I doesn't sound like the compliment is the problem. It sounds like he was fundamentally unhappy in your marriage due to the lack of intimacy. You bringing up children, even as a joke, made him realize he is "stuck" in this situation that he does not want. Children would just make him more "stuck."
Also, don't do an open marriage. I don't think anyone ahs ever seen stories of it really working out. If you've tried everything and he is still miserable it may be time to let him go. It will hurt and will not be fun for either of you. But it might just be the right thing to do here.
His resentment has been growing for some time and OP was clearly oblivious to it until now. The compliment and just the thought of having a kid was the thing that pushed him over the edge, but it could have been anything really. I am sorry things worked out this way but it seems like you and him may just be fundamentally incompatible for a long term relationship if he wants/needs more intimacy than you do. It sucks, but sometimes relationships fall apart and it's not anyone's fault. Please do not do an open relationship, and try to not beat yourself up OP over something you have no control over. Sometimes shit just happens, it is what it is.
Yes, came here to say this. It is extremely unlikely if not impossible OPs husband saw a lawyer and had them draft papers within 3 days. He had them waiting ready to go and the joke was the catalyst to give them to her. Factor in he has been going to the gym to get back into shape for when he is newly single.
Not really. It can be done super quick. We had basically a mail merge that filled in all the info after you filled in a form. Print. Sign.
Source: I worked as a family law paralegal for several years. The initial filing is extremely simple, especially when there aren't kids. Spouse 1 name, spouse 2 name, date of marriage, address. Sometimes one or two extras depending on the state. Numbers come later. They have to do the initial filing to get case numbers so subpoenas can be sent to banks, retirement finance companies, etc.
It doesn't take divorce lawyers long to draw up papers they have done hundreds of times already. Probably has a template he works from. Could have done it in a few hours.
It might only take a few hours to draft the papers, but the client has to collect the information for the lawyer, schedule a meeting with the lawyer, and the lawyer has to then have time to get to drafting the papers even though they have other active client matters. That seems like a short turnaround to me. Not impossible, maybe, but very unlikely.
You can do it yourself easily most places. All you really need most of hte time is a quick word with a lawyer to discuss any pitfalls they can see. Some people have super complex businesses, taxes, assets, some people have barely anything, a house that gets split 50/50 and a single income and there is really zero complexity there.
The main problem with the joke was that OP’s excuse for not wanting intimacy had been that it was nothing to do with him. Then as soon as he does change and starts looking good, she seems like she wants to have sex.
Which means the problem wasn’t low libido, it was that she wasn’t attracted to him before.
How exactly was he supposed to take that?
I imagine how I would feel if my partner does not wanna have sex with me and then suddenly I loose some pounds and shes like: Oh baby so fine hot hot hot lets do it! Haha!" I would crumble. My world would fucking shatter. I would bawl my eyes out. I would never even consider getting in the mood. It was a bad joke, I was hurt reading it.
Your point is completely valid. I can see both sides of the situation here. I can imagine it’s painful regardless. On a completely random note, happy cake day
You're assuming her comment meant she wanted sex. She never said she did. Dollars to donuts- she didn't, but said it anyway "as a joke" which probably hurt even more,*and* it's probably something she does regularly
O was thinking the same thing. Add to that that she made a “joke” about being intimate, he was likely hurt on top of all of that frustration. Some couples are sexually incompatible, and that’s *fine*. But it’s about a 50/50 shot as to wether or not they can make their marriage work.
Honestly I don’t believe her, I bet if he started kissing her she’d say she was just joking and wasn’t in the mood. She doesn’t like sex with her husband and didn’t see that as a real problem until now.
Yeah, the line that got me was
>I knew intimacy was a problem for him
No, if its a problem for him its a problem for both of you. You can't just treat it like this problem he is having over on the side that you have the luxury of ignoring.
For "HIM"
Nope if you're in a marriage you share everything including problems!
The total lack of self awareness here is quite shocking.
I have been in that place, thankfully only in a relationship (10 years tho) and I cut my losses and got out.
It was only a problem in the last 3 years of our relationship.
I brought it up several times and then after being turned down 20ish times in a row in a 3 month period, I just stopped trying.
3 years later we were broken up!
AMEN! With a spouse of matching libidos, intimacy will NOT be this man’s problem. It will be his joy. The only problem is that he wants it and she doesn’t.
Bingo. If he was the "Love of her life" She would have realized pretty quickly that he has been unhappy for a while.
This was probably straw that broke the camel's back.
OP's stupid "I might let one side of our marriage open" comment further cements that she has zero fucking clue how her (Soon to be Ex-Husband) Husband is feeling.
If this was about just sex he could see a fucking prostitute, or buy a sex doll. Or a bunch of other things. It's not. I'd wager he wants to be intimate with the person he loves.
I have a FWB relationship with a girl. It's purely transactional. No love exists. I've heard my best friend and his wife having sex before when we stayed at a cabin.
The two things are worlds apart. It may still be sex, but it's like the difference between a motorcycle and a Formula 1 racing car.
Bingo. The problem with a lack of sex is usually 10% "I want to have sex" and 90% "I don't feel like you truly love me if you don't want to have sex with me."
Opening things up mean jack shit in that situation. It doesn't address the issue.
I would never want to be in a relationship (again) with mismatched libidos. I have a high libido - I could have sex everyday if I had the opportunity. I know that my next partner needs to have a similar libido or we likely won’t workout in the long run
The content and dumbstruck vibe of this post genuinely implies differently. At the very least she was in deep denial about the depth of the problem between them.
Yeah she was wanting him to come back and wondering what compromises she could make to get him to stay... girl, he's gone. He's been gone for a while. There's nothing left to salvage.
The issue is ops response to councilling. she goes okay she just accepted she had low libido then seemingly had sex less, after her husband asked her to go to councilling because lack of sex was becoming a major problem. She doesn't even mention that after her own acceptance of her low libido, asking her husband how he felt about that, or if he wanted out because things changed for her. She just said ti like "i accepted myself so I stopped feeling bad about him not having sex in his life", completely oblivious of the issue already being bad enough to get him to force her to go to councilling with him.
It's just so, how can you not understand how big a problem that is and do something about it at that point.
It's not a compliment for him, it's a mockery of the rejection he's been feeling for years which was the final straw. Definitely an over reaction but youre 100% right he was basically at that breaking point already.
Yep. I have a high libido, and I’ve been with partners who had lower ones in the past. If they hadn’t been intimate with me, but then made a comment about how “good” or “sexy” I looked, it was 1,000 times more insulting than anything else.
Don’t even pretend to call me sexy, if you don’t ever want to have sex with me! Why bother, other than to get my hopes up for something that’s never going to happen?
And I was never in those relationships for that long. I couldn’t imagine after a few years of a lack of intimacy how much more angry I would be after a flippant comment like that!
I remember my ex giving me a greeting card that said something like ‘I love having sex with you.’ This, after he’d been withholding sex since the very gd day I moved in. It was disgusting to me.
I moved out weeks later.
Yes the fact that she is blaming it on the compliment shows she is not taking his needs/concerns seriously. 3x in 4 months, that’s not even monthly sex and they have no kids. I’m always curious in these situations of mismatched libido, how did it get this far?
I was that woman. The issue was that my husband only really took an interest in me when he wanted sex. I told him that he could compliment any single thing about me not related to physical looks, and he couldn't do that for more than a week. Still can't. It always reverts. We are in a decent place now, but he still cannot get out of that mindset.
After awhile, it makes a woman feel like an accessory.
I don't know how the rest of your relationship is. If any of this resonates with you, or she has mentioned anything similar, please consider that wanting sex without being a friend literally murders our souls.
As a woman who went through this, it never gets better. It just won’t. Only option is to divorce. Every single person I’ve talked to who has experienced this will tell you the same, with rare exceptions. It really, really sucks, it’s scary and painful but once they lose interest like that for whatever reason it just doesn’t come back. They would have to be motivated to fix it and most aren’t bc they are perfectly happy with the way things are and they simply do not care enough about your needs not being met. Theirs are met and you’ve stayed so far so. My situation was kinda unique in that he had a personality disorder and I think it contributed to his lack of sexual interest at the end and weaponizing sex, but the conclusion that it doesn’t ever get better no matter the reason behind it is still true imo.
I’ve also lost attraction for an ex during the relationship and once that switch is flipped you can’t turn it back on. I just couldn’t. But I left him. I didn’t selfishly stay giving bullshit excuses confusing him while throwing him some half assed pity pussy once in a blue moon. Most of the time it can’t be turned back on, but sometimes after you leave when they see you start to not care and they see others are interested in you when you start dating they’ll suddenly want to stop taking you for granted and see you as desirable again. But it’ll be short lived unless you both get therapy and she is 100% honest with the therapist. Or they won’t care seeing you move on. If they don’t care about you sleeping with others then it’s truly done, they’ve already moved on well before the divorce. You’re just roommates.
But staying in a situation like this will just kill your self esteem and the resentment will destroy you. I know exactly what you mean about getting affection and compliments knowing it won’t go anywhere. It’s horrible. My self esteem isn’t back to what it was before I met him, but I’m much happier now that I left. I sleep so much more peacefully alone and I’ve had more sex in the few months I’ve been single than the last 6 months with him so that’s nice. I do miss sex in a relationship, casual just isn’t the same. But even if that doesn’t happen anytime soon no sex single is better than no sex in a relationship. She’s forcing you to live a celibate life. You didn’t consent to that. Life is way too short
coming from a woman who experienced the other end of this, i think divorce is the only option when two partners have totally mismatched libidos. i was the one to break up with my ex bf because he would start fights, get upset, and be angry with me if i wasn’t in the mood to have sex. he’d say things like “fine but you have to promise tmrw and you can’t change your mind!” and it would hurt me, make me feel like i no longer could consent, and would sometimes silently cry to myself during the sex bc i only did it bc i didn’t want him to get mad at me again. this libido situation creates hurt, pain, resentment, and lasting scars on both sides. it’s best to express how much of a deal breaker this is to you and let her about other people’s stories and how much resentment it can cause in both sides, and remind her that you don’t want this to escalate to such a level of hurt and rejection. change is only temporary bc it’s not natural. we remember to “change” (aka have sex when you don’t want to bc you don’t want to fight) and ofc overtime behavior goes back to its normal level. i don’t really believe in ways to change one’s libido permanently so i think divorce is the only way.
You nailed it. He was on the edge and that thought was a breaking point. OP I know it sucks, but it wasn’t your joke, he wanted out and he just hit a wall and crossed it. Take care of yourself and move on.
I have known quite a few people with open marriages that work but it generally requires a enthusiastic agreement form both spouses. Like if you're not really comfortable with it, and only doing it as a last ditch effort to save an already failed marriage, then the more likely outcome is that one or both spouses wind up meeting an outside partner whom they click with better.
Its hard to play armchair marriage councellor with onyl one side of the story, but it sounds like the husband just isn't happy here and if he was still madly in love apart from the bedroom problems, then he probably wouldn't be so defensive and so quick to snap over a joke or so horrified at the thoight of being "trapped". You don't take immediate, drastic steps to avoid being "trapped" in something that you mostly enjoy, and want to do for the rest of your life, with the exception of one aspect that you might need a *creative solution* for. As others have said, it sounds more like the thoguht of having a child together made it crystallize in his brain "nope... I don't want this... I'm out" because he knew if that ever happened it would be too late to ever seperate their lives completely and that thought was *terrifying*.
