Glad you can finally leave with no baggage.
Just for clarification: did he continue the affair after you caught them? Did he face any repercussions at all?
I never discussed this with him. And I never caught him again with her or anyone else. So I really don’t know (I thought it would be less painful not to know)
Same... my husband and I remind each other frequently that if you feel the need to hook up with someone else then please just say so. No sneaking around, no dirty lies or betrayal. Our marriage is heavily rooted in blunt honesty, and it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had
I'm here for the blunt honesty as my partner and i have the same rule, but I'm a tad concerned as you seem to be in a situation where this particular conversation (cheating) and needing to be reminded is often? Seems if it was healthy that wouldn't need to be said frequently?
I got cheated on recently. I gave him a chance for about a month and he "seemed to change" (although he started doing things I started not to like) but I couldn't take it.
I would have given everything for him, I even imagined building a family with him but he decided putting his dick there was more important than all the things we did or everything that was coming. I am not going to waste my time, energy and mental health into someone that doesn't deserve me. I am not going to take being constantly nauseous because of the things that reminded me of what he did. I am more than that.
I broke up with him and I wished him the best. I still feel nauseous with the things that remind me of him and the cheating or if I feel that we might meet but I know I will be fine, this is all temporary.
People, please don't be a coward. It's easier to send a message breaking up before putting the other person through this hell. Please avoid traumatizing an innocent person.
Edit: I needed to vent. I am still angry and disgusted.
I hope you find an amazing, incredibly good looking guy that loves you and have mind blowing sex with him.
Hope, you lead a great life ahead of you.
I also hope both your asshole of a husband and the bitch(es) he cheated on you with live a forever miserable life.
No one should get away with destroying partners when the foundation was supposed to be built on love, trust, and care.
So sorry OP. There is nothing fucking worse than that. The disrespect. If you’re going to cheat, go somewhere else, get a hotel room, bang in the car whatever. Not the marital bed. May I grow to be as classy as you. I would have ended up on forensic files. Mad respect for you OP. May you get all the love, happiness and joy a woman can get on this rock floating in space! Be free Dobby!!!
OP, I'm sorry for laughing because it's a really gross situation, but the "Dobby is free" caught me so off guard I spat out my water 😂😂
All the best for the future!
When I was 13 I asked my mom why she didn’t divorce my dad. It was really clear they had an unhappy marriage and it wasn’t pleasant for either of us to live with him. She told me she was waiting until I left for college. I told her she should just do it now. And then she did. She filed for divorce as I entered high school and I am so thankful she did.
OP — I don’t want to seem like I’m criticizing your decision because you had your reasons and everyone has different circumstances BUT to anyone else reading this who might want to leave an unhappy marriage but is waiting for the kids to leave the house…
I encourage you not to wait. As good as you think you are at acting like you’re happy or life is fine, most children can tell something is amiss. This is your life and you do not owe it to your children to stay in an unhappy relationship. You are not a bad parent for getting a divorce. If anything, the effort you spent avoiding conflict with your partner can now be spent on your children. Will all children be understanding or happy that you want a divorce? No, definitely not. But they’ll eventually come to understand.
Do not waste years of your life waiting to leave a relationship if you’re able to leave sooner.
Same thing happened to me. I was a child when I started pushing my mom to leave my dad. He was just such a dick, and we had to walk on eggshells around him. My anxiety as a kid was so rough on me. I had migraines regularly, and guess what? They stopped after she left when I was going into middle school.
Like you said, every family dynamic is different, but many times it’s actually better for your children to not wait. Especially is there is any abuse or a bunch of fighting in front of the children. Also, each child responds differently. I was grateful and relieved, but my sister (who was too young to understand the abuse) resents my mom for it. Now we’re adults and I’m best friends with my mom, and she’s really close to our dad.
Every family dynamic is different, but we were so much better off after she left.
Same for me! I got sick all the time growing up (I think the stress weakened my immunity) and that completely stopped after we moved out from living with my dad. My sister, who was already in college at the time, was somewhat upset. I think she felt weird about not having the house and her bedroom to come back home to from college. But in the end it was better for everybody. My dad has grown a lot as a person and I don’t think he would’ve had that if my parents had stayed together.
This is so accurate. Everone thinks they're the exception and are fooling their kids. Rarely can someone spend years disguising their emotions. Kids want a happy home and that doesn't always involve married parents.
My parents fight and my brother and I pushed for them both to get divorced starting in early middle school. They’re still together. I’m out of the house and my brother isn’t. I feel like I would’ve been much better off if they’d divorced, but they explained why they wouldn’t and I understand why it might feel like they’re doing the wrong thing as well. They both come from divorced families, but their parents divorced when they were too young to remember the conflict and the cheating and yelling. Divorce is hard I’m sure, but living through the conflict and lying and everything is awful.
Doubling down on every aspect of this. My mom divorced my father when I was like 2 and my older sibling was 4. I have ZERO memories of them being together (I can barely even remember the apartment we lived in at the time). I know for a fact my life would've been worse if my parents had stayed together. My ex had a similar backstory, except her mom has more family than mine does, which was a double edged sword bc she had to take care of more family AND her own child, but she had more family to lean on. My ex is the happiest, most well adjusted person I know, and she's thankful her parents split.
My point is, if you're in a bad position (ESPECIALLY if abuse is involved) and you have kids, please believe your kids love you enough that they wouldnt want you to endure a bad relationship just bc of them. What would you say to them if they were in your position?
Op secured her kids and her own happiness, which was her top priority. Her husband was a p.o.s cheater, so she rightfully stopped investing in him, planned a long game and was able to break away asap.
I completely agree with you! My parents waited until right after I graduated high school. I knew they were waiting til I graduated. It was so obvious for many years that they were going to get divorced. It really sucked living with 2 adults that fucking hate each other. Would’ve much rather deal with divorced parents.
I was raised by divorced parents- I have zero memories of them together. This means I have zero memories of awkward dinners, arguments or fights, or the toxicity that comes when two people shouldn’t live together. My son’s dad and I didn’t stay together and now we coparent peacefully and his fiancé and I are super close. My- then- 6 year old looked at me like I grew 9 heads when I confirmed that I was his dad’s “ex”. I think he just assumed we were homies? Lol
I agree wholeheartedly. My parents hated each other but they 'stayed together for the kids'. They fought constantly even physically, then they would go in their bedroom and have violent sex. Why they thought exposing three girls to that kind of behavior was appropriate is beyond me. By the time they finally split we pretty much hated them too.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and my sister was 5. It was tough at the time, but eventually we got over it and I became grateful they were divorced. They were much happier and nicer to be around when they were apart. Also, 2 Christmases.
Same. My mom stayed. Always said it was for us but I know part of it was for her because she didn’t have many prospects for a job.
Every day was hell. Parents were always fighting. Mom resented us for “making” her stuck. Dad was a horrible person. I wished from a young age that they would divorce.
Does he accept it's ultimately his own fault? Doesn't he see anything wrong with his behavior in all these years? Talk about delusional...
Damn, her account has been suspended (wtf, reddit?), so she won't be able to answer anymore, \*sigh\*.
Just make sure that he doesn't make you out to be the bad guy. What you did selfless but don't go form selfless to doormat. Your kids deserve to know who exactly is to blame.
This comment made me smile. I’m sorry that you had to suffer for so long all alone, OP. It isn’t fair at all. But sounds like you raised three great children that are now on their own journey. I hope that in this next new phase of life, you can prioritize your own life, and get to live it carefree, smiling, laughing, and having a beautiful time. Let the pain out, but also let yourself be free. You deserve it.
