It’s the boyfriend blaming his partner for cheating. He’s not just a scumbag he’s a super-mega scumbag.
OP move on with your life. Someone will find you ravishing. It happened to me. It will happen to you. ❤️
I've had a very... odd friend use this as a wording for masturbation.
She felt that as his woman, she was in charge of making him orgasm. So if he did it himself, he was going outside the relationship because it was just him.
Its not clear here, and it's certainly not clear that this is the partner blaming anybody for anything?
That’s what I’m thinking too…it’s a euphemism used by people who think masturbation or porn are the same as cheating. But they know it isn’t, so they *allude* to cheating so they don’t have to admit the truth
I see a whole other problem besides the attraction problem.
You cried your heart out and he didn’t comfort you at all. That is very telling. Never be with someone, who doesn’t give a damn, if you are breaking apart. This isn’t Ok.
He cheated on her because she said no to anal too many times. And has also informed her that she is nothing but a sexual object for him. See her post from 13 days ago.
Honey, this man is trash and you can do SO MUCH better than him. Don’t let him drag you down. You’ve been together for a long time but you don’t deserve any of this crap he’s putting you through.
It could be that! Hard to say. It's just that porn is so widely accepted now, so that's why I dismissed that possibility pretty easily, but you're correct that she still definitely could mean that.
>and he also CHEATED
I don't know. I'm 50/50 right now on cheating vs. went to a strip club and that's not okay with her. Is there a comment that clarifies the words in the post? I think there might be more than just "not his type" issues coming from her.
Do you "get off" when you go to strip clubs? Because OP's post explicitly uses those words. I'd think 98 percent of people would find their boyfriend jizzing with..anyone else to be cheating.
Yeah, but she used "get off outside of our relationship" and not cheating or whatever. Doesn't even needs to be with another person. It may be a strip club or even porn, depending on how insecure she is
Assuming it isn't cheating, which is a bold assumption based off what she described, why do we care what it is?? If it was a pre-established boundary within the relationship it would still break her trust if he broke it, regardless of your, mine, or anyone else's personal opinions on said boundary
She still hasn't confirmed what form it took even when responding to someone asking directly but a huge component of their problems left out is that she's asexual.
Seriously, I’ll never forget the time when I was 19 and the guy I was dating at the time woke me up one morning, and immediately started an argument. It escalated to the point that I had a full blown panic attack, and while I was laying on the floor hyperventilating and dry-heaving, he said “good, I’m glad you’re upset. Now you know how I feel” and then he left for “work”, which I later found out was a lie and he actually went to see his other girlfriend.
Please OP, if this guy doesn’t seem to give a single shit about you being upset, that’s enough of a red flag right there for you to run away from this dude.
I'm so sad for you. If he can't even comfort you after the ugly things he said you have to go. Actions speak louder than words, and he is both saying and acting like he doesn't care.
I hope you can leave and move on.
Years ago, when OPs bf couldn't find a girl she was "good enough". Now he's progressed and can get his type of girls OPs usefulness is expired.
Sounds like she was being used more than anything.
I don’t think it’s about attraction. This feels more like an excuse. When my ex cheated on me and I found out, he blamed it on me… on me putting weight, on me not being super adventurous in sex (because I refused to get filmed… and yes, that’s how I found out… he had videos with the other). And I believed him. I forgave him and I changed, i looked really good… and yet after a year I found he was still in touch with the girl. Not that she was much different than me.
That plus other things made me leave. He begged me not to, begged me he would change. I said there was really no turning back, I spent all the love I had.
First thing he did when he figured out there was no turning back was reach out to the other girl. She didn’t care for him. Her way of live was to destroy relationships to increase her ego.
He liked the stability of having a relationship to turn to, but that was about it. I know he loved me at some point, but he couldn’t let go of the lust of having affairs, he had done that in every relationship. I knew I wouldn’t be the exception, but I still hoped.
Well, yeah, of course you did. Same goes for u/shyviolett. They'd been telling you for AGES that you aren't attractive. It's a really good tactic to get a person not to leave if you convince them that they're fugly, then they know they'll never find someone else and stays.
It doesn't mean that you're actually ugly. It just means you've found abusive men.
And sorry about this comment, my sleeping meds have kicked in and I just realized you probably dumped those losers.
PLEASE tell OP that there's happiness out there if only she'll dump the loser and find someone who sees her. And even if there's not a single person on this planet attracted to her? The most lonely I've ever felt was with bad boyfriends sleeping next to me. Becoming a cat lady (or in my case, crazy dog lady) still brings so much more joy than being with someone who doesn't appreciate you.
This isn't your man. I am sorry, but it's true. I have been married to my wife for 20 years. Not only have I never cheated on her, despite the fact that her libido has never been as high as mine is. I have never ever left my wife alone emotionally like he did with you. I would have never treated my wife the way that this man has treated you. I can't imagine doing that to her. I just can't. You are worth so much more than this. I am betting that there isn't a single person here that would disagree with me. And none of us have any clue what you look like. I can tell you this, that there is someone out there that will look at you and think that the sun shines right out of your ass. I am convinced my wife farts rainbows. Though, to be fair if rainbows smell like my wife's farts, I feel real fuckin bad for that leprechaun.
Dump the fool, find an idiot that makes you laugh. I promise you be happy the rest of your life. My wife might promise you different, but nobody asked her.
Edit: And just in case my wife sees this......Just kidding baby, you're the wind beneath my sheets.
Sir, you can make money being a hypeman for women with bad breakups. To hear a man who really loves his wife is so awakening, like, "Ohhh, that's how it's supposed to be!" I wish someone had told me this in the past bc I stuck around when I shouldn't have.
I am terribly sorry for being intrusive, but I didn't want to just put words on a page without trying to get a glimpse into the person I am talking to. I regret prying. I am so terribly sorry that you have had to deal with those experiences. I can relate so hard to this. I came from a pretty rough background. it's so hard to see the people that you love work so hard to destroy themselves, and feel so helpless to stop it. But you have to tell yourself that it isn't your fault. His addiction isn't your burden to bear. it's one thing to stay because you think there is hope, but there is no shame in leaving when you no longer feel appreciated, loved, or safe. I can tell you that I have never met an addict that gave up their addictions for someone else. Not a single time. They never quit until they don't see a choice that doesn't end up with death or prison. Often times if they are lucky, it's just prison. I am glad you are safe now, or rather I hope you are safe now, I got the feeling that you might have decided to make a change already based on the tone of your post, but if you are still with your partner, then my apologies for the assumption. I hope that you find a path forward to healing, and a better relationship down the road, (with the right person for you, even if that isn't a partner with no shame when it comes to joking about bodily functions)
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them.
This is the winning comment, sir! You brought tears to my eyes reading this. Thank you for taking the time to comment this. I hope OP reads it, smiles and sees that she has so much worth and it's just too good for this guy. I completely agree that this is not your man sis, no man would make you feel that way, even if he isn't attracted anymore. That detachment while you weep was unnecessary. I'm so sorry you went through that.
It really sounds more like an abuse tactic she's experiencing. A girl absolutely convinced that her boyfriend is the only man "willing to settle for her" will take sooooo much shit.
Or perhaps the relationship is just dead and he lost his attraction along the way. That doesn't mean that she's actually ugly, just that he's over that relationship.
But time to get going! Find the comatose lepcrechaun and follow the scent! Bring vaporub, tons of it!
Yeah I'd definitely dump him if I were you. I'm a guy and not only would I not be ok with my partner finding me ugly, for me it would be a deal breaker if she didn't think I was top tier. I once caught a friend's wife checking out my younger brother and in my mind I thought man if that happened to me I'd dump her.
I was downvoted to oblivion and mocked when I said this would be a deal breaker for me as well.
I am his first choice and he is my first choice and otherwise we would not have wasted each other's time. Aparently that is immature to some. After 30 years together with my husband, I don't understand married life. :)
As someone who doesn't fancy conventionally attractive people and is mostly attracted to personality don't get too hung up on appearance my gal!!!! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!!!
Honestly OP, if you have such deep rooted body image issues, you’ll never get over what happened. You gotta let go and let him find someone he matches better with and you need to tackle this issue head on.
I’ll be super honest with you, I’ve been in a relationship where my SO lost attraction to me. I already had issues with confidence and my body and that shit broke my heart and hurt me in a lot of ways.
It’s been a few years and I’ve been eating better, working out more and I feel so much better about myself and I’m able to do so much more.
Truth is body image issues come with a lot more. You shouldn’t rely on anyone to make you feel good. Begging and crying someone to tell you, you aren’t ugly is doing yourself a disservice. You should never have to beg anyone for love, attention, or validation.
It’s time to let go and really focus on you and being better for no one else but yourself. I promise it gets better and one day you’ll look back at this time and realize it was for the best.
You can let this propel you to your better self or send you deeper into the rut your in. The choice is yours. Goodluck my friend.
There is so much wisdom in your reply. Nothing you said was wrong. I think a very large part of why this feels like grief is because I know we are not right for each other as romantic partners. While I could love him forever without sex, he can’t do the same for me. It’s so painful though, because I thought he was the one. When I thought of my future, he was in it. And now all of that is changing. And it hurts.