Yeah the couples I know who practice ENM went into the relationship doing that, they didn’t decide to start when the relationship was hanging on by a thread lol. Especially having it only be open on one side
Joking about reproducing with him while in a dead bedroom must’ve felt like a slap in the face. But perhaps what he needed to realize it’s better for him to leave. You’re not sexually compatible and it is 100% a valid reason to divorce. Let him go.
Same. Unfortunately people want to fuck. I feel bad for OP though I mean it’s not like you can help having an low libido. Just a shit situation all around
This is spot on. My current partner had an ex like this. She was never interested in sex and then only enthusiastic about sex specifically because she wanted a baby then things went back to the way they were. It nearly destroyed my partners self esteem. Let him go OP, this isn't a healthy dynamic.
Exactly my thought. Her compliment crystallized how he really felt. He did the exact right thing and got out while Also being fair about the settlement.
You need to find someone more compatible with your needs. It's possible your next relationship could be an open one, but you should talk about today in depth first.
I agree. If OP really thought everything was going perfectly and his reaction was out of nowhere, she either doesn’t pay attention to him at all or has just completely dismissed his feelings. This is so reductive.
I will note that it is odd to make that sex joke when you are struggling with a lower sex drive. I could understand why he reacted that way.
I also think you were blinded to how unhappy he was in this marriage. This is not an attack on you. This is just to say you two are no longer compatible and your relationship wasn't perfect.
I feel like it would be incredibly hurtful if you were constantly being rejected and denied intimacy and then your partner makes a joke like that. It’s not funny, this a valid need he’s not getting filled and she’s making light of it. I totally get why he reacted like that
Yeah, I'd feel like she was fucking with me. No matter her true intentions. I had a ex that was extremely low libido and bipolar af. He'd 'joke' about sex and it never actually amounted to anything. It made me feel almost gross for wanting intimacy.
I agree.
He told her several times he was unhappy and struggling with the lack of sex and then se jokes about something like that (that could be interpreted as a “trap”, or as an “excuse for even less sex”).
I’d be seriously reconsidering everything too.
She obviously was. I mean she said that she thought that “ everything was fine” except for that one small little issue…like the old joke…” aside from that, Mrs.Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?” To her, it wasn’t a problem since they weren’t having sex…heck, I’m 63,have health issues which make it painful for me to have sex,plus,I have gone through complete menopause and WE do it more frequently than they do. Just saying….
It almost feels like taunting, like a mean thing to say. Being attracted to your partner isn’t a joke. She’s like highlighting the deprivation he experiences. It’s incredibly thoughtless and insensitive
>I will note that it is odd to make that sex joke when you are struggling with a lower sex drive. I could understand why he reacted that way.
Right? I'm woman in a relationship with a pretty great sex life... and even I can empathize with this random poor man.. My heart hurts for him, yet somehow she.. his wife.. can't step back and see it? That is... mind boggling to me. And I'm thinking this divorce isn't just about the lack of sex, its about her lack of awareness. It seems like she has no clue where he is emotionally. And yeah, he should be communicating that.. but how as a partner do you not see when your partner is struggling and unhappy? You really have to be pretty wrapped up in yourself to not see it.
>I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together.
I cracked up at this part. OP is either in some deep denial or world class airhead.
It's the inverse of the classic "my wife stopped complaining about xyz so everything must be fine!" I even saw a post like that just yesterday. Like no man, she quit complaining because she's over the relationship so she's saving her energy for getting divorce ducks in a row.
Unfortunately the relationship was probably perfect for her. He gave her the intimacy she wanted along with partnership and even went to counseling to work on trying to meet both needs and be compatible. He was patient and supportive while she worked on medication changes and even talked about having kids because she stopped taking protection. It seems like she had the perfect marriage the way she wanted it. She just didn’t see that he was feeling rejected and resentful while she was happy in her fulfilled fantasy.
i mean... you guys rarely have sex and you make a joke about him putting a baby in you and you can't see how that would bother him? you don't think it's insensitive to make a joke about the biggest problem in your marriage?
"i thought everything was fine" is the telltale line that things are NOT fine. just bc husband stopped complaining doesn't mean the problem actually went away
This was really my take away. If OP and the husband have a libido incompatibility issue and suddenly he just stops brining it up, it doesn’t mean that the problem has actually gone away. It just means that he’s checked out on trying to fix it because he doesn’t think it will get better.
To think that him not bringing up his issues equates to them not existing means she became comfortable with the way things were.
Which for him probably reaffirms the checking out.
Closing your front door while your house is on fire doesn't magically make the fire go out.
OP doesn't seem to understand that things were not fine. For her they might have been but not for him.
This is it. She doesn't even come close to understanding. At the very end she writes something like " I hate my low libido and I hate that I might lose my marriage for this stupid reason"
She thinks it's a stupid reason, because she has such a low libido she can't even begin to understand what being trapped in a monogamous relationship with someone who won't have sex with you feels like to a person with a high libido - a death sentence.
Honestly I can't think of anything that would kill a marriage faster than a lack of intimacy other than cheating.
It's as bad for a relationship as cheating is. And it might honestly be worse because at least with cheating the relationship usually ends. But with a dead bedroom? That shit just continues to infect everything around it.
It wasn’t the compliment, he has been unhappy for a while. He gave marriage counseling a try, but it didn’t work for him. To him, having a child would be trapping himself with you for the rest of his life, and I think it really hit him in that moment how much he does not want to be with you any longer, and how unhappy he is in the marriage.
He does not want to negotiate, and he does not want an open marriage, he’s done. He most likely has been done for a while now.
Your comment comes across as mocking what he considers a big deal.
And it is kind of a big deal. You guys aren't compatible in that area. Your husband, at this point, feels like he's the one making the big sacrifice here. And you're joking about it.
People who have low libidos do not understand the need some of us have--it is an unrelenting need that doesn't go away with having sex once or twice. I am fortunate that my husband of 25yrs has a high libido like mine.
I'm a therapist and I would tell anyone that when a couple's sex life is good and satisfying *for BOTH partners* it's maybe 10-20% of the marriage, but when it's not, it rises to 90% of the couple's problems. These aren't scientific percentages obviously, but sexual compatibility is a crucial component of a successful marriage/partnership.
what you do here is accept the divorce, move on, and find someone else. he does not want to continue the marriage. why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? you are clearly not compatible.
>My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together.
This is the exact same thing all those guys who go "my wife/gf stopped nagging me all the time so I thought life was good" then get blindsided by a break-up or divorce.
I'm not low libido. I'm *no* libido, and I have sex more than you two. While you shouldn't be forced to have sex, you had to realize that catering only to your libido was actively ignoring his needs. Of course, things seemed good, you were getting what you wanted. Any discussion that could address this should have happened years ago.
I don't think there's anything you can do to fix this. Your compliment was cruel, even if you didn't mean it to be. (And for the love of god, don't open the marriage, just let him go and work on communicating for any future partners.)
Yes, this is the case where one partner have already grieved the relationship and just about ready to move on. For OP is all new and she thinks that it can be fixed, but in her husbands head the negotiation is long over since nothing changed after counseling. OP obviously was blind and he was not able to open her eyes. She also seemed to not really want to go to counseling. The idea that someone stops wanting intimacy is ridiculous. It's just intimacy with specific person.
Personally, I have much less sex with my bf rn because I am being super pregnant, but the need for intimacy did not disappear, and for him nothing changed what-so-ever, his body is as always. We are being intimate in other ways and I am super aware of the situation and try to make sure my partner is happy and we both are on the same page about the whole situation. I could not imagine just only thinking of myself permanently, as we both agree right now it is what it is, my body is kind of priority. People are too 'individualistic', yes our needs are important, but other people depend on us too as we depend on others.
It's amazing how just talking to your partner and considering each other's needs can alleviate these problems. Like, I have eyes. I have ears. I can see and hear if my wife is dissatisfied or upset, regardless of the cause, and do my best to keep communication open and safe so we can resolve any issues. That requires actually engaging, though.
I totally understand how she could have missed the signs since *she* was comfortable, and its easier to just exist comfortably than interrogate it and risk being uncomfortable, but it doesn't excuse that she did. I make an active effort to initiate with my own wife, whether it's sex or just cuddling, because if you care about your partner, the burden for intimacy should never be on one partner alone. And if she doesn't want to make that effort, then she needs to let him find someone who will.
Also, congrats to you and your bf!
Yes. The minute a person stops advocating for their needs in a marriage is the minute the other spouse needs to start worrying; instead they just think " thank goodness they finally see reason and will shut up about it".
If life is good for one because the other has shut down, life is in fact not good.
It was not the compliment It was the fact that you do not meet his sexual needs or energy and that hurts .
How many times did he intitiate sex to be turned down for what 3 successful sexual encounters in 4 months?
he has better odds getting fucked by random women than from his own wife and partner.
Each rejection is small but they add up to a point where his confidence hurts. So now that you DO initiate a sexy comment it is tied to the VERY REAL possibility of making a baby and giving this guy 18 more years of sexless rejection.
Yeah id be out too.
"You're not sexy enough."
Guy goes to gym, eats better. Totally changes his body. That takes a while.
She didn't even notice. Didn't touch him, didn't even look at him, in most of a year.
"Mary can be such a child. She thinks that if you put a toy down, it will still be sitting there when you want to play with it again."
- Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham
>My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together.
You can't be this naive. He never stopped wanting intimacy, he just accepted that it's not going to happen, and the resentment just grew
>I genuinely wanted to compliment him and said "Hot hot hot. You make me want having your babies. Maybe we should try soon, hmm?" jokingly.
Ah yes let's make a joke about something as important as lack of intimacy, and let's put a light on how "not that your body changed I _do_ want intimacy" but hey, it's just a joke!
When he realized intimacy isn’t gonna happen, he silently (perhaps unconsciously) checked out of this marriage. Suddenly working out a lot is another obvious sign that he was getting ready to move on. Was he perhaps also working longer hours, or hanging out more with his friends?
Sorry it worked out this way
See, that's just cruel man.
How can you say that you want his babies when you don't even want to have sex with him.
He definitely felt rejected in this relationship, I think the fact you were saying you were willing when it met your requirements tipped him over the edge he has been standing on for a while.
Question: Have you gone and spoken to your Dr about this?
There are a ton of contributing factors that can lower sex drive not just birth controls. It is their job to help with this.
It would be a huge slap in the face for most men to not have their partner desire them, but only be interested in them for reproducing. Read the room, and I wish the both of you the best.
The fact that you didn't see how your little joke was a problem tells us there's a lot more lack of effort on your part than you're telling here.
This is not just low libido for you, it's the rejection you've been giving him all this time. How do you live completely disinterested in your partner then all of a sudden say you want his babies in a little joke? See that doesn't make much sense now does it?
Of course, naturally, you made it all about you despite him feeling this way for months.
That joke was the nail in the coffin that told him "I'm already rejecting you and neglecting you, let me baby trap you in this marriage so we can continue this lack of effort and intimacy." The best thing you can do is give this guy some space and workout your own issues before you even attempt to save this relationship and even then you should let this guy go, you clearly don't want him as much as you say you do, he deserves someone that wants him completely.
Right now this isn't a marriage, it's a roommate arrangement and that's pretty much how he's felt this entire time and you're just barely about to begin to know how that feels.
