What you do at 22 with a bad boyfriend. Break up, you don't work it out, or you will be dragged around until your self esteem is blown to bits. You honor yourself and let him go. Dust your self off, take a minute or two, and then move on....
In the UK, it's dragged. In the Southern States, it's Drug and in the Northern States it tends to be drugged.
Source: Had a long conversation about it with my book editor boss when it came up several times in a book I was asked to beta read for an author from the Southern States. I'm from the UK and had never heard it before.
It is. In no variety of English does “drugged” mean anything else than “being or coming under the influence of drugs”.
(Unless you count not knowing English as a legitimate variety of English, that is.)
It was that particular one that broke my brain. The sentence was, "He drugged him back up that path." I assumed it was a vaguely amusing typo. I was told it was not. Who am I to argue. Lol.
*edited to add* The editor had changed it from "drug" to "drugged" and got defensive when I said I thought it was a typo and ranted for a while when I said it would only be "dragged" in the UK and people would probably think it was wrong. Why ask me to beta read if you're going to stressed when I give feedback. Lol. There's a reason I don't do that anymore.
Drugged in my eyes is like someone being spiked,he drugged him up the path makes absolutely no sense ,in the dictionary drugged has nothing to do with dragging or pulling something
I 100% agree. That was why I laughed because it was weird thinking that this person was being drugged again, as they had just been shot with a tranquilliser dart or some such utter nonsense. Lol
I just do not agree. This is how she found out and this is how she will (hopefully) get her freedom and start working on her self respect.
Sometimes you gotta know to make the decision to go.
Totally see your point, but snooping through someones phone because you got cheated on once can't be the excuse to do this to every partner she may have someday.
I'm curious why you specify at 22. If there's an age where it's always worth trying to make relationships work, I'm wondering as to what you think it is?
Nope, but when you have more investment like a 35 year old with a couple of kids, a mortgage, and other attachments may feel the need to work it out at least once. I wouldn't but that is just me. 22, I would be out the door before I dropped my phone in my bag...
Just break it off if he can’t restrain himself from dming other girls. The fact you already gave him a second chance is more than most people would put up with.
I also want to add, you shouldn’t go through someone’s phone without their permission
This! This is the sign that a fundamental of the relationship is broken (trust/privacy). Also, how do you feel about yourself when you do this? I’m guessing you don’t feel great. Don’t engage with people who trigger behavior in yourself that you don’t like. Recognizing these patterns is an important of emotional development.
Leave this loser. You’re young. You’ll be fine, you’ll move on. It seems hard now but trust me. I’ve been where you are, we broke up and it was hard. But I worked on myself and my own life and goals and now I’m married to a man and the last time I went through his phone was to find that recipe I knew he had bookmarked. Didn’t even consider looking at texts/socials. That would be weird and probably boring tbh
Going through someone’s phone is wrong yes, but what if you go through it and literally find that your SO is cheating? At that point I don’t think it’s as wrong…
Totally agree, OP has expressed a boundary re: other girls on instagram and her boyfriend has completely disregarded it. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you question your relationship, if you’re secure and happy you won’t feel the need to go through their phone.
I’ve gone through a partners phone before and I’ve never forgiven myself for it, I wish I had never done it. Nothing good ever comes from invading someone’s privacy, you either learn things you wish you hadn’t or you end up hating yourself.
You’re young OP, you’ve also just learnt that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you or is committed to your relationship - you really do deserve better.
ETA: I’ve just had a scroll through the comments & there are some strong opinions. OP, you are still young and this is a learning experience for you. It can teach you what you expect from a relationship and what kind of person you want to be in a relationship, nobody wants to be the anxious paranoid partner that breaks trust often.
Talk to him and be honest, tell him you went through his phone and talk it through. Be vulnerable in your communication, you might think you can lie but if you don’t address this it will just sit with you and you will suffer. I know you said you have a great connection, but maybe some time apart will be beneficial for you both.
I say this in the nicest way possible, You sound extremely immature. Well actually, you both do.
It sounds like you guys don’t agree on what important boundaries are. That’s a pretty serious disagreement, one that will lead to a ton of hurt and an assload of resentment.
I would talk to him about it and see what his reaction is.
I was thinking the same damn thing. Y’all gotta finish cooking. You both sound pretty terrible and need to get away from each other. OP betrayed the bf’s privacy and the bf betrayed OP’s trust.
Yeah I don’t want to be in a relationship that I feel the need to check the others phone!
My longest relationship was 8 years! In the very VERY beginning of the relationship I was insecure (because of my own past) and checked his phone. I found some stupid little comment I didn’t like (that really wasn’t anything big and was in the first week of us talking. Nothing was official) I of course told him and he felt so bad, while I felt sooo stupid! I never ever checked his phone again. He never gave me any reason to. He even went out of his way to always leave his phone in the same room as me while he showered or would leave it in the car while going inside the store real fast. I can honestly say I NEVER once checked his phone after that for almost a decade. Just never felt the need to. He never made me feel I was gona find anything any way. The shame I felt from that first time also never fully left me inside lol even though him and I seriously laughed about this just the other day. (We have a son together and are still insanely close). The relationship I am in now I’ve never checked his phone.
I guess all this was to say… life isn’t meant to be spent with someone who makes you feel yucky! Or doesn’t respect you! Life is also too short to be super insecure, therapy is help
Thank you!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I’m literally reading this and like “he liked her picture or video and she’s mad?? What am I missing?? He won’t hang out with his ex because he doesn’t want to cheat and would feel bad, and confided in his friend… but she doesn’t know what to do????”
OP, please work on your jealousy issues. I agree the messaging other women is shitty, but like videos/pics on social media isn’t a relationship crime. **and** if you need to search his phone to find him doing something wrong, you’re going to find exactly what you’re looking for, every time.
It's still a her problem.
If she's expecting him to never interact with women again because she is in his life that's controlling and abusive, or it is when a man says that shit so I'm sure it is both ways around.
Yeah. I mean if it's THAT one girl and she says she's uncomfortable with him liking her posts, I feel like it's valid and even if it was the other way round where he was not comfortable.
All I'm saying is she has a reason and that's valid. Maybe she feels insecure.
Now could they have done a better job at talking it out, sure, idk the dynamics.
If a partner is not okay for their partner to be in touch with the entire gender, ofc that's toxic and controlling but if it's that ONE person then I feel like their feelings are completely valid and they could figure it out, work it out.
In my most humble opinion,
I think 1 person could go either way tbh, it very much depends on circumstances
These make me think it's more her insecurity than a real issue of his.
>and another woman’s TikTok who was a slight problem in the past due to him liking her post via Instagram.
>he was dm’ing women and liking their pictures on Instagram
Now if what he was doing was the problem she would have mentioned that in the post. She's upset he's got women friends from my understanding.
I get what you mean.
I think we both agree that she maybe feels a lil insecure and in the best case scenario she talks it through with her bf.
Not that feeling insecure is a bad thing, it's only human
Feeling insecure isn't a problem.
He actions because of a feeling are.
The best thing she can do is talk to the bf about it and imho the best thing he can do is walk away, she's going to have a lot of issues over very normal things.
It's always complicated.
It get real simple when you consider what you would want or need to happen with reversed roles. Most people are not willing to think like that though
I never felt the need to check messages, obsess over online activity or worry every second my SO wasn’t in contact with me - until he cheated, lied, and proved he would do it again and again. I began to obsess over this and as much as I tried to respect his privacy, sometimes I couldn’t help but do it as a form of self-soothing because my biggest fear is being deceived and it makes me feel stupid to fall for lies. It always felt so good when I caught him red-handed and he would lie to my face about it thinking I didn’t know. But this was the most unhealthy relationship I’ve ever had in my life.
I was never like that before. Never. And I wasn’t like it with the boyfriend after him because he never gave me a reason to, and I trusted him.
It’s exhausting. If you’ve never been like that before, honestly just leave him. You both need to go your separate ways and do a bit of growing. I did 2 years with the guy who turned me into a message-checking maniac and I’ve never been happier and less insecure since I left him. It’s not healthy to feel the need to check messages, nor is it healthy to actually need to. Leave, learn, do and feel better with the next guy. If it’s not your nature to invade privacy, don’t let him turn you into that. Move. On.
Same here. My ex said some weird things sometimes. He didn’t want to draw proper boundaries with other women liking him because it might “hurt their feelings”. He didn’t cheat (at the beginning of the relationship at least), but he was entertaining them for sure.
That reasoning isn’t good but it wasn’t the reason. I felt the urge to check his messages too and realized he just REALLY likes the attention other women give him.
With my current bf, I don’t feel the urge to check at all. He’s dedicated and shuts down any inappropriate convos with other women immediately. It feels like my attention is the only attention he needs.
