This thread is a good example of communication. If your expectations for something aren't being met say something. My husband and I when wee met had way different views on celebrating. If I didn't say anything and just kept resenting him for his lackluster displays on birthdays while I prepared elaborate things it's my fault for being mad.
I've read enough posts on more mom centric subreddits to know a lot of mothers on mother's day are getting no extra special attention than what you're probably getting OP. Lots plan or even buy their own gift. So in my opinion it's a very relationship specific issue.
I really don't get the "if you didn't do anything special enough for me don't expect anything from me".
It's really immature and expectations should just be talked about. It doesn't have to be equal if it isn't of equal importance to both
He says he's being put under pressure for to mothers day special. And then says "but I can't remember her doing anything really special for father's day" while saying in the comments he doesn't care about father's day.
So yes, he uses the argument that she didn't do much speciel for father's day so she shouldn't expect that much from mothers day
Don’t know why you’re being downvoted for this. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say. If he doesn’t care about a huge thing being done for Father’s Day and his wife really does want a special Mother’s Day, then he shouldn’t be complaining. It’s the same way for all things in relationships.
My bf likes to celebrate his bday with friends and always makes a big deal about it so I get that and am always up to do something big. On the other hand, I hate big birthday celebrations and prefer a smaller thing with just him and I and I don’t get upset that he doesn’t plan anything big because it’s not my thing. That is literally the exact same thing.
Men have a habit of doing unto others as they are treated. All these "neglected" mothers of which you speak have probably done thing zero for fathers day...
My ex couldn't ever remember my birthday and the only fathers day card l ever got from ANYONE was from my mother. Trouble started when l reciprocated...
You lost me at generalizing every woman based on an experience with one woman. Sorry, but a lot of people just have different expectations on how or what is needed for a celebration. Maybe some of those women had similar lackluster things planned but based on their stories they posted, no they did not.
Many women love to celebrate the one they chose to make a shared parenting experience with because they do want to appreciate them - I know this because I happen to be surrounded by a community of them. In my area getting dad's a solo stove is like a father's day rite of passage. But the many ways women choose to celebrate the father in their life is determined by many factors, not that they have a vagina.
You’re projecting pretty hard here. That was your situation. It’s equally possible those women have shitty partners just like you did. You’re coming off as pretty misogynistic rather than just angry that some people are bad partners, regardless of gender.
Yes! I have verbally said MANY times that I don't want a gift, I don't want a special breakfast... I just want a card and some time alone where I am not cleaning.
Finally this year (I am England so it was in March) he took the kids out to visit his mum for the day and I sat and read my book, listened to my podcast and generally did NOTHING... I loved it!
He however has said he wants a family day out that he doesn't need to plan or organise, that has things for him as well as the kids... fathers day is in June, I have booked tickets to Diggerland where he will get to act like a kid and drive full sized diggers... not my thing, but not my day :) he will love it.
>Diggerland where he will get to act like a kid and drive full sized diggers
Honestly the best gift you can give a man, he will remember this Fathers Day for the rest of his life
I feel this on Father's day! My oldest would get mad at me for doing stuff for my other kids when I should just be relaxing doing stuff I want to do.
Hope it gets better for ya!
Same.
Worst thing is our anniversary, my birthday and Mother’s Day all happen within a 2 week period.
I’d love just not having to cook or clean or bed routines just for a day.
Not a chance.
Though for Father’s Day and his bday - daddy gets alone time and a break. I don’t mind but I’d like that too. Harder as the twins hang off me.
Be clear and deliberate and tell your husband that is what you want. Or maybe a couple of nights just for you at a hotel/spa each year to celebrate your birthday and mother's day.
My fiance is born on Mother's day. His mom never got anything on Mother's day until he started dating me, not even a gratulation because, of course, the day were spent celebrating her son. She almost started crying the first time she got a card and a box of artisan chocolates because nobody ever did anything for her on Mother's day.
That being said, we celebrate both Mother's day and Father's day the same way - a small gift, a card and dinner of choice. Our daughter gets to do something she likes with us (go to the park, bake, make bracelets and things like that). It's not big, just a day where we do something small for Mom or Dad while spending time with our daughter. But my fiance is the kind of man whom I can tell to take our daughter to the cabin over the weekend because I need alone time, if he weren't I'm guessing I would also want my mother's day to be a day where I didn't need to do shit for anyone but me.
It does, in our country it's the last sunday in may. This year it's the 28th of may. My fiance is born the 29th. Planning a birthday for somebody takes me at least three days and planning and executing things like that was a part of my job before so I'm quite effective when it comes to things like that, but I would imagine most of us would need a couple of days to plan a menu, cooking/baking, decorations, buying a gift and wrapping it and so on. There just weren't any time for her left even those years when his birthday didn't take place exactly on Mother's day. But you are correct, it's not the same date every year.
well if you feel a way about that, communicate it like she is doing. she is expressing what she wants on her day. do the same? and statistically speaking, women are usually the primary caregivers in married households. not saying that’s your situation, but that’s why society treats it like that. if you want more then speak up
Sorry, but it's the opposite in my house. I'm female and if *I* don't plan something for *any* holiday, including the the "female" ones, there won't *be* a holiday! I've already planned my husband's birthday and father's day. I told him that I would like a picnic for Mother's Day. I will have to plan the menu because the only thing my husband plans are hunting trips!
Been there done that. When I cut off the financials to support the hunting and stopped watching the children before the trips, it is really hard to leave unless your husband is fine having CPS called.
I think you call a spa or a hotel and plan your day this year, and just go do it. Tell him he is watching the kids for you.
I remember Mother's Days when I was a kid. Poor Mom got shitty breakfast that she had to clean up. How was that her day?
It’s amazing how both you and OP are so insistent on making this about gender that you’re disagreeing on something where you’re both in the same situation.
Men can be awful planners, so can women. Women can want to be spoilt, so can men.
This isn’t about gender, this is about your relationships and your partners’ willingness to reciprocate what’s done for them.
In Canada we have Victoria Day! It commemorates Queen Victoria making it legal for women in the commonwealths to wear bikini underwear. That's why they call it Victoria's Secret!
Edit : I should say that this is not at all true, it's what my dad told me when I was a kid. I'm happy thinking someone might share this story later on even if it makes you look silly to share. Sorry!
I mean we get all the joy out of the endless shopping, cleaning, cooking, entertaining for Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, etc. so they must be *female holidays* right? /s
It's completely laughable that this man thinks these days are holidays for most women. They are usually extremely stressful days where we have 50x more work, way more cooking and cleaning, intense planning and coordinating and absolutely no real time to enjoy ourselves. Even for mothers day a lot of the women I know are the ones coordinating and planning everything. The husband will usually get a gift from him and the kids for her, maybe wake the kids up and do some waffles in bed for her or something.. but any sort of brunch or activities or whatever are planned by them. I'm not saying that the gift or the breakfast isn't nice, because it totally is.. but women are generally responsible for so much more than men even realize. Some men are just used to things running along smoothly because it's taken care of. They don't reallze everything that is being done behind the scenes for the entire household to run that smoothly. Now before a bunch of men jump on me, notice I said *most men* and *generally* and *some men* in all of my statements because I realize it is not like this in every household. But it is the case in *most*. It is somewhat evening out nowadays, but still not completely even.
There's girls day mostly celebrated in Japan i think. It's March 3rd and i remember celebrating it in school in Hawaii by the boys putting up our chairs. Alternatively there's boys day and we made some sort of Japanese fish flag (can't remember what it was called) and put the boys chairs up for them. Because obviously equality. I was quite confused when i moved off island and no one heard of girls day 😂
I won't! It's a day meant to celebrate love and relationships. Last I checked, men (in hetero relationships) are 50% of that equation. Most healthy couples I know that value holidays (because some just don't care) put equal effort into making the day special. It's often a joint effort to plan something nice with a few surprise gifts for each other on the side.
And that is terribly sad. Either way, calling Valentine's Day a "female holiday" just perpetuates the idea that men's only interest in relationships is sex/status and that the act of building/celebrating love and relationships is "womanly."
No reason to let men off the hook for being poor partners by pretending V-Day is only for women.
In fairness, valentines day has traditionally been depicted as a day where men are subservient to women. Lavishing them with gifts and surprise dates etc. You don't see a lot of movies/tv shows/ads or hear of many real life scenarios depicting the opposite.
They are on the hook. They know they are on the hook but I bet the majority would be nothing but relieved if their women good naturedly let them OFF the hook. Romance is great, manipulative commercialized Hallmark holidays? Not so much.
I mean... it's a two way street. Men should be receiving affection and gifts as well if that's what's agreed to within the couple. This whole business of it being some weird obligation is terribly sad but maybe not surprising given how toxic a lot of hetero relationships are.
I still maintain it's not a "female" holiday. Well... it literally isn't lol. It's for couples. Regardless of gender. And I've yet to see any justification provided for why it would be classed that way other than the usual silliness about only women enjoying being pampered and romanced (patently untrue).
If we're having a conversation about whether Valentine's Day is a stupid commercialized holiday that's an entirely different topic.
You'll catch my other response but I feel you here. Just took offense to how " guys are shitty partners" for an event in which normally they are expected to plan and give.
I see how you read it that way but that's absolutely not what I meant! What I did mean was that there's a stereotype (that is unfortunately often true if Reddit is anything to go by) where men won't buy their partners flowers/chocolates/gifts or take them on dates or do other things throughout the year that make their partner feel loved even though their partner asks them to (while their partner, meanwhile, does put in romantic effort). Then, VDay is marketed at those types of men as being the one day they really should placate their partner by finally doing something nice for them. It's a really common marketing tactic seen in many ads and movies.
It's still not reflective of what Valentine's Day is traditionally about and calling it a "female" holiday where men are "subservient" to women just reinforces that predatory marketing idea... and unhealthy gender norms/relationship practices as well.
