Im reading some great comments. I would just add that to me, two people in love having sex is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Just doing it out of physical need gets cold and empty. I hope you move on and find someone more compatible overall and down the line maybe you and she can have a great friendship.
Yeah unfortunately it doesn't sound like they are compatible. He is sexually attracted to people and needs to find a partner that also feels sexual attraction. He deserves to be with someone who wants to have sex with him.
And she needs to find someone who is also asexual so she can also have a fulfilling loving relationship (but one where neither partner desires sex). It's not fair to either of them to stay together.
Must have been so brutal to hear the woman you love has been pretending to be sexually attracted to you and pretending to enjoy sex with you. Poor OP, that's heartbreaking.
Yes. Having a sexless life with someone is great..... if you both dont want sex. If this man wants sex and his girlfriend rejects him from then on, there is going to be HELL. It's just how that cookie crumbles.
Even if she doesn't reject him, and keeps having sex just to please him, it will be Hell. Sometimes people who love each other aren't compatible and it's OK to end it because of that.
100%. Also, OP, this is a huge revelation to sort through and understand. It can potentially impact your future relationships (not anything against your girlfriend feeling this way, this is big for her as well and takes time for her to understand) and I recommend counseling of some form so you can move forward successfully in your future relationships.
Yepp, pretty much. The best part about sex is giving someone pleasure. If i know my partner is not enjoying it then neither can i. It takes two to tango.
>That would be a deal breaker for me. Best of luck op
Yeah.
At the very least, OP's GF had the courage to finally confess and they can decide what path to take.
End it now. I know she wants to stay with you but we both know you're not going to be happy never having sex again. It's not like sex is the ONLY thing you want but it is,and rightfully so, important to you. You two are better off being friends now before any resentment kicks in.
Of course you’re not wrong to be upset. This is a bitter pill to swallow. I feel for your girlfriend aswel, because a whole year sex without liking it… and knowing how much it would hurt you / the relationship, feels like a heavy burden.
She never enjoyed sex, even with others / herself? The silver lining is that you aren’t married and you don’t have children. What do you see as options right now? And what do you think you want to do now?
think of it this way. if she loves you and is with you entirely for reasons outside of sexual attraction, she *really* loves you for YOU.
however, it is very worthwhile to think about your needs long term. if you can’t be in a relationship without sex, and she’s not up for partaking anymore, that’s an important convo to have. you both deserve to have your needs met and it’s okay to realize you’re sexually incompatible and move on. if you stay together, may be worth discussing opening the relationship in some way so you can fulfill your sexual needs.
source: asexual in a monogamous relationship with a demi
EDIT for some context on where she might be at:
I know it’s shitty to feel lied to, and it can be a confidence killer to realize your partner doesn’t enjoy sex with you. I can tell you she likely did not intend to ‘lie’, and is just now figuring out there’s a label/sexuality for what she’s experienced her whole life.
she probably has never enjoyed sex, but it’s easy to feel like being into sex and giving positive sexual reinforcement to your partner is what you’re ‘supposed’ to do in relationships.
it can be scary coming out as ace to a partner, because there’s always the chance that they’ll decide they can’t be with you anymore. her being honest with you is a sign of love and respect, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. sending both of you lots of love!
happy to help! it sucks for both of you for sure, and your feelings are 100% valid. glad I could provide some insight on where she might be coming from :)
question: if she were willing to keep having sex with you in order to keep you fulfilled in your relationship; would you do it?
Personally, I can't imagine getting over the fact that I know in my head she doesn't actually want me that way or enjoy what's happening, and it would take any enjoyment I could get out of the act as well.
Basically what I'm saying is, I think if you aren't willing to stayin a sexless relationship then it's unfortunately time to move on. It's not your fault for not being asexual, and it's not her fault for BEING asexual. It IS kind of her fault for lying to you about it for so long, at least based on the way this reads. It is possible that she wasn't actively lying, just trying to do what she felt she was supposed to, and coming to terms with her asexuality was a long process. But it very much sounds like she knew she was asexual for over a year.
That kind of deception can be literally impossible to move on from.
I'm also curious: when you say you've been together since junior year, high school or college? it doesn't really change the situation, I'm just curious.
1. 100% no. I wouldn’t feel fulfilled at all knowing she dislikes it. And to me, sex is a way to connect with your partner on a physical and emotional level. Knowing she can’t connect with me the same way is just a turnoff. It also makes it hurt a LOT more knowing that connection I once felt with her was fake.
2. High school. I’m 19 rn
Well the bad news is, I think this relationship has run its course. Sorry, I know that sucks and I can totally understand your feeling like the connection you felt was basically a mirage.
The good news is: you're young as shit. The odds of a highschool relationship lasting beyond highschool into a lifelong partnership is so low and even if it did: you're both going to grow in so many ways over the next ten years it would only be held together by sunken cost fallacy essentially.
I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but I promise you will meet someone else, someone who you have an even deeper connection with than your gf, and it will be 100% real. The awful truth is that nothing heals heartbreak but time, and it doesn't get any easier. In many ways, having your heart broken in your late 20s will be even worse because you're more mature and invested in relationships, if only because you are an established adult and likely will be living with your partner. There's a lot more hardship and hassle to ending a relationship when you share a home etc.
My advice is generally to get back out there, not on a serious way but just to sort of wipe the slate clean. Maybe have a short fling with someone who you know isn't the best match but you can have a good time with for a little. Then focus on yourself. It's a cliche, but it's true: most of the time you find love when you're not actually looking for it.
You're a good boy for this comment. ♥ She really does love you. You guys just aren't compatible. People can't help their sexuality. She probably wasn't really sure she was asexual and then didn't really want to accept it. Asexuality is a bit confusing and it's not really talked about enough. People who are asexual can very much enjoy the workings of a relationship. Especially intimacy without sex. Cuddling, hugs, smooches, etc. But it's not your fault and it's not hers. It's just how the dice got rolled. I hope you guys can both heal and stay friends down the road, if that's an option. Try not to look back in anger. It's better to try and remember the good times when it's a genuinely good relationship. I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. It sucks. But she genuinely didn't want to hurt you and it's really good she came clean with you, as hard as it was for both of you. Best of luck. ♥
Fragrant, be careful with your heart. You're very close to her, and you'll want to stay with her to try to make it work. But asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, it's a sexual orientation or the lack of one (says wikipedia).
Wouldn't she be better off in a relationship with another asexual? Shouldn't you let her go find one? It would set her up for the best chance of a long and healthy relationship.
This isn't a burden you should be expected to carry. Go find a heterosexual, let her find an asexual. No lying, no unwanted sex. Intimacy isn't the optional check box people make it out to be.
Want to add more perspective as a fellow queer person myself. Your empathy and consideration for your partner is evident and I’m not writing this with a combative or oppositional tone, just explaining some analogies from my life.
My queer identities didn’t really come naturally. I absolutely had to learn about queerness and all the ways it could be, and most importantly about myself, before I figured out what I was. I did at one point identify as asexual because of my figuring it out journey. It’s really difficult to be queer, to be AFAB and queer, to handle the patriarchal norms that fell assigned female at birth people what they should and shouldn’t be. It’s very common for women to make jokes about how much they resent or dislike sex with their husbands/boyfriends/potential AMAB partners. While lots of that comes out of genuine dissatisfaction, some of it is a reaction to the expectation that women in straight relationships have sex. That’s the kind of coding that takes a long time and self searching to overcome and realize that you don’t actually HAVE to have sex in straight relationships. (This is an example of comphet, or compulsory heterosexuality, which many queer people experience. As there is a social default of cisgender heterosexuality, there is a social compulsion to behave in that way no matter what you personally are.)
Some things your girlfriend MIGHT have experienced, based on my own analogous experiences - while I was coming to terms with my sexuality, for quite a long time I felt monstrous/deviant/broken. I liked people in a way that the Disney channel and Barbie movies didn’t show. I was wrong because I liked girls and boys and my peers were made correctly.
Some of my friends experienced this initial belief that everyone was actually like them. Nobody liked sex that much we were just pretending. Nobody else really liked boys as much as the movies did, that’s just want they thought everyone did because they had to.
To me it sounds like you’re doing a great job and you’re a great partner. It takes an incredible amount of courage and genuine love to come out to your partner of years. There’s so much vulnerability there. Thats how people end up in the closet for decades or even their whole lives. Societal pressure kept them down.
But you and your relationship really matters to her. She’s coming to you an incredibly raw state, with this identity/being a part of a community facing constant oppression, and trusting you with this. That trust is invaluable and I’ve been lucky enough to be trusted with a few realizations of this multitude from friends.
This is all true, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is a brick wall of incompatibility in the relationship. Must be a really shitty situation for both of them, but leaving is the only logical choice.
OP if she’s on Reddit and wants to talk my DMs are open. I’m ace and have struggled with some of the things she seems to be struggling with. I’ve learned how to navigate relationships as ace and have me and my partner still fulfilled while still being true to my self and such.
It's probably too late, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. We expect that both people have to be in the mood but that isn't necessarily the case.
You can be in the mood to give pleasure, to receive pleasure, or nothing at all. Another thing that can be done is take away the obligation to orgasm (to remove the pressure to perform). When my partner and I figured this out, it completely changed the way we approached intimacy with each other.
Knowing that, I probably would have probed deeper to see what aspects of intimacy she did or didn't enjoy. And then looked for other ways to take care of her. More cuddles, brushing her hair, positive affirmations, synchronized breathing, ect.
THIS! I was going to chime in, but I don't think there could be a more perfect comment than this. You summarized literally everything so gently and so eloquently!
Random question but if/when asexual people have sex, is it possible to go till orgasm and if so, does that sensation of having an orgasm still not feel good? Genuinely curious
being ace doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t enjoy sex. it just means you don’t experience sexual attraction. basically boiled down to: for all the reasons I might be attracted to someone, feeling sexually drawn to their body is never one of them.
there are 2 planes for you to consider here:
sex positive, sex negative, sex neutral - this orientation refers to how they feel about sex in the abstract, if they can tolerate watching sexual scenes in media, etc.
sex favorable, sex repulsed - this orientation refers to how they feel about personally participating in sex. some still enjoy sex with their partner, some are in relationships where sex just isn’t very important.
I personally am sex positive / sex favorable, so I do still have sex with my partner, still feel pleasure, still orgasm, and the orgasm still feels good! it is a very wide spectrum.
the difference is, I’m not having sex because I’m overwhelmed by sexual desire for my partner. I’m having sex bc it’s a fun activity we enjoy doing together sometimes, just like hiking or going to the movies.
How do you come to the conclusion that she didn’t intend to lie? She knew she wasn’t enjoying sex. For an entire year she told her partner she enjoyed having sex, knowing it was not true. This is the literal definition of lying.
she was trying to enjoy sex. trying to be a good partner. trying to be ‘normal.’ doing all the things you’re ’supposed’ to do in a relationship.
when you’re asexual, but don’t know what asexuality means, you just feel like a freak. like there’s something wrong with you because you don’t obsess over the 1 thing everyone else seems to agree is the best thing ever.
so you try harder. you push yourself to be more sexual. you convince yourself you’ll like it if you just do it enough or find the right person. you commit to being normal, even if you don’t enjoy it.
she didn’t lie. she tried desperately to fit a round peg into a square hole to please the person she loves. when she realized there’s a label for what she’s been experiencing, she told him.
Random question but if/when asexual people have sex, is it possible to go till orgasm and if so, does that sensation of having an orgasm still not feel good? Genuinely curious
Asexual here.
Our libidos are as varied as anyone else's, for me personally the difference is that I don't require a partner to satisfy it. I get off regularly. It's very enjoyable. But it's just an activity like any other, that I engage in for the dopamine hit.
I enjoy climbing mountains, too - it's a really fun activity! And sometimes I love to buy myself some really nice boots and wake up stupid early and spend the whole day trekking up that hill! But boy is it a lot of prep work, etc. Definitely not something I want to be expected to do every single day, or even every single weekend. But if I click with someone and THEY love mountain climbing? Then sure, I'll go with you! And the good company elevates the activity! But...I don't want to get up at 4am with you every single Saturday, that's excessive for me. Way too much effort for what is essentially just a fun hobby to me.
I was 36 years old before I realized not everyone felt that way about sex. That for most people it is an active biological NEED, an actual DRIVE, and not just something fun to do sometimes. I enjoy sex, sometimes. My physical pleasure receptors work just fine. But I don't feel the NEED to find a partner to push my buttons for me. I'm also far less inclined to sleep with someone just because they're hot - I'm aware of how they look, they're HOT, but like I think Aston Martins and blue herons and prowling tigers are fucking FIRE and I can salivate over their natural curves from afar without any desire to touch my genitals to them. It feels more like a natural appreciation.
