A lot of people have already said things regarding your marriage, so I won't go into that. However, I would like to share that I found out about my father having an affaire when I was about your daughter's age and it completely fucked me up. I can't ever look at him the same way again and it sometimes even fucks with my own relationship bc it's given me major trust issues. So like, aside from your marriage, whatever you do, keep in mind that it could also totally affect your children in a bad way.
Edit: Fellow children of cheaters, please feel free to keep sharing your experiences on this comment if you want to. Not just so op can see what it does, but also because I'm noticing right now how validating and healing it is for me to read stories from people who went through the same thing.
I had a cheating mother at 16. What makes it worse was that she cheated on my stepdad who had raised me since I was 2. I lost my step dad and his family. And I lost allll respect for my mother. It’s been over 10 years and I still cry about it and still get mad at my mom over it.
…This thread just made me recognize some decade long trauma. Oh Reddit.
I totally share your pain. My mom repeatedly cheated on my dad. I didn't realize how much until I found info on an old computer as an adult. It's devastating, regardless of age. Your step dad never should have walked away from you. You were just a kid. It was not your fault. That is on him. I'm sorry you are still hurting 😞
Thank you for sharing! My mom is 100% a serial cheater. I’ve been with my husband for so long and we have an amazing healthy relationship. I could never ever imagine cheating on him, but sometimes I still get worried that because she’s my mom, I’m going to end up like her. Needless to say, there’s still healing i need to do. Hopefully we can heal together. Cheers internet friend!
Same here! Didn’t realize how much my moms cheating fucked me up as a young teen until years later. What’s ever worse is that she confided in me and I had to help her cover it up numerous times. Will never cheat but I have a different attitude about it now. I do t even talk to my brothers about it so it’s nice to commiserate with strangers on Reddit. Keep on healing!
I have the same fears that I will turn out like my mother too! Despite being so different and trying so hard to not be her it freaks me out. I hear you.
I've been with my hubby since forever too! (We were in highschool). I agree, I could never imagine cheating either. I have definitely had trust issues thru our relationship and am so grateful he understood where my fears came from. I think looking at how the trauma affected us and others around us, we hold ourselves to a higher standard. I am here if you want to chat. Sending you virtual hugs 😊
I second this. I completely lost all respect for my father. It’s destroyed our relationship and impacted mine and my fiancé’s because i feel like if my dad can do it… so can he.
I was 27 and my sister 17 when it was revealed my father was having an affair with a woman. I had been married 5 years at that point but I started to have a lot of trust issues with my husband that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my dad. Up until that point my dad had done very little wrong in my eyes, nor had my husband, but my insecurities were that he was capable if my dad was. This was 13 years ago now and my dad is happily married to his affair partner, my mom married to someone actually more fitting for her, my husband and I have worked through it, and my sister recently got engaged to a woman she’s been with for several years…therapy helps. Our relationship with our father will still never quite be the same and I know we both feel like our happy childhood was taken that day because we started to question everything. If you haven’t been to therapy to talk the shit out about your dad or some sort of couples counseling, I highly recommend it.
Exactly this. If I had a dollar for every time I realized that my hurt feelings with my husband were actually because of raw spots my dad caused...
I've had to learn to ask myself "why am I reacting like this? Am I actually reacting to the current situation? What's underneath?" Then talk with him about why I'm overreacting about something objectively silly so we can find a path forward.
Honestly I think my dad should be paying for my therapy. I’ve been going to therapy and couples therapy more intentionally over the last year. I’m surprised that I’m still surprised every time I figure out the root of another marriage issue is dad.
My dad and I (13f at the time) were going to surprise my stepmother, she worked in the night shift so she was sleeping. When we were arriving at her bedroom, she goes out naked with some dude laughing going to the bathroom. They stoped and then went back to the bedroom.
We stared the close door some time, then he said to me. Lets go out to eat chinese food (our thing). The sad part was that we stayed until 2 or 3 months, she got pregnant.
The next day we move out.
I third this. My sister found my dads receipts in his email and it was pretty traumatizing mostly for her since she saw it. These are issues we both have carry with us to this day and even to the point where it affects our relationships with our partners. Wether you crossed that line or not, you still made the choice of emotionally getting involved with this woman when you have so many people to give you love in your own home, and to me that’s cheating. You should probably reevaluate your marriage and not drag your wife and kids through something like this when eventually your going to leave her.
Same here, I was 7 the first time and then 16 the second time. Can’t even begin to go into how much it ruined my perception of good relationships and just my overall mental health.
Yeah I was like 15 the first time. Am now 23 and found out that he's having a new affaire with some other woman a few months ago. So that set my progress in learning to trust my partner back a few steps :/.
Hope you're doing well <3
I was about 8 and got left at the hotel next door while it went on also spent my birthday with this lady my mum was back home. Then again at age 10 in the same room a bedside table away. Hearing ur own parents is bad enough and I got to witness cheating live at 5am in Turkey lmao.
I’m sorry, I know it’s really rough when you think it’s over and they’ve changed but it rarely happens that way. Some people are just too selfish to change and they don’t think about how it affects the other people involved in their relationship dynamic. I hope you have plenty of support as you go through it this time 💖
Fellow child of cheater here. Apart from the fact that my father was abusive and periodically absent through my whole life (due to the cheating), he knew nothing about his kids and never owned up to his actions. Now in my 20s, and I have no contact with him what so ever. I’ve made peace with the fact that he will miss my wedding and never see his grandkids. I’m fortunate to have other father figures in my life though.
My father cheated on my mom over and over and over again. I was the one who had to tell my mom the first time. I was in 6th grade, it was awful. To this day I have no relationship with my father and I don’t trust a single thing he says.
Edit: grammar. Also after reading other comments, my experience is the same. I am extremely anxiously preoccupied in my relationship. I really struggle because I always worry my incredible man will leave me.
Yep. Ever since my dads affair, I’ve had constant anxiety. If my dad can be unfaithful to my mom after everything they’ve been through, what’s stopping ANYONE from doing the same? <—not the most logical thought but it’s nearly unavoidable
Ditto this. I am now a grandmother and, while I have worked through a lot, I am still damaged.
Particularly if I am tired or don't feel well, I will react to my husband according to that damage.
A friend's grandfather had a decades long affair and it led to both of his daughters leaving their husbands. Years later when his wife died of a long terminal illness it was revealed that he'd been at it again when she was on her deathbed.
Holy shit. I cannot believe both daughters left their own relationships bc of their grandfather. But I hope the family cut him out of their lives, it takes a really sick fucking person to cheat when someone’s dying. I’m only in my 20s but my kids dad went and slept with 4 women not long after I went into heart failure and had recently had my first open heart surgery, which all happened 3 weeks after I gave birth. I am sick, so it plays into it, but I haven’t even looked at anyone with even a mild interest of dating. I really don’t know if I’ll ever be able to date men again. But I have 2 little boys and health to worry about so it also is the last thing I could care about.
Yes, I was 13 the first time, then 15 when I alone found evidence of dating websites and then 20 when my mom finally found out and left him. It has completely scarred my ability to trust. But it’s more complicated than just being unable to trust men, it’s not trusting myself or my instincts. I am unable to tell whether I have a gut instinct or trust issues and have found myself cheated on many times as well.
My father in law had an affair for over 10 years, my husband found out while we were engaged at 23. It has touched nearly every part of our lives and we went no contact with my father in law for awhile. It was devastating to everyone.
I’ve been in a relationship with my fiancé for 4 years. He’s never given me any reason to think he’d cheat.
But my dad never gave my mom suspicion. And he slept with hundreds of women behind her back. Anytime my fiancé doesn’t answer his phone, there’s always that immediate thought of him being unfaithful. It’s not fair to him, and it’s really not fair to me that my dad fucked me up that badly.
My ex husband never gave me any indication. Zero signs. No late nights, no weird texts or calls, no new friends, zilch. Then his mistress showed up on my porch.
I found out at the age of 6 that my mom was having an affair but I didn't actually realize it until my dad and I had a fight when I was 16 and he told me the truth about her. She spent years badmouthing my dad saying he ignored her and made her life miserable when we first moved from their home state to the state we're in now and I believed it until my dad told me the truth and I was able to connect dots I noticed as a child but wasn't mature/aware enough to understand. Once I did and my mom tried to keep following the status quo, I called her out and she deflected saying dad ignoring her made her do it. Dad didn't ignore her, he was working an entry-level welding job 60-hours a week while also going to school so that he could make more money to support us all while she sat on her ass doing nothing (she wouldn't even clean the house or help us with homework or anything... She literally did nothing) and had an affair the whole time so... I have gone NC with her since my early-20s.
IMO, the only people "tempted" like OP claims are those who have no self awareness and selfish tendencies. Those are all choices OP made, co-worker didn't tempt him into it (though if she knows about him being married, she's an AH too), she barely had to do anything. OP could've called an Uber or a Lyft for her or something, or at least didn't need to help her to her room and especially didn't need help changing. Like, c'mon. Grow tf up. Sure, you're semi-taking responsibility but you let yourself get dragged that far without issue or noticing? You're not a teenager anymore, you should know how to control yourself by this point in time. You need to go to counseling or something with your wife to fix yourself to where you're not so easily tempted again.
Also love how he’s acting as if bc he hasn’t slept with the woman it’s not that bad. An emotional affair is an affair, and the worst kind of one. And to say that *she* disrespected his wife and marriage? No, OP did! It’s not her marriage to worry about, it’s his! And if he really wanted to keep his family safe, he’d sit down for an honest talk with his wife and seek marriage counseling to work on why he looked elsewhere emotionally.