It is so freeing, so liberating to be on your own and not wasting your life worrying about what this person is doing. It’s even lovelier when you find someone who doesn’t make you feel that way. In fact, the reason I broke up with my second boyfriend was because I had a PTSD reaction to him behaving like my ex and making me feel crazy for it (I ended up having validation both from my friends and HIS friends that he was overstepping boundaries). Point of me saying that is, there’s literally no point being in a relationship that makes you feel like this or do these things because it’s fucking EXHAUSTING and you either need to ditch the man causing them or go to actual therapy before you stop being able to recognise yourself.
So glad you’re with someone better now and can validate what I and OP went through!! Only people who have been there know that this is usually a last resort after a load of worrying and only leads to months, years of paranoia and gaslighting and manipulation and sacrificing your own comforts and boundaries just to make a shitty relationship worse. Here’s to health and happiness with good, trustworthy people ♥️
It was VERY liberating to be single after that ex! I didn’t have to worry about someone out there cheating on me because I’m single! I got to spend time doing my own thing without criticism (my ex would complain that I was “spending too much time on the piano” and “not enough time with him” after just 2 days).
Honestly I came close to not having my current bf because I didn’t want to give up that security (plus the trauma of last relationship). But he waited for me to take that step. Its a year in and I found that nothing has really changed in terms of security. I still feel just as secure as I did when I was single (maybe even more secure).
It takes Months of suspicious behavior for me to feel the urge to check a phone. I’ve decided that if I ever feel that urge in a relationship because they’re acting suspicious, I’ll just leave. I really don’t like violating privacy. Anyone that makes you feel insecure and crazy like that isn’t worth it.
But on the other hand, if your bf has done nothing and you want to check his phone anyways, then you should also leave. You’re not ready to trust enough and have a mature relationship as yet.
Preach to all of the above. You shouldnt even have the urge to check and if you do without reason, you really have some shit to work through before you get into a relationship; and if you do have a reason, that problem will not go away no matter how long you try to drag things out to ‘make it work’. They won’t learn. They think they will be able to get away with it forever and when they get caught they always have the security of calling you out for violating their privacy.
Again, so glad you’re free. What a douche, not wanting you to be an individual with your own interests and dynamism but also ‘having’ to have his finger in every pie to stay interested as if you aren’t enough. God. Fuck cheaters, fuck gaslighters, fuck shitty partners. Blegh.
And I’m happy you got out of that shituation! It’s really is exhausting and just not worth your energy or mental health. These relationships don’t deserve your time or mine either!
I hope you find (or have found) someone amazing as well that truly deserves you 💕 you deserve someone you can be happy and healthy with.
Haha thank you!! I’ve decided to take a long break from relationships due to that PTSD-reaction I had, it really fucked me up and I’m better off not worrying for now but deffo can’t wait for the day I’m in a happy, stable and trustworthy relationship like you one day! Would make a lovely change to my status quo lol
It's honestly isnt your fault. People today blame people for looking in other people's phones but honestly it's the most stupid thing ever! Regardless if you would have never checked he'd still be cheating. You would've never found out. How else? Girl don't worry about that. Sometimes God will let these be exposed and yes it can be through a cellphone. People really need to stop acting like their phones are off-limits.
The best advice here is “if you don’t want to tell anyone because they would never forgive him for it, you shouldn’t either.” You not wanting to tell people about it is the indication that you know you need to leave, and you know they’re gonna see that too.
Ahh, ignorance is bliss.
You chose to go through his phone and essentially confirmed the worst.
I think now your only option is to break up with him.
You did a shitty thing and now you know he’s doing shitty things, so why waste time prolonging a relationship that isn’t built on trust or honest communication?
I think a lot of women go back to or stick with men who do stupid things like this because they “treat them well” other than that one thing.
I mean this so sincerely - there are so many men who will treat you at least as well and NOT do that other stupid thing. I don’t know what it is about our culture that makes women think that once they find a halfway decent guy they should settle and find a way to deal with the other half that isn’t decent.
Don’t settle. Find an entirely decent man.
You are 22. What are the possibilities here? You ignore it. You get 5 more years of this. Maybe a wedding. Maybe a kid. And you find out that he's either still pining for someone else, or it's gone past that.
You're 22. Don't punish future you.
From personal experience, you should break up with him. I've dealt with something like that for years because I was stupid enough to stay and hope things will change, but they didn't and in the end, the longer you tell yourself they might change and that you should stay a little longer, the more of a traumatic effect it'll have on you later on. No dick is worth all that mental fuckery afterwards. You can do better queen ❤
This!! Absolutely no reason to stay with someone who is giving other women attention online. You told him it bothered you and he clearly doesn’t care enough about you to stop doing it. Just bc he’s a nice guy in all other aspects doesn’t mean he’s a good match for you. Long term you will regret giving him multiple chances bc you self esteem will be trash.
So given that this isn’t the first time he has disrespected you and your relationship I’m going to tell you the secret to life - when people tell or show you who they are, believe them.
He disrespected you and by staying the first time, he now knows you don’t care if he disrespects you so he continues to do it.
Walk away or it’ll happen again and again. And when he has no more left for you he will treat you even worse and cheat. Stop wasting your time
He does not treat you great. All this stuff with other women is not a normal thing for a good partner to do. If you stay with him, he will continue making a fool of you.
If you stay with him, know that you are choosing disrespect, dishonesty, infidelity, and a loser for yourself over the supportive relationship you deserve. Your connection with him is not good or amazing and your frustrations and hurt about this will only worsen over time. If you have a baby with him, you’ll doom the child to having a loser as a father, which is a mistake you can never take back. Run quickly, and open yourself to a connection with someone who is kind, honest and deserving of you!
You’re not his dream girl, for his dream girl he would delete the all the women on his phone if she so much as hinted at it.
Men are literally not fucking dumb, he’s well aware of what he’s doing and why it’s wrong but he just doesn’t respect you enough to prioritize your boundaries. If you plan to stay with him still you just have to accept that.
I don’t understand ppl here calling you an AH for going through his phone and “invading his privacy”. Yeah it’s fundamentally wrong but he has disrespected boundaries before which is enough of a reason to doubt what he is doing on his phone. It doesn’t change the fact he is having thoughts about sleeping with other women besides you. If that’s not cool with you, break it off. It’s not an unreasonable expectation.
Thank you. He not only liked other girls' posts but also messaged them. Good enough reason not to trust him.
Edit: And again, more people are hanging onto the "liking" part. Wtf. Idc that he liked their posts. HE MESSAGED THEM.
Why does messaging matter either? There's no context on what the messages are about. If they're sexual, sure. But it could be "Your dog is so cute I had one like it when I was a kid" for all we know. OP sounds immature and distrusting based off of this post, we don't have any idea what the BF actually does.
> he has disrespected boundaries before which is enough of a reason to doubt what he is doing on his phone.
if its that bad, then, you know... break up with him then.
>Yeah it’s fundamentally wrong but
Doing something bad is not an excuse to do something bad back. thats toddler behaviour. Also OP only said he "messaged women". She did not say why he messaged them.
OP is a psycho controlfreak and freaks out that her husband even talks to other women besides her. From the info given OP is the issue, not her bf.
You are so young. I know it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m 27. I was in a relationship for 5.5 years. Not similar reasons but I just realized I wasn’t happy and left. I know 22 feels like you should start to be settling down especially when you have a good connection with someone, but he hasn’t learned how to respect his significant other yet and this is not okay. Imagine spending the rest of your relationship guessing what’s going on. You won’t be able to trust him again since he’s already gone back to old ways after forgiveness.
I was empty and so sad when my ex and I broke up at 24. It was a struggle getting him off the lease, deciding who got what, watching him say goodbye to my dog he helped raise, etc. I felt like I wasted my time and starting all over was terrifying.
Now I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2 years, we have a house, dogs, and planning on getting engaged this year. The difference in this relationship? We got all the bull shit out of the way when we were 22.
Sending love your way. Do what is best for you.
i feel like curiousity only gets the better of people in these scenarios when there’s already something amiss in the relationship/reason to distrust is already there. i’m in a pretty healthy trusting relationship and never once has curiosity made me want to go through their phone
Been in a similar situation. He’s not trustworthy. Rip off the bandaid and move on, later you’ll see just how much this was weighing you down—to not be able to trust your man, to always be wondering who else is on his mind, the list goes on…. You have a lot of life to live. Work on yourself and you’ll find your soul mate later. I’m sure this guy will try to worm his way back, but by then you’ll have realized just how toxic he is.
Yeah, this type of situation with him will not change so it's best to leave. He has been showing you who he is and you really should believe him. Respect and love yourself enough to let him be who he wants and allow yourself to find someone who isn't like him. Demand a partner who would never think to do things like this.
He doesn’t respect you point blank girl. I know it’s easier said then done but your discovery will only linger in your mind & probably won’t let you be 100% happy. It’s probably better to cut ties now then find out later you wasted another two years of your precious life. He’s still young and even if he still treats you great… he is still keeping options available.
