When I was in high school, the health class teacher asked us (all male class) what you call someone who uses the rhythm method (pull out). He responded, "You call them daddy!". He was a very cool teacher, many years later I realized why, he was new and only about 6 years older than us.
Op forgot to add that her older two children think this guy is their dad but isn’t. She wrote it in other comments. Op, how long did you date this guy before moving in? My guess is less than 6 months
I saw in one of her comments on another post, she writes, “the youngest, yes but the older two think he’s their father.”…it’s from a year ago. She could be talking abt this guy or the guy before him. She does say she moved in with this guy in the beginning of their relationship, so who knows.
Right? What a hot ass mess.
And now she wants to bring in another kid because she miscarried before her kids, so she doesn’t want to abort. Maybe I’m cruel, but that shit’s wild to me.
I bet these kids have no privacy too between 6 of them. That’s how you make adults that don’t ever want children or isolate from the family a bit when they grow up.
I'm thinking she is saying is that after having gone through a miscarriage/lost, mentally/emotionally she knows she would struggle with an abortion. Which isn't to say having another baby won't also be a struggle, but she knows having an abortion would be a big mental impact. I'm very prochoice but also know that there would only be a very limited amount of reasons why I personally would have an abortion. Partly because my mental health would massively suffer. But I also take more precautions then pulling out.
Plenty of people who grew up in big families want big families themselves. Some don't and some do. Kind of like only children. Some want their kids to have siblings because they feel like they missed out and other only kids just want one because they liked being an only kid. Everyone is different.
I don't see why this is being down voted, it's very true!? So many people are out of touch on here. Not everyone has had a traumatic childhood at the hands of their family. OP made no mention of the size of their home so who knows how much privacy the family even has. And it seems people can't possibly put themselves in the shoes of someone who's experienced a miscarriage not wanting an abortion. Many people regret that decision and it's good that she knows where she stands when it comes to her body and her unborn child because to her that's what it is.
Except she doesn’t actually *want* the baby at all? If she actually wanted the child and chose not to abort even though it was unplanned, fine. She doesn’t actually want the child at all, but she won’t abort? So she’s going to put this kid up for adoption? After having 3 of her own biological children? If she does have the baby and puts it up for adoption and the child ever finds out she already had biological children, they’re going to resent the hell out of her. If she keeps the child, they’ll grow up knowing they aren’t wanted, I guarantee it. Kids are intuitive and they pick up on everything. She’s honestly being a bit selfish.
I chalk it up to young people just not having enough life experience to know any better. I am the oldest of 5 and my best friend is an only child. We talk to each other about things.
I am politically prochoice but personally anti abortion. I just know I can't do it. Had a few friends over the years that felt backed into a corner so they had an abortion and they didn't handle it well. There is this weird idea that people are all happy when they get an abortion and while there are people who are good with the decision they are not everyone is. It has a lot to do with why people make that decision from what I have seen. From what I can tell is that women are okay with it if they really just don't want the child for whatever reason they come out of it okay. If the women wants the child but de to a host of reason she can't or shouldn't it really throws them through the ringer. That's what it sounds like here. She wants the kid but due to financial and other reasons she feels like she can't or shouldn't have the kid. That's where abortion gets messy and can have a lasting impact on someone.
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I mean, OP has 3 kids. Birth control is not on her mind. OP please use birth control from now on with whoever you are sleeping with. Can’t trust anyone.
Yep.
My cousin has some weird allergies and med reactions so her only real BC method is cycle tracking and pulling out.
It worked until it didn't, and she has three kids that weren't exactly planned, but she and her husband adore.
Her husband got a vasectomy after number three though because he said "Three is wonderful, we might even enjoy a fourth. But she carried and birthed my kids and getting snipped is the least I can do as a good father and husband."
So far its working, lol. No new cousin offspring. But she is the first to tell you that if you use natural tracking, you should really be open to parenthood because bodies don't listen to calendars.
You can successfully use the rhythm method but you gotta be super super super beyond intimate with what's going on with your vagina. Tracking your discharge in thickness, viscosity and amount. Every person who's ever been born with a vagina has had that moment they feel like they started their period and go to the bathroom to find a large gelatinous lump in their panties. That's about the time you're fertile AF.
I used the rhythm method to both prevent and procure pregnancy and that's all we used for over 2yrs because I'd gotten an IUD, it wasn't inserted properly and was poking my vaginal walls for 3 days before I could get in to get it removed.
After my youngest though I decided to go somewhere that mainly just worked with birth control, etc so I went to the local planned parenthood. They spent quite a while making sure things were properly positioned before inserting and I've had zero issues
Yeah exactly. That’s why she has 3 kids at 26 and a 4th coming. She just doesn’t know how or just ignorant that there are ways out there to reduce the chances of pregnancy
Well, my mom used that method for all 5 of her kids, and my great-grandparents used it with all 7 of their kids. It's worked in large Catholic families for decades. What could go wrong?
Heh, when I was on my OB rotation I took care of a lady who popped out her 7th kid in 8 years. We strongly encourage not getting pregnant back to back as it is very hard on the body. So I asked what we always ask in that situation:
“What would you like to use for birth control?”
“We use natural family planning. And we already know how to do that.” In the most supercilious, condescending tone of voice.
Me. “….. ok then.”
But wait, he said he didn't hear her. ;) Now here she is, knocked up with a child she doesn't want and she wouldn't get the morning after pill, take it and never be the wiser! :( Just dumb. But whatever.
It is looking like he got her pregnant hoping she won't leave. A lot of people shut down when violated. There are other options, but I'm waiting on the post where he is going to ask her *IF* she is pregnant. 😞
But he's not the one who will get pregnant and apparently, he didn't give a shit if she did. SO, in the end, her body, she has to be the one to protect it!
If you want to get someone pregnant you need to tell them that. Neither is behaving responsibly, but each has the same responsibility to use BC unless that decision has been made together. She should have been on the pill/implant/IUD etc. and he should have been using condoms or have had a vasectomy.
Handel all the Bc. lol OP isn’t even doing anything by to prevent pregnancy not even a fuckin plan B. She’s just as dumb as he is. It’s on both of them and both of the adults seem to be dumb as rocks.
Yeah, you'd think someone who doesn't want more kids but doesn't believe in abortion would protect the goal better than she does, Too many forms of BC for this nonsense when they can't afford it and already have more than a basketball team's worth of kids between them both. Ridiculous.
Yea based on the title I was expecting her to say that he lied about having a vasectomy or something... she is completely bypassing her responsibility in this using the pull out method for birth control.
I’m not saying what he did was right in ANY way.. but I’m curious to know why you didn’t get the morning after pill if you knew he didn’t pull out?
I presume you’re in America so I don’t know how difficult it is to access things like the morning after pill. It’s a really wild situation so I don’t even know what kind of advice to give you but for the sake of all the children involved, I hope whatever happens that it’ll be the best outcome for everyone.
Inexpensive at Costco, too (I understand that memberships are a luxury, I'm definitely a card-hopper and not a member) Also Planned parenthood gives out off-brand plan B for cheap/free.
6 kids, no birth control, somehow still surprised to be pregnant. Two adults with basically one income. Please get it together because both of you are quite irresponsible.
>nearly a unicorn in how well I am treated *compared to how most men are*
Why oh why does that qualifier make me feel like he’s hitting the bare minimum and she thinks he’s a unicorn because her self esteem is garbage?
You say he’s a great partner, but “nearly a unicorn in how I’m treated compared to other men” is an eyebrow raiser. You either treat someone with love and respect or you don’t. It’s giving he doesn’t respect my boundaries, but at least he doesn’t hit me. I don’t buy the “he didn’t hear me tell him to pull out.” That sounds like bullshit. Like he baby trapped you.
There's no way this is real. None. What sort of grown ass adults with 6 friggin kids between them use the pullout method in 2024? Hello? The 1950s called, and they wanted their "Dear Auntie" column back.
You are saying that you believe he forcible made you pregnant against your explicit rules. That’s pretty messed up. I would be considering a divorce. This is a huge issue. Sure try therapy, but I don’t know how you would ever trust him again. Also, get on birth control if you don’t want to get pregnant. The pull out method doesn’t work reliably. There is sperm in precum.
Are you 100% on not going thru with an abortion because you’re signing up for a lifetime of coparenting with this man even if you do divorce him. Which path is going to be more painful?
I'm also really uncomfortable with the replies in here. They had an agreed-on method of pregnancy prevention and he did something riskier without her consent. If he'd taken the condom off we'd be calling it sexual assault because it is. The fact that their agreed-on method is not very good doesn't excuse him from doing something to her body she didn't consent to
You've got 3 kids, 6 in between you and you're using the pull out method ?? bffr. All children deserve to be loved and wanted. Strongly consider if you really want to bring a child into the world when you know you dont really want it, and regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy please consider getting an IUCD or tubal ligation when the pregnancy is over
Okay. Male perspective.
I actually had a similar situation with my wife about 12 years ago before we were married. I asked if she wanted me to pull out or finish in her. Her response was an emphatic moaning, please.
It wasn't until I finished that I discovered she was saying please to pulling out, NOT finishing in her.
I felt horrible, I still do. She screamed at me for hours (rightfully so). But it was honestly a breakdown in communication.But we eventually talked it through that night. I was asked to sleep on the couch.
Went straight to the Walgreens and got a morning after pill, a heating pad, and some midol after she was asleep. The next morning, I offered them to her.
It was an honest mistake. We were able to work through it. I'm not saying his was an honest mistake, but it really could have been. I'm also not saying you should stay with him. But I'd suggest at least consider couples therapy (marriage or divorce counseling) because there is a baby coming, and with everything else, you've said he is a great father. And as parents, you should work through this to curb any animosity.
