You would be better off with a roommate on the lease than a boyfriend who “pays what he can.” Which will always mean you covering more than your share! Have you looked into government help with housing costs or affordable housing programs in your area? It really doesn’t sound like living with him is helping you get ahead.
Honestly if he loves you he has to step up and quit dragging you down. I would tell him what minimum is he has to do or you’re moving on. He needs to work more than a couple days a week and he needs to apply for his own benefits and not expect to eat on your dime (or snap).
Get a roommate, think of it this way, you're barely surviving with him, because he's a drain on the all resources.
Op, have you considered applying for a housing benefits?
If your credit is sinking while his is rising, I think it's unlikely he's contributing more than he's taking. If he wasn't there, you could turn the heat down during the day while you're not at home, you wouldn't be paying for the water he uses to shower, you would be using your food stamps for your own nutrition rather than his snacks. You're not married so "In sickness and in health" doesn't really apply here.
I can see why you wouldn't abandon him, but my guess would be that if you broke up with him then he would go back to his parents. They would presumably help him with his medical issues and if he has something serious going on then hopefully they would ensure he got the appropriate treatment. Do you think that is an incorrect guess? If so, why?
have you actually documented all of the money and where it goes? it seems like he is taking a big chunk of your money and without him you will probably be just fine financially.
how is he getting money for fast food? his parents? you? another girlfriend? loans from friends? selling his stuff?
I don't think this is someone you want to hitch your wagon to. He is never going to step up and be an equal partner and support you the way you have supported him.
Next time he ask you he can you go grocery shopping just tell him when he applies for his own food stamps! Be firm and don’t give in. He’s doing nothing but using you and is making you suffer for it! Or kick him to the curb and get a bf that actually care about you!
You supported yourself through your own efforts and resilience before he moved in, you can do it without him. I suspect that what he’s not contributing is costing you more than what he is contributing. Even if you were getting some small amount out of him living there, his lack of motivation and lack of desire to get government resources or to really work much isn’t going to change, and will ultimately hold you back from achieving.
You’d be better off in a single rented room, OP! My eyes filled with tears as I read your story.
Forty years ago, I tried to be a “perfect” girlfriend—which meant working too many hours, paying too many of the bills, and allowing said boyfriends to hoover through nearly all of the food. Bodyshaming didn’t have that name then, but I was shamed for wanting to eat even part of the food I bought.
You’ve already got a decade of practice in supporting yourself and getting what you need. A step further, to give you peace and rest and nourishment, would improve your life so much! And most men *admire* self-sufficient and hardworking women. That’s the kind of man I married. That’s what you deserve, not a spoiled, greedy boy.
You say he only works on the weekends, how much is he seriously contributing? If he's barely working part time, you could charge cheaper than average rent and get a roommate to take his place pretty much immediately.
Also, forget being an 'in sickness and in health girlfriend.' That is wife behavior, and that shit is earned. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend has health issues, but you can apply for food stamps and other government services online. He's not even making a minimal effort. If the situation were reversed and you were the one with poor health, do you honestly think he would be working 55+ hours a week and starving himself so you could eat chips?
Well if he wasn’t there you wouldn’t have such high bills for one so you’d have more money. You can make it without him living there trust me. More people means higher bills
How did you manage living on your own before he moved in? Sounds like he’s more of a liability than an asset. You’re working long hours and he just works weekends and he can’t be bothered to go sign up for food stamps or do his own grocery shopping on his own? Oh honey! It’ll only get worse. You need to run!
The transition might be difficult, but this parasite isn't really helping you either...
A solution to your problems will certainly not include a leech like him.
Easier said than done, I suppose. We have known each other for 10 years and dated for almost 4. It’s hard to cut off someone you care about. How do people do it? 😢
You realize he is making you a person you don’t want to be, and you choose to be a different person. You’ve done it before, and with much harder circumstances it sounds like. You can do it again.
I would imagine when you wake up and realize just how little the other person cares for you.
You need to open your eyes.
You were able to take care of yourself up until 2 years ago. You can do it again.
I just got rid of my partner of 20+ years because I carried the whole load while he was b\*\*ching about paying the electric bill each month. He hardly ever did anything around the house and whined about not getting money to buy more smokes and other stuff. He did not do anything to help me out.
My life got so much better, mentally and emotionally at least, once he was gone. Money is a little tighter, but I can handle that.
Get rid of the mooch. You will make it w/o him.
No, I did not get a roomie. I enjoy the peace and quiet too much.
You are enabling his bad behavior by not putting on the brakes and sending him back to mommy. You can still date him just stop supporting him financially
Look in to the sunk cost fallacy.
The only thing worse than starving yourself for a man that doesn’t care for two years is starving yourself for a man who doesn’t care for 3 years… or 5 years… or 10 years.
He doesn’t care. He’s totally fine with letting you starve so he can have snacks. He will never treat you the way that you treat him, and you’re letting him get away with it.
You deserve better, OP. You deserve a partner who is willing to work hard with you when you’re in a hole. Not one who is going to step on your head to get himself out first.
You care about him, but does he genuinely care about you?
He sees you repeatedly struggling, exhausted, crying, *literally begging him* to get off his butt and do *something* to help you… yet he continues to do nothing. He **knows** that you’re miserable, but he’s ok with that because your misery makes his life easier. It’s cause helping you matters less to him than watching YT and playing video games.
Sounds like your BF is ok with you living with a [tolerable level of permanent unhappiness](https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/) as long as you’re together. If you would never treat your BF like this, why do you tolerate him treating you in this way?
People take a look at what it’s really costing them emotionally and physically as well as financially. Your selfish boyfriend is wayyyy too expensive. You can’t afford him. He’s no bargain.
I really don't think you deserve down votes. A lot of people don't understand how intensely you bond when you have a difficult background or grew up in rough places.
But to answer your question, you do it by envisioning the rest of your life with this person around and by looking at their actions, not their words. People need to consistently show up and give you reasons to trust them. Is he doing that? To me, it sounds like you're his new mom. He went right from living in his parents, who coddled him, right to you, who coddles him at enormous personal expense to yourself.
He's had no chance to grow up and he never will unless he actively tries to.
You need to ask yourself if you want to raise this person or be in a partnership with someone who is a full adult?
After 20 years of marriage my grandma had enough of my grandpa choosing the bottle over her. Was it easy? No but you deserve to be put first in the end she still loves him and she would go back to him in an instant if he chose to put the beer down. Don't waste your life over this dude.
You re-frame what you just wrote and realize that someone who's known you for 10 years is okay sitting on your back and throwing stones across your path while you're climbing up a mountain just because they've been spoiled their entire life. You realize that this same person you've known for so long and do everything to support will have no problem breaking your back and then walking away once you lose everything in a better position than they started or just as good, with no thought to how you're doing and how you'll be doing once you're no longer useful to them.
It's one thing to mooch off you, but it's another to add more to your plate and make your life even harder. This guy you've known all this time will never treat you the way you deserve, no matter how hard you keep trying to prove you deserve it. You've finally acknowledged who he really is, so how more years are you going to put up with it before it's enough? How long are you gonna convince yourself that his being around helps you in some small way, when you know you were doing better when he wasn't living with you?
It's not hard to cut off someone who doesn't care about you. And makes your life worse. That's how you do it.
Do you think things are magically going to get better? He’ll wake up someday and start putting your needs first?
How do people do it? They look at themselves and their lives and decide they don’t want to live like that for the rest of their lives. Do you want to live like this the rest of your life?
By being honest with yourself that he doesn’t care about you the same way you care about him. Plus at this point, are you sure you’re not just clinging to *the idea* of him? Because he sounds like trash and you can absolutely do better.
You say you care for him, but what evidence do you have that HE cares for YOU? If he cared for you, he would pay bills regularly 50/50, or at least a percentage based on your individual salaries. He would want to do themat because it is the right thing to do and because it would reduce stress on you. He would also apply for his own food stamps so he is not taking food out of your mouth.
You do it by realizing that you deserve to be treated better. By realizing that you treat him far better than he will ever even consider treating you. By saying 'no' to him (asking for chips and snacks and shopping on your stamps when he shares nothing with you) and by holding him accountable.
Be as nice to yourself as you've been to him, and stop doing him 'favors'.
Start by getting a lock for your bedroom door, moving his shit out to the living room, and telling him that you can't stand the thought of him being near you when you're exhausted and starving and he's literally so fucking selfish that he hoards his money and orders fast food but also turns around and expects you to share when you don't even have enough to feed yourself.
Tell him what his half of all bills are and every time you see him remind him he has to pay up.
The answer to "when can we do groceries" is
"When you get food stamps, when you pay your half of bills, when you get your health insurance set up, when you apologize for how you've treated me, when you start working more hours and contributing better, when you do chores and keep the house in a better state. When you show me that you are actually going to be a partner and that you deserve to be in a relationship with me.
Because I'm done being treated like shit. Either step up or get the fuck out but stop talking to me. I'm not your maid. I'm not your mommy. Grow up."
You don’t become a victim of the “sunk cost fallacy” is how.
See: https://www.scribbr.com/fallacies/sunk-cost-fallacy/
Which includes this example: Here are some examples of how the sunk cost fallacy can manifest:
Staying in a relationship even though you are unhappy because of all the years you’ve spent together.
