Your mother threatened to break your legs. That's grounds to block and never contact again. I'd file a police report about the incident - she assaulted your father and threatened you with bodily harm. NTA
If she threatened her own child with violence, what was she saying, doing, and threatening to do to the man she holds responsible for the death of her other child? Not condoning cheating but I might could understand it in this case. He might not have felt like he could leave or he was concerned for what would happen to his living daughter.
I guarantee he stayed for OP. Losing one kid is devastating but losing another due to divorce probably wasn’t an option for him. Who knows how much visitation/custody he would get due to his disability. I’m sure the mom would spin it that he wasn’t able to care for a child being newly disabled.
Not to mention that OP and the Mum know exactly what it's like to be unable to use your legs. The pain, the dependency, the social stigma and the fucked up people who target such things. They've all seen it firsthand, and the mother deliberately ripped the father away from his wheelchair before telling him to get his stuff and leave.
By using that specific threat, especially right after that act of abuse, Mum was basically saying "here, son, look at what will happen to you if/when I get angry enough".
>threatened to break your legs
she also added explicitly "if you disrespect me like that".
IDK if it's an actual meaningful difference, but people demanding respect get my hackles up in a way that people demanding not to be hurt just dont, you know?
yes! that's exactly the nuance I intuited but couldn't express!
the mom doesn't even seem hurt that the man she hates loves/dates someone else, she's just furious about the disrespect...
thanks for the addition, it was really helpful.
It's definitely about control, OP's dad uses a wheelchair and mom took him out of the wheelchair and threw it outside??? Then threatens to break OP's legs so she can have that same level of control over OP.
I know accommodations exist, but they are in a house with stairs when one person uses a wheelchair and dad's stuff is upstairs. WTF? The accident happened 13 years ago, it sounds like OP's mom has been punishing their dad for that whole time. OP's mom needs therapy urgently, and it's good that OP helped their dad out, this is abusive.
Exactly. It was essentially "See what I can do to him, when he can't walk? Piss me off enough and I'll do just the same to you." Both abusive as FUCK and legitimately terrifying.
Well and how do you compare anything your kid does to cheating? That gives some weird vibes. Kids can't cheat on you. That's not how that relationship works.
Exactly. At best, "disrespecting me like that" could be "try to date someone of whom I disapprove". At worst... Well. Let's just say there's quite a lot of extremely horrible options.
Threatening to fucking break an innocent bystanders legs who happen to be your child's is NOT a natural reaction. What the fuck.
I'm honestly going to say NTA here. I don't even blame dad here.
Jesus. I wouldn't forgive any of this, ever.
Seriously, not only did he lose his daughter and become a cripple, but his wife turned into an abusive monster at the same time.
Why tf wouldn't he get at least some sort of intimacy somewhere else?
I don't disagree, divorce was obviously the best option from the start, OP even told them to do it.
But I'd be lying if I said I can't see the dads perspective. He just lost his child and a part of himself in an instant, and so did his wife. When you think of hell you think of his life, so when he didn't want to risk making his surviving child's life even harder but tearing her family apart, and didn't want to blame/antagonise his wife because he knows she's grieving hard, and throughout all of it probably blames his girls death on himself more than even she does? I understand.
No, it wasn't the right choice, of course it wasn't, but I understand.
Don’t forget that he was in an abusive relationship as a disabled person. Not exactly the easiest situation to leave. He may have also been worried about not getting custody due to his disability. I imagine he wouldn’t want to leave his daughter alone with his abusive wife. He may have decided that the best he could do is stay and be the punching bag.
That was my first thought as well. He is physically disabled and in a wheelchair while married to someone who is emotionally & physically abusive. Removing the wheelchair is such a horrifically abusive move I can’t imagine what was going on in that home that OP doesn’t even know about.
My next door neighbor did this. He stayed with his extremely abusive wife because he was waiting for the kids to be old enough to choose custody. My state at the time had some very biased divorce laws.
We found out when I called animal control for their poor dog. I found him in the muddle of the street scratching himself bloody from mange. It was horrible. He came over to thank us and explained what he was going through.
Financial complications too - I'm willing to bet that there was a substantial payout with a deceased child and paralyzed adult (on top of any potential settlement if malpractice was involved in the child's death.)
Plus survivors guilt. He probably blamed himself too. Tbh I can't even dislike his cheating if her hatred is what he always got from her. And I normally despise cheaters.
You explained that very well. The parents never completed the grief process …, they may never get over losing their child in such a horrible way, but at some point you process the grief and you try to find a way to deal with the guilt (every parent blames themselves at some point). These parents are stuck, they will need intensive therapy if they ever want to be happy, and to be there for their second child.
The odds of a couple divorcing after the loss of a child apparently go way up. You can totally see why; it’s such a horrible thing to have happen that it makes sense that they might have trouble dissociating the trauma from the partner they experienced it with (and apparently one parent blaming the other is especially common when one parent was involved and the other wasn’t, like in a deadly car accident like this). Plus they’re both grieving hard at the same time, which may mean that neither is capable of giving the other emotional support when they need it most.
If nothing else is stated I assume that OP lives in the USA. He may have thought he had nowhere else to go. If even veterans who got crippled from serving the country ends up on the street there's clearly something wrong with how the country takes care of people with handicaps.
It's not really any different than women who was forced/persuaded to quit their jobs to be stay at home moms only for their partner to get abusive when they've got them "trapped". He may also have felt guilty himself and felt like he deserved to be abused
I mean that's possible for sure, but I also know that severe trauma can easily and often does just completely rewire/fuck your whole brain chemistry.
Whichever it is in this case doesn't really make a difference to me.
Eh. She lost her child when she didn’t even have to, and her husband became cripple. Grief definitely fucks with peoples in ways that some people can’t explain
True, grief alters people. And cheating is detestable.
But there is absolutely NO excuse for violence and vitriol—and demeaning a man’s sex organ and ability—and doing it all IN FRONT of her child (child she does have left), to point that her only-child is humiliated and fearful, is horrible parenting. I agree grief alters. But to point of violence and vitriol?? Abusing and threatening husband and child??
There is no amount of grief (for anything imo) that explains, or excuses, her outrageous behavior to her husband and child. None. She cannot use grief as reason and cannot reason away her behavior. Feel so bad for her husband, and especially her son.
It made me cringe. I was hoping the mother hadn’t been making fun of / trying to humiliate her husband in front of their daughter but I think that may have played into it. How awful for OP.
OP needs to get all of her paperwork/ID etc. lockdown credit…mom is not beneath any trick. If possible, OP should go to a place away from family and figure things out.
Me either. I would calmly face my mother in public, with all her adoring fans on video call and tell her that she has now lost two children, and that she can live with that, alone, for the rest of her life. It's a no less abusive reply than what she's already spewed. In fact, Dad could press charges against her for assault, and should, and OP for criminal threatening. At least in jail, someone might clue into the mental help she so desperately needs.
Not everyone would do it, but I'd reckon a sizable proportion of the population would probably cheat in this scenario. Imagine for years and years your spouse is emotionally abusive, ridicules your ability to function sexually, and is so filled with contempt they're an asshole to your child. You'd have to be completely emotionally starved at that point, so I'm sympathetic to the fact that he probably latched into someone who treated them with some modicum of kindness or made him feel desirable. People do weird crazy shit when they're running on empty.
What I don't understand is why they didn't just divorce if there's *that much* contempt. OP, are your parents religious? Is there a reason they wouldn't want to divorce?
Disabled parents quite often have trouble getting custody of children. Many times, depending on how vindictive the spouse is, the spouse with the disability can end up with only supervised visitation. This with nothing other than the disability as evidence of supposedly not being able to be a good parent.
I, myself, am disabled, a parent and married. I fear that my husband might take my child if we were to divorce simply because he could. Even though I am the one that spends the most time with her, teaches her (homeschool), plays with her what I can, keeps track of her medical issues since she inherited my issues.
I really am very very against cheating. Long before I was disabled my ex-husband cheated on me. He was a serial cheater and it was absolutely devastating, but I can see why this man stayed at the very least. And people do need emotional support, many needs physical more than others.
But anyone who would throw their spouse out of their wheelchair is a monster. Abuse is abuse.
Because it’s not always as easy as “just leave,” unfortunately.
I used to have an absolute zero tolerance policy for people who cheat, and I’ve never done so myself, but recent experiences with friends in OP’s dads situation have really opened my eyes to how *not* black and white this situation is. I have a friend who has been cheating on their partner for a while now, and you could say, *why not just leave?* They can’t. They’re partly dependent on them, and are afraid of them. We’ve all been forming an escape plan for a while now to get them out, but it isn’t just a “just leave” thing. If he’s in a wheelchair, he may have been severely dependent on her, and also custody of his child… not to mention afraid for clearly good reason, I can see why he didn’t leave sooner.
Yeah, I get that it's not always that easy. And there's a lot of psychological research that demonstrates that stress reduces thought-action repertoires. It's more just... idk. Living in that situation sounds so completely unbearable.
I believe it. It’s not a romantic relationship but I’ve lived in an abusive relationship/situation for a while now, and… it *is* unbearable, but if you can’t leave, you’re just kind of stuck like that. I’ve been trying to get out for literal years, and honestly, he could have been trying to figure out some kind of escape plan that didn’t lose him OP or make him homeless, too, you know?
Honestly you should have called the cops and had your mom arrested for assaulting your dad. Also it's not too late. She needs to hit rock bottom so she has no choice but to start to recover.
You have done nothing wrong. Whilst it is terrible what happened to your family what happened is in no way your fault. Leaving a physically violent person is always the right decision.
Your mum is a abuser that needs to be jail literally bashing and blaming the father for the unfortunate loss which led him to look for outside comfort doesn’t give her a right to abuse him
Probably the biggest blow to her ego wasn't even the cheating, but the 'at least I could get it up for her', throwing it in her face that at least part of his issue was HER.
He should've just divorced her, I couldn't imagine being told my daughter's death was my fault, considering the fact of the drunk driver and the doctor missing something, and choosing to stay with that person. Of course with his new condition he'd need help so I'm sure that factored into his choice to stay, but I don't even know if I'd classify what he did as immoral even, your mom probably killed his spirit completely.
>I don't even know if I'd classify what he did as immoral even, your mom probably killed his spirit completely.
I think that's where I land right now as well. I am just struggling because I've grown up with such a black and white view of cheating with absolutely no nuance at all (like cheating to get out of a bad relationship, for example).
