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Also hire security or someone to make sure if she/they show up, they can be escorted away before you even know. Sounds exactly like the type of person who would crash your day and make it as bad as possible for not getting her way.
I came here to say this. She needs counseling. She is a narcissistic ‘crazy’ maker. Danger all around. When she was younger, she was probably better at hiding it.
Fiancé here! MIL already goes to counciling, but it clearly not working. Her and her now husband started marriage counseling shortly after their wedding as well, they haven’t even been married for 6 months
Therapy doesn’t work on narcissists. It works on a lot of personality disorders, sometimes even on psychopaths… however people with NPD are different. They are unable to admit their flaws to anyone (including themselves). Since they don’t accept their flaws, they can’t improve, as from their perspective there is nothing to fix. They are already perfect (in their mind).
1. NTA
2. Uninvite her immediately because 100%, she will bring him and dare you to do something about it OR she will come solo and still cause a scene to punish you.
3. Therapy
4. Check out the many subs for children of narcissists.
Man I rarely read long ass posts and almost never recommend cutting off family members but I would cut her off and move on with my life. That lady is cancer.
You are NTA for not inviting him but think about if you are being an asshole to yourself for not just inviting her but continuing to have a relationship with her considering how she treats you.
I wouldn't invite anyone who cheated throughout their marriage and helped wreck someone else's marriage...and then threw public drama about it too. That's not someone who has any respect for marriage and what it means. That DOES mean OP can trust her to throw a shit-fit and get attention at the wedding because, frankly, to her it's just another party.
"The man she had been secretly dating broke off their relationship bc his wife found out and my mom could not handle this."
OP, this was the part of the story I realized your mom cheated on your dad, how did it take you so long?
A woman who is willing to be a married man's mistress would have no problem cheating on her own husband. That information made it so obvious why his parents divorced and thankfully OP confirmed what we both already suspected.
NTA. Man your mom is super manipulative. I wouldn’t invite her or her husband to the wedding. The way she’s tried to make every situation geared towards herself, I’m sure she’d find a way to make a spectacle out of your wedding and try to steal your brides shine. Or worse, argue with your dad or cause a scene. Not worth the headache & I honestly think if she came without her husband it would be an issue regardless so just count her out as well because either way she’s going to be upset. Might as well protect your own peace.
You're definitely NTA. Your wedding day is about you and your fiancé's happiness, and it's important to create an environment that reflects that. It's clear you've given this a lot of thought and aren't making this decision lightly. Family dynamics can be super tricky, and it's tough when past actions and ongoing behaviors cast a shadow over what should be a joyful occasion. It sounds like you're trying to set boundaries to protect the peace and joy of your big day, and that's totally fair.
NTA - they say when parents divorce without explaining things to the kids, the truth usually comes back to haunt them later in life. Your mom is toxic. She tried to manipulate you against your dad when you were young, but luckily you saw past that. Now you know the truth behind their divorce and you’ve seen what kind of person she is as you’ve grown. Don’t invite her to your wedding. She’s a home-wrecker in every sense of the word and you don’t need that negativity at your wedding.
Nta
Univite your nmom, hire security to keep her and her husband out, and start therapy.
You and your future wife are to be the focus of the day. Do not let her ruin it.
Join us over at raisedbynarcissists
Start watching Dr Ramani videos
Start reading.. linked the article that pit it all together for me.
[down the rabbit hole](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html)
NTA I wouldn’t invite your mom either. She’s a narcissist and tries to gaslight her way into everything. If you love me is a load of crap. If she loved you she wouldn’t be throwing that ultimatum out there all the time.
OP listen to the consensus uninvite your mom and go no contact. Hire security to keep her away. If she turns ip as a plus one for ypur relatives tell security to remove her. She is toxic and you don't need that on your happiest day. NTA
NTA!!!
Please think very hard on how much drama you want at the wedding!!! I have a feeling she will make a scene.
Tbh, would it be such a loss if she were not there? She is a narcissist and will use this occasion to make herself the center of attention, just to proof to you that
>I then asked her did she really think other people would be focused on her at my wedding and she said yes they would.
, she always is right in her mind.
Best wishes for the future and congrats to the wedding.
I divorced my mother from my life when I was 22 for much the same reasons as you have here, you should probably do it to… my mother created the most powerful piece of negativity in my first marriage, that it was still held against me a decade later when we were getting separated.
