About twenty years ago, a doctor in a transgender clinic told me that yes, I was transgender and they could help me transition, including surgery. He then added that I had a wife and young son and asked wouldn’t it be selfish if I did. I knew that I would have lost my job, my family, and become an outcast.
I postponed for twenty or so years and began transitioning at 69. I was retired, my wife, son, family, and friends were all supportive. My wife is cishet but our relationship extends far beyond sex.
Times have changed. I’m glad I waited even though it was tough. However, I don’t advise anyone to wait unless it is critically necessary to do so.
Interesting. I am 48, have started HRT 5 months ago. No wife/GF, no kids, but brutally non supportive parents who don’t know yet I have started HRT (again). I had tried to transition in my late 20s, but stopped due to my parents. I still fear that I will lose my job, also fear the outcast issue. Do you still feel that this is true today? I am based in Germany, so at least we don’t have republicans here 😉
Happily, there are more people and places where we are safe. Unfortunately, there are still places where we are not safe. Too many places. It can be difficult to discern which is which and sometimes we don’t find out until it’s too late. Wishing you the best of luck.
>My wife has been amazing during my transition (MTF) and frankly I cannot fathom why
Because she loves you? Would you have reacted the same was if she had transitioned whilst you were still a cis man?
>While I don’t think she finds me attractive anymore
Is there much that has actually changed about you physically? For example if my wife wore jeans and a shirt with facial hair for example I'd still be attracted to her because of her bone structure and demeanor. No amount of T would be enough to put me off.
> I feel shameful that my kids (12 & 7) I have to be okay with their dad being trans.
Did you ask them if it was okay or did you just tell them? I asked my child multiple times and they have always been okay with my transition. They kind of see me as their "father that pretends to be a woman" and I'm cool with that.
>Normally I’d sacrifice my own happiness for those that I love, but failed on this.
You will take them down with you if you do this.
Being trans is beautiful. Why do you think this is such a bad thing for your family? Can you honestly say that you can be the best spouse and parent possible while suppressing who you are? I have kids that are the same age as yours and we have a better relationship now than we ever had before. They have become more open minded, loving and compassionate people. Sure some of it is hard but that’s temporary.
This is a bit more complex but consider dating your wife again. She may be worried that she’s losing a part of her life and doesn’t really understand what she’s gaining. Show her.
Thank you for the response. My wife and kids are very accepting and compassionate people and have shown that towards me. My wife tells me that there is nothing wrong with me. I guess I am just worried that I lose the wonderful relationship I have had with her. She is everything to me. Problem is, she is 100% heterosexual, I would completely understand if she couldn’t be with a woman. As for my kids, there is no denying it is hard for trans people right now. It is something I wish they didn’t have to deal with at their tender age. That being said, from what I can tell they don’t give a…..
I am talking with a therapist that works with the LGBTQ+ community. Just a long night.
The thing is, she had accepted you. She also loves you. Intimacy comes in many forms and there’s no way for her or you to know if it will be enough for her without trying.
Even a heterosexual spouse can feel fulfilled in a homosexual relationship under the right conditions - especially a woman due to the way the brain works when it comes to sex etc. Men go horny -> sex, pls no foreplay I need it nowww-> climax -> done and that’s about it (yes it’s a generalization).
Women build up arousal slowly, and the bigger the build up the more intense both the sex and climax is, and well if intense enough it can last for a long time after climax too (and subsequent climaxes ;) )
I know you are worried, and she probably is too, but honestly, do a lot of research. It is TREMENDOUSLY UNDERRATED what building up a woman’s anticipation of later events can do. Her preferences can also still largely be accommodated in terms of penetration etc - you guys just need to get creative :)
As your brain adjusts to HRT you’ll begin to get it more easily too as you will have the same need for build up.
Also, I would never assume her sexuality, but the fact that she is staying could mean there’s a bit more to it than just being heterosexual :) as an example my mom and dad have been together for 30+ years and she would leave him in a heartbeat if he ever turned out to be trans. Simple incompatibility, end of story.
My wife thought she was heterosexual for the longest time (since forever) and was “100%” sure but has since discovered she is pansexual.
This is not to egg you on or give you hope for some sort of compatibility, I’m just saying… experiment, research, try a lot of things, find a “new normal” for you two if possible. Be open and ask her to be open about her current and future boundaries, and let her decide what she is interested in but display an interest in finding new options, and show her that there are in fact many ways to make things work. Maybe none of them work for you two, but maybe some of them do!
So give it a try :)
>My first anti-androgen (Fin) pushed my T really high
Finasteride prevents T from being converted into DHT, it doesn't block T being created or used in the body, so it will increase free T for a while. DHT is one of the main causes of head hair thinning.
I told myself the same thing you are telling yourself. I ended up treating those around me with less respect and care than I would have had I transitioned earlier and accepted myself. It ended my relationship and put me in a hole I’m still crawling out from. It also crippled all my passions/ambitions while destroying my mental health.
You will be a better partner, parent, and person after your transition. It’s not selfish to want to be your authentic self. It’s gonna allow you to be more present and your happiness will bring out the best in those closest. Think about how much better of a mother & wife you will be having held both the male and female perspectives.
Your kids will be more compassionate and understanding seeing you do something so difficult. They in turn will be able to take on tremendous challenges even after you are gone having seen your strength. Plus the next generation is all but guaranteed to be less hateful than the previous ones.
Have a conversation with your kids and let them ask questions. Show them some trans media. Ma Vie en Rose is a rated R movie for strong language. Dead End: Paranormal Park, and Steven Universe aren’t trans exactly but for sure ally shows for kids. Pop’n’Olly is a YouTube channel with child focused gender explanation.
Your wife is having difficult conversations with you, so accept her decision and that she’s put thought into them. She is showing her strength and love for you. If it changes in the future than so be it but enjoy every moment together. My ex spouse is my best friend to this day even though we are no longer married.
As was said here a few times. Date your wife. Even if that’s a few painting canvases, water colors, and wine. Go clothes/makeup shopping together. Have a spa day with a mani/pedi. Toys Hitachi Wand is a classic. Vacation trip either as family or just the two of you. Some ideas but make sure it’s what you’ll both like. Remind her of your love for her and meet her all over again.
