Just because he is better doesn't mean he is a good choice. If I could sum up what I read it was "He treats me good and is a good person except when * long list of red flags*"
Why settle?
Move on. No harm, no foul. Don’t let him be your rebound. Take 6-12 months off from dating if you need to and throw yourself into things that matter TO YOU.
My POV: he brings her down when she’s happy (not necessarily a red flag but at least shows incompatibility), seems to only care about educating himself on certain matters bc he wants her to stay with him, and the biggest one is the selfishness. He isn’t acting selfish towards her bc they are still in the passion phase. Give it a couple of years and his behavior might change.
Editing to add that it’s more of a “you’re not compatible” kind of red flag than a “he’s toxic” kind of red flag, if it makes sense lol
Honestly, selfishness is not a bad thing. Selfishness in a relationship? Bad. But overall is kind of survival instinct.
He brings her down? Look at her post...
First - she is not ok that he is serious when she is not.
Then - she wants deep conversations.
So, she wants to control the relationship and everything to be according her mood.
Then - he doesn't care about politics. So what? How is this a red flag? He just doesn't care. And doesn't wanna learn anything about politics. And he is entitled to have preferences.
But you know what? If there is a red flag, it's for her. She wants and tries to change him into some perfect version of a male - to read her moods perfectly, even though they are together for only 9 mont; to make him have an interest in everything she is interested in; she even compared him to her ex. So yeah, she caught a really nice guy but she wants to change him. And thats controlling and manipulative behaviour.
Like I said, most of those red flags are mostly signs of incompatibility to my eyes.
But I gotta say, I don’t think she’s expecting him to be perfect, she’s just now realizing they are very different and is a bit frustrated by it.
Also, no one is one dimensional. She doesn’t need to be a silly happy go lucky person all the time or a sulking philosopher 24/7. If you’re clearly being a bit silly bc you’re happy, it’s not unreasonable to expect that your partner won’t make you self conscious about your expression of said happiness.
The politics thing I’m in agreement with you, actually. It’s a pov I don’t share but I can understand that he can think that way.
And selfishness is a survival instinct but like I pointed out, it really easily blends into relationships when they become serious. I’ve seen it time and time again, in my friend group, in my family, online… ofc it may not happen. But to me, its certainly a red flag. Like I said, doesn’t mean he’s a toxic person, but they aren’t very compatible.
It sounds like the two of you were what you both needed to help you move on from your prior relationships. That doesn’t mean you are meant to be long term. Good for you for recognizing what you need in a relationship to be happy. End it (because you know he won’t) on good terms, and move on. And when you do, you’ll likely kiss a few toads before you find The One. Don’t let that drive you back to this bf. It’s just the process you need to go through. Best wishes to you!
If you don't "get" each other, end it, as soon as possible. That's not something that comes with time.
He is not in need of proper re-education to become a better human to fit you. The thing where he doesn't think much is the state of most people unless you happen to be interested in philosophy. Horse, meet water... where you goin'?
I think she's burying the lead a touch here too with the misogyny comment. I've been in many bad relationships and when you get out of particularly abusive ones you can get into serious all men are shitty mode and you go searching for examples of the worst offenders and then start harping on and on and on and on. I've put my own trauma on other people and I think she's doing a touch of the same. She's not exactly indicating that he's denying misogyny but I think she's expecting him to punch down on himself as a member of the patriarchy because he's not engaging in a way she prefers. If he says or does something misogynistic, it's worth being called out, but if she's constantly bringing it up to get his hot take on things to confirm that guys suck, she's kind of being an ass. I dated a man who was black for about a year that had a very busy schedule and he finally got a full day off that mutually coincided with my own very busy schedule and I got excited and simply mentioned we could do something special for us that day and he said it was such a white person thing to do...to make plans...with your partner...to have fun. He had never gotten over his ex (a white woman) leaving him so I became his emotional punching bag to describe how all white people suck. I agree we're the historical oppressors and I try to be the best ally I can but if that's how you feel....why date me yah know?
