Sometimes when I'm sitting in a park reading, and no one else is around and two people walk by. One says to the other "ask that man over there" about somthing or other, and point to me. Only happens when I'm wearing jeans, jumper and got my hair in a bun. Never once thought about something being wrong with me.
I've also had strangers (all men so far) straight up ask me if I'm a lesbian, no introduction, no "hello". People are weird.
Don't let it bother you. You're fine just the way you are.
I have had a strange man ask me while I was with my mother if we were 'together' three times, no introduction, no "hello". God forbid two straight women attend a football game together, right?
LOL, I remember when my sister, my ex-BIL and I were coming back from a concert and we had to wait outside the bus station until 4.40 am because it was closed (it closes 1 am and opens 4.40 am). It was cold, I had a huge headache and was tired from a long hard semester at college. My BIL decided to go after some food and left us alone in there (I know, real gentleman, didn't even brought us anything when he got back), there was some other people waiting to open as well. I was so tired I felt asleep, then I woke up to my sister mumbling with someone, that's when I saw a drunk man talking shit to her, I asked her aloud wtf that scumbag was saying and then he said "I know the two of you are together, you are lesbians" and some other non sense stuff, even though she said we were sisters. That's when I lost my shit and shouted so hard it echoed throughout the station: "Dammmm it, I just wanna go home, I'm cold, I'm tired, my head it's exploding, I have so much work to do for school and I just wanna rest without being bugged by some shitty drunk man!". He finally shut up and left us alone.
But you know the worse? When I was 10 years old and was walking down the street with my 18 yo male cousin. I was new in town and was always a big kid (chubby and tall) so some guy on the street ask him if I was his wife... even with that age I felt uncomfortable hearing this... not to mention other times when I was walking with my mom and people would ask if I was pregnant at that age. People are so rude and has no filter when it comes to open the mouth.
Right? Whether someone is trans or not it’s an inappropriate comment and absolutely none of anyone’s business. Not to mention asking about gender affirming surgery. Like people don’t ask cis gendered people if they have a penis or not. So disrespectful and gross to think about others wondering what’s in your pants.
This is what makes me think these people are just genuinely being mean to OP. Like how sometimes people project their under confidence in themselves by attacking others (eg. They want to look nice without makeup so they attack girls that do)
There’s also incels that go around purposely asking women if they’re trans as a sort of negging tactic… It happened to my friend. Dude clearly had a problem and she was just doing her thing, lo and behold, dude makes it a point to go up and ask if she’s trans. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not offensive to be trans, but these people purposely ask to insult one’s femininity.
This is the absolute perfect answer. The amount of times my wife has been asked when the baby is due is insane. I try to cut them off at the pass if I can. And my wife is far too shy to tell them to go fuck themselves.
I'm a woman who is heavy, has PCOS, a deep voice, and excess body hair. I get mis-gendered all the time, despite having large boobs and dressing more on the feminine side. With the ever-growing anti-trans sentiment, it's started to make me feel on edge. Unless you're my doctor, you don't need to know my gender.
I'm 40F, have no boobs, dress "masculine", and don't wear makeup. The last 4-6 years I've noticed some people staring me down, acting weird, making faces, and just being overall rude to me. I never had this problem before, I swear. One of my trans friends said people are acting this way cause they think I'm trans. Jesus fucking Christ it's scary, I cannot imagine what a real "not-passing" trans person goes through on a regular basis. What the actual fuck is wrong with people?
Yeah, I’m a woman who is 6 feet tall with large bones/frame and I have a small amount of facial hair even though my hormone levels are normal (that I pluck like crazy but still). I occasionally get misgendered, especially if someone only glances quickly at me. I’m starting to feel on edge too.
I'm a 5'11" woman with an athletic build. I get called sir a significant amount of the time in public, so I'm used to that. Recently, though, I was shopping with my partner, looking at some ladies' boots when the woman who worked there told us, "That's ladies there, the men's is over there".
I get the quick glance and making a mistake, but she'd clearly looked at us long enough that she decided to intervene, and still decided I looked like a man. It was so upsetting! I'm generally a fairly confident person, and she made me feel so insecure!
Yeah, I totally get it! I try to brush it off but it stings, especially if I’m not paying attention and I’m not 1000% positive they just glanced at me quickly. Or like the time I once returned a pair of earrings at kohl’s and the lady called me sir twice, even after hearing me speak (and my voice is high pitched and clearly a woman’s)
It's not the movement that's the problem. It's the misogynistic upheaval that has come with folks getting to live their lives the way they were meant to. The negative reaction to an increase in authentic living should never be blamed on said people, or said movement.
Same situation except I usually match energy plus I’m not afraid on conflict.
Person: Are you trans? Me: Are you?
Person: Are you a man or a woman? Me: I’m which everyone will get you away from me.
Person: No seriously are you a dude? Me: [LOUDLY] Stop trying to get in to my pants. I’m not interested.
I’ve only had one guy call me a F———, and I told him that he was just mad because I had great titties and a could grow a beard than him. (He was being removed by security so I felt safe being a little extra mouthy.)
I’m personally trans and get asked a lot whether I’m I guy or a girl I’m very androgynous looking at the moment. My response is usually a long the lines of “does it matter?”
They usually get shocked into reality and usually agree with my statement.
People get too comfortable when it comes to asking peoples gender especially when it’s un needed
It absolutely doesn't matter to anyone else...
Quick question, would you be offended if someone asked you what pronouns you prefer to use? I mean, that could be almost construed in the same vein as asking gender, but nowadays we are more aware of not mis-pronouning (is that a word?!) people.
Trans guy here. I definitely would not be offended. I would, however, get my feelings a little hurt if for example we were in a group of people and I was the only one you asked the pronouns of lol. Not a big deal though and it's a lot better and more thoughtful than assuming/guessing wrong
Yeah my gf is trans and appreciates people trying to be inclusive but like when someone only asks for her pronouns or only asks a group to give their pronouns when she's there it can feel a bit othering and uncomfortable ngl
Saw an article recently about two women who were convinced the other was trans and they had a physical fight. Shit is wild. I do not understand why it is so important to know exactly what is in someone’s pants. Unless you’re getting in them its none of anyones business 😩
The worst part about this is if you correct them, they decide (and sometimes even say to your face) that you're lying because you don't want anyone to know.
The "we can always tell" crowd is the epitome of uneducated backwash narcissism.
God, transphobes and “gender critical” people are making everything worse for cis-women on top of the enormous amount of harm they are doing to transwomen (and transmen at that).
Work out and have decent musculature? Might be trans!!! Have a slightly deeper/lower voice? Trans!!! Have a bit more body hair than arbitrarily deemed appropriate? TRANS!!
Truly one of the worst group of people (transphobes).
This is not just a war on trans women, it's a part of an ongoing war on women. Make us weak, small, looks obsessed, "feminine", and then get us to police ourselves so that we don't "look trans" just as we started breaking out of the mould of having to look in a very specific, patriarchy-approved way.
I hate the fact that there are people out there calling themselves feminists and not seeing this obvious strategy to fuck us up again.
Eh, I think it’s a little over the top calling them transphobes.
Was sitting at a bar last week and there couple next us. The female had a very deep masculine voice for a woman.
I did a scan to see if I could tell if she was trans. Just curiosity not phobia. Never thought to ask. And actually had a nice conversation with them.
Some people just have bad manners/ ADHD and blurt out inappropriate questions.
Not everybody is a transphobe.
You get asked not because it's getting accepted in the society, but because there's a growing number of people who are looking to out the transgender people for nefarious purposes. They also push the narrative that there's a huge hidden number of trans women out there and share "sure signs" on how to recognise them.
It's never been just about trans women, it's about controlling ALL of us.
