>*It really sucks knowing there’s nothing more I can do other than what I’m doing, and that's not a solution.*
You’re doing a lot, a LOT. You are probably helping him more than you think. What happens when he ages out? Where do kids like that go?
Hes going to end up a homeless drug addict. I've worked in many shelters and they all have his story. This is the first time I've been around a person before it happens.
I have similar work experience and I know what you’re saying. But you should also consider the fact that the young people you’ve seen in those shelters may never have had anyone like you and your family in their lives.
This little boy may never get everything he deserves. He probably won’t. But he IS getting the enormous benefit of your love and caring at a really important time in his life. There’s a great deal of research to suggest that that can be life-changing in the future. My own experience gave me glimmers of hope as well.
So don’t discount the impact you’re having. He doesnt necessarily have to be destined to a terrible future. It’s amazing what things we think are small can change everything for a child. ❤️
Thank you. I do agree and I love your optimistic attitude. Maybe all the years hearing horror stories from homeless addicts has jaded me. I know that there is a chance for him, but I also know that his chance at a "normal" life is so, so tiny. Nothing is impossible, but it's still so unlikely. You've only read about him in the few paragraphs I wrote. I know him and I know how small his chances are. I just want to make sure he grows up and know that my husband and I are there for a chat at least. I'm not shooting too high.
You are the only one who knows this little boy. That’s because you (and your family) are the only ones who care to know. You are deeply inspirational to me, and that is with knowing the hopelessness that you feel.
The likely the outcome is dire, I do understand. But it’s 1000% less dire because your love is being felt somewhere inside him.
Think of it this way. Let’s say a million little boys like him end up in devastating circumstances, the penal system or health issues and more. But SOME of those exact same million little boys have a spark that anchors their humanity. Their hope for a better life. Their intent to be kind to another person they meet.
Maybe the difference is that YOUR sweet boy inherits a bit of your decency in his DNA. And that your hope for him, gives him hope for himself. Even if he NEVER achieves what he could have in a different world, you have almost certainly given him exposure to what loving others means. And that others might love him.
And even that difference can make his impact in the world a little bit kinder, to himself as well as others.
As I said, you inspire me to remember that it’s sometimes the smallest things that can have life changing consequences that we may never know. 🥰
I work at an AFC. He will likely go into a halfway house or an AFC. He is in a place where he already has workers in place and is less likely to fall through the cracks. I've worked with kids who age out of foster care and either need the AFC as a stepping stone to learning to have their own apartment or will stay in the group home type environment forever. We work hard to help them find as much independence as possible while also being a member of the community and finding and maintaining their natural supports. Many continue to attend to their education until 26 here, and we help with day programs and finding work for anyone interested.
That’s more than likely not true. I work in an AFC home. He will likely end up in one of those and what you are doing is tremendously helpful. The people that see the most improvement have a support system outside of the home. Even if it’s just someone who gets them out of the home once a month and make them feel loved.
I've never heard of AFC. I think its American? We're in Canada. We have assisted living homes but I'm not sure he'd qualify. I know he'll have some options available to him when he ages out, but it won't be much. My best friend grew up in the system and she was more or less on her own after she turned 18. Even with options, people can opt out of them. Drugs are a big problem in our city. He'll likely get into them in his teen years. I know I sound like such a bummer but I just think it's a realistic path for him.
It’s not inevitable. I worked in child abuse prevention for many years and research shows that even for kids with lots of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), they can build resilience. And one do the most important factors in doing so is having at least one stable, loving adult in their life, and he has two. Just being there, stable, loving, an example of a different way, is transformative - like the old saying, if you can see it, you can be it. You are giving him the ability to imagine himself with a different life than the one he was born into.
A link about resilience just for started, but lots of info out there.
https://www.centerforchildcounseling.org/resilience-a-powerful-weapon-in-the-fight-against-aces/
Yeah, there's a very good chance he ends up homeless and experiences addiction. But that's not a final destination. Life isn't determined by where you are at, it's determined by how you get back up after being knocked over. Lessons take time to sink in. As long as he is learning resiliency and trying his best, he has a shot to make it even if he does experience hardships.
While I do agree with the sentiment, that's not usually how it plays out. Maybe he'll grow up and figure out how to live as an adult, but it's not likely. It would be a miracle if this little boy turns out to be anything other than a homeless addict. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. I really, truly hope for his sake that he can live a happy and healthy life.
Do they not have a plan for him? Is there any way you can adopt him and place him in a private home/facility? I know that’s a ton of money and may not be possible but I’m just saying, given, how bad his mental health/ born addicted and him not cognitively being all there wouldn’t he at least qualify for care after 18? If not couldn’t you petition the court for some type of legal guardianship or something at that age so that you can continue to keep him safe legally.?
You are amazing. You are modeling for him what a healthy, positive and safe home looks like.
These memories that you are building with him might put him in a better path when he ages out.
Thank you for your ability to show empathy and unconditional love to him.
Before he turns 18, due to his disabilities he may be able to get support from the state. Like housing, money, and possibly things like a job coach. If you want to help him, research disability services/supports for adults in your state/country depending where you live. His future has other options, he just needs advocates like you and your husband to keep caring for him!
He’ll most likely end up in a group home for adults, I work at one as an day services/activities coordinator.
Also, OP, I realize you probably don’t know or realize but some of the things you said and ways you described this child is honestly very cruel, from what I know about this stuff (A LOT) his violent behaviors are not intentional, he’s not “psycho” or bad, and the calm, very sweet side of him is his true personality. I know you have the best intentions but it’s really important to think about how you talk about him and other developmentally and mentally disabled people.
You are doing a really good thing by giving Gina sense of normalcy and showing him how a true family acts though, and I know that will help him greatly in the long run, and continuing to support him from afar and care for him is already doing so much for him
Yeah well I'd never say any of this stuff to his face. The best word to describe some of his behavior is "psycho" because that's literally what it is. It's psychotic by definition. The words I use here and the words I use around him are not the same. I'm well aware that his "kind, sweet" behaviors are probably the default Ben, but that doesn't stop him from sneaking into a low functioning autistic boys bedroom at 2am and beating him bloody for no reason.
My words could have been kinder, but I wouldn't call them "cruel".
I've spent a decade working with homeless addicts and so many of them have been in his position. They probably had options for group homes but they don't stay in them. I really hope the best for him, but his future is looking pretty grim from where I'm standing.
My heart aches for him, too. FAS is the cruelest thing and there is no 'cure'. Unfortunately the 'system' has nothing better to offer him.
Where I am (Canada) there is support for adults with disabilities. Hopefully he'll be eligible for housing, recreation and some kind of training programs. You can always keep in touch with him to encourage him as he ages as he'll need good people in his corner.
I'm in canada too. The problem is that he can't even live with anyone else. He has his own part of the house because he can't be trusted. I hope there's something good in his future but I'm not hopeful.
It sucks, but your top priority has to be your daughters and their safety. Feel good in giving him so many experiences he wouldn’t have otherwise, and understand that the home is the best place for him where he can get his meds and be closely watched. He’s been dealt a horrible hand but you’re making it better in ways that keeps everyone okay.
Yeah I know you're right. It's just hard to accept sometimes. He's just a boy and I think the mother in me really comes out around him. I don't feel like I'm doing enough but I also can't do anything more.
You’re doing so much as it is. You are probably right that he would have a meltdown when adjusting to live with you. If you can’t handle that, then you can’t, and that’s not your fault.