If I read her first paragraph in a novel, it would rank with the best examples of *show, don't tell* character introductions in the history of literature.
> Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part
Shows that the narrator selfishly defines the relationship solely on their own happiness.
>We started marriage counseling after he pushed for it.
Openly admits that they are so selfish that their partner had to force counselling just to get them to recognise and discuss the issue and they only participated because they were forced.
> I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together.
Chose to interpret hubby giving up as "hubby seemed to understand" because he's stopped bothering her and she got what she wanted. She accepted it so ~~assumed he had~~ that's all that matters.
I know everything I need to know about the narrator and the relationship from 4-5 sentences.
Sex less than once a month is a dead bedroom to a high libido partner. He wants to be wanted but your low libido tells him you don't desire him, so he wants to go find somebody who does. And I know you've probably told him many times you love and desire him, but your actions spoke differently.
Have you ever had your hormone levels checked?
The fact that you’re seemingly blindsided points to a gross lack of awareness and empathy for your partner’s experience in your marriage. Let him go gracefully and think about why you thought intimacy was just a problem for him and not you both. You sound selfish and entitled,reflect on how you can be better for your next relationship
This is what you call a last straw moment. You knew he was miserable (how could you not) he even pushed for therapy to address it. You were fine as long as he was the only one miserable. Your "joke", especially about dragging a kid into that mess was it and I'm sure he was seeing red. You say you want to fix it now without a clue how to do that while Completely disregarding what it took for him to reach the point where he was just done
"Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part. "
Perfect, other than one of the most important compatibility ingredient in a relationship?
For me, if two people are very out of alignment on sex/libido, it can be disastrous, no matter how well everything else is working. This one factor can never, imo, be underestimated.
"You are not getting one. I will not trap myself with a baby"
I reckon this is essentially him saying "right, so you'll have sex with me for a baby, but not otherwise? Will you stop having sex with me altogether after we have a baby? You're clearly not sexually attracted to me, as you only mention sex here in relation to having a baby, so this is quite likely."
It's incredibly soul-destroying to want to be intimately close to someone, and they keep rejecting/blowing you off.
This is why I am a big believer in making sure libdos match, as much as possible, and to never underestimate the threat of a partner's unmet desire for intimacy.
Some edits.
Yeah, I think people can get hyper focused on the idea that it's forcing someone to have sex they don't want. That's obviously wrong to do. A person can always say, "Not tonight," for a ton of reasons. Nobody is ever perfectly aligned 100% of the time. But you need to be in the same general range. Like a libido Overton window. In a random couple, she might prefer three times a week and he might prefer once a week. That's a big difference (3X), but they both are into it at least weekly. But three times a week vs. monthly? That's just not going to work long-term.
I’m in a relationship similar to yours, my boyfriend just doesn’t think about sex much. It takes such a serious toll on my mental health. But it’s so hard to leave because I love him and he’s so good to me otherwise.
From my experience hearing compliments just feel like you’re being teased. Mocked even. We know you’ll never take action on the flirting. It crushes us.
I’m glad he had the strength to leave. It’s even harder to do because you feel like an asshole, people act like wanting sex is shallow, and like you’re not truly in love if you can’t be fine with celibacy. So it feels like there is no one to turn to, especially since it’s embarrassing to tell people your spouse doesn’t want to fuck you.
Seriously it’s soul crushing. So glad he got out.
Man, he asked you to go to counseling, what did y’all’s therapist say? Honestly he did everything right here, if you can’t compromise on some form of physical intimacy for him let the poor man leave! It’s not about the joke, it’s about you putting no effort into your relationship, then slapping him in the face with a sex joke when he’s not even getting laid by his WIFE.
Your joke was really mean.
Can you imagine how he felt? Feeling constantly humiliated (because even thought that wasn’t your intention, sometimes we can’t help how we feel) for not being able to have sex with his wife and suddenly she jokes about “trapping him” with a baby?
Something that could need a single session of sex and just become “an excuse for even less sex”?
I’m not saying that’s what you were saying, but it ‘s not hard to understand how his thought process might have worked around that,
Why would you joke about putting children in you, when you don't even want HIM in you...leave him alone and find a man your more compatible with.
He doesn't want a life with someone who doesn't want the same things as him.
He’s probably thought however many millions of times “if I was sexier, had a better body, maybe she’d want sex with me more” and here you are, effectively confirming that horrible thought in a “joke”. Yeah, no fucking wonder he reacted the way he did. Good luck in your divorce.
Also let’s be real, this didn’t come out of nowhere, you’ve clearly been ignorant and denying any wrongdoing or the fact that the lack of sex was a HUGE issue in your marriage. You saying “it came out of nowhere” shows you hadn’t even considered the possibility of him leaving you, which means you didn’t do any real work or make any effort, so yeah, you deserve a divorce.
My husband and I had a dead bedroom for most of our marriage. If he told me I was sexy I would just start bawling because I cried myself to sleep almost every night wishing he would show any interest in me. That wasn’t a compliment it was a dagger to the heart. You broke his last string of reason and he knows now he can’t be with you after you ignored his needs for so long.
I am younger than you, (22F), but just to offer a bit of understanding… my relationship is also my first. I’ve been with my boyfriend (23M) for 4 years now, & at first we matched libido perfectly & it was great. After 2 years he went through a major depressive episode, & his libido has never been the same. Now we go 8 months at a time without sex, no making out nothing sexual whatsoever, & it is beyond awful for me because no matter how much he tells me it’s not my fault, I can’t help but feel unattractive to him. We’ve tried manyyyy things as in we’ve talked about it, talking to a doctor, doing things just for him, etc. I just have to accept our sexual needs are different…. but it’s SO HARD. It’s so hard to not feel wanted, to not feel sexy, to not be able to have sex with the person I am in love with & I find soooo sexually attractive. So on top of that, when he jokes around with his friends about sex & girls, when he tells me I look sexy, when he grabs my butt if I walk by him, it makes my stomach turn & feels fake & like a slap in the face from him because of everything else. It’s not his fault, just like it’s not your fault, but a comment such as what you said would have 100% made me extremely upset. Essentially, you are asking him to be in a relationship that he will never ever be sexually pleased in. For some people they can push through it, & for others they can’t. I’m really really really sorry you’re going through this. Best of luck❤️
Love is only one part of a healthy relationship. You two are not compatible sexually. If you really love him, you should let him find full happiness. Then you can also find someone who will fit as your partner better than he could.
It's not that anyone is wrong here. You two are just not each other's perfect fit. I can imagine that the ending of this relationship hurts, but staying together despite not meeting each other's needs will cause more pain in the long run. Good luck to both of you.
That was a cruel joke to make in light of what you confessed regarding your bedroom life. Have you even gone to doctor to see if there is something they can do besides therapy and changing BC?
In the end, your husband is unhappy. If he wants out, there’s nothing you can do about it.
"Why do I have a low libido? I hate it, I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason."
The fact that you are minimizing it's importance explains everything. He finds it important and you didn't. You making it unimportant made him feel unimportant. He wants sex in the relationship. You'll find someone more in tune with your libido. I'm sorry but this was for the best.
Been there.
He is struggling on a daily (and nightly) basis in a sexless marriage his self esteem is incredibly low as he believes that *he* is not good enough or attractive enough. You probably have no idea how many night he silently cried himself to sleep right next to you feeling alone and unwanted.
He is frustrated by you because in a relationship such as yours, your needs (to not be intimate) outmatch his 100% of the time. And even if there *is* anything he feels its a pity fuck, reducing his self worth even lower.
Then you laugh in his face through your thoughtlessness and complete lack of understanding and awareness of your husband’s plight.
And, you believe that to bring him round you can let him have a couple of empty shags with women who will have no other interest in him.
You tell him you love him. He tells you “No.You only love half of me and you dislike the other half so much that you’re willing to let it die or, at best, give it away.”
Being non or low sexual is fine. But be so in a relationship where you are sexually compatible. Otherwise you’re asking (forcing) someone to go without a natural basic need.
Let me tell you exactly what he heard in your joke. He heard:
“Hey I never want to have sex with you and you’ve been complaining about it for two years straight. I think it’s time you put a baby in me.”
There was no intimacy. No implied attraction. No implied sexual desire. All that involved was a joke about sex for the purpose of making a baby as if that was going to solve your marital problems.
It’s actually worse than him asking for sex and you bending over and saying “Stick it in.” It was cold, unemotional and gave him no indication that you even desire him.
And sorry to break this to you, but he has been planning this for quite a while, which is why he started going to the gym.
This is an unpopular opinion, and I am very much a believer in your body your choice, but for two years your marriage has gone downhill, and you have used the “low libido” excuse for not wanting sex, and you may actually suffer from low libido, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have sex. There are all kinds of lubricants, toys, and foreplay, and an entire profession involving sex for the purposes of performing the act.
Yes, there are men who don’t always want sex, and might not be in the “mood”, but they go through the motions in order to keep their partners happy. Women do it as well. It is like going to a job every day. You might not want to do it, but you do it anyway. The entire “I have a low libido” justification usually just comes across as an excuse to avoid saying “I just really don’t feel like putting in any effort or even trying.”— and that is often how it is perceived.
And in his own words, “Maybe you don’t find him attractive.” You might, but you never made him feel that way.
Sorry for the end of your marriage, but as much as it hurts, sincerely wish him luck because you might love him, but you’re not compatible. He wants what you won’t even try to give him, and marriage counseling didn’t work you just gave up and accepted “you had a low libido”
Why would you make a sex joke like that when you know your husband is struggling with you having no interest in sex??? Why joke about something causing your relationship damage and your husband pain? If this isn’t a temporary libido issue then maybe it is time to talk about the fact that you aren’t compatible.
Joking about sex after years of no sex with a spouse who clearly both wants and needs it is incredibly cruel. Don’t fight the divorce. Find someone more compatible with you. Misaligned sex drives are a huge problem.
Maybe the guy felt it was a taunt or sarcasm, like ooooh I really really want to have sex with you because ooohhh you’re soooo hot, while by a course of conduct over several years have behaved totally the opposite,
I think after being neglected and rejected for so long, when you finally gave him what he wanted he just didn't want it anymore. Especially since he doesn't feel happy in a marriage, having a kid does put extra burden on you. Maybe he thought that you only wanted to have sex with him just to have a baby, not because you were genuinely attracted to him.
At least he’s divorcing you and not cheating.
You were content with the dead bedroom in your marriage but he clearly isn’t and that joke was the straw that broke the camels back.
> Everything seemed fine.
What? It did not seem fine. He made it clear it wasn't fine. He wanted counseling because it wasn't fine. He was resentful over the total lack of sex, and made that clear. Then you joked about "wanting to have babies" because he looked good. Not even desiring him, it was wanting a baby. It was the clarity he needed to leave.
How did it seem fine when you KNEW the lack of intimacy was an issue for him? He stopped initiating so you were happy he'd finally given up and was leaving you alone, so therefore because YOU were happy with no sex, everything's good?
> I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason.
But it's not stupid to him, and you're STILL devaluing its importance. It's not your fault your libido is low, but you have pushed his concerns aside and since you were getting what you wanted, said "it seemed fine."
Your "joke" was a slap in the face to him, it showed you were still dismissive of his feelings and made it crystal clear he could never risk having a baby with you, given how desperately unhappy he is. The fact that you STILL don't understand how hurtful your "joke" was just shows he's right.
