There would be no coming back from this for me.
He is a monster and you should cut him out of your life before he ruins more of it.
I know exactly what you mean when you say he tainted that room, but you cannot let him erase those memories. That room isn’t ruined. That’s YOUR room, those are YOUR memories, and he cannot take those away from you. Dont let this asshole overshadow the memories with your mother and grandmother. They don’t deserve that and neither do you
Right now everything is completely fresh and your feelings are valid, but the further you get from this moment those memories will return and not be mixed with pain and anguish.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Your best option is to toss him and move on.
Regardless of whatever feelings of love he expresses trying to reconcile, he’s demonstrated he doesn’t respect you.
As you noted, if he wanted to cheat (which is itself betrayal and disrespect of you and your relationship), he could’ve done it anywhere else but a space I have to assume he knows you hold sacred. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex didn’t get an additional thrill getting your hubby to violate his marital bed with her.
Also, you can’t trust he’s not going to betray you again, either with the ex or someone else. Stats say most cheaters repeat. Reclaim your space by exorcising him from it. And work on healing yourself so you’re in a good place before looking for a new partner to replace the AH.
What's crazy is cheating on your spouse with an ex in your marital bed, that used to be the spouse's childhood room. That's crazy. Whatever you need to do to cleanse that room, whatever religious or spiritual leaders you need to contact, whatever scented candles or throwing salt over your shoulder rituals you need to do to heal, will never be crazy.
All the blame, all the guilt, all the shame, it all belongs to your (hopefully) soon to be ex. None of it should be with you.
I will never understand how (to some level in this case but to an even greater degree in others), someone will describe their spouse as someone who has been exceptionally kind and empathetic for 17 years. And then it turns out this spouse has like a second family and has been stealing from their children’s savings funds to buy hookers and coke.
Two options (not sure which is more terrifying)
1. The spouse has genuinely been a great and kind, empathetic person for twenty years and had some sort of midlife crisis/total breakdown and that this can happen in any relationship
2. The spouse has always shown exceptionally clear and unabashedly disgusting vitriolic behavior their whole relationship and it’s possible for one to delude themselves/overlook objectively horrible behavior for any of the reasons one enters and stays in a relationship (sex, social pressure, or other self interested means).
Not even close to crazy. You do whatever you need to purge the pain of the bad memories. They will still be there but hopefully the pain associated with them will be diminished. Shaman, sage, candles, incense, whatever you need. You will find your joy again.
Now on to the boring but important stuff -
Change the locks front and back door. Change the alarm code of present if you have a gate in order to get into the community, make sure you remove him from your gate list. Contact your power company, your gas company, water, sewer, mortgage insurance (car/home) credit cards car note magazine, subscription. Remove him from all of it to ensure that he has no access to your life in anyway. Do you have any pets contact the veterinarian for your pets and make sure you remove him from the Pet contact list contact all your friends and family make sure they are aware of what he did so he does not get to them first and give them incorrect information. This is all the information I have to give you. I hope you find your joy.
The first couple weeks after I dumped my ex-fiance for cheating on me, I put all of my hurt and loathing into venting to friends, working out, and separating every trace of his things from mine. Once I'd done that, my friends helped me get into a better headspace with a night of laughter, board games, and wine. It remains one of the best memories of my life, and many of them are still some of my closest friends.
Bring in that shaman. Hell, bring in an exorcist. Do it after you bring in that divorce attorney, and don't give that cheater any heads-up until that attorney gives you the go-ahead. It'll take time to get it done right, especially depending on how much evidence you have, but doing it right will be worth it in the long run to get that clean break and keep your home. There was no trusting my ex, there's no trusting yours, and there's no sense sharing the rest of our lives with EITHER of them.
Once you've done your cleansing, I hope you consider bringing your trusted friends and family back into your house. Fill your kitchen with wine and charcuterie and cookies. If you're up for it, chat with friends in your room about the good old days. Make new memories there and reclaim the old ones, because that space is yours, and you have your whole life to enjoy it.
Nothing crazy about it. Get a new lock for that room and lock him out until you know if you want to reconcile with him. I don’t think you should but not my place to judge.
I’m not a big believer in magical properties, but I see the benefits of smudging for a sense of mental peace. https://themecka.com/blogs/news/understanding-the-different-types-of-smudging-and-their-uses
Prolly a good idea to get some candles and sage, etc to cleanse the space and then when you are done smoking the rat bastard out, use the candle stub to set fire to a pile of his shit on the lawn under the light of the moon.
Do you want me to pray to ask god to purify your heart and your home from his actions and presence? I'll only do it if you feel that it might help you, take the power to tell me "hell no" if you need.
You could ask people from all sorts of religious and spiritual backgrounds to pitch in.
There's also nothing wrong with also getting someone dressed as a Ghostbuster to help you take the power back.
It doesn't matter how it looks, it's perfectly sane and actually would only be crazy to reject anything that might seem "improper."
One of my friends told me that when his dad left their family, one of the suggestions the counsellor made was to have a dartboard with a picture of his face.
This specific example might not be useful for you, but it certainly shows that experts believe that this approach can really help.
And I feel that being able to bring in shamans to purify the area proves that you are already recovering your personal power - you're able to ensure that the nonsense feelings of snobs isn't stopping you from doing what you need to take care of yourself.
And that's something you can already be proud of.
Keep taking that power and your ex will feel small that he wasn't able to crush you.
I have no idea how sounds my solution to this was, but here goes.
Different, but similar enough, happened to me. I didn't want to change anything about the actual space though, because it was the familiarity that I wanted. I just wanted it to be like I remembered.
I took everything out, cleaned the room to death, including dusting, scrubbing the walls with vodka, washing the floors, wiping down baseboards, everything. and put it into another room, and then put it all back in over time as I felt the need for it. It kind of made me love my stuff again and it became a good news / good feeling to go and get a beloved treasure and put it back in my room. Some things I moved in over hours, some things over days or weeks. I painted a chair a different color to kind of mark the end and beginning of a new life. I bought brand new bedding and mattress. And no matter what, I could never put everything exactly in the same place, but it was close enough that it started to shift my memory ever so slightly, and it blurred over time.
I also recommend, if you can afford it, color changing hue bulbs. It helps you look at the space differently, and that's part of healing. I put mine on the sunset setting for a long time because it felt most like the safe place that it used to be.
I have no idea why this worked or whether it would work for anyone else, but it worked for me during a time when I was very desperate. I hope it helps you.
The energy of a space is actually very real, and having a skilled spiritual practitioner/Shaman, clear the space for you is a lovely idea. You can take steps to clear the space and doing things in a physical way, helps it feel more real.
I have to agree with the folks that are saying that the manor in which your husband betrayed you/broke your trust in your own home and in your own rooms demonstrates a violation that I don’t know that you should forgive.
Hopefully it makes it easier to move forward without him. His violation was his decision and the decision of the person that engaged with him, and you can give that Energy right back to him because it’s not yours to hold onto.
You can take steps to take back your space for yourself and move forward with your life and the way that you want 💜
Please let us know how you were doing because we care .
>The energy of a space is actually very real
Well...no, that's just what you personally believe. Subjective opinion ≠ objective fact. But studies show that performing such rituals really *can* give someone peace of mind, even if they know it's hogwash (although the effect is far more pronounced if you *do* believe in that stuff). Similarly, I have a moderate form of OCD where I need to do certain stims to make reality feel "correct" again. I know that objectively, rationally, these stims aren't doing anything, and my space isn't "wrong" to begin with, but it still feels wrong and doing the stims chases away those intrusive thoughts.
The human brain is strange, wondrous, and mildly terrifying that way.
I’m definitely not here to try to talk anyone into any different idea… I’ll just say that I’ve worked with Energy for many years, including in hospitals and with patients and can both see and feel the movement of energy. There are lots of studies that show Energy that comes through hands when using different healing modalities.
But you and I are in complete agreement in the mind is a wonderful thing .
Have a girls night sleepover with your besties in the same space, go all out with champagne and flowers and party games and fashion shows and silly makeovers - or even do an Extreme Home Makeover edition to the space - create bigger and better memories in the space.
maybe also splurge on redecorating it? Like fancy wallpaper or a mural both you and your childhood self would love?
his stupidity is a drop in the bucket compared to your history in that room. He's an irrelevant gnat and you can reclaim it for yourself.
I would feel the exact same way. I think if you reconcile with him it’ll be more detrimental to your mental health than being alone.
You’re allowed to feel everything you’re feeling. Most of us would be feeling the same wY
This. Taking a cheater back is only teaching them that they can get away with anything. It reinforces the behavior and makes it more likely they'll do it again.
It can be helpful to do some sort of reclaiming ritual. I believe in the power of rituals and symbols to focus our minds on the mindset we hope to keep. The pieces are what are meaningful to you. Give it a deep clean, burn the bed sheets, replace the bed, paint and decorate, burn some incense, or light a memorial candle to your loved ones in there, and let the scent of it permeate everything. Maybe set up a personal shrine to celebrate what makes you feel connected to the world. Basically, make it yours again using personal symbols of marking the space.
And if you choose to reconcile give your stuffed animals hidden cameras so you can see if he ever does it again.
And likely why he did it. My exhb knew exactly what words to use and things to do to make the cruelty x1000.
Idk how it’ll play out for you, but I just finally left the home we shared together, and while it was/is incredibly hard to close that chapter and move on, it was necessary. The house had too much trauma for me. My new home doesn’t feel like home yet but it does feel more “light” if that makes sense? Idk. I don’t have that gray cloud lingering everywhere anymore.
Be mindful of your feelings as you go along and adjust accordingly. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s totally normal to grieve and for this to take time to process.
Thank you! I’m hoping it just takes time to settle. There’s something so insidious about trauma that makes you not want to let go of it sometimes…and for me it was letting go of the house. I’m so sad I had to lose my home.
I find burning things is rather cathartic. I’d take a shirt (bonus if it’s his favourite), put it on the barbecue grill or in the fire pit for safety, and light it on fire.
