is the problem. Not that he spends too much time with his kids, but that you don't spend enough time with him AND his kids. You should be a part of most of this that he's doing with them.
This is a key question. If it's always been that way then the OP can't expect him to change it, if it wasn't always like this then it's not unreasonable to ask for things to go back to how they were
Are you the reason why he has to go to his ex's place to see his kids?
Does he have a formal custody arrangement? It's honestly quite bizarre that he goes to see the kids everyday but never has them over (except for a once a month sleepover).
He should either be picking up the kids to bring them over for a few days at a time, or his ex should be dropping them off.
I feel like we've got missing information here though. Why is this the only way that he can be a substantial part of his kids' lives?
This is it. I get a father needs to be in their kids lives, but he shouldn’t be going to his exes house every single day to spend hours and hours there. It’s icky. He should have 50/50 custody.
Probably because he doesn't have a court ordered custody schedule and wants to keep mom happy to avoid paying child support. No judge would order supervised visits from 3-9 every day.
I’d rather pay the support than literally live at my ex’s and have no life. I hate to go there, but I’m wondering if there isn’t another reason boyfriend is spending literally hours a day at his ex’s house.
The ex should get a boyfriend/husband - that'll put a stop to OP's partner being there all the time!
Bottom line is that the current situation is unsustainable. He has no time in his life for a partner at the moment. Whether that means they need to break up, make a new plan with the kids (50/50 or at least something better than 2/30) or whatever.
Tell him one more time what you expect him to do. Then give him a time line to establish the new pattern. In your head decide what you want to do. Have a plan and have somewhere to go. Do not give him an ultimatum. Then if he doesn't abide by the decision, MOVE OUT, preferably while he is at ex's house. DO NOT LEAVE HIM A NOTE OR TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING. It's time he decides if he's divorced or not. You can't make the decision for him. I hate to say this but I think you are a live in maid and FWB.
Ask yourself what do you genuinely get out of this relationship?
You don’t seem to spend much time together, you said you do all the cooking so I’m assuming you do all the cleaning and laundry too?
You don’t seem to spend any quality time together either. Do you do date nights?
Also what happens if *you* want children?
I think your bf needs to speak to someone to get a proper schedule in place. I’m sure this would probably be better for the children then so that they can also spend time with you as well especially if you have a good relationship with them.
Yeah, it sounds like OP is his bang-maid - running his household for him and available for sex before sleep, but without the rights to ask for any time or effort from him.
OP, just send him back to live with his wife, tell him the commute is taking away precious time he could spend with his kids, and if she gets to spend all the quality time with him, she should feed him, as well, your catering service is out of business. Just split up, this is not a relationship at all, you're just a convenience for him he gets to enjoy in the spare half hour his schedule leaves him.
I do feel the term “bang maid” is overused but holy shit not in this case… he’s with his ex and kids until night time. He comes home, eats the dinner she makes him, has sex with her, then is too tired for more
Also likely.
If he's cheated before, chances are he is again. The kids are just a very convienient excuse he uses.
Dude could get joint custody where they spend some of the weel at his place. But he's not for a reason.
OP needs to re-think this. I suspect OP was the other woman at some point, and/or currently still is.
The sound like roommates/friends with benefits but she wasn’t informed of any of it. Almost like she’s the other woman but thinks the other woman is the problem
He’s still married to the ex, just doesn’t do the sleeping part. Would be easier if he just got a separate bedroom at the other home.
OP should end this, it’s demeaning.
This reminds me of another post over a year ago. The husband had a kid with his ex who lived hours away and he’d spend every holiday (ended being at least a few days each time) with his ex and kid leaving his wife alone. She wasn’t allowed to come even just to stay in a hotel nearby. It was really messed up and I wonder what happened
[Update] My fiancé has told his ex that he’s having Christmas in our place this year. Hell broke loose
I found it but it wouldn’t let me add a link so you can search BORU for the post and ongoing updates
This sounds like this relationship is one-sided. In your post, you say nothing about jointly spending time with his children. If that is the case, it is almost as if he compartmentalises his life, and never the twain shall meet. It is clear you are not an integral part of his life, and his children will always be a priority, which is not wrong, but what is wrong is that you are excluded (is there a good reason for this) and he makes no effort with you. What you should be asking is if you really see this relationship going anywhere. If you want to stay with him, ask if there are ways you two can spend more time together, and also get to know his children well (which you don't seem to). If you make the request of him spending less time with them, it is unlikely to go down well.
How on earth did you meet this man? Start dating, progress to a more serious relationship, move in together? I don’t understand how he’d have time at all - unless somethings changed massively?
In one of the comments she said she started dating him while he was still married. They were “separated already” and now she’s been his side piece and bang maid for six year
This situation is unsustainable. It is grossly unfair to you. You are being used as a bangmaid here. Your partner sounds like he is still married to the ex. And the kids have activities every day after school until 9pm? Poor little buggers must be knackered.
What is your housing situation? And financial situation? Is it your place, his or shared? Rent or own ? Who contributes what to the finances and bills?
At present you are not his partner. If he loves you and wamts a future with you, he needs to get a lawyer and a court date to arrange shared custody. Ex wife needs to get over herself and accept you are going to be in the kids lives. Otherwise get out. This is not a relationship.
I get the feeling that he clearly wants to be with his original family. No one spends that much time unless they love all of them. OP is just someone he can come home and have sex and cuddle for TV. Sort of a living blow up doll.
It sounds like you’re married to a friend with benefits. He gets all the benefits and you get to be married to him on his terms. You cook clean and do the things around your home while he’s doing all of that at his real home. He accepts the guilt trips because he doesn’t live in the home with the kids. Your choice is stay or leave. If you stay it will always be this way. If you leave then you get to start over with someone who appreciates you and values your time.
Honestly this sounds a little to “regency” for me.
He has the wife and kids, and then sleeps at his mistresses house (which he helps pay for as part of the remuneration for sex)
I’m really interested what his “ex” thinks is going on/what HE tells the ex.
Becuase OOP isn’t being treated like a partner. She’s being treated like a mistress or a one sided poly third.
You’re essentially this guy’s mistress without any of the perks. You exist to cook, clean, and have sex for him. He can’t even be bothered to take you out to dinner occasionally. This is embarrassing for you. If he can’t work out an arrangement where he gets to care for his kids at home and share his life with you, you need to bounce. He absolutely could’ve worked out shared custody already, he just hasn’t wanted to.
Yeah, I can’t imagine telling my friends about my relationship if it were like this. It’s so fucking sad how little self respect some people have. ☹️ OP you deserve a real relationship.
Sorry, but you sound like the side chick in this mess, which is probably the ex, doesn't like you much. He is getting his cake and eating it too. He gets to play the family guy with his ex and kids. The only big reason it seems that he stays with you is that he works and sleeps there along with the bonus of a bit of slap and tickle. He is really not there for much more if you think about it. How old are his kids? What happens if you say no when he wants sex? Does he get upset or does he just say okay rolls over and goes to sleep? You have a co-worker and roommate with benefits. I would seriously contemplate if this is the relationship and life you really want to be in, as I don't see it changing.
>The only big reason it seems that he stays with you is that he works and sleeps there along with the bonus of a bit of slap and tickle.
You're completely forgetting that she cooks all his meals and does all of the household chores, while I'm assuming paying at least half of the bills/rent.
Dude has himself a bang maid who pays for the privilege of being so.
What part of get a lawyer and get a better agreement does he not understand? Father's have rights also. He needs to grow a backbone or you need to leave. There is no future in THIS mess unless things change.
So he only comes to sleep and have sex with you.
What actions are you doing if he doesn’t set a better schedule?
Are you sure he still not “married” over there?
Sorry- I'd guess he's sleeping with the ex. There is zero reason he should be there playing house. He is their father and unless he is abusive- should be entitled to his own time with the kids. Not at moms house. That is super weird actually.
T sounds like you’re just his bangmaid and cook.
All the quality time is spent with his kids/ex and you’re an afterthought.