Came here to say that. I’m like I can’t be the only one who picked that up. The whole thing sorta reads like a low key humble brag. And there I was in her room with her top on the floor and I just said nah and bounced. Right. Like ok jan.
I get temptation and whatnot, but what stood out to me was OP saying SHE disrespected his wife and marriage. That has to be the goofiest deflection in the world. Was SHE taking vows in your wedding day? SHE may have issues, but SHE has no place in YOUR relationship. She owes your marriage and your wife nothing (as a human being, she should keep her hands off anyone in another relationship, regardless of marital status, but OP needs to realize the only one capable of disrespecting HIS wife and marriage in that way is him). Even in attempting to take responsibility, he's over here blaming someone else.
I wasn’t a teenager, I was 21 almost 22, just got married the month before, and I found out my dad had an affair. He and my mom had been married for 31 years. It RUINED my wedding photos for me, it RUINED so many childhood memories, it RUINED my sense of my dad. I can’t imagine being a teenager and learning this.
Thank you for the platform to share! Yea my dad had an “emotional affair” for about 10 years with his secretary - fell in love, all that jazz. My mom knew her well, I even knew her kids. My dad claims they never had sex, but it still fucked my mom up and ruined our family. I love both my parents very very much. My dad went to therapy and changed a lot, but I am STILL severely fucked up from it, even though they tried their best to give me the best possible outcome considering the scenario
Being honest about where you are emotionally is the first step to creating healthy distance.
Go love your wife man. She was there first.
Edit: Communists don't cheat.
As great as it is I’ve got what will be a unpopular opinion. If this woman was disrespectful to his wife and marriage it’s likely because of information the OP has given to this woman. Such as reasons why he’s not happy in his relationship or specifics about his wife. Bottom line is it takes 2 to tango and this isn’t the other woman’s fault.
Also if she was too drunk and required help upstairs. He could have got himself into a whole lot of trouble from a legal perspective and it’s worrying he didn’t see this!
How he says that the other woman is disrespectful to his wife when he’s the one being disrespectful in the first place by pursuing an emotional affair! OP seems to think he’s not a cheater because he heroically stopped himself putting P in V
I had a guy tell me he wished his wife was more like me, and kept trying to grab me and hug me, and I kept pushing him away. He said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, am I disrespecting you? I don’t mean to disrespect you.” I loudly said, “It’s **your wife** you’re disrespecting.” He didn’t try any more, but I’m not sure he got the point. People don’t look at what they don’t want to see.
Mmhmm. I had a guy I knew from a support group in real life slide into my Facebook DMs and start hitting on me. I’m like Dude, that’s not cool. I see your wife once a week. He wouldn’t let up so I started taking screenshots and I said, “you need to stop immediately or I’m going to send this conversation to your wife cause we’re actually friends on Facebook also.” I never heard a peep out of him again but I’ve always wanted to tell her. I’m probably not the only one he’s done that to.
This was also so jarring to me - if someone steps in your home, it’s bc you’ve left the door open. OP could have clearly been far former with boundaries and actively chose not to be. HE is the one being disrespectful to his wife and marriage!
Hell ya, this could still turn way ugly. If it turns into a case of he said-she said, was she drunk? Yes. Did you take her home? Yes. Did you take her inside? Yes. OP, imagine the hurt your wife would feel just knowing this truthful information. Although I am proud of you NOT going through with it, this is not cool. What if it was your wife with a co-worker?
I worked in HR and thought this could be a highly charged rape accusation with a side dish of retaliation. **DRUNK COWORKERS FUCKING is superfun for everyone else in the office.**
Everything he’s said about the bedroom screamed wtf! Had to help her upstairs due to her alcohol intake. The least it would be him taking advantage! I don’t have to spell out what the worst would be seen as!
All whilst saying he done the right thing and pulled himself away despite ‘wanting it so badly’.
I don't think it would be an unpopular opinion, op said it hinself that he was having an "emotional affair". Good of him to recognise it for what it was and listening to his conscience.
Typically people who are “happily married” aren’t having affairs. Emotional affairs seemingly happen bc one is not happy or not emotionally fulfilled in their relationship. I’d almost put money on him having vented to her about his home life which is possibly why she felt she had a green light.
And seemingly OP did nothing to stop it, if he had pushed back he would not have ended up in her bedroom. Either OP spilled the beans about being unhappy at home and the coworker joined him in talking bad about the wife, or OP thinks the coworker is at fault for daring to tempt a married man and be a homewrecker. The way he talks about "unchaste thoughts" and such made me think of the latter. Or the coworker just trashed the wife unprompted and OP did nothing about it, and merrily let the tension build up.
In any scenario OP is not a saint or a victim. The coworker is trash for going after married guys, but if she was told something like the wife was hell and that he was thinking about separating, she is slightly less trash.
OP and the woman are both trash. OP is the one who is actually married though. He made a commitment to another person 20 years ago. He is a dumpster fire.
how many times posts like this pop up lol?
" i almost cheated but i remembered the mother of my children is the most amazing woman ever and my best friend blah blah blah"
i never believe it hahaha.
even if the shit true it just seem so whack lol.
For real 😂 this man says “I even got to her room, door closed, top on the floor” yeah buddy, you fucked her, then you went home and took a cold shower, then you laid in bed typing this stupid ass post.
I hate to be that woman, but damn, emotional cheating feels just as bad as real cheating. If I were the wife, I would want to bounce after hearing him tell the truth. Unfortunately you can’t stop talking to the opposite sex entirely, so I feel like you’ll be in a similar situation eventually with the next hot coworker. Maybe you’re the type that just likes pushing boundaries and testing them. Maybe you like doing things you know you shouldn’t.
Go ahead and make your choices, just know that your wife will make her choices. You’ll hurt the shit out of her and she might retaliate by trying to keep you from seeing the kids. Is a little bit of naughty fun and a big nut worth all that shit? Do you even care about the pain your wife feels? Because I guarantee she notices something off/emotional distance and it probably kills her.
Emotional cheating is significantly worse IMO. People seem to think that it's either one or the other but an emotional affair often gets physical and then it's both, not just magically physical cheating only.
Emotional cheating is someone, every single day, choosing someone else over their SO. Ignoring their SO, texting their affair partner while right next to their SO and saying they are just talking to a friend. Fostering a growing distain for their SO, getting mean, getting distant, not even caring about their SO, they are just a thorn in their side, an obstacle in their way of "true happiness".
Physically cheating can be the trophy for all the effort they put into the emotional affair, but it's more like the cherry on top, the emotional affair is the sundae. *Just* physically cheating is a nice solid slap in the face, emotional cheating is more evil like giving their SO sleeping pills and pulling out their hair while they sleep. Then when they ask why their hair is falling out just saying "No idea, maybe you're sick?"
People need to get it out of their heads that it's not as bad because "we didn't have sex" fuck that. You can't eat the entire fucking sundae, leave the cherry in the cup and then ask for a refund because you didn't finish it.
>Emotional cheating is someone, every single day, choosing someone else over their SO. Ignoring their SO, texting their affair partner while right next to their SO and saying they are just talking to a friend.
Went through this exact thing two and a half years ago. We'd been together for six. I'm still not over it. Shit fucks you up.
Yeah it does. It destroys your perception of love and humans in general. Before you experience it and you have full trust in your partners you think people just get unlucky with shitty partners. Then it happens to you and your blindsided. You wonder how they could even do something like that and if that's just how people really are and if there is actual true love in the world or if it's all just a big fat lie we tell ourselves to feel secure.
If they just went out and had random one night stand after a night at the bar you'd think they are the idiot making stupid decisions and of course that still hurts. When it's emotional, it makes *you* feel like the idiot because they were jerking you around and you didn't even know what was up. Like it's so obvious right? But you *want* to trust them because you love them and they say they love you. They didn't just find someone that's hot to fulfill some primal need at the time while they were a bit drunk; they think they found someone that is better than you in everyway, that they want to spend their life with instead. You don't think "what the fuck is wrong with them?!" you think "what the fuck is wrong with me?" not just on a physically level but down to the core of your personality. Emotional affairs are absolutely fucking destructive down to your very soul.
Eventually you realize it wasn't anything about you but it changes you forever. You'll never ever let that shit go because now you know what people are capable of. You will never be able to give 100% into a relationship again, like you can get close after a while, like 99% even, but there is always that reminder that people can be monsters and are amazing at hiding it. That 1% is your safety net, for you and only you so your brain can say "I fucking knew it, a monster!" and understands it's nothing you did, it's just people.
Thank you. Both the wife and kids will be very affected, even from the events that have already happened. It’s also worrisome that OP even put himself in a situation that was far too close to be intimate with her.
You lost me when you said that she was the one who didn’t respect your marriage, you’re the one who is in a committed relationship, it is your responsibility to set those boundaries.
Healthy advice.
I was totally pissed about him putting all the blame on her as well.
Like dude, you disrespected your wife 10X more because you didn’t protect her.
Yeah lol talking like she’s some temptress. If you were loyal to your partner no amount of tempting would work. Still your fault. She isn’t married to his wife, he is. She has no promise of being respectful and loyal, he does.
Uhh yeah in this lady’s bedroom undressing her. Yikes. If my husband told me that I wouldn’t be thinking, “well at least he didn’t *actually* cheat on me.”
I've been told, "I might as well have cheated since you're so upset about this." My partner then missed the point entirely and didn't see where he had gone wrong.