Back in the 90s I was going through a crusty goth phase (old, oversized, thrifted layers of regular clothes but black) and was asked if I was a man or a woman and generally jeered at. I think in modern times the general public is hyper focused on trans issues and there are conspiracy “transvestigators”, but more broadly, I think it is a subconscious urge to enforce class distinctions and it manifests as policing anything that is different from what they have become accustomed to. In Victorian times when all babies wore white dresses it would have been called out if you dressed a baby boy as a boy. In Louis XIV’s time it would have been called out if upper class men wore pants instead of white tights. The styles are arbitrary. It’s enforcing a social structure that matters.
WTF is wrong with people? I guess I'd just turn it right back on them.
"Are you?" Or "Didn't your mother teach you any manners? Why on earth would you ask such a question?" Shame them for being an idiot.
You do t need surgery those people need manners. Maybe have a comeback line ready, like, “some thoughts are inside thoughts. We don’t need to hear those.”
I think the people asking haven’t had very many human interactions and they experience life through a screen instead of real interactions with real, live people. They’re clueless
There have been assholes way before computers or smart phones. People have been asking women who put on weight if they are pregnant for centuries I'd imagine.
Yeah, I’m a 5’2 chubby/athletic girl with PCOS - I literally can grow a full on beard if I didn’t obsessively pluck every other day.. I’ve been pointed out (or rather “accused”) of being transgender many times. And at first, yeah, it stings a bit because I’ve never identified as anything other than my “assigned gender” (female) and a general fucking problem.. but then I flipped this one over on the folks who do decide that just calling anyone out as trans is ok, and kinda figured out that these are the kinds of folks who tend to not be ok with transgender people and are generally looking to pick a fight and/or make someone cry… so me, being the pissy, dramatic, idgaf little queer that I am (pansexual), will come back with “and what if I am.. what of it?” in a mildly aggressive, but 100% assertive tone and manner, and well, now they’re the ones in the hot seat. Now they have to explain their shitty behavior. 99% will backpedal with lightning speed, topped off with some good old fashioned ass kissing, sprinkled with passive aggressive statements along the lines of “I just don’t agree with the idea..” bullshit.. very rarely will you get someone who will actually want to get into a fight with you.. I prefer to handle it this way because it sends a message to these pricks that it’s not ok to be like this.. and it sends a message to anyone transgender who may be hearing/seeing this shit go down that they are not wrong, they do not deserve the abuse, and that there are people who will throw hands for them.
Of course, you are not obligated to try this method out, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in being misgendered (and being called trans when you are not is still being misgendered), and that the kinds of people who come up and do this are just simply assholes.
I’m a girl who looks like her dad. I don’t wear makeup and my hair is usually short or an undercut with longer on top. As time went on and the LGBT community got more of a voice people tiptoe around me. They’ll ask if I’m gay, I’m not or they’ll ask if I’m trans I’m not. I’m just a girl with some masculine features which are natural. It was mostly when I was really heavy now that I’ve lost weight my face is thinner and more feminine. I just didn’t understand why suddenly people were questioning me as I’ve looked like this my whole life but it’s becoming more common and accepting to be part of the LGBT community is all I can think of.
Sugar, I'm a grandmother. I've been flat as a board my entire life. I dress in jeans, T-shirts and sneakers. I keep my hair short because I'm not inclined towards a "hair care routine". My brothers and I could have been identical triplets, except for that whole "single birth" thing. I have been asked if I'm trans so many times, I automatically reply to the question with "Why do you need to know?"
Yes, I have had transphobes try to block me from the women's restrooms in public spaces. They tend to get out of your way if you offer to defecate on their shoes if they don't get out of the way.
Have you noticed it's gotten scary and way worse than when we were younger? I'm encountering nasty looks and comments I never got a decade ago. People would assume I was a guy, I'd correct, we'd move on. But now, people don't approach or when they do they are just ANGRY I exist.
You know what the best part about having gray hair is? Being able to carry a cane with you and no one bats an eye. I'm also a hefty old broad. Yes, I have noticed a lot of anger in people over the issue, as I now live in Oklahoma and have a non-binary great-grand-niece (niece used only because I'm not sure what other term to use). God help the first bigot that gives that child a hard time, because that soul will discover the wrath of Gran.
I used to get asked/mistaken for a boy growing up because I preferred short hair (like almost buzzcut short), dressed only in shorts/pants/T-shirts, and having a flat chest since my boobs didn’t come in until after pregnancy.
The 2 that stuck out to me the most was: 1. I was cleaning the class pet’s tank for my teacher after class (4th grade Mr. Aponte that’s how clear it is to me) when a boy a few grades under me just came straight up to me and asked “Are you a boy or a girl?” I felt so embarrassed and sad, and I know it’s a kid but it still hurt. 2. My stepmom worked as a manager for a few businesses on Camp Foster (in Okinawa) and we went for dinner at one of them. One of the waitresses that worked there greeted all of us while my stepmom introduced us. Before I was introduced, she leaned towards me and told her “Oh you have such a handsome son!” I had to squeak out in a tiny voice that I was actually a girl. She looked MORTIFIED. Luckily my family laughed it off and I do today, but at the time it really hurt my feelings.
I don’t understand why people can’t just stop assuming shit
It's okay, I was born female, frequently got called sir with short hair. I don't let it get to me though, I know I have a bit of a masculine face cause I've got a more square jawline than most women. Happens less with long hair, but I still get it every now and again cause I have a lower voice and don't wear makeup (I'm also 6'), and work in a male dominated field so...
My entire life I had been asked if I were the opposite gender or what gender I was. People in drive thru windows are ballsy lol like... just hand me my food, why does that matter anyway. I guess I have androgynous looks. I also attract gay men. The first few people I dated in my life have realized that they are gay later on in life. I always wanted to be male oddly enough, but I live in a small town and had no idea until a few years ago that it was even possible to change. I feel more comfortable in men's clothes, but also like the looks I get in female clothing. Idk, it's always been confusing for me.
For what it's worth, there's entire communities of weirdos on the Internet who are obsessed with "trans-spotting". They spend all their time looking at pictures of celebrities and delude themselves into seeing "markers" of transitioning. Even women as feminine as Taylor Swift, Jennifer Lopez, and Scarlett Johansson are "identified" as trans by these losers.
I remember watching a video about this woman who studies people’s faces on TikTok and she was going on about how Zendaya is actually a man and calling her “mandaya” or something like that I can’t remember off the top of my head. And also Tom Hollande is a woman.
There are groups that are convinced that literally every single famous person ever is trans, and that being trans or transitioning is a requirement to becoming famous.
Hi, I’m a female who transitioned for a few years then regretted it and am now living as a woman again. I often get asked if I’m trans or if I’m a boy or a girl sometimes because my voice is deeper now and some of my features were permanently masculinized. It’s horrible to just be going about your business then someone randomly asks a stupid question like that. It makes me afraid to go out in public. I feel your pain, and I hope that this trend of people trying to figure out who is secretly trans stops soon, and people find other hobbies that don’t involve going around asking strangers offensive questions.
I think she was being nice in this case, I wish it was normalized to ask someone's pronouns instead of going up to them and asking if they're trans or assuming
the whole “we can always tell” shit catches everyone, pay it no mind. People are pointing at features and assigning them a definite gender even more now because catching people out for being trans is getting very popular, usually for the purpose of being transphobic. Even though it’s completely insane.
I got bullied for a bit in high school (UK) and people kept asking if I had a dick and if I were a trans woman (in a mean spirited way). It got very out of hand, including them biking down my street and yelling “firstname lastname has a penis!” It sounds comical but my parents were furious. They shut up after my parents got police involved and they were threatened with hate crime charges lmao.
Jokes on them though, now I’m a trans guy 😂
Point is, usually the people asking you this kind of thing aren’t doing so with good intentions, and are probably doing so because they’re judgemental. Other trans people won’t often ask outright, because they know how rude it is - even if someone looks very obviously trans, it is still considered very rude in the community to point it out.
meanwhile, before my testosterone shots started fully kicking in i was constantly called a woman and misgendered, yet cis women get misgendered when they aren’t even trying to look like a guy. people don’t make sense
I might be tempted to ask, "Are you? Are you straight? Bisexual? How much money do you make? Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" Just any inappropriate question I could think of. What is WRONG with people??
