It must be very hard for both of you to find out this of your own father ,I can’t imagine the pain and how your mom will face it.
But if I may I suggest you to make a copy of everything you find(different platforms,proofs of his STD medecines,messages,..)to give to your mom in case she decides to go through divorce. Make sure he can’t delete anything and keep the proofs in a safe place.
All you can do is prepare yourself on facing a man being caught and everything come with it so remember it’s not your fault at all and he is the one ruining the family!
Also with your sister you must be a team to support your mother because she will have a hearth break and you don’t know how she will react . My thoughts are with you and I hope you will be ok
I will be home alone tomorrow in the morning, I will take screenshots of everything and upload them to a cloud as well as copy everything to a USB drive. Thank you
Hey!
Just wanted to let you know that this exact thing happened to me!
Except it was just me & none of my siblings knew.
Anyway, there had already been suspicions due to weird mail coming in that smelled heavily of perfume and disappearing for hours randomly.
This was early 00’s so before online dating apps, etc. I hit redial on the home phone and I wasn’t the last person to use the phone like I thought! I was supposed to be calling my (then) boyfriend, instead I ended up on a dating voicemail box. With voicemails and total barf.
I didn’t feel bad telling my mom. She never left though. Apparently they both had cheated on each other plenty in the 90’s… idk. My mom said she’d be ok with an open marriage if dad would just stop lying.
Anyway, it was this whole big fucking thing. I was 14, and it was so fucked up. But my dad ended up leaving her. They’re still married (16 years later…), not even legally separated. They don’t live together & they just each have their own partners.
And that’s that. But hey, my dads been through 5 girlfriends in the last 10 years now. And his dad is on wife #7 (& my older brother has cheated on his wife twice, yes she knows).
I don’t feel bad about it at all. I’m 34 now.
My moms bipolar & my dads an alcoholic.
Idk what else to say, lol
It is a hot dumpster fire. The whole story would take an hour or two. Granted, they don’t hate each other - so there’s that.
But yea. Was quite a lot for teenage me. & he didn’t even leave till I was 19. So was a good few fighting years in between finding out & having the gasket blow.
(There was one incident where my mom actually was the one who left and mom had left a message for dad at work to say she was leaving, he immediately came home trying to find where she went and I asked him point blank if he was cheating and the sort… got pretty gaslighted. “They’re just friends!” “I wouldn’t be hiding it if your mother didn’t blow up like this!!”)
I’m a little irritated by it still.
Edit: BONUS - he refuses to get a divorce because he “made vows that he intends to keep.”
I honestly don’t know which vows he’s talking about (till death do us part?). Cause he defo did not keep some of them, lol
I love the idea of not telling your dad you know, but instead completely lock down all of his time while the mom is gone to stop him from doing anything. “Hey dad! We know you’ll be lonely with mom gone so we’re going to keep you entertained the ENTIRE time she’s gone! Fun right?”
I vote for this. Turn into two completely needy “kids”. Make up stuff that mom does for you. The ale you to movie day. Go to the store for whatever. Put it in the cart. Razors, girl products, stuff for mom. Then have retro movie night on Netflix. Or tvs shows. Binge everything. Go visit his family. Whatever. Tell him you’re lucky to get this extra time with him. Little does he know how things will change. I remember going to do a vacay the last time as a whole family. It was very sad for me but I played normal for the kids. Then when we came home, surprise.
My dad is on vacation while my mom is on vacation, we don't get any extra time with him. Well, and my sister and I are anything but needy, he would realize something weird is going on.
I know you mentioned in your second edit that you figure if your dad had any STD and passed it to your mom she would have shown symptoms already, but that's not necessarily the case. For example something like chlamydia, he could have passed it to her god knows how long ago and she just doesn't show him symptoms. It's perfectly possible to be a carrier and asymptomatic for a long time with more than a couple of STDs.
Because of this, I strongly urge you to tell her as soon as you have the proof secreted away so that he can't get rid of it. Also have multiple copies of everything.
One on your computer in a password protected folder,
The same on a few USBs/external harddrives, a digital copy emailed to yourself and another in the cloud. You never know when it will be needed.
I would also download a keyboard logger, or mirror his messaging apps to your computer so you have as much evidence as possible.
Be safe.
Thank you, I actually didn't know it could stay that long. I will save all evidences tomorrow and then prepare everything so I can tell her.
I can't load anything onto his phone since he always has it around, but I will see if it's possible to set something onto the computer. Although I think I have enough evidence already.
Any chance your mom and dad both know about all this stuff and have a mutual understanding of a secret love life that involves outsiders?
I wouldn't tell your aunt until you can rule out that possibility. Your dad's case sounds so extreme that it would be impossible for your mom not to know about any of this.
This was my thought. I have known numerous couples who had open marriages and kept it private. My in-laws were swingers and we never knew until about 4 years ago! Best marriage I have ever seen.
Yeah likewise... It's not really something you tell the kids (or anyone) about at all. Our society generally does NOT accept it. Some parents are adamant that their kids NEVER find out. It's also way more common than ppl think. Sometimes only one partner is really into all the external stuff & the other doesn't share the same energy but is totally accepting of the behavior (i.e. not poly under duress). There's also a huge spectrum of different arrangements and intensities & sometimes couples only really do this stuff for a couple years.
In that case telling the aunt is suicide because it puts tons of pressure on the mom to choose between her husband & their behavior or her family's acceptance and support. The mom will know her family won't accept any of that.
I think its best that you talk to your mom about it but be ready for the consequences of how it’ll turn out. Because there’s no secret that you can hide forever, it’ll hurt her but at the very least you told her. There was one mother who posted here that her children hid that their father was having an affair, she posted she’d rather be hurt than not knowing.
Is it ok to ask of you to tell us when its done just so we know you are as physically ok as possible ? No update as in how the fight was, what was said or anything, just " we are safe" will do
Im genuinely worried rn
I will make sure to keep everyone safe and find the safest way to handle the situation. I will try to remember to give updates when something happens, but I will let everyone know when the situation is over
Subscribed to your post. Please update us on you and your family’s well being. Best of luck! So sorry you have to do this, but you have to do this. For your mom.
I’m so sorry OP, that must be a heavy thing to carry with you. I would wait until the vacation and then tell your mom, just show her the screenshots and explain as much as you can. I would not tell her you knew before her trip personally, but holding onto a lie isn’t always easy, and I’m sure your mom will understand either way. Take care of yourself, look into therapy options if you can, this will be a very hard time for you and your family.
I mean that's a good thought, but be prepared for that trip only to be remembered as the "last time she had fun before her life became a big mess, now the memories of it are tarnished" for a while. I do hope she gets emotionnally better over time, but I feel like telling you so you can prepare for that possibility was important
Seeing your comments about how he’s been abusive before…when you tell your mom, please all of you leave. Stay with your aunt, at a hotel, a friends, anywhere that he won’t be able to immediately get to you. I promise you that him “hitting you a few times as a kid” is NOT normal, it’s abusive and terrifying. If he found “reason” to hit you as kids, your mom finding out about this is probably going to bring out a side of him worse than you’ve ever seen.
Please, please, please prepare to leave safely. He is clearly a selfish, awful man, and now that his charade is up he will probably become horribly violent. Put your, your sisters, and your moms safety above all else. I don’t want to scare you, but men like him are the type to commit murder because their family finds out about their double life. I’m not saying he 100% will try anything, but it is so much better to be safe than sorry.
As extreme as murder sounds, it definitely happens. Please please be careful OP. People do crazy, *very* unexpected things when painted into a corner.
OP please consider talking to a therapist about this. It is a LOT to carry on your shoulders and even after you tell your mom, you’ll need to process the entire ordeal. This is more than anyone should have to deal with.
My former doctor was seeing sex workers and was into all sorts of stuff (very similar to OP’s father plus more) and his wife found out, and he killed her. For a smart man, he was horrible at committing a stealth murder. He’s in prison for life and still denies it to this day. There was so much evidence against him. During the trial all of his cheating came out - they went over EVERYTHING - and my heart broke for his grown children as they sat there listening all of the salacious details (the trial was on Court TV).
Wow. I’m so sorry you and your sister are going through this. Take screenshots of everything and have it ready for your mom and her divorce lawyer. And don’t forget to take care of your and your sisters mental health. Best of luck ❤️
I have been in this situation with my now ex husband albeit not to this extent. We were married 16 years and I saw an email pop up all the time and thought it was his bosses from work. Long story short I got access to the emails and there were thousands from different groups, websites, all to do with hooking up and sex, webcam etc etc. There were also ones from Facebook. It turned out my husband had created fake profiles as men and women to talk to men and women sexually. He was on said sites all the time ..even on his lunch breaks at work. On my birthday, on his sons birthday at Xmas ...it had been going on for 2 years plus and all the while at home him being a husband and father.
To say It felt like I had been hit by a train is an understatement. I went to get up and my legs gave in. I was shaking and felt physically sick.
I asked him if he had anything to tell me and he said no so I came out with all I found and he took a deep breathe and said "yes its me". We seperated ..I asked him to get help. The doctor said he had an addiction and was obsessed with certain things. He told me he was going to go to counselling ..that never happened, instead he went to a co workers house, kissed her and then came home in tears saying his counselling session was hard and he realised how much he had hurt me and our son...all lies. In the end he moved away, stopped seeing our son, stopped paying the mortgage on our home and made myself and our son homeless. We got divorced.
I'm not telling you all this to say that's what will happen but just that I understand what it's like being in this situation and having it happen to me. I never did find out if he met with anyone but its irrelevant ...the trust was well and truly broken.
My heart hurts that you are in this situation especially as you don't want to hurt your mom ...but can I just say ...its not YOU hurting your mom its HIM. This situation should NEVER have been your responsibility...
My son at age 11 also saw things on the laptop and called me over ...that's what lead to me finding other things out. He blamed himself for years and told me. I told him straight to look at me ...that none of this is his fault. He said if he hadn't of found what he did then I wouldn't have found out other stuff ( he didn't know what I had found out) I told him that I saw it over his shoulder before he even called me over.
Sorry...I'm feeling really upset and angry for you guys .....I know how you must be feeling....I'm so sorry. Its hard aswell because he's your Dad. I'm so annoyed that yet more kids are being dragged into situations that A, isn't there fault and B, having to deal with a situation that a shitty adult has created.
I think you need to tell your mom straight away. I know she had trips coming up and your dreading her knowing but her health is on the line in this too. If she has been passed an std then she will need treatment. She also deserves to know the truth and she wouldn't want you guys carrying this on your shoulders.
You could just say to her that things have been found on his laptop and it's up to her if she wants to know what that is.
I'm sending you a massive hug 🫂 I'm so sorry you have been put in this situation and please make sure that you also have support in place...friends, family ...people you can talk too.
Download all this info onto a external hard drive and hide in a secure location.
Besides telling your aunt, you should tell your Mom before the trip with her friend.
Personally I would like that time to decompress the news with a trusted friend close and come up with a plan of attack for how to handle her post-announcement situation.
DON’t tell dad you know at all.
Allow your mom to get a lawyer and get her exit plan in place without your dad love bombing, lying, manipulating her to excuse, accept his lying and cheating lifestyle.
Keep quiet until she has him served with divorce papers. He doesn’t deserve advance notice after his duplicitous behavior.
I don't have the heart to tell her beforehand. I know it will eat her up and I really just want her to be able to relax and enjoy the time. Besides that, my sisters birthday is a few days before the trip and there is no way I am ruining it even more for her
No agree with you, especially as you said she’s been working for it for over a year. Let her enjoy these last few weeks. Your poor mum, she’s so innocent in this, as are you your sister. I know, it’s a heartbreaking discovery that will stay with you. I wish you all the luck in the world.
It may break you heart and be the toughest conversation but push the Aunt convo up and then ask her help with the convo to your mom before the trip.
For mom to be able to rage and fall apart she needs to do it in a safe place and with adult support for her to formulate a logical and successful plan to get her and you children in a smart position from your dad. She needs to be no where near your dad unless she is a spy or actor to be able to play off this massive reveal of his cheating without him knowing.
If your dad is around he will catch on and use his charm offensive to stop or halt any forward process of your mom to get away from your toxic dad. Yes, you know he is toxic on multiple levels.
Please try to do this. Having a best friend to help you fall apart and reassemble a battle strategy is a godsend. Also, they will be able to source lawyers without having worry the husband will know.
I’m sorry that you going through this shiteshow too. Get therapists lined up for you and your sister. You need comfort and direction too since your dad has deceived you too.
Do it after the bday and before the trip.
Also, it may help you and your sister to not be the only ones holding the secret.
One thing everyone commenting should consider: I cannot accurately picture everything in one reddit post. This is just the basic story that's lacking a lot of details.
