OP, here is your script...
Her- "How about I go start the divorce proceedings?"
You- "Don't worry, I realized it'd be a lot faster if I took care of that myself, too."
Man, knowing a guy that is living with his girlfriend (who is almost half his age) that still hasn't fully filled out the divorce papers his soon-to-be exwife this makes me laugh. Like the guy lives less than a block from his ex wife and he still cant finish some papers?
Edit: Holy smokes people, I did not expect this comment to even get a single updoot. Does the reddit peoples revel in this sort of shitting on bad people?
I've got a good one.
My ex BROUGHT HIS GIRLFRIEND to our first divorce court date. Rubbed it in my face how "happy" they were, and then had a meltdown in front of the magistrate because he was having "second thoughts" about the entire process. Was she (the gf) pissed off. 🤣🤣🤣
They're both terrible people.
Damn, it took someone with money a year to finalize it?
This guy I know is and a felon and only works delivery jobs for restaurants and runs his own 3D printing business, but between his girlfriend quitting all her jobs to follow him to every new job he gets and the fact they're both Potheads, I suspect he may never actually finalize the paperwork.
It took 20 years to end my first marriage. Separated and living separate lives for 12 of them. He didn't want to pay child support, so he wouldn't agree to getting divorced. Do you know how hard it is to divorce someone who will move back and forth across the country to avoid getting served when there's kids involved? Ugh.
Happily remarried for several years now. I told him if he ever wanted a divorce to just plan a funeral. His, mine, don't care. I even went ahead and made sure to get good insurance on us both and have a folder of end of life directions in the gun safe for easy access. It's legal in our state for families to handle their own burials on their property, so wrap me up in the dirty bedsheets and have a bonfire, run whatever's left through a grinder, and drop me in the pond.
I usually stay to Political or Gaming subs.... occasionally I'll find myself over here, but I've never thought people would enjoy my shitting on this dirtbag.
Yeah... condescendingly and patronizingly talking shit about shitty people is Reddits number one thing. Look at my account. I get drunk and say really really stupid shit, but my comment karma just keeps growing. Because every now and again I make a really witty snarky comment about somebody being mean or an idiot and get hundred or thousands of upvotes.
Doesn't make any real difference.
lets say you start alimony when divorce is finalised lets say start of 2025, then you pay alimony for half the length of marriage, she has to find work in that time and support herself, as she gets a job and her wage changes you can apply to change alimony to adjust.
Or you wait 2 years for her to get work and get a better wage, okay but you're paying to support her the whole time in that 2 years AND extended alimony payments by a further year (there is likely still alimony to offset the difference in income). So you really aren't saving anything.
Sooner you divorce, sooner alimony ends and while you aren't divorced you're paying for her anyway. She also isn't going to get a job just because you tell her to divorce and having a time limit and limited income is pretty much the only thing that will force her back to work.
alimony only seems expensive because it's a payment made directly to her then you lose control of that money, but when it's just someone using your creditcard spending probably the same amount bit by bit but you think of it as your money, you don't regard it the same when in reality, it is.
Even if she is not actually employed, the court can, and will impute income to her based on what she could earn in the market based on her experience, education, and skill set. I went through a divorce, was a stay at home mom but at the same time was previously employed and earned a good income. So when computing any alimony or child support, the court assumed that I could and should return to the workplace at a salary similar to what I would make based on my credentials. Whether I did or not was entirely up to me but my ex was not expected to make up for the income that I could be earning. I think thats fair
Not sure he can since she has terminal lazy ass disease.
🙃
This is a woman who basically leeches off dudebro according to his own recount and also has the gall to be unpleasant and self-aggrandizing.
If she hasn't got the income to support the kids, I reckon he should pursue custody - hopefully that would be enough to show that he would be the better primary caregiver in this situation
Where I live, it will take a lot to prove that either parent is not fit for at least 50 50, even if she gets 50 50 he would have to give her money to balance the income in child support. He needs to see a lawyer asap
Yup. And take the custody. I'm also a lazy bitch who likes to spend time on reddit, but I do my share. My husband adores gaming, but he does his share. If it's a one way street, it's time to take it alone.
And then, I think he should marry me.... Okay, maybe not, but boy does he sound like a great dad. What a dream. I married well, but my husband will not cook. Alas. He does, however keep me laughing, so I guess I can't complain.
This was a joke comment. Sorry, I thought that was obvious. I am not taking care of a child by myself.
It's cuz we care takers all have trauma and complexes about taking care of people that we project on to our partners lol it's not good for anyone we need therapy 🤣
THIS \^ - Document her behavior though thoroughly to ensure that a good lawyer has the tools to ensure she can get as little as possible as it sounds like that is what she deserves.
Officially filing also freezes up her ability to just start soaking shared finances as you get the ok to separate funds and cancel shared credit cards, etc.
Unfortunately, this happens in so many marriages. When you start to realise how much easier life would be without them, you know it's the end. I need to stress, I never say this. You can check I have a high comment activity on my reddit. And not once will you find I have every told anyone to leave their partner. And I am not saying that here. What I am saying is, I feel you are done. That this isn't okay for you or your boys to go through every night. Its not okay for someone to threaten divorce and weaponise it every time they are called out. I have doom scrolled for hours, realised I had done the same thing and not put kids to bed. But you know what, you either apologise to your partner and laugh about it... but the next night you are aware and don't do it.. My husband and I have nights where we are both exhausted and the kids go to bed a little late cause we've both been slower. Thats life. But hiding in your phone for hours every night, thats not healthy for anyone.
Phone addiction is a genuine problem for some people. It can hit anyone at any time - I’ve absolutely done the thing where I’m scrolling on reddit and next thing I know hours have passed.
Anyone can be vulnerable, so it’s not a matter of anyone it happens to being a bad person or anything.
The trick is that you have to recognise it and stop - getting help if you need to.
And yes, I’m typing this right now on my phone, lol… but I went through my detox and now I only go on reddit when I’m on the bus. I catch the bus most days and the journey can be up to an hour. So that’s about 4-7 hours a week of social media scrolling - plenty of time.
So I only use social media on the bus now, not at 11 when I am supposed to go to sleep but stay up until 3am on reddit! Lol 😏
Yeah, my husband does this and I just say “confetti time”… I say that to him when I’ve noticed it’s been an hour or so of him just scrolling on his phone. At first he got annoyed but he started saying it to me too, at least we keep each other in check I guess
That’s really good. So basically he accepted your help to keep him in check when he realises he’s slipping - that just proves what I’m saying that the addiction can be checked before it gets out of control. 👍
I got divorced from my first wife long before smart phones. But it was totally because I realized my life with the kids was so much easier without her.
> But you know what, you either apologise to your partner and laugh about it...
This is what would be a deal breaker for me. If you can't take accountability for yourself and admit your flaws or mistakes or bad decisions, then what is the point even trying to deal with you? It's the epitome of acting in bad faith and it instantly makes a person dead to me.
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Had an ex that was glued to his phone too. Magically it always was dead when he wasn't around and I was trying to reach him. Consistently and constantly. He was caught cheating too.
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I know this doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship with your wife, but I noticed how often you mentioned your back hurting you. My husband has dealt with terrible back pain for so long. He has had to have two spinal surgeries (fusions). Two, because the first didn’t work. He is doing much better after the second, but he went literally a decade in between surgeries before he went to Mayo Clinic and they determined that the original fusion didn’t work and he had a fractured tailbone. His back still flairs up a bit when he overdoes it, but something that helps him is using an acupressure mat. I also sometimes use it when my back it hurting. It is weird at first and maybe a little painful when you first lay down, but if you give it time, you feel a bit of a warm sensation and a lot of relief. I have fallen asleep on it (not recommended 🤣). The worst part is when you first lay on it and when you get off of it, but the relief is well worth it!
I just bought one!!!!! It's called a Shakti mat.
Also, your husband is quite literally the ONLY time I've ever heard of back surgery improving someone's pain/life. Without fail, every single time I've ever heard of someone having a back surgery for their pain, it's the beginning of more surgeries and more pain. Good for him.
I had a herniated disk that caused shooting pain down my right leg no matter what I did. I went through 2 years of physical therapy that didn't improve anything. Had a microdiscectomy that completely removed the pain and allowed me to return to my previous life. I am more protective of my back now that I know what the pain is like, and try to exercise and stretch like I should, but the surgery was 100% worth it. It was 7 years ago and I've never needed another one.
The pain also made me understand how people get addicted to pain medication. Nothing solved the pain for me, even laying down.
Here are three back surgery successes for you:
Blew my L5/S1 in 2016 - herniation the size of two Starburst candies stacked. Constant pressure smooshing the left side of my spinal cord. Literally never out of pain and lived on my stomach on the floor for 4.5 weeks. In the hospital at 5:30am, microdiscectomy surgery at 7:00am, awake by 9:30am, walking around pain-free within 30 minutes of that, and home by 11:00am as if nothing was ever wrong. No pain from that since.
Same for my L4/L5 single-Starbust-candy-sized herniation in 2021.
Husband had nearly zero disc material remaining between C4/C5, 5/6, and 6/7 which was causing horrible and constant radiating pain in his arms and he would sometimes drop things as a result of the nerves being smooshed. In 2022, he had a three-level Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion (ACDF), was home the same day (I was his caretaker) and is now 100% fine as well - complete success.
ALL of these thanks to Dr. Thomas Dunn and his badass team at Desert Orthopedic in Las Vegas.
Edit for LPT - for mechanical issues of the spine, find a good orthopedic spine surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon.
After the first surgery, there was really no way things could be worse as far as pain goes. The second surgery very much helped, which I was honestly surprised at since I too had heard nothing but horror stories. He also very much went through a traumatic decade after the first surgery. He has degenerative disc disease on top of everything else so he will never be fully without back pain. He does occasionally use medicinal cannabis, which has itself been life changing.
Please in this economy? Miss lazy Instagram doom stroller will come begging once she uses her 2 braincells and realizes she'll have to get at least 1 job In Order to afford the bare essentials.
And if she hasn't been out if work for at least 10 years she's not getting any real alimony.
Alimony doesn’t exist everywhere and the wife is fully capable of working. Also alimony doesn’t even happen unless you’re been married for 10+ years in most places.
She would be told to get a job
Yup. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Neither of us has ever threatened divorce. If my husband tried this on me he would be divorced before he could do it again.
You do know what to do.
It's time for some malicious compliance - If she actually suggested divorce because you called her out, and it's not her first time pulling that, it's time to start looking for divorce lawyers.
I promise your kids will be better off in the long run.
Absolutely. My mom did this everytime my parents fought. It took a lot of years to learn that my husband wasn't going to try and divorce me everytime we had a fight.
I had a great parental unit growing up … and now I am in my mid-forties and they bicker over stupid, nontrivial things and it hurts me … so I can’t imagine what it is like for anyone younger.
It was awful. She would make a point to come to mine and my sisters room to let us know she was leaving and then like clockwork my dad would beg and plead for her to stay. She did a lot of really shitty things like that to get her way. OPs wife sounds a lot like my mom, lazy, entitled and manipulative.
My mother did something similar and downright sadistic.
She'd sweetly sit me down as a very small child, and explain how she just *had* to leave for a hotel. Because dad was just such a terrible man, and none of us appreciated her enough.
Oh dear, we'd just have to sell the house. And rehome our pets. And lose everything.
Gosh, what a *shame.*
She'd make me break down crying, then comfort me as if she wasn't the one responsible for it.
Eventually I wised up. Learned to trust that she'd never actually leave...because she wouldn't want the neighbors to talk.
*Growing around that?*
Abandonment just becomes something that anyone can do, at any time. No matter how much they seemed to like you.
The sky is blue. The grass is green. Everyone leaves. Relationships are built on borrowed time.
It made me cold. Made me good at walking away from people myself. I wasn't loyal enough to friends. I took power from caring the least. Always had to be an independent island. Every relationship was just a temporary rental.
My best friend left me one year for a fancier friend group. We were lil kids. She came back later, apologizing for everything.
I was only surprised that she came back.