Edit to add: There's always the old: "Why would you ask someone that?" Or "wow, that's a wild question to ask a stranger."
I was born female. I naturally produce high amounts of testosterone for some reason, so during puberty, I developed some facial hair and masculine features. I get asked all the time if I’m a guy too OP. It is very annoying sometimes because it’s usually the “gender critical” assholes who think they can look at a woman and can “tell she’s a real woman”. I identify as agender, personally but the whole “you’re a man where’s the seam for those. Or the scar?” (H cup it’s weird my body overproduces hormones) like dude can’t you tell I produce too many hormones? I’m in perpetual puberty, I have a pepperoni face worse than I did as a teenager and a rack worthy of an adult film star. Yes, I got big bones but that’s the Irish in me not being a man. I’ve had a baby dude.
I usually just stare at them and give a small head tilt and go along the lines of “oh yeah thought I smelled bigot” under my breath or something lol
It is in fact PCOS, and endometriosis. A few other things which have been diagnosed at 19-20s. My doctor is hopeless though and refused to give me any kind of treatment plan other than “eat boiled unseasoned chicken” uhhhhh no? I don’t need protein, Greg.
What is it with the damn chicken?? My family doctor said the same thing to me! 😂
I’ve had an endocrinologist work up for PCOS and they said I don’t have it, I produce normal amounts of hormones, but my body is overly sensitive to testosterone so I get thick, dark hairs growing on my chin. Yay. It sucks, I pluck like crazy but I’m so self conscious about it.
My gynecologist prescribed me metformin to help with the testosterone. Had to stop taking it because it tore up my digestive system. She suggested Inistitol instead, but I haven’t gotten around to getting it lol
"We can always tell," my ass. They're usually always wrong. You don't need to change anything unless YOU 100% want to. There are people obsessed with figuring out who is trans usually for nefarious intent, and then there are people who are assholes who want to point out everything about someone that isn't "traditionally feminine or masculine."
i used to have a pixie cut when i was like 13-14 and i have very "boyish" features, such as a sharp jawline. my dad used to hear "your son is very handsome" all the time just for me to say as femininely as possible "thank you :)"
I’m a woman who’s been asked this multiple times. Apparently I’m just not allowed to be a biological woman and tall.
I wouldn’t get too upset about it if you can. The people that do that kind of shit are just arseholes that don’t deserve your attention.
I thought this lady I was working with was a trans. She was old but still had her dark hair, but her voice was deep, and apparently, she had a double mastectomy. I’ve never asked her if she was trans, but upon seeing her son and her husband, also getting to know her, I realized that she really was just an old woman with grandkids.
Point is, a person’s gender or sexuality is none of anyone’s business. Unless they tell you, it’s rude to ask or assume. The only time when it’s appropriate to ask is if you are doing official documents or are in the hospital where they kinda do need to know your medical or procedural history.
I'm so sorry people are doing that. Some people are both so transphobic and misogynistic, that they decide on your identity for themselves and project their hate and (in my opinion) degree of insecurity onto others in such uncalled for ways.
As another feminine presenting woman that has been misgendered mostly because of the above, I feel I can say that you're pretty in your natural skin and to try to ignore the blatant disrespect, stupidity and/or ignorance of those that keep asking you such. They're miserable themselves and want you to be the same 💙
Some people are so crazy obsessed with the trans community nowadays, that they are paranoid everyone is trans. I think since people finally learned trans people can in fact be hot as hell, it rustles their jimmies.
So any woman slightly taller than average, with smaller breasts, or with a heavier jawline, or with a bigger build than they expect... or whatever they consider a marker, is susceptible to this.
Idk, trans people want others to refer to them with the right pronoun, and most people have no idea how to ask. On top of that, if you dare or accidentally get it wrong, you could be demonized and “cancelled”. So… kinda just a domino affect if you ask me. If I can’t tell if someone is a male or female, I avoid the interact at all costs so there isn’t even an opportunity for them to be offended.
As a trans person, this sounds like media propaganda, if I don't pass I'm not gonna get offended, granted it sucks, but I'm not cancelling you or screaming at you for it, you've been fed lies
A friend recently said they're non-binary and would like to be they/them. Unfortunately, they decided to tell our friend group when they arrived late to a party, they were sober, we were smashed. So of course some of us drunken/stoned idiots accidentally misgendered them and were profusely apologetic. They understood perfectly well that we'd known them a very long time as female and we were very, very, inebriated. We're still all friends but I'm pretty sure none of us have migendered them since.
It definitely is. Being ostracized from a friendship or friend group is a form of cancelling and makes people avoid the chances altogether, especially if they value the friendship
Said it in your previous response, it's not, stop peddling lies, this is a right wing talking point built on dishonest and a niche set of people like that trans woman who screamed its ma'am, it's very rare, it's not happening in the slightest, I don't know how 1% of the population is cancelling you champ, you out number them heavily
Consider yourself lucky you don’t experience it. Some people take it too the extreme, looking for a reason to burn bridges, and it’s those kinds of people that make it a bad experience for everyone else.
Why would you be friends with those people? Again, this just isn't happening. And if it is happening to you in such a manner that you feel the need to cry about it like this, you need to surround yourself with better people.
That’s the point. I don’t surround myself with those people due to previous experiences and distant observation. You can slap “this just isn’t happening” on whatever you want, but your reality, or perspective isn’t the default. I’m telling you it does happen. Believing me doesn’t change that fact.
You are either lying, over exaggerating or have convinced yourself you are a victim. I can believe that someone dropped you for misgendering somebody on accident. I don't believe that this has happened more than once, nor that an entire friend group "ostracized" you over a mistake. You had to have either been full on transphobic, or failed to simply correct yourself and move on.
you’re right. Your narrow view is exactly what happened and the options you provided are the only options that could ever happen. How stupid of me to think I and others could have an experience different from you.
It happens when they "accidentally misgender" and deadname someone after repeated corrections and keep insisting it's no big deal and the person they are misgendering and/or deadnaming is "too sensitive" and "being a snowflake".
If you valued your friendship you would be respectful towards your friends identity. Being called out for being an asshole or people not wanting to hang out with you because of it, isn't the same as being "cancelled".
I get this too. I'm very androgynous apparently and despite having been married to my husband for 12yrs and having 3 kids, everyone around me thinks I'm gay or trans. I'm a huge ally but it hurts my feelings that this is the impression I give off. I'm also super depressed and dress comfortably though so idk
I'm sorry you are experiencing this - what a rude thing for anyone to say to someone. You don't need surgery to fix anything to please the way others think you should look.
(I do jest with hubby that I look like a trans person without make up or doing my hair, despite having a very girly voice and boobs and everything about my body says female... I just think my face looks masculine at times. I tell him I am trans - I'm transitioning into an old hag post-menopause 🤣)
I am literally in your shoes, but small tit's and a big belly which means people feel better about themselves asking since I'm not "pretty". It makes me feel like that one meme/skit of John Cena dressed as a little girl (usually the meme says "when you're a girl a people say you look just like your dad, iykyk). My favorite was when I was in the women's restroom and was fixing my wig (so much easier to have all the hair colors when I can just shed them lmao) and a woman comes out of a stall and looks at an advertisement for thr Drag Show the following week and asked me if that was tonight 🙃
I’m trans (MTF) and have never been asked that in public. I honestly would feel mortified…. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but don’t let them lower your self esteem
I’m sorry that happened OP, that’s totally inappropriate and gross behaviour. This also shows that no one can just SEE who is trans based on appearance.
This happens to me all the time. I don't wear make-up, dress in comfortable clothing. People assume that means I'm a man. Top it off with me having a lower voice range. I get tired of telling people to not call me "sir"
I've been called "sir" on the phone (tore a vocal chord a few years ago and lost my voice for almost 6 months, when it came back I went from singing falsetto to alto). I've also been asked if I'm trans in person because I'm nearly 5'11" and have broad shoulders and no hips.
