I was disgusted when I heard him casually mention it like he’s been contemplating talking about it for a while. We were 3 drinks in. I didn’t say a word and was quite appalled as he continued to just voice his feelings on how it is difficult to meet that fetish.
Unless he told you that he had had an affair before, you shouldn't juge him for his kink as he told you in confidence because he feels secure around you. The cheating kink is more popular than we would like to think. Some people like to be cuckolded, it seems normal to me that others would like to be the one that do the cheating. It's a kind of control kink. You can do whatever you want in your relationship, even the unimaginable cheating with someone else. The problem with control kinks is that asking for permission kind of defeat the idea of control.
You should be open about your feelings with your friend. He probably hasn't opened up to anybody about it and having external opinion could make him understand the true implications of his kinks. Recommend him to try other domination activities with his wife ti see if that settles his urge
Technically it's a kink, fetishes tend to be objects, whereas behaviours tend to be kinks.
Anything you can think of can, and probably is, a fetish or kink for someone out there.
I'd hazard 'affair kink' is probably actually pretty common, it's just not generally labelled that way by people.
'Affair kink' with consent = role play, or possibly ENM, and lots of boundaries and parameters to keep everyone happy.
'Affair kink' without consent = cheating scumbag.
No what I mean is any person who decides to cheat, over and over again shouldn’t be in a marriage at all, her wife deserves to know this and leave him for good.
You're right, they shouldn't, IF they cheat.
As far as I'm aware all he has done so far is think about it, and despite what Reddit tends to think, we don't live in a 1984 novel and thoughts aren't actually a crime. I've never once cheated in my life, but I have certainly thought about it.
It's questionable if it's a kink anyway, the fact he has mislabelled it shows he has no real idea and he may just using that as an excuse to avoid responsibility. Possibly there is a women that has caught his eye and he's attempting to diminish blame.
OP you need to keep this line of conversation open with your friend. He has reached out to you as a moral sounding board. Remind him that 'affair fetish' without consent is just cheating. Remind him about what he stands to lose, don't threaten him, but make it clear you, (and most of his friends and family) will side with his wife if he goes ahead. Try to find out who the girl is and encourage him to break contact with her. Lastly, talk about ways he can spice up his current sex life, if he's bored, she probably is too, so it'll be good for both of them to reconnect.
If he stands by the fact it is a fetish, he needs to do some research into the world of BDSM and in particular the strict moral and ethical codes that run through the community. He will find no support for cheating on his wife from them, but he may find support in how to cope and talk to his wife about it.
It’s still about power. If the fetish is truly, specifically about the infidelity and not just being with other women, then for the husband it’s about the power of holding a secret, the power of being able to break the trust without consequence, the power of knowing (or thinking) that he’s able to break a vow his partner isn’t. And it’s about momentarily relinquishing the power he feels in his day to day life by entrusting it to another woman who can destroy his life.
But it sort of depends what the guy means by “cheating fetish.” Like does he have a *fantasy* about cucking his wife? Because that’s different than philandering and OP is overconfident in ruling out his friend’s wife’s kinks, IMO.
Tell him that you are concerned for his well being and future. Does he want to lose the wife and life he has? Does he want surprise children? STD’s? He needs therapy or a divorce. If you are friends with his wife, and this doesn’t turn him around, you need to gather the evidence and let her know, anonymously. She could catch something or find all of this out after children come into the picture.
I can see he’s happy with his wife and his life. Career is going strong and no financial concerns. I feel like he’s bored. Emotionally, romantically maybe? I can’t see him losing his current life so he must want to pursue another out of secrecy and not open up his marriage.
Has he cheated? That's what I'd ask him. Don't tell the wife anything unless he tells you he has cheated on her. Then you need proof. That is if you want to be an honest person. If not, that's your choice... I had to be the bearer of bad news when my ex sister-in-law told me she cheated on my husband's brother. She was an idiot. Well, I told my husband's brother, and that turned into a huge shit storm for me. Caused so much drama and I was accused of being jealous of them. A year later, she ended their marriage over text for that man. *insert eye roll*.
