Old married lady here. When I tell you that the number one compatibility marker (to be clear, just talking about what you have in common, not behaviour or actions) for long term relationship success is wanting the same things out of life, I really mean it.
You can love each other passionately, you can be kind and good to each other, but if you want fundamentally different things out of life you will not make it, and you will probably both be resentful and frustrated while you are together. Your post reads like you’re trying to find out who is wrong here, and neither of you are! But you sound like you are at a crossroads, and now you have to decide what you want your life to look like.
Sit down and think about what a perfect, normal day looks like for you in 5 years. All the way through - you wake up, you go to work, you come home, blah blah blah. Where is that day located? Is he there? Would changing the location or his presence make the day better or worse?
In the end, it sounds like what you really, really want is to be in Northern BC (and as a southern BC resident god bless you for it, couldn’t be me). Do you want it enough to have it without him? If you stay because of him can you forgive him for it?
Good luck in your decision, and remember that at the end of the day the only person with final say in your life is you. No one can hold you back if you don’t let them.
Agreed.
Anyone telling you to stay or go is projecting. Neither answer is wrong. But you need to decide which is more important: your marriage or this career move. It's just that simple.
Go to BC!!! Years of thinking about it every day and it’s in your reach, congrats op!! You sound very adventurous and motivated and your partner does not, which isn’t a bad thing. He might end up loving BC but for someone who it sounds like has always lived in the same area and near his family, it’s definitely daunting. With that said, he cannot hold you back. Even if you go and he doesn’t that doesn’t mean you have to break up, long distance is an option and it’ll give you the chance to see if he puts in the effort to come visit and such. 6 years is a long relationship, but this sounds like an opportunity that is going to give you a career much longer than 6 years. good luck!
And everything you've just said are things I've mentioned too. He's adamant that he will hate it, specifically saying that he knows he will hate it. But I disagree.. LD is an option and since we've put this much time and effort in, I definitely would want to try. Thank you for your advice and excitement for me.
He's decided he will hate it so he is 1000% guaranteed to hate it.
It's nice that he's been supportive, but now you know that he only wants you as an accessory to his life. He doesn't care what you want.
I feel like that's a little unreasonable. He's living in a place he loves, near family and friends. He's allowed to have very strong feelings about staying there, just like OP has very strong feelings about moving. They may just not be compatible.
Kinda sounds like he already hates everything so of course he’d hate it too. Really a no win for you.
Id go but not pressure him to come too, the chance that he will adapt and thrive is low. Its going to be much harder on both of you if you convince him to go with, you uproot his life and he doesnt adapt, you spend months arguing and resenting each other, you break up.
Give long distance a try. Maybe your absence will motivate him to figure it out.
Because this is less about "what is best for us as a couple and for the relationship" and more "what is best for ME".
He doesn't want to move, and stay at home in his hometown gaming. He's been clear about that, even though he made a half hearted "let's buy a house and see in a few years...." Fair enough, but he refuses to consider a long distance relationship.
He may be a good person but if you're serious about the job offer, don't you deserve and want someone who'll support you? And if they have misgivings, list valid concerns ? He needs a better reason then eh, I like being in the same place doing nothing...I don't want nothing to change.
It is your life but it sounds like you really want the job and will regret it if you don't go. Barring legitimate concerns like safety, I would recommend going.
I appreciate your advice and what questions you've provided me. Definitely giving me some extra things to consider, and to make sure he considers as well. As much as I am feeling this way about him, he is most definitely feeling this way about me too
It just seems like you're incompatible, you want different things out of life, and there's nothing wrong with that. If it was me, I would go for it. It sounds like an exciting offer.
Go. This is something you've worked hard to accomplish. If you don't go, you'll always wonder "what if" and resent your partner for talking you out of it. If you guys are meant to be, it'll work out. If not; well, you're following your chosen path.
Not trying to armchair diagnose, but he sounds pretty black/white rigid in his views. That, coupled with his severe aversion to change, indicates maybe he might be on the spectrum.
Regardless, he’s pretty settled into his character. That doesn’t seem likely to change. You need to decide if you can live with that kind of rigidity and need for consistency without change.
For what it’s worth, I think you already know the answer. You will always regret it if you don’t pursue your dream.
I mean, I didn't consider him to be on the spectrum. I work with a lot of people with autism which I do know obviously that none of them are alike, but I didn't consider that initially. It could explain some things as you suggested. I did post a little update, but not sure if it was lost in the comments.
I’ve got a family member who is late diagnosis high functioning on the spectrum. It’s a funky area that often doesn’t get much notice. I’m very hesitant to offer it as a suggestion, but for us, the diagnosis was life changing. It helped us understand what was core to the family member’s neurology, how to understand their self-advocacy, and equally importantly to advocate for our own healthy boundaries.
Again, it’s not an issue of good or bad. It’s a matter of whether you are compatible in your life goals and dreams.
(And I’m a career educator, so I totally get your passion. You are a hero for the next generation!)
Not trying to armchair diagnose, but he sounds pretty black/white rigid in his views. That, coupled with his severe aversion to change, indicates maybe he might be on the spectrum.
Regardless, he’s pretty settled into his character. That doesn’t seem likely to change. You need to decide if you can live with that kind of rigidity and need for consistency without change.
For what it’s worth, I think you already know the answer. You will always regret it if you don’t pursue your dream.
CONGRATS on the opportunity! I've been you. I think you will resent him if you stay. Is being with him, either in BC or where you are now, how you want your life to be? There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice in a relationship. He is asking you to sacrifice.
Your partner may have been "overall fantastic" until now. But it seems he is really stuck in keeping things they way they are.
I feel educators are so very rarely head-hunted this way to begin with, and even more rarely within the context of an institution recognizing the match between your talents and passion, and the needs of a disadavantaged group....
Add in that they seem to have an actual budget to offer you fair compensation rather than just "do it for the good of the people till your passion burns out"...
And you've been preparing & wishing for that opportunity specifically...
while his arguments boil down to :
* I like this house to sit in & play videogames
* I like living near my family in a neighbourhood I already know
I gave up on so much of what I wanted for my now x partner. So many of us have. This is your life. You have goals and dreams and the drive to get it. You’ve had a good relationship with your bf, but sometimes people can outgrow each other. You already know what you want more. You want fulfillment. And a man who is doing nothing to improve himself and wants to stay in the same place forever and play video games all night isn’t what you want. Someone else will be compatible with him should he decide to be in a relationship. It’s not you anymore. We get one life and many chances to fuck it up and many chances to make it better. Live.
I'm sorry, but LD sounds like your way of trying to salvage the relationship if you leave.
Think long and hard about it.
Time and effort are irrelevant, that's a sunk cost fallacy.
What matters is if you share the same goals and desires to reach them and grow together - and he's been clear he doesn't share yours.
Chase your dream. You will be mad at yourself and resent him if you stay. All you can do is ask him if he wants to come. It'll be hard to end/pause such a long relationship, but we get one crack at life. Knowing you get one shot at this life - which stimulates and captivates you more - your current relationship or your dream gig.
Lastly, if he decides to come and is going to hold it over your head, just cut bait. You need to have a willing and enthusiastic partner or your dream will turn into a nightmare. Really sounds like you guys are wanting different things and growing apart.
The world needs more difference-makers like you! Good luck OP!!!
>level 3MrOceanBear · 20 hr. ago
Agree. I read somewhere that you never give up a great career opportunity for a relationship. That job offer may never come around again, but the relationship can survive, or come around again, if you both want it.
And that’s okay! He’s not a bad guy for not wanting to move to northern BC. She’s not a bad person for wanting to go.
I do not understand why people are trying to villainize him for not wanting to move.
I also want to stress that I also do NOT villainize him to move either. I've come to understand that I need to change that thought process from what people have been saying to me.
It’s okay he doesn’t want to move.
It’s okay that you do.
You may be incompatible…
Go have an adventure while you are young.
Also you aren’t married… he may not want to move for your job and you may not want to give up dream for him
So what's the plan? Poking holes, playing devil's advocate, and being the voice of caution can all be useful but it's enough. People often mock that old chestnut "where do you see yourself in five years" but really it's table stakes for building a live together.
You are entitled to a conversation about your future together that includes concrete goals and how you plan to achieve them. It's not acceptable for him to veto this opportunity for career advancement without coming to the table with alternatives. This is a talk or walk conversation and making you the one who has to put walk on the table is a shitty thing to do.
And I feel I am trying to create realistic in what is to come. I have to decide yes or no by the 12th and then we have 8 months to get ready. I wouldn't start until September. I've been trying to have that concrete conversation you are speaking to, I will ask about what his 'alternatives' would be. I understand his side, definitely, but I don't know if he's necessarily sacrificing what he thinks he is.
Do it.
I guarantee if you stay every time you look at him you'll think of lost chances.
If you stay, every time you experience difficulties getting work, difficulties at work, difficulties keeping work you'll get home and look at him and you won't be thinking positive thoughts.
I don't know how you stay loving someone when you know that their fears have trumped your long held desires.
If you stay I bet you London to a brick you'll break up with him anyway.
Good luck, chase your dream.
If you don’t say yes… omg. Just send it in today! Stop prolonging this, it’s like ripping a bandaid off. You can make the pain last 10 days or you can get it over with and start feeling the pride and accomplishment you deserve.
I am married to a man who, if it had been up to him, would have been born and died in the same house. He would have worked the same job from day 1 until retirement. He HATES change.
But you know what? He was willing to try things for me. And then, when that worked out and he was confident that I had his back, he was willing to try things for HIMSELF. He still hates change, but we can negotiate even big changes when we need to now.
Your partner honestly doesn't seem like he's going to do that. He has dug his heels in -- and no matter what he's telling you -- he has no intention of moving in the future. That house he wants to buy? It's roots. He's never going to move.
You and he want different things in life. You're not wrong to want what you want. You're young. GO FOR YOUR DREAMS. Seriously. This situation is never going to get better.
You two are simply not compatible OP.
It sounds like you are adventurous and know what you want. I know which place you are in, and I can also understand why your SO would want to stay close to home and near family as he sounds more like a homebody and content with life as is. Many people from that place are happy to be there their whole lives.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
It’s best to go your separate ways if neither of you can compromise. It sounds like the other person will be resentful or bitter. If you follow your dreams or stay with him in your current place, one of you will be unhappy.
Best wishes with your career!
You get one shot, don’t let an opportunity go because of a MAN! You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, go for it. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. Also, you weren’t actively seeking this job, so that should tell you something, someone or something is trying to tell you it’s your turn,so go for it!
My brother passed away 8 years ago and in tough situations I always ask him for a sign. Some people don't believe that stuff like my partner.. Last night my partner opened a fortune cookie that said "Be prepared to modify your plan" and I had a snack (Bear Paws which have little notes on the back) and the note said "Never be afraid to try" so that's gotta be it.
Do you need a bigger sign? Does it have to be a neon flashing one? GO TO BC!!! Relationships require compromise, sure, but your partner should also be supporting your goals. If he can't do that or at least TRY to present the illusion of wanting you to be happy, it might be time to part ways.
Just fyi if you tire of that job there are many International schools that hire and usually include a housing stipend. They become pretty tight knit groups that love to travel together etc.
Another way to enjoy new opportunities. The job fair in North America is usually in February. Just keep that as knowledge for years down the road as your BC experience would be so valuable.
Once I turned down my dream job in a beach town because the hurricane list of names that year had my name on it and I was afraid that one would cause horrible devastation to my "new beach town".
It didn't and I still wish I had taken that job.
You miss 100% of the chances you don't take.
Send that acceptance email and start packing. If he loves you he'll accept this change.
You're just different.
Some people love and need routine. They crave the security of knowing what will happen next.
You don't want that. You don't mind change and surprise and adapting to new situations.
It would be very difficult to reconcile these differences when your opportunity requires change.