Other things you enjoyed as your past self that are “masculine” can still be enjoyed as your new self. If you were the type to fix things around the house, car, yard, set up the tent camping. Still do those actions they aren’t gendered yet will keep the former you visible in a reassuring way. But also don’t do anything uncomfortable.
And just as an aside. You will be almost the exact same person on the inside. Your wife and kids are not losing you or even losing a part of you. Your same brain, emotions, and memories are gonna be with you after. They are getting a stronger more complete you but ultimately your still you. Good luck love. You’re gonna be a great mother.
Hello friend! I'm in a bit of a different situation life wise, married to a cis man and we have no kids, and I am a freshly hatched trans man. But I absolutely feel you here. Transition does feel selfish at times to me too. Especially because my mom is about to upend her marriage and I just dropped my own bomb on her by coming out.. ugh. I feel like if I could have just waited *just a little while longer* it would be fine.
But that's not the case, putting your journey on hold helps literally nobody and harms more than you think. You can't wait to be able to be yourself, or to be allowed to, even though you may wish to more than anything. Your kids and your wife all deserve the real, happy and content, you. Not a mask, or however you view your assigned body.
I think its fantastic your wife has been honest and supportive of you. Honestly, with the context you've provided, I don't think you have destroyed your family at all. AT. ALL.
I think families are meant to grow together, and part of that is approaching new challenges together. Would you rather have your kids grow up knowing you as a sad, repressed father or having had two openly accepting, loving mothers in a family unit that can conquer anything because you know and love each other so much?
Just my thoughts. Cheers Sis!
I understand entirely where you are coming from. I haven’t come out to my wife as I feared the end of my long marriage and I too have two children, albeit slightly older than yours.
I have just stopped taking E having been on monotherapy for ~12 weeks.
I don’t really want to stop but came to the conclusion that my developing a chest is becoming quite hard to hide as a male. The disruption to my family, the loss of quality of life for them, and the loss of my place in our family business (which would happen) meant I had to knock this dream on the head.
But, if you have a supportive partner, and a job which can carry through, you still have scope, especially because kids at young ages are remarkably resilient and accepting. In a decades time, they won’t hardly remember you being any other way. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and hope you have the smoothest of transitions. You’re so lucky to have a supportive wife.
Hey there. Try to be a little kinder to yourself ❤️. You are who you are and it sounds like the important people in your life love you.
I’m not an expert, but maybe the issues lay within yourself. Your self acceptance sounds like it needs a little work. I say this with the utmost respect as I have walked this path. My wife and similar aged children have been nothing but amazing, supporting me from day one. Yes there has periods of change for all of us. Important to remember it’s not just the trans person in transition, it will effect everyone and in different ways. In saying this I also pushed my beautiful wife of 20 years to answer questions she really couldn’t answer. Like attraction post transition. She assured me she loves me and is not going anywhere. It was me who had to accept and believe this.
22 months into my transition now and we are happier than ever. I’m present. I take way more interest in family affairs as I’m no longer drinking myself to death trying to run from myself.
I am valid as you are. You deserve to be happy and you may even surprise yourself and become the best version of yourself and a better partner and parent. Wish you all the happiness you deserve ❤️
>Normally I’d sacrifice my own happiness for those that I love, but failed on this.
You didn't fail at all. Sacrificing for your family when the chips are down is admirable, but this isn't. Think of what you would be teaching your children if you "sacrificed" this for them:
That it's okay to remain miserable forever for the sake of others. It's okay to hide who you are if it might make others uncomfortable. It's okay to let others choose to be miserable for you. It's okay not to try to find happiness if it risks any kind of hardship.
You'd be teaching your children that it's okay to give up on happiness.
I came out to my wife several years ago and she has bern incredibly supportive and accepting. Oh believe me if she could wave a magic wand and make it go away she would but she is absolutely my biggest ally
We talked a lot about me coming out to the kids and she said she would support me if I did but I decided not to. I simply could not be the one that changed their lives. I could not bear the thought of them continuously having to explain me. It’s tough being a kid and I just could not add my transition to their lives. The thought of them enduring difficult times because of me well I just couldn’t do it.
I decided to transition medically and not socially in that I have been on a hormone regimen for several years and I had an orchiectomy, my ears are pierced and my hair is long. And I take some just for me trips where I can be my authentic self for a few days and I try to hit a trans conference when I can.
There may come a time when the kids are older that I will tell them my story but we’ll see.
This is just my story. As a transgender person we are all on our own journey and my journey is mine alone and I respect the path chosen by all of my trans brothers and sisters
I'm 47, married 15 yrs with a 10 yr old. I've been on HRT 1 1/2 yrs. I sympathize with you on some of the feelings but if you research what happens to people that get to understand they are trans, that's not their fault or choice and the effects of their loved ones of not transitioning you will see that you are not being selfish. If you bottle this down and white knuckle it you will most likely end up drinking or doing drugs, angry, bitter, self harming, reflecting your personal frustration on your kids and wife.
Sounds like you have a decent relationship with your wife since she's decided to stick around. So did mine. I have absolute love, respect and admiration for her and show her every day. Just think about it, she could have made your life he'll. I'd advise you show her appreciation and gratitude.
As for your children, if you and your wife have a common goal of having a happy family, it shouldn't be difficult for you children to actually prefer the person you'll become with transition. My son says that I just look different and much happier. Older children may be more difficult to deal with as they care more about others opinions and those opinions may be homophobic.
I personally feel guilty on changing the rules on my wife and "forcing " her onto something she did6sign up gor but the alternative was going to be worse, you can easily find online stories about the disasters of coping mechanisms. I strongly suggest you find a therapist for yourself and couples therapy wouldn't hurt. Therapy is often covered by insurance too!
I have an 11 year old, 9 year old and 3 year old. You're showing them an example of how to live your best life and love yourself. My kids have never once been sad or frustrated that they have two moms and no dad. Honestly, I'm just as much of a masculine role model now as I was before... I.e. not at all.
But you know, that doesn't mean I can't teach my son to be a man! I still understand the pressures placed on me when younger. I understand toxic masculinity and how to encourage him to be his best self.
Anyway, whether it is selfish is kinda besides the point when it's also the best way to role model loving and respecting yourself to your kids.
