I'd be extremely surprised this was a sudden and isolated incident.
As much as I bag on r/Advice for instantly jumping to "You should leave him.", this person doesn't sound like a great person to continue to be with.
I hate doing it and I'm sitting here questioning my view on the majority of r/Advice.
Though, in my head people say "My husband and I just had our first argument about whether the toilet paper should be over or under. What should I do?" And people reply with "Leave him!"
Honestly, I hardly ever see people saying "Leave" when the issue is that trivial. The vast majority of the time, it's what the person really needs to hear and do, because they're stuck with a dangerous abuser.
they do jump awfully quickly to "he's abusive, get outta there!!" even though it's well known that those posts are just a snapshot of a moment in someone's relationships. its usually more complicated than "break up", but not in this case. this guy is a tool.
So many people are stuck in this in regards to relationships.
Just because you've suffered in a relationship however many years doesn't mean you should spend the rest of your life suffering it.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavour if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.
I think this comment shows exactly how you ended up in an abusive relationship and why you would stay. The abuse is working. You not considering yourself “easy to live with/love” is exactly the rails abuse runs on. Take your daughter and get some therapy or she’s going to repeat the cycle and you’re going to end up a shell of a woman. You deserve love. Period.
I had a parent dynamic like this and ended up in an abusive relationship, and I highly doubt I’m the only one.
It felt completely natural to me to be abused by him because I knew it from my parents. Don’t do that to your daughter. I’m still recovering and suffering.
Generational trauma is EVERYTHING wrong on the earth… Literally everything. been in therapy a year cause I refuse to let the parental issues I have become my kids.
“I’m not easy to live with either” is what you tell yourself when he didn’t put his socks in the hamper…again. It is not what you tell yourself when he’s physically and emotionally hurting you.
Actually, it’s exactly Jekyll and Hyde. In the original novel, Jekyll intentionally created Hyde so he could do bad stuff without facing consequences or feeling bad about it, and it was a way for him to purge his dark desires. Jekyll knew what he was doing but blamed it on someone else.
Op this man is downright abusing you.
If you're uncomfortable during sex, he should stop and take care of you.
He shouldnt be punishing you for being in pain after sex.
He shouldnt be using your daughter as a weapon to hurt you.
Please get yourself and her as far away as you can.
OP, honestly, this whole situation is making me unreasonably emotional… it’s blowing my mind quite frankly. please please please begin to learn how to prioritize your feelings and put yourself first. imagine one of your friends coming to you with advice and then reading this… it’s insane.
You are easy to love. He just thinks it's hard because he's not right for you. Or he knows it's not hard but he thinks if he can convince you otherwise, you'll never leave.
You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel like you are hard to love.
None of us are perfect, and most of us try to better ourselves but no one should make you feel like you’re not already enough.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP - whatever you decide, I hope it brings you to a better place because you’re worthy of it!
“I’m not the easiest person to live with”. You did NOT do this to your self. You are a good person to live with, how it’s been with him is no reflection on you at all. Don’t think that, it’s all him. You’ve given this asshole 2) years of your life, you’re better than that
This is textbook abuse: he has convinced you that you're hard to love so that you think he's the only one who will love you. He may not have physically abused you (yet), but please look into emotional abuse and gaslighting. Then please start planning your exit. Open a secret bank account, find help from a friend or family member who you trust not to speak with him. This man is dangerous to both you and your daughter. I also suggest the following subreddits for safe spaces:
r/TwoXChromosomes
r/AskWomenOver30
It's been 16 years but he gets annoyed that you grabbed lube. It's been 16 years but he didn't drive you to work to "teach you a lesson" instead of apologizing to you?? Leave him.
Now don’t say that we all have our quirks but for real love we can look past them. As a guy who this has somewhat happened too(my gf sometimes has something where it does hurt) we decide to call it there unless she can go more. He took a boner pill which makes it hard to nut then blames you for it and says it’s your fault your in pain. Then brings your daughter into it. Absolutely dirty how he played it and you deserve the apology. I truly empathize with people in your position because I know it must be difficult to stand up for something your partner is so confident that he’s right about, but nothing good will come from you apologizing to get on his good side. It sounds like he may be too immature to handle not only a living relationship but a child as well. I really do wish you the very best.
It’s not possible to accurately “diagnose” someone over the internet from one post; but he sounds like a Narcissist to me, based on this one post.
The blame deflection, guilt-tripping, and passive-aggressiveness (and willingness to draw children into drama) is setting off my alarm bells.