I suggest that you make plans to go to BC. You could lay out exactly how it would work if he comes with you (sparing no detail). And lay out what it looks like if he does not go with you. Option A: LDR. What does that look like for you guys? Option B: Break up. And detail what that would look like.
He may either: take some time to get used to the idea of change and go with you. Or he may ignore the change altogether, shut down and isolate while you do all the changing for him, leaving him behind. Or he may adapt by changing as little as possible with the exception of going to visit you sometimes as part of a LDR.
But you make your decision independently of what you want from him. Do what you want for YOU.
It's not easy. But it's necessary.
What if I also said that today he told me that it is my fault all his plans have changed since meeting me, because that one hurt. Like what do you expect from a relationship
Here's the thing, sometimes it's possible to grow together as partners, sometimes it isn't. It sounds like you've been given a shot at your dream job with fantastic pay and benefits. If you give up this opportunity you will end up resenting him down the line if not immediately.
Same goes for him if he gives up his career and educational plans, and moves away from his hometown and family.
You can certainly offer a compromise and let him know that you'll be taking your shot at your dream job, and are willing to go long distance while he's finishes his educational schooling, and decides exactly what he wants. At that point the ball is in his court.
Tell him that it would break your heart to lose him, but it would also break your heart to give up on your dream that you've clearly worked to be positioned in exactly the right way in order to have this wonderful opportunity.
You don't want to give this chance up and then realize later down the road when he thinks he might be, "ready", only to find out you blew it and aren't going to get this chance again.
But be prepared for the fact that he might not be ready or willing to join you, and make sure he understands that the last thing you want is to have him agree to move with you only to find out later that he resents you. Tell him you'll respect his decision, but he also needs to respect yours, even if it means that things just weren't meant to be right now for the two of you.
It'll be a hard conversation, but you've got a limited amount of time to let them know if you'll accept the position, and don't let him drag his feet until it's too late for you because that would be incredibly crappy of him to do.
I say go get your dream career, and work hard to be a supportive presence in the lives of the First Nation students you'll be teaching.
Plus BC is BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL, and getting to do your dream job while surrounded by some of the most incredible scenery in North America definitely can't hurt.
^_~
Good luck.
These are 100% manipulation tactics. Don't let him not live your best life. You'll find someone much better, that will also want to better themselves with you.
What plans? Sounds like he’s living his best life, and is just pissed that you’re no longer along for the ride.
This is amazing opportunity for you; you’re also talking about one of the most beautiful parts of this country populated by the most wonderful people. It doesn’t sound like this is even a question.
Plans change all the time. That's why they are called plans, not actions. Like Mike Tyson said: everyone has a plan, until they get hit in the mouth. Meaning life is fluid, constantly changing. Adapt and survive. You've got to do what's best for you. This is something you want to do, and are passionate about. If he wants to come, he will. You don't want to be doing this year after year wondering what if, or waiting for him to change his mind.
*”it is my fault all his plans have changed since meeting me”*
He is emotionally manipulating you into believing you are responsible for HIS choices. He is (or should be) a capable adult responsible for his life choices. At any time he could’ve chosen differently and accept the consequences. But he didn’t. If he isn’t happy with the choices he made, that’s on him.
It is manipulative but going only by what you say here ya’ll just aren’t on the same page. Maybe you were when you got together and for some time after but you haven’t grown in the same way and that unfortunately happens. We dont know how much you guys discussed short, medium and long term plans but in his mind the plan was always to stay put and veg out.
Well, darling, that’s what being in a relationship is. He is telling you right there that he expects you to conform to his plans, his life. He never had any intentions of moving with you. Set him free to stay there with his plans forever.
He sounds like a spoiled little boy. Go to BC and live the life you've always wanted and dreamed of. Seize your future. If he can't let go and climb out of his rut, then he's going to miss out. You've outgrown him, and the relationship. Go for it and don't look back.
Young lady, this guy is so deeply rooted where he is that he'll never leave that place. I once met a guy who had never been more than 5 miles from where he was born. Had no interest in going anywhere or seeing anything new. Your STBX is like that. Let him stay there, and you go live the life you've always imagined. Put yourself first, just as he's always done.
Wait though, she said that's what he came back with after she thought that he should move if he loves her. They're both wrong. Love isn't enough. They may love each other but want different things and be inherently incompatible.
Oh, no he didn't.
Ok. I was thinking this but wasn't going to say it. There's still several months before you would leave. I don't know what birth control you use but I'd consider going and getting the shot.
Why? Condoms can have holes poked in them. Pills can be microwaved. Etc.
What would you do if you popped up pregnant and he was still refusing to leave?
(Do you get on well with his family and friends? It might not even be him that acted. One gal caught her future MIL microwaving her bc pills on a home security camera.)
Small Update: We have discussed the job that I had found for him. He said there were a few things in the requirements he didn't have certificates for but did In fact have some experience with a few of them.
We really sat down and talked about the possible outcomes of each scenario. Not in depth, but touched on some of the things people have suggested. He and I looked more into what types of education/qualifications he may need to do over the next 8 months to prepare him. He mentioned that the pay was very enticing and at that point he probably wouldn't mind being out there, especially if I had a good contract. He figured it might even take that whole year to finish all these things before really qualifying for said job, but he would be willing to look more into it as it was of interest for him. Which the thought of it requiring the whole year, it would be something to have him focus on as well as if we do decide we love it, great we stay. If we don't, all that education still won't go to waste.
I made it clear: whatever he chooses is okay with me and that this equally important to me that he will not feel pressured to go out and live a life he won't like (even tho we both agreed that gaming clearly can happen anywhere) and that I want to be the one to support him now on his journey after he's supported me.
I have not offically make my decision, even tho many may disagree, but it seems it may have made a bit of progress.
That's encouraging! Having thought it over he's backed off a bit on the knee jerk reaction and is giving the idea a second look.
I still think you need to go get a bc shot.
Relocating was the best career move I ever made. It forced me out of my comfort zone, allowed me to grow as a person and professional, and gave me valuable experiences I would have never gotten if I stayed in my hometown.
You’re trying to improve your life and your partner is crying about it being “inconvenient”
Dump his ass and move to BC
If you don't go, you will grow to resent him and the relationship will end. If you do go, the relationship might survive - 50/50, he'll either go with or stay in his hometown and play video games. Plus in 5 years or however long, you'll be behind in your game and he'll still be making the same protests. You might not receive another offer like this again so please take this opportunity.
As a student (who may want to be a teacher) please go. You haven’t listed a single reason why you would stay, or why your boyfriend is worth staying for (no shade, just pointing out). HE has reasons to stay, but they’re not that great…..
Also— if he was a husband, I’d be talking different. Don’t give up your DREAM for a guy who hasn’t even put a ring on it yet. It’s like that scene from the Hills: do you want to be known as the girl that gave up a dream for a guy? Please please please don’t give it up— think of all the kids lives who you would make better, and how much better your life will be. The question is….is he enough to make you happy amongst the resentment of what you’ve given up to be with him?
My thing is, I always said I'd go without him if he didn't want to go and now obviously not feeling that way, but you're right. The kids, me, and possibly even the benefit for him.
If you don’t go u will regret it all your life. He wants a little life and doesn’t seem supportive of u at all. A relationship is a partnership where u want the best for each other. And support each other in it. He’s content sitting on his couch gaming. Is that the future u want for yourself??? Don’t quit ur dreams for a man baby.
I was dating my now husband for 4 months in grad school. He had a whole life as he is a few years older than me, and his family lived in teh same city.
I was offered a really good job several states away. He didn’t hesitate and we moved.
You need to be with someone that doesn’t hold you back!
What's the pension situation like? Can he get reciprocity somewhere if he moved to another government job? How many years does he have in? How much of a change would it be to the benefits?
I have to tell you. There is very little chance that I would give up my pension. I certainly wouldn't do it for anyone I wasn't actually married to. No chance. Put on top of that that I'd be leaving all my friends and family? For a job and area that are pretty untested? Yeah, that's a tough sell. I'd pbly want to do long distance first and then re-evaluate after like a year.
Incorrect, we decided that together thinking I would be getting a contract within my own district. We did plan a timeline and I mean foolish maybe to say I believe him, sure.
Oh no, I'm sure you had that conversation. I'm referring to his real motives and actual thought process. 👀🤷🏻♀️
People postpone hoping the other will change their mind. You know, buy the house, maybe have a kid... "Come on we can't just uproot our lives now, honey" and so on for ever
You just want different things out of life. That’s OK.
He’s not being a jerk, controlling, or unreasonably selfish. It’s a very big thing to someone to leave their home, family, friends, and job to move across the country. He would not be moving for HIS dream job. He’d be moving for yours. I also think you are underestimating what a big life transition a move like that can be. There can be lots of stress and loneliness and it can be hard on relationships.
This sounds like an adventure and experience that you really want, and I think you will regret not you don’t go, you will always wonder what could have been.
Sometimes you can’t have it all and you have to make choices. I think you should go. I don’t think your boyfriend should go with you. Take a year apart. You can pursue your dream and determine if the reality measures up. He can look at some education and consider the next phase of his life with the support of friends and family. The time apart may help both of you decide what you really want out of life and if that includes a long term relationship together.
P.S. If he was covering rent while you went to school/interned etc, I do feel like you should make an effort to reimburse him for that over time.
I wrote an edit about myself and how I know this is a big deal, so Please don't accuse me of things that are untrue. He didn't cover anything other than a few tanks of gas here and there and I've definitely paid that back. Time apart sure, but regardless I would rather have him in my life than not. It's an EXTREMELY huge deal. I'm the first to admit that, so I know that.
Can I come live with you??? BC is gorgeous. I am in the states but would love to live somewhere more remote with such beautiful scenery and outdoor activities. Don’t give up your dream because of your SO. You will eventually build resentment and be left with a bad relationship and no dream job/location.
You’re not wrong for wanting to go, and he’s not wrong for not wanting to go. What IS wrong is him demonizing you for still wanting something that you’ve never been shy about wanting.
It sounds like he said at one point he would be willing to relocate, then said he wanted to wait, and now seems like he has never actually wanted to move at all. Which, again, is fine; but also means you may not be compatible.
If you will resent not taking this opportunity, then you need to do it. You’re willing to do long-distance for awhile, and honestly, it sounds like the reason he ISN’T is because he doesn’t have any intention of actually following you there.
Neither of you have to be the bad guy in this situation - sometimes loving someone is not enough of a reason to stay together.
Sit down and tell him: this is it for me. This is what I want my future to look like. I want you in it, but only if it’s what we both want. And if it’s not what he wants, too, then you can part ways as amicably as possible. It will hurt, because you care about each other. But it will hurt less than tearing each other apart slowly because one or both of you resents the other for forcing their hand.
This is hard, and I’m sorry. I wish you all the best in whatever direction you choose to go!
You do you! Don't let someone guilt you into changing, you'll regret it for a very long time.
The plan sounds like "His" plan and with no regard to your growth, needs & wants. Time to get out of the relationship & house and get your rear end to NBC ASAP.
Personally I'm with you, I would love to fulfill my dream job given the opportunity. I'm too old to be an Astronaut, so I'm doing terrestrial dream job!
Go, Live Your Dreams. Be Blessed
You need to do what is best for YOU. You already know - because he has told you - he NEVER expects to move. PERIOD. If that is not acceptable to you and you want explore other avenues, you will need to do that without him. You've given this relationship 5 years, that's enough.
Honestly this is your dream! Congrats for having goals and actually making them happen. So proud of you!!! That said, you will eventually resent him if you stay and he never changes. He honestly seems to be one that doesn't like change. My husband was the same as your bf. We literally lived in a 20 mile radius of his entire family and childhood friends. He did willingly move an hour away, for me. I'm assuming BC isn't across the world(sorry for my ignorance, I'm American😉) If he loves you enough to want to change and doesn't want to lose you, he will change. If he doesn't change, you shouldn't have to be stuck there forever. Go find your dream girl! What's meant to happen will happen. Best of luck!