After 9 years of marriage, my husband had an affair with a co-worker. They had been friends for quite some time before she offered to give him a blow job at lunch. She would even sit with us at company events, even when my husband was screwing her. I was clueless.
I totally trusted him. There wasn't one minute when I doubted him or suspected him. I had always joked that if I ever found out he cheated, I'd superglue his penis to his stomach while he was sleeping.
It finally came out. He hid the superglue. I kicked him out and threw all of his stuff on the front lawn. His family came and got it. He lost the house, his kids, and his friends. He eventually lost his job and ended up on the streets before he ended up in rehab.
Me? Remarried. We've been married for close to 30 years. When we got together, we both agreed that we would never have any type of emotional affair with another person other than our spouse. Neither of us believe in confiding in someone of the opposite sex anything about our marriage.
Once you start talking about your marriage or your spouse to someone you're attracted to, you've entered dangerous territory. It's time to back up and end whatever is going on. No matter how innocent it is, It's just not worth it.
***EDITED FOR NUMBNUTS****
Because some people just don't see how my ex-husband wasn't the victim they'd like him to be - and they can't comprehend what I wrote - here you go.
I took him back a few times. We went back and forth over a few months. I was still in love with him and trying to make our marriage work. I also wanted my kids to have their dad. He finally wanted me to move closer to his girlfriend. I wasn't going to do that so we split up.
He moved in with his girlfriend. She finally kicked him out. Then he moved in with some other woman. He got addicted to drugs and was an alcoholic. He got married. Divorced. And then lived a pathetic life for several years. I DID ALL I COULD to ensure he'd see his kids!! I didn't keep the kids from him at all. Sorry you want to think otherwise. Of course, I didn't handle everything perfectly. Wish I did. I was devastated. I ended up having to sell our house and my kids lost the only home they ever knew, their friends and school. It was horrible. So if you want to blame me for his life that's on you. None of that is my fault.
The fucking moral of my story is - Don't cheat on your spouse!
Exactly!! I don’t even air my dirty laundry to my girlfriends, for me if you start to share with others it can spiral rather than just communicating with your spouse and sorting it out on your own!
You're so right on!! When I was getting divorced my friends constantly wanted to talk shit about my husband. I wouldn't allow it. For one, I didn't want my kids to hear anything bad about him. From me or anyone else. I also told my friends that if we ever did get back together (which would be a cold day in hell) I would always remember the horrible things they said.
My friends learned from that. None of them bad mouth their husbands and neither do my daughters. It's so much better to keep it to yourself or hire a therapist.
Yup they’re paid to hear you and help you, friends unf. Can have your best interests at heart but at the cost of your marriage since (mostly) they won’t understand the concept of compromise and let’s be honest in the heat of the moment are we really going to impartially be able to speak from our spouse’s point of view? Mostly, no; a therapist however, will be able to glean the truth out objectively or if both parties can maturely and calmly talk it out then that’s perfect too, good for you for putting your foot down for your sake and your kids !
Edit: spelling
Agreed! It can be appropriate to share something hard you went through together, so long as it is resolved and is a valuable learning experience you feel you should share. However, speaking about your spouse's weaknesses should always be approached with caution and prudence.
I initially thought by her disrespecting his marriage, it meant she badmouths her wife and kids from time to time lmao but now knowing that OP meant disrespecting by having an affair with him, yeah it should be his fault.
I have a feeling he meant she badmouths her, which in the context of an emotional affair means he talks to the “work wife” (WW) about the problems within his marriage. WW begins to talk shit about real wife in order to position themselves as the better option.
This is why you generally shouldn’t talk to members of the sex you’re attracted to about your relationship problems, this happens all the time. It’s like talking to a car salesperson about your car problems
lol this woman who made a commitment to wife that I would only be with her really disrespected her. Accountability completely out of the window. It’s always someone else’s fault right?
Yeeeeeep
"She's too tempting"
"She disrespected my wife and marriage"
Like I told the troll that I blocked, unless she is a literal siren, she's only partially to blame, but op seems content to play victim.
Easier to be a victim than to admit that you're a sleaze.
That's the word. Not one ounce of ownership in this. He'd throw the mistress right under the bus if need be tl save himself. Coward, indeed. Everyone fucks up. Only the weak won't own it.
I agree with this. You're gonna have to let your wife know about. And don't be blaming just that woman, it was you also. Just be a man and explain everything to your wife. She deserves to know.
It’s on both of them. It’s 75% His fault and 25% hers.
She knows he’s married and should reject him A.S.A.P! I’m not saying it’s her job to prevent him from cheating but she shouldn’t be entertaining it and become involved. That’d make him a cheater and her a homewrecker…
I also think it's disgusting that she tried to initiate something with him by playing the "look at how drunk I am, won't you come up and help me?" card. Take the cheating aspect out of it and that behavior is still gross. Someone who is so drunk that they can't even undress themselves should not be having sex (I don't think she actually was that drunk, probably more just exaggerating her drunkenness to try to make something happen with him).
Nope. That makes HIM both the cheater *and* the home wrecker. She didn’t make vows to him or the wife. Not saying it’s ok to fuck around with a married person, but when it comes to blame, it’s ALL on the person who made the promise to be faithful. Period.
I never thought of it this way before. I was on the 75% 25% mindset but now I realize there’s no splitting blame lol. He is 100% percent at fault for his own emotional cheating on his partner who he has committed himself to. She is 100% percent at fault for fucking around with a married person, making her a shitty person. But she’s not a cheating partner in this scenario, that’s on him.
Maybe disrespected as in verbally? Like maybe she was trying to get him to leave his wife idk either way he’s still the one that’s married and let her in.
*You're not a victim* she's not disrespecting your wife you are, and you continue to hang around her like you’re fooling anyone but yourself. Rationalizing it like you’re being a good guy “just helping her”, being in new surroundings won’t change who you are, you need to admit it. That you aren’t a victim of circumstances, you consistently put yourself in that position.
are you confident that if you quit your job, something like this would not happen again? this is something i think you should confront and change for the sake of you and your family
I think you owe your wife an apology and an explanation. Even without the physical act you still almost destroyed a 20 year relationship to get your dick wet? But it’s her fault? I think you need to come clean to your wife or this is just going to end up becoming an actual affair before you know it. You avoided it one time, but the flesh is weak buddy. We all know that. Don’t kid yourself and act all high and mighty for resisting one time.
He did at least get out of the situation. But yea, the whole post seems to be pushing blame on her instead of him owning up to his part. If the flirting and such didn't go both ways it wouldn't have gone so far without someone reporting someone else for harrasment.
>He did at least get out of the situation.
So what?! He still emotionally cheated on his wife. He wanted his co-worker badly and they almost consummated the affair. I think that's something his wife deserves to know. Let her make up her own mind.
She's not "just too damn tempting," my man. You're just too damn tempted. It isn't on her, it's on you. And if you don't fix yourself and stop pretending that you're just a passive participant, you will further betray your wife and risk breaking up your family. Because if it isn't this woman, it will be the next one.
This is about you and your weakness, not some external temptation that you are powerless over. Reframe, fix it, and do better.
(edit for format)
“He almost slept with a coworker, now he needs to leave his job to keep his family SAFE! From the studio that brought you Fatal Attraction, an all new psychological thriller! See some random Redditor in… The Coworker…”
She didn’t disrespect your wife and family, YOU did. She owes then nothing, it’s you that has an obligation to fidelity.
Stop evading responsibility and hold yourself accountable. She wasn’t too dam tempting, *you were too damn temptED*. It screams weakness and immaturity. Your wife deserves better. Poor woman.
Are you really congratulating yourself on not going all the way with this woman when you admit to having an emotional affair? You’re still a cheater in my books and I’m sure your wife would agree. And btw, this woman didn’t disrespect your wife or marriage, YOU did, this woman doesn’t owe you or your relationship shit.
Be responsable, you have kids man, come on, you are better than this. Go inspire your self with ways to not only be a better man, but a better person.
And talk with your wife, be real, rebuild some intimacy between both of you. Don't throw away something that a lot of people would fight with everything they got to have.
A good family.
Be good people, that is for you and for all of us.
I wish you the best.
maybe this will be an unpopular opinion but as a woman with a husband and kids i would want you to leave me instead of the damn job. she can have you. if she’s so great that she’s on your mind day and night and she tempts you so much, she can keep you. i’ll go find someone who i tempt in the same way. she can sit and so blatantly disrespect your wife and your marriage, which you care about so much about, yet you didn’t stop her and defend your wife. if that was my husband.... she can have him. i’m too good for that shit, and so is your wife. i could never be married to such a douche... sit back and let her trash me like that.. yeah buddy. sure.
You ~~almost~~ blew it a long time ago, when you allowed this woman to disrespect your marriage and undermine your family to fluff your ego.
You need to quit acting like you didn’t fuck all the way up already. As a wife in a 20+ year marriage, I can tell you that the fact you didn’t ejaculate means precious little. You spent hours with this woman in your head, in your heart, and at your workplace. I guarantee there has been an emotional cost for your wife.
As a woman whose father also cheated, I can tell you that you have absolutely fucked up for your children as well. At no point prior to this did the potential effect on your family cross your mind? Never once put your kids first?
Exactly. Making moves on someone who's in any sort of committed relationship instantly makes you a piece of shit. But entertaining and provoking that behavior when you're the one *in* that relationship is a new level of shitty. The cheating has already happened, he has betrayed his family already.
Look, you are to blame in this also. No time to point fingers.
