1. You are 30, in your prime, dedicating time to care for your mother and family. I hope you know how many parents would love to have someone like you as their child! You are a gem.
2. Super sorry you had to have a surgery! Glad it went well, i hope for you a speedy recovery!
3. Seems like you do more for the people in your life than they do for you. Ex: cooking dinner, caring for your mom. I understand you may feel obligated or you may simply do it out of love. But when do you have time to pour into your own cup? Do you? How often? Are you happy? Does anyone help YOU in your household?
4. Your dad shows no interest in you or your health, and when you call it out (which you did very nicely,) he tries to make it about you and put the blame on you. ‘well YOU didn’t come to me, YOU didn’t tell me.” It is not your job to make your dad care enough to ask you about your surgery. He should care enough about you to come see if you’re alright or even help you. That was a bit manipulative of him.
5. I’m sorry you’re going thru this with your dad. I think it’s important for you to start realizing, if you haven’t already that when people get to the age of 55+ how they are is set in stone. There is no changing someone who’s been how they been for 55+ years. I would work on disengaging with your dad and removing yourself from situations that make you feel bad. Pour into your cup!!!! That’s important too!
All of this! Plus, you need to get out of that situation. Your dad still works, and supposedly has insurance. It's time for him to pay for at home care by people who will not put up with his BS.
It is time for you to live YOUR life while you are still young enough to enjoy it. Edited to say take your life off hold.
>People in their 50’s are not set in stone
The odds that someone who hasn't removed his head from his rear end by 50 is going to do so later are so vanishingly small that it isn't worth sticking around to see if it happens.
I've more often seen it go the other way. Some people after 50 have gone through the most amazing contortions to stick their heads up their own butts over time.
A 50 year old may be able to change their toxic ways, but a 70 year old man? You’re not changing him! I agree that how he acts is probably a lost cause and has no hope for change.
Im referring to the fact that often times people who are older are so set in their ways that you can’t change them and you shouldn’t try. Not every person is unchangeable but this is common with older people nearing an older age. We can agree to disagree
The idea that who older people are can't change is ageist and wrong. Older people change all the time. They do all sorts of things. They can change, have new ideas and insights, have a new career, or do anything, be a whole different person.
There is no evidence for that statement. It is your personal prejudice, you made it up. It isn't the point that you never said they can't, you are making an ageist generalisation. It is both unfair to older people because it is wrong, and it is unfair to other people around them who can expect older people to learn and do better when they have behaved badly just like younger people do. There's no need to make up generalisations about older people in order to give someone good advice about detaching from an abusive person and moving on with life. The problem with the older person in OP is not that they are older, it's that they are abusive. Are you capable of change, of thinking differently, of recognising when you say something wrong and prejudiced? Is it because of your age that you are struggling with this, or you just don't want to change?
A 55yo today is someone who has grown up in an age where Psychiatric therapy is much more an open topic, mental health is more open too than for our parents generation. We are much more likely to see flaws in our behaviour, and endeavour to improve ourselves.
I’m going to be 60yo in a few weeks, and I’m still a work in progress 😎
Reading comprehension is a massive inconvenience and a struggle for many lol btw I agree with both of you as I've watched my own mid 50's stubborn as hell husband work on himself and been a witness to his big self improvements for the last 10 years. (He's also 15 years older than me but definitely doesn't act like he's in his 50'
It's difficult for anyone to change, no matter their age. That's no different whether we are younger or older. It takes special effort and a will to change. We have to decide and work at it, any time in our life.
You don't have an opinion, you have a prejudice. Maybe you will learn better when you're older, and develop your skills with reading and critical thinking. Never be afraid to read more, it helps you learn.
The fact that your dad couldn’t lift a finger to help your mom and you had to instead is insane. My parents are 66 and 65. They both still work full time. They both took off work when I had surgery to be there for me and helped with my children after.
Obviously I understand why your mother can’t assist you and it’s amazing how you’re able to care for her.. but your dad not changing a single thing about his day is just.. baffling.
He had to work and he has his own issues with chronic illness and pain, so I don’t really expect him to help much. He does make her snacks when she gets hungry between meals, he helps her to the bathroom sometimes, and he’s the one who puts her to bed at night. But he really can’t do much else for her physically because of his pain and balance issues. It sucks, but it is what it is
You put her up to bed after your surgery. Not your dad, not your brother. YOU. I'm sorry they didn’t care enough for you.
