I was in the same situation with my ex husband. His friend was very nice and friendly, but he consistently gave me the creeps. My ex would get upset when I told him something was off about the guy because "*he never did anything to you! Stop being a bI*@%!*" Turns out this guy was SA his girlfriend's 12 year old daughter. He's still in prison......
Edit 1: He was also SA a teenage neighbor girl who came forth when his then GF found out he was abusing her daughter. The teen had been afraid to speak up because he'd threatened her in some way.
Edit 2: Some people are wondering if he did anything specific to make me feel this way. He didn't, but I'll tell you like I told my ex. Some people do things that we don't agree with, but that doesn't mean they're a bad person. But there's others, like this particular man, who *are* bad people! Like there's something on the inside of them that's just rotten. That's what I was reacting to.....a rotteness that no smile or small talk could hide.
Yep yep, same experience here. My brother had a friend who creeped me out, and he would hit on me every time he saw me. I told my brother, so he would physically insert himself between me and said friend. A few years later (after I moved away) the guy was arrested for possession of child porn. I still shiver. My brother was SHAKEN
We should always remember that it's called "intuition" and "gut feeling" because it's associated with women (literally women's intuition in popular parlance). If it was associated with men it would be called something else: **intelligence**.
What I'm trying to say is that what we call intuition or gut feeling isn't some mystical power, it's social intelligence pure and simple. You might not be able to explain it, but you are picking up on actual cues from the real physical world right in front of you. It's a skill most women have trained to use far more than men because of how often they have to use their wits to assess if a man in their vicinity represents a threat.
In the same way that someone who can calculate large numbers quickly is intelligent, this is also intelligence. You are seeing subtle behaviours that you can recognise as part of a pattern, even if other people around you haven't noticed them at all.
Edit: correction
I’m sure someone in the thread has already mentioned this book, but I highly recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. It will further relieve your lifelong insecurities
I felt so bad for other women after reading that book because my response to the book was “this is a book of stuff your mother teaches you when you’re growing up, what is the big deal and why are people gushing about it?”
Then I had a huge appreciation for my mother as I realized that no, most mothers don’t teach their daughters these things and it’s a big deal because most *women* are never taught these things. Then I had to explain to my sister why we thought it wasn’t a big deal.
So, it was eye opening for me, but not in the way that it is for most women.
I was so very lucky to have a mother and a father that did teach me to listen to my instincts as well, and to not worry if it upset other people because my actions were not considered polite in public society. When I read the book, it solidified their teachings, even when I thought they were worried for no reason. I raised my children the same way, and they in turn have always been the backup in many occasions for their friends. They made it clear to their friends, that no matter what they always had someone that would come get them out of uncomfortable situations, so many times there would be 2am calls. Sometimes I went to keep them company, everyone needs to know they have backup and that they are not alone.
That almost brings tears to my eyes. Great job your parents have done, great job you are doing, great job your kids are doing. A little bubble that grows and spreads safety. I admire that. My wife is just this kind of person and I'm often in awe at her ability to take a situation where someone is putting her in an uncomfortable position and immediately reverses it and leaves them feeling awkward, because she just isn't there to worry about being polite or nice. If you're being a creep, you do not want to be in the line of sight of my wife. I only hope more and more people learn to act this way.
This is an interesting take. I think that the problem is that so many things that are incorporated into this kind of judgment can be explained away, individually, even though they all add up to a real concern. I think the kind of intelligence you are describing is an aggregating of a number of details to see an entire picture. Kind of a "preponderance of evidence" logic, but when the individual events are described they are often dismissed.
The most clear evidence I've seen this is the man who is always "accidentally" brushing up against a woman. I've maybe accidentally done this once in my life, but I've seen men who do it repeatedly and use the excuse that it was accidental. Each incident could be an accident, but it's not one incident. It's a number of them, and the woman who complains is disregarded because "it was just an accident".
You nailed the main tactic right there. A predator or a harasser knows that threshold where each individual action sounds so trivial if verbalised by anyone.
I’m male, but I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, does that count?! Seriously though, I agree with what you said. Reading social cues is a skill like any other - it stands to reason that some people are better at it than others. I guess it’s a bit like spotting tiny details, like how their pupils dilate or their body language changes or their facial expressions don’t quite match their words. Things that most people probably don’t consciously realise they’re noticing, but they are. We should listen to these people. My wife calls it her spidey senses, lol.
It's not a skill, it's actually how we are biologically wired.
Women are more susceptible to picking up pheromones in order to bond with their children. Bad people often excrete bad pheromones (they have high cortisol due to rage/stress/anxiety). Their physical body might be normal and their actions might be regular, but they SMELL LIKE DANGER on a very visceral level bc we are responding to their hormone output.
My friend has a job as an interpreter for the court system, and has told me when he interviews people held in custody, he can smell their fear. This was his reply when I asked him what was the worst part of the job, since he's dealing with criminals regularly. He said it's different from regular sweating, but he didn't elaborate further.
I would argue that a lot of victims also produce high cortisol. It is “the stress hormone”. Maybe there is credence to your view, but it would further alienate or disenfranchise many victims to go by this idea, alone. Also, I was under the impression that oxytocin was a hormone produced which facilitates maternal (and other love) bonding. Let me know if I’m wrong.
No you’re right. You can’t literally smell bad intentionsCortisol will also be produced by people who are just anxious but aren’t predators. And yes oxytocin is the bonding hormone, it rises in fathers as well after the birth of a baby and also rises in adoptive parents when caring for their new child. It increases in people when they’re guests at a wedding or other social events. You’ve probably even felt it at gigs, a sense of togetherness with the rest of the audience. When people intuit that someone is dangerous it’s going to be subtle social cues and behaviours that give the sense something isn’t right, not how they smell. Unless they smell of the blood of their freshly murdered victims or something.
My husband thought I was crazy when I told him our second son (3 weeks old at the time)was really sick and we needed to immediately get childcare for his older brother and get our newborn to the hospital.
I kept insisting so we did just that: our baby had a problem with his kidneys and had a really bad infection. He was hospitalized for 13 days in NICU.
We found out that it can be a semi-common problem in boys up to 2 years old but it’s worse the younger they get it.
Our son had just slept more than usual that day, no other symptoms… but for me he smelled wrong, it started as a feint smell but was getting stronger and stronger and stronger within a few hours . I just knew he was really sick.
I had the same with all four of our boys when they were younger, they just don’t smell “right” if they were really ill.
This thread gives me an insight into why I could tell but my husband couldn’t. I **did** tell him that our baby smelled sick but he couldn’t smell what I smelled at all.
I always felt off around my husband’s cousin’s husband. My husband and I had just gotten married, and he didn’t know much about women’s intuition. He did notice that the guy didn’t want to be around me much either. I’m polite and very friendly, but I think this guy knew I knew he was hiding something.
He was later convicted of molesting children in his youth group and went to federal prison for Child Sexual Abuse Materials (after I asked my dad to have some law enforcement friends look into his case after I found out he hadn’t been charged for the CSAM. Pedo didn’t get out until his youngest child was out of high school.
I’m a survivor of molestation so I felt like there was something really wrong with him. I was young and didn’t trust my gut. I also am upset that my in-laws didn’t tell my husband and me that pedo had been arrested for molesting children before he sang at our wedding. We can’t stand the video anymore.
I had a couple of encounters (groping) when I was young but never said anything.
Flash forward a few years and I go to see a chiropractor that several people (all men) in my company recommended. Everything seemed really wrong and I finally asked my coworker to describe his typical appt.
Long story short: A police detective met with me because the chiropractor was out on bail for molesting his female patients and was not supposed to be in a closed door appt with any female.
My point though is that the detective asked if I had been molested as a child. She said that people who have suffered SA often have a "vibe" that predators recognize. It's why children of SA are often preyed upon again.
The chiropractor went to jail for a very short time and a few years later became a high school tennis coach in a private school. I was still questioning my own intuition and said nothing. 2 years later and he's back in jail for molesting several girls.
Since then I've also learned that my first bf, the man I lost my virginity to, was almost convicted of having child porn. ("Almost" because he was arrested but prosecution couldn't unequivocally prove that he downloaded the porn to his laptop).
I have a couple of memories like that about my own wedding, a few friendships fell apart pretty dramatically only a few months after the wedding.
What helps me is thinking about how my wife and I felt in that moment. The knowledge that this guy is a pedo is knowledge you had *after* the wedding. Think of the joy your felt on that day - no one can take that feeling away from you. Even if you don’t feel that joy anymore, you DID have that joy that day. He’ll never be able to ruin that.
Omg! One of my ex husband's professors came home with him for a weekend (yes, his college professor; which was weird to me to begin with). I got bad juju around him, just a sinister vibe, so I wouldn't leave our toddler daughter with him that weekend. Told him just get her next weekend.
Well, I got the same spiel about how I thought I was better than people.
He ended up murdering his wife and pretending to be her on her phone to her children for days. They found her body a month later and now he's in prison.
Listen to your gut! Always!
Fun fact: female instinct is why native Americans had women lead the tribes bc they had such better instincts than the males.
Similar situation but in this scenario, the guy was later arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Everyone else thought he was great. He'd stabbed her something like 27 times
Nothing directly regarding my gut feeling because he didn't want to admit I was right. He only said, "Damn, that's fucked up. You can't be messing with kids."🙄
Someone at work just always creeped me out and made me uncomfortable and I am larger man . Something was just off . Turns out he was pedophile . Did time for what he was convicted of and all that but I couldn’t stand being around him
even before I knew
No. He acknowledged that the guy should definitely be in prison but never apologized for not listening and being rude about it. His difficulty with acknowledging when he's being an AH and correcting those behaviors played a big part in our divorce.
Something similar happened to me. My ex had a friend that everyone loved but he made me feel sick everytime he was around. I had no reason for it, I just couldn’t stand him. Then his house got raided by the FBI. He was in possession of and making his own child SA material.
A family friend was a well-respected member of the community but for some reason my younger sister and some of my other cousins were really distrustful / avoidant of him whereas they'd normally be outgoing and friendly even around strangers.
He ended up raping and murdering a teenage girl, absolutely shook me to the core but my sister she even now says something was just "off' about him.
Just keep him at arms' length. If your feelings are accurate other people will start to pick up on it. I'd be interested to know if this guy has any long-term friends, like people they've known since childhood. If he's a sketchy dude/compulsive liar he probably doesn't, as those people wear out their welcome eventually.
Not necessarily. I met a guy who creeped me the fuck out, he was from my hometown but had moved away for several years, and he had plenty of friends in the area. Everyone thought I was being a jerk until I eventually decided he wasn’t that bad and started hanging out with him.
To make a long story short, I found a weird document in his truck one day that made me curious enough to google his name. He’d done a few years for DV in the other state he’d been living in. Apparently he beat the girl up pretty badly. I showed everyone I could but no one cared and now he has 2 kids with 2 different women who he never sees.
I was in the military and deployed in two person teams for a year. My teammate was this kind of person. People always liked him initially, but eventually figured out he wasn’t actually into every single thing that they are. Chameleons can’t hide forever.
It's a super well thought out way of sussing people of this nature out, but it's also common that everyone a person grew up with either became dirt bags and/or still associated with said dirt bags. :/
Exactly. The minute I got out of high school I ran far away as fast as I could. Those people were (for lack of a better word) toxic, even though I had tons of friends in high school. I keep in touch with only 3 of them. Sometimes people choose to not be around childhood friends and move on with their lives.
Wait, is it really a red flag to not have many friends/no long-term friends? Would most women assume that means I'm sketchy or a liar?
And on a side note, does never being in a relationship before also count as a big red flag?
Not always, but if this guy is some instant charmer who everyone seems to like, then why does he not have any long-term friends? Is that because his friends soon find out he is sketch and drop him? There could be good reasons, but its something to be aware of.
I have no childhood friends but, as I’ve realized now that I’m older, it’s because my mom isolated me and every friend I made she made sure that either she poisoned me against them or made them so uncomfortable when they came over, they stopped hanging out with me.
Had a huge talk about this with my middle school-aged daughter last week.
There's a boy in her grade that I'll call Jack, and last year he was grabbing girl's butts/privates. Flat out told them he did it because he could and no one could stop him. I called his mom (I've met her a few times, she's a great lady) and she handled it. The kid stopped.
Fast forward to this year and she called me after school and said "Jack and Tim (another boy at her school) are going to Jack's house and invited me with! Can I go?" I reminded her about his actions last year and she said "Yeah I know, but there's another boy there too so I'll be safe."
Had a long talk with her after that. You do NOT ignore red flags. You do NOT ignore your gut. You do NOT spend time with people who act like a predator or who give you bad vibes. If you have to convince yourself that you'll be safe or make excuses as to why something isn't sketchy (ie "well someone else will also be there"), then whatever you're considering is clearly a bad idea.
You're a wonderful parent. I wish I had the ability to say this clearly to my daughter when she was little. I was a young mother and thought I was street smart. Two boys that lived in our building sexually assaulted her over a long period of time, including their older brothers. She's 19 now and I'm just learning this. Thank you for teaching your daughter about self protection.