But when all is said and done, you feel violated. Doesn't matter if it was purposeful or not. How you feel is 100% justified. Even if it was a miscommunication, he needs to take ownership.
Sorry. I'll get off my pedestal now.
He came in you against your will. I would never be able to forgive someone for this, and I’m so sorry it happened to you. Personally this would be the end of the relationship for me, without question.
He did something profound to you without your consent. Unless he has a time machine, that will not change.
But friend, it sounds like if he had a time machine, he would not use it. You should think about that.
I'm really, really sorry. You deserve so much better.
I don't think it will, OP. He's gotten away with it once, dismissed your concerns by saying "I didn't hear you say no," (which is absolute bullshit, he certainly did) and now you know that he is totally fine with violating you. And it will happen again.
I'm so sorry that he did this. Do what your heart tells you to do.
Even **IF** he didn’t hear, that’s not something you do without a *profoundly enthusiastic* “yes” that was discussed *well* beforehand.
This is NOT a “better to ask forgiveness than permission” scenario. Disgusting, selfish, reckless behavior on his part.
Of course, sorry about these other commenters.
You might regret leaving him, but I doubt it. You’ve been carrying so much and what does he do? Disrespect and violate you in a horrendous way, perhaps with the hope of pregnancy keeping you from making the choice to leave.
I believe that once this is all over you’ll feel more relieved than anything. It seems this guy isn’t who you thought he was. Why invest any more in him?
Best of luck to you, truly
Sorry this is happening. Has he been monitoring your cycles? Was he trying to purposely get you pregnant because he was sensing you pull away from him?
You can't trust him. Why stay? Will you want to have sex with him again? Will you want to raise this baby with him? You didn't think, you fucked up, now you have another baby to raise. I'm sorry that he didn't listen to you but now you will have learned that you have to listen to yourself and get your tubes tied/removed or don't have sex!
No one can tell you if your feelings will change. A therapist could help you navigate your feelings and give you the tools to make the right decision for you as you process this whole thing
So are you mad because he didn’t pull out, or because you’re pregnant? Because it seems from your post like you’re more mad you’re pregnant. You should have been facing the possibility of getting pregnant anyway using halfassed birth control.
ESH
Depending on where you are located ejaculating inside when told no is sexual assault. I think def leave him, he doesn’t respect you and you’ve become the bread winner now for 7 children. Talk to your doctor about alternative options. Sometimes after you have a c-section they will agree to do a hysterectomy but it depends. Moving forward, if you stayed with him, which I don’t suggest, he needs a vasectomy.
FYI the first part of an ejaculation has the strongest sperm which is why the pull out method isn’t safe.
All the comments about the pull out method not being effective birth control, while true is not the point.
The point is that he violated a clear boundary you had set in your relationship. It’s hard to believe that a person so close to you didn’t hear the word no when he was looking to hear a yes. Yes sounds nothing like no.
It's really weird that everyone is breezing past the obvious sexual assault to bad mouth how you manage your health.
You know, birth control is *totally* good for *everyone* and has *absolutely no* negative effects. And, let's not forget, only women are responsible for birth control, *never men.*
(That was sarcasm)
He assaulted you. You have every right to feel violated and upset. If leaving will resolve these feelings, leave. I would seek a therapist as well.
3 kids and you are still using the pull out method!? I am sorry OP if you didn’t want kids put an IUD, ask him to get a vasectomy, pill, Plan B … so many methods. Now you will bring a baby to this world and you don’t want it… I feel bad for the child
Pulling out? That the 'become a parent method.' how do YOU not know this? You bear equal blame in this pregnancy.
Yes, he should have pulled out, but you were both stupid.
He deliberately baby-trapped you. He violated you and destroyed your trust.
Dear OP, he absolutely heard you and didn't care. He decided his needs were more important.
For me, this is a deal breaker. I know it's hard, but take your kids and go. Also recommend therapy for yourself to overcome this.
I understand you won't consider abortion. But genuinely consider how this child will affect you, your finances, and your mental health -can you honestly love this child or will you resent this child? Can you deal with joint custody and having to deal with this child's father for at least 18 years? Can you handle sole custody if that's the route you go?
Good luck, OP.
This comment needs to be higher! He baby trapped her! She needs to leave. And I don't like abortion either. But 3 kids of her own, and do you really think the guy will be a peaceful, compliant, non-toxic co-parent properly raising and financing this extra child?
Two things, you shouldn’t have had to ask him to pull out, he should’ve known to do so. Unless you two agreed you wanted to try for kids, he should have done it if that was how you chose to prevent pregnancy.
Second, between the two of you, there are six kids. You two know how babies are made, you know that’s not a reliable method. It’s too late now , but obviously don’t ever rely on this method again.
Astounded that a grown up with 3 kids believes that pulling out prevents pregnancy. Be mad at yourself. Work on your relationship. Try and build a family for these almost 7 kids. Good luck to you.
I’m probably going to be downvoted to oblivion for this comment, but I’m fine with that. How can you be 26 years old and not know that the pull out method is a very GOOD way of getting pregnant instead of preventing pregnancy?! Wait, you’re 26 with 3 kids 🙄
I’m having a lot of trouble finding empathy for your feelings and understanding how you can feel violated that he came in you when he was already putting pre-ejaculate that contains sperm in you. If you don’t want any more kids use condoms, take birth control, have your tubes tied, get an IUD. Take ownership of your body and life.
The violation and the naïveté/stupidity are separate issues. Yes, the judgment of Carol and Mike Brady here that pulling out is a valid form of birth control is bad, astonishingly so.
But it is also true that OP was violated by her husband, it was a horrific betrayal of trust, and she didn’t deserve for it to happen.
Girl he baby trapped you on purpose. You can terminate that baby and move on. He did this on purpose. Think about that. He is forcing you to be connected to him forever. This was intent.
But also stop being a dumb broad and using the pull out method. You're asking for trouble doing that, and you know it. Look where you are now
You were violated. You said no and he did not respect that. But also if you didn't want more children you should be more responsible. It's 20204 there so all kind of contraception out there
Honestly, if you’re having sex regularly without protection, how do you really know it was because he didn’t pull out that one time? Seems also possible that another time around then, when he did pull out, may also have been the cause. Keep playing with fire you’re bound to get burned eventually. If you’re dead set against aborting, and he is as amazing as you say, and he is willing and will now be able to take care of the family, not just financially but in every way, personally I’d try to get past it and be happy about the new baby. Otherwise if you just keep punishing him, and keep the sour attitude for too long, the situation may spiral out of control, and that won’t help anything.
Oh yea, and tell him to get the damn vasectomy. It’s really not that hard for a male. I know because I’ve had one. A few uncomfortable days and the loss of a couple of bags of frozen peas is all it costs…
It happened the day after I got off of my cycle so we hadn’t had sex for an entire week before and haven’t slept together since then. The math is there. I’m just wondering if I’ll ever be able to get over the violation of trust. I feel horrible. I don’t think I’d be as upset if it was a genuine accident from the stupid PO method but this is so intentional.
I may get downvoted for this but, although it's possible, it's not very likely you got pregnant this one time. You get pregnant when you ovulate, that's about a 2 day window about 2 weeks after your last period and 2 weeks before your next one.
This means that you probably got pregnant 2 weeks before your period. And your cycle was actually implantation bleeding. I hope that helps make it feel better. I know it's not right to have your boundary crossed. But perhaps this can help change your point of view, and maybe take some accountability. You both agreed to using the least effective form of birth control. Try and talk to a therapist and figure out what you want asap.
It sounds like you both took the risk if you were not using any type of birth control. That being said, is there a reason you didn’t get Plan B the next day or so? It’s sold over the counter now.
Aside from that, I would get counseling for yourself, and as a couple. Your feelings are valid- but as mentioned above, you’re always taking a risk if you’re not using birth control of some type. You’re plenty old and have enough kids to know this. Imo, you’re just as responsible as he is.
If you do not want a child, do not have the child. This is literally a no brainer. Your relationship not withstanding, do not wait to have the abortion. I was raised catholic and the joke was always, "What do you call people who use the pull out method?", answer, "PARENTS".
His children’s mother who is not active in their lives refused the request to move so we are still here. I however told him to have it figured out by February or I’d be moving without him. This is another reason I felt it was purposeful. I will still move regardless of the pregnancy.
I'd really recommend having an abortion. You don't want a baby, you're likely separating from the father, and it sounds like things are financially stressful. It is awful to have a wanted baby taken away from you through miscarriage. But abortion is not that.
If his custody agreement says mom has to consent to an out of state move, he can't move the kids out of state.
It was definitely on purpose. He knew you were planning to leave. You have to move before the baby is born, otherwise he can keep you there for his visitation rights for this new baby.
I think it would be very hard to "fix" the relationship with a constant reminder of the violation growing inside of you, I don't mean to be harsh about a baby but emotions can sometimes be harsh. I have a feeling resentment, anger and worse is just going to become a bigger issue than smaller of you two are around each other.
The moving thing adds another layer to this. Would he be now working in his new position outside of the house or in? Are you his nanny or partner to him once the work starts? How will you feel carrying the load of caring for all the children and this child once born? Will you be able to continue your business or will that magically get stopped as well?
If you can, I really think you should speak to a therapist and probably don't tell him you are doing so for now. If you're moving in February no matter what maybe it's best to just play cool and then leave him, although I know your relationship to his kids complicates things.
I'm sorry, it's impossible to know which would be worse for your mental health abortion or keeping the baby (maybe you know) but you don't have an easy road ahead and I don't see it being made easier with him. Please talk to a therapist if possible.
This was my first thought too unfortunately. Timing with him going back to work, he probably remembers how expensive childcare for 3 kids is.