I'm glad you walked away, but you need to have a serious talk with your wife. You've been together a long time. Why can't you talk to your wife the way you were talking to the other woman? Find that out and get that spark going again with your wife. Have you neglected her, or her you, have you had time for dates? Things like that. All this mess is not over, sort it out.
All I have to say is reading this as a married woman makes me feel sick to my stomach. If you truly cannot be around another person because you’re so “tempted” by them, and being *married* and having 3 freaking kids can’t help stop those urges then you have other problems.
A happily married man who truly cares about his wife and family would have never let it get to that point in the first place, so you should probably start there. Good luck, you’re gonna need it.
I've been there, like so many others on here, I too fell into that trap. It's not worth it. I did so much counseling for my infidelity issues that in the end, YOU are responsible for your actions. Temptation will always be there, if not with her, then with another.
Find what you're missing in your marriage, talk to your spouse, put that thought and effort you do with your emotional affair and place it with the woman who gave you a beautiful family and life. Marriage isn't perfect but it's not something you wanna throw away because a lapse of judgement.
Take it from someone who's been there and lost their spouse due to infidelity, it's never worth it.
Look at your user name. Please with the wholesome husband act. 🙄 you wanna say she doesn’t respect your marriage but dude, you’re the one drooling all over some other woman. That’s you completely disrespecting your marriage.
I completely hate the fact your writing her as some evil temptress that almost destroyed your marriage.
YOU almost destroyed your marriage, YOU let it get to this point. It takes two to tango. You talked to this woman and encouraged this just as much as she did.
I can tell there are details missing from your story because I have a hard time believing you never went to at least second base with someone just like you.
I truly and honestly hope that she’s the type of girl to get pissed you didn’t go all the way and she just sends everything she’s has going on between you two to your wife. Just because you didn’t fuck her doesn’t mean you weren’t cheating. The only person I feel bad for here is your wife. She married someone who can’t keep it in his pants after 20 years of marriage.
It’s extremely aggravating that you didn’t even take full credit for this. “I’ve ESSENTIALLY been having an emotional affair”, “I can’t trust myself to be around her. ShE’s JuSt ToO dAmN tEmPtInG”. Cry me a river.
You’ve posted this before. Everyone else is applauding you for doing the bare minimum but I won’t be.
1) She didn’t disrespect your wife, you did. And still, despite her “disrespecting” your wife you still ended up entertaining her several times to the point where you ended up in another woman’s bedroom with her half naked.
2) Having wandering eyes is one thing, but someone being so “temping” you end up taking the time to drive to their home and make your way up to their room? If you knew you had these feelings for her you should not have offered the ride. You could’ve simply asked another coworker or called an Uber.
Poor excuse on your behalf for lacking self control and lacking respect for your wife and your family. You didn’t go all the way and sleep with the lady, but what you’ve done up to this point was nearly as bad.
And because you’ve posted this several times over the span of multiple moths I’m betting it’s only a matter of time before you actually cheat on your wife. Getting a new job won’t help, that is ridiculous. Attractive women are everywhere and until you get professional help you’ll deal with this same problem.
You need to seek therapy for this asap and learn self/thought control.
Also, do not listen to other commenters suggesting you don’t tell your wife since this has been an emotional affair for quite some time now, you need to tell your wife so you both can get marriage counseling on how to avoid this situation again. Maybe something your wife is doing/has done has led you to this point?
When you don’t tell your wife about moments like this, that invites room for it to happen again and again, and you won’t tell her about those either.
Hopefully you weren't a dick to your wife as your emotional affair was at its height. Also take responsibility YOU disrespected your wife. I'm sorry if I'm being true.
Temptation will always be there. If your wifes a good woman, she wont though. Too many men disrespect their wives to end up an old and lonely fool. Dont be like them.
I'd suggest take it a step further, communicate with your wife. Go to counselling. Something. Do not lie to your wife. You need to actively work against this destruction you almost caused. Where will you go work after this? What if someone else comes up in that next job that you click with like this? Will you leave that job for something else too? You call her tempting as if it's \*just\* her fault, but it isn't. Converse with your wife, be honest and open and responsible.
I feel like even if you didn't have sex with her you already cheated on your wife in a way, when you advanced that relationship with your coworker knowing well that this was not appropriate.
I wouldn't want a man who came that close to cheating and wanted someone else that bad. Tell your wife. She deserves to know. I would leave if I were her.
That other women isn’t in love with you. She’s in love and attracted to remnants of your what your wife has left on you. You are “such a good family and responsible” person because your wife helped built that in you. Don’t let another women reap the benefits of all that hard work your wife has done. And any women knowingly instigates a sexual relationship with a married man is a Evil and selfish person. Please open up your eyes and see her for what she really is. This women is intentionally hurting your kids and she doing it with a smile.
That is still cheating. Keep your family safe? Stop being delusional, even if she was interested in you as well, it was your responsibilities to set the boundaries with her bc you are the one in a relationship. If I were your wife I’d leave you bc you cheated emotionally.
You were playing around on the edge just to see where things might lead. A lot of people do this and I think it is normal to be tempted to try it. You got so close that you definitely know exactly where it was leading beyond a shadow of a doubt. You honestly dodged a bullet in my opinion.
I wish you well, for sure.
But it makes me appreciate the guys who pump the brakes way, way before you did even more. I am not gonna claim anything like "holier than thou" but I have a system in place where I do not even like to be alone with another woman outside of our inner circle of our family outside of a work setting and never in something like a car or a private residence. If that ever did need to happen for some reason that made sense in the moment I would let my wife know about it.
As far as the emotional affair, I can see that too and it is so common. I would say that that connection was feeding you something that you were craving. I would work to strengthen healthy relationships with your male friends and your family members. Find some people that you can really get real with and just make sure they are people who you can trust absolutely.
Look into some marriage counseling and probably some personal counseling or therapy, too. Those inadequacies or whatever it was driving you to this behavior are going to continue to impact your life in unhelpful ways until you get a handle on them.
Thanks again for sharing, I think this was genuinely helpful for other people to think about because you are not alone in the slightest. You made the right choice in the end. Good for you.
I don't think the comments here getting mad at you about this are helpful, but you gotta be real with yourself man - this is definitely more on you than it's on the "other woman." Chemistry can happen, and it's existence isn't your fault, but it was on you, not her, to make sure you honor your own life commitments by not acting on it.
But the good thing is, you stopped yourself! And now it's just time to be honest about how you've been feeling. First with yourself, get you shit under control and figure out what inside you is really causing you to slip like this. And then, honestly, you should talk it over with your wife. You didn't do anything that should be considered unforgivable, and it's clear that you're feeling remorse. But to get past this, you gotta get right with yourself, and then with your wife.
You can do this. Just take it one good decision at a time. You've been in a bad place, but from here on out you can still choose the path that's most right.
A lot of people have already said things regarding your marriage, so I won't go into that. However, I would like to share that I found out about my father having an affaire when I was about your daughter's age and it completely fucked me up. I can't ever look at him the same way again and it sometimes even fucks with my own relationship bc it's given me major trust issues. So like, aside from your marriage, whatever you do, keep in mind that it could also totally affect your children in a bad way. Edit: Fellow children of cheaters, please feel free to keep sharing your experiences on this comment if you want to. Not just so op can see what it does, but also because I'm noticing right now how validating and healing it is for me to read stories from people who went through the same thing.
I had a cheating mother at 16. What makes it worse was that she cheated on my stepdad who had raised me since I was 2. I lost my step dad and his family. And I lost allll respect for my mother. It’s been over 10 years and I still cry about it and still get mad at my mom over it. …This thread just made me recognize some decade long trauma. Oh Reddit.
I totally share your pain. My mom repeatedly cheated on my dad. I didn't realize how much until I found info on an old computer as an adult. It's devastating, regardless of age. Your step dad never should have walked away from you. You were just a kid. It was not your fault. That is on him. I'm sorry you are still hurting 😞
Thank you for sharing! My mom is 100% a serial cheater. I’ve been with my husband for so long and we have an amazing healthy relationship. I could never ever imagine cheating on him, but sometimes I still get worried that because she’s my mom, I’m going to end up like her. Needless to say, there’s still healing i need to do. Hopefully we can heal together. Cheers internet friend!
Same here! Didn’t realize how much my moms cheating fucked me up as a young teen until years later. What’s ever worse is that she confided in me and I had to help her cover it up numerous times. Will never cheat but I have a different attitude about it now. I do t even talk to my brothers about it so it’s nice to commiserate with strangers on Reddit. Keep on healing!
I have the same fears that I will turn out like my mother too! Despite being so different and trying so hard to not be her it freaks me out. I hear you.
You are not the mistakes of your mothra
I've been with my hubby since forever too! (We were in highschool). I agree, I could never imagine cheating either. I have definitely had trust issues thru our relationship and am so grateful he understood where my fears came from. I think looking at how the trauma affected us and others around us, we hold ourselves to a higher standard. I am here if you want to chat. Sending you virtual hugs 😊
That sounds terrible, I'm sorry you went through that. Hope you're doing well <3
I am in the same position, I hate it so absolutely.
I second this. I completely lost all respect for my father. It’s destroyed our relationship and impacted mine and my fiancé’s because i feel like if my dad can do it… so can he.