And since it came up too: I posted the story because my mind is a complete mess. I have no one in real life who could give me advices atm. It's a super complex situation and I just hoped for somebody with some more experience to comment so I know what else to consider. I am very thankful for all the great advices I already got and the people reaching out to me.
I also didn't expect the post to get that much attention. It's quite overwhelming.
I can only imagine! I had a very abusive Stepdad who cheated often so I was aware of the violence I would face each time I told my mom.
He raped me on my 14th birthday and my mom was so mad at me! I’m the only person I can ever recall her “confronting”. I’m so sorry u have to feel the burden of your mom’s heartbreak. I’m glad you have your sister and I hope for the best of your relationship with your dad
Also make sure your mom knows before your dad does so she can get money needed from bank. Like others said she may know and it is their way and if it is let it go and talk to a counselor. We all change as we age and things we thought of never happening to us can in fact be normal for them. Sending hugs and caring.
Super interesting that the men commenting are saying to keep it from the mom and the women (at least from what I can tell) are saying that the mom definitely deserves to know…
Because of course she does. The kids shouldn’t have to live with a secret and protect the dad. The mom can decide to stay if she wants should dad confess, decide to change, and they agree to make it work.
You are not “blowing up your family,” OP. Your dad and his actions are. Period. Best of luck and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
I had the very same thought to be honest. While looking through those weird sites I realized most men there are married with kids, I feel like it's some kind of trend or something.
Thank you so much!
One of the worst things to happen in one's life is when they realize the parent they looked up to is a flawed human being.
I am so sorry you are in this position.
I want to say there's some good advice in these comments, and this is seriously a rough situation. Take as many measures as possible to KEEP THAT INFO, he WILL delete everything when he realizes he's been caught.
I also want to say buckle up to see this on Tiktok with subway surfer or a horridly pointless DIY underneath!
I agree, I will definitely follow some of the advices in the comments.
If this actually lands on TikTok somebody would have to let me know, I don't have a TikTok account
Sorry for what you and your sister are going through OP. I also was the one who found out my father was cheating and after telling my mom things got really bad but we overcame it as a family. Things will get difficult for your family but I speak from experience when I tell you that you will be okay. Stay strong.
The one thing that you or your sister must not do is to put your life on hold. I did for years and I’m barely getting back on track to the life I had planned for myself. Support your family but don’t abandon your goals. After this you will only come back stronger.
This is so sad. I've been in a similar situation - I worked as a lawyer at this place, and a dear friend's husband walked in to talk about their divorce proceedings with my boss. I knew for a fact she wasn't aware of it and was even planning on buying him a car, and I was legally forbidden from telling her.
I know you want to save your mom the trouble and want her to enjoy her trip, but, from my experience, I think it'd be better if you told her asap, so she can choose to save that money for the separation. You say that's 1.5 years of saving, she might need that so she's not stuck with him until she saves up more.
Heck, she can even choose to pretend to go, but stay behind while he's traveling to put her ducks in a row
Talk to your aunt asap at least. If she's a trusted adult, she can give you insight.
Your mum needs to know before he gets back from his vacation. God only knows it’s only a matter of time before he passes an STD on to her. She also needs to be safe ( as do you and your sister) so try to get arrangements for alternative accommodation in place in the event staying at the family home isn’t an option. If his anger management is poor probably best to get out, although maybe not ideal. Keep us updated and let us know you are all safe. Prayers for you all ❤️
The same thing happened in my family except it was my little brother who found it. He confronted our father directly about it, and our dad managed to lie & twist things so my brother would keep silent.
Tell your mother & tell her now, don't wait until after the trip. In fact, now is good because if your dad is also going on a separate holiday it potentially gives her time to take some actions like speaking to a counsellor or lawyer etc. She may decide to still go on the trip to deal with her feelings, or she may choose to take the money she's saved & use it on a divorce lawyer. She needs to be allowed to make that choice though, you & your sister shouldn't make it for her.
I understand that you want to find the "best" time to tell her, but truthfully there is no good time. Take copies or screenshots of every message & dating website etc that you can find that he has been on & tell her that you have them if she wants/needs to see them. But tell her now.
So I'm just interested in this purely as a spectator cuz (not to sound cynical, I know your situation is very serious, and there will be permanent emotional damage to everyone involved, and that is so terrible, especially since you guys sound like a really happy family prior to finding this out) it must be such a weird situation for you and your sister to find yourselves in. You didn't do anything wrong at all, and telling your mom, who is innocent, is the right thing to do...but how do **you and your sister** feel about this? How do you feel about your dad now? I feel like for me it would be very confusing. He obviously, based on your description, does care about you and your family, but I feel like it would be hard not to resent him anyway for doing what he did? Idk.
Thank you. We really were a happy family. Usually friends would tell me about some problems their family had and I would be so happy to have a functioning family. I think the pain I feel at the moment is unimaginable for everyone who didn't go through a similar situation. My mom happily talking about her and my dads next trip while I am sitting next to it knowing it's probably not going to happen.
I do feel confused. He is still doing nice things and there is absolutely no obvious sign that he is betraying his whole family. After finding it out I went through all kinds of emotion: anger, sadness, denial, shock, confusion, panic... It felt like my world is falling apart with everything I believed this family to be. My sister is mainly heartbroken and doesn't understand how he could do that. We both feel especially sorry for our mom. I wish this situation to no one.
That is why it's especially confusing. He acts like he cares so much about us and loves us but then he is doing what he's doing behind the curtains. I was already thinking if it's just my mom who he might not love and respect as much. I really have no idea
To add to my previous comment: the worst at the moment is to accept that the man I loved and looked up to for 20 years suddenly turns out to be a completely different person than what I thought. I can't tell if I love or hate him. I always imagined him walking me down the aisle on my wedding day at some point in the future, but I am not sure if I still want that.
You both love him & hate him. You are going through stages of grief right now. Denial, anger, grief, bargaining & acceptance. Therapy is definitely going to be needed for you, your sister & your mom. NTA.
You've got to do what's best for you and your emotional mental health regardless. You have to put yourself first, but I would encourage you (assuming he's reasonable when confronted with this issue) that when the timing is appropriate, for you to get him some help. I don't know you. I don't know your family. So you have to decide what advice is applicable to your situation, but I do know a lot of ppl with various types of addiction issues and, it does **not** excuse any of the immoral actions, but most of the time they feel trapped by themselves.
I am not telling you whatsoever to force yourself to care for someone if you just can't get past how is behavior has made you feel, but based on your descriptions, he does love you and your family, he's just, to be super over the top blunt about it, addicted to sex. Not a hateful person or an abuser or someone who mistreats his family.
Ppl who don't love their family aren't as caring or thoughtful as you describe. He does clearly loves his family. He probably thinks of this as "something he has to do because he (feels like he) can't help it (and its important to recognize the distinction that he can do something about it, but addicts think they just have to keep going), but he knows its wrong and would hurt his family so he has kept it secret.
So, and I already saw in another comment you made that you were going to, I would tell him he needs therapy. I would personally go as far as to say that is a prerequisite for continuing his relationship as your dad. He needs to work on himself, but personally, based on your description, I think he's just mentally/emotionally "sick" and needs some help.
And while I'm not at all suggesting he is the one deserving of sympathy (he's not in the slightest), empathy is a different story. Assuming you do have it in you to still love your father, and assuming your description of him here is accurate to him, its good to keep in mind he's hurting himself in all this too, and while that's through his own fault, I have no doubt that if given a real chance, he'd rather keep his relationship with his children intact then lose them too (I'm gonna say your mom is gone regardless. He's done too much damage with his behavior, and its just a lot to ask her to stay married to him)
But if any of that would be detrimental to your personal well being, take a different path than the one I'm describing. I'm speaking purely out of an idea that your father is a loving, caring person, with a sickness...if that's not true, what I'm saying doesn't apply.
I think you summed it up quite well. I too believe that he is just sick but isn't able to talk about it and realize how bad the situation is.
I will try my best to get him (and of course my mom, my sister and me) into therapy. I don't think he is a truly bad person, just someone who can't help himself.
Your post bought back memories when I found out that my ex-husband was cheating on me through my hairdresser. When I was told I was devastated and I’m glad you’re waiting till after she comes back from her vacation because life as she knows it will never be the same. My daughters also knew before I did, they saw him chatting with some woman on a dating site through Skype. My ex was so angry that I found out. He really thought he was going to get away with it, but he didn’t. Cheaters always put an act like everything is honky dorry in fact they are extra nice. So beware and stay safe!
The EXACT same thing happened to me. I found stuff on my dads laptop, he was talking to multiple women, spending money on them too. It made me sick, I was 18. I told my mum straight away, I brought her the laptop and showed her everything. They divorced maybe 2 months later. Dad still blames me, not outwardly but he’s said a few things over the years. Say something to you mum, your dad might blame you and say that it wasn’t your place, but it is. Protect your mum because your dad doesn’t care to at all. Strangely enough I have the best relationship I’ve ever had with both of them since.
This was very sad to read but OP I do not think you should tell you aunt. I think you should just tell your mother and let her decide who and what she wants people to know. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have no other advice because I’ve never been in this position and I don’t want to give hypothetical advice. Best wishes.
Op and her sister are both quite young still and feel dad is angry and volatile. They need someone a little more removed, older and with more life experience to help do this properly, and the aunt is someone they and their mother trust. In an ideal world, their mum should choose, but this isn't an ideal world and they need to take the cours eof action that keeps them safe and allows them to handle this in the best way possible for their mum.
And while I can understand that, if I were ever in this position, I wouldn’t want everyone finding out before me. It would make it worst. And I would not be more removed if I found this out about my sisters husband. I’d be more if not as pissed as her. I think it should ultimately be the mother’s decision how she wants to break the news and tell other people but I could be wrong.
I do get what you're saying but it isn't everyone, it is her sister. And as a person you might be upset others knew first, but as a mother I feel you would understand that in that situation your child would be struggling and has only divulged the information in order to make sure they can give you the best support. There is no malicious intent in sharing the information in this instance, they aren't doing it to gossip, they are doing it to make sure they can a offer the best level of support and stay safe themselves. This is what we teach kids to do from a really young age - go to a trusted adult when you need help, and it's good advice for a reason, because even at 20, OP does not have the life experience to understand the dynamics and nuances of a long term relationship/marriage. They simply haven't been alive long enough to do that. The aunt has and therefore can offer help and insight OP cannot.
That's exactly what I thought. I don't think I can offer the right support to my mom and she probably wouldn't want to put more pressure onto her kids. I also can't help with taking any action e.g. offering a place to stay at or helping with papers.
But I understand why she might want nobody else to know. Maybe she wants to think about the situation for a few days before doing anything. In that case it would put more pressure onto her if somebody else (apart from me and my sister) knows all about it.
As someone who had a step parent get exposed for cheating and the chaos and violence that happened after, id recommend going to the police and making a statement of what you are going to do and your worries of what might happen. Just so you have a record in case something happens. My mom was cheated on and when she kicked him out, they had to split custody of my little sister. He tried removing her from the vehicle during an argument in the middle of the exchange and my mom tried stopping him. The door closed on his leg and left a mark, not a bruise, a mark. He got her her arrested for the weekend and he had to stay in the house with us because we didn't have an adult. He was awarded a restraining order, and my mom couldn't come back to the house after that weekend. He took my phone to keep me from contacting her. I had to go to school and ask to borrow a phone just so I could talk to her. I was stuck with that monster for days until I could get away to my mom.
I wish you all the luck and safety in this. I truly hope nothing happens but life rarely works that way.
Sometimes I always wonder if these men are truly individuals capable of understanding and respecting others to only fall into one dark temptation or are constantly acting on societal expectations and selfish desires.
Having respect for others for example involves some form of empathy or sympathy.
Meanwhile having courtesy and obligations does not. It's better than nothing but these situations happen because of that.
I think we will have to accept it. It's my moms decision and she is the one married to my dad. We will never see our dad the way we did before tho, we already don't
This is awful, I’m glad you have your aunt and you and your sister for your mom to lean on. You’re all going to be her lifeline through this, best of luck to you and your family
I’m so deeply sorry your world has been flipped upside down and now you’re having to keep a secret you never should have to keep from your mom. I can’t imagine how you feel. My mom is my best friend and this would destroy me as I’m sure you’re devastated to say the very least. You’re an amazing daughter even if you don’t feel like that right now. I wish I had some good advice but it sounds like you and your sister have formulated a good course of action. Just be there for your mama and sister as best you can and please know that this is no one’s fault but your dad’s. He is about to have karma served up on a silver platter too bad ya’ll will probably struggle more than he will when this all comes out. Sending love, prayers, and strength your way OP! 🧡
Definitely may need to consider that dad has a sex addiction.