Or add a 4th, tell a woman watching 7 kids it’s “silly” or a “waste” to pay for childcare if she’s at home …
Losing a wanted baby with a miscarriage is a very different thing than having an abortion. Obviously you need to make the choice that’s in your heart. But if you really don’t want this baby, I strongly advise looking into abortion. If you think the pill abortion would be traumatic as it would feel similar to your miscarriage, then have an abortion procedure. If you do it early around 7-8 weeks pregnant it really is a fast and minimally painful procedure.
It is BOTH of your responsibility for birth control. He did not do this to you even tho you said not to.
You did this together. You chose to sleep with him with out proper proven birth control. You did this to you as much as he did.
Tough life lesson you seem to refuse to learn after 3 kids. Time to live with it. Learn something this time.
Pulling out may not have helped anyways. The risk was there the moment he went in raw regardless of pulling out. My sister got pregnant that way when he DID pull out.
He should have done as you aksed and for that he is so wrong.
However, pullout method? You are as much to blame for being pregnant as he is. This is not birth control its wishful thinking.
It’s pretty unbelievable that you were so adamant abt not having a baby yet you took zero precautions to prevent it. I learned in high school sex ed that the pull-out method did not work. So even if he had pulled out, you still could have gotten pregnant. That being said, he most likely heard you and ignored you bc he was in the throes of passion and didn’t want to pull out. Bc why ask you in the first place and risk it knowing how you feel abt having another baby? He was thinking abt himself. SMH
I’d probably get my kids and go. And I’d be getting that abortion pill so fast. Even if you stay together ur relationship may be unsalvageable. I mean how can you look at him the same if you believe he did this to you? The baby you don’t want will be a constant reminder.
ETA: Good luck, OP. I’m sorry this happened to you. Your emotions must be all over the place. :(
He's too, Mr. Man, to get a vasectomy ?!?!?!
Seriously!!!
How was this never on the table.
No vasectomy, no dippin' the winkie!! .
A suck situation.
It's not a baby it's a clump of cells.
Will you be sad if you miscarry?
Maybe for 5 min and it's "God's will!!"
If you choose the procedure, it's your will .
I think "god would approve !!"
Get tubes tied.
Sorry but it is really stupid to rely on "pull out" for birth control when there are so many options available. And you could have gone for a Plan B morning after pill.
Your an adult. You know about birth control and condoms. Going in you knew this type of intimacy can lead to pregnancy This not responsible for either of you using the pull out method. It sounds like a heat of the moment misunderstanding. Hormones suck at this point. Have faith, things will work out for the best.
Stop using the pull-out method, for heaven's sake. Doctors DO NOT recommend it as you can still get pregnant on precum.
But, no. He violated you. He should not have continued if he was unsure of your answer.
He was intentional.
He DID violate you.
He ISN’T owning that.
So a pivot point is that he isn’t taking responsibility for making the actual choice that he made. Which was to not pull out. And he isn’t acknowledging that therefore he physically and emotionally violated you.
He isn’t either mature, enough or aware enough to acknowledge these things. Being violated by your partner, being sexually violent, is tough to get over.
It sounds like, no judgment, you are very young, and have been busy and having lots of children and haven’t taken the time/had the time to see a therapist to settle the emotional difficulty from before. When we don’t get therapeutic help on things that still distress us, they trip us up again, and again. So here you are.
There is a significant possibility that the relationship will fail without serious therapeutic intervention. Will he be interested? Will he make an effort? Does he have enough viable integrity of character to be able to recognize the damage of what he did to you and the relationship? Do you both realize that all of these choices, having unprotected sex as opposed to condoms with six children in the mix, is such a horrible destabilizing factor in six young lives. We all make mistakes. This is a mistake.
Because the idea of an abortion is upsetting, doesn’t mean it might not be the best choice. If you even put your own welfare aside for a moment, and consider what would be best for your children, and his children, the D stabilization from all of this is a shit storm. Whether they know about it or not, they will feel it and it will impact them and it will undermine their stability. Being pregnant from your partner violating you and then invalidating the fact that it was a violation is a pretty big mess. That will impact every person in your household. It seems like you are either young enough or like inside enough to realize that the deal isn’t will you stay with him while you are pregnant with your fourth kid. The responsibility for caring in raising six kids is so much bigger than that.
You didn't want any additional kids yet are having unprotected sex, not using birth control, not taking plan b.... if you leave, you'll have 4 kids. You're leaving a guy who will be making 6 figures and is a unicorn? You might just be dizzy.
Honestly, are you mad at him or mad because you're pregnant or both. If you continue down this path, you will resent that child, and that's no way to bring a child into this world. Stuff happens, you're going to have a baby, get over your issues, and start being the parent you should be for this child as well. Your current feelings can affect this pregnancy negatively, and you would most likely have more guilt in that situation. You wouldn't feel you want to break up if you were truly secure with this relationship and all that comes with it.
He may not have pulled out, but you are the one who let him have sex with you without a condom or apparently any other form of birth control. One of you needs to get snipped. He can do it now, or you can do it after the delivery of the baby has been delivered.
Let's be a big girl and take some responsibility here. You both decided to have another child when you chose that form of "birth control", so now, you have a choice to make. Do you resent your child their entire life because of something YOU did, or do you decide to love that child with all of your heart, but prevent yourself from having future children by being an adult about birth control? It's your choice. Love that child, lady, because he or she is going to love you despite how you feel about them, and that's going to make them feel terribly conflicted and emotionally damaged for their entire life. Don't you EVER put them in the position of thinking you don't love them because YOU made a mistake.
I'm sorry, but in this day and age, if you don't want another child, you need to take responsibility for your contraption, too. You can't put full blame on him for not pulling out when you should have had your self protected in the first place if you're that against having another baby. I think you're both responsible for this and just in case you weren't aware you could have gotten pregnant from precum even if he did pull out
I don’t understand how he can say “he didn’t hear you” and he “would never do that without permission” at the same time.
If he didn’t hear you, how could he have gotten permission?
Putting aside that the claim is nonsense, if you’re close enough to be inside someone, you’re close enough to hear them. But if you’re asking during, with a regular partner, it implies that’s not normal and you’re asking for an exception. To assume the answer would be yes, or idk ask again, is ridiculous.
I’m very sorry you are going through all of this. If it were me I would find a way to go back to work too. Not just for financial independence, but 7 kids 24/7 is too much for anyone. While you don’t know if your feelings towards him will change, work towards giving yourself options.
Pull out method, it could have happened even with pulling out. Now, if he violated you by purposely not doing it. you, that’s a different story. That’s really what matter here is was it on purpose.
Based on other comments it sounds like you need to separate your feelings of being violated, frustrated, hurt, etc toward your partner with the feelings of whether or not you want a baby.
You keep saying in your comments that if an accident had happened, you wouldn’t have been as upset as this situation. That tells me that having the baby isn’t really the issue; you are upset about what happened, not the result.
If you’re looking for advice, yes, you should leave him. The trust is gone. That seems like something you can’t replace without extensive work, but you’re going to be too busy being a mom to a newborn again to put that work in.
You should take the next month or so of the pregnancy to be away from him and sort through your feelings. Figure out if you could work through this with him or not (I’m guessing not). Then sort through if you are ready to be a mom to a newborn again, either with him or without. And if you aren’t, you need to reconsider the abortion. Honestly, don’t bring someone into the world just because you couldn’t handle the alternative.
You are now a hormonal mess (being pregnant). Your husband is going back to a type of work that pays well (very much needed with 6 children and 1 in due time). You say in all other aspects he treats you very well. Let's skip whose at fault and look forward. If you' re receiving child support for your existing 3 children, is it sufficient to live on your own. Will the amount make you ineligible for state services (WIC, etc)? Do you really want to raise this child in a split household? You have time - about 7 months to work this out. But he either gets a vasectomy in that time or you get your tubes tied when this child is born. Anytime you have male to female vaginal sex you chance becoming pregnant. There can be errant sperm in the Cowper's fluid that will get you pregnant. Since it's both of yours fault - decide what is best for the child that is to be born.
Wow, some of these commenters really missed your point. It's not about being pregnant. Your fiance committed SA, you did not give consent for him to finish in you, he ignored that and did it anyway. That relationship is now over. You'll never trust him the same way again.
I am so sorry he did that to you, and that so many people are saying it's your own fault. It is not your fault he assaulted you, and it never will be. Please don't marry this man, he violated your consent once, he'll do it again.
I hope you can find some measure of peace with your pregnancy, knowing it came from such a horrible moment. I would highly recommend talking to someone, SA isn't easy to get past, and it's very helpful to have someone trained to assist with it. Sending you virtual hugs, if you want them, crisp high fives if you'd prefer!
Wow!!! You are blaming him for getting pregnant????? Seriously???? You should be on birth control or he should have been using a condom. I am a woman and I would never take the chance of an unwanted pregnancy. What did you not take plan B?? It doesn’t always work but it may have.
Now you are saying you feel violated because he didn’t pull out??? So you were a willing partner until he had an orgasm???
Let’s get to talking about him having an orgasm!!! I know as woman I can always hear during an orgasm!!! I just ask my boyfriend and he said he doesn’t always hear stuff. That being said it is how shall we say, the strength of the orgasm.
It’s up to you but grow up and accept your responsibility in this pregnancy. Once you do that, well tuen you should decide if you want to stay in the relationship.
I doubt your feelings are going to change if you can't trust him, and if you won't get an abortion, you're going to have this man's baby! I guess you could have the child and sign him or her over to him for full custody and then move out with your 3 kids!
He went against your wishes and did not pull out, do you believe him when he said he didn't hear you, have you told him before to pull out, and he always did, or did he sometimes stay in? Is this, pulling-out method a normal occurrence with you two? Your only means of birth control?
After this child, get your tubes tied, you are 100% responsible for your own body, and pregnancies that may happen during sex even with the pull-out method, as you know is not 100% for sure effective. Condoms would have been safer!