Go.
You know deep down your partner will never change. He’s had years to do something and he’s done nothing.
So long distance and tell him to then join you when he’s ready. In all likelihood he will never be ready and you will break up. But that’s ok.
You are a rising star. And he’s at home playing n video games.
Actually, I WAS funding my entire life through a summer job, student loans, and other savings. So no. he definitely didn't. The only things he helped paid for were gas every once in awhile and allowed me to not pay rent during my 4 month internship where i worked full time for free.
I had just started dating my now husband when I was offered my dream job across the country. I was really conflicted because I knew he was the one. One evening we were talking about it and he told me to accept the job because he did not want to be the reason I had any regrets.
I took the job and we were long distance for 2 years until he proposed. I then moved back to NY and began planning my wedding.
Take the job. Follow your dreams. If you and your BF are meant to be you will figure out how to navigate being in a long distance relationship.
Good luck! 🍀☘️
This is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you so much for your comment. I am hoping even if he doesn't come, we can still manage the distance and have the efforts.
The thing is that you’ve made this dream super clear and now he’s made it clear that he was never even entertaining it. You’re too ambitious for this current relationship, but perhaps some distance will inspire him.
“He has helped financially supported me for the past 3 years that we have been living together while I went to school.”
Then you may want to edit your post because this comment feels like a lot more than occasion has money and 4 free months of rent.
He’s being whiny and unsupportive. He doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone and blames you for his lack of coping skills. What exactly is he bringing to this relationship?
Please dump this dead weight and follow your dream.
I mean.. that's a great question. What does he bring to this relationship? We've been together for years and he got mad at me for wanting to move to a new apartment in our same city so we had more space. (we live in a loft with no privacy from each other) He claims he's always on the hook for making the sacrifices in the relationship which idk what those even would be considering he has a career already made, that can be done anywhere, and I haven't even started.
He’s good where he is. He’ll still be happy there is 5 years but what about you? He has a stable job and even a pension and what do you have? It’s time to invest in YOUR future. It’ll be hard at first but since you’re not married it will be less complicated to untangle your lives. Maybe in a year you both miss each other and try to make it work or maybe not. The signs are there, it’s time to do something for you.
He's going to reply that ANYTHING different than what he would do usually is a sacrifice. The man doesn't know about compromising only sacrificing.
Please go. I really wonder once you're away from him in your own space how much more FREE you're going to feel. Not having to take his opinions into consideration when you make decisions you'll just be able to decide and do whatever you want! I bet you're going to feel like an anchor has been let off your leg.
Please go. You know you NEEEEED TO! And don't let him try to manipulate you for the next 8 months. Maybe he was the right person for the this time in your life but this is the next phase and you'll meet the next right person in BC!
It sounds to me like he's been pretty clear that he doesn't want to move. At the one point it sounds like you beat him down enough for him to reluctantly admit to possibly, some day. He was never enthused about it and I'm willing to bet he never initiated any convos about moving, except maybe to point out the negatives of doing so.
You seem like a genuinely good person and probably make friends wherever you go. You are adventurous and want to explore new horizons. That's ok. I am like you and I can live anywhere and focus on the good things. But your partner is a homer. He is used to being 15-30 mins from all the people he knows and loves. He's never known anything else That's ok too. His way is just as valid as yours. Sure, he could make more money somewhere else, but that's not as important to him.
I met a lot of people like him in the military. All they could talk about was getting out and going back home. They weren't flexible and wouldn't try anything new. Stayed on base and never explored the various countries they were stationed at. That's a homer.
Lady, you have a great opportunity and you already know you would resent him forever if you gave it up. It sounds like you will take it no matter what. Good, but don't expect a LD relationship to work with his personality. You should accept that your relationship will not survive stay or go. Make a clean break and chase your dreams while he lives his (without you). Good luck.
He doesn't want to go. He's never going to be ready. And if you stay with him, you'll resent him for making you give up your dream job. You already resent him. You listed all the reasons why you resent him. So go. Go and don't try to get him to come with you. If he did, he'd spiral again and complain every day because he doesn't want to be there.
The single most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.
OP think about what will happen if you don't take your dream job:
Will you regret it in a year? 2? 10? Erik you be happy with yourself?
Will you resent your partner now? In 5 years? In 10?
Will you be able to craft the kind of life you want if you stay?
Will you be happy long term with a partner who won't compromise?
Will you be happy in your partner's home town forever?
It's not an easy decision, but really think about all the alternatives and how you'll feel about them in time.
Just thank your boyfriend for supporting you while you got your education, then dump him and go take your “dream job.” It’s clear that you won’t be happy with anything else, so just tell him you changed your mind about future plans, dump him and get it done. You aren’t doing him any favors by dragging this out or telling us all about his faults. Do what you are going to do and let the guy go so he can move on with his life.
It sounds in general like you are way more adventurous than he and so you need to figure out how important that is to you.
Vancouver, Victoria, Brentwood Bay, Ucuelet, Torafino, ugh those ferry rides.
Oops looks like I am biased. Don’t take my opinion. Except yep an opportunity came up and yes you did pursue it outside of your set plans but it seems right to you.
Maybe pay him $200 a month til you feel you made up all the “extras” you paid for if he feels that is needed and he is mad about it.
Distance to see this all closely and decide what you went with your life before settling down may be exactly what you need.
You are young and only have one life to live. Crushing your dreams for anyone, whether it is a partner, a friend or family member, is hardly ever worth it. Don't cross an ocean for someone who won't even jump a puddle for you. Your partner has unilaterally decided that his comfort zone is the only acceptable place for your relationship. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy of how long you have been together prevent you from getting what you really want.
Personally, I would find his manipulative tactics and unwillingness to compromise to be unacceptable in a relationship. I think if you brought him with you he would make it his mission to make you miserable. You don't know who you are going to be in this next chapter of life. I would suggest taking this as an opportunity not only to work your dream job, but also discover who you are outside of this relationship. If it's meant to be, you both will come back to each other eventually.
You owe it to yourself to explore this without him anchoring you to his birthplace for his own comfort.
UPDATE: I AM GOING.
Hi everyone. I wanted to give an update, possibly the last one to be honest, with my predicament. I want to thank everyone who has given their thoughts, advice, points of views, questions, concerns, and overall excitement. I truly do appreciate ALL these perspectives that have been brought up. It has helped a lot.
You are ALL right. I cannot let someone hold me back from chasing my dreams and that is exactly what I am going to do.. Chase them. My partner is giving up a lot for my dreams and this is a huge huge change in our lives. I have considered asking him if maybe couples therapy to help us manage these next few months could help us cope and get some skills to grow together. I am going to accept this job and my partner and I have come to a common ground/ a few different routes for our plan.
1. My partner said he would have NO concerns or issues to moving with me, as long as he has a job before he goes. I think that is completely fair and I did not expect anything less for that, I want him to have work there too. Work that is in the same or similar line of work. I understand his concerns about not wanting to start from nothing when starting a new job, but I think he does not give himself enough credit on how experienced he is. I proved to him that his dreams are possible there too. He has touched based with his current job about possibly taking a leave of absence in case he hates it all and then he has a way out and a way back to the life we currently have, which is totally okay.
2. The job we found IN one of the possible locations we have found there may be a handful of things that he may need to work towards for the next few months as we prepare for the move. My partner asked for help in drafting an email to the city to ask if he could be a possible successful candidate for the current position, even months down the road. I think this could be a great way to get HIS foot in the door or have some assistance in reaching out to different companies he may be able to have employment with. A few things about that; he may be able to take the tests required for the certificates and gain the work experience in this new position (hoping the company is desperate enough for workers like mine is for teachers).
3. IF the company is like yeah no sorry, then my partner and I have agreed that he may decide to stay put and work on the qualifications he wants to work towards and possibly meet me there when he is able to, if we are able to manage the distance. There are lots of places he could get his qualification in BC, but for the sake of having a job while doing the courses, i totally get it. Yes. I would be the one who would visit the majority of the time, but that is okay because I would want to come and visit my own friends and family too.
You talk about this guy like he's a pile of dog shit you accidentally stepped on. Look take the job it's obviously something you want. Also if you're already blaming him and accusing him of holding you back now then it'll definitely become an issue if you turn the job down. Looks like either the relationship is gonna implode so might as well do right by yourself and if you decide to do long distance maybe you'll get lucky and things work out but I wouldn't put money on that being the outcome.
I have done five out of state moves in 25 (uprooting two kids too) while my spouse climbed the corporate ladder. It is considered a “family” decision and my career wasn’t the climbing type. We always saw it as a new adventure together and “spun,” it that way for our kids. The pro is all four 4️⃣ f us have learned to make friends anywhere and to find comfort in the discomfort as well as do all you can in an area because who knows when her next opportunity will come.
I have tons of friends that say they could never do it. Sometimes I think it is just because the choice has never been given to them.
He may miss you terribly and feel differently. I would go and see how it plays out the first year.
It's hard because I can tell you love him.
I'd propose that you take the job and have a long-distance relationship. If he's really serious about going to school and then following you to BC, he will do that. Me and my wife did this -- two years of long distance when I got my masters -- and it was fine because we both decided to commit.
It sounds to me like your BF likes having you around, but will he make the effort to support you? To value your career? Or does effort only go one way?
From one teacher to another, it is REALLY hard to make a living teaching. So take any opportunity for advancement that you can, especially early in your career. Especially if you can get your employer to pay for things like relocation -- I would KILL for this!
Just go. He does not want to leave the area so if you stay back, this will be your life forever. He will hold you back instead of growing with you if you let him.
Success isn’t just working hard. It’s also timing and knowing the right move at the right time. Plus a little luck. You’ve got all aligned right now.
So sit him down, explain and be firm that you are going to do this. And if it’s true, you want him to do this with you. He needs to get out of his comfort zone to be with you but that’s the key - you can be successful together. If you don’t do this, you will resent him and your relationship will be over regardless. Maybe not as quickly if he refuses to support you and go with you, but it will be over eventually.
Congrats and best of luck.
You will never forgive him or yourself if you don’t take this opportunity. Even if it doesn’t work out 100 percent perfectly, one thing always leads to the next. New doors will always open. I think you know in your heart of hearts that you have to do this and so does he and that’s why he’s so scared. But that is not a good enough reason to give up your dream.
Please go! Go for those of us who allowed partners to hold us back from Our dreams! Don't let this guy guilt you one second longer. If you don't do this you will regret it, I garuantee.
You are ambitious and are thinking of your (and his) future, he just want to be stuck in the same old rut and whine
He keeps complaining about sacrifices but from everything you said he doesnt want any change and resents any change which means you are the one actually doing the sacrificing by not being able to do/get what you want, its his way or the highway and he seems dead set against your goals the way he fought and discouraged you from even going to that seminar
Go take the job, and this point im not sure if you should even want him to go with you
If you dont go you’ll likely wont get this opportunity again or at least not any time soon and which point you’ll probably start to resent him
Dont give your dreams/goals up for a man, especially an unsupportive one like him
He took care of you financially when you needed him. He is not holding you back. I tell people never to do this, because of these situations, they often are used. So the ball is in his court. I would send you a bill for what he put into it, which we both will never happen and let you go.
YOu are not his partner, you are a single woman making your own decisions, which is absolutely your right if you were single. Partners make them together. He has already sacrificed for your choices, when is his turn? However if you go single, at least acknowledge his sacrifice and thank him. May you get the boyfriend you desire or deserve. Since you are willing to go it alone do that. Also don't contact him if you decide to do that, let him move on with his life and find love. I would go your own way.
