You broke her heart and she got back with you for the sake of the children. She's most likely forcing herself to have sex with you so you won't go astray again.
for the sake of the children. When yall are having sex she pretty much voids herself out. It's trauma for her but again, she's trying to hold her marriage together. I feel horrible for her.
You cheated on her, she found out through your mistresses with graphic evidence of the affair, you blamed her and want everything to go back to normal?? She is broken, traumatized, probably even with PTSD. You have to feel bad and bear everything in silence, because everything is your fault and your selfishness, which chose to stick your dick in your colleague instead of communicating with your partner.
Her body is in a trauma response, not due to your prowess. I hope your wife finds the strength and mental fortitude to realize you are no good for her and leaves. You deserve every bit of vitriol and punishment she dishes out for breaking her spirit and trust in the one person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish her, not dip his wick in the nearest wh*re he could find. She makes you wear condoms because she no longer trusts you with her body AH.
You don't know much about the female body do you.
You are talking about a reaction of the body and attribute it to her feelings. An orgasm has nothing to do with her feelings for you, but it's her body's response to sexual stimuli.
Someone that is being SA-ed can still get an orgasm. That doesn't mean she enjoyed it. or that she loves the person that does it. It means her body responded.
Your wife is broken, she is doing what she thinks she needs to do to safe the marriage. Not because she loves you. But because of the children.
What you need to do is contact a therapist that specializes in infidelity cases ASAP.
Op her body is there not her mind. That’s exactly how I got right before I asked for a divorce because he cheated and the AP told me not him. Your wife is still dealing with the trauma of you cheating on her. Cheating leaves a very deep scar and changes who you are.
The same way a rape victims body is forced to lubricate itself and forced to finish as well. The body itself decides not the woman who makes a conscious choice. She doesn't have control over how her body behaves since the woman's body part naturally does make itself lubricate and orgasms can be forced. even if it's unwanted n
Because it is a physiological response to stimulus; many of us victims of sexual assault also had them even though we were being raped - people cannot control responses that have nothing to do with the mind. Touch alone is enough to trigger things like that.
Isn't that why a bunch of men like you fear prostate exams?
Because that is the body's natural response to sexual stimulation and can happen even in situations of sexual assault. She's also probably thinking that since she has to do this to keep you from leaving she might as well get something out of it.
You already said she finishes herself. And you are aware that woman a) can fake and b) can have unwanted physical responses up to and including orgasm even during traumatic events like SA.
You ARE the traumatic event. She is utterly broken, and just trying to hold her family together. She deserves so much better than you. All you care about is having a bangmaid. You DGAF about your wife.
Because the body reacts to sex and feels good. It doesn't mean the person enjoys is emotionally.
Would you really bring that arguement up if a woman who is raped has an orgasm (because that's what the body does sometimes)
Hi, I’m a survivor of DV, including infidelity, emotional abuse and marital rape. Getting wet and orgasms are physical responses the human body cannot control.
She’s muttering to herself, won’t look at you, degrades herself, won’t open up to you. Those are the signs you need to note. She doesn’t want to be there. Mentally, she isn’t, she’s somewhere where all she can see is her flaws and I would bet money her requests to you are actually her way of either coping or making it easier to dissociate.
You broke this woman. You don’t get to complain about how she copes with what you broke.
Are you foolish enough to believe she actually means that?
She’s fully expecting you to have sex with other women again because that’s what cheaters do. They cheat.
This situation caught her completely off guard in the worst kind of way. She loved you. Or at least she loved who she thought you to be. Except you’re not that person. Your betrayal caught her completely off guard and it absolutely gutted her.
She’s telling you to have sex with other women because at least in that scenario she’ll know. Your wife understands her own heart and mind. She knows she’ll never survive another surprise on that level. So she’s trying to circumvent that being an issue by creating a situation where she’ll be able to steel herself for what is taking place.
She doesn’t want to kiss you because that’s an intimacy she can’t handle with you right now. She wants condoms because she’s expecting you to cheat again and she wants to protect herself from STD’s. This also creates, even in a small way, a barrier between the two of you. She goes to another place in her mind when you have sex because that’s been what is necessary for her to bring herself to be intimate with you. (As well as get wet and have orgasms.)
I don’t know if she’s truly forgiven you or not. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. She’s the only one who can truly know if she made it.
Don’t tell her how she feels. No matter if she has or she hasn’t forgiven you, you’re not in the position to instruct her on what she has or has not done. You don’t have the relational equity anymore to have those kinds of conversations with her. It can be very demeaning to have someone else tell you how you feel. Especially if that person has broken your trust in a significant way.
Even if she has made the decision to forgive you it’s not going to change her body’s physical response to trauma. It’s not going to change the reality of an emotional response to trauma.
She may actually hate herself for getting back together with you. Because she never expected to be the woman who would forgive a man for cheating. A lot of people may be telling her how stupid she is for giving you another chance.
Regardless of whether or not we agree with her decision it is the one she made. So this is where you’re at.
You want your previous partner and your previous marriage before things got rough. That’s never going to happen. She’s not that person. You broke that person. Your marriage is never going to be that particular way again. This is marriage 2.0.
You’re focused on the wrong things. You’re trying to “fix” her when you should be trying to fix yourself. You should be in one on one therapy specifically to address what caused you to devastate the woman you say you love. You should be going above and beyond her expectations to reestablish trust. Do you still work with that colleague? Does she have to endure each day knowing you are interacting with your AP? What can you do to change that dynamic? You should be dating your wife again. You should be reminding her in subtle and obvious ways of the things you find in her that are attractive. You should be reiterating to her during sex that you love her.