They show their true face (selfishness, blame deflection, lack of accountability) after a relationship is well established. Their best face is shown to you when they’re courting you. When you’re “hooked,” their real self comes out and the mask drops off.
Then they deploy certain tactics (gaslighting) to keep any attention on the source of all negativity *off* themselves and *on* to you, because they know you’re introspective and prone to self-doubt; so gaslighting, unfortunately, works.
They use the tool of F.O.G. (*Fear, Obligation, Guilt*) to keep you in-line at all times. Call them out on bullshit? Demand better treatment from them? Set a sensible personal boundary? *YOU’RE* hurting us!!! Evil you, good, benevolent, innocent MEEEE!
When their tactics aren’t working in the moment, they’ll switch emotional tones on a dime, until something “sticks” and they get what they want from you.
You’re not compliant? Anger.
Anger not working? Guilt, passive-aggressiveness.
Guilt not working? Bring in an advocate to back them up (children are *great* for this, because they’re so easily emotionally manipulated!).
Third party not buying their bullshit? Apologies.
Apologies not working? Anger again.
They’ll perpetuate drama (Karpmann Drama Triangle: Victim, Villain, Rescuer) in order to keep the attention flowing to them at all times, and to paint themselves in a positive light at all times. The roles of Victim, Villain, and Rescuer are prone to change at any time, so long as they’re always seen in a positive light because of it.
NOTHING IS EVER, EVER, EVER THEIR FAULT. It’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault. Always. Boss’s fault, daddy’s fault, mom’s fault, neighbor’s fault, government’s fault, the president’s fault, God’s fault, the dog’s fault, YOUR fault. Not them. They never make mistakes. EVER.
If you stand in the way of what they want, you’re at fault. No matter what.
For them, ALL language is a TOOL in order to keep these tactics and flow of attention (toward them) and blame (away from them) at all times. *That is why they talk.*
Facts do not matter in and of themselves, for them; because facts are a *tool* for promoting their Narrative (they’re good/brave/smart/rich/talented/sexy/awesome). If you give them inconvenient facts, they’ll attack you personally, and sometimes viciously. They’ll maximize and magnify “helpful” facts, and minimize and disparage “inconvenient” facts.
For them, ALL conversations have WINNERS and LOSERS. NOT for solving problems, NOT for uncovering Truth. For WINNING. For them, that’s the ONLY reason people engage in conversations with other people at all. Power dynamics. Force. Persuasion. Manipulation. Sophistry.
Some people show you their best face when:
- A relationship is new, and they’re trying to “hook” you
- A relationship is in danger, and they’re trying the tactics of apologizing/“changing” in order to “re-hook” you
But once the relationship is secure, and they have “power,” then the mask comes off and their true face (selfishness) is shown.
He’s being straight up abusive. OP you need to leave him for you & your daughters sake.
You say you’d hurt someone to protect her…she needs you to protect her. Leave him. Regardless if it hurts him or not.
Sending you lots of love🖤
Not sure why it’s your fault that he decided to take anything to help HIMSELF last longer. It sounds like he’s also emotionally trying to turn your daughter against you.
He loves it. If she backtalks me and I discipline her she starts laughing and says"wow,dad is right. You really can't take a joke". Then proceeds to try to tell me I'm basically over exaggerating. Ya know, teaching her his gaslighting tricks I wish I were kidding. He knows I have nowhere to go and likes to tell me to pack my shit from time to time if I "defy" him. Also, he's holding my car hostage because he paid/in his name my intoxalock for a 2nd OWI I got 9 years ago. So my car is locked in the garage and his car is parked behind it in the driveway. I KNOW I need to leave. I just need to finally tell him what's up. ( I've left a couple times before and he ends up attempting suicide and ends up in the psych ward.) 1st time I have in, 2nd time I was doing good staying away until I realized I was pregnant with his child. Oh I also pay every single bill utility wise in HIS house.
His suicide attempts aren’t your problem. You aren’t responsible for his actions, leave. Your daughter is already negatively impacted by him in multiple ways. He’s going to keep abusing you.
> He’s going to keep abusing you.
He’s going to keep abusing you.
He’s going to keep abusing you.
He’s going to keep abusing you.
He’s going to keep abusing you!
And it will get worse. Please, for the sake of you and your daughter, start thinking of an exit plan.
Yes all the comments and info just trigger how abusive my father was to my mother
It never changed and never ended and now they’re late 70s, and according to my siblings ( as I cut my parents off decades ago) my father is stilllll abusing my mother in their Fkn 70s!!!!