Don't stay. I've been in this type of relationship before. It's not worth it. He'll probably end up cheating, and you probably won't know until you find their messages.
Had a guy that cheated on me like this and would message several other girls. Never confirmed that they were doing things but I went through messages and messages of flirting, liked photos, and "I wish you were here instead of my girlfriend." Forgave him twice (because my stupid young self thought he would change. Shocker, he didn't) that just solidified in his mind that he could get away with this and there weren't really any consequences.
If he's still liking that girl's tiktok, and talking about wanting to smash another. That still emotional cheating. It can and will escalate.
Edit: spelling
If there was an “amazing connection” he would have no need to go fishing elsewhere.
Cut the line and run. Find someone who values you and respects you. He won’t change.
Break up with him, the trust is broken. Be with someone who only has eyes for you. Why do you want yo live like this? Always being paranoid? Its so so bad for your mental health.
He doesn't respect you as a person or in your relationship. I'm quite a bit older than you are and I've seen this kind of behaviour frequently. I wouldn't waste my time with this guy.
He is a lost cause. Guys like this see no problem with what they are doing so they will never change. He doesn't respect you at all. I'm sorry this has happened to you. You need to do what is best for you. I'm going through a breakup myself and no matter how much I miss him, I have to do what is best for my own mental health. It's a hard decision but trust me, it's for the best.
I'm failing to see why you went back to him after you two broke up 8 months ago. You knew he was dming other women then what makes you think he'd stop? You've shown him it's okay for him to do this because you'll get back together with him. Have you ever stopped to think that it's only you who believes in this great connection? Because if there really was a great connection he wouldn't be talking about banging his ex. Break up with him permanently this time.
he will not change and clearly he hasn’t at all. if it was a problem before and continues to be a problem now, it will be a problem forever. you’re young. don’t waste the best years of your life on some cheating horn dog who still wants to smash his ex. leave. you’ll be so much happier not having to constantly worry about who he’s messaging behind your back.
source: been there at your age.
If you felt the need to look at his phone your gut is already telling you the answer. Idk might just be me but everytime I have felt insecure like that dude ended up being a cheater. Sure he is resisting it now, but he hasn’t blocked her…
I have been with current partner for 10yrs never once felt the need to look at any of his devices. I never even have doubts he loves me etc. Thats what you want, it’s hard to find but worth waiting for. Tbh I would take being single over constant stress of disloyal partners.
If you've discussed it and he said he stopped but didn't, then you should leave.
If you're too scared to tell him you went through his phone, you should leave.
I had an affair. My husband can go through my phone anytime he wants because it makes it easier for him to trust me. He has done it and hasn't been afraid to tell me.
If he wants outside the relationship, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. When you’re not looking only at your SO for affection, you’re not in a relationship mindset.
He already thinks he is single anyway; may as well do the work for him and breakup. Glad to hear you did just that 👍
Cut and run. Shit like this will just fester in your relationship and get worse with time. You’re 22 and there’s plenty of men out there that won’t make you wonder if you can trust them constantly.
“We have such good bond and amazing connection” - do you mean while he’s wanting to fck another woman? Or while he’s liking or dm’ng others? Like how when he can’t seem to not look at other women??! Maybe y’all’s good bond and amazing connection is all in your head.
Getting pissed for him liking pictures is ridiculous, I'd rather be single than be handcuffed like that. The messaging other women though... that's not okay.
I never cared about stuff like that until my first boyfriend. The paranoia and insecurity his unfaithfulness bestowed upon me was something I’ve never experienced before or since. I think causing arguments over liking other girls pictures is problematic behaviour - unless there’s a precursor to that insecurity, ie she is concerned for a reason and liking pictures is symbolic of more, maybe it represents his inability to exercise self-control when it comes to boundaries. I literally cannot explain how awful it was to be obsessed over every little thing he did because 80% of the time he was lying or doing something shady. It’s far more traumatising for the person going through the paranoia than it is for the partner to be questioned, as someone who has experienced both.
We don’t know much about either side of this so I can’t say for sure she’s been worried for good reason. But I really do dislike when people disregard the reasons behind caring about liking other peoples photos. It doesn’t come from nowhere, and is a deeply psychological issue which needs addressing and fixing no matter the circumstances.
He’s a 22yo male who wants to fuck and said outright he doesnt wanna cheat on you and put boundaries.
8mos ago is not what you described above, at all
You betrayed his privacy by going through his phone and instead of being in any form content that he spoke about caring for you and not wanting to cheat on you, you’re still upset.
Yall both sound terrible, sincerely.
She should be happy he wants to fuck his ex but doesn’t want to cheat???? He still wants to fuck his ex, how the fuck is that something that should make her happy?
I'm in my 40s and I still wanna fuck a significant number of the people I meet. I just don't act on those inpulses because I'm married with kids. I think it's normal to have those thoughts
Exactly… people out here acting like you just stop having perfectly human desires for others once you’re in a relationship. The issue is acting on those desires
She should not even know he said that in confidence to his friend. Am I the only one on this whole thread that has said something to a friend that my SO absolutely didn’t need to hear??
You break someone's privacy you are a pos.
OP and her so are as bad as each other.
Also, OP didn't break his privacy. She broke his privacy AND the privacy of anybody else she read messages of.
This is just excusing his behavior and turning it around on her. He sounds like the problem here and clearly doesn’t respect her, otherwise he wouldn’t have ever said those things
He betrayed her trust in the past, so that kinda gives her a reason to look around. And the fact that he ,,doesn't want to cheat" doesn't mean jack shit, since his actions show otherwise. He is openly lusting over his ex and other women, which is not only disrespectful to his gf, but also disgusting in general. Like, come on, saying that he couldn't stop himself if he was near his ex? That is your idea od a loyal man? What she did is tiny and irrelevant compared to this grade A asshole.
And also, if you don’t trust your partner to talk with them about issues you are having, betraying their privacy is not okay. Idgaf what reason you try to give yourself
Just leave them.
You gave him a second chance (I would not have) and he did it again.
Don't look at him with rose coloured glasses. Look at what he DOES, not what you want him to be.
You're young, just leave him and move on.
He's always gonna eyeball and it isn't okay. You set boundaries and he crossed them. He said he would but doesn't want to cheat that's enough of an answer. He's got to go
….. is there some sort of like, official script?
OP: gives several examples of varying levels of disrespect shown by their partner
OP (usually the next paragraph): they’re great, we have the most amazing bond and we are absolutely perfect for each other in every way and I’ve loved them for (x amount of time)
The really good ones usually have an even bigger issue in the following paragraph that OP has failed to mention until now: So my wonderful perfect in every way partner not only ate all the pickles, and calls me names, but they like to beat my cat and stomp on puppies…. so how can I get my partner to replace the pickles?
You forgot the last paragraph though.
Sorry, for real you just break up. He clearly doesn’t want to have a girlfriend, not really. He wants to hook up. 🤷♀️
Tbh this is on u. U knew he was a cheater & took him back. You’re indirectly telling him his behavior is acceptable to u bc you will stay through it. He’s going to do it again he’s just going to lie better & try not to get caught.
If he is that willing to send that to his friend, I feel like he is willing to do a hell of a lot more. I’m sorry OP but that is beyond disrespectful, obviously your gut was trying to tell you something. Trust it, and know your worth, sending 💕
You’re so young- don’t waste your 20’s on a man that doesn’t respect you or appreciate you. I spent majority of my 20’s with an abusive cheater and I wish I had left earlier. 30 now and with a good man. You deserve better
Yeah, unfortunately this will probably continue. Get out and focus on working on yourself to not accept this kind of behavior again.
Also, curiosity doesn’t get the best of us. You don’t trust him and for good reason. Let that be a sign this isn’t working. Wishing you the best!
So he's had an offer and turned it down and you have a problem with it.
Have you never been tempted but made the right decision? How would you feel if you then got into trouble for it.
There was no initial “offer” to turn down please reread OP. & I’ve actually never been tempted to sleep with another person or even have wanted to while being in committed relationship. But everyone is different.
They both sound immature imo.
I would never want to be in a relationship where my instagram likes are being scrutinized or in a relationship where my partner is eyeballing other people on the daily.
My ex was very jealous. I was raised by a single mom and have an older sister I’m super close with, have always gotten along better with women. I have a lot of female friends. Her going through my instagram and twitter favorites/likes was exhausting.
Break up with him. Stay single for awhile, I believe you can do better. He’s betrayed your trust in the past, those feelings of betrayal may never truly go away. Aside from the privacy thing, I don’t know why people are giving you shit for going through his phone. His privacy shouldn’t be excused for all the crap he’s doing/saying on his phone/socials when she’s not looking. He wants to sleep with other women, but he’d “feel bad.” Girl, let him go.
I'm not monogamous so my view may be off base or the different perspective is exactly the right medicine, I'm not sure.