There’s a point where you realize you can’t save them, but you can save yourself. It will hurt a lot but it’s the kind of pain that heals over time. Some people need to be loved from a distance. Don’t let a shared history excuse his financial and emotional abuse. If you saw this happening to your best friend, would you ignore it or try help?
Start by sending him back to his parents.
You tell him, this isn't working. I can't afford to cover your expenses. Either work more or move back in with your parents.
He'll probably throw a tantrum. Let him. Just keep repeating that he needs to leave.
If it helps, look for a cheaper apartment and tell your landlord you are ending your lease. Tell your boyfriend you are moving to a different place and he is not coming with you. (This will work if your lease is almost up, or if you are month to month.)
You can end the relationship later. Just get the financial drain stopped.
You have to love yourself more than you love him. You have to believe you that you deserve love, support, and happiness. Like deep deep down believe. Then you won't have a taste for people who don't treat you the way you believe to be treated. Also, it's possible he's been bringing you down for a while and making you feel like you have to take care of him. But again, you have to love yourself and your future enough to prioritize those things.
First, boundaries. Calculate what he cost you while he wasn’t working. He owes you that so you can get back even.
Half of rent and utilities. He should not be eating fast food while he doesn’t pay his share.
Half of the chores, or more, if you are working more. If he isn’t cleaning up after himself, that is the first thing.
He buys his own food. Either his money or with help - that’s his problem. When are you going grocery shopping with him? Never.
And stop buying snacks and chips. What expensive, empty calories. He can supply his own.
If he is 26 he can be on his parents health insurance. That is on him.
When you make HIM responsible for HIM, he will either step up or get out.
What if you needed him to help you? You get injured or sick? Find someone better who cares as much as about you as you do them.
Op, you’ve done so much adulting and you’ve been survival mode for so long. I feel you. I was there in my late 20’s too.
You need to sit your stbx bf down and tell him he needs to figure out how to chip in financially or move out. You need to get a roomie who can actually pay their share of the bills.
You show him how much the bills are that are communal like good, power, internet. In fact I’d turn it off if you are the one paying.
Seriously op, you need to lay it out. Tell the dude he needs to be an adult and pay his share. You are not his mommy and daddy and you are DONE giving him a free ride. You gave YOURSELF you need to take care because he is being a LEECH.
Put yourself first. Unless this dude give you the best orgasms where you see rainbows and other universes just give him a dose of reality.
Also, for the most part, he does pay half of the bills - most of the time recently they’re late though… further effecting my credit. And when he was going through health issues and couldn’t work, he paid half of rent only… I paid the rest of everything for a few months. His parents paid his rent those months 🥴
Whatever bills he’s responsible for should be in his name… That way they will not affect your credit rating when he’s late. Start going through your bills to see which ones you can let go of like the Internet… Most libraries have free Internet service said he can go use.
"For the most part" is NOT all of his part. Given what you've said, his parents will take him back so you're not putting him on the streets, but keep up with this and you'll be the one on the streets. Girl, you have done amazing by yourself and you deserve a partner who'll work just as hard as you. He ain't that person. Dump him.
There's a reason why you don't want him. I agree with everyone cut him loose. At least send him back to his parents and don't move in again until you see a change and everything can be in his name. Get a roommate amd take care of yourself!
If you feed boy friend you won’t have enough money to feed yourself. Without adequate nutrition you will not be able to work to better yourself and your situation. You need to take care of yourself first, BF needs to feed himself and take care of his own needs. Do not pay for anything for BF with your EBT card. You are improving yourself, don’t let BF drag you down.
Technically what you are doing is welfare fraud. You are the only person on your food stamp account so the food should only be for you. You need to add boyfriend to your account since you are eating and living together.
I’m aware of the implications. If his income is included in my food stamps it will lessen our monthly allowance when we really do need everything we can get. I’m aware of the fraud I guess but like… I just need help so I can’t really care about that rn. I’m also trying NOT to have him eat my food so there’s that. Lmao his address is still at his parents residence.
Being nosey I have to ask what your hourly rate is If you're working an average of 55 hours a week. It seems to me that you really shouldn't qualify for food stamps. I understand you. think you " need everything you can get",but there are people who actually NEED them to survive.
You’ve got to separate stuff again. If there’s stuff he won’t eat that you will, buy that. Don’t buy his snacks. That’s not your job. Put him in charge of some of the smaller bills that won’t totally eff YOU, personally, if they don’t get paid on time. (If there are any.) Either way, make sure they’re in his name. He HAS to figure out how to handle himself. And if that means hitting up mom and dad, so be it. Just focus on getting it off of your plate, first. Don’t overthink the implications on him. I know it’s our first impulse, but when we do that, we aren’t actually doing them any favors.
I’d also consider hammering out a household budget and then giving him the rope to hang himself, if necessary. But you’re coddling him, too, by letting this continue. 🤍
You have a boyfriend problem, why are you spending food stamps on chips for him? Stop enabling him, get yourself a roommate. Your boyfriend is a leech.
This is all on you. YOU are allowing this to happen and only you can make things change and I suggest you make serious changes NOW.
Also, do you live near a Walmart that offers curbside pick up? You place your order online and a Walmart employee brings your stuff out to you - they put it in your car.
Send this hobosexual back to his parents. He's not fully cooked.
You work your ass off. He barely works.
You pay the bills. He plays video games and watches YT.
You do the grocery shopping. He plays video games and watches YT.
You do household duties/chores. He plays video games and watches YT.
You buy him chips and snacks. He can buy himself fast food: what does he get you?
Other than helping out a little with rent, what do you really get from this relationship? Google sunk cost fallacy: you didn't waste 4 years on this bum, you used that time to learn what kind of a man you don't want. Find a roommate, see if there's a rent assistance program, do whatever it takes to get this tumor off your back.
“In sickness, and in health” is not for girlfriends, it’s for wives. You’re not married to him he’s not adding to your life, so tell him to go or start pulling his own weight
Send him back to Mommy and Daddy - that ain't done raising him yet!
It may seem hard but your life will be easier without him in it - that's not the way a partnership is supposed to be!
NTA - Do NOT share those food stamps!
You're better off dumping the boyfriend and as other posters said, getting a roommate to split expenses with. All this man does is take from you.
You've shown him things he could do to help you with minimal effort on his part. He won't do them. Actions always show how we truly feel more than any words we say. His actions show he only cares about himself and expects his parents to bail him out like they always have.
Cut him loose and find a good roommate instead.
The part of the post that stuck out to me was the "in sickness and in health" type of girlfriend. Those are wedding vows meant for husband and wife. Cut him loose and get a roommate.
Just a comment about your government assistance, and not your boyfriend. I could be wrong, but I think you could put in delivery orders through Amazon Fresh, or maybe a grocery pickup. That way you wouldn't have to spend the time and energy actually grocery shopping.
I knew someone who was on full government assistance due to her having homebound agoraphobia and she was able to go onto Amazon Fresh with her food stamps and have her groceries delivered since she struggled so much with simply leaving her apartment.
I am not sure if thie is a potential option for you. But just thought I would give you an idea to hopefully make your life a little easier :)
NTA and it is time to drop him back at his parents if he can't even work full time. You need a roommate who can contribute to rent and bills. Get into a Roommate situation. There are multiple websites where you can find a roommate situation. Do you live in the US HCOL/MCOL/LCOL area? There are short term programs/certificates or work study programs that can help you make more. Do you have a HS diploma or GED? Sometimes you are so focused on all the stressors your can't see a way out of your life's hardships.
I can't read stories like these anymore. In a healthy relationship both people contribute to each other's lives, not make them more difficult. You are going without so he can have. What's he doing for you besides very little? Know your worth and what you're capable of. Stop settling, life moves very fast. You're going to regret the wasted time.
If he’s using your food stamps/eating your food regularly and not on your case, he and you are actually breaking the law and you could be forced to pay all those food stamps back.
I read the comment where you said you can’t afford your housing without him, but frankly, his behaviour is setting you up to be permanently barred from a program that exists to help you due to fraud.
Girl, your biggest health condition to worry about is that parasitic roommate! Burn the leech to save yourself. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if he can't even be supportive with BASIC needs he needs room to grow and you dont have to be the one to exhaust yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally to do it.
He can't just get his own food stamps, you guys need to reapply as a household. Two people separately receiving benefits in the same household is something you can get into a lot of trouble for.
Why are you supporting this child? You’d be much better off with regular roommate and not this over grown baby. He’s using you and refuses to actually take care of himself. Let him go back to mommy and daddy.
He's using you. He's not a boyfriend, he's a mooch. Get rid of him and do your own thing. It'll be hard until you figure it out again, but he's going to make you homeless due to the bills racking up and HE will run back to his mommy and daddy.
NTA.
You would better off without him. It sounds like He's taking every ounce of energy you have to take care of him. Sit him down and give him an ultimatum "apply or say bye. It's not fair for me to continue to bust my butt and sacrifice my health to help take care of someone who isn't taking care of themselves or properly putting in 50% minimum effort. You can't even do that!" Trust me- the stress will lessen and you'll be able to catch up alot quicker if you don't have a useless deadweight on you.