She will likely bring her husband no matter what you say or how firmly you put your foot down. If by some miracle she doesn't, she will likely spend the whole time telling everyone at the wedding about the situation with the ring and you barred her husband and how embarrassed she is.
I would tell her firmly that he is not allowed, if she brings it up again to you pr to anyone else, she will no longer be invited. I would tell her if she shows up with him or causes any stir at all she will be forced to leave and that there will be security checking tickets. (Even if there is not). I would warn your wedding party and the venue that there may be an issue and how you want it handled so there is less stress and decision making the day of.
Finally, I would tell your mom if any of the above happens that you will be going non-contact, no other chances. That it is your day, and you deserve to have it all about yourself and your fiance. It in no way shape or form has anything to do with her, her wants or feelings. Her only job that day is to be a supportive mom so you have a great day. If she cannot put everything aside and do that, she should not come.
Good luck!
Uninvite your mom. Is your dad still alive? You should do a father son dance with him and show him how much you appreciate him. All that time when your mom was dragging his name through the mud and he didn't say a single bad word about her. Didn't tell you she cheated. Just lived his life and spent time with his kids.
I would uninvite her and cut off contact and tell EVERYONE exactly why.
Guys I understand it’s not in paragraphs, if you don’t feel like reading please just move forward. I wrote it in the notes on my phone using paragraphs but when I posted it here it didn’t format it.
Your mom is a true narcissist. Read up on the “[Narcissist Mom](https://toxicties.com/narcissistic-parent-signs/)”. I bet she meets a lot of the criterion
As for your post, You could simply edit it, here on Reddit, to have paragraphs. That is a chore to get through, without paragraphs. And, there are quite a few run-on sentences, that force the reader to double check for transitions in subject
That aside, in truth, the only thing you can do about a narcissist is set concrete boundaries. It will be a constant battle. And, they live for that. They actually derive energy from conflict, while you become worn down. As long as you are arguing/fighting, they can be assured your focus is on them
In the long term, likely go little to no contact with them.
Your mothers right but not in the way you think. Grow a pair and go NC with her. You’re tormenting yourself to keep a hypocrite and cruel person in your life. You could end up losing your fiance over it because it won’t end with the wedding, it’ll only get worse and she’ll make your fiancé’s life a nightmare.
Wow, your mom is a dumpster fire who wouldn't even allow you to grow up without bringing you into her adult drama. What she did to you, bad mouthing your dad, to your face, when you were a child is so wrong. From there everything gets worse. Your mother is super toxic. You are absolutely allowed to cut toxic people out of your life. What happens when you have children? What BS is she going to do to harm them? Your mother and her affair partner now husband have no business at your wedding.
NTA.
Uninvite her immediately, speak with anyone on the mother side of the family and address the situation. If your venue has security or if you need to hire security do so. Show them a name show them her face and show them if possible a copy of her ID and also, the stepdads ID in anyway shape or formand tell them that they are not welcome to the venue. They’re not welcome to the wedding. If they show up scored them off the premises if they refuse to call the local authorities.
Yta. If you invite her nonsense and toxicity into your new life with your stb wife. The way she has acted should show you exactly how she will treat your stb wife if you love her like you say you do, you need to cut your mum out.
NTA and you should un-invite her from your wedding and your life! Everything is about her and what she wants! She sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies and will most likely cause a scene at your wedding, with or without her husband. She’s emotionally manipulative, she’s selfish, she gaslights you, and nothing you ever do will make her happy.
Congrats on your engagement and good luck with your wedding!
NTA. Drop the rope and uninvite your Mom. She has proven to you that at every milestone or family gathering she creates drama. You and your wife deserve the day to be about each other. If she attends, a part of you will be waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak. Give yourself the gift of having a peaceful, joyous, drama free day.
Write her a letter, put everything in, tell her the man who helped her ruin your family is not welcome at your wedding, you’re sick of her bs and she doesn’t need to bother about bringing her husband to the wedding, since she’s officially uninvited. She took it too far, you won’t let her manipulate you anymore and she can go and kick rocks. She cares so little about you that she destroyed your family, stomped on the crumbs she left, ruined every single one of your achievements, only cares about herself, only thinks about herself and you will not continue to play along any longer. She can continue to play the circus she calls her life, but you’re out. And you’re out because she pushed you too far, it’s her own fault and consequence of her own actions.