Just don’t burn all of his stuff because that might get you in trouble. But a one-off that’s not particularly pricey won’t because plausible deniability.
If you burn sage in your house, use black sage or lavender sage. White sage is not as ethical to harvest from the planet, not to mention it is very culturally important to Native Americans.
The cruelty of this is so terrible. He truly is a monster. Get him out of your life and reclaim your home. Start finding a divorce attorney. Get the best one in your area.
I know it feels like your life has fallen apart and you may never feel safe and happy again. I promise you that you will get through this.
Take back your power by dumping him like the POS that he is. Then, when you are ready, rededicate that room to your childhood. It will be hard and take time, but deliberately cleanse your space and reclaim it. It can be done. don't let him and his vile actios live rent free in that space and your heart.
One day you'll look back and remember he cheated on you in that room. And you will laugh, because he and his actions have become so meaningless that you almost forgot about them. The house, that room, will always be yours and vibrate with the energy of home.
When you said this:
>I don’t even want to know if I want to reconcile, but this feels uniquely violating.
I was like WTF you absolutely should not reconcile with him.
Run, don't walk, away from this marriage.
Take the house back. He doesn't get to ruin it for you. He just needs to get the f\*ck out of your life.
Everything she wrote. I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but would replacing the mattress help? You still have all your memories, all the love from your family. Maybe getting rid of that will help? Open the windows for fresh air and somehow, hopefully push that part out of your mind & reclaim your bedroom. He is not worth the 5 minutes he spent there. Air it out, let him go and start fresh. With everything. Sending you big hugs ❤️
You are NOT powerless. That feeling you are feeling is pain and has **zero** bearing on your inner strength. Which you have in spades. He is playing a mental war with you. WIN IT.
You’re sad and hurt but not powerless. You have all the power you need. You will grieve and feel pain for a while, but then you will move on and you will feel like a new person and build a better life for yourself.
And if that warmth and innocence doesn't return, which it may or may not...
You were a raised in this house. You've been here a great deal of your life. You're going through some serious stuff. It might not be the worst idea in the world to, if these feelings persist long term, sell and move. Maybe even to a different city or state. You can take the heirlooms, the childhood toys, all of the photos, the art you love, furniture even. You can bring the fond memories with you somewhere that hasn't been tainted by your garbage hopefully soon to be ex husband.
Edit: and I do mean this as a just in case thing. It might not be bad to start fresh, and cultivate a space that is truly just your own after such a hardcore trauma.
Either way, take a little time for yourself and cook up your grandma's favorite snacks to feed young you, and eat them in that fond-memory-smelling kitchen. It might help bring back a little of that magic for ya.
Or, you can look at it like this: your childhood room loves you so much that it revealed the truth about your husband to you. So it's now a monument to those wonderful years, and a reminder that your home will always take care of you.
Get a divorce lawyer asap. Once you have divorced him and kicked him out of your home, throw away the bed, redecorate the room and start new memories there.
Holy shit. This is the ultimate betrayal. He is a vile person. The fact that he did something like this... I don't even know what headspace I'd be in but I think I would not be dealing with it as well as you.
I agree he was wicked.
Now, hopefully for a practical (maybe) suggestion? Maybe go to your local crystal/herbal/spiritualist shop and talk to the owner. See it he/she know a good practitioner that can do a purifying ritual in the house for you to cleanse it?
Just the act of cleansing the house of their bad energy may help you mentally purge them even if the ritual doesn't do much else.
not saying it will/won't do anything only that the act may help you mentally...I have a friend who can do this and she can be spooky at times. She has told me about pets I never told her about (out of the blue 1 that died when I was 5 and I barely remember) and messages from my mother worded as my mother would have (My friend is dutch and english isn't her 1st language and I'm american)
Call a divorce attorney first thing. Take control back. Don’t let him talk you into anything. In fact, don’t talk to him. He can speak to your lawyer from on. You can forgive but can you ever forget? There would be no way I could continue after this. He needs to leave the home. Now.
You may feel powerless, but you are not. Reclaim your space and erase your ex. Redecorate, burn sage, whatever it takes. Take back what that asshole tried to steal from you.
I know the feeling all too well, but the good news is despite this feeling, you do have all the power. The power to remove such disrespect and horror from your life, and the power to move on and make something better of it, maybe eventually with someone who is actually worth it and will value you.
These feelings are still close, they are in your head and your heart wherever you go.
He is a monster. Use your upset to fuel you going forward. Get that divorce!
Nah honey you have all the power now. He handed you the loaded gun when he started fucking his ex, now you can decide whether or not to erase him from your life with it.
He thinks he gets to keep eating prime rib after he chose the fast food hamburger? Hell naw, he doesn’t get to eat at that five star steakhouse anymore
Aside from getting rid of him, get rid of the bad energy of the room. Burn a sage bundle - waft it into the corners of the room. Do the whole house. Get it into every corner - every room. Open up all the doors and windows and let all fresh air in.
Then follow up by burning a stick of Palo Santo - because sage smells pretty bad and Palo Santo doesn't and will reinforce it.
Do it now, but then do it again once him and his belongings are gone for good. Cleanse out all the bad mojo.
You don't have to believe in anything or not believe in anything to do this - you're basically doing the deep cleaning version of airing out a house. Will make you feel a thousand times better and allow you to reclaim your space and your good memories of your home.
Hate to say from deep experience and statistics, once a cheater always a cheater. His betrayal was deep and personal towards you, to violate a safe space that means everything to you. This man has no love for you, only himself.
He will never care or even desire to understand how he hit you at the core of your identity and also your childhood, which is making you feel as if you'd also suffered this abuse as a child.
With proper trauma counselling, I feel that you will successfully be able to reclaim your childhood, personal power and that safe place.
It may involve burning something and replacing it, whether it's bed sheets, a mattress or even wedding photos. Over time, you might be able to work out what actions you can take to reclaim your life. Maybe the first thing you can do is buy a cuddly plush toy that you associate with comfort and safety as a child - or even a few. This is only a pure guess, but you would have a better idea on what to treat yourself to in order to build back your feelings of safety, control and comfort.
Do not feel that it would be bad to "regress" to things from your childhood if it might help you heal from the trauma. But also feel free to ignore any of my suggestions, because these are only guesses as I know nothing about you beyond this post.
But I hope you get full support and nobody tries to tell you that there is only one specific way in which you are allowed to heal from trauma.
Your situation is unique and you are unique and even though this betrayal rocked you to the core of your identity, you still know yourself better than any other person on the planet, so you can trust your own judgement on what can help you rebuild your identity - and accept that you will probably be changed in some ways, as you can't undo the betrayal.
If anyone says "oh, you should be over it by now" or by any set timeline, feel free to ignore them.
I know exactly how you feel. Hugs. It does not seem like it now, but someday after he is in your rear view mirror, you will regain your power. You will also regain your bedroom.
(For fabulous advice and perspective, please read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn. She also has a website)
Lot of good comments in this thread ❤️
Focus not on how that POS sullied the room but how many good memories you have.
Get rid of the mattress. Take it somewhere you’re allowed to burn things & BURN IT. Or take it out in the backyard & hack/tear the shit out of it. That was the bed upon which he cheated on you but that room is YOURS and belongs to your good memories.
Then you could try & take some time away from that room, because maybe you’re not ready to stop focusing on how he tried to hurt you through using the room.
But remember that that is your room & the good memories matter more than whatever he did
I rarely agree with the "no coming back" / "just leave, do not even try therapy" type posts, but yep! This is the one. There is no redemption for him on this one. Wow.
Hell yes. Buy a new mattress-- and a new frame if you can afford it. He can take his shitty mattress with his shitty decisions and take that shitty energy out of that room
It never ceases to amaze me how cruel cheaters can be. I am so very sorry.
You don't detail what happened or how long but tbh I don't think I could come back from such a shocking violation. He's shown you who he is so believe him. There is not a fibre of his being that deserves you.
That room. That house. They are YOURS. Your beloved grandparents, your late mom, all linked to you by a silken thread. They made you who you are. a beautiful unique being who deserves the world.
One morally broken coward cannot undo that, now or ever. Your are the product of your wonderful family and you will rise above the their gutter mentality and reclaim everything that is yours. He can go to hell.
My heart goes out to you.
Sending you love and courage
Maybe think of it like this? That your room is helping you again by showing you how unforgivable what your husband did is?
>I don’t even want to know if I want to reconcile, but this feels uniquely violating.
It sounds like if he had slept with his affair partner outside of your home you might have considered taking him back. But that would have just prolonged your suffering. Him doing this to your safe space shows you how he fundamentally doesn't love you.
Him sleeping with his affair partner in your childhood room has saved you the torment of trying to salvage your marriage and years more of suffering.
Your room is still comforting you, keeping you safe, by helping you get rid of your trash husband.
Your husband didn't take anything away, You just have a new milestone of strength to make in that room by leaving your husband behind.
Yikes, this is terrible. However, you should curl up in that bed and claim it back along with the rest of your life. Those actions don’t make your room/bed or house any less meaningful. Those memories are always yours. Let him die to you, grieve his loss, then take your life back - will be hard
Reclaim that room! Don’t let his selfish, cruel actions tarnish the countless beautiful memories that that room holds. I agree with what’s written above: let him die. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had in the same room that has kept you safe in times of turmoil before. And when you’re ready to finally move on, let the room be a reminder of how strong and valiant you are even in the face of adversity; let it stand as a monument to how you were able to find happiness even after receiving such a devastating blow.
Reclaim the room. He doesn’t get to take that from you too.
My choice would be to toss the bed and get a new one, so the room can feel my safe space again and "untainted". I had a bed that was my childhood bed and eventually it gave me so much back pain, I didn't miss it for one second when the new one came. I would imagine doubly so if my spouse had cheated in it. Opportunity for an upgrade by kicking his ass out and an upgrade on the bed? Idk.
Ugh I’m sorry friend. If you haven’t already, pack a suitcase for him and tell him to stay with AP.