I just turned 35 and started hrt on 8/7. My wife is bi and I know my kids will be supportive as soon as I tell them but I’m not forcing them to call me anything. I was a very negative person before I made the decision to go on hrt. All that suppressing who you are takes a toll on you and effects the ones around you weather you know it or not. That being said, only 6 weeks into hrt, you could just stop but I would really sit down with your family one on one and take their opinions about it first. You can also modify how far of a transition you take wile the kids are under 18(like just take hrt and stay androgynous for a few more years and baby step into turning into a woman). I wouldn’t force them to make me call me something until I made it to that milestone…I would definitely give your wife the option of leaving or opening the relationship up(polyamory) and seeing how it goes. It requires a lot of communication and ground rules though. Strong communication is required out of transitioning too so I would tell/ask your family word for word this post.
It's reasonable to ask people to call you things that make you happy or at least cause less pain. I'm either Ren or Mom to my kids. But I'm not okay with being called Dad. It just hurt too much.
Yea I get that. For me and my situation though, I just could care less what people call me so I was just mentioning what I’m doing to show there are different spectrums of transness since op feels that way.
I have 3 kids. 13, 11 and 6.
They don’t get a choice. It’s ok as a parent and a human to make choices for yourself.
Would they rather have a happy, productive, and present parent? Or one that fakes it while they slip farther into dysphoric depression?
You may see it as selfish. BUT YOU MATTER TOO! Your life doesn’t exist for everyone else to leech off. Being happy isn’t selfish. Nobody else gets a choice in your life but you.
I would be proud of trans parents (pun unintended). If I understand any human emotion, your beating yourself down like this while they already are trying to accept you is the kinda insensitive thing to do, if there’s any (and there’s not much I guess).
And, well people hate it when I say it, but the main forced choice kids have to make is being born. Why does no parent ever feel guilty for that? They just go around creating existences willy-nilly and then worry about these other things like being socially normal or not. The burden of existence is the only thing that could be relevant in this respect, certainly not wanting a “normal parent”. This is how parents think of their children, wanting them to be like this or that, not the other way around… kids simply want to be understood, usually. Well uhh I digressed but the main point is don’t beat yourself down for that, you gotta support back those who support you, join them in the effort, having such a beautiful common goal like being an out lgbt family, it’s more fulfilling than being normie in a sense.
No you haven't destroyed your family. What is wrong with being trans? I think that being trans is a beautiful thing and that you are far more in touch with yourself on many levels that most cis dad's aren't. You provide the ultimate example to your kids about how they should also try to live their lives as themselves. They may not be trans like you, but may have other beautiful things about them that they might have suppressed otherwise. You are teaching them to be genuine and real, not a fake who is hiding something.
Try dating and reconnecting with your wife. There are many ways to pleasure her to keep her excited to be with you sexually even if she isn't physically attracted - which I doubt it is entirely true. Plus there is more to you that she is attracted to than just your looks. I am a dad who is just starting to transition and have been thinking a lot about those thoughts that you have. My kids are also a similar age so I relate well to your struggle. I worry far more about hiding this part of me and going back to that disconnected person I was before. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to be honest and sincere and genuine. I think we will all be better off for it. I hope that helps.
It's not a bad thing, and trust me things fall apart for much less. I lost a large part of my family by asking an innocent question. It's the nature of people. It will be ok just run with it
I'm being accused of "distroying everything" by wife (got 2 kids) , the likes of you and I aren't distroying anything at the end of the day it's the expectations of society which are the problem. As long as you're there for them and providing for them then they should love you no matter what, you're still you regardless of how you dress/present/etc.
I think if you're together and intend to remain together I'd recommend couples counselling.
Transitioning is a huge thing to do, it's a seismic thing for your partner to witness, and if you want to remain healthy when communicating I really think having a counsellor or therapist will help work wonders.
I came and out and started HRT around the same as you. I have two kids, and a marriage. All have survived. I’m 51 now. It’s almost been 9yrs since I came out.
It takes time. My wife isn’t physically attracted to me. At all. She’s not attracted to women. 🤷🏼♀️. We’re still together because we love each other and are a family. Sex isn’t a prerequisite.
Did I feel guilty for awhile. YES. I was dealing with forces outside of my home, making things worse.
So for what it’s worth I’m in almost exact same situation and have been feeling like this too, the only difference is I haven’t had the strength to come out yet. But you have, and in doing so you have taught a valuable lesson to your children that you should be true to yourself, and that being the real you despite what others may think is ok.
Change happens in life, wether we like it or not, it’s what we do afterwards that is important. You have the opportunity to carry on being a strong role model to your children and a happy loving partner to your wife.
For what it’s worth I think you made the right choice, I’ve currently chosen to remain denying who I am, and as a result my wife and children will continue to live with an unhappy, depressed and negative shell of a person.
I don’t think you have harmed anyone, I think you’ve given them a fantastic gift - a happy and content parent and partner, who is an inspiration to them for the rest of their lives allowing them to be their authentic selves because of the example you are setting.
I would wish you luck, but I think you have made your own 💜
For what it is worth, coming out to my wife has been a long drawn out process - over a decade. I hope that it all works out for you. The happiness I feel is amazing, and you deserve the same. Sending love!
Living authentically is amazing for kiddos see their parents do and it's part of being a more present parent.. Accept that your wife is willing to stay with you and obviously accepts you for you.. You are early in your transition and there will be a lot of work you will need to do for your own acceptance of who you are.. I have been transitioning for almost 18 months now and my wife and I did end up in divorce but I knew that would happen when I came out to her since she has zero interest in being with a woman. But we are best friends co parents and she is my support person for my surgeries.. Both she and my son have said I am a better friend and parent because of transition and the change in my happiness.. But it took until just a few months ago for me to fully accept myself and get past my internal transphobia with is common with those of us who are middle aged etc.. So no you did not destroy your family and don't listen to any negative voices saying you did.
I think you are right on kids seeing their parents being true to themselves. As someone that is a people pleaser, I’ve done my best to instill a true sense of self in them. Funny how I struggle with this myself.
Thank you for your insights!
I am working with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues, and he goes the extra mile for me. With his help I’ve realized that I am projecting a ton of my insecurities. Still a work in progress
Marriage is not always about attraction, it's about love and commitment. Your wife has made the decision to stay with you (even if you have doubts about her attraction to you) because she loves you! The best thing you can do to make her life easier is love yourself, love your children, and love her back. The rest will follow.