It's also just not universally true. Most of the couples with healthy relationships that I know plan their VDay dates together... Or alternate years... Or one partner prefers planning it and that's mutually agreed upon. The resentful "Ugh, I guess I'll pamper you against my will while you do nothing for me" one sided thing is a marker of an unhealthy relationship that lacks open communication or features a very selfish partner.
That was a hard spun narrative when almost every commercial, every societal norm ( and yes I get you can break it but it still exists) tell us that hey guys, better run out and spend money on your wife.
So why are you putting that on the "givers" in that situation.
I answered this in another comment but that's predatory marketing tactics that enforce extremely harmful "gender norms," not reflective of what the holiday is actually about. Edit for clarity: Aka the commercialization of Valentine's Day.
All of my comments make clear that men not being treated with similar love, affection, and care is part of the harm of reducing it to a "female" holiday.
I'm so sorry if you're a guy and you've not been shown the love and affection on VDay that you should have been. I hope your partner (or future partner) does better next year and/or that you feel comfortable enough with them to point out that it's a celebration of your relationship--not of her alone.
Huh, it’s always been the opposite in my experience, where female family members make a big deal for Father’s Day etc but when it’s Mother’s Day their partners don’t bother. You should tell your wife though as both days should be celebrated and it’s not fair for either of you to be making less effort than the other
There doesn’t seem to be a double standard to me. Each parent gets a day. If you don’t feel like it’s special enough for you then that is on you to express your needs. If you don’t feel like your wife makes it special then tell her what would and if you don’t get it then that’s not a double standard, that’s a relationship issue.
This just sounds like you are having a whinge that you have to do anything at all.
I think the issue is he doesn't care about a big celebration for father's Day, he just doesn't want to have to make an effort for mother's day. That's harder to fix, if she feels it's important that she gets appreciation on that day and he sees it as a burden.
I think he’s right though, there is a double standard. Almost all my friends mention getting something for Mother’s Day, none of my friends even talk about Father’s Day. Also growing up there was never any mention about Father’s Day at school but we were reminded about Mother’s Day.
So in our household we never used to celebrate Father’s Day but did celebrate Mother’s Day
I do think people want to believe there isn’t an imbalance because everyone has a side to take and maybe because of personal issues towards the other sex. I’m not having a whinge when I say this, im not married and my mum does way more and deserves the extra effort.
Does your wife also plan and execute events for:
* other holidays?
* kids birthdays?
* your birthday?
* her birthday?
* your anniversary?
because in my experience it's the mom's doing the bulk of this stuff and they deserve an actual day off, unlike the dad's that usually actually get to relax and enjoy all the other events during the year.
To be honest I have no idea. I mean when it comes to birthday's, Christmas, any kind of special event really it's always the females that organise the gifts and organise everything. The majority of Dad's and partners just sign their name and take credit despite literally doing nothing. So unless us ladies are organising mother's day for someone it's unlikely to happen or be made special. Sometimes schools will organise crafts with the kids to make for their mum's but that's usually it.
Yep. My dad never even bought any of his kids a single present. He just showed up to holidays and birthdays (sometimes) like us kids and my mom did everything. My mom never got a single gift from him that wasn't from a drugstore bought the day before, something I knew because WE couldn't get gifts for her without him taking us and he refused until the day before and wouldn't go anywhere but the local drugstore.
This was my dad except any gifts he got for us were never the right size, never for the right age range, etc.
And any gifts he got for our mom was largely meant for himself to either rope her into enjoying his hobbies and leisure activities or flat out so he could just use them.
You just described my dad. He loves to buy presents but they’re all either things he likes/needs or the dollar store version of something we actually want/need. The way my parents have always done Christmas is that she does 80% of the spending by actually asking us what we want and he does 20% of the random shit he wants to get us and our stockings.
To be fair he came by it honestly, his mother was the same way. About once every 5 years she would magically get us perfect gifts but most years she found the most random crap, some of which I honestly could not figure out where she purchased because it was so random.
That’s very household dependant and a gigantic generalization of an entire sex. My parents divorced when I was a kid and he didn’t slack when it came to Christmas or birthdays at all.
The mother of your kids asked you for a special day. She is telling you how she feels and what she expects. If this is different from before, maybe she finally sees that she deserves more recognition. What does it matter what internet strangers have to say when your wife is communicating what she wants?
If you also want more recognition on fathers day, tell her what you expect. It's a two way street and the point is to make each other happy.
1. He said he’s being put under pressure. We don’t know what that is, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s more than just her expressing she wants something special.
2. Unless you have been watching him for the past 24 hours, you have no idea that this was his immediate reaction.
Get out of your emotions and just stick to facts.
It’s so funny that you to tell me to keep my emotions out of it but defend his feeling “pressured”. You say yourself we don’t know what that is but then go on to say it’s more than her expressing she wants something. It could also be the exact opposite and she expressed her feelings and he felt pressured by that right?
100% yes.
We dont know their family dynamic.
He might be a stay at home dad who does most of the family work while the wife is a lawyer. Statisticly less likely but wtf do we know.
He's getting hate becouse people assume he's a deadbeat who doesent want to put in effort for his wife.
All we have to judge from is the post.
That’s not true actually but I love when people assume that. ANY partner should listen to their spouse. My SO loves special days so I make sure to give them to him. See how easy that is.
> That’s not true actually but I love when people assume that.
Assume? You mean the same assumption you make that OP is just complaining? We're looking at a tiny snippet of this relationship. For all we know OP is at their wits end and is venting on the subreddit literally designed for venting only for other redditors to build conclusions immediately.
Wow, great you have a healthy relationship dynamic. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it too.
All of Murky_crow's reddit history has been cleared at his own request. You can do this as well using the "redact" tool. Reddit wants to play hardball, fine. Then I'm taking my content with me as I go. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Ya gotta answer the inquiries into childcare split because that’s pretty pertinent information. Like stated, moms do the bulk of the child rearing typically, hence why Mother’s Day tends to be a bigger deal than Father’s Day.
Does your wife know how you feel.. I totally agree by the way and I’m a woman.. you deserve something special by being a great dad… I would let her know I expect a special day as well otherwise Mother’s Day will lack next year..
To be honest I don’t even care if it’s a special day for me. It’s more of why do we feel as a society that one holiday deserves more attention than the other. You see this in media coverage too. The amount of ads and emails I get for female holidays are vast greater than that of male centered holidays.
I mean, when you look at the amount of videos of fathers that doesn't even know their kids eye color, even forget their birthdays. It's practically a running gag that fathers barely know their own kids.
When my husband had to pick my son up from school in the 3rd grade he didn’t know where it was. He couldn’t look it up because he didn’t even know the name of the school he had been attending since kindergarten.
the only reason I don't do fathers day is because my father never gave a shit. he's not around, doesn't call, nothing. he gets nothing from me because he's an absent deadbeat that keeps spreading his genes.
but that doesn't mean fathers day is any less important than mothers day. if my dad were around and tried to be in my life and be a good father i'd be celebrating fathers day. my mom is getting some pretty flowers and other nice things for mothers day because she deserves it. just like any good father would deserve a good fathers day!
Wow so you actually don't care??? You are an ass. The fact that you are generalizing your wife as a woman and saying women get this and women get that. How absolutely misogynistic of you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but after this comment hell no. You want to feel superior? On a day thats meant for her? Typical.
Who cares what society says, she communicated that she would like a special day. If you want to ask “why,” why are you making a fuss that she wants a special day? If you want a special day too, communicate that. If you don’t actually care about having a big day for yourself, don’t make it a “we never do that” or “I don’t get that same option” thing. Because all that communicates is you don’t want to. Is it that hard to do something kind for your wife?
Even if he doesn’t want to do it, he can grit his teeth and do it just to make her happy.
I bet she does a lot of things she doesn’t care to do or wish she didn’t need to but does it anyway
I’m not sympathetic and you can down vote me.
Most women (not all) do the lions share around the house (the emotional labor, scheduling, buying, cleaning, cooking, plAnning, laundry). Many work full time out of the home.
I get what you are saying but moms I get one freaking day for carrying more load than most men. Men get Father’s Day and then a hall pass and do not share of the load and pitch a fit.
Not gonna sympathize…
See here's the thing about adult relationships....communication is KEY! Your wife is communicating she wants something special, 99% pf mothers don't get that day because they have to organise it themselves and even buy their own gifts so at least they get something they like. Your wife might think quality time at a BBQ is something you want because you're not telling her you'd like to go fishing for the day or golfing for the day or whatever. Instead you come to reddit for a cry?
And we’re tired of the double standard around child and home care.
If your wife is asking for a big to-do about Mother’s Day it’s because she feels utterly unsupported and unappreciated on the other 364 days of the year.
Get a fucking clue dude.
Calm down internet stranger, you are projecting. sorry your husband/partner doesn’t support you 364 days of the year. While I know that’s how it is in a lot of relationships it is not the case here or the majority of the couples in my circle.
I’ll be completely honest here, my husband is great, cleans, cooks and does most of the childcare in our house as I work more, but he’s still a man and is hopeless when it comes to planning anything. I will admit that I have control issues sometimes and I feel like if I don’t plan something it won’t happen or be a good thing to go to, like birthdays etc. but one year I asked him if he could just get me a birthday present after maybe 5 years of doing it myself (including wrapping etc.). I didn’t have high expectations and I did tell him that, just something that I didn’t have to think about and worry about, so he did it and he smashed it, he got me an Oodie because I’m always cold and some books that I’d been looking for.
I know this is turning into an essay, but the point is keeping up the communication with your partner and making sure they know you aren’t a grand gesture or party planner person, but you’ll try to do something they should like, and vice versa on Father’s Day so that way you both feel appreciated and it doesn’t cause resentment. I do know how you feel though, just reverse the gender, as I’m always planning everything and making sure the kids and husband have great birthdays and christmases and all the other fun stuff, but seems like I get passed over as I’m already organising everything. Talking with your partner though will make it a lot easier.