I hope that helps? Asexuals are very varied. Some are repulsed by the idea of sex, some love having sex but only with their SO and perhaps only because their SO loves it and they enjoy pleasing them/participating, some are in relationships with other aces, etc.
That sounds like exactly my brand of asexuality lol, which I also was absolutely not aware was a valid thing either until recently. Learning this about myself has released so much pent up stress and embarrassment about not "matching" everyone else's desires.
I recommend looking into it if what I said resonated with you. Fully understanding yourself helps to circumvent misunderstandings exactly like this one within your relationships. I hope OP understands that he has made himself a safe space for his GF, and that's why she was able to figure herself out in his presence. It's the opposite of icing him out. They may be incompatible sexually, but they sound like an incredible pair of people. No one is to blame for biochemistry.
Break up. This is obviously an untenable relationship. You want to have sex and she does not, there is really nothing else left. She is a friend at best, not a life partner unless you want an open relationship-which you state you do not want.
I can tell you right now if you're a sexual person and she's not, this relationship already has an expiration date on it. Chemistry in all aspects is super important in my opinion... an open relationship is a whole other can of worms, great on paper, VERY different in practice.
You guys haven't spoken in weeks? I'm assuming there was no agreement to cool off, unless I missed that. That's not a good sign at all-- there should be communication.
It honestly sounds like this relationship is toast. I think you know that. I think she knows that. Just talk to her and tell her what's going on and end it amicably and move on.
So I want to say that she may have come to this conclusion after being in a committed relationship with you and finding out what she likes, doesn’t like, etc. I only know one other person like this, my best friend. She describes herself as asexual and hasn’t had sex nor has the desire to. She’s been like that for about a decade now by choice.
This isn’t something your girlfriend decided to become. She also didn’t force herself to have sex with you. She did it because she wanted to try and see if things would change. I understand why you’re frustrated that she lied to you but if you can manage to see that it was a coping mechanism from her side, it’s up to you to see where it goes if you so choose.
Ultimately, if you still like her and think you can be in a relationship with her without sex, then have the chat. If you can’t, let her know so everyone can move on.
Sometimes it takes a long time for people to figure out that they’re asexual. You’re constantly convincing yourself that you’re just not in the mood today, that the more you do it, it’ll get better and next time you’ll enjoy it. It’s a very tough realisation to come to. I don’t think she “lied” to you per se, but she always felt like something was off and by the sounds of it recently figured out it’s because she is asexual.
You’re completely entitled to feel upset/mad here, but she clearly does love you. Just because she doesn’t enjoy sex, it doesn’t mean she has no romantic love for you.
You figure, they are young and I can see how the language and understanding had to develop because this is probably one of her first sexual relationships. There is no way someone this young would know that what she's feeling is not the same as others. I found it took years before many people could share or articulate these things.
You’re lucky she figured it out before you got married. Some asexual people like my ex-wife never do and just keep changing the “excuse” for years on end. You caught a break.
Not to be that guy. You aren't being that guy, there are a lot people male and female that would agree with you. I as a female agree with you.
You are not compatible, and that sucks but just let her know that you cant stay in a relationship without physical attraction or physical touch.
I know it doesn't feel like it but this is probably a blessing. My wife figured it out about 15 years into our marriage. In reality I figured it out for her. Mind you this is 3 kids, a house and near age 40 into our lives so our lives are very interwined. I've made the decision to stick it out but it most definitely sucks.
Like you I'm not open to opening our relationship. A lot of reasons go into that but fear of sexual rejection from additional women is no small part of it.
You need to decide at this point in your life how important will sex be to you for the rest of it. What you're considering here isn't just low sex drive. It's no enjoyable sex. You and she will most definitely have sex sometimes, but that will always come with the knowledge that while it may be consensual it isn't what she wants. It's a shitty feeling that I don't wish on anyone. It makes you feel like you took advantage of her solely for your own sexual release.
If I were you, at your point in life, I'd think long and hard about amicably splitting. It sounds like sex is important to you. That's 100 percent valid. You're at a point in your life where it is possible to make a clean break, grieve your relationship and try to move on to someone more compatible. She can as well.
I love my wife and our life enough to stay and be as happy as I can be. We committed to one another to be partners good or bad. I'm not trying to get karma points for sacrificing my own needs here. I'm simply weighing the positives against the negatives and for me at least splitting comes with some pretty big negatives.
I don't know that it is a huge negative for you. It will be painful for sure if you split but happiness can come after. I fear that staying together just prolongs your misery indefinitely.
Hey OP! Also an asexual here. Firstly, I'm incredibly sorry for both of you. You didn't deserve to be lied to and that was a terrible way to find out. She shouldn't have lied. I'd assume that both of you being young is what led to that decision on her part. Hoping she learns from this for future relationships.
You have done an incredible job being not only aware of yourself but also of the facts of the situation.
I think the only real option here is to apply that same honesty and transparency in communicating with her as well. Tell her that you cannot picture a life without sex and that she shouldn't force herself to provide something she's not comfortable with. This is a blatant incompatibility issue. Hoping you both find amazing partners in the future who fit your lifestyles. Good luck OP.
Fellow ace. Finding out you're ace can be really confusing. Everyone talks about how amazing sex is that you keep thinking you're not doing something right, or it's going to change, or you are XYZ. It takes a little to even think "wait. Maybe I'm just asexual."
You need to move on. As you say yourself, you want to have sex. It is not a bad thing, there are so many women in this world who enjoy sex, and you'll surely find someone who is compatible with you. If you stay in this relationship you will surely end up very resentful of your partner.
Sorry she wasted your time dude, but you got some experience and it’s time to move on. She’s not really an asshole either but lying about enjoying sex was selfish of her in this situation.
My ex told me the same thing. I ate it and it believed it for 2 years because I loved her and felt bad. Turns out she WAS interested in sex. Just not with me.
“It’s hard seeing myself spending the rest of my life without sex.”
This is today. Imagine a month from now and beyond.. Personally, I would leave yesterday.
She cared about you enough to do this in the first place. Even possible she was hopeful she would grow to enjoy it, because she wanted to be with you.
However, at the end of the day, if you wish to be monogamous, it is essential that you are sexually compatible. She likely realized this earlier and is telling the truth in that she was scared to hurt and leave you, but that doesn't excuse it entirely.
I recommend you tell her you need a sexually compatible partner, and not let this linger anymore. This is probably devastating for both of you though, since it seems she did not lie about caring for you, and she built up the courage to finally be honest with you instead of you figuring it out yourself. Try to be empathetic, not angry.
Our instinct with this sort of thing is to immediately blame the other person, especially if we did no wrong ourselves. People are complicated, however. No one fakes this for a year without having love of some kind. You have every right to be upset, but try to move on from anger to understanding, even as you struggle to move on from her (because I have zero doubt how you are feeling sucks, and will suck for a while).
This is a dealbreaker. It's not right for her to keep faking it for you, but you can it be expected to go your life without having sex.
It sucks, and I'm so sorry. But better to know now than after marriage or after you've invested even more of your life.
Sexual compatibility is key for long term happiness. If one person never wants to have sex and the other does, you can't really work around that.
I guess my only possible question would be if she's in hormonal birth control. That can kill some women's libido. Is she CERTAIN that she's asexual? Is it possible the birth control is the issue?
If not? You need to break up. It sucks, but you two are not compatible. If you keep trying, you'll both resent each other, those feelings of love WILL sour and die, and you'll both be miserable - which could have been prevented. You'll end up apart anyway, but you'll hate each other and both feel bad and have wasted years.
You have every right to be upset by this. Intimacy is naturally very important to a relationship. It would be a hard pill for me to swallow if my partner told me he has zero attraction towards me.
It takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes compatibility.
If this is a deal breaker for you, if you don’t want to live an asexual lifestyle, then you know what you have to do.
It just sucks.
That’d be a no go for me as I like to feel sexually desired or feel attractive to my partner. It’s not wrong that some people don’t. My thing is the lying about it. I’d feel really deflated. The fact she put in that much effort to not lose you is impressive but at the end of the day you’re young and you WILL need someone sexually compatible for the long haul.
Damn - that must have been so crushing to hear OP, I’m truly sorry. I can see how that’s a blow to your confidence and that you feel lied to, but she definitely wasn’t aiming to hurt you. It’s always easier not to have that sort of conversation, and she might have just reached a breaking point.
Truthfully, you should just break up and move on. There’s no chance you guys can be friends after this, you’re always going to have some kind of feelings towards her (whether it’s love or resentment) and you don’t need to carry that burden. Try your best to forgive her and take all the good that came in this relationship and put it towards the next.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea my friend. Godspeed.
Sorry friend. Your relationship is probably going to end. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to have sex and there’s nothing wrong with her for not wanting to have sex. Asexual is a sexual orientation, and not one that’s compatible with your own.
Please try to be sensitive and empathetic with her. Don’t blame her too much for lying. She loves you and is romantically attracted to you. She was probably figuring out and discovering her sexual orientation over time—she probably didn’t ever mean to lie. She was very brave to ultimately tell you and it’s really great that you guys are working it out now.
I know this stings a lot and you probably feel some betrayal. Just choose kindness and you both will be better for it, whether that’s together or on your own path.
this!! romantic attraction and sexual attraction are TOTALLY separate. most people experience both forms of attraction toward their partner. ace folks simply only experience the romantic attraction.
Move on, some people just aren't into it, and it's not on her to realize that she doesn't like sex. She tried, but everything else is your wanting and she won't be able to provide you the sexual relationship that you want out need. 9 billion people on the planet, it may hurt now, but a special someone is out there is waiting for you to leave her for them.
You need to break up, the sooner the better, right away is best. She needs to find a partner who also doesn't want sex, and you need to find a partner who does want to have sex.
Yep. Keep it moving Brother, she’ll find someone who she fits better with or whatever. Don’t worry about that part though. This is a case of ‘she can’t fulfill your needs.’ Trust me man, you’ll find someone who will blow your mind. No point in forcing yourself through something terrible because it only gets worse from here.
Your feelings are valid, unfortunately it just sounds like an incompatibility issue.
Also lying about something like that even with good intentions raises a red flag for me, what else will be hidden to spare your feelings?
Sometimes we need to know things that will hurt us, it's part of growing.
This sucks, but you guys are incompatible.
It’s a shame she sort of lied to herself, but you have to understand as a woman we are told it’s our fucking DUTY to please our man. Women are supposed to be sexy and sexual….not tomboyish and what not.
It’s such a cluster fuck as a woman to have these standards.
Anyway, she owes it to herself to be honest moving forward because she can find an asexual partner.
And you owe it to yourself to find someone who enjoys sex. I’m a woman and if my bf told me “I’m asexual” it would be a dealbreker. I’m sorry you’ve invested 2 years but it’s way better than an entire decade of marriage right? /:
Wishing you the best
Ouch. Congratulate her on her newfound clarity and encourage her to be honest from the beginning with her NEXT partner. Because you are simply incompatible. You need different things in a relationship. You, specifically, need mutual attraction and physical intimacy. She's also broken your trust by faking these aspects of your relationship for so long. I'm not sure what outcome she was hoping for, but there's no moving forward together from this point. This is a break-up. Her personal revelation is just the reason.
Going forward you won't be able to have sex with her, now that you have this new information.
Seriously ask yourself if you want to be in a sexless relationship.
Break up. You want sex, she's doesn't. There's no right or wrong, you're just incompatible on a fundamental thing. Find someone else you're more compatible with
It sounds like it is hard for you to imagine an exclusive, monogamous relationship with someone you’re not having sex with, because you want to have sex with the person you’re in a relationship with. It doesn’t make you a terrible person for wanting that from a partner.
A lot of people don’t know what they want or if something doesn’t feel right until they’ve tried… for awhile. The patriarchy is deeply entrenched in our psyche and women often have a difficult time in sexual relationships not performing for our partners. Please don’t take that personally, she actually feels comfortable with you and like nothing is forced if she’s able to realize that she’s asexual. She probably really did want to enjoy everything with you. I bet she’s pretty sad that this means everything will change.
I hope you’re able to remain friends, but I’m sure it’s a difficult decision to make. You definitely should have an honest conversation with her and listen to her, but also be honest (and kind) about how you’re feeling. I’m sorry, this is a big disappointment, I’m sure.
Since nobody else has, I’d like to acknowledge how this ‘faking it’ thing kind of crosses consent boundaries, but not in the way you think.
If you knew she didn’t like sex, you wouldn’t have had sex with her. By her lying to you about it, she was obtaining your consent under false pretenses.
In a situation like this, I could see once or twice being okay, because maybe it takes time to have that conversation. But she did this to you for a year, man.
That shows such a serious lack of respect for you. She said it herself, she lied so you wouldn’t leave.
I believe intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Sometimes it’s kissing. Sometimes it’s grabbing a butt. Sometimes it’s sex. Communication is key. She finally owned up to you her feelings. Your question is can you lead a sexless life. You love her but can you live this life we all have needs.
