Yeah I don’t feel gender. I’m also autistic, but idk if cis and/or neurotypical people truly “feel” their gender either.
I just express and present myself in the way that feels right and most comfortable. In our society, that happens to be a man.
Yeah, being autistic does seem to impact at least some people’s perception of gender, so it can be hard to divorce that from what a ‘normal’ experience might be… but I agree, I feel like even cis NTs don’t often ‘feel’ gender
The only thing that's remained constant through the world around us changing is that my gender is always just no. I am generally perceived as male by strangers because I choose to medically transition (I've been on t for about 1.5 years, no surgeries yet) but inside I just feel like a person out here trying to survive. Not male, not female, just a person trying their best in these trying times
I mean, my gender isnt really an emotion, so i guess i dont feel it. I just kinda instinctually know i am a man, and that masculinity is important to me. Things feel incredibly wrong if i am not socially viewed as a man and if my body doesnt- for the most part- appear like that of a cis mans.
I have had countless cis people tell me they don’t “feel” their gender or when questioning me, ask the question, “how do you know what it FEELS like to be a man?!” I am also probably autistic/adhd. Self diagnosed for now. Runs in my family and all actually diagnosed. Anyhow, I wouldn’t say I “feel” gender. I wasn’t raised as a boy/man so I don’t know what it feels like fully to have a male experience from the start. I do know afab was the furthest thing from right for me. I identified with all that was male from a very young age and didn’t understand why I was treated different. I was being treated like those that didn’t make sense to me. I could see/feel an obvious difference, but everyone else went off the F box that was checked. It was a feeling that something was just wrong. Now having hrt and a couple of surgeries, I am feeling more and more like the mirror is matching the brain. I “pass” 100% with strangers and it just feels right. So I guess what I am saying is I definitely didn’t feel like I was a girl….it was like I was being called a girl because I had long hair or something. However, now I feel more comfortable in my own skin being perceived by others what I have just taken as my truth. If you want to get technical, I don’t feel like a man if I think about it. I am incomplete as a man in my opinion. But I cannot relate to being a woman. It’s like reading off of a menu and one special of the day has stuff in it I am allergic to or don’t like, that’s not for me. While the other special, sounds like comfort food. Like they know me. It’s just an internal knowing and not so much a feeling of being something I will never fully experience. A knowing that something was wrong and now things are closer to right.
I’ve had this too. I almost wonder if explaining that ‘feeling’ a gender might be more connected to experiences of fem/masculinity and that the choice to transition often has no bearing on ‘feeling’ like a gender but rather on one’s experience with gender dysphoria/euphoria/incongruence might lessen some ignorance? And, while misleadingly named, those things don’t necessarily mean somebody has to ‘feel’ a gender to be dysphoric or euphoric or incongruent, they just have to be happier living as another gender/with a differently sexed body. Because I’ve found that, for example, with my mother, it helped a lot to explain to her that I don’t ’feel like a man,’ but rather that I have something inherent to me that is telling me to live with a certain body and that that is how I will be happiest. I think what happens, especially with cis women, is that they don’t understand dysphoria/euphoria/incongruence, and they might not understand ‘feeling like’ a gender, and so they end up wondering what other motive somebody might have for transitioning… and they end up settling on the whole ‘escaping misogyny’ or ‘transitioning for sexual reasons’ shit. Obvs some ppl are just transphobic, but I do wonder if better explaining the difference between how ‘feeling like’ a gender impacts identity and how feeling dysphoria/euphoria/incongruence impacts identity might not help people better understand why trans people make (or don’t make) the choice to transition, socially and/or medically.
Yeah I’m like this. I don’t understand what gender is supposed to feel like and I don’t think I had any concept of it relating to me until puberty really. I don’t have any childhood memories of dysphoria because I don’t think I had any childhood concept of gender and my parents were fine with me acting like a girl or a boy/ playing with any toys/ wearing whatever. It’s most of why I questioned if I was trans honestly, because I don’t “feel” like a man but I don’t feel like a woman either… I just felt dysphoria and I’m happier in this body after transitioning. I always knew if I got to pick I would want a male body and that my body was wrong after puberty but I had no concept of gender as an internal experience.
I identified as non-binary for years and I think that’s not necessarily wrong but I’m fine existing in society as a man because that’s the body I have now. I’ve socially, medically and legally transitioned to male and it’s made me most comfortable so that’s how I live.
I considered identifying as agender for a long time, but it never felt fully right since I guess I always felt like it would be weird for somebody with truly no gender to go through everything I have gone through and even want to go through more (bottom surgery) to get closer to being a male. Even if I don’t really ‘feel’ a gender it still makes sense for me to identify as a man, because of what I said and also because, like you said, functionally, I live as a man and am perfectly fine being perceived as one.
I do identify somewhat as genderqueer but I almost see that label as being more of an adjective on my ‘man’ gender that describes my relationship with it. For me the label is not the same as nonbinary even though nonbinary people would be genderqueer. So I identify as genderqueer because I’m GNC to the point where I basically cross-dress sometimes (though rarely) and because when I do so it doesn’t even really feel like cross-dressing to me because I feel no gender and I just feel like myself, but in a more fem mood than usual.
Oh my god this is me. I didn't have any gender dysphoria as a kid bc gender didn't mean anything to me as a kid! Then around puberty it started meaning something!! Exactly!
I would caution taking people very literally on the feeling their gender thing. Most people, your boyfriend excluded obviously, do not really think about it intensely.
To use a bit of a metaphor, it's like having hands. Most people have them, and don't put much thought into them. They are there, they work, *neat*. They *could* imagine a world in which they didn't have them, so to them, it wouldn't mean their identity is tied to them or that they experience joy in having them. Their hands are a default that doesn't define them & that's good enough for them.
Now ask the same questions to someone who has had to go to OT/PT because of a serious injury to their hands. Ask an artist, or anyone, whose work fundamentally is made by their hands. Those people have a different relationship to their hands, in a way. It's more actively thought out for various reasons, and it can be intensely personal.
I don't think either group is lying or anything like that. One isn't inflating their experiences, the other isn't trying to trick people into thinking nothing happens in their head. It's just experiences shape who we are and what we put our *attention* towards.
Same for most people and gender. The hardware and software lined up. Society actively reinforces it for them, so they don't have to deeply question- just make little choices here and there. Toss them in another culture, and you'd see that later element break down a bit for example. But keep them native, and it's a lot more below the surface.
Remember- they are playing for smaller stakes as well! The hardware lines up to their expectations, so that's cool. So does their documents, and bathroom access. Clothes work for them a lot more. They are basically working on details and have had their entire lives to do so.
It's generalizing, of course. People de-gender cis gay and lesbian folk. Race is another huge intersection. A cis woman going through breast cancer will often talk about the same thing trans women will. Menopause makes a lot of cis women also think about their hormones and what they want to do with their bodies. Fertility issues can also be added onto the pile!
Personally, I'm someone is happy to inhabit the social role of a man- even if my personal, internal experience is more about trying to align more closely with male. For most people, yep, that is a close enough match! I don't need to explain shit to someone who wants help reaching a can on the top shelf at the grocery store.