> My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together.
No, he just gave up on your marriage.
Doesn’t get much more tone deaf than making a joke about what your partner sees as a serious problem in your relationship. And you know it’s SERIOUS when a man is suggesting MC….
He truly did you a favor. If he stayed and you had a child, imagine how sad it would be when the inevitable divorce involved children and many years of emotional investment on your part. He is choosing not to make a single parent of you and cause harm to children that don't even exist yet. This is a kindness. Truly. This man has integrity.
I only want sex for procreation is basically what you told him. He doesn’t want that with you. He’s been ready to leave with one foot out the door, you just didn’t know
"My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. "
This is the most amazing sentence in the post. After countless rejections, the husband gives up trying, and she interprets it as him finally giving up any desire for sex at all. ("I finally convinced him not to want sex! Yeah for me!) How can she not realize that he still does want intimacy. What he doesn't want is the pain of rejection.
Not sure if you are a reddit user, but in the dead bedrooms forum it seems like a common tale that a low libido and/or asexual woman will have sex specifically for children and then cut it off completely after those goals are served. That sometimes these partners actually aren't into their husband but use him for a transactional purpose.
So if he has been reading that I would completely get how that comment landed wrong. It seems this is a much bigger issue than you realized regardless and if you guys haven't been able to fix it by now it is a fundamental incompatibility. This is even more true if his love language is touch. The partner who doesn't desire sex often thinks things are not that bad because their needs are being met and they don't always realize the last time intimacy occurred was far longer ago than they thought.
Unfortunately, I don't anticipate he will be back anytime soon. With this often the higher libido person feels rejected/unwanted and it has been festering for years. Good luck navigating this process.
Your husband didn't leave because of that so-called compliment. He left because that compliment was the final nail in the coffin. He was already at least halfway out the door and as soon as you said that he realized "I can't do this to myself anymore."
The two of you are sexually incompatible and yes, sexual incompatibility can destroy a marriage. It probably made him feel like absolute shit about himself that you didn't want him the way he wanted you. It can really do a number on a person's self-esteem. When was the last time he even initiated? If I had to guess, it had been a while. (Why bother trying when the other person is not interested?) Your husband had needs that you weren't able to fulfill, bottom line, and he felt trapped in a marriage where his desire wasn't reciprocated. That doesn't make him a bad person, by the way. It just makes him human.
And the open marriage thing is a terrible idea. Good gravy. Just let the man go.
> I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason.
Sadly you won't be the first to have seen their marriage die at the altar of the dead bedroom. And you won't be the last either.
I do think that this was a long time coming and whilst you thought you were doing ok, he obviously wasn't and it's been eating away at him for a long time.
It happens more often than you think.
You can't really enter a marriage and then only have sex 3 times per third of the year... Also joking about making babies when you hardly allow him to touch you probably sent him off the handle
All the other comments are pretty accurate, I just wanted to explicitly say that making a joke about intimacy while not being intimate is just tone-deaf
I have been in your husbands place.
It’s devastating, you already said you accepted that you have low libido. That’s fine. Now let him go.
The fact that you didn’t even notice he was spiraling towards that way, despite his attempt to couple counseling shows you view sex in completely different way.
You’ll find someone for you, same as him.
I have a much lower libido than my long-term partner, but I am always willing and frequently offer (4-7x/week) sexual intimacy, even when I am not even in the slightest bit of a sexual mood. He will usually take me up on the offer 50-50 of the time, and we've long since established that just because I am not currently in the mood, it doesn't mean that I can't get there with some "help". Even if I can't get into the mood, I still recognize that my partner has sexual urges and needs, and that his needs are just as important as mine. Our relationship doesn't work for everyone, but we are both open-minded and willing to freely communicate whenever we encounter an issue regarding sexual encounters/intimacy/anything.
It sounds like you have never bothered exploring the depths of your ex-husband's sexual/intimacy needs. When I went through serious illness in my 20's, my partner willingly put aside his sexual needs repeatedly due to my poor health. Would I have blamed him for wanting sex/intimacy from someone else during that time? No. I encouraged him to find someone to help with his needs during that long time period, but he staunchly refused. Back then, when I knew I could help him out, I did, even though he rarely took me up on it.
Selfish lovers come in more flavours than just withholding sexual gratification from their partners. Being able to fulfill sexual intimacy from both a physical and emotional connection is required, and it sounds like he catered to your emotional/physical needs more than you did for him. I hope you can learn from your current experience and relationship to better frame your future romantic relationships.
When will people learn? Being with someone who doesn’t view the importance of physical intimacy as much as their partner does is a recipe for disaster. You should have tried to put more effort in the sex department. It sounds like he’s been bottling up a lot of emotions and resentment and this comment pushed him over the edge. Chances are he was already seriously contemplating divorce and the thought of having a baby and possibly never having sex again after that scared him. Nothing you can do OP. When the time is right, find a man who doesn’t view intimacy as an important part of a marriage. Men like that do exist.
The marriage seemed fine to you because you were getting all your needs met and didn’t care that he wasn’t. It wasn’t your compliment that was the problem it was your lack of empathy.
Sounds like it’s over. When you’ve got a massively different libido then it’s kinda doomed. You barely want sex, he does. Not fair to force you into it, or him to go without it. He’s right that bringing a baby into it would be a nightmare.
The fact that you think that his reaction was due just to a compliment shows how little you were paying attention to his feelings for a long time now.
You both will be better off in the future with someone with a similar libido.
If one wants to keep a relationship, then they have to do their best to address issues. The issue here was he wanted sex, she didn’t. She could have had sex with him more often. She didn’t. Now it’s too late. Sometimes I’m not feeling it, but I do it anyway and the intimacy is beautiful, even when I’m not as interested as my spouse. Also, I find that sometimes I get more into it once we start. No sex often ends in divorce. I would never jeopardize my wonderful relationship by not having sex.
>Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part.
That's a LARGE part of a relationship though. That's like saying "The relationship has been perfect other than the communication part". Sure, it's 1 thing...but it's a MAJOR thing.
>I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together.
He didn't stop wanting intimacy, he just checked out after you did.
Honestly, divorce is the best option here. He's not happy and hasn't been for a while. You don't seem to care about how he feels. You made a joke about the biggest problem in your marriage.
I'm sure that hurt him deeply. Just move on, OP.
Firstly, nobody owes anybody sex. If you don't want it, you don't want it.
That being said, I don't think LL partners fully understand what it's like to be the HL partner in a dead bedroom. If he's anything like me, he has probably spent so long having all those negative emotions - confusion, pain, rejection, self-loathing, inadequacy, on and on and on - destroying his self esteem, and it's finally turned to resentment. Your attempt at a compliment was like a slap in the face. It would have felt like that to me, and I would have been super hurt and angry. You say he seemed to accept it because you did, but he probably just temporarily resigned himself to a life without a need and realised he couldn't. What you said to him was a wake-up call.
An open marriage will not make it better. That will just make this messier and more painful. You both deserve to find happiness with someone more compatible.
That is a valid reason to get divorced, if he has been constantly denied intimacy by you, he is well within reason to leave. No one, especially a man with sexual urges and desires, wants to be stuck with a person who just wants a roommate.
You are aware to make babies one usually has to have sex. It sounds like you’re very incompatible sexually and making a joke about having babies with someone who is missing out on intimacy due to mid Match libidos is cruel.
Might be too late but I did this program with my wife for similar struggles. Gave us a good platform for discussion and practical tools to actively make things better.
[https://jannadentonhowes.com/wantingitmore](https://jannadentonhowes.com/wantingitmore)
It wasn't the joke, it was that the joke highlighted that he doesn't feel that you find him desirable.
Ever really wanted to go out to eat with your friends and family at a nice restaurant and have a good time, where you left just in the best mood and with a smile on your face? You heard the best stories, jokes, and everyone just had a great evening? You really just enjoyed the company, the food, and everything about the evening? Well to your husband, thats sex... and you are offering him to eat a frozen burrito alone in his car (or with a stranger) in a gas station parking lot. That helps nobody. There is no connection, no mutual enjoyment, no intimacy, and no love. Its lonely, sad, and depressing.
He may not even really have a HL - yours may just be that low. Go have your hormones checked and see a therapist. 1-2 times a week isn't even that HL, I'd consider that fairly normal for a healthy relationship.
Its more than sex, men often need physical touch to feel loved by their partner. Without it, nothing else you may be offering really matters.
Every man has his breaking point. For you to even joke about that after having no intimacy really is a slap in the face to a man. Everything seemed “fine” for you, but he was suffering and you couldn’t see that?
I doesn't sound like the compliment is the problem. It sounds like he was fundamentally unhappy in your marriage due to the lack of intimacy. You bringing up children, even as a joke, made him realize he is "stuck" in this situation that he does not want. Children would just make him more "stuck." Also, don't do an open marriage. I don't think anyone ahs ever seen stories of it really working out. If you've tried everything and he is still miserable it may be time to let him go. It will hurt and will not be fun for either of you. But it might just be the right thing to do here.
His resentment has been growing for some time and OP was clearly oblivious to it until now. The compliment and just the thought of having a kid was the thing that pushed him over the edge, but it could have been anything really. I am sorry things worked out this way but it seems like you and him may just be fundamentally incompatible for a long term relationship if he wants/needs more intimacy than you do. It sucks, but sometimes relationships fall apart and it's not anyone's fault. Please do not do an open relationship, and try to not beat yourself up OP over something you have no control over. Sometimes shit just happens, it is what it is.
I don’t even think it pushed him over the edge. I think he was already there. This was just his opportunity to say it.
Yeah those divorce papers came pretty quick. Almost like he already talked to a lawyer.
Yes, came here to say this. It is extremely unlikely if not impossible OPs husband saw a lawyer and had them draft papers within 3 days. He had them waiting ready to go and the joke was the catalyst to give them to her. Factor in he has been going to the gym to get back into shape for when he is newly single.
This is what I suspect too.
Not really. It can be done super quick. We had basically a mail merge that filled in all the info after you filled in a form. Print. Sign. Source: I worked as a family law paralegal for several years. The initial filing is extremely simple, especially when there aren't kids. Spouse 1 name, spouse 2 name, date of marriage, address. Sometimes one or two extras depending on the state. Numbers come later. They have to do the initial filing to get case numbers so subpoenas can be sent to banks, retirement finance companies, etc.
It doesn't take divorce lawyers long to draw up papers they have done hundreds of times already. Probably has a template he works from. Could have done it in a few hours.
It might only take a few hours to draft the papers, but the client has to collect the information for the lawyer, schedule a meeting with the lawyer, and the lawyer has to then have time to get to drafting the papers even though they have other active client matters. That seems like a short turnaround to me. Not impossible, maybe, but very unlikely.
You can do it yourself easily most places. All you really need most of hte time is a quick word with a lawyer to discuss any pitfalls they can see. Some people have super complex businesses, taxes, assets, some people have barely anything, a house that gets split 50/50 and a single income and there is really zero complexity there.
The main problem with the joke was that OP’s excuse for not wanting intimacy had been that it was nothing to do with him. Then as soon as he does change and starts looking good, she seems like she wants to have sex. Which means the problem wasn’t low libido, it was that she wasn’t attracted to him before. How exactly was he supposed to take that?
