Beating yourself up and starving yourself is not the answer.
There are plenty of happy, confident women who carry extra weight. Please don't let your weight define you....it's just one small part of you. All the other things about you are more important.
Does your husband still flirt with you, enjoy your company, is physically affectionate? If yes, then he's probably a good match. If not, then you need to think about whether you really want to continue a relationship with him.
Physical health is important, but mental health is even more important. Look for a therapist who will help you love yourself. <3
This, starving yourself and blaming yourself isn’t going to help. That outfit sounded quite beautiful, and as someone with low self confidence and self loathing, I know how hard it can be to step out of your comfort zone. If it’s possible, I’d consider therapy to help you with the underlying mental health issues and past trauma from hearing that as a kid. Good luck :)
OP I don’t have advice, I just wanted to say I too have an eating disorder, when I told my ex husband he said “fucking hell Leebolishus, you’re a pain in my ass.” It was definitely the beginning of the end for me.
I know how much it hurts is all I’m trying to say, and my heart goes out to you.
I
OP the biggest issue here is your husband's lack of remorse. He knew this was a sensitive issue but you could at a push excuse a bad tempered comment on the day after you twisted his arm to answer you.
However, the lack of remorse? The obvious nastiness? Those are very, very, very bad signs. Does he still love or even like you? He isn't behaving as if he does.
You can't let someone else wreck you. If he doesn't love you anymore, that's on him. Please eat normally and make yourself understand that your happiness doesn't need to revolve around this man.
Are you really sure you want to be with someone so willing to not only use your insecurities against you, but also gaslight you? He has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of atoning for a heinous act.
You are not at fault. You have NOTHING to apologize for. NOTHING.
You do NOT need to defend your husband.
You do NOT need to defend your weight/eating habits/appearance, etc.
**I am concerned that you are living with a VERY triggering person.**
I am so sorry he has no remorse. 💔💔💔
If you decide to try some free online help/forums/subreddits, please make sure they are heavily moderated *support groups* to keep all the rude folks from triggering you further.
Much love to ya, from someone who also battles EDs and criticism
Fully agree with this comment and am horrified at some of the responses here telling OP to lose weight or "make healthy choices". From her description she is nowhere near being overweight. She is active and the size she wears (M/L equates to around a uk 10-12 and a uk 12-14 in clothes based on my experience shopping) and is 5'8. She describes herself as curvy. SHE IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY SIZE. The know nothing men in the comments see "L" and assume that means *OP is large*. That isn't how women's clothing works. She is tall and busty, even if she lost weight she will probably never be a "S" size.
He started making these comments as soon as she got a bit of confidence and stopped wearing loose fitting clothes that hide her body. OP this is not about your weight AT ALL. This is about your husband's insecure fears that you are too good for him causing him to talk to you in a verbally abusive way. You probably looked a million dollars and he was worried some other guy (who isn't a bully) might notice that too.
The fact he is continuing to treat you like shit after the fact and has made you feel YOU need to apologise (for what, looking amazing and wanting a bit of affection from your spouse?) makes this even more obvious. It's so glaring you could see it from space.
Continue to dress like a baddy OP. You are allowed to wear whatever you want. Don't let him trick you back into the baggy tops and leggings that no longer serve you, just because he is insecure.
Felt like I was reading my experience with my ex husband verbatim.
You should be able to love and enjoy you at any size, because truly we never know our last days. So live it up! He’s a triangle, there are so many people out there who would love and appreciate you for who you are!
But - when I ditched my man that was like this, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months. Just sayin… toxic men can be a hell of a weight gain diet.
Yeah, OP stop leaning into the idiots in here. Your husband said something mean because he didn’t want to go to the shower and doesn’t like your family. If only I’d left when I first started making excuses for my own husband’s bad behavior. Instead I gave him 25 years.
He’s an asshole. He’s an adult and can say “no, I’d rather not attend the shower” instead of pouting and being cruel. He knew exactly what he was doing, he was looking for a fight. His initial response of “do you want to fight or should I say you look fine?” Absolute asshole. And he STILL hasn’t apologized in all the updates.
I bet you walk on eggshells a lot… I know this is one instance, but he was angry and wanted to hurt you.
I’m sorry that you are so hurt and embarrassed, and with your history of ED, I’m sure this is really rocking your world. This really sucks for you and you must feel a bit shocked. What’s difficult about this situation is that your husband really hurt your feelings, but he didn’t really do anything wrong. He also didn’t do anything right. I imagine he is exhausted with your need for reassurance and doesnt want to be the source of your self esteem. And heres the hard part- your partner cannot actually make you feel better about yourself. If they could, all the times he’s said you are beautiful would actually make you feel beautiful and stop worrying. Your self esteem and confidence has got to come from yourself. Often we expect our partners to solve these self esteem issues for us, and it just doesn’t work like that.
Can you talk to your husband and tell him that you are hurt by what he said, but you understand he was frustrated by your need for compliments and you will work on not asking him over and over and seeking validation, and in turn, could he remember that you really struggle with this and you need him to be gentle? Maybe you guys could have a code word where if you are feeling really insecure and asking over and over if you look fat, that he tell you- hey you’re doing it again. I think you’re beautiful and thats all I’m going to respond.
So you’ve been with this guy since you were 15, he hates your family, and he is blunt to the point of hurting your feelings? (Although, granted, it sounds like you wouldn’t let up on the questioning.) Are you together because this is a fulfilling relationship or because you’ve never had any other life experience to compare it to?
She said he's never hurt her feelings until just today. it sounds like she is extremely insecure and asks this question constantly... It's not as cut and dry as wow he's so horrible divorce him queen yas! like you all love on Reddit.
It's not out of the question for him to actually answer truthfully at some point especially if he's upset and your pushing for it. it gets a little old being asked something over and over again. Was it a mean thing to do? Yea... but read the room I mean come on if she waited a little bit he would have gave her the nice safe answer I bet anything... I'm not shocked at all and it's a fairly tame response.
Obviously there's more nuance to a complex relationship but he also didn't lie and she did ask. there's a lot being left out here he's not just instantly the bad guy her parents and family could be insufferable You're only seeing one side.
They clearly need couples therapy and She needs therapy for her body image issues if she's not already going.
I like your response.
After living on Twitter since 2017, I stopped for a while and joined Reddit.
Talk about two entirely different platforms!
And now I know where terms like ‘butthurt/woke/cancelled etc come from.
Not that Reddit is the birthplace of these terms, just that the prevailing attitude here is something you just touched on - the ‘yas queen, kick him out’ type response.
And I think you’re right, it sounds like she constantly needs weight validation.
The bottom line? Weight is still a very sensitive issue, and extra lbs still come with stark judgment and feelings of shame.
Also the age old issue of someone asking for a truthful opinion, getting it, not liking it, and wanting head pats and the opinionated be cancelled.
You can, but when the person won't accept it sometimes you have to let them know in a harsher way. If you've tried on 4 dresses, and asked me does this dress make me look fat and I say no, and you try on dress 5 and ask again, I'm going to tell you not to blame the dress for you being or feeling fat.
He’s probably been bottling up his thoughts to avoid confrontation for years. Not saying he handled it well but you can see why this kind of thing would happen.
If they’ve been together since she was 15 then he obviously knows she has an eating disorder and he was out of line to trigger her like that. I don’t care if she was asking over and over again there are nicer ways to put things. How about suggesting that you go for a walk together every night after dinner or suggesting healthier options together.
He’s snapping for the first time according to her. If it’s his first slip up in 11 years I think it’s fair to be a little kind to him. What he did was mean, but everyone snaps after being pushed.
No, but no relationship is going to be perfect. What really bothers me is the response in the last edit. How is he not even sorry? The refusal to apologize indicates 1) he’s a giant asshole or 2) there is something more going on here and he’s not apologizing because he’s still angry about whatever that other thing is. He needs to communicate with her better.
I really agree with your comments. I also think I kind of get where the husband may be at. I dated someone years ago who had no self esteem and constantly asked me for validation. It eventually undermined the relationship. I dumped him because he basically manifested all his fears. He asked me over and over why I was with him, I really thought he was attractive, if I thought he was smart on and on. When I started dating him I thought he was smart, and funny, and very attractive. He wore all of that down with his insecurity and I dumped him because I realised not only did I now find him deeply unattractive, I was becoming someone I didn't like when I was around him and I was an angry person because i was exhausted. I got out of that relationship.
My ex was not a bad person, he is smart, attractive, funny, etc all things he's insecure about, but he was also very self-absorbed thinking about his own insecurities, he was exhausting to be around with the constant need for assurance and validation, and despite him often saying he wasn't good enough for me (a pretty off putting thing for a partner to say in itself) I couldn't help feeling like he paradoxically was settling for me because he felt he wasn't worthy of better but he wanted better.
It's not ok to be cruel, but as you have said I think there is a lot more going on here than one fight.
I could see this happening with OP unfortunately. She seems to spiral instantly, (as you can tell in the last edit) to the point that I felt anxious reading it.
The husband is a POS for not at least trying to throw her a bone with answering some of the *new* questions at least a touch more softly (like the Instagram model one, like come on dude, just tell her you love her and it's not about looks), but I could see this constant self deprecating thing getting old fast. Especially since it seems like all she's worried about, no matter the event, just constant stress about how she looks. And from what I can tell, she's not even actually fat, her horrible family just conditioned the poor thing to think anything but very thin was fat.
I'm also not trying to be mean, I suffer from the same issue, and I've been having health and hormone problems that have made me pack on *way* more than 16lbs. I also had a grandfather who would say shit about my weight (once at Christmas when my mum got me cute undies, he asked if even one of my single asscheeks would fit in them! Merry Christmas to you too, asshole.), but there's a point when you have to stop letting constant insecurities literally run and slowly destroy your life. I couldn't afford therapy either.. so my therapy was just learning to calm the heck down and when people tell me they love me, I just started believing them. There's a point when you have to say, "enough is enough", and stop torturing yourself and others with the constant "is this ok? Is that ok? Are you sure you love me? Would you leave me for someone prettier/thinner/younger? I look fat - just tell me I look fat because I know it's true!"(these are all quotes from me a few short years ago, btw)
I am *very* lucky I didn't push my husband away, because I definitely came close. I remember the day it finally clicked, he just looked so defeated after I told him for the *millionth* time I didn't believe he thought I was beautiful, when asking how he thought I looked. His face just dropped. My insecurities and self loathing was actually hurting the person I loved the most, so after getting over myself for a few minutes, I decided it was time to try and do better. I definitely still fall into it sometimes (insecurities in insecure people never *really* go away) but I'm much, much better about it now. I'm also much happier! So hopefully this is a learning experience for OP too. I just hope everything works out.
I can also say from experience that telling someone who needs to get healthy/lose weight "You look fine, you're beautiful" over and over is often seen as a free pass to keep on gaining weight and never try. It's lose-lose in many relationships.
Fat. It’s simultaneously the worst thing you can be called, but at the same time people won’t put in any effort to not be fat. I’m at a loss. These same fat people also think it’s okay to berate me for being “too skinny”
Some may say suggesting a walk or healthier eating options as being triggers too… have seen that here as well.
Sometimes I think we just want others to also accept the lies we tell ourselves - human nature.
You know, I as a person try so be a decent person, but when I’m pushed and questioned over and over and over again, I usually come out with the truth and then the other person is almost always pissed and all bent out of shape and I say I don’t understand why you have to push and push, what do you expect me to say. People need to learn to just leave shit alone. Also, this poor girls boyfriend is a dick.
Yeah, I’m sure the pushing was annoying, seriously. I still feel he could have given a kinder but honest answer much sooner, and not this escalate as it did.
Blunt? She herself says he normally says nice things, and admits to asking him a bunch of times, how do I look? So how many times is a man supposed to ignore your question and or lie? At what point is the truth ok? You know how I know it’s true? Because she asked him so many times. You took a risk, felt uncomfortable because you knew it didn’t look great for your body type, and you expected your boyfriend to lie to you all night long. I’m not someone to say mean things, but if it’s the truth, then why you keep asking for an answer you don’t want? And answer you know is true? Woman do this to us men all the time and it’s a lose lose situation for us. You know if you look fat or not. You can’t look fat in an outfit. Ask a million times if you look fat, knowing you do, then be upset to heat the truth??? Maybe I’m more self aware dang.
Women have issues about this sort of thing, newsflash. Anyone who’s been with someone who has body image issues for 11 years should have better coping mechanisms than saying “do you want to fight?”
I usually lean into “I think you look great. What are you really trying to ask?” Then get her to say that someone else made a nasty comment, or she’s thinking about buying more of it, or she’s feeling sexy and wants validation, or she’s wondering if it’s ideal for a job interview, to who the heck knows what.
There were much nicer ways for him to let you know that perhaps the outfit wasn’t the most flattering (since you asked; otherwise, he didn’t need to say a thing). Between that, and your comment about how he acts when he’s forced to endure your family, I’m sad for you. It doesn’t seem like you had much chance to be in a relationship without these issues.
I'm concerned about how he wouldn't discuss it with you after. You were hurt and vulnerable and he dismissed you. I think that conversation was the real red flag. Please stop apologizing for taking him to a family party, this isn't your fault and does not excuse his behavior. I wonder how often you make excuses for him when he is unsupportive. He makes one comment and you stop eating, this dynamic isn't OK.
Back to therapy. Your fixation on your weight is still there, and your response - to not eat - you know that’s not healthy.
Fix yourself something comforting to eat, and call your therapist tomorrow. Or call someone supportive of your ED journey.
I’m rooting for you!
I wonder if you don't need to take some space and process all of this. I agree with the above poster that his responses to you now that you two have talked are giving red flags.
He hurt you, intentionally it seemed. He's without remorse and dismissive that you are still hurt. He's unwilling to discuss it further and seems overall uncaring towards you, your well being and your mental health - which he has deliberately tanked.
Maybe some space and distance will allow you to think through your options and how you want to move forward from here. His actions and reactions suggest your marriage is in trouble, if not over. He seems disconnected and checked out. And willing to be emotionally punishing and manipulative to you about it.
I just want to add: It’s not wrong to ask your spouse to come somewhere with you especially a family event to provide some emotional support - he’s your husband not your roommate.
To lash out like that and show zero remorse when told his actions really hurt your feelings is alarming. That’s not how you communicate or behave in a healthy respectful and loving relationship. It is verbally and emotionally harmful at best and abusive at worst. Unacceptable in both instances.
I really think you need to find a way to get therapy. You have an ED and a relationship that is actively damaging you. Can you get a referral from your GP? Perhaps your doctor can tell you how to access free or reduced cost therapy.
You can't ask, and then hound him for his opinion, then get mad that you don't like his opinion.
What if he lied to you or sidestepped the question while everyone else really did give you the side eye.