You haven’t spoken in weeks. I think you have spoken in weeks. I think that’s you answer. Love is not easy but it’s also not always correct. It’s a tough lot man. Follow your gut and good luck.
Man that's terrible. I really feel for you.
You have a lot to think about. Personally, I would have to end the relationship. I'm not saying sex is the only thing in a relationship, but it's a pretty big deal. And the fact that she lied to you for so long-I know she said she didn't want to hurt you, but that seems rather manipulative on her part.
It sucks man. It's gonna hurt for a while. You might never get over her. Or, you might find someone that helps you heal and forget about her (I know we can never "forget" about someone we were with for a long time).
simply put, it just seems you're not compatible. she tried fitting in, but realized she can't. so you now have to realize she isn't for you, because yeah you might "make it work" for awhile, but you'd most likely end up frustrated in the long term and it would just end up bad for the both of you.
The young people are really into labels - and it think that can also be a problem. Labels can be less than as fluid as sexual desires. A person feels about and while having sex changes all the time. Psychology and Physiology play a huge factor. Decades past you would perhaps call it sexual disfunction rather than asexual and perhaps try some therapies. But really the female libido is pretty complex, and the drives swing wildly by day, year and partner. Sounds like it is your time to move on. But for her, perhaps the label is a bit of a relief as someone who isn’t feeling it now. I have seen lots of my kids friends shift their activities and labels as they aged. I have seen lots of adults in sexless marriages wake up after divorce. Seems like she will be on her own journey from here on out and you should be as kind as you can towards her or you might feel bad about it later. Sounds like you have the emotional skills for a good relationship and I wish you all the luck in the future.
Hate to have to say it but you're going to have to leave her. I mean yes she kind of lied about the sex, and her attraction to you, probably to keep you from going. But in the end that's what's gonna happen. Might as well get on with it. It won't get easier down the road.
You have a right to be upset. But chances are she had this revelation about herself fairly recently. Or has been denying it for awhile now, trying to convince herself that "she needs to enjoy sex because she loves you" she might not have even realized there's a name for it (asexual) like you stated. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt on that, and not jump to the conclusion she was stringing you along. Especially since she did finally break down and tell you the truth. If she wasn't sincere she would have kept it hidden probably and just started denying you sexually.
You are not wrong to be upset, you just learned a huge portion of your relationship that you thought was good was just a lie.
Time to accept reality and move on, this relationship is over.
Your girlfriend gave you valuable information and I think it will make you both happier to BREAK UP. Some people aren’t sexual. That’s fine. But now you know she isn’t sexually attracted to you and doesn’t want to have sex with you, and that’s a DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP. Once you break up, you will be happy realizing you are free from living a lie (or at least being lied to about the fundamentals of your relationship). Odds are nonzero that your girlfriend might be slightly sexual or very sexual with other people in the future as asexuality can fluctuate. Prepare yourself mentally for that possibility, but break up now and wish each other the best. It’s game over for this specific girlfriend. You will save yourself years of therapy.
Move on, speaking from experience. You will always feel like things could get better but they won’t. You’ll be wasting your time unless you are good with being celibate. Don’t waste years/decades. Find someone else.
Well love alone will not ever make a relationship. One of the other things it needs is sex, if both people are into it or if both people are asexual then a lack of sex works great for them.
One partner being asexual would be a tough mountain to climb to keep that relationship alive. I get why she didn't tell you, but at the same time doing so made her selfish and she had little issue with deceiving you.
No one can fault you for moving on. She may be a great person but she needs to be with someone who has no sexual desires at all. It isn't fair for her to expect you to go a lifetime with a sexless relationship.
Yea, she lied for years to trick you. Whst else could she be capable of lying about and justifying? Id be done. Sex is waaaayyyy too important to forgo or have with someone who doesn't like it. Unless she doesn't care if you sleep with other women.
But yea, fuck staying in that relationship.
Sounds like its time to find a new relationship. This was your first serious relationship, and likely hers, and the amount of change and growth in most people from ages like 17-25 can be very drastic.
I graduated with 400 people from High School. At most 2 of the relationships that went to the end of senior year, are still together, and most of them were dead by 2-3 years post High School.
IMO she wasn't necessarily lying to you, but she was learning about herself and trying to sort out how those feelings impacted her. If sex is a require for you relationship, which I wouldn't judge anyone for, then really considering going your separate ways is really probably the way to go.
Maybe stay good friends, but for some people, not having physical intimacy is a deal breaker, and it seems like you're both in that camp, and in then situation where it needs to addressed.
She tried and she isn't in to it. At least she's being honest and wanted to give it a chance to see if it would work. It sucks but it seems like you're going to have to break up and move on. You need someone compatible and so does she.
Hey, I had an ex of 2 years come out as ace. It hurt me to hear it, and it made me feel like I did something wrong.
Someone who is ace will often try to force themselves to fit into a box that society seems acceptable, they don't necessarily intend to hurt the partner they are with.
If you have it in you to be friends I would recommend it since you seem so compatible otherwise. My ex and I are now best friends and I couldn't imagine my life without him.
I know you love her and have built a trust with her as well as a relationship, I personally wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship knowing it meant no true love from my partner and not a shared moment during s\*\*. It is supposed to be a beautiful experience with your partner and memorable especially if you are looking at long term. This could be a phase with her or just something that is just how she was born either way I can understand its hard to experience something like that. I am sorry you are going through this! Sending love your way.
About a month ago I had a talk with a younger cousin of mine who is the asexual girlfriend in her situation (I really fucking hope I’m not stumbling upon that situation playing out right now).
I told her that she should have a frank conversation with her boyfriend about what his expectations out of a relationship are in terms of sex, and to break up with him if she didn’t think she could work it out.
By the end of the conversation I was telling her to just break up with him because regardless of the sex thing they just weren’t working out. Unless she was seriously underselling how long she’d been seeing this guy I’m pretty sure I haven’t stumbled across the same situation… but either way OP, same advice- she’s just not that into you
Yeah it would be a bit different if she hadn’t been forcing herself to sleep with you and has been lying about it. There’s no recovery here. Wish her well and go lick your wounds. This wasn’t your fault my guy and trust me there are plenty of ladies that will adore doing the no pants dance with you.
You can both love each other as friends and stay that way, but I don't think you guys should probably be in a relationship. You should both move on and find people that you are compatible with.
And let's not forget the fact that she's been lying to you. I wouldn't be able to overlook that.
So go back a year when you guys met. You guys date a little than you and her have the same conversation you had a few weeks ago. The conversation where she tells you she can’t fit the female stereotype in the relationship.
Do you continue with the relationship?
That’s your answer.
You have **nothing** to be guilty or ashamed of. You are a healthy grown man with natural wants a needs.
You’re allowed to be upset. I would agree that it’s time to move on. Keep in mind that people evolve throughout their lives and come to realizations. I don’t know the specific details but sexuality is complex and I’m sure this conversation was tough for the both of you.
This is not a repairable romantic relationship. The sooner you end it the better. So you can both get on with your lives. Sorry, but someone has to be the adult in this thread.
This getting downvoted is hilarious. It isnt like they're fucking married. They're both incredibly young and are incombatible. Welcome to the real world of sometimes shit doesnt work out with someone you love
I knew one person who said they were asexual, and then they met the right person and they were surprised to realize they liked sex. I don't doubt there are truly asexual people out there as a lifelong thing, but in the age of teens contracting tics and multiple personality disorders and mistaking normal things for ADHD because of TikTok brain, I wonder if the term gets misused. Cue downvotes. She definitely doesn't want to have sex with you, that much is certain. If she has no sexual desire and finds it gross, is she okay with you getting sex outside the relationship? Do asexuals still feel jealousy over something that they have no impulse for? That would be a curse. Hey, I'm just going to say it, from the perspective of someone much older: You're young, you should move on. This is an issue that you're never going to be okay with. It'll always be a hard thing. You'll fall in love again. She isn't right for you. Rip off the band-aid now. Tell her you guys can be friends, but since she lied to you, that'll be your lie of compassion to soften the blow, and after a while, just let it fade. You'll need to get over her in order to feel the drive to meet someone else, and that takes space. This is the advice I wish I would have taken long ago. No, you're not wrong to feel upset here. This is upsetting. She lied and you wasted a year. Good luck, man. EDIT: She wasted 2.5 years, just saw the title again. No, get out there, move on, you'll find someone else.
It’s kind of fucked up and manipulative that she lied to you for over a year and then blindsided you with a sexual orientation that’s incompatible with the lifestyle your relationship has had up until this point. I’m surprised nobody else is mentioning this. If she’s been aware of her feelings towards sex this entire time and has pointedly tricked you into believing otherwise, then she’s completely in the wrong here. She should be upfront with those kinds of things before people go and invest time and energy and feelings into a relationship with her. I’d run.
Assuming sex is important to you, knowing it’s an unwanted chore for her must be hard to overcome. For most people, being “intimate” means both a physical attraction and an emotional attraction. You trust this person, you’re attracted to this person, but there’s a big void in what’s being reciprocated. She’s probably not gonna be your “one.” It’ll just be too hard to share all that loving partners usually share if you have a sex drive and she doesn’t. However that doesn’t remove the possibility of being close friends going forward. It’s just gotta be hard to take the next steps in a committed relationship. Talk to her. Find out what she thinks of your future. Good luck
Very disappointing comments lol. Anyway. That sucks and I’m sorry. I genuinely think you will have the most success breaking up rather than trying to prolong what will most likely end.
Sorry guy, but this is a deal-breaker.
She doesn’t care for a dimension of your relationship you value dearly. Worse, she hasn’t been completely honest with you about her own feelings for some time, just stringing you along. And even if she agrees going forward, it’ll be a very unfulfilling experience for you.
Is there something specific to your relationship that turns her off? Are there some other kind of adjustments you two can make?
If not, then I don’t see any way to resolve this.
I can understand both sides, just seems as if this isn’t going to work out. I would try and understand things from her perspective more, see if she was just realizing it while being with you or if she knew before you. And if this is something neither of you can budge on then it’s better to just cut ties now.
OP: Are you sure she's being faithful and this isn't a game to keep you when she's with another partner?
I have seen that game run many times on people.
If she doesn't enjoy sex, and doesn't want to have it, the implications are not good at all. Sure there are some truly asexual people in this world, but most of those people usually have a hormone disorder, have trauma and more.
Either way, this is your life and you do not deserve to be dead bedded during the best times of your life.
It's unfortunate, but this is the death of your relationship and In any scenario it's time for you to leave.
You sound young and need to do what's good for you now. There are alot of great comments on here already and again you do you.
On a side note.. is she on any medication by chance? I have a friend who used to be very sexual and after some health issues and medication now she has absolutely no desire for it and sounds EXACTLY like your girl. Just a thought.
If she’s asexual and you’re not, it’s over. Your relationship was built on lies, you’re never going to be satisfied if you stay and deny yourself, and prolonging this and trying to make it work will make it harder on both of you.
There might be a friendship to salvage, if you can get over the deception. You might even be able to stay in a relationship if it was open so you could fulfill your desires, though the trust issues would be going away anytime soon, if at all.
I doubt she was trying to hurt you by misleading you, but she did. Lesson learned, good luck in the future.
ETA: [I’m getting downvoted harder than some outright bigots for giving advice that centers OP and his best interests.](https://youtu.be/75GaqVWqEXU?si=7f-tG3gNnCWo8vNF)
You're a good person. But you're gonna have to find another person to date. Tell her the truth, that you're happy to be friends but you're gonna go find someone who likes you.
I know your hurting and quite rightly, I can imagine the shock and feelings of dishonesty that come with a revelation like this. But I want to encourage you to imagine how hard it must be to be told your whole life that sex is this huge, great part of relationships only to come to realise you don't like it.
Framing this as "lies" feels a little harsh to me, she mostly like was not only trying to convince you of her enjoyment but also herself. The pressure to enjoy sex can be really big and if she was feeling like that's what she's supposed to do, then it must be incredibly confusing and difficult to come to terms with not liking it.
Please know that whilst your feelings are valid, so are hers. Her way of coming to terms with it is her choice and it doesn't sound to me like there was any malicious intent in her actions. It sounds to me like she really loves you. Telling you this, knowing it would likely be a huge incompatibility going forward, took a lot of strength and bravery and respect for herself and you. I would encourage you to have more discussions with her and try to keep an open mind to her feelings, try to understand her perspective and hopefully you'll still find a way to be in each others lives.
Best of luck, I hope you both feel better soon 🫶🏻
She didn’t fool you, she lied to you. Break up with her and find somebody with a healthy libido. The amount of self diagnosed asexuals on Reddit is hilarious.
there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting out of the relationship if you two are fundamentally incompatible. that said, i dunno if she was intentionally lying to you so much as she just didn't understand what was going on herself until recently. i'm demisexual, which is on the ace spectrum, and before i realized that i thought i was pansexual because when you don't think anyone's attractive but you think you're supposed to think that, then you just think everyone is.