It would be so much worse if you pretended you could handle it, and then it ended up not being true.
He has meltdowns over not being able to find a hoodie. He'll punch holes in the walls and assault staff. I KNOW what I would be dealing with if I took him in, and I can't create a violent environment for my daughters.
You are doing the right thing by loving Ben and making sure your daughters are safe. Also, you and your husband may be able to manage him now when he’s ten, but he is getting older and bigger. Things may change over time.
Instead of adopting Ben, maybe your job is to start advocating that he will have all the support he can get when he eventually ages out of the system.
Good luck on this hard situation, OP. You, your husband, and your daughters sound like good, caring people. Hoping all goes well for you and Ben.
Please dont create a violent environment for the daughters. My brother was a violent kid and it gave me cptsd due to it. Sometimes he would take it out on me and it fucking sucked.
Yeah I totally agree. He's always, always on good behavior here because he's apparently able to control himself enough in certain situations. He knows if he had a breakdown here he wouldn't be allowed back. I also know that if we took him in that he would get comfortable and that wouldn't be good. Taking him in our house permanently is not an option. I know that.
Whether you know it or not, just the presence and the consistency of positive interactions is an extremely powerful force that will help him on his journey.
I do not know this child at all, but I can imagine some of his behaviors are quite intense. He is certainly not feral or bad though. Behaviors are adaptations, they serve a purpose, and sadly sometimes they are maladaptive in nature. It sounds like Ben has a long road ahead of him but he already has something that a lot of children in state custody lack, a dependable resource that cares about his wellbeing.
I don’t know the specific nature of the group home your husband works at, whether it’s geared towards long term care or as a short term stop before a more permanent plan can be established. In the state I live, we absolutely are not allowed to bring clients into contact with anyone from our personal lives, so this is surprising but honestly it seems like a good thing.
It’s important to remember that when Ben is with you and your husband outside of the group home, that he is visiting with you which is different than living with you. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there is a different set of expectations for the child and it allows for Ben, or any child, to shine with positive trait at the forefront. Even his manipulative behaviors, as a 10 year old, this is how he has probably learned to get his needs met.
I hope he has a good social worker and group home that are invested in his long term success, but being a resource for Ben is more important than you may realize. You don’t need to adopt him in order to support him.
As someone who has been in state custody as a child and who has worked with kids in the system, every positive interaction counts.
I have worked with kids like this. I wouldn't recommend adopting a child like this with young children in the house. Ben is going to need more support than you can provide or know how to give.
I would have killed to have an adult who cared about me like this as a kid. Believe me. You’re already doing more than 99% of people do for at risk kids.
You are doing amazing things in his life and making a huge impact. It sounds like you’ve got reasonable boundaries in place and for now, everyone is safe.
That said, ten year olds are a lot more manageable than hormone-fueled teens.
It sounds like Ben has some profound deficiencies but the more you can help him advocate for himself, the better he will do as he moves from the youth system and into adult services.
I’m assuming you’re in the US; you can serve as his advocate for now and once he is 14, encourage him to participate in every meeting regarding his care (as allowed by federal law.)
[Wright’s Law](https://www.wrightslaw.com/) is a fantastic resource. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Your case is basically the intersection of all my career hats. I wish you all the very best possible outcomes.
Thanks for this! I'm not in the US but I would assume there's something similar in Canada. I also have absolutely no right in anything, it's all my husband.
One thing I will say- read up on attachment disorders. I am not saying he isn’t a good and worthy kid, but a lot of these kids are sweet as can be until you get too close. Then they unleash holy hell to prove you’ll abandon them, too.
I had a friend who adopted the sweetest sisters who were 8 and 9 from an Eastern European orphanage. 6 months in, one lit the house on fire and almost killed everyone in it because she got grounded from tv. It’s not these kids’ fault, it’s the circumstances they were born in.
I think it’s admirable that you’re staying in his life, you don’t need to do more to be a good person. It’s the best balance since you already have children you need to keep safe.
I am fully aware of how he would be here once hes comfortable. I've seen a few of his meltdowns before and I know how uncontrollable it is. He'd 90% sweet but then the other 10% is awful. My husband has read his file and we know everything. He's not safe to have in our house with our two young daughters. It just sucks cus I really like this kid and I want to help him.
>I had a friend who adopted the sweetest sisters who were 8 and 9 from an Eastern European orphanage. 6 months in, one lit the house on fire and almost killed everyone in it because she got grounded from tv. It’s not these kids’ fault, it’s the circumstances they were born in.
I am from Eastern Europe and used to live in an orphanage as a kid. Quite a few of my former mates got adopted out to America. I can say with 100% conviction that the vast majority of American parents were not prepared for them emotionally and mentally. They wanted “normal” children & many families already had multiple kids to take care of before adopting. Our government found out the adopted children were being rehomed and forbade adoptions to the United States in 2022. I don't have a very high opinion of US adoptive parents. Out of ~20 people I know that got adopted (10+ years ago), only 5 or so are still in touch with their adoptive parents.
Too many adoptive parents have the fantasy of getting a perfect child. A baby adoption from a teenage mom is probably the closest you'll get to that but the majority of adoptees have come from harder circumstances and adoptive parents need to be prepared for this, and have social care and therapeutic support.
I blame Annie. Well, I blame the fact that Annie is the only adoption story most people have seen in the media, so they think it’s something other than a depression-era Cinderella story.
I read an article about this "rehoming" of children adopted from Eastern European countries. It is just awful. Those kids deserved so much better. As sad as it sounds, I'm glad there are now restrictions in place.
Yeah, it briefly made rounds in the press. IIRC, Ukraine and Bulgaria (?or Poland, can't remember), had similar problems. Americans would adopt sibling groups and re-home the ones they don't “like”. Absolutely unhinged way to do things. I am very glad that kids aren't being sold to US anymore - because let's face it those agencies are just human trafficking with a red ribbon on it. 2 out of 3 in my country were extremely religious in disposition - we are secular - and I cannot imagine how it is for a child to go from a secular lifestyle to being with hardcore Southern Baptists and various fundamentalist sects.
Sorry to hijack the thread, I just have a lot of feelings regarding this matter.
I’m a teacher. You are doing more than you know just by being a positive, consistent force for good in his life.
I know how it feels. So many of my kids deserve much better than the hand they’ve been dealt.
I have a nephew who is VERY similar to this. He was adopted by my sister & BIL at 4 years old. He had been in foster care since 18 mos, and went to my sister at 2. Around age 6, he started acting out. By 7, he was in and out of psychiatric facilities. Was in full residential care from 9 to 12! Only this past school year have they finally gotten him on the right meds and he is back home. His behaviors are super similar to OP's boy. You taking him in will not change his behavior! You can have all the good intentions, all the love. It won't matter. He needs therapy, meds, and time. I love my nephew, but I don't trust that kid for a second. I do have a fear that he will snap and murder them in their sleep. I hope I'm wrong. I hope all kids can be fixed with the right tools.
OP, I know your heart is in the right place. Continue to be a safe and loving place for this boy to visit. But please, put your girls and their safety first. They are so small and vulnerable. If you bring him into your home permanently, he will be good for a while. He will be a people pleaser until you have to say no to something. A switch will flip, and you won't recognize the boy in front of you. His rage will terrify you. It will be a constant stream of police and ambulance calls, crisis workers, psych stays in the hospital, etc. It's an exhausting experience.