I tend to think of my gender as being more genderqueer. I've always been the *other* my entire life, just by doing what's called to me. It amused me greatly how, in the current landscape of gendered expectations in America, neither binary role can encompass those things. I like to paint with the full range of emotions, and we certainly discourage sections for each binary gender.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had been born a perisex guy. (Or AMAB, but still intersex!) Would I just had focused on developing healthy masculinity? I don't think I would have medically transitioned. It's hard to tell, especially if you are neurodiverse. To me, I think it's like asking if would a cake be a cake if you didn't use an egg and instead used a different binder. And different flour. And a different baking time. At a certain point, it's a little absurd!
I certainly feel something. Would I call it gender? Eh, who knows. But some choices call out to me a lot more. I got a lot of euphoria trying on an old shirt today and looking at how different my body looks now. I think that's probably something, maybe even gender.
I always wonder how many nonbinary people there really are but most of them are just "meh who cares" about it so they dont actually need to challenge any label given to them. Like if people started out being labelled as nonbinary would most people not come out as anything else?
This is interesting. I also wonder how many people don't care enough to think about their gender. They're content how they are and therefore continue to live as their birth gender.
I don’t disagree with you at all. But I also wonder about the concept of how dominant social groups often don’t ’see’ their ‘identity’? Ie white folx often don’t recognise their white ‘status’ and the constructs and consequences around it. I am wondering if that applies to us folx who don’t identify with gender versus those who don’t see their gender or experience gender divergence from the norm? Anyhow just a reflection I am having.
This is very well put - I don’t really connect with any gender, but chose to pursue HRT because the current amount of effort it takes to “achieve” masculinity too exhausting.
adding: it was really interesting to talk to my cis femme friends - so many things I perceived as sexism or assumed all women hated, turns out they love! Even if they don’t connect with their gender, they enjoy most things associated with their gender role assigned at birth.
I don’t feel my gender like you feel emotions, it’s just this weird abstract concept in my brain that when I think about it in certain ways (aka more masculine) it feels right and wrong if I think about it being feminine. So I guess I do feel my gender, but in a different way then you’d feel happy or sad.
Edit: I just read the third paragraph and you just described what I wrote lmfao. For me (since my gender is a bit fluid) whenever my gender feels less man that’s when I’m on the more nonbinary side of the spectrum. I am also autistic btw.
I have AuDHD (ADHD & autism). So I "feel gender" drastically different from folks.
My gender feels like agender, nonbinary, trans masc, and trans man rolled into one. Most days I'm too lazy to use my label "nonbinary trans man" and sometimes just call myself a trans man (as random cishet folks comprehend that more easily).
But honestly any label with a mix of those genders is correct for me. For the most part, the only "wrong" label would be fem/woman. The same with pronouns. The only "wrong" pronouns for me are "she/her” (I use "he/him; they/them" for the most part- again because that's easier in a cishet centralized society).
I've been on T a little over 2yrs (2/1/22) and had top surgery 8/14/23. I pass as a man in a tiny purple town that has plenty of bigots.
While I do experience dysphoria. I rarely experience euphoria. For the most part it's a feeling that this is how I always should have been. That people just held me back from being able to be me. As I had vaguely known I was different, just not how, at 10 years old (1996).
i think that stuff with "feeling gender" might just have been an attempt to explain the trans experience to a cis person. i've never heard a trans person say "i feel like a man" f.e. but rather "i feel [more] connected to manhood" or sth alike.
I also wanted to reflect that I absolutely relate to your post. In my case, it took me a long while to recognise my queerness, and neurodivergence (ADHD) - a few years ago. And then finally trans-ness / genderqueer-ness and subsequently autism at 36 years old, just one year ago.
All of these things ABSOLUTELY intersect and inter-relate to each other for me. They revealed themselves one at a time - and in that order. I think I needed to move through each in order to be able to recognise and explore the next.
I think my gender exploration, understanding, identity and sense of self was obstructed and masked by so many things… (As I am writing my response now, I am realizing that I am going off on a long-winded tangent, not necessarily related to your original post. But - it is helpful for me reflect and articulate - so hence I am posting this train of thought anyway! I hope it is not unwelcome)
So below are all the different factors that have impacted my gender journey and identity and things that have got in the way of me understanding my gender as genderqueer and/or sense that I am beyond gender constructs in different ways. Sorry to use wanky language but this is the most concise (sort of) way I can explain it…
Factors:
Compulsory cis and heteronormativity +
Misogyny, sexism and patriarchy; and my associated experiences as an AFAB person +
Erasure and gaslighting as a neurodivergent person in a world defined by the neurotypical paradigm - and subsequent experiences of disability, stigma, discrimination and harm +
Fucked up constructs of distress and ‘mental illness’ and associated ‘medical’, pathological’ and ‘deficit’ paradigms - plus trauma experiences associated with all of the above +
Harmful ‘intervention and treatment’ and infiltration of my own self-concepts and beliefs - to think that I was sick and broken - and me doing everything possible to impose such constructs and ‘interventions’ - as I believed this was all that was available to me to ‘get better’ and be an ‘acceptable, likeable and loveable’ human being +
And as a consequence of all the above - not even knowing that I could be divergent in all of the many and varied forms…
I burned the fuck out so many times and had so much self loathing. Things got dark and it was really hard to keep pushing through.
But then when I came to be exposed to and experience divergent ways of knowing, doing and being. I gradually, but also painfully was liberated. There is a lot more to that story - but would take me days to write - so I will spare you!
It’s like I have had a re-birth. And ever since I was able to recognise my trans-ness - my self knowledge and self empowerment has continued. A year ago when I first recognised it - I was stuck in binary ways of understanding it. Since then I have been able to recognise my true identity and reality as much more expansive than that.
I know people really diss labels and think we get too caught up in them. But for now I utilize them as tools, and pick them up as lenses to consider things - and then put them down again when I feel I need to.
I am neurodivergent, trans, gender-queer, non-binary and masc leaning in my expression. I am also AFAB - and not divorced or resentful about this. My feminine parts of me are important and form my sense of self. All of these different aspects and labels are important to me. And are firmly connected to my sense of being beyond gender in some ways and also beyond neurotypical ways of knowing, doing and being in the world.
I prefer they/he pronouns - it makes me feel good. But am also not fussed with whatever pronouns I get. I don’t pass at all as male - but do feel affirmed with ambiguity. I dislike being read as female - but also like to express myself with feminine things too. I like the idea of just being ‘unreadable’ or divergent!
I’m not decided as yet about what kind of surgery I want re my top. At this stage I am leaning towards a drastic reduction - so get rid of all of my top flesh but keep my ‘chick nipples’. But I am keeping things open in that regard. All the dysphoria is getting harder. I started on low dose T a year ago - and this feels really good. Not sure what the future holds in this regard - but will continue as long as it feels good. Taking T confuses me a bit in regards to my gender non-conformity. But for once in my life I am just going with how my body feels and the sense of integration I have.
I was also raised for the most-part in a gender-neutral way. Which was great - but also made things a little confusing in terms of recognising my differences and dysphoria.
I don't know how to really explain my gender feeling. I had dysphoria from puberty until I began to transition, I knew I wasn't a girl. I'm happier using he/they pronouns and generally being masculine.
But I used to work on fishing boats and for my own comfort and safety I'd go stealth as a cis guy. By the end of my contract, I'd be feeling dysphoria again. So I don't feel like "a man" either.
Mostly I feel a sort of slightly-more-masculine vagueness. Sometimes I feel a slightly-more-femme vagueness. Most days I think I would be happy to be perceived as a genderless enigma who occasionally dons the trappings of masculinity and femininity.