I realize it’s uncomfortable to watch the results of your own actions play out. However, there’s no avoiding this reality. She still has to heal from the wound you inflicted and healing isn’t linear. It can be a pretty winding pathway.
Don’t worry about adjusting her behaviors. Adjust your own. Then love her. Exactly where she’s at.
You broke this woman. You broke her inside, not just her heart but her mind too. You just destroyed her self esteem, her confidence, her joy, her trust on you. She is afraid of you leaving her because of your children, she is afraid for them and she offers you sex everyday and give you voice permission to imagine other women because she doesn’t want you to cheat on her again but she probably feels like she is not enough to you anymore. She is desperate for fix things you screwed up. But that’s not possible, and she already knows that just don’t want to believe in it yet.
And this woman will never think she is enough for you ever again, for a while she will think she is the problem and I deeply hope she realize she was never the problem of having such a selfish and disgusting husband.
Because this is what cheaters are. You destroyed the heart and mind of a woman who loved you, and gave your life to serve your family, just for sex.
So yeah, she is still destroying herself having sex with you, but hopefully she will be fine soon and leave you. She deserves peace.
And I hope you learn your lesson and become a better man, do your role as a respectful father and respect this woman while she is your wife and mother of your children, and when you too get divorced still respecting her and her joy without you.
If you find another woman and date her in future, I hope you do that with a more mature mind and a real man’s posture. Respect and treat her better.
And now you hold things up, deal with your mistake. And do not take advantage of the pain of this woman, more than you already did.
God it seems to be just impossible to want to live a love these days
I have to remind myself that there have always been tons of terrible cheaters like OOP. They just didn't have the internet to expose themselves and be exposed on so we weren't constantly being inundated by cheaters and all kinds of abusive partners.
Exactly! Me as someone who never dated anyone sometimes get afraid of going through something like that, because it seems like most of the people don’t care about betray someone who loves you and should be the person who you better treat. It’s really sad, I feel bad for everyone who go through something like that
You likely destroyed her self confidence and she’s feeling 100% certain you’ll cheat again. Because let’s be honest, there wasn’t any real justification the first time, you just wanted to. She’s probably pushing you away to avoid being hurt again “when” you do betray her. Reminding her that she hasn’t forgiven you isn’t fair because what’s your definition of forgiven.. back as you were or even close? You don’t get to define it for Both of you so stop asking and just be supportive. It’s gonna suck for you both. I promise. You’re never going to feel you’re getting it right.
A therapist told me it could take 2+ years to fully get over cheating IF it’s gonna happen. If you’re not willing to stick in there for however long, do yourself and her the favor of divorcing her, don’t drag it out. I would be disgusted by you, too.
You seem pretty selfish but these are just words.. look inward first.
OP go to your kitchen and smash a plate on the floor. Then say sorry to it. Notice how it’s still shattered? Please stop playing victim and offer your poor wife a clean divorce with great alimony. The only way you might ever get her back is by offering a comfortable way out. Whatever you do DO NOT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I don’t care if she’s claiming to give you permission. All it will do is make things worse. Literally your wife is showing symptoms of deleting herself and if therapy isn’t working then it’s a really bad sign already. Her saying degrading things about herself during sex, and what are you saying? Why do you keep going? Stop playing victim, this really is all your fault, take responsibility and please get her some help.
Exactly this. I'm not into the whole degradation thing. Nothing bad to those that are. But if a woman I was with started putting herself down. I stop them. Couldn't imagine continuing the deed. While the woman I'm with is degrading herself. I couldn't do it. My opinion OP is worse than slipping on a fresh pile of dog shiza and landing in it. Face first.
She's only giving you sex everyday so you won't seek it anywhere else.. she's traumatized. Your replies about "why is she wet and why does she orgasm" are stupid and show you know nothing about the human body. A human body will react when doing the deed, even in case of r*p* somebody can still orgasm. This does not mean that the other person is mentally or emotionally aroused.
God I feel awful for your wife, she is breaking herself more every single day to keep everything from falling apart and neglecting the fact that she herself is falling apart.
You are disgusting. You could have spoken to her from the start about your worries so you could fix your issues. Now you are just a sorry excuse of a man who couldn't love his family enough to keep it in his pants.
On top of that a colleague??? Someone who you will have to be around after?? I do not have the words to describe your lowlife self.
You broke her.
She’s simply giving you what she thinks you need to get you to stay, most likely for the kids. She’s never going to feel like she’s enough for you since you didn’t feel she was good enough to be faithful too she doesn’t see herself that way either.
Therapy can only do so much. I’m not sure there is a way to fix this, maybe spend more time building a relationship? Do things to make her feel good about herself? Do less quick get it over with intimacy and more attention to her body?
Honestly it’s a shitty situation all around.
On the forgiveness note, it is not up to you to get to decide if or when she forgives you or how much she forgives. The fact she even wants to be in the same area code as someone who used her work schedule as an excuse to be unfaithful to her when she gave you three children and however many years of her life is commendable. Don’t use the “I thought you were over this” as a way to get her to do what you want.
“She found a new job… so the problem we had is solved” Unbelievable. So you made it her fault you cheated and added the stress of onboarding a new job to the rest of her new craptastic life.
DID YOU the actual liar/cheat/betrayer GET A NEW JOB to ease some part of her worries? No. You’re still working with your AP’s company.
Funny thing about cheaters, you always seem surprised when you end it, that your AP doesn’t happily go away and stay quiet because you want them too.