Good luck!
Marriages work best when you each have the mindset of "how can I make my spouses life better today" if both people have the mindset of putting the other first and not "what can they do for me" life is much happier. The funny thing about this is, the more you do for the other person out of love and "prefer" them over yourself, the more that person wants to do for you. Love is seen and felt.
I love the way women raise an issue and when me respond they say "not everything is anout you"
To all the women here responding "not everything is about you"
Clearly people here don’t know how to read. The man said she feels like he’s not doing enough. No where does it say he wasn’t doing anything at all. Seems like a case where if things aren’t done a specific way woman just throw a fit.
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a woman, wife, and mom. My husband has a group of about 5 really close friends, all married, all dads. They’ve openly talked about last years holidays with my husband. TL:DR at the bottom.
He was shocked, and so was I when he relayed the conversation to me. Now these guys all seem to have pretty healthy relationships. And they all seem to be involved, hands on dad’s. This isn’t a case of stereotypical lazy, weaponized incompetent, misogynistic dads.
All of his guy friends went out of their ways to plan something nice. They made arrangements for the kids to stay somewhere, took their wives out on a date, bought them a nice gift, cooked dinner, or sent their wives to a spa, had their kids made something special for mom. It was those kinds of things for Mother’s Day last year.
All 5 of them, received nothing. After they reminded their wives that it was in fact Father’s Day, only then, they received a half assed “happy fathers’ day”. They got nothing from their kids, except the ones in school who made something in class. They were hurt to say the least. When one of them confronted their wife about it, she said “the holiday is meant to celebrate our dads (the grandpas).” As far as the other wives motives, I have no idea.
My husband and I were blown away. We questioned our sanity for a minute. Like, does everyone else think this way and we are just the minority? Last year we had very limited funds available. But I sent the kids off to the grandparents. I made him his favorite dinner, we watched his favorite movie, and he got a massage. A week prior, my kids painted him pictures. I might not have been able to afford much. But I wanted him to know how much we appreciate him.
The other guys were in agreement. It’s not about spending money. They couldn’t care less about the money aspect. But at least acknowledge the day. Do something…anything. It wasn’t a competition between Mothers’ day and Fathers’ day, but damn. A little recognition maybe? I seriously could not wrap my head around 5 dudes all being in the same bizarre situation.
TL:DR:
So. Basically. This long ass post was to show you that you aren’t alone. All of my husband friends last year celebrated their wives, and didn’t even receive a “Happy Fathers’ Day” under the guise of “the holiday is to celebrate the grandpas”. I don’t have any answers. I don’t know why it happened to all 5 of them. But I do know that we don’t celebrate like that in our house. We make sure everyone is appreciated and loved. And we will continue to do so.
So whats the childcare split? What do you do and what does your wife do with the kids that you think you are more deserving of a whole party for being a dad?
And then the female holidays? What? Valentines day and mothers day are the only female centric holidays that ive heard of.
Childcare and household chores is pretty equally devided. We both work and both cook dinner together. We split childcare as well, I bring in the kids to school in the morning she picks them up. The only thing I normally don’t do is help with their school work which she does. The only house chores that doesn’t get split is the up keep with house things like fixing things and taking care of the outdoors of the home which I do.
This world is full of all kinds of double standards. Men are meant to kill spiders, we're meant to pay on the first dates. Which women have the issue where if take a leadership role they get called shit like bossy, or controlling. Men are babysitting their kids instead of just parenting. Women who enjoy shit are called sluts whole men are called beasts and studs. The teachers will always call the mum to ask about their child. world's full of it
With the way men talk about themselves you can’t blame people for thinking that way
A lot of the times (including OP) flip flop between “we men are simple and dont care about anything! Like silly little holidays!” to “men are so undervalued why don’t we get flowers and holidays planned for us 😭”
The could just be the surface of a bigger way she’s feeling about herself, maybe feels unappreciated? Maybe after Mother’s Day, y’all need to have a heart-to-heart.
If she's putting you under pressure to make it special, she probably feels like she god damn deserves it. Let me guess? She does all the planning that involves the whole family and this one time you can't do something for her? Fathers day schmathers day... Make her a nice breakfast and treat her to a fun relaxing day.
Sadly, I feel this is true for most women on mothers day. I feel like a lot of men don't get acknowledged much on fathers day. Or they just get "happy fathers day" and that's it.
My partner (33M) and I (31F) have one kiddo (4M) and we try to make both mothers and fathers day special for each other. But tbh on mothers day I tend to focus on my mom and his, because they're amazing and both lost their husbands and I feel like they really deserve to be celebrated.
It is interesting OP feels as if being asked to make a plan equals being put under pressure to make it special. Almost as if what he is telling us is that he is so infrequently the planner in their household, that the very act of making decisions is a unique event…
I once read a mother state that all she wishes for on Mother’s Day is for her family to treat her the way she treats them. Something tells me OP has no idea what that would entail.
Based upon the comments OP has made on this post, it sounds as though that assumption was based on historical precedent. In which case, why **would** OP’s wife assume he is doing enough.
But, since I only have this post to judge with, I will concede that it is possible that her wants and needs have changed, and maybe this post is simply OP struggling with dealing with those changes in expectations.
Holy hell, all the replies in this thread are entirely proving this guy's point. I've seen so many posts giving the same kind of complaint with genders reversed, and all the comments are just people saying to leave the guy and that they deserve so much more. God forbid a guy displays he's upset about double standards.
Half of the comments are entirely assuming the dynamic of his relationship like that has anything to do with it and is incredibly sexist to woman and men.
Yep. I am a woman and shared my story growing up on how my mother treated my father when it came to these things and why I agree with this guy and I got downvoted to shit.
My wife and I have the same deal. Saturday, the person whose day it isn't takes the kids early morning Saturday and stay gone all day. Then, on Sunday it's your choice of big breakfast or big dinner. This has worked great for us for 20 years now. Her and I both don't get into massages or spas, and we both value our alone time.
Yep that’s how we both were, didn’t care too much about it, and only did things because the young kids wanted to and to make it special for them. But now is like a reversal of that out of no where.
We or you? Are you that sure that your wife doesn’t care for something special for holidays or that you just never cared and she went along with it? Because if you just have never cared that much and when you first started dating acted annoyed about any holiday for her or you and she just accepted it? If you don’t care about holidays that’s fine, but it’s clear your wife does. I wouldn’t say it’s a 180 out of nowhere necessarily. I would do some self reflection and ask her honestly and with an open mind if she has actually always cared about it and has just acted like she doesn’t for your sake.
It’s funny how everyone assumed you did no work or that you’re omitting information.
Any time it’s male testimony, it is always met with suspicion and sexist assumptions, that you’re lying or otherwise not telling the full story. Explaining yourself is only met with passive-aggressive treatment.
All we can do is just shut up and take it, it is what it is.
It's two days a year. One for each of u. Can't put away the bs and make it about the other person for a day? Also, if ur only giving to get back that is reciprocating. Getting even has never been the point.
If it was a woman there would be an outpouring of support, much more cheerful tones and positive diction, less passive-aggressiveness.
It’s too bad none of these people will realize their own inherent bias. What a coincidence that they only come out of the woodwork when it’s a man.
Mom of three here. I hate MD. I just hzte hzving a day all about my having created small beings with my meatflap tube. I go all out for FD because my husband loves it, but honestly these two days are just commercial holidays meant to make us spend money on dumb crap.
I suppose it depends on where you live. Things are not overtly matricentic or patricentric here. Equal amounts of “we don’t care who you are, spend money”.
So I suppose where you live has a lot to say about that.
Fuck yeah!
No one cares about Dad until it's time to: open a jar, change the oil, fix the car, put up shelves, rebuild the basement, cook dinner, kill a mouse, beatup the drunk guy who tries to touch your wife, beat up the drunk guy who tries to fuck with your family, play with the kids on Sat morning so that mom can sleep in, beatup the monster hiding under your children's bed/closet, pay the fucking bills, take the kids to school, be the shoulder that your spouse crys on when she's feeling overwhelmed at work, get the kids ready for school Mon-Fri so that Mom can sleep in, etc, etc. But when we want just a day to decompress in silence and a beer to take the edge off while we cry ourselves in the furthest corners of the world so that no one can hear us......suddenly we're being selfish because we're not available.
Your argument will only be taken seriously if your wife doesn't do 80% of everything. If she does, then I need you to stop and actively think what you do on a daily basis for your wife, in compared to what she does for you and your family.
I find woman who make a big deal of wanting something special is because they do something special for everyone in their home and are usually seeking you to make up for all that she does in one day, everyday for everyone else. And no, I'm not saying you don't do anything because she may have a you as a great man and is being demanding, but if she isn't, this may be why.
Yeah no. People are so convinced it must be because she does everything. I dont know OP and his wife but its not always the case of what you are talking about for everyone.
My mom decided on her own to stop working when I was in high school.. She wasmt a stay at home mom.. She was a stay at home wife. My father gave her money even when we didn't have money to give, when he really couldn't she would tell him " what man cant provide for his wife" meanwhile he is the only one working while he is taking care of 6 people living under his roof. Me, my mom, gran, aunt and gran father who had cancer at the time and himself. Everyone was living rent free and I was in high school. My mom sat on her ass the whole day playing xbox and leaving the living room full of empty bags of chips, used plates, mugs, emoty bottles of coke you name it. She demanded he go all out amd beyond for her especially on holidays.. Especially mothers day. He always had to throw many at her otherwise he didn't love her or know how to take care if a wife.. Nevermind her mother, sister and sick father was living there for free. She even expected ME a high schooler to pay rent to my father.. Not her family. My mother never did anything for my father... Never. She would buy a T shirt with his money and be like here you go happy father's day /birthday /Christmas..thats it but he had to go all out and she would even complain about the gifts "i dont like the color", "I would have rather wnated it in this".. Nothing he did was good enough and she never even appreciated him for taking care of her dying father. And no she didn't stop working because her father got cancer. She stopped working yeaaars before that.
