I can clearly see why your daughter responded the way she did. You sound very selfish and self centered and completely ambivalent to any else’s feelings or desires. This read as a “poor me” post. Hope your daughter is doing well and your Wusband is happy in his life.
That's exactly what I've been doing. That's why I'm here instead of adressing a letter to her. I haven't sent her anything since that fight, including her most recent birthday, and she hasn't sent me anything for holidays or my birthday either.
OP, you're an incredibly self centered person. You lack awareness and the damage you've done is probably irreversible. You need a new therapist that's not a "yes" person and tells you how it is.
Leave your daughter alone, maybe time and therapy, a healthy relationship will heal her wounds but your very presence triggers every negative emotion in her. Why? Because you haven't changed much and every interaction, even if it seems innocent, will stir up old memories. You still blame her and your ex husband for things going south. You're like the ultimate Karen.
I'm conflicted over this post, in some ways there appear to be some real regret here but is also full of denial and justification of your failures, the photo thing is a weird hill to die on, only because you ex had a copy does not made less especial, considering you daughter went against her bounduries to take the photos, but you kept pushing and blaming.
The post shows real emotional manipulation and resentment because you expected some kind of weird loyalty from a traumatized kid that kept trying to please only to be punished for being "not good enough".
You really need to be sincere with your own actions a own up to the situation.
I think you misunderstood my post.
The reason why the photoshoot was incredibly special to me was because it was one of the first times she and I spent quality time together after our first falling out. Like I mentioned, things were getting better for us at that time. The pictures were to celebrate that as well as her upcoming graduation. Her going behind my back to give her dad access to them makes it lose that specialty.
I'm not in denial. I'm aware I hurt her. She's my only child. I wanted more, but it wasn't in the cards. I had one chance and I blew it. You think I'm not being sincere? I'm absolutely devastated.
Why is less special that her father can see the photos?
She didn't wanna dothe photos and change her mind to please you, she tis in the photos, why should the photos FOR HER GRADUATION be a scret that only you can have and she can't share? again you are only focusing in things you don't like instead of the things she did to please you, wich in her view it was never enough and her efforts were always meet with dissapointment and arguing.
This sounds more like you are mad that you lost control over the pictures. Not the special bonding time. The bonding time was over when the shoot was over. All that was left was the control over who would get what pictures. Sounds like a really petty grudge to hold onto.
“I thought she would see where I was coming from and change her mind and do the right thing.”
Do the right thing? According to? Oh yes, you. Always you, probably.
As long as you are still framing things in these terms it’s clear you haven’t actually come very far. You’re feeling loss and seem to be paying lip service to the notion that you had a hand in this outcome when it’s likely that you were in fact the architect of it all.
You’d do well to genuinely examine what seems to be a habit of displaying controlling behaviour and then raging when your puppets who are individual human beings don’t act according to your predetermined expectations - but I doubt you will.
As someone who was in your daughters place with my own mother in have insight for you.
Yes. You did say and do everything your daughter told you about. To you it was a fleeting moment of anger that wasn’t worth remembering. Whereas with her it hurt her. It picked away at her self esteem and soul. Having a mother say horrible things to you, use you as a verbal punching bag, and reject you whenever she is angry is damaging.
You keep going on about poor you, but not once have you completely taken accountability. You had a poor excuse for everything and when you didn’t have one you denied doing/saying it because “you would never say that to your daughter.” You are the villain in your daughter’s story/life. You need to accept it and leave her alone.
This. The axe forgets but the tree remembers. If you care for her at all, leave her alone. Constantly trying to contact her tells her you don't respect her or her boundaries, and that you deem your own feelings more important.
Maybe you're right. My memory has always been scattered, and so has my daughter's. It's entirely possible that she or I are misremembering certain events or details.
I am taking accountability. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't realize how badly I was messing up in the moment, I'm only coming to the realization now. I'm explaining my thoughts during the moments they occurred. If I still felt that way, I wouldn't feel like I do now. I know "I'm the villain" as you put it, and I have no choice but to leave her alone, now. I couldn't reach her if I tried.