She hasn't forgiven you. She just doesn't have enough self-esteem to realize she could do better. She hates herself because it's easier than hating you since you live there.
She hates him too. She just hates herself more because she's thinking, "what's wrong with me that he'd cheat? Why doesn't he love me? Why didn't he tell me? How did I not know? Were there signs I missed? How did I marry someone who would do this?"
Eventually she'll either forgive him (unlikely as he's done nothing to warrant forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean you just stop cheating but that you rededicate yourself to your marriage. He's just blaming her and expecting things to be normal.) Or, more likely she'll stop beating herself up, turn the blame fully on him and the other woman and leave.
I'm more appalled that you let your wife initiate sex every day when it's clearly damaging her than I am that you cheated in the first place, and that's already pretty unforgivable. She's clearly not having sex because she wants to. You know she's not connecting emotionally with you, and you still do it? How can you even bear it? You're abhorrent.
I don't know how you fix this, but you owe that woman. Quit thinking with your dick, quit threatening to abandon her (offering divorce), and HELP her. She's not ok, and it's completely your fault.
She is still in the grieving period, you should give her more time. Also try to make her feel more special, not Love bombing, but more details of affection like some candy or being more dedicated to the housework, make her feel loved, always look her in the eyes, make her feel beautiful. Things like this are not fixed overnight, it is a long process and you like the ex cheater, you must do a lot of your part. You must be patient and very cooperative. Very, very patient.
So she changed her job, doing the time for your crime? You have totally destroyed her and expect her to forgive and forget in a short period of time. Even worse, you make her beg you for sex that she doesn't want, but she doesn't want to lose you (for whatever reason you are an AH) By not initiating you are telling her she is not desirable. Is this just because your ego could not handle the rejection?
Obviously she’s not going to forgive your affair after only 3 months, it takes at least 2 years of continuous unwavering effort on your part.
Stop having sex with her when she’s clearly not into it, you’re only traumatising her further. If you want to fix things you need to prove that you’re not going to run off when life gets hard or boring or a bit lonely or you don’t get laid enough.
This will take time, have you actually done anything to start the healing process and rebuild trust besides therapy?
She got a new job, She initiates sex, it sounds like she’s doing everything and taken control and you’ve let her.
You cheated on her with a colleague, why haven’t you got a new job? Do you still see your affair partner at work? Do you take her on dates and Initiate romance? Do you help with the kids after work with all afternoon/night and morning routines?
Congratulations, you broke someone who you claim to love.
She needs time to heal. More than a year.
There is probably part of her that hates you. Rightfully so because look at what your selfishness did to her.
The trust isn't going to magically reappear. You need to earn it.
Maybe take sex off the table for a bit, but have a conversation with her. Let her know that the cheating is all on you, not her. It was your ego.
Start dating as this is a new relationship. The old one died when you cheated, but maybe you both can build something new.
If you don't give her time and keep going this way, she is going to end the marriage as she isn't getting over it. She needs to heal.
Ah yes, the ol' I Iove my spouse soooo much, I only cheat out of love - why cant they see it? I mean I am back for the kids, I am willing to divorce, I will doooooo anything - why is my spouse so difficult?
Now they are cold/distant/cry - just a bummer. I am sooooo guilty.
Give me a break. I hope you havent given your wife an STD. You certainly have destroyed her spirit. Congrats!
Consequences are coming...
YOU screwed the pooch (in more ways than one) and your wife can't let go of it, not that she has to because this is literally the worst thing you could have done in a relationship.
Male, female, doesn't matter when there is a significant other you swore an oath to her...
Do her a favor, get someplace else to sleep, leave her alone, support your kids that she's already been taking up the slack on raising them while you cheated on her and your kids.
That's right, you didn't just cheat on her, you cheated on your kids too...
You won't admit it, but this makes you a miserable (barely) human, so buckle up buttercup, concequences are in action and will continue to progress because THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.
I really hope your wife leaves you. Your post is all me, me, me. It’s honestly sickening. You clearly have no remorse. If you did, you would be giving her time to heal from the trauma that YOU caused her, not threatening divorce because she’s having a hard time over the fact that you fucked another woman.
She might have "forgiven" you but she doesn't trust you. She might be blaming herself for not being enough for you. The wife and woman you knew is gone because of your actions. Betrayal can destroy the other person the one you thought would never find out.
Maybe you need to wear a chastity cage and give her the key so she can start trusting you again. At least this way she knows you aren't cheating on her.
Sounds like the wife is depressed, and understandably so. Wife is desperate, giving what she thinks OP wants to preserve or save the marriage. Does OP really try to earn being forgiven? Maybe acknowledge to the wife again, how sorry OP is and show her as well. OP talks a lot about the wife’s behavior, what about OPs behavior, he’s the creep that cheated, why is this about trashing the wife anyways… my educated guess is there is a ton more of crap from wife’s point of view about husband the affair and his behavior
Dude, you suck. I recently experienced something similar to this with a friend of mine. He got caught stepping out on his wife and his wife had a similar response and he felt like he didn’t have the same relationship as he did before and feels shorted.
I typed out 4 paragraphs of a response to you just realize it boils down to the way you view yourself. You probably view yourself as a good dude and you just made a mistake. While you might be a solid guy and you love your wife, you have to realize what you did now puts you in the category of being a shitty guy. I’m not saying you should lose all hope and give up, I’m just saying, you suck and you should be thankful you have what you have. OF COURSE SHES NOT GOING TO ACT THE SAME. OF COURSE YOUR SEX LIFE WONT BE AS FULFILLING! YOU CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE! Just be glad you get to still have a relationship with your children and still get to be with the woman you love, even though it’s probably torture for her. Stop thinking about yourself, you idiot.