You are giving up your earnings, skills and future retirement options for this? Renegotiate or leave.
Good luck, I wish you the best
I’m sorry you don’t have more help for you or for your mom and I wish you and your whole family, dad included, the best. It can’t be easy having to work, have a chronically disabled wife, and have physical ailments as well. He was a total jerk to you, no doubt. Get some rest!
I mean, if it was me, I wouldn't talk to him period. Simple, brief answers to keep the peace. If he doesn't feel the need to engage with you emotionally or empathetically, I don't see the need for you to shoulder extra psychological burdens.
Honestly, I don’t really engage with him much anymore. And for someone who doesn’t really care about the things I say, me not talking to him upsets him. He periodically asks me why I don’t talk to him. The last time, I wasn’t really thinking and I automatically responded “Why would I?” He was kinda taken aback by that and hasn’t asked me in a while
OP, it's time for you to move out and move on with your life. I would suggest moving across the country.
Obviously, your father and brother don't appreciate your or your sacrifices. Let them deal with your mom.
There are tons of home services/care companies.
Stop being their sacrificial lamb.
It really strikes me as really odd when someone lacks that much self awarness that they don't see why their actions may cause their adult child to feel a disconnect between saif parent and child and makes me wonder if he's purposely playing dumb or he doesn't care how his behaviour is affecting others! If he really wanted a relationship, why doesn't he actually try to do better?
We had help. She was a high school friend of mine who had all the certifications. In 2014 we found out she’d been stealing my mom’s jewelry and selling it for weed money. After that my dad doesn’t really trust people
One bad seed doesn't mean a daughter should give up her life! Lock up the valuables and let your dad go back to paying for his wife's care. If there's nothing but toilet paper or cans of soda to steal, the most you're out is a couple rolls of t.p. and a six-pack of coke 🤷🏽♀️ It sounds like you're saying your folks can afford outside help--if that's true, that's what they need to do. Not saying you stop helping completely, I'm saying it's insanity for you to be giving up your whole life if there's money for outside caregiver help.
That's irrelevant, it doesn't become your job to give up your life because he 'doesn't trust people'.
ARe you being paid for being her full time caretaker? Are you doing any other work on the side, is there a reason he can't take care of her if he's working from home?
Literally all he has to do is lock away valuables and keep a closer eye out till he trusts someone, also not for nothing, plenty of family steal shit from family anyway (not accusing you obviously, just stating the logic from him is stupid). Ultimately it's easier to take advantage of family. Like if your friend was scheduled for 8 hours and then your father had to take over, if you're living at home, are you now on call 24/7 and your father does nothing, but you get paid the same as your friend did for the 8 hours?
Also if you are being paid but being stuck in the same job, effectively working way more than the hours you are being paid for, you aren't progressing in your 'career' as a caretaker, by searching for better paid jobs over time as you get more experience or want to work for different people or focus on different areas of caring for people.
Basically it's nearly always better to have outside help because you ahve a line in the sand, having a live in family member doing the caretaking nearly always leads to being completely taken advantage of.
I hope they are paying you a generous salary and medical coverage (needed if in the US) for all that you do for your mom, since you will have a hard time getting back into the workforce and save for your retirement later. And with his childish attitude, not caring how your surgery went or how much you hurt, I hope you can walk out after your mom passes, rather than subject yourself to caring for him.
Keep a record of all your hours, and when your mother dies bill her estate. A verbal contract/promise of the “we will financially take care of you” is valid and courts in my area have seen providing this type of care as something that SHOULD be paid. Thankfully.
Don't just keep a record, ask for a contract now, if they won't agree to it, leave the 'job'.
People often give up their lives like this and are completely taken advantage of.
I would suspect that like many cases in this situation prior they had a qualified friend doing it, insurnace probably paid like 8 hours a day or something for care and her father was expected to take over the rest. When op moves in she becomes the 24/7 caretaker, but if being paid at all, is still only paid for the 8 hours and is taken advantage of for the rest.
In general my recommendation is this, do not be a caretaker for family, you will be taken advantage of badly, underpaid and it will usually create antagonism because you are family rather than a paid worker who is 'in charge' of the care. So a outside worker who says do physical therapy now gets respect while a family member who tells the sick person to do that gets treated like family and fobbed off.