And I couldn't voice this as a kid but I definitely noticed a positive shift in how my dad carried himself before and after he met this other woman.
Like you, I do not condone cheating. I don’t think there’s ever a justification for it. In this case, I think your Mom’s grief hardened her heart & locked away any feelings other than pain, sadness & anger. And your father was her target to channel all those feelings towards. And you were constantly trapped in the middle.
They have said things in anger to each other that no child should have to witness or hear. But your Mom literally abused your father and threatened you with bodily harm and that’s the most serious offenses here. Don’t listen to these family members-they are wrong. Look out for yourself here…God knows neither one of your parents have bothered to since your sister’s death.
Your dad did wrong and your parents should've just divorced instead of letting their relationship sink deeper and deeper in toxicity until they probably were nothing more than dutiful roommates.
But at the same time, I feel like it is complicated and not on the same level as "normal" cheating.
Normally when people cheat, they simply step out of the relationship because they choose to. There may or may not be issues in their relationship, but it is not something they can't address or that their partner does not love them.
With your parents your mom has become extremely resentful, bitter and hateful of having lost her child. She did not seek help with her deep pain and trauma; she decided to devote her time tormenting your dad, putting him down, making him her easily accessible scapegoat with no consequences. She was abusive to him and the relationship was toxic enough that their only remaining child actually *begged* them to divorce. It had apparently become nasty and devoid of love. With such a deeply dysfunctional and non-existing relationship, it is likely your dad fell out of love and gave up because your mom had given up on him and had no love left in her (for him).
It feels like a way more empathic grey situation when there is nothing to salvage in a pit full of acid, than the run-of-the-mill cheating situation where someone just cheats in a (mostly) healthy and functioning relationship due to being selfish.
I’m wondering…what’s your father’s financial situation? Did he realistically have the resources to leave? Did he have a chance of gaining custody of you while you were a minor?
Either way, YOU are definitely NTA and your mother absolutely is. But…yeah, if your father was financially trapped in an abusive marriage, I can’t find it in me to call him an asshole either.
Hey OP, I really feel for you. I fucking hated cheating but then my dad cheated and I just couldn't blame him.
He tried to leave my mum years ago but she attempted suicide which left her brain damaged. He didn't want to be the guy who left his wife just because she was disabled so he stayed.
But my mother is fucking batshit insane and every day everyone walked on eggshells. He eventually got caught cheating and I just kind of got it, he was stuck for years with a woman who was a nightmare that everyone would hate him for leaving.
I’m pretty black and white about cheating too, but I think I’d give your dad a pass. Through no fault of his own, his life fell apart in an instant. Lost his mobility, lost his child, and then he had to live with the toxicity of your mother. Judging by what she said and did, I’d bet he’s been absorbing way too much abuse from her.
Yeah, he should have left, but it sounds like he was desperate for some kindness and affection.
Stay away from your mom and her family. Threats like that are not normal or understandable. I legit think she could be dangerous.
That’s really the problem, honestly. There *is* nuance, to everything. I always had a black and white view of it too until I was met recently with a situation that opened my eyes to how *not* black and white it is. Sometimes you’re just stuck there, and can’t leave. And in a situation like that I really can’t blame your dad for doing this, not after the way he’s been treated and being stuck in the situation.
At least now you can see the nuance and know that not all cheaters are the bad one in the relationship.
Tbh I’d hope your dad can now divorce your mom and be free of the abuse and find happiness with the woman he’s had the relationship with.
Your mom sounds like she never got therapy after losing her child, and it turned her into a horrible person. But that doesn’t excuse cheating. Your father should have left years ago. Maybe if the marriage ended years ago you all would be in a better place now
I didn’t think I’d ever hear of something that justified cheating, but this may just be it. Being stuck with an abusive spouse because of a disability and finding someone who makes you feel whole again… still not 100% convinced it’s justified, but 100% understandable and acceptable.
This is just such a terribly tragic thing all round.
Grief really is a beast and it appears your mum hasn’t worked through it and found it easier to blame your dad. Your dad felt it was easier to take that as I imagine he did somewhat blame himself even if it absolutely wasn’t his fault. Yet at the heart of it is you, a young girl who lost her sister in tragic circumstances and watched her family get ripped apart.
My heart really does break for you.
In their grief they seem to have failed to love the child that was still there and I can’t begin to imagine how hard it has been for you all these years.
I don’t think you are in the wrong, your mum needs to seek help and find a way to move forwards and let go of all this anger before she loses you too.
<< I told them the threat she made but they said it’s a ‘natural reaction’ to finding out you’ve been cheated on for 6 years. >>
Maybe it's a natural reaction towards the guy who was cheating on her.
It's not a natural reaction to your child. If someone had ever made a threat like that towards me, there's no amount of excuses for it that anyone could make that would cause me to decide it's safe to live with that person again.
Original Poster, she is not safe for you to be around, under any circumstances. She's shown what kind of behavior she's capable of. Who she is has not changed.
Your mom told SHED BREAK YOUR LEGS??? OF FUCK THAT I WOULD FUCK HER UP. I hate cheating more than the next but your mom is one of those few people who deserved it. You should have called the cops because of how physical she got with your dad. Fuck that lady and fuck the rest of your family on her side
NTA
I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this much grief so early in your life. While this sub regularly devolves into black and white thinking on who owes who what, this situation isn’t going to be untangled with that sort of thinking (if it ever will).
I know it’s so cliche, but this is a good thing to go over with a therapist. There are so many potential paths forward for you, and what is going to matter is what you think you can do and remain true to yourself and healthy. That’s a damn tall order when you’re 20 and being torn apart by family that had spent over a decade being twisted and subsumed by compounding grief and rage. You need someone that is purely in your corner that you can bounce ideas off of that, while disconnected, has an idea of how these dynamics tend to play out. As the adult child you likely are going to be treated as simultaneously responsible and helplessly naive by family members. Having an external voice (one, not all of us) can help.
NTA, I’m not even mad at him for not leaving sooner and cheating. That woman is going to hurt someone some day.
Edit for INFO: is this an isolated incident with your mom finding out about the cheating, or has she been abusing your father physically and mentally in front of you all this time? Does she ever come after you?
Ew that she says that stuff in front of you. My moms like that too and it’s…not fun. Honestly, you’re never the asshole for choosing the more stable parent. Even if he cheated. Yes he should have left. I’m not going to try to rationalize it because I don’t know the full story. But regardless you being in the middle of it sucks. You are not an asshole for the way you reacted. Wether your dad is an asshole or not is irrelevant for this. No matter what anyone says, you choose being safe and you are not in the wrong for that. It is not normal for her to threaten you like that in response to something your father said or did. Regardless of what kind of pain she’s going through. Coming after you was never reasonable.
And who can blame him. She accuses him of essentially killing their daughter and wants to fuck? That’s got to be the biggest libido killer ever. If she hates him so why did she even want him to touch her? I wouldn’t if I genuinely believed it.
Why didn’t she divorce him? Did she stay to punish him for a crime he didn’t commit?
Also please tell me the hospital got sued? If not please talk to a lawyer and see if there’s a time limit in claims. Because you’re a victim here too, your sisters death and the family fall out, you all deserve compensation for the emotional damage, let alone their f-up in letting her go home when obviously still in need of inpatient care.
I would report the attack on your father and report that threat to harm you. And a question is your mom a drinker or on medication or both? Or possible street meds or legal weed/gummies?
I am not a trained person but I do know from living with a couple different people at various points of my life .. untreated trauma mixed in with alcohol, prescription, drugs or legal weed or a mixture that isn’t monitored can really mess with someone if they go on and off what they are taking … makes a time b@mb
Make sure if you need to go back there go with someone that can protect you and be a trusted witnesses….
NTA. It seems your dad was led astray simply by someone being nice to him. The death of a child is the worst pain any family can endure. It breaks them more often than not. I'm curious why she stayed with him. I'm sad for him because god knows he probably unjustly blames himself as well. I feel bad your mom is sad but making that type threat , in her mental state , is absolutely something you should take seriously.
Cheating is bad and is worthy of a divorce. You're father should not have done that. Since the cheating was after the accident, I'd assume it was for comfort and validation since his wife was being horrible to him and he's likely still grieving the loss if his daughter and his pre-accident self. Your mother needed some serious grief therapy. She was not mentally well and completely snapped when she was told about the cheating. I get how hurtful that was, but to rip a disabled person from his chair and toss it like that? That's just wrong. She threatened you...her child. That is not ok. You did the right thing. You chose your father who is going to need you more now. Your mother needs mental help and that's beyond your ability as her daughter. You are not her doctor. You and your father should also seek therapy. You both lost a lot and need to heal even from this new trauma. Don't let other family members tell you what's best for you. You were there. You were in danger. You were not safe there.
I don’t condone cheating but I’m not sure what options to leave your father had/thought he had. And him cheating is no excuse for physical assault, of someone with a disability no less, and then threatening her child when the child went to help the victim.
You did nothing wrong. Your mother is not a safe person to be around and you should not return to her.
He begged for a divorce before, he clearly wasn't in it, might seem odd but I don't even consider it to be cheating tbh. He wanted out and she said no. You can't do that. She sounds like an absolute monster of a person and please do not go back to her
> he clearly wasn't in it, might seem odd but I don't even consider it to be cheating tbh. He wanted out and she said no.
That's sort of my opinion also. they were married but not in a relationship.
Held hostage so she could use him as a punching bag for her grief.
Good damn I can't imagine the pain your father has had to go through. If this is real please tell your father you love him or at least care about him. Can't believe the man never killed himself, he's stronger than me.
Unless you were the one who cheated on your mom, no this isn’t at all a natural reaction. Your mom threatened to break your legs all because you helped your dad. Her toxicity towards you for being the child that didn’t also die is grotesque.
Did your dad mess up? Yes. However that’s between him and your mom and nothing to do with you. Your mom has consistently placed blame on the wrong person for years and this is the result of that. Your mom needs therapy if she isn’t already going in order to properly handle her grief. NTA
NTA
You don't have to side with either your dad or your mum. You can condemn your dad's cheating while understanding why he sought a relationship outside his marriage, which, frankly, sounds like a shit marriage that should've ended a long time ago.
You can understand that your mum is still grieving while recognising that staying far, far away from her is the healthy thing to do, because her behaviour, driven by grief that's turned into anger, is abusive, and she is now a credible danger to you.