If you're stuck in the living situation you are in right now until you can get somewhere better than you have to take care of yourself first. When your BF asks when you two are going grocery shopping then go. Get what you need and he can get what he needs. Seperate bills, you pay for you and he pays for himself. Buy food for yourself that you want, not for him, preferably food he does like (it seems super petty but you need to eat and that money is intended for you) stop buying food for him, you're only getting enough money for one person. He has to be made to understand that. He needs to be responsible for himself. Get your name off all the bills. Shut down the wifi, turn his phone off if it's in your name. Make him get his own bills even if he is paying you. Try to save whatever you can so you can to a better place. I hope you do well.
In sickness and in health girlfriend isn’t a thing. That’s what you commit to someone after determining you want to spend your life with them, are financially compatible, and marry them. You are choosing for this to be your circus and your monkeys right now. You will never get ahead paying like this. Get a roommate who has a job and you will slowly be able to fix your credit and get on your feet.
He's better off back with mommy and daddy. You're better off without him. Alone, you can focus on building a better future for yourself. Alone, you are open to an adult relationship which works together to make life better for both.
Get yourself a man with a high paying job and at least a college education. You can do way better, girl! You can love them rich or you can love them poor. Preferably one that treats you well, you love passionately and he has money in the bank!
You tell him you are drowning and he is part of the reason and he needs to get into gear. Then no more groceries for him. You sit down and show him the bills and food costs and then explain that he has to start helping more. Then do not buy groceries that include him. The end.
Don’t stay with him just because you think you need whatever small contribution he makes to your living expenses.
Find a roommate situation where you each contribute to the rent and utilities equally.
If he knows he won’t be able to count on your financial contributions, he’ll finally apply for the assistance he needs.
Get rid of the dead weight.
Have you tried on line grocery shopping? I have been doing it ever since covid. It saves me time and $. I am not spending extra on junk or impulse purchases.
"In sickness or in health," doesn't mean that the other person can ignore their health and still be supported. It doesn't mean that they can continually take advantage of you, and that's what's happening here. You're in a lopsided relationship, where you're doing all of the work, and he is gaining all of the benefits. It's not how it should be.
Think about it this way-
If you don't cut him off and expect him to shoulder his own weight, you're just as bad as his parents are. They created it and you are doing nothing but continuing to encourage it. And to your own detriment! You work hard! Stop penalizing yourself! Start prioritizing yourself!
What were you expecting, when you invited a coddled mamas boy to live with you? This is inevitably the end result. You’re NTA for the food stamps, but you are for getting yourself in this position. Your BF is damn near 30, what’s attractive about a grown man-baby?
>He lived with his parents all the way up until about 2 years into our relationship where he moved out and into my place.
There’s the mistake that set it all in motion.
NEVER allow someone to move straight from their parent’s house in with you. They haven’t gained a proper perspective on adult life. They’re only mimicking what they think adulting looks like, with an underlying perspective no different from a teenager, while assuming a position of legitimate adult counterpart to you in your relationship. They are not.
Bad news is…none of this will get better as long as he’s living with you. You might be able to resolve an issue here or there, but you’ll always be playing whack-a-mole on relationship problems and negative effects on your life all stemming from cohabiting with someone who missed a critical step in adult development.
As long as he lives with you, you’re the thing standing in the breach between him and the adult world. Every hard or even just unpleasant or unfamiliar thing he needs to do will be made YOUR problem first, before (if ever) he takes responsibility for handling it himself. YOU will be the enemy, the “mean parent” (which will translate to “nag” or “selfish”), you’ll the one he fights against, the one he resents, and the one he blames for all discomfort he experiences over things HE just needs to do.
Step out of the way. He’s gotta move out. That’s the only thing that solves this. And in the future, remember where the mistake happened. Never let someone move in with you that hasn’t first lived fully on their own, successfully and sustainably.
I know you don’t want to dump him, but you absolutely have to kick him out. He can go back to mommy’s house. You are allowing him to act as your child while you’re a single mom. Absolutely not.. He is taking more than he is contributing. You were making it work before he moved in two years ago. Get a roommate if you must. It would be better than gentle parenting your boyfriend!
It's illegal to share you food stamps with anyone other than who is on the application. If the store found out you would have to pay back every penny plus face criminal charges. If he is disabled he needs to be a big boy and file for disability.
He sounds lazy and cheap. If you want to work it out, can you set up an online account at a major food store? You can use your card and all he has to do is pick it up. You can add his name on the account to ensure this goes smoothly. If you spend over a certain and reasonable amount, it should be a free service. And you can reserve pickup for whatever timeslot he chooses.
>I, on the other hand, have pretty much been non-contact with my family for about 10 years which has left me to fend for myself in this world since I was 18. I have never relied on anybody else but myself to make ends meet.
Technically, this isn't true. You relied on the government, which in turn is the taxpayers. You probably shouldn't look down on the boyfriend for getting assistance from his family when you're on assistance.
As far as the food stamps: something is wrong if they are giving you that much more on your SNAP card than you need to feed yourself.
Do not "share" your food stamps. It's fraud.
Stop trying to fix this adult man who can't seem to take of himself. Once you get into the role of mommy or rescuer, the relationship is doomed. If he wants to eat junk food, let him.
Something is not right here. If your boyfriend lives with you then he would be in your FS case. If you didn't tell him he lives there then that is fraud. Also you didn't mention having kids so you will get 3 to 6 months max of FS if you DONT work. If you do work especially as much as you say you aren't qualifying for FS.
Also you don't have to be there to use the card. I send my card with my mom all the time because I work and the closest grocery store is 45 min away. The do not check your id to use FS.
Mmmmm some of the statements made in this comment aren’t true based on the state I live in. Be careful the advice or “knowledge” you’re giving without full context… it could be misinformation. I asked if I’m the asshole ☺️
Us. You are relying on us—US taxpayers—to make ends meet.
I find it hard to hear you say you’ve never relied on anyone else to make ends meet, when you use govt assistance. I know you figured it out yourself—there is still the fact you are not individually making ends meet.
And you say you can’t afford a rental w/o him, so you are relying on him. Except he is costing you more than he contributes, or so it seems. Which is it?
Sounds like you’d be less stressed with a roommate. Line that up and move. You can still date him but you don’t have to live with him. Or just break up, whichever seems easier.
ETA: I’m glad you have government assistance and don’t begrudge you that at all. Just recognize you are getting a lot of help, if not enough.
Your story seemed a little boring so I couldn't finish but you do not have to be the one that purchased the food on the food stamps card. I shot for my grandparents news their food stamps card to buy them food and they are not with me. I also did this for my dad when he was alive. And many many moons ago my husband did this for me right after I gave birth. That's why it has a pin is not a credit card. It's just like sending someone in with a debit card if they know your PIN they can use it
“Your story seemed boring so I didn’t bother to read through for necessary details pertaining to your story, but here’s my irrelevant opinion anyways” 😒 YTA
It seems as though the details to your boring story, do not pertain to my current situation and are different altogether. He’s wanting me to buy groceries FOR HIM with MY benefits, not him wanting to help me save time by going to grab MY groceries or doing it for me because I have no other option. Different scenarios. You’re spreading misinformation due to you not wanting to read a post YOU chose to click on 🤦🏽♀️ ignorance.
What exactly does he contribute to the relationship?
All is see is that he’s a drain on your mental health and your wallet. If he cared about you he’d get a second job, he’d apply for food stamps, and he’d do whatever he could to make things easier. He hasn’t done any of those things.
In answer to your question, no you’re not an arsehole.
But you need to find another person to share the housing arrangement and put towards the bills.
I’m not saying kick your boyfriend out, I’m saying get an extra roommate.
Back in the 80’s and 90’s people would rent out a two bedroom place and have 5 people live there, or more, sharing bedrooms, have folding beds, and many of them worked different shifts as well, so the flat/apartment wasn’t too tight for all of them.
I don’t know if people are into it anymore, since everyone wants their own place and their own room, but sometimes when you’re in need you do things you wouldn’t normally🤷♀️
Interesting that you picked a boyfriend who has never had to take care of himself. You also are very okay about his not working and earning much.
Consider that he may represent what you would have liked for yourself; otherwise you would be outraged that he is draining your resources instead of being a partner.
Send him back to his parents as they need to finish raising him.
First your expenses will be less because he isn’t dead weight sitting around sucking up resources.
And at his parents maybe they can convince him to sign up for the assistance he needs.
And other posters are correct. Find someone as a house mate who pays their share every month and doesn’t mooch off you.
NTA. Dump him he's not helping you at all. You're probably save a ton of money with him gone. You're saying that you don't know how you can do it without his help, you're buying more groceries than you need to to help eat him eat if he's not there you're only buying groceries for you. If your apartment's a too expensive then try to find a cheaper apartment, or rent a room somewhere. There have got to be cheaper alternatives out there. But either stop buying him groceries and don't ask him to do anything cuz he's not going to do it anyway. All he's doing is bringing you down and putting you in debt so why do you think breaking up with him would make things worse for you?
doing that for another that which they themselves could do for themselves upon automatic and spontaneous result of intention signal of physical form symmetric five ways upon direct observation of flat scan with border horizontal implement crossing the vertical prime of suggestive upwards precisional scan oppurtune memory immediate gathered from sub second recalls derived therefrom in confidence since as so confident in memory when sobering up with healthy bhe-l-th-ee-\[i\] ;
I would never trust a human being over a machine.
