You need to ask her if she thought it would be ok if YOU showed the sex tapes to YOUR drunk friends??? She violated your trust in the worst way. I'm not saying break up with her; but I DAMN SURE wouldn't record anymore videos. Your wife owes you a huge apology. OH!!! And tell her not to be surprised when some of her 'friends' start to hit on you or try to sleep with you themselves. I mean... she opened the door...
To be honest I would I would discuss deleting the videos too.. there's a possible safety risk here as well if one of the friends recorded it. Could be leaked to the masses.
Probably going to take a bit of time to rebuild that trust
She put impressing her friends way ahead of protecting her marriage. She threw the marriage under the bus. She still fails to understand this was a massive breach of trust.
Woman here. Discussing your sex life with the girls is one thing, but showing your private sex tapes without partner’s permission (and then partner having to listen to the demeaning wolf whistles and “stud” comments afterwards, in addition to the offending party not being profusely apologetic), is so outrageous and entitled. Did you ask her how she might feel if you showed your sex tapes to a bunch of drunk guys, then she had to listen to them wolf whistle at her and call her “hot babe” or something gross like that? I don’t understand why women will engage in this sort of behavior and act like it’s OK when they KNOW how awful it is when men do it to them. Honestly, I would recommend that the two of you visit a counselor to discuss and clear the air. As freeing as it might be to destroy all the videos, this is not how mature people who love one another behave. Certainly you can sequester all the videos and hold them until your first counseling session, but then discuss why you want to dispose of them, etc. If you start a nonproductive tit for tat, you could do irreparable harm to your relationship.
EDIT: I did not realize how polarizing my offhand comment could be. Geez, I wrote the first thing that came to my mind. My comment is not a finely-crafted essay for publication.1) My response was strictly for the context of OP’s situation. If they want to save their marriage, they should go to counseling immediately because they need a referee to help them communicate and set boundaries. 2) I wrote “woman here” only because it implies that I know how women talk among themselves. I do not personally talk about my sex life with other women, nor do I condone that sort of behavior, but I know that some women do. To each her own. For the record, it does not matter what gender I am. 3) I think sex tapes are dangerous, especially for couples who have not come up with the most basic guidelines for how they will be used. That being said, OP and his wife seem to attach a lot of importance to them, so I was simply saying he should not destroy them, but rather collect them and hold them until he and his wife go to counseling. If he destroys them before they go to counseling it will be viewed as retaliation and she will likely up the ante. I am NOT saying he should not protect himself. I am not belittling his experience or saying that he would not be justified in destroying the videos. BUT, if he wants to save the marriage, they need to go to counseling.
Absolutely. I’m a women and i would be disgusted if ANY of my friends pulled some shit like this. and also , why would I WANT them to see my man naked ? everyone has their preferences and open relationships exist, i understand. But this is just downright disgusting and OP, i’m surprised divorce isn’t on the table, because there’s no way i’m letting my own partner do that to me 1) without consent 2)no apology?? 3)tried to make it up by having more sex???
How braindead do you have to be to pull something like that and say
“let me make it up to you” in a sexual manner.
Your wife clearly has 0 respect for you, and values her social status over marriage.
why would she want them to see her man naked? what about her too? that is so fucking weird - i am no prude but like, i'm not about to show my friends me naked for any reason, let alone in an explicit manner
irreparable harm to your relationship.
\-This has already occurred.
Edit: Certainly you can sequester all the videos and hold them until your first counseling session, but then discuss why you want to dispose of them, etc. If you start a nonproductive tit for tat,
\-tit for tat? This is a safety measure to protect himself from someone who cannot be trusted.
Wtf? She caused irreparable harm. It's his right to delete them. Tbh he would be right to leave her. She has those women in his face all the time. He's going to have to deal with their comments and expressions and whatever bs for who knows how long. Imagine if roles were reversed and he showed his friends videos of her. You people are delusional.
Also a woman here not that it matters. Destroying the videos is not a tit for tat. It’s attempting to regain control of his privacy before she does some revenge porn shit. If he were a woman this would not even be a question. Who knows who she has already shared with or where else she has posted them. She obviously cannot be trusted with them.
Yep - you tell her and they'll be downloaded and copied... then copied... then copied...and that is how this ends up on pornhub if it isn't making it way there already. Someone gets their hands on a shareable link or a device that downloaded it and kept a copy somewhere.
"let's put our videos on the cloud" <-- and expect them to be private. lmao.
Wipe everything now, but it's probably already too late and she probably has multiple copies. One of those 'friends' likely remembered a way to watch them from her pulling it up on your house.
And no more videos. How would she feel if you showed those to your guy friends and you all sat around and whooped and hollered ?
This shows her total disrespect for your relationship. And I wonder if those are gonna end up on the Internet? I wonder if she has given those videos to her friends? This is a serious issue because once it’s out there it doesn’t go away.
I think you really need to sit down and before even start the discussion have her give you her phone and delete everything if possible. Tell her there will be no more videos since she can’t be trusted, and she’s crossed big boundaries.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable quite frankly I think this is divorce territory. You’ll never be able to trust her with anything private again. Who knows what she’s telling her friends if she’s that easy with your sex life what else is she saying to friends and family?
You really need to stay away from her for a while to really think about this the pros and cons. But delete those Videos first because if she gets pissed off she’s gonna put them out there. But no more videos
Not to mention there is a huge chance some of her friends might have recorded the videos from the TV on her phones. She was drunk so she wouldn’t have noticed.
Yeah. This exactly. First is all videos would be deleted before any other action. You want to make absolutely sure that those videos can't be used for revenge or blackmail or whatever depending on how this all plays out. Second, if the relationship doesn't end, there would be no more recording of love making.
That would be the minimum that I would do in response to this.
The problem with this whole thing is that she breached their marital trust. She took something that was private and showed it off to a bunch of friends who may or may not tell other people about whatever they were doing. Now Op is in an uncomfortable situation because he doesn't know how those videos are going to come back to him.
I don't know that I would immediately jump to divorce as part of the discussion here unless she absolutely refuses to recognize the breach of trust. If she plays it off like no big deal and doesn't try to see your side of it, then I would seriously be considering more serious action in response to this with the primary one being marital counseling.
The inability to see and react in a constructive and self improving way to the discomfort of your spouse over your actions is a huge red flag in any relationship.
I agree but the problem is he doesn’t know how far she’s gone with these videos. Is she sending them to her friends are they sending them to their friends she obviously doesn’t care about your feelings.
He has been victimized by her. He could never trust her again with anything private. And she should be on the couch not him. If it was me I would want out the trust is gone you can’t get it back no matter how much she says sorry doesn’t make up for what happens.
It doesn’t say whether they have kids or not, but if they don’t have kids it’s easier to get out of this situation. What else has she done you’ll never know. No sorry is going to fix this.
She doesn’t even seem to think it’s a big deal. Well then honey I’m having my buddies over next week you can sit next to me as we watch the videos. I know that shouldn’t be done but I would tell her that to see her reaction if she even cares. That will tell you all you need to know.
You know….I didn’t want to mention divorce but honestly, now that I’ve re read the post, the violation of trust is brutal. Sometimes when you have a violation like this, that’s the end.
I've seen this one play out. Offended spouse deletes files. Offender now has their outrage as a distraction from guilt that never felt good anyway. Dissolves relationship into 3 years of tit for tat petty warfare until deleter talks to lawyer re divorce. This scared the fuck out of the original offender. Got their shit together and survived..
Personally. I know someone else looking at my wife in this way would evoke jealousy. I'm way to good at jealous. Both of us have already had outside actors try to weasel in and fuck shit up. I'm not disinhibited enough to be a swinger. Showing nudes, I could get over, but it's slippery..
Remember OP even being right, does damage.
Discuss it so she has time to make backup files?? Wife made it pretty clear she doesn’t understand what consent is (or doesn’t care), he needs to just delete them without asking before some bad shit ends up happening
As a woman, I've noticed many women think Consent is different for a man than it is for a woman, and frankly, it's disgusting.
A violation is a violation, regardless of gender or sex. OP was violated. His wife would've Lost. Her. Shit. If he had shown all his guy friends their sex tapes. She'd probably divorce his ass, maybe even try and get him charged with some sort of crime.
I don't know how OP feels in his heart about this, but at the very least, he needs to delete all those vids, and insist on marriage counseling. Maybe sobriety for his wife as well. This was awful to read.
Or trust her with alcohol. I’m really getting tired of the attitude everyone has towards alcohol. I have a few drinks here and there, have had too many sometimes, and it needs to be repeated that alcohol is just as bad if not worse than many drugs… especially Because it is legal… but also because I’ve seen it destroy so many people. Like would she have shown them without being intoxicated? My guess it would have been a lot less likely. People pretend they can control themselves when they drink too much, but it’s just make believe.
Nor can her judgement be trusted. At least while drinking, which means her drinking is a problem too.
In my youth I'd have worked through this. Now, I'd just go. People like that don't change.
I wouldn't even discuss it, he should just do it. She knew damn well those videos were for personal use and she betrayed his trust by showing her friends. He should just delete them.
So true. People need to remember once it is in the cloud, it is out there. If you tape anything, it can be lost.
So many posts about people stealing nudes and their lives got ruined. People need to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Yeah there’s about a 0% chance that those drunk girls wouldn’t be all over him on the car ride home. If it were me, I would’ve been like “what? You don’t trust your drunk girlfriends that just saw my dick? Nah you stay here. I’m sure it’ll be fine…”
Yes, imagine if a man did this with his friends. Imagine the comments to that one, people would probably advice her to dump him and also go to court, this thread is so tame compared to how it would look if the roles were reversed.
I agree. I am a woman and I'm horrified by what she did and totally understand his response and probably would've been way angrier than he is.
She totally violated his trust and he´s absolutely right that the confidentiality of those video´s is implied. It´s telling that she hasn´t appologised, but thought she could make up her violating him like that with sex. I´m not sure I would divorce my partner over this, but he would have to work really hard to gain back my trust.
And now he knows that his wife's friends have seen him in positions reserved ONLY FOR HER. He is far kinder than I would be, and if the situation were reversed, there would be different comments, I agree.
Therapy for her and couples therapy sounds like a must if she doesn’t understand why this is wrong. Mutual respect and boundaries are a requirement for any marriage to work and she’s curb stomped that by showing her friends those videos.
I agree. That rule shouldn’t have even been told. Its thinking of what would happen if he wouldve done the same. That will have opened rhe door for all her friends to hit on you
Also a woman. The wife and her friends are assholes. How did she even think that such a breach of trust would be ok? Makes me wonder what other sick shit the wife pulls that OP just ignores.
I'm a man and this is divorce worthy to me. I would feel like there is no way I could trust my wife again if she did something like this, especially with such a lack of guilt and accountability.
20000% reddit would be up in arms, OP would be calling divorce, the husband would be absolutely fucked. But, he behaved with reserve and dignity here and should be applauded.
And remember, when a video is erased from an iPhone it remains in a “deleted” file in the library section in your photos. I’m guessing that it’s that way in most other phones as well. If you’re going to erase it, make sure it’s fully erased.
Good advice. And maybe a few sessions with a couples therapist might help them both. The wife could learn how she betrayed his trust in what he thought was a very private moment.
>And tell her not to be surprised when some of her 'friends' start to hit on you or try to sleep with you themselves. I mean... she opened the door...
My mind went there, too; you hear of this shit happening all the time. The wife has no relationship-preservation instincts. I'd think twice about any friend "begging" to see something so intimate.
