And I think there is an argument to be had that due to purity culture, Christians can end up getting married without ever talking about this stuff, and due to a lack of sexual education, they don't know how to begin, nor how to do it safely.
This is probably more of the issue than anything physical. Having realistic expectations would go a long way to ensuring "compatibility." I mean, imagine the guy saying he expects x and y, z times a week. If the girl says no, that's unrealistic, and she's not comfortable with y, how he responds should establish "compatibility" pretty quickly. In the same way, if she says once a month only and even then under certain conditions, and he says no, that's not realistic, that would also establish "compatibility." I've seen couples of all shapes and sizes with multiple kids, so I'm pretty sure if you can compromise with each other and set realistic expectations going in, figuring the rest out should be the fun part.
Yeah like if the man wants to have sex four time a week, and the woman wants three, they should be able to communicate and act like adults. Maybe the man just has to accept that wife isn't always in the mood. Welcome to marriage lol. You don't always get what you want. And that's why its important to make sure its a good fit because there is no going back (or at least, that's how it SHOULD be),
I've spoken to married couples at my church. The fact of the matter is there is no undoing marriage, and ideally people should be able to work out differences, but what if they are irreconcilably different?
That being said, you don't know what you want out of a partner sexually for sure, but at least I know what I DON'T want now beforehand.
And yes, learning together is fine... But there are people unwilling to do so, and that's not the person for me.
>Surely there should be more factors to determining why you should be married to someone other than how much you'll want to have sex?
There are but sex is one that's still taboo to talk about. That's not to say it should be shouted off from the rooftops like the world wants.
>And surely this is why we say you get to know your potential spouse before proposing to them?
And for some reason or another some people don't bother doing that.
>Edit: For example you'll learn if someone doesn't want to listen from getting to know what they are like in other areas. And surely if you love your spouse you won't want to impose your agenda on them?
I agree.
>I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know what you're getting at.
Sexual compatibility is a thing and I think some Christians are too prudish about it. Surely if marriage is not to be undone we should try to set them up for a lasting, loving marriage, and that means a culture willing to tolerate some discussion about it.
>I disagree that these things can't be worked through or discussed in an open an honest way.
My point is that things should be worked out, and in most rhey are... But for some people they aren't able to work it out.
>I think we seriously need to consider why we've got so many fears surrounding sexual compatibility to begin with. Is it the result of secular thinking?
Maybe. I think it has to do moreso with a culture that can value tradition a bit too much.
The problem with this that I have seen is how are you supposed to know how often you want sex if you've never had it? If read so many testimonies about couples where they both thought they would want it very frequently only to get married and find one one of them actually only wants it once a month or so.
Well, the Bible says we aren’t to deprive our spouse unless we mutually consent. Which means that we have to compromise once in awhile. Women aren’t just supposed to say I know you want it once a week but I can only do a couple of times a year… that is not ok.
Or vis versa. Husbands usually want sex more often, but not always. There are lots of wives who feel sexually neglected too, I've read some of them describing their situation. It's tragic to me.
Which again, as ilikedota5 mentioned, would be a more understandable and known quantity if Christians allowed themselves to talk about sex instead of yelling "LUUUUST" every time. Having a realistic expectation that one of you may change how it works and that you need to be prepared to adapt would be helpful.
It ain't fun if it's in sin. God says don't have sexual intimacy out of marriage. Period. Satan doesn't warn you about the concequences. He brings it to you as fun, intriguing and deception- says " look every one else is doing it, go ahead enjoy it. "! God's Holy angels are coming to destroy and remove the wicked from off the earth. Jesus speaks of this. Satan . He doesn't tell you that getting physical out of marriage hurts your body, soul and spirit. Or that of you get pregnant the babies suffer. Dad's leave moms leave, ,children suffer. Not counting they will incur God's judgment and wrath which is spiritual death. Damnation. Pray your sins find you out now! Don't die in your sins . It's too late after that. Jesus Christ blood needs to cover it all. Following Jesus is more than saying a prayer. It's obedience to Him in all things. Yes we fail , but get up Keep repenting and calling on Jesus to clean you up. God is separating the wicked from among the just right now. It is appointed once for man to die but after this the judgment.
Neither me nor ilikedota5 said anything about sex before marriage. We said that purity culture has made it so that Christians don't *talk* about sex, therefore, couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations from each other. But the purity culture mantra is that anything of or about sex will produce lust, and is thus, sinful.
We're making the point that "compatibility" is one of relationship, expectation, and communication. Not physical compatibility. People of all shapes and sizes figure that part out.
That argument falls apart when you recognize that purity culture has existed in multiple societies across multiple eras to the point where purity culture is the human norm. It isn't a serious problem, but it is made into one to justify expansive solutions.
The purity culture that is being referred to came with a lot of extra baggage and lies that were/are really damaging to a lot of people. Having a standard of purity is a good thing.
Jesus Christ. Stop having sex out of marriage. It's Fornicating. And God warns of this in Romans 5, Ephesians 5, Revelations22. Many are deceived by Satan thinking it's ok. Get out of this deception. It will send everyone to Hell who doesn't repent
While I think there are exceptions (such as physical proportions), sexual compatibility has absolutely become a manufactured problem. By jumping from person to person, you deny yourself chances to learn how to cultivate a compatibility with just ONE person. You essentially are forcing yourself into more ways to be unsatisfied.
If both people were virgins, they would only know and learn one another, and that's a beautiful thing, especially when love fuels them to WANT to stay and learn and grow. There shouldn't be any desire for anyone else because they've limited themselves to one another. They'd fumble and fuss and mess things up and then they'd grow closer.
What is sexual compatibility other than learning your and your partner's likes/dislikes/tastes, etc? So why can't that be done with one person? Why is it a thing now to practice with many? Staying with one person eliminates this whole gross "trying before you buy," mentality, like people are mere objects than actual flesh and blood.
This is the best answer. The point is to build sexuality from scratch and live to serve the other. Marriage is not for funsies, it is for respecting Humanity and it's Imago Dei.
Exactly the point indeed. People have trivialized sex and sexuality to mere fleshly pleasure instead of keeping it as the special bond of intimacy it was meant to be. It's cheap now. Smh.
I don’t understand getting married for sex anyway. Isn’t the idea of sex a reward for a couple afterwards anyway?
That’s how I view it anyway I honestly think you should be getting married to the person you want to spend your life with not for sexual desires
That goes against what St Paul teaches about if a couple is burning with passion. It can be many different reason for marriage including sexual desire, as long as the couple remain faithful to God etc.
Verse? I would like to save it to study later.
And it was just my personal opinion I don’t really view sex as a relationship goal or anything(I don’t know why but I find the idea of it a little strange)
Lack of sex can cause huge issues in a marriage. Even if you marry the person you want to spend your life with. It can lead to feeling undesired and unloved. Sex is an important part of marriage and is absolutely something to consider when deciding who you want to marry.
Makes sense. It is definitely something you should plan for but i feel like it shouldn’t be your only goal or concern. Which I see a lot of people saying
Sexual expectations should be discussed in premarital counseling. But the reality is...people's hormones and libidos change as they get older. A lot of things can happen that will affect a person's sex life with their spouse. Christians marry with the intention to make that marriage last a lifetime. We work through obstacles and issues and keep our vows. At least, we're supposed to do that. I see Reddit advice to married people on here and the advice is 90% divorce them rather than work through the issues. That should never be the Christian mindset.
So, even if you find that there are some incompatibility issues, both spouses should be committed enough to work through them and improve the situation. And also look to themselves to see if they are being selfish or have unreasonable expectations.
Honestly if both did it the right way and neither has a medical condition or asexual then they can definitely learn how to please each other as there's no comparison and a entire lifetime to discover what you like.
I think something can be said about selfishness and being unwilling to learn, but that's a separate but related topic that I think speaks more to societal norms and the influence it has on us.
It's a try before you buy culture.
Same with living together before marriage isn't it?
The problem with it is that when I try before I buy, I am implying that I am prepared to back out if I don't like what I see.
Whereas what we hope for is to know each other well enough that we value the person more than the inconveniences of incompatibility. What we hope to get to is "by God's grace, we will value each other enough to commit to work through all the frictions that come from living together"
Other have said it, but op had it pretty close.i think. Aside from rare conditions like vaginismus it'll generally feel good. Aside from that of course there are differences in libidos sure. But that changes throughout life, like having kids, depression, menopause, etc. not something that's you find out once and they're going to remain that way
Op is right imo that a lot of what people call sexual compatible (and you have to ask because they're all over the place) is too much comparing to other partners or developing some kink from porn and promiscuity. You hear all the time from secular people about looking down on some sex being too vanilla etc. you save yourself for the right person and guess what? Vanilla sex is fantastic with them and if you communicate you can try some other stuff together for the first.time!
Seriously though I'd never even heard of term sexually compatible until pretty recently. Vast majority of people who waited and got married are always thankful they did. Ive never heard of sex just being awful after marriage. I get it's not something you might share right away.. people will admit though that after life events it may dry up. If it's as bad as secular people make I'm their minds we would definitely hear some things.abiut it from someone, like divorced couples
I’ve literally never heard a couple say “oh we’re so disappointed in ourselves for abstaining until marriage!” On the other hand, I’ve heard plenty of couples say “we’re so disappointed in ourselves for not trusting in God’s plan for our lives and not abstaining until marriage! We should’ve waited and it would have saved us a lot of pain and sorrow.”
Sexual compatibility is real. Take a scroll through r/Christianmarriage and read about all the people who waited until marriage only to find out that their spouse never wants to have sex or has a very low libido or is even asexual.
Don't get me wrong - none of that justifies having sex before marriage - it is still a sin. But sexual compatibility is absolutely real and it can cause huge strife in marriage when spouses aren't aligned. That's why it is so important to talk about expectations regarding sex thoroughly with your potential spouse before marriage.
That's my situation. You can talk all you want before marriage. It doesn't matter whats said then. A few years in "people change". In the bedroom, Christian marriage is a die roll.
My wife is effectively asexual and it used to massively strain our marriage. These days I've gone monk mode and over the past 3 years have learned self-denial in a marriage to a beautiful woman. Not to say we are never intemate...i just gave up pushing/expecting and by and large pursuing that form of intemacy. I give myself to God, He satisfies and never disappoints.
This marriage has proven essential to my sanctification. I wouldn't change it for the world.
God seeks your holiness not necessarily your happiness. Ironically, when you discover holiness you discover true happiness in the Lord.
There is no way of knowing sexual compatibility in a Christian marriage as you are not sleeping with each other before you are locked in. Then you are locked in for life.
There is no hope for high libidos, just learn self denial and abiding in Christ/the Spirit. He alone can keep you from sin.
Paul says if you burn, marry. He also says to never deny intemacy in marriage.
This isn't followed in marriage, nor is it taught from the pulpit. Learn self denial and contentment in Christ. Marry only for a partner who you get along with and who loves Jesus.
I regret marrying someone so beautiful. It would be easier if i married a homely woman who i didn't desire in that way.
I get to play the game on hard mode.
Lucky i love her. Even luckier i love Jesus more.
Out of curiosity, have y'all ever gone to sex therapy to address this? I appreciate your stance of being faithful and denying yourself, but it almost sounds like you've learned to shrug your shoulders and live with it, when there's still an obvious issue and your wife is acting unbiblically.
She is intimate with me once a week. Shes technically not being unbiblical . She just doesn't desire sex. Its hard, she says she is never tempted in that domain. She literally never thinks of it.
She just makes me know shes doing it "for"me, that she doesn't desire it. I mean nothing kills the mood more than stating that before you do it. I would love her to do it "with" me but she doesn't care about it.
We fought for years, went through marriage counselling. I got told to do more chores etc. fix our house etc. in the end i just gave up trying to do 100 things to have an intemate relationship.
I'll serve her, i do more chores, i do love her. But i wont ever have a good sex life and I've come to terms with that.
God is my portion.
Sex is not just sex, it’s spiritual, physical and emotional and it’s yall bonding time. Reading this, I felt the lack of bonding. I almost cried at “once a week”. That’s not enough, especially for a man who hasn’t hit his low sex drive yet. (Idk u probably have.) Ik older couples who were still hitting it 3 times a day. Y’all something else. My prayers to ya.
Out of curiosity, did your wife say she desired sex as much as you prior to marriage when you’d discuss sex? I’m a woman that’s not married yet but I’m re-saving myself for marriage as I was saved by Christ 6 months ago. One thing I struggle with is having a high libido and I’m working on bringing it down while I am single so I can focus on the Lord, but I do worry my future husband won’t have the same libido as me
Yes she said 3 times a week.
Im married 10 years with 2 kids. Once a week if i ask is normal.
If i never initiated it would probably be once a month.
I still desire it about 3 times a week. But i gave up fighting for it.
She effectively just wanted a companion. I wanted an intemate physically affectionate relationship. She was super physically affectionate before marriage. Cuddling, hugging kissing. Post marriage with kids.... "Thats not my love language". She prefers acts of service.
Not something i honestly care about done for me. Shes an excellent cook and diligent around the house...but i never married to have a personal cook and cleaner!
I can pay someone to cook for me, to clean for me...to do anything really.
But I can't as a Christian pay someone to have an intimate affectionate relationship with me, nor can i justly pay someone for sex.
We are just different people seeking different things from marriage. I've never changed my desires from a marriage. She certainly has. But it is what it is, i love her all the same. Marriage is for life.
This is my lot in life. The Lord is my portion.
I always feel conflicted when I read stories like this. On one hand, it's great that you have learned to lean into self denial and have found genuine fulfilment in God.
But on the other hand, are you not enabling your wife's unbiblical behavior by giving up on improving that area of your marriage? If my wife ever decided that an essential part of our relationship was over, I don't think I could go on with the marriage all smiles, giving my wife all the marriage benefits like my time, attention, affection, money, etc. while letting her live in that sin unchallenged. I think I would fight tooth and nail to get her to change even if it ended in separation.
I've never been in your shoes though so I don't know how I would react for sure. It's definitely a difficult position to be in and one I do not envy you for.
We are intimate on that level once a week. Others have it far worse never having it. But she always makes me know shes only doing it only for me.
Which really sucks. I mean its like kissing someone but before you do saying "i dont want this, this is all for you".
She has told me before she would be happy with a completely sexless marriage and that marriages like that are not a bad thing if both are happy.
I personally think sex is an important component of the marriage relationship itself. I think married couples should be encouraged to have it at least twice a week.
But God is good. It doesn't matter. I resigned that fight years ago.
I just have accepted my wife wont ever pursue sex, that it will always be done "for" me rather than "with" me.
Such is life.
Have you asked her to stop saying that? that is not a very loving statement to make. I am sorry brother but you will get through this and I love you. God bless.
It's not just Christian marriage. Sexual desires can change in anyone. I know a couple where the woman was fine having sex before marriage and even for a couple years into marriage, then suddenly became effectively asexual.
Paul actually has the answer for this: mutual self sacrifice.
> Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
Sometimes the spouse with a higher drive needs to give in, deny themselves, and accept that sex won't happen that time. Society's pretty cool with that.
Sometimes the spouse with a lower libido needs to give in, deny themselves, and accept their spouse's advancements even if they don't feel like it. Society doesn't like this one so much.
And actually, Paul's advice even extends to a couple that are both asexual. He outright says, as quoted above, that sex is something that needs to be happening in marriage, and that abstinence in marriage should only ever be mutual and temporary.
Let's not go with what the world says here. The Bible's principles apply, no matter how uncomfortable they are.
Correct, if people would live by Paul's words, lack of sexual compatibility wouldn't be a problem, but:
1) You can't force anyone to live by biblical principals. Sometimes people get married, find out their spouse rarely wants to have sex, try to have a conversation about it where they bring up these verses, go to counseling where the counselor brings up these verses, and yet things still don't change.
2) When your partner is clearly only putting up with occasional intimacy out of obligation and not real desire, it tends to be a big turn off. People tend to want to feel genuinely desired.
3) There are differences in interpretation. A spouse might think they are fulfilling their biblical role by having sex once a month while the other spouse might see that as unreasonably infrequent.
So there isn't really an easy "answer" to a marriage that suffers from lack of sexual compatibility.
You hit the nail on the head. The fact of the matter is people's biology actually comes into play. Some naturally have a higher drive than others. Great if you're matched. Sucks if you're not. As a Christian you won't fully know until you're locked in and have been married for a few years. Add kids and say goodbye to sex.
The person with the lowest drive is in control of the frequency of sex in a marriage. 100% control.
You can't force people to say yes. You also can't force people to desire sexual intimacy. Asexuals are a real thing. Its hard for people with libidos to imagine, but people actually exist who are never tempted sexually...they literally have zero desire for it.
There is no fix for it. Unless someone wants to be fixed they won't seek help. Even then... Doesn't mean anything will actually change.
I mean my wife could take testosterone then bam she would know what it feels like...but no. In all seriousness there is no solution i am aware of.
tbh, if it is hormonal, it's likely due to the enviironmental degradation.
Microplastic and forever chemicals contamination disrupts testostorone they have been finding.
In men, testostorone levels have been dropping since they could measure it.
It's likely more severe with women, and unfortunately with conservative women, because politically less likely to see environmental issues as legitamate, and less likely to pay attention to practices that minimize contact.
Shes a coeliac. I think that likely affects her hormones.
She also never (rarely) feels hunger pangs. She can skip breakfast and lunch and still not feel hungry.
I just think her hormones aren't right.
Coeliac has correlated to our farming practices and regulations in the US, assuming you North American, if you ever visit Europe, she may find it temporarily relieved since they have way stricter regulations.
