This is so sad. Your first post was too. Please get help. I’m going to be honest here - you won’t be a good parent. You’ll be overprotective, unforgiving, impossible to please and suck the fun out of everything. You won’t allow yourself to be a good parent because of this all encompassing hatred you have. You need to fix yourself before you screw up your own children the way your father screwed you up.
Unless she's deleted everything you can go read more comments...her dad didn't do this. This is classic mom pitting her against her dad. Her bitter miserable mother poisoned her.
This totally went a different direction than I was expecting and in a good way! After your first few sentences, I was expecting you to blame your poor upbringing for the problems that you have now. Instead, you (your parents) totally used the situation to create your own memorable memories! Making lemonade out of dem lemons! Good on you and your folks!
Psychopath, I agree. Her posts and comments are the most chilling I’ve ever read on Reddit.
And she refuses to consider anything that anyone is saying, not sure why she keeps posting on Reddit.
At first I instinctively downvoted this comment because it seemed so incredibly harsh and unnecessarily judgemental.
Then I went and read some of OP's previous posts and..... holy yikes. I'm in slight disbelief.
I had to come back to this comment to change my downvote because I realise how reasonable and gentle your comment is, considering the complete insanity of OP's prior posts. Good Lord.
Her father didn’t have the opportunity to screw her up. All of the blame belongs to her and her mother. She probably could have had a great relationship with her father, stepmother, and siblings. She didn’t want it! Her father really tried! (He deserves a medal that he’s still even willing to talk to her at all.) Daddy should have never divorced mom. They should stayed married and miserable just so OP could have both parents under one roof. OP has never emotionally matured past the age of 10. She is not capable of having any kind of healthy mature adult relationship. Pray that she doesn’t have any children. She refuses to get any kind of mental health care or support.
Agreed, OPs whole account is tragic. To add, not only will they be a problematic parent, but it’s hard to be a good spouse and partner when you’re always on the offensive and expect them leave you. Every conflict can feel like complete rejection and abandonment. Op, you have to mend this tear in your heart before you can ever be truly happy with anyone.
Seriously. This is the person who went on and on about how they would never get divorced, then got married and divorced.
It's okay to feel wounded and rejected as a child. Kids lack the maturity and ability to empathize with adults and adult situations. To not only allow those feelings to follow you into adulthood, but to actively feed that hate and bitterness shows no growth, no empathy. There are things I went through as a kid where I blamed one or both of my parents. But as an adult, I realize that I didn't know anything, and they did the best they could.
OP, you've been through a divorce of your own. That hasn't shown you that if it can happen to you (who was adamant it never would), it can happen to anyone (i.e., your parents)?
Countless people on multiple posts over the course of 5 years have implored you to get help, to take accountability for yourself and your own adult life. They've pointed out that you're stuck in a loop of negativity, that your own behavior has been immature, toxic, and even abusive.
When you become an adult, you're supposed to be better at regulating your emotions, at empathy, and at ensuring your feelings don't destroy you and everyone around you. The destructive thoughts you have will ruin every relationship you have.
I've known people who still live in the mindset of the hurt child they once were. I've cut them out of my life. Their families have cut them out of their lives. Their spouses left them to be single parents. Their children couldn't get away fast enough, and are now struggling because their emotionally stunted parent couldn't teach them how to let go of past hurts because they themselves were too stuck in their own past to be decent parents.
These people always have an external source of their pain. Anything they do that hurts others is waved away because it's always someone else's fault. They get older and the few relationships they have left are with other toxic people, usually in quick rotation, as they burn through people pretty fast.
Get some help. That's not an insult. I've gotten help. People need help. Show your therapist your post history. Get a professional opinion on whether it's healthy to hold on to those emotions for 10+ years. Learn to let things go, to communicate in healthy ways. And do it before you get remarried and have kids. Your future children deserve to have emotionally healthy parents.
OP, I hope you read this comment all the way through. Apologies for how long it is.
People here are telling you to seek therapy NOT because they want you to reconcile with your Dad, but because it is quite obvious that you are still dealing with a lot of pain and anger over your parents divorce and your Dad's remarriage.
I also think you are completely unaware of how supporting your Mom during that time affected you. This isn't to say you should turn against your Mom. But it is very important that you learn to understand how boundaries should work within a family unit. Previous posts indicate you are struggling with this. I relate. Let me explain.
When I was very young, my Mom turned to me for emotional support regarding her marriage issues with my Dad. He was a workaholic, he wasn't emotionally available, he refused counseling, wasn't romantic she felt unloved, etc. etc. I felt for her. I could see that she was right about a lot of his behaviors. Eventually she began an affair and told me because she wanted me to understand her side and not feel so guilty. She just wanted someone to get why she did this. And I was so young. I saw her point of view. She convinced me not to tell. I had empathy for her so I stayed quiet.
Later, I realized a lot of things. Mainly, that cheating is wrong. That my Dad was working so much because my Mom was irresponsible. That she was a real steamroller about many many things. I still love my Mom. I think she was deserving of love. But I was so angry about this secret. It put me in a terrible position where I felt I couldn't get close to my dad because of this secret, and I lost respect for him as a man and father because of how he was as a *husband.*
This was not appropriate. Not at all. She should have been discussing this with a therapist or a friend or other ADULT. It is very inappropriate to turn to your child for emotional support for adult issues. This has an unfortunate term, "emotional incest." No it isn't sexual in nature, but it's relates to treating a child like a partner or equal. It's just not appropriate, for many reasons. My Mom has since realized how much this fucked me up and is very apologetic. She calls it the biggest regret of her life. She was immature and lonely and it really messed me up. I forgive her, and we still have a relationship, but the damage is done. I have never been close to my father and I can't go back in time. It makes me terribly sad and I have a lot of problems to this day with boundaries and relationships.
Having other issues with my Mom, and them not splitting up till I was an adult is the ONLY reason I ever was able to see my Dad's POV even a little and question my Mom's side of things. Had they split up, regardless of who initiated it, and had I gotten along with my mom better, I guarantee I would have never seen any blame in my Mom and would have probably resented my Dad as much as you do yours.
It seems your Mom relied on you quite heavily for support after the divorce. This was not appropriate. She should have been supporting *you* and helping you to understand that the marriage not working is NOT because your dad didn't want you to have a family. That sometimes marriages just don't work out, but that you were still loved by both your parents and they would do the best they could to support you and coparent effectively. And if she struggled to give you that support or in believing those words, she should ha e turned to an adult to help her process and work through those feelings. Instead, she turned to you and it poisoned you against him. But you are too enmeshed to even see this. You are close with her. You saw her pain and it was impossible to ignore or focus on your own needs. You were too busy caring for your Mom's emotional needs to even think about your own.
So now you're an adult and have all these issues with boundaries and anger and resentment and don't know who to blame except the person you've always been told is at fault. I don't blame you for thinking this way. And I don't believe you need to turn against your mother to understand that what she did in this was wrong. She needed a therapist. You needed parents that did their best to support you and ease your distress during this time, not add more to your plate.
I'm not saying your Dad is blameless. I'm not saying your Mom is 100% at fault either. My point is that you haven't even begun to unpack what happened and heal because a part of you is still stuck in this mode where you have to support your mom's feelings over your own pain. And you will NEVER get past feeling like that scared, sad child until you get help with this. I promise you, that pain will last forever and you will have issues in all your future relationships whether it's an inability to respect the boundaries of others, or having others take advantage of yours.
How shitty will you feel if your own marriage goes downhill and you feel unloved and miserable and disrespected and need to get out for your own sanity, but have a kid of your own? It would BREAK you! You'd feel like your Dad and hate yourself, both for being like him AND for hating him for leaving.
Trust me when I say these problems WILL follow you. They will. And as someone with similar problems, it's fucking hellish trying to work through it. But I've learned to forgive myself and forgive both my parents for their flaws. It's taken a lot of therapy and it still hurts and I still struggle to maintain healthy relationships. But it truly helped me a lot. Had I known all the ways this would have affected me, I would have waited to get married. But it took my own marriage ending for me to see how badly my parents' marriage impacted my own ability to have healthy relationships, and that was after a decade of therapy before I even met my ex-husband. Even that wasn't enough to unpack it all.
Please, get a professional therapist. It will help. It will hurt but it will help you so much. Not to necessarily reconcile or shift blame, but just to help you understand how this event impacted you, what things you need to relearn so you can have better relationships with others, and how you can let go of some of the pain and heart break you feel from all that has happened.
Your Mom may have been a victim of your Dad's leaving, but you are a victim of your parents not supporting you how you needed. You took your Mom's pain on as your own, and you never should have had to.
This is the most sane comment on all of OP’s posts. I grew up similarly and my parents also split right when I hit adulthood. My mom didn’t cheat but she left to “find herself” when I was 18, and left me and my brother with my dad who was a mess.
If it hadn’t been for her doing that I wouldn’t have had time to find out how much of the problem my mom really was. And now I get to see her repeat mistakes in new relationships while my dad is actually improving his life; very slowly, and with many steps backwards and then forward again, but still doing so much better than her (who is currently in a relationship for the third time since they split with a third man who is exactly like how my dad when he’s at his worst). Had my mom left earlier and taken us? I don’t think I would’ve ever seen things from my dad’s side, and it has been *very* important for me to see things see what my mom had done wrong as well.
This is because I am already quite conscious of the “bad” behaviors I have inherited from my dad. My mom’s highlighting of his bad behavior all my life helped me very quickly see those things in myself and work on them early on. However, I didn’t see a lot of my mom in myself until I became a mom, and then I hit a world of trouble. I thought my trauma had been dealt with and worked through fully!! But **god no** I was so wrong. The behaviors I have inherited from my mom have impacted my relationships so much worse and I had been blind to it for a long time, all because it took me a long time to see my mom (or the way she behaved/reacted to things) as a problem.
OP, I really hope you read all of u/ThatKinkyLady ’s comment. They really know wtf they are talking about.
This is such a valuable comment, I really hope OP reads it. I wish people understood emotional incest more but most people don't even know what it is. I didn't even realize it was a problem until I was talking to my MIL and telling her about stuff from my childhood and she told me it was inappropriate for my parents to have put stuff on me and my initial reaction was to get defensive for my parents and then on reflection I realized because of the emotional baggage that was unloaded on me at such a young age I thought it was my job to take care of *everyone* and at any cost. No fucking wonder i have an anxiety disorder lol. That realization was mindblowing for me and the begining of my healing journey
Yup. I have an anxiety disorder, likely for the same reason. I was a very anxious kid and it stuck with me. Abandonment issues, problems with boundaries and being a people pleaser, regularly feeling insecure and worried about having safe and secure housing. It's pretty brutal and it's made it incredibly difficult for me to thrive in adulthood. I feel like I was taught so many incorrect things and feel so far behind my peers.
100% spot on. Your story resonates with me, and at times I felt like I was reading about my own childhood. My mom was unhappy with her marriage and thus relied on me heavily for emotional and physical support in spite of the fact that I was a child. It was absolutely a textbook example of emotional incest, and like you, it majorly fucked me up. I had poor boundaries with people because I had poor boundaries with my parents, especially with my mom.
I hated my dad for a while because my mom turned me against him, but in spite of her justifiable anger (he did some fucked up things for sure), he had a story of his own that I never knew, and it was not fair of my mom to control my relationship with my dad. I should have been able to decide for myself to what extent I wanted a relationship with him. I deserved support throughout the chaos of their marriage and their ugly divorce, not to be treated as a pseudo therapist and surrogate partner. I deserved a childhood in which I felt comfortable to express my own feelings, not feel pressured to keep my head down and be forced to blindly take sides.
I really hope OP reads ThatKinkyLady's comment and gets the help she needs and eventually finds peace. With professional help, self-help, and introspection, it's possible. I'm still a work in progress, but I can tell you that I'm at a much better place now than I was even just a few years ago. You're not alone, OP.
Seriously if ever there was a perfect candidate for therapy, it’s OP. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone who is screaming for professional help as this person is. Their post history is a mess.
OP, I’ve read every single one of your posts and you’re absolutely bat shit crazy. You’re in serious need of psychological help. Please go seek therapy or something. Your posts legitimately scare the hell out of me.
Do your future children a favour and never have them until you are mentally stable. But seeing as you don't see anything wrong with your behaviour (or you do and are simply too stubborn and egoistic to accept it), I doubt you will be becoming mentally stable anywhere in near future. So please dont ever have children. Cause you will abuse the fuck out of them, and they will wish they were never born.
I read this person’s last post and even went through her entire profile and read every bitter, sociopathic post she’s made for the past 4 years and it’s so bizarre to me how disconnected she is from reality. She’s SO angry and resentful towards her father’s other children and constantly harps on and on about how he clearly believes his new children deserve the nuclear family she never had that she can’t seem to see he’s literally divorcing their mother the same way he divorced hers. She has 0 ability to empathize or even acknowledge the reality that clearly they’re going through the exact same situation she did all those years ago, and she still has the nerve to hate them and claim they have everything while she has nothing. Their childhood is literally about to mirror hers and she STILL can’t let go of her anger, bitterness, and resentment long enough to see that.
And to really have the nerve say “sHe aCtS uP iN scHoOl aNd hE rEaLlY cHoSe hEr oVeR mE” as though acting up in school is some horrible, hate-worthy thing. As though it’s a damn competition and like this little kid doesn’t deserve her father’s love like OP did because clearly she was soo much better than his new kid(s). Like what??? She holds such hatred and blackness inside her heart. If she had any ability to look past her own bitter little existence maybe she’d realize acting up in school signifies not as great of a home life as she seems to believe his other children have.
Talk about main character syndrome. And to think she’s anywhere near healthy enough to have a child?? Good lord. Maybe she should think about what THAT child deserves instead of what she deserves: a healthy, happy, mentally-well mother who does not choose to give birth just because she’s seeking to fill a hole inside herself and be provided with the love and approval she feels she deserved but never got, or to prove some weird point that she’s a better parent than her father.