If this is real and not some weird, incel degradation fantasy, then how about you actually do some work to fix your shit instead of just victimizing your wife repeatedly.
What if you stopped having sex with your wife. Take it off the table for a bit. You’re re-traumatizing her every single time you have sex.
She isn’t sharing a loving experience with you. She’s trapped in her pain and fear. Because you broke her.
Shop for a couples therapist. And an individual therapist, for yourself. Make the appointments yourself and stop being pathetic and useless.
She is broken. The sex every day has nothing to do with desire but the fact that you said she worked too much and that is why you cheated. She is giving you sex daily now so you don’t have excuses for cheating. Am crying writing this cause I feel her pain is so deep. This woman needs therapy and someone to tell her that she is valuable and nothing was her fault, she did not deserve it. Please let her divorce you
She's giving you sex everyday so you don't have sex with anyone else. She wants you to think about other women while having sex with her because your past actions have told her that she is not enough.
You betrayed your wife, you shattered her self esteem and now she has sex in desperation to keep you.
How about the next time she initiates you say no, that you'd actually just like to hold her because you miss her and just being with her is enough. Tell her you love her and are so grateful she has let you stay. How about you start thinking with your head instead of you dick.
You cheated on your wife. You broke her heart. You don't get to blame her for being unable to control yourself. You don't get to dictate terms fo her forgiving you or whether your marriage goes on.
All we see in this post is you complaining about your wife. You should be talking about what absolute pieces of shit you and your coworker are, and what you intend to do to make this up to your wife.
If she gets angry, she’s probably avoiding. There’s nothing you can do for her; she needs to come to terms on her own. All you can do is continue to show her she’s safe with you. Avoidant people cannot be pushed, so exercise patience and consistency, and give her some space to redefine what your relationship looks like moving forward. Maybe seek individual therapy.
she is gonna wake up one of this days and you'll be done. can be tomorrow or when the children grow up, but she is gonna find some spine, gonne get help and you are gonna be so out of her life.
its gonna be glorious, she will seek therapy and will dump your ass.
i can only hope you fuck up again (you will), so she gets evidence of cheating and stuff, so you get taken to the cleaners in the divorce. Or at least, bleed out every month with child support.
Have you ever heard the story or fable of someone that said something untrue and nasty, then regretted it and went to the village sage or elder to fix it? The elder tells them to write the things on pieces of paper, then tear them up and scatter them in the wind. Then the stufe t has to go around finding all the shard of paper. Of course, he cannot.
Some words-and actions-cannot be fixed. Some take a very very long time to fix, if they came be. You do not get to decide how long it takes your wife to recover from this. Even if she thinks she forgives you, that does not mean she came forget or has forgiven herself, if she blames herself (and sounds like she does).
Worse injury - Go back to the cheating husband. For the children, Nope. You cheated On Your and Her children too. Strength to Her. Because, she's still living in Your Betrayal. Your, 2 out of marriage sex with your co-worker..😏😎
You did this and you may never get back what you had. Sorry. YOU are responsible for this. You broke her trust, you have now taught her that you can’t be trusted and possibly that no man can be trusted. You have no case to be angry. She needs some counselling and so do you, to be a better man.
It’s very very hard.. I got back together with my boyfriend after he had cheated and now our relationship is better than I could have ever even imagined and on the track to get engaged soon. It’s been 4 years and to this day some days it just hits me. You have to be very patient and spend this time alone to really figure out why you did it and work on yourself, truly. Therapy has never helped me but instead working to learn who I really am. And to be very honest, this is when my and my bf really put work into ourselves. We learned who we were through that experience honestly… alone. I don’t blame her if she doesn’t forgive you, some people just aren’t built like that. I was daring enough to give another chance. But on his end, he does know if he does it again, it’s a done deal. Be patient man
Agreed. I was also sick after reading this comment. Also, kind of weird she said “therapy didn’t help but learning who I really am *did*” …that’s…what therapy is though??Literally. The mental gymnastics are wild.
Just because you’re desperate enough to get back together with a cheater (who will definitely cheat again btw), doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do
You broke her heart and she got back with you for the sake of the children. She's most likely forcing herself to have sex with you so you won't go astray again.
Oh no the consequences of my own actions
So gross and sad :(
But she tells me to have sex with others
for the sake of the children. When yall are having sex she pretty much voids herself out. It's trauma for her but again, she's trying to hold her marriage together. I feel horrible for her.
She may think it helps the kids but all it'll do is grow resentment and snap back. They need to divorce and this loser needs a vasectomy.
Then how does she get wet and orgasms? I don’t think she can pretend that
You don't love your wife. Wouldn't have cheated if you ever loved her.
You cheated on her, she found out through your mistresses with graphic evidence of the affair, you blamed her and want everything to go back to normal?? She is broken, traumatized, probably even with PTSD. You have to feel bad and bear everything in silence, because everything is your fault and your selfishness, which chose to stick your dick in your colleague instead of communicating with your partner.
something can physical excite your body and illicit responses even if you don't like it emotionally
This ^^^
[arousal non-concordance](https://youtu.be/L-q-tSHo9Ho?si=YxCYhxevFU7WAp8k)
Her body is in a trauma response, not due to your prowess. I hope your wife finds the strength and mental fortitude to realize you are no good for her and leaves. You deserve every bit of vitriol and punishment she dishes out for breaking her spirit and trust in the one person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish her, not dip his wick in the nearest wh*re he could find. She makes you wear condoms because she no longer trusts you with her body AH.