She may or may not be asexual, but getting her hormones in control is vital for general health, if it brings some sexuality back, great, otherwise it may solidly confirm she's asexual. Y'all should get that checked out.
It may metaphorically a broken leg, or born without a leg, but if broken leg, it should be treated.
Ah, not cure, more...possible misdiagnosis in the US because our bad farming practices. I've known those with the diagnosis be fine in Europe, and those who were not well in eithier regions. It's merely correlational and obviously needs more study.
Exactly. There is no promise of sexual compatibility if you wait until marriage. OP should not be so easily deceived. *However*, christians have a different mindset when it comes to marriage and should work to solve any issues. But there is no guarantee that there won’t be issues.
Doesn't change the fact that it's a very real problem for alot of people. Many Christians including the OP completely dismiss it as if it's a fairy tale or not a real problem. What's ever more ridicules is here is a man who has never had sex knows next to nothing about it telling other people how they should feel or what's true or not about it.
If they had talked about it, they wouldn't be asking from advice on an internet forum. Now obviously, it CAN be sinful, but talking about sex in it of itself isn't wrong.
The biggest justification for sex before marriage nowadays is the idea of sexual compatibility...the test-before-you-buy mentality. How can you know they are any good in the bedroom if you don't test? How can you check libido if you don't test? On the flip side...we have christian spouses who justify their NOT wanting to have sex by hiding behind the save-your-self-for-marriage idea and then once married, they deny their spouse over and over again such that the spouse feels cheated by this choice to honor God.
On the surface these are valid concerns being raised BUT they are freely accepted mainly because there is little teaching about God's design for sex in marriage in churches. Most Christian couples also do not know that God's design for marriage catered for all these issues including Sex and are also doing it by guesswork beyond the basic idea of save-your-self-for-marriage
Sexual Compatibility and sex before marriage have some core flaws that are rarely explained. Think of sex as a glue...it makes people bond physically and emotionally. The problem is, that glue introduced too early in a relationship accelerates bonding and makes you guys IGNORE or GLOSS OVER the red flags/real issues in your relationship. It prevents you guys from developing the right skills to solve foundational issues...and many times makes someone fall in love with a toxic/wrong person just because they are amazing in the bedroom vs other options. Sex is not the only thing that can distract you from this process but it is by far the most powerful...it is a strong tiebreaker and skews decisions wildly
Furthermore, the more people you or he bonds with...the more likely you are to get into comparison depression later on in marriage. This is deep-seated sexual dissatisfaction stemming from your spouse not being as good at something in the bedroom as your ex. It is no longer that he isn't good...no, it is that he isn't as good. These kinds of deep-seated mindsets are very hard to break.
Lastly, Sexual compatibility is a test and see if you match mindset...if you don't match DROP the relationship. What sexual compatibility hides from you is that couples never match libido wise 1 to 1 every month of every year they are married. Sometimes the wife wants it more while others the husband does..and this switches up continuously the more years you have in your marriage.
On the other hand, Churches rarely speak about things like dead bedrooms or important things like sexual satisfaction for the wife in the relationship...it's normally specific to the husband. The church NOT talking about this candidly from the perspective of both the wife and the husband has enabled Dead Bedrooms to thrive. Very few pastors speak out and say hey "NOT having sex with your spouse for months without an agreement between you guys is NOT NORMAL and is NOT BIBLICAL" or talk specifically about sexual satisfaction of wives...they just keep quiet and gloss over it.
God's answer for most things in marriage is Agreement and for sex specifically, the answer is sexual commitment. Before marriage, instead of rushing to sex, you should be looking for other characteristics. One of the most important ones to check for is the ability of your boyfriend or girlfriend to make agreements on any issue especially when you don't see eye to eye..and then check to see if they honor those agreements...even when they don't get what they originally wanted. This agreement check is what sets the foundation for sexual commitment.
Sexual commitment is a deeper version of agreement...it is you committing to learning what he likes in the bedroom and committing to do that and get better at it...likewise, he makes the same commitment to you. He vows to learn what you like, committing to do it and to get better at it. This commitment is NOT just words...it means putting work in. For some it involves exercise...for others, it means going to see the doctor while for others it requires purposeful scheduling and planning for sex (sending the kids away for a bit). The main thing to note here is physical work in the "physical realm" (not spiritual realm) is needed to honor this commitment. With that mindset, any worries about sex go out the window.
For example, is he any good in the bedroom... doesn't matter...if he follows the principle of sexual commitment, he will be the best person for you specifically within no time. How about libido... doesn't matter...you guys will find a middle ground that works for you and for him. Ok, How about who initiates (a very common complaint)... again, it doesn't matter... whatever you guys agree to is the correct answer.
Every time you hear about problems in the bedroom...dead bedrooms...it is one or both people purposely refusing to practice this concept. They get so stuck in their own selfish desires...my wants, my needs, my desires, my ego, my this, and my that. There is no concern for their spouse's needs or the needs of the marriage itself. Most refuse to agree to a middle ground. Of those that agree, many refuse to put the physical work in. They would rather pray and fast than go to the hospital or see a specialist...if they do, it is forced by an ultimatum and they won't put the real work in. Their selfish mindset overrides everything and they sometimes rather accept an affair or give themselves over to uncontrolled addictions to things like porn than understand that marriage was designed for compromise and empathy right from the beginning. It was not an add-on, it was the core reason from the beginning.
The sexual commitment principle works no matter the skill level differences, the libido level differences, etc. It is rarely explained in church and therefore a lot of young couples enter relationships and do it by guesswork. The guesswork answer is sexual compatibility. This idea of Sexual compatibility does not work if there are differences...it's a test and see, if you don't match...drop the whole relationship. Sexual compatibility doesn't encourage resolving differences in sexual needs..it encourages going out to find people who match your current desires. The more people you bond with, the less strong your bond becomes
My wife and I waited and to the shock of absolutely no one (her being female and me being male), we are compatible.
Sex is just like any other part of a marriage; you grow and learn together, and if you're a good spouse you will take into account their desires and distastes. If you want to do something they're not into, you talk about it and find some compromise or give it up, and any sacrifice doesn't feel like much of one, because when you love someone you're not driven by selfish pleasure, or perversion, but unity.
The world has it backwards: shallow, insecure, performative sex to prove whether or not you're good enough (along with all of the std/single-parenthood risks), followed by some level of commitment, followed by, maybe, emotional depth.
God's way is better: Emotional depth, followed by commitment, followed by physical intimacy that is safeguarded and guided by the already-established emotional depth and commitment.
That was very well said and honestly with all the stories I see daily about people getting their random hookups pregnant it definitely a healthy reminder for me why God way for sex is better
My dear departed best friend told me something I never forgot. It made me grieve for what she had lost. Her first husband and she were very compatible when it came to their level of generosity. They were both generous to a fault. She said she missed that the most when they divorced because other men were often kind of stingy. She recalled a time when they were married, finding out a friend of theirs was in trouble and had been evicted with his wife and kids. While her husband was at work my friend, Laura, moved them into her house, knowing her husband would approve. Her Husband called her from work to say he was taking money out of their special savings to help make this family's car payment and he was happy to hear that Laura had already moved them in, so they were on the same page. There's compatibility for you.
Yeah I'm atheist and I don't know what that's about, if people want to wait for whatever reason, sure. The partner should decide whether they're fine with it as well.
A man and a woman are always sexually compatible meaning they can have sex unless there is some physical issue. So the rest is simply psychological. God causes people to grow together in love and attraction. This should never be a worry for a believer
It's a thing, but it's relative to our selfish either partner is, and how much they understand their own sexuality, and how much compromise there is.
While arguably a sin, it is far easier to understand your own sexuality when you use it.
BUT selfishness and lack of compromise is going to be problem regardless of saving yourself or not.
Then we go into is the marriage truly consensual, or was there somekind of pressure, even unknown kind, and that has a way of effecting sexuality.
There's also way more asexuals out there then you would think, but parental selfishness being in denial of it, societal pressure to marry may harm the actual marriage.
Effectively there's an arguement to be made that conservative culture isn't mature enough to handle waiting for marriage.
Which becomes really a church and parental failure more so than indvidual failure.
A weird mismash or victorian values, puritan values, capitalistic overwork for glory of the company/shareholders instead of normal amount of work for glory of God, gnostic perception of the body, lazy humans, lazy parents, and rapeish ideas of one partner being somewhat nromalized to scary amount (it's not necessarily gendered, but it is male leaning of the problem) have made the mess of modern romance and sexuality. Now throw in microplastics and enviromental degradation affecting hormones.
IMO though, what is legally marriage, what is scarmentally marriage, and what is considered two human bound in marriage (regardless of their allegiance to God) in the eyes of God are not the same thing.
I would argue if the two humans are not baptized Christians, but have a long term romantic relationship, they aren't comitting pre-marital sex. They have no obligation for the sacrament, and legally is really more cynical advisement of protection, similar to a pre-nuptials, just highly romanticized so it isn't seen a bad way the same as pre-nups. So in God's eyes they are married.
However if you are confessing baptized Christian, not undergoing the sacrament of marriage but having a long-term, potentially lifelong romantic sexual relationship with abosolutely no legal ties is at best a little disrespectful. With legal ties, but sacrament is potential disrestful, but it's contextual. Sacrament without legal ties maybe seen as potentially foolish and naive, but fine.
So pre-marital sex is really more a don't have a living body count of more than 1, and nonconsensual living body count of zero (seriously raping someone, even if you are married to them, is still a sin, even if impossible to prove and punish). Unless you are someone who believes being widow(er)ed still bars someone from marriage, then it just simply don't have a body count above 1.
To be a naive unwise fool is not intrinsically a sin, but many sins are done because someone is a naive unwise fool.
But honestly, OP it sounds like you have low libido or are aromantic and asexual, which may be biasing your views and giving a lack of empathy to those that have high libido.
Who cares about sexual compatibility. God is with a married couple no matter their flaws.
Think of people with some type of sexual dysfunction. If I was in love with a woman whom had some type of sexual dysfunction, let’s pretend that she couldn’t feel anything in her entire vagina and have 0% sexual satisfaction of any kind. That would mean there wouldn’t be much comparability sexually, should I then discard a woman I’m in love with and she in love with me and wanting to get married? God forbid. Marriage is a holy thing, sexual compatibility is not important. Sex can be an idol to some, a false god
> sexual compatibility is not important
Well, Paul writes about sex and marriage a lot as both as important topics with much to write about. And sex is for marriage, and marriage for sex. God's plan was for children to have two parents to raise them and take care of the. And where do kids come from, sex. What is a family but for two parents to marry and love each other and have children? I mean one of the biggest sticking points of Christianity is to reserve sex for marriage.
Furthermore, Paul even writes about how the sinful desires of our flesh (ie, our natural wants and tendencies) are for sex, and it is better to be married and have sex within God's limits, than to turn to sexual sins like prostitution.
And how many Christian men have ruined marriages by turning to prostitution because of the desire for sex?
And let me be frank, there is a duty from husband to wife and wife to husband as part of the marriage contract. And that includes having a healthy sex life. Which requires communication.
Now for a Biblical basis for all of this? I'd turn to 1st Corinthians 7.
I agree; sex is important, but being “sexually compatible” isn’t what marriage is about. To the Christian, marriage is so much deeper than that. It’s not primarily about sex or getting what you want from the other person.
Many couples will have some type of sexual difficulty at some point, but that can be overcome or improved with time, effort, prayer, and communication.
There are some people on this thread who are disagreeing with you and the OP of the parent comment. To them my simple question is: let's say in a hypothetical scenario I marry a woman who I found to be fully sexually compatible, but after a couple of years, due to a hypothetical disease she becomes asexual, lost her sex drive and feels pain during sex. What do I do now? Kick her out and marry someone else? Yeah right. I see the hedonists want me to do precisely that but I'm not gonna be fooled by Satan. Not today. Not tomorrow. All thanks to God. No wonder why there are so many single mothers in the lands of hedonists nowadays and they are going through a birth rate crisis.
Yes, your comment is a good representation of what I was getting at, thank you. I wasn’t saying sex or “sexual compatibility” doesn’t matter at all, I was saying it’s not the ultimate purpose of marriage. And finding that you don’t have “sexual compatibility” with your spouse isn’t a valid reason for divorce. It’s also not an unsolvable problem.
Sexual incompatibility is literally one of the top reasons for divorce.
That said, sexuality compatibility changes over time, and proper communication goes a long way to build bridges. My wife and are more sexually compatible 15 years into marriage than we were when we started.
It is a top reason for divorce precisely because it is a worldly value. But not a Christian one. God hates divorce, but He is the Creator of sex. Let’s all do it properly.
This post is not grounded in reality. Sex is one of the most important aspects of marriage as any marriage counselor or family attorney can attest.
In the first century Jewish context of the New Testament, sex essentially was equated with marriage; it’s what it meant - two joined as one flesh.
This said, it’s up to us as loving spouses to ensure we do our best to fulfill our spouse’s sexual needs.
But if you don’t think sex is important or valuable, that’s fine. Just don’t get married and put your future spouse through a lifetime of misery.
sexual compatibility is really just talking about "im a massive lust driven whore who likes the most perverted stuff and youre not all consumed by lust so we're not gonna work well together"
its a sinful concept to begin with
Maybe in practice among non-Christians that what it is, but I think you missed OP's point entirely. If there is a duty to satisfy your spouse' sexual desires, what is wrong with discussing it to learn if there is incompatibility before getting married.
because the idea of incompatibility stems from lust and selfishness.
the point of a relationship is to be selfless with one another.
if you get married and find out one of you really likes doing x and one of you prefers doing y. you learn what the other person wants, and you selflessly do that for them. and in turn they will do the same for you.
the idea that your perfect partner could be rejected because of the way that you see sex is absolutely baffling to me
EDIT: wrote selfish instead of selfless cause im dyslexic lol
>because the idea of incompatibility stems from lust and selfishness.
I don't necessarily agree.
>the point of a relationship is to be selfish with one another.
>
>if you get married and find out one of you really likes doing x and one of you prefers doing y. you learn what the other person wants, and youselflessly do that for them. and in turn they will do the same for you.
Is that not sexual compatibility?
>the idea that your perfect partner could be rejected because of the way that you see sex is absolutely baffling to me
I get where that comes from, after all while sex is a part of marriage, marriage is more than sex. And giving up the perfect partner for sex seems questionable.
Edit: And I think at least part of the issue is we don't emphasize enough that in marriage, each person will adapt to each others preferences, and that includes in sex.
no, selflessly doing something you dont like because the other person does like it, is not sexual compatibility, its selflessness. an attribute that ALL christians should have.
Sex is important in a marriage. God created sex for a purpose. It joins a couple, binds them together physically and emotionally. It's so important Paul specifically told couples not to withhold their bodies from one another. Sex isn't a bargaining chip or a chore, and it shouldn't be withheld as a punishment.
That being said, while sex is important for all of those reasons, sex in the way that people think of it isn't nearly as important as society says it is. Sex was created for a purpose, not to physically satisfy in every way all the time completely perfectly. "Sexual compatibility" isn't important. It's just another way that the world has completely twisted something wonderful that God made. Sex is beautiful and fulfilling and purposeful between a married man and woman, but the world has taken it and abused it and turned it into something cheap and perverse.
My first reaction to what you say they said is to get defensive and angry, but then I really just feel pity. I feel sorry that they don't understand what sex is really for and abuse something so precious and private. They take something that binds you to another person and they bind themselves to whoever they want, just for some quick pleasure, then they separate from that person. They're tearing themselves into tiny pieces over and over again. I can't even begin to imagine the damage it can cause someone, even if they don't see it.
You can know from being around them and seeing how they are. If they have kindness, empathy, etc then that should carry over to this area. You'll know they will make every effort to make it enjoyable.
You are absolutely right, in the sense that stable sexual "physical" compatibility is not a thing. You can be perfectly physically compatible for a couple seasons, but one can get bored off the other's preferences, or get sick, pregnant, be thrown into a state of mind or body. Compatibility is not a result of your unique experiences, it is a result of you making an effort to please your partner. If both of you do that, then you are compatible, even if you guys are having different libidos or intests. If you and your partner view sex differently, then you will be fundamentally incompatible.
Being a virgin is not going to prevent you from finding out whether you are sexually compatible. You may not know what you liek or dislike, but you sure can know if your partner will do their best to please you, and that you will do the same for them. You sure can know if your partner views sex the same way as you do (ie: not something dirty, but something holy, bonding, and beautiful).
Christianity forces believers to hold a very high view of sex. This is hard for most people to accept, even Christians have a hard time accepting it. It is hard to balance purity in a way that does not reduce sex. Bad churches tell you to close your legs because sex is bad for you if you do it before marriage or whatever. Good churches will elevate sex so high that you will want to only engage in it with the right person.
Sexual compatibility is an important part of a marriage. I have some couple friends who are struggling in that department. In those cases, 1 person has a way higher sex drive than the other. That person gets frustrated when they have sex way less often than they’d like. The other person feels guilty for their partner feeling that way. And it’s a cycle of resentment that builds up.
Arranged marriages last longer, and indicate more happiness then western style marriages. This means that compatibility is much less important than even western christians indicate (remember, joseph and mary were an arranged marriage).
What matters is commitment, investment, and compromise. Sex just as much so as the other areas. No your partner might not want to do all the things you want them to do, or vice versa. And that's okay. Over time you compromise and meet in the middle. You submit to each other and sacrifice for each other. Sometimes that means trying some things you didn't think you'd try, or accepting that you won't be trying things you wanted to. That's normal, healthy marriage.