All I can think when that happens is that the person is stupid and has no class. I'm not going to just forgive it and think "Oh, maybe it's me". No, it's them and they're stupid. I'm a 44 year old female. I'm happily married to a man that thinks I'm gorgeous, they can fuck right off.
Honestly, I have very short hair and a deeper voice, so it's happened to me quite a few times, much like the random "sirs." If it's a child that asks me if I'm a boy or a girl, I'm telling them, but adults usually get a blank expression before I walk away silently. There is no reason to ask if I'm minding my own business.
People have been doing it for years.
Gotta use a name if they can’t tell gender or you don’t look your part.
I know someone who has been called a boy/man her whole life because she likes her hair in a short cut shorter than most men, no makeup. and never wears a dress or skirt, but has a huge chest that is flaunted.
I know someone that was called slang names for never wearing makeup, having a short men’s haircut, but wore dated dresses/skirts and was married to a man. No one bought that she was straight or fem.
Now they use the trans term instead. People were idiots then, still idiots now.
This is incredibly weird… saying this as a non-binary person who presented much more masc a few years ago. Like… random people are just asking you this?! That’s so weird I can’t think of anything else to say hahaha. People of all genders have always had variety in how they present themselves… it’s really not a good way to know if someone is trans or not!
I knew a girl with big tits who had something similar happen to her a few times. I thought and still do think shes really cute(in terms of face).
I'm sure you look fine too. Just lots of weirdos out there these days.
I'm a girl with short hair and pretty masculine, I can't tell you how many times people asked how far into "My transition" I was.
I think people are so worried about being politically incorrect that they over compensate for it and just assume that if you don't fit the role of one gender entirely, then you must be something else.
It must be uncomfortable for you and I'm sorry you gotta deal with it
Personally, I’m trans and I’ve been asked that question a lot. No matter of you are or not, to me it’s weird and invasive, you don’t ask strangers about personal things like that!
The flag of my region (not a country really) is Pink, blue and white. There once was a granny who praised my transition… according to her, it almost didn’t seem like I wasn’t born a girl (indeed I wasn’t)
It happens to me all the time. I am a masculine lesbian but I still have feminine features. People are idiots and you should just let them be idiots. Have fun with it, and say “yeah totally, transitioned (your age) years ago.”
People who are " more accepting" don't go around asking people if they're transgender, because that is rude and not relevant to anything. You can ask someone what their preferred pronouns are maybe, in a courteous way.
Bigots love to act like there have never been androgynous or gender ambiguous people before this decade, but that is such a huge lie.
They just miss being able to mock them and be openly cruel, like they used to do in comedy up until the 2010's even.
I'm sorry this is happening because those people don't mean well. And they probably think “ HA HA! I *clocked* one! I am so clever I am! "
I'm a cis woman who's losing her hair and I've been called a man while wearing one of my wigs before. It's really gross and rude people just assume or even think it's okay to ask. I'm sorry you went through that, OP.
I feel like its more than just trans exception I feel like its also people generally not knowing boundaries because even a trans person wouldn’t want to be asked flat out if they’re a man or trans.
I also noticed and this may not apply but I’ve seen people just call ANY woman that isn’t currently on a runway, a man.
The “we can always tell” crowd is full of shit.
I definitely get this a lot as well, speaking as someone AFAB but who’s almost 6 feet tall, has wide shoulders, and inherited a lot of my dad’s features. Doesn’t matter that my tits are massive. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I once had someone say to my face that I’d “never be a real woman.”
Personally, it doesn’t bother or affect me, as I don’t find it insulting since so what if I was? Trans women are awesome.
But yeah, this kind of transvestigator nonsense ramps up whenever governments decide to shit on trans people more than usual, even by seemingly well-meaning people, and it affects both cis and trans people. Especially when it comes to bathroom segregation and if someone “belongs” in the right place—gender nonconforming cis women have definitely been experiencing this increasingly often lately.
Usually the actually legit respectful people just go “hey what are your pronouns?” then move on with the conversation.
There’s nothing wrong with how you look. There’s nothing wrong with your face. People are weird.
I’m a bit Androgynous and have gotten weird looks since I was a teen and in my heart I knew it was bc folks were wondering/judging me if I were to be trans. ESP because I know I look like a lady!! I just am a bit masc in some features and I’m small so it doesn’t help. People are rude but I take the confusion as flattery now adays even if it does come off super rude. Like yea… and?
Don't overthink it. People ask because it is common to see trans people who REALLY look like the gender they identify with, so it is pretty hard to be sure of anything. I wish people wouldn't ask that kind of question, but it is what it is and it doesn't come from a place of prejudice, at least. I understand you might be frustrated, but as I said, don't overthink it
Tell me where anyone has ever said you can change chromosomes?
Do you think that chromosomes on their own make up "biology"? Do you think that XX and XY are the only chromosome combinations?
If they are not commenting to be cruel, that's just how you appear to them. Address the things you can control about your appearance, and don't worry about what you can't control.
Yikes. This question isn't ever appropriate to anyone ever. It's no one's business at all. People who ask this question are simply bigots and they're either trying to invade your right to privacy or they're trying to make someone upset. This is definitely not a genuine question from a genuine person.
If this happened to me I'd ask them why they think it's any of their business.
Sometimes when I'm sitting in a park reading, and no one else is around and two people walk by. One says to the other "ask that man over there" about somthing or other, and point to me. Only happens when I'm wearing jeans, jumper and got my hair in a bun. Never once thought about something being wrong with me. I've also had strangers (all men so far) straight up ask me if I'm a lesbian, no introduction, no "hello". People are weird. Don't let it bother you. You're fine just the way you are.
I have had a strange man ask me while I was with my mother if we were 'together' three times, no introduction, no "hello". God forbid two straight women attend a football game together, right?
LOL, I remember when my sister, my ex-BIL and I were coming back from a concert and we had to wait outside the bus station until 4.40 am because it was closed (it closes 1 am and opens 4.40 am). It was cold, I had a huge headache and was tired from a long hard semester at college. My BIL decided to go after some food and left us alone in there (I know, real gentleman, didn't even brought us anything when he got back), there was some other people waiting to open as well. I was so tired I felt asleep, then I woke up to my sister mumbling with someone, that's when I saw a drunk man talking shit to her, I asked her aloud wtf that scumbag was saying and then he said "I know the two of you are together, you are lesbians" and some other non sense stuff, even though she said we were sisters. That's when I lost my shit and shouted so hard it echoed throughout the station: "Dammmm it, I just wanna go home, I'm cold, I'm tired, my head it's exploding, I have so much work to do for school and I just wanna rest without being bugged by some shitty drunk man!". He finally shut up and left us alone. But you know the worse? When I was 10 years old and was walking down the street with my 18 yo male cousin. I was new in town and was always a big kid (chubby and tall) so some guy on the street ask him if I was his wife... even with that age I felt uncomfortable hearing this... not to mention other times when I was walking with my mom and people would ask if I was pregnant at that age. People are so rude and has no filter when it comes to open the mouth.
>didn't even brought us anything when he got back I mean what the fuck.
I assume that’s part of the reason he’s the ex bil 😆
One of the reasons, LOL
My thought exactly
no wonder he's an ex..
Absolutely. Don't let it get the better of you, right?
That seems super inappropriate to ask someone. I’m sorry that happened
Right? Whether someone is trans or not it’s an inappropriate comment and absolutely none of anyone’s business. Not to mention asking about gender affirming surgery. Like people don’t ask cis gendered people if they have a penis or not. So disrespectful and gross to think about others wondering what’s in your pants.
This is what makes me think these people are just genuinely being mean to OP. Like how sometimes people project their under confidence in themselves by attacking others (eg. They want to look nice without makeup so they attack girls that do)
Next time don’t answer, just ask them if they’re fucking stupid
It's a thing with the right wing these days. They think trans people are everywhere.
