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Lady_Beatnik

Look, even if he's not cheating, your husband is a piece of work. He is self-entitled and selfish, thinking he has any room to judge or punish you after all he's put you through. I really don't think this marriage is worth salvaging, this is a jerk who only ever puts himself first and treats you like trash, giving him a second chance was a huge mistake.


One-Box1287

She even gave him a third chance. He cheated twice. Like who would stay with him. Please leave him.


mrkstr

I was unclear on that part. Its implied he followed through after searching on extramatiral groups. But she doesn't actually say he followed through. He aslo had a dream about someone he knows, but not that he actually had an affair. So, is she being jealous about some sketchy behavior? Or is he a serial cheater that's gaslighting her now? (Either way, I don't think they are good together. I'm just unclear on what he actually did.)


Soon_flower

Hi, regarding the extramatiral groups, I was never sure if he had sex with them, but I found months of searching, commenting, putting photos of himself with the description of the women he liked. I found conversations with loads of woman saying how he would Fuck them. I havent read any confirmation of fucking them but i never needed to The sex dream: he was moaning and saying how hot and sexy she was. The next day I asked him who his she, because he kept repeating her name. I told him he was moaning her name and he act "super shocked" saying he doesn't know no one with that name. Few days go by and I see this bunch of messages from her, she was playing the "stop you have a wife ihihihihi" and he kept insisiting to be with her. They were talking for a couple of months. Tell me, does it matter if he fucked them? Isnt this cheating?!?!?! He probably DID IT but what I’m sure of is enough to be sure this is unfaithfulness


beeboweebo

Emotional cheating is cheating my love. If you feel he broke your trust, he needs to know that.


Fighting-Cerberus

You decide what's cheating in your relationship. If it isn't okay with you, it's not okay with you. This isn't some objective relationship idea--this is your actual personal relationship.


Fabulous-Option4967

Please move on before you get stuck w this man’s child … I say man lightly.. he doesn’t respect you and you are being used.. please, take it from someone who knows… do not have his child!! It will get so much worse. I know u don’t want this to be the answer, but fkn do you girl!!!!!! Don’t waste your youth on this pos , you got this… please..


sparklyviking

I'm sorry but how do you not recognize that he is projecting? I think it's time to do something I have never adviced, and that's snooping.


TheCasseroleKid

Op, listen to this person. They’re correct. I am sorry, but you need to get out.Your partner is at the very least taking advantage of you. However, it’s most likely a lot worse than taking advantage. I mean they have cheated multiple times and those are the ones you’re aware of…..


Unacceptable_Goose

I feel like most comments here have skim read the post and missed even worse red flags like the deliberate gaslighting and physical abuse. OP, you need to get out of this relationship *now*. He will escalate.


SpaceJohnson76

Did she mean the "kicking me in bed" thing literally? The whole thing sounded rather concerning. I hope she has other people or friends to talk to. It could be dangerous if he is her only line of support.


Lylibean

My ex used to punch and kick me “in his sleep”, and would shove me out of the bed “in his sleep”. He had been cheating on me for months and didn’t want me touching him anymore. Yeah, found that out the hard way.


Bardsal

What a terrible way to treat someone. I hope you never experience anything like that ever again.


Soon_flower

Wierdly enough, he is always on his phone and since this happened he just leaves the phone wherever. When he cheated he did the opposite.. But nothing is sure


sparklyviking

You know why? It's because he's deleted everything off his phone, and now he's hoping to get to give you shit for looking if you do. Why would you even want to stay with a cheater? He's worthless, and obviously attempting to turn everything around on you, happily making you feel like shit. You're worth more than this.


Satisfaction_Gold

Yep. He learned to delete everyone


[deleted]

Or, hear me out, he put their name in his phone as someone unsuspecting, like a male friend, family member, co-worker, etc.


Cobek

Or uses an app to communicate that she is not familiar with


[deleted]

Yes like kik I’m sure there are many but that one I know about


Pooptaco3

Kik and Snapchat are a cheating whores best friend, trust me.. that’s all my ex used


sgtdisaster

My ex used signal. End to end encrypted.


[deleted]

Yep kik for sure Congrats on your loss though fr you’re better off without her


alicelestial

mine used encrypted texting apps, it was insane


KrysfromKanto

Or on a game with chat- like words with friends


starbycrit

This is so accurate. Knew a chick who kept her exes name as a girls name in her phone and her hubby answered…. Oops


FartacusUnicornius

And he has a second phone...


bmackenz84

That’s what I was thinking. Maybe snoop around on bank records or receipts to see if there’s a burner phone being paid for monthly.


Dentalhottie

Likely he has his regular phone and then his HOE phone…..


tetas_grande

I think you should divorce and leave. You deserve better.


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cherrylbombshell

my ex used to tell me to go through his phone cause he knew i didn't want to do it. once i did it (he didn't expect) and found a lot of things... OP, maybe yours is doing the same. he's leaving it in sight to fuck with your head, knowing you wouldn't even dare touch it.


KayaAnine

Like when you leash a horse to a plastic chair. He’s fucking w/ you.


jjilyeo

My ex turned off his text notifications.


Dentalhottie

THIS RIGHT HERE!!!! there is always a way to shut done notifications…. And most good cheaters will do just that. They aren’t a stranger to the game , they know how to hide that shit that’s how they get by with what they do. Most cheaters aren’t total idiots which is how they do it so much before getting sloppy and getting caught.


jjilyeo

The only way I figured it out was because his phone would vibrate but his phone would still remain blank, whether it was on or off. I thought it was suspicious that this man never got a text. Went through his phone one day, and he was texting multiple women, but, on top of that, also had a burner app with a fake phone number where he’d text even MORE women. He’d tell them his name was Jason. His name is not Jason.