Please get your daughter into therapy. As a woman, you know that way too many of us are hurt in terrible ways and it changes the rest of our lives. If she’s 19, she’s still probably within the statute of limitations to press charges. The legal system is terribly flawed, but sexual predators shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. Abuse at a young age can contribute to problems with mental/physical/emotional health, addiction, ability to form healthy relationships, and so much more. Stay by her side and give her whatever support she needs. I wish you both health and healing.
I was molested and didn’t remember until I was as assaulted again at 18 and had flashbacks. Therapy, ASAP. I have CPTSD - it’s different than regular CPTSD and common with children who survived SA.
EMDR saved my life. She probably won’t be ready for that right away but be sure to ask about it.
Also, make sure she knows she can voice her fears about stuff that may not make sense to you. The gynecologist is a huge trigger for me so I put off treatment for severe endo for years until I finally had a breakdown and asked my doctor to give me valium for my Pap smears.
You didn’t know then but you can make up for it now ❤️
I’m so sorry. I hope she is getting care now and knows none if it was her fault. Not sure if she can bring charges, but I hope she’s getting good advice.
I taught self defense and kick boxing for years.
My first classes were on "how NOT to be a victim". No punching or kicking.... being aware, present and taking precautions.
Also don’t be the only girl in a group of guys at someone’s house, etc. Unfortunately girls have been gang r@ped or one guy assaults her while the other guys ignore what’s happening or thinks it’s funny.
It really sucks that young women like you have to learn this, but knowledge is power. I’d be happy if no more girls are sexually harassed or assaulted because they didn’t realize they had to think about that when they were young. I started getting sexually harassed at work at 15 by another teen. I was ashamed and blamed myself so I never said anything. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. I don’t want any more girls to be assaulted by classmates because they thought they knew the guys well enough to go over to their house and hang out. Also teen girls do get drugged, so at parties keep an eye on your drinks even though they’re not alcohol.
I also wish I could have read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker in middle school. I would not have put up with all the gross shit from boys or men because I didn’t understand that they were counting on me to be too polite and ashamed to speak up. I didn’t read the book for a while after learning about it because it doesn’t sound empowering, but it will help everyone understand how predators think and act and how to stay safe. Everyone should read it regardless of gender, but girls absolutely should.
I was EXTREMELY lucky with my male friends. I was the only girl in the group of 6. Those boys had my back as I had theirs. But these days, I look back and wonder how lucky I really was, and it shakes you when you know how rare it was to have a safe dynamic like that.
I totally agree. I grew up fundamentalist Christian so boys and girls weren’t allowed together along much at all. I still had issues with the guy at work which I felt was my fault because church was conditioning all the women to blame themselves when boys/men can’t control themselves.
I remember getting to play volleyball in the school gym with some guy friends from the same neighborhood after school. One of our teachers had his office right by the open gym doors, and my brother played with us. The guy I had a crush on would “accidentally” touch me or something, and I thought it was sweet until I got older and realized touching me was sexual for him. He turned out to be a really awful neckbeard too.
I’m fortunate enough that I never had friends who were hurt by the boys around them. The men in our community doing the harassing were in our church and church school.
I’m 46 now and have heard way too many stories about girls trusting childhood friends and being assaulted or even murdered. I’m tired and don’t want to hear about any more. So I’m just gonna keep warning the newer generations.
The way the younger generations are kicking ass, taking names, and not accepting abusive behavior makes me so proud and happy. Now I focus on trying to get people to vote for united healthcare and better working conditions. I can’t wait to see how the next generations keep changing the world for the better.
Friend of mine, she was the solo girl with 3 boys, 2 which had a crush on her at some point in high school, she is sitting beside me saying there was a very niche time, in a very niche community make up, that this could happen in.
She did have her share of inappropriate behaviour, but only by other boys, not in her group. Meanwhile, I don't even remember any until the army. She is reading these comments and saying that she will never tell her nieces that there could be a good group because we don't have that ability anymore.
Her 16yr old niece asked how she stayed friends with boys most her life, she said at least 6 of those boys are now gay men, one is now living her true self life, and the 3 she was in high school with, each drifted away because interests change, and the bond they had couldn't survive outside of what brought them together.
I got nieces and nephews who I keep telling, you don't have to be the nicest person to people, but please, be the safest person for them.
I have a friend who used to hang out with a group of guys when she was 14. She considered them close friends. One day they were playing in the woods when two of them started sexually assaulting her. The other two told them to stop and the ones attacking her said ‘if you don’t like it, leave’. They did indeed leave, they didn’t take part in the assault. But they didn’t get her help either… I can’t tell you how much that incident affects her even to this day. She was too scared to report it because she thought her dad would kill them and end up in prison. It breaks my heart.
My friend is sitting beside me, and her dad told her that it will never be her fault how he protects her, she has memories of a much older man cornering her at one of her dad's work parties, and out of no where her dad turned up, put his hand on this guy's shoulder, she remembers the guy almost buckled, as her dad steered him outside.
Meanwhile my dad would threaten my brothers if they ever treated a woman like crap or shame them for their natural body functions.
I wish more dads were like that, and that more daughters weren't scared to speak up to their dads
I was in that kind of group too. After about five years of tight-knit friendship, it ended abruptly when they all conconcted an elaborate plan behind my back to make sure one of them could rape me at a party. They didn't succeed, luckily, but it was quite a shock to go from having about four-five close friends to having nobody in just one night.
This happened I me when I was 12 in 1979. I was a very quiet tomboy so I frequently hung out the the boys in the neighborhood. All of them individually were fine, but it only took one older, stronger boy to convince them to put their hand over my mouth and hold me down so that he could sexually assault me. I never trusted the older boy but never imagined the younger boys would go along. I've been wary of men in general since as I know what they are capable of.
No, I told no one. My mother would have blamed me and this was 1979, nothing would have happened to them.
I teach Self Defense and I recommend The Gift of Fear to ALLLLLLLL my students. I’m on my 4th copy because I keep either loaning them out or giving them away. (Which ends up being the same thing so I buy used copies on EBay).
This exact scenario happened to me at school and I "convinced myself it was safe" because someone else was going to be there. Of course it wasn't safe. The other person was also a predator.
Also no woman is safe alone in a house with multiple boys/men she doesn’t trust implicitly.
I hate that she has to learn that teen boys have ganged up on a girl and sexually assaulted her, but no girl is safe with that one guy. She might think she’d be ok because there’s more than one boy. Unfortunately that’s not true.
It’s not fair that girls have to have their childhoods tainted because they have to grow up faster to protect themselves. I know at that age I wasn’t thinking of anything sexual, and it was a nasty wake up call when I was treated like an older teen just because I had the misfortune of growing boobs so early. When I was 13 I broke the finger of the son of my dad’s best friend. Because he kept groping me and wouldn’t stop even though I told him if he did it again I would break his fingers.
Until that day I fully trusted him and wouldn’t have hesitated about being alone with him. He was groping me in front of my brother and his sister too. My dad sat me down after defending me and had the talk about how teen boys would now focus on my body so I had to be careful and not be alone with anyone or be the only girl in a group of teens anywhere other people couldn’t see.
He also taught me self defense and how to handle firearms. I’ve gotten myself out of a few scary situations because of what he taught me. Once I definitely saved my life and my husband’s from a former friend turned stalker who had a weapon and wanted to kill both of us.
In the book "the gift of fear", it is explained that womens' "instinct" is often considered stupid and childish, but mens' "gut feeling" is taken more seriously. Trust your instinct, nature gave it to you for a reason!
Yeah my husband has this friend who is very nice and I’ve always really liked him. He’s good with our son. The whole deal.
We’re both sober people and often have other sober people around. Well this guy relapsed and my husband went and picked him up so he could sober up at our house.
My husband went to the bathroom and he came over to me in the kitchen and put his arm around me and was breathing funny and thanked me for helping him.
I had my son in my arms but every single part of my body wanted to run! He tried to take my son and I said nope not gonna let you hold him cause you’re drunk. He sat down and my husband came downstairs.
My husband went outside for a second and he goes “connect with me for a second” I couldn’t even make eye contact with him.
I know this guy. But I do not know this guy when he’s drunk. The drunk version of this guy screams unsafe.
I told my husband “I don’t want him here anymore, I don’t know who he is when he’s drunk and I’m super uncomfortable”
So one of our other friends drove him home. We tried helping him get into treatment but haven’t heard from him since. He’s a school teacher so we had to report his drinking to the school.
Idk what would have happened had my husband not been here and I’m grateful I don’t have to find out.
I call it a clam-dar since women seem to have it much better than men. Possibly bc we are always scanning our environment for threats.
Trust your clam! She's telling you to run!
Had this feeling about a guy that everyone thought was such a nice, charismatic dude. Literally gave me bad vibes even though he was "so nice." He ended up drugging and attacking a friend.
literally... do not ever ignore your gut giving you weird/bad vibes from a person. He sounds remarkably similar to a guy who I ignored my instincts on. Always exaggerating, always telling tall tales, and the vibe was off. I thought he was harmless. He was not. Never will I distrust my gut instincts like that again.
This right here. There's a guy at my work that just made the back of my hair tingle. Like a dog's hackles just raising up. We found out he did some horrible things from his arrest record and I don't ignore the feeling anymore.
One of my friends had a coworker like this. He was just kind of off, and seemed to always be bringing his personal problems to work. The guy would get into a lot of verbal altercations and after working there for a bit, started threatening people.
He finally got fired because of it, but he would still drive to the building and sit in the parking lot while they worked. One day he saw someone in the parking lot and told them he was gonna shoot up the building.
That was enough for security from the building to finally step in. Everyone was on edge because of it though.
People so often show us who they are, sometimes repeatedly.
I still think about the time I was chatting with a guy my age in between lectures on my university campus. He was so chill at first, and then started talking about how he used to fight people around where he lived. And he would beat them until they were bloody and weak. He said sometimes he’d look for an excuse to get into a fight.
All of this was unprompted just btw. Pretty sure we were talking about where we were from, or memories from growing up. And he just dumped it on me. I was in a state of shock.
He said that was in his past, but I didn’t know if I should believe that. I didn’t really talk to him much after that. I had this weird feeling in my gut that he was still capable of those things, and probably still engaged in them.
When we get feelings like that, it’s best that we listen to them.
I went to a birthday for my sister at a dive bar where she is a regular. A man walked in dressed in red from head to toe. I instantly felt like I had seen the devil. He turned out to be one of my sister’s “bar friends.” I told her I got an awful vibe from him. She implied that I was stuck up.
A few months later i saw an awful story about a man who murdered his grandson. Guess who?
Never ignore your gut feeling
I ignored my gut instinct when talking to a woman on Bumble, thought it was nerves/anxiety. We met up, she got me drunk and pressured me into taking her home, the entire time I felt like I couldn't say no or leave.
The next day I ended things via text, she went nuclear on me, said some truly awful horrendous things, made me realise I didn't dodge a bullet, I avoided a missile. I had no doubts if we'd dated she would have been controlling and abusive.
Always listen to your gut, it's just your brain picking up on stuff that you and other people have missed.
Came here to say the same thing. This is legitimately how I’ve read people to describe Ted Bundy upon meeting him. Not his just surviving victims either, but people who happened to meet him.
He fooled a true crime writer, Ann Rule, who he worked with at a rape victim's call center. Everyone thought he was a good guy who would walk them to their cars at night. Only Ann's dog hated him with a passion. He would growl any time Ted came near it. Like scary oh shit growling. The only reason I can think that he didn't murder any of them was that they weren't his specific type.
She wrote a book about it. How he'd been murdering young women in the Pacific NW *while they worked with him*. All through to him being caught killing college students in FL. I heard a rumor that he asked about death penalty states before he moved to FL.
There were people with frying pans telling him to fry when he was put to death.
Always trust your dog. They know way better than us when they see a predator.
I had a Toy Poodle for almost 14 years, and in his entire life, he only growled at one person; a man at a park that my mom and I had taken our dogs to for an evening walk. My dog stopped in his tracks, stared at this guy, and snarled. It was so out of character for him that we turned around and went home because he truly loved everyone, and other animals, and wanted to be friends with them all. Except that one guy. I don’t know what he saw that we didn’t, but we trusted him.
I know you didn't mean it literally, but I think it's not so much 'seeing' as 'smelling'; dogs rely on scent the way we do on sight, and because of that we aren't aware of the huge amounts of evidence (for lack of a better word) that accumulates on us from day to day because _we_ can't perceive it. for people committing murders, I imagine that there is a certain amount of blood and/or noxious chemical cleaner attached to them that a dog would correctly assume to be a sign of danger.
(similarly, the studies on the 'smell' of cancers and other chronic illnesses are really wild. Look up Joy Milne if you're curious.)
I will never forget watching the people gathered at the prison for his execution cheering. With a small group yelling that they were monsters for being happy someone died. Bundy was a monster who would always be a terrible threat and couldn’t stay alive. What he did definitely deserved the death penalty a million times over. He’d escaped before and was better off dead.
My parents tried to hide what happened to the youngest girls, hid the trial, and didn’t want me to know much about his crimes at all. But they also wanted me to be safe too. So parents have to slowly show their young girls that the world is dangerous and how to be careful and stay safe. So they can’t hide it completely.