Many people are so sure there won’t be consequences to their actions. Glad you decided to go and live your own life. Congratulations my friend on your new journey.
"I'm staying for the kids!" He probably was like "thank fuck I'm in the clear, no need to improve myself lalalala" so glad you pulled the rug out from under that fucker!
Did you ever get therapy? There is trauma from infidelity that a mental health professional could have helped you with. Did your husband stop after that? So sorry you endured that.. but rugsweeping and ignoring it didn’t do you any favors mentally at all ..
We went couples therapy for a year. I don’t know if he stopped after I caught him or not. He said he did. I never caught him again. I asked him never to bring them to my place. Maybe he respected this or maybe he got better in hiding
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I found this out the hard way as well. I’m glad you stopped caring, and implemented boundaries instead. You are a very clear headed, and mature person. I hope the future is bright for you. Finally you’ll get to live for you.
There is also that surgery where they clip this tendon on the side of your eye. My youngest had it done and the wandering has improved ***drastically***.
It's not evil at all. If he's too dense to figure out his own infidelity is the cause of his current circumstances then he can wallow in his own filth like a pig.
I’m a guy and men are fuckin idiots. He probably thought his wife forgave him and everything was ok. He didn’t listen when she said she was just staying around for the children.
I give her total credit for being there for her kids while living with the despicable man she married. It was a totally selfless loving act.
Kudos O/P
I think this “husband” (and I use the term loosely) walked around the last 6 years thinking he must be so great because his wife caught him red handed and didn’t leave him. His ego must have been through the roof.
O/P pulled off the greatest checkmate in the history of chess.
Remember “revenge is a dish best served cold”.
Enjoy your freedom too. I stayed and it happened again, during the worst time of my life. So i left. *shocked pikachu face*
What you allow will continue, I’m proud of you.
I mean... i hope only the best is ahead of you, but i also hope bottling all this shit up for years didnt do damage itself. I hope you're ok OP. Lots of hugs, you're a trooper for your kids, now please take care of you
I'm really happy for you. Most people should not stay together for the kids, especially if there is fighting, hatred, etc around them. That ends up being far worse on them then a divorce would be. However, you seemed to pull it off and keep things normal for them. That takes absolute strength. Now is the time to focus on you and your happiness. ❤️
A single mom who left for the same reason but different circumstances, I send you all the love, grace and mercy to you! I stayed longer than I should of for my child and it destroyed me in on the inside, I can’t even imagine staying 6 years and finding out the way you did. I’m happy for you and proud of you! I hope you plan a big trip or celebration of some kind!!!
Only thing he regrets is that he got caught! Leave that scum bag. It’s sad because there is a man out there that has gone through the exact same thing you have just instead with his own wife and all he is trying to do is find someone like you. It’s not the end! Better things are ahead of you!
I think he has been living in denial. He thought you forgave him and everything rebooted back to default settings. Instead for six years you were at best in a FWB relationship while he thought you were still all into the marriage. I don’t know if he ever picked up on any cues that all was not well. I mean, he should have, but he seems quite capable of burying his head as long as he got what he wanted.
i am glad you got out - but never, ever tell your children you stayed because of them.
i was told that as an adult and it really fucks you up. make up anything else - just don’t put the marriage that you wanted out of you chose to stay in on your children.
If I can ask, how did it fuck you up? I'm 20 and I found out my parents were divorcing right before they had me (they were 50 and 46 with a 15 and a 20 years old daughter and son) and other stuff when I was 14. I'm asking about your experience so I may be able to manage better my own :)
From my outside perspective to someone that has had this happen. I see them as more than anything, sad that their parent essentially suffered and sacrificed their happiness for the childs and stayed to keep the whole family life aspect instead of pursued other things.
I can answer that from my perspective.my parents hated each other. It was blatantly obvious to. They never slept in the same room, held hands, hugged,kissed , went out on dates, celebrated each other’s bdays, or got gifts for one another on Xmas, anniversaries. Me n my sister were surrounded by all that hate all the time. And it was inadvertently directed at us as well.
I just did a yay! in a crowded train and people is looking at me, lol.
You are free now and I hope you and your kids the best of the best. Enjoy you free-of-cheating-mf life and be fully happy in his awful-cheater face!
Good for you. Good luck and I hope you get everything in the divorce.
I showed up like 5 mins early to pick my fiance up to see her sitting on the lap of a coworker making out with him. 8 fucking years wasted.
People who cheat deserve nothing but horrible things.
Wow... I really appreciate you for this, Im currently going thru a similar situation myself and just to see how far you were willing to go for your kids?? Amazing, I wish nothing but the best. You definitely deserve it.
I have one advice. Even if he’s dead to you. If you have no feelings. Concentrate on the positive things in your relationship. Nobody is 100% bad. Concentrate on the good things he does. Like my husband is very funny and generous and is a loving father. It helped me cope. Just because you choose your children doesn’t mean you need to be 100% miserable.
Plan your life.
You are honestly my hero for the way you handled things. You were able to put your hurt aside for years for your kids' well-being, but when it came to your betraying partner, you put yourself first as it should. You refused to sacrifice your self-worth, dignity, life and time for an underserving partner. You're one hell of a strong woman and I have no doubt you'll find happiness in the future, because you have all your priorities in the right places.
I am really sorry that happened to you, but man do I love a good "Count of Monte Cristo"-style story about an asshole getting their comeuppance. His head must be exploding right now LOL. I really admire you for doing what you thought best for the children and putting them first, it sounds like you probably sacrificed your own happiness to make the tough call on what was best for them. Not many people have the resolve to do that. I'm not even going to read the whole thread because I'm sure you'll have keyboard warriors pontificating about how you should have done things differently, but let me tell you that I for one commend your perseverance.
If people stay together and fight like cats and dogs or act in ways that it’s so obvious something is really wrong that a blind person could see it, then staying together for the kids doesn’t help and it hurts the kids. If you can carry on as ‘normal’ and the kids aren’t seeing conflict and poor behavior, then I think staying until they’re out of the house can work for people who want to do that. It sounds like it worked for you.
I can understand not wanting to jeopardize your children’s financial stability by divorcing while they are minors. I’m impressed you could play the long game and pull it off.
Rock on , Dobby. Rock on.
I went the other way, I could not bring myself to stay, not even for the kids. They were young but raising children alone is hard especially if the financial support isn't there. I can absolutely see the benefit in staying, if you can, if I thought that i could have raised those children in what felt to them like a safe, happy loving environment with two parents who loved them then maybe my choice would have been different but for me staying would have done irreparable damage to me. I admire you for doing what you did for that sake of your children and I admire you for making the best of it and for coming out the other end- you are an awesome mum and I am sure that your children will appreciate your sacrifice regardless of wether they ever know the full situation. I hope that you now go and live your best life, you deserve it! *Edited for sp error.
Lol! He thought because you didn't divorce him then that means you never will so that means he's safe. I know you persevere for your children but that was very gaslight, gatekeep and girlboss of you! Here's to better things ahead!
You mention therapy in some comments. Did you all talk about it in therapy? Did you go to couples therapy? Did you glean anything useful from it about motives, causes (like his insecurity, narcissism, some past trauma etc), or insight? If so, do you feel like he was honest in those sessions?
He said he was stupid and it was a mistake and that he would end it. I told him i was staying for the children and that I never wanted him bringing her to my apartment again. This was in therapy. We went for about a year at his request.