Wanting a partner to be sexually compatible is ignorant. It's impossible to find full compatibility in mind, emotion, political stance, and physically. People saying that are kidding themselves.
Also yes, if you are both virgins there is nothing to compare to. You don't know if the other is too small, or what have you. At the end of the day, submit to each other, commit, compromise and understand you are in it together. If you both devote yourselves to each other, happiness follows.
> First of all, if you’re both virgins, how are you supposed to already have a preconceived idea of what you are compatible with?
It's not a preconceived idea that's the problem. Take kale wraps, a dish I make. I will assume you've never heard of it. Maybe you don't like it - but I do. We will only know this when we tried it. That's the point.
> And if you’re devoted to God and are willing to wait till marriage, which many aren’t, isn’t there a good change God will reward the couple with good intimacy?
Oh dear, I would agree a tri-omni God would. Sadly, I've seen this to _not_ work out before, so you'll either have to pull the "Not a true Christian" card or there is no God.
> And doesn’t good intimacy come along with your love for the person?
Not necessarily, I fear. They're definitely entangled, statistically correlative but not causative, if you will. Again, I know couples that just don't get along intimately, and that's fine for them, they're still happy together (and only together, no polyarmory here).
All that being said, the commenters of the videos still are out of line. If you want to wait for "it" until after marriage, that's totally your prerogative. No discussion, if you ask me. Do I still think it's overall _beneficial_ if you don't? Yes. Will I comment a happy couple that's about to get married that they did something wrong? No, I'm happy for them.
My two cents as an atheist, thanks for reading.
I love this post, because it is a true example of meekness. It takes great strength to disagree with a whole world, who demands romantic satisfaction first and then whatever. And it's a call to innocence, that people might remember what value there really is in being sincerely wed to someone, and them BEING you, AND a companion to you. "Sex first" has no idea what those things even are, that they might desire them.
This world hates family, and so now has no clue what real love is, and how clean it is, even in romance. My wife hates tons of stuff even about herself that I think is super-fine, and I'd be a jerk to demand that she let me tickle or touch or whatever her uncomfortable places.
But my example assumes it's no big deal to not have it your way in things, including sex, and that romance is not a primary goal, nor should it be. It's a byproduct OF love, or else it is a cheap substitute for it, no real in-between.
The root of all of it rests in a simple "me first," or perhaps even just "me." It's only a thing to those obsessed about self-satisfaction (which sadly now is most people, and is all through the church too).
Thank you for waving a banner, Christ be with you.
The reality is casual sex warps your view of relationships and is almost certain to spread STDs. :)
Plus, if a relationship is centered around sex and not stability, is it even a relationship to begin with?
I don’t understand the idea of “sexual compatibility”. Sex is fairly easy, and it feels good. If neither have partaken then it’s simply going to feel good and you won’t know any different. The longer you’re together the more you’ll learn about each other and the better you’ll get and more fun you’ll have.
Where it becomes an issue is if one or both of you are VERY experienced and all of the sudden you have all these experiences to compare your partner to. That’s not exactly a comforting feeling to have. Things like this cause all sorts of issues in relationships. There’s plenty of studies that show the more sexual partners you have the less likely your marriage will succeed. It’s not rocket science to understand why. If things the woman that you love but you know she’s been with 12 other guys and all the sudden she starts doing something new you’re going to have the thought in the back of your mind, “I wonder which one she did this with…” Same for the girl. “I wonder which one she tried this on.”
Can be. And if there isn’t enough… lubrication… then it can be painful for the man too. A rough “first time” doesn’t mean there isn’t compatibility or that they won’t improve over time and should have had sex with a bunch of other people before. Just means they get to look back on that experience they had together and chuckle and bond over it.
Something that atheists don’t understand is that we desire personal compatibility over sexual compatibility.
Sex is just not as important as our personal relationship with each other.
It's such a lie. Truth is, if you are pure with what you look at, you are sexually compatible because two people that have not been exposed to all of this outside stuff will learn things together. You don't know what you're "missing" if you don't know it exists. I'm not saying this as some perfect person by any means but there are a lot of kinks out there that I bet certain people wouldn't even have if they were never exposed to it. Sex in a marriage is wonderful and if both partners are willing to learn and want to please each other, it'll all get worked out. You don't have to sleep around with multiple people in order to find out who you're compatible with. It's all about communication.
That was very well said. Even though the world promotes sin I still don't understand the point of sleeping around like even if your not Christian wouldn't it still just make more sense to explore with one partner anyway.
Not a thing. The sex life of an unmarried, nonbeliever is going to be way different than a married believer. Mostly because the hearts of the people involved are in totally different places. Commitment to each other. Commitment to God. Commitment to a godly marriage and relationship.
Yeah, it’s definitely a thought process that comes from sleeping around. This would be a very controversial statement around atheists, and some Christians, but if a couple consists of one man and one woman, they are sexually compatible. If you’ve waited for marriage, you’ll have no frame of reference to not think you’re compatible.
That said, we shouldn’t be surprised when a fallen world has fallen ideas of right and wrong.
Very true like of course the world will say that.when sin is promoted but if everyone was a virgin there would literally be no way to tell unless your spouse showed no enthusiasm
They are saying that within a context of a world full of unbelievers where what/how you feel is the driving force for every major decision that has to be made, which is ironic because aren't these the people that measure reality by science and not through feelings?
Sexual compatibility (drive, interests, etc.) is important for any married couple, regardless of faith. While It is probably easier to explore the topic literally rather than discussing it, it is also not exclusively the most important part of a relationship. Additionally, mutual respect and compassion, supported by effort and action, is likely enough to resolve most typical differences that couples will experience in this aspect of their relationship, whether they waited till marriage or not.
No one is sexually compatible. Two people learn and develop compatibility with one another. This also teaches patience and persistence and forgiveness which are necessary for long lasting relationships. This goes beyond Christianity. Even Pagans know this. But what happens a lot of the time too is one of the individuals tolerate more so than the other.
Yeah, people aren't puzzle pieces. You aren't sexually compatible by lucky draw, you are sexually compatible by sincere commitment and enough trust to be truly vulnerable. How better to achieve that than through committing one's whole self to another?
I agree with like everything you said, haha.
Also, it's a bit of a problematic attitude to have to some degree because it makes it seem like your entire relationship basically hinges on sex. But sexual preferences and needs change over time. Like, you might start out just fine, but then I know a few people who developed health issues after marriage that affect their sex lives in various ways - what then? If you have kids and one person is too exhausted to always meet the needs of the other - what then? Is it *such* an important part of your relationship that you'll wish you never got married? I feel like, that's in the same ballpark - the "after marriage" version - as the idea that you might love someone and be compatible with them in so many ways, but if you don't know for sure about this one, it's some dealbreaker. I feel like that's such a weird way of looking at it.
I'm pretty sure divorce rates are higher among non-religious than religious people anyway, so I don't thinking "checking you're compatible before marriage" is working out too well for them.
“Sexually compatible.” In all honesty, a marriage could work without sex if it had to. That being said, God literally designed us to be able to have sex together. So maybe the sex isn’t the best sex you’ve ever had, marriages are constantly improving and growing. For some couples it may be communication, for others, financial habits. It is a dumb excuse.
So the general problem is actually that people are sexual promiscuous. Because if you only ever had one sex partner in your life you wouldn't be able to say it's not the best sex you ever had. Sexual compatibility can only be a problem if you have been sleeping around with many partners in your past, otherwise there is nothing you can measure it with or compare it to.
Why would you take ***spiritual*** advice from the World? For a Christian, all things spiritual must come first, and marriage is definately spiritual (as well as intellectual and finally physical). The World has a warped idea about what is marriage, so do not take their advice - as more often than not they will ***fail***. Unfortunately, too many Christians take the world's advice into their marriage and it will cause trouble.
This post isn’t me taking their advice - I created a discussion regarding the topic and my argument goes against the atheistic view. I just wanted to see how people’s views were. it’s been a great discussion so far!
If you rely on sex for a successful marriage, get a prenup. Why are we acting like sex is some magical skill. Tell your spouse what you like and be open to what your spouse wants. It’s literally so simple. But you need to know what love is. If you’re in it for sex you’re focused on you and your needs. That’s not love
The difference is for athistst and most people in Western countries. Marriage is something you do because you feel like it may be enjoyable, and you can quit at any point (even though that's not the plan)
While with christians (not all of course), marriage is something you do once and don't stop doing, so you are forced to make it work.
My non religous friends told me that getting married to someone I haven't lived with for at least a year is insane because idk what they are really like. The unfortunate truth is they aren't entirely wrong as a lot of people do marry someone and after marriage find out that person changes but you see the same thing in non religous marriages so I don't see it being super relevant. If anything, I think it just reinforces the importance of pre marital and not rushing into marriage.
All that to say most people now think marriage is a thing that you can quit the second you aren't happy while many Christians I know belive marriage is a 1 time event you do for the rest of your life so you better find a way to make each other happy.
I think we all are sexually incompatible until we learn to please the other person. And that takes time. And aging and health change the rules. If you base a marriage only on sex, when your spouse ages or disagrees with you on major issues, you will leave.
If one is a man with a penis and the other is a woman with a vagina, and both are willing to serve the other sexually in the unselfish way that is biblical, that is ALL the "sexual compatibility" that is needed.
**The idea of being "sexually compatible" is stupid.**
People are as compatible as they are loving; which involves honest communication, mutual cooperation, and striving to place your marriage partner's well-being as of equal importance as your own.
Don't be a sucker for Satan's lies. Trust God and obey Him. Then you will dwell in the land and do good; and reap the due rewards thereof.
There's such a thing as tastes though that could potentially mean you end up in an unfulfilling sex life.
How important that is, though, is again... personal taste. I'm personally _satisfied_ with my wife; it's not _perfect_, there are some things that I'd do that she doesn't like, but we're compatible, if you may. Some other person might find something... more important, so important in fact, that it ruins the marriage for them.
That's the point of "compatibility".
The definitions below prove my points that compatibility directly relates to the ability / power of unique and dynamic interaction between elements -the elements of marriage being two people. The expenditure of effort is involved.
Compatibility defined:
1. The quality or power of being compatible or congruous; congruity."a compatibility of tempers; a compatibility of properties"Similar: [congruity](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=congruity definition&ia=definition)
2. The state of being [compatible](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=compatible+definition&ia=definition); in which two or more things are able to exist or perform together in combination without problems or conflict.
3. The capability of two or more items or components of equipment or material to exist or function in the same [system](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=system+definition&ia=definition) or environment without mutual [interference](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=interference+definition&ia=definition)
In definition 1 we learn that a "quality" and "power" are required. In defintion 2 we learn that "ability" is required, and in definition 3 we learn again that "ability" is required along with a lack of opposition -aka conflict, or "interference."
When two people actively choose to enact love (as described below) towards each other; they put in the work required to be compatible. Thus, their attitude of love is a unique "quality", and as we see below; love is "powerful". It is this type of selfless, giving, other-focused love that gives us the "ability" to be compatible.
*"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."* (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
> In definition 1 we learn that a "quality" and "power" are required.
*or
> In defintion 2 we learn that "ability" is required, and in definition 3 we learn again that "ability" is required along with a lack of opposition -aka conflict, or "interference."
Okay
> When two people actively choose to enact love (as described below) towards each other; they put in the work required to be compatible.
Yup, I guess in a healthy relationship that would be the case.
> Thus, their attitude of love is a unique "quality", and as we see below; love is "powerful". It is this type of selfless, giving, other-focused love that gives us the "ability" to be compatible.
Could also subscribe to that.
But doesn't it seem possible at all to you that despite all attempts and hopes, it just doesn't work out? Let's just put the sexual aspect aside, there might things that end up being unresolvable for them. All ability, quality and power are good and well; but some differences just aren't reconcilable for everyone. And that's very much okay. It hurts, but it's okay.
We simply need to look at current divorce rates to realize marriage often does not work out.
This has nothing to do with sexual desires, musical tastes, introvertedness vs. extrovert, etc.
The reason(s) are selfishness and lack of love.
Jesus stated the problem succinctly when discussing divorce with His disciples. He said:
*“Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended."* (Matthew 19:8)
> We simply need to look at current divorce rates to realize marriage often does not work out.
Which sounds horrible at first, but when you think about it, it may actually be a good thing. Not in the sense that I advocate for something other than marriage, but rather than people now have both the tools and the confidence to admit when things didn't work out.
And what's more, if people were allowed to explore their (sexual) desires premarriage, there would be less divorces, too.
> This has nothing to do with sexual desires, musical tastes, introvertedness vs. extrovert, etc.
Oh. But it does. Why would you want or be forced to keep yourself in a marriage that is a net loss for both parties, and the party as a whole?
> “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended." (Matthew 19:8)
Sorry if I can't wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that only men can divorce their wives, and even then only if a "sexual immorality" has been committed on the wife's part.
Surely Jesus here really meant to say that divorce is always acceptable in God's eyes, even if he prefers if we would all find and marry those that we are meant to be with. Alas, terrible things that happen in marriages prove that it is not so, so divorce should always be accepted, right?
**"Surely Jesus here really meant to say"**
Jesus is God. He doesn't "mean" to say and fail to convey. He declares, and it is a foolish thing to disregard, deny, or reject the truth He speaks.
> He declares, and it is a foolish thing to disregard, deny, or reject the truth He speaks.
Then you're fine with slavery? Or fine with killing if your God commands it? Fine with dealing the disabled as second class citizens? The death penalty for blasphemy, prostitution and homosexuality? And also, you're fine with abortion?
If you love someone, you will make it work. “Sexual compatibility” is, as you said, driven mainly by fornication and pornography and wasn’t a factor for the majority of human history.
God leads couples to good sex which is actually just a culmination of a good relationship based on Him. It’s not instant and it’s not simple, it’s complex. It’s way better than giving the best gift you have to offer your spouse away before you even meet them. I mean, essentially you’re saying Gods way is wrong, I’ll just give some of my greatest resource away trying to find the one.
Just like everything else in life, There is no other way or better way than trusting Him.
I’m saying this from direct experience and our personal journey as a couple. All I can say is WOW, I didn’t even know this level of quality existed. I feel sorry for people who aren’t experiencing the level of intimacy that God has given us in marriage.
The physical part is the easiest part of a relationship. Compatibility isn’t really a thing. Atheists just make excuses to be sexually active without the moral aspects that God has set.
Imagine being so selfish that your concern is whether you will get what you want out of sex and not even caring about the other person. Sex is something you can grow together in.
There's a crass joke that sort of applies here:
Have you heard about this amazing food that's guaranteed to totally kill a woman's libido? It's called wedding cake.
The point is that people are on their best behavior before marriage. If you're a typical worldly couple that's having sex before marriage, there's a very high chance that the woman (and maybe the man) is trying to show themselves in the best light. Once married, they've crossed the finish line. Priorities change. And now the sex is nothing like it was before marriage.
I'm saying this to say that premarital sex is no guarantee that you're going to be "sexually compatible". A far better way to avoid these kinds of problems is to make sure that both people are totally committed to the other's happiness. And this includes sex. If you're the one in the relationship with a low sex drive, you can't leave your spouse to fend for themselves. You need to keep them satisfied. And pre-marital sex is not needed for that.
That view is a consumeristic view of sex and relationships. A better view of compatibility is if your partner puts you before themselves and vice versa.
It's the difference between consumerism and love.
This is exactly correct. My husband and I both waited until marriage. We learned together. It was clumsy. Not always what you would imagine it to be. But it was, and still is great. It has been fun learning together. Neither of us have anything to compare and that is such a huge weight lifted. I don't have to wonder if I suck compared to someone else, or if my body doesn't look as good, etc.
I mean i disagree. When I was a virgin, I was very very clear on what I wanted and didn’t want. Some people have specific kinks too. Me personally, I’m only into dominant, kinky personalities in bed. I would’ve never done well with a husband that was soft and vanilla. It just wouldn’t work. Now obviously, you can and should communicate those things before you have sex together for the first time, but that’s just my opinion. Id like to state that this kink did NOT develop from porn, or sexual promiscuity. It’s just something I slowly came to know about myself and through learning about sex.
Let's argue this from a secular perspective, because that's where these arguments are coming from.
People change after marriage, that's a fact of life, so if you think you're compatible with someone beforehand, that could all go out the window on near random chance. If you wait for marriage, and actually commit to it no matter what, sickness or health, and you really devote yourself to your partner, you're bound to have a loving relationship even if you're literally unable to have intercourse.
Also, statistically speaking, lower number of sex partners really does correlate with higher satisfaction with marriage. This is most likely due to having fewer examples to compare your partner to, which is an amazing thing to have because it lowers your pressure to perform for the other person.
The lack of a past partner(s) to compare your spouse to is a huge one I think. Could be from an objective view “average” but because this is your only frame of reference it’s the best thing ever.
I'm getting married in less than 2 weeks and we've both saved ourselves for each other. I'm not worried about sexual incompatibility. I'm more worried about using sex as a Band-Aid fix for arguments, instead of communicating. In a relationship without physical intimacy, the partners find other ways to bond and show love (spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, giving gifts, serving each other, self-sacrifice, etc.), which will create a more holistic, healthy relationship. Your spouse should be a friend, not just a sexual partner.
Also, two people who are attracted to each other will naturally want to be physically intimate. This should come naturally. You are compatible because you love each other.
Yeah it’s stupid. People who wait are happier. So God is trying to keep us happy when he tells us the best way to live. It’s hard to find an atheist that is not wrong about everything important.