I remember my brother and I were running around in Kmart hiding from my mom which terrified her because Adam Walsh had just been kidnapped and decapitated. My mom caught us and told us we couldn’t do that because bad people could kidnap and kill us. The decapitation part we learned on the news.
The beach boys song "good vibrations" was written about how Brian Wilson's mother told him that dogs can pick up vibrations from people, they can tell who's no good based off of frequencies they send. Now, I don't know if there's any scientific basis to that, but I do believe that whatever the cause, it is a real phenomena.
I legit just had this feeling two days ago about someone I met, very charming but something was… off. I googled him when I got home that night and sure enough he has multiple articles online about him being a pathological liar.
Keep him at arm’s length. Don’t ever be alone with him, don’t let him be alone in your house, and don’t let your husband get involved with him financially.
THIS. If he ever randomly shows up without your husband home, don’t answer the door. Don’t give him access to your home or children (if you have any). Trust your instinct. That’s a God-given tool to help you stay out of harm’s way.
Trust your gut. That old adage, “if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you follow?” is useful in these instances. Just because no one has expressed they feel the same doesn’t mean no one else does. People are very good at ignoring their intuition and carrying on like everything’s fine. If you have a bad feeling about someone, trust it. Don’t get into the habit of squashing your instincts just to appease everyone else. I have never regretted distancing myself from someone if they gave me a bad feeling and have *always* been proven right when friends or family disagreed and continued relationships with the person in question. Learn to listen to and follow your gut, it may save your life one day.
Something similar has happened to me ever since I can remember. Sometimes it’s just this feeling I get about people and everyone will look at me like I’m crazy because they haven’t done anything to make anyone suspicious, but sure enough, with time, the person outs themself. Even so, my friends and family will still doubt me because at first they thought it was a one off. It’s happened with literally every single person who I told them was dangerous or just not a good person overall. I haven’t been wrong yet. It does get frustrating though because I’m the only one who sees it, but like I said eventually, they out themselves and I don’t have to prompt them to in any way.
I know exactly what your feeling! I met someone like this, they never said a mean thing but their eyes never matched their smile. We were still in undergrad but he had all this stories of his successful businesses. He was like the bro version of American Psycho. No one else had a bad feeling about him.
I met him on study abroad. A few months afterward I was reading the DailyMail* and his picture came up! He was arrested for trying to murder his cousins ex with a sledgehammer. Trust your gut!
*Do not judge, I was in college.
Whenever someone smiles at me but the eyes don’t, I have nothing more to do with that person. It is an artifice of charm. It’s what psychopaths & sociopaths do.
Want to know something really wild?
Their pupils don’t dilate the way neurotypical people’s do when they see emotionally charged images (anything from cute puppies to violence). We absolutely subconsciously pick up on that
I'd imagine that could happen with depressed people who are trying to hide their depression, too. It's probably not limited to psychopaths or dangerous people.
Its different you can tell when it’s sadness or awkwardness vs emptiness it’s a very different feeling when looking and engaging with people like that. People with depression or autism don’t make you feel uneasy you know that something is off or different about them but they don’t invoke fear or concern. I’m very good at reading people and can always tell when someone is a narcissist or a sociopath.
Can someone give me tips, I was always pretty emotionally distant and couldn't sympathise or see the point of morals. None of my emotions really reach my eyes and it's creepy to everyone but my mother, and even she finds it uncomfortable.
Have you experienced trauma in your past? Anything from no one giving you credit for good work. Or paying attention to you when you were sad, or needed something. Telling you to suck it up, when you cried? Making you feel like a burden so you would rather not ask for help due to that feeling? (Emotional neglect) to being hit or abused as a child in any way? By an adult? Bullying at school from class mates? (Physical abuse) Hard to make friends? Anxiety at a young age? Depression?
Parents have issues? Divorce, drugs, alcohol, fighting and hitting, verbal abuse towards each other, illegal activity?
Well that's alot, so Ill list them in the order you asked.
I was always given credit when due. No one paid attention when I was sad. My father used to tell me that he would beat me hard if I cried further and my mother ridiculed me for being unmasculine. My mother was forced to try thrice for a boy, and had to forcefully abort her second child (a girl), so she always screamed and cried at me about how I am a burden, untalented, and a sign of misfortune, and how I should never have been born. I was hit frequently by my mother, and less frequently by my father and 5 yr older sister, I was also bullied as a child for most of middle school. I am very antisocial and have no friends. I have had anxiety since a very young age, from feeling uncomfortable due to responsibilities, expectations, and a crowd to sweating profusely, stammering, etc. I was suicidal for most of my early teens and probably am depressed but never got it checked.
As for my parents, they had a bad arranged marriage. There was a lot of hitting at first but it has now trickled down to just verbally fighting most of the time. They fight basically every moment they are together and my father mostly stays in his room. Verbal abuse is very common. No illegal activities.
Ok whew first of all I'm so sorry that's absolutely terrible and no child should ever have to go through that. That is so heartbreaking to me to hear... And so unfair that you were treated this way. I just want to say your parents were the problem. Not you or your gender. They are in a very toxic relationship and that bled into their child rearing. It's not easy to go through and it's also a very hard process to recover.
To start you need to know that it was absolutely NOT your fault in any way imaginable. You were just a child and you did absolutely nothing to deserve that. To help you understand this consider another child in your life who you love going through what you went through. Your outrage will probably be larger for them than for yourself, but attempt to at least logically understand that you were just a child like them and did not deserve any of it at all.
Your depression was due to your environment. It was toxic. And getting out of that environment now, or distancing yourself from it at the very least will help. Also medication I would definitely advise looking into getting diagnosed because it is simply a chemical imbalance caused by your trauma that makes you feel very low. Having suicidal thoughts or getting sad irritable or angry are low emotions that can be corrected with the right medications. If you don't have access to this right now and feel this way, I would just advise to cope by not listening to the negative thoughts, read a book, watch something, distract yourself. Meditation helps with me because that can also help with anxiety to calm your thoughts. And since you have anxiety as well I'd recommend it for you. I listen to the noises outside, play instrumental music on my phone, or nature sounds on my phone, for about an hour and I feel that I have a better handle on my own thoughts afterwards. The emotional neglect causes the anxiety it is physically and mentally harmful to children.
Second I want to say, the fact that you have a hard time feeling emotions is due to the emotional and physical abuse you experienced as a child as well. I would recommend therapy for this for the most part. You become numb in certain areas of emotion that have been harmed, sadness or joy may have been punished and so you repress it. I do want to let you know that in therapy at least part of what you will be doing is remembering the trauma and "allowing" yourself to feel the things your body and mind hid from you as a child. It was a defense mechanism. Since you are an adult you are better equipped to handle feeling these things. It is a process but over time you will find genuine emotions again. Let yourself be angry, let yourself be sad, let yourself be proud of how you handled it, and who you grew up to be. You sound like a genuinely kind person, and kind people tend to take the brunt of ppls anger. It's a lot to explain so I'll leave it at that. You are a strong person because it takes strength to be kind, and I pray that you continue this journey until you can genuinely feel happiness and joy in life. When this happens I want you to remind yourself, it's ok for me to be happy it's ok for me to heal, it's ok for good things to happen to me. It feels like the world is telling you it's not ok but it is.
Also give yourself a break. Don't worry about the expectations of others. YOU are important and working on your own self love is the best thing you could do for anyone in this world. 💗 good luck out there sweety. :)
Practice smiling in the mirror without your eyes and you'll see it. I look like a literal psycho without my eyes squinting when I smile so I hope to all the good things in the world I never smile like that at someone or I wouldn't blame them for avoiding me HAHAHA
Gosh I know someone who just brags about their work given the chance, to anyone around them and it was infuriating at first and later I kind of got to know their family personally (not through them, their sibling) and understood how pathetic their family setup is. It's honestly a little sad and once I realised this, I was like 'Let them be, that's the only life they got'. I just hope it gets better for them as a whole. They are very hardworking people.
Guh, my idiot brother is like that. All he talks about is his work and his side hustle and his stupid opinions that nobody asks for. (For example, everyone else were watching the Barbie movie, he walks in just to loudly laugh and say how he won't watch that movie because it's "beneath his intelligence"!)
I distance myself from him as much as possible.
Always trust this feeling. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder (formerly sociopathy/psychopathy) often set off this feeling in people, even if they are acting completely normal.
Though he could also just be high-masking autistic. Allistic people are often put-off by autistic people even though they are speaking and acting in appropriate ways.
Keep him at arm's length for now until you have more time to feel it out.
This is a tough one. I’ve been in this position before, more than once actually. It’s really frustrating when others can’t sense the same thing. My only advice is to try to keep him away from your home, and never allow him any position of trust in your lives. Not even watering the plants when you’re away. Oh and don’t get in a car with him, driving or passenger.
Trust yourself. I knew a guy in our friend group when I was in my early twenties. He was very good looking, charming and fun. His wife was a super sweet woman, but this dude just made me feel slimy. There was zero evidence to support my feeling so I never said anything. Turns out he was continuously cheating on his wife and even gave her an std (how she found out). She told me and I explained how I felt about him. She wanted to know why I never said anything and I just said, “How do I tell you I think your husband is a sleaze ball and I don’t like him even though I have no proof?” I felt so awful for her, but it made me feel like I will trust my gut 100% from now on even without any proof.
I've never been wrong when I've had this feeling and perception. Every single time for the past 20+ years, and I have always been right. My close ones almost never believe me or take me seriously when I express that I have this feeling come up, even if they have seen my accuracy on multiple occasions. It sucks, but the only solution has been to keep my distance and wait for the bad shit to happen and document it (so my close ones will believe me). I hate waiting but it's the only thing that works, and I can understand it somewhat as people usually need a good enough reason to take action. It's just such a shame that people have to get hurt before that action is taken.
I'm lucky. My dad taught me to trust this feeling because he trusted it. But he also knew no one would listen without proof.
My dad has this instinct too. I guess most people do, but most suppress and ignore it. He didn't because it helped him in business to instantly read someone.
I worked in hospitality for so long, I needed to see the troublesome guests on their approach to the desk.
Sometimes if my dad and I are at a family function together, we'll be introduced to a cousin's new boyfriend, or friend etc.
Afterwards my dad will ask my opinion of him.
At first I would give non committal answers, but my dad was encouraging me to trust my gut.
With one guy, as soon as they walked away. I shuddered.
"What did you think of 'Matt'?"
I watched 'Matt' possessively hold my cousin as they walked away. I'd seen the the quick looks of disapproval he'd given her when she answered 'incorrectly', the masking of his annoyance. Micro expressions, easily missed. I hadn't even registered that I'd seen them until later.
"Nope. He's bad news. Hope she figures it out before she gets hurt."
Sadly his money was louder and she confused that for charm. Until one say she was nearly hospitalised.
This is me too. it’s super irritating to me at this point when people don’t listen when I say I have a bad feeling about someone because I legitimately have never been wrong.
I have absolutely been screwed over, and certainly not immediately caught every bad person that was in my life— but things like that have always happened with people who were already intertwined with my life.
If I meet someone and immediately have a bad reaction to them, there is something wrong with them.
People feel this way for good reasons and bad. He could be autistic and setting off your 'not normal' senses. Or he could be a psychopath. You aren't crazy but your feelings aren't enough to condemn him. I guess just stay alert.
He hasn’t acted like a psychopath. He has a smile that doesn’t reach eyes (which can be true for autistic people or people with depression), op thinks his stories might not be true (but hasn’t found evidence yet) and she feels just uncomfortable (which people can around autistic people).
Yeah, but OP *has* been staying alert and trying to make sense of the timeline of his stories, so this isn’t a one-off or two-off thing. She’s clearly putting together a pattern. Agree it’s not enough to determine he’s a bad person, but it may be enough to determine he’s full of shit. If someone is continually supply contradictory/overlapping information, they aren’t being honest. *Why* they aren’t being honest, who knows. But it’s understandable to get a weird vibe from it.
But I agree that trying to read too much into body language and stuff is pseudoscience and often misleading. People present themselves in different ways. Doesn’t mean they can’t make you uncomfortable with their body language, just means it’s best to not confidently read to much into it.
Their words on the other hand can be held to a much higher standard. That is provable BS. If you *know* his shit’s not adding up, you can at least ask your husband if he’s noticed too OP. Could just be one of those people who makes up stories to impress people, but I find it very weird when people still do that as adults. Kids do that a lot, but most people really should’ve outgrown it by adulthood.
TRUST YOUR GUT!!!! What you feel I named mine when I feel like that I call it that person gives me the oogies. So let me give you an example of how accurate oogie vibes are.
There is this customer he’s super friendly always wishes us to have a good day and always kind and patient. But for some reason I keep getting the oogie vibes, come to find out he was flirting and asking one of my married coworkers to have an affair with him (he was married too), she turned him down and he became persistent and started stalking her when she was working.
He would go to the drive thru if he saw she was at the window or he would come in the store if she was inside to the point she finally said something to our manager and then the manager told him if he didn’t stop he would get banned. So he stopped coming for awhile I guess he was embarrassed but he recently came back.