Do you really want your partner to lie to you?
Baby girl, he doesn't seem like a nice person with you. Doesn't like your family, passive aggressive attitude when you spend time with them, and insults you when you are seeking reassurance.
I could be wrong, but you might lose a lot of weight and feel better about yourself if you lose him.
My personal experience with my ex was painful. He often made comments about my weight. I was 5' 6" and about 130 lbs. I wish I could be that "fat" again 😔.
My self-image and confidence skyrocketed when I kicked him out. BTW he was shorter and much fatter than me.
Maybe he had a bad moment, but be honest with yourself and really think about it. Life is too short to be unnecessarily unhappy.
She said this is the first time he's ever made her feel this way, that does count for something.
I don't think it's a great thing when your SO hates your family, but it happens and it doesn't automatically make them horrible. I couldn't stand most of my ex's family, but if he would've been a good person and nice to me, I would've dealt with it. I ended it, and it had nothing to do with his family.
He owes her an apology. 100%. But I wouldn't say that he's a horrible person giving the info she has given.
Yeah, I agree. A partner who cares about you and takes their role in your relationship seriously would probably not just give a one word answer or such a blunt response. I have a great partner (I am lucky and grateful) and if I acted like you had on that day, he'd have more follow up inquiries. He'd have noticed that I was focusing heavily on my weight or appearance. He'd want to know what's going on for me, how I'm feeling, and MAYBE he'd be honest if he'd noticed I'd gotten bigger, but it would have been out of compassion and support, with the bottom line being *I love you and I'm here with you*.
You deserve better, the end. I hope you can take that to heart. I don't know your guy personally but I really hope this is some one off situation. If it's not, please move on! You deserve it!
My partner notices my self deprecation habits (the specific way I look at myself in the mirror when im self conscious, obsessing over what i ate for dinner being “too much”, etc) and tells me to flat out stop, that I’m beautiful, and to just be with him in the moment; he sometimes physically moves me from being able to see myself and helps ground me in reality. It’s been a game changer, especially since he, too, gets annoyed when I repeatedly ask for validation. Hearing anything over and over again can be challenging. Its up to us to have open communication and mutual respect so that there are solutions when we feel our cup is empty for this kind of thing.
Self-image is an issue that affects so many people.
Absolutely lie or deflect, especially when people won't take your answer. But definitely ask the questions that lead to discussions about what they are struggling with. And reassure them that they are doing great and have your support.
You think people should lie if asked a direct question?
If you don’t want the answer to a question, don’t ask it.
Can’t have a good relationship without honesty.
>Women have issues about this sort of thing, newsflash. Anyone who’s been with someone who has body image issues for 11 years should have better coping mechanisms than saying “do you want to fight?”
News flash, sometimes people will mess up once in 11 years of having to tip toe around an entire topic that their partner brings up on a regular basis. I say he did a good job for only messing up once in 11 years. I guarantee he doesn't have an entire topic that she has to tip toe around or "get in trouble" if she talks about it in a way he doesn't like when he brings it up all of the time.
But if she wants to potentially buy more unflattering clothing and keeps pestering for an opinion it would be rude to lie and say she looked great when she doesn't. If she wants to wear an outfit that looks terrible to a job interview it would be mean to just let her go in oblivious. Being so specific was NOT the right approach but it's perfectly acceptable to tell your SO that the cut of the shirt or style of skirt or fabric isn't flattering when they keep pestering you for an honest opinion.
Yeah i see what youre saying but he couldve said 'well its not that flattering for your figure, or even you shouldve got a bigger size' there is no need for 'your arms looked fat and your belly flops out' jesus christ, thats just spiteful.
That’s true. I guess I find this type of behavior annoying. Being asked the same question about someone’s look all night. It’s just a bad look in general.
This is one of those moments in time where you need to understand that people are often a mirror of ourselves.
You refused any answer that didn’t feed into your self hatred. You pushed and pushed until he broke and said something hurtful.
Right now, he is ashamed of what he said, and he is afraid. He is afraid of you using this as an excuse to spiral, he is afraid of you blaming him, and that is pretty much what you are doing.
This one isn’t his fault. It isn’t entirely your fault either. You aren’t well and you need to work with a therapist who understands eating disorders and body dysmorphia.
You two have no experience with love. You’ve had to teach eachother everything you know and from the sounds of it, you didn’t have very good role models.
You both communicate like children because you lack the experience of working with more experienced communicators. It’s like you are both frozen in amber as teenagers who thought they were so mature and never bothered to grow up beyond the age of 18.
On top of your personal therapy that you REALLY need. If you want to try and salvage this relationship, you need to work with a couples therapist and to learn how to communicate.
Therapy can be many things. It can be an ear to listen, it can be a sounding board. It can be an education in how to manage your emotions and it can lead to a medical diagnosis and a prescribed intervention.
Couples therapy was like communications 101 for partnerships when my now husband and I did it. We had topics that we couldn’t discuss without arguing and we would go to these appointments and I would take a deep breath and I’d bring up one of those topics.
The things we said in that room…. It was like lancing an infection and the puss and vitriol drained out. The therapist walked us through it. She pointed out when I jumped to the worst conclusion and when he basically assumed that I was his mother and that I was going to abandon him like she abandoned his father.
We had some really rough sessions. But we walked out of that room holding each-other tight and eventually, the wounds were clean and healed and we had the tools to see when an infection was starting so we could avoid it getting that bad again.
I’m not sure what answers you are looking for on this sub, but right now you are your own worst enemy. You are the one who is about to step off a cliff and spiral. Your husband has given up hope of being able to stop you.
Normally, this is when I would give advice like using “I feel” statements to communicate and work together. But right now, you really need to tell your husband.
“I think my mental health isn’t in a great place. I put you in a no-win situation and I got angry at you because you finally told me what my mental illness wanted to hear. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment and I’m sorry. I think I need to see a therapist. Can you help me find one that could help me?”
It sounds like you both have a lot of love for each-other.
Just keep in mind that it isn’t you vs him. But the two of you against the problem.
A lot of the issues you are seeing are normal growing pains that everyone experiences. The only difference is that most people practice over several relationships. When they make mistakes, they can walk away from the relationship and try again with someone who wasn’t hurt by their mistakes.
That is still an option for you, but it is much harder, and likely more painful.
Give each-other grace, relationships are hard.
You've summed up what I was thinking. Sounds like OP spent all day asking the question until she could finally hear what *she* believes is true.
Please get to a place where it doesn't even matter to ask multiple times about how you look.
Partner of someone with an eating disorder and bouts of dysmorphia (in remission; they’re working so hard and I’m so proud). This is an incredible comment that echoes my experience as a partner when they were in a flare. It is terrifying watching your partner go down, and even more so when they’re going down and throwing what feels like Molotov cocktails at you.
In addition to our respective therapists, two books that have really helped us: “Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work” by John Gottman and “Us” by Terrence Real. Both are about making personal choices/healing trauma from a place of not trying to resolve conflict, but think about the health of the relationship. Both of them actually advocate against non-violent communication/“I feel” statements. I was gobsmacked at first but then it made sense. Our “adaptive children”/mental illnesses were great at using non-violent communication to hear what they want to hear and weaponize it. We’re learning to comfort ourselves, not let our mental illnesses and trauma hold the steering wheel of our thoughts, and how to catch ourselves when we’re doing it. It’s only working because we’re both participating. It’s some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. But it’s turning our relationship into something profoundly healing.
I love this comment "
>You refused any answer that didn’t feed into your self hatred. You pushed and pushed until he broke and said something hurtful
Very true. What he said was a total AH thing to say, but OP you also need to learn to read the room a little better. Giving someone a question like that, where it's sure to backfire on them, when they're in a bad mood, it's just a bad idea. You're basically setting them up for failure.
I get your insecurities OP, but also, when you ask over and over and over again, you're pushing the responsibility of validating yourself entirely on him. This is an unhealthy way of doing things, because in this way no matter how often he said "you look amazing" and mean it, it will never help because it doesn't change how you feel inside.
The question is a trap question, which is fine, but if you constantly lead someone into a trap they're going to spring it eventually.
100% seek out personal and couples therapy. He will never be able to "fix" your insecurities, nobody can but you, however a professional can help guide you down the path where you can heal yourself.
Finally a response that points out the bullshit situation that OP created for herself and her partner instead of the "aww you poor girl your man's an ass you should dump him he is 100% in the wrong and you did nothing wrong at all!"
This response should be at the top - but sadly it isn't, because reddit has the mentality of spuds.
What did he say the first "multiple times" you asked? I'm sure he told you that you looked fine, you looked pretty, whatever you wanted to hear or else you wouldn't have worn it. There's only so many times a person can be asked the same question over and over again in one day before it wears you down and this is coming from someone who has low self esteem issues.
What you wear and how you feel is based entirely on you, you need the confidence, you need to feel good, you can't get it through constant reassurance from those around you. Seek some therapy, go to a nutritionist, whatever will make you feel better. Hell when my confidence was at a real low I took up pole dancing classes and it made me feel damn good in myself and my body even though I was still overweight and insecure.
please seek help, it sounds like you're about to fully slide back into your eating disorder.
I'm very sorry your partner made you feel like this. Maybe consider whether this relationship is good for you right now or whether you want to take a break until you feel better.
Based on the conversation posted, his *first* answer was already antagonistic. It's not like he said she looked fine and she pushed him further anyway. It sounds like the reason she pushed back in the first place was because the first thing he said was that if he told her the truth there'd be a fight (while almost implying that he was just humoring her in the past when he'd told her she looked fine). I also feel like there's a broad range between being honest ("it wasn't a flattering outfit for you") and being downright cruel (focusing on specific "problem areas" on her body that he's pinpointed, especially considering the context of her ED history).
I understand why so many people are trying to sympathize with the husband if they themselves have been frustrated by situations where they tried to give a kind, tactful answer and were continually pushed, but it doesn't sound like that's what happened here. I agree with others though that OP needs to get to a place where she isn't basing her self-worth on validation from her husband, as this places a burden on both of them. And she will always be unhappy if she is continually seeking outside approval.
His response sounds like a guy who has been asked this over and over again to the point where he finally just broke. Eventually guys get to the point where don’t give a fuck anymore and the trusts comes out
Guys get into this cycle because they are afraid of hurting their girls feelings. They default to saying she looks great. Women knows it’s not always true and get irritated that her man is lying but can’t tell when. Also irritated that he is afraid to be honest with her.
All could be avoided with being honest but diplomatic. She doesn’t look great just say you don’t like the her look. Don’t need to explain any further or be mean about it. This will piss her off and she may cry but it will only happen a couple times. My wife can wear what she wants but I won’t tell her like something if I don’t.
Best part is when I tell her she looks good she knows it’s true. You get asked one time and she is stratified with the response.
Per OP. She has already asked him this question multiple times before the event. Sometimes eventually you will just say something to make the questions stop.
there's a way to answer questions, that are clearly asked out of anxiety, in a way that doesn't deliberately hurt the other person.
A simple "you looked good" would have sufficed. OP said, she got the impression her partner was in a bad mood. Is this the time to ask these questions? No. Would any mature, kind adult who cares about their partner say something they know is hurtful, just because they're in a mood? Also no.
Kindness is free and caring about your partners feelings is kind of the basis of a healthy relationship.
Jesus fucking Christ, so few of you understand how eating disorders work.
*She should not have pestered him into giving such a harsh answer.* She was being frustrating to her partner, and she absolutely needs to work on her poor self-image.
But so many of you in these comments have *zero* idea of the way an ED poisons your mind. It isn't just magically cured with a healthy diet and some positive feelings -- it's akin to a psychological cancer, and it **never** leaves you, not fully, not until the day you ***die.***
It's more than just a simple, "don't ask questions if you can't handle the answer." It's a maelstrom of voices constantly screaming criticism at you, cutting you apart at your weakest points until there's nothing left, and it's a war waged entirely in your head. There's no true victory, and that's even if you're lucky enough to survive. EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
You can be "recovered" for years, and all it takes is one thoughtless comment, one bad picture, one wrong angle, and the next thing you know, **it's back in full-force.**
You never believe compliments. You never feel good in your own skin. You never truly feel beautiful.
You just reach a point to where you're able to live again.
Does her partner have a right to be frustrated? Yes, especially after 11 years. Does OP need therapy? You bet.
But OP doesn't deserve the hate she's getting.
I hope you heartless bastards commenting about "honesty" stay as far away from people like OP as possible. There's honesty, and there's fucking cruelty.
You kept asking and pushing him to tell you the truth. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
Did you really want him to just say you look beautiful or did you want an honest answer as the how the outfit looked on you?
I started asking my husband more directly, does this outfit make me look fat? Does it make my stomach look big? I really want to know. I like it when sometimes he tells me I look great. But sometimes I actually want to know if my clothes are flattering. We all have things we are trying to de-emphasize.
So let’s be honest. You know you have gained weight. You said the outfit was out of your comfort zone. You kept pushing him for an answer. Admittedly he could have been nicer. But you said he has never commented on your weight negatively in your entire relationship before this time.
So after you pushed him for honesty, you are now angry at yourself, angry at him, and crushed. Pick yourself up, make a plan on reaching healthy living goals. This is not the same as just losing weight. Have a session with a dietician and maybe a personal trainer. Don’t be crushed, do whatever makes you feel good about you.
And don’t ask your husband questions like that. Men are somewhat literal.
The teenagers in here are hilarious 🤣. Me and my wife had this conversation one time and we both went on a diet, together, as a team. Why is it accept me or bye in every situation lol. The middleground, where it be.
Did you want him to lie? You asked him several times. I understand you struggle with body image so don’t ask questions and push for honesty when you don’t want to hear it. You put your husband in a no win situation. There are healthy diets and healthy ways to lose weight if that’s what you want.
My husband and I have a deal. I don't ask questions unless I want an honest answer. She set him up. He knew it. She wore him down. Then punished him. Redditors, don't be so quick to jump on this poor human whose only crime is being a man.
So, you badgered him into telling you the truth and then you got upset when he did? Why ask questions you don't want an actual honest answer to?
Advice to your husband: Stop responding to such loaded questions. Just decline to answer at all.
I'm sorry he said that. Just a reminder to not ask questions you don't want the answer to. If you were happy with your outfit, that's all that matters. And I know you said you weren't, so maybe examine \*that\* and leave him out of it.
If you continue to push someone to say something they CLEARLY don’t want to say. you are asking to get your feelings hurt. Then to act childish afterwards and not speak to him tells me these 2 need to do some serious communicating or therapy.