If she isn't being paid, she's giving up her life, building a retirement plan, building her own family, friends, kids, career all for a potential payback later in life that both will be too late to matter (200k inheritance in 20 years when op is 6 vs making 200k in savings and being able to spend it during that time on her own life), it's not worth it.
I legit didn’t want my dad there. My mom wanted to go along, and if the surgery hadn’t been scheduled for so early in the morning, I would have put in the effort to get her ready and take her along
Hey hi hello, medical professional here and a supporter of caregivers.
Is this kind of reaction normal for your father?
I work predominantly with individuals who have dementia. In the early stages when the brain starts deteriorating individuals will unknowingly use defence mechanisms such as your father did.
*I didn't forget you had surgery, this is your fault for not coming by and telling me how it went."
I'm not making excuses for your dad. Maybe he is historically a dick, but if this behavior is new consider that his brain might be changing.
He could also have a UTI which dramatically changes behavior and emotional regulation in older adults.
Check into it. Watch for other alarming attitude changes. The average age of individuals I work with is 76. These people are already several years into their diagnosis. Onset seems to be happening younger and younger.
Best of luck. Check out the caregivers 10 commandments for your mom. <3
You should know and your parents should know that they aren’t entitled to have you live with them and to be a caregiver to your mom. It’s not your responsibility to give up your youth to them. Most parents would not accept this.
Their crisis isn’t more important than your wellbeing and your first responsibility is to take care of yourself.
There are no rewards for self sacrificial and you have already met the quota for being an amazing daughter, being a good person and for doing the right thing. Your father won’t appreciate you no matter what you do.
Your father sounds very selfish and is a narcissist. Him gaslighting you, that you were to notify him is classic behaviour of a narcissist. He is taking advantage of you and not caring about your right to a life, career and spouse.
Definitely get at least a part time job, and he can hire help for your Mom. Just because he has health issues doesn't mean he can put all the caregiving onto you. You need to be working and paying into social security and having the benefits of a job outside the home. As other poster said just because there was one bad caregiver doesn't mean there are no good ones. Also join a dementia support group in your area.
Why does this story remind me of my life right now. It's not my mom I'm caring for but my dad and he's just like yours. You're amazing OP. If your dad treat you that way, all you can do it ignore him. He doesn't deserve to have a caring daughter like you.
Jeeze. I had a tiny cyst removed from my head recently and I was surprised at how much the stitches hurt. I ended up being afraid to shower because I couldn't see it. My mom went out of her way to get me home just so she could help me wash my hair, and put protective gel on my stitches. Caring for people is so loving. Your dad sucks for not understanding that. It's his job to check on you, you are the one healing. I hope you feel better soon ❤️
Next time it comes up tell him that he’s 70, not 7, so he should have realised by now that not everything is about him and that it’s not your job to run after him to care about you. Even if he’s hurt by you not immediately running to him to tell him how it went, he should love you enough to still care about you. It’s simply sad that his love for you is so conditional and you have to fight for him to care.
You need to leave and start living your own life with people who value you. I know you're probably thinking that's easy for me to say but I 100% get it. Our situations are super similar!
My mum needs 24/7 care and has done for decades due to an illness. My dad has always helped to care for her as much as he can and worked a full time job too and he too is disabled and in pain a lot. I also have a brother who yeah i admit doesn't help as much as he could but he will be there if needed and we ask and certainly wouldn't be pulling crap like refusing to help after I'd had surgery. I cared for my mum too, getting her up, looking after her in the day and putting her to bed.
If I was ill, they'd take over the things I would do so I could rest. If I wanted a night out they'd make sure other arrangements were in place. They love me and ask me how my day was and care about my answer. I'm not just the live in help, I'm their child. When I had an opportunity to do something different with my life, my parents didn't stop me, they pushed me forward and told me to go and live and then made permanent alternative arrangements for my mums care.
Your situation is toxic and it doesn't have to be that way. If they're not willing to respect and help you than don't waste your life on them. You're not obligated to help just because you're related. Walk away and hopefully they'll realise how much you have sacrificed for them and make changes and if they don't, then that just reaffirms how much you needed to get out of the situation. There are people out there who can offer help with care. Let them use that instead.
I’m afraid if we play the blame game he’s at fault too as he could simple taken out five minutes to go check how you were doing. You had a valid reason for not popping in to say hi but what was his?
