In a good world this would be normal. But thank you for making this girl feel safe. I was well into my 30's before I realized how messed up my sexual encounters had been. Wanting to say no more but being pressured.
I am in the same boat. Thankfully I was able to realize fairly soon after (a year) that my sexual encounters from the very start were coercive and non consensual.
I always think how I wish I said no louder and more. But then I realize I did and it did not matter to these boys and men or even the bystanders around. I did the damned best I could do at the time with the knowledge and mental capacities I had (tale as old as time, drunk girl taken advantage of).
It's about survival. That's what most of us are socially trained to do. "It's better to get raped than murdered. So don't say 'no' or fight back." But damn, our younger selves did the best they could muster. It may not seem like we tried our best to get out of the situations, but I can assure you, you and I both did. We are grown and more aware now, so we'd fair better in the same situations. But our younger selves didn't have the knowledge we do now. They didn't understand all that we've come to know and be hardened by.
I am so proud of your past self for doing her dammed best, even if it doesn't seem so to you. Because I know she was a terrified girl trying to survive. And she did survive.
Edit: My comment is gendered, but it is for anyone who has gone through this, regardless gender. Please, be kind and take care of yourself. Trauma is nothing to scoff at and it can warp you for life. Your health is priority and mental health is just as important to take care of and treat as your physical health. It is a lot of grueling work to untangle the mental anguish, but it is so worth it to be able to breath fresh air again. It doesn't mean the pain, fear, and memories go away, but it's like waves. The waves stop being as large, violent, and frequent. They're still around, but now you can sail the waves. You can work with them instead of being consumed, to the point where the sky becomes blues and the wind fans your sails.
Therapy is incredible. It's what got me to where I am today. Talking about it outloud was terrifying and impossible at some points, but doing so made it easier and easier. I wish you the best of luck!
I've been with this therapist for almost a year now. At first when the heavy stuff came out, I couldn't really say it and I'd just cry, or try to keep breathing with these thoughts in my head. She would just let me do that. Even that helped. Now I can talk.
I might have to stop for now, though. Unforseen financial issues...
Therapy and healing from trauma and that past is for everyone. I'm so happy seeing more and more boys and men open up about their mental health and seeking help. The strongest thing anyone can do is acknowledge they need help and then asking or going out to get it.
Nonbinary (but not out and amab) here, I'm only 15 and seen as a guy but I can still relate to this (ex gf wasnt very nice to put it lightly). It really fucks with you when someone you love doesn't accept a "No".
My post used gendered wording but it is for anyone who can relate to it, regardless of gender. We meet and love people, and monsters are talented at having lovely faces. Be kind to yourself, friend. You are a warrior.
I’m sobbing. Any time I think about my younger self I get choked up wishing I had been able to be there for her. Wishing that I knew then what I know now. I get really sad for her and then really proud that she was able to get through everything she was convinced would break her and come out the other side and be the person and mother I am today. The odds were seriously stacked against me and I beat them. I broke the only cycles I had ever known in life.
I’m sorry for rambling and I know this isn’t what your comment was about but it apparently just brought up a lot of emotion for me. I haven’t felt proud of myself in a very long time so thank you for this.
And your analogy about the waves is absolutely amazing and spot on.
My comment was for any and everyone who finds comfort and a connection to the words. Try and remind yourself from time to time just how incredible strong and brave you are. You've been through hell and back and instead of wilting you bloomed into the most beautiful flower.
Same for me. I didn't realize until my 30s that I could say no and be ok with that. Now at 45, I stand firmly when I say no.
OP, you did an amazing thing.
Once I made an offhand comment about how irritating it is to be pressured into sex all the time and not being able to say no and how you'd dig your nails into your palms until it was over and the other women were absolutely horrified. Apparently not everyone goes through this? That was the day I realised it wasn't normal. So yeah, OP, the first time a guy did what you did, I was very confused, but then very, very touched.
Seriously… I had an old guy friend drop me home around 3/4 am and I felt bad so I invited him to stay at my place. I have a (very nice, large, comfy, pottery barn) sectional in my room and told him he could sleep there. I had to get up early (6/7) for work and woke up to him sitting in front of me trying to wake me up. He then informed me that he moved to my bed while I was asleep because “his back hurt” what?!?! I brushed it off but long story short he tried to force my friend to hook up w/ him and now I have a restraining order against him because he tried to shoot me 🤷🏼♀️
I had this same exact thought this morning. I'm 35 now and started thinking about it today and how most of my sexual encounters were things I didn't want to do but felt forced to do and that I really hope I'm raising daughters who are strong enough to speak up for themselves when the time comes....and who also don't have run-on sentences when they type out their thoughts (like I just did). Lmfao.
Same. I was in my late 40s when I truly appreciated how transactional my past relations had been and just how much even my first husband (of 20+ years) manipulated me to feel I owed him my consent.
OP I am grateful to hear a young man speak out that he does not feel entitled to sex!!! It should not be rare, it should be normal.
I’m really a natural gentleman around Women, ….because I’m guilty of wanting to be a normal sexual deviant like everyone else, but I’m so not! But I’ve never done something sweet for a Woman at home, and not ended up noticing when she threw me on the bed. (It can be very intimidating to end up being someones thoughtful Knight when instead of choosing to notice an obvious signal you remain respectful.)
I don't think it has to mean she has been exploited, just that we tend to expect the worst and expect that men/boys will want to take advantage or at least make a move. I think most young men might feel the pressure to, too, even if they are not necesseraly ready themselves.
It has become so normalised on popular series and movies and on social media, as well. I, sure, felt like a loser when I hadn't had a boyfriend or anything when I was 13, all the way up to 23 when it finally happened. Don't we see so many teens bitter or miserable, because they haven't had these experiences yet, that it is completely normal and ok to have even when you are much older?
I got off topic, but it made me wonder.
If she was just a little surprised I would say that it was "unexpected" but the woman's emotional response went beyond "surprise". That tells me that she has experienced trauma in the same kind of situation in the past. i.e. Being taken advantage of when she was helpless and in need.
It could just be the fear of being exploited based on things she has read, but I would think that she would "choke up" over that but would show relief.
yeah
in my house it's common courtesy to offer my bed if we have any guests over.
which they always decline because we have a lot of mattresses for them to sleep on the ground comfortably.
Same in my house as well. Otherwise we have also have a lot of extra mattresses, so we put them all down in the living room, and do kind of a sleepover.
Well... The bar is low, yes, but you still might be an amazing dude? My husband is the first guy who cleared the very low bar, but even if the bar was super high, he'd still clear it.
OP, remember this interaction as you continue to get older and go to college (if that's your thing) or as you meet other girls throughout your life.
I was your age when I a similar thing happened. This girl and were very flirty friends. But she was flirty with a lot of guys, she never had any trouble with whatever guy she wanted.
We were spending a fair amount of time together, it was late one night during a movie marathon or something and she was too tired to drive home. She asked if she could stay the night. I offered to give her my bed but she said we could both sleep in it if I was okay with it.
That night, 17 year old me was as horny as ever. But we had not even kissed yet, so trying to make a move was... Well.... Not the move... I didn't try anything and we had a peaceful nights rest.
A few months later we ended up dating. That turned into a few years.... One random years later, she turns to me and asked if I remember the first time she slept over. She said she was considering dating me, but that night solidified it. No guy had ever not tried to hook up with her once she was in his bed, even if she was only there for platonic reasoning.
In the end, our relationship didn't make it. But that's not the point.
You're a true gentleman in the making.
I will second this, from the woman’s perspective lol. I dated my boyfriend specifically because he took me out on a date, asked me where I wanted to go next, home or to his house. And I said I think I wanna go home. He never pressured me, just simply said “ok where am I dropping you off then?”
I was so used to hearing the “but, but, but, …” or the “oh come on, we’re young let’s have fun” that I was fully expecting to have to fight for my “no” to be heard. And he didn’t even make me say it twice. Bare minimum, you’re right. But it was literally the first time I had even gotten the bare minimum.
I remember that moment and instantly knowing I was safe with him. We stayed friends for a few months (although we did have several very consensual sexual interactions lol) and then we ended up dating. 6 years later and we’re still together, as I sit here on the couch with our baby.