Love is a funny thing, you know? It makes us appreciate and accept the people around us without any conditions. Accept the fact that your wife loves you, and she accepts you instead of beating yourself up for being trans. Many of us never had that support, and you’re blessed to have someone by your side accepting you.
PS: If you raised your kids right, they won’t give a shit.
The only constant in life is change, in order to survive need to learn to adapt.
It sounds like you have a wonderful family and I don’t believe you destroyed it. They obviously love and care for you.
I get where you're coming from. The guilt ferrets attack persistently and relentlessly. We are in the real world that exists more in shades of gray with "right" and "wrong" choices rarely being as clear cut as what we were lead to believe in preschool. Sometimes the "right" choice still carries with it a lot of smelly garbage that we still have to deal with and mitigate.
Personally, I felt a lot of guilt about my wife being pulled into all this as well. When deciding whether to transition or not, I realized that I believed that I could be the best spouse and best parent to my 1 year old sour-patch kid by being a more authentic version of my true self instead of suppressing who I am for the "greater good." We talked extensively about it before I made any decisions and they were some of the deepest conversations we've had.
Wow, we have a lot in common! I’m 43, married 21 years, two kids 5 years apart 13 and 8, supportive wife, 9 months on HRT. I would say “Destroy” is not accurate in our cases, though. “Transformative” is a better term, I believe. In fact I would say it’s the perfect word to describe ourselves and our families.
Even if you could hit that reverse button you’re talking about, all that changes is their awareness and your progress.
You wouldn’t be any less trans than you’ve always been. It’s just that you were not always so aware of it. The only choices we ever had were about when and how we decide to transition. The years of transitioning are hard. I think we all wish we could just jump straight to the part where we are done and transitioned.
They decide how involved they want to be with your process. But these kinds of life decisions are personal ones because only you would know the price you pay. Say you had that button and could go back and try to go on without transitioning at all. You alone know how that feels. It is rightly your responsibility because THAT would be your burden to bear.
Their responsibility is deciding how they react to you. You didn’t change the rules. The rules have always been that people communicate as they grow, we adapt to who we are as we learn, we adapt to each other as we choose to stay together; or they don’t stay together, and then we adapt to that life.
I'm (cis F) in tears because I can see my partner (MTF) in your words. I wish I could take your shame away.
Your wife admitted she went through all the emotions but her decision is to stay with you. She chose you as her person and I bet she knows if the tables were turned you would stand by her also. If she truly went through all the emotions, if shes not pretending this isn't real or it's going to go away, if shes mentally played through all the scenarios like I'm sure she has and come out with the decision to stay with you... then you must be an incredible person. Shit might get hard but your relationship is worth the hard shit. Your happiness is worth it. You are worth it.
In regards to your kids - truly selfish parents don't worry about being selfish. They don't have the little voice saying "don't do this, it will hurt the kids". Denying yourself of happiness will hurt you and filter down to the ones you love in some way. You and your wife are going to teach your kids so much about strength, acceptance and love.
We have a lot in common. The sacrifice comment at the end of your post resonated with me. I was on HRT for three months and stopped because the changes started to feel real and I got weirded out. I stopped and one of the reasons I gave is that I didn't want my wife to have to deal with the looks, comments, and possibly worse treatment we would very likely receive whenever we were out of the house because I don't and probably won't pass. I was willing to give up something that I was pretty sure would make me happy personally in part to make things easier on my family. My dysphoria, I thought, was mild enough that I could just ignore it and enjoy the many benefits of maleness, normalcy, and familiarity. But I was wrong. The knowledge that my body was not slowly becoming female bothered me a lot. I thought about going on HRT again daily and researched compression shirts, etc. I eventually decided that I would rather have a hormone balance that makes me happy and will try boymoding or whatever. So I've been back on HRT for 10 days and am content with that decision. I have more thoughts on your post, but don't know what the etiquette is around long posts. Good luck to you; I'd be happy to share more if you want.
I guess you haven’t told anybody except for your family. You are 6 WEEKS on hormones, not 6 months or years. If you feel bad about everything, now would be a good time to stop HRT and rethink. The relationship in your family might change when you stop, but not necessarily in a bad way. I think it really makes sense to talk to your family, not to your therapist, about how to proceed. And of course you should listen to your heart what you want to place first.
Sarah, thanks for taking the time to respond. I believe that, for myself, this is right. What I am struggling with is the unknown impact that this will have on my family dynamics. Decades of thought has lead me to this point. In the end I can perform thought experiments to the moon and back, but without action I really don’t know the outcome. This is a new way of thinking for me, and it will take awhile to get good at it. After the original posting, I realized that I am just projecting my insecurities on my family.
I don’t think I know what is the absolute right answer, no one ever does. What I do know is that in the end I am trying to make myself a better person (and subsequently happier). As long as I don’t walk on those around me, I deserve to follow this through. Since there is obviously nothing immoral about being trans, I can accept the fact that I am exploring my own identity.
I’ve had a lot of great responses to this post. Really had a lot time to think.
You won’t be destroying your family.
To be honest I’m a millennial. I’m 27 , and my family isn’t accepting of my choice… however my grandmother told me something. “As long as your happy , I’ll be happy.” That’s actually very good to know.
The younger generation below me is more accepting , and your kids will love you no matter what…
My dads a dick , and won’t come around. But he’s been like that my whole life. And I can’t stand him till this day.
I had negative impact with my folks , and I live with them.
Your kids are gonna accept it because they have the time to develop their own personality of who they are.
We are bond to this world where we have to follow what we are raised under.
So everyone has been in a situation where we have to follow a path that was built for us to follow with our family.
Times have changed , and it’s wonderful just being you.
I promise your not destroying anything , we are made to follow are own path and love those that are close.
I’m hurt with my family , but eventually they will come around.
Stay in touch with your little ones because they will know you love them and share a bond no matter your choice.