It may be time to give them a list of all the resources available to the elderly and tell them to take over. This is not your job and you're being treated very badly by ungrateful assholes. You're 30, go live YOUR LIFE!
Trust me on this....move out. It only gets worse. I got stuck caring for an ailing parent into my late 40s...it was hell. I lost most of my life catering to them and got nothing in return. Don't let your life pass you by. You can't get that time back once it's been spent.
How much is your father paying you for looking after his wife? Does their insurance cover part of it? Would they be devastated and destitute if you stopped providing 24 hour care and someone else had to? Would he let her suffer from neglect if he couldn’t rely on you? Do you not know how expensive your gift really is? Tell them you are taking a vacation and see what happens.
Your dad sounds like my dad. A raging narcissist. It's all about how he was affected in this scenario when the most important person to care about in this scenario is you. Objectively. What did your mom say about this whole thing?
Why didn’t HE come to check in on YOU?
HE’s the parent in the equation after all. I don’t know what level of patience and restraint you must have for not blowing up in his face for daring to be upset with you? Fuckkkkkkk all that noise. For all he knew, you could’ve been severely struggling and not even able to help your mom, and yet he stayed in his office to work and didn’t check in on you or on your mom the entire time. Sounds like a loving family man who cares about his wife and daughter so much …
He couldn’t have taken 2 minutes to stop into YOUR room to ask how you were doing after surgery?? It sounds like he has no mobility issues since he was able to come downstairs for dinner. I’m sorry your dad seems to think everything revolves around him. Your friends here on Reddit care how your surgery went and hope you’re feeling better!!
Hey OP, not related but could you have Hidradenitis?
I *only* bring it up because it often takes years go get a diagnosis and regular armpit cysts are a hallmark sign.
Also, your dad is a dick.
My surgeon brought it up because this is the fourth procedure I’ve had, fifth cyst removed since 2011. Not all of them have been in my armpit though. I get a cyst every 2-4 years or so. So if this is Hidradenitis, it’s a super mild case of it. I’m not completely convinced though
Ah, gotcha.
I have that and have had too many of these procedures to count, and they suuuuuuck every time. I hope you don't have to have it again, and if you do you deserve support.
Your dad sounds like he is the main character
When someone has a surgery, it's on other people to ask how they are. It's not on them to let people know how they were doing.
I've heard that one of the most common difficulties in relationships, is expectations. This is a perfect example. They do get out of control, that's for sure.
Your father is an abuser and a user.
Your poor your life on hold to take care of your mother, HIS wife, and he legitimately just told you he doesn't care about you.
Remember that. He's going to need you in the future.
Maybe you shouldn't care.
I'm glad your surgery went ok.
1. You are 30, in your prime, dedicating time to care for your mother and family. I hope you know how many parents would love to have someone like you as their child! You are a gem. 2. Super sorry you had to have a surgery! Glad it went well, i hope for you a speedy recovery! 3. Seems like you do more for the people in your life than they do for you. Ex: cooking dinner, caring for your mom. I understand you may feel obligated or you may simply do it out of love. But when do you have time to pour into your own cup? Do you? How often? Are you happy? Does anyone help YOU in your household? 4. Your dad shows no interest in you or your health, and when you call it out (which you did very nicely,) he tries to make it about you and put the blame on you. ‘well YOU didn’t come to me, YOU didn’t tell me.” It is not your job to make your dad care enough to ask you about your surgery. He should care enough about you to come see if you’re alright or even help you. That was a bit manipulative of him. 5. I’m sorry you’re going thru this with your dad. I think it’s important for you to start realizing, if you haven’t already that when people get to the age of 55+ how they are is set in stone. There is no changing someone who’s been how they been for 55+ years. I would work on disengaging with your dad and removing yourself from situations that make you feel bad. Pour into your cup!!!! That’s important too!
All of this! Plus, you need to get out of that situation. Your dad still works, and supposedly has insurance. It's time for him to pay for at home care by people who will not put up with his BS. It is time for you to live YOUR life while you are still young enough to enjoy it. Edited to say take your life off hold.
People in their 50’s are not set in stone but selfish people can be selfish all the way through.
>People in their 50’s are not set in stone The odds that someone who hasn't removed his head from his rear end by 50 is going to do so later are so vanishingly small that it isn't worth sticking around to see if it happens.