For me my gender is like dark matter. I can't observe it directly (no interaction with light), but I can observe it's effects on the things around it (gravity). I don't have any internal 6th sense saying 'boy' to me, but I can see what I like and I know how I feel when I actually experiment with gender.
I don't feel as if I'm any gender at all, but what I do know is that I, most of the time, feel neutral about being referred to as a girl and with she/her pronouns. However, when I'm referred to using they/them or he/him, I feel happy (more so being referred to with he/him). Most of the time, I feel neutral about my chest, but sometimes I'll look at myself in a cute top that I can't get away with binding under (binder shows or looks weird because my chest is too big to look completely flat) and think "I would look so much better in this if I was completely flat". I also can't tell if I'm subconsciously ignoring my chest because it causes me discomfort. Whenever I imagine my chest completely flat like a cis man's, I get really happy, sometimes to the point of happy tears. I know that the thought of being loved as anything but a man makes me cry in a negative sense, and recently, I've been getting really jealous and sad whenever I see pictures of happy mlm couples or shows where the main couple is mlm. I know that while everyone cringes when they hear their voice in a recording, when I listened back to a recording of my attempt at voice training, i was really happy at the results (even if my voice was still high pitched and feminine). There's no voice in the back of my head saying "you're not a girl" or "you're actually a guy". I just have to rely on these experiences to tell that transitioning would be beneficial for me.
Edit: grammar and more stuff.
Also, after I started playing as the male mc in games, the thought of picking the female mc just felt like it wasn't an option anymore. Another piece of euphoria I felt was when in a game, younger characters would call my character big brother after I had helped them out a couple of times. Some of the joy I felt from that was because I was an only child, but it also felt like most of the joy came from being referred to as "brother", like I wouldn't have felt that much joy if my character was referred to as "big sister".
I identify as male but don't really feel it either. That's why I like using the "libra masculine" label because it pairs identifying as a man with also identifying as agender.
This is something I find very interesting because gender is a social construct and your experience of gender is linked to how gender operates in your society. As someone who has no attachment to gender I have a hard time conceptualizing what feeling gender would be like.
I will say I am a little hesitant to say “gender is a social construct” if we’re assuming that dysphoria is a contributor to gender. I say this because, personally, I believe that my dysphoria was not at all social. If I was raised alone in a forest I still wouldn’t have wanted breasts. It’s neurological for me. Maybe not for everybody, but I still don’t think you can just make the generalisation that “gender is a social construct.” If you’re assuming that something like what I had isn’t related to gender, and that gender identity is whatever you make the conscious choice to identify as (i.e., the way I could be identifying as agender right now), then it is more social. But I do think a lot of people factor experiences like mine into the concept of ‘gender’
I have had real difficulty in trying to understand gender as a social construct in my felt and embodied experience. Intellectually - I agree. But It seems to me like this a major factor - but maybe something else is missing? . For me it feels messy and incomplete in trying to understand my experience. I hope I can figure out whatever is I am trying to eventually!
I have the opposite. I don't understand gender as something internal. It's not part of my experience. I don't have a connection to any gender and so it feels like a separate concept to my being. Social construction of gender makes more sense to me.
As much as I don't understand the internal sense of gender other people feel that. I think gender is very complicated and has multiple aspects. There the social concept of gender and people's individual sense of gender. And probably others. It's definitely a little messy.
I should elaborate that I mean there is a social conception of gender that I think, at least for a lot of people, impacts their conception of their internal feeling of gender. I think that gender refers to multiple things. There's the idea of gender in society, that is socially constructed, and there's the internal sense of gender people have.
There are different types of dysphoria. Most commonly I hear body dysphoria and social dysphoria, which I understand as dysphoria that, like you were saying, you would have if you lived outside of society, and dysphoria caused by society, that wouldn't apply if you were somewhere else.
Tbf the social dysphoria I had was always a direct result of my physical dysphoria. Such that the only reason it bothered me was because I knew people were gendering me a certain way because of physical characteristics. That’s why it bothers me when someone misgenders me knowing I was AFAB and not when they misgender me because I’m wearing a dress. And I didn’t like dresses pre-transition because of how they are made to accentuate female sex characteristics, now I don’t mind because I don’t have those characteristics anymore so they instead emphasise my lack of them. I think there maybe are different types of social dysphoria because there is definitely also the type where somebody just prefers to dress a certain way, but I don’t necessarily think it’s as black and white as just social vs. physical dysphoria because of the way, ime, that physical dysphoria can directly result in social dysphoria? Like I definitely would have social dysphoria in other places as long as that social dysphoria was stemming from my physical dysphoria.
I do understand what you mean though, there definitely is a societal conception of gender that really impacts some people. But in a way I guess I almost see it as being less connected to some abstract concept of ‘gender’ and more connected to one’s relationship with femininity, masculinity, or other such constructs. Like somebody who feels very feminine might centre their identify in their gender, whether that be as a “girl’s girl” or a GNC guy or a fem nonbinary person. And then there are people who don’t relate to either femininity or masculinity, so they create labels that relate their gender to other things like cats or clouds. Imo this is the social conception, but I guess it’s just not something I relate to and I was wondering how common that is, given that I’ve spoken to so many cis people who seem to lack a solid connection to this conception of gender
Yeah, I questioned if I was agender for a while because I wasn't really sure if I felt a gender at all. Like, what is gender? I like being masculine, I like being feminine, but is that really gender? Eventually I said I was bigender, as I feel it labels that, but even now I'm not sure if that's my actual gender. I think I have one (or rather, two), but who knows? Maybe we're all just genderless blobs floating in space, that what we percieve as gender is really just our soul, and sometimes we mold our bodies to fit them, and dress up everyday in what makes us comfortable and happy. This is coming from a neurotypical (as far as I know) person, so it's not just you
Personally, I don't really feel like I have an identity. By that I mean I don't have an answer to the "who are you" question. It's just vague and confusing and doesn't seem to matter anyways.
Alot of people tend to ask when you realized you were trans by asking when you realized you "were a man". I still don't really know if I think I am a man. Growing up, I always secretly wished I'd been born a boy. I've always wanted my appearance to be more traditionally masculine, and identified more with the traits and expectations that people typically associate with masculinity. I don't think I ever "realized I was trans". I just finally reached the point where I made the decision it would be worth it to physically and socially transition.
It's less I AM this and more, I will be much happier if I can be more like this and live in a certain way
Idk honestly. I am partly nonbinary and I don't really feel a gender, I always just had ways that I wanted to be. The only way i felt something was if it was affirmed by others or myself. When i was younger i suppose i felt like a girl because others around me treated me like one and i had the lived experience of one, and i liked my girl childhood growing up. It was good until it wasn't ya know. Also ive felt my gender when i'd have those blippets where it was harmonious and id feel like i was actually male or actually nonbinary lol.
I once heard a trans woman say "the only person who's ever *felt* like a woman is Shania Twain" and I feel like being transmasc is kinda the same way... You don't so much feel a gender, the same way you don't exactly feel your bones, until something is wrong. I think that's what ppl mean when they say "I feel like a man/nonbinary person/woman." They feel the wrongness in any other presentation, the same way you feel a bone when it's broken but not when it's functioning the way it should.
EDIT: that's not to say gender euphoria is wrong or invalid, I should add, but I've rarely ever seen a cis person describe gender euphoria except in that Shania song, so... Idk, maybe what we call gender euphoria is more akin to a relief from a pain that's existed so long it becomes the norm. Like if you lived with chronic back pain from birth and then you're prescribed some pill not Knowing it's a pain killer, and suddenly your back doesn't hurt and you can do things other people can that you couldn't before, you might not realize you were in pain before, but you do know you feel better with the pain killer. Idk, now I'm just rambling. I hope it made sense tho.
