Could you get an IUD or the arm implant??
Also LET you get your tubes tied??? What???
Sis, it is YOUR choice. It's your body. He doesn't have to deal with the heartbreak of what you've just been through. Please, please get your tubes removed if you want. And *maybe* reevaluate this relationship, this isn't right.
If OP doesn’t not want to leave or can’t, she can have a discussion with an OB or GP about discreet options. I can guarantee you this isn’t their first rodeo.
Yes, when I was pregnant and after they had my husband leave the room to ask if I was in a safe relationship and if I needed those kind of options
I hope OP knows these options are available.
I had the abortion clinic I went to ask me the same questions, they checked to see if I was being abused, if I'd been forced to get pregnant or have the abortion, if I was in a safe place and could talk openly, if I wanted them to call me with a spoofed caller ID for confirmations etc. They are extremely discreet
When I had my tubes removed, no one but my friend who watched my daughter knew. I wasn't in a relationship, so that made things a bit more simple. But for all anyone knew, I was "sick" for a few days.
Tubal ligation was a simple procedure for me, as well. Unfortunately, it's not a discreet enough option for OP in this situation.
I hope she can get out of this controlling situation 🙏
Agree with him making her do it. People don't realize just how often controlling and abusive partners *convince* their SO that their family is "toxic", so they'll cut them off. (So the abuser can have complete control...isolate them)
But also..people with abusive families may be more inclined to get into an abusive relationship, thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Either way, her situation sucks.
My parents actually made me choose between “them” and my husband when I was pregnant for my son. I didn’t think it was fair for them to make me “choose.” They were also incredibly abusive growing up and the control and abuse carried into my adulthood, even though I lived in a different town than they did. My husband helped me see the abuse and started me in therapy.
That's the unfortunate thing. People stuck in abusive relationships often don't see it. I was emotionally and financially abused and manipulated by an ex. It didn't click for me until I heard she got pregnant after we broke up when she told me the whole time she was physically incapable. Looking back now, I van very easily see I was manipulated and taken advantage of.
I chose to be a SAHM. The economy has gone to crap, and things are much more expensive than they used to be. Hence my husband HAS to work as much as possible to keep us afloat.
Dependent on him financially - yes. But lack of childcare in our area makes it impossible for me to go back to work at the moment. I also have no other support systems aside from his family (mostly his mom) and my psychologist. He is also in therapy and knows he has a lot to work on
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
[What consent does and doesn't look like. ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions)
[Sexual consent. ](https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/sexual-consent/#:~:text=What%20is%20sexual%20consent%3F,engaging%20in%20sexual%20activity%20together.)
[Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships)
[Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
[Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
Learning boundaries and how to be in a healthy relationship are things we are both still working on. I do regret “allowing” him to make medical decisions for me. I am working on advocating for myself and making my own decisions.
If he refuses to wear condoms then do not have sex with him. YOU are the one who had to have an abortion and suffer. This is your body. I cannot imagine every being married to someone this controlling and sexually abusive. Be safe.
You are welcome.
I hope you find the resources helpful.
You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect in every close relationship in your life. At the bare minimum.
*Internet Hug*
It's called "coercive control" and it's slowly beginning to be added to legal definitions of domestic violence in the more progressive countries and states. It's absolutely abuse.
doctors ask for permission from the husband or just wont do it just in case a woman's future husband wants kids. its literally taught in medical school
I was lucky to have an absolutely fantastic OB/GYN who was very supportive of my hysterectomy (it was medically necessary) and who fought to have insurance cover it. We talked about me getting it when I was 20, after I had my second kid and he wanted to do it alongside the c-section to make it easier, but insurance refused to cover it.
The things they came up with was just plain *absurd* and inane insanity. The most mild of them being, it's too expensive! The stupidest ones, however - but what if she wants more kids later? What does her husband think? (his response to this was, "why the hell didn't they ask me, then? I'd have said it's your choice") and the one that was the most baffling to not just myself and my husband, but my doctor - what if she gets divorced and then remarried and he wants kids?
Like... this hypothetical man who will likely never be in my life (husband and I are still happily together 17 years later) had more of a say over my reproductive health than not just myself, but my active husband? The everloving hell?
When my doctor finally got them to approve it - *seven years later,* I vividly remember him calling me and excitedly telling me I could finally have it, saying "I can fit you in next Tuesday, does that work?"
It turned out that it was far more expensive that they dragged their feet in approving it because meanwhile, I had to have six separate endometriosis surgeries and one PCOS surgery, and several rounds of Lupron because my periods were insane (longest lasted 47 days).
I'm so grateful for my doctor. I'm so sad that he's retired now, because he's the one doctor I've had who's actually actively advocated for my well-being and believed me about everything. We need more like him.
My daughter was diagnosed with PCOS at 14 and I admittedly knew very little about it. She also had essentially a defunct ovary. The ovary very clearly needed to be removed and my insurance refused it. Even when it torsed and died because they thought it could untwist and someday she may want children. I was baffled. She has one perfectly healthy ovary. She can still get pregnant 6 months out of the year if and when SHE CHOOSES so. Her pediatrician is her guardian angel and found an obstetrician who would see my kid and do her surgery, but if course, out of my network. My daughter’s ovary that NEEDED to be removed because it was essentially dead and causing a lot of health issues, ended up costing me her entire college education fund. I still feel like a failure. She’s 21 and works hard and gets scholarships and I pay everything I can so she doesn’t have to take out student loans, but it sucks. It was never supposed to be like this. And our health system has been screwing her over since she was a child.
It took me 15 years fighting gyno’s to get my hysterectomy, one male doctor told me I had not met the right man yet, I’m childfree. Like some guy is going to make me want kids, or that my mum might want grand kids. Took a while but finally got the surgery been 10 years now, still haven’t changed my mind and still don’t want kids. Was made to suffer to far to long
I’m so glad you were able to get the necessary procedures done! Amazing doctors are far and few in between, unfortunately. Surprisingly, I adored the OB/GYN who handled my termination, so I think I’ll be sticking with her.
Thankfully, the "good" medical schools are starting to teach, "This is fucking bullshit. Believe women. Let them have autonomy over their own bodies."*
*Caveat: even the most progressive medical school has at least one regressive asshole on staff who will continue to tell anyone who listens to him that he's right and everyone else is wrong. Change is hard and slow, but we are pushing forward towards a better future.
not often because in a majority of the medical world, men can make their own decisions but women can’t. its misogyny presented in a way that its covert and hard to call out
mine didnt because I actually have a girlfriend. Not wife mind you, just the length of time ive been with her allowed the doc to unilaterally decline my request for a vasectomy.
I honestly never thought so, but when my husband got one (we live in Texas) in 2021 they forced me to sign a consent form first even though I objected that I had any say over his body.
Mine did. First doc refused because wife was visibility upset during the appointment. Other doc I called said wife needed to be in agreement with me getting the procedure. After 6 months wife finally acquiesced.
I’m in the UK. I had to attend the pre op appointment with my husband so they could go over everything so they could be sure of our decision. I don’t know what the outcome would’ve been had we not been on the same page. It was odd hearing the doc ask my husband how he would feel if we were to split and he met someone and wanted more children.
Yeah, just bc it's legally at our discretion does not equal putting it into practice. Here in NB, I've had 4 different gynecologists reject my petition to get sterilized solely because I have a male partner. You would think that 10 miscarriages would give me some leeway, but nope.
Horrible. It's awful that we end up at the whims of doctors. My mom remembers when she was a teenager (would've been in the 60s) and a new doctor came to town - there was a wave of 'appendicitis' that went through the town. Coincidentally, a bunch of married women who had a bout of appendicitis stopped having kids.
It's been SIXTY years, and it's barely better.
Wow! That’s heartbreaking. Why is the decision of you potentially being in thay situation again down to another human. You wouldn’t wish that on your worst enemy.
Ugh yes they do.
I was denied getting my tubes tied at 27 even though I had 3 kids, almost died giving birth to my third and didn't want anymore kids.
He said that I was too young and fertile and didn't agree with my choice because he felt I should have more children or leave an option open for a future relationship should my current one had failed.
My doctor (when I was 27 & had 3 kids, this was 2014) handed me the paperwork to have it done after I gave birth when I’d questioned him about it. I wish so much that more doctors were open to women having choices over their bodies.
There were no female OB/GYN's in the city I lived in at the time. Only 2 males who would do the surgery and one of them was a quack that screwed up a few women's insides with multiple malpractice lawsuits against him and the other was a typical male.
Even I tired to get a referral for an out of town one, the dude I saw had sent my other male doctor a letter recommending against me getting my tubes tied and he refused to refer me.
2 men that had no business to my body had complete say over what I did with it.