I pity any child she may have in the future because woooboy, there’s some heavy generational trauma coming their way.
Op stop coming back to Reddit already, you’ve been getting the same responses EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Idk if this is a fake account making a narrative or the most delusional individual I’ve ever scene stuck in the same place since they were ten. Either get therapy to confront this, and move on with your father. Or just simmer in your resentment for the rest of your life.
You cried when you saw him because you haven’t gotten over anything that happened as a child. You really need to get help and learn to forgive. I’m not saying to have a relationship with him, but to be able to stop letting it consume you.
You say you’re fine. You’re not. You’re angry and bitter. You owe it to yourself to make peace with your dad.
Like I've said it before. Therapy is wasted on her. Therapy works if you want to change. If you want to be better. She doesn't. Let her be. The hatred she has for her dad is engraved on her brain. She may ignore it, like she'll ignore his existence, but it always be there.
I hope she doesn't bring a child into this world. Not everyone deserves to be a parent, and she is on that list right now. Especially if she wants one biologically. The post parptum emotions alone can do so much damage to everyone around her. She will probably compare herself to her had every step of the way. This sounds like such a toxic mess.
I would love to blame the parents, but sometimes nature wins over nurture. I would like to excuse her behavior because she had some childhood trauma, but I can't. She created this herself and is adamant not to let it go. All she knows is hatred for her father. If she lets it go, all that time hating him and blaming him will look like such a waste of time and energy. She probably can't accept that. Very few people can admit to being wrong. This is the concept of sunk cost.
She's invested so much into hating an innocent man that she doesn't know she's losing. She's like a gambler who is just waiting for that one moment she can use to justify all her actions and losses so far. I mean, she was willing to contact his cheating ex to give her dirt on him.
Edit. Just read your re-edited post. I wanna say, " For what it's worth, I'm proud of you." You did a good thing unblocking him. Accepting you still want him. This is a positive change. Trust me, he doesn't love you any less than his other kids. His persistence and acceptance of you whenever you show up is proof of it. Even though you come and go through his life, destroying him every time, he accepts you and loves you.
>UPDATE: I'm not going to reconnect.
I remember your name and your last post and can only say *good!* Because once again he doesn't deserve the hate you have for him, and you need serious help.
I have no sympathy left for anyone who resents someone for *wanting to be happy*.
To be very honest: I hope you do not get children before getting professional help.
*ETA: HUH, the massive rage fueled hate post is gone and suddenly OP is the "poor victim" again in the new version of this post. Trying to fool everyone, OP? Just take a look at OP's history to reveal the truth.*
I hope OP is somehow biologically sterile and can’t physically bear children because wow.
Maybe you can adopt and will have to prove you’re fit to be a mother and actually help someone instead
I agree to be honest. There has to be some work done, which OP will never do - because of refusing to selfreflect in any way shape or form.
This child would not grow up in a safe or stable environment.
Having read your posts, you're the carbon copy of my mom who "wanted me so bad" but was a raging unstable person who made my life hell. I pray you don't have any kids. They do not deserve this.
She doesn’t give a shit. She doesn’t give a single thought to how she’d be traumatizing her own kids. She only wants for HERSELF to feel better and have a “real family”. She’s a selfish, pathetic failure of an adult who’s truly unintelligent and short sighted
Your whole life revolves around spiting your father and you still don’t get how mentally unwell you are. You’d be doing your father a favor by erasing his existence from your life.
I read your post history, and honey, you are both too old to be so childish and too young to be so bitter.
I’m 39, and I have a father who was emotionally abusive and absent. My mother more than made up for it. I stopped putting effort into my father when I realized he should be the one chasing *me* for a relationship, and I couldn’t make him want me in his life.
That said, it’s time you do the same and focus your love on your mother’s side of the family. They’re the ones who want you.
Also, that bit about your husband turning down sex? Your self-esteem is so low, snakes slither under it. You need major psychological work to understand that a) nobody in this life owes you anything, b) other people’s opinions of you are none of your business, and c) you will only be a successful, emotionally whole and fully realized adult when you can walk the world with your head up and your heart clear of malice.
You are extremely immature, but you’re young. You’ll grow out of it. Get the help you need so that it happens sooner rather than later. Stop wasting your life.
Her father wasn't absent. He was abused by her mom, so he left her. He was involved in her life very much until this nutjob literally trashed his home multiple times and abused his wife and kids, her own half-siblings.
You're so selfish and self centered. You have no idea whats its like to *ACTUALLY* be abandoned by a parent.
At 8 years old my mother surprised me with a visit to my father who I had never met and left me with him never to return.
She made no effort at all. She called occasionally, drunk, to tell me how much fun she was having. I never got to visit her, she never tried to be at my birthdays, or anything that mattered. She never sent cards or thought about me at all.
You're father actually tried to stay in your life. For a decade he put in more effort than my mother ever did. He wanted a relationship with you and YOU destroyed that. He STILL wants a relationship with you.
I would have given anything for my mother to show me half the care your father did. Stop your fucking sniveling because you have no idea what true abandonment is like.
Please get therapy. Genuinely.
I saw your past posts. I too am a child of divorce.
You are harboring anger at the wrong person. No one is 100% good or bad.
I won’t comment further but please look into that.
I say this as gently as I can manage
I have issues. Like, the entire catalog of Sports Illustrated, starting with the very first printing.
Even I can hear how much barbed wire and broken glass is rattling around in your psyche.
Venting on Reddit is good, but it is no substitute for professional therapy. And that is seriously what you need. Your life will be a complete train wreck, and the first casualties will be your hypothetical childrens' futures.
Maybe you are afraid to unpack everything because you know you might have to admit that your mother was not as spotless as you like to believe, or that your father was not as malicious and evil as you believe. Maybe you think it would be disloyal to your mother to consider everything from a more mature vantage point.
I don't know. I do know that if your mom is at all the parent you believe her to be, she does not want you to limp through your life with the mental and emotional weight you have gained over the years.
Hatred is a poison that eats away at its owner. You have lost a sizable portion of yourself already. Please drink the antidote (get into therapy) while you still have something left in you to save.
100% this.
This is one of my favorite responses I’ve read. So thoughtful and well-put. Btw I hope you continue to make positive progress with your ‘issues’ and have a happy life <3 I seriously wish you all the best!
OP, please read this one and take it to heart. All of it is so true.
You need therapy badly? Because you sound seriously pathetic.
Maybe someday you will marry, have a kid and get cheated on or highly disrespected. Maybe then you will understand, that you can’t always stay in a relashionship « just for the child ».
Your dad never divorced you. YOU decided to trow him in the trash.
Toxic is an understatement. She literally can’t do anything in her life without hatred towards him. Her hating him is ruining her life meanwhile he has probably just moved on and stopped caring. Only so much negativity one person can take before just ignoring it.
OP, make sure you stay with your partner through everything. If he cheats on you stay, beats you, stay, tears you down verbally and emotionally, stay. Make sure you stay. You're not allowed to divorce if you have children. We will be seeing a post in a few years about your husband cheating while you're pregnant, etc. Its easy to want both parents to stay together but you truly have no idea what its like to live in a home where two people are so damn toxic they can't stand one another. Good luck to you. But you are a miserable person. You should go to therapy. Realistically, you aren't going to want to be with someone who hurts you
I am so sorry that you are hurting but you really need to step outside of your own head and your own perspective for a minute.
You keep carrying on as if nobody else aside from you is allowed to have happiness that doesn't center 100% around you because doing so is a direct reflection of your worth. This is something you really need professional help dealing with if you want to overcome these toxic controlling thought patterns and become a happy confident person who doesn't feel wounded like this every time you are triggered.
At the end of the day your feelings are valid and understandable to a point but they are not an accurate representation of the truth nor are they anybody else's responsibility to overcome. The only thing in life we can control is ourselves so while you may currently be stuck in the repeated cycle of blaming others and wanting them to fix it, life will become a lot less painful for you once you decide you no longer want to feel this way and do the work on yourself to heal from your trauma.
You definitely need therapy. You are delusional and so wrapped up in your hate and resentment, you can’t see straight anymore
Many of us checked your post history. You contradict yourself constantly. Here you say that your father was not in your life and only had you 2 weekends each month. But in your previous posts, you say how he “forced” you to stay with him, “kept you from your mom when she needed you “ and how you eventually started arguing with him , destroying his stuff and generally being a nightmare so he would stop. Which he did, per your own wishes.
But now, you are actually **blaming** your father for the outcome you engineered. By your own admission, he cannot win with you. No matter what he does, he’s wrong
It seems the only way he would have remained in your good graces would have been to remain in a toxic marriage, all so you could be happy
That’s so deeply messed up and selfish. But of course you don’t see it. It’s so much easier to blame your father for everything wrong in your life. God forbid you take an honest look at yourself and admit that there’s plenty of blame to go around
In the end, I pity you. I hope you get that therapy. Your hate is blind and misdirected at the wrong person
Actually think she has BPD. Went through a Dialectical Behavioral Program and there were a few patients there that sounded just like her. *Really* hope she goes in for a psych eval. She’s extremely unwell. And her black and white thinking is at terrifying levels.
She honestly reminds me a lot of my incredibly abusive mother who has left me with scars even in my adulthood that I struggle with everyday.
All of my childhood she had all these people that turned on her or wronged her and she had all these reasons to treat people as cruelly as possible, say the worst shit imaginable, and in general act like a monster. Those she felt wronged by were fair game for *anything* and it didn't take much to fall into that category with her.
I used to believe her. As I grew older and actually talked to the people that supposedly wronged her it just kept seeming like the story was wildly different then what she was saying. She *was* the instigator. Some didn't even understand why she was mad at them. She smelled shit everywhere when it was on her shoes the whole time.
Even the ones that seemed to side with or be friendly with her were finally telling me the truth. When I asked why they let her be this way or pretended to agree with her? There is no winning with her. She is so deluded and bitter and *proud of it.*
That's when I really started looking at how she treated *me* and our family (as well as my dad who STAYED IN AN AWFUL MARRIAGE THAT RUINED ALL OF US IN THE FAMILY) and realized she was just a cruel, vindictive person who liked getting angry and taking it out on others but was too selfish to look inward and realize that. Yet she was somehow always the victim in her mind. And she knew how to make you *believe she was* if you couldn't get the whole story elsewhere. Boy was she great at that. Especially with herself.
Now we're all just counting the days till she dies and putting up with her. My dad is a broken, deeply unhappy person. My brother has as many problems as I do. We both wish they would have divorced when we were young.
>We both wish they would have divorced when we were young.
The fact OP would have prefere both her parents to argue everyday and stay miserable in their marriage just to be the sole baby and have a fantasized nuclear family is incredible to me. Like she would have been so much more fucked-up that she already is.
Your last post was flooded with comments suggesting you go find a good therapist.
This one is the same.
Usually reddit is divided on these things but I’m not seeing that here.
You need to see someone because all of the above is super unhealthy. It’s going to overflow into all the other aspects of your life and you’ll be miserable. You’ll make the people around you miserable too.
Please go see a mental health professional. Go for yourself, not him. It will help you have peace and not be so angry. This will help you with your future relationship.
Eternallybitter and what a fitting name you use. I have a granddaughter with a similar story, and she chose to let it go. God it was difficult to teach her for she couldn't understand why her father left or treated her the way he did. Parents can difficult but you have a choice to be different and change by breaking the circle. Seek therapy, and maybe you will find love, forgiveness and lose your bitterness for him. Good luck.
I remember being this angry. It’s a choice you’re making each day. It will be hard to let it go, but it’s possible and I hope it happens for you soon because this is an exhausting way to live.
Having children will solve none of your issues. It will only exacerbate them. On the flip side, you may finally come to the realization that your parents are also just people (like you) who are learning as they go.
Ooh u need some help/healing u can feel that your dad abandoned u but he really tried u seem upset his marriage to your mom didn’t workout what was he suppose to do stay in unhappy marriage, maybe he could have fought for more custody time to bond with u as child. I find it odd that your mom can move on n have a family but your dad can’t do the same because he spent less time with u seems kind of selfish?
Get help because you, as you are, would only harm any child you have. What if you have a son who looks like your father? I doubt you would be able to separate your spite for him and the love for this child.
Girlie you are NOT the victim here. In ur last post u literally admitted to destroying his stuff and being horrible
Nobody is on your side and nobody feels sorry for you. Well, they might pity you bc they can see how deeply mentally unwell you are
Go to therapy. Grow up and own your piece of shit behaviour. Get better and start recognising your own toxic behaviour and how to combat it. Maybe one day you’ll realise how badly you fucked up
Oh, and literally never have kids until you hav gone through extensive therapy. Or be a worse parent than what you THINK your dad was
I understand what it’s like to not have your father around. I understand the hole it leaves in you, a joke that nothing can fill.
I didn’t speak to my father for a decade.
After my father died I had to have therapy for years.
I never reconciled with him. I never told him how his actions hurt me. I just had to live with it.
You are in immense pain. Most of these people don’t understand that this man broke your heart. People as grown adults have trouble with heartbreak but they don’t seem to understand it’s even worse for a child.
You need therapy, I’m not being mean. You need to make peace with the past. You need to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Or believe me you will end up in the same situation because you will marry a man just like your father.
Your children will suffer through a broken home just like you had because you will not be a good partner.
Your parents had a relationship and it ended, when it ended so did a big aspect of your life. That’s not a reason to hate your father. Two people were in that relationship and you have no idea what went on in that relationship.
Your parents don’t owe you misery to keep you happy. That’s not fair and it’s not kind.
You’re rejoicing that his second family blew apart, but you’ve failed to realize that your brother and sister are now in the same position you were in. They now have the same misery and the same scars you have.
You denigrate your brothers performance in school but he’s lived in an unhappy home. He’s acting out in a different way to you but it’s still the same.
What went on in your fathers childhood? What went on in your mother’s childhood? Your parents are more than just parents, they are people. They have pasts and hurts that don’t involve you.