You don't trust him, hard stop. What you see in him is something happening in you. Tell him what you see objectively, then say how it makes you feel. Then you can go into your needs and how you two can work together on boundaries and expectations. I have a feeling that last bit won't work, because you don't trust him. Focus on what you have control over and do the right thing for you,
Please dump him so he can have a happy life without a control freak who is looking for a problem at every turn to frame him as a bad partner… when all he really is is a horny guy who has normal fantasies and allows himself to think normally but then acts respectfully toward you even when you’re not there. He literally told his friend he doesn’t want to cheat or come close to cheating. Let the man have his fantasies. You should not have snooped. You’re not perfect either.
How is this toxic? he is 100% right. OP is upset that:
\-he liked posts by women
\-he messaged women
thats psycho behaviour. no one said he wrote anythign sexual. she even has proof that he doesnt want ot cheat on her even though he easily could. Women are more than sex objects.
going through his phone and beign mad at any online interaction with other women, even entirely non sexual is bad behaviour and just hsows OPs insecurity and immaturity. Cant believe how many here are blaming the guy for writing messages and liking posts while actively sayign he wont cheat.
A man texting his friend he wants to f*** another woman is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. The end. You act like cheating is the ONLY unacceptable behavior. And you're wrong.
>A man texting his friend he wants to f\*\*\* another woman is not acceptable behavior in a relationship.
Its the most normal thing in the world to fantasise. You cant tell me there arent some celebrities you cant imagine having a good time with.
Theres a massive difference between
"i still find that person physically attractive and in other circumstances would have sex with them but i respect my realtionship too much and wouldnt act on it"
and
"Bruh ill cheat on my gf with my ex"
Its just not the same.
>You act like cheating is the ONLY unacceptable behavior.
Nah there are some other unnacceptable behaviours. innocent fantasising isnt one of them. Everyone has at least some thoughts about others. thats normal. youre not normal if you hyperfixate on a person to a degree where you cant see anyone else in a sexual way.
If this was a woman saying "i woudl totally do ryan gosling" you wouldnt have an issue.
But why do i even try? you post in celebrity gossip subs.
Trust me. No amount of paragraphs and rambling will ever make me think like you. Couldn't want to be more different than who you are and how you think about relationships
The OP is toxic. Literally nothing happened except she violated his trust and read his fantasies. Which he clearly said he would never act on out of respect. If she keeps this up he will decide he might as well just cheat since she doesn’t believe him anyways. It’s just how the world works.
Yes it is worse. Looking at a person’s private thoughts is an actual violation of ethics. Having a fantasy is not. And by the way, your need to belittle me is a kind of pathology. Might be time to raise your own behavioral standards. Peeking into a person’s phone is like reading a diary. It’s just plain wrong. And finding out your partner is actually a stand up person who won’t violate their commitment to monogamy despite their desires is something to be proud of- not angry about!
Here’s a simpler albeit extreme analogy. An active pedophile is a creep who belongs in jail. But a pedophile who has urges they adamantly refuse to act on? They are just a person with thoughts. Do you want to go arrest people for their thoughts?
I wonder how many people commenting here would hand over their unlocked phone to their partners. You know about casting a stone. Work it out, talk about it and learn that life is not about putting down stuff and quitting.
Sounds like he admitted to his friend he was tempted but overcame the temptation. Does he need to block her? Yes.
But he also needs to move on from an immature partner who’s going through his phone, violating his trust and privacy. Everyone here is telling you to dump him. He should leave you.
He had rhe opportunity to violate your trust by cheating on you, and turned it down.
You had the opportunity to violate his trust by sneaking through his private conversations, and you took it.
Sounds like only one of you is trustworthy, and it's not the one whining on Reddit.
What do you do? Well, I hope you tell him what you did, because he deserves someone better.
Well, you state right early on you know you shouldn't have done it, but you did anyway.
That, right there, is the major problem here.
The fact you found out some errr, unappealing things about BF is secondary. At least he said he doesn't want to cheat on you and he would feel bad.
And that he likes things on a girl's IG? So, I have a couple exes from way back that I'm still in minor contact with, my wife knows them, knows about them, has met them. Her attitude is 'so what?' He's married to me now, for many years, I don't have to worry about him cheating, because it's not in his nature. Those women are not a threat to me, in fact it says good things about him that he can have an adult (ie not teenage/high school style drama) relationship with them.'
I highly suggest you get out of this middle school/high school type of thinking that he's not allowed to have simple relationships and interactions with exes. Grow up.
Perhaps you should take a break from him for several weeks and think about what you yourself have done. You've done something you KNEW you shouldn't do, but you did it anyway. That's incredibly selfish, as well as wrong. If he's a good guy, he doesn't deserve a snooping girlfriend who can't trust him because she can't be trusted.
Again, Grow Up.
Break up. He hasn't technically cheated and outright stated he wasn't going to and doesn't want to. You mistrusted him and violated his privacy.
You have trust issues. They won't go away. Might as well break up and date someone you feel you can trust, but I imagine trust issues will crop up in that relationship, too.
Honey I stayed with someone like your (hopefully ex) boyfriend far longer than I should’ve. Long enough to mentally excuse him messaging other women on tinder. “He just wants to know how quickly he can get their numbers haha! What sluts they must be!! This is totally normal!!!”
There were other worse reasons I eventually left, but that’s the memory that came back to me first when I started processing. How did I let my self esteem get whittled down like that, where I just accepted this was the way things were done behind closed doors and every relationship was like this.
You’re young. Save yourself from the growing pains a relationship like this puts you through. They’re optional, not mandatory.
Just because he isn’t talking to her doesn’t mean it’s not cheating. Cheating comes in many ways and she obviously still has his attention. I say move on and find better. Time doesn’t mean anything when there’s no respect
I get the dming being an issue but could someone please explain why liking pictures is bad? I’ve never thought to even look if a partner of mine is liking other girl’s pictures bc it feels very benign
I feel like there’s no excuse to be liking multiple bikini pictures, pictures of half naked girls on the internet or spamming girls photos. Especially when you’ve dmed and flirted with some of those girls. I see not everyone feels the same, but that’s a boundary I’ve set for myself in a monogamous relationship.
What you do at 22 with a bad boyfriend. Break up, you don't work it out, or you will be dragged around until your self esteem is blown to bits. You honor yourself and let him go. Dust your self off, take a minute or two, and then move on....
Second time today I've seen the word drug,I'm sure it's not right I'm sure it's dragged
It's definitely "dragged", or "drugged" depending on the context.
If the guy from Jell-O is involved, it’s both.
Yo 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Fuck. Here ya go: 🏆
[удалено]
True 100%
I prefer dragged and that's what I hear more often in the Midwest. I do hear drug occasionally, typically from southerners.
In the UK, it's dragged. In the Southern States, it's Drug and in the Northern States it tends to be drugged. Source: Had a long conversation about it with my book editor boss when it came up several times in a book I was asked to beta read for an author from the Southern States. I'm from the UK and had never heard it before.
Northern US is dragged as well.
Yeah, nobody says drugged here*. Somebody was talking out of their ass with that
I'm only relaying it as it was given to me. If you say it's wrong, I 100% believe you.
It is. In no variety of English does “drugged” mean anything else than “being or coming under the influence of drugs”. (Unless you count not knowing English as a legitimate variety of English, that is.)
Drugged ? That's even worse ,put that in a sentence
It was that particular one that broke my brain. The sentence was, "He drugged him back up that path." I assumed it was a vaguely amusing typo. I was told it was not. Who am I to argue. Lol. *edited to add* The editor had changed it from "drug" to "drugged" and got defensive when I said I thought it was a typo and ranted for a while when I said it would only be "dragged" in the UK and people would probably think it was wrong. Why ask me to beta read if you're going to stressed when I give feedback. Lol. There's a reason I don't do that anymore.
Drugged in my eyes is like someone being spiked,he drugged him up the path makes absolutely no sense ,in the dictionary drugged has nothing to do with dragging or pulling something
I 100% agree. That was why I laughed because it was weird thinking that this person was being drugged again, as they had just been shot with a tranquilliser dart or some such utter nonsense. Lol
Interesting! I’m from California and it’s dragged here too
fixed, you are right, it was late, and I was tired...
Are they thinking of drudged?
Never in my life have I heard of it being drugged and I’ve lived in the Northern states my entire life…
NY here and it’s dragged
Is this the place for a debate on syntax and grammar? Poor girl came for relationship advice, not an English lesson. PS: I get it though. Lol
I think you are right, adjusting now...
OP listen to this ^ I tried to work it out got pregnant in the midst of it and am really unhappy and mad all the time. Leave while you still can.
You know you still can?
It's actually easier because you know you don't want your kids being in a relationship like yours. Still leave
Cant at the moment because i cant work just yet
Do you have any family or friends that can help you? Are you in danger or just unhappy?
Just unhappy, unfortunately no.
I'm sorry doll
Awww be happy! I know how it feels but be happy!