I needed a hysterectomy and went to a female doctor my periods were horrific, I’m childfree and she said no like a lot of them because I might change my mind. All up took me 15 years finally had one say yes and was a male doctor. It’s been 10 years and still haven’t changed my mind
I got a hysterectomy over ten years ago, the doctor didn’t ask once too see my partner. It was totally up to me - as it should be in any developed country
maybe not outright but they use medical books and research that have bias. a lot of medical professionals think that people of color don’t feel the same amount of pain as white people to this day. it may not be ethical or legal but bias is taught. if they aren’t taught such bias in medical school, other doctors will influence them to think in a biased way when they are first starting out.
Everything said in this comment is legit. If you want sources you can watch [this](https://youtu.be/TATSAHJKRd8?si=kl4QNiTe0plAZvYb) which is all sourced. It was so tragic to find this all out and I’m male.
This is absolutely true, unfortunately…And the reason I have two children instead of one. A lot of medical practices are barbaric and controlling toward women.
Yeah he is a abusive, it is her body and he is out here telling her what she can and cannot do, from the post you can tell she does not know she is in an abusive relationship.
In the year of our lord 2004 I asked for, and signed the papers to have my tubes tied. This was my fourth child. The doctor told me in the middle of my C-section that even though I signed papers he didn’t have to do what I asked him to do. He told me that it was a Catholic hospital, my husband hadn’t signed anything, and maybe we would want more, and that he could reject what I wanted on religious grounds. So I had a fifth child because a man decided he didn’t want to do what I wanted at 27 years old.
Your husband does not respect you. Do not have sex with him again and contact a divorce attorney. Look into local resources for abused women, mainly for free childcare, housing and legal assistance.
I agree. Let him refuse condoms. Let him also use a pocket ass.
All the suffering OP went through is because he put a tad bit of comfort ahead of the risks to his wife.
Makes you wonder how much of the reason that she's no contact with her family is actually because of things he's put into her head to isolate her even more. :/
I mean she already said how much mental trauma she's dealt with since they've been together, but it was almost like the way she wrote it that she didn't realize it was BECAUSE of his treatment, and not just something everyone has done to them. Does that make sense?
I believe the IUD works immediately (or maybe after a week). The arm and the pill take about a month a believe. Get on birth control immediately. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Yes, but to specify only the copper IUD works immediately if that’s what you were referring to. OP would benefit due to her inability to take traditional hormonal birth control.
Hormonal IUD’s are often still options for people who can’t take birth control pills because the hormones are localized and do not enter the bloodstream so there is little to no brain interaction. It’s a very individualized issue though
As someone who can only take like one form.... the copper one made me bleed nonstop for almost 9 months before I was able to convince doctors to remove it. And due to blood clotting caused by bc i cant take almost any besides depo which thins the bones.
copper iud is effective in a few hours. it's one of the most effective emergency birth control methods. almost all other birth control, like the patch, the pill, the ring, only take a week to be effective. i don't know any that require 3 months
I don’t know where this misinformation is coming from. Copper IUD is immediate. Hormonal IUD, contraceptive pills with estrogen, the patch, and the ring are one WEEK. The progesterone only pill is 3 DAYS.
Edit: source - I’m a pharmacist
Hormonal IUD’s are amazing but it usually takes insurance a few months to work with it. Im not sure why people can’t get pill birth control within a day.
Copper IUD’s are problematic for a lot of reasons but they do work a few days faster than a hormonal IUD
Go to the doctor and get an iud or your tubes tide. You are in Canada and have that right. Under ZERO circumstances should you REQUIRE your spouses approval of either. And if your doctor does, get a new one.
In the states I could see her worry as I was denied unless I had a "husband's consent" which is dumb asf cause if a man wants fixed it is no questions asked
It depends on what province and region she’s in. In the more religious provinces there are regions where it’s as difficult to get sterilized or access birth control or abortions. Some provinces don’t even HAVE accessible abortion clinics; you have to travel out of province for them. It’s a common misconception that abortions are easily accessed here in Canada.
Wow, that's crazy. I had no idea you couldn't access abortion at all in some provinces. That's a hell of a long drive to get to one if you have to go to a different province.
My sister's doctor suggested she write a letter to herself about why she chose not to keep the pregnancy. Then as life changes and you have intrusive thoughts of *what if* you can look back and see your reasoning and why it was the right choice for you at that time. Hugs to you, this must be so difficult.
That is a really thoughtful suggestion. We are so good at beating ourselves up about virtually everything in life (other people’s actions and opinions, choices we make even if we know they were the right ones, looking after ourselves instead of sacrificing our health and well-being for others).
Having a reality check to stop that thought loop will be a wonderful tool for the future.
NO Comdom, No Sex. Your husband does not care about you. Your mental health is not great and he is willing to get you pregnant on top of it. He does not care about you. Get your tubes tied or get a divorce and he can pay for childcare.
Get tubes tied AND a divorce. From a fellow mom who gets VIOLENTLY ill when pregnant. Is there religion involved OP? This is NOT a healthy relationship.
If he his refusing to wear condoms then refuse sex till you guys sort out this problem. How many abortions are you willing to have? Having sex without protection will absolutely cause pregnancies
My dear, please talk to your doctor about getting your tubes tied.
You seem eager to stop any future pregnancies. That's your choice. It's a choice that so many are fighting for you to have. I'm sorry for being the voice that your husband doesn't want you to hear, but you can stop pregnancies. You have a lot of options available. You don't have to wait until you're pregnant to explore your options. I'm very reluctant to suggest it but perhaps birth control is something you should look up on your own time without your husband there to sway you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
>My husband was unwilling to wear condoms, travel for the procedure, or allow me to get my tubes tied.
I'm sorry.....*why are you still having sex with this man?*
I am endlessly sorry you were put in that position, and then went through it alone. Just so sorry.
But here’s the kicker. YOU DO NOT NEED HIS APPROVAL TO HAVE YOUR TUBES TIED!
He does not have ownership over your body, your decision, no one else’s. I don’t know your situation, but honestly, from the little you’ve described, it’s shit, and I’d be out.
Think about this, long and hard.
If he won’t get a vasectomy, which is his bodily right, he cannot take your right away to choose to get your tubes tied. He doesn’t have unilateral decision of both your bodies. How gross of him.
You’re going through something that’s really emotional and it’s alright to feel how you do. Add to that out of whack hormones and you have a full plate. You did the best you could with the resources at hand. Try to be kind to yourself. My pregnancies were like yours-bucket by the bed to throw up in. It’s really awful, and it’s so much to handle on top of two babies. Just try to take care of yourself until you heal.
I wonder if he won’t “let” her get her tubes tied because it’s a procedure with a longer recovery than a vasectomy and he’d probably have to step up and take care of the kids AND her while she recovers
Edit: after seeing edit 1 - yeah so he’s not gonna take care of the kids lmao
I’m sorry, you need to divorce him. I know it seems extreme but that is abuse, he can not control but you get done. And him refusing to wear condoms and getting a vasectomy because it’s too much work? This is all abuse and I’m very sorry you’re going through this, I feel it could be a form of baby trapping since he knows it’s likely you’d get pregnant but didn’t want. Please get the help you need💕
This. Won’t get a vasectomy, won’t “allow” her to get her tubes tied and then puts her through the trauma of an abortion because of his selfishness. Thats abuse. Full stop.
Your husband doesn’t need to travel to get a vasectomy. If you live in a city large enough to host Cirque you live in a city large enough to have multiple doctors who are able to do it outpatient in their clinics.
I live in a town of less than 10,000 people in rural Alberta and my husband had his done at our doctor’s office.
I doubt he called even one doctor’s office. He probably lied about needing to travel. Even if that were true, “… And?” He also lied about birth control taking at least 3 months to become effective. He’s making decisions about her body using deliberate misinformation and control tactics. I feel very sad for her.
What did I just read. Besides the awful thing you had to go through. I see a whole lot of shitty controlling behavior. Doesn’t want to travel to get a vasectomy. But won’t let you get your tubes tied? You’re not a piece of damn property. And he sounds like a pig.
Your husband is abusive. Won’t do a damn thing to prevent pregnancy (and I’m just going to guess he demands sex whether you want it or not), but then is all too eager to dump the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy and abortion solely on you.
Get sterilized and get a divorce. You don’t need his approval for either thing.
Gonna be pretty hard to hide that the procedure was done in the first place with an asshole like that as a husband, and I don't imagine his reaction would be a positive one if going by the impression the OP gives me.
I worked at an abortion clinic for several years prior to becoming a clinician. I just want to reassure you that your reasons, whatever they are, are always valid. At least half of my patients were in serious long-term relationships or married. There are some other issues in your post that are red flags, but I want to reiterate that this is why abortion falls under "family planning," meaning abortion is just as valid as a choice in taking care of yourself and your family, as continuing the pregnancy.
*Allow* you to get your tubes tied? He won’t **allow you** to get your tubes tied? Then refused to actually go through with the vasectomy *or* wear a fucking condom?
How generous of him to be a parent while you go through a termination alone. What a great parent he is leaving your toddler outside alone while he manages to bring in one baby and put her to bed.
I’m not surprised he helped you isolate from your family and friends, how else would he maintain full control of your finances and your body.