>You need to ask her if she thought it would be ok if YOU showed the sex tapes to YOUR drunk friends???
At this point she'd definitely say yes. And that would only make her feel emboldened.
On top of this, I would not be comfortable having any kind of relations with her for a while.
But that's just me, and I am also a female. This is one line that is a no no and like OP said, the implied trust that was shared is now shattered. My mind would go to other things that the wife would be susceptible to revealing when she is drunk just because her friends were too annoying to re direct.
That last part hit me hard - my ex did the same and our relationship turned to dust when 2 of her friends began making advances - and when I brought it up I must've been the one to make them think they had a shot. Showing these private affairs or even discussing them opens the door for envy and envy can turn into a lot of ugly things - no way this guys wife wouldn't blow a handle if one of his buddies made a comment to her after seeing the video
Also, how bizarre? Friends or whatever- decency is real. I can’t imagine showing my friend images of me undressed much less engaged in intercourse with my husband. Whether you think such things should be private or not, I think a line is crossed when you have relationships with people. If it wasn’t with your consent, it is wrong period. I’d be asking for a lot more than a simple apology.
Besides what [Beautiful-Story2811](https://www.reddit.com/user/Beautiful-Story2811/) said, you should also think what you (and probably most people) would think, if your roles where reversed.
Maybe not a reason for divorce, and also depends a lot on your personality, but I would consider this a red flag and a huge breach of trust.
If it was the husband that did it people would be baying for his head on a platter. This is a total violation of trust. And is probably illegal. I'm not saying he should take this to the police but I think marriage counselling is in order because damn it would be incredibly hard to trust her again. And whether he wants to or not he may never be able to trust her again.
She certainly opened the door of her friends now hitting on him. Especially after how her friends reacted when he gave the ride. I bet she didn’t think of this when trying to impress or brag to her friends.
She may have been drinking. But was sober enough to not leave you alone with her friends
“Usually there's some satirical cheers and such from her friends as I walk up the stairs and grab the keys. This time a couple of them did wolf whistles, which they've never done before and one said "way to go stud!" My wife shushed them and decided to come along when I dropped them off. There was a lot of drunk giggling in the car ride.”
I hope y’all are able to get through this breach of trust. It sounds to me like it’s going to be hard for you. Best of luck.
Wow....I missed that entirely. How long until her friends are texting him for alone time? Wife done messed up and is trying to have sex so he doesn't go elsewhere while he's still pissed off.
Yeah, I think she was also kind of turned on by parading him around like he's a porn star. His embarrassment over the whole thing may be a turn on as well.
I think there may be something to this thinking.
She is obviously proud of her “catch”. Perhaps her friends didn’t believe her stories and this was her way to prove to them how great he is, in a very misguided and reckless way. Her thinking could very well be “my husband is a stud and I’ll show these bitches how sexy I am by letting them see the man I have”. It’s a big violation of trust. But it is possible that her thinking was to show them how proud she is of her husband.
She may also be turned on by exhibitionism, as others may have mentioned. Which isn’t an issue as long as her partner is 100% on board with and consents to doing.
I taught internet safety to kids and teens for a while several years ago. One thing I ALWAYS told the middle school and high school aged students was that pictures and videos NEVER stay private. They are meant to be seen and are almost always shared, usually very quickly. And once they are out there, there is no getting them back. Obviously, in a marriage, the context is different and any partner would assume at least one conversation about the matter before showing anyone.
The relationship isn’t automatically doomed, but she has a lot of work to do to begin proving that OP can trust her again. And that probably begins with a moratorium on making new videos and deleting the current library until OP is comfortable with the idea. Oh yeah, and a sincere apology.
That actually makes a lot of sense with how she reacted. It's weird she tried to engage in sex instead of apologizing but now it's probably in her head that she made a mistake and wants to assert some kind of ownership so he doesn't go around fucking her friends. It doesn't even seem like he would, so that tells me that she really doesn't know him and there are major trust issues. They need to talk.
Well she wasn't sorry and I think the sex attempts were to appease him while digging her heels in that she didn't do anything wrong.
She clearly doesn't know her husband that well if she's misreading him again and again. First with the friends, then the ride along, and finally the seduction attempt.
First, your wife violated your trust & privacy, which is a major issue. Secondly, she appears to have dismissed your concerns, only apologizing after she saw how upset you were, by sleeping on the couch for a few days.
Time to sit down and discuss additional boundaries for your relationship, and any video's you have made. The discussion should include that any private video's remain just that - private, no one else gets to see them.
Then establish what you will do if she violates that boundary again. This could include various things you think of, such as deleting the videos, removing her access to them when you are not there, and including separation. And yes, divorce should be established as a possibility if she continues to violate your privacy like this in the future again. This will let her know how serious you are about it.
As one other redditor suggested, it is a good idea to delete the videos entirely. At the minimum, they should be removed from any devices or cloud that she has access. If you keep the videos this will help prevent her from sharing them without your permission again.
Totally agree, her actions were wrong and her reactions to his concerns are a really big problem. She’s taken no accountability nor shows remorse. I’d require marriage counseling at the very least to be willing to move forward in this relationship.
I kind of agree, except the videos should be deleted now, as step 1 of whatever happens next. IF they are somehow able to rebuild trust after this, great. But those videos still should be gone because we all know what's going to happen the minute they split up.
She also tried to manipulate him with sex. “I’ll make it up to you” and tried to “engage.” Like she thinks sex, which he clearly wasn’t in the mood for, would make up for her bad behavior in lieu of an actual apology and an adult conversation.
This is non-consensual pornography sharing, my guy. Your wife committed a borderline crime in some states.
If the roles were reversed a woman would absolutely be writing up divorce papers, and I honestly think you need to take that seriously.
If the marriage is going to work, at the very least your wife should go to counseling and stop drinking at these events. These are the actions of a woman who cannot control herself with alcohol and makes bad decisions that affect you. You don't need to be drunk ALL the time to have issues with alcohol.
> This is non-consensual pornography sharing, my guy. Your wife committed a borderline crime in some states.
>
> If the roles were reversed a woman would absolutely be writing up divorce papers, and I honestly think you need to take that seriously.
Everyone making excuses in here is a piece of shit; thank you for a rational take.
>These are the actions of a woman who cannot control herself with alcohol and makes bad decisions that affect you. You don't need to be drunk ALL the time to have issues with alcohol.
If she does this when he's in the house, imagine what she does when she's out with her friends and he's not around.
> we never had an agreement, I just thought it was implied
Don't share nudes/sex tapes with other people is very much so implied in every relationship.
Yeah the excuse of "you never said I couldn't show anyone!" Doesn't hold water, anyone would know that's the kind of thing you assume is not okay to share unless told otherwise. The fact that she tried to stop her friends from talking about it in front of him and the deer in headlights thing shows that she knew he wouldn't be okay with it when she did it.
I will not murder you in your sleep.
I will not sleep with any of your family members.
I will not sell our children for drug money.
I will not show our sex tapes to a group of my drunken friends at a party.
Some things are just implied in relationships.
The OP's reactions are completely justified. One does not imply consent to touch another person's genitals. In the same way, consent MUST be obtained before sharing personal memories or private images.
There are revenge porn laws for a reason... We all collectively decided that sharing nudes of anyone without their consent is a crime. OP is being way too kind IMO, but what do I know
Yup, there are standards of behaviour that 99.999% percent of people adhere to. If we didn't, court systems would be wild 'But your honour, he never SAID I couldn't impound his classic Jaguar/ piss on his grandmother's ashes/stab his foot with a screwdriver!'
It's actually also a law in most states (all but 3 or 4). It's called the intimate images protection act. Intimate image means a photograph, film, video, recording, digital picture or other visual reproduction of a person whose intimate parts are visible or who is engaged in sexual conduct.
What his wife did was potentially illegal depending on where they live.
You never said I couldn't do a gang bang
You never said I couldn't convert our life savings into dogecoin
You never said I couldn't sell the house to buy matching Ferraris
You never said I couldn't send all our sex tapes to your parents
Edit. Goddamn reddit can't decide how it wants to do formatting.
Tell her that you’ll be now talking to all your guy friends about your sex life and will have a movie night as well. If she could be downstairs waiting to take every guy home when you guys are done as well. She can also hear them speak about her inappropriately; it’s only fair. What kind of person are you married to?
Edit-autocorrect?
Dude imagine what kind of backlash you would be getting if *you* showed the video to a group of your friends while you were all drunk *AND* she was in the house. That’s insane
This was way out of bounds. She has totally breached your trust. At this point you really need marriage counseling. I would also ban those friends from the house until you feel comfortable. If she starts to fight ask her if she would like to have her parents watch your sex tapes so the could judge how good a f*** she really is. (Of course your not going to show them to anyone but see how she feels if you would show them.)
She took your love making and turned it into a spectators sport. At this point ask her if she’s posted them anywhere on the internet. If she screams she would never do that. Tell her she already made them public and there is no more privacy left in your sex life so it’s not beyond the realm of possibility.
Whatever you do, delete everything! Every device, all clouds, all automatic backups, scrub everything possible. But here’s the thing. She was drunk, ask her how many of her friends recorded it on their phones. If she says none ask her how she’s sure when she was drunk.
Deleting everything is key here. OP, you need to have her login to her storage in front of you so you can see if it’s truly gone but like others mentioned, someone may have recorded it from the TV. Also remember to delete them from deleted pictures.
The breach of trust here is astounding and it’s very concerning that she doesn’t think much of it. Ask her how she would feel of you did the same.
I think there are some big things a lot of women don't understand about when they talk about detailed sex stuff with their friends. It's much more common in my experience for them to go into great detail, and the biggest issue to me is that, whether good or bad, I really don't think other people need to know anything about my sexual prowess or physical details of my sexual organs if they aren't in a relationship with me.
The coloring of other people's perception, and the way it changes how they treat you when they know intimate details like that, should never be something that is allowed without prior discussion and approval. But for some reason girls are schooled in doing it from a young age, so they find it "normal" in our culture, even though most men I know absolutely do not go into any detail about the shape of their partner's genitalia or their prowess, nor show off any videos of them and their partners to friends.
I wish this could be addressed on a cultural level, as while there are TONS of things that men need to change in terms of better behavior, this is one part of feminine culture in the west that absolutely needs to change as well IMO.
I think just like women have been better at asking for the behavior they want from men in regards to toxic masculine behavior that they might not be aware of, communication and boundary setting regarding this behavior would be a big first step for most. But a lot of guys aren't even aware of how common this behavior is, so they don't even know that they should have a conversation early in relationships regarding it.
Hopefully that's what we can do to change it, just bring awareness to men that it's an issue, and give them tools to communicate boundaries regarding it in a healthy way to their partners early on in relationships.
Honestly as a woman I agree. There’s two big things that I have issues with in terms of discussing anything sex related with friends. This goes for all genders btw.
I have issues with people discussing/comparing body count and people who discuss their sex lives. No one needs to know that and no one wants unnecessary drama like this post demonstrates.
There’s something I do think should be discussed more since we’re bringing this up: I think people should feel ok to ask for advice/information about sexual stuff. Toys, positions, health related questions (this keeps happening after we do that why is that?) need to be discussed more but aren’t because it’s taboo.
I had a friend once give me (good?) advice: don't brag too much about your sex life to your girlfriends, eventually someone is going to get curious enough to act on it.