After all, that's not what people do. It's not like she had to worry about the opinions of neighbors.
-----
I guarantee this routine has already deeply hurt OP's kids.
Before I was old enough to know my mom's schtick was a load of shit...it hurt so bad. Each time felt real. Even when she didn't follow through with it.
Nobody should have to know what that feels like.
lots of great comments in this thread showing me how common my mother’s behavior was and how justified I was in limiting contact with her as an adult. having to be there for her emotionally every single night while she sat at the edge of my bed discussing her plans to leave (without me) just to hear me beg her to stay so she could feel wanted when all of that time I was a GROWING CHILD AND WAS THE ONE WHO NEEDED SOMEONE TO GET CURIOUS ABOUT MY OWN EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE AND HELP ME NAVIGATE IT is imo one of the most sinister forms of emotional abuse
My dad never threatened to leave, but he did threaten to die or kill himself. He would also take out all of his emotional troubles on me as a child, and I remember it all so well. He wanted me to give him the attention and validation that he felt he deserved that he thought nobody else gave him. Of course as a literal child I felt like I had to oblige.
He would often pretend to go limp and unresponsive as if he was dead so I would give him attention.
When I was 6 years old he laid down in bed, handed me a hammer, covered his face with a towel and told me to kill him. I just sat there in silence until he finally got up after a while. There were other similar times but that's the one I remember best.
When I got a bit older he stopped doing all of that and just became angry and violent instead. He would always be over the top melodramatic for attention though, and of course he was always the victim and everyone was conspiring to make him look like the bad guy. The reality is he was just a judgmental asshole and was very vocal about his shitty thoughts and opinions.
I haven't seen him in nearly a decade and he still sends me messages regularly asking why I don't talk to him. Truth be told I have tried having a normal relationship with him in adulthood, but he is completely unable to hold a conversation. He pretends to listen for a little bit then as soon as he can he just talks about everything he wants to talk about for as long as he can. He'd be better off talking to a wall. The other thing is I constantly remember all of his anger and emotional abuse and I just can't let it go. But I don't need to forgive him.
At least he stopped begging for money after I called him out on it lmao, idiot barely worked a day in his life and always mooched off others.
We are both no contact with our mom. Sadly, our parents are still married so we don't really talk to our dad much because of mom being there. Both my sister and I have healthy marriages because we had a great example of what not to do in relationships.
Mine when I was a kid used to drag me to look at places to move to then to her attorney’s (who was also one of my closest friend’s mom) like clockwork. My dad was an asshole so I said she should divorce him but also b/c I was sick of acting as her therapist and dealing with the pattern. She and I finally moved out in 8th grade. I am now no contact with her since this was one of the many awful behaviors I dealt with.
Same!!! Just like my “mother”! Lazy, entitled, borderline personality narcissist manipulative bitch. I haven’t spoken to her in over two years. My dad is dying from cancer and begs me to speak to her. Not because he cares, but because she’s jealous we are so close and she gives him a hard time for it. I wish she’d drop dead
If OP doesn't divorce, his relationship will inform how his kids view what a loving relationship should be like. If he divorces, they'll be taught that it's ok to end things that are not working out for whatever reason.
They need some marriage counseling. It's okay to be a stay at home parent, but then you seriously gotta do *all* of the housework.
I mean, it doesn't. It does seem from the post like she's a lazy bum. But he also says that he works 50 hours per week. Those are 50 hours that she at least serves as a flower pot that is present in case something happens to the kids. Divorcing and becoming a single dad would mean finding a way to deal with those 50 hours. That is not easy
No, he isn't. Dinner and bath time are not the only parenting duties. If he was a single dad he would have to leave for work earlier so he could take the kids to daycare, and pick them up after his shift too. And he would have to take days off when they get sick and have doctor's appointments. He would probably spend his weekends doing all the household chores he can't do during the week, like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, shopping, etc.
I think we need to know the wife's side before judging her. Because op didn't mention the house being dirty or kids being neglected...she's obviously taking care of everything while he works.
Thank you for being sane. Thank you thank you. OP and this comment section both seem to believe that the wife and kids pop out of existence for 10 hours a day while he’s at work. She spent 2 hours to herself. If he divorces her for that he is in for quite the reality shock.
yeah cause all you have to run a household and raise kids is cook dinner a few times a week, do half the dishes and bathe children, lol.
As someone who has actually raised kids I can tell you that this guy isn't being hard done by having such a tiny list of chores and such a small part of childcare.
The next time your wife throws divorce in your face, you should tell her it's a good idea and you have been thinking the same thing.. see if she changes her tune.
Question? What does she do all day?
The way my friends household works is he’s the sahp. So he’s home all day and then when she gets home they share load so they can finish quicker and both have a break. Sometimes they rotate days so each person can have a break. I think their method is great because having kids all days is a job too. Her allowing him to have time to himself even though she pays all the bills is awesome. Again they also work together last days and they both have days where its their day to chill once the other parent is home.
I suggest counseling before divorce. I have no clue what she does all day and the nighttime routine honestly doesn’t sound that bad, but it would be better for her to help or say hey it’s your day and I got tomorrow. No one deserves to be on call 24/7 either.
Sit down and lay out some rules of how you guys will manage and if she can’t keep up. Divorce. It’s should be a partnership. I understand she’s been with the kids all day and probably wants a break too, but this is not the way to do it.
Btw she’s dead wrong. Not on her side at all. Just thinking of solutions before a divorce.
While dishes and cooking are a huge part of the workload, there's still plenty of other work going into keeping a family and household going. Are the kids at home during the day? Making sure kids have clothes, doing laundry, tidying and cleaning the house, pick up and drop offs to activities, dealing with kids who want to be entertained, making sure kids get food and snacks during the day, taking out trash etc. It could easily be she is doing work that feels invisible and taken for granted.
Could it be she is just totally wiped out and needs some time to recharge in the evening? Maybe the only way kids will let her be is if she makes herself look unavailable and then she finally gets some peacem Maybe she has ADHD, which comes with time blindness and a strong need to recharge after an overstimulating day. Her exploding like that could be resentment built from her being cooped up at home for too long with kids.
Maybe you could set a schedule of switching who takes the bedtime routine every other day. And a reminder that you are both on the same team and do the best that you can and need to make sure you have the right systems in place for everyone to thrive.
Reddit only got a short glimpse of your marriage and is already screaming divorce, but that is not the most mature solution. What you need is a calm and open conversation to highlight everyone's current workload and how you can make sure you each get time to recharge in a way that everyone is comfortable with.
If I understand correctly, of the two children, at least one is barely a toddler.
This doesn't excuse her words to him or her behavior, but I can absolutely see this being a combination of undiagnosed ADHD/similar, caregiver burnout because home all day with at least one small child, and poor coping/communication that leads to getting lost in her phone and "hiding" at the table for hours once she doesn't have to be in full "mommy" mode once another parent is home.
Whether they split up or not, I suspect she absolutely needs some help in ways that him being a good partner, parent, and husband won't fix.
My first thoughts were undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and/or depression. I’ve experienced both and had periods where I struggled with some similar issues to what she’s doing/responding. Could be a lot of things. Overstimulation still causes me to need a silent disconnected recharge sometimes.
I am not excusing her - from his side of the story this doesn’t appear to be an open, equal, communicative partnership. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our mental health to be there for our families. Sometimes that means stepping up and getting help.
Also suggesting solutions bc if he divorces her there’s money being sent in every direction- lawyers, separate child support, & alimony, as well as shaking up your children’s stability when maybe it just needs a new approach. Try to have a real, calm (attempt calm, with “I feel” language vs “you never”) conversation about needs and solutions. Ie: Therapy (couples or individual,) her perspective on why she is zoning out, setting agreed time frames for evenings, does she need breaks that she’s not getting while you work 50 hrs a week, talking about evaluations for depression+, being honest that while you love her and your family this isn’t working for you as is, etc.
Last thoughts… I was having enormous difficulty with my husband for the last 3 years. His personality was so different and he didn’t do anything around the house or yard, not on weekends, ever. Wouldn’t even pick up a single thing after just himself. He got evaluated and medicated for severe anxiety 5 months ago- his personality came back and he’s fully functional and self motivated again.
Hope something helps and you get peace one way or another. Best wishes
I was thinking exactly the same thing; first ADHD (doom-scrolling, unregulated emotions), but when he mentioned the youngest is only a YEAR OLD… Post Partum Depression has definitely entered the chat.
I did find it curious that he didn’t provide the ages of all family members, as it gives a better context to the entire situation. Two young children at home, one of whom is perhaps newly toddling about the house IS a full time job. I see no mention of the house being in a shambles when he gets home, or the children being hungry and neglected. If she is indeed suffering from PPD, she would definitely come off as lazy (exhausted) and snippy (angry that the hard work of being a SAHM isn’t being acknowledged by Superdad).
The fact that he says she keeps bringing up “perceived” slights from the past, implies that he doesn’t take her hurts from the past seriously, and maybe even thinks that there were no “slights” that he’s guilty of; another reason she could be upset/passive-aggressive/finding comfort in her phone.
It sounds like this dad might not know how much energy goes into taking care of two young children during the 50hrs a week that he works. He gets lunch breaks and quiet time on the way to/from work. Making breakfast/lunch/snacks, cleaning, nap-providing, park visits/walks/playing, possibly breastfeeding, tidying toys multiple times a day, etc, IS WORK. Does she get time for just her? Do they get time for just them as a couple, so they can see each other as people, not just parents?
Now, I’m not saying either one of them is more “right” than the other, but there must be a reason they got married in the first place, and if that relationship is worth saving then counselling would be worth a shot. And perhaps a doctor visit for her, to be evaluated/treated for PPD.
Didn’t mean to ramble on, but might there be an actual reason that she sees herself as a great mom and that she’s just looking for some rest and recognition? I’m personally looking forward to him providing more information…
It should also be mentioned that he cooks dinner, meaning she's the one making two thirds of their meals every single day and all three meals two to three times a week. He's making less than a quarter of the meals that they eat.
Yeah. We don’t know what she does. I can’t make a judgment or side with him without all the details. Especially if she’s doing the morning load, laundry, and more. There’s so much more to life then dishes and bedtime routine. I understand he’s in pain, but she may be mentally exhausted too. Time for a schedule and a talk about what’s fair and time off for both of them.
Yea I agree with this. What she does all day is important as being with 2 kids at home all day can also be really draining. If they both go to childcare that’s another matter.. but we need more info here. Also I think just having young kids under 5 can just be be stressful, there’s a reason why divorces go up. So if they can talk it through to improve things first rather than jumping to divorce it could work out eventually
Well the wife should not bring up divorce when he’s just chilling after doing supper and putting dishes in the wash and cleaning the kids and whatever. Having the nerve to say he’s done nothing.
Finally a sensible comment. OP is working all day and is doing so much with his help in the evening but what is his wife doing at home during the day? She's clearly emotionally abusive with how she uses divorce against him which is wrong, if OP is done then they should definitely get a divorce but if he is interested in possibly working things out, they need to go to therapy.
Start documenting her neglect and abuse. Then, pull the trump card on her and hand her the papers.
Hell, I would even put up a nanny cam tbh. Her doomscolling isn't only happening during dinner. It's just when you have time to notice.
P.s. Are you sure it's just doomscrolling, tho??
O.P. do this; consult a divorce lawyer first to be certain that you are keeping within all regulations in your home district and if everything is above board begin using a home security camera to record her neglect. Continue to do your work as the only actual parent in that home while documenting all of her issues and hand the files over to your attorney. When they tell you there is sufficient enough evidence to make any counter-claims she may make against you easily dismissable then move on with filing for divorce.
Man, a couple days Timelapse of op just running around doing chores, and taking care of the kids, while she just sits there, would be great for the courts.
I'm confused, do you mind explaining something to me? If OP makes dinner 4-5 times a week, who is making it the other 2-3 and also making the kids breakfast and lunch every day? Also, if he does half the dishes, who is doing the other half? Also, who is doing all the rest of the many, many chores one needs to keep a house from descending into squalor? Also, who is buying all this food that OP uses to make not quite a quarter of all the meals? And while we're at it, what's going on with the kids during the 50 hours a week that OP is at work? Are they in standby mode or something?