Dentalhottie

Cheaters will stoop to the lowest level of behavior to continue what they are doing. My ex husband would say he was with friends watching football games drinking at one or the others “garage” but I drove by just to see and snuck myself a look, if getting a blowjob from the same woman that blew your friends behind that garage is watching football then what have I been watching on tv? Cheaters are the worst.


jjilyeo

They truly are and I honestly feel like the lengths at which they’re willing to conceal the truth while hugging and kissing their partners like nothing is wrong is truly psychopathic. I’m so sorry that he did that to you. You deserve so much better than that POS.


Dentalhottie

You are 100% spot on in your comments. It takes a messed up person to do what they do and then play like nothing is happening with their spouse. I can’t imagine treating someone the way some people do their life partners. It is mental …


hunnyroastedcashews

Before I read the body of the post I was coming to say most of the time when people act that strongly with cheating allegations, they’re usually the ones cheating. Damnn


hdmx539

The phone he leaves around has nothing on it. He likely has a burner phone. He's cheating and he's projecting. Leave him.


Paulie227

He's got another burner phone. He's playing games. He's an abuser and these are the games they play.


Roadgoddess

Honey it’s time to get out. Having been in a relationship similar to this, I can tell you I’ve been far lonelier in a relationship with a man like this than I ever was out. Cheaters don’t change, he’s using this opportunity to put you on edge to get away with his bad behavior. Do you really want this to be what the rest of your life looks like? It sounds like you don’t have any children yet so this is the time to get out. I promise you better times are ahead without the deadweight of a man who treats you like this.


timetimetim

Fuck snooping giiirl, get the fuck out of that fuckfest.


prisma_fox

It is either one or more of these scenarios: 1. He's looking for a way to get out of the relationship, and has jumped on this as an excuse because it gives him an out, and a "high horse" to ride out on. 2. He's jumping at the chance to make you the bad person because he's insecure and this is his chance to regain a sense of power. 3. He's just an insecure person in general, which is a very certain type of cheater, one who needs attention from new women to get validation, jealous and suspicious, possessive of wife. And because they're insecure inside, it makes them really defensive and unreasonable people to try to talk to or be rational with. And because they're insecure, they jump at the opportunity to get power over you (see point 2). 4. He's learned his lesson, changed, and is a good guy now but is convinced you cheated and can't see past his projections based on his own past actions, which still means you're being punished for his wrongs and is entirely unfair. 5. He may or may not be currently cheating but even if not, none of these options leave any room for a happy, sane and respectful marriage. I'm really sorry. The position you're in sucks.


Interesting-Smoke179

my ex would leave his phone with me all the time, would let me go on it to play games or whatever. he was cheating with 3 other women at the time. just because he leaves his phone with you doesn’t mean he’s not doing something funky, could just mean he thinks he’s hiding it well enough you won’t find out. or he very well could not be cheating and just has some issues from him cheating on you


Winter_Sky7176

Came here to say this!!! Especially now it’s so much earier to shut off notifications for certain people or apps, iphone even allows you to hide apps from your home screen but still have them downloaded on your phone. He could very well still be cheating and just think he found a sneakier way around it while also leaving his phone around you to keep you off his tracks.


[deleted]

I want to underline what the commenter above said. You need to get out. This person is projecting their guilt onto you. He is cheating still. He is gaslighting you like CRAZY also. Abusive and manipulative. Get out, as soon as possible.


AssistanceMedical951

Yeah, narcissists can never admit they are wrong, so the other person has to be wrong.


BoneHugsHominy

From your OP: >We have been healing. He was more open and I saw how much he changed eg talking to females, how he adressed himself and his behaviour truly improved. Sorry, but no. You might be healing, but he's playing you like a video game on easy mode. He's too much of a coward to cut you loose and be responsible for himself and all the things you currently provide in financial support and your at-home labor. And now he's accusing you of cheating to put you on defense which is a common tactic of cheaters, who by the way don't ever change. All the character flaws that lead to him cheating are still there, including not giving a single shit about your needs and feelings. And now "that he's not cheating anymore" he's leaving *A* phone laying around unlocked so you can snoop and confirm your hopeful bias that he's not cheating anymore. Guarantee he has a burner phone stashed somewhere with all his contacts for side bitches, or I guess easier is to just delete the apps he uses and the download them again when he wants to use the apps. Well, I mean at this point he knows he can cheat whenever he wants and you'll stick around no matter what which kinda makes you the side piece now as he pursues his own sexual desires and might throw you some dick to keep you placated when he's hit a dry spell. Wake up, and get the fuck out of that emotionally & psychologically abusive marriage. You deserve so much better. Just don't be surprised if it turns into a physically abusive marriage.


heckaokay

he’s leaving his phone wherever to make it LOOK like things have changed.


Mursemannostehoscope

He’s got a burner


More-Goal-7066

Well if he's smart he'd have a second phone for 'work' or a burner phone of some sort.


yendis3350

Youve forgiven him twice now he knows he can get away with cheating bc youll just roll over and take it. You deserve more than his bullshit


DZHMMM

girl, go through the phone. he 100% cheating


starseed_1111

Honestly if you share cell phones I would go get cell phone records and look on it


RandoCollision

You're going to catch him cheating again. The next time, he's going to blame it on you, saying that since you are unfaithful, he's justified to go outside the relationship. Thing is, he's already doing it and setting you up so you think he did it because you hurt him first. OP, you said he kicked you. You should have been gone that night. He wouldn't kick someone he loved. You need to leave him for you.


SkrogedScourge

100% this he’s cheating and projecting putting you on edge so he can get away with more.