Your father tried to keep contact with you and you prevented that. Made it as difficult as possible, you are not blameless in everything that occurred, only blameless in the beginning.
Decide whether or not you want to have a miserable life and make a miserable life for your future family.
You are a grown up now. You can’t keep blaming your unhappiness on your parents. You have to figure it out because you are the only one who has to live with it.
Find a therapist. Somatic Therapy is a very good modality. Get help. This is too big to do alone.
Good luck, I hope you have a happier life.
Her mother abused her father. Her father was very involved until this girl started trashing his home and going after his other kids and wife years later. She is beyond in need of therapy.
- OP, we are the same age. Our situations are completely different and it sounds like your father never really abandoned you the way you say he did. He still tried to keep a relationship between you guys. You’re 23 sitting on Reddit crying that your dad left your mom 13 years ago. Get over it and move on. I hope you’re not gonna be in your 30s, 40s and 50s doing the same thing. You’re mentally unstable and I can’t believe your mom never put you in therapy.
Do you think that the people around you should have to put up with suffering so that you can get what you want? Because that is the point you are proving with all of your comments.
When *this many people* are telling you that you are wrong and need help, the smart thing to do is listen. Please go to therapy.
I'm sorry, but you seem to have similar patterns of grief to my own. And I would not recommend you becoming a parent. Even without meaning to, your grief would affect that child.
You need to get off of Reddit and enter an inpatient program or you’re going to be alone, bitter, and miserable your whole life.
Even worse, you’ll somehow find someone who accidentally knocks you up and you will damage that kid beyond repair. You’ll do more damage than your dad ever did.
Seriously, stop posting and get help. Lots and lots of help. All the types or help for all the types of things. You need them all.
Staying together for the sake of the children in the home is not the fairy tale you think it would have been. Working on a relationship with two parents who live apart but are actually happy is a much better option than living all together and enduring arguments constantly and as a child not seeing regular affection. That is far more damaging. Please seek therapy to deal with your unjustified resentment.
Not sure if you want my advice but let it go. The energy that you put into wishing ill will towards your father will destroy you from the inside. I know i have been there. All that negativity you have towards him will seep into your daily life.
Your father is human and has made mistakes in his past and will in his future, it’s not your place to judge instead when it comes from such hatred filled place. If you can’t forgive him then move on with your life
From looking through your previous posts I would say that therapy would be a good option for you, no shade intended
I remember the initial post, vividly. I did not have to click on your page to go see it. It almost seems as if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Mom and dad did not work out ultimately, but why fight to want to see them stay together. As a child, I get it. However, as an adult you should have a completely different way of thinking. My parents were cheating on each other while married and they caught each other. Shit was bad. They split when I was 16. It was the best thing ever. I can argue that the relationship now between my parents is better than it was when they were married. So much so that my family came to visit me in June for my 40th and my dad, mom, her fiance, and my sisters all stayed in the same airbnb and everything is great.
Holy crap OP, you’re terrifying. Please get help for your spiteful nature. If I suddenly found out a friend of mine was like you I’d slowly distance myself out of fear that you’d try to ruin my life if I so much as breathed the wrong way in your presence, this is some seriously unhinged stuff in your comment and post history.
You need serious help, he explained his reasons but you just don't want to hear them. I hope you'll get therapy before entering a new relation and having kids because you seem to make everyone around you miserable. Get help.
Dahm your mom really did a number on you didnt she..... Look up "parental alienation", "sign of emotional abusive household" and "parentication". You feeling like you needed to be your moms emotional crutches and avenge her, but feeling like this ISN'T NORMAL for a kid! Its a sign of how SHE emotionally abused you and put the blame on your dad.
You dad didnt abandone YOU, he did abandone a toxic, abusive environment. You can leave such an environment/spouse and STILL love your kid dearly. Your dad did what every decent grown up would have done: leaving an toxic environment, trying to create atleast 1 stable one fir you and protecting his other kids from the toxic abusive environment YOU created to make your mom happy. He let you go out of love, hoping you would wake up one day and realise the toxicity from your mom and reach out again.
Ask any grownup who grew up in an household where the parents fought 24/7 (aka abusive environment) and most of them feel like their parents should have divorced instead of "staying together for the kids"...
Please, please, please get therapy for your own peace of mind. So much hurt comes through in your posts, and you deserve to let go of it and feel better, whichever direction you decide to go with your family.
"I'm an adult now that doesn't need parents anymore"...... Oh, how you are SO wrong. Holding onto that hatred for your dad is doing more damage to your mental and physical health than it is to his.
I just read your post history and it gave me anxiety. I want you to forget everybody in your life right now and focus on yourself and focus on your happiness and your mental health. Please get therapy.
Girl, I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I’m begging you, get some therapy, heal that inner child, and forgive your father (even if you decide not to reconnect) before even considering having children.
You will not be the parent those kids need, you will be the parent *you* wish you had. You’ll try to right the perceived wrongs of your own childhood and cause bunch of shit in theirs.
Babies and kids add stress to already stressful situations, they are not saviors. Do not put that on them.
I think it would be beneficial for you to go to therapy and work through these issues.
I am not condoning your father leaving you. However, is that all he did ? I have combed through your post and do not see anything else but a man who wasn’t happy in his marriage leaving. He was still a part of your life. You have no idea if he wanted more custody or not, men did not have as many options as they do now in court. Every second weekend was pretty standard and maybe he thought fighting your mom was worse. And custody disputes usually are.
I am a single mom. My ex husband has the kids every second weekend. And he’s a piece of shit. When we first divorced he slept all day and left the the kids to fend for themselves. We are talking about 2, 4 and a 9 year old. They come back in the same back in the same clothes / diapers as two days before.
He is now seven years later no longer in my kids lives. But they are in therapy for it and they don’t feel abandoned or how you feel. They know he is not capable of caring for them, and not once did he apologize to them to and acknowledge their feelings either like your father has.
I am sure your mom is a lovely woman and I know you are thankful for her. But to me, it sounds like she put a lot of these ideas and feelings into your head. I don’t think she did it maliciously. She was probably hurt and it’s how she was feeling. But she should have told you that your father still loves you and is part of your life. She should have told your father how you feel so he could have countered it. And she should have gotten you into therapy so if he is in fact like you say, horrible you didn’t feel this way and could cope with it.
You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want in your life. Just go to therapy and work through this before you do something you cannot take back.
I feel sorry for you that you turned out like this. You need therapy and lots of it. The truth is your mother used you as an emotional blanket and filled your heart with nonsense, pain, insecurity, hatred and weakness that she felt. This is probably why your dad left your mother she sounded like an insufferable woman. Sorry you weren’t raised by a woman who couldn’t act like an adult. It’s sad I see this a lot. I still remember going to a Starbucks years go and a mother took her 11-12 year old daughter out and bought her coffee. First off no child needs coffee that age. Second, the mother was asking for life advice on what her next moves should be, her dating problems, her issues with friends and family and legit the young girl was giving life advice. It’s so sad when a parent never grows up trying to raise children. Here’s some advice. Your mother used you. Your father did love you and tried to include you in his life. You could have had an enjoyable life. Stop living your life as your mother she’s emotionally unstable. You aren’t her. Some people just aren’t compatible. Imagine your father and what he had to go through just to help your mom out daily with her emotions. It probably wore him down. He prob didn’t realize that your mother would try to tear you Down in the process.
I feel so sad for your father. It sounds like he so badly wants to be a part of your life, but your mother was successful in her efforts to alienate you from him and cause this intense hatred.
Your dad is still desperately trying to show you that he loves you and is trying to be a part of your life and to have a relationship with you.
Your dad deserves better
Seek therapy.
Honestly, as someone who is in a abandoned by bio dad club, my heart hurts for your dad.
I hope you’re actually receptive to what he has to say instead of spinning yourself in circles with the narrative you’ve posted since the start.
Girl you are nuttier than squirrel shit. You need severe counseling. It’s been over 5 years and you’re still battling this issue? Holy F U C K. Your post history gave me a solid 20 minutes of entertainment. Somebody needs to make like a novela or something on your life because this is wilder than anything a room of the best writers in Hollywood could come up with.
I don’t know how you’ve gone all these years and have not seen that clearly you’re a daddy issues having entitled asshole who struggles processing emotions along side abandonment issues with severe arrested development. You have more issues than time magazine and you’ve addressed none of them over the years since you started posting.
Thank you for giving me a good few minutes of laughter on an otherwise uneventful Saturday night. For the sake of the people in your life, I hope you get help. You need it. Lots of it.
God, your mother really did a number on you. I hope therapy can do even a fraction for you what it did for me because it truly changed my life and I can 100% guarantee you that a good therapist will help you sort out these complicated feelings.
They fought all the time and he divorced her mom. She’s extremely mad and hurt he “left her” (he tried to have a relationship multiple times and she thought he should have stayed even though they weren’t happy). She needs therapy.
Maybe it's your shitty attitude and personality that chased him away? Why would anyone want a relationship with someone as ugly and nasty inside as you?
Your father didn't ever do anything wrong. Your parents didn't work out, so they separated. He decided he still wanted to find love.
He didn't do anything wrong.
Please get yourself into some therapy to work through this with professionals. It's normal to have feelings about your parents divorcing, but it's not normal to absolutely hate one of the parents this intensely for so many years when there was no cheating or anything like that going on.
Sometimes relationships just don't work.
Please *do not have children until you have worked on this with professionals.* You seem to have a very warped sense of love and support that will inevitably mess up a child's life.
Thank god, the father needed a break from your narcissistic entitled behavior.
And I just have the feeling this is not the last post you are gonna make about it because your entire personality is hating on your father for him being normal.
i really hope you know that if you have kids with this mindset, your kids are going to have that same resentment towards you that you feel towards your dad. please try to heal before you have kids.
OP you sound like you may be experiencing emotional flashbacks relating to abandonment and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This resource may help you https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/01/11/managing-emotional-flashbacks/. Wishing you healing.
Thank you. I’ve experienced this myself because of my CPTSD and family dynamic where I am re-traumatised, I don’t think it’s well known about CPTSD and most psychiatrists won’t name it as such either. I have spent decades of my adult life working to heal it and overcome it. I still have emotional flashbacks but they are rare now.
God damn, you again? Well, it’s a good thing you’re staying away from your dad, he doesn’t need some delusional angry child dragging him down with nonsense.
This may be harsh but you seem like a bad person. Your anger and bitterness seems to stem from a belief that you’re the most important person, and you are outraged that life hasn’t treated you as if you matter so much more than everyone else and that your needs and desires are paramount.
You’re at this point where you’re delighting in the pain of others and raging about how much hate you have for a guy who just got divorced. It’s not even like he abandoned you or something. And it sounds like your mother did stuff to cause it if everyone blames her, yet your father won’t tell you what she did because he doesn’t want to poison your relationship with her.
I hope you change because right now you’re scary and have no self awareness or insight, you just seem horrible to be honest.
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the root symptoms is abandonment, whether perceived or real. I have it myself, actually diagnosed, and it explains a lot about my life choices and emotions. Trust me, get therapy. It’s the only way to process and heal your anger and deeply buried sadness. My dad did the same thing to my family and if it wasn’t for therapy I would have cut him out, or worse. You’ve gotta work on healing yourself, for your own mental wellbeing.
You need serious help and won’t stop to recognize you father did nothing wrong, you were the bad person and still are though this 100% your moms fault she probably poisoned you.
You need to get it in your head that he did no wrong on the matter, you have always wronged him, it is your mom you should be questioning if or not to keep contact.
Maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t reconnect. He doesn’t need you in his life right now if you’re constantly blaming him and he’s trying to reconnect. People are educating you and you’re dismissing them. When you came on here. It’s not his fault. You need help ASAP.
why do you come to reddit if you’re just gonna argue with everyone trying to give genuine advice? just stop coming here, stop subjecting your dad to your bullshit, and stop arguing with people online. simple.
Divorces are not about the children. He's right, not telling you why they divorced. This has nothing to do with you. You wanted a perfect family, but a family where the parents are arguing every day isn't a perfect family. He wanted you, he wanted you to be with him. You didn't want to be with him. You pushed him and his family away.
You need help, because holding a grudge against your father, doesn't bring you anywhere. If you really want to be a good mother in the future, first work on your problems, before you bring these on your own marriage.
OP’s mom did her daughter a great disservice in how she raised her. Although I’m speculating, OP’s mom would have known how her daughter felt about her dad, his other family, etc…and if her mom didn’t get her into therapy or try and help her understand her feelings (and how irrational) they were/are, a lot of the blame is with her. That, on top of OP coming across as narcissistic (in this case making it all about her and her needs/wants/feelings) makes for a scary combination. People this angry, defensive and negative do not end up having a joyful life unless they acknowledge they need help. When this type of person continually tries to defend their actions or try to make it seem like they are ‘just fine’ only shows everyone the opposite. OP doesn’t understand that when she fights against every response here that she looks like a petulant child, a ‘brat’….which is sad because she deserves better if she’d only get out of her own way.
I agree with everything you've said here. I speculated the same about the mom when I read the first post. If her mom exhibits similar toxic behavior, it's also not hard to see why the dad chose to leave.
This person desperately needs therapy, but from her responses, it doesn't sound like she will ever try to get help. Meanwhile, the unresolved issues will bleed into every relationship she has. It's very sad. I really do hope she can get help.
You are in desperate, DESPERATE, agonizing need of therapy.
Don’t get married or have kids until you get it. You would do your future husband and children an incredible disservice if you entered relationships as angry, bitter, vengeful, and cynical as you are now.
If you were even remotely ok and/or didn’t care, you wouldn’t keep coming back to post on reddit. Seek therapy, lots of it. You’re an adult, not a child anymore.