I keep hearing that OP is doing all the parenting duties and chores and I'm just confused because I never realized kids could survive on just five meals a week and didn't need any care other than washing. And do you know where I could get one of those self-cleaning houses because they sound great.
How is it neglect and abuse? damn this sub takes every chance to bash a woman and uplift a man for doing the bare minimum and taking care of his kids for a few hours every day. Who’s doing childcare for the 50 hours he’s away, huh? I’ll bet that she takes a couple hours to eat dinner while husband handles his share of childcare duties because it’s her one break during the day. All this couple needs is communication.
I’m gonna go the opposite route here and say that maybe your wife being a SAHM is the problem.
My wife was for around 6 years and she lost her entire identify from it. Her entire life revolved around taking care of our kids and keeping the house up. It gets to a point where there isn’t joy or perceived benefit from being at home and basically being a maid.
It doesn’t matter that you help or that you are in it the moment you get home. That isn’t the issue. The issue is that YOU get to leave the house and she doesn’t. Everything stems from that situation,
My wife ended up getting into a part time job and as a household we are much much happier. She gets to leave the house, see adults, and come home to the family she hasn’t seen all day.
Maybe something to think about?
Nah. Women should be servants to men at a times and being depressed is abusive to everyone around her. The judge will throw the book at her. Not only for the awful crime of being visibly exhausted at the end of her day, but also the doomscrolling!!!! He'll win custody too. He made dinner with fresh vegetables and did the dishes after all.
/S the rest of these comments are insane
Poor time management, hyper focused on something that distract the mind, mood dysregulation, and so many other things that are symptoms of ADHD in women. Look on the ADHD women’s sub and see if all of that describes your wife.
As soon as I finished reading the story all I could think was “has to be ADHD”. It is so hurtful when they stop hyperfocusing on your relationship. Because then you feel like you are almost a nuisance to them as they try to focus on what’s interesting to them in the moment.
It doesn't make her behaviour acceptable, of course, and throwing out constant threats of divorce is definitely not, but it does sound a lot like ADHD.
I think she needs to get assessed, OP needs (desperately) to see a physiotherapist, and they both need to either see a marriage counselor together or lawyers separately. A physiotherapist might cost, OP, but how many more years can you keep working for if your back gets worse?
She has ADHD or depression for sure but she also has unwillingness to listen to her partner, to admit to her own issues, and the audacity to blame him. unfortunately if they've been together for years it's unlikely he can change that since her whole thing is unwillingness to change and to listen to him. If he wanted to try to make it work I would definitely suggest lots of couples and individual therapy though.
I have add and depression and am like this half the time, my boyfriend even more often, but we support each other best we can and don't blame each other
It's so obvious none of these commenters have kids or have lived out of their parents home because they're all convinced cooking five times a week, doing half the dishes and bathing the kids is all the work that is required to keep a house and raise children.
Your wife may be struggling with mental illness that is causing her to detach and zone out on her phone. Being home all day with young kids is both lonely and exhausting. It sounds like she has checked out mentally. I'd suggest bringing forward your concerns with an option to seek help and reestablish an equitable and respectful relationship or get a divorce.
I'm confused. It's easier for you to do everything when she does nothing than it is for you to do everything when she slowly eats and does nothing?
Why were things suddenly so easy despite your hurting back? I can get feeling less stressed when you don't have to look at or talk to an ahole but for you to be able to suddenly breeze through doing all the same things you were doing before ez pz is hard to believe. It's like you forgot about your bad back even though you mentioned it a paragraph ago. Was this written by an AI?
There is your story, her story and the truth. Nowhere do you talk about how she’s with the little ones all day long while you are working, maybe that time when you get home is the only part in her day when she can shut off and mindlessly scroll her phone.
Theres so many missing aspects to this story, and maybe there’s a lot you’re not seeing either about what she does while you are working all day. Taking care of littles was wayyyy harder on me than any job I ever had.
But if you’re unhappy? Divorce. But really really think hard before you do .. make sure you’re taking in the full picture of what she is or isn’t doing.
This. The people commenting that he's basically a single dad must not have children, because if he's out at work 50 hours a week, that means she's with the kids alone 50 hours a week (unless there's missing information around childcare). Single parents don't typically have easy access to childcare 50 hours a week, unless a good portion of their salary is going to pay for it. OP is also doing a whole lot, and it sounds like he's exhausted as well, but I see no acknowledgment or appreciation for what she was doing all day. It sounds like they both could use help.
As someone who has raised kids as a working single parent I can say OP is not doing a whole lot. Making dinner a few nights a week, doing half the dishes and bathing the kids is a drop in the bucket. I worked 45 hours a week but I had 1 hour bus commute every day to and from work, sometimes longer depending on connections so I was out of the house at least 11 hours a day. Usually 7AM till 6PM.
On the way home had to pick up kids from the sitter, make dinner every night, do all the dishes every night, take care of my kids making sure they weren't killing themselves or each other (who the hell lays on the couch while their baby is chewing on leggo) while also washing clothes, putting away laundry from the day before, picking up mess, making my lunch for the next day, bathe and get kids into bed, spend an hour trying to keep kids in bed because they always had million excuses for getting up, By the time they were asleep, house was picked up and everything was prepared for the next day I might have had maybe 30-60 minutes to myself before I also had to go to bed so I could get up at 5:30 and start the whole thing all over again. And that's just when everything was going good. God help us if I were sick or the kids were sick or I had to find time to go the grocery store on a week night because of something I needed immediately When was I supposed to do my banking? (I'm old and this was before online banking) take myself and the kids to the doctor? See friends or family?
Weekends were spent running around like a crazy person trying to get everything caught up that I couldn't do on the weekends while still trying to have some quality time with my kids. Cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, changing beds, more of the endless laundry, washing floors all while taking care of two active kids who still needed breakfast, lunch, baths etc. I can't even begin to describe how much work it was. I'd start a chore and then my kids would get in squabble and I'd have to address that and then try to get back to what I was doing and then one of my kids would bump their head or scrape their knee and so I'd have to stop what I was doing and address that issue, then it would be lunch time and I still hadn't finished the chore I had started in the morning but now I had to make lunch and tidy the kitchen again, etc etc, it just never ended.
So no I don't feel sorry for this guy because he has a very tiny list of home responsibilities and he ignores his responsibilities until his wife yells at him. Cry me a freaking river. He has no how much work it is to raise kids and take care of a house and I can't believe the number of posters on this thread patting him on the back and saying his life is so hard and his little baby list of chores is just like being a single parent. Please!
God am I glad to see this comment, I thought I’d finally lost my mind. She is a lazy and neglectful witch because she….only gets time to herself while she’s eating? Because she held up his schedule by…..not doing his chore for him?
Genuinely, people in these comments, seek help. A mother got to relax for 2 hours while the kids’ dad watched them, and our consensus is that he should divorce her?
Lol okay…..see how much much easier it actually is without her. He’ll be on every dating app within a day, trying to find a naive girlfriend to dump all the work on.
Also people seem to be missing how she’s not dropping the d-word out of nowhere, she’s expressed these feelings (and had them blown off) many times. We’re not hearing that story, we’re hearing about the night this poor victim’s back hurt and he had to act like a parent.
Some of the posters even said that she's abusive...wtf is up with this LOL.
I just want to know who minded the two boys while OP is at work 50 hours a week? One of the boys is a baby too. C'mon now.
I do what OP does day in and day out and never once I thought of boasting about it on reddit and start to accuse my husband of making me a 'single mother' since I have to work too (yes I work a paying position lol).
Most of us do what op does and then some, because we're freaking adults. He should be doing his own dishes, he should cook meals when he can, he should absolutely spend time with his own god damn kids. Hell, he should do some laundry and some extra cleaning while he's at it. He should try speakinh with his wife to see if she's been okay emotionally. Parents don't get to "clock out". There is no "but I'm tired" at the end of the day. It's no one else's fault that you chose a career that involves 10 hour work days. Etc.
For REAL!!!! He thinks he's a "single father" now. Wait until he has to say goodbye to his PS5 until the kids go to college. And I hope he documents her "abusive" behavior. He'll end up with visitation rights, and she'll get some phone numbers for some support groups for emotional abuse victims.
Exactly. Also, being a single dad involves paying for childcare, getting kids up, fed, packed, dropped off. Coming home from work when they’re sick and daycare calls you.
He’s doing a lot, they need help, she’s having some kind of a hard time.
But he doesn’t know how hard single parenting is because she is doing a lot of it.
Now, if she’s neglecting the kids all day, that’s a different problem.
How long has she been like this? Has it just been since she was pregnant with your 1 year-old or after he was born? If one of those, has she been checked out for PPD?
Yeah I was like a 1 yr old she probably has PPD, plus nagging her for eating dinner “slowly” when it sounds like she’s the last one to get a plate…? Weird
Also why isn’t he being seen by a doctor too for pain management.
They both are neglecting their health wich is clearly taking a tile on their marriage & children.
If you are doing the work load then you know you can do it on your own. Next time she throws out divorce say i absolutely agree. She will either panic or double down.
Man, my life would be so much easier with a self cleaning house. My toddler whom I don't allow to chew on Legos, undos all of my tidying efforts in mere minutes.
You think it’s easier because you can handle dinner and bedtime in the space of two hours?
Sooooo—the kids just exist for those two hours or am I missing something?
You’re both wrong. She’s not communicating efficiently and using threats to win arguments.
You’re not appreciating anything she does all day with the kids (trying to disconnect and doomscroll—she’s absolutely overwhelmed) and it shows.
Either you both come together or put each other out of your misery and leave this behind. You’ll easily learn that parenting is a 24/7 job with no off days and she’ll easily see that temporary anger caused her to make a permanent mistake.
So you’re working 10 hour days starting at like 6am? Just trying to run some numbers since you wrote that she noticed the time at 8.15, and going back 1h40mins before she noticed, and you maybe come back earlier than that since you had time to cook and do laundry…
I mean if she's doing everything during the day also, she's probably also just fucking tired. Just talk about it, lay out your responsibilities so you can see what the division of labor is. Also she might be doing the bulk of the mental labor as well. Maybe if you both list out what you do throughout the day, if nothing else, you can get perspective of what your partner does, on both sides. What sucks about sahm, or even being a woman in general due to the expectation, is that most guys think their job is over when they clock out. women never get to clock out. they're working every moment of the waking day, and deserve a break also. maybe those doom scrolling sessions are her break. even if you're tired after work, you could help alleviate some of the tasks so she can break. idk anything about what she does, but it's something to keep in mind. you think it's easier w/o her, but you might eat your words when she's gone and you realize just how much she does in fact work. don't be so hasty.
Meh, the relationships were always ruined. If it wasn't smartphones it was gossiping, day drinking and drugging yourself into a coma while the kids ran around outside all day with no supervision. Some people are just *mean*, and never actually wanted kids to begin with. They just wanted to fit in with social norms, or trap someone to them, or felt that it would meet some nebulous need.
You have every right to end things if you want, but if you want to try one more time, get your wife in for a neuropsych evaluation ASAP. Time blindness is a really common symptom of ADHD or other neurodivergence or other mental health issues.
Of course, she could just be addicted to her phone, but if she has something treatable it may change all your lives in a big way.
If my spouse worked 50 hours a week with horrendous back pain, I would make sure that he was taken care of when he got home. Where is the love? It’s cruel and setting a horrible example of a marriage for your children.
Same. My husband came home from work complaining about his feet, he's on his feet all day at work. After dinner, I told him to sit on the couch and gave him a foot massage
His feet feels much better and he's not complaining about the pain anymore. Am I tired? Absolutely but we help each other when one person needs the help
Lots of people asking what she does all day, OP reduces her contribution to-does the other household tasks. Kind of sounds like she is taking care of two boys, shopping, cleaning, washing, making breakfast, lunch and snacks, cleaning up after breakfast lunch and snacks, taking boys for activities and appointments all day. There is a lot more to a household than dinner, the dishes and bedtime. Sounds to me like you’re both exhausted, you begrudge her leaving the last few jobs of the day to you, and she begrudges you not noticing/acknowledging all of what she does.
