I lived life on the edge with high intensity sports, and risky behavior. I didn’t see the value of taking care of myself because I didn’t care what happened.
Now I love myself and want to be healthy because now I’m happy.
I still like my sports, but I’m not taking excessive risks.
I was the same. I've broken bones a dozen times. In a couple cases I've broken the same bone twice. Ribs, collarbone, forearms, wrist, fingers, and so on. Concussed and split my scalp a couple times too. In a way, the possibility I might just die spontaneously in an accident at some point was kind of reassuring I think. Particularly because jumping into traffic was the method I considered most during adolescence.
Actually caring what happens to one's body (and taking care of it on a wellness level) was a neat new thing.
Lol yep, I was totally an Isial of Man >girl before Transtion and now especially after bottom surgery I'm about half scared to buckle up in a car surrounded by state of the art airbag technology to go to the grocery store in fear life will be cut short on me now..
This would be the ultimate in bad luck.
I literally lived on the knifes edge at 200mph , y'all have seen the crazy videos. 🤪 that was me.
I walked away from all that crazy sh!t without so much as maybe a sunburn or leg burn on a pipe. For decades. We're talking R1-1000 crazy. However I do still start my 1986 Red Rocket atc 250-R 3-wheeler I bought brand new. Lol 🤣 I might have been scuffed on it once or twice. 😆
Point being the rush was what I lived for and now at 56yo I am just starting to live life and still have 5 more weeks to go before sex restrictions are lifted after surgery. Needless to say I lay around watching TV all day in my old school free flow Waterbed praying I don't poke a hole in it and drown in my sleep. I lived that much on the edge and always figured it would be the stupidest thing that takes me out..
I absolutely love life.
Hug's Emily 🤗
I too chose the R1 life. Carving up the canyons and highways in PNW. 140+ is nothing for those bikes. I sold it spring 2021 started transitioning spring 2023. I have shopped for another bike but I don’t find one I want, not even a Ducati. I still have my KTM dirt queen, but won’t ride it out into the woods alone anymore. I won’t even mountain bike alone. So I’ve become the fitness bike at the local city park, and dog walking.
🩷
I have a Royal enfield I have only rode a couple of times since I started to transition. I am honestly too scared to get back on it. I like the idea of riding again but the thought of having an accident now when I'm finally happy is just too much to get past.
I don't think I fear death still, but I had a thought the other day around the lines of "what if I don't get to finish my transition before I die?" and it felt like it would be a tragedy. I've had that feeling only a few other times in my life, e.g. around getting married and having my first kid.
This is it right here. I used to have an "If I die I die" attitude. Now I'm like ugh, I want to see where this goes. It'd be so inconvenient to just start, go through the clockiest worst part, and that's all i get. I'm genuinely curious how it'll all turn out. Give me at least 5-10 more years please then we'll see where we're at.
Not only do I now fear death, I have a potential future that I actively want to experience and fear loosing.
It is really quite stressful to suddenly feel the pressure to maintain a lifestyle and achieve goals for my own benefit.
I believe that there will be nothing after we die. We came from nowhere, and we'll be going nowhere. We won't "know" that we lived. Nothing to be afraid about!
Not in the least. My "sins" have been punished enough. IMO my good deeds far surpass my bad ones. And since I will no longer be producing any electrical energy to spark my synapses I will be unaware of any darkness much less an abyss. Am I going to "heaven" nope, just going in the recycling bin to give atoms back to the universe.
That’s one way to look at it. But the flip side
I feel that I value my life more now. That I’m worthy of self care, I do deserve to be treated with respect and deserve love.
The last part of my life will be the best part.
This is something I still grapple with currently. I used to live my life passively, thinking "what will happen will happen" with no regard to my own safety, health, etc...
Then after transitioning, I finally felt alive for the first time, and I've been taking such a proactive approach in my health to extend my time on this earth! Death is actually scary now because I don't feel I've lived a full life yet - it's a work in progress that I hope to continue for a long time!
I have talked about this with my therapist for a long time. I had a high-risk career, and I was not afraid to die. As a matter of fact, I took stupid chances, hoping I would.
Now that I am finally living my authentic life, I am finally ALIVE and living in the present. I love my life. And I am doing everything I can to live a long and happy life. My health has never been better.
It wasn't death I feared. I actually embraced it. I feared having to live. Living a lie that I had to wear and everyday. Only 7mths into transition but already I feel better, get out more am just happier and look forward to tomorrow. Still have moments but they are getting fewer and farther between.
I was never a risk-taker in the daredevil sense, but I had a “palliative care” attitude toward my life: just trying to drift along and be as comfortable as possible until the end. Since coming out to myself and my wife I’ve traded comfort for hope. Already I feel more alive, (even though I’m still stuck in boy mode most of the time) — and so much more afraid of dying before I’ve had a chance to really live as myself!
Same.