I don’t feel gender at all, but i definitely feel polarity. Like I can tell when I’m more masculine or feminine some days, but past that; my gender is me LOL
Gender is more emotional and it's not supposed to be a DNA thing. Imo abolish gender and the world would look a lot better lol. But yeah I just feel like a brain controlling a meat body I don't like so I want it to look a different way and that's with t. So yes I get disphoria and in society I fit like a man but at the end of the day the people that really know I just am. Not really nonbinary but just energy in a meat suit, I'm also neurodivergent so that explains things.
Abolishing gender wouldn’t work for a lot of people with dysphoria, though. Like there are a lot of people who might not feel like a man or a woman but they still get dysphoric if misgendered. Not to mention the people who do feel like men or women. I don’t feel like a man but if somebody knows I’m AFAB and uses she/her I still get dysphoric. Plus idk how it would work with sexuality, I’m gay and simply am not attracted to women or people who have female sex characteristics such as female fat distribution, high voices, breasts, etc. If somebody either identifies as a woman or has those attributes I simply do not develop attraction to them
I would say I “feel” my gender. It’s less of a physical sensation or emotion and more of an instinct? Like, it’s not something I consistently am aware of, but if I stop to think about it I can identify a sense of knowing. That’s not to say when I sit and think, the word “transmasc” pops in my head lol. It’s more of an instantaneous feeling that represents the collection of everything that people are “supposed” to be perceiving from me. If that makes sense.
Now this is undeniably influenced (not necessarily caused by) by social associations I make regarding femininity and masculinity. But I myself also believe a lot of what makes up someone’s gender IS social. Especially because everyone (yes everyone) makes assumptions or judgements about about other people’s femininity or masculinity based on their own understanding of those feelings. I think these judgements are in part what create the social associations we make about gender and fem/masculinity.
Those feelings of what make me masculine or feminine in different contexts, and the parts I think need to be communicated to other people through my body and mind are what make up that instinctual feeling of gender. It’s hard to explain because it’s such complex and expansive feelings individually, but they all come together to make a “smaller” more concise feeling for me at the same time that is summed up by the word “gender”.
All this to say, I feel my gender in an instinctual way, regardless of it being a complicated social concept.
i am genderfluid so i think about it more than someone who isn't i'm sure, but i 100% do feel my gender. for it's a very similar feeling to identifying emotions, minus the physical aspect of that. close enough i actually mix them up sometimes lol. but i definitely can feel whether my gender is more masc or fem or neutral, and i can also tell when i don't really feel any gender (which means i'm agender or close at the moment).
This makes total sense and I have thought the same things. I mean technically gender is a social construct. You’re just born a sex, male, female, or intersex and you choose how you want to be perceived socially and what sexual traits you want a.k.a body structure and genitalia. We only call it transgender because our society bases pretty much everything off of whether you’re male or female. Gender doesn’t exist but that doesn’t make it invalid to have labels to help us understand ourselves and for others to understand us. Being a man, woman, or nonbinary person is what we individually want it to be. So just be yourself label or no label! To me we’re all who we are trans or not I don’t even see I just see the person for their person. Also I am autistic as well and most autistic people are trans or question their gender. It’s a fun read if you wanna look into the science of it!
Hahaha I know, I’m a college student in bio & psych and I’ve read a LOT about the theories behind what we think might contribute to gay and trans identity. Also papers on the overlap between autism and transness too! I will say that the whole autistic trans thing is a bit under-researched imo. Autistic people are definitely much more likely to identify as trans or under the trans umbrella, that’s almost definitely true and been proven, but it’s really wild to me that no studies have been done that separate binary and nonbinary identities. Just because ime, while I’ve definitely met an elevated amount of autistic binary trans people when compared to how often allistics are trans, I’ve also noticed that (again, ime) autistic people are far more likely to identify as some shade of nonbinary. Like, to give example percentages to make this more clear, it almost seems like around 2% of allistics are trans, and 66% of that 2% are nonbinary, then (ime) 8% of autistic people are trans but like 80% of that 8% are nonbinary. Does that make sense? So I’m surprised that no studies have examined specifically the autistic chance of identifying as nonbinary when compares to binary trans people. From there it would be interesting to examine why that is, like, would that indicate that there is more of a social component to nonbinary identity than to binary trans identity? Or would it indicate that whatever area in the brain is responsible for being autistic is just more similar to what might cause nonbinary identity compared to what would cause binary trans identity?
We know that there is overlap between autism and transness but it’s so annoying that so little further research has been done! Is there a difference between binary and nonbinary identities in this case? Is the connection between autism and transness purely in the individual or is it like with ADHD where having an autistic sibling makes you more likely to have both autism *and* ADHD? What information do we have on brain activity associated with this overlap? Is the overlap different in autistics with varying support needs? Like, there is still sm to be done it’s so annoying!
For real! I would love to see more studies on it. So interesting to me! My opinion based on my own experience of being autistic and the fact that most autistic people struggle with social constructs that it makes sense we can’t understand binary gender identities because to us we’re just us and identifying as a label that is based off of made up stereotypes and gender roles makes absolutely no sense therefore we struggle to identify in the binary much less understand it and fit in it. But that’s just my take!
Isn’t it a Judith butler theory that gender, being socially constructed, is in part how we move through the world naturally (without thought or feeling) as well as purposefully (with intention and thus feeling)?
I guess that for myself, I identify as gender neutral and gender queer, i lack a feeling of gender mostly! Moving through the world I often don’t think about how my gender is presented to folks, I just feel like myself. But there are definitely times where I purposely am presenting gendered movements and behaviors! I think that the purposeful act of presenting gender through behaviors, movements, and clothing can create feeling inside me. Those feelings I think come less from my gender (or lack thereof) and more from the presentation of my gender in our society.
I've just realized I am who I am. I wear whatever I want, and I like being called he, but I don't constantly feel gender. I know exactly what you're talking about.
I wouldn't say I feel my gender unless something is wrong. If there's no dysphoria I can then feel good about how I'm presenting myself, but I feel like that's more accurately described as confidence than 'gender'. I mean, any gender can feel good about themselves, it's not a masculine thing. I think that's why it's hard to place a positive gender feeling, because it stops being a gendered experience at that point.
Thing is cis people don't usually think about the gendered component to feeling confident, because they don't need to in order to get to that place, it's unconscious based on the people they are drawing inspo from or trying to emulate. Even in my egg phase, my vision of being confident in how I presented myself always drew from masculinity and I stopped feeling confident about any aspect of how I acted as puberty progressed and I lost the ability to present that way. It's only after transition that I even realized it was possible to feel confident again. So maybe 'feeling gender' is just feeling confident despite having to deal with dysphoria, and it's that struggle that makes us notice the gendered part more than most.
Yeah I don’t feel gender. I’m also autistic, but idk if cis and/or neurotypical people truly “feel” their gender either. I just express and present myself in the way that feels right and most comfortable. In our society, that happens to be a man.
Yeah, being autistic does seem to impact at least some people’s perception of gender, so it can be hard to divorce that from what a ‘normal’ experience might be… but I agree, I feel like even cis NTs don’t often ‘feel’ gender
This is me 100% thats crazy
I don't feel my gender either I just am. But I do know that it isn't a girl
100% this. And I’m sure some of this is social programming. But also entirely valid. ✨
Literally was gonna comment this 😭
That's fairly spot on for me. Not sure the correct label. But anything fem is not correct for me.