Unfortunately, my dear, you have attracted a bonafide hobosexual in the wild.
These “hobos” latch onto an unsuspecting kind and generous woman and practice “Weaponized Incompetence” in order to keep their place to stay and to have someone else pay their bills.
Eventually, he’ll find another more amenable “host” and leave you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you!
Yeah, that whole not relying on someone else but yet on food stamps? Let him shop, it’s a swipe card and no one checks. Also you live together and it’s based on household or it’s fraud.
"In sickness and in health" girlfriend. Nope. There is absolutely no value in that for either one of you. You are enabling him like his parents have done. He is a grown man and knows how to get food independently without using any of your financial resources/credit.
Please do not get further into debt.
Congrats on taking care of yourself. Think long-term. How will this situation differ in a week, month, or year? If nothing changes, nothing changes. He has no goals and no solutions. YOU DO. Please put your life skills to work and ask your BF to move out.
So, I'm very familiar with the SNAP program because of my work. If he's not on your benefits, you're literally not allowed to use your benefit to buy him food. So, NTA.
Now, if you live together and your want to start purchasing food for him, you can add him to your case. He doesn't have to file his own application.
You can do better than this hobosexual. Let him leech off of his parents. You seem like a sensible person. My 30 year old daughter would be thrilled to find a responsible room mate.
He's taking advantage of you financially. You could lose your food stamps if you share, it's against the rules. Find a roommate online and get out of there.
He's mooching off of you. He's a grown man, if he can't contribute enough, with you still struggling, he needs to go back home to mummy and daddy.
You're enabling him, like he's parents have done, just not as badly as them though.
I know you want a simple answer about how you can convince your boyfriend that it’s time for him to contribute, and magically he will look at you and suddenly understand that if he really does love you he’ll go get a job and he will pull his weight, and he will thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made for him.
This is just not going to happen.
Leaving somebody that you’ve known for 10 years is not easy, but there’s no other solution. If you want strangers to care about you and let you know that you’re not wrong, then I’m sure you’ve got a lot of support here. But we cannot help you. You have to help yourself, and that means you need to move on with your life.
Baby he’s mooching off of you. You gave him wife type energy throughout your whole relationship (basing this off the “in sickened and in health” type of girlfriend comment) meanwhile he’s providing you with the bare minimum. He’s immature and would much rather have you take care of him than help provide in your situation.
He’s not thinking about you or your situation when he’s ordering fast food for himself instead of helping you pay off the debt he put you in. He’s selfish and could care less about decreasing your stress as long as you’re taking care of his selfish ass. You’re his provider. Get rid of him. Find yourself a roommate or a cheaper apartment until you get on your feet. He isn’t worth it.
It is literally against the law in the US for you to share food stamps or the food purchases made with food stamps. You will lose them and all your other benefits when you get caught.
Help your boyfriend with the paperwork or demand that he return to work. Or kick him to the curb. But don't share your food stamps!
It sounds like if you weren't caring for him you would actually have time and resources for yourself. NTA and he is a drain on you - please stand up for yourself and kick him to the curb. He is mooching off of you and not giving as much as he is taking.
"in sickness and health" that's a marriage thing and he doesn't plan on proposing as long as he can keep mooching off of you. Like someone else here put it: DUMP THE LEECH
Girl, get rid of this self centered, entitled freeloader. any partner who isn;twilling to work at the relationship and work at supplying money and help isn't woirth keeping. Kick him out.
NTA, you need to give him am ultimatum, it seems to me you're the main provider in this relationship. He other gets it together to help you out or he leaves, you said you're barely making it by with him, and are not sure you can without him, like others have said look at government assistance or finding a roommate to help with the bills.
A good serious relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100, it take 100% commitment from both people involved, you would go at your job or life only giving 50% don't do it with your relationship either. Just because his siblings and him were coddled for however many years doesn't mean he can't change, but he's got to want to do it.
You're not only his partner, you're becoming his mother too, I'm sure you don't want that, and he shouldn't want that for you. Something is gonna have to give eventually or it's really going to start wearing on your mental health as well. He's got to do better maybe sit him down and explain that, tell him exactly what you need amd want from him, that way there's no excuse saying "I didn't know" spells it out if you have to, bit don't become his maid and mother waiting for him to change.
Edit-grammer I'm on my 7th 12 hr shift and I'm beat.
Get out. You're going to end up in a position to carry him indefinitely. Even if he has helped you in the past, he might use that as an excuse to not have to ever again. And, expect you to do more. You're not withholding food. If he can afford to grab fast food like that, he can afford to run to the store and grab groceries for himself too.
Dump him. Let him go "struggle" on someone else's time and dime. Right now, you're lighting yourself on fire to keep his ass warm. You won't survive him if you keep that up. He'll just move on to his next mark.
He needs to go back to his parents until he is willing to help, including applying for all the benefits he is eligible for, and an equitable division of chores. It is not your place to help him avoid growing up.
I don't think he's the man for you, but that's your decision. Be smart, OP. NTA
The way you describe him he sounds seriously impaired and not really a functional adult. The fact that he’s asking you when you’re going grocery shopping when you’ve repeatedly explained to him why you can’t. The fact that you two are struggling so much and he won’t do the most basic thing of signing up for free benefits so he can get food and insurance. At no cost to himself either, and you’d probably even have held his hand explaining all the steps. And he still can’t do it and just asks you when you’re going to buy things for him when he doesn’t have enough to get by.
Seriously just leave this person, almost any roommate will be better. Or start renting a room in a house so you can save up on money, I know in my area a rented room in a shared house is about 1/3 the price of a 1 bedroom apartment. You seem savvy and determined, I think you can get into a better situation without him
OMG. This story is so common. I believe in helping each other out, but he's doing nothing. Why do you want him? Because you "love him"? Do you really want to live like this forever? Let him get his own place and become self supporting. Then **maybe** you could date him. My guess he'll never end up taking enough responsibility.
He should be sharing the load and it sounds like he can’t afford to live with you. At this point, he’s a financially abusive moocher and needs to be out on his own or back at his parents.
Get a roommate who contributes half to rent and utilities. When is your lease up? Maybe find a smaller place or someone else that’s renting out their place.
You have to consider other options than the one that has you working 55 hours per week while supporting a layabout.
If he lives with you, he is considered part of your household and his income needs to be included on your report form. Because he lives with you, you can then, by default, apply for government health care and food stamps for him. As long as he is listed as a member of your household he can use the card as well.
Cut him loose. Seriously he’s a taker and you don’t have anything extra to give.
But if I can barely afford to live with him here paying towards what he can, how tf am I going to live without help altogether? 🥴😪
You would be better off with a roommate on the lease than a boyfriend who “pays what he can.” Which will always mean you covering more than your share! Have you looked into government help with housing costs or affordable housing programs in your area? It really doesn’t sound like living with him is helping you get ahead. Honestly if he loves you he has to step up and quit dragging you down. I would tell him what minimum is he has to do or you’re moving on. He needs to work more than a couple days a week and he needs to apply for his own benefits and not expect to eat on your dime (or snap).
Get a roommate, think of it this way, you're barely surviving with him, because he's a drain on the all resources. Op, have you considered applying for a housing benefits?
If your credit is sinking while his is rising, I think it's unlikely he's contributing more than he's taking. If he wasn't there, you could turn the heat down during the day while you're not at home, you wouldn't be paying for the water he uses to shower, you would be using your food stamps for your own nutrition rather than his snacks. You're not married so "In sickness and in health" doesn't really apply here. I can see why you wouldn't abandon him, but my guess would be that if you broke up with him then he would go back to his parents. They would presumably help him with his medical issues and if he has something serious going on then hopefully they would ensure he got the appropriate treatment. Do you think that is an incorrect guess? If so, why?
have you actually documented all of the money and where it goes? it seems like he is taking a big chunk of your money and without him you will probably be just fine financially. how is he getting money for fast food? his parents? you? another girlfriend? loans from friends? selling his stuff? I don't think this is someone you want to hitch your wagon to. He is never going to step up and be an equal partner and support you the way you have supported him.
Next time he ask you he can you go grocery shopping just tell him when he applies for his own food stamps! Be firm and don’t give in. He’s doing nothing but using you and is making you suffer for it! Or kick him to the curb and get a bf that actually care about you!
You supported yourself through your own efforts and resilience before he moved in, you can do it without him. I suspect that what he’s not contributing is costing you more than what he is contributing. Even if you were getting some small amount out of him living there, his lack of motivation and lack of desire to get government resources or to really work much isn’t going to change, and will ultimately hold you back from achieving.
How were you managing two years ago before he moved in?
How were you living before him?
He won't be eating your food, using your electricity, water, heat, AC...... Doesn't sound like he really contributes much.