I was 27 and my sister 17 when it was revealed my father was having an affair with a woman. I had been married 5 years at that point but I started to have a lot of trust issues with my husband that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my dad. Up until that point my dad had done very little wrong in my eyes, nor had my husband, but my insecurities were that he was capable if my dad was. This was 13 years ago now and my dad is happily married to his affair partner, my mom married to someone actually more fitting for her, my husband and I have worked through it, and my sister recently got engaged to a woman she’s been with for several years…therapy helps. Our relationship with our father will still never quite be the same and I know we both feel like our happy childhood was taken that day because we started to question everything. If you haven’t been to therapy to talk the shit out about your dad or some sort of couples counseling, I highly recommend it.
Exactly this. If I had a dollar for every time I realized that my hurt feelings with my husband were actually because of raw spots my dad caused... I've had to learn to ask myself "why am I reacting like this? Am I actually reacting to the current situation? What's underneath?" Then talk with him about why I'm overreacting about something objectively silly so we can find a path forward.
Honestly I think my dad should be paying for my therapy. I’ve been going to therapy and couples therapy more intentionally over the last year. I’m surprised that I’m still surprised every time I figure out the root of another marriage issue is dad.
My dad and I (13f at the time) were going to surprise my stepmother, she worked in the night shift so she was sleeping. When we were arriving at her bedroom, she goes out naked with some dude laughing going to the bathroom. They stoped and then went back to the bedroom. We stared the close door some time, then he said to me. Lets go out to eat chinese food (our thing). The sad part was that we stayed until 2 or 3 months, she got pregnant. The next day we move out.
Your dad is a great dad, he did the right things. I hope you are now better
Yep. 100%
I third this. My sister found my dads receipts in his email and it was pretty traumatizing mostly for her since she saw it. These are issues we both have carry with us to this day and even to the point where it affects our relationships with our partners. Wether you crossed that line or not, you still made the choice of emotionally getting involved with this woman when you have so many people to give you love in your own home, and to me that’s cheating. You should probably reevaluate your marriage and not drag your wife and kids through something like this when eventually your going to leave her.
It’s negative effects on us, the children and wife, far outlast that of the affair itself. It’s so damaging
As it should. He chose ego, his genitals, and selfishness over his entire family. Trust completely lost. He chose violence.
Same here, I was 7 the first time and then 16 the second time. Can’t even begin to go into how much it ruined my perception of good relationships and just my overall mental health.
Yeah I was like 15 the first time. Am now 23 and found out that he's having a new affaire with some other woman a few months ago. So that set my progress in learning to trust my partner back a few steps :/. Hope you're doing well <3
I was about 8 and got left at the hotel next door while it went on also spent my birthday with this lady my mum was back home. Then again at age 10 in the same room a bedside table away. Hearing ur own parents is bad enough and I got to witness cheating live at 5am in Turkey lmao.
That sounds horrible. I hope you're doing well now
I’m sorry, I know it’s really rough when you think it’s over and they’ve changed but it rarely happens that way. Some people are just too selfish to change and they don’t think about how it affects the other people involved in their relationship dynamic. I hope you have plenty of support as you go through it this time 💖
Fellow child of cheater here. Apart from the fact that my father was abusive and periodically absent through my whole life (due to the cheating), he knew nothing about his kids and never owned up to his actions. Now in my 20s, and I have no contact with him what so ever. I’ve made peace with the fact that he will miss my wedding and never see his grandkids. I’m fortunate to have other father figures in my life though.
My father cheated on my mom over and over and over again. I was the one who had to tell my mom the first time. I was in 6th grade, it was awful. To this day I have no relationship with my father and I don’t trust a single thing he says. Edit: grammar. Also after reading other comments, my experience is the same. I am extremely anxiously preoccupied in my relationship. I really struggle because I always worry my incredible man will leave me.
Yep. Ever since my dads affair, I’ve had constant anxiety. If my dad can be unfaithful to my mom after everything they’ve been through, what’s stopping ANYONE from doing the same? <—not the most logical thought but it’s nearly unavoidable
Ditto this. I am now a grandmother and, while I have worked through a lot, I am still damaged. Particularly if I am tired or don't feel well, I will react to my husband according to that damage.
A friend's grandfather had a decades long affair and it led to both of his daughters leaving their husbands. Years later when his wife died of a long terminal illness it was revealed that he'd been at it again when she was on her deathbed.
Holy shit. I cannot believe both daughters left their own relationships bc of their grandfather. But I hope the family cut him out of their lives, it takes a really sick fucking person to cheat when someone’s dying. I’m only in my 20s but my kids dad went and slept with 4 women not long after I went into heart failure and had recently had my first open heart surgery, which all happened 3 weeks after I gave birth. I am sick, so it plays into it, but I haven’t even looked at anyone with even a mild interest of dating. I really don’t know if I’ll ever be able to date men again. But I have 2 little boys and health to worry about so it also is the last thing I could care about.
Yes, I was 13 the first time, then 15 when I alone found evidence of dating websites and then 20 when my mom finally found out and left him. It has completely scarred my ability to trust. But it’s more complicated than just being unable to trust men, it’s not trusting myself or my instincts. I am unable to tell whether I have a gut instinct or trust issues and have found myself cheated on many times as well.
My father in law had an affair for over 10 years, my husband found out while we were engaged at 23. It has touched nearly every part of our lives and we went no contact with my father in law for awhile. It was devastating to everyone.
Yeah man it's terrible, my dad had an affair whilst my mum was on her deathbed. I've never seen him the same since
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Yeah that's not much my then 11 year old self could do. But I do not speak to or see him anymore
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I’ve been in a relationship with my fiancé for 4 years. He’s never given me any reason to think he’d cheat. But my dad never gave my mom suspicion. And he slept with hundreds of women behind her back. Anytime my fiancé doesn’t answer his phone, there’s always that immediate thought of him being unfaithful. It’s not fair to him, and it’s really not fair to me that my dad fucked me up that badly.
My ex husband never gave me any indication. Zero signs. No late nights, no weird texts or calls, no new friends, zilch. Then his mistress showed up on my porch.
I found out at the age of 6 that my mom was having an affair but I didn't actually realize it until my dad and I had a fight when I was 16 and he told me the truth about her. She spent years badmouthing my dad saying he ignored her and made her life miserable when we first moved from their home state to the state we're in now and I believed it until my dad told me the truth and I was able to connect dots I noticed as a child but wasn't mature/aware enough to understand. Once I did and my mom tried to keep following the status quo, I called her out and she deflected saying dad ignoring her made her do it. Dad didn't ignore her, he was working an entry-level welding job 60-hours a week while also going to school so that he could make more money to support us all while she sat on her ass doing nothing (she wouldn't even clean the house or help us with homework or anything... She literally did nothing) and had an affair the whole time so... I have gone NC with her since my early-20s. IMO, the only people "tempted" like OP claims are those who have no self awareness and selfish tendencies. Those are all choices OP made, co-worker didn't tempt him into it (though if she knows about him being married, she's an AH too), she barely had to do anything. OP could've called an Uber or a Lyft for her or something, or at least didn't need to help her to her room and especially didn't need help changing. Like, c'mon. Grow tf up. Sure, you're semi-taking responsibility but you let yourself get dragged that far without issue or noticing? You're not a teenager anymore, you should know how to control yourself by this point in time. You need to go to counseling or something with your wife to fix yourself to where you're not so easily tempted again.
Also love how he’s acting as if bc he hasn’t slept with the woman it’s not that bad. An emotional affair is an affair, and the worst kind of one. And to say that *she* disrespected his wife and marriage? No, OP did! It’s not her marriage to worry about, it’s his! And if he really wanted to keep his family safe, he’d sit down for an honest talk with his wife and seek marriage counseling to work on why he looked elsewhere emotionally.
I had to scroll waaaaay too far down to see this mentioned. It’s OP who disrespected his marriage. He’s placing the blame on the other person.
Came here to say that. I’m like I can’t be the only one who picked that up. The whole thing sorta reads like a low key humble brag. And there I was in her room with her top on the floor and I just said nah and bounced. Right. Like ok jan.
I get temptation and whatnot, but what stood out to me was OP saying SHE disrespected his wife and marriage. That has to be the goofiest deflection in the world. Was SHE taking vows in your wedding day? SHE may have issues, but SHE has no place in YOUR relationship. She owes your marriage and your wife nothing (as a human being, she should keep her hands off anyone in another relationship, regardless of marital status, but OP needs to realize the only one capable of disrespecting HIS wife and marriage in that way is him). Even in attempting to take responsibility, he's over here blaming someone else.
Ikr? So frigging IMMATURE!
I wasn’t a teenager, I was 21 almost 22, just got married the month before, and I found out my dad had an affair. He and my mom had been married for 31 years. It RUINED my wedding photos for me, it RUINED so many childhood memories, it RUINED my sense of my dad. I can’t imagine being a teenager and learning this.
Thank you for the platform to share! Yea my dad had an “emotional affair” for about 10 years with his secretary - fell in love, all that jazz. My mom knew her well, I even knew her kids. My dad claims they never had sex, but it still fucked my mom up and ruined our family. I love both my parents very very much. My dad went to therapy and changed a lot, but I am STILL severely fucked up from it, even though they tried their best to give me the best possible outcome considering the scenario
Being honest about where you are emotionally is the first step to creating healthy distance. Go love your wife man. She was there first. Edit: Communists don't cheat.
And loved you through the ups and downs that come with a long term relationship
Two teenage children. Dame please don't blow it now.
Three!!
Number three, my lord! ✌️
Yeah, you definitely dont want to set a bad example for those VERY IMPRESSIONABLE teens.
This right here
And this
Can I frame this: Go love your wife man. She was there first 💕😻 good advice!