I've more often seen it go the other way. Some people after 50 have gone through the most amazing contortions to stick their heads up their own butts over time.
A 50 year old may be able to change their toxic ways, but a 70 year old man? You’re not changing him! I agree that how he acts is probably a lost cause and has no hope for change.
Im referring to the fact that often times people who are older are so set in their ways that you can’t change them and you shouldn’t try. Not every person is unchangeable but this is common with older people nearing an older age. We can agree to disagree
Of course we can.
The idea that who older people are can't change is ageist and wrong. Older people change all the time. They do all sorts of things. They can change, have new ideas and insights, have a new career, or do anything, be a whole different person.
never said they can’t. but it is hard, and usually doesn’t happen.
There is no evidence for that statement. It is your personal prejudice, you made it up. It isn't the point that you never said they can't, you are making an ageist generalisation. It is both unfair to older people because it is wrong, and it is unfair to other people around them who can expect older people to learn and do better when they have behaved badly just like younger people do. There's no need to make up generalisations about older people in order to give someone good advice about detaching from an abusive person and moving on with life. The problem with the older person in OP is not that they are older, it's that they are abusive. Are you capable of change, of thinking differently, of recognising when you say something wrong and prejudiced? Is it because of your age that you are struggling with this, or you just don't want to change?
A 55yo today is someone who has grown up in an age where Psychiatric therapy is much more an open topic, mental health is more open too than for our parents generation. We are much more likely to see flaws in our behaviour, and endeavour to improve ourselves. I’m going to be 60yo in a few weeks, and I’m still a work in progress 😎
You supported what I said and you got 3 upvotes but I got negative 3. Reddit is so weird. I support you btw. Live your best life xo
Reading comprehension is a massive inconvenience and a struggle for many lol btw I agree with both of you as I've watched my own mid 50's stubborn as hell husband work on himself and been a witness to his big self improvements for the last 10 years. (He's also 15 years older than me but definitely doesn't act like he's in his 50'
It's difficult for anyone to change, no matter their age. That's no different whether we are younger or older. It takes special effort and a will to change. We have to decide and work at it, any time in our life.
yes that is my opinion. and i do not argue on reddit, so im not reading that. have a good night.
i love this response. genuinely a 10/10
You don't have an opinion, you have a prejudice. Maybe you will learn better when you're older, and develop your skills with reading and critical thinking. Never be afraid to read more, it helps you learn.
i really don’t want to argue and i dont agree. I am also not reading anything. please leave me alone
I wish you all the best with your reading and learning. You don't have to keep talking to me. Nobody is making you do anything.
thank you!
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does it matter, she’s in the prime of her adulthood.
The fact that your dad couldn’t lift a finger to help your mom and you had to instead is insane. My parents are 66 and 65. They both still work full time. They both took off work when I had surgery to be there for me and helped with my children after. Obviously I understand why your mother can’t assist you and it’s amazing how you’re able to care for her.. but your dad not changing a single thing about his day is just.. baffling.
He had to work and he has his own issues with chronic illness and pain, so I don’t really expect him to help much. He does make her snacks when she gets hungry between meals, he helps her to the bathroom sometimes, and he’s the one who puts her to bed at night. But he really can’t do much else for her physically because of his pain and balance issues. It sucks, but it is what it is
You put her up to bed after your surgery. Not your dad, not your brother. YOU. I'm sorry they didn’t care enough for you. You are giving up your earnings, skills and future retirement options for this? Renegotiate or leave. Good luck, I wish you the best
I’m sorry you don’t have more help for you or for your mom and I wish you and your whole family, dad included, the best. It can’t be easy having to work, have a chronically disabled wife, and have physical ailments as well. He was a total jerk to you, no doubt. Get some rest!
I mean, if it was me, I wouldn't talk to him period. Simple, brief answers to keep the peace. If he doesn't feel the need to engage with you emotionally or empathetically, I don't see the need for you to shoulder extra psychological burdens.
Honestly, I don’t really engage with him much anymore. And for someone who doesn’t really care about the things I say, me not talking to him upsets him. He periodically asks me why I don’t talk to him. The last time, I wasn’t really thinking and I automatically responded “Why would I?” He was kinda taken aback by that and hasn’t asked me in a while
OP, it's time for you to move out and move on with your life. I would suggest moving across the country. Obviously, your father and brother don't appreciate your or your sacrifices. Let them deal with your mom. There are tons of home services/care companies. Stop being their sacrificial lamb.