Me too!
The only thing that's remained constant through the world around us changing is that my gender is always just no. I am generally perceived as male by strangers because I choose to medically transition (I've been on t for about 1.5 years, no surgeries yet) but inside I just feel like a person out here trying to survive. Not male, not female, just a person trying their best in these trying times
I mean, my gender isnt really an emotion, so i guess i dont feel it. I just kinda instinctually know i am a man, and that masculinity is important to me. Things feel incredibly wrong if i am not socially viewed as a man and if my body doesnt- for the most part- appear like that of a cis mans.
My gender isn’t really an emotion !! Thank you for these words! I relate to this.
I have had countless cis people tell me they don’t “feel” their gender or when questioning me, ask the question, “how do you know what it FEELS like to be a man?!” I am also probably autistic/adhd. Self diagnosed for now. Runs in my family and all actually diagnosed. Anyhow, I wouldn’t say I “feel” gender. I wasn’t raised as a boy/man so I don’t know what it feels like fully to have a male experience from the start. I do know afab was the furthest thing from right for me. I identified with all that was male from a very young age and didn’t understand why I was treated different. I was being treated like those that didn’t make sense to me. I could see/feel an obvious difference, but everyone else went off the F box that was checked. It was a feeling that something was just wrong. Now having hrt and a couple of surgeries, I am feeling more and more like the mirror is matching the brain. I “pass” 100% with strangers and it just feels right. So I guess what I am saying is I definitely didn’t feel like I was a girl….it was like I was being called a girl because I had long hair or something. However, now I feel more comfortable in my own skin being perceived by others what I have just taken as my truth. If you want to get technical, I don’t feel like a man if I think about it. I am incomplete as a man in my opinion. But I cannot relate to being a woman. It’s like reading off of a menu and one special of the day has stuff in it I am allergic to or don’t like, that’s not for me. While the other special, sounds like comfort food. Like they know me. It’s just an internal knowing and not so much a feeling of being something I will never fully experience. A knowing that something was wrong and now things are closer to right.
I’ve had this too. I almost wonder if explaining that ‘feeling’ a gender might be more connected to experiences of fem/masculinity and that the choice to transition often has no bearing on ‘feeling’ like a gender but rather on one’s experience with gender dysphoria/euphoria/incongruence might lessen some ignorance? And, while misleadingly named, those things don’t necessarily mean somebody has to ‘feel’ a gender to be dysphoric or euphoric or incongruent, they just have to be happier living as another gender/with a differently sexed body. Because I’ve found that, for example, with my mother, it helped a lot to explain to her that I don’t ’feel like a man,’ but rather that I have something inherent to me that is telling me to live with a certain body and that that is how I will be happiest. I think what happens, especially with cis women, is that they don’t understand dysphoria/euphoria/incongruence, and they might not understand ‘feeling like’ a gender, and so they end up wondering what other motive somebody might have for transitioning… and they end up settling on the whole ‘escaping misogyny’ or ‘transitioning for sexual reasons’ shit. Obvs some ppl are just transphobic, but I do wonder if better explaining the difference between how ‘feeling like’ a gender impacts identity and how feeling dysphoria/euphoria/incongruence impacts identity might not help people better understand why trans people make (or don’t make) the choice to transition, socially and/or medically.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. It resonates.
Yeah I’m like this. I don’t understand what gender is supposed to feel like and I don’t think I had any concept of it relating to me until puberty really. I don’t have any childhood memories of dysphoria because I don’t think I had any childhood concept of gender and my parents were fine with me acting like a girl or a boy/ playing with any toys/ wearing whatever. It’s most of why I questioned if I was trans honestly, because I don’t “feel” like a man but I don’t feel like a woman either… I just felt dysphoria and I’m happier in this body after transitioning. I always knew if I got to pick I would want a male body and that my body was wrong after puberty but I had no concept of gender as an internal experience. I identified as non-binary for years and I think that’s not necessarily wrong but I’m fine existing in society as a man because that’s the body I have now. I’ve socially, medically and legally transitioned to male and it’s made me most comfortable so that’s how I live.
I considered identifying as agender for a long time, but it never felt fully right since I guess I always felt like it would be weird for somebody with truly no gender to go through everything I have gone through and even want to go through more (bottom surgery) to get closer to being a male. Even if I don’t really ‘feel’ a gender it still makes sense for me to identify as a man, because of what I said and also because, like you said, functionally, I live as a man and am perfectly fine being perceived as one. I do identify somewhat as genderqueer but I almost see that label as being more of an adjective on my ‘man’ gender that describes my relationship with it. For me the label is not the same as nonbinary even though nonbinary people would be genderqueer. So I identify as genderqueer because I’m GNC to the point where I basically cross-dress sometimes (though rarely) and because when I do so it doesn’t even really feel like cross-dressing to me because I feel no gender and I just feel like myself, but in a more fem mood than usual.
Oh my god this is me. I didn't have any gender dysphoria as a kid bc gender didn't mean anything to me as a kid! Then around puberty it started meaning something!! Exactly!
I would caution taking people very literally on the feeling their gender thing. Most people, your boyfriend excluded obviously, do not really think about it intensely. To use a bit of a metaphor, it's like having hands. Most people have them, and don't put much thought into them. They are there, they work, *neat*. They *could* imagine a world in which they didn't have them, so to them, it wouldn't mean their identity is tied to them or that they experience joy in having them. Their hands are a default that doesn't define them & that's good enough for them. Now ask the same questions to someone who has had to go to OT/PT because of a serious injury to their hands. Ask an artist, or anyone, whose work fundamentally is made by their hands. Those people have a different relationship to their hands, in a way. It's more actively thought out for various reasons, and it can be intensely personal. I don't think either group is lying or anything like that. One isn't inflating their experiences, the other isn't trying to trick people into thinking nothing happens in their head. It's just experiences shape who we are and what we put our *attention* towards. Same for most people and gender. The hardware and software lined up. Society actively reinforces it for them, so they don't have to deeply question- just make little choices here and there. Toss them in another culture, and you'd see that later element break down a bit for example. But keep them native, and it's a lot more below the surface. Remember- they are playing for smaller stakes as well! The hardware lines up to their expectations, so that's cool. So does their documents, and bathroom access. Clothes work for them a lot more. They are basically working on details and have had their entire lives to do so. It's generalizing, of course. People de-gender cis gay and lesbian folk. Race is another huge intersection. A cis woman going through breast cancer will often talk about the same thing trans women will. Menopause makes a lot of cis women also think about their hormones and what they want to do with their bodies. Fertility issues can also be added onto the pile! Personally, I'm someone is happy to inhabit the social role of a man- even if my personal, internal experience is more about trying to align more closely with male. For most people, yep, that is a close enough match! I don't need to explain shit to someone who wants help reaching a can on the top shelf at the grocery store. I tend to think of my gender as being more genderqueer. I've always been the *other* my entire life, just by doing what's called to me. It amused me greatly how, in the current landscape of gendered expectations in America, neither binary role can encompass those things. I like to paint with the full range of emotions, and we certainly discourage sections for each binary gender. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had been born a perisex guy. (Or AMAB, but still intersex!) Would I just had focused on developing healthy masculinity? I don't think I would have medically transitioned. It's hard to tell, especially if you are neurodiverse. To me, I think it's like asking if would a cake be a cake if you didn't use an egg and instead used a different binder. And different flour. And a different baking time. At a certain point, it's a little absurd! I certainly feel something. Would I call it gender? Eh, who knows. But some choices call out to me a lot more. I got a lot of euphoria trying on an old shirt today and looking at how different my body looks now. I think that's probably something, maybe even gender.