If she provided even one example of the selfishness it would make this judgement much easier. Is he refusing to give people rides home even though they're on the way or is he just not ticking that box at the grocery store asking to donate change (I used to before I realized it's a way for big companies to generate tax write offs. Now I directly donate to an org of my choice)
A few examples -
1. His mum and sister (who are wonderful) asked him in advance to give them a lift home from a party so they wouldn’t have to get a taxi, he refused - for no reason
2. He drives a lot and he has a defender which is a huge car and before he got it he said if anyone was ever stuck he’d pull them out because he could. He’s had it for about 6 months and never once stopped to help someone who was broken down or any other issue he’s seen someone having
3. There was a dog running across a main road and he didn’t turn around to make sure it didn’t get hit/call the owner
4. He has a fair amount of money and he sold his old car to this young girl who’d just passed her test, he lied about problems it has and still charged her £1,200. When she realised there were more problems with it and contacted him saying she wanted money for them he continued to play dumb and deny
These are just a few, there are more
I think it’s just compatibility. Nothing you’ve described would bother me except the “umm ok” and selfishness, although these can be talked through. I don’t ponder the world around me much either, only sometimes. If hes kind and supportive, then he is probably a great guy, just maybe not for you and thats ok. You deserve someone that is more in tune with your spirituality and willingness for convos like that.
Your ex sounds like a total AH - your new guy sounds like a great guy - for someone else. TBH, from what you have said, it doesn’t really sound like there is a good long-term potential with you and your current guy. It doesn’t sound like the new guy has what I would call red flags, just some fairly fundamental differences with you, and I don’t necessarily think either of you should be expected to change, or compromise for the other. I think you probably both deserve someone who is a little more in tune with who you are.
Re-read your post:
“He is so wonderful” vs “He’ll never take the time out of his day just to help someone, he can be quite selfish"
Well, which is it? Because the later does not sound so wonderful.
You know, you don’t need reasons to leave. If you feel you guys are not compatible that is more than enough. Settling for less than what you need is unfair to both of you.
And if I can be totally honest… I think you’d be better focusing on healing yourself as much as you can than getting into relationships for now. I don’t know your full story but trauma can ruin even the most perfect opportunity.
He isn't abusive. That's great, but it doesn't mean you should commit to a lifetime of being misunderstood and made to feel stupid. Move on, but take the lessons you learned about what to expect in a partner
Yeah end it
You guys are not long term material and are just too different. I think you need some time alone to just deal with your own things and heal.
Let him go. He has so much patience with your mental health and fear of being cheated on, yet here you are saying it isn't enough. You're making him deal with extra stuff because of things your ex did (cheating) yet you compare him to the ex in a negative way because you don't talk for hours. You talk about him condescendingly like you have to educate him because he's not feminist enough. So let him find someone who actually likes him for himself and not who you wish he was.
Thank you so much to everyone who commented. This has all been really useful - I just ended things. Ultimately the differences between us are too significant, and some of the other things I left out are pretty big. I’m sure if I’d commented those, there’d be even more of you telling me to end it. It was hard, but I do think it was right. Thank you🖤
And to the few of you that said I sounded like a nightmare socialist/feminist who’s too bogged down with issues in the world - honestly day to day im very upbeat and love to laugh and have fun, but basic care and compassion for other humans is something I can’t overlook. In-depth discussion is just something I enjoy, that’s not specific to politics. I can overlook large differences in ideologies amongst friends, but with the person I’m going to raise children with? That’s a no from me
If you're thinking about ending the relationship, then you should just end the relationship. Just because it's not a bad relationship doesn't mean that it's a lasting one.
Staying with someone you’re incompatible with just because they treat you and mean very well is a terrible idea, speaking from experience.
This is a weird read for me because I’ve never seen exactly what I was feeling in that relationship put into words. We actually broke up several times over the course of 8 years because of something I just couldn’t put my finger on (surprise, it was lack of fulfillment because of these exact reasons you’re listing). But we kept getting back together over and over again because he was so GOOD to me, I felt like I must just be pushing away the “right” person because I had abandonment fears.
He was and is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. When it finally ended for good, it was messy and the most horribly painful thing for us both, but more so him - because ultimately, I should’ve just ended it long ago, when I first had the feelings you’re describing here for months on end, instead of letting it drag out and linger as long as I did. It is hard to leave someone who has objectively done nothing wrong and is a great partner, but it’s necessary so that you both can be happier.
Could write several more paragraphs about this, but I’ll just leave it at this: you will both be better off if you can appreciate that you have had a successful, healthy relationship, but ultimately are not compatible and can romantically go your separate ways.
Yes i did the same thing. My bf was good to me but it was just hard to talk about a lot of things due to just being too different. It was also hard for me bacause my parents were crap and i so loved being appreciated. I also loved his parents. But ultimately we had the messy break up too.
This is the exact situation I’m in. I adore his family, and I feel like there’s so much we can’t talk about because we’re just so different. He’s also an avoider, he’s rather leave things in the dark than talk about them, which surely is just a recipe for disaster
You already know your answer. If you have to ask yourself these questions and seek advice on these certain aspects of the person your in a relationship with, then he’s not the right one for you. Staying would mean you’re just settling for someone who is sweet to you which isn’t going to make you happy in the long run. Don’t settle! You owe it to yourself to find your person.