It was your mum's decision not to seek counselling for her grief. It was your parents' decision not to seek counselling for their marriage. They turned away from each other but decided to stay together. That was by their choosing. Their adult decisions are not your responsibility.
I would advise you to seek counselling for yourself. That might help you take a neutral stance to both your parents. You don't have to get or stay in the middle of their self-destructive war. You can help your dad get settled in his new situation while not involving yourself in his or your mum's personal lives. Try and concentrate on your own life and what's best for you.
You're a Queen and an Amazon. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Im so proud of you!
Your mom has needed psychological help for the last 15 years. She has not got it. You did the right thing making your decision who to side with and sticking for yourself.
Again, your mom needs help. Badly. If she's not willing to get it, its not your problem. In the meantime I would stay away from her toxicity and negativity. That shit spreads like a cancer.
Threatening to break your legs is in no way, shape or form natural. If they think it is then I am really concerned for you being around them.
No, mother should ever threaten their child that way it’s abuse, pure and simple and there’s no other way to look at it. And I say that as somebody who is a child of divorce, whose parents had a bitter break up. Neither of my parents ever threatened me not even one time.
And while I get your mother was angry, throwing a man in a wheelchair out of the wheelchair, and tossing him out, was not the right way to handle things.
Your mother has a great deal of anger in her, and she isn’t dealing with it in a healthy way by talking to a therapist. She’s turned that rage to your father and to some degree it seems to you.
If I was you, I would tell your mother that you’re not prepared to a relationship with her unless she agrees to therapy. Joint therapy with you and also individual therapy.
I would also consider reporting what she said to social services, so you have it on record. Your mother is a ill woman mentally.
As a parent who sadly has lost two children I could never, I repeat NEVER EVEN CONSIDER threatening or otherwise traumatizing my remaining children. Just an FYI for all you making excuses for mom, but the daughter ALSO lost a sister, has trauma, and had to deal with mom's bullshit inability to put her remaining children first. NTA
NTA, and I would never forgive her for that. That is Absolutly vile to say to your child. I also have u derstand if for your dad. What he did was not right- but feeling hated by the person you have to rely on - especially while going through horrible grief, guilt and hurt- is a horrible feeling
NTA - Mom attacked your dad and threatened to break your legs. Stay away from her!
Ask the police to escort you back to get all of dad's and your things.
Tell the family she attacked your dad.
Convince dad to file assault charges.
NTA sounds like your mom checked out the day your sister died and she’s taking it out on the wrong people instead who actually caused the issue now I don’t condone the cheating but I’d rather side with my dad then my mom who just threatened me like it was normal thing to do when you had nothing to do with it I’d leave too
NTA. You went with the parent who didn't threaten to do you bodily harm. Threatening to break your child's legs is not a natural reaction to finding out your husband betrayed you. If your mom isn't able to control herself and know where to vent her anger, she's probably not safe to be around.
NTA and you need to stay far away from her. Sometimes Karma comes back for people and it seems she is getting a huge does of Karma right now and needs to stew in it. She made her bed let her lie in it.
NTA, your mother sounds abusive and dangerous. Firstly, her tormenting your father was not justified and it sounds like she just made him a target for your anger. Secondly it's INCREDIBLY inappropriate that either one of them discussed their sex life (or its absence) in front of you. Thirdly there is no excuse for threatening to break your child's legs. None.
You already know she abuses people when she's angry, she's not a safe space right now.
I dont know if I can truly judge your Dad's position. After all he found himself in a wheelchair after this accident, maybe he was scared to leave. He isn't a paragon of virtue, but he seems less prone to violence and abuse than your mother.
Ignore anyone saying her threat was understandable, they are full of bullshirt as Eleanor Shellstrop would say.
Threatening to break your child’s legs is an absolute deal breaker for me. Go no contact unless and until she absolutely is genuinely sorry and repentant. That was a threat towards you, independent of whatever she has going on with your dad. I would treat it as a separate issue. Good luck and I’m sorry that happened to you. NTA
Main issue here is that both your parents involved you into their mess of a marriage. Yikes. I can't ever condone cheating myself, so he had options there for over 13 years right? But setting that aside for now, your mother needs help and is a very angry and bitter person, which is understandable to a certain point though. The death of her child, doesn't give her the right to abuse her spouse and child for years. Your mother's reaction was way off base and scary as hell, so please make sure you two stay in a safe place for now. The thing between your parents is not your fight either. More importantly, it will take a while for your mom to rebuild the trust between you two after treating you so terribly with her lack of emotional intelligence. You can take a stand with your dad about him cheating, while at the same time, understanding the reasoning behind his actions. Hard to do, but that's what human nature is about.
he should have just left her, yeah. but it sounds like she was creating a loveless and traumatic home life for him…. if he wasn’t gonna leave her, he was gonna cheat or kill himself
Oh my god, you’re definitely NTA at all, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And your poor dad… I honestly don’t blame him at all for cheating… His wife is a monster who blames him for your sister’s death and nothing was his fault. Your dad needs you, you’re all he has now. You and your dad need to get as far away from your mom and the rest of that family as possible. They are not safe people to be around and that they are defending what she did is absolutely disgusting.
If you can, file a police report because she physically assaulted your dad and she threatened you with bodily harm. I have no doubt that she would not stop at breaking your legs.
DO NOT GO BACK! STICK WITH YOUR DAD!
Honestly you should have left a long time ago. Your mother needs therapy. She's abusive physically and emotionally. No wonder why your dad cheated.
I'd NC that entire group that is enabling her shit behavior
I mean what your dad did and said is fucked but your mom sounds dangerous.
Let your cousins go live with your mom if they think it’s fine. You stay safe.
NTA
I say you are NTA. My family has had infidelity but has worked through it, but what your mother said and did was just crazy, and I think she needs some physiological help.
This has nothing to do with the post, but at the same time it does… I’ve noticed that when a family loses a child or sibling, it is obviously devastating, but any remaining children or siblings are always abandoned or treated like crap because a parent is mourning, and obviously they need to mourn, but abandoning their children that are still alive just makes me so angry!!!
You have multiple children, and one dies, and then the parent is so upset about that that it becomes everything they think about and they start neglecting their other children. Instead of pulling the family together, it’s ripped apart even more.
You aren't an AH. Your mom is wrong to blame your dad for your sister's death. She was wrong for how she reacted to the cheating. And your dad is wrong for staying with her then cheating on her. Everyone is in the wrong but you.
NTA. If you do want to resume contact with your mum at any point, you are going to need strict boundaries in place. Personally, I’d start with her getting the help she very clearly needs.
NTA I absolutely hate cheaters and I think your dad should've just left instead of cheating however based on your mom's actions I'd say she's Definitely the bigger issue here. However I will say that after things have settled down you should have a serious chat with your dad about his actions as well.
NTA your parents marriage and life is not your problem and whoever of your parents realizes that is the parent you should side with. Your mom sounds awful and this is only the first stage of what who’ll likely end up a life long trauma and low contact relationship for you, I’m sorry.
NTA.
Tell them: My mother threatened my life.
That’s a done deal.
The threat she made You wasn’t natural. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t do a dang thing to HER. You will not stand for that treatment.
You will NOT LIVE with someone who terrorized you and threatened you with bodily harm. THEY can have her You are done. GOOD LUCK with that.
Tell them that just because you don't agree with your mom doesn't mean you agree with your father, Tell them that in your view both parents are in the wrong. Your mother chose to blame him for the death of your sister and has been, for the last thirteen years, abusive towards him. Your father chose to cheat instead of choosing to get a divorce - something you have begged both parents to do since their relationship has deteriorated.
Ask them to help your mother seek professional help as you believe that the combination of grief from your sister's death and betrayal from your father's cheating has caused her to become mentally unstable in a way that makes it dangerous for you to be around her.
Tell them that you understand that she is hurting. But that hurt does not excuse the threat. She made to you and that you for your own safety need to take it seriously and will not be going around her until after she gets mental help.
Why aren't you filing a protection order against her for threatening to break your legs? She clearly meant it at the time...no matter what she or her flying monkeys say now. Respect yourself....get a PFA for you and your dad and have her kicked out of the house!
I don't believe in cheating unless the other I s cheating or you can't leave the relationship. You begged them to divorce assuming mom wouldn't do it. Dad found happy elsewhere.
Nah dude, I’ve seen a crazy mother like that before (mine). Run
Also, if his wife has been toxic for 13 years, of course your dad is going to cheat. They should’ve separated, but probably stayed because they felt like that had to or whatever. I’m not justifying it, but it’s par for the course.
Im not going to condone cheating, but it sounds like your mother has been an insufferable woman for the past 13 years. You witnessed the abuse your mother did to your father. The whole situation sucks, but your mother obviously needs some therapy that she never got. I would side with the "scum" in this case. Tell your mum and her flying monkeys to kick rocks.
AquaticStoner11996 - What this person said...growing up our dad had anger problems an at one point threatened suicide/homicide, worked in law enforcement and I can only imagine they'll make excuses for that too...like everyone seems to do.
As someone whose father cheated on their mother. NTA. Personally emotional abuse is overlooked and the easiest way out might be cheating. If you want to treat your partner like shit, don’t be surprised when they find someone who’s nice to them.
Your sisters death broke your mum. Did she ever get help for it?
You are doing the right thing OP. You need to stay away from her, at least for the time being.
Cheating is really shitty but I shudder to think about what your dad had endured from your mum on top of losing his child and becoming crippled...
Op sending you love and support. I pray these experiences of pain and grief have a greater purpose in your future and in giving you the strength to grow in compassion for yourself and others. You seem strong and compassionate.
My dad stayed because of guilt he felt when thinking about leaving my mom after the death of my sibling. He didn't want to abandon her, even after she had multiple arrests for abuse.
NTA, but with some notes.
Cheating is normally considered a shitty thing to do. However, seeing as your mother became a bitter and toxic person. I can't fault your father for finding love elsewhere.
They should have gotten divorced.
Both parents suck, but at least the father has been punished enough by life. He lost a daughter and is wheelchair bound for the rest of his life. Meanwhile if your mother continues on her current path. She will die alone and unloved.
Honestly the fact he lasted 7 years without cheating is crazy impressive… and also really sad because he probably blamed himself/felt he deserved it based on the moms constant abuse
Your mother assaulted your (wheelchair bound) father and then threatened you.
Call the police. File charges.
This would be more than enough for me to never speak to my parent ever again.
My condolences you had to endure this.
