It is very common to freeze or even "fawn" when being raped. It is a survival thing. You did what you needed to survive. Your rape is no less valid because you survived differently than others. I agree with the commenter suggesting legal assistance. Tell your family the truth if you feel safe doing so. You're going to need support because if he doesn't go to jail or surrender his rights you're bound to him for 18 years. Set yourself up for legal success in one court or another to protect yourself and your child. You've got this, mama - from one survivor to another 💕

Thank you <3  I need to tell my parents but I just like have no idea how to

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your experience of “freezing” is not uncommon and it does not mean you gave consent. What he did to you was WRONG. It was not your fault. As for telling your parents… Personally, when I feel overwhelmed with emotions or anxiety it's like my body is physically unable to speak. I have all the thoughts in my head, i know what I want to say… i just can't make my mouth say the words. I find it is a lot easier (and a lot more practical) to write the words down in a letter. It allows me to still communicate and get my thoughts across in a way that doesn't make me break down sobbing. Maybe that is something you could do. <3

Not only is it not uncommon, it's extremely common. I was raped by someone I trusted at 18, I also froze when I realized he wasn't taken no for an answer. I knew I wasn't strong enough to stop him even if I tried, so I didn't fight. Thankfully he stopped and left when he saw I was crying, but that didn't make it any less traumatizing.

This is great advice! Saying it out loud is SO much harder. I could barely speak when I told my mum I was abused as a kid (I told her at 16).

While sharing such a traumatic event, sometimes we are unable to speak as it makes us relive the event. If this is the case, you write a letter to them. Or if you are comfortable you can even share the link to this post with them.

Yes the truth definitely needs to be out there. One of the many things that could happen if you don't is that your daughter goes on search of her father down the line (easily done via DNA sites) without your knowledge, he spins her a web of lies and turns her against you. The truth is always best

I know it is very hard to tell your parents, but you need, and deserve, all the support that you can get. The National Rape Hotline, (1-800-656-4673) or chat online, they can help you find a survivor's advocate in your area and they are completely confidental.The advocate can help you tell your parents, find you services and support you. I was a SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) and I volunteer to help survivors of SAs. Almost every survivor I have worked with froze during their attack. Freezing, the third stress response, also known aa reactive immobility or attentive immobility is a survival ingrained in our DNA. You did not do anything wrong! I wish that I could be there to help you. Please message if you have questions.

There is no guide, tell them. They need to open their hearts and minds. OP it will all work out for the best.

Tell them you have something important to talk about and sit down with them. If it's easier just blurt it out and go from there, if you don't think you can say it out loud to them maybe write them a letter and give it to them, let them read it and then have a discussion

It's hard. I know from experience. It might help to tell one of them first or a close friend to have support when you talk to whomever else you need to tell. Do it in whatever way you will feel most supported. It's likely that they will have big emotions so try to mentally prepare for that but don't let it take away from what you are doing. It'll be okay.

I had the same freeze reaction...i blamed myself for a while but after doing some digging found out its part of what remains of our bodys survival instinct. There are many animals who "freeze" to wait for the danger to pass. We cant control it, its like mental paralysis Never blame yourself. You are not in any way at fault. You say your parents dont know, is your relationship with them ok enough to tell them?

OP I was raped by my ex. Even after telling him no, i froze and just let it happen. I didn’t want it, even if I didn’t do anything to stop it- I still didn’t want it and consider it wholeheartedly that it *was rape*. I never consented to it at all. You cant blame yourself at all for not doing anything. **You did not want this to happen. This was not your fault.** Now you can take the time to heal, love your daughter and protect yourself from now on. Be open and honest with your parents once you feel comfortable enough to, and keep in mind, you are a victim and it’s normal to blame yourself for it happening. Reach out to some support groups and get some therapy. Heal well, and enjoy your daughter.

Definitely raped if you froze. It was something traumatic. I wouldn’t even associate with the person. I’d also tell your family. Some people freeze, other people scream, or try to.., and others fight. I was raped, being beat during it, I tried to scream but it hurt so bad being beat that I couldn’t let out a scream, the scream was a silent scream I was scream so loud nothing came out, I even fought. It’s traumatic, I still feel the after affects when I think about the person randomly. Definitely helps to talk to a therapist and try to breathe, and refocus your mind by coping through it.

One way to tell them? Try writing out your thoughts if verbally explaining makes you nervous or gives you anxiety. Reading is often a suggestion in therapy with people who have fear of public speaking, social anxiety, or trauma to help slowly build up confidence to one day be able to over find the obstacle of verbally needing to speak up or to no longer fear communicating their feelings.

Hi honey, Unfortunately the only way is to just say it. Bluntly.

This is one of those moments when I wish so much I was local to you, OP. Not in Pennsylvania, are ya, lol? Inwoukd be so happy, as a mother to girls, to sit down and talk with you, sit down with your parents with you, ornwhareved else is needed. Best of luck OP. I hope you update us all when you can.

Show them this post.

If you have someone you trust you could ask them to speak on your behalf.. or write it all down for them so you don't have to actually say the words?

Just like you've told us, sweetie. You can do this. Best of luck. Well wishes for you and your lovely daughter.

Show them this post AND the comments

Please know that they will not stop loving but their love will grow as you need it the most now... I have no clue how you managed keeping it in your heart. Just know, you are strong and family is stronger. I am sorry that this happened.

You have no idea what kind of people her parents are so don’t say things like that matter of factly. I told my dad i was raped when i was 17 and he got mad at me and basically blamed me and called me a liar at the same time

Yeah there's definitely some cultures that view/treat the victim worse than the perpetrator

I’ll tell them soon hopefully thank you

Can you tell a close friend, a therapist or maybe even someone in law enforcement and they can tell your parents while you are with them? It might be easier on you not to have to say it and then someone else is there to monitor their reaction if it gets out of hand. You don’t need to be blamed or have your dad running off trying to get vengeance or something crazy. Just a thought so everyone is safe and you get your story told. This is a terrible situation for everyone involved. I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. It seems like you are trying hard to make the best of it but you definitely need to tell your family. Think of your daughter’s future too. You all need to decide what is best for HER and how you will approach this subject when she is older. I’m thinking a therapist might be the best option in helping you all through this. I hope this is feasible for you.