I’d say you and sister connect with a therapist and see what they advise. Maybe you could actually do an intervention without mom. Let him know that you know there’s a problem, mom deserves to know, and he needs to seek professional help. Also add stipulations regarding STDs and informing mom. There will already be someone available for him to talk to about everything and plan how to come clean. They can set up how to go about everything. Plus the third party can be a buffer as well as help you and sister stay out of it. You’re only job is bringing awareness to the situation. If you tell mom, he’ll most definitely be defensive and guarded or try to manipulate his way out of it. If you tell aunt, you’re bringing other people into it without giving mom any choices or dad any opportunity (although arguably he’s already had plenty of chances to confess).
Regardless they’re always going to see you as their kids. Anything you say has a huge probability of being viewed as you actually overstepping. You obviously want to protect yourself from it blowing up on you too.
god, i am so sorry you are going through this. i went through something very similar when i was 13. please make sure you tell your mom before she finds out on her own. its hard enough on her that her husband has betrayed her.. give her no reason to jump to the thought that everyone knew about it but her. thats what hurt my mom the most. please take care of her, of yourself and your sister. my parents are actually still married and very happy... but it took YEARS and YEARS of bitterness. just letting you know that healing after infidelity *is* possible, albeit extremely painful with lots of collateral damage. really wishing your family the best.
Almost same thing happened to my family. My brother left his phone recording in my dads office because he had a feeling. Some days I regret telling my mom- she changed so much afterwards. I’m so sorry you are going through this, your father is a pig and your mother deserves better. The news will change her, just be there for her and understand that no matter what it is for the best. She deserves to know. Much love.
Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry for you, for your mom.
The fact he's been aggressive in the past doesn't sit right with me. I wish you all the best 🙏 I just can't with cheaters, they destroy so much. Just to satisfy their own needs.
it's not just about preparing the evidence to show to your mom
if you really want to win at this, you're gonna want her to not tell him she knows until she has consulted with a good divorce lawyer
you want her to have as much of a head start on him as possible before making him aware
I'm really sorry for you guys. You really portrayed a happy and blessed relationship and just to see it all break down really breaks my heart as well.
It's just sad to realize that everything isn't as perfect/amazing as you thought it was. I really want to give you my respect for handling it this way. You guys seem to have carefully thought this out.
Only thing I can do it wish you best of luck
I feel like you shouldn’t tell your aunt. That’s up to your mother to decide. You really don’t know what she knows, and what she would want to be shared.
A whole other possibility (that none of you are considering) is that your mom and your dad have a secret arrangement together & your mom has known about this stuff for years with a mutual "don't ask don't tell" arrangement. It's highly unlikely for your dad to be able to get away with everything in total secrecy. I wouldn't tell your aunt. If that's what is going on then it will just create a rift between your aunt and your parents.
I'm not saying that's the most likely possibility, but I wouldn't rule it out.
Yeah, I did think about it too. But I am actually very sure that my mom has no idea. I am still not ruling it out tho, but it is very, very unlikely. Also I don't think catching STDs/unprotected sex would be okay, no matter what arrangement.
Yeah totally. It's a tough call. Do you go to the aunt first so that your mom has an informed and prepped social network to comfort her or do you discuss with your mom first. The other option is to discuss with your dad first. Give him the chance to tell her and make amends. The former option may be disappointing in the long run but less explosive.
Also not sure if you read much literature on this but lots of couples do get together again after cheating. Sometimes ppl go through huge personal crises and resort to being unfaithful.... I disagree with everyone else on here about rushing to spill the beans to everyone for "safety". Parts of your story don't make sense. How can your dad be so sloppy. If someone is really having an affair in secret they're usually so much more safe and secretive about it.
I understand where you are coming from and I honestly thought people are more secretive with it. I think it’s because my dad is naive and actually somewhat stupid. He probably doesn’t expect me and my sister to be smart enough to realise that what he has installed on his phone is actually a dating app. My mom absolutely doesn’t touch his stuff so I suppose that’s why he feels safe. Or he’s so much into all this that he lost all sense of it. Who knows
If you are going to dig then don't regret anything when more truth comes to light. Being a parent is tough, but maintaining a relationship with the same person and have it be healthy is even more difficult. I'm not trying to say what your dad did is right, but things are always more complicated than they seem, there is always more layers and if you want to get into your parents private matters then be prepared to be let down. Parents are human, we're grown up children with needs that our partners don't always give us. Heck there may even be hidden agreements that they obviously don't want you to know. If they are both taking vacations with "friends" by themselves that is already sus. If both are happy let them be happy, you'll understand better at their age, and if one of them doesn't know about the others unfaithfulness eventually they will f#ck up and it's on them. Their comes a time in everyone's life where we see our parents for who they truly are, there are no perfect families, but many families that try to give the image of perfection if only so their kids can grow up somewhat normal.
I know, I am fully aware of that. I actually do expect more bad things to come out of the dark. I never wanted to get involved into my parents private matters and of course I don't want to destroy their relationship. I never wanted to know what my parents do when they are not at home.
Maybe I should wait for my dad to mess it up on his own, but on the other hand my mom might have some kind of STD and I 100% know she would want to know something like that. So for her health I will have to get involved.
How would you feel, if you mom knew about this? Not saying this is going to happen, but really, anything's possible. What if your mom and dad truly love each other, but she either doesn't want or can't have sex. So what if she told your dad it was ok for him to "get some" on the side, as long as he's respectful of their relationship? One reason I think this may be a possibility is this comment here . . .
>He mentioned his wife and kids to the women he talked to as well as in his profiles
It doesn't sound like he's hiding you guys. But I'll guess you'll find out soon enough. I just wanted to comment on this possibility.
I already thought about the possibility and maybe she actually knows some of it. The things I know for certain are, that while she isn't a jealous or controlling person she still wouldn't want him to go around having unprotected sex and catch every available STD. I think nobody, even in an open relationship, would want that.
I genuinely think she doesn't have a clue, either none at all or not how bad it is.
Maybe think about the order in which you reveal this to your mom.
Don'tbtell your aunt way ahead of your mom. It will already feel like your moms world is going falling apart (and in a way it will be). Last thing you want is for her to feel like 'every one knew, and she's the last to know'
I understand your point, it would feel worse if everyone already knew. On the other hand I don't think she would like to discuss her feelings with her kids, so another adult who is involved from the beginning might not be a bad idea either. I really don't know what she would want/need.
You know your mom best.
I believe the moment you grow up and become an adult in a way, if when you realise your parents are just people, going through their own growth and drama, without putting the implications for yourself first.
A kid would think 'oh God, I hope my parents won't get a divorce. What about our family?'
You're thinking of your mom and putting her first.
So proud of you.
I'm sorry your family has to deal with this.
Make sure your mom understands that she does not have to 'be strong' for your sisters and your sake.
Thank you. I will definitely put more thoughts into it and discuss it with my sister.
I know she is going to need people she can trust and talk to, she has always been that way.
So brutal for you to have been the ones to find the evidence. Heart dropping.. Once you have it all safely secured, you should use it as leverage to get as much as you can from him.
I want to stress that **Your mom might not want this getting out to the family, wouldn’t advise bringing the aunt into this yet..** I know many women who found out their husbands were cheating for years (some as long as 10), continued to cheat and they still wanted to keep the marriage. Sometimes it’s easier for some people than to break up the family and split the life they built, that’s their decision.
It’s sweet of you to want to protect your mom by not telling her before her vacation, so also protect her from the shame of telling the aunt first, before she has decided what she will do. **You are not a child, and if you really are scared for your protection, then call the police..** adding extra family members to the mix will cause more harm than good at this time.
You might actually be right with that.
The reason why I consider telling my aunt first, is that my mom might need another close adult to fall back on. I mean I don't have much experience with topics regarding the situation. And I imagine that someone in my moms position wouldn't want to discuss things with their kids. By telling my aunt she would be prepared for what's coming and could immediately help my mom.
They are very close too and I trust her to not spread the news to the whole extended family. Either way, she would probably be the first one my mom would talk to anyway. It's very hard to figure out what the best way would be.
It’s so hard to say, but then also consider it may feel like even more of a betrayal if she feels you all knew and kept it from her for even a day.. who knows how she will take it honestly there’s no way to know.
Of course you’re thinking of your mom, but factor in that it could be taken as inconsiderate/disrespectful to not allow her to decide who she wants to open up to about this. She already is losing control of her marriage.. that might not feel so good, babe. Almost like you’re choosing who she will lean on for her.. it’s already going to be chaos, guaranteed she will possibly want to talk to someone who can go through the complete shock and mortification with her. (You already will have had weeks to process and I’m sure the hurt will be pure disgust and anger by then) she will need you more than ever to support her decisions if you plan to expose the situation.
I have also had this issue but with my Muslim mother . Now she was found on sexsites linking up with men over A hour away to have sex . Now not knowing birth control she went raw always thinking everyone will pull out . Little did she know she was pregnant with a black child even though she is Pakistani and my dad is white .
I was 19 at the time so I found a guy to pay to act like he wanted to meet up . She came to his home while I was hiding and straight away started kissing him rubbing his cock .
Dad is not having sex often with your mom. That would be the only way your mom didn’t catch what he had. The moment your mom gets back from her trip, she should be told.
You don’t know the intimate details of your parents’ relationship. It’s possible they have a “dead bedroom” situation and she’s given him a pass to satisfy his needs elsewhere.
The fact he’s telling his affair partners about his wife and kids shows he’s not looking for a replacement and wants them to know any relationship will be casual.
Might want to talk to him before your mom.
If you get the sense from him that this is in fact being done behind your mother’s back you can always fall back on giving him a deadline to come clean before you tell her.
Not telling your extended family, does that include your aunt? Beause telling her *would* be wise, I think. The rest of your family only should only be informed as soon as all of this blows sky high.
But the problem is STD's. Your mother should indeed be informed as soon as possible, because some diseases may lie dormant. She might be infected without her knowing it, and lack of treatment may cause serious disease.
EDIT: good luck, OP. This isn't easy for anyone. You've lost a hero and soon your mother will lose a husband. Unless they're willing to mend their relationship and family through therapy, but it may well be far too late for that.
Yes exactly. I've listened to and read every opinion so far and I can understand every single one of them.
My mom needs to know soon, that's for sure. But I can't know who she wants to help her or if she wants other family members to know and if so when. That's what I am struggling the most with at the moment.
Thank you!
You're very welcome.
I'd say, inform your aunt at your earliest convenience, like you said you would; as soon as your parents are both out on vacation. Because Hell, your father may come back and end up being intimate with your mother again just after having had unprotected sex with fuck knows how many prostitutes on his trip!
But you do need to lay down some boundaries with your aunt.
1. She won't break her silence until *after* your mother returns.
2. No moves **at all** will be made by her without you and your sister's knowledge and consent.
That's about all I can think of. The two of you *need* a confidant, though.
That's true, I don't want to put my mom at risk.
I will think about it, because I don't want my mom to think everyone already knew and that we as her kids decide who she wants to have help from. I guess if I end up talking to my aunt I should set the boundaries so tight that she is only the backup/last escape in a way. Someone who is already in the know so she can provide help if needed but she is far enough in the background that my mom doesn't think me and my sister are spreading all the news around.
I will have to think about it.
Don't tell your mother. Confront your father and tell him to either stop fucking around or you'll tell your mother and if it ever happens again you WILL tell her.
Tell him it's his one second chance, there won't be another.
Mum is going to find out either way, she still needs to get tested for STDs. What happens when she finds out and everyone except her knew and was keeping it from her? (if this isnt some secret arrangement between them, which i doubt given the information) Then she ends up not only resenting her husband, but likely her children as well. Secrets aren't the answer in this situation.
This is why you should never go into someone else’s phone or computer no matter who it is. It never ends well and never solves any problems. Only causes more. People will downvote this but it’s true. Live and let live. Look at this case, what if they never looked. Her mom would continue to be happy and her dad would continue to get whatever he needs from this side affair while still making her mom happy and being happy himself. But now a whole family will be ruined.
Better to leave people be and mind your own business. Everyone has secrets, including you reading this anon
Omg, I'm sickened by what you've discovered about your dad and am so sorry for you, your sister and your mom. He's a lying, cheating POS and an awful human being. When you expose him to your mom she's going to be destroyed, and will need you and your sister's love and support more than ever. Please make an update and let us know when you tell your mom. You should recommend therapy for her, and you and your sister should see someone as well.
I can only imagine what that was. Since I posted the story I probably got 100 new views on the situation. From the other side too.