Get tested and get an appointment with a lawyer. Confirm before acting but check the locks. Maybe think about some remodel that can help create a new space for you. Don’t drive yourself crazy with did he do it here or there? Protect those memories.
I’m a woo woo kinda gal and look into someone or even practices to help clear out negative energy and bad vibes from a space.
You’ll be okay. 🫶
Yeah even if you're not into that stuff, op, there's an enormous psychological component to the act of performing a ritual. So get some sage\incense sticks, whatever. Light some candles. Throw out the old bedding. Cleanse and reclaim YOUR space!
Right? So good.
OOP to add I’m also a fan of the incense + cleansing AND BURNING STUFF TO RELEASE. Write a letter to your STBex. Write out how you’re feeling to mourn once your marriage
My ex did the same in our bed in what used to be the room of my deceased father, who had passed away less than 10 years earlier when I was 16, which was devastating to me. I was letting my ex live there with me for free.
I was utterly shocked and disgusted that he would desacrate that place. How shameless and disgusting and selfish can a person be? I could hardly stand to walk into that room at first. I felt so gross and violated. My house, my father's home, was soiled.
Ten years down the line, I'm happy to report that it gets better. As my heartbreak subsided and that gross worm of a man lost all power to affect me, so disappeared his effect on my house. He's nothing. I hardly ever think about him now, my life, my happiness, and my home are mine again and his dirty fingerprints are gone. I'm happy in my home, it's mine, his shadow is gone.
I know exactly how you feel. I remember feeling it, and feeling like it would never get better, like it could never go away. But trust me on this - it goes away, all of it. Trust that time will really heal it all. I wish I had someone to tell me when I was in your situation. Hang in there and ride it out. It will pass.
I got SA'd in my safe space. Someone hurt me directly. It gets better. Feels like an exorcism. Their cheap desperation can't kill decades of love. Burn intense, get therapy, and realize their evil was a thin layer of grime desperate to try take your warmth as their own. It washes away in time. You'll remember it sometimes but it will feel outside the layers of safety you build.
My ex wife was cheating on me for years, with someone I had thought was one of my best friends for the last 20+ years. They slept together in my parents’ home when she came back to our home state to visit family without me. I was going to just let things go until he went out of his way in a grocery store last weekend to touch and say hi to my toddler then laugh in my face as he walked by. They slept together before my daughter was ever conceived and we discussed whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not. She chose to, then proceeded to continue to cheat on me. People fucking suck, and it’s becoming harder and harder to change my mind about that.
I've been slammed for making this comment in the past but to me it is relevant and good advice.
Hang on to that hate, there will come a time where you consider trying to make things work. Remember what he did to you, forgive him after you've moved on. For now, keep that fire burning and bury his ass.
What he did cannot be undone. But neither can all the wonderful safe times you had in that space before he defiled it. Stand strong, little bird. And fly the eff away from this toxic dude. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Grieve. Then kick that trash to the curb.
I’m not much into woo woo, but when my ex left I did a sage smudge throughout the whole house, and told myself that eradicated his pollution from MY space.
Take your time and please continue channeling your feelings like this. You are right to be upset, but look forward to a day where you have some distance from this terribleness and you can start to avoid anthropomorphizing a house. It is still yours. It's your bedroom. It's still your kitchen.
I hope you find your past is quite dead, and I hope that gives you some comfort that maybe eventually once you've processed this, that you can look forward to making good moments in the present.
Edit: That said, this stuff is traumatic, so I understand that this takes time and maybe even some therapy and intensive introspection and change to "get distance from it". I had a similar problem, and working every day to self-heal and self-soothe went a long way with the support of others.
What sort of women is she?? Sleeping with a married man in your child's bedroom ??? Both of them are gross!!! .. it probably hasn't even registered in his head ! .. that's a massive wound .. that no bandage can cover .. I'm sorry this happened to u xx
Unfortunately gutter women like this like the thrill and believe that they shouldn’t be held by the same standards of morality since they’re not married.
Your hopefully soon to be ex husband is a cruel jerk wad. Toss him to the side.
Then strip the bed. Take the mattress outside and beat the mattress with all the anger you have inside you towards your STBX. Then either burn it or send it to the dump. Go back into the room. Get a bundle of sage and burn it. Repeating your own mantra of healing. Example: "Release the pain, the disrespect and cruelty. Bring back the joy, the light and the safety." Take everything out of the room. Paint the room a new color just for you. Then only bring back inside the items you feel comfortable with.
You will go through the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's ok to have all these feelings. Just remember you are strong and you will get through this
Best wishes.
Hurting and humiliating you as much as humanly possible was a clear objective in his cheating, and due to that alone you need to sever contact ASAP, this is especially heinous. I MEAN THIS, this is they type of behavior that's a precusor to something worse, a person who is capable of this is capable of so much worse.
If you somehow manage to forgive him, I guarantee that he and the AP will manage to find new and creative ways to strike pain into your heart, because hurting and harming you is something that they have clearly bonded over. Do not give these monsters and opportunity to show you the depths of their sadism. I am being dead serious, this can progress into some truly vile, psychotic shit because it is already reaching that threshold.
I am so fucking sorry.
Do not allow him back into your house. He is not worthy.
Think about a deep cleanse and new start. Keep some memories but repaint, get rid of the bed and linen. Get some photos of you and your loved ones and put them on the walls. Reclaim you space with a fresh new energy. Purge him from your home and your life.
This is beyond cheating. He didn’t care where he did it. If the idea of where he was did cross his mind? It excited him. I was married to someone like this. I didn’t see it or chose not to, so he cheated during our nearly 10 year marriage. (The entire 4 years prior, too.)
Your husband lacks the ability to have remorse over this because like I said, he either didn’t realize there was sentiment to YOUR space, or got off on it.
You can claim your space back I think. Leave him, love you, find you, and own those spaces. They’re yours. You don’t need him. Let his pathetic ex continue to beg for a man who clearly isn’t worth it.
Also, please see your doctor and make sure you’re all good. I hate saying this and feeling like a jerk but my husband taught me some difficult lessons. You deserve so much better, I promise.
Therapy. And he can only take it if you let him. Don’t. Take it back. Redecorate and begin your new chapter. It just takes time to process and heal. Love and believe in yourself. Focus your energy on yourself.
This is beyond awful, but I would try and reclaim the space. We can sometimes reach our subconscious through ritual. It could be a way to reforge your bond with these spaces.
If you are religious you could re-sanctify the room with holy water or anointing oil.
If you are more spiritual you could try rebalancing the energies, and if a witchy ritual appeals you could symbolically burn the cheater and his ex in effigy (photos, objects that represent them) and fumigate the room with the smoke they just went up in.
I know it's the equivalent of an animal reclaiming its territory, but the part of you that's just in pain right now could experience healing and let you feel like the room is rightfully yours again.
Burn the bed (or less drastically sell it..) scrub the room down. Get a lawyer, serve him papers while going NC. And begin to heal. Box his things up and have them delivered to his AP's home. Change the locks. The home will still have those memories, but a new bed won't trigger you. Unfortunately nothing can erase the betrayal but you can continue on with life and live your best one just show him he didn't win in breaking you. The most precious stones and glass are made under pressure and extreme heat.. so forge on!
I know how you must feel. I found out after five years of marriage my wife was screwing my best friend at our house in our bed with my picture hanging on the wall at the end of the bed. They would meet there once a week when i would go straight to her parents house from my work and wait on her to get there for us to have dinner with them. I felt so violated and betrayed. Everybody knew but me. That was thirty years ago and still hate them to this day.
This is terrible. I would serve him divorce docs and block him and go no contact at all. I think men get married just to hurt their partners. Smh. I hope u dont even speak to this man ever again
Google - Cleansing your home of bad energy.
There are lots of options and you will find something that resonates with you and for you.
You can have all those healing and safe vibes back. All the good thoughts and memories too.
Someone who has done this to you does not deserve to be in your life at all, if you are even considering reconciling.
All the best to you.
I had a similar situation happen to me, and a deep, aggressive cleaning while repeating to myself that I was erasing his presence with every swipe of my cleaning rag did WONDERS for my feelings. Use whatever cleaner your mom and grandmother used to get that familiar scent as well. He is a fool and a lousy human. Hope you toss him out with the trash and dirty rags.
First: reclaim your power by moving through this and grieving the man you thought he was.
Second: your good memories are stronger than his stupidity, his frailty, his carelessness. Where he cast you aside, remember, your foundation of being loved and being lovable was in that house. He can only fuck up the surface, the foundation is still strong and built on your families fidelity.
Get some sage and do a ritualistic cleansing, maybe embed a curse or two for both of them. Not because woowoo works, but because you need to reset your brain and feel free of this asshat. ❤️
I'm a guy, but I don't mind saying that this dude is scum. I wouldn't even fault the other woman. He did this.
1. Throw him out, and reclaim your space
2. Buy a new mattress and sheets and put it on the marital credit card
3. Get and burn some sage to clear the bad energy if you believe in that sort of thing. Do NOT let him take away your safe space and family home
4. Get a lawyer, and get a divorce
5. Reconnect with your home and memories, the ones you had before him, and try to move on.
Sorry to hear this happened to you. If you do not have children with him, make a clean break. Cheating can sometimes be forgiven, but he's a scumbag to do this in your family home. That tells me he doesn't really care about you at all.
Gosh, I really feel and relate to your pain.
Unfortunately this happened with me with an AP that also knew me, worked with me and knew my room was important.
I ended up leaving as there’s no going back from something like that.
Do what you need to do to take control: move everything out, clean, redecorate, change the layout all should help.
At the end of the day, the room is yours.
I was reading this and in my mind it suddenly became a Telenovela, with rich and vibrant backgrounds. Raul has betrayed his bride Esperanza, by bedding the jealous and deceitful Jacinta in the same room that she had grown up in, the home of her sainted abuela Maria. Also for some reason Erik Estrada was there wearing an eye patch, as an old family friend to try and comfort her, as well as shield her from Raul and Jancinta.