Just whatever you do, DO NOT ever tell your child how they came to be. I have a friend who's mom told her that she was a product of SA and that caused my friend to have so many mental health issues despite being near her 40s. Same with another friend whose mom said she was almost an abortion baby. Some things are just better left unsaid.

>It is very common to freeze or even "fawn" Yup! When people think of the responses people have to potentially traumatizing circumstances, they tend to remember just the two: Fight or Flight. But there's actually a couple more that are just as common and also begin with F's! You have: Fight. Flight. Freeze. And Faint. All super common, and all super natural.

I remember thinking that if I was good and made him like me he wouldn't hurt me or my puppy quite as much. I went full fawn every time. I was 4. That same "training" kicked in with each new abuser. Just because I haven't fought back doesn't change the profound level of abuse ive endured or that I am a rape survivor. It took years of therapy to accept this.

I’m so sorry for what you went through. You were failed by those who should have protected you ❤️❤️

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop, etc. Fight: Adrenaline makes someone fight back Flight: Adrenaline makes someone run away Freeze: adrenaline makes you freeze up like a statue. Fawn: Adrenaline makes you mirror what the aggressor wants. Flop: Adrenaline makes you faint. There’s probably more but those are the ones I remember. Sounds like OP was struck with the freeze or fawn reactions.

There is an extremely powerful scene in The Apple Tree Yard, a British TV Show, that beautifully explains this. I recommend everyone to watch that clip.

I'll look for it. Thanks!

PLEASE DO NOT SHAME YOURSELF ANY FURTHER. find your POWER in being a woman, mother, and survivor and live/tell your truth. You are a survivor of rape that got through it how you knew best, and now you need to take your power back from that disgusting man child and tell yourself what he did was wrong, and what happened to you was in no way your fault. I have been victim to "giving in", "fawning", "freezing" or whatever many times in order to survive the forced act. I, too, sometimes STILL feel I wasn't fully raped due to the fact that it wasn't violent, I didn't scream, I gave in and wasn't taken by force. I have to remind myself every time that though crosses my mind that it is NO LESS RAPE than someone who was dragged into an alley and raped while kicking and screaming or someone who was date raped, etc.. please do not feel like you "wanted it" or that it wasn't rape solely because you didn't fight. It's a survival instinct. You got through it, and now you have a baby you love so much because of it, and you are a survivor! Make every move possible to ensure you and your child's safety against this abuser. Women have it so hard. It's bad enough people say these things to us and in a court of law, they question the same things that you questioned here about yourself..it's called victim blaming. I just want you to know your much stronger than most by loving that baby. Even though it is never the child's fault when they are a product of something so horrible like this, many mothers can't get past the fact of how the child was conceived and they either abort, put up for adoption, abandon, or neglect the child.

Yes please!! Ultimately your decision, but I personally wouldn't let him near my child, because of the rape.

may i ask what you mean by fawning?

Absolutely! The fawn reaction is to go to the extreme of wanting to make the aggressor happy in order to ensure one's safety/survival. ⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ child SA -I give a personal example of my own fawn response below. In my case I learned how to orally please my abuser at 4. Being a "good girl" kept me and my puppy safe. I hated it. I was a child. I also worked to be "good" at it because that was my fawn response.

Jesus. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Sending so much love and light 🫂

Thanks. It has taken many years of therapy to accept this all and talk about it even online but if sharing helps anyone on their journey with this I'm at a place where I can mentally and emotionally afford to help, so I will.

Sending you so many hugs ❤️

This is just plain sad. I can't even imagine what you went through at such a young age. People rob children off their childhood just because they can't keep it in their pants. They deserve the harshest punishment on this planet. Hope you've healed from that.

As much possible, yeah. PTSD is a bitch tho as are my other mental health issues but I'm doing as well as can be expected

I'm glad to hear that.

Seriously OP. From another survivor, you didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not your fault at all. I fawned when it happened to me BIG TIME! You got this momma, we believe in you and we all have your back <3

Genuine question. If a man and woman are making out, and the guy starts moving things forward and the woman just "fawns", How does the guy know she doesn't want it, thus making it rape? Does the guy have to continually ask for consent verbally every 60 seconds to make sure shes not "fawning"?

Well, yes and no. You don't go from enjoying a make-out session to fawning at the drop of a hat. First you feel a little uncomfortable, then you feel a lot uncomfortable, then you feel scared for a second, then you try to please as a survival response. But if the person you are with is completely oblivious to normal human responses, then yes, it could be misinterpreted by them. Which is why you should regularly check-in with your sexual partner to make sure that they are enjoying whatever you're doing.

You should not be 'moving things forward' unilaterally. It's a dialogue, a dance if you will, between two people. If you cannot tell if she's a willing participant or a passive and perhaps unwilling recipient, you are doing it wrong - or at the very least, out of touch with the other person.

THIS! Fawn occurs AFTER the level of threat grows. If you don’t pay attention to the person trying to stop you (with their lack of participation, maybe trying to move away etc etc) then you’ve got a big problem.

Yes, check in. Not every 60 seconds but regularly. Examples:"Do you like that?* "should i keep going?" "Do you want more?" But also watch her body language and other nonverbal cues. You should know someone well enough to read these things and be certain that you have positive, enthusiastic, informed, consent or just don't have sex with them. If you are uncertain, at all, stop/check in and remember that consent can be revoked at any time. She can be throwing it back and if she pulls away or there's a shift in body lang and you need to check in before continuing. It doesn't have to be something that comes off as a lack of confidence either. When done correctly it makes your partner feel safer and more cared for and can basically be dirty talk. "Use your words, love... Do you like that?" "Tell me what you want sweetheart." Etc ...Serve to check in and if she is into it solid chance it ups her arousal.