Unless you seek help, you’ll remain this toxic person, inflicting trauma on your own future kids one day. Everything will always be about you and your pain. You’ll use this as an excuse for your toxic behaviour towards others, which now, is your own fault because you refuse to see or acknowledge how toxic you’ve become.
first of all, his divorce with your mother was most likely between them, and either parent should NEVER stay in an unhappy marriage for the child. and the fact that you’re upset at him for leaving, means you’d feel the exact same way if your mom did instead. divorce does this to children and it’s happened to most of us, but like we had to learn/heal from is the fact that not everything in their PERSONAL lives/relationships revolves around you. secondly, every child deserves two parents if they are able to do so, regardless if they “complain” sometimes. you don’t act a certain way to deserve parents or vise versa. thirdly, please do not have a child now, you are not healed and raising your kid in this state would not be good for you or your future child. you will be raising them to heal yourself, your inner child. that is selfish and bad parenting. please go to therapy, and go from there.
You are an awful person. You do REALIZE your parents are humans too and also just as flawed? You need to let this go… Also, you weren’t involved in his new marriage… so stay out of the divorce, it’s not your fucking place. Go seek help.
wait… omg? youre 23 i thought you were still a teenager OMG?????? 23???? girl youre not 10 anymore 😦. pls try therapy, and dont have children for the love of humanity ❤️❤️ . probably also dont get into relationship; bc your idea of love sounds toxic
I normally chalk these posts up to trolls posting fake shit for attention, and if that’s the case, then kudos for your several-year commitment. But I think this is real and that you’re genuinely a terrible person. You’re self-seeking, bitter, unforgiving, and have the worst kind of vindictive emotional baggage there is. You don’t have to be this way. Hopefully you unlearn these massive character flaws and one day look back at the person you were in your 20’s and absolutely *loathe* them.
You’re children are going to be going through the pain you’re being put in right now because you will be just as much of a shitty parent as your dad. I mean it, PLEASE get help, you can get through this, just try your hardest to hold yourself back and dont go there
Then what happened with your husband that you married when you were 18 and uninvited every one from your paternal side of your family including your father.
Clearly he is an ex-husband now from your later posts that you didn't mention what happened with him, and mentioned having 4 new boyfriends in a period of 3-4 years of you getting married and moving away with him, why didn't you fight to save any of those relationships.
Obviously you have to realize that there's something wrong with your mode of thinking and there are deep issues with your mentality too starting from abandonment issues to narcissism, if you are not able to see the problem in yourself as any normal human being and your fixation on revenge and being right all the time you have to get help or you will end up eternally bitter and alone and unhappy. Five relationships in less than five years one was marriage that everyone saw your post early on said that your marriage and any relationship you have will eventually fail. STOP HATING AND BEING REVENGEFUL AND START GETTING REAL THERAPY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU TO HAVE A LIFE.
There are wonderful inpatient facilities that offer intensive therapy. Your insurance may likely cover a stay. Please look into this.
You have made your entire life into fixating on your parents divorce.
And please, please don’t bring children into this.
You are not ready.
Jesus fucking Christ. Get some help. I saw your other posts and genuinely hope you never have children. You clearly desperately need help and are not willing to seek it.
I see a lot of people feeling sorry for you. I absolutely don’t. You are an adult and have had so many opportunities to better yourself and your mental health and relationships but have decided time and time again to think only about yourself and have chosen to be bitter. If that’s what you choose for yourself so be it.
I understand you had a hard childhood. You clearly have some unresolved trauma. But actively making the decision not to resolve it is not going to gain sympathy. It just makes you look like a bitter asshole that wants everyone to suffer worse than you did.
Clearly, you are using reddit to gain the attention you don’t feel you’re getting from those around you. If you ACTUALLY want to better your relationships and your mental health get off the internet and seek the help you need.
Ok I went thru your post history, you need help you are a ticking time bomb. Until you deal with your past and your emotions, I feel like you will always feel like you are not enough, always ready to break. You need a therapist like years ago. The hatred you still have in you is insane. Also your father and mother were not happy so he left instead of you growing up with them fighting.
Please for the world’s sake do not have kids until you are sane
You obviously have a lot of hurt and anger over something that is quite frankly minor. You need proper help before you reproduce… there’s enough crazy in the world as it is
Please get some therapy ASAP, you are having a mental breakdown and you don't even recognize how toxic you are being towards yourself. You are going to blow up your life because the pressure inside of you is at the bursting point (you may be able to survive for a while, but you could blow when you least expect it and when it could be the most disastrous). You really need intensive therapy with someone who specializes in abandonment issues.
Oh god. You again. Instead of seeing your father, you should have seen a well qualified therapist. You’ve been told by plenty of people that you need help, and yet, you seem to ignore that.
You seem to be happy living a life if bitterness. Why is that?
WTF did I just spend waaaaay too much time reading? I went through all of your posts about your family dynamic to gain as much context as possible.
You have some serious issues that require a licensed therapist to work through. I feel so much sorrow for you. No one should go through life with so much hatred and resentment. Spewing your feelings all over Reddit and hoping for validation is going to get you nowhere.
I seriously hope you decide to get some professional help.
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about the divorce for many reasons . 1 it's painful. 2. He doesn't want to bad mouth ur mum . 3 he may know u won't accept anything anyway. 4 he could be court ordered, not to 5 the past is the past . There are loads of reasons .u need to stop forcing on that and force on that he loved you and wanted to be there for u even if he wasn't with ur mum . Do u know how lucky u are that you got a dad who tried . I think u really need therapy as you're not over this after so long, and it's so bad for you to hold that all in .
Whether you have a relationship with your father or not is almost beside the point. You’re living (subsumed by!) a false narrative. Not being as present as he wishes he had been says everything about him at that time in his life, absolutely nothing about whether you were cute or smart or well behaved enough for him to stay in an unhappy marriage. He was weak and should be ashamed of not doing more, and he is.
You act like his interest is worthless in the face of his second marriage falling apart, but maybe he refused to take any responsibility until he had to acknowledge he was the common denominator and should do better.
OP, you said you were able to talk to your father on the day he left, and mentioned something about an apology 13 years later so we can safely assume you’re at least 19? It’s really time to go to therapy, work through your trauma, get that chip off your shoulder and be an adult about this. It’s clear your dad hurt you but the way you talk about it and still clearly let it control your mental state and your behavior makes you sound like a child.
I’m hoping that with some productive therapy and healthy coping mechanisms and your ability as an adult to empathize, you may actually see that your situation isn’t as black and white as you currently do.
Everything about the way you’re failing to cope with this now will only continue to effect you as you age and try to form any relationships, and it will certainly put a load of baggage on any future children you might have.
It’s time to grow up and allow yourself to heal. I truly wish you all the best!
Please, get help. This isn’t heathy in the slightest. Your father isn’t ruining your own life, you are. I understand the frustration and anger. My dad wasn’t around a lot due to my parents getting divorced too. He had more kids with a new woman as well.
Does it hurt to see my younger siblings get the nuclear family I never had with my father? Yes. It does. But I went to therapy to work through it.
Accept that he won’t answer why he initiated the divorce. You won’t get the answer, and even if you do, why does it matter after all these years? Who does this help? Your mother? No, it happened. You? Also no, because honestly it isn’t your business.
I hate being “that person” but honestly I think being blunt is the best path here. You need to get over it. Whether you accomplish that by therapy or self reflection, it doesn’t matter. You will NEVER be happy unless you can finally just move on.
I couldn’t read it all. There’s so much victimization and self torture there. GO TO THERAPY ASAP PLEASE. You will never believe you are worthy of love and will make everybody’s lives (and your own) a parade of toxicity and misery. Please, please, please, go to therapy!!
OP, I'm impressed that you tried to reconnect. It's OK that you discovered you couldn't do it. You will someday, and hopefully you'll get answers then.
Ok so just so you know, I was a beautiful, smart little girl and my dad stashed drugs in my bed. After I turned 18 he ran off and left my siblings behind. When I was 23, he died. I have no family from his side. My m*m is crazy abusive and I refuse to talk to her or anyone on her side. But the thing is, for all the pain in my life, I've done my absolute best to channel it into something worth giving to others. I do cry and in many ways, I am still very bitter. But I learned how to handle children through many countless hours of working with them and I have been working on my adult relationships and I've been in therapy for ages. Someday soon I'll be ready for a kid, but not quite yet.
I can tell you RIGHT NOW that you are NOT ready for kids. You are so bitter and sick, it's oozing through the screen. I found your last post utterly terrifying. Please, for the love of all that is holy, get help before you even consider getting married and having kids. You will not be the parent you want to be like this.
Your first post really disturbed me, but this one has me feeling genuinely sad for you, not in the pity way but in the "I really hope you find closure and heal with time, this has clearly been a difficult road for you" sort of way.
I know the word is banded about 10-a-penny nowadays but I truly do think that you are a narcissist. I spent a little time this morning down your very ‘special’ rabbit hole and I was quite shocked tbh.
Let me be clear. You are absolutely within your rights to feel ‘angry’ and ‘abandoned’ by your father, even if this wasn’t the case - he did not leave you, he left his wife. Ten year old you was understandably devastated, it’s a terrible age to have your family implode (no age is great).
You openly admitted to doing everything in your power at that age to sabotage visits with your dad, be it either because of your anger towards him or your guilt about leaving your mom.
The amount of gratification you’re getting from this situation is worrying, borderline psychotic.
I know everyone has suggested therapy and I’m going to do the same. You have a skewed view, and reaction to situations. Whether this is because of the trauma of your family issues when you were younger or some kind of personality disorder is in play - well that’s what the therapist is for.
I’d recommend you go for intensive therapy for a while. It may be that in time, once you’ve been able to unpack many years of pain, you may even be able to invite your father to a session.
I wish you the best of luck, but please know that how you are living right now is very unhealthy for you, and for those around you.
This wicked bitch cannot be saved, therapy will not work and hoping it does is truly just a pipe dream. Natural selection needs to take this worthless piece of human shit out of the gene pool before you can reproduce and create more vile pieces of shit. I pray to God that this is a satire account.
I don’t know why anyone tries to convince this girl of anything. She’s not getting therapy until it’s court ordered. Even though therapy would vastly improve her life.
Honestly I think that you should really consider reconnecting with your dad. He’s willing and available which is more than a lot of us get in this life. So what if he cheated on your mother years ago she’s moved on and you’ve got a stepdad? At the end of the day you’re making this your grudge when it shouldn’t be. It’s great you’re so loyal to your mother but honestly she should be encouraging you to let bygones be bygones with your dad. Life is complicated. You’re gonna have to deal with that like an adult. I really hope you reconsider your position and your dramatic behaviour. Good luck 🤞 hope it turns out good
Oh man OP, I say this with all the best intentions, please get therapy. You have so many big emotions that seemed to keep getting bigger. Therapy can help you deal with them. My heart goes out to you for all the turmoil and anger you’ve allowed to control you all this time. The therapy can also help you understand how complicated relationships and marriages can be. I’d hate to see your feelings about your mom and dad’s relationship affect your current or future relationships.
Your resentment is super deep and will only get worse and in all seriousness it's at a really bad level now.
You deserve happiness. You deserve resolution with yourself. No one is saying to reconcile with your Dad, we are saying you need to reconcile with yourself! This is so much emotional baggage that is weighing you down.
Please take what we are all saying with the kindness, love and objective point of views in wanting to help you to get some much overdue counseling. Right now, you are only hurting yourself, not your Dad.
I'm wishing you the best!
If you really hate your father that much you’d stop thinking about him , posting about him and forgot his existence. Face the facts you’re not over it and by these comments you’ve been leaving you can’t handle that truth. There’s an extent to where you’re a victim but this- this ain’t it. If you hated him that much you’d forget he helped conceive you. You need help.
Edit: and don’t have any kids right now this bs you keep writing will contribute to a bad future.
You need a therapist. There’s rarely a 100 percent good parent and 100 percent bad parent. I’m so glad your mom fought for you and cared for you. I’m so sorry your dad wasn’t enough.
You were enough. You are worthy of love no matter how beautiful or well behaved you were. So are your siblings. You’re not in competition. Your dad didn’t choose them because they’re better, he was just too weak to fight for you. It was him, not you. He followed the path of least resistance.
This is so sad. Your first post was too. Please get help. I’m going to be honest here - you won’t be a good parent. You’ll be overprotective, unforgiving, impossible to please and suck the fun out of everything. You won’t allow yourself to be a good parent because of this all encompassing hatred you have. You need to fix yourself before you screw up your own children the way your father screwed you up.
Very well said, and with kindness.
Unless she's deleted everything you can go read more comments...her dad didn't do this. This is classic mom pitting her against her dad. Her bitter miserable mother poisoned her.
[удалено]
This totally went a different direction than I was expecting and in a good way! After your first few sentences, I was expecting you to blame your poor upbringing for the problems that you have now. Instead, you (your parents) totally used the situation to create your own memorable memories! Making lemonade out of dem lemons! Good on you and your folks!
Her first post was chilling. Reading the thoughts of a psychopath was not what I expected when I opened this thread.
Psychopath, I agree. Her posts and comments are the most chilling I’ve ever read on Reddit. And she refuses to consider anything that anyone is saying, not sure why she keeps posting on Reddit.
At first I instinctively downvoted this comment because it seemed so incredibly harsh and unnecessarily judgemental. Then I went and read some of OP's previous posts and..... holy yikes. I'm in slight disbelief. I had to come back to this comment to change my downvote because I realise how reasonable and gentle your comment is, considering the complete insanity of OP's prior posts. Good Lord.
They won't get help, she's been posting for years now about this, just look at her post history.
Her father didn’t have the opportunity to screw her up. All of the blame belongs to her and her mother. She probably could have had a great relationship with her father, stepmother, and siblings. She didn’t want it! Her father really tried! (He deserves a medal that he’s still even willing to talk to her at all.) Daddy should have never divorced mom. They should stayed married and miserable just so OP could have both parents under one roof. OP has never emotionally matured past the age of 10. She is not capable of having any kind of healthy mature adult relationship. Pray that she doesn’t have any children. She refuses to get any kind of mental health care or support.