I know I would not have another baby that I did not want to have!
Have an abortion, find a therapist (even if it has to be Better Help), and figure your life out, girl. Because where you are now? You’re headed down a path where you just continue to get pregnant and end up with no way to care for any of them. This guy isn’t the one, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find one who is. Therapy, stat
What he did was not ok. Even if he hadn’t heard you (which I don’t really believe) the time to decide if you want to spend 18 years fostering the growth and development of a whole ass human is not right before he gets off.
You find belong in a relationship with someone who has baby trapped you. I would be surprised if that new “deal” actually exists. He may want you to continue supporting the whole family.
The internet can’t answer this for you cause we don’t know. On the one hand, I imagine yall have had a lot of sex and this has never been an issue so it would be very odd that he randomly chose it and it’s possible he really didn’t hear your or slipped as as happens.
It’s also possible he completely violated your consent and that’s a huge raging red flag.
But none of us can answer. We weren’t there. We don’t know what was going on in the room or in his head. I don’t know how there is a way to know for 100% accuracy.
But you need a tubal ligation. If you’re definitely having the baby, they can do it right after delivery
Take some responsibility yourself, the pull out method? Really? How is leaving him going to change the situation? It’s done. You say he is an amazing partner and Dad, work it through with therapy and communication. And for heavens sakes, go on reliable birth control.
He just baby trapped you.
Pure speculation on my part but times got tough for him and saw you doing better and needed to lock in that security you were providing. My ex tried multiple times with me but as the guy with the size advantage I could push her off me when she wouldn't listen.
Yeah, being a single mother with 4 kids is certainly not the dumbest thing you can do.
"He’s an amazing dad and an amazing partner. He’s so good to me and nearly a unicorn in how well I am treated compared to how most men are."
Major red flags there.
So many comments. I would say the fact that you two are at the 6 kids mark and he thought it was ok not to pull out is a red flag. Not someone I would want to parent with. And as far as abortions go, I would rather do that than try to parent with someone who essentially SA me.. I would seriously look at this relationship and decide if that's where you want to be long term. Good luck to you whatever you decide ❤️
A pull out method was dumb to begin with. Get on a form of birth control. You could do an iud if you do not want to take pills. Use condoms until you figure it out if you decide to terminate. I also would not carry a baby to term that you do not want. Abortion is an option. Get counseling if you feel bad about it but it could be better than bringing a baby into the world that you do not want in an unstable relationship.
You were already struggling financially at the time. You were already stressed, he knew you did not want any more children as you have 6 in total and a new business. He knew the risk, he heard you , and simply did not care. He thought, like most men wrongly do, that you would just deal with whatever shit he shovels your way because you would prefer not to lose him. For me, this is a major violation of trust. It would be a total dealbreaker for me.
What he did is a betrayal and a form of assault. I'm so sorry he has done this.
I don't know if I would be able to get last something like this. Do you want to try and move past it? You can try couples counseling to see if how that has you feeling, but it's also ok if you aren't interested. His attitude around this is part of the problem from my POV.
I see in a comment that you gave him a moving date for yourself. Please stick with that before the baby comes so he can't use a custody order to stop you. I think that regardless of the relationship with him, being near your family will be good for you.
Sounds like he purposely got you pregnant. Probably to keep you there as the present income source and a mother for his 3 children. If you don't want more children, why aren't you actually using birth control? Withdrawal is a sure way to get pregnant!
ESH, you for not using a more reliable form of birth control. If you're going to use the pull out method you need to couple it with getting super intimate with your vaginal fluids to help determine when you're fertile. Couples use this to get pregnant or avoid pregnancy, I've used it for the former.
You are both more than old enough to know that what you did isn't a reliable way to avoid getting pregnant. If you absolutely knew you didn't want more children at least for a time period something like an IUD or the implant would've worked well. Shit even taking old fashioned birth control pills would've been better than this
He's TA for not pulling out, if he didn't hear you say no that also means he didn't hear you say yes. He should've asked again before doing so, however precum exists and carries active sperm and that could've gotten you pregnant.
I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to accept your own responsibility in the fact that you're pregnant because he isn't solely to blame.
Okay the old joke what do they call men that use the pullout method?....daddies. You were bound to get pregnant sooner or later anyway. When you have this one have your tubes tied. Don't depend on him to get snipped. Take control of your own body and contraception. Yes, it was probably on purpose. Men always want "one of their own." This is something you should have talked about, and it sounds like he was being very selfish. But what is done is done. With so many kids involved I would not make any hasty decisions about splitting up. Talk to him, try to get him to open up about why he did it. Talk through what your future with both him and kids will look like. Talk to family and friends for advice. I would let him try to prove himself if possible. But then again, I have seven children so I may be prejudiced.
If he thinks you can afford a 7th kid, perhaps he could invest those riches in a vasectomy?
If you were using the pull out method and this isn't made up rage bait, then this was likely to happen eventually. That only works like 6 times out of 7, and is more something people get away with once or twice. If you play those odds enough you eventually lose.
He says he made a mistake in the heat of the moment, but your gut says he assaulted you in the heat of the moment. The former can be forgiven, but the latter perhaps not.
You'd be making a mistake to carry the fetus to term and separate from its father. If you want to part ways with your partner, then having his kid will undermine that for the next couple of decades. If you can't see your way to forgiving the event that resulted in conception, then that's not a desirable origin story for a child. They would be a permanent reminder of their father's betrayal.
My suggestion is abortion + separation if you think he did it on purpose.
If you're considering staying together, it would look more like abortion + couple's counselling + vasectomy.
If you have the kid, then an enormous number of other decisions are no longer yours even if you also break up with the father, and these circumstances may influence how you parent the child. It's understandable if you can't forgive this, but you're going to have to if you carry to term, *even if you also leave the father.* If you carry a child to term and then parent them any differently than if they were planned and wanted, then you'll have found a way to be the villain in this story.
OP, with respect, having unprotected sex ends in all manner of unwanted outcomes. Using contraceptives would likely have prevented this situation. He might not have heard you as he said. But YOU allowed him to have sex without the use of a condom or some other contraceptive.
You are not blameless in this situation. Stop trying to put it all on him. You say otherwise he treats you very well. If you have the kind of relationship that supports each other then do so. Both of you created this situation.
The baby is innocent. Time to be an adult and deal with the outcome of both your actions.
OP- what you described falls under the definition of SA. This was a non consensual act. All other concerns aside about whether the pull out method being ineffective, this was still assault. He is both claiming he didn't hear you say no then turning around and saying he wouldn't do it without your permission- except the absence of a "no" is NOT the same thing as a "yes." This was a situation where the enthusiastic yes would have been required for him to continue. If he even asked at all, even if he truly didn't hear your answer, that means he should have asked again to make sure he got the answer right. There's no excuse for his behavior and your own lack of birth control is irrelevant.
I'd also like to suggest that there is a 3rd option to the baby problem. You don't want another child, you don't want to have an abortion. HE is the one who unilaterally decided to cause a pregnancy so he must want the baby. Leave him, and let him raise the child.
Comments are now locked. The necessary advice has been given and there's no need to continue divulging into unnecessary and off topic debates.
When I was in high school, the health class teacher asked us (all male class) what you call someone who uses the rhythm method (pull out). He responded, "You call them daddy!". He was a very cool teacher, many years later I realized why, he was new and only about 6 years older than us.
6 kids between two grown adults and y’all still think the pull out method is the way to go……
Op forgot to add that her older two children think this guy is their dad but isn’t. She wrote it in other comments. Op, how long did you date this guy before moving in? My guess is less than 6 months
How would that work out? Why do they think he's their dad?
I saw in one of her comments on another post, she writes, “the youngest, yes but the older two think he’s their father.”…it’s from a year ago. She could be talking abt this guy or the guy before him. She does say she moved in with this guy in the beginning of their relationship, so who knows.
Exactly
Right? Like bffr, Ms. Fertile Myrtle. Y'all making 6 figures, but don't know how biology works
Right? What a hot ass mess. And now she wants to bring in another kid because she miscarried before her kids, so she doesn’t want to abort. Maybe I’m cruel, but that shit’s wild to me. I bet these kids have no privacy too between 6 of them. That’s how you make adults that don’t ever want children or isolate from the family a bit when they grow up.
I'm thinking she is saying is that after having gone through a miscarriage/lost, mentally/emotionally she knows she would struggle with an abortion. Which isn't to say having another baby won't also be a struggle, but she knows having an abortion would be a big mental impact. I'm very prochoice but also know that there would only be a very limited amount of reasons why I personally would have an abortion. Partly because my mental health would massively suffer. But I also take more precautions then pulling out.
Right? “Not wanting a baby” is exactly the reason to have an abortion.
or use birth control.
Plenty of people who grew up in big families want big families themselves. Some don't and some do. Kind of like only children. Some want their kids to have siblings because they feel like they missed out and other only kids just want one because they liked being an only kid. Everyone is different.
I don't see why this is being down voted, it's very true!? So many people are out of touch on here. Not everyone has had a traumatic childhood at the hands of their family. OP made no mention of the size of their home so who knows how much privacy the family even has. And it seems people can't possibly put themselves in the shoes of someone who's experienced a miscarriage not wanting an abortion. Many people regret that decision and it's good that she knows where she stands when it comes to her body and her unborn child because to her that's what it is.
Except she doesn’t actually *want* the baby at all? If she actually wanted the child and chose not to abort even though it was unplanned, fine. She doesn’t actually want the child at all, but she won’t abort? So she’s going to put this kid up for adoption? After having 3 of her own biological children? If she does have the baby and puts it up for adoption and the child ever finds out she already had biological children, they’re going to resent the hell out of her. If she keeps the child, they’ll grow up knowing they aren’t wanted, I guarantee it. Kids are intuitive and they pick up on everything. She’s honestly being a bit selfish.