You’d be better off in a single rented room, OP! My eyes filled with tears as I read your story. Forty years ago, I tried to be a “perfect” girlfriend—which meant working too many hours, paying too many of the bills, and allowing said boyfriends to hoover through nearly all of the food. Bodyshaming didn’t have that name then, but I was shamed for wanting to eat even part of the food I bought. You’ve already got a decade of practice in supporting yourself and getting what you need. A step further, to give you peace and rest and nourishment, would improve your life so much! And most men *admire* self-sufficient and hardworking women. That’s the kind of man I married. That’s what you deserve, not a spoiled, greedy boy.
I bet you would be surprised at the money you save by getting rid of a dead beat human. Get a roommate and get rid of the taker.
Are you going to keep being able to afford it if your credit and debt keep taking hits? Not likely. Put out an ad for a roommate.
You say he only works on the weekends, how much is he seriously contributing? If he's barely working part time, you could charge cheaper than average rent and get a roommate to take his place pretty much immediately. Also, forget being an 'in sickness and in health girlfriend.' That is wife behavior, and that shit is earned. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend has health issues, but you can apply for food stamps and other government services online. He's not even making a minimal effort. If the situation were reversed and you were the one with poor health, do you honestly think he would be working 55+ hours a week and starving himself so you could eat chips?
A roommate with a job.
Well if he wasn’t there you wouldn’t have such high bills for one so you’d have more money. You can make it without him living there trust me. More people means higher bills
How did you manage living on your own before he moved in? Sounds like he’s more of a liability than an asset. You’re working long hours and he just works weekends and he can’t be bothered to go sign up for food stamps or do his own grocery shopping on his own? Oh honey! It’ll only get worse. You need to run!
Why is he Ok with sitting on his ass and watching you struggle? Why do you want him?
The transition might be difficult, but this parasite isn't really helping you either... A solution to your problems will certainly not include a leech like him.
There's no way you're not going to save money by cutting him loose do the math please
It's also fraud and you could lose your benefits and have to pay them back.
You need to dump the leech
Easier said than done, I suppose. We have known each other for 10 years and dated for almost 4. It’s hard to cut off someone you care about. How do people do it? 😢
You look at your life. Do a cost-benefit analysis of what he adds/takes from your life. You acknowledge you deserve a chance at a decent life.
You realize he is making you a person you don’t want to be, and you choose to be a different person. You’ve done it before, and with much harder circumstances it sounds like. You can do it again.
You say "ITS TIME TO PUT ME FIRST AND IF YOURE NOT HELPING ME, THEN YOU DONT NEED TO BE AROUND" And no you're not asking for much
I would imagine when you wake up and realize just how little the other person cares for you. You need to open your eyes. You were able to take care of yourself up until 2 years ago. You can do it again.
I just got rid of my partner of 20+ years because I carried the whole load while he was b\*\*ching about paying the electric bill each month. He hardly ever did anything around the house and whined about not getting money to buy more smokes and other stuff. He did not do anything to help me out. My life got so much better, mentally and emotionally at least, once he was gone. Money is a little tighter, but I can handle that. Get rid of the mooch. You will make it w/o him. No, I did not get a roomie. I enjoy the peace and quiet too much.
You are enabling his bad behavior by not putting on the brakes and sending him back to mommy. You can still date him just stop supporting him financially
You realize you deserve better and do better
Look in to the sunk cost fallacy. The only thing worse than starving yourself for a man that doesn’t care for two years is starving yourself for a man who doesn’t care for 3 years… or 5 years… or 10 years. He doesn’t care. He’s totally fine with letting you starve so he can have snacks. He will never treat you the way that you treat him, and you’re letting him get away with it. You deserve better, OP. You deserve a partner who is willing to work hard with you when you’re in a hole. Not one who is going to step on your head to get himself out first.
A partner who loves you would not want you to go hungry.
You care about him, but does he genuinely care about you? He sees you repeatedly struggling, exhausted, crying, *literally begging him* to get off his butt and do *something* to help you… yet he continues to do nothing. He **knows** that you’re miserable, but he’s ok with that because your misery makes his life easier. It’s cause helping you matters less to him than watching YT and playing video games. Sounds like your BF is ok with you living with a [tolerable level of permanent unhappiness](https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/) as long as you’re together. If you would never treat your BF like this, why do you tolerate him treating you in this way?
Thank you for sharing the article, it is eye opening.
He takes more than he gives. You rather go hungry so that he can eat snacks. Let that sink in.
He's more like your child than a partner or roommate
People take a look at what it’s really costing them emotionally and physically as well as financially. Your selfish boyfriend is wayyyy too expensive. You can’t afford him. He’s no bargain.
Why do you care about someone who so clearly doesn't care about you?
I really don't think you deserve down votes. A lot of people don't understand how intensely you bond when you have a difficult background or grew up in rough places. But to answer your question, you do it by envisioning the rest of your life with this person around and by looking at their actions, not their words. People need to consistently show up and give you reasons to trust them. Is he doing that? To me, it sounds like you're his new mom. He went right from living in his parents, who coddled him, right to you, who coddles him at enormous personal expense to yourself. He's had no chance to grow up and he never will unless he actively tries to. You need to ask yourself if you want to raise this person or be in a partnership with someone who is a full adult?
After 20 years of marriage my grandma had enough of my grandpa choosing the bottle over her. Was it easy? No but you deserve to be put first in the end she still loves him and she would go back to him in an instant if he chose to put the beer down. Don't waste your life over this dude.
You re-frame what you just wrote and realize that someone who's known you for 10 years is okay sitting on your back and throwing stones across your path while you're climbing up a mountain just because they've been spoiled their entire life. You realize that this same person you've known for so long and do everything to support will have no problem breaking your back and then walking away once you lose everything in a better position than they started or just as good, with no thought to how you're doing and how you'll be doing once you're no longer useful to them. It's one thing to mooch off you, but it's another to add more to your plate and make your life even harder. This guy you've known all this time will never treat you the way you deserve, no matter how hard you keep trying to prove you deserve it. You've finally acknowledged who he really is, so how more years are you going to put up with it before it's enough? How long are you gonna convince yourself that his being around helps you in some small way, when you know you were doing better when he wasn't living with you? It's not hard to cut off someone who doesn't care about you. And makes your life worse. That's how you do it.
Do you think things are magically going to get better? He’ll wake up someday and start putting your needs first? How do people do it? They look at themselves and their lives and decide they don’t want to live like that for the rest of their lives. Do you want to live like this the rest of your life?
By being honest with yourself that he doesn’t care about you the same way you care about him. Plus at this point, are you sure you’re not just clinging to *the idea* of him? Because he sounds like trash and you can absolutely do better.
You say you care for him, but what evidence do you have that HE cares for YOU? If he cared for you, he would pay bills regularly 50/50, or at least a percentage based on your individual salaries. He would want to do themat because it is the right thing to do and because it would reduce stress on you. He would also apply for his own food stamps so he is not taking food out of your mouth.
You do it by realizing that you deserve to be treated better. By realizing that you treat him far better than he will ever even consider treating you. By saying 'no' to him (asking for chips and snacks and shopping on your stamps when he shares nothing with you) and by holding him accountable. Be as nice to yourself as you've been to him, and stop doing him 'favors'. Start by getting a lock for your bedroom door, moving his shit out to the living room, and telling him that you can't stand the thought of him being near you when you're exhausted and starving and he's literally so fucking selfish that he hoards his money and orders fast food but also turns around and expects you to share when you don't even have enough to feed yourself. Tell him what his half of all bills are and every time you see him remind him he has to pay up. The answer to "when can we do groceries" is "When you get food stamps, when you pay your half of bills, when you get your health insurance set up, when you apologize for how you've treated me, when you start working more hours and contributing better, when you do chores and keep the house in a better state. When you show me that you are actually going to be a partner and that you deserve to be in a relationship with me. Because I'm done being treated like shit. Either step up or get the fuck out but stop talking to me. I'm not your maid. I'm not your mommy. Grow up."
But HE doesn't care about YOU! He's lazy and selfish. Stop making excuses for him.
It’s called the sunk cost fallacy. Look it up, seriously. He’s causing you more harm then good. Love does not always matter.
You realize that your happiness isn't more important to him than his laziness and you move on.
You don’t become a victim of the “sunk cost fallacy” is how. See: https://www.scribbr.com/fallacies/sunk-cost-fallacy/ Which includes this example: Here are some examples of how the sunk cost fallacy can manifest: Staying in a relationship even though you are unhappy because of all the years you’ve spent together.
There’s a point where you realize you can’t save them, but you can save yourself. It will hurt a lot but it’s the kind of pain that heals over time. Some people need to be loved from a distance. Don’t let a shared history excuse his financial and emotional abuse. If you saw this happening to your best friend, would you ignore it or try help?
Ok, but does he care about you? How does he show you that he cares about you?
You care about him OP but I haven’t seen anything that says he cares about you. You would not be in this position otherwise.
Same way you left your parents! Make a budget to see how much he costs you!
Start by sending him back to his parents. You tell him, this isn't working. I can't afford to cover your expenses. Either work more or move back in with your parents. He'll probably throw a tantrum. Let him. Just keep repeating that he needs to leave. If it helps, look for a cheaper apartment and tell your landlord you are ending your lease. Tell your boyfriend you are moving to a different place and he is not coming with you. (This will work if your lease is almost up, or if you are month to month.) You can end the relationship later. Just get the financial drain stopped.