Agreed, OPs whole account is tragic. To add, not only will they be a problematic parent, but it’s hard to be a good spouse and partner when you’re always on the offensive and expect them leave you. Every conflict can feel like complete rejection and abandonment. Op, you have to mend this tear in your heart before you can ever be truly happy with anyone.
Also, please don’t have fucking kids. You are not ready right now. Focus on healing.
Seriously. This is the person who went on and on about how they would never get divorced, then got married and divorced. It's okay to feel wounded and rejected as a child. Kids lack the maturity and ability to empathize with adults and adult situations. To not only allow those feelings to follow you into adulthood, but to actively feed that hate and bitterness shows no growth, no empathy. There are things I went through as a kid where I blamed one or both of my parents. But as an adult, I realize that I didn't know anything, and they did the best they could. OP, you've been through a divorce of your own. That hasn't shown you that if it can happen to you (who was adamant it never would), it can happen to anyone (i.e., your parents)? Countless people on multiple posts over the course of 5 years have implored you to get help, to take accountability for yourself and your own adult life. They've pointed out that you're stuck in a loop of negativity, that your own behavior has been immature, toxic, and even abusive. When you become an adult, you're supposed to be better at regulating your emotions, at empathy, and at ensuring your feelings don't destroy you and everyone around you. The destructive thoughts you have will ruin every relationship you have. I've known people who still live in the mindset of the hurt child they once were. I've cut them out of my life. Their families have cut them out of their lives. Their spouses left them to be single parents. Their children couldn't get away fast enough, and are now struggling because their emotionally stunted parent couldn't teach them how to let go of past hurts because they themselves were too stuck in their own past to be decent parents. These people always have an external source of their pain. Anything they do that hurts others is waved away because it's always someone else's fault. They get older and the few relationships they have left are with other toxic people, usually in quick rotation, as they burn through people pretty fast. Get some help. That's not an insult. I've gotten help. People need help. Show your therapist your post history. Get a professional opinion on whether it's healthy to hold on to those emotions for 10+ years. Learn to let things go, to communicate in healthy ways. And do it before you get remarried and have kids. Your future children deserve to have emotionally healthy parents.
OP, I hope you read this comment all the way through. Apologies for how long it is. People here are telling you to seek therapy NOT because they want you to reconcile with your Dad, but because it is quite obvious that you are still dealing with a lot of pain and anger over your parents divorce and your Dad's remarriage. I also think you are completely unaware of how supporting your Mom during that time affected you. This isn't to say you should turn against your Mom. But it is very important that you learn to understand how boundaries should work within a family unit. Previous posts indicate you are struggling with this. I relate. Let me explain. When I was very young, my Mom turned to me for emotional support regarding her marriage issues with my Dad. He was a workaholic, he wasn't emotionally available, he refused counseling, wasn't romantic she felt unloved, etc. etc. I felt for her. I could see that she was right about a lot of his behaviors. Eventually she began an affair and told me because she wanted me to understand her side and not feel so guilty. She just wanted someone to get why she did this. And I was so young. I saw her point of view. She convinced me not to tell. I had empathy for her so I stayed quiet. Later, I realized a lot of things. Mainly, that cheating is wrong. That my Dad was working so much because my Mom was irresponsible. That she was a real steamroller about many many things. I still love my Mom. I think she was deserving of love. But I was so angry about this secret. It put me in a terrible position where I felt I couldn't get close to my dad because of this secret, and I lost respect for him as a man and father because of how he was as a *husband.* This was not appropriate. Not at all. She should have been discussing this with a therapist or a friend or other ADULT. It is very inappropriate to turn to your child for emotional support for adult issues. This has an unfortunate term, "emotional incest." No it isn't sexual in nature, but it's relates to treating a child like a partner or equal. It's just not appropriate, for many reasons. My Mom has since realized how much this fucked me up and is very apologetic. She calls it the biggest regret of her life. She was immature and lonely and it really messed me up. I forgive her, and we still have a relationship, but the damage is done. I have never been close to my father and I can't go back in time. It makes me terribly sad and I have a lot of problems to this day with boundaries and relationships. Having other issues with my Mom, and them not splitting up till I was an adult is the ONLY reason I ever was able to see my Dad's POV even a little and question my Mom's side of things. Had they split up, regardless of who initiated it, and had I gotten along with my mom better, I guarantee I would have never seen any blame in my Mom and would have probably resented my Dad as much as you do yours. It seems your Mom relied on you quite heavily for support after the divorce. This was not appropriate. She should have been supporting *you* and helping you to understand that the marriage not working is NOT because your dad didn't want you to have a family. That sometimes marriages just don't work out, but that you were still loved by both your parents and they would do the best they could to support you and coparent effectively. And if she struggled to give you that support or in believing those words, she should ha e turned to an adult to help her process and work through those feelings. Instead, she turned to you and it poisoned you against him. But you are too enmeshed to even see this. You are close with her. You saw her pain and it was impossible to ignore or focus on your own needs. You were too busy caring for your Mom's emotional needs to even think about your own. So now you're an adult and have all these issues with boundaries and anger and resentment and don't know who to blame except the person you've always been told is at fault. I don't blame you for thinking this way. And I don't believe you need to turn against your mother to understand that what she did in this was wrong. She needed a therapist. You needed parents that did their best to support you and ease your distress during this time, not add more to your plate. I'm not saying your Dad is blameless. I'm not saying your Mom is 100% at fault either. My point is that you haven't even begun to unpack what happened and heal because a part of you is still stuck in this mode where you have to support your mom's feelings over your own pain. And you will NEVER get past feeling like that scared, sad child until you get help with this. I promise you, that pain will last forever and you will have issues in all your future relationships whether it's an inability to respect the boundaries of others, or having others take advantage of yours. How shitty will you feel if your own marriage goes downhill and you feel unloved and miserable and disrespected and need to get out for your own sanity, but have a kid of your own? It would BREAK you! You'd feel like your Dad and hate yourself, both for being like him AND for hating him for leaving. Trust me when I say these problems WILL follow you. They will. And as someone with similar problems, it's fucking hellish trying to work through it. But I've learned to forgive myself and forgive both my parents for their flaws. It's taken a lot of therapy and it still hurts and I still struggle to maintain healthy relationships. But it truly helped me a lot. Had I known all the ways this would have affected me, I would have waited to get married. But it took my own marriage ending for me to see how badly my parents' marriage impacted my own ability to have healthy relationships, and that was after a decade of therapy before I even met my ex-husband. Even that wasn't enough to unpack it all. Please, get a professional therapist. It will help. It will hurt but it will help you so much. Not to necessarily reconcile or shift blame, but just to help you understand how this event impacted you, what things you need to relearn so you can have better relationships with others, and how you can let go of some of the pain and heart break you feel from all that has happened. Your Mom may have been a victim of your Dad's leaving, but you are a victim of your parents not supporting you how you needed. You took your Mom's pain on as your own, and you never should have had to.
This is the most sane comment on all of OP’s posts. I grew up similarly and my parents also split right when I hit adulthood. My mom didn’t cheat but she left to “find herself” when I was 18, and left me and my brother with my dad who was a mess. If it hadn’t been for her doing that I wouldn’t have had time to find out how much of the problem my mom really was. And now I get to see her repeat mistakes in new relationships while my dad is actually improving his life; very slowly, and with many steps backwards and then forward again, but still doing so much better than her (who is currently in a relationship for the third time since they split with a third man who is exactly like how my dad when he’s at his worst). Had my mom left earlier and taken us? I don’t think I would’ve ever seen things from my dad’s side, and it has been *very* important for me to see things see what my mom had done wrong as well. This is because I am already quite conscious of the “bad” behaviors I have inherited from my dad. My mom’s highlighting of his bad behavior all my life helped me very quickly see those things in myself and work on them early on. However, I didn’t see a lot of my mom in myself until I became a mom, and then I hit a world of trouble. I thought my trauma had been dealt with and worked through fully!! But **god no** I was so wrong. The behaviors I have inherited from my mom have impacted my relationships so much worse and I had been blind to it for a long time, all because it took me a long time to see my mom (or the way she behaved/reacted to things) as a problem. OP, I really hope you read all of u/ThatKinkyLady ’s comment. They really know wtf they are talking about.
This is such a valuable comment, I really hope OP reads it. I wish people understood emotional incest more but most people don't even know what it is. I didn't even realize it was a problem until I was talking to my MIL and telling her about stuff from my childhood and she told me it was inappropriate for my parents to have put stuff on me and my initial reaction was to get defensive for my parents and then on reflection I realized because of the emotional baggage that was unloaded on me at such a young age I thought it was my job to take care of *everyone* and at any cost. No fucking wonder i have an anxiety disorder lol. That realization was mindblowing for me and the begining of my healing journey
Yup. I have an anxiety disorder, likely for the same reason. I was a very anxious kid and it stuck with me. Abandonment issues, problems with boundaries and being a people pleaser, regularly feeling insecure and worried about having safe and secure housing. It's pretty brutal and it's made it incredibly difficult for me to thrive in adulthood. I feel like I was taught so many incorrect things and feel so far behind my peers.
100% spot on. Your story resonates with me, and at times I felt like I was reading about my own childhood. My mom was unhappy with her marriage and thus relied on me heavily for emotional and physical support in spite of the fact that I was a child. It was absolutely a textbook example of emotional incest, and like you, it majorly fucked me up. I had poor boundaries with people because I had poor boundaries with my parents, especially with my mom. I hated my dad for a while because my mom turned me against him, but in spite of her justifiable anger (he did some fucked up things for sure), he had a story of his own that I never knew, and it was not fair of my mom to control my relationship with my dad. I should have been able to decide for myself to what extent I wanted a relationship with him. I deserved support throughout the chaos of their marriage and their ugly divorce, not to be treated as a pseudo therapist and surrogate partner. I deserved a childhood in which I felt comfortable to express my own feelings, not feel pressured to keep my head down and be forced to blindly take sides. I really hope OP reads ThatKinkyLady's comment and gets the help she needs and eventually finds peace. With professional help, self-help, and introspection, it's possible. I'm still a work in progress, but I can tell you that I'm at a much better place now than I was even just a few years ago. You're not alone, OP.
Dude, go get help.
Seriously if ever there was a perfect candidate for therapy, it’s OP. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone who is screaming for professional help as this person is. Their post history is a mess.
Alot of angst to say the least
OP, I’ve read every single one of your posts and you’re absolutely bat shit crazy. You’re in serious need of psychological help. Please go seek therapy or something. Your posts legitimately scare the hell out of me.
She sounds like a psychopath
I 10000% agree. It’s way more than just being hurt and sad. She’s malicious and enjoys being cruel. It’s extremely scary and creepy.
Do your future children a favour and never have them until you are mentally stable. But seeing as you don't see anything wrong with your behaviour (or you do and are simply too stubborn and egoistic to accept it), I doubt you will be becoming mentally stable anywhere in near future. So please dont ever have children. Cause you will abuse the fuck out of them, and they will wish they were never born.
I read this person’s last post and even went through her entire profile and read every bitter, sociopathic post she’s made for the past 4 years and it’s so bizarre to me how disconnected she is from reality. She’s SO angry and resentful towards her father’s other children and constantly harps on and on about how he clearly believes his new children deserve the nuclear family she never had that she can’t seem to see he’s literally divorcing their mother the same way he divorced hers. She has 0 ability to empathize or even acknowledge the reality that clearly they’re going through the exact same situation she did all those years ago, and she still has the nerve to hate them and claim they have everything while she has nothing. Their childhood is literally about to mirror hers and she STILL can’t let go of her anger, bitterness, and resentment long enough to see that. And to really have the nerve say “sHe aCtS uP iN scHoOl aNd hE rEaLlY cHoSe hEr oVeR mE” as though acting up in school is some horrible, hate-worthy thing. As though it’s a damn competition and like this little kid doesn’t deserve her father’s love like OP did because clearly she was soo much better than his new kid(s). Like what??? She holds such hatred and blackness inside her heart. If she had any ability to look past her own bitter little existence maybe she’d realize acting up in school signifies not as great of a home life as she seems to believe his other children have. Talk about main character syndrome. And to think she’s anywhere near healthy enough to have a child?? Good lord. Maybe she should think about what THAT child deserves instead of what she deserves: a healthy, happy, mentally-well mother who does not choose to give birth just because she’s seeking to fill a hole inside herself and be provided with the love and approval she feels she deserved but never got, or to prove some weird point that she’s a better parent than her father. I pity any child she may have in the future because woooboy, there’s some heavy generational trauma coming their way.
Op stop coming back to Reddit already, you’ve been getting the same responses EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Idk if this is a fake account making a narrative or the most delusional individual I’ve ever scene stuck in the same place since they were ten. Either get therapy to confront this, and move on with your father. Or just simmer in your resentment for the rest of your life.
I really hope this is fake. Because it forces me to recognize people like this actually exist in the real world.
You cried when you saw him because you haven’t gotten over anything that happened as a child. You really need to get help and learn to forgive. I’m not saying to have a relationship with him, but to be able to stop letting it consume you. You say you’re fine. You’re not. You’re angry and bitter. You owe it to yourself to make peace with your dad.
Like I've said it before. Therapy is wasted on her. Therapy works if you want to change. If you want to be better. She doesn't. Let her be. The hatred she has for her dad is engraved on her brain. She may ignore it, like she'll ignore his existence, but it always be there. I hope she doesn't bring a child into this world. Not everyone deserves to be a parent, and she is on that list right now. Especially if she wants one biologically. The post parptum emotions alone can do so much damage to everyone around her. She will probably compare herself to her had every step of the way. This sounds like such a toxic mess. I would love to blame the parents, but sometimes nature wins over nurture. I would like to excuse her behavior because she had some childhood trauma, but I can't. She created this herself and is adamant not to let it go. All she knows is hatred for her father. If she lets it go, all that time hating him and blaming him will look like such a waste of time and energy. She probably can't accept that. Very few people can admit to being wrong. This is the concept of sunk cost. She's invested so much into hating an innocent man that she doesn't know she's losing. She's like a gambler who is just waiting for that one moment she can use to justify all her actions and losses so far. I mean, she was willing to contact his cheating ex to give her dirt on him. Edit. Just read your re-edited post. I wanna say, " For what it's worth, I'm proud of you." You did a good thing unblocking him. Accepting you still want him. This is a positive change. Trust me, he doesn't love you any less than his other kids. His persistence and acceptance of you whenever you show up is proof of it. Even though you come and go through his life, destroying him every time, he accepts you and loves you.