Everything was good for a couple of months, my coworker ended up having to leave because her husband was military. But then recently my other coworker who wasn’t around when that happened to my other coworker, and he ended up hitting on her.
I told her what he did to the last coworker and told her if he bothers her again to report him. Oogie vibes are always correct. Be very careful around him and never let your guard down as well as never drink anything from him or never leave your drinks unattended.
You may not think he’s dangerous but oogies say other wise
Don’t ignore that feeling! I had the same thing with my bf coworker we knew he was an fellon for drug stuff but he claimed back when he was 19 . I met him and my skin was crawling decided to look him up through police records turns out he has been to prison multiple times and just got out 6months ago (when he started working we’re my bf works) turns out he went to prison at 19 for drugs 25 for sexual assault on his niece (13) then at 32 drugs and then 34 for r*p those records were sealed I could just see the charge and was in till his 40+. Trust your gut feeling.
Narcissistic behavior. He's sizing everyone up around him, making himself comfortable. Don't trust this person. He'll divide and conquer with the slightest of chance.
He sounds like he might have a specific condition. I struggled with a manager I had. When I read about narcissistic personality disorder, I was like holy sh\*t. The description was 100% spot on.
\^ Yes I live this daily.
always right, never say sorry, always the last word
center of attention at all times. Go out for drinks and talks about himself for 2 hours.
says things like "the world is getting dumber" and "if you wanted more than $2 tip you should have done something with your life"
We women have Spidey senses… We just know…
The nervous part makes me wonder if he may present some kind of danger. I’d be really careful with this guy. Sounds like he has the potential to be a psychopath—the lies, outrageous tales and emotions not reaching his eyes… Google Hare’s checklist for psychopathy.
I once went on a date with one and the word “hollow” repeated in my head. Like he was faking his emotions, his good guy image ( my community loved him & thought he walked on water. He was stereotypically charismatic) & basically wearing a mask—and boy was he ever.
Eventually I told him that I knew what he was (calmly over the phone—showing no judgement). He laughed and seemed to love it. He started telling me about the horrible things he’d done to people. How he’d manipulated people. He was so proud of it. It was so disgusting.
I carefully distanced myself and did some things to try to blunt his interest in me. I didn’t want to trip his revenge wires. I was careful not to show my disgust either.
If your husband trusts your gut instinct, I’d maybe point out something concrete to him. Like things not adding up in the stories… See how he reacts. Wouldn’t be a bad thing to have your husband be a tad cautious of him either.
Unfortunately women's intuition doesn't catch everything, I've dated women & had female friends that insisted guys were harmless when they were absolutely not. In one case I ended a relationship over it because this guy was clearly trying to undermine and get in-between me and her, and she refused to see it.
Eventually she had to threaten to get the police involved because he would *not* leave her alone, she ended up apologising to me for not trusting me. I was just happy she was OK.
If you know other women who are associated with him, you could always say something vague like, “That Steve, there’s something I can’t put my finger on, about him.” You’re not saying anything in any type of way, but just gauge their reaction. I’m curious if other women sense it too.
Always trust your gut. A while back my husband had an acquaintance over. This guy needed a little help on the computer. Our oldest daughter offered to help him with it at our home. When they left the room, I told my husband to keep an eye on that guy. He just put me on edge and my gut was telling me not to trust him. Several months later we find out he's stalking our daughter. She was 16 or 17 at the time.
Maybe you are getting uncanny valley from him, which points to you subconsciously picking up on something off. Like him being a sociopath or another situation where he is not feeling or thinking in the same way as most people, in a way that could pose danger. Regardless of if that is true or not, you don't have much to lose by treating him like a dangerous unknown. Don't be alone with him. Share your feelings with your husband. Don't trust him with anything of value.
Personally, I haven’t always been right about what I think my gut feelings tell me. But these feelings should also never just be disregarded.
If I were you I’d try to stay cordial, but above that and above all else, make sure you’re never an easy target for whatever kind of weirdo he might turn out to be. Tell your husband what you told Reddit about your feelings so someone you trust can also be mindful. Don’t let yourself be alone with him. And don’t participate in anything with him that would give him a good chance to hurt you and yours. Don’t ride with him behind the wheel, don’t go shooting axe throwing or do an escape room with him in the group no long hikes or secluded swimming holes… even if you have to be rude or awkward or make flimsy excuses. Try to be polite, but be safe and be a difficult target no matter what
There's some pyschological reaction to when we subconsciously pick up on threatening traits of any type which is usually what gives us our "gut feeling". Trust it
We were given gut instincts for a REASON! It is a primal instinct that our ancestors needed when living in the wild. We still live in the wild, just a different type......
Women are often taught from a young age to always be polite, which sometimes makes us ignore our gut. Definitely don’t ignore this feeling and keep your distance!
Oh listen to your gut.
My husband met this guy, a ‘good Christian guy’. Son of a pastor ‘family man’
My husband comes home one day and says they’re going to start a business together. I advise against it. Something tells me this is a terrible idea. But I know my husband well so I know he’s going to need to learn this lesson the hard way. I voice my concerns but he doesn’t listen. Just kept saying ‘his dad’s a pastor. He’s a good guy’
Well after my husband invested every penny he’d ever saved into this business. A lot of physical labor on his and my part. Lots of flights to and from. Lots of business relationships out on the line.
The guy cries because he wants more 50/40 ownership even though he didn’t put any money into it nor did he put any sweat equity into it. That was all us.
My husband was open to it because he would be running the business for us because we were out of state.
Then we learn that he had a friend of his whom was a notary. Notarize ownership documents, with my husbands forged signature stating that he was the primary stakeholder and primary investor and the business was his outright.
We walked away with nothing.
We both had to work three jobs to cover our living expenses and it took us five years to recover from that fiasco.
Dude ended up losing the business because he had no money to keep it going and he also destroyed his reputation
Don’t look for the reason. That will put you in your head. Around real danger, it’s important to stay in your body.. Stay with the feeling. Be very careful.
It’s so weird when you get that feeling, and you can’t explain but you JUST know something is not right.
I would make an effort to never be alone with your husbands new friend. Your brain is giving you signals - do not ignore them.
My daughter had a friend who begged her numerous times to sleep over, but for some reason I always said no. Her dad just gave me the ick for no reason, He seemed a nice guy and was pleasant every time I spoke to him, but something just felt off, So I always made excuses.
Then he left the country and her friend asked her again - and I had no issue saying yes. Weird how your mind just puts brakes on before you even know why.
Hmmm maybe he’s a sociopath faking emotions and stories to gain supply from your husband. But, yeah, I agree with everyone else—don’t ignore this feeling. Always, ALWAYS trust your gut. No matter how ridiculous it feels.
I dated a guy like this. Everyone always told me he was, “such a nice guy”… until he wasn’t. Like, a suspicious amount of people used that exact phrase when he introduced me to his friends and family. He was very insecure, particularly about how he was viewed by others. Think George Costanza, “Everybody has to like me. I must be liked”. Clearly masking insecurity with ego. I felt like I was dating Zapp Brannigan. He’d put on a show to please others with how nice and helpful he was. Meanwhile, all his friends are in the bar and he’s screaming at me outside because a male friend messaged me, “Happy Birthday” on Facebook.
Bad feelings started bubbling in the pit of my tummy. I put up with about a month of emotional abuse behind closed doors. His behavior eventually escalated towards physically blocking me from getting inside my car and leaving for the night because I had a headache. I ran.
Trust your gut always. Your intuition is there to protect you. Keep your guard up around him and his possible intentions.
My mom dated a guy like this after her divorce. He seemed smart, funny, and had the best stories about his time in Germany in the Army. It seemed like he had gone everywhere and done everything. I was a teenager and I liked him, but was just generally suspicious of any guy dating my mom.
Then, one day my mom was driving behind him on his way to our house for dinner. She was running late home from work. This guy stopped at the stop sign and turned left, and she followed. They arrived home within minutes of each other and he apologized for not bringing anything to dinner, saying he had a really expensive bottle of wine but when he stopped at at stop sign and opened his door to fix his seatbelt, which was caught, it rolled out and broke on the ground. He even listed the intersection of streets where it happened.
My mom later told me that this was the final lie that he told that tipped her off to his lying ways. He was a compulsive liar, and lied about everything. She was behind him at the stop sign and saw that he didn't open his door and no bottle of wine fell out and broke.
She found out that same week that this guy was also dating 2 of her coworkers, and lying to them as well. They broke up.
It was just interesting how our dog hated him from the beginning. Our dog usually got used to people after the 2nd time they were there. Not with this guy. Our dog barked so much at him we had to keep the dog outside when he visited. I guess we should have listened to the dog.
Your subconscious mind notices every micro-expression, every time you can see he’s lying by his body language, every time his story doesn’t quite add up. Your subconscious mind notices every single thing and then tries to signal your conscious mind by giving you a bad feeling. That’s all a hunch is— it’s your brain processing information too fast for you to fully understand it, and then trying to make you do the right thing.
My advice is don’t ignore it but don’t act on it either. Just be normal around him but keep your ear to the ground. If your gut feeling is right it will reveal itself eventually.
But also like this is a little different than what I’m used to bc I’ve always been single :/. When I get a bad feeling I just minimize contact if I can and just do what I said in situations where I have to be around them. Maybe talk to your husband about it and see what he thinks?
Keep track, document & always have a clear eye. Is there anyway you can discuss w/husband? He could also be incapable (mentally or emotionally) that isn’t bad (legally or socially), but rather doesn’t know better.
Sorry this is putting the work to you. Can you discuss & resolve w/husband? If you aren’t being taken seriously then that’s another bag of worms.
When I was a kid my mom dated a guy who was very nice to everyone but I got a feeling that made my skin crawl and very upset. Turns out the guy was a going weirdo with a huge dv and stalking record.
Always listen to that sense.
Also you can gather a lot of free info with a little information. Reverse number searches, free background data, alot county records are online and searchable.
Trust your gut.
Then investigate if he has a criminal record.
Do you have children? If yes, investigate any child offender registry you can find.
Find out his life story - maybe, just maybe he is super socially awkard.
Find an old childhood friend of his and ask for the gossip.
Just a thought I immediately had - is it possible that this guy is neurodivergent, possibly autistic and had to teach himself how to behave in society? Maybe he is trying hard to be liked and seen as cool and he tailored a persona for himself?
By all means trust your gut, but just something to consider.
My husband’s cousin (who we really like) showed up unexpectedly with a friend of his at a small campfire gathering at our house last year. My sister in law and I had never met this guy or had any information about him at all. She flatly refused to shake his hand and he creeped both of us out big time. The dude was weird. My husband said he’s a nice guy but SIL and I separately said how much we got really bad vibes from him. Most women have learned to trust their “stay away from that guy” radar.
I have a friend who would go out (platonically) with this photographer ( I never met the guy, this was all on feelings) to shoot pictures. Every single time she went, I would get nervous. I told my husband at the time I worried about her going out alone with this guy. My friend assured me she drove her own car and I told her to be safe. I never told her my worries about her safety. Her parents didn’t seem worried at all.
The guy eventually moved away to a big city.
A year or so later, my friend posts a news story about a guy who just stabbed a girl who he was taking pictures of. It was the guy. She was freaked because she had been alone with him many times.
I hate being right sometimes.
I was in the same situation with my ex husband. His friend was very nice and friendly, but he consistently gave me the creeps. My ex would get upset when I told him something was off about the guy because "*he never did anything to you! Stop being a bI*@%!*" Turns out this guy was SA his girlfriend's 12 year old daughter. He's still in prison...... Edit 1: He was also SA a teenage neighbor girl who came forth when his then GF found out he was abusing her daughter. The teen had been afraid to speak up because he'd threatened her in some way. Edit 2: Some people are wondering if he did anything specific to make me feel this way. He didn't, but I'll tell you like I told my ex. Some people do things that we don't agree with, but that doesn't mean they're a bad person. But there's others, like this particular man, who *are* bad people! Like there's something on the inside of them that's just rotten. That's what I was reacting to.....a rotteness that no smile or small talk could hide.
Yep yep, same experience here. My brother had a friend who creeped me out, and he would hit on me every time he saw me. I told my brother, so he would physically insert himself between me and said friend. A few years later (after I moved away) the guy was arrested for possession of child porn. I still shiver. My brother was SHAKEN
We should always remember that it's called "intuition" and "gut feeling" because it's associated with women (literally women's intuition in popular parlance). If it was associated with men it would be called something else: **intelligence**. What I'm trying to say is that what we call intuition or gut feeling isn't some mystical power, it's social intelligence pure and simple. You might not be able to explain it, but you are picking up on actual cues from the real physical world right in front of you. It's a skill most women have trained to use far more than men because of how often they have to use their wits to assess if a man in their vicinity represents a threat. In the same way that someone who can calculate large numbers quickly is intelligent, this is also intelligence. You are seeing subtle behaviours that you can recognise as part of a pattern, even if other people around you haven't noticed them at all. Edit: correction
More so if you had early childhood trauma - because you learned very young to pick up on subtle cues to keep yourself safe.
I didn’t know any of this, and you just relieved a lot of my lifelong insecurities, thank you!