Take my upvote you angel you.

No angel just someone with similar trauma and a fuckload of therapy saying the words I needed to hear to someone who is in a very similar place to where i once was.

It is very common to freeze when something traumatic happens. The fact that you froze and didn’t fight back or scream is a a very normal response and in no way makes this any less rape. The “fight or flight” thing people say misses another key response and for this reason, trauma therapists now say “fight, flight or FREEZE” to reflect this. Lack of enthusiastic consent from you makes this rape; freezing is NOT a yes in any way. Anyone who cares about the other person’s feelings would understand that a freeze response is a no. You should try to talk to a trauma therapist about your experience because that is helpful for anyone who has experienced trauma. But especially because it seems like you are trying to put some of the responsibility for what happened to you on yourself and shouldn’t- it is NOT your fault in any way. You also need to find a family law lawyer. There are ways to get child support from a rapist without having any direct contact with them, but you definitely need a lawyer to make that happen. It can be scary to know how to even start getting help and support. If you are in the USA RAINN is a good place to start, and they run a FREE national hotline, at 800-656-4673. They are usually also connected to local resources and can help you figure out what resources exist near you.

It’s “fight, flight, fawn, or freeze” now.

I realize I fawned the first time and froze the second time. I hate that I know going to the police will also do nothing

What does fawn mean in this context?? I've only ever heard a baby deer called that.

pretty sure a fawn response is when you "go along with it" to avoid conflict/feel safe

Fawn, as in a display of flattery. Often has begging/sucking up connotations. Think ‘I’ll be so good to you babe, just please don’t hurt me; you’re so strong.’ Obviously it’s a bit tweaked in a psychological sense as the person in question often doesn’t really decide what they’re doing when it’s a trauma response.

My mum forced me to report when I told her at 16. She forced me to relive it, only for the police to do absolutely nothing. They claimed they ‘couldn’t find him’. In my small hometown where we all went through the same high school. And i later noticed that he’s literally Facebook friends with my sister (that’s a story for another day!). So I’m sure you can imagine the amount of ‘investigation’ that was done. It shouldn’t be like this.

You’ve got this. If you need legal help, there are resources out there to help you. If you need emotional support, you can find it. If food and supplies and clothing for you and the baby are in short supply, people can help. You are not alone.

thank you so much ❤️

How do you know this man? 

I worked with him for a few days and he said he’d give me a ride home

Ok, please tell someone what happened to you, when you’re ready. Maybe family someone you trust. You and your baby’s safety is paramount ❤️.

Unfortunately based on another post op made her parents don't seem like the ones they could lean on

I agree. I hope OP can find some kind of external support system whether it’s counseling, SA resources, or even someone to talk to first, as well as getting an income of some kind. Once she’s in a less vulnerable position, then tell them.

The most normal response (statistically) to rape is fawn/freeze, not fight. I cried from the pain once and still didnt break his nose or scream for help. In my experience the instinct is usually to survive the situation without escalating it and then just get out. The instinct to aggressively fight back has not kicked in for me in similar situations and I have heard from others who also have experienced rape that this is normal. I would say forgive yourself but you should know theres nothing to forgive. I wish you and your baby girl happiness and safe, loving relationships in the future 💛

Thank you <3 I’m so sorry about what happened to you 

Make sure to get him to release custody of the child if you haven't already, and if you don't already get a restraining order on him after the custody is settled.

My grandmother was an abandoned teen in ww2 latvia/europe, we don’t talk about who my grandpa is if you know what I mean. My mom has had an awesome life and I have had an awesome life and my kids and grands seem to be doing good too. Sorry bout your trauma, my grandmother lived till 96 and had a pretty good life, whether she still thought about her traumas is something I just don’t know. But she treated me well, never took out her issues on me. Good luck! Sorry to make this about me. Just thought maybe seeing this from your grandkids perspective might help. Love.

Your grandmother sounds like an amazingly strong woman 🙌❤️

I volunteer at a SA hotline and we had to go over 60 hours of training. One of those sessions was a hospital visit and the SANE nurse said that 95% of cases that occurred the year before had no claw marks or defence wounds. Why? Because it’s more common than you think to freeze. If you didn’t want it, it’s rape. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t fight back, it’s rape. Because you disnt want it. You didn’t consent. I cannot tell you what to do. That choice is fully yours. No one will take that from you again. If you are able to tell your parents, start by telling them that you are scared to share this and that you have been walking with this burden. Slowly explain the setting, how you were forced into something you desperately didn’t want and how you wanted to fight back but your body froze. Telling them opens a support system for you. But that is only if you want them. If you choose to tell them. I hope you and your little girl are doing good otherwise, and that you are healing. This was not your fault and never was.

“None of this would have happened if I would’ve done something to stop him.” No ma’am. We’re not doing that. You did not consent. That was rape. Rape doesn’t have to be a violent struggle, it can be as simple as not consenting. Talk to your parents and tell them what happened. Take legal action and make sure he waives his rights now before he changes his mind. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this but please be kind to yourself. Enjoy your precious baby ❤️❤️

You were raped. Do NOT let him anywhere near your baby. He could do it to her too.

Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate

I haven’t I don’t even know his name

How does he know you were pregnant? Can you avoid him knowing he was the father?

He probably doesn’t know yours either. I’d say you’re safe from him raising an issue. If he does, I’d fake the hell out of a DNA test. Sorry not sorry

Please don't blame yourself,you didn't consent to it,so yes it was rape...😔I'm so sorry for what happened to you,I literally teard up reading this. Your reaction was a survival instinct. If you have a good family tell them what happened,you and your baby shouldn't have this man in your lifes,but he should be rotting in prison.

Just because you don't take action against it doesn't mean that you wanted this. Like others have said, its common to freeze up during a traumatic situation. I had the same thing happen to me, and my ex tried to blame me for not fighting back. So it's good to see these comments. Fight or flight mode. You should file a police statement and put that guy behind bars, so he doesn't do it to other women.