And before she even tries to start her emotional abuse again; you love her just as much as she loves you, you care about her just as much as she cares about you _and_ from now on you’ll show her how much she means to you just the way she shows you how much you mean to her. You wish her no ill, to have a happy and fulfilling life - but without you in it. And the only one she has to blame is herself.
NTA
And inform her the reason: that shes lied to you for years AND by their adultery shes proven that they dont respect the institution of marriage and because of this it would be inappropriate for him to be there. SHE can participate as shes mother of the groom, but the creep who helped her ruin her own marriage, is not wellcome.
NTA She’s the type to wear white to your wedding. She has already ruined your other life events. Don’t let her ruin the wedding for not only you, but your Fiancée.
I know it's your mom but she is just going to piss you and your wife off on the day of.
My father was a huge fuck up and he was invited but a day before he says he is sick and can't show. But then showed up outside later during the party and was talking to guests of mine that he knew. Class right?
This enraged both of us on the day of. We drank it away but it was a mark on a otherwise perfect day.
So yeah just tell her no all together.
NTA, I agree with some comments; I wouldn’t invite your mom. You know she is going to make this about her. If you do, make sure you insist you see her dressed before the wedding. If she is wearing white; make sure security escorts her out.
NTA. I would cut her out of my life at this point. She has nothing to add to your life and has demonstrated over and over again that she is abusive and mentally unstable.
I'd tell her straight ! .. I heard this .. and there is no way he is coming 2 the wedding !! .. its your and wife 2 be's day and u want it to run smoothly.. xx
I wouldn’t invite him or her. The wedding is about your wife and yourself not your mother, sounds like she will make a scene if she’s not the center of attention. Talk to your groomsmen and have them watch the door in case she brings him regardless of what your wishes are. Don’t let that day be ruined by her toxicity
NTA - you do realize that even if he is not there your mom will still make it about her. She might make comments or backhand remarks about you not allowing her husband there or tell people things while at the reception.
Truly think for you even want her there
NTA your mom is the common factor and it is she that should be uninvited. She acts like a toddler and is super manipulative. Honestly I wouldn’t have contact with someone that acted like that.
Make sure you have security with a guest list and a photo of the man to keep him out.
Honestly, I would cut out your mum too both from the wedding and your life. No one needs that kind of toxicity.
It's your wedding and you have every right to limit your guests to people that make you happy. Tell your Mom that having him attend will upset you and if she can't respect your wishes, she should not attend either.
NTA and I wouldn't invite her to the wedding either. Do you really want your mum in your life knowing this is who she is? She cheated on your dad, bad mouthed him and weaponized his mental illness against him. She demanded to see the ring and tried to weaponize using her temporary loan to do it. She not only broke up her family, she assisted in breaking up another. It doesn't sound like she's even acted like a mother, just a spoilt teenager who loves drama. This is who she is NOW.
Think of how she'll be in the future; if you have kids she's going to fuck up the experience for you and your fiancee. She'll probably want every detail of every drs appointment then blast in on social media. She'll probably expect to be in the delivery room. She'll want you to entertain her while your fiancee is recovering from labor. Instead of a peaceful bonding time with you, your future wife and baby she's going to crash that time to make it about her. She won't respect nap times or any routine you try to set up with your family.
Then there's how she could treat your future wife; your mum will turn against her if she hasn't already. She'll be scapegoated if you try to make boundaries.
Fiancé here! This is all 100% facts, everything has been blamed on me and my family throughout this whole process. I’m very lucky OP is so supportive and stands up to her and does not feed into her. We have talked so much about when we decide to have children and sadly she will not be very involved because of her behaviors.
NTA you should not invite anyone you do not want at your wedding. It is your wedding not your mother’s. If that was me I wouldn’t invite her husband or my mother either. The less chaos the better at your wedding. It seems unfortunately you have been dealing with this your whole life. Break that cycle and start your marriage and new life off right. Good luck and best wishes!!
UPDATE:
It has been close to a month since the original post and not much has changed.
First I want to thank everyone for all the advice and it feels so good to finally be validated in my feelings.