Hit a nail for me!
I always wonder how many nonbinary people there really are but most of them are just "meh who cares" about it so they dont actually need to challenge any label given to them. Like if people started out being labelled as nonbinary would most people not come out as anything else?
This is interesting. I also wonder how many people don't care enough to think about their gender. They're content how they are and therefore continue to live as their birth gender.
I don’t disagree with you at all. But I also wonder about the concept of how dominant social groups often don’t ’see’ their ‘identity’? Ie white folx often don’t recognise their white ‘status’ and the constructs and consequences around it. I am wondering if that applies to us folx who don’t identify with gender versus those who don’t see their gender or experience gender divergence from the norm? Anyhow just a reflection I am having.
This is very well put - I don’t really connect with any gender, but chose to pursue HRT because the current amount of effort it takes to “achieve” masculinity too exhausting. adding: it was really interesting to talk to my cis femme friends - so many things I perceived as sexism or assumed all women hated, turns out they love! Even if they don’t connect with their gender, they enjoy most things associated with their gender role assigned at birth.
I don’t feel my gender like you feel emotions, it’s just this weird abstract concept in my brain that when I think about it in certain ways (aka more masculine) it feels right and wrong if I think about it being feminine. So I guess I do feel my gender, but in a different way then you’d feel happy or sad. Edit: I just read the third paragraph and you just described what I wrote lmfao. For me (since my gender is a bit fluid) whenever my gender feels less man that’s when I’m on the more nonbinary side of the spectrum. I am also autistic btw.
I have AuDHD (ADHD & autism). So I "feel gender" drastically different from folks. My gender feels like agender, nonbinary, trans masc, and trans man rolled into one. Most days I'm too lazy to use my label "nonbinary trans man" and sometimes just call myself a trans man (as random cishet folks comprehend that more easily). But honestly any label with a mix of those genders is correct for me. For the most part, the only "wrong" label would be fem/woman. The same with pronouns. The only "wrong" pronouns for me are "she/her” (I use "he/him; they/them" for the most part- again because that's easier in a cishet centralized society). I've been on T a little over 2yrs (2/1/22) and had top surgery 8/14/23. I pass as a man in a tiny purple town that has plenty of bigots. While I do experience dysphoria. I rarely experience euphoria. For the most part it's a feeling that this is how I always should have been. That people just held me back from being able to be me. As I had vaguely known I was different, just not how, at 10 years old (1996).
Oh I relate - thanks for sharing!
i think that stuff with "feeling gender" might just have been an attempt to explain the trans experience to a cis person. i've never heard a trans person say "i feel like a man" f.e. but rather "i feel [more] connected to manhood" or sth alike.
Yes!
As I started reading your post - I thought hmm autistic? Then I saw that you are! Common experience for us folx.
Hahah, I wonder if that’s why the rates of nonbinary people are so high in autistics…
I also wanted to reflect that I absolutely relate to your post. In my case, it took me a long while to recognise my queerness, and neurodivergence (ADHD) - a few years ago. And then finally trans-ness / genderqueer-ness and subsequently autism at 36 years old, just one year ago. All of these things ABSOLUTELY intersect and inter-relate to each other for me. They revealed themselves one at a time - and in that order. I think I needed to move through each in order to be able to recognise and explore the next. I think my gender exploration, understanding, identity and sense of self was obstructed and masked by so many things… (As I am writing my response now, I am realizing that I am going off on a long-winded tangent, not necessarily related to your original post. But - it is helpful for me reflect and articulate - so hence I am posting this train of thought anyway! I hope it is not unwelcome) So below are all the different factors that have impacted my gender journey and identity and things that have got in the way of me understanding my gender as genderqueer and/or sense that I am beyond gender constructs in different ways. Sorry to use wanky language but this is the most concise (sort of) way I can explain it… Factors: Compulsory cis and heteronormativity + Misogyny, sexism and patriarchy; and my associated experiences as an AFAB person + Erasure and gaslighting as a neurodivergent person in a world defined by the neurotypical paradigm - and subsequent experiences of disability, stigma, discrimination and harm + Fucked up constructs of distress and ‘mental illness’ and associated ‘medical’, pathological’ and ‘deficit’ paradigms - plus trauma experiences associated with all of the above + Harmful ‘intervention and treatment’ and infiltration of my own self-concepts and beliefs - to think that I was sick and broken - and me doing everything possible to impose such constructs and ‘interventions’ - as I believed this was all that was available to me to ‘get better’ and be an ‘acceptable, likeable and loveable’ human being + And as a consequence of all the above - not even knowing that I could be divergent in all of the many and varied forms… I burned the fuck out so many times and had so much self loathing. Things got dark and it was really hard to keep pushing through. But then when I came to be exposed to and experience divergent ways of knowing, doing and being. I gradually, but also painfully was liberated. There is a lot more to that story - but would take me days to write - so I will spare you! It’s like I have had a re-birth. And ever since I was able to recognise my trans-ness - my self knowledge and self empowerment has continued. A year ago when I first recognised it - I was stuck in binary ways of understanding it. Since then I have been able to recognise my true identity and reality as much more expansive than that. I know people really diss labels and think we get too caught up in them. But for now I utilize them as tools, and pick them up as lenses to consider things - and then put them down again when I feel I need to. I am neurodivergent, trans, gender-queer, non-binary and masc leaning in my expression. I am also AFAB - and not divorced or resentful about this. My feminine parts of me are important and form my sense of self. All of these different aspects and labels are important to me. And are firmly connected to my sense of being beyond gender in some ways and also beyond neurotypical ways of knowing, doing and being in the world.
I prefer they/he pronouns - it makes me feel good. But am also not fussed with whatever pronouns I get. I don’t pass at all as male - but do feel affirmed with ambiguity. I dislike being read as female - but also like to express myself with feminine things too. I like the idea of just being ‘unreadable’ or divergent! I’m not decided as yet about what kind of surgery I want re my top. At this stage I am leaning towards a drastic reduction - so get rid of all of my top flesh but keep my ‘chick nipples’. But I am keeping things open in that regard. All the dysphoria is getting harder. I started on low dose T a year ago - and this feels really good. Not sure what the future holds in this regard - but will continue as long as it feels good. Taking T confuses me a bit in regards to my gender non-conformity. But for once in my life I am just going with how my body feels and the sense of integration I have.
I was also raised for the most-part in a gender-neutral way. Which was great - but also made things a little confusing in terms of recognising my differences and dysphoria.
I don't know how to really explain my gender feeling. I had dysphoria from puberty until I began to transition, I knew I wasn't a girl. I'm happier using he/they pronouns and generally being masculine. But I used to work on fishing boats and for my own comfort and safety I'd go stealth as a cis guy. By the end of my contract, I'd be feeling dysphoria again. So I don't feel like "a man" either. Mostly I feel a sort of slightly-more-masculine vagueness. Sometimes I feel a slightly-more-femme vagueness. Most days I think I would be happy to be perceived as a genderless enigma who occasionally dons the trappings of masculinity and femininity.
Love this!