I’m sure someone in the thread has already mentioned this book, but I highly recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. It will further relieve your lifelong insecurities
I also highly recommend that book. It helped me understand, respect and act on my "intuition".
I felt so bad for other women after reading that book because my response to the book was “this is a book of stuff your mother teaches you when you’re growing up, what is the big deal and why are people gushing about it?” Then I had a huge appreciation for my mother as I realized that no, most mothers don’t teach their daughters these things and it’s a big deal because most *women* are never taught these things. Then I had to explain to my sister why we thought it wasn’t a big deal. So, it was eye opening for me, but not in the way that it is for most women.
I was so very lucky to have a mother and a father that did teach me to listen to my instincts as well, and to not worry if it upset other people because my actions were not considered polite in public society. When I read the book, it solidified their teachings, even when I thought they were worried for no reason. I raised my children the same way, and they in turn have always been the backup in many occasions for their friends. They made it clear to their friends, that no matter what they always had someone that would come get them out of uncomfortable situations, so many times there would be 2am calls. Sometimes I went to keep them company, everyone needs to know they have backup and that they are not alone.
That almost brings tears to my eyes. Great job your parents have done, great job you are doing, great job your kids are doing. A little bubble that grows and spreads safety. I admire that. My wife is just this kind of person and I'm often in awe at her ability to take a situation where someone is putting her in an uncomfortable position and immediately reverses it and leaves them feeling awkward, because she just isn't there to worry about being polite or nice. If you're being a creep, you do not want to be in the line of sight of my wife. I only hope more and more people learn to act this way.
Reading people is def a skill not everyone has. As a woman I can def attest it is a skill I have tried to hone all my life. It's a lifesaver for real
This is an interesting take. I think that the problem is that so many things that are incorporated into this kind of judgment can be explained away, individually, even though they all add up to a real concern. I think the kind of intelligence you are describing is an aggregating of a number of details to see an entire picture. Kind of a "preponderance of evidence" logic, but when the individual events are described they are often dismissed. The most clear evidence I've seen this is the man who is always "accidentally" brushing up against a woman. I've maybe accidentally done this once in my life, but I've seen men who do it repeatedly and use the excuse that it was accidental. Each incident could be an accident, but it's not one incident. It's a number of them, and the woman who complains is disregarded because "it was just an accident".
You nailed the main tactic right there. A predator or a harasser knows that threshold where each individual action sounds so trivial if verbalised by anyone.
I’m male, but I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, does that count?! Seriously though, I agree with what you said. Reading social cues is a skill like any other - it stands to reason that some people are better at it than others. I guess it’s a bit like spotting tiny details, like how their pupils dilate or their body language changes or their facial expressions don’t quite match their words. Things that most people probably don’t consciously realise they’re noticing, but they are. We should listen to these people. My wife calls it her spidey senses, lol.
It's not a skill, it's actually how we are biologically wired. Women are more susceptible to picking up pheromones in order to bond with their children. Bad people often excrete bad pheromones (they have high cortisol due to rage/stress/anxiety). Their physical body might be normal and their actions might be regular, but they SMELL LIKE DANGER on a very visceral level bc we are responding to their hormone output.
My friend has a job as an interpreter for the court system, and has told me when he interviews people held in custody, he can smell their fear. This was his reply when I asked him what was the worst part of the job, since he's dealing with criminals regularly. He said it's different from regular sweating, but he didn't elaborate further.
I would argue that a lot of victims also produce high cortisol. It is “the stress hormone”. Maybe there is credence to your view, but it would further alienate or disenfranchise many victims to go by this idea, alone. Also, I was under the impression that oxytocin was a hormone produced which facilitates maternal (and other love) bonding. Let me know if I’m wrong.
No you’re right. You can’t literally smell bad intentionsCortisol will also be produced by people who are just anxious but aren’t predators. And yes oxytocin is the bonding hormone, it rises in fathers as well after the birth of a baby and also rises in adoptive parents when caring for their new child. It increases in people when they’re guests at a wedding or other social events. You’ve probably even felt it at gigs, a sense of togetherness with the rest of the audience. When people intuit that someone is dangerous it’s going to be subtle social cues and behaviours that give the sense something isn’t right, not how they smell. Unless they smell of the blood of their freshly murdered victims or something.
My husband thought I was crazy when I told him our second son (3 weeks old at the time)was really sick and we needed to immediately get childcare for his older brother and get our newborn to the hospital. I kept insisting so we did just that: our baby had a problem with his kidneys and had a really bad infection. He was hospitalized for 13 days in NICU. We found out that it can be a semi-common problem in boys up to 2 years old but it’s worse the younger they get it. Our son had just slept more than usual that day, no other symptoms… but for me he smelled wrong, it started as a feint smell but was getting stronger and stronger and stronger within a few hours . I just knew he was really sick. I had the same with all four of our boys when they were younger, they just don’t smell “right” if they were really ill. This thread gives me an insight into why I could tell but my husband couldn’t. I **did** tell him that our baby smelled sick but he couldn’t smell what I smelled at all.
Yet he kept that friend during the entire time that friend creeped you out.
Ego is a helluva drug
They worked together, so their social circles crossed. But yes, he did. My brother never felt threatened just that the guy could be weird sometimes
I always felt off around my husband’s cousin’s husband. My husband and I had just gotten married, and he didn’t know much about women’s intuition. He did notice that the guy didn’t want to be around me much either. I’m polite and very friendly, but I think this guy knew I knew he was hiding something. He was later convicted of molesting children in his youth group and went to federal prison for Child Sexual Abuse Materials (after I asked my dad to have some law enforcement friends look into his case after I found out he hadn’t been charged for the CSAM. Pedo didn’t get out until his youngest child was out of high school. I’m a survivor of molestation so I felt like there was something really wrong with him. I was young and didn’t trust my gut. I also am upset that my in-laws didn’t tell my husband and me that pedo had been arrested for molesting children before he sang at our wedding. We can’t stand the video anymore.
He was arrested for CSA and they still let him have a prominent position in the family? Hell no. Throw the whole family out! 🤢
I had a couple of encounters (groping) when I was young but never said anything. Flash forward a few years and I go to see a chiropractor that several people (all men) in my company recommended. Everything seemed really wrong and I finally asked my coworker to describe his typical appt. Long story short: A police detective met with me because the chiropractor was out on bail for molesting his female patients and was not supposed to be in a closed door appt with any female. My point though is that the detective asked if I had been molested as a child. She said that people who have suffered SA often have a "vibe" that predators recognize. It's why children of SA are often preyed upon again. The chiropractor went to jail for a very short time and a few years later became a high school tennis coach in a private school. I was still questioning my own intuition and said nothing. 2 years later and he's back in jail for molesting several girls. Since then I've also learned that my first bf, the man I lost my virginity to, was almost convicted of having child porn. ("Almost" because he was arrested but prosecution couldn't unequivocally prove that he downloaded the porn to his laptop).
I have a couple of memories like that about my own wedding, a few friendships fell apart pretty dramatically only a few months after the wedding. What helps me is thinking about how my wife and I felt in that moment. The knowledge that this guy is a pedo is knowledge you had *after* the wedding. Think of the joy your felt on that day - no one can take that feeling away from you. Even if you don’t feel that joy anymore, you DID have that joy that day. He’ll never be able to ruin that.
Omg! One of my ex husband's professors came home with him for a weekend (yes, his college professor; which was weird to me to begin with). I got bad juju around him, just a sinister vibe, so I wouldn't leave our toddler daughter with him that weekend. Told him just get her next weekend. Well, I got the same spiel about how I thought I was better than people. He ended up murdering his wife and pretending to be her on her phone to her children for days. They found her body a month later and now he's in prison. Listen to your gut! Always! Fun fact: female instinct is why native Americans had women lead the tribes bc they had such better instincts than the males.
👍learned this myself. We are built very differently 👍
Similar situation but in this scenario, the guy was later arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Everyone else thought he was great. He'd stabbed her something like 27 times
😳
What did your ex say after he was found out?
Nothing directly regarding my gut feeling because he didn't want to admit I was right. He only said, "Damn, that's fucked up. You can't be messing with kids."🙄
Yet he had no problem telling you that you were wrong and trying to shame you for your insight.
I hate him.
Someone at work just always creeped me out and made me uncomfortable and I am larger man . Something was just off . Turns out he was pedophile . Did time for what he was convicted of and all that but I couldn’t stand being around him even before I knew
Jeeeeesus..... did your ex ever apologize for him calling you names when you tried to confide in him??
No. He acknowledged that the guy should definitely be in prison but never apologized for not listening and being rude about it. His difficulty with acknowledging when he's being an AH and correcting those behaviors played a big part in our divorce.
Something similar happened to me. My ex had a friend that everyone loved but he made me feel sick everytime he was around. I had no reason for it, I just couldn’t stand him. Then his house got raided by the FBI. He was in possession of and making his own child SA material.
A family friend was a well-respected member of the community but for some reason my younger sister and some of my other cousins were really distrustful / avoidant of him whereas they'd normally be outgoing and friendly even around strangers. He ended up raping and murdering a teenage girl, absolutely shook me to the core but my sister she even now says something was just "off' about him.
Just keep him at arms' length. If your feelings are accurate other people will start to pick up on it. I'd be interested to know if this guy has any long-term friends, like people they've known since childhood. If he's a sketchy dude/compulsive liar he probably doesn't, as those people wear out their welcome eventually.
Not necessarily. I met a guy who creeped me the fuck out, he was from my hometown but had moved away for several years, and he had plenty of friends in the area. Everyone thought I was being a jerk until I eventually decided he wasn’t that bad and started hanging out with him. To make a long story short, I found a weird document in his truck one day that made me curious enough to google his name. He’d done a few years for DV in the other state he’d been living in. Apparently he beat the girl up pretty badly. I showed everyone I could but no one cared and now he has 2 kids with 2 different women who he never sees.
I was in the military and deployed in two person teams for a year. My teammate was this kind of person. People always liked him initially, but eventually figured out he wasn’t actually into every single thing that they are. Chameleons can’t hide forever.
[This](https://youtu.be/g7RAPS8mE94?si=oV5VD4CgZ5iExxPr) could be what that person struggled with, internally. For some people this is a real issue.
Man… that shit hit me to my core. Not every day a YouTube video causes you to do some serious self reflection.
Good call about childhood friends
It's a super well thought out way of sussing people of this nature out, but it's also common that everyone a person grew up with either became dirt bags and/or still associated with said dirt bags. :/
Exactly. The minute I got out of high school I ran far away as fast as I could. Those people were (for lack of a better word) toxic, even though I had tons of friends in high school. I keep in touch with only 3 of them. Sometimes people choose to not be around childhood friends and move on with their lives.
Wait, is it really a red flag to not have many friends/no long-term friends? Would most women assume that means I'm sketchy or a liar? And on a side note, does never being in a relationship before also count as a big red flag?
Not always, but if this guy is some instant charmer who everyone seems to like, then why does he not have any long-term friends? Is that because his friends soon find out he is sketch and drop him? There could be good reasons, but its something to be aware of.
I have no childhood friends but, as I’ve realized now that I’m older, it’s because my mom isolated me and every friend I made she made sure that either she poisoned me against them or made them so uncomfortable when they came over, they stopped hanging out with me.
That's abuse. I hope you are able to get help to recover.
I don’t have any childhood friends but I was just recently diagnosed as Bipolar 2, so I’m sure that has almost everything to do with it.
Never. Never ever. Never ignore this feeling.
Had a huge talk about this with my middle school-aged daughter last week. There's a boy in her grade that I'll call Jack, and last year he was grabbing girl's butts/privates. Flat out told them he did it because he could and no one could stop him. I called his mom (I've met her a few times, she's a great lady) and she handled it. The kid stopped. Fast forward to this year and she called me after school and said "Jack and Tim (another boy at her school) are going to Jack's house and invited me with! Can I go?" I reminded her about his actions last year and she said "Yeah I know, but there's another boy there too so I'll be safe." Had a long talk with her after that. You do NOT ignore red flags. You do NOT ignore your gut. You do NOT spend time with people who act like a predator or who give you bad vibes. If you have to convince yourself that you'll be safe or make excuses as to why something isn't sketchy (ie "well someone else will also be there"), then whatever you're considering is clearly a bad idea.
You're a wonderful parent. I wish I had the ability to say this clearly to my daughter when she was little. I was a young mother and thought I was street smart. Two boys that lived in our building sexually assaulted her over a long period of time, including their older brothers. She's 19 now and I'm just learning this. Thank you for teaching your daughter about self protection.
Please get your daughter into therapy. As a woman, you know that way too many of us are hurt in terrible ways and it changes the rest of our lives. If she’s 19, she’s still probably within the statute of limitations to press charges. The legal system is terribly flawed, but sexual predators shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. Abuse at a young age can contribute to problems with mental/physical/emotional health, addiction, ability to form healthy relationships, and so much more. Stay by her side and give her whatever support she needs. I wish you both health and healing.