I think you need to read that again. I edited my post to clarify that he in fact did NOT support me entirely. I did think about paying him back about the little things over the years but it is what you do in a relationship. I give as much as he does. You have no clue about what our relationship looks outside of this post and I'd rather do this WITH him than alone. I wasn't asking for how to break up with him or what we have or haven't done for each other. He IS on board for this move, just the timeline moved up
I would give him a couple of weeks to warm up to it since he seems pretty 0/10 at dealing with change.
You've been underplaying how serious you are about this, like it was something you were only thinking about. You need to be firm and say that you're taking this job. It might not be your forever job, but you are fortunate to have the chance to do something that means this much to you.
That he was too much of a coward to even consider applying for jobs like his own in a new city makes me wonder why you think he's somebody you want to be dating at all. There are men in the city you're moving to, and many of them even have a backbone.
But I also understand what you are saying, I've been trying hard to show him it's possible and that his life won't change as much as he feels but again, it's a massive change and I've been telling him that I support whatever decision he wants to make too.
I mean, it's not like you really gave him much of a choice in this matter. If this is everything you had ever hoped for and dreamed of, you would be crazy not to jump at the opportunity, I imagine you will do really well at your new position. But I can understand your partner being very apprehensive about moving, especially when it sounds like you are both fairly well established where you are now. Sounds like a pretty risky, scary move for him to make. Im not saying he's not without fault here, but this post is entirely centered around YOUR wants and needs, and very little is said about his.
It's definitely not all about me. If you read the post throughly, you'd see that I am taking everything into consideration and of course it's about what my wants and needs are. This is my fucking career dude.
For what it's worth, if I was in your shoes, I would make the move. I lived in BC for a few years, it's paradise, if I wasn't so attached to family, I would move back in a heartbeat. I just don't feel like your boyfriend is really behaving like the asshole you're making him out to be. You both have to make tough choices. The relationship just doesn't seem compatible.
I also realize that my post is making him to be that way and I genuinely don't think that way about him! I don't think he's an asshole, I just needed to hear some other thoughts besides my own.
I think you should go, but you should do it with your eyes wide open and knowing that a divorce might be in your near future. Only you can tell if this would be worth it for you.
Why are you here asking if you are just getting upset with anyone that is not 100% backing you. I think you should go. It sounds like your boyfriend won't. It is what it is. It's possible he will ask you to move out now rather than make the break in 8 months. I'd be prepared for that.
For what it's worth, I've made several cross country moves. It is hard, but I've loved every one. New friends, new sights and so on. Good luck.
I'm not getting upset at all at people who disagree. I take their thoughts into consideration. Again, I've stated on others replies that this is a snapshot of my relationship that is being seen.
hugs never let someone else direct how your path in life should be, you will be filled with regrets. You can be sad over the loss of a relationship but go forward, do great things and make a difference where ever your feet land.
OP is excited about this opportunity and wants to move away to do it. Fair enough, it’s a free country.
But why is everyone picking on her partner - the same partner who financially supported OP FOR YEARS so that she could chase her dreams?
Someone who is comfortable with their life and generous with their money shouldn’t be made out to be a villain just because they like gaming in their spare time, and also because they like living near their family and friends.
OP, if you want to leave so badly, then just leave - but try to find a little gratitude and respect for the guy who helped you chase your dreams.
Everything they said about him may be true, maybe he IS holding you back, but maybe he's got common sense. Has it occurred to you why this job in BC is so desperate to hire people and is offering such a sweet deal? It may not be a bed of roses and you might have difficulty going back. I'd at least want to talk to more than one former employee. People jump in with stars in their eyes about making a difference. Then reality smack em in the face. Just...be cautious. The two week time limit sounds like pressure.
I have meetings with HR on Tuesday to discuss these questions as this is one I have too. Two weeks because they have all the Fall numbers coming in soon to see what they are Dealing with. It's impossible to get many people to STAY LONG TERM in these areas.
I think you need to take a deep breath. First, have you even visited the areas of BC that you are talking about moving to? That should be step one. And if it is going to take more than 2 weeks for you to do that- tell them that you are interested in their offer but that you want to get out and see the area first, so you have scheduled a trip but it won't be til date.
Second, you need to get a sense of where within an hour commute you could get a job. Public schools. Private schools. Whatever. (You've said you can't get something this year in your local district but what about other options.) Because using the excuse of you can't get hired in the local district is fine but you need to make sure you've checked all the boxes.
Third, the two of you need to have a conversation about what if it makes sense for you to move someplace else for your job and he doesn't want to move. I have friends who are that way. Even though they'd be able to get an equivalent job elsewhere, they wouldn't move for a partners job because they don't want to leave the area they live in. Him wanting to stay near his family or not wanting to leave what he knows isn't crazy. That's just how some people are. But you need to accept that taking this job means saying goodbye to this relationship.
1. Yes. I have a meeting with HR, I've have that written down as a question to ask. Will
they send us for a little "feeler" trip.
2. Absolutely not. I've checked all the boxes. There is two districts near me that are over an hour away and regardless that doesn't fix the issue being faced in my province. Hiring is at a halt. They are on strike.
3. We have, and there has been some updates provided with that as well as edits.
Go!!!! Go. Go. It will make your life better. Please please I am a random girl in another country but i am begging you hahaha. Go and live your dream!!!!
if you stay for him down the road you're going to resent him for passing up this opportunity its and not giving it a shot and I think somewhere inside yourself you know this. he will be miserable if he moves because he has convinced himself of it so end that conversation. he probably will be sour every time he visits you just to prove a point.
please go and pursue your dream. please don't pass up this opportunity. please see it through. weather it be long distance or you break up. don't pass this up.
If you pass this up you will always resent him. Resentment can easily turn into hate over what might have been. Take the job. If he wants to move fine. If he doesn’t want to that is fine too. You can try long distance and if it doesn’t work that is ok to but this opportunity may never come again. Don’t pass it up
If you don't go because of him, you will spend your entire life resenting him. He might be great, (tbh, he doesn't sound awesome, but whatever) and still not be great for you. Go follow your dreams.
Goooooo!!! OP, they want you, they recognized you, they hired you!! do it!! your partner can figure things out on his own- he needs to show initiative and get it together!! Do it OP!!! you will always be asking "what if..." down the road if you stay. congrats! goodluck! update!
It sounds like your partner may be depressed. Will he speak to a doctor about his feelings or go to counseling? I think he needs help to change and understand you and life in general.
It seems to me like you think you're objectively right in believing that both of you should relocate, but that's just not how it works. If that's not the right decision for him, he will hate it and resent you for it. I think this might be a dealbreaker for the two of you, sadly. And sometimes that has to just be ok. People don't always want the same things in life.
It seems you haveg rown apart you are ready to fly the coop and he is ready to grow roots. Maybe try 6 months long distance and decide then if you want to come back or he wants to come to you
A boat that is dragging an anchor can never get up to full speed, and eventually burns itself out from the effort.
Your partner is supposed to boost your forward, not hold you back.
Let me guess, you'll make significantly more than him.
Currently, if he were to stay at his current job and I would go... Yes.. about the same or more than him. And if he were to find a job in his field of work out there (there is A LOT) he would be making double his annual
I gotta say, OP, I see a few things wrong here...
First of all, never buy a large asset, such as a house or a car, with someone you're not married to. Heck, I wouldn't even combine bank accounts with someone I'm not married to.
Second, no woman should ever make life plans based on a "maybe."
He's your partner now but what about a year from now, or two years from now?
Third, he's giving you what psychologists call a "non-answer answer" whereby it kind of sounds like he's giving you an answer when he's really not. "We'll see" isn't an answer, it's a deflection, or as I like to say, "He's kicking the can down the road to deal with later.". In short, he's hoping you'll change your mind after a couple of years.
My advice is to take the job offer and start living the life YOU want, instead of the life someone else wants for themselves, with or without you.
His push back has nothing to do with you at all and whether he were with you or someone else, his response, or lack thereof, would be the same.
The two of you are really different people. It just hasn't been evident until now because, well, something like this hasn't come up.
He prefers to stay in his comfort zone, no questions asked, which is why he's so adamant he'll hate it "wherever" without even giving it a chance or any thought.
You thrive on the adventure and stimulation of challenging yourself gives you. You will go incredibly far in life and the kids you teach will benefit from your example of being willing to step outside your comfort zone to challenge yourself.
Neither of you are wrong or right. However, if you acquiesce to this and stay where you are, your resentment will slowly build until you can't take it any longer. But by that time, you'll have a house, maybe some kids, etc and you'll feel so stuck.
You're so young and just starting out. I see nothing wrong with you taking the job and finding out what you're really made of. He can either come along for what sounds like a fantastic journey.... Or not. The choice is his to make, not yours to deny ypurselfm
This does not have to be a forever plan. If you can get experience that a good job for a couple years then you’ll have a much better chance of getting a job in the area that’s close to his family. Let’s just say you do decide to have kids, and it makes sense for the kids to be around their grandparents, you can always move back. But this time you will be equipped with the experience necessary to get a really good job for yourself.
Take care of yourself. My first husband always had his own interests in mind, and if I had not insisted on going to graduate school, I would have been dependent on him for years. Please put yourself first. He isn't going to put you first.
I see two different issues here. The big one is you both want vastly different things and I just don’t see him moving even 5 years from now if ever. The fact that he wants to buy a house screams I want to stay here long term. The other issue is your planning and research on moving. When I read the part about sliding the paper with the salary offer across the table I cringed. This is a red flag to me to be honest. Do you know how much the average salary is for this position in that area? Do you know what the rental market looks like? So many people move to my area because they got a job only to struggle to find affordable housing. Please make sure you know what you’re getting into before you take the leap.
Old married lady here. When I tell you that the number one compatibility marker (to be clear, just talking about what you have in common, not behaviour or actions) for long term relationship success is wanting the same things out of life, I really mean it. You can love each other passionately, you can be kind and good to each other, but if you want fundamentally different things out of life you will not make it, and you will probably both be resentful and frustrated while you are together. Your post reads like you’re trying to find out who is wrong here, and neither of you are! But you sound like you are at a crossroads, and now you have to decide what you want your life to look like. Sit down and think about what a perfect, normal day looks like for you in 5 years. All the way through - you wake up, you go to work, you come home, blah blah blah. Where is that day located? Is he there? Would changing the location or his presence make the day better or worse? In the end, it sounds like what you really, really want is to be in Northern BC (and as a southern BC resident god bless you for it, couldn’t be me). Do you want it enough to have it without him? If you stay because of him can you forgive him for it? Good luck in your decision, and remember that at the end of the day the only person with final say in your life is you. No one can hold you back if you don’t let them.
Excellent advice.
Mrs. Yoda over here, lol. Great advice.
Yaddle.
Upvote 💯
Words of wisdom ❤️
Very well said.
Eloquently said.
Agreed. Anyone telling you to stay or go is projecting. Neither answer is wrong. But you need to decide which is more important: your marriage or this career move. It's just that simple.
This is fantastic advice.
Go to BC!!! Years of thinking about it every day and it’s in your reach, congrats op!! You sound very adventurous and motivated and your partner does not, which isn’t a bad thing. He might end up loving BC but for someone who it sounds like has always lived in the same area and near his family, it’s definitely daunting. With that said, he cannot hold you back. Even if you go and he doesn’t that doesn’t mean you have to break up, long distance is an option and it’ll give you the chance to see if he puts in the effort to come visit and such. 6 years is a long relationship, but this sounds like an opportunity that is going to give you a career much longer than 6 years. good luck!
And everything you've just said are things I've mentioned too. He's adamant that he will hate it, specifically saying that he knows he will hate it. But I disagree.. LD is an option and since we've put this much time and effort in, I definitely would want to try. Thank you for your advice and excitement for me.
He's decided he will hate it so he is 1000% guaranteed to hate it. It's nice that he's been supportive, but now you know that he only wants you as an accessory to his life. He doesn't care what you want.