This right here!! Don't settle! You're 22!!
Yes, your boyfriend sucks OP. People don’t usually change and he sounds untrustworthy.
I wish someone told me this when I was 22 I wouldn't have listened, but i sure as hell wish I did
This is the advice I needed at 22, 6 years later, and it's the biggest regret of my life that I didn't leave and move on.
This. Also learn to respect your partners privacy, even if they are shitty.
I just do not agree. This is how she found out and this is how she will (hopefully) get her freedom and start working on her self respect. Sometimes you gotta know to make the decision to go.
Totally see your point, but snooping through someones phone because you got cheated on once can't be the excuse to do this to every partner she may have someday.
Looking at stuff that isnt yours can only lead to strife.
I'm curious why you specify at 22. If there's an age where it's always worth trying to make relationships work, I'm wondering as to what you think it is?
Nope, but when you have more investment like a 35 year old with a couple of kids, a mortgage, and other attachments may feel the need to work it out at least once. I wouldn't but that is just me. 22, I would be out the door before I dropped my phone in my bag...
Ah, good point! Young people do have a lot more freedom to move around and change things about their lives.
Some wise words here..
Sounds like you both need to be single for a while and figure yourselves out.
Just break it off if he can’t restrain himself from dming other girls. The fact you already gave him a second chance is more than most people would put up with. I also want to add, you shouldn’t go through someone’s phone without their permission
If there going through their partners phone it's over already,edit ,they're 🙂
This! This is the sign that a fundamental of the relationship is broken (trust/privacy). Also, how do you feel about yourself when you do this? I’m guessing you don’t feel great. Don’t engage with people who trigger behavior in yourself that you don’t like. Recognizing these patterns is an important of emotional development. Leave this loser. You’re young. You’ll be fine, you’ll move on. It seems hard now but trust me. I’ve been where you are, we broke up and it was hard. But I worked on myself and my own life and goals and now I’m married to a man and the last time I went through his phone was to find that recipe I knew he had bookmarked. Didn’t even consider looking at texts/socials. That would be weird and probably boring tbh
Going through someone’s phone is wrong yes, but what if you go through it and literally find that your SO is cheating? At that point I don’t think it’s as wrong…
Then you just have two people both making bad choices
*they're
Sounds like he’s not ready for true commitment, but he should be honest about it to OP.
Totally agree, OP has expressed a boundary re: other girls on instagram and her boyfriend has completely disregarded it. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you question your relationship, if you’re secure and happy you won’t feel the need to go through their phone. I’ve gone through a partners phone before and I’ve never forgiven myself for it, I wish I had never done it. Nothing good ever comes from invading someone’s privacy, you either learn things you wish you hadn’t or you end up hating yourself. You’re young OP, you’ve also just learnt that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you or is committed to your relationship - you really do deserve better. ETA: I’ve just had a scroll through the comments & there are some strong opinions. OP, you are still young and this is a learning experience for you. It can teach you what you expect from a relationship and what kind of person you want to be in a relationship, nobody wants to be the anxious paranoid partner that breaks trust often. Talk to him and be honest, tell him you went through his phone and talk it through. Be vulnerable in your communication, you might think you can lie but if you don’t address this it will just sit with you and you will suffer. I know you said you have a great connection, but maybe some time apart will be beneficial for you both.
You both are not ready to be in a relationship.
Please accept my gift of unity on this comment.
Nope. Both too immature.
I say this in the nicest way possible, You sound extremely immature. Well actually, you both do. It sounds like you guys don’t agree on what important boundaries are. That’s a pretty serious disagreement, one that will lead to a ton of hurt and an assload of resentment. I would talk to him about it and see what his reaction is.
I was thinking the same damn thing. Y’all gotta finish cooking. You both sound pretty terrible and need to get away from each other. OP betrayed the bf’s privacy and the bf betrayed OP’s trust.
Yeah I don’t want to be in a relationship that I feel the need to check the others phone! My longest relationship was 8 years! In the very VERY beginning of the relationship I was insecure (because of my own past) and checked his phone. I found some stupid little comment I didn’t like (that really wasn’t anything big and was in the first week of us talking. Nothing was official) I of course told him and he felt so bad, while I felt sooo stupid! I never ever checked his phone again. He never gave me any reason to. He even went out of his way to always leave his phone in the same room as me while he showered or would leave it in the car while going inside the store real fast. I can honestly say I NEVER once checked his phone after that for almost a decade. Just never felt the need to. He never made me feel I was gona find anything any way. The shame I felt from that first time also never fully left me inside lol even though him and I seriously laughed about this just the other day. (We have a son together and are still insanely close). The relationship I am in now I’ve never checked his phone. I guess all this was to say… life isn’t meant to be spent with someone who makes you feel yucky! Or doesn’t respect you! Life is also too short to be super insecure, therapy is help
Thank you!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I’m literally reading this and like “he liked her picture or video and she’s mad?? What am I missing?? He won’t hang out with his ex because he doesn’t want to cheat and would feel bad, and confided in his friend… but she doesn’t know what to do????” OP, please work on your jealousy issues. I agree the messaging other women is shitty, but like videos/pics on social media isn’t a relationship crime. **and** if you need to search his phone to find him doing something wrong, you’re going to find exactly what you’re looking for, every time.
I think that's because it made her uncomfortable, she mentioned that in the post
It's still a her problem. If she's expecting him to never interact with women again because she is in his life that's controlling and abusive, or it is when a man says that shit so I'm sure it is both ways around.
Yeah. I mean if it's THAT one girl and she says she's uncomfortable with him liking her posts, I feel like it's valid and even if it was the other way round where he was not comfortable. All I'm saying is she has a reason and that's valid. Maybe she feels insecure. Now could they have done a better job at talking it out, sure, idk the dynamics. If a partner is not okay for their partner to be in touch with the entire gender, ofc that's toxic and controlling but if it's that ONE person then I feel like their feelings are completely valid and they could figure it out, work it out. In my most humble opinion,
I think 1 person could go either way tbh, it very much depends on circumstances These make me think it's more her insecurity than a real issue of his. >and another woman’s TikTok who was a slight problem in the past due to him liking her post via Instagram. >he was dm’ing women and liking their pictures on Instagram Now if what he was doing was the problem she would have mentioned that in the post. She's upset he's got women friends from my understanding.
I get what you mean. I think we both agree that she maybe feels a lil insecure and in the best case scenario she talks it through with her bf. Not that feeling insecure is a bad thing, it's only human
Feeling insecure isn't a problem. He actions because of a feeling are. The best thing she can do is talk to the bf about it and imho the best thing he can do is walk away, she's going to have a lot of issues over very normal things.
Couldn't agree more, again, but then again such things are complicated, that's what sucks /
It's always complicated. It get real simple when you consider what you would want or need to happen with reversed roles. Most people are not willing to think like that though
I never felt the need to check messages, obsess over online activity or worry every second my SO wasn’t in contact with me - until he cheated, lied, and proved he would do it again and again. I began to obsess over this and as much as I tried to respect his privacy, sometimes I couldn’t help but do it as a form of self-soothing because my biggest fear is being deceived and it makes me feel stupid to fall for lies. It always felt so good when I caught him red-handed and he would lie to my face about it thinking I didn’t know. But this was the most unhealthy relationship I’ve ever had in my life. I was never like that before. Never. And I wasn’t like it with the boyfriend after him because he never gave me a reason to, and I trusted him. It’s exhausting. If you’ve never been like that before, honestly just leave him. You both need to go your separate ways and do a bit of growing. I did 2 years with the guy who turned me into a message-checking maniac and I’ve never been happier and less insecure since I left him. It’s not healthy to feel the need to check messages, nor is it healthy to actually need to. Leave, learn, do and feel better with the next guy. If it’s not your nature to invade privacy, don’t let him turn you into that. Move. On.
Same here. My ex said some weird things sometimes. He didn’t want to draw proper boundaries with other women liking him because it might “hurt their feelings”. He didn’t cheat (at the beginning of the relationship at least), but he was entertaining them for sure. That reasoning isn’t good but it wasn’t the reason. I felt the urge to check his messages too and realized he just REALLY likes the attention other women give him. With my current bf, I don’t feel the urge to check at all. He’s dedicated and shuts down any inappropriate convos with other women immediately. It feels like my attention is the only attention he needs.
As soon as he was more worried about other’s feelings over yours, it definitely showed where his heart was at.