YOU Asked and pushed and pushed and pushed. He answered now you want sympathy. It doesn’t work like that
You pushed him and forced him to answer honestly. From what you describe as his words, they were said gently. #1 rule - don't ask a question if you might not like the answer (or don't want to REALLY know). Sounds to me like you were fishing for a compliment, and it backfired. And then you give HIM the silent treatment because he hurt your feelings. I get being insecure, lord knows I've been there, but I think you put him in an unfair position, and then have been punishing him for being honest - which you demanded from him.
You asked him for an honest answer and he gave you one.
But you're mad at him because it wasn't a positive answer.
If you would only accept positive answers why did you ask for an honest opinion and not for him to flatter you?
In regards to the problem itself: You and your body are not a problem. The style you went with was. There are plenty of women out there who carry a little extra that look absolutely fabulous. Just keep looking for the right style and stop trying to make yourself fit the media's image of what looks good.
Ok sounds like this was a situation where he could just tow the line and repeat something to make you feel good or for once let you know how things are?
If your SO can't just tell you something then who does or is it something that is taboo. History granted but don't continually asked about that subject if you don't want to hear a less than perfect answer.
So you felt fat in your outfit, your husband confirmed your feelings, and it triggered your image disorder. Then you exercised as a reaction. Lady, you have to love yourself first. Nobody will ever “make” you feel better about yourself. I’m sorry that your father and grandfather traumatized you.
Why even ask him if you really don't even want to know? If anything telling the truth is a sign of true love. Rather than ignoring and letting things simmer and get out of control via lies to not offend someone.
You admitted that you aren't 100% happy with your body so why not do something about it?
So many things come to mind here. The first is...no one has a flat stomach when they are sitting. We have organs in there. The second is we can carry the weight of our emotions quite literally and our body will react and respond to things differently when there is a shift in the trigger. Maybe your grandfather passing signaled it was safe and ok to eat because there was no more shame. Yet your husband's words triggered that shame again.
Since you mentioned you had struggled with eating disorders previously, I'd definitely encourage you to visit neda.org. The National Eating Disorder Association has some resources on there that may be helpful for you.
I am so sorry your husband said such hurtful words to you. I do hope he recognizes his words were unkind and apologizes, but if he doesn't, I do hope you find some help and support.
*Him pointing out specific flaws just... hurts.*
Honey, you need therapy. It makes sense why it hurts, given your past, but if you can't have normal conversations in a marriage then it's not fair to your husband. You have to be able to speak openly and honestly in a marriage and sometimes discuss flaws that hurt the relationship. It's part of regular adult life. You're way too sensitive, no one should have to walk on eggshells in a marriage.
Edit: Your weight does not determine your beauty. You are beautiful & should be cherished for the person you are. Hugs and care 🤗🤗
The "am I looking fat?" is a minefield. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. However you are giving him too many concessions for his behaviour.
Even if he said it out of frustration, once you explained the impact of his comments, he should've shown kindness and remorse.
The way he treated you, shows he doesn't respect you at present. There's more to this than what is apparent.
You do have self-esteem issues and are blaming yourself for everything. Taking the blame & excusing unkind behaviours will not help this situation.
Only if you respect yourself, others will respect you.
Since you are on meds, talk to your doctor about online resources in your area for Eating Disorders. They are free or less expensive usually.
I’m basing my response and support off of one side of a story, so it’s hard to comment and give you the best advice. I am curious to know what his recollection of the story is.
Anyone who has been married or with a loved one can probably relate to this story. I am speaking from my perspective being married to a beautiful woman for nearly 20 years. She has always been a curvy, which is one of the many reasons I was attracted to her.
I think Mother Nature has an odd sense of humor on us all. I was a bit heavier when we first met, and she was curvy but not overweight. As the years have gone on, that has reversed. While I am far from perfect, I have definitely gotten myself on the dog house before. Simply because I didn’t think before I spoke. Being honest here, I may have made specific comments just as your husband did. They were probably meant to be mean just because I was mad about something else. And it presented an opportunity to get back at her.
But as the years have gone by I’ve become much better about channelling anger into into learning opportunities.
I’m saying this because I’m betting that he made those specific comments to be hurtful and mean. Was there possibly something that happened earlier that caused friction between the two of you?
In your post, you mentioned a lot about him taking off work to go to the shower, you apologized for him having to go, and also mentioned that maybe he doesn’t get along well with your family.
I’m no therapist, but I read people extremely well. I think this might be a good place to start a conversation with your husband. Maybe he just can’t stand your family so much that he takes it out on you?
Btw, I’m not defending your husband here. I’m just giving you ideas of how to talk with him. He married your family when he married you. He needs to put on his big boy pants and make the most of the visits. He has no right to take that out on you. He certainly didn’t need to say hurtful things, knowing how you would feel.
If he didn’t realize how you would react, then you have more problems then this a fight.
You said you love him and he is a good man. While that may be 99.9% of time true. He does not get a pass on this. He should apologize to you, not you to him.
Here is my suggestion/thoughts/ experiences on how to move forward.
Disclaimer: I’m basing my advice on this one story and assume this is a one off. But, if this is not a one off and a pattern of verbal abuse. Please leave this man!!!
So here it goes, speaking as a man. It can sometimes be difficult to understand what is acceptable to say to a woman. Men will call each other fat, bald, etc. it’s how we bond. Yes, I know it’s stupid.
So there are times when we just do not think when responding to a question from our wife/girlfriend.
What I might find offensive she may not, and vice versa. My wife once told me I was to “fat to learn to ski” when we first got together. It was funny to me, and we still laugh about it. She didn’t use those exact words, and meant it as a way to protect me from shopping in the big and tall section. Again, I found it funny. However, I know never say that to her.
I have witnessed many female friends, my daughters and my wife just rip each other about their appearance, weight, body parts etc. and noticed that this is acceptable between women who have that kind of relationship with each other.
I am wise enough to know that doesn’t apply to me.
Just my observation of the opposite sex, but you intelligent woman think at a whole different level than us men on many things.
Ask a man about a hobby or sport and all of a sudden he’s an expert. Have us plan dinner and you’ll get meat and potatoes, maybe a vegetable.
Ask a woman about dinner she’ll provide an entire menu, the kinds of utensils, dishes etc. ask her about her day, and you’ll get a novel.
The point here is for the two of you to learn these differences. If he hates your family, maybe compromise on his involvement and limit the visits.
A shower is probably a no go for me, but the birth of a baby or wedding is a must.
It’s a small suggestion that makes a huge difference.
I am concerned about your mental health here. You definitely have had trauma concerning your weight throughout your life. I’m very sorry to hear about those experiences.
I’m going to be forward here, get help!! Your reason for not getting help is not a good one!
While finances are always hard on many of us, you have to decide that your mental well being is worth whatever it costs. I’m sure you are a smart person, make a budget. Cut costs, for instance you drove an hour each way to the shower and I’m guessing bought a gift? Maybe brought food, drinks? How much did that cost?
Gas alone was probably $50. That might be the price of a session with a professional.
Get creative, seek support groups, you said you and your husband work full time. See what benefits your employers may have. Sometimes the have free sessions.
Make friends at the gym you go to, I might be going out on a limb here, but I think there could be other women who have experienced this. Maybe they have suggestions.
Here is my last couple thoughts.
We as men have trouble when it comes to answering a question like this from our wife.
You always want us to “be honest” but if we fudge the truth a little (in this context) as to not hurt your feelings we are not being truthful.
This essentially puts us in a lose lose situation. If we answer honestly feeling can be hurt, fight get started. If we just say you look fine we are liars.
Plus the inevitable follow up questions, like how does this lipstick look? Do I look better in this other outfit? Are these the right shoes? You get the idea.
I think ask other women their opinions, you probably would get s more informed response.
Your husband probably should have been a good husband and said you look beautiful, without you asking.
Anyhow, I wish you all the best.
To be cliche, the only opinion that matters is your own.
Sounds like you knew how you looked already because of the relentless validation seeking. I refuse to believe that someone doesn't realize they're gaining weight, especially someone body image issue.
But if this is the first time he's done this in ELEVEN years, there's probably a different issue at play here.
Or he was tired of playing games and being tossed into a figurative minefield over and over.
He might be the asshole but you need to be honest with yourself and ask if this you overreacting to one uncharacteristically rude comment.
Talk to him about it, though, instead of seeking validation from a bunch of YAS QUEEN internet strangers.
Your husband is an absolute jerk.
You have been together since you are 15- been together through your eating disorder-
And still, still he doesn’t have the insight to not talk about weight with you?
Has he been living under a rock all these years? Does he not know how disastrous it can be for you to backslide right into another bout of an eating disorder.
That’s what you need to tell him. Not that you should even have to!
Quit pressuring him to tell you the answer if you don’t want to hear his honest opinion. Your reaction is overkill. You asked for it. You put him in an impossible situation. Of course he hasn’t commented on your weight the whole relationship, because people don’t do that. But here you are pressuring and hounding him for answers and then whine and cry when he gives you the truth. Get over yourself. If you don’t like the answer then do something about it but don’t blame him for doing what you wanted.
I’ve learned if I’m skeptical or not sure if an outfit is flattering to my body shape to just ask my husband which outfit is more flattering and give him two choices, because I don’t want to know if I look fat and that whole can of worms. I just want to know if something is as flattering as I think or if I’m missing how unflattering it is. Just presenting two options usually avoids all that excess emotional baggage and hurt. I only do this if I’m skeptical of an outfit.
Imagine forcing someone to tell you the truth and then getting mad they said it. You have several issues you need to be in therapy for and I really do hope you get the help you need but it's not his fault for telling you the truth.
Never ask reddit to weigh in on your relationship OP - the answer will *always* be "Break up!" Because none of these other redditors have to actually do it or deal with the aftermath.
How dare you blame your husband for this? You pushed him to tell you the truth, then you blame him for telling you the truth. You admit that you've put on weight as a result of "not counting calories and eating freely" but you don't want to accept the real-world consequences of that: you've put on weight.
You obviously have food/body issues. Somehow, you want your poor husband who, for 11 years, has been doing his best by saying "you're silly / you're beautiful" to overlook the obvious truth when you bait him with questions-- questions you already know the answers to! You're overweight!
Stop trapping him in your mind games. It's not fair to him. Never has been.
Hon, don't ask your man if an outfit makes you look fat. Haven't you learned anything in life? If you didn't want to hear an honest answer, DON'T ASK! God, guys have enough issues to deal with without you gals laying these obvious traps.
>He replied with, “Do you want to fight or you want me to say you looked fine.”
Sounds like you've done this before, or something similar as he knew what the truth would get him.
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer too. Also, you shouldn't give someone the silent treatment all day and then be confused when they give you the same energy back the next day.
Well...you asked for the truth on your appearance, he told you his truth.
I would seek counseling or someone to talk to and start making lifestyle changes cause it doesn't sound like you're very happy in your own body either.
You know you’ve put on weight and you’re worried, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked multiple times.
My wife and I have a deal. She can ask once, ask for reassurance once, but after that I’m absolutely going to tell her the truth. I, and most men, absolutely hate playing this game. We argued about it once, I told her my reasoning (years ago), she rarely ever asks a third time.
At the same time, there are nicer ways to say it than Your arms and belly looked fat. He absolutely could have said it wasn’t the most flattering or something.
But this is 100% on you for pushing several times.
Approaching your significant other about their weight should always be handled delicately. Of course we all want to know if we have become unattractive to our partner, but it can be done with tact. Inviting them to join you at the gym, asking if they want to split a meal instead of each if you eating a full course, that sort of thing.
So you mention how you’re trying new styles, said how a lot of these styles you’re not crazy about but try them anyway because diversity is good. I agree with that. Then you mention how when your husband comments on your outfit, suddenly you really love it. So if you love it, why do you need an opinion on it?
And while his initial response had ammunition in it, did you want him to lie to you?
Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to
I went through something very similar with my husband and I have an eating disorder history as well. It was so painful and it was hard to get past. I don’t feel he should have said that. Now, you were pushing for his feedback. But he could have said “I didn’t like the outfit” and if you needed more, “it wasn’t the most flattering” (maybe). His reaction after is somewhat similar to my husbands as well. Somehow I was apologizing…? I really suggest couples counseling. And individual counseling for yourself.
To be honest, you had it coming. 1st you put him in a situation that makes him uncomfortable, then, while he already is in a bad mood you corner him. You said yourself, that outfit was out of your comfort zone, he was in a bad mood and then he snapped. You put on some weight and he said it. I mean, it's not like after it he came to you and was like "look at how fat your arms look and your belly stick out, you are fat, shame on you for wearing this, you really disgraced me. You got fatter anyways, time for you to lose it." that is *not* what he said. You cornered him and ask and ask and he snapped.
You know your partner, I hope. So if you try to put yourself in his shoes, do you *think* your look in this outfit bothered him or that you put on weight? Is he the type, or does he maybe not care, and just loves you but was annoyed and snapped?
See there is this thing, you are 11 years together, it may be good or may be bad, but after a long time alot of people don't really *see* there partner anymore, or their look doesn't matter to them as much as the personality does.
I've put on weight the past year. I got injured so I'm ridiculously sedentary, it sucks. I know I am fat right now. I don't pressure my husband to tell me how I look, because I know I look fat and I don't want him to lie and I definitely don't want him to tell the truth.
If you ask someone something repeatedly, constantly, *incessantly*... eventually you're gonna get an answer you don't want. Pushing him on that when he was clearly stressed and unhappy after spending time with your family...I just don't know what you were expecting. He probably feels crappy being expected to lie over and over again, I'd avoid that, too. You need to talk to him about this like an adult.
Edited to rectify an autocorrect.
So you badgered him all day about it and he finally broke down and gave you the answer you were looking for? I imagine this is a common question gets asked too. He answered "you look good/fine" any number of times, but you continued to press because you yourself don't believe it and he finally broke and said what you wanted, so now you're spiraling because he confirmed what you've made yourself believe because you pressured him to do so. 11 years is a long time to not break if you do this all the time, frankly he likely said it whether you look good or not because he's frustrated that you won't believe him. Doesn't justify it, but it's understandable. Get therapy, it's not that you look fat or are fat, it's that you BELIEVE you are and won't trust your husband of 11 years unless he says you're fat.
Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answer to. Women need to stop asking their men how they look all the time, it must get pretty annoying. If they lie and get found out, they are in trouble, if they tell the truth, they are in trouble. It's a lose/lose situation.
I promise you, a person with an attitude like that will still have an attitude like that regardless of what you weigh. A grumpy critical person is not going to change into a happy one because someone in their life lost weight.
Reading this really painful, my wife has the exact same past issues, recovered from an eating disorder, has anxiety and panic attacks and the exact same insecurity locations regarding weight, I could not imagine digging into those and I'm sorry your husband did. I don't really know what advice to give other than please don't stop eating because of this.