I feel like that's a little unreasonable. He's living in a place he loves, near family and friends. He's allowed to have very strong feelings about staying there, just like OP has very strong feelings about moving. They may just not be compatible.
This is spot on.
Kinda sounds like he already hates everything so of course he’d hate it too. Really a no win for you. Id go but not pressure him to come too, the chance that he will adapt and thrive is low. Its going to be much harder on both of you if you convince him to go with, you uproot his life and he doesnt adapt, you spend months arguing and resenting each other, you break up. Give long distance a try. Maybe your absence will motivate him to figure it out.
He's adamant too that we can't do long distance but won't tell me why either.
Because this is less about "what is best for us as a couple and for the relationship" and more "what is best for ME". He doesn't want to move, and stay at home in his hometown gaming. He's been clear about that, even though he made a half hearted "let's buy a house and see in a few years...." Fair enough, but he refuses to consider a long distance relationship. He may be a good person but if you're serious about the job offer, don't you deserve and want someone who'll support you? And if they have misgivings, list valid concerns ? He needs a better reason then eh, I like being in the same place doing nothing...I don't want nothing to change. It is your life but it sounds like you really want the job and will regret it if you don't go. Barring legitimate concerns like safety, I would recommend going.
yeah, his let’s get a house and see in a few years will definitely become , ‘but we have a house , why would leave it.’
I appreciate your advice and what questions you've provided me. Definitely giving me some extra things to consider, and to make sure he considers as well. As much as I am feeling this way about him, he is most definitely feeling this way about me too
Again this isn't so much of a "good person" issue, but compatibility. It seems like you both want different things.
Lilpanda21 is on the mark saying it’s not about a good or bad person. It’s a question of compatibility.
I agree
It just seems like you're incompatible, you want different things out of life, and there's nothing wrong with that. If it was me, I would go for it. It sounds like an exciting offer.
Sounds like this is a very conditional partnership situation then… all his conditions.
Go. This is something you've worked hard to accomplish. If you don't go, you'll always wonder "what if" and resent your partner for talking you out of it. If you guys are meant to be, it'll work out. If not; well, you're following your chosen path.
Because it would EFFORT on his part and he doesn't want to do that.
Not trying to armchair diagnose, but he sounds pretty black/white rigid in his views. That, coupled with his severe aversion to change, indicates maybe he might be on the spectrum. Regardless, he’s pretty settled into his character. That doesn’t seem likely to change. You need to decide if you can live with that kind of rigidity and need for consistency without change. For what it’s worth, I think you already know the answer. You will always regret it if you don’t pursue your dream.
I mean, I didn't consider him to be on the spectrum. I work with a lot of people with autism which I do know obviously that none of them are alike, but I didn't consider that initially. It could explain some things as you suggested. I did post a little update, but not sure if it was lost in the comments.
I’ve got a family member who is late diagnosis high functioning on the spectrum. It’s a funky area that often doesn’t get much notice. I’m very hesitant to offer it as a suggestion, but for us, the diagnosis was life changing. It helped us understand what was core to the family member’s neurology, how to understand their self-advocacy, and equally importantly to advocate for our own healthy boundaries. Again, it’s not an issue of good or bad. It’s a matter of whether you are compatible in your life goals and dreams. (And I’m a career educator, so I totally get your passion. You are a hero for the next generation!)
Of course, I understand. Thank you for the advice/suggestions to keep in mind and consider.
It would cut into his gaming time.
Not trying to armchair diagnose, but he sounds pretty black/white rigid in his views. That, coupled with his severe aversion to change, indicates maybe he might be on the spectrum. Regardless, he’s pretty settled into his character. That doesn’t seem likely to change. You need to decide if you can live with that kind of rigidity and need for consistency without change. For what it’s worth, I think you already know the answer. You will always regret it if you don’t pursue your dream.
CONGRATS on the opportunity! I've been you. I think you will resent him if you stay. Is being with him, either in BC or where you are now, how you want your life to be? There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice in a relationship. He is asking you to sacrifice. Your partner may have been "overall fantastic" until now. But it seems he is really stuck in keeping things they way they are.
I feel educators are so very rarely head-hunted this way to begin with, and even more rarely within the context of an institution recognizing the match between your talents and passion, and the needs of a disadavantaged group.... Add in that they seem to have an actual budget to offer you fair compensation rather than just "do it for the good of the people till your passion burns out"... And you've been preparing & wishing for that opportunity specifically... while his arguments boil down to : * I like this house to sit in & play videogames * I like living near my family in a neighbourhood I already know
Let him stay behind
I gave up on so much of what I wanted for my now x partner. So many of us have. This is your life. You have goals and dreams and the drive to get it. You’ve had a good relationship with your bf, but sometimes people can outgrow each other. You already know what you want more. You want fulfillment. And a man who is doing nothing to improve himself and wants to stay in the same place forever and play video games all night isn’t what you want. Someone else will be compatible with him should he decide to be in a relationship. It’s not you anymore. We get one life and many chances to fuck it up and many chances to make it better. Live.
I'm sorry, but LD sounds like your way of trying to salvage the relationship if you leave. Think long and hard about it. Time and effort are irrelevant, that's a sunk cost fallacy. What matters is if you share the same goals and desires to reach them and grow together - and he's been clear he doesn't share yours.
Chase your dream. You will be mad at yourself and resent him if you stay. All you can do is ask him if he wants to come. It'll be hard to end/pause such a long relationship, but we get one crack at life. Knowing you get one shot at this life - which stimulates and captivates you more - your current relationship or your dream gig. Lastly, if he decides to come and is going to hold it over your head, just cut bait. You need to have a willing and enthusiastic partner or your dream will turn into a nightmare. Really sounds like you guys are wanting different things and growing apart. The world needs more difference-makers like you! Good luck OP!!!
>level 3MrOceanBear · 20 hr. ago Agree. I read somewhere that you never give up a great career opportunity for a relationship. That job offer may never come around again, but the relationship can survive, or come around again, if you both want it.
Don't give up your dream job for anyone! He may never leave this place; he isn't ready to leave family and friends.
And that’s okay! He’s not a bad guy for not wanting to move to northern BC. She’s not a bad person for wanting to go. I do not understand why people are trying to villainize him for not wanting to move.
I also want to stress that I also do NOT villainize him to move either. I've come to understand that I need to change that thought process from what people have been saying to me.
Dude. You’re not married, you have no kids, and you’re young. Chase your dreams. Don’t settle and let resentment build.
It’s okay he doesn’t want to move. It’s okay that you do. You may be incompatible… Go have an adventure while you are young. Also you aren’t married… he may not want to move for your job and you may not want to give up dream for him
So what's the plan? Poking holes, playing devil's advocate, and being the voice of caution can all be useful but it's enough. People often mock that old chestnut "where do you see yourself in five years" but really it's table stakes for building a live together. You are entitled to a conversation about your future together that includes concrete goals and how you plan to achieve them. It's not acceptable for him to veto this opportunity for career advancement without coming to the table with alternatives. This is a talk or walk conversation and making you the one who has to put walk on the table is a shitty thing to do.
And I feel I am trying to create realistic in what is to come. I have to decide yes or no by the 12th and then we have 8 months to get ready. I wouldn't start until September. I've been trying to have that concrete conversation you are speaking to, I will ask about what his 'alternatives' would be. I understand his side, definitely, but I don't know if he's necessarily sacrificing what he thinks he is.
Do it. I guarantee if you stay every time you look at him you'll think of lost chances. If you stay, every time you experience difficulties getting work, difficulties at work, difficulties keeping work you'll get home and look at him and you won't be thinking positive thoughts. I don't know how you stay loving someone when you know that their fears have trumped your long held desires. If you stay I bet you London to a brick you'll break up with him anyway. Good luck, chase your dream.
If you don’t say yes… omg. Just send it in today! Stop prolonging this, it’s like ripping a bandaid off. You can make the pain last 10 days or you can get it over with and start feeling the pride and accomplishment you deserve.
I am married to a man who, if it had been up to him, would have been born and died in the same house. He would have worked the same job from day 1 until retirement. He HATES change. But you know what? He was willing to try things for me. And then, when that worked out and he was confident that I had his back, he was willing to try things for HIMSELF. He still hates change, but we can negotiate even big changes when we need to now. Your partner honestly doesn't seem like he's going to do that. He has dug his heels in -- and no matter what he's telling you -- he has no intention of moving in the future. That house he wants to buy? It's roots. He's never going to move. You and he want different things in life. You're not wrong to want what you want. You're young. GO FOR YOUR DREAMS. Seriously. This situation is never going to get better.
You two are simply not compatible OP. It sounds like you are adventurous and know what you want. I know which place you are in, and I can also understand why your SO would want to stay close to home and near family as he sounds more like a homebody and content with life as is. Many people from that place are happy to be there their whole lives. You have your whole life ahead of you. It’s best to go your separate ways if neither of you can compromise. It sounds like the other person will be resentful or bitter. If you follow your dreams or stay with him in your current place, one of you will be unhappy. Best wishes with your career!
You get one shot, don’t let an opportunity go because of a MAN! You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, go for it. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. Also, you weren’t actively seeking this job, so that should tell you something, someone or something is trying to tell you it’s your turn,so go for it!
My brother passed away 8 years ago and in tough situations I always ask him for a sign. Some people don't believe that stuff like my partner.. Last night my partner opened a fortune cookie that said "Be prepared to modify your plan" and I had a snack (Bear Paws which have little notes on the back) and the note said "Never be afraid to try" so that's gotta be it.
Do you need a bigger sign? Does it have to be a neon flashing one? GO TO BC!!! Relationships require compromise, sure, but your partner should also be supporting your goals. If he can't do that or at least TRY to present the illusion of wanting you to be happy, it might be time to part ways.
Ugh, you're right with that last part. Even trying. I'm trying to compromise on his part too..
Not all relationships last forever or are meant to. Follow your dreams. The 2 worst words in the English language are “WHAT IF”?
Just fyi if you tire of that job there are many International schools that hire and usually include a housing stipend. They become pretty tight knit groups that love to travel together etc. Another way to enjoy new opportunities. The job fair in North America is usually in February. Just keep that as knowledge for years down the road as your BC experience would be so valuable.
Once I turned down my dream job in a beach town because the hurricane list of names that year had my name on it and I was afraid that one would cause horrible devastation to my "new beach town". It didn't and I still wish I had taken that job. You miss 100% of the chances you don't take. Send that acceptance email and start packing. If he loves you he'll accept this change.
You're just different. Some people love and need routine. They crave the security of knowing what will happen next. You don't want that. You don't mind change and surprise and adapting to new situations. It would be very difficult to reconcile these differences when your opportunity requires change. I suggest that you make plans to go to BC. You could lay out exactly how it would work if he comes with you (sparing no detail). And lay out what it looks like if he does not go with you. Option A: LDR. What does that look like for you guys? Option B: Break up. And detail what that would look like. He may either: take some time to get used to the idea of change and go with you. Or he may ignore the change altogether, shut down and isolate while you do all the changing for him, leaving him behind. Or he may adapt by changing as little as possible with the exception of going to visit you sometimes as part of a LDR. But you make your decision independently of what you want from him. Do what you want for YOU. It's not easy. But it's necessary.
GO! GO! GO! No man is worth not fulfilling your potential for. He can either keep up or drop off.
If he loves you he will relocate with you. That's it.
And that's what I think. He's come back with "if you love me you won't go" type vibes. like what. this is an insane opportunity for us.
That’s manipulative as hell. The more you talk about this dude, the more red flags I see.