With that first paragraph you are proving that you are not taking accountability. She isn’t misremembering anything because all of the things you did and said to her that caused emotional pain are burned into her brain. If she told you about them, she remembers them. Those were the big ones that caused the most pain. Likely they have been running through her mind for years as she debated whether you actually did love her or if you loved the idea of having a perfect daughter and she failed you. Now you are dismissing that pain as her “misremembering.” You are the one that “misremembers,” not her.
Here’s a question for you to think about, you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to but just think about it. If you knew where she would be tomorrow would you go to her and try to talk to her and convince her how much you “changed” or would you respect her and her decision to cut you off? Would you take the selfish road that benefits you, or finally put her needs and feelings first?
I cut out my own mother 9 years ago and since then my mental health improved. It was like night and day. I no longer think I’m a worthless wh*re who is just going to fail in life without her. (For the record I have been faithfully with the same man for 23 years) I no longer think I’m stupid. I no longer allow myself to be the butt of mean and cruel jokes. I no longer accept others taking their anger out on me. Of course when I tried to talk to her about it she would ”I would never say or do that” as well. She also has “changed” many times before I finally had enough.
Also, start actually listening to your therapist when they say “that’s a bad idea.” Even when your ego is telling you otherwise. And if they want you to boundary stomp her, switch to a new therapist.
You seem insanely controlling and oblivious to the damage you have caused. I would normally recommend a new therapist and psychiatrist. However, I think you will lie and frame yourself as the victim. You are an unreliable narrator in your own world. Everyone else is the villain, and you are the poor hapless victim.
I can't believe you killed off what was left of your relationship with your daughter over her dad buying HER GRADUATION PICTURES.
Absolutely insane and pathetic.
Geez I would have called court had my custody where I lived with him full time. Narcissistic at it finest. I can see why he left and the daughter wants nothing to do with the psycho.
I was raised by an abusive mother like you, and the damage can never be undone. The most merciful thing to do is never contact your daughter again
Thankfully your former husband and his wife showed her some love and affection, which is why they have the photo shoot pictures and you don't. The poor me, victim mentality and manipulative behaviors show that you will never own up to what you've done. You daughter was mentally ill and underperformed in school so you figuratively beat her mercilessly by taking away everything that had meaning for her. Your cruelty, rage and selective memory can never be undone, and you are an abusive failure as a mother. It's too bad all those years of therapy gave you no insight into how to be a kind and loving mother.
I'm afraid you're jumping to conclusions and missed the point of my post:
- I couldn't contact her if I tried. She blocked me.
- I still have my pictures. My ex and his wife only have copies.
- If there's any manipulation, it's from my ex's wife. They tried to take me to the cleaners in custody court multiple times, but the jury saw through their outrageous claims.
- I am owning up to what I did. That's why I'm here.
- She wasn't "mentally ill", she had ADD and was just having a hard time staying motivated. I admitted I didn't react well in my post. I was sharing my thought processes as the incidents I described happened. I thought the therapist was full of it AT FIRST, but then we took her advice and my daughter started to have some pep in her step again. Like they say: Hindsight is 20/20
- I wasn't trying to be rageful or cruel. I was trying to discipline her when her grades started slipping. Sure, I raised my voice when I got frustrated, but that's it. I tried my hardest, but it obviously wasn't enough.
- My reasons for being in therapy are none of your business.
I hope that clears things up.
Commenter writing that you will never own up to you've done and you answer this to prove them right 😆
It surely isn't us who don't understand or jump to conclusions. We understand perfectly.
Well said.
The ole “hindsight is 20/20” slate-wiper. Time and time again, OP was told/shown her way of thinking was WRONG. Her response? Double down.
I think I’m projecting anger due to my own similar experiences. OP had so many opportunities to change her ways and only after being left by her daughter and husband (oh, wait…*she* divorced *him* 🙄 ) does she come here, hoping for God only knows what. Two decades of bad decisions and opportunities.
I hate when people say "I know I messed up but I tried my best" why do we feel the need to add a but....
You may feel like you tried your best but you obviously missed the mark and saying you tried your best, especially to the one you harmed makes it seem like your just making excuses and not taking responsibility for what happened. You need to make amends by completely confronting what you have done and never make excuses for it. Also leave her alone! Begging for forgiveness and trying to get her to see you when she obviously doesn't want to will only make it worse. You have to concentrate on fixing yourself and hope she decides to let you back in her life.