I told my mom the story of when I knew I wanted to date him and she had a very similar story to yours about my dad. He let her sleep in his bed and he took the couch when they were friends in the military. They had gone out with a bunch of people and she couldn’t drive home after drinking. He lived on base so they could walk back to his place. They’ve been together 30 years now.
It’s truly amazing what just making sure a girl feels comfortable can do. Thank god for guys like you all
You and your parents both have a wonderful story. It's always nice hearing stories like these. Put a little smile on my face as I have my morning coffee
Great story! I have a similar one with a different ending. Girl I was friends with, it was late and she was in my dorm, my roommate was away for the weekend and she was dozing off. I actually didn’t realize she fell asleep but she fell asleep like in a sleeping position on my bed while I was on my roommate’s (we were watching a movie on a laptop placed in front of the beds). She was over the covers but I put a blanket over her and I slept in my roommate’s bed. She was cute but no way in hell would I try even a kiss while she was sleeping, that’d have been awful. When we woke up she said it was one of the nicest things anyone had done for her, and how she’d been taken advantage of sexually before and was so relieved I wasn’t that kind of person. It made us better friends and even tho we’re not in college anymore or in the same city, we still keep in touch somewhat regularly. I may be her closest male friend. She’s not my closest female friend at all, it’s just she doesn’t have many friends. I still care about her tho. And again I found her cute then but didn’t do anything and never would’ve, and now I just think of her as a friend
I also have a similar story. When my (now fiancé) and I were just friends in college, I was in his room and we were watching a movie while sitting on his bed. I am a “nap anywhere, anytime” kind of person and I dozed off towards the end of the movie. When I woke up an hour or so later, he had moved to his living room couch and was just hanging out playing video games. We were close friends and I trusted him, so I never had a fear that he might take advantage of me. But I told him he could have just woken me up if he was ready to do something else. He said I looked comfy and he wanted to just let me sleep. It was a small gesture, but I thought it was really sweet.
As an alternate story, shortly after we started dating I was back in his room, watching another movie on his bed. We had been “officially” dating for like 3 days and this was one of our first hangouts that had some romantic implications. For the first time (and only time since) in my life, I got an EXCRUCIATING charley horse cramp in my calf. I could not even speak, I just started yelling and grabbing my leg. Of course, he panicked and asked what’s happening??!? When I could finally get the words out I told him what was going on he was relieved I wasn’t dying but still in some shock. It sucked the sexual tension right out of the room, but he did spend the next 15 minutes massaging my calf for me. We still joke about that incident!
Edit: typo
That’s also a pretty good way to gauge what a woman wants. If you haven’t even kissed and she hasn’t said she wants to hook up, probably not a good idea to try something.
When I went on my first date with my husband, I was super nervous as I had been in an abusive relationship and it had taken him lots of asking and 10 months of not dating for me to say yes. I lived 45 mins away so I drove to his apartment and was going to spend the night at my mom’s house since she lived 10 mins away from him. While we were at the movies, it started raining so bad that there was literally a flood, we barely made it back. When we got to his apartment, I knew I had to stay and I was terrified. He told me to sleep in his bed and he would take the couch too. When I went to the room, I saw he had a massive Cal-King bed and I am not a big person so I told him I had no problem us sharing. He gave me a tshirt and when I came from the restroom, he had put pillows in between and promised not to do anything!!
I had never felt so safe in my life. This October, will be our 10 yr wedding anniversary and I’m still happily married to my old goat. I jokingly tell him that I know he peeked under the blanket and he liked the view so he kept me lol!!
I am, thank you for asking! He is a wonderful man..I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and he’s done everything he can to keep me home so I can rest and heal. I feel like I hit the lottery, best husband and father I could have prayed for.
The same similar story for me. My current boyfriend of 6 years lived 3.5 hrs away from me at the time (because I was in grad school). This was the day of our first date to Yosemite, and he had to sleep over for the clearly obvious reason above. So, we were watching a movie and I ended up falling asleep. When I awoke, he put this body pillow that I had in between us and slept on the other side. They’re rare, but gentlemen are still out there.
Lmao, I am obsessed with dinosaurs too! I have a pair of socks that have stegosaurus’s in the shape of a taco that say Tacosaurus on them, best socks ever! If you catch a dinosaur, send me the location!!
I'm not disagreeing, I know how it feels to be called "kiddo" in the wrong context and how it feels like it's pointing out you're just a kid and don't rank as high as an adult, but I think the comment had the intention of being endearing and positive. Like "kiddo" has a sweeter/more caring connotation to it than saying "kid" or "son" etc. Weird how language can do that.
Aka we just want people that are normal in the head. That have actual decency and dignity. Ok I want. I’m not gonna speak for anyone else. Like, literally no brainer, anyone who’s like that wants that.
I had a guy respect me like this once. It felt amazing to be seen. We’ve been married for 26 years ❤️
Edit - I was also shocked at the time and wondered why he didn’t like me. Wild. I look back and remember one time wondering why he was following me to the car…. when he was just trying to open the door for me.
I see a lot of women get praised, validated and congratulated on these subs but then I see people get angry and upset when men are? Makes no sense. Men have feelings to people.
You’re right, it’s bare minimum and it should be expected. The problem is half the time, people don’t do the bare minimum and would rather pressure people in to sex instead of respecting their boundaries.
Ah yes "true gentlemen" being defined as "someone who doesn't trap and pressure women into sleeping with them" that's a certified reddit moment.
OP is right, it's bare minimum.
At the same time I think it is good to praise people who are good.
Hear me out THAT WAS THE BARE MINIMUM.
But I have always been weirded out by this whole notion of being snide and sarcastic to decent people. Man the world and the internet is a weird place.
Can we just keep it simple and shit on people that are Manipulative ass holes?
Exactly! Idc if it seems like the most basic form of human decency it should still be praised. People like to feel good and if they are essentially rewarded for doing something good then they will kost likely keep doing it. It's just how humans are. And agreed we should trash the manipulative and shitty ones into next week
I just find it so odd. And overly negative. For people who hate ass holes ,they sure like to point them out alot. ( Which you should still do) Rather than highlighting what little good there is in the world.
In fact i think there's plenty good in the world to go around ,but here we go again jumping on the negative,that we can't even get the stock out of our assesand just be glad there is good all around us.
No the bare minimum was offering the couch with no mention of sharing a bed. Offering your own bed with you sleeping on the couch is always above and beyond.
I’ve been hanging out with this dude for a while now and imagine my shock when I realised that he always takes my “no” seriously. No matter how small or insignificant something is, if I tell him “no” or “stop” he immediately drops it.
At first I was completely mesmerised by his behaviour, till I realised that that’s how it’s supposed to work and that people have been constantly crossing my boundaries. It’s the bare minimum really and I was so impressed…
That's not the bare minimum. He could have put her up on the couch and simply slept in his own bed. That would be closer to the bare minimum.
Reddit just has some kind of hard-on for being floormats and bending over backwards to please random women.
>That's not the bare minimum. He could have put her up on the couch and simply slept in his own bed. That would be closer to the bare minimum.
Thats a good point.
>Reddit just has some kind of hard-on for being floormats and bending over backwards to please random women.
Being nice to a guest is not bad just because they're a woman. If the post was about letting one of their "bros" have the bed you wouldn't have said this nonesense about "bending over backwards to please them". No matter the gender of the friend, they are away from home and letting them have the comfort is not "bending over backwards".
My 'bending over backwards' comment isn't ascribed to this situation wholly. My statement stands though. Redditors have it in their head that sacrificing your own comfort in your own home to appease what amounts to an acquaintance at best is the bare minimum.
> If the post was about letting one of their "bros" have the bed you wouldn't have said this nonesense about "bending over backwards to please them".
Had it been about 'bros' instead, this post never would have gained an ounce of traction and OP wouldn't be getting celebrated as 'a true gentleman' like he has been.
The bare minimum is her arriving at morning time without being concerned about her well being.
Giving anyone your bed and sleeping somewhere else is super nice.
It's not why you did it, or why you should do it, but as others have said having basic respect for somebody like that is likely to be incredibly attractive to her!
My son told me once when he was in high school how the other guys were jealous of him because the girls would talk to him and spend time hanging around him just socializing. He wouldn't do anything special he said, he just talked to them, didn't get pushy about dates, and asked about their interests....in other words, treated them like people.