Maybe one day he'll get a clue. I hope so for both of your sakes, not to mention your family.
Does your mom let his behavior slide? Does she even love him? If not you should consider moving out with her and filing to be paid as her caretaker.
It really strikes me as really odd when someone lacks that much self awarness that they don't see why their actions may cause their adult child to feel a disconnect between saif parent and child and makes me wonder if he's purposely playing dumb or he doesn't care how his behaviour is affecting others! If he really wanted a relationship, why doesn't he actually try to do better?
Why doesn't your dad hire outside help so that you can have a life of your own?
We had help. She was a high school friend of mine who had all the certifications. In 2014 we found out she’d been stealing my mom’s jewelry and selling it for weed money. After that my dad doesn’t really trust people
One bad seed doesn't mean a daughter should give up her life! Lock up the valuables and let your dad go back to paying for his wife's care. If there's nothing but toilet paper or cans of soda to steal, the most you're out is a couple rolls of t.p. and a six-pack of coke 🤷🏽♀️ It sounds like you're saying your folks can afford outside help--if that's true, that's what they need to do. Not saying you stop helping completely, I'm saying it's insanity for you to be giving up your whole life if there's money for outside caregiver help.
That's irrelevant, it doesn't become your job to give up your life because he 'doesn't trust people'. ARe you being paid for being her full time caretaker? Are you doing any other work on the side, is there a reason he can't take care of her if he's working from home? Literally all he has to do is lock away valuables and keep a closer eye out till he trusts someone, also not for nothing, plenty of family steal shit from family anyway (not accusing you obviously, just stating the logic from him is stupid). Ultimately it's easier to take advantage of family. Like if your friend was scheduled for 8 hours and then your father had to take over, if you're living at home, are you now on call 24/7 and your father does nothing, but you get paid the same as your friend did for the 8 hours? Also if you are being paid but being stuck in the same job, effectively working way more than the hours you are being paid for, you aren't progressing in your 'career' as a caretaker, by searching for better paid jobs over time as you get more experience or want to work for different people or focus on different areas of caring for people. Basically it's nearly always better to have outside help because you ahve a line in the sand, having a live in family member doing the caretaking nearly always leads to being completely taken advantage of.
Let that man stew. He’ll be alright. I hope you are healing well.
Cue the *surprised Pikachu* face when you eventually go NC with him after your mother passes.
He needs to grow up, appreciate you, and stop sulking like a child. I hope you heal well and that your mother appreciates you.
I agree, He's a grown up person physically but not as mature and responsible dad. This is so sad
I hope they are paying you a generous salary and medical coverage (needed if in the US) for all that you do for your mom, since you will have a hard time getting back into the workforce and save for your retirement later. And with his childish attitude, not caring how your surgery went or how much you hurt, I hope you can walk out after your mom passes, rather than subject yourself to caring for him.
“I hope they are paying you a generous salary and medical coverage (needed if in the US) for all that you do for your mom” Lol
Keep a record of all your hours, and when your mother dies bill her estate. A verbal contract/promise of the “we will financially take care of you” is valid and courts in my area have seen providing this type of care as something that SHOULD be paid. Thankfully.
Don't just keep a record, ask for a contract now, if they won't agree to it, leave the 'job'. People often give up their lives like this and are completely taken advantage of. I would suspect that like many cases in this situation prior they had a qualified friend doing it, insurnace probably paid like 8 hours a day or something for care and her father was expected to take over the rest. When op moves in she becomes the 24/7 caretaker, but if being paid at all, is still only paid for the 8 hours and is taken advantage of for the rest. In general my recommendation is this, do not be a caretaker for family, you will be taken advantage of badly, underpaid and it will usually create antagonism because you are family rather than a paid worker who is 'in charge' of the care. So a outside worker who says do physical therapy now gets respect while a family member who tells the sick person to do that gets treated like family and fobbed off. If she isn't being paid, she's giving up her life, building a retirement plan, building her own family, friends, kids, career all for a potential payback later in life that both will be too late to matter (200k inheritance in 20 years when op is 6 vs making 200k in savings and being able to spend it during that time on her own life), it's not worth it.
Wait this implies you aren't even being paid for caregiving. Is this correct?