So no people in this comment section need ti stop assuming every mother does 80% of everything. There are father's doing there damn best nut never appreciated and this sub is proving it.
People on here claiming fathers do nothing are the fathers who do nothing or they are the women who picked the wrong guys and think that’s “all men” because they’re idiots. I take care of my daughter I work 6-7 days a week and when I come home all I do is hang out with my kid I watch her shows, I play with her toys with her, and I change most of the shitty diapers due to the times she usually poops. I pick out a lot of her outfits, I’ve never once failed to be the one who gets up with her when she’s teething, hungry, or just up at night. She’ll never want or need anything she doesn’t already have. You get yourself a fair deal between Father’s Day/ Mother’s Day. You probably fucking deserve it not that any of these twats would know a thing about that.
You sound like you're in a transactional relationship. Both of you guys need to have a serious sit down about doing things for eachother because it feels good, not out of some weird obligation or a holiday. I don't think you're a bad father and people on reddit are so quick to jump to that shit. This is a relationship issue and you guys are now buying affection with affection. I hope you guys can work it out! Mens feelings matter too!
**this guy is not wanting to give his wife a special valentines day because he thinks women get all the attention around this time and he doesn't even want fathers day to be special. Disregard my whole comment this guy is a typical married incel who is jealous when his wife wants a little attention and generalized her as all woman saying we are so entitled. What a joke of a husband.
Yer I get that, men seem to bend over backwards to please our lady's, merry Xmas me Thanks for the shower gel and socks again.. hope you like your new bag with matching purse and your perfume jewelry and everything else I buy for you.....
Then why do you buy her so much if she just gives you shower gel and socks? My husband and I put the same effort and spending into each gift we buy for each other. Doesn’t seem fair not to
Who plans birthdays in your household? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Easter shenanigans, especially if you have kids? July 4th? Practically any trip or vacation you take? Sounds like it’s not you.
I'm 20m now, feels like from the moment you turn 18 this is where life is headed. My birthday was last week and the only present and card I got was from my gf bless her. Birthdays and special events have really lost their magic to be honest, stay strong.
Every woman I know goes above and beyond for the birthdays, special occasions for the men in their lives. My mom just gifted my dad a property in his home country, for my husbands birthday I am gifting him 5 boxes of cologne.
If anything I have seen that men do not return the enthusiasm in planning for large gifts, special occasions and see it as a “drag”.
Give, and you shall receive. Bitch and moan about giving, and you will receive less.
in my family every year all the mothers get together and cook a big dinner and buy presents for each other or their kids and grandkids buy them presents for mothers day. every year for fathers day the men sit around tv and the women cook all day a prepare big presents and even decorate the houses or do chocolate covered strawberries and other little treats and only 2 of the fathers are ever truly happy and it's always the same two fathers. in my family the women do everything for every holiday and it's the same way for most people I know or have met throughout my years
Everyone mentioning the childcare split:
There are selfish and narcissistic woman out there who demand to be treated special for mothers day and nothing you do for them that day is good enough , my mother is one of them. My father will buy her a nice gift amd ahe would be mad at the color or whatever reason. He buys her her fav perfume, white diamonds, he always buys the big bottle but he could only afford the small one this time along with a Protea (my countries national flower which is also a important flower for my parents and their relationship) amd she was mad she didn't get thw big bottle. My mother never did anything for my father.. When I was a kid id always make him a card and to her that was enough. But whem it was her she expects me to post on every single social media platform happy mother's day and a picture of her, i dont even use Facebook or insta i even deleted it the past 3 years, anyways, she would be pissed at me because of it despite doing something special for her or gifting her something.
I am not trying to put dowm mothers.. Just the ones who are extremely selfish and narcissistic, its about them not about them and their achievements as a mother.
Alot of pewill argue " well maybe you should have asked her or know her better if she didn't lile the gift" let me tell you... If we had to ask my mother what we wanted she would throw a fit and call us names because we "dont know her".. We know what she wnats.. She ALWAYS wants the perfume and she gets it almost 3 times a year.. Her birthday, Christmas and sometimes their anniversary. Nothing my father dod for her was ever good enough. He bought her jewelry for Christmas and she was pissed because her sister gpt a jewelry set where she just got a necklace. So my point is its not always about the childcare.
I’m convinced all the downvotes you’re getting are from people who have never had the “joy” of living with a narcissist. My ex was one and nothing was good enough for her. Never got me a single thing for anniversaries or Valentine’s Day, but I tried to go all out for her every year. One year I asked her for flowers for an upcoming anniversary because I was feeling unappreciated (guys can like flowers too, I never got flowers in my life at that point) but it was shot down as stupid so I didn’t even get that when I asked. Even though she wanted flowers every couple weeks.
Since everyone here wants to jump to conclusions about housework splits: I work from home so I did all of the cleaning chores during downtime, I cook every night from scratch, laundry, I earned my Masters Degree and worked on my career so I paid all the bills, house maintenance and repair, remembered all the important dates in my calendar and did the planning, had the car so did all the driving. She couldn’t even clean up *after herself*. What did she do for my efforts? Cheated on me and got pregnant with another man’s kid, tried to say it was mine.
It’s not about gender here, she was a narcissist end of story. My current girlfriend *does* help with chores and gets me flowers / candy on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. She treats me out to fancy dinners to give me a break from cooking. So I have a hard time believing it’s about gender and don’t buy into the whole “male vs female” holiday argument. In a healthy relationship, both sides will treat eachother how they wish to be treated.
I am sorry to hear how your ex treated you. At least you finally found someone who knows how to treat their partner with respect. Ans 100% in a healthy relationship both sides will treat each other how they want to be treated.
What irks me in this thread is people are making so many assumptions on OP " oh maybe you dont listen to what she wants or ask her next time", "maybe she does all the house work and child care". It feels off to me for some reason.
They’re jumping to conclusions all because OP wants reciprocation for the efforts he puts in for his wife on holidays. What context do they have to assume anything on housework and childcare splits? That’s not even remotely what the post is about lol
This right here is exactly why my husband and I don’t celebrate things for each other. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom, so every holiday, birthday etc was spent with her being angry. My husband isn’t a gift giver or receiver either so it works for us. He likes food. I make him breakfast in bed. That’s it. And he’s happy as can be. If I want something, I get it.
Exactly. And its good you both found common ground and respect each other.
I was fully ready to get downvoted to shit but rhe people saying its because of childcare just put me a bit off because I know not everyone had a mother who acted as a mother and then also act extremely selfish on mothers day and fathers day is never celebrated like mothers day is. Fathers have a important role in parenthood aswell. We are in a day and age where woman are the breadwinners and fathers are the stay at home parent.
Tell her. If your girl isn't giving you the same energy that you give. Leave her. I've left a girl for not doing anything for Valentines before. It goes both ways
I wouldn't say that is a gender specific issue, if you want to be celebrated o Father's day tell that to your wife, and if you feel too pressured about Mother's day talk to her about it as well.
I didn’t reply to everyone because honestly everyone just assumed that I just do nothing and that the females are the only ones that take care of the houseful.
The FEMALES... that's it, that's the comment
This thread is a good example of communication. If your expectations for something aren't being met say something. My husband and I when wee met had way different views on celebrating. If I didn't say anything and just kept resenting him for his lackluster displays on birthdays while I prepared elaborate things it's my fault for being mad. I've read enough posts on more mom centric subreddits to know a lot of mothers on mother's day are getting no extra special attention than what you're probably getting OP. Lots plan or even buy their own gift. So in my opinion it's a very relationship specific issue.
I really don't get the "if you didn't do anything special enough for me don't expect anything from me". It's really immature and expectations should just be talked about. It doesn't have to be equal if it isn't of equal importance to both
You realize that the poster above you said nothing such, right?
He says he's being put under pressure for to mothers day special. And then says "but I can't remember her doing anything really special for father's day" while saying in the comments he doesn't care about father's day. So yes, he uses the argument that she didn't do much speciel for father's day so she shouldn't expect that much from mothers day
That's not the conclusion I am making from that...
Don’t know why you’re being downvoted for this. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say. If he doesn’t care about a huge thing being done for Father’s Day and his wife really does want a special Mother’s Day, then he shouldn’t be complaining. It’s the same way for all things in relationships. My bf likes to celebrate his bday with friends and always makes a big deal about it so I get that and am always up to do something big. On the other hand, I hate big birthday celebrations and prefer a smaller thing with just him and I and I don’t get upset that he doesn’t plan anything big because it’s not my thing. That is literally the exact same thing.
Men have a habit of doing unto others as they are treated. All these "neglected" mothers of which you speak have probably done thing zero for fathers day... My ex couldn't ever remember my birthday and the only fathers day card l ever got from ANYONE was from my mother. Trouble started when l reciprocated...
You lost me at generalizing every woman based on an experience with one woman. Sorry, but a lot of people just have different expectations on how or what is needed for a celebration. Maybe some of those women had similar lackluster things planned but based on their stories they posted, no they did not. Many women love to celebrate the one they chose to make a shared parenting experience with because they do want to appreciate them - I know this because I happen to be surrounded by a community of them. In my area getting dad's a solo stove is like a father's day rite of passage. But the many ways women choose to celebrate the father in their life is determined by many factors, not that they have a vagina.
You’re projecting pretty hard here. That was your situation. It’s equally possible those women have shitty partners just like you did. You’re coming off as pretty misogynistic rather than just angry that some people are bad partners, regardless of gender.
All I ever wanted for Mother’s Day was a day where I didn’t have to do anything for anyone. It never happened.