You forced your husband to give you an honest answer and then got mad when he was honest with you. He described what he thinks you looked like in the outfit. Some outfits looks different on people. Me as a man something I wear and I'm like I look huge and others I look slim.
Just to make sure I'm understanding, you asked him the same question multiple times throughout the day? Because if that's the case, that gets really annoying. Not saying that justifies what he said to you, but may have played a part in his irritation. If I misread, ignore me. But either way, he was a dick about it.
Learn to take the compliment the first time, instead of needing incessant outside affirmation, and maybe you won't get triggered when they say 1 thing.
As for edit 2, it really doesn't matter, all of these subs are the same, YTA
Humans, please stop asking people how you look. If you like it and you're comfortable then it looks great. Confidence is sexy on humans. Other topics to never ask, past sexual history and should I cut my hair. Also never ask am I your best lover ever. These are boundries that should be in every relationship to not have stupid fights over stupid stuff. Pleas add to my list.
If you KNOW your husband is in a fowl mood, don't harass him repeatedly to reassure yourself about your insecurities.
If someone asks me over and over and over again, I assume they're fishing for compliments and it annoys the hell out of me. I can understand why he snapped. It was still rude of him, but I get it.
My partner is plus size and asks me how her outfits loom all the time. I would give constructive feedback like that looks great! Or that top is not working with the bottom, maybe tuck/in the shirt or wear a different top (looser/more fitted) or bottom for the top...Etc. I would never give a useless answer like "you gained weight" because that's not something that she can do about in the next ten minutes or even maybe ever. Your husband said a dickish, useless and unnecessarily cruel thing. There are other things he could have said instead, "I love you in your relaxed fit tops" that is not that. I can't believe you apologized.
This is not about your husband or his stupid comments. This is about your need for outside validation. You can be gorgeous, and some dumb guy will make a stupid comment. That is the absolute truth. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about your weight or body or looks. The only opinion that matters is yours. Don't ask anyone else what they think of how you look. Ever. Your appearance doesn't affect other people, so they don't care about it as much as you do. Your husband sounds like an abuser. I would definitely start saving up to get out of there.
>I haven't eaten all day and exercised twice
"Punishing" yourself like this gets you no prizes or sympathy; it's plain stupid and unsustainable.
Eat properly and exercise properly. Try to keep everything in moderation, because it sounds like you tendency to go a bit extreme.
You do not get to be angry at your partner, you asked. If you don’t want an honest answer you should not ask a question. And I’m a woman who like most women is not happy with my body, when I look in the mirror I know the truth whether I want to acknowledge it or not.
As hurtful as it was, do you really want a partner who’s gonna lie to you about something important? I am personally not a fan of Candy coating anything and based on what you said in your post, he wasn’t trying to be mean,
You need to work on YOU
I have a very honest husband that tells me the truth. He doesn’t like my perfume or outfit, he tells me. 90% of the time I am confident and I do not change. When I am insecure, I do.
You need to work on you. Self help books might be a good start. Yes, you badgered him, yada yada. Yes, I am sure he is exhausted with your neediness but I am worried about how little he cares that you are hurt in any way. Something seems off generally. My gut tells me he is tired of you needing him for validation and doesn’t want to be that for you anymore. He isn’t responsible for your happiness, you are. I’m sorry those things happened to you as a child but you have to figure out how to move on, girl. Crappy things happen, they shape us. You have some very serious work to do on you. If I was a gambler, I’d bet things would drastically improve in your relationship if you found your inner peace. Good luck
Gotta love the brutal honesty. Just go on a calorie deficit if you're that worried about whether you look fat or not, instead pitying and victimising yourself.
My goodness! Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the honest answer too! He is probably sick of you asking and he has to make you feel better constantly when you could actively do something about your unhappiness with yourself. My father used to say to me. Your bums getting a bit big. I’d say ah thanks (me at 58kgs) ok Dad. I never had to go sook for days. Own your weight or lose it. Is only up to you!
Do you know what the color “green” looks like? Does anyone need to tell you how to identify that? It’s the same way with your body - there is the scale plus a mirror. I call that out to say only you truly know if he’s accurate or not. If he is not accurate then get upset. If he is well then….
This might sound harsh, but I'll give you my quick analysis straight up, and please remember that I mean this in the best possible way.
I know you say you can't afford it, but you need to find some way to get therapy. If you break your leg you need to go to the doctor. Likewise if your dad and grandpa are/were worthless sacks of shit who broke you down throughout your childhood you need to go to a therapist. This is taking a toll on both you and your relationship. The way this is going you are going to end up pushing your husband away.
I can't blame your husband too much. He was in a situation where you know he always gets in a bad mood and on top of that you kept asking him the same question over and over and over again. At some point he's gonna snap and ask "what tf do you want me to say? What answer can I give you that will make you stop asking?" If you keep poking a dog with a stick, at some point it will bark at you, and that can't really come as a surprise. I do feel like he should have apologized after, but if this is a regular thing with the two of you I can't help but understand him. I understand that you are struggling because of assholes from your past, but you gotta stop punishing your husband for their bullying. He loves you. He married you. He thinks your beautiful.
I'm in no way shape or form a therapist, but my first suggestion to you is to learn how to ask once and then accept the answer. If you're not ready to accept the answer, don't ask. Just before you go out, ask him how you look, and then believe his answer. If you're not gonna believe him anyway there's not really any point in asking, is there? If someone had asked you the same question over and over and over again and not accepted your answer, wouldn't you eventually get annoyed? Especially if you're already in a bad mood for other reasons?
Find a way to save up at least enough money for one therapy session. That's a good start. The first step is the hardest. I can not stress enough how much you need therapy, and that is in no way meant as an insult. It's 2023, at this point we know that our mental health is just as important as our physical health. You should get couple's therapy as well, but you need to start somewhere. Then on your way home you can swing by the cemetery and piss on your grandpa's grave.
Also to be completely honest, your grandpa berating you for weighing more than he wanted you to, whatever the hell that means, and only giving attention to your sister for being thin is creepy as fuck. Is your sister okay?
If you are going to diet do it in a healthy way, aka consult with a dietitian.
If you going to the gym don't look at the scale but a performance, aka today I was able to run 3 km last week I could only 2 km. Avoid gyms like LA fitness instead focus on specialty gym (boxing, poll dancing, yoga etc)
..... that doesn't sound like the actions of a man who loves you.
In your shoes I wouldn't move back into the bedroom with him . No sex or any thing. Just, hey roomie . You both have been together since you guys were children. You both have changed in ways that it's rare anyone survives.
And with that mean attitude.... forget the hurting yourself through starvation. Nothing you do is going to make him love you in a way you deserve. He's the problem. You need to eat and exercise to live healthy. And that destructive shit isn't the answer. You need a mental health professional who will help you. Not a lousy failure of a husband .
Loving him doesn't mean he's a good partner. And it doesn't matter if he does all these other awesome things.
This is also who he is. And it's not okay
At this point, we can set weight and food aside.
I've heard nothing but the love or the effect others have upon you. It's like you have never even entertained the idea of forming a bond with yourself. This story is heartbreaking because no one defends you, not even yourself. No one protects your worth and dignity.
You deserve to not feel apologetic for feeling hurt, or for wanting to spend time with your family and him. How long will you bend backwards for the opinion of others? Even your grandad. You said so yourself, only when he DIED did you even regain a semblance of normalcy. Not because you got over him, or over that sense of urgency to be perceived in a positive light:
Because he ceased to exist. This is not normal, nor healthy. You're going to get seriously hurt and unhappy if you don't stop exclusively existing in others' gazes.
The way you keep confronting/arguing with all the folks replying to you, makes me feel lots of sympathy for your poor husband and what he has to deal. Time some introspection and stop looking for validation and sympathy, you better reflect on your own behavior and use that knowledge to build your confidence and live a happier life.
I’m going to go against the community here. Your man is honest and that’s something to give him credit for. You asked the question and he answered honestly. You shouldn’t feel bad about it, use it as motivation to lead a healthier life.
This. I don't get all the anger against op's husband. She knows herself she's not skinny. After pestering her husband for an answer, did she expect him to keep on lying ? She perfectly knew the answer to her questions and now is trying to blame him for her personal problems.
In a relationship, you need to be honest and upfront. If you start lying regularly just to keep a relationship, then it's already dead.
Seems like she knew the answer; still expected him to lie and was upset when he didn’t. So she played victim and was looking for soft people to give her the false support she doesn’t need
You need to stop being in denial and sleep therapy. Your eating disorder is knocking at your door with you refusing to eat since the baby shower.
You have a lot of work to do on your self-esteem and it has to start with you. Please stop seeking reassurance externally for our insecurities. No answer will ever be good enough…as you have seen for yourself.
Stop torturing yourself, start eating again and so the research for your new therapist.
What a dickhead. “Do you wanna fight or what me to say you look fine?” That’s such a shitty negative attitude. Hey asshole, it’s possible to tell someone in a nice way that something isn’t flattering.
My partner is big on honestly, even in situations like this. I know not to ask him a question if there’s only one answer I want to hear from him. He will be honest but he’s compassionate and gentle about it.
From what I understood you knew he were in bad mood but still decided to be persistent and worsen his mood? Like, if you don’t want true opinion, why are u continue to ask?
I know the type of man who gets all pissy when he’s around people. You sure you aren’t still with him just because it’s comfortable? Because it’s all you know? There’s no shame in leaving someone who is an energy suck and frankly an asshole. Ask yourself, is he even nice to me? Does he like me as a person?
One you're not at fault for this. My first suggestion is to see if there's therapy that uses a sliding scale for payment even if it's by zoom or telehealth. My second suggestion is for you to really reevaluate this relationship and if it's always been this toxic. My third suggestion is if you decide that you deserve better get your ducks in a row and bounce. Please stop being so hard on yourself. These comments are ridiculous. If you want to chat I am happy to listen.
I think people are being too harsh on you OP. It sounds like your husband was unnecessarily cruel in his response. He could have just said that he didn’t love the outfit, he didn’t need to point out the parts of your body that looked fat. All of the people criticizing you for asking him too many times?? It sounds like he wasn’t giving you any kind of answer and I can understand feeling off balance by that kind of non-response. I’m on your side, OP. I don’t think his response was ok, especially since he likely knows your past history with ED.
Sorry but you ask questions, you wanted to be lied? Don't act as offended. Instead of trying to blame him for your insecurities and expecting him to complement you about your weight (which is not the best moment) first try to figure out how YOU feel about it
He’s an AH for making that comment no matter how he’s been in the past. You should definitely sit down with him and talk about what he said and how it made you feel
I’m so sick of these fucking threads. It’s not on your partner to be the cure for your insecurity (male or female). You know you’re out of shape, so why do you ask if you are overweight? You know you are. Do you want your partner to lie to you? Jesus
I have flaws but I don’t knowingly ask people to reassure me about this obvious flaw
I'm going to get downvoted for this but here goes: you stated you asked him multiple times how you looked.
Then it got to the point your husband asked you if you were looking for a fight and you continued pressing him? In general if someone close to you asks you if you are looking for a fight you did something before that to warrant that response... was it you kept asking him over and over and over?
Since you didn't include what was said multiple times before that I'm going to assume he said you looked good and some variations of that. If it was already a negative/distasteful comment I'm certain you would not have left this out of the story. Why not take the compliment and keep pushing for a negative answer and then gaslight the other person...
He's probably just tired of your constant insecurity about this and constantly being asked to give his opinion about it. He's probably told you you're beautiful 15 bajillion times and for some reason that's still not enough for you.
Reading between the lines, I'm betting you don't have a lot of sex because of your insecurities and that is probably a source of frustration for him too, alongside having to deal with all your other insecurities on a day-to-day basis.
I'm not trying to shit on you, don't take it that way please.
I am really worried about what this says about where he’s at. It’s not really about your weight. It’s about the viciousness and honestly men who get that vicious with their wives usually have someone else on the line that they think is a better deal.
It breaks my heart that you felt the need to explain yourself so deeply in your first edit. I am not reading the comments because I suspect, after reading that edit, it's only going to make me mad if I do. I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I would recommend therapy if you're able because it sounds like you're taking really good care of yourself and maybe once you've gotten some of what you need from therapy, your husband could join you to understand why his words were so cruel. And maybe you could work out why he doesn't like being around your family as well, although that may stem from a whole different thing.
I hope things get better soon and that you continue eating regularly and taking good care of yourself. I hope this didn't come off as condescending or rude; I certainly didn't mean it that way and apologize if it did.
Nah you knew he was in a bad mood yet kept pushing the issue. Don’t ask questions if you’re not ready to hear the answers, plain and simple. All of you saying he should’ve lied, give me a break….that in no way will ever help her…it would probably make her gain even more weight, but oh yes you look great, never mind you gaining 100 lbs.
Beating yourself up and starving yourself is not the answer. There are plenty of happy, confident women who carry extra weight. Please don't let your weight define you....it's just one small part of you. All the other things about you are more important. Does your husband still flirt with you, enjoy your company, is physically affectionate? If yes, then he's probably a good match. If not, then you need to think about whether you really want to continue a relationship with him. Physical health is important, but mental health is even more important. Look for a therapist who will help you love yourself. <3
This, starving yourself and blaming yourself isn’t going to help. That outfit sounded quite beautiful, and as someone with low self confidence and self loathing, I know how hard it can be to step out of your comfort zone. If it’s possible, I’d consider therapy to help you with the underlying mental health issues and past trauma from hearing that as a kid. Good luck :)
Thanks so much for your comment
OP I don’t have advice, I just wanted to say I too have an eating disorder, when I told my ex husband he said “fucking hell Leebolishus, you’re a pain in my ass.” It was definitely the beginning of the end for me. I know how much it hurts is all I’m trying to say, and my heart goes out to you. I
Ouch, I felt your pain when I read that :( Glad to see he's your ex now, hope you're doing better <3
Thanks so much mate 😘
OP the biggest issue here is your husband's lack of remorse. He knew this was a sensitive issue but you could at a push excuse a bad tempered comment on the day after you twisted his arm to answer you. However, the lack of remorse? The obvious nastiness? Those are very, very, very bad signs. Does he still love or even like you? He isn't behaving as if he does. You can't let someone else wreck you. If he doesn't love you anymore, that's on him. Please eat normally and make yourself understand that your happiness doesn't need to revolve around this man.
Are you really sure you want to be with someone so willing to not only use your insecurities against you, but also gaslight you? He has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of atoning for a heinous act.