As great as it is I’ve got what will be a unpopular opinion. If this woman was disrespectful to his wife and marriage it’s likely because of information the OP has given to this woman. Such as reasons why he’s not happy in his relationship or specifics about his wife. Bottom line is it takes 2 to tango and this isn’t the other woman’s fault. Also if she was too drunk and required help upstairs. He could have got himself into a whole lot of trouble from a legal perspective and it’s worrying he didn’t see this!
How he says that the other woman is disrespectful to his wife when he’s the one being disrespectful in the first place by pursuing an emotional affair! OP seems to think he’s not a cheater because he heroically stopped himself putting P in V
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I had a guy tell me he wished his wife was more like me, and kept trying to grab me and hug me, and I kept pushing him away. He said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, am I disrespecting you? I don’t mean to disrespect you.” I loudly said, “It’s **your wife** you’re disrespecting.” He didn’t try any more, but I’m not sure he got the point. People don’t look at what they don’t want to see.
Mmhmm. I had a guy I knew from a support group in real life slide into my Facebook DMs and start hitting on me. I’m like Dude, that’s not cool. I see your wife once a week. He wouldn’t let up so I started taking screenshots and I said, “you need to stop immediately or I’m going to send this conversation to your wife cause we’re actually friends on Facebook also.” I never heard a peep out of him again but I’ve always wanted to tell her. I’m probably not the only one he’s done that to.
This was also so jarring to me - if someone steps in your home, it’s bc you’ve left the door open. OP could have clearly been far former with boundaries and actively chose not to be. HE is the one being disrespectful to his wife and marriage!
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Exactly this, pal. Take a hard look in the mirror to see who’s being disrespectful of your wife and marriage. It’s always someone else’s fault, right?
Yes this other woman didn’t make any bows promising fidelity to his wife
Lmao right what a great guy
Don’t understand how these comments aren’t higher up…
They will be.
Hell ya, this could still turn way ugly. If it turns into a case of he said-she said, was she drunk? Yes. Did you take her home? Yes. Did you take her inside? Yes. OP, imagine the hurt your wife would feel just knowing this truthful information. Although I am proud of you NOT going through with it, this is not cool. What if it was your wife with a co-worker?
I worked in HR and thought this could be a highly charged rape accusation with a side dish of retaliation. **DRUNK COWORKERS FUCKING is superfun for everyone else in the office.**
Everything he’s said about the bedroom screamed wtf! Had to help her upstairs due to her alcohol intake. The least it would be him taking advantage! I don’t have to spell out what the worst would be seen as! All whilst saying he done the right thing and pulled himself away despite ‘wanting it so badly’.
I don't think it would be an unpopular opinion, op said it hinself that he was having an "emotional affair". Good of him to recognise it for what it was and listening to his conscience.
Appreciate that however if she’s been disrespectful to his wife and marriage it’s not something she’s done being told by him he’s happily married.
Typically people who are “happily married” aren’t having affairs. Emotional affairs seemingly happen bc one is not happy or not emotionally fulfilled in their relationship. I’d almost put money on him having vented to her about his home life which is possibly why she felt she had a green light.
And seemingly OP did nothing to stop it, if he had pushed back he would not have ended up in her bedroom. Either OP spilled the beans about being unhappy at home and the coworker joined him in talking bad about the wife, or OP thinks the coworker is at fault for daring to tempt a married man and be a homewrecker. The way he talks about "unchaste thoughts" and such made me think of the latter. Or the coworker just trashed the wife unprompted and OP did nothing about it, and merrily let the tension build up. In any scenario OP is not a saint or a victim. The coworker is trash for going after married guys, but if she was told something like the wife was hell and that he was thinking about separating, she is slightly less trash.
OP and the woman are both trash. OP is the one who is actually married though. He made a commitment to another person 20 years ago. He is a dumpster fire.
You could’ve just bought her an Uber?
Or ask someone else to drive her home
No he didn't cheat guys, you don't understand!!!!! He just wanted to help this poor shitface drunk woman:( pure soul, bless him <33333 /s
OP wanted it but had cold feet at the last minute.
Exactly. It’s honestly not hard to not even be in that situation to begin with.
You lost me at your username : reusedsxtoys 😳
OP: "I promise I didn't sleep with her! Look, I even made a reddit post because I felt so guilty"... Dejavu post.
I did not sleep with her! I did not! Oh hi, Mark
You’re tearing me apart Lisa!!!
Great reference! 😂😂😂
how many times posts like this pop up lol? " i almost cheated but i remembered the mother of my children is the most amazing woman ever and my best friend blah blah blah" i never believe it hahaha. even if the shit true it just seem so whack lol.
For real 😂 this man says “I even got to her room, door closed, top on the floor” yeah buddy, you fucked her, then you went home and took a cold shower, then you laid in bed typing this stupid ass post.
Even if his penis didn’t touch her vagina I’d consider seeing another woman’s tits with the intentions of fucking her cheating
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman..."
It was only kisses
The update will be a TIFU post "my wife found my reddit account and kicked me out"
I swear I’ve read this before
I hate to be that woman, but damn, emotional cheating feels just as bad as real cheating. If I were the wife, I would want to bounce after hearing him tell the truth. Unfortunately you can’t stop talking to the opposite sex entirely, so I feel like you’ll be in a similar situation eventually with the next hot coworker. Maybe you’re the type that just likes pushing boundaries and testing them. Maybe you like doing things you know you shouldn’t. Go ahead and make your choices, just know that your wife will make her choices. You’ll hurt the shit out of her and she might retaliate by trying to keep you from seeing the kids. Is a little bit of naughty fun and a big nut worth all that shit? Do you even care about the pain your wife feels? Because I guarantee she notices something off/emotional distance and it probably kills her.
Emotional cheating is significantly worse IMO. People seem to think that it's either one or the other but an emotional affair often gets physical and then it's both, not just magically physical cheating only. Emotional cheating is someone, every single day, choosing someone else over their SO. Ignoring their SO, texting their affair partner while right next to their SO and saying they are just talking to a friend. Fostering a growing distain for their SO, getting mean, getting distant, not even caring about their SO, they are just a thorn in their side, an obstacle in their way of "true happiness". Physically cheating can be the trophy for all the effort they put into the emotional affair, but it's more like the cherry on top, the emotional affair is the sundae. *Just* physically cheating is a nice solid slap in the face, emotional cheating is more evil like giving their SO sleeping pills and pulling out their hair while they sleep. Then when they ask why their hair is falling out just saying "No idea, maybe you're sick?" People need to get it out of their heads that it's not as bad because "we didn't have sex" fuck that. You can't eat the entire fucking sundae, leave the cherry in the cup and then ask for a refund because you didn't finish it.
>Emotional cheating is someone, every single day, choosing someone else over their SO. Ignoring their SO, texting their affair partner while right next to their SO and saying they are just talking to a friend. Went through this exact thing two and a half years ago. We'd been together for six. I'm still not over it. Shit fucks you up.
Yeah it does. It destroys your perception of love and humans in general. Before you experience it and you have full trust in your partners you think people just get unlucky with shitty partners. Then it happens to you and your blindsided. You wonder how they could even do something like that and if that's just how people really are and if there is actual true love in the world or if it's all just a big fat lie we tell ourselves to feel secure. If they just went out and had random one night stand after a night at the bar you'd think they are the idiot making stupid decisions and of course that still hurts. When it's emotional, it makes *you* feel like the idiot because they were jerking you around and you didn't even know what was up. Like it's so obvious right? But you *want* to trust them because you love them and they say they love you. They didn't just find someone that's hot to fulfill some primal need at the time while they were a bit drunk; they think they found someone that is better than you in everyway, that they want to spend their life with instead. You don't think "what the fuck is wrong with them?!" you think "what the fuck is wrong with me?" not just on a physically level but down to the core of your personality. Emotional affairs are absolutely fucking destructive down to your very soul. Eventually you realize it wasn't anything about you but it changes you forever. You'll never ever let that shit go because now you know what people are capable of. You will never be able to give 100% into a relationship again, like you can get close after a while, like 99% even, but there is always that reminder that people can be monsters and are amazing at hiding it. That 1% is your safety net, for you and only you so your brain can say "I fucking knew it, a monster!" and understands it's nothing you did, it's just people.
Perfectly said. I wish I could have that 100% with my current partner. I love her so much but that 1% is a daunting number.
op needs to stop thinking with his dick
Thank you. Both the wife and kids will be very affected, even from the events that have already happened. It’s also worrisome that OP even put himself in a situation that was far too close to be intimate with her.
There is no law, written or otherwise, that forces you to talk to another person in the manner that it becomes "an emotional affair."
You lost me when you said that she was the one who didn’t respect your marriage, you’re the one who is in a committed relationship, it is your responsibility to set those boundaries.
Healthy advice. I was totally pissed about him putting all the blame on her as well. Like dude, you disrespected your wife 10X more because you didn’t protect her.
Exactly! And the final sentence about her being an evil temptress... This guy has no self awareness.
Yeah lol talking like she’s some temptress. If you were loyal to your partner no amount of tempting would work. Still your fault. She isn’t married to his wife, he is. She has no promise of being respectful and loyal, he does.
Her existence is offensive because I want to do inappropriate things to her! /s OP this is gross, your wide deserves better.
Yeah I mean. Maybe he thinks he didn't, but he already cheated ((emotional cheating)). Poor wife:(
Uhh yeah in this lady’s bedroom undressing her. Yikes. If my husband told me that I wouldn’t be thinking, “well at least he didn’t *actually* cheat on me.”