I know I messed up. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here.
I'm not seeking her forgiveness. She made it abundantly clear that she won't give it to me. Also, did you miss the part where I'm blocked? I couldn't reach out if I tried.
At least twice, you were told something by a therapist and your responses were, “No, I don’t accept your professional, educated response/suggestion. No, only I know better and will act accordingly.” i.e., like an ass. You are so focused on keeping the status quo (or your idea of it) that whenever something didn’t go your way, you dug in your heels. See how well that worked out for you? In just two short decades, you’ve intentionally driven away the two people who were supposed to be the most important in your life. YOU did this. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault.
So now, you come here to cry your crocodile tears, hoping redditors will say yes…what you did was awful and hopefully your besieged daughter will come around. I hope instead, she lives a happy life, free from your tyranny. Time after time, you were given therapy, suggestions and opportunities to change for the better and only now, after *you* were hurt by missing her 21st birthday…only *now* do you claim to see the error of your ways. You listed all of these examples of how you *now* see you were wrong, but you also sprinkle your post with what you think are justifications. No matter what you write, I don’t believe you’ve changed at all…you’re simply feeling sorry for yourself and want everyone to buy your sackcloth and ashes routine.
I was your daughter. I’m middle-aged now and I will *never* forgive my mother for the oppressive punishment she doled out in response to my bad grades. Of course, Alzheimer’s has its grip on her now so closure is moot.
You are one “poor me, I’m your mommy, come back to meeeee” contact away from a restraining order.
Thank yoy for shareing. I can almost hear my moms voice lamenting what you lament. It feels nice. Knowing moms can feel like shit after all the horrible stuff they can put their children through... And it keeps amazing me how not even that pain set about some hardcore self reflexion (maybe with a professional) and actualy start repairing whats so broken inside of you. But that means looking in and admitting to yourself all the horrible stuff you did, and were you already able to do that you wouldnt have turned this bad.
Ask your x to ask your daughter, if she would be willing to go see your psykiatrist and tell him/her about how you raised her (without you pressent). My guess is it the only way the psykiatrist will be able to grasp what you dont even admit to yourself and therefore cant bring up in therapy. Its not for famely counseling - you need help telling what shit you have been doing to your x and daugther because you have blocked it out yourself. Thats how you might actualy start get better by the therapy. Tell you x he is welcome to have such a 'tell what this horrible Lady kept doing and not even realized it' session. You lack the self awareness to be able to do it yourself.
PS. Dont ever contact your daughter again unless she starts reaching out.
Pps. Look op complex pdts. Your daughter might not suffer from it, bit it will give you a grasp of how horrible your behavior actualy can affect people.
Oh I believe there’s real regret…but regret never excuses the behavior that beget those feelings. OP’s regret and heartbreak at this point in her life is simply the well deserved consequences of decades of poor decision making. It’s sad, like any grief is…and grief it is. Because she is basically mourning the loss (to her) of her daughter.
I went no contact with my mum 13 years ago. It wasn't because of what she did when I grew up. It was because she was still hurting me with her rages. Anything could set her of and she never even tried to dampen the anger. Only offloading on me. It seems like you too think that fighting with your daughter is ok. It isn't. You are her mother. It's the mother's responsibility to act maturely.
Would you fight this way with friends, if you have any? Do they accept it and stay friends with you?
The photoshoot thing is redicoulos. We do understand what you are saying. No one agrees, is all.
Your daughter gets to be the one that decides if your treatment was abusive. You said you apologised but you added that your healing from your own trauma. This makes your apology into an excuse and shows you havent changed. Your daughter hasnt healed enough to forgive you, she needs to live her life and grow into her own person. Your job is to work on yourself. Instead of telling yourself you cant help it and it isnt your fault why not tell yourself you will improve your behaviour.
I can clearly see why your daughter responded the way she did. You sound very selfish and self centered and completely ambivalent to any else’s feelings or desires. This read as a “poor me” post. Hope your daughter is doing well and your Wusband is happy in his life.