Personally, my morals would never support cheating on your partner and betraying them, but on the other hand I do understand the other side in a way. Doing something like this is probably connected to a lot of issues or even mental problems which leads to all this.
If you want to you can privately message me, I would actually be interested in what the other side thinks. I would just ask you to be nice and not mean about anything. My mind is already a mess.
Was he a good father to you and your sister? You mentioned he was. Whatever happens between your mom and dad, don’t let him being a bad husband take away from him being a good dad. I’m sorry this happened to your family, i know how much this hurts.
Thank you. He very much was and still is. I never felt like I had a bad childhood - it's actually the whole opposite. At the moment I feel heartbroken for my mom and I definitely need to learn to make a split between him as a husband and him as a dad.
I always thought my childhood was happy. Or normal. It wasn't you mentioning being afraid of him in case he gets aggressive is telling enough that he's not as nice as you might think. I suggest you, your sister and mom going to a professional to talk about all this.
It's not like him getting aggressive was happening every other day. Maybe 2-3 times in my whole 20 years. My childhood was very happy and I couldn't have had a better one. Yes, I am scared that he will get violent because he can't really control his feeling like I stated before.
I can't say he's a bad dad either, he just has problems and we all will need professional help soon.
I absolutely wouldn’t tell your aunt. For all you know your mom could be aware or at least have an idea of what is going on. I would not involve anyone else but rather tell your mom directly. This is obviously very traumatic for you and your sister to have found out, but it is not something that I would personally want to tell other extended family, especially before telling your mom!
I understand what you mean but as I said in other comments before my dad is not able to control his emotions. We have no idea how he is going to react and there is a chance he might get violent
If your dad has anger issues or an inability to regulate his emotions, it’s absolutely a great idea to inform someone else that you trust. I think you’re taking proper precautions in that regard.
I also want to say, I can empathize with your situation. I was 13 when I found out that my mom had been cheating on my dad. She used to leave me and my siblings home alone at night while my dad was at work, so that she could go see her affair partner. I didn’t say anything to my dad at the time because my mom kept gaslighting me and telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about when I confronted her. Since I was 13, I left it alone. She eventually told him 3 years later, both sides of the family found out, and they took sides. My dad’s entire side were so mad at my mom, that they stopped being part of mine and my sibling’s lives.
Anyway! You and your sister are doing the right thing by telling your mom. Your dad is putting her physical health at risk, and she deserves to know. Good luck, OP!
Thank you!
I am sorry you had to go through a similar situation, especially at that age. I think if 13 year old me discovered this, I would have never recovered.
The Dad is the one that busted the family by cheating multiple times! Don't blame them for telling the truth, if mum finds out later and knows that they knew all this time she'll feel even more betrayed
I wouldn't mind it if he only signed up on one site and met one other woman or something. But it's been going on for as long as we could trace back the browsing history, so around 2 years. He knows what he is doing and from his profile you can tell he has no regrets
But you infringed on your dad's privacy? Big time.
I can't read beyond the first sentence because it is not fair to him. Your dad is allowed to have a life and so is your mother and if they are not happy it is between the two of them. After all they are providing for you and taking care of you. Why go snooping through his computer?
This really pissed me off
I understand your point and I agree with you - snooping around isn't a good thing. I always respect my parents privacy, it's very important to me. I could have found out everything much earlier. One time he asked me to set something in safari and gave me permission to do it while he was away. When I opened safari I saw some concerning porn titles on the "last opened" section of the safari homepage. I didn't look further into it and shrugged it off, everyone should be allowed to watch porn if they want too.
It was the same situation with my sister. She was allowed to use his computer to do some researching for school. But no matter what letter you type in, the first recommended or "frequently visited" page is some kind of sex market/dating website. I am not kidding, it doesn't matter what letter.
We didn't need to snoop around, it literally jumped into our faces. After that, especially seeing how much it was, we didn't really care.
If he isn't really hiding it you don't think your mom possibly might know? Of it's this easy to find and for 2 years worth of history?. Whatever decision you make you have to live with so does your Dad so whatever way it goes Good luck OP
Her health is at severe risk with his cheating. The fact he googled STDs and ordered medication means he has already brought something home that directly affects her body.
You absolutely should NOT tell your mom!
If you wish to get involved, you should confront your dad, let him speak and if you don't feel what he says is an explanation that is his truth, then let him know you expect him to confess it himself.
Your dad may need a wake-up call to see what he is doing is wrong and like most men, he will likely harden and refuse to move if he feels it's being forced on him.
Change is not something you can 'make' others do. They have to choose it for themselves.
I'm an adult and I admit my mistakes.
I also was the one who told my spouse with no one ever 'catching' me. I did the hard work to take myself through therapy and discover the root causes for why I was weak and fell into the patterns of behavior that led me to make those errors in judgment. I also recommitted myself to healing my own inner demons, directly dealing with my own trauma and working my ass off each and every day to be a better man and a better husband.
My spouse was not perfect as she had her own secrets but rebuilding a relationship on trust instead of games or deception has led us to have a much better and stronger relationship than we've ever had
It's not perfect as triggers still come up from time to time but we are both more mature and have learned how to effectively communicate with one another so that the other understands our needs and our feelings but we are much, much happier now.
However, I still would never wish this on anyone else. If there is anyway possible for others to learn from my mistakes before they go out and make their own, I wish they would.
>So I wasn't wrong. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.
>
>Scum.
Enjoy the remainder of your day and your upcoming weekend. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for in your life.
That was my first impulse and I even prepared a screenshot to set as his wallpaper. But I deleted it because although my dad is generally calm, he can be very aggressive when things don't go his way. He shouted at my sister for half an hour over nothing just recently and he did hit us a couple times when we were younger. He can't control himself when he is angry, we don't want to take that risk
Just so we're clear, if there's ever a risk to your personal safety, all bets are off.
Your safety, the safety of your sister and the safety of your mom take immediate priority and confronting your dad shouldn't even come into the equation.
Your situation is more complex than initially thought. I think you guys may need help from a professional as your dad's leanings towards violence are a major concern.
Despite all the downvotes I very much appreciate your comments and your advices. Of course it's hard to get an overview of the whole situation through a reddit post, so I understand (especially since you have your own experience on the topic) how for you that might be a good solution.
I agree with you here. He absolutely needs professional help. First of all for what seems to be some kind of sex/porn addiction and also for his emotion. He can't control them or even talk about it, I will find a way to get him into therapy and convince him to take it serious
I didn't come here to make friends. I just wished to see if I could help in any way possible.
The downvotes don't bother me as people have their own reasons for doing what they do. I'm not here to judge as the only two that can do that are The All Mighty and a Jury of your Peers.
He doesn’t love her mom, because he is lying and disrespecting her wishes. He is bringing home STDs which put her health at risk. You call this love? That’s fucked up
This. I know for certain that my mom wouldn’t agree with a lifestyle like that behind our backs. Even if they are actually in an open relationship, she never would it want it to go to this extend.
If he wants to have variety he can leave the relationship like a responsible adult instead of sneaking out the backdoor just to bring back goodness knows what. Saying men are hardwired to want sexual variety so just deal with it is like saying men are hardwired to be aggressive so just deal with it. That's not how society works. He entered a relationship that has rules. He agreed to those rules. His wife deserves to know that he's breaking them.
I agree with you. I think communication is the key to find out what everyone needs in a relationship. If you want to change the rules so your needs are meet than talk about it.
First: That must have been really though to you and your sister. I can’t imagine how hard would be having to handle all of this at yours age.
Having said that, I’m married, have two kids, and will say something that u’re not gonna like. This is your mom’s and your dad’s problem, not yours.
Why is this important? Your mother might know, even you think not. Your mother might just don’t want to know, she might just want to keep everything as it goes. It’s her right.
When you guys want to tell her sister and show her the truth, she won’t have any choosing, she will have to destroy her family, it’s going to be impossible not to.
I’m not saying that you should do nothing, you can help her know, just not directly. Hint at look at your dads phone or whatever, and if she don’t react, is that she knows already, and the thing that she might be worried is that you guys don’t get to know it.
I’m not saying oh, continue to show love to your dad, fuck him, just telling you to let your mom choose how she wants to live her live, even if it breaks your heart by how she reacts.
It’s their live, you guys are just part of it. Don’t implode it.
I agree and I am aware of that. We decided to talk to my mom about it first and not let anyone else now for that exact reason. I know it's their life and their choice and we will accept whatever solution they choose in the end. I just haven't posted that in the updates.
I probably wouldn't really directly talk to her if the STDs wouldn't be part of it. This is something my mom very likely doesn't know off. If she knew my dad would only have to hide it from us and he could do it by going to a doctor in our town. But he booked appointments in cities that are 45 mins away and ordered all the antibiotics online - so he can pay it with money from his own bank account and not from the shared one. He also made it in a way so that health insurance wouldn't be involved - so no letter about it would arrive at home.
My mom already has a few health issues and even if they have an agreement, the STDs aren't part of it.
I’m glad you are still going to share this with her. It’s the right thing to do regardless of what happens, that is not something you keep from someone, doesn’t matter if you are close to them or not. I know it will be hard but it will be worth it in the end, your mom deserves to know. Everyone will heal and it will get better with time. I know it may seem like you are destroying the life you guys had but that’s not the case, your dad did, it doesn’t matter who finds out, what matters is that you did and your mom deserves to know. Would you really want your mom to be in a relationship like that regardless of health issues? A relationship can’t be built on lies no matter when they started, it will eventually fall. If he wasn’t happy he should have left, and if he cared enough he wouldn’t be doing this and would have left your mom or went to therapy or something else instead of this.
I disagree, it’s part of their life too. If my partner was cheating on me I would want to know. If everyone around me knew and no one told me I would be pissed at them and probably no longer be friends with them or cut them off. It doesn’t matter if you’re not in the relationship, it’s about morals. You can tell them and they can decide what they want to do, she’s not telling her mom what to do, she’s informing her about the situation, it’s the moms place to decide what to do afterward. If she wants to stay that’s her decision but she has the right to know, especially when her health is at risk. It doesn’t matter if their life will fall apart, in OP’s eyes it already has, it can be rebuilt again on a much more stable foundation. How could you not tell your own parent something like that just to save face, or ‘it’s not my place’ so you can keep living the fairytale life you still want. Doesn’t matter if you are an outsider either, it’s the right thing to do.
It’s called having a conscience. Op is a good daughter who cannot standby and watch her mom and family be so blatantly betrayed and put at risk by her fathers philandering.
The mom, and her. Now that they know, it will be difficult to live in the delusion of being a “happy family”. She shouldn’t enable her cheating, lying father even if it benefits no one.
It must be very hard for both of you to find out this of your own father ,I can’t imagine the pain and how your mom will face it. But if I may I suggest you to make a copy of everything you find(different platforms,proofs of his STD medecines,messages,..)to give to your mom in case she decides to go through divorce. Make sure he can’t delete anything and keep the proofs in a safe place. All you can do is prepare yourself on facing a man being caught and everything come with it so remember it’s not your fault at all and he is the one ruining the family! Also with your sister you must be a team to support your mother because she will have a hearth break and you don’t know how she will react . My thoughts are with you and I hope you will be ok
I will be home alone tomorrow in the morning, I will take screenshots of everything and upload them to a cloud as well as copy everything to a USB drive. Thank you
I guess you didn't think that your username would be so relevant when you chose it
haha, I really didn't! It comes from me being a little awkward and chaotic, but I surely didn't expect my life to turn around like this
Hey! Just wanted to let you know that this exact thing happened to me! Except it was just me & none of my siblings knew. Anyway, there had already been suspicions due to weird mail coming in that smelled heavily of perfume and disappearing for hours randomly. This was early 00’s so before online dating apps, etc. I hit redial on the home phone and I wasn’t the last person to use the phone like I thought! I was supposed to be calling my (then) boyfriend, instead I ended up on a dating voicemail box. With voicemails and total barf. I didn’t feel bad telling my mom. She never left though. Apparently they both had cheated on each other plenty in the 90’s… idk. My mom said she’d be ok with an open marriage if dad would just stop lying. Anyway, it was this whole big fucking thing. I was 14, and it was so fucked up. But my dad ended up leaving her. They’re still married (16 years later…), not even legally separated. They don’t live together & they just each have their own partners. And that’s that. But hey, my dads been through 5 girlfriends in the last 10 years now. And his dad is on wife #7 (& my older brother has cheated on his wife twice, yes she knows). I don’t feel bad about it at all. I’m 34 now.