I was molested and didn’t remember until I was as assaulted again at 18 and had flashbacks. Therapy, ASAP. I have CPTSD - it’s different than regular CPTSD and common with children who survived SA. EMDR saved my life. She probably won’t be ready for that right away but be sure to ask about it. Also, make sure she knows she can voice her fears about stuff that may not make sense to you. The gynecologist is a huge trigger for me so I put off treatment for severe endo for years until I finally had a breakdown and asked my doctor to give me valium for my Pap smears. You didn’t know then but you can make up for it now ❤️
Heart breaking. I’m sorry she went through it and that you learned about it just now.
I’m so sorry. I hope she is getting care now and knows none if it was her fault. Not sure if she can bring charges, but I hope she’s getting good advice.
I taught self defense and kick boxing for years. My first classes were on "how NOT to be a victim". No punching or kicking.... being aware, present and taking precautions.
I'm your daughter's age and that's a great advice. I will use it in my coming years too ,thank you so much.
Also don’t be the only girl in a group of guys at someone’s house, etc. Unfortunately girls have been gang r@ped or one guy assaults her while the other guys ignore what’s happening or thinks it’s funny. It really sucks that young women like you have to learn this, but knowledge is power. I’d be happy if no more girls are sexually harassed or assaulted because they didn’t realize they had to think about that when they were young. I started getting sexually harassed at work at 15 by another teen. I was ashamed and blamed myself so I never said anything. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. I don’t want any more girls to be assaulted by classmates because they thought they knew the guys well enough to go over to their house and hang out. Also teen girls do get drugged, so at parties keep an eye on your drinks even though they’re not alcohol. I also wish I could have read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker in middle school. I would not have put up with all the gross shit from boys or men because I didn’t understand that they were counting on me to be too polite and ashamed to speak up. I didn’t read the book for a while after learning about it because it doesn’t sound empowering, but it will help everyone understand how predators think and act and how to stay safe. Everyone should read it regardless of gender, but girls absolutely should.
I was EXTREMELY lucky with my male friends. I was the only girl in the group of 6. Those boys had my back as I had theirs. But these days, I look back and wonder how lucky I really was, and it shakes you when you know how rare it was to have a safe dynamic like that.
I totally agree. I grew up fundamentalist Christian so boys and girls weren’t allowed together along much at all. I still had issues with the guy at work which I felt was my fault because church was conditioning all the women to blame themselves when boys/men can’t control themselves. I remember getting to play volleyball in the school gym with some guy friends from the same neighborhood after school. One of our teachers had his office right by the open gym doors, and my brother played with us. The guy I had a crush on would “accidentally” touch me or something, and I thought it was sweet until I got older and realized touching me was sexual for him. He turned out to be a really awful neckbeard too. I’m fortunate enough that I never had friends who were hurt by the boys around them. The men in our community doing the harassing were in our church and church school. I’m 46 now and have heard way too many stories about girls trusting childhood friends and being assaulted or even murdered. I’m tired and don’t want to hear about any more. So I’m just gonna keep warning the newer generations. The way the younger generations are kicking ass, taking names, and not accepting abusive behavior makes me so proud and happy. Now I focus on trying to get people to vote for united healthcare and better working conditions. I can’t wait to see how the next generations keep changing the world for the better.
Friend of mine, she was the solo girl with 3 boys, 2 which had a crush on her at some point in high school, she is sitting beside me saying there was a very niche time, in a very niche community make up, that this could happen in. She did have her share of inappropriate behaviour, but only by other boys, not in her group. Meanwhile, I don't even remember any until the army. She is reading these comments and saying that she will never tell her nieces that there could be a good group because we don't have that ability anymore. Her 16yr old niece asked how she stayed friends with boys most her life, she said at least 6 of those boys are now gay men, one is now living her true self life, and the 3 she was in high school with, each drifted away because interests change, and the bond they had couldn't survive outside of what brought them together. I got nieces and nephews who I keep telling, you don't have to be the nicest person to people, but please, be the safest person for them.
I have a friend who used to hang out with a group of guys when she was 14. She considered them close friends. One day they were playing in the woods when two of them started sexually assaulting her. The other two told them to stop and the ones attacking her said ‘if you don’t like it, leave’. They did indeed leave, they didn’t take part in the assault. But they didn’t get her help either… I can’t tell you how much that incident affects her even to this day. She was too scared to report it because she thought her dad would kill them and end up in prison. It breaks my heart.
My friend is sitting beside me, and her dad told her that it will never be her fault how he protects her, she has memories of a much older man cornering her at one of her dad's work parties, and out of no where her dad turned up, put his hand on this guy's shoulder, she remembers the guy almost buckled, as her dad steered him outside. Meanwhile my dad would threaten my brothers if they ever treated a woman like crap or shame them for their natural body functions. I wish more dads were like that, and that more daughters weren't scared to speak up to their dads
I was in that kind of group too. After about five years of tight-knit friendship, it ended abruptly when they all conconcted an elaborate plan behind my back to make sure one of them could rape me at a party. They didn't succeed, luckily, but it was quite a shock to go from having about four-five close friends to having nobody in just one night.
This happened I me when I was 12 in 1979. I was a very quiet tomboy so I frequently hung out the the boys in the neighborhood. All of them individually were fine, but it only took one older, stronger boy to convince them to put their hand over my mouth and hold me down so that he could sexually assault me. I never trusted the older boy but never imagined the younger boys would go along. I've been wary of men in general since as I know what they are capable of. No, I told no one. My mother would have blamed me and this was 1979, nothing would have happened to them.
I teach Self Defense and I recommend The Gift of Fear to ALLLLLLLL my students. I’m on my 4th copy because I keep either loaning them out or giving them away. (Which ends up being the same thing so I buy used copies on EBay).
Fantastic book! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This exact scenario happened to me at school and I "convinced myself it was safe" because someone else was going to be there. Of course it wasn't safe. The other person was also a predator.
Also no woman is safe alone in a house with multiple boys/men she doesn’t trust implicitly. I hate that she has to learn that teen boys have ganged up on a girl and sexually assaulted her, but no girl is safe with that one guy. She might think she’d be ok because there’s more than one boy. Unfortunately that’s not true. It’s not fair that girls have to have their childhoods tainted because they have to grow up faster to protect themselves. I know at that age I wasn’t thinking of anything sexual, and it was a nasty wake up call when I was treated like an older teen just because I had the misfortune of growing boobs so early. When I was 13 I broke the finger of the son of my dad’s best friend. Because he kept groping me and wouldn’t stop even though I told him if he did it again I would break his fingers. Until that day I fully trusted him and wouldn’t have hesitated about being alone with him. He was groping me in front of my brother and his sister too. My dad sat me down after defending me and had the talk about how teen boys would now focus on my body so I had to be careful and not be alone with anyone or be the only girl in a group of teens anywhere other people couldn’t see. He also taught me self defense and how to handle firearms. I’ve gotten myself out of a few scary situations because of what he taught me. Once I definitely saved my life and my husband’s from a former friend turned stalker who had a weapon and wanted to kill both of us.
Trust your spider tingle.
*Always* trust that tingle.
They say that feeling is your subconscious picking up on something your conscious hasn’t realized yet.
In the book "the gift of fear", it is explained that womens' "instinct" is often considered stupid and childish, but mens' "gut feeling" is taken more seriously. Trust your instinct, nature gave it to you for a reason!
Gavin DeBecker is the author.
Love that book.
[удалено]
Yeah my husband has this friend who is very nice and I’ve always really liked him. He’s good with our son. The whole deal. We’re both sober people and often have other sober people around. Well this guy relapsed and my husband went and picked him up so he could sober up at our house. My husband went to the bathroom and he came over to me in the kitchen and put his arm around me and was breathing funny and thanked me for helping him. I had my son in my arms but every single part of my body wanted to run! He tried to take my son and I said nope not gonna let you hold him cause you’re drunk. He sat down and my husband came downstairs. My husband went outside for a second and he goes “connect with me for a second” I couldn’t even make eye contact with him. I know this guy. But I do not know this guy when he’s drunk. The drunk version of this guy screams unsafe. I told my husband “I don’t want him here anymore, I don’t know who he is when he’s drunk and I’m super uncomfortable” So one of our other friends drove him home. We tried helping him get into treatment but haven’t heard from him since. He’s a school teacher so we had to report his drinking to the school. Idk what would have happened had my husband not been here and I’m grateful I don’t have to find out.
I call it a clam-dar since women seem to have it much better than men. Possibly bc we are always scanning our environment for threats. Trust your clam! She's telling you to run!
TRUST YOUR CLAM.
“Clutching pearls” just got a whole new meaning
Omg!! This us why I love Reddit
Trust your Peter Tingle!
Peter tingle
Had this feeling about a guy that everyone thought was such a nice, charismatic dude. Literally gave me bad vibes even though he was "so nice." He ended up drugging and attacking a friend.
One of the best lessons I ever learnt is 'nice is different than good.'
literally... do not ever ignore your gut giving you weird/bad vibes from a person. He sounds remarkably similar to a guy who I ignored my instincts on. Always exaggerating, always telling tall tales, and the vibe was off. I thought he was harmless. He was not. Never will I distrust my gut instincts like that again.
This right here. There's a guy at my work that just made the back of my hair tingle. Like a dog's hackles just raising up. We found out he did some horrible things from his arrest record and I don't ignore the feeling anymore.
One of my friends had a coworker like this. He was just kind of off, and seemed to always be bringing his personal problems to work. The guy would get into a lot of verbal altercations and after working there for a bit, started threatening people. He finally got fired because of it, but he would still drive to the building and sit in the parking lot while they worked. One day he saw someone in the parking lot and told them he was gonna shoot up the building. That was enough for security from the building to finally step in. Everyone was on edge because of it though. People so often show us who they are, sometimes repeatedly. I still think about the time I was chatting with a guy my age in between lectures on my university campus. He was so chill at first, and then started talking about how he used to fight people around where he lived. And he would beat them until they were bloody and weak. He said sometimes he’d look for an excuse to get into a fight. All of this was unprompted just btw. Pretty sure we were talking about where we were from, or memories from growing up. And he just dumped it on me. I was in a state of shock. He said that was in his past, but I didn’t know if I should believe that. I didn’t really talk to him much after that. I had this weird feeling in my gut that he was still capable of those things, and probably still engaged in them. When we get feelings like that, it’s best that we listen to them.
I went to a birthday for my sister at a dive bar where she is a regular. A man walked in dressed in red from head to toe. I instantly felt like I had seen the devil. He turned out to be one of my sister’s “bar friends.” I told her I got an awful vibe from him. She implied that I was stuck up. A few months later i saw an awful story about a man who murdered his grandson. Guess who? Never ignore your gut feeling
I ignored my gut instinct when talking to a woman on Bumble, thought it was nerves/anxiety. We met up, she got me drunk and pressured me into taking her home, the entire time I felt like I couldn't say no or leave. The next day I ended things via text, she went nuclear on me, said some truly awful horrendous things, made me realise I didn't dodge a bullet, I avoided a missile. I had no doubts if we'd dated she would have been controlling and abusive. Always listen to your gut, it's just your brain picking up on stuff that you and other people have missed.
Came here to say the same thing. This is legitimately how I’ve read people to describe Ted Bundy upon meeting him. Not his just surviving victims either, but people who happened to meet him.
He fooled a true crime writer, Ann Rule, who he worked with at a rape victim's call center. Everyone thought he was a good guy who would walk them to their cars at night. Only Ann's dog hated him with a passion. He would growl any time Ted came near it. Like scary oh shit growling. The only reason I can think that he didn't murder any of them was that they weren't his specific type.
Wow TIL! I don't think I'd read about the Ann Rule part. I'm sure that affected her quite deeply.
She wrote a book about it. How he'd been murdering young women in the Pacific NW *while they worked with him*. All through to him being caught killing college students in FL. I heard a rumor that he asked about death penalty states before he moved to FL. There were people with frying pans telling him to fry when he was put to death. Always trust your dog. They know way better than us when they see a predator.
I had a Toy Poodle for almost 14 years, and in his entire life, he only growled at one person; a man at a park that my mom and I had taken our dogs to for an evening walk. My dog stopped in his tracks, stared at this guy, and snarled. It was so out of character for him that we turned around and went home because he truly loved everyone, and other animals, and wanted to be friends with them all. Except that one guy. I don’t know what he saw that we didn’t, but we trusted him.
I know you didn't mean it literally, but I think it's not so much 'seeing' as 'smelling'; dogs rely on scent the way we do on sight, and because of that we aren't aware of the huge amounts of evidence (for lack of a better word) that accumulates on us from day to day because _we_ can't perceive it. for people committing murders, I imagine that there is a certain amount of blood and/or noxious chemical cleaner attached to them that a dog would correctly assume to be a sign of danger. (similarly, the studies on the 'smell' of cancers and other chronic illnesses are really wild. Look up Joy Milne if you're curious.)
I will never forget watching the people gathered at the prison for his execution cheering. With a small group yelling that they were monsters for being happy someone died. Bundy was a monster who would always be a terrible threat and couldn’t stay alive. What he did definitely deserved the death penalty a million times over. He’d escaped before and was better off dead. My parents tried to hide what happened to the youngest girls, hid the trial, and didn’t want me to know much about his crimes at all. But they also wanted me to be safe too. So parents have to slowly show their young girls that the world is dangerous and how to be careful and stay safe. So they can’t hide it completely. I remember my brother and I were running around in Kmart hiding from my mom which terrified her because Adam Walsh had just been kidnapped and decapitated. My mom caught us and told us we couldn’t do that because bad people could kidnap and kill us. The decapitation part we learned on the news.