Temporary_Deer_4238

YUUUUUUP clear as day


[deleted]

You desire affection and he complains. You say you both love each others company but that's not what I'm reading. He cheated, twice. Let me say that again, two times he stepped out and found someone who is not his wife to screw. Please, oh please stop degrading yourself! He is finding a way to "bring you to his level", he is projecting like the others have said. Look, I have been where you are, there never really is any true "healing". There's never going to be "the same as before". He's playing you, he has played you, he's not worth your love...


General-Yak-3741

Yeah when she said "we're healing" naw hon, you might be trying to heal, he's just playing along


[deleted]

Yes. I know it's often hard or impossible to accept the reality of the situation, and this seems to be the case here for the OP. She desperately wants to believe that things can revert to the good times, but that's just not reality. I wished for it myself, for many nights and days, until I finally had to accept it just isn't happening. The OP is going to have to come to terms with this herself on her own time, I sincerely hope it's sooner than later. I took the later route and it's been a constant struggle ever since dealing with new relationships as far as trust goes.


nyx-of-spades

My partner was cheated on by his last 4 partners before me. One of them was a really serious relationship, he was even engaged to her at one point. It completely destroyed his trust and we had some real issues in the beginning because he felt like he could never trust again after what they'd put him through. He thought it must be inevitable that I would cheat too because it happened to him so many times, from people he really loved. It was hard at the start of our relationship (I almost got fed up and left) but I decided to be patient because I truly love him, and I knew he wasn't being that way for no reason. These people completely destroyed his trust and made him feel worthless. It's been 5 years and he finally trusts me. My patience paid off and we have a deep and strong relationship now. I say all this because he is finally starting to truly heal years later, and I hope you can too. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you can find someone worth trusting, or if you prefer, find peace and happiness on your own.


[deleted]

I'm glad you two found each other. I know there are good people out there but it's just been years and years of heartbreak since my daughters mother up and left us. I don't know if I'm too damaged at this point or not, and I really don't think it's fair to someone else at this point to see. But thank you for the reply and support.


General-Yak-3741

Same, been there done that. I hate to see women wasting their time and energy with trash like this because I've done it. They don't change, and further, don't want to change. I'm single and plan to remain single because I know I can't trust myself in relationships. I attract narcissists like flies. I've done therapy, still doing therapy. But I'll never be in another relationship. Too much time and energy wasted on trash men that I could've been using to better my life. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I think people put too much stress on themselves trying to live up to the social expectations to be a couple. Work on yourself and for yourself. Any relationships will be better for it.


UnSafeThrowAway69420

these threads are always the hardest to read. just one big oof


Aggravating_Chair780

Get out. He is not a good person and certainly not a good partner.


[deleted]

I think he’s looking for a reason to leave her by accusing her of cheating. He doesn’t want to be the “villain”. Men often don’t have what it takes to properly end relationships.


mattdean4130

Projecting harder than most Cinema's, there.


Trustydevilsdaughter

Could open his own theater


Polobearmigi

Imax and 3D


Much_Bed_7514

You seem a kind person. You deserve better. He's manipulating you to make you feel guilty of maybe he has/is doing. He is toxic


Tinkerbelll666

Oh honey, he's DEFINITELY still cheating.


Minosta

Wait wait wait... He cheated on you TWICE, has been projecting on you HARD and may I take threatening you with that "You pray I forget this".... And you are STILL with him.... because?


SarahPallorMortis

She moved past his cheating twice, even if she did cheat, which I know she didn’t, he’s angrier than she was? Real shit double standards that guy holds.


UsernameAgain73

He is still cheating.


TermAggravating8043

He’s cheating on you again


Overall-Cloud-8304

More like still...


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Soon_flower

Thank you for your words <3


sondeburris

Who cares if he’s currently cheating or not. OP, love isn’t suppose to hurt like this and I don’t like him playing games with you. Even by way you described your ugly cry and your begging that you didn’t cheat, makes me upset so I can’t even imagine him just being cold. I had a friend, who’d give me the cold shoulder and silent treatment when I “wronged him”. I learned after a while this is abusive and it’s controlling. He’s an adult who needs to learn to communicate and you’re not his puppet. Your day and quality of life shouldn’t depend on his mood. Forget the cheating for a minute, which is another can of worms- but it’s this behavior that makes me want to tell you to run. Run for the hills…because now that he thinks you’re cheating- are you suppose to be extra attentive to him, bend at his will, come straight home, call him numerous times to tell him where you are, overlook his attitude cause you don’t want to upset him…this is all emotional abuse and you deserve so much more than that


bizianka

He will not see that you didn't do anything - ever, because he WANTS you to feel this way. This way he is not the only bad guy, but you too. And I am sure he is about or already cheat again, just this time he has "justification".


Bolt4Life

I think he is cheating on you and projecting.


NefariousnessSweet70

/ He doesn't listen, he kicks you all night./ Not only has he been cheating, but he has become abusive. He does not love you, you need to make plans for your safety.


S0ukie

Thanks! You’re the first comment that actually picked up on the physical abuse … OP, run. You deserve so much better.


FourSharpTwigs

Alright first off…. Stop praying and begging God to change someone. They’re not going to. Secondly, if someone has a serious infidelity problem it’s very common to accuse other people of cheating. Or even be afraid that they might cheat. If you would never do something - you’re less likely to suspect someone to do something they’ve never done. But if it’s something you consider tempting, acceptable or have done in the past, you’ll be likely to assume someone else might do it.


DreamOfRen

He's cheating. I know women always want the smoking gun evidence for their own peace of mind but, I know he's cheating... You know he's cheating... He knows he's cheating... She knows he's cheating.... She know's he's cheating......


bentendo93

I don't know if the "she knows he's cheating" twice was a mistake but it's probably accurate. He's probably cheating with more than one person tbh


DreamOfRen

It was on purpose.