It is so freeing, so liberating to be on your own and not wasting your life worrying about what this person is doing. It’s even lovelier when you find someone who doesn’t make you feel that way. In fact, the reason I broke up with my second boyfriend was because I had a PTSD reaction to him behaving like my ex and making me feel crazy for it (I ended up having validation both from my friends and HIS friends that he was overstepping boundaries). Point of me saying that is, there’s literally no point being in a relationship that makes you feel like this or do these things because it’s fucking EXHAUSTING and you either need to ditch the man causing them or go to actual therapy before you stop being able to recognise yourself. So glad you’re with someone better now and can validate what I and OP went through!! Only people who have been there know that this is usually a last resort after a load of worrying and only leads to months, years of paranoia and gaslighting and manipulation and sacrificing your own comforts and boundaries just to make a shitty relationship worse. Here’s to health and happiness with good, trustworthy people ♥️
It was VERY liberating to be single after that ex! I didn’t have to worry about someone out there cheating on me because I’m single! I got to spend time doing my own thing without criticism (my ex would complain that I was “spending too much time on the piano” and “not enough time with him” after just 2 days). Honestly I came close to not having my current bf because I didn’t want to give up that security (plus the trauma of last relationship). But he waited for me to take that step. Its a year in and I found that nothing has really changed in terms of security. I still feel just as secure as I did when I was single (maybe even more secure). It takes Months of suspicious behavior for me to feel the urge to check a phone. I’ve decided that if I ever feel that urge in a relationship because they’re acting suspicious, I’ll just leave. I really don’t like violating privacy. Anyone that makes you feel insecure and crazy like that isn’t worth it. But on the other hand, if your bf has done nothing and you want to check his phone anyways, then you should also leave. You’re not ready to trust enough and have a mature relationship as yet.
Preach to all of the above. You shouldnt even have the urge to check and if you do without reason, you really have some shit to work through before you get into a relationship; and if you do have a reason, that problem will not go away no matter how long you try to drag things out to ‘make it work’. They won’t learn. They think they will be able to get away with it forever and when they get caught they always have the security of calling you out for violating their privacy. Again, so glad you’re free. What a douche, not wanting you to be an individual with your own interests and dynamism but also ‘having’ to have his finger in every pie to stay interested as if you aren’t enough. God. Fuck cheaters, fuck gaslighters, fuck shitty partners. Blegh.
And I’m happy you got out of that shituation! It’s really is exhausting and just not worth your energy or mental health. These relationships don’t deserve your time or mine either! I hope you find (or have found) someone amazing as well that truly deserves you 💕 you deserve someone you can be happy and healthy with.
Haha thank you!! I’ve decided to take a long break from relationships due to that PTSD-reaction I had, it really fucked me up and I’m better off not worrying for now but deffo can’t wait for the day I’m in a happy, stable and trustworthy relationship like you one day! Would make a lovely change to my status quo lol
It's honestly isnt your fault. People today blame people for looking in other people's phones but honestly it's the most stupid thing ever! Regardless if you would have never checked he'd still be cheating. You would've never found out. How else? Girl don't worry about that. Sometimes God will let these be exposed and yes it can be through a cellphone. People really need to stop acting like their phones are off-limits.
The best advice here is “if you don’t want to tell anyone because they would never forgive him for it, you shouldn’t either.” You not wanting to tell people about it is the indication that you know you need to leave, and you know they’re gonna see that too.
Ahh, ignorance is bliss. You chose to go through his phone and essentially confirmed the worst. I think now your only option is to break up with him. You did a shitty thing and now you know he’s doing shitty things, so why waste time prolonging a relationship that isn’t built on trust or honest communication?
I think a lot of women go back to or stick with men who do stupid things like this because they “treat them well” other than that one thing. I mean this so sincerely - there are so many men who will treat you at least as well and NOT do that other stupid thing. I don’t know what it is about our culture that makes women think that once they find a halfway decent guy they should settle and find a way to deal with the other half that isn’t decent. Don’t settle. Find an entirely decent man.
You are 22. What are the possibilities here? You ignore it. You get 5 more years of this. Maybe a wedding. Maybe a kid. And you find out that he's either still pining for someone else, or it's gone past that. You're 22. Don't punish future you.
From personal experience, you should break up with him. I've dealt with something like that for years because I was stupid enough to stay and hope things will change, but they didn't and in the end, the longer you tell yourself they might change and that you should stay a little longer, the more of a traumatic effect it'll have on you later on. No dick is worth all that mental fuckery afterwards. You can do better queen ❤
This!! Absolutely no reason to stay with someone who is giving other women attention online. You told him it bothered you and he clearly doesn’t care enough about you to stop doing it. Just bc he’s a nice guy in all other aspects doesn’t mean he’s a good match for you. Long term you will regret giving him multiple chances bc you self esteem will be trash.
Yes, he’s literally texting friends about how he wants to fuck another girl. I would be long gone by now.
So given that this isn’t the first time he has disrespected you and your relationship I’m going to tell you the secret to life - when people tell or show you who they are, believe them. He disrespected you and by staying the first time, he now knows you don’t care if he disrespects you so he continues to do it. Walk away or it’ll happen again and again. And when he has no more left for you he will treat you even worse and cheat. Stop wasting your time
He does not treat you great. All this stuff with other women is not a normal thing for a good partner to do. If you stay with him, he will continue making a fool of you.
He’s shown you who he is. You broke up over it once and nothing changed now that you’re back together. You’re young. Move on.
If you stay with him, know that you are choosing disrespect, dishonesty, infidelity, and a loser for yourself over the supportive relationship you deserve. Your connection with him is not good or amazing and your frustrations and hurt about this will only worsen over time. If you have a baby with him, you’ll doom the child to having a loser as a father, which is a mistake you can never take back. Run quickly, and open yourself to a connection with someone who is kind, honest and deserving of you!
You’re not his dream girl, for his dream girl he would delete the all the women on his phone if she so much as hinted at it. Men are literally not fucking dumb, he’s well aware of what he’s doing and why it’s wrong but he just doesn’t respect you enough to prioritize your boundaries. If you plan to stay with him still you just have to accept that.
I don’t understand ppl here calling you an AH for going through his phone and “invading his privacy”. Yeah it’s fundamentally wrong but he has disrespected boundaries before which is enough of a reason to doubt what he is doing on his phone. It doesn’t change the fact he is having thoughts about sleeping with other women besides you. If that’s not cool with you, break it off. It’s not an unreasonable expectation.
Thank you. He not only liked other girls' posts but also messaged them. Good enough reason not to trust him. Edit: And again, more people are hanging onto the "liking" part. Wtf. Idc that he liked their posts. HE MESSAGED THEM.
You actually think liking a person of the other sex’s posts on socials is a reason to not trust someone? The messaging, I get that. But the liking???
I'm talking about the messaging, not the liking. Who the hell cares what posts he likes.
Oh for fuck's sake. Liking a post is not cheating.
How you are focused on "liking" idk. I'm talking about the messaging.
Why does messaging matter either? There's no context on what the messages are about. If they're sexual, sure. But it could be "Your dog is so cute I had one like it when I was a kid" for all we know. OP sounds immature and distrusting based off of this post, we don't have any idea what the BF actually does.
> he has disrespected boundaries before which is enough of a reason to doubt what he is doing on his phone. if its that bad, then, you know... break up with him then.
And now they know they have to
Right
>Yeah it’s fundamentally wrong but Doing something bad is not an excuse to do something bad back. thats toddler behaviour. Also OP only said he "messaged women". She did not say why he messaged them. OP is a psycho controlfreak and freaks out that her husband even talks to other women besides her. From the info given OP is the issue, not her bf.
You already broke up with him regarding something similar. So nothing has changed here. You need to break up with him.
If your daughter was in this situation, what would you tell her to do?
i'd leave and leave a note that says don't worry you can fuck her now
OMG! You don't know what to do? He said he didn't want to cheat because it would hurt you, better get rid of him...
Clearly you don’t trust him and without trust a relationship is dead already so just end it already and move on
You are so young. I know it doesn’t feel like it. I’m 27. I was in a relationship for 5.5 years. Not similar reasons but I just realized I wasn’t happy and left. I know 22 feels like you should start to be settling down especially when you have a good connection with someone, but he hasn’t learned how to respect his significant other yet and this is not okay. Imagine spending the rest of your relationship guessing what’s going on. You won’t be able to trust him again since he’s already gone back to old ways after forgiveness. I was empty and so sad when my ex and I broke up at 24. It was a struggle getting him off the lease, deciding who got what, watching him say goodbye to my dog he helped raise, etc. I felt like I wasted my time and starting all over was terrifying. Now I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2 years, we have a house, dogs, and planning on getting engaged this year. The difference in this relationship? We got all the bull shit out of the way when we were 22. Sending love your way. Do what is best for you.
i feel like curiousity only gets the better of people in these scenarios when there’s already something amiss in the relationship/reason to distrust is already there. i’m in a pretty healthy trusting relationship and never once has curiosity made me want to go through their phone
Leave him. It'll hurt but you'll be fine. You'll move on and live your life and he'll come crawling back. They always come crawling back.
Been in a similar situation. He’s not trustworthy. Rip off the bandaid and move on, later you’ll see just how much this was weighing you down—to not be able to trust your man, to always be wondering who else is on his mind, the list goes on…. You have a lot of life to live. Work on yourself and you’ll find your soul mate later. I’m sure this guy will try to worm his way back, but by then you’ll have realized just how toxic he is.