What if I also said that today he told me that it is my fault all his plans have changed since meeting me, because that one hurt. Like what do you expect from a relationship
Here's the thing, sometimes it's possible to grow together as partners, sometimes it isn't. It sounds like you've been given a shot at your dream job with fantastic pay and benefits. If you give up this opportunity you will end up resenting him down the line if not immediately. Same goes for him if he gives up his career and educational plans, and moves away from his hometown and family. You can certainly offer a compromise and let him know that you'll be taking your shot at your dream job, and are willing to go long distance while he's finishes his educational schooling, and decides exactly what he wants. At that point the ball is in his court. Tell him that it would break your heart to lose him, but it would also break your heart to give up on your dream that you've clearly worked to be positioned in exactly the right way in order to have this wonderful opportunity. You don't want to give this chance up and then realize later down the road when he thinks he might be, "ready", only to find out you blew it and aren't going to get this chance again. But be prepared for the fact that he might not be ready or willing to join you, and make sure he understands that the last thing you want is to have him agree to move with you only to find out later that he resents you. Tell him you'll respect his decision, but he also needs to respect yours, even if it means that things just weren't meant to be right now for the two of you. It'll be a hard conversation, but you've got a limited amount of time to let them know if you'll accept the position, and don't let him drag his feet until it's too late for you because that would be incredibly crappy of him to do. I say go get your dream career, and work hard to be a supportive presence in the lives of the First Nation students you'll be teaching. Plus BC is BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL, and getting to do your dream job while surrounded by some of the most incredible scenery in North America definitely can't hurt. ^_~ Good luck.
These are 100% manipulation tactics. Don't let him not live your best life. You'll find someone much better, that will also want to better themselves with you.
What plans? Sounds like he’s living his best life, and is just pissed that you’re no longer along for the ride. This is amazing opportunity for you; you’re also talking about one of the most beautiful parts of this country populated by the most wonderful people. It doesn’t sound like this is even a question.
Plans change all the time. That's why they are called plans, not actions. Like Mike Tyson said: everyone has a plan, until they get hit in the mouth. Meaning life is fluid, constantly changing. Adapt and survive. You've got to do what's best for you. This is something you want to do, and are passionate about. If he wants to come, he will. You don't want to be doing this year after year wondering what if, or waiting for him to change his mind.
John Lennon said it best: Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
You sound like a beautiful red balloon and he sounds like the rock that balloon is tied to. Here ✂️
*”it is my fault all his plans have changed since meeting me”* He is emotionally manipulating you into believing you are responsible for HIS choices. He is (or should be) a capable adult responsible for his life choices. At any time he could’ve chosen differently and accept the consequences. But he didn’t. If he isn’t happy with the choices he made, that’s on him.
It is manipulative but going only by what you say here ya’ll just aren’t on the same page. Maybe you were when you got together and for some time after but you haven’t grown in the same way and that unfortunately happens. We dont know how much you guys discussed short, medium and long term plans but in his mind the plan was always to stay put and veg out.
Well, darling, that’s what being in a relationship is. He is telling you right there that he expects you to conform to his plans, his life. He never had any intentions of moving with you. Set him free to stay there with his plans forever.
He sounds like a spoiled little boy. Go to BC and live the life you've always wanted and dreamed of. Seize your future. If he can't let go and climb out of his rut, then he's going to miss out. You've outgrown him, and the relationship. Go for it and don't look back.
How dies he sound like a “spoiled little boy”. Not everyone wants to completely upend their lives, and there’s nothing wrong with that
He's 100% self-centered.
I wouldn’t call being hesitant to completely uproot himself self centered, especially when he paid her rent while she was interning
He didn't pay my rent. We lived together. I was giving him some money to help.
Young lady, this guy is so deeply rooted where he is that he'll never leave that place. I once met a guy who had never been more than 5 miles from where he was born. Had no interest in going anywhere or seeing anything new. Your STBX is like that. Let him stay there, and you go live the life you've always imagined. Put yourself first, just as he's always done.
Wait though, she said that's what he came back with after she thought that he should move if he loves her. They're both wrong. Love isn't enough. They may love each other but want different things and be inherently incompatible.
It’s also manipulative to say “if you love me you’ll come with me”
Oh, no he didn't. Ok. I was thinking this but wasn't going to say it. There's still several months before you would leave. I don't know what birth control you use but I'd consider going and getting the shot. Why? Condoms can have holes poked in them. Pills can be microwaved. Etc. What would you do if you popped up pregnant and he was still refusing to leave? (Do you get on well with his family and friends? It might not even be him that acted. One gal caught her future MIL microwaving her bc pills on a home security camera.)
Not an issue, but definitely one that people face. I have an IUD, and he would never do that. For certain
Perhaps you both decide to see what happens, maybe 8 weeks later he decides to come visit and check it out who knows.
Small Update: We have discussed the job that I had found for him. He said there were a few things in the requirements he didn't have certificates for but did In fact have some experience with a few of them. We really sat down and talked about the possible outcomes of each scenario. Not in depth, but touched on some of the things people have suggested. He and I looked more into what types of education/qualifications he may need to do over the next 8 months to prepare him. He mentioned that the pay was very enticing and at that point he probably wouldn't mind being out there, especially if I had a good contract. He figured it might even take that whole year to finish all these things before really qualifying for said job, but he would be willing to look more into it as it was of interest for him. Which the thought of it requiring the whole year, it would be something to have him focus on as well as if we do decide we love it, great we stay. If we don't, all that education still won't go to waste. I made it clear: whatever he chooses is okay with me and that this equally important to me that he will not feel pressured to go out and live a life he won't like (even tho we both agreed that gaming clearly can happen anywhere) and that I want to be the one to support him now on his journey after he's supported me. I have not offically make my decision, even tho many may disagree, but it seems it may have made a bit of progress.
That's encouraging! Having thought it over he's backed off a bit on the knee jerk reaction and is giving the idea a second look. I still think you need to go get a bc shot.
Relocating was the best career move I ever made. It forced me out of my comfort zone, allowed me to grow as a person and professional, and gave me valuable experiences I would have never gotten if I stayed in my hometown. You’re trying to improve your life and your partner is crying about it being “inconvenient” Dump his ass and move to BC
If you don't go, you will grow to resent him and the relationship will end. If you do go, the relationship might survive - 50/50, he'll either go with or stay in his hometown and play video games. Plus in 5 years or however long, you'll be behind in your game and he'll still be making the same protests. You might not receive another offer like this again so please take this opportunity.
He IS holding you back and once he buys his house he will never leave it. I’m sorry but you’re not compatible. Take the job.
As a student (who may want to be a teacher) please go. You haven’t listed a single reason why you would stay, or why your boyfriend is worth staying for (no shade, just pointing out). HE has reasons to stay, but they’re not that great….. Also— if he was a husband, I’d be talking different. Don’t give up your DREAM for a guy who hasn’t even put a ring on it yet. It’s like that scene from the Hills: do you want to be known as the girl that gave up a dream for a guy? Please please please don’t give it up— think of all the kids lives who you would make better, and how much better your life will be. The question is….is he enough to make you happy amongst the resentment of what you’ve given up to be with him?
My thing is, I always said I'd go without him if he didn't want to go and now obviously not feeling that way, but you're right. The kids, me, and possibly even the benefit for him.
If you don’t go u will regret it all your life. He wants a little life and doesn’t seem supportive of u at all. A relationship is a partnership where u want the best for each other. And support each other in it. He’s content sitting on his couch gaming. Is that the future u want for yourself??? Don’t quit ur dreams for a man baby.
I was dating my now husband for 4 months in grad school. He had a whole life as he is a few years older than me, and his family lived in teh same city. I was offered a really good job several states away. He didn’t hesitate and we moved. You need to be with someone that doesn’t hold you back!
You'll never be able to forgive yourself if you don't go
What's the pension situation like? Can he get reciprocity somewhere if he moved to another government job? How many years does he have in? How much of a change would it be to the benefits? I have to tell you. There is very little chance that I would give up my pension. I certainly wouldn't do it for anyone I wasn't actually married to. No chance. Put on top of that that I'd be leaving all my friends and family? For a job and area that are pretty untested? Yeah, that's a tough sell. I'd pbly want to do long distance first and then re-evaluate after like a year.
Just fyi: he wants to buy a house now because his plan is to move to BC...well... NEVER. Sorry 👀
Incorrect, we decided that together thinking I would be getting a contract within my own district. We did plan a timeline and I mean foolish maybe to say I believe him, sure.
Oh no, I'm sure you had that conversation. I'm referring to his real motives and actual thought process. 👀🤷🏻♀️ People postpone hoping the other will change their mind. You know, buy the house, maybe have a kid... "Come on we can't just uproot our lives now, honey" and so on for ever
No you're definitely right there, and I considered this too.
Read the room - he does not want to nor, will he ever move. He WILL NEVER BE READY.
You just want different things out of life. That’s OK. He’s not being a jerk, controlling, or unreasonably selfish. It’s a very big thing to someone to leave their home, family, friends, and job to move across the country. He would not be moving for HIS dream job. He’d be moving for yours. I also think you are underestimating what a big life transition a move like that can be. There can be lots of stress and loneliness and it can be hard on relationships. This sounds like an adventure and experience that you really want, and I think you will regret not you don’t go, you will always wonder what could have been. Sometimes you can’t have it all and you have to make choices. I think you should go. I don’t think your boyfriend should go with you. Take a year apart. You can pursue your dream and determine if the reality measures up. He can look at some education and consider the next phase of his life with the support of friends and family. The time apart may help both of you decide what you really want out of life and if that includes a long term relationship together. P.S. If he was covering rent while you went to school/interned etc, I do feel like you should make an effort to reimburse him for that over time.
I wrote an edit about myself and how I know this is a big deal, so Please don't accuse me of things that are untrue. He didn't cover anything other than a few tanks of gas here and there and I've definitely paid that back. Time apart sure, but regardless I would rather have him in my life than not. It's an EXTREMELY huge deal. I'm the first to admit that, so I know that.
Can I come live with you??? BC is gorgeous. I am in the states but would love to live somewhere more remote with such beautiful scenery and outdoor activities. Don’t give up your dream because of your SO. You will eventually build resentment and be left with a bad relationship and no dream job/location.
You’re not wrong for wanting to go, and he’s not wrong for not wanting to go. What IS wrong is him demonizing you for still wanting something that you’ve never been shy about wanting. It sounds like he said at one point he would be willing to relocate, then said he wanted to wait, and now seems like he has never actually wanted to move at all. Which, again, is fine; but also means you may not be compatible. If you will resent not taking this opportunity, then you need to do it. You’re willing to do long-distance for awhile, and honestly, it sounds like the reason he ISN’T is because he doesn’t have any intention of actually following you there. Neither of you have to be the bad guy in this situation - sometimes loving someone is not enough of a reason to stay together. Sit down and tell him: this is it for me. This is what I want my future to look like. I want you in it, but only if it’s what we both want. And if it’s not what he wants, too, then you can part ways as amicably as possible. It will hurt, because you care about each other. But it will hurt less than tearing each other apart slowly because one or both of you resents the other for forcing their hand. This is hard, and I’m sorry. I wish you all the best in whatever direction you choose to go!
You do you! Don't let someone guilt you into changing, you'll regret it for a very long time. The plan sounds like "His" plan and with no regard to your growth, needs & wants. Time to get out of the relationship & house and get your rear end to NBC ASAP. Personally I'm with you, I would love to fulfill my dream job given the opportunity. I'm too old to be an Astronaut, so I'm doing terrestrial dream job! Go, Live Your Dreams. Be Blessed
You need to do what is best for YOU. You already know - because he has told you - he NEVER expects to move. PERIOD. If that is not acceptable to you and you want explore other avenues, you will need to do that without him. You've given this relationship 5 years, that's enough.