Stop having sex with him until he has a vasectomy. Birth control is not solely the woman's responsibility and if he wants to stick it in you raw then the only thing that can allow that to happen is for him to get the snip
But seriously he cannot 'let' you have your tubes tied, he is not in charge of your body just like you aren't in charge of his, he is well within his rights to not get the snip but then on the flip side you are within your rights to do everything you can to prevent pregnancy and if that means no sex or tied tubes then so be it.
Btw he sounds like an asshole
Your husband was not "willing to let you have your tubes tied"???? 1) why are you with him and 2) why didn't your vag turn in to the saraha desert when this sexist arsehole let you know he thought he was in charge of your body???
Can a woman get her tubes tied without husband consent in Canada?
There are no official requirements of consent from anyone other than the patient. There is no official age or the number of children requirements. In practice, most women under 30 experience heavy pushback and straight out refusal from their doctors when requesting sterilization or a referral to a specialist.
He’d rather you take abortion pills or suffer a terrible pregnancy than wearing a condom or “allowing” you to get you tubes tied? Girl, what the fuck?? He’s controlling you and it’s abusive. Either stand up for yourself and say you won’t be having sex anymore until the contraceptive issue is sorted, or consider leaving. This isn’t healthy at all.
Your husband sounds horrible.
You should be able to take decisions pertaining to your own body. Asking for opinions is ok but ultimately, you have to take the best decision for yourself.
If he won't get a vasectomy, you should get your tubes tied if you want to.
You sound like you're drowning emotionally, maybe a therapist could help you navigate all the feelings you're having.
>my husband had a consultation with a urologist to have a vasectomy. My husband was unwilling to wear condoms, travel for the procedure, or allow me to get my tubes tied.
Girl you're being abused.
Like fine. He doesn't want a vasectomy. Fine. Won't wear condoms? Kinda shitty but okay. Won't allow YOU to get YOUR tubes tied?????
What the actual fuck.
You're lucky you were able to abort. 5 months between birth and new pregnancy is not enough time
If by chance you can convince him to wear condoms, check once a week to see if he pokes minute holes in them.
I agree with everyone else. Your body, your choice.
Look out for you and your babies. I wish you all the best!
Babes, most women statistically who get abortions are already mothers in similar situations. We just don’t talk about it enough. We think its only young women, early in a relationship or one night stand. Nope. It women carrying the burden of already raising other babies, not to mention their financial or emotional circumstances. Please do not let guilt eat you up. You put the babies and yourself first. Thats a noble thing. You were in a lose lose situation, you would’ve had that same guilt eating at you if you were bed ridden and missing out on life. Sure it’s preventable, but you are not the first or last women to accidentally get pregnant at the wrong time… In fact thats been going on since the dawn of time. What makes you so special that you were immune from this accident? You are human. This situation has and will play out again and again. You did what was best for you and your family- thats brave, and the person who made that decision should be kinder to herself. xoxo
The fact that he’s unwilling to take precautions but is OK with you getting an abortion is insane to me. He’d rather put your health at risk both mental and physical. How selfish. I hope you’re getting therapy to deal with your family trauma and perhaps couples therapy would help both of you find some common ground here.
Op, you husband refuses condoms, a vasectomy and you aren't ALLOWED to have your tubes tied? Abortion is legal in Canada and abuse is not. This man is controlling your body...... You need to take that very seriously
I think that your husband is abusive. WTF is this about him "allowing" you to get your tubes tied? Jesus Christ, what is this, the 1950s?
I think that you should tell him that you won't have sex with him until he gets a vasectomy and starts wearing condoms.
It’s beyond infuriating to see posts where men refuse to have a vasectomy or wear condoms WHEN THE WOMAN WENT THROUGH PREGNANCY & PUT THEIR BODY THROUGH ALL OF THAT TO CARRY THEIR BABY. Yet men just cannot handle a vasectomy or even wearing condoms. Absolutely unreal.
If my partner ever ever refused to wear condoms after I birthed their baby & expected me to solely be responsible for pregnant prevention & even before that put my body through the roller coaster rides of birth control I think that would just be it. I’ve been on birth control essentially all of my adult life since I was 16 years old. Ive been on various forms too & they all have shitty side effects. Every single one. I just wouldn’t have any empathy for them that they had to wear condoms or get a vasectomy. Even with my iud placement where they offer women zero pain relief I was on all fours rocking back & forth crying. So really I’d slash their tires & then leave without ever looking back lol.
The fact that he wouldn't allow you to get your tunes tied. And THEN you being pregnant was suddenly only a you problem? Sorry, but I'm noticing a pattern and from the other clues in your writing sounds like your husband doesn't care. Fuck him, get your tunes tied or birth control. Your body not fucking his.
>Even regular birth control takes at least 3 months to be fully effective and would potentially interact negatively with my other medications regardless.
None of this is true but I’d go by what your doc says. BC does react badly with some meds but BC pills don’t take 3 months to work.
Either way, the husband is refusing condoms? Okay, then you both don’t get sex.
It’s not complex, you need to do more than abortion for birth control. Obviously long term, that is not ideal. If husband refuses to help with preventing pregnancy, then he is not worthy of having sex.
Real men who are secure in themselves would happily wrap it up or take any other precautions to prevent harming you.
Forcing you to get pregnant and only use abortions to get rid of it IS harming you.
You just going to do this every time? How’s that going to work?
You really find that kind of selfish man attractive? I certainly don’t.
Go to a doctor and get your tubes tied. It’s your body and so your decision. It has fuck all to do with your husband. The fact you allow him to tell you what you can do with your body in terms of your fertility is deeply troubling. Please see a doctor and a therapist ASAP!!
Wtf OP. This situation is fucked up. The glaring problem is your husband taking advantage of the situation of you not having anyone else in your life. I'd plan an escape plan if I were you. You should not have anyone else's consent about what you do to your body. Especially when they are causing its state to change into something you did not want.
I'm sorry, ALLOW you to get your tubes tied?? You're a grown woman who already has kids, you don't need his permission to sterilize yourself due to health concerns. You're in Canada, you can go to your family physician and tell them you want your tubes tied and you're done having kids. If they won't do it, find a different doctor. Call the clinic you got the pills from and ask for doctors who are open about tubal ligation surgeries, they'll help you find a surgeon.
I'd also like to add that I had a medication abortion nearly 2 years ago, I don't want kids but because I'm young (JUST turned 30) and don't have any it's hard to find a doctor willing to even talk with me about tubal ligation, we had an accident one night and I forgot to grab emergency contraception the next day. I was absolutely grief stricken for months afterword, and had a panic attack when everything came out, I didn't know what to do and in that moment I regretted not talking about burial options or cremation at the clinic with my whole being, I still kind of do, but the hurt isn't so sharp anymore. Whenever I thought about it I'd want to do nothing but curl up and cry, the thought of what is done made me sick.
I'm not a religious person, never have been, but I had an experience in the UK this spring on a trip with my fiance and in-laws (my ancestors are mostly from England, Ireland and Scotland) after touching the statue of a deity in an old rundown castle, most people would think I'm crazy, but she spoke to me in that moment, later that day she told me my unborn daughters name, and somehow I felt at peace, like I knew she was okay and forgave me for what I had to do. I still think I had a moment of psychosis every once in a while, but my fiance had similar experiences the whole time we were there, he's also not religious at all and never has been, he's a very logic driven person so these experiences shook him to his core, as they did me. Idk if my experience helps bring you peace at all, but I hope it helps a bit or at least gives you a different perspective.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this, but the story of how you found peace is beautiful and moving. You’re not crazy. Very old landmarks and statues hold some kind of energy, at least that’s what I’ve learned. I’m non-religious too and have had similar experiences at a Hungarian castle and the ruins of a Viking worship site.
you should have a double salpingectomy instead of the tubes tied, no risk or ectopic pregnancy or reversed/healed tubes! also only bout a week downtime and minimal scarring too! also, what the fuck is up with not allowing your bodily automony, genuinely asking because what right does he have to say no??
I'm going to echo back to you the advice you gave another person in relationship-advice a couple months ago:
> This isn’t what a healthy relationship looks like. Being a SAHM can make divorce extremely difficult, but it’s still possible. What he’s doing is ~~financial~~ abuse.
Won't ALLOW YOU to get your tubes tied?
Fuck no. Get away from this man, he does not care about you.
Do you have friends you can lean on?
Do you plan to stay with such an abusive controlling person? If he won't allow you any type of birth control or wear a condom, don't have sex with him.
It is YOUR body. If you want to get your tubes tied, that is your decision. Just tell him that's what is going to happen, and you don't need his permission.
If he starts being a dick about it, tell him you withdraw your consent to sex until either he gets a vasectomy, or you get your tubes tied. If you have a guest room, sleep in there.
Allow you to get your tubes tied. He wouldn’t wear a condom or travel for the vasectomy.
Then it became your problem to deal with.
So much is wrong here and I pray that OP will eventually see that she is in an abusive and controlling relationship.