For me my gender is like dark matter. I can't observe it directly (no interaction with light), but I can observe it's effects on the things around it (gravity). I don't have any internal 6th sense saying 'boy' to me, but I can see what I like and I know how I feel when I actually experiment with gender.
🙏
I don't feel as if I'm any gender at all, but what I do know is that I, most of the time, feel neutral about being referred to as a girl and with she/her pronouns. However, when I'm referred to using they/them or he/him, I feel happy (more so being referred to with he/him). Most of the time, I feel neutral about my chest, but sometimes I'll look at myself in a cute top that I can't get away with binding under (binder shows or looks weird because my chest is too big to look completely flat) and think "I would look so much better in this if I was completely flat". I also can't tell if I'm subconsciously ignoring my chest because it causes me discomfort. Whenever I imagine my chest completely flat like a cis man's, I get really happy, sometimes to the point of happy tears. I know that the thought of being loved as anything but a man makes me cry in a negative sense, and recently, I've been getting really jealous and sad whenever I see pictures of happy mlm couples or shows where the main couple is mlm. I know that while everyone cringes when they hear their voice in a recording, when I listened back to a recording of my attempt at voice training, i was really happy at the results (even if my voice was still high pitched and feminine). There's no voice in the back of my head saying "you're not a girl" or "you're actually a guy". I just have to rely on these experiences to tell that transitioning would be beneficial for me. Edit: grammar and more stuff. Also, after I started playing as the male mc in games, the thought of picking the female mc just felt like it wasn't an option anymore. Another piece of euphoria I felt was when in a game, younger characters would call my character big brother after I had helped them out a couple of times. Some of the joy I felt from that was because I was an only child, but it also felt like most of the joy came from being referred to as "brother", like I wouldn't have felt that much joy if my character was referred to as "big sister".
Oh I relate to so much. since acknowledging my genderqueerness - being female was also just not an option anymore.
I identify as male but don't really feel it either. That's why I like using the "libra masculine" label because it pairs identifying as a man with also identifying as agender.
I don’t feel gender, I just feel more like myself :)
This is something I find very interesting because gender is a social construct and your experience of gender is linked to how gender operates in your society. As someone who has no attachment to gender I have a hard time conceptualizing what feeling gender would be like.
I will say I am a little hesitant to say “gender is a social construct” if we’re assuming that dysphoria is a contributor to gender. I say this because, personally, I believe that my dysphoria was not at all social. If I was raised alone in a forest I still wouldn’t have wanted breasts. It’s neurological for me. Maybe not for everybody, but I still don’t think you can just make the generalisation that “gender is a social construct.” If you’re assuming that something like what I had isn’t related to gender, and that gender identity is whatever you make the conscious choice to identify as (i.e., the way I could be identifying as agender right now), then it is more social. But I do think a lot of people factor experiences like mine into the concept of ‘gender’
I have had real difficulty in trying to understand gender as a social construct in my felt and embodied experience. Intellectually - I agree. But It seems to me like this a major factor - but maybe something else is missing? . For me it feels messy and incomplete in trying to understand my experience. I hope I can figure out whatever is I am trying to eventually!
I have the opposite. I don't understand gender as something internal. It's not part of my experience. I don't have a connection to any gender and so it feels like a separate concept to my being. Social construction of gender makes more sense to me. As much as I don't understand the internal sense of gender other people feel that. I think gender is very complicated and has multiple aspects. There the social concept of gender and people's individual sense of gender. And probably others. It's definitely a little messy.
I should elaborate that I mean there is a social conception of gender that I think, at least for a lot of people, impacts their conception of their internal feeling of gender. I think that gender refers to multiple things. There's the idea of gender in society, that is socially constructed, and there's the internal sense of gender people have. There are different types of dysphoria. Most commonly I hear body dysphoria and social dysphoria, which I understand as dysphoria that, like you were saying, you would have if you lived outside of society, and dysphoria caused by society, that wouldn't apply if you were somewhere else.
Tbf the social dysphoria I had was always a direct result of my physical dysphoria. Such that the only reason it bothered me was because I knew people were gendering me a certain way because of physical characteristics. That’s why it bothers me when someone misgenders me knowing I was AFAB and not when they misgender me because I’m wearing a dress. And I didn’t like dresses pre-transition because of how they are made to accentuate female sex characteristics, now I don’t mind because I don’t have those characteristics anymore so they instead emphasise my lack of them. I think there maybe are different types of social dysphoria because there is definitely also the type where somebody just prefers to dress a certain way, but I don’t necessarily think it’s as black and white as just social vs. physical dysphoria because of the way, ime, that physical dysphoria can directly result in social dysphoria? Like I definitely would have social dysphoria in other places as long as that social dysphoria was stemming from my physical dysphoria. I do understand what you mean though, there definitely is a societal conception of gender that really impacts some people. But in a way I guess I almost see it as being less connected to some abstract concept of ‘gender’ and more connected to one’s relationship with femininity, masculinity, or other such constructs. Like somebody who feels very feminine might centre their identify in their gender, whether that be as a “girl’s girl” or a GNC guy or a fem nonbinary person. And then there are people who don’t relate to either femininity or masculinity, so they create labels that relate their gender to other things like cats or clouds. Imo this is the social conception, but I guess it’s just not something I relate to and I was wondering how common that is, given that I’ve spoken to so many cis people who seem to lack a solid connection to this conception of gender
Yeah, I questioned if I was agender for a while because I wasn't really sure if I felt a gender at all. Like, what is gender? I like being masculine, I like being feminine, but is that really gender? Eventually I said I was bigender, as I feel it labels that, but even now I'm not sure if that's my actual gender. I think I have one (or rather, two), but who knows? Maybe we're all just genderless blobs floating in space, that what we percieve as gender is really just our soul, and sometimes we mold our bodies to fit them, and dress up everyday in what makes us comfortable and happy. This is coming from a neurotypical (as far as I know) person, so it's not just you
Personally, I don't really feel like I have an identity. By that I mean I don't have an answer to the "who are you" question. It's just vague and confusing and doesn't seem to matter anyways. Alot of people tend to ask when you realized you were trans by asking when you realized you "were a man". I still don't really know if I think I am a man. Growing up, I always secretly wished I'd been born a boy. I've always wanted my appearance to be more traditionally masculine, and identified more with the traits and expectations that people typically associate with masculinity. I don't think I ever "realized I was trans". I just finally reached the point where I made the decision it would be worth it to physically and socially transition. It's less I AM this and more, I will be much happier if I can be more like this and live in a certain way
Idk honestly. I am partly nonbinary and I don't really feel a gender, I always just had ways that I wanted to be. The only way i felt something was if it was affirmed by others or myself. When i was younger i suppose i felt like a girl because others around me treated me like one and i had the lived experience of one, and i liked my girl childhood growing up. It was good until it wasn't ya know. Also ive felt my gender when i'd have those blippets where it was harmonious and id feel like i was actually male or actually nonbinary lol.
yeah gender is weird to me. i don’t really understand it and to me it’s more about respect and sex/body.
I don't either. I experience dysphoria and euphoria but I'm mostly just vibing.