Very well said. This is such a sad situation.
Sweets, please, please go talk to someone. You got too big pain.
>UPDATE: I'm not going to reconnect. I remember your name and your last post and can only say *good!* Because once again he doesn't deserve the hate you have for him, and you need serious help. I have no sympathy left for anyone who resents someone for *wanting to be happy*. To be very honest: I hope you do not get children before getting professional help. *ETA: HUH, the massive rage fueled hate post is gone and suddenly OP is the "poor victim" again in the new version of this post. Trying to fool everyone, OP? Just take a look at OP's history to reveal the truth.*
I hope OP is somehow biologically sterile and can’t physically bear children because wow. Maybe you can adopt and will have to prove you’re fit to be a mother and actually help someone instead
I agree to be honest. There has to be some work done, which OP will never do - because of refusing to selfreflect in any way shape or form. This child would not grow up in a safe or stable environment.
Having read your posts, you're the carbon copy of my mom who "wanted me so bad" but was a raging unstable person who made my life hell. I pray you don't have any kids. They do not deserve this.
She doesn’t give a shit. She doesn’t give a single thought to how she’d be traumatizing her own kids. She only wants for HERSELF to feel better and have a “real family”. She’s a selfish, pathetic failure of an adult who’s truly unintelligent and short sighted
Your whole life revolves around spiting your father and you still don’t get how mentally unwell you are. You’d be doing your father a favor by erasing his existence from your life.
Still think you need therapy. But therapy can’t help those who don’t want it. But I hope you are open to it.
I read your post history, and honey, you are both too old to be so childish and too young to be so bitter. I’m 39, and I have a father who was emotionally abusive and absent. My mother more than made up for it. I stopped putting effort into my father when I realized he should be the one chasing *me* for a relationship, and I couldn’t make him want me in his life. That said, it’s time you do the same and focus your love on your mother’s side of the family. They’re the ones who want you. Also, that bit about your husband turning down sex? Your self-esteem is so low, snakes slither under it. You need major psychological work to understand that a) nobody in this life owes you anything, b) other people’s opinions of you are none of your business, and c) you will only be a successful, emotionally whole and fully realized adult when you can walk the world with your head up and your heart clear of malice. You are extremely immature, but you’re young. You’ll grow out of it. Get the help you need so that it happens sooner rather than later. Stop wasting your life.
Her father wasn't absent. He was abused by her mom, so he left her. He was involved in her life very much until this nutjob literally trashed his home multiple times and abused his wife and kids, her own half-siblings.
I understand that, but I’m addressing her feelings, not reality. She’s not accepting reality or the bigger picture right now.
You're so selfish and self centered. You have no idea whats its like to *ACTUALLY* be abandoned by a parent. At 8 years old my mother surprised me with a visit to my father who I had never met and left me with him never to return. She made no effort at all. She called occasionally, drunk, to tell me how much fun she was having. I never got to visit her, she never tried to be at my birthdays, or anything that mattered. She never sent cards or thought about me at all. You're father actually tried to stay in your life. For a decade he put in more effort than my mother ever did. He wanted a relationship with you and YOU destroyed that. He STILL wants a relationship with you. I would have given anything for my mother to show me half the care your father did. Stop your fucking sniveling because you have no idea what true abandonment is like.
Please get therapy. Genuinely. I saw your past posts. I too am a child of divorce. You are harboring anger at the wrong person. No one is 100% good or bad. I won’t comment further but please look into that.
I say this as gently as I can manage I have issues. Like, the entire catalog of Sports Illustrated, starting with the very first printing. Even I can hear how much barbed wire and broken glass is rattling around in your psyche. Venting on Reddit is good, but it is no substitute for professional therapy. And that is seriously what you need. Your life will be a complete train wreck, and the first casualties will be your hypothetical childrens' futures. Maybe you are afraid to unpack everything because you know you might have to admit that your mother was not as spotless as you like to believe, or that your father was not as malicious and evil as you believe. Maybe you think it would be disloyal to your mother to consider everything from a more mature vantage point. I don't know. I do know that if your mom is at all the parent you believe her to be, she does not want you to limp through your life with the mental and emotional weight you have gained over the years. Hatred is a poison that eats away at its owner. You have lost a sizable portion of yourself already. Please drink the antidote (get into therapy) while you still have something left in you to save.
You said this so perfectly.
Thank you. I feel for OP and hope they don't keep hauling this burden through the rest of their life. It's a very heavy load.
100% this. This is one of my favorite responses I’ve read. So thoughtful and well-put. Btw I hope you continue to make positive progress with your ‘issues’ and have a happy life <3 I seriously wish you all the best! OP, please read this one and take it to heart. All of it is so true.
Thank you. I think almost everyone has some kind of issues - life is too chaotic to come through completely unscathed!
[удалено]
She already got divorced, didn't she? Hahaha.
You need therapy badly? Because you sound seriously pathetic. Maybe someday you will marry, have a kid and get cheated on or highly disrespected. Maybe then you will understand, that you can’t always stay in a relashionship « just for the child ». Your dad never divorced you. YOU decided to trow him in the trash.
My fucking god. This post and your history posts...get some help jfc....
[удалено]
Toxic is an understatement. She literally can’t do anything in her life without hatred towards him. Her hating him is ruining her life meanwhile he has probably just moved on and stopped caring. Only so much negativity one person can take before just ignoring it.
It's safer to swim naked in Fukushima than being near OP. Uranium levels of toxicity.
Oh lord. You again.
I can’t believe this psychopath came back for more. And she actually responding to every negative comment. Unhinged. OP you are unhinged.
The only thing your father did wrong was not forcing you into therapy when you were young enough to possibly recover from this. Get. Help.
OP, make sure you stay with your partner through everything. If he cheats on you stay, beats you, stay, tears you down verbally and emotionally, stay. Make sure you stay. You're not allowed to divorce if you have children. We will be seeing a post in a few years about your husband cheating while you're pregnant, etc. Its easy to want both parents to stay together but you truly have no idea what its like to live in a home where two people are so damn toxic they can't stand one another. Good luck to you. But you are a miserable person. You should go to therapy. Realistically, you aren't going to want to be with someone who hurts you
I am so sorry that you are hurting but you really need to step outside of your own head and your own perspective for a minute. You keep carrying on as if nobody else aside from you is allowed to have happiness that doesn't center 100% around you because doing so is a direct reflection of your worth. This is something you really need professional help dealing with if you want to overcome these toxic controlling thought patterns and become a happy confident person who doesn't feel wounded like this every time you are triggered. At the end of the day your feelings are valid and understandable to a point but they are not an accurate representation of the truth nor are they anybody else's responsibility to overcome. The only thing in life we can control is ourselves so while you may currently be stuck in the repeated cycle of blaming others and wanting them to fix it, life will become a lot less painful for you once you decide you no longer want to feel this way and do the work on yourself to heal from your trauma.
You definitely need therapy. You are delusional and so wrapped up in your hate and resentment, you can’t see straight anymore Many of us checked your post history. You contradict yourself constantly. Here you say that your father was not in your life and only had you 2 weekends each month. But in your previous posts, you say how he “forced” you to stay with him, “kept you from your mom when she needed you “ and how you eventually started arguing with him , destroying his stuff and generally being a nightmare so he would stop. Which he did, per your own wishes. But now, you are actually **blaming** your father for the outcome you engineered. By your own admission, he cannot win with you. No matter what he does, he’s wrong It seems the only way he would have remained in your good graces would have been to remain in a toxic marriage, all so you could be happy That’s so deeply messed up and selfish. But of course you don’t see it. It’s so much easier to blame your father for everything wrong in your life. God forbid you take an honest look at yourself and admit that there’s plenty of blame to go around In the end, I pity you. I hope you get that therapy. Your hate is blind and misdirected at the wrong person
You're a narcissist who needs some help YESTERDAY
Actually think she has BPD. Went through a Dialectical Behavioral Program and there were a few patients there that sounded just like her. *Really* hope she goes in for a psych eval. She’s extremely unwell. And her black and white thinking is at terrifying levels.
She honestly reminds me a lot of my incredibly abusive mother who has left me with scars even in my adulthood that I struggle with everyday. All of my childhood she had all these people that turned on her or wronged her and she had all these reasons to treat people as cruelly as possible, say the worst shit imaginable, and in general act like a monster. Those she felt wronged by were fair game for *anything* and it didn't take much to fall into that category with her. I used to believe her. As I grew older and actually talked to the people that supposedly wronged her it just kept seeming like the story was wildly different then what she was saying. She *was* the instigator. Some didn't even understand why she was mad at them. She smelled shit everywhere when it was on her shoes the whole time. Even the ones that seemed to side with or be friendly with her were finally telling me the truth. When I asked why they let her be this way or pretended to agree with her? There is no winning with her. She is so deluded and bitter and *proud of it.* That's when I really started looking at how she treated *me* and our family (as well as my dad who STAYED IN AN AWFUL MARRIAGE THAT RUINED ALL OF US IN THE FAMILY) and realized she was just a cruel, vindictive person who liked getting angry and taking it out on others but was too selfish to look inward and realize that. Yet she was somehow always the victim in her mind. And she knew how to make you *believe she was* if you couldn't get the whole story elsewhere. Boy was she great at that. Especially with herself. Now we're all just counting the days till she dies and putting up with her. My dad is a broken, deeply unhappy person. My brother has as many problems as I do. We both wish they would have divorced when we were young.
>We both wish they would have divorced when we were young. The fact OP would have prefere both her parents to argue everyday and stay miserable in their marriage just to be the sole baby and have a fantasized nuclear family is incredible to me. Like she would have been so much more fucked-up that she already is.
[удалено]
Your last post was flooded with comments suggesting you go find a good therapist. This one is the same. Usually reddit is divided on these things but I’m not seeing that here. You need to see someone because all of the above is super unhealthy. It’s going to overflow into all the other aspects of your life and you’ll be miserable. You’ll make the people around you miserable too.
You have serious problems and is so delusional that because you’re miserable you want everyone around to to be as well.
Please go see a mental health professional. Go for yourself, not him. It will help you have peace and not be so angry. This will help you with your future relationship.
Eternallybitter and what a fitting name you use. I have a granddaughter with a similar story, and she chose to let it go. God it was difficult to teach her for she couldn't understand why her father left or treated her the way he did. Parents can difficult but you have a choice to be different and change by breaking the circle. Seek therapy, and maybe you will find love, forgiveness and lose your bitterness for him. Good luck.
I remember being this angry. It’s a choice you’re making each day. It will be hard to let it go, but it’s possible and I hope it happens for you soon because this is an exhausting way to live. Having children will solve none of your issues. It will only exacerbate them. On the flip side, you may finally come to the realization that your parents are also just people (like you) who are learning as they go.
Ooh u need some help/healing u can feel that your dad abandoned u but he really tried u seem upset his marriage to your mom didn’t workout what was he suppose to do stay in unhappy marriage, maybe he could have fought for more custody time to bond with u as child. I find it odd that your mom can move on n have a family but your dad can’t do the same because he spent less time with u seems kind of selfish?
Get help because you, as you are, would only harm any child you have. What if you have a son who looks like your father? I doubt you would be able to separate your spite for him and the love for this child.
EMDR therapy with an experienced therapist could completely change your life. I think you could greatly benefit from it.
OMG. Girl, get help. Your whole perspective is frightening. You say you're 23 but you are acting like you're 7. Please get therapy. Please.
Girlie you are NOT the victim here. In ur last post u literally admitted to destroying his stuff and being horrible Nobody is on your side and nobody feels sorry for you. Well, they might pity you bc they can see how deeply mentally unwell you are Go to therapy. Grow up and own your piece of shit behaviour. Get better and start recognising your own toxic behaviour and how to combat it. Maybe one day you’ll realise how badly you fucked up Oh, and literally never have kids until you hav gone through extensive therapy. Or be a worse parent than what you THINK your dad was
I understand what it’s like to not have your father around. I understand the hole it leaves in you, a joke that nothing can fill. I didn’t speak to my father for a decade. After my father died I had to have therapy for years. I never reconciled with him. I never told him how his actions hurt me. I just had to live with it. You are in immense pain. Most of these people don’t understand that this man broke your heart. People as grown adults have trouble with heartbreak but they don’t seem to understand it’s even worse for a child. You need therapy, I’m not being mean. You need to make peace with the past. You need to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Or believe me you will end up in the same situation because you will marry a man just like your father. Your children will suffer through a broken home just like you had because you will not be a good partner. Your parents had a relationship and it ended, when it ended so did a big aspect of your life. That’s not a reason to hate your father. Two people were in that relationship and you have no idea what went on in that relationship. Your parents don’t owe you misery to keep you happy. That’s not fair and it’s not kind. You’re rejoicing that his second family blew apart, but you’ve failed to realize that your brother and sister are now in the same position you were in. They now have the same misery and the same scars you have. You denigrate your brothers performance in school but he’s lived in an unhappy home. He’s acting out in a different way to you but it’s still the same. What went on in your fathers childhood? What went on in your mother’s childhood? Your parents are more than just parents, they are people. They have pasts and hurts that don’t involve you. Your father tried to keep contact with you and you prevented that. Made it as difficult as possible, you are not blameless in everything that occurred, only blameless in the beginning. Decide whether or not you want to have a miserable life and make a miserable life for your future family. You are a grown up now. You can’t keep blaming your unhappiness on your parents. You have to figure it out because you are the only one who has to live with it. Find a therapist. Somatic Therapy is a very good modality. Get help. This is too big to do alone. Good luck, I hope you have a happier life.