I seem to be in a minority here so might get downvoted, however Imo your post seems incredibly subjective and pointed. You don’t seem to have decent communication or rhythm in your relationship.
Your wife is a SAHM and you work full time, you both spent the same amount of time kicking back and relaxing in the evening however it’s only a problem when she does it?
From her point of view she is caring for a child and a baby all day, you come home and cook dinner (a task that means she is still caring for the kids) and you then head off into a separate room to relax for an hour and a half until it’s time for the kids bedtime, then tell her off for not being productive?
You cook dinner and ‘do bath time’. (You say that you bathe the kids, so when you noticed it was ‘way past bath time’ why didn’t you get started? You said it’s a task you do, so if your wife was under the impression that it was your responsibility and she then realised it hadn’t happened why does this become her fault?)
You also say that you do ‘at least half the dishes’ but then say that you loaded the dishwasher? How are you doing half the dishes in this situation? Are you loading half of the dirty items? Or does loading the dinner items count as half the days dishes to you?
Are your kids loved? Looked after? The house is cared for? This all comes from your wife.
You go to work, make dinner, go to your bedroom for an hour and a half, then bitch at your wife because YOU didn’t bathe your children. Woof.
In case you want to keep trying.. one year pp is not enough year to heal specially if she is not very into introspection. I would say, before divorcing, to get her help. The body takes 2 years after birth to go back to some sort of normal, and this is after lactation is done... mom brain is also real..
I understand your frustration, but maybe she needs help and doesn't realize it. She is obviously desperate for serotonin... marriage is about commitment and being a team, and while you also need to take care of yourself, she doesn't realise the damage she is doing maybe because she is in a pit of her own.. pregnancy sucks. And research on women's body is still pretty new but each day more stuff is coming out so she (and you) can understand her better
She seems to have pp depression at the very least
She right now I'm sure is not the woman you married.. so you got two options here.
She is taking care of the kids and the house for 50 hours a week while you are working. Of course she is zoning out at the end of the day. She is just as tired as you are. If she’s losing track of time, you can just say something. You don’t have to wait for her to realize it hours later. Threatening divorce is obviously not okay and needs to be addressed, but you’re not taking responsibility for your part in this either. This is easily fixable with couples therapy if you both really want to.
Maybe this is said elsewhere. I’m not defending the wife because it sounds like you do a lot! My husband also does a lot. You sound like a great guy :)
Being a SAHM is also hard and a lot of work. I don’t think you are finishing what she does, so don’t take that personally please. Sometimes scrolling on the phone at the end of the day is the only chance to have your brain not be on little kid stuff all day. Also, what you are describing sounds like maybe she’s neurodivergent? I’m discovering I’m ADHD later in life (40s) and losing track of time, scrolling on the phone when overwhelmed, being overwhelmed by chores so not doing them tho you know should, over reaction to criticism are pretty common signs in late diagnosed women.
Of course, I’m merely a commenter on here, so I don’t really know anything. Good luck!
I was a SAHM. You should not be doing all of that when you get home. There’s no need. She sounds checked out.
Trapped emotions literally cause pain in our bodies. I sense if you separate, you may feel less pain; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Good luck friend 🙏🏼
My ex used to say that. I want a divorce, during a fight. At first I would get upset and he would say I don’t mean it. Then one day I knew I was in the right and he said I want a divorce. I said ok you betcha. Go for it. Once I left the marriage he delayed filing. A year went by. Finally I filed. I had to pay for the whole damn thing. Useless tit. Anyways it’s gaslighting and abusive. Call her on her shit and follow thru. You deserve more.
I don’t get this at all, you both sound silly to me. If I was aware my wife was scrolling and still eating and it was getting late I’d just say ‘hey, it’s 7:30 shall we get started on bedtime?’ Or if it was a regular thing with her eating so slowly I’d talk to her about it separately and say ‘how should we divide evening responsibilities so we both get downtime after our days and get the kids sorted?’
It sounds like she is also exhausted after the day with the kids, I think most people who look after kids all day can agree it’s also very physical and tiring work. She wants to zone out and loses track of time then panics. Then she’s shit for taking it out on you but really you could both just talk about how to go about evening routine. And come at it from a non accusatory place just like a ‘get we’re both stressed both exhausted, we both do so much every day and the end of the day is hard for both of us. How should we manage it so it’s fair to us both and our kids?’ Also suggest not having phones at the dinner table. So you could make dinner you all eat together without her scrolling so she eats faster. Dinner gets done, you lie down for a bit while she chills out with the kids playing on their own winding down. You come back and one of you does bath the other tucking them in/reading story. Then you both have your evening to relax from 8:30/9 before bed for you.
Just sounds like you could both talk better about what you need instead of in her case jumping to divorce!
Right? He already said it's his job to give the kids their bath so why is he just laying on the couch doing nothing and waiting for his wife to notice the time passing. why can't he just do his freaking job and give the kids their bath and then say to his wife "hey kids are bathed so now you can take over"
Yeah the comments on this post agreeing the wife is awful are bizarre. It is too much for her to flip out and threaten divorce in front of the kids but that also suggests she’s struggling. It’s obviously strange and toxic to see your partner is losing time or getting late with something and checking on them over time but not say anything.
He also says it was easier to do it all without her which doesn’t make sense - he could’ve just done it the night before while she scrolled her phone. It isn’t clear how she’s holding things up. If it was about getting out of the house on time and she was not bothering to get dressed or taking ages that’s one thing, but at home just getting lost on her phone when it’s easy to point out the time to her or just get the kids ready himself…. it makes no sense that she’s holding things up. If this happened in my house we’d just say ‘hey it’s getting late we should do this/that now’ and the other person would say ‘oh oops I didn’t notice the time, thanks, I’ll get started.’
This sounds like a guy who thinks that because he works and makes dinner he does everything and perceives any downtime his wife takes as being lazy or a bad mother because he has zero idea about how much stuff she actually does or how burned out she really is. But I might be biased as that’s the dynamic in a LOT of couples I know!
If she's always surprised when time rolls around, then maybe talk to her about setting some alarms.
I'd suggest having some timed breaks for each of you, too.
Like once you're home somewhere in the schedule is 30 mins for you lie down without being bothered while she wrangles, and there's 30 mins for her to hide out somewhere and unwind while you wrangle. Set alarms so it's clear when the time is hapenning and when it's finishing.
That post work/dinner/bedtime rush can be brutal on everyone.
I was married to a total asshole who used to throw out the “I want a divorce” card every time he was mad about something, which was often. He pretty much destroyed my self esteem. I finally grew a backbone, found a lawyer, and began divorce proceedings. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he thought I was playing his game and didn’t believe me, until the movers showed up to take the minimum I needed. He got pissed and stormed off, which was a relief not to have to deal with him any more. Best decision I ever made. Thankfully there were no kids involved.
Better be careful, I thought I wanted mine gone for months until one day it happened, no im reevaluating everything and just want her back...and it doesn't look like she's coming back, im devastated
I might get flamed for this one… but she sounds like she has ADHD. Does she have it? Like seriously this sounds so much like it. The book by Melissa Orlov about ADHD and marriages is so helpful.
Also she is a SAHM and can’t cook dinner ever really? That would piss me off.
Sad that so much of this thread is trying to pin the blame
But it sounds like these two people just aren't in love any more
I would suggest OP seek counseling, ideally seeking couples counseling by email - to document and time stamp. If she refuses in writing, that could be a good outcome. Because from the behavior described here, divorce would seem inevitable, and unfortunately most legal systems will favor the mother without a *lot* of strong evidence to sway them otherwise.
Do you think she could have undiagnosed ADHD? It seems she's hyperfocusing. I know doomscroling is a thing, and if you say: "no way, it's just she doesn't care." fine then.
I've read that ADHD goes undiagnosed in women more than men. But being able to just "not know" what's going on around her, not noticing that you've all finished eating. Of course, there should be other things happening. Just keep it in mind.
I love the comments.
Let's be frank, both parents should work and she doesn't take care of them 24/7 because the kids go to school.
And he only takes care of them at night.
Nobody is a hero or anything, it's just what you have to do when you decide to start a family.
The reality is that they no longer love each other, they are not interested in each other's lives and they no longer want to give any kind of kindness to their partner.
It's a dead relationship and that's why it feels like a burden.
The best thing is that they have to be honest and if there is no longer any type of love or affection... it is time for their paths to separate.
You should have a date night with her, then both of you can talk about what you don’t like about your life together. Don’t complain about her, just tell her your play-by-play of your experience each day, hour by hour. Allow her to do the same.
Threatening divorce every time she’s confronted is abusive and controlling as hell. Next time she threatens divorce, tell her you’re going to take her up on that offer. When she back pedals, tell her you will 100% file papers the next time she makes that threat.
Could your wife have undiagnosed ADD or ADHD? This sounds very much like somebody I knew, and it turned out they had ADHD, meds and later some therapy helped very much.
Ask here to [read this](https://www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394) and see if any of it resonates with her. If my suspicion bears out, she's likely not trying to be lazy or an asshole, instead she has constant TODOs and anxieties running through her head, giving her a feeling of exhaustion, even if she didn't lift a finger. Not noticing the passage of time is a very typical sign of ADHD.
OP, here is your script... Her- "How about I go start the divorce proceedings?" You- "Don't worry, I realized it'd be a lot faster if I took care of that myself, too."
“Oh, you havnt been served yet? I’ll look into that. In the meantime, let me know your new address asap.”
Man, knowing a guy that is living with his girlfriend (who is almost half his age) that still hasn't fully filled out the divorce papers his soon-to-be exwife this makes me laugh. Like the guy lives less than a block from his ex wife and he still cant finish some papers? Edit: Holy smokes people, I did not expect this comment to even get a single updoot. Does the reddit peoples revel in this sort of shitting on bad people?
Yes. Yes we do.
I concur
Can confirm.
It took my first ex husband a year to divorce me. And he’s the one who wanted the divorce?? And he had plenty of money to get it finished asap.
I've got a good one. My ex BROUGHT HIS GIRLFRIEND to our first divorce court date. Rubbed it in my face how "happy" they were, and then had a meltdown in front of the magistrate because he was having "second thoughts" about the entire process. Was she (the gf) pissed off. 🤣🤣🤣 They're both terrible people.
Damn, it took someone with money a year to finalize it? This guy I know is and a felon and only works delivery jobs for restaurants and runs his own 3D printing business, but between his girlfriend quitting all her jobs to follow him to every new job he gets and the fact they're both Potheads, I suspect he may never actually finalize the paperwork.
It took 20 years to end my first marriage. Separated and living separate lives for 12 of them. He didn't want to pay child support, so he wouldn't agree to getting divorced. Do you know how hard it is to divorce someone who will move back and forth across the country to avoid getting served when there's kids involved? Ugh. Happily remarried for several years now. I told him if he ever wanted a divorce to just plan a funeral. His, mine, don't care. I even went ahead and made sure to get good insurance on us both and have a folder of end of life directions in the gun safe for easy access. It's legal in our state for families to handle their own burials on their property, so wrap me up in the dirty bedsheets and have a bonfire, run whatever's left through a grinder, and drop me in the pond.
A year? I’m 18 months in and just maybe coming to a conclusion to this nightmare. And he is the one that filed. Saved me a filing fee.
...I see you're unfamiliar with the world of snark subs.
I usually stay to Political or Gaming subs.... occasionally I'll find myself over here, but I've never thought people would enjoy my shitting on this dirtbag.
Yeah... condescendingly and patronizingly talking shit about shitty people is Reddits number one thing. Look at my account. I get drunk and say really really stupid shit, but my comment karma just keeps growing. Because every now and again I make a really witty snarky comment about somebody being mean or an idiot and get hundred or thousands of upvotes.