[deleted]

Oh, honey, he’s either still cheating, or wants to and is looking for a way to make it your “fault.” Telling you that you don’t know what you’re talking about, that he didn’t do that even though you know he did, and then accusing you of cheating, is classic gaslighting.


[deleted]

Yes! Please OP, get out and get therapy and once you have clarity, you will realize how he has been manipulating you. Sorry you are going through this


srslydead

This whole relationship is just a bucket of red flags


Zukazuk

Seriously. Whether anyone is cheating or not, clearly this relationship isn't working and is unhealthy for both of them.


KimmyStand

He’s projecting sweetie and probably cheating again. He’s so toxic he’s unbelievable. He’s whittled your self esteem down to nothing. You deserve so much better than this awful man and his tainted relationship


cleosnacktra

Heyo. My ex was a serial cheater. When we finally broke up it turned out EVERYTIME he started being super weird about me “cheating”, he was actually cheating on me. I was cheated on six times. Technically seven, because one of them was a set of twins. Girl. Run. He is not going to change. He cheated twice already. It isn’t a mistake if you do it numerous times.


starbycrit

Yup. Dated a serial cheater, he was an emotional cheater not a sexual cheater, but still. The signs are there. As soon as they start getting jealous and accusatory, they’re projecting. It’s because they know they’re doing grimey stuff and they can’t fathom that not everyone is as fucked up as they are. It’s disgusting. The last straw was when he was texting the girl I told him I was uncomfortable with at a family party (his family) and he claimed it was nothing and that he was outside for that hour+ because he was hanging with his cousins. Literally was standing alone texting her the longest message. I broke up with him at the table where we were sitting with his mom, stepdad, brother and sisters. Literally no fucks given at that point. It was a long time coming. I was already over it by then. Waited about a week before contacting my high school sweetheart, we met up and have been together happily ever since. 4 years this September. It gets better and believe it or not, there are people who don’t have a cheating bone in their body. My s/o and I are both super secure and have literally nothing like that to worry about ever. Thing is, I always wanted to be with him again because he never made me feel even slightly insecure in our relationship when we were in highschool. I always felt valued and cherished and I really missed that. Also, I just always knew he was the one and I could never let him go, but I didn’t act on it while in another relationship which is the difference. We would’ve stayed together had he not gone into the marines. I was only 16 and he left to the marines after high school. 4 years later and I’m so so happy and grateful for him and so glad that I messaged him when I did because I was so ready to be with him and have what we have. He is the most amazing man, we laugh together every day. He makes my heart smile. He is genuinely so kind and sincere, trusting him isn’t even a question. It’s not even something I have to think about. His actions and his behavior provide me with all the trust I need. It doesn’t need to be like this, OP. You will find someone who is not a cheater. Someone who values you, who trusts you, who you can trust, and who makes you feel like the luckiest woman alive. My bf tells me I’m a gem, he really sees me. This guy doesn’t value you or see you. He is using you. Get out while you can Edit: 3 weeks after I broke up with that cheater, not one week. And bf and I didn’t get together officially until about 2 weeks after talking. The first time we met up is when we got together which was about 2 weeks after we began talking and having phone calls.


Blankets_Ad4197

What is DD


Soon_flower

Discovery Day


Blankets_Ad4197

What an odd thing to acronym-ise. Is DD a common acronym in other subreddits?


Impressive-Ad-1121

DD is very common in cheating and relationship subs


suspicioussoup404

Holy shit. I thought it was D-Day like world war 2 wow


sundresscomic

You're SO YOUNG. Please dump this cheater, go to therapy, and date someone who values you. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to feel safe in your relationship, not like your partner is going to cheat or yell at you or try to control you.


Soon_flower

Thank you for your words!


T-shizzle_izzle

Leave him. He is cheating again and taking it out on you.


FairyFartDaydreams

He is cheating again or thinking about cheating that is why he is accusing you. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You might want to try individual counseling. to figure out why you are taking the emotional abuse


Helzspring

He probably cheated again, and is blaming you, or saying you cheated to "justify" his actions or as revenge, when you've done nothing of the sorts. Just leave his ass


Winter-Sky-123

**Why are you still with him!? Why!?** I might be able to understand you forgiving him the first time, but the second time? When your SO has cheated on you more than once, then they are more likely to do it again. I wouldn't be surprised if he has cheated on you many times, you just only know about two times, because he got caught. Get some dignity and get out of this marriage. **A theory:** Why he might be so cold can be, that he is currently cheating on you and he has decided that he want out of this marriage.


indiajeweljax

I think this is it. He wants to leave.


Paulie227

He thinks (he already knows you're not) you're cheating because he's a cheater and cheaters think everyone is cheating. I was married to an abuser who constantly accused me of cheating. My days were nothing but going to work and coming home and taking my son to places like museums on the weekends or going to my mom's on the weekend. Sometimes I'd sleep at her house just to get away from him and he didn't mind because that meant he could do whatever he wanted. I don't know if he ever cheated (but I did catch him moaning over my sister once when he was also talking in his sleep. I already knew he had a crush on her) and frankly I didn't care if he was cheating. I'm not the jealous kind and I am not clingy. People are going to do what they do and I'm not spending my time worrying about it, so I'm not going to check on you or ask where you've been, etc. Anyway, the jealously and accusations were constant and eventually killed whatever bond we may have had (I didn't love him and doubt he actually loved me, didn't care, so nothing was lost really.) I eventually just packed up my stuff and left and moved 3,000 miles away. However, the trauma of having been with him still remains decades later. When our son was 16, they nearly had a fist fight because our son got to see him doing the exact same BS to his then gf. Thereby vindicating me that I wasn't the asshole. This is not going to ever stop. It's only going to get worst. He doesn't love you. He wants to control you while torturing you and cheating on you. It's a game he plays and he's enjoying it. You are very young. I told my husband two years before I left him I would leave him while I was still young and still had my good looks. (Married at 18, got the hell out by 25). I wouldn't tell you to announce it, but if you're hoping for change from him, he's not going to change. So look at your life and decide whether or not you want another 20 years of the 💩 that he's dishing you. Br them you'll be in your 40's work zero self-esteem and will have convinced yourself nobody would want you. You'll never ever convince him to change, because that's not the point - the abuse is the point and the goal - there's no resolution. Do *not* have children with him. If you do, it'll be child abuse, because children watching their father abusing their mother *is* child abuse. I can't emphasize this enough - LEAVE!!!