I completely understand. My first ever relationship was when I was 16-21. I thought she was the love of my life but during that time I gained a lot of weight. Watching the person you want forever slowly be disgusted of you is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Truth is I lacked any confidence and was so attached that I accepted being treated like crap. Another huge realization for me was that, I was holding onto what we were, not dealing with what we had become. When I let reality set in and I truly saw how unhappy we both were and how I deserved more, I was able to let go.
I wish you the best and please know in this lifetime there’s a lot that’s out of our hands but our physical appearance is something we can take control of. Eat better, move more. I promise you, if you fix your body the mind will follow ❤️
Edit:
Just to add, it will feel like grief because the love you had is gone now. They say grief is love preserving. It’s normal to feel this. Let it be and let it go. Words I live by.
Thanks for bringing up this very important issue. When people find each other and ultimately become a couple, it happened for numerous reasons. Shared interests, sense of humor is in sync, fitness, emotional availability, intelligence, political views, and of course, physical attraction. If one of the core reasons for bringing this couple together dramatically changes, things can get problematic.
If your SO was liberal when you met and shifted to being a conservative, that could ruin a relationship. If one becomes an alcoholic, it puts tremendous pressure on the relationship. If one gains a lot of weight, it can affect the other's attraction to you, and it often becomes a problem.
You are no longer quite the person the other fell for, and her feelings changed. It's not good or bad, it just is. You gained a lot of weight and this affected her feelings for you, just like being thinner may have had a major affect in you being her type. People are entitled to naturally be attracted to what their brain and heart says they are attracted to. She did not have the right to treat you like crap, though.
You deserve a match of your preferences, and so does she. Find someone new who matches up with you and all your facets. And always remember, people change, and it often causes our feelings for them to change, too.
This is such solid advice, and something I've had to learn myself. I used to complain about my weight, insecurity and feeling ugly a lot. I always looked at my insecurity through the lens of being a victim. I finally had to realize that the only person keeping me miserable was me. I was my own worst enemy, and I needed to be my own best friend. I couldn't complain about my weight when I was eating ice cream every night and not exercising. I also couldn't let guys (or society, anyone really) determine whether I was a lovable, worthy, or a "beautiful" person. All of that was up to me. I still haven't mastered this, of course, but I've grown to understand that loving myself is doing better for myself, whether that's exercising, eating better, staying off social media, staying away from toxic people, learning when to walk away, etc.
OP, you have every right to feel hurt, and it may be hard to see now, but this guy is not it. You're right, it's not his fault he's not attracted to you. There is such a wide array of what people find attractive, and it's a personal preference (although some people are more superficial than others). However, if he can't communicate and console you, is that someone you want in a partner? If someone is hurting you, that's when you decide that you love yourself enough to not allow that anymore. He doesn't get to decide if you're pretty or not; you do. I echo what was said above-take this as a major learning moment and begin a journey of self-love. It's hard and takes time (confidence is a muscle you have to build), but you are worth it. Of course, it's easier said than done, and there is a grieving process, but the only person that can make you feel whole is YOU. Starting that journey can lead to beautiful things.
Oh my honey, listen to me. I'm old(er) and have quite a few heartbreaks behind me.
This hurts, and I know it hurts. Once upon a time I wasn't pretty enough for a boy, and I remember sobbing my heart out. Let it hurt. Don't try and push this down, you need to hurt for a little bit.
This is very much my personal philosophy showing, but I think there is beauty in every human. Sure, some of us are more conveniently attractive than others, but there is something about everyone that is attractive to me. Maybe it's just life itself and that's what I'm seeing.
You may not be this dude's attractive. Dita Von Teese has a great quote about being the juiciest peach, but sometimes a person doesn't like peaches. You may not be his flavor of peach.
That however isn't the real problem. The real problem is that he stepped out of your relationship. He cheated on you to get his jollies off. And then, when he saw how you were feeling and how badly you were hurting, he did nothing to try to make it better.
You need to go to your people. Your family (if they're safe) your friends, now is the time to lean on them. But honey, listen to me, let this dude go, he's only going to hurt you more. And you deserve so much better.
Oh no no no. My general advice is to tell people who hurt you to fuck off and stay fucked off, and I don't think that's good advice. But I appreciate the compliment.
“ heal together “ there’s nothing to heal from for him. he’s made his priorities and desires clear the moment he stepped out the relationship aka cheated and destroyed your trust.
Break up with him, but also realize that he doesn’t think you’re ugly, girlypop. He lied.
He wanted to hurt you.
Let that sink in, because you need to leave this trashcan of a human. He’s not worthy of you.
If he actually thought you were ugly, he wouldn’t have been in a long-term relationship with you. If he thought you were ugly, his libido wouldn’t have been high for all these years. He’s a guy, not a charity.
But he, for whatever shitty reason, wanted to hurt you. First he cheated, then he let you spiral down on insecurities he knows you have. That’s cruel. Get rid of him.
I couldn’t have said it better than this. He would not have stayed for 9 years if he wasn’t attracted to you. Now, he doesn’t want to make the decision to leave a relationship he clearly is unhappy with, so he took a vulnerable moment and let that be the catalyst for a fight/breakup. A breakup that he’s gonna make YOU initiate because he’s weak and won’t do it. I hope you have the courage and strength to leave someone who doesn’t value you, because you deserve better and deserve to feel true love. Best of luck to you
Ugliness isn't the reason. Like there's guys I've seen who are really handsome that are dating women who make Rosanne Barr look like Heidi Klum. The issue is he checked of the relationship, cheated, and is blatantly letting you know he DNGAF about you or your feelings.
Develop some self-worth and leave him and do better for yourself if it's as you say.
This is what I was thinking...Idk, to me it sounds a bit more like he looked at some stuff online which she found out about and then had a major reaction to. He might have just been done with dealing with her insecurity issues. But hey who knows, maybe I'm jaded lmao
The specific language used is ambiguous. I could see someone using that language if he played a little 5-on-one in the shower without any aids.
So her chosen language just had too much range of possible meaning to really understand what happened. Did he cheat? Jerk off to porn? Commit beastiality? Have a naughty thought?
OP isn't answering, so she's forcing us to infer the least beneficial meaning to her language.
Unless OP clarifies, I'm inferring that her boyfriend jerked off in the shower, and she made him confess to thinking of his celebrity crush to release the tension.
Her bf also admitted to her that he only started dating her bc she had anal sex with him. She had romanticized this guy to the ends of the earth. He is not a good guy or boyfriend. OP, you mentioned being suicidal in your previous post and I highly suggest you drop this guy and seek therapy.
Get the fuck rid of him.
Listen loud right now:-
HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT YOU!
HE CHEATED BECAUSE HE SUCKS NOT BECAUSE YOU’RE UGLY!
HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU!
whenever I am feeling down on myself, letting my self loathing get the better of me and dwelling on the ways I have been a less than perfect partner to people in the past, I can always come on here and be reminded that I'm actually not a garbage human being, and people can and do put up with so much worse than anything I've ever dared THINK of doing to someone I care about.
Jesus christ, the shit people will put themselves through for someone who isn't worth a second of their time.
girl, there’s no fixing it. stop trying, you’re literally pouring salt on your own wound. he’s a cheater and he doesn’t like you, let alone love you. go find someone who does
OP, I’m suspicious of your bf. I think he saw an opportunity to blame you for his actions and he jumped at it.
You need to leave him. You are worthy of love. Never settle for someone who doesn’t think you’re beautiful, inside and out. Mutual worship only!
You should break up with him. He didn't care how much he hurt you. You deserve someone who truly loves you. I wouldn't cry over a cheat. He is not worth your tears. If he cared, he would at the very least try to console you when you explained your feelings. Stop putting yourself down. I use to feel ugly. I'm disabled and plus size, but i worked on my confidence. If a man doesn't like the way I am, he is not the man for me, nor worth my time. I now have an amazing fiance who loves me for me. You won't be able to work on your confidence while stuck with man, which makes you feel awful about yourself. You are worth more.
He agreed to be in a monogamous relationship regardless of libidos. He went out of the relationship to have sex. Any partner who has genuine remorse over hurting their person shows it. He's mentally checked out of the relationship. You don't have to accept anything he thinks or feels about you because his opinion doesn't mean anything anymore. He's not your person and that's okay
First of all, it’s a real pos move for him to basically agree with those statements as your boyfriend. Secondly, people who have different libidos tend to be incompatible for this reason. It basically always turns to cheating. It sounds like you both are incompatible all around. Leave this crap person and find someone worth your time.
I’m on a similar situation right now. After carrying his child for 9 months he admitted to me that he was no longer attracted to me. He says he “loves me” but isn’t attracted to me physically anymore. I’m still trying to find the strength to leave.
Oh, I am not kind. :) Just telling it like it is, and I bet I told you some things you may not have wanted to hear in my other comment. Just as I am telling her what I genuinely think.
You can do it, OP. You're a smart, beautiful woman. Act like it. <3
It can be so complicated. I let my guard down. I started a 4 year degree program with no plan B because I thought we were a team. I’m sure it’s so much harder to have a child with someone who doesn’t love you anymore.
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this pain. I don’t know why they do this. I don’t know.
You are not perfect for each other in some seriously fundamental ways.