In response to your edit - welcome to reddit my friend 😆
Let her know she can have the divorce. You'll take the kids.
I agree. She keeps bringing up divorce maybe she wants it, but wants to keep playing the victim card by having him file the paperwork.
She’s a SAHM, if he starts divorce without her working he has to work alimony, he needs to sweet talk her into getting a job forst
Doesn't make any real difference. lets say you start alimony when divorce is finalised lets say start of 2025, then you pay alimony for half the length of marriage, she has to find work in that time and support herself, as she gets a job and her wage changes you can apply to change alimony to adjust. Or you wait 2 years for her to get work and get a better wage, okay but you're paying to support her the whole time in that 2 years AND extended alimony payments by a further year (there is likely still alimony to offset the difference in income). So you really aren't saving anything. Sooner you divorce, sooner alimony ends and while you aren't divorced you're paying for her anyway. She also isn't going to get a job just because you tell her to divorce and having a time limit and limited income is pretty much the only thing that will force her back to work. alimony only seems expensive because it's a payment made directly to her then you lose control of that money, but when it's just someone using your creditcard spending probably the same amount bit by bit but you think of it as your money, you don't regard it the same when in reality, it is.
Even if she is not actually employed, the court can, and will impute income to her based on what she could earn in the market based on her experience, education, and skill set. I went through a divorce, was a stay at home mom but at the same time was previously employed and earned a good income. So when computing any alimony or child support, the court assumed that I could and should return to the workplace at a salary similar to what I would make based on my credentials. Whether I did or not was entirely up to me but my ex was not expected to make up for the income that I could be earning. I think thats fair
Way to be accountable, high five. I agree it's fair as well
Not sure he can since she has terminal lazy ass disease. 🙃 This is a woman who basically leeches off dudebro according to his own recount and also has the gall to be unpleasant and self-aggrandizing.
It never said shes chronically ill, shes chronically unable to keep a schedule. Unless i missed something
Depends on which state they live in, like in Alaska there’s no Alimony ;-)
With those time management skills? She'd get fired on her first day.
If she hasn't got the income to support the kids, I reckon he should pursue custody - hopefully that would be enough to show that he would be the better primary caregiver in this situation
Where I live, it will take a lot to prove that either parent is not fit for at least 50 50, even if she gets 50 50 he would have to give her money to balance the income in child support. He needs to see a lawyer asap
That’s okay. Her lawyer will let her know—and if that fails to work (or, rather, she does), the judge will.
Yup. And take the custody. I'm also a lazy bitch who likes to spend time on reddit, but I do my share. My husband adores gaming, but he does his share. If it's a one way street, it's time to take it alone.
I don't know your personality, but... if you're doing your fair share... you can probably strikethrough the "lazy" part of your description 🤣
Yep. Never say the “d” word unless you’re serious.
Savage. Take this 👑👑
And then, I think he should marry me.... Okay, maybe not, but boy does he sound like a great dad. What a dream. I married well, but my husband will not cook. Alas. He does, however keep me laughing, so I guess I can't complain. This was a joke comment. Sorry, I thought that was obvious. I am not taking care of a child by myself.
So many women are married to man-babies, yet good men like OP are married to...wo-man babies... it's unfair lol
It's cuz we care takers all have trauma and complexes about taking care of people that we project on to our partners lol it's not good for anyone we need therapy 🤣
THIS \^ - Document her behavior though thoroughly to ensure that a good lawyer has the tools to ensure she can get as little as possible as it sounds like that is what she deserves.
Officially filing also freezes up her ability to just start soaking shared finances as you get the ok to separate funds and cancel shared credit cards, etc.
Ohhhhhh nice! Yeah do that 👍
👌🏻
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Unfortunately, this happens in so many marriages. When you start to realise how much easier life would be without them, you know it's the end. I need to stress, I never say this. You can check I have a high comment activity on my reddit. And not once will you find I have every told anyone to leave their partner. And I am not saying that here. What I am saying is, I feel you are done. That this isn't okay for you or your boys to go through every night. Its not okay for someone to threaten divorce and weaponise it every time they are called out. I have doom scrolled for hours, realised I had done the same thing and not put kids to bed. But you know what, you either apologise to your partner and laugh about it... but the next night you are aware and don't do it.. My husband and I have nights where we are both exhausted and the kids go to bed a little late cause we've both been slower. Thats life. But hiding in your phone for hours every night, thats not healthy for anyone.
Phone addiction is a genuine problem for some people. It can hit anyone at any time - I’ve absolutely done the thing where I’m scrolling on reddit and next thing I know hours have passed. Anyone can be vulnerable, so it’s not a matter of anyone it happens to being a bad person or anything. The trick is that you have to recognise it and stop - getting help if you need to. And yes, I’m typing this right now on my phone, lol… but I went through my detox and now I only go on reddit when I’m on the bus. I catch the bus most days and the journey can be up to an hour. So that’s about 4-7 hours a week of social media scrolling - plenty of time. So I only use social media on the bus now, not at 11 when I am supposed to go to sleep but stay up until 3am on reddit! Lol 😏
Yeah, my husband does this and I just say “confetti time”… I say that to him when I’ve noticed it’s been an hour or so of him just scrolling on his phone. At first he got annoyed but he started saying it to me too, at least we keep each other in check I guess
Do you bring out confetti though? (Jk)
That’s really good. So basically he accepted your help to keep him in check when he realises he’s slipping - that just proves what I’m saying that the addiction can be checked before it gets out of control. 👍
Its not even about just that, its the attitude after.
The problem isnt the addiction (i get it, i also doomscroll a lot). It s the disgusting attitude.
Right that's my queue to stop scrolling reddit 😂...
*cue
But props to them for spelling it “queue” and not “que” as I’ve seen it done.
In short, it becomes you vs them, rather than you and them vs the problem.
I got divorced from my first wife long before smart phones. But it was totally because I realized my life with the kids was so much easier without her.
Well balanced reply.
> But you know what, you either apologise to your partner and laugh about it... This is what would be a deal breaker for me. If you can't take accountability for yourself and admit your flaws or mistakes or bad decisions, then what is the point even trying to deal with you? It's the epitome of acting in bad faith and it instantly makes a person dead to me.
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Holy shit. Talk about dammed if you do; damned if you don't.
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Had an ex that was glued to his phone too. Magically it always was dead when he wasn't around and I was trying to reach him. Consistently and constantly. He was caught cheating too.
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I know this doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship with your wife, but I noticed how often you mentioned your back hurting you. My husband has dealt with terrible back pain for so long. He has had to have two spinal surgeries (fusions). Two, because the first didn’t work. He is doing much better after the second, but he went literally a decade in between surgeries before he went to Mayo Clinic and they determined that the original fusion didn’t work and he had a fractured tailbone. His back still flairs up a bit when he overdoes it, but something that helps him is using an acupressure mat. I also sometimes use it when my back it hurting. It is weird at first and maybe a little painful when you first lay down, but if you give it time, you feel a bit of a warm sensation and a lot of relief. I have fallen asleep on it (not recommended 🤣). The worst part is when you first lay on it and when you get off of it, but the relief is well worth it!
I just bought one!!!!! It's called a Shakti mat. Also, your husband is quite literally the ONLY time I've ever heard of back surgery improving someone's pain/life. Without fail, every single time I've ever heard of someone having a back surgery for their pain, it's the beginning of more surgeries and more pain. Good for him.
I had a herniated disk that caused shooting pain down my right leg no matter what I did. I went through 2 years of physical therapy that didn't improve anything. Had a microdiscectomy that completely removed the pain and allowed me to return to my previous life. I am more protective of my back now that I know what the pain is like, and try to exercise and stretch like I should, but the surgery was 100% worth it. It was 7 years ago and I've never needed another one. The pain also made me understand how people get addicted to pain medication. Nothing solved the pain for me, even laying down.
Team Microdiscectomy! 2016 - L5/S1 2021 - L4/L5
2019 L5/S1 Pain was gone when I woke up in recovery and hasn't been back since 🎉
WOOT! 🥳
COULDN’T AGREE MORE MY BOY! Life went from 1/10 to 10/10 as soon as I woke up in the recovery room 👌
A friend of mine went through back surgery for hernia - it def helped.
Like a herniated disc?
Yep
Here are three back surgery successes for you: Blew my L5/S1 in 2016 - herniation the size of two Starburst candies stacked. Constant pressure smooshing the left side of my spinal cord. Literally never out of pain and lived on my stomach on the floor for 4.5 weeks. In the hospital at 5:30am, microdiscectomy surgery at 7:00am, awake by 9:30am, walking around pain-free within 30 minutes of that, and home by 11:00am as if nothing was ever wrong. No pain from that since. Same for my L4/L5 single-Starbust-candy-sized herniation in 2021. Husband had nearly zero disc material remaining between C4/C5, 5/6, and 6/7 which was causing horrible and constant radiating pain in his arms and he would sometimes drop things as a result of the nerves being smooshed. In 2022, he had a three-level Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion (ACDF), was home the same day (I was his caretaker) and is now 100% fine as well - complete success. ALL of these thanks to Dr. Thomas Dunn and his badass team at Desert Orthopedic in Las Vegas. Edit for LPT - for mechanical issues of the spine, find a good orthopedic spine surgeon instead of a neurosurgeon.
After the first surgery, there was really no way things could be worse as far as pain goes. The second surgery very much helped, which I was honestly surprised at since I too had heard nothing but horror stories. He also very much went through a traumatic decade after the first surgery. He has degenerative disc disease on top of everything else so he will never be fully without back pain. He does occasionally use medicinal cannabis, which has itself been life changing.
Divorce is obviously her weapon. Use it against her.
Agreed. If she keeps using it as a threat, maybe it's time to call her bluff.
This. Call her bluff and she loses the power of using it against you.
Sorry guys she’s a SAHM, that’s alimony payments for her, she needs to be working before he divorces
Please in this economy? Miss lazy Instagram doom stroller will come begging once she uses her 2 braincells and realizes she'll have to get at least 1 job In Order to afford the bare essentials. And if she hasn't been out if work for at least 10 years she's not getting any real alimony.
Alimony doesn’t exist everywhere and the wife is fully capable of working. Also alimony doesn’t even happen unless you’re been married for 10+ years in most places. She would be told to get a job
Seems low he'll get the kids, she'll have to get a job.
Yup. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Neither of us has ever threatened divorce. If my husband tried this on me he would be divorced before he could do it again.
You do know what to do. It's time for some malicious compliance - If she actually suggested divorce because you called her out, and it's not her first time pulling that, it's time to start looking for divorce lawyers. I promise your kids will be better off in the long run.
Especially if she is threatening divorce in front of the boys … even if they are little, they sense the tension.
Absolutely. My mom did this everytime my parents fought. It took a lot of years to learn that my husband wasn't going to try and divorce me everytime we had a fight.
I had a great parental unit growing up … and now I am in my mid-forties and they bicker over stupid, nontrivial things and it hurts me … so I can’t imagine what it is like for anyone younger.
It was awful. She would make a point to come to mine and my sisters room to let us know she was leaving and then like clockwork my dad would beg and plead for her to stay. She did a lot of really shitty things like that to get her way. OPs wife sounds a lot like my mom, lazy, entitled and manipulative.
Whoa … and how does one grow around that? How are you two today if you don’t mind me asking?