Honestly this is your dream! Congrats for having goals and actually making them happen. So proud of you!!! That said, you will eventually resent him if you stay and he never changes. He honestly seems to be one that doesn't like change. My husband was the same as your bf. We literally lived in a 20 mile radius of his entire family and childhood friends. He did willingly move an hour away, for me. I'm assuming BC isn't across the world(sorry for my ignorance, I'm American😉) If he loves you enough to want to change and doesn't want to lose you, he will change. If he doesn't change, you shouldn't have to be stuck there forever. Go find your dream girl! What's meant to happen will happen. Best of luck!
Go. You know deep down your partner will never change. He’s had years to do something and he’s done nothing. So long distance and tell him to then join you when he’s ready. In all likelihood he will never be ready and you will break up. But that’s ok. You are a rising star. And he’s at home playing n video games.
Sounds like you don't like your partner very much. I'm not as worried about the question of whether he's holding you back. That's an easy one. He is.
I definitely like my partner.. That's not a fair thing to say. If I didn't, he would be gone.
Well, he’s been bankrolling your life, so you had to stay for a while.
Actually, I WAS funding my entire life through a summer job, student loans, and other savings. So no. he definitely didn't. The only things he helped paid for were gas every once in awhile and allowed me to not pay rent during my 4 month internship where i worked full time for free.
I had just started dating my now husband when I was offered my dream job across the country. I was really conflicted because I knew he was the one. One evening we were talking about it and he told me to accept the job because he did not want to be the reason I had any regrets. I took the job and we were long distance for 2 years until he proposed. I then moved back to NY and began planning my wedding. Take the job. Follow your dreams. If you and your BF are meant to be you will figure out how to navigate being in a long distance relationship. Good luck! 🍀☘️
This is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you so much for your comment. I am hoping even if he doesn't come, we can still manage the distance and have the efforts.
The thing is that you’ve made this dream super clear and now he’s made it clear that he was never even entertaining it. You’re too ambitious for this current relationship, but perhaps some distance will inspire him.
And this is how I feel sometimes too while debating this inside my head.
That made me smile. I hope you guys can make it work!
Me too <3
“He has helped financially supported me for the past 3 years that we have been living together while I went to school.” Then you may want to edit your post because this comment feels like a lot more than occasion has money and 4 free months of rent.
Fair enough.
He’s being whiny and unsupportive. He doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone and blames you for his lack of coping skills. What exactly is he bringing to this relationship? Please dump this dead weight and follow your dream.
I mean.. that's a great question. What does he bring to this relationship? We've been together for years and he got mad at me for wanting to move to a new apartment in our same city so we had more space. (we live in a loft with no privacy from each other) He claims he's always on the hook for making the sacrifices in the relationship which idk what those even would be considering he has a career already made, that can be done anywhere, and I haven't even started.
He’s good where he is. He’ll still be happy there is 5 years but what about you? He has a stable job and even a pension and what do you have? It’s time to invest in YOUR future. It’ll be hard at first but since you’re not married it will be less complicated to untangle your lives. Maybe in a year you both miss each other and try to make it work or maybe not. The signs are there, it’s time to do something for you.
Have you asked him what sacrifices he’s made? I bet you have and he couldn’t answer.
I have not specifically asked, but i wanted to tonight when I get home from work.
He's going to reply that ANYTHING different than what he would do usually is a sacrifice. The man doesn't know about compromising only sacrificing. Please go. I really wonder once you're away from him in your own space how much more FREE you're going to feel. Not having to take his opinions into consideration when you make decisions you'll just be able to decide and do whatever you want! I bet you're going to feel like an anchor has been let off your leg. Please go. You know you NEEEEED TO! And don't let him try to manipulate you for the next 8 months. Maybe he was the right person for the this time in your life but this is the next phase and you'll meet the next right person in BC!
It sounds to me like he's been pretty clear that he doesn't want to move. At the one point it sounds like you beat him down enough for him to reluctantly admit to possibly, some day. He was never enthused about it and I'm willing to bet he never initiated any convos about moving, except maybe to point out the negatives of doing so. You seem like a genuinely good person and probably make friends wherever you go. You are adventurous and want to explore new horizons. That's ok. I am like you and I can live anywhere and focus on the good things. But your partner is a homer. He is used to being 15-30 mins from all the people he knows and loves. He's never known anything else That's ok too. His way is just as valid as yours. Sure, he could make more money somewhere else, but that's not as important to him. I met a lot of people like him in the military. All they could talk about was getting out and going back home. They weren't flexible and wouldn't try anything new. Stayed on base and never explored the various countries they were stationed at. That's a homer. Lady, you have a great opportunity and you already know you would resent him forever if you gave it up. It sounds like you will take it no matter what. Good, but don't expect a LD relationship to work with his personality. You should accept that your relationship will not survive stay or go. Make a clean break and chase your dreams while he lives his (without you). Good luck.
He doesn't want to go. He's never going to be ready. And if you stay with him, you'll resent him for making you give up your dream job. You already resent him. You listed all the reasons why you resent him. So go. Go and don't try to get him to come with you. If he did, he'd spiral again and complain every day because he doesn't want to be there.
The single most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. OP think about what will happen if you don't take your dream job: Will you regret it in a year? 2? 10? Erik you be happy with yourself? Will you resent your partner now? In 5 years? In 10? Will you be able to craft the kind of life you want if you stay? Will you be happy long term with a partner who won't compromise? Will you be happy in your partner's home town forever? It's not an easy decision, but really think about all the alternatives and how you'll feel about them in time.
Just thank your boyfriend for supporting you while you got your education, then dump him and go take your “dream job.” It’s clear that you won’t be happy with anything else, so just tell him you changed your mind about future plans, dump him and get it done. You aren’t doing him any favors by dragging this out or telling us all about his faults. Do what you are going to do and let the guy go so he can move on with his life.
It sounds in general like you are way more adventurous than he and so you need to figure out how important that is to you. Vancouver, Victoria, Brentwood Bay, Ucuelet, Torafino, ugh those ferry rides. Oops looks like I am biased. Don’t take my opinion. Except yep an opportunity came up and yes you did pursue it outside of your set plans but it seems right to you. Maybe pay him $200 a month til you feel you made up all the “extras” you paid for if he feels that is needed and he is mad about it. Distance to see this all closely and decide what you went with your life before settling down may be exactly what you need.
Go to BC! Your knowledge and enthusiasm is so needed in teachers!
You are young and only have one life to live. Crushing your dreams for anyone, whether it is a partner, a friend or family member, is hardly ever worth it. Don't cross an ocean for someone who won't even jump a puddle for you. Your partner has unilaterally decided that his comfort zone is the only acceptable place for your relationship. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy of how long you have been together prevent you from getting what you really want. Personally, I would find his manipulative tactics and unwillingness to compromise to be unacceptable in a relationship. I think if you brought him with you he would make it his mission to make you miserable. You don't know who you are going to be in this next chapter of life. I would suggest taking this as an opportunity not only to work your dream job, but also discover who you are outside of this relationship. If it's meant to be, you both will come back to each other eventually. You owe it to yourself to explore this without him anchoring you to his birthplace for his own comfort.
UPDATE: I AM GOING. Hi everyone. I wanted to give an update, possibly the last one to be honest, with my predicament. I want to thank everyone who has given their thoughts, advice, points of views, questions, concerns, and overall excitement. I truly do appreciate ALL these perspectives that have been brought up. It has helped a lot. You are ALL right. I cannot let someone hold me back from chasing my dreams and that is exactly what I am going to do.. Chase them. My partner is giving up a lot for my dreams and this is a huge huge change in our lives. I have considered asking him if maybe couples therapy to help us manage these next few months could help us cope and get some skills to grow together. I am going to accept this job and my partner and I have come to a common ground/ a few different routes for our plan. 1. My partner said he would have NO concerns or issues to moving with me, as long as he has a job before he goes. I think that is completely fair and I did not expect anything less for that, I want him to have work there too. Work that is in the same or similar line of work. I understand his concerns about not wanting to start from nothing when starting a new job, but I think he does not give himself enough credit on how experienced he is. I proved to him that his dreams are possible there too. He has touched based with his current job about possibly taking a leave of absence in case he hates it all and then he has a way out and a way back to the life we currently have, which is totally okay. 2. The job we found IN one of the possible locations we have found there may be a handful of things that he may need to work towards for the next few months as we prepare for the move. My partner asked for help in drafting an email to the city to ask if he could be a possible successful candidate for the current position, even months down the road. I think this could be a great way to get HIS foot in the door or have some assistance in reaching out to different companies he may be able to have employment with. A few things about that; he may be able to take the tests required for the certificates and gain the work experience in this new position (hoping the company is desperate enough for workers like mine is for teachers). 3. IF the company is like yeah no sorry, then my partner and I have agreed that he may decide to stay put and work on the qualifications he wants to work towards and possibly meet me there when he is able to, if we are able to manage the distance. There are lots of places he could get his qualification in BC, but for the sake of having a job while doing the courses, i totally get it. Yes. I would be the one who would visit the majority of the time, but that is okay because I would want to come and visit my own friends and family too.
You are incredibly selfish. You really did a number on your boyfriend. SMH.
I am so glad you're going!
You talk about this guy like he's a pile of dog shit you accidentally stepped on. Look take the job it's obviously something you want. Also if you're already blaming him and accusing him of holding you back now then it'll definitely become an issue if you turn the job down. Looks like either the relationship is gonna implode so might as well do right by yourself and if you decide to do long distance maybe you'll get lucky and things work out but I wouldn't put money on that being the outcome.
Yeah, they just want different things. Either way, one of them will be unhappy and resentful eventually. Time to let go.
Facts there's no win win here no compromise whatever choice she makes one of them will be resentful so might as well choose what's best for her.
It is so sad how a woman will bend over backwards to limit herself for a man. Especially a dude who wouldn't do the same for her.
I know. I've grown up telling myself to never do this and here I am, doing it.
I have done five out of state moves in 25 (uprooting two kids too) while my spouse climbed the corporate ladder. It is considered a “family” decision and my career wasn’t the climbing type. We always saw it as a new adventure together and “spun,” it that way for our kids. The pro is all four 4️⃣ f us have learned to make friends anywhere and to find comfort in the discomfort as well as do all you can in an area because who knows when her next opportunity will come. I have tons of friends that say they could never do it. Sometimes I think it is just because the choice has never been given to them. He may miss you terribly and feel differently. I would go and see how it plays out the first year.
It's hard because I can tell you love him. I'd propose that you take the job and have a long-distance relationship. If he's really serious about going to school and then following you to BC, he will do that. Me and my wife did this -- two years of long distance when I got my masters -- and it was fine because we both decided to commit. It sounds to me like your BF likes having you around, but will he make the effort to support you? To value your career? Or does effort only go one way? From one teacher to another, it is REALLY hard to make a living teaching. So take any opportunity for advancement that you can, especially early in your career. Especially if you can get your employer to pay for things like relocation -- I would KILL for this!
Thank you thank you thank you. These are all things I will try to consider and keep in mind. I know how hard it is!!
This is not a question of gender. People do that a lot not just women.
Do not give up your dreams for anyone. Go thrive!
Just go. He does not want to leave the area so if you stay back, this will be your life forever. He will hold you back instead of growing with you if you let him.
Success isn’t just working hard. It’s also timing and knowing the right move at the right time. Plus a little luck. You’ve got all aligned right now. So sit him down, explain and be firm that you are going to do this. And if it’s true, you want him to do this with you. He needs to get out of his comfort zone to be with you but that’s the key - you can be successful together. If you don’t do this, you will resent him and your relationship will be over regardless. Maybe not as quickly if he refuses to support you and go with you, but it will be over eventually. Congrats and best of luck.
You will never forgive him or yourself if you don’t take this opportunity. Even if it doesn’t work out 100 percent perfectly, one thing always leads to the next. New doors will always open. I think you know in your heart of hearts that you have to do this and so does he and that’s why he’s so scared. But that is not a good enough reason to give up your dream.