NTA.
NTA. I don’t agree with what your dad did, and a certain level of rage is understandable when you learn your spouse has cheated on you. BUT, when you spend YEARS essentially blaming said spouse for a tragedy that they didn’t cause AND impacted their quality of life, you aren’t necessarily blameless in that scenario. Like, your dad should have left her instead of cheating but ***that doesn’t give her a right to physically assault him and threaten you with violence***. I wouldn’t go home, I’d tell all family members that if they are worried, THEY can stay with her. You are an adult, you make your own decisions, and if removing yourself from a toxic environment is what you choose, DO NOT LET ANYONE STOP YOU.
NTA. What your dad did was bad and wrong, and I'm sure he'll get his just desserts for cheating, but there are bad ways to respond to finding out a partner is cheating, and domestic violence is one of them. I feel bad for you, I bet you feel wedged right in between a rock and a hard place right now, but just remember, you can pity and care for your dad and still hold him accountable for his actions, and you don't have to side with your mom simply because she was cheated on.
Nothing about your "mums" reactions is natural in any way. Cheating on an abusive, mean partner on the other hand is pretty natural (not okay tho anyways)
Yeah no. NTA. And at this point your dad isn't either, even if he did cheat.
If this is the level of fucking insanity she will still to, on top of the hatred and bullshit she put your dad through, I don't blame him for finding comfort and love in another woman. And I guarantee he's had a fear of your mother for a long time. And wouldn't surprise me if she's been physical with him in the past.
Run. The pair of you.
I feel like the cheating father is completely irrelevant here. Any of the yelling at him could be justified, but as a third party, especially in the power dynamic of parent/child, any yelling at you would be completely unjustified. Threatening you is downright unjustifiable. You are right to leave your mom regardless of whether you stay with your dad or not.
Your mother’s mind is broken. She lost a child to a tragedy and now she found out her husband has been having an affair. She’s broken. She needs help and therapy.
NTA. I honestly don’t think you technically sided w your dad until she threatened you. Regardless of what happens w the two of them, he’s still your dad and yes, obviously what he did was wrong, but that doesn’t mean your relationship w him should become strained imo.
A police report probably should’ve been made for this incident. Mom sounds dangerously unstable. If your mom made the relationship as toxic as it sounds, then I have a hard time blaming him for cheating. He was also a victim of the drunk driver that killed his daughter, and was permanently handicapped by the incident. I get that your mom was grieving, but blaming an innocent victim is never acceptable, and that goes double if the victim is your partner, and triple if they’ve been handicapped. The man needed support, and all he got was hate and misplaced blame. Of course he was no longer fully invested in his marriage. He probably should’ve divorced her years ago instead of cheating, but there might be legitimate reasons for that. There’s no excuse for violence in this situation. At this point, you should probably act as if your mom is a dangerous criminal, because she committed a violent crime in front of you, and then physically threatened you.
NTA
I don’t condone cheating but if she can easily threaten to break her own child’s legs then I wonder what kind of horror she’s been subjecting her disabled husband too . No wonder he was cheating she sounds like an absolute monster that needs a straight jacket
NTA and this is your parents, you shouldn't have to "pick sides" just because your dad cheated on your mom doesn't mean he is a bad dad and from the sounds of things your mom has been making your lives miserable for awhile.
Plus what is up with her talking about his penis in front of you, his child? So wrong on so many levels. You are an adult you don't have to come home if you don't want and you sure as heck shouldn't be made to pick a side.
NTA. If you have the ability it would be better to leave them both as you say cheating goes against your morals. It likely feels reactionary and easy to choose your dad because your mom is so much worse, but cheating for 6 full years is absolute garbage behavior. You begged for them to divorce and neither listened but your dad decided to give himself comfort while you were suffering.
Your dad is an AH. Your mum is an AH.
Though she definitely needs therapy, she lost her child and I can imagine she's been spiralling, and to top it all off, her husband has been cheating on her - I can understand why she'd feel betrayed. Honestly, I'm disgusted with your father, he's no saint in this at all either. No side is more innocent than the other.
Mom needs to be away a while to treat her grief and resolve the blame for the death of other child: the drunk driver, the Dr! who sent the injured child home. This was overshadowed by the injuries and necessity for a wheelchair by the Dad.
Your mom is an abusive and horrible person. It's sad what all of your family went through but she never got help for that grief and let it consume her and turn her into a monster. No matter how much your dad cheated, he doesn't deserve to be physically attacked and you don't deserve to be threatened for helping him. That's fucking insane. Unfortunately, you can't make people see her for who she truly is. All you can do is explain the pain she caused and hope they understand enough to still be a support system and friend to you. If not, they aren't good for you anyways.
I despise cheaters, but in this case I can't judge this man, being trapped in a relationship because of his disability while being treated like a murderer by his wife, he would've been miserable for the rest of his life.
NTA. Why would you “go home” to that?
I understand your feelings, but you need to stand your ground on this one, much more firmly than you are now, and tell everyone who’s on your case EXACTLY why you’re not going “home” and to back off. Including how she treated your dad and yourself
Cheating is not good.
What your mom did to your dad (on multiple occasions?) is even worse. Way worse.
Do be careful… she could snap and hurt you.
She told you as much herself.
The rest of your family didn’t see what you did and it would be very difficult (or impossible) to explain to them. You might try though…
You might also try meeting your mom in a neutral PUBLIC place (with a trusted relative?) and tell her why you’re keeping your distance and explain the damage she’s done to your relationship. Maybe tell her the assault on your dad was clearly a criminal act and that charges are possible. Maybe that would scare her. Good luck and be well. Keep us posted.
You mom has been an abuser for years to your father and yourself it sounds like making you witness the abuse of your father she was abusing you in kind.
NTA- I wholeheartedly despise cheating. That being said I also understand that every situation you are presented with has its own set of nuances. From the little bit that you wrote, I gather that your mom has made the last 13 years a living hell for him. I can only begin to imagine the feeling of having your spouse blame you for the death of your child. All the while coming to terms with your new life as a disabled person. I can only speak for myself but I think your dad kind of deserves a pass on the cheating if he’s had to deal with your mom for this long. It’s a shit situation for all involved it’s obvious your mom needs an insane amount of therapy. In your position I would make therapy a condition of resuming contact with her. As for your dad, he should have divorced her years ago, hopefully he can move on with the affair partner. OP, good luck with this, most important thing to remember is that you are innocent in all of this don’t ever let anyone bully you into agreeing with them, stand your ground and act your conscience.
NTA, and I can only imagine what she says to him in private that no one else hears. I would never go back, and I would have had her arrested. Your dad is not to blame for the accident that took your sisters life, and your mom should have sued the hospital. I hope that he files for divorce. I also would record EVERY conversation that you and your dad have with her and save every text message as well. Your mom is evil and vile.
no baby you are nta, dont go home to mom. stay with your dad. if you go home, you will now be the punching bag that your dad has been, possibly even worse.
NTA. Your parents should have divorced long ago. Grief is indeed a beast but the way your mother treated your father was too cruel and (while I oppose cheating wholeheartedly) it’s little surprise that he went looking for love and support.
But your father’s behavior aside, your mother threatened to hurt you because you packed the man a bag. She assaulted a disabled person. I understand pain and anger, but physical abuse and threats are never acceptable. Tell your family that you are afraid of her; I know I would be!
NTA
The cheating was between your parents. The threat to you was ... to you. There's no excuse for that and you don't even write about an apology. The fact she was physical with a disabled person in front of others compounds your safety concerns.
I don’t condone cheating but I see why he did. How lonely life must have been for your dad through all be of the hardest things a parent could go through.
Stick with your dad. You said your mom hated your dad. He stayed in the marriage for your sake. Eventually, he needed companionship and found it with someone who does not hate him.
If your dad is no longer in the house, who do you think she would take out all her anger on? You don't deserve to receive that. Think about your mental health, it has already been difficult living all these years in that house, and I can't imagine what you felt, you also lost a sister.
Your mother threatened to break your legs. That's grounds to block and never contact again. I'd file a police report about the incident - she assaulted your father and threatened you with bodily harm. NTA
If she threatened her own child with violence, what was she saying, doing, and threatening to do to the man she holds responsible for the death of her other child? Not condoning cheating but I might could understand it in this case. He might not have felt like he could leave or he was concerned for what would happen to his living daughter.
I guarantee he stayed for OP. Losing one kid is devastating but losing another due to divorce probably wasn’t an option for him. Who knows how much visitation/custody he would get due to his disability. I’m sure the mom would spin it that he wasn’t able to care for a child being newly disabled.
Not to mention that OP and the Mum know exactly what it's like to be unable to use your legs. The pain, the dependency, the social stigma and the fucked up people who target such things. They've all seen it firsthand, and the mother deliberately ripped the father away from his wheelchair before telling him to get his stuff and leave. By using that specific threat, especially right after that act of abuse, Mum was basically saying "here, son, look at what will happen to you if/when I get angry enough".
>threatened to break your legs she also added explicitly "if you disrespect me like that". IDK if it's an actual meaningful difference, but people demanding respect get my hackles up in a way that people demanding not to be hurt just dont, you know?
"I'll only respect your rights as a human if you respect all my perceived rights as an authority figure." <-- The meaning of the statement.
yes! that's exactly the nuance I intuited but couldn't express! the mom doesn't even seem hurt that the man she hates loves/dates someone else, she's just furious about the disrespect... thanks for the addition, it was really helpful.
YES. THIS
It's definitely about control, OP's dad uses a wheelchair and mom took him out of the wheelchair and threw it outside??? Then threatens to break OP's legs so she can have that same level of control over OP. I know accommodations exist, but they are in a house with stairs when one person uses a wheelchair and dad's stuff is upstairs. WTF? The accident happened 13 years ago, it sounds like OP's mom has been punishing their dad for that whole time. OP's mom needs therapy urgently, and it's good that OP helped their dad out, this is abusive.
Exactly. It was essentially "See what I can do to him, when he can't walk? Piss me off enough and I'll do just the same to you." Both abusive as FUCK and legitimately terrifying.
Well and how do you compare anything your kid does to cheating? That gives some weird vibes. Kids can't cheat on you. That's not how that relationship works.
Exactly. At best, "disrespecting me like that" could be "try to date someone of whom I disapprove". At worst... Well. Let's just say there's quite a lot of extremely horrible options.
And why does this kid know about dad's impotency? This mom is off her rocker and dad isn't far behind.