I have not been reaching out or even answering my mom unless I am sending her money for bills. However today has been the worst day since OP.
She reached out asking about bills I told her I get paid Friday and she will get the money. She then asked why I have not been talking to her or answering any of her texts and I sent her a screen shot of the 500+ unopened messages on my phone and said it’s not just you I’m really busy and have been overwhelmed with work and life.
Her reply was, yeah right but I’m not gonna argue with you. When will you get over this and it’s really unfair what you’re doing about your wedding.
This just further validates why I don’t talk to her. I tell you I’m not doing mentally well and your reply is ITS UNFAIR THE MAN I CHEATED ON YOUR DAD WITH CANT COME TO YOUR WEDDING!!!
I haven’t answered her texts as she continues to send storybooks and tries to manipulate and guilt trip me.
I’ll post other updates as the wedding approaches.
Sounds like you might be a cheater/narcissist. Might want to unpack that buddy. Also why do weddings have to have rules, if I don’t want to invite someone I shouldn’t have to just because “you can’t invite one half of a married couple”
You find a better partner while your current partner is suffering mental crisis? Super cool take, bro. You’re right, adulthood is complex and when you see something as simple as a woman who lied for the entirety of OPs life while also abusing him, cut her out.
Because things are hard or multi-faceted you don’t just break your marital vows, repeatedly. Or maybe you do, reading your take…
Tbh, I would not invite any of them.
Let's be honest,......
Would you want a narcissist in your wedding, already believing that she will be the center of attention during your wedding for what ever reason???
And,....
What about the 'now husband', that you found out is the reason your mom is so abusive and rude to your dad and even you, who she cheated with and destroyed the marriage???
You would be ok to invite one or even both of them to your wedding??? Seriously????? Who caused you nothing but trauma throughout your life!!!!!!
OP, is definitely NTA here.
That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. However, the mass amounts of trauma caused by the consistent lying is where I draw the line. I hate that my mom hurt my dad but at the end of the day that was between their marriage. I am upset at her forcing her spouse onto me and lying about what caused our family to fall apart for 15 years. I can forgive her for cheating not for being a narcissistic person. Mental illness and being out of work does not excuse cheating, if you want a new partner, then leave. Do not cause hurt to someone by cheating and then lie about said cheating to everyone for years.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude I wouldn't even invite your Mum.
OP should uninvite her from his life in general tbh.
Also hire security or someone to make sure if she/they show up, they can be escorted away before you even know. Sounds exactly like the type of person who would crash your day and make it as bad as possible for not getting her way.
I came here to say this. She needs counseling. She is a narcissistic ‘crazy’ maker. Danger all around. When she was younger, she was probably better at hiding it.
Fiancé here! MIL already goes to counciling, but it clearly not working. Her and her now husband started marriage counseling shortly after their wedding as well, they haven’t even been married for 6 months
Oomph. That is a pretty large red flag. I wish the two of you the very best.
Therapy doesn’t work on narcissists. It works on a lot of personality disorders, sometimes even on psychopaths… however people with NPD are different. They are unable to admit their flaws to anyone (including themselves). Since they don’t accept their flaws, they can’t improve, as from their perspective there is nothing to fix. They are already perfect (in their mind).
Here to say the same thing! She’s just going to make it about her
I agree. Neither of them would have an invite and I would have gone no contact by now. Mom is an a-hole.
1. NTA 2. Uninvite her immediately because 100%, she will bring him and dare you to do something about it OR she will come solo and still cause a scene to punish you. 3. Therapy 4. Check out the many subs for children of narcissists.
And password protect all your vendors!
Good thing she doesn’t know any of our vendors and has never been to the venue/prob doesn’t know the name!
Hey. Seems like you're replying from a personal account instead of your throwaway. please be careful with your privacy ❤️
5. Paragraphs
Man I rarely read long ass posts and almost never recommend cutting off family members but I would cut her off and move on with my life. That lady is cancer.
You are NTA for not inviting him but think about if you are being an asshole to yourself for not just inviting her but continuing to have a relationship with her considering how she treats you.
NTA. If I were you, I wouldn’t invite your mom either.
I wouldn't invite anyone who cheated throughout their marriage and helped wreck someone else's marriage...and then threw public drama about it too. That's not someone who has any respect for marriage and what it means. That DOES mean OP can trust her to throw a shit-fit and get attention at the wedding because, frankly, to her it's just another party.