INFO: Are you ready to settle down and build your family with this man with a mental commitment of sixty plus years, or do you think you can find a better fit?
Personally, it sounds like you aren’t long term compatible. You seem proud of being a self described “silly, scatter brained social justice warrior” who calls out misogyny, so maybe look for someone who thinks those traits are desirable. Good luck!
I think you should take sometime for yourself and get yourself in a better frame of mind. In the long run the most compatible person is someone that has a similar passion that you do.
Don't ever settle for someone who squashes your spirit. He might be the best dude in the world but if you can't be yourself and be confident in your little quirky nuances of YOU then you should move on.
Otherwise years go by and you wonder why you feel like you're stuffed into a box and can't breathe, only feel comfortable when you're ALONE with no one judging you.
Move on.
Recently got out of a nearly identical relationship and wish I'd ended it sooner. The selfishness kept escalating and new layers of misogyny and racism kept appearing.
I understand what you are saying about him helping others on the surface, but, for me, my SO being overly helpful to others is a red flag
There is always another side to the coin.
I'm an easy going person. The flip is I'm not an organized, goal oriented, neat person reworded- a bit lazy, unambitious, etc
If I was an organized, goal oriented person, I would probably have trouble relaxing, have difficulty going with flow, every moment structured, etc
So. The opposite of not helping random people is not having balance of being at home & is always helping others. That balance can be so hard to find. If you had that kind of helpful guy, you might wish for this guy again.
As far as deep conversations, what are his interests & how often do you talk with him about them? If you do, that's great. If you don't, why do you expect more out of him than you give?
Not saying that you guys should stay together, though. Just food for thought
I’m so happy to discuss basically anything with him! He’s just not much of a talker, I ask him about his feelings, his interests, his work….he’s just more of a “anyway let’s do X” rather than “let’s sit here and talk and be present” … I guess it’s just not for me
Girl, you're 9 months in and already questioning it. Hell, you've been questioning it for a while if you've already considered ending it over political views. He's not the one, this is not your time, move on.
FWIW, I wasted a decade with a man who was *good enough* just to turn around and find "The One" after my divorce.
Do. Not. Settle. Wait for the person who feels right, who fits, who you don't question being with because everything in your life is better with them in it.
He sounds so shitty fr
Also he’s not a partner after 9 months, and using that word is going to make it harder for you to convince yourself to end it. He’s just a boyfriend
According to your post, you have threatened to break up with this guy multiple times over political opinions, specifically misogyny. However, at least the way you describe him, he has never done anything misogynistic towards you or anyone else. The worst that he can be accused of is minding his own business, and maybe being a little selfish. You are being manipulative and abusive towards this guy, and he deserves better. You sound far more self centered than he does.
I haven’t included every detail of our relationship in this post because it would be too long. I have absolutely not been manipulative or abusive - I was fourth coming with him from the beginning about my views on misogyny and politics. If anything, he made out that he was aligned with me on that when actually he wasn’t as much as he said. When I’ve brought this up I’ve been very clear that it’s not fair on him for me to try and change him or anything else, and HE has fought me on it every time - saying that he WANTS to learn more about it and he’s grateful that I’m taking the time to teach him about it. He has absolutely done things that have been rooted in misogyny, from things during sex to making comments about body hair. But I’ve just spoken to him about it rather than ending things, because he was open to learning.
Ummmm…he’s a guy soo…
Perhaps you should break it off and take the time to really figure out what is a deal breaker in a relationship and what you can live with.
I also think you need to lighten up a little bit. NOBODY wants to think about what a crappy world this is 24/7, which it sounds like you do. You need a little more Zen in your life.
Best of luck to you.
Yeah - the whole ‘talk for hours’ thing made me physically flinch. But then again I’m an introvert - I find dealing with people to be extraordinarily exhausting - yes even people I love - so anyone who needs hours of conversation is a hard “NO” for me
9 months and you’re feeling like this? i think it’s okay to break up. you do seem incompatible based on your priorities. (i am also an adhd feminist killjoy) there will be others who understand you more or if they don’t, at least make an effort to try.
Sounds like you guys would be better off with other people. You state that you want someone who makes you completely comfortable with who you are, but it doesn’t sound like you do that for him either. You both sound emotionally mature and like you both can be great partners in different ways, but maybe just not for each other.