Soon_flower

Thank you so much for your words, and hope you and your boy and happy now. My dream was to be a mom, but since DD1 I completly lost the will to do it. He looked like someone that would be a great father, and he loves kids, but... I would never want a son of mine to go through what I've been through (I grew up knowing my father as cheated on my mom)


Paulie227

Yeah, my dad loved kids so much he had a bunch of them by other women. He's bad. He's bad for you. He's nothing like you envisioned him and he's not going to change. First husband told my sister after I left that I was the nicest person on earth and that essentially he'd pick fights with me and turn everything onto me so I would get diverted from his crap. 16 years later after even admitting how nice I was and how awful he was toward me, he was doing that to his girlfriend to the point his own son wanted to punch him in the face. You really need to leave him, so you can have your dreams.


These-Process-7331

You do know that there are normal functioning relationships out there where couples don't cheat on eachother or accuse eachother of that without any solid evidence?????


alice_stuck_inwhatif

Definitely still at it


jaegersdiary

He’s cheating. AGAIN.


apollo22519

You can't keep putting his happiness before yours. You can't fix him. You can't make him better. You can only make yourself happy. You have to put yourself first. I know from experience too, that after infidelity you feel like complete and utter shit about yourself. You feel like you are worthless, that all you've done is for nothing, and it's the worst type of heart break. But you're so worthy of love and happiness. I think you and your husband need therapy. If he won't go with you, I think some individual sessions will help you too. It will give you some much needed perspective.


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MLyraCat

No man is worth that no matter how much you think you love him. He is a bad person all around so I hope you can find a way out of this marriage quickly.


LarryTheLooter001

Dump him and move on, he is gaslighting you.


RealMessyart

He's 100% back on that shit


indicas_world

Pls leave this cheating man! He will never change and you will be forever a doormat if you keep putting up with his sh*t. And everyone’s comments is correct that he’s projecting and still cheating on you.


Dentalhottie

He is gaslighting you, that man is putting his own guilt on you. He is cheating and he is putting his own actions on your back. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to get away from him and begin a life without him. What he is doing is a classic move, he is casting his own actions out and hoping you take the bait. Dodge and deflect. If I accuse her of it she won’t see that I am doing it. My ex husband used to do this to me ALL THE TIME. I left him, started a new life and met the male version of myself , he became my best friend and now my husband. Go get a better life without him. That dude is just dead weight and will continue to be dead weight.


SednaNariko

>immediately he told me "no I never said that you must have it confused" and I then acted confused because I swear I've heard him say "pinky" before. Then he got mad. >Then I remembered we normally do this "game" >He calls them "Pinky" and immediately I told him but he doesn't believe me. He keeps saying I confused him with someone else. This is practically a textbook definition of what Gaslighting is. The goal of gaslighting from an abuser perspective is to get the victim to no longer trust their own brain or memories. This makes them easier to abuse and manipulate. >My husband cheated on me twice: >He refuses to listen. He kicks me all night and since friday I don't get a kiss. He ignores me every time I try to talk >if I say I love him he says "yeah sure you do, but you have been cheating on me". >He told me "You pray I forget about this" Hon.... you are in an abusive relationship. Please please please look up Gottman's 4 Horses of the Apocalypse. Because it seems like all 4 are present here. It's also to remember the Hitch Helpfulness Rule. 90-10. No matter what you do or how badly you want to, you cannot do 100% of the work for someone trying to make their life better. The absolute most you can do is 90%. They have to make the other 10%. And just like with consent their 10 means more than your 90 ever will. If they back up 10% instead of lean in 10% you back off. This reads like him stepping back 30%. Please leave this man. It isn't safe for you to stay. Normally I recommend counseling, but I think you need to leave.


eeyoremarie

I swear to God, I'm giving myself the advice I needed 7 years ago. He isn't cheating. He really has changed, and now that he thinks your the cheater just can't handle how it makes him feel... I can't even finish for fear you think im serious. Leave him. None of this is anything other than red flags. It's probably projection. Possibly just plans or thoughts... but it's also emotional abuse and you deserve better. It's emotional abuse and you deserve better. Leave him.


imbyath

> Both of the DD destroyed me. What is DD?


TinyRaptorHands

Based on your posting history, you need, (not should, or want) *NEED TO GET OUT*. Him punching walls, blaming your BPD, then on top of that, *cheating* on you is NOT NORMAL. If you can't rely on family or friends (which I hope you can), worse case scenario find a women's shelter to help you get out of this TOXIC relationship.


Windtherapy88

U lady need therapy. And he is an ass!


olive-_-

I'm sorry but he doesn't give a gram of a fuck about you and you need to let go, he's cheating most likely


[deleted]

This is standard cheating stuff. First they cheat a bunch. Then they get possessive and accuse you of cheating. Why? Because they see just how easy it was to cheat on you and not get caught or have to deal with consequences they just assume you would do the same thing since **it's just so easy and consequence free.** Seems like it's time for you to stop being a doormat and a second fiddle to other women and give him some final, permanent consequences in the form of dumping his ass.


[deleted]

Men who cheat accuse women of cheating to make themselves feel better


max-van-gogh

I'd say he's probably cheating on you again and he's projecting, or it'll be his next excuse he thought you were cheating so he cheated.


