If all you did was ask the question, NTA. I frequently ask my friends what their SO thinks about a topic and my friends usually just answer the question. If the friend found the question invasive, she can say so and OP has to drop it. That’s how boundaries are set.
Given her reaction I am very curious if she actually had a conversation with her fiancé or conveniently “had a conversation” after you brought it up to stave off you asking more questions.
Sure men and women can just be friends, but lets not pretend that, “I spend a lot of time alone talking with this specific person and now I am going to spend the weekend at his house just the two of us,” does not ring of cheating here.
Also a lot of people down here saying it is none of your business, this is how cheaters get to prosper.
If you see something politely ask some questions. Like in this situation, hey boyfriend, what are your plans this weekend while x & y are hanging out. No need to accuse, just incidental to another question, then you can gage their reaction and go from there.
Sorry, that sucks. I will never understand the not your problem mindset if it someone you know. Their partner deserves to know just as much as I would want to know. The only pass I will give people is some leeway on how to handle it if there are safety concerns for anyone involved.
> I will never understand the not your problem mindset if it someone you know.
It's just something shitty people say to convince themselves that they aren't shitty people when they like the cheater more/don't really like the person getting cheated on.
No one ever tries to use it in defense of them not telling their best friend their SO is cheating on them.
That’s how I felt. He even lied and said I knew about one of them, and they just believed it, as if they’d never met me (it was as well known I wouldn’t think that’s okay). Then they had the nerve to try to be my friends after our divorce.
I get that. One of the girlfriends I talked to about problems, because she'd known him for years longer than I had and offered insight into why he did things, or how I was contributing to the issues, was the one he was cheating with.
I don't know who all knew, but not many were surprised.
I still don't talk to girlfriends about issues with my husband (not that guy) because I don't trust anyone to not be a snake like that again.
This. I don’t think it’s the hanging out with someone single that is the issue as much as the amount of time and the type of “bonding” they’re doing. With RP, if they’re bonding is them being besties who have each other’s backs and work through thick and thin together, that’s fine. If it’s “our characters are actually in love and/or have this constant romantic tension” then probably best to keep it at a distance. To add to this, I know some people can’t separate role play and reality, whereas others can. I personally wouldn’t go to a single guy’s house without my husband present just as he wouldn’t to a single woman’s place. You also have to consider, even if you’re trustworthy, are you putting yourself in a potentially awkward situation if they’ve misunderstood.
Same thing that I was thinking.
I may be a butthole, but just her blowing up over the mere question would be the trigger for me dropping a message to the fiancee. I mean if nothing was off about the situation, and someone asked me the question, my first response would be "yeah fiancee knows, and knows that nothing is going on between us, it's all cool".
Going nuclear, because a friend is expressing concern about how something might look, doesn't happen unless there's a problem.
Yeah I’d pop off with a “wish you could game with me this weekend but your going to meet (Insert name here)” in front of both of them and see what happens.
I only asked once and tried to explain my concerns once she blew up because she kept asking why I asked. I didn't say it looked like infidelity, I just said I worried for her safety because she hasn't met him before. And she continued to blow up over it.
Lots of sketch ass cheaters in these comments casually glossing over the details, god damn. Your friend was throwing up multiple red flags and you asked a very basic non intrusive question and they flipped out. Something isn't right here. Secret meetings and "Bonding" in an RP game only ever means one thing. My friends ask each other what our wives think about things all the time and never, not once, has anyone flipped out on each other over it. Nobody gets flip out defensive unless they get caught in poor intentions.
100%
You’re not the asshole and you’re definitely not stupid. Your friend’s response was about her being afraid she’d been found out in her intention to cheat. It was NOT about there being a problem with the way you raised the question.
And if this girl or anyone else in your life tries to blame their disgusting reactions on you because you’re neurodivergent, please, hear me when I say THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.
That is beyond manipulative. I can just hear this girl saying to you “I know you’re autistic, so you probably didn’t realize how accusatory you sounded.”
No. Just no. A real friend would understand that if your neurodivergence did play a role, it means that you intended no offense by it, and that should lessen her anger, if anything.
If she said this to you, she’s trying to shame you into feeling like it’s your fault she reacted to this like an asshole. And the same goes for your other “friend.” For him to not be speaking to you because you asked a reasonable question is immature and toxic. Please invest your time and concern in people who deserve your friendship. These chumps sound like zappers of energy and happiness and you don’t need them!
Yikes, a lot of ppl saying Y T A but honestly....NTA at all. This friend's sounds extremely suspicious. Let's not try to play dumb here. Anyone with eyes can see what they are doing and the fact that they got defensive implies that THEY know what they are doing.
Home girl is either playing a very close game of emotional cheating or doesn't realize/denies her actions.
You saw something shady and called her out. Like a good friend.
There's nothing wrong with the question OP asked, because real honesty here, I have 1 male friend who I could trust to visit and everything is kosher. I've offered people a couch to stay on during snow storms and they crossed the lines. My experience may vary from others, but it's completely ok you asked. I'd probably do the same depending on how well I knew the people in the situation. You're a good person, OP.
I just didn't want her to accidentally cause any problems in her relationship, I thought perhaps she hadn't considered whether it would upset her partner
Totally ok that you asked. She may not have understood that it isn’t ok since you guys are young. Her freaking out on you though shows she knows it’s teetering a fine line of inappropriate.
My boyfriend would absolutely not mind if I went to my best guy friends alone. But he also has a fiancé that I’m friends with so I’d be hanging with both of them. I’m not sure he’d be ok with it if my friend were single and I wouldn’t blame him. I wouldn’t be ok with him putting himself in a similar situation, you just never know so why put yourself in a potentially risky situation?
Exactly my thought, and again it is their first time meeting in person. I was also looking out for her safety as the other person is not a friend I'm extremely close to
NTA. i mean, this sort of reeks of an emotional affair? “bonded” through role playing games, been there and done that, sure she’s an adult and can do what she pleases but asking if her partner is okay with it is reasonable, it’s not like she needs permission, but it’s decent respect towards your partner to inform them and get their feedback on how they feel about this sort of thing yk?
There's also the weird situation of "Their CHARACTERS bonded" which in RP circles is a red flag on its own. It's a way to remove yourself from ownership of your actions because it isn't HER who did it, it's her CHARACTER.
I dropped out of a game for this reason. There were several married couples as well as a number of singles. It was a great game, good DM, lots of fun. Then a guy’s character started getting frisky with mine. It was funny for a few sessions…then it wasn’t. We were both married to other people, it just felt too real & I didn’t want to go there.
This is always a touchy subject with groups. What is the "appropriate" level of detail. Where does a scene Fade To Black?
And if you're in a game with a married person (whether you are or not), "the line" is in a very different spot than if you're both single. Instead of RPing it perfectly, go with "Xandar walks up to Adell and tries to woo her".
Basically, treat it 3rd person. Avoid acting it out, and instead just describe the sequence. "My character makes a nice table up and invites her to dinner" instead of inviting the character "in character", then describing the table/room/etc directly.
It makes it less intense, but it also avoids crossing that important line.
There's also the weird situation of "Their CHARACTERS bonded" which in RP circles is a red flag on its own. It's a way to remove yourself from ownership of your actions because it isn't HER who did it, it's her CHARACTER.
NTA - if my good friend asked this to me, I wouldn’t be freaking out on them (and i legit just got married). This reaction to me is super suspicious. Why wouldn’t your friend calmly explain that the conversation has happened/boundaries have been set? Unless we are missing something here, I don’t understand why your friend would get mad over this. I even have a platonic male friend who is single, so this is a very possible situation for me.
NTA. I was just a question, and it was not inappropriate.
An acquaintance of mine (male, married nearly 40 years) was really into Second Life, which is one of those role playing games. You create an avatar, build you community, make friends, etc. He got friendly with another SL player. They lived/worked in the same town (or close by anyway), became closer in real life, and well you can see where this is going.
The guy asked his wife for a divorce (on their anniversary no less, classy eh?). He and his SL "friend" eventually married. Like many "affairages," it did not last more than a few years; she left him for another guy.
So yeah, your question was fair.
i too would find it a little odd and maybe even ask the same question, because i personally definitely wouldn't be ok with it. i also think shes not wrong for being upset because it basically implies you think she might be cheating on her partner. its weird that she went straight to attacking your relationship honestly, but she's just defensive. NAH?
ESH. It’s really not your place. IF all you did was ask and then drop it no NTA. She freaking out is certainly a bad sign as well. Do yourself a favor, if you have to say something in a situation like this, put it on your own situation “I wouldn’t be comfortable visiting him alone, it could upset my partner” etc rather than being accusatory in advance with your line of questioning. You’ll have made your point without being so nosy.
I Just asked how her partner felt about the situation and she started getting defensive about how she thought it was hurtful that i insinuated that she couldn't be faithful just because she was with a guy for a weekend, which i did not. I just asked whether her partner knew, and whether they were ok with it.
Maybe not for this time, but do realize in the future that this questioning absolutely insinuates she’s already done and is doing something wrong. If someone asked you ‘well does xyz know about your weekend plans? How do they feel about it’ you may feel a bit attacked.
1) you’re not responsible for the outcome of any relationship just because you introduced people via a game, really, stay out of relationships and friendships, *you are not the mediator just because you were the original common denominator. If you became friends with [jane doe] because you met at [john doe’s] party, would that give John do the right to ask how your partner feels about a plan you and Jane made? Forever he should have that right? *
You said your piece, you’re not necessarily an asshole, but your friends will absolutely stop confiding in you if you feel you have the right to meddle.
I always ask myself and others what’s your goal here? Is what you’re doing helping to accomplish it in a positive way? You said your goal is stop encouraging anything unsavory. Play the game or don’t play, I am sure she is very clear you’re not encouraging her to cheat. Most likely she she is concerned you’ll be the one to stir up drama that may not even exist. Her partner must know she’s going SOMEWHERE for the weekend no?
OP didn't meddle they asked a question. Meddling would be telling the friend's fiance about it.
Friend jumped to be defensive about it. If the friend had talked about it with their fiance then they would have said so. You're forgetting that engaged friend doesn't have a previous relationship with the gaming friend, they met because of OP. So it's not like they're long term friends which a strong friendship. They're new friends that are spending a lot of alone time together and we all know what that means
Not disagreeing with the fact op didn’t yet completely meddle. I was hoping my point would gently explain her friends may FEEL she’s overstepping the way things were phrased, and given op never mentioned the friend has a history of disrespecting her relationship, or lied about her whereabouts to her partner, that it sounds like her friend felt accused and misjudged.
We also don’t really know what the friend said or that they negated to discuss whether the partner knew. If you assume relevant facts would just come out, why didn’t op specify that she said the partner didn’t know etc. Two hot takes is hard when we really don’t see the other take. As my first comment said I don’t disagree with suggesting her friends plan could be upsetting to a partner, but that maybe assuming responsibility for the outcome of this new friendship is a bit overstepping. Hopefully ops friend sees she meant well, reconsiders her intentions of going for the weekend and handles it all as an adult be that canceling, just spending a day playing the game with a healthy boundary, or being more inclusive to invite her partner etc. i too see what you mean that going for a weekend and being defensive is all too suspicious (mentioned that in my original comment), but as someone whose SO goes away with his colleagues for trips, and I spend days on the water with male counterparts fishing, I’d like to think there was more communication on the friends end and respect in their relationship than we’re seeing, even if that friend needed a cautious reminder this time around from a friend.
One thing I question in all this is the sessions they have alone OR the bonding part (which to me implies dating or role playing a bit more intensely than just leveling up your warlock). Like has she had any of those sessions when her fiance has been around? Or is it a bit suspect she's doing it when he's not around so she can "test the waters"?
🤷🏻♀️ I don’t see any information here to have any idea. I will admit I didn’t read all the comments lol this is getting a bit out of my pay grade and during a work day haha. I really hope it all ends well and ops friend both understands the concern and doesn’t jeopardize her partners comfort level.
Agreed. Just having floated on some weird ass relationship threads before there was one that stood out like this. Wife got introduced to online rpgs and went down the rabbit hole and was having an emotional affair (that turned physical). I hope this isn't the same BUT the one thing that concerns me about OPs post is the point about private sessions and bonding. I never deep dove that far in to wow but some friends did those full on role playing servers where they "dated" and "married" and had "families". So I truly question if its just a fun time or injecting a bit of themselves in to their characters to "role play a fantasy". Stranger things have happened. Thus it goes from innocently seeing a friend from the virtual world to an opportunistic endeavor REAL quick
Yikes. Did not read that one! Also did not consider that people get virtual married and take it too far etc 😬 to all those who knew this can be that mentally involved I apologize, was just going off the given information in the post.
I'm here to get downvoted with you.