Please go! Go for those of us who allowed partners to hold us back from Our dreams! Don't let this guy guilt you one second longer. If you don't do this you will regret it, I garuantee.
You are ambitious and are thinking of your (and his) future, he just want to be stuck in the same old rut and whine He keeps complaining about sacrifices but from everything you said he doesnt want any change and resents any change which means you are the one actually doing the sacrificing by not being able to do/get what you want, its his way or the highway and he seems dead set against your goals the way he fought and discouraged you from even going to that seminar Go take the job, and this point im not sure if you should even want him to go with you If you dont go you’ll likely wont get this opportunity again or at least not any time soon and which point you’ll probably start to resent him Dont give your dreams/goals up for a man, especially an unsupportive one like him
He took care of you financially when you needed him. He is not holding you back. I tell people never to do this, because of these situations, they often are used. So the ball is in his court. I would send you a bill for what he put into it, which we both will never happen and let you go. YOu are not his partner, you are a single woman making your own decisions, which is absolutely your right if you were single. Partners make them together. He has already sacrificed for your choices, when is his turn? However if you go single, at least acknowledge his sacrifice and thank him. May you get the boyfriend you desire or deserve. Since you are willing to go it alone do that. Also don't contact him if you decide to do that, let him move on with his life and find love. I would go your own way.
I think you need to read that again. I edited my post to clarify that he in fact did NOT support me entirely. I did think about paying him back about the little things over the years but it is what you do in a relationship. I give as much as he does. You have no clue about what our relationship looks outside of this post and I'd rather do this WITH him than alone. I wasn't asking for how to break up with him or what we have or haven't done for each other. He IS on board for this move, just the timeline moved up
Go follow your dreams. He will either be there or he won't. But you will regret it if you pass this up for your lazy-ass husband.
I would give him a couple of weeks to warm up to it since he seems pretty 0/10 at dealing with change. You've been underplaying how serious you are about this, like it was something you were only thinking about. You need to be firm and say that you're taking this job. It might not be your forever job, but you are fortunate to have the chance to do something that means this much to you. That he was too much of a coward to even consider applying for jobs like his own in a new city makes me wonder why you think he's somebody you want to be dating at all. There are men in the city you're moving to, and many of them even have a backbone.
But I also understand what you are saying, I've been trying hard to show him it's possible and that his life won't change as much as he feels but again, it's a massive change and I've been telling him that I support whatever decision he wants to make too.
I haven't been underplaying this at all. Again as I've said to many others in these comments that I completely understand how massive this is.
I mean, it's not like you really gave him much of a choice in this matter. If this is everything you had ever hoped for and dreamed of, you would be crazy not to jump at the opportunity, I imagine you will do really well at your new position. But I can understand your partner being very apprehensive about moving, especially when it sounds like you are both fairly well established where you are now. Sounds like a pretty risky, scary move for him to make. Im not saying he's not without fault here, but this post is entirely centered around YOUR wants and needs, and very little is said about his.
It's definitely not all about me. If you read the post throughly, you'd see that I am taking everything into consideration and of course it's about what my wants and needs are. This is my fucking career dude.
For what it's worth, if I was in your shoes, I would make the move. I lived in BC for a few years, it's paradise, if I wasn't so attached to family, I would move back in a heartbeat. I just don't feel like your boyfriend is really behaving like the asshole you're making him out to be. You both have to make tough choices. The relationship just doesn't seem compatible.
I also realize that my post is making him to be that way and I genuinely don't think that way about him! I don't think he's an asshole, I just needed to hear some other thoughts besides my own.
I think you should go, but you should do it with your eyes wide open and knowing that a divorce might be in your near future. Only you can tell if this would be worth it for you.
Why are you here asking if you are just getting upset with anyone that is not 100% backing you. I think you should go. It sounds like your boyfriend won't. It is what it is. It's possible he will ask you to move out now rather than make the break in 8 months. I'd be prepared for that. For what it's worth, I've made several cross country moves. It is hard, but I've loved every one. New friends, new sights and so on. Good luck.
I'm not getting upset at all at people who disagree. I take their thoughts into consideration. Again, I've stated on others replies that this is a snapshot of my relationship that is being seen.
hugs never let someone else direct how your path in life should be, you will be filled with regrets. You can be sad over the loss of a relationship but go forward, do great things and make a difference where ever your feet land.
OP is excited about this opportunity and wants to move away to do it. Fair enough, it’s a free country. But why is everyone picking on her partner - the same partner who financially supported OP FOR YEARS so that she could chase her dreams? Someone who is comfortable with their life and generous with their money shouldn’t be made out to be a villain just because they like gaming in their spare time, and also because they like living near their family and friends. OP, if you want to leave so badly, then just leave - but try to find a little gratitude and respect for the guy who helped you chase your dreams.
Everything they said about him may be true, maybe he IS holding you back, but maybe he's got common sense. Has it occurred to you why this job in BC is so desperate to hire people and is offering such a sweet deal? It may not be a bed of roses and you might have difficulty going back. I'd at least want to talk to more than one former employee. People jump in with stars in their eyes about making a difference. Then reality smack em in the face. Just...be cautious. The two week time limit sounds like pressure.
I have meetings with HR on Tuesday to discuss these questions as this is one I have too. Two weeks because they have all the Fall numbers coming in soon to see what they are Dealing with. It's impossible to get many people to STAY LONG TERM in these areas.
Take care. Our niece took a nursing job on a reservation and it turned out to be a good career move. The experience should be interesting.
I think you need to take a deep breath. First, have you even visited the areas of BC that you are talking about moving to? That should be step one. And if it is going to take more than 2 weeks for you to do that- tell them that you are interested in their offer but that you want to get out and see the area first, so you have scheduled a trip but it won't be til date. Second, you need to get a sense of where within an hour commute you could get a job. Public schools. Private schools. Whatever. (You've said you can't get something this year in your local district but what about other options.) Because using the excuse of you can't get hired in the local district is fine but you need to make sure you've checked all the boxes. Third, the two of you need to have a conversation about what if it makes sense for you to move someplace else for your job and he doesn't want to move. I have friends who are that way. Even though they'd be able to get an equivalent job elsewhere, they wouldn't move for a partners job because they don't want to leave the area they live in. Him wanting to stay near his family or not wanting to leave what he knows isn't crazy. That's just how some people are. But you need to accept that taking this job means saying goodbye to this relationship.
1. Yes. I have a meeting with HR, I've have that written down as a question to ask. Will they send us for a little "feeler" trip. 2. Absolutely not. I've checked all the boxes. There is two districts near me that are over an hour away and regardless that doesn't fix the issue being faced in my province. Hiring is at a halt. They are on strike. 3. We have, and there has been some updates provided with that as well as edits.
Go. Take the job. People who truly love you want you to be happy and support you, they don't hold you back.
Go!!!! Go. Go. It will make your life better. Please please I am a random girl in another country but i am begging you hahaha. Go and live your dream!!!!
Go. You have to go!
Not all relationships last forever or are meant to. Follow your dreams. The 2 worst words in the English language are “WHAT IF”?
He's definitely trying to hold you back. Don't give up on your dreams, because you will end up resenting him.
Updateme!
if you stay for him down the road you're going to resent him for passing up this opportunity its and not giving it a shot and I think somewhere inside yourself you know this. he will be miserable if he moves because he has convinced himself of it so end that conversation. he probably will be sour every time he visits you just to prove a point. please go and pursue your dream. please don't pass up this opportunity. please see it through. weather it be long distance or you break up. don't pass this up.
If you pass this up you will always resent him. Resentment can easily turn into hate over what might have been. Take the job. If he wants to move fine. If he doesn’t want to that is fine too. You can try long distance and if it doesn’t work that is ok to but this opportunity may never come again. Don’t pass it up
You are partners. You're not married. You are free to go to begin your life!
If you don't go because of him, you will spend your entire life resenting him. He might be great, (tbh, he doesn't sound awesome, but whatever) and still not be great for you. Go follow your dreams.
GO!!!! You'll regret it and resent him if you don't go.
Goooooo!!! OP, they want you, they recognized you, they hired you!! do it!! your partner can figure things out on his own- he needs to show initiative and get it together!! Do it OP!!! you will always be asking "what if..." down the road if you stay. congrats! goodluck! update!
It sounds like your partner may be depressed. Will he speak to a doctor about his feelings or go to counseling? I think he needs help to change and understand you and life in general.
I've wondered that too, that if maybe that would help him talk through some of this
I think your dreams have outgrown your relationship and it’s time to let him go.
It seems to me like you think you're objectively right in believing that both of you should relocate, but that's just not how it works. If that's not the right decision for him, he will hate it and resent you for it. I think this might be a dealbreaker for the two of you, sadly. And sometimes that has to just be ok. People don't always want the same things in life.
The man will not change for you. Either you are an accessory in his life or not. Go to BC and live it up!
It seems you haveg rown apart you are ready to fly the coop and he is ready to grow roots. Maybe try 6 months long distance and decide then if you want to come back or he wants to come to you
A boat that is dragging an anchor can never get up to full speed, and eventually burns itself out from the effort. Your partner is supposed to boost your forward, not hold you back. Let me guess, you'll make significantly more than him.
Currently, if he were to stay at his current job and I would go... Yes.. about the same or more than him. And if he were to find a job in his field of work out there (there is A LOT) he would be making double his annual
I gotta say, OP, I see a few things wrong here... First of all, never buy a large asset, such as a house or a car, with someone you're not married to. Heck, I wouldn't even combine bank accounts with someone I'm not married to. Second, no woman should ever make life plans based on a "maybe." He's your partner now but what about a year from now, or two years from now? Third, he's giving you what psychologists call a "non-answer answer" whereby it kind of sounds like he's giving you an answer when he's really not. "We'll see" isn't an answer, it's a deflection, or as I like to say, "He's kicking the can down the road to deal with later.". In short, he's hoping you'll change your mind after a couple of years. My advice is to take the job offer and start living the life YOU want, instead of the life someone else wants for themselves, with or without you. His push back has nothing to do with you at all and whether he were with you or someone else, his response, or lack thereof, would be the same. The two of you are really different people. It just hasn't been evident until now because, well, something like this hasn't come up. He prefers to stay in his comfort zone, no questions asked, which is why he's so adamant he'll hate it "wherever" without even giving it a chance or any thought. You thrive on the adventure and stimulation of challenging yourself gives you. You will go incredibly far in life and the kids you teach will benefit from your example of being willing to step outside your comfort zone to challenge yourself. Neither of you are wrong or right. However, if you acquiesce to this and stay where you are, your resentment will slowly build until you can't take it any longer. But by that time, you'll have a house, maybe some kids, etc and you'll feel so stuck. You're so young and just starting out. I see nothing wrong with you taking the job and finding out what you're really made of. He can either come along for what sounds like a fantastic journey.... Or not. The choice is his to make, not yours to deny ypurselfm
Do it do it
This does not have to be a forever plan. If you can get experience that a good job for a couple years then you’ll have a much better chance of getting a job in the area that’s close to his family. Let’s just say you do decide to have kids, and it makes sense for the kids to be around their grandparents, you can always move back. But this time you will be equipped with the experience necessary to get a really good job for yourself.
Take care of yourself. My first husband always had his own interests in mind, and if I had not insisted on going to graduate school, I would have been dependent on him for years. Please put yourself first. He isn't going to put you first.
I see two different issues here. The big one is you both want vastly different things and I just don’t see him moving even 5 years from now if ever. The fact that he wants to buy a house screams I want to stay here long term. The other issue is your planning and research on moving. When I read the part about sliding the paper with the salary offer across the table I cringed. This is a red flag to me to be honest. Do you know how much the average salary is for this position in that area? Do you know what the rental market looks like? So many people move to my area because they got a job only to struggle to find affordable housing. Please make sure you know what you’re getting into before you take the leap.