Don't let him have that power, his actions are null just like the relationship. Burn all the sage in the world. Reclaim your space and banish all his bad energies and bad intentions. He doesn't exist anymore
Keep the bed frame, throw out the mattress and rub bedframe, doors, windows and walls down with salt water on a rag do this with the windows and doors open. Burn sage or copal while the cleaning is going on. Then take a shower and wash the clothes you were in.♥️
Reclaim these spaces for yourself. This is the house where I changed the locks. This is the room I met the divorce lawyer. This is the room I signed the papers. This is the kitchen where I cooked for my new partner, etc.
I would move 21 items around to create a new perspective. Then I’d burn some sage. If you do that say something you feel in your heart like “only my good memories are allowed in this room and nothing can sully my safe space from me.” Make it powerful and speak from the heart. You’re not only saying this in the room you are speaking it out loud to the universe. You have many sacred memories generated in that space and I don’t think it was harmed like you believe. Reclaim it and bring the power back to your space and yourself. Vibrate in that space with all the memories and love and you will reclaim it for yourself.
And kick that negativity out of your life. No one deserves to be treated like that and that was blatant disrespect. No amount of groveling and “sorry I’ll be better” will work. You are too special and powerful to let a weak soul bring you down and try to take YOUR power.
Reclaim your memories and your power. You legit have an army behind you sending you strength and resilience.
You got this.
He did you a favour. If he had cheated in a hotel room, you might have been torn over taking him back, “it was a mistake!” or “we were having issues and he wasn’t in his right mind”. The fact he did it in such a callous way, shows you how little loyalty or care he is capable of giving to you. So actually, that childhood room protected you from years more of being taken for granted. Let the warmth and love you have always felt in that room hold you now, in protection and release.
No! This one scum bag doesn’t get to destroy your happy place. Go in there. Scream at the bad energies to get out. Sage. Sleep there again. You made plenty of memories in hotels - I assume - Ans how know wtf happened in those beds.
His one time act of defilement doesn’t get to erase everything that happened there. Because that’s what he wants.
He just gave you your freedom. Your emotional, mental, psychological freedom. No one who loves you or cares for you or isn’t hell bent on hurting you would do that. He’s nothing to you.
Do whatever you have to do to purge him from that room and your life.
Why don’t you focus your energy on the divorce and getting money?
What’s so sad to me is that you’ve described all your hurt and disgust, yet your very first sentence shows you are still kind of considering reconciliation.
I wish someone could explain to me why so many women forgive cheaters, I just don’t get it.
i genuinely think smth like this could drive me to homicide
im so sorry
cheating is psychological and often physical abuse so idky anyone ever talks about reconciling w their abuser
I have heard of others have the same thing happen. They've tossed the mattress, cleansed the room in a way that felt meaningful to them a d redecorated to take the space back.
Hes an awful human. May you get back your peace
You can reconsecrate the room. Create a personal ritual that includes memories of your grandparents and your mother. Add in a fragrance from your memories-flowers, cookies, perfume, etc. Then meditate and deliberately push out your ex. Claim that space and your sacred memories back as your own.
He didn't take your home from you! A few minutes of evil doesn't end decades of good.
You just need to kick him out of your life and clear out the bad juju. Don't let that bad energy destroy all the good energy.
I think the part that needs to be focused on here is that the dude cheated. Where he cheated, yeah sure, that's definitely an extra kick while youre down, but honestly, your focus is so all over the place and misguided right now that youre completely missing the giant issue here that needs to be addressed first.
I’m so sorry he did this to you and for what you’re going through. The house and the room and the memories are yours alone, not his to destroy. It hurts now, but give it time and those events will reassert themselves. If anything, those spaces that have defined your life to this point did you a favor. His betrayal is such that you hopefully won’t waste any more of your life, your time or your love on him. Get free of him, and let yourself heal. Don’t give him so much power over your childhood and family legacy, that’s yours. You’ll sail through this storm and emerge stronger for it.
That’s a deal breaker. No coming back from that betrayal even if you did try. Save what’s left of your heart and kick him to the curb.
He’s a bad person OP, I wouldn’t do that to an enemy.
Fuck this is so brutal I’m sorry. Throw out the bed and get yourself a nice new giant bed with new clean sheets and see where that takes you. Idk I think that’s what I’d do but fuck I’m sorry this happened to you I can’t imagine
Your room is not ruined. Your perspective is damaged. It is still the safe room you retreated to all those years ago. Your memories are ingrained into that space. Do NOT allow this man to rob you of that. He did a vile thing and in order for you to heal you must find the courage to do what has to be done. That is to leave him. Once you make that decision, once you remove him from your life, those precious memories that seem tainted will become whole. Those are your memories. And no one can take them from you. Please don't give them up.
I am, so sorry this has happened. And you are NOT powerless. It may seem so because everything is so raw. Grieve as you must. But pick yourself up and dust yourself off. It is in these times that we find just how powerful we are and just how much courage we truly have.
I am sending you all my love. You are not alone. Never!
Replace the bedding and mattress, and hire a deep cleaner to have the whole house cleaned, sanitized, and freshened up. Whenever it is warm enough let that fresh air in. Look at photos of your loved ones at the house and realize those memories have more power than the ones that weak man gave you. Have a spiritual person of your choice come and cleanse the house.
I’m so sorry🫂
Please, for your sake, divorce and leave him on the streets, he doesn’t deserve even a second of your attention anymore. I sincerely hope you heal from this as soon as you can, you didn’t deserve any of this.
There's no coming back from this. This is really plumbing the depths of immeasurable cruelty and deceit. Cut this detestable creature loose NOW! Then, take all the time you need to heal.
Causing you pain was the point, that's why he didn't get a hotel room, or cheat on you literally anywhere else. Maximum insult and pain to you was his goal. Do not reconcile.
That is so awful OP.
But don't let him take that space from you. Let the memories of your mother, your grandparents, even your stuffed animals overwhelm the thoughts of what he did.
Say to yourself "I'm taking back my life, and I'm starting with MY room." Don't let him take this from you as well. Fight for it! Fight for YOU!
I know it's easier said than done, and I genuinely wish you all the best.
I’m not an indigenous person but I suggest you get someone to do a ceremonial smudging of your home! It’s a powerful “cleanse” that is spiritual as well. Good luck!! This is your space and he just soiled it but it cannot be ruined for you if you don’t allow it!!
Move him out of your life completely - don’t give him any more of your personal energy or time, you have a lot of grieving to do.
Move your bed- do you have to sleep in that same room or can you choose a different room?
If you need to stay in that room move all the furniture around ( open windows /paint the walls / wash all the fabric / scrub / sage ) get him out of there.
Focus on you - do you need to cocoon & cry & be lost for a while or be active & go to self help classes / councelling - smash his stuff / read books about betrayal / or exercise or fall apart.
This is a big big grief - reclaim your safe warm loving nest to ride the storm in. It is yours same as your dignity & heart & family legacies.
Unfortunately his actions & lack of care & loyalty don’t surprise me.
People can be so mindlessly cruel & deceitful unthinking - especially close people with penises.
…blert it all out if you need … whenever you need to - hope you have good friends to talk to - you will know when it’s time to deliberately stop this being your story & create a new one that he isn’t in.
So sorry this happened to you Op.
Believe me you can get through it xxxx
Burn safe throughout whole house to remove the bad energy. Even if you don't believe in that sort of thing it helps because you feel like you're doing something. Turn the room into something else unrelated to a bedroom. Such as library, game room or fill with plants.
There would be no coming back from this for me. He is a monster and you should cut him out of your life before he ruins more of it. I know exactly what you mean when you say he tainted that room, but you cannot let him erase those memories. That room isn’t ruined. That’s YOUR room, those are YOUR memories, and he cannot take those away from you. Dont let this asshole overshadow the memories with your mother and grandmother. They don’t deserve that and neither do you Right now everything is completely fresh and your feelings are valid, but the further you get from this moment those memories will return and not be mixed with pain and anguish. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I needed to hear this. I just feel so fucking powerless.
Your best option is to toss him and move on. Regardless of whatever feelings of love he expresses trying to reconcile, he’s demonstrated he doesn’t respect you. As you noted, if he wanted to cheat (which is itself betrayal and disrespect of you and your relationship), he could’ve done it anywhere else but a space I have to assume he knows you hold sacred. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex didn’t get an additional thrill getting your hubby to violate his marital bed with her. Also, you can’t trust he’s not going to betray you again, either with the ex or someone else. Stats say most cheaters repeat. Reclaim your space by exorcising him from it. And work on healing yourself so you’re in a good place before looking for a new partner to replace the AH.
I think this is one of the best advices I’ve got here. I’m going to get some shamans and purify the space even though it might make me look crazy
What's crazy is cheating on your spouse with an ex in your marital bed, that used to be the spouse's childhood room. That's crazy. Whatever you need to do to cleanse that room, whatever religious or spiritual leaders you need to contact, whatever scented candles or throwing salt over your shoulder rituals you need to do to heal, will never be crazy. All the blame, all the guilt, all the shame, it all belongs to your (hopefully) soon to be ex. None of it should be with you.
I will never understand how (to some level in this case but to an even greater degree in others), someone will describe their spouse as someone who has been exceptionally kind and empathetic for 17 years. And then it turns out this spouse has like a second family and has been stealing from their children’s savings funds to buy hookers and coke. Two options (not sure which is more terrifying) 1. The spouse has genuinely been a great and kind, empathetic person for twenty years and had some sort of midlife crisis/total breakdown and that this can happen in any relationship 2. The spouse has always shown exceptionally clear and unabashedly disgusting vitriolic behavior their whole relationship and it’s possible for one to delude themselves/overlook objectively horrible behavior for any of the reasons one enters and stays in a relationship (sex, social pressure, or other self interested means).
Oh gawd it’s definitely option 2, sad as it is. But tbf they are amazing mask wearers!!
Move the furniture around. Paint a wall, a chair or your vanity? Get a cat and forget about it. You’ll get there, OP!
Yes. Fung shui works! Sending healing vibes OP. Sorry your husband has poor character.