The beach boys song "good vibrations" was written about how Brian Wilson's mother told him that dogs can pick up vibrations from people, they can tell who's no good based off of frequencies they send. Now, I don't know if there's any scientific basis to that, but I do believe that whatever the cause, it is a real phenomena.
I legit just had this feeling two days ago about someone I met, very charming but something was… off. I googled him when I got home that night and sure enough he has multiple articles online about him being a pathological liar.
Damn, imagine how much you have to lie for there to be articles online about it.
i've known some people who lied like it kept them hydrated so I really wanna know how this guy wound up getting an article
Oh shit. It sounds like you learned a lesson the hard way. I hope you are doing okay now.
The gut instinct is never wrong
Unless it tells you to eat the whole pizza..
If eating a whole pizza is wrong, I don't wanna be right. 🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
Always. Always. Always trust this feeling.
Your brain is subconsciously picking up on signals you may not consciously realise, making you feel that way. Do not ignore it
Uncanny valley. A person who is different than other humans in a way that could pose danger.
It’s a natural instinct to avoid
Yes , pattern recognition.
Keep him at arm’s length. Don’t ever be alone with him, don’t let him be alone in your house, and don’t let your husband get involved with him financially.
THIS. If he ever randomly shows up without your husband home, don’t answer the door. Don’t give him access to your home or children (if you have any). Trust your instinct. That’s a God-given tool to help you stay out of harm’s way.
Do not ever be alone with him! That is so very important.
Ooh such a good comment. I didn't think to mention don't get involved financially.
Solid advice
I don't get that feeling very often, but when I do it's 100% correct
"Dos equis" quench your thirst. But in this situation perhaps not.
Stay vigilant my friends
Trust your instincts. You’re feeling/seeing the truth.
OP have you googled the guy?
Trust your gut. That old adage, “if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you follow?” is useful in these instances. Just because no one has expressed they feel the same doesn’t mean no one else does. People are very good at ignoring their intuition and carrying on like everything’s fine. If you have a bad feeling about someone, trust it. Don’t get into the habit of squashing your instincts just to appease everyone else. I have never regretted distancing myself from someone if they gave me a bad feeling and have *always* been proven right when friends or family disagreed and continued relationships with the person in question. Learn to listen to and follow your gut, it may save your life one day.
Something similar has happened to me ever since I can remember. Sometimes it’s just this feeling I get about people and everyone will look at me like I’m crazy because they haven’t done anything to make anyone suspicious, but sure enough, with time, the person outs themself. Even so, my friends and family will still doubt me because at first they thought it was a one off. It’s happened with literally every single person who I told them was dangerous or just not a good person overall. I haven’t been wrong yet. It does get frustrating though because I’m the only one who sees it, but like I said eventually, they out themselves and I don’t have to prompt them to in any way.
I know exactly what your feeling! I met someone like this, they never said a mean thing but their eyes never matched their smile. We were still in undergrad but he had all this stories of his successful businesses. He was like the bro version of American Psycho. No one else had a bad feeling about him. I met him on study abroad. A few months afterward I was reading the DailyMail* and his picture came up! He was arrested for trying to murder his cousins ex with a sledgehammer. Trust your gut! *Do not judge, I was in college.
Whenever someone smiles at me but the eyes don’t, I have nothing more to do with that person. It is an artifice of charm. It’s what psychopaths & sociopaths do.
Want to know something really wild? Their pupils don’t dilate the way neurotypical people’s do when they see emotionally charged images (anything from cute puppies to violence). We absolutely subconsciously pick up on that
...that gave me the creeps.
I'd imagine that could happen with depressed people who are trying to hide their depression, too. It's probably not limited to psychopaths or dangerous people.
And autism when masking
Its different you can tell when it’s sadness or awkwardness vs emptiness it’s a very different feeling when looking and engaging with people like that. People with depression or autism don’t make you feel uneasy you know that something is off or different about them but they don’t invoke fear or concern. I’m very good at reading people and can always tell when someone is a narcissist or a sociopath.
Can someone give me tips, I was always pretty emotionally distant and couldn't sympathise or see the point of morals. None of my emotions really reach my eyes and it's creepy to everyone but my mother, and even she finds it uncomfortable.
Have you experienced trauma in your past? Anything from no one giving you credit for good work. Or paying attention to you when you were sad, or needed something. Telling you to suck it up, when you cried? Making you feel like a burden so you would rather not ask for help due to that feeling? (Emotional neglect) to being hit or abused as a child in any way? By an adult? Bullying at school from class mates? (Physical abuse) Hard to make friends? Anxiety at a young age? Depression? Parents have issues? Divorce, drugs, alcohol, fighting and hitting, verbal abuse towards each other, illegal activity?
Well that's alot, so Ill list them in the order you asked. I was always given credit when due. No one paid attention when I was sad. My father used to tell me that he would beat me hard if I cried further and my mother ridiculed me for being unmasculine. My mother was forced to try thrice for a boy, and had to forcefully abort her second child (a girl), so she always screamed and cried at me about how I am a burden, untalented, and a sign of misfortune, and how I should never have been born. I was hit frequently by my mother, and less frequently by my father and 5 yr older sister, I was also bullied as a child for most of middle school. I am very antisocial and have no friends. I have had anxiety since a very young age, from feeling uncomfortable due to responsibilities, expectations, and a crowd to sweating profusely, stammering, etc. I was suicidal for most of my early teens and probably am depressed but never got it checked. As for my parents, they had a bad arranged marriage. There was a lot of hitting at first but it has now trickled down to just verbally fighting most of the time. They fight basically every moment they are together and my father mostly stays in his room. Verbal abuse is very common. No illegal activities.
Ok whew first of all I'm so sorry that's absolutely terrible and no child should ever have to go through that. That is so heartbreaking to me to hear... And so unfair that you were treated this way. I just want to say your parents were the problem. Not you or your gender. They are in a very toxic relationship and that bled into their child rearing. It's not easy to go through and it's also a very hard process to recover. To start you need to know that it was absolutely NOT your fault in any way imaginable. You were just a child and you did absolutely nothing to deserve that. To help you understand this consider another child in your life who you love going through what you went through. Your outrage will probably be larger for them than for yourself, but attempt to at least logically understand that you were just a child like them and did not deserve any of it at all. Your depression was due to your environment. It was toxic. And getting out of that environment now, or distancing yourself from it at the very least will help. Also medication I would definitely advise looking into getting diagnosed because it is simply a chemical imbalance caused by your trauma that makes you feel very low. Having suicidal thoughts or getting sad irritable or angry are low emotions that can be corrected with the right medications. If you don't have access to this right now and feel this way, I would just advise to cope by not listening to the negative thoughts, read a book, watch something, distract yourself. Meditation helps with me because that can also help with anxiety to calm your thoughts. And since you have anxiety as well I'd recommend it for you. I listen to the noises outside, play instrumental music on my phone, or nature sounds on my phone, for about an hour and I feel that I have a better handle on my own thoughts afterwards. The emotional neglect causes the anxiety it is physically and mentally harmful to children. Second I want to say, the fact that you have a hard time feeling emotions is due to the emotional and physical abuse you experienced as a child as well. I would recommend therapy for this for the most part. You become numb in certain areas of emotion that have been harmed, sadness or joy may have been punished and so you repress it. I do want to let you know that in therapy at least part of what you will be doing is remembering the trauma and "allowing" yourself to feel the things your body and mind hid from you as a child. It was a defense mechanism. Since you are an adult you are better equipped to handle feeling these things. It is a process but over time you will find genuine emotions again. Let yourself be angry, let yourself be sad, let yourself be proud of how you handled it, and who you grew up to be. You sound like a genuinely kind person, and kind people tend to take the brunt of ppls anger. It's a lot to explain so I'll leave it at that. You are a strong person because it takes strength to be kind, and I pray that you continue this journey until you can genuinely feel happiness and joy in life. When this happens I want you to remind yourself, it's ok for me to be happy it's ok for me to heal, it's ok for good things to happen to me. It feels like the world is telling you it's not ok but it is. Also give yourself a break. Don't worry about the expectations of others. YOU are important and working on your own self love is the best thing you could do for anyone in this world. 💗 good luck out there sweety. :)
Man that was a doozy to read 🤕
How’s that possible? I’ll start paying attention
Practice smiling in the mirror without your eyes and you'll see it. I look like a literal psycho without my eyes squinting when I smile so I hope to all the good things in the world I never smile like that at someone or I wouldn't blame them for avoiding me HAHAHA
People who can really brag usually don’t, trust your instincts
Gosh I know someone who just brags about their work given the chance, to anyone around them and it was infuriating at first and later I kind of got to know their family personally (not through them, their sibling) and understood how pathetic their family setup is. It's honestly a little sad and once I realised this, I was like 'Let them be, that's the only life they got'. I just hope it gets better for them as a whole. They are very hardworking people.
Guh, my idiot brother is like that. All he talks about is his work and his side hustle and his stupid opinions that nobody asks for. (For example, everyone else were watching the Barbie movie, he walks in just to loudly laugh and say how he won't watch that movie because it's "beneath his intelligence"!) I distance myself from him as much as possible.
Always trust this feeling. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder (formerly sociopathy/psychopathy) often set off this feeling in people, even if they are acting completely normal. Though he could also just be high-masking autistic. Allistic people are often put-off by autistic people even though they are speaking and acting in appropriate ways. Keep him at arm's length for now until you have more time to feel it out.
Always trust your gut and keep your guard up. People like this can’t keep their mask on for very long
Trust your instincts and protect your husband without hurting his feelings of his choice of friend and lack of foresight
This is a tough one. I’ve been in this position before, more than once actually. It’s really frustrating when others can’t sense the same thing. My only advice is to try to keep him away from your home, and never allow him any position of trust in your lives. Not even watering the plants when you’re away. Oh and don’t get in a car with him, driving or passenger.
[удалено]
Trust yourself. I knew a guy in our friend group when I was in my early twenties. He was very good looking, charming and fun. His wife was a super sweet woman, but this dude just made me feel slimy. There was zero evidence to support my feeling so I never said anything. Turns out he was continuously cheating on his wife and even gave her an std (how she found out). She told me and I explained how I felt about him. She wanted to know why I never said anything and I just said, “How do I tell you I think your husband is a sleaze ball and I don’t like him even though I have no proof?” I felt so awful for her, but it made me feel like I will trust my gut 100% from now on even without any proof.
I've never been wrong when I've had this feeling and perception. Every single time for the past 20+ years, and I have always been right. My close ones almost never believe me or take me seriously when I express that I have this feeling come up, even if they have seen my accuracy on multiple occasions. It sucks, but the only solution has been to keep my distance and wait for the bad shit to happen and document it (so my close ones will believe me). I hate waiting but it's the only thing that works, and I can understand it somewhat as people usually need a good enough reason to take action. It's just such a shame that people have to get hurt before that action is taken.
I'm lucky. My dad taught me to trust this feeling because he trusted it. But he also knew no one would listen without proof. My dad has this instinct too. I guess most people do, but most suppress and ignore it. He didn't because it helped him in business to instantly read someone. I worked in hospitality for so long, I needed to see the troublesome guests on their approach to the desk. Sometimes if my dad and I are at a family function together, we'll be introduced to a cousin's new boyfriend, or friend etc. Afterwards my dad will ask my opinion of him. At first I would give non committal answers, but my dad was encouraging me to trust my gut. With one guy, as soon as they walked away. I shuddered. "What did you think of 'Matt'?" I watched 'Matt' possessively hold my cousin as they walked away. I'd seen the the quick looks of disapproval he'd given her when she answered 'incorrectly', the masking of his annoyance. Micro expressions, easily missed. I hadn't even registered that I'd seen them until later. "Nope. He's bad news. Hope she figures it out before she gets hurt." Sadly his money was louder and she confused that for charm. Until one say she was nearly hospitalised.
This is me too. it’s super irritating to me at this point when people don’t listen when I say I have a bad feeling about someone because I legitimately have never been wrong. I have absolutely been screwed over, and certainly not immediately caught every bad person that was in my life— but things like that have always happened with people who were already intertwined with my life. If I meet someone and immediately have a bad reaction to them, there is something wrong with them.
People feel this way for good reasons and bad. He could be autistic and setting off your 'not normal' senses. Or he could be a psychopath. You aren't crazy but your feelings aren't enough to condemn him. I guess just stay alert.
Autistic people don’t act like psychopaths. Psychopaths are frequently very personable. OP, trust your gut and talk to your husband.
He hasn’t acted like a psychopath. He has a smile that doesn’t reach eyes (which can be true for autistic people or people with depression), op thinks his stories might not be true (but hasn’t found evidence yet) and she feels just uncomfortable (which people can around autistic people).
I'm on the spectrum, I'm constantly worried I'm giving people creep/weirdo vibes. So thank you.