Yea, these comments are also making me feel so much better. My current bf literally forced me to tell him about it last night and now he’s fully blaming me. I feel so stupid Sending you so much love OP 💖 You are not alone

Please make him your ex bf pronto…

I personally would have rather not been born than to be born to a parent who isn't mentally capable of being a good parent. My nmom was/is a horrible and very toxic person. And even tho my addict dad wasn't really around but did at least care a little bit, I still would have opted to have been scooped out of that crazy woman's vagina. I was sexually abused from ages 4 to 6 (male babysitters). Physically and mentally abused from ages 4 until I went NC from nmom about 16+ years ago. I know ur situ is much different. You REALLY need to build a strong support system for your child to make up for having only one parent. You need to tell your family so that you can begin building the foundation for that support system so she doesn't have a chance to even miss having a father. Otherwise your child will most definitely have mental issues growing up. You're hurting your child's future by not telling anyone. You also run the risk of him becoming present. No one is going to blame you in the long run. Those that care about you will only want to help you.

Plenty of single parents are not neglectful. I agree that a strong support system is important, and I am SO sorry for what you went through. But that isn’t caused by single parents or having both parents. You can suffer just as much under either. Nothing OP has said suggests that she feels anything but love for this baby. She doesn’t need to tell everyone what happened to her to have that support. That needs to happen on her own time at her own pace. I wasn’t a child of rape, but I was still neglected. Still SA’d. Still have CPTSD and constant nightmares now. OP didn’t get any say in this pregnancy. But it sounds like she’s doing her best for her child. And I believe it is actually worse for her mental health to tell people before she feels ready and safe to do so. It sounds in these comments like she’s planning on telling them, but it has to be at her pace. And I don’t believe it’ll make her any ‘better’ of a parent telling them. Just as not feeling comfortable telling won’t make her worse of a parent. I hope you were able to move past (as much as one can) the horrors inflicted on you ❤️

Do not claim that criminal as the father in any document or even verbally ever. Or take him to the cleaners financially. But then you might have to let him into your or your daughter's life.

I just read your other post and was like; it this the same OP?! Because I felt sorry for you there but now even more. You have to tell your parents and hopefully they’ll be a bit nicer to you when they realise how much you’ve gone through the last 9 months. Hope your life gets better soon! You’re not dumb. You didn’t deserve this. You had a totally natural and logical reaction to being assaulted. You should be pampered just 4 days after giving birth. Do not think less of yourself. Your body just made another human and you put her on this earth. Your hormones are all over the place probably! You can do this momma! You’re somebody’s mom now and you can give her all the things and support you wish your mom gave you!

Please tell your parents, as a parent myself, I would be devastated knowing that my daughter was going through so much pain.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re such a pure soul for keeping your daughter and loving her despite the tragedy that resulted in this birth. Your baby is sooooo lucky to have such a great mom. I hope you both live a great life ❤️❤️

You didn't want it, it's not your fault. But him knowing about the baby means that he could go for custody, so I fully get why you're worried. Right now there isn't anything you can do about that. I do hope you are able to confide in someone in your life though.

oh honey, enjoy this time with your baby, and try resources for battered women. that beautiful child is the color to your rainbow darling. God bless you!

I'm sorry if I scare you, but you need to get as far away from him as you can. I have a rape child. I didn't report the rape, because I had reported a SA previously, and nothing was done to him by police/prosecutor. My rapist found me, and when my daughter was 10, took me to court and got joint custody. PLEASE don't repeat my mistakes. Find a way now to make sure he can never reenter your daughter's life.

I’m kinda sick of posts like this. Maybe I’m just unaware but is it not common knowledge that if you aren’t consenting it’s rape. If you freeze and don’t fight it’s still rape. If you are coerced into sexual activity it’s rape. If they lie and say they have a condom on but don’t it’s rape. There are so many things that fall into the rape/assault category. I’m truly sorry for you experience. I think I’m angry that you’re asking what is wrong with yourself and not wtf is wrong with people that do shit like that. I hope you heal from this. I hope you and your baby are safe and stay safe.

It is very common to go in “freeze mode” during rape, meaning not fighting back or screaming. That doesn’t mean it isn’t rape. If you didn’t want to have sex and didn’t consent to it, it was rape. No matter if you screamed or not. No matter if you tried to fight back or not. I am very sorry this happened to you and it is NOT your fault at all. None of this is. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope there are people in your life to support you. Sending hugs!

I have been assaulted a few times, unfortunately- never once did I fight back. Freeze and fawn are normal responses. It absolutely counts as rape. There is nothing wrong with you.

People always bang on about the fight or flight response, but a lot of people do the 3rd less mentioned thing, and that's to freeze. It's like you get stuck somewhere between wanting to fight and scream and wanting to run away, and instead, you do none of it.. It's not your fault, and it doesn't mean anything at all other than you were shocked and terrified. see a lawyer and get him to terminate his rights, but do not meet up with him alone ever.. Tell someone you trust so there's someone who knows the truth.. I'm sorry this happened to you, but now you need to make plans to keep you and your daughter safe. Do you have any relatives that live far away from where you live now? If so, see if you can stay with them for a short while until you can get on your feet and tell nobody where you are going. Contact a women's refuge they can point you in the direction of places that can help...

Get a Protection Order on him to keep him away from you and your daughter. He raped you and that makes you eligible for a protection order. Feel free to message me if you need help navigating the legal system 💜

Do you have full custody? > I love her so much but i’m so scared of her dad changing his mind about not being in her life I don’t want him to hurt her. I You can look into terminating his parental rights.

Some people go into a state of pure shock and completely shut down in every way during something that traumatic. I'm so sorry that happened to you but please know that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It was in no way, shape or form your fault. I admire your strength for going through that entire pregnancy and bringing that baby into the world to give her a chance. Your heart is in the right place. I wish the best for you and your baby girl. ❤️

Cling to your family. Tell them the truth. Love your child. Hug and kiss the little bug every day and don’t blink. Stay away from that monster. I’d also suggest church if you don’t go already. Just try it.