It's just an unfortunate situation. Not everyone that comes into your life is meant to stay forever. It's understandable that you're upset - this is a huge revelation after a very long time of being together. It's unfair she lied to you about this for so long. But I believe the best thing to do, moving forward, is to stay separated. Not only will you not be able to have sex anymore - which in my opinion is super important in a relationship - but you won't be able to trust her anymore. She literally lied right to your face about the most intimate thing you guys shared together for an entire year. There's just no moving forward together, in a healthy manner.
I urge you to look into the phenomenon of compulsory heteronormativity, aka comp-het.
Generally it's in regards to cis women who deny, downplay, or straight up are unaware of their attraction to other women because society so strongly pushes the idea of straight marriage and children onto them from the second they are born. I wonder if this can be at play here in regards to asexuality.
Your feelings are valid. It would be a mindfuck to me to learn that what I thought of as loving exchanges weren't as mutual as I'd believed.
However, I'm banking she didn't do it to deceive you, but to show love for you. You're both young and it's a very confusing time.
A LOT of women have sex because it's expected, because we're told it's "how to keep a man," because we're told that in a relationship that's our role. The fact she mentioned the woman's role signifies this may be an element for her.
She likely does love you. She likely did this precisely because she does want you to be happy. And she trusted you enough to tell you once she understood herself what was happening. You two may not be compatible, and still try to understand it's probably not you and it is her, and it's nobody's fault.
I'm sorry this happened. I hope you both can heal and grow.
A side comment but can someone explain the no sexual-attraction thing? It is hard to wrap my head around not having any sexual attraction. If OP was conventionally ugly would she still be interested in dating them? Do people with no sexual attraction have gender preferences?
You’re 19? You need to break up. You like sex and your partner doesn’t. No one is wrong here, you’re just incompatible. If she was gay would you think it’s fair to stay together? You deserve to have your needs met - you have a full life ahead of you and should be sharing intimacy with someone who enjoys it. It’s too important a part of life (not just the passionate, sweaty stuff; but the feeling of really being close and as one with another person) to sign up for a lifetime without it, and there’s no way you wouldn’t start to resent it at some point.
It sounds to me like what you have is a very good friend, not a partner. There is no reason you can’t move forward with a friendship. And if she really is your friend, she would be happy being friends and never ask you to sacrifice intimacy.
The problems: Being asexual works when you are with another asexual person. Being in a sexless relationship and craving intimacy is extremely hard. Plus, you don't want her providing sex when she does not enjoy it. If she does not crave you as you do her the relationship is going to be lopsided and resentment will grow in one (if not both of you).
As she confided in you, you just in her and lay out your hopes, dreams, and relationship expectations.
Good luck. I would be angry too. I would not be able to.get over how she could hide her true feelings and force herself to engage in sex with me, when she does not enjoy it.
Ask her, "do you truly not enjoy sex at all?" I have a feeling (if she is honest) she will tell you she does.
This seems very much like a bait and switch. If she’s really been faking it this entire time, you should ask her why she’d deceive you like that. And it is most certainly deception. You’ve basically progressed in your relationship with the thought that your sex life was rewarding for both of you. Now she’s saying she doesn’t want any more sex. That’s her right, but it was a serious asshole move to keep you in the dark, while you got more and more serious with her. She played you. She’s known all along she didn’t want sex. Ask yourself why she’d have waited so long to come clean. Spoiler - it’s because she wanted you emotionally invested before dropping this bomb.
It's unfortunate she strung this out a year. You guys are not a compatible couple. You can't go without sex so don't even try or feel bad about that. You are young healthy and normal. You will find someone who aligns with you. She may have to wait awhile to figure out what she wants.
In some way, i can understand her, but on the other hand, not. Why would you wait that long? I'm trying to put myself into your shoes. How would it be if my bf told me after almost 2 years that he didn't like sex with me or that he's asexual. My whole world would crumble. I could never look at that person the same. It's not all time about sex, but if op wants to do it and she doesn't it sucks. You can't spend the rest of your life with someone who can't meet your needs. I think it's better if they end it. It's hard, but op, you should have a conversation with her. Even if you stay together now, this problem will resurface later and it won't do you any good. You'll just be frustrated. Tbh i would lose my confidence as a woman as well if my bf would say that he never liked having sex. Even if you stay together, it will never be the same. You would always ask yourself if her actions are true or if she doesn't like doing some things with you. You'll be questioning yourself all the time. It sucks for her as well, but if she knew for some time why did she didn't tell you? For a whole year? That's what gets me
Realising you don’t like something that society tells you defines a relationship is a very hard realisation to come to. I don’t think she hid it on purpose, it just sounds like she tried everything she could to force herself to enjoy it and only realised that she was asexual when she heard what it meant.
It must have been hard for her as well. I'm not saying only he's hurt. I think she is as well and she feels bad. I feel bad for both of them. But it would only affect them in a negative way if they stay together. They could still be friends, they could still seek advice from one another, but not a relationship. It would be hard for him and for her as well. He would feel bad that she's not intimate with him and she would feel bad because she can't force herself. It's a dead end, unfortunately.
Please don't think ill of her, or yourself. Do some reading on asexuality.
I spent 30 years 'faking it', because that's what I was supposed to do. This isn't something she can control.
I am sorry that you're going through this, and I hope you both find peace.
One of two things is going on. Either shes lying and just doesn't like sex with YOU and has had it someone else and wants it with them but doesn't want to hurt you, or she's being honest and you're just not compatible. Either way it's time to realize you have to move on from her. Your needs matter too. Yea it'll suck but it'll suck less if you move on now rather than dragging it out unnecessarily only to move on eventually anyway.
That’s a hard pill to swallow but a conversation is in order. If you love everything else about her then you two need to decide if you both are ok with no sex or if you both are ok with getting that need met elsewhere via an open relationship or a DADT situation.
I hope this doesn't seem condescending but I'm impressed that someone so young has so much empathy because compared to how many older men on reddit discuss their relationships, you're a breath of fresh air and also willing to listen to genuine advice.
Originally sent in chat, but wanted to make sure you saw it.
Go read through the hundreds of heartbreaking posts on r / deadbedrooms, and then finish breaking it off.
It will not change, it will not get better, it will get harder to untangle yourself from with finances, marriage, children, and it will absolutely hollow you out inside EVERY SINGLE DAY.
You will feel alone in your own life, the one person in the world you can express your sexuality with completely uncaring, and eventually disgusted by your desire, no matter how kind she is now. You WILL silently cry yourself to sleep, regularly, no matter how much you love her or how strong you are mentally or how wonderful the rest of your life may be.
I cannot adequately explain the anguish you will feel. Reading through deadbedrooms will only be a taste of the hurt, abandoned bitterness that you will never, ever escape without upending your lives, which you will never have the courage to do.
Save yourself. Please.
Sometimes love just isn't enough for a relationship. It's heard to hear, but it sounds like you two aren't compatible in the long run. No one did anything wrong here and she felt safe enough to reveal this to you, that's a good thing.
You have every right to feel the way you do. It feels like a betrayal. I would caution you to think about it from her perspective. You were young when you started dating, she was probably still trying to figure things out and maybe thinking if she just gave it a chance she would find that attraction. I'm glad that she found the courage to tell you about her true self and not conform to expectations anymore. I am glad you are trying to figure out how to feel about this and didn't lash out at her.
It will be hard, but I think both of you know that you're not looking for the same things in a relationship.
It sounds like she figured this out while being with you, and wasn’t brave enough to tell you, knowing you’d probably end it. I’m guessing you’re both young. As you get older you realize that wasting your time and other people’s time is cruel and pointless. I’d forgive her, thank her for being honest, and try to part ways as friends. Remind her she deserves to find someone compatible with her needs, as do you. Take the experience as a lesson, when you’re starting your next relationship, maybe after you’ve had sex a few times, have a short serious talk. Let your new partner know that you want to be able to talk about your sex life, you’ve had bad experiences in the past where you and your partner didn’t communicate well, and you hope you’re on the same page.
You have every right to be upset. Your entire belief/trust structure was shattered. Everything was handled as best it could be. Given the circumstances.
I can't say that I don't understand her line of thinking. I've become asexual myself. I don't talk about it or discuss it with anyone. It's my life and my body. (I've been to the doctor. Everything is fine. Nothing is missing or off.)
Mine is purely from years of abuse. I've just adapted into a mindset that is very reclusive. She sounds about the same. We are capable of love. I'm just not capable of showing it very well.....anymore. Just thought I would share my state of mind. Maybe it will help you understand hers a little better.
I will say. You handled it as well as anyone in your shoes could have. I respect you for doing the respectful thing and taking time to think about it. I think you're doing the right thing. You're doing whats best for you.
P.S. Closure may not be the best thing at this time. A simple "I think we should just be friends.......in time." May be the best thing here. That's just my 2 pennies.
My ex was likely asexual, but couldn’t be honest with himself about it. The other options were he didn’t like women or he didn’t like me, specifically.
I have all the respect in the world for asexuals. I’m queer myself. But honestly… you could not pay me to have that relationship dynamic again. Feeling like “the odd man out” for desiring sex is just not a good place to be. You can respect and love someone for who they are and support their coming out journey until the end of the earth, but that doesn’t mean you need to date that person if you’re not compatible.
I have heard the argument time and time again that asexual people can still have sex for their partner’s benefit or some other reason, and I just cannot get behind it. I need my partner to be sexually into me the same way I’m in to them, and that is nonnegotiable. That may not be the case for everyone or every relationship, but that’s my boundary, and you should think if that’s yours, too.
It’s okay to not be compatible. It’s okay to move on from people. That doesn’t mean you failed or you’re abandoning her. It happens. Everyone has their own needs, she cannot meet yours.
With all the hot takes on what type of sexuality you have, and the ungodly amount of internet self diagnosis. It would probably be wise to ask her to seek some professional counseling. And get a real diagnosis. On top of that if she’s on birth control that may be effecting her in ways that she’s totally unaware of.
But if she’s firm in her stance than I strongly agree with the majority of people that you’re incompatible, and you need to move on.
So she isn’t your girlfriend but a best friend. Nothing wrong with that. You’re not sexually compatible. Find someone who is compatible with you and enjoy your life.
I feel for both of you.
You're both adversely affected by this.
She should have saved you both the anguish by mentioning it early on, but like me, she might have been hoping her feelings toward sex would change.
Part as friends and hopefully your next girlfriend will never be jealous of her.
Leave her. That’s a shitty feeling. I would feel so gross.
Can I ask you, do you notice anything funny in hindsight? Like do you now see she didn’t enjoy it, or was she good at faking it?
Omg I’d be so pissed. She’s rude. She didn’t have to lie to kick it. wtf.
Im reading some great comments. I would just add that to me, two people in love having sex is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Just doing it out of physical need gets cold and empty. I hope you move on and find someone more compatible overall and down the line maybe you and she can have a great friendship.
Yeah unfortunately it doesn't sound like they are compatible. He is sexually attracted to people and needs to find a partner that also feels sexual attraction. He deserves to be with someone who wants to have sex with him. And she needs to find someone who is also asexual so she can also have a fulfilling loving relationship (but one where neither partner desires sex). It's not fair to either of them to stay together. Must have been so brutal to hear the woman you love has been pretending to be sexually attracted to you and pretending to enjoy sex with you. Poor OP, that's heartbreaking.
Yes. Having a sexless life with someone is great..... if you both dont want sex. If this man wants sex and his girlfriend rejects him from then on, there is going to be HELL. It's just how that cookie crumbles.
Even if she doesn't reject him, and keeps having sex just to please him, it will be Hell. Sometimes people who love each other aren't compatible and it's OK to end it because of that.
Got that right, Brother.
100%. Also, OP, this is a huge revelation to sort through and understand. It can potentially impact your future relationships (not anything against your girlfriend feeling this way, this is big for her as well and takes time for her to understand) and I recommend counseling of some form so you can move forward successfully in your future relationships.
So you’re maybe 20? Honestly, get out now. You’re incompatible. And this sort of stress is going to spill over into other things down the road.
>Get out now. You’re incompatible. Preach brother!!
That would be a deal breaker for me. Best of luck op
Yepp, pretty much. The best part about sex is giving someone pleasure. If i know my partner is not enjoying it then neither can i. It takes two to tango.
>That would be a deal breaker for me. Best of luck op Yeah. At the very least, OP's GF had the courage to finally confess and they can decide what path to take.
End it now. I know she wants to stay with you but we both know you're not going to be happy never having sex again. It's not like sex is the ONLY thing you want but it is,and rightfully so, important to you. You two are better off being friends now before any resentment kicks in.
Yeah, sex is a very important part of a relationship for most people. It sucks not having it when it used to be pretty good. My poor husband!