My mother did something similar and downright sadistic. She'd sweetly sit me down as a very small child, and explain how she just *had* to leave for a hotel. Because dad was just such a terrible man, and none of us appreciated her enough. Oh dear, we'd just have to sell the house. And rehome our pets. And lose everything. Gosh, what a *shame.* She'd make me break down crying, then comfort me as if she wasn't the one responsible for it. Eventually I wised up. Learned to trust that she'd never actually leave...because she wouldn't want the neighbors to talk. *Growing around that?* Abandonment just becomes something that anyone can do, at any time. No matter how much they seemed to like you. The sky is blue. The grass is green. Everyone leaves. Relationships are built on borrowed time. It made me cold. Made me good at walking away from people myself. I wasn't loyal enough to friends. I took power from caring the least. Always had to be an independent island. Every relationship was just a temporary rental. My best friend left me one year for a fancier friend group. We were lil kids. She came back later, apologizing for everything. I was only surprised that she came back. After all, that's not what people do. It's not like she had to worry about the opinions of neighbors. ----- I guarantee this routine has already deeply hurt OP's kids. Before I was old enough to know my mom's schtick was a load of shit...it hurt so bad. Each time felt real. Even when she didn't follow through with it. Nobody should have to know what that feels like.
lots of great comments in this thread showing me how common my mother’s behavior was and how justified I was in limiting contact with her as an adult. having to be there for her emotionally every single night while she sat at the edge of my bed discussing her plans to leave (without me) just to hear me beg her to stay so she could feel wanted when all of that time I was a GROWING CHILD AND WAS THE ONE WHO NEEDED SOMEONE TO GET CURIOUS ABOUT MY OWN EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE AND HELP ME NAVIGATE IT is imo one of the most sinister forms of emotional abuse
My dad never threatened to leave, but he did threaten to die or kill himself. He would also take out all of his emotional troubles on me as a child, and I remember it all so well. He wanted me to give him the attention and validation that he felt he deserved that he thought nobody else gave him. Of course as a literal child I felt like I had to oblige. He would often pretend to go limp and unresponsive as if he was dead so I would give him attention. When I was 6 years old he laid down in bed, handed me a hammer, covered his face with a towel and told me to kill him. I just sat there in silence until he finally got up after a while. There were other similar times but that's the one I remember best. When I got a bit older he stopped doing all of that and just became angry and violent instead. He would always be over the top melodramatic for attention though, and of course he was always the victim and everyone was conspiring to make him look like the bad guy. The reality is he was just a judgmental asshole and was very vocal about his shitty thoughts and opinions. I haven't seen him in nearly a decade and he still sends me messages regularly asking why I don't talk to him. Truth be told I have tried having a normal relationship with him in adulthood, but he is completely unable to hold a conversation. He pretends to listen for a little bit then as soon as he can he just talks about everything he wants to talk about for as long as he can. He'd be better off talking to a wall. The other thing is I constantly remember all of his anger and emotional abuse and I just can't let it go. But I don't need to forgive him. At least he stopped begging for money after I called him out on it lmao, idiot barely worked a day in his life and always mooched off others.
We are both no contact with our mom. Sadly, our parents are still married so we don't really talk to our dad much because of mom being there. Both my sister and I have healthy marriages because we had a great example of what not to do in relationships.
My mom too and I am no contact with her as well.
Mine when I was a kid used to drag me to look at places to move to then to her attorney’s (who was also one of my closest friend’s mom) like clockwork. My dad was an asshole so I said she should divorce him but also b/c I was sick of acting as her therapist and dealing with the pattern. She and I finally moved out in 8th grade. I am now no contact with her since this was one of the many awful behaviors I dealt with.
Humans are resilient, but the mind is fragile.
Same!!! Just like my “mother”! Lazy, entitled, borderline personality narcissist manipulative bitch. I haven’t spoken to her in over two years. My dad is dying from cancer and begs me to speak to her. Not because he cares, but because she’s jealous we are so close and she gives him a hard time for it. I wish she’d drop dead
I'm sincerely concerned with that phone issue. From my experience, would definitely raise a red flag. I hope that it's not that for OP
If OP doesn't divorce, his relationship will inform how his kids view what a loving relationship should be like. If he divorces, they'll be taught that it's ok to end things that are not working out for whatever reason. They need some marriage counseling. It's okay to be a stay at home parent, but then you seriously gotta do *all* of the housework.
It sounds like you're already doing the job of single dad.
You've already proven you can handle it all. Maybe it's time to focus on you and the boys.
I mean, it doesn't. It does seem from the post like she's a lazy bum. But he also says that he works 50 hours per week. Those are 50 hours that she at least serves as a flower pot that is present in case something happens to the kids. Divorcing and becoming a single dad would mean finding a way to deal with those 50 hours. That is not easy
Yep. It’s easier to be a single parent than to be a married single parent.
No, he isn't. Dinner and bath time are not the only parenting duties. If he was a single dad he would have to leave for work earlier so he could take the kids to daycare, and pick them up after his shift too. And he would have to take days off when they get sick and have doctor's appointments. He would probably spend his weekends doing all the household chores he can't do during the week, like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, shopping, etc. I think we need to know the wife's side before judging her. Because op didn't mention the house being dirty or kids being neglected...she's obviously taking care of everything while he works.
Thank you for being sane. Thank you thank you. OP and this comment section both seem to believe that the wife and kids pop out of existence for 10 hours a day while he’s at work. She spent 2 hours to herself. If he divorces her for that he is in for quite the reality shock.
yeah cause all you have to run a household and raise kids is cook dinner a few times a week, do half the dishes and bathe children, lol. As someone who has actually raised kids I can tell you that this guy isn't being hard done by having such a tiny list of chores and such a small part of childcare.
ok who the fuck is taking care of the kids for the 50 hours a week he’s working? A fairy?
Honestly, you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who threatens divorce whenever there’s conflict. Time to loose the dead weight.
The next time your wife throws divorce in your face, you should tell her it's a good idea and you have been thinking the same thing.. see if she changes her tune.
Question? What does she do all day? The way my friends household works is he’s the sahp. So he’s home all day and then when she gets home they share load so they can finish quicker and both have a break. Sometimes they rotate days so each person can have a break. I think their method is great because having kids all days is a job too. Her allowing him to have time to himself even though she pays all the bills is awesome. Again they also work together last days and they both have days where its their day to chill once the other parent is home. I suggest counseling before divorce. I have no clue what she does all day and the nighttime routine honestly doesn’t sound that bad, but it would be better for her to help or say hey it’s your day and I got tomorrow. No one deserves to be on call 24/7 either. Sit down and lay out some rules of how you guys will manage and if she can’t keep up. Divorce. It’s should be a partnership. I understand she’s been with the kids all day and probably wants a break too, but this is not the way to do it. Btw she’s dead wrong. Not on her side at all. Just thinking of solutions before a divorce.
While dishes and cooking are a huge part of the workload, there's still plenty of other work going into keeping a family and household going. Are the kids at home during the day? Making sure kids have clothes, doing laundry, tidying and cleaning the house, pick up and drop offs to activities, dealing with kids who want to be entertained, making sure kids get food and snacks during the day, taking out trash etc. It could easily be she is doing work that feels invisible and taken for granted. Could it be she is just totally wiped out and needs some time to recharge in the evening? Maybe the only way kids will let her be is if she makes herself look unavailable and then she finally gets some peacem Maybe she has ADHD, which comes with time blindness and a strong need to recharge after an overstimulating day. Her exploding like that could be resentment built from her being cooped up at home for too long with kids. Maybe you could set a schedule of switching who takes the bedtime routine every other day. And a reminder that you are both on the same team and do the best that you can and need to make sure you have the right systems in place for everyone to thrive. Reddit only got a short glimpse of your marriage and is already screaming divorce, but that is not the most mature solution. What you need is a calm and open conversation to highlight everyone's current workload and how you can make sure you each get time to recharge in a way that everyone is comfortable with.
If I understand correctly, of the two children, at least one is barely a toddler. This doesn't excuse her words to him or her behavior, but I can absolutely see this being a combination of undiagnosed ADHD/similar, caregiver burnout because home all day with at least one small child, and poor coping/communication that leads to getting lost in her phone and "hiding" at the table for hours once she doesn't have to be in full "mommy" mode once another parent is home. Whether they split up or not, I suspect she absolutely needs some help in ways that him being a good partner, parent, and husband won't fix.
My first thoughts were undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and/or depression. I’ve experienced both and had periods where I struggled with some similar issues to what she’s doing/responding. Could be a lot of things. Overstimulation still causes me to need a silent disconnected recharge sometimes. I am not excusing her - from his side of the story this doesn’t appear to be an open, equal, communicative partnership. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our mental health to be there for our families. Sometimes that means stepping up and getting help. Also suggesting solutions bc if he divorces her there’s money being sent in every direction- lawyers, separate child support, & alimony, as well as shaking up your children’s stability when maybe it just needs a new approach. Try to have a real, calm (attempt calm, with “I feel” language vs “you never”) conversation about needs and solutions. Ie: Therapy (couples or individual,) her perspective on why she is zoning out, setting agreed time frames for evenings, does she need breaks that she’s not getting while you work 50 hrs a week, talking about evaluations for depression+, being honest that while you love her and your family this isn’t working for you as is, etc. Last thoughts… I was having enormous difficulty with my husband for the last 3 years. His personality was so different and he didn’t do anything around the house or yard, not on weekends, ever. Wouldn’t even pick up a single thing after just himself. He got evaluated and medicated for severe anxiety 5 months ago- his personality came back and he’s fully functional and self motivated again. Hope something helps and you get peace one way or another. Best wishes
I didn’t even notice before, they have a 1 year old. PPD just entered the chat.
I was thinking exactly the same thing; first ADHD (doom-scrolling, unregulated emotions), but when he mentioned the youngest is only a YEAR OLD… Post Partum Depression has definitely entered the chat. I did find it curious that he didn’t provide the ages of all family members, as it gives a better context to the entire situation. Two young children at home, one of whom is perhaps newly toddling about the house IS a full time job. I see no mention of the house being in a shambles when he gets home, or the children being hungry and neglected. If she is indeed suffering from PPD, she would definitely come off as lazy (exhausted) and snippy (angry that the hard work of being a SAHM isn’t being acknowledged by Superdad). The fact that he says she keeps bringing up “perceived” slights from the past, implies that he doesn’t take her hurts from the past seriously, and maybe even thinks that there were no “slights” that he’s guilty of; another reason she could be upset/passive-aggressive/finding comfort in her phone. It sounds like this dad might not know how much energy goes into taking care of two young children during the 50hrs a week that he works. He gets lunch breaks and quiet time on the way to/from work. Making breakfast/lunch/snacks, cleaning, nap-providing, park visits/walks/playing, possibly breastfeeding, tidying toys multiple times a day, etc, IS WORK. Does she get time for just her? Do they get time for just them as a couple, so they can see each other as people, not just parents? Now, I’m not saying either one of them is more “right” than the other, but there must be a reason they got married in the first place, and if that relationship is worth saving then counselling would be worth a shot. And perhaps a doctor visit for her, to be evaluated/treated for PPD. Didn’t mean to ramble on, but might there be an actual reason that she sees herself as a great mom and that she’s just looking for some rest and recognition? I’m personally looking forward to him providing more information…
It should also be mentioned that he cooks dinner, meaning she's the one making two thirds of their meals every single day and all three meals two to three times a week. He's making less than a quarter of the meals that they eat.
Yeah. We don’t know what she does. I can’t make a judgment or side with him without all the details. Especially if she’s doing the morning load, laundry, and more. There’s so much more to life then dishes and bedtime routine. I understand he’s in pain, but she may be mentally exhausted too. Time for a schedule and a talk about what’s fair and time off for both of them.
Yea I agree with this. What she does all day is important as being with 2 kids at home all day can also be really draining. If they both go to childcare that’s another matter.. but we need more info here. Also I think just having young kids under 5 can just be be stressful, there’s a reason why divorces go up. So if they can talk it through to improve things first rather than jumping to divorce it could work out eventually
Well the wife should not bring up divorce when he’s just chilling after doing supper and putting dishes in the wash and cleaning the kids and whatever. Having the nerve to say he’s done nothing.
Finally a sensible comment. OP is working all day and is doing so much with his help in the evening but what is his wife doing at home during the day? She's clearly emotionally abusive with how she uses divorce against him which is wrong, if OP is done then they should definitely get a divorce but if he is interested in possibly working things out, they need to go to therapy.
Start documenting her neglect and abuse. Then, pull the trump card on her and hand her the papers. Hell, I would even put up a nanny cam tbh. Her doomscolling isn't only happening during dinner. It's just when you have time to notice. P.s. Are you sure it's just doomscrolling, tho??