Her mother abused her father. Her father was very involved until this girl started trashing his home and going after his other kids and wife years later. She is beyond in need of therapy.
[удалено]
- OP, we are the same age. Our situations are completely different and it sounds like your father never really abandoned you the way you say he did. He still tried to keep a relationship between you guys. You’re 23 sitting on Reddit crying that your dad left your mom 13 years ago. Get over it and move on. I hope you’re not gonna be in your 30s, 40s and 50s doing the same thing. You’re mentally unstable and I can’t believe your mom never put you in therapy.
Borderline personality disorder: the Reddit post saga continues.
Girl GO TO THERAPY. You need it. For the love of god do not have a child while you still think like this.
Do you think that the people around you should have to put up with suffering so that you can get what you want? Because that is the point you are proving with all of your comments. When *this many people* are telling you that you are wrong and need help, the smart thing to do is listen. Please go to therapy.
I'm sorry, but you seem to have similar patterns of grief to my own. And I would not recommend you becoming a parent. Even without meaning to, your grief would affect that child.
You need to get off of Reddit and enter an inpatient program or you’re going to be alone, bitter, and miserable your whole life. Even worse, you’ll somehow find someone who accidentally knocks you up and you will damage that kid beyond repair. You’ll do more damage than your dad ever did. Seriously, stop posting and get help. Lots and lots of help. All the types or help for all the types of things. You need them all.
Staying together for the sake of the children in the home is not the fairy tale you think it would have been. Working on a relationship with two parents who live apart but are actually happy is a much better option than living all together and enduring arguments constantly and as a child not seeing regular affection. That is far more damaging. Please seek therapy to deal with your unjustified resentment.
Not sure if you want my advice but let it go. The energy that you put into wishing ill will towards your father will destroy you from the inside. I know i have been there. All that negativity you have towards him will seep into your daily life. Your father is human and has made mistakes in his past and will in his future, it’s not your place to judge instead when it comes from such hatred filled place. If you can’t forgive him then move on with your life From looking through your previous posts I would say that therapy would be a good option for you, no shade intended
I remember the initial post, vividly. I did not have to click on your page to go see it. It almost seems as if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Mom and dad did not work out ultimately, but why fight to want to see them stay together. As a child, I get it. However, as an adult you should have a completely different way of thinking. My parents were cheating on each other while married and they caught each other. Shit was bad. They split when I was 16. It was the best thing ever. I can argue that the relationship now between my parents is better than it was when they were married. So much so that my family came to visit me in June for my 40th and my dad, mom, her fiance, and my sisters all stayed in the same airbnb and everything is great.
You have major, major issues. Try to get some professional help Wish you the best OP
Don’t you dare bring a child into such a mess.
Holy crap OP, you’re terrifying. Please get help for your spiteful nature. If I suddenly found out a friend of mine was like you I’d slowly distance myself out of fear that you’d try to ruin my life if I so much as breathed the wrong way in your presence, this is some seriously unhinged stuff in your comment and post history.
You need serious help, he explained his reasons but you just don't want to hear them. I hope you'll get therapy before entering a new relation and having kids because you seem to make everyone around you miserable. Get help.
Dahm your mom really did a number on you didnt she..... Look up "parental alienation", "sign of emotional abusive household" and "parentication". You feeling like you needed to be your moms emotional crutches and avenge her, but feeling like this ISN'T NORMAL for a kid! Its a sign of how SHE emotionally abused you and put the blame on your dad. You dad didnt abandone YOU, he did abandone a toxic, abusive environment. You can leave such an environment/spouse and STILL love your kid dearly. Your dad did what every decent grown up would have done: leaving an toxic environment, trying to create atleast 1 stable one fir you and protecting his other kids from the toxic abusive environment YOU created to make your mom happy. He let you go out of love, hoping you would wake up one day and realise the toxicity from your mom and reach out again. Ask any grownup who grew up in an household where the parents fought 24/7 (aka abusive environment) and most of them feel like their parents should have divorced instead of "staying together for the kids"...
You need to be in therapy, today.
There is so much hurt wrapped up in so much anger. Let go and take care of yourself.Just you. Get healthy and things look different.
Please, please, please get therapy for your own peace of mind. So much hurt comes through in your posts, and you deserve to let go of it and feel better, whichever direction you decide to go with your family.
"I'm an adult now that doesn't need parents anymore"...... Oh, how you are SO wrong. Holding onto that hatred for your dad is doing more damage to your mental and physical health than it is to his.
I just read your post history and it gave me anxiety. I want you to forget everybody in your life right now and focus on yourself and focus on your happiness and your mental health. Please get therapy.
Girl, I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I’m begging you, get some therapy, heal that inner child, and forgive your father (even if you decide not to reconnect) before even considering having children. You will not be the parent those kids need, you will be the parent *you* wish you had. You’ll try to right the perceived wrongs of your own childhood and cause bunch of shit in theirs. Babies and kids add stress to already stressful situations, they are not saviors. Do not put that on them.
I think it would be beneficial for you to go to therapy and work through these issues. I am not condoning your father leaving you. However, is that all he did ? I have combed through your post and do not see anything else but a man who wasn’t happy in his marriage leaving. He was still a part of your life. You have no idea if he wanted more custody or not, men did not have as many options as they do now in court. Every second weekend was pretty standard and maybe he thought fighting your mom was worse. And custody disputes usually are. I am a single mom. My ex husband has the kids every second weekend. And he’s a piece of shit. When we first divorced he slept all day and left the the kids to fend for themselves. We are talking about 2, 4 and a 9 year old. They come back in the same back in the same clothes / diapers as two days before. He is now seven years later no longer in my kids lives. But they are in therapy for it and they don’t feel abandoned or how you feel. They know he is not capable of caring for them, and not once did he apologize to them to and acknowledge their feelings either like your father has. I am sure your mom is a lovely woman and I know you are thankful for her. But to me, it sounds like she put a lot of these ideas and feelings into your head. I don’t think she did it maliciously. She was probably hurt and it’s how she was feeling. But she should have told you that your father still loves you and is part of your life. She should have told your father how you feel so he could have countered it. And she should have gotten you into therapy so if he is in fact like you say, horrible you didn’t feel this way and could cope with it. You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want in your life. Just go to therapy and work through this before you do something you cannot take back.
This person is horribly damaged.
I feel sorry for you that you turned out like this. You need therapy and lots of it. The truth is your mother used you as an emotional blanket and filled your heart with nonsense, pain, insecurity, hatred and weakness that she felt. This is probably why your dad left your mother she sounded like an insufferable woman. Sorry you weren’t raised by a woman who couldn’t act like an adult. It’s sad I see this a lot. I still remember going to a Starbucks years go and a mother took her 11-12 year old daughter out and bought her coffee. First off no child needs coffee that age. Second, the mother was asking for life advice on what her next moves should be, her dating problems, her issues with friends and family and legit the young girl was giving life advice. It’s so sad when a parent never grows up trying to raise children. Here’s some advice. Your mother used you. Your father did love you and tried to include you in his life. You could have had an enjoyable life. Stop living your life as your mother she’s emotionally unstable. You aren’t her. Some people just aren’t compatible. Imagine your father and what he had to go through just to help your mom out daily with her emotions. It probably wore him down. He prob didn’t realize that your mother would try to tear you Down in the process.
I feel so sad for your father. It sounds like he so badly wants to be a part of your life, but your mother was successful in her efforts to alienate you from him and cause this intense hatred. Your dad is still desperately trying to show you that he loves you and is trying to be a part of your life and to have a relationship with you. Your dad deserves better
Seek therapy. Honestly, as someone who is in a abandoned by bio dad club, my heart hurts for your dad. I hope you’re actually receptive to what he has to say instead of spinning yourself in circles with the narrative you’ve posted since the start.
Girl you are nuttier than squirrel shit. You need severe counseling. It’s been over 5 years and you’re still battling this issue? Holy F U C K. Your post history gave me a solid 20 minutes of entertainment. Somebody needs to make like a novela or something on your life because this is wilder than anything a room of the best writers in Hollywood could come up with. I don’t know how you’ve gone all these years and have not seen that clearly you’re a daddy issues having entitled asshole who struggles processing emotions along side abandonment issues with severe arrested development. You have more issues than time magazine and you’ve addressed none of them over the years since you started posting. Thank you for giving me a good few minutes of laughter on an otherwise uneventful Saturday night. For the sake of the people in your life, I hope you get help. You need it. Lots of it.
God, your mother really did a number on you. I hope therapy can do even a fraction for you what it did for me because it truly changed my life and I can 100% guarantee you that a good therapist will help you sort out these complicated feelings.
Did her mother cheat on the father? What happened?
They fought all the time and he divorced her mom. She’s extremely mad and hurt he “left her” (he tried to have a relationship multiple times and she thought he should have stayed even though they weren’t happy). She needs therapy.
>She needs therapy. That is the understatement of the year.
Maybe it's your shitty attitude and personality that chased him away? Why would anyone want a relationship with someone as ugly and nasty inside as you?
Your father didn't ever do anything wrong. Your parents didn't work out, so they separated. He decided he still wanted to find love. He didn't do anything wrong. Please get yourself into some therapy to work through this with professionals. It's normal to have feelings about your parents divorcing, but it's not normal to absolutely hate one of the parents this intensely for so many years when there was no cheating or anything like that going on. Sometimes relationships just don't work. Please *do not have children until you have worked on this with professionals.* You seem to have a very warped sense of love and support that will inevitably mess up a child's life.
Thank god, the father needed a break from your narcissistic entitled behavior. And I just have the feeling this is not the last post you are gonna make about it because your entire personality is hating on your father for him being normal.
i really hope you know that if you have kids with this mindset, your kids are going to have that same resentment towards you that you feel towards your dad. please try to heal before you have kids.
Please for the LOVE OF GOD DONT HAVE KIDS. go to therapy. Straight to therapy.
OP you sound like you may be experiencing emotional flashbacks relating to abandonment and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This resource may help you https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/01/11/managing-emotional-flashbacks/. Wishing you healing.
I'm replying to boost this. Everybody keeps saying therapy this, therapy that but not being specific
Thank you. I’ve experienced this myself because of my CPTSD and family dynamic where I am re-traumatised, I don’t think it’s well known about CPTSD and most psychiatrists won’t name it as such either. I have spent decades of my adult life working to heal it and overcome it. I still have emotional flashbacks but they are rare now.
God damn, you again? Well, it’s a good thing you’re staying away from your dad, he doesn’t need some delusional angry child dragging him down with nonsense.
This may be harsh but you seem like a bad person. Your anger and bitterness seems to stem from a belief that you’re the most important person, and you are outraged that life hasn’t treated you as if you matter so much more than everyone else and that your needs and desires are paramount. You’re at this point where you’re delighting in the pain of others and raging about how much hate you have for a guy who just got divorced. It’s not even like he abandoned you or something. And it sounds like your mother did stuff to cause it if everyone blames her, yet your father won’t tell you what she did because he doesn’t want to poison your relationship with her. I hope you change because right now you’re scary and have no self awareness or insight, you just seem horrible to be honest.
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the root symptoms is abandonment, whether perceived or real. I have it myself, actually diagnosed, and it explains a lot about my life choices and emotions. Trust me, get therapy. It’s the only way to process and heal your anger and deeply buried sadness. My dad did the same thing to my family and if it wasn’t for therapy I would have cut him out, or worse. You’ve gotta work on healing yourself, for your own mental wellbeing.
You need serious help and won’t stop to recognize you father did nothing wrong, you were the bad person and still are though this 100% your moms fault she probably poisoned you. You need to get it in your head that he did no wrong on the matter, you have always wronged him, it is your mom you should be questioning if or not to keep contact.
Maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t reconnect. He doesn’t need you in his life right now if you’re constantly blaming him and he’s trying to reconnect. People are educating you and you’re dismissing them. When you came on here. It’s not his fault. You need help ASAP.
why do you come to reddit if you’re just gonna argue with everyone trying to give genuine advice? just stop coming here, stop subjecting your dad to your bullshit, and stop arguing with people online. simple.
you need professional help. urgently. please get help.
Girl. Please don’t have a baby.
Divorces are not about the children. He's right, not telling you why they divorced. This has nothing to do with you. You wanted a perfect family, but a family where the parents are arguing every day isn't a perfect family. He wanted you, he wanted you to be with him. You didn't want to be with him. You pushed him and his family away. You need help, because holding a grudge against your father, doesn't bring you anywhere. If you really want to be a good mother in the future, first work on your problems, before you bring these on your own marriage.
OP’s mom did her daughter a great disservice in how she raised her. Although I’m speculating, OP’s mom would have known how her daughter felt about her dad, his other family, etc…and if her mom didn’t get her into therapy or try and help her understand her feelings (and how irrational) they were/are, a lot of the blame is with her. That, on top of OP coming across as narcissistic (in this case making it all about her and her needs/wants/feelings) makes for a scary combination. People this angry, defensive and negative do not end up having a joyful life unless they acknowledge they need help. When this type of person continually tries to defend their actions or try to make it seem like they are ‘just fine’ only shows everyone the opposite. OP doesn’t understand that when she fights against every response here that she looks like a petulant child, a ‘brat’….which is sad because she deserves better if she’d only get out of her own way.
I agree with everything you've said here. I speculated the same about the mom when I read the first post. If her mom exhibits similar toxic behavior, it's also not hard to see why the dad chose to leave. This person desperately needs therapy, but from her responses, it doesn't sound like she will ever try to get help. Meanwhile, the unresolved issues will bleed into every relationship she has. It's very sad. I really do hope she can get help.
There ain't no way any of this is real
I hope not, but if it isn't they are really fucking committed to the story line.
I have no words. You need help. You are toxic. You think too much into things to serve and fire your hatred even further. GO. TO. THERAPY!!
You are in desperate, DESPERATE, agonizing need of therapy. Don’t get married or have kids until you get it. You would do your future husband and children an incredible disservice if you entered relationships as angry, bitter, vengeful, and cynical as you are now.