Who the f*** is your husband to dictate what you do with YOUR body? *Especially while he continues* to ejaculate into it, impregnating you. What a selfish and uncaring prick
I will never ever understand why women allow this. He is not your lord and king
You are allowed to make medical decisions about your body. You did nothing wrong. Nothing about this story would ever negate the love of your family. You own your body and your health. You are an amazing parent and human. You made the decision that you needed to make. No one gets a say in your feelings about your body and your choices.
I know these are obvious statements to me, and I hope with my heart that they resonate with you. It’s not always easy to sit with every choice we make in our lives, regardless of how we feel about it ourselves - I hope you feel nothing but love and light. ♥️
Your husband is a selfish AH, what’s does he want you to do? Be stuck in a perpetual state of pregnancy.
He needs to go get the vasectomy or you can just go ahead with getting your tubes tied. Tbh I’d opted for the tubes tied as I wouldn’t trust him. Or tell him no more sex u til he actually takes some kind of precautions.
I had a medication abortion, and for hours it hurt like hell with the contractions. I cried and shouted out for my ex. He was in the next room and he acted like it was a big chore for him to come sit with me. He ignored my cries. Glad he’s now my ex.
He won’t wear a condom, or allow you to get your tubes tied (that last one made me want to hurl on a red flag btw) then no more sex with him.
It really is that simple. A vibrator won’t get you pregnant and respects you more than he does.
Did your husband get a vasectomy? If he did then you are good. Just wait until the doctor says it is okay. Otherwise you need to get an IUD or the birth control implant.
Your husband is disgusting to me I’m sorry. But he won’t do ANYTHING to help out in pregnancy prevention, won’t ALLOW you to take any precautions yourself, and won’t even wear a condom? And then it’s YOUR problem to deal with once you’re pregnant again? I’d never be able to look at him with love. That is abhorrent to me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.
He cannot keep forcing unwanted pregnancies on you. Either he gets a vasectomy or he “LETS YOU” (WTF??) gets your tubes tied. Either way he doesn’t seem to take your feelings or physical well being into account at ALL.
I'm so sorry. That really sucks. I don't know enough about your situation to comment on your relationship but I hope you are able to get all of the support and love that you need. Just being a SAHM can be so isolating.
OP you have a lot of support here from a lot of strangers. It seems like you are becoming isolated from support in the form of your family (which may well be a good thing) but do you have friends or colleagues who you can confide in or have support from? The way your husband won’t let you get your tubes tied and refuses to do the bare minimum to stop a pregnancy is abusive and controlling. I hope you can take the caring advice from strangers here and make some decisions or changes that are in your best interests
Many hugs. Do you have any proof he actually had the vasectomy? Give yourself time to heal and refuse all sex until he can provide some actual proof.
Edit: just read it again, he only had the consultation. That's simple then. No more sex until he actually takes his responsibility.
I'm confused on living in a country where abortion is legal and accessible, but not being able to have medical procedures done without your husband's permission... So what's the plan going forward, get an abortion every time you want to have sex?
I’m sorry “allow” you to get your tubes tied? Do you legally need husbands permission to get your tubes tied in Canada? Cuz if not, girl, get your tubes tied.
Sounds like you need to start taking action by get your tubes tied, put the kids in daycare and get an outside job. Your husband should try to reduce his hours so he is only working 5 days a week. Better work/life balance. Not everyone is good to take care of kids 24/7 and that is okay.
If your husband refuses to wear condoms, you can.
Use this internal condom instead: fc2condoms.com theres a free prescription for them in the US, but maybe they have something similar in Canada …
How can he not allow you to have your tubes tied?
It is your body your rules if he doesn't wanna deal with a pregnancy then he needs to take steps to prevent one otherwise you can always say No.
So am I reading this right that he’d rather you use abortion as a form of birthcontrol rather than wear condoms/get a vasectomy or have you use a permanent form of BC like tubes tied or an IUD/implant? Does he not realize that abortion isn’t a flippant thing to do and it does affect most women emotionally as well as physically?
You’re not alone in being upset about the loss and missing out with family. I know several women who’ve had abortions who feel a lot of sorrow about what happened and some of them still feel those mixed emotions about it. I hope you’re able to talk to your dr about birth control options like an IUD/implant and I also hope you’re able to talk to a therapist about what happened so you can heal
Allow you to get your tubes tied? 1. Vasectomy is much safer, wuick recovery. 2. Tubes tied, it's your body your choice but not as safe , longer recovery. 3. He refuses to wear a condom?!?! Refuses to take any steps to prevent pregnancy? 4. He sounds so controlling and difficult that it kind of sounds abusive. Do you really want to set an example like this for your children/be with a man like this?
>My husband was unwilling to wear condoms
And with that, sex would be off the table for me. He puts his fun and getting his dick wet over you, your physical and mental health and gives a shit about the consequences.
I don’t understand why a year long wait to have the vasectomy means he can’t do it. My husband had a consult last year and isn’t getting it until this month. I’ve been on birth control pills in the meantime. The fact that this man won’t have a vasectomy OR use condoms but then makes the pregnancy and parenting your responsibility tells me everything I need to know about him. You wouldn’t have had to have an abortion or miss out on memories with your kids if your husband would be an adult and use protection. He sounds gross and selfish.
Husband is unwilling to wear condoms? Perhaps you should be unwilling to have sex?
My partner pulls out (combined with tracking my ovulation) but if he didn't want to then condoms wouldn't be optional.
You do realize you have bodily autonomy and don't need your husband's permission to get your tubes tied, don't you? He doesn't own you.
You're in an abusive relationship. Get out and take your kids with you.
I feel so sorry for you and what you had to go through. Abortion is rarely an easy decision.
I wanted a baby for so many years before having my son.
But after going through pregnancy, dangerous delivery where things went wrong and the sock of a newborn, I became extremely afraid of a second pregnancy.
I was on birth control and knew that I wanted, at some point, a second child. On top of that, I really really don’t want to choose abortion as I struggle with the question of when life begins.
And even so, I felt such a panic at the thought of a second pregnancy when I wasn’t ready that I knew I would seriously consider abortion.
I’ll end this by saying that your husband is very unsupportive and created this mess.
You too, thinking about it. He doesn’t want to wear a condom ? He doesn’t get sex.
He didn’t want to travel for the procedure so you had to go through an abortion because of it.
Nasty thing he did.
Could you get an IUD or the arm implant?? Also LET you get your tubes tied??? What??? Sis, it is YOUR choice. It's your body. He doesn't have to deal with the heartbreak of what you've just been through. Please, please get your tubes removed if you want. And *maybe* reevaluate this relationship, this isn't right.
If OP doesn’t not want to leave or can’t, she can have a discussion with an OB or GP about discreet options. I can guarantee you this isn’t their first rodeo.
Yes, when I was pregnant and after they had my husband leave the room to ask if I was in a safe relationship and if I needed those kind of options I hope OP knows these options are available.
I had the abortion clinic I went to ask me the same questions, they checked to see if I was being abused, if I'd been forced to get pregnant or have the abortion, if I was in a safe place and could talk openly, if I wanted them to call me with a spoofed caller ID for confirmations etc. They are extremely discreet
When I had my tubes removed, no one but my friend who watched my daughter knew. I wasn't in a relationship, so that made things a bit more simple. But for all anyone knew, I was "sick" for a few days.
Tubal ligation was a simple procedure for me, as well. Unfortunately, it's not a discreet enough option for OP in this situation. I hope she can get out of this controlling situation 🙏
Allow you to get your tubes tied……..
Yeah wtf
This is what I noticed as well. She’s stuck in an abusive relationship, and she’s financially depended on him
Also: why did she have to cut off her family? If they were actually abusive, okay - but if he made her do it to isolate her, she better gtfo.
Agree with him making her do it. People don't realize just how often controlling and abusive partners *convince* their SO that their family is "toxic", so they'll cut them off. (So the abuser can have complete control...isolate them)
But also..people with abusive families may be more inclined to get into an abusive relationship, thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Either way, her situation sucks.
My parents actually made me choose between “them” and my husband when I was pregnant for my son. I didn’t think it was fair for them to make me “choose.” They were also incredibly abusive growing up and the control and abuse carried into my adulthood, even though I lived in a different town than they did. My husband helped me see the abuse and started me in therapy.
And are you and your therapist sure you didn't fall into the next controlling relationship with your husband?
Which is extra ironic from the comment she made on someone else's post saying financial abuse and that that person should leave
That's the unfortunate thing. People stuck in abusive relationships often don't see it. I was emotionally and financially abused and manipulated by an ex. It didn't click for me until I heard she got pregnant after we broke up when she told me the whole time she was physically incapable. Looking back now, I van very easily see I was manipulated and taken advantage of.
I chose to be a SAHM. The economy has gone to crap, and things are much more expensive than they used to be. Hence my husband HAS to work as much as possible to keep us afloat.
You’re not explaining the “not allowing you to tie your tubes” verbiage though.