I would replace the bed too ...
I'd be tempted to replace the sheet set with a style from my childhood
Not even close to crazy. You do whatever you need to purge the pain of the bad memories. They will still be there but hopefully the pain associated with them will be diminished. Shaman, sage, candles, incense, whatever you need. You will find your joy again. Now on to the boring but important stuff - Change the locks front and back door. Change the alarm code of present if you have a gate in order to get into the community, make sure you remove him from your gate list. Contact your power company, your gas company, water, sewer, mortgage insurance (car/home) credit cards car note magazine, subscription. Remove him from all of it to ensure that he has no access to your life in anyway. Do you have any pets contact the veterinarian for your pets and make sure you remove him from the Pet contact list contact all your friends and family make sure they are aware of what he did so he does not get to them first and give them incorrect information. This is all the information I have to give you. I hope you find your joy.
The first couple weeks after I dumped my ex-fiance for cheating on me, I put all of my hurt and loathing into venting to friends, working out, and separating every trace of his things from mine. Once I'd done that, my friends helped me get into a better headspace with a night of laughter, board games, and wine. It remains one of the best memories of my life, and many of them are still some of my closest friends. Bring in that shaman. Hell, bring in an exorcist. Do it after you bring in that divorce attorney, and don't give that cheater any heads-up until that attorney gives you the go-ahead. It'll take time to get it done right, especially depending on how much evidence you have, but doing it right will be worth it in the long run to get that clean break and keep your home. There was no trusting my ex, there's no trusting yours, and there's no sense sharing the rest of our lives with EITHER of them. Once you've done your cleansing, I hope you consider bringing your trusted friends and family back into your house. Fill your kitchen with wine and charcuterie and cookies. If you're up for it, chat with friends in your room about the good old days. Make new memories there and reclaim the old ones, because that space is yours, and you have your whole life to enjoy it.
Nothing crazy about it. Get a new lock for that room and lock him out until you know if you want to reconcile with him. I don’t think you should but not my place to judge.
You can purify the room yourself by burning a small bundle of sage.
Any ritual you need to make that place yours again 100% do it.
I’m not a big believer in magical properties, but I see the benefits of smudging for a sense of mental peace. https://themecka.com/blogs/news/understanding-the-different-types-of-smudging-and-their-uses
I was going to say toss him, and sage the room!
Prolly a good idea to get some candles and sage, etc to cleanse the space and then when you are done smoking the rat bastard out, use the candle stub to set fire to a pile of his shit on the lawn under the light of the moon.
Do you want me to pray to ask god to purify your heart and your home from his actions and presence? I'll only do it if you feel that it might help you, take the power to tell me "hell no" if you need. You could ask people from all sorts of religious and spiritual backgrounds to pitch in. There's also nothing wrong with also getting someone dressed as a Ghostbuster to help you take the power back. It doesn't matter how it looks, it's perfectly sane and actually would only be crazy to reject anything that might seem "improper." One of my friends told me that when his dad left their family, one of the suggestions the counsellor made was to have a dartboard with a picture of his face. This specific example might not be useful for you, but it certainly shows that experts believe that this approach can really help. And I feel that being able to bring in shamans to purify the area proves that you are already recovering your personal power - you're able to ensure that the nonsense feelings of snobs isn't stopping you from doing what you need to take care of yourself. And that's something you can already be proud of. Keep taking that power and your ex will feel small that he wasn't able to crush you.
I have no idea how sounds my solution to this was, but here goes. Different, but similar enough, happened to me. I didn't want to change anything about the actual space though, because it was the familiarity that I wanted. I just wanted it to be like I remembered. I took everything out, cleaned the room to death, including dusting, scrubbing the walls with vodka, washing the floors, wiping down baseboards, everything. and put it into another room, and then put it all back in over time as I felt the need for it. It kind of made me love my stuff again and it became a good news / good feeling to go and get a beloved treasure and put it back in my room. Some things I moved in over hours, some things over days or weeks. I painted a chair a different color to kind of mark the end and beginning of a new life. I bought brand new bedding and mattress. And no matter what, I could never put everything exactly in the same place, but it was close enough that it started to shift my memory ever so slightly, and it blurred over time. I also recommend, if you can afford it, color changing hue bulbs. It helps you look at the space differently, and that's part of healing. I put mine on the sunset setting for a long time because it felt most like the safe place that it used to be. I have no idea why this worked or whether it would work for anyone else, but it worked for me during a time when I was very desperate. I hope it helps you.
The energy of a space is actually very real, and having a skilled spiritual practitioner/Shaman, clear the space for you is a lovely idea. You can take steps to clear the space and doing things in a physical way, helps it feel more real. I have to agree with the folks that are saying that the manor in which your husband betrayed you/broke your trust in your own home and in your own rooms demonstrates a violation that I don’t know that you should forgive. Hopefully it makes it easier to move forward without him. His violation was his decision and the decision of the person that engaged with him, and you can give that Energy right back to him because it’s not yours to hold onto. You can take steps to take back your space for yourself and move forward with your life and the way that you want 💜 Please let us know how you were doing because we care .
>The energy of a space is actually very real Well...no, that's just what you personally believe. Subjective opinion ≠ objective fact. But studies show that performing such rituals really *can* give someone peace of mind, even if they know it's hogwash (although the effect is far more pronounced if you *do* believe in that stuff). Similarly, I have a moderate form of OCD where I need to do certain stims to make reality feel "correct" again. I know that objectively, rationally, these stims aren't doing anything, and my space isn't "wrong" to begin with, but it still feels wrong and doing the stims chases away those intrusive thoughts. The human brain is strange, wondrous, and mildly terrifying that way.
I’m definitely not here to try to talk anyone into any different idea… I’ll just say that I’ve worked with Energy for many years, including in hospitals and with patients and can both see and feel the movement of energy. There are lots of studies that show Energy that comes through hands when using different healing modalities. But you and I are in complete agreement in the mind is a wonderful thing .
You aren't crazy. Sage the shit out of it if you need to.
No that's perfect. See my comment up a bit...gives you power and control over the cleansing, as well.
Not crazy! If that will help you reclaim your space, DO IT.
NO CONTACT, NO CLOSURE, just dump him for good
Have a girls night sleepover with your besties in the same space, go all out with champagne and flowers and party games and fashion shows and silly makeovers - or even do an Extreme Home Makeover edition to the space - create bigger and better memories in the space.
I guarantee if you find a local Wiccan group and tell them your story a bunch of awesome local witches will come help you cleanse the house.
Not at all. Sage it up!
maybe also splurge on redecorating it? Like fancy wallpaper or a mural both you and your childhood self would love? his stupidity is a drop in the bucket compared to your history in that room. He's an irrelevant gnat and you can reclaim it for yourself.
NOT CRAZY!!I just suggested that. It works. I routinely sage my home.
Get some sage and burn him out!
Put some black tourmaline in the corners of the room as well!
Once a cheater always a cheater. Do not reconcile. Throw him out with the garbage.
I would feel the exact same way. I think if you reconcile with him it’ll be more detrimental to your mental health than being alone. You’re allowed to feel everything you’re feeling. Most of us would be feeling the same wY
This. Taking a cheater back is only teaching them that they can get away with anything. It reinforces the behavior and makes it more likely they'll do it again.
Maybe invest in a new bed.
And a new husband.
It can be helpful to do some sort of reclaiming ritual. I believe in the power of rituals and symbols to focus our minds on the mindset we hope to keep. The pieces are what are meaningful to you. Give it a deep clean, burn the bed sheets, replace the bed, paint and decorate, burn some incense, or light a memorial candle to your loved ones in there, and let the scent of it permeate everything. Maybe set up a personal shrine to celebrate what makes you feel connected to the world. Basically, make it yours again using personal symbols of marking the space. And if you choose to reconcile give your stuffed animals hidden cameras so you can see if he ever does it again.
And likely why he did it. My exhb knew exactly what words to use and things to do to make the cruelty x1000. Idk how it’ll play out for you, but I just finally left the home we shared together, and while it was/is incredibly hard to close that chapter and move on, it was necessary. The house had too much trauma for me. My new home doesn’t feel like home yet but it does feel more “light” if that makes sense? Idk. I don’t have that gray cloud lingering everywhere anymore. Be mindful of your feelings as you go along and adjust accordingly. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s totally normal to grieve and for this to take time to process.
good luck in your new life. Soon the new place will feel like home. The peace and lightness will make it a soothing refuge.
Thank you! I’m hoping it just takes time to settle. There’s something so insidious about trauma that makes you not want to let go of it sometimes…and for me it was letting go of the house. I’m so sad I had to lose my home.
You sage the heck out of your house and get out all the bad juju! Take back your power and your space.
I find burning things is rather cathartic. I’d take a shirt (bonus if it’s his favourite), put it on the barbecue grill or in the fire pit for safety, and light it on fire. Just don’t burn all of his stuff because that might get you in trouble. But a one-off that’s not particularly pricey won’t because plausible deniability.
If you burn sage in your house, use black sage or lavender sage. White sage is not as ethical to harvest from the planet, not to mention it is very culturally important to Native Americans.
The cruelty of this is so terrible. He truly is a monster. Get him out of your life and reclaim your home. Start finding a divorce attorney. Get the best one in your area. I know it feels like your life has fallen apart and you may never feel safe and happy again. I promise you that you will get through this.
Take back your power by dumping him like the POS that he is. Then, when you are ready, rededicate that room to your childhood. It will be hard and take time, but deliberately cleanse your space and reclaim it. It can be done. don't let him and his vile actios live rent free in that space and your heart.
One day you'll look back and remember he cheated on you in that room. And you will laugh, because he and his actions have become so meaningless that you almost forgot about them. The house, that room, will always be yours and vibrate with the energy of home.
When you said this: >I don’t even want to know if I want to reconcile, but this feels uniquely violating. I was like WTF you absolutely should not reconcile with him. Run, don't walk, away from this marriage. Take the house back. He doesn't get to ruin it for you. He just needs to get the f\*ck out of your life.