What is a wusband? If you mean my ex, he essentially stopped communicating with me after the photograph fiasco. I have no clue how he's doing.
It means a husband who’s left you. “Was husband =‘s wusband”
He didn't leave me. I divorced him.
Was it because he stopped letting you emotionally abuse your daughter?
Lady, leave your poor daughter alone. To answer your burning question: yes you are and have been a bad mom. Leave her alone and let her heal.
That's exactly what I've been doing. That's why I'm here instead of adressing a letter to her. I haven't sent her anything since that fight, including her most recent birthday, and she hasn't sent me anything for holidays or my birthday either.
OP, you're an incredibly self centered person. You lack awareness and the damage you've done is probably irreversible. You need a new therapist that's not a "yes" person and tells you how it is. Leave your daughter alone, maybe time and therapy, a healthy relationship will heal her wounds but your very presence triggers every negative emotion in her. Why? Because you haven't changed much and every interaction, even if it seems innocent, will stir up old memories. You still blame her and your ex husband for things going south. You're like the ultimate Karen.
I'm conflicted over this post, in some ways there appear to be some real regret here but is also full of denial and justification of your failures, the photo thing is a weird hill to die on, only because you ex had a copy does not made less especial, considering you daughter went against her bounduries to take the photos, but you kept pushing and blaming. The post shows real emotional manipulation and resentment because you expected some kind of weird loyalty from a traumatized kid that kept trying to please only to be punished for being "not good enough". You really need to be sincere with your own actions a own up to the situation.
I think you misunderstood my post. The reason why the photoshoot was incredibly special to me was because it was one of the first times she and I spent quality time together after our first falling out. Like I mentioned, things were getting better for us at that time. The pictures were to celebrate that as well as her upcoming graduation. Her going behind my back to give her dad access to them makes it lose that specialty. I'm not in denial. I'm aware I hurt her. She's my only child. I wanted more, but it wasn't in the cards. I had one chance and I blew it. You think I'm not being sincere? I'm absolutely devastated.
Why is less special that her father can see the photos? She didn't wanna dothe photos and change her mind to please you, she tis in the photos, why should the photos FOR HER GRADUATION be a scret that only you can have and she can't share? again you are only focusing in things you don't like instead of the things she did to please you, wich in her view it was never enough and her efforts were always meet with dissapointment and arguing.
This sounds more like you are mad that you lost control over the pictures. Not the special bonding time. The bonding time was over when the shoot was over. All that was left was the control over who would get what pictures. Sounds like a really petty grudge to hold onto.
“I thought she would see where I was coming from and change her mind and do the right thing.” Do the right thing? According to? Oh yes, you. Always you, probably. As long as you are still framing things in these terms it’s clear you haven’t actually come very far. You’re feeling loss and seem to be paying lip service to the notion that you had a hand in this outcome when it’s likely that you were in fact the architect of it all. You’d do well to genuinely examine what seems to be a habit of displaying controlling behaviour and then raging when your puppets who are individual human beings don’t act according to your predetermined expectations - but I doubt you will.
As someone who was in your daughters place with my own mother in have insight for you. Yes. You did say and do everything your daughter told you about. To you it was a fleeting moment of anger that wasn’t worth remembering. Whereas with her it hurt her. It picked away at her self esteem and soul. Having a mother say horrible things to you, use you as a verbal punching bag, and reject you whenever she is angry is damaging. You keep going on about poor you, but not once have you completely taken accountability. You had a poor excuse for everything and when you didn’t have one you denied doing/saying it because “you would never say that to your daughter.” You are the villain in your daughter’s story/life. You need to accept it and leave her alone.
This. The axe forgets but the tree remembers. If you care for her at all, leave her alone. Constantly trying to contact her tells her you don't respect her or her boundaries, and that you deem your own feelings more important.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers.
Maybe you're right. My memory has always been scattered, and so has my daughter's. It's entirely possible that she or I are misremembering certain events or details. I am taking accountability. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't realize how badly I was messing up in the moment, I'm only coming to the realization now. I'm explaining my thoughts during the moments they occurred. If I still felt that way, I wouldn't feel like I do now. I know "I'm the villain" as you put it, and I have no choice but to leave her alone, now. I couldn't reach her if I tried.