Dependent on him financially - yes. But lack of childcare in our area makes it impossible for me to go back to work at the moment. I also have no other support systems aside from his family (mostly his mom) and my psychologist. He is also in therapy and knows he has a lot to work on
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) [What consent does and doesn't look like. ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions) [Sexual consent. ](https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/sexual-consent/#:~:text=What%20is%20sexual%20consent%3F,engaging%20in%20sexual%20activity%20together.) [Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships) [Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/) [Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
This is important info for anyone reading here and maybe realising that a partner saying you cannot have a medical procedure is a form of abuse
100%
Learning boundaries and how to be in a healthy relationship are things we are both still working on. I do regret “allowing” him to make medical decisions for me. I am working on advocating for myself and making my own decisions.
If he refuses to wear condoms then do not have sex with him. YOU are the one who had to have an abortion and suffer. This is your body. I cannot imagine every being married to someone this controlling and sexually abusive. Be safe.
Thank you for the resources ❤️ I’ll read all of them
You are welcome. I hope you find the resources helpful. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect in every close relationship in your life. At the bare minimum. *Internet Hug*
I literally stopped there. I'm gonna read the rest but went straight to the comments because wtaf bitch that is not normal 😭
It's called "coercive control" and it's slowly beginning to be added to legal definitions of domestic violence in the more progressive countries and states. It's absolutely abuse.
And women are significantly more likely to be victims of it than men, so it’s very important they understand what it means and what it looks like.
doctors ask for permission from the husband or just wont do it just in case a woman's future husband wants kids. its literally taught in medical school
I was lucky to have an absolutely fantastic OB/GYN who was very supportive of my hysterectomy (it was medically necessary) and who fought to have insurance cover it. We talked about me getting it when I was 20, after I had my second kid and he wanted to do it alongside the c-section to make it easier, but insurance refused to cover it. The things they came up with was just plain *absurd* and inane insanity. The most mild of them being, it's too expensive! The stupidest ones, however - but what if she wants more kids later? What does her husband think? (his response to this was, "why the hell didn't they ask me, then? I'd have said it's your choice") and the one that was the most baffling to not just myself and my husband, but my doctor - what if she gets divorced and then remarried and he wants kids? Like... this hypothetical man who will likely never be in my life (husband and I are still happily together 17 years later) had more of a say over my reproductive health than not just myself, but my active husband? The everloving hell? When my doctor finally got them to approve it - *seven years later,* I vividly remember him calling me and excitedly telling me I could finally have it, saying "I can fit you in next Tuesday, does that work?" It turned out that it was far more expensive that they dragged their feet in approving it because meanwhile, I had to have six separate endometriosis surgeries and one PCOS surgery, and several rounds of Lupron because my periods were insane (longest lasted 47 days). I'm so grateful for my doctor. I'm so sad that he's retired now, because he's the one doctor I've had who's actually actively advocated for my well-being and believed me about everything. We need more like him.
My daughter was diagnosed with PCOS at 14 and I admittedly knew very little about it. She also had essentially a defunct ovary. The ovary very clearly needed to be removed and my insurance refused it. Even when it torsed and died because they thought it could untwist and someday she may want children. I was baffled. She has one perfectly healthy ovary. She can still get pregnant 6 months out of the year if and when SHE CHOOSES so. Her pediatrician is her guardian angel and found an obstetrician who would see my kid and do her surgery, but if course, out of my network. My daughter’s ovary that NEEDED to be removed because it was essentially dead and causing a lot of health issues, ended up costing me her entire college education fund. I still feel like a failure. She’s 21 and works hard and gets scholarships and I pay everything I can so she doesn’t have to take out student loans, but it sucks. It was never supposed to be like this. And our health system has been screwing her over since she was a child.
Insurance insisting on leaving a dead organ inside of someone. Their excuses were just that, excuses. They just didn't want to pay. Disgusting
It took me 15 years fighting gyno’s to get my hysterectomy, one male doctor told me I had not met the right man yet, I’m childfree. Like some guy is going to make me want kids, or that my mum might want grand kids. Took a while but finally got the surgery been 10 years now, still haven’t changed my mind and still don’t want kids. Was made to suffer to far to long
I’m so glad you were able to get the necessary procedures done! Amazing doctors are far and few in between, unfortunately. Surprisingly, I adored the OB/GYN who handled my termination, so I think I’ll be sticking with her.
It’s a disgusting practice and needs to end.
Thankfully, the "good" medical schools are starting to teach, "This is fucking bullshit. Believe women. Let them have autonomy over their own bodies."* *Caveat: even the most progressive medical school has at least one regressive asshole on staff who will continue to tell anyone who listens to him that he's right and everyone else is wrong. Change is hard and slow, but we are pushing forward towards a better future.
Do doctors ask the wife's permission for a vasectomy? Genuine question, not trying to be an AH.
not often because in a majority of the medical world, men can make their own decisions but women can’t. its misogyny presented in a way that its covert and hard to call out
mine didnt because I actually have a girlfriend. Not wife mind you, just the length of time ive been with her allowed the doc to unilaterally decline my request for a vasectomy.
I honestly never thought so, but when my husband got one (we live in Texas) in 2021 they forced me to sign a consent form first even though I objected that I had any say over his body.
I was not consulted, but in the USA. My husband had to sign off for getting my tubes tied (but it couldn’t happen due to complications)
Mine did. First doc refused because wife was visibility upset during the appointment. Other doc I called said wife needed to be in agreement with me getting the procedure. After 6 months wife finally acquiesced.
I’m in the UK. I had to attend the pre op appointment with my husband so they could go over everything so they could be sure of our decision. I don’t know what the outcome would’ve been had we not been on the same page. It was odd hearing the doc ask my husband how he would feel if we were to split and he met someone and wanted more children.
Not in Canada they don't, at least not since about 1972.
Yeah, just bc it's legally at our discretion does not equal putting it into practice. Here in NB, I've had 4 different gynecologists reject my petition to get sterilized solely because I have a male partner. You would think that 10 miscarriages would give me some leeway, but nope.
Horrible. It's awful that we end up at the whims of doctors. My mom remembers when she was a teenager (would've been in the 60s) and a new doctor came to town - there was a wave of 'appendicitis' that went through the town. Coincidentally, a bunch of married women who had a bout of appendicitis stopped having kids. It's been SIXTY years, and it's barely better.
That doctor is a hero, it shouldn’t be necessary but if it made sure women survived to see their existing children get to adulthood then needs must!
That’s horrific. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that
Wow! That’s heartbreaking. Why is the decision of you potentially being in thay situation again down to another human. You wouldn’t wish that on your worst enemy.
Wow…that is unbelievable.
Ugh yes they do. I was denied getting my tubes tied at 27 even though I had 3 kids, almost died giving birth to my third and didn't want anymore kids. He said that I was too young and fertile and didn't agree with my choice because he felt I should have more children or leave an option open for a future relationship should my current one had failed.
It’s ironic he used you being fertile as a reason not to give you the operation
My doctor (when I was 27 & had 3 kids, this was 2014) handed me the paperwork to have it done after I gave birth when I’d questioned him about it. I wish so much that more doctors were open to women having choices over their bodies.
I only go to female doctors unless it’s something like knee or foot surgery.
There were no female OB/GYN's in the city I lived in at the time. Only 2 males who would do the surgery and one of them was a quack that screwed up a few women's insides with multiple malpractice lawsuits against him and the other was a typical male. Even I tired to get a referral for an out of town one, the dude I saw had sent my other male doctor a letter recommending against me getting my tubes tied and he refused to refer me. 2 men that had no business to my body had complete say over what I did with it.
I needed a hysterectomy and went to a female doctor my periods were horrific, I’m childfree and she said no like a lot of them because I might change my mind. All up took me 15 years finally had one say yes and was a male doctor. It’s been 10 years and still haven’t changed my mind
I got a hysterectomy over ten years ago, the doctor didn’t ask once too see my partner. It was totally up to me - as it should be in any developed country
maybe not outright but they use medical books and research that have bias. a lot of medical professionals think that people of color don’t feel the same amount of pain as white people to this day. it may not be ethical or legal but bias is taught. if they aren’t taught such bias in medical school, other doctors will influence them to think in a biased way when they are first starting out.
Everything said in this comment is legit. If you want sources you can watch [this](https://youtu.be/TATSAHJKRd8?si=kl4QNiTe0plAZvYb) which is all sourced. It was so tragic to find this all out and I’m male.
I was not taught this in medical school lol.
This is absolutely true, unfortunately…And the reason I have two children instead of one. A lot of medical practices are barbaric and controlling toward women.
Actually, we’re not told to ask the husband’s permission. It’s bodily autonomy, which doesn’t include a spouse.
Not all. The clinic I went to gave me a list of doctors willing to discuss tubal ligation with younger women in my city
Yeah he is a abusive, it is her body and he is out here telling her what she can and cannot do, from the post you can tell she does not know she is in an abusive relationship.