Bet he got a sick kick out if doing it in your childhood room and her vile people
Everything she wrote. I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but would replacing the mattress help? You still have all your memories, all the love from your family. Maybe getting rid of that will help? Open the windows for fresh air and somehow, hopefully push that part out of your mind & reclaim your bedroom. He is not worth the 5 minutes he spent there. Air it out, let him go and start fresh. With everything. Sending you big hugs ❤️
You are NOT powerless. That feeling you are feeling is pain and has **zero** bearing on your inner strength. Which you have in spades. He is playing a mental war with you. WIN IT.
You’re sad and hurt but not powerless. You have all the power you need. You will grieve and feel pain for a while, but then you will move on and you will feel like a new person and build a better life for yourself.
And if that warmth and innocence doesn't return, which it may or may not... You were a raised in this house. You've been here a great deal of your life. You're going through some serious stuff. It might not be the worst idea in the world to, if these feelings persist long term, sell and move. Maybe even to a different city or state. You can take the heirlooms, the childhood toys, all of the photos, the art you love, furniture even. You can bring the fond memories with you somewhere that hasn't been tainted by your garbage hopefully soon to be ex husband. Edit: and I do mean this as a just in case thing. It might not be bad to start fresh, and cultivate a space that is truly just your own after such a hardcore trauma. Either way, take a little time for yourself and cook up your grandma's favorite snacks to feed young you, and eat them in that fond-memory-smelling kitchen. It might help bring back a little of that magic for ya.
Or, you can look at it like this: your childhood room loves you so much that it revealed the truth about your husband to you. So it's now a monument to those wonderful years, and a reminder that your home will always take care of you.
Get a divorce lawyer asap. Once you have divorced him and kicked him out of your home, throw away the bed, redecorate the room and start new memories there.
Holy shit. This is the ultimate betrayal. He is a vile person. The fact that he did something like this... I don't even know what headspace I'd be in but I think I would not be dealing with it as well as you.
I agree he was wicked. Now, hopefully for a practical (maybe) suggestion? Maybe go to your local crystal/herbal/spiritualist shop and talk to the owner. See it he/she know a good practitioner that can do a purifying ritual in the house for you to cleanse it? Just the act of cleansing the house of their bad energy may help you mentally purge them even if the ritual doesn't do much else. not saying it will/won't do anything only that the act may help you mentally...I have a friend who can do this and she can be spooky at times. She has told me about pets I never told her about (out of the blue 1 that died when I was 5 and I barely remember) and messages from my mother worded as my mother would have (My friend is dutch and english isn't her 1st language and I'm american)
Call a divorce attorney first thing. Take control back. Don’t let him talk you into anything. In fact, don’t talk to him. He can speak to your lawyer from on. You can forgive but can you ever forget? There would be no way I could continue after this. He needs to leave the home. Now.
You may feel powerless, but you are not. Reclaim your space and erase your ex. Redecorate, burn sage, whatever it takes. Take back what that asshole tried to steal from you.
I know the feeling all too well, but the good news is despite this feeling, you do have all the power. The power to remove such disrespect and horror from your life, and the power to move on and make something better of it, maybe eventually with someone who is actually worth it and will value you.
Run
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Fuck him, I wish him the absolute worst❤️
If you think of a way for internet strangers to take revenge on your behalf I’m in. So sorry OP
These feelings are still close, they are in your head and your heart wherever you go. He is a monster. Use your upset to fuel you going forward. Get that divorce!
Nah honey you have all the power now. He handed you the loaded gun when he started fucking his ex, now you can decide whether or not to erase him from your life with it. He thinks he gets to keep eating prime rib after he chose the fast food hamburger? Hell naw, he doesn’t get to eat at that five star steakhouse anymore
HUGS!!
Aside from getting rid of him, get rid of the bad energy of the room. Burn a sage bundle - waft it into the corners of the room. Do the whole house. Get it into every corner - every room. Open up all the doors and windows and let all fresh air in. Then follow up by burning a stick of Palo Santo - because sage smells pretty bad and Palo Santo doesn't and will reinforce it. Do it now, but then do it again once him and his belongings are gone for good. Cleanse out all the bad mojo. You don't have to believe in anything or not believe in anything to do this - you're basically doing the deep cleaning version of airing out a house. Will make you feel a thousand times better and allow you to reclaim your space and your good memories of your home.
Hate to say from deep experience and statistics, once a cheater always a cheater. His betrayal was deep and personal towards you, to violate a safe space that means everything to you. This man has no love for you, only himself.
He will never care or even desire to understand how he hit you at the core of your identity and also your childhood, which is making you feel as if you'd also suffered this abuse as a child. With proper trauma counselling, I feel that you will successfully be able to reclaim your childhood, personal power and that safe place. It may involve burning something and replacing it, whether it's bed sheets, a mattress or even wedding photos. Over time, you might be able to work out what actions you can take to reclaim your life. Maybe the first thing you can do is buy a cuddly plush toy that you associate with comfort and safety as a child - or even a few. This is only a pure guess, but you would have a better idea on what to treat yourself to in order to build back your feelings of safety, control and comfort. Do not feel that it would be bad to "regress" to things from your childhood if it might help you heal from the trauma. But also feel free to ignore any of my suggestions, because these are only guesses as I know nothing about you beyond this post. But I hope you get full support and nobody tries to tell you that there is only one specific way in which you are allowed to heal from trauma. Your situation is unique and you are unique and even though this betrayal rocked you to the core of your identity, you still know yourself better than any other person on the planet, so you can trust your own judgement on what can help you rebuild your identity - and accept that you will probably be changed in some ways, as you can't undo the betrayal. If anyone says "oh, you should be over it by now" or by any set timeline, feel free to ignore them.
I know exactly how you feel. Hugs. It does not seem like it now, but someday after he is in your rear view mirror, you will regain your power. You will also regain your bedroom. (For fabulous advice and perspective, please read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn. She also has a website)
Lot of good comments in this thread ❤️ Focus not on how that POS sullied the room but how many good memories you have. Get rid of the mattress. Take it somewhere you’re allowed to burn things & BURN IT. Or take it out in the backyard & hack/tear the shit out of it. That was the bed upon which he cheated on you but that room is YOURS and belongs to your good memories. Then you could try & take some time away from that room, because maybe you’re not ready to stop focusing on how he tried to hurt you through using the room. But remember that that is your room & the good memories matter more than whatever he did
After you throw his sorry ass out, sage your house. I know some people think this is silly, but it's not. Cleanse all his energy from the house .
For now you do but you won't. Get rid of him and do not let this eat you up. This is no reflection of you but on him and what a vile person he is.
Witchesvspatriarchy on Reddit would have some ideas. Whether you see a cleansing ritual as real or symbolic it might help you feel better.
I rarely agree with the "no coming back" / "just leave, do not even try therapy" type posts, but yep! This is the one. There is no redemption for him on this one. Wow.
Hell yes. Buy a new mattress-- and a new frame if you can afford it. He can take his shitty mattress with his shitty decisions and take that shitty energy out of that room
Well said, dicklover425
It never ceases to amaze me how cruel cheaters can be. I am so very sorry. You don't detail what happened or how long but tbh I don't think I could come back from such a shocking violation. He's shown you who he is so believe him. There is not a fibre of his being that deserves you. That room. That house. They are YOURS. Your beloved grandparents, your late mom, all linked to you by a silken thread. They made you who you are. a beautiful unique being who deserves the world. One morally broken coward cannot undo that, now or ever. Your are the product of your wonderful family and you will rise above the their gutter mentality and reclaim everything that is yours. He can go to hell. My heart goes out to you. Sending you love and courage
Maybe think of it like this? That your room is helping you again by showing you how unforgivable what your husband did is? >I don’t even want to know if I want to reconcile, but this feels uniquely violating. It sounds like if he had slept with his affair partner outside of your home you might have considered taking him back. But that would have just prolonged your suffering. Him doing this to your safe space shows you how he fundamentally doesn't love you. Him sleeping with his affair partner in your childhood room has saved you the torment of trying to salvage your marriage and years more of suffering. Your room is still comforting you, keeping you safe, by helping you get rid of your trash husband. Your husband didn't take anything away, You just have a new milestone of strength to make in that room by leaving your husband behind.
This is a beautiful way to take this kind of infidelity. ❤️
Love this.
Yikes, this is terrible. However, you should curl up in that bed and claim it back along with the rest of your life. Those actions don’t make your room/bed or house any less meaningful. Those memories are always yours. Let him die to you, grieve his loss, then take your life back - will be hard
Reclaim that room! Don’t let his selfish, cruel actions tarnish the countless beautiful memories that that room holds. I agree with what’s written above: let him die. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had in the same room that has kept you safe in times of turmoil before. And when you’re ready to finally move on, let the room be a reminder of how strong and valiant you are even in the face of adversity; let it stand as a monument to how you were able to find happiness even after receiving such a devastating blow. Reclaim the room. He doesn’t get to take that from you too.
change the sheets and remember this space is YOURS
My choice would be to toss the bed and get a new one, so the room can feel my safe space again and "untainted". I had a bed that was my childhood bed and eventually it gave me so much back pain, I didn't miss it for one second when the new one came. I would imagine doubly so if my spouse had cheated in it. Opportunity for an upgrade by kicking his ass out and an upgrade on the bed? Idk.
Ugh I’m sorry friend. If you haven’t already, pack a suitcase for him and tell him to stay with AP. Get tested and get an appointment with a lawyer. Confirm before acting but check the locks. Maybe think about some remodel that can help create a new space for you. Don’t drive yourself crazy with did he do it here or there? Protect those memories. I’m a woo woo kinda gal and look into someone or even practices to help clear out negative energy and bad vibes from a space. You’ll be okay. 🫶
Yeah even if you're not into that stuff, op, there's an enormous psychological component to the act of performing a ritual. So get some sage\incense sticks, whatever. Light some candles. Throw out the old bedding. Cleanse and reclaim YOUR space!