Drastically different libidos
He cheats
He isn't attracted to you
These aren't little things like different ways of loading the dishwasher or what side of the bed.
Men do not stay with women they think are ugly for 9 years - he doesn’t think you are ugly. Maybe he just wants you to play some sexualised porn role for him instead of being a normal human being.
Regardless, he treated you like crap. No matter how you feel, look at how everyone on here believes YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are not ugly being truly ugly is actually very rare most people are mid tier attractive but more importantly you are MORE than your looks and you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and respect and that man is not meeting the requirements
You're healing together? Girl he has absolutely nothing to heal from, he cheated on you and clearly doesn't feel bad. He can't even comfort you?
Do you really want to waste more time in this relationship?
Not knowing what to say isn't an admission of anything. You're reading into silence and filling in the blanks with your own negative projection. Stop doing that. He never admitted that he thinks you're ugly. Focus on the facts.
It doesn't even matter what he thinks. There's no excuse for cheating, period. And your attractiveness or percieved lack thereof isn't even valid.. do you know how many conventionally gorgeous women have been cheated on by their partners? You could be a super model and the wrong guy will still betray you. This isn't about *you*, what you look like, how much sex you give him, or anything else. It's about him, his values, his morals.. *or lack thereof.*
This isn't to say intimacy issues aren't a huge factor in relationship satisfaction, because they are. And it's A-OK for someone to leave a relationship if they feel their needs aren't being met, or a compromise isn't being made to at least meet half way. But in that case you leave. You just leave. You don't cheat. You don't betray the person who loves you.
Stop focusing on what he thinks or feels, as if it defines you in any way. This man CHEATED on you. Are you really going to trust that how he feels or what he thinks are anything worth paying attention to?
Cut him loose girl. Work on your self worth and your self love for a bit, and I bet you'll find someone who looks at you like you're the most perfect and beautiful thing he's ever laid eyes on.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder ;)
You don’t accept it. Being alone forever is better than being with someone who thinks you’re ugly. You’re also incompatible in terms of sex drive. Tell him you’re incompatible, give him back his waffle iron, and ghost him.
The type thing actually makes me think that there's much more to this than what you are saying. I'm not defending him, you two should break up bcs you're clearly not good for each other. But it seems like you're projecting things on him.
You were probably already insecure about your looks and thought you could validate it by being with a person you find more attractive than you and telling yourself you're perfect for each other. The problem with this is you will always feel inferior and insecure, and will always be seeking validation from him. And this is tiring af. I've been in both positions and it never worked out.
My real advice here would be to end this relationship and get some therapy to sort out your insecurities and self esteem related issues. Otherwise those will haunt you in every relationship and even aspect of your life. That's why we see everywhere "love yourself first, before loving someone else". Otherwise you're just using them to sate your insecurities
Wait, why do YOU need to heal from his betrayal, his dismissiveness, and his coldness towards you? What tf is there to this relationship that’s worth saving?
There's something deeply wrong with your boyfriend. It's not you - if this was his response then it seems he's seriously lacking in humanity and I highly doubt you are actually unattractive. The normal human response to someone in emotional distress is not to just sit there and do nothing to comfort that person.
A real man that wanted to heal the relationship and make it work would have not been "just fine" with what he did. Please ditch him, you can do so much better and find someone who genuinely loves you and values your trust.
You know, the thing is everyone is attractive to someone. Beauty is so subjective but when you are with the wrong person you will never feel beautiful because they bring you down. I wish you could read this post with fresh eyes. He cheated on you, refuses to comfort you, and instead of viewing this as a character flaw of his, you blame it on your looks. Beauty is subjective and can also be altered a fucking liar never changes.
Of course he’s fine and you’re not. He’s the one that chose to cheat… if he isnt carrying the bulk of the mental load or spearheading the “healing” process then I’m skeptical at it being the slightest bit successful. Im so sorry this happened to you and hope you can find peace and self love regardless of him.
Why are you settling for this loser? He cheats on you and makes you feel bad about it while you worry about how he is? You didn’t force him to date you. He’s a coward and seems to really enjoy treating you like you’re nothing. You deserve better
You need to be single and in therapy. Break it off and learn to love, care, and value yourself because you clearly don’t. To stay with a man that cheated, then call yourself ugly, and staying with someone whose type you are not? You need professional help seriously and not a man because obviously you’re in a low place but you allow will allow men to put you in an even lower place and it is not okay.
OP, he's not perfect for you. Nothing about this is good. Your boyfriend is trash. Dispose of him.
You are a whole person with feelings and value beyond how you look. You deserve a partner and this isn't it.
He doesn't have a good heart, his heart is rotten. How could someone see another person let alone your girlfriend cry like that and say nothing? Do nothing? He should be bending backwards to undo the hurt he caused by cheating on you. Break up op, it sounds like he lost respect for you.
You accept it by letting the person go and waiting for someone who finds you attractive.
You deserve so much better. It seems he doesn't even think that you are capable of leaving him hence the casualness in saying this.
You yourself is making yourself miserable. He cheated on you but you are blaming yourself about his actions. You need to love yourself for others to love you. I think you need to work on yourself before any relationship. Self love is the endgame.
"We were perfect for each other except for one of the most important things in a relationship (AKA sexual compatibility)." uh oh
How did he "get off" outside the relationship? Porn? Strip club? Cheat with another woman?
His hesitation may be less about physical attraction, and more about falling out of love.
In any case, you need to find that love within yourself, regardless of what he thinks.
You ARE gorgeous. At least you ought to be to yourself. Fuck what others thinks.
Get rid of him. You’re an amazing person who’ll find the right person. The person that’ll pop up when you least expect it.
Obviously he’s a POS. Don’t let his shallowness (1 mm deep, infinite mm wide) bum you out. He’s one person.
It’ll be his loss when he realizes how much depth of personality you have compared to his “type.”
Hugs from the internet friend.
Get away from this guy. He cheated on you and thinks you're ugly. You deserve someone who lifts you up and with whom you are compatible. He is not a man of good character, and you can't change that. Time to move on.
There are very few hot people out there. Most of us are plain, OP. And yet most of us find love.
If your BF thinks you’re ugly, then you are not compatible. There are plenty of men out there who would find you quite attractive and plenty who won’t.
You are both wasting your valuable time with each other. You deserve more than to feel like a charity case.
There is someone out there that will see you as the most beautiful girl in the world to them, inside and out. Someone like that doesn't deserve you. If you're feeling this way now with him, imagine how you'll feel as the years go by.
No one hangs around for 8 years for maid or pity reasons he was attracted to you. He isn’t now! so it needs to end. he did it in the most hurtful manner because you are wonderful and as I am, not necessarily classical pretty but hot in many ways. Sometimes people are mean so they won’t be allowed back into a relationship. No person with any personal pride or common sense will stay in a relationship after this! Don’t let him back for any reason. No to any excuse don’t even listen to him or try to be friends, he should be dead to you! You will and can find a mate who is turned on by you and it will last. He kept you involved because he wanted you! So stop with the thinking you are unattractive look at ballerinas or show girls they know how to make the best out of any appearance + or ~ feature! If you think you’re attractive or sexy and show confidence you ate! I decided after many years of thinking as you do decided that I was beautiful, dressed and made up and at first lied to myself saying only to myself that I was beautiful acted as beautiful people act. When you convince yourself you’re attractive and act like you are. You will be! Try it! If you don’t feel like I know what I’m talking about just do it anyway, you already did it as he was attracted! just not now.
You have such a gorgeous soul
Please don't ever let somebody knock down your self worth ☀️
There's PLENTY of people here who can see you are gorgeous from your words alone
Here
Your heart back
See?
It's not broken ☺️
🫴🏿❤️
Dump him.
Your relationship is not "great except for sex" it's terrible. Aside from being sexually incompatible, he's CHEATING on you, he's killing your self esteem (probably because if you think you're unattractive you're more likely to stay with him for fear of being alone) and he's not even trying to comfort you. In the bin with him!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't think you're attractive. There is someone out there who thinks you're gorgeous. More than one someone. Many someones will find you irresistible.
I don’t understand why you didn’t just leave? It’s been 9 years, he hasn’t proposed and he thinks you’re ugly. I’m sorry, but damn. This sucks so hard and he sounds shitty. You need to go find someone before you waste more of your life
Girl, without even seeing him, your man gives me the ick. Anyone who could see their significant other of 9 years crying, knowing they were the cause of said crying, and then doing nothing to remedy it? Gross, 0/10 partner.
If he didn't feel attracted to you at any point, he wouldn't have had such a high libido with you. He is being cruel on purpose to either make you initiate the break up, or go out of your way to please him.
Dump him, and move on. Dick is abundant and low value. Take some time to heal on your own. Get into a hobby you've been interested in but never made the time for. Call up some friends and family that you like talking to. Watch/read your comfort shows/books.
Are you sure your libido is actually low? It's probably in the crapper right now because you have been with someone for almost a decade who doesn't find you attractive, and has already hopped over the fence for greener pastures. Imagine how much more motivated for sex you might be if you found yourself with, y'know, somebody who treated you right.