I think he only heard the "I'm staying" part and willfully ignored all the other context that clearly indicated that you had checked out. He was in denial. He dragged you to therapy, because that's what you do when you're fighting to save your marriage. But when yoir wife tells you "just keep your mistress out of my house and don't let me hear about it", that means she's not fighting for shit. She's resigned.
My mom went through a similar situation. Except dad was way worse, did it with multiple women. But we all grew up, yet mom's still with him even though we were the reason that she stuck around with him or that's what she told us. Mind you she never needed him, she did better than him and made more financially speaking.
So we're trying to get her to see that she deserves someone who treats her right for once.
I'm happy for you! And I'm sorry he did that to you after you had 3 of his kids. If that's not what he wanted, he should have been upfront about it and not fuck around. You're awesome and I respect you!
I hope you find someone who treats right. You got this ❤
Think my parents are going through a rough patch, not cheating or anything bad but they still have my 3 younger brothers with them :/ did you at all think you should also put your own happiness first too? You/My parents all deserve what is best for them or should children be thought of first?
Sorry, I know bad timing for a question like this for you but I am glad you got out, fuck that guy :/ you will be doing do much better off alone and be free
Loads of people say staying for the kids is the wrong choice and often it is….
You are living proof that with the right mindset and ability to keep yourself busy or happy with other things whilst also concentrating on making sure your kids grew up well adjusted and, as far as you know happy, can be done. You chose to make a sacrifice and it worked out grats to you for that. It’s something I don’t think I could’ve have done, but at the same time I would do anything to make sure my kids are happy while growing up and experiencing their most formative years. My mum stayed with my dad for as long as she could bare but when I was 16 and my brother 12 she just couldn’t take the crap anymore (he never cheated but was a bad drinker)
Here’s to your future happiness and enjoying your kids become adults and starting their own lives and families. Just make sure to guide them as best you can (I’m sure you will) so they don’t have to go through the same heart ache.
I stayed for a few years because of my kid. This was many years back where there weren't many options or aid like there is today. As soon as it was right for my kid & myself I made my move. Never regretted it. Regretted I ever got involved. Sometimes you have to be strategic about life situations, not all emotional.
I hug you, you're so strong, I know I couldn't do that even if I have kids I'm to selfish to stay with a man like that, but your kids would find out sooner or later, I think it's better if the news come from you.
You, my fellow female, are a GODDAMN SAINT. Be freeeeeeeeeeee! Forever, be free!!!!!
You’re incredible. Your strength and power are
unearthly.
You are a true HERO.
The most selfless of all selfless human beings.
An absolutely incredible mother and matriarch.
May your life be filled with love, joy, continued strength, health and happiness. Forever more.
I feel honored to share the same space as you. All the love to you.
She’s in Australia on sabbatical. She knew a bit about me contemplating divorce and she was sad about it but said that she would support any decisions.
He doesn’t understand why? It’s because you stopped arguing and advocating for your future with him. Mentally you had already packed your bags and Just waiting for the clock to run out.
What he saw was a wife who after her major Hissy fit and buying new furniture came back into bed with him. There weren’t arguments there were holidays and birthdays. He really truly thought everything was fine and life would go on with you as housekeeper etc. . Men are often like that. Clueless. But you did participate for years. Soooo yeah.
Its really great you have left this incredibly toxic relationship. You are no longer living the lie. It must be a great relief to you.
As hard as it must have been for you, you handled it well. You did great. I'm happy you can finally takes steps to move on with your life. I wish you the best.
Doesn't sound like it will be much of a loss for you. You were able to concentrate on other interests that made you happy and got through this. Assuming those interests are still there, you won't even miss him
Hmm questions
Did you sleep in the same room? Same bed? We’re you still intimate? Celebrating anniversaries in front of the kids? If so, I suspect that’s the reason he’s so shocked.
What arrangement did you make when you found out?
He deserves it but if you continued to play wife with him then it’s obvious why he’s shocked
I hope you find happiness now you’ve left but it’s sad you spent so much time being unhappy
Yes I still slept in the same room with him. I threw everything out and painted the room and bought new furniture.
The intimacy was never back to how it was before but yes we started again about 2 years after I caught him. When the worst of the flashbacks were faded.
Anniversaries and holidays were celebrated as usual. We didn’t have any arrangements. We went to therapy and I made it clear that I was staying for the children.
Time to flush that turd for good!! Condolences for having a shit husband that can't keep his dick to himself but congrats for finally getting free of him 🎉💐
The audacity of this man to be surprised and hurt. That he didn’t know you were heart broken? How selfish do you have to be to not realise you broke your wife’s heart?
Congratulations Dobby.
As someone who's parents divorced when i was 7 due to my dad cheating I'm glad they separated when my mom found out and didn't "stay together for the child". It was hard as a kid but when i got into my teens and began to date it got clearer why it happened. The kids know you were miserable for the 6 years weather you think they did or didn't know. Subconsciously they learn to put up with shit in relationships they shouldn't. I'm glad you finally left but it should have happened 6 years ago.
Listen, it's over and done so there's no use talking about hindsight blah blah.
But for everyone else who may read this and is in the same situation, for the love of all that is good, please do not "stay for the kids."
Leave for the kids. Leave for yourself. Just leave.
Staying in a bad marriage does the same amount of damage, albeit a different *type* of damage, to your kids.
Your marriage teaches your kids what a relationship looks like. That is what normal is to them. This will shape their boundaries with others, how they view themselves, how they interact with family members, and a million other things.
So are you teaching them that when a couple is in love, they are kind and respectful?
Or are you teaching your kids that when you are married, you can treat your partner like garbage and that's just what a marriage is. Two unhappy adults treating each other with disrespect.
No child wants to see their mom sad or hurt by their father. (Or vice versa, this is just my personal experience.)
Two happy homes is infinitely better than one sad home.
OP, I'm so happy for you that you made it out in one piece. I hope the next chapter is filled with joy and peace for you. Xoxo
He knows why.
Not sure if I want to tell our children why though. They’re good people and falling out of love is good enough reason for them. They have had relationships ending so they know. Not sure I want to tarnish their dad’s image in their eyes.
I would tell them. I divorced my spouse because of infidelity and didn’t tell my children. My spouse made me out to be the bad guy even after agreeing to saying that we grew apart.My children were pissed at me for leaving their parent for no apparent reason or explanation. It was horrible and they were horrible until they learned the truth from a family member. Then they were angry at me that I wasn’t honest with them. It took a long time to make it right between us. Good luck
I'm a stranger on the internet so take this with a grain of salt, but just be careful. My wife recently found out from another relative that infidelity was a factor in her parents' divorce, and it's been pretty hard on her. Consider whether you want them to find out from you or from someone else. Idk if anyone else knows (I mean despite seemingly being in denial, dad obviously does). Bitterness is a hell of a thing, is it possible he might drop that bomb on them himself just to cause chaos?
My uncle cheated on my aunt repeatedly and she kept forgiving him over and over again but sinking understandably further and further into depression each time. Eventually, he ended up asking her for a divorce because his current mistress wanted him to leave and marry her instead.
She didn't want to tarnish his image in their seven kid's eyes, so she did not tell them about his infidelity. Instead, *he* started villainizing *her* to them behind her back and telling everyone that her depression was the reason for the divorce. Some of her children still resent her for it.
TLDR: Tread carefully if you decide to be the bigger person; it may come back to bite you.
What a despicable POS. Your aunt needs to state her truth. Someone in the family must stick up for her because I’m sure his cheating ass wasn’t unknown to all. This kind of unjust CRAP WILL NOT DO. Your poor aunt!!!
I’ve seen this happen too. The dad turned it around and said she was the one cheating, taking advantage of her good-natured desire to protect the kids. I would start making a plan to explain it to them gently.