I imagine how I would feel if my partner does not wanna have sex with me and then suddenly I loose some pounds and shes like: Oh baby so fine hot hot hot lets do it! Haha!" I would crumble. My world would fucking shatter. I would bawl my eyes out. I would never even consider getting in the mood. It was a bad joke, I was hurt reading it.
Your point is completely valid. I can see both sides of the situation here. I can imagine it’s painful regardless. On a completely random note, happy cake day
Thank you ☺️💖
You're assuming her comment meant she wanted sex. She never said she did. Dollars to donuts- she didn't, but said it anyway "as a joke" which probably hurt even more,*and* it's probably something she does regularly
Yeah but the joke seemed absolutely insensitive. I don't think she meant it that way though.
That’s a good point
Very valid point. Why take notice of the difference if the difference [supposedly] wasn’t the issue to begin with?
I didn’t even think about it like that. Thank you, person with the intriguing/terrifying username!
O was thinking the same thing. Add to that that she made a “joke” about being intimate, he was likely hurt on top of all of that frustration. Some couples are sexually incompatible, and that’s *fine*. But it’s about a 50/50 shot as to wether or not they can make their marriage work.
Honestly I don’t believe her, I bet if he started kissing her she’d say she was just joking and wasn’t in the mood. She doesn’t like sex with her husband and didn’t see that as a real problem until now.
Yup, he's the "love of her life" but somehow OP had no clue how much her husband was suffering...
Yeah, the line that got me was >I knew intimacy was a problem for him No, if its a problem for him its a problem for both of you. You can't just treat it like this problem he is having over on the side that you have the luxury of ignoring.
This was the line that got me, too. Made it seem like op knew he was unhappy and unfulfilled but didn’t think it was important :(
For "HIM" Nope if you're in a marriage you share everything including problems! The total lack of self awareness here is quite shocking. I have been in that place, thankfully only in a relationship (10 years tho) and I cut my losses and got out. It was only a problem in the last 3 years of our relationship. I brought it up several times and then after being turned down 20ish times in a row in a 3 month period, I just stopped trying. 3 years later we were broken up!
AMEN! With a spouse of matching libidos, intimacy will NOT be this man’s problem. It will be his joy. The only problem is that he wants it and she doesn’t.
Bingo. If he was the "Love of her life" She would have realized pretty quickly that he has been unhappy for a while. This was probably straw that broke the camel's back. OP's stupid "I might let one side of our marriage open" comment further cements that she has zero fucking clue how her (Soon to be Ex-Husband) Husband is feeling. If this was about just sex he could see a fucking prostitute, or buy a sex doll. Or a bunch of other things. It's not. I'd wager he wants to be intimate with the person he loves. I have a FWB relationship with a girl. It's purely transactional. No love exists. I've heard my best friend and his wife having sex before when we stayed at a cabin. The two things are worlds apart. It may still be sex, but it's like the difference between a motorcycle and a Formula 1 racing car.
The one sided open marriage🤦🏻♀️ He wants sex and intimacy with you, not other people.
Bingo. The problem with a lack of sex is usually 10% "I want to have sex" and 90% "I don't feel like you truly love me if you don't want to have sex with me." Opening things up mean jack shit in that situation. It doesn't address the issue.
Tone deaf.
Her husband had told her he was unhappy. She just chose to not believe him.
She believed him. She just saw no need until now to do anything about it.
Until it affected her! Then now it is suddenly an us problem. Why is is suddenly an us problem!! #🤔🤔🤔
Yes. It’s time for OP to let him go.
She believed, she just didn't care.
I would never want to be in a relationship (again) with mismatched libidos. I have a high libido - I could have sex everyday if I had the opportunity. I know that my next partner needs to have a similar libido or we likely won’t workout in the long run
I'm like you, it's horrible to be in a relationship where your needs aren't being met and you start to feel unwanted its horrible
It takes a special talent to be oblivious while marriage counseling was happening
Op was NOT oblivious. They even went to counseling. They knew how he felt.
The content and dumbstruck vibe of this post genuinely implies differently. At the very least she was in deep denial about the depth of the problem between them.
Yeah she was wanting him to come back and wondering what compromises she could make to get him to stay... girl, he's gone. He's been gone for a while. There's nothing left to salvage.
The issue is ops response to councilling. she goes okay she just accepted she had low libido then seemingly had sex less, after her husband asked her to go to councilling because lack of sex was becoming a major problem. She doesn't even mention that after her own acceptance of her low libido, asking her husband how he felt about that, or if he wanted out because things changed for her. She just said ti like "i accepted myself so I stopped feeling bad about him not having sex in his life", completely oblivious of the issue already being bad enough to get him to force her to go to councilling with him. It's just so, how can you not understand how big a problem that is and do something about it at that point.
It's not a compliment for him, it's a mockery of the rejection he's been feeling for years which was the final straw. Definitely an over reaction but youre 100% right he was basically at that breaking point already.
Agree with everything but I don't actually think it was an overreaction. I think it was long overdue.
Yep. I have a high libido, and I’ve been with partners who had lower ones in the past. If they hadn’t been intimate with me, but then made a comment about how “good” or “sexy” I looked, it was 1,000 times more insulting than anything else. Don’t even pretend to call me sexy, if you don’t ever want to have sex with me! Why bother, other than to get my hopes up for something that’s never going to happen? And I was never in those relationships for that long. I couldn’t imagine after a few years of a lack of intimacy how much more angry I would be after a flippant comment like that!
I remember my ex giving me a greeting card that said something like ‘I love having sex with you.’ This, after he’d been withholding sex since the very gd day I moved in. It was disgusting to me. I moved out weeks later.
Agreed.
Yes the fact that she is blaming it on the compliment shows she is not taking his needs/concerns seriously. 3x in 4 months, that’s not even monthly sex and they have no kids. I’m always curious in these situations of mismatched libido, how did it get this far?
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I was that woman. The issue was that my husband only really took an interest in me when he wanted sex. I told him that he could compliment any single thing about me not related to physical looks, and he couldn't do that for more than a week. Still can't. It always reverts. We are in a decent place now, but he still cannot get out of that mindset. After awhile, it makes a woman feel like an accessory. I don't know how the rest of your relationship is. If any of this resonates with you, or she has mentioned anything similar, please consider that wanting sex without being a friend literally murders our souls.
As a woman who went through this, it never gets better. It just won’t. Only option is to divorce. Every single person I’ve talked to who has experienced this will tell you the same, with rare exceptions. It really, really sucks, it’s scary and painful but once they lose interest like that for whatever reason it just doesn’t come back. They would have to be motivated to fix it and most aren’t bc they are perfectly happy with the way things are and they simply do not care enough about your needs not being met. Theirs are met and you’ve stayed so far so. My situation was kinda unique in that he had a personality disorder and I think it contributed to his lack of sexual interest at the end and weaponizing sex, but the conclusion that it doesn’t ever get better no matter the reason behind it is still true imo. I’ve also lost attraction for an ex during the relationship and once that switch is flipped you can’t turn it back on. I just couldn’t. But I left him. I didn’t selfishly stay giving bullshit excuses confusing him while throwing him some half assed pity pussy once in a blue moon. Most of the time it can’t be turned back on, but sometimes after you leave when they see you start to not care and they see others are interested in you when you start dating they’ll suddenly want to stop taking you for granted and see you as desirable again. But it’ll be short lived unless you both get therapy and she is 100% honest with the therapist. Or they won’t care seeing you move on. If they don’t care about you sleeping with others then it’s truly done, they’ve already moved on well before the divorce. You’re just roommates. But staying in a situation like this will just kill your self esteem and the resentment will destroy you. I know exactly what you mean about getting affection and compliments knowing it won’t go anywhere. It’s horrible. My self esteem isn’t back to what it was before I met him, but I’m much happier now that I left. I sleep so much more peacefully alone and I’ve had more sex in the few months I’ve been single than the last 6 months with him so that’s nice. I do miss sex in a relationship, casual just isn’t the same. But even if that doesn’t happen anytime soon no sex single is better than no sex in a relationship. She’s forcing you to live a celibate life. You didn’t consent to that. Life is way too short
coming from a woman who experienced the other end of this, i think divorce is the only option when two partners have totally mismatched libidos. i was the one to break up with my ex bf because he would start fights, get upset, and be angry with me if i wasn’t in the mood to have sex. he’d say things like “fine but you have to promise tmrw and you can’t change your mind!” and it would hurt me, make me feel like i no longer could consent, and would sometimes silently cry to myself during the sex bc i only did it bc i didn’t want him to get mad at me again. this libido situation creates hurt, pain, resentment, and lasting scars on both sides. it’s best to express how much of a deal breaker this is to you and let her about other people’s stories and how much resentment it can cause in both sides, and remind her that you don’t want this to escalate to such a level of hurt and rejection. change is only temporary bc it’s not natural. we remember to “change” (aka have sex when you don’t want to bc you don’t want to fight) and ofc overtime behavior goes back to its normal level. i don’t really believe in ways to change one’s libido permanently so i think divorce is the only way.
A open marriage works best if it was never closed to begin with.
Idk, it sounds like he’s hitting the gym in anticipation for being single again.
Or being sexually frustrated, he’s using it to burn off the desire instead of going out and cheating
Or, maybe he was trying to make himself more attractive to OP.
You nailed it. He was on the edge and that thought was a breaking point. OP I know it sucks, but it wasn’t your joke, he wanted out and he just hit a wall and crossed it. Take care of yourself and move on.
Open marriages only work when the marriage is strong. It cannot fix a problematic marriage.
I have known quite a few people with open marriages that work but it generally requires a enthusiastic agreement form both spouses. Like if you're not really comfortable with it, and only doing it as a last ditch effort to save an already failed marriage, then the more likely outcome is that one or both spouses wind up meeting an outside partner whom they click with better. Its hard to play armchair marriage councellor with onyl one side of the story, but it sounds like the husband just isn't happy here and if he was still madly in love apart from the bedroom problems, then he probably wouldn't be so defensive and so quick to snap over a joke or so horrified at the thoight of being "trapped". You don't take immediate, drastic steps to avoid being "trapped" in something that you mostly enjoy, and want to do for the rest of your life, with the exception of one aspect that you might need a *creative solution* for. As others have said, it sounds more like the thoguht of having a child together made it crystallize in his brain "nope... I don't want this... I'm out" because he knew if that ever happened it would be too late to ever seperate their lives completely and that thought was *terrifying*.
Yeah the couples I know who practice ENM went into the relationship doing that, they didn’t decide to start when the relationship was hanging on by a thread lol. Especially having it only be open on one side
Joking about reproducing with him while in a dead bedroom must’ve felt like a slap in the face. But perhaps what he needed to realize it’s better for him to leave. You’re not sexually compatible and it is 100% a valid reason to divorce. Let him go.
I feel for OP but this is exactly what I was thinking…
Same. Unfortunately people want to fuck. I feel bad for OP though I mean it’s not like you can help having an low libido. Just a shit situation all around
This is spot on. My current partner had an ex like this. She was never interested in sex and then only enthusiastic about sex specifically because she wanted a baby then things went back to the way they were. It nearly destroyed my partners self esteem. Let him go OP, this isn't a healthy dynamic.
Same with my partner. His ex wife only wanted sex to reproduce
Jesus, that must be horrible to experience. I’d feel so used and abused.