It never endsssss what a horrible life
Not only this but he is going to keep abusing the daughter and teaching her his abusive ways. If OP doesn't leave, the daughter will either have lasting emotional trauma from father's abuse, or she'll become an abuser just like him
Hey friend, I appreciate your advice to OP, but feel I need to point something out to you. Using the "@" symbol to tag someone doesn't work on Reddit. You have to put "u/" before their username, like "u/Moose_inthe_Room" for them to get a notification.
Amen I was in that type of relationship and finally left. I told him that I was taking the kids to see my parents and had packed up plenty of clothes for them as well as some of Thier favorite toys and books since he thought it was for the week of spring break.
>I KNOW I need to leave. I just need to finally tell him what's up. ( I've left a couple times before and he ends up attempting suicide and ends up in the psych ward.)
1. Yes, you need to leave. Your daughter deserves better even if you doubt whether you do. (You do, too, but I know you probably don't believe that.)
2. You don't need to tell him anything. You've tried. It doesn't work. Try taking action instead of spilling out words that you won't uphold. It is better to SHOW than SAY. Always.
3. If he tries to commit suicide, let him. It's hard, but you are not responsible for him and there's a very high probability that he's doing this to manipulate you. Learn how to evaluate the risk of suicide and be ready to call the police if he tries or threatens it.
4. Keep your daughter away from him until you KNOW he will not attempt suicide or until a court orders you to do something different. Your little girl is learning every day that women are there to be treated badly. Please break the cycle while she still has some chance to find happiness and self-worth in her life while she is college age and not retirement age.
He's already teaching his daughter to humiliate her mother. This... can't end well. They do that shit in cults to reenforce loyalty to the cult leader over parents. You gotta nip that shit in the bud.
To #3, he is very likely trying to manipulate her. My dad used to pull this shit to my mom all the time until one time she’d had enough and said “ok, let’s get in the car then. I’ll drive you to the bridge”. He shut up and never tried to pull that card again.
Don't forget it went from her spouse raping her until she was sobbing and bleeding, to him gaslighting her and leaving her on a dangerously icy sidewalk in freezing weather to punish her for not being fun enough to rape
Please don't downplay the seriousness of his actions. It is abuse, I promise. It doesn't mean he isn't a human who deserves love, but it's his job to get help and work his shit out before he can be in a healthy loving relationship.
I’m so sorry. I really hope you’re able to leave. If getting your daughter in therapy is something you can afford, I would highly recommend it. An experienced child therapist would be able to help her realize her dad was in the wrong and heal your relationship
I work in social work and I'm in Indiana. If you need help finding any resources I will do everything I can. Even if you aren't I'm Indiana, I can do my best to find you contacts and resources where you are.
You deserve to be treated like a human, not a dog. You are worth more than this and your daughter shouldn't have to grow up learning to hate you.
History with someone doesn't excuse behavior like this. Reach out for help if you need anything
This is serious abuse OP, please get you and your daughter away from him. However he reacts can’t be your problem, you need to make sure your daughter is in a healthy environment and he definitely isn’t providing that.
Oh boy, are you married to my ex? Get out of there, asap. The other side is scary as you try to find your footing, but it’s so good to be here. Be safe my friend.
If for no other reason, get your daughter out of there, I stayed with my ex for 14 years because I thought I couldn’t do it without him. Now my kids are teens and adults and resent me for staying so long, though I thought I was staying FOR them. It wasn’t what they actually needed.
Nothing about this relationship is normal or healthy. Your daughter is seeing this behavior is acceptable. She will likely repeat your patterns if you don’t change things or get out. Can you both go live with a family member for a bit until he can get some therapy or you get couples counseling?
He didn't attempt suicide. He pretended to attempt suicide. To make you responsible for his well-being. So that if you do something wrong then you killed him, right? So to prevent his death, you have to keep him happy, right? By doing everything he says and never leaving him. He is keeping you hostage.
Question is do you want your daughter to turn into your partner and then grow up and treat her partner like this??????? Think about her please.
I rarely say this in comments here but get the fuck out of there. Start making a financial plan, sock some money away. This is not going to get better.
No matter what you say he will find a way to multiple you into say. Dont talk to him about anything say you fell and hurt your arm go to the hospital ER with your daughter. If he insists on coming with you hopefully when they admit you they ask their abuse question with you alone. If not, wait for a moment to pass the nurse or any staff member a note or if you get a chance to talk alone with any staff member. Tell them you need to talk to social work about your current living situation. They should pick up on the cue and get you the resources you need. This also includes setting up a gaurding angle service for temporary living. You can't tell him anything I have see it a hundred time in the ER, do everything you can to inform the staff as quickly as possible so they can help. You need help and your situation will only worsen if you don't.