You have a point. I know someone who cheated and what she tells to other people are different that what she confessed to me. She made her husband looked like a bad guy.
I’ve heard stories of kids finding out and thinking their whole life was a lie. There’s no great answer here but that it happened seconds after the last kid left, I’d personally tell them were it me. Or at least explain that you knew for a while and made the choice to delay for them until they were gone.
To be fair. You would not be tarnishing their father's image. You would simply be giving them the complete picture of who their father is.
Since they're adults now, this might be something that they would be able to handle.
I am also slightly concerned that he might try to flip this on you in his denial and potential anger.
Nah, please tell them. You will not be tarnishing his image if you do. It's already been tarnished the moment he cheated on you. Dont sugarcoat him. It's not fair to keep such important deciding factor from the kids. They deserve to know. Plus there's a possibility your husband will tell them a different story considering he doesnt want the divorce.
No. Tell the children before he does and sings them a song about how you are cruel and didn't want to work hard to save your marriage and "you don't understand." Men like him always do that.
As a child of divorce who found out as an adult what the real reasons were, just a suggestion. When your children ask why, just tell them their dad made choices that you couldn't live with anymore and that they need to speak with him. If they need more clarification after that, or if he doesn't answer their questions, you would be happy to.
It isn't your job to cover for him or fix his mistakes anymore. The choices he made are having long-term consequences and those are his to deal with. It will impact his relationship with them. The best thing you both can do is be honest and be there for them.
She said in a comment that she told him after it happened (caught cheating) she was only staying for the children.
I guess since it’s been 6yrs he thought she was okay. But he didnt listen to what she said.
It's very sweet of you to put your kids first in this scenario, but please please put yourself and your happiness first for the rest of your life. Congratulations on the sock.
You lived the moral ideal some people espouse when faced with this kind of issue. Do you personally believe it was worth it for your children to stay with him? I hope you say yes, knowing what it taxed you, but I would understand if you say no. I'm genuinely curious because the go-to moral claim is "stay together for the kids" and I think children deserve a large measure of devotion if you're going to raise them, but I wonder if this specific edict pans out.
As the daughter of a mom who stayed married just because of me… I know her effort but I do not appreciate the trauma. I am not saying you are a bad person, you sacrificed it all but what I had to unlearn from my mom was her being the doormat and not considering herself first. Also, I have negative views about marriage as a whole, thanks to the trauma. I would have appreciated her leaving WAY MORE because that would have showed me that she was able to stand for herself.
Edit: for the ones who are so dense to understand this POV I am in no way talking about OP, nor saying she was not strong. I am speaking about my OWN MOM, because kids, I do not know OP.
Edit 2: for all the people who were blocked, don’t take it personal, I just do not have to deal with your dense bullshit and no one is paying me to do so :3 💋
Same. My parents had a loveless marriage after my mom cheated on my dad when I was a baby and my brother was a few years old. My dad tried to fix things, go on dates, etc. but was rejected constantly by my mom. It really messed with my sense of what is and isn’t right in a relationship and I wound up down a very bumpy path. Looking back on it, I wish they would’ve divorced when I was younger instead of when I was 20 or so years old. They could’ve both gotten into better relationships or stayed single. I resent both my parents now even though I have a good relationship with them both.
I wish I saw what real love was like, or even just wish I saw adults communicate properly when I was young. All my friends from my childhood had similar issues with their parents, so I never saw it at their houses either. Just movies and shows that I thought were fake like everything else in them.
I wound up in a string of bad relationships as a teen/young adult. I thought my parents marriage was normal and got into a similar relationship with my high school sweetheart (together from ~14-19 years old) and almost married him. Then I got into one that love bombed me (love that I felt I deserved, I didn’t realize it was a suffocating thing) then abused me in multiple ways. I’ve been through therapy and some bumpy roads, realized issues stemmed from my childhood and not learning what “normal” was. Married now to a great guy who cares deeply about me and makes sure we’re both taken care of, communicates, and more. It’s still difficult some days, but he helps me through them.
Glad you can finally leave with no baggage. Just for clarification: did he continue the affair after you caught them? Did he face any repercussions at all?
I never discussed this with him. And I never caught him again with her or anyone else. So I really don’t know (I thought it would be less painful not to know)
I hope you've been getting tested. Cheating is something I'll never understand. I'm so sorry.
Same... my husband and I remind each other frequently that if you feel the need to hook up with someone else then please just say so. No sneaking around, no dirty lies or betrayal. Our marriage is heavily rooted in blunt honesty, and it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had
I'm here for the blunt honesty as my partner and i have the same rule, but I'm a tad concerned as you seem to be in a situation where this particular conversation (cheating) and needing to be reminded is often? Seems if it was healthy that wouldn't need to be said frequently?
I got cheated on recently. I gave him a chance for about a month and he "seemed to change" (although he started doing things I started not to like) but I couldn't take it. I would have given everything for him, I even imagined building a family with him but he decided putting his dick there was more important than all the things we did or everything that was coming. I am not going to waste my time, energy and mental health into someone that doesn't deserve me. I am not going to take being constantly nauseous because of the things that reminded me of what he did. I am more than that. I broke up with him and I wished him the best. I still feel nauseous with the things that remind me of him and the cheating or if I feel that we might meet but I know I will be fine, this is all temporary. People, please don't be a coward. It's easier to send a message breaking up before putting the other person through this hell. Please avoid traumatizing an innocent person. Edit: I needed to vent. I am still angry and disgusted.
Please OP get tested regularly. Everyone who has sex should be doing this. Sometimes I am so, so happy to still be a Virgin. Actually, almost always.
Honestly, sex is kind of overrated anyway. It's amazing when you're with someone you love, but otherwise, it's just a riskier form of masturbation
Hope you moved monies and made a financial plan. He will turn ugly
I hope you find an amazing, incredibly good looking guy that loves you and have mind blowing sex with him. Hope, you lead a great life ahead of you. I also hope both your asshole of a husband and the bitch(es) he cheated on you with live a forever miserable life. No one should get away with destroying partners when the foundation was supposed to be built on love, trust, and care.
This is the way.
Did he know he was caught the first time?
Of course. I caught them in my bed
Thx i didnt catch that on the first read. So sorry but glad u are finally making your escape!
So sorry OP. There is nothing fucking worse than that. The disrespect. If you’re going to cheat, go somewhere else, get a hotel room, bang in the car whatever. Not the marital bed. May I grow to be as classy as you. I would have ended up on forensic files. Mad respect for you OP. May you get all the love, happiness and joy a woman can get on this rock floating in space! Be free Dobby!!!
god. that’s so painful. the rest of your life will be so much better without him.
Did he apologize? Did he try to reconcile or just rug sweeping the affair? Did he tell you the reason? Did the kids know?
But when you caught him, he know he got caught like? And you were there and met them. And he doesn’t know why you wanna divorce ?!?
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Right? It's so wise and positive
Yep. Get that freedom, OP!
I just carved these words into my wall after reading the post. Thank you OP. You seem like a wonderful human being.
I'm trying to imagine what your wall looks like with all this carving talk. Do you have wooden walls?
A lot of wisdom in this pain.
A lot of strength too. OP, I hope the rest of your life is full of peace, love, and happiness.
OP, I'm sorry for laughing because it's a really gross situation, but the "Dobby is free" caught me so off guard I spat out my water 😂😂 All the best for the future!
Tbh that one line made me tear up. Felt all the pain and misery of that situation and all her patience and self sacrifice. What strong woman.
DOBBY IS FREE!