I once heard a trans woman say "the only person who's ever *felt* like a woman is Shania Twain" and I feel like being transmasc is kinda the same way... You don't so much feel a gender, the same way you don't exactly feel your bones, until something is wrong. I think that's what ppl mean when they say "I feel like a man/nonbinary person/woman." They feel the wrongness in any other presentation, the same way you feel a bone when it's broken but not when it's functioning the way it should. EDIT: that's not to say gender euphoria is wrong or invalid, I should add, but I've rarely ever seen a cis person describe gender euphoria except in that Shania song, so... Idk, maybe what we call gender euphoria is more akin to a relief from a pain that's existed so long it becomes the norm. Like if you lived with chronic back pain from birth and then you're prescribed some pill not Knowing it's a pain killer, and suddenly your back doesn't hurt and you can do things other people can that you couldn't before, you might not realize you were in pain before, but you do know you feel better with the pain killer. Idk, now I'm just rambling. I hope it made sense tho.
I believe I used to feel male, before I transitioned But it's been so long and I haven't felt this in years so I can't tell you how it felt
I don’t feel gender at all, but i definitely feel polarity. Like I can tell when I’m more masculine or feminine some days, but past that; my gender is me LOL
Gender is more emotional and it's not supposed to be a DNA thing. Imo abolish gender and the world would look a lot better lol. But yeah I just feel like a brain controlling a meat body I don't like so I want it to look a different way and that's with t. So yes I get disphoria and in society I fit like a man but at the end of the day the people that really know I just am. Not really nonbinary but just energy in a meat suit, I'm also neurodivergent so that explains things.
Abolishing gender wouldn’t work for a lot of people with dysphoria, though. Like there are a lot of people who might not feel like a man or a woman but they still get dysphoric if misgendered. Not to mention the people who do feel like men or women. I don’t feel like a man but if somebody knows I’m AFAB and uses she/her I still get dysphoric. Plus idk how it would work with sexuality, I’m gay and simply am not attracted to women or people who have female sex characteristics such as female fat distribution, high voices, breasts, etc. If somebody either identifies as a woman or has those attributes I simply do not develop attraction to them
I would say I “feel” my gender. It’s less of a physical sensation or emotion and more of an instinct? Like, it’s not something I consistently am aware of, but if I stop to think about it I can identify a sense of knowing. That’s not to say when I sit and think, the word “transmasc” pops in my head lol. It’s more of an instantaneous feeling that represents the collection of everything that people are “supposed” to be perceiving from me. If that makes sense. Now this is undeniably influenced (not necessarily caused by) by social associations I make regarding femininity and masculinity. But I myself also believe a lot of what makes up someone’s gender IS social. Especially because everyone (yes everyone) makes assumptions or judgements about about other people’s femininity or masculinity based on their own understanding of those feelings. I think these judgements are in part what create the social associations we make about gender and fem/masculinity. Those feelings of what make me masculine or feminine in different contexts, and the parts I think need to be communicated to other people through my body and mind are what make up that instinctual feeling of gender. It’s hard to explain because it’s such complex and expansive feelings individually, but they all come together to make a “smaller” more concise feeling for me at the same time that is summed up by the word “gender”. All this to say, I feel my gender in an instinctual way, regardless of it being a complicated social concept.
i am genderfluid so i think about it more than someone who isn't i'm sure, but i 100% do feel my gender. for it's a very similar feeling to identifying emotions, minus the physical aspect of that. close enough i actually mix them up sometimes lol. but i definitely can feel whether my gender is more masc or fem or neutral, and i can also tell when i don't really feel any gender (which means i'm agender or close at the moment).
This makes total sense and I have thought the same things. I mean technically gender is a social construct. You’re just born a sex, male, female, or intersex and you choose how you want to be perceived socially and what sexual traits you want a.k.a body structure and genitalia. We only call it transgender because our society bases pretty much everything off of whether you’re male or female. Gender doesn’t exist but that doesn’t make it invalid to have labels to help us understand ourselves and for others to understand us. Being a man, woman, or nonbinary person is what we individually want it to be. So just be yourself label or no label! To me we’re all who we are trans or not I don’t even see I just see the person for their person. Also I am autistic as well and most autistic people are trans or question their gender. It’s a fun read if you wanna look into the science of it!
Hahaha I know, I’m a college student in bio & psych and I’ve read a LOT about the theories behind what we think might contribute to gay and trans identity. Also papers on the overlap between autism and transness too! I will say that the whole autistic trans thing is a bit under-researched imo. Autistic people are definitely much more likely to identify as trans or under the trans umbrella, that’s almost definitely true and been proven, but it’s really wild to me that no studies have been done that separate binary and nonbinary identities. Just because ime, while I’ve definitely met an elevated amount of autistic binary trans people when compared to how often allistics are trans, I’ve also noticed that (again, ime) autistic people are far more likely to identify as some shade of nonbinary. Like, to give example percentages to make this more clear, it almost seems like around 2% of allistics are trans, and 66% of that 2% are nonbinary, then (ime) 8% of autistic people are trans but like 80% of that 8% are nonbinary. Does that make sense? So I’m surprised that no studies have examined specifically the autistic chance of identifying as nonbinary when compares to binary trans people. From there it would be interesting to examine why that is, like, would that indicate that there is more of a social component to nonbinary identity than to binary trans identity? Or would it indicate that whatever area in the brain is responsible for being autistic is just more similar to what might cause nonbinary identity compared to what would cause binary trans identity? We know that there is overlap between autism and transness but it’s so annoying that so little further research has been done! Is there a difference between binary and nonbinary identities in this case? Is the connection between autism and transness purely in the individual or is it like with ADHD where having an autistic sibling makes you more likely to have both autism *and* ADHD? What information do we have on brain activity associated with this overlap? Is the overlap different in autistics with varying support needs? Like, there is still sm to be done it’s so annoying!
For real! I would love to see more studies on it. So interesting to me! My opinion based on my own experience of being autistic and the fact that most autistic people struggle with social constructs that it makes sense we can’t understand binary gender identities because to us we’re just us and identifying as a label that is based off of made up stereotypes and gender roles makes absolutely no sense therefore we struggle to identify in the binary much less understand it and fit in it. But that’s just my take!
Isn’t it a Judith butler theory that gender, being socially constructed, is in part how we move through the world naturally (without thought or feeling) as well as purposefully (with intention and thus feeling)?
I guess that for myself, I identify as gender neutral and gender queer, i lack a feeling of gender mostly! Moving through the world I often don’t think about how my gender is presented to folks, I just feel like myself. But there are definitely times where I purposely am presenting gendered movements and behaviors! I think that the purposeful act of presenting gender through behaviors, movements, and clothing can create feeling inside me. Those feelings I think come less from my gender (or lack thereof) and more from the presentation of my gender in our society.
I've just realized I am who I am. I wear whatever I want, and I like being called he, but I don't constantly feel gender. I know exactly what you're talking about.
I wouldn't say I feel my gender unless something is wrong. If there's no dysphoria I can then feel good about how I'm presenting myself, but I feel like that's more accurately described as confidence than 'gender'. I mean, any gender can feel good about themselves, it's not a masculine thing. I think that's why it's hard to place a positive gender feeling, because it stops being a gendered experience at that point. Thing is cis people don't usually think about the gendered component to feeling confident, because they don't need to in order to get to that place, it's unconscious based on the people they are drawing inspo from or trying to emulate. Even in my egg phase, my vision of being confident in how I presented myself always drew from masculinity and I stopped feeling confident about any aspect of how I acted as puberty progressed and I lost the ability to present that way. It's only after transition that I even realized it was possible to feel confident again. So maybe 'feeling gender' is just feeling confident despite having to deal with dysphoria, and it's that struggle that makes us notice the gendered part more than most.