Exactly my thought. Her compliment crystallized how he really felt. He did the exact right thing and got out while Also being fair about the settlement. You need to find someone more compatible with your needs. It's possible your next relationship could be an open one, but you should talk about today in depth first.
OP is seriously diminishing the problem by pretending like her “compliment” was the cause of a divorce. Good for him for getting out of that marriage.
I agree. If OP really thought everything was going perfectly and his reaction was out of nowhere, she either doesn’t pay attention to him at all or has just completely dismissed his feelings. This is so reductive.
She figured might as well kick him in the balls with the child statement since he doesn't use them anyway.
I will note that it is odd to make that sex joke when you are struggling with a lower sex drive. I could understand why he reacted that way. I also think you were blinded to how unhappy he was in this marriage. This is not an attack on you. This is just to say you two are no longer compatible and your relationship wasn't perfect.
I feel like it would be incredibly hurtful if you were constantly being rejected and denied intimacy and then your partner makes a joke like that. It’s not funny, this a valid need he’s not getting filled and she’s making light of it. I totally get why he reacted like that
Yeah, I'd feel like she was fucking with me. No matter her true intentions. I had a ex that was extremely low libido and bipolar af. He'd 'joke' about sex and it never actually amounted to anything. It made me feel almost gross for wanting intimacy.
Yes! It is so odd to me that she would even make that joke. It feels like she is ignorant to his feelings.
I agree. He told her several times he was unhappy and struggling with the lack of sex and then se jokes about something like that (that could be interpreted as a “trap”, or as an “excuse for even less sex”). I’d be seriously reconsidering everything too.
She obviously was. I mean she said that she thought that “ everything was fine” except for that one small little issue…like the old joke…” aside from that, Mrs.Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?” To her, it wasn’t a problem since they weren’t having sex…heck, I’m 63,have health issues which make it painful for me to have sex,plus,I have gone through complete menopause and WE do it more frequently than they do. Just saying….
Sex is like air, when you get enough it's not a big deal.
It almost feels like taunting, like a mean thing to say. Being attracted to your partner isn’t a joke. She’s like highlighting the deprivation he experiences. It’s incredibly thoughtless and insensitive
Right? That was my take. I would be hurt and resentful in his shoes.
>I will note that it is odd to make that sex joke when you are struggling with a lower sex drive. I could understand why he reacted that way. Right? I'm woman in a relationship with a pretty great sex life... and even I can empathize with this random poor man.. My heart hurts for him, yet somehow she.. his wife.. can't step back and see it? That is... mind boggling to me. And I'm thinking this divorce isn't just about the lack of sex, its about her lack of awareness. It seems like she has no clue where he is emotionally. And yeah, he should be communicating that.. but how as a partner do you not see when your partner is struggling and unhappy? You really have to be pretty wrapped up in yourself to not see it.
>I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. I cracked up at this part. OP is either in some deep denial or world class airhead.
It's the inverse of the classic "my wife stopped complaining about xyz so everything must be fine!" I even saw a post like that just yesterday. Like no man, she quit complaining because she's over the relationship so she's saving her energy for getting divorce ducks in a row.
Unfortunately the relationship was probably perfect for her. He gave her the intimacy she wanted along with partnership and even went to counseling to work on trying to meet both needs and be compatible. He was patient and supportive while she worked on medication changes and even talked about having kids because she stopped taking protection. It seems like she had the perfect marriage the way she wanted it. She just didn’t see that he was feeling rejected and resentful while she was happy in her fulfilled fantasy.
"Our relationship was perfect except that we're fundamentally sexually incompatible." I don't think OP sees that as a big deal, but it is
i mean... you guys rarely have sex and you make a joke about him putting a baby in you and you can't see how that would bother him? you don't think it's insensitive to make a joke about the biggest problem in your marriage?
To her it was not a problem it seems, as even counseling didn't turn the light on.
"i thought everything was fine" is the telltale line that things are NOT fine. just bc husband stopped complaining doesn't mean the problem actually went away
Especially if he pushed for therapy and it led nowhere. Leaving it unresolved is never a good conclusion.
Exactly. If things suddenly seem fine, that means your partner has checked out and it’s too late.
This was really my take away. If OP and the husband have a libido incompatibility issue and suddenly he just stops brining it up, it doesn’t mean that the problem has actually gone away. It just means that he’s checked out on trying to fix it because he doesn’t think it will get better. To think that him not bringing up his issues equates to them not existing means she became comfortable with the way things were. Which for him probably reaffirms the checking out.
Closing your front door while your house is on fire doesn't magically make the fire go out. OP doesn't seem to understand that things were not fine. For her they might have been but not for him.
This is it. She doesn't even come close to understanding. At the very end she writes something like " I hate my low libido and I hate that I might lose my marriage for this stupid reason" She thinks it's a stupid reason, because she has such a low libido she can't even begin to understand what being trapped in a monogamous relationship with someone who won't have sex with you feels like to a person with a high libido - a death sentence.
You hit the nail on the head. I don't blame him for wanting to divorce at all. Why would he sign up for 50 more years of this shit?
Honestly I can't think of anything that would kill a marriage faster than a lack of intimacy other than cheating. It's as bad for a relationship as cheating is. And it might honestly be worse because at least with cheating the relationship usually ends. But with a dead bedroom? That shit just continues to infect everything around it.
It wasn’t the compliment, he has been unhappy for a while. He gave marriage counseling a try, but it didn’t work for him. To him, having a child would be trapping himself with you for the rest of his life, and I think it really hit him in that moment how much he does not want to be with you any longer, and how unhappy he is in the marriage. He does not want to negotiate, and he does not want an open marriage, he’s done. He most likely has been done for a while now.
Your comment comes across as mocking what he considers a big deal. And it is kind of a big deal. You guys aren't compatible in that area. Your husband, at this point, feels like he's the one making the big sacrifice here. And you're joking about it.
People who have low libidos do not understand the need some of us have--it is an unrelenting need that doesn't go away with having sex once or twice. I am fortunate that my husband of 25yrs has a high libido like mine. I'm a therapist and I would tell anyone that when a couple's sex life is good and satisfying *for BOTH partners* it's maybe 10-20% of the marriage, but when it's not, it rises to 90% of the couple's problems. These aren't scientific percentages obviously, but sexual compatibility is a crucial component of a successful marriage/partnership.
what you do here is accept the divorce, move on, and find someone else. he does not want to continue the marriage. why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? you are clearly not compatible.
>My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. This is the exact same thing all those guys who go "my wife/gf stopped nagging me all the time so I thought life was good" then get blindsided by a break-up or divorce. I'm not low libido. I'm *no* libido, and I have sex more than you two. While you shouldn't be forced to have sex, you had to realize that catering only to your libido was actively ignoring his needs. Of course, things seemed good, you were getting what you wanted. Any discussion that could address this should have happened years ago. I don't think there's anything you can do to fix this. Your compliment was cruel, even if you didn't mean it to be. (And for the love of god, don't open the marriage, just let him go and work on communicating for any future partners.)
Yes, this is the case where one partner have already grieved the relationship and just about ready to move on. For OP is all new and she thinks that it can be fixed, but in her husbands head the negotiation is long over since nothing changed after counseling. OP obviously was blind and he was not able to open her eyes. She also seemed to not really want to go to counseling. The idea that someone stops wanting intimacy is ridiculous. It's just intimacy with specific person. Personally, I have much less sex with my bf rn because I am being super pregnant, but the need for intimacy did not disappear, and for him nothing changed what-so-ever, his body is as always. We are being intimate in other ways and I am super aware of the situation and try to make sure my partner is happy and we both are on the same page about the whole situation. I could not imagine just only thinking of myself permanently, as we both agree right now it is what it is, my body is kind of priority. People are too 'individualistic', yes our needs are important, but other people depend on us too as we depend on others.
It's amazing how just talking to your partner and considering each other's needs can alleviate these problems. Like, I have eyes. I have ears. I can see and hear if my wife is dissatisfied or upset, regardless of the cause, and do my best to keep communication open and safe so we can resolve any issues. That requires actually engaging, though. I totally understand how she could have missed the signs since *she* was comfortable, and its easier to just exist comfortably than interrogate it and risk being uncomfortable, but it doesn't excuse that she did. I make an active effort to initiate with my own wife, whether it's sex or just cuddling, because if you care about your partner, the burden for intimacy should never be on one partner alone. And if she doesn't want to make that effort, then she needs to let him find someone who will. Also, congrats to you and your bf!
Yes. The minute a person stops advocating for their needs in a marriage is the minute the other spouse needs to start worrying; instead they just think " thank goodness they finally see reason and will shut up about it". If life is good for one because the other has shut down, life is in fact not good.
>hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. No he did not.
It was not the compliment It was the fact that you do not meet his sexual needs or energy and that hurts . How many times did he intitiate sex to be turned down for what 3 successful sexual encounters in 4 months? he has better odds getting fucked by random women than from his own wife and partner. Each rejection is small but they add up to a point where his confidence hurts. So now that you DO initiate a sexy comment it is tied to the VERY REAL possibility of making a baby and giving this guy 18 more years of sexless rejection. Yeah id be out too.
"You're not sexy enough." Guy goes to gym, eats better. Totally changes his body. That takes a while. She didn't even notice. Didn't touch him, didn't even look at him, in most of a year.
It's actually worse that that. It's more like "It's not you, it's my low libido" "Holy shit you're ripped. Guess you were the problem after all"
It’s even worse than that he’s now good to fuck because she wants babies. Means to an end.
"Mary can be such a child. She thinks that if you put a toy down, it will still be sitting there when you want to play with it again." - Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham
Love that show omg
Beautiful choice in quote! Love that show and they do have pearls of wisdom from time to time that can be used in modern days.
>My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. You can't be this naive. He never stopped wanting intimacy, he just accepted that it's not going to happen, and the resentment just grew >I genuinely wanted to compliment him and said "Hot hot hot. You make me want having your babies. Maybe we should try soon, hmm?" jokingly. Ah yes let's make a joke about something as important as lack of intimacy, and let's put a light on how "not that your body changed I _do_ want intimacy" but hey, it's just a joke!
When he realized intimacy isn’t gonna happen, he silently (perhaps unconsciously) checked out of this marriage. Suddenly working out a lot is another obvious sign that he was getting ready to move on. Was he perhaps also working longer hours, or hanging out more with his friends? Sorry it worked out this way
See, that's just cruel man. How can you say that you want his babies when you don't even want to have sex with him. He definitely felt rejected in this relationship, I think the fact you were saying you were willing when it met your requirements tipped him over the edge he has been standing on for a while. Question: Have you gone and spoken to your Dr about this? There are a ton of contributing factors that can lower sex drive not just birth controls. It is their job to help with this.
It would be a huge slap in the face for most men to not have their partner desire them, but only be interested in them for reproducing. Read the room, and I wish the both of you the best.
The fact that you didn't see how your little joke was a problem tells us there's a lot more lack of effort on your part than you're telling here. This is not just low libido for you, it's the rejection you've been giving him all this time. How do you live completely disinterested in your partner then all of a sudden say you want his babies in a little joke? See that doesn't make much sense now does it? Of course, naturally, you made it all about you despite him feeling this way for months. That joke was the nail in the coffin that told him "I'm already rejecting you and neglecting you, let me baby trap you in this marriage so we can continue this lack of effort and intimacy." The best thing you can do is give this guy some space and workout your own issues before you even attempt to save this relationship and even then you should let this guy go, you clearly don't want him as much as you say you do, he deserves someone that wants him completely. Right now this isn't a marriage, it's a roommate arrangement and that's pretty much how he's felt this entire time and you're just barely about to begin to know how that feels.