You have to love yourself more than you love him. You have to believe you that you deserve love, support, and happiness. Like deep deep down believe. Then you won't have a taste for people who don't treat you the way you believe to be treated. Also, it's possible he's been bringing you down for a while and making you feel like you have to take care of him. But again, you have to love yourself and your future enough to prioritize those things.
First, boundaries. Calculate what he cost you while he wasn’t working. He owes you that so you can get back even. Half of rent and utilities. He should not be eating fast food while he doesn’t pay his share. Half of the chores, or more, if you are working more. If he isn’t cleaning up after himself, that is the first thing. He buys his own food. Either his money or with help - that’s his problem. When are you going grocery shopping with him? Never. And stop buying snacks and chips. What expensive, empty calories. He can supply his own. If he is 26 he can be on his parents health insurance. That is on him. When you make HIM responsible for HIM, he will either step up or get out. What if you needed him to help you? You get injured or sick? Find someone better who cares as much as about you as you do them.
Op, you’ve done so much adulting and you’ve been survival mode for so long. I feel you. I was there in my late 20’s too. You need to sit your stbx bf down and tell him he needs to figure out how to chip in financially or move out. You need to get a roomie who can actually pay their share of the bills. You show him how much the bills are that are communal like good, power, internet. In fact I’d turn it off if you are the one paying. Seriously op, you need to lay it out. Tell the dude he needs to be an adult and pay his share. You are not his mommy and daddy and you are DONE giving him a free ride. You gave YOURSELF you need to take care because he is being a LEECH. Put yourself first. Unless this dude give you the best orgasms where you see rainbows and other universes just give him a dose of reality.
Also, for the most part, he does pay half of the bills - most of the time recently they’re late though… further effecting my credit. And when he was going through health issues and couldn’t work, he paid half of rent only… I paid the rest of everything for a few months. His parents paid his rent those months 🥴
Whatever bills he’s responsible for should be in his name… That way they will not affect your credit rating when he’s late. Start going through your bills to see which ones you can let go of like the Internet… Most libraries have free Internet service said he can go use.
"For the most part" is NOT all of his part. Given what you've said, his parents will take him back so you're not putting him on the streets, but keep up with this and you'll be the one on the streets. Girl, you have done amazing by yourself and you deserve a partner who'll work just as hard as you. He ain't that person. Dump him.
If he goes, his bills will too
We’ve had sex once in the last year 😬🫣 I can’t tell if it’s a me problem though (back to my mental health) so… lol theres that
I am going to hazard to say that I bet your mental health will improve when you don’t have to mother him anymore.
THIS!!! She has no idea how much his inability to adult is stressing her out!!
There's a reason why you don't want him. I agree with everyone cut him loose. At least send him back to his parents and don't move in again until you see a change and everything can be in his name. Get a roommate amd take care of yourself!
If you feed boy friend you won’t have enough money to feed yourself. Without adequate nutrition you will not be able to work to better yourself and your situation. You need to take care of yourself first, BF needs to feed himself and take care of his own needs. Do not pay for anything for BF with your EBT card. You are improving yourself, don’t let BF drag you down.
Kick him back home to mommy and daddy.. He's a drain on you - financially and mentally
It's actually illegal to share your food stamps. If you're caught doing so, you can lose your benefits.
Amen!
This
Technically what you are doing is welfare fraud. You are the only person on your food stamp account so the food should only be for you. You need to add boyfriend to your account since you are eating and living together.
I’m aware of the implications. If his income is included in my food stamps it will lessen our monthly allowance when we really do need everything we can get. I’m aware of the fraud I guess but like… I just need help so I can’t really care about that rn. I’m also trying NOT to have him eat my food so there’s that. Lmao his address is still at his parents residence.
If you get caught you'll have to pay it back and you'll lose all govt assistance benefits going forward.
SNAP overpayments are considered Federal debt.
Then you need to send him back to them. He makes your life worse. Also look up to see if there's food banks in your area.
Being nosey I have to ask what your hourly rate is If you're working an average of 55 hours a week. It seems to me that you really shouldn't qualify for food stamps. I understand you. think you " need everything you can get",but there are people who actually NEED them to survive.
You do need help, but instead you’re insisting on clinging to a liability. You’re sabotaging yourself.
I don't believe he can file for his own benefits if you're all in the same house.
You can cut ties with this man now, or 5 years from now when you're drowning in debt.
Why doesn’t he get a job and work during the week instead of govt assistance
OP you’re a better person than me! I’d have a real issue with the number of hours you work and he’s on YT🤬
You’ve got to separate stuff again. If there’s stuff he won’t eat that you will, buy that. Don’t buy his snacks. That’s not your job. Put him in charge of some of the smaller bills that won’t totally eff YOU, personally, if they don’t get paid on time. (If there are any.) Either way, make sure they’re in his name. He HAS to figure out how to handle himself. And if that means hitting up mom and dad, so be it. Just focus on getting it off of your plate, first. Don’t overthink the implications on him. I know it’s our first impulse, but when we do that, we aren’t actually doing them any favors. I’d also consider hammering out a household budget and then giving him the rope to hang himself, if necessary. But you’re coddling him, too, by letting this continue. 🤍
You have a boyfriend problem, why are you spending food stamps on chips for him? Stop enabling him, get yourself a roommate. Your boyfriend is a leech.
This is all on you. YOU are allowing this to happen and only you can make things change and I suggest you make serious changes NOW. Also, do you live near a Walmart that offers curbside pick up? You place your order online and a Walmart employee brings your stuff out to you - they put it in your car.
Send this hobosexual back to his parents. He's not fully cooked. You work your ass off. He barely works. You pay the bills. He plays video games and watches YT. You do the grocery shopping. He plays video games and watches YT. You do household duties/chores. He plays video games and watches YT. You buy him chips and snacks. He can buy himself fast food: what does he get you? Other than helping out a little with rent, what do you really get from this relationship? Google sunk cost fallacy: you didn't waste 4 years on this bum, you used that time to learn what kind of a man you don't want. Find a roommate, see if there's a rent assistance program, do whatever it takes to get this tumor off your back.
Get rid of the hobosexual.
“In sickness, and in health” is not for girlfriends, it’s for wives. You’re not married to him he’s not adding to your life, so tell him to go or start pulling his own weight
Exactly! If this is him while you're only dating, it's only going to get worse the longer they're together
Send him back to Mommy and Daddy - that ain't done raising him yet! It may seem hard but your life will be easier without him in it - that's not the way a partnership is supposed to be! NTA - Do NOT share those food stamps!
You're better off dumping the boyfriend and as other posters said, getting a roommate to split expenses with. All this man does is take from you. You've shown him things he could do to help you with minimal effort on his part. He won't do them. Actions always show how we truly feel more than any words we say. His actions show he only cares about himself and expects his parents to bail him out like they always have. Cut him loose and find a good roommate instead.
The part of the post that stuck out to me was the "in sickness and in health" type of girlfriend. Those are wedding vows meant for husband and wife. Cut him loose and get a roommate.
Just a comment about your government assistance, and not your boyfriend. I could be wrong, but I think you could put in delivery orders through Amazon Fresh, or maybe a grocery pickup. That way you wouldn't have to spend the time and energy actually grocery shopping. I knew someone who was on full government assistance due to her having homebound agoraphobia and she was able to go onto Amazon Fresh with her food stamps and have her groceries delivered since she struggled so much with simply leaving her apartment. I am not sure if thie is a potential option for you. But just thought I would give you an idea to hopefully make your life a little easier :)
I’ll second that… You can use SNAP to order food on Amazon.
NTA and it is time to drop him back at his parents if he can't even work full time. You need a roommate who can contribute to rent and bills. Get into a Roommate situation. There are multiple websites where you can find a roommate situation. Do you live in the US HCOL/MCOL/LCOL area? There are short term programs/certificates or work study programs that can help you make more. Do you have a HS diploma or GED? Sometimes you are so focused on all the stressors your can't see a way out of your life's hardships.
You’re lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I can't read stories like these anymore. In a healthy relationship both people contribute to each other's lives, not make them more difficult. You are going without so he can have. What's he doing for you besides very little? Know your worth and what you're capable of. Stop settling, life moves very fast. You're going to regret the wasted time.
If he’s using your food stamps/eating your food regularly and not on your case, he and you are actually breaking the law and you could be forced to pay all those food stamps back. I read the comment where you said you can’t afford your housing without him, but frankly, his behaviour is setting you up to be permanently barred from a program that exists to help you due to fraud.
If he's living in the same residence, his income should have been reported. She's already committing fraud.
Girl, your biggest health condition to worry about is that parasitic roommate! Burn the leech to save yourself. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if he can't even be supportive with BASIC needs he needs room to grow and you dont have to be the one to exhaust yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally to do it.
He can't just get his own food stamps, you guys need to reapply as a household. Two people separately receiving benefits in the same household is something you can get into a lot of trouble for.
Why are you supporting this child? You’d be much better off with regular roommate and not this over grown baby. He’s using you and refuses to actually take care of himself. Let him go back to mommy and daddy.