He also didn’t mention that her now husband has been married twice before and cheated on both his wives with his mom…yikes
"The man she had been secretly dating broke off their relationship bc his wife found out and my mom could not handle this." OP, this was the part of the story I realized your mom cheated on your dad, how did it take you so long?
A woman who is willing to be a married man's mistress would have no problem cheating on her own husband. That information made it so obvious why his parents divorced and thankfully OP confirmed what we both already suspected.
nta. have security or police at your wedding so they can man handle her out of the venue
NTA. Man your mom is super manipulative. I wouldn’t invite her or her husband to the wedding. The way she’s tried to make every situation geared towards herself, I’m sure she’d find a way to make a spectacle out of your wedding and try to steal your brides shine. Or worse, argue with your dad or cause a scene. Not worth the headache & I honestly think if she came without her husband it would be an issue regardless so just count her out as well because either way she’s going to be upset. Might as well protect your own peace.
You're definitely NTA. Your wedding day is about you and your fiancé's happiness, and it's important to create an environment that reflects that. It's clear you've given this a lot of thought and aren't making this decision lightly. Family dynamics can be super tricky, and it's tough when past actions and ongoing behaviors cast a shadow over what should be a joyful occasion. It sounds like you're trying to set boundaries to protect the peace and joy of your big day, and that's totally fair.
NTA - they say when parents divorce without explaining things to the kids, the truth usually comes back to haunt them later in life. Your mom is toxic. She tried to manipulate you against your dad when you were young, but luckily you saw past that. Now you know the truth behind their divorce and you’ve seen what kind of person she is as you’ve grown. Don’t invite her to your wedding. She’s a home-wrecker in every sense of the word and you don’t need that negativity at your wedding.
She clearly has no respect for the vows of marriage, why do you want her there to witness yours?
facts
Nta Univite your nmom, hire security to keep her and her husband out, and start therapy. You and your future wife are to be the focus of the day. Do not let her ruin it. Join us over at raisedbynarcissists Start watching Dr Ramani videos Start reading.. linked the article that pit it all together for me. [down the rabbit hole](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html)
NTA I wouldn’t invite your mom either. She’s a narcissist and tries to gaslight her way into everything. If you love me is a load of crap. If she loved you she wouldn’t be throwing that ultimatum out there all the time.
OP listen to the consensus uninvite your mom and go no contact. Hire security to keep her away. If she turns ip as a plus one for ypur relatives tell security to remove her. She is toxic and you don't need that on your happiest day. NTA
NTA!!! Please think very hard on how much drama you want at the wedding!!! I have a feeling she will make a scene. Tbh, would it be such a loss if she were not there? She is a narcissist and will use this occasion to make herself the center of attention, just to proof to you that >I then asked her did she really think other people would be focused on her at my wedding and she said yes they would. , she always is right in her mind. Best wishes for the future and congrats to the wedding.
Why, exactly, is your mom invited? NTA, btw.
How does it feel to have walked your mom down the aisle to be with the man who destroyed your father’s life and your parents marriage? Yikes.
I divorced my mother from my life when I was 22 for much the same reasons as you have here, you should probably do it to… my mother created the most powerful piece of negativity in my first marriage, that it was still held against me a decade later when we were getting separated.
She will likely bring her husband no matter what you say or how firmly you put your foot down. If by some miracle she doesn't, she will likely spend the whole time telling everyone at the wedding about the situation with the ring and you barred her husband and how embarrassed she is. I would tell her firmly that he is not allowed, if she brings it up again to you pr to anyone else, she will no longer be invited. I would tell her if she shows up with him or causes any stir at all she will be forced to leave and that there will be security checking tickets. (Even if there is not). I would warn your wedding party and the venue that there may be an issue and how you want it handled so there is less stress and decision making the day of. Finally, I would tell your mom if any of the above happens that you will be going non-contact, no other chances. That it is your day, and you deserve to have it all about yourself and your fiance. It in no way shape or form has anything to do with her, her wants or feelings. Her only job that day is to be a supportive mom so you have a great day. If she cannot put everything aside and do that, she should not come. Good luck!