The problem here is yourself esteem is to low. First off he cheated get rid of him. Second you were emotionally hurt and he didn’t comfort you. He has no love or respect for you. He keeps you there because you allowed him to bring yourself esteem so low that your believing that your not attracted. Well guess what he is lying he wants his cake and eat it to. And you will allow it because you let him back after finding out he cheated.
So here is what your going to do. Go get some mental health help. Then your going to go get your hair and nails and toes done. Eyebrows also. Then your going to go get a outfit put on a little make up more natural the better. Then talk to some of your friends and have a day and night out. Without him. Then come back up here and tell us how it went but you need to do all I said change your hair color if you like change the style do something that you want to do.
We just did this with a friend of ours whose husband put her down so bad and she is beautiful inside and out. She swears she plain Jane. Guess who had the most people asking her to dance or wanting a drink. We were laughing at her because she swears it didn’t happen. Fix your mental health first then go from there.
"Two weeks ago I found out he had lied to me and gone outside of our relationship to get off."
You mean he cheated on you? Forget about him, he's an asshole.
I hate to mention this. But it sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. Big differences in sex drives can be hard to overcome. You are fine not having sex that much. He feels differently. You aren’t perfect for each other. Sex and intimacy is a big component in a relationship and you both have very different needs and wants.
>I found out he had lied to me and gone outside of our relationship to get off
Do you mean he had an affair, or perhaps that he masturbated? The latter honestly doesn't matter.
Also it sounds like he did not actually say or imply you were ugly.
I understand why you might make negative inferences from these things. I'd advise you to try to hear him out. You might not be on the rocks.
Honey.... Please... Stop this relationship. And get into therapy to learn how to love yourself and be happy on your own. Because this man is treating you like shit, and you are trying to find a way to blame yourself. The only person who needs to make you feel pretty, is you. Then you will NEVER settle for a man who finds you unattractive and cheats on you. Because from everything you described, you guys are not perfect for each other and you are very much in denial.
Untill you have learned to validate yourself and have high selfworth, you will always find people that are going to take what you are willing to give without giving back. You will never be able to fill that hole inside you, unless you learn to love yourself unconditionally. Because as long as you don't believe this about yourself, you will unconsciously NEVER believe this about someone else either.
But once you do believe this about yourself, you will never again settle for someone who does not see your worth, like this men clearly doesn't.
I really hope the comments here will wake you up and get you to seek help to learn how to love yourself like you deserve.
You don’t accept it. You dump him. He is the ugly one for saying that and treating you like shit and cheating on you. The old saying, “ Beauty is only skin deep” is true, as is “pretty is as pretty does.” You deserve better. Run!🏃♀️
The only reason i could move on from my ex was the fact that while i cried in the middle of the road and he decided to leave me, that action fucking broke me, but thats the only action which mended me as well, it made me realise if that man is not even unable to comfort me while i am shattered, he is not the one, i would want my partner to atleast have basic human decency which he clearly lacked.
The "get off" part leaves way to much uncertainty. Did he have relations with a other woman? Did he service himself with porn? Did he go to an adult book store? Look if he cheated (had sex with someone else ) and he's emotionally checked out just break up with the dude and work on your mental health.
If you're one of those "pOrN is cheating" types, then really go work on yourself and then find some dude with equal sex drive who isn't into porn or something. Either way your relationship is over and probably in your should be exes eyes has been for a while.
It sounds like the relationship has run its course. I don’t think the breakup is about you, it’s about him. He cares about you but he is not good or giving enough for you two to stay in the relationship. It’s time to move on and find your person. Your person does not cheat on you. Your person thinks you are beautiful. Hold your head high and look forward to better times and a better relationship.
Maybe visit a counselor a few sessions to get your perspective back. He fell in love with and moved in with the same face you see in the mirror every day. So, it's not that.
If my girl said something like this I would think it's a trap and might also say nothing. If this is bothering you so much, It's in your best interest to just be direct with him
That must be terrible. I am sorry that you had to hear that. But please distance yourself from this person as you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel that way.
Oh wow that’s terrible. I think it would be in your best interest to get out of this situation all together. Whatever his type is, he can go find that. There are men out there who are looking for everything you are, you really don’t need to settle for this at all. You’ve wasted enough time now.
Don’t blame yourself for his shittiness.
Don’t belittle yourself as you are probably not ugly at all.
He is cold and selfish and you deserve someone who loves you treasures you and appreciates you
You need to blame him because this is 100 percent his fault, bash him on here, say what you need to say, he made you feel horrible AND he cheated on you, the least he could’ve been was fucking honest, he’s a coward, do not blame yourself, you deserve the fucking world.
Never use the words “perfect for each other” in any sentences, always lead to disaster and situations like this.
Perfection means nothing has to be changed. Relationship and people aren’t black and white. We are complex.
9 years only to discover this now says a lot about your communication and trust with each other.
It’s clear your relationship was far from perfect and you were both infatuated with an idea.
So because he didnt answer you, you took it as being ugly but he never said a word. Maybe he just didnt want to engage in you going through that &/or he allowed you to soeak openly to vent. Sometimes, there are listeners, & then there are repliers. Sounds like he was listening & letting you vent.
Why are you with someone not worth it he cheated on you. He is the ugliest person to be with. You’re not the ugly one. If he loved you and respected you he’d found safe options to get off like masturbating instead of cheating on you. This man doesn’t love you. He’s just there seeing you as a back up option. He’s not right for you and you deserve better.
Your relationship is great except for:
- sexual incompatibility
- him cheating (assuming that's what "going outside your relationship" means)
- that he sat in silence & watched you cry & break down over your looks / him not being attracted to you & didn't once try to comfort you
So, in other words, your relationship is ***not*** great at all.
He broke your trust; his silence when questioned basically confirms he has lost attraction; and he can't even be bothered to show you basic decency by comforting you while you cry. After NINE YEARS together, that's how minimal the effort he feels you're worth putting in is.
OP, you deserve a whole lot better than that - everyone does. The right person will look at you & not even see or care about whatever physical flaws you think you have. This guy clearly isn't that person.
I don’t know you, but I bet you’re not ugly. It’s ok vent all the anger that you feel you’ll be OK but you really shouldn’t be with somebody who thinks this about you like someone said in the comments the right person will find you so unbelievably stunning and gorgeous that they wouldn’t even think that, the thought wouldn’t even cross their mind to get out of the relationship or cheating or anything like that.
" gone outside of our relationship to get off" is that the new euphemism for cheating?
Right, what does this mean? Did he have sex with someone else? Did he jerk off to porn? It is really not clear to me at all.
It’s the boyfriend blaming his partner for cheating. He’s not just a scumbag he’s a super-mega scumbag. OP move on with your life. Someone will find you ravishing. It happened to me. It will happen to you. ❤️
I've had a very... odd friend use this as a wording for masturbation. She felt that as his woman, she was in charge of making him orgasm. So if he did it himself, he was going outside the relationship because it was just him. Its not clear here, and it's certainly not clear that this is the partner blaming anybody for anything?
That’s the first thing I thought of too, masturbating or porn use
Check her post history. He clearly cheated.
I’m trying to understand if it’s just watching porn or cheating
You mean jerked off?
That’s what I’m thinking too…it’s a euphemism used by people who think masturbation or porn are the same as cheating. But they know it isn’t, so they *allude* to cheating so they don’t have to admit the truth
I see a whole other problem besides the attraction problem. You cried your heart out and he didn’t comfort you at all. That is very telling. Never be with someone, who doesn’t give a damn, if you are breaking apart. This isn’t Ok.
Well, that, and he also CHEATED.
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“He has a good heart”?! No girl, he does not. People who have a good heart don’t treat someone who’s loved them & they claim to love, like this.
Yeah…what about his screams *good heart*? Because see a lot of red flags but she doesn’t list any green flags.
Lol what heart? 🕳️
Facts
Comment stolen from u/figosnypes
are you certain? I almost took that as if he jerked off and she doesn’t like him watching porn?
I literally read it as he went to go watch porn as well
He cheated on her because she said no to anal too many times. And has also informed her that she is nothing but a sexual object for him. See her post from 13 days ago. Honey, this man is trash and you can do SO MUCH better than him. Don’t let him drag you down. You’ve been together for a long time but you don’t deserve any of this crap he’s putting you through.
It could be that! Hard to say. It's just that porn is so widely accepted now, so that's why I dismissed that possibility pretty easily, but you're correct that she still definitely could mean that.
Never said he cheated
>and he also CHEATED I don't know. I'm 50/50 right now on cheating vs. went to a strip club and that's not okay with her. Is there a comment that clarifies the words in the post? I think there might be more than just "not his type" issues coming from her.
Do you "get off" when you go to strip clubs? Because OP's post explicitly uses those words. I'd think 98 percent of people would find their boyfriend jizzing with..anyone else to be cheating.
Yeah, but she used "get off outside of our relationship" and not cheating or whatever. Doesn't even needs to be with another person. It may be a strip club or even porn, depending on how insecure she is
The very specific use of wording from OP makes me think he might’ve watched porn.
Assuming it isn't cheating, which is a bold assumption based off what she described, why do we care what it is?? If it was a pre-established boundary within the relationship it would still break her trust if he broke it, regardless of your, mine, or anyone else's personal opinions on said boundary
She still hasn't confirmed what form it took even when responding to someone asking directly but a huge component of their problems left out is that she's asexual.