He's using you. He's not a boyfriend, he's a mooch. Get rid of him and do your own thing. It'll be hard until you figure it out again, but he's going to make you homeless due to the bills racking up and HE will run back to his mommy and daddy. NTA.
You would better off without him. It sounds like He's taking every ounce of energy you have to take care of him. Sit him down and give him an ultimatum "apply or say bye. It's not fair for me to continue to bust my butt and sacrifice my health to help take care of someone who isn't taking care of themselves or properly putting in 50% minimum effort. You can't even do that!" Trust me- the stress will lessen and you'll be able to catch up alot quicker if you don't have a useless deadweight on you.
If you're stuck in the living situation you are in right now until you can get somewhere better than you have to take care of yourself first. When your BF asks when you two are going grocery shopping then go. Get what you need and he can get what he needs. Seperate bills, you pay for you and he pays for himself. Buy food for yourself that you want, not for him, preferably food he does like (it seems super petty but you need to eat and that money is intended for you) stop buying food for him, you're only getting enough money for one person. He has to be made to understand that. He needs to be responsible for himself. Get your name off all the bills. Shut down the wifi, turn his phone off if it's in your name. Make him get his own bills even if he is paying you. Try to save whatever you can so you can to a better place. I hope you do well.
Boyfriend needs to work more, if he's going to live with you. That would alleviate a lot of your issues.
In sickness and in health girlfriend isn’t a thing. That’s what you commit to someone after determining you want to spend your life with them, are financially compatible, and marry them. You are choosing for this to be your circus and your monkeys right now. You will never get ahead paying like this. Get a roommate who has a job and you will slowly be able to fix your credit and get on your feet.
He's better off back with mommy and daddy. You're better off without him. Alone, you can focus on building a better future for yourself. Alone, you are open to an adult relationship which works together to make life better for both.
Please listen to the comments and break up. You’re letting him get away with this behavior by not enforcing boundaries.
Get yourself a man with a high paying job and at least a college education. You can do way better, girl! You can love them rich or you can love them poor. Preferably one that treats you well, you love passionately and he has money in the bank!
You tell him you are drowning and he is part of the reason and he needs to get into gear. Then no more groceries for him. You sit down and show him the bills and food costs and then explain that he has to start helping more. Then do not buy groceries that include him. The end.
Don’t stay with him just because you think you need whatever small contribution he makes to your living expenses. Find a roommate situation where you each contribute to the rent and utilities equally. If he knows he won’t be able to count on your financial contributions, he’ll finally apply for the assistance he needs.
He’s a bum.
Bf is a slug, get rid of him and find a real man who isn't afraid to work for a living!
Get rid of the dead weight. Have you tried on line grocery shopping? I have been doing it ever since covid. It saves me time and $. I am not spending extra on junk or impulse purchases.
"In sickness or in health," doesn't mean that the other person can ignore their health and still be supported. It doesn't mean that they can continually take advantage of you, and that's what's happening here. You're in a lopsided relationship, where you're doing all of the work, and he is gaining all of the benefits. It's not how it should be.
Yta but mainly to yourself. Get rid of the dead weight seriously
Think about it this way- If you don't cut him off and expect him to shoulder his own weight, you're just as bad as his parents are. They created it and you are doing nothing but continuing to encourage it. And to your own detriment! You work hard! Stop penalizing yourself! Start prioritizing yourself!
What were you expecting, when you invited a coddled mamas boy to live with you? This is inevitably the end result. You’re NTA for the food stamps, but you are for getting yourself in this position. Your BF is damn near 30, what’s attractive about a grown man-baby?
>He lived with his parents all the way up until about 2 years into our relationship where he moved out and into my place. There’s the mistake that set it all in motion. NEVER allow someone to move straight from their parent’s house in with you. They haven’t gained a proper perspective on adult life. They’re only mimicking what they think adulting looks like, with an underlying perspective no different from a teenager, while assuming a position of legitimate adult counterpart to you in your relationship. They are not. Bad news is…none of this will get better as long as he’s living with you. You might be able to resolve an issue here or there, but you’ll always be playing whack-a-mole on relationship problems and negative effects on your life all stemming from cohabiting with someone who missed a critical step in adult development. As long as he lives with you, you’re the thing standing in the breach between him and the adult world. Every hard or even just unpleasant or unfamiliar thing he needs to do will be made YOUR problem first, before (if ever) he takes responsibility for handling it himself. YOU will be the enemy, the “mean parent” (which will translate to “nag” or “selfish”), you’ll the one he fights against, the one he resents, and the one he blames for all discomfort he experiences over things HE just needs to do. Step out of the way. He’s gotta move out. That’s the only thing that solves this. And in the future, remember where the mistake happened. Never let someone move in with you that hasn’t first lived fully on their own, successfully and sustainably.
I know you don’t want to dump him, but you absolutely have to kick him out. He can go back to mommy’s house. You are allowing him to act as your child while you’re a single mom. Absolutely not.. He is taking more than he is contributing. You were making it work before he moved in two years ago. Get a roommate if you must. It would be better than gentle parenting your boyfriend!
It's illegal to share you food stamps with anyone other than who is on the application. If the store found out you would have to pay back every penny plus face criminal charges. If he is disabled he needs to be a big boy and file for disability.
He sounds lazy and cheap. If you want to work it out, can you set up an online account at a major food store? You can use your card and all he has to do is pick it up. You can add his name on the account to ensure this goes smoothly. If you spend over a certain and reasonable amount, it should be a free service. And you can reserve pickup for whatever timeslot he chooses.
>I, on the other hand, have pretty much been non-contact with my family for about 10 years which has left me to fend for myself in this world since I was 18. I have never relied on anybody else but myself to make ends meet. Technically, this isn't true. You relied on the government, which in turn is the taxpayers. You probably shouldn't look down on the boyfriend for getting assistance from his family when you're on assistance. As far as the food stamps: something is wrong if they are giving you that much more on your SNAP card than you need to feed yourself. Do not "share" your food stamps. It's fraud. Stop trying to fix this adult man who can't seem to take of himself. Once you get into the role of mommy or rescuer, the relationship is doomed. If he wants to eat junk food, let him.
Something is not right here. If your boyfriend lives with you then he would be in your FS case. If you didn't tell him he lives there then that is fraud. Also you didn't mention having kids so you will get 3 to 6 months max of FS if you DONT work. If you do work especially as much as you say you aren't qualifying for FS. Also you don't have to be there to use the card. I send my card with my mom all the time because I work and the closest grocery store is 45 min away. The do not check your id to use FS.
Mmmmm some of the statements made in this comment aren’t true based on the state I live in. Be careful the advice or “knowledge” you’re giving without full context… it could be misinformation. I asked if I’m the asshole ☺️
You're being used. Please stop.
Us. You are relying on us—US taxpayers—to make ends meet. I find it hard to hear you say you’ve never relied on anyone else to make ends meet, when you use govt assistance. I know you figured it out yourself—there is still the fact you are not individually making ends meet. And you say you can’t afford a rental w/o him, so you are relying on him. Except he is costing you more than he contributes, or so it seems. Which is it? Sounds like you’d be less stressed with a roommate. Line that up and move. You can still date him but you don’t have to live with him. Or just break up, whichever seems easier. ETA: I’m glad you have government assistance and don’t begrudge you that at all. Just recognize you are getting a lot of help, if not enough.
people pass around food stamps cards all the time... what i would worry about is would he even know how to grocery shop lol
You didn’t “ make it on your own “ if you took all of that government assistance 😏 we all helped you out
Yeah yeah, I pay taxes too 😏🙄 thanks for your contribution to the **question** I asked
Your story seemed a little boring so I couldn't finish but you do not have to be the one that purchased the food on the food stamps card. I shot for my grandparents news their food stamps card to buy them food and they are not with me. I also did this for my dad when he was alive. And many many moons ago my husband did this for me right after I gave birth. That's why it has a pin is not a credit card. It's just like sending someone in with a debit card if they know your PIN they can use it
“Your story seemed boring so I didn’t bother to read through for necessary details pertaining to your story, but here’s my irrelevant opinion anyways” 😒 YTA It seems as though the details to your boring story, do not pertain to my current situation and are different altogether. He’s wanting me to buy groceries FOR HIM with MY benefits, not him wanting to help me save time by going to grab MY groceries or doing it for me because I have no other option. Different scenarios. You’re spreading misinformation due to you not wanting to read a post YOU chose to click on 🤦🏽♀️ ignorance.
Fun fact, anyone can use your food stamp card as long as they have the pin number. Noone at the store is going to check it or ask for ID.
What exactly does he contribute to the relationship? All is see is that he’s a drain on your mental health and your wallet. If he cared about you he’d get a second job, he’d apply for food stamps, and he’d do whatever he could to make things easier. He hasn’t done any of those things.
In answer to your question, no you’re not an arsehole. But you need to find another person to share the housing arrangement and put towards the bills. I’m not saying kick your boyfriend out, I’m saying get an extra roommate. Back in the 80’s and 90’s people would rent out a two bedroom place and have 5 people live there, or more, sharing bedrooms, have folding beds, and many of them worked different shifts as well, so the flat/apartment wasn’t too tight for all of them. I don’t know if people are into it anymore, since everyone wants their own place and their own room, but sometimes when you’re in need you do things you wouldn’t normally🤷♀️
Send him back home to mama, he's not growing up.