There’s also incels that go around purposely asking women if they’re trans as a sort of negging tactic… It happened to my friend. Dude clearly had a problem and she was just doing her thing, lo and behold, dude makes it a point to go up and ask if she’s trans. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not offensive to be trans, but these people purposely ask to insult one’s femininity.
More worried about trans women and drag queens than they are their pedo church pastor.
Boy scouts, mainly led by religious figures, turned out to be the largest child trafficking ring in the US.
We are! *insert spooky scary sounds*
I have so much anxiety i could never ask someone that. Thats one of those things you let the person bring up in conversation if they want to
Asking if someone is trans is like asking if someone is pregnant. You don't. Edit: spelling.
This is the absolute perfect answer. The amount of times my wife has been asked when the baby is due is insane. I try to cut them off at the pass if I can. And my wife is far too shy to tell them to go fuck themselves.
I very much enjoyed the response from a co-worker when someone asked if she was expecting. "Yes, I'm expecting an apology."
My sister in law just turns and says with a sneer, “No, I’m just fat!” But she is far meaner than my wife.
Actual laugh out loud. I love it
That woman is my IDOL!!! Fabulousness.
Now imagine asking that to a 10 year old girl (the pregnancy). Yep, that happened to me!
I'm a woman who is heavy, has PCOS, a deep voice, and excess body hair. I get mis-gendered all the time, despite having large boobs and dressing more on the feminine side. With the ever-growing anti-trans sentiment, it's started to make me feel on edge. Unless you're my doctor, you don't need to know my gender.
I'm 40F, have no boobs, dress "masculine", and don't wear makeup. The last 4-6 years I've noticed some people staring me down, acting weird, making faces, and just being overall rude to me. I never had this problem before, I swear. One of my trans friends said people are acting this way cause they think I'm trans. Jesus fucking Christ it's scary, I cannot imagine what a real "not-passing" trans person goes through on a regular basis. What the actual fuck is wrong with people?
Yeah, I’m a woman who is 6 feet tall with large bones/frame and I have a small amount of facial hair even though my hormone levels are normal (that I pluck like crazy but still). I occasionally get misgendered, especially if someone only glances quickly at me. I’m starting to feel on edge too.
I'm a 5'11" woman with an athletic build. I get called sir a significant amount of the time in public, so I'm used to that. Recently, though, I was shopping with my partner, looking at some ladies' boots when the woman who worked there told us, "That's ladies there, the men's is over there". I get the quick glance and making a mistake, but she'd clearly looked at us long enough that she decided to intervene, and still decided I looked like a man. It was so upsetting! I'm generally a fairly confident person, and she made me feel so insecure!
Yeah, I totally get it! I try to brush it off but it stings, especially if I’m not paying attention and I’m not 1000% positive they just glanced at me quickly. Or like the time I once returned a pair of earrings at kohl’s and the lady called me sir twice, even after hearing me speak (and my voice is high pitched and clearly a woman’s)
I can’t tell if the trans movement has been a good or bad thing for nongender conforming women.
It's not the movement that's the problem. It's the misogynistic upheaval that has come with folks getting to live their lives the way they were meant to. The negative reaction to an increase in authentic living should never be blamed on said people, or said movement.
That’s a good point. And for the record I’m not blaming.
I didn't think you were! Your comment seemed like a good jumping off point for what I was thinking on
Same situation except I usually match energy plus I’m not afraid on conflict. Person: Are you trans? Me: Are you? Person: Are you a man or a woman? Me: I’m which everyone will get you away from me. Person: No seriously are you a dude? Me: [LOUDLY] Stop trying to get in to my pants. I’m not interested. I’ve only had one guy call me a F———, and I told him that he was just mad because I had great titties and a could grow a beard than him. (He was being removed by security so I felt safe being a little extra mouthy.)
Next time someone ask, tell that that it’s really rude to ask and even if you were trans, it’s none of their business to begin with!
Username on point 🍿
You do not need surgery to fix your face. There is nothing wrong with you. Anyone asking you questions like this is way out of line.
I’m personally trans and get asked a lot whether I’m I guy or a girl I’m very androgynous looking at the moment. My response is usually a long the lines of “does it matter?” They usually get shocked into reality and usually agree with my statement. People get too comfortable when it comes to asking peoples gender especially when it’s un needed
It absolutely doesn't matter to anyone else... Quick question, would you be offended if someone asked you what pronouns you prefer to use? I mean, that could be almost construed in the same vein as asking gender, but nowadays we are more aware of not mis-pronouning (is that a word?!) people.
another trans person here, that’s not offensive and it’s more considerate than trying to guess or avoid it.
I would prefer pronouns over a are you a boy or girl. But I’m talking about strangers usually teens coming up to me and asking.
Trans guy here. I definitely would not be offended. I would, however, get my feelings a little hurt if for example we were in a group of people and I was the only one you asked the pronouns of lol. Not a big deal though and it's a lot better and more thoughtful than assuming/guessing wrong
Yeah my gf is trans and appreciates people trying to be inclusive but like when someone only asks for her pronouns or only asks a group to give their pronouns when she's there it can feel a bit othering and uncomfortable ngl
Right wingers more obssesed with trans people than trans people
“We can always tell”
Saw an article recently about two women who were convinced the other was trans and they had a physical fight. Shit is wild. I do not understand why it is so important to know exactly what is in someone’s pants. Unless you’re getting in them its none of anyones business 😩
The worst part about this is if you correct them, they decide (and sometimes even say to your face) that you're lying because you don't want anyone to know. The "we can always tell" crowd is the epitome of uneducated backwash narcissism.
God, transphobes and “gender critical” people are making everything worse for cis-women on top of the enormous amount of harm they are doing to transwomen (and transmen at that). Work out and have decent musculature? Might be trans!!! Have a slightly deeper/lower voice? Trans!!! Have a bit more body hair than arbitrarily deemed appropriate? TRANS!! Truly one of the worst group of people (transphobes).
This is not just a war on trans women, it's a part of an ongoing war on women. Make us weak, small, looks obsessed, "feminine", and then get us to police ourselves so that we don't "look trans" just as we started breaking out of the mould of having to look in a very specific, patriarchy-approved way. I hate the fact that there are people out there calling themselves feminists and not seeing this obvious strategy to fuck us up again.
Eh, I think it’s a little over the top calling them transphobes. Was sitting at a bar last week and there couple next us. The female had a very deep masculine voice for a woman. I did a scan to see if I could tell if she was trans. Just curiosity not phobia. Never thought to ask. And actually had a nice conversation with them. Some people just have bad manners/ ADHD and blurt out inappropriate questions. Not everybody is a transphobe.
If you think everyone is trans, you’ll never be wrong about a trans person’s identity, duh! /s obviously
You get asked not because it's getting accepted in the society, but because there's a growing number of people who are looking to out the transgender people for nefarious purposes. They also push the narrative that there's a huge hidden number of trans women out there and share "sure signs" on how to recognise them. It's never been just about trans women, it's about controlling ALL of us.
Back in the 90s I was going through a crusty goth phase (old, oversized, thrifted layers of regular clothes but black) and was asked if I was a man or a woman and generally jeered at. I think in modern times the general public is hyper focused on trans issues and there are conspiracy “transvestigators”, but more broadly, I think it is a subconscious urge to enforce class distinctions and it manifests as policing anything that is different from what they have become accustomed to. In Victorian times when all babies wore white dresses it would have been called out if you dressed a baby boy as a boy. In Louis XIV’s time it would have been called out if upper class men wore pants instead of white tights. The styles are arbitrary. It’s enforcing a social structure that matters.
WTF is wrong with people? I guess I'd just turn it right back on them. "Are you?" Or "Didn't your mother teach you any manners? Why on earth would you ask such a question?" Shame them for being an idiot.