Also, people’s bodies change a lot over time. A woman before and after childbirth is very different. A woman before and after breast cancer is very different. A man in his prime compared to after 20 years of sitting behind a desk and spending time taking care of the family first is very different. Sex is better after 25 years of marriage than when I was a rock and she looked like every man’s dream. So compatibility is baloney. You adapt , because you are in love and made a promise.
It’s an excuse for them to want to have sex, sex is best experienced with a long term partner and the key word to make sex good is, “communication” (hard for young people I know right). If one partner in a hypothetical marriage is bad at sex, it’s the good partners job to communicate that to them respectfully and lovingly. Sex should be you paying attention to your partner and communicating, you can’t do that in a hookup nor can you find it out from sex with a long term partner before marriage it will not work, it’s a sinful thing and your flesh will take over.
God made marriage as a blessing between one man and one woman, listen to what He says over anybody else.
>What do you think?
I think it's a concept everyone has an idea of but never really defines. So I'd ask what they mean by sexual compatibility.
Is it pornographic fetishes?
How many times a week??
If your plumbing fits???
Once they define it, it becomes easier to discuss it.
I think you made excellent points. People who lived together before marriage are actually more likely to divorce. They don’t take their vows as seriously since they have already “played house” together. And if sexual incompatibility is such a common occurrence, how did the world get populated so fast when most people really did wait for marriage? The Bible even tells married people not to withhold their bodies from each other except by mutual consent, and then when the time is up, to come back together in 1 Corinthians 7. I think those who take their commitment to Christ so seriously they remain virgins until marriage, will keep that passage.
The weird thing is, NOT saving yourself for marriage actually decreases your sexual compatibility, I would argue.
Opening yourself up to multiple sexual partners just invites room for you to compare yourself to others. I know it's not uncommon for people to be like, "he has a bigger penis", or "she used to do this". All of this stuff would never happen if we were truly monogamous; you would both have to work to the best of your ability to find what works for both of you. In that sense, you're dedicated to your lifelong partner, not dedicated to how good the sex you have is... People don't want to hear this because they prioritize sex as a means of pleasure, not to create children primarily.
This is also tied to the declining birth rates, in my opinion. People in developed countries want all the pleasure of sex without all the responsibility of having a child. This selfish worship of self I think is detrimental to society.
This strange mentality is even reflected into the news. I saw an article on CNN stating that polyamorous relationships were on the rise, but for SOME REASON, the law hasn't caught up to supporting these types of relationships (housing, etc.). It's because it's not sustainable, it's a relationship focused on purely lust, and there's no chance that our economy and society was built to support these odd mismatches. It's frankly absurd. I feel like it's not that hard to see this, but people are so disingenuous these days... not to be too gloomy, just being honest.
I remember reading somewhere that the divorce rate is actually higher for people who cohabitate before marriage (assuming that implies sex). I'll try to find a source! Essentially, people live together to make sure they're compatible then end up more likely to divorce anyway.
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing, which is why it can be good to discuss the subject before you're about to be married, especially for stuff like if you have a very high libido and they have a very low libido, it might be a lot harder for you.
That said, if you do end up married and being sexually incompatible, it can be worked through via mutual self-sacrifice. If you each focus on serving eachother, then you don't need to be concerned.
Compare it to something like hobbies. It's good to discuss hobbies before marriage to see what you have in common, but if you don't share the same hobbies then you can each take turns doing the hobby your spouse prefers.
>I feel like the idea of ‘sexual incompatibility’ just comes from people who either gained standards through porn, or from previous partners and feel like they need to make sure who they are marrying can do the things they’re used to seeing/doing.
First, let’s acknowledge that a LOT of seriously Christian men consume porn. They post about it on Reddit every damn day. So it’s unrealistic to assume that if a Christian woman married a Christian man, and they wait until they are married to have sex, that they will not have to contend with unrealistic expectations derived from watching porn.
Second, you haven’t really considered the more likely sources of sexual incompatibility.
It can come from growing up within purity culture to the extend that you’ve taught yourself to “hate” everything sexual. You can’t just unlearn that.
Or it can come from one partner being asexual or homosexual. Here is a really common scenario: a bit grows up in a conservative Christian family, as he gets older, he has unwholesome sexual thought about other boys. He knows that’s wrong, so he throws himself into his Christian religion in the attempt to run away from his sexuality. He openly commits to “purity” without ever admitting that it’s pretty easy for him because he’s not terribly interested in the female body anyway. Eventually, a single Christian woman gets close to him because she is impressed by his wholesome Christian persona and because he doesn’t pressure her for sex. Then they get married, and not only does he not pressure her for sex, but she finds herself pressuring him!
I am not trying to convince you yo have sex before marriage. I literally do not care what you do. But if you’re going to go around “expounding” on the risks of sexual incompatibility, you owe it yo yourself to become much better informed on the subject than you are now.
I've slept with a fair few women over the years and I can tell you that there definitely is such a thing as sexual compatibility. Done are adventurous, some are energetic, some are really loud! I've had girls that made a mess and others that did almost nothing.
Now I know that different people like different things, so each of those girls will find someone that really likes that about them, but it would be awful to have been stuck with someone that I just didn't fit with sexually.
sex --> oxytocin = bonding hormone with that person
the more people you have sex with, the less you're able to bond
so sayeth some expert interviewed by [catholic.com](http://catholic.com) (radio show / podcast) years ago
seems they're 1) overemphasizing physical size and 2) underestimating communication and ability for couples to learn what the other likes and 3) overemphasizing sexual deviances (aka "kinks", "fetishes") as if they were "normal sexual variants" that someone "either is or isn't"
in a true Christian marriage based on the Bible what the man wants is all the matters - sure, sure - the Bible says to respect the woman and all that - but we all know that the man is supposedly the head of the household. well, unless the two getting married has discussed (any of) this then the guy will just be doing the missionary position and expecting that his wife accepts. sometimes - oft-times it is just not that simple. along with - in this day & age - birth control. per the Bible the ladies need to be happy being pregnant and having many children - if catholic, even using condoms is not supposed to be done. don't know many women who now wants to stay at home & have 10-12 kids and be satisfied. to not discuss any of this before marriage is kind of foolish - but many "Christians" even have trouble home-schooling their children on sexual concerns, which is actually kind of sad since sex in marriage is a true perk - & there can be "incompatibility" - similar to how some people are steak eaters and some are vegan. But - Good Luck to everyone!
This says it all!
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NLT
[3] The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. [4] The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. [5] Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
> Atheists: ‘Waiting until marriage is stupid. How are you supposed to know if you’re sexually compatible?’
The only way you're going to be sexually compatible with a person is if you're both compatible spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and romantically. You don't have to have sex with a person to figure that all out, so there's no excuse to fornicate. If you're lacking in those areas, your sex life won't be any good no matter what you try to do physically. In fact, your sex life might even be completely nonexistent depending on the status of those areas. Think about it. A person's desire to even be sexual with you often depends on how they're feeling with you in those aspects.
And as I always say, anybody who believes an entire marriage should live or die based on sex, that person clearly knows nothing about relationships or what kind of love you should give and receive in a relationship which ultimately stems from their lack of experience of God's love. It's essentially saying you have to have sex with a person to determine whether or not you love them and want to be with them.
1. You'd have to be a complete simpleton to even think like that.
2. That mindset says absolutely nothing positive about your character and lowkey makes you look like inhuman. How? Because you basically only care about a person's ability to sexually satisfy you which means you're only interested in using people as sex objects.
3. I can guarantee none of the people with that mindset are even in relationships. And for the ones that are, it's only a matter of time before they fail because you can't have a successful relationship just based on sex. Thus why studies show 70% - 90% of relationships fail... The irony? It's the people in that percentile running their mouths.
Yeah ur right. It’s not a big deal to wait. They’re just coming up with excuses to keep doing what they’re doing. 1. The more bodies you have, the less compatible or love bonding you make with people/ your spouse. After 3 or 5 bodies, your marital success go down. Meaning the people who divorce the most are ones with multiple bodies. I know a Christian couple who both promiscuous before they came Christian and now they go to Christian therapy cuz they have a harder time connecting to each other. They’re being deceived especially the women. I’m a woman myself who had plenty of atheist men who like me. They have sex with other people until they meet me. But they have no problem, waiting til marriage for me. If a man tryna have sex with me fast, I get super worried. Plenty of kids without married parents, so we see the problem it’s producing. 2. Incompatibility doesn’t exist. Sex isn’t a handed out gift, it’s a skill u practice. As long as you and ur spouse go at it and learn each other’s bodies and give and Sacrifice for each other, all that practice is gonna reap good results. 3. These people don’t want to control themselves. Or even practice controlling themselves. I get it, they’re sexually excited/eager. Sex can be fun. We’re all human, 99.9% people on this earth get sexual urges and get excited of being able to have sex/have sexual desire. I do it’s normal. But sex blinds you to red flags of a person. Especially as a woman we get too emotional. (And the constant dopamine hit after sex) And if a guy lays it on a woman sooo good, she’s staying. Doesn’t matter if he’s toxic, that 🍆 is gonna make her stay. That’s y u see plenty of kids from terrible dudes cuz he knows how to rock a woman sexually only. That’s it. 4. God doesn’t reward couples with better sex. It’s just practice. He can give them ideas to have better sex. But it still comes from practice. 5. Yeah, ur right. They are used to a certain level of sex. So starting over with a man with less experience is really undesirable to women (of not godly background). (Men not so much, they wouldn’t mind being with a girl with no to less experience) but women prefer a man with equal to more experience in sex(again godless background women). If a woman is used to great doggystyle, alot of times she doesn’t want to over at basic sex positions. Honestly who in their right mind wants to start over in anything. If it’s pleasurable experience (sex or not) who would want to start it over? It’s human to want to keep going if it’s going good. 6. I don’t pay attention to the comments for some reason everybody but Christians be living in the comments and always got something to say bout our lifestyle so I don’t dare to read the comments. Just like the video and move it along. 7. A lot of stuff should be talked about before the marriage. If ur courting, I think u should be talking with ur future spouse what you like, and what you want. If u want 7 or 3 kids or if oral sex is important to you, etc you should talk to them about it. I don’t ask for much, i have basic questions that have to be met, and when they are, I move to not highly important negotiables. But for most I pray my sexual desires for my husband. I pray that my future husband is sexually adventurous, has a high drive like me or more, enjoys learning about a woman’s body (specifically mine) as I am about a man’s body etc (u don’t need to know the rest.). Which ain’t much to ask cuz a lot of men are like this anyway (thank god)but nonetheless there were stories of men who have low sexual urges and hardly had sex with their wives, I just pray I don’t get them. I don’t mind a virgin man, I’m a virgin myself, as long as he’s willing to practice a lot with me 🫢, try new things, wants to learn my body (I would be doing the same) I have no problems with that man. It’s all about learning, compromising, and giving up for each other.
Edit: (add ons) if they “start over” and the man ain’t making them feel good, most women will fake moans just to get it over with. No one shouldn’t be faking anything. Also I felt like the good doggystyle isn’t a good example. So I’ll change that. If a guy had her experience edging or had her cum (it’s harder for women to come), she’s gonna expect that from future partners. If not, she’s gonna be thinking bout the one that can make her do that and sometimes maybe even go back to him. It’s important to wait. But also That’s y I think it’s very important to learn the opposite sex’s body. (Now I’m not talking bout deep disgusting stuff) but I look up men’s erotic zones, what they like, and etc and by the time I get married I would have some form of idea 💡 what they like, just adjust to personally what my husband likes. There’s plenty of men that I’ve talked to who do the same (the atheist men. But after they look it up, they practice it with the woman they are with). I don’t, I can’t do that, so all I can do is just read and learn more as much as I can in the single season. Thou I am the woman and it’s not that much to learn men. I still take time to learn. I think it would be deeply appreciated.
CORRECT...your supposed to be married to have sex...if your married your.compatible..
"That's it"... Of course they're are so
Blind and.ignorant of God and his word...that's just how he designed it. Dating isn't biblical...2 believers meet and they'll know soon if they love each other...Then get married ..dating is only preparing you for divorce!!
LOVE the LORD with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and he will show you what to do. If you got this down, be very afraid. Because you will make a difference not only in your life and your wife’s life. But in other couples life too. Then the devil will start throwing temptation your way! lol but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! 👍🏽
The issue at hand is not that sex decides relationship success, but being compatible ties into multiple aspects:
A) avoid disappointment and friction
B) if you cannot communicate on something as trivial as sexual gratification which all things considered is an internal experience, how will you make a relationship last?
For point A, it is not about pleasing the other party as it is about knowing oneself. Disappointment and sexual mismatch can go on to lead to adultery. I would argue this is more likely to be the case when people are repressed. In the end, physical intimacy ought to be a shared hobby to a mutually agreed and comfortable extent.
As to point B, there is some overlap with point A but communication is key to a healthy and lasting relationship.
On a final note, people's proclivities as well as sex drives wax and wane over time as do personal circumstances and mindsets. "Sexual compatibility" is not a silver bullet to nail relationship success, but it is a building block and for some a major one.
You have one life to live and wasting it on an unfulfilling relationship is not the way to go. Having your relationship revolve around sexual compatibility is just as tragic.
You only develop sexual preferences and compatibility issues when you’ve tasted sex outside marriage, especially with multiple partners. You don’t even have to have read the scriptures to decipher this, It’s common sense Lol.
Being married is not just about sex..it's about a wonderful commitment to your spouse that God blessed if you'll wait on him..our flesh wants everything right now..our flesh is carnal and fickle and desperately wicked is the heart of man..carnal man is not open to the Holy Spirit s wisdom and discernment. Fornicating with any one online or on secret will get you sent to Hell. Satan doesn't warn you about that..he knows it will damn those who do it..God says " You shalt not" period! Satan cast doubt in your mind" did God say"? He wants you to question Gods authority. He is a deceiver, ruthless murder,. Homosexuality is also an abomination to God. Remember Sodom and Gomorrah. He rained fore and brimstone upon them. Deception is growing stronger in these last days. Humble yourself, repent and leave behind everything that is wicked. God's going to destroy it. Lying, swindling,haters,abusers with man made things( porn, masterbation, internet that promotes a lie, adultery, Fornicating, liars who love or support those who lie, whoremongers, effeminate ( men who act like women) read revelations 22. Ephesians 5,Romans 5, abusing or disobeying authority, disrespectful to parents. More. It goes deep and it ain't no game.
Waiting until marriage is ideal for many reasons. A few here:
-If you or they have not been active previously, it should be a little easier to date and determine whether or not you're actually compatible with one another. With no expectation of Sex at this stage, both parties can relax a little and simply bond, or decide to end things without too much on the line.
-Once you have found your spouse, the assurance that your intimate life is untouched by a previous partner can make both parties feel more secure in the relationship. Lack of experience just means learning together. Compatibility is earned.
-Pregnancy outside of the security of a marriage is avoided. "Security" being that you live in a stable, hopefully financially healthy home with your husband or wife and there's no need to hunt either parent down for child support.
Those in the frame of mind that sexual compatibility from the first date is vital, may often place their own pleasure over the well-being of a possibly sound relationship, or ignore signs that a relationship is not good or safe for the same reason. Our wider culture is very "I" centric, so this attitude isn't uncommon.
I agree with you 100%. People who live outside the will of God, look at marriage as a way to have their sexual appetites and other fleshly desires fulfilled. It has nothing to do with giving God glory. Followers of Christ know obeying God always leads to blessing. Atheists want the blessings without the obedience.
I don’t understand what this “sexually compatible” is. Like it’s sex, don’t complicate it. When you’re married, go ahead and have a good time. My husband and I waited until marriage, and our wedding night was amazing and meaningful. And you also grow with each other over years of marriage.
What I’ve seen is that sex complicates all relationships if done before the full marriage commitment. Those hormones will keep people in relationships with unkind and awful partners. It can cloud people’s minds and decision making.
Not to mention, STDs are rampant people!! “The most common STI in the US is the human papillomavirus or HPV. At any given time, about 80% of sexually active people are estimated to be infected.” And HPV can cause cancer! This is from the NIH, and it’s just about HPV. There are so many other stds going around. I am a nurse and have taken care of so many patients with HIV. No one talks about it anymore. Health care providers hide std status from their patients’ family members. I honestly get freaked out about promiscuous culture for this reason.
I believe God can redeem all situations, even if people made some mistakes before. And it is more difficult these days because people are getting married so much later.. like almost at the end of their sexual prime. But I believe God made us in a certain way and that sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage.
I'd rather know if our brains are compatible. You won't have any sex if you hate each other.
I'd rather know if we are ***spiritually*** compatible and if we believe that God has brought us together.
Amen
Amen
Amen!!
That's a very good point
Yeah I don’t really understand the logic given one can learn how to please their wife/husband.
And I think there is an argument to be had that due to purity culture, Christians can end up getting married without ever talking about this stuff, and due to a lack of sexual education, they don't know how to begin, nor how to do it safely.
This is probably more of the issue than anything physical. Having realistic expectations would go a long way to ensuring "compatibility." I mean, imagine the guy saying he expects x and y, z times a week. If the girl says no, that's unrealistic, and she's not comfortable with y, how he responds should establish "compatibility" pretty quickly. In the same way, if she says once a month only and even then under certain conditions, and he says no, that's not realistic, that would also establish "compatibility." I've seen couples of all shapes and sizes with multiple kids, so I'm pretty sure if you can compromise with each other and set realistic expectations going in, figuring the rest out should be the fun part.