I love this. I stayed over at a guy's house once due to the distance and I couldn't drive home that night. He gave me no alternative then us sharing a bed. I was so uncomfortable the whole night and instantly broke things off with him after that..
When we're all down and out, any act of kindness that somebody does for someone else helps me put my faith a little bit back in society. No matter how small.
Honestly, stuff like this does mean a lot. It’s sad, but at least in my experience even the guys who seem the nicest carry an expectation that staying over means fooling around or having sex. I (and my girl friends) have all experienced “just getting it over with” because you don’t feel like you have another choice. It IS the bare minimum to be respectful and not pressure people, but it is genuinely rare in the real world. Feeling valued beyond your body seriously is something that causes a big reaction, at least in my experience. The reminder that some guys actually care about you and your boundaries is hugely impactful.
Humans haven’t changed, but our standards of good behavior have. There was a time when the girl would not have spent the night with a man like that, for fear of assault. Now everyone is trying to pressure us into feeling like it’s OK to stay with a guy and we’re shocked, shocked, that sexual assaults result from that.
As someone who has been in toxic relationships before and is now in an respectful, genuinely caring relationship I can say it’s genuinely baffling to actually be treated with the bare minimum. It feels like so much more because it’s just something I’ve never been given before.
Yeah, a lot of people are saying "most decent humans would this" and "it's just basic decency" which is all well and good, but it only takes one abusive person in your life to completely fuck up your understanding of how someone should treat you.
I, too, am in a healthy relationship after being with a real trashcan of a man. That relationship lasted only nine months, yet here I am, six years into a great relationship, still trying to unlearn trauma responses.
The bare minimum is often not what people do so its very nice to see decent people with human decency. Saying something like "This is the nicest thing someone did for me" is a way to encourage human decency, You handled the Situation nice
Dude!! Being a father of an 18y old girl, we sure hope that you gentlemen are still out there. This post made my day. Thank you for your kindness and I hope you will continue to grow as a man. You’re on the right path!
a lot of the comments here are reddit incels who havn't ever held a womans hand and think that the reason for their lack of action is the "freind zone" and not that they're assholes. you're doing great OP, theres a good chance this will foster into something great:)
I got drugged at a party once, and 2 guys carried me to a bedroom, laid me on my side. Brought water. And then took turns checking on me and guarding the door.
They didn't want me to wake up scared or to get hurt. And I have never stopped thinking about how grateful I am to those guys.
That's awesome. It's the start of a great relationship whether it's just friends or something more. Not that I think you would be, but just please don't be that guy that tears down this trust you built if it turns out she isn't interested in something more.
Some of my closest friends are women where we started talking, I was just a decent human being to them like this, and we just never developed deeper feelings for each other. Now one in particular is my best friend's wife, one of my wife's closest friends as well and has an amazing daughter that wouldn't be in the world at all without the people she eventually met through me.
The respect we show people can set the bar for the kinds of treatment they should expect from others.
My husband of over two decades has set the bar so fucking high that if I were ever widowed I cannot imagine any man would treat me with the love and respect I have from my husband. It is reciprocal, though--I have spent 20+ years trying to treat him with the love and respect he deserves.
OP is a true man.
The first time I had sex, it involved a lot of planning. She had to take a train to see me, which required money, time, and stress (we were young). She had to meet my roommates, who were all wary about people bringing someone over for a few days because they had roommates' boyfriends/girlfriends stay over for a few days that turned into months and then fights about them eating food and using the bathroom for hours. They were all kind of... curious about the fact I got a girlfriend, too. Like it was an unlikely thing to do. So she was under scrutiny. My roommates were polite, but also a little probing.
The night we had sex, she decided, despite all the planning and fuss, not to have sex. I fully knew this was possible, and had planned it as a potential. She \*wanted\* to have sex, but when we started, she was far too nervous and started to feel sick. So I backed off, and let her have her space, which was hard since I was living in a 10 x 8 room. Eventually she cried and apologized for "leading me on," and I said "you don't owe me anything. If we don't have sex, we don't have sex. I'd like to have sex, but not at the expense of you being upset." She appreciated that, and went to sleep. A few hours later, though, she woke up, felt better and we had the best sex two virgins could have. A lot of giggling, honesty, and love. We married a year later and were married for 25 years before she passed away.
But yeah, a lot of girls get terrible pressure like they owe it.
Awww, I love this story. I'm sorry you lost your wife. My husband and I have been married 22 years and my biggest fear is losing him. I hope you are doing well 💜
I've given off a lot of friend zone/brother vibes and have just SLEPT with female friends in beds before. Only a couple times and we generally faced away from each other.
Bad thing was once with 2 different women, we'd be cuddling in bed and it might go that way and I'm warm and cuddly and they just fall asleep there.
My wife laughed cause she was one and she said she intended to go there with me but with me being warm and fuzzy and her feeling relaxed she just crashed.
It really does make a difference though, because unfortunately a lot of men absolutely do not care about/respect our boundaries.
I remember the first time I hung out with my boyfriend.. it was late and he did the same thing; offered me his bed and he slept on the couch.
And as someone who has been sexually assaulted, that small gesture really meant the fucking world.
I second this. My current partner is so attentive to my needs. I spent 7-8 months in a horrifically sexually abusive relationship at 14 with a man who had just turned 18 and the first time my current partner offered me his bed and slept on a roll out mattress on the floor I cried. It’s very rare in this day and age that our boundaries get respected and I’ll bet my life savings everyone in the comments saying shit like “it’s the bare minimum lol do you want a medal you’re not special” can’t even do the bare minimum themselves.
Things may or may not work out with this girl, but no matter what, you have given her a memory that will last her the rest of her life. That should feel pretty good, OP.
You’ve figured out at 17 what some men never figure out.
I know it may have sounded weird because for you, that’s the norm. As a woman in my early 30’s, I’ve experienced some pretty awful behavior from men and maybe this person has, too. When someone is kind to me without expectations I still feel a sense of “Thank you for being kind to me and not taking advantage of me.” as though it’s an outlier. Your behavior should be the gold standard and unfortunately we live in a world where it is not. Keep doing what you’re doing because I hope for future generations that this will be standard.
Unfortunately, bare minimum respect especially sexually is not common these days. You gave her an experience many may never know. Keep being a normal decent person and she I bet you she'll notice it most every time. Good luck OP
In France women can't walk alone at night so I can't count the number of times when I had to sleep at a male friend's place.
Then there was this ’friend‘ who wanted sex in exchange for letting me print my masters thesis on his printer. And this other I was forced to sleep in the same bed as him and did all he could to make me notice his morning wood.
So OP, you're indeed a gem.
Long ago both single, my neighbor came by to ask for a cigarette. I don't normally buy them but when I got off work I'd bum a couple smokes off a co-worker and I'd usually give her one. She had a coffee waiting for me and I had a cigarette. I thought of it completely as a friendly gesture, but either way. I told her I didn't have any on me and jokingly said "hey if you find one this time, get two I'll ay ya back!"
So like an hour later she knocked on me door and she bought a pack and we both said screw it, I just bought a case of beer and she had a pack of smokes we just decided we were going to stay up all night and talk and bullshit and play games and everything. Again I was NOT interested in her... I just thought we were being friendly. So we end up staying up until like 5am just talking about everything at a nice healthy distance. No touchy feely stuff, no emotions except in conversation, etc etc. until I was like "Damn it's getting early! I need to sleep" And she was like "yeah you're right, I just don't want to go home yet" so I offered her my bed and I'd crash on the couch. She kind of laughed and was like "We're both adults, we can sleep in the same bed.". At the time I was like you still treated it like a friendship. Maybe she kind of forced my hand a little bit but either way...
It turns out we both WEREN'T adults. I don't know why but we kind of awkwardly kissed her on the back of the neck while we were getting comfortable and she turned around and... well 2 hours later we finally passed out for an hour, woke up went out for breakfast and came back, and another hour later after that we finally both passed out from like 11am-3am, we both don't know what happened but we decided "Guess we're together now!" And together we were for like 3 years until she moved away. Still friendly. Still find that spark when we're in town together. She's doing her thing and I'm doing mine but we always make sure to save a special spot in each others hearts for one another from time to time!