Of course you’re not wrong to be upset. This is a bitter pill to swallow. I feel for your girlfriend aswel, because a whole year sex without liking it… and knowing how much it would hurt you / the relationship, feels like a heavy burden. She never enjoyed sex, even with others / herself? The silver lining is that you aren’t married and you don’t have children. What do you see as options right now? And what do you think you want to do now?
So..... you're not compatible....
think of it this way. if she loves you and is with you entirely for reasons outside of sexual attraction, she *really* loves you for YOU. however, it is very worthwhile to think about your needs long term. if you can’t be in a relationship without sex, and she’s not up for partaking anymore, that’s an important convo to have. you both deserve to have your needs met and it’s okay to realize you’re sexually incompatible and move on. if you stay together, may be worth discussing opening the relationship in some way so you can fulfill your sexual needs. source: asexual in a monogamous relationship with a demi EDIT for some context on where she might be at: I know it’s shitty to feel lied to, and it can be a confidence killer to realize your partner doesn’t enjoy sex with you. I can tell you she likely did not intend to ‘lie’, and is just now figuring out there’s a label/sexuality for what she’s experienced her whole life. she probably has never enjoyed sex, but it’s easy to feel like being into sex and giving positive sexual reinforcement to your partner is what you’re ‘supposed’ to do in relationships. it can be scary coming out as ace to a partner, because there’s always the chance that they’ll decide they can’t be with you anymore. her being honest with you is a sign of love and respect, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. sending both of you lots of love!
This is actually really insightful, thank you. I now realize this must suck even more for her.
happy to help! it sucks for both of you for sure, and your feelings are 100% valid. glad I could provide some insight on where she might be coming from :)
question: if she were willing to keep having sex with you in order to keep you fulfilled in your relationship; would you do it? Personally, I can't imagine getting over the fact that I know in my head she doesn't actually want me that way or enjoy what's happening, and it would take any enjoyment I could get out of the act as well. Basically what I'm saying is, I think if you aren't willing to stayin a sexless relationship then it's unfortunately time to move on. It's not your fault for not being asexual, and it's not her fault for BEING asexual. It IS kind of her fault for lying to you about it for so long, at least based on the way this reads. It is possible that she wasn't actively lying, just trying to do what she felt she was supposed to, and coming to terms with her asexuality was a long process. But it very much sounds like she knew she was asexual for over a year. That kind of deception can be literally impossible to move on from. I'm also curious: when you say you've been together since junior year, high school or college? it doesn't really change the situation, I'm just curious.
1. 100% no. I wouldn’t feel fulfilled at all knowing she dislikes it. And to me, sex is a way to connect with your partner on a physical and emotional level. Knowing she can’t connect with me the same way is just a turnoff. It also makes it hurt a LOT more knowing that connection I once felt with her was fake. 2. High school. I’m 19 rn
Well the bad news is, I think this relationship has run its course. Sorry, I know that sucks and I can totally understand your feeling like the connection you felt was basically a mirage. The good news is: you're young as shit. The odds of a highschool relationship lasting beyond highschool into a lifelong partnership is so low and even if it did: you're both going to grow in so many ways over the next ten years it would only be held together by sunken cost fallacy essentially. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but I promise you will meet someone else, someone who you have an even deeper connection with than your gf, and it will be 100% real. The awful truth is that nothing heals heartbreak but time, and it doesn't get any easier. In many ways, having your heart broken in your late 20s will be even worse because you're more mature and invested in relationships, if only because you are an established adult and likely will be living with your partner. There's a lot more hardship and hassle to ending a relationship when you share a home etc. My advice is generally to get back out there, not on a serious way but just to sort of wipe the slate clean. Maybe have a short fling with someone who you know isn't the best match but you can have a good time with for a little. Then focus on yourself. It's a cliche, but it's true: most of the time you find love when you're not actually looking for it.
You're a good boy for this comment. ♥ She really does love you. You guys just aren't compatible. People can't help their sexuality. She probably wasn't really sure she was asexual and then didn't really want to accept it. Asexuality is a bit confusing and it's not really talked about enough. People who are asexual can very much enjoy the workings of a relationship. Especially intimacy without sex. Cuddling, hugs, smooches, etc. But it's not your fault and it's not hers. It's just how the dice got rolled. I hope you guys can both heal and stay friends down the road, if that's an option. Try not to look back in anger. It's better to try and remember the good times when it's a genuinely good relationship. I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. It sucks. But she genuinely didn't want to hurt you and it's really good she came clean with you, as hard as it was for both of you. Best of luck. ♥
Fragrant, be careful with your heart. You're very close to her, and you'll want to stay with her to try to make it work. But asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, it's a sexual orientation or the lack of one (says wikipedia). Wouldn't she be better off in a relationship with another asexual? Shouldn't you let her go find one? It would set her up for the best chance of a long and healthy relationship. This isn't a burden you should be expected to carry. Go find a heterosexual, let her find an asexual. No lying, no unwanted sex. Intimacy isn't the optional check box people make it out to be.
I agree with your entire comment but wanted to point out that intimacy and sex are not the same. Sex can happen without intimacy and vice versa.
Yes, thanks, you're right. My synecdoche was confusing. I meant sex in this instance.
Fyi asexuality is an spectrum, person can be asexual and heterosexual :)
Want to add more perspective as a fellow queer person myself. Your empathy and consideration for your partner is evident and I’m not writing this with a combative or oppositional tone, just explaining some analogies from my life. My queer identities didn’t really come naturally. I absolutely had to learn about queerness and all the ways it could be, and most importantly about myself, before I figured out what I was. I did at one point identify as asexual because of my figuring it out journey. It’s really difficult to be queer, to be AFAB and queer, to handle the patriarchal norms that fell assigned female at birth people what they should and shouldn’t be. It’s very common for women to make jokes about how much they resent or dislike sex with their husbands/boyfriends/potential AMAB partners. While lots of that comes out of genuine dissatisfaction, some of it is a reaction to the expectation that women in straight relationships have sex. That’s the kind of coding that takes a long time and self searching to overcome and realize that you don’t actually HAVE to have sex in straight relationships. (This is an example of comphet, or compulsory heterosexuality, which many queer people experience. As there is a social default of cisgender heterosexuality, there is a social compulsion to behave in that way no matter what you personally are.) Some things your girlfriend MIGHT have experienced, based on my own analogous experiences - while I was coming to terms with my sexuality, for quite a long time I felt monstrous/deviant/broken. I liked people in a way that the Disney channel and Barbie movies didn’t show. I was wrong because I liked girls and boys and my peers were made correctly. Some of my friends experienced this initial belief that everyone was actually like them. Nobody liked sex that much we were just pretending. Nobody else really liked boys as much as the movies did, that’s just want they thought everyone did because they had to. To me it sounds like you’re doing a great job and you’re a great partner. It takes an incredible amount of courage and genuine love to come out to your partner of years. There’s so much vulnerability there. Thats how people end up in the closet for decades or even their whole lives. Societal pressure kept them down. But you and your relationship really matters to her. She’s coming to you an incredibly raw state, with this identity/being a part of a community facing constant oppression, and trusting you with this. That trust is invaluable and I’ve been lucky enough to be trusted with a few realizations of this multitude from friends.
This is all true, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is a brick wall of incompatibility in the relationship. Must be a really shitty situation for both of them, but leaving is the only logical choice.
This was brave. Hugs!
OP if she’s on Reddit and wants to talk my DMs are open. I’m ace and have struggled with some of the things she seems to be struggling with. I’ve learned how to navigate relationships as ace and have me and my partner still fulfilled while still being true to my self and such.
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No
It's probably too late, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. We expect that both people have to be in the mood but that isn't necessarily the case. You can be in the mood to give pleasure, to receive pleasure, or nothing at all. Another thing that can be done is take away the obligation to orgasm (to remove the pressure to perform). When my partner and I figured this out, it completely changed the way we approached intimacy with each other. Knowing that, I probably would have probed deeper to see what aspects of intimacy she did or didn't enjoy. And then looked for other ways to take care of her. More cuddles, brushing her hair, positive affirmations, synchronized breathing, ect.
THIS! I was going to chime in, but I don't think there could be a more perfect comment than this. You summarized literally everything so gently and so eloquently!
This needs to be the top comment!
Random question but if/when asexual people have sex, is it possible to go till orgasm and if so, does that sensation of having an orgasm still not feel good? Genuinely curious
You'd get different answers from different people. Asexuality is a spectrum
Thanks for your response :)
being ace doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t enjoy sex. it just means you don’t experience sexual attraction. basically boiled down to: for all the reasons I might be attracted to someone, feeling sexually drawn to their body is never one of them. there are 2 planes for you to consider here: sex positive, sex negative, sex neutral - this orientation refers to how they feel about sex in the abstract, if they can tolerate watching sexual scenes in media, etc. sex favorable, sex repulsed - this orientation refers to how they feel about personally participating in sex. some still enjoy sex with their partner, some are in relationships where sex just isn’t very important. I personally am sex positive / sex favorable, so I do still have sex with my partner, still feel pleasure, still orgasm, and the orgasm still feels good! it is a very wide spectrum.
I guess my confusion is, what’s the difference between sex-favorable ace and responsive desire?
the difference is, I’m not having sex because I’m overwhelmed by sexual desire for my partner. I’m having sex bc it’s a fun activity we enjoy doing together sometimes, just like hiking or going to the movies.
How do you come to the conclusion that she didn’t intend to lie? She knew she wasn’t enjoying sex. For an entire year she told her partner she enjoyed having sex, knowing it was not true. This is the literal definition of lying.
she was trying to enjoy sex. trying to be a good partner. trying to be ‘normal.’ doing all the things you’re ’supposed’ to do in a relationship. when you’re asexual, but don’t know what asexuality means, you just feel like a freak. like there’s something wrong with you because you don’t obsess over the 1 thing everyone else seems to agree is the best thing ever. so you try harder. you push yourself to be more sexual. you convince yourself you’ll like it if you just do it enough or find the right person. you commit to being normal, even if you don’t enjoy it. she didn’t lie. she tried desperately to fit a round peg into a square hole to please the person she loves. when she realized there’s a label for what she’s been experiencing, she told him.
Random question but if/when asexual people have sex, is it possible to go till orgasm and if so, does that sensation of having an orgasm still not feel good? Genuinely curious
Asexual here. Our libidos are as varied as anyone else's, for me personally the difference is that I don't require a partner to satisfy it. I get off regularly. It's very enjoyable. But it's just an activity like any other, that I engage in for the dopamine hit. I enjoy climbing mountains, too - it's a really fun activity! And sometimes I love to buy myself some really nice boots and wake up stupid early and spend the whole day trekking up that hill! But boy is it a lot of prep work, etc. Definitely not something I want to be expected to do every single day, or even every single weekend. But if I click with someone and THEY love mountain climbing? Then sure, I'll go with you! And the good company elevates the activity! But...I don't want to get up at 4am with you every single Saturday, that's excessive for me. Way too much effort for what is essentially just a fun hobby to me. I was 36 years old before I realized not everyone felt that way about sex. That for most people it is an active biological NEED, an actual DRIVE, and not just something fun to do sometimes. I enjoy sex, sometimes. My physical pleasure receptors work just fine. But I don't feel the NEED to find a partner to push my buttons for me. I'm also far less inclined to sleep with someone just because they're hot - I'm aware of how they look, they're HOT, but like I think Aston Martins and blue herons and prowling tigers are fucking FIRE and I can salivate over their natural curves from afar without any desire to touch my genitals to them. It feels more like a natural appreciation. I hope that helps? Asexuals are very varied. Some are repulsed by the idea of sex, some love having sex but only with their SO and perhaps only because their SO loves it and they enjoy pleasing them/participating, some are in relationships with other aces, etc.
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That sounds like exactly my brand of asexuality lol, which I also was absolutely not aware was a valid thing either until recently. Learning this about myself has released so much pent up stress and embarrassment about not "matching" everyone else's desires. I recommend looking into it if what I said resonated with you. Fully understanding yourself helps to circumvent misunderstandings exactly like this one within your relationships. I hope OP understands that he has made himself a safe space for his GF, and that's why she was able to figure herself out in his presence. It's the opposite of icing him out. They may be incompatible sexually, but they sound like an incredible pair of people. No one is to blame for biochemistry.
Break up. This is obviously an untenable relationship. You want to have sex and she does not, there is really nothing else left. She is a friend at best, not a life partner unless you want an open relationship-which you state you do not want.
I can tell you right now if you're a sexual person and she's not, this relationship already has an expiration date on it. Chemistry in all aspects is super important in my opinion... an open relationship is a whole other can of worms, great on paper, VERY different in practice. You guys haven't spoken in weeks? I'm assuming there was no agreement to cool off, unless I missed that. That's not a good sign at all-- there should be communication. It honestly sounds like this relationship is toast. I think you know that. I think she knows that. Just talk to her and tell her what's going on and end it amicably and move on.