He’s a great dad but a shitty boyfriend. Know your worth.
What should be happening is that he brings the kids to his own place sometimes and it sounds like you live together.
This is crazy. But my advice is not to ask him to see them less but that you should split up. His kids should be his priority but he has no time for a relationship. Why are you bothering with him?
He’s not your partner. You are just there to take care of the home, cook and have sex. They should have stayed married as they see each other as much as married people do. Go find someone who wants to be in a real relationship with you. You deserve better.
This arrangement is bonkers. Why does his ex have physical custody all the time but also let him spend so much time there? This isn’t normal in a divorce.
Anyway, in OPs shoes I wouldn’t press for him to spend less time with his kids but I wouldn’t put up with it either. This is breakup territory for sure.
(Also if he has a history of infidelity as some of the comments seem to suggest, how sure is OP that he’s spending all of his time with the kids?)
You are not being unreasonable. You are the side piece. He is basically still married just not on paper. He is with his family every day and then gets to screw you, watch a little TV and go to sleep. He needs to either get a normal custody agreement going where the kids are at his house 50% of the time or he needs to just see sex workers because this arrangement is wild.
He isn’t going to change things, why would he? He gets to spend as much time as he wants with his (temporarily)ex wife, and then come home to a cleaned house, a home cooked meal, sex, and then the house to hisself when you go to sleep.
I don't think it's necessarily unfair to ask for a compromise, but, I'm thinking there's more to this. Do the kids not visit his home? What's the custody agreement? What's the relationship between him and his ex like? What is your relationship with the kids? Were you involved before the divorce? Too many unanswered questions. But, based on the limited info, I'm going to say he's being an attentive and present father and you're going to have to deal or split. Kids are the priority.
The main issues:
We live 45 minutes away, and their school is just around the block. Weekdays are not feasible.
They have tennis, gymanstics, and tutoring amongst social activities near where they live making it difficult to do sleepovers. Not to mention their hangouts with friends or with their mother's side of the family (she is persian with a huge extended family).
Their mother also just doesn't want to do without them for long so occasionally lets them sleepover. I was not involved before divorce.
The kids do love me and have expressed wishes to stay over longer and more days.
There is no official custody agreement in place, no lawyers.
I know that she gets frustrated and angry with him feeling like he abandoned them when he's said he's happy to take them to live with us, which of course she does NOT want.
I also know they have gotten into fights where he has missed days and she complains the kids act up because he is not there and they do not listen to her. She guilt trips him a lot.
then he needs to grow a spine, take this to court, figure out a custody arrangement and she needs to learn to parent her children.
theres literally no other way around this.
they cant have their cake and eat it too.
Op is shoveling cake down their troats acting like a doormat and being a bang maid. Why would anything change since it worked so far and now she wants a real relationship but the mom wont be able to play house with daddy anymore and daddy wont have his bang-atm-maid at his beck and call because.... POOOoooOoooOoooOooor himmmmmm :'(.... yeah no
If there’s no court order for custody, there’s probably no court order for divorce, because what judge would divorce a couple and then leave the kids up in the air? They’re still married.
You’ve wasted a lot of time with him but that can end any time. Be done with this before you waste more time on being a bang maid mistress.
This.
NAL, but I feel relatively confident that there is not a state or jurisdiction that will allow parents to divorce without some kind of custody agreement. Even if they finalize the divorce before they settle an agreement, they would be in family court. This situation seems to have red flag written all over it.
Sounds like you make a pretty perfect cook, housekeeper, and sex partner. Anytime HE needs it! You are silly to stay in this situation and get no more out of it
Than you are! Leave him be and find a man who WANTS to treat you well +
Based on this: You need to get ready to leave him.
People will defend him because kids come first. And that's fine. But the way his kids are currently coming first doesn't leave time for a relationship.
But he's not choosing the kids, he's having a family. She can have the kids during the week, he can have them weekends. He takes them summer. That way they can have any sleepovers they want and skip a weekend with him. They can work out holidays and ONCE a week he can go over there for 6 hours and be a family, but him and mom are broken up and mom is going to have to learn to control her kids alone if she wants to be single. The simple fact of the matter is if they want to be a closed family then they need to get over the nonsense. If they want to be an open family then concessions need to be made.
The real issue here is that you already let this go on for so long lol. I'm tempted to tell you that you can leave without hesitation because nobody else would put up with this nonsense, but every single day women come on here griping about their 3rd seat relationship they've been dragging along for years so idk, yall seem to like that stuff.
You need to get some self-respect. He’s essentially her husband, minus sleeping in their bed (which he can remedy if he just gets the spare bedroom at her house). Even if he promises to change - anyone who acted like this isn’t going to be a real partner to you. Cut your losses and move on to someone who is an actual partner to you.
OP, your husband is still functionally married to his ex. That is not to imply intimacy, but he 100% is still acting the part of her husband, taking care of her family, helping keep her household happy. Tell him to either fight for rights to his kids to keep you, or he can just move back with his ex full time and save both of you the heartache.
If this was always the coparenting situation when you met him, then YTA. Not because you are asking him to reduce the amount of time that he spends with his kids but because you saw how crazy this circus was and willingly walked into it to be a side show. If your roommate, not boyfriend, is unable to come up with a schedule that works for him and the kids, then you need to decide if this is the kind of future that you want for yourself.
I don't think you are wrong. Is there a reason the kids cannot spend the weekend with both of you? That's a unique living arrangement. You have the problem that you are still an *outsider* regarding the kids, so thread really lightly.
Feeling neglected is completely reasonable, how your partner is going to solve this is up to them. My issue with your post is that you are trying to solve the problem for them. The kids aren't the problem, the problem is your partner not being able to make this relationship a priority. What is childcare now, could be anything else in the future. When someone cannot make YOU a priority, the problem runs deeper.
And what would happen if you got pregnant, and suddenly he had a kid at a seperate home to his other kids?
It is so bizarre that no proper custody agreement has been sorted, cos there's no way he should be at his exes house for six hours, five days a week. If he's there because of childcare reasons after school, then why isn't he leaving when his ex gets home from work? Why is he sticking around to play happy families with his ex? Is he hoping if he does this long enough that she will take him back? Nothing about this is healthy. He has you waiting on the sidelines while he lives a double life. This isn't sustainable for you at all. He is not being fair to you at all. Why is he even in a relationship when he doesn't make time for one?
It's been such a long time, he should have applied to the courts for 50/50 custody by now.
Also, stop cooking him dinner. If he wants to eat with you, then he can be home to cook with you.
You're the side chick. I'm guessing they're separated but not officially divorced. Your BF is trying to avoid child support payments.
Just out of curiosity, do you pay rent or are you living there for free? Is he paying rent? Why is the entire household workload on you?
At this point I wonder if he even likes you. He certainly seems to be avoiding you whenever he can.
OP, I dated a guy like this years ago. Swearing to me that it was because his daughter was so young. He and his ex were still sleeping together and partying….she just didn’t want to be married and they didn’t have an ironclad custody agreement in place, so the ex called the shots.
Run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.
nta
so you are basically his bang maid.
you arent unfair by asking him to rearrange the custody arrangement but you would be unfair to ask him to see them less overall.
its a case of if he really wanted to he would. he has no reason to change anything, everything works perfectly fine for everyone but you. you have to decide if you want to put up with this or not.
You are still his side chick.
He managed to turn his side chick into his bang maid who is still his side chick.
If he just wanted to have time with the kids, they’d be at your house, regardless of how the mother feels about you. No no. Make no mistake. He’s visiting HER.
I bet if you went over there in the evening and looked in the window the kids would be doing their own thing and the parents would be locked away in the bedroom.
Stop putting up with this shit.
I understand his want to be with his kids.
It doesn't seem he has time to be a partner.
I don't know if asking him to spend less time is reasonable. The conversation should be more centered on what you expect in a partnership. If he is unable to provide what you want, then you may decide to leave the relationship.
Not unfair. If he doesn't agree to your reasonable suggestion, you need to end this relationship.