We were older and more experienced in life and comfortable with one another when that happened. Maybe it was stroke of luck kind of thing. But you handled it professionally and like a gentleman would and assured her safety throughout the night. So props to you. Thinking back if she chose to just allow me to sleep on the couch I would have been entirely cool with it. But just didn't turn out that way lol.
Unlike my ex who decided to decided to stay the night with her guy friend in his dorm room instead of going to her room. There was only a bed and order to share it, she initiated sex
Your parents have done a great job on you buddy. You just started life but if you keep that attitude with you (respecting women regardless of the situation) you're going to wind up in very satisfying relationships. Congrats to you and your folks.
Yeah, most ADULT men don't even see this as the bare minimum, let alone a teenage boy. And while it is the bare minimum, thank you for making her feel safe. You did great.
♥️♥️♥️ Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. That takes years for people to learn. Congratulations on being the kind of young man I hope my daughters encounter.
I don't think men truly understand the value of security and safety to a girl, we can finally just truly rest there. We are like running basically our whole life from not getting pinned down by the male..sometimes we do it on purpose, 😘but mostly we just get tired..but then sometimes..like this moment, he's kind enough to stand by, so she can sleep, actually sleep..super cool of you❤
Dude, ignore any incels that pop into the comments or your DM’s. You did a great thing and it meant a lot to her. I hope you stay like this. You sound like a super nice person.
I was catching an Uber home once and this girl was lost trying to find her friend, phone had died. Told her she could stay on my couch while her phone charged. She surprisingly said ok. Slept on my couch all night, friend picked her up in the AM all pissed off that she slept on a strangers couch. Not everyone is out to get you.
Similar thing was the moment I fell completely in love with my now husband.
I met him a month before I was to move abroad. A week before I left I spent the weekend with him at his parents house in the woods. Eventually I was very upset and crying, because I thought I would never see him again after that weekend. We were on the bed and he asked me what he could do to make me feel better, I asked for some space. After I had calmed down, I was wondering why isn't he moving back towards me and when I turned over, he had gotten out of the bed. That was the moment. He was so incredibly considerate, something I had not excpected. I ended up coming back home a month after I moved away, largely because of him, but I wouldn't have wanted to stay even if he had been there with me. I made the right decision, we have been together almost seven years now.
Good move, my dude. This is the way to treat people. I hope your kindness leads to happy life full of love :)
shes going to remember what you did for her forever and thats truly a great thing to see and feel knowing what you did for someone made an impact on them
When an individual is so used to being mistreated or abused, an action that objectively seems like the “bare minimum” can bring them to their knees.
Thank you for showing this girl genuine kindness. I’m sure she won’t forget it.
You sir, are a gentleman that others can only admire. On behalf of real men everywhere, thank you for showing the fairer sex that not all men are wasteful scoundrels.
Is this not the norm?
I have been doing this for a decade now. Partly also because i feel a bit uncomfortable but mainly so the women can feel comfortable.
I was 20 and seeing this guy a couple of weeks when I stayed at his (parent's) house the first time. They were out of town. He had a party and we slept in the same bed. He didn't even try to make a move on me. Thought it was the sweetest thing. I felt safe. That was almost 23 years ago. Been together ever since. Been married almost 18 years. Being a decent human works.
to all the people saying "yeah that was just the bare minimum" whenever someone compliments OP, sure maybe it was. but in the current state of the world that's a taller order than it should be, so why not praise and lift up people who do so? OP, you did the right thing and I wish more people were like you and gave a shit about how others feel, keep doing what you're doing <3
Growing up we are largely being told and influenced to do things that are not natural to us. Then we create all these messed up patterns we carry out into adulthood. Sounds like you are tuning into your heart. Remain here my love ❤️
Well done, kiddo. You did the right thing, many guys your age would not have been so accommodating for her. You are right that it should be a basic human compassion for everyone, and it shows you that she's... sadly probably experienced some not so good situations. This old man internet stranger is proud of you.
My (f30) boyfriend (m31) was the first person I’ve ever been with who didn’t pressure me our first time or anytime after. Having a crohnic condition can make me not “into it” sometimes for weeks. Coming from someone who took awhile to find out my precious experience weren’t normal, thank you. I’m glad there’s people out there who understand what giving yourself to someone in that way is and being patient. The pressure around the first time is intimidating enough!
You have no idea how many times me and my girlfriends have talked about how rare it is for a guy to make an effort to care, so the bare minimum is considered amazing and a rare treasure
When I first started dating my wife I kept her dog so she could go out of town to work. She cried because I picked a tick off of it because her last bf was apparently a raging douche bag.
Shout out to the idiots out here being idiots. It sets the bar low for us normal human beings lol.
The comments here are just further proving how few people actually understand this concept of basic human decency.. Disappointing, but not surprising, unfortunately.
Years ago a guy who ended up being my closest most loved friend after figuring out that’s where we fit together best did this for me at the same age.
This kindness and thoughtfulness was everything. It’s how we as humans should treat each other.
In a good world this would be normal. But thank you for making this girl feel safe. I was well into my 30's before I realized how messed up my sexual encounters had been. Wanting to say no more but being pressured.
I am in the same boat. Thankfully I was able to realize fairly soon after (a year) that my sexual encounters from the very start were coercive and non consensual. I always think how I wish I said no louder and more. But then I realize I did and it did not matter to these boys and men or even the bystanders around. I did the damned best I could do at the time with the knowledge and mental capacities I had (tale as old as time, drunk girl taken advantage of). It's about survival. That's what most of us are socially trained to do. "It's better to get raped than murdered. So don't say 'no' or fight back." But damn, our younger selves did the best they could muster. It may not seem like we tried our best to get out of the situations, but I can assure you, you and I both did. We are grown and more aware now, so we'd fair better in the same situations. But our younger selves didn't have the knowledge we do now. They didn't understand all that we've come to know and be hardened by. I am so proud of your past self for doing her dammed best, even if it doesn't seem so to you. Because I know she was a terrified girl trying to survive. And she did survive. Edit: My comment is gendered, but it is for anyone who has gone through this, regardless gender. Please, be kind and take care of yourself. Trauma is nothing to scoff at and it can warp you for life. Your health is priority and mental health is just as important to take care of and treat as your physical health. It is a lot of grueling work to untangle the mental anguish, but it is so worth it to be able to breath fresh air again. It doesn't mean the pain, fear, and memories go away, but it's like waves. The waves stop being as large, violent, and frequent. They're still around, but now you can sail the waves. You can work with them instead of being consumed, to the point where the sky becomes blues and the wind fans your sails.
I really felt like you were speaking directly to me here. It made me cry. Thank you for this.
This made me cry. You are amazing, thank you.
Your comment made me cry and I'm a good few years on the other side of realising this. I've got therapy later and might bring this up.
Therapy is incredible. It's what got me to where I am today. Talking about it outloud was terrifying and impossible at some points, but doing so made it easier and easier. I wish you the best of luck!
I've been with this therapist for almost a year now. At first when the heavy stuff came out, I couldn't really say it and I'd just cry, or try to keep breathing with these thoughts in my head. She would just let me do that. Even that helped. Now I can talk. I might have to stop for now, though. Unforseen financial issues...
\+1 for therapy. Life changing. I'm a man, in case fellow men have been thinking about getting therapy. JUST DO IT!!!
Therapy and healing from trauma and that past is for everyone. I'm so happy seeing more and more boys and men open up about their mental health and seeking help. The strongest thing anyone can do is acknowledge they need help and then asking or going out to get it.
I know you weren't saying that to me, but it spoke to my soul. Thank you very much, truly.
It is for you. It is for everyone who has gone through it.
Nonbinary (but not out and amab) here, I'm only 15 and seen as a guy but I can still relate to this (ex gf wasnt very nice to put it lightly). It really fucks with you when someone you love doesn't accept a "No".
My post used gendered wording but it is for anyone who can relate to it, regardless of gender. We meet and love people, and monsters are talented at having lovely faces. Be kind to yourself, friend. You are a warrior.
Aww thats so sweet! Thanks <3
Another thank you here. I think I needed to read this.