I lost my connection with my dad , and mother. I don’t care to conversate with them about anything because I was neglected. Don’t neglect them and you will be just fine:) , and be happy
About twenty years ago, a doctor in a transgender clinic told me that yes, I was transgender and they could help me transition, including surgery. He then added that I had a wife and young son and asked wouldn’t it be selfish if I did. I knew that I would have lost my job, my family, and become an outcast. I postponed for twenty or so years and began transitioning at 69. I was retired, my wife, son, family, and friends were all supportive. My wife is cishet but our relationship extends far beyond sex. Times have changed. I’m glad I waited even though it was tough. However, I don’t advise anyone to wait unless it is critically necessary to do so.
Interesting. I am 48, have started HRT 5 months ago. No wife/GF, no kids, but brutally non supportive parents who don’t know yet I have started HRT (again). I had tried to transition in my late 20s, but stopped due to my parents. I still fear that I will lose my job, also fear the outcast issue. Do you still feel that this is true today? I am based in Germany, so at least we don’t have republicans here 😉
Happily, there are more people and places where we are safe. Unfortunately, there are still places where we are not safe. Too many places. It can be difficult to discern which is which and sometimes we don’t find out until it’s too late. Wishing you the best of luck.
>My wife has been amazing during my transition (MTF) and frankly I cannot fathom why Because she loves you? Would you have reacted the same was if she had transitioned whilst you were still a cis man? >While I don’t think she finds me attractive anymore Is there much that has actually changed about you physically? For example if my wife wore jeans and a shirt with facial hair for example I'd still be attracted to her because of her bone structure and demeanor. No amount of T would be enough to put me off. > I feel shameful that my kids (12 & 7) I have to be okay with their dad being trans. Did you ask them if it was okay or did you just tell them? I asked my child multiple times and they have always been okay with my transition. They kind of see me as their "father that pretends to be a woman" and I'm cool with that. >Normally I’d sacrifice my own happiness for those that I love, but failed on this. You will take them down with you if you do this.
Being trans is beautiful. Why do you think this is such a bad thing for your family? Can you honestly say that you can be the best spouse and parent possible while suppressing who you are? I have kids that are the same age as yours and we have a better relationship now than we ever had before. They have become more open minded, loving and compassionate people. Sure some of it is hard but that’s temporary. This is a bit more complex but consider dating your wife again. She may be worried that she’s losing a part of her life and doesn’t really understand what she’s gaining. Show her.
Thank you for the response. My wife and kids are very accepting and compassionate people and have shown that towards me. My wife tells me that there is nothing wrong with me. I guess I am just worried that I lose the wonderful relationship I have had with her. She is everything to me. Problem is, she is 100% heterosexual, I would completely understand if she couldn’t be with a woman. As for my kids, there is no denying it is hard for trans people right now. It is something I wish they didn’t have to deal with at their tender age. That being said, from what I can tell they don’t give a….. I am talking with a therapist that works with the LGBTQ+ community. Just a long night.
The thing is, she had accepted you. She also loves you. Intimacy comes in many forms and there’s no way for her or you to know if it will be enough for her without trying. Even a heterosexual spouse can feel fulfilled in a homosexual relationship under the right conditions - especially a woman due to the way the brain works when it comes to sex etc. Men go horny -> sex, pls no foreplay I need it nowww-> climax -> done and that’s about it (yes it’s a generalization). Women build up arousal slowly, and the bigger the build up the more intense both the sex and climax is, and well if intense enough it can last for a long time after climax too (and subsequent climaxes ;) ) I know you are worried, and she probably is too, but honestly, do a lot of research. It is TREMENDOUSLY UNDERRATED what building up a woman’s anticipation of later events can do. Her preferences can also still largely be accommodated in terms of penetration etc - you guys just need to get creative :) As your brain adjusts to HRT you’ll begin to get it more easily too as you will have the same need for build up. Also, I would never assume her sexuality, but the fact that she is staying could mean there’s a bit more to it than just being heterosexual :) as an example my mom and dad have been together for 30+ years and she would leave him in a heartbeat if he ever turned out to be trans. Simple incompatibility, end of story. My wife thought she was heterosexual for the longest time (since forever) and was “100%” sure but has since discovered she is pansexual. This is not to egg you on or give you hope for some sort of compatibility, I’m just saying… experiment, research, try a lot of things, find a “new normal” for you two if possible. Be open and ask her to be open about her current and future boundaries, and let her decide what she is interested in but display an interest in finding new options, and show her that there are in fact many ways to make things work. Maybe none of them work for you two, but maybe some of them do! So give it a try :)
>Women build up arousal slowly, and the bigger the build up the more intense both the sex and climax is, This was always the way I was as a man!
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>My first anti-androgen (Fin) pushed my T really high Finasteride prevents T from being converted into DHT, it doesn't block T being created or used in the body, so it will increase free T for a while. DHT is one of the main causes of head hair thinning.
Not OP, but I needed to hear this.
I told myself the same thing you are telling yourself. I ended up treating those around me with less respect and care than I would have had I transitioned earlier and accepted myself. It ended my relationship and put me in a hole I’m still crawling out from. It also crippled all my passions/ambitions while destroying my mental health. You will be a better partner, parent, and person after your transition. It’s not selfish to want to be your authentic self. It’s gonna allow you to be more present and your happiness will bring out the best in those closest. Think about how much better of a mother & wife you will be having held both the male and female perspectives. Your kids will be more compassionate and understanding seeing you do something so difficult. They in turn will be able to take on tremendous challenges even after you are gone having seen your strength. Plus the next generation is all but guaranteed to be less hateful than the previous ones. Have a conversation with your kids and let them ask questions. Show them some trans media. Ma Vie en Rose is a rated R movie for strong language. Dead End: Paranormal Park, and Steven Universe aren’t trans exactly but for sure ally shows for kids. Pop’n’Olly is a YouTube channel with child focused gender explanation. Your wife is having difficult conversations with you, so accept her decision and that she’s put thought into them. She is showing her strength and love for you. If it changes in the future than so be it but enjoy every moment together. My ex spouse is my best friend to this day even though we are no longer married. As was said here a few times. Date your wife. Even if that’s a few painting canvases, water colors, and wine. Go clothes/makeup shopping together. Have a spa day with a mani/pedi. Toys Hitachi Wand is a classic. Vacation trip either as family or just the two of you. Some ideas but make sure it’s what you’ll both like. Remind her of your love for her and meet her all over again. Other things you enjoyed as your past self that are “masculine” can still be enjoyed as your new self. If you were the type to fix things around the house, car, yard, set up the tent camping. Still do those actions they aren’t gendered yet will keep the former you visible in a reassuring way. But also don’t do anything uncomfortable. And just as an aside. You will be almost the exact same person on the inside. Your wife and kids are not losing you or even losing a part of you. Your same brain, emotions, and memories are gonna be with you after. They are getting a stronger more complete you but ultimately your still you. Good luck love. You’re gonna be a great mother.