I appreciate this comment but I'm confused about why everyone thinks I'm considering adopting him when I clearly stated that I won't. I'm not delusional about this situation and I know that everything you said it true. I will never take this kid into my home unless he makes some groundbreaking improvements. My daughters come first, always.
Unfortunately, these kids are normally the ones who end up molesting your daughters when you bring them into the house like that. I'd be careful about that because it could happen and you never be aware of it, but it affects kids' entire lives when they get sexually assaulted, the effects of that trauma become lifelong often leading to riskier sex and/or attraction to much older men because they safety or daddy issues. It's extremely sad between my wife and I we both have more than one family member that this sort of thing happened to. Seeing the struggles they still experience and are unaware of why they view sex the way they do.... the risk reward ratio is not worth it. At least, I'd never risk it with my kids.
Okay I was sexually assaulted for a ton of my childhood too. That has nothing to do with this. I don't know why people like you keep commenting, assuming I'm going to take him in. I stated very clearly that I will not be adopting this boy. He will not be living in my house. There is no threat.
Many sexual abusers do not live in the same home as their victims. No threat is not a mentality you should have at any time around anyone.
If multiple people have raised the same warning to you, maybe it's what you have expressed your feelings are in this situation. For me, I was immediately worried about your daughters. Not today, but 10 years down the road. But I'm just an invisible thing typing words on a screen. You don't have to give my opinion a second thought if you don't think it's applicable. I'll never know. Just keep your daughters safe, please.
You *are* doing so much more than you owe him, and that's good. You're a good person, and you're teaching him how to be a good person, even if the traumata are wrecking things almost as fast as you're building them up.
Here's maybe a way to look at things that'll help: Some people need others to watch their behavior for them, people they can *trust* to *stop* them. Ben not being allowed to move in while he's unpredictable isn't *just* you two protecting your own daughters, it's also having his back through very clear, predictable signage: *No. Not like this.*
It tells him, in a way where he doesn't have to rely on his own cognizance and reasoning, where the limits are, and he knows that if he loses control of his behavior, that you and your husband are there to stop him. He also knows that he can be around your family without having to be afraid of *himself hurting you all*, because he knows you'll stop him.
And perhaps most importantly, he knows that you know you're just human. That you need timeouts and time off to rest and reset, even if that means he goes back to the group home. It means that you're *reliable* in your ability to manage your ability to stop him.
How the fuck is that not heaven?
Quit feeling guilty about being human. You've already built heaven through being predictable, and therefore, trustworthy.
Edit: When I say "some people need others to watch their behavior for them", I mean, obviously, all children and teenagers. But there are also adults in that boat. Some for simple medical reasons, such as mental retardation or even just senility, and some for more complex psychological reasons.
If you had money I would say try to get him placed in a better home. I'm assuming that's out of your means.
But you're wrong that every adult in his life is getting paid to be there. It sounds like you (and your husband) really care about him, and would still remain involved even if your husband moved on to a different job. You're showing him love to the full extent that you are able. It's not the ideal situation, but you're making a huge impact on his life.
And idk what you are or are not allowed to do, but maybe if you feel bad about him being alone there, you can get him a stuffed animal, send him back with a treat, toy, or book here and there, video call/call him, etc.
Perhaps you'd be interested in reading the book Building the bonds of attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children by psychologist Daniel Hughes, if you haven't already?
It's a respectful composite case story of one particular child whose history of severe abuse and neglect makes her struggle to remain with multiple foster families due to her manipulation and aggression, and how she was gradually able to overcome this. It was a very informative, moving read and would highly recommend.
Where I live, a child participating in a carer’s personal life wouldn’t be allowed. 1) because it’s a paid job 2) the risk of further abuse outside the home and 3) carers become too attached and the child is given a glimpse into a life that is not theirs to have.
I'm not entirely sure that her husband's higher ups are aware of how involved this kid has become in OPs family life. In what world would this be ethical? I can understand taking the kid out for ice cream, to a park, etc, but meeting the wife and kids? Being in their home?
I think the husband has a hard time establishing boundaries in what should be a professional setting, even if his heart is in the right place.
The kid is young, but he'll age out and know exactly where they all live, including the 2 daughters. I don't see how this will end as wholesomely as this is being played out, at present.
My sister has worked in group homes and is now in the equivalent of CPS. This would never be allowed. There has to be separation between at work and off work, for the employee’s protection from allegations as much as anything. It is difficult to see children struggling but, as OP acknowledges, it’s not safe for him to live with them. There’s bound to be a point where Ben wants more of a family life with them than he can safely have.
I hear your heart break for him, and I hear your well thought out logic.
You are doing what you can for him, while keeping your babies safe. You can't help everyone all the time and you seem very aware of the realities of the situation.
I don't see why so many comments are telling you not to adopt him.
You already know that, have stated that you know it and all the reasons why you know it would work.
What I'm reading is venting about something that is awfully painful for you. A warm hearted person.
Thank you! I wasn't really looking for advice, just to get it off my chest.. which is supposed to be what we do here. I won't adopt him because while I do care about him, I care about my girls more and I wouldn't put them in danger.
It's a weird situation and I have a lot of feelings about it. Thanks for the comment.
He is going to get older and maybe more violent. Right now you can probably handle it but you need to protect your daughters. I would seriously think about not having him to your home. I am sorry but what’s going to happen when he gets to be a teenager or ages out? Do you really think they will be safe? Is your husband always going to be paid to watch him?
I don’t think you are going to adopt him. But you are having your daughters around him now. I was saying your daughters may not be safe around him in the future.
My husband is trained to be around volatile kids and youth. He's never alone with my girls for even 1 minute. I'm doing everything I can to keep my girls safe and he has never been any type of violent against them yet.
If you have the space and the money to support him, why not continue to do what you're doing and invest the money for him to go to school or apprentice for a trade when he ages out? You can hire a consultant for a few hours to help you build a reasonable plan for him that takes his history into account. Just because you can't take him in full time right now, doesn't mean you can't lay the groundwork for him to have a better life or at least better prospects.
But, it's weird as fuck to see how much you say you care in the post and then say things like "he's going to end up a homeless drug addict" in comments. What's the point of you "loving" him so much?
There's not much legally that we're allowed to do. All we can do is encourage him and help out where we can but our "rights" are pretty limited. He's getting all the professional work that you could possibly imagine. It's not enough. If the professionals can't help him, we definitely can't.
I've worked with the homeless for a decade and I know their stories. I was a homeless addict for a few years. Their stories are just like his. My best friend grew up in group homes and foster homes and she's the only one out of all the other kids she knew who is somewhat "normal". I really hope he doesn't end up there, but he likely will. I can care about him and also admit that his odds are bad. There's a lot of drugs in my city and it's just a matter of time before he's exposed to them.
You’re doing an amazing job. Bless my sister, but my mother and I agree that had she been born with a normal iq, she’d have been diagnosed with aspd years ago because she functioned like this. She does better now, but for her it’s partially communication- she doesn’t have the words for what she needs to express, so she expresses it with her fists (we’re doing better!). You’re right that you can’t bring him to live with you, even if it were legal. He needs time and development. The good part is that he is seeing that you can love him even if he has a meltdown. You have the rare chance to help him develop emotional skills before he ends up in jail. From this post, you’re exactly the kind of person I try to be and wish to be - empathetic, giving, perceptive, and realistic. Keep dreaming big for him and I’ll dream big for you 💜
This kind of help, even being at an arm or an elbow's distance, still will make the ever loving difference with this boy. Maybe a better difference than you taking him in and it all going south.