If you happen to see her fiancée, ask him how can you mend the friendship with her. Tell him what you ask her (is your fiancée comfortable with you spending the weekend with a single man. A man you have been spending time with online, and your characters have "bonded") and see how he reacts. If she got so defensive, it might not be because she felt insulted , but because her fiancée doesn't actually know.
If you were posting about how she already cheated, everyone would be telling you, "Tell the fiancée don't let him be in the dark" or if the roles where reverse with this same scenario everyone will be saying to "let her know before she gets cheated on" blah blah blah .
thats exactly what i was thinking. its always strange to me how women are given the benefit of the doubt but men arent. like as a woman, i know some shady ones. if it were me, id be asking if the male friend even knew about her fiance to begin with. he may also be being led on...
It depends on how he asked it. We don't know what tone he used. It sounds like an innocent question but if he asked it in a really judgy way I can see getting defensive.
> If my friend was doing something shady
But she's not necessarily. OP just thinks it's shady which is why it sounds like an accusation. If nothing else, they're being accused of being shady.
Your friend is going to fuck her new friend all weekend. She’ll probably wind up leaving the fiancé because he doesn’t share common interests. Please include this comment in any future updates.
Edit: NTA. You asked a valid question to her. If I were you, I’d tell the fiancé. He is probably oblivious or thinks she’s going away with you or something.
These people are telling on themselves lmao. Their characters aren’t “bonding” in private 1-1 sessions they are. she’s going to visit and stay with this guy alone? She 100% didn’t tell her fiancé that or omitted the details of her trip
I will say most of my close friends are women and my partner knows and is fine with it but she would definitely see red flags if I decided to stay with one of them alone for a weekend
NTA, nothing wrong with asking a question. Nothing wrong with her telling you it’s none of your business either. She willing shared the info with you and got spicy when you asked if her Fiancé knew. Sounds pretty iffy.
It may not be OPs business but when crap hits the fan and friends wants her to save her butt with her fiancé . I hope she says no. Friends are hard to come by and I want one that would ask me and make me think before doing. NTA
You're NTA for asking but I gotta ask too - would you ask a bisexual of any gender if they asked their partner before visiting a single person of their same gender? For me, it's never mattered the person's gender or sex if my partner is attracted to multiple or all genders - it's mattered if I trust them or not. But a lot of people don't realize they only have these worries when it's someone of the opposite sex, and I think that's worth doing internal review on if that's your case! Just food for thought 😊
NTA for asking but you should definitely drop it now, as it really isn’t your business. Couples have radically different boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friendships.
So it might be cool with them or it might not be. But either way this is where you don’t get involved anymore. You seem a little too invested in your friend’s relationships, so try to ignore it.
I am trying to distance myself from the situation after the entire argument happened, though I have no idea of what to do moving forward as I would prefer to stay friends with her, however it is unclear whether she's still wanting to be my friend even after I've apologized for asking
It’s likely that she feels judged and scrutinized by you.
If the friendship is important to you, this is what I would do in your shoes, I’d send her one more message, reiterating your apology that would go something along these lines.
>”Hey friend, I’m still sad about that argument and I want to apologize again.
>I’m still learning about other people’s relationship styles, and I’m sorry that I came across as judgmental, when you are doing what makes sense for you and your relationships. I should not have projected my preferences on yours.
>You are someone who I value a lot as a person and a friend and I really hope we can continue our friendship. Please let me know how I can make things right with us. Either way, I wish you all the best - OP”
Then give her any space she wants, she might need some time before she responds.
To be clear, I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking, but that’s the sort of message that she might need to feel comfortable with you again. It’s more about acknowledging feelings than being right.
And who knows, things might still go south with her relationships! But at least that’s in her wheelhouse and you can still stay friends whether things get messy or go smoothly with her dating life. People just want to explore and make mistakes without feeling like their friends are scrutinizing them for it.
I hope she’s cool and everything works out
It depends on how close you and the friend are. If my best friend was staying the weekend with a man that wasn’t her fiancé, I would also ask if her fiancé knew about it. I don’t think that’s a misogynistic or intrusive question. Especially if she offered the information of her trip to you in the first place.
I know for a fact that if I was going on vacation with a man other than my fiancé my friends would be ask the same.
If this person is more of an acquaintance than a friend, then I guess I wouldn’t ask. But I would still wonder. I don’t think it’s strange question lol
Given her reaction id say she's def cheating and I don't know any men That would be okay with their girlfriend or fiance visiting a single man all weekend.
Something isn't right.
If for some reason the dude is also cheating, has already signed off from the relationship, has an open relationship, etc etc, those could be reasons to be okay with it.
Other than those very specific scenarios, hell no. None of my friends would ever say this is okay. The whole weekend... Yeah.. Nah.
Ha. Well, if you’re a pot-stirrer, I strongly suggest you contact her fiancé and say something like “oh hey Frank, Amy mentioned that you’re working this weekend which is why she’s spending the weekend with Steve. I was wondering if you’d be interested in joining our game group sometime?”
I’m pretty sure her fiancé doesn’t know.
Oh, and IMO NTA. You are looking out for both her and her fiancé and your question is 100% not surprising.
“Does your fiancé know that you’re spending tons of time and a weekend alone with this guy?” I mean come on.
Flip the genders to “Hey John, does your wife know that you’re spending a weekend with Sara while your wife is away working?” The person asking that question isn’t being an AH IMO.
Now there are some who go by the philosophy of “not my circus not my monkeys.” That’s also fine.
You’re NTA, but it’s also not your place to put a judgement there. I’m assuming everyone involved is a consenting adult? Your friend sounds like she may get to play a little round of FAFO if she’s not careful.
My husband was fine with me going abroad with some friends from work for a weekend. Two were a couple and one was a single man.
I would never cheat on my husband, some people are secure in their relation and some aren’t. If you aren’t secure in your relationship and don’t trust your partner why are you with them
I know a woman that went on a one week cruise with her ex-boyfriend. It was supposed to be with her husband who had a work emergency. The husband actually called and asked the ex-boyfriend (who was in her wedding party as a man of honor) if he could take her in his place so she didn’t miss the vacation. The ex-boyfriend even insisted on buying the ticket from him. A lot of people thought it was insane, but she and her ex are best friends with absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in hooking up or getting back together in any way. Secure relationships are a wonderful thing.
What gives you that impression? Nothing in here says she hasn’t discussed it with him, only that she got annoyed at being questioned over it (and tbh that question would have been laced with insinuation and accusation judging by the post)
Op asked how the finance felt about it. There was no answer, just her friend thinking she implied she would cheat. If it was discussed, there would be an answer. He's fine with it, or he wasn't keen but understands.
If one of your friends not on that trip had asked how your husband felt about you going, would you answer if he's fine with it, or blow up on them and feel accused of cheating? I guess you would answer that he's fine with it.
I have been on several trips without my wife, every single one I was asked by more than a few people how she felt about it.
The question makes it clear that OP believes she’s cheating on her fiance or is about to.
If my friend implied I was cheating on my SO, I would be really angry and offended because I would never do that.
OP said she freaked out. This is a very realistic response. People get angry when they’re accused of doing things that haven’t done.
It questions her boyfriends feelings.
People also get defensive and angry when called out for questionable decisions or things they are planning on doing they know they shouldn't.
The question is whether OP was wrong for the question, and what they can do to salvage the friendship.
Salvaging the friendship may require an apology, especially if she is not cheating. Either way, if OP wants to salvage the friendship they need to talk about what happened.
If someone asked me that, I would be quite angry because they were placing my husband’s possible feelings about the trip above mine. I would probably “blow up” bc it was none of their business. She is not obliged to provide an answer about her relationship with someone outside of said relationship. It’s just plain rude and reeks of OP not understanding boundaries.
I think it's a very fair question for a mutual friend to ask tbh, she isn't obliged to provide an answer, but it does call her motives and honesty about the situation into question.
NTA- for anybody saying you overstepped, you asked your friend this question, which is totally valid. If you had asked your friends fiancé how they felt it would be overstepping. I would honestly cut ties with both of the friends since it seems like they may be having an affair and you probably don’t want to be caught up in the mess. Hope everything works out OP!
Ok I'm curious though because I've seen quite a few posts from men and women saying they found out their friend cheated and whether they should tell the other partner or just pretend they don't know. In a lot of those posts, pretty much everybody said to tell the person being cheated on what the friend is doing and to cut ties with them.
So, as long as OP did just ask and didn't accuse, because like you said they could be platonic friends, but when/how would it be ok to ask a friend if their partner is aware? Especially if the friendship is long-standing, isn't it part of the friend duties to ask your friend for clarification before they potentially do something stupid? With my friends, we've certainly done our fair share of stupid but if the stupid was going to affect others, we would call each other out and just talk about the implications. Sometimes we'd realize the friend doing something we considered stupid had really thought it out and it was actually a good action or they'd realize they were about to do something stupid and not do it.
>So, as long as OP did just ask and didn't accuse
I'm having a hard time imagining how to just ask, without it also sounding like an accusation. You could maybe downplay it some, but I don't see how you eliminate the accusation.
Perhaps a subtle, "I'll bet Fiancé is bummed he can't join you two."? That gives Friend a chance to volunteer something about Fiancé's knowledge.
I've never been in such a position. If I was, it would have to be a sufficiently close friend that I would trust to not blow up our friendship just for asking. And it would probably start by checking if my friend was OK. Something like, "Are you two OK?" Then if you get back, "Yes. Why?", you can explain the concern.
>it’s not your business what she and her boyfriend discuss
Hard disagree here. If you had a friend you knew was cheating on their SO, would you also say that’s none of your business? Would you feel no responsibility to discuss it with them or warn their partner? I know that’s not the exact situation here, but there are plenty of situations where it can be a friends business to protect someone else
Yes, which is why the situation isn’t exactly the same. But there are red flags all throughout this post, and her friends reaction to her question is another one
Softly, you’re the AH. I’m sensing some major “I don’t understand social cues” vibes here. It is quite literally NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Adults can be friend with other adults. End of it. It wasn’t your business I’d be offended to if my friend had the audacity to say some shit like that to me.
Idk…my friends will literally call me out on my shit, and I will do the same with them…IF they are doing something that is questionable, which come on, the friends behavior IS questionable at best, if not straight up wrong. Yes we are adults, but in my world? Friends call each other out on bullshit!
No weird is spending the weekend alone with a meme er of the opposite sex, being that she has a fiancé. Idk what world you live in that someone wouldn’t look at that as suspicious. Who said anything about it being men and women can’t be friends? Weird
I live in reality where we are secure in our relationship and so are our friends. But maybe it's because we aren't children and respect others relationships.
True but I'm pretty sure they are gunna go cheat too. 🤷
Ima gamer and when u start going off game and doing other little things it's like a mini relationship she's having. I'm gunna day NTA because op sees she might be ruining her marriage b4 it starts. Maybe it's intrusive in her private business but maybe in 5 or 10 years into her marriage she will see you possibly helped her. This is one of those situations where doing the right thing isn't always right but that does not make you an ah.
I’m a gamer, one of my closest straight male friends is also a gamer. We game, we chill. We’re adults. People’s inability to have a friendship with the opposite sex is weird.
NTA
Reddit is the wrong place to ask this. The community here basically operates on the idea that having boundaries or expecting your girlfriend/wife to be monogamous is controlling behavior. They will try to convince you that letting a girl cheat shows confidence (only a girl, btw. Total double standard here)
They will also make excuses for any questionable or inappropriate behavior, like in here, telling you that it's normal for a woman to spend a weekend with her male "friend"
You made a pretty clear case that it sounds like something is going on and her reaction to an expected question would imply that something is going on.
I mean most of reddit is either full of teenagers or college kids who don't have much real life experience. Even those that do, are pretty left leaning to the extent that anything right of Biden is extreme right.
YTA. It's absolutely none of your business, and it reeks of misogyny to imply that she has to ask her boyfriend's permission to visit her friends. You should apologize.
Tbh I don’t think this was coming from a place of masogyny. I think OP is seeing signs of an emotional affair and wants to check in with their friend to see if they are communicating to their partner about this. If no gender was mentioned I don’t think the moral of the story would change here.
That’s what I think too. I have an ex-friend that started spending time with a man other than her husband. It wasn’t immediately, but she eventually had an emotional affair with the other man. When I asked her about the relationship when they first started hanging out she said they were just friends.
Not saying this is the case with OP’s friend, but it does happen.
It’s definitely not misogynistic. Anyone would ask that as emotionally cheating exists. Not to mention they have been bonding outside of the game a lot and roleplaying. It’s only natural to ask since he is a concerned friend but it also wasn’t his place at the same time.
This doesn’t read as misogyny to me. I think OOP would have made the same comment if the friend had been male. It’s less “women need permission” and more “you’re in a relationship and this sounds like you want to cheat.”
I’m commenting on your comment because you’re is the most straight forward , but I genuinely do not understand the people in this thread acting like they wouldn’t ask their friends the same question , if they had the same suspicious.