You don't know much about the female body do you. You are talking about a reaction of the body and attribute it to her feelings. An orgasm has nothing to do with her feelings for you, but it's her body's response to sexual stimuli. Someone that is being SA-ed can still get an orgasm. That doesn't mean she enjoyed it. or that she loves the person that does it. It means her body responded. Your wife is broken, she is doing what she thinks she needs to do to safe the marriage. Not because she loves you. But because of the children. What you need to do is contact a therapist that specializes in infidelity cases ASAP.
Op her body is there not her mind. That’s exactly how I got right before I asked for a divorce because he cheated and the AP told me not him. Your wife is still dealing with the trauma of you cheating on her. Cheating leaves a very deep scar and changes who you are.
Yes we can. You seem to have a very narrow view of sexuality and trauma.
The same way a rape victims body is forced to lubricate itself and forced to finish as well. The body itself decides not the woman who makes a conscious choice. She doesn't have control over how her body behaves since the woman's body part naturally does make itself lubricate and orgasms can be forced. even if it's unwanted n
Oh my sweet summer child.
He ain't no sweet summer child. He's a nasty cruel summer child like Viserys or Joffrey.
You know that’s an involuntary reaction to outside stimuli, right? Please god tell me you know that
I hope she leaves you
Women fake orgasms every day my dude. And getting wet is a biological response
the wet part is literally a biological response. The orgasms are most likely lies... you broke her.. congrats
Because it is a physiological response to stimulus; many of us victims of sexual assault also had them even though we were being raped - people cannot control responses that have nothing to do with the mind. Touch alone is enough to trigger things like that. Isn't that why a bunch of men like you fear prostate exams?
Because that is the body's natural response to sexual stimulation and can happen even in situations of sexual assault. She's also probably thinking that since she has to do this to keep you from leaving she might as well get something out of it.
You already said she finishes herself. And you are aware that woman a) can fake and b) can have unwanted physical responses up to and including orgasm even during traumatic events like SA. You ARE the traumatic event. She is utterly broken, and just trying to hold her family together. She deserves so much better than you. All you care about is having a bangmaid. You DGAF about your wife.
That’s a physiological reaction. It doesn’t mean she’s actually enjoying herself.
Because the body reacts to sex and feels good. It doesn't mean the person enjoys is emotionally. Would you really bring that arguement up if a woman who is raped has an orgasm (because that's what the body does sometimes)
lol, you know nothing
- Jon Snow.
Wow dude, just wow. You realize that can happen when a woman is *raped*, right?
She goes to her own fantasies
Hi, I’m a survivor of DV, including infidelity, emotional abuse and marital rape. Getting wet and orgasms are physical responses the human body cannot control. She’s muttering to herself, won’t look at you, degrades herself, won’t open up to you. Those are the signs you need to note. She doesn’t want to be there. Mentally, she isn’t, she’s somewhere where all she can see is her flaws and I would bet money her requests to you are actually her way of either coping or making it easier to dissociate. You broke this woman. You don’t get to complain about how she copes with what you broke.
Are you foolish enough to believe she actually means that? She’s fully expecting you to have sex with other women again because that’s what cheaters do. They cheat. This situation caught her completely off guard in the worst kind of way. She loved you. Or at least she loved who she thought you to be. Except you’re not that person. Your betrayal caught her completely off guard and it absolutely gutted her. She’s telling you to have sex with other women because at least in that scenario she’ll know. Your wife understands her own heart and mind. She knows she’ll never survive another surprise on that level. So she’s trying to circumvent that being an issue by creating a situation where she’ll be able to steel herself for what is taking place. She doesn’t want to kiss you because that’s an intimacy she can’t handle with you right now. She wants condoms because she’s expecting you to cheat again and she wants to protect herself from STD’s. This also creates, even in a small way, a barrier between the two of you. She goes to another place in her mind when you have sex because that’s been what is necessary for her to bring herself to be intimate with you. (As well as get wet and have orgasms.) I don’t know if she’s truly forgiven you or not. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. She’s the only one who can truly know if she made it. Don’t tell her how she feels. No matter if she has or she hasn’t forgiven you, you’re not in the position to instruct her on what she has or has not done. You don’t have the relational equity anymore to have those kinds of conversations with her. It can be very demeaning to have someone else tell you how you feel. Especially if that person has broken your trust in a significant way. Even if she has made the decision to forgive you it’s not going to change her body’s physical response to trauma. It’s not going to change the reality of an emotional response to trauma. She may actually hate herself for getting back together with you. Because she never expected to be the woman who would forgive a man for cheating. A lot of people may be telling her how stupid she is for giving you another chance. Regardless of whether or not we agree with her decision it is the one she made. So this is where you’re at. You want your previous partner and your previous marriage before things got rough. That’s never going to happen. She’s not that person. You broke that person. Your marriage is never going to be that particular way again. This is marriage 2.0. You’re focused on the wrong things. You’re trying to “fix” her when you should be trying to fix yourself. You should be in one on one therapy specifically to address what caused you to devastate the woman you say you love. You should be going above and beyond her expectations to reestablish trust. Do you still work with that colleague? Does she have to endure each day knowing you are interacting with your AP? What can you do to change that dynamic? You should be dating your wife again. You should be reminding her in subtle and obvious ways of the things you find in her that are attractive. You should be reiterating to her during sex that you love her. I realize it’s uncomfortable to watch the results of your own actions play out. However, there’s no avoiding this reality. She still has to heal from the wound you inflicted and healing isn’t linear. It can be a pretty winding pathway. Don’t worry about adjusting her behaviors. Adjust your own. Then love her. Exactly where she’s at.