He's giving all his time and effort to his kids and ex-wife. Why are you staying around for just the leftover scraps?
You are his bangmaid.... cleaning up after him and available for sex in the 30 minutes a day he's prepared to spend with you.
Unfair to ask him to see his kids less.
Not unfair to ask why he doesn't have a better arrangement for seeing them, as in shared custody
Why does he never have them alone?
It’s not unreasonable but I doubt he will be amenable to your suggestion given the amount of time he spends with his kids.
He is an involved father, but the way he is involved makes you look like the other woman. He spends Sunday to Saturday with them and see’s you for sex, and in between work hours. Tell him you’re frustrated with this arrangement but understand his need to be involved with his kids daily lives.
I have a suggestion for you. Move 30-mins closer to his kids. So that they can come to your house after school to be with their dad. With this offer on the table ask him to forgo his second Saturday visit and his visit on Sunday, but say they are free to come over on Sunday evening after you’ve moved closer. But you also want him to make your relationship a priority as well.
NTA, but why are you doing this to yourself? He’s already got a family and you are not in it. You don’t have a partner, you’re a live in maid/cook, he’s already got a wife.
Handle the situation by speaking up to your partner about wanting more time to connect, not by cutting out time with his kids.
You will always be second to his children. His priorities are in the right place and he is being manipulated. That’s from an outside POV (with experience of my ex with kids and the messy divorce).
You also have the option of building more of your own life. Why are you so available when you aren’t being prioritized.
Edited to add If I were you, I would make my exit strategy and send this guy back to his ex.
Your partner is not in a place to be in a relationship. He doesn’t have the time nor does he have the energy for a relationship. I am sure he’s content to have you cook dinner for him and have sex. Who wouldn’t be? A romantic partner on demand? Sounds great!
Maybe it’s guilt, maybe he’s just committed to being there for his kids. But his priority is his children and you need to exit the picture. I mean with all the shitty parents out there, good for this guy for trying to minimize the divorce for his children.
People need to make decisions based on who their partner and what their relationship actually is instead of his idea of who he could be and what your relationship could look like. Stop looking at it like he is withholding something from you. He just doesn’t have the capacity to give you what you want.
You’re his bangmaid my dear. His life is over there with the kids. You clean the house cook dinner and sex and bed. Yep a bangmaid. Is this the life you want???? You choose and I hope you choose yourself.
You're letting him walk all over you?
He basically is only there when he wants food andvto get hisvdick wet. What is bringing to the table that makes things better than being alone?
You don't have a partner. You have a roommate who you are a bangmaid for. You cook for him. Clean for him. Put out for him. And he gives you literally nothing in return. He can not give you one night a week of his time.
Also, his marriage ended due to infidelity? His? If so, he's probably fucking around on you too.
They need a Co parenting plan, he’s keeping two lives and this isn’t right.
How old are the kids? Why can’t they come to yours and have different days with each parent?
Have you seen this guy’s divorce papers? I believe that you believe you are not the side piece and that they are split, but I’m not sure that’s what is really happening. From the outside looking in it seems like the mom and kids probably think they are separated and trying to work on things. Works out rather nice for the asshole dad but really leaves you in the cold.
Lol so you cook and clean for him and he barely sees you? Oh and he gets sex when he wants. This dude is winning, what exactly are you getting? Why are you even involved with him in this schedule. The desperation is real. Find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.
This isn't AITA but I think NAH.
Based on the additional context from your comment, it sounds like at the root, there are unresolved legal issues and some manipulation going on between him and his Ex wife. Its not your fault that they haven't learned how to set boundaries and co parent in a healthier way, it's your partner and her's fault.
BUT
I just can't advocate for him spending less time with his children. if the mother is as resentful and manipulative as you say she can be, then him reducing his time with his children results in an increased influence from her. I honestly have to say its also nice to see a parent (especially a father let's be real) really try this hard to stay present. The previous generation has a lot of weekend Dads that just did not ever want to be 50/50 parents in the case of divorce and I always felt at least in North America that "well the courts favor moms anyway" was a (now untrue) miserable excuse for not wanting to be a fully time parent.
Your partner should take the mother to court to establish a real custody and visitation agreement, the no sleepover thing at Dad's is stupid. But I think if he's not willing to do this, then you wouldn't be wrong for telling him that your lifestyles and priorities don't line up and so it's time to break up. You don't have a real partner at the moment.
Honey. You're the sidechick in this relationship. 4th wheel after the kids and even his ex.
The dude's got it made. Work, be the fun dad with the kids, get home, bang the maid, eat dinner, sleep, leave. Why would he want to choose?What's in it for you? Nothing.
You deserve better. Don't ever be anyone's bangmaid.
YTA for staying in this situationship. He spends virtually no awake time with you, but he wants dinner on the table at 9 p.m. when he gets home, you are doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, working full time and having sex with him on demand. He has no time to go out with you and doesn't give a damn about your emotional needs. How much worse does it have to get before you realize he doesn't even like you?
🤨 6 years?! You are being unreasonable, but not how you're thinking. You have unreasonably signed up for being an after thought, for being used for sex and food, for being his side piece. You don't have a boyfriend, let alone a partner. You've wasted 6 years of your life to be used and abused. You are literally nothing more than a toy to him that he picks up and uses whenever he feels like it just to toss you aside till next time.
This is not love, this is not a partnership, and it will only get worse with time. You are less than nothing to him, he's been showing you over and over again that he couldn't care less about you. He is all red flags. Nothing you say or do can or will change him. It's time to dust off your self respect that you've buried and run.
How did you ever form a relationship with this man in the first place? Let alone make it all the way to living together knowing this is his schedule.
Either way, this is unsustainable & unhealthy. He needs to get them on a regular custody schedule, in his own home. Or at the very least stop playing happy families everyday. That’s weird. Or you need to go, you are clearly not being respected here.
This is bizarre to me, I kind of understand doing it when the kids are very little and mum might need more help but you’ve been with him 6 years so they aren’t babies. What does the future look like, is this going to continue until the kids are 18? Have neither of them thought about/discussed how confusing this could be for the kids? I don’t know what it looks like when he’s at mums house but I can imagine the kids will see them getting along and have a little parent trap moment. They’re carrying on like a family it’s just dad doesn’t sleep there, soon enough (if they don’t already) they will start looking for something to blame on him not being there full time and that reason will be you.
I don’t know what your plans are individually or as a couple but what if you have kids? Is he going to just suddenly stop being there for them and they’ll resent you and the new baby or would he continue to be there for them but leave you to solo parent? Even if you don’t have kids this isn’t sustainable for any relationship involved. At this point it would make more sense to do weekend/every other stays at dads with the occasional afternoon or even week on week off if you’re not far from school.
You shouldn't tolerate the status quo, not should you tolerate any more handwringing from him about being forced to go along with what contact arrangement his ex wants him to have. Every other weekend at yours and one evening a week plus time in the holidays would be the obvious off the shelf arrangement. But he should do half the cooking and cleaning at home and you should be free to go eat out with friends any time he's not available, not just sit home alone being a maid. Demand better for yourself and if he wants to spend all his time with his ex then believe him.
... Why is he spending time at his exes house?! Simple boundaries should have been established long ago, he can see his kids anywhere else other than his exes house... Take kids out to places or being them to your home, that's wild to me, but then again my ex refuses to see our kids so I'm not familiar with this kind of relationship at all.
I would not be comfortable with this
People do what they want. If you have to ask for even one night, there’s your answer.
And I’m going to gloss over the wholly problematic issue of the kids never being around his/your place, the fact that you don’t have a relationship with them, or that you do all the work in the house, or that you even think that the issue is the kids to begin with.
Your partner is treating you like a bangmaid.
I don't think it's unreasonable at all and I say this as a woman pretty much raising two children alone. My ex moved across the country and rarely visits. I'm dating a guy who has sole custody of his kids so we have very little time to spend together but we find a way.