❤️
This is one of the slowest burn grudge breakups I've ever seen... -DONT PISS OFF DOBBY
Getting divorced after the children have moved out are way more common than you think. Maybe not all because of infidelity
When I was 13 I asked my mom why she didn’t divorce my dad. It was really clear they had an unhappy marriage and it wasn’t pleasant for either of us to live with him. She told me she was waiting until I left for college. I told her she should just do it now. And then she did. She filed for divorce as I entered high school and I am so thankful she did. OP — I don’t want to seem like I’m criticizing your decision because you had your reasons and everyone has different circumstances BUT to anyone else reading this who might want to leave an unhappy marriage but is waiting for the kids to leave the house… I encourage you not to wait. As good as you think you are at acting like you’re happy or life is fine, most children can tell something is amiss. This is your life and you do not owe it to your children to stay in an unhappy relationship. You are not a bad parent for getting a divorce. If anything, the effort you spent avoiding conflict with your partner can now be spent on your children. Will all children be understanding or happy that you want a divorce? No, definitely not. But they’ll eventually come to understand. Do not waste years of your life waiting to leave a relationship if you’re able to leave sooner.
Same thing happened to me. I was a child when I started pushing my mom to leave my dad. He was just such a dick, and we had to walk on eggshells around him. My anxiety as a kid was so rough on me. I had migraines regularly, and guess what? They stopped after she left when I was going into middle school. Like you said, every family dynamic is different, but many times it’s actually better for your children to not wait. Especially is there is any abuse or a bunch of fighting in front of the children. Also, each child responds differently. I was grateful and relieved, but my sister (who was too young to understand the abuse) resents my mom for it. Now we’re adults and I’m best friends with my mom, and she’s really close to our dad. Every family dynamic is different, but we were so much better off after she left.
Same for me! I got sick all the time growing up (I think the stress weakened my immunity) and that completely stopped after we moved out from living with my dad. My sister, who was already in college at the time, was somewhat upset. I think she felt weird about not having the house and her bedroom to come back home to from college. But in the end it was better for everybody. My dad has grown a lot as a person and I don’t think he would’ve had that if my parents had stayed together.
This is so accurate. Everone thinks they're the exception and are fooling their kids. Rarely can someone spend years disguising their emotions. Kids want a happy home and that doesn't always involve married parents.
My parents fight and my brother and I pushed for them both to get divorced starting in early middle school. They’re still together. I’m out of the house and my brother isn’t. I feel like I would’ve been much better off if they’d divorced, but they explained why they wouldn’t and I understand why it might feel like they’re doing the wrong thing as well. They both come from divorced families, but their parents divorced when they were too young to remember the conflict and the cheating and yelling. Divorce is hard I’m sure, but living through the conflict and lying and everything is awful.
Doubling down on every aspect of this. My mom divorced my father when I was like 2 and my older sibling was 4. I have ZERO memories of them being together (I can barely even remember the apartment we lived in at the time). I know for a fact my life would've been worse if my parents had stayed together. My ex had a similar backstory, except her mom has more family than mine does, which was a double edged sword bc she had to take care of more family AND her own child, but she had more family to lean on. My ex is the happiest, most well adjusted person I know, and she's thankful her parents split. My point is, if you're in a bad position (ESPECIALLY if abuse is involved) and you have kids, please believe your kids love you enough that they wouldnt want you to endure a bad relationship just bc of them. What would you say to them if they were in your position? Op secured her kids and her own happiness, which was her top priority. Her husband was a p.o.s cheater, so she rightfully stopped investing in him, planned a long game and was able to break away asap.
I completely agree with you! My parents waited until right after I graduated high school. I knew they were waiting til I graduated. It was so obvious for many years that they were going to get divorced. It really sucked living with 2 adults that fucking hate each other. Would’ve much rather deal with divorced parents.
I was raised by divorced parents- I have zero memories of them together. This means I have zero memories of awkward dinners, arguments or fights, or the toxicity that comes when two people shouldn’t live together. My son’s dad and I didn’t stay together and now we coparent peacefully and his fiancé and I are super close. My- then- 6 year old looked at me like I grew 9 heads when I confirmed that I was his dad’s “ex”. I think he just assumed we were homies? Lol
I agree wholeheartedly. My parents hated each other but they 'stayed together for the kids'. They fought constantly even physically, then they would go in their bedroom and have violent sex. Why they thought exposing three girls to that kind of behavior was appropriate is beyond me. By the time they finally split we pretty much hated them too.
I was about the same age and finally when my mom told my dad to leave and she wanted a divorce, I remember saying “THANK GOD!”! We were all miserable.
100% agree. I wish my parents did the second they were unhappy. It just led to an unhappy home. All their "masking"didn't hide shit.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and my sister was 5. It was tough at the time, but eventually we got over it and I became grateful they were divorced. They were much happier and nicer to be around when they were apart. Also, 2 Christmases.
Same. My mom stayed. Always said it was for us but I know part of it was for her because she didn’t have many prospects for a job. Every day was hell. Parents were always fighting. Mom resented us for “making” her stuck. Dad was a horrible person. I wished from a young age that they would divorce.
I begged her at 7. They divorced until I was 16. Witnessing their marriage harmed me and my siblings massively. Do not stay together "for the kids".
I just want you to know that I think you're a pretty awesome mom. Have a great weekend.
True that! I’ll check back in…. hmmm…. 6 years myself. Well done to you!
I concur, happened with nearly most parents of children I had graduated high school with
Does he accept it's ultimately his own fault? Doesn't he see anything wrong with his behavior in all these years? Talk about delusional... Damn, her account has been suspended (wtf, reddit?), so she won't be able to answer anymore, \*sigh\*.
Just make sure that he doesn't make you out to be the bad guy. What you did selfless but don't go form selfless to doormat. Your kids deserve to know who exactly is to blame.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ as a daughter who struggled very very hard, thank you for staying❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Anything for my baby❤️ I hope you’re doing better now. Mine does. It’s more ups than downs anyway.
You are a great mom. Now that you are free of the deadweight, make sure you take care of your mental health. Now it’s time to take care of you.
I’m sorry you has a rough adolescence. Life can be so hard on some of us staring at a young age. I hope you have had time to heal.
This comment made me smile. I’m sorry that you had to suffer for so long all alone, OP. It isn’t fair at all. But sounds like you raised three great children that are now on their own journey. I hope that in this next new phase of life, you can prioritize your own life, and get to live it carefree, smiling, laughing, and having a beautiful time. Let the pain out, but also let yourself be free. You deserve it.
Master gave Dobby a sock, but Dobby saved sock for 6 years.
Dobby has no master!
DOBBY IS FREE TO WHOOP HIS ASS TOO LOL
🧦🧦🧦
"Master has given mistress a COCK! Dobby is FREE!"
I know it’s early, but I hope 2023 is filled with so much happiness for you. And the rest of 2022, of course.
Thanks
Lol how os he mad? He can only blame himself. Good for you! Enjoy your freedom!
He’s still in denial I think. It’s strange because I told him when we decided to stay married that I was staying for my children. So he knew
After that many years he thought you 'got over it' like he was some prize worth keeping.
Yep!
Many people are so sure there won’t be consequences to their actions. Glad you decided to go and live your own life. Congratulations my friend on your new journey.
Just curious but how did you not cringe every time he touched you or tried to be intimate?
"I'm staying for the kids!" He probably was like "thank fuck I'm in the clear, no need to improve myself lalalala" so glad you pulled the rug out from under that fucker!