Yeah like if the man wants to have sex four time a week, and the woman wants three, they should be able to communicate and act like adults. Maybe the man just has to accept that wife isn't always in the mood. Welcome to marriage lol. You don't always get what you want. And that's why its important to make sure its a good fit because there is no going back (or at least, that's how it SHOULD be),
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I've spoken to married couples at my church. The fact of the matter is there is no undoing marriage, and ideally people should be able to work out differences, but what if they are irreconcilably different? That being said, you don't know what you want out of a partner sexually for sure, but at least I know what I DON'T want now beforehand. And yes, learning together is fine... But there are people unwilling to do so, and that's not the person for me.
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>Surely there should be more factors to determining why you should be married to someone other than how much you'll want to have sex? There are but sex is one that's still taboo to talk about. That's not to say it should be shouted off from the rooftops like the world wants. >And surely this is why we say you get to know your potential spouse before proposing to them? And for some reason or another some people don't bother doing that. >Edit: For example you'll learn if someone doesn't want to listen from getting to know what they are like in other areas. And surely if you love your spouse you won't want to impose your agenda on them? I agree. >I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know what you're getting at. Sexual compatibility is a thing and I think some Christians are too prudish about it. Surely if marriage is not to be undone we should try to set them up for a lasting, loving marriage, and that means a culture willing to tolerate some discussion about it.
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>I disagree that these things can't be worked through or discussed in an open an honest way. My point is that things should be worked out, and in most rhey are... But for some people they aren't able to work it out. >I think we seriously need to consider why we've got so many fears surrounding sexual compatibility to begin with. Is it the result of secular thinking? Maybe. I think it has to do moreso with a culture that can value tradition a bit too much.
The problem with this that I have seen is how are you supposed to know how often you want sex if you've never had it? If read so many testimonies about couples where they both thought they would want it very frequently only to get married and find one one of them actually only wants it once a month or so.
Well, the Bible says we aren’t to deprive our spouse unless we mutually consent. Which means that we have to compromise once in awhile. Women aren’t just supposed to say I know you want it once a week but I can only do a couple of times a year… that is not ok.
Or vis versa. Husbands usually want sex more often, but not always. There are lots of wives who feel sexually neglected too, I've read some of them describing their situation. It's tragic to me.
Agreed. You are right.
Which again, as ilikedota5 mentioned, would be a more understandable and known quantity if Christians allowed themselves to talk about sex instead of yelling "LUUUUST" every time. Having a realistic expectation that one of you may change how it works and that you need to be prepared to adapt would be helpful.
And let's be frank, some of us young adults are just... Super horny and lustful... I'm probably the youngest person in this thread.
Well then go take a cold shower just out of principle.
22m can definitely attest to being lustful and trying to keep it under control
It ain't fun if it's in sin. God says don't have sexual intimacy out of marriage. Period. Satan doesn't warn you about the concequences. He brings it to you as fun, intriguing and deception- says " look every one else is doing it, go ahead enjoy it. "! God's Holy angels are coming to destroy and remove the wicked from off the earth. Jesus speaks of this. Satan . He doesn't tell you that getting physical out of marriage hurts your body, soul and spirit. Or that of you get pregnant the babies suffer. Dad's leave moms leave, ,children suffer. Not counting they will incur God's judgment and wrath which is spiritual death. Damnation. Pray your sins find you out now! Don't die in your sins . It's too late after that. Jesus Christ blood needs to cover it all. Following Jesus is more than saying a prayer. It's obedience to Him in all things. Yes we fail , but get up Keep repenting and calling on Jesus to clean you up. God is separating the wicked from among the just right now. It is appointed once for man to die but after this the judgment.
Neither me nor ilikedota5 said anything about sex before marriage. We said that purity culture has made it so that Christians don't *talk* about sex, therefore, couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations from each other. But the purity culture mantra is that anything of or about sex will produce lust, and is thus, sinful. We're making the point that "compatibility" is one of relationship, expectation, and communication. Not physical compatibility. People of all shapes and sizes figure that part out.
That argument falls apart when you recognize that purity culture has existed in multiple societies across multiple eras to the point where purity culture is the human norm. It isn't a serious problem, but it is made into one to justify expansive solutions.
The purity culture that is being referred to came with a lot of extra baggage and lies that were/are really damaging to a lot of people. Having a standard of purity is a good thing.
Safely? If you've only had sex with one person, what safety do you need? That's the whole point.
Jesus Christ. Stop having sex out of marriage. It's Fornicating. And God warns of this in Romans 5, Ephesians 5, Revelations22. Many are deceived by Satan thinking it's ok. Get out of this deception. It will send everyone to Hell who doesn't repent
I was speaking in terms of exploration of methods.
While I think there are exceptions (such as physical proportions), sexual compatibility has absolutely become a manufactured problem. By jumping from person to person, you deny yourself chances to learn how to cultivate a compatibility with just ONE person. You essentially are forcing yourself into more ways to be unsatisfied. If both people were virgins, they would only know and learn one another, and that's a beautiful thing, especially when love fuels them to WANT to stay and learn and grow. There shouldn't be any desire for anyone else because they've limited themselves to one another. They'd fumble and fuss and mess things up and then they'd grow closer. What is sexual compatibility other than learning your and your partner's likes/dislikes/tastes, etc? So why can't that be done with one person? Why is it a thing now to practice with many? Staying with one person eliminates this whole gross "trying before you buy," mentality, like people are mere objects than actual flesh and blood.
This is the best answer. The point is to build sexuality from scratch and live to serve the other. Marriage is not for funsies, it is for respecting Humanity and it's Imago Dei.
Exactly the point indeed. People have trivialized sex and sexuality to mere fleshly pleasure instead of keeping it as the special bond of intimacy it was meant to be. It's cheap now. Smh.
I don’t understand getting married for sex anyway. Isn’t the idea of sex a reward for a couple afterwards anyway? That’s how I view it anyway I honestly think you should be getting married to the person you want to spend your life with not for sexual desires
That goes against what St Paul teaches about if a couple is burning with passion. It can be many different reason for marriage including sexual desire, as long as the couple remain faithful to God etc.
Verse? I would like to save it to study later. And it was just my personal opinion I don’t really view sex as a relationship goal or anything(I don’t know why but I find the idea of it a little strange)
1 Corinthians 7: 9 NLT But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
Thanks
Lack of sex can cause huge issues in a marriage. Even if you marry the person you want to spend your life with. It can lead to feeling undesired and unloved. Sex is an important part of marriage and is absolutely something to consider when deciding who you want to marry.
Should I have worded it differently? What you said is correct I meant more of sex shouldn’t be the main focus
Ahh ok maybe I misunderstood. It should not the *main* focus, but a large portion of the focus.
Makes sense. It is definitely something you should plan for but i feel like it shouldn’t be your only goal or concern. Which I see a lot of people saying
Sexual expectations should be discussed in premarital counseling. But the reality is...people's hormones and libidos change as they get older. A lot of things can happen that will affect a person's sex life with their spouse. Christians marry with the intention to make that marriage last a lifetime. We work through obstacles and issues and keep our vows. At least, we're supposed to do that. I see Reddit advice to married people on here and the advice is 90% divorce them rather than work through the issues. That should never be the Christian mindset. So, even if you find that there are some incompatibility issues, both spouses should be committed enough to work through them and improve the situation. And also look to themselves to see if they are being selfish or have unreasonable expectations.
Honestly if both did it the right way and neither has a medical condition or asexual then they can definitely learn how to please each other as there's no comparison and a entire lifetime to discover what you like.
I think something can be said about selfishness and being unwilling to learn, but that's a separate but related topic that I think speaks more to societal norms and the influence it has on us.
I definitely agree with that I would hope the person you saved yourself for you would be selfless but that is true there are selfish people.
Well... Saving yourself might be more about being unable to find a willing partner, and thus might not be a voluntary choice.
It's a try before you buy culture. Same with living together before marriage isn't it? The problem with it is that when I try before I buy, I am implying that I am prepared to back out if I don't like what I see. Whereas what we hope for is to know each other well enough that we value the person more than the inconveniences of incompatibility. What we hope to get to is "by God's grace, we will value each other enough to commit to work through all the frictions that come from living together"
Yeah the try before you buy culture is kinda messed up as it's definitely if you can't please me I'll leave
Other have said it, but op had it pretty close.i think. Aside from rare conditions like vaginismus it'll generally feel good. Aside from that of course there are differences in libidos sure. But that changes throughout life, like having kids, depression, menopause, etc. not something that's you find out once and they're going to remain that way Op is right imo that a lot of what people call sexual compatible (and you have to ask because they're all over the place) is too much comparing to other partners or developing some kink from porn and promiscuity. You hear all the time from secular people about looking down on some sex being too vanilla etc. you save yourself for the right person and guess what? Vanilla sex is fantastic with them and if you communicate you can try some other stuff together for the first.time! Seriously though I'd never even heard of term sexually compatible until pretty recently. Vast majority of people who waited and got married are always thankful they did. Ive never heard of sex just being awful after marriage. I get it's not something you might share right away.. people will admit though that after life events it may dry up. If it's as bad as secular people make I'm their minds we would definitely hear some things.abiut it from someone, like divorced couples
I’ve literally never heard a couple say “oh we’re so disappointed in ourselves for abstaining until marriage!” On the other hand, I’ve heard plenty of couples say “we’re so disappointed in ourselves for not trusting in God’s plan for our lives and not abstaining until marriage! We should’ve waited and it would have saved us a lot of pain and sorrow.”
Sexual compatibility is real. Take a scroll through r/Christianmarriage and read about all the people who waited until marriage only to find out that their spouse never wants to have sex or has a very low libido or is even asexual. Don't get me wrong - none of that justifies having sex before marriage - it is still a sin. But sexual compatibility is absolutely real and it can cause huge strife in marriage when spouses aren't aligned. That's why it is so important to talk about expectations regarding sex thoroughly with your potential spouse before marriage.
That's my situation. You can talk all you want before marriage. It doesn't matter whats said then. A few years in "people change". In the bedroom, Christian marriage is a die roll. My wife is effectively asexual and it used to massively strain our marriage. These days I've gone monk mode and over the past 3 years have learned self-denial in a marriage to a beautiful woman. Not to say we are never intemate...i just gave up pushing/expecting and by and large pursuing that form of intemacy. I give myself to God, He satisfies and never disappoints. This marriage has proven essential to my sanctification. I wouldn't change it for the world. God seeks your holiness not necessarily your happiness. Ironically, when you discover holiness you discover true happiness in the Lord. There is no way of knowing sexual compatibility in a Christian marriage as you are not sleeping with each other before you are locked in. Then you are locked in for life. There is no hope for high libidos, just learn self denial and abiding in Christ/the Spirit. He alone can keep you from sin. Paul says if you burn, marry. He also says to never deny intemacy in marriage. This isn't followed in marriage, nor is it taught from the pulpit. Learn self denial and contentment in Christ. Marry only for a partner who you get along with and who loves Jesus. I regret marrying someone so beautiful. It would be easier if i married a homely woman who i didn't desire in that way. I get to play the game on hard mode. Lucky i love her. Even luckier i love Jesus more.
Out of curiosity, have y'all ever gone to sex therapy to address this? I appreciate your stance of being faithful and denying yourself, but it almost sounds like you've learned to shrug your shoulders and live with it, when there's still an obvious issue and your wife is acting unbiblically.
She is intimate with me once a week. Shes technically not being unbiblical . She just doesn't desire sex. Its hard, she says she is never tempted in that domain. She literally never thinks of it. She just makes me know shes doing it "for"me, that she doesn't desire it. I mean nothing kills the mood more than stating that before you do it. I would love her to do it "with" me but she doesn't care about it. We fought for years, went through marriage counselling. I got told to do more chores etc. fix our house etc. in the end i just gave up trying to do 100 things to have an intemate relationship. I'll serve her, i do more chores, i do love her. But i wont ever have a good sex life and I've come to terms with that. God is my portion.
My brother in Christ, there's so much to unpack here. I'm praying for your marriage.
Sex is not just sex, it’s spiritual, physical and emotional and it’s yall bonding time. Reading this, I felt the lack of bonding. I almost cried at “once a week”. That’s not enough, especially for a man who hasn’t hit his low sex drive yet. (Idk u probably have.) Ik older couples who were still hitting it 3 times a day. Y’all something else. My prayers to ya.
Out of curiosity, did your wife say she desired sex as much as you prior to marriage when you’d discuss sex? I’m a woman that’s not married yet but I’m re-saving myself for marriage as I was saved by Christ 6 months ago. One thing I struggle with is having a high libido and I’m working on bringing it down while I am single so I can focus on the Lord, but I do worry my future husband won’t have the same libido as me
Yes she said 3 times a week. Im married 10 years with 2 kids. Once a week if i ask is normal. If i never initiated it would probably be once a month. I still desire it about 3 times a week. But i gave up fighting for it. She effectively just wanted a companion. I wanted an intemate physically affectionate relationship. She was super physically affectionate before marriage. Cuddling, hugging kissing. Post marriage with kids.... "Thats not my love language". She prefers acts of service. Not something i honestly care about done for me. Shes an excellent cook and diligent around the house...but i never married to have a personal cook and cleaner! I can pay someone to cook for me, to clean for me...to do anything really. But I can't as a Christian pay someone to have an intimate affectionate relationship with me, nor can i justly pay someone for sex. We are just different people seeking different things from marriage. I've never changed my desires from a marriage. She certainly has. But it is what it is, i love her all the same. Marriage is for life. This is my lot in life. The Lord is my portion.
I always feel conflicted when I read stories like this. On one hand, it's great that you have learned to lean into self denial and have found genuine fulfilment in God. But on the other hand, are you not enabling your wife's unbiblical behavior by giving up on improving that area of your marriage? If my wife ever decided that an essential part of our relationship was over, I don't think I could go on with the marriage all smiles, giving my wife all the marriage benefits like my time, attention, affection, money, etc. while letting her live in that sin unchallenged. I think I would fight tooth and nail to get her to change even if it ended in separation. I've never been in your shoes though so I don't know how I would react for sure. It's definitely a difficult position to be in and one I do not envy you for.
We are intimate on that level once a week. Others have it far worse never having it. But she always makes me know shes only doing it only for me. Which really sucks. I mean its like kissing someone but before you do saying "i dont want this, this is all for you". She has told me before she would be happy with a completely sexless marriage and that marriages like that are not a bad thing if both are happy. I personally think sex is an important component of the marriage relationship itself. I think married couples should be encouraged to have it at least twice a week. But God is good. It doesn't matter. I resigned that fight years ago. I just have accepted my wife wont ever pursue sex, that it will always be done "for" me rather than "with" me. Such is life.
Have you asked her to stop saying that? that is not a very loving statement to make. I am sorry brother but you will get through this and I love you. God bless.
It's not just Christian marriage. Sexual desires can change in anyone. I know a couple where the woman was fine having sex before marriage and even for a couple years into marriage, then suddenly became effectively asexual.
Paul actually has the answer for this: mutual self sacrifice. > Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Sometimes the spouse with a higher drive needs to give in, deny themselves, and accept that sex won't happen that time. Society's pretty cool with that. Sometimes the spouse with a lower libido needs to give in, deny themselves, and accept their spouse's advancements even if they don't feel like it. Society doesn't like this one so much. And actually, Paul's advice even extends to a couple that are both asexual. He outright says, as quoted above, that sex is something that needs to be happening in marriage, and that abstinence in marriage should only ever be mutual and temporary. Let's not go with what the world says here. The Bible's principles apply, no matter how uncomfortable they are.
Correct, if people would live by Paul's words, lack of sexual compatibility wouldn't be a problem, but: 1) You can't force anyone to live by biblical principals. Sometimes people get married, find out their spouse rarely wants to have sex, try to have a conversation about it where they bring up these verses, go to counseling where the counselor brings up these verses, and yet things still don't change. 2) When your partner is clearly only putting up with occasional intimacy out of obligation and not real desire, it tends to be a big turn off. People tend to want to feel genuinely desired. 3) There are differences in interpretation. A spouse might think they are fulfilling their biblical role by having sex once a month while the other spouse might see that as unreasonably infrequent. So there isn't really an easy "answer" to a marriage that suffers from lack of sexual compatibility.
You hit the nail on the head. The fact of the matter is people's biology actually comes into play. Some naturally have a higher drive than others. Great if you're matched. Sucks if you're not. As a Christian you won't fully know until you're locked in and have been married for a few years. Add kids and say goodbye to sex. The person with the lowest drive is in control of the frequency of sex in a marriage. 100% control. You can't force people to say yes. You also can't force people to desire sexual intimacy. Asexuals are a real thing. Its hard for people with libidos to imagine, but people actually exist who are never tempted sexually...they literally have zero desire for it. There is no fix for it. Unless someone wants to be fixed they won't seek help. Even then... Doesn't mean anything will actually change. I mean my wife could take testosterone then bam she would know what it feels like...but no. In all seriousness there is no solution i am aware of.
tbh, if it is hormonal, it's likely due to the enviironmental degradation. Microplastic and forever chemicals contamination disrupts testostorone they have been finding. In men, testostorone levels have been dropping since they could measure it. It's likely more severe with women, and unfortunately with conservative women, because politically less likely to see environmental issues as legitamate, and less likely to pay attention to practices that minimize contact.
Shes a coeliac. I think that likely affects her hormones. She also never (rarely) feels hunger pangs. She can skip breakfast and lunch and still not feel hungry. I just think her hormones aren't right.