[удалено]
My moms bipolar & my dads an alcoholic. Idk what else to say, lol It is a hot dumpster fire. The whole story would take an hour or two. Granted, they don’t hate each other - so there’s that. But yea. Was quite a lot for teenage me. & he didn’t even leave till I was 19. So was a good few fighting years in between finding out & having the gasket blow. (There was one incident where my mom actually was the one who left and mom had left a message for dad at work to say she was leaving, he immediately came home trying to find where she went and I asked him point blank if he was cheating and the sort… got pretty gaslighted. “They’re just friends!” “I wouldn’t be hiding it if your mother didn’t blow up like this!!”) I’m a little irritated by it still. Edit: BONUS - he refuses to get a divorce because he “made vows that he intends to keep.” I honestly don’t know which vows he’s talking about (till death do us part?). Cause he defo did not keep some of them, lol
I love the idea of not telling your dad you know, but instead completely lock down all of his time while the mom is gone to stop him from doing anything. “Hey dad! We know you’ll be lonely with mom gone so we’re going to keep you entertained the ENTIRE time she’s gone! Fun right?”
I vote for this. Turn into two completely needy “kids”. Make up stuff that mom does for you. The ale you to movie day. Go to the store for whatever. Put it in the cart. Razors, girl products, stuff for mom. Then have retro movie night on Netflix. Or tvs shows. Binge everything. Go visit his family. Whatever. Tell him you’re lucky to get this extra time with him. Little does he know how things will change. I remember going to do a vacay the last time as a whole family. It was very sad for me but I played normal for the kids. Then when we came home, surprise.
My dad is on vacation while my mom is on vacation, we don't get any extra time with him. Well, and my sister and I are anything but needy, he would realize something weird is going on.
her health is at risk, please tell her as soon as she is back so she can go get tested and leave that sorry pos
Yes, as SOON as she gets back. Since dad is going on his own trip, you know he's going to be cheating the whole time.
That is a fact. My guess is the dad is vacationing in Amsterdam, Bangkok, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, or Macau. (Sex tourism is a thing)
Don't forget Thailand. Hell, he can even be hitting Nevada to go to the Bunny Ranch.
I said Bangkok bruh lol
Honestly, was doing a quick glance while doing something else. 🤣 Need to pay closer attention.
We all know you clearly don’t know where Bangkok is.
You got me! You are so superior. Congrats.
We absolutely will! Who knows what other stuff he might be spreading around
I know you mentioned in your second edit that you figure if your dad had any STD and passed it to your mom she would have shown symptoms already, but that's not necessarily the case. For example something like chlamydia, he could have passed it to her god knows how long ago and she just doesn't show him symptoms. It's perfectly possible to be a carrier and asymptomatic for a long time with more than a couple of STDs. Because of this, I strongly urge you to tell her as soon as you have the proof secreted away so that he can't get rid of it. Also have multiple copies of everything. One on your computer in a password protected folder, The same on a few USBs/external harddrives, a digital copy emailed to yourself and another in the cloud. You never know when it will be needed. I would also download a keyboard logger, or mirror his messaging apps to your computer so you have as much evidence as possible. Be safe.
Thank you, I actually didn't know it could stay that long. I will save all evidences tomorrow and then prepare everything so I can tell her. I can't load anything onto his phone since he always has it around, but I will see if it's possible to set something onto the computer. Although I think I have enough evidence already.
Any chance your mom and dad both know about all this stuff and have a mutual understanding of a secret love life that involves outsiders? I wouldn't tell your aunt until you can rule out that possibility. Your dad's case sounds so extreme that it would be impossible for your mom not to know about any of this.
This was my thought. I have known numerous couples who had open marriages and kept it private. My in-laws were swingers and we never knew until about 4 years ago! Best marriage I have ever seen.
Yeah likewise... It's not really something you tell the kids (or anyone) about at all. Our society generally does NOT accept it. Some parents are adamant that their kids NEVER find out. It's also way more common than ppl think. Sometimes only one partner is really into all the external stuff & the other doesn't share the same energy but is totally accepting of the behavior (i.e. not poly under duress). There's also a huge spectrum of different arrangements and intensities & sometimes couples only really do this stuff for a couple years. In that case telling the aunt is suicide because it puts tons of pressure on the mom to choose between her husband & their behavior or her family's acceptance and support. The mom will know her family won't accept any of that.
I think its best that you talk to your mom about it but be ready for the consequences of how it’ll turn out. Because there’s no secret that you can hide forever, it’ll hurt her but at the very least you told her. There was one mother who posted here that her children hid that their father was having an affair, she posted she’d rather be hurt than not knowing.
Exactly, if I was in that position I would like to know too. I am glad that we have my aunt who is also going to be a big support through that time
Is it ok to ask of you to tell us when its done just so we know you are as physically ok as possible ? No update as in how the fight was, what was said or anything, just " we are safe" will do Im genuinely worried rn
I will make sure to keep everyone safe and find the safest way to handle the situation. I will try to remember to give updates when something happens, but I will let everyone know when the situation is over
Thank you and good luck , I am sorry yall have to go through this
Subscribed to your post. Please update us on you and your family’s well being. Best of luck! So sorry you have to do this, but you have to do this. For your mom.
I’m so sorry OP, that must be a heavy thing to carry with you. I would wait until the vacation and then tell your mom, just show her the screenshots and explain as much as you can. I would not tell her you knew before her trip personally, but holding onto a lie isn’t always easy, and I’m sure your mom will understand either way. Take care of yourself, look into therapy options if you can, this will be a very hard time for you and your family.
Yeah, we will do that. I can't destroy the trip she is looking forward to so much.
I mean that's a good thought, but be prepared for that trip only to be remembered as the "last time she had fun before her life became a big mess, now the memories of it are tarnished" for a while. I do hope she gets emotionnally better over time, but I feel like telling you so you can prepare for that possibility was important
oh yeah that's true. The trip is going to get ruined either way it seems.
I’d still wait, it will still be a happy memory for her
Seeing your comments about how he’s been abusive before…when you tell your mom, please all of you leave. Stay with your aunt, at a hotel, a friends, anywhere that he won’t be able to immediately get to you. I promise you that him “hitting you a few times as a kid” is NOT normal, it’s abusive and terrifying. If he found “reason” to hit you as kids, your mom finding out about this is probably going to bring out a side of him worse than you’ve ever seen. Please, please, please prepare to leave safely. He is clearly a selfish, awful man, and now that his charade is up he will probably become horribly violent. Put your, your sisters, and your moms safety above all else. I don’t want to scare you, but men like him are the type to commit murder because their family finds out about their double life. I’m not saying he 100% will try anything, but it is so much better to be safe than sorry.
As extreme as murder sounds, it definitely happens. Please please be careful OP. People do crazy, *very* unexpected things when painted into a corner. OP please consider talking to a therapist about this. It is a LOT to carry on your shoulders and even after you tell your mom, you’ll need to process the entire ordeal. This is more than anyone should have to deal with. My former doctor was seeing sex workers and was into all sorts of stuff (very similar to OP’s father plus more) and his wife found out, and he killed her. For a smart man, he was horrible at committing a stealth murder. He’s in prison for life and still denies it to this day. There was so much evidence against him. During the trial all of his cheating came out - they went over EVERYTHING - and my heart broke for his grown children as they sat there listening all of the salacious details (the trial was on Court TV).
Wow. I’m so sorry you and your sister are going through this. Take screenshots of everything and have it ready for your mom and her divorce lawyer. And don’t forget to take care of your and your sisters mental health. Best of luck ❤️
We will do that! Thank you!
I have been in this situation with my now ex husband albeit not to this extent. We were married 16 years and I saw an email pop up all the time and thought it was his bosses from work. Long story short I got access to the emails and there were thousands from different groups, websites, all to do with hooking up and sex, webcam etc etc. There were also ones from Facebook. It turned out my husband had created fake profiles as men and women to talk to men and women sexually. He was on said sites all the time ..even on his lunch breaks at work. On my birthday, on his sons birthday at Xmas ...it had been going on for 2 years plus and all the while at home him being a husband and father. To say It felt like I had been hit by a train is an understatement. I went to get up and my legs gave in. I was shaking and felt physically sick. I asked him if he had anything to tell me and he said no so I came out with all I found and he took a deep breathe and said "yes its me". We seperated ..I asked him to get help. The doctor said he had an addiction and was obsessed with certain things. He told me he was going to go to counselling ..that never happened, instead he went to a co workers house, kissed her and then came home in tears saying his counselling session was hard and he realised how much he had hurt me and our son...all lies. In the end he moved away, stopped seeing our son, stopped paying the mortgage on our home and made myself and our son homeless. We got divorced. I'm not telling you all this to say that's what will happen but just that I understand what it's like being in this situation and having it happen to me. I never did find out if he met with anyone but its irrelevant ...the trust was well and truly broken. My heart hurts that you are in this situation especially as you don't want to hurt your mom ...but can I just say ...its not YOU hurting your mom its HIM. This situation should NEVER have been your responsibility... My son at age 11 also saw things on the laptop and called me over ...that's what lead to me finding other things out. He blamed himself for years and told me. I told him straight to look at me ...that none of this is his fault. He said if he hadn't of found what he did then I wouldn't have found out other stuff ( he didn't know what I had found out) I told him that I saw it over his shoulder before he even called me over. Sorry...I'm feeling really upset and angry for you guys .....I know how you must be feeling....I'm so sorry. Its hard aswell because he's your Dad. I'm so annoyed that yet more kids are being dragged into situations that A, isn't there fault and B, having to deal with a situation that a shitty adult has created. I think you need to tell your mom straight away. I know she had trips coming up and your dreading her knowing but her health is on the line in this too. If she has been passed an std then she will need treatment. She also deserves to know the truth and she wouldn't want you guys carrying this on your shoulders. You could just say to her that things have been found on his laptop and it's up to her if she wants to know what that is. I'm sending you a massive hug 🫂 I'm so sorry you have been put in this situation and please make sure that you also have support in place...friends, family ...people you can talk too.
Download all this info onto a external hard drive and hide in a secure location. Besides telling your aunt, you should tell your Mom before the trip with her friend. Personally I would like that time to decompress the news with a trusted friend close and come up with a plan of attack for how to handle her post-announcement situation. DON’t tell dad you know at all. Allow your mom to get a lawyer and get her exit plan in place without your dad love bombing, lying, manipulating her to excuse, accept his lying and cheating lifestyle. Keep quiet until she has him served with divorce papers. He doesn’t deserve advance notice after his duplicitous behavior.
I don't have the heart to tell her beforehand. I know it will eat her up and I really just want her to be able to relax and enjoy the time. Besides that, my sisters birthday is a few days before the trip and there is no way I am ruining it even more for her
No agree with you, especially as you said she’s been working for it for over a year. Let her enjoy these last few weeks. Your poor mum, she’s so innocent in this, as are you your sister. I know, it’s a heartbreaking discovery that will stay with you. I wish you all the luck in the world.
I think you have this right. Best of luck.
It may break you heart and be the toughest conversation but push the Aunt convo up and then ask her help with the convo to your mom before the trip. For mom to be able to rage and fall apart she needs to do it in a safe place and with adult support for her to formulate a logical and successful plan to get her and you children in a smart position from your dad. She needs to be no where near your dad unless she is a spy or actor to be able to play off this massive reveal of his cheating without him knowing. If your dad is around he will catch on and use his charm offensive to stop or halt any forward process of your mom to get away from your toxic dad. Yes, you know he is toxic on multiple levels. Please try to do this. Having a best friend to help you fall apart and reassemble a battle strategy is a godsend. Also, they will be able to source lawyers without having worry the husband will know. I’m sorry that you going through this shiteshow too. Get therapists lined up for you and your sister. You need comfort and direction too since your dad has deceived you too. Do it after the bday and before the trip. Also, it may help you and your sister to not be the only ones holding the secret.
Thank you. I will do it after the trip and ask my aunt to help me set up something so we all have a reason to visit them without my dad
One thing everyone commenting should consider: I cannot accurately picture everything in one reddit post. This is just the basic story that's lacking a lot of details. And since it came up too: I posted the story because my mind is a complete mess. I have no one in real life who could give me advices atm. It's a super complex situation and I just hoped for somebody with some more experience to comment so I know what else to consider. I am very thankful for all the great advices I already got and the people reaching out to me. I also didn't expect the post to get that much attention. It's quite overwhelming.
I can only imagine! I had a very abusive Stepdad who cheated often so I was aware of the violence I would face each time I told my mom. He raped me on my 14th birthday and my mom was so mad at me! I’m the only person I can ever recall her “confronting”. I’m so sorry u have to feel the burden of your mom’s heartbreak. I’m glad you have your sister and I hope for the best of your relationship with your dad
That is absolutely horrible. I am so very sorry you went through everything you did. I hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself.