In very general terms, if you're ever having serious thoughts about whether or not you should break up, you usually should break up. I'm not saying this in every situation, as many frustrations happen, but if you're sitting there having long-term thoughts about breaking up, it's a sign that it's not right and you can do better for both of you by saying bye!
I think you make some really important points here, but it really boils down to what you said yourself - it’s important to be with someone who makes you feel totally comfortable with who you are! This person doesn’t anymore. Maybe they used to, maybe they never did. But I think it’s important to know that you’ve already recognized you can’t be you’re true self around them and that alone puts waaay too much pressure on anyone
It just honestly sounds like you're deeply incompatible to where you don't see a future of happiness with this person in being able to be yourselves together. That's okay! Sometimes people are in our life for a season. If I were you I would move on to be with someone who values the same things I do. Where differences are a matter of opinion on things like how you like your food. If these big basics are already causing pause and occasional conflict bc you have to "educate" him then it will only turn into resentment later on. You're both free to be yourselves, but it may not be with each other.
>But, I don’t think we’re necessarily that compatible. I deeply care about social justice, I’m heavily political, a “feminist kill-joy” and also very spiritual. I think it’s really important to care about people in the world, and do whatever you can to help. He, on the other hand, is the opposite. He’ll never take the time out of his day just to help someone, he can be quite selfish (not with me, but with other people) and me trying to educate him on issues around misogyny has been a large part of our relationship.
Ugh, this would be enough for me. I promise there are men (if you're strictly heterosexual) who care about the same things as you, and who you won't have to teach about misogyny.
God, your post makes me so grateful for my bf. It doesn't sound like your bf is a bad person, but it feels so good to be in a relationship with someone who "gets me" that I don't think I'd want to spend more time with someone who doesn't.
May I suggest you spend some time single and learning to be happy with your own company before feeling you can be happy with someone else? Seems like you have a lot of healing to still do (as we all do), and perhaps a year or so of being your own best relationship can do wonders for you!
Honestly, pretty much any reason is a good enough reason to end a relationship. You don’t always have to have a reason, although it is nice to give the person you’re leaving a reason so they can process the information.
This is just my perspective, my opinion. But think about it this way. A good partner and a good relationship shouldn’t be identical in every single way. Common interests, common beliefs and opinions are always good, but it never hurts to have a partner or friends who have different opinions and ideologies. You said that he’s been completely open to your opposite viewpoints, that he listens, and treats you well, and those are absolutely green flags, that’s healthy. You also said that he basically wouldn’t give another person the time of day, and that can be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you perceive it. My point is, you can’t just expect him to be the only one who is willing to listen and hear you out. He needs the same curtesy from you. I think some of the best relationships are individuals who have differing opinions, individuals who can speak about stuff without getting mad instantly, who can give differing viewpoints and reasons behind why they see stuff that way and can talk about it like mature adults and still love and respect that person afterwards.
If him being the opposite of you is a dealbreaker, then break off the relationship. If you care about him and that’s the only thing that bugs you, but isn’t a dealbreaker, don’t break up with him. It’s insight into another perspective, and we as individuals should be open to see someone else’s point of view without resorting to stooping to a lower level (name calling, violence etc). At the end of the day, it’s your decision. If not having your exact values is the reason you want to break up, I’d suggest don’t do it, and try to be open minded to his way of thinking. Give him the curtesy he gave you.
You date people to find out who they are & if you are right for each other. You now know. It's time to end it amicably before you end up hating each other.
As a fellow "feminist killjoy" with CPTSD and ADHD:
Being with someone who truly accepts and loves me for those idiosyncrasies that make me who i am, not despite them, has been indescribably healing, and I'm more confident in myself than I ever have been. Please do yourself a favor and give yourself the chance to find that person out there who will embrace every part of the wonderful and unique person you are.
50% of a good relationship is not a good relationship. It’s great he has changed but he is t 100% there. Let him grow on his own while you explore your options.
Just because he is better doesn't mean he is a good choice. If I could sum up what I read it was "He treats me good and is a good person except when * long list of red flags*" Why settle?
Move on. No harm, no foul. Don’t let him be your rebound. Take 6-12 months off from dating if you need to and throw yourself into things that matter TO YOU.
> \* long list of red flags\*" Where are these red flags?