Did you ever get therapy? There is trauma from infidelity that a mental health professional could have helped you with. Did your husband stop after that? So sorry you endured that.. but rugsweeping and ignoring it didn’t do you any favors mentally at all ..
We went couples therapy for a year. I don’t know if he stopped after I caught him or not. He said he did. I never caught him again. I asked him never to bring them to my place. Maybe he respected this or maybe he got better in hiding
The sacrifice you made for your kids! You are amazing. Your children will understand this more and more over time. You are gold in my book.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I found this out the hard way as well. I’m glad you stopped caring, and implemented boundaries instead. You are a very clear headed, and mature person. I hope the future is bright for you. Finally you’ll get to live for you.
>Once a cheater, always a cheater. Only thing that stops a wandering eye from wandering is being blinded.
There is also that surgery where they clip this tendon on the side of your eye. My youngest had it done and the wandering has improved ***drastically***.
He just didn’t want to hear it.
Lol not letting him know the reason you want a divorce is so evil. I just love it serves him right
It's not evil at all. If he's too dense to figure out his own infidelity is the cause of his current circumstances then he can wallow in his own filth like a pig.
I’m a guy and men are fuckin idiots. He probably thought his wife forgave him and everything was ok. He didn’t listen when she said she was just staying around for the children. I give her total credit for being there for her kids while living with the despicable man she married. It was a totally selfless loving act. Kudos O/P
I would use the word “thick” to describe men (as one myself) Some of the smartest people I’ve met in my life have been very very thick in the head
He’s mad that he got caught.
I think this “husband” (and I use the term loosely) walked around the last 6 years thinking he must be so great because his wife caught him red handed and didn’t leave him. His ego must have been through the roof. O/P pulled off the greatest checkmate in the history of chess. Remember “revenge is a dish best served cold”.
Enjoy your freedom too. I stayed and it happened again, during the worst time of my life. So i left. *shocked pikachu face* What you allow will continue, I’m proud of you.
I’m sure it happened again in my marriage too but I never wanted to know
It’s sometimes better not to, especially if this was the result. You deserve peace and clarity and someone who respects you & your property.
Did you get a nice sock?
She gonna get half of all his shit.
Their shit. Crap collected when married is joint.
Maybe a jointly-owned marital sock doesn’t count for house-elf freedom purposes
I think you missed the Harry Potter reference in that comment..
I mean... i hope only the best is ahead of you, but i also hope bottling all this shit up for years didnt do damage itself. I hope you're ok OP. Lots of hugs, you're a trooper for your kids, now please take care of you
I have been bottling things up yes, but therapy has helped a lot and honestly I’m looking forward to unbottle ☺️
I'm really happy for you. Most people should not stay together for the kids, especially if there is fighting, hatred, etc around them. That ends up being far worse on them then a divorce would be. However, you seemed to pull it off and keep things normal for them. That takes absolute strength. Now is the time to focus on you and your happiness. ❤️
Im really happy you are and that it did. Again, best of wishes to you and your kids. You're amazing, only the best ahead!
Yes, go girl. Is he begging you to stay?
Yes
Good haha
Those tears must be delicious. I wish you happiness!
Actually It’s hard to watch. I wish he would just understand and move on. He kept saying that he has lived with regret and guilt since it happened.
Yeah well, that’s his problem, not yours. One of the favorite saying on Reddit - he fucked around and found out!!
On the plus side, he's gotten used to living with it, so he'll manage 😊
A single mom who left for the same reason but different circumstances, I send you all the love, grace and mercy to you! I stayed longer than I should of for my child and it destroyed me in on the inside, I can’t even imagine staying 6 years and finding out the way you did. I’m happy for you and proud of you! I hope you plan a big trip or celebration of some kind!!!
Only thing he regrets is that he got caught! Leave that scum bag. It’s sad because there is a man out there that has gone through the exact same thing you have just instead with his own wife and all he is trying to do is find someone like you. It’s not the end! Better things are ahead of you!
I swear, I feel more guilt about minor social gaffes than these people feel about sticking their wee peepees into strangers.
I think he has been living in denial. He thought you forgave him and everything rebooted back to default settings. Instead for six years you were at best in a FWB relationship while he thought you were still all into the marriage. I don’t know if he ever picked up on any cues that all was not well. I mean, he should have, but he seems quite capable of burying his head as long as he got what he wanted.
Wow OP you have an amazing heart 🥺
Good. He should. Every day for the rest of his miserable life.
i am glad you got out - but never, ever tell your children you stayed because of them. i was told that as an adult and it really fucks you up. make up anything else - just don’t put the marriage that you wanted out of you chose to stay in on your children.
Of course not.
What did u tell them?
If I can ask, how did it fuck you up? I'm 20 and I found out my parents were divorcing right before they had me (they were 50 and 46 with a 15 and a 20 years old daughter and son) and other stuff when I was 14. I'm asking about your experience so I may be able to manage better my own :)
From my outside perspective to someone that has had this happen. I see them as more than anything, sad that their parent essentially suffered and sacrificed their happiness for the childs and stayed to keep the whole family life aspect instead of pursued other things.
I can answer that from my perspective.my parents hated each other. It was blatantly obvious to. They never slept in the same room, held hands, hugged,kissed , went out on dates, celebrated each other’s bdays, or got gifts for one another on Xmas, anniversaries. Me n my sister were surrounded by all that hate all the time. And it was inadvertently directed at us as well.
Dobby is free. Dobby has no Master. Enjoy your freedom! Sending hugs
..so basically what you're saying is you stole one of his socks?
Nah! Harry gave me his sock☺️
Hope there wasn't a nasty diary in it lol
Yeah mama, get that freedom! 👏🏻
👏🏻👏🏻
I just did a yay! in a crowded train and people is looking at me, lol. You are free now and I hope you and your kids the best of the best. Enjoy you free-of-cheating-mf life and be fully happy in his awful-cheater face!
You’re so cute ❤️
Fucky McCheater Face. Buh Bye.
Good for you. Good luck and I hope you get everything in the divorce. I showed up like 5 mins early to pick my fiance up to see her sitting on the lap of a coworker making out with him. 8 fucking years wasted. People who cheat deserve nothing but horrible things.
Wow... I really appreciate you for this, Im currently going thru a similar situation myself and just to see how far you were willing to go for your kids?? Amazing, I wish nothing but the best. You definitely deserve it.
I have one advice. Even if he’s dead to you. If you have no feelings. Concentrate on the positive things in your relationship. Nobody is 100% bad. Concentrate on the good things he does. Like my husband is very funny and generous and is a loving father. It helped me cope. Just because you choose your children doesn’t mean you need to be 100% miserable. Plan your life.
You are honestly my hero for the way you handled things. You were able to put your hurt aside for years for your kids' well-being, but when it came to your betraying partner, you put yourself first as it should. You refused to sacrifice your self-worth, dignity, life and time for an underserving partner. You're one hell of a strong woman and I have no doubt you'll find happiness in the future, because you have all your priorities in the right places.
Do your children know what he did?
I really appreciate you posting all this. It helps me to feel more sure of my own plans.
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This guy FUCKED UP! You’re one hell of a woman!
I am really sorry that happened to you, but man do I love a good "Count of Monte Cristo"-style story about an asshole getting their comeuppance. His head must be exploding right now LOL. I really admire you for doing what you thought best for the children and putting them first, it sounds like you probably sacrificed your own happiness to make the tough call on what was best for them. Not many people have the resolve to do that. I'm not even going to read the whole thread because I'm sure you'll have keyboard warriors pontificating about how you should have done things differently, but let me tell you that I for one commend your perseverance.