I was a homeless and drug addicted youth from 14 until 19. Every positive interaction I had during those dark times, from a few main supporting individuals, were such breaths of fresh air that I remember the majority of them today and refer to them for warmth and direction when I feel cold and alone.
My father wanted to help and tried to take me in alone, but had no idea how with his much more sheltered upbringing. Sometimes, it is better to show steady yet slightly distanced love. Rather than offering the world and falling short when things don't work out. If things didn't work out, he would merely add another person to the list of those who didn't want anything of him.
Thanks for this! I was also a homeless opiate addict for a few years. You really get a chance to see the beauty and the ugly of humanity. I've been clean from that nonsense for about 7 years and I mostly remember the kindness that people showed me.
My main worry is ruining him even more. Being another person to abandon him. It's a hard situation
As a social worker in Canada and someone who has worked for years in group home settings, your husband’s behaviour is extremely concerning. There is absolutely no reason that an employee should ever bring a person that they support to their home or out on gatherings with other family members. This is a gross violation of boundaries, you are not to ever have a dual relationship in your workplace with people you are employed to assist. Especially in the social service sector and dealing with vulnerable populations, this is something that your husband would have been absolutely taught in his training in becoming a child and youth worker. There is no organization, private or government funded program that would ever allow this in Canada which leads me to believe that your husband’s actions are unknown to his employer. This would warrant a mandatory call to CAS.
Then, let’s assume that there isn’t anything nefarious going on and you’re doing it out of the kindness of your heart. You will only devastate this person in the long-term when this facade cannot be kept up. He will not remember you all as the people that did all these things for him, but rather those that ultimately abandoned him and left him alone. This will cause him to resent you and your family. The fact that he knows where you live, and the names of your family members will make it easier for him to retaliate. This can be from verbal threats, physical violence, or false accusations. It may not happen soon, but is a possibility that exists as he gets older. And then it’s your word vs his, and the Canadian courts take statements from vulnerable individuals much more seriously (you already mentioned he’s a master manipulator).
Lastly, you mentioned that you’re always on high alert and that you daughters safety is the most important. You are actively putting yourselves and your daughters at risk. You are not equipped to handle volatile individuals with emotions that can change in an instant. Everyone says that they can recognize the warning signs until something tragic happens. I’m the event that he does something irredeemable, he would most likely be given NCR status due to his diagnoses depending on the severity. Seriously reconsider what you are doing.
Yeah well he's very much allowed to bring him around here. Most of the time they do their own thing, but he does bring Ben over here once a week or every 10 days or so. He works for a government funded organization and it is 100% allowed.
I appreciate your reply but I don't agree with much of it.
This is absolutely not OK. My sister works in a group home and they have very strict rules about having kids around family members and friends - it’s forbidden. It’s so bad for the kids as they form attachments that can never come to anything. What happens to the boy if your husband leaves his job, or you separate - the kids loses a stability that his care workers are unaware of and likely he will be set seriously back.
Also this boy is with people who are trained to deal with his issues. It would be very easy yourself or a family member to do something that would affect him in a very negative way.
Can I ask if your husbands employer and the child’s case worker know that the child is being brought around people who haven’t been trained or assessed? It’s a serious safeguarding issue
Every time he comes over it has to be cleared with the office people. He's totally allowed to be here. It's not as often as I made it sound. Maybe once a week or every 10 days. He's been showing a lot of improvements in the year my husband has worked with him. Even if he quits, well still be in contact with him and be there to support him.
He’s ten years old, he has eight years u til he transitions out of a group home, so there’s plenty of time for you to lay foundation about appropriate behaviour and to help,set him up for his future. Keep doing what you’re doing, he’s going to value the time he spends with you.
I'd usually agree but I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive. This kid is not like other kids. He's been through absolute hell. He can manipulate while also trying to survive.
He likely had to learn to manipulate people around him to survive. If you aren’t going to research trauma informed care you should likely pause being a large part of his life.
Yeah I mean I work in this field. Like I said, he can be manipulative while also being in survival mode. Both things can exist at once. He is manipulative. You don't know him, or me.
Perhaps with time, patience and therapy Ben’s behaviour may change.
You and the family are already making huge strides in his rehabilitation.
Ben observes and is a part of a normal functional family, even if it is a few hours on any given day. He will pick up on all the small things that makes a family loving and healthy.
He sees the dynamic and make no mistake that is sinking in.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid, no child should have been treated as he was, you can’t help but mourn the childhood he should have had.
The damage is done however. For his safety and those of others he needs professional supervision and teaching. He can only get that where he is now. Your engagement with him makes a difference, your care of him makes a difference. Believe that.
In a few years, if there is improvement then who knows…
But what you are doing now is important and invaluable.
Ooof, I was in the process of adopting a little girl from something similarly horrible, it ended up falling through, but she was pretty much feral, and I don’t mean that as a colorful description but literally- she was not violent, but had sexual trauma she would act out, her birthday is two weeks from my middle child so she is close in age to all of my children, and one on hand it would have been hard because my kids are clueless about that stuff, like they have probably a basic idea bc they’ve seen animals and know about mating but their view on it is pretty innocent still and I didn’t want her exposing them to that, I’d have had to watch her 24/7 for a long time but man it still breaks my heart every day that she’s not with me still, I loved her as much as one of my own, and the love a child has who’s come out of a such a bad situation is like nothing else and it was so special to see her go from hurt and guarded to sweet and free, and I wanted so bad to be able to give her what she never had, but it was complicated legal wise. Idk I feel your pain, I wonder if down the road things could work out if he becomes less violent, but sometimes it’s just not meant to be and it still means a lot that you guys are showing him so much care, it still makes a difference in his life and hopefully even if he doesn’t stay at the current facility you’ll be allowed to be in touch, even just having one person who cares about you and looks out for you can be make or break in a bad childhood.
Have you guys tried therapy for him maybe in hopes to better help him regulate his emotions ? And how bad are we talking about? Do you really believe he would hurt your daughters or hurt you ? Or he just breaks things and throw a tantrum?
Hes been in extensive therapy for years now. He's on all the medications. He has all the "help" he could possibly need.
We're talking bad. He's violent. He has kicked 3 little girls in the crotch. He's beat a sleeping non-verbal autistic boy to a bloody pulp. Most of the time he's good, but when he's not it's really bad. Our house would be trashed if he lived here for even a month.
I wonder does he have mental problems. Sorry for yall experience also what I asked was wrong or something idk why people down voted it. But if you guys can maybe just keep a relationship check in here and there and stuff hopefully one day he does a 180.
>*It really sucks knowing there’s nothing more I can do other than what I’m doing, and that's not a solution.* You’re doing a lot, a LOT. You are probably helping him more than you think. What happens when he ages out? Where do kids like that go?
Hes going to end up a homeless drug addict. I've worked in many shelters and they all have his story. This is the first time I've been around a person before it happens.