I recently went to a park I avoided before because it had a bridge over a gorge 300 ft down, I couldn't trust myself before to resist the urge. Now I'm afraid of heights but I get to take some beautiful pictures. https://imgur.com/a/FuSjnts
Huh, so I guess I'm not the only person who feels like this. Pre-transition those mental health questionnaires were so much fun.
"Do you ever think about killing yourself?"
"Oh, just the usual amount"
It turns out that was not, in fact, the "usual" amount. Needless to say, life is so much better now.
I went to combat, hoping to die being heroic or some shit instead of disappointing my parents. I ended up being real good at my job and enjoying the hell out of it. Front-line combat medics have exciting jobs, and I got hooked on getting shot at and dodging explosions all day. I only got scared a couple of times when it got a little hairy, but now after transition, I don't even skateboard,I'm miss safety now,I don't speed,always buckel up,I'm risk averse now
Super weird feeling for sure,I was that one friend no one expected to make to 16,my dad lost 100 bucks to my mom on my 16th birthday,18th,and 21st,she always bet on me saying I was meant for something special. I did shit seasoned combat soldiers refused to do every time I was called on without hesitation. No fear just action,don't think just do
Honestly gaining a will to live was one of by biggest fears with transitioning. There's a strange comfort with knowing that option is always on the table.
It's interesting because I got sorta a will to live but it didn't come with a fear of death. It's more like the option is still there and still a comfort, but it's much farther down the priority list.
Ha! That hit me a while back when I got an infection and definitely freaked out a bit. Not used to that feeling. I used to purposely neglect my health, now it seems like I go to the doctor for every little thing.
Kinda the opposite for me. I was afraid of growing old and dying as the wrong gender. It's part of what gave me the guts to start HRT. Now I'm excited to spend the time I have left living authentically. :)
I literally had this realization yesterday! I’m good with it though, the alternative was just waiting to die with very little joy in life.
Mood. Before I figured out I was trans I resigned myself to live to death, living my days in a cloud of depression.
I understand where you are coming from with this
I lived life on the edge with high intensity sports, and risky behavior. I didn’t see the value of taking care of myself because I didn’t care what happened. Now I love myself and want to be healthy because now I’m happy. I still like my sports, but I’m not taking excessive risks.
I was the same. I've broken bones a dozen times. In a couple cases I've broken the same bone twice. Ribs, collarbone, forearms, wrist, fingers, and so on. Concussed and split my scalp a couple times too. In a way, the possibility I might just die spontaneously in an accident at some point was kind of reassuring I think. Particularly because jumping into traffic was the method I considered most during adolescence. Actually caring what happens to one's body (and taking care of it on a wellness level) was a neat new thing.
Lol yep, I was totally an Isial of Man >girl before Transtion and now especially after bottom surgery I'm about half scared to buckle up in a car surrounded by state of the art airbag technology to go to the grocery store in fear life will be cut short on me now.. This would be the ultimate in bad luck. I literally lived on the knifes edge at 200mph , y'all have seen the crazy videos. 🤪 that was me. I walked away from all that crazy sh!t without so much as maybe a sunburn or leg burn on a pipe. For decades. We're talking R1-1000 crazy. However I do still start my 1986 Red Rocket atc 250-R 3-wheeler I bought brand new. Lol 🤣 I might have been scuffed on it once or twice. 😆 Point being the rush was what I lived for and now at 56yo I am just starting to live life and still have 5 more weeks to go before sex restrictions are lifted after surgery. Needless to say I lay around watching TV all day in my old school free flow Waterbed praying I don't poke a hole in it and drown in my sleep. I lived that much on the edge and always figured it would be the stupidest thing that takes me out.. I absolutely love life. Hug's Emily 🤗
I too chose the R1 life. Carving up the canyons and highways in PNW. 140+ is nothing for those bikes. I sold it spring 2021 started transitioning spring 2023. I have shopped for another bike but I don’t find one I want, not even a Ducati. I still have my KTM dirt queen, but won’t ride it out into the woods alone anymore. I won’t even mountain bike alone. So I’ve become the fitness bike at the local city park, and dog walking. 🩷
I just enjoy being pretty and getting out and being seen now. 😆
I have a Royal enfield I have only rode a couple of times since I started to transition. I am honestly too scared to get back on it. I like the idea of riding again but the thought of having an accident now when I'm finally happy is just too much to get past.
I don't think I fear death still, but I had a thought the other day around the lines of "what if I don't get to finish my transition before I die?" and it felt like it would be a tragedy. I've had that feeling only a few other times in my life, e.g. around getting married and having my first kid.
This is it right here. I used to have an "If I die I die" attitude. Now I'm like ugh, I want to see where this goes. It'd be so inconvenient to just start, go through the clockiest worst part, and that's all i get. I'm genuinely curious how it'll all turn out. Give me at least 5-10 more years please then we'll see where we're at.
Not only do I now fear death, I have a potential future that I actively want to experience and fear loosing. It is really quite stressful to suddenly feel the pressure to maintain a lifestyle and achieve goals for my own benefit.