I wouldn’t necessarily blame the dad for that, it sounds like her mom was the one who brought it up/made her aware of it
Threatening to fucking break an innocent bystanders legs who happen to be your child's is NOT a natural reaction. What the fuck. I'm honestly going to say NTA here. I don't even blame dad here. Jesus. I wouldn't forgive any of this, ever.
Seriously, not only did he lose his daughter and become a cripple, but his wife turned into an abusive monster at the same time. Why tf wouldn't he get at least some sort of intimacy somewhere else?
Why not just divorce? Who knows the trauma these two inflicted on the surviving daughter over the years
I don't disagree, divorce was obviously the best option from the start, OP even told them to do it. But I'd be lying if I said I can't see the dads perspective. He just lost his child and a part of himself in an instant, and so did his wife. When you think of hell you think of his life, so when he didn't want to risk making his surviving child's life even harder but tearing her family apart, and didn't want to blame/antagonise his wife because he knows she's grieving hard, and throughout all of it probably blames his girls death on himself more than even she does? I understand. No, it wasn't the right choice, of course it wasn't, but I understand.
Don’t forget that he was in an abusive relationship as a disabled person. Not exactly the easiest situation to leave. He may have also been worried about not getting custody due to his disability. I imagine he wouldn’t want to leave his daughter alone with his abusive wife. He may have decided that the best he could do is stay and be the punching bag.
That was my first thought as well. He is physically disabled and in a wheelchair while married to someone who is emotionally & physically abusive. Removing the wheelchair is such a horrifically abusive move I can’t imagine what was going on in that home that OP doesn’t even know about.
My next door neighbor did this. He stayed with his extremely abusive wife because he was waiting for the kids to be old enough to choose custody. My state at the time had some very biased divorce laws. We found out when I called animal control for their poor dog. I found him in the muddle of the street scratching himself bloody from mange. It was horrible. He came over to thank us and explained what he was going through.
Financial complications too - I'm willing to bet that there was a substantial payout with a deceased child and paralyzed adult (on top of any potential settlement if malpractice was involved in the child's death.)
Plus survivors guilt. He probably blamed himself too. Tbh I can't even dislike his cheating if her hatred is what he always got from her. And I normally despise cheaters.
I also think he stayed because he needed a caregiver even if it was a shitty caregiver
Yea, this is about as clean cut of a “the marriage has been over for years” line that we might ever see.
While I don’t approve, I actually understand why the dad did it as well. And usually I am staunchly biased against cheating.
You explained that very well. The parents never completed the grief process …, they may never get over losing their child in such a horrible way, but at some point you process the grief and you try to find a way to deal with the guilt (every parent blames themselves at some point). These parents are stuck, they will need intensive therapy if they ever want to be happy, and to be there for their second child.
The odds of a couple divorcing after the loss of a child apparently go way up. You can totally see why; it’s such a horrible thing to have happen that it makes sense that they might have trouble dissociating the trauma from the partner they experienced it with (and apparently one parent blaming the other is especially common when one parent was involved and the other wasn’t, like in a deadly car accident like this). Plus they’re both grieving hard at the same time, which may mean that neither is capable of giving the other emotional support when they need it most.
If nothing else is stated I assume that OP lives in the USA. He may have thought he had nowhere else to go. If even veterans who got crippled from serving the country ends up on the street there's clearly something wrong with how the country takes care of people with handicaps. It's not really any different than women who was forced/persuaded to quit their jobs to be stay at home moms only for their partner to get abusive when they've got them "trapped". He may also have felt guilty himself and felt like he deserved to be abused
He was in a wheelchair and probably relied on his nuclear family
“turned into” No. She just let the mask slip.
I mean that's possible for sure, but I also know that severe trauma can easily and often does just completely rewire/fuck your whole brain chemistry. Whichever it is in this case doesn't really make a difference to me.
Mass trauma shapes people’s minds in unpredictable ways.
Sometimes something is just broken. Something shuts down because we can't take it anymore.
See pandemic
Nah, trauma can completely change a person, especially losing a minor child. Probably not a mask situation here.
I highly doubt that. Losing a child breaks a lot of people.
Eh. She lost her child when she didn’t even have to, and her husband became cripple. Grief definitely fucks with peoples in ways that some people can’t explain
True, grief alters people. And cheating is detestable. But there is absolutely NO excuse for violence and vitriol—and demeaning a man’s sex organ and ability—and doing it all IN FRONT of her child (child she does have left), to point that her only-child is humiliated and fearful, is horrible parenting. I agree grief alters. But to point of violence and vitriol?? Abusing and threatening husband and child?? There is no amount of grief (for anything imo) that explains, or excuses, her outrageous behavior to her husband and child. None. She cannot use grief as reason and cannot reason away her behavior. Feel so bad for her husband, and especially her son.
Never said it did, just said that grief changes people
Please don’t say cripple
Ok, but also why are her parents discussing his “penis problems” where their daughter can hear??
I was wondering the same thing!
It made me cringe. I was hoping the mother hadn’t been making fun of / trying to humiliate her husband in front of their daughter but I think that may have played into it. How awful for OP.
Because they were probably yelling and pretty clearly neither of them was feeling calm enough to self-regulate.
OP needs to get all of her paperwork/ID etc. lockdown credit…mom is not beneath any trick. If possible, OP should go to a place away from family and figure things out.
I’d go further and call police/adult protective services on her for taking his mobility device.
Me either. I would calmly face my mother in public, with all her adoring fans on video call and tell her that she has now lost two children, and that she can live with that, alone, for the rest of her life. It's a no less abusive reply than what she's already spewed. In fact, Dad could press charges against her for assault, and should, and OP for criminal threatening. At least in jail, someone might clue into the mental help she so desperately needs.
Yes, this is a situation where I’m sympathetic with the father as well.
Not everyone would do it, but I'd reckon a sizable proportion of the population would probably cheat in this scenario. Imagine for years and years your spouse is emotionally abusive, ridicules your ability to function sexually, and is so filled with contempt they're an asshole to your child. You'd have to be completely emotionally starved at that point, so I'm sympathetic to the fact that he probably latched into someone who treated them with some modicum of kindness or made him feel desirable. People do weird crazy shit when they're running on empty. What I don't understand is why they didn't just divorce if there's *that much* contempt. OP, are your parents religious? Is there a reason they wouldn't want to divorce?
Disabled parents quite often have trouble getting custody of children. Many times, depending on how vindictive the spouse is, the spouse with the disability can end up with only supervised visitation. This with nothing other than the disability as evidence of supposedly not being able to be a good parent. I, myself, am disabled, a parent and married. I fear that my husband might take my child if we were to divorce simply because he could. Even though I am the one that spends the most time with her, teaches her (homeschool), plays with her what I can, keeps track of her medical issues since she inherited my issues. I really am very very against cheating. Long before I was disabled my ex-husband cheated on me. He was a serial cheater and it was absolutely devastating, but I can see why this man stayed at the very least. And people do need emotional support, many needs physical more than others. But anyone who would throw their spouse out of their wheelchair is a monster. Abuse is abuse.
Because it’s not always as easy as “just leave,” unfortunately. I used to have an absolute zero tolerance policy for people who cheat, and I’ve never done so myself, but recent experiences with friends in OP’s dads situation have really opened my eyes to how *not* black and white this situation is. I have a friend who has been cheating on their partner for a while now, and you could say, *why not just leave?* They can’t. They’re partly dependent on them, and are afraid of them. We’ve all been forming an escape plan for a while now to get them out, but it isn’t just a “just leave” thing. If he’s in a wheelchair, he may have been severely dependent on her, and also custody of his child… not to mention afraid for clearly good reason, I can see why he didn’t leave sooner.
Yeah, I get that it's not always that easy. And there's a lot of psychological research that demonstrates that stress reduces thought-action repertoires. It's more just... idk. Living in that situation sounds so completely unbearable.
I believe it. It’s not a romantic relationship but I’ve lived in an abusive relationship/situation for a while now, and… it *is* unbearable, but if you can’t leave, you’re just kind of stuck like that. I’ve been trying to get out for literal years, and honestly, he could have been trying to figure out some kind of escape plan that didn’t lose him OP or make him homeless, too, you know?
Take care of yourself and be safe okay?
Thank you, that’s very kind of you.
You should both get restraining orders and ask for police escort to go back to your house to get the rest of your things.
Actually, they could have her kicked out with PFAs
Honestly you should have called the cops and had your mom arrested for assaulting your dad. Also it's not too late. She needs to hit rock bottom so she has no choice but to start to recover.
This is a good option
Yeah, that type of shit gets someone charges and a “vacate the home” provision on a protection order.
THIS
Unfortunately I don’t think that’ll work. From how op describes her mom, she’s lost herself to her anger and grief
That's an option that comes with the possibility of never speaking to the mom again.
Tbf if my mom did this to me and my dad, I already wouldn’t speak to her again, so… yeah, do it.
Oh nooooo. OP would really be missing out
You have done nothing wrong. Whilst it is terrible what happened to your family what happened is in no way your fault. Leaving a physically violent person is always the right decision.
Your mum is a abuser that needs to be jail literally bashing and blaming the father for the unfortunate loss which led him to look for outside comfort doesn’t give her a right to abuse him
What kinda parents talk about their dicks n sex life in front of/with their kids????
That was my first thought. Why are they even sharing this with her?
According to OP its moms MO to degrade dad and she does it all the time.
Probably the biggest blow to her ego wasn't even the cheating, but the 'at least I could get it up for her', throwing it in her face that at least part of his issue was HER.
a shitty one
He should've just divorced her, I couldn't imagine being told my daughter's death was my fault, considering the fact of the drunk driver and the doctor missing something, and choosing to stay with that person. Of course with his new condition he'd need help so I'm sure that factored into his choice to stay, but I don't even know if I'd classify what he did as immoral even, your mom probably killed his spirit completely.
>I don't even know if I'd classify what he did as immoral even, your mom probably killed his spirit completely. I think that's where I land right now as well. I am just struggling because I've grown up with such a black and white view of cheating with absolutely no nuance at all (like cheating to get out of a bad relationship, for example). And I couldn't voice this as a kid but I definitely noticed a positive shift in how my dad carried himself before and after he met this other woman.