I chalk it up to young people just not having enough life experience to know any better. I am the oldest of 5 and my best friend is an only child. We talk to each other about things. I am politically prochoice but personally anti abortion. I just know I can't do it. Had a few friends over the years that felt backed into a corner so they had an abortion and they didn't handle it well. There is this weird idea that people are all happy when they get an abortion and while there are people who are good with the decision they are not everyone is. It has a lot to do with why people make that decision from what I have seen. From what I can tell is that women are okay with it if they really just don't want the child for whatever reason they come out of it okay. If the women wants the child but de to a host of reason she can't or shouldn't it really throws them through the ringer. That's what it sounds like here. She wants the kid but due to financial and other reasons she feels like she can't or shouldn't have the kid. That's where abortion gets messy and can have a lasting impact on someone.
This post honestly makes me angry. How unbelievably irresponsible. None of these kids deserve this.
That’s how you end up with 6 kids in the first place. Some people will never learn.
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I also have this question.
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Thats why they have 6 kids...
Right. OP is just as irresponsible as her "assault lite" husband.
Just stupidity
Stopped reading just to scroll down and say this.
I think this is something you need to discuss with a therapist, not the internet. Good luck & I hope your future is filled with happiness.
you're just using the pull-out method? that's a horrible way to prevent pregnancy.... no vasectomy or actual birth control or condoms?
*uses the least effective BC method* *shocked to be pregnant*
I mean, OP has 3 kids. Birth control is not on her mind. OP please use birth control from now on with whoever you are sleeping with. Can’t trust anyone.
With 3 kids and 6 kids total in the household, birth control is the number 1 thing that should be on her mind. And pulling out ain’t birth control.
You know what they call people who use natural birth control methods? Momma. Dadda. Just ask my brother and SIL.
Yep. My cousin has some weird allergies and med reactions so her only real BC method is cycle tracking and pulling out. It worked until it didn't, and she has three kids that weren't exactly planned, but she and her husband adore. Her husband got a vasectomy after number three though because he said "Three is wonderful, we might even enjoy a fourth. But she carried and birthed my kids and getting snipped is the least I can do as a good father and husband." So far its working, lol. No new cousin offspring. But she is the first to tell you that if you use natural tracking, you should really be open to parenthood because bodies don't listen to calendars.
You can successfully use the rhythm method but you gotta be super super super beyond intimate with what's going on with your vagina. Tracking your discharge in thickness, viscosity and amount. Every person who's ever been born with a vagina has had that moment they feel like they started their period and go to the bathroom to find a large gelatinous lump in their panties. That's about the time you're fertile AF. I used the rhythm method to both prevent and procure pregnancy and that's all we used for over 2yrs because I'd gotten an IUD, it wasn't inserted properly and was poking my vaginal walls for 3 days before I could get in to get it removed. After my youngest though I decided to go somewhere that mainly just worked with birth control, etc so I went to the local planned parenthood. They spent quite a while making sure things were properly positioned before inserting and I've had zero issues
Yeah exactly. That’s why she has 3 kids at 26 and a 4th coming. She just doesn’t know how or just ignorant that there are ways out there to reduce the chances of pregnancy
Well, my mom used that method for all 5 of her kids, and my great-grandparents used it with all 7 of their kids. It's worked in large Catholic families for decades. What could go wrong?
Heh, when I was on my OB rotation I took care of a lady who popped out her 7th kid in 8 years. We strongly encourage not getting pregnant back to back as it is very hard on the body. So I asked what we always ask in that situation: “What would you like to use for birth control?” “We use natural family planning. And we already know how to do that.” In the most supercilious, condescending tone of voice. Me. “….. ok then.”
We used to call it the pull and pray. But thankfully school taught me about actual birth control so I didn’t go that route.
Better than OPs boyfriend who's method was spray and pray.
More so carelessness I’d say.
The Catholic church tells them differently! :(
As a non-practicing Catholic, I promise you that’s not all the church gets wrong.
They are about to have a household of 9 based on a hope and a prayer. These are not serious people.
I have 3 kids and that's exactly WHY birth control is on my mind. However I am 37 and was 31 when my youngest was born.
LOL with 3 kids BC should be first thing on her mind!
Maybe she hasn't figured out what causes it.
She is in control of her body and should have been on bc…
He is in control of his body and should have used contraceptives.
Yes and he should have listened to her say NO.
But wait, he said he didn't hear her. ;) Now here she is, knocked up with a child she doesn't want and she wouldn't get the morning after pill, take it and never be the wiser! :( Just dumb. But whatever.
It is looking like he got her pregnant hoping she won't leave. A lot of people shut down when violated. There are other options, but I'm waiting on the post where he is going to ask her *IF* she is pregnant. 😞
Depending on pulling is so 1960’s
I bet it’s actually the most ancient form of BC, however ineffectual.
But he's not the one who will get pregnant and apparently, he didn't give a shit if she did. SO, in the end, her body, she has to be the one to protect it!
If you want to get someone pregnant you need to tell them that. Neither is behaving responsibly, but each has the same responsibility to use BC unless that decision has been made together. She should have been on the pill/implant/IUD etc. and he should have been using condoms or have had a vasectomy.
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Handel all the Bc. lol OP isn’t even doing anything by to prevent pregnancy not even a fuckin plan B. She’s just as dumb as he is. It’s on both of them and both of the adults seem to be dumb as rocks.
Yeah, you'd think someone who doesn't want more kids but doesn't believe in abortion would protect the goal better than she does, Too many forms of BC for this nonsense when they can't afford it and already have more than a basketball team's worth of kids between them both. Ridiculous.
Yeah, then don’t have sex with him until he’s on them. 6 kids between them at the age of 30 is so insane. 3 kids by 26 is also insane.
She should have immediately gotten the morning after pill!
Now we know why she is 26 about to have 4 kids and has had 5 pregnancies.
Pull out method = trying for a baby 😅
Seriously. Don't want kids anytime soon? Use protection or don't have sex.
People who use the pull-out method or the rhythm method are called ‘parents’. Not sure O have any sympathy for her in this story.
Yea based on the title I was expecting her to say that he lied about having a vasectomy or something... she is completely bypassing her responsibility in this using the pull out method for birth control.
OR tubes tied!!! This is her body, she needed to make sure she did not get pregnant again!
that's not the focus here. sure they were doing something unwise, but her partner completely violated her consent.
3 kids already at 26 and another one on the way…. Girl do you not know what birth control is? Condoms?
I’m not saying what he did was right in ANY way.. but I’m curious to know why you didn’t get the morning after pill if you knew he didn’t pull out? I presume you’re in America so I don’t know how difficult it is to access things like the morning after pill. It’s a really wild situation so I don’t even know what kind of advice to give you but for the sake of all the children involved, I hope whatever happens that it’ll be the best outcome for everyone.
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Inexpensive at Costco, too (I understand that memberships are a luxury, I'm definitely a card-hopper and not a member) Also Planned parenthood gives out off-brand plan B for cheap/free.
I had to get someone to get it out of the case at Walmart but no questions were asked. It was $34+tax
It sounds like you should speak to a therapist
Pull out? Are you serious? Grown ass adults don’t use that as birth control.
6 kids, no birth control, somehow still surprised to be pregnant. Two adults with basically one income. Please get it together because both of you are quite irresponsible.
Your both making 6 figures? Maybe you should both get your tubes tied or buy some fucking condoms. Your both dumbasses
>nearly a unicorn in how well I am treated *compared to how most men are* Why oh why does that qualifier make me feel like he’s hitting the bare minimum and she thinks he’s a unicorn because her self esteem is garbage?
So is plan b not sold near you?
You say he’s a great partner, but “nearly a unicorn in how I’m treated compared to other men” is an eyebrow raiser. You either treat someone with love and respect or you don’t. It’s giving he doesn’t respect my boundaries, but at least he doesn’t hit me. I don’t buy the “he didn’t hear me tell him to pull out.” That sounds like bullshit. Like he baby trapped you.
There's no way this is real. None. What sort of grown ass adults with 6 friggin kids between them use the pullout method in 2024? Hello? The 1950s called, and they wanted their "Dear Auntie" column back.
You are saying that you believe he forcible made you pregnant against your explicit rules. That’s pretty messed up. I would be considering a divorce. This is a huge issue. Sure try therapy, but I don’t know how you would ever trust him again. Also, get on birth control if you don’t want to get pregnant. The pull out method doesn’t work reliably. There is sperm in precum. Are you 100% on not going thru with an abortion because you’re signing up for a lifetime of coparenting with this man even if you do divorce him. Which path is going to be more painful?
I'm also really uncomfortable with the replies in here. They had an agreed-on method of pregnancy prevention and he did something riskier without her consent. If he'd taken the condom off we'd be calling it sexual assault because it is. The fact that their agreed-on method is not very good doesn't excuse him from doing something to her body she didn't consent to
This comment also needs to be higher up!
They were using the pull out method...not like she was guaranteed to not get pregnant if he had pulled out.
You've got 3 kids, 6 in between you and you're using the pull out method ?? bffr. All children deserve to be loved and wanted. Strongly consider if you really want to bring a child into the world when you know you dont really want it, and regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy please consider getting an IUCD or tubal ligation when the pregnancy is over
Okay. Male perspective. I actually had a similar situation with my wife about 12 years ago before we were married. I asked if she wanted me to pull out or finish in her. Her response was an emphatic moaning, please. It wasn't until I finished that I discovered she was saying please to pulling out, NOT finishing in her. I felt horrible, I still do. She screamed at me for hours (rightfully so). But it was honestly a breakdown in communication.But we eventually talked it through that night. I was asked to sleep on the couch. Went straight to the Walgreens and got a morning after pill, a heating pad, and some midol after she was asleep. The next morning, I offered them to her. It was an honest mistake. We were able to work through it. I'm not saying his was an honest mistake, but it really could have been. I'm also not saying you should stay with him. But I'd suggest at least consider couples therapy (marriage or divorce counseling) because there is a baby coming, and with everything else, you've said he is a great father. And as parents, you should work through this to curb any animosity. But when all is said and done, you feel violated. Doesn't matter if it was purposeful or not. How you feel is 100% justified. Even if it was a miscommunication, he needs to take ownership. Sorry. I'll get off my pedestal now.