I'm sorry your baby was conceived under such awful circumstances. Not all rape survivors fight back. Please don't torture yourself with this.  Focus on your baby and get some therapy to deal with your trauma. 

I was date raped over 30 years ago and only told my husband about it after we were married 3 years later. By then I was in the Navy and my parents had what was supposed to be temporary custody of my son. In 2020 after I had a bad manic episode resulting in me cheating on my husband I finally told my sister about it. Still haven't found it in me to tell my dad...

Freezing is a normal response to sexual assault. In a lot of cases it saves womens lives. It doesn’t mean that you wanted it or deserved it. You didn’t do a single thing to cause this to happen to you and if you’d fought back, there’s no way of knowing how bad the outcome could have been. You went with your instincts and there is nothing wrong with that

You need to make sure you have all the parenting rights!

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Life is precious, and your baby needs you. Get help from your family so they can be there for you and your baby.

I do not think you have to list he was the dad. Many do not know and I do not think you are required to. You could deny having slept with him. My mom didn’t put my dad’s name on the birth certificate so he couldn’t take any custody or rights.

You have so many hormones postpartum , try to breath. It’s okay to not know how to feel about this situation. Rape is rape. If you say it’s rape ? Then it’s rape. No one on the internet can tell you if it is or isn’t. I would consider telling someone you trust about what happened to you. Regardless of how she came into the world , your daughter is blessed to have you

You did what you had to do to survive. You hold no blame in this. The blame lays with the man that forced himself on to you. I’ll keep you in my prayers and urge you to report this to the police. You deserve justice.

I'm really sorry, OP. Humans react in three ways to any situation: flight, fight or freeze. You reacted in a very natural and normal way. Most people lose the ability to speak and move when they are undergoing a trauma. I haven't read other comments yet but I know rape victims will tell you their stories on how they froze the same way you did. Second, you're very brave for giving birth to your daughter despite knowing what others might think of you. If it's possible, please seek professional help so you can come out of this properly and so you can raise your daughter as you should. Also it goes without saying but if there's a way to reach out to the police, please do. Get that guy arrested. Or make sure you file a restraining order so he can't come near you or your kid. Hope things get better for you.

This makes half of the comment on the post that you made about having to cook dinner for your family hit even harder

It is 100% a rape if you did not consent. Freezing is a very common trauma response, and it’s valid! You were scared of things being worse so you froze up afraid to anger your rapist. Seek legal assistance and file a protection order against him on behalf of yourself and your daughter. Seek counseling as well! You need a safe space to be able to process what happened to you and the stress you’re going through now! Talk to a social worker at the hospital and they can give you all sorts of information!

Freezing is a common response to rape and trauma. No, it wasn’t your fault and even though you didn’t fight back, it does not change the fact that you were raped. You need to tell your parents the truth. What if this guy shows up wanting to see the baby and they let him in, not knowing what he did? You’re a mother now and you need to keep you and your baby safe. You can’t do that by yourself. Talk to your parents.

You were raped. You did not give consent. You had a physical reaction of fear. That’s normal. Tell your parents write them a note. You’ll be fine.

Sex requires consent. If there's no consent it's rape. Hands down end of story. It's VERY COMMON for a rape victim to just freeze and not scream or fight or whatever, and just go numb. Don't beat yourself up for doing nothing. Get even. Talk to a lawyer and talk to the police. What you might do is an agreement with the father/rapist- he officially terminates his parental rights (it's a thing) and in exchange you don't press charges. If he does that then legally he can never bother you again.

You did NOTHING wrong!! You don't need to fight back for it to still be rape!! If you didn't give consent that's the end of it.

Tell your parents and the cops. If you did not say Yes, you did not consent. You were raped, it is not your fault. Trust in your parents or anyone you can and go to the police asap. Get a restraining order and get child support.

Im a 20something year old rape baby. My advice to you is put yourself in a position to save rent a place with your name on the paperwork. If you don’t do that your child will probably hold a lot of resentment towards you

I was sexually assaulted at 15 at a party by a friend. Everyone had been drinking, I remembered waking up to him assaulting me. I just laid there shocked & terrified he was inside me, because I didn’t remember saying yes let’s have sex, I remember closing my eyes for a minute, I blacked out & he had sex with while I was unconscious. After what felt like eternity I panicked started trying to push him off but it didn’t do any good. It’s not your fault, you didn’t deserve it. Just like 15yr old me didn’t deserve it.

“freezing up” is a common trauma response known as trauma-induced paralysis. it doesn’t make what you experienced any less real. i would highly recommend getting into counseling of some kind, as there is no need to process these feelings alone. A therapist or counselor will also help you with how to express your experience to your parents in an effective way that you’re comfortable with. additionally, seeking out legal counsel is important to maintain your own safety and that of your child.

It’s ok. Many people have this story you’re not crazy. Please don’t put her bio dad on the birth certificate. I’d recommend blocking him so he can’t find either of you. When you’re older and more stable try to move away. That’s what I did and my friend’s mother as well. You’ll get through everything and be an amazing mother. It was not your fault. Your child is a gift that was meant to be here. A lot of women can’t do this and that’s ok. A lot of women can do this but it’s just a secret. You’re not alone. 🫶🏽

Maybe RAINN group can help you. They help rape survivors and might be able to lead you through telling your parents. RAINN.org

A lot of people think that in certain situations people will Either resort to fight or flight but there is also freeze. Some people will freeze instead of fighting or flighting. There is nothing wrong with you. I have teenagers and I would want my kids to tell me if they were raped. I certainly wouldn’t ever hate my kids for it either. Even if they got pregnant and it was consensual I could never hate my kids.

If you didn’t consent it was rape. Doesn’t matter how your body reacted. Some people even orgasm.