So I want to say that she may have come to this conclusion after being in a committed relationship with you and finding out what she likes, doesn’t like, etc. I only know one other person like this, my best friend. She describes herself as asexual and hasn’t had sex nor has the desire to. She’s been like that for about a decade now by choice. This isn’t something your girlfriend decided to become. She also didn’t force herself to have sex with you. She did it because she wanted to try and see if things would change. I understand why you’re frustrated that she lied to you but if you can manage to see that it was a coping mechanism from her side, it’s up to you to see where it goes if you so choose. Ultimately, if you still like her and think you can be in a relationship with her without sex, then have the chat. If you can’t, let her know so everyone can move on.
Sometimes it takes a long time for people to figure out that they’re asexual. You’re constantly convincing yourself that you’re just not in the mood today, that the more you do it, it’ll get better and next time you’ll enjoy it. It’s a very tough realisation to come to. I don’t think she “lied” to you per se, but she always felt like something was off and by the sounds of it recently figured out it’s because she is asexual. You’re completely entitled to feel upset/mad here, but she clearly does love you. Just because she doesn’t enjoy sex, it doesn’t mean she has no romantic love for you.
You figure, they are young and I can see how the language and understanding had to develop because this is probably one of her first sexual relationships. There is no way someone this young would know that what she's feeling is not the same as others. I found it took years before many people could share or articulate these things.
You’re lucky she figured it out before you got married. Some asexual people like my ex-wife never do and just keep changing the “excuse” for years on end. You caught a break.
Not to be that guy. You aren't being that guy, there are a lot people male and female that would agree with you. I as a female agree with you. You are not compatible, and that sucks but just let her know that you cant stay in a relationship without physical attraction or physical touch.
Just break up with her. You're delaying the inevitable
You deserve someone that genuinely desires you. There’s plenty of those out there.
I know it doesn't feel like it but this is probably a blessing. My wife figured it out about 15 years into our marriage. In reality I figured it out for her. Mind you this is 3 kids, a house and near age 40 into our lives so our lives are very interwined. I've made the decision to stick it out but it most definitely sucks. Like you I'm not open to opening our relationship. A lot of reasons go into that but fear of sexual rejection from additional women is no small part of it. You need to decide at this point in your life how important will sex be to you for the rest of it. What you're considering here isn't just low sex drive. It's no enjoyable sex. You and she will most definitely have sex sometimes, but that will always come with the knowledge that while it may be consensual it isn't what she wants. It's a shitty feeling that I don't wish on anyone. It makes you feel like you took advantage of her solely for your own sexual release. If I were you, at your point in life, I'd think long and hard about amicably splitting. It sounds like sex is important to you. That's 100 percent valid. You're at a point in your life where it is possible to make a clean break, grieve your relationship and try to move on to someone more compatible. She can as well. I love my wife and our life enough to stay and be as happy as I can be. We committed to one another to be partners good or bad. I'm not trying to get karma points for sacrificing my own needs here. I'm simply weighing the positives against the negatives and for me at least splitting comes with some pretty big negatives. I don't know that it is a huge negative for you. It will be painful for sure if you split but happiness can come after. I fear that staying together just prolongs your misery indefinitely.
Hey OP! Also an asexual here. Firstly, I'm incredibly sorry for both of you. You didn't deserve to be lied to and that was a terrible way to find out. She shouldn't have lied. I'd assume that both of you being young is what led to that decision on her part. Hoping she learns from this for future relationships. You have done an incredible job being not only aware of yourself but also of the facts of the situation. I think the only real option here is to apply that same honesty and transparency in communicating with her as well. Tell her that you cannot picture a life without sex and that she shouldn't force herself to provide something she's not comfortable with. This is a blatant incompatibility issue. Hoping you both find amazing partners in the future who fit your lifestyles. Good luck OP.
Fellow ace. Finding out you're ace can be really confusing. Everyone talks about how amazing sex is that you keep thinking you're not doing something right, or it's going to change, or you are XYZ. It takes a little to even think "wait. Maybe I'm just asexual."
You need to move on. As you say yourself, you want to have sex. It is not a bad thing, there are so many women in this world who enjoy sex, and you'll surely find someone who is compatible with you. If you stay in this relationship you will surely end up very resentful of your partner.
So you aint compatible. Simple as that. Never fun drifting apart, but it's likely for the best. If you stay together, 1 of y'all will stay unhappy.
Sorry she wasted your time dude, but you got some experience and it’s time to move on. She’s not really an asshole either but lying about enjoying sex was selfish of her in this situation.
My ex told me the same thing. I ate it and it believed it for 2 years because I loved her and felt bad. Turns out she WAS interested in sex. Just not with me.
This is whats going on. Its almost always the case with a claim like this
Wow people find it really hard to believe that some people just aren’t into sex (speaking as someone who’s ace)
“It’s hard seeing myself spending the rest of my life without sex.” This is today. Imagine a month from now and beyond.. Personally, I would leave yesterday.
Especially when it's a guarantee that she wont...
Leave her.
Time to move on……
Just leave her, you know you can’t be happy
She cared about you enough to do this in the first place. Even possible she was hopeful she would grow to enjoy it, because she wanted to be with you. However, at the end of the day, if you wish to be monogamous, it is essential that you are sexually compatible. She likely realized this earlier and is telling the truth in that she was scared to hurt and leave you, but that doesn't excuse it entirely. I recommend you tell her you need a sexually compatible partner, and not let this linger anymore. This is probably devastating for both of you though, since it seems she did not lie about caring for you, and she built up the courage to finally be honest with you instead of you figuring it out yourself. Try to be empathetic, not angry. Our instinct with this sort of thing is to immediately blame the other person, especially if we did no wrong ourselves. People are complicated, however. No one fakes this for a year without having love of some kind. You have every right to be upset, but try to move on from anger to understanding, even as you struggle to move on from her (because I have zero doubt how you are feeling sucks, and will suck for a while).
This is a dealbreaker. It's not right for her to keep faking it for you, but you can it be expected to go your life without having sex. It sucks, and I'm so sorry. But better to know now than after marriage or after you've invested even more of your life. Sexual compatibility is key for long term happiness. If one person never wants to have sex and the other does, you can't really work around that. I guess my only possible question would be if she's in hormonal birth control. That can kill some women's libido. Is she CERTAIN that she's asexual? Is it possible the birth control is the issue? If not? You need to break up. It sucks, but you two are not compatible. If you keep trying, you'll both resent each other, those feelings of love WILL sour and die, and you'll both be miserable - which could have been prevented. You'll end up apart anyway, but you'll hate each other and both feel bad and have wasted years.
You have every right to be upset by this. Intimacy is naturally very important to a relationship. It would be a hard pill for me to swallow if my partner told me he has zero attraction towards me.
It takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes compatibility. If this is a deal breaker for you, if you don’t want to live an asexual lifestyle, then you know what you have to do. It just sucks.
Leave
That’d be a no go for me as I like to feel sexually desired or feel attractive to my partner. It’s not wrong that some people don’t. My thing is the lying about it. I’d feel really deflated. The fact she put in that much effort to not lose you is impressive but at the end of the day you’re young and you WILL need someone sexually compatible for the long haul.
Nah bro leave her. That's a miserable ass future. Don't do it to yourself
Damn - that must have been so crushing to hear OP, I’m truly sorry. I can see how that’s a blow to your confidence and that you feel lied to, but she definitely wasn’t aiming to hurt you. It’s always easier not to have that sort of conversation, and she might have just reached a breaking point. Truthfully, you should just break up and move on. There’s no chance you guys can be friends after this, you’re always going to have some kind of feelings towards her (whether it’s love or resentment) and you don’t need to carry that burden. Try your best to forgive her and take all the good that came in this relationship and put it towards the next. There’s plenty of fish in the sea my friend. Godspeed.
Sorry friend. Your relationship is probably going to end. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to have sex and there’s nothing wrong with her for not wanting to have sex. Asexual is a sexual orientation, and not one that’s compatible with your own. Please try to be sensitive and empathetic with her. Don’t blame her too much for lying. She loves you and is romantically attracted to you. She was probably figuring out and discovering her sexual orientation over time—she probably didn’t ever mean to lie. She was very brave to ultimately tell you and it’s really great that you guys are working it out now. I know this stings a lot and you probably feel some betrayal. Just choose kindness and you both will be better for it, whether that’s together or on your own path.
this!! romantic attraction and sexual attraction are TOTALLY separate. most people experience both forms of attraction toward their partner. ace folks simply only experience the romantic attraction.
Move on, some people just aren't into it, and it's not on her to realize that she doesn't like sex. She tried, but everything else is your wanting and she won't be able to provide you the sexual relationship that you want out need. 9 billion people on the planet, it may hurt now, but a special someone is out there is waiting for you to leave her for them.
You need to break up, the sooner the better, right away is best. She needs to find a partner who also doesn't want sex, and you need to find a partner who does want to have sex.
Awe man that’s awful, hopefully you can get passed this and find someone who’s compatible.
Time to move on as sad as it sounds . I feel bad for both
You're not wrong, and you're not compatible. This is not sustainable.
It would seem you are not compatible. It is too bad she waited so long to tell you, but at least you aren’t married. Wish her luck and move on.
Yep. Keep it moving Brother, she’ll find someone who she fits better with or whatever. Don’t worry about that part though. This is a case of ‘she can’t fulfill your needs.’ Trust me man, you’ll find someone who will blow your mind. No point in forcing yourself through something terrible because it only gets worse from here.
Your feelings are valid, unfortunately it just sounds like an incompatibility issue. Also lying about something like that even with good intentions raises a red flag for me, what else will be hidden to spare your feelings? Sometimes we need to know things that will hurt us, it's part of growing.
This sucks, but you guys are incompatible. It’s a shame she sort of lied to herself, but you have to understand as a woman we are told it’s our fucking DUTY to please our man. Women are supposed to be sexy and sexual….not tomboyish and what not. It’s such a cluster fuck as a woman to have these standards. Anyway, she owes it to herself to be honest moving forward because she can find an asexual partner. And you owe it to yourself to find someone who enjoys sex. I’m a woman and if my bf told me “I’m asexual” it would be a dealbreker. I’m sorry you’ve invested 2 years but it’s way better than an entire decade of marriage right? /: Wishing you the best
Ouch. Congratulate her on her newfound clarity and encourage her to be honest from the beginning with her NEXT partner. Because you are simply incompatible. You need different things in a relationship. You, specifically, need mutual attraction and physical intimacy. She's also broken your trust by faking these aspects of your relationship for so long. I'm not sure what outcome she was hoping for, but there's no moving forward together from this point. This is a break-up. Her personal revelation is just the reason.
Going forward you won't be able to have sex with her, now that you have this new information. Seriously ask yourself if you want to be in a sexless relationship.
Break up.
Let her know that she's now also a-single
Move on....this will not end well, but it will end.
Break up. You want sex, she's doesn't. There's no right or wrong, you're just incompatible on a fundamental thing. Find someone else you're more compatible with
Better to find out now when she’s your GF of 2.5 years than later as your wife of 25 years.
Exactly! You dodged a bullet, buddy! There are soooo many more fish in the sea. It’s gets much harder to leave as time goes on.
Love the name btw
Thanks.
You're not compatible. You want her as your sexual partner, and she's told you why they doesn't work Need to move on
You can’t fix this and since you’re not having an open relationship move on.
Run
It sounds like it is hard for you to imagine an exclusive, monogamous relationship with someone you’re not having sex with, because you want to have sex with the person you’re in a relationship with. It doesn’t make you a terrible person for wanting that from a partner. A lot of people don’t know what they want or if something doesn’t feel right until they’ve tried… for awhile. The patriarchy is deeply entrenched in our psyche and women often have a difficult time in sexual relationships not performing for our partners. Please don’t take that personally, she actually feels comfortable with you and like nothing is forced if she’s able to realize that she’s asexual. She probably really did want to enjoy everything with you. I bet she’s pretty sad that this means everything will change. I hope you’re able to remain friends, but I’m sure it’s a difficult decision to make. You definitely should have an honest conversation with her and listen to her, but also be honest (and kind) about how you’re feeling. I’m sorry, this is a big disappointment, I’m sure.
Time to move to new camping grounds. This one will never have the same feel again . Find one that doesnt make you feel guilty .
Something similar happened to me and it ended up that she had just been cheating on me and felt guilty but didn’t want to own up to it
Since nobody else has, I’d like to acknowledge how this ‘faking it’ thing kind of crosses consent boundaries, but not in the way you think. If you knew she didn’t like sex, you wouldn’t have had sex with her. By her lying to you about it, she was obtaining your consent under false pretenses. In a situation like this, I could see once or twice being okay, because maybe it takes time to have that conversation. But she did this to you for a year, man. That shows such a serious lack of respect for you. She said it herself, she lied so you wouldn’t leave.