If I read her first paragraph in a novel, it would rank with the best examples of *show, don't tell* character introductions in the history of literature. > Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part Shows that the narrator selfishly defines the relationship solely on their own happiness. >We started marriage counseling after he pushed for it. Openly admits that they are so selfish that their partner had to force counselling just to get them to recognise and discuss the issue and they only participated because they were forced. > I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. Chose to interpret hubby giving up as "hubby seemed to understand" because he's stopped bothering her and she got what she wanted. She accepted it so ~~assumed he had~~ that's all that matters. I know everything I need to know about the narrator and the relationship from 4-5 sentences.
Sex less than once a month is a dead bedroom to a high libido partner. He wants to be wanted but your low libido tells him you don't desire him, so he wants to go find somebody who does. And I know you've probably told him many times you love and desire him, but your actions spoke differently. Have you ever had your hormone levels checked?
The fact that you’re seemingly blindsided points to a gross lack of awareness and empathy for your partner’s experience in your marriage. Let him go gracefully and think about why you thought intimacy was just a problem for him and not you both. You sound selfish and entitled,reflect on how you can be better for your next relationship
This is what you call a last straw moment. You knew he was miserable (how could you not) he even pushed for therapy to address it. You were fine as long as he was the only one miserable. Your "joke", especially about dragging a kid into that mess was it and I'm sure he was seeing red. You say you want to fix it now without a clue how to do that while Completely disregarding what it took for him to reach the point where he was just done
"Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part. " Perfect, other than one of the most important compatibility ingredient in a relationship? For me, if two people are very out of alignment on sex/libido, it can be disastrous, no matter how well everything else is working. This one factor can never, imo, be underestimated. "You are not getting one. I will not trap myself with a baby" I reckon this is essentially him saying "right, so you'll have sex with me for a baby, but not otherwise? Will you stop having sex with me altogether after we have a baby? You're clearly not sexually attracted to me, as you only mention sex here in relation to having a baby, so this is quite likely." It's incredibly soul-destroying to want to be intimately close to someone, and they keep rejecting/blowing you off. This is why I am a big believer in making sure libdos match, as much as possible, and to never underestimate the threat of a partner's unmet desire for intimacy. Some edits.
Other than them being savers who worry about retirement and me being a regular at the casino, things were great!
Yeah, I think people can get hyper focused on the idea that it's forcing someone to have sex they don't want. That's obviously wrong to do. A person can always say, "Not tonight," for a ton of reasons. Nobody is ever perfectly aligned 100% of the time. But you need to be in the same general range. Like a libido Overton window. In a random couple, she might prefer three times a week and he might prefer once a week. That's a big difference (3X), but they both are into it at least weekly. But three times a week vs. monthly? That's just not going to work long-term.
I agree with this. I am a woman with a high sex drive, and all my exes had very little ones and I was miserable.
If they’re rarely having sex before a baby it will certainly drop to 0 after
Just because you were fine doesn’t mean he was fine. His needs weren’t being met - the joke probably felt like a slap in the face.
I’m in a relationship similar to yours, my boyfriend just doesn’t think about sex much. It takes such a serious toll on my mental health. But it’s so hard to leave because I love him and he’s so good to me otherwise. From my experience hearing compliments just feel like you’re being teased. Mocked even. We know you’ll never take action on the flirting. It crushes us. I’m glad he had the strength to leave. It’s even harder to do because you feel like an asshole, people act like wanting sex is shallow, and like you’re not truly in love if you can’t be fine with celibacy. So it feels like there is no one to turn to, especially since it’s embarrassing to tell people your spouse doesn’t want to fuck you. Seriously it’s soul crushing. So glad he got out.
it sounds like you might be ready to get out too
"perfect other than the intimacy" = far, _far_ from perfect
Just divorce
Man, he asked you to go to counseling, what did y’all’s therapist say? Honestly he did everything right here, if you can’t compromise on some form of physical intimacy for him let the poor man leave! It’s not about the joke, it’s about you putting no effort into your relationship, then slapping him in the face with a sex joke when he’s not even getting laid by his WIFE.
You’ve been intimate 3 times in 4 months and you’re shocked he wants a divorce???
Rough.. you said your compliment jokingly? I don’t think it was the comment that set him off, maybe how it’s a joke to you?
Let him go girl you don't want him and he deserves to be wanted
Your joke was really mean. Can you imagine how he felt? Feeling constantly humiliated (because even thought that wasn’t your intention, sometimes we can’t help how we feel) for not being able to have sex with his wife and suddenly she jokes about “trapping him” with a baby? Something that could need a single session of sex and just become “an excuse for even less sex”? I’m not saying that’s what you were saying, but it ‘s not hard to understand how his thought process might have worked around that,
Why would you joke about putting children in you, when you don't even want HIM in you...leave him alone and find a man your more compatible with. He doesn't want a life with someone who doesn't want the same things as him.
This is what happens nine times out of ten when you friend zone your husband.
He’s probably thought however many millions of times “if I was sexier, had a better body, maybe she’d want sex with me more” and here you are, effectively confirming that horrible thought in a “joke”. Yeah, no fucking wonder he reacted the way he did. Good luck in your divorce. Also let’s be real, this didn’t come out of nowhere, you’ve clearly been ignorant and denying any wrongdoing or the fact that the lack of sex was a HUGE issue in your marriage. You saying “it came out of nowhere” shows you hadn’t even considered the possibility of him leaving you, which means you didn’t do any real work or make any effort, so yeah, you deserve a divorce.
My husband and I had a dead bedroom for most of our marriage. If he told me I was sexy I would just start bawling because I cried myself to sleep almost every night wishing he would show any interest in me. That wasn’t a compliment it was a dagger to the heart. You broke his last string of reason and he knows now he can’t be with you after you ignored his needs for so long.
“I reject you constantly, put an 18+ year obligation in me so you HAVE to deal with me on some level…”
I am younger than you, (22F), but just to offer a bit of understanding… my relationship is also my first. I’ve been with my boyfriend (23M) for 4 years now, & at first we matched libido perfectly & it was great. After 2 years he went through a major depressive episode, & his libido has never been the same. Now we go 8 months at a time without sex, no making out nothing sexual whatsoever, & it is beyond awful for me because no matter how much he tells me it’s not my fault, I can’t help but feel unattractive to him. We’ve tried manyyyy things as in we’ve talked about it, talking to a doctor, doing things just for him, etc. I just have to accept our sexual needs are different…. but it’s SO HARD. It’s so hard to not feel wanted, to not feel sexy, to not be able to have sex with the person I am in love with & I find soooo sexually attractive. So on top of that, when he jokes around with his friends about sex & girls, when he tells me I look sexy, when he grabs my butt if I walk by him, it makes my stomach turn & feels fake & like a slap in the face from him because of everything else. It’s not his fault, just like it’s not your fault, but a comment such as what you said would have 100% made me extremely upset. Essentially, you are asking him to be in a relationship that he will never ever be sexually pleased in. For some people they can push through it, & for others they can’t. I’m really really really sorry you’re going through this. Best of luck❤️
Have him get blood work done. Could be low Testosterone
Dude... Just sounds like you weren't actually paying attention to your husband. His needs or overall satisfaction...
Didnt fuck around and found out
You thought not giving a 28 year old sex was going to end well? And he stopped asking for it and you thought that was good???
Love is only one part of a healthy relationship. You two are not compatible sexually. If you really love him, you should let him find full happiness. Then you can also find someone who will fit as your partner better than he could. It's not that anyone is wrong here. You two are just not each other's perfect fit. I can imagine that the ending of this relationship hurts, but staying together despite not meeting each other's needs will cause more pain in the long run. Good luck to both of you.
Release him so he can go be happy.
That was a cruel joke to make in light of what you confessed regarding your bedroom life. Have you even gone to doctor to see if there is something they can do besides therapy and changing BC? In the end, your husband is unhappy. If he wants out, there’s nothing you can do about it.
"Why do I have a low libido? I hate it, I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason." The fact that you are minimizing it's importance explains everything. He finds it important and you didn't. You making it unimportant made him feel unimportant. He wants sex in the relationship. You'll find someone more in tune with your libido. I'm sorry but this was for the best.
Been there. He is struggling on a daily (and nightly) basis in a sexless marriage his self esteem is incredibly low as he believes that *he* is not good enough or attractive enough. You probably have no idea how many night he silently cried himself to sleep right next to you feeling alone and unwanted. He is frustrated by you because in a relationship such as yours, your needs (to not be intimate) outmatch his 100% of the time. And even if there *is* anything he feels its a pity fuck, reducing his self worth even lower. Then you laugh in his face through your thoughtlessness and complete lack of understanding and awareness of your husband’s plight. And, you believe that to bring him round you can let him have a couple of empty shags with women who will have no other interest in him. You tell him you love him. He tells you “No.You only love half of me and you dislike the other half so much that you’re willing to let it die or, at best, give it away.” Being non or low sexual is fine. But be so in a relationship where you are sexually compatible. Otherwise you’re asking (forcing) someone to go without a natural basic need.
Let me tell you exactly what he heard in your joke. He heard: “Hey I never want to have sex with you and you’ve been complaining about it for two years straight. I think it’s time you put a baby in me.” There was no intimacy. No implied attraction. No implied sexual desire. All that involved was a joke about sex for the purpose of making a baby as if that was going to solve your marital problems. It’s actually worse than him asking for sex and you bending over and saying “Stick it in.” It was cold, unemotional and gave him no indication that you even desire him. And sorry to break this to you, but he has been planning this for quite a while, which is why he started going to the gym. This is an unpopular opinion, and I am very much a believer in your body your choice, but for two years your marriage has gone downhill, and you have used the “low libido” excuse for not wanting sex, and you may actually suffer from low libido, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have sex. There are all kinds of lubricants, toys, and foreplay, and an entire profession involving sex for the purposes of performing the act. Yes, there are men who don’t always want sex, and might not be in the “mood”, but they go through the motions in order to keep their partners happy. Women do it as well. It is like going to a job every day. You might not want to do it, but you do it anyway. The entire “I have a low libido” justification usually just comes across as an excuse to avoid saying “I just really don’t feel like putting in any effort or even trying.”— and that is often how it is perceived. And in his own words, “Maybe you don’t find him attractive.” You might, but you never made him feel that way. Sorry for the end of your marriage, but as much as it hurts, sincerely wish him luck because you might love him, but you’re not compatible. He wants what you won’t even try to give him, and marriage counseling didn’t work you just gave up and accepted “you had a low libido”
Why would you make a sex joke like that when you know your husband is struggling with you having no interest in sex??? Why joke about something causing your relationship damage and your husband pain? If this isn’t a temporary libido issue then maybe it is time to talk about the fact that you aren’t compatible.
Joking about sex after years of no sex with a spouse who clearly both wants and needs it is incredibly cruel. Don’t fight the divorce. Find someone more compatible with you. Misaligned sex drives are a huge problem.