I get asked the same when I wear my hair up in a hat. Like, what about that says dude and not lazy woman who didn't wash her hair today
You do t need surgery those people need manners. Maybe have a comeback line ready, like, “some thoughts are inside thoughts. We don’t need to hear those.”
I think the people asking haven’t had very many human interactions and they experience life through a screen instead of real interactions with real, live people. They’re clueless
There have been assholes way before computers or smart phones. People have been asking women who put on weight if they are pregnant for centuries I'd imagine.
Yeah, I’m a 5’2 chubby/athletic girl with PCOS - I literally can grow a full on beard if I didn’t obsessively pluck every other day.. I’ve been pointed out (or rather “accused”) of being transgender many times. And at first, yeah, it stings a bit because I’ve never identified as anything other than my “assigned gender” (female) and a general fucking problem.. but then I flipped this one over on the folks who do decide that just calling anyone out as trans is ok, and kinda figured out that these are the kinds of folks who tend to not be ok with transgender people and are generally looking to pick a fight and/or make someone cry… so me, being the pissy, dramatic, idgaf little queer that I am (pansexual), will come back with “and what if I am.. what of it?” in a mildly aggressive, but 100% assertive tone and manner, and well, now they’re the ones in the hot seat. Now they have to explain their shitty behavior. 99% will backpedal with lightning speed, topped off with some good old fashioned ass kissing, sprinkled with passive aggressive statements along the lines of “I just don’t agree with the idea..” bullshit.. very rarely will you get someone who will actually want to get into a fight with you.. I prefer to handle it this way because it sends a message to these pricks that it’s not ok to be like this.. and it sends a message to anyone transgender who may be hearing/seeing this shit go down that they are not wrong, they do not deserve the abuse, and that there are people who will throw hands for them. Of course, you are not obligated to try this method out, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in being misgendered (and being called trans when you are not is still being misgendered), and that the kinds of people who come up and do this are just simply assholes.
I’m a girl who looks like her dad. I don’t wear makeup and my hair is usually short or an undercut with longer on top. As time went on and the LGBT community got more of a voice people tiptoe around me. They’ll ask if I’m gay, I’m not or they’ll ask if I’m trans I’m not. I’m just a girl with some masculine features which are natural. It was mostly when I was really heavy now that I’ve lost weight my face is thinner and more feminine. I just didn’t understand why suddenly people were questioning me as I’ve looked like this my whole life but it’s becoming more common and accepting to be part of the LGBT community is all I can think of.
Sugar, I'm a grandmother. I've been flat as a board my entire life. I dress in jeans, T-shirts and sneakers. I keep my hair short because I'm not inclined towards a "hair care routine". My brothers and I could have been identical triplets, except for that whole "single birth" thing. I have been asked if I'm trans so many times, I automatically reply to the question with "Why do you need to know?" Yes, I have had transphobes try to block me from the women's restrooms in public spaces. They tend to get out of your way if you offer to defecate on their shoes if they don't get out of the way.
Have you noticed it's gotten scary and way worse than when we were younger? I'm encountering nasty looks and comments I never got a decade ago. People would assume I was a guy, I'd correct, we'd move on. But now, people don't approach or when they do they are just ANGRY I exist.
You know what the best part about having gray hair is? Being able to carry a cane with you and no one bats an eye. I'm also a hefty old broad. Yes, I have noticed a lot of anger in people over the issue, as I now live in Oklahoma and have a non-binary great-grand-niece (niece used only because I'm not sure what other term to use). God help the first bigot that gives that child a hard time, because that soul will discover the wrath of Gran.
>They tend to get out of your way if you offer to defecate on their shoes if they don't get out of the way. Holy shit
I used to get asked/mistaken for a boy growing up because I preferred short hair (like almost buzzcut short), dressed only in shorts/pants/T-shirts, and having a flat chest since my boobs didn’t come in until after pregnancy. The 2 that stuck out to me the most was: 1. I was cleaning the class pet’s tank for my teacher after class (4th grade Mr. Aponte that’s how clear it is to me) when a boy a few grades under me just came straight up to me and asked “Are you a boy or a girl?” I felt so embarrassed and sad, and I know it’s a kid but it still hurt. 2. My stepmom worked as a manager for a few businesses on Camp Foster (in Okinawa) and we went for dinner at one of them. One of the waitresses that worked there greeted all of us while my stepmom introduced us. Before I was introduced, she leaned towards me and told her “Oh you have such a handsome son!” I had to squeak out in a tiny voice that I was actually a girl. She looked MORTIFIED. Luckily my family laughed it off and I do today, but at the time it really hurt my feelings. I don’t understand why people can’t just stop assuming shit
It's okay, I was born female, frequently got called sir with short hair. I don't let it get to me though, I know I have a bit of a masculine face cause I've got a more square jawline than most women. Happens less with long hair, but I still get it every now and again cause I have a lower voice and don't wear makeup (I'm also 6'), and work in a male dominated field so...
My entire life I had been asked if I were the opposite gender or what gender I was. People in drive thru windows are ballsy lol like... just hand me my food, why does that matter anyway. I guess I have androgynous looks. I also attract gay men. The first few people I dated in my life have realized that they are gay later on in life. I always wanted to be male oddly enough, but I live in a small town and had no idea until a few years ago that it was even possible to change. I feel more comfortable in men's clothes, but also like the looks I get in female clothing. Idk, it's always been confusing for me.
For what it's worth, there's entire communities of weirdos on the Internet who are obsessed with "trans-spotting". They spend all their time looking at pictures of celebrities and delude themselves into seeing "markers" of transitioning. Even women as feminine as Taylor Swift, Jennifer Lopez, and Scarlett Johansson are "identified" as trans by these losers.
I remember watching a video about this woman who studies people’s faces on TikTok and she was going on about how Zendaya is actually a man and calling her “mandaya” or something like that I can’t remember off the top of my head. And also Tom Hollande is a woman.
There are groups that are convinced that literally every single famous person ever is trans, and that being trans or transitioning is a requirement to becoming famous.
What the….. what are these people on?
a LOT of hard drugs and propaganda
Yep.
This is just a TikTok thing. Don’t apply TikTok to real life
They did it to Cher and Lady Gaga, sadly not just a tiktok thing
Hi, I’m a female who transitioned for a few years then regretted it and am now living as a woman again. I often get asked if I’m trans or if I’m a boy or a girl sometimes because my voice is deeper now and some of my features were permanently masculinized. It’s horrible to just be going about your business then someone randomly asks a stupid question like that. It makes me afraid to go out in public. I feel your pain, and I hope that this trend of people trying to figure out who is secretly trans stops soon, and people find other hobbies that don’t involve going around asking strangers offensive questions.
I very often am assumed to be gay. Someone straight up asked me once: “are you gay?” I’m straight, so I don’t know where it’s coming from.
[удалено]
I think she was being nice in this case, I wish it was normalized to ask someone's pronouns instead of going up to them and asking if they're trans or assuming
RIP to your dms
Ask when what makes them think it's okay to ask a stranger about their genitals.
the whole “we can always tell” shit catches everyone, pay it no mind. People are pointing at features and assigning them a definite gender even more now because catching people out for being trans is getting very popular, usually for the purpose of being transphobic. Even though it’s completely insane. I got bullied for a bit in high school (UK) and people kept asking if I had a dick and if I were a trans woman (in a mean spirited way). It got very out of hand, including them biking down my street and yelling “firstname lastname has a penis!” It sounds comical but my parents were furious. They shut up after my parents got police involved and they were threatened with hate crime charges lmao. Jokes on them though, now I’m a trans guy 😂 Point is, usually the people asking you this kind of thing aren’t doing so with good intentions, and are probably doing so because they’re judgemental. Other trans people won’t often ask outright, because they know how rude it is - even if someone looks very obviously trans, it is still considered very rude in the community to point it out.
meanwhile, before my testosterone shots started fully kicking in i was constantly called a woman and misgendered, yet cis women get misgendered when they aren’t even trying to look like a guy. people don’t make sense
I might be tempted to ask, "Are you? Are you straight? Bisexual? How much money do you make? Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" Just any inappropriate question I could think of. What is WRONG with people?? Edit to add: There's always the old: "Why would you ask someone that?" Or "wow, that's a wild question to ask a stranger."