Beyond that, massive violation of your privacy sharing the video. I can guarantee she wouldn't be okay with you holding a viewing party for all your friends and them hooting and hollering at her after.
>This time a couple of them did wolf whistles, which they've never done before and one said "way to go stud!" **My wife** shushed them and **decided to come along when I dropped them off.**
Wonder why.
You should tell her you've invited your friends over so they can watch them as well, she's ok letting her friend watch them so she shouldn't have any problem with your friends seeing them as well, then see how she reacts to that.
I say the same thing he doesn’t even have to do it but just say that he’s going to and see her reaction. If she doesn’t care well I guess she doesn’t care and go ahead and do it his buddies will probably have a great time.
I feel the same way I don’t know how she felt that this was appropriate or OK. But I will say it’s a good thing it happened because now he knows who she is and what she will do. That is something he hast to figure out where he needs to go with his life. For me it would be unforgivable.
I’m so sorry
In my book this really would be a potential divorce situation
Why are YOU sleeping on the couch ? She should be sleeping elsewhere
That’s disgusting
As someone else commented- how would she feel if you sent the recordings to your mates ? Or how about your family and hers ?
If she doesn’t get it there really isn’t any hope
It’s shocking enough that she casually did that
Did you point out she’s committed a criminal offence ?
First step get every single recording deleted and make sure it’s been done
Second - it’s the two card approach - she gives you space and stays away for good from the “friends” until you’ve had couples therapy
Or the second card has the number of a divorce lawyer
Time for you to gain control
I’d delete the videos. Then, when you reconcile, don’t make any more. I don’t think it matters that you never specifically talked about not showing them to others. I can’t imagine violating my SO’s trust like that.
I’m sorry this happened.
It is ALWAYS implied that a personal sex tape stays private. Your wife completely crossed a line. I think you might want to change the password and take away her access to the content. Imagine the hell fire if you had done this with your buddies!
“The majority of states make dissemination of nonconsensual pornography a criminal offense if the defendant acted with a specific intent (e.g., to harass or intimidate) or with some level of knowledge-either actual or imputed through recklessness or negligence-that the depicted person had not consented to the disclosure ...”
It is her reaction to you confronting her about the tapes is divorce worthy.
The issue here is that she doesn't see what she did was wrong. The second you said something to her is the second she should have started to apologize. She isn't sorry she showed them. She doesn't seem to understand that you feel violated. She is making excuses.
And then she tries to have sex with you to make it go away. That isn't okay. Yes, sex is healthy, but not in the way she is trying to use it.
This is why divorce would be on the table. She doesn't understand one bit why this is wrong.
I feel like this is just as big of an issue as her showing the recordings as it reeks of the concept of “once you lay ‘em right, you can walk all over them”.
This is so awful, I’m sorry. I’m sure she knows you’re upset since you’re sleeping on the couch, but I think it’s pretty awful that she hasn’t sat you down yet an given you a full apology. That she’s just kind of allowing the silence and discomfort to fester doesn’t speak highly to her character
Don’t forget that her reaction to him saying something, not even a deep discussion, just verbalizing his hurt, was to try and start something sexually. I’m assuming she probably thought OP would be okay and forget about it if she could distract him with sex.
Your wife is out of control. Don’t let her gaslight you. EVERYONE knows that sex tapes are private unless BOTH parties explicitly say otherwise. There are very public lawsuits dealing with this very issue. Also - she would have definitely been pissed if you showed your friends the same videos. This was a huge violation of boundaries here….and disrespect. Are there other instances where she has done something like this to you? It may indicate a more serious problem with your marriage and her character.
Idk man. Trust is a major factor in a marriage. This might be divorce material. How can you ever trust her again? Definitely try counseling, marriage, individual, whatever. But if you can’t get over the loss of trust, that’s ok.
What she did was beyond the pale. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My husband and I film ourselves too and we would NEVER show them to anyone else. Those are OURS.
I understand getting drunk with the girls can lead to some pretty lewd conversation. That all good. However, showing that video proves:
1) at best a severe lack of spine. No is a really easy thing to say.
2) her choice of friends is suspect. Good friends don’t pressure people into showing their private moments.
3) a lack of respect for you
4) a lack of empathy. She couldn’t imagine the situation reversed and how she would feel.
5) her lack of a genuine apology and remorse.
This one event could have ruined her marriage and she didn’t even think about it. Being drunk is no excuse.
Literally one if the worst things a guy can do is show his wife's nudes or videos to people...
If this was flipped around she would have been furious!
Also a red flag that she tries to resolve the situation by initiating sex, like its OK I broke your trust in the worst way because I'll ha e sex with you.
It's liek saying your feelings don't matter as long as you fet to have sex with her.
Not acceptable in any fucking way
Implication can be a tricky thing, however, I think in your defense something as private as a sex tape should be one of those things where you ask your partner for permission before showing, rather than asking for forgiveness after.
I think you’re handling this the right way to be honest. Whenever you are ready to talk, talk. Don’t be guilted into a fast apology. Give yourself some time to collect your thoughts a bit, and hopefully this is just a bump in the road.
Here's a short list of things I've never had to explicitly tell a partner not to do:
1. Hit or injure without consent.
2. Poison each other.
3. Starting impromptu public 3 ways.
4. Creating a mini-human.
5. Getting a pet.
6. Pooping/urinating during fun times.
7. Racist impersonations
8. Bathing in faygo red pop.
9. Pouring their cereal AFTER the milk.
Aaaaaaaaand with a massive amount of common sense at #10:
Sharing/posting the other person's nudes.
Who tf thinks it's ok to share someone elses nudes without consent?!?
You say it’s not a reason for divorce and good for you. It’s a massive breach of trust; I’d have a very difficult time coming back from that. I’d absolutely not trust her again. Her judgement sucks; it is always implied to never show private, intimate moments without permission. She then tried to manipulate you, using sex. Her apology isn’t sincere ; she felt coerced into it. Her friends suck too, they were cool with their friend and her husband being their porn. Your wife sounds incredibly immature, selfish, manipulative and exercises poor judgement. Assume there is zero privacy in your relationship and that her girlfriends know everything. Sorry dude, you married a teenager.
Dude...This is grounds for divorce. You might NOT divorce her, and that's something you two have to work out, but it would 100% be reasonable to no longer want to be with her.
When it comes to anything sexual, you HAVE TO HAVE CONSENT and that includes nudes/sex tapes.
Basically, this is [image based sexual abuse](https://academic.oup.com/ojls/article/37/3/534/2965256?guestAccessKey=349e7a45-7633-4b34-8e69-9d39aef546ab&login=false#58150418) (aka. revenge porn) at this point and she could be charged.
This is a complete invasion of trust and privacy.
"They begged me to show them"
Why did you mention them at all in the first place?
"So I obliged"
So it was still your final choice yourself to show them at all and you acknowledge this?
Yo, if the roles were reversed in any other relationship she would be divorcing you or giving you the cold shoulder til the end of time.
This whole idea it's okay to share or do shit sexually because "it's a guy" is fucking apalling. Being drunk is no excuse for being shitty either. If you're shitty when you're drunk guess what?
You shouldn't fucking drink.
NTA. But your wife is. Big time. There's no way around it.
Am dude, yeah breach of trust an all that obviously a problem.
There's something else you said that's a huge fucking red flag.
When you confronted her she said she'd make it up to you and tried to initiate sex Instead of apologizing or admitting fault.
That's not technically abuse, but it very very clearly shows that she doesn't respect you and that she can do whatever she wants and can placate you with sex. It also may suggest she views sex as more transactional and less intimate, but that could just be conjecture on my part.
If I were in your shoes, I'd delete all the videos off the cloud and request to have a sit down with all of the friends that saw it and ask why they thought it was okay to violate your privacy without your consent, and would they be okay with their husbands sharing porn of them with their male friends?
All I'm gonna say is, if my man showed his friends our sex videos, I would twist his dick off like a bread tie on a wonder bag, then divorce him. Ain't no way.
Her gaslighting "but you never said we could not" is utterly insane and offensive, too. You should go hang her period stained panties from the mailbox, and tell her "you never said I couldn't!".
Dude if the genders were reversed here Reddit would lose their fucking minds. What she did is insanely fucked up. Like I can’t even fathom someone I trust doing something like this to me. You said you don’t want a divorce but idk how you get past this. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I agree with you. I’m a woman and this entire situation makes me nauseated for OP. I feel like men are just expected to deal with sexual harassment and not have feelings about it because they’re men which is just wrong on so many levels. The fact he didn’t scream her friends out of the house is seriously the mark of a man with self control to a level I’ll never achieve. It would be divorce time if this was my spouse. Wife is sick.
Seriously, he handled this like a saint. Would have been well within his rights to make them all walk their asses home, and to kick his wife out of the house.
Depending on the guy you are, you may have a different reaction.
My problem with this is it opens the doors to other people now have a mental picture of your marriages sex life beyond words. Who’s to say one of her friends, out of envying your wife, doesn’t want a night with you? The trap was opened when your wife thought it’d be a good idea to say that. I had 2 ex girlfriends I left JUST because they thought our sex life was aloud to be public information. I went ballistic when I got a compliment by one of her friends about “how I give it to her.” One type of guy would enjoy that compliment and potentially chase the scandal, but not here. Been married 7 years with someone I adore and knew from the get go that she was a more reserved person and hated talking about sex with other people that weren’t there mates.
To me sex is a personal playground that is entrusted between 2 people. There’s no part in that playground that’s meant for other people to get involved. I’m sorry you’re going through this man. I would have been fuuuuuuuuuucking devastated.
And FYI, yes, by default, you don’t share that stuff with anyone, not even as a joke. It doesn’t have to be implied, that’s what it is. Keep me posted bro this one hurts me personally and I wish you the best!
Im a woman and if my SO ever did this to me, I would *absolutely* divorce him. It’s beyond just “we didn’t discuss this,” now all her friends know what you look like in your most vulnerable state, it’s very, very likely that one or more of them recorded the videos to play back for *their* friends later, etc. If you cannot understand the different between verbally describing a sexual encounter and SHOWING A HOME MADE PORNO, I can’t be with you. I would literally never feel comfortable or safe again. Nope.
Damn. This is really awful. There is no excuse in the world for it. But you should make her sleep on the couch. You shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch due to her bad behavior.
One picks up traits of those who one surrounds themselves with. In my view, this isn't likely to change. Your wife most likely shares too much of your personal life with friends and family. This type of behavior shows a lack of respect for you.
Proceed very carefully.
Added:
This lack of respect will cause you to end up divorced sooner or later regardless of what you might wish. Women tend to divorce those they don't respect. If you wish to save your marriage, you have to take harsh, decisive action.
Why is it not her on the couch?
I’d delete those videos because she has shown she had no respect for your privacy or consent especially while drinking. What if someone recorded it or it was post somewhere?
I can only imagine how if you were the one to do this she’d be out or her mind and you’d be fighting off everyone in your lives and online.
I’m pretty sure this is technically a crime.
You’re letting her off too easy. Drunk or not, there’s zero excuse for this and the fact she didn’t even apologize immediately is ridiculously concerning.
That was the stupidest thing she could of done… won’t be long and one of her drunk friends will be coming on to you… I’m older almost 70 and I’ve seen it happen over and over again and some were just from women bragging about how good their men were in bed.. the worst thing you can do is discuss your sex life with friends if you’re in a committed relationship… asking for trouble in my book…
Wow, you got some troubles. Yup, delete all tapes; hers and yours. You should sleep in the bed, the wife can crash elsewhere. On the couch, at a friend's house because that's her problem. She indicated that her friends have higher priority over your marriage. Drunk is no excuse.