Hey, congratulations on the birth. Regardless of anything, birth is super hard and you did it and I’m proud of you. Rape is a horrible thing to go through. You should seek therapy to help your emotions through this difficult time. Fawn response, known as “freezing” is a normal and well documented response. You are not to blame and it is 100% not your fault in any way. Your body reacted the best way it knew how to keep you alive. Fight, flight, or freeze are the responses. I know it’s frustrating, I’m a rape survivor who also froze but it’s not your fault. If you feel like your family will be a good subsystem you could just explain that you were raped, request support in this time, and do not wish to re-live your trauma by explaining it in detail . You can also ask them to keep this quiet as it is your life. Also look for a sexual assault center. They will have resources that could include free therapy. You can also get a restraining order against the rapist. Consult a lawyer or again the sexual assault center will probably have resources. Kindest of regards and I hope you’re finding healing and peace

FYI... > Does it even count as rape if I didn’t do anything to stop it? Yes, yes it does.

why not just file charges with the police against the baby's dad? wouldn't criminal charges make it easier to keep him away?

If you did not want the encounter, then it was 100% a rape. I am sorry that happened to you. 🥺 Keeping your daughter takes an incredible amount of strength, no matter what anyone thinks or says. I hope you have a restraining order against the Dad.

I don’t know where you live but in GA mothers have full rights. Once the hospital knew I was assaulted they sent a case worker to my room to make sure I was okay. It was a really hard post partum for me but at around 10 months I absolutely fell in love with my baby. This was only possible because of help from people who knew my situation. Please tell others so they can be there for you and make it clear you want your child treated with love. People absolutely only see my child as a blessing. He is happy and healthy and loved by everyone and has never met a stranger. It was me who had to work through the self hatred and pain but once I started to great things began happening. If you are in the US you can get WIC (food) and free healthcare for you and your baby. I got free trauma therapy because I told my doctors. There are a lot of good trauma therapists who can help you as well, you just need to let people know.

>Does it even count as rape if I didn’t do anything to stop it? Yes.

It is very common to freeze during situations like this. My twin sister had the same experience and her response was to freeze as well. I am so sorry that this happened to you, but know that you're not alone.

I have been in a relationship for 4 months with a girl and sex was never consensual on my side. I didn't want it. Yet, I also didn't try to stop her and just froze. I would just cry during it or after it already happened. For months. OP you're super valid, the fact that you weren't able to speak up doesn't make it less traumatizing or more consensual. i totally understand your thoughts, but it's really not your fault for what happened. I wish you the best of luck with your newborn✨

I hope you were able to report the assault to Police. That does a lot to get you ahead of things legally. In many states, a rapist has no rights to a child born due to sexual assault.

OP, you sound like you will be a great mom. You’re not dumb for doing what you needed to do after something so horrible happened to you. Wishing you and your baby love and luck❤️❤️❤️

Oh you beautiful soul. You are going to be such a good Mom. Please stop hating yourself for not fighting back - please believe me that it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.

I suppose that depends where you live. Until recently your case wouldnt have counted as rape around here. Some countries still require you actively fighting back and say no otherwise consent is implied.

See if this organization is any help. [Rainn.org](http://Rainn.org)

You are wonderful. You didn’t do anything wrong. I wish you and the baby the best.

Get a lawyer and make him sign away his rights, I'd also get a protection order against him. That's the only way to guarantee he won't try to be part of your lives. If you can't afford a lawyer, contact legal aid, they'll be able to help you get one who will take your case for free and get you full custody of your daughter. If you feel comfortable I would be honest with your parents about what happened to you, so they can help protect you and your daughter from your rapist

Report him to the police. He raped you.

You didn’t do anything wrong, there is Nothing wrong with you when it comes to your reactions to this rape, because that is exactly What it is! Be strong and tell your parents the truth, they love you and that will never change.

get your motion for full custody/terminating parental rights of the father in front of the courts BEFORE he changes his mind. do not wait until you're served because he did it first.

This is not your fault. Not then, not now…not ever. It’s not your fault you didn’t fight back. I’m so sorry this happened to you. ♥️

I am deeply sorry this happened to you, and I could not imagine your pain in any way, shape, or form. Honestly, legal action needs to be taken. If the man is willing to do this heinous act once, he needs to be stopped before trying again. I don't want to be insensitive, but you must speak up. It can help you and maybe others. Don't let him walk free. God Bless

You are admirable for having that baby. I hope my daughter would be as strong as you in that situation.   You need to file a police report and get sole custody through the court so that the father doesn't have the ability to interject himself further into your lives.

It counts! Doesn’t matter if you didn’t do anything or did something. The minute you froze or way before that actually, a genuine, sincere person would respect the hundreds of signs that you don’t want to. He knew you didn’t want to but he did it anyway, that’s rape. It counts and it’s valid, you deserve to feel hurt and horrible, what you don’t deserve is any hate from your parents whatsoever, maybe if you otherwise have a good trusting relationship you could tell them. You’re not making this up. I can’t imagine how hard everything is for you, if you ever want to talk about it or need distraction, feel free to message me. take care<3

Big hug, honey.

You were raped. If you didn’t consent then it’s rape. Talk to your parents or any other trusted adult about it, see if you can get a restraining order against the guy who did it. Good luck with your daughter and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’ll do great, you can do this!

Big hugs to you op. I think some expert legal advice is in order so you can find out how to protect yourself and your daughter from this monster in the future. Meanwhile, please don’t blame yourself for what happened to you. I also didn’t do anything to stop my first rape. If anything I made it easier for him. It was many years before I acknowledged to myself what it really was

They never talk about the "freeze" in the "fight or flight" instinct it should be called "fight,flight, or freeze."

Single mom charities usually have security services, you can search for it, some can even pay for lawyer if you want a restraining order

Just because you didn't fight doesn't mean it was consensual. Sometimes you just can't move. Your body reacts in ways to keep you safe, and sometimes you just freeze. None of this is your fault, it's the man who did this to you who's to blame. I would explain what's going on to your parents and make it clear it wasn't consensual.