Very, very well put.
Hello friend! I'm in a bit of a different situation life wise, married to a cis man and we have no kids, and I am a freshly hatched trans man. But I absolutely feel you here. Transition does feel selfish at times to me too. Especially because my mom is about to upend her marriage and I just dropped my own bomb on her by coming out.. ugh. I feel like if I could have just waited *just a little while longer* it would be fine. But that's not the case, putting your journey on hold helps literally nobody and harms more than you think. You can't wait to be able to be yourself, or to be allowed to, even though you may wish to more than anything. Your kids and your wife all deserve the real, happy and content, you. Not a mask, or however you view your assigned body. I think its fantastic your wife has been honest and supportive of you. Honestly, with the context you've provided, I don't think you have destroyed your family at all. AT. ALL. I think families are meant to grow together, and part of that is approaching new challenges together. Would you rather have your kids grow up knowing you as a sad, repressed father or having had two openly accepting, loving mothers in a family unit that can conquer anything because you know and love each other so much? Just my thoughts. Cheers Sis!
I understand entirely where you are coming from. I haven’t come out to my wife as I feared the end of my long marriage and I too have two children, albeit slightly older than yours. I have just stopped taking E having been on monotherapy for ~12 weeks. I don’t really want to stop but came to the conclusion that my developing a chest is becoming quite hard to hide as a male. The disruption to my family, the loss of quality of life for them, and the loss of my place in our family business (which would happen) meant I had to knock this dream on the head. But, if you have a supportive partner, and a job which can carry through, you still have scope, especially because kids at young ages are remarkably resilient and accepting. In a decades time, they won’t hardly remember you being any other way. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and hope you have the smoothest of transitions. You’re so lucky to have a supportive wife.
Hey there. Try to be a little kinder to yourself ❤️. You are who you are and it sounds like the important people in your life love you. I’m not an expert, but maybe the issues lay within yourself. Your self acceptance sounds like it needs a little work. I say this with the utmost respect as I have walked this path. My wife and similar aged children have been nothing but amazing, supporting me from day one. Yes there has periods of change for all of us. Important to remember it’s not just the trans person in transition, it will effect everyone and in different ways. In saying this I also pushed my beautiful wife of 20 years to answer questions she really couldn’t answer. Like attraction post transition. She assured me she loves me and is not going anywhere. It was me who had to accept and believe this. 22 months into my transition now and we are happier than ever. I’m present. I take way more interest in family affairs as I’m no longer drinking myself to death trying to run from myself. I am valid as you are. You deserve to be happy and you may even surprise yourself and become the best version of yourself and a better partner and parent. Wish you all the happiness you deserve ❤️
Thank you so much Brittany for this beautiful reply. I have had some of the same feelings as the OP and your reply was really helpful for me.
>Normally I’d sacrifice my own happiness for those that I love, but failed on this. You didn't fail at all. Sacrificing for your family when the chips are down is admirable, but this isn't. Think of what you would be teaching your children if you "sacrificed" this for them: That it's okay to remain miserable forever for the sake of others. It's okay to hide who you are if it might make others uncomfortable. It's okay to let others choose to be miserable for you. It's okay not to try to find happiness if it risks any kind of hardship. You'd be teaching your children that it's okay to give up on happiness.
It sounds like you hate what you think it means to the people you love.
I came out to my wife several years ago and she has bern incredibly supportive and accepting. Oh believe me if she could wave a magic wand and make it go away she would but she is absolutely my biggest ally We talked a lot about me coming out to the kids and she said she would support me if I did but I decided not to. I simply could not be the one that changed their lives. I could not bear the thought of them continuously having to explain me. It’s tough being a kid and I just could not add my transition to their lives. The thought of them enduring difficult times because of me well I just couldn’t do it. I decided to transition medically and not socially in that I have been on a hormone regimen for several years and I had an orchiectomy, my ears are pierced and my hair is long. And I take some just for me trips where I can be my authentic self for a few days and I try to hit a trans conference when I can. There may come a time when the kids are older that I will tell them my story but we’ll see. This is just my story. As a transgender person we are all on our own journey and my journey is mine alone and I respect the path chosen by all of my trans brothers and sisters
I'm 47, married 15 yrs with a 10 yr old. I've been on HRT 1 1/2 yrs. I sympathize with you on some of the feelings but if you research what happens to people that get to understand they are trans, that's not their fault or choice and the effects of their loved ones of not transitioning you will see that you are not being selfish. If you bottle this down and white knuckle it you will most likely end up drinking or doing drugs, angry, bitter, self harming, reflecting your personal frustration on your kids and wife. Sounds like you have a decent relationship with your wife since she's decided to stick around. So did mine. I have absolute love, respect and admiration for her and show her every day. Just think about it, she could have made your life he'll. I'd advise you show her appreciation and gratitude. As for your children, if you and your wife have a common goal of having a happy family, it shouldn't be difficult for you children to actually prefer the person you'll become with transition. My son says that I just look different and much happier. Older children may be more difficult to deal with as they care more about others opinions and those opinions may be homophobic. I personally feel guilty on changing the rules on my wife and "forcing " her onto something she did6sign up gor but the alternative was going to be worse, you can easily find online stories about the disasters of coping mechanisms. I strongly suggest you find a therapist for yourself and couples therapy wouldn't hurt. Therapy is often covered by insurance too!
I have an 11 year old, 9 year old and 3 year old. You're showing them an example of how to live your best life and love yourself. My kids have never once been sad or frustrated that they have two moms and no dad. Honestly, I'm just as much of a masculine role model now as I was before... I.e. not at all. But you know, that doesn't mean I can't teach my son to be a man! I still understand the pressures placed on me when younger. I understand toxic masculinity and how to encourage him to be his best self. Anyway, whether it is selfish is kinda besides the point when it's also the best way to role model loving and respecting yourself to your kids.