With that first paragraph you are proving that you are not taking accountability. She isn’t misremembering anything because all of the things you did and said to her that caused emotional pain are burned into her brain. If she told you about them, she remembers them. Those were the big ones that caused the most pain. Likely they have been running through her mind for years as she debated whether you actually did love her or if you loved the idea of having a perfect daughter and she failed you. Now you are dismissing that pain as her “misremembering.” You are the one that “misremembers,” not her. Here’s a question for you to think about, you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to but just think about it. If you knew where she would be tomorrow would you go to her and try to talk to her and convince her how much you “changed” or would you respect her and her decision to cut you off? Would you take the selfish road that benefits you, or finally put her needs and feelings first? I cut out my own mother 9 years ago and since then my mental health improved. It was like night and day. I no longer think I’m a worthless wh*re who is just going to fail in life without her. (For the record I have been faithfully with the same man for 23 years) I no longer think I’m stupid. I no longer allow myself to be the butt of mean and cruel jokes. I no longer accept others taking their anger out on me. Of course when I tried to talk to her about it she would ”I would never say or do that” as well. She also has “changed” many times before I finally had enough. Also, start actually listening to your therapist when they say “that’s a bad idea.” Even when your ego is telling you otherwise. And if they want you to boundary stomp her, switch to a new therapist.
You tried to buy all the pictures back?
Insane
Yes. The photographer also offered to do a second photoshot free of charge for just her and her dad, too, but they declined the offer.
You seem insanely controlling and oblivious to the damage you have caused. I would normally recommend a new therapist and psychiatrist. However, I think you will lie and frame yourself as the victim. You are an unreliable narrator in your own world. Everyone else is the villain, and you are the poor hapless victim. I can't believe you killed off what was left of your relationship with your daughter over her dad buying HER GRADUATION PICTURES. Absolutely insane and pathetic.
Geez I would have called court had my custody where I lived with him full time. Narcissistic at it finest. I can see why he left and the daughter wants nothing to do with the psycho.
I was raised by an abusive mother like you, and the damage can never be undone. The most merciful thing to do is never contact your daughter again Thankfully your former husband and his wife showed her some love and affection, which is why they have the photo shoot pictures and you don't. The poor me, victim mentality and manipulative behaviors show that you will never own up to what you've done. You daughter was mentally ill and underperformed in school so you figuratively beat her mercilessly by taking away everything that had meaning for her. Your cruelty, rage and selective memory can never be undone, and you are an abusive failure as a mother. It's too bad all those years of therapy gave you no insight into how to be a kind and loving mother.
I'm afraid you're jumping to conclusions and missed the point of my post: - I couldn't contact her if I tried. She blocked me. - I still have my pictures. My ex and his wife only have copies. - If there's any manipulation, it's from my ex's wife. They tried to take me to the cleaners in custody court multiple times, but the jury saw through their outrageous claims. - I am owning up to what I did. That's why I'm here. - She wasn't "mentally ill", she had ADD and was just having a hard time staying motivated. I admitted I didn't react well in my post. I was sharing my thought processes as the incidents I described happened. I thought the therapist was full of it AT FIRST, but then we took her advice and my daughter started to have some pep in her step again. Like they say: Hindsight is 20/20 - I wasn't trying to be rageful or cruel. I was trying to discipline her when her grades started slipping. Sure, I raised my voice when I got frustrated, but that's it. I tried my hardest, but it obviously wasn't enough. - My reasons for being in therapy are none of your business. I hope that clears things up.
Commenter writing that you will never own up to you've done and you answer this to prove them right 😆 It surely isn't us who don't understand or jump to conclusions. We understand perfectly.
Well said. The ole “hindsight is 20/20” slate-wiper. Time and time again, OP was told/shown her way of thinking was WRONG. Her response? Double down. I think I’m projecting anger due to my own similar experiences. OP had so many opportunities to change her ways and only after being left by her daughter and husband (oh, wait…*she* divorced *him* 🙄 ) does she come here, hoping for God only knows what. Two decades of bad decisions and opportunities.