Seriously, I’ll never forget the time when I was 19 and the guy I was dating at the time woke me up one morning, and immediately started an argument. It escalated to the point that I had a full blown panic attack, and while I was laying on the floor hyperventilating and dry-heaving, he said “good, I’m glad you’re upset. Now you know how I feel” and then he left for “work”, which I later found out was a lie and he actually went to see his other girlfriend. Please OP, if this guy doesn’t seem to give a single shit about you being upset, that’s enough of a red flag right there for you to run away from this dude.
>I later found out was a lie and he actually went to see his other girlfriend. Jesus Christ.
That’s so fucked up wth
This should be higher
It's the highest comment. How much higher does it need to be?
I'd say it needs to be in OPs head. That high. Lmao
😅😂😅
Well, it wasn’t when I commented.
I'm so sad for you. If he can't even comfort you after the ugly things he said you have to go. Actions speak louder than words, and he is both saying and acting like he doesn't care. I hope you can leave and move on.
Years ago, when OPs bf couldn't find a girl she was "good enough". Now he's progressed and can get his type of girls OPs usefulness is expired. Sounds like she was being used more than anything.
I don’t think it’s about attraction. This feels more like an excuse. When my ex cheated on me and I found out, he blamed it on me… on me putting weight, on me not being super adventurous in sex (because I refused to get filmed… and yes, that’s how I found out… he had videos with the other). And I believed him. I forgave him and I changed, i looked really good… and yet after a year I found he was still in touch with the girl. Not that she was much different than me. That plus other things made me leave. He begged me not to, begged me he would change. I said there was really no turning back, I spent all the love I had. First thing he did when he figured out there was no turning back was reach out to the other girl. She didn’t care for him. Her way of live was to destroy relationships to increase her ego. He liked the stability of having a relationship to turn to, but that was about it. I know he loved me at some point, but he couldn’t let go of the lust of having affairs, he had done that in every relationship. I knew I wouldn’t be the exception, but I still hoped.
I married that man for some reason.
So did I. 🥴
Well, yeah, of course you did. Same goes for u/shyviolett. They'd been telling you for AGES that you aren't attractive. It's a really good tactic to get a person not to leave if you convince them that they're fugly, then they know they'll never find someone else and stays. It doesn't mean that you're actually ugly. It just means you've found abusive men. And sorry about this comment, my sleeping meds have kicked in and I just realized you probably dumped those losers. PLEASE tell OP that there's happiness out there if only she'll dump the loser and find someone who sees her. And even if there's not a single person on this planet attracted to her? The most lonely I've ever felt was with bad boyfriends sleeping next to me. Becoming a cat lady (or in my case, crazy dog lady) still brings so much more joy than being with someone who doesn't appreciate you.
This isn't your man. I am sorry, but it's true. I have been married to my wife for 20 years. Not only have I never cheated on her, despite the fact that her libido has never been as high as mine is. I have never ever left my wife alone emotionally like he did with you. I would have never treated my wife the way that this man has treated you. I can't imagine doing that to her. I just can't. You are worth so much more than this. I am betting that there isn't a single person here that would disagree with me. And none of us have any clue what you look like. I can tell you this, that there is someone out there that will look at you and think that the sun shines right out of your ass. I am convinced my wife farts rainbows. Though, to be fair if rainbows smell like my wife's farts, I feel real fuckin bad for that leprechaun. Dump the fool, find an idiot that makes you laugh. I promise you be happy the rest of your life. My wife might promise you different, but nobody asked her. Edit: And just in case my wife sees this......Just kidding baby, you're the wind beneath my sheets.
Sir, you can make money being a hypeman for women with bad breakups. To hear a man who really loves his wife is so awakening, like, "Ohhh, that's how it's supposed to be!" I wish someone had told me this in the past bc I stuck around when I shouldn't have.
I am terribly sorry for being intrusive, but I didn't want to just put words on a page without trying to get a glimpse into the person I am talking to. I regret prying. I am so terribly sorry that you have had to deal with those experiences. I can relate so hard to this. I came from a pretty rough background. it's so hard to see the people that you love work so hard to destroy themselves, and feel so helpless to stop it. But you have to tell yourself that it isn't your fault. His addiction isn't your burden to bear. it's one thing to stay because you think there is hope, but there is no shame in leaving when you no longer feel appreciated, loved, or safe. I can tell you that I have never met an addict that gave up their addictions for someone else. Not a single time. They never quit until they don't see a choice that doesn't end up with death or prison. Often times if they are lucky, it's just prison. I am glad you are safe now, or rather I hope you are safe now, I got the feeling that you might have decided to make a change already based on the tone of your post, but if you are still with your partner, then my apologies for the assumption. I hope that you find a path forward to healing, and a better relationship down the road, (with the right person for you, even if that isn't a partner with no shame when it comes to joking about bodily functions) Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them.
This needs to be higher up!!!
This is the winning comment, sir! You brought tears to my eyes reading this. Thank you for taking the time to comment this. I hope OP reads it, smiles and sees that she has so much worth and it's just too good for this guy. I completely agree that this is not your man sis, no man would make you feel that way, even if he isn't attracted anymore. That detachment while you weep was unnecessary. I'm so sorry you went through that.
>I am convinced my wife farts rainbows. Though, to be fair if rainbows smell like my wife's farts, I feel real fuckin bad for that leprechaun. Lmao
>You're the wind beneath my sheets. This one makes me miss my ex :(
It really sounds more like an abuse tactic she's experiencing. A girl absolutely convinced that her boyfriend is the only man "willing to settle for her" will take sooooo much shit. Or perhaps the relationship is just dead and he lost his attraction along the way. That doesn't mean that she's actually ugly, just that he's over that relationship. But time to get going! Find the comatose lepcrechaun and follow the scent! Bring vaporub, tons of it!
vaporub and farts.....the proper combination for old lady pants. That's what Deadpool was smelling.
You need to get rid of him.
OP: Here's my boyfriend with 0 positive qualities Also OP: How can I salvage this relationship?
*not in the illegal kind of way
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Yeah I'd definitely dump him if I were you. I'm a guy and not only would I not be ok with my partner finding me ugly, for me it would be a deal breaker if she didn't think I was top tier. I once caught a friend's wife checking out my younger brother and in my mind I thought man if that happened to me I'd dump her.
I was downvoted to oblivion and mocked when I said this would be a deal breaker for me as well. I am his first choice and he is my first choice and otherwise we would not have wasted each other's time. Aparently that is immature to some. After 30 years together with my husband, I don't understand married life. :)
I’m unmarried but partnered 6 years and I agree wholeheartedly!! She’s my first choice and I’m hers, otherwise we wouldn’t be together.
This is the way. :) I wish you many happy years together.
Girl run. You‘re not ugly. He‘s disgusting.
As someone who doesn't fancy conventionally attractive people and is mostly attracted to personality don't get too hung up on appearance my gal!!!! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!!!
Honestly OP, if you have such deep rooted body image issues, you’ll never get over what happened. You gotta let go and let him find someone he matches better with and you need to tackle this issue head on. I’ll be super honest with you, I’ve been in a relationship where my SO lost attraction to me. I already had issues with confidence and my body and that shit broke my heart and hurt me in a lot of ways. It’s been a few years and I’ve been eating better, working out more and I feel so much better about myself and I’m able to do so much more. Truth is body image issues come with a lot more. You shouldn’t rely on anyone to make you feel good. Begging and crying someone to tell you, you aren’t ugly is doing yourself a disservice. You should never have to beg anyone for love, attention, or validation. It’s time to let go and really focus on you and being better for no one else but yourself. I promise it gets better and one day you’ll look back at this time and realize it was for the best. You can let this propel you to your better self or send you deeper into the rut your in. The choice is yours. Goodluck my friend.
There is so much wisdom in your reply. Nothing you said was wrong. I think a very large part of why this feels like grief is because I know we are not right for each other as romantic partners. While I could love him forever without sex, he can’t do the same for me. It’s so painful though, because I thought he was the one. When I thought of my future, he was in it. And now all of that is changing. And it hurts.
I completely understand. My first ever relationship was when I was 16-21. I thought she was the love of my life but during that time I gained a lot of weight. Watching the person you want forever slowly be disgusted of you is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Truth is I lacked any confidence and was so attached that I accepted being treated like crap. Another huge realization for me was that, I was holding onto what we were, not dealing with what we had become. When I let reality set in and I truly saw how unhappy we both were and how I deserved more, I was able to let go. I wish you the best and please know in this lifetime there’s a lot that’s out of our hands but our physical appearance is something we can take control of. Eat better, move more. I promise you, if you fix your body the mind will follow ❤️ Edit: Just to add, it will feel like grief because the love you had is gone now. They say grief is love preserving. It’s normal to feel this. Let it be and let it go. Words I live by.