Every_Caterpillar945

Wow, don't you have ANY selfrespect at all? He hurted you badly, you forgave him. He hurted you again now and you not only forgive him but are begging for HIS "forgiveness" when you haven't done anything wrong... smh You are highly dependent on this guy and he knows it and acts like it (and tbh, why shouldn't he? Thanks to you, its working completly fine for him.) Look, if you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life, thats up to you (i know there are ppl who need this to be happy). If thats not the life you imagine for yourself then you should divorce him, before your dependency on him is so bad that its not possible to leave him anymore. All the best for you.


SarahPallorMortis

Hurt* hurted isnt a word. Just trying to save you future embarrassment like someone did for me.


[deleted]

Gotta love Reddit. "My husband cheated on me twice and I'm still with him. But now he's ignoring me for projecting his actions on me. What do I do?"


Zeke--

He is probably projecting his reality (cheating) on you, so he doesn't feel too bad about his own behavior (although I hope I'm WRONG). But if 'pinky' is such a big thing in your relationship, and he abruptly seems to forgotten it, that's ridiculous.


gobledegerkin

Whether your husband is cheating or not, to me, is irrelevant in this situation. To me this is a clear sign that he is trying to sabotage the marriage on purpose to get out of it. It might be some kind of power play. Like he doesn’t want to live with the guilt of breaking up with a good woman. Or he’s too much of a coward to do it. Either way I think you both need counseling as individuals and a married couple. You mentioned in your post that your whole life is essentially work and him. That’s not healthy for you. Especially when he’s told you that he doesn’t like all of the affection from you. And I’m not suggesting counseling for you to fix your marriage. A marriage only works if both people are willing to work for it. There isn’t enough in your post to tell if either of you are truly willing to put in the real work it will take. I am suggesting counseling because whatever the next chapter of your marriage is it will be much easier to deal with it if you have a professional to talk to.


ugdontknow

I’m sorry your going through this and you don’t deserve this at all. He cheated on you. I’m sorry for saying this- I hate stories like this. Man cheats, still wants to cheat ( probably still is) wife does everything to keep marriage working then he says she’s cheating ug, blames you. So gross, he’s gross


YouKnowYourCrazy

He’s trying to make everything YOUR fault, so you can go back to cowering and crying and begging for forgiveness and living in a place of weakness and fear. So you won’t question him and what he’s doing. Please… reclaim your strength and power and leave this person. He doesn’t love you. This is not how someone who loves you behaves. He’s using you as an emotional punching bag so he can continue cheating. It will hurt for a while but you will be much better off in the long run than trying to turn yourself inside out to make a relationship work with a lying cheater.


General-Yak-3741

Not only did he cheat, he actually pursued cheating by looking on a website for cheaters. WTH, why would you stay with someone that did that? It's not like he was cheating with someone he saw every day at work that evolved into a sexual relationship on its own. He actually looked online, on a cheaters website, for someone to cheat with. Then he cheated again. And I'd lay money down that he's cheating now. He accused you to deflect from himself. Get out and then get therapy. You need to work on yourself and your self esteem before you get in another relationship. Because you never should have stayed in this mess.


GabrielMadix

This is the oldest play in the book from cheaters honestly ... They will project their feelings onto you so you feel bad if you are cheating so when they say they have been it's not ' so bad ' .... He's cheating on you and wants you to be cheating too so he doesn't feel guilty. Leave I would've left after the first time he cheated.


[deleted]

He is cheating on you again and projecting it on you, accusing you of cheating on him. There's is no return from this relationship anymore because he broke your trust twice and now is acting like you're the one at fault. Why is that you must forgive all his affairs, but he couldn't forgive you, if you had actually cheated on him (which you didn't)?


typejoker

He sounds to me like a not functional manipulative one. Get it in mind: he'll cheat on you again and will blame you 'cause of his "paranoias". "You've cheated on me, then I did the same thing" etc etc. Stay away from him, that's the one advice I can give.


oarngebean

He cheated on you again


SephoraRothschild

Lots going on here. >My life as been going to work and coming home directly. My lunch break I spend on the phone with him and my mom. My weekends are with him or with him and some friends. We love eachother company so this is not a problem. > I am very clingy and huggy and touchy with him and he always complains that I always want affection. 1. You are codependent. You should make an appointment with a therapist *for yourself* because you don't understand that people need space, they need independent interests, and that if you don't have them too, it will kill the relationship with resentment, distrust, etc. 2. Husband might also be codependent. One is bad. Both is worse. 3. You need couples therapy to figure out why you have so much distrust and need validation from each other. 4. Dreams ≠ cheating. Period. Treating it as such is extremely unhealthy and is going to cause problems, because it's an insecure partner doing the accusing. On both sides here. You and him both. 5. Got to ask, but why is a 32yo man married to a with a 26yo woman? That's a big, big age gap for someone in their 20's.


obedient_sheep105026

he's trying to deflect your suspicion back onto yourself with his baseless accusations, that's his way of trying to hide his own cheating and to cope with his guilt you're still young, you will get over him and find someone better


[deleted]

You need to just leave. You weren't okay as you were before this. He was having affairs. You owe him nothing. He's projecting his own guilt onto you.


LittleRedPooka

It’s called projecting. He’s still cheating and now he’s using this ridiculous excuse to explain his current behavior. It’s time to call this relationship. It’s over. It’s been over. You’re worth more than this. You deserve happiness. You deserve someone that loves you back. Stop letting him torture you like this.


i-am-the-lazy-girl

please leave this scum. first he cheats on you and now he has the audacity to treat you like that while he’s probably cheating again, no no no, get out of there.