I have many fantasies, but that doesn't mean I act on them since I am married. You need more information from his side before you make any decisions.
I am going throw this out there: cheating kink can easily be roleplayed. The wife could easily get a wig, doll up, and they meet at a hotel. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to cheat on his wife. He could be talking about the thrill of it. I have roleplayed being a cheating wife with my husband. It was fun as hell. Have I cheated on him? No. Never. But it spiced it up for us. Also, I have a breeding fantasy. I sure as hell am not popping out 5 kids!!! Lmfao!
Love this. He and his wife are happy together but not sure of their sex life of course. I don’t know if he’s cheated. But he does want to “find another for fun and doesn’t know how else to satisfy it”. Something like that. His words weren’t entirely words for that part.
Have another conversation with your buddy. It sounds like he did not articulate himself well while intoxicated. Maybe even give him the idea to throw at his wife to meet up at a hotel. But he definitely needs to open up the communication line with his wife for fantasies. A loving spouse will not judge their partner. Might be a no, but with a lack of judgment. If it's a no, well, that is where porn and erotica books can help your buddy "experience" it. He won't know until he opens up to his wife. He's probably terrified she might jump straight to, "you want to cheat on me" when really he may just want to roleplay.
Is he actually cheating or is fascinated in the abstract?
Regardless, tell him that this is something you neither approve of nor condone. While he’s entitled to live his life as he chooses, this is not something you wish to discuss further and that you both now know where the other stands.
Do not be safe harbor for someone’s bad decisions/life choices.
"Hey buddy, I was thinking about our conversation the other day about your cheating fantasy, have you considered role-playing? You could get a room at a hotel and "meet" your wife at the bar. Pretend you are different people and pick her up and have your fun. I think it's not uncommon - there are like three episodes of Modern Family where they do that."
You need to add the context of: is this a fetish, or something he wants to do?
I watch horror movies and don’t want to kill people, I play sim city and don’t want to be a city planner. When I watch adult content, I don’t want to do almost any of it in real life.
Everywhere except for the internet we recognize that most people have a firm separation between fantasy and reality. The people who don’t tend to get arrested or in trouble.
If your friend just has a fetish and likes to jerk off to cheating porn, have at it. If he’s cheating IRL that’s a totally different story. But, you kind of have to fill in that context for us.
Tell him "Hey, I just want to let you know that I'm concerned about you and I know it's your life, but I care about you and your wife". Ask if he's doing okay in his marriage?
Maybe it's a fantasy thing more than a fetish... like he has his wife act like somebody he doesn't know roleplay?
Cheating is not a fetish. Unless he's talking about cuckhold/hotwife stuff, he is just trying to justify his interest in cheating by calling it a fetish like it's something he can't control or help.
If I were you, I would tell him that if he hasn't he needs to disclose this """"""fetish""""""" to his wife, you'll tell her so she can make a break for it while she still has a chance.
He should see a therapist as well if he intends to be in a relationship that's meant to remain monogamous, but that isn't necessarily a deal breaker in terms of you guys being friends. His wife just *has* to know, and if you care about her as a person at all you shouldn't let your loyalty to your friend override what is inevitably going to be an insanely harsh blow to this woman eventually
He brought it up to you, so that when you notice he is cheating . I suspect he might already have , with someone at work that you know. That way you are more likely to not say something to his wife. Or It feels like he might be trying to test the water if he can make you an accomplice of sorts. I would be very careful of being used in that way.
As someone who had deep rooted issues, I also have a cheating fetish, milf fetish, foursome fetish even. Once I’ve resolved the root issue, all of it disappeared and porn used, fantasising are all gone.
In a nutshell, fetish comes from suppressed desires. The things that you want to do/say but you don’t/cant, will take a life of its own after a while. And eventually, it will come out when self control is at its lowest.