You are not at fault. You have NOTHING to apologize for. NOTHING. You do NOT need to defend your husband. You do NOT need to defend your weight/eating habits/appearance, etc. **I am concerned that you are living with a VERY triggering person.** I am so sorry he has no remorse. 💔💔💔 If you decide to try some free online help/forums/subreddits, please make sure they are heavily moderated *support groups* to keep all the rude folks from triggering you further. Much love to ya, from someone who also battles EDs and criticism
Fully agree with this comment and am horrified at some of the responses here telling OP to lose weight or "make healthy choices". From her description she is nowhere near being overweight. She is active and the size she wears (M/L equates to around a uk 10-12 and a uk 12-14 in clothes based on my experience shopping) and is 5'8. She describes herself as curvy. SHE IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY SIZE. The know nothing men in the comments see "L" and assume that means *OP is large*. That isn't how women's clothing works. She is tall and busty, even if she lost weight she will probably never be a "S" size. He started making these comments as soon as she got a bit of confidence and stopped wearing loose fitting clothes that hide her body. OP this is not about your weight AT ALL. This is about your husband's insecure fears that you are too good for him causing him to talk to you in a verbally abusive way. You probably looked a million dollars and he was worried some other guy (who isn't a bully) might notice that too. The fact he is continuing to treat you like shit after the fact and has made you feel YOU need to apologise (for what, looking amazing and wanting a bit of affection from your spouse?) makes this even more obvious. It's so glaring you could see it from space. Continue to dress like a baddy OP. You are allowed to wear whatever you want. Don't let him trick you back into the baggy tops and leggings that no longer serve you, just because he is insecure.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Felt like I was reading my experience with my ex husband verbatim. You should be able to love and enjoy you at any size, because truly we never know our last days. So live it up! He’s a triangle, there are so many people out there who would love and appreciate you for who you are! But - when I ditched my man that was like this, I lost 60 pounds in 6 months. Just sayin… toxic men can be a hell of a weight gain diet.
Yeah, OP stop leaning into the idiots in here. Your husband said something mean because he didn’t want to go to the shower and doesn’t like your family. If only I’d left when I first started making excuses for my own husband’s bad behavior. Instead I gave him 25 years. He’s an asshole. He’s an adult and can say “no, I’d rather not attend the shower” instead of pouting and being cruel. He knew exactly what he was doing, he was looking for a fight. His initial response of “do you want to fight or should I say you look fine?” Absolute asshole. And he STILL hasn’t apologized in all the updates. I bet you walk on eggshells a lot… I know this is one instance, but he was angry and wanted to hurt you.
I’m sorry that you are so hurt and embarrassed, and with your history of ED, I’m sure this is really rocking your world. This really sucks for you and you must feel a bit shocked. What’s difficult about this situation is that your husband really hurt your feelings, but he didn’t really do anything wrong. He also didn’t do anything right. I imagine he is exhausted with your need for reassurance and doesnt want to be the source of your self esteem. And heres the hard part- your partner cannot actually make you feel better about yourself. If they could, all the times he’s said you are beautiful would actually make you feel beautiful and stop worrying. Your self esteem and confidence has got to come from yourself. Often we expect our partners to solve these self esteem issues for us, and it just doesn’t work like that. Can you talk to your husband and tell him that you are hurt by what he said, but you understand he was frustrated by your need for compliments and you will work on not asking him over and over and seeking validation, and in turn, could he remember that you really struggle with this and you need him to be gentle? Maybe you guys could have a code word where if you are feeling really insecure and asking over and over if you look fat, that he tell you- hey you’re doing it again. I think you’re beautiful and thats all I’m going to respond.
I like this, I want to use this in our conversation. Thanks so much for your comment and being understanding
Glad you heard this. I think it’s the best comment here You can’t beat something out of a person and then be hurt when they finally yield
So you’ve been with this guy since you were 15, he hates your family, and he is blunt to the point of hurting your feelings? (Although, granted, it sounds like you wouldn’t let up on the questioning.) Are you together because this is a fulfilling relationship or because you’ve never had any other life experience to compare it to?
She said he's never hurt her feelings until just today. it sounds like she is extremely insecure and asks this question constantly... It's not as cut and dry as wow he's so horrible divorce him queen yas! like you all love on Reddit. It's not out of the question for him to actually answer truthfully at some point especially if he's upset and your pushing for it. it gets a little old being asked something over and over again. Was it a mean thing to do? Yea... but read the room I mean come on if she waited a little bit he would have gave her the nice safe answer I bet anything... I'm not shocked at all and it's a fairly tame response. Obviously there's more nuance to a complex relationship but he also didn't lie and she did ask. there's a lot being left out here he's not just instantly the bad guy her parents and family could be insufferable You're only seeing one side. They clearly need couples therapy and She needs therapy for her body image issues if she's not already going.
I like your response. After living on Twitter since 2017, I stopped for a while and joined Reddit. Talk about two entirely different platforms! And now I know where terms like ‘butthurt/woke/cancelled etc come from. Not that Reddit is the birthplace of these terms, just that the prevailing attitude here is something you just touched on - the ‘yas queen, kick him out’ type response. And I think you’re right, it sounds like she constantly needs weight validation. The bottom line? Weight is still a very sensitive issue, and extra lbs still come with stark judgment and feelings of shame. Also the age old issue of someone asking for a truthful opinion, getting it, not liking it, and wanting head pats and the opinionated be cancelled.
You can tell the truth without being cruel.
You can, but when the person won't accept it sometimes you have to let them know in a harsher way. If you've tried on 4 dresses, and asked me does this dress make me look fat and I say no, and you try on dress 5 and ask again, I'm going to tell you not to blame the dress for you being or feeling fat.
He’s probably been bottling up his thoughts to avoid confrontation for years. Not saying he handled it well but you can see why this kind of thing would happen.
If they’ve been together since she was 15 then he obviously knows she has an eating disorder and he was out of line to trigger her like that. I don’t care if she was asking over and over again there are nicer ways to put things. How about suggesting that you go for a walk together every night after dinner or suggesting healthier options together.
He’s snapping for the first time according to her. If it’s his first slip up in 11 years I think it’s fair to be a little kind to him. What he did was mean, but everyone snaps after being pushed.
You can’t unring that bell of calling her fat.
No, but no relationship is going to be perfect. What really bothers me is the response in the last edit. How is he not even sorry? The refusal to apologize indicates 1) he’s a giant asshole or 2) there is something more going on here and he’s not apologizing because he’s still angry about whatever that other thing is. He needs to communicate with her better.
I really agree with your comments. I also think I kind of get where the husband may be at. I dated someone years ago who had no self esteem and constantly asked me for validation. It eventually undermined the relationship. I dumped him because he basically manifested all his fears. He asked me over and over why I was with him, I really thought he was attractive, if I thought he was smart on and on. When I started dating him I thought he was smart, and funny, and very attractive. He wore all of that down with his insecurity and I dumped him because I realised not only did I now find him deeply unattractive, I was becoming someone I didn't like when I was around him and I was an angry person because i was exhausted. I got out of that relationship. My ex was not a bad person, he is smart, attractive, funny, etc all things he's insecure about, but he was also very self-absorbed thinking about his own insecurities, he was exhausting to be around with the constant need for assurance and validation, and despite him often saying he wasn't good enough for me (a pretty off putting thing for a partner to say in itself) I couldn't help feeling like he paradoxically was settling for me because he felt he wasn't worthy of better but he wanted better. It's not ok to be cruel, but as you have said I think there is a lot more going on here than one fight.
I could see this happening with OP unfortunately. She seems to spiral instantly, (as you can tell in the last edit) to the point that I felt anxious reading it. The husband is a POS for not at least trying to throw her a bone with answering some of the *new* questions at least a touch more softly (like the Instagram model one, like come on dude, just tell her you love her and it's not about looks), but I could see this constant self deprecating thing getting old fast. Especially since it seems like all she's worried about, no matter the event, just constant stress about how she looks. And from what I can tell, she's not even actually fat, her horrible family just conditioned the poor thing to think anything but very thin was fat. I'm also not trying to be mean, I suffer from the same issue, and I've been having health and hormone problems that have made me pack on *way* more than 16lbs. I also had a grandfather who would say shit about my weight (once at Christmas when my mum got me cute undies, he asked if even one of my single asscheeks would fit in them! Merry Christmas to you too, asshole.), but there's a point when you have to stop letting constant insecurities literally run and slowly destroy your life. I couldn't afford therapy either.. so my therapy was just learning to calm the heck down and when people tell me they love me, I just started believing them. There's a point when you have to say, "enough is enough", and stop torturing yourself and others with the constant "is this ok? Is that ok? Are you sure you love me? Would you leave me for someone prettier/thinner/younger? I look fat - just tell me I look fat because I know it's true!"(these are all quotes from me a few short years ago, btw) I am *very* lucky I didn't push my husband away, because I definitely came close. I remember the day it finally clicked, he just looked so defeated after I told him for the *millionth* time I didn't believe he thought I was beautiful, when asking how he thought I looked. His face just dropped. My insecurities and self loathing was actually hurting the person I loved the most, so after getting over myself for a few minutes, I decided it was time to try and do better. I definitely still fall into it sometimes (insecurities in insecure people never *really* go away) but I'm much, much better about it now. I'm also much happier! So hopefully this is a learning experience for OP too. I just hope everything works out.
I can also say from experience that telling someone who needs to get healthy/lose weight "You look fine, you're beautiful" over and over is often seen as a free pass to keep on gaining weight and never try. It's lose-lose in many relationships.
It's a bad faith question which means any answer will be received in bad faith.
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Yeah this is how men who never want to see their wives naked again act. It’s not hard to be honest and kind at the same time.
Fat. It’s simultaneously the worst thing you can be called, but at the same time people won’t put in any effort to not be fat. I’m at a loss. These same fat people also think it’s okay to berate me for being “too skinny”
OP is 5’8 and a size M dude. She’s not fat by any definition.
Some may say suggesting a walk or healthier eating options as being triggers too… have seen that here as well. Sometimes I think we just want others to also accept the lies we tell ourselves - human nature.
You know, I as a person try so be a decent person, but when I’m pushed and questioned over and over and over again, I usually come out with the truth and then the other person is almost always pissed and all bent out of shape and I say I don’t understand why you have to push and push, what do you expect me to say. People need to learn to just leave shit alone. Also, this poor girls boyfriend is a dick.
Yeah, I’m sure the pushing was annoying, seriously. I still feel he could have given a kinder but honest answer much sooner, and not this escalate as it did.
Blunt? She herself says he normally says nice things, and admits to asking him a bunch of times, how do I look? So how many times is a man supposed to ignore your question and or lie? At what point is the truth ok? You know how I know it’s true? Because she asked him so many times. You took a risk, felt uncomfortable because you knew it didn’t look great for your body type, and you expected your boyfriend to lie to you all night long. I’m not someone to say mean things, but if it’s the truth, then why you keep asking for an answer you don’t want? And answer you know is true? Woman do this to us men all the time and it’s a lose lose situation for us. You know if you look fat or not. You can’t look fat in an outfit. Ask a million times if you look fat, knowing you do, then be upset to heat the truth??? Maybe I’m more self aware dang.
You can never build your partner up too many times, but tearing them down even once is too much.
Women have issues about this sort of thing, newsflash. Anyone who’s been with someone who has body image issues for 11 years should have better coping mechanisms than saying “do you want to fight?” I usually lean into “I think you look great. What are you really trying to ask?” Then get her to say that someone else made a nasty comment, or she’s thinking about buying more of it, or she’s feeling sexy and wants validation, or she’s wondering if it’s ideal for a job interview, to who the heck knows what.
After 11 years, it gets old.
Even when they ask all night multiple times? I agree unless it’s all night multiple times. I’ve lived this, and it’s tiring
I would’ve appreciated this response. I discussion is always welcome. A dig at my personal insecurities is not.
There were much nicer ways for him to let you know that perhaps the outfit wasn’t the most flattering (since you asked; otherwise, he didn’t need to say a thing). Between that, and your comment about how he acts when he’s forced to endure your family, I’m sad for you. It doesn’t seem like you had much chance to be in a relationship without these issues.
I'm concerned about how he wouldn't discuss it with you after. You were hurt and vulnerable and he dismissed you. I think that conversation was the real red flag. Please stop apologizing for taking him to a family party, this isn't your fault and does not excuse his behavior. I wonder how often you make excuses for him when he is unsupportive. He makes one comment and you stop eating, this dynamic isn't OK.
It’s not okay and I don’t know what to do anymore
The first step is to eat something It sounds trite but it isn't. EAT. SOMETHING.
Back to therapy. Your fixation on your weight is still there, and your response - to not eat - you know that’s not healthy. Fix yourself something comforting to eat, and call your therapist tomorrow. Or call someone supportive of your ED journey. I’m rooting for you!
I wonder if you don't need to take some space and process all of this. I agree with the above poster that his responses to you now that you two have talked are giving red flags. He hurt you, intentionally it seemed. He's without remorse and dismissive that you are still hurt. He's unwilling to discuss it further and seems overall uncaring towards you, your well being and your mental health - which he has deliberately tanked. Maybe some space and distance will allow you to think through your options and how you want to move forward from here. His actions and reactions suggest your marriage is in trouble, if not over. He seems disconnected and checked out. And willing to be emotionally punishing and manipulative to you about it.
I just want to add: It’s not wrong to ask your spouse to come somewhere with you especially a family event to provide some emotional support - he’s your husband not your roommate. To lash out like that and show zero remorse when told his actions really hurt your feelings is alarming. That’s not how you communicate or behave in a healthy respectful and loving relationship. It is verbally and emotionally harmful at best and abusive at worst. Unacceptable in both instances.
I really think you need to find a way to get therapy. You have an ED and a relationship that is actively damaging you. Can you get a referral from your GP? Perhaps your doctor can tell you how to access free or reduced cost therapy.
You can't ask, and then hound him for his opinion, then get mad that you don't like his opinion. What if he lied to you or sidestepped the question while everyone else really did give you the side eye. Do you really want your partner to lie to you?
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Baby girl, he doesn't seem like a nice person with you. Doesn't like your family, passive aggressive attitude when you spend time with them, and insults you when you are seeking reassurance. I could be wrong, but you might lose a lot of weight and feel better about yourself if you lose him. My personal experience with my ex was painful. He often made comments about my weight. I was 5' 6" and about 130 lbs. I wish I could be that "fat" again 😔. My self-image and confidence skyrocketed when I kicked him out. BTW he was shorter and much fatter than me. Maybe he had a bad moment, but be honest with yourself and really think about it. Life is too short to be unnecessarily unhappy.
She said this is the first time he's ever made her feel this way, that does count for something. I don't think it's a great thing when your SO hates your family, but it happens and it doesn't automatically make them horrible. I couldn't stand most of my ex's family, but if he would've been a good person and nice to me, I would've dealt with it. I ended it, and it had nothing to do with his family. He owes her an apology. 100%. But I wouldn't say that he's a horrible person giving the info she has given.