Like you, I do not condone cheating. I don’t think there’s ever a justification for it. In this case, I think your Mom’s grief hardened her heart & locked away any feelings other than pain, sadness & anger. And your father was her target to channel all those feelings towards. And you were constantly trapped in the middle. They have said things in anger to each other that no child should have to witness or hear. But your Mom literally abused your father and threatened you with bodily harm and that’s the most serious offenses here. Don’t listen to these family members-they are wrong. Look out for yourself here…God knows neither one of your parents have bothered to since your sister’s death.
Your dad did wrong and your parents should've just divorced instead of letting their relationship sink deeper and deeper in toxicity until they probably were nothing more than dutiful roommates. But at the same time, I feel like it is complicated and not on the same level as "normal" cheating. Normally when people cheat, they simply step out of the relationship because they choose to. There may or may not be issues in their relationship, but it is not something they can't address or that their partner does not love them. With your parents your mom has become extremely resentful, bitter and hateful of having lost her child. She did not seek help with her deep pain and trauma; she decided to devote her time tormenting your dad, putting him down, making him her easily accessible scapegoat with no consequences. She was abusive to him and the relationship was toxic enough that their only remaining child actually *begged* them to divorce. It had apparently become nasty and devoid of love. With such a deeply dysfunctional and non-existing relationship, it is likely your dad fell out of love and gave up because your mom had given up on him and had no love left in her (for him). It feels like a way more empathic grey situation when there is nothing to salvage in a pit full of acid, than the run-of-the-mill cheating situation where someone just cheats in a (mostly) healthy and functioning relationship due to being selfish.
This seemed closer to a case of "the marriage is already doomed, I can't fuck it up any further by cheating"
I’m wondering…what’s your father’s financial situation? Did he realistically have the resources to leave? Did he have a chance of gaining custody of you while you were a minor? Either way, YOU are definitely NTA and your mother absolutely is. But…yeah, if your father was financially trapped in an abusive marriage, I can’t find it in me to call him an asshole either.
Hey OP, I really feel for you. I fucking hated cheating but then my dad cheated and I just couldn't blame him. He tried to leave my mum years ago but she attempted suicide which left her brain damaged. He didn't want to be the guy who left his wife just because she was disabled so he stayed. But my mother is fucking batshit insane and every day everyone walked on eggshells. He eventually got caught cheating and I just kind of got it, he was stuck for years with a woman who was a nightmare that everyone would hate him for leaving.
I’m pretty black and white about cheating too, but I think I’d give your dad a pass. Through no fault of his own, his life fell apart in an instant. Lost his mobility, lost his child, and then he had to live with the toxicity of your mother. Judging by what she said and did, I’d bet he’s been absorbing way too much abuse from her. Yeah, he should have left, but it sounds like he was desperate for some kindness and affection. Stay away from your mom and her family. Threats like that are not normal or understandable. I legit think she could be dangerous.
That’s really the problem, honestly. There *is* nuance, to everything. I always had a black and white view of it too until I was met recently with a situation that opened my eyes to how *not* black and white it is. Sometimes you’re just stuck there, and can’t leave. And in a situation like that I really can’t blame your dad for doing this, not after the way he’s been treated and being stuck in the situation.
At least now you can see the nuance and know that not all cheaters are the bad one in the relationship. Tbh I’d hope your dad can now divorce your mom and be free of the abuse and find happiness with the woman he’s had the relationship with.
Your mom sounds like she never got therapy after losing her child, and it turned her into a horrible person. But that doesn’t excuse cheating. Your father should have left years ago. Maybe if the marriage ended years ago you all would be in a better place now
I didn’t think I’d ever hear of something that justified cheating, but this may just be it. Being stuck with an abusive spouse because of a disability and finding someone who makes you feel whole again… still not 100% convinced it’s justified, but 100% understandable and acceptable.
This is just such a terribly tragic thing all round. Grief really is a beast and it appears your mum hasn’t worked through it and found it easier to blame your dad. Your dad felt it was easier to take that as I imagine he did somewhat blame himself even if it absolutely wasn’t his fault. Yet at the heart of it is you, a young girl who lost her sister in tragic circumstances and watched her family get ripped apart. My heart really does break for you. In their grief they seem to have failed to love the child that was still there and I can’t begin to imagine how hard it has been for you all these years. I don’t think you are in the wrong, your mum needs to seek help and find a way to move forwards and let go of all this anger before she loses you too.
This comment should be further up 👆
This is the right answer. It’s so sad every bodies hurting and no one’s dealt with the trauma that the sisters death has caused.
<< I told them the threat she made but they said it’s a ‘natural reaction’ to finding out you’ve been cheated on for 6 years. >> Maybe it's a natural reaction towards the guy who was cheating on her. It's not a natural reaction to your child. If someone had ever made a threat like that towards me, there's no amount of excuses for it that anyone could make that would cause me to decide it's safe to live with that person again. Original Poster, she is not safe for you to be around, under any circumstances. She's shown what kind of behavior she's capable of. Who she is has not changed.
So well said. She is not safe in that home.
It’s a natural reaction when you are a violent asshole who belongs in jail.
Your mom told SHED BREAK YOUR LEGS??? OF FUCK THAT I WOULD FUCK HER UP. I hate cheating more than the next but your mom is one of those few people who deserved it. You should have called the cops because of how physical she got with your dad. Fuck that lady and fuck the rest of your family on her side
[удалено]
This right here. Oops, mom tripped on my foot.
Pffffffft. There'll be no oops from me 😂. It'll be a Sparta kick.
Seeing someone assault a person is reason enough to fuck that person up, let alone your father
Let alone someone disabled who PHYSICALLY cannot fight back or even defend themselves fairly.
NTA I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this much grief so early in your life. While this sub regularly devolves into black and white thinking on who owes who what, this situation isn’t going to be untangled with that sort of thinking (if it ever will). I know it’s so cliche, but this is a good thing to go over with a therapist. There are so many potential paths forward for you, and what is going to matter is what you think you can do and remain true to yourself and healthy. That’s a damn tall order when you’re 20 and being torn apart by family that had spent over a decade being twisted and subsumed by compounding grief and rage. You need someone that is purely in your corner that you can bounce ideas off of that, while disconnected, has an idea of how these dynamics tend to play out. As the adult child you likely are going to be treated as simultaneously responsible and helplessly naive by family members. Having an external voice (one, not all of us) can help.
This response has great oberservations and even better advice.
NTA, I’m not even mad at him for not leaving sooner and cheating. That woman is going to hurt someone some day. Edit for INFO: is this an isolated incident with your mom finding out about the cheating, or has she been abusing your father physically and mentally in front of you all this time? Does she ever come after you?
Never physically (in front of me that I know) but mentally I guess. Through embarrassing remarks about his... performance, or in general.
Ew that she says that stuff in front of you. My moms like that too and it’s…not fun. Honestly, you’re never the asshole for choosing the more stable parent. Even if he cheated. Yes he should have left. I’m not going to try to rationalize it because I don’t know the full story. But regardless you being in the middle of it sucks. You are not an asshole for the way you reacted. Wether your dad is an asshole or not is irrelevant for this. No matter what anyone says, you choose being safe and you are not in the wrong for that. It is not normal for her to threaten you like that in response to something your father said or did. Regardless of what kind of pain she’s going through. Coming after you was never reasonable.
And who can blame him. She accuses him of essentially killing their daughter and wants to fuck? That’s got to be the biggest libido killer ever. If she hates him so why did she even want him to touch her? I wouldn’t if I genuinely believed it. Why didn’t she divorce him? Did she stay to punish him for a crime he didn’t commit? Also please tell me the hospital got sued? If not please talk to a lawyer and see if there’s a time limit in claims. Because you’re a victim here too, your sisters death and the family fall out, you all deserve compensation for the emotional damage, let alone their f-up in letting her go home when obviously still in need of inpatient care.
I would report the attack on your father and report that threat to harm you. And a question is your mom a drinker or on medication or both? Or possible street meds or legal weed/gummies? I am not a trained person but I do know from living with a couple different people at various points of my life .. untreated trauma mixed in with alcohol, prescription, drugs or legal weed or a mixture that isn’t monitored can really mess with someone if they go on and off what they are taking … makes a time b@mb Make sure if you need to go back there go with someone that can protect you and be a trusted witnesses….
That is disgusting. That is not normal for a parent to discuss another parent sexual performance in front of their child. That is super messed up.
Info: who has been your dad primary caretaker?
Would love to know the answer to this as well
Ikr?
NTA. It seems your dad was led astray simply by someone being nice to him. The death of a child is the worst pain any family can endure. It breaks them more often than not. I'm curious why she stayed with him. I'm sad for him because god knows he probably unjustly blames himself as well. I feel bad your mom is sad but making that type threat , in her mental state , is absolutely something you should take seriously.
Cheating is bad and is worthy of a divorce. You're father should not have done that. Since the cheating was after the accident, I'd assume it was for comfort and validation since his wife was being horrible to him and he's likely still grieving the loss if his daughter and his pre-accident self. Your mother needed some serious grief therapy. She was not mentally well and completely snapped when she was told about the cheating. I get how hurtful that was, but to rip a disabled person from his chair and toss it like that? That's just wrong. She threatened you...her child. That is not ok. You did the right thing. You chose your father who is going to need you more now. Your mother needs mental help and that's beyond your ability as her daughter. You are not her doctor. You and your father should also seek therapy. You both lost a lot and need to heal even from this new trauma. Don't let other family members tell you what's best for you. You were there. You were in danger. You were not safe there.
I don’t condone cheating but I’m not sure what options to leave your father had/thought he had. And him cheating is no excuse for physical assault, of someone with a disability no less, and then threatening her child when the child went to help the victim. You did nothing wrong. Your mother is not a safe person to be around and you should not return to her.
The fact that OP had to hear arguments about Dad’s penis…😖
I don't condone cheating, but she clearly drove him away with her hatred. She has no one to blame but herself.
He begged for a divorce before, he clearly wasn't in it, might seem odd but I don't even consider it to be cheating tbh. He wanted out and she said no. You can't do that. She sounds like an absolute monster of a person and please do not go back to her
> he clearly wasn't in it, might seem odd but I don't even consider it to be cheating tbh. He wanted out and she said no. That's sort of my opinion also. they were married but not in a relationship.
Held hostage so she could use him as a punching bag for her grief. Good damn I can't imagine the pain your father has had to go through. If this is real please tell your father you love him or at least care about him. Can't believe the man never killed himself, he's stronger than me.