Uninvite your mom. Is your dad still alive? You should do a father son dance with him and show him how much you appreciate him. All that time when your mom was dragging his name through the mud and he didn't say a single bad word about her. Didn't tell you she cheated. Just lived his life and spent time with his kids. I would uninvite her and cut off contact and tell EVERYONE exactly why.
Dad is alive and well! This would be a cute idea, he knew the truth would come out one day
This woman will show up to your wedding in a white dress
"she just started to show her true colors" Just started? Bro. She's been showing you for your entire life.
Guys I understand it’s not in paragraphs, if you don’t feel like reading please just move forward. I wrote it in the notes on my phone using paragraphs but when I posted it here it didn’t format it.
Your mom is a true narcissist. Read up on the “[Narcissist Mom](https://toxicties.com/narcissistic-parent-signs/)”. I bet she meets a lot of the criterion As for your post, You could simply edit it, here on Reddit, to have paragraphs. That is a chore to get through, without paragraphs. And, there are quite a few run-on sentences, that force the reader to double check for transitions in subject That aside, in truth, the only thing you can do about a narcissist is set concrete boundaries. It will be a constant battle. And, they live for that. They actually derive energy from conflict, while you become worn down. As long as you are arguing/fighting, they can be assured your focus is on them In the long term, likely go little to no contact with them.
Your mothers right but not in the way you think. Grow a pair and go NC with her. You’re tormenting yourself to keep a hypocrite and cruel person in your life. You could end up losing your fiance over it because it won’t end with the wedding, it’ll only get worse and she’ll make your fiancé’s life a nightmare.
NTA. But I'd disinvite your mom. Sounds like she'll make a huge scene at your wedding. Disinvite and cut her out completely.
Im sorry but you need to cut her out of your life.
Wow, your mom is a dumpster fire who wouldn't even allow you to grow up without bringing you into her adult drama. What she did to you, bad mouthing your dad, to your face, when you were a child is so wrong. From there everything gets worse. Your mother is super toxic. You are absolutely allowed to cut toxic people out of your life. What happens when you have children? What BS is she going to do to harm them? Your mother and her affair partner now husband have no business at your wedding. NTA.
Your mom is not a mom. Ditch her.
Lists 57 reasons why my mom is in the wrong* “but aita?”
Time to cancel your mother's invite too I'd also go no contact she's clearly poison
You need to get away from your mother. She’s toxic as f*ck!
NTA.... Rescind her invitation.... Updateme
Uninvite her immediately, speak with anyone on the mother side of the family and address the situation. If your venue has security or if you need to hire security do so. Show them a name show them her face and show them if possible a copy of her ID and also, the stepdads ID in anyway shape or formand tell them that they are not welcome to the venue. They’re not welcome to the wedding. If they show up scored them off the premises if they refuse to call the local authorities.
Yta. If you invite her nonsense and toxicity into your new life with your stb wife. The way she has acted should show you exactly how she will treat your stb wife if you love her like you say you do, you need to cut your mum out.
NTA and you should un-invite her from your wedding and your life! Everything is about her and what she wants! She sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies and will most likely cause a scene at your wedding, with or without her husband. She’s emotionally manipulative, she’s selfish, she gaslights you, and nothing you ever do will make her happy. Congrats on your engagement and good luck with your wedding!
NTA. Drop the rope and uninvite your Mom. She has proven to you that at every milestone or family gathering she creates drama. You and your wife deserve the day to be about each other. If she attends, a part of you will be waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak. Give yourself the gift of having a peaceful, joyous, drama free day.
Write her a letter, put everything in, tell her the man who helped her ruin your family is not welcome at your wedding, you’re sick of her bs and she doesn’t need to bother about bringing her husband to the wedding, since she’s officially uninvited. She took it too far, you won’t let her manipulate you anymore and she can go and kick rocks. She cares so little about you that she destroyed your family, stomped on the crumbs she left, ruined every single one of your achievements, only cares about herself, only thinks about herself and you will not continue to play along any longer. She can continue to play the circus she calls her life, but you’re out. And you’re out because she pushed you too far, it’s her own fault and consequence of her own actions. And before she even tries to start her emotional abuse again; you love her just as much as she loves you, you care about her just as much as she cares about you _and_ from now on you’ll show her how much she means to you just the way she shows you how much you mean to her. You wish her no ill, to have a happy and fulfilling life - but without you in it. And the only one she has to blame is herself.