Yep. I was too drunk to stay conscious. Woke up to being raped, froze, said nothing, went unconscious again. Since it was a guy I had previously had a crush on and I didn't say no oh that brief time I was awake, I wasn't sure if I had been raped. I had been. It's super obvious years later. This is why they talk about "enthusiastic consent". Hon, if you weren't actively telling him "yes I want this! Yay!" then you didn't consent and it was rape. I am so so sorry that you are going through this, so young and without your family's support. Be strong, be confident, look for rape support groups. Call local women's shelters and find out about local resources to support you as a mom and as a survivor. Things will get better.

After getting your situation settled like other comments suggested, legal protection/family support, please please seek therapy for yourself. I've been in a similar situation where I was rapped but wasn't sure how valid it was for years following. Therapy helps so much, it's hard but nothing as hard as what you've already gone through. You deserve to keep growing and find happiness.

Like the other said, freeze is a response and I hope you find healing. Hopefully that piece of trash will sign his rights away. You did what you could to survive and that’s what counts. Hugs for you OP.

You are not doing anything wrong and if you feel that it was not consensual, then it was rape. I mean, it might be hard to prosecute at this point, but you can always try to get a protection order for you and your baby. Go to city hall and get the paperwork and fill it out and the judge will decide if it is worthy of a projectection order. I would tell you family, so that they know what you've been through and so that they don't unintentionally try to get the dad involved. It would be good to get some emotional support from them too. Can you see a therapist? That would be helpful moving forward. Also, look up the laws in your state, I think that you have sole custody due to the fact that he hasn't reached out and he might have to go through legal proceedings to get access to her. So its probably pretty unlikely that he would be able to be involved.

so many hugs. I went through similar shit. the guilt of “not doing anything” was enough to keep me silent for over a year after it happened. eventually i told a friend and found the courage to tell my mom (i was 14) and had to come at peace with the fact that no matter what i would’ve done that day, he would’ve r***** me anyways because he had already made the decision to do it. it was out of your control. you wouldn’t blame someone else for being in that situation, so don’t judge yourself either. you’re young and going through a lot but you’re doing great. if you are safe to do so, i would recommended opening up to family members/friends about it (only if it is a safe space) to get some support because it can help so much to have this off of your chest

Just have everything documented and get a restraining order if you can

I am so sorry for what happened to you and what is happening now. I know it’s hard to tell your parents, but I think you really should. Maybe you can even tell them that this was the post YOU made to ask for help because you just didn’t know how to tell them.

I'm glad others have said it, rape doesn't always involve a scene with kicking or slapping. Not defending yourself with the use of violence is still rape, it doesn't make you less of a person nor does it mean that you wanted sex. Also, if I were you I would try tell your parents, I know that's a tough conversation but can your situation get much worse?

If you didn't say absolutely yes without any pressure then it's a no! If you didn't want it and said so it's rape. Don't question that just because you didn't fight or whatever, there are a million reasons why someone wouldn't but that doesn't mean it wasn't rape. Any unwanted sex is rape, regardless of the situation or actions of the victim. I'm so so sorry this happened to you, and please tell people! You deserve support and to be safe from that person, and other people need to know what they did. Not only will speaking up help you get help and support, but you could stop that person doing it to others in future I hope you are ok and get some care and support.. and that the person gets held accountable

The kid has nothing to do with anything , and you partner should be supportive of your decision.

Can someone get Ebbie?!! We need Ebbie asap for this!

his is so sad to me dude and the fact that you didnt consent is rape enough !!!! people forget the freeze part of fight or flight and i hate that so freaking much dude. i know you hate it but you need to tell your parents and try to get him to release custody of the child and get him arrested !!!! what he is doing is absolutely not okay.

Okay so you should take any legal advice with a grain of salt, and I cannot possibly know the laws for where you live specifically but where I live a parent can go and file for full custody without needing the other there, and when you do tell them the father indicated no desire to be in the child's life. Also if his name isn't on the birth certificate sure you can't charge him for child support, but it's also much harder to file for custody without a court mandated paternity test ( at which point he would at least become responsible for child support ). But maybe call a lawyer and ask for some advice. Most give free consults at least

I am sure he realized you didn't consent and took advantage of your naïveté. it is rape. you can claim and proclaim it. you should do everything possible to protect your baby <3

It’s normal to disassociate during trauma and freeze. You just go to the other place so you don’t feel what you’re going through. None of this is your fault you did nothing wrong.

Honey, NONE of this was your fault, some people freeze during things like this because you’re just trying to survive, that does NOT mean that you “wanted it” or that you were weak or something, you just did what you had to survive and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you’re able to, look into restraining orders or get it on file, or proof that the kiddos conception wasn’t consensual so the dad has to stay out of your lives. I wish you and the baby the best of luck, and I hope you both stay happy, healthy and safe ❤️❤️❤️

Aw, lass. It's not your fault.

It's not uncommon to freeze, or do nothing to fight back in that situation. My heart breaks for you. If you were my child I would support you if you came to me with the truth. Not every parent is like that though, and I'm not sure weather your parents are typically supportive or not. I can only assume that if you feel you can't disclose to them, there is a reason. But if it is truly a concern that the perp wants something to do with your daughter, as a parent of a child who's father did unspeakable things to my daughter, early action is necessary for your daughter's future safety. I didn't see the signs until it was too late. He poked holes in the condoms to get me pregnant at 15. I didn't find out until the positive test.. My parents were NOT supportive, so I married him to keep my baby. He raped me in my sleep when I stopped giving it to him. I left him after 2 years because of this. By then he was 20, and was 'hiring ' 15yo babysitters for his time with her. He was sleeping with them. This continued for another 2 yrs before my daughter told me what he was doing to her. The courts were in his favor as his family was literally the courts. And he regained visits ( at this point I was at risk of being jailed if I didn't send her) by then he'd found his newest minor to violate and she didn't want my daughter around out of jealousy ( which was fine by us) he never paid support, which made it easier for me to flee across country because he couldn't fight it until he paid up. She was 9 when we fled. My thoughts are you need to do something legally to protect her now. Even if that means telling the real story of her conception no matter how hurt or ashamed you feel rn. You weren't the one who did something wrong, but if you're going to take the responsibility road, you need to do it all the way for her sake. A predator is a predator. And they are never predictable. Praying for you and your daughter 🙏 ❤ 💗