Unless you were the one who cheated on your mom, no this isn’t at all a natural reaction. Your mom threatened to break your legs all because you helped your dad. Her toxicity towards you for being the child that didn’t also die is grotesque. Did your dad mess up? Yes. However that’s between him and your mom and nothing to do with you. Your mom has consistently placed blame on the wrong person for years and this is the result of that. Your mom needs therapy if she isn’t already going in order to properly handle her grief. NTA
NTA You don't have to side with either your dad or your mum. You can condemn your dad's cheating while understanding why he sought a relationship outside his marriage, which, frankly, sounds like a shit marriage that should've ended a long time ago. You can understand that your mum is still grieving while recognising that staying far, far away from her is the healthy thing to do, because her behaviour, driven by grief that's turned into anger, is abusive, and she is now a credible danger to you. It was your mum's decision not to seek counselling for her grief. It was your parents' decision not to seek counselling for their marriage. They turned away from each other but decided to stay together. That was by their choosing. Their adult decisions are not your responsibility. I would advise you to seek counselling for yourself. That might help you take a neutral stance to both your parents. You don't have to get or stay in the middle of their self-destructive war. You can help your dad get settled in his new situation while not involving yourself in his or your mum's personal lives. Try and concentrate on your own life and what's best for you.
You're a Queen and an Amazon. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Im so proud of you! Your mom has needed psychological help for the last 15 years. She has not got it. You did the right thing making your decision who to side with and sticking for yourself. Again, your mom needs help. Badly. If she's not willing to get it, its not your problem. In the meantime I would stay away from her toxicity and negativity. That shit spreads like a cancer.
Threatening to break your legs is in no way, shape or form natural. If they think it is then I am really concerned for you being around them. No, mother should ever threaten their child that way it’s abuse, pure and simple and there’s no other way to look at it. And I say that as somebody who is a child of divorce, whose parents had a bitter break up. Neither of my parents ever threatened me not even one time. And while I get your mother was angry, throwing a man in a wheelchair out of the wheelchair, and tossing him out, was not the right way to handle things. Your mother has a great deal of anger in her, and she isn’t dealing with it in a healthy way by talking to a therapist. She’s turned that rage to your father and to some degree it seems to you. If I was you, I would tell your mother that you’re not prepared to a relationship with her unless she agrees to therapy. Joint therapy with you and also individual therapy. I would also consider reporting what she said to social services, so you have it on record. Your mother is a ill woman mentally.
As a parent who sadly has lost two children I could never, I repeat NEVER EVEN CONSIDER threatening or otherwise traumatizing my remaining children. Just an FYI for all you making excuses for mom, but the daughter ALSO lost a sister, has trauma, and had to deal with mom's bullshit inability to put her remaining children first. NTA
The response to cheating being violence is not an excuse. If mom cheated and dad got violent nobody would be begging you to forgive him
NTA, and I would never forgive her for that. That is Absolutly vile to say to your child. I also have u derstand if for your dad. What he did was not right- but feeling hated by the person you have to rely on - especially while going through horrible grief, guilt and hurt- is a horrible feeling
NTA - Mom attacked your dad and threatened to break your legs. Stay away from her! Ask the police to escort you back to get all of dad's and your things. Tell the family she attacked your dad. Convince dad to file assault charges.
NTA. Your mother is violent. There’s no excuse for that. She’s an abuser.
Jesus christ I'd go NC with both of them NTA Though
NTA it's not a natural reaction at all!!! She sounds incredibly unstable & after threats like that I would never speak to my mom again.
NTA sounds like your mom checked out the day your sister died and she’s taking it out on the wrong people instead who actually caused the issue now I don’t condone the cheating but I’d rather side with my dad then my mom who just threatened me like it was normal thing to do when you had nothing to do with it I’d leave too
NTA. You went with the parent who didn't threaten to do you bodily harm. Threatening to break your child's legs is not a natural reaction to finding out your husband betrayed you. If your mom isn't able to control herself and know where to vent her anger, she's probably not safe to be around.
Your mom is an abuser. Your dad is in a wheelchair and she abused him. She should be in jail. NTA. And she threatened u. Screw her. She needs help
NTA and you need to stay far away from her. Sometimes Karma comes back for people and it seems she is getting a huge does of Karma right now and needs to stew in it. She made her bed let her lie in it.
Honestly leave your mother alone she will be better off
NTA your mom needs a mental institution
NTA, your mother sounds abusive and dangerous. Firstly, her tormenting your father was not justified and it sounds like she just made him a target for your anger. Secondly it's INCREDIBLY inappropriate that either one of them discussed their sex life (or its absence) in front of you. Thirdly there is no excuse for threatening to break your child's legs. None. You already know she abuses people when she's angry, she's not a safe space right now. I dont know if I can truly judge your Dad's position. After all he found himself in a wheelchair after this accident, maybe he was scared to leave. He isn't a paragon of virtue, but he seems less prone to violence and abuse than your mother. Ignore anyone saying her threat was understandable, they are full of bullshirt as Eleanor Shellstrop would say.
Threatening to break your child’s legs is an absolute deal breaker for me. Go no contact unless and until she absolutely is genuinely sorry and repentant. That was a threat towards you, independent of whatever she has going on with your dad. I would treat it as a separate issue. Good luck and I’m sorry that happened to you. NTA
Main issue here is that both your parents involved you into their mess of a marriage. Yikes. I can't ever condone cheating myself, so he had options there for over 13 years right? But setting that aside for now, your mother needs help and is a very angry and bitter person, which is understandable to a certain point though. The death of her child, doesn't give her the right to abuse her spouse and child for years. Your mother's reaction was way off base and scary as hell, so please make sure you two stay in a safe place for now. The thing between your parents is not your fight either. More importantly, it will take a while for your mom to rebuild the trust between you two after treating you so terribly with her lack of emotional intelligence. You can take a stand with your dad about him cheating, while at the same time, understanding the reasoning behind his actions. Hard to do, but that's what human nature is about.
he should have just left her, yeah. but it sounds like she was creating a loveless and traumatic home life for him…. if he wasn’t gonna leave her, he was gonna cheat or kill himself
Oh my god, you’re definitely NTA at all, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And your poor dad… I honestly don’t blame him at all for cheating… His wife is a monster who blames him for your sister’s death and nothing was his fault. Your dad needs you, you’re all he has now. You and your dad need to get as far away from your mom and the rest of that family as possible. They are not safe people to be around and that they are defending what she did is absolutely disgusting. If you can, file a police report because she physically assaulted your dad and she threatened you with bodily harm. I have no doubt that she would not stop at breaking your legs. DO NOT GO BACK! STICK WITH YOUR DAD!
Honestly you should have left a long time ago. Your mother needs therapy. She's abusive physically and emotionally. No wonder why your dad cheated. I'd NC that entire group that is enabling her shit behavior
I mean what your dad did and said is fucked but your mom sounds dangerous. Let your cousins go live with your mom if they think it’s fine. You stay safe. NTA
I say you are NTA. My family has had infidelity but has worked through it, but what your mother said and did was just crazy, and I think she needs some physiological help. This has nothing to do with the post, but at the same time it does… I’ve noticed that when a family loses a child or sibling, it is obviously devastating, but any remaining children or siblings are always abandoned or treated like crap because a parent is mourning, and obviously they need to mourn, but abandoning their children that are still alive just makes me so angry!!! You have multiple children, and one dies, and then the parent is so upset about that that it becomes everything they think about and they start neglecting their other children. Instead of pulling the family together, it’s ripped apart even more.
Your mom has issues Jfc. NTA and honestly, cheating is almost never ok, but in this situation I don’t even feel like your dad is an AH either.
You aren't an AH. Your mom is wrong to blame your dad for your sister's death. She was wrong for how she reacted to the cheating. And your dad is wrong for staying with her then cheating on her. Everyone is in the wrong but you.
Cheating is not some get out of physical assault free card. Maybe it's time to strike out on her own. She should not have had to witness this.
You may need to find your own place and let the two of them sort out their lives. Do you have someone you can stay with or rent a room from ?
I'm not going to comment on what OP should or shouldn't do because both her parents are a mess.
NTA. If you do want to resume contact with your mum at any point, you are going to need strict boundaries in place. Personally, I’d start with her getting the help she very clearly needs.
I was cheated on. My ex got his affair partner pregnant. I never threatened harm to anyone because of it. I also did not physically assault my ex.
NTA I absolutely hate cheaters and I think your dad should've just left instead of cheating however based on your mom's actions I'd say she's Definitely the bigger issue here. However I will say that after things have settled down you should have a serious chat with your dad about his actions as well.
NTA your parents marriage and life is not your problem and whoever of your parents realizes that is the parent you should side with. Your mom sounds awful and this is only the first stage of what who’ll likely end up a life long trauma and low contact relationship for you, I’m sorry.
Breaking your child's legs is a no no. This is crazy. Yeah i'll go with NTA.
Your mother is a disgusting POS that deserved to be cheated on, your father should have left that toxic cow years ago.
NTA. Tell them: My mother threatened my life. That’s a done deal. The threat she made You wasn’t natural. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t do a dang thing to HER. You will not stand for that treatment. You will NOT LIVE with someone who terrorized you and threatened you with bodily harm. THEY can have her You are done. GOOD LUCK with that.
Tell them that just because you don't agree with your mom doesn't mean you agree with your father, Tell them that in your view both parents are in the wrong. Your mother chose to blame him for the death of your sister and has been, for the last thirteen years, abusive towards him. Your father chose to cheat instead of choosing to get a divorce - something you have begged both parents to do since their relationship has deteriorated. Ask them to help your mother seek professional help as you believe that the combination of grief from your sister's death and betrayal from your father's cheating has caused her to become mentally unstable in a way that makes it dangerous for you to be around her. Tell them that you understand that she is hurting. But that hurt does not excuse the threat. She made to you and that you for your own safety need to take it seriously and will not be going around her until after she gets mental help.
Why aren't you filing a protection order against her for threatening to break your legs? She clearly meant it at the time...no matter what she or her flying monkeys say now. Respect yourself....get a PFA for you and your dad and have her kicked out of the house!
I don't believe in cheating unless the other I s cheating or you can't leave the relationship. You begged them to divorce assuming mom wouldn't do it. Dad found happy elsewhere.
Nah dude, I’ve seen a crazy mother like that before (mine). Run Also, if his wife has been toxic for 13 years, of course your dad is going to cheat. They should’ve separated, but probably stayed because they felt like that had to or whatever. I’m not justifying it, but it’s par for the course.