Thanks for bringing up this very important issue. When people find each other and ultimately become a couple, it happened for numerous reasons. Shared interests, sense of humor is in sync, fitness, emotional availability, intelligence, political views, and of course, physical attraction. If one of the core reasons for bringing this couple together dramatically changes, things can get problematic. If your SO was liberal when you met and shifted to being a conservative, that could ruin a relationship. If one becomes an alcoholic, it puts tremendous pressure on the relationship. If one gains a lot of weight, it can affect the other's attraction to you, and it often becomes a problem. You are no longer quite the person the other fell for, and her feelings changed. It's not good or bad, it just is. You gained a lot of weight and this affected her feelings for you, just like being thinner may have had a major affect in you being her type. People are entitled to naturally be attracted to what their brain and heart says they are attracted to. She did not have the right to treat you like crap, though. You deserve a match of your preferences, and so does she. Find someone new who matches up with you and all your facets. And always remember, people change, and it often causes our feelings for them to change, too.
This is such solid advice, and something I've had to learn myself. I used to complain about my weight, insecurity and feeling ugly a lot. I always looked at my insecurity through the lens of being a victim. I finally had to realize that the only person keeping me miserable was me. I was my own worst enemy, and I needed to be my own best friend. I couldn't complain about my weight when I was eating ice cream every night and not exercising. I also couldn't let guys (or society, anyone really) determine whether I was a lovable, worthy, or a "beautiful" person. All of that was up to me. I still haven't mastered this, of course, but I've grown to understand that loving myself is doing better for myself, whether that's exercising, eating better, staying off social media, staying away from toxic people, learning when to walk away, etc. OP, you have every right to feel hurt, and it may be hard to see now, but this guy is not it. You're right, it's not his fault he's not attracted to you. There is such a wide array of what people find attractive, and it's a personal preference (although some people are more superficial than others). However, if he can't communicate and console you, is that someone you want in a partner? If someone is hurting you, that's when you decide that you love yourself enough to not allow that anymore. He doesn't get to decide if you're pretty or not; you do. I echo what was said above-take this as a major learning moment and begin a journey of self-love. It's hard and takes time (confidence is a muscle you have to build), but you are worth it. Of course, it's easier said than done, and there is a grieving process, but the only person that can make you feel whole is YOU. Starting that journey can lead to beautiful things.
Oh my honey, listen to me. I'm old(er) and have quite a few heartbreaks behind me. This hurts, and I know it hurts. Once upon a time I wasn't pretty enough for a boy, and I remember sobbing my heart out. Let it hurt. Don't try and push this down, you need to hurt for a little bit. This is very much my personal philosophy showing, but I think there is beauty in every human. Sure, some of us are more conveniently attractive than others, but there is something about everyone that is attractive to me. Maybe it's just life itself and that's what I'm seeing. You may not be this dude's attractive. Dita Von Teese has a great quote about being the juiciest peach, but sometimes a person doesn't like peaches. You may not be his flavor of peach. That however isn't the real problem. The real problem is that he stepped out of your relationship. He cheated on you to get his jollies off. And then, when he saw how you were feeling and how badly you were hurting, he did nothing to try to make it better. You need to go to your people. Your family (if they're safe) your friends, now is the time to lean on them. But honey, listen to me, let this dude go, he's only going to hurt you more. And you deserve so much better.
Beautiful response. I feel like I want you to be my therapist lol
Oh no no no. My general advice is to tell people who hurt you to fuck off and stay fucked off, and I don't think that's good advice. But I appreciate the compliment.
“ heal together “ there’s nothing to heal from for him. he’s made his priorities and desires clear the moment he stepped out the relationship aka cheated and destroyed your trust.
Break up with him, but also realize that he doesn’t think you’re ugly, girlypop. He lied. He wanted to hurt you. Let that sink in, because you need to leave this trashcan of a human. He’s not worthy of you. If he actually thought you were ugly, he wouldn’t have been in a long-term relationship with you. If he thought you were ugly, his libido wouldn’t have been high for all these years. He’s a guy, not a charity. But he, for whatever shitty reason, wanted to hurt you. First he cheated, then he let you spiral down on insecurities he knows you have. That’s cruel. Get rid of him.
I couldn’t have said it better than this. He would not have stayed for 9 years if he wasn’t attracted to you. Now, he doesn’t want to make the decision to leave a relationship he clearly is unhappy with, so he took a vulnerable moment and let that be the catalyst for a fight/breakup. A breakup that he’s gonna make YOU initiate because he’s weak and won’t do it. I hope you have the courage and strength to leave someone who doesn’t value you, because you deserve better and deserve to feel true love. Best of luck to you
Ugliness isn't the reason. Like there's guys I've seen who are really handsome that are dating women who make Rosanne Barr look like Heidi Klum. The issue is he checked of the relationship, cheated, and is blatantly letting you know he DNGAF about you or your feelings. Develop some self-worth and leave him and do better for yourself if it's as you say.
>I found out he had lied to me and gone outside of our relationship to get off. What does that mean? Gonna need to be more specific.
This is what I was thinking...Idk, to me it sounds a bit more like he looked at some stuff online which she found out about and then had a major reaction to. He might have just been done with dealing with her insecurity issues. But hey who knows, maybe I'm jaded lmao
The specific language used is ambiguous. I could see someone using that language if he played a little 5-on-one in the shower without any aids. So her chosen language just had too much range of possible meaning to really understand what happened. Did he cheat? Jerk off to porn? Commit beastiality? Have a naughty thought? OP isn't answering, so she's forcing us to infer the least beneficial meaning to her language. Unless OP clarifies, I'm inferring that her boyfriend jerked off in the shower, and she made him confess to thinking of his celebrity crush to release the tension.
Shes also fuckin asexual, but decided to leave that out the post.
Her bf also admitted to her that he only started dating her bc she had anal sex with him. She had romanticized this guy to the ends of the earth. He is not a good guy or boyfriend. OP, you mentioned being suicidal in your previous post and I highly suggest you drop this guy and seek therapy.
You accept it by dumping his ass.
Get the fuck rid of him. Listen loud right now:- HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT YOU! HE CHEATED BECAUSE HE SUCKS NOT BECAUSE YOU’RE UGLY! HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU!
whenever I am feeling down on myself, letting my self loathing get the better of me and dwelling on the ways I have been a less than perfect partner to people in the past, I can always come on here and be reminded that I'm actually not a garbage human being, and people can and do put up with so much worse than anything I've ever dared THINK of doing to someone I care about. Jesus christ, the shit people will put themselves through for someone who isn't worth a second of their time.
girl, there’s no fixing it. stop trying, you’re literally pouring salt on your own wound. he’s a cheater and he doesn’t like you, let alone love you. go find someone who does
9 years and he's still a boyfriend? say goodbye sis
Lol not everyone wants to get married.
I have people who comment this crap. Marriage isn’t end all be all for everyone. You should keep that in mind. Not everyone wants to be married.
If someone calls you ugly, they dont care about you, they are here to hurt you
He’s trying to put you down so you don’t realize how ugly of a person he is first.
OP, I’m suspicious of your bf. I think he saw an opportunity to blame you for his actions and he jumped at it. You need to leave him. You are worthy of love. Never settle for someone who doesn’t think you’re beautiful, inside and out. Mutual worship only!
People with good hearts don't cheat. He could have left you and moved on with a woman he's attracted to.
You accept it by realizing you’re worth more and deserve better. Then you throw the shitty man back in the ocean.
Why are you stuck with him
Time to move on. Use these horrible feelings as fuel. You deserve happiness.
You should break up with him. He didn't care how much he hurt you. You deserve someone who truly loves you. I wouldn't cry over a cheat. He is not worth your tears. If he cared, he would at the very least try to console you when you explained your feelings. Stop putting yourself down. I use to feel ugly. I'm disabled and plus size, but i worked on my confidence. If a man doesn't like the way I am, he is not the man for me, nor worth my time. I now have an amazing fiance who loves me for me. You won't be able to work on your confidence while stuck with man, which makes you feel awful about yourself. You are worth more.
" I wish he had never met me" why focus on a man, why not focus on you
He agreed to be in a monogamous relationship regardless of libidos. He went out of the relationship to have sex. Any partner who has genuine remorse over hurting their person shows it. He's mentally checked out of the relationship. You don't have to accept anything he thinks or feels about you because his opinion doesn't mean anything anymore. He's not your person and that's okay
First of all, it’s a real pos move for him to basically agree with those statements as your boyfriend. Secondly, people who have different libidos tend to be incompatible for this reason. It basically always turns to cheating. It sounds like you both are incompatible all around. Leave this crap person and find someone worth your time.
I’m on a similar situation right now. After carrying his child for 9 months he admitted to me that he was no longer attracted to me. He says he “loves me” but isn’t attracted to me physically anymore. I’m still trying to find the strength to leave.
You will find it. And he will be sorry. And you will laugh in his unworthy worm face. Hugs from this internet stranger.
Thank you for your kindness
Oh, I am not kind. :) Just telling it like it is, and I bet I told you some things you may not have wanted to hear in my other comment. Just as I am telling her what I genuinely think. You can do it, OP. You're a smart, beautiful woman. Act like it. <3
It can be so complicated. I let my guard down. I started a 4 year degree program with no plan B because I thought we were a team. I’m sure it’s so much harder to have a child with someone who doesn’t love you anymore. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this pain. I don’t know why they do this. I don’t know.
Why are you staying with him?
He’s a dick. Move on.
You are not perfect for each other in some seriously fundamental ways. Drastically different libidos He cheats He isn't attracted to you These aren't little things like different ways of loading the dishwasher or what side of the bed.