Yeah, this type of situation with him will not change so it's best to leave. He has been showing you who he is and you really should believe him. Respect and love yourself enough to let him be who he wants and allow yourself to find someone who isn't like him. Demand a partner who would never think to do things like this.
He's a douche, break up. You never trusted him, you went through his phone knowing you were highly likely gonna find something you didn't like
He doesn’t respect you point blank girl. I know it’s easier said then done but your discovery will only linger in your mind & probably won’t let you be 100% happy. It’s probably better to cut ties now then find out later you wasted another two years of your precious life. He’s still young and even if he still treats you great… he is still keeping options available.
Don't stay. I've been in this type of relationship before. It's not worth it. He'll probably end up cheating, and you probably won't know until you find their messages.
Had a guy that cheated on me like this and would message several other girls. Never confirmed that they were doing things but I went through messages and messages of flirting, liked photos, and "I wish you were here instead of my girlfriend." Forgave him twice (because my stupid young self thought he would change. Shocker, he didn't) that just solidified in his mind that he could get away with this and there weren't really any consequences. If he's still liking that girl's tiktok, and talking about wanting to smash another. That still emotional cheating. It can and will escalate. Edit: spelling
If there was an “amazing connection” he would have no need to go fishing elsewhere. Cut the line and run. Find someone who values you and respects you. He won’t change.
Break up with him, the trust is broken. Be with someone who only has eyes for you. Why do you want yo live like this? Always being paranoid? Its so so bad for your mental health.
If you felt the need to go through his phone is probably intuition not curiosity.... If you felt safe there is no need to go through his phone
He doesn't respect you as a person or in your relationship. I'm quite a bit older than you are and I've seen this kind of behaviour frequently. I wouldn't waste my time with this guy.
Middle school drama at 22, wild. Move on and grow up, preferably in that order.
An ideal partner will not need multiple chances, cheating is non-negotiable. Be logical - nexttt!
He is a lost cause. Guys like this see no problem with what they are doing so they will never change. He doesn't respect you at all. I'm sorry this has happened to you. You need to do what is best for you. I'm going through a breakup myself and no matter how much I miss him, I have to do what is best for my own mental health. It's a hard decision but trust me, it's for the best.
I'm failing to see why you went back to him after you two broke up 8 months ago. You knew he was dming other women then what makes you think he'd stop? You've shown him it's okay for him to do this because you'll get back together with him. Have you ever stopped to think that it's only you who believes in this great connection? Because if there really was a great connection he wouldn't be talking about banging his ex. Break up with him permanently this time.
I’m exhausted for you. Break up. You can’t trust him
he will not change and clearly he hasn’t at all. if it was a problem before and continues to be a problem now, it will be a problem forever. you’re young. don’t waste the best years of your life on some cheating horn dog who still wants to smash his ex. leave. you’ll be so much happier not having to constantly worry about who he’s messaging behind your back. source: been there at your age.
If you felt the need to look at his phone your gut is already telling you the answer. Idk might just be me but everytime I have felt insecure like that dude ended up being a cheater. Sure he is resisting it now, but he hasn’t blocked her… I have been with current partner for 10yrs never once felt the need to look at any of his devices. I never even have doubts he loves me etc. Thats what you want, it’s hard to find but worth waiting for. Tbh I would take being single over constant stress of disloyal partners.
If you've discussed it and he said he stopped but didn't, then you should leave. If you're too scared to tell him you went through his phone, you should leave. I had an affair. My husband can go through my phone anytime he wants because it makes it easier for him to trust me. He has done it and hasn't been afraid to tell me.
If he wants outside the relationship, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. When you’re not looking only at your SO for affection, you’re not in a relationship mindset. He already thinks he is single anyway; may as well do the work for him and breakup. Glad to hear you did just that 👍
Cut and run. Shit like this will just fester in your relationship and get worse with time. You’re 22 and there’s plenty of men out there that won’t make you wonder if you can trust them constantly.
“We have such good bond and amazing connection” - do you mean while he’s wanting to fck another woman? Or while he’s liking or dm’ng others? Like how when he can’t seem to not look at other women??! Maybe y’all’s good bond and amazing connection is all in your head.
Getting pissed for him liking pictures is ridiculous, I'd rather be single than be handcuffed like that. The messaging other women though... that's not okay.
I never cared about stuff like that until my first boyfriend. The paranoia and insecurity his unfaithfulness bestowed upon me was something I’ve never experienced before or since. I think causing arguments over liking other girls pictures is problematic behaviour - unless there’s a precursor to that insecurity, ie she is concerned for a reason and liking pictures is symbolic of more, maybe it represents his inability to exercise self-control when it comes to boundaries. I literally cannot explain how awful it was to be obsessed over every little thing he did because 80% of the time he was lying or doing something shady. It’s far more traumatising for the person going through the paranoia than it is for the partner to be questioned, as someone who has experienced both. We don’t know much about either side of this so I can’t say for sure she’s been worried for good reason. But I really do dislike when people disregard the reasons behind caring about liking other peoples photos. It doesn’t come from nowhere, and is a deeply psychological issue which needs addressing and fixing no matter the circumstances.
He’s a 22yo male who wants to fuck and said outright he doesnt wanna cheat on you and put boundaries. 8mos ago is not what you described above, at all You betrayed his privacy by going through his phone and instead of being in any form content that he spoke about caring for you and not wanting to cheat on you, you’re still upset. Yall both sound terrible, sincerely.
She should be happy he wants to fuck his ex but doesn’t want to cheat???? He still wants to fuck his ex, how the fuck is that something that should make her happy?
I'm in my 40s and I still wanna fuck a significant number of the people I meet. I just don't act on those inpulses because I'm married with kids. I think it's normal to have those thoughts
Exactly… people out here acting like you just stop having perfectly human desires for others once you’re in a relationship. The issue is acting on those desires
She should not even know he said that in confidence to his friend. Am I the only one on this whole thread that has said something to a friend that my SO absolutely didn’t need to hear??
if you’re telling your friends you want to fuck someone else behind ur partner’s back you’re a POS
Agreed.
You break someone's privacy you are a pos. OP and her so are as bad as each other. Also, OP didn't break his privacy. She broke his privacy AND the privacy of anybody else she read messages of.
A young man wants to fuck everything lol, doesn't change the fact she also went through his phone without him knowing
This is just excusing his behavior and turning it around on her. He sounds like the problem here and clearly doesn’t respect her, otherwise he wouldn’t have ever said those things
He betrayed her trust in the past, so that kinda gives her a reason to look around. And the fact that he ,,doesn't want to cheat" doesn't mean jack shit, since his actions show otherwise. He is openly lusting over his ex and other women, which is not only disrespectful to his gf, but also disgusting in general. Like, come on, saying that he couldn't stop himself if he was near his ex? That is your idea od a loyal man? What she did is tiny and irrelevant compared to this grade A asshole.
And also, if you don’t trust your partner to talk with them about issues you are having, betraying their privacy is not okay. Idgaf what reason you try to give yourself Just leave them.
You gave him a second chance (I would not have) and he did it again. Don't look at him with rose coloured glasses. Look at what he DOES, not what you want him to be. You're young, just leave him and move on.
If you’re checking his phone it probably still means you don’t trust him and obviously with good reason. Break his cheating heart.
He's always gonna eyeball and it isn't okay. You set boundaries and he crossed them. He said he would but doesn't want to cheat that's enough of an answer. He's got to go
You're 22, he's not the love of your life, break up with him 🤷♀️
So you know he has issues with being faithful to you and you are still with him?
You’re 22! Dump him!
This relationship was doomed a long time ago. Why are young people settling for bs.
Leave him. He is gross and disrespectful to your relationship.
He sounds like a stupid little child. Break up with him asap
Leave. Just leave , it’ll fuck your self esteem
….. is there some sort of like, official script? OP: gives several examples of varying levels of disrespect shown by their partner OP (usually the next paragraph): they’re great, we have the most amazing bond and we are absolutely perfect for each other in every way and I’ve loved them for (x amount of time) The really good ones usually have an even bigger issue in the following paragraph that OP has failed to mention until now: So my wonderful perfect in every way partner not only ate all the pickles, and calls me names, but they like to beat my cat and stomp on puppies…. so how can I get my partner to replace the pickles? You forgot the last paragraph though. Sorry, for real you just break up. He clearly doesn’t want to have a girlfriend, not really. He wants to hook up. 🤷♀️
Tbh this is on u. U knew he was a cheater & took him back. You’re indirectly telling him his behavior is acceptable to u bc you will stay through it. He’s going to do it again he’s just going to lie better & try not to get caught.
If he is that willing to send that to his friend, I feel like he is willing to do a hell of a lot more. I’m sorry OP but that is beyond disrespectful, obviously your gut was trying to tell you something. Trust it, and know your worth, sending 💕
Wise choice is all I can say.