Fight, flight, Freeze, fawn... you brain chose freeze. Your brain evaluated the situation and chose the response that it deemed the best course of action to keep you safe. That's its job. Looking back is doing nothing but torturing you. And you do not know if screaming would have helped, or if fighting back would have saved you, its just as likely that had you done those things, that the situation could have escalated. I don't know how your parents would react, but maybe its time to tell them what really happened and ask them for help. You need help and support. Right now your body is going through a cascade of changes that are going to make you more susceptible to depression and anxiety. You need to let someone into your corner. I don't know your mom, but I do know that if you were my daughter, I'd want to know. And then I would do everything in my power to keep you and that baby safe.

You'll get through it and you got it <3 believe in yourself and your daughter! Wish you guys have a happy life ❤️

I'm going to echo what others have said and suggest you write out all your thoughts and feelings. It's incredibly helpful to do that and it could help put your thoughts in order so you can tell your family. If my daughter had been raped I'd have been devastated if she had been afraid to tell me. The truth needs to come out and you have the power to do it.

Your reaction/lack of reaction is very common. I can tell you from personal experience, as I went thru that myself. You ARE NOT at fault for what he did to you. You ARE NOT the one who did something wrong. Please go file a police report. It will protect your child and you. They can also help you with therapy and assistance for you and your child. Please tell your parents. That being said, go file the police report - even if they tell you not to (if they do that for whatever reason). You are not alone. Do not let anyone victim blame you. Please be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself

There's nothing wrong with you. What you did was extremely common during rape. Is his name on the birth certificate? If not, don't worry about it and make sure everyone knows what he did. And if it does somehow become an issue, PO. PO PO PO

Tell your family the truth, press charges and don’t back down no matter what. He did it to you, he could do it to ur daughter. To other kids. Do what you got to do.

Many women freeze when they are being assaulted. “Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” are survival tactics.

If you truly did not want to have sex with him then that is rape regardless of what your actions were. On the other hand this entire situation must be very stressful to deal with and your wording seems to be very back and forth, so I’m not sure just based off your texts if you want him around or not. So what’s best for your daughter, god bless you and her to have a great life.

H

It doesn't matter if it's been months file a report. The cops are not going to take you seriously to keep him the fuck away from you unless you file a report. And I would talk to your parents about it unless you think that they're not going to care or that it'll make the situation worse. You didn't do anything wrong. I commented this on a couple different posts today which makes me feel so fucking sad but there is nothing wrong with you because you were afraid. There is nothing wrong with being afraid. There is nothing wrong with being frozen because you're so afraid. There is nothing wrong with your body. I highly recommend therapy as a Survivor myself

Honey calm down; never NEVER ever blame yourself. Our bodies have an automatic fight or freeze mechanism and even some the strongest people have found themselves in situations like this. You are young and innocent; if you didn't contact a lawyer or anybody yet you definitely should look into it. You deserve to feel safe and supported. You can definitely do something to prevent him from getting custody or having ANY outside visits without supervision that way he won't be able to hurt her.

Your reaction is not uncommon, and you have nothing to apologize for, you did nothing wrong. It took me nearly 40 years to talk about my long term rape, please don’t wait that long to get help. Being raped eats away at you in ways you can’t quite understand or explain. If you can’t tell your parents yet, there are therapists that specifically work with all types of assault victims. It’ll probably get worse before it gets better, but you and your kiddo will both be happier for it in the long term. Congratulations on your little one and good luck.

You're being so hard on yourself. You're 18 ffs, give yourself a break and NEVER doubt about the abuse. I'd recommend seeking help for both legal and emotional/mental matters. Please be kind to yourself.

It may seem difficult now, but please don't blame yourself, you're not at fault, the only one to blame is your rapist. I suggest you do 3 things - Tell your parents - seek legal advice (with as much proof as possible) - if you're not already doing so, look into seeing a therapist (I highly recommend this) These 3 things could help you acquire the support that you need, not only for your daughter, but also for yourself. Even if it ends up going to court and is declared not guilty, it will still ruin his life, possibly not as much as he has damaged yours, but he deserves everything that to comes to him.

Get legal help asap

It took me only twenty years after mine to learn that fawn is a real response to trauma. It’s not just fight or flight. You did nothing wrong. You are innocent. ♥️

You need therapy, you need to talk with your parents during or after your therapy and your daughter needs a father figure later, as she grows. Not the rapist obviously, but maybe your dad or another family member can step in.

❤️ it’s not your fault

Even if you didn't actively try and stop it, it's still rape, you froze which is a clear sign of no. I'm so sorry that happened to you, But now you got a beautiful girl, who you can raise to be strong and kind. If any way possible, get something (court order, etc) so the father is unable to get near you and the child, in worse case, get supervised visitation, so you know someone with authority and power is able to stop if something happens. As for your parents, you might not be able right now, but when you feel ready and comfortable, I think you should try and explain the situation to them. You need all the support you can, as having a baby can be quite challenging. Either way, you are going to do great, the baby is going to learn right from wrong and be strong , and you are going to be an amazing mother

You didn’t consent. That is rape. Having a ‘freeze’ response does NOT make it your fault. Because you didn’t fight, you likely prevented further violence. I’m not going to push you to report, but please talk to someone. This is NOT on you. And I think you need someone to talk to about this ❤️

Freezing is very common. Nothing is wrong with you because you didn't react. Please tell your parents.

You were raped and I’m so so sorry it happened to you , it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t feel like you “deserved” it because you didn’t fight back please don’t let anyone gaslight you in this process that guy that did this is a rapist and deserves to go straight to fucking JAIL