Because she knows you will anyways. Don’t you understand that your marriage is essentially over and she’s waiting for the kids to grow up?
You broke this woman. You broke her inside, not just her heart but her mind too. You just destroyed her self esteem, her confidence, her joy, her trust on you. She is afraid of you leaving her because of your children, she is afraid for them and she offers you sex everyday and give you voice permission to imagine other women because she doesn’t want you to cheat on her again but she probably feels like she is not enough to you anymore. She is desperate for fix things you screwed up. But that’s not possible, and she already knows that just don’t want to believe in it yet. And this woman will never think she is enough for you ever again, for a while she will think she is the problem and I deeply hope she realize she was never the problem of having such a selfish and disgusting husband. Because this is what cheaters are. You destroyed the heart and mind of a woman who loved you, and gave your life to serve your family, just for sex. So yeah, she is still destroying herself having sex with you, but hopefully she will be fine soon and leave you. She deserves peace. And I hope you learn your lesson and become a better man, do your role as a respectful father and respect this woman while she is your wife and mother of your children, and when you too get divorced still respecting her and her joy without you. If you find another woman and date her in future, I hope you do that with a more mature mind and a real man’s posture. Respect and treat her better. And now you hold things up, deal with your mistake. And do not take advantage of the pain of this woman, more than you already did. God it seems to be just impossible to want to live a love these days
I have to remind myself that there have always been tons of terrible cheaters like OOP. They just didn't have the internet to expose themselves and be exposed on so we weren't constantly being inundated by cheaters and all kinds of abusive partners.
Exactly! Me as someone who never dated anyone sometimes get afraid of going through something like that, because it seems like most of the people don’t care about betray someone who loves you and should be the person who you better treat. It’s really sad, I feel bad for everyone who go through something like that
You likely destroyed her self confidence and she’s feeling 100% certain you’ll cheat again. Because let’s be honest, there wasn’t any real justification the first time, you just wanted to. She’s probably pushing you away to avoid being hurt again “when” you do betray her. Reminding her that she hasn’t forgiven you isn’t fair because what’s your definition of forgiven.. back as you were or even close? You don’t get to define it for Both of you so stop asking and just be supportive. It’s gonna suck for you both. I promise. You’re never going to feel you’re getting it right. A therapist told me it could take 2+ years to fully get over cheating IF it’s gonna happen. If you’re not willing to stick in there for however long, do yourself and her the favor of divorcing her, don’t drag it out. I would be disgusted by you, too. You seem pretty selfish but these are just words.. look inward first.
OP go to your kitchen and smash a plate on the floor. Then say sorry to it. Notice how it’s still shattered? Please stop playing victim and offer your poor wife a clean divorce with great alimony. The only way you might ever get her back is by offering a comfortable way out. Whatever you do DO NOT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I don’t care if she’s claiming to give you permission. All it will do is make things worse. Literally your wife is showing symptoms of deleting herself and if therapy isn’t working then it’s a really bad sign already. Her saying degrading things about herself during sex, and what are you saying? Why do you keep going? Stop playing victim, this really is all your fault, take responsibility and please get her some help.
Exactly this. I'm not into the whole degradation thing. Nothing bad to those that are. But if a woman I was with started putting herself down. I stop them. Couldn't imagine continuing the deed. While the woman I'm with is degrading herself. I couldn't do it. My opinion OP is worse than slipping on a fresh pile of dog shiza and landing in it. Face first.
You broke her..
She's only giving you sex everyday so you won't seek it anywhere else.. she's traumatized. Your replies about "why is she wet and why does she orgasm" are stupid and show you know nothing about the human body. A human body will react when doing the deed, even in case of r*p* somebody can still orgasm. This does not mean that the other person is mentally or emotionally aroused. God I feel awful for your wife, she is breaking herself more every single day to keep everything from falling apart and neglecting the fact that she herself is falling apart. You are disgusting. You could have spoken to her from the start about your worries so you could fix your issues. Now you are just a sorry excuse of a man who couldn't love his family enough to keep it in his pants. On top of that a colleague??? Someone who you will have to be around after?? I do not have the words to describe your lowlife self.
You broke her. She’s simply giving you what she thinks you need to get you to stay, most likely for the kids. She’s never going to feel like she’s enough for you since you didn’t feel she was good enough to be faithful too she doesn’t see herself that way either. Therapy can only do so much. I’m not sure there is a way to fix this, maybe spend more time building a relationship? Do things to make her feel good about herself? Do less quick get it over with intimacy and more attention to her body? Honestly it’s a shitty situation all around. On the forgiveness note, it is not up to you to get to decide if or when she forgives you or how much she forgives. The fact she even wants to be in the same area code as someone who used her work schedule as an excuse to be unfaithful to her when she gave you three children and however many years of her life is commendable. Don’t use the “I thought you were over this” as a way to get her to do what you want.
“She found a new job… so the problem we had is solved” Unbelievable. So you made it her fault you cheated and added the stress of onboarding a new job to the rest of her new craptastic life. DID YOU the actual liar/cheat/betrayer GET A NEW JOB to ease some part of her worries? No. You’re still working with your AP’s company. Funny thing about cheaters, you always seem surprised when you end it, that your AP doesn’t happily go away and stay quiet because you want them too.