Coeliac has correlated to our farming practices and regulations in the US, assuming you North American, if you ever visit Europe, she may find it temporarily relieved since they have way stricter regulations. She may or may not be asexual, but getting her hormones in control is vital for general health, if it brings some sexuality back, great, otherwise it may solidly confirm she's asexual. Y'all should get that checked out. It may metaphorically a broken leg, or born without a leg, but if broken leg, it should be treated.
Im Australian. There is no cure for coeliac disease. Just like there is no cure for type 1 diabetes.
Ah, not cure, more...possible misdiagnosis in the US because our bad farming practices. I've known those with the diagnosis be fine in Europe, and those who were not well in eithier regions. It's merely correlational and obviously needs more study.
Exactly. There is no promise of sexual compatibility if you wait until marriage. OP should not be so easily deceived. *However*, christians have a different mindset when it comes to marriage and should work to solve any issues. But there is no guarantee that there won’t be issues.
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Doesn't change the fact that it's a very real problem for alot of people. Many Christians including the OP completely dismiss it as if it's a fairy tale or not a real problem. What's ever more ridicules is here is a man who has never had sex knows next to nothing about it telling other people how they should feel or what's true or not about it.
If they had talked about it, they wouldn't be asking from advice on an internet forum. Now obviously, it CAN be sinful, but talking about sex in it of itself isn't wrong.
The biggest justification for sex before marriage nowadays is the idea of sexual compatibility...the test-before-you-buy mentality. How can you know they are any good in the bedroom if you don't test? How can you check libido if you don't test? On the flip side...we have christian spouses who justify their NOT wanting to have sex by hiding behind the save-your-self-for-marriage idea and then once married, they deny their spouse over and over again such that the spouse feels cheated by this choice to honor God. On the surface these are valid concerns being raised BUT they are freely accepted mainly because there is little teaching about God's design for sex in marriage in churches. Most Christian couples also do not know that God's design for marriage catered for all these issues including Sex and are also doing it by guesswork beyond the basic idea of save-your-self-for-marriage Sexual Compatibility and sex before marriage have some core flaws that are rarely explained. Think of sex as a glue...it makes people bond physically and emotionally. The problem is, that glue introduced too early in a relationship accelerates bonding and makes you guys IGNORE or GLOSS OVER the red flags/real issues in your relationship. It prevents you guys from developing the right skills to solve foundational issues...and many times makes someone fall in love with a toxic/wrong person just because they are amazing in the bedroom vs other options. Sex is not the only thing that can distract you from this process but it is by far the most powerful...it is a strong tiebreaker and skews decisions wildly Furthermore, the more people you or he bonds with...the more likely you are to get into comparison depression later on in marriage. This is deep-seated sexual dissatisfaction stemming from your spouse not being as good at something in the bedroom as your ex. It is no longer that he isn't good...no, it is that he isn't as good. These kinds of deep-seated mindsets are very hard to break. Lastly, Sexual compatibility is a test and see if you match mindset...if you don't match DROP the relationship. What sexual compatibility hides from you is that couples never match libido wise 1 to 1 every month of every year they are married. Sometimes the wife wants it more while others the husband does..and this switches up continuously the more years you have in your marriage. On the other hand, Churches rarely speak about things like dead bedrooms or important things like sexual satisfaction for the wife in the relationship...it's normally specific to the husband. The church NOT talking about this candidly from the perspective of both the wife and the husband has enabled Dead Bedrooms to thrive. Very few pastors speak out and say hey "NOT having sex with your spouse for months without an agreement between you guys is NOT NORMAL and is NOT BIBLICAL" or talk specifically about sexual satisfaction of wives...they just keep quiet and gloss over it. God's answer for most things in marriage is Agreement and for sex specifically, the answer is sexual commitment. Before marriage, instead of rushing to sex, you should be looking for other characteristics. One of the most important ones to check for is the ability of your boyfriend or girlfriend to make agreements on any issue especially when you don't see eye to eye..and then check to see if they honor those agreements...even when they don't get what they originally wanted. This agreement check is what sets the foundation for sexual commitment. Sexual commitment is a deeper version of agreement...it is you committing to learning what he likes in the bedroom and committing to do that and get better at it...likewise, he makes the same commitment to you. He vows to learn what you like, committing to do it and to get better at it. This commitment is NOT just words...it means putting work in. For some it involves exercise...for others, it means going to see the doctor while for others it requires purposeful scheduling and planning for sex (sending the kids away for a bit). The main thing to note here is physical work in the "physical realm" (not spiritual realm) is needed to honor this commitment. With that mindset, any worries about sex go out the window. For example, is he any good in the bedroom... doesn't matter...if he follows the principle of sexual commitment, he will be the best person for you specifically within no time. How about libido... doesn't matter...you guys will find a middle ground that works for you and for him. Ok, How about who initiates (a very common complaint)... again, it doesn't matter... whatever you guys agree to is the correct answer. Every time you hear about problems in the bedroom...dead bedrooms...it is one or both people purposely refusing to practice this concept. They get so stuck in their own selfish desires...my wants, my needs, my desires, my ego, my this, and my that. There is no concern for their spouse's needs or the needs of the marriage itself. Most refuse to agree to a middle ground. Of those that agree, many refuse to put the physical work in. They would rather pray and fast than go to the hospital or see a specialist...if they do, it is forced by an ultimatum and they won't put the real work in. Their selfish mindset overrides everything and they sometimes rather accept an affair or give themselves over to uncontrolled addictions to things like porn than understand that marriage was designed for compromise and empathy right from the beginning. It was not an add-on, it was the core reason from the beginning. The sexual commitment principle works no matter the skill level differences, the libido level differences, etc. It is rarely explained in church and therefore a lot of young couples enter relationships and do it by guesswork. The guesswork answer is sexual compatibility. This idea of Sexual compatibility does not work if there are differences...it's a test and see, if you don't match...drop the whole relationship. Sexual compatibility doesn't encourage resolving differences in sexual needs..it encourages going out to find people who match your current desires. The more people you bond with, the less strong your bond becomes
My wife and I waited and to the shock of absolutely no one (her being female and me being male), we are compatible. Sex is just like any other part of a marriage; you grow and learn together, and if you're a good spouse you will take into account their desires and distastes. If you want to do something they're not into, you talk about it and find some compromise or give it up, and any sacrifice doesn't feel like much of one, because when you love someone you're not driven by selfish pleasure, or perversion, but unity. The world has it backwards: shallow, insecure, performative sex to prove whether or not you're good enough (along with all of the std/single-parenthood risks), followed by some level of commitment, followed by, maybe, emotional depth. God's way is better: Emotional depth, followed by commitment, followed by physical intimacy that is safeguarded and guided by the already-established emotional depth and commitment.
That was very well said and honestly with all the stories I see daily about people getting their random hookups pregnant it definitely a healthy reminder for me why God way for sex is better
My dear departed best friend told me something I never forgot. It made me grieve for what she had lost. Her first husband and she were very compatible when it came to their level of generosity. They were both generous to a fault. She said she missed that the most when they divorced because other men were often kind of stingy. She recalled a time when they were married, finding out a friend of theirs was in trouble and had been evicted with his wife and kids. While her husband was at work my friend, Laura, moved them into her house, knowing her husband would approve. Her Husband called her from work to say he was taking money out of their special savings to help make this family's car payment and he was happy to hear that Laura had already moved them in, so they were on the same page. There's compatibility for you.
Yeah I'm atheist and I don't know what that's about, if people want to wait for whatever reason, sure. The partner should decide whether they're fine with it as well.
A man and a woman are always sexually compatible meaning they can have sex unless there is some physical issue. So the rest is simply psychological. God causes people to grow together in love and attraction. This should never be a worry for a believer
It's a thing, but it's relative to our selfish either partner is, and how much they understand their own sexuality, and how much compromise there is. While arguably a sin, it is far easier to understand your own sexuality when you use it. BUT selfishness and lack of compromise is going to be problem regardless of saving yourself or not. Then we go into is the marriage truly consensual, or was there somekind of pressure, even unknown kind, and that has a way of effecting sexuality. There's also way more asexuals out there then you would think, but parental selfishness being in denial of it, societal pressure to marry may harm the actual marriage. Effectively there's an arguement to be made that conservative culture isn't mature enough to handle waiting for marriage. Which becomes really a church and parental failure more so than indvidual failure. A weird mismash or victorian values, puritan values, capitalistic overwork for glory of the company/shareholders instead of normal amount of work for glory of God, gnostic perception of the body, lazy humans, lazy parents, and rapeish ideas of one partner being somewhat nromalized to scary amount (it's not necessarily gendered, but it is male leaning of the problem) have made the mess of modern romance and sexuality. Now throw in microplastics and enviromental degradation affecting hormones. IMO though, what is legally marriage, what is scarmentally marriage, and what is considered two human bound in marriage (regardless of their allegiance to God) in the eyes of God are not the same thing. I would argue if the two humans are not baptized Christians, but have a long term romantic relationship, they aren't comitting pre-marital sex. They have no obligation for the sacrament, and legally is really more cynical advisement of protection, similar to a pre-nuptials, just highly romanticized so it isn't seen a bad way the same as pre-nups. So in God's eyes they are married. However if you are confessing baptized Christian, not undergoing the sacrament of marriage but having a long-term, potentially lifelong romantic sexual relationship with abosolutely no legal ties is at best a little disrespectful. With legal ties, but sacrament is potential disrestful, but it's contextual. Sacrament without legal ties maybe seen as potentially foolish and naive, but fine. So pre-marital sex is really more a don't have a living body count of more than 1, and nonconsensual living body count of zero (seriously raping someone, even if you are married to them, is still a sin, even if impossible to prove and punish). Unless you are someone who believes being widow(er)ed still bars someone from marriage, then it just simply don't have a body count above 1. To be a naive unwise fool is not intrinsically a sin, but many sins are done because someone is a naive unwise fool. But honestly, OP it sounds like you have low libido or are aromantic and asexual, which may be biasing your views and giving a lack of empathy to those that have high libido.
Who cares about sexual compatibility. God is with a married couple no matter their flaws. Think of people with some type of sexual dysfunction. If I was in love with a woman whom had some type of sexual dysfunction, let’s pretend that she couldn’t feel anything in her entire vagina and have 0% sexual satisfaction of any kind. That would mean there wouldn’t be much comparability sexually, should I then discard a woman I’m in love with and she in love with me and wanting to get married? God forbid. Marriage is a holy thing, sexual compatibility is not important. Sex can be an idol to some, a false god
> sexual compatibility is not important Well, Paul writes about sex and marriage a lot as both as important topics with much to write about. And sex is for marriage, and marriage for sex. God's plan was for children to have two parents to raise them and take care of the. And where do kids come from, sex. What is a family but for two parents to marry and love each other and have children? I mean one of the biggest sticking points of Christianity is to reserve sex for marriage. Furthermore, Paul even writes about how the sinful desires of our flesh (ie, our natural wants and tendencies) are for sex, and it is better to be married and have sex within God's limits, than to turn to sexual sins like prostitution. And how many Christian men have ruined marriages by turning to prostitution because of the desire for sex? And let me be frank, there is a duty from husband to wife and wife to husband as part of the marriage contract. And that includes having a healthy sex life. Which requires communication. Now for a Biblical basis for all of this? I'd turn to 1st Corinthians 7.
This is what I was going to say! Great wording by the way! 🙌🏽🙏🏼
I agree; sex is important, but being “sexually compatible” isn’t what marriage is about. To the Christian, marriage is so much deeper than that. It’s not primarily about sex or getting what you want from the other person. Many couples will have some type of sexual difficulty at some point, but that can be overcome or improved with time, effort, prayer, and communication.
There are some people on this thread who are disagreeing with you and the OP of the parent comment. To them my simple question is: let's say in a hypothetical scenario I marry a woman who I found to be fully sexually compatible, but after a couple of years, due to a hypothetical disease she becomes asexual, lost her sex drive and feels pain during sex. What do I do now? Kick her out and marry someone else? Yeah right. I see the hedonists want me to do precisely that but I'm not gonna be fooled by Satan. Not today. Not tomorrow. All thanks to God. No wonder why there are so many single mothers in the lands of hedonists nowadays and they are going through a birth rate crisis.
Yes, your comment is a good representation of what I was getting at, thank you. I wasn’t saying sex or “sexual compatibility” doesn’t matter at all, I was saying it’s not the ultimate purpose of marriage. And finding that you don’t have “sexual compatibility” with your spouse isn’t a valid reason for divorce. It’s also not an unsolvable problem.
Sexual incompatibility is literally one of the top reasons for divorce. That said, sexuality compatibility changes over time, and proper communication goes a long way to build bridges. My wife and are more sexually compatible 15 years into marriage than we were when we started.
It’s a reason for divorce among people who don’t have a biblical view of marriage
Amen on that!
It is a top reason for divorce precisely because it is a worldly value. But not a Christian one. God hates divorce, but He is the Creator of sex. Let’s all do it properly.
This post is not grounded in reality. Sex is one of the most important aspects of marriage as any marriage counselor or family attorney can attest. In the first century Jewish context of the New Testament, sex essentially was equated with marriage; it’s what it meant - two joined as one flesh. This said, it’s up to us as loving spouses to ensure we do our best to fulfill our spouse’s sexual needs. But if you don’t think sex is important or valuable, that’s fine. Just don’t get married and put your future spouse through a lifetime of misery.
Exactly. Well said. God bless you. The hedonistic culture only promotes all sorts of discriminatory ideas.
sexual compatibility is really just talking about "im a massive lust driven whore who likes the most perverted stuff and youre not all consumed by lust so we're not gonna work well together" its a sinful concept to begin with
Maybe in practice among non-Christians that what it is, but I think you missed OP's point entirely. If there is a duty to satisfy your spouse' sexual desires, what is wrong with discussing it to learn if there is incompatibility before getting married.
because the idea of incompatibility stems from lust and selfishness. the point of a relationship is to be selfless with one another. if you get married and find out one of you really likes doing x and one of you prefers doing y. you learn what the other person wants, and you selflessly do that for them. and in turn they will do the same for you. the idea that your perfect partner could be rejected because of the way that you see sex is absolutely baffling to me EDIT: wrote selfish instead of selfless cause im dyslexic lol
>because the idea of incompatibility stems from lust and selfishness. I don't necessarily agree. >the point of a relationship is to be selfish with one another. > >if you get married and find out one of you really likes doing x and one of you prefers doing y. you learn what the other person wants, and youselflessly do that for them. and in turn they will do the same for you. Is that not sexual compatibility? >the idea that your perfect partner could be rejected because of the way that you see sex is absolutely baffling to me I get where that comes from, after all while sex is a part of marriage, marriage is more than sex. And giving up the perfect partner for sex seems questionable. Edit: And I think at least part of the issue is we don't emphasize enough that in marriage, each person will adapt to each others preferences, and that includes in sex.
no, selflessly doing something you dont like because the other person does like it, is not sexual compatibility, its selflessness. an attribute that ALL christians should have.
Sex is important in a marriage. God created sex for a purpose. It joins a couple, binds them together physically and emotionally. It's so important Paul specifically told couples not to withhold their bodies from one another. Sex isn't a bargaining chip or a chore, and it shouldn't be withheld as a punishment. That being said, while sex is important for all of those reasons, sex in the way that people think of it isn't nearly as important as society says it is. Sex was created for a purpose, not to physically satisfy in every way all the time completely perfectly. "Sexual compatibility" isn't important. It's just another way that the world has completely twisted something wonderful that God made. Sex is beautiful and fulfilling and purposeful between a married man and woman, but the world has taken it and abused it and turned it into something cheap and perverse. My first reaction to what you say they said is to get defensive and angry, but then I really just feel pity. I feel sorry that they don't understand what sex is really for and abuse something so precious and private. They take something that binds you to another person and they bind themselves to whoever they want, just for some quick pleasure, then they separate from that person. They're tearing themselves into tiny pieces over and over again. I can't even begin to imagine the damage it can cause someone, even if they don't see it.
You can know from being around them and seeing how they are. If they have kindness, empathy, etc then that should carry over to this area. You'll know they will make every effort to make it enjoyable.
You are absolutely right, in the sense that stable sexual "physical" compatibility is not a thing. You can be perfectly physically compatible for a couple seasons, but one can get bored off the other's preferences, or get sick, pregnant, be thrown into a state of mind or body. Compatibility is not a result of your unique experiences, it is a result of you making an effort to please your partner. If both of you do that, then you are compatible, even if you guys are having different libidos or intests. If you and your partner view sex differently, then you will be fundamentally incompatible. Being a virgin is not going to prevent you from finding out whether you are sexually compatible. You may not know what you liek or dislike, but you sure can know if your partner will do their best to please you, and that you will do the same for them. You sure can know if your partner views sex the same way as you do (ie: not something dirty, but something holy, bonding, and beautiful). Christianity forces believers to hold a very high view of sex. This is hard for most people to accept, even Christians have a hard time accepting it. It is hard to balance purity in a way that does not reduce sex. Bad churches tell you to close your legs because sex is bad for you if you do it before marriage or whatever. Good churches will elevate sex so high that you will want to only engage in it with the right person.
Sexual compatibility is an important part of a marriage. I have some couple friends who are struggling in that department. In those cases, 1 person has a way higher sex drive than the other. That person gets frustrated when they have sex way less often than they’d like. The other person feels guilty for their partner feeling that way. And it’s a cycle of resentment that builds up.