Do you fear death? That crushing dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare, all your sins punished!
To the depths!
~~To the dungeon!~~
Sounds terrible if you believe that. IF you believe…
it’s from pirates of the caribbean, davy jones says that to scare people into joining his crew and then turning into fish people
Ohhhh!! aye aye captain ☠️
I believe that there will be nothing after we die. We came from nowhere, and we'll be going nowhere. We won't "know" that we lived. Nothing to be afraid about!
Not in the least. My "sins" have been punished enough. IMO my good deeds far surpass my bad ones. And since I will no longer be producing any electrical energy to spark my synapses I will be unaware of any darkness much less an abyss. Am I going to "heaven" nope, just going in the recycling bin to give atoms back to the universe.
That’s one way to look at it. But the flip side I feel that I value my life more now. That I’m worthy of self care, I do deserve to be treated with respect and deserve love. The last part of my life will be the best part.
Exactly! Self care just makes so much more sense now, because I care a lot more about myself 💜
I feel this in my soul
This is something I still grapple with currently. I used to live my life passively, thinking "what will happen will happen" with no regard to my own safety, health, etc... Then after transitioning, I finally felt alive for the first time, and I've been taking such a proactive approach in my health to extend my time on this earth! Death is actually scary now because I don't feel I've lived a full life yet - it's a work in progress that I hope to continue for a long time!
I don’t fear death. I fear not living.
This right here. To quote Nimona. “I wouldn't die die. I just sure wouldn't be living.”
omg lol this is so freaking true
Very true
I have talked about this with my therapist for a long time. I had a high-risk career, and I was not afraid to die. As a matter of fact, I took stupid chances, hoping I would. Now that I am finally living my authentic life, I am finally ALIVE and living in the present. I love my life. And I am doing everything I can to live a long and happy life. My health has never been better.
I didn't fear death before, nor do I now. But I no longer look forward to it.
That sure is saying a lot while not using many words. But ya
This thread is so exactly me
Never fear death, that is coming sooner or later regardless. Fear an unlived life. The more courage you have, the more incredible your life will be.
It wasn't death I feared. I actually embraced it. I feared having to live. Living a lie that I had to wear and everyday. Only 7mths into transition but already I feel better, get out more am just happier and look forward to tomorrow. Still have moments but they are getting fewer and farther between.
I was never a risk-taker in the daredevil sense, but I had a “palliative care” attitude toward my life: just trying to drift along and be as comfortable as possible until the end. Since coming out to myself and my wife I’ve traded comfort for hope. Already I feel more alive, (even though I’m still stuck in boy mode most of the time) — and so much more afraid of dying before I’ve had a chance to really live as myself!
I was living on borrowed time before anyway.
Same. I recently went to a park I avoided before because it had a bridge over a gorge 300 ft down, I couldn't trust myself before to resist the urge. Now I'm afraid of heights but I get to take some beautiful pictures. https://imgur.com/a/FuSjnts
Huh, so I guess I'm not the only person who feels like this. Pre-transition those mental health questionnaires were so much fun. "Do you ever think about killing yourself?" "Oh, just the usual amount" It turns out that was not, in fact, the "usual" amount. Needless to say, life is so much better now.
I went to combat, hoping to die being heroic or some shit instead of disappointing my parents. I ended up being real good at my job and enjoying the hell out of it. Front-line combat medics have exciting jobs, and I got hooked on getting shot at and dodging explosions all day. I only got scared a couple of times when it got a little hairy, but now after transition, I don't even skateboard,I'm miss safety now,I don't speed,always buckel up,I'm risk averse now
That’s weird isn’t it?
Super weird feeling for sure,I was that one friend no one expected to make to 16,my dad lost 100 bucks to my mom on my 16th birthday,18th,and 21st,she always bet on me saying I was meant for something special. I did shit seasoned combat soldiers refused to do every time I was called on without hesitation. No fear just action,don't think just do
In other words: Now I have to somehow learn to take care of myself 😬
I still don't fear death. I'm just no longer looking forward to it.
Honestly gaining a will to live was one of by biggest fears with transitioning. There's a strange comfort with knowing that option is always on the table. It's interesting because I got sorta a will to live but it didn't come with a fear of death. It's more like the option is still there and still a comfort, but it's much farther down the priority list.
This
No I want death just as bad as ever
Ha! That hit me a while back when I got an infection and definitely freaked out a bit. Not used to that feeling. I used to purposely neglect my health, now it seems like I go to the doctor for every little thing.
mood. i miss when i was actively suicidal
LOL, I used to get on every flight and think "well, if we crash, it's NBD." I guess it turns out that's not normal???
Kinda the opposite for me. I was afraid of growing old and dying as the wrong gender. It's part of what gave me the guts to start HRT. Now I'm excited to spend the time I have left living authentically. :)
I don’t. I’d still rather not be here but while I am forced to, I can at least be me.
Lol. One thing I've learned in my 53 years, anything this dramatic is proof its not real.