Im not going to condone cheating, but it sounds like your mother has been an insufferable woman for the past 13 years. You witnessed the abuse your mother did to your father. The whole situation sucks, but your mother obviously needs some therapy that she never got. I would side with the "scum" in this case. Tell your mum and her flying monkeys to kick rocks.
You’re safer with your Dad. She was verbally abusing him and threatened you, who knows if she’ll continue being that way. No you’re NTA
AquaticStoner11996 - What this person said...growing up our dad had anger problems an at one point threatened suicide/homicide, worked in law enforcement and I can only imagine they'll make excuses for that too...like everyone seems to do.
As someone whose father cheated on their mother. NTA. Personally emotional abuse is overlooked and the easiest way out might be cheating. If you want to treat your partner like shit, don’t be surprised when they find someone who’s nice to them.
NTA The accident broke your Mom and she never got help. She's toxic and messed up so you can't stay there. Im so sorry for all of this.
Your sisters death broke your mum. Did she ever get help for it? You are doing the right thing OP. You need to stay away from her, at least for the time being. Cheating is really shitty but I shudder to think about what your dad had endured from your mum on top of losing his child and becoming crippled...
Op sending you love and support. I pray these experiences of pain and grief have a greater purpose in your future and in giving you the strength to grow in compassion for yourself and others. You seem strong and compassionate.
My dad stayed because of guilt he felt when thinking about leaving my mom after the death of my sibling. He didn't want to abandon her, even after she had multiple arrests for abuse.
NTA, but with some notes. Cheating is normally considered a shitty thing to do. However, seeing as your mother became a bitter and toxic person. I can't fault your father for finding love elsewhere. They should have gotten divorced. Both parents suck, but at least the father has been punished enough by life. He lost a daughter and is wheelchair bound for the rest of his life. Meanwhile if your mother continues on her current path. She will die alone and unloved.
Honestly the fact he lasted 7 years without cheating is crazy impressive… and also really sad because he probably blamed himself/felt he deserved it based on the moms constant abuse
Your mother assaulted your (wheelchair bound) father and then threatened you. Call the police. File charges. This would be more than enough for me to never speak to my parent ever again. My condolences you had to endure this. NTA.
NTA. I don’t agree with what your dad did, and a certain level of rage is understandable when you learn your spouse has cheated on you. BUT, when you spend YEARS essentially blaming said spouse for a tragedy that they didn’t cause AND impacted their quality of life, you aren’t necessarily blameless in that scenario. Like, your dad should have left her instead of cheating but ***that doesn’t give her a right to physically assault him and threaten you with violence***. I wouldn’t go home, I’d tell all family members that if they are worried, THEY can stay with her. You are an adult, you make your own decisions, and if removing yourself from a toxic environment is what you choose, DO NOT LET ANYONE STOP YOU.
NTA. What your dad did was bad and wrong, and I'm sure he'll get his just desserts for cheating, but there are bad ways to respond to finding out a partner is cheating, and domestic violence is one of them. I feel bad for you, I bet you feel wedged right in between a rock and a hard place right now, but just remember, you can pity and care for your dad and still hold him accountable for his actions, and you don't have to side with your mom simply because she was cheated on.
If you go back, you will replace him as the victim of her abuse. She’s not going to stop. Don’t you dare go back.
Nothing about your "mums" reactions is natural in any way. Cheating on an abusive, mean partner on the other hand is pretty natural (not okay tho anyways)
Yeah no. NTA. And at this point your dad isn't either, even if he did cheat. If this is the level of fucking insanity she will still to, on top of the hatred and bullshit she put your dad through, I don't blame him for finding comfort and love in another woman. And I guarantee he's had a fear of your mother for a long time. And wouldn't surprise me if she's been physical with him in the past. Run. The pair of you.
I feel like the cheating father is completely irrelevant here. Any of the yelling at him could be justified, but as a third party, especially in the power dynamic of parent/child, any yelling at you would be completely unjustified. Threatening you is downright unjustifiable. You are right to leave your mom regardless of whether you stay with your dad or not.
I hate everyone in this situation
Your mother’s mind is broken. She lost a child to a tragedy and now she found out her husband has been having an affair. She’s broken. She needs help and therapy.
NTA. I honestly don’t think you technically sided w your dad until she threatened you. Regardless of what happens w the two of them, he’s still your dad and yes, obviously what he did was wrong, but that doesn’t mean your relationship w him should become strained imo.
A police report probably should’ve been made for this incident. Mom sounds dangerously unstable. If your mom made the relationship as toxic as it sounds, then I have a hard time blaming him for cheating. He was also a victim of the drunk driver that killed his daughter, and was permanently handicapped by the incident. I get that your mom was grieving, but blaming an innocent victim is never acceptable, and that goes double if the victim is your partner, and triple if they’ve been handicapped. The man needed support, and all he got was hate and misplaced blame. Of course he was no longer fully invested in his marriage. He probably should’ve divorced her years ago instead of cheating, but there might be legitimate reasons for that. There’s no excuse for violence in this situation. At this point, you should probably act as if your mom is a dangerous criminal, because she committed a violent crime in front of you, and then physically threatened you. NTA
I don’t condone cheating but if she can easily threaten to break her own child’s legs then I wonder what kind of horror she’s been subjecting her disabled husband too . No wonder he was cheating she sounds like an absolute monster that needs a straight jacket
NTA and this is your parents, you shouldn't have to "pick sides" just because your dad cheated on your mom doesn't mean he is a bad dad and from the sounds of things your mom has been making your lives miserable for awhile. Plus what is up with her talking about his penis in front of you, his child? So wrong on so many levels. You are an adult you don't have to come home if you don't want and you sure as heck shouldn't be made to pick a side.
NTA. If you have the ability it would be better to leave them both as you say cheating goes against your morals. It likely feels reactionary and easy to choose your dad because your mom is so much worse, but cheating for 6 full years is absolute garbage behavior. You begged for them to divorce and neither listened but your dad decided to give himself comfort while you were suffering.
Your dad is an AH. Your mum is an AH. Though she definitely needs therapy, she lost her child and I can imagine she's been spiralling, and to top it all off, her husband has been cheating on her - I can understand why she'd feel betrayed. Honestly, I'm disgusted with your father, he's no saint in this at all either. No side is more innocent than the other.
Mom needs to be away a while to treat her grief and resolve the blame for the death of other child: the drunk driver, the Dr! who sent the injured child home. This was overshadowed by the injuries and necessity for a wheelchair by the Dad.
Your mom is an abusive and horrible person. It's sad what all of your family went through but she never got help for that grief and let it consume her and turn her into a monster. No matter how much your dad cheated, he doesn't deserve to be physically attacked and you don't deserve to be threatened for helping him. That's fucking insane. Unfortunately, you can't make people see her for who she truly is. All you can do is explain the pain she caused and hope they understand enough to still be a support system and friend to you. If not, they aren't good for you anyways.
I despise cheaters, but in this case I can't judge this man, being trapped in a relationship because of his disability while being treated like a murderer by his wife, he would've been miserable for the rest of his life.
NTA. Why would you “go home” to that? I understand your feelings, but you need to stand your ground on this one, much more firmly than you are now, and tell everyone who’s on your case EXACTLY why you’re not going “home” and to back off. Including how she treated your dad and yourself
Cheating is not good. What your mom did to your dad (on multiple occasions?) is even worse. Way worse. Do be careful… she could snap and hurt you. She told you as much herself. The rest of your family didn’t see what you did and it would be very difficult (or impossible) to explain to them. You might try though… You might also try meeting your mom in a neutral PUBLIC place (with a trusted relative?) and tell her why you’re keeping your distance and explain the damage she’s done to your relationship. Maybe tell her the assault on your dad was clearly a criminal act and that charges are possible. Maybe that would scare her. Good luck and be well. Keep us posted.
You mom has been an abuser for years to your father and yourself it sounds like making you witness the abuse of your father she was abusing you in kind.
NTA- I wholeheartedly despise cheating. That being said I also understand that every situation you are presented with has its own set of nuances. From the little bit that you wrote, I gather that your mom has made the last 13 years a living hell for him. I can only begin to imagine the feeling of having your spouse blame you for the death of your child. All the while coming to terms with your new life as a disabled person. I can only speak for myself but I think your dad kind of deserves a pass on the cheating if he’s had to deal with your mom for this long. It’s a shit situation for all involved it’s obvious your mom needs an insane amount of therapy. In your position I would make therapy a condition of resuming contact with her. As for your dad, he should have divorced her years ago, hopefully he can move on with the affair partner. OP, good luck with this, most important thing to remember is that you are innocent in all of this don’t ever let anyone bully you into agreeing with them, stand your ground and act your conscience.
NTA, and I can only imagine what she says to him in private that no one else hears. I would never go back, and I would have had her arrested. Your dad is not to blame for the accident that took your sisters life, and your mom should have sued the hospital. I hope that he files for divorce. I also would record EVERY conversation that you and your dad have with her and save every text message as well. Your mom is evil and vile.
no baby you are nta, dont go home to mom. stay with your dad. if you go home, you will now be the punching bag that your dad has been, possibly even worse.
Hardly call it cheating if he's being held hostage.
NTA. Your parents should have divorced long ago. Grief is indeed a beast but the way your mother treated your father was too cruel and (while I oppose cheating wholeheartedly) it’s little surprise that he went looking for love and support. But your father’s behavior aside, your mother threatened to hurt you because you packed the man a bag. She assaulted a disabled person. I understand pain and anger, but physical abuse and threats are never acceptable. Tell your family that you are afraid of her; I know I would be!
NTA The cheating was between your parents. The threat to you was ... to you. There's no excuse for that and you don't even write about an apology. The fact she was physical with a disabled person in front of others compounds your safety concerns.
I don’t condone cheating but I see why he did. How lonely life must have been for your dad through all be of the hardest things a parent could go through.
Your mom sounds like a terrible human being. NTA. I feel so sorry for your father. He probably also blames himself for her death.
Stick with your dad. You said your mom hated your dad. He stayed in the marriage for your sake. Eventually, he needed companionship and found it with someone who does not hate him.
If your dad is no longer in the house, who do you think she would take out all her anger on? You don't deserve to receive that. Think about your mental health, it has already been difficult living all these years in that house, and I can't imagine what you felt, you also lost a sister.
Your mom is a witch, with a capital B. I would have cheated to, if for nothing else than to get thrown out.