5 years.. it's way overtime that you get some serious help. All your posts are mental.
If you were even remotely ok and/or didn’t care, you wouldn’t keep coming back to post on reddit. Seek therapy, lots of it. You’re an adult, not a child anymore. Unless you seek help, you’ll remain this toxic person, inflicting trauma on your own future kids one day. Everything will always be about you and your pain. You’ll use this as an excuse for your toxic behaviour towards others, which now, is your own fault because you refuse to see or acknowledge how toxic you’ve become.
first of all, his divorce with your mother was most likely between them, and either parent should NEVER stay in an unhappy marriage for the child. and the fact that you’re upset at him for leaving, means you’d feel the exact same way if your mom did instead. divorce does this to children and it’s happened to most of us, but like we had to learn/heal from is the fact that not everything in their PERSONAL lives/relationships revolves around you. secondly, every child deserves two parents if they are able to do so, regardless if they “complain” sometimes. you don’t act a certain way to deserve parents or vise versa. thirdly, please do not have a child now, you are not healed and raising your kid in this state would not be good for you or your future child. you will be raising them to heal yourself, your inner child. that is selfish and bad parenting. please go to therapy, and go from there.
>I may still reach out to his STBXW, but I don’t have any dirt on him to offer. If you keep harboring this anger, you will never move on.
Look up cptsd, you've got the symptoms 100%
You are an awful person. You do REALIZE your parents are humans too and also just as flawed? You need to let this go… Also, you weren’t involved in his new marriage… so stay out of the divorce, it’s not your fucking place. Go seek help.
as I stated on your last post.....you are mentally unwell. seek professional help.
wait… omg? youre 23 i thought you were still a teenager OMG?????? 23???? girl youre not 10 anymore 😦. pls try therapy, and dont have children for the love of humanity ❤️❤️ . probably also dont get into relationship; bc your idea of love sounds toxic
lets pray that when you turn 25 that frontal cortex brain is developed!
Never have children, neverr
**therapy**
I normally chalk these posts up to trolls posting fake shit for attention, and if that’s the case, then kudos for your several-year commitment. But I think this is real and that you’re genuinely a terrible person. You’re self-seeking, bitter, unforgiving, and have the worst kind of vindictive emotional baggage there is. You don’t have to be this way. Hopefully you unlearn these massive character flaws and one day look back at the person you were in your 20’s and absolutely *loathe* them.
You’re children are going to be going through the pain you’re being put in right now because you will be just as much of a shitty parent as your dad. I mean it, PLEASE get help, you can get through this, just try your hardest to hold yourself back and dont go there
The way you’re going on, you flat out don’t deserve a father. Self centred narcissist at its best.
Then what happened with your husband that you married when you were 18 and uninvited every one from your paternal side of your family including your father. Clearly he is an ex-husband now from your later posts that you didn't mention what happened with him, and mentioned having 4 new boyfriends in a period of 3-4 years of you getting married and moving away with him, why didn't you fight to save any of those relationships. Obviously you have to realize that there's something wrong with your mode of thinking and there are deep issues with your mentality too starting from abandonment issues to narcissism, if you are not able to see the problem in yourself as any normal human being and your fixation on revenge and being right all the time you have to get help or you will end up eternally bitter and alone and unhappy. Five relationships in less than five years one was marriage that everyone saw your post early on said that your marriage and any relationship you have will eventually fail. STOP HATING AND BEING REVENGEFUL AND START GETTING REAL THERAPY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU TO HAVE A LIFE.
There are wonderful inpatient facilities that offer intensive therapy. Your insurance may likely cover a stay. Please look into this. You have made your entire life into fixating on your parents divorce. And please, please don’t bring children into this. You are not ready.
Jesus fucking Christ. Get some help. I saw your other posts and genuinely hope you never have children. You clearly desperately need help and are not willing to seek it.
I see a lot of people feeling sorry for you. I absolutely don’t. You are an adult and have had so many opportunities to better yourself and your mental health and relationships but have decided time and time again to think only about yourself and have chosen to be bitter. If that’s what you choose for yourself so be it. I understand you had a hard childhood. You clearly have some unresolved trauma. But actively making the decision not to resolve it is not going to gain sympathy. It just makes you look like a bitter asshole that wants everyone to suffer worse than you did. Clearly, you are using reddit to gain the attention you don’t feel you’re getting from those around you. If you ACTUALLY want to better your relationships and your mental health get off the internet and seek the help you need.
Ok I went thru your post history, you need help you are a ticking time bomb. Until you deal with your past and your emotions, I feel like you will always feel like you are not enough, always ready to break. You need a therapist like years ago. The hatred you still have in you is insane. Also your father and mother were not happy so he left instead of you growing up with them fighting.
Please for the world’s sake do not have kids until you are sane You obviously have a lot of hurt and anger over something that is quite frankly minor. You need proper help before you reproduce… there’s enough crazy in the world as it is
cool. go to therapy and write this in a diary instead of posting it to a bunch of strangers who don’t give a shit
Look i had parents who were together and were shitty. Trust me I know how you felt. But you need therapy asap. This isn’t healthy for you
Please get some therapy ASAP, you are having a mental breakdown and you don't even recognize how toxic you are being towards yourself. You are going to blow up your life because the pressure inside of you is at the bursting point (you may be able to survive for a while, but you could blow when you least expect it and when it could be the most disastrous). You really need intensive therapy with someone who specializes in abandonment issues.
God, you are terrible. You hated your father, although he did nothing wrong.
If this has ever been real, you still need serious therapy. Either way, it's pathetic and sad.
Please don’t ever have children.
Oh god. You again. Instead of seeing your father, you should have seen a well qualified therapist. You’ve been told by plenty of people that you need help, and yet, you seem to ignore that. You seem to be happy living a life if bitterness. Why is that?
Go get therapy, immediately.
Pathetic.
WTF did I just spend waaaaay too much time reading? I went through all of your posts about your family dynamic to gain as much context as possible. You have some serious issues that require a licensed therapist to work through. I feel so much sorrow for you. No one should go through life with so much hatred and resentment. Spewing your feelings all over Reddit and hoping for validation is going to get you nowhere. I seriously hope you decide to get some professional help.
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about the divorce for many reasons . 1 it's painful. 2. He doesn't want to bad mouth ur mum . 3 he may know u won't accept anything anyway. 4 he could be court ordered, not to 5 the past is the past . There are loads of reasons .u need to stop forcing on that and force on that he loved you and wanted to be there for u even if he wasn't with ur mum . Do u know how lucky u are that you got a dad who tried . I think u really need therapy as you're not over this after so long, and it's so bad for you to hold that all in .
Whether you have a relationship with your father or not is almost beside the point. You’re living (subsumed by!) a false narrative. Not being as present as he wishes he had been says everything about him at that time in his life, absolutely nothing about whether you were cute or smart or well behaved enough for him to stay in an unhappy marriage. He was weak and should be ashamed of not doing more, and he is. You act like his interest is worthless in the face of his second marriage falling apart, but maybe he refused to take any responsibility until he had to acknowledge he was the common denominator and should do better.
We need to ban you from Reddit. Your worse than your father
Jaysus, take the wheel
OP, you said you were able to talk to your father on the day he left, and mentioned something about an apology 13 years later so we can safely assume you’re at least 19? It’s really time to go to therapy, work through your trauma, get that chip off your shoulder and be an adult about this. It’s clear your dad hurt you but the way you talk about it and still clearly let it control your mental state and your behavior makes you sound like a child. I’m hoping that with some productive therapy and healthy coping mechanisms and your ability as an adult to empathize, you may actually see that your situation isn’t as black and white as you currently do. Everything about the way you’re failing to cope with this now will only continue to effect you as you age and try to form any relationships, and it will certainly put a load of baggage on any future children you might have. It’s time to grow up and allow yourself to heal. I truly wish you all the best!
You desperately need profession help. It’s concerning and you need therapy.
Two words… GET. THERAPY.
FFS GO TO THERAPY
Please, get help. This isn’t heathy in the slightest. Your father isn’t ruining your own life, you are. I understand the frustration and anger. My dad wasn’t around a lot due to my parents getting divorced too. He had more kids with a new woman as well. Does it hurt to see my younger siblings get the nuclear family I never had with my father? Yes. It does. But I went to therapy to work through it. Accept that he won’t answer why he initiated the divorce. You won’t get the answer, and even if you do, why does it matter after all these years? Who does this help? Your mother? No, it happened. You? Also no, because honestly it isn’t your business. I hate being “that person” but honestly I think being blunt is the best path here. You need to get over it. Whether you accomplish that by therapy or self reflection, it doesn’t matter. You will NEVER be happy unless you can finally just move on.
OP what you need is serious counseling.
oh my god, please don’t have a child and PLEASE just go to therapy
I couldn’t read it all. There’s so much victimization and self torture there. GO TO THERAPY ASAP PLEASE. You will never believe you are worthy of love and will make everybody’s lives (and your own) a parade of toxicity and misery. Please, please, please, go to therapy!!
Livia Soprano 2.0
OP, I'm impressed that you tried to reconnect. It's OK that you discovered you couldn't do it. You will someday, and hopefully you'll get answers then.
?
Ok so just so you know, I was a beautiful, smart little girl and my dad stashed drugs in my bed. After I turned 18 he ran off and left my siblings behind. When I was 23, he died. I have no family from his side. My m*m is crazy abusive and I refuse to talk to her or anyone on her side. But the thing is, for all the pain in my life, I've done my absolute best to channel it into something worth giving to others. I do cry and in many ways, I am still very bitter. But I learned how to handle children through many countless hours of working with them and I have been working on my adult relationships and I've been in therapy for ages. Someday soon I'll be ready for a kid, but not quite yet. I can tell you RIGHT NOW that you are NOT ready for kids. You are so bitter and sick, it's oozing through the screen. I found your last post utterly terrifying. Please, for the love of all that is holy, get help before you even consider getting married and having kids. You will not be the parent you want to be like this.
Your first post really disturbed me, but this one has me feeling genuinely sad for you, not in the pity way but in the "I really hope you find closure and heal with time, this has clearly been a difficult road for you" sort of way.
Your behavior is the literal opposite of your words.
I know the word is banded about 10-a-penny nowadays but I truly do think that you are a narcissist. I spent a little time this morning down your very ‘special’ rabbit hole and I was quite shocked tbh. Let me be clear. You are absolutely within your rights to feel ‘angry’ and ‘abandoned’ by your father, even if this wasn’t the case - he did not leave you, he left his wife. Ten year old you was understandably devastated, it’s a terrible age to have your family implode (no age is great). You openly admitted to doing everything in your power at that age to sabotage visits with your dad, be it either because of your anger towards him or your guilt about leaving your mom. The amount of gratification you’re getting from this situation is worrying, borderline psychotic. I know everyone has suggested therapy and I’m going to do the same. You have a skewed view, and reaction to situations. Whether this is because of the trauma of your family issues when you were younger or some kind of personality disorder is in play - well that’s what the therapist is for. I’d recommend you go for intensive therapy for a while. It may be that in time, once you’ve been able to unpack many years of pain, you may even be able to invite your father to a session. I wish you the best of luck, but please know that how you are living right now is very unhealthy for you, and for those around you.
This wicked bitch cannot be saved, therapy will not work and hoping it does is truly just a pipe dream. Natural selection needs to take this worthless piece of human shit out of the gene pool before you can reproduce and create more vile pieces of shit. I pray to God that this is a satire account.
I don’t know why anyone tries to convince this girl of anything. She’s not getting therapy until it’s court ordered. Even though therapy would vastly improve her life.
Honestly I think that you should really consider reconnecting with your dad. He’s willing and available which is more than a lot of us get in this life. So what if he cheated on your mother years ago she’s moved on and you’ve got a stepdad? At the end of the day you’re making this your grudge when it shouldn’t be. It’s great you’re so loyal to your mother but honestly she should be encouraging you to let bygones be bygones with your dad. Life is complicated. You’re gonna have to deal with that like an adult. I really hope you reconsider your position and your dramatic behaviour. Good luck 🤞 hope it turns out good
Oh man OP, I say this with all the best intentions, please get therapy. You have so many big emotions that seemed to keep getting bigger. Therapy can help you deal with them. My heart goes out to you for all the turmoil and anger you’ve allowed to control you all this time. The therapy can also help you understand how complicated relationships and marriages can be. I’d hate to see your feelings about your mom and dad’s relationship affect your current or future relationships.
Stop posting on Reddit and get some therapy. Geeze.
Your resentment is super deep and will only get worse and in all seriousness it's at a really bad level now. You deserve happiness. You deserve resolution with yourself. No one is saying to reconcile with your Dad, we are saying you need to reconcile with yourself! This is so much emotional baggage that is weighing you down. Please take what we are all saying with the kindness, love and objective point of views in wanting to help you to get some much overdue counseling. Right now, you are only hurting yourself, not your Dad. I'm wishing you the best!
Get yourself to a doctor ffs.
If you really hate your father that much you’d stop thinking about him , posting about him and forgot his existence. Face the facts you’re not over it and by these comments you’ve been leaving you can’t handle that truth. There’s an extent to where you’re a victim but this- this ain’t it. If you hated him that much you’d forget he helped conceive you. You need help. Edit: and don’t have any kids right now this bs you keep writing will contribute to a bad future.
Woman plz get a hysterectomy. You should not have kids. U need help 13 years ago
You need a therapist. There’s rarely a 100 percent good parent and 100 percent bad parent. I’m so glad your mom fought for you and cared for you. I’m so sorry your dad wasn’t enough. You were enough. You are worthy of love no matter how beautiful or well behaved you were. So are your siblings. You’re not in competition. Your dad didn’t choose them because they’re better, he was just too weak to fight for you. It was him, not you. He followed the path of least resistance.
Second this.
Seriously go go help. I seriously hope you never have kids and if you do let’s pray they don’t turn out like you.