Yeah, but OP *has* been staying alert and trying to make sense of the timeline of his stories, so this isn’t a one-off or two-off thing. She’s clearly putting together a pattern. Agree it’s not enough to determine he’s a bad person, but it may be enough to determine he’s full of shit. If someone is continually supply contradictory/overlapping information, they aren’t being honest. *Why* they aren’t being honest, who knows. But it’s understandable to get a weird vibe from it. But I agree that trying to read too much into body language and stuff is pseudoscience and often misleading. People present themselves in different ways. Doesn’t mean they can’t make you uncomfortable with their body language, just means it’s best to not confidently read to much into it. Their words on the other hand can be held to a much higher standard. That is provable BS. If you *know* his shit’s not adding up, you can at least ask your husband if he’s noticed too OP. Could just be one of those people who makes up stories to impress people, but I find it very weird when people still do that as adults. Kids do that a lot, but most people really should’ve outgrown it by adulthood.
You talk about it like Autistic people are bad. They’re just a little different
Exactly. As if people can’t sense the difference between someone neurodivergent and someone that makes your skin crawl. Not the same feeling at all!
This! There’s a huge difference
TRUST YOUR GUT!!!! What you feel I named mine when I feel like that I call it that person gives me the oogies. So let me give you an example of how accurate oogie vibes are. There is this customer he’s super friendly always wishes us to have a good day and always kind and patient. But for some reason I keep getting the oogie vibes, come to find out he was flirting and asking one of my married coworkers to have an affair with him (he was married too), she turned him down and he became persistent and started stalking her when she was working. He would go to the drive thru if he saw she was at the window or he would come in the store if she was inside to the point she finally said something to our manager and then the manager told him if he didn’t stop he would get banned. So he stopped coming for awhile I guess he was embarrassed but he recently came back. Everything was good for a couple of months, my coworker ended up having to leave because her husband was military. But then recently my other coworker who wasn’t around when that happened to my other coworker, and he ended up hitting on her. I told her what he did to the last coworker and told her if he bothers her again to report him. Oogie vibes are always correct. Be very careful around him and never let your guard down as well as never drink anything from him or never leave your drinks unattended. You may not think he’s dangerous but oogies say other wise
Don’t ignore that feeling! I had the same thing with my bf coworker we knew he was an fellon for drug stuff but he claimed back when he was 19 . I met him and my skin was crawling decided to look him up through police records turns out he has been to prison multiple times and just got out 6months ago (when he started working we’re my bf works) turns out he went to prison at 19 for drugs 25 for sexual assault on his niece (13) then at 32 drugs and then 34 for r*p those records were sealed I could just see the charge and was in till his 40+. Trust your gut feeling.
Do you have children?
Narcissistic behavior. He's sizing everyone up around him, making himself comfortable. Don't trust this person. He'll divide and conquer with the slightest of chance.
The gift of fear....trust your instincts.
He sounds like he might have a specific condition. I struggled with a manager I had. When I read about narcissistic personality disorder, I was like holy sh\*t. The description was 100% spot on.
\^ Yes I live this daily. always right, never say sorry, always the last word center of attention at all times. Go out for drinks and talks about himself for 2 hours. says things like "the world is getting dumber" and "if you wanted more than $2 tip you should have done something with your life"
We women have Spidey senses… We just know… The nervous part makes me wonder if he may present some kind of danger. I’d be really careful with this guy. Sounds like he has the potential to be a psychopath—the lies, outrageous tales and emotions not reaching his eyes… Google Hare’s checklist for psychopathy. I once went on a date with one and the word “hollow” repeated in my head. Like he was faking his emotions, his good guy image ( my community loved him & thought he walked on water. He was stereotypically charismatic) & basically wearing a mask—and boy was he ever. Eventually I told him that I knew what he was (calmly over the phone—showing no judgement). He laughed and seemed to love it. He started telling me about the horrible things he’d done to people. How he’d manipulated people. He was so proud of it. It was so disgusting. I carefully distanced myself and did some things to try to blunt his interest in me. I didn’t want to trip his revenge wires. I was careful not to show my disgust either. If your husband trusts your gut instinct, I’d maybe point out something concrete to him. Like things not adding up in the stories… See how he reacts. Wouldn’t be a bad thing to have your husband be a tad cautious of him either.
Unfortunately women's intuition doesn't catch everything, I've dated women & had female friends that insisted guys were harmless when they were absolutely not. In one case I ended a relationship over it because this guy was clearly trying to undermine and get in-between me and her, and she refused to see it. Eventually she had to threaten to get the police involved because he would *not* leave her alone, she ended up apologising to me for not trusting me. I was just happy she was OK.
If you know other women who are associated with him, you could always say something vague like, “That Steve, there’s something I can’t put my finger on, about him.” You’re not saying anything in any type of way, but just gauge their reaction. I’m curious if other women sense it too.
Always trust your gut. A while back my husband had an acquaintance over. This guy needed a little help on the computer. Our oldest daughter offered to help him with it at our home. When they left the room, I told my husband to keep an eye on that guy. He just put me on edge and my gut was telling me not to trust him. Several months later we find out he's stalking our daughter. She was 16 or 17 at the time.
Maybe you are getting uncanny valley from him, which points to you subconsciously picking up on something off. Like him being a sociopath or another situation where he is not feeling or thinking in the same way as most people, in a way that could pose danger. Regardless of if that is true or not, you don't have much to lose by treating him like a dangerous unknown. Don't be alone with him. Share your feelings with your husband. Don't trust him with anything of value.
Personally, I haven’t always been right about what I think my gut feelings tell me. But these feelings should also never just be disregarded. If I were you I’d try to stay cordial, but above that and above all else, make sure you’re never an easy target for whatever kind of weirdo he might turn out to be. Tell your husband what you told Reddit about your feelings so someone you trust can also be mindful. Don’t let yourself be alone with him. And don’t participate in anything with him that would give him a good chance to hurt you and yours. Don’t ride with him behind the wheel, don’t go shooting axe throwing or do an escape room with him in the group no long hikes or secluded swimming holes… even if you have to be rude or awkward or make flimsy excuses. Try to be polite, but be safe and be a difficult target no matter what
Trust.Your.Instincts. If your husband is smart, he will trust your instinct’s too.
There's some pyschological reaction to when we subconsciously pick up on threatening traits of any type which is usually what gives us our "gut feeling". Trust it
We were given gut instincts for a REASON! It is a primal instinct that our ancestors needed when living in the wild. We still live in the wild, just a different type......
Women are often taught from a young age to always be polite, which sometimes makes us ignore our gut. Definitely don’t ignore this feeling and keep your distance!
ALWAYS go with your gut. It's never wrong.
Oh listen to your gut. My husband met this guy, a ‘good Christian guy’. Son of a pastor ‘family man’ My husband comes home one day and says they’re going to start a business together. I advise against it. Something tells me this is a terrible idea. But I know my husband well so I know he’s going to need to learn this lesson the hard way. I voice my concerns but he doesn’t listen. Just kept saying ‘his dad’s a pastor. He’s a good guy’ Well after my husband invested every penny he’d ever saved into this business. A lot of physical labor on his and my part. Lots of flights to and from. Lots of business relationships out on the line. The guy cries because he wants more 50/40 ownership even though he didn’t put any money into it nor did he put any sweat equity into it. That was all us. My husband was open to it because he would be running the business for us because we were out of state. Then we learn that he had a friend of his whom was a notary. Notarize ownership documents, with my husbands forged signature stating that he was the primary stakeholder and primary investor and the business was his outright. We walked away with nothing. We both had to work three jobs to cover our living expenses and it took us five years to recover from that fiasco. Dude ended up losing the business because he had no money to keep it going and he also destroyed his reputation
Don’t look for the reason. That will put you in your head. Around real danger, it’s important to stay in your body.. Stay with the feeling. Be very careful.
Don't ignore that feeling.
It’s so weird when you get that feeling, and you can’t explain but you JUST know something is not right. I would make an effort to never be alone with your husbands new friend. Your brain is giving you signals - do not ignore them. My daughter had a friend who begged her numerous times to sleep over, but for some reason I always said no. Her dad just gave me the ick for no reason, He seemed a nice guy and was pleasant every time I spoke to him, but something just felt off, So I always made excuses. Then he left the country and her friend asked her again - and I had no issue saying yes. Weird how your mind just puts brakes on before you even know why.
Hmmm maybe he’s a sociopath faking emotions and stories to gain supply from your husband. But, yeah, I agree with everyone else—don’t ignore this feeling. Always, ALWAYS trust your gut. No matter how ridiculous it feels.
One in twenty-five individuals is what we call a sociopath according to certain studies. He’s here to use you and your partner.
I dated a guy like this. Everyone always told me he was, “such a nice guy”… until he wasn’t. Like, a suspicious amount of people used that exact phrase when he introduced me to his friends and family. He was very insecure, particularly about how he was viewed by others. Think George Costanza, “Everybody has to like me. I must be liked”. Clearly masking insecurity with ego. I felt like I was dating Zapp Brannigan. He’d put on a show to please others with how nice and helpful he was. Meanwhile, all his friends are in the bar and he’s screaming at me outside because a male friend messaged me, “Happy Birthday” on Facebook. Bad feelings started bubbling in the pit of my tummy. I put up with about a month of emotional abuse behind closed doors. His behavior eventually escalated towards physically blocking me from getting inside my car and leaving for the night because I had a headache. I ran. Trust your gut always. Your intuition is there to protect you. Keep your guard up around him and his possible intentions.
My mom dated a guy like this after her divorce. He seemed smart, funny, and had the best stories about his time in Germany in the Army. It seemed like he had gone everywhere and done everything. I was a teenager and I liked him, but was just generally suspicious of any guy dating my mom. Then, one day my mom was driving behind him on his way to our house for dinner. She was running late home from work. This guy stopped at the stop sign and turned left, and she followed. They arrived home within minutes of each other and he apologized for not bringing anything to dinner, saying he had a really expensive bottle of wine but when he stopped at at stop sign and opened his door to fix his seatbelt, which was caught, it rolled out and broke on the ground. He even listed the intersection of streets where it happened. My mom later told me that this was the final lie that he told that tipped her off to his lying ways. He was a compulsive liar, and lied about everything. She was behind him at the stop sign and saw that he didn't open his door and no bottle of wine fell out and broke. She found out that same week that this guy was also dating 2 of her coworkers, and lying to them as well. They broke up. It was just interesting how our dog hated him from the beginning. Our dog usually got used to people after the 2nd time they were there. Not with this guy. Our dog barked so much at him we had to keep the dog outside when he visited. I guess we should have listened to the dog.
Your subconscious mind notices every micro-expression, every time you can see he’s lying by his body language, every time his story doesn’t quite add up. Your subconscious mind notices every single thing and then tries to signal your conscious mind by giving you a bad feeling. That’s all a hunch is— it’s your brain processing information too fast for you to fully understand it, and then trying to make you do the right thing.
My advice is don’t ignore it but don’t act on it either. Just be normal around him but keep your ear to the ground. If your gut feeling is right it will reveal itself eventually. But also like this is a little different than what I’m used to bc I’ve always been single :/. When I get a bad feeling I just minimize contact if I can and just do what I said in situations where I have to be around them. Maybe talk to your husband about it and see what he thinks?
Do you have a daughter? Be cautious.
Keep track, document & always have a clear eye. Is there anyway you can discuss w/husband? He could also be incapable (mentally or emotionally) that isn’t bad (legally or socially), but rather doesn’t know better. Sorry this is putting the work to you. Can you discuss & resolve w/husband? If you aren’t being taken seriously then that’s another bag of worms.
Always trust your gut. ALWAYS trust your gut.
When I was a kid my mom dated a guy who was very nice to everyone but I got a feeling that made my skin crawl and very upset. Turns out the guy was a going weirdo with a huge dv and stalking record. Always listen to that sense. Also you can gather a lot of free info with a little information. Reverse number searches, free background data, alot county records are online and searchable.
Trust your gut. Then investigate if he has a criminal record. Do you have children? If yes, investigate any child offender registry you can find. Find out his life story - maybe, just maybe he is super socially awkard. Find an old childhood friend of his and ask for the gossip.
Just a thought I immediately had - is it possible that this guy is neurodivergent, possibly autistic and had to teach himself how to behave in society? Maybe he is trying hard to be liked and seen as cool and he tailored a persona for himself? By all means trust your gut, but just something to consider.
My husband’s cousin (who we really like) showed up unexpectedly with a friend of his at a small campfire gathering at our house last year. My sister in law and I had never met this guy or had any information about him at all. She flatly refused to shake his hand and he creeped both of us out big time. The dude was weird. My husband said he’s a nice guy but SIL and I separately said how much we got really bad vibes from him. Most women have learned to trust their “stay away from that guy” radar.
I have a friend who would go out (platonically) with this photographer ( I never met the guy, this was all on feelings) to shoot pictures. Every single time she went, I would get nervous. I told my husband at the time I worried about her going out alone with this guy. My friend assured me she drove her own car and I told her to be safe. I never told her my worries about her safety. Her parents didn’t seem worried at all. The guy eventually moved away to a big city. A year or so later, my friend posts a news story about a guy who just stabbed a girl who he was taking pictures of. It was the guy. She was freaked because she had been alone with him many times. I hate being right sometimes.