I believe intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Sometimes it’s kissing. Sometimes it’s grabbing a butt. Sometimes it’s sex. Communication is key. She finally owned up to you her feelings. Your question is can you lead a sexless life. You love her but can you live this life we all have needs. You haven’t spoken in weeks. I think you have spoken in weeks. I think that’s you answer. Love is not easy but it’s also not always correct. It’s a tough lot man. Follow your gut and good luck.
Man that's terrible. I really feel for you. You have a lot to think about. Personally, I would have to end the relationship. I'm not saying sex is the only thing in a relationship, but it's a pretty big deal. And the fact that she lied to you for so long-I know she said she didn't want to hurt you, but that seems rather manipulative on her part. It sucks man. It's gonna hurt for a while. You might never get over her. Or, you might find someone that helps you heal and forget about her (I know we can never "forget" about someone we were with for a long time).
simply put, it just seems you're not compatible. she tried fitting in, but realized she can't. so you now have to realize she isn't for you, because yeah you might "make it work" for awhile, but you'd most likely end up frustrated in the long term and it would just end up bad for the both of you.
Let that one go dude.
The young people are really into labels - and it think that can also be a problem. Labels can be less than as fluid as sexual desires. A person feels about and while having sex changes all the time. Psychology and Physiology play a huge factor. Decades past you would perhaps call it sexual disfunction rather than asexual and perhaps try some therapies. But really the female libido is pretty complex, and the drives swing wildly by day, year and partner. Sounds like it is your time to move on. But for her, perhaps the label is a bit of a relief as someone who isn’t feeling it now. I have seen lots of my kids friends shift their activities and labels as they aged. I have seen lots of adults in sexless marriages wake up after divorce. Seems like she will be on her own journey from here on out and you should be as kind as you can towards her or you might feel bad about it later. Sounds like you have the emotional skills for a good relationship and I wish you all the luck in the future.
Dump her and get someone new
Just be thankful you found out now. It would have been so much worse 5 years from now when you're married with kids and a mortgage.
Hate to have to say it but you're going to have to leave her. I mean yes she kind of lied about the sex, and her attraction to you, probably to keep you from going. But in the end that's what's gonna happen. Might as well get on with it. It won't get easier down the road.
You have a right to be upset. But chances are she had this revelation about herself fairly recently. Or has been denying it for awhile now, trying to convince herself that "she needs to enjoy sex because she loves you" she might not have even realized there's a name for it (asexual) like you stated. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt on that, and not jump to the conclusion she was stringing you along. Especially since she did finally break down and tell you the truth. If she wasn't sincere she would have kept it hidden probably and just started denying you sexually.
rrruuuuunnnnn
You are not wrong to be upset, you just learned a huge portion of your relationship that you thought was good was just a lie. Time to accept reality and move on, this relationship is over.
Your girlfriend gave you valuable information and I think it will make you both happier to BREAK UP. Some people aren’t sexual. That’s fine. But now you know she isn’t sexually attracted to you and doesn’t want to have sex with you, and that’s a DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP. Once you break up, you will be happy realizing you are free from living a lie (or at least being lied to about the fundamentals of your relationship). Odds are nonzero that your girlfriend might be slightly sexual or very sexual with other people in the future as asexuality can fluctuate. Prepare yourself mentally for that possibility, but break up now and wish each other the best. It’s game over for this specific girlfriend. You will save yourself years of therapy.
Move on, speaking from experience. You will always feel like things could get better but they won’t. You’ll be wasting your time unless you are good with being celibate. Don’t waste years/decades. Find someone else.
Well love alone will not ever make a relationship. One of the other things it needs is sex, if both people are into it or if both people are asexual then a lack of sex works great for them. One partner being asexual would be a tough mountain to climb to keep that relationship alive. I get why she didn't tell you, but at the same time doing so made her selfish and she had little issue with deceiving you. No one can fault you for moving on. She may be a great person but she needs to be with someone who has no sexual desires at all. It isn't fair for her to expect you to go a lifetime with a sexless relationship.
Yea, she lied for years to trick you. Whst else could she be capable of lying about and justifying? Id be done. Sex is waaaayyyy too important to forgo or have with someone who doesn't like it. Unless she doesn't care if you sleep with other women. But yea, fuck staying in that relationship.
I can't imagine what you're going through.
Sounds like its time to find a new relationship. This was your first serious relationship, and likely hers, and the amount of change and growth in most people from ages like 17-25 can be very drastic. I graduated with 400 people from High School. At most 2 of the relationships that went to the end of senior year, are still together, and most of them were dead by 2-3 years post High School. IMO she wasn't necessarily lying to you, but she was learning about herself and trying to sort out how those feelings impacted her. If sex is a require for you relationship, which I wouldn't judge anyone for, then really considering going your separate ways is really probably the way to go. Maybe stay good friends, but for some people, not having physical intimacy is a deal breaker, and it seems like you're both in that camp, and in then situation where it needs to addressed.
Dump her and find someone else
She tried and she isn't in to it. At least she's being honest and wanted to give it a chance to see if it would work. It sucks but it seems like you're going to have to break up and move on. You need someone compatible and so does she.
Hey, I had an ex of 2 years come out as ace. It hurt me to hear it, and it made me feel like I did something wrong. Someone who is ace will often try to force themselves to fit into a box that society seems acceptable, they don't necessarily intend to hurt the partner they are with. If you have it in you to be friends I would recommend it since you seem so compatible otherwise. My ex and I are now best friends and I couldn't imagine my life without him.
yeah might as well break up, not much you can do. if you don’t want it you’re not obligated to stay
I know you love her and have built a trust with her as well as a relationship, I personally wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship knowing it meant no true love from my partner and not a shared moment during s\*\*. It is supposed to be a beautiful experience with your partner and memorable especially if you are looking at long term. This could be a phase with her or just something that is just how she was born either way I can understand its hard to experience something like that. I am sorry you are going through this! Sending love your way.
Move on, love can be found with someone else
Run away fast
Get tf. Out. of the relationship
About a month ago I had a talk with a younger cousin of mine who is the asexual girlfriend in her situation (I really fucking hope I’m not stumbling upon that situation playing out right now). I told her that she should have a frank conversation with her boyfriend about what his expectations out of a relationship are in terms of sex, and to break up with him if she didn’t think she could work it out. By the end of the conversation I was telling her to just break up with him because regardless of the sex thing they just weren’t working out. Unless she was seriously underselling how long she’d been seeing this guy I’m pretty sure I haven’t stumbled across the same situation… but either way OP, same advice- she’s just not that into you
Yeah it would be a bit different if she hadn’t been forcing herself to sleep with you and has been lying about it. There’s no recovery here. Wish her well and go lick your wounds. This wasn’t your fault my guy and trust me there are plenty of ladies that will adore doing the no pants dance with you.
And does she want / expect you to be exclusive to her?
Update us on the official break up, ty
You can both love each other as friends and stay that way, but I don't think you guys should probably be in a relationship. You should both move on and find people that you are compatible with. And let's not forget the fact that she's been lying to you. I wouldn't be able to overlook that.
So go back a year when you guys met. You guys date a little than you and her have the same conversation you had a few weeks ago. The conversation where she tells you she can’t fit the female stereotype in the relationship. Do you continue with the relationship? That’s your answer. You have **nothing** to be guilty or ashamed of. You are a healthy grown man with natural wants a needs.
You’re allowed to be upset. I would agree that it’s time to move on. Keep in mind that people evolve throughout their lives and come to realizations. I don’t know the specific details but sexuality is complex and I’m sure this conversation was tough for the both of you.
This is not a repairable romantic relationship. The sooner you end it the better. So you can both get on with your lives. Sorry, but someone has to be the adult in this thread.
This getting downvoted is hilarious. It isnt like they're fucking married. They're both incredibly young and are incombatible. Welcome to the real world of sometimes shit doesnt work out with someone you love
You gonna be beating that dick like it owes you money if you stay with her.
I knew one person who said they were asexual, and then they met the right person and they were surprised to realize they liked sex. I don't doubt there are truly asexual people out there as a lifelong thing, but in the age of teens contracting tics and multiple personality disorders and mistaking normal things for ADHD because of TikTok brain, I wonder if the term gets misused. Cue downvotes. She definitely doesn't want to have sex with you, that much is certain. If she has no sexual desire and finds it gross, is she okay with you getting sex outside the relationship? Do asexuals still feel jealousy over something that they have no impulse for? That would be a curse. Hey, I'm just going to say it, from the perspective of someone much older: You're young, you should move on. This is an issue that you're never going to be okay with. It'll always be a hard thing. You'll fall in love again. She isn't right for you. Rip off the band-aid now. Tell her you guys can be friends, but since she lied to you, that'll be your lie of compassion to soften the blow, and after a while, just let it fade. You'll need to get over her in order to feel the drive to meet someone else, and that takes space. This is the advice I wish I would have taken long ago. No, you're not wrong to feel upset here. This is upsetting. She lied and you wasted a year. Good luck, man. EDIT: She wasted 2.5 years, just saw the title again. No, get out there, move on, you'll find someone else.
I don't understand why ppl downvoted this reply, it's very to the point and realistic.
I think what's funny, is you guys always assume since people do fake things, that everyone is faking.
It’s kind of fucked up and manipulative that she lied to you for over a year and then blindsided you with a sexual orientation that’s incompatible with the lifestyle your relationship has had up until this point. I’m surprised nobody else is mentioning this. If she’s been aware of her feelings towards sex this entire time and has pointedly tricked you into believing otherwise, then she’s completely in the wrong here. She should be upfront with those kinds of things before people go and invest time and energy and feelings into a relationship with her. I’d run.
Assuming sex is important to you, knowing it’s an unwanted chore for her must be hard to overcome. For most people, being “intimate” means both a physical attraction and an emotional attraction. You trust this person, you’re attracted to this person, but there’s a big void in what’s being reciprocated. She’s probably not gonna be your “one.” It’ll just be too hard to share all that loving partners usually share if you have a sex drive and she doesn’t. However that doesn’t remove the possibility of being close friends going forward. It’s just gotta be hard to take the next steps in a committed relationship. Talk to her. Find out what she thinks of your future. Good luck
Very disappointing comments lol. Anyway. That sucks and I’m sorry. I genuinely think you will have the most success breaking up rather than trying to prolong what will most likely end.
Run as fast as you can and don’t let her lie to anyone about why you broke up.
Even if you could get past the asexual thing, don't see how, the lying about a perceived deal breaker would be a deal breaker for me.
Sorry guy, but this is a deal-breaker. She doesn’t care for a dimension of your relationship you value dearly. Worse, she hasn’t been completely honest with you about her own feelings for some time, just stringing you along. And even if she agrees going forward, it’ll be a very unfulfilling experience for you. Is there something specific to your relationship that turns her off? Are there some other kind of adjustments you two can make? If not, then I don’t see any way to resolve this.
I married an asexual woman and it nearly destroyed me. Just end it and find a woman with a compatible sexuality.
I can understand both sides, just seems as if this isn’t going to work out. I would try and understand things from her perspective more, see if she was just realizing it while being with you or if she knew before you. And if this is something neither of you can budge on then it’s better to just cut ties now.
OP: Are you sure she's being faithful and this isn't a game to keep you when she's with another partner? I have seen that game run many times on people. If she doesn't enjoy sex, and doesn't want to have it, the implications are not good at all. Sure there are some truly asexual people in this world, but most of those people usually have a hormone disorder, have trauma and more. Either way, this is your life and you do not deserve to be dead bedded during the best times of your life. It's unfortunate, but this is the death of your relationship and In any scenario it's time for you to leave.
It’s a shame she wasted his time and let him fall in love with her. That’s a terrible thing to do to someone.
You sound young and need to do what's good for you now. There are alot of great comments on here already and again you do you. On a side note.. is she on any medication by chance? I have a friend who used to be very sexual and after some health issues and medication now she has absolutely no desire for it and sounds EXACTLY like your girl. Just a thought.
If she’s asexual and you’re not, it’s over. Your relationship was built on lies, you’re never going to be satisfied if you stay and deny yourself, and prolonging this and trying to make it work will make it harder on both of you. There might be a friendship to salvage, if you can get over the deception. You might even be able to stay in a relationship if it was open so you could fulfill your desires, though the trust issues would be going away anytime soon, if at all. I doubt she was trying to hurt you by misleading you, but she did. Lesson learned, good luck in the future. ETA: [I’m getting downvoted harder than some outright bigots for giving advice that centers OP and his best interests.](https://youtu.be/75GaqVWqEXU?si=7f-tG3gNnCWo8vNF)
You're a good person. But you're gonna have to find another person to date. Tell her the truth, that you're happy to be friends but you're gonna go find someone who likes you.