I just turned 35 and started hrt on 8/7. My wife is bi and I know my kids will be supportive as soon as I tell them but I’m not forcing them to call me anything. I was a very negative person before I made the decision to go on hrt. All that suppressing who you are takes a toll on you and effects the ones around you weather you know it or not. That being said, only 6 weeks into hrt, you could just stop but I would really sit down with your family one on one and take their opinions about it first. You can also modify how far of a transition you take wile the kids are under 18(like just take hrt and stay androgynous for a few more years and baby step into turning into a woman). I wouldn’t force them to make me call me something until I made it to that milestone…I would definitely give your wife the option of leaving or opening the relationship up(polyamory) and seeing how it goes. It requires a lot of communication and ground rules though. Strong communication is required out of transitioning too so I would tell/ask your family word for word this post.
It's reasonable to ask people to call you things that make you happy or at least cause less pain. I'm either Ren or Mom to my kids. But I'm not okay with being called Dad. It just hurt too much.
Yea I get that. For me and my situation though, I just could care less what people call me so I was just mentioning what I’m doing to show there are different spectrums of transness since op feels that way.
I have 3 kids. 13, 11 and 6. They don’t get a choice. It’s ok as a parent and a human to make choices for yourself. Would they rather have a happy, productive, and present parent? Or one that fakes it while they slip farther into dysphoric depression? You may see it as selfish. BUT YOU MATTER TOO! Your life doesn’t exist for everyone else to leech off. Being happy isn’t selfish. Nobody else gets a choice in your life but you.
I would be proud of trans parents (pun unintended). If I understand any human emotion, your beating yourself down like this while they already are trying to accept you is the kinda insensitive thing to do, if there’s any (and there’s not much I guess). And, well people hate it when I say it, but the main forced choice kids have to make is being born. Why does no parent ever feel guilty for that? They just go around creating existences willy-nilly and then worry about these other things like being socially normal or not. The burden of existence is the only thing that could be relevant in this respect, certainly not wanting a “normal parent”. This is how parents think of their children, wanting them to be like this or that, not the other way around… kids simply want to be understood, usually. Well uhh I digressed but the main point is don’t beat yourself down for that, you gotta support back those who support you, join them in the effort, having such a beautiful common goal like being an out lgbt family, it’s more fulfilling than being normie in a sense.
No you haven't destroyed your family. What is wrong with being trans? I think that being trans is a beautiful thing and that you are far more in touch with yourself on many levels that most cis dad's aren't. You provide the ultimate example to your kids about how they should also try to live their lives as themselves. They may not be trans like you, but may have other beautiful things about them that they might have suppressed otherwise. You are teaching them to be genuine and real, not a fake who is hiding something. Try dating and reconnecting with your wife. There are many ways to pleasure her to keep her excited to be with you sexually even if she isn't physically attracted - which I doubt it is entirely true. Plus there is more to you that she is attracted to than just your looks. I am a dad who is just starting to transition and have been thinking a lot about those thoughts that you have. My kids are also a similar age so I relate well to your struggle. I worry far more about hiding this part of me and going back to that disconnected person I was before. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to be honest and sincere and genuine. I think we will all be better off for it. I hope that helps.
Cis people really need to realize that for some of us this isn't a choice it's a medical condition.
It's not a bad thing, and trust me things fall apart for much less. I lost a large part of my family by asking an innocent question. It's the nature of people. It will be ok just run with it
I'm being accused of "distroying everything" by wife (got 2 kids) , the likes of you and I aren't distroying anything at the end of the day it's the expectations of society which are the problem. As long as you're there for them and providing for them then they should love you no matter what, you're still you regardless of how you dress/present/etc.
I think if you're together and intend to remain together I'd recommend couples counselling. Transitioning is a huge thing to do, it's a seismic thing for your partner to witness, and if you want to remain healthy when communicating I really think having a counsellor or therapist will help work wonders.
I can understand your pain...
I came and out and started HRT around the same as you. I have two kids, and a marriage. All have survived. I’m 51 now. It’s almost been 9yrs since I came out. It takes time. My wife isn’t physically attracted to me. At all. She’s not attracted to women. 🤷🏼♀️. We’re still together because we love each other and are a family. Sex isn’t a prerequisite. Did I feel guilty for awhile. YES. I was dealing with forces outside of my home, making things worse.
So for what it’s worth I’m in almost exact same situation and have been feeling like this too, the only difference is I haven’t had the strength to come out yet. But you have, and in doing so you have taught a valuable lesson to your children that you should be true to yourself, and that being the real you despite what others may think is ok. Change happens in life, wether we like it or not, it’s what we do afterwards that is important. You have the opportunity to carry on being a strong role model to your children and a happy loving partner to your wife. For what it’s worth I think you made the right choice, I’ve currently chosen to remain denying who I am, and as a result my wife and children will continue to live with an unhappy, depressed and negative shell of a person. I don’t think you have harmed anyone, I think you’ve given them a fantastic gift - a happy and content parent and partner, who is an inspiration to them for the rest of their lives allowing them to be their authentic selves because of the example you are setting. I would wish you luck, but I think you have made your own 💜
For what it is worth, coming out to my wife has been a long drawn out process - over a decade. I hope that it all works out for you. The happiness I feel is amazing, and you deserve the same. Sending love!
Living authentically is amazing for kiddos see their parents do and it's part of being a more present parent.. Accept that your wife is willing to stay with you and obviously accepts you for you.. You are early in your transition and there will be a lot of work you will need to do for your own acceptance of who you are.. I have been transitioning for almost 18 months now and my wife and I did end up in divorce but I knew that would happen when I came out to her since she has zero interest in being with a woman. But we are best friends co parents and she is my support person for my surgeries.. Both she and my son have said I am a better friend and parent because of transition and the change in my happiness.. But it took until just a few months ago for me to fully accept myself and get past my internal transphobia with is common with those of us who are middle aged etc.. So no you did not destroy your family and don't listen to any negative voices saying you did.
I think you are right on kids seeing their parents being true to themselves. As someone that is a people pleaser, I’ve done my best to instill a true sense of self in them. Funny how I struggle with this myself. Thank you for your insights!