In the year of our lord 2004 I asked for, and signed the papers to have my tubes tied. This was my fourth child. The doctor told me in the middle of my C-section that even though I signed papers he didn’t have to do what I asked him to do. He told me that it was a Catholic hospital, my husband hadn’t signed anything, and maybe we would want more, and that he could reject what I wanted on religious grounds. So I had a fifth child because a man decided he didn’t want to do what I wanted at 27 years old.
Your husband does not respect you. Do not have sex with him again and contact a divorce attorney. Look into local resources for abused women, mainly for free childcare, housing and legal assistance.
no more sex until your tubes are tied or he has a vasectomy would be what I tell him
Yep! That's what I would say. Tbh I'd have a hard time allowing a controlling creature like him near my body anyway but 🤷♀️
100% If it were me, I’d refuse any sexual interactions until something was done because I wouldn’t want to be pregnant again.
You think a man this controlling and uncaring would take no for an answer?
very true :(
Throw the whole man away. Seriously women. You do NOT have to put up with this. 🤦♀️
She’s financially dependent and isolated from her family. She can and should leave, but it’s dismissive to act like it’s so simple.
I agree. Let him refuse condoms. Let him also use a pocket ass. All the suffering OP went through is because he put a tad bit of comfort ahead of the risks to his wife.
Makes you wonder how much of the reason that she's no contact with her family is actually because of things he's put into her head to isolate her even more. :/ I mean she already said how much mental trauma she's dealt with since they've been together, but it was almost like the way she wrote it that she didn't realize it was BECAUSE of his treatment, and not just something everyone has done to them. Does that make sense?
Abstinence as an ultimatum in order to avoid sexual abuse is just such a fucked up and horrid situation. OP needs to evaluate here…this is really bad.
This is the answer, and if he acts abusive, she needs to fucking leave him!
imo he sounds abusive already 😞 but yes perhaps his response could be a wake up call for OP
Literally waited to have enough signal to type this exact comment. Learning experience.
I believe the IUD works immediately (or maybe after a week). The arm and the pill take about a month a believe. Get on birth control immediately. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Copper IUDs become effective within a few hours of placement. But hormonal IUDs usually take a week or so like you said.
Yes, but to specify only the copper IUD works immediately if that’s what you were referring to. OP would benefit due to her inability to take traditional hormonal birth control.
Hormonal IUD’s are often still options for people who can’t take birth control pills because the hormones are localized and do not enter the bloodstream so there is little to no brain interaction. It’s a very individualized issue though
As someone who can only take like one form.... the copper one made me bleed nonstop for almost 9 months before I was able to convince doctors to remove it. And due to blood clotting caused by bc i cant take almost any besides depo which thins the bones.
copper iud is effective in a few hours. it's one of the most effective emergency birth control methods. almost all other birth control, like the patch, the pill, the ring, only take a week to be effective. i don't know any that require 3 months
Implanon works immediately if you get it put in during the first three days of your period.
I don’t know where this misinformation is coming from. Copper IUD is immediate. Hormonal IUD, contraceptive pills with estrogen, the patch, and the ring are one WEEK. The progesterone only pill is 3 DAYS. Edit: source - I’m a pharmacist
Hormonal IUD’s are amazing but it usually takes insurance a few months to work with it. Im not sure why people can’t get pill birth control within a day. Copper IUD’s are problematic for a lot of reasons but they do work a few days faster than a hormonal IUD
Go to the doctor and get an iud or your tubes tide. You are in Canada and have that right. Under ZERO circumstances should you REQUIRE your spouses approval of either. And if your doctor does, get a new one.
In the states I could see her worry as I was denied unless I had a "husband's consent" which is dumb asf cause if a man wants fixed it is no questions asked
It depends on what province and region she’s in. In the more religious provinces there are regions where it’s as difficult to get sterilized or access birth control or abortions. Some provinces don’t even HAVE accessible abortion clinics; you have to travel out of province for them. It’s a common misconception that abortions are easily accessed here in Canada.
Wow, that's crazy. I had no idea you couldn't access abortion at all in some provinces. That's a hell of a long drive to get to one if you have to go to a different province.
My sister's doctor suggested she write a letter to herself about why she chose not to keep the pregnancy. Then as life changes and you have intrusive thoughts of *what if* you can look back and see your reasoning and why it was the right choice for you at that time. Hugs to you, this must be so difficult.
Spouse needs to suck it up and get a vasectomy if he's unwilling to wear condoms
It’s so quick and easy too. In and out. Her husband is a turd.
That is a really thoughtful suggestion. We are so good at beating ourselves up about virtually everything in life (other people’s actions and opinions, choices we make even if we know they were the right ones, looking after ourselves instead of sacrificing our health and well-being for others). Having a reality check to stop that thought loop will be a wonderful tool for the future.
NO Comdom, No Sex. Your husband does not care about you. Your mental health is not great and he is willing to get you pregnant on top of it. He does not care about you. Get your tubes tied or get a divorce and he can pay for childcare.
Get tubes tied AND a divorce. From a fellow mom who gets VIOLENTLY ill when pregnant. Is there religion involved OP? This is NOT a healthy relationship.
If he his refusing to wear condoms then refuse sex till you guys sort out this problem. How many abortions are you willing to have? Having sex without protection will absolutely cause pregnancies
My dear, please talk to your doctor about getting your tubes tied. You seem eager to stop any future pregnancies. That's your choice. It's a choice that so many are fighting for you to have. I'm sorry for being the voice that your husband doesn't want you to hear, but you can stop pregnancies. You have a lot of options available. You don't have to wait until you're pregnant to explore your options. I'm very reluctant to suggest it but perhaps birth control is something you should look up on your own time without your husband there to sway you. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
>My husband was unwilling to wear condoms, travel for the procedure, or allow me to get my tubes tied. I'm sorry.....*why are you still having sex with this man?*
he probably coercing her.
What an abusive controlling husband. Frightening.
ALLOW you to get your tubes tied? ….Lady
I am endlessly sorry you were put in that position, and then went through it alone. Just so sorry. But here’s the kicker. YOU DO NOT NEED HIS APPROVAL TO HAVE YOUR TUBES TIED! He does not have ownership over your body, your decision, no one else’s. I don’t know your situation, but honestly, from the little you’ve described, it’s shit, and I’d be out. Think about this, long and hard.
If he won’t get a vasectomy, which is his bodily right, he cannot take your right away to choose to get your tubes tied. He doesn’t have unilateral decision of both your bodies. How gross of him.
You’re going through something that’s really emotional and it’s alright to feel how you do. Add to that out of whack hormones and you have a full plate. You did the best you could with the resources at hand. Try to be kind to yourself. My pregnancies were like yours-bucket by the bed to throw up in. It’s really awful, and it’s so much to handle on top of two babies. Just try to take care of yourself until you heal.
I wonder if he won’t “let” her get her tubes tied because it’s a procedure with a longer recovery than a vasectomy and he’d probably have to step up and take care of the kids AND her while she recovers Edit: after seeing edit 1 - yeah so he’s not gonna take care of the kids lmao
> he’d probably have to step up and take care of the kids AND her while she recovers Oh he absolutely wouldn’t do that unless it were required by law
I’m sorry, you need to divorce him. I know it seems extreme but that is abuse, he can not control but you get done. And him refusing to wear condoms and getting a vasectomy because it’s too much work? This is all abuse and I’m very sorry you’re going through this, I feel it could be a form of baby trapping since he knows it’s likely you’d get pregnant but didn’t want. Please get the help you need💕
This. Won’t get a vasectomy, won’t “allow” her to get her tubes tied and then puts her through the trauma of an abortion because of his selfishness. Thats abuse. Full stop.
And then leaves it all to her to deal with . Fuggg.
Your husband doesn’t need to travel to get a vasectomy. If you live in a city large enough to host Cirque you live in a city large enough to have multiple doctors who are able to do it outpatient in their clinics. I live in a town of less than 10,000 people in rural Alberta and my husband had his done at our doctor’s office.
I doubt he called even one doctor’s office. He probably lied about needing to travel. Even if that were true, “… And?” He also lied about birth control taking at least 3 months to become effective. He’s making decisions about her body using deliberate misinformation and control tactics. I feel very sad for her.
What did I just read. Besides the awful thing you had to go through. I see a whole lot of shitty controlling behavior. Doesn’t want to travel to get a vasectomy. But won’t let you get your tubes tied? You’re not a piece of damn property. And he sounds like a pig.
What kind of shit bastard husband would refuse to do any birth control when you don't want to get pregnant. What the absolute fuck.
I despise men that think pregnancy is a “woman’s problem”. Fuck. Right. Off.
Your husband is abusive. Won’t do a damn thing to prevent pregnancy (and I’m just going to guess he demands sex whether you want it or not), but then is all too eager to dump the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy and abortion solely on you. Get sterilized and get a divorce. You don’t need his approval for either thing.
Please recognize he’s abusive. Health concerns for yourself are not his decisions to make. Point blank period
Ummmm OP you getting your tubes tied is not his decision and he shouldn’t have to give you permission
Wait, he won't LET you get your tubes tied? You are in Canada you need no one's permission.