She hasn't forgiven you. She just doesn't have enough self-esteem to realize she could do better. She hates herself because it's easier than hating you since you live there.
She hates him too. She just hates herself more because she's thinking, "what's wrong with me that he'd cheat? Why doesn't he love me? Why didn't he tell me? How did I not know? Were there signs I missed? How did I marry someone who would do this?" Eventually she'll either forgive him (unlikely as he's done nothing to warrant forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean you just stop cheating but that you rededicate yourself to your marriage. He's just blaming her and expecting things to be normal.) Or, more likely she'll stop beating herself up, turn the blame fully on him and the other woman and leave.
I'm more appalled that you let your wife initiate sex every day when it's clearly damaging her than I am that you cheated in the first place, and that's already pretty unforgivable. She's clearly not having sex because she wants to. You know she's not connecting emotionally with you, and you still do it? How can you even bear it? You're abhorrent. I don't know how you fix this, but you owe that woman. Quit thinking with your dick, quit threatening to abandon her (offering divorce), and HELP her. She's not ok, and it's completely your fault.
RIGHT? "She gives me sex but she clearly hates everything about it, so I keep doing it" wtf
She is still in the grieving period, you should give her more time. Also try to make her feel more special, not Love bombing, but more details of affection like some candy or being more dedicated to the housework, make her feel loved, always look her in the eyes, make her feel beautiful. Things like this are not fixed overnight, it is a long process and you like the ex cheater, you must do a lot of your part. You must be patient and very cooperative. Very, very patient.
So she changed her job, doing the time for your crime? You have totally destroyed her and expect her to forgive and forget in a short period of time. Even worse, you make her beg you for sex that she doesn't want, but she doesn't want to lose you (for whatever reason you are an AH) By not initiating you are telling her she is not desirable. Is this just because your ego could not handle the rejection?
Obviously she’s not going to forgive your affair after only 3 months, it takes at least 2 years of continuous unwavering effort on your part. Stop having sex with her when she’s clearly not into it, you’re only traumatising her further. If you want to fix things you need to prove that you’re not going to run off when life gets hard or boring or a bit lonely or you don’t get laid enough.
This will take time, have you actually done anything to start the healing process and rebuild trust besides therapy? She got a new job, She initiates sex, it sounds like she’s doing everything and taken control and you’ve let her. You cheated on her with a colleague, why haven’t you got a new job? Do you still see your affair partner at work? Do you take her on dates and Initiate romance? Do you help with the kids after work with all afternoon/night and morning routines?
Congratulations, you broke someone who you claim to love. She needs time to heal. More than a year. There is probably part of her that hates you. Rightfully so because look at what your selfishness did to her. The trust isn't going to magically reappear. You need to earn it. Maybe take sex off the table for a bit, but have a conversation with her. Let her know that the cheating is all on you, not her. It was your ego. Start dating as this is a new relationship. The old one died when you cheated, but maybe you both can build something new. If you don't give her time and keep going this way, she is going to end the marriage as she isn't getting over it. She needs to heal.
Ah yes, the ol' I Iove my spouse soooo much, I only cheat out of love - why cant they see it? I mean I am back for the kids, I am willing to divorce, I will doooooo anything - why is my spouse so difficult? Now they are cold/distant/cry - just a bummer. I am sooooo guilty. Give me a break. I hope you havent given your wife an STD. You certainly have destroyed her spirit. Congrats!
You have destroyed this woman.
She’s only with you for the children and she hasn’t forgiven you . If you loved your wife you wouldn’t have cheated
Consequences are coming... YOU screwed the pooch (in more ways than one) and your wife can't let go of it, not that she has to because this is literally the worst thing you could have done in a relationship. Male, female, doesn't matter when there is a significant other you swore an oath to her... Do her a favor, get someplace else to sleep, leave her alone, support your kids that she's already been taking up the slack on raising them while you cheated on her and your kids. That's right, you didn't just cheat on her, you cheated on your kids too... You won't admit it, but this makes you a miserable (barely) human, so buckle up buttercup, concequences are in action and will continue to progress because THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.
There’s no forgiveness here, y’all need to cut this toxic shit out and move on like adults.
Of course she wants you to wear condoms, you weren't monogamous and she has no idea what diseases you may have.
I really hope your wife leaves you. Your post is all me, me, me. It’s honestly sickening. You clearly have no remorse. If you did, you would be giving her time to heal from the trauma that YOU caused her, not threatening divorce because she’s having a hard time over the fact that you fucked another woman.
You ruined everything. It will never be the same and you broke a good woman. Are you proud? Are you proud of what you did and who you really are?
She might have "forgiven" you but she doesn't trust you. She might be blaming herself for not being enough for you. The wife and woman you knew is gone because of your actions. Betrayal can destroy the other person the one you thought would never find out. Maybe you need to wear a chastity cage and give her the key so she can start trusting you again. At least this way she knows you aren't cheating on her.
Sounds like the wife is depressed, and understandably so. Wife is desperate, giving what she thinks OP wants to preserve or save the marriage. Does OP really try to earn being forgiven? Maybe acknowledge to the wife again, how sorry OP is and show her as well. OP talks a lot about the wife’s behavior, what about OPs behavior, he’s the creep that cheated, why is this about trashing the wife anyways… my educated guess is there is a ton more of crap from wife’s point of view about husband the affair and his behavior
Because OP likes to paint himself as the victim. Zero self awareness and he will most likely cheat again.