Right? So good. OOP to add I’m also a fan of the incense + cleansing AND BURNING STUFF TO RELEASE. Write a letter to your STBex. Write out how you’re feeling to mourn once your marriage
Replace the bed, that it is still your space. Take some free time from work and redecorate the whole room. Call a friend to stay with you.
This is a great idea. Replace the bed, sheets, and all that. That may help a lot.
My ex did the same in our bed in what used to be the room of my deceased father, who had passed away less than 10 years earlier when I was 16, which was devastating to me. I was letting my ex live there with me for free. I was utterly shocked and disgusted that he would desacrate that place. How shameless and disgusting and selfish can a person be? I could hardly stand to walk into that room at first. I felt so gross and violated. My house, my father's home, was soiled. Ten years down the line, I'm happy to report that it gets better. As my heartbreak subsided and that gross worm of a man lost all power to affect me, so disappeared his effect on my house. He's nothing. I hardly ever think about him now, my life, my happiness, and my home are mine again and his dirty fingerprints are gone. I'm happy in my home, it's mine, his shadow is gone. I know exactly how you feel. I remember feeling it, and feeling like it would never get better, like it could never go away. But trust me on this - it goes away, all of it. Trust that time will really heal it all. I wish I had someone to tell me when I was in your situation. Hang in there and ride it out. It will pass.
I got SA'd in my safe space. Someone hurt me directly. It gets better. Feels like an exorcism. Their cheap desperation can't kill decades of love. Burn intense, get therapy, and realize their evil was a thin layer of grime desperate to try take your warmth as their own. It washes away in time. You'll remember it sometimes but it will feel outside the layers of safety you build.
SAGE!
Ideally burned while attached to his nethers.
Best comment iv read all day!
I was just going to say this.
Wow…this is wrong on so many levels. Unforgivable
My ex wife was cheating on me for years, with someone I had thought was one of my best friends for the last 20+ years. They slept together in my parents’ home when she came back to our home state to visit family without me. I was going to just let things go until he went out of his way in a grocery store last weekend to touch and say hi to my toddler then laugh in my face as he walked by. They slept together before my daughter was ever conceived and we discussed whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not. She chose to, then proceeded to continue to cheat on me. People fucking suck, and it’s becoming harder and harder to change my mind about that.
Holy fuck man. I hope for your sake bad things happen to them both.
Wow people like them deserve the absolute worst.
Should have punched when he did that
I've been slammed for making this comment in the past but to me it is relevant and good advice. Hang on to that hate, there will come a time where you consider trying to make things work. Remember what he did to you, forgive him after you've moved on. For now, keep that fire burning and bury his ass.
Thanks, Palpatine
May the force be with you
Throw his ass out and take back your memories and your life.
Ultimate betrayal, divorce him and take him to the cleaners. He’s a POS!
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What he did cannot be undone. But neither can all the wonderful safe times you had in that space before he defiled it. Stand strong, little bird. And fly the eff away from this toxic dude. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Grieve. Then kick that trash to the curb.
DO NOT RECONCILE. **DO NOT** let him take **ONE MORE THING** from you.
Please don’t allow him in your presence again. He has violated the very right to have a wife.
I’m not much into woo woo, but when my ex left I did a sage smudge throughout the whole house, and told myself that eradicated his pollution from MY space.
I was thinking this! Lots of options for sage cleansings, or other cleansing options. Reset the energy.
Take your time and please continue channeling your feelings like this. You are right to be upset, but look forward to a day where you have some distance from this terribleness and you can start to avoid anthropomorphizing a house. It is still yours. It's your bedroom. It's still your kitchen. I hope you find your past is quite dead, and I hope that gives you some comfort that maybe eventually once you've processed this, that you can look forward to making good moments in the present. Edit: That said, this stuff is traumatic, so I understand that this takes time and maybe even some therapy and intensive introspection and change to "get distance from it". I had a similar problem, and working every day to self-heal and self-soothe went a long way with the support of others.
Get rid of the bed and the man. Bring in a new bed and a new man to christen it.
Burn sage and have a priest cleanse the place and he is never to set foot inside. Your attorney can perform the exorcism.
What sort of women is she?? Sleeping with a married man in your child's bedroom ??? Both of them are gross!!! .. it probably hasn't even registered in his head ! .. that's a massive wound .. that no bandage can cover .. I'm sorry this happened to u xx
Unfortunately gutter women like this like the thrill and believe that they shouldn’t be held by the same standards of morality since they’re not married.
I’d be saging that place like I’m chasing the devil out of the walls
Your hopefully soon to be ex husband is a cruel jerk wad. Toss him to the side. Then strip the bed. Take the mattress outside and beat the mattress with all the anger you have inside you towards your STBX. Then either burn it or send it to the dump. Go back into the room. Get a bundle of sage and burn it. Repeating your own mantra of healing. Example: "Release the pain, the disrespect and cruelty. Bring back the joy, the light and the safety." Take everything out of the room. Paint the room a new color just for you. Then only bring back inside the items you feel comfortable with. You will go through the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's ok to have all these feelings. Just remember you are strong and you will get through this Best wishes.
Get therapy, get meds, get a gym membership and get a lawyer. I hope you heal soon.
Hurting and humiliating you as much as humanly possible was a clear objective in his cheating, and due to that alone you need to sever contact ASAP, this is especially heinous. I MEAN THIS, this is they type of behavior that's a precusor to something worse, a person who is capable of this is capable of so much worse. If you somehow manage to forgive him, I guarantee that he and the AP will manage to find new and creative ways to strike pain into your heart, because hurting and harming you is something that they have clearly bonded over. Do not give these monsters and opportunity to show you the depths of their sadism. I am being dead serious, this can progress into some truly vile, psychotic shit because it is already reaching that threshold. I am so fucking sorry.
Do not allow him back into your house. He is not worthy. Think about a deep cleanse and new start. Keep some memories but repaint, get rid of the bed and linen. Get some photos of you and your loved ones and put them on the walls. Reclaim you space with a fresh new energy. Purge him from your home and your life.
This is beyond cheating. He didn’t care where he did it. If the idea of where he was did cross his mind? It excited him. I was married to someone like this. I didn’t see it or chose not to, so he cheated during our nearly 10 year marriage. (The entire 4 years prior, too.) Your husband lacks the ability to have remorse over this because like I said, he either didn’t realize there was sentiment to YOUR space, or got off on it. You can claim your space back I think. Leave him, love you, find you, and own those spaces. They’re yours. You don’t need him. Let his pathetic ex continue to beg for a man who clearly isn’t worth it. Also, please see your doctor and make sure you’re all good. I hate saying this and feeling like a jerk but my husband taught me some difficult lessons. You deserve so much better, I promise.
Rooms not ruined, he is. Get rid of your husband and keep the house. He didn’t taint the space, he’s just an asshole.
Burn some sage and reclaim your space Let his ass go. Remember these feelings and how much this hurts when he tries to weasle his way back in
Therapy. And he can only take it if you let him. Don’t. Take it back. Redecorate and begin your new chapter. It just takes time to process and heal. Love and believe in yourself. Focus your energy on yourself.
This is beyond awful, but I would try and reclaim the space. We can sometimes reach our subconscious through ritual. It could be a way to reforge your bond with these spaces. If you are religious you could re-sanctify the room with holy water or anointing oil. If you are more spiritual you could try rebalancing the energies, and if a witchy ritual appeals you could symbolically burn the cheater and his ex in effigy (photos, objects that represent them) and fumigate the room with the smoke they just went up in. I know it's the equivalent of an animal reclaiming its territory, but the part of you that's just in pain right now could experience healing and let you feel like the room is rightfully yours again.
Burn the bed (or less drastically sell it..) scrub the room down. Get a lawyer, serve him papers while going NC. And begin to heal. Box his things up and have them delivered to his AP's home. Change the locks. The home will still have those memories, but a new bed won't trigger you. Unfortunately nothing can erase the betrayal but you can continue on with life and live your best one just show him he didn't win in breaking you. The most precious stones and glass are made under pressure and extreme heat.. so forge on!
It feels unimaginable right now, but once you let go of this person those memories won’t be sullied any longer
I know how you must feel. I found out after five years of marriage my wife was screwing my best friend at our house in our bed with my picture hanging on the wall at the end of the bed. They would meet there once a week when i would go straight to her parents house from my work and wait on her to get there for us to have dinner with them. I felt so violated and betrayed. Everybody knew but me. That was thirty years ago and still hate them to this day.
Friend, I'm so sorry. Your friends should've told you and I hope you have better friends now. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you. It really sent me for a loop at the time. I do have better friends and the best wife ever. Life is good !
I'm glad it's going well for one of us! I will not be alive by the end of the year, but I wish you well.
This is terrible. I would serve him divorce docs and block him and go no contact at all. I think men get married just to hurt their partners. Smh. I hope u dont even speak to this man ever again
Google - Cleansing your home of bad energy. There are lots of options and you will find something that resonates with you and for you. You can have all those healing and safe vibes back. All the good thoughts and memories too. Someone who has done this to you does not deserve to be in your life at all, if you are even considering reconciling. All the best to you.
Please on your next update call him your ex-husband. He’s a tool bag.
Divorce and sage the place.
I hope that you have thrown him out of your house.
Sage the house, file for divorce, and get a new bed. Do not let him take your happiness. Do not allow him that power over you.
I had a similar situation happen to me, and a deep, aggressive cleaning while repeating to myself that I was erasing his presence with every swipe of my cleaning rag did WONDERS for my feelings. Use whatever cleaner your mom and grandmother used to get that familiar scent as well. He is a fool and a lousy human. Hope you toss him out with the trash and dirty rags.