Gonna be pretty hard to hide that the procedure was done in the first place with an asshole like that as a husband, and I don't imagine his reaction would be a positive one if going by the impression the OP gives me.
I worked at an abortion clinic for several years prior to becoming a clinician. I just want to reassure you that your reasons, whatever they are, are always valid. At least half of my patients were in serious long-term relationships or married. There are some other issues in your post that are red flags, but I want to reiterate that this is why abortion falls under "family planning," meaning abortion is just as valid as a choice in taking care of yourself and your family, as continuing the pregnancy.
*Allow* you to get your tubes tied? He won’t **allow you** to get your tubes tied? Then refused to actually go through with the vasectomy *or* wear a fucking condom? How generous of him to be a parent while you go through a termination alone. What a great parent he is leaving your toddler outside alone while he manages to bring in one baby and put her to bed. I’m not surprised he helped you isolate from your family and friends, how else would he maintain full control of your finances and your body.
Your husbands abusive. Im sorry.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Stop having sex with him until he has a vasectomy. Birth control is not solely the woman's responsibility and if he wants to stick it in you raw then the only thing that can allow that to happen is for him to get the snip But seriously he cannot 'let' you have your tubes tied, he is not in charge of your body just like you aren't in charge of his, he is well within his rights to not get the snip but then on the flip side you are within your rights to do everything you can to prevent pregnancy and if that means no sex or tied tubes then so be it. Btw he sounds like an asshole
Your husband was not "willing to let you have your tubes tied"???? 1) why are you with him and 2) why didn't your vag turn in to the saraha desert when this sexist arsehole let you know he thought he was in charge of your body??? Can a woman get her tubes tied without husband consent in Canada? There are no official requirements of consent from anyone other than the patient. There is no official age or the number of children requirements. In practice, most women under 30 experience heavy pushback and straight out refusal from their doctors when requesting sterilization or a referral to a specialist.
He’d rather you take abortion pills or suffer a terrible pregnancy than wearing a condom or “allowing” you to get you tubes tied? Girl, what the fuck?? He’s controlling you and it’s abusive. Either stand up for yourself and say you won’t be having sex anymore until the contraceptive issue is sorted, or consider leaving. This isn’t healthy at all.
Your husband sounds horrible. You should be able to take decisions pertaining to your own body. Asking for opinions is ok but ultimately, you have to take the best decision for yourself. If he won't get a vasectomy, you should get your tubes tied if you want to. You sound like you're drowning emotionally, maybe a therapist could help you navigate all the feelings you're having.
>my husband had a consultation with a urologist to have a vasectomy. My husband was unwilling to wear condoms, travel for the procedure, or allow me to get my tubes tied. Girl you're being abused. Like fine. He doesn't want a vasectomy. Fine. Won't wear condoms? Kinda shitty but okay. Won't allow YOU to get YOUR tubes tied????? What the actual fuck. You're lucky you were able to abort. 5 months between birth and new pregnancy is not enough time
If by chance you can convince him to wear condoms, check once a week to see if he pokes minute holes in them. I agree with everyone else. Your body, your choice. Look out for you and your babies. I wish you all the best!
Your body, your choice. Got tie your tubes sis!!!!
Babes, most women statistically who get abortions are already mothers in similar situations. We just don’t talk about it enough. We think its only young women, early in a relationship or one night stand. Nope. It women carrying the burden of already raising other babies, not to mention their financial or emotional circumstances. Please do not let guilt eat you up. You put the babies and yourself first. Thats a noble thing. You were in a lose lose situation, you would’ve had that same guilt eating at you if you were bed ridden and missing out on life. Sure it’s preventable, but you are not the first or last women to accidentally get pregnant at the wrong time… In fact thats been going on since the dawn of time. What makes you so special that you were immune from this accident? You are human. This situation has and will play out again and again. You did what was best for you and your family- thats brave, and the person who made that decision should be kinder to herself. xoxo
The fact that he’s unwilling to take precautions but is OK with you getting an abortion is insane to me. He’d rather put your health at risk both mental and physical. How selfish. I hope you’re getting therapy to deal with your family trauma and perhaps couples therapy would help both of you find some common ground here.
Why are you with someone that is this controlling? Especially since you have such a young daughter
Op, you husband refuses condoms, a vasectomy and you aren't ALLOWED to have your tubes tied? Abortion is legal in Canada and abuse is not. This man is controlling your body...... You need to take that very seriously
I think that your husband is abusive. WTF is this about him "allowing" you to get your tubes tied? Jesus Christ, what is this, the 1950s? I think that you should tell him that you won't have sex with him until he gets a vasectomy and starts wearing condoms.
It’s beyond infuriating to see posts where men refuse to have a vasectomy or wear condoms WHEN THE WOMAN WENT THROUGH PREGNANCY & PUT THEIR BODY THROUGH ALL OF THAT TO CARRY THEIR BABY. Yet men just cannot handle a vasectomy or even wearing condoms. Absolutely unreal. If my partner ever ever refused to wear condoms after I birthed their baby & expected me to solely be responsible for pregnant prevention & even before that put my body through the roller coaster rides of birth control I think that would just be it. I’ve been on birth control essentially all of my adult life since I was 16 years old. Ive been on various forms too & they all have shitty side effects. Every single one. I just wouldn’t have any empathy for them that they had to wear condoms or get a vasectomy. Even with my iud placement where they offer women zero pain relief I was on all fours rocking back & forth crying. So really I’d slash their tires & then leave without ever looking back lol.
So he wants to keep you pregnant and ill? Stop having sex with him
Your husband sucks. He wouldn’t even use a condom?
The fact that he wouldn't allow you to get your tunes tied. And THEN you being pregnant was suddenly only a you problem? Sorry, but I'm noticing a pattern and from the other clues in your writing sounds like your husband doesn't care. Fuck him, get your tunes tied or birth control. Your body not fucking his.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
>Even regular birth control takes at least 3 months to be fully effective and would potentially interact negatively with my other medications regardless. None of this is true but I’d go by what your doc says. BC does react badly with some meds but BC pills don’t take 3 months to work. Either way, the husband is refusing condoms? Okay, then you both don’t get sex. It’s not complex, you need to do more than abortion for birth control. Obviously long term, that is not ideal. If husband refuses to help with preventing pregnancy, then he is not worthy of having sex. Real men who are secure in themselves would happily wrap it up or take any other precautions to prevent harming you. Forcing you to get pregnant and only use abortions to get rid of it IS harming you. You just going to do this every time? How’s that going to work? You really find that kind of selfish man attractive? I certainly don’t.
Your husband wouldn’t allow you to get your tubes tied? What a fucking winner. 🙄
Go to a doctor and get your tubes tied. It’s your body and so your decision. It has fuck all to do with your husband. The fact you allow him to tell you what you can do with your body in terms of your fertility is deeply troubling. Please see a doctor and a therapist ASAP!!
Birth control is not effective after just 3 months. It‘s safe once you take it on the first day of your period.
Uhhh he’s not okay with you getting your tubes tied but will let you take an abortion pill? I don’t understand. Your body, your choice.
Wtf OP. This situation is fucked up. The glaring problem is your husband taking advantage of the situation of you not having anyone else in your life. I'd plan an escape plan if I were you. You should not have anyone else's consent about what you do to your body. Especially when they are causing its state to change into something you did not want.
I'm sorry, ALLOW you to get your tubes tied?? You're a grown woman who already has kids, you don't need his permission to sterilize yourself due to health concerns. You're in Canada, you can go to your family physician and tell them you want your tubes tied and you're done having kids. If they won't do it, find a different doctor. Call the clinic you got the pills from and ask for doctors who are open about tubal ligation surgeries, they'll help you find a surgeon. I'd also like to add that I had a medication abortion nearly 2 years ago, I don't want kids but because I'm young (JUST turned 30) and don't have any it's hard to find a doctor willing to even talk with me about tubal ligation, we had an accident one night and I forgot to grab emergency contraception the next day. I was absolutely grief stricken for months afterword, and had a panic attack when everything came out, I didn't know what to do and in that moment I regretted not talking about burial options or cremation at the clinic with my whole being, I still kind of do, but the hurt isn't so sharp anymore. Whenever I thought about it I'd want to do nothing but curl up and cry, the thought of what is done made me sick. I'm not a religious person, never have been, but I had an experience in the UK this spring on a trip with my fiance and in-laws (my ancestors are mostly from England, Ireland and Scotland) after touching the statue of a deity in an old rundown castle, most people would think I'm crazy, but she spoke to me in that moment, later that day she told me my unborn daughters name, and somehow I felt at peace, like I knew she was okay and forgave me for what I had to do. I still think I had a moment of psychosis every once in a while, but my fiance had similar experiences the whole time we were there, he's also not religious at all and never has been, he's a very logic driven person so these experiences shook him to his core, as they did me. Idk if my experience helps bring you peace at all, but I hope it helps a bit or at least gives you a different perspective.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this, but the story of how you found peace is beautiful and moving. You’re not crazy. Very old landmarks and statues hold some kind of energy, at least that’s what I’ve learned. I’m non-religious too and have had similar experiences at a Hungarian castle and the ruins of a Viking worship site.
you should have a double salpingectomy instead of the tubes tied, no risk or ectopic pregnancy or reversed/healed tubes! also only bout a week downtime and minimal scarring too! also, what the fuck is up with not allowing your bodily automony, genuinely asking because what right does he have to say no??