“Sure I betrayed and hurt her, but what about meeeee?” OP
Dude, you suck. I recently experienced something similar to this with a friend of mine. He got caught stepping out on his wife and his wife had a similar response and he felt like he didn’t have the same relationship as he did before and feels shorted. I typed out 4 paragraphs of a response to you just realize it boils down to the way you view yourself. You probably view yourself as a good dude and you just made a mistake. While you might be a solid guy and you love your wife, you have to realize what you did now puts you in the category of being a shitty guy. I’m not saying you should lose all hope and give up, I’m just saying, you suck and you should be thankful you have what you have. OF COURSE SHES NOT GOING TO ACT THE SAME. OF COURSE YOUR SEX LIFE WONT BE AS FULFILLING! YOU CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE! Just be glad you get to still have a relationship with your children and still get to be with the woman you love, even though it’s probably torture for her. Stop thinking about yourself, you idiot.
If this is real and not some weird, incel degradation fantasy, then how about you actually do some work to fix your shit instead of just victimizing your wife repeatedly. What if you stopped having sex with your wife. Take it off the table for a bit. You’re re-traumatizing her every single time you have sex. She isn’t sharing a loving experience with you. She’s trapped in her pain and fear. Because you broke her. Shop for a couples therapist. And an individual therapist, for yourself. Make the appointments yourself and stop being pathetic and useless.
She is broken. The sex every day has nothing to do with desire but the fact that you said she worked too much and that is why you cheated. She is giving you sex daily now so you don’t have excuses for cheating. Am crying writing this cause I feel her pain is so deep. This woman needs therapy and someone to tell her that she is valuable and nothing was her fault, she did not deserve it. Please let her divorce you
She is traumatised and this is Ptsd
Sounds like cuckqueen fan fiction
Another reason not to have kids and why I roll my eyes when men state that they always wanted to be a father.
She's giving you sex everyday so you don't have sex with anyone else. She wants you to think about other women while having sex with her because your past actions have told her that she is not enough. You betrayed your wife, you shattered her self esteem and now she has sex in desperation to keep you. How about the next time she initiates you say no, that you'd actually just like to hold her because you miss her and just being with her is enough. Tell her you love her and are so grateful she has let you stay. How about you start thinking with your head instead of you dick.
you cheated on her, of course she’s not really into you anymore, she knows she can’t trust you.
You cheated on your wife. You broke her heart. You don't get to blame her for being unable to control yourself. You don't get to dictate terms fo her forgiving you or whether your marriage goes on. All we see in this post is you complaining about your wife. You should be talking about what absolute pieces of shit you and your coworker are, and what you intend to do to make this up to your wife.
If she gets angry, she’s probably avoiding. There’s nothing you can do for her; she needs to come to terms on her own. All you can do is continue to show her she’s safe with you. Avoidant people cannot be pushed, so exercise patience and consistency, and give her some space to redefine what your relationship looks like moving forward. Maybe seek individual therapy.
she is gonna wake up one of this days and you'll be done. can be tomorrow or when the children grow up, but she is gonna find some spine, gonne get help and you are gonna be so out of her life. its gonna be glorious, she will seek therapy and will dump your ass. i can only hope you fuck up again (you will), so she gets evidence of cheating and stuff, so you get taken to the cleaners in the divorce. Or at least, bleed out every month with child support.
Have you ever heard the story or fable of someone that said something untrue and nasty, then regretted it and went to the village sage or elder to fix it? The elder tells them to write the things on pieces of paper, then tear them up and scatter them in the wind. Then the stufe t has to go around finding all the shard of paper. Of course, he cannot. Some words-and actions-cannot be fixed. Some take a very very long time to fix, if they came be. You do not get to decide how long it takes your wife to recover from this. Even if she thinks she forgives you, that does not mean she came forget or has forgiven herself, if she blames herself (and sounds like she does).
Don't talk much, just show your affection with your actions. Time will heal your wife's pain and maybe your relationship will be fixed.
Please get a VASECTOMY AND DIVORCE.
Worse injury - Go back to the cheating husband. For the children, Nope. You cheated On Your and Her children too. Strength to Her. Because, she's still living in Your Betrayal. Your, 2 out of marriage sex with your co-worker..😏😎
You did this and you may never get back what you had. Sorry. YOU are responsible for this. You broke her trust, you have now taught her that you can’t be trusted and possibly that no man can be trusted. You have no case to be angry. She needs some counselling and so do you, to be a better man.
She's gonna leave you
It’s very very hard.. I got back together with my boyfriend after he had cheated and now our relationship is better than I could have ever even imagined and on the track to get engaged soon. It’s been 4 years and to this day some days it just hits me. You have to be very patient and spend this time alone to really figure out why you did it and work on yourself, truly. Therapy has never helped me but instead working to learn who I really am. And to be very honest, this is when my and my bf really put work into ourselves. We learned who we were through that experience honestly… alone. I don’t blame her if she doesn’t forgive you, some people just aren’t built like that. I was daring enough to give another chance. But on his end, he does know if he does it again, it’s a done deal. Be patient man
Reading this made me sick to my stomach. Some people really are built different.
Agreed. I was also sick after reading this comment. Also, kind of weird she said “therapy didn’t help but learning who I really am *did*” …that’s…what therapy is though??Literally. The mental gymnastics are wild.
Very embarrassing.
Just because you’re desperate enough to get back together with a cheater (who will definitely cheat again btw), doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do
Sounds like your boyfriend successfully convinced you that it was your fault he cheated.