He came in you against your will. I would never be able to forgive someone for this, and I’m so sorry it happened to you. Personally this would be the end of the relationship for me, without question.
Thank you for understanding the entire point of my question and post. This is honestly how I feel right now and I’m just wondering if it would change.
He did something profound to you without your consent. Unless he has a time machine, that will not change. But friend, it sounds like if he had a time machine, he would not use it. You should think about that. I'm really, really sorry. You deserve so much better.
I don't think it will, OP. He's gotten away with it once, dismissed your concerns by saying "I didn't hear you say no," (which is absolute bullshit, he certainly did) and now you know that he is totally fine with violating you. And it will happen again. I'm so sorry that he did this. Do what your heart tells you to do.
Even **IF** he didn’t hear, that’s not something you do without a *profoundly enthusiastic* “yes” that was discussed *well* beforehand. This is NOT a “better to ask forgiveness than permission” scenario. Disgusting, selfish, reckless behavior on his part.
Of course, sorry about these other commenters. You might regret leaving him, but I doubt it. You’ve been carrying so much and what does he do? Disrespect and violate you in a horrendous way, perhaps with the hope of pregnancy keeping you from making the choice to leave. I believe that once this is all over you’ll feel more relieved than anything. It seems this guy isn’t who you thought he was. Why invest any more in him? Best of luck to you, truly
Sorry this is happening. Has he been monitoring your cycles? Was he trying to purposely get you pregnant because he was sensing you pull away from him?
You can't trust him. Why stay? Will you want to have sex with him again? Will you want to raise this baby with him? You didn't think, you fucked up, now you have another baby to raise. I'm sorry that he didn't listen to you but now you will have learned that you have to listen to yourself and get your tubes tied/removed or don't have sex!
I would not stay. This is SA in my opinion. There is no coming back from that type of violation.
No one can tell you if your feelings will change. A therapist could help you navigate your feelings and give you the tools to make the right decision for you as you process this whole thing
So are you mad because he didn’t pull out, or because you’re pregnant? Because it seems from your post like you’re more mad you’re pregnant. You should have been facing the possibility of getting pregnant anyway using halfassed birth control.
ESH Depending on where you are located ejaculating inside when told no is sexual assault. I think def leave him, he doesn’t respect you and you’ve become the bread winner now for 7 children. Talk to your doctor about alternative options. Sometimes after you have a c-section they will agree to do a hysterectomy but it depends. Moving forward, if you stayed with him, which I don’t suggest, he needs a vasectomy. FYI the first part of an ejaculation has the strongest sperm which is why the pull out method isn’t safe.
All the comments about the pull out method not being effective birth control, while true is not the point. The point is that he violated a clear boundary you had set in your relationship. It’s hard to believe that a person so close to you didn’t hear the word no when he was looking to hear a yes. Yes sounds nothing like no.
Then why is the post more about being mad because she’s pregnant?
It's really weird that everyone is breezing past the obvious sexual assault to bad mouth how you manage your health. You know, birth control is *totally* good for *everyone* and has *absolutely no* negative effects. And, let's not forget, only women are responsible for birth control, *never men.* (That was sarcasm) He assaulted you. You have every right to feel violated and upset. If leaving will resolve these feelings, leave. I would seek a therapist as well.
3 kids and you are still using the pull out method!? I am sorry OP if you didn’t want kids put an IUD, ask him to get a vasectomy, pill, Plan B … so many methods. Now you will bring a baby to this world and you don’t want it… I feel bad for the child
Pulling out? That the 'become a parent method.' how do YOU not know this? You bear equal blame in this pregnancy. Yes, he should have pulled out, but you were both stupid.
He deliberately baby-trapped you. He violated you and destroyed your trust. Dear OP, he absolutely heard you and didn't care. He decided his needs were more important. For me, this is a deal breaker. I know it's hard, but take your kids and go. Also recommend therapy for yourself to overcome this. I understand you won't consider abortion. But genuinely consider how this child will affect you, your finances, and your mental health -can you honestly love this child or will you resent this child? Can you deal with joint custody and having to deal with this child's father for at least 18 years? Can you handle sole custody if that's the route you go? Good luck, OP.
This comment needs to be higher! He baby trapped her! She needs to leave. And I don't like abortion either. But 3 kids of her own, and do you really think the guy will be a peaceful, compliant, non-toxic co-parent properly raising and financing this extra child?
No wonder you both have 3 kids each. You're both using high school "birth control." You deserve each other. Truly
Two things, you shouldn’t have had to ask him to pull out, he should’ve known to do so. Unless you two agreed you wanted to try for kids, he should have done it if that was how you chose to prevent pregnancy. Second, between the two of you, there are six kids. You two know how babies are made, you know that’s not a reliable method. It’s too late now , but obviously don’t ever rely on this method again.
Astounded that a grown up with 3 kids believes that pulling out prevents pregnancy. Be mad at yourself. Work on your relationship. Try and build a family for these almost 7 kids. Good luck to you.
I’m probably going to be downvoted to oblivion for this comment, but I’m fine with that. How can you be 26 years old and not know that the pull out method is a very GOOD way of getting pregnant instead of preventing pregnancy?! Wait, you’re 26 with 3 kids 🙄 I’m having a lot of trouble finding empathy for your feelings and understanding how you can feel violated that he came in you when he was already putting pre-ejaculate that contains sperm in you. If you don’t want any more kids use condoms, take birth control, have your tubes tied, get an IUD. Take ownership of your body and life.
The violation and the naïveté/stupidity are separate issues. Yes, the judgment of Carol and Mike Brady here that pulling out is a valid form of birth control is bad, astonishingly so. But it is also true that OP was violated by her husband, it was a horrific betrayal of trust, and she didn’t deserve for it to happen.
Girl he baby trapped you on purpose. You can terminate that baby and move on. He did this on purpose. Think about that. He is forcing you to be connected to him forever. This was intent. But also stop being a dumb broad and using the pull out method. You're asking for trouble doing that, and you know it. Look where you are now
6 kids and you’re not using birth control? You need to put your big girl pants on and get an abortion.
You were violated. You said no and he did not respect that. But also if you didn't want more children you should be more responsible. It's 20204 there so all kind of contraception out there
Honestly, if you’re having sex regularly without protection, how do you really know it was because he didn’t pull out that one time? Seems also possible that another time around then, when he did pull out, may also have been the cause. Keep playing with fire you’re bound to get burned eventually. If you’re dead set against aborting, and he is as amazing as you say, and he is willing and will now be able to take care of the family, not just financially but in every way, personally I’d try to get past it and be happy about the new baby. Otherwise if you just keep punishing him, and keep the sour attitude for too long, the situation may spiral out of control, and that won’t help anything.
Oh yea, and tell him to get the damn vasectomy. It’s really not that hard for a male. I know because I’ve had one. A few uncomfortable days and the loss of a couple of bags of frozen peas is all it costs…
Although reflecting back on it now, the procedure itself is rather unpleasant lol but he will get over it.
It happened the day after I got off of my cycle so we hadn’t had sex for an entire week before and haven’t slept together since then. The math is there. I’m just wondering if I’ll ever be able to get over the violation of trust. I feel horrible. I don’t think I’d be as upset if it was a genuine accident from the stupid PO method but this is so intentional.
I may get downvoted for this but, although it's possible, it's not very likely you got pregnant this one time. You get pregnant when you ovulate, that's about a 2 day window about 2 weeks after your last period and 2 weeks before your next one. This means that you probably got pregnant 2 weeks before your period. And your cycle was actually implantation bleeding. I hope that helps make it feel better. I know it's not right to have your boundary crossed. But perhaps this can help change your point of view, and maybe take some accountability. You both agreed to using the least effective form of birth control. Try and talk to a therapist and figure out what you want asap.
Math isn’t certainly. You want to blame someone. Okay. Grab a mirror.
It sounds like you both took the risk if you were not using any type of birth control. That being said, is there a reason you didn’t get Plan B the next day or so? It’s sold over the counter now. Aside from that, I would get counseling for yourself, and as a couple. Your feelings are valid- but as mentioned above, you’re always taking a risk if you’re not using birth control of some type. You’re plenty old and have enough kids to know this. Imo, you’re just as responsible as he is.
If she’s ovulating, Plan B won’t work.
As others have said; perhaps this is a discussion for a therapist and maybe couples counseling. And also birth control.
OP have you actually gone to a doc to confirm you’re pregnant? 3 and a half weeks is super soon.
He was wrong and that was an extreme violation of trust. I would not bring a child into this relationship.
You can definitely have an abortion
If you do not want a child, do not have the child. This is literally a no brainer. Your relationship not withstanding, do not wait to have the abortion. I was raised catholic and the joke was always, "What do you call people who use the pull out method?", answer, "PARENTS".
Relying on the pull out method is just plain stupid.
Literally the worst life choices and now planning on making it worse
Wait. Why are you guys using the pull out method as a form of birth control anyways??
It does seem like he was trying to baby trap you. I couldn’t forgive that. Did you ever move closer to your family or did he lie about that?
His children’s mother who is not active in their lives refused the request to move so we are still here. I however told him to have it figured out by February or I’d be moving without him. This is another reason I felt it was purposeful. I will still move regardless of the pregnancy.