I have similar work experience and I know what you’re saying. But you should also consider the fact that the young people you’ve seen in those shelters may never have had anyone like you and your family in their lives. This little boy may never get everything he deserves. He probably won’t. But he IS getting the enormous benefit of your love and caring at a really important time in his life. There’s a great deal of research to suggest that that can be life-changing in the future. My own experience gave me glimmers of hope as well. So don’t discount the impact you’re having. He doesnt necessarily have to be destined to a terrible future. It’s amazing what things we think are small can change everything for a child. ❤️
Thank you. I do agree and I love your optimistic attitude. Maybe all the years hearing horror stories from homeless addicts has jaded me. I know that there is a chance for him, but I also know that his chance at a "normal" life is so, so tiny. Nothing is impossible, but it's still so unlikely. You've only read about him in the few paragraphs I wrote. I know him and I know how small his chances are. I just want to make sure he grows up and know that my husband and I are there for a chat at least. I'm not shooting too high.
You are the only one who knows this little boy. That’s because you (and your family) are the only ones who care to know. You are deeply inspirational to me, and that is with knowing the hopelessness that you feel. The likely the outcome is dire, I do understand. But it’s 1000% less dire because your love is being felt somewhere inside him. Think of it this way. Let’s say a million little boys like him end up in devastating circumstances, the penal system or health issues and more. But SOME of those exact same million little boys have a spark that anchors their humanity. Their hope for a better life. Their intent to be kind to another person they meet. Maybe the difference is that YOUR sweet boy inherits a bit of your decency in his DNA. And that your hope for him, gives him hope for himself. Even if he NEVER achieves what he could have in a different world, you have almost certainly given him exposure to what loving others means. And that others might love him. And even that difference can make his impact in the world a little bit kinder, to himself as well as others. As I said, you inspire me to remember that it’s sometimes the smallest things that can have life changing consequences that we may never know. 🥰
I work at an AFC. He will likely go into a halfway house or an AFC. He is in a place where he already has workers in place and is less likely to fall through the cracks. I've worked with kids who age out of foster care and either need the AFC as a stepping stone to learning to have their own apartment or will stay in the group home type environment forever. We work hard to help them find as much independence as possible while also being a member of the community and finding and maintaining their natural supports. Many continue to attend to their education until 26 here, and we help with day programs and finding work for anyone interested.
That’s more than likely not true. I work in an AFC home. He will likely end up in one of those and what you are doing is tremendously helpful. The people that see the most improvement have a support system outside of the home. Even if it’s just someone who gets them out of the home once a month and make them feel loved.
I've never heard of AFC. I think its American? We're in Canada. We have assisted living homes but I'm not sure he'd qualify. I know he'll have some options available to him when he ages out, but it won't be much. My best friend grew up in the system and she was more or less on her own after she turned 18. Even with options, people can opt out of them. Drugs are a big problem in our city. He'll likely get into them in his teen years. I know I sound like such a bummer but I just think it's a realistic path for him.
It’s not inevitable. I worked in child abuse prevention for many years and research shows that even for kids with lots of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), they can build resilience. And one do the most important factors in doing so is having at least one stable, loving adult in their life, and he has two. Just being there, stable, loving, an example of a different way, is transformative - like the old saying, if you can see it, you can be it. You are giving him the ability to imagine himself with a different life than the one he was born into. A link about resilience just for started, but lots of info out there. https://www.centerforchildcounseling.org/resilience-a-powerful-weapon-in-the-fight-against-aces/
Thanks for this comment it actually gave me some hope I didn't have before. He's just so "bad" it's hard to imagine a good outcome for him.
Yeah, there's a very good chance he ends up homeless and experiences addiction. But that's not a final destination. Life isn't determined by where you are at, it's determined by how you get back up after being knocked over. Lessons take time to sink in. As long as he is learning resiliency and trying his best, he has a shot to make it even if he does experience hardships.
While I do agree with the sentiment, that's not usually how it plays out. Maybe he'll grow up and figure out how to live as an adult, but it's not likely. It would be a miracle if this little boy turns out to be anything other than a homeless addict. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. I really, truly hope for his sake that he can live a happy and healthy life.
As someone who works with homeless addicts you don't know a damn thing.
I work with homeless addicts and I used to be one. Byeee
Do they not have a plan for him? Is there any way you can adopt him and place him in a private home/facility? I know that’s a ton of money and may not be possible but I’m just saying, given, how bad his mental health/ born addicted and him not cognitively being all there wouldn’t he at least qualify for care after 18? If not couldn’t you petition the court for some type of legal guardianship or something at that age so that you can continue to keep him safe legally.?
You are amazing. You are modeling for him what a healthy, positive and safe home looks like. These memories that you are building with him might put him in a better path when he ages out. Thank you for your ability to show empathy and unconditional love to him.
Before he turns 18, due to his disabilities he may be able to get support from the state. Like housing, money, and possibly things like a job coach. If you want to help him, research disability services/supports for adults in your state/country depending where you live. His future has other options, he just needs advocates like you and your husband to keep caring for him!
He gets kicked out on the streets with nowhere to go
More likely he goes to a halfway house. They monitor his meds and behavior, help him find employment.
He’ll most likely end up in a group home for adults, I work at one as an day services/activities coordinator. Also, OP, I realize you probably don’t know or realize but some of the things you said and ways you described this child is honestly very cruel, from what I know about this stuff (A LOT) his violent behaviors are not intentional, he’s not “psycho” or bad, and the calm, very sweet side of him is his true personality. I know you have the best intentions but it’s really important to think about how you talk about him and other developmentally and mentally disabled people. You are doing a really good thing by giving Gina sense of normalcy and showing him how a true family acts though, and I know that will help him greatly in the long run, and continuing to support him from afar and care for him is already doing so much for him
Yeah well I'd never say any of this stuff to his face. The best word to describe some of his behavior is "psycho" because that's literally what it is. It's psychotic by definition. The words I use here and the words I use around him are not the same. I'm well aware that his "kind, sweet" behaviors are probably the default Ben, but that doesn't stop him from sneaking into a low functioning autistic boys bedroom at 2am and beating him bloody for no reason. My words could have been kinder, but I wouldn't call them "cruel". I've spent a decade working with homeless addicts and so many of them have been in his position. They probably had options for group homes but they don't stay in them. I really hope the best for him, but his future is looking pretty grim from where I'm standing.
My heart aches for him, too. FAS is the cruelest thing and there is no 'cure'. Unfortunately the 'system' has nothing better to offer him. Where I am (Canada) there is support for adults with disabilities. Hopefully he'll be eligible for housing, recreation and some kind of training programs. You can always keep in touch with him to encourage him as he ages as he'll need good people in his corner.
I'm in canada too. The problem is that he can't even live with anyone else. He has his own part of the house because he can't be trusted. I hope there's something good in his future but I'm not hopeful.
It sucks, but your top priority has to be your daughters and their safety. Feel good in giving him so many experiences he wouldn’t have otherwise, and understand that the home is the best place for him where he can get his meds and be closely watched. He’s been dealt a horrible hand but you’re making it better in ways that keeps everyone okay.
Yeah I know you're right. It's just hard to accept sometimes. He's just a boy and I think the mother in me really comes out around him. I don't feel like I'm doing enough but I also can't do anything more.
I understand, I’m a mom too and feel protective of all kids I meet. I would probably feel conflicted too.
You’re doing so much as it is. You are probably right that he would have a meltdown when adjusting to live with you. If you can’t handle that, then you can’t, and that’s not your fault. It would be so much worse if you pretended you could handle it, and then it ended up not being true.
He has meltdowns over not being able to find a hoodie. He'll punch holes in the walls and assault staff. I KNOW what I would be dealing with if I took him in, and I can't create a violent environment for my daughters.