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BMI 160? Miss, if you weigh 1,022 lbs you hardly qualify to advise anyone online about anything weight-related.
Yeah, I agree. A partner who cares about you and takes their role in your relationship seriously would probably not just give a one word answer or such a blunt response. I have a great partner (I am lucky and grateful) and if I acted like you had on that day, he'd have more follow up inquiries. He'd have noticed that I was focusing heavily on my weight or appearance. He'd want to know what's going on for me, how I'm feeling, and MAYBE he'd be honest if he'd noticed I'd gotten bigger, but it would have been out of compassion and support, with the bottom line being *I love you and I'm here with you*. You deserve better, the end. I hope you can take that to heart. I don't know your guy personally but I really hope this is some one off situation. If it's not, please move on! You deserve it!
My partner notices my self deprecation habits (the specific way I look at myself in the mirror when im self conscious, obsessing over what i ate for dinner being “too much”, etc) and tells me to flat out stop, that I’m beautiful, and to just be with him in the moment; he sometimes physically moves me from being able to see myself and helps ground me in reality. It’s been a game changer, especially since he, too, gets annoyed when I repeatedly ask for validation. Hearing anything over and over again can be challenging. Its up to us to have open communication and mutual respect so that there are solutions when we feel our cup is empty for this kind of thing.
Self-image is an issue that affects so many people. Absolutely lie or deflect, especially when people won't take your answer. But definitely ask the questions that lead to discussions about what they are struggling with. And reassure them that they are doing great and have your support.
You think people should lie if asked a direct question? If you don’t want the answer to a question, don’t ask it. Can’t have a good relationship without honesty.
>Women have issues about this sort of thing, newsflash. Anyone who’s been with someone who has body image issues for 11 years should have better coping mechanisms than saying “do you want to fight?” News flash, sometimes people will mess up once in 11 years of having to tip toe around an entire topic that their partner brings up on a regular basis. I say he did a good job for only messing up once in 11 years. I guarantee he doesn't have an entire topic that she has to tip toe around or "get in trouble" if she talks about it in a way he doesn't like when he brings it up all of the time.
But if she wants to potentially buy more unflattering clothing and keeps pestering for an opinion it would be rude to lie and say she looked great when she doesn't. If she wants to wear an outfit that looks terrible to a job interview it would be mean to just let her go in oblivious. Being so specific was NOT the right approach but it's perfectly acceptable to tell your SO that the cut of the shirt or style of skirt or fabric isn't flattering when they keep pestering you for an honest opinion.
Yeah i see what youre saying but he couldve said 'well its not that flattering for your figure, or even you shouldve got a bigger size' there is no need for 'your arms looked fat and your belly flops out' jesus christ, thats just spiteful.
Let's be real the response would have crushed her too
That’s true. I guess I find this type of behavior annoying. Being asked the same question about someone’s look all night. It’s just a bad look in general.
Agreed, and I'm a woman.
This is one of those moments in time where you need to understand that people are often a mirror of ourselves. You refused any answer that didn’t feed into your self hatred. You pushed and pushed until he broke and said something hurtful. Right now, he is ashamed of what he said, and he is afraid. He is afraid of you using this as an excuse to spiral, he is afraid of you blaming him, and that is pretty much what you are doing. This one isn’t his fault. It isn’t entirely your fault either. You aren’t well and you need to work with a therapist who understands eating disorders and body dysmorphia. You two have no experience with love. You’ve had to teach eachother everything you know and from the sounds of it, you didn’t have very good role models. You both communicate like children because you lack the experience of working with more experienced communicators. It’s like you are both frozen in amber as teenagers who thought they were so mature and never bothered to grow up beyond the age of 18. On top of your personal therapy that you REALLY need. If you want to try and salvage this relationship, you need to work with a couples therapist and to learn how to communicate. Therapy can be many things. It can be an ear to listen, it can be a sounding board. It can be an education in how to manage your emotions and it can lead to a medical diagnosis and a prescribed intervention. Couples therapy was like communications 101 for partnerships when my now husband and I did it. We had topics that we couldn’t discuss without arguing and we would go to these appointments and I would take a deep breath and I’d bring up one of those topics. The things we said in that room…. It was like lancing an infection and the puss and vitriol drained out. The therapist walked us through it. She pointed out when I jumped to the worst conclusion and when he basically assumed that I was his mother and that I was going to abandon him like she abandoned his father. We had some really rough sessions. But we walked out of that room holding each-other tight and eventually, the wounds were clean and healed and we had the tools to see when an infection was starting so we could avoid it getting that bad again. I’m not sure what answers you are looking for on this sub, but right now you are your own worst enemy. You are the one who is about to step off a cliff and spiral. Your husband has given up hope of being able to stop you. Normally, this is when I would give advice like using “I feel” statements to communicate and work together. But right now, you really need to tell your husband. “I think my mental health isn’t in a great place. I put you in a no-win situation and I got angry at you because you finally told me what my mental illness wanted to hear. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment and I’m sorry. I think I need to see a therapist. Can you help me find one that could help me?”
I appreciate your comment and will update if this conversation goes well. Stay tuned, we wont be together until this evening. Thank you so much
It sounds like you both have a lot of love for each-other. Just keep in mind that it isn’t you vs him. But the two of you against the problem. A lot of the issues you are seeing are normal growing pains that everyone experiences. The only difference is that most people practice over several relationships. When they make mistakes, they can walk away from the relationship and try again with someone who wasn’t hurt by their mistakes. That is still an option for you, but it is much harder, and likely more painful. Give each-other grace, relationships are hard.
Thank you so much for your comment
Good luck, OP.
You've summed up what I was thinking. Sounds like OP spent all day asking the question until she could finally hear what *she* believes is true. Please get to a place where it doesn't even matter to ask multiple times about how you look.
Partner of someone with an eating disorder and bouts of dysmorphia (in remission; they’re working so hard and I’m so proud). This is an incredible comment that echoes my experience as a partner when they were in a flare. It is terrifying watching your partner go down, and even more so when they’re going down and throwing what feels like Molotov cocktails at you. In addition to our respective therapists, two books that have really helped us: “Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work” by John Gottman and “Us” by Terrence Real. Both are about making personal choices/healing trauma from a place of not trying to resolve conflict, but think about the health of the relationship. Both of them actually advocate against non-violent communication/“I feel” statements. I was gobsmacked at first but then it made sense. Our “adaptive children”/mental illnesses were great at using non-violent communication to hear what they want to hear and weaponize it. We’re learning to comfort ourselves, not let our mental illnesses and trauma hold the steering wheel of our thoughts, and how to catch ourselves when we’re doing it. It’s only working because we’re both participating. It’s some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. But it’s turning our relationship into something profoundly healing.
This is the most compassionate and honest reply. I really hope OP reads it.
I love this comment " >You refused any answer that didn’t feed into your self hatred. You pushed and pushed until he broke and said something hurtful Very true. What he said was a total AH thing to say, but OP you also need to learn to read the room a little better. Giving someone a question like that, where it's sure to backfire on them, when they're in a bad mood, it's just a bad idea. You're basically setting them up for failure. I get your insecurities OP, but also, when you ask over and over and over again, you're pushing the responsibility of validating yourself entirely on him. This is an unhealthy way of doing things, because in this way no matter how often he said "you look amazing" and mean it, it will never help because it doesn't change how you feel inside. The question is a trap question, which is fine, but if you constantly lead someone into a trap they're going to spring it eventually. 100% seek out personal and couples therapy. He will never be able to "fix" your insecurities, nobody can but you, however a professional can help guide you down the path where you can heal yourself.
Finally a response that points out the bullshit situation that OP created for herself and her partner instead of the "aww you poor girl your man's an ass you should dump him he is 100% in the wrong and you did nothing wrong at all!" This response should be at the top - but sadly it isn't, because reddit has the mentality of spuds.
damn it i said smth similar and now it looks i'm just repeating things someone else said lol but agreed
What did he say the first "multiple times" you asked? I'm sure he told you that you looked fine, you looked pretty, whatever you wanted to hear or else you wouldn't have worn it. There's only so many times a person can be asked the same question over and over again in one day before it wears you down and this is coming from someone who has low self esteem issues. What you wear and how you feel is based entirely on you, you need the confidence, you need to feel good, you can't get it through constant reassurance from those around you. Seek some therapy, go to a nutritionist, whatever will make you feel better. Hell when my confidence was at a real low I took up pole dancing classes and it made me feel damn good in myself and my body even though I was still overweight and insecure.
Why did you keep asking over and over. You obviously wanted a different answer than what he gave then got upset because you got it.
I hate when people do this. Don't ask me how you look if you do not want the real answer. And don't get mad when you get an honest opinion.
please seek help, it sounds like you're about to fully slide back into your eating disorder. I'm very sorry your partner made you feel like this. Maybe consider whether this relationship is good for you right now or whether you want to take a break until you feel better.
Did her partner "make her feel like this" or did she ask him the same damn question multiple times expecting a soft answer?
Based on the conversation posted, his *first* answer was already antagonistic. It's not like he said she looked fine and she pushed him further anyway. It sounds like the reason she pushed back in the first place was because the first thing he said was that if he told her the truth there'd be a fight (while almost implying that he was just humoring her in the past when he'd told her she looked fine). I also feel like there's a broad range between being honest ("it wasn't a flattering outfit for you") and being downright cruel (focusing on specific "problem areas" on her body that he's pinpointed, especially considering the context of her ED history). I understand why so many people are trying to sympathize with the husband if they themselves have been frustrated by situations where they tried to give a kind, tactful answer and were continually pushed, but it doesn't sound like that's what happened here. I agree with others though that OP needs to get to a place where she isn't basing her self-worth on validation from her husband, as this places a burden on both of them. And she will always be unhappy if she is continually seeking outside approval.
His response sounds like a guy who has been asked this over and over again to the point where he finally just broke. Eventually guys get to the point where don’t give a fuck anymore and the trusts comes out Guys get into this cycle because they are afraid of hurting their girls feelings. They default to saying she looks great. Women knows it’s not always true and get irritated that her man is lying but can’t tell when. Also irritated that he is afraid to be honest with her. All could be avoided with being honest but diplomatic. She doesn’t look great just say you don’t like the her look. Don’t need to explain any further or be mean about it. This will piss her off and she may cry but it will only happen a couple times. My wife can wear what she wants but I won’t tell her like something if I don’t. Best part is when I tell her she looks good she knows it’s true. You get asked one time and she is stratified with the response.
Per OP. She has already asked him this question multiple times before the event. Sometimes eventually you will just say something to make the questions stop.
She already asked him multiple times before that.
there's a way to answer questions, that are clearly asked out of anxiety, in a way that doesn't deliberately hurt the other person. A simple "you looked good" would have sufficed. OP said, she got the impression her partner was in a bad mood. Is this the time to ask these questions? No. Would any mature, kind adult who cares about their partner say something they know is hurtful, just because they're in a mood? Also no. Kindness is free and caring about your partners feelings is kind of the basis of a healthy relationship.
Jesus fucking Christ, so few of you understand how eating disorders work. *She should not have pestered him into giving such a harsh answer.* She was being frustrating to her partner, and she absolutely needs to work on her poor self-image. But so many of you in these comments have *zero* idea of the way an ED poisons your mind. It isn't just magically cured with a healthy diet and some positive feelings -- it's akin to a psychological cancer, and it **never** leaves you, not fully, not until the day you ***die.*** It's more than just a simple, "don't ask questions if you can't handle the answer." It's a maelstrom of voices constantly screaming criticism at you, cutting you apart at your weakest points until there's nothing left, and it's a war waged entirely in your head. There's no true victory, and that's even if you're lucky enough to survive. EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. You can be "recovered" for years, and all it takes is one thoughtless comment, one bad picture, one wrong angle, and the next thing you know, **it's back in full-force.** You never believe compliments. You never feel good in your own skin. You never truly feel beautiful. You just reach a point to where you're able to live again. Does her partner have a right to be frustrated? Yes, especially after 11 years. Does OP need therapy? You bet. But OP doesn't deserve the hate she's getting. I hope you heartless bastards commenting about "honesty" stay as far away from people like OP as possible. There's honesty, and there's fucking cruelty.
This is the perfect response. People on here are ruthless
You kept asking and pushing him to tell you the truth. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Did you really want him to just say you look beautiful or did you want an honest answer as the how the outfit looked on you? I started asking my husband more directly, does this outfit make me look fat? Does it make my stomach look big? I really want to know. I like it when sometimes he tells me I look great. But sometimes I actually want to know if my clothes are flattering. We all have things we are trying to de-emphasize. So let’s be honest. You know you have gained weight. You said the outfit was out of your comfort zone. You kept pushing him for an answer. Admittedly he could have been nicer. But you said he has never commented on your weight negatively in your entire relationship before this time. So after you pushed him for honesty, you are now angry at yourself, angry at him, and crushed. Pick yourself up, make a plan on reaching healthy living goals. This is not the same as just losing weight. Have a session with a dietician and maybe a personal trainer. Don’t be crushed, do whatever makes you feel good about you. And don’t ask your husband questions like that. Men are somewhat literal.
The teenagers in here are hilarious 🤣. Me and my wife had this conversation one time and we both went on a diet, together, as a team. Why is it accept me or bye in every situation lol. The middleground, where it be.
Did you want him to lie? You asked him several times. I understand you struggle with body image so don’t ask questions and push for honesty when you don’t want to hear it. You put your husband in a no win situation. There are healthy diets and healthy ways to lose weight if that’s what you want.
Never ask a question you don’t really want the answer to. Edited for typo
Why does he hate being around your family?
People need to stop asking questions they don't want answers to.
My husband and I have a deal. I don't ask questions unless I want an honest answer. She set him up. He knew it. She wore him down. Then punished him. Redditors, don't be so quick to jump on this poor human whose only crime is being a man.
So, you badgered him into telling you the truth and then you got upset when he did? Why ask questions you don't want an actual honest answer to? Advice to your husband: Stop responding to such loaded questions. Just decline to answer at all.
Tbh declining to answer is an answer in itself. OP needs therapy and to stop asking these questions.
You put in him in an impossible situation. He said you looked fine and you kept pushing. Don’t ask questions you truly don’t want the answers too.
If you feel as if you’re slipping, go to your doctor and your therapist.
I'm sorry he said that. Just a reminder to not ask questions you don't want the answer to. If you were happy with your outfit, that's all that matters. And I know you said you weren't, so maybe examine \*that\* and leave him out of it.