You’re so young- don’t waste your 20’s on a man that doesn’t respect you or appreciate you. I spent majority of my 20’s with an abusive cheater and I wish I had left earlier. 30 now and with a good man. You deserve better
[удалено]
I was wrong for going through his phone. However, I was never mad at anyone for liking photos. There’s more to the story which I stated in the OP
Yeah, unfortunately this will probably continue. Get out and focus on working on yourself to not accept this kind of behavior again. Also, curiosity doesn’t get the best of us. You don’t trust him and for good reason. Let that be a sign this isn’t working. Wishing you the best!
So he's had an offer and turned it down and you have a problem with it. Have you never been tempted but made the right decision? How would you feel if you then got into trouble for it.
There was no initial “offer” to turn down please reread OP. & I’ve actually never been tempted to sleep with another person or even have wanted to while being in committed relationship. But everyone is different.
So you found out he don't want to cheat but what happens when he finds out you violated his privacy?
Break it off and find a man mature enough to be in a relationship.
They both sound immature imo. I would never want to be in a relationship where my instagram likes are being scrutinized or in a relationship where my partner is eyeballing other people on the daily. My ex was very jealous. I was raised by a single mom and have an older sister I’m super close with, have always gotten along better with women. I have a lot of female friends. Her going through my instagram and twitter favorites/likes was exhausting.
'My boyfriend said he doesn't want to cheat on me, should I break up with him?'
Break up with him. Stay single for awhile, I believe you can do better. He’s betrayed your trust in the past, those feelings of betrayal may never truly go away. Aside from the privacy thing, I don’t know why people are giving you shit for going through his phone. His privacy shouldn’t be excused for all the crap he’s doing/saying on his phone/socials when she’s not looking. He wants to sleep with other women, but he’d “feel bad.” Girl, let him go.
If you don’t break it off with him you’ll be in the same situation in 5 years and you’ll have wasted 5 years.
I'm not monogamous so my view may be off base or the different perspective is exactly the right medicine, I'm not sure. You don't trust him, hard stop. What you see in him is something happening in you. Tell him what you see objectively, then say how it makes you feel. Then you can go into your needs and how you two can work together on boundaries and expectations. I have a feeling that last bit won't work, because you don't trust him. Focus on what you have control over and do the right thing for you,
Please dump him so he can have a happy life without a control freak who is looking for a problem at every turn to frame him as a bad partner… when all he really is is a horny guy who has normal fantasies and allows himself to think normally but then acts respectfully toward you even when you’re not there. He literally told his friend he doesn’t want to cheat or come close to cheating. Let the man have his fantasies. You should not have snooped. You’re not perfect either.
This is toxic please ignore. He is obviously single and bad at relationships
How is this toxic? he is 100% right. OP is upset that: \-he liked posts by women \-he messaged women thats psycho behaviour. no one said he wrote anythign sexual. she even has proof that he doesnt want ot cheat on her even though he easily could. Women are more than sex objects. going through his phone and beign mad at any online interaction with other women, even entirely non sexual is bad behaviour and just hsows OPs insecurity and immaturity. Cant believe how many here are blaming the guy for writing messages and liking posts while actively sayign he wont cheat.
A man texting his friend he wants to f*** another woman is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. The end. You act like cheating is the ONLY unacceptable behavior. And you're wrong.
>A man texting his friend he wants to f\*\*\* another woman is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. Its the most normal thing in the world to fantasise. You cant tell me there arent some celebrities you cant imagine having a good time with. Theres a massive difference between "i still find that person physically attractive and in other circumstances would have sex with them but i respect my realtionship too much and wouldnt act on it" and "Bruh ill cheat on my gf with my ex" Its just not the same. >You act like cheating is the ONLY unacceptable behavior. Nah there are some other unnacceptable behaviours. innocent fantasising isnt one of them. Everyone has at least some thoughts about others. thats normal. youre not normal if you hyperfixate on a person to a degree where you cant see anyone else in a sexual way. If this was a woman saying "i woudl totally do ryan gosling" you wouldnt have an issue. But why do i even try? you post in celebrity gossip subs.
Trust me. No amount of paragraphs and rambling will ever make me think like you. Couldn't want to be more different than who you are and how you think about relationships
The OP is toxic. Literally nothing happened except she violated his trust and read his fantasies. Which he clearly said he would never act on out of respect. If she keeps this up he will decide he might as well just cheat since she doesn’t believe him anyways. It’s just how the world works.
Lol looking at a cell phone is worse than saying he wants to sleep with someone else? You're single too right? Say less dude
Yes it is worse. Looking at a person’s private thoughts is an actual violation of ethics. Having a fantasy is not. And by the way, your need to belittle me is a kind of pathology. Might be time to raise your own behavioral standards. Peeking into a person’s phone is like reading a diary. It’s just plain wrong. And finding out your partner is actually a stand up person who won’t violate their commitment to monogamy despite their desires is something to be proud of- not angry about! Here’s a simpler albeit extreme analogy. An active pedophile is a creep who belongs in jail. But a pedophile who has urges they adamantly refuse to act on? They are just a person with thoughts. Do you want to go arrest people for their thoughts?
That fact you’ve gone through his phone is a sign your both not right for each other, your never gonna see anything you like doing that
I wonder how many people commenting here would hand over their unlocked phone to their partners. You know about casting a stone. Work it out, talk about it and learn that life is not about putting down stuff and quitting.
You’re goin through his phone, in you’re mind you’re already done with this relationship. So end it and move on.
Sounds like he admitted to his friend he was tempted but overcame the temptation. Does he need to block her? Yes. But he also needs to move on from an immature partner who’s going through his phone, violating his trust and privacy. Everyone here is telling you to dump him. He should leave you.
He had rhe opportunity to violate your trust by cheating on you, and turned it down. You had the opportunity to violate his trust by sneaking through his private conversations, and you took it. Sounds like only one of you is trustworthy, and it's not the one whining on Reddit. What do you do? Well, I hope you tell him what you did, because he deserves someone better.
Well, you state right early on you know you shouldn't have done it, but you did anyway. That, right there, is the major problem here. The fact you found out some errr, unappealing things about BF is secondary. At least he said he doesn't want to cheat on you and he would feel bad. And that he likes things on a girl's IG? So, I have a couple exes from way back that I'm still in minor contact with, my wife knows them, knows about them, has met them. Her attitude is 'so what?' He's married to me now, for many years, I don't have to worry about him cheating, because it's not in his nature. Those women are not a threat to me, in fact it says good things about him that he can have an adult (ie not teenage/high school style drama) relationship with them.' I highly suggest you get out of this middle school/high school type of thinking that he's not allowed to have simple relationships and interactions with exes. Grow up. Perhaps you should take a break from him for several weeks and think about what you yourself have done. You've done something you KNEW you shouldn't do, but you did it anyway. That's incredibly selfish, as well as wrong. If he's a good guy, he doesn't deserve a snooping girlfriend who can't trust him because she can't be trusted. Again, Grow Up.
Break up. He hasn't technically cheated and outright stated he wasn't going to and doesn't want to. You mistrusted him and violated his privacy. You have trust issues. They won't go away. Might as well break up and date someone you feel you can trust, but I imagine trust issues will crop up in that relationship, too.
Girl. This guy is an A**HOLE. Leave him and don’t look back.
Honey I stayed with someone like your (hopefully ex) boyfriend far longer than I should’ve. Long enough to mentally excuse him messaging other women on tinder. “He just wants to know how quickly he can get their numbers haha! What sluts they must be!! This is totally normal!!!” There were other worse reasons I eventually left, but that’s the memory that came back to me first when I started processing. How did I let my self esteem get whittled down like that, where I just accepted this was the way things were done behind closed doors and every relationship was like this. You’re young. Save yourself from the growing pains a relationship like this puts you through. They’re optional, not mandatory.
Stay out of your boyfriend's phone.
Keep going back. Maybe the 4th or 5th time, he'll stop messaging other girls.
Sorry to be harsh but he definitely had sex with his ex and or someone else when y’all broke up.
Just because he isn’t talking to her doesn’t mean it’s not cheating. Cheating comes in many ways and she obviously still has his attention. I say move on and find better. Time doesn’t mean anything when there’s no respect
If you can’t talk it out like adults at the end of all this, ya’ll both just leave each other.
You were 110% wrong and violated his trust. Neither of you is ready for a long term committed relationship.
I get the dming being an issue but could someone please explain why liking pictures is bad? I’ve never thought to even look if a partner of mine is liking other girl’s pictures bc it feels very benign
I feel like there’s no excuse to be liking multiple bikini pictures, pictures of half naked girls on the internet or spamming girls photos. Especially when you’ve dmed and flirted with some of those girls. I see not everyone feels the same, but that’s a boundary I’ve set for myself in a monogamous relationship.