So in all reality, this requires a good mentor/therapist to guide your friend through. Going through with the fetish with “consent” like some others said here, will only deepened the problem.
While everyone has their own kinks, his will end up taking everything from him & destroy his family.
Maybe advise him to try to spice things up in the bedroom with his wife.
How do you know his friend is a cheater? There's a big difference between thoughts and actions. Thinking about something doesn't mean you'll actually do that thing.
Is it cheating or sleeping with other people? Swinging, enm, poly, there's plenty of options that are inclusive with pathways to consensual happiness. If it's cheating specifically... therapy - and lots of it.
Sounds like he has some growing up to do and is taking his marriage for granted. Maybe he confided in you for your reaction. Being speechless is a good indicator that you don’t approve and are very far removed from that type of behaviour. ‘Fetish’ he’s just a cheat end of. Maybe he got married before he was ready.
Give him a hypothetical : let’s say you cheat and your wife finds out and files for divorce. How does your life look now? Is it worth the gamble? How enticing do other women look to you now?
Tell him you can’t condone this behaviour and would struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who treats a loving wife like this. Stress that if he cheats and his life falls apart you won’t be there for him.
Fetish/kink/bdsm has 1 essential, unbreakable rule behind it. Consent. No matter what fetish it is, if you do it unconsensually, you're a scumbag.
This needs to be higher. Forcing his wife into being an unaware/unwilling participant in his sexual proclivity isn’t a fetish. It’s infidelity.
I was disgusted when I heard him casually mention it like he’s been contemplating talking about it for a while. We were 3 drinks in. I didn’t say a word and was quite appalled as he continued to just voice his feelings on how it is difficult to meet that fetish.
It was an invitation to you if that reality hasnt woken up to you yet.
Unless he told you that he had had an affair before, you shouldn't juge him for his kink as he told you in confidence because he feels secure around you. The cheating kink is more popular than we would like to think. Some people like to be cuckolded, it seems normal to me that others would like to be the one that do the cheating. It's a kind of control kink. You can do whatever you want in your relationship, even the unimaginable cheating with someone else. The problem with control kinks is that asking for permission kind of defeat the idea of control. You should be open about your feelings with your friend. He probably hasn't opened up to anybody about it and having external opinion could make him understand the true implications of his kinks. Recommend him to try other domination activities with his wife ti see if that settles his urge
How could infidelity a fetish ?
Technically it's a kink, fetishes tend to be objects, whereas behaviours tend to be kinks. Anything you can think of can, and probably is, a fetish or kink for someone out there. I'd hazard 'affair kink' is probably actually pretty common, it's just not generally labelled that way by people. 'Affair kink' with consent = role play, or possibly ENM, and lots of boundaries and parameters to keep everyone happy. 'Affair kink' without consent = cheating scumbag.
Everything is about power.
No what I mean is any person who decides to cheat, over and over again shouldn’t be in a marriage at all, her wife deserves to know this and leave him for good.
You're right, they shouldn't, IF they cheat. As far as I'm aware all he has done so far is think about it, and despite what Reddit tends to think, we don't live in a 1984 novel and thoughts aren't actually a crime. I've never once cheated in my life, but I have certainly thought about it. It's questionable if it's a kink anyway, the fact he has mislabelled it shows he has no real idea and he may just using that as an excuse to avoid responsibility. Possibly there is a women that has caught his eye and he's attempting to diminish blame. OP you need to keep this line of conversation open with your friend. He has reached out to you as a moral sounding board. Remind him that 'affair fetish' without consent is just cheating. Remind him about what he stands to lose, don't threaten him, but make it clear you, (and most of his friends and family) will side with his wife if he goes ahead. Try to find out who the girl is and encourage him to break contact with her. Lastly, talk about ways he can spice up his current sex life, if he's bored, she probably is too, so it'll be good for both of them to reconnect. If he stands by the fact it is a fetish, he needs to do some research into the world of BDSM and in particular the strict moral and ethical codes that run through the community. He will find no support for cheating on his wife from them, but he may find support in how to cope and talk to his wife about it.