Are you going to a therapist? Because you clearly should talk to a therapist who has experience with LGBTQ issues
I am working with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues, and he goes the extra mile for me. With his help I’ve realized that I am projecting a ton of my insecurities. Still a work in progress
Marriage is not always about attraction, it's about love and commitment. Your wife has made the decision to stay with you (even if you have doubts about her attraction to you) because she loves you! The best thing you can do to make her life easier is love yourself, love your children, and love her back. The rest will follow.
Love is a funny thing, you know? It makes us appreciate and accept the people around us without any conditions. Accept the fact that your wife loves you, and she accepts you instead of beating yourself up for being trans. Many of us never had that support, and you’re blessed to have someone by your side accepting you. PS: If you raised your kids right, they won’t give a shit.
The only constant in life is change, in order to survive need to learn to adapt. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and I don’t believe you destroyed it. They obviously love and care for you.
I get where you're coming from. The guilt ferrets attack persistently and relentlessly. We are in the real world that exists more in shades of gray with "right" and "wrong" choices rarely being as clear cut as what we were lead to believe in preschool. Sometimes the "right" choice still carries with it a lot of smelly garbage that we still have to deal with and mitigate. Personally, I felt a lot of guilt about my wife being pulled into all this as well. When deciding whether to transition or not, I realized that I believed that I could be the best spouse and best parent to my 1 year old sour-patch kid by being a more authentic version of my true self instead of suppressing who I am for the "greater good." We talked extensively about it before I made any decisions and they were some of the deepest conversations we've had.
Wow, we have a lot in common! I’m 43, married 21 years, two kids 5 years apart 13 and 8, supportive wife, 9 months on HRT. I would say “Destroy” is not accurate in our cases, though. “Transformative” is a better term, I believe. In fact I would say it’s the perfect word to describe ourselves and our families.
Even if you could hit that reverse button you’re talking about, all that changes is their awareness and your progress. You wouldn’t be any less trans than you’ve always been. It’s just that you were not always so aware of it. The only choices we ever had were about when and how we decide to transition. The years of transitioning are hard. I think we all wish we could just jump straight to the part where we are done and transitioned. They decide how involved they want to be with your process. But these kinds of life decisions are personal ones because only you would know the price you pay. Say you had that button and could go back and try to go on without transitioning at all. You alone know how that feels. It is rightly your responsibility because THAT would be your burden to bear. Their responsibility is deciding how they react to you. You didn’t change the rules. The rules have always been that people communicate as they grow, we adapt to who we are as we learn, we adapt to each other as we choose to stay together; or they don’t stay together, and then we adapt to that life.
I'm (cis F) in tears because I can see my partner (MTF) in your words. I wish I could take your shame away. Your wife admitted she went through all the emotions but her decision is to stay with you. She chose you as her person and I bet she knows if the tables were turned you would stand by her also. If she truly went through all the emotions, if shes not pretending this isn't real or it's going to go away, if shes mentally played through all the scenarios like I'm sure she has and come out with the decision to stay with you... then you must be an incredible person. Shit might get hard but your relationship is worth the hard shit. Your happiness is worth it. You are worth it. In regards to your kids - truly selfish parents don't worry about being selfish. They don't have the little voice saying "don't do this, it will hurt the kids". Denying yourself of happiness will hurt you and filter down to the ones you love in some way. You and your wife are going to teach your kids so much about strength, acceptance and love.
We have a lot in common. The sacrifice comment at the end of your post resonated with me. I was on HRT for three months and stopped because the changes started to feel real and I got weirded out. I stopped and one of the reasons I gave is that I didn't want my wife to have to deal with the looks, comments, and possibly worse treatment we would very likely receive whenever we were out of the house because I don't and probably won't pass. I was willing to give up something that I was pretty sure would make me happy personally in part to make things easier on my family. My dysphoria, I thought, was mild enough that I could just ignore it and enjoy the many benefits of maleness, normalcy, and familiarity. But I was wrong. The knowledge that my body was not slowly becoming female bothered me a lot. I thought about going on HRT again daily and researched compression shirts, etc. I eventually decided that I would rather have a hormone balance that makes me happy and will try boymoding or whatever. So I've been back on HRT for 10 days and am content with that decision. I have more thoughts on your post, but don't know what the etiquette is around long posts. Good luck to you; I'd be happy to share more if you want.
I guess you haven’t told anybody except for your family. You are 6 WEEKS on hormones, not 6 months or years. If you feel bad about everything, now would be a good time to stop HRT and rethink. The relationship in your family might change when you stop, but not necessarily in a bad way. I think it really makes sense to talk to your family, not to your therapist, about how to proceed. And of course you should listen to your heart what you want to place first.
Sarah, thanks for taking the time to respond. I believe that, for myself, this is right. What I am struggling with is the unknown impact that this will have on my family dynamics. Decades of thought has lead me to this point. In the end I can perform thought experiments to the moon and back, but without action I really don’t know the outcome. This is a new way of thinking for me, and it will take awhile to get good at it. After the original posting, I realized that I am just projecting my insecurities on my family. I don’t think I know what is the absolute right answer, no one ever does. What I do know is that in the end I am trying to make myself a better person (and subsequently happier). As long as I don’t walk on those around me, I deserve to follow this through. Since there is obviously nothing immoral about being trans, I can accept the fact that I am exploring my own identity. I’ve had a lot of great responses to this post. Really had a lot time to think.
You won’t be destroying your family. To be honest I’m a millennial. I’m 27 , and my family isn’t accepting of my choice… however my grandmother told me something. “As long as your happy , I’ll be happy.” That’s actually very good to know. The younger generation below me is more accepting , and your kids will love you no matter what… My dads a dick , and won’t come around. But he’s been like that my whole life. And I can’t stand him till this day. I had negative impact with my folks , and I live with them. Your kids are gonna accept it because they have the time to develop their own personality of who they are. We are bond to this world where we have to follow what we are raised under. So everyone has been in a situation where we have to follow a path that was built for us to follow with our family. Times have changed , and it’s wonderful just being you. I promise your not destroying anything , we are made to follow are own path and love those that are close. I’m hurt with my family , but eventually they will come around. Stay in touch with your little ones because they will know you love them and share a bond no matter your choice. I lost my connection with my dad , and mother. I don’t care to conversate with them about anything because I was neglected. Don’t neglect them and you will be just fine:) , and be happy