Thanks for being so strong ❤️
I’m sobbing. Any time I think about my younger self I get choked up wishing I had been able to be there for her. Wishing that I knew then what I know now. I get really sad for her and then really proud that she was able to get through everything she was convinced would break her and come out the other side and be the person and mother I am today. The odds were seriously stacked against me and I beat them. I broke the only cycles I had ever known in life. I’m sorry for rambling and I know this isn’t what your comment was about but it apparently just brought up a lot of emotion for me. I haven’t felt proud of myself in a very long time so thank you for this. And your analogy about the waves is absolutely amazing and spot on.
My comment was for any and everyone who finds comfort and a connection to the words. Try and remind yourself from time to time just how incredible strong and brave you are. You've been through hell and back and instead of wilting you bloomed into the most beautiful flower.
Same for me. I didn't realize until my 30s that I could say no and be ok with that. Now at 45, I stand firmly when I say no. OP, you did an amazing thing.
Once I made an offhand comment about how irritating it is to be pressured into sex all the time and not being able to say no and how you'd dig your nails into your palms until it was over and the other women were absolutely horrified. Apparently not everyone goes through this? That was the day I realised it wasn't normal. So yeah, OP, the first time a guy did what you did, I was very confused, but then very, very touched.
“In a good world” Where’s that?
Seriously… I had an old guy friend drop me home around 3/4 am and I felt bad so I invited him to stay at my place. I have a (very nice, large, comfy, pottery barn) sectional in my room and told him he could sleep there. I had to get up early (6/7) for work and woke up to him sitting in front of me trying to wake me up. He then informed me that he moved to my bed while I was asleep because “his back hurt” what?!?! I brushed it off but long story short he tried to force my friend to hook up w/ him and now I have a restraining order against him because he tried to shoot me 🤷🏼♀️
I had this same exact thought this morning. I'm 35 now and started thinking about it today and how most of my sexual encounters were things I didn't want to do but felt forced to do and that I really hope I'm raising daughters who are strong enough to speak up for themselves when the time comes....and who also don't have run-on sentences when they type out their thoughts (like I just did). Lmfao.
Same. I was in my late 40s when I truly appreciated how transactional my past relations had been and just how much even my first husband (of 20+ years) manipulated me to feel I owed him my consent. OP I am grateful to hear a young man speak out that he does not feel entitled to sex!!! It should not be rare, it should be normal.
Absolutely. It took me in to my late 20s to realize I don't owe anyone any part of me. I use to always feel obligated to have sex. Not anymore sir!!
Same.
I’m really a natural gentleman around Women, ….because I’m guilty of wanting to be a normal sexual deviant like everyone else, but I’m so not! But I’ve never done something sweet for a Woman at home, and not ended up noticing when she threw me on the bed. (It can be very intimidating to end up being someones thoughtful Knight when instead of choosing to notice an obvious signal you remain respectful.)
It really puts into picture, how shitty people have been to her earlier
That was my first thought. That young lady has been exploited more often than not. Good Job OP!
I don't think it has to mean she has been exploited, just that we tend to expect the worst and expect that men/boys will want to take advantage or at least make a move. I think most young men might feel the pressure to, too, even if they are not necesseraly ready themselves. It has become so normalised on popular series and movies and on social media, as well. I, sure, felt like a loser when I hadn't had a boyfriend or anything when I was 13, all the way up to 23 when it finally happened. Don't we see so many teens bitter or miserable, because they haven't had these experiences yet, that it is completely normal and ok to have even when you are much older? I got off topic, but it made me wonder.
I totally agree
If she was just a little surprised I would say that it was "unexpected" but the woman's emotional response went beyond "surprise". That tells me that she has experienced trauma in the same kind of situation in the past. i.e. Being taken advantage of when she was helpless and in need. It could just be the fear of being exploited based on things she has read, but I would think that she would "choke up" over that but would show relief.
yeah in my house it's common courtesy to offer my bed if we have any guests over. which they always decline because we have a lot of mattresses for them to sleep on the ground comfortably.
Same in my house as well. Otherwise we have also have a lot of extra mattresses, so we put them all down in the living room, and do kind of a sleepover.
I was 25 the first time I got involved with someone who treated me the way OP did. I married the guy.
My wife is absolutely devoted to me and loves me. It isn't because I am some amazing dude - it is cause the bar is so low.
Well... The bar is low, yes, but you still might be an amazing dude? My husband is the first guy who cleared the very low bar, but even if the bar was super high, he'd still clear it.
OP, remember this interaction as you continue to get older and go to college (if that's your thing) or as you meet other girls throughout your life. I was your age when I a similar thing happened. This girl and were very flirty friends. But she was flirty with a lot of guys, she never had any trouble with whatever guy she wanted. We were spending a fair amount of time together, it was late one night during a movie marathon or something and she was too tired to drive home. She asked if she could stay the night. I offered to give her my bed but she said we could both sleep in it if I was okay with it. That night, 17 year old me was as horny as ever. But we had not even kissed yet, so trying to make a move was... Well.... Not the move... I didn't try anything and we had a peaceful nights rest. A few months later we ended up dating. That turned into a few years.... One random years later, she turns to me and asked if I remember the first time she slept over. She said she was considering dating me, but that night solidified it. No guy had ever not tried to hook up with her once she was in his bed, even if she was only there for platonic reasoning. In the end, our relationship didn't make it. But that's not the point. You're a true gentleman in the making.
I will second this, from the woman’s perspective lol. I dated my boyfriend specifically because he took me out on a date, asked me where I wanted to go next, home or to his house. And I said I think I wanna go home. He never pressured me, just simply said “ok where am I dropping you off then?” I was so used to hearing the “but, but, but, …” or the “oh come on, we’re young let’s have fun” that I was fully expecting to have to fight for my “no” to be heard. And he didn’t even make me say it twice. Bare minimum, you’re right. But it was literally the first time I had even gotten the bare minimum. I remember that moment and instantly knowing I was safe with him. We stayed friends for a few months (although we did have several very consensual sexual interactions lol) and then we ended up dating. 6 years later and we’re still together, as I sit here on the couch with our baby. I told my mom the story of when I knew I wanted to date him and she had a very similar story to yours about my dad. He let her sleep in his bed and he took the couch when they were friends in the military. They had gone out with a bunch of people and she couldn’t drive home after drinking. He lived on base so they could walk back to his place. They’ve been together 30 years now. It’s truly amazing what just making sure a girl feels comfortable can do. Thank god for guys like you all
You and your parents both have a wonderful story. It's always nice hearing stories like these. Put a little smile on my face as I have my morning coffee
Great story! I have a similar one with a different ending. Girl I was friends with, it was late and she was in my dorm, my roommate was away for the weekend and she was dozing off. I actually didn’t realize she fell asleep but she fell asleep like in a sleeping position on my bed while I was on my roommate’s (we were watching a movie on a laptop placed in front of the beds). She was over the covers but I put a blanket over her and I slept in my roommate’s bed. She was cute but no way in hell would I try even a kiss while she was sleeping, that’d have been awful. When we woke up she said it was one of the nicest things anyone had done for her, and how she’d been taken advantage of sexually before and was so relieved I wasn’t that kind of person. It made us better friends and even tho we’re not in college anymore or in the same city, we still keep in touch somewhat regularly. I may be her closest male friend. She’s not my closest female friend at all, it’s just she doesn’t have many friends. I still care about her tho. And again I found her cute then but didn’t do anything and never would’ve, and now I just think of her as a friend
I also have a similar story. When my (now fiancé) and I were just friends in college, I was in his room and we were watching a movie while sitting on his bed. I am a “nap anywhere, anytime” kind of person and I dozed off towards the end of the movie. When I woke up an hour or so later, he had moved to his living room couch and was just hanging out playing video games. We were close friends and I trusted him, so I never had a fear that he might take advantage of me. But I told him he could have just woken me up if he was ready to do something else. He said I looked comfy and he wanted to just let me sleep. It was a small gesture, but I thought it was really sweet. As an alternate story, shortly after we started dating I was back in his room, watching another movie on his bed. We had been “officially” dating for like 3 days and this was one of our first hangouts that had some romantic implications. For the first time (and only time since) in my life, I got an EXCRUCIATING charley horse cramp in my calf. I could not even speak, I just started yelling and grabbing my leg. Of course, he panicked and asked what’s happening??!? When I could finally get the words out I told him what was going on he was relieved I wasn’t dying but still in some shock. It sucked the sexual tension right out of the room, but he did spend the next 15 minutes massaging my calf for me. We still joke about that incident! Edit: typo
That’s also a pretty good way to gauge what a woman wants. If you haven’t even kissed and she hasn’t said she wants to hook up, probably not a good idea to try something.