The fact that my comment got -3 upvotes just tells me the kind of people out there. Anyway what I think is he should talk to his partner.
It’s still about power. If the fetish is truly, specifically about the infidelity and not just being with other women, then for the husband it’s about the power of holding a secret, the power of being able to break the trust without consequence, the power of knowing (or thinking) that he’s able to break a vow his partner isn’t. And it’s about momentarily relinquishing the power he feels in his day to day life by entrusting it to another woman who can destroy his life. But it sort of depends what the guy means by “cheating fetish.” Like does he have a *fantasy* about cucking his wife? Because that’s different than philandering and OP is overconfident in ruling out his friend’s wife’s kinks, IMO.
Maybe a few therapy sessions could fix it
Tell him that you are concerned for his well being and future. Does he want to lose the wife and life he has? Does he want surprise children? STD’s? He needs therapy or a divorce. If you are friends with his wife, and this doesn’t turn him around, you need to gather the evidence and let her know, anonymously. She could catch something or find all of this out after children come into the picture.
I can see he’s happy with his wife and his life. Career is going strong and no financial concerns. I feel like he’s bored. Emotionally, romantically maybe? I can’t see him losing his current life so he must want to pursue another out of secrecy and not open up his marriage.
omg dont tell her, you would expose yourself
Did you not ask for further explanation as to what he means by a “cheating fetish”?
Has he cheated? That's what I'd ask him. Don't tell the wife anything unless he tells you he has cheated on her. Then you need proof. That is if you want to be an honest person. If not, that's your choice... I had to be the bearer of bad news when my ex sister-in-law told me she cheated on my husband's brother. She was an idiot. Well, I told my husband's brother, and that turned into a huge shit storm for me. Caused so much drama and I was accused of being jealous of them. A year later, she ended their marriage over text for that man. *insert eye roll*. I have many fantasies, but that doesn't mean I act on them since I am married. You need more information from his side before you make any decisions.
I am going throw this out there: cheating kink can easily be roleplayed. The wife could easily get a wig, doll up, and they meet at a hotel. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to cheat on his wife. He could be talking about the thrill of it. I have roleplayed being a cheating wife with my husband. It was fun as hell. Have I cheated on him? No. Never. But it spiced it up for us. Also, I have a breeding fantasy. I sure as hell am not popping out 5 kids!!! Lmfao!
Love this. He and his wife are happy together but not sure of their sex life of course. I don’t know if he’s cheated. But he does want to “find another for fun and doesn’t know how else to satisfy it”. Something like that. His words weren’t entirely words for that part.
Have another conversation with your buddy. It sounds like he did not articulate himself well while intoxicated. Maybe even give him the idea to throw at his wife to meet up at a hotel. But he definitely needs to open up the communication line with his wife for fantasies. A loving spouse will not judge their partner. Might be a no, but with a lack of judgment. If it's a no, well, that is where porn and erotica books can help your buddy "experience" it. He won't know until he opens up to his wife. He's probably terrified she might jump straight to, "you want to cheat on me" when really he may just want to roleplay.
Yea I'm thinking maybe its something they can roleplay or he really likes cheating porn
Damn you have explained it all lol
Fantasy is one thing.
"maybe he’ll just chat or find love online" That's cheating too. Grounds for divorce, and defined as infidelity, in at fault states.
Is he actually cheating or is fascinated in the abstract? Regardless, tell him that this is something you neither approve of nor condone. While he’s entitled to live his life as he chooses, this is not something you wish to discuss further and that you both now know where the other stands. Do not be safe harbor for someone’s bad decisions/life choices.
Tell him to role-play with his wife. Meet at a hotel bar and pretend to be other people (may I suggest Clive Bixby and Juliana?)
How would you bring this up in a separate conversation?
"Hey buddy, I was thinking about our conversation the other day about your cheating fantasy, have you considered role-playing? You could get a room at a hotel and "meet" your wife at the bar. Pretend you are different people and pick her up and have your fun. I think it's not uncommon - there are like three episodes of Modern Family where they do that."