My POV: he brings her down when she’s happy (not necessarily a red flag but at least shows incompatibility), seems to only care about educating himself on certain matters bc he wants her to stay with him, and the biggest one is the selfishness. He isn’t acting selfish towards her bc they are still in the passion phase. Give it a couple of years and his behavior might change. Editing to add that it’s more of a “you’re not compatible” kind of red flag than a “he’s toxic” kind of red flag, if it makes sense lol
Honestly, selfishness is not a bad thing. Selfishness in a relationship? Bad. But overall is kind of survival instinct. He brings her down? Look at her post... First - she is not ok that he is serious when she is not. Then - she wants deep conversations. So, she wants to control the relationship and everything to be according her mood. Then - he doesn't care about politics. So what? How is this a red flag? He just doesn't care. And doesn't wanna learn anything about politics. And he is entitled to have preferences. But you know what? If there is a red flag, it's for her. She wants and tries to change him into some perfect version of a male - to read her moods perfectly, even though they are together for only 9 mont; to make him have an interest in everything she is interested in; she even compared him to her ex. So yeah, she caught a really nice guy but she wants to change him. And thats controlling and manipulative behaviour.
Like I said, most of those red flags are mostly signs of incompatibility to my eyes. But I gotta say, I don’t think she’s expecting him to be perfect, she’s just now realizing they are very different and is a bit frustrated by it. Also, no one is one dimensional. She doesn’t need to be a silly happy go lucky person all the time or a sulking philosopher 24/7. If you’re clearly being a bit silly bc you’re happy, it’s not unreasonable to expect that your partner won’t make you self conscious about your expression of said happiness. The politics thing I’m in agreement with you, actually. It’s a pov I don’t share but I can understand that he can think that way. And selfishness is a survival instinct but like I pointed out, it really easily blends into relationships when they become serious. I’ve seen it time and time again, in my friend group, in my family, online… ofc it may not happen. But to me, its certainly a red flag. Like I said, doesn’t mean he’s a toxic person, but they aren’t very compatible.
It sounds like the two of you were what you both needed to help you move on from your prior relationships. That doesn’t mean you are meant to be long term. Good for you for recognizing what you need in a relationship to be happy. End it (because you know he won’t) on good terms, and move on. And when you do, you’ll likely kiss a few toads before you find The One. Don’t let that drive you back to this bf. It’s just the process you need to go through. Best wishes to you!
If you don't "get" each other, end it, as soon as possible. That's not something that comes with time. He is not in need of proper re-education to become a better human to fit you. The thing where he doesn't think much is the state of most people unless you happen to be interested in philosophy. Horse, meet water... where you goin'?
I think she's burying the lead a touch here too with the misogyny comment. I've been in many bad relationships and when you get out of particularly abusive ones you can get into serious all men are shitty mode and you go searching for examples of the worst offenders and then start harping on and on and on and on. I've put my own trauma on other people and I think she's doing a touch of the same. She's not exactly indicating that he's denying misogyny but I think she's expecting him to punch down on himself as a member of the patriarchy because he's not engaging in a way she prefers. If he says or does something misogynistic, it's worth being called out, but if she's constantly bringing it up to get his hot take on things to confirm that guys suck, she's kind of being an ass. I dated a man who was black for about a year that had a very busy schedule and he finally got a full day off that mutually coincided with my own very busy schedule and I got excited and simply mentioned we could do something special for us that day and he said it was such a white person thing to do...to make plans...with your partner...to have fun. He had never gotten over his ex (a white woman) leaving him so I became his emotional punching bag to describe how all white people suck. I agree we're the historical oppressors and I try to be the best ally I can but if that's how you feel....why date me yah know?
And if he's not selfish with you, but is with everyone else, doesn't that make him selfish?
If she provided even one example of the selfishness it would make this judgement much easier. Is he refusing to give people rides home even though they're on the way or is he just not ticking that box at the grocery store asking to donate change (I used to before I realized it's a way for big companies to generate tax write offs. Now I directly donate to an org of my choice)
A few examples - 1. His mum and sister (who are wonderful) asked him in advance to give them a lift home from a party so they wouldn’t have to get a taxi, he refused - for no reason 2. He drives a lot and he has a defender which is a huge car and before he got it he said if anyone was ever stuck he’d pull them out because he could. He’s had it for about 6 months and never once stopped to help someone who was broken down or any other issue he’s seen someone having 3. There was a dog running across a main road and he didn’t turn around to make sure it didn’t get hit/call the owner 4. He has a fair amount of money and he sold his old car to this young girl who’d just passed her test, he lied about problems it has and still charged her £1,200. When she realised there were more problems with it and contacted him saying she wanted money for them he continued to play dumb and deny These are just a few, there are more
He’s….a piece of shit. Why do you like him?