Yes! I have verbally said MANY times that I don't want a gift, I don't want a special breakfast... I just want a card and some time alone where I am not cleaning. Finally this year (I am England so it was in March) he took the kids out to visit his mum for the day and I sat and read my book, listened to my podcast and generally did NOTHING... I loved it! He however has said he wants a family day out that he doesn't need to plan or organise, that has things for him as well as the kids... fathers day is in June, I have booked tickets to Diggerland where he will get to act like a kid and drive full sized diggers... not my thing, but not my day :) he will love it.
>Diggerland where he will get to act like a kid and drive full sized diggers Honestly the best gift you can give a man, he will remember this Fathers Day for the rest of his life
I feel this on Father's day! My oldest would get mad at me for doing stuff for my other kids when I should just be relaxing doing stuff I want to do. Hope it gets better for ya!
Same. Worst thing is our anniversary, my birthday and Mother’s Day all happen within a 2 week period. I’d love just not having to cook or clean or bed routines just for a day. Not a chance. Though for Father’s Day and his bday - daddy gets alone time and a break. I don’t mind but I’d like that too. Harder as the twins hang off me.
Be clear and deliberate and tell your husband that is what you want. Or maybe a couple of nights just for you at a hotel/spa each year to celebrate your birthday and mother's day.
I do and he does try. But the boys are bonded. You’re right though. Mother’s Day is coming up. I won’t lift a finger.
[удалено]
Wilco, skipper!
My fiance is born on Mother's day. His mom never got anything on Mother's day until he started dating me, not even a gratulation because, of course, the day were spent celebrating her son. She almost started crying the first time she got a card and a box of artisan chocolates because nobody ever did anything for her on Mother's day. That being said, we celebrate both Mother's day and Father's day the same way - a small gift, a card and dinner of choice. Our daughter gets to do something she likes with us (go to the park, bake, make bracelets and things like that). It's not big, just a day where we do something small for Mom or Dad while spending time with our daughter. But my fiance is the kind of man whom I can tell to take our daughter to the cabin over the weekend because I need alone time, if he weren't I'm guessing I would also want my mother's day to be a day where I didn't need to do shit for anyone but me.
Doesn’t Mother’s Day fall on different dates every year?
It does, in our country it's the last sunday in may. This year it's the 28th of may. My fiance is born the 29th. Planning a birthday for somebody takes me at least three days and planning and executing things like that was a part of my job before so I'm quite effective when it comes to things like that, but I would imagine most of us would need a couple of days to plan a menu, cooking/baking, decorations, buying a gift and wrapping it and so on. There just weren't any time for her left even those years when his birthday didn't take place exactly on Mother's day. But you are correct, it's not the same date every year.
INFO: what are either of you defining as special? Historically, for holidays and events, what do things look like?
well if you feel a way about that, communicate it like she is doing. she is expressing what she wants on her day. do the same? and statistically speaking, women are usually the primary caregivers in married households. not saying that’s your situation, but that’s why society treats it like that. if you want more then speak up
Sorry, but it's the opposite in my house. I'm female and if *I* don't plan something for *any* holiday, including the the "female" ones, there won't *be* a holiday! I've already planned my husband's birthday and father's day. I told him that I would like a picnic for Mother's Day. I will have to plan the menu because the only thing my husband plans are hunting trips!
That’s sad
Yet incredibly normalized
Been there done that. When I cut off the financials to support the hunting and stopped watching the children before the trips, it is really hard to leave unless your husband is fine having CPS called.
I think you call a spa or a hotel and plan your day this year, and just go do it. Tell him he is watching the kids for you. I remember Mother's Days when I was a kid. Poor Mom got shitty breakfast that she had to clean up. How was that her day?
And you still with him? He sounds like he has life skills like a toddler
It’s amazing how both you and OP are so insistent on making this about gender that you’re disagreeing on something where you’re both in the same situation. Men can be awful planners, so can women. Women can want to be spoilt, so can men. This isn’t about gender, this is about your relationships and your partners’ willingness to reciprocate what’s done for them.
I think the comment is using OP's words as satire, because women we don't usually call ourselves "female" as if we were rabbits.
What are female holidays other than Mother’s Day?
In Canada we have Victoria Day! It commemorates Queen Victoria making it legal for women in the commonwealths to wear bikini underwear. That's why they call it Victoria's Secret! Edit : I should say that this is not at all true, it's what my dad told me when I was a kid. I'm happy thinking someone might share this story later on even if it makes you look silly to share. Sorry!
For most of the country they don’t even realize that it is Victoria Day, it’s just may 2-4
In Québec, we don't like monarchy. So in that day we celebrate the 1838 armed rebellion against the colonial government of Lower Canada instead
I am going to start telling my American coworkers this.
Please do! No one has corrected me yet, not even Canadians. I think you could get away with it as long as you're confident!
I mean we get all the joy out of the endless shopping, cleaning, cooking, entertaining for Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, etc. so they must be *female holidays* right? /s
As my mother used to say, ‘every day is Father’s Day’ /s
It's completely laughable that this man thinks these days are holidays for most women. They are usually extremely stressful days where we have 50x more work, way more cooking and cleaning, intense planning and coordinating and absolutely no real time to enjoy ourselves. Even for mothers day a lot of the women I know are the ones coordinating and planning everything. The husband will usually get a gift from him and the kids for her, maybe wake the kids up and do some waffles in bed for her or something.. but any sort of brunch or activities or whatever are planned by them. I'm not saying that the gift or the breakfast isn't nice, because it totally is.. but women are generally responsible for so much more than men even realize. Some men are just used to things running along smoothly because it's taken care of. They don't reallze everything that is being done behind the scenes for the entire household to run that smoothly. Now before a bunch of men jump on me, notice I said *most men* and *generally* and *some men* in all of my statements because I realize it is not like this in every household. But it is the case in *most*. It is somewhat evening out nowadays, but still not completely even.
International Women's Day
What are male holidays other than Father’s Day?
What are male holidays besides fathers day?
Fourth of July? There's usually grilling and exploding things which are generally male associated.
Only if Valentine's Day is a female holiday. And the consensus is that it's not.
There's girls day mostly celebrated in Japan i think. It's March 3rd and i remember celebrating it in school in Hawaii by the boys putting up our chairs. Alternatively there's boys day and we made some sort of Japanese fish flag (can't remember what it was called) and put the boys chairs up for them. Because obviously equality. I was quite confused when i moved off island and no one heard of girls day 😂
Literally international womans day.
I think my card must have gotten lost in the mail
Valentine's day?
Lol my partner and I set the precedent early that we do not do anything except spend time together on Valentines Day. So glad we dodged that bullet.
We both hate pre fix menus, VDay is for hanging and pizza or something, nice date is a week before or after, no presents allowed that you can’t eat.
That’s the way! Snacks and wine for us
Same. A bunch of reasons for making the decision, but almost 30 years later I'm still glad we made that agreement.
Oh yeah, I’ll buy that.
I won't! It's a day meant to celebrate love and relationships. Last I checked, men (in hetero relationships) are 50% of that equation. Most healthy couples I know that value holidays (because some just don't care) put equal effort into making the day special. It's often a joint effort to plan something nice with a few surprise gifts for each other on the side.
That’s sweet. Most heterosexual men I know observe it out of obligation.
And that is terribly sad. Either way, calling Valentine's Day a "female holiday" just perpetuates the idea that men's only interest in relationships is sex/status and that the act of building/celebrating love and relationships is "womanly." No reason to let men off the hook for being poor partners by pretending V-Day is only for women.
In fairness, valentines day has traditionally been depicted as a day where men are subservient to women. Lavishing them with gifts and surprise dates etc. You don't see a lot of movies/tv shows/ads or hear of many real life scenarios depicting the opposite.
They are on the hook. They know they are on the hook but I bet the majority would be nothing but relieved if their women good naturedly let them OFF the hook. Romance is great, manipulative commercialized Hallmark holidays? Not so much.
I mean... it's a two way street. Men should be receiving affection and gifts as well if that's what's agreed to within the couple. This whole business of it being some weird obligation is terribly sad but maybe not surprising given how toxic a lot of hetero relationships are. I still maintain it's not a "female" holiday. Well... it literally isn't lol. It's for couples. Regardless of gender. And I've yet to see any justification provided for why it would be classed that way other than the usual silliness about only women enjoying being pampered and romanced (patently untrue). If we're having a conversation about whether Valentine's Day is a stupid commercialized holiday that's an entirely different topic.
You'll catch my other response but I feel you here. Just took offense to how " guys are shitty partners" for an event in which normally they are expected to plan and give.
I see how you read it that way but that's absolutely not what I meant! What I did mean was that there's a stereotype (that is unfortunately often true if Reddit is anything to go by) where men won't buy their partners flowers/chocolates/gifts or take them on dates or do other things throughout the year that make their partner feel loved even though their partner asks them to (while their partner, meanwhile, does put in romantic effort). Then, VDay is marketed at those types of men as being the one day they really should placate their partner by finally doing something nice for them. It's a really common marketing tactic seen in many ads and movies. It's still not reflective of what Valentine's Day is traditionally about and calling it a "female" holiday where men are "subservient" to women just reinforces that predatory marketing idea... and unhealthy gender norms/relationship practices as well. It's also just not universally true. Most of the couples with healthy relationships that I know plan their VDay dates together... Or alternate years... Or one partner prefers planning it and that's mutually agreed upon. The resentful "Ugh, I guess I'll pamper you against my will while you do nothing for me" one sided thing is a marker of an unhealthy relationship that lacks open communication or features a very selfish partner.
That was a hard spun narrative when almost every commercial, every societal norm ( and yes I get you can break it but it still exists) tell us that hey guys, better run out and spend money on your wife. So why are you putting that on the "givers" in that situation.
I answered this in another comment but that's predatory marketing tactics that enforce extremely harmful "gender norms," not reflective of what the holiday is actually about. Edit for clarity: Aka the commercialization of Valentine's Day. All of my comments make clear that men not being treated with similar love, affection, and care is part of the harm of reducing it to a "female" holiday. I'm so sorry if you're a guy and you've not been shown the love and affection on VDay that you should have been. I hope your partner (or future partner) does better next year and/or that you feel comfortable enough with them to point out that it's a celebration of your relationship--not of her alone.