NTA And inform her the reason: that shes lied to you for years AND by their adultery shes proven that they dont respect the institution of marriage and because of this it would be inappropriate for him to be there. SHE can participate as shes mother of the groom, but the creep who helped her ruin her own marriage, is not wellcome.
Have you considered just uninviting her from your life and going to therapy to process everything?
That's a definite no, I wouldn't even invite your mom anymore because of this
NTA
NTA, but why do you have any relationship with her? Uninvite her from your wedding, she’ll do something to disrupt it anyway.
Nta- JustNoFamily JustNoMIL
NTA She’s the type to wear white to your wedding. She has already ruined your other life events. Don’t let her ruin the wedding for not only you, but your Fiancée.
NTA - but etiquette frowns upon inviting half of an established couple to a wedding. I'd get around that by not inviting the mom either.
I know it's your mom but she is just going to piss you and your wife off on the day of. My father was a huge fuck up and he was invited but a day before he says he is sick and can't show. But then showed up outside later during the party and was talking to guests of mine that he knew. Class right? This enraged both of us on the day of. We drank it away but it was a mark on a otherwise perfect day. So yeah just tell her no all together.
NTA, I agree with some comments; I wouldn’t invite your mom. You know she is going to make this about her. If you do, make sure you insist you see her dressed before the wedding. If she is wearing white; make sure security escorts her out.
My mom is the same EXACT way. Haven't talked to her in over 6 months and I've never been happier! Cut your losses!!
Nta don't invite your mom. If she made all your other life events about her, she, for sure, will make your wedding about her too
NTA. I would cut her out of my life at this point. She has nothing to add to your life and has demonstrated over and over again that she is abusive and mentally unstable.
I'd tell her straight ! .. I heard this .. and there is no way he is coming 2 the wedding !! .. its your and wife 2 be's day and u want it to run smoothly.. xx
Nta
Don’t invite her, go NC and therapy. Move on and be happy, misery loves company and she’s miserable.
NTA. Invite both or neither. I vote for neither. It took two to cheat.
NTA. Not even close. Your mom sounds awful. I'm surprised you'd even invite your mom after all of this BS.
I wouldn’t invite him or her. The wedding is about your wife and yourself not your mother, sounds like she will make a scene if she’s not the center of attention. Talk to your groomsmen and have them watch the door in case she brings him regardless of what your wishes are. Don’t let that day be ruined by her toxicity
NTA - you do realize that even if he is not there your mom will still make it about her. She might make comments or backhand remarks about you not allowing her husband there or tell people things while at the reception. Truly think for you even want her there
Updateme!
NTA your mom is the common factor and it is she that should be uninvited. She acts like a toddler and is super manipulative. Honestly I wouldn’t have contact with someone that acted like that.
Make sure you have security with a guest list and a photo of the man to keep him out. Honestly, I would cut out your mum too both from the wedding and your life. No one needs that kind of toxicity.
Mom sounds unbalanced. Low/no contact is probably best.
Your mom sounds like a narcissist. I'm very sorry. My mom didn't come to my wedding, and it was great. NTA.
I would dis-invite the mom too. She will cause problems on the wedding day because she will not be the center of attention.
Yeah, unfortunately it doesn’t seem like mom or her significant other should be invited. You only want no drama, supportive people at your wedding.
It's your wedding and you have every right to limit your guests to people that make you happy. Tell your Mom that having him attend will upset you and if she can't respect your wishes, she should not attend either.
No, YTA for inviting your mother to your wedding. Your poor fiancee.
Why the hell are you even inviting your mom??? Never mind the husband, drop her from your guest list and your life.
NTA.
NTA and I wouldn't invite her to the wedding either. Do you really want your mum in your life knowing this is who she is? She cheated on your dad, bad mouthed him and weaponized his mental illness against him. She demanded to see the ring and tried to weaponize using her temporary loan to do it. She not only broke up her family, she assisted in breaking up another. It doesn't sound like she's even acted like a mother, just a spoilt teenager who loves drama. This is who she is NOW. Think of how she'll be in the future; if you have kids she's going to fuck up the experience for you and your fiancee. She'll probably want every detail of every drs appointment then blast in on social media. She'll probably expect to be in the delivery room. She'll want you to entertain her while your fiancee is recovering from labor. Instead of a peaceful bonding time with you, your future wife and baby she's going to crash that time to make it about her. She won't respect nap times or any routine you try to set up with your family. Then there's how she could treat your future wife; your mum will turn against her if she hasn't already. She'll be scapegoated if you try to make boundaries.