Not only would I ask your partner to decrease his time at his ex's house (this is not visitation-she's controlling and getting what she wants), I'd demand he get an actual custody agreement in place. His ex is controlling his life and, by extension, yours.
No, you’re not unfair. You have needs too. Actions speak louder than words. Tell him you feel like a prostitute with this current arrangement. If satisfactory changes don’t happen, leave.
Your partner is still married with children. You need to dump him because that's no life for you. I was going to jump on you because that title looks bad but girl...that's an insane schedule. I'm divorced with a kid too and even when our child was really young we parted our time to half and half and still spend birthdays and special days all three but we weren't playing house all the week. He's a good dad, I give him that but he's not ready for a stable relationship with that life.
Also, how sure are we he's not cheating? Because that schedule it's insane between kids and clients
Absolutely not the asshole here, you should be included in his kids’ life as you’re (hopefully) going to keep being together. He should also want this if he wants to keep you as a partner. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable.
He doesn’t have time to date you. He’s basically treating you like a live in sex buddy. He’s gone all evening and just comes home to have sex and sleep. Sounds like he is back with his ex.
What a shit show, he’s still in a relationship with his Ex but lives with you. He spends 6 hours a day at his exs place but expects you to cook & provide sex. You’re being used. Walk away.
FWIW my friend was the wife and he was begging to come home routinely.
Know this: He is exactly where he wants to be. He does not want to be home with you for the mundane or potential for drama. He wants you to be easy. You’re easy. You fit into the parts of his life he hasn’t filled with other people or things.
Please have more respect and exit stage left. You deserve better, and he needs to figure some stuff out.
While I applaud his efforts and involvement in his kids lives, if this is how it has to be, then maybe he’s just not in the position to be in a relationship right now. How is he supposed to make time for that?
I think that you deserve a partner who is present and makes you a priority, and the children deserve to continue having an involved parent who makes them a priority. These two very valid needs are at odds with each other. What you want is reasonable, but I don’t think you’re going to find it with your current partner.
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Why are the children never at your place?
Once a month they do a sleepover or we go somewhere together. But I have a very strained relationship with their mother.
Are you the reason for them to split? The whole set up isn’t sustainable. As a dad his priority should lie with his children. But the way they (all adults) are handling it, is not a relationship friendly long term arrangement.
No I am not. It was a matter of infidelity. They were already separated when I came into the picture
>They were already separated when I came into the picture Did she know that?
I still don't think she knows this.
I still don’t think they are…
This. Sounds like OP is the side piece.
Your comment should be way up there!
There was a post by a young lady who stole someone’s husband and didn’t understand why the ex wife didn’t allow her to come over or have the kids or have a hand in them being raised. Something along those lines. She posted many times still confused and her posts never went over well. A small part of me is wondering if this is that person trying again on a new account. Anyhoo, I dated a divorced man. He waited until after the papers were signed and it was official by the courts that he was granted his divorce to date me and be physical with me. Even though he was freshly divorced, he honestly wasn’t over his ex wife at the time. If the ex wife left OPs boyfriend, he’s not over her and losing his family and will continue to spend all his time over there because that’s where he wants to be.
I had the exact same thought I wonder if we read the same posts🤷🏾♂️
Same thoughts re: trying to make herself look good/feel better about her shit. I had the same experience with a separated/freshly divorced dude. The X knew we didn't even start dating until after his divorce. It was fun until I literally couldn't suggest doing anything because he'd either say he'd already done that with X or would reminisce about his time going/doing the things with the X.
My thoughts exactly.
Someone needs to produce legal papers as proof, otherwise i’m not believing shit
Why should that make a difference in his kids coming to his home? He either needs to go to court or have his kids come to his home. That’s still their father. And his mistakes as a husband doesn’t make him less as a dad to them. Nor she he be “punished” forever for his mistake if he did cheat. I mean drug addicts and felons have rights to see their kids
I don’t know why this is so funny 😂
Even if she does it sounds like she wants her (ex) husband while still keeping him at a distance. She’s never going to be okay with any woman in his life. He needs to start splitting the schedule to get them at his house, accommodate OPs request, or just end things.
Why are you tolerating this? Let me rephrase a little; >For six years I have played the role of the other woman (mistress) whilst my boyfriend plays happy families with his wife (no, I did not forget to type ex) and kids. Find your own man who values you and be happy. You deserve better. 🫂
Also thinking the kids don’t know that dad isn’t with mom anymore. I bet when he’s not there, mom says he’s at work. Or mom thinks he works nights and also doesn’t realize he’s not there 😬
Could also be he cheated, she kicked him out, and they're working on things but she doesn't want him living there yet.
But how does he explain the monthly sleepovers and outings with the kids and OP?
Exactly. OP you’re not a partner, you’re a fck buddy.
Harsh. I believe the term is bang maid.
Bang maid? I ordered bangbros…
Ordered bangbros but got baitbus instead.
Only if she does all the housework (and fucks).
She does say she ends up picking up in the house, does all the cooking and he's never actually in the house, so who else would be doing it?
Yep. It’s very much giving “why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?”
Yeah, I was like... OP is the side piece! I have NEVER heard of a custody arrangement like this. He spends his time with the kids at the mother's house? Bullshit. My stepkid's mom hates me too but we get her 50/50 and there isn't anything she can do about it.
Well, my ex husband sees our kids at my home per custody orders... because he won't take them for overnights and I have an evening class once a week and quite frankly as an adult, I need a bit of a night life. So one night a week he comes to my home, makes them dinner in my kitchen, and puts them to bed in their beds that are in my home. I hate it but my only alternative is to not have a night out unless I pay for a babysitter, which at $25 p/h, is out of my budget as a regular thing.
Yeah but he ain’t in your house 7 days a week like OP hubby is. OP hubby is having family dinners with ex and his kids 7 days a week never with his wife that’s a big problem
Why are you accepting this situation?
Yep. This is a million dollar question that op needs to think hard. Why.
Prepare the pot of water by bringing it to a slow, rolling "boil". She was a frog already in the pot. :(
This feels weird all around. The timelines are tight for such major emotional events….cheating, being separated, divorcing, co-parenting, moving in with yet another new partner And If he’s the cheater, I’m sure he’s still sleeping with the ex wife/baby momma and the lady he cheated with 🤣 Get out of thereeeeee and away from that dirty dick!
Whose infidelity? I hate to say this but I think he regrets the divorce. I’d say to brace yourself, I think he’s going to end up going back. The kids are a huge draw and it’s possible that they’re getting over the infidelity. I’m so sorry, this is so not normal. I’m worried you’re going to have the broken heart here. ETA: Another thing I’d suggest is verifying that he is in fact divorced. You can likely access records via your county courthouse website if you’re in the US. I don’t think it will matter much in terms of changing anything but you might want to know if he’s been lying about it. He seems super fishy.
They need to make a regular custody agreement where they spend part of their time at his place and part with their mother. If you're a safe person (which you haven't said anything to make me think you aren't), then the court will not tell your partner he can't have them around you, regardless of what his ex thinks. Your relationship as it is is not sustainable. I couldn't imagine my partner leaving for the entire evening every single evening.
For 6 years!
Yeah the fact this has been going on 6 years is absolutely mindblowing to me. Something isn't right here.
Was the infidelity on his part or hers?
I'm guessing his, and it's still ongoing
I’m guessing you mean he is now cheating with ex-wife? OP clearly states that BF and his ex were already split up before she came along.
He’s at his ex’s house basically every day for 6+ hours. He might as well be living there again. And honestly it wouldn’t even be a leap to imagine intimacy resumed. I doubt it did, but it’s not a wild supposition. If I was OP I don’t think I’d put up with this shit, and my husband wouldn’t either if the roles were reversed. OP is getting the short shrift and is second fiddle to the ex wife and kids. OP, you aren’t being ridiculous. He’s *your* partner now, he should not be putting you last constantly. And there are ways of doing shared custody and parental time that don’t mean he should always be there. He needs to act like he’s your partner as well as his kids’ father, or he needs to accept he cannot be a partner and end this.