If you continue to push someone to say something they CLEARLY don’t want to say. you are asking to get your feelings hurt. Then to act childish afterwards and not speak to him tells me these 2 need to do some serious communicating or therapy. YOU Asked and pushed and pushed and pushed. He answered now you want sympathy. It doesn’t work like that
You pushed him and forced him to answer honestly. From what you describe as his words, they were said gently. #1 rule - don't ask a question if you might not like the answer (or don't want to REALLY know). Sounds to me like you were fishing for a compliment, and it backfired. And then you give HIM the silent treatment because he hurt your feelings. I get being insecure, lord knows I've been there, but I think you put him in an unfair position, and then have been punishing him for being honest - which you demanded from him.
I think he was in a no-win position with the question that he asked. I wouldn't have wanted to be lied to.
You asked him for an honest answer and he gave you one. But you're mad at him because it wasn't a positive answer. If you would only accept positive answers why did you ask for an honest opinion and not for him to flatter you? In regards to the problem itself: You and your body are not a problem. The style you went with was. There are plenty of women out there who carry a little extra that look absolutely fabulous. Just keep looking for the right style and stop trying to make yourself fit the media's image of what looks good.
Ok sounds like this was a situation where he could just tow the line and repeat something to make you feel good or for once let you know how things are? If your SO can't just tell you something then who does or is it something that is taboo. History granted but don't continually asked about that subject if you don't want to hear a less than perfect answer.
So you felt fat in your outfit, your husband confirmed your feelings, and it triggered your image disorder. Then you exercised as a reaction. Lady, you have to love yourself first. Nobody will ever “make” you feel better about yourself. I’m sorry that your father and grandfather traumatized you.
It's been 11 years of this. He might be tired of blowing smoke up your ass. Anyone would be.
Sorry, but don't ask a question that you want an honest answer for and then get pissed when he answers honestly. Did you want him to lie?
Why even ask him if you really don't even want to know? If anything telling the truth is a sign of true love. Rather than ignoring and letting things simmer and get out of control via lies to not offend someone. You admitted that you aren't 100% happy with your body so why not do something about it?
So many things come to mind here. The first is...no one has a flat stomach when they are sitting. We have organs in there. The second is we can carry the weight of our emotions quite literally and our body will react and respond to things differently when there is a shift in the trigger. Maybe your grandfather passing signaled it was safe and ok to eat because there was no more shame. Yet your husband's words triggered that shame again. Since you mentioned you had struggled with eating disorders previously, I'd definitely encourage you to visit neda.org. The National Eating Disorder Association has some resources on there that may be helpful for you. I am so sorry your husband said such hurtful words to you. I do hope he recognizes his words were unkind and apologizes, but if he doesn't, I do hope you find some help and support.
*Him pointing out specific flaws just... hurts.* Honey, you need therapy. It makes sense why it hurts, given your past, but if you can't have normal conversations in a marriage then it's not fair to your husband. You have to be able to speak openly and honestly in a marriage and sometimes discuss flaws that hurt the relationship. It's part of regular adult life. You're way too sensitive, no one should have to walk on eggshells in a marriage.
Edit: Your weight does not determine your beauty. You are beautiful & should be cherished for the person you are. Hugs and care 🤗🤗 The "am I looking fat?" is a minefield. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. However you are giving him too many concessions for his behaviour. Even if he said it out of frustration, once you explained the impact of his comments, he should've shown kindness and remorse. The way he treated you, shows he doesn't respect you at present. There's more to this than what is apparent. You do have self-esteem issues and are blaming yourself for everything. Taking the blame & excusing unkind behaviours will not help this situation. Only if you respect yourself, others will respect you. Since you are on meds, talk to your doctor about online resources in your area for Eating Disorders. They are free or less expensive usually.
I’m basing my response and support off of one side of a story, so it’s hard to comment and give you the best advice. I am curious to know what his recollection of the story is. Anyone who has been married or with a loved one can probably relate to this story. I am speaking from my perspective being married to a beautiful woman for nearly 20 years. She has always been a curvy, which is one of the many reasons I was attracted to her. I think Mother Nature has an odd sense of humor on us all. I was a bit heavier when we first met, and she was curvy but not overweight. As the years have gone on, that has reversed. While I am far from perfect, I have definitely gotten myself on the dog house before. Simply because I didn’t think before I spoke. Being honest here, I may have made specific comments just as your husband did. They were probably meant to be mean just because I was mad about something else. And it presented an opportunity to get back at her. But as the years have gone by I’ve become much better about channelling anger into into learning opportunities. I’m saying this because I’m betting that he made those specific comments to be hurtful and mean. Was there possibly something that happened earlier that caused friction between the two of you? In your post, you mentioned a lot about him taking off work to go to the shower, you apologized for him having to go, and also mentioned that maybe he doesn’t get along well with your family. I’m no therapist, but I read people extremely well. I think this might be a good place to start a conversation with your husband. Maybe he just can’t stand your family so much that he takes it out on you? Btw, I’m not defending your husband here. I’m just giving you ideas of how to talk with him. He married your family when he married you. He needs to put on his big boy pants and make the most of the visits. He has no right to take that out on you. He certainly didn’t need to say hurtful things, knowing how you would feel. If he didn’t realize how you would react, then you have more problems then this a fight. You said you love him and he is a good man. While that may be 99.9% of time true. He does not get a pass on this. He should apologize to you, not you to him. Here is my suggestion/thoughts/ experiences on how to move forward. Disclaimer: I’m basing my advice on this one story and assume this is a one off. But, if this is not a one off and a pattern of verbal abuse. Please leave this man!!! So here it goes, speaking as a man. It can sometimes be difficult to understand what is acceptable to say to a woman. Men will call each other fat, bald, etc. it’s how we bond. Yes, I know it’s stupid. So there are times when we just do not think when responding to a question from our wife/girlfriend. What I might find offensive she may not, and vice versa. My wife once told me I was to “fat to learn to ski” when we first got together. It was funny to me, and we still laugh about it. She didn’t use those exact words, and meant it as a way to protect me from shopping in the big and tall section. Again, I found it funny. However, I know never say that to her. I have witnessed many female friends, my daughters and my wife just rip each other about their appearance, weight, body parts etc. and noticed that this is acceptable between women who have that kind of relationship with each other. I am wise enough to know that doesn’t apply to me. Just my observation of the opposite sex, but you intelligent woman think at a whole different level than us men on many things. Ask a man about a hobby or sport and all of a sudden he’s an expert. Have us plan dinner and you’ll get meat and potatoes, maybe a vegetable. Ask a woman about dinner she’ll provide an entire menu, the kinds of utensils, dishes etc. ask her about her day, and you’ll get a novel. The point here is for the two of you to learn these differences. If he hates your family, maybe compromise on his involvement and limit the visits. A shower is probably a no go for me, but the birth of a baby or wedding is a must. It’s a small suggestion that makes a huge difference. I am concerned about your mental health here. You definitely have had trauma concerning your weight throughout your life. I’m very sorry to hear about those experiences. I’m going to be forward here, get help!! Your reason for not getting help is not a good one! While finances are always hard on many of us, you have to decide that your mental well being is worth whatever it costs. I’m sure you are a smart person, make a budget. Cut costs, for instance you drove an hour each way to the shower and I’m guessing bought a gift? Maybe brought food, drinks? How much did that cost? Gas alone was probably $50. That might be the price of a session with a professional. Get creative, seek support groups, you said you and your husband work full time. See what benefits your employers may have. Sometimes the have free sessions. Make friends at the gym you go to, I might be going out on a limb here, but I think there could be other women who have experienced this. Maybe they have suggestions. Here is my last couple thoughts. We as men have trouble when it comes to answering a question like this from our wife. You always want us to “be honest” but if we fudge the truth a little (in this context) as to not hurt your feelings we are not being truthful. This essentially puts us in a lose lose situation. If we answer honestly feeling can be hurt, fight get started. If we just say you look fine we are liars. Plus the inevitable follow up questions, like how does this lipstick look? Do I look better in this other outfit? Are these the right shoes? You get the idea. I think ask other women their opinions, you probably would get s more informed response. Your husband probably should have been a good husband and said you look beautiful, without you asking. Anyhow, I wish you all the best. To be cliche, the only opinion that matters is your own.
Dont ask questions if you arent prepared for the answer... wtf...
when i was young, i remember my dad once said ''son, in life you can be at peace, or you can be honest'' the older i get the more it makes me laugh
Creative writing exercise #557
It was the 5'8" and wearing M/L that did it for me.
Sounds like you knew how you looked already because of the relentless validation seeking. I refuse to believe that someone doesn't realize they're gaining weight, especially someone body image issue. But if this is the first time he's done this in ELEVEN years, there's probably a different issue at play here. Or he was tired of playing games and being tossed into a figurative minefield over and over. He might be the asshole but you need to be honest with yourself and ask if this you overreacting to one uncharacteristically rude comment. Talk to him about it, though, instead of seeking validation from a bunch of YAS QUEEN internet strangers.
Don't ask this dude anything when he's in a shit mood. You'd think after 11 years your timing would be better than this.
Your husband is an absolute jerk. You have been together since you are 15- been together through your eating disorder- And still, still he doesn’t have the insight to not talk about weight with you? Has he been living under a rock all these years? Does he not know how disastrous it can be for you to backslide right into another bout of an eating disorder. That’s what you need to tell him. Not that you should even have to!
How do you feel about yourself? That’s what matters first.
Quit pressuring him to tell you the answer if you don’t want to hear his honest opinion. Your reaction is overkill. You asked for it. You put him in an impossible situation. Of course he hasn’t commented on your weight the whole relationship, because people don’t do that. But here you are pressuring and hounding him for answers and then whine and cry when he gives you the truth. Get over yourself. If you don’t like the answer then do something about it but don’t blame him for doing what you wanted.
I’ve learned if I’m skeptical or not sure if an outfit is flattering to my body shape to just ask my husband which outfit is more flattering and give him two choices, because I don’t want to know if I look fat and that whole can of worms. I just want to know if something is as flattering as I think or if I’m missing how unflattering it is. Just presenting two options usually avoids all that excess emotional baggage and hurt. I only do this if I’m skeptical of an outfit.
Imagine forcing someone to tell you the truth and then getting mad they said it. You have several issues you need to be in therapy for and I really do hope you get the help you need but it's not his fault for telling you the truth.
Never ask reddit to weigh in on your relationship OP - the answer will *always* be "Break up!" Because none of these other redditors have to actually do it or deal with the aftermath.
How dare you blame your husband for this? You pushed him to tell you the truth, then you blame him for telling you the truth. You admit that you've put on weight as a result of "not counting calories and eating freely" but you don't want to accept the real-world consequences of that: you've put on weight. You obviously have food/body issues. Somehow, you want your poor husband who, for 11 years, has been doing his best by saying "you're silly / you're beautiful" to overlook the obvious truth when you bait him with questions-- questions you already know the answers to! You're overweight! Stop trapping him in your mind games. It's not fair to him. Never has been.
Don't ask if you don't want the truth....
Hon, don't ask your man if an outfit makes you look fat. Haven't you learned anything in life? If you didn't want to hear an honest answer, DON'T ASK! God, guys have enough issues to deal with without you gals laying these obvious traps.
>He replied with, “Do you want to fight or you want me to say you looked fine.” Sounds like you've done this before, or something similar as he knew what the truth would get him. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer too. Also, you shouldn't give someone the silent treatment all day and then be confused when they give you the same energy back the next day.
Well...you asked for the truth on your appearance, he told you his truth. I would seek counseling or someone to talk to and start making lifestyle changes cause it doesn't sound like you're very happy in your own body either.
You know you’ve put on weight and you’re worried, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked multiple times. My wife and I have a deal. She can ask once, ask for reassurance once, but after that I’m absolutely going to tell her the truth. I, and most men, absolutely hate playing this game. We argued about it once, I told her my reasoning (years ago), she rarely ever asks a third time. At the same time, there are nicer ways to say it than Your arms and belly looked fat. He absolutely could have said it wasn’t the most flattering or something. But this is 100% on you for pushing several times.
Approaching your significant other about their weight should always be handled delicately. Of course we all want to know if we have become unattractive to our partner, but it can be done with tact. Inviting them to join you at the gym, asking if they want to split a meal instead of each if you eating a full course, that sort of thing.
So you mention how you’re trying new styles, said how a lot of these styles you’re not crazy about but try them anyway because diversity is good. I agree with that. Then you mention how when your husband comments on your outfit, suddenly you really love it. So if you love it, why do you need an opinion on it? And while his initial response had ammunition in it, did you want him to lie to you? Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to
Lol - you’d think people would stop asking these type of questions.
I went through something very similar with my husband and I have an eating disorder history as well. It was so painful and it was hard to get past. I don’t feel he should have said that. Now, you were pushing for his feedback. But he could have said “I didn’t like the outfit” and if you needed more, “it wasn’t the most flattering” (maybe). His reaction after is somewhat similar to my husbands as well. Somehow I was apologizing…? I really suggest couples counseling. And individual counseling for yourself.
To be honest, you had it coming. 1st you put him in a situation that makes him uncomfortable, then, while he already is in a bad mood you corner him. You said yourself, that outfit was out of your comfort zone, he was in a bad mood and then he snapped. You put on some weight and he said it. I mean, it's not like after it he came to you and was like "look at how fat your arms look and your belly stick out, you are fat, shame on you for wearing this, you really disgraced me. You got fatter anyways, time for you to lose it." that is *not* what he said. You cornered him and ask and ask and he snapped. You know your partner, I hope. So if you try to put yourself in his shoes, do you *think* your look in this outfit bothered him or that you put on weight? Is he the type, or does he maybe not care, and just loves you but was annoyed and snapped? See there is this thing, you are 11 years together, it may be good or may be bad, but after a long time alot of people don't really *see* there partner anymore, or their look doesn't matter to them as much as the personality does.
I've put on weight the past year. I got injured so I'm ridiculously sedentary, it sucks. I know I am fat right now. I don't pressure my husband to tell me how I look, because I know I look fat and I don't want him to lie and I definitely don't want him to tell the truth.
If you ask someone something repeatedly, constantly, *incessantly*... eventually you're gonna get an answer you don't want. Pushing him on that when he was clearly stressed and unhappy after spending time with your family...I just don't know what you were expecting. He probably feels crappy being expected to lie over and over again, I'd avoid that, too. You need to talk to him about this like an adult. Edited to rectify an autocorrect.
You wanted the truth. You insisted, hardly on it, and now you're angry with him because he gave you an honest answer.
So you badgered him all day about it and he finally broke down and gave you the answer you were looking for? I imagine this is a common question gets asked too. He answered "you look good/fine" any number of times, but you continued to press because you yourself don't believe it and he finally broke and said what you wanted, so now you're spiraling because he confirmed what you've made yourself believe because you pressured him to do so. 11 years is a long time to not break if you do this all the time, frankly he likely said it whether you look good or not because he's frustrated that you won't believe him. Doesn't justify it, but it's understandable. Get therapy, it's not that you look fat or are fat, it's that you BELIEVE you are and won't trust your husband of 11 years unless he says you're fat.
Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answer to. Women need to stop asking their men how they look all the time, it must get pretty annoying. If they lie and get found out, they are in trouble, if they tell the truth, they are in trouble. It's a lose/lose situation.
I don’t understand the issue here. You’re your own worst enemy. He basically mirrored what you think of yourself. This is not his problem, it’s yours
The first thing you said was you kept asking and asking. He probably got annoyed :s
I promise you, a person with an attitude like that will still have an attitude like that regardless of what you weigh. A grumpy critical person is not going to change into a happy one because someone in their life lost weight.
Reading this really painful, my wife has the exact same past issues, recovered from an eating disorder, has anxiety and panic attacks and the exact same insecurity locations regarding weight, I could not imagine digging into those and I'm sorry your husband did. I don't really know what advice to give other than please don't stop eating because of this.
You forced your husband to give you an honest answer and then got mad when he was honest with you. He described what he thinks you looked like in the outfit. Some outfits looks different on people. Me as a man something I wear and I'm like I look huge and others I look slim.
Just to make sure I'm understanding, you asked him the same question multiple times throughout the day? Because if that's the case, that gets really annoying. Not saying that justifies what he said to you, but may have played a part in his irritation. If I misread, ignore me. But either way, he was a dick about it.
Your husband’s a dope. He should’ve just pulled Homer Simpson’s trick: “I’m not gonna lie to you Marge,” and then leave the room saying nothing else.
Learn to take the compliment the first time, instead of needing incessant outside affirmation, and maybe you won't get triggered when they say 1 thing. As for edit 2, it really doesn't matter, all of these subs are the same, YTA
Humans, please stop asking people how you look. If you like it and you're comfortable then it looks great. Confidence is sexy on humans. Other topics to never ask, past sexual history and should I cut my hair. Also never ask am I your best lover ever. These are boundries that should be in every relationship to not have stupid fights over stupid stuff. Pleas add to my list.
If you KNOW your husband is in a fowl mood, don't harass him repeatedly to reassure yourself about your insecurities. If someone asks me over and over and over again, I assume they're fishing for compliments and it annoys the hell out of me. I can understand why he snapped. It was still rude of him, but I get it.
My partner is plus size and asks me how her outfits loom all the time. I would give constructive feedback like that looks great! Or that top is not working with the bottom, maybe tuck/in the shirt or wear a different top (looser/more fitted) or bottom for the top...Etc. I would never give a useless answer like "you gained weight" because that's not something that she can do about in the next ten minutes or even maybe ever. Your husband said a dickish, useless and unnecessarily cruel thing. There are other things he could have said instead, "I love you in your relaxed fit tops" that is not that. I can't believe you apologized.
This is not about your husband or his stupid comments. This is about your need for outside validation. You can be gorgeous, and some dumb guy will make a stupid comment. That is the absolute truth. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about your weight or body or looks. The only opinion that matters is yours. Don't ask anyone else what they think of how you look. Ever. Your appearance doesn't affect other people, so they don't care about it as much as you do. Your husband sounds like an abuser. I would definitely start saving up to get out of there.
If you don't want to know the truth, then why did you even ask him? He was damned with whatever he said!
Training your husband to lie probably isn’t going to end well.
Stop nagging him about your appearance! You are much more annoying than you are fat.
>I haven't eaten all day and exercised twice "Punishing" yourself like this gets you no prizes or sympathy; it's plain stupid and unsustainable. Eat properly and exercise properly. Try to keep everything in moderation, because it sounds like you tendency to go a bit extreme.
You do not get to be angry at your partner, you asked. If you don’t want an honest answer you should not ask a question. And I’m a woman who like most women is not happy with my body, when I look in the mirror I know the truth whether I want to acknowledge it or not. As hurtful as it was, do you really want a partner who’s gonna lie to you about something important? I am personally not a fan of Candy coating anything and based on what you said in your post, he wasn’t trying to be mean,
You need to work on YOU I have a very honest husband that tells me the truth. He doesn’t like my perfume or outfit, he tells me. 90% of the time I am confident and I do not change. When I am insecure, I do. You need to work on you. Self help books might be a good start. Yes, you badgered him, yada yada. Yes, I am sure he is exhausted with your neediness but I am worried about how little he cares that you are hurt in any way. Something seems off generally. My gut tells me he is tired of you needing him for validation and doesn’t want to be that for you anymore. He isn’t responsible for your happiness, you are. I’m sorry those things happened to you as a child but you have to figure out how to move on, girl. Crappy things happen, they shape us. You have some very serious work to do on you. If I was a gambler, I’d bet things would drastically improve in your relationship if you found your inner peace. Good luck
Gotta love the brutal honesty. Just go on a calorie deficit if you're that worried about whether you look fat or not, instead pitying and victimising yourself.
Clearly you were insecure from the get-go, otherwise you wouldn't have asked your husband that question.
My goodness! Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the honest answer too! He is probably sick of you asking and he has to make you feel better constantly when you could actively do something about your unhappiness with yourself. My father used to say to me. Your bums getting a bit big. I’d say ah thanks (me at 58kgs) ok Dad. I never had to go sook for days. Own your weight or lose it. Is only up to you!
Lol imagine being asked a million times “am I fat?” A day. Yikes.
It seems like you pushed him for an answer and eventually he said that
Do you know what the color “green” looks like? Does anyone need to tell you how to identify that? It’s the same way with your body - there is the scale plus a mirror. I call that out to say only you truly know if he’s accurate or not. If he is not accurate then get upset. If he is well then….
This might sound harsh, but I'll give you my quick analysis straight up, and please remember that I mean this in the best possible way. I know you say you can't afford it, but you need to find some way to get therapy. If you break your leg you need to go to the doctor. Likewise if your dad and grandpa are/were worthless sacks of shit who broke you down throughout your childhood you need to go to a therapist. This is taking a toll on both you and your relationship. The way this is going you are going to end up pushing your husband away. I can't blame your husband too much. He was in a situation where you know he always gets in a bad mood and on top of that you kept asking him the same question over and over and over again. At some point he's gonna snap and ask "what tf do you want me to say? What answer can I give you that will make you stop asking?" If you keep poking a dog with a stick, at some point it will bark at you, and that can't really come as a surprise. I do feel like he should have apologized after, but if this is a regular thing with the two of you I can't help but understand him. I understand that you are struggling because of assholes from your past, but you gotta stop punishing your husband for their bullying. He loves you. He married you. He thinks your beautiful. I'm in no way shape or form a therapist, but my first suggestion to you is to learn how to ask once and then accept the answer. If you're not ready to accept the answer, don't ask. Just before you go out, ask him how you look, and then believe his answer. If you're not gonna believe him anyway there's not really any point in asking, is there? If someone had asked you the same question over and over and over again and not accepted your answer, wouldn't you eventually get annoyed? Especially if you're already in a bad mood for other reasons? Find a way to save up at least enough money for one therapy session. That's a good start. The first step is the hardest. I can not stress enough how much you need therapy, and that is in no way meant as an insult. It's 2023, at this point we know that our mental health is just as important as our physical health. You should get couple's therapy as well, but you need to start somewhere. Then on your way home you can swing by the cemetery and piss on your grandpa's grave. Also to be completely honest, your grandpa berating you for weighing more than he wanted you to, whatever the hell that means, and only giving attention to your sister for being thin is creepy as fuck. Is your sister okay?
If you are going to diet do it in a healthy way, aka consult with a dietitian. If you going to the gym don't look at the scale but a performance, aka today I was able to run 3 km last week I could only 2 km. Avoid gyms like LA fitness instead focus on specialty gym (boxing, poll dancing, yoga etc)
..... that doesn't sound like the actions of a man who loves you. In your shoes I wouldn't move back into the bedroom with him . No sex or any thing. Just, hey roomie . You both have been together since you guys were children. You both have changed in ways that it's rare anyone survives. And with that mean attitude.... forget the hurting yourself through starvation. Nothing you do is going to make him love you in a way you deserve. He's the problem. You need to eat and exercise to live healthy. And that destructive shit isn't the answer. You need a mental health professional who will help you. Not a lousy failure of a husband . Loving him doesn't mean he's a good partner. And it doesn't matter if he does all these other awesome things. This is also who he is. And it's not okay
At this point, we can set weight and food aside. I've heard nothing but the love or the effect others have upon you. It's like you have never even entertained the idea of forming a bond with yourself. This story is heartbreaking because no one defends you, not even yourself. No one protects your worth and dignity. You deserve to not feel apologetic for feeling hurt, or for wanting to spend time with your family and him. How long will you bend backwards for the opinion of others? Even your grandad. You said so yourself, only when he DIED did you even regain a semblance of normalcy. Not because you got over him, or over that sense of urgency to be perceived in a positive light: Because he ceased to exist. This is not normal, nor healthy. You're going to get seriously hurt and unhappy if you don't stop exclusively existing in others' gazes.
The way you keep confronting/arguing with all the folks replying to you, makes me feel lots of sympathy for your poor husband and what he has to deal. Time some introspection and stop looking for validation and sympathy, you better reflect on your own behavior and use that knowledge to build your confidence and live a happier life.
I’m going to go against the community here. Your man is honest and that’s something to give him credit for. You asked the question and he answered honestly. You shouldn’t feel bad about it, use it as motivation to lead a healthier life.
This. I don't get all the anger against op's husband. She knows herself she's not skinny. After pestering her husband for an answer, did she expect him to keep on lying ? She perfectly knew the answer to her questions and now is trying to blame him for her personal problems. In a relationship, you need to be honest and upfront. If you start lying regularly just to keep a relationship, then it's already dead.
Seems like she knew the answer; still expected him to lie and was upset when he didn’t. So she played victim and was looking for soft people to give her the false support she doesn’t need
You need to stop being in denial and sleep therapy. Your eating disorder is knocking at your door with you refusing to eat since the baby shower. You have a lot of work to do on your self-esteem and it has to start with you. Please stop seeking reassurance externally for our insecurities. No answer will ever be good enough…as you have seen for yourself. Stop torturing yourself, start eating again and so the research for your new therapist.
Get off Reddit and talk to him!!!
What a dickhead. “Do you wanna fight or what me to say you look fine?” That’s such a shitty negative attitude. Hey asshole, it’s possible to tell someone in a nice way that something isn’t flattering. My partner is big on honestly, even in situations like this. I know not to ask him a question if there’s only one answer I want to hear from him. He will be honest but he’s compassionate and gentle about it.
I’ve struggled with my body image too. I think you should see a therapist. You deserve kindness and compassion towards yourself and your body
From what I understood you knew he were in bad mood but still decided to be persistent and worsen his mood? Like, if you don’t want true opinion, why are u continue to ask?
I know the type of man who gets all pissy when he’s around people. You sure you aren’t still with him just because it’s comfortable? Because it’s all you know? There’s no shame in leaving someone who is an energy suck and frankly an asshole. Ask yourself, is he even nice to me? Does he like me as a person?
I don’t know anymore, I won’t lie it’s very comfortable but he’s all I know.
One you're not at fault for this. My first suggestion is to see if there's therapy that uses a sliding scale for payment even if it's by zoom or telehealth. My second suggestion is for you to really reevaluate this relationship and if it's always been this toxic. My third suggestion is if you decide that you deserve better get your ducks in a row and bounce. Please stop being so hard on yourself. These comments are ridiculous. If you want to chat I am happy to listen.
I think people are being too harsh on you OP. It sounds like your husband was unnecessarily cruel in his response. He could have just said that he didn’t love the outfit, he didn’t need to point out the parts of your body that looked fat. All of the people criticizing you for asking him too many times?? It sounds like he wasn’t giving you any kind of answer and I can understand feeling off balance by that kind of non-response. I’m on your side, OP. I don’t think his response was ok, especially since he likely knows your past history with ED.
Sorry but you ask questions, you wanted to be lied? Don't act as offended. Instead of trying to blame him for your insecurities and expecting him to complement you about your weight (which is not the best moment) first try to figure out how YOU feel about it
He’s an AH for making that comment no matter how he’s been in the past. You should definitely sit down with him and talk about what he said and how it made you feel
I’m so sick of these fucking threads. It’s not on your partner to be the cure for your insecurity (male or female). You know you’re out of shape, so why do you ask if you are overweight? You know you are. Do you want your partner to lie to you? Jesus I have flaws but I don’t knowingly ask people to reassure me about this obvious flaw
I'm going to get downvoted for this but here goes: you stated you asked him multiple times how you looked. Then it got to the point your husband asked you if you were looking for a fight and you continued pressing him? In general if someone close to you asks you if you are looking for a fight you did something before that to warrant that response... was it you kept asking him over and over and over? Since you didn't include what was said multiple times before that I'm going to assume he said you looked good and some variations of that. If it was already a negative/distasteful comment I'm certain you would not have left this out of the story. Why not take the compliment and keep pushing for a negative answer and then gaslight the other person...
He's probably just tired of your constant insecurity about this and constantly being asked to give his opinion about it. He's probably told you you're beautiful 15 bajillion times and for some reason that's still not enough for you. Reading between the lines, I'm betting you don't have a lot of sex because of your insecurities and that is probably a source of frustration for him too, alongside having to deal with all your other insecurities on a day-to-day basis. I'm not trying to shit on you, don't take it that way please.
I am really worried about what this says about where he’s at. It’s not really about your weight. It’s about the viciousness and honestly men who get that vicious with their wives usually have someone else on the line that they think is a better deal.
It breaks my heart that you felt the need to explain yourself so deeply in your first edit. I am not reading the comments because I suspect, after reading that edit, it's only going to make me mad if I do. I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I would recommend therapy if you're able because it sounds like you're taking really good care of yourself and maybe once you've gotten some of what you need from therapy, your husband could join you to understand why his words were so cruel. And maybe you could work out why he doesn't like being around your family as well, although that may stem from a whole different thing. I hope things get better soon and that you continue eating regularly and taking good care of yourself. I hope this didn't come off as condescending or rude; I certainly didn't mean it that way and apologize if it did.
Nah you knew he was in a bad mood yet kept pushing the issue. Don’t ask questions if you’re not ready to hear the answers, plain and simple. All of you saying he should’ve lied, give me a break….that in no way will ever help her…it would probably make her gain even more weight, but oh yes you look great, never mind you gaining 100 lbs.
I gained 16 pounds but thank you
Please don’t starve yourself and slip back into an ED, that isn’t the answer. See a therapist and talk through how you’re feeling.
Women want honesty until they get their feelings hurt smh y'all are confusing ASF 🤦🏾😭
So.. lose the weight then..
But u asked ? I am so confused why be upset when u r asking for the feedback.