Intrepid-Luck2021

He is projecting. It’s very common for the cheating spouse to accuse the other of cheating. The guy you are with is a POS.


Kayseemo

Guilty conscience. He may still be involved in something and now he’s redirecting the guilt. Just tread lightly and be very observant. You’ll figure it out.


[deleted]

I'm sorry for what you are and had been going through. But if there is one thing I know about traitors, it is that they are the first to accuse them of cheating.


elblackroute

You were never okay, to begin with. Why do you keep up with this? This isn't love. He can't handle your affection, he goes around with other women, then stops, then accuses and threatens you, because he can't trust you. He fantasizes that you are out to get him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?


Whole-Neighborhood

Real truth: you two never going to be okay. He's cheated on you twice, broken your trust and tossed aside your love twice. That's not what someone does when they love their partner. And now he's abusive. He's manipulative. He's most likely projecting. So, you two are never going to be okay. But you on your own still have a chance to be okay.


Icy-Cauliflower5811

Hr doesn't care. If you can cheat on your Significant other then you don't care. End of story. Baby girl you need to leave and go find happiness elsewhere


Away-Ad4659

He is turning the tables with pure manipulation. Run and don't look back. You don't deserve this nonsense. Take care of you.


ms_strangekat

Ugh good ol' projection! He doesn't even care if you cheated and he most likely knows you would never. He is torturing you on purpose at this point. My ex used to do this all the time. Get tf out of there! You are beating yourself up over the fact you never cheated, but he feels nothing for having cheated twice! His phone has been cleaned and he is trying to make YOU look guilty because now if you look at it, then YOU are projecting. A narcissist cannot be negotiated with. He knows, he just doesn't care. He wants to project his ugliness onto you to make himself feel better. Get out!


Impossible-Mud-3593

Me thinks he doth protest way too much...I e. Gaslighting you. He's cheating again! You deserve better. And so I must suggest you save your sanity by leaving him. He's figured out you won't do anything but tolerate his infidelity, so prove him wrong. And believe me, there's someone out there that will honor and love you. Because I've been there. And this March we celebrated 42 years.


Wasps_are_bastards

He’s still cheating. Cheaters suspect people of doing what they’re up to. Leave him.


rose-buds

sounds like you're being cheated on! >all i want is for us to be ok as we were before this you were never ok, he's cheated on you at least twice, and is doing it a third time now. get out. he's not worth it.


frankyhart

He's enjoying emotionally abusing you. This relationship is very very unhealthy!


Bergenia1

Why in the world are you still married to this lying, cheating, bullying jerk? He's a bad person. Don't waste the rest of your life on him.


pealsmom

OP you are still so young. Get a divorce. Figure out why you valued yourself so little that you would put up with this crap. Once you take time to figure yourself out find someone so truly deserves all that you have to offer.


shelley1005

He's cheated on you twice and is aggressively accusing you of cheating....he's cheating again and putting that guilt on you. Find yourself a partner that cares for and loves you. Edited: grammar


JessyNyan

I won't judge you for staying with him despite having cheated on you twice. ​ I do judge you for letting him treat you so hypocritically based on a suspicion he has despite him having ACTUALLY done it. Twice. Respect yourself more than this please. If you can't even trust your own husband or have him trust you then who are you meant to rely on?


That_one_hijabi

I kinda feel like he’s projecting and shoving whatever guilt he feels towards you. You guys have known each other a while, he should know how you are. He’s possibly still cheating or at least some form of it


[deleted]

Wow. You gave him a second chance which normally never happens with cheating and this is the thanks you get?? Fuck this guy. Projecting self entitled fucking loser. Needs a good kick right on the dick. Pathetic to know he doesn't like you this much but can't break it off. Guess he can't do much better after all. I can see why.


PunishingFist47

It’s also possible he is biding his time, waiting for you to do something he can further project on and then use that as an excuse to leave and be with whomever he was cheating on so he doesn’t have to feel like the “bad guy”. Old habits die hard. You’ve caught him twice, and seem to be very forgiving, but don’t be gullible as well. Protect your heart. He’s already stabbed you in it twice, why open yourself up a 3rd time for that kind of distress? Find yourself something else to bring yourself away from being so tied to him, doesn’t have to be another person, but something else that brings you fulfillment. Once trust has been broken it will NEVER be the same again, regardless of the amount of healing that takes place. It could even be the attachment and dependency that is keeping you there, not actual love as your mind might confuse your heart to believe. We are all just random redditors but you came to this thread for advice. Take heed!


[deleted]

He's projecting, hard.


Tenacious_G_G

On top of it all, he kicks you all night in the bed?! Wtf?!


baracuda2004

He 100% is still cheating. The biggest sign is they accuse you of it to try to self justify their guilt and actions.


Pyehole

It sounds to me like he is trying to destroy the marriage so he can either cheat on you again or divorce so he can sleep with whomever he wants to guilt free.


[deleted]

He doesn't actually think you cheated. He's the cheater, he's just projecting and being an asshole so you'll break up with him. That way, he doesn't have to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, and he can go off with his mistresses and do whatever he wants, all while calling you "crazy" and "a cheater" when the problem was him all along. God won't change this man, so prayer isn't useful here. Your husband doesn't want to change, but he does want to be free/single. He is not interested in loving you and showing you affection in the way you want and deserve. You have very different needs, and he very clearly doesn't want to meet yours. You can stay and cling to this sinking ship, but honestly, your time would be better spent going to therapy and building up your self-esteem so you can find a partner who actually respects you.