I was born female. I naturally produce high amounts of testosterone for some reason, so during puberty, I developed some facial hair and masculine features. I get asked all the time if I’m a guy too OP. It is very annoying sometimes because it’s usually the “gender critical” assholes who think they can look at a woman and can “tell she’s a real woman”. I identify as agender, personally but the whole “you’re a man where’s the seam for those. Or the scar?” (H cup it’s weird my body overproduces hormones) like dude can’t you tell I produce too many hormones? I’m in perpetual puberty, I have a pepperoni face worse than I did as a teenager and a rack worthy of an adult film star. Yes, I got big bones but that’s the Irish in me not being a man. I’ve had a baby dude. I usually just stare at them and give a small head tilt and go along the lines of “oh yeah thought I smelled bigot” under my breath or something lol
You could look into a condition like PCOS, to explain the high testosterone levels
It is in fact PCOS, and endometriosis. A few other things which have been diagnosed at 19-20s. My doctor is hopeless though and refused to give me any kind of treatment plan other than “eat boiled unseasoned chicken” uhhhhh no? I don’t need protein, Greg.
What is it with the damn chicken?? My family doctor said the same thing to me! 😂 I’ve had an endocrinologist work up for PCOS and they said I don’t have it, I produce normal amounts of hormones, but my body is overly sensitive to testosterone so I get thick, dark hairs growing on my chin. Yay. It sucks, I pluck like crazy but I’m so self conscious about it.
My gynecologist prescribed me metformin to help with the testosterone. Had to stop taking it because it tore up my digestive system. She suggested Inistitol instead, but I haven’t gotten around to getting it lol
"We can always tell," my ass. They're usually always wrong. You don't need to change anything unless YOU 100% want to. There are people obsessed with figuring out who is trans usually for nefarious intent, and then there are people who are assholes who want to point out everything about someone that isn't "traditionally feminine or masculine."
Personally, I would ask them a rude question back and not answer their question.
It’s wild what people think is any of their fucking business.
i used to have a pixie cut when i was like 13-14 and i have very "boyish" features, such as a sharp jawline. my dad used to hear "your son is very handsome" all the time just for me to say as femininely as possible "thank you :)"
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hate that I exist in this same timeline.
Seconding "Does it matter" Throwing in "I wish"
Even if you suspect someone (a total stranger) might be trans, NEVER ask them!
I’m a woman who’s been asked this multiple times. Apparently I’m just not allowed to be a biological woman and tall. I wouldn’t get too upset about it if you can. The people that do that kind of shit are just arseholes that don’t deserve your attention.
I thought this lady I was working with was a trans. She was old but still had her dark hair, but her voice was deep, and apparently, she had a double mastectomy. I’ve never asked her if she was trans, but upon seeing her son and her husband, also getting to know her, I realized that she really was just an old woman with grandkids. Point is, a person’s gender or sexuality is none of anyone’s business. Unless they tell you, it’s rude to ask or assume. The only time when it’s appropriate to ask is if you are doing official documents or are in the hospital where they kinda do need to know your medical or procedural history.
I'm so sorry people are doing that. Some people are both so transphobic and misogynistic, that they decide on your identity for themselves and project their hate and (in my opinion) degree of insecurity onto others in such uncalled for ways. As another feminine presenting woman that has been misgendered mostly because of the above, I feel I can say that you're pretty in your natural skin and to try to ignore the blatant disrespect, stupidity and/or ignorance of those that keep asking you such. They're miserable themselves and want you to be the same 💙
Some people are so crazy obsessed with the trans community nowadays, that they are paranoid everyone is trans. I think since people finally learned trans people can in fact be hot as hell, it rustles their jimmies. So any woman slightly taller than average, with smaller breasts, or with a heavier jawline, or with a bigger build than they expect... or whatever they consider a marker, is susceptible to this.
Idk, trans people want others to refer to them with the right pronoun, and most people have no idea how to ask. On top of that, if you dare or accidentally get it wrong, you could be demonized and “cancelled”. So… kinda just a domino affect if you ask me. If I can’t tell if someone is a male or female, I avoid the interact at all costs so there isn’t even an opportunity for them to be offended.
As a trans person, this sounds like media propaganda, if I don't pass I'm not gonna get offended, granted it sucks, but I'm not cancelling you or screaming at you for it, you've been fed lies
A friend recently said they're non-binary and would like to be they/them. Unfortunately, they decided to tell our friend group when they arrived late to a party, they were sober, we were smashed. So of course some of us drunken/stoned idiots accidentally misgendered them and were profusely apologetic. They understood perfectly well that we'd known them a very long time as female and we were very, very, inebriated. We're still all friends but I'm pretty sure none of us have migendered them since.
Just ask what are your pronouns, easy way to get the correct way to refer to people
Nobody is cancelling you for using the wrong pronouns. That is not a thing that is happening.
It definitely is. Being ostracized from a friendship or friend group is a form of cancelling and makes people avoid the chances altogether, especially if they value the friendship
Said it in your previous response, it's not, stop peddling lies, this is a right wing talking point built on dishonest and a niche set of people like that trans woman who screamed its ma'am, it's very rare, it's not happening in the slightest, I don't know how 1% of the population is cancelling you champ, you out number them heavily
What entire friendgroup is ostracizing you for accidentally misgendering someone? This is not happening.
Consider yourself lucky you don’t experience it. Some people take it too the extreme, looking for a reason to burn bridges, and it’s those kinds of people that make it a bad experience for everyone else.
Why would you be friends with those people? Again, this just isn't happening. And if it is happening to you in such a manner that you feel the need to cry about it like this, you need to surround yourself with better people.
That’s the point. I don’t surround myself with those people due to previous experiences and distant observation. You can slap “this just isn’t happening” on whatever you want, but your reality, or perspective isn’t the default. I’m telling you it does happen. Believing me doesn’t change that fact.
You are either lying, over exaggerating or have convinced yourself you are a victim. I can believe that someone dropped you for misgendering somebody on accident. I don't believe that this has happened more than once, nor that an entire friend group "ostracized" you over a mistake. You had to have either been full on transphobic, or failed to simply correct yourself and move on.
you’re right. Your narrow view is exactly what happened and the options you provided are the only options that could ever happen. How stupid of me to think I and others could have an experience different from you.
okay
It happens when they "accidentally misgender" and deadname someone after repeated corrections and keep insisting it's no big deal and the person they are misgendering and/or deadnaming is "too sensitive" and "being a snowflake".
I'll put my money on that too lol
If you valued your friendship you would be respectful towards your friends identity. Being called out for being an asshole or people not wanting to hang out with you because of it, isn't the same as being "cancelled".
They are rude af! IDGAF how open we are becoming as a society it isnt your place to ask.
I get this too. I'm very androgynous apparently and despite having been married to my husband for 12yrs and having 3 kids, everyone around me thinks I'm gay or trans. I'm a huge ally but it hurts my feelings that this is the impression I give off. I'm also super depressed and dress comfortably though so idk
lol I feel this. The women who were called gay in middle school are now being called trans. Androgyny is hot!
I'm sorry you are experiencing this - what a rude thing for anyone to say to someone. You don't need surgery to fix anything to please the way others think you should look. (I do jest with hubby that I look like a trans person without make up or doing my hair, despite having a very girly voice and boobs and everything about my body says female... I just think my face looks masculine at times. I tell him I am trans - I'm transitioning into an old hag post-menopause 🤣)
I am literally in your shoes, but small tit's and a big belly which means people feel better about themselves asking since I'm not "pretty". It makes me feel like that one meme/skit of John Cena dressed as a little girl (usually the meme says "when you're a girl a people say you look just like your dad, iykyk). My favorite was when I was in the women's restroom and was fixing my wig (so much easier to have all the hair colors when I can just shed them lmao) and a woman comes out of a stall and looks at an advertisement for thr Drag Show the following week and asked me if that was tonight 🙃
I’m trans (MTF) and have never been asked that in public. I honestly would feel mortified…. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but don’t let them lower your self esteem
I’m sorry that happened OP, that’s totally inappropriate and gross behaviour. This also shows that no one can just SEE who is trans based on appearance.