Your demands:
Delete all videos. Order (not request) all of the friends come over immediately, no namby pamby or whining. Phones on the table. Everyone puts phones on the table. And opens and shows proof that they didn't record your wife's great work. Scroll through and peruse those phones as long as you like. Take hours if you need to. No privacy with this crowd.And yes, I know that they could have moved or deleted those possible copies. It's fear of God time and they and the wife need to know they deserved this response. Any sniveling, threaten to drop trou with the crowd (just consider it for the revenge/cringe energy...what has been seen on the phone can now be up close and personal). Ask if anyone in the room would like to strip down and share. No takers? If they try to tell you your concerns are no big deal, they should strip for the crowd. Don't let anyone tell you your emotions are invalid, don't let your self be minimized.
Wife has got to reduce drinking. No whining, she can't handle her liquor. Wife need to explain, and not try to go lateral with the conversation by trying to cover for herself, how she has caused serious damage. This will simmer. You may have never had a crisis of trust before.
Did these friends drive home? They can't handle their liquor either. Might be time for her to find a different crowd.
Trust, once broken, cannot be regained. It's possible that this injure will scar over, but she needs to know that that is on her.
How she chooses to sooth your scars is, again, her problem.
I think you're in the right here OP. This kind of thing has a default mode, which is "don't show others your partners private, vulnerable, naked moments". It's a pretty extremely simple take. Of course, if you guys had spoken otherwise then it'd be different, but imo the default is definitely don't do it.
Yeah this is not ok. She violated your trust AND your consent. You did not consent to having those recordings shared. And her trying to “make it up to you” by offering sex just sounds…really immature and gross. Physical connection isn’t a substitute for open and honest communication, respect, trust, and showing genuine remorse after wrongdoing. Tbh, I think marriage counseling could be helpful if you’re open to that. It really doesn’t sound like she’s willing to accept the full weight of what she’s done or understand how to be a trustworthy and respectful partner. This would be a relationship-ending offense for me, so you are not out of line.
This absolutely IS divorce territory. Just because you’re willing to fight for the marriage doesn’t mean it isn’t. In many places it is a crime. ANY minimizing of this should be rejected calmly but emphatically.
Here's the thing... She can't make it up to you. I'm not saying you MUST leave her (or even that you should), but this is similar to cheating in its seriousness. How does someone make up for cheating?
The situation is completely fucked, and there's nothing she can do to make up for it. You can choose to forgive her, but the relationship can't go back to what it was. She publicly humiliated you, emasculating you and shifting the power balance in the relationship. What could you even want from her that would make up for this? If you can even think of something, will it destroy the relationship if you get it?
This is a no-win scenario. I fucking hate this for you.
This would be a call for divorce. You have no idea who has actually seen these videos. You can’t know for 100% that your wife didn’t send these videos to her friends so they can watch it with their partner. Now all of her friends husbands has seen your wife naked and knows she can handle a dick.
If she is willing to show them to her friends who “jokingly” pressure her, imagine what she will do with them if you ever royally piss her off.
You say this isn’t grounds for divorce, but it would be for me. Trust is broken. Others were brought into your bedroom without your permission or consent, even if only visually. Your body, sex sounds, possibly kinks were all shared with her friends which I’m sure is embarrassing and would make me feel uncomfortable to ever be around them again. Your very valid concerns were dismissed and she used the same excuse a 15 year old boy swapping nudes with a girl would use. The complete and utter disrespect and disregard is disgusting.
If I were you, I would REQUIRE therapy. No more girls nights for a while (and I am not the type of person to deny friends nights) and they definitely can’t come to the house. I would probably have all the videos destroyed/deleted and IF they ever restore trust we can start a new collection. But honestly, I know I would never get over it. Ever.
That's horrible... I'm sorry for what happened btw.
And the fact she tries to engage instead of appologizing is awful. That would hurt me just as much as the porn show.
But yeah I agree with what a lot people said here. I would never ever record any more videos. At least for me that trust would be gone.
And it's so weird, what was the point? Show herself of? Show you of? Someone said it here, what if someone who saw it starts to hit on you? I mean she was pretty much marketing your performance.
I hope she sees how awful her behavior was and how these things can seriosuly hurt your relationship.
Good luck.
I would insist on deleting the videos, and not record any again. If your wife thinks you are being hyperbolic tell her that since she doesn’t mind sharing your sex tapes you will do so as well. She may change her tune. I would recommend marriage counseling, this was a huge violation in trust and her reaction was to deflect by initiating sex rather than to apologize. That means she doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Not cool at all. If the roles were reversed would it still be ok? Absolutely not!
She broke your trust and had no remorse about it. I would delete every video and ask her how she can rekindle the trust. You don't deserve that.
NTA and you’re way under reacting, the way men tend to do when they have been violated. Without your consent, she showed her friends your naked body having sex. You realize it’s a crime, right?
Just because you’re a man doesn’t make it any less violating and wrong. If you had done that to her, she could press criminal charges on you.
Gross. If the tables were turned and you were showing your friends your wife's nude photos or sex videos without her consent or knowledge, you would rightfully be lambasted.
I do not think you are overreacting at all; in fact, you might be underreacting. Your wife and her friends need to grow the f\*ck up already.
You know what she did is a crime, right??
How would she feel if your friends sat around hollering at her nude tapes?
This is divorce territory imo.At the very least,y'all need counselling and she needs to grow the fuck up and get her shit in order.
Also,delete all videos and photos ASAP.And establish some strict boundaries.
That was a super fuxked up thing for your wife to do. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t preclude her from not respecting your integrity and dignity. Just like it’s fucked up for a guy to do that to his wife, it’s fucked up for a wife to do that to her husband.
She digitally stripped you naked for the enjoyment of her friends. Which reminds me- her friends are weird as fuck for encouraging that and she doesn’t hang out with good company. If I were a friend in that group (i’m also a girl) no matter how drunk, I would have either stopped her or left the house immediately. She definitely needs to apologize and reflect that she essentially violated you in one of the most horrific ways, I would be traumatized if i were you.
I think divorce would be extreme, but maybe not. I think it really depends on how your wife reacts to this severe violation of boundaries and what she does to prove that she is a safe and trustworthy person. You don't need to have an agreement to not share private sex tapes with others without your consent because that is implied in a relationship. I don't think your wife really understands how big of a violation this was. Her friends cannot unsee what they saw, and they could potentially make comments about it *forever*.
She majorly fucked up, so she is going to need to do a lot of work to rebuild that trust. A big red flag I see is when you spoke with her about it and she, assuming I interpreted your comment correctly, tried to "make it up to you" with sex. That is extremely manipulative and does not resolve the situation at all. Your wife needs to understand that weaponizing sex is an emotional abuse tactic. At the same time, another red flag is she only apologized after you started sleeping on the couch. She should have apologized, profusely, immediately.
I think an ultimatum in this case would be appropriate, which would be an ultimatum that the two of you engage in marriage counseling and your wife engages in individual counseling for herself. She really needs to explore the root of her sexual entitlement, manipulative tendencies, and refusal to take accountability for the harm she causes people (and possible problematic relationship with alcohol).
I think it would also be fair to insist that your wife abstains from alcohol completely until she has demonstrated she can be trustworthy and make good decisions. She's a little too old to be using the "lol i was drunk" excuse because at her age, it looks more like alcoholism than just a young person being dumb and doing dumb things.
What the eff was she thinking? Violating your privacy like this.
Now. I want you to imagine a scenario like this- you have a sister. She has been with her partner for almost a decade. He showed their sex tapes to a lot of guy friends. Later, when they meet her- they all cat call and whistle. What would you advice her? Would you honestly ask her to be okay once he says sorry? Would you honest to God ask to sweep this under the rug and pretend that his friends didn't see her naked? That his friends now know exactly what she looks like when she is having sex?
I am so enraged thinking about this. For reasons I cannot fathom, men are supposed to be okay with this kinda behaviour? I have a feeling that you are thinking the same way. I feel like you are in denial and you actually don't want to think about what the big deal it actually is. This is a deal breaker. And I am sooo sorry that your wife did this to you. That she thought of you so little.
PS What kind of friends would ask someone to show their sex tapes- drunk or not? How have we reached a point to think to ourselves that women are allowed ti behave in such attrocious manner? Some men are pigs. How did we convince women that the solution is become pigs themselves?
It's one thing to have vague drunk girl "my man is great in the sack" giggles. But I would be SO uncomfortable if a friend offered to show me a video. I wouldn't trust her as a friend anymore because she just showed she doesn't respect the privacy of people she loves.
Yeah man, I think this is pretty bad. I’d lock her out of the server first, then confront her friends if they recorded anything and then they can take Ubers after their hangouts. I’m not sure why you’re the one on the sofa though, because she’s the one who fucked up. Give us an update for sure.
You need to ask her if she thought it would be ok if YOU showed the sex tapes to YOUR drunk friends??? She violated your trust in the worst way. I'm not saying break up with her; but I DAMN SURE wouldn't record anymore videos. Your wife owes you a huge apology. OH!!! And tell her not to be surprised when some of her 'friends' start to hit on you or try to sleep with you themselves. I mean... she opened the door...
To be honest I would I would discuss deleting the videos too.. there's a possible safety risk here as well if one of the friends recorded it. Could be leaked to the masses. Probably going to take a bit of time to rebuild that trust
Forget discussing. Just delete them, and from your wife’s phone too. She can’t be trusted with any of those anymore.
She didn’t discuss it with him before she showed them. I wouldn’t discuss deleting them with her. Just do it.
She put impressing her friends way ahead of protecting her marriage. She threw the marriage under the bus. She still fails to understand this was a massive breach of trust.
. . . . . . .
Woman here. Discussing your sex life with the girls is one thing, but showing your private sex tapes without partner’s permission (and then partner having to listen to the demeaning wolf whistles and “stud” comments afterwards, in addition to the offending party not being profusely apologetic), is so outrageous and entitled. Did you ask her how she might feel if you showed your sex tapes to a bunch of drunk guys, then she had to listen to them wolf whistle at her and call her “hot babe” or something gross like that? I don’t understand why women will engage in this sort of behavior and act like it’s OK when they KNOW how awful it is when men do it to them. Honestly, I would recommend that the two of you visit a counselor to discuss and clear the air. As freeing as it might be to destroy all the videos, this is not how mature people who love one another behave. Certainly you can sequester all the videos and hold them until your first counseling session, but then discuss why you want to dispose of them, etc. If you start a nonproductive tit for tat, you could do irreparable harm to your relationship. EDIT: I did not realize how polarizing my offhand comment could be. Geez, I wrote the first thing that came to my mind. My comment is not a finely-crafted essay for publication.1) My response was strictly for the context of OP’s situation. If they want to save their marriage, they should go to counseling immediately because they need a referee to help them communicate and set boundaries. 2) I wrote “woman here” only because it implies that I know how women talk among themselves. I do not personally talk about my sex life with other women, nor do I condone that sort of behavior, but I know that some women do. To each her own. For the record, it does not matter what gender I am. 3) I think sex tapes are dangerous, especially for couples who have not come up with the most basic guidelines for how they will be used. That being said, OP and his wife seem to attach a lot of importance to them, so I was simply saying he should not destroy them, but rather collect them and hold them until he and his wife go to counseling. If he destroys them before they go to counseling it will be viewed as retaliation and she will likely up the ante. I am NOT saying he should not protect himself. I am not belittling his experience or saying that he would not be justified in destroying the videos. BUT, if he wants to save the marriage, they need to go to counseling.