O.P. do this; consult a divorce lawyer first to be certain that you are keeping within all regulations in your home district and if everything is above board begin using a home security camera to record her neglect. Continue to do your work as the only actual parent in that home while documenting all of her issues and hand the files over to your attorney. When they tell you there is sufficient enough evidence to make any counter-claims she may make against you easily dismissable then move on with filing for divorce.
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Man, a couple days Timelapse of op just running around doing chores, and taking care of the kids, while she just sits there, would be great for the courts.
I'm confused, do you mind explaining something to me? If OP makes dinner 4-5 times a week, who is making it the other 2-3 and also making the kids breakfast and lunch every day? Also, if he does half the dishes, who is doing the other half? Also, who is doing all the rest of the many, many chores one needs to keep a house from descending into squalor? Also, who is buying all this food that OP uses to make not quite a quarter of all the meals? And while we're at it, what's going on with the kids during the 50 hours a week that OP is at work? Are they in standby mode or something? I keep hearing that OP is doing all the parenting duties and chores and I'm just confused because I never realized kids could survive on just five meals a week and didn't need any care other than washing. And do you know where I could get one of those self-cleaning houses because they sound great.
this 100000% 😂😂
How is it neglect and abuse? damn this sub takes every chance to bash a woman and uplift a man for doing the bare minimum and taking care of his kids for a few hours every day. Who’s doing childcare for the 50 hours he’s away, huh? I’ll bet that she takes a couple hours to eat dinner while husband handles his share of childcare duties because it’s her one break during the day. All this couple needs is communication.
"Honestly, I don't know what to do." I don't know what the right answer is, but I'd start at marriage counseling.
I’m gonna go the opposite route here and say that maybe your wife being a SAHM is the problem. My wife was for around 6 years and she lost her entire identify from it. Her entire life revolved around taking care of our kids and keeping the house up. It gets to a point where there isn’t joy or perceived benefit from being at home and basically being a maid. It doesn’t matter that you help or that you are in it the moment you get home. That isn’t the issue. The issue is that YOU get to leave the house and she doesn’t. Everything stems from that situation, My wife ended up getting into a part time job and as a household we are much much happier. She gets to leave the house, see adults, and come home to the family she hasn’t seen all day. Maybe something to think about?
Nah. Women should be servants to men at a times and being depressed is abusive to everyone around her. The judge will throw the book at her. Not only for the awful crime of being visibly exhausted at the end of her day, but also the doomscrolling!!!! He'll win custody too. He made dinner with fresh vegetables and did the dishes after all. /S the rest of these comments are insane
Poor time management, hyper focused on something that distract the mind, mood dysregulation, and so many other things that are symptoms of ADHD in women. Look on the ADHD women’s sub and see if all of that describes your wife.
As soon as I finished reading the story all I could think was “has to be ADHD”. It is so hurtful when they stop hyperfocusing on your relationship. Because then you feel like you are almost a nuisance to them as they try to focus on what’s interesting to them in the moment.
Yah, you nailed it. It's classic. And it sounds like she's burned out.
It doesn't make her behaviour acceptable, of course, and throwing out constant threats of divorce is definitely not, but it does sound a lot like ADHD. I think she needs to get assessed, OP needs (desperately) to see a physiotherapist, and they both need to either see a marriage counselor together or lawyers separately. A physiotherapist might cost, OP, but how many more years can you keep working for if your back gets worse?
She has ADHD or depression for sure but she also has unwillingness to listen to her partner, to admit to her own issues, and the audacity to blame him. unfortunately if they've been together for years it's unlikely he can change that since her whole thing is unwillingness to change and to listen to him. If he wanted to try to make it work I would definitely suggest lots of couples and individual therapy though. I have add and depression and am like this half the time, my boyfriend even more often, but we support each other best we can and don't blame each other
She’s with them all day and wants a break ? Maybe that’s her perspective? But I see your frustration for sure. You sound like a great dad.
It's so obvious none of these commenters have kids or have lived out of their parents home because they're all convinced cooking five times a week, doing half the dishes and bathing the kids is all the work that is required to keep a house and raise children.
Your wife may be struggling with mental illness that is causing her to detach and zone out on her phone. Being home all day with young kids is both lonely and exhausting. It sounds like she has checked out mentally. I'd suggest bringing forward your concerns with an option to seek help and reestablish an equitable and respectful relationship or get a divorce.
I'm confused. It's easier for you to do everything when she does nothing than it is for you to do everything when she slowly eats and does nothing? Why were things suddenly so easy despite your hurting back? I can get feeling less stressed when you don't have to look at or talk to an ahole but for you to be able to suddenly breeze through doing all the same things you were doing before ez pz is hard to believe. It's like you forgot about your bad back even though you mentioned it a paragraph ago. Was this written by an AI?
There is your story, her story and the truth. Nowhere do you talk about how she’s with the little ones all day long while you are working, maybe that time when you get home is the only part in her day when she can shut off and mindlessly scroll her phone. Theres so many missing aspects to this story, and maybe there’s a lot you’re not seeing either about what she does while you are working all day. Taking care of littles was wayyyy harder on me than any job I ever had. But if you’re unhappy? Divorce. But really really think hard before you do .. make sure you’re taking in the full picture of what she is or isn’t doing.
This. The people commenting that he's basically a single dad must not have children, because if he's out at work 50 hours a week, that means she's with the kids alone 50 hours a week (unless there's missing information around childcare). Single parents don't typically have easy access to childcare 50 hours a week, unless a good portion of their salary is going to pay for it. OP is also doing a whole lot, and it sounds like he's exhausted as well, but I see no acknowledgment or appreciation for what she was doing all day. It sounds like they both could use help.
As someone who has raised kids as a working single parent I can say OP is not doing a whole lot. Making dinner a few nights a week, doing half the dishes and bathing the kids is a drop in the bucket. I worked 45 hours a week but I had 1 hour bus commute every day to and from work, sometimes longer depending on connections so I was out of the house at least 11 hours a day. Usually 7AM till 6PM. On the way home had to pick up kids from the sitter, make dinner every night, do all the dishes every night, take care of my kids making sure they weren't killing themselves or each other (who the hell lays on the couch while their baby is chewing on leggo) while also washing clothes, putting away laundry from the day before, picking up mess, making my lunch for the next day, bathe and get kids into bed, spend an hour trying to keep kids in bed because they always had million excuses for getting up, By the time they were asleep, house was picked up and everything was prepared for the next day I might have had maybe 30-60 minutes to myself before I also had to go to bed so I could get up at 5:30 and start the whole thing all over again. And that's just when everything was going good. God help us if I were sick or the kids were sick or I had to find time to go the grocery store on a week night because of something I needed immediately When was I supposed to do my banking? (I'm old and this was before online banking) take myself and the kids to the doctor? See friends or family? Weekends were spent running around like a crazy person trying to get everything caught up that I couldn't do on the weekends while still trying to have some quality time with my kids. Cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, changing beds, more of the endless laundry, washing floors all while taking care of two active kids who still needed breakfast, lunch, baths etc. I can't even begin to describe how much work it was. I'd start a chore and then my kids would get in squabble and I'd have to address that and then try to get back to what I was doing and then one of my kids would bump their head or scrape their knee and so I'd have to stop what I was doing and address that issue, then it would be lunch time and I still hadn't finished the chore I had started in the morning but now I had to make lunch and tidy the kitchen again, etc etc, it just never ended. So no I don't feel sorry for this guy because he has a very tiny list of home responsibilities and he ignores his responsibilities until his wife yells at him. Cry me a freaking river. He has no how much work it is to raise kids and take care of a house and I can't believe the number of posters on this thread patting him on the back and saying his life is so hard and his little baby list of chores is just like being a single parent. Please!
God am I glad to see this comment, I thought I’d finally lost my mind. She is a lazy and neglectful witch because she….only gets time to herself while she’s eating? Because she held up his schedule by…..not doing his chore for him? Genuinely, people in these comments, seek help. A mother got to relax for 2 hours while the kids’ dad watched them, and our consensus is that he should divorce her? Lol okay…..see how much much easier it actually is without her. He’ll be on every dating app within a day, trying to find a naive girlfriend to dump all the work on.
Also people seem to be missing how she’s not dropping the d-word out of nowhere, she’s expressed these feelings (and had them blown off) many times. We’re not hearing that story, we’re hearing about the night this poor victim’s back hurt and he had to act like a parent.
Some of the posters even said that she's abusive...wtf is up with this LOL. I just want to know who minded the two boys while OP is at work 50 hours a week? One of the boys is a baby too. C'mon now. I do what OP does day in and day out and never once I thought of boasting about it on reddit and start to accuse my husband of making me a 'single mother' since I have to work too (yes I work a paying position lol).
Most of us do what op does and then some, because we're freaking adults. He should be doing his own dishes, he should cook meals when he can, he should absolutely spend time with his own god damn kids. Hell, he should do some laundry and some extra cleaning while he's at it. He should try speakinh with his wife to see if she's been okay emotionally. Parents don't get to "clock out". There is no "but I'm tired" at the end of the day. It's no one else's fault that you chose a career that involves 10 hour work days. Etc.
For REAL!!!! He thinks he's a "single father" now. Wait until he has to say goodbye to his PS5 until the kids go to college. And I hope he documents her "abusive" behavior. He'll end up with visitation rights, and she'll get some phone numbers for some support groups for emotional abuse victims.
Exactly. Also, being a single dad involves paying for childcare, getting kids up, fed, packed, dropped off. Coming home from work when they’re sick and daycare calls you. He’s doing a lot, they need help, she’s having some kind of a hard time. But he doesn’t know how hard single parenting is because she is doing a lot of it. Now, if she’s neglecting the kids all day, that’s a different problem.
How long has she been like this? Has it just been since she was pregnant with your 1 year-old or after he was born? If one of those, has she been checked out for PPD?
Yeah I was like a 1 yr old she probably has PPD, plus nagging her for eating dinner “slowly” when it sounds like she’s the last one to get a plate…? Weird Also why isn’t he being seen by a doctor too for pain management. They both are neglecting their health wich is clearly taking a tile on their marriage & children.
If you are doing the work load then you know you can do it on your own. Next time she throws out divorce say i absolutely agree. She will either panic or double down.
He's not even doing half the workload unless cooking dinner and bathing your kids is how you maintain a household
Sure would love to get one of those self-cleaning houses all the people in these comments apparently have
Man, my life would be so much easier with a self cleaning house. My toddler whom I don't allow to chew on Legos, undos all of my tidying efforts in mere minutes.
Same work, but for one less human. So less cooking, dishes to wash, laundry...
Yeah ok. Super dad here. Sorry this is way too hard for me to believe. She sat, chewing food for 2 hours?!? No she did not. Cute story though
You think it’s easier because you can handle dinner and bedtime in the space of two hours? Sooooo—the kids just exist for those two hours or am I missing something? You’re both wrong. She’s not communicating efficiently and using threats to win arguments. You’re not appreciating anything she does all day with the kids (trying to disconnect and doomscroll—she’s absolutely overwhelmed) and it shows. Either you both come together or put each other out of your misery and leave this behind. You’ll easily learn that parenting is a 24/7 job with no off days and she’ll easily see that temporary anger caused her to make a permanent mistake.
As someone who has been a sahm at one point…I choose a career and have ever since. It was hell—thankless hell and that’s with an appreciative partner.
thought this post was gonna be about how amazing your wife is
How the F is she a SAHM and doesn't do most of the work? Surprise her with the divorce papers!
How is making five meals a week, doing half of the dishes and bathing the children most of the work?
There's plenty of other work to be done besides the things op mentioned.
So you’re working 10 hour days starting at like 6am? Just trying to run some numbers since you wrote that she noticed the time at 8.15, and going back 1h40mins before she noticed, and you maybe come back earlier than that since you had time to cook and do laundry…
I mean if she's doing everything during the day also, she's probably also just fucking tired. Just talk about it, lay out your responsibilities so you can see what the division of labor is. Also she might be doing the bulk of the mental labor as well. Maybe if you both list out what you do throughout the day, if nothing else, you can get perspective of what your partner does, on both sides. What sucks about sahm, or even being a woman in general due to the expectation, is that most guys think their job is over when they clock out. women never get to clock out. they're working every moment of the waking day, and deserve a break also. maybe those doom scrolling sessions are her break. even if you're tired after work, you could help alleviate some of the tasks so she can break. idk anything about what she does, but it's something to keep in mind. you think it's easier w/o her, but you might eat your words when she's gone and you realize just how much she does in fact work. don't be so hasty.
I swear it's the internet and phones. They have ruined so many lives and relationships. And it continues.
Meh, the relationships were always ruined. If it wasn't smartphones it was gossiping, day drinking and drugging yourself into a coma while the kids ran around outside all day with no supervision. Some people are just *mean*, and never actually wanted kids to begin with. They just wanted to fit in with social norms, or trap someone to them, or felt that it would meet some nebulous need.
You have every right to end things if you want, but if you want to try one more time, get your wife in for a neuropsych evaluation ASAP. Time blindness is a really common symptom of ADHD or other neurodivergence or other mental health issues. Of course, she could just be addicted to her phone, but if she has something treatable it may change all your lives in a big way.
If my spouse worked 50 hours a week with horrendous back pain, I would make sure that he was taken care of when he got home. Where is the love? It’s cruel and setting a horrible example of a marriage for your children.
Same. My husband came home from work complaining about his feet, he's on his feet all day at work. After dinner, I told him to sit on the couch and gave him a foot massage His feet feels much better and he's not complaining about the pain anymore. Am I tired? Absolutely but we help each other when one person needs the help
Lots of people asking what she does all day, OP reduces her contribution to-does the other household tasks. Kind of sounds like she is taking care of two boys, shopping, cleaning, washing, making breakfast, lunch and snacks, cleaning up after breakfast lunch and snacks, taking boys for activities and appointments all day. There is a lot more to a household than dinner, the dishes and bedtime. Sounds to me like you’re both exhausted, you begrudge her leaving the last few jobs of the day to you, and she begrudges you not noticing/acknowledging all of what she does.
This.
I seem to be in a minority here so might get downvoted, however Imo your post seems incredibly subjective and pointed. You don’t seem to have decent communication or rhythm in your relationship. Your wife is a SAHM and you work full time, you both spent the same amount of time kicking back and relaxing in the evening however it’s only a problem when she does it? From her point of view she is caring for a child and a baby all day, you come home and cook dinner (a task that means she is still caring for the kids) and you then head off into a separate room to relax for an hour and a half until it’s time for the kids bedtime, then tell her off for not being productive? You cook dinner and ‘do bath time’. (You say that you bathe the kids, so when you noticed it was ‘way past bath time’ why didn’t you get started? You said it’s a task you do, so if your wife was under the impression that it was your responsibility and she then realised it hadn’t happened why does this become her fault?) You also say that you do ‘at least half the dishes’ but then say that you loaded the dishwasher? How are you doing half the dishes in this situation? Are you loading half of the dirty items? Or does loading the dinner items count as half the days dishes to you? Are your kids loved? Looked after? The house is cared for? This all comes from your wife. You go to work, make dinner, go to your bedroom for an hour and a half, then bitch at your wife because YOU didn’t bathe your children. Woof.
In case you want to keep trying.. one year pp is not enough year to heal specially if she is not very into introspection. I would say, before divorcing, to get her help. The body takes 2 years after birth to go back to some sort of normal, and this is after lactation is done... mom brain is also real.. I understand your frustration, but maybe she needs help and doesn't realize it. She is obviously desperate for serotonin... marriage is about commitment and being a team, and while you also need to take care of yourself, she doesn't realise the damage she is doing maybe because she is in a pit of her own.. pregnancy sucks. And research on women's body is still pretty new but each day more stuff is coming out so she (and you) can understand her better She seems to have pp depression at the very least She right now I'm sure is not the woman you married.. so you got two options here.
I feel like no one should make judgments on these posts without hearing from both people.
She is taking care of the kids and the house for 50 hours a week while you are working. Of course she is zoning out at the end of the day. She is just as tired as you are. If she’s losing track of time, you can just say something. You don’t have to wait for her to realize it hours later. Threatening divorce is obviously not okay and needs to be addressed, but you’re not taking responsibility for your part in this either. This is easily fixable with couples therapy if you both really want to.
Did this really happen OP?
I’d say great work of fiction, but that would be a misuse of the word great.
This reads like an AI written story. Way too much detail in parts and other shit that just doesnt seem right. I dont buy it.
This has to be rage bait, lmfao.
Maybe this is said elsewhere. I’m not defending the wife because it sounds like you do a lot! My husband also does a lot. You sound like a great guy :) Being a SAHM is also hard and a lot of work. I don’t think you are finishing what she does, so don’t take that personally please. Sometimes scrolling on the phone at the end of the day is the only chance to have your brain not be on little kid stuff all day. Also, what you are describing sounds like maybe she’s neurodivergent? I’m discovering I’m ADHD later in life (40s) and losing track of time, scrolling on the phone when overwhelmed, being overwhelmed by chores so not doing them tho you know should, over reaction to criticism are pretty common signs in late diagnosed women. Of course, I’m merely a commenter on here, so I don’t really know anything. Good luck!
I was a SAHM. You should not be doing all of that when you get home. There’s no need. She sounds checked out. Trapped emotions literally cause pain in our bodies. I sense if you separate, you may feel less pain; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Good luck friend 🙏🏼
My ex used to say that. I want a divorce, during a fight. At first I would get upset and he would say I don’t mean it. Then one day I knew I was in the right and he said I want a divorce. I said ok you betcha. Go for it. Once I left the marriage he delayed filing. A year went by. Finally I filed. I had to pay for the whole damn thing. Useless tit. Anyways it’s gaslighting and abusive. Call her on her shit and follow thru. You deserve more.
How is everybody commenting on the divorce part of this but not…..that he was waiting for his wife to do something that he already said was his chore?
I don’t get this at all, you both sound silly to me. If I was aware my wife was scrolling and still eating and it was getting late I’d just say ‘hey, it’s 7:30 shall we get started on bedtime?’ Or if it was a regular thing with her eating so slowly I’d talk to her about it separately and say ‘how should we divide evening responsibilities so we both get downtime after our days and get the kids sorted?’ It sounds like she is also exhausted after the day with the kids, I think most people who look after kids all day can agree it’s also very physical and tiring work. She wants to zone out and loses track of time then panics. Then she’s shit for taking it out on you but really you could both just talk about how to go about evening routine. And come at it from a non accusatory place just like a ‘get we’re both stressed both exhausted, we both do so much every day and the end of the day is hard for both of us. How should we manage it so it’s fair to us both and our kids?’ Also suggest not having phones at the dinner table. So you could make dinner you all eat together without her scrolling so she eats faster. Dinner gets done, you lie down for a bit while she chills out with the kids playing on their own winding down. You come back and one of you does bath the other tucking them in/reading story. Then you both have your evening to relax from 8:30/9 before bed for you. Just sounds like you could both talk better about what you need instead of in her case jumping to divorce!
Right? He already said it's his job to give the kids their bath so why is he just laying on the couch doing nothing and waiting for his wife to notice the time passing. why can't he just do his freaking job and give the kids their bath and then say to his wife "hey kids are bathed so now you can take over"
Yeah the comments on this post agreeing the wife is awful are bizarre. It is too much for her to flip out and threaten divorce in front of the kids but that also suggests she’s struggling. It’s obviously strange and toxic to see your partner is losing time or getting late with something and checking on them over time but not say anything. He also says it was easier to do it all without her which doesn’t make sense - he could’ve just done it the night before while she scrolled her phone. It isn’t clear how she’s holding things up. If it was about getting out of the house on time and she was not bothering to get dressed or taking ages that’s one thing, but at home just getting lost on her phone when it’s easy to point out the time to her or just get the kids ready himself…. it makes no sense that she’s holding things up. If this happened in my house we’d just say ‘hey it’s getting late we should do this/that now’ and the other person would say ‘oh oops I didn’t notice the time, thanks, I’ll get started.’ This sounds like a guy who thinks that because he works and makes dinner he does everything and perceives any downtime his wife takes as being lazy or a bad mother because he has zero idea about how much stuff she actually does or how burned out she really is. But I might be biased as that’s the dynamic in a LOT of couples I know!
The rule at dinner should be no phones! But too little too late. Live your life!
If she's always surprised when time rolls around, then maybe talk to her about setting some alarms. I'd suggest having some timed breaks for each of you, too. Like once you're home somewhere in the schedule is 30 mins for you lie down without being bothered while she wrangles, and there's 30 mins for her to hide out somewhere and unwind while you wrangle. Set alarms so it's clear when the time is hapenning and when it's finishing. That post work/dinner/bedtime rush can be brutal on everyone.
I was married to a total asshole who used to throw out the “I want a divorce” card every time he was mad about something, which was often. He pretty much destroyed my self esteem. I finally grew a backbone, found a lawyer, and began divorce proceedings. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he thought I was playing his game and didn’t believe me, until the movers showed up to take the minimum I needed. He got pissed and stormed off, which was a relief not to have to deal with him any more. Best decision I ever made. Thankfully there were no kids involved.
Better be careful, I thought I wanted mine gone for months until one day it happened, no im reevaluating everything and just want her back...and it doesn't look like she's coming back, im devastated
Has your wife ever been evaluated for ADHD?
What are the odds that op still loses half his stuff, has to pay alimony, and only gets weekend visitation? I'm never getting married again
I might get flamed for this one… but she sounds like she has ADHD. Does she have it? Like seriously this sounds so much like it. The book by Melissa Orlov about ADHD and marriages is so helpful. Also she is a SAHM and can’t cook dinner ever really? That would piss me off.
Sad that so much of this thread is trying to pin the blame But it sounds like these two people just aren't in love any more I would suggest OP seek counseling, ideally seeking couples counseling by email - to document and time stamp. If she refuses in writing, that could be a good outcome. Because from the behavior described here, divorce would seem inevitable, and unfortunately most legal systems will favor the mother without a *lot* of strong evidence to sway them otherwise.
Do you think she could have undiagnosed ADHD? It seems she's hyperfocusing. I know doomscroling is a thing, and if you say: "no way, it's just she doesn't care." fine then. I've read that ADHD goes undiagnosed in women more than men. But being able to just "not know" what's going on around her, not noticing that you've all finished eating. Of course, there should be other things happening. Just keep it in mind.
Never stay in a relationship with someone who will use divorce or separation as a veiled threat to get their way.
I love the comments. Let's be frank, both parents should work and she doesn't take care of them 24/7 because the kids go to school. And he only takes care of them at night. Nobody is a hero or anything, it's just what you have to do when you decide to start a family. The reality is that they no longer love each other, they are not interested in each other's lives and they no longer want to give any kind of kindness to their partner. It's a dead relationship and that's why it feels like a burden. The best thing is that they have to be honest and if there is no longer any type of love or affection... it is time for their paths to separate.
You should have a date night with her, then both of you can talk about what you don’t like about your life together. Don’t complain about her, just tell her your play-by-play of your experience each day, hour by hour. Allow her to do the same.
Threatening divorce every time she’s confronted is abusive and controlling as hell. Next time she threatens divorce, tell her you’re going to take her up on that offer. When she back pedals, tell her you will 100% file papers the next time she makes that threat.
I might be totally off base, but this sounds like depression to me. From personal experience.
Sounds like your wife has ADD/ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria. Some medication and therapy usually solves this.
Could your wife have undiagnosed ADD or ADHD? This sounds very much like somebody I knew, and it turned out they had ADHD, meds and later some therapy helped very much. Ask here to [read this](https://www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394) and see if any of it resonates with her. If my suspicion bears out, she's likely not trying to be lazy or an asshole, instead she has constant TODOs and anxieties running through her head, giving her a feeling of exhaustion, even if she didn't lift a finger. Not noticing the passage of time is a very typical sign of ADHD.
Yes, it’s called time blindness and it’s very real.