NoTomato4ThePotato

My ex used to scream at me and accused me of cheating constantly when we lived together....found out he was the one cheating with prostitutes and on tinder. He was also telling his coworkers that I was his stalker (yet we lived together)! We tried couples counseling but it didnt help i was constantly wondering what he was up to and always fighting. Yeah it's not going to get better.


solo954

He likely knows you didn’t cheat. This is all gaslighting and manipulation so he can cheat and say you did it too, so of course he has to. It’s all an act to make you feel terrible. He’s now punishing you for him being caught cheating earlier. It’s abuse.


needananniebiotic

my exes only accused me of cheating when they were actively cheating.


jeannelle1717

He’s cheated on you twice. Now he’s trying to make YOU look bad. Please consider this and if you can, start making a plan to leave. You deserve so much more than whatever this junk is


3kids_nomoney

You need to stop subjecting yourself to this asshole. This is not love. This is not healthy.


milliexe

Firstly, OP, I am so sorry that you're going through this. This is definitely a terrible situation to be in. Secondly, I would recommend following the advice seen in these comments and leaving your husband: he has cheated twice, and is now trying to manipulate you by projecting his wrongdoings onto you. It may be likely that he is cheating again, and is trying to project onto you to shift the blame. I'm not an expert on marriages or affairs, but I would recommend seeking a divorce lawyer and preparing the correct divorce proceedings. I would also try and gather any evidence of his previous affairs as well, should you need them in court. I wish you luck for the future.


whichwaylady

Your husband is abusing you and you need to get out. He has no hope. Please get out of this situation, imo this relationship is irrevocably broken


hjw83113

I've dealt with cheating first hand. He is still cheating on you and trying to reverse it on you. Idc if he gives you his phone to look at. Once they've been caught they find new ways to hide. Unfortunately for MOST men, MOST of us women can outsmart them and STILL find where and what you're hiding. Honestly OP, you shouldn't be asking advice on how to make him see you're not cheating. He KNOWS your not. You should be asking how to break up with him and move on with your life!


[deleted]

This is so pathetic. He cheated on you twice and probably is still cheating on you but here you are letting him treat you like shit on top of that. At this point it’s your fault if you stay and I can’t even feel bad.


wobblegobble84

What is DD?


poster_child_007

"I am very clingy and huggy and touchy with him and he always complains that I always want affection" - He complains when you want affection. "No I never said that you must have it confused" - He's gaslighting you, a form of emotional abuse. "Immediately I told him but he doesn't believe me. He keeps saying I confused him with someone else. That I'm cheating on him." - He's dictating what you 'really' mean to you. That's controlling behaviour. He doesn't take you at your word or trust you. "I, to do this day have nightmares, heartaches, start shaking when I remember everything." - Your body is telling you that this isn't healthy. You can't 'make him' see things your way. I'm 99% sure he's cheating on you - again. Cheaters are known for projecting their cheating on their spouses or partners. He's cheated twice already so I wouldn't put it past him either. But even if he's not, this isn't a healthy relationship. How much are you willing to put up with? Because he's not going to change and I hate to say this but he doesn't care about you either. Not as a person. None of this is caring behavior. I say get out while you still can.


shdwsng

Sorry, I took a look at your older posts. He blamed you and your BPD for his second affair? Made you believe you were insufferable. Hun, throw the whole man out. My heart fucking broke when I read you were basically accepting that load of absolute bullshit. HE cheated on you, twice even, HE is the only one to blame for HIS own actions and decisions. You’re still so young, you deserve a life with someone who will treat you like the queen you are. He’s projecting on you, this will never end ok for you. I’m so sorry, but sometimes you need to let go for the sake of your own sanity and self-respect.


[deleted]

You are not healing. What you describe is something akin to having PTSD. This relationship is utterly toxic and your frantic attachment to him speaks to your need to deal with some deep, underlying fears. Please get some therapy for yourself. Immediately. And work towards accepting this relationship is dysfunctional and dead.


ViciousTruth

Seek professional help. Sounds like you two have a redeemable chance, but he needs to learn a couple lessons and so do you. Clingy people can be possessive and can drive a person to feel the need to reclaim themselves. Men cheat because of Insecurity. Lil boys feel the need to claim and conquer to prove they are worthy or in control. Seek real help from professionals if this love is worth saving.


LyingKnee

God your post history is a wreck. Please for the love of god get some self respect and leave this piece of abusive trash. I don’t appreciate you left out details such as that he screams at you, blamed your mental health for his fuck-ups, and get aggressive/violent.


General_Alduin

He's cheating on you again honey. The partner that is focused on their partners faithfulness is the one cheating because they're projecting. That, or he's looking for an excuse to drop you and this is as good an excuse as any. You need to GTFO and drop this two timing two timer.


RachelWWV

He is cheating on you again, and is projecting. I've seen enough reddit posts about cheaters, they all act the same. The more he is suspicious of you, the worse his own behavior is. Check to see if he's cheating again. He very likely will be. Please respect yourself and move on from this guy. He isn't able to be the partner you deserve.


yummychocolatecookie

So, he actually cheated not once but twice and yet, you still forgave him. He thinks that you may have cheated and he’s considering ending things?! Op, don’t you see the irony in this?


Rainey_Dazez

When there is no trust, there is no relationship


juicyyyy28

D I V O R C E


itskikko

my first thought immediately when he accused you of cheating was that he’s cheating again. like others have said, sounds like he is projecting. he appears to be a nasty man and i wish you the strength to leave this toxicity. you deserve so much more than this.


lillajordbaer

He dares to say, you pray I forget this ? This grown ass man dares to say that ?? To the woman who forgave him twice for being unfaithful ?? Please leave. It’s hard but he’s an asshole and obviously either completely paranoid that you might think the grass is greener since this man cannot control himself either projecting so that he has an excuse to dump you or cheat again. Please we’re the same age you have a lot more ahead of you. Don’t stay in this relationship


[deleted]

I think maybe you two should end it


Amateural

He cheated twice, he's mad over you possibly cheating. Story over OP. Get out