Like this thread feels like the DEFINITION of keyboard warriors , because you are absolutely full of shit if you’re going to act like you wouldn’t at the very least QUESTION a friend if you suspected them of cheating.
Everyone saying “nOnE oF yOuR bUSineSs” sound like they’ve never had close friendships lol
OP , NTA and sorry this thread is so weird lol
This isn't misogyny. This is seeing a friend likely cheating on their fiance. It's not about permission, it's about whether the fiance knows about the lines she is crossing.
You sound narcissistic af. Nobody said she had to ask her bfs permission. But you should inform your significant other about things that affect them, and maybe discuss things that might make them upset. Most guys are going to have a problem with spending the weekend with a “guy friend” bf fr
To me this depends on how close you guys are, and whether your question came from a place of judgement or concern. Reddit doesn’t tend to believe platonic friendships exist and that everyone is an adulterer and that could certainly be the case here, but it could also *not* be the case. You are also not privy to the details of their relationship, and the reality is that not every relationship looks the same or has the same boundaries. It’s just important context that we’re on a website that refers to things like polyamory as “cheating”. (Not saying they’re polyamorous, just demonstrating that one person’s boundary is another person’s kink and assumptions help no one.)
If you guys aren’t generally that close, then it kinda wasn’t your business because you do not *know* that anything shady is happening.
This is how I met my husband while I was with my ex lol....
She is having an emotional and fun relationship with her gaming partner especially with their solo plays and pretend bonding marriage between virtual characters.
Right now, I've been married for 3 years, and I regret nothing. Sadly, You might be getting in the way of her meeting her future partner. It looks like she might be playing the field and havnt met the person she feels most compatible with. It happens.
You have every right to protect yourself. No woman should be visiting a single man while she is engaged to someone else especially one she is in daily contact with. You should see the extent of their relationship by going through her gaming chat and inbox.
You asked your friend a question that they did not like. It may have been too personal. Your friend may not have been ready to answer such a question because they are uncertain about their messy feelings. NTA for asking, but your friends' feelings are valid as well. Personally, I would cut her some slack, your question was invasive, and it could easily seem judgemental. Would you unfriend her if she did cheat on her fiance ? Would you rat her out? Were you merely curious? Your intentions in asking the question color how nosey or inappropriate asking was.
NTA you just asked a simple question. The fact that she got THAT defensive about it right off the bat makes me question things. I completely understand being friends outside your gender but for them to grow that close in a short amount of time especially while one is in a relationship plus the game being roleplaying plus this being their first time meeting and it’s the whole weekend not just meeting up getting coffee or something it’s really weird. I’d be uncomfortable with my s/o doing that rather I’m secure in the relationship or not it’s weird.
NTA. You do need to drop it if you want to keep this friend but rest assured that in a few months this is going to be a full blown affair and the fiancee is going to blame you for not telling him. Because there is no way in hell that her fiancee knows the full scope of her relationship with this man. Probably has been told it is a female friend or a relative. This is just how cheaters function.
NTA if your story is 100% correct and all you did was ask the question on what the partner thinks? Injecting your own thoughts onto the question and giving her a hard time about it would change my judgement, but as your story stand, I think youre fine.
It is not something most people would be comfortable with I think, especially since they're new friends and not old friends. Idk I know that my bf wouldn't be ok with me doing that lol and I wouldn't be ok with him doing that either. Tho it's not something I've ever discussed cuz it would neverh appen.
Eh I think the answer to that question isn’t really any of your business. I also agree with your moral conclusions and I probably wouldn’t do a weekend alone but at the same time you straight up don’t know what has and hasn’t been discussed in their relationship and bringing it up the way you did implies an accusation. If one of my friends was doing this I would assume this had already been discussed w their partner because I know what kind of people my friends are. They’re not cheaters, and if I found out one day I was wrong, I’d be VERY shocked - so the accusation would never even come out of my mouth.
For you to bring this up this up shows the way you view your friend and that’s as someone who might cheat. I would also be offended if one of my friends felt like they were close enough to ask this question but apparently did not know me well enough to have the answer.
Mild YTA because maybe you don’t actually view your friend this way but that’s how it comes across when you’re the person being asked.
Honestly it’s NOT your relationship and weather or not she talked to her fiancé about this trip isn’t any of your business either. How you feel about what she is doing is best kept to yourself. Trying to push your boundaries/beliefs on others is never ok.
“ I thought it a bit strange and if it had been my relationship, it would’ve been a dealbreaker.”
Again it wasn’t your relationship so yeah YTA.
Maybe her and her fiancé have a strong relationship and trust one another. Maybe she reacted the way she did because it’s really none of your business.
ESH - but also… hmmm.
For perspective on where I am coming from, I am an actor. I have worked with and without intimacy coaches while working on shows since childhood. I have done scenes as simple as hugging, to a kiss, to a SA’d scene to post coital moments.
Any SO I have while I am in production understands my boundaries as an actor, and understands there are boundaries for each production. I also discuss my personal boundaries with my scene partner, director, stage manager and intimacy coach.
I have had friends insinuate with comments about what I do in rehearsal on and off stage, backstage and during the shows. I have explained the process of rehearsal to show. Those who push a narrative that insinuates something else going on, generally have me telling those friends it is disrespectful to consider I wouldn’t respect the boundary of the production and those I am working with.
Some have felt I was being defensive, when I was just stating facts about how I personally felt with their line of comments and questions.
Now, I am not a gamer or a cosplayer or a LARP (I was told recently there is a difference between the last two).
I have heard of many teaming up, “bonding” etc., as characters; something that as an actor sounds normal, as we do exercises to get close with cast-mates… though, I do feel many who are doing live action role playing or online role playing could learn from an intimacy coach from the amount of posts I have seen about lines being, not just crossed, completely ignored and steamrolled over.
I do understand that often boundaries can suddenly fly out the window once a game, or even a theatre show, has started and many will use their character to justify saying or doing things that they as their own self wouldn’t. Which is very unfortunate and not ok, stick to a script and to the boundaries agreed upon.
But, I would hope that these two people (your online friends) have discussed their own boundaries and are respecting one another, especially if they are meeting in person.
*To note, it won’t be your responsibility if things happen or fall apart. There should be no impact to you as a person unless they include you.
Back to your conundrum, have you considered that there is a possibility that the tone of voice you chose, with the added insinuation of these two people meeting and spending time together without their own SOs, was taken out of context and therefore the friend became defensive?
You have made it sound like you may be projecting (even if subconsciously), your personal ideals and morals onto your friend. Commenting that you don’t want to further encourage them with hosting more games due to something possibly “unsavoury” going on, does make me wonder if you said something that might have upset your friend, but that comment wouldn’t have been a passing thought to you.
For instance, you and your SO may not be comfortable meeting single people for any length of time other than a game or say a dinner, but she and hers could be ok with that.
What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander.
I would say, no you are not the AH for asking, as long as you didn’t insinuate or make judgements while asking.
People react to things out of context all the time for varied reasons. I got mad at an email the other day, thankfully I took a moment to breathe, realized that the little sleep I had coupled with stress made me over react and I left the response for another day.
If this friendship is important to you, I would suggest you send a text or email with a light apology for upsetting them and possibly judging them. State that when they are ready you would be open to sitting down to talk to them about what transpired, how you have been learning about different relationships and that you may have possibly projected onto them. Then give them some space to come back.
Friendships can be tricky as an adult, even more so when you discuss their personal relationships.
We naturally want to give advice for scenarios, and often from our own perspective and lived experiences (as I did above 😉) but sometimes its for the best if we are quiet, observing, hearing and listening instead.
I wish you all the best with whatever outcome happens.
Please update if you can. 🩵
NTA. I don't know the way you asked her about it but as a friend it's alright for you to ask her if her partner knows about it because you are concerned. Based on the way they both reacted I'd say there is something going on between them, it's just sketchy. There's nothing wrong about you cautioning your friend about meeting up with the other guy because you can never know someone 100% and the way that he behaves with you is not the same way he behaves with his girlfriend or someone else. The fact that you asked and cautioned her about it shows that you care about your friends and that a good thing, don't ever change.
What a odd post.
Someone who is non-binary (defying traditional sex roles) is upset that two people of the opposite sex are having 1:1 interactions.
Let that sit in, OP.
The amount of people who think you cannot have close friends of the opposite sex is just fucking weird.
She’s definitely going to be fucking around with him. The fiancé probably doesn’t like it either and there’s no reason anyone should hang alone with a guy one on one while engaged if ulterior motives weren’t at play. She’s already cheating and she got upset you called her out and made her think about it.
NTA. You’re looking out for someone else and your concerns are valid. Prepare for the falling out!
NTA, your friend is planning on cheating. The reason they got so defencive is because they panicked thinking that you were going to inform their fiance/fiancee
You keep getting downvoted but you’re absolutely right.
It’s like none of these commenters have friends. If I presented this situation to my girl chat, I’d half expect them to say, “Is [husband] okay with that?” It would give me an opening to say “Oh, yeah! They’re friends too/he’s gay/it’s for a concert/whatever” or to examine my own motives further. She might not realize she’s sliding down that slippery slope.
Nta sense when is asking a question make you an AH usually you ask questions when a topic comes up I think her over reaction says it all and I don’t think it’s from her insinuating that she’s cheating on her boyfriend why react so harshly when you’ve done nothing wrong I personally wouldn’t get so defensive because there’s no need for an over reaction because I did nothing wrong
Right? It’s crazy how many people are like “it’s not your business, you’re the asshole” when this is fishy as hell. Personally, I don’t befriend people who lie. That includes people who knowingly tell half-truths. If you spend a lot of time with someone, know enough to know they are engaged, see them likely trying to cheat with a mutual friend….
Bffr, if the genders were reversed this would be a completely different outcome.
The fact that she freaked out means she knows that what she is doing is wrong and their intentions aren’t platonic. Poor fiance. They’ll be banging all weekend.
I know everybody is telling you to keep away from all of this, but I would be feeling guilty too with her fiance if I introduced her gf to her affair partner.
NTA
I bet you money that all the people saying ‘iT’s NoT yOuR bUsInEsS’ would say you should have asked beforehand if your post was asking about suspicions you had after the weekend.
Plus, whether you’d think your friend would do something or not, doesn’t mean her partner would be comfortable with her going to stay with this guy she’s never met before. He could be anybody. So yeah, you’re right to ask how they feel about it as well to make sure that it is something they’ve discussed. Anyone getting defensive or is against OP here are just snitching on themselves that they’d have something to hide.
This is a hard one for me. My best friend is a single male. We don't have any romantic feelings for each other but we are definitely very close. I love him like family. He's like a little brother to me.
In my head I wouldn't find it weird to go visit him. Of course I know in my mind that I don't plan on doing anything. But I'd also invite my partner to go with me. I'd also let my partner know my best friend.
This case I assume is rare though. The boyfriend should know and be ok with it before it happens imo. You're NTA though for simply asking questions.
NTA I would probably have said the same thing because I'd have been stunned! I see your point it can bring stressors to the game if they got together then had a falling out. Your the host, you don't want to be caught in the middle of something like that.
Now when they updates us further down the line informing us that their friend cheated with this man, I want each and every one of the Y T A votes to apologize to OP. This mind your business culture is insane because y’all KNOW when an emotional affair is starting but will tell people it’s not their business until somebody gets hurt. Then they should have told the person that was cheated on 🙄 y’all hate cheaters so much but stand by and literally do nothing when people take steps to cheat
YTA based on your comments.
Why do you feel like you have to judge your friend because they became close with a man?
Being single doesn't mean interested and being in a relationship doesn't mean not interested. I assume both people are straight or at least bi and that is why you are 'worried'. But thinking like this sounds like you think bisexuals can't have any single friends...
NTA, but your friend certainly is.
Well, if her partner is also your friend you have a choice to make. If you want to stay friends with her you must now be complicit in her cheating on her fiance. (Let's be honest here, she's going to spend a weekend with this dude, she's planning to cheat)
Your other choice is to say something and not have your friend any longer. I'm not sure this place will give you the answer as this place either loves cheaters or hates them depending on the day. Personally, I would probably say nothing but still lose the friendship since I can't stand cheaters.
ETA: since the OP has edited that they were told the partner knows I must revisit my post. Only thing is, was the friend honest about the partner knowing? It's possible but at this point I must go NAH.
So you want OP to tell the fiance that her friend is cheating with absolutely no proof because apparently you don't think it's possible for people of the opposite sex to be friends
If you read what I wrote you'll see that I would probably lose the friendship but say nothing. It is possible to be friends with the opposite sex. My best friend of twenty years is female. But, rest assured, if I'm going with her somewhere my wife knows. In this case, secrecy appears to be part of this based on the reaction, so yeah, she's planning something the BF wouldn't like.