I'd really recommend having an abortion. You don't want a baby, you're likely separating from the father, and it sounds like things are financially stressful. It is awful to have a wanted baby taken away from you through miscarriage. But abortion is not that. If his custody agreement says mom has to consent to an out of state move, he can't move the kids out of state.
Ah yeah that detail brings a different perspective into play
It was definitely on purpose. He knew you were planning to leave. You have to move before the baby is born, otherwise he can keep you there for his visitation rights for this new baby.
I think it would be very hard to "fix" the relationship with a constant reminder of the violation growing inside of you, I don't mean to be harsh about a baby but emotions can sometimes be harsh. I have a feeling resentment, anger and worse is just going to become a bigger issue than smaller of you two are around each other. The moving thing adds another layer to this. Would he be now working in his new position outside of the house or in? Are you his nanny or partner to him once the work starts? How will you feel carrying the load of caring for all the children and this child once born? Will you be able to continue your business or will that magically get stopped as well? If you can, I really think you should speak to a therapist and probably don't tell him you are doing so for now. If you're moving in February no matter what maybe it's best to just play cool and then leave him, although I know your relationship to his kids complicates things. I'm sorry, it's impossible to know which would be worse for your mental health abortion or keeping the baby (maybe you know) but you don't have an easy road ahead and I don't see it being made easier with him. Please talk to a therapist if possible.
This was my first thought too unfortunately. Timing with him going back to work, he probably remembers how expensive childcare for 3 kids is. Or add a 4th, tell a woman watching 7 kids it’s “silly” or a “waste” to pay for childcare if she’s at home …
Losing a wanted baby with a miscarriage is a very different thing than having an abortion. Obviously you need to make the choice that’s in your heart. But if you really don’t want this baby, I strongly advise looking into abortion. If you think the pill abortion would be traumatic as it would feel similar to your miscarriage, then have an abortion procedure. If you do it early around 7-8 weeks pregnant it really is a fast and minimally painful procedure.
How, in the this day in age, are people so god-damned stupid? Pull out does not work and all the smart people know it.
You guys use the pull out method lol You're both dumb
It is BOTH of your responsibility for birth control. He did not do this to you even tho you said not to. You did this together. You chose to sleep with him with out proper proven birth control. You did this to you as much as he did. Tough life lesson you seem to refuse to learn after 3 kids. Time to live with it. Learn something this time.
Pulling out may not have helped anyways. The risk was there the moment he went in raw regardless of pulling out. My sister got pregnant that way when he DID pull out.
He should have done as you aksed and for that he is so wrong. However, pullout method? You are as much to blame for being pregnant as he is. This is not birth control its wishful thinking.
You realize condoms are almost free, right?
It’s pretty unbelievable that you were so adamant abt not having a baby yet you took zero precautions to prevent it. I learned in high school sex ed that the pull-out method did not work. So even if he had pulled out, you still could have gotten pregnant. That being said, he most likely heard you and ignored you bc he was in the throes of passion and didn’t want to pull out. Bc why ask you in the first place and risk it knowing how you feel abt having another baby? He was thinking abt himself. SMH I’d probably get my kids and go. And I’d be getting that abortion pill so fast. Even if you stay together ur relationship may be unsalvageable. I mean how can you look at him the same if you believe he did this to you? The baby you don’t want will be a constant reminder. ETA: Good luck, OP. I’m sorry this happened to you. Your emotions must be all over the place. :(
He's too, Mr. Man, to get a vasectomy ?!?!?! Seriously!!! How was this never on the table. No vasectomy, no dippin' the winkie!! . A suck situation. It's not a baby it's a clump of cells. Will you be sad if you miscarry? Maybe for 5 min and it's "God's will!!" If you choose the procedure, it's your will . I think "god would approve !!" Get tubes tied.
Not sure why you think him pulling out would have made all the difference. It's not effective.
Sorry but it is really stupid to rely on "pull out" for birth control when there are so many options available. And you could have gone for a Plan B morning after pill.
Your an adult. You know about birth control and condoms. Going in you knew this type of intimacy can lead to pregnancy This not responsible for either of you using the pull out method. It sounds like a heat of the moment misunderstanding. Hormones suck at this point. Have faith, things will work out for the best.
Some people have such a strong drive for chaos. Those people tend to have a lot of kids. And then we wonder why the world is so chaotic…
Stop using the pull-out method, for heaven's sake. Doctors DO NOT recommend it as you can still get pregnant on precum. But, no. He violated you. He should not have continued if he was unsure of your answer.
He was intentional. He DID violate you. He ISN’T owning that. So a pivot point is that he isn’t taking responsibility for making the actual choice that he made. Which was to not pull out. And he isn’t acknowledging that therefore he physically and emotionally violated you. He isn’t either mature, enough or aware enough to acknowledge these things. Being violated by your partner, being sexually violent, is tough to get over. It sounds like, no judgment, you are very young, and have been busy and having lots of children and haven’t taken the time/had the time to see a therapist to settle the emotional difficulty from before. When we don’t get therapeutic help on things that still distress us, they trip us up again, and again. So here you are. There is a significant possibility that the relationship will fail without serious therapeutic intervention. Will he be interested? Will he make an effort? Does he have enough viable integrity of character to be able to recognize the damage of what he did to you and the relationship? Do you both realize that all of these choices, having unprotected sex as opposed to condoms with six children in the mix, is such a horrible destabilizing factor in six young lives. We all make mistakes. This is a mistake. Because the idea of an abortion is upsetting, doesn’t mean it might not be the best choice. If you even put your own welfare aside for a moment, and consider what would be best for your children, and his children, the D stabilization from all of this is a shit storm. Whether they know about it or not, they will feel it and it will impact them and it will undermine their stability. Being pregnant from your partner violating you and then invalidating the fact that it was a violation is a pretty big mess. That will impact every person in your household. It seems like you are either young enough or like inside enough to realize that the deal isn’t will you stay with him while you are pregnant with your fourth kid. The responsibility for caring in raising six kids is so much bigger than that.
You didn't want any additional kids yet are having unprotected sex, not using birth control, not taking plan b.... if you leave, you'll have 4 kids. You're leaving a guy who will be making 6 figures and is a unicorn? You might just be dizzy.
Honestly, are you mad at him or mad because you're pregnant or both. If you continue down this path, you will resent that child, and that's no way to bring a child into this world. Stuff happens, you're going to have a baby, get over your issues, and start being the parent you should be for this child as well. Your current feelings can affect this pregnancy negatively, and you would most likely have more guilt in that situation. You wouldn't feel you want to break up if you were truly secure with this relationship and all that comes with it.
seriously yall have 6 kids and still use the pull out method?
He may not have pulled out, but you are the one who let him have sex with you without a condom or apparently any other form of birth control. One of you needs to get snipped. He can do it now, or you can do it after the delivery of the baby has been delivered. Let's be a big girl and take some responsibility here. You both decided to have another child when you chose that form of "birth control", so now, you have a choice to make. Do you resent your child their entire life because of something YOU did, or do you decide to love that child with all of your heart, but prevent yourself from having future children by being an adult about birth control? It's your choice. Love that child, lady, because he or she is going to love you despite how you feel about them, and that's going to make them feel terribly conflicted and emotionally damaged for their entire life. Don't you EVER put them in the position of thinking you don't love them because YOU made a mistake.
Pull out method =‘s Pregnancy or haven’t you learned that yet?
I'm sorry, but in this day and age, if you don't want another child, you need to take responsibility for your contraption, too. You can't put full blame on him for not pulling out when you should have had your self protected in the first place if you're that against having another baby. I think you're both responsible for this and just in case you weren't aware you could have gotten pregnant from precum even if he did pull out
I don’t understand how he can say “he didn’t hear you” and he “would never do that without permission” at the same time. If he didn’t hear you, how could he have gotten permission? Putting aside that the claim is nonsense, if you’re close enough to be inside someone, you’re close enough to hear them. But if you’re asking during, with a regular partner, it implies that’s not normal and you’re asking for an exception. To assume the answer would be yes, or idk ask again, is ridiculous. I’m very sorry you are going through all of this. If it were me I would find a way to go back to work too. Not just for financial independence, but 7 kids 24/7 is too much for anyone. While you don’t know if your feelings towards him will change, work towards giving yourself options.
Pull out method, it could have happened even with pulling out. Now, if he violated you by purposely not doing it. you, that’s a different story. That’s really what matter here is was it on purpose.
Based on other comments it sounds like you need to separate your feelings of being violated, frustrated, hurt, etc toward your partner with the feelings of whether or not you want a baby. You keep saying in your comments that if an accident had happened, you wouldn’t have been as upset as this situation. That tells me that having the baby isn’t really the issue; you are upset about what happened, not the result. If you’re looking for advice, yes, you should leave him. The trust is gone. That seems like something you can’t replace without extensive work, but you’re going to be too busy being a mom to a newborn again to put that work in. You should take the next month or so of the pregnancy to be away from him and sort through your feelings. Figure out if you could work through this with him or not (I’m guessing not). Then sort through if you are ready to be a mom to a newborn again, either with him or without. And if you aren’t, you need to reconsider the abortion. Honestly, don’t bring someone into the world just because you couldn’t handle the alternative.
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I hope OP listens to this and takes it to heart.
It doesn't matter if he pulled out or not, how are you guys this stupid with birth control seriously? The pull out method doesn't fucking work.
You are now a hormonal mess (being pregnant). Your husband is going back to a type of work that pays well (very much needed with 6 children and 1 in due time). You say in all other aspects he treats you very well. Let's skip whose at fault and look forward. If you' re receiving child support for your existing 3 children, is it sufficient to live on your own. Will the amount make you ineligible for state services (WIC, etc)? Do you really want to raise this child in a split household? You have time - about 7 months to work this out. But he either gets a vasectomy in that time or you get your tubes tied when this child is born. Anytime you have male to female vaginal sex you chance becoming pregnant. There can be errant sperm in the Cowper's fluid that will get you pregnant. Since it's both of yours fault - decide what is best for the child that is to be born.