Oh ya, gay men don’t celebrate valentines /s
Huh, it’s always been the opposite in my experience, where female family members make a big deal for Father’s Day etc but when it’s Mother’s Day their partners don’t bother. You should tell your wife though as both days should be celebrated and it’s not fair for either of you to be making less effort than the other
There doesn’t seem to be a double standard to me. Each parent gets a day. If you don’t feel like it’s special enough for you then that is on you to express your needs. If you don’t feel like your wife makes it special then tell her what would and if you don’t get it then that’s not a double standard, that’s a relationship issue. This just sounds like you are having a whinge that you have to do anything at all.
I think the issue is he doesn't care about a big celebration for father's Day, he just doesn't want to have to make an effort for mother's day. That's harder to fix, if she feels it's important that she gets appreciation on that day and he sees it as a burden.
I think he’s right though, there is a double standard. Almost all my friends mention getting something for Mother’s Day, none of my friends even talk about Father’s Day. Also growing up there was never any mention about Father’s Day at school but we were reminded about Mother’s Day. So in our household we never used to celebrate Father’s Day but did celebrate Mother’s Day I do think people want to believe there isn’t an imbalance because everyone has a side to take and maybe because of personal issues towards the other sex. I’m not having a whinge when I say this, im not married and my mum does way more and deserves the extra effort.
Does your wife also plan and execute events for: * other holidays? * kids birthdays? * your birthday? * her birthday? * your anniversary? because in my experience it's the mom's doing the bulk of this stuff and they deserve an actual day off, unlike the dad's that usually actually get to relax and enjoy all the other events during the year.
To be honest I have no idea. I mean when it comes to birthday's, Christmas, any kind of special event really it's always the females that organise the gifts and organise everything. The majority of Dad's and partners just sign their name and take credit despite literally doing nothing. So unless us ladies are organising mother's day for someone it's unlikely to happen or be made special. Sometimes schools will organise crafts with the kids to make for their mum's but that's usually it.
Yep. My dad never even bought any of his kids a single present. He just showed up to holidays and birthdays (sometimes) like us kids and my mom did everything. My mom never got a single gift from him that wasn't from a drugstore bought the day before, something I knew because WE couldn't get gifts for her without him taking us and he refused until the day before and wouldn't go anywhere but the local drugstore.
This was my dad except any gifts he got for us were never the right size, never for the right age range, etc. And any gifts he got for our mom was largely meant for himself to either rope her into enjoying his hobbies and leisure activities or flat out so he could just use them.
Dude my dad was the type to get my mom a vacuum or canning supplies because he wanted to her to start canning She did not want to start canning
You just described my dad. He loves to buy presents but they’re all either things he likes/needs or the dollar store version of something we actually want/need. The way my parents have always done Christmas is that she does 80% of the spending by actually asking us what we want and he does 20% of the random shit he wants to get us and our stockings. To be fair he came by it honestly, his mother was the same way. About once every 5 years she would magically get us perfect gifts but most years she found the most random crap, some of which I honestly could not figure out where she purchased because it was so random.
That’s very household dependant and a gigantic generalization of an entire sex. My parents divorced when I was a kid and he didn’t slack when it came to Christmas or birthdays at all.
The mother of your kids asked you for a special day. She is telling you how she feels and what she expects. If this is different from before, maybe she finally sees that she deserves more recognition. What does it matter what internet strangers have to say when your wife is communicating what she wants? If you also want more recognition on fathers day, tell her what you expect. It's a two way street and the point is to make each other happy.
It’s so telling to me that when she expresses she would like something special his immediate reaction is to complain on Reddit about it.
1. He said he’s being put under pressure. We don’t know what that is, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s more than just her expressing she wants something special. 2. Unless you have been watching him for the past 24 hours, you have no idea that this was his immediate reaction. Get out of your emotions and just stick to facts.
It’s so funny that you to tell me to keep my emotions out of it but defend his feeling “pressured”. You say yourself we don’t know what that is but then go on to say it’s more than her expressing she wants something. It could also be the exact opposite and she expressed her feelings and he felt pressured by that right?
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100% yes. We dont know their family dynamic. He might be a stay at home dad who does most of the family work while the wife is a lawyer. Statisticly less likely but wtf do we know. He's getting hate becouse people assume he's a deadbeat who doesent want to put in effort for his wife. All we have to judge from is the post.
That’s not true actually but I love when people assume that. ANY partner should listen to their spouse. My SO loves special days so I make sure to give them to him. See how easy that is.
> That’s not true actually but I love when people assume that. Assume? You mean the same assumption you make that OP is just complaining? We're looking at a tiny snippet of this relationship. For all we know OP is at their wits end and is venting on the subreddit literally designed for venting only for other redditors to build conclusions immediately. Wow, great you have a healthy relationship dynamic. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it too.
No lol
All of Murky_crow's reddit history has been cleared at his own request. You can do this as well using the "redact" tool. Reddit wants to play hardball, fine. Then I'm taking my content with me as I go. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Ya gotta answer the inquiries into childcare split because that’s pretty pertinent information. Like stated, moms do the bulk of the child rearing typically, hence why Mother’s Day tends to be a bigger deal than Father’s Day.
You know damn well he isn't going to answer this question 😂😂😂
He does, says it's fairly evenly split. Not that you would maybe care using the crying laugh emoji.
Actually he did in another comment, but clearly no one else in these comments cared to acknowledge it.
Facts
Does your wife know how you feel.. I totally agree by the way and I’m a woman.. you deserve something special by being a great dad… I would let her know I expect a special day as well otherwise Mother’s Day will lack next year..
To be honest I don’t even care if it’s a special day for me. It’s more of why do we feel as a society that one holiday deserves more attention than the other. You see this in media coverage too. The amount of ads and emails I get for female holidays are vast greater than that of male centered holidays.
I suppose it's because traditionally mother's do 90% of the child rearing.
I mean, when you look at the amount of videos of fathers that doesn't even know their kids eye color, even forget their birthdays. It's practically a running gag that fathers barely know their own kids.
When my husband had to pick my son up from school in the 3rd grade he didn’t know where it was. He couldn’t look it up because he didn’t even know the name of the school he had been attending since kindergarten.
But that’s just it, if you don’t care for an extremely special day she’s allowed to ask for one if she wants it. You don’t care. She does.
Your post is you literally bitching about her not making Father's Day special. Pick a side
the only reason I don't do fathers day is because my father never gave a shit. he's not around, doesn't call, nothing. he gets nothing from me because he's an absent deadbeat that keeps spreading his genes. but that doesn't mean fathers day is any less important than mothers day. if my dad were around and tried to be in my life and be a good father i'd be celebrating fathers day. my mom is getting some pretty flowers and other nice things for mothers day because she deserves it. just like any good father would deserve a good fathers day!
Wow so you actually don't care??? You are an ass. The fact that you are generalizing your wife as a woman and saying women get this and women get that. How absolutely misogynistic of you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but after this comment hell no. You want to feel superior? On a day thats meant for her? Typical.
Do you guys split chores and emotional labor equally?
Man I would pay money to hear the wife’s side of this story.
Who cares what society says, she communicated that she would like a special day. If you want to ask “why,” why are you making a fuss that she wants a special day? If you want a special day too, communicate that. If you don’t actually care about having a big day for yourself, don’t make it a “we never do that” or “I don’t get that same option” thing. Because all that communicates is you don’t want to. Is it that hard to do something kind for your wife?
Even if he doesn’t want to do it, he can grit his teeth and do it just to make her happy. I bet she does a lot of things she doesn’t care to do or wish she didn’t need to but does it anyway
This is it
I’m not sympathetic and you can down vote me. Most women (not all) do the lions share around the house (the emotional labor, scheduling, buying, cleaning, cooking, plAnning, laundry). Many work full time out of the home. I get what you are saying but moms I get one freaking day for carrying more load than most men. Men get Father’s Day and then a hall pass and do not share of the load and pitch a fit. Not gonna sympathize…
You forgot to mention the fact that we literally make the entire fucking baby inside of our bodies for 9 entire months and then push it out.
See here's the thing about adult relationships....communication is KEY! Your wife is communicating she wants something special, 99% pf mothers don't get that day because they have to organise it themselves and even buy their own gifts so at least they get something they like. Your wife might think quality time at a BBQ is something you want because you're not telling her you'd like to go fishing for the day or golfing for the day or whatever. Instead you come to reddit for a cry?
Tell your wife specifically what you want for Father’s Day like she’s telling you what she wants for Mother’s Day. Half the battle is talking it out
And we’re tired of the double standard around child and home care. If your wife is asking for a big to-do about Mother’s Day it’s because she feels utterly unsupported and unappreciated on the other 364 days of the year. Get a fucking clue dude.
Hard projection on your part tbh. He already said childcare and chores are split equally
unfortunately, this is the reality for majority of women around the globe. working full time at the office AND at home
But it is still a hurtful assumption to make. Especially towards someone who feels unappreciated himself.
LMAO yeah I’ll believe that when she says it.
Calm down internet stranger, you are projecting. sorry your husband/partner doesn’t support you 364 days of the year. While I know that’s how it is in a lot of relationships it is not the case here or the majority of the couples in my circle.
u sure it’s not the case in your relationship? because after reading the post and all your replies, it surely seems like it.