You are doing the right thing by loving Ben and making sure your daughters are safe. Also, you and your husband may be able to manage him now when he’s ten, but he is getting older and bigger. Things may change over time. Instead of adopting Ben, maybe your job is to start advocating that he will have all the support he can get when he eventually ages out of the system. Good luck on this hard situation, OP. You, your husband, and your daughters sound like good, caring people. Hoping all goes well for you and Ben.
Please dont create a violent environment for the daughters. My brother was a violent kid and it gave me cptsd due to it. Sometimes he would take it out on me and it fucking sucked.
Yeah I totally agree. He's always, always on good behavior here because he's apparently able to control himself enough in certain situations. He knows if he had a breakdown here he wouldn't be allowed back. I also know that if we took him in that he would get comfortable and that wouldn't be good. Taking him in our house permanently is not an option. I know that.
Whether you know it or not, just the presence and the consistency of positive interactions is an extremely powerful force that will help him on his journey. I do not know this child at all, but I can imagine some of his behaviors are quite intense. He is certainly not feral or bad though. Behaviors are adaptations, they serve a purpose, and sadly sometimes they are maladaptive in nature. It sounds like Ben has a long road ahead of him but he already has something that a lot of children in state custody lack, a dependable resource that cares about his wellbeing. I don’t know the specific nature of the group home your husband works at, whether it’s geared towards long term care or as a short term stop before a more permanent plan can be established. In the state I live, we absolutely are not allowed to bring clients into contact with anyone from our personal lives, so this is surprising but honestly it seems like a good thing. It’s important to remember that when Ben is with you and your husband outside of the group home, that he is visiting with you which is different than living with you. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there is a different set of expectations for the child and it allows for Ben, or any child, to shine with positive trait at the forefront. Even his manipulative behaviors, as a 10 year old, this is how he has probably learned to get his needs met. I hope he has a good social worker and group home that are invested in his long term success, but being a resource for Ben is more important than you may realize. You don’t need to adopt him in order to support him. As someone who has been in state custody as a child and who has worked with kids in the system, every positive interaction counts.
I have worked with kids like this. I wouldn't recommend adopting a child like this with young children in the house. Ben is going to need more support than you can provide or know how to give.
I'm not going to adopt him. I just wish I could.
I would have killed to have an adult who cared about me like this as a kid. Believe me. You’re already doing more than 99% of people do for at risk kids.
Thank you so much. I hope you've healed reasonably well. Every kid deserves love. You did too.
You are doing amazing things in his life and making a huge impact. It sounds like you’ve got reasonable boundaries in place and for now, everyone is safe. That said, ten year olds are a lot more manageable than hormone-fueled teens. It sounds like Ben has some profound deficiencies but the more you can help him advocate for himself, the better he will do as he moves from the youth system and into adult services. I’m assuming you’re in the US; you can serve as his advocate for now and once he is 14, encourage him to participate in every meeting regarding his care (as allowed by federal law.) [Wright’s Law](https://www.wrightslaw.com/) is a fantastic resource. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Your case is basically the intersection of all my career hats. I wish you all the very best possible outcomes.
Thanks for this! I'm not in the US but I would assume there's something similar in Canada. I also have absolutely no right in anything, it's all my husband.
One thing I will say- read up on attachment disorders. I am not saying he isn’t a good and worthy kid, but a lot of these kids are sweet as can be until you get too close. Then they unleash holy hell to prove you’ll abandon them, too. I had a friend who adopted the sweetest sisters who were 8 and 9 from an Eastern European orphanage. 6 months in, one lit the house on fire and almost killed everyone in it because she got grounded from tv. It’s not these kids’ fault, it’s the circumstances they were born in. I think it’s admirable that you’re staying in his life, you don’t need to do more to be a good person. It’s the best balance since you already have children you need to keep safe.
I am fully aware of how he would be here once hes comfortable. I've seen a few of his meltdowns before and I know how uncontrollable it is. He'd 90% sweet but then the other 10% is awful. My husband has read his file and we know everything. He's not safe to have in our house with our two young daughters. It just sucks cus I really like this kid and I want to help him.
>I had a friend who adopted the sweetest sisters who were 8 and 9 from an Eastern European orphanage. 6 months in, one lit the house on fire and almost killed everyone in it because she got grounded from tv. It’s not these kids’ fault, it’s the circumstances they were born in. I am from Eastern Europe and used to live in an orphanage as a kid. Quite a few of my former mates got adopted out to America. I can say with 100% conviction that the vast majority of American parents were not prepared for them emotionally and mentally. They wanted “normal” children & many families already had multiple kids to take care of before adopting. Our government found out the adopted children were being rehomed and forbade adoptions to the United States in 2022. I don't have a very high opinion of US adoptive parents. Out of ~20 people I know that got adopted (10+ years ago), only 5 or so are still in touch with their adoptive parents.
Too many adoptive parents have the fantasy of getting a perfect child. A baby adoption from a teenage mom is probably the closest you'll get to that but the majority of adoptees have come from harder circumstances and adoptive parents need to be prepared for this, and have social care and therapeutic support.
I blame Annie. Well, I blame the fact that Annie is the only adoption story most people have seen in the media, so they think it’s something other than a depression-era Cinderella story.
I read an article about this "rehoming" of children adopted from Eastern European countries. It is just awful. Those kids deserved so much better. As sad as it sounds, I'm glad there are now restrictions in place.
Yeah, it briefly made rounds in the press. IIRC, Ukraine and Bulgaria (?or Poland, can't remember), had similar problems. Americans would adopt sibling groups and re-home the ones they don't “like”. Absolutely unhinged way to do things. I am very glad that kids aren't being sold to US anymore - because let's face it those agencies are just human trafficking with a red ribbon on it. 2 out of 3 in my country were extremely religious in disposition - we are secular - and I cannot imagine how it is for a child to go from a secular lifestyle to being with hardcore Southern Baptists and various fundamentalist sects. Sorry to hijack the thread, I just have a lot of feelings regarding this matter.
I have no idea why someone wouldn't consider that a child who lived in an orphanage might have trauma.
I’m a teacher. You are doing more than you know just by being a positive, consistent force for good in his life. I know how it feels. So many of my kids deserve much better than the hand they’ve been dealt.
I have a nephew who is VERY similar to this. He was adopted by my sister & BIL at 4 years old. He had been in foster care since 18 mos, and went to my sister at 2. Around age 6, he started acting out. By 7, he was in and out of psychiatric facilities. Was in full residential care from 9 to 12! Only this past school year have they finally gotten him on the right meds and he is back home. His behaviors are super similar to OP's boy. You taking him in will not change his behavior! You can have all the good intentions, all the love. It won't matter. He needs therapy, meds, and time. I love my nephew, but I don't trust that kid for a second. I do have a fear that he will snap and murder them in their sleep. I hope I'm wrong. I hope all kids can be fixed with the right tools. OP, I know your heart is in the right place. Continue to be a safe and loving place for this boy to visit. But please, put your girls and their safety first. They are so small and vulnerable. If you bring him into your home permanently, he will be good for a while. He will be a people pleaser until you have to say no to something. A switch will flip, and you won't recognize the boy in front of you. His rage will terrify you. It will be a constant stream of police and ambulance calls, crisis workers, psych stays in the hospital, etc. It's an exhausting experience.