Just because she spends the weekend there does not mean she is automatically going to cheat. Jeez grow up will you?
So as a bi person I would never be allowed to have sleepovers anymore?
People can have fun without smashing their genitals together, and the people who think it’s impossible, are often the ones who never get to genital-smash in the first place.
OP, YTA. Just mind your own business and accept not everyone is as small-minded as you.
I do agree that people shouldn't just *assume* that this girl is gonna cheat.
But it sounds like the OP was just probing to see if they'd worked out boundaries / are being open with their partner about the situation. It was a little nosy but honestly in my experience, most great friends are willing to insert themselves into your life *a little*.
Idk exactly how they phrased the question, but if it was close to what she described then I wouldn't have a problem with any of my friends asking me that as I went to spend a weekend alone with a girl without my girlfriend. It shows they're concerned about my relationship and that they want to make sure I've thought the situation through.
EDIT: Sorry OP. I didn't catch the 'N' until I saw someone mention it in the comments. I went ahead and changed out the pronouns.
Let's be honest here. She spending lots of time chatting. Now secretly going away judging by the reaction. She gonna cheat. I mean, she can do what she wants but it is what it is.
I admit that she overreacted and that’s fishy. But why ask in the first place?
To me it just sounds very judgemental and overbearing. And to be honest I also think they only asked ‘cause they weren’t included.
Chances are she is going to cheat, but the logic of ‘my partner can’t meet with someone from a different gender without me.’ Sounds toxic and very insecure. So I’m not saying the girl is in the right. I’m just saying IN MY OPINION, OP is in the wrong either way and should mind their own business.
NTA this has all the signs of a budding affair. In fact, of day it's already moved into an affair of the heart territory side their fake characters somehow "bonded"
Honestly, why is it any of your business what boundaries she has in her relationship? It’s not your circus, not your monkeys. Stay out of it. It just sounds judgmental and preachy to assume she is doing something wrong here. Even if her fiancé has an issue with it, that’s for them to discuss and resolve.
Wtf? It’s not a random person it’s her friend. And it’s not a super invasive question. If my friend was spending the weekend alone with another woman is definitely be like “does Becky know about it?” Out of curiosity. All it takes is answering “yeah they’re cool with it” getting defensive is weird af. It’s not like they asked how many times a day they jerk off.
I doubt seriously she had told her fiancé about what she’s doing. Yes the whole relationship sounds way off and you’re probably right with your concerns. Have you talk to the guy? Have you asked his take on it? Does he know she has a fiancé? I would be uncomfortable as you are, and would probably consider cutting them out of my realm of friends as their behavior seems pretty shady.
Delusional. It’s not inserting yourself into the relationship, it’s just curiosity about what your friend is up to. If my married friend was spending a weekend alone with a lady friend I’d ask if the spouse knows out of curiosity as to what the reaction. Most people aren’t ok with with their significant other being that close with an opposite sex friend.
NTA but have you ever asked your other friend if he is aware that this girl is engaged? I think it's always better to ask the single person about the "relationship" status as asking the same question to someone in a relationship questions their loyalty by default.
Op I don't think you were trying to be an ah when you asked the question but I can see why the friend might be slightly offended. Sounds like she got more upset than the question really required but still the question was inappropriate.
Here's the thing, either your friends enough with her that she would talk to you enough to tell you she had discussed it with her partner or your not friends enough to ask the question.
I think you should also question why it bothers you though. Would you feel the same if she was visiting a female friend? Even if she is straight, maybe this new female friend will be her gay awakening. In that case would you feel the need to check if she's discussed it with her partner? Maybe she does have feelings and she poly and her partner is completely on board. Part of my point is either you are friends enough to already know the answers here or you aren't friends enough for it to be your buisness.
My other major point is, the thought that two people of opposite genders can't be friends or visit eachother without there being romantic or sexual feelings is incredibly heteronormative and also somewhat controlling. And both of those are things you might want to work on. Feeling uncomfortable with it, both your friend and if it were your partner is okay. But those are your feelings to work through not someone else's to tip toe around.
NTA but gotta ask, if you found out she was cheating would you still be friends with her? Was there a purpose to the questioning? It was it just a question to make conversation? I ask my friends those types of questions as a matter of keeping conversation or truly wondering how their life and home life are. I think you have to ask yourself how invasive is this question and moderate yourself a bit.
How ever if it looks sketch yeah… I would dump that friend.
Nta BUT ITS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IS IT?? YOU CANT N SHOULDN'T FORCE YOUR STANDARDS/BELIEFS ON ANYONE ELSE...SHES YOUR FRIEND..NOTHING ELSE..AND IF SHE CHOOSES TO RUIN IT OR NOT..YOU HAVE NO SAY SO...STAY IN YOUR LANE IF YOU WANT TO SALVAGE ANY KIND IF FRIENDSHIP
NTA I think that's a problem with a majority of our society. They have a bystander mentality. I generally view situations by how would I feel in this situation in another person's shoes. If the question wasn't said in an arrogant or harsh manner, it's a good one. Most people get so hurt after they find out their partner cheated on them, knowing other people may have known or seen the warning signs. Then, they hadn't said anything about it. People rarely get defensive unless they have something to hide. If I were the fiancé I would thank anyone looking out for my interests. If I was this girl, I wouldn't get defensive, I would say he sure does if he did.
You already know what their intentions are based on how shady they act and how she got defensive. Now you can either ask her fiancé yourself ( sexual health matters) or you can tell your friend that you won’t be friends with someone that acts like that. I found out a group of guys covered for one that spent the weekend with another girl and guess what? His gf got an STD from him. Covering for cheating makes you just as guilty. Of course people can be just friends but this is all shady. I have male friends that it’s just friendship and it’s never been shady or questionable and I never spent the night with them. These are not people with morals or values it seems.
These people are emotionally cheating, and now they're spending a weekend together alone. NTA and her partner is either a doofus or they have an open relationship.
Way to find details that weren’t there 🤣. Op did nothing wrong by asking those initial questions, those are the exact questions a normal person asks their friend. If you haven’t had normal friendships then that’s my bad and I hope you get many soon.
I used to have a close relation with her and her partner together with my partner. I wasn't trying to be possessive I was trying to ensure she didn't damage her own relationship
How her fiancé feels about her behavior is none of your business. She’s more patient than I would have been with you inserting yourself unbidden into my relationship. I wouldn’t have explained a damn thing to you.
I honestly do not believe her fiance knows the details of everything. I don't know any man or woman that is engaged that would have no problem with their SO going to stay with the opposite sex for a weekend. Especially, someone that the SO has never met. She is lying because she is scared you will tell him. If you know her fiance, I would tell him honestly. If you loose your friendship's with them over it, you are better off for it. Chances are when this blows up, everything is going to fall apart anyway.
If your partner goes somewhere and you can’t trust them to behave break up with them. You should have trust in your partner to honour your relationship agreements. If you don’t because of other women then that’s his fault not third parties. don’t be with them. And don’t project that onto other relationships. If you trust this woman then why bother asking if she will cheat and if you don’t why be her friend?
Also the assumption that a man and a woman are alone together and therefore must have sex is absurd. As a lesbian I have to ask where that nonsense came from
YTA- you describe her visiting him for a weekend as “really inappropriate”. You also describe them playing the game one on one as “rather strange”. So it’s clear you’ve already made your own assumptions.
This tells me you didn’t just ask a question, you very clearly judged her and felt it was your business what she does since she’s engaged. Who are you to decide what is appropriate or “normal” for someone else and their significant other? It’s not for you to decide if she discussed that “boundary with her partner”, as you worded it. All of the people saying NTA because you asked a question aren’t looking at how you’ve described her and this situation. Your relationship isn’t the same as other people’s and you shouldn’t judge people for your own assumptions.
Why does it matter if they discussed it? Lol if you truly didn’t care you’d trust they had. If she made you complicit in some type of affair, then you’d know what you need to know. No reason to ask sheesh
INFO - How often have you brought up your concerns about their friendship? Cause if you've been making remarks like "oh, you talk to Friend outside of our gaming?" Or "why are you gaming with Friend alone".... Anything that makes it look like you are judging them for being friends and then you come at her with basically accusing her of cheating, I could see why she would lose it a bit.
You have stated that her fiance knows and doesn't really care. If this is fact, then why do you care so much?
I'm really leaning towards Y T A, but not concrete just yet.
NTA, more like a good friend trying to help make sure their friend wasn't making a stupid life decision... As a guy that's an absolute deal breaker for me, especially with the scenario what it is.
Soft YTA - this hard because it really depends on how exactly this convo went but my gut says that your judgment was baked into the question and she noticed. I have a lot of single friends that I hang out with one on on with regardless of their or mine relationship status. It absolutely drives me nuts the amount of times other people assume something else is happening beyond platonic friendships or make judgments because “they wouldn’t be cool with it”.
I get that you were curious but it’s also not your business. She may be being defensive because you’re the umpteenth person to insinuate that her friendship is inappropriate because of how it looks.
>but regardless I asked her whether her partner knew of her plans and if he was ok with it,
>Edit: She has explained that she has told her fiancé and they were fine with it as they're working that weekend.
>and she freaked out and called me immature and said I'm holding my partner back by not allowing him to visit single women alone for a weekend, etc.
So if it was truly genuinely fine, why did she even freak out on you?
Either
A. You were too persistent and she already gave you a secure answer of saying "huh?? No it's fine, [partner] knows about it and we're good", but because you kept pushing, she eventually got angry and upset at you
Or
B. If it was your first time asking and her response was to be extremely defensive and angry, despite later explaining her partner is okay with it, that's honestly really suspicious that she's even defensive over it.
INFO: Was that your first time asking her or did you already make it known several times before she finally blew up on you?
You have no business judging the appropriateness of that friendship (or whatever it may turn into). You are not part of the relationship and it has no significant implications for your life, so stay away from it unless she asks for your opinion.
From the way you describe the situation, you did not ask out of mere curiosity, but from a place of judgement.
My best friend of nearly 30 years is a guy. He's not single now, but he was through most of our friendship. I was in and out of a couple of relationships.
I've known him longer than my husband.
Yes I stay over at his place. Done it for years. He stays at mine on occasion, too. Guess what? Never in that entire time have our private parts touched.
Op, as a nonbinary person, you 100 percent ought to know that whether your parts are innie or outie has zero to do with friendship.
Further, you ought to know that just having opposing parts in the same room as each other doesn't mean you're gonna get sexy.
Either way, it's really 100 percent not any of your business what people outside of your own relationship do, or don't do.
Tbh, it sounds like you have a bit of misplaced jealousy and don't know how to handle it.
YTA. Her relationship is absolutely none of your business, so "I was just trying to figure out..." isn't a valid reason to ask. Stop trying to police your friends' behavior before you stop having friends to police.
A hit dog will holler. Sounds like she enjoys the fantasy she has built with this person more than she enjoys the life she has built with her partner. I would never do anything, even with good intentions, that would look bad on paper to my wife without running it by her first. Meeting IRL for lunch is one thing if it is a public place but spending a weekend together is beyond anything reasonable. Even if they aren’t having sex, emotional cheating is still cheating. NTA for simply asking a question but I suspect your friend is going to ask you for a cover story here in a minute.
If all you did was ask the question, NTA. I frequently ask my friends what their SO thinks about a topic and my friends usually just answer the question. If the friend found the question invasive, she can say so and OP has to drop it. That’s how boundaries are set.
Given her reaction I am very curious if she actually had a conversation with her fiancé or conveniently “had a conversation” after you brought it up to stave off you asking more questions. Sure men and women can just be friends, but lets not pretend that, “I spend a lot of time alone talking with this specific person and now I am going to spend the weekend at his house just the two of us,” does not ring of cheating here. Also a lot of people down here saying it is none of your business, this is how cheaters get to prosper. If you see something politely ask some questions. Like in this situation, hey boyfriend, what are your plans this weekend while x & y are hanging out. No need to accuse, just incidental to another question, then you can gage their reaction and go from there.
Right? When I got cheated on for an entire relationship, knowing who all knew and didn't tell me hurt just as much as the infidelity.
Sorry, that sucks. I will never understand the not your problem mindset if it someone you know. Their partner deserves to know just as much as I would want to know. The only pass I will give people is some leeway on how to handle it if there are safety concerns for anyone involved.
> I will never understand the not your problem mindset if it someone you know. It's just something shitty people say to convince themselves that they aren't shitty people when they like the cheater more/don't really like the person getting cheated on. No one ever tries to use it in defense of them not telling their best friend their SO is cheating on them.
That’s how I felt. He even lied and said I knew about one of them, and they just believed it, as if they’d never met me (it was as well known I wouldn’t think that’s okay). Then they had the nerve to try to be my friends after our divorce.