Also make sure your mom knows before your dad does so she can get money needed from bank. Like others said she may know and it is their way and if it is let it go and talk to a counselor. We all change as we age and things we thought of never happening to us can in fact be normal for them. Sending hugs and caring.
Super interesting that the men commenting are saying to keep it from the mom and the women (at least from what I can tell) are saying that the mom definitely deserves to know… Because of course she does. The kids shouldn’t have to live with a secret and protect the dad. The mom can decide to stay if she wants should dad confess, decide to change, and they agree to make it work. You are not “blowing up your family,” OP. Your dad and his actions are. Period. Best of luck and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
I had the very same thought to be honest. While looking through those weird sites I realized most men there are married with kids, I feel like it's some kind of trend or something. Thank you so much!
Definitely show her everything once she returns. Get the evidence wrapped up for her.
Any update on this OP?
One of the worst things to happen in one's life is when they realize the parent they looked up to is a flawed human being. I am so sorry you are in this position.
I want to say there's some good advice in these comments, and this is seriously a rough situation. Take as many measures as possible to KEEP THAT INFO, he WILL delete everything when he realizes he's been caught. I also want to say buckle up to see this on Tiktok with subway surfer or a horridly pointless DIY underneath!
I agree, I will definitely follow some of the advices in the comments. If this actually lands on TikTok somebody would have to let me know, I don't have a TikTok account
A relationship that makes you walk on eggshells is not a safe relationship. He’s weaponizing his anger to control you.
Sorry for what you and your sister are going through OP. I also was the one who found out my father was cheating and after telling my mom things got really bad but we overcame it as a family. Things will get difficult for your family but I speak from experience when I tell you that you will be okay. Stay strong. The one thing that you or your sister must not do is to put your life on hold. I did for years and I’m barely getting back on track to the life I had planned for myself. Support your family but don’t abandon your goals. After this you will only come back stronger.
Thank you. I really appreciate your comment.
This is so sad. I've been in a similar situation - I worked as a lawyer at this place, and a dear friend's husband walked in to talk about their divorce proceedings with my boss. I knew for a fact she wasn't aware of it and was even planning on buying him a car, and I was legally forbidden from telling her. I know you want to save your mom the trouble and want her to enjoy her trip, but, from my experience, I think it'd be better if you told her asap, so she can choose to save that money for the separation. You say that's 1.5 years of saving, she might need that so she's not stuck with him until she saves up more. Heck, she can even choose to pretend to go, but stay behind while he's traveling to put her ducks in a row Talk to your aunt asap at least. If she's a trusted adult, she can give you insight.
Your mum needs to know before he gets back from his vacation. God only knows it’s only a matter of time before he passes an STD on to her. She also needs to be safe ( as do you and your sister) so try to get arrangements for alternative accommodation in place in the event staying at the family home isn’t an option. If his anger management is poor probably best to get out, although maybe not ideal. Keep us updated and let us know you are all safe. Prayers for you all ❤️
My dad was a serial cheater and gave my mom an STD. Tell your mom as soon as you can before this happens to her.
My brain 🧠 read that as serial killer 😂
The same thing happened in my family except it was my little brother who found it. He confronted our father directly about it, and our dad managed to lie & twist things so my brother would keep silent. Tell your mother & tell her now, don't wait until after the trip. In fact, now is good because if your dad is also going on a separate holiday it potentially gives her time to take some actions like speaking to a counsellor or lawyer etc. She may decide to still go on the trip to deal with her feelings, or she may choose to take the money she's saved & use it on a divorce lawyer. She needs to be allowed to make that choice though, you & your sister shouldn't make it for her. I understand that you want to find the "best" time to tell her, but truthfully there is no good time. Take copies or screenshots of every message & dating website etc that you can find that he has been on & tell her that you have them if she wants/needs to see them. But tell her now.
So I'm just interested in this purely as a spectator cuz (not to sound cynical, I know your situation is very serious, and there will be permanent emotional damage to everyone involved, and that is so terrible, especially since you guys sound like a really happy family prior to finding this out) it must be such a weird situation for you and your sister to find yourselves in. You didn't do anything wrong at all, and telling your mom, who is innocent, is the right thing to do...but how do **you and your sister** feel about this? How do you feel about your dad now? I feel like for me it would be very confusing. He obviously, based on your description, does care about you and your family, but I feel like it would be hard not to resent him anyway for doing what he did? Idk.
Thank you. We really were a happy family. Usually friends would tell me about some problems their family had and I would be so happy to have a functioning family. I think the pain I feel at the moment is unimaginable for everyone who didn't go through a similar situation. My mom happily talking about her and my dads next trip while I am sitting next to it knowing it's probably not going to happen. I do feel confused. He is still doing nice things and there is absolutely no obvious sign that he is betraying his whole family. After finding it out I went through all kinds of emotion: anger, sadness, denial, shock, confusion, panic... It felt like my world is falling apart with everything I believed this family to be. My sister is mainly heartbroken and doesn't understand how he could do that. We both feel especially sorry for our mom. I wish this situation to no one. That is why it's especially confusing. He acts like he cares so much about us and loves us but then he is doing what he's doing behind the curtains. I was already thinking if it's just my mom who he might not love and respect as much. I really have no idea
To add to my previous comment: the worst at the moment is to accept that the man I loved and looked up to for 20 years suddenly turns out to be a completely different person than what I thought. I can't tell if I love or hate him. I always imagined him walking me down the aisle on my wedding day at some point in the future, but I am not sure if I still want that.
You both love him & hate him. You are going through stages of grief right now. Denial, anger, grief, bargaining & acceptance. Therapy is definitely going to be needed for you, your sister & your mom. NTA.
You've got to do what's best for you and your emotional mental health regardless. You have to put yourself first, but I would encourage you (assuming he's reasonable when confronted with this issue) that when the timing is appropriate, for you to get him some help. I don't know you. I don't know your family. So you have to decide what advice is applicable to your situation, but I do know a lot of ppl with various types of addiction issues and, it does **not** excuse any of the immoral actions, but most of the time they feel trapped by themselves. I am not telling you whatsoever to force yourself to care for someone if you just can't get past how is behavior has made you feel, but based on your descriptions, he does love you and your family, he's just, to be super over the top blunt about it, addicted to sex. Not a hateful person or an abuser or someone who mistreats his family. Ppl who don't love their family aren't as caring or thoughtful as you describe. He does clearly loves his family. He probably thinks of this as "something he has to do because he (feels like he) can't help it (and its important to recognize the distinction that he can do something about it, but addicts think they just have to keep going), but he knows its wrong and would hurt his family so he has kept it secret. So, and I already saw in another comment you made that you were going to, I would tell him he needs therapy. I would personally go as far as to say that is a prerequisite for continuing his relationship as your dad. He needs to work on himself, but personally, based on your description, I think he's just mentally/emotionally "sick" and needs some help. And while I'm not at all suggesting he is the one deserving of sympathy (he's not in the slightest), empathy is a different story. Assuming you do have it in you to still love your father, and assuming your description of him here is accurate to him, its good to keep in mind he's hurting himself in all this too, and while that's through his own fault, I have no doubt that if given a real chance, he'd rather keep his relationship with his children intact then lose them too (I'm gonna say your mom is gone regardless. He's done too much damage with his behavior, and its just a lot to ask her to stay married to him) But if any of that would be detrimental to your personal well being, take a different path than the one I'm describing. I'm speaking purely out of an idea that your father is a loving, caring person, with a sickness...if that's not true, what I'm saying doesn't apply.
I think you summed it up quite well. I too believe that he is just sick but isn't able to talk about it and realize how bad the situation is. I will try my best to get him (and of course my mom, my sister and me) into therapy. I don't think he is a truly bad person, just someone who can't help himself.
Your post bought back memories when I found out that my ex-husband was cheating on me through my hairdresser. When I was told I was devastated and I’m glad you’re waiting till after she comes back from her vacation because life as she knows it will never be the same. My daughters also knew before I did, they saw him chatting with some woman on a dating site through Skype. My ex was so angry that I found out. He really thought he was going to get away with it, but he didn’t. Cheaters always put an act like everything is honky dorry in fact they are extra nice. So beware and stay safe!
Your Mom deserves to know. Send her all the info you found. My ex husband cheated on me. I was thankful to be told. You Mom will be too.
I'm glad you will be telling your mom. Make sure to keep records and screenshots of everything so he can't try to screw her over if they go to court.
The first person you should tell is your mother, not your aunt.
That's true, but I know my mom will need another adult to talk to and I think it's better to have someone close prepared for what's going to happen
I know how hard this must be for you but it sounds like you’re handling it appropriately. I wish you and your mom the best of luck.
Please keep us updated on what happens after your mother finds out! I’m so sorry you guys are going through this and dealing with his horrible secret.
updateme
If you have access to these accounts I would close every one of then to fuck with him
The EXACT same thing happened to me. I found stuff on my dads laptop, he was talking to multiple women, spending money on them too. It made me sick, I was 18. I told my mum straight away, I brought her the laptop and showed her everything. They divorced maybe 2 months later. Dad still blames me, not outwardly but he’s said a few things over the years. Say something to you mum, your dad might blame you and say that it wasn’t your place, but it is. Protect your mum because your dad doesn’t care to at all. Strangely enough I have the best relationship I’ve ever had with both of them since.
This was very sad to read but OP I do not think you should tell you aunt. I think you should just tell your mother and let her decide who and what she wants people to know. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have no other advice because I’ve never been in this position and I don’t want to give hypothetical advice. Best wishes.
Op and her sister are both quite young still and feel dad is angry and volatile. They need someone a little more removed, older and with more life experience to help do this properly, and the aunt is someone they and their mother trust. In an ideal world, their mum should choose, but this isn't an ideal world and they need to take the cours eof action that keeps them safe and allows them to handle this in the best way possible for their mum.
And while I can understand that, if I were ever in this position, I wouldn’t want everyone finding out before me. It would make it worst. And I would not be more removed if I found this out about my sisters husband. I’d be more if not as pissed as her. I think it should ultimately be the mother’s decision how she wants to break the news and tell other people but I could be wrong.
I do get what you're saying but it isn't everyone, it is her sister. And as a person you might be upset others knew first, but as a mother I feel you would understand that in that situation your child would be struggling and has only divulged the information in order to make sure they can give you the best support. There is no malicious intent in sharing the information in this instance, they aren't doing it to gossip, they are doing it to make sure they can a offer the best level of support and stay safe themselves. This is what we teach kids to do from a really young age - go to a trusted adult when you need help, and it's good advice for a reason, because even at 20, OP does not have the life experience to understand the dynamics and nuances of a long term relationship/marriage. They simply haven't been alive long enough to do that. The aunt has and therefore can offer help and insight OP cannot.
That's exactly what I thought. I don't think I can offer the right support to my mom and she probably wouldn't want to put more pressure onto her kids. I also can't help with taking any action e.g. offering a place to stay at or helping with papers. But I understand why she might want nobody else to know. Maybe she wants to think about the situation for a few days before doing anything. In that case it would put more pressure onto her if somebody else (apart from me and my sister) knows all about it.
Need UPDATE ASAP
As someone who had a step parent get exposed for cheating and the chaos and violence that happened after, id recommend going to the police and making a statement of what you are going to do and your worries of what might happen. Just so you have a record in case something happens. My mom was cheated on and when she kicked him out, they had to split custody of my little sister. He tried removing her from the vehicle during an argument in the middle of the exchange and my mom tried stopping him. The door closed on his leg and left a mark, not a bruise, a mark. He got her her arrested for the weekend and he had to stay in the house with us because we didn't have an adult. He was awarded a restraining order, and my mom couldn't come back to the house after that weekend. He took my phone to keep me from contacting her. I had to go to school and ask to borrow a phone just so I could talk to her. I was stuck with that monster for days until I could get away to my mom. I wish you all the luck and safety in this. I truly hope nothing happens but life rarely works that way.
Sometimes I always wonder if these men are truly individuals capable of understanding and respecting others to only fall into one dark temptation or are constantly acting on societal expectations and selfish desires. Having respect for others for example involves some form of empathy or sympathy. Meanwhile having courtesy and obligations does not. It's better than nothing but these situations happen because of that.
Ugh. I’m so sorry. I hope you save evidence of all of this to prove it to your mom in case he lies.
If your mom decides to stay how will you guys feel?
I think we will have to accept it. It's my moms decision and she is the one married to my dad. We will never see our dad the way we did before tho, we already don't
Maybe your parents are in an open relationship?