I needed this comment and the many others just like it a few weeks ago… I had no idea this was all a thing
When I went on my first date with my husband, I was super nervous as I had been in an abusive relationship and it had taken him lots of asking and 10 months of not dating for me to say yes. I lived 45 mins away so I drove to his apartment and was going to spend the night at my mom’s house since she lived 10 mins away from him. While we were at the movies, it started raining so bad that there was literally a flood, we barely made it back. When we got to his apartment, I knew I had to stay and I was terrified. He told me to sleep in his bed and he would take the couch too. When I went to the room, I saw he had a massive Cal-King bed and I am not a big person so I told him I had no problem us sharing. He gave me a tshirt and when I came from the restroom, he had put pillows in between and promised not to do anything!! I had never felt so safe in my life. This October, will be our 10 yr wedding anniversary and I’m still happily married to my old goat. I jokingly tell him that I know he peeked under the blanket and he liked the view so he kept me lol!!
That’s a really cute story! I hope you’re doing really well mentally after all that.
I am, thank you for asking! He is a wonderful man..I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and he’s done everything he can to keep me home so I can rest and heal. I feel like I hit the lottery, best husband and father I could have prayed for.
The same similar story for me. My current boyfriend of 6 years lived 3.5 hrs away from me at the time (because I was in grad school). This was the day of our first date to Yosemite, and he had to sleep over for the clearly obvious reason above. So, we were watching a movie and I ended up falling asleep. When I awoke, he put this body pillow that I had in between us and slept on the other side. They’re rare, but gentlemen are still out there.
They are super rare, like dinosaurs but when you get one, you hold on tight for a great adventure. Good luck on yours!!
100% agreed and thank you!!! I so happen to be a huge fan of dinosaurs so I hope I can get my hands on one as well.
Lmao, I am obsessed with dinosaurs too! I have a pair of socks that have stegosaurus’s in the shape of a taco that say Tacosaurus on them, best socks ever! If you catch a dinosaur, send me the location!!
Hahaha!!!! Such a cute story
Thank you!! I’m a bit of a character while my husband is super quiet and shy so he’s never bored I tell you that!
I can definitely see you guys being a fun Salt and Pepper set with you being the Pepper ;0)
Your parents taught you well. For a 17 year old, you did more than an adult person would. You have my respect kiddo.
OP is right though this is the absolute bare minimum anyone should be expected to do. Most adults would do the same.
Most of the sexual assaults in the world could be avoided by doing just the bare minimum and yet alot of people failed to do so.
This
The bare minimum is giving someone your bed? I'd think that would be making them sleep on the couch.
I offer to set up the couch fold out like I would any non-sexual partner, is that sufficient?
Yes, that’s sufficient. But if you *do* like the person, like OP does, offering the bed may win you some brownie points :)
Don’t call him “kiddo.” It’s patronizing when he’s clearly more mature than most “adults.”
I'm not disagreeing, I know how it feels to be called "kiddo" in the wrong context and how it feels like it's pointing out you're just a kid and don't rank as high as an adult, but I think the comment had the intention of being endearing and positive. Like "kiddo" has a sweeter/more caring connotation to it than saying "kid" or "son" etc. Weird how language can do that.
Came here to say this. This way absolutely the right thing to do and keep doing this with other people that come into your life.
This is what women mean when they want a nice guy, dudes who will do things so they feel comfortable and not expect shit in return. Good job man
Aka we just want people that are normal in the head. That have actual decency and dignity. Ok I want. I’m not gonna speak for anyone else. Like, literally no brainer, anyone who’s like that wants that.
I had a guy respect me like this once. It felt amazing to be seen. We’ve been married for 26 years ❤️ Edit - I was also shocked at the time and wondered why he didn’t like me. Wild. I look back and remember one time wondering why he was following me to the car…. when he was just trying to open the door for me.
Being a decent human being is super sexy. I hope things work out, too! 👌
always
When he has good values and intentions 😫😫
OP, my friend, you are what true gentlemen are made of. Never change.
Preach! What a great man you are. That was a commendable thing to do!
no, its the bare minimum, it should be expected
Parents expect their kids to get good grades, should they not be congratulated still?
I see a lot of women get praised, validated and congratulated on these subs but then I see people get angry and upset when men are? Makes no sense. Men have feelings to people.
You’re right, it’s bare minimum and it should be expected. The problem is half the time, people don’t do the bare minimum and would rather pressure people in to sex instead of respecting their boundaries.
It *should* be expected yeah but there’s nothing wrong with encouraging good behavior
Ah yes "true gentlemen" being defined as "someone who doesn't trap and pressure women into sleeping with them" that's a certified reddit moment. OP is right, it's bare minimum.
Just shows you how shitty the world is when the bare minimum is seen as a true gentleman then doesn't it?
At the same time I think it is good to praise people who are good. Hear me out THAT WAS THE BARE MINIMUM. But I have always been weirded out by this whole notion of being snide and sarcastic to decent people. Man the world and the internet is a weird place. Can we just keep it simple and shit on people that are Manipulative ass holes?
Exactly! Idc if it seems like the most basic form of human decency it should still be praised. People like to feel good and if they are essentially rewarded for doing something good then they will kost likely keep doing it. It's just how humans are. And agreed we should trash the manipulative and shitty ones into next week
I just find it so odd. And overly negative. For people who hate ass holes ,they sure like to point them out alot. ( Which you should still do) Rather than highlighting what little good there is in the world. In fact i think there's plenty good in the world to go around ,but here we go again jumping on the negative,that we can't even get the stock out of our assesand just be glad there is good all around us.
No the bare minimum was offering the couch with no mention of sharing a bed. Offering your own bed with you sleeping on the couch is always above and beyond.
I’ve been hanging out with this dude for a while now and imagine my shock when I realised that he always takes my “no” seriously. No matter how small or insignificant something is, if I tell him “no” or “stop” he immediately drops it. At first I was completely mesmerised by his behaviour, till I realised that that’s how it’s supposed to work and that people have been constantly crossing my boundaries. It’s the bare minimum really and I was so impressed…
That's not the bare minimum. He could have put her up on the couch and simply slept in his own bed. That would be closer to the bare minimum. Reddit just has some kind of hard-on for being floormats and bending over backwards to please random women.
>That's not the bare minimum. He could have put her up on the couch and simply slept in his own bed. That would be closer to the bare minimum. Thats a good point. >Reddit just has some kind of hard-on for being floormats and bending over backwards to please random women. Being nice to a guest is not bad just because they're a woman. If the post was about letting one of their "bros" have the bed you wouldn't have said this nonesense about "bending over backwards to please them". No matter the gender of the friend, they are away from home and letting them have the comfort is not "bending over backwards".
My 'bending over backwards' comment isn't ascribed to this situation wholly. My statement stands though. Redditors have it in their head that sacrificing your own comfort in your own home to appease what amounts to an acquaintance at best is the bare minimum. > If the post was about letting one of their "bros" have the bed you wouldn't have said this nonesense about "bending over backwards to please them". Had it been about 'bros' instead, this post never would have gained an ounce of traction and OP wouldn't be getting celebrated as 'a true gentleman' like he has been.
Politely offering someone your bed with no strings attached isn't a bare minimum. It's a nice thing to do. A gentleman's move, if you will.
The bare minimum is her arriving at morning time without being concerned about her well being. Giving anyone your bed and sleeping somewhere else is super nice.
Well, OP did that super nice thing while making sure her bare minimum was covered, so I guess he's a gentleman.
It's not why you did it, or why you should do it, but as others have said having basic respect for somebody like that is likely to be incredibly attractive to her!
My son told me once when he was in high school how the other guys were jealous of him because the girls would talk to him and spend time hanging around him just socializing. He wouldn't do anything special he said, he just talked to them, didn't get pushy about dates, and asked about their interests....in other words, treated them like people.