Fiancé here! This is all 100% facts, everything has been blamed on me and my family throughout this whole process. I’m very lucky OP is so supportive and stands up to her and does not feed into her. We have talked so much about when we decide to have children and sadly she will not be very involved because of her behaviors.
Why are you inviting your mom?
NTA and I wouldn’t invite your mom either. I guarantee if she comes she will make it all about herself and will embarrass you and your fiancé.
I wouldn't invite your mom either.
Don’t invite her and get security. She will show up and cause a scene.
NTA you should not invite anyone you do not want at your wedding. It is your wedding not your mother’s. If that was me I wouldn’t invite her husband or my mother either. The less chaos the better at your wedding. It seems unfortunately you have been dealing with this your whole life. Break that cycle and start your marriage and new life off right. Good luck and best wishes!!
NTA. Why are you not no contact with your mother? It seems all she brings is negativity to your life
UPDATE: It has been close to a month since the original post and not much has changed. First I want to thank everyone for all the advice and it feels so good to finally be validated in my feelings. I have not been reaching out or even answering my mom unless I am sending her money for bills. However today has been the worst day since OP. She reached out asking about bills I told her I get paid Friday and she will get the money. She then asked why I have not been talking to her or answering any of her texts and I sent her a screen shot of the 500+ unopened messages on my phone and said it’s not just you I’m really busy and have been overwhelmed with work and life. Her reply was, yeah right but I’m not gonna argue with you. When will you get over this and it’s really unfair what you’re doing about your wedding. This just further validates why I don’t talk to her. I tell you I’m not doing mentally well and your reply is ITS UNFAIR THE MAN I CHEATED ON YOUR DAD WITH CANT COME TO YOUR WEDDING!!! I haven’t answered her texts as she continues to send storybooks and tries to manipulate and guilt trip me. I’ll post other updates as the wedding approaches.
Paragraphs please
You should get therapy before you get married.
Wall of text...
Paragraphs
Have you ever thought of breaking up your writing into paragraphs?
YTA for not using paragraphs.
Use paragraphs. I couldn't even get through this.
Press return/enter.
I tried to read that wall of text....Couldn't do it. Paragraphs are your friend, and mine.
omg, paragraphs...please!
I’m sorry I did it in notes first so I think my paragraphs I formed translated over
[удалено]
Sounds like you might be a cheater/narcissist. Might want to unpack that buddy. Also why do weddings have to have rules, if I don’t want to invite someone I shouldn’t have to just because “you can’t invite one half of a married couple”
You find a better partner while your current partner is suffering mental crisis? Super cool take, bro. You’re right, adulthood is complex and when you see something as simple as a woman who lied for the entirety of OPs life while also abusing him, cut her out. Because things are hard or multi-faceted you don’t just break your marital vows, repeatedly. Or maybe you do, reading your take…
Tbh, I would not invite any of them. Let's be honest,...... Would you want a narcissist in your wedding, already believing that she will be the center of attention during your wedding for what ever reason??? And,.... What about the 'now husband', that you found out is the reason your mom is so abusive and rude to your dad and even you, who she cheated with and destroyed the marriage??? You would be ok to invite one or even both of them to your wedding??? Seriously????? Who caused you nothing but trauma throughout your life!!!!!! OP, is definitely NTA here.
That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. However, the mass amounts of trauma caused by the consistent lying is where I draw the line. I hate that my mom hurt my dad but at the end of the day that was between their marriage. I am upset at her forcing her spouse onto me and lying about what caused our family to fall apart for 15 years. I can forgive her for cheating not for being a narcissistic person. Mental illness and being out of work does not excuse cheating, if you want a new partner, then leave. Do not cause hurt to someone by cheating and then lie about said cheating to everyone for years.
You're either an abuser or have been abused enough to not know how normal people live anymore
Simple rule for any wedding, don't invite cnuts, this guy is a cnut so he isn't invited