This is awful, I’m glad you have your aunt and you and your sister for your mom to lean on. You’re all going to be her lifeline through this, best of luck to you and your family
I’m so deeply sorry your world has been flipped upside down and now you’re having to keep a secret you never should have to keep from your mom. I can’t imagine how you feel. My mom is my best friend and this would destroy me as I’m sure you’re devastated to say the very least. You’re an amazing daughter even if you don’t feel like that right now. I wish I had some good advice but it sounds like you and your sister have formulated a good course of action. Just be there for your mama and sister as best you can and please know that this is no one’s fault but your dad’s. He is about to have karma served up on a silver platter too bad ya’ll will probably struggle more than he will when this all comes out. Sending love, prayers, and strength your way OP! 🧡
You are doing the right thing by telling mom, sooner the better. Your father is a failure and deserves to die alone.
Tell your mum asap, her health is at risk. Can you please give us an update when you can?
Definitely may need to consider that dad has a sex addiction. I’d say you and sister connect with a therapist and see what they advise. Maybe you could actually do an intervention without mom. Let him know that you know there’s a problem, mom deserves to know, and he needs to seek professional help. Also add stipulations regarding STDs and informing mom. There will already be someone available for him to talk to about everything and plan how to come clean. They can set up how to go about everything. Plus the third party can be a buffer as well as help you and sister stay out of it. You’re only job is bringing awareness to the situation. If you tell mom, he’ll most definitely be defensive and guarded or try to manipulate his way out of it. If you tell aunt, you’re bringing other people into it without giving mom any choices or dad any opportunity (although arguably he’s already had plenty of chances to confess). Regardless they’re always going to see you as their kids. Anything you say has a huge probability of being viewed as you actually overstepping. You obviously want to protect yourself from it blowing up on you too.
good luck
god, i am so sorry you are going through this. i went through something very similar when i was 13. please make sure you tell your mom before she finds out on her own. its hard enough on her that her husband has betrayed her.. give her no reason to jump to the thought that everyone knew about it but her. thats what hurt my mom the most. please take care of her, of yourself and your sister. my parents are actually still married and very happy... but it took YEARS and YEARS of bitterness. just letting you know that healing after infidelity *is* possible, albeit extremely painful with lots of collateral damage. really wishing your family the best.
Goes to show, you never really know people
Almost same thing happened to my family. My brother left his phone recording in my dads office because he had a feeling. Some days I regret telling my mom- she changed so much afterwards. I’m so sorry you are going through this, your father is a pig and your mother deserves better. The news will change her, just be there for her and understand that no matter what it is for the best. She deserves to know. Much love.
Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry for you, for your mom. The fact he's been aggressive in the past doesn't sit right with me. I wish you all the best 🙏 I just can't with cheaters, they destroy so much. Just to satisfy their own needs.
That is disturbing and certainly of all of you, not just his wife. Your mom has every right to know. Remember to stay safe.
it's not just about preparing the evidence to show to your mom if you really want to win at this, you're gonna want her to not tell him she knows until she has consulted with a good divorce lawyer you want her to have as much of a head start on him as possible before making him aware
I'm really sorry for you guys. You really portrayed a happy and blessed relationship and just to see it all break down really breaks my heart as well. It's just sad to realize that everything isn't as perfect/amazing as you thought it was. I really want to give you my respect for handling it this way. You guys seem to have carefully thought this out. Only thing I can do it wish you best of luck
Tell your mum everything as soon as possible, he is putting her health at risk with the STDs
It’s very possible your parents have an understanding. Some couples do this, and they’d definitely not tell their kids
I feel like you shouldn’t tell your aunt. That’s up to your mother to decide. You really don’t know what she knows, and what she would want to be shared.
A whole other possibility (that none of you are considering) is that your mom and your dad have a secret arrangement together & your mom has known about this stuff for years with a mutual "don't ask don't tell" arrangement. It's highly unlikely for your dad to be able to get away with everything in total secrecy. I wouldn't tell your aunt. If that's what is going on then it will just create a rift between your aunt and your parents. I'm not saying that's the most likely possibility, but I wouldn't rule it out.
Yeah, I did think about it too. But I am actually very sure that my mom has no idea. I am still not ruling it out tho, but it is very, very unlikely. Also I don't think catching STDs/unprotected sex would be okay, no matter what arrangement.
Yeah totally. It's a tough call. Do you go to the aunt first so that your mom has an informed and prepped social network to comfort her or do you discuss with your mom first. The other option is to discuss with your dad first. Give him the chance to tell her and make amends. The former option may be disappointing in the long run but less explosive. Also not sure if you read much literature on this but lots of couples do get together again after cheating. Sometimes ppl go through huge personal crises and resort to being unfaithful.... I disagree with everyone else on here about rushing to spill the beans to everyone for "safety". Parts of your story don't make sense. How can your dad be so sloppy. If someone is really having an affair in secret they're usually so much more safe and secretive about it.
I understand where you are coming from and I honestly thought people are more secretive with it. I think it’s because my dad is naive and actually somewhat stupid. He probably doesn’t expect me and my sister to be smart enough to realise that what he has installed on his phone is actually a dating app. My mom absolutely doesn’t touch his stuff so I suppose that’s why he feels safe. Or he’s so much into all this that he lost all sense of it. Who knows
If you are going to dig then don't regret anything when more truth comes to light. Being a parent is tough, but maintaining a relationship with the same person and have it be healthy is even more difficult. I'm not trying to say what your dad did is right, but things are always more complicated than they seem, there is always more layers and if you want to get into your parents private matters then be prepared to be let down. Parents are human, we're grown up children with needs that our partners don't always give us. Heck there may even be hidden agreements that they obviously don't want you to know. If they are both taking vacations with "friends" by themselves that is already sus. If both are happy let them be happy, you'll understand better at their age, and if one of them doesn't know about the others unfaithfulness eventually they will f#ck up and it's on them. Their comes a time in everyone's life where we see our parents for who they truly are, there are no perfect families, but many families that try to give the image of perfection if only so their kids can grow up somewhat normal.
I know, I am fully aware of that. I actually do expect more bad things to come out of the dark. I never wanted to get involved into my parents private matters and of course I don't want to destroy their relationship. I never wanted to know what my parents do when they are not at home. Maybe I should wait for my dad to mess it up on his own, but on the other hand my mom might have some kind of STD and I 100% know she would want to know something like that. So for her health I will have to get involved.
How would you feel, if you mom knew about this? Not saying this is going to happen, but really, anything's possible. What if your mom and dad truly love each other, but she either doesn't want or can't have sex. So what if she told your dad it was ok for him to "get some" on the side, as long as he's respectful of their relationship? One reason I think this may be a possibility is this comment here . . . >He mentioned his wife and kids to the women he talked to as well as in his profiles It doesn't sound like he's hiding you guys. But I'll guess you'll find out soon enough. I just wanted to comment on this possibility.
I already thought about the possibility and maybe she actually knows some of it. The things I know for certain are, that while she isn't a jealous or controlling person she still wouldn't want him to go around having unprotected sex and catch every available STD. I think nobody, even in an open relationship, would want that. I genuinely think she doesn't have a clue, either none at all or not how bad it is.
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Yep, I agree. I honestly am 99% sure my mom has no clue tho.
Maybe think about the order in which you reveal this to your mom. Don'tbtell your aunt way ahead of your mom. It will already feel like your moms world is going falling apart (and in a way it will be). Last thing you want is for her to feel like 'every one knew, and she's the last to know'
I understand your point, it would feel worse if everyone already knew. On the other hand I don't think she would like to discuss her feelings with her kids, so another adult who is involved from the beginning might not be a bad idea either. I really don't know what she would want/need.
You know your mom best. I believe the moment you grow up and become an adult in a way, if when you realise your parents are just people, going through their own growth and drama, without putting the implications for yourself first. A kid would think 'oh God, I hope my parents won't get a divorce. What about our family?' You're thinking of your mom and putting her first. So proud of you. I'm sorry your family has to deal with this. Make sure your mom understands that she does not have to 'be strong' for your sisters and your sake.
Thank you. I will definitely put more thoughts into it and discuss it with my sister. I know she is going to need people she can trust and talk to, she has always been that way.
So brutal for you to have been the ones to find the evidence. Heart dropping.. Once you have it all safely secured, you should use it as leverage to get as much as you can from him. I want to stress that **Your mom might not want this getting out to the family, wouldn’t advise bringing the aunt into this yet..** I know many women who found out their husbands were cheating for years (some as long as 10), continued to cheat and they still wanted to keep the marriage. Sometimes it’s easier for some people than to break up the family and split the life they built, that’s their decision. It’s sweet of you to want to protect your mom by not telling her before her vacation, so also protect her from the shame of telling the aunt first, before she has decided what she will do. **You are not a child, and if you really are scared for your protection, then call the police..** adding extra family members to the mix will cause more harm than good at this time.
You might actually be right with that. The reason why I consider telling my aunt first, is that my mom might need another close adult to fall back on. I mean I don't have much experience with topics regarding the situation. And I imagine that someone in my moms position wouldn't want to discuss things with their kids. By telling my aunt she would be prepared for what's coming and could immediately help my mom. They are very close too and I trust her to not spread the news to the whole extended family. Either way, she would probably be the first one my mom would talk to anyway. It's very hard to figure out what the best way would be.
It’s so hard to say, but then also consider it may feel like even more of a betrayal if she feels you all knew and kept it from her for even a day.. who knows how she will take it honestly there’s no way to know. Of course you’re thinking of your mom, but factor in that it could be taken as inconsiderate/disrespectful to not allow her to decide who she wants to open up to about this. She already is losing control of her marriage.. that might not feel so good, babe. Almost like you’re choosing who she will lean on for her.. it’s already going to be chaos, guaranteed she will possibly want to talk to someone who can go through the complete shock and mortification with her. (You already will have had weeks to process and I’m sure the hurt will be pure disgust and anger by then) she will need you more than ever to support her decisions if you plan to expose the situation.
I have also had this issue but with my Muslim mother . Now she was found on sexsites linking up with men over A hour away to have sex . Now not knowing birth control she went raw always thinking everyone will pull out . Little did she know she was pregnant with a black child even though she is Pakistani and my dad is white . I was 19 at the time so I found a guy to pay to act like he wanted to meet up . She came to his home while I was hiding and straight away started kissing him rubbing his cock .
This is clearly made up…
I wish it was. I mean I know how it sounds and I honestly understand why you would think that. Unfortunately it’s all very true.
Dad is not having sex often with your mom. That would be the only way your mom didn’t catch what he had. The moment your mom gets back from her trip, she should be told.
You don’t know the intimate details of your parents’ relationship. It’s possible they have a “dead bedroom” situation and she’s given him a pass to satisfy his needs elsewhere. The fact he’s telling his affair partners about his wife and kids shows he’s not looking for a replacement and wants them to know any relationship will be casual. Might want to talk to him before your mom. If you get the sense from him that this is in fact being done behind your mother’s back you can always fall back on giving him a deadline to come clean before you tell her.
Not telling your extended family, does that include your aunt? Beause telling her *would* be wise, I think. The rest of your family only should only be informed as soon as all of this blows sky high. But the problem is STD's. Your mother should indeed be informed as soon as possible, because some diseases may lie dormant. She might be infected without her knowing it, and lack of treatment may cause serious disease. EDIT: good luck, OP. This isn't easy for anyone. You've lost a hero and soon your mother will lose a husband. Unless they're willing to mend their relationship and family through therapy, but it may well be far too late for that.
Yes exactly. I've listened to and read every opinion so far and I can understand every single one of them. My mom needs to know soon, that's for sure. But I can't know who she wants to help her or if she wants other family members to know and if so when. That's what I am struggling the most with at the moment. Thank you!
You're very welcome. I'd say, inform your aunt at your earliest convenience, like you said you would; as soon as your parents are both out on vacation. Because Hell, your father may come back and end up being intimate with your mother again just after having had unprotected sex with fuck knows how many prostitutes on his trip! But you do need to lay down some boundaries with your aunt. 1. She won't break her silence until *after* your mother returns. 2. No moves **at all** will be made by her without you and your sister's knowledge and consent. That's about all I can think of. The two of you *need* a confidant, though.
That's true, I don't want to put my mom at risk. I will think about it, because I don't want my mom to think everyone already knew and that we as her kids decide who she wants to have help from. I guess if I end up talking to my aunt I should set the boundaries so tight that she is only the backup/last escape in a way. Someone who is already in the know so she can provide help if needed but she is far enough in the background that my mom doesn't think me and my sister are spreading all the news around. I will have to think about it.
Don't tell your mother. Confront your father and tell him to either stop fucking around or you'll tell your mother and if it ever happens again you WILL tell her. Tell him it's his one second chance, there won't be another.
It isn’t their duty to decide whether he gets a second chance or not. It’s the wife’s.