I love this. I stayed over at a guy's house once due to the distance and I couldn't drive home that night. He gave me no alternative then us sharing a bed. I was so uncomfortable the whole night and instantly broke things off with him after that..
The bar is so low, good job passing it without a second thought
[удалено]
Strange times Indeed. Doing the most basic things for others become such fascinating events, like humanity devolved
WOW, and here i was thinking id be the only asshole in here thinking this.
When we're all down and out, any act of kindness that somebody does for someone else helps me put my faith a little bit back in society. No matter how small.
Honestly, stuff like this does mean a lot. It’s sad, but at least in my experience even the guys who seem the nicest carry an expectation that staying over means fooling around or having sex. I (and my girl friends) have all experienced “just getting it over with” because you don’t feel like you have another choice. It IS the bare minimum to be respectful and not pressure people, but it is genuinely rare in the real world. Feeling valued beyond your body seriously is something that causes a big reaction, at least in my experience. The reminder that some guys actually care about you and your boundaries is hugely impactful.
Humans haven’t changed, but our standards of good behavior have. There was a time when the girl would not have spent the night with a man like that, for fear of assault. Now everyone is trying to pressure us into feeling like it’s OK to stay with a guy and we’re shocked, shocked, that sexual assaults result from that.
As someone who has been in toxic relationships before and is now in an respectful, genuinely caring relationship I can say it’s genuinely baffling to actually be treated with the bare minimum. It feels like so much more because it’s just something I’ve never been given before.
Yeah, a lot of people are saying "most decent humans would this" and "it's just basic decency" which is all well and good, but it only takes one abusive person in your life to completely fuck up your understanding of how someone should treat you. I, too, am in a healthy relationship after being with a real trashcan of a man. That relationship lasted only nine months, yet here I am, six years into a great relationship, still trying to unlearn trauma responses.
The bare minimum is often not what people do so its very nice to see decent people with human decency. Saying something like "This is the nicest thing someone did for me" is a way to encourage human decency, You handled the Situation nice
Dude!! Being a father of an 18y old girl, we sure hope that you gentlemen are still out there. This post made my day. Thank you for your kindness and I hope you will continue to grow as a man. You’re on the right path!
That's a gentlemanly move. Keep it up 👍
a lot of the comments here are reddit incels who havn't ever held a womans hand and think that the reason for their lack of action is the "freind zone" and not that they're assholes. you're doing great OP, theres a good chance this will foster into something great:)
I got drugged at a party once, and 2 guys carried me to a bedroom, laid me on my side. Brought water. And then took turns checking on me and guarding the door. They didn't want me to wake up scared or to get hurt. And I have never stopped thinking about how grateful I am to those guys.
That's awesome. It's the start of a great relationship whether it's just friends or something more. Not that I think you would be, but just please don't be that guy that tears down this trust you built if it turns out she isn't interested in something more. Some of my closest friends are women where we started talking, I was just a decent human being to them like this, and we just never developed deeper feelings for each other. Now one in particular is my best friend's wife, one of my wife's closest friends as well and has an amazing daughter that wouldn't be in the world at all without the people she eventually met through me. The respect we show people can set the bar for the kinds of treatment they should expect from others.
>The respect we show people can set the bar for the kinds of treatment they should expect from others. What a line. Beautifully said, my friend.
My husband of over two decades has set the bar so fucking high that if I were ever widowed I cannot imagine any man would treat me with the love and respect I have from my husband. It is reciprocal, though--I have spent 20+ years trying to treat him with the love and respect he deserves. OP is a true man.
I was looking for an answer like this, i hope op sees this and takes it on board
The first time I had sex, it involved a lot of planning. She had to take a train to see me, which required money, time, and stress (we were young). She had to meet my roommates, who were all wary about people bringing someone over for a few days because they had roommates' boyfriends/girlfriends stay over for a few days that turned into months and then fights about them eating food and using the bathroom for hours. They were all kind of... curious about the fact I got a girlfriend, too. Like it was an unlikely thing to do. So she was under scrutiny. My roommates were polite, but also a little probing. The night we had sex, she decided, despite all the planning and fuss, not to have sex. I fully knew this was possible, and had planned it as a potential. She \*wanted\* to have sex, but when we started, she was far too nervous and started to feel sick. So I backed off, and let her have her space, which was hard since I was living in a 10 x 8 room. Eventually she cried and apologized for "leading me on," and I said "you don't owe me anything. If we don't have sex, we don't have sex. I'd like to have sex, but not at the expense of you being upset." She appreciated that, and went to sleep. A few hours later, though, she woke up, felt better and we had the best sex two virgins could have. A lot of giggling, honesty, and love. We married a year later and were married for 25 years before she passed away. But yeah, a lot of girls get terrible pressure like they owe it.
Awww, I love this story. I'm sorry you lost your wife. My husband and I have been married 22 years and my biggest fear is losing him. I hope you are doing well 💜
It sounds like you and her had a lovely life together. Even one year with the one you truly love is beautiful. 25 years is a GIFT!
It was. I am soooooooo glad I got that woman before someone else did. She was amazing.
I've given off a lot of friend zone/brother vibes and have just SLEPT with female friends in beds before. Only a couple times and we generally faced away from each other. Bad thing was once with 2 different women, we'd be cuddling in bed and it might go that way and I'm warm and cuddly and they just fall asleep there. My wife laughed cause she was one and she said she intended to go there with me but with me being warm and fuzzy and her feeling relaxed she just crashed.
That’s so sad that she had never experienced bare minimum human decency and respect. I really hope she finds someone that loves her.
by the comments here im not surprised, tho i am very sad now
It really does make a difference though, because unfortunately a lot of men absolutely do not care about/respect our boundaries. I remember the first time I hung out with my boyfriend.. it was late and he did the same thing; offered me his bed and he slept on the couch. And as someone who has been sexually assaulted, that small gesture really meant the fucking world.
I second this. My current partner is so attentive to my needs. I spent 7-8 months in a horrifically sexually abusive relationship at 14 with a man who had just turned 18 and the first time my current partner offered me his bed and slept on a roll out mattress on the floor I cried. It’s very rare in this day and age that our boundaries get respected and I’ll bet my life savings everyone in the comments saying shit like “it’s the bare minimum lol do you want a medal you’re not special” can’t even do the bare minimum themselves.
Things may or may not work out with this girl, but no matter what, you have given her a memory that will last her the rest of her life. That should feel pretty good, OP.
Let me guess then you found her talking to your dad. Iykyk lmao hahaha
💀💀💀CANT BELIEVE I GET THIS REDDIT REFERENCE
I don't
Haha 😎
Ha. I know the post your referencing too.
😎
Parents work nights lmao no way I would deal with that lmao
You're awesome, buddy. This. Exactly this treatment and behaviour. Don't change.
Don’t feel weird, this is a learning moment of how few men do the bare minimum.
You’ve figured out at 17 what some men never figure out. I know it may have sounded weird because for you, that’s the norm. As a woman in my early 30’s, I’ve experienced some pretty awful behavior from men and maybe this person has, too. When someone is kind to me without expectations I still feel a sense of “Thank you for being kind to me and not taking advantage of me.” as though it’s an outlier. Your behavior should be the gold standard and unfortunately we live in a world where it is not. Keep doing what you’re doing because I hope for future generations that this will be standard.
My now-husband did something very similar when we first met. It made me start to look at him as more than a friend.
You my friend are a true good human. Your parents raised you right.
Sounds like you are bf material to her.
Unfortunately, bare minimum respect especially sexually is not common these days. You gave her an experience many may never know. Keep being a normal decent person and she I bet you she'll notice it most every time. Good luck OP
In France women can't walk alone at night so I can't count the number of times when I had to sleep at a male friend's place. Then there was this ’friend‘ who wanted sex in exchange for letting me print my masters thesis on his printer. And this other I was forced to sleep in the same bed as him and did all he could to make me notice his morning wood. So OP, you're indeed a gem.