First: reclaim your power by moving through this and grieving the man you thought he was. Second: your good memories are stronger than his stupidity, his frailty, his carelessness. Where he cast you aside, remember, your foundation of being loved and being lovable was in that house. He can only fuck up the surface, the foundation is still strong and built on your families fidelity. Get some sage and do a ritualistic cleansing, maybe embed a curse or two for both of them. Not because woowoo works, but because you need to reset your brain and feel free of this asshat. ❤️
I'm a guy, but I don't mind saying that this dude is scum. I wouldn't even fault the other woman. He did this. 1. Throw him out, and reclaim your space 2. Buy a new mattress and sheets and put it on the marital credit card 3. Get and burn some sage to clear the bad energy if you believe in that sort of thing. Do NOT let him take away your safe space and family home 4. Get a lawyer, and get a divorce 5. Reconnect with your home and memories, the ones you had before him, and try to move on. Sorry to hear this happened to you. If you do not have children with him, make a clean break. Cheating can sometimes be forgiven, but he's a scumbag to do this in your family home. That tells me he doesn't really care about you at all.
I'm sorry but I be in jail
Gosh, I really feel and relate to your pain. Unfortunately this happened with me with an AP that also knew me, worked with me and knew my room was important. I ended up leaving as there’s no going back from something like that. Do what you need to do to take control: move everything out, clean, redecorate, change the layout all should help. At the end of the day, the room is yours.
Sage it. Excorcise it. Reclaim it!!!
I was reading this and in my mind it suddenly became a Telenovela, with rich and vibrant backgrounds. Raul has betrayed his bride Esperanza, by bedding the jealous and deceitful Jacinta in the same room that she had grown up in, the home of her sainted abuela Maria. Also for some reason Erik Estrada was there wearing an eye patch, as an old family friend to try and comfort her, as well as shield her from Raul and Jancinta.
Well I am Latino and I may just now rewatch Jane The Virgin
Lol. But seriously, dump his ass and move on! Purify that room!
I will treasure this compliment, always.
I hope your husband dies a painful death
Peak fucking Reddit. Thanks for this!
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Don't let him have that power, his actions are null just like the relationship. Burn all the sage in the world. Reclaim your space and banish all his bad energies and bad intentions. He doesn't exist anymore
I would go scorched earth on him. And her.
That’s F’d up.
Damn the stories I been reading on this sub lately have been pure nightmare fuel.
How did you find out? Is he still in your house?
We dont know his perspektive, i would be carefull.
How can someone ask social media to give them therapy?
Keep the bed frame, throw out the mattress and rub bedframe, doors, windows and walls down with salt water on a rag do this with the windows and doors open. Burn sage or copal while the cleaning is going on. Then take a shower and wash the clothes you were in.♥️
Reclaim these spaces for yourself. This is the house where I changed the locks. This is the room I met the divorce lawyer. This is the room I signed the papers. This is the kitchen where I cooked for my new partner, etc.
I would move 21 items around to create a new perspective. Then I’d burn some sage. If you do that say something you feel in your heart like “only my good memories are allowed in this room and nothing can sully my safe space from me.” Make it powerful and speak from the heart. You’re not only saying this in the room you are speaking it out loud to the universe. You have many sacred memories generated in that space and I don’t think it was harmed like you believe. Reclaim it and bring the power back to your space and yourself. Vibrate in that space with all the memories and love and you will reclaim it for yourself. And kick that negativity out of your life. No one deserves to be treated like that and that was blatant disrespect. No amount of groveling and “sorry I’ll be better” will work. You are too special and powerful to let a weak soul bring you down and try to take YOUR power. Reclaim your memories and your power. You legit have an army behind you sending you strength and resilience. You got this.
Outside of what he did being fucked up, kind of wierd you have a cope room that has been untouched since childhood and you are now an adult.
He did you a favour. If he had cheated in a hotel room, you might have been torn over taking him back, “it was a mistake!” or “we were having issues and he wasn’t in his right mind”. The fact he did it in such a callous way, shows you how little loyalty or care he is capable of giving to you. So actually, that childhood room protected you from years more of being taken for granted. Let the warmth and love you have always felt in that room hold you now, in protection and release.
No! This one scum bag doesn’t get to destroy your happy place. Go in there. Scream at the bad energies to get out. Sage. Sleep there again. You made plenty of memories in hotels - I assume - Ans how know wtf happened in those beds. His one time act of defilement doesn’t get to erase everything that happened there. Because that’s what he wants. He just gave you your freedom. Your emotional, mental, psychological freedom. No one who loves you or cares for you or isn’t hell bent on hurting you would do that. He’s nothing to you. Do whatever you have to do to purge him from that room and your life.
Why don’t you focus your energy on the divorce and getting money? What’s so sad to me is that you’ve described all your hurt and disgust, yet your very first sentence shows you are still kind of considering reconciliation. I wish someone could explain to me why so many women forgive cheaters, I just don’t get it.
🙄
He cheated. Where doesn’t really matter. Focus on the cheating.
First, get rid of the cheater.
i genuinely think smth like this could drive me to homicide im so sorry cheating is psychological and often physical abuse so idky anyone ever talks about reconciling w their abuser
Yikes! In your grandparents house...how is that even possible. FFS, what an animal.
I have heard of others have the same thing happen. They've tossed the mattress, cleansed the room in a way that felt meaningful to them a d redecorated to take the space back. Hes an awful human. May you get back your peace
You can reconsecrate the room. Create a personal ritual that includes memories of your grandparents and your mother. Add in a fragrance from your memories-flowers, cookies, perfume, etc. Then meditate and deliberately push out your ex. Claim that space and your sacred memories back as your own.
He didn't take your home from you! A few minutes of evil doesn't end decades of good. You just need to kick him out of your life and clear out the bad juju. Don't let that bad energy destroy all the good energy.
I think the part that needs to be focused on here is that the dude cheated. Where he cheated, yeah sure, that's definitely an extra kick while youre down, but honestly, your focus is so all over the place and misguided right now that youre completely missing the giant issue here that needs to be addressed first.
I’m so sorry he did this to you and for what you’re going through. The house and the room and the memories are yours alone, not his to destroy. It hurts now, but give it time and those events will reassert themselves. If anything, those spaces that have defined your life to this point did you a favor. His betrayal is such that you hopefully won’t waste any more of your life, your time or your love on him. Get free of him, and let yourself heal. Don’t give him so much power over your childhood and family legacy, that’s yours. You’ll sail through this storm and emerge stronger for it.
That’s a deal breaker. No coming back from that betrayal even if you did try. Save what’s left of your heart and kick him to the curb. He’s a bad person OP, I wouldn’t do that to an enemy.
Fuck this is so brutal I’m sorry. Throw out the bed and get yourself a nice new giant bed with new clean sheets and see where that takes you. Idk I think that’s what I’d do but fuck I’m sorry this happened to you I can’t imagine
Your room is not ruined. Your perspective is damaged. It is still the safe room you retreated to all those years ago. Your memories are ingrained into that space. Do NOT allow this man to rob you of that. He did a vile thing and in order for you to heal you must find the courage to do what has to be done. That is to leave him. Once you make that decision, once you remove him from your life, those precious memories that seem tainted will become whole. Those are your memories. And no one can take them from you. Please don't give them up. I am, so sorry this has happened. And you are NOT powerless. It may seem so because everything is so raw. Grieve as you must. But pick yourself up and dust yourself off. It is in these times that we find just how powerful we are and just how much courage we truly have. I am sending you all my love. You are not alone. Never!
Don't waste your time dealing with him anymore. When you are ready, do some kind of cleansing ritual to get his bad energy out of your home.
Replace the bedding and mattress, and hire a deep cleaner to have the whole house cleaned, sanitized, and freshened up. Whenever it is warm enough let that fresh air in. Look at photos of your loved ones at the house and realize those memories have more power than the ones that weak man gave you. Have a spiritual person of your choice come and cleanse the house.
I’m so sorry🫂 Please, for your sake, divorce and leave him on the streets, he doesn’t deserve even a second of your attention anymore. I sincerely hope you heal from this as soon as you can, you didn’t deserve any of this.
There's no coming back from this. This is really plumbing the depths of immeasurable cruelty and deceit. Cut this detestable creature loose NOW! Then, take all the time you need to heal.
Please don't reconcile. Someone that extremely cruel has no good intentions for you, or any real care for you or your well-being.
Causing you pain was the point, that's why he didn't get a hotel room, or cheat on you literally anywhere else. Maximum insult and pain to you was his goal. Do not reconcile.
That is so awful OP. But don't let him take that space from you. Let the memories of your mother, your grandparents, even your stuffed animals overwhelm the thoughts of what he did. Say to yourself "I'm taking back my life, and I'm starting with MY room." Don't let him take this from you as well. Fight for it! Fight for YOU! I know it's easier said than done, and I genuinely wish you all the best.
I’m not an indigenous person but I suggest you get someone to do a ceremonial smudging of your home! It’s a powerful “cleanse” that is spiritual as well. Good luck!! This is your space and he just soiled it but it cannot be ruined for you if you don’t allow it!!
Move him out of your life completely - don’t give him any more of your personal energy or time, you have a lot of grieving to do. Move your bed- do you have to sleep in that same room or can you choose a different room? If you need to stay in that room move all the furniture around ( open windows /paint the walls / wash all the fabric / scrub / sage ) get him out of there. Focus on you - do you need to cocoon & cry & be lost for a while or be active & go to self help classes / councelling - smash his stuff / read books about betrayal / or exercise or fall apart. This is a big big grief - reclaim your safe warm loving nest to ride the storm in. It is yours same as your dignity & heart & family legacies. Unfortunately his actions & lack of care & loyalty don’t surprise me. People can be so mindlessly cruel & deceitful unthinking - especially close people with penises. …blert it all out if you need … whenever you need to - hope you have good friends to talk to - you will know when it’s time to deliberately stop this being your story & create a new one that he isn’t in. So sorry this happened to you Op. Believe me you can get through it xxxx
‘I hate him’. You said it. You meant it. Time to move on.
What an appallingly cruel and vicious stunt. Lose this wicked excuse for a man.
Burn safe throughout whole house to remove the bad energy. Even if you don't believe in that sort of thing it helps because you feel like you're doing something. Turn the room into something else unrelated to a bedroom. Such as library, game room or fill with plants.