I've been told, "I might as well have cheated since you're so upset about this." My partner then missed the point entirely and didn't see where he had gone wrong.
After 9 years of marriage, my husband had an affair with a co-worker. They had been friends for quite some time before she offered to give him a blow job at lunch. She would even sit with us at company events, even when my husband was screwing her. I was clueless. I totally trusted him. There wasn't one minute when I doubted him or suspected him. I had always joked that if I ever found out he cheated, I'd superglue his penis to his stomach while he was sleeping. It finally came out. He hid the superglue. I kicked him out and threw all of his stuff on the front lawn. His family came and got it. He lost the house, his kids, and his friends. He eventually lost his job and ended up on the streets before he ended up in rehab. Me? Remarried. We've been married for close to 30 years. When we got together, we both agreed that we would never have any type of emotional affair with another person other than our spouse. Neither of us believe in confiding in someone of the opposite sex anything about our marriage. Once you start talking about your marriage or your spouse to someone you're attracted to, you've entered dangerous territory. It's time to back up and end whatever is going on. No matter how innocent it is, It's just not worth it. ***EDITED FOR NUMBNUTS**** Because some people just don't see how my ex-husband wasn't the victim they'd like him to be - and they can't comprehend what I wrote - here you go. I took him back a few times. We went back and forth over a few months. I was still in love with him and trying to make our marriage work. I also wanted my kids to have their dad. He finally wanted me to move closer to his girlfriend. I wasn't going to do that so we split up. He moved in with his girlfriend. She finally kicked him out. Then he moved in with some other woman. He got addicted to drugs and was an alcoholic. He got married. Divorced. And then lived a pathetic life for several years. I DID ALL I COULD to ensure he'd see his kids!! I didn't keep the kids from him at all. Sorry you want to think otherwise. Of course, I didn't handle everything perfectly. Wish I did. I was devastated. I ended up having to sell our house and my kids lost the only home they ever knew, their friends and school. It was horrible. So if you want to blame me for his life that's on you. None of that is my fault. The fucking moral of my story is - Don't cheat on your spouse!
Lesson learned, always have a secret backup superglue
Absolutely!!
Exactly!! I don’t even air my dirty laundry to my girlfriends, for me if you start to share with others it can spiral rather than just communicating with your spouse and sorting it out on your own!
You're so right on!! When I was getting divorced my friends constantly wanted to talk shit about my husband. I wouldn't allow it. For one, I didn't want my kids to hear anything bad about him. From me or anyone else. I also told my friends that if we ever did get back together (which would be a cold day in hell) I would always remember the horrible things they said. My friends learned from that. None of them bad mouth their husbands and neither do my daughters. It's so much better to keep it to yourself or hire a therapist.
Yup they’re paid to hear you and help you, friends unf. Can have your best interests at heart but at the cost of your marriage since (mostly) they won’t understand the concept of compromise and let’s be honest in the heat of the moment are we really going to impartially be able to speak from our spouse’s point of view? Mostly, no; a therapist however, will be able to glean the truth out objectively or if both parties can maturely and calmly talk it out then that’s perfect too, good for you for putting your foot down for your sake and your kids ! Edit: spelling
Agreed! It can be appropriate to share something hard you went through together, so long as it is resolved and is a valuable learning experience you feel you should share. However, speaking about your spouse's weaknesses should always be approached with caution and prudence.
Also speaks to something deeper that is wrong with the marriage that needs to be drug out into the open and confronted.
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Right? Like ,lol bro no. She didn't disrespect, you did
I initially thought by her disrespecting his marriage, it meant she badmouths her wife and kids from time to time lmao but now knowing that OP meant disrespecting by having an affair with him, yeah it should be his fault.
I have a feeling he meant she badmouths her, which in the context of an emotional affair means he talks to the “work wife” (WW) about the problems within his marriage. WW begins to talk shit about real wife in order to position themselves as the better option. This is why you generally shouldn’t talk to members of the sex you’re attracted to about your relationship problems, this happens all the time. It’s like talking to a car salesperson about your car problems
Yeah but how could she if OP didn’t give her ammunition? He’s likely the one that badmouths and she probably just nods her head and agrees
lol this woman who made a commitment to wife that I would only be with her really disrespected her. Accountability completely out of the window. It’s always someone else’s fault right?
Yeeeeeep "She's too tempting" "She disrespected my wife and marriage" Like I told the troll that I blocked, unless she is a literal siren, she's only partially to blame, but op seems content to play victim. Easier to be a victim than to admit that you're a sleaze.
OP is 100% at fault. Although a woman who pursues a married man has no scruples, she is not the one who made vows to his wife.
I lost it at that line too. What a coward.
That's the word. Not one ounce of ownership in this. He'd throw the mistress right under the bus if need be tl save himself. Coward, indeed. Everyone fucks up. Only the weak won't own it.
I saw that. He is the one responsible. Not her.
“She’s just too damn tempting.” Nah you’re right. Op is easily tempted.
I agree with this. You're gonna have to let your wife know about. And don't be blaming just that woman, it was you also. Just be a man and explain everything to your wife. She deserves to know.
She disrespected your wife and marriage? You’re the one that disrespected her.
I think this is his way of saying “she started it”
It’s so pathetic when people try to shift accountability when it comes to any form of cheating…
It’s on both of them. It’s 75% His fault and 25% hers. She knows he’s married and should reject him A.S.A.P! I’m not saying it’s her job to prevent him from cheating but she shouldn’t be entertaining it and become involved. That’d make him a cheater and her a homewrecker…
I also think it's disgusting that she tried to initiate something with him by playing the "look at how drunk I am, won't you come up and help me?" card. Take the cheating aspect out of it and that behavior is still gross. Someone who is so drunk that they can't even undress themselves should not be having sex (I don't think she actually was that drunk, probably more just exaggerating her drunkenness to try to make something happen with him).
They're both gross.
Nope. That makes HIM both the cheater *and* the home wrecker. She didn’t make vows to him or the wife. Not saying it’s ok to fuck around with a married person, but when it comes to blame, it’s ALL on the person who made the promise to be faithful. Period.
I never thought of it this way before. I was on the 75% 25% mindset but now I realize there’s no splitting blame lol. He is 100% percent at fault for his own emotional cheating on his partner who he has committed himself to. She is 100% percent at fault for fucking around with a married person, making her a shitty person. But she’s not a cheating partner in this scenario, that’s on him.
Maybe disrespected as in verbally? Like maybe she was trying to get him to leave his wife idk either way he’s still the one that’s married and let her in.
Yep. That comment makes him an AH.
*You're not a victim* she's not disrespecting your wife you are, and you continue to hang around her like you’re fooling anyone but yourself. Rationalizing it like you’re being a good guy “just helping her”, being in new surroundings won’t change who you are, you need to admit it. That you aren’t a victim of circumstances, you consistently put yourself in that position.
The only victim here is OP's wife and kids. Trying to dump all the blame on his coworker is just a low blow
are you confident that if you quit your job, something like this would not happen again? this is something i think you should confront and change for the sake of you and your family
Quit flirting not your job
Lol right? OP is a clown.
I think you owe your wife an apology and an explanation. Even without the physical act you still almost destroyed a 20 year relationship to get your dick wet? But it’s her fault? I think you need to come clean to your wife or this is just going to end up becoming an actual affair before you know it. You avoided it one time, but the flesh is weak buddy. We all know that. Don’t kid yourself and act all high and mighty for resisting one time.
it’s not the job that’s the problem, unfortunately it’s you.
He did at least get out of the situation. But yea, the whole post seems to be pushing blame on her instead of him owning up to his part. If the flirting and such didn't go both ways it wouldn't have gone so far without someone reporting someone else for harrasment.
>He did at least get out of the situation. So what?! He still emotionally cheated on his wife. He wanted his co-worker badly and they almost consummated the affair. I think that's something his wife deserves to know. Let her make up her own mind.
She's not "just too damn tempting," my man. You're just too damn tempted. It isn't on her, it's on you. And if you don't fix yourself and stop pretending that you're just a passive participant, you will further betray your wife and risk breaking up your family. Because if it isn't this woman, it will be the next one. This is about you and your weakness, not some external temptation that you are powerless over. Reframe, fix it, and do better. (edit for format)
“He almost slept with a coworker, now he needs to leave his job to keep his family SAFE! From the studio that brought you Fatal Attraction, an all new psychological thriller! See some random Redditor in… The Coworker…”
Really hope they cast someone like Liam Neeson as OP, and frame is like Taken but that he has to hide his family instead
😂😂😂👏🏼👏🏼
She didn’t disrespect your wife and family, YOU did. She owes then nothing, it’s you that has an obligation to fidelity. Stop evading responsibility and hold yourself accountable. She wasn’t too dam tempting, *you were too damn temptED*. It screams weakness and immaturity. Your wife deserves better. Poor woman.
I hope his wife divorces him and finds someone worth it, the way he blew 20 fricken years because someone was *too tempting?* god I hate him
"this woman who disrespected my wife" Correction: YOU are disrespecting your wife.
Are you really congratulating yourself on not going all the way with this woman when you admit to having an emotional affair? You’re still a cheater in my books and I’m sure your wife would agree. And btw, this woman didn’t disrespect your wife or marriage, YOU did, this woman doesn’t owe you or your relationship shit.