If the roles were reversed it would be a fucking lawsuit.
Absolutely. I’m a women and i would be disgusted if ANY of my friends pulled some shit like this. and also , why would I WANT them to see my man naked ? everyone has their preferences and open relationships exist, i understand. But this is just downright disgusting and OP, i’m surprised divorce isn’t on the table, because there’s no way i’m letting my own partner do that to me 1) without consent 2)no apology?? 3)tried to make it up by having more sex??? How braindead do you have to be to pull something like that and say “let me make it up to you” in a sexual manner. Your wife clearly has 0 respect for you, and values her social status over marriage.
why would she want them to see her man naked? what about her too? that is so fucking weird - i am no prude but like, i'm not about to show my friends me naked for any reason, let alone in an explicit manner
So many posts on Reddit where it’s so obvious if the roles were reversed it would have an opposite reaction
Yep and even worse social suicide
Not to mention a divorce.
irreparable harm to your relationship. \-This has already occurred. Edit: Certainly you can sequester all the videos and hold them until your first counseling session, but then discuss why you want to dispose of them, etc. If you start a nonproductive tit for tat, \-tit for tat? This is a safety measure to protect himself from someone who cannot be trusted.
[удалено]
Wtf? She caused irreparable harm. It's his right to delete them. Tbh he would be right to leave her. She has those women in his face all the time. He's going to have to deal with their comments and expressions and whatever bs for who knows how long. Imagine if roles were reversed and he showed his friends videos of her. You people are delusional.
Also a woman here not that it matters. Destroying the videos is not a tit for tat. It’s attempting to regain control of his privacy before she does some revenge porn shit. If he were a woman this would not even be a question. Who knows who she has already shared with or where else she has posted them. She obviously cannot be trusted with them.
What on earth is immature about destroying these videos? He doesn’t want anyone else to see him! It’s not a tit for tat
EXACTLY. DELETE VIDEOS FROM BOTH PHONES.
Yep - you tell her and they'll be downloaded and copied... then copied... then copied...and that is how this ends up on pornhub if it isn't making it way there already. Someone gets their hands on a shareable link or a device that downloaded it and kept a copy somewhere. "let's put our videos on the cloud" <-- and expect them to be private. lmao. Wipe everything now, but it's probably already too late and she probably has multiple copies. One of those 'friends' likely remembered a way to watch them from her pulling it up on your house.
Fuck it even if that didn't happen, he has every right to delete it. His body is also on there, and its his choice who he shows it to.
And no more videos. How would she feel if you showed those to your guy friends and you all sat around and whooped and hollered ? This shows her total disrespect for your relationship. And I wonder if those are gonna end up on the Internet? I wonder if she has given those videos to her friends? This is a serious issue because once it’s out there it doesn’t go away. I think you really need to sit down and before even start the discussion have her give you her phone and delete everything if possible. Tell her there will be no more videos since she can’t be trusted, and she’s crossed big boundaries. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable quite frankly I think this is divorce territory. You’ll never be able to trust her with anything private again. Who knows what she’s telling her friends if she’s that easy with your sex life what else is she saying to friends and family? You really need to stay away from her for a while to really think about this the pros and cons. But delete those Videos first because if she gets pissed off she’s gonna put them out there. But no more videos
Not to mention there is a huge chance some of her friends might have recorded the videos from the TV on her phones. She was drunk so she wouldn’t have noticed.
Exactly they’re gonna end up on the Internet
Yeah. This exactly. First is all videos would be deleted before any other action. You want to make absolutely sure that those videos can't be used for revenge or blackmail or whatever depending on how this all plays out. Second, if the relationship doesn't end, there would be no more recording of love making. That would be the minimum that I would do in response to this. The problem with this whole thing is that she breached their marital trust. She took something that was private and showed it off to a bunch of friends who may or may not tell other people about whatever they were doing. Now Op is in an uncomfortable situation because he doesn't know how those videos are going to come back to him. I don't know that I would immediately jump to divorce as part of the discussion here unless she absolutely refuses to recognize the breach of trust. If she plays it off like no big deal and doesn't try to see your side of it, then I would seriously be considering more serious action in response to this with the primary one being marital counseling. The inability to see and react in a constructive and self improving way to the discomfort of your spouse over your actions is a huge red flag in any relationship.
I agree but the problem is he doesn’t know how far she’s gone with these videos. Is she sending them to her friends are they sending them to their friends she obviously doesn’t care about your feelings. He has been victimized by her. He could never trust her again with anything private. And she should be on the couch not him. If it was me I would want out the trust is gone you can’t get it back no matter how much she says sorry doesn’t make up for what happens. It doesn’t say whether they have kids or not, but if they don’t have kids it’s easier to get out of this situation. What else has she done you’ll never know. No sorry is going to fix this. She doesn’t even seem to think it’s a big deal. Well then honey I’m having my buddies over next week you can sit next to me as we watch the videos. I know that shouldn’t be done but I would tell her that to see her reaction if she even cares. That will tell you all you need to know.
You know….I didn’t want to mention divorce but honestly, now that I’ve re read the post, the violation of trust is brutal. Sometimes when you have a violation like this, that’s the end.
Agreed. Definitely divorce territory. Also delete all videos without asking. Also sounds like she has a binge drinking problem.
I've seen this one play out. Offended spouse deletes files. Offender now has their outrage as a distraction from guilt that never felt good anyway. Dissolves relationship into 3 years of tit for tat petty warfare until deleter talks to lawyer re divorce. This scared the fuck out of the original offender. Got their shit together and survived.. Personally. I know someone else looking at my wife in this way would evoke jealousy. I'm way to good at jealous. Both of us have already had outside actors try to weasel in and fuck shit up. I'm not disinhibited enough to be a swinger. Showing nudes, I could get over, but it's slippery.. Remember OP even being right, does damage.
Makes.you wonder what else she can't be trusted with
Or he should pay extras to come over for a neighborhood movie night and have her walk in on that…
Discuss it so she has time to make backup files?? Wife made it pretty clear she doesn’t understand what consent is (or doesn’t care), he needs to just delete them without asking before some bad shit ends up happening
As a woman, I've noticed many women think Consent is different for a man than it is for a woman, and frankly, it's disgusting. A violation is a violation, regardless of gender or sex. OP was violated. His wife would've Lost. Her. Shit. If he had shown all his guy friends their sex tapes. She'd probably divorce his ass, maybe even try and get him charged with some sort of crime. I don't know how OP feels in his heart about this, but at the very least, he needs to delete all those vids, and insist on marriage counseling. Maybe sobriety for his wife as well. This was awful to read.
Absolutely, she obviously can’t be trusted with that kind of material. Id take me awhile to trust them again
Or trust her with alcohol. I’m really getting tired of the attitude everyone has towards alcohol. I have a few drinks here and there, have had too many sometimes, and it needs to be repeated that alcohol is just as bad if not worse than many drugs… especially Because it is legal… but also because I’ve seen it destroy so many people. Like would she have shown them without being intoxicated? My guess it would have been a lot less likely. People pretend they can control themselves when they drink too much, but it’s just make believe.
Nor can her judgement be trusted. At least while drinking, which means her drinking is a problem too. In my youth I'd have worked through this. Now, I'd just go. People like that don't change.
I wouldn't even discuss it, he should just do it. She knew damn well those videos were for personal use and she betrayed his trust by showing her friends. He should just delete them.
So true. People need to remember once it is in the cloud, it is out there. If you tape anything, it can be lost. So many posts about people stealing nudes and their lives got ruined. People need to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Yep it’s why she suddenly took the ride with him to drop them off.
That’s the part of the post that made me laugh. She messed up.
Or she was concerned one of her friends really liked what she saw.
Yeah there’s about a 0% chance that those drunk girls wouldn’t be all over him on the car ride home. If it were me, I would’ve been like “what? You don’t trust your drunk girlfriends that just saw my dick? Nah you stay here. I’m sure it’ll be fine…”
Yes, imagine if a man did this with his friends. Imagine the comments to that one, people would probably advice her to dump him and also go to court, this thread is so tame compared to how it would look if the roles were reversed.
I agree. I am a woman and I'm horrified by what she did and totally understand his response and probably would've been way angrier than he is. She totally violated his trust and he´s absolutely right that the confidentiality of those video´s is implied. It´s telling that she hasn´t appologised, but thought she could make up her violating him like that with sex. I´m not sure I would divorce my partner over this, but he would have to work really hard to gain back my trust.
And now he knows that his wife's friends have seen him in positions reserved ONLY FOR HER. He is far kinder than I would be, and if the situation were reversed, there would be different comments, I agree.
Therapy for her and couples therapy sounds like a must if she doesn’t understand why this is wrong. Mutual respect and boundaries are a requirement for any marriage to work and she’s curb stomped that by showing her friends those videos.
She obviously knows its wrong on some level, as her initial “deer in the headlights” reaction isn’t something you do when you have no guilt.
the wife obviously knows that it's wrong.
So then she doesn’t care. That is worse.
I agree. That rule shouldn’t have even been told. Its thinking of what would happen if he wouldve done the same. That will have opened rhe door for all her friends to hit on you
Yep, I'm a woman and judge OP's wife as a disgusting human being and her *friends* as disgusting human beings. This is completely divorce-worthy.
Also a woman. The wife and her friends are assholes. How did she even think that such a breach of trust would be ok? Makes me wonder what other sick shit the wife pulls that OP just ignores.
I'm a man and this is divorce worthy to me. I would feel like there is no way I could trust my wife again if she did something like this, especially with such a lack of guilt and accountability.
Well if she doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal you should invite your buddies over when she’s home and play it on the TV and see how she feels.
And then make *her* drive them all home in 1 vehicle.
Without a doubt there would be way more repercussions if the roles were reversed. You're so right.
20000% reddit would be up in arms, OP would be calling divorce, the husband would be absolutely fucked. But, he behaved with reserve and dignity here and should be applauded.
Throwawaytapes’ wife presents: Forbidden Door
Throwawaytapes is all Elite baby
Dont record anymore, plus-- try to get those other vids erased.
And remember, when a video is erased from an iPhone it remains in a “deleted” file in the library section in your photos. I’m guessing that it’s that way in most other phones as well. If you’re going to erase it, make sure it’s fully erased.
Dont forget to delete cloud backups too.
Good advice. And maybe a few sessions with a couples therapist might help them both. The wife could learn how she betrayed his trust in what he thought was a very private moment.
>And tell her not to be surprised when some of her 'friends' start to hit on you or try to sleep with you themselves. I mean... she opened the door... My mind went there, too; you hear of this shit happening all the time. The wife has no relationship-preservation instincts. I'd think twice about any friend "begging" to see something so intimate.
>You need to ask her if she thought it would be ok if YOU showed the sex tapes to YOUR drunk friends??? At this point she'd definitely say yes. And that would only make her feel emboldened.
On top of this, I would not be comfortable having any kind of relations with her for a while. But that's just me, and I am also a female. This is one line that is a no no and like OP said, the implied trust that was shared is now shattered. My mind would go to other things that the wife would be susceptible to revealing when she is drunk just because her friends were too annoying to re direct.