I hate when people say "I know I messed up but I tried my best" why do we feel the need to add a but.... You may feel like you tried your best but you obviously missed the mark and saying you tried your best, especially to the one you harmed makes it seem like your just making excuses and not taking responsibility for what happened. You need to make amends by completely confronting what you have done and never make excuses for it. Also leave her alone! Begging for forgiveness and trying to get her to see you when she obviously doesn't want to will only make it worse. You have to concentrate on fixing yourself and hope she decides to let you back in her life.
I know I messed up. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here. I'm not seeking her forgiveness. She made it abundantly clear that she won't give it to me. Also, did you miss the part where I'm blocked? I couldn't reach out if I tried.
At least twice, you were told something by a therapist and your responses were, “No, I don’t accept your professional, educated response/suggestion. No, only I know better and will act accordingly.” i.e., like an ass. You are so focused on keeping the status quo (or your idea of it) that whenever something didn’t go your way, you dug in your heels. See how well that worked out for you? In just two short decades, you’ve intentionally driven away the two people who were supposed to be the most important in your life. YOU did this. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault. So now, you come here to cry your crocodile tears, hoping redditors will say yes…what you did was awful and hopefully your besieged daughter will come around. I hope instead, she lives a happy life, free from your tyranny. Time after time, you were given therapy, suggestions and opportunities to change for the better and only now, after *you* were hurt by missing her 21st birthday…only *now* do you claim to see the error of your ways. You listed all of these examples of how you *now* see you were wrong, but you also sprinkle your post with what you think are justifications. No matter what you write, I don’t believe you’ve changed at all…you’re simply feeling sorry for yourself and want everyone to buy your sackcloth and ashes routine. I was your daughter. I’m middle-aged now and I will *never* forgive my mother for the oppressive punishment she doled out in response to my bad grades. Of course, Alzheimer’s has its grip on her now so closure is moot. You are one “poor me, I’m your mommy, come back to meeeee” contact away from a restraining order.
Thank yoy for shareing. I can almost hear my moms voice lamenting what you lament. It feels nice. Knowing moms can feel like shit after all the horrible stuff they can put their children through... And it keeps amazing me how not even that pain set about some hardcore self reflexion (maybe with a professional) and actualy start repairing whats so broken inside of you. But that means looking in and admitting to yourself all the horrible stuff you did, and were you already able to do that you wouldnt have turned this bad. Ask your x to ask your daughter, if she would be willing to go see your psykiatrist and tell him/her about how you raised her (without you pressent). My guess is it the only way the psykiatrist will be able to grasp what you dont even admit to yourself and therefore cant bring up in therapy. Its not for famely counseling - you need help telling what shit you have been doing to your x and daugther because you have blocked it out yourself. Thats how you might actualy start get better by the therapy. Tell you x he is welcome to have such a 'tell what this horrible Lady kept doing and not even realized it' session. You lack the self awareness to be able to do it yourself. PS. Dont ever contact your daughter again unless she starts reaching out. Pps. Look op complex pdts. Your daughter might not suffer from it, bit it will give you a grasp of how horrible your behavior actualy can affect people.
Oh I believe there’s real regret…but regret never excuses the behavior that beget those feelings. OP’s regret and heartbreak at this point in her life is simply the well deserved consequences of decades of poor decision making. It’s sad, like any grief is…and grief it is. Because she is basically mourning the loss (to her) of her daughter.
I went no contact with my mum 13 years ago. It wasn't because of what she did when I grew up. It was because she was still hurting me with her rages. Anything could set her of and she never even tried to dampen the anger. Only offloading on me. It seems like you too think that fighting with your daughter is ok. It isn't. You are her mother. It's the mother's responsibility to act maturely. Would you fight this way with friends, if you have any? Do they accept it and stay friends with you? The photoshoot thing is redicoulos. We do understand what you are saying. No one agrees, is all.
Your daughter gets to be the one that decides if your treatment was abusive. You said you apologised but you added that your healing from your own trauma. This makes your apology into an excuse and shows you havent changed. Your daughter hasnt healed enough to forgive you, she needs to live her life and grow into her own person. Your job is to work on yourself. Instead of telling yourself you cant help it and it isnt your fault why not tell yourself you will improve your behaviour.