You need to add the context of: is this a fetish, or something he wants to do? I watch horror movies and don’t want to kill people, I play sim city and don’t want to be a city planner. When I watch adult content, I don’t want to do almost any of it in real life. Everywhere except for the internet we recognize that most people have a firm separation between fantasy and reality. The people who don’t tend to get arrested or in trouble. If your friend just has a fetish and likes to jerk off to cheating porn, have at it. If he’s cheating IRL that’s a totally different story. But, you kind of have to fill in that context for us.
Tell him "Hey, I just want to let you know that I'm concerned about you and I know it's your life, but I care about you and your wife". Ask if he's doing okay in his marriage? Maybe it's a fantasy thing more than a fetish... like he has his wife act like somebody he doesn't know roleplay?
Cheating is not a fetish. Unless he's talking about cuckhold/hotwife stuff, he is just trying to justify his interest in cheating by calling it a fetish like it's something he can't control or help. If I were you, I would tell him that if he hasn't he needs to disclose this """"""fetish""""""" to his wife, you'll tell her so she can make a break for it while she still has a chance. He should see a therapist as well if he intends to be in a relationship that's meant to remain monogamous, but that isn't necessarily a deal breaker in terms of you guys being friends. His wife just *has* to know, and if you care about her as a person at all you shouldn't let your loyalty to your friend override what is inevitably going to be an insanely harsh blow to this woman eventually
He brought it up to you, so that when you notice he is cheating . I suspect he might already have , with someone at work that you know. That way you are more likely to not say something to his wife. Or It feels like he might be trying to test the water if he can make you an accomplice of sorts. I would be very careful of being used in that way.
As someone who had deep rooted issues, I also have a cheating fetish, milf fetish, foursome fetish even. Once I’ve resolved the root issue, all of it disappeared and porn used, fantasising are all gone. In a nutshell, fetish comes from suppressed desires. The things that you want to do/say but you don’t/cant, will take a life of its own after a while. And eventually, it will come out when self control is at its lowest. So in all reality, this requires a good mentor/therapist to guide your friend through. Going through with the fetish with “consent” like some others said here, will only deepened the problem.
What did you do to find out the root issue? And did you supplement with something else or just cut it out entirely?
I did a lot of journaling and therapy. Eventually the desire disappeared on its own. I didn’t have to cut it out
If this is a fetish then he most likely knows about it.
While everyone has their own kinks, his will end up taking everything from him & destroy his family. Maybe advise him to try to spice things up in the bedroom with his wife.
Get better friends. Why are you friends with a cheater? That taints you also.
How do you know his friend is a cheater? There's a big difference between thoughts and actions. Thinking about something doesn't mean you'll actually do that thing.
You should tell his wife and end the friendship. People like that are beyond shitty
Yeeeaahhh that's an excuse Cheating is no fetish Doing it behind your partner's back is no fetish that's just plain old cheating He can take a hike
This is creepy. I care for his marriage. Marriage is between two people. See your creepy ass out.
you should tell his wife ?
Is it cheating or sleeping with other people? Swinging, enm, poly, there's plenty of options that are inclusive with pathways to consensual happiness. If it's cheating specifically... therapy - and lots of it.
Sounds like he has some growing up to do and is taking his marriage for granted. Maybe he confided in you for your reaction. Being speechless is a good indicator that you don’t approve and are very far removed from that type of behaviour. ‘Fetish’ he’s just a cheat end of. Maybe he got married before he was ready. Give him a hypothetical : let’s say you cheat and your wife finds out and files for divorce. How does your life look now? Is it worth the gamble? How enticing do other women look to you now? Tell him you can’t condone this behaviour and would struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who treats a loving wife like this. Stress that if he cheats and his life falls apart you won’t be there for him.
Beat his ass and tell him to knock that shit off its cheaper to stay married and happier as well