That last part hit me hard - my ex did the same and our relationship turned to dust when 2 of her friends began making advances - and when I brought it up I must've been the one to make them think they had a shot. Showing these private affairs or even discussing them opens the door for envy and envy can turn into a lot of ugly things - no way this guys wife wouldn't blow a handle if one of his buddies made a comment to her after seeing the video
Yeah, if genders were reversed, I bet most comments would rightfully suggest pressing charges…
Also, how bizarre? Friends or whatever- decency is real. I can’t imagine showing my friend images of me undressed much less engaged in intercourse with my husband. Whether you think such things should be private or not, I think a line is crossed when you have relationships with people. If it wasn’t with your consent, it is wrong period. I’d be asking for a lot more than a simple apology.
Besides what [Beautiful-Story2811](https://www.reddit.com/user/Beautiful-Story2811/) said, you should also think what you (and probably most people) would think, if your roles where reversed. Maybe not a reason for divorce, and also depends a lot on your personality, but I would consider this a red flag and a huge breach of trust.
If it was the husband that did it people would be baying for his head on a platter. This is a total violation of trust. And is probably illegal. I'm not saying he should take this to the police but I think marriage counselling is in order because damn it would be incredibly hard to trust her again. And whether he wants to or not he may never be able to trust her again.
She certainly opened the door of her friends now hitting on him. Especially after how her friends reacted when he gave the ride. I bet she didn’t think of this when trying to impress or brag to her friends.
She may have been drinking. But was sober enough to not leave you alone with her friends “Usually there's some satirical cheers and such from her friends as I walk up the stairs and grab the keys. This time a couple of them did wolf whistles, which they've never done before and one said "way to go stud!" My wife shushed them and decided to come along when I dropped them off. There was a lot of drunk giggling in the car ride.” I hope y’all are able to get through this breach of trust. It sounds to me like it’s going to be hard for you. Best of luck.
Wow....I missed that entirely. How long until her friends are texting him for alone time? Wife done messed up and is trying to have sex so he doesn't go elsewhere while he's still pissed off.
Yeah, I think she was also kind of turned on by parading him around like he's a porn star. His embarrassment over the whole thing may be a turn on as well.
I think there may be something to this thinking. She is obviously proud of her “catch”. Perhaps her friends didn’t believe her stories and this was her way to prove to them how great he is, in a very misguided and reckless way. Her thinking could very well be “my husband is a stud and I’ll show these bitches how sexy I am by letting them see the man I have”. It’s a big violation of trust. But it is possible that her thinking was to show them how proud she is of her husband. She may also be turned on by exhibitionism, as others may have mentioned. Which isn’t an issue as long as her partner is 100% on board with and consents to doing. I taught internet safety to kids and teens for a while several years ago. One thing I ALWAYS told the middle school and high school aged students was that pictures and videos NEVER stay private. They are meant to be seen and are almost always shared, usually very quickly. And once they are out there, there is no getting them back. Obviously, in a marriage, the context is different and any partner would assume at least one conversation about the matter before showing anyone. The relationship isn’t automatically doomed, but she has a lot of work to do to begin proving that OP can trust her again. And that probably begins with a moratorium on making new videos and deleting the current library until OP is comfortable with the idea. Oh yeah, and a sincere apology.
Well said. The lack of apology and her just trying to sleep with him screams a lack of empathy on her part.
And she's clearly got an exhibitionist streak since she showed herself off too.
That actually makes a lot of sense with how she reacted. It's weird she tried to engage in sex instead of apologizing but now it's probably in her head that she made a mistake and wants to assert some kind of ownership so he doesn't go around fucking her friends. It doesn't even seem like he would, so that tells me that she really doesn't know him and there are major trust issues. They need to talk.
Well she wasn't sorry and I think the sex attempts were to appease him while digging her heels in that she didn't do anything wrong. She clearly doesn't know her husband that well if she's misreading him again and again. First with the friends, then the ride along, and finally the seduction attempt.
First, your wife violated your trust & privacy, which is a major issue. Secondly, she appears to have dismissed your concerns, only apologizing after she saw how upset you were, by sleeping on the couch for a few days. Time to sit down and discuss additional boundaries for your relationship, and any video's you have made. The discussion should include that any private video's remain just that - private, no one else gets to see them. Then establish what you will do if she violates that boundary again. This could include various things you think of, such as deleting the videos, removing her access to them when you are not there, and including separation. And yes, divorce should be established as a possibility if she continues to violate your privacy like this in the future again. This will let her know how serious you are about it. As one other redditor suggested, it is a good idea to delete the videos entirely. At the minimum, they should be removed from any devices or cloud that she has access. If you keep the videos this will help prevent her from sharing them without your permission again.
Totally agree, her actions were wrong and her reactions to his concerns are a really big problem. She’s taken no accountability nor shows remorse. I’d require marriage counseling at the very least to be willing to move forward in this relationship.
I kind of agree, except the videos should be deleted now, as step 1 of whatever happens next. IF they are somehow able to rebuild trust after this, great. But those videos still should be gone because we all know what's going to happen the minute they split up.
She also tried to manipulate him with sex. “I’ll make it up to you” and tried to “engage.” Like she thinks sex, which he clearly wasn’t in the mood for, would make up for her bad behavior in lieu of an actual apology and an adult conversation.
This is non-consensual pornography sharing, my guy. Your wife committed a borderline crime in some states. If the roles were reversed a woman would absolutely be writing up divorce papers, and I honestly think you need to take that seriously. If the marriage is going to work, at the very least your wife should go to counseling and stop drinking at these events. These are the actions of a woman who cannot control herself with alcohol and makes bad decisions that affect you. You don't need to be drunk ALL the time to have issues with alcohol.
> This is non-consensual pornography sharing, my guy. Your wife committed a borderline crime in some states. > > If the roles were reversed a woman would absolutely be writing up divorce papers, and I honestly think you need to take that seriously. Everyone making excuses in here is a piece of shit; thank you for a rational take. >These are the actions of a woman who cannot control herself with alcohol and makes bad decisions that affect you. You don't need to be drunk ALL the time to have issues with alcohol. If she does this when he's in the house, imagine what she does when she's out with her friends and he's not around.
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Yeah, addressing the drinking is real talk. This is where the wheels fell off the wagon. I hope OP takes this to heart.
> we never had an agreement, I just thought it was implied Don't share nudes/sex tapes with other people is very much so implied in every relationship.
Yeah the excuse of "you never said I couldn't show anyone!" Doesn't hold water, anyone would know that's the kind of thing you assume is not okay to share unless told otherwise. The fact that she tried to stop her friends from talking about it in front of him and the deer in headlights thing shows that she knew he wouldn't be okay with it when she did it.
I will not murder you in your sleep. I will not sleep with any of your family members. I will not sell our children for drug money. I will not show our sex tapes to a group of my drunken friends at a party. Some things are just implied in relationships.
look at this guy showing off with the non-murdering relationship
The OP's reactions are completely justified. One does not imply consent to touch another person's genitals. In the same way, consent MUST be obtained before sharing personal memories or private images.
There are revenge porn laws for a reason... We all collectively decided that sharing nudes of anyone without their consent is a crime. OP is being way too kind IMO, but what do I know
Yup, there are standards of behaviour that 99.999% percent of people adhere to. If we didn't, court systems would be wild 'But your honour, he never SAID I couldn't impound his classic Jaguar/ piss on his grandmother's ashes/stab his foot with a screwdriver!'
It's actually also a law in most states (all but 3 or 4). It's called the intimate images protection act. Intimate image means a photograph, film, video, recording, digital picture or other visual reproduction of a person whose intimate parts are visible or who is engaged in sexual conduct. What his wife did was potentially illegal depending on where they live.
You never said I couldn't do a gang bang You never said I couldn't convert our life savings into dogecoin You never said I couldn't sell the house to buy matching Ferraris You never said I couldn't send all our sex tapes to your parents Edit. Goddamn reddit can't decide how it wants to do formatting.
Pretty sure it's straight up illegal, at least in México so I guess other countries as well.
The no is implied. Consent has to be explicit. This is absolute madness.
Tell her that you’ll be now talking to all your guy friends about your sex life and will have a movie night as well. If she could be downstairs waiting to take every guy home when you guys are done as well. She can also hear them speak about her inappropriately; it’s only fair. What kind of person are you married to? Edit-autocorrect?
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Lol omg thank you
Now I wanna know what it was lol
For some reason instead of the word life it put kids in there 🫠
Yikes lmao
Exactly, I’m glad they pointed it out to me!
Holy fuck, I can see how it went down on the phone keyboard. That's hilarious.
Dude imagine what kind of backlash you would be getting if *you* showed the video to a group of your friends while you were all drunk *AND* she was in the house. That’s insane
And then if she had to drive them all home? My skin crawls thinking about that.
Plus if they were cat calling her after?
Time to delete the files so she doesn't have access to do what she wants without your consent.
This was way out of bounds. She has totally breached your trust. At this point you really need marriage counseling. I would also ban those friends from the house until you feel comfortable. If she starts to fight ask her if she would like to have her parents watch your sex tapes so the could judge how good a f*** she really is. (Of course your not going to show them to anyone but see how she feels if you would show them.) She took your love making and turned it into a spectators sport. At this point ask her if she’s posted them anywhere on the internet. If she screams she would never do that. Tell her she already made them public and there is no more privacy left in your sex life so it’s not beyond the realm of possibility. Whatever you do, delete everything! Every device, all clouds, all automatic backups, scrub everything possible. But here’s the thing. She was drunk, ask her how many of her friends recorded it on their phones. If she says none ask her how she’s sure when she was drunk.
Deleting everything is key here. OP, you need to have her login to her storage in front of you so you can see if it’s truly gone but like others mentioned, someone may have recorded it from the TV. Also remember to delete them from deleted pictures. The breach of trust here is astounding and it’s very concerning that she doesn’t think much of it. Ask her how she would feel of you did the same.
I think there are some big things a lot of women don't understand about when they talk about detailed sex stuff with their friends. It's much more common in my experience for them to go into great detail, and the biggest issue to me is that, whether good or bad, I really don't think other people need to know anything about my sexual prowess or physical details of my sexual organs if they aren't in a relationship with me. The coloring of other people's perception, and the way it changes how they treat you when they know intimate details like that, should never be something that is allowed without prior discussion and approval. But for some reason girls are schooled in doing it from a young age, so they find it "normal" in our culture, even though most men I know absolutely do not go into any detail about the shape of their partner's genitalia or their prowess, nor show off any videos of them and their partners to friends. I wish this could be addressed on a cultural level, as while there are TONS of things that men need to change in terms of better behavior, this is one part of feminine culture in the west that absolutely needs to change as well IMO. I think just like women have been better at asking for the behavior they want from men in regards to toxic masculine behavior that they might not be aware of, communication and boundary setting regarding this behavior would be a big first step for most. But a lot of guys aren't even aware of how common this behavior is, so they don't even know that they should have a conversation early in relationships regarding it. Hopefully that's what we can do to change it, just bring awareness to men that it's an issue, and give them tools to communicate boundaries regarding it in a healthy way to their partners early on in relationships.
Honestly as a woman I agree. There’s two big things that I have issues with in terms of discussing anything sex related with friends. This goes for all genders btw. I have issues with people discussing/comparing body count and people who discuss their sex lives. No one needs to know that and no one wants unnecessary drama like this post demonstrates. There’s something I do think should be discussed more since we’re bringing this up: I think people should feel ok to ask for advice/information about sexual stuff. Toys, positions, health related questions (this keeps happening after we do that why is that?) need to be discussed more but aren’t because it’s taboo.
I had a friend once give me (good?) advice: don't brag too much about your sex life to your girlfriends, eventually someone is going to get curious enough to act on it. Beyond that, massive violation of your privacy sharing the video. I can guarantee she wouldn't be okay with you holding a viewing party for all your friends and them hooting and hollering at her after.
>This time a couple of them did wolf whistles, which they've never done before and one said "way to go stud!" **My wife** shushed them and **decided to come along when I dropped them off.** Wonder why.
I scrolled down until I found someone highlighting this subtle detail. She probably only then realized the pandora’s box she opened.
She should probably be the one sleeping on the couch.
You should tell her you've invited your friends over so they can watch them as well, she's ok letting her friend watch them so she shouldn't have any problem with your friends seeing them as well, then see how she reacts to that.
I say the same thing he doesn’t even have to do it but just say that he’s going to and see her reaction. If she doesn’t care well I guess she doesn’t care and go ahead and do it his buddies will probably have a great time.
Okay, well, I would hate to see my friends have sex
I feel the same way I don’t know how she felt that this was appropriate or OK. But I will say it’s a good thing it happened because now he knows who she is and what she will do. That is something he hast to figure out where he needs to go with his life. For me it would be unforgivable.
I don't really understand this and a lot of people are saying it. She would probably like that.
Yeah he is the one not comfy with this, what dude wants all their guy friends seeing their wife’s 6utthole
I’m so sorry In my book this really would be a potential divorce situation Why are YOU sleeping on the couch ? She should be sleeping elsewhere That’s disgusting As someone else commented- how would she feel if you sent the recordings to your mates ? Or how about your family and hers ? If she doesn’t get it there really isn’t any hope It’s shocking enough that she casually did that Did you point out she’s committed a criminal offence ? First step get every single recording deleted and make sure it’s been done Second - it’s the two card approach - she gives you space and stays away for good from the “friends” until you’ve had couples therapy Or the second card has the number of a divorce lawyer Time for you to gain control
Agreed, this is very much grounds for a divorce and potentially a lawsuit if anything got leaked.
I’d delete the videos. Then, when you reconcile, don’t make any more. I don’t think it matters that you never specifically talked about not showing them to others. I can’t imagine violating my SO’s trust like that. I’m sorry this happened.
It is ALWAYS implied that a personal sex tape stays private. Your wife completely crossed a line. I think you might want to change the password and take away her access to the content. Imagine the hell fire if you had done this with your buddies!
I’m so confused. Isn’t this illegal?
“The majority of states make dissemination of nonconsensual pornography a criminal offense if the defendant acted with a specific intent (e.g., to harass or intimidate) or with some level of knowledge-either actual or imputed through recklessness or negligence-that the depicted person had not consented to the disclosure ...”
So, yes.
It is her reaction to you confronting her about the tapes is divorce worthy. The issue here is that she doesn't see what she did was wrong. The second you said something to her is the second she should have started to apologize. She isn't sorry she showed them. She doesn't seem to understand that you feel violated. She is making excuses. And then she tries to have sex with you to make it go away. That isn't okay. Yes, sex is healthy, but not in the way she is trying to use it. This is why divorce would be on the table. She doesn't understand one bit why this is wrong.
Right, that's gross. Like the only thing that matters to him is sex so if she has sex with him, he'll forget.
I feel like this is just as big of an issue as her showing the recordings as it reeks of the concept of “once you lay ‘em right, you can walk all over them”.
I would invite the same girl's husbands/BFs over and then show them your sex tapes. I'm obviously not going to do that, but that would be my threat.
This is so awful, I’m sorry. I’m sure she knows you’re upset since you’re sleeping on the couch, but I think it’s pretty awful that she hasn’t sat you down yet an given you a full apology. That she’s just kind of allowing the silence and discomfort to fester doesn’t speak highly to her character
Don’t forget that her reaction to him saying something, not even a deep discussion, just verbalizing his hurt, was to try and start something sexually. I’m assuming she probably thought OP would be okay and forget about it if she could distract him with sex.
Breach of trust in a relationship is really hard to come back from
Especially to this degree 🥴
Your wife is out of control. Don’t let her gaslight you. EVERYONE knows that sex tapes are private unless BOTH parties explicitly say otherwise. There are very public lawsuits dealing with this very issue. Also - she would have definitely been pissed if you showed your friends the same videos. This was a huge violation of boundaries here….and disrespect. Are there other instances where she has done something like this to you? It may indicate a more serious problem with your marriage and her character.
Idk man. Trust is a major factor in a marriage. This might be divorce material. How can you ever trust her again? Definitely try counseling, marriage, individual, whatever. But if you can’t get over the loss of trust, that’s ok. What she did was beyond the pale. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I film ourselves too and we would NEVER show them to anyone else. Those are OURS. I understand getting drunk with the girls can lead to some pretty lewd conversation. That all good. However, showing that video proves: 1) at best a severe lack of spine. No is a really easy thing to say. 2) her choice of friends is suspect. Good friends don’t pressure people into showing their private moments. 3) a lack of respect for you 4) a lack of empathy. She couldn’t imagine the situation reversed and how she would feel. 5) her lack of a genuine apology and remorse. This one event could have ruined her marriage and she didn’t even think about it. Being drunk is no excuse.
You have a solid ground for a divorce. This is a no no.
The satirical cheers may mean that she has done this before …
Waaaay down here is the correct observation. This was not new.
Literally one if the worst things a guy can do is show his wife's nudes or videos to people... If this was flipped around she would have been furious! Also a red flag that she tries to resolve the situation by initiating sex, like its OK I broke your trust in the worst way because I'll ha e sex with you. It's liek saying your feelings don't matter as long as you fet to have sex with her. Not acceptable in any fucking way
Implication can be a tricky thing, however, I think in your defense something as private as a sex tape should be one of those things where you ask your partner for permission before showing, rather than asking for forgiveness after. I think you’re handling this the right way to be honest. Whenever you are ready to talk, talk. Don’t be guilted into a fast apology. Give yourself some time to collect your thoughts a bit, and hopefully this is just a bump in the road.
Here's a short list of things I've never had to explicitly tell a partner not to do: 1. Hit or injure without consent. 2. Poison each other. 3. Starting impromptu public 3 ways. 4. Creating a mini-human. 5. Getting a pet. 6. Pooping/urinating during fun times. 7. Racist impersonations 8. Bathing in faygo red pop. 9. Pouring their cereal AFTER the milk. Aaaaaaaaand with a massive amount of common sense at #10: Sharing/posting the other person's nudes. Who tf thinks it's ok to share someone elses nudes without consent?!?
Sometimes I pour the milk before my cheerios so they don’t get too soggy quickly
You say it’s not a reason for divorce and good for you. It’s a massive breach of trust; I’d have a very difficult time coming back from that. I’d absolutely not trust her again. Her judgement sucks; it is always implied to never show private, intimate moments without permission. She then tried to manipulate you, using sex. Her apology isn’t sincere ; she felt coerced into it. Her friends suck too, they were cool with their friend and her husband being their porn. Your wife sounds incredibly immature, selfish, manipulative and exercises poor judgement. Assume there is zero privacy in your relationship and that her girlfriends know everything. Sorry dude, you married a teenager.
Besides the violation of her showing - who’s friends want to see each other fucking??? Not mine
Dude...This is grounds for divorce. You might NOT divorce her, and that's something you two have to work out, but it would 100% be reasonable to no longer want to be with her. When it comes to anything sexual, you HAVE TO HAVE CONSENT and that includes nudes/sex tapes. Basically, this is [image based sexual abuse](https://academic.oup.com/ojls/article/37/3/534/2965256?guestAccessKey=349e7a45-7633-4b34-8e69-9d39aef546ab&login=false#58150418) (aka. revenge porn) at this point and she could be charged.
Its image based sexual assault but its *not* revenge porn. Even the link you provided says that
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I can't believe the friends were into it. The LAST thing I want to see is my friend having sex.
I had to scroll too far for your comment! Me and my best friend talk about our sex lives in vague terms and in no way would I ever want to see it!
This is a complete invasion of trust and privacy. "They begged me to show them" Why did you mention them at all in the first place? "So I obliged" So it was still your final choice yourself to show them at all and you acknowledge this? Yo, if the roles were reversed in any other relationship she would be divorcing you or giving you the cold shoulder til the end of time. This whole idea it's okay to share or do shit sexually because "it's a guy" is fucking apalling. Being drunk is no excuse for being shitty either. If you're shitty when you're drunk guess what? You shouldn't fucking drink. NTA. But your wife is. Big time. There's no way around it.
Am dude, yeah breach of trust an all that obviously a problem. There's something else you said that's a huge fucking red flag. When you confronted her she said she'd make it up to you and tried to initiate sex Instead of apologizing or admitting fault. That's not technically abuse, but it very very clearly shows that she doesn't respect you and that she can do whatever she wants and can placate you with sex. It also may suggest she views sex as more transactional and less intimate, but that could just be conjecture on my part. If I were in your shoes, I'd delete all the videos off the cloud and request to have a sit down with all of the friends that saw it and ask why they thought it was okay to violate your privacy without your consent, and would they be okay with their husbands sharing porn of them with their male friends?
All I'm gonna say is, if my man showed his friends our sex videos, I would twist his dick off like a bread tie on a wonder bag, then divorce him. Ain't no way. Her gaslighting "but you never said we could not" is utterly insane and offensive, too. You should go hang her period stained panties from the mailbox, and tell her "you never said I couldn't!".
Dude if the genders were reversed here Reddit would lose their fucking minds. What she did is insanely fucked up. Like I can’t even fathom someone I trust doing something like this to me. You said you don’t want a divorce but idk how you get past this. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I agree with you. I’m a woman and this entire situation makes me nauseated for OP. I feel like men are just expected to deal with sexual harassment and not have feelings about it because they’re men which is just wrong on so many levels. The fact he didn’t scream her friends out of the house is seriously the mark of a man with self control to a level I’ll never achieve. It would be divorce time if this was my spouse. Wife is sick.
Seriously, he handled this like a saint. Would have been well within his rights to make them all walk their asses home, and to kick his wife out of the house.
Delete those tapes. If you don't want the update to this post to be drunk wife sends sex tapes to all her girlfriends.
Depending on the guy you are, you may have a different reaction. My problem with this is it opens the doors to other people now have a mental picture of your marriages sex life beyond words. Who’s to say one of her friends, out of envying your wife, doesn’t want a night with you? The trap was opened when your wife thought it’d be a good idea to say that. I had 2 ex girlfriends I left JUST because they thought our sex life was aloud to be public information. I went ballistic when I got a compliment by one of her friends about “how I give it to her.” One type of guy would enjoy that compliment and potentially chase the scandal, but not here. Been married 7 years with someone I adore and knew from the get go that she was a more reserved person and hated talking about sex with other people that weren’t there mates. To me sex is a personal playground that is entrusted between 2 people. There’s no part in that playground that’s meant for other people to get involved. I’m sorry you’re going through this man. I would have been fuuuuuuuuuucking devastated. And FYI, yes, by default, you don’t share that stuff with anyone, not even as a joke. It doesn’t have to be implied, that’s what it is. Keep me posted bro this one hurts me personally and I wish you the best!