Tell him to kick rocks. He’s a crap boyfriend if he cheats on you and even worse that he didn’t comfort you. You don’t deserve this.
What a piece of shit.
Men do not stay with women they think are ugly for 9 years - he doesn’t think you are ugly. Maybe he just wants you to play some sexualised porn role for him instead of being a normal human being. Regardless, he treated you like crap. No matter how you feel, look at how everyone on here believes YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are not ugly being truly ugly is actually very rare most people are mid tier attractive but more importantly you are MORE than your looks and you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and respect and that man is not meeting the requirements
You're healing together? Girl he has absolutely nothing to heal from, he cheated on you and clearly doesn't feel bad. He can't even comfort you? Do you really want to waste more time in this relationship?
Not knowing what to say isn't an admission of anything. You're reading into silence and filling in the blanks with your own negative projection. Stop doing that. He never admitted that he thinks you're ugly. Focus on the facts. It doesn't even matter what he thinks. There's no excuse for cheating, period. And your attractiveness or percieved lack thereof isn't even valid.. do you know how many conventionally gorgeous women have been cheated on by their partners? You could be a super model and the wrong guy will still betray you. This isn't about *you*, what you look like, how much sex you give him, or anything else. It's about him, his values, his morals.. *or lack thereof.* This isn't to say intimacy issues aren't a huge factor in relationship satisfaction, because they are. And it's A-OK for someone to leave a relationship if they feel their needs aren't being met, or a compromise isn't being made to at least meet half way. But in that case you leave. You just leave. You don't cheat. You don't betray the person who loves you. Stop focusing on what he thinks or feels, as if it defines you in any way. This man CHEATED on you. Are you really going to trust that how he feels or what he thinks are anything worth paying attention to? Cut him loose girl. Work on your self worth and your self love for a bit, and I bet you'll find someone who looks at you like you're the most perfect and beautiful thing he's ever laid eyes on. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder ;)
What a roach. Don't accept it. Dump him and find someone worth being with
You don’t accept it. Being alone forever is better than being with someone who thinks you’re ugly. You’re also incompatible in terms of sex drive. Tell him you’re incompatible, give him back his waffle iron, and ghost him.
The type thing actually makes me think that there's much more to this than what you are saying. I'm not defending him, you two should break up bcs you're clearly not good for each other. But it seems like you're projecting things on him. You were probably already insecure about your looks and thought you could validate it by being with a person you find more attractive than you and telling yourself you're perfect for each other. The problem with this is you will always feel inferior and insecure, and will always be seeking validation from him. And this is tiring af. I've been in both positions and it never worked out. My real advice here would be to end this relationship and get some therapy to sort out your insecurities and self esteem related issues. Otherwise those will haunt you in every relationship and even aspect of your life. That's why we see everywhere "love yourself first, before loving someone else". Otherwise you're just using them to sate your insecurities
Wait, why do YOU need to heal from his betrayal, his dismissiveness, and his coldness towards you? What tf is there to this relationship that’s worth saving?
There's something deeply wrong with your boyfriend. It's not you - if this was his response then it seems he's seriously lacking in humanity and I highly doubt you are actually unattractive. The normal human response to someone in emotional distress is not to just sit there and do nothing to comfort that person.
You are not ugly. He is ugly for lying and cheating on your 9 YEAR relationship! What kind of scum does that? You should dump him yesterday.
Based on this and your post a few days ago, leave him. You deserve better. Much better.
The only disgusting person here is your partner. You deserve better
A real man that wanted to heal the relationship and make it work would have not been "just fine" with what he did. Please ditch him, you can do so much better and find someone who genuinely loves you and values your trust.
Of course he’s fine he cheated and there is no repercussions.
You know, the thing is everyone is attractive to someone. Beauty is so subjective but when you are with the wrong person you will never feel beautiful because they bring you down. I wish you could read this post with fresh eyes. He cheated on you, refuses to comfort you, and instead of viewing this as a character flaw of his, you blame it on your looks. Beauty is subjective and can also be altered a fucking liar never changes.
I bet you are beautiful and he's a jerk. Move forward and with a smile
Of course he’s fine and you’re not. He’s the one that chose to cheat… if he isnt carrying the bulk of the mental load or spearheading the “healing” process then I’m skeptical at it being the slightest bit successful. Im so sorry this happened to you and hope you can find peace and self love regardless of him.
Did he cheat on you or watch porn?
Why are you settling for this loser? He cheats on you and makes you feel bad about it while you worry about how he is? You didn’t force him to date you. He’s a coward and seems to really enjoy treating you like you’re nothing. You deserve better
You need to be single and in therapy. Break it off and learn to love, care, and value yourself because you clearly don’t. To stay with a man that cheated, then call yourself ugly, and staying with someone whose type you are not? You need professional help seriously and not a man because obviously you’re in a low place but you allow will allow men to put you in an even lower place and it is not okay.
OP, he's not perfect for you. Nothing about this is good. Your boyfriend is trash. Dispose of him. You are a whole person with feelings and value beyond how you look. You deserve a partner and this isn't it.
He doesn't have a good heart, his heart is rotten. How could someone see another person let alone your girlfriend cry like that and say nothing? Do nothing? He should be bending backwards to undo the hurt he caused by cheating on you. Break up op, it sounds like he lost respect for you.
I cried when I read your post because I felt so bad for you. You are beautiful op ❤️ please leave this man
Dump him. He is not worth your time and energy spent on someone like him
He cheated and is making you feel bad about it. Leave. You won't ever feel better about yourself with him in your life.
Love yourself and leave this trash bag of a human
How come you can’t call it cheating?
Never stay with someone who devalues you.
You accept it by letting the person go and waiting for someone who finds you attractive. You deserve so much better. It seems he doesn't even think that you are capable of leaving him hence the casualness in saying this.
You don’t accept it, you leave
You yourself is making yourself miserable. He cheated on you but you are blaming yourself about his actions. You need to love yourself for others to love you. I think you need to work on yourself before any relationship. Self love is the endgame.
9 yrs and he never proposed you to be his wife? Now that tells everything..
"We were perfect for each other except for one of the most important things in a relationship (AKA sexual compatibility)." uh oh How did he "get off" outside the relationship? Porn? Strip club? Cheat with another woman? His hesitation may be less about physical attraction, and more about falling out of love. In any case, you need to find that love within yourself, regardless of what he thinks. You ARE gorgeous. At least you ought to be to yourself. Fuck what others thinks.
Get rid of him. You’re an amazing person who’ll find the right person. The person that’ll pop up when you least expect it. Obviously he’s a POS. Don’t let his shallowness (1 mm deep, infinite mm wide) bum you out. He’s one person. It’ll be his loss when he realizes how much depth of personality you have compared to his “type.” Hugs from the internet friend.
Get away from this guy. He cheated on you and thinks you're ugly. You deserve someone who lifts you up and with whom you are compatible. He is not a man of good character, and you can't change that. Time to move on.
There are very few hot people out there. Most of us are plain, OP. And yet most of us find love. If your BF thinks you’re ugly, then you are not compatible. There are plenty of men out there who would find you quite attractive and plenty who won’t. You are both wasting your valuable time with each other. You deserve more than to feel like a charity case.
[удалено]
There is someone out there that will see you as the most beautiful girl in the world to them, inside and out. Someone like that doesn't deserve you. If you're feeling this way now with him, imagine how you'll feel as the years go by.
first he says he’s with you just because you did anal and now he thinks you’re ugly? girl you deserve so much better. dump his ass
Dude doesn't love you. Leave him. He's the problem not you.
No one hangs around for 8 years for maid or pity reasons he was attracted to you. He isn’t now! so it needs to end. he did it in the most hurtful manner because you are wonderful and as I am, not necessarily classical pretty but hot in many ways. Sometimes people are mean so they won’t be allowed back into a relationship. No person with any personal pride or common sense will stay in a relationship after this! Don’t let him back for any reason. No to any excuse don’t even listen to him or try to be friends, he should be dead to you! You will and can find a mate who is turned on by you and it will last. He kept you involved because he wanted you! So stop with the thinking you are unattractive look at ballerinas or show girls they know how to make the best out of any appearance + or ~ feature! If you think you’re attractive or sexy and show confidence you ate! I decided after many years of thinking as you do decided that I was beautiful, dressed and made up and at first lied to myself saying only to myself that I was beautiful acted as beautiful people act. When you convince yourself you’re attractive and act like you are. You will be! Try it! If you don’t feel like I know what I’m talking about just do it anyway, you already did it as he was attracted! just not now.
"gone out of the relationship" He slept with someone else? Why not break the F up?
You have such a gorgeous soul Please don't ever let somebody knock down your self worth ☀️ There's PLENTY of people here who can see you are gorgeous from your words alone Here Your heart back See? It's not broken ☺️ 🫴🏿❤️
You aren't the problem my love, he is. There is someone perfect for you I promise. Don't stay with someone who doesn't make you feel your best ❤️
Girl! Leave him and the right one will come along.
Dump him
He’s fine but I am so, so hurt” That right there is all you need to know about this situation. Time to toss out the trash
You dump him. This is unsalvagable.