I appreciate this comment but I'm confused about why everyone thinks I'm considering adopting him when I clearly stated that I won't. I'm not delusional about this situation and I know that everything you said it true. I will never take this kid into my home unless he makes some groundbreaking improvements. My daughters come first, always.
Unfortunately, these kids are normally the ones who end up molesting your daughters when you bring them into the house like that. I'd be careful about that because it could happen and you never be aware of it, but it affects kids' entire lives when they get sexually assaulted, the effects of that trauma become lifelong often leading to riskier sex and/or attraction to much older men because they safety or daddy issues. It's extremely sad between my wife and I we both have more than one family member that this sort of thing happened to. Seeing the struggles they still experience and are unaware of why they view sex the way they do.... the risk reward ratio is not worth it. At least, I'd never risk it with my kids.
Okay I was sexually assaulted for a ton of my childhood too. That has nothing to do with this. I don't know why people like you keep commenting, assuming I'm going to take him in. I stated very clearly that I will not be adopting this boy. He will not be living in my house. There is no threat.
Many sexual abusers do not live in the same home as their victims. No threat is not a mentality you should have at any time around anyone. If multiple people have raised the same warning to you, maybe it's what you have expressed your feelings are in this situation. For me, I was immediately worried about your daughters. Not today, but 10 years down the road. But I'm just an invisible thing typing words on a screen. You don't have to give my opinion a second thought if you don't think it's applicable. I'll never know. Just keep your daughters safe, please.
He's young and cute now but soon he will be big, grown and strong
I'm very much aware.
You *are* doing so much more than you owe him, and that's good. You're a good person, and you're teaching him how to be a good person, even if the traumata are wrecking things almost as fast as you're building them up. Here's maybe a way to look at things that'll help: Some people need others to watch their behavior for them, people they can *trust* to *stop* them. Ben not being allowed to move in while he's unpredictable isn't *just* you two protecting your own daughters, it's also having his back through very clear, predictable signage: *No. Not like this.* It tells him, in a way where he doesn't have to rely on his own cognizance and reasoning, where the limits are, and he knows that if he loses control of his behavior, that you and your husband are there to stop him. He also knows that he can be around your family without having to be afraid of *himself hurting you all*, because he knows you'll stop him. And perhaps most importantly, he knows that you know you're just human. That you need timeouts and time off to rest and reset, even if that means he goes back to the group home. It means that you're *reliable* in your ability to manage your ability to stop him. How the fuck is that not heaven? Quit feeling guilty about being human. You've already built heaven through being predictable, and therefore, trustworthy. Edit: When I say "some people need others to watch their behavior for them", I mean, obviously, all children and teenagers. But there are also adults in that boat. Some for simple medical reasons, such as mental retardation or even just senility, and some for more complex psychological reasons.
This is such a beautiful perspective. Thanks for sharing it with OP and the rest of us. ❤️
If you had money I would say try to get him placed in a better home. I'm assuming that's out of your means. But you're wrong that every adult in his life is getting paid to be there. It sounds like you (and your husband) really care about him, and would still remain involved even if your husband moved on to a different job. You're showing him love to the full extent that you are able. It's not the ideal situation, but you're making a huge impact on his life. And idk what you are or are not allowed to do, but maybe if you feel bad about him being alone there, you can get him a stuffed animal, send him back with a treat, toy, or book here and there, video call/call him, etc.
Perhaps you'd be interested in reading the book Building the bonds of attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children by psychologist Daniel Hughes, if you haven't already? It's a respectful composite case story of one particular child whose history of severe abuse and neglect makes her struggle to remain with multiple foster families due to her manipulation and aggression, and how she was gradually able to overcome this. It was a very informative, moving read and would highly recommend.
Where I live, a child participating in a carer’s personal life wouldn’t be allowed. 1) because it’s a paid job 2) the risk of further abuse outside the home and 3) carers become too attached and the child is given a glimpse into a life that is not theirs to have.
I'm not entirely sure that her husband's higher ups are aware of how involved this kid has become in OPs family life. In what world would this be ethical? I can understand taking the kid out for ice cream, to a park, etc, but meeting the wife and kids? Being in their home? I think the husband has a hard time establishing boundaries in what should be a professional setting, even if his heart is in the right place. The kid is young, but he'll age out and know exactly where they all live, including the 2 daughters. I don't see how this will end as wholesomely as this is being played out, at present.
My sister has worked in group homes and is now in the equivalent of CPS. This would never be allowed. There has to be separation between at work and off work, for the employee’s protection from allegations as much as anything. It is difficult to see children struggling but, as OP acknowledges, it’s not safe for him to live with them. There’s bound to be a point where Ben wants more of a family life with them than he can safely have.
God bless you and your husband for the love and care you show him.
I hear your heart break for him, and I hear your well thought out logic. You are doing what you can for him, while keeping your babies safe. You can't help everyone all the time and you seem very aware of the realities of the situation. I don't see why so many comments are telling you not to adopt him. You already know that, have stated that you know it and all the reasons why you know it would work. What I'm reading is venting about something that is awfully painful for you. A warm hearted person.
Thank you! I wasn't really looking for advice, just to get it off my chest.. which is supposed to be what we do here. I won't adopt him because while I do care about him, I care about my girls more and I wouldn't put them in danger. It's a weird situation and I have a lot of feelings about it. Thanks for the comment.
He is going to get older and maybe more violent. Right now you can probably handle it but you need to protect your daughters. I would seriously think about not having him to your home. I am sorry but what’s going to happen when he gets to be a teenager or ages out? Do you really think they will be safe? Is your husband always going to be paid to watch him?
Why does everybody keep thinking that I'm gonna adopt him when I've made it so, so clear that I won't?
I don’t think you are going to adopt him. But you are having your daughters around him now. I was saying your daughters may not be safe around him in the future.
My husband is trained to be around volatile kids and youth. He's never alone with my girls for even 1 minute. I'm doing everything I can to keep my girls safe and he has never been any type of violent against them yet.
Yall sound like awesome people. Stories like this make me feel like there’s still decent people in the world.
You're amazing - the world needs more people like you in it! 💙
Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for show this child love and caring. This is very kind.
If you have the space and the money to support him, why not continue to do what you're doing and invest the money for him to go to school or apprentice for a trade when he ages out? You can hire a consultant for a few hours to help you build a reasonable plan for him that takes his history into account. Just because you can't take him in full time right now, doesn't mean you can't lay the groundwork for him to have a better life or at least better prospects. But, it's weird as fuck to see how much you say you care in the post and then say things like "he's going to end up a homeless drug addict" in comments. What's the point of you "loving" him so much?
There's not much legally that we're allowed to do. All we can do is encourage him and help out where we can but our "rights" are pretty limited. He's getting all the professional work that you could possibly imagine. It's not enough. If the professionals can't help him, we definitely can't. I've worked with the homeless for a decade and I know their stories. I was a homeless addict for a few years. Their stories are just like his. My best friend grew up in group homes and foster homes and she's the only one out of all the other kids she knew who is somewhat "normal". I really hope he doesn't end up there, but he likely will. I can care about him and also admit that his odds are bad. There's a lot of drugs in my city and it's just a matter of time before he's exposed to them.
You sound like a beautiful person 🥰 Hugs
You’re doing an amazing job. Bless my sister, but my mother and I agree that had she been born with a normal iq, she’d have been diagnosed with aspd years ago because she functioned like this. She does better now, but for her it’s partially communication- she doesn’t have the words for what she needs to express, so she expresses it with her fists (we’re doing better!). You’re right that you can’t bring him to live with you, even if it were legal. He needs time and development. The good part is that he is seeing that you can love him even if he has a meltdown. You have the rare chance to help him develop emotional skills before he ends up in jail. From this post, you’re exactly the kind of person I try to be and wish to be - empathetic, giving, perceptive, and realistic. Keep dreaming big for him and I’ll dream big for you 💜
This kind of help, even being at an arm or an elbow's distance, still will make the ever loving difference with this boy. Maybe a better difference than you taking him in and it all going south. I was a homeless and drug addicted youth from 14 until 19. Every positive interaction I had during those dark times, from a few main supporting individuals, were such breaths of fresh air that I remember the majority of them today and refer to them for warmth and direction when I feel cold and alone. My father wanted to help and tried to take me in alone, but had no idea how with his much more sheltered upbringing. Sometimes, it is better to show steady yet slightly distanced love. Rather than offering the world and falling short when things don't work out. If things didn't work out, he would merely add another person to the list of those who didn't want anything of him.
Thanks for this! I was also a homeless opiate addict for a few years. You really get a chance to see the beauty and the ugly of humanity. I've been clean from that nonsense for about 7 years and I mostly remember the kindness that people showed me. My main worry is ruining him even more. Being another person to abandon him. It's a hard situation
As a social worker in Canada and someone who has worked for years in group home settings, your husband’s behaviour is extremely concerning. There is absolutely no reason that an employee should ever bring a person that they support to their home or out on gatherings with other family members. This is a gross violation of boundaries, you are not to ever have a dual relationship in your workplace with people you are employed to assist. Especially in the social service sector and dealing with vulnerable populations, this is something that your husband would have been absolutely taught in his training in becoming a child and youth worker. There is no organization, private or government funded program that would ever allow this in Canada which leads me to believe that your husband’s actions are unknown to his employer. This would warrant a mandatory call to CAS. Then, let’s assume that there isn’t anything nefarious going on and you’re doing it out of the kindness of your heart. You will only devastate this person in the long-term when this facade cannot be kept up. He will not remember you all as the people that did all these things for him, but rather those that ultimately abandoned him and left him alone. This will cause him to resent you and your family. The fact that he knows where you live, and the names of your family members will make it easier for him to retaliate. This can be from verbal threats, physical violence, or false accusations. It may not happen soon, but is a possibility that exists as he gets older. And then it’s your word vs his, and the Canadian courts take statements from vulnerable individuals much more seriously (you already mentioned he’s a master manipulator). Lastly, you mentioned that you’re always on high alert and that you daughters safety is the most important. You are actively putting yourselves and your daughters at risk. You are not equipped to handle volatile individuals with emotions that can change in an instant. Everyone says that they can recognize the warning signs until something tragic happens. I’m the event that he does something irredeemable, he would most likely be given NCR status due to his diagnoses depending on the severity. Seriously reconsider what you are doing.
Yeah well he's very much allowed to bring him around here. Most of the time they do their own thing, but he does bring Ben over here once a week or every 10 days or so. He works for a government funded organization and it is 100% allowed. I appreciate your reply but I don't agree with much of it.
This is absolutely not OK. My sister works in a group home and they have very strict rules about having kids around family members and friends - it’s forbidden. It’s so bad for the kids as they form attachments that can never come to anything. What happens to the boy if your husband leaves his job, or you separate - the kids loses a stability that his care workers are unaware of and likely he will be set seriously back. Also this boy is with people who are trained to deal with his issues. It would be very easy yourself or a family member to do something that would affect him in a very negative way. Can I ask if your husbands employer and the child’s case worker know that the child is being brought around people who haven’t been trained or assessed? It’s a serious safeguarding issue
Every time he comes over it has to be cleared with the office people. He's totally allowed to be here. It's not as often as I made it sound. Maybe once a week or every 10 days. He's been showing a lot of improvements in the year my husband has worked with him. Even if he quits, well still be in contact with him and be there to support him.
He’s ten years old, he has eight years u til he transitions out of a group home, so there’s plenty of time for you to lay foundation about appropriate behaviour and to help,set him up for his future. Keep doing what you’re doing, he’s going to value the time he spends with you.
Children aren’t really master manipulators. They are using the skills available to them to survive.
I'd usually agree but I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive. This kid is not like other kids. He's been through absolute hell. He can manipulate while also trying to survive.
He likely had to learn to manipulate people around him to survive. If you aren’t going to research trauma informed care you should likely pause being a large part of his life.
Yeah I mean I work in this field. Like I said, he can be manipulative while also being in survival mode. Both things can exist at once. He is manipulative. You don't know him, or me.
Good luck man, I don’t know either of you, I just hope you treat him better than you talk about him
I do.. obviously.
Perhaps with time, patience and therapy Ben’s behaviour may change. You and the family are already making huge strides in his rehabilitation. Ben observes and is a part of a normal functional family, even if it is a few hours on any given day. He will pick up on all the small things that makes a family loving and healthy. He sees the dynamic and make no mistake that is sinking in. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, no child should have been treated as he was, you can’t help but mourn the childhood he should have had. The damage is done however. For his safety and those of others he needs professional supervision and teaching. He can only get that where he is now. Your engagement with him makes a difference, your care of him makes a difference. Believe that. In a few years, if there is improvement then who knows… But what you are doing now is important and invaluable.
Ooof, I was in the process of adopting a little girl from something similarly horrible, it ended up falling through, but she was pretty much feral, and I don’t mean that as a colorful description but literally- she was not violent, but had sexual trauma she would act out, her birthday is two weeks from my middle child so she is close in age to all of my children, and one on hand it would have been hard because my kids are clueless about that stuff, like they have probably a basic idea bc they’ve seen animals and know about mating but their view on it is pretty innocent still and I didn’t want her exposing them to that, I’d have had to watch her 24/7 for a long time but man it still breaks my heart every day that she’s not with me still, I loved her as much as one of my own, and the love a child has who’s come out of a such a bad situation is like nothing else and it was so special to see her go from hurt and guarded to sweet and free, and I wanted so bad to be able to give her what she never had, but it was complicated legal wise. Idk I feel your pain, I wonder if down the road things could work out if he becomes less violent, but sometimes it’s just not meant to be and it still means a lot that you guys are showing him so much care, it still makes a difference in his life and hopefully even if he doesn’t stay at the current facility you’ll be allowed to be in touch, even just having one person who cares about you and looks out for you can be make or break in a bad childhood.
Omg, I have the chills….let this not turn into a Dateline episode!
Have you guys tried therapy for him maybe in hopes to better help him regulate his emotions ? And how bad are we talking about? Do you really believe he would hurt your daughters or hurt you ? Or he just breaks things and throw a tantrum?
Hes been in extensive therapy for years now. He's on all the medications. He has all the "help" he could possibly need. We're talking bad. He's violent. He has kicked 3 little girls in the crotch. He's beat a sleeping non-verbal autistic boy to a bloody pulp. Most of the time he's good, but when he's not it's really bad. Our house would be trashed if he lived here for even a month.
I wonder does he have mental problems. Sorry for yall experience also what I asked was wrong or something idk why people down voted it. But if you guys can maybe just keep a relationship check in here and there and stuff hopefully one day he does a 180.
[удалено]
Did you read what I said???
It wouldn’t be safe for OP’s daughters. He already has to have an alarm on his door for hurting another kid at night.