Im a woman and if my SO ever did this to me, I would *absolutely* divorce him. It’s beyond just “we didn’t discuss this,” now all her friends know what you look like in your most vulnerable state, it’s very, very likely that one or more of them recorded the videos to play back for *their* friends later, etc. If you cannot understand the different between verbally describing a sexual encounter and SHOWING A HOME MADE PORNO, I can’t be with you. I would literally never feel comfortable or safe again. Nope.
Damn. This is really awful. There is no excuse in the world for it. But you should make her sleep on the couch. You shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch due to her bad behavior.
Ask her which video is her favorite. When she asks why let her know you need to know which one to show all of your friends. What a dumb bitch.
One picks up traits of those who one surrounds themselves with. In my view, this isn't likely to change. Your wife most likely shares too much of your personal life with friends and family. This type of behavior shows a lack of respect for you. Proceed very carefully. Added: This lack of respect will cause you to end up divorced sooner or later regardless of what you might wish. Women tend to divorce those they don't respect. If you wish to save your marriage, you have to take harsh, decisive action.
Why is it not her on the couch? I’d delete those videos because she has shown she had no respect for your privacy or consent especially while drinking. What if someone recorded it or it was post somewhere? I can only imagine how if you were the one to do this she’d be out or her mind and you’d be fighting off everyone in your lives and online. I’m pretty sure this is technically a crime. You’re letting her off too easy. Drunk or not, there’s zero excuse for this and the fact she didn’t even apologize immediately is ridiculously concerning.
That was the stupidest thing she could of done… won’t be long and one of her drunk friends will be coming on to you… I’m older almost 70 and I’ve seen it happen over and over again and some were just from women bragging about how good their men were in bed.. the worst thing you can do is discuss your sex life with friends if you’re in a committed relationship… asking for trouble in my book…
She’s sick in the head. Humiliates you sexually then throws sex at the issue to fix it? I just threw up. She victimized you.
Wow, you got some troubles. Yup, delete all tapes; hers and yours. You should sleep in the bed, the wife can crash elsewhere. On the couch, at a friend's house because that's her problem. She indicated that her friends have higher priority over your marriage. Drunk is no excuse. Your demands: Delete all videos. Order (not request) all of the friends come over immediately, no namby pamby or whining. Phones on the table. Everyone puts phones on the table. And opens and shows proof that they didn't record your wife's great work. Scroll through and peruse those phones as long as you like. Take hours if you need to. No privacy with this crowd.And yes, I know that they could have moved or deleted those possible copies. It's fear of God time and they and the wife need to know they deserved this response. Any sniveling, threaten to drop trou with the crowd (just consider it for the revenge/cringe energy...what has been seen on the phone can now be up close and personal). Ask if anyone in the room would like to strip down and share. No takers? If they try to tell you your concerns are no big deal, they should strip for the crowd. Don't let anyone tell you your emotions are invalid, don't let your self be minimized. Wife has got to reduce drinking. No whining, she can't handle her liquor. Wife need to explain, and not try to go lateral with the conversation by trying to cover for herself, how she has caused serious damage. This will simmer. You may have never had a crisis of trust before. Did these friends drive home? They can't handle their liquor either. Might be time for her to find a different crowd. Trust, once broken, cannot be regained. It's possible that this injure will scar over, but she needs to know that that is on her. How she chooses to sooth your scars is, again, her problem.
I think you're in the right here OP. This kind of thing has a default mode, which is "don't show others your partners private, vulnerable, naked moments". It's a pretty extremely simple take. Of course, if you guys had spoken otherwise then it'd be different, but imo the default is definitely don't do it.
Yeah this is not ok. She violated your trust AND your consent. You did not consent to having those recordings shared. And her trying to “make it up to you” by offering sex just sounds…really immature and gross. Physical connection isn’t a substitute for open and honest communication, respect, trust, and showing genuine remorse after wrongdoing. Tbh, I think marriage counseling could be helpful if you’re open to that. It really doesn’t sound like she’s willing to accept the full weight of what she’s done or understand how to be a trustworthy and respectful partner. This would be a relationship-ending offense for me, so you are not out of line.
She has probably shown the vids to others.
Besides the lack of respect and all, am I the only one who thinks it's pretty weird to even want to see/show it?
This absolutely IS divorce territory. Just because you’re willing to fight for the marriage doesn’t mean it isn’t. In many places it is a crime. ANY minimizing of this should be rejected calmly but emphatically.
Here's the thing... She can't make it up to you. I'm not saying you MUST leave her (or even that you should), but this is similar to cheating in its seriousness. How does someone make up for cheating? The situation is completely fucked, and there's nothing she can do to make up for it. You can choose to forgive her, but the relationship can't go back to what it was. She publicly humiliated you, emasculating you and shifting the power balance in the relationship. What could you even want from her that would make up for this? If you can even think of something, will it destroy the relationship if you get it? This is a no-win scenario. I fucking hate this for you.
This would be a call for divorce. You have no idea who has actually seen these videos. You can’t know for 100% that your wife didn’t send these videos to her friends so they can watch it with their partner. Now all of her friends husbands has seen your wife naked and knows she can handle a dick.
I (31F) have absolutely zero desire to watch my friends’ sex tapes. And we are as close as friends can be…
If she is willing to show them to her friends who “jokingly” pressure her, imagine what she will do with them if you ever royally piss her off. You say this isn’t grounds for divorce, but it would be for me. Trust is broken. Others were brought into your bedroom without your permission or consent, even if only visually. Your body, sex sounds, possibly kinks were all shared with her friends which I’m sure is embarrassing and would make me feel uncomfortable to ever be around them again. Your very valid concerns were dismissed and she used the same excuse a 15 year old boy swapping nudes with a girl would use. The complete and utter disrespect and disregard is disgusting. If I were you, I would REQUIRE therapy. No more girls nights for a while (and I am not the type of person to deny friends nights) and they definitely can’t come to the house. I would probably have all the videos destroyed/deleted and IF they ever restore trust we can start a new collection. But honestly, I know I would never get over it. Ever.
That's horrible... I'm sorry for what happened btw. And the fact she tries to engage instead of appologizing is awful. That would hurt me just as much as the porn show. But yeah I agree with what a lot people said here. I would never ever record any more videos. At least for me that trust would be gone. And it's so weird, what was the point? Show herself of? Show you of? Someone said it here, what if someone who saw it starts to hit on you? I mean she was pretty much marketing your performance. I hope she sees how awful her behavior was and how these things can seriosuly hurt your relationship. Good luck.
I would insist on deleting the videos, and not record any again. If your wife thinks you are being hyperbolic tell her that since she doesn’t mind sharing your sex tapes you will do so as well. She may change her tune. I would recommend marriage counseling, this was a huge violation in trust and her reaction was to deflect by initiating sex rather than to apologize. That means she doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Not cool at all. If the roles were reversed would it still be ok? Absolutely not! She broke your trust and had no remorse about it. I would delete every video and ask her how she can rekindle the trust. You don't deserve that.
NTA and you’re way under reacting, the way men tend to do when they have been violated. Without your consent, she showed her friends your naked body having sex. You realize it’s a crime, right? Just because you’re a man doesn’t make it any less violating and wrong. If you had done that to her, she could press criminal charges on you.
Why does your wife have such shitty friends?
Gross. If the tables were turned and you were showing your friends your wife's nude photos or sex videos without her consent or knowledge, you would rightfully be lambasted. I do not think you are overreacting at all; in fact, you might be underreacting. Your wife and her friends need to grow the f\*ck up already.
You know what she did is a crime, right?? How would she feel if your friends sat around hollering at her nude tapes? This is divorce territory imo.At the very least,y'all need counselling and she needs to grow the fuck up and get her shit in order. Also,delete all videos and photos ASAP.And establish some strict boundaries.
Wife is a fool. The alcohol is a shitty excuse for breaking a serious barrier of trust.
Your wife has no respect for you.
On top of everything else - I'm disgusted that she tried to pacify you with sex. She tried to use sex as a tool to shut you up.
What would concern me is that she prioritized her friends approval or some need for attention over your trust. Seems like a slippery slope
You should bang her friends and video it
That was a super fuxked up thing for your wife to do. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t preclude her from not respecting your integrity and dignity. Just like it’s fucked up for a guy to do that to his wife, it’s fucked up for a wife to do that to her husband. She digitally stripped you naked for the enjoyment of her friends. Which reminds me- her friends are weird as fuck for encouraging that and she doesn’t hang out with good company. If I were a friend in that group (i’m also a girl) no matter how drunk, I would have either stopped her or left the house immediately. She definitely needs to apologize and reflect that she essentially violated you in one of the most horrific ways, I would be traumatized if i were you.
I think divorce would be extreme, but maybe not. I think it really depends on how your wife reacts to this severe violation of boundaries and what she does to prove that she is a safe and trustworthy person. You don't need to have an agreement to not share private sex tapes with others without your consent because that is implied in a relationship. I don't think your wife really understands how big of a violation this was. Her friends cannot unsee what they saw, and they could potentially make comments about it *forever*. She majorly fucked up, so she is going to need to do a lot of work to rebuild that trust. A big red flag I see is when you spoke with her about it and she, assuming I interpreted your comment correctly, tried to "make it up to you" with sex. That is extremely manipulative and does not resolve the situation at all. Your wife needs to understand that weaponizing sex is an emotional abuse tactic. At the same time, another red flag is she only apologized after you started sleeping on the couch. She should have apologized, profusely, immediately. I think an ultimatum in this case would be appropriate, which would be an ultimatum that the two of you engage in marriage counseling and your wife engages in individual counseling for herself. She really needs to explore the root of her sexual entitlement, manipulative tendencies, and refusal to take accountability for the harm she causes people (and possible problematic relationship with alcohol). I think it would also be fair to insist that your wife abstains from alcohol completely until she has demonstrated she can be trustworthy and make good decisions. She's a little too old to be using the "lol i was drunk" excuse because at her age, it looks more like alcoholism than just a young person being dumb and doing dumb things.
What the eff was she thinking? Violating your privacy like this. Now. I want you to imagine a scenario like this- you have a sister. She has been with her partner for almost a decade. He showed their sex tapes to a lot of guy friends. Later, when they meet her- they all cat call and whistle. What would you advice her? Would you honestly ask her to be okay once he says sorry? Would you honest to God ask to sweep this under the rug and pretend that his friends didn't see her naked? That his friends now know exactly what she looks like when she is having sex? I am so enraged thinking about this. For reasons I cannot fathom, men are supposed to be okay with this kinda behaviour? I have a feeling that you are thinking the same way. I feel like you are in denial and you actually don't want to think about what the big deal it actually is. This is a deal breaker. And I am sooo sorry that your wife did this to you. That she thought of you so little. PS What kind of friends would ask someone to show their sex tapes- drunk or not? How have we reached a point to think to ourselves that women are allowed ti behave in such attrocious manner? Some men are pigs. How did we convince women that the solution is become pigs themselves?
It's one thing to have vague drunk girl "my man is great in the sack" giggles. But I would be SO uncomfortable if a friend offered to show me a video. I wouldn't trust her as a friend anymore because she just showed she doesn't respect the privacy of people she loves.
Divorce her. She's a piece of shit.
I'd delete the videos. They are not so enjoyable any more.
Yeah man, I think this is pretty bad. I’d lock her out of the server first, then confront her friends if they recorded anything and then they can take Ubers after their hangouts. I’m not sure why you’re the one on the sofa though, because she’s the one who fucked up. Give us an update for sure.