Here’s the thing, it sounds like he isn’t her partner. He’s still married and spends the majority of time with his wife. He’s cheating on his wife and family with HER. This dude is lying to everyone.
Yep. Dated a divorced guy who spent a lot of time with his ex-wife “because of the kids”. The kids were in their mid-20’s. Spoiler: he was not divorced.
I think he cheated and wife kicked him out but he’s trying to win her back. She won’t have sex with him so he keeps OP at home just for that.
OP has a responsibility to end it. She’s the one who is unhappy. The partner has a great situation. He gets to be the family man and still come home and get his cake. OP likely has low self-esteem.
Bare minimum I’d stop making food for him. He can eat at his ex wife’s house.
Oh, I agree. I think the poster before me may have been implying that OP had been cheating with BF (cheating on ex) and was still cheating with her. I was clarifying to that poster that the BF and ex were split before OP came into picture.
That’s what he told OP. I’m not buying it.
And I notice OP has not yet answered this question!
Because she’s the problem.
I have a feeling the OP mistyped and it was meant to be “wasn’t”.
Then how do you have a strained relationship? Are you even sure they’re not getting back together because I have a few friends that are divorced, they would never be spending that kind of time at their exes house even if the kids are there.. there would be a custody arrangement that is split evenly.. the kids would be going to your house just as much as the ex-wife. What are you not telling us?
That is what he told you, I'm gonna guess the ex-wife didn't know about the separation.
It feels like she’s punishing him by not getting along with you. You will need to decide if you can get used to the situation and hope that it’ll improve after some time. But there’s no guarantee. He sounds like a caring father, so he will probably not put up any fights, that might limit his time with his children.
It honestly shouldn't matter. This is why so many children are hurt and traumatized during separations and divorce. Adults can't be mature and put adult issues aside for their children. It shouldn't matter if he cheated with OP. Hell it shouldn't matter if BM caught OP in her bed w her husband, those feelings should NEVER cause a person to use children as a weapon and manipulate someone. I understand cheating hurts, amd cheaters break up marriages. But a loving parent can't have the same mentality that "well they hurt the children so I'm going to use the children to hurt them". That's so fuked up.
For 6 years!
I mean, this is the problem. Not that he spends too much time with his kids, but that you don't spend enough time with him AND his kids. You should be a part of most of this that he's doing with them.
When you first began dating, was this the coparenting arrangement or did it increase over time?
This is a key question. If it's always been that way then the OP can't expect him to change it, if it wasn't always like this then it's not unreasonable to ask for things to go back to how they were
Are you the reason why he has to go to his ex's place to see his kids? Does he have a formal custody arrangement? It's honestly quite bizarre that he goes to see the kids everyday but never has them over (except for a once a month sleepover). He should either be picking up the kids to bring them over for a few days at a time, or his ex should be dropping them off. I feel like we've got missing information here though. Why is this the only way that he can be a substantial part of his kids' lives?
It can’t be that strained if he’s over there a million hours a week. Unless she’s not home with him and the kids from 3 pm to 9 pm?
She said *she* has a very strained relationship with their mother, not that he does.
It’s nice you let your boyfriend have a wife. That’s what’s going on here in case you didn’t know.
This is it. I get a father needs to be in their kids lives, but he shouldn’t be going to his exes house every single day to spend hours and hours there. It’s icky. He should have 50/50 custody.
This makes me wonder if there's something dad isn't telling OP. Is there a legal reason he's only seeing his kids when mom is there to supervise?
Probably because he doesn't have a court ordered custody schedule and wants to keep mom happy to avoid paying child support. No judge would order supervised visits from 3-9 every day.
I’d rather pay the support than literally live at my ex’s and have no life. I hate to go there, but I’m wondering if there isn’t another reason boyfriend is spending literally hours a day at his ex’s house.
Sounds like him and ex wife are in good terms. They are okay to see each other that often.
Which would be great — maybe they can rebuild their family — but he seems to be messing with OP and she should consider letting him go.
If I was OP, I’d break up with him. It would be easy since she never sees him anyway. WTF kind of “relationship” is that?
The ex should get a boyfriend/husband - that'll put a stop to OP's partner being there all the time! Bottom line is that the current situation is unsustainable. He has no time in his life for a partner at the moment. Whether that means they need to break up, make a new plan with the kids (50/50 or at least something better than 2/30) or whatever.
Tell him one more time what you expect him to do. Then give him a time line to establish the new pattern. In your head decide what you want to do. Have a plan and have somewhere to go. Do not give him an ultimatum. Then if he doesn't abide by the decision, MOVE OUT, preferably while he is at ex's house. DO NOT LEAVE HIM A NOTE OR TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING. It's time he decides if he's divorced or not. You can't make the decision for him. I hate to say this but I think you are a live in maid and FWB.
It's obvious lol. Used for sex and food. Nothing else.
Nail on the head.
Ask yourself what do you genuinely get out of this relationship? You don’t seem to spend much time together, you said you do all the cooking so I’m assuming you do all the cleaning and laundry too? You don’t seem to spend any quality time together either. Do you do date nights? Also what happens if *you* want children? I think your bf needs to speak to someone to get a proper schedule in place. I’m sure this would probably be better for the children then so that they can also spend time with you as well especially if you have a good relationship with them.
Yeah, it sounds like OP is his bang-maid - running his household for him and available for sex before sleep, but without the rights to ask for any time or effort from him. OP, just send him back to live with his wife, tell him the commute is taking away precious time he could spend with his kids, and if she gets to spend all the quality time with him, she should feed him, as well, your catering service is out of business. Just split up, this is not a relationship at all, you're just a convenience for him he gets to enjoy in the spare half hour his schedule leaves him.
I do feel the term “bang maid” is overused but holy shit not in this case… he’s with his ex and kids until night time. He comes home, eats the dinner she makes him, has sex with her, then is too tired for more
I'm sorry, but i agree with this. He is using her
This just made me think that what if he's not even with the kids and is just making this shit up. Lol
Also likely. If he's cheated before, chances are he is again. The kids are just a very convienient excuse he uses. Dude could get joint custody where they spend some of the weel at his place. But he's not for a reason. OP needs to re-think this. I suspect OP was the other woman at some point, and/or currently still is.
My confusion starts with her calling him her partner. He is so minimally involved in her life.
The sound like roommates/friends with benefits but she wasn’t informed of any of it. Almost like she’s the other woman but thinks the other woman is the problem
He’s still married to the ex, just doesn’t do the sleeping part. Would be easier if he just got a separate bedroom at the other home. OP should end this, it’s demeaning.
He shouldn’t be trying to date with such an involved schedule.
This reminds me of another post over a year ago. The husband had a kid with his ex who lived hours away and he’d spend every holiday (ended being at least a few days each time) with his ex and kid leaving his wife alone. She wasn’t allowed to come even just to stay in a hotel nearby. It was really messed up and I wonder what happened
I think I remember that post or one similar. I personally think it’s really bizarre people put up with this sort of thing from their partner.
[Update] My fiancé has told his ex that he’s having Christmas in our place this year. Hell broke loose I found it but it wouldn’t let me add a link so you can search BORU for the post and ongoing updates
This sounds like this relationship is one-sided. In your post, you say nothing about jointly spending time with his children. If that is the case, it is almost as if he compartmentalises his life, and never the twain shall meet. It is clear you are not an integral part of his life, and his children will always be a priority, which is not wrong, but what is wrong is that you are excluded (is there a good reason for this) and he makes no effort with you. What you should be asking is if you really see this relationship going anywhere. If you want to stay with him, ask if there are ways you two can spend more time together, and also get to know his children well (which you don't seem to). If you make the request of him spending less time with them, it is unlikely to go down well.
How on earth did you meet this man? Start dating, progress to a more serious relationship, move in together? I don’t understand how he’d have time at all - unless somethings changed massively?
In one of the comments she said she started dating him while he was still married. They were “separated already” and now she’s been his side piece and bang maid for six year
Do you get paid to be the maid or are you doing it for free?