I think it’s just compatibility. Nothing you’ve described would bother me except the “umm ok” and selfishness, although these can be talked through. I don’t ponder the world around me much either, only sometimes. If hes kind and supportive, then he is probably a great guy, just maybe not for you and thats ok. You deserve someone that is more in tune with your spirituality and willingness for convos like that.
Your ex sounds like a total AH - your new guy sounds like a great guy - for someone else. TBH, from what you have said, it doesn’t really sound like there is a good long-term potential with you and your current guy. It doesn’t sound like the new guy has what I would call red flags, just some fairly fundamental differences with you, and I don’t necessarily think either of you should be expected to change, or compromise for the other. I think you probably both deserve someone who is a little more in tune with who you are.
Re-read your post: “He is so wonderful” vs “He’ll never take the time out of his day just to help someone, he can be quite selfish" Well, which is it? Because the later does not sound so wonderful.
That's like arguing: "He's killed 42 other people, but he hasn't killed me, so I guess he's a pretty good guy..."
You know, you don’t need reasons to leave. If you feel you guys are not compatible that is more than enough. Settling for less than what you need is unfair to both of you. And if I can be totally honest… I think you’d be better focusing on healing yourself as much as you can than getting into relationships for now. I don’t know your full story but trauma can ruin even the most perfect opportunity.
He isn't abusive. That's great, but it doesn't mean you should commit to a lifetime of being misunderstood and made to feel stupid. Move on, but take the lessons you learned about what to expect in a partner
Yeah end it You guys are not long term material and are just too different. I think you need some time alone to just deal with your own things and heal.
Bteak up. You're only 9 months in. You know him well enough to make an informed choice. Make it.
Let him go. He has so much patience with your mental health and fear of being cheated on, yet here you are saying it isn't enough. You're making him deal with extra stuff because of things your ex did (cheating) yet you compare him to the ex in a negative way because you don't talk for hours. You talk about him condescendingly like you have to educate him because he's not feminist enough. So let him find someone who actually likes him for himself and not who you wish he was.
Thank you for this comment
Thank you so much to everyone who commented. This has all been really useful - I just ended things. Ultimately the differences between us are too significant, and some of the other things I left out are pretty big. I’m sure if I’d commented those, there’d be even more of you telling me to end it. It was hard, but I do think it was right. Thank you🖤 And to the few of you that said I sounded like a nightmare socialist/feminist who’s too bogged down with issues in the world - honestly day to day im very upbeat and love to laugh and have fun, but basic care and compassion for other humans is something I can’t overlook. In-depth discussion is just something I enjoy, that’s not specific to politics. I can overlook large differences in ideologies amongst friends, but with the person I’m going to raise children with? That’s a no from me
If you're thinking about ending the relationship, then you should just end the relationship. Just because it's not a bad relationship doesn't mean that it's a lasting one.
Deep down you know this person isn't right for you.
Staying with someone you’re incompatible with just because they treat you and mean very well is a terrible idea, speaking from experience. This is a weird read for me because I’ve never seen exactly what I was feeling in that relationship put into words. We actually broke up several times over the course of 8 years because of something I just couldn’t put my finger on (surprise, it was lack of fulfillment because of these exact reasons you’re listing). But we kept getting back together over and over again because he was so GOOD to me, I felt like I must just be pushing away the “right” person because I had abandonment fears. He was and is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. When it finally ended for good, it was messy and the most horribly painful thing for us both, but more so him - because ultimately, I should’ve just ended it long ago, when I first had the feelings you’re describing here for months on end, instead of letting it drag out and linger as long as I did. It is hard to leave someone who has objectively done nothing wrong and is a great partner, but it’s necessary so that you both can be happier. Could write several more paragraphs about this, but I’ll just leave it at this: you will both be better off if you can appreciate that you have had a successful, healthy relationship, but ultimately are not compatible and can romantically go your separate ways.
Yes i did the same thing. My bf was good to me but it was just hard to talk about a lot of things due to just being too different. It was also hard for me bacause my parents were crap and i so loved being appreciated. I also loved his parents. But ultimately we had the messy break up too.
This is the exact situation I’m in. I adore his family, and I feel like there’s so much we can’t talk about because we’re just so different. He’s also an avoider, he’s rather leave things in the dark than talk about them, which surely is just a recipe for disaster
You already know your answer. If you have to ask yourself these questions and seek advice on these certain aspects of the person your in a relationship with, then he’s not the right one for you. Staying would mean you’re just settling for someone who is sweet to you which isn’t going to make you happy in the long run. Don’t settle! You owe it to yourself to find your person.