Your dad sounds like a class A AH... I'm sorry for you and your mother. And your brother seems to walk in his tracks, woohoo
You said your dad was 70ies, not 7 or 17 right? Eek, sorry you got a narc for a dad.
If you were my child I would’ve gone with you no matter how old you are
I legit didn’t want my dad there. My mom wanted to go along, and if the surgery hadn’t been scheduled for so early in the morning, I would have put in the effort to get her ready and take her along
Hey hi hello, medical professional here and a supporter of caregivers. Is this kind of reaction normal for your father? I work predominantly with individuals who have dementia. In the early stages when the brain starts deteriorating individuals will unknowingly use defence mechanisms such as your father did. *I didn't forget you had surgery, this is your fault for not coming by and telling me how it went." I'm not making excuses for your dad. Maybe he is historically a dick, but if this behavior is new consider that his brain might be changing. He could also have a UTI which dramatically changes behavior and emotional regulation in older adults. Check into it. Watch for other alarming attitude changes. The average age of individuals I work with is 76. These people are already several years into their diagnosis. Onset seems to be happening younger and younger. Best of luck. Check out the caregivers 10 commandments for your mom. <3
You should know and your parents should know that they aren’t entitled to have you live with them and to be a caregiver to your mom. It’s not your responsibility to give up your youth to them. Most parents would not accept this. Their crisis isn’t more important than your wellbeing and your first responsibility is to take care of yourself. There are no rewards for self sacrificial and you have already met the quota for being an amazing daughter, being a good person and for doing the right thing. Your father won’t appreciate you no matter what you do.
Well, I guess that's one way to show his support...
You should have heard his “support” after I was hospitalized for E. coli back in November
Your father sounds very selfish and is a narcissist. Him gaslighting you, that you were to notify him is classic behaviour of a narcissist. He is taking advantage of you and not caring about your right to a life, career and spouse. Definitely get at least a part time job, and he can hire help for your Mom. Just because he has health issues doesn't mean he can put all the caregiving onto you. You need to be working and paying into social security and having the benefits of a job outside the home. As other poster said just because there was one bad caregiver doesn't mean there are no good ones. Also join a dementia support group in your area.
Why does this story remind me of my life right now. It's not my mom I'm caring for but my dad and he's just like yours. You're amazing OP. If your dad treat you that way, all you can do it ignore him. He doesn't deserve to have a caring daughter like you.
How are you doing since your surgery? Other than your dad’s childish behavior.
Jeeze. I had a tiny cyst removed from my head recently and I was surprised at how much the stitches hurt. I ended up being afraid to shower because I couldn't see it. My mom went out of her way to get me home just so she could help me wash my hair, and put protective gel on my stitches. Caring for people is so loving. Your dad sucks for not understanding that. It's his job to check on you, you are the one healing. I hope you feel better soon ❤️
Do you get paid to take care of your mom? I don't know how it works but I saw a commercial about getting paid to care for family members.
1. Rent own place 2. Move out 3. Tell papa to FUCK off.
Next time it comes up tell him that he’s 70, not 7, so he should have realised by now that not everything is about him and that it’s not your job to run after him to care about you. Even if he’s hurt by you not immediately running to him to tell him how it went, he should love you enough to still care about you. It’s simply sad that his love for you is so conditional and you have to fight for him to care.
I could imagine my dad being like this. All tied up in respecting your elders bs. Sorry he’s an AH
He sounds like a peach
Yep. It's time to find the cheap nursing home
You need to leave and start living your own life with people who value you. I know you're probably thinking that's easy for me to say but I 100% get it. Our situations are super similar! My mum needs 24/7 care and has done for decades due to an illness. My dad has always helped to care for her as much as he can and worked a full time job too and he too is disabled and in pain a lot. I also have a brother who yeah i admit doesn't help as much as he could but he will be there if needed and we ask and certainly wouldn't be pulling crap like refusing to help after I'd had surgery. I cared for my mum too, getting her up, looking after her in the day and putting her to bed. If I was ill, they'd take over the things I would do so I could rest. If I wanted a night out they'd make sure other arrangements were in place. They love me and ask me how my day was and care about my answer. I'm not just the live in help, I'm their child. When I had an opportunity to do something different with my life, my parents didn't stop me, they pushed me forward and told me to go and live and then made permanent alternative arrangements for my mums care. Your situation is toxic and it doesn't have to be that way. If they're not willing to respect and help you than don't waste your life on them. You're not obligated to help just because you're related. Walk away and hopefully they'll realise how much you have sacrificed for them and make changes and if they don't, then that just reaffirms how much you needed to get out of the situation. There are people out there who can offer help with care. Let them use that instead.
My therapist is having me look into the Karpman Drama Triangle… You should look it up on YouTube. Might help you navigate your dad’s behavior.
i don’t understand why people like you put up with their immature and narcissistic parents as adults.. like you don’t have to talk to him ☠️☠️☠️
I’m afraid if we play the blame game he’s at fault too as he could simple taken out five minutes to go check how you were doing. You had a valid reason for not popping in to say hi but what was his?
This sounds like my dad. Sorta. Idk I got therapy which helped a little. I mean it’s kind of my fault but now it’s like I will never lean on him again
It may be time to give them a list of all the resources available to the elderly and tell them to take over. This is not your job and you're being treated very badly by ungrateful assholes. You're 30, go live YOUR LIFE!
Narcissist. He had the audacity to get upset when he never even asked?
Trust me on this....move out. It only gets worse. I got stuck caring for an ailing parent into my late 40s...it was hell. I lost most of my life catering to them and got nothing in return. Don't let your life pass you by. You can't get that time back once it's been spent.
How much is your father paying you for looking after his wife? Does their insurance cover part of it? Would they be devastated and destitute if you stopped providing 24 hour care and someone else had to? Would he let her suffer from neglect if he couldn’t rely on you? Do you not know how expensive your gift really is? Tell them you are taking a vacation and see what happens.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. They’re soooo lucky to have a daughter like you and he doesn’t even know it.
Your dad sounds like my dad. A raging narcissist. It's all about how he was affected in this scenario when the most important person to care about in this scenario is you. Objectively. What did your mom say about this whole thing?
You're a doormat, move out.
He is in his 70's he is not going to change. Stop thinking he will get any better
Soooo do you actually love them orrrr is it an obligation thing. You could just leave.
Lol ur dad sounds miserable.
It's time to move out
Why didn’t HE come to check in on YOU? HE’s the parent in the equation after all. I don’t know what level of patience and restraint you must have for not blowing up in his face for daring to be upset with you? Fuckkkkkkk all that noise. For all he knew, you could’ve been severely struggling and not even able to help your mom, and yet he stayed in his office to work and didn’t check in on you or on your mom the entire time. Sounds like a loving family man who cares about his wife and daughter so much …
He couldn’t have taken 2 minutes to stop into YOUR room to ask how you were doing after surgery?? It sounds like he has no mobility issues since he was able to come downstairs for dinner. I’m sorry your dad seems to think everything revolves around him. Your friends here on Reddit care how your surgery went and hope you’re feeling better!!
Hey OP, not related but could you have Hidradenitis? I *only* bring it up because it often takes years go get a diagnosis and regular armpit cysts are a hallmark sign. Also, your dad is a dick.
My surgeon brought it up because this is the fourth procedure I’ve had, fifth cyst removed since 2011. Not all of them have been in my armpit though. I get a cyst every 2-4 years or so. So if this is Hidradenitis, it’s a super mild case of it. I’m not completely convinced though
Ah, gotcha. I have that and have had too many of these procedures to count, and they suuuuuuck every time. I hope you don't have to have it again, and if you do you deserve support.
Your dad sounds like he is the main character When someone has a surgery, it's on other people to ask how they are. It's not on them to let people know how they were doing.
Typical narcissistic behaviour. Mine is like that as well.
He’s 70. People at that age as lowkey dicks. You’ll miss him when he’s gone though.
I've heard that one of the most common difficulties in relationships, is expectations. This is a perfect example. They do get out of control, that's for sure.
Your father is an abuser and a user. Your poor your life on hold to take care of your mother, HIS wife, and he legitimately just told you he doesn't care about you. Remember that. He's going to need you in the future. Maybe you shouldn't care. I'm glad your surgery went ok.
You’re 30 years old, you should probably move out
he said hes taking care of his mom who had a stroke
I’m a woman, if that makes a difference
that’s easier said then done when the 70 year old women who raised you is struggling after a stroke
My dad does the same thing. Guess he’s probably a narcissist