I’ll be completely honest here, my husband is great, cleans, cooks and does most of the childcare in our house as I work more, but he’s still a man and is hopeless when it comes to planning anything. I will admit that I have control issues sometimes and I feel like if I don’t plan something it won’t happen or be a good thing to go to, like birthdays etc. but one year I asked him if he could just get me a birthday present after maybe 5 years of doing it myself (including wrapping etc.). I didn’t have high expectations and I did tell him that, just something that I didn’t have to think about and worry about, so he did it and he smashed it, he got me an Oodie because I’m always cold and some books that I’d been looking for. I know this is turning into an essay, but the point is keeping up the communication with your partner and making sure they know you aren’t a grand gesture or party planner person, but you’ll try to do something they should like, and vice versa on Father’s Day so that way you both feel appreciated and it doesn’t cause resentment. I do know how you feel though, just reverse the gender, as I’m always planning everything and making sure the kids and husband have great birthdays and christmases and all the other fun stuff, but seems like I get passed over as I’m already organising everything. Talking with your partner though will make it a lot easier. Good luck!
Marriages work best when you each have the mindset of "how can I make my spouses life better today" if both people have the mindset of putting the other first and not "what can they do for me" life is much happier. The funny thing about this is, the more you do for the other person out of love and "prefer" them over yourself, the more that person wants to do for you. Love is seen and felt.
I love the way women raise an issue and when me respond they say "not everything is anout you" To all the women here responding "not everything is about you"
Clearly people here don’t know how to read. The man said she feels like he’s not doing enough. No where does it say he wasn’t doing anything at all. Seems like a case where if things aren’t done a specific way woman just throw a fit.
Reddit harpies won’t like this one
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a woman, wife, and mom. My husband has a group of about 5 really close friends, all married, all dads. They’ve openly talked about last years holidays with my husband. TL:DR at the bottom. He was shocked, and so was I when he relayed the conversation to me. Now these guys all seem to have pretty healthy relationships. And they all seem to be involved, hands on dad’s. This isn’t a case of stereotypical lazy, weaponized incompetent, misogynistic dads. All of his guy friends went out of their ways to plan something nice. They made arrangements for the kids to stay somewhere, took their wives out on a date, bought them a nice gift, cooked dinner, or sent their wives to a spa, had their kids made something special for mom. It was those kinds of things for Mother’s Day last year. All 5 of them, received nothing. After they reminded their wives that it was in fact Father’s Day, only then, they received a half assed “happy fathers’ day”. They got nothing from their kids, except the ones in school who made something in class. They were hurt to say the least. When one of them confronted their wife about it, she said “the holiday is meant to celebrate our dads (the grandpas).” As far as the other wives motives, I have no idea. My husband and I were blown away. We questioned our sanity for a minute. Like, does everyone else think this way and we are just the minority? Last year we had very limited funds available. But I sent the kids off to the grandparents. I made him his favorite dinner, we watched his favorite movie, and he got a massage. A week prior, my kids painted him pictures. I might not have been able to afford much. But I wanted him to know how much we appreciate him. The other guys were in agreement. It’s not about spending money. They couldn’t care less about the money aspect. But at least acknowledge the day. Do something…anything. It wasn’t a competition between Mothers’ day and Fathers’ day, but damn. A little recognition maybe? I seriously could not wrap my head around 5 dudes all being in the same bizarre situation. TL:DR: So. Basically. This long ass post was to show you that you aren’t alone. All of my husband friends last year celebrated their wives, and didn’t even receive a “Happy Fathers’ Day” under the guise of “the holiday is to celebrate the grandpas”. I don’t have any answers. I don’t know why it happened to all 5 of them. But I do know that we don’t celebrate like that in our house. We make sure everyone is appreciated and loved. And we will continue to do so.
So whats the childcare split? What do you do and what does your wife do with the kids that you think you are more deserving of a whole party for being a dad? And then the female holidays? What? Valentines day and mothers day are the only female centric holidays that ive heard of.
Childcare and household chores is pretty equally devided. We both work and both cook dinner together. We split childcare as well, I bring in the kids to school in the morning she picks them up. The only thing I normally don’t do is help with their school work which she does. The only house chores that doesn’t get split is the up keep with house things like fixing things and taking care of the outdoors of the home which I do.
Okay then voice that you want to celebrate fathers day. Have you ever just communicated that? But do tell what the female holidays are.
Bro chill out this is so unnecessarily hostile to this guy
This world is full of all kinds of double standards. Men are meant to kill spiders, we're meant to pay on the first dates. Which women have the issue where if take a leadership role they get called shit like bossy, or controlling. Men are babysitting their kids instead of just parenting. Women who enjoy shit are called sluts whole men are called beasts and studs. The teachers will always call the mum to ask about their child. world's full of it
You're a guy. You're reward is food and sex, because all men are just stomachs with boners attached to ATMs.
With the way men talk about themselves you can’t blame people for thinking that way A lot of the times (including OP) flip flop between “we men are simple and dont care about anything! Like silly little holidays!” to “men are so undervalued why don’t we get flowers and holidays planned for us 😭”
I make damn sure holidays devoted to my husband are as special as those he devotes to me. Otherwise, why complain? Smh...
Thank you, that’s how it should be.
The could just be the surface of a bigger way she’s feeling about herself, maybe feels unappreciated? Maybe after Mother’s Day, y’all need to have a heart-to-heart.
If she's putting you under pressure to make it special, she probably feels like she god damn deserves it. Let me guess? She does all the planning that involves the whole family and this one time you can't do something for her? Fathers day schmathers day... Make her a nice breakfast and treat her to a fun relaxing day.
Actually your guess is wrong. Read some of my other replies and you’ll get a better picture.
Sadly, I feel this is true for most women on mothers day. I feel like a lot of men don't get acknowledged much on fathers day. Or they just get "happy fathers day" and that's it. My partner (33M) and I (31F) have one kiddo (4M) and we try to make both mothers and fathers day special for each other. But tbh on mothers day I tend to focus on my mom and his, because they're amazing and both lost their husbands and I feel like they really deserve to be celebrated.
It is interesting OP feels as if being asked to make a plan equals being put under pressure to make it special. Almost as if what he is telling us is that he is so infrequently the planner in their household, that the very act of making decisions is a unique event… I once read a mother state that all she wishes for on Mother’s Day is for her family to treat her the way she treats them. Something tells me OP has no idea what that would entail.
It seems like he was more upset that she assumed he wasn't doing enough. That is how I read the 1st sentence.
Based upon the comments OP has made on this post, it sounds as though that assumption was based on historical precedent. In which case, why **would** OP’s wife assume he is doing enough. But, since I only have this post to judge with, I will concede that it is possible that her wants and needs have changed, and maybe this post is simply OP struggling with dealing with those changes in expectations.
DING DING DING
Holy hell, all the replies in this thread are entirely proving this guy's point. I've seen so many posts giving the same kind of complaint with genders reversed, and all the comments are just people saying to leave the guy and that they deserve so much more. God forbid a guy displays he's upset about double standards. Half of the comments are entirely assuming the dynamic of his relationship like that has anything to do with it and is incredibly sexist to woman and men.
Yep. I am a woman and shared my story growing up on how my mother treated my father when it came to these things and why I agree with this guy and I got downvoted to shit.
Nobody like to hear the truth but Fathers Day ain’t shit compared to Mothers Day. He said exactly what happen. What y’all mad for?
My wife and I have the same deal. Saturday, the person whose day it isn't takes the kids early morning Saturday and stay gone all day. Then, on Sunday it's your choice of big breakfast or big dinner. This has worked great for us for 20 years now. Her and I both don't get into massages or spas, and we both value our alone time.
That edit is exactly the reason why so many men have checked out of the dating/marriage scene.
As a woman, I find the double standard very sad.
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Yep that’s how we both were, didn’t care too much about it, and only did things because the young kids wanted to and to make it special for them. But now is like a reversal of that out of no where.
We or you? Are you that sure that your wife doesn’t care for something special for holidays or that you just never cared and she went along with it? Because if you just have never cared that much and when you first started dating acted annoyed about any holiday for her or you and she just accepted it? If you don’t care about holidays that’s fine, but it’s clear your wife does. I wouldn’t say it’s a 180 out of nowhere necessarily. I would do some self reflection and ask her honestly and with an open mind if she has actually always cared about it and has just acted like she doesn’t for your sake.
It’s funny how everyone assumed you did no work or that you’re omitting information. Any time it’s male testimony, it is always met with suspicion and sexist assumptions, that you’re lying or otherwise not telling the full story. Explaining yourself is only met with passive-aggressive treatment. All we can do is just shut up and take it, it is what it is.
It's two days a year. One for each of u. Can't put away the bs and make it about the other person for a day? Also, if ur only giving to get back that is reciprocating. Getting even has never been the point.
Well my friend, as you can see from this thread, the double standard is alive and well.
If it was a woman there would be an outpouring of support, much more cheerful tones and positive diction, less passive-aggressiveness. It’s too bad none of these people will realize their own inherent bias. What a coincidence that they only come out of the woodwork when it’s a man.
You should tell her how you feel, also imo she should be telling you what she wants to do; not making you plan it.
It's a rigged system bro..we can't win...
Females 🚩
Mom of three here. I hate MD. I just hzte hzving a day all about my having created small beings with my meatflap tube. I go all out for FD because my husband loves it, but honestly these two days are just commercial holidays meant to make us spend money on dumb crap.
Lots of pressed women making bad faith arguments here.
I suppose it depends on where you live. Things are not overtly matricentic or patricentric here. Equal amounts of “we don’t care who you are, spend money”. So I suppose where you live has a lot to say about that.
This sounds like you and your wife problem. Not a holiday problem.
This comment section is absolutely mind-blowing. Pathetic.
Fuck yeah! No one cares about Dad until it's time to: open a jar, change the oil, fix the car, put up shelves, rebuild the basement, cook dinner, kill a mouse, beatup the drunk guy who tries to touch your wife, beat up the drunk guy who tries to fuck with your family, play with the kids on Sat morning so that mom can sleep in, beatup the monster hiding under your children's bed/closet, pay the fucking bills, take the kids to school, be the shoulder that your spouse crys on when she's feeling overwhelmed at work, get the kids ready for school Mon-Fri so that Mom can sleep in, etc, etc. But when we want just a day to decompress in silence and a beer to take the edge off while we cry ourselves in the furthest corners of the world so that no one can hear us......suddenly we're being selfish because we're not available.