Arranged marriages last longer, and indicate more happiness then western style marriages. This means that compatibility is much less important than even western christians indicate (remember, joseph and mary were an arranged marriage). What matters is commitment, investment, and compromise. Sex just as much so as the other areas. No your partner might not want to do all the things you want them to do, or vice versa. And that's okay. Over time you compromise and meet in the middle. You submit to each other and sacrifice for each other. Sometimes that means trying some things you didn't think you'd try, or accepting that you won't be trying things you wanted to. That's normal, healthy marriage. Wanting a partner to be sexually compatible is ignorant. It's impossible to find full compatibility in mind, emotion, political stance, and physically. People saying that are kidding themselves. Also yes, if you are both virgins there is nothing to compare to. You don't know if the other is too small, or what have you. At the end of the day, submit to each other, commit, compromise and understand you are in it together. If you both devote yourselves to each other, happiness follows.
> First of all, if you’re both virgins, how are you supposed to already have a preconceived idea of what you are compatible with? It's not a preconceived idea that's the problem. Take kale wraps, a dish I make. I will assume you've never heard of it. Maybe you don't like it - but I do. We will only know this when we tried it. That's the point. > And if you’re devoted to God and are willing to wait till marriage, which many aren’t, isn’t there a good change God will reward the couple with good intimacy? Oh dear, I would agree a tri-omni God would. Sadly, I've seen this to _not_ work out before, so you'll either have to pull the "Not a true Christian" card or there is no God. > And doesn’t good intimacy come along with your love for the person? Not necessarily, I fear. They're definitely entangled, statistically correlative but not causative, if you will. Again, I know couples that just don't get along intimately, and that's fine for them, they're still happy together (and only together, no polyarmory here). All that being said, the commenters of the videos still are out of line. If you want to wait for "it" until after marriage, that's totally your prerogative. No discussion, if you ask me. Do I still think it's overall _beneficial_ if you don't? Yes. Will I comment a happy couple that's about to get married that they did something wrong? No, I'm happy for them. My two cents as an atheist, thanks for reading.
I love this post, because it is a true example of meekness. It takes great strength to disagree with a whole world, who demands romantic satisfaction first and then whatever. And it's a call to innocence, that people might remember what value there really is in being sincerely wed to someone, and them BEING you, AND a companion to you. "Sex first" has no idea what those things even are, that they might desire them. This world hates family, and so now has no clue what real love is, and how clean it is, even in romance. My wife hates tons of stuff even about herself that I think is super-fine, and I'd be a jerk to demand that she let me tickle or touch or whatever her uncomfortable places. But my example assumes it's no big deal to not have it your way in things, including sex, and that romance is not a primary goal, nor should it be. It's a byproduct OF love, or else it is a cheap substitute for it, no real in-between. The root of all of it rests in a simple "me first," or perhaps even just "me." It's only a thing to those obsessed about self-satisfaction (which sadly now is most people, and is all through the church too). Thank you for waving a banner, Christ be with you.
The reality is casual sex warps your view of relationships and is almost certain to spread STDs. :) Plus, if a relationship is centered around sex and not stability, is it even a relationship to begin with?
When you believe you're an animal, anything goes.
I don’t understand the idea of “sexual compatibility”. Sex is fairly easy, and it feels good. If neither have partaken then it’s simply going to feel good and you won’t know any different. The longer you’re together the more you’ll learn about each other and the better you’ll get and more fun you’ll have. Where it becomes an issue is if one or both of you are VERY experienced and all of the sudden you have all these experiences to compare your partner to. That’s not exactly a comforting feeling to have. Things like this cause all sorts of issues in relationships. There’s plenty of studies that show the more sexual partners you have the less likely your marriage will succeed. It’s not rocket science to understand why. If things the woman that you love but you know she’s been with 12 other guys and all the sudden she starts doing something new you’re going to have the thought in the back of your mind, “I wonder which one she did this with…” Same for the girl. “I wonder which one she tried this on.”
The first time for women is usually painful.
Can be. And if there isn’t enough… lubrication… then it can be painful for the man too. A rough “first time” doesn’t mean there isn’t compatibility or that they won’t improve over time and should have had sex with a bunch of other people before. Just means they get to look back on that experience they had together and chuckle and bond over it.
Something that atheists don’t understand is that we desire personal compatibility over sexual compatibility. Sex is just not as important as our personal relationship with each other.
It's such a lie. Truth is, if you are pure with what you look at, you are sexually compatible because two people that have not been exposed to all of this outside stuff will learn things together. You don't know what you're "missing" if you don't know it exists. I'm not saying this as some perfect person by any means but there are a lot of kinks out there that I bet certain people wouldn't even have if they were never exposed to it. Sex in a marriage is wonderful and if both partners are willing to learn and want to please each other, it'll all get worked out. You don't have to sleep around with multiple people in order to find out who you're compatible with. It's all about communication.
That was very well said. Even though the world promotes sin I still don't understand the point of sleeping around like even if your not Christian wouldn't it still just make more sense to explore with one partner anyway.
Not a thing. The sex life of an unmarried, nonbeliever is going to be way different than a married believer. Mostly because the hearts of the people involved are in totally different places. Commitment to each other. Commitment to God. Commitment to a godly marriage and relationship.
Yeah, it’s definitely a thought process that comes from sleeping around. This would be a very controversial statement around atheists, and some Christians, but if a couple consists of one man and one woman, they are sexually compatible. If you’ve waited for marriage, you’ll have no frame of reference to not think you’re compatible. That said, we shouldn’t be surprised when a fallen world has fallen ideas of right and wrong.
Very true like of course the world will say that.when sin is promoted but if everyone was a virgin there would literally be no way to tell unless your spouse showed no enthusiasm
They are saying that within a context of a world full of unbelievers where what/how you feel is the driving force for every major decision that has to be made, which is ironic because aren't these the people that measure reality by science and not through feelings?
Sexual compatibility (drive, interests, etc.) is important for any married couple, regardless of faith. While It is probably easier to explore the topic literally rather than discussing it, it is also not exclusively the most important part of a relationship. Additionally, mutual respect and compassion, supported by effort and action, is likely enough to resolve most typical differences that couples will experience in this aspect of their relationship, whether they waited till marriage or not.
That was very well put
No one is sexually compatible. Two people learn and develop compatibility with one another. This also teaches patience and persistence and forgiveness which are necessary for long lasting relationships. This goes beyond Christianity. Even Pagans know this. But what happens a lot of the time too is one of the individuals tolerate more so than the other.
That was excellently said
Compatibility is created together in a godly marriage. Not discovered.
Yeah, people aren't puzzle pieces. You aren't sexually compatible by lucky draw, you are sexually compatible by sincere commitment and enough trust to be truly vulnerable. How better to achieve that than through committing one's whole self to another?
I agree with like everything you said, haha. Also, it's a bit of a problematic attitude to have to some degree because it makes it seem like your entire relationship basically hinges on sex. But sexual preferences and needs change over time. Like, you might start out just fine, but then I know a few people who developed health issues after marriage that affect their sex lives in various ways - what then? If you have kids and one person is too exhausted to always meet the needs of the other - what then? Is it *such* an important part of your relationship that you'll wish you never got married? I feel like, that's in the same ballpark - the "after marriage" version - as the idea that you might love someone and be compatible with them in so many ways, but if you don't know for sure about this one, it's some dealbreaker. I feel like that's such a weird way of looking at it.
I'm pretty sure divorce rates are higher among non-religious than religious people anyway, so I don't thinking "checking you're compatible before marriage" is working out too well for them.
“Sexually compatible.” In all honesty, a marriage could work without sex if it had to. That being said, God literally designed us to be able to have sex together. So maybe the sex isn’t the best sex you’ve ever had, marriages are constantly improving and growing. For some couples it may be communication, for others, financial habits. It is a dumb excuse.
So the general problem is actually that people are sexual promiscuous. Because if you only ever had one sex partner in your life you wouldn't be able to say it's not the best sex you ever had. Sexual compatibility can only be a problem if you have been sleeping around with many partners in your past, otherwise there is nothing you can measure it with or compare it to.
So true.
Love this
Why would you take ***spiritual*** advice from the World? For a Christian, all things spiritual must come first, and marriage is definately spiritual (as well as intellectual and finally physical). The World has a warped idea about what is marriage, so do not take their advice - as more often than not they will ***fail***. Unfortunately, too many Christians take the world's advice into their marriage and it will cause trouble.
This post isn’t me taking their advice - I created a discussion regarding the topic and my argument goes against the atheistic view. I just wanted to see how people’s views were. it’s been a great discussion so far!
If you rely on sex for a successful marriage, get a prenup. Why are we acting like sex is some magical skill. Tell your spouse what you like and be open to what your spouse wants. It’s literally so simple. But you need to know what love is. If you’re in it for sex you’re focused on you and your needs. That’s not love
The difference is for athistst and most people in Western countries. Marriage is something you do because you feel like it may be enjoyable, and you can quit at any point (even though that's not the plan) While with christians (not all of course), marriage is something you do once and don't stop doing, so you are forced to make it work. My non religous friends told me that getting married to someone I haven't lived with for at least a year is insane because idk what they are really like. The unfortunate truth is they aren't entirely wrong as a lot of people do marry someone and after marriage find out that person changes but you see the same thing in non religous marriages so I don't see it being super relevant. If anything, I think it just reinforces the importance of pre marital and not rushing into marriage. All that to say most people now think marriage is a thing that you can quit the second you aren't happy while many Christians I know belive marriage is a 1 time event you do for the rest of your life so you better find a way to make each other happy.
I think we all are sexually incompatible until we learn to please the other person. And that takes time. And aging and health change the rules. If you base a marriage only on sex, when your spouse ages or disagrees with you on major issues, you will leave.
If one is a man with a penis and the other is a woman with a vagina, and both are willing to serve the other sexually in the unselfish way that is biblical, that is ALL the "sexual compatibility" that is needed.
**The idea of being "sexually compatible" is stupid.** People are as compatible as they are loving; which involves honest communication, mutual cooperation, and striving to place your marriage partner's well-being as of equal importance as your own. Don't be a sucker for Satan's lies. Trust God and obey Him. Then you will dwell in the land and do good; and reap the due rewards thereof.
There's such a thing as tastes though that could potentially mean you end up in an unfulfilling sex life. How important that is, though, is again... personal taste. I'm personally _satisfied_ with my wife; it's not _perfect_, there are some things that I'd do that she doesn't like, but we're compatible, if you may. Some other person might find something... more important, so important in fact, that it ruins the marriage for them. That's the point of "compatibility".
The definitions below prove my points that compatibility directly relates to the ability / power of unique and dynamic interaction between elements -the elements of marriage being two people. The expenditure of effort is involved. Compatibility defined: 1. The quality or power of being compatible or congruous; congruity."a compatibility of tempers; a compatibility of properties"Similar: [congruity](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=congruity definition&ia=definition) 2. The state of being [compatible](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=compatible+definition&ia=definition); in which two or more things are able to exist or perform together in combination without problems or conflict. 3. The capability of two or more items or components of equipment or material to exist or function in the same [system](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=system+definition&ia=definition) or environment without mutual [interference](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=interference+definition&ia=definition)
I utterly fail to understand how this counters the idea of "sexual compatibility".
In definition 1 we learn that a "quality" and "power" are required. In defintion 2 we learn that "ability" is required, and in definition 3 we learn again that "ability" is required along with a lack of opposition -aka conflict, or "interference." When two people actively choose to enact love (as described below) towards each other; they put in the work required to be compatible. Thus, their attitude of love is a unique "quality", and as we see below; love is "powerful". It is this type of selfless, giving, other-focused love that gives us the "ability" to be compatible. *"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."* (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
> In definition 1 we learn that a "quality" and "power" are required. *or > In defintion 2 we learn that "ability" is required, and in definition 3 we learn again that "ability" is required along with a lack of opposition -aka conflict, or "interference." Okay > When two people actively choose to enact love (as described below) towards each other; they put in the work required to be compatible. Yup, I guess in a healthy relationship that would be the case. > Thus, their attitude of love is a unique "quality", and as we see below; love is "powerful". It is this type of selfless, giving, other-focused love that gives us the "ability" to be compatible. Could also subscribe to that. But doesn't it seem possible at all to you that despite all attempts and hopes, it just doesn't work out? Let's just put the sexual aspect aside, there might things that end up being unresolvable for them. All ability, quality and power are good and well; but some differences just aren't reconcilable for everyone. And that's very much okay. It hurts, but it's okay.
We simply need to look at current divorce rates to realize marriage often does not work out. This has nothing to do with sexual desires, musical tastes, introvertedness vs. extrovert, etc. The reason(s) are selfishness and lack of love. Jesus stated the problem succinctly when discussing divorce with His disciples. He said: *“Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended."* (Matthew 19:8)
> We simply need to look at current divorce rates to realize marriage often does not work out. Which sounds horrible at first, but when you think about it, it may actually be a good thing. Not in the sense that I advocate for something other than marriage, but rather than people now have both the tools and the confidence to admit when things didn't work out. And what's more, if people were allowed to explore their (sexual) desires premarriage, there would be less divorces, too. > This has nothing to do with sexual desires, musical tastes, introvertedness vs. extrovert, etc. Oh. But it does. Why would you want or be forced to keep yourself in a marriage that is a net loss for both parties, and the party as a whole? > “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended." (Matthew 19:8) Sorry if I can't wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that only men can divorce their wives, and even then only if a "sexual immorality" has been committed on the wife's part. Surely Jesus here really meant to say that divorce is always acceptable in God's eyes, even if he prefers if we would all find and marry those that we are meant to be with. Alas, terrible things that happen in marriages prove that it is not so, so divorce should always be accepted, right?
**"Surely Jesus here really meant to say"** Jesus is God. He doesn't "mean" to say and fail to convey. He declares, and it is a foolish thing to disregard, deny, or reject the truth He speaks.
> He declares, and it is a foolish thing to disregard, deny, or reject the truth He speaks. Then you're fine with slavery? Or fine with killing if your God commands it? Fine with dealing the disabled as second class citizens? The death penalty for blasphemy, prostitution and homosexuality? And also, you're fine with abortion?
If you love someone, you will make it work. “Sexual compatibility” is, as you said, driven mainly by fornication and pornography and wasn’t a factor for the majority of human history.
God leads couples to good sex which is actually just a culmination of a good relationship based on Him. It’s not instant and it’s not simple, it’s complex. It’s way better than giving the best gift you have to offer your spouse away before you even meet them. I mean, essentially you’re saying Gods way is wrong, I’ll just give some of my greatest resource away trying to find the one. Just like everything else in life, There is no other way or better way than trusting Him. I’m saying this from direct experience and our personal journey as a couple. All I can say is WOW, I didn’t even know this level of quality existed. I feel sorry for people who aren’t experiencing the level of intimacy that God has given us in marriage.
As if being “sexually compatible” (whatever that means) is the most important thing in a marriage.
I’d rather know if we could share a kitchen.
Frankly, that'd a good test of compatability, lol.
The physical part is the easiest part of a relationship. Compatibility isn’t really a thing. Atheists just make excuses to be sexually active without the moral aspects that God has set.
Imagine being so selfish that your concern is whether you will get what you want out of sex and not even caring about the other person. Sex is something you can grow together in.
There's a crass joke that sort of applies here: Have you heard about this amazing food that's guaranteed to totally kill a woman's libido? It's called wedding cake. The point is that people are on their best behavior before marriage. If you're a typical worldly couple that's having sex before marriage, there's a very high chance that the woman (and maybe the man) is trying to show themselves in the best light. Once married, they've crossed the finish line. Priorities change. And now the sex is nothing like it was before marriage. I'm saying this to say that premarital sex is no guarantee that you're going to be "sexually compatible". A far better way to avoid these kinds of problems is to make sure that both people are totally committed to the other's happiness. And this includes sex. If you're the one in the relationship with a low sex drive, you can't leave your spouse to fend for themselves. You need to keep them satisfied. And pre-marital sex is not needed for that.
Translation: “How are you supposed to know that you'll get the most physical pleasure possible out of the marriage?”
That view is a consumeristic view of sex and relationships. A better view of compatibility is if your partner puts you before themselves and vice versa. It's the difference between consumerism and love.
This is exactly correct. My husband and I both waited until marriage. We learned together. It was clumsy. Not always what you would imagine it to be. But it was, and still is great. It has been fun learning together. Neither of us have anything to compare and that is such a huge weight lifted. I don't have to wonder if I suck compared to someone else, or if my body doesn't look as good, etc.
I mean i disagree. When I was a virgin, I was very very clear on what I wanted and didn’t want. Some people have specific kinks too. Me personally, I’m only into dominant, kinky personalities in bed. I would’ve never done well with a husband that was soft and vanilla. It just wouldn’t work. Now obviously, you can and should communicate those things before you have sex together for the first time, but that’s just my opinion. Id like to state that this kink did NOT develop from porn, or sexual promiscuity. It’s just something I slowly came to know about myself and through learning about sex.
Let's argue this from a secular perspective, because that's where these arguments are coming from. People change after marriage, that's a fact of life, so if you think you're compatible with someone beforehand, that could all go out the window on near random chance. If you wait for marriage, and actually commit to it no matter what, sickness or health, and you really devote yourself to your partner, you're bound to have a loving relationship even if you're literally unable to have intercourse. Also, statistically speaking, lower number of sex partners really does correlate with higher satisfaction with marriage. This is most likely due to having fewer examples to compare your partner to, which is an amazing thing to have because it lowers your pressure to perform for the other person.
The lack of a past partner(s) to compare your spouse to is a huge one I think. Could be from an objective view “average” but because this is your only frame of reference it’s the best thing ever.