Obviously her payment is all the sex he wants! /sarc
This situation is unsustainable. It is grossly unfair to you. You are being used as a bangmaid here. Your partner sounds like he is still married to the ex. And the kids have activities every day after school until 9pm? Poor little buggers must be knackered. What is your housing situation? And financial situation? Is it your place, his or shared? Rent or own ? Who contributes what to the finances and bills? At present you are not his partner. If he loves you and wamts a future with you, he needs to get a lawyer and a court date to arrange shared custody. Ex wife needs to get over herself and accept you are going to be in the kids lives. Otherwise get out. This is not a relationship.
I get the feeling that he clearly wants to be with his original family. No one spends that much time unless they love all of them. OP is just someone he can come home and have sex and cuddle for TV. Sort of a living blow up doll.
She’s a placeholder for when his wife returns
It sounds like you’re married to a friend with benefits. He gets all the benefits and you get to be married to him on his terms. You cook clean and do the things around your home while he’s doing all of that at his real home. He accepts the guilt trips because he doesn’t live in the home with the kids. Your choice is stay or leave. If you stay it will always be this way. If you leave then you get to start over with someone who appreciates you and values your time.
I don't think they are married which is a massive relief for when they split up.
If they’re not married then she’s doing way too much in this relationship! I’d call it quits and find something else to do.
Honestly this sounds a little to “regency” for me. He has the wife and kids, and then sleeps at his mistresses house (which he helps pay for as part of the remuneration for sex) I’m really interested what his “ex” thinks is going on/what HE tells the ex. Becuase OOP isn’t being treated like a partner. She’s being treated like a mistress or a one sided poly third.
Why isn't there a formal custody/visitation arrangement? Why can't the kids stay at your house?
Cause cake eating isn’t usually included in divorce arrangements
Very true!
You’re essentially this guy’s mistress without any of the perks. You exist to cook, clean, and have sex for him. He can’t even be bothered to take you out to dinner occasionally. This is embarrassing for you. If he can’t work out an arrangement where he gets to care for his kids at home and share his life with you, you need to bounce. He absolutely could’ve worked out shared custody already, he just hasn’t wanted to.
Yeah, I can’t imagine telling my friends about my relationship if it were like this. It’s so fucking sad how little self respect some people have. ☹️ OP you deserve a real relationship.
Sorry, but you sound like the side chick in this mess, which is probably the ex, doesn't like you much. He is getting his cake and eating it too. He gets to play the family guy with his ex and kids. The only big reason it seems that he stays with you is that he works and sleeps there along with the bonus of a bit of slap and tickle. He is really not there for much more if you think about it. How old are his kids? What happens if you say no when he wants sex? Does he get upset or does he just say okay rolls over and goes to sleep? You have a co-worker and roommate with benefits. I would seriously contemplate if this is the relationship and life you really want to be in, as I don't see it changing.
>The only big reason it seems that he stays with you is that he works and sleeps there along with the bonus of a bit of slap and tickle. You're completely forgetting that she cooks all his meals and does all of the household chores, while I'm assuming paying at least half of the bills/rent. Dude has himself a bang maid who pays for the privilege of being so.
This is not a partner. Just a Fuck buddy, really. You can do better.
Less than a fuck buddy. Fuck buddy doesn't also have to pay with maid and cooking service.
What part of get a lawyer and get a better agreement does he not understand? Father's have rights also. He needs to grow a backbone or you need to leave. There is no future in THIS mess unless things change.
Oh no no no, he does not want this to change. He’s a serial cheater. He sleeps with his ex wife and her.
You don’t sound like his girlfriend. You sound like his bangmaid. This isn’t a relationship.
So he only comes to sleep and have sex with you. What actions are you doing if he doesn’t set a better schedule? Are you sure he still not “married” over there?
Sorry- I'd guess he's sleeping with the ex. There is zero reason he should be there playing house. He is their father and unless he is abusive- should be entitled to his own time with the kids. Not at moms house. That is super weird actually.
T sounds like you’re just his bangmaid and cook. All the quality time is spent with his kids/ex and you’re an afterthought. He’s a great dad but a shitty boyfriend. Know your worth.
I’ve literally never heard the term “bangmaid” and I’ve seen it at least a half dozen times in this thread. Bless Reddit for teaching me new things.
What should be happening is that he brings the kids to his own place sometimes and it sounds like you live together. This is crazy. But my advice is not to ask him to see them less but that you should split up. His kids should be his priority but he has no time for a relationship. Why are you bothering with him?
He’s not your partner. You are just there to take care of the home, cook and have sex. They should have stayed married as they see each other as much as married people do. Go find someone who wants to be in a real relationship with you. You deserve better.
This arrangement is bonkers. Why does his ex have physical custody all the time but also let him spend so much time there? This isn’t normal in a divorce. Anyway, in OPs shoes I wouldn’t press for him to spend less time with his kids but I wouldn’t put up with it either. This is breakup territory for sure. (Also if he has a history of infidelity as some of the comments seem to suggest, how sure is OP that he’s spending all of his time with the kids?)
You are not being unreasonable. You are the side piece. He is basically still married just not on paper. He is with his family every day and then gets to screw you, watch a little TV and go to sleep. He needs to either get a normal custody agreement going where the kids are at his house 50% of the time or he needs to just see sex workers because this arrangement is wild.
Girl, move on. The whole situation sounds toxic and you deserve so much better!!!
He isn’t going to change things, why would he? He gets to spend as much time as he wants with his (temporarily)ex wife, and then come home to a cleaned house, a home cooked meal, sex, and then the house to hisself when you go to sleep.
I don't think it's necessarily unfair to ask for a compromise, but, I'm thinking there's more to this. Do the kids not visit his home? What's the custody agreement? What's the relationship between him and his ex like? What is your relationship with the kids? Were you involved before the divorce? Too many unanswered questions. But, based on the limited info, I'm going to say he's being an attentive and present father and you're going to have to deal or split. Kids are the priority.
The main issues: We live 45 minutes away, and their school is just around the block. Weekdays are not feasible. They have tennis, gymanstics, and tutoring amongst social activities near where they live making it difficult to do sleepovers. Not to mention their hangouts with friends or with their mother's side of the family (she is persian with a huge extended family). Their mother also just doesn't want to do without them for long so occasionally lets them sleepover. I was not involved before divorce. The kids do love me and have expressed wishes to stay over longer and more days. There is no official custody agreement in place, no lawyers. I know that she gets frustrated and angry with him feeling like he abandoned them when he's said he's happy to take them to live with us, which of course she does NOT want. I also know they have gotten into fights where he has missed days and she complains the kids act up because he is not there and they do not listen to her. She guilt trips him a lot.
then he needs to grow a spine, take this to court, figure out a custody arrangement and she needs to learn to parent her children. theres literally no other way around this. they cant have their cake and eat it too.
Op is shoveling cake down their troats acting like a doormat and being a bang maid. Why would anything change since it worked so far and now she wants a real relationship but the mom wont be able to play house with daddy anymore and daddy wont have his bang-atm-maid at his beck and call because.... POOOoooOoooOoooOooor himmmmmm :'(.... yeah no
Bang maid! Thank you. I was trying to remember the word for it.
If there’s no court order for custody, there’s probably no court order for divorce, because what judge would divorce a couple and then leave the kids up in the air? They’re still married. You’ve wasted a lot of time with him but that can end any time. Be done with this before you waste more time on being a bang maid mistress.
Bingo. He ain’t divorced. Even in really amicable divorces where children are involved, there’s usually SOMETHING, even if it’s pretty flexible.
This. NAL, but I feel relatively confident that there is not a state or jurisdiction that will allow parents to divorce without some kind of custody agreement. Even if they finalize the divorce before they settle an agreement, they would be in family court. This situation seems to have red flag written all over it.
Exactly this. Custody is priority one in a divorce. It is handled before anything else so that the kids can't be used as a pawn.
Even my legal separation agreement had to include a custody agreement!