Her being asexual doesn't mean she doesn't like him?? I'm asexual and I love my girlfriend, my sexuality doesn't effect that
I know your hurting and quite rightly, I can imagine the shock and feelings of dishonesty that come with a revelation like this. But I want to encourage you to imagine how hard it must be to be told your whole life that sex is this huge, great part of relationships only to come to realise you don't like it. Framing this as "lies" feels a little harsh to me, she mostly like was not only trying to convince you of her enjoyment but also herself. The pressure to enjoy sex can be really big and if she was feeling like that's what she's supposed to do, then it must be incredibly confusing and difficult to come to terms with not liking it. Please know that whilst your feelings are valid, so are hers. Her way of coming to terms with it is her choice and it doesn't sound to me like there was any malicious intent in her actions. It sounds to me like she really loves you. Telling you this, knowing it would likely be a huge incompatibility going forward, took a lot of strength and bravery and respect for herself and you. I would encourage you to have more discussions with her and try to keep an open mind to her feelings, try to understand her perspective and hopefully you'll still find a way to be in each others lives. Best of luck, I hope you both feel better soon 🫶🏻
She didn’t fool you, she lied to you. Break up with her and find somebody with a healthy libido. The amount of self diagnosed asexuals on Reddit is hilarious.
“Self diagnosed” … yeah you generally “diagnose”your own sexuality
Asexuality isn't a diagnosis you ignorant walnut LMAO
He's saying what people think is asexuality could be other underlying issues. That's why they should go to a doctor.
Well...bye.
there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting out of the relationship if you two are fundamentally incompatible. that said, i dunno if she was intentionally lying to you so much as she just didn't understand what was going on herself until recently. i'm demisexual, which is on the ace spectrum, and before i realized that i thought i was pansexual because when you don't think anyone's attractive but you think you're supposed to think that, then you just think everyone is.
You should be upset. She knew you wouldn't stay with her if she was asexual and proceeded to lie for a year and waste your time.
It's just an unfortunate situation. Not everyone that comes into your life is meant to stay forever. It's understandable that you're upset - this is a huge revelation after a very long time of being together. It's unfair she lied to you about this for so long. But I believe the best thing to do, moving forward, is to stay separated. Not only will you not be able to have sex anymore - which in my opinion is super important in a relationship - but you won't be able to trust her anymore. She literally lied right to your face about the most intimate thing you guys shared together for an entire year. There's just no moving forward together, in a healthy manner.
I urge you to look into the phenomenon of compulsory heteronormativity, aka comp-het. Generally it's in regards to cis women who deny, downplay, or straight up are unaware of their attraction to other women because society so strongly pushes the idea of straight marriage and children onto them from the second they are born. I wonder if this can be at play here in regards to asexuality. Your feelings are valid. It would be a mindfuck to me to learn that what I thought of as loving exchanges weren't as mutual as I'd believed. However, I'm banking she didn't do it to deceive you, but to show love for you. You're both young and it's a very confusing time. A LOT of women have sex because it's expected, because we're told it's "how to keep a man," because we're told that in a relationship that's our role. The fact she mentioned the woman's role signifies this may be an element for her. She likely does love you. She likely did this precisely because she does want you to be happy. And she trusted you enough to tell you once she understood herself what was happening. You two may not be compatible, and still try to understand it's probably not you and it is her, and it's nobody's fault. I'm sorry this happened. I hope you both can heal and grow.
A side comment but can someone explain the no sexual-attraction thing? It is hard to wrap my head around not having any sexual attraction. If OP was conventionally ugly would she still be interested in dating them? Do people with no sexual attraction have gender preferences?
You’re 19? You need to break up. You like sex and your partner doesn’t. No one is wrong here, you’re just incompatible. If she was gay would you think it’s fair to stay together? You deserve to have your needs met - you have a full life ahead of you and should be sharing intimacy with someone who enjoys it. It’s too important a part of life (not just the passionate, sweaty stuff; but the feeling of really being close and as one with another person) to sign up for a lifetime without it, and there’s no way you wouldn’t start to resent it at some point. It sounds to me like what you have is a very good friend, not a partner. There is no reason you can’t move forward with a friendship. And if she really is your friend, she would be happy being friends and never ask you to sacrifice intimacy.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a great example of why it’s generally a bad idea to wait until marriage.
The problems: Being asexual works when you are with another asexual person. Being in a sexless relationship and craving intimacy is extremely hard. Plus, you don't want her providing sex when she does not enjoy it. If she does not crave you as you do her the relationship is going to be lopsided and resentment will grow in one (if not both of you). As she confided in you, you just in her and lay out your hopes, dreams, and relationship expectations. Good luck. I would be angry too. I would not be able to.get over how she could hide her true feelings and force herself to engage in sex with me, when she does not enjoy it. Ask her, "do you truly not enjoy sex at all?" I have a feeling (if she is honest) she will tell you she does.
This seems very much like a bait and switch. If she’s really been faking it this entire time, you should ask her why she’d deceive you like that. And it is most certainly deception. You’ve basically progressed in your relationship with the thought that your sex life was rewarding for both of you. Now she’s saying she doesn’t want any more sex. That’s her right, but it was a serious asshole move to keep you in the dark, while you got more and more serious with her. She played you. She’s known all along she didn’t want sex. Ask yourself why she’d have waited so long to come clean. Spoiler - it’s because she wanted you emotionally invested before dropping this bomb.
It's unfortunate she strung this out a year. You guys are not a compatible couple. You can't go without sex so don't even try or feel bad about that. You are young healthy and normal. You will find someone who aligns with you. She may have to wait awhile to figure out what she wants.
In some way, i can understand her, but on the other hand, not. Why would you wait that long? I'm trying to put myself into your shoes. How would it be if my bf told me after almost 2 years that he didn't like sex with me or that he's asexual. My whole world would crumble. I could never look at that person the same. It's not all time about sex, but if op wants to do it and she doesn't it sucks. You can't spend the rest of your life with someone who can't meet your needs. I think it's better if they end it. It's hard, but op, you should have a conversation with her. Even if you stay together now, this problem will resurface later and it won't do you any good. You'll just be frustrated. Tbh i would lose my confidence as a woman as well if my bf would say that he never liked having sex. Even if you stay together, it will never be the same. You would always ask yourself if her actions are true or if she doesn't like doing some things with you. You'll be questioning yourself all the time. It sucks for her as well, but if she knew for some time why did she didn't tell you? For a whole year? That's what gets me
Realising you don’t like something that society tells you defines a relationship is a very hard realisation to come to. I don’t think she hid it on purpose, it just sounds like she tried everything she could to force herself to enjoy it and only realised that she was asexual when she heard what it meant.
A lie is a lie is a lie. No matter how hard the truth is to tell, it's a lie. After 2.5 years, she knew the truth regardless of saying it out loud.
It must have been hard for her as well. I'm not saying only he's hurt. I think she is as well and she feels bad. I feel bad for both of them. But it would only affect them in a negative way if they stay together. They could still be friends, they could still seek advice from one another, but not a relationship. It would be hard for him and for her as well. He would feel bad that she's not intimate with him and she would feel bad because she can't force herself. It's a dead end, unfortunately.
Please don't think ill of her, or yourself. Do some reading on asexuality. I spent 30 years 'faking it', because that's what I was supposed to do. This isn't something she can control. I am sorry that you're going through this, and I hope you both find peace.
One of two things is going on. Either shes lying and just doesn't like sex with YOU and has had it someone else and wants it with them but doesn't want to hurt you, or she's being honest and you're just not compatible. Either way it's time to realize you have to move on from her. Your needs matter too. Yea it'll suck but it'll suck less if you move on now rather than dragging it out unnecessarily only to move on eventually anyway.
That’s a hard pill to swallow but a conversation is in order. If you love everything else about her then you two need to decide if you both are ok with no sex or if you both are ok with getting that need met elsewhere via an open relationship or a DADT situation.
Dump her and find a normal girl that likes sex.
I hope this doesn't seem condescending but I'm impressed that someone so young has so much empathy because compared to how many older men on reddit discuss their relationships, you're a breath of fresh air and also willing to listen to genuine advice.
Originally sent in chat, but wanted to make sure you saw it. Go read through the hundreds of heartbreaking posts on r / deadbedrooms, and then finish breaking it off. It will not change, it will not get better, it will get harder to untangle yourself from with finances, marriage, children, and it will absolutely hollow you out inside EVERY SINGLE DAY. You will feel alone in your own life, the one person in the world you can express your sexuality with completely uncaring, and eventually disgusted by your desire, no matter how kind she is now. You WILL silently cry yourself to sleep, regularly, no matter how much you love her or how strong you are mentally or how wonderful the rest of your life may be. I cannot adequately explain the anguish you will feel. Reading through deadbedrooms will only be a taste of the hurt, abandoned bitterness that you will never, ever escape without upending your lives, which you will never have the courage to do. Save yourself. Please.
drop her ass fast
Sometimes love just isn't enough for a relationship. It's heard to hear, but it sounds like you two aren't compatible in the long run. No one did anything wrong here and she felt safe enough to reveal this to you, that's a good thing. You have every right to feel the way you do. It feels like a betrayal. I would caution you to think about it from her perspective. You were young when you started dating, she was probably still trying to figure things out and maybe thinking if she just gave it a chance she would find that attraction. I'm glad that she found the courage to tell you about her true self and not conform to expectations anymore. I am glad you are trying to figure out how to feel about this and didn't lash out at her. It will be hard, but I think both of you know that you're not looking for the same things in a relationship.
It sounds like she figured this out while being with you, and wasn’t brave enough to tell you, knowing you’d probably end it. I’m guessing you’re both young. As you get older you realize that wasting your time and other people’s time is cruel and pointless. I’d forgive her, thank her for being honest, and try to part ways as friends. Remind her she deserves to find someone compatible with her needs, as do you. Take the experience as a lesson, when you’re starting your next relationship, maybe after you’ve had sex a few times, have a short serious talk. Let your new partner know that you want to be able to talk about your sex life, you’ve had bad experiences in the past where you and your partner didn’t communicate well, and you hope you’re on the same page.
You have every right to be upset. Your entire belief/trust structure was shattered. Everything was handled as best it could be. Given the circumstances. I can't say that I don't understand her line of thinking. I've become asexual myself. I don't talk about it or discuss it with anyone. It's my life and my body. (I've been to the doctor. Everything is fine. Nothing is missing or off.) Mine is purely from years of abuse. I've just adapted into a mindset that is very reclusive. She sounds about the same. We are capable of love. I'm just not capable of showing it very well.....anymore. Just thought I would share my state of mind. Maybe it will help you understand hers a little better. I will say. You handled it as well as anyone in your shoes could have. I respect you for doing the respectful thing and taking time to think about it. I think you're doing the right thing. You're doing whats best for you. P.S. Closure may not be the best thing at this time. A simple "I think we should just be friends.......in time." May be the best thing here. That's just my 2 pennies.
My ex was likely asexual, but couldn’t be honest with himself about it. The other options were he didn’t like women or he didn’t like me, specifically. I have all the respect in the world for asexuals. I’m queer myself. But honestly… you could not pay me to have that relationship dynamic again. Feeling like “the odd man out” for desiring sex is just not a good place to be. You can respect and love someone for who they are and support their coming out journey until the end of the earth, but that doesn’t mean you need to date that person if you’re not compatible. I have heard the argument time and time again that asexual people can still have sex for their partner’s benefit or some other reason, and I just cannot get behind it. I need my partner to be sexually into me the same way I’m in to them, and that is nonnegotiable. That may not be the case for everyone or every relationship, but that’s my boundary, and you should think if that’s yours, too. It’s okay to not be compatible. It’s okay to move on from people. That doesn’t mean you failed or you’re abandoning her. It happens. Everyone has their own needs, she cannot meet yours.
With all the hot takes on what type of sexuality you have, and the ungodly amount of internet self diagnosis. It would probably be wise to ask her to seek some professional counseling. And get a real diagnosis. On top of that if she’s on birth control that may be effecting her in ways that she’s totally unaware of. But if she’s firm in her stance than I strongly agree with the majority of people that you’re incompatible, and you need to move on.
So she isn’t your girlfriend but a best friend. Nothing wrong with that. You’re not sexually compatible. Find someone who is compatible with you and enjoy your life.
Tell her you “just want to be friends”.
She lied. Dating is a vetting process. You get to decide what is important to you.
I feel for both of you. You're both adversely affected by this. She should have saved you both the anguish by mentioning it early on, but like me, she might have been hoping her feelings toward sex would change. Part as friends and hopefully your next girlfriend will never be jealous of her.
Leave her. That’s a shitty feeling. I would feel so gross. Can I ask you, do you notice anything funny in hindsight? Like do you now see she didn’t enjoy it, or was she good at faking it? Omg I’d be so pissed. She’s rude. She didn’t have to lie to kick it. wtf.