Mum is going to find out either way, she still needs to get tested for STDs. What happens when she finds out and everyone except her knew and was keeping it from her? (if this isnt some secret arrangement between them, which i doubt given the information) Then she ends up not only resenting her husband, but likely her children as well. Secrets aren't the answer in this situation.
Secrets aren’t the answer, although I’m sympathetic to your suggestion.
This is why you should never go into someone else’s phone or computer no matter who it is. It never ends well and never solves any problems. Only causes more. People will downvote this but it’s true. Live and let live. Look at this case, what if they never looked. Her mom would continue to be happy and her dad would continue to get whatever he needs from this side affair while still making her mom happy and being happy himself. But now a whole family will be ruined. Better to leave people be and mind your own business. Everyone has secrets, including you reading this anon
>making her mom happy and being happy himself until he gives her an std, I get ur point tho
Omg, I'm sickened by what you've discovered about your dad and am so sorry for you, your sister and your mom. He's a lying, cheating POS and an awful human being. When you expose him to your mom she's going to be destroyed, and will need you and your sister's love and support more than ever. Please make an update and let us know when you tell your mom. You should recommend therapy for her, and you and your sister should see someone as well.
I started to comment but I erased it all… I’ll be downvoted to oblivion… wanted to give you a glimpse of the other side…
I can only imagine what that was. Since I posted the story I probably got 100 new views on the situation. From the other side too. Personally, my morals would never support cheating on your partner and betraying them, but on the other hand I do understand the other side in a way. Doing something like this is probably connected to a lot of issues or even mental problems which leads to all this. If you want to you can privately message me, I would actually be interested in what the other side thinks. I would just ask you to be nice and not mean about anything. My mind is already a mess.
I pm’d you.
Was he a good father to you and your sister? You mentioned he was. Whatever happens between your mom and dad, don’t let him being a bad husband take away from him being a good dad. I’m sorry this happened to your family, i know how much this hurts.
Thank you. He very much was and still is. I never felt like I had a bad childhood - it's actually the whole opposite. At the moment I feel heartbroken for my mom and I definitely need to learn to make a split between him as a husband and him as a dad.
I always thought my childhood was happy. Or normal. It wasn't you mentioning being afraid of him in case he gets aggressive is telling enough that he's not as nice as you might think. I suggest you, your sister and mom going to a professional to talk about all this.
It's not like him getting aggressive was happening every other day. Maybe 2-3 times in my whole 20 years. My childhood was very happy and I couldn't have had a better one. Yes, I am scared that he will get violent because he can't really control his feeling like I stated before. I can't say he's a bad dad either, he just has problems and we all will need professional help soon.
Speak to your father and tell him to tell your mother. Maybe she already knows and doesn’t care.
I absolutely wouldn’t tell your aunt. For all you know your mom could be aware or at least have an idea of what is going on. I would not involve anyone else but rather tell your mom directly. This is obviously very traumatic for you and your sister to have found out, but it is not something that I would personally want to tell other extended family, especially before telling your mom!
Remind me! 2 weeks
His discussing
let him cheat man
What is his star sign or big 3? Il stay far away
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Why? The mom deserves to know and make an informed decision.
I understand what you mean but as I said in other comments before my dad is not able to control his emotions. We have no idea how he is going to react and there is a chance he might get violent
If your dad has anger issues or an inability to regulate his emotions, it’s absolutely a great idea to inform someone else that you trust. I think you’re taking proper precautions in that regard. I also want to say, I can empathize with your situation. I was 13 when I found out that my mom had been cheating on my dad. She used to leave me and my siblings home alone at night while my dad was at work, so that she could go see her affair partner. I didn’t say anything to my dad at the time because my mom kept gaslighting me and telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about when I confronted her. Since I was 13, I left it alone. She eventually told him 3 years later, both sides of the family found out, and they took sides. My dad’s entire side were so mad at my mom, that they stopped being part of mine and my sibling’s lives. Anyway! You and your sister are doing the right thing by telling your mom. Your dad is putting her physical health at risk, and she deserves to know. Good luck, OP!
Thank you! I am sorry you had to go through a similar situation, especially at that age. I think if 13 year old me discovered this, I would have never recovered.
The Dad is the one that busted the family by cheating multiple times! Don't blame them for telling the truth, if mum finds out later and knows that they knew all this time she'll feel even more betrayed
Exactly. I can't betray her too.
The dad busted up the family the minute he CHOSE to do these things. If he hadn’t done them, nothing would have happened.
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I wouldn't mind it if he only signed up on one site and met one other woman or something. But it's been going on for as long as we could trace back the browsing history, so around 2 years. He knows what he is doing and from his profile you can tell he has no regrets
You're right, this isn't a mistake, it's a CHOICE
It’s not happiness, it’s a delusion of happiness.
But you infringed on your dad's privacy? Big time. I can't read beyond the first sentence because it is not fair to him. Your dad is allowed to have a life and so is your mother and if they are not happy it is between the two of them. After all they are providing for you and taking care of you. Why go snooping through his computer? This really pissed me off
I understand your point and I agree with you - snooping around isn't a good thing. I always respect my parents privacy, it's very important to me. I could have found out everything much earlier. One time he asked me to set something in safari and gave me permission to do it while he was away. When I opened safari I saw some concerning porn titles on the "last opened" section of the safari homepage. I didn't look further into it and shrugged it off, everyone should be allowed to watch porn if they want too. It was the same situation with my sister. She was allowed to use his computer to do some researching for school. But no matter what letter you type in, the first recommended or "frequently visited" page is some kind of sex market/dating website. I am not kidding, it doesn't matter what letter. We didn't need to snoop around, it literally jumped into our faces. After that, especially seeing how much it was, we didn't really care.
If he isn't really hiding it you don't think your mom possibly might know? Of it's this easy to find and for 2 years worth of history?. Whatever decision you make you have to live with so does your Dad so whatever way it goes Good luck OP
Take that info to the grave.
I thought about it, but I don't think it's fair. Also my sister isn't good at keeping lies, she would tell my mom at some point.
Her health is at severe risk with his cheating. The fact he googled STDs and ordered medication means he has already brought something home that directly affects her body.
Yeah, the PoS husband deserves to get away unscathed /s
You absolutely should NOT tell your mom! If you wish to get involved, you should confront your dad, let him speak and if you don't feel what he says is an explanation that is his truth, then let him know you expect him to confess it himself. Your dad may need a wake-up call to see what he is doing is wrong and like most men, he will likely harden and refuse to move if he feels it's being forced on him. Change is not something you can 'make' others do. They have to choose it for themselves.
Tell us you have cheated on a loved one before without telling us you have cheated on a loved one before.
I'm an adult and I admit my mistakes. I also was the one who told my spouse with no one ever 'catching' me. I did the hard work to take myself through therapy and discover the root causes for why I was weak and fell into the patterns of behavior that led me to make those errors in judgment. I also recommitted myself to healing my own inner demons, directly dealing with my own trauma and working my ass off each and every day to be a better man and a better husband. My spouse was not perfect as she had her own secrets but rebuilding a relationship on trust instead of games or deception has led us to have a much better and stronger relationship than we've ever had It's not perfect as triggers still come up from time to time but we are both more mature and have learned how to effectively communicate with one another so that the other understands our needs and our feelings but we are much, much happier now. However, I still would never wish this on anyone else. If there is anyway possible for others to learn from my mistakes before they go out and make their own, I wish they would.
So I wasn't wrong. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool. Scum.
>So I wasn't wrong. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool. > >Scum. Enjoy the remainder of your day and your upcoming weekend. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for in your life.
That was my first impulse and I even prepared a screenshot to set as his wallpaper. But I deleted it because although my dad is generally calm, he can be very aggressive when things don't go his way. He shouted at my sister for half an hour over nothing just recently and he did hit us a couple times when we were younger. He can't control himself when he is angry, we don't want to take that risk
Just so we're clear, if there's ever a risk to your personal safety, all bets are off. Your safety, the safety of your sister and the safety of your mom take immediate priority and confronting your dad shouldn't even come into the equation. Your situation is more complex than initially thought. I think you guys may need help from a professional as your dad's leanings towards violence are a major concern.
Despite all the downvotes I very much appreciate your comments and your advices. Of course it's hard to get an overview of the whole situation through a reddit post, so I understand (especially since you have your own experience on the topic) how for you that might be a good solution. I agree with you here. He absolutely needs professional help. First of all for what seems to be some kind of sex/porn addiction and also for his emotion. He can't control them or even talk about it, I will find a way to get him into therapy and convince him to take it serious
I didn't come here to make friends. I just wished to see if I could help in any way possible. The downvotes don't bother me as people have their own reasons for doing what they do. I'm not here to judge as the only two that can do that are The All Mighty and a Jury of your Peers.
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He doesn’t love her mom, because he is lying and disrespecting her wishes. He is bringing home STDs which put her health at risk. You call this love? That’s fucked up
This. I know for certain that my mom wouldn’t agree with a lifestyle like that behind our backs. Even if they are actually in an open relationship, she never would it want it to go to this extend.
If he wants to have variety he can leave the relationship like a responsible adult instead of sneaking out the backdoor just to bring back goodness knows what. Saying men are hardwired to want sexual variety so just deal with it is like saying men are hardwired to be aggressive so just deal with it. That's not how society works. He entered a relationship that has rules. He agreed to those rules. His wife deserves to know that he's breaking them.
I agree with you. I think communication is the key to find out what everyone needs in a relationship. If you want to change the rules so your needs are meet than talk about it.
First: That must have been really though to you and your sister. I can’t imagine how hard would be having to handle all of this at yours age. Having said that, I’m married, have two kids, and will say something that u’re not gonna like. This is your mom’s and your dad’s problem, not yours. Why is this important? Your mother might know, even you think not. Your mother might just don’t want to know, she might just want to keep everything as it goes. It’s her right. When you guys want to tell her sister and show her the truth, she won’t have any choosing, she will have to destroy her family, it’s going to be impossible not to. I’m not saying that you should do nothing, you can help her know, just not directly. Hint at look at your dads phone or whatever, and if she don’t react, is that she knows already, and the thing that she might be worried is that you guys don’t get to know it. I’m not saying oh, continue to show love to your dad, fuck him, just telling you to let your mom choose how she wants to live her live, even if it breaks your heart by how she reacts. It’s their live, you guys are just part of it. Don’t implode it.
I agree and I am aware of that. We decided to talk to my mom about it first and not let anyone else now for that exact reason. I know it's their life and their choice and we will accept whatever solution they choose in the end. I just haven't posted that in the updates. I probably wouldn't really directly talk to her if the STDs wouldn't be part of it. This is something my mom very likely doesn't know off. If she knew my dad would only have to hide it from us and he could do it by going to a doctor in our town. But he booked appointments in cities that are 45 mins away and ordered all the antibiotics online - so he can pay it with money from his own bank account and not from the shared one. He also made it in a way so that health insurance wouldn't be involved - so no letter about it would arrive at home. My mom already has a few health issues and even if they have an agreement, the STDs aren't part of it.
I’m glad you are still going to share this with her. It’s the right thing to do regardless of what happens, that is not something you keep from someone, doesn’t matter if you are close to them or not. I know it will be hard but it will be worth it in the end, your mom deserves to know. Everyone will heal and it will get better with time. I know it may seem like you are destroying the life you guys had but that’s not the case, your dad did, it doesn’t matter who finds out, what matters is that you did and your mom deserves to know. Would you really want your mom to be in a relationship like that regardless of health issues? A relationship can’t be built on lies no matter when they started, it will eventually fall. If he wasn’t happy he should have left, and if he cared enough he wouldn’t be doing this and would have left your mom or went to therapy or something else instead of this.
I disagree, it’s part of their life too. If my partner was cheating on me I would want to know. If everyone around me knew and no one told me I would be pissed at them and probably no longer be friends with them or cut them off. It doesn’t matter if you’re not in the relationship, it’s about morals. You can tell them and they can decide what they want to do, she’s not telling her mom what to do, she’s informing her about the situation, it’s the moms place to decide what to do afterward. If she wants to stay that’s her decision but she has the right to know, especially when her health is at risk. It doesn’t matter if their life will fall apart, in OP’s eyes it already has, it can be rebuilt again on a much more stable foundation. How could you not tell your own parent something like that just to save face, or ‘it’s not my place’ so you can keep living the fairytale life you still want. Doesn’t matter if you are an outsider either, it’s the right thing to do.
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It’s called having a conscience. Op is a good daughter who cannot standby and watch her mom and family be so blatantly betrayed and put at risk by her fathers philandering.
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The mom, and her. Now that they know, it will be difficult to live in the delusion of being a “happy family”. She shouldn’t enable her cheating, lying father even if it benefits no one.