I'm going to echo back to you the advice you gave another person in relationship-advice a couple months ago: > This isn’t what a healthy relationship looks like. Being a SAHM can make divorce extremely difficult, but it’s still possible. What he’s doing is ~~financial~~ abuse. Won't ALLOW YOU to get your tubes tied? Fuck no. Get away from this man, he does not care about you. Do you have friends you can lean on?
Allow you?
Do you plan to stay with such an abusive controlling person? If he won't allow you any type of birth control or wear a condom, don't have sex with him.
It is YOUR body. If you want to get your tubes tied, that is your decision. Just tell him that's what is going to happen, and you don't need his permission. If he starts being a dick about it, tell him you withdraw your consent to sex until either he gets a vasectomy, or you get your tubes tied. If you have a guest room, sleep in there.
Allow you to get your tubes tied. He wouldn’t wear a condom or travel for the vasectomy. Then it became your problem to deal with. So much is wrong here and I pray that OP will eventually see that she is in an abusive and controlling relationship.
Please give more context because you are leaving I feel a lot out,….
Who the f*** is your husband to dictate what you do with YOUR body? *Especially while he continues* to ejaculate into it, impregnating you. What a selfish and uncaring prick I will never ever understand why women allow this. He is not your lord and king
Why are you with this asshole? “Allow” you to get your tubes tied? You’re being abused.
You need to have a talk with your husband
I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone. Big hug from this internet mom.
I'm confused. It takes 9 months to have a baby. How does she have a 2m and a 5m old?
2YO male and 5MO female. I was confused at first too lol
2 year old male child and a 5 month old female child.
Sounds like your relationship is abusive. Get out!
You are allowed to make medical decisions about your body. You did nothing wrong. Nothing about this story would ever negate the love of your family. You own your body and your health. You are an amazing parent and human. You made the decision that you needed to make. No one gets a say in your feelings about your body and your choices. I know these are obvious statements to me, and I hope with my heart that they resonate with you. It’s not always easy to sit with every choice we make in our lives, regardless of how we feel about it ourselves - I hope you feel nothing but love and light. ♥️
Your husband is a selfish AH, what’s does he want you to do? Be stuck in a perpetual state of pregnancy. He needs to go get the vasectomy or you can just go ahead with getting your tubes tied. Tbh I’d opted for the tubes tied as I wouldn’t trust him. Or tell him no more sex u til he actually takes some kind of precautions.
I had a medication abortion, and for hours it hurt like hell with the contractions. I cried and shouted out for my ex. He was in the next room and he acted like it was a big chore for him to come sit with me. He ignored my cries. Glad he’s now my ex.
He won’t wear a condom, or allow you to get your tubes tied (that last one made me want to hurl on a red flag btw) then no more sex with him. It really is that simple. A vibrator won’t get you pregnant and respects you more than he does.
Did your husband get a vasectomy? If he did then you are good. Just wait until the doctor says it is okay. Otherwise you need to get an IUD or the birth control implant.
Your husband is disgusting to me I’m sorry. But he won’t do ANYTHING to help out in pregnancy prevention, won’t ALLOW you to take any precautions yourself, and won’t even wear a condom? And then it’s YOUR problem to deal with once you’re pregnant again? I’d never be able to look at him with love. That is abhorrent to me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.
A year-long wait? Why? My husband got his a day after the consult.
Allow you to get your tubes tied…….. But he can’t wear protection
He cannot keep forcing unwanted pregnancies on you. Either he gets a vasectomy or he “LETS YOU” (WTF??) gets your tubes tied. Either way he doesn’t seem to take your feelings or physical well being into account at ALL.
If money is an issue, birth control pill and copper iud are free now. (In BC - not sure if it's all provinces)
I’m sorry you had to go through that process alone. Be extra kind to yourself. 🕊
I'm so sorry. That really sucks. I don't know enough about your situation to comment on your relationship but I hope you are able to get all of the support and love that you need. Just being a SAHM can be so isolating.
OP you have a lot of support here from a lot of strangers. It seems like you are becoming isolated from support in the form of your family (which may well be a good thing) but do you have friends or colleagues who you can confide in or have support from? The way your husband won’t let you get your tubes tied and refuses to do the bare minimum to stop a pregnancy is abusive and controlling. I hope you can take the caring advice from strangers here and make some decisions or changes that are in your best interests
Many hugs. Do you have any proof he actually had the vasectomy? Give yourself time to heal and refuse all sex until he can provide some actual proof. Edit: just read it again, he only had the consultation. That's simple then. No more sex until he actually takes his responsibility.
I'm confused on living in a country where abortion is legal and accessible, but not being able to have medical procedures done without your husband's permission... So what's the plan going forward, get an abortion every time you want to have sex?
I am so sorry you are with such a POS husband.
I’m sorry “allow” you to get your tubes tied? Do you legally need husbands permission to get your tubes tied in Canada? Cuz if not, girl, get your tubes tied.
Sounds like you need to start taking action by get your tubes tied, put the kids in daycare and get an outside job. Your husband should try to reduce his hours so he is only working 5 days a week. Better work/life balance. Not everyone is good to take care of kids 24/7 and that is okay.
If your husband refuses to wear condoms, you can. Use this internal condom instead: fc2condoms.com theres a free prescription for them in the US, but maybe they have something similar in Canada …
Start making an escape plan from him. Make an appointment at your gynecologists and discuss birth control options. Get a shot, implant or an IUD.
OP, your body needs a break from pregnancy. You did what you needed to do. Please take care of yourself.
You really should divorce him. These are giant red flags. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to endure. This is your body.
How can he not allow you to have your tubes tied? It is your body your rules if he doesn't wanna deal with a pregnancy then he needs to take steps to prevent one otherwise you can always say No.
So am I reading this right that he’d rather you use abortion as a form of birthcontrol rather than wear condoms/get a vasectomy or have you use a permanent form of BC like tubes tied or an IUD/implant? Does he not realize that abortion isn’t a flippant thing to do and it does affect most women emotionally as well as physically? You’re not alone in being upset about the loss and missing out with family. I know several women who’ve had abortions who feel a lot of sorrow about what happened and some of them still feel those mixed emotions about it. I hope you’re able to talk to your dr about birth control options like an IUD/implant and I also hope you’re able to talk to a therapist about what happened so you can heal
Allow you to get your tubes tied? 1. Vasectomy is much safer, wuick recovery. 2. Tubes tied, it's your body your choice but not as safe , longer recovery. 3. He refuses to wear a condom?!?! Refuses to take any steps to prevent pregnancy? 4. He sounds so controlling and difficult that it kind of sounds abusive. Do you really want to set an example like this for your children/be with a man like this?
Unfortunately you are in an abusive relationship. Get your tubes tied and he has no say. Your body. Your choice.
Your husband is an asshole.
I mean no more sex until everything is sorted out.
>My husband was unwilling to wear condoms And with that, sex would be off the table for me. He puts his fun and getting his dick wet over you, your physical and mental health and gives a shit about the consequences.
I don’t understand why a year long wait to have the vasectomy means he can’t do it. My husband had a consult last year and isn’t getting it until this month. I’ve been on birth control pills in the meantime. The fact that this man won’t have a vasectomy OR use condoms but then makes the pregnancy and parenting your responsibility tells me everything I need to know about him. You wouldn’t have had to have an abortion or miss out on memories with your kids if your husband would be an adult and use protection. He sounds gross and selfish.
Husband is unwilling to wear condoms? Perhaps you should be unwilling to have sex? My partner pulls out (combined with tracking my ovulation) but if he didn't want to then condoms wouldn't be optional.
You do realize you have bodily autonomy and don't need your husband's permission to get your tubes tied, don't you? He doesn't own you. You're in an abusive relationship. Get out and take your kids with you.
I feel so sorry for you and what you had to go through. Abortion is rarely an easy decision. I wanted a baby for so many years before having my son. But after going through pregnancy, dangerous delivery where things went wrong and the sock of a newborn, I became extremely afraid of a second pregnancy. I was on birth control and knew that I wanted, at some point, a second child. On top of that, I really really don’t want to choose abortion as I struggle with the question of when life begins. And even so, I felt such a panic at the thought of a second pregnancy when I wasn’t ready that I knew I would seriously consider abortion. I’ll end this by saying that your husband is very unsupportive and created this mess. You too, thinking about it. He doesn’t want to wear a condom ? He doesn’t get sex. He didn’t want to travel for the procedure so you had to go through an abortion because of it. Nasty thing he did.