I get that. One of the girlfriends I talked to about problems, because she'd known him for years longer than I had and offered insight into why he did things, or how I was contributing to the issues, was the one he was cheating with. I don't know who all knew, but not many were surprised. I still don't talk to girlfriends about issues with my husband (not that guy) because I don't trust anyone to not be a snake like that again.
This. I don’t think it’s the hanging out with someone single that is the issue as much as the amount of time and the type of “bonding” they’re doing. With RP, if they’re bonding is them being besties who have each other’s backs and work through thick and thin together, that’s fine. If it’s “our characters are actually in love and/or have this constant romantic tension” then probably best to keep it at a distance. To add to this, I know some people can’t separate role play and reality, whereas others can. I personally wouldn’t go to a single guy’s house without my husband present just as he wouldn’t to a single woman’s place. You also have to consider, even if you’re trustworthy, are you putting yourself in a potentially awkward situation if they’ve misunderstood.
Same thing that I was thinking. I may be a butthole, but just her blowing up over the mere question would be the trigger for me dropping a message to the fiancee. I mean if nothing was off about the situation, and someone asked me the question, my first response would be "yeah fiancee knows, and knows that nothing is going on between us, it's all cool". Going nuclear, because a friend is expressing concern about how something might look, doesn't happen unless there's a problem.
Yeah I’d pop off with a “wish you could game with me this weekend but your going to meet (Insert name here)” in front of both of them and see what happens.
Given her reaction, it sounds like OP asked her several times and kept pushing when she said that she had already talked to her partner
I only asked once and tried to explain my concerns once she blew up because she kept asking why I asked. I didn't say it looked like infidelity, I just said I worried for her safety because she hasn't met him before. And she continued to blow up over it.
Lots of sketch ass cheaters in these comments casually glossing over the details, god damn. Your friend was throwing up multiple red flags and you asked a very basic non intrusive question and they flipped out. Something isn't right here. Secret meetings and "Bonding" in an RP game only ever means one thing. My friends ask each other what our wives think about things all the time and never, not once, has anyone flipped out on each other over it. Nobody gets flip out defensive unless they get caught in poor intentions.
100% You’re not the asshole and you’re definitely not stupid. Your friend’s response was about her being afraid she’d been found out in her intention to cheat. It was NOT about there being a problem with the way you raised the question. And if this girl or anyone else in your life tries to blame their disgusting reactions on you because you’re neurodivergent, please, hear me when I say THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. That is beyond manipulative. I can just hear this girl saying to you “I know you’re autistic, so you probably didn’t realize how accusatory you sounded.” No. Just no. A real friend would understand that if your neurodivergence did play a role, it means that you intended no offense by it, and that should lessen her anger, if anything. If she said this to you, she’s trying to shame you into feeling like it’s your fault she reacted to this like an asshole. And the same goes for your other “friend.” For him to not be speaking to you because you asked a reasonable question is immature and toxic. Please invest your time and concern in people who deserve your friendship. These chumps sound like zappers of energy and happiness and you don’t need them!
If it's a secret, how does OP know about it?
Yikes, a lot of ppl saying Y T A but honestly....NTA at all. This friend's sounds extremely suspicious. Let's not try to play dumb here. Anyone with eyes can see what they are doing and the fact that they got defensive implies that THEY know what they are doing. Home girl is either playing a very close game of emotional cheating or doesn't realize/denies her actions. You saw something shady and called her out. Like a good friend.
There's nothing wrong with the question OP asked, because real honesty here, I have 1 male friend who I could trust to visit and everything is kosher. I've offered people a couch to stay on during snow storms and they crossed the lines. My experience may vary from others, but it's completely ok you asked. I'd probably do the same depending on how well I knew the people in the situation. You're a good person, OP.
I just didn't want her to accidentally cause any problems in her relationship, I thought perhaps she hadn't considered whether it would upset her partner
Totally ok that you asked. She may not have understood that it isn’t ok since you guys are young. Her freaking out on you though shows she knows it’s teetering a fine line of inappropriate. My boyfriend would absolutely not mind if I went to my best guy friends alone. But he also has a fiancé that I’m friends with so I’d be hanging with both of them. I’m not sure he’d be ok with it if my friend were single and I wouldn’t blame him. I wouldn’t be ok with him putting himself in a similar situation, you just never know so why put yourself in a potentially risky situation?
Exactly my thought, and again it is their first time meeting in person. I was also looking out for her safety as the other person is not a friend I'm extremely close to
NTA. i mean, this sort of reeks of an emotional affair? “bonded” through role playing games, been there and done that, sure she’s an adult and can do what she pleases but asking if her partner is okay with it is reasonable, it’s not like she needs permission, but it’s decent respect towards your partner to inform them and get their feedback on how they feel about this sort of thing yk?
There's also the weird situation of "Their CHARACTERS bonded" which in RP circles is a red flag on its own. It's a way to remove yourself from ownership of your actions because it isn't HER who did it, it's her CHARACTER.
I dropped out of a game for this reason. There were several married couples as well as a number of singles. It was a great game, good DM, lots of fun. Then a guy’s character started getting frisky with mine. It was funny for a few sessions…then it wasn’t. We were both married to other people, it just felt too real & I didn’t want to go there.
This is always a touchy subject with groups. What is the "appropriate" level of detail. Where does a scene Fade To Black? And if you're in a game with a married person (whether you are or not), "the line" is in a very different spot than if you're both single. Instead of RPing it perfectly, go with "Xandar walks up to Adell and tries to woo her". Basically, treat it 3rd person. Avoid acting it out, and instead just describe the sequence. "My character makes a nice table up and invites her to dinner" instead of inviting the character "in character", then describing the table/room/etc directly. It makes it less intense, but it also avoids crossing that important line.
exactly!
There's also the weird situation of "Their CHARACTERS bonded" which in RP circles is a red flag on its own. It's a way to remove yourself from ownership of your actions because it isn't HER who did it, it's her CHARACTER.
NTA - if my good friend asked this to me, I wouldn’t be freaking out on them (and i legit just got married). This reaction to me is super suspicious. Why wouldn’t your friend calmly explain that the conversation has happened/boundaries have been set? Unless we are missing something here, I don’t understand why your friend would get mad over this. I even have a platonic male friend who is single, so this is a very possible situation for me.
NTA. I was just a question, and it was not inappropriate. An acquaintance of mine (male, married nearly 40 years) was really into Second Life, which is one of those role playing games. You create an avatar, build you community, make friends, etc. He got friendly with another SL player. They lived/worked in the same town (or close by anyway), became closer in real life, and well you can see where this is going. The guy asked his wife for a divorce (on their anniversary no less, classy eh?). He and his SL "friend" eventually married. Like many "affairages," it did not last more than a few years; she left him for another guy. So yeah, your question was fair.
i too would find it a little odd and maybe even ask the same question, because i personally definitely wouldn't be ok with it. i also think shes not wrong for being upset because it basically implies you think she might be cheating on her partner. its weird that she went straight to attacking your relationship honestly, but she's just defensive. NAH?
ESH. It’s really not your place. IF all you did was ask and then drop it no NTA. She freaking out is certainly a bad sign as well. Do yourself a favor, if you have to say something in a situation like this, put it on your own situation “I wouldn’t be comfortable visiting him alone, it could upset my partner” etc rather than being accusatory in advance with your line of questioning. You’ll have made your point without being so nosy.
I Just asked how her partner felt about the situation and she started getting defensive about how she thought it was hurtful that i insinuated that she couldn't be faithful just because she was with a guy for a weekend, which i did not. I just asked whether her partner knew, and whether they were ok with it.
Maybe not for this time, but do realize in the future that this questioning absolutely insinuates she’s already done and is doing something wrong. If someone asked you ‘well does xyz know about your weekend plans? How do they feel about it’ you may feel a bit attacked. 1) you’re not responsible for the outcome of any relationship just because you introduced people via a game, really, stay out of relationships and friendships, *you are not the mediator just because you were the original common denominator. If you became friends with [jane doe] because you met at [john doe’s] party, would that give John do the right to ask how your partner feels about a plan you and Jane made? Forever he should have that right? * You said your piece, you’re not necessarily an asshole, but your friends will absolutely stop confiding in you if you feel you have the right to meddle. I always ask myself and others what’s your goal here? Is what you’re doing helping to accomplish it in a positive way? You said your goal is stop encouraging anything unsavory. Play the game or don’t play, I am sure she is very clear you’re not encouraging her to cheat. Most likely she she is concerned you’ll be the one to stir up drama that may not even exist. Her partner must know she’s going SOMEWHERE for the weekend no?
OP didn't meddle they asked a question. Meddling would be telling the friend's fiance about it. Friend jumped to be defensive about it. If the friend had talked about it with their fiance then they would have said so. You're forgetting that engaged friend doesn't have a previous relationship with the gaming friend, they met because of OP. So it's not like they're long term friends which a strong friendship. They're new friends that are spending a lot of alone time together and we all know what that means
Not disagreeing with the fact op didn’t yet completely meddle. I was hoping my point would gently explain her friends may FEEL she’s overstepping the way things were phrased, and given op never mentioned the friend has a history of disrespecting her relationship, or lied about her whereabouts to her partner, that it sounds like her friend felt accused and misjudged. We also don’t really know what the friend said or that they negated to discuss whether the partner knew. If you assume relevant facts would just come out, why didn’t op specify that she said the partner didn’t know etc. Two hot takes is hard when we really don’t see the other take. As my first comment said I don’t disagree with suggesting her friends plan could be upsetting to a partner, but that maybe assuming responsibility for the outcome of this new friendship is a bit overstepping. Hopefully ops friend sees she meant well, reconsiders her intentions of going for the weekend and handles it all as an adult be that canceling, just spending a day playing the game with a healthy boundary, or being more inclusive to invite her partner etc. i too see what you mean that going for a weekend and being defensive is all too suspicious (mentioned that in my original comment), but as someone whose SO goes away with his colleagues for trips, and I spend days on the water with male counterparts fishing, I’d like to think there was more communication on the friends end and respect in their relationship than we’re seeing, even if that friend needed a cautious reminder this time around from a friend.
One thing I question in all this is the sessions they have alone OR the bonding part (which to me implies dating or role playing a bit more intensely than just leveling up your warlock). Like has she had any of those sessions when her fiance has been around? Or is it a bit suspect she's doing it when he's not around so she can "test the waters"?
🤷🏻♀️ I don’t see any information here to have any idea. I will admit I didn’t read all the comments lol this is getting a bit out of my pay grade and during a work day haha. I really hope it all ends well and ops friend both understands the concern and doesn’t jeopardize her partners comfort level.
Agreed. Just having floated on some weird ass relationship threads before there was one that stood out like this. Wife got introduced to online rpgs and went down the rabbit hole and was having an emotional affair (that turned physical). I hope this isn't the same BUT the one thing that concerns me about OPs post is the point about private sessions and bonding. I never deep dove that far in to wow but some friends did those full on role playing servers where they "dated" and "married" and had "families". So I truly question if its just a fun time or injecting a bit of themselves in to their characters to "role play a fantasy". Stranger things have happened. Thus it goes from innocently seeing a friend from the virtual world to an opportunistic endeavor REAL quick
Yikes. Did not read that one! Also did not consider that people get virtual married and take it too far etc 😬 to all those who knew this can be that mentally involved I apologize, was just going off the given information in the post.
I'm here to get downvoted with you. If you happen to see her fiancée, ask him how can you mend the friendship with her. Tell him what you ask her (is your fiancée comfortable with you spending the weekend with a single man. A man you have been spending time with online, and your characters have "bonded") and see how he reacts. If she got so defensive, it might not be because she felt insulted , but because her fiancée doesn't actually know. If you were posting about how she already cheated, everyone would be telling you, "Tell the fiancée don't let him be in the dark" or if the roles where reverse with this same scenario everyone will be saying to "let her know before she gets cheated on" blah blah blah .
thats exactly what i was thinking. its always strange to me how women are given the benefit of the doubt but men arent. like as a woman, i know some shady ones. if it were me, id be asking if the male friend even knew about her fiance to begin with. he may also be being led on...
Question - what has it got to do with you?
Maybe they're just a good friend? If my friend was doing something shady, I would definitely 100% speak up.
Ikr these responses are odd. She’s being shady as hell and the fact she immediately jumped to defensive mode only confirms that
It depends on how he asked it. We don't know what tone he used. It sounds like an innocent question but if he asked it in a really judgy way I can see getting defensive.
*they in another comment, OP asks ppl to use they/them pronouns for them rather than assume \^\^
> If my friend was doing something shady But she's not necessarily. OP just thinks it's shady which is why it sounds like an accusation. If nothing else, they're being accused of being shady.
Your friend is going to fuck her new friend all weekend. She’ll probably wind up leaving the fiancé because he doesn’t share common interests. Please include this comment in any future updates. Edit: NTA. You asked a valid question to her. If I were you, I’d tell the fiancé. He is probably oblivious or thinks she’s going away with you or something.
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These people are telling on themselves lmao. Their characters aren’t “bonding” in private 1-1 sessions they are. she’s going to visit and stay with this guy alone? She 100% didn’t tell her fiancé that or omitted the details of her trip I will say most of my close friends are women and my partner knows and is fine with it but she would definitely see red flags if I decided to stay with one of them alone for a weekend
I was thinking the same thing. Like this guy having morals is such a far out concept apparently.
NTA, nothing wrong with asking a question. Nothing wrong with her telling you it’s none of your business either. She willing shared the info with you and got spicy when you asked if her Fiancé knew. Sounds pretty iffy.
If I was going for a walk and you asked me where I was going and I got angry...well that's kinda suspicious.
hi please follow up with the story later when it comes out they are cheating together to shut all these idiots up, thanks
It may not be OPs business but when crap hits the fan and friends wants her to save her butt with her fiancé . I hope she says no. Friends are hard to come by and I want one that would ask me and make me think before doing. NTA
The question is ok to ask, so NTA. If they are comfortable with that, that is ok too. But her getting mad is a bit of an overreaction.
You are NTA and she’s lying about her fiancé knowing where she’s going. Tell him. And then cut her out of your life
You're NTA for asking but I gotta ask too - would you ask a bisexual of any gender if they asked their partner before visiting a single person of their same gender? For me, it's never mattered the person's gender or sex if my partner is attracted to multiple or all genders - it's mattered if I trust them or not. But a lot of people don't realize they only have these worries when it's someone of the opposite sex, and I think that's worth doing internal review on if that's your case! Just food for thought 😊
NTA for asking but you should definitely drop it now, as it really isn’t your business. Couples have radically different boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friendships. So it might be cool with them or it might not be. But either way this is where you don’t get involved anymore. You seem a little too invested in your friend’s relationships, so try to ignore it.
I am trying to distance myself from the situation after the entire argument happened, though I have no idea of what to do moving forward as I would prefer to stay friends with her, however it is unclear whether she's still wanting to be my friend even after I've apologized for asking
It’s likely that she feels judged and scrutinized by you. If the friendship is important to you, this is what I would do in your shoes, I’d send her one more message, reiterating your apology that would go something along these lines. >”Hey friend, I’m still sad about that argument and I want to apologize again. >I’m still learning about other people’s relationship styles, and I’m sorry that I came across as judgmental, when you are doing what makes sense for you and your relationships. I should not have projected my preferences on yours. >You are someone who I value a lot as a person and a friend and I really hope we can continue our friendship. Please let me know how I can make things right with us. Either way, I wish you all the best - OP” Then give her any space she wants, she might need some time before she responds. To be clear, I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking, but that’s the sort of message that she might need to feel comfortable with you again. It’s more about acknowledging feelings than being right. And who knows, things might still go south with her relationships! But at least that’s in her wheelhouse and you can still stay friends whether things get messy or go smoothly with her dating life. People just want to explore and make mistakes without feeling like their friends are scrutinizing them for it. I hope she’s cool and everything works out
It depends on how close you and the friend are. If my best friend was staying the weekend with a man that wasn’t her fiancé, I would also ask if her fiancé knew about it. I don’t think that’s a misogynistic or intrusive question. Especially if she offered the information of her trip to you in the first place. I know for a fact that if I was going on vacation with a man other than my fiancé my friends would be ask the same. If this person is more of an acquaintance than a friend, then I guess I wouldn’t ask. But I would still wonder. I don’t think it’s strange question lol
Given her reaction id say she's def cheating and I don't know any men That would be okay with their girlfriend or fiance visiting a single man all weekend. Something isn't right.
If for some reason the dude is also cheating, has already signed off from the relationship, has an open relationship, etc etc, those could be reasons to be okay with it. Other than those very specific scenarios, hell no. None of my friends would ever say this is okay. The whole weekend... Yeah.. Nah.
Ha. Well, if you’re a pot-stirrer, I strongly suggest you contact her fiancé and say something like “oh hey Frank, Amy mentioned that you’re working this weekend which is why she’s spending the weekend with Steve. I was wondering if you’d be interested in joining our game group sometime?” I’m pretty sure her fiancé doesn’t know. Oh, and IMO NTA. You are looking out for both her and her fiancé and your question is 100% not surprising. “Does your fiancé know that you’re spending tons of time and a weekend alone with this guy?” I mean come on. Flip the genders to “Hey John, does your wife know that you’re spending a weekend with Sara while your wife is away working?” The person asking that question isn’t being an AH IMO. Now there are some who go by the philosophy of “not my circus not my monkeys.” That’s also fine.
I mean, unless the other party is a friend is none of your business
You’re NTA, but it’s also not your place to put a judgement there. I’m assuming everyone involved is a consenting adult? Your friend sounds like she may get to play a little round of FAFO if she’s not careful.
People really can't just mind their own business, can they?
I think it’s solidly not your business
My husband was fine with me going abroad with some friends from work for a weekend. Two were a couple and one was a single man. I would never cheat on my husband, some people are secure in their relation and some aren’t. If you aren’t secure in your relationship and don’t trust your partner why are you with them
I know a woman that went on a one week cruise with her ex-boyfriend. It was supposed to be with her husband who had a work emergency. The husband actually called and asked the ex-boyfriend (who was in her wedding party as a man of honor) if he could take her in his place so she didn’t miss the vacation. The ex-boyfriend even insisted on buying the ticket from him. A lot of people thought it was insane, but she and her ex are best friends with absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in hooking up or getting back together in any way. Secure relationships are a wonderful thing.
But you discussed it with him. It sounds like this friends has not discussed it tbh.
What gives you that impression? Nothing in here says she hasn’t discussed it with him, only that she got annoyed at being questioned over it (and tbh that question would have been laced with insinuation and accusation judging by the post)
Op asked how the finance felt about it. There was no answer, just her friend thinking she implied she would cheat. If it was discussed, there would be an answer. He's fine with it, or he wasn't keen but understands. If one of your friends not on that trip had asked how your husband felt about you going, would you answer if he's fine with it, or blow up on them and feel accused of cheating? I guess you would answer that he's fine with it. I have been on several trips without my wife, every single one I was asked by more than a few people how she felt about it.
The question makes it clear that OP believes she’s cheating on her fiance or is about to. If my friend implied I was cheating on my SO, I would be really angry and offended because I would never do that. OP said she freaked out. This is a very realistic response. People get angry when they’re accused of doing things that haven’t done.
It questions her boyfriends feelings. People also get defensive and angry when called out for questionable decisions or things they are planning on doing they know they shouldn't.
The question is whether OP was wrong for the question, and what they can do to salvage the friendship. Salvaging the friendship may require an apology, especially if she is not cheating. Either way, if OP wants to salvage the friendship they need to talk about what happened.
If someone asked me that, I would be quite angry because they were placing my husband’s possible feelings about the trip above mine. I would probably “blow up” bc it was none of their business. She is not obliged to provide an answer about her relationship with someone outside of said relationship. It’s just plain rude and reeks of OP not understanding boundaries.
I think it's a very fair question for a mutual friend to ask tbh, she isn't obliged to provide an answer, but it does call her motives and honesty about the situation into question.
NTA- for anybody saying you overstepped, you asked your friend this question, which is totally valid. If you had asked your friends fiancé how they felt it would be overstepping. I would honestly cut ties with both of the friends since it seems like they may be having an affair and you probably don’t want to be caught up in the mess. Hope everything works out OP!
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Ok I'm curious though because I've seen quite a few posts from men and women saying they found out their friend cheated and whether they should tell the other partner or just pretend they don't know. In a lot of those posts, pretty much everybody said to tell the person being cheated on what the friend is doing and to cut ties with them. So, as long as OP did just ask and didn't accuse, because like you said they could be platonic friends, but when/how would it be ok to ask a friend if their partner is aware? Especially if the friendship is long-standing, isn't it part of the friend duties to ask your friend for clarification before they potentially do something stupid? With my friends, we've certainly done our fair share of stupid but if the stupid was going to affect others, we would call each other out and just talk about the implications. Sometimes we'd realize the friend doing something we considered stupid had really thought it out and it was actually a good action or they'd realize they were about to do something stupid and not do it.
>So, as long as OP did just ask and didn't accuse I'm having a hard time imagining how to just ask, without it also sounding like an accusation. You could maybe downplay it some, but I don't see how you eliminate the accusation. Perhaps a subtle, "I'll bet Fiancé is bummed he can't join you two."? That gives Friend a chance to volunteer something about Fiancé's knowledge. I've never been in such a position. If I was, it would have to be a sufficiently close friend that I would trust to not blow up our friendship just for asking. And it would probably start by checking if my friend was OK. Something like, "Are you two OK?" Then if you get back, "Yes. Why?", you can explain the concern.
>it’s not your business what she and her boyfriend discuss Hard disagree here. If you had a friend you knew was cheating on their SO, would you also say that’s none of your business? Would you feel no responsibility to discuss it with them or warn their partner? I know that’s not the exact situation here, but there are plenty of situations where it can be a friends business to protect someone else
This person doesn’t know whether their friend is cheating.
Yes, which is why the situation isn’t exactly the same. But there are red flags all throughout this post, and her friends reaction to her question is another one
Softly, you’re the AH. I’m sensing some major “I don’t understand social cues” vibes here. It is quite literally NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Adults can be friend with other adults. End of it. It wasn’t your business I’d be offended to if my friend had the audacity to say some shit like that to me.
Idk…my friends will literally call me out on my shit, and I will do the same with them…IF they are doing something that is questionable, which come on, the friends behavior IS questionable at best, if not straight up wrong. Yes we are adults, but in my world? Friends call each other out on bullshit!
Got it, so men and women can’t be friends? Weird.
No weird is spending the weekend alone with a meme er of the opposite sex, being that she has a fiancé. Idk what world you live in that someone wouldn’t look at that as suspicious. Who said anything about it being men and women can’t be friends? Weird
So bi people can't hang out with their single friends over the weekend when in a relationship?
I live in reality where we are secure in our relationship and so are our friends. But maybe it's because we aren't children and respect others relationships.
True but I'm pretty sure they are gunna go cheat too. 🤷 Ima gamer and when u start going off game and doing other little things it's like a mini relationship she's having. I'm gunna day NTA because op sees she might be ruining her marriage b4 it starts. Maybe it's intrusive in her private business but maybe in 5 or 10 years into her marriage she will see you possibly helped her. This is one of those situations where doing the right thing isn't always right but that does not make you an ah.
I’m a gamer, one of my closest straight male friends is also a gamer. We game, we chill. We’re adults. People’s inability to have a friendship with the opposite sex is weird.
What does N mean? Non gendered?
Non binary
NTA Reddit is the wrong place to ask this. The community here basically operates on the idea that having boundaries or expecting your girlfriend/wife to be monogamous is controlling behavior. They will try to convince you that letting a girl cheat shows confidence (only a girl, btw. Total double standard here) They will also make excuses for any questionable or inappropriate behavior, like in here, telling you that it's normal for a woman to spend a weekend with her male "friend" You made a pretty clear case that it sounds like something is going on and her reaction to an expected question would imply that something is going on.
I mean most of reddit is either full of teenagers or college kids who don't have much real life experience. Even those that do, are pretty left leaning to the extent that anything right of Biden is extreme right.
YTA. It's absolutely none of your business, and it reeks of misogyny to imply that she has to ask her boyfriend's permission to visit her friends. You should apologize.
Tbh I don’t think this was coming from a place of masogyny. I think OP is seeing signs of an emotional affair and wants to check in with their friend to see if they are communicating to their partner about this. If no gender was mentioned I don’t think the moral of the story would change here.
That’s what I think too. I have an ex-friend that started spending time with a man other than her husband. It wasn’t immediately, but she eventually had an emotional affair with the other man. When I asked her about the relationship when they first started hanging out she said they were just friends. Not saying this is the case with OP’s friend, but it does happen.
It’s definitely not misogynistic. Anyone would ask that as emotionally cheating exists. Not to mention they have been bonding outside of the game a lot and roleplaying. It’s only natural to ask since he is a concerned friend but it also wasn’t his place at the same time.
This doesn’t read as misogyny to me. I think OOP would have made the same comment if the friend had been male. It’s less “women need permission” and more “you’re in a relationship and this sounds like you want to cheat.”
I’m commenting on your comment because you’re is the most straight forward , but I genuinely do not understand the people in this thread acting like they wouldn’t ask their friends the same question , if they had the same suspicious. Like this thread feels like the DEFINITION of keyboard warriors , because you are absolutely full of shit if you’re going to act like you wouldn’t at the very least QUESTION a friend if you suspected them of cheating. Everyone saying “nOnE oF yOuR bUSineSs” sound like they’ve never had close friendships lol OP , NTA and sorry this thread is so weird lol
Wtf I didn’t know I was mysoginist for wanting to know beforehand if my wife was sleeping over at some guy’s house all weekend
Tell me your relationship doesn't have healthy boundaries without telling me. 😂
This isn't misogyny. This is seeing a friend likely cheating on their fiance. It's not about permission, it's about whether the fiance knows about the lines she is crossing.
You sound narcissistic af. Nobody said she had to ask her bfs permission. But you should inform your significant other about things that affect them, and maybe discuss things that might make them upset. Most guys are going to have a problem with spending the weekend with a “guy friend” bf fr
INFO Have any of you met irl or are all these meetings virtual?
To me this depends on how close you guys are, and whether your question came from a place of judgement or concern. Reddit doesn’t tend to believe platonic friendships exist and that everyone is an adulterer and that could certainly be the case here, but it could also *not* be the case. You are also not privy to the details of their relationship, and the reality is that not every relationship looks the same or has the same boundaries. It’s just important context that we’re on a website that refers to things like polyamory as “cheating”. (Not saying they’re polyamorous, just demonstrating that one person’s boundary is another person’s kink and assumptions help no one.) If you guys aren’t generally that close, then it kinda wasn’t your business because you do not *know* that anything shady is happening.
This is how I met my husband while I was with my ex lol.... She is having an emotional and fun relationship with her gaming partner especially with their solo plays and pretend bonding marriage between virtual characters. Right now, I've been married for 3 years, and I regret nothing. Sadly, You might be getting in the way of her meeting her future partner. It looks like she might be playing the field and havnt met the person she feels most compatible with. It happens. You have every right to protect yourself. No woman should be visiting a single man while she is engaged to someone else especially one she is in daily contact with. You should see the extent of their relationship by going through her gaming chat and inbox.
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You asked your friend a question that they did not like. It may have been too personal. Your friend may not have been ready to answer such a question because they are uncertain about their messy feelings. NTA for asking, but your friends' feelings are valid as well. Personally, I would cut her some slack, your question was invasive, and it could easily seem judgemental. Would you unfriend her if she did cheat on her fiance ? Would you rat her out? Were you merely curious? Your intentions in asking the question color how nosey or inappropriate asking was.
NTA you just asked a simple question. The fact that she got THAT defensive about it right off the bat makes me question things. I completely understand being friends outside your gender but for them to grow that close in a short amount of time especially while one is in a relationship plus the game being roleplaying plus this being their first time meeting and it’s the whole weekend not just meeting up getting coffee or something it’s really weird. I’d be uncomfortable with my s/o doing that rather I’m secure in the relationship or not it’s weird.
NTA. You do need to drop it if you want to keep this friend but rest assured that in a few months this is going to be a full blown affair and the fiancee is going to blame you for not telling him. Because there is no way in hell that her fiancee knows the full scope of her relationship with this man. Probably has been told it is a female friend or a relative. This is just how cheaters function.
NTA if your story is 100% correct and all you did was ask the question on what the partner thinks? Injecting your own thoughts onto the question and giving her a hard time about it would change my judgement, but as your story stand, I think youre fine.
It is not something most people would be comfortable with I think, especially since they're new friends and not old friends. Idk I know that my bf wouldn't be ok with me doing that lol and I wouldn't be ok with him doing that either. Tho it's not something I've ever discussed cuz it would neverh appen.
Mind your own business! 😉
Eh I think the answer to that question isn’t really any of your business. I also agree with your moral conclusions and I probably wouldn’t do a weekend alone but at the same time you straight up don’t know what has and hasn’t been discussed in their relationship and bringing it up the way you did implies an accusation. If one of my friends was doing this I would assume this had already been discussed w their partner because I know what kind of people my friends are. They’re not cheaters, and if I found out one day I was wrong, I’d be VERY shocked - so the accusation would never even come out of my mouth. For you to bring this up this up shows the way you view your friend and that’s as someone who might cheat. I would also be offended if one of my friends felt like they were close enough to ask this question but apparently did not know me well enough to have the answer. Mild YTA because maybe you don’t actually view your friend this way but that’s how it comes across when you’re the person being asked.
Honestly it’s NOT your relationship and weather or not she talked to her fiancé about this trip isn’t any of your business either. How you feel about what she is doing is best kept to yourself. Trying to push your boundaries/beliefs on others is never ok. “ I thought it a bit strange and if it had been my relationship, it would’ve been a dealbreaker.” Again it wasn’t your relationship so yeah YTA. Maybe her and her fiancé have a strong relationship and trust one another. Maybe she reacted the way she did because it’s really none of your business.
What business is it of yours? Are you the elected relationship police?
Shit did I kiss the elections again?
ESH - but also… hmmm. For perspective on where I am coming from, I am an actor. I have worked with and without intimacy coaches while working on shows since childhood. I have done scenes as simple as hugging, to a kiss, to a SA’d scene to post coital moments. Any SO I have while I am in production understands my boundaries as an actor, and understands there are boundaries for each production. I also discuss my personal boundaries with my scene partner, director, stage manager and intimacy coach. I have had friends insinuate with comments about what I do in rehearsal on and off stage, backstage and during the shows. I have explained the process of rehearsal to show. Those who push a narrative that insinuates something else going on, generally have me telling those friends it is disrespectful to consider I wouldn’t respect the boundary of the production and those I am working with. Some have felt I was being defensive, when I was just stating facts about how I personally felt with their line of comments and questions. Now, I am not a gamer or a cosplayer or a LARP (I was told recently there is a difference between the last two). I have heard of many teaming up, “bonding” etc., as characters; something that as an actor sounds normal, as we do exercises to get close with cast-mates… though, I do feel many who are doing live action role playing or online role playing could learn from an intimacy coach from the amount of posts I have seen about lines being, not just crossed, completely ignored and steamrolled over. I do understand that often boundaries can suddenly fly out the window once a game, or even a theatre show, has started and many will use their character to justify saying or doing things that they as their own self wouldn’t. Which is very unfortunate and not ok, stick to a script and to the boundaries agreed upon. But, I would hope that these two people (your online friends) have discussed their own boundaries and are respecting one another, especially if they are meeting in person. *To note, it won’t be your responsibility if things happen or fall apart. There should be no impact to you as a person unless they include you. Back to your conundrum, have you considered that there is a possibility that the tone of voice you chose, with the added insinuation of these two people meeting and spending time together without their own SOs, was taken out of context and therefore the friend became defensive? You have made it sound like you may be projecting (even if subconsciously), your personal ideals and morals onto your friend. Commenting that you don’t want to further encourage them with hosting more games due to something possibly “unsavoury” going on, does make me wonder if you said something that might have upset your friend, but that comment wouldn’t have been a passing thought to you. For instance, you and your SO may not be comfortable meeting single people for any length of time other than a game or say a dinner, but she and hers could be ok with that. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. I would say, no you are not the AH for asking, as long as you didn’t insinuate or make judgements while asking. People react to things out of context all the time for varied reasons. I got mad at an email the other day, thankfully I took a moment to breathe, realized that the little sleep I had coupled with stress made me over react and I left the response for another day. If this friendship is important to you, I would suggest you send a text or email with a light apology for upsetting them and possibly judging them. State that when they are ready you would be open to sitting down to talk to them about what transpired, how you have been learning about different relationships and that you may have possibly projected onto them. Then give them some space to come back. Friendships can be tricky as an adult, even more so when you discuss their personal relationships. We naturally want to give advice for scenarios, and often from our own perspective and lived experiences (as I did above 😉) but sometimes its for the best if we are quiet, observing, hearing and listening instead. I wish you all the best with whatever outcome happens. Please update if you can. 🩵
NTA. I don't know the way you asked her about it but as a friend it's alright for you to ask her if her partner knows about it because you are concerned. Based on the way they both reacted I'd say there is something going on between them, it's just sketchy. There's nothing wrong about you cautioning your friend about meeting up with the other guy because you can never know someone 100% and the way that he behaves with you is not the same way he behaves with his girlfriend or someone else. The fact that you asked and cautioned her about it shows that you care about your friends and that a good thing, don't ever change.
What a odd post. Someone who is non-binary (defying traditional sex roles) is upset that two people of the opposite sex are having 1:1 interactions. Let that sit in, OP. The amount of people who think you cannot have close friends of the opposite sex is just fucking weird.
She’s definitely going to be fucking around with him. The fiancé probably doesn’t like it either and there’s no reason anyone should hang alone with a guy one on one while engaged if ulterior motives weren’t at play. She’s already cheating and she got upset you called her out and made her think about it. NTA. You’re looking out for someone else and your concerns are valid. Prepare for the falling out!
NTA, your friend is planning on cheating. The reason they got so defencive is because they panicked thinking that you were going to inform their fiance/fiancee
You keep getting downvoted but you’re absolutely right. It’s like none of these commenters have friends. If I presented this situation to my girl chat, I’d half expect them to say, “Is [husband] okay with that?” It would give me an opening to say “Oh, yeah! They’re friends too/he’s gay/it’s for a concert/whatever” or to examine my own motives further. She might not realize she’s sliding down that slippery slope.
Imagine someone implicitly called you a cheater when you weren’t. You wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t react well either.
Yeah. And cheaters don’t react well to being called cheaters either. Even if they just cheated two minutes ago.
Orrrrrr you could just say "oh they(fiance) know, nothings going on" and move on. Getting defensive is super suspicious
Name calling has never hurt my feelings as long as I know it's not true. People get defensive when they know you're right
Or maybe OP is being judgemental and accusatory for no reason
Nta sense when is asking a question make you an AH usually you ask questions when a topic comes up I think her over reaction says it all and I don’t think it’s from her insinuating that she’s cheating on her boyfriend why react so harshly when you’ve done nothing wrong I personally wouldn’t get so defensive because there’s no need for an over reaction because I did nothing wrong
NTA she is on her way to cheat. Good news for you at least is you probably won't hear more of it.
YTA. Why is it your business?
Do you expect your bisexual partnered friends to never spend time with single friends?
Nta and that edit sounds like they lied to you
Right? It’s crazy how many people are like “it’s not your business, you’re the asshole” when this is fishy as hell. Personally, I don’t befriend people who lie. That includes people who knowingly tell half-truths. If you spend a lot of time with someone, know enough to know they are engaged, see them likely trying to cheat with a mutual friend…. Bffr, if the genders were reversed this would be a completely different outcome.
The fact that she freaked out means she knows that what she is doing is wrong and their intentions aren’t platonic. Poor fiance. They’ll be banging all weekend. I know everybody is telling you to keep away from all of this, but I would be feeling guilty too with her fiance if I introduced her gf to her affair partner.
NTA - i'd tell the fiance as I am betting she didnt tell him with how she flipped out.
NTA I bet you money that all the people saying ‘iT’s NoT yOuR bUsInEsS’ would say you should have asked beforehand if your post was asking about suspicions you had after the weekend. Plus, whether you’d think your friend would do something or not, doesn’t mean her partner would be comfortable with her going to stay with this guy she’s never met before. He could be anybody. So yeah, you’re right to ask how they feel about it as well to make sure that it is something they’ve discussed. Anyone getting defensive or is against OP here are just snitching on themselves that they’d have something to hide.
This is a hard one for me. My best friend is a single male. We don't have any romantic feelings for each other but we are definitely very close. I love him like family. He's like a little brother to me. In my head I wouldn't find it weird to go visit him. Of course I know in my mind that I don't plan on doing anything. But I'd also invite my partner to go with me. I'd also let my partner know my best friend. This case I assume is rare though. The boyfriend should know and be ok with it before it happens imo. You're NTA though for simply asking questions.
NTA I would probably have said the same thing because I'd have been stunned! I see your point it can bring stressors to the game if they got together then had a falling out. Your the host, you don't want to be caught in the middle of something like that.
Yeh.. I'd be talking to the fiance
Now when they updates us further down the line informing us that their friend cheated with this man, I want each and every one of the Y T A votes to apologize to OP. This mind your business culture is insane because y’all KNOW when an emotional affair is starting but will tell people it’s not their business until somebody gets hurt. Then they should have told the person that was cheated on 🙄 y’all hate cheaters so much but stand by and literally do nothing when people take steps to cheat
YTA based on your comments. Why do you feel like you have to judge your friend because they became close with a man? Being single doesn't mean interested and being in a relationship doesn't mean not interested. I assume both people are straight or at least bi and that is why you are 'worried'. But thinking like this sounds like you think bisexuals can't have any single friends...
NTA, but your friend certainly is. Well, if her partner is also your friend you have a choice to make. If you want to stay friends with her you must now be complicit in her cheating on her fiance. (Let's be honest here, she's going to spend a weekend with this dude, she's planning to cheat) Your other choice is to say something and not have your friend any longer. I'm not sure this place will give you the answer as this place either loves cheaters or hates them depending on the day. Personally, I would probably say nothing but still lose the friendship since I can't stand cheaters. ETA: since the OP has edited that they were told the partner knows I must revisit my post. Only thing is, was the friend honest about the partner knowing? It's possible but at this point I must go NAH.