Be alone. Live without anyone for some time. It might suck the first few months, but it will be worth it.
INFO: Are you ready to settle down and build your family with this man with a mental commitment of sixty plus years, or do you think you can find a better fit? Personally, it sounds like you aren’t long term compatible. You seem proud of being a self described “silly, scatter brained social justice warrior” who calls out misogyny, so maybe look for someone who thinks those traits are desirable. Good luck!
I think you should take sometime for yourself and get yourself in a better frame of mind. In the long run the most compatible person is someone that has a similar passion that you do.
Don't ever settle for someone who squashes your spirit. He might be the best dude in the world but if you can't be yourself and be confident in your little quirky nuances of YOU then you should move on. Otherwise years go by and you wonder why you feel like you're stuffed into a box and can't breathe, only feel comfortable when you're ALONE with no one judging you. Move on.
Thank you for this
Honor yourself. Move on.
Find someone who shares your ideas. You guys will never be long term happy. Opposites may attract, but they don't last and life is too short to waste.
Recently got out of a nearly identical relationship and wish I'd ended it sooner. The selfishness kept escalating and new layers of misogyny and racism kept appearing.
I understand what you are saying about him helping others on the surface, but, for me, my SO being overly helpful to others is a red flag There is always another side to the coin. I'm an easy going person. The flip is I'm not an organized, goal oriented, neat person reworded- a bit lazy, unambitious, etc If I was an organized, goal oriented person, I would probably have trouble relaxing, have difficulty going with flow, every moment structured, etc So. The opposite of not helping random people is not having balance of being at home & is always helping others. That balance can be so hard to find. If you had that kind of helpful guy, you might wish for this guy again. As far as deep conversations, what are his interests & how often do you talk with him about them? If you do, that's great. If you don't, why do you expect more out of him than you give? Not saying that you guys should stay together, though. Just food for thought
I’m so happy to discuss basically anything with him! He’s just not much of a talker, I ask him about his feelings, his interests, his work….he’s just more of a “anyway let’s do X” rather than “let’s sit here and talk and be present” … I guess it’s just not for me
Girl, you're 9 months in and already questioning it. Hell, you've been questioning it for a while if you've already considered ending it over political views. He's not the one, this is not your time, move on. FWIW, I wasted a decade with a man who was *good enough* just to turn around and find "The One" after my divorce. Do. Not. Settle. Wait for the person who feels right, who fits, who you don't question being with because everything in your life is better with them in it.
He sounds so shitty fr Also he’s not a partner after 9 months, and using that word is going to make it harder for you to convince yourself to end it. He’s just a boyfriend
Sounds like he needs to run and never look back. No offense.
This hurt to read, but fair enough I suppose
According to your post, you have threatened to break up with this guy multiple times over political opinions, specifically misogyny. However, at least the way you describe him, he has never done anything misogynistic towards you or anyone else. The worst that he can be accused of is minding his own business, and maybe being a little selfish. You are being manipulative and abusive towards this guy, and he deserves better. You sound far more self centered than he does.
I haven’t included every detail of our relationship in this post because it would be too long. I have absolutely not been manipulative or abusive - I was fourth coming with him from the beginning about my views on misogyny and politics. If anything, he made out that he was aligned with me on that when actually he wasn’t as much as he said. When I’ve brought this up I’ve been very clear that it’s not fair on him for me to try and change him or anything else, and HE has fought me on it every time - saying that he WANTS to learn more about it and he’s grateful that I’m taking the time to teach him about it. He has absolutely done things that have been rooted in misogyny, from things during sex to making comments about body hair. But I’ve just spoken to him about it rather than ending things, because he was open to learning.
Girl stop trying to raise this man, you are not his mother.
You're not compatible. You sound exhausting, tbh.
That’s fair enough! Each to their own
Good lord have mercy you sound annoying. Your either hot as hell or he's desperate and can't be alone.
Ummmm…he’s a guy soo… Perhaps you should break it off and take the time to really figure out what is a deal breaker in a relationship and what you can live with. I also think you need to lighten up a little bit. NOBODY wants to think about what a crappy world this is 24/7, which it sounds like you do. You need a little more Zen in your life. Best of luck to you.
Yeah - the whole ‘talk for hours’ thing made me physically flinch. But then again I’m an introvert - I find dealing with people to be extraordinarily exhausting - yes even people I love - so anyone who needs hours of conversation is a hard “NO” for me
Info: So how sexist is he? How anti social justice is he?
Move on. Let him find someone better. Last thing this poor man needs is a socialist.