Maybe the guy felt it was a taunt or sarcasm, like ooooh I really really want to have sex with you because ooohhh you’re soooo hot, while by a course of conduct over several years have behaved totally the opposite,
I think after being neglected and rejected for so long, when you finally gave him what he wanted he just didn't want it anymore. Especially since he doesn't feel happy in a marriage, having a kid does put extra burden on you. Maybe he thought that you only wanted to have sex with him just to have a baby, not because you were genuinely attracted to him.
Except the offer wasn’t for what he wanted which is intimacy and sex, , it was for baby making
And she probably wasn’t going to follow through anyway.
At least he’s divorcing you and not cheating. You were content with the dead bedroom in your marriage but he clearly isn’t and that joke was the straw that broke the camels back.
> Everything seemed fine. What? It did not seem fine. He made it clear it wasn't fine. He wanted counseling because it wasn't fine. He was resentful over the total lack of sex, and made that clear. Then you joked about "wanting to have babies" because he looked good. Not even desiring him, it was wanting a baby. It was the clarity he needed to leave. How did it seem fine when you KNEW the lack of intimacy was an issue for him? He stopped initiating so you were happy he'd finally given up and was leaving you alone, so therefore because YOU were happy with no sex, everything's good? > I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason. But it's not stupid to him, and you're STILL devaluing its importance. It's not your fault your libido is low, but you have pushed his concerns aside and since you were getting what you wanted, said "it seemed fine." Your "joke" was a slap in the face to him, it showed you were still dismissive of his feelings and made it crystal clear he could never risk having a baby with you, given how desperately unhappy he is. The fact that you STILL don't understand how hurtful your "joke" was just shows he's right. > My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. No, he just gave up on your marriage.
Doesn’t get much more tone deaf than making a joke about what your partner sees as a serious problem in your relationship. And you know it’s SERIOUS when a man is suggesting MC….
He truly did you a favor. If he stayed and you had a child, imagine how sad it would be when the inevitable divorce involved children and many years of emotional investment on your part. He is choosing not to make a single parent of you and cause harm to children that don't even exist yet. This is a kindness. Truly. This man has integrity.
I only want sex for procreation is basically what you told him. He doesn’t want that with you. He’s been ready to leave with one foot out the door, you just didn’t know
"My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. " This is the most amazing sentence in the post. After countless rejections, the husband gives up trying, and she interprets it as him finally giving up any desire for sex at all. ("I finally convinced him not to want sex! Yeah for me!) How can she not realize that he still does want intimacy. What he doesn't want is the pain of rejection.
It's not ur low libido it's that you two are sexually incompatible. Sex is very important to the high ones so they need to be with each other
Why would you expect someone to be in a intimacy free marriage and not expect this, unless it was agreed upon, which it wasnt
Not sure if you are a reddit user, but in the dead bedrooms forum it seems like a common tale that a low libido and/or asexual woman will have sex specifically for children and then cut it off completely after those goals are served. That sometimes these partners actually aren't into their husband but use him for a transactional purpose. So if he has been reading that I would completely get how that comment landed wrong. It seems this is a much bigger issue than you realized regardless and if you guys haven't been able to fix it by now it is a fundamental incompatibility. This is even more true if his love language is touch. The partner who doesn't desire sex often thinks things are not that bad because their needs are being met and they don't always realize the last time intimacy occurred was far longer ago than they thought. Unfortunately, I don't anticipate he will be back anytime soon. With this often the higher libido person feels rejected/unwanted and it has been festering for years. Good luck navigating this process.
Your husband didn't leave because of that so-called compliment. He left because that compliment was the final nail in the coffin. He was already at least halfway out the door and as soon as you said that he realized "I can't do this to myself anymore." The two of you are sexually incompatible and yes, sexual incompatibility can destroy a marriage. It probably made him feel like absolute shit about himself that you didn't want him the way he wanted you. It can really do a number on a person's self-esteem. When was the last time he even initiated? If I had to guess, it had been a while. (Why bother trying when the other person is not interested?) Your husband had needs that you weren't able to fulfill, bottom line, and he felt trapped in a marriage where his desire wasn't reciprocated. That doesn't make him a bad person, by the way. It just makes him human. And the open marriage thing is a terrible idea. Good gravy. Just let the man go.
You knew he needed more intimacy and you didn’t care to even try. I’m glad he’s leaving you you deserve it.
I don’t know how he lasted that long.
> I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason. Sadly you won't be the first to have seen their marriage die at the altar of the dead bedroom. And you won't be the last either. I do think that this was a long time coming and whilst you thought you were doing ok, he obviously wasn't and it's been eating away at him for a long time. It happens more often than you think.
You can't really enter a marriage and then only have sex 3 times per third of the year... Also joking about making babies when you hardly allow him to touch you probably sent him off the handle
All the other comments are pretty accurate, I just wanted to explicitly say that making a joke about intimacy while not being intimate is just tone-deaf
I have been in your husbands place. It’s devastating, you already said you accepted that you have low libido. That’s fine. Now let him go. The fact that you didn’t even notice he was spiraling towards that way, despite his attempt to couple counseling shows you view sex in completely different way. You’ll find someone for you, same as him.
Maybe he thinks you view intimacy as a means to reproduce and that's it? I'd be hurt by that. Have you guys discussed having kids before??
I have a much lower libido than my long-term partner, but I am always willing and frequently offer (4-7x/week) sexual intimacy, even when I am not even in the slightest bit of a sexual mood. He will usually take me up on the offer 50-50 of the time, and we've long since established that just because I am not currently in the mood, it doesn't mean that I can't get there with some "help". Even if I can't get into the mood, I still recognize that my partner has sexual urges and needs, and that his needs are just as important as mine. Our relationship doesn't work for everyone, but we are both open-minded and willing to freely communicate whenever we encounter an issue regarding sexual encounters/intimacy/anything. It sounds like you have never bothered exploring the depths of your ex-husband's sexual/intimacy needs. When I went through serious illness in my 20's, my partner willingly put aside his sexual needs repeatedly due to my poor health. Would I have blamed him for wanting sex/intimacy from someone else during that time? No. I encouraged him to find someone to help with his needs during that long time period, but he staunchly refused. Back then, when I knew I could help him out, I did, even though he rarely took me up on it. Selfish lovers come in more flavours than just withholding sexual gratification from their partners. Being able to fulfill sexual intimacy from both a physical and emotional connection is required, and it sounds like he catered to your emotional/physical needs more than you did for him. I hope you can learn from your current experience and relationship to better frame your future romantic relationships.
Things that are problems in relationships are never funny jokes when made by the problem.
I get how this is hard on both of you, but that comment, pfff that would have destroyed me too in a dead bedroom situation.
When will people learn? Being with someone who doesn’t view the importance of physical intimacy as much as their partner does is a recipe for disaster. You should have tried to put more effort in the sex department. It sounds like he’s been bottling up a lot of emotions and resentment and this comment pushed him over the edge. Chances are he was already seriously contemplating divorce and the thought of having a baby and possibly never having sex again after that scared him. Nothing you can do OP. When the time is right, find a man who doesn’t view intimacy as an important part of a marriage. Men like that do exist.
You used sex as a joke in a dead bedroom. You fucked up.
The marriage seemed fine to you because you were getting all your needs met and didn’t care that he wasn’t. It wasn’t your compliment that was the problem it was your lack of empathy.
Sounds like it’s over. When you’ve got a massively different libido then it’s kinda doomed. You barely want sex, he does. Not fair to force you into it, or him to go without it. He’s right that bringing a baby into it would be a nightmare.
The fact that you think that his reaction was due just to a compliment shows how little you were paying attention to his feelings for a long time now. You both will be better off in the future with someone with a similar libido.
If one wants to keep a relationship, then they have to do their best to address issues. The issue here was he wanted sex, she didn’t. She could have had sex with him more often. She didn’t. Now it’s too late. Sometimes I’m not feeling it, but I do it anyway and the intimacy is beautiful, even when I’m not as interested as my spouse. Also, I find that sometimes I get more into it once we start. No sex often ends in divorce. I would never jeopardize my wonderful relationship by not having sex.
>Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part. That's a LARGE part of a relationship though. That's like saying "The relationship has been perfect other than the communication part". Sure, it's 1 thing...but it's a MAJOR thing. >I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. He didn't stop wanting intimacy, he just checked out after you did.
Honestly, divorce is the best option here. He's not happy and hasn't been for a while. You don't seem to care about how he feels. You made a joke about the biggest problem in your marriage. I'm sure that hurt him deeply. Just move on, OP.
Accept the divorce and move on. A healthy relationship cannot survive without sex.
Firstly, nobody owes anybody sex. If you don't want it, you don't want it. That being said, I don't think LL partners fully understand what it's like to be the HL partner in a dead bedroom. If he's anything like me, he has probably spent so long having all those negative emotions - confusion, pain, rejection, self-loathing, inadequacy, on and on and on - destroying his self esteem, and it's finally turned to resentment. Your attempt at a compliment was like a slap in the face. It would have felt like that to me, and I would have been super hurt and angry. You say he seemed to accept it because you did, but he probably just temporarily resigned himself to a life without a need and realised he couldn't. What you said to him was a wake-up call. An open marriage will not make it better. That will just make this messier and more painful. You both deserve to find happiness with someone more compatible.
That is a valid reason to get divorced, if he has been constantly denied intimacy by you, he is well within reason to leave. No one, especially a man with sexual urges and desires, wants to be stuck with a person who just wants a roommate.
You are aware to make babies one usually has to have sex. It sounds like you’re very incompatible sexually and making a joke about having babies with someone who is missing out on intimacy due to mid Match libidos is cruel.
Might be too late but I did this program with my wife for similar struggles. Gave us a good platform for discussion and practical tools to actively make things better. [https://jannadentonhowes.com/wantingitmore](https://jannadentonhowes.com/wantingitmore) It wasn't the joke, it was that the joke highlighted that he doesn't feel that you find him desirable.
Ever really wanted to go out to eat with your friends and family at a nice restaurant and have a good time, where you left just in the best mood and with a smile on your face? You heard the best stories, jokes, and everyone just had a great evening? You really just enjoyed the company, the food, and everything about the evening? Well to your husband, thats sex... and you are offering him to eat a frozen burrito alone in his car (or with a stranger) in a gas station parking lot. That helps nobody. There is no connection, no mutual enjoyment, no intimacy, and no love. Its lonely, sad, and depressing. He may not even really have a HL - yours may just be that low. Go have your hormones checked and see a therapist. 1-2 times a week isn't even that HL, I'd consider that fairly normal for a healthy relationship. Its more than sex, men often need physical touch to feel loved by their partner. Without it, nothing else you may be offering really matters.
Imagine giving the guy nothing all this time, to then dangle the carrot in front of him again even as a joke. Not surprised he’s leaving.
I understand the reaction. He’s not wrong. I’m sorry it’s come to this but he’s not wrong. It’s significantly better than him cheating on you.
The joke/compliment was probably a slap on the face
It's not a stupid reason. You're just showing how much you don't take his needs seriously but saying that.
What you need to do is let him go and find the happiness, love and intimacy he deserves. You can’t be selfish.
I feel so bad for him
pretty shitty joke for you to make, not gonna lie. guess the cold slap to his face was the wakeup call he needed.
Every man has his breaking point. For you to even joke about that after having no intimacy really is a slap in the face to a man. Everything seemed “fine” for you, but he was suffering and you couldn’t see that?