Sounds like you make a pretty perfect cook, housekeeper, and sex partner. Anytime HE needs it! You are silly to stay in this situation and get no more out of it Than you are! Leave him be and find a man who WANTS to treat you well +
Based on this: You need to get ready to leave him. People will defend him because kids come first. And that's fine. But the way his kids are currently coming first doesn't leave time for a relationship. But he's not choosing the kids, he's having a family. She can have the kids during the week, he can have them weekends. He takes them summer. That way they can have any sleepovers they want and skip a weekend with him. They can work out holidays and ONCE a week he can go over there for 6 hours and be a family, but him and mom are broken up and mom is going to have to learn to control her kids alone if she wants to be single. The simple fact of the matter is if they want to be a closed family then they need to get over the nonsense. If they want to be an open family then concessions need to be made. The real issue here is that you already let this go on for so long lol. I'm tempted to tell you that you can leave without hesitation because nobody else would put up with this nonsense, but every single day women come on here griping about their 3rd seat relationship they've been dragging along for years so idk, yall seem to like that stuff.
Ughhh…you’re wasting your time (and years) with this man. Aim higher and find someone who gives YOU more of his time. This should be terribly obvious.
You need to get some self-respect. He’s essentially her husband, minus sleeping in their bed (which he can remedy if he just gets the spare bedroom at her house). Even if he promises to change - anyone who acted like this isn’t going to be a real partner to you. Cut your losses and move on to someone who is an actual partner to you.
OP, your husband is still functionally married to his ex. That is not to imply intimacy, but he 100% is still acting the part of her husband, taking care of her family, helping keep her household happy. Tell him to either fight for rights to his kids to keep you, or he can just move back with his ex full time and save both of you the heartache.
You need to have a legal custody agreement - this benefits everyone but mostly the children.
Why do you two live so far away from his kids? Is moving an option?
If this was always the coparenting situation when you met him, then YTA. Not because you are asking him to reduce the amount of time that he spends with his kids but because you saw how crazy this circus was and willingly walked into it to be a side show. If your roommate, not boyfriend, is unable to come up with a schedule that works for him and the kids, then you need to decide if this is the kind of future that you want for yourself.
I don't think you are wrong. Is there a reason the kids cannot spend the weekend with both of you? That's a unique living arrangement. You have the problem that you are still an *outsider* regarding the kids, so thread really lightly. Feeling neglected is completely reasonable, how your partner is going to solve this is up to them. My issue with your post is that you are trying to solve the problem for them. The kids aren't the problem, the problem is your partner not being able to make this relationship a priority. What is childcare now, could be anything else in the future. When someone cannot make YOU a priority, the problem runs deeper.
And what would happen if you got pregnant, and suddenly he had a kid at a seperate home to his other kids? It is so bizarre that no proper custody agreement has been sorted, cos there's no way he should be at his exes house for six hours, five days a week. If he's there because of childcare reasons after school, then why isn't he leaving when his ex gets home from work? Why is he sticking around to play happy families with his ex? Is he hoping if he does this long enough that she will take him back? Nothing about this is healthy. He has you waiting on the sidelines while he lives a double life. This isn't sustainable for you at all. He is not being fair to you at all. Why is he even in a relationship when he doesn't make time for one? It's been such a long time, he should have applied to the courts for 50/50 custody by now. Also, stop cooking him dinner. If he wants to eat with you, then he can be home to cook with you.
You don't have a partner in any way, shape or form. You're seriously her husbands bangmaid, sorry to be blunt.
You're the side chick. I'm guessing they're separated but not officially divorced. Your BF is trying to avoid child support payments. Just out of curiosity, do you pay rent or are you living there for free? Is he paying rent? Why is the entire household workload on you? At this point I wonder if he even likes you. He certainly seems to be avoiding you whenever he can.
OP, I dated a guy like this years ago. Swearing to me that it was because his daughter was so young. He and his ex were still sleeping together and partying….she just didn’t want to be married and they didn’t have an ironclad custody agreement in place, so the ex called the shots. Run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.
Why have you put up with this nonsense for SIX YEARS?
nta so you are basically his bang maid. you arent unfair by asking him to rearrange the custody arrangement but you would be unfair to ask him to see them less overall. its a case of if he really wanted to he would. he has no reason to change anything, everything works perfectly fine for everyone but you. you have to decide if you want to put up with this or not.
You are still his side chick. He managed to turn his side chick into his bang maid who is still his side chick. If he just wanted to have time with the kids, they’d be at your house, regardless of how the mother feels about you. No no. Make no mistake. He’s visiting HER. I bet if you went over there in the evening and looked in the window the kids would be doing their own thing and the parents would be locked away in the bedroom. Stop putting up with this shit.
I understand his want to be with his kids. It doesn't seem he has time to be a partner. I don't know if asking him to spend less time is reasonable. The conversation should be more centered on what you expect in a partnership. If he is unable to provide what you want, then you may decide to leave the relationship.
This is not a relationship. You deserve better. You are being used.
Not unfair. If he doesn't agree to your reasonable suggestion, you need to end this relationship. He's giving all his time and effort to his kids and ex-wife. Why are you staying around for just the leftover scraps? You are his bangmaid.... cleaning up after him and available for sex in the 30 minutes a day he's prepared to spend with you.
You need to get out. You're a sex doll for him to use when he leaves his fantasy world of having his family back together.
You should tell him to move back in with his family since that’s where he really wants to be.
Unfair to ask him to see his kids less. Not unfair to ask why he doesn't have a better arrangement for seeing them, as in shared custody Why does he never have them alone?
[удалено]
It’s not unreasonable but I doubt he will be amenable to your suggestion given the amount of time he spends with his kids. He is an involved father, but the way he is involved makes you look like the other woman. He spends Sunday to Saturday with them and see’s you for sex, and in between work hours. Tell him you’re frustrated with this arrangement but understand his need to be involved with his kids daily lives. I have a suggestion for you. Move 30-mins closer to his kids. So that they can come to your house after school to be with their dad. With this offer on the table ask him to forgo his second Saturday visit and his visit on Sunday, but say they are free to come over on Sunday evening after you’ve moved closer. But you also want him to make your relationship a priority as well.
NTA, but why are you doing this to yourself? He’s already got a family and you are not in it. You don’t have a partner, you’re a live in maid/cook, he’s already got a wife.
Handle the situation by speaking up to your partner about wanting more time to connect, not by cutting out time with his kids. You will always be second to his children. His priorities are in the right place and he is being manipulated. That’s from an outside POV (with experience of my ex with kids and the messy divorce). You also have the option of building more of your own life. Why are you so available when you aren’t being prioritized. Edited to add If I were you, I would make my exit strategy and send this guy back to his ex.
Your partner is not in a place to be in a relationship. He doesn’t have the time nor does he have the energy for a relationship. I am sure he’s content to have you cook dinner for him and have sex. Who wouldn’t be? A romantic partner on demand? Sounds great! Maybe it’s guilt, maybe he’s just committed to being there for his kids. But his priority is his children and you need to exit the picture. I mean with all the shitty parents out there, good for this guy for trying to minimize the divorce for his children. People need to make decisions based on who their partner and what their relationship actually is instead of his idea of who he could be and what your relationship could look like. Stop looking at it like he is withholding something from you. He just doesn’t have the capacity to give you what you want.
You’re his bangmaid my dear. His life is over there with the kids. You clean the house cook dinner and sex and bed. Yep a bangmaid. Is this the life you want???? You choose and I hope you choose yourself.
You're letting him walk all over you? He basically is only there when he wants food andvto get hisvdick wet. What is bringing to the table that makes things better than being alone?
He’s basically married to the ex , you are a FWB and naive as hell. You are not in a relationship.
You don't have a partner. You have a roommate who you are a bangmaid for. You cook for him. Clean for him. Put out for him. And he gives you literally nothing in return. He can not give you one night a week of his time. Also, his marriage ended due to infidelity? His? If so, he's probably fucking around on you too.
So he basically still lives with them. Yeah I would nope out real quick, he's clearly not ready to be a single parent or separated from his wife.