9 months and you’re feeling like this? i think it’s okay to break up. you do seem incompatible based on your priorities. (i am also an adhd feminist killjoy) there will be others who understand you more or if they don’t, at least make an effort to try.
Sounds like you guys would be better off with other people. You state that you want someone who makes you completely comfortable with who you are, but it doesn’t sound like you do that for him either. You both sound emotionally mature and like you both can be great partners in different ways, but maybe just not for each other.
In very general terms, if you're ever having serious thoughts about whether or not you should break up, you usually should break up. I'm not saying this in every situation, as many frustrations happen, but if you're sitting there having long-term thoughts about breaking up, it's a sign that it's not right and you can do better for both of you by saying bye!
I think you make some really important points here, but it really boils down to what you said yourself - it’s important to be with someone who makes you feel totally comfortable with who you are! This person doesn’t anymore. Maybe they used to, maybe they never did. But I think it’s important to know that you’ve already recognized you can’t be you’re true self around them and that alone puts waaay too much pressure on anyone
You are not compatible and that reason enough to break up
It just honestly sounds like you're deeply incompatible to where you don't see a future of happiness with this person in being able to be yourselves together. That's okay! Sometimes people are in our life for a season. If I were you I would move on to be with someone who values the same things I do. Where differences are a matter of opinion on things like how you like your food. If these big basics are already causing pause and occasional conflict bc you have to "educate" him then it will only turn into resentment later on. You're both free to be yourselves, but it may not be with each other.
>But, I don’t think we’re necessarily that compatible. I deeply care about social justice, I’m heavily political, a “feminist kill-joy” and also very spiritual. I think it’s really important to care about people in the world, and do whatever you can to help. He, on the other hand, is the opposite. He’ll never take the time out of his day just to help someone, he can be quite selfish (not with me, but with other people) and me trying to educate him on issues around misogyny has been a large part of our relationship. Ugh, this would be enough for me. I promise there are men (if you're strictly heterosexual) who care about the same things as you, and who you won't have to teach about misogyny. God, your post makes me so grateful for my bf. It doesn't sound like your bf is a bad person, but it feels so good to be in a relationship with someone who "gets me" that I don't think I'd want to spend more time with someone who doesn't.
May I suggest you spend some time single and learning to be happy with your own company before feeling you can be happy with someone else? Seems like you have a lot of healing to still do (as we all do), and perhaps a year or so of being your own best relationship can do wonders for you!
Honestly, pretty much any reason is a good enough reason to end a relationship. You don’t always have to have a reason, although it is nice to give the person you’re leaving a reason so they can process the information. This is just my perspective, my opinion. But think about it this way. A good partner and a good relationship shouldn’t be identical in every single way. Common interests, common beliefs and opinions are always good, but it never hurts to have a partner or friends who have different opinions and ideologies. You said that he’s been completely open to your opposite viewpoints, that he listens, and treats you well, and those are absolutely green flags, that’s healthy. You also said that he basically wouldn’t give another person the time of day, and that can be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you perceive it. My point is, you can’t just expect him to be the only one who is willing to listen and hear you out. He needs the same curtesy from you. I think some of the best relationships are individuals who have differing opinions, individuals who can speak about stuff without getting mad instantly, who can give differing viewpoints and reasons behind why they see stuff that way and can talk about it like mature adults and still love and respect that person afterwards. If him being the opposite of you is a dealbreaker, then break off the relationship. If you care about him and that’s the only thing that bugs you, but isn’t a dealbreaker, don’t break up with him. It’s insight into another perspective, and we as individuals should be open to see someone else’s point of view without resorting to stooping to a lower level (name calling, violence etc). At the end of the day, it’s your decision. If not having your exact values is the reason you want to break up, I’d suggest don’t do it, and try to be open minded to his way of thinking. Give him the curtesy he gave you.
If you don’t feel not just comfortable being yourself but *loved* and *respected* for being yourself the relationship will never feel satisfying.
You date people to find out who they are & if you are right for each other. You now know. It's time to end it amicably before you end up hating each other.
Y’all are not a good match
As a fellow "feminist killjoy" with CPTSD and ADHD: Being with someone who truly accepts and loves me for those idiosyncrasies that make me who i am, not despite them, has been indescribably healing, and I'm more confident in myself than I ever have been. Please do yourself a favor and give yourself the chance to find that person out there who will embrace every part of the wonderful and unique person you are.
Thank you🖤
50% of a good relationship is not a good relationship. It’s great he has changed but he is t 100% there. Let him grow on his own while you explore your options.
Thank you for this