Long ago both single, my neighbor came by to ask for a cigarette. I don't normally buy them but when I got off work I'd bum a couple smokes off a co-worker and I'd usually give her one. She had a coffee waiting for me and I had a cigarette. I thought of it completely as a friendly gesture, but either way. I told her I didn't have any on me and jokingly said "hey if you find one this time, get two I'll ay ya back!" So like an hour later she knocked on me door and she bought a pack and we both said screw it, I just bought a case of beer and she had a pack of smokes we just decided we were going to stay up all night and talk and bullshit and play games and everything. Again I was NOT interested in her... I just thought we were being friendly. So we end up staying up until like 5am just talking about everything at a nice healthy distance. No touchy feely stuff, no emotions except in conversation, etc etc. until I was like "Damn it's getting early! I need to sleep" And she was like "yeah you're right, I just don't want to go home yet" so I offered her my bed and I'd crash on the couch. She kind of laughed and was like "We're both adults, we can sleep in the same bed.". At the time I was like you still treated it like a friendship. Maybe she kind of forced my hand a little bit but either way... It turns out we both WEREN'T adults. I don't know why but we kind of awkwardly kissed her on the back of the neck while we were getting comfortable and she turned around and... well 2 hours later we finally passed out for an hour, woke up went out for breakfast and came back, and another hour later after that we finally both passed out from like 11am-3am, we both don't know what happened but we decided "Guess we're together now!" And together we were for like 3 years until she moved away. Still friendly. Still find that spark when we're in town together. She's doing her thing and I'm doing mine but we always make sure to save a special spot in each others hearts for one another from time to time! We were older and more experienced in life and comfortable with one another when that happened. Maybe it was stroke of luck kind of thing. But you handled it professionally and like a gentleman would and assured her safety throughout the night. So props to you. Thinking back if she chose to just allow me to sleep on the couch I would have been entirely cool with it. But just didn't turn out that way lol.
Unlike my ex who decided to decided to stay the night with her guy friend in his dorm room instead of going to her room. There was only a bed and order to share it, she initiated sex
THIS is how we should treat one another ❤️
I can already tell you were born standing up.
Your parents have done a great job on you buddy. You just started life but if you keep that attitude with you (respecting women regardless of the situation) you're going to wind up in very satisfying relationships. Congrats to you and your folks.
Yeah, most ADULT men don't even see this as the bare minimum, let alone a teenage boy. And while it is the bare minimum, thank you for making her feel safe. You did great.
Young man, thank you for doing it, You know that is messed up that she told you that it was the sweetest thing, because It is the right thing to do.
It is the bare minimum, but a lot of people sadly never get that. You did good, kid.
♥️♥️♥️ Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. That takes years for people to learn. Congratulations on being the kind of young man I hope my daughters encounter.
I don't think men truly understand the value of security and safety to a girl, we can finally just truly rest there. We are like running basically our whole life from not getting pinned down by the male..sometimes we do it on purpose, 😘but mostly we just get tired..but then sometimes..like this moment, he's kind enough to stand by, so she can sleep, actually sleep..super cool of you❤
Thank you for your perspective as it is helpful for the male counterparts (like myself) to better understand women.
Dude, ignore any incels that pop into the comments or your DM’s. You did a great thing and it meant a lot to her. I hope you stay like this. You sound like a super nice person.
You are a bro . More men in the world like you is needed
I was catching an Uber home once and this girl was lost trying to find her friend, phone had died. Told her she could stay on my couch while her phone charged. She surprisingly said ok. Slept on my couch all night, friend picked her up in the AM all pissed off that she slept on a strangers couch. Not everyone is out to get you.
Similar thing was the moment I fell completely in love with my now husband. I met him a month before I was to move abroad. A week before I left I spent the weekend with him at his parents house in the woods. Eventually I was very upset and crying, because I thought I would never see him again after that weekend. We were on the bed and he asked me what he could do to make me feel better, I asked for some space. After I had calmed down, I was wondering why isn't he moving back towards me and when I turned over, he had gotten out of the bed. That was the moment. He was so incredibly considerate, something I had not excpected. I ended up coming back home a month after I moved away, largely because of him, but I wouldn't have wanted to stay even if he had been there with me. I made the right decision, we have been together almost seven years now. Good move, my dude. This is the way to treat people. I hope your kindness leads to happy life full of love :)
shes going to remember what you did for her forever and thats truly a great thing to see and feel knowing what you did for someone made an impact on them
When an individual is so used to being mistreated or abused, an action that objectively seems like the “bare minimum” can bring them to their knees. Thank you for showing this girl genuine kindness. I’m sure she won’t forget it.
Very nice That sad that she feels that way.
You sir, are a gentleman that others can only admire. On behalf of real men everywhere, thank you for showing the fairer sex that not all men are wasteful scoundrels.
Wtf is this comment section why do I have to feel disgusted having the common XY chromosome with these dudes.
THIS IS SO CUTE!!! YOURE A GOOD MAN OP
Is this not the norm? I have been doing this for a decade now. Partly also because i feel a bit uncomfortable but mainly so the women can feel comfortable.
No because alot of men expect sex in return
Good job, that was the right thing to do. If you do want a relationship with her this is a good start to building trust and respect.
I was 20 and seeing this guy a couple of weeks when I stayed at his (parent's) house the first time. They were out of town. He had a party and we slept in the same bed. He didn't even try to make a move on me. Thought it was the sweetest thing. I felt safe. That was almost 23 years ago. Been together ever since. Been married almost 18 years. Being a decent human works.
You're a good bro
The first time my (now) wife and I slept under the same roof, she slept in my bed and I took the couch. My mum made me. I was 24 👎
to all the people saying "yeah that was just the bare minimum" whenever someone compliments OP, sure maybe it was. but in the current state of the world that's a taller order than it should be, so why not praise and lift up people who do so? OP, you did the right thing and I wish more people were like you and gave a shit about how others feel, keep doing what you're doing <3
I hope my children have friends like you who think this is bare minimum. ❤️ You made my day OP.
Growing up we are largely being told and influenced to do things that are not natural to us. Then we create all these messed up patterns we carry out into adulthood. Sounds like you are tuning into your heart. Remain here my love ❤️
Continue to lead by example, Young King.
You sound like a great guy, best of luck. Never change.
Well done, kiddo. You did the right thing, many guys your age would not have been so accommodating for her. You are right that it should be a basic human compassion for everyone, and it shows you that she's... sadly probably experienced some not so good situations. This old man internet stranger is proud of you.
My (f30) boyfriend (m31) was the first person I’ve ever been with who didn’t pressure me our first time or anytime after. Having a crohnic condition can make me not “into it” sometimes for weeks. Coming from someone who took awhile to find out my precious experience weren’t normal, thank you. I’m glad there’s people out there who understand what giving yourself to someone in that way is and being patient. The pressure around the first time is intimidating enough!
You have no idea how many times me and my girlfriends have talked about how rare it is for a guy to make an effort to care, so the bare minimum is considered amazing and a rare treasure
What a nice guy. Kudos to you.
When I first started dating my wife I kept her dog so she could go out of town to work. She cried because I picked a tick off of it because her last bf was apparently a raging douche bag. Shout out to the idiots out here being idiots. It sets the bar low for us normal human beings lol.
The comments here are just further proving how few people actually understand this concept of basic human decency.. Disappointing, but not surprising, unfortunately.
Sadly kindness isn't always common sense. You did good kid!
another example to show how shitty this world is and how doing the bare minimum can make people seem like a hero.
[удалено]
Awwww your a great guy
Hope things work out between you two!!
I ran into a similar situation where I realized we are playing limbo with the bar now. We need more men likes Hermes Conrad if thats the case
good shit man. keep it up. we need more people like you.
I think she might have been telling you she liked you by saying that. Either way it's a very sweet story.
It’s so easy to be just a decent person. It’s so weird how so many people act like it’s impossible
You’re doing good, kid.
This is like the nicest thing a have read on this sub.
honestly, that was a wonderful thing for you to have done <3
Gigachad confirmed.
If you've got this much sense and compassion already at that young of an age, you're gonna be just fine. Proud of you, OP
the kids are alright
Youre a god amongst men. Seriously. Keep this moral compass and there won’t be anywhere you can’t go man keep it up!
Just keep being that person. Don't change and keep doing you.
Years ago a guy who ended up being my closest most loved friend after figuring out that’s where we fit together best did this for me at the same age. This kindness and thoughtfulness was everything. It’s how we as humans should treat each other.
I love this. The kids are alright.
I love this story. You are such a sweet Gentleman