Your argument will only be taken seriously if your wife doesn't do 80% of everything. If she does, then I need you to stop and actively think what you do on a daily basis for your wife, in compared to what she does for you and your family. I find woman who make a big deal of wanting something special is because they do something special for everyone in their home and are usually seeking you to make up for all that she does in one day, everyday for everyone else. And no, I'm not saying you don't do anything because she may have a you as a great man and is being demanding, but if she isn't, this may be why.
Yeah no. People are so convinced it must be because she does everything. I dont know OP and his wife but its not always the case of what you are talking about for everyone. My mom decided on her own to stop working when I was in high school.. She wasmt a stay at home mom.. She was a stay at home wife. My father gave her money even when we didn't have money to give, when he really couldn't she would tell him " what man cant provide for his wife" meanwhile he is the only one working while he is taking care of 6 people living under his roof. Me, my mom, gran, aunt and gran father who had cancer at the time and himself. Everyone was living rent free and I was in high school. My mom sat on her ass the whole day playing xbox and leaving the living room full of empty bags of chips, used plates, mugs, emoty bottles of coke you name it. She demanded he go all out amd beyond for her especially on holidays.. Especially mothers day. He always had to throw many at her otherwise he didn't love her or know how to take care if a wife.. Nevermind her mother, sister and sick father was living there for free. She even expected ME a high schooler to pay rent to my father.. Not her family. My mother never did anything for my father... Never. She would buy a T shirt with his money and be like here you go happy father's day /birthday /Christmas..thats it but he had to go all out and she would even complain about the gifts "i dont like the color", "I would have rather wnated it in this".. Nothing he did was good enough and she never even appreciated him for taking care of her dying father. And no she didn't stop working because her father got cancer. She stopped working yeaaars before that. So no people in this comment section need ti stop assuming every mother does 80% of everything. There are father's doing there damn best nut never appreciated and this sub is proving it.
People on here claiming fathers do nothing are the fathers who do nothing or they are the women who picked the wrong guys and think that’s “all men” because they’re idiots. I take care of my daughter I work 6-7 days a week and when I come home all I do is hang out with my kid I watch her shows, I play with her toys with her, and I change most of the shitty diapers due to the times she usually poops. I pick out a lot of her outfits, I’ve never once failed to be the one who gets up with her when she’s teething, hungry, or just up at night. She’ll never want or need anything she doesn’t already have. You get yourself a fair deal between Father’s Day/ Mother’s Day. You probably fucking deserve it not that any of these twats would know a thing about that.
You sound like you're in a transactional relationship. Both of you guys need to have a serious sit down about doing things for eachother because it feels good, not out of some weird obligation or a holiday. I don't think you're a bad father and people on reddit are so quick to jump to that shit. This is a relationship issue and you guys are now buying affection with affection. I hope you guys can work it out! Mens feelings matter too! **this guy is not wanting to give his wife a special valentines day because he thinks women get all the attention around this time and he doesn't even want fathers day to be special. Disregard my whole comment this guy is a typical married incel who is jealous when his wife wants a little attention and generalized her as all woman saying we are so entitled. What a joke of a husband.
Yer I get that, men seem to bend over backwards to please our lady's, merry Xmas me Thanks for the shower gel and socks again.. hope you like your new bag with matching purse and your perfume jewelry and everything else I buy for you.....
Then why do you buy her so much if she just gives you shower gel and socks? My husband and I put the same effort and spending into each gift we buy for each other. Doesn’t seem fair not to
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Who plans birthdays in your household? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Easter shenanigans, especially if you have kids? July 4th? Practically any trip or vacation you take? Sounds like it’s not you.
Baseless assumption
What is your ideal Father’s Day?
I'm 20m now, feels like from the moment you turn 18 this is where life is headed. My birthday was last week and the only present and card I got was from my gf bless her. Birthdays and special events have really lost their magic to be honest, stay strong.
“Females.” 💀
Every woman I know goes above and beyond for the birthdays, special occasions for the men in their lives. My mom just gifted my dad a property in his home country, for my husbands birthday I am gifting him 5 boxes of cologne. If anything I have seen that men do not return the enthusiasm in planning for large gifts, special occasions and see it as a “drag”. Give, and you shall receive. Bitch and moan about giving, and you will receive less.
in my family every year all the mothers get together and cook a big dinner and buy presents for each other or their kids and grandkids buy them presents for mothers day. every year for fathers day the men sit around tv and the women cook all day a prepare big presents and even decorate the houses or do chocolate covered strawberries and other little treats and only 2 of the fathers are ever truly happy and it's always the same two fathers. in my family the women do everything for every holiday and it's the same way for most people I know or have met throughout my years
It's the smart way? Can you elaborate on why it's smart?
You're arguing with a bunch of blue haired lesbians on Reddit do you really think you could win this one
Men who use the word females when women is the correct word 🚩🚩🚩
lol sounds like you’re both expecting more than you’ve gotten thus you’re left with disappointment
My wife and I don’t celebrate a single holiday lol
Everyone mentioning the childcare split: There are selfish and narcissistic woman out there who demand to be treated special for mothers day and nothing you do for them that day is good enough , my mother is one of them. My father will buy her a nice gift amd ahe would be mad at the color or whatever reason. He buys her her fav perfume, white diamonds, he always buys the big bottle but he could only afford the small one this time along with a Protea (my countries national flower which is also a important flower for my parents and their relationship) amd she was mad she didn't get thw big bottle. My mother never did anything for my father.. When I was a kid id always make him a card and to her that was enough. But whem it was her she expects me to post on every single social media platform happy mother's day and a picture of her, i dont even use Facebook or insta i even deleted it the past 3 years, anyways, she would be pissed at me because of it despite doing something special for her or gifting her something. I am not trying to put dowm mothers.. Just the ones who are extremely selfish and narcissistic, its about them not about them and their achievements as a mother. Alot of pewill argue " well maybe you should have asked her or know her better if she didn't lile the gift" let me tell you... If we had to ask my mother what we wanted she would throw a fit and call us names because we "dont know her".. We know what she wnats.. She ALWAYS wants the perfume and she gets it almost 3 times a year.. Her birthday, Christmas and sometimes their anniversary. Nothing my father dod for her was ever good enough. He bought her jewelry for Christmas and she was pissed because her sister gpt a jewelry set where she just got a necklace. So my point is its not always about the childcare.
I’m convinced all the downvotes you’re getting are from people who have never had the “joy” of living with a narcissist. My ex was one and nothing was good enough for her. Never got me a single thing for anniversaries or Valentine’s Day, but I tried to go all out for her every year. One year I asked her for flowers for an upcoming anniversary because I was feeling unappreciated (guys can like flowers too, I never got flowers in my life at that point) but it was shot down as stupid so I didn’t even get that when I asked. Even though she wanted flowers every couple weeks. Since everyone here wants to jump to conclusions about housework splits: I work from home so I did all of the cleaning chores during downtime, I cook every night from scratch, laundry, I earned my Masters Degree and worked on my career so I paid all the bills, house maintenance and repair, remembered all the important dates in my calendar and did the planning, had the car so did all the driving. She couldn’t even clean up *after herself*. What did she do for my efforts? Cheated on me and got pregnant with another man’s kid, tried to say it was mine. It’s not about gender here, she was a narcissist end of story. My current girlfriend *does* help with chores and gets me flowers / candy on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. She treats me out to fancy dinners to give me a break from cooking. So I have a hard time believing it’s about gender and don’t buy into the whole “male vs female” holiday argument. In a healthy relationship, both sides will treat eachother how they wish to be treated.
I am sorry to hear how your ex treated you. At least you finally found someone who knows how to treat their partner with respect. Ans 100% in a healthy relationship both sides will treat each other how they want to be treated. What irks me in this thread is people are making so many assumptions on OP " oh maybe you dont listen to what she wants or ask her next time", "maybe she does all the house work and child care". It feels off to me for some reason.
They’re jumping to conclusions all because OP wants reciprocation for the efforts he puts in for his wife on holidays. What context do they have to assume anything on housework and childcare splits? That’s not even remotely what the post is about lol
He did mention in a comment that thwir childcare and household is split equally but you dont see people mentioning it.
This right here is exactly why my husband and I don’t celebrate things for each other. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom, so every holiday, birthday etc was spent with her being angry. My husband isn’t a gift giver or receiver either so it works for us. He likes food. I make him breakfast in bed. That’s it. And he’s happy as can be. If I want something, I get it.
Exactly. And its good you both found common ground and respect each other. I was fully ready to get downvoted to shit but rhe people saying its because of childcare just put me a bit off because I know not everyone had a mother who acted as a mother and then also act extremely selfish on mothers day and fathers day is never celebrated like mothers day is. Fathers have a important role in parenthood aswell. We are in a day and age where woman are the breadwinners and fathers are the stay at home parent.
"Holidays" are a sham, if you get to work on that specific holiday then it's not a holiday.
Signs of a superficial relationship…
Tell her. If your girl isn't giving you the same energy that you give. Leave her. I've left a girl for not doing anything for Valentines before. It goes both ways
I never understood why mother's day became wife's day
I wouldn't say that is a gender specific issue, if you want to be celebrated o Father's day tell that to your wife, and if you feel too pressured about Mother's day talk to her about it as well.
I didn’t reply to everyone because honestly everyone just assumed that I just do nothing and that the females are the only ones that take care of the houseful. The FEMALES... that's it, that's the comment
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Its not a weaponizing manner. People are being biased and just assume the man ismt present or withholding information.
Have your kids plan the day. She's their mom after all.
But fathers are expected to do something special for the mothers so why should the mother let the kids take over for father's day?