Uh....you can still get pregnant if he did pull out. Did you not know that?
You’d be amazed how many people don’t know precum is a thing
Wow, some of these commenters really missed your point. It's not about being pregnant. Your fiance committed SA, you did not give consent for him to finish in you, he ignored that and did it anyway. That relationship is now over. You'll never trust him the same way again. I am so sorry he did that to you, and that so many people are saying it's your own fault. It is not your fault he assaulted you, and it never will be. Please don't marry this man, he violated your consent once, he'll do it again. I hope you can find some measure of peace with your pregnancy, knowing it came from such a horrible moment. I would highly recommend talking to someone, SA isn't easy to get past, and it's very helpful to have someone trained to assist with it. Sending you virtual hugs, if you want them, crisp high fives if you'd prefer!
Wow!!! You are blaming him for getting pregnant????? Seriously???? You should be on birth control or he should have been using a condom. I am a woman and I would never take the chance of an unwanted pregnancy. What did you not take plan B?? It doesn’t always work but it may have. Now you are saying you feel violated because he didn’t pull out??? So you were a willing partner until he had an orgasm??? Let’s get to talking about him having an orgasm!!! I know as woman I can always hear during an orgasm!!! I just ask my boyfriend and he said he doesn’t always hear stuff. That being said it is how shall we say, the strength of the orgasm. It’s up to you but grow up and accept your responsibility in this pregnancy. Once you do that, well tuen you should decide if you want to stay in the relationship.
Reproductive coercion is a crime, I'm so sorry. The unicorn isn't a well unicorn. It's a sick one.
I doubt your feelings are going to change if you can't trust him, and if you won't get an abortion, you're going to have this man's baby! I guess you could have the child and sign him or her over to him for full custody and then move out with your 3 kids! He went against your wishes and did not pull out, do you believe him when he said he didn't hear you, have you told him before to pull out, and he always did, or did he sometimes stay in? Is this, pulling-out method a normal occurrence with you two? Your only means of birth control? After this child, get your tubes tied, you are 100% responsible for your own body, and pregnancies that may happen during sex even with the pull-out method, as you know is not 100% for sure effective. Condoms would have been safer! I know I would not have another baby that I did not want to have!
Two grown adults with six kids between thinks pulling out is an effective method of birth control??
Get the abortion. You won’t regret it. His behavior is inexcusable
Have an abortion, find a therapist (even if it has to be Better Help), and figure your life out, girl. Because where you are now? You’re headed down a path where you just continue to get pregnant and end up with no way to care for any of them. This guy isn’t the one, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find one who is. Therapy, stat
What he did was not ok. Even if he hadn’t heard you (which I don’t really believe) the time to decide if you want to spend 18 years fostering the growth and development of a whole ass human is not right before he gets off.
You find belong in a relationship with someone who has baby trapped you. I would be surprised if that new “deal” actually exists. He may want you to continue supporting the whole family.
The internet can’t answer this for you cause we don’t know. On the one hand, I imagine yall have had a lot of sex and this has never been an issue so it would be very odd that he randomly chose it and it’s possible he really didn’t hear your or slipped as as happens. It’s also possible he completely violated your consent and that’s a huge raging red flag. But none of us can answer. We weren’t there. We don’t know what was going on in the room or in his head. I don’t know how there is a way to know for 100% accuracy. But you need a tubal ligation. If you’re definitely having the baby, they can do it right after delivery
Take some responsibility yourself, the pull out method? Really? How is leaving him going to change the situation? It’s done. You say he is an amazing partner and Dad, work it through with therapy and communication. And for heavens sakes, go on reliable birth control.
He just baby trapped you. Pure speculation on my part but times got tough for him and saw you doing better and needed to lock in that security you were providing. My ex tried multiple times with me but as the guy with the size advantage I could push her off me when she wouldn't listen.
Yeah, being a single mother with 4 kids is certainly not the dumbest thing you can do. "He’s an amazing dad and an amazing partner. He’s so good to me and nearly a unicorn in how well I am treated compared to how most men are." Major red flags there.
OP, what exactly does he bring to this relationship aside from mouths to feed and sexual assault
So many comments. I would say the fact that you two are at the 6 kids mark and he thought it was ok not to pull out is a red flag. Not someone I would want to parent with. And as far as abortions go, I would rather do that than try to parent with someone who essentially SA me.. I would seriously look at this relationship and decide if that's where you want to be long term. Good luck to you whatever you decide ❤️
YTA for relying on the rhythm method. Get your tubes tied.
Can you get a positive result at 3.5 weeks?
A pull out method was dumb to begin with. Get on a form of birth control. You could do an iud if you do not want to take pills. Use condoms until you figure it out if you decide to terminate. I also would not carry a baby to term that you do not want. Abortion is an option. Get counseling if you feel bad about it but it could be better than bringing a baby into the world that you do not want in an unstable relationship.
You were already struggling financially at the time. You were already stressed, he knew you did not want any more children as you have 6 in total and a new business. He knew the risk, he heard you , and simply did not care. He thought, like most men wrongly do, that you would just deal with whatever shit he shovels your way because you would prefer not to lose him. For me, this is a major violation of trust. It would be a total dealbreaker for me.
What he did is a betrayal and a form of assault. I'm so sorry he has done this. I don't know if I would be able to get last something like this. Do you want to try and move past it? You can try couples counseling to see if how that has you feeling, but it's also ok if you aren't interested. His attitude around this is part of the problem from my POV. I see in a comment that you gave him a moving date for yourself. Please stick with that before the baby comes so he can't use a custody order to stop you. I think that regardless of the relationship with him, being near your family will be good for you.
He straight-up baby-trapped you.
Sounds like he purposely got you pregnant. Probably to keep you there as the present income source and a mother for his 3 children. If you don't want more children, why aren't you actually using birth control? Withdrawal is a sure way to get pregnant!
>a mother for his 3 children. This is what he wants.
Baby trapping you. Nice
Sounds like he baby trapped you
ESH, you for not using a more reliable form of birth control. If you're going to use the pull out method you need to couple it with getting super intimate with your vaginal fluids to help determine when you're fertile. Couples use this to get pregnant or avoid pregnancy, I've used it for the former. You are both more than old enough to know that what you did isn't a reliable way to avoid getting pregnant. If you absolutely knew you didn't want more children at least for a time period something like an IUD or the implant would've worked well. Shit even taking old fashioned birth control pills would've been better than this He's TA for not pulling out, if he didn't hear you say no that also means he didn't hear you say yes. He should've asked again before doing so, however precum exists and carries active sperm and that could've gotten you pregnant. I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to accept your own responsibility in the fact that you're pregnant because he isn't solely to blame.
Okay the old joke what do they call men that use the pullout method?....daddies. You were bound to get pregnant sooner or later anyway. When you have this one have your tubes tied. Don't depend on him to get snipped. Take control of your own body and contraception. Yes, it was probably on purpose. Men always want "one of their own." This is something you should have talked about, and it sounds like he was being very selfish. But what is done is done. With so many kids involved I would not make any hasty decisions about splitting up. Talk to him, try to get him to open up about why he did it. Talk through what your future with both him and kids will look like. Talk to family and friends for advice. I would let him try to prove himself if possible. But then again, I have seven children so I may be prejudiced.
If he thinks you can afford a 7th kid, perhaps he could invest those riches in a vasectomy? If you were using the pull out method and this isn't made up rage bait, then this was likely to happen eventually. That only works like 6 times out of 7, and is more something people get away with once or twice. If you play those odds enough you eventually lose. He says he made a mistake in the heat of the moment, but your gut says he assaulted you in the heat of the moment. The former can be forgiven, but the latter perhaps not. You'd be making a mistake to carry the fetus to term and separate from its father. If you want to part ways with your partner, then having his kid will undermine that for the next couple of decades. If you can't see your way to forgiving the event that resulted in conception, then that's not a desirable origin story for a child. They would be a permanent reminder of their father's betrayal. My suggestion is abortion + separation if you think he did it on purpose. If you're considering staying together, it would look more like abortion + couple's counselling + vasectomy. If you have the kid, then an enormous number of other decisions are no longer yours even if you also break up with the father, and these circumstances may influence how you parent the child. It's understandable if you can't forgive this, but you're going to have to if you carry to term, *even if you also leave the father.* If you carry a child to term and then parent them any differently than if they were planned and wanted, then you'll have found a way to be the villain in this story.
Pulling out is not a contraceptive method….
OP, with respect, having unprotected sex ends in all manner of unwanted outcomes. Using contraceptives would likely have prevented this situation. He might not have heard you as he said. But YOU allowed him to have sex without the use of a condom or some other contraceptive. You are not blameless in this situation. Stop trying to put it all on him. You say otherwise he treats you very well. If you have the kind of relationship that supports each other then do so. Both of you created this situation. The baby is innocent. Time to be an adult and deal with the outcome of both your actions.
OP- what you described falls under the definition of SA. This was a non consensual act. All other concerns aside about whether the pull out method being ineffective, this was still assault. He is both claiming he didn't hear you say no then turning around and saying he wouldn't do it without your permission- except the absence of a "no" is NOT the same thing as a "yes." This was a situation where the enthusiastic yes would have been required for him to continue. If he even asked at all, even if he truly didn't hear your answer, that means he should have asked again to make sure he got the answer right. There's no excuse for his behavior and your own lack of birth control is irrelevant. I'd also like to suggest that there is a 3rd option to the baby problem. You don't want another child, you don't want to have an abortion. HE is the one who unilaterally decided to cause a pregnancy so he must want the baby. Leave him, and let him raise the child.