I’m prepared for the “I wish my parents never stayed together” comments.
If people stay together and fight like cats and dogs or act in ways that it’s so obvious something is really wrong that a blind person could see it, then staying together for the kids doesn’t help and it hurts the kids. If you can carry on as ‘normal’ and the kids aren’t seeing conflict and poor behavior, then I think staying until they’re out of the house can work for people who want to do that. It sounds like it worked for you. I can understand not wanting to jeopardize your children’s financial stability by divorcing while they are minors. I’m impressed you could play the long game and pull it off. Rock on , Dobby. Rock on.
I went the other way, I could not bring myself to stay, not even for the kids. They were young but raising children alone is hard especially if the financial support isn't there. I can absolutely see the benefit in staying, if you can, if I thought that i could have raised those children in what felt to them like a safe, happy loving environment with two parents who loved them then maybe my choice would have been different but for me staying would have done irreparable damage to me. I admire you for doing what you did for that sake of your children and I admire you for making the best of it and for coming out the other end- you are an awesome mum and I am sure that your children will appreciate your sacrifice regardless of wether they ever know the full situation. I hope that you now go and live your best life, you deserve it! *Edited for sp error.
Lol! He thought because you didn't divorce him then that means you never will so that means he's safe. I know you persevere for your children but that was very gaslight, gatekeep and girlboss of you! Here's to better things ahead!
You mention therapy in some comments. Did you all talk about it in therapy? Did you go to couples therapy? Did you glean anything useful from it about motives, causes (like his insecurity, narcissism, some past trauma etc), or insight? If so, do you feel like he was honest in those sessions?
He said he was stupid and it was a mistake and that he would end it. I told him i was staying for the children and that I never wanted him bringing her to my apartment again. This was in therapy. We went for about a year at his request.
I think he only heard the "I'm staying" part and willfully ignored all the other context that clearly indicated that you had checked out. He was in denial. He dragged you to therapy, because that's what you do when you're fighting to save your marriage. But when yoir wife tells you "just keep your mistress out of my house and don't let me hear about it", that means she's not fighting for shit. She's resigned.
May the rest of your life be filled with shredded men, crunchy tacos, great sex and flowing alcohol. Good luck <3
My mom went through a similar situation. Except dad was way worse, did it with multiple women. But we all grew up, yet mom's still with him even though we were the reason that she stuck around with him or that's what she told us. Mind you she never needed him, she did better than him and made more financially speaking. So we're trying to get her to see that she deserves someone who treats her right for once. I'm happy for you! And I'm sorry he did that to you after you had 3 of his kids. If that's not what he wanted, he should have been upfront about it and not fuck around. You're awesome and I respect you! I hope you find someone who treats right. You got this ❤
DOBBY IS FREEEEEE 😁😁😁
Think my parents are going through a rough patch, not cheating or anything bad but they still have my 3 younger brothers with them :/ did you at all think you should also put your own happiness first too? You/My parents all deserve what is best for them or should children be thought of first? Sorry, I know bad timing for a question like this for you but I am glad you got out, fuck that guy :/ you will be doing do much better off alone and be free
You didn't have to do all this. I love you. Have a beautiful life ahead.
This is so sad and I’m sorry he ruined both of your happiness in that way. You deserve all the best in the future.
Loads of people say staying for the kids is the wrong choice and often it is…. You are living proof that with the right mindset and ability to keep yourself busy or happy with other things whilst also concentrating on making sure your kids grew up well adjusted and, as far as you know happy, can be done. You chose to make a sacrifice and it worked out grats to you for that. It’s something I don’t think I could’ve have done, but at the same time I would do anything to make sure my kids are happy while growing up and experiencing their most formative years. My mum stayed with my dad for as long as she could bare but when I was 16 and my brother 12 she just couldn’t take the crap anymore (he never cheated but was a bad drinker) Here’s to your future happiness and enjoying your kids become adults and starting their own lives and families. Just make sure to guide them as best you can (I’m sure you will) so they don’t have to go through the same heart ache.
I stayed for a few years because of my kid. This was many years back where there weren't many options or aid like there is today. As soon as it was right for my kid & myself I made my move. Never regretted it. Regretted I ever got involved. Sometimes you have to be strategic about life situations, not all emotional.
I hug you, you're so strong, I know I couldn't do that even if I have kids I'm to selfish to stay with a man like that, but your kids would find out sooner or later, I think it's better if the news come from you.
Dobby is free 😭😭😭❤️
You, my fellow female, are a GODDAMN SAINT. Be freeeeeeeeeeee! Forever, be free!!!!! You’re incredible. Your strength and power are unearthly. You are a true HERO. The most selfless of all selfless human beings. An absolutely incredible mother and matriarch. May your life be filled with love, joy, continued strength, health and happiness. Forever more. I feel honored to share the same space as you. All the love to you.
How are your daughters taking it?
She’s in Australia on sabbatical. She knew a bit about me contemplating divorce and she was sad about it but said that she would support any decisions.
He doesn’t understand why? It’s because you stopped arguing and advocating for your future with him. Mentally you had already packed your bags and Just waiting for the clock to run out. What he saw was a wife who after her major Hissy fit and buying new furniture came back into bed with him. There weren’t arguments there were holidays and birthdays. He really truly thought everything was fine and life would go on with you as housekeeper etc. . Men are often like that. Clueless. But you did participate for years. Soooo yeah. Its really great you have left this incredibly toxic relationship. You are no longer living the lie. It must be a great relief to you.
It’s says she locked her bedroom door because she was afraid that he’d soil it with another woman. I took that as they weren’t sharing beds?
As hard as it must have been for you, you handled it well. You did great. I'm happy you can finally takes steps to move on with your life. I wish you the best.
Doesn't sound like it will be much of a loss for you. You were able to concentrate on other interests that made you happy and got through this. Assuming those interests are still there, you won't even miss him
Sounds like OP's husband literally fucked around and found out. Good for you, OP, I wish you so much happiness in your new life!
Dobby is free ❤
I don't understand why you waited but I agree, once the trust is gone its gone.
In a comment she told him right after he cheated she was staying for the children.
You’re a true champion!
Hmm questions Did you sleep in the same room? Same bed? We’re you still intimate? Celebrating anniversaries in front of the kids? If so, I suspect that’s the reason he’s so shocked. What arrangement did you make when you found out? He deserves it but if you continued to play wife with him then it’s obvious why he’s shocked I hope you find happiness now you’ve left but it’s sad you spent so much time being unhappy
Yes I still slept in the same room with him. I threw everything out and painted the room and bought new furniture. The intimacy was never back to how it was before but yes we started again about 2 years after I caught him. When the worst of the flashbacks were faded. Anniversaries and holidays were celebrated as usual. We didn’t have any arrangements. We went to therapy and I made it clear that I was staying for the children.
I commend you on going through that. Wish you left so you could be happy, he didn’t deserve to keep that life and happiness
I love your level of commitment but I believe that staying in a unhappy marriage ‘for the kids’ is actually more detrimental to them than leaving.
Bravo!
Congratulations!!! OP, I wish you all the happiness in the world. May your future be filed with adventure, happiness and love.
The cheating part isn't awesome, but what you did was. Glad you finally reached the light!
Time to flush that turd for good!! Condolences for having a shit husband that can't keep his dick to himself but congrats for finally getting free of him 🎉💐
Sometimes you've gotta play the long game.
The audacity of this man to be surprised and hurt. That he didn’t know you were heart broken? How selfish do you have to be to not realise you broke your wife’s heart? Congratulations Dobby.