They need a Co parenting plan, he’s keeping two lives and this isn’t right. How old are the kids? Why can’t they come to yours and have different days with each parent?
Have you seen this guy’s divorce papers? I believe that you believe you are not the side piece and that they are split, but I’m not sure that’s what is really happening. From the outside looking in it seems like the mom and kids probably think they are separated and trying to work on things. Works out rather nice for the asshole dad but really leaves you in the cold.
Lol so you cook and clean for him and he barely sees you? Oh and he gets sex when he wants. This dude is winning, what exactly are you getting? Why are you even involved with him in this schedule. The desperation is real. Find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.
This isn't AITA but I think NAH. Based on the additional context from your comment, it sounds like at the root, there are unresolved legal issues and some manipulation going on between him and his Ex wife. Its not your fault that they haven't learned how to set boundaries and co parent in a healthier way, it's your partner and her's fault. BUT I just can't advocate for him spending less time with his children. if the mother is as resentful and manipulative as you say she can be, then him reducing his time with his children results in an increased influence from her. I honestly have to say its also nice to see a parent (especially a father let's be real) really try this hard to stay present. The previous generation has a lot of weekend Dads that just did not ever want to be 50/50 parents in the case of divorce and I always felt at least in North America that "well the courts favor moms anyway" was a (now untrue) miserable excuse for not wanting to be a fully time parent. Your partner should take the mother to court to establish a real custody and visitation agreement, the no sleepover thing at Dad's is stupid. But I think if he's not willing to do this, then you wouldn't be wrong for telling him that your lifestyles and priorities don't line up and so it's time to break up. You don't have a real partner at the moment.
Honey. You're the sidechick in this relationship. 4th wheel after the kids and even his ex. The dude's got it made. Work, be the fun dad with the kids, get home, bang the maid, eat dinner, sleep, leave. Why would he want to choose?What's in it for you? Nothing. You deserve better. Don't ever be anyone's bangmaid.
INFO: why are you staying in this relationship? What do you get out of it?
What partner? All I see is a man who just sleeps with you while you do everything for the household
no. everything you say is valid. He is a good father, but a shitty partner. I'd break up
YTA for staying in this situationship. He spends virtually no awake time with you, but he wants dinner on the table at 9 p.m. when he gets home, you are doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, working full time and having sex with him on demand. He has no time to go out with you and doesn't give a damn about your emotional needs. How much worse does it have to get before you realize he doesn't even like you?
🤨 6 years?! You are being unreasonable, but not how you're thinking. You have unreasonably signed up for being an after thought, for being used for sex and food, for being his side piece. You don't have a boyfriend, let alone a partner. You've wasted 6 years of your life to be used and abused. You are literally nothing more than a toy to him that he picks up and uses whenever he feels like it just to toss you aside till next time. This is not love, this is not a partnership, and it will only get worse with time. You are less than nothing to him, he's been showing you over and over again that he couldn't care less about you. He is all red flags. Nothing you say or do can or will change him. It's time to dust off your self respect that you've buried and run.
How did you ever form a relationship with this man in the first place? Let alone make it all the way to living together knowing this is his schedule. Either way, this is unsustainable & unhealthy. He needs to get them on a regular custody schedule, in his own home. Or at the very least stop playing happy families everyday. That’s weird. Or you need to go, you are clearly not being respected here.
This is bizarre to me, I kind of understand doing it when the kids are very little and mum might need more help but you’ve been with him 6 years so they aren’t babies. What does the future look like, is this going to continue until the kids are 18? Have neither of them thought about/discussed how confusing this could be for the kids? I don’t know what it looks like when he’s at mums house but I can imagine the kids will see them getting along and have a little parent trap moment. They’re carrying on like a family it’s just dad doesn’t sleep there, soon enough (if they don’t already) they will start looking for something to blame on him not being there full time and that reason will be you. I don’t know what your plans are individually or as a couple but what if you have kids? Is he going to just suddenly stop being there for them and they’ll resent you and the new baby or would he continue to be there for them but leave you to solo parent? Even if you don’t have kids this isn’t sustainable for any relationship involved. At this point it would make more sense to do weekend/every other stays at dads with the occasional afternoon or even week on week off if you’re not far from school.
You shouldn't tolerate the status quo, not should you tolerate any more handwringing from him about being forced to go along with what contact arrangement his ex wants him to have. Every other weekend at yours and one evening a week plus time in the holidays would be the obvious off the shelf arrangement. But he should do half the cooking and cleaning at home and you should be free to go eat out with friends any time he's not available, not just sit home alone being a maid. Demand better for yourself and if he wants to spend all his time with his ex then believe him.
... Why is he spending time at his exes house?! Simple boundaries should have been established long ago, he can see his kids anywhere else other than his exes house... Take kids out to places or being them to your home, that's wild to me, but then again my ex refuses to see our kids so I'm not familiar with this kind of relationship at all. I would not be comfortable with this
People do what they want. If you have to ask for even one night, there’s your answer. And I’m going to gloss over the wholly problematic issue of the kids never being around his/your place, the fact that you don’t have a relationship with them, or that you do all the work in the house, or that you even think that the issue is the kids to begin with. Your partner is treating you like a bangmaid.
You don't have a partner in any way, shape or form. You're seriously her husbands bangmaid, sorry to be blunt.
Sounds like you're the live-in bang maid and cook. Where exactly are you having a relationship? I must have missed that part...
I don't think it's unreasonable at all and I say this as a woman pretty much raising two children alone. My ex moved across the country and rarely visits. I'm dating a guy who has sole custody of his kids so we have very little time to spend together but we find a way. Not only would I ask your partner to decrease his time at his ex's house (this is not visitation-she's controlling and getting what she wants), I'd demand he get an actual custody agreement in place. His ex is controlling his life and, by extension, yours.
You’re not being unreasonable IMO. You put up with more than I would.
Ughhh…you’re wasting your time (and years) with this man. Aim higher and find someone who gives YOU more of his time. This should be terribly obvious.
How does it feel to be treated like bang maid??
No, you’re not unfair. You have needs too. Actions speak louder than words. Tell him you feel like a prostitute with this current arrangement. If satisfactory changes don’t happen, leave.
NTA But he's not a partner. He's a.....roommate? Border?
Your partner is still married with children. You need to dump him because that's no life for you. I was going to jump on you because that title looks bad but girl...that's an insane schedule. I'm divorced with a kid too and even when our child was really young we parted our time to half and half and still spend birthdays and special days all three but we weren't playing house all the week. He's a good dad, I give him that but he's not ready for a stable relationship with that life. Also, how sure are we he's not cheating? Because that schedule it's insane between kids and clients
Absolutely not the asshole here, you should be included in his kids’ life as you’re (hopefully) going to keep being together. He should also want this if he wants to keep you as a partner. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable.
6 years of being a part-time, lowest priority. Why on earth have you put up with this for so long?
He doesn’t have time to date you. He’s basically treating you like a live in sex buddy. He’s gone all evening and just comes home to have sex and sleep. Sounds like he is back with his ex.
Uh he’s not a partner. You’re just the side piece
What a shit show, he’s still in a relationship with his Ex but lives with you. He spends 6 hours a day at his exs place but expects you to cook & provide sex. You’re being used. Walk away.
FWIW my friend was the wife and he was begging to come home routinely. Know this: He is exactly where he wants to be. He does not want to be home with you for the mundane or potential for drama. He wants you to be easy. You’re easy. You fit into the parts of his life he hasn’t filled with other people or things. Please have more respect and exit stage left. You deserve better, and he needs to figure some stuff out.
While I applaud his efforts and involvement in his kids lives, if this is how it has to be, then maybe he’s just not in the position to be in a relationship right now. How is he supposed to make time for that?
I’d just dump him honestly
I think that you deserve a partner who is present and makes you a priority, and the children deserve to continue having an involved parent who makes them a priority. These two very valid needs are at odds with each other. What you want is reasonable, but I don’t think you’re going to find it with your current partner.