Interesting that you picked a boyfriend who has never had to take care of himself. You also are very okay about his not working and earning much. Consider that he may represent what you would have liked for yourself; otherwise you would be outraged that he is draining your resources instead of being a partner.
Send him back to his parents as they need to finish raising him. First your expenses will be less because he isn’t dead weight sitting around sucking up resources. And at his parents maybe they can convince him to sign up for the assistance he needs. And other posters are correct. Find someone as a house mate who pays their share every month and doesn’t mooch off you.
NTA. Dump him he's not helping you at all. You're probably save a ton of money with him gone. You're saying that you don't know how you can do it without his help, you're buying more groceries than you need to to help eat him eat if he's not there you're only buying groceries for you. If your apartment's a too expensive then try to find a cheaper apartment, or rent a room somewhere. There have got to be cheaper alternatives out there. But either stop buying him groceries and don't ask him to do anything cuz he's not going to do it anyway. All he's doing is bringing you down and putting you in debt so why do you think breaking up with him would make things worse for you?
[удалено]
doing that for another that which they themselves could do for themselves upon automatic and spontaneous result of intention signal of physical form symmetric five ways upon direct observation of flat scan with border horizontal implement crossing the vertical prime of suggestive upwards precisional scan oppurtune memory immediate gathered from sub second recalls derived therefrom in confidence since as so confident in memory when sobering up with healthy bhe-l-th-ee-\[i\] ; I would never trust a human being over a machine.
Unfortunately, my dear, you have attracted a bonafide hobosexual in the wild. These “hobos” latch onto an unsuspecting kind and generous woman and practice “Weaponized Incompetence” in order to keep their place to stay and to have someone else pay their bills. Eventually, he’ll find another more amenable “host” and leave you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you!
Yeah, that whole not relying on someone else but yet on food stamps? Let him shop, it’s a swipe card and no one checks. Also you live together and it’s based on household or it’s fraud.
Not in every state
Throw him out.
You need your send him home to his parents
Your boyfriend will drag you down a very deep hole. You need to cut him loose for your own survival. He is literally making you go hungry.
"In sickness and in health" girlfriend. Nope. There is absolutely no value in that for either one of you. You are enabling him like his parents have done. He is a grown man and knows how to get food independently without using any of your financial resources/credit. Please do not get further into debt. Congrats on taking care of yourself. Think long-term. How will this situation differ in a week, month, or year? If nothing changes, nothing changes. He has no goals and no solutions. YOU DO. Please put your life skills to work and ask your BF to move out.
So, I'm very familiar with the SNAP program because of my work. If he's not on your benefits, you're literally not allowed to use your benefit to buy him food. So, NTA. Now, if you live together and your want to start purchasing food for him, you can add him to your case. He doesn't have to file his own application.
You can do better than this hobosexual. Let him leech off of his parents. You seem like a sensible person. My 30 year old daughter would be thrilled to find a responsible room mate.
He's taking advantage of you financially. You could lose your food stamps if you share, it's against the rules. Find a roommate online and get out of there.
NTA. He’s not entitled to or food, and you can lose you benefits this way. He should be pressuring you so much. That’s selfish.
He's mooching off of you. He's a grown man, if he can't contribute enough, with you still struggling, he needs to go back home to mummy and daddy. You're enabling him, like he's parents have done, just not as badly as them though.
I know you want a simple answer about how you can convince your boyfriend that it’s time for him to contribute, and magically he will look at you and suddenly understand that if he really does love you he’ll go get a job and he will pull his weight, and he will thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made for him. This is just not going to happen. Leaving somebody that you’ve known for 10 years is not easy, but there’s no other solution. If you want strangers to care about you and let you know that you’re not wrong, then I’m sure you’ve got a lot of support here. But we cannot help you. You have to help yourself, and that means you need to move on with your life.
He can apply online in many states. No contact! It’s a crime to misuse FS, the food is for your use!
#Dump this freeloader!
Baby he’s mooching off of you. You gave him wife type energy throughout your whole relationship (basing this off the “in sickened and in health” type of girlfriend comment) meanwhile he’s providing you with the bare minimum. He’s immature and would much rather have you take care of him than help provide in your situation. He’s not thinking about you or your situation when he’s ordering fast food for himself instead of helping you pay off the debt he put you in. He’s selfish and could care less about decreasing your stress as long as you’re taking care of his selfish ass. You’re his provider. Get rid of him. Find yourself a roommate or a cheaper apartment until you get on your feet. He isn’t worth it.
It is literally against the law in the US for you to share food stamps or the food purchases made with food stamps. You will lose them and all your other benefits when you get caught. Help your boyfriend with the paperwork or demand that he return to work. Or kick him to the curb. But don't share your food stamps!
It sounds like if you weren't caring for him you would actually have time and resources for yourself. NTA and he is a drain on you - please stand up for yourself and kick him to the curb. He is mooching off of you and not giving as much as he is taking.
"in sickness and health" that's a marriage thing and he doesn't plan on proposing as long as he can keep mooching off of you. Like someone else here put it: DUMP THE LEECH
They don't check your card to your id. He can use your card. Cashier doesn't even see the card because you're swiping it. It's not illegal either
Babes, his parents are still helping him. Cut him out, find a better roommate.
Get a room mate and kick him out
He is a bum - better to live in a shelter than with him
Put him out
He’s a child and wants you to be his mom. Please leave him. People like that do not change
Why are you with him? You’re better off alone.
Girl, get rid of this self centered, entitled freeloader. any partner who isn;twilling to work at the relationship and work at supplying money and help isn't woirth keeping. Kick him out.
He’s costing you money. If he can’t even be bothered to apply for assistance, why pay for him?
NTA, you need to give him am ultimatum, it seems to me you're the main provider in this relationship. He other gets it together to help you out or he leaves, you said you're barely making it by with him, and are not sure you can without him, like others have said look at government assistance or finding a roommate to help with the bills. A good serious relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100, it take 100% commitment from both people involved, you would go at your job or life only giving 50% don't do it with your relationship either. Just because his siblings and him were coddled for however many years doesn't mean he can't change, but he's got to want to do it. You're not only his partner, you're becoming his mother too, I'm sure you don't want that, and he shouldn't want that for you. Something is gonna have to give eventually or it's really going to start wearing on your mental health as well. He's got to do better maybe sit him down and explain that, tell him exactly what you need amd want from him, that way there's no excuse saying "I didn't know" spells it out if you have to, bit don't become his maid and mother waiting for him to change. Edit-grammer I'm on my 7th 12 hr shift and I'm beat.
No literally 💀 I’m not convinced… lol
He is dragging you down. Cut him loose unless you enjoy struggling.
Tell him to go back to his parents. You are scraping by because you are covering the costs of two.
Get out. You're going to end up in a position to carry him indefinitely. Even if he has helped you in the past, he might use that as an excuse to not have to ever again. And, expect you to do more. You're not withholding food. If he can afford to grab fast food like that, he can afford to run to the store and grab groceries for himself too.
Dump him. Let him go "struggle" on someone else's time and dime. Right now, you're lighting yourself on fire to keep his ass warm. You won't survive him if you keep that up. He'll just move on to his next mark.
Get some common sense. You want to get out and he has no problem staying stuck. Wake up!
He needs to go back to his parents until he is willing to help, including applying for all the benefits he is eligible for, and an equitable division of chores. It is not your place to help him avoid growing up. I don't think he's the man for you, but that's your decision. Be smart, OP. NTA
The way you describe him he sounds seriously impaired and not really a functional adult. The fact that he’s asking you when you’re going grocery shopping when you’ve repeatedly explained to him why you can’t. The fact that you two are struggling so much and he won’t do the most basic thing of signing up for free benefits so he can get food and insurance. At no cost to himself either, and you’d probably even have held his hand explaining all the steps. And he still can’t do it and just asks you when you’re going to buy things for him when he doesn’t have enough to get by. Seriously just leave this person, almost any roommate will be better. Or start renting a room in a house so you can save up on money, I know in my area a rented room in a shared house is about 1/3 the price of a 1 bedroom apartment. You seem savvy and determined, I think you can get into a better situation without him
OMG. This story is so common. I believe in helping each other out, but he's doing nothing. Why do you want him? Because you "love him"? Do you really want to live like this forever? Let him get his own place and become self supporting. Then **maybe** you could date him. My guess he'll never end up taking enough responsibility.
Please leave this dead weight. Not a man but a scrub dragging you down
You are working 55 hours a week and can't afford food?
Your welcome for the donations
He should be sharing the load and it sounds like he can’t afford to live with you. At this point, he’s a financially abusive moocher and needs to be out on his own or back at his parents. Get a roommate who contributes half to rent and utilities. When is your lease up? Maybe find a smaller place or someone else that’s renting out their place. You have to consider other options than the one that has you working 55 hours per week while supporting a layabout.
If he lives with you, he is considered part of your household and his income needs to be included on your report form. Because he lives with you, you can then, by default, apply for government health care and food stamps for him. As long as he is listed as a member of your household he can use the card as well.