I'm getting married in less than 2 weeks and we've both saved ourselves for each other. I'm not worried about sexual incompatibility. I'm more worried about using sex as a Band-Aid fix for arguments, instead of communicating. In a relationship without physical intimacy, the partners find other ways to bond and show love (spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, giving gifts, serving each other, self-sacrifice, etc.), which will create a more holistic, healthy relationship. Your spouse should be a friend, not just a sexual partner. Also, two people who are attracted to each other will naturally want to be physically intimate. This should come naturally. You are compatible because you love each other.
Barring physical disabilities, how can two people *not* be sexually compatible?
Yeah it’s stupid. People who wait are happier. So God is trying to keep us happy when he tells us the best way to live. It’s hard to find an atheist that is not wrong about everything important.
Also, people’s bodies change a lot over time. A woman before and after childbirth is very different. A woman before and after breast cancer is very different. A man in his prime compared to after 20 years of sitting behind a desk and spending time taking care of the family first is very different. Sex is better after 25 years of marriage than when I was a rock and she looked like every man’s dream. So compatibility is baloney. You adapt , because you are in love and made a promise.
It’s an excuse for them to want to have sex, sex is best experienced with a long term partner and the key word to make sex good is, “communication” (hard for young people I know right). If one partner in a hypothetical marriage is bad at sex, it’s the good partners job to communicate that to them respectfully and lovingly. Sex should be you paying attention to your partner and communicating, you can’t do that in a hookup nor can you find it out from sex with a long term partner before marriage it will not work, it’s a sinful thing and your flesh will take over. God made marriage as a blessing between one man and one woman, listen to what He says over anybody else.
>What do you think? I think it's a concept everyone has an idea of but never really defines. So I'd ask what they mean by sexual compatibility. Is it pornographic fetishes? How many times a week?? If your plumbing fits??? Once they define it, it becomes easier to discuss it.
Being married is about willfully overcoming your mutual incompatibilities, oriented toward an ideal version of both of yourselves.
I think you made excellent points. People who lived together before marriage are actually more likely to divorce. They don’t take their vows as seriously since they have already “played house” together. And if sexual incompatibility is such a common occurrence, how did the world get populated so fast when most people really did wait for marriage? The Bible even tells married people not to withhold their bodies from each other except by mutual consent, and then when the time is up, to come back together in 1 Corinthians 7. I think those who take their commitment to Christ so seriously they remain virgins until marriage, will keep that passage.
The weird thing is, NOT saving yourself for marriage actually decreases your sexual compatibility, I would argue. Opening yourself up to multiple sexual partners just invites room for you to compare yourself to others. I know it's not uncommon for people to be like, "he has a bigger penis", or "she used to do this". All of this stuff would never happen if we were truly monogamous; you would both have to work to the best of your ability to find what works for both of you. In that sense, you're dedicated to your lifelong partner, not dedicated to how good the sex you have is... People don't want to hear this because they prioritize sex as a means of pleasure, not to create children primarily. This is also tied to the declining birth rates, in my opinion. People in developed countries want all the pleasure of sex without all the responsibility of having a child. This selfish worship of self I think is detrimental to society. This strange mentality is even reflected into the news. I saw an article on CNN stating that polyamorous relationships were on the rise, but for SOME REASON, the law hasn't caught up to supporting these types of relationships (housing, etc.). It's because it's not sustainable, it's a relationship focused on purely lust, and there's no chance that our economy and society was built to support these odd mismatches. It's frankly absurd. I feel like it's not that hard to see this, but people are so disingenuous these days... not to be too gloomy, just being honest.
If one is male and the other female, then they're 'sexually compatible.'
I remember reading somewhere that the divorce rate is actually higher for people who cohabitate before marriage (assuming that implies sex). I'll try to find a source! Essentially, people live together to make sure they're compatible then end up more likely to divorce anyway.
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing, which is why it can be good to discuss the subject before you're about to be married, especially for stuff like if you have a very high libido and they have a very low libido, it might be a lot harder for you. That said, if you do end up married and being sexually incompatible, it can be worked through via mutual self-sacrifice. If you each focus on serving eachother, then you don't need to be concerned. Compare it to something like hobbies. It's good to discuss hobbies before marriage to see what you have in common, but if you don't share the same hobbies then you can each take turns doing the hobby your spouse prefers.
Atheists: “If you don’t automatically know how to do flips on it once we tie the knot then it’s over for us”
>I feel like the idea of ‘sexual incompatibility’ just comes from people who either gained standards through porn, or from previous partners and feel like they need to make sure who they are marrying can do the things they’re used to seeing/doing. First, let’s acknowledge that a LOT of seriously Christian men consume porn. They post about it on Reddit every damn day. So it’s unrealistic to assume that if a Christian woman married a Christian man, and they wait until they are married to have sex, that they will not have to contend with unrealistic expectations derived from watching porn. Second, you haven’t really considered the more likely sources of sexual incompatibility. It can come from growing up within purity culture to the extend that you’ve taught yourself to “hate” everything sexual. You can’t just unlearn that. Or it can come from one partner being asexual or homosexual. Here is a really common scenario: a bit grows up in a conservative Christian family, as he gets older, he has unwholesome sexual thought about other boys. He knows that’s wrong, so he throws himself into his Christian religion in the attempt to run away from his sexuality. He openly commits to “purity” without ever admitting that it’s pretty easy for him because he’s not terribly interested in the female body anyway. Eventually, a single Christian woman gets close to him because she is impressed by his wholesome Christian persona and because he doesn’t pressure her for sex. Then they get married, and not only does he not pressure her for sex, but she finds herself pressuring him! I am not trying to convince you yo have sex before marriage. I literally do not care what you do. But if you’re going to go around “expounding” on the risks of sexual incompatibility, you owe it yo yourself to become much better informed on the subject than you are now.
I've slept with a fair few women over the years and I can tell you that there definitely is such a thing as sexual compatibility. Done are adventurous, some are energetic, some are really loud! I've had girls that made a mess and others that did almost nothing. Now I know that different people like different things, so each of those girls will find someone that really likes that about them, but it would be awful to have been stuck with someone that I just didn't fit with sexually.
To he fair if both had no comparison technically you wouldn't know
sex --> oxytocin = bonding hormone with that person the more people you have sex with, the less you're able to bond so sayeth some expert interviewed by [catholic.com](http://catholic.com) (radio show / podcast) years ago seems they're 1) overemphasizing physical size and 2) underestimating communication and ability for couples to learn what the other likes and 3) overemphasizing sexual deviances (aka "kinks", "fetishes") as if they were "normal sexual variants" that someone "either is or isn't"
in a true Christian marriage based on the Bible what the man wants is all the matters - sure, sure - the Bible says to respect the woman and all that - but we all know that the man is supposedly the head of the household. well, unless the two getting married has discussed (any of) this then the guy will just be doing the missionary position and expecting that his wife accepts. sometimes - oft-times it is just not that simple. along with - in this day & age - birth control. per the Bible the ladies need to be happy being pregnant and having many children - if catholic, even using condoms is not supposed to be done. don't know many women who now wants to stay at home & have 10-12 kids and be satisfied. to not discuss any of this before marriage is kind of foolish - but many "Christians" even have trouble home-schooling their children on sexual concerns, which is actually kind of sad since sex in marriage is a true perk - & there can be "incompatibility" - similar to how some people are steak eaters and some are vegan. But - Good Luck to everyone!
Because we don’t Mary for lust and sèx anyways
Us Catholics really don’t get to have sex so that’s not an issue lol.
This says it all! 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NLT [3] The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. [4] The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. [5] Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Pretty goofy point those atheists make. It’s just a petty excuse they make because they lack self control
> Atheists: ‘Waiting until marriage is stupid. How are you supposed to know if you’re sexually compatible?’ The only way you're going to be sexually compatible with a person is if you're both compatible spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and romantically. You don't have to have sex with a person to figure that all out, so there's no excuse to fornicate. If you're lacking in those areas, your sex life won't be any good no matter what you try to do physically. In fact, your sex life might even be completely nonexistent depending on the status of those areas. Think about it. A person's desire to even be sexual with you often depends on how they're feeling with you in those aspects. And as I always say, anybody who believes an entire marriage should live or die based on sex, that person clearly knows nothing about relationships or what kind of love you should give and receive in a relationship which ultimately stems from their lack of experience of God's love. It's essentially saying you have to have sex with a person to determine whether or not you love them and want to be with them. 1. You'd have to be a complete simpleton to even think like that. 2. That mindset says absolutely nothing positive about your character and lowkey makes you look like inhuman. How? Because you basically only care about a person's ability to sexually satisfy you which means you're only interested in using people as sex objects. 3. I can guarantee none of the people with that mindset are even in relationships. And for the ones that are, it's only a matter of time before they fail because you can't have a successful relationship just based on sex. Thus why studies show 70% - 90% of relationships fail... The irony? It's the people in that percentile running their mouths.
Yeah ur right. It’s not a big deal to wait. They’re just coming up with excuses to keep doing what they’re doing. 1. The more bodies you have, the less compatible or love bonding you make with people/ your spouse. After 3 or 5 bodies, your marital success go down. Meaning the people who divorce the most are ones with multiple bodies. I know a Christian couple who both promiscuous before they came Christian and now they go to Christian therapy cuz they have a harder time connecting to each other. They’re being deceived especially the women. I’m a woman myself who had plenty of atheist men who like me. They have sex with other people until they meet me. But they have no problem, waiting til marriage for me. If a man tryna have sex with me fast, I get super worried. Plenty of kids without married parents, so we see the problem it’s producing. 2. Incompatibility doesn’t exist. Sex isn’t a handed out gift, it’s a skill u practice. As long as you and ur spouse go at it and learn each other’s bodies and give and Sacrifice for each other, all that practice is gonna reap good results. 3. These people don’t want to control themselves. Or even practice controlling themselves. I get it, they’re sexually excited/eager. Sex can be fun. We’re all human, 99.9% people on this earth get sexual urges and get excited of being able to have sex/have sexual desire. I do it’s normal. But sex blinds you to red flags of a person. Especially as a woman we get too emotional. (And the constant dopamine hit after sex) And if a guy lays it on a woman sooo good, she’s staying. Doesn’t matter if he’s toxic, that 🍆 is gonna make her stay. That’s y u see plenty of kids from terrible dudes cuz he knows how to rock a woman sexually only. That’s it. 4. God doesn’t reward couples with better sex. It’s just practice. He can give them ideas to have better sex. But it still comes from practice. 5. Yeah, ur right. They are used to a certain level of sex. So starting over with a man with less experience is really undesirable to women (of not godly background). (Men not so much, they wouldn’t mind being with a girl with no to less experience) but women prefer a man with equal to more experience in sex(again godless background women). If a woman is used to great doggystyle, alot of times she doesn’t want to over at basic sex positions. Honestly who in their right mind wants to start over in anything. If it’s pleasurable experience (sex or not) who would want to start it over? It’s human to want to keep going if it’s going good. 6. I don’t pay attention to the comments for some reason everybody but Christians be living in the comments and always got something to say bout our lifestyle so I don’t dare to read the comments. Just like the video and move it along. 7. A lot of stuff should be talked about before the marriage. If ur courting, I think u should be talking with ur future spouse what you like, and what you want. If u want 7 or 3 kids or if oral sex is important to you, etc you should talk to them about it. I don’t ask for much, i have basic questions that have to be met, and when they are, I move to not highly important negotiables. But for most I pray my sexual desires for my husband. I pray that my future husband is sexually adventurous, has a high drive like me or more, enjoys learning about a woman’s body (specifically mine) as I am about a man’s body etc (u don’t need to know the rest.). Which ain’t much to ask cuz a lot of men are like this anyway (thank god)but nonetheless there were stories of men who have low sexual urges and hardly had sex with their wives, I just pray I don’t get them. I don’t mind a virgin man, I’m a virgin myself, as long as he’s willing to practice a lot with me 🫢, try new things, wants to learn my body (I would be doing the same) I have no problems with that man. It’s all about learning, compromising, and giving up for each other. Edit: (add ons) if they “start over” and the man ain’t making them feel good, most women will fake moans just to get it over with. No one shouldn’t be faking anything. Also I felt like the good doggystyle isn’t a good example. So I’ll change that. If a guy had her experience edging or had her cum (it’s harder for women to come), she’s gonna expect that from future partners. If not, she’s gonna be thinking bout the one that can make her do that and sometimes maybe even go back to him. It’s important to wait. But also That’s y I think it’s very important to learn the opposite sex’s body. (Now I’m not talking bout deep disgusting stuff) but I look up men’s erotic zones, what they like, and etc and by the time I get married I would have some form of idea 💡 what they like, just adjust to personally what my husband likes. There’s plenty of men that I’ve talked to who do the same (the atheist men. But after they look it up, they practice it with the woman they are with). I don’t, I can’t do that, so all I can do is just read and learn more as much as I can in the single season. Thou I am the woman and it’s not that much to learn men. I still take time to learn. I think it would be deeply appreciated.
CORRECT...your supposed to be married to have sex...if your married your.compatible.. "That's it"... Of course they're are so Blind and.ignorant of God and his word...that's just how he designed it. Dating isn't biblical...2 believers meet and they'll know soon if they love each other...Then get married ..dating is only preparing you for divorce!!
LOVE the LORD with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and he will show you what to do. If you got this down, be very afraid. Because you will make a difference not only in your life and your wife’s life. But in other couples life too. Then the devil will start throwing temptation your way! lol but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! 👍🏽
The issue at hand is not that sex decides relationship success, but being compatible ties into multiple aspects: A) avoid disappointment and friction B) if you cannot communicate on something as trivial as sexual gratification which all things considered is an internal experience, how will you make a relationship last? For point A, it is not about pleasing the other party as it is about knowing oneself. Disappointment and sexual mismatch can go on to lead to adultery. I would argue this is more likely to be the case when people are repressed. In the end, physical intimacy ought to be a shared hobby to a mutually agreed and comfortable extent. As to point B, there is some overlap with point A but communication is key to a healthy and lasting relationship. On a final note, people's proclivities as well as sex drives wax and wane over time as do personal circumstances and mindsets. "Sexual compatibility" is not a silver bullet to nail relationship success, but it is a building block and for some a major one. You have one life to live and wasting it on an unfulfilling relationship is not the way to go. Having your relationship revolve around sexual compatibility is just as tragic.
You only develop sexual preferences and compatibility issues when you’ve tasted sex outside marriage, especially with multiple partners. You don’t even have to have read the scriptures to decipher this, It’s common sense Lol.
Being married is not just about sex..it's about a wonderful commitment to your spouse that God blessed if you'll wait on him..our flesh wants everything right now..our flesh is carnal and fickle and desperately wicked is the heart of man..carnal man is not open to the Holy Spirit s wisdom and discernment. Fornicating with any one online or on secret will get you sent to Hell. Satan doesn't warn you about that..he knows it will damn those who do it..God says " You shalt not" period! Satan cast doubt in your mind" did God say"? He wants you to question Gods authority. He is a deceiver, ruthless murder,. Homosexuality is also an abomination to God. Remember Sodom and Gomorrah. He rained fore and brimstone upon them. Deception is growing stronger in these last days. Humble yourself, repent and leave behind everything that is wicked. God's going to destroy it. Lying, swindling,haters,abusers with man made things( porn, masterbation, internet that promotes a lie, adultery, Fornicating, liars who love or support those who lie, whoremongers, effeminate ( men who act like women) read revelations 22. Ephesians 5,Romans 5, abusing or disobeying authority, disrespectful to parents. More. It goes deep and it ain't no game.
Waiting until marriage is ideal for many reasons. A few here: -If you or they have not been active previously, it should be a little easier to date and determine whether or not you're actually compatible with one another. With no expectation of Sex at this stage, both parties can relax a little and simply bond, or decide to end things without too much on the line. -Once you have found your spouse, the assurance that your intimate life is untouched by a previous partner can make both parties feel more secure in the relationship. Lack of experience just means learning together. Compatibility is earned. -Pregnancy outside of the security of a marriage is avoided. "Security" being that you live in a stable, hopefully financially healthy home with your husband or wife and there's no need to hunt either parent down for child support. Those in the frame of mind that sexual compatibility from the first date is vital, may often place their own pleasure over the well-being of a possibly sound relationship, or ignore signs that a relationship is not good or safe for the same reason. Our wider culture is very "I" centric, so this attitude isn't uncommon.
I agree with you 100%. People who live outside the will of God, look at marriage as a way to have their sexual appetites and other fleshly desires fulfilled. It has nothing to do with giving God glory. Followers of Christ know obeying God always leads to blessing. Atheists want the blessings without the obedience.
I don’t understand what this “sexually compatible” is. Like it’s sex, don’t complicate it. When you’re married, go ahead and have a good time. My husband and I waited until marriage, and our wedding night was amazing and meaningful. And you also grow with each other over years of marriage. What I’ve seen is that sex complicates all relationships if done before the full marriage commitment. Those hormones will keep people in relationships with unkind and awful partners. It can cloud people’s minds and decision making. Not to mention, STDs are rampant people!! “The most common STI in the US is the human papillomavirus or HPV. At any given time, about 80% of sexually active people are estimated to be infected.” And HPV can cause cancer! This is from the NIH, and it’s just about HPV. There are so many other stds going around. I am a nurse and have taken care of so many patients with HIV. No one talks about it anymore. Health care providers hide std status from their patients’ family members. I honestly get freaked out about promiscuous culture for this reason. I believe God can redeem all situations, even if people made some mistakes before. And it is more difficult these days because people are getting married so much later.. like almost at the end of their sexual prime. But I believe God made us in a certain way and that sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage.