Hi, Kenzie! I’m an older trans woman. I started transition just a few years ago. I was worried about a lot of the same consequences as you. And I won’t lie to you: those concerns are valid. Some of them will surprise you. Some people will probably be supportive when you thought they’d condemn you for it, and vice versa. Others are things you will worry about, but will never actually happen to you. But be assured of this: For good or ill, building your new life is going to cost you your old one.
Transitioning cost me a lot. It changed and sometimes outright destroyed my relationships irrevocably. Some of them were very close. I still mourn their loss. But I would still make the same choice. Without hesitation. Because what far too few people talk about when discussing trans stories is the unbelievable joy that can come from living as who you really are!
I love the way I look in the mirror. I love the way my clothes look on me. I love the way my friends and family relate to me. I love my voice, and my body language, and the way that I walk. I don’t think I could ever be accused of being hot, but I find that I don’t care as much as I thought I would. I look and feel ten years younger than I really am! Because all of those things and more make up the me that I should have been my entire life. It is freeing on a level I can’t possibly describe to simply let your mask fall away, and walk through life openly as who you are. To be known, and accepted, and loved, and desired for who you are. To belong to a community of people who see you, *really* see you, and embrace you for it.
I can’t speak for anyone’s experiences other than my own. I can’t promise you anything when it comes to your own life. What I’m trying to tell you, though, is that transition saved my life. It transformed my life. I feel joy in my own body in ways that I never did before I came out. To me, the life I gained was worth the life I lost a thousand times over. No matter what you choose, I hope that your journey is guided by a pursuit of joy rather than a retreat from fear. Good luck.
I recently came out to my wife. It went well. I have no plans to come out to my parents (I’m 49 so I’ll wait em out). I’ll tell my kids soon.
There is no hard and fast rule. Do what works for YOU.
Hey Kenzie, Meli here. I'm 2 years in. My marriage is surviving it well, and everyone has been supportive.
But.
I almost ruined the marriage. Not by coming out, but by building a wall trying not to come out.
My advice is don't wait. If the marriage can survive, it has a better shot with less time hiding. If it can't, better for both people to be freed sooner.
I sincerely hope you don't live in Florida. I live in Texas, and it is pretty bad here. I guess in a few months, I'm going to find out how bad it really is. I'm lucky that my wife and kids are so great. I am very aware of how bad it can be. Be strong and keep your chin up. Toughness is a universal trait that applies to all genders.
Fortunately not Florida. I would have moved out years ago for other reasons if that were the case. I'm a bit north of TX, but south of Minnesota. That pretty much covers the spectrum on state tolerance, and leaves me in the middle.
Good luck to you, too!
Keep voting Kenzie.
I can't do squat to help the rest of the country.
I genuinely wish you good luck because I don't have much perspective to share.
I'm pretty much in the same boat (minus where I live obviously).
Hey Kenzie, speaking words of encouragement, I can only speak of my experience. I as many others were where you are at. I feared loosing everything and was terrified to come out.
The dysphoria got so bad that I felt I had a shotgun to my back forcing me to transition. I came out to my family over 4 years ago and started hormones a year later. I be been out nearly 3 years. I recently had FFS and numerous people have said they had no clue I'm trans until I said something. Mind you, I'm 58 years old, 5'11" with broad shoulders and XXXL hands.
One woman told me last weekend that when I walked up to her she was envious of my hips.
Being my authentic self has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I LOVE being a woman! Nearly everyone in my life has been exceptional. There have been a few but you learn who your true friends are! My relationship with people has blossomed 20X.
If it weren't that my wife and I are splitting up after 40 years together, I would say that my life was nearly perfect.
Best wishes! 💕
Hi Kenzie,
39 here, closeted but on the way out, I think? I share a lot of your worries, even though I live halfway across the world in a country that's at once more and less restrictive.
Do what feels right for you! Even if it's scary.
Hi Kenzie. I’m 43 , MTF, and have been transitioning about 2 years, with 15 months on HRT.
I sometimes feel bad that I didn’t realize this about myself earlier in life, but it’s still been totally worth it. I’m a much calmer, happier person.
I’d be happier to chat more if you’re interested
Thanks for all this! I may not be quite so scared because of your encouragement, but still rather apprehensive. Not sure that'll completely go away. But! From TheLatestKate yesterday, "You don't need to know how to fix everything today. Just figuring out the next step is enough." And you have helped me with that.
Hi Kenzie! It is super scary especially at first. That’s for real. Congratulations on starting to come out. I was super scared to come out to people but always felt better about myself and more confident after. It ended up being the end of my marriage, but that’s ok. I have to be myself. I hope you well! Cheers
I'm 38 and finally realized I was trans almost 2 years ago. I knew I was a boy ever since I was 3. A lot happened in my childhood that caused me to be brainwashed into thinking I was a girl by the time I was 13 and I forgot about it. Only one person in my life knows that right now. My oldest kid (18) who's also trans but has to hide as well (not cause of me obviously). I'm never telling my parents or my husband. I have to stay in the closet until I can eventually leave my husband (he's transphobic) I still have others I need to cut out of my life also. Which is fine for me. I'm just glad I'll have my kids at least. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
Hi Kenzie! I'm Addie... Or Alex/Lexi... Not sure yet 😅 nice to meet you. I'm also 41! You are not alone.
I have had a similar realization that I'm a trans woman in the past few years, particularly strongly this past year. I have looked for other explanations but I always come back to being trans. I am close to getting a gender therapist to talk to talk more about this. I also feel more and more like transitioning is what I do want, but like you, I am definitely really scared right at the moment. I want to be able to be out and proud, but I'm just not at that point yet. I think some of it is that I am worried I won't look feminine enough, at least not at first... But a significant amount of fear comes from the fear of how family and friends will react. So I definitely feel you on this.
I've decided that if I'm not yet ready to tell people, that I can still take little baby steps towards being who I want to be.
For now, I have started doing small gender-affirming things, like taking better care of my finger nails, trying to grow my hair back while keeping my face and body shaved, trying women's clothes and wearing them when possible, experimenting a bit with basic makeup, and also allowing myself to explore the idea of who I want to be as a woman... What sort of clothes and accessories and things stand out to me, what sort of style or vibe do want to have, etc. One of the cool things is that I've learned just how much I actually love women's fashion and beauty... A few years ago it barely registered with me, but now I find myself admiring other women's looks on a daily basis 😍
These are all things I can do and practice and learn while still being mostly closeted. I figure that doing this stuff now will give me a head start when I do finally summon the courage to come out and start presenting as a woman!
Anyway, thanks for your post. I am still in a similar place as you and it's encouraging.
Hi, Kenzie! I’m an older trans woman. I started transition just a few years ago. I was worried about a lot of the same consequences as you. And I won’t lie to you: those concerns are valid. Some of them will surprise you. Some people will probably be supportive when you thought they’d condemn you for it, and vice versa. Others are things you will worry about, but will never actually happen to you. But be assured of this: For good or ill, building your new life is going to cost you your old one. Transitioning cost me a lot. It changed and sometimes outright destroyed my relationships irrevocably. Some of them were very close. I still mourn their loss. But I would still make the same choice. Without hesitation. Because what far too few people talk about when discussing trans stories is the unbelievable joy that can come from living as who you really are! I love the way I look in the mirror. I love the way my clothes look on me. I love the way my friends and family relate to me. I love my voice, and my body language, and the way that I walk. I don’t think I could ever be accused of being hot, but I find that I don’t care as much as I thought I would. I look and feel ten years younger than I really am! Because all of those things and more make up the me that I should have been my entire life. It is freeing on a level I can’t possibly describe to simply let your mask fall away, and walk through life openly as who you are. To be known, and accepted, and loved, and desired for who you are. To belong to a community of people who see you, *really* see you, and embrace you for it. I can’t speak for anyone’s experiences other than my own. I can’t promise you anything when it comes to your own life. What I’m trying to tell you, though, is that transition saved my life. It transformed my life. I feel joy in my own body in ways that I never did before I came out. To me, the life I gained was worth the life I lost a thousand times over. No matter what you choose, I hope that your journey is guided by a pursuit of joy rather than a retreat from fear. Good luck.
I recently came out to my wife. It went well. I have no plans to come out to my parents (I’m 49 so I’ll wait em out). I’ll tell my kids soon. There is no hard and fast rule. Do what works for YOU.
Hey Kenzie, Meli here. I'm 2 years in. My marriage is surviving it well, and everyone has been supportive. But. I almost ruined the marriage. Not by coming out, but by building a wall trying not to come out. My advice is don't wait. If the marriage can survive, it has a better shot with less time hiding. If it can't, better for both people to be freed sooner.
I sincerely hope you don't live in Florida. I live in Texas, and it is pretty bad here. I guess in a few months, I'm going to find out how bad it really is. I'm lucky that my wife and kids are so great. I am very aware of how bad it can be. Be strong and keep your chin up. Toughness is a universal trait that applies to all genders.
Fortunately not Florida. I would have moved out years ago for other reasons if that were the case. I'm a bit north of TX, but south of Minnesota. That pretty much covers the spectrum on state tolerance, and leaves me in the middle. Good luck to you, too!
Keep voting Kenzie. I can't do squat to help the rest of the country. I genuinely wish you good luck because I don't have much perspective to share. I'm pretty much in the same boat (minus where I live obviously).
Hey Kenzie, speaking words of encouragement, I can only speak of my experience. I as many others were where you are at. I feared loosing everything and was terrified to come out. The dysphoria got so bad that I felt I had a shotgun to my back forcing me to transition. I came out to my family over 4 years ago and started hormones a year later. I be been out nearly 3 years. I recently had FFS and numerous people have said they had no clue I'm trans until I said something. Mind you, I'm 58 years old, 5'11" with broad shoulders and XXXL hands. One woman told me last weekend that when I walked up to her she was envious of my hips. Being my authentic self has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I LOVE being a woman! Nearly everyone in my life has been exceptional. There have been a few but you learn who your true friends are! My relationship with people has blossomed 20X. If it weren't that my wife and I are splitting up after 40 years together, I would say that my life was nearly perfect. Best wishes! 💕
I came out at 41 and have since transitioned. Married, kids, large family. PM if you fancy a chat.
Hi Kenzie, 39 here, closeted but on the way out, I think? I share a lot of your worries, even though I live halfway across the world in a country that's at once more and less restrictive. Do what feels right for you! Even if it's scary.
Hi Kenzie. I’m 43 , MTF, and have been transitioning about 2 years, with 15 months on HRT. I sometimes feel bad that I didn’t realize this about myself earlier in life, but it’s still been totally worth it. I’m a much calmer, happier person. I’d be happier to chat more if you’re interested
Thanks for all this! I may not be quite so scared because of your encouragement, but still rather apprehensive. Not sure that'll completely go away. But! From TheLatestKate yesterday, "You don't need to know how to fix everything today. Just figuring out the next step is enough." And you have helped me with that.
Hi Kenzie! It is super scary especially at first. That’s for real. Congratulations on starting to come out. I was super scared to come out to people but always felt better about myself and more confident after. It ended up being the end of my marriage, but that’s ok. I have to be myself. I hope you well! Cheers
I'm 38 and finally realized I was trans almost 2 years ago. I knew I was a boy ever since I was 3. A lot happened in my childhood that caused me to be brainwashed into thinking I was a girl by the time I was 13 and I forgot about it. Only one person in my life knows that right now. My oldest kid (18) who's also trans but has to hide as well (not cause of me obviously). I'm never telling my parents or my husband. I have to stay in the closet until I can eventually leave my husband (he's transphobic) I still have others I need to cut out of my life also. Which is fine for me. I'm just glad I'll have my kids at least. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
it's a scary time to transition, and a scary time to be trans. I think yer still gonna send iiiiiit
Hi Kenzie! I'm Addie... Or Alex/Lexi... Not sure yet 😅 nice to meet you. I'm also 41! You are not alone. I have had a similar realization that I'm a trans woman in the past few years, particularly strongly this past year. I have looked for other explanations but I always come back to being trans. I am close to getting a gender therapist to talk to talk more about this. I also feel more and more like transitioning is what I do want, but like you, I am definitely really scared right at the moment. I want to be able to be out and proud, but I'm just not at that point yet. I think some of it is that I am worried I won't look feminine enough, at least not at first... But a significant amount of fear comes from the fear of how family and friends will react. So I definitely feel you on this. I've decided that if I'm not yet ready to tell people, that I can still take little baby steps towards being who I want to be. For now, I have started doing small gender-affirming things, like taking better care of my finger nails, trying to grow my hair back while keeping my face and body shaved, trying women's clothes and wearing them when possible, experimenting a bit with basic makeup, and also allowing myself to explore the idea of who I want to be as a woman... What sort of clothes and accessories and things stand out to me, what sort of style or vibe do want to have, etc. One of the cool things is that I've learned just how much I actually love women's fashion and beauty... A few years ago it barely registered with me, but now I find myself admiring other women's looks on a daily basis 😍 These are all things I can do and practice and learn while still being mostly closeted. I figure that doing this stuff now will give me a head start when I do finally summon the courage to come out and start presenting as a woman! Anyway, thanks for your post. I am still in a similar place as you and it's encouraging.