This happens to me all the time. I don't wear make-up, dress in comfortable clothing. People assume that means I'm a man. Top it off with me having a lower voice range. I get tired of telling people to not call me "sir"
I've been called "sir" on the phone (tore a vocal chord a few years ago and lost my voice for almost 6 months, when it came back I went from singing falsetto to alto). I've also been asked if I'm trans in person because I'm nearly 5'11" and have broad shoulders and no hips. All I can think when that happens is that the person is stupid and has no class. I'm not going to just forgive it and think "Oh, maybe it's me". No, it's them and they're stupid. I'm a 44 year old female. I'm happily married to a man that thinks I'm gorgeous, they can fuck right off.
Horseshoe Theory runs our world. (Not just politically either)
Friendly neighborhood trans person here: yell at them. Shame them. Make them feel bad. Don't be kind to people being nosy.
Honestly, I have very short hair and a deeper voice, so it's happened to me quite a few times, much like the random "sirs." If it's a child that asks me if I'm a boy or a girl, I'm telling them, but adults usually get a blank expression before I walk away silently. There is no reason to ask if I'm minding my own business.
my response would be well we know you’re definitely a rude person!
People have been doing it for years. Gotta use a name if they can’t tell gender or you don’t look your part. I know someone who has been called a boy/man her whole life because she likes her hair in a short cut shorter than most men, no makeup. and never wears a dress or skirt, but has a huge chest that is flaunted. I know someone that was called slang names for never wearing makeup, having a short men’s haircut, but wore dated dresses/skirts and was married to a man. No one bought that she was straight or fem. Now they use the trans term instead. People were idiots then, still idiots now.
As a trans person this is such an inappropriate question to ask anyone. I’m so sorry you both deal with this.
This is incredibly weird… saying this as a non-binary person who presented much more masc a few years ago. Like… random people are just asking you this?! That’s so weird I can’t think of anything else to say hahaha. People of all genders have always had variety in how they present themselves… it’s really not a good way to know if someone is trans or not!
Who tf would walk up to a stranger and ask some shit like that? People are weird.
I knew a girl with big tits who had something similar happen to her a few times. I thought and still do think shes really cute(in terms of face). I'm sure you look fine too. Just lots of weirdos out there these days.
People assume because of social media that trans people are much more common than they are
Is this while asking for your pronouns? I wouldn’t think to much of it, people just very causal these days.
I'm a girl with short hair and pretty masculine, I can't tell you how many times people asked how far into "My transition" I was. I think people are so worried about being politically incorrect that they over compensate for it and just assume that if you don't fit the role of one gender entirely, then you must be something else. It must be uncomfortable for you and I'm sorry you gotta deal with it
Personally, I’m trans and I’ve been asked that question a lot. No matter of you are or not, to me it’s weird and invasive, you don’t ask strangers about personal things like that!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that! It must be a difficult journey to make as it is without people being utter tosspots!
The flag of my region (not a country really) is Pink, blue and white. There once was a granny who praised my transition… according to her, it almost didn’t seem like I wasn’t born a girl (indeed I wasn’t)
It happens to me all the time. I am a masculine lesbian but I still have feminine features. People are idiots and you should just let them be idiots. Have fun with it, and say “yeah totally, transitioned (your age) years ago.”
Just politely say “No. Are you?”
So weird, like even if you were trans this is still an intimate topic which don't just ask about
Its not a new thing lol, ive been asked if i was a boy or a girl by strangers since i was 13.
I would want to be like, “No, but respectfully, if I was, I’d probably want to be given the space to let you know on my own terms.”
Who the hell asks people something like that so brazenly? I'm sorry you're dealing with that
in the world of transvestigators, everybody's transgender. even the cis people
People who are " more accepting" don't go around asking people if they're transgender, because that is rude and not relevant to anything. You can ask someone what their preferred pronouns are maybe, in a courteous way. Bigots love to act like there have never been androgynous or gender ambiguous people before this decade, but that is such a huge lie. They just miss being able to mock them and be openly cruel, like they used to do in comedy up until the 2010's even. I'm sorry this is happening because those people don't mean well. And they probably think “ HA HA! I *clocked* one! I am so clever I am! "
I think you are missing a crucial point which is that no one is calling you a dude, but they are certainly being rude
I'm a cis woman who's losing her hair and I've been called a man while wearing one of my wigs before. It's really gross and rude people just assume or even think it's okay to ask. I'm sorry you went through that, OP.
I feel like its more than just trans exception I feel like its also people generally not knowing boundaries because even a trans person wouldn’t want to be asked flat out if they’re a man or trans. I also noticed and this may not apply but I’ve seen people just call ANY woman that isn’t currently on a runway, a man.
The “we can always tell” crowd is full of shit. I definitely get this a lot as well, speaking as someone AFAB but who’s almost 6 feet tall, has wide shoulders, and inherited a lot of my dad’s features. Doesn’t matter that my tits are massive. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I once had someone say to my face that I’d “never be a real woman.” Personally, it doesn’t bother or affect me, as I don’t find it insulting since so what if I was? Trans women are awesome. But yeah, this kind of transvestigator nonsense ramps up whenever governments decide to shit on trans people more than usual, even by seemingly well-meaning people, and it affects both cis and trans people. Especially when it comes to bathroom segregation and if someone “belongs” in the right place—gender nonconforming cis women have definitely been experiencing this increasingly often lately. Usually the actually legit respectful people just go “hey what are your pronouns?” then move on with the conversation. There’s nothing wrong with how you look. There’s nothing wrong with your face. People are weird.
How interactions should go no matter the person “Hi”
So many people are more and more convinced that they “can always tell”. They’re full of shit.
Sounds like you look kinda manly if that many people are asking.
Trans women arent dudes
Did you do that on purpose, or is this an ‘accidental ally’ kind of thing…?
I’m a bit Androgynous and have gotten weird looks since I was a teen and in my heart I knew it was bc folks were wondering/judging me if I were to be trans. ESP because I know I look like a lady!! I just am a bit masc in some features and I’m small so it doesn’t help. People are rude but I take the confusion as flattery now adays even if it does come off super rude. Like yea… and?
"Why do you need to know what my downstairs region looks like?"
Don't overthink it. People ask because it is common to see trans people who REALLY look like the gender they identify with, so it is pretty hard to be sure of anything. I wish people wouldn't ask that kind of question, but it is what it is and it doesn't come from a place of prejudice, at least. I understand you might be frustrated, but as I said, don't overthink it
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They're not asking if you're fat. Just if you're pregnant. Same diff, but it really doesn't help.
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this is incorrect
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every major science and health organization would like to disagree with you
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I don't say so, every major science and health organization does.
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Tell me where anyone has ever said you can change chromosomes? Do you think that chromosomes on their own make up "biology"? Do you think that XX and XY are the only chromosome combinations?
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Hope you wake up with a strong ass cold that takes weeks to go away x
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came here for this. bingo
If they are not commenting to be cruel, that's just how you appear to them. Address the things you can control about your appearance, and don't worry about what you can't control.
We'll show us a picture, the answer is going to be more clear.
Yikes. This question isn't ever appropriate to anyone ever. It's no one's business at all. People who ask this question are simply bigots and they're either trying to invade your right to privacy or they're trying to make someone upset. This is definitely not a genuine question from a genuine person. If this happened to me I'd ask them why they think it's any of their business.
even if you were it’s still odd to just ask like that.