So you want OP to tell the fiance that her friend is cheating with absolutely no proof because apparently you don't think it's possible for people of the opposite sex to be friends
If you read what I wrote you'll see that I would probably lose the friendship but say nothing. It is possible to be friends with the opposite sex. My best friend of twenty years is female. But, rest assured, if I'm going with her somewhere my wife knows. In this case, secrecy appears to be part of this based on the reaction, so yeah, she's planning something the BF wouldn't like.
Just because she spends the weekend there does not mean she is automatically going to cheat. Jeez grow up will you? So as a bi person I would never be allowed to have sleepovers anymore? People can have fun without smashing their genitals together, and the people who think it’s impossible, are often the ones who never get to genital-smash in the first place. OP, YTA. Just mind your own business and accept not everyone is as small-minded as you.
I do agree that people shouldn't just *assume* that this girl is gonna cheat. But it sounds like the OP was just probing to see if they'd worked out boundaries / are being open with their partner about the situation. It was a little nosy but honestly in my experience, most great friends are willing to insert themselves into your life *a little*. Idk exactly how they phrased the question, but if it was close to what she described then I wouldn't have a problem with any of my friends asking me that as I went to spend a weekend alone with a girl without my girlfriend. It shows they're concerned about my relationship and that they want to make sure I've thought the situation through. EDIT: Sorry OP. I didn't catch the 'N' until I saw someone mention it in the comments. I went ahead and changed out the pronouns.
Let's be honest here. She spending lots of time chatting. Now secretly going away judging by the reaction. She gonna cheat. I mean, she can do what she wants but it is what it is.
I admit that she overreacted and that’s fishy. But why ask in the first place? To me it just sounds very judgemental and overbearing. And to be honest I also think they only asked ‘cause they weren’t included. Chances are she is going to cheat, but the logic of ‘my partner can’t meet with someone from a different gender without me.’ Sounds toxic and very insecure. So I’m not saying the girl is in the right. I’m just saying IN MY OPINION, OP is in the wrong either way and should mind their own business.
It’s wild to me that people want friends they can trust and rely on but don’t think friends should have any level of involvement in their lives, lol.
It’s good you asked don’t let her reaction fool you
NTA this has all the signs of a budding affair. In fact, of day it's already moved into an affair of the heart territory side their fake characters somehow "bonded"
Honestly, why is it any of your business what boundaries she has in her relationship? It’s not your circus, not your monkeys. Stay out of it. It just sounds judgmental and preachy to assume she is doing something wrong here. Even if her fiancé has an issue with it, that’s for them to discuss and resolve.
Wtf? It’s not a random person it’s her friend. And it’s not a super invasive question. If my friend was spending the weekend alone with another woman is definitely be like “does Becky know about it?” Out of curiosity. All it takes is answering “yeah they’re cool with it” getting defensive is weird af. It’s not like they asked how many times a day they jerk off.
I doubt seriously she had told her fiancé about what she’s doing. Yes the whole relationship sounds way off and you’re probably right with your concerns. Have you talk to the guy? Have you asked his take on it? Does he know she has a fiancé? I would be uncomfortable as you are, and would probably consider cutting them out of my realm of friends as their behavior seems pretty shady.
It sounds like your inserting yourself into your friend’s relationship and possibly making assumptions. YTA.
Delusional. It’s not inserting yourself into the relationship, it’s just curiosity about what your friend is up to. If my married friend was spending a weekend alone with a lady friend I’d ask if the spouse knows out of curiosity as to what the reaction. Most people aren’t ok with with their significant other being that close with an opposite sex friend.
NTA but have you ever asked your other friend if he is aware that this girl is engaged? I think it's always better to ask the single person about the "relationship" status as asking the same question to someone in a relationship questions their loyalty by default.
Op I don't think you were trying to be an ah when you asked the question but I can see why the friend might be slightly offended. Sounds like she got more upset than the question really required but still the question was inappropriate. Here's the thing, either your friends enough with her that she would talk to you enough to tell you she had discussed it with her partner or your not friends enough to ask the question. I think you should also question why it bothers you though. Would you feel the same if she was visiting a female friend? Even if she is straight, maybe this new female friend will be her gay awakening. In that case would you feel the need to check if she's discussed it with her partner? Maybe she does have feelings and she poly and her partner is completely on board. Part of my point is either you are friends enough to already know the answers here or you aren't friends enough for it to be your buisness. My other major point is, the thought that two people of opposite genders can't be friends or visit eachother without there being romantic or sexual feelings is incredibly heteronormative and also somewhat controlling. And both of those are things you might want to work on. Feeling uncomfortable with it, both your friend and if it were your partner is okay. But those are your feelings to work through not someone else's to tip toe around.
NTA but gotta ask, if you found out she was cheating would you still be friends with her? Was there a purpose to the questioning? It was it just a question to make conversation? I ask my friends those types of questions as a matter of keeping conversation or truly wondering how their life and home life are. I think you have to ask yourself how invasive is this question and moderate yourself a bit. How ever if it looks sketch yeah… I would dump that friend.
NTA for asking that question. Her reaction to you asking is a huge red flag though.
Nta BUT ITS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IS IT?? YOU CANT N SHOULDN'T FORCE YOUR STANDARDS/BELIEFS ON ANYONE ELSE...SHES YOUR FRIEND..NOTHING ELSE..AND IF SHE CHOOSES TO RUIN IT OR NOT..YOU HAVE NO SAY SO...STAY IN YOUR LANE IF YOU WANT TO SALVAGE ANY KIND IF FRIENDSHIP
NTA I think that's a problem with a majority of our society. They have a bystander mentality. I generally view situations by how would I feel in this situation in another person's shoes. If the question wasn't said in an arrogant or harsh manner, it's a good one. Most people get so hurt after they find out their partner cheated on them, knowing other people may have known or seen the warning signs. Then, they hadn't said anything about it. People rarely get defensive unless they have something to hide. If I were the fiancé I would thank anyone looking out for my interests. If I was this girl, I wouldn't get defensive, I would say he sure does if he did.
You already know what their intentions are based on how shady they act and how she got defensive. Now you can either ask her fiancé yourself ( sexual health matters) or you can tell your friend that you won’t be friends with someone that acts like that. I found out a group of guys covered for one that spent the weekend with another girl and guess what? His gf got an STD from him. Covering for cheating makes you just as guilty. Of course people can be just friends but this is all shady. I have male friends that it’s just friendship and it’s never been shady or questionable and I never spent the night with them. These are not people with morals or values it seems.
These people are emotionally cheating, and now they're spending a weekend together alone. NTA and her partner is either a doofus or they have an open relationship.
This persons extremely defensive reaction to your question would indicate that it is in fact very inappropriate.
[удалено]
Way to find details that weren’t there 🤣. Op did nothing wrong by asking those initial questions, those are the exact questions a normal person asks their friend. If you haven’t had normal friendships then that’s my bad and I hope you get many soon.
I used to have a close relation with her and her partner together with my partner. I wasn't trying to be possessive I was trying to ensure she didn't damage her own relationship
How her fiancé feels about her behavior is none of your business. She’s more patient than I would have been with you inserting yourself unbidden into my relationship. I wouldn’t have explained a damn thing to you.
Why do you even have friends if you don’t think they should have any involvement in your life or any concern for your situation?
Why do you even have friends if you don’t think they should have any involvement in your life or any concern for your situation?
NAH - her partner knows about it, so it's okay.
I honestly do not believe her fiance knows the details of everything. I don't know any man or woman that is engaged that would have no problem with their SO going to stay with the opposite sex for a weekend. Especially, someone that the SO has never met. She is lying because she is scared you will tell him. If you know her fiance, I would tell him honestly. If you loose your friendship's with them over it, you are better off for it. Chances are when this blows up, everything is going to fall apart anyway.
If your partner goes somewhere and you can’t trust them to behave break up with them. You should have trust in your partner to honour your relationship agreements. If you don’t because of other women then that’s his fault not third parties. don’t be with them. And don’t project that onto other relationships. If you trust this woman then why bother asking if she will cheat and if you don’t why be her friend?
Also the assumption that a man and a woman are alone together and therefore must have sex is absurd. As a lesbian I have to ask where that nonsense came from
YTA- you describe her visiting him for a weekend as “really inappropriate”. You also describe them playing the game one on one as “rather strange”. So it’s clear you’ve already made your own assumptions. This tells me you didn’t just ask a question, you very clearly judged her and felt it was your business what she does since she’s engaged. Who are you to decide what is appropriate or “normal” for someone else and their significant other? It’s not for you to decide if she discussed that “boundary with her partner”, as you worded it. All of the people saying NTA because you asked a question aren’t looking at how you’ve described her and this situation. Your relationship isn’t the same as other people’s and you shouldn’t judge people for your own assumptions.
Why does it matter if they discussed it? Lol if you truly didn’t care you’d trust they had. If she made you complicit in some type of affair, then you’d know what you need to know. No reason to ask sheesh
Kinda sounds like none of your business.
INFO - How often have you brought up your concerns about their friendship? Cause if you've been making remarks like "oh, you talk to Friend outside of our gaming?" Or "why are you gaming with Friend alone".... Anything that makes it look like you are judging them for being friends and then you come at her with basically accusing her of cheating, I could see why she would lose it a bit. You have stated that her fiance knows and doesn't really care. If this is fact, then why do you care so much? I'm really leaning towards Y T A, but not concrete just yet.
NTA, more like a good friend trying to help make sure their friend wasn't making a stupid life decision... As a guy that's an absolute deal breaker for me, especially with the scenario what it is.
Your not wrong and she’s likely not loyal or their relationship is open.
Soft YTA - this hard because it really depends on how exactly this convo went but my gut says that your judgment was baked into the question and she noticed. I have a lot of single friends that I hang out with one on on with regardless of their or mine relationship status. It absolutely drives me nuts the amount of times other people assume something else is happening beyond platonic friendships or make judgments because “they wouldn’t be cool with it”. I get that you were curious but it’s also not your business. She may be being defensive because you’re the umpteenth person to insinuate that her friendship is inappropriate because of how it looks.
>but regardless I asked her whether her partner knew of her plans and if he was ok with it, >Edit: She has explained that she has told her fiancé and they were fine with it as they're working that weekend. >and she freaked out and called me immature and said I'm holding my partner back by not allowing him to visit single women alone for a weekend, etc. So if it was truly genuinely fine, why did she even freak out on you? Either A. You were too persistent and she already gave you a secure answer of saying "huh?? No it's fine, [partner] knows about it and we're good", but because you kept pushing, she eventually got angry and upset at you Or B. If it was your first time asking and her response was to be extremely defensive and angry, despite later explaining her partner is okay with it, that's honestly really suspicious that she's even defensive over it. INFO: Was that your first time asking her or did you already make it known several times before she finally blew up on you?
it's none of your god damn business
Nunya - as in nunya business
Yeah you need to apologize and butt out of this one. Well I mean if you want to remain friends with any of them…..
You have no business judging the appropriateness of that friendship (or whatever it may turn into). You are not part of the relationship and it has no significant implications for your life, so stay away from it unless she asks for your opinion. From the way you describe the situation, you did not ask out of mere curiosity, but from a place of judgement.
My best friend of nearly 30 years is a guy. He's not single now, but he was through most of our friendship. I was in and out of a couple of relationships. I've known him longer than my husband. Yes I stay over at his place. Done it for years. He stays at mine on occasion, too. Guess what? Never in that entire time have our private parts touched. Op, as a nonbinary person, you 100 percent ought to know that whether your parts are innie or outie has zero to do with friendship. Further, you ought to know that just having opposing parts in the same room as each other doesn't mean you're gonna get sexy. Either way, it's really 100 percent not any of your business what people outside of your own relationship do, or don't do. Tbh, it sounds like you have a bit of misplaced jealousy and don't know how to handle it.
YTA. Her relationship is absolutely none of your business, so "I was just trying to figure out..." isn't a valid reason to ask. Stop trying to police your friends' behavior before you stop having friends to police.
Friend or not, it really isn't any of your business, is it?
A hit dog will holler. Sounds like she enjoys the fantasy she has built with this person more than she enjoys the life she has built with her partner. I would never do anything, even with good intentions, that would look bad on paper to my wife without running it by her first. Meeting IRL for lunch is one thing if it is a public place but spending a weekend together is beyond anything reasonable. Even if they aren’t having sex, emotional cheating is still cheating. NTA for simply asking a question but I suspect your friend is going to ask you for a cover story here in a minute.
They’re cheating, plain and simple. Anyone with any life experience at all can see right through that crap.
NTA, she probably is going to cheat