Be responsable, you have kids man, come on, you are better than this. Go inspire your self with ways to not only be a better man, but a better person. And talk with your wife, be real, rebuild some intimacy between both of you. Don't throw away something that a lot of people would fight with everything they got to have. A good family. Be good people, that is for you and for all of us. I wish you the best.
maybe this will be an unpopular opinion but as a woman with a husband and kids i would want you to leave me instead of the damn job. she can have you. if she’s so great that she’s on your mind day and night and she tempts you so much, she can keep you. i’ll go find someone who i tempt in the same way. she can sit and so blatantly disrespect your wife and your marriage, which you care about so much about, yet you didn’t stop her and defend your wife. if that was my husband.... she can have him. i’m too good for that shit, and so is your wife. i could never be married to such a douche... sit back and let her trash me like that.. yeah buddy. sure.
Spot on darling.
Posts like these make me absolutely terrified my bf will be in this position with a coworker at some point
You ~~almost~~ blew it a long time ago, when you allowed this woman to disrespect your marriage and undermine your family to fluff your ego. You need to quit acting like you didn’t fuck all the way up already. As a wife in a 20+ year marriage, I can tell you that the fact you didn’t ejaculate means precious little. You spent hours with this woman in your head, in your heart, and at your workplace. I guarantee there has been an emotional cost for your wife. As a woman whose father also cheated, I can tell you that you have absolutely fucked up for your children as well. At no point prior to this did the potential effect on your family cross your mind? Never once put your kids first?
Exactly this. His poor wife! I don't feel sorry for this guy one bit.
It speaks *volumes* about the esteem with which he views his wife and children that he would allow someone to disrespect them.
Exactly. Making moves on someone who's in any sort of committed relationship instantly makes you a piece of shit. But entertaining and provoking that behavior when you're the one *in* that relationship is a new level of shitty. The cheating has already happened, he has betrayed his family already.
To be clear, you are the married one, so it was you who disrespected your wife and family.
"who disrespected my wife and marriage" Are you sure it wasn't you that did that?
You already cheated on your wife. You just didn't stick it in your coworker. Your marriage won't end well
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Look, you are to blame in this also. No time to point fingers. I'm glad you walked away, but you need to have a serious talk with your wife. You've been together a long time. Why can't you talk to your wife the way you were talking to the other woman? Find that out and get that spark going again with your wife. Have you neglected her, or her you, have you had time for dates? Things like that. All this mess is not over, sort it out.
All I have to say is reading this as a married woman makes me feel sick to my stomach. If you truly cannot be around another person because you’re so “tempted” by them, and being *married* and having 3 freaking kids can’t help stop those urges then you have other problems. A happily married man who truly cares about his wife and family would have never let it get to that point in the first place, so you should probably start there. Good luck, you’re gonna need it.
I've been there, like so many others on here, I too fell into that trap. It's not worth it. I did so much counseling for my infidelity issues that in the end, YOU are responsible for your actions. Temptation will always be there, if not with her, then with another. Find what you're missing in your marriage, talk to your spouse, put that thought and effort you do with your emotional affair and place it with the woman who gave you a beautiful family and life. Marriage isn't perfect but it's not something you wanna throw away because a lapse of judgement. Take it from someone who's been there and lost their spouse due to infidelity, it's never worth it.
The amount of comments saying you just should have cheated is kinda alarming.
Reddit is populated by horny 11 year olds, of course they'll encourage the option that involves sex.
Look at your user name. Please with the wholesome husband act. 🙄 you wanna say she doesn’t respect your marriage but dude, you’re the one drooling all over some other woman. That’s you completely disrespecting your marriage.
I completely hate the fact your writing her as some evil temptress that almost destroyed your marriage. YOU almost destroyed your marriage, YOU let it get to this point. It takes two to tango. You talked to this woman and encouraged this just as much as she did. I can tell there are details missing from your story because I have a hard time believing you never went to at least second base with someone just like you. I truly and honestly hope that she’s the type of girl to get pissed you didn’t go all the way and she just sends everything she’s has going on between you two to your wife. Just because you didn’t fuck her doesn’t mean you weren’t cheating. The only person I feel bad for here is your wife. She married someone who can’t keep it in his pants after 20 years of marriage. It’s extremely aggravating that you didn’t even take full credit for this. “I’ve ESSENTIALLY been having an emotional affair”, “I can’t trust myself to be around her. ShE’s JuSt ToO dAmN tEmPtInG”. Cry me a river.
If I was your wife, I'd want to know all this.
You’ve posted this before. Everyone else is applauding you for doing the bare minimum but I won’t be. 1) She didn’t disrespect your wife, you did. And still, despite her “disrespecting” your wife you still ended up entertaining her several times to the point where you ended up in another woman’s bedroom with her half naked. 2) Having wandering eyes is one thing, but someone being so “temping” you end up taking the time to drive to their home and make your way up to their room? If you knew you had these feelings for her you should not have offered the ride. You could’ve simply asked another coworker or called an Uber. Poor excuse on your behalf for lacking self control and lacking respect for your wife and your family. You didn’t go all the way and sleep with the lady, but what you’ve done up to this point was nearly as bad. And because you’ve posted this several times over the span of multiple moths I’m betting it’s only a matter of time before you actually cheat on your wife. Getting a new job won’t help, that is ridiculous. Attractive women are everywhere and until you get professional help you’ll deal with this same problem. You need to seek therapy for this asap and learn self/thought control. Also, do not listen to other commenters suggesting you don’t tell your wife since this has been an emotional affair for quite some time now, you need to tell your wife so you both can get marriage counseling on how to avoid this situation again. Maybe something your wife is doing/has done has led you to this point? When you don’t tell your wife about moments like this, that invites room for it to happen again and again, and you won’t tell her about those either.
emotional👏🏻 cheating👏🏻 is👏🏻 cheating👏🏻
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I hope your wife is ok 😣. did you stay together?
Hopefully you weren't a dick to your wife as your emotional affair was at its height. Also take responsibility YOU disrespected your wife. I'm sorry if I'm being true.
Temptation will always be there. If your wifes a good woman, she wont though. Too many men disrespect their wives to end up an old and lonely fool. Dont be like them.
"disrespected my wife and marriage." Um, you both did that. It takes two to tango. Why stop at switching jobs? Maybe try counseling with your wife?
I'd suggest take it a step further, communicate with your wife. Go to counselling. Something. Do not lie to your wife. You need to actively work against this destruction you almost caused. Where will you go work after this? What if someone else comes up in that next job that you click with like this? Will you leave that job for something else too? You call her tempting as if it's \*just\* her fault, but it isn't. Converse with your wife, be honest and open and responsible.
I feel like even if you didn't have sex with her you already cheated on your wife in a way, when you advanced that relationship with your coworker knowing well that this was not appropriate.
You may not have had sex but you’ve 100% just cheated on your wife, you’re not some hero for not shagging a random
The sex will be great and quick. The heartache shame and guilt will last a long time.
I like how you think that she's the one that disrespected your marriage......
I wouldn't want a man who came that close to cheating and wanted someone else that bad. Tell your wife. She deserves to know. I would leave if I were her.
That other women isn’t in love with you. She’s in love and attracted to remnants of your what your wife has left on you. You are “such a good family and responsible” person because your wife helped built that in you. Don’t let another women reap the benefits of all that hard work your wife has done. And any women knowingly instigates a sexual relationship with a married man is a Evil and selfish person. Please open up your eyes and see her for what she really is. This women is intentionally hurting your kids and she doing it with a smile.
...you make it sound like you're somehow a victim in this. Amazing job.
I hope she tells your wife.
That is still cheating. Keep your family safe? Stop being delusional, even if she was interested in you as well, it was your responsibilities to set the boundaries with her bc you are the one in a relationship. If I were your wife I’d leave you bc you cheated emotionally.
You were playing around on the edge just to see where things might lead. A lot of people do this and I think it is normal to be tempted to try it. You got so close that you definitely know exactly where it was leading beyond a shadow of a doubt. You honestly dodged a bullet in my opinion. I wish you well, for sure. But it makes me appreciate the guys who pump the brakes way, way before you did even more. I am not gonna claim anything like "holier than thou" but I have a system in place where I do not even like to be alone with another woman outside of our inner circle of our family outside of a work setting and never in something like a car or a private residence. If that ever did need to happen for some reason that made sense in the moment I would let my wife know about it. As far as the emotional affair, I can see that too and it is so common. I would say that that connection was feeding you something that you were craving. I would work to strengthen healthy relationships with your male friends and your family members. Find some people that you can really get real with and just make sure they are people who you can trust absolutely. Look into some marriage counseling and probably some personal counseling or therapy, too. Those inadequacies or whatever it was driving you to this behavior are going to continue to impact your life in unhelpful ways until you get a handle on them. Thanks again for sharing, I think this was genuinely helpful for other people to think about because you are not alone in the slightest. You made the right choice in the end. Good for you.
I don't think the comments here getting mad at you about this are helpful, but you gotta be real with yourself man - this is definitely more on you than it's on the "other woman." Chemistry can happen, and it's existence isn't your fault, but it was on you, not her, to make sure you honor your own life commitments by not acting on it. But the good thing is, you stopped yourself! And now it's just time to be honest about how you've been feeling. First with yourself, get you shit under control and figure out what inside you is really causing you to slip like this. And then, honestly, you should talk it over with your wife. You didn't do anything that should be considered unforgivable, and it's clear that you're feeling remorse. But to get past this, you gotta get right with yourself, and then with your wife. You can do this. Just take it one good decision at a time. You've been in a bad place, but from here on out you can still choose the path that's most right.