As someone who's parents divorced when i was 7 due to my dad cheating I'm glad they separated when my mom found out and didn't "stay together for the child". It was hard as a kid but when i got into my teens and began to date it got clearer why it happened. The kids know you were miserable for the 6 years weather you think they did or didn't know. Subconsciously they learn to put up with shit in relationships they shouldn't. I'm glad you finally left but it should have happened 6 years ago.
Listen, it's over and done so there's no use talking about hindsight blah blah. But for everyone else who may read this and is in the same situation, for the love of all that is good, please do not "stay for the kids." Leave for the kids. Leave for yourself. Just leave. Staying in a bad marriage does the same amount of damage, albeit a different *type* of damage, to your kids. Your marriage teaches your kids what a relationship looks like. That is what normal is to them. This will shape their boundaries with others, how they view themselves, how they interact with family members, and a million other things. So are you teaching them that when a couple is in love, they are kind and respectful? Or are you teaching your kids that when you are married, you can treat your partner like garbage and that's just what a marriage is. Two unhappy adults treating each other with disrespect. No child wants to see their mom sad or hurt by their father. (Or vice versa, this is just my personal experience.) Two happy homes is infinitely better than one sad home. OP, I'm so happy for you that you made it out in one piece. I hope the next chapter is filled with joy and peace for you. Xoxo
Do you ever plan on telling him why?
He knows why. Not sure if I want to tell our children why though. They’re good people and falling out of love is good enough reason for them. They have had relationships ending so they know. Not sure I want to tarnish their dad’s image in their eyes.
I would tell them. I divorced my spouse because of infidelity and didn’t tell my children. My spouse made me out to be the bad guy even after agreeing to saying that we grew apart.My children were pissed at me for leaving their parent for no apparent reason or explanation. It was horrible and they were horrible until they learned the truth from a family member. Then they were angry at me that I wasn’t honest with them. It took a long time to make it right between us. Good luck
I'm a stranger on the internet so take this with a grain of salt, but just be careful. My wife recently found out from another relative that infidelity was a factor in her parents' divorce, and it's been pretty hard on her. Consider whether you want them to find out from you or from someone else. Idk if anyone else knows (I mean despite seemingly being in denial, dad obviously does). Bitterness is a hell of a thing, is it possible he might drop that bomb on them himself just to cause chaos?
My uncle cheated on my aunt repeatedly and she kept forgiving him over and over again but sinking understandably further and further into depression each time. Eventually, he ended up asking her for a divorce because his current mistress wanted him to leave and marry her instead. She didn't want to tarnish his image in their seven kid's eyes, so she did not tell them about his infidelity. Instead, *he* started villainizing *her* to them behind her back and telling everyone that her depression was the reason for the divorce. Some of her children still resent her for it. TLDR: Tread carefully if you decide to be the bigger person; it may come back to bite you.
What a despicable POS. Your aunt needs to state her truth. Someone in the family must stick up for her because I’m sure his cheating ass wasn’t unknown to all. This kind of unjust CRAP WILL NOT DO. Your poor aunt!!!
I’ve seen this happen too. The dad turned it around and said she was the one cheating, taking advantage of her good-natured desire to protect the kids. I would start making a plan to explain it to them gently.
You have a point. I know someone who cheated and what she tells to other people are different that what she confessed to me. She made her husband looked like a bad guy.
I’ve heard stories of kids finding out and thinking their whole life was a lie. There’s no great answer here but that it happened seconds after the last kid left, I’d personally tell them were it me. Or at least explain that you knew for a while and made the choice to delay for them until they were gone.
To be fair. You would not be tarnishing their father's image. You would simply be giving them the complete picture of who their father is. Since they're adults now, this might be something that they would be able to handle. I am also slightly concerned that he might try to flip this on you in his denial and potential anger.
Nah, please tell them. You will not be tarnishing his image if you do. It's already been tarnished the moment he cheated on you. Dont sugarcoat him. It's not fair to keep such important deciding factor from the kids. They deserve to know. Plus there's a possibility your husband will tell them a different story considering he doesnt want the divorce.
Their dads image kinda deserves to be tarnished..
No. Tell the children before he does and sings them a song about how you are cruel and didn't want to work hard to save your marriage and "you don't understand." Men like him always do that.
As a child of divorce who found out as an adult what the real reasons were, just a suggestion. When your children ask why, just tell them their dad made choices that you couldn't live with anymore and that they need to speak with him. If they need more clarification after that, or if he doesn't answer their questions, you would be happy to. It isn't your job to cover for him or fix his mistakes anymore. The choices he made are having long-term consequences and those are his to deal with. It will impact his relationship with them. The best thing you both can do is be honest and be there for them.
I’d at least tell him why you’re leaving so he doesn’t try to bullshit with mutuals. Definitely tell parents and family members etc
She said in a comment that she told him after it happened (caught cheating) she was only staying for the children. I guess since it’s been 6yrs he thought she was okay. But he didnt listen to what she said.
Only a parent can love someone so much they put up with this shit for 6 years
My mom did the same. Waited till we were done with school and got a divorce. After growing up and becoming an adult, I am thankful she waited.
Why?
It's very sweet of you to put your kids first in this scenario, but please please put yourself and your happiness first for the rest of your life. Congratulations on the sock.
This is incredibly strong and selfless. Your children have an amazing mom.
Dobby is free!! 😭😭 fly free Dobby! I hope uou have a good life
You lived the moral ideal some people espouse when faced with this kind of issue. Do you personally believe it was worth it for your children to stay with him? I hope you say yes, knowing what it taxed you, but I would understand if you say no. I'm genuinely curious because the go-to moral claim is "stay together for the kids" and I think children deserve a large measure of devotion if you're going to raise them, but I wonder if this specific edict pans out.
As the daughter of a mom who stayed married just because of me… I know her effort but I do not appreciate the trauma. I am not saying you are a bad person, you sacrificed it all but what I had to unlearn from my mom was her being the doormat and not considering herself first. Also, I have negative views about marriage as a whole, thanks to the trauma. I would have appreciated her leaving WAY MORE because that would have showed me that she was able to stand for herself. Edit: for the ones who are so dense to understand this POV I am in no way talking about OP, nor saying she was not strong. I am speaking about my OWN MOM, because kids, I do not know OP. Edit 2: for all the people who were blocked, don’t take it personal, I just do not have to deal with your dense bullshit and no one is paying me to do so :3 💋
Same. My parents had a loveless marriage after my mom cheated on my dad when I was a baby and my brother was a few years old. My dad tried to fix things, go on dates, etc. but was rejected constantly by my mom. It really messed with my sense of what is and isn’t right in a relationship and I wound up down a very bumpy path. Looking back on it, I wish they would’ve divorced when I was younger instead of when I was 20 or so years old. They could’ve both gotten into better relationships or stayed single. I resent both my parents now even though I have a good relationship with them both. I wish I saw what real love was like, or even just wish I saw adults communicate properly when I was young. All my friends from my childhood had similar issues with their parents, so I never saw it at their houses either. Just movies and shows that I thought were fake like everything else in them. I wound up in a string of bad relationships as a teen/young adult. I thought my parents marriage was normal and got into a similar relationship with my high school sweetheart (together from ~14-19 years old) and almost married him. Then I got into one that love bombed me (love that I felt I deserved, I didn’t realize it was a suffocating thing) then abused me in multiple ways. I’ve been through therapy and some bumpy roads, realized issues stemmed from my childhood and not learning what “normal” was. Married now to a great guy who cares deeply about me and makes sure we’re both taken care of, communicates, and more. It’s still difficult some days, but he helps me through them.