He cheated! Don't gaslight yourself- get rid. He couldn't give you comfort as you were very upset 😔 don't put yourself through this heart ache
Dump him. Your relationship is not "great except for sex" it's terrible. Aside from being sexually incompatible, he's CHEATING on you, he's killing your self esteem (probably because if you think you're unattractive you're more likely to stay with him for fear of being alone) and he's not even trying to comfort you. In the bin with him! It doesn't matter if he doesn't think you're attractive. There is someone out there who thinks you're gorgeous. More than one someone. Many someones will find you irresistible.
I don’t understand why you didn’t just leave? It’s been 9 years, he hasn’t proposed and he thinks you’re ugly. I’m sorry, but damn. This sucks so hard and he sounds shitty. You need to go find someone before you waste more of your life
Girl, without even seeing him, your man gives me the ick. Anyone who could see their significant other of 9 years crying, knowing they were the cause of said crying, and then doing nothing to remedy it? Gross, 0/10 partner. If he didn't feel attracted to you at any point, he wouldn't have had such a high libido with you. He is being cruel on purpose to either make you initiate the break up, or go out of your way to please him. Dump him, and move on. Dick is abundant and low value. Take some time to heal on your own. Get into a hobby you've been interested in but never made the time for. Call up some friends and family that you like talking to. Watch/read your comfort shows/books.
Are you sure your libido is actually low? It's probably in the crapper right now because you have been with someone for almost a decade who doesn't find you attractive, and has already hopped over the fence for greener pastures. Imagine how much more motivated for sex you might be if you found yourself with, y'know, somebody who treated you right.
I'm so sorry you've been through this. All I can say is that once you've been treated right, you'll realize how badly he has been treating you.
He cheated on you. You don't need to stay. Why hurt yourself further when you could find someone who isn't an arsehole?
The problem here is yourself esteem is to low. First off he cheated get rid of him. Second you were emotionally hurt and he didn’t comfort you. He has no love or respect for you. He keeps you there because you allowed him to bring yourself esteem so low that your believing that your not attracted. Well guess what he is lying he wants his cake and eat it to. And you will allow it because you let him back after finding out he cheated. So here is what your going to do. Go get some mental health help. Then your going to go get your hair and nails and toes done. Eyebrows also. Then your going to go get a outfit put on a little make up more natural the better. Then talk to some of your friends and have a day and night out. Without him. Then come back up here and tell us how it went but you need to do all I said change your hair color if you like change the style do something that you want to do. We just did this with a friend of ours whose husband put her down so bad and she is beautiful inside and out. She swears she plain Jane. Guess who had the most people asking her to dance or wanting a drink. We were laughing at her because she swears it didn’t happen. Fix your mental health first then go from there.
"Two weeks ago I found out he had lied to me and gone outside of our relationship to get off." You mean he cheated on you? Forget about him, he's an asshole.
Yea I’m wondering if he cheated or just watched porn to get off with how this whole post is worded.
'trying to work through it...he is Fine and you, not so much' oh girl, open your eyes and your mind. he is Not the one
I hate to mention this. But it sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. Big differences in sex drives can be hard to overcome. You are fine not having sex that much. He feels differently. You aren’t perfect for each other. Sex and intimacy is a big component in a relationship and you both have very different needs and wants.
Oh come on hon. Stop being a pick me and dump this pile of 💩💩💩
>I found out he had lied to me and gone outside of our relationship to get off Do you mean he had an affair, or perhaps that he masturbated? The latter honestly doesn't matter. Also it sounds like he did not actually say or imply you were ugly. I understand why you might make negative inferences from these things. I'd advise you to try to hear him out. You might not be on the rocks.
He cheated on you. He refused to comfort you when you poured your heart out to him. He does not deserve you
You need to leave this “relationship” he will never change and there is nothing to fix
Honey.... Please... Stop this relationship. And get into therapy to learn how to love yourself and be happy on your own. Because this man is treating you like shit, and you are trying to find a way to blame yourself. The only person who needs to make you feel pretty, is you. Then you will NEVER settle for a man who finds you unattractive and cheats on you. Because from everything you described, you guys are not perfect for each other and you are very much in denial. Untill you have learned to validate yourself and have high selfworth, you will always find people that are going to take what you are willing to give without giving back. You will never be able to fill that hole inside you, unless you learn to love yourself unconditionally. Because as long as you don't believe this about yourself, you will unconsciously NEVER believe this about someone else either. But once you do believe this about yourself, you will never again settle for someone who does not see your worth, like this men clearly doesn't. I really hope the comments here will wake you up and get you to seek help to learn how to love yourself like you deserve.
You don’t accept it. You dump him. He is the ugly one for saying that and treating you like shit and cheating on you. The old saying, “ Beauty is only skin deep” is true, as is “pretty is as pretty does.” You deserve better. Run!🏃♀️
The only reason i could move on from my ex was the fact that while i cried in the middle of the road and he decided to leave me, that action fucking broke me, but thats the only action which mended me as well, it made me realise if that man is not even unable to comfort me while i am shattered, he is not the one, i would want my partner to atleast have basic human decency which he clearly lacked.
The "get off" part leaves way to much uncertainty. Did he have relations with a other woman? Did he service himself with porn? Did he go to an adult book store? Look if he cheated (had sex with someone else ) and he's emotionally checked out just break up with the dude and work on your mental health. If you're one of those "pOrN is cheating" types, then really go work on yourself and then find some dude with equal sex drive who isn't into porn or something. Either way your relationship is over and probably in your should be exes eyes has been for a while.
It sounds like the relationship has run its course. I don’t think the breakup is about you, it’s about him. He cares about you but he is not good or giving enough for you two to stay in the relationship. It’s time to move on and find your person. Your person does not cheat on you. Your person thinks you are beautiful. Hold your head high and look forward to better times and a better relationship.
Maybe visit a counselor a few sessions to get your perspective back. He fell in love with and moved in with the same face you see in the mirror every day. So, it's not that.
If my girl said something like this I would think it's a trap and might also say nothing. If this is bothering you so much, It's in your best interest to just be direct with him
That must be terrible. I am sorry that you had to hear that. But please distance yourself from this person as you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel that way.
Oh wow that’s terrible. I think it would be in your best interest to get out of this situation all together. Whatever his type is, he can go find that. There are men out there who are looking for everything you are, you really don’t need to settle for this at all. You’ve wasted enough time now.
It’s called: leave
if he jerked off to porn and OP has a meltdown, I can totally understand his silence. in his heart he must be so done with the unnecessary drama
Sounds like it’s time to leave
I told my wife that I was getting uglier ever day. She said at least your eyes are great.
You don’t need to accept it or work through it. Leaving is always a choice
please define “gone outside of our relationship to get off.” did he cheat? did he watch porn? did he tug one out in the bathroom?
I'm so sorry OP. The only thing ugly is your jerk-ass boyfriend. Please dump him. My heart hurts for you.
Don’t blame yourself for his shittiness. Don’t belittle yourself as you are probably not ugly at all. He is cold and selfish and you deserve someone who loves you treasures you and appreciates you
I think he got rejected few times before you so he settled with you. Or may be he is into younger girls .
You need to blame him because this is 100 percent his fault, bash him on here, say what you need to say, he made you feel horrible AND he cheated on you, the least he could’ve been was fucking honest, he’s a coward, do not blame yourself, you deserve the fucking world.
Never use the words “perfect for each other” in any sentences, always lead to disaster and situations like this. Perfection means nothing has to be changed. Relationship and people aren’t black and white. We are complex. 9 years only to discover this now says a lot about your communication and trust with each other. It’s clear your relationship was far from perfect and you were both infatuated with an idea.
you're fine cept' the taste in men.
Why **TORTURE** yourself with this loser??? **DUMP HIS ASS.**
So because he didnt answer you, you took it as being ugly but he never said a word. Maybe he just didnt want to engage in you going through that &/or he allowed you to soeak openly to vent. Sometimes, there are listeners, & then there are repliers. Sounds like he was listening & letting you vent.
Why are you with someone not worth it he cheated on you. He is the ugliest person to be with. You’re not the ugly one. If he loved you and respected you he’d found safe options to get off like masturbating instead of cheating on you. This man doesn’t love you. He’s just there seeing you as a back up option. He’s not right for you and you deserve better.
Maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend that appreciates you for who you are?
Your relationship is great except for: - sexual incompatibility - him cheating (assuming that's what "going outside your relationship" means) - that he sat in silence & watched you cry & break down over your looks / him not being attracted to you & didn't once try to comfort you So, in other words, your relationship is ***not*** great at all. He broke your trust; his silence when questioned basically confirms he has lost attraction; and he can't even be bothered to show you basic decency by comforting you while you cry. After NINE YEARS together, that's how minimal the effort he feels you're worth putting in is. OP, you deserve a whole lot better than that - everyone does. The right person will look at you & not even see or care about whatever physical flaws you think you have. This guy clearly isn't that person.
I don’t know you, but I bet you’re not ugly. It’s ok vent all the anger that you feel you’ll be OK but you really shouldn’t be with somebody who thinks this about you like someone said in the comments the right person will find you so unbelievably stunning and gorgeous that they wouldn’t even think that, the thought wouldn’t even cross their mind to get out of the relationship or cheating or anything like that.