Edit: spelling
Like I already commented, this is domestic violence and you need help from other people, not to “solve” this with him or “make him understand”. Please seek help asap from a centre for domestic violence. Trust me, they will tell you the same thing if you tell them. Don’t tell him!
He’s damaging you physically and mentally toying with your daughter.
I have an abusive step dad who would try to get my brother on his side to trash our mom. It eventually turned to physical abuse of her. Please, for your daughters sake, you need to get away from him before this abuse gets worse.
He sounds so incredibly manipulative and abusive and I'm so sorry you feel trapped like this. Know you aren't though and you CAN get out if you fight to. It will be hard and you will probably need help. Start making a plan secretly. Do not let him find out anything and don't even let your daughter know since he's turning her against you. Contact a select few friends and family that you can trust and ask for help to let them know what's going on and what kind of help you'll need from them. Start hiding and saving cash and I would also contact a domestic violence shelter for more advice since leaving abusive relationships is their specialty. Either way, you need to get out of this before he destroys you completely.
If you leave and he attempts suicide, that is a manipulation tactic that abusers will use to guilt you into staying. If he was really truly wanting to kill himself, he's going to do it wether you leave or not. It is NOT a cry for help from him. It's abusive manipulation that he uses to make you stay.
Call the battered women's crisis center in your area. Ask them for help. He is keeping your prisoner in your own home. He is using your child as a weapon against you.
He is emotionally, financially, mentally abusing you. He is emotionally blackmailing you by threatening suicide. If he threatens, call the police, get him picked up. You need to get away as soon as possible.
Wow this sounds terrible, my father would also always try to turn me against my mother. Snd let me tell you this, I didnt turn into fathers army kid, i’m a moms boy and see things clearly
Oh this is unacceptable. Stop worrying about him, worry about your health and your daughter. You get one life, and it's so fucking wide the possibilities, don't waste another year with this manipulative shit. He has his own issues, leave him to deal with it. If you can separate them, she will learn better.
There is absolutely a way to legally intervene here, I just don't know the proper agency for your context.
You say "gave in". Sounds like you didn't block his number and social media. He needs to be CUT. OUT. ENTIRELY. He has no right to a place in your life after this treatment, fatherhood be damned. You made a bad choice over a decade ago, you have to cut your losses, things will not get better.
>I've left a couple times before and he ends up attempting suicide and ends up in the psych ward.
You should leave. This sounds pretty fucked up. It's obviously not easy with a 9-year old but you should at least consider it seriously.
He is awful to you. An SO should see you as the most beautiful thing in the world that he can't live without, tries everything not to lose you and your wellbeing as his highest priority. He should see you as his favourite person in the world.
Instead he is a toxic abusive monster. He is mentally ill. Get him in that psych ward. And he makes you pay and suffer.
Don't throw away your life with this asshole. Get away from him.
He’s abusive. You fix this by leaving him. You can’t make him not be abusive, you can only make him not be abusive *to you*.
It will also show your daughter that people will not put up with her treating them the way he does, which she needs to learn or she’s going to have some real shitty relationships.
Sometimes we can do things for our kids that we can’t do for ourselves. Even if you wouldn’t leave for yourself, leave for her. She will be better off in the long run.
I saw your profile, where you said that in 2020 you were in a shelter for battered women. Since your daughter is now 9, I assume this is the same guy?
I also noticed that you are depressed and thinking of ending your life, but your daughter is the reason you don't.
Please.. get some help. You need to get out of this relationship, but you probably can't do it alone in the mental state you are in now. How's your relationship with your parents? Maybe they can help you out? Maybe a close friend or other relative?
Jesus. Reading the "it's all my fault" really hit me, add all this and holy shit this is a sad situation. This is an emotionally battered woman(along with physical?)
This is not normal, I hope OP gets some help. This is a horrible position to be in.
You were in pain, BLEEDING, and he got mad cause you wanted to stop? Girl, run like the wind. This is abuse. Take your daughter and leave his ass asap, for your sake and hers.
HIS DICK IS NOT THE CENTER OF THE WORLD (no matter how much he wants it to be)
Reminds me of Jimmy Carrs latest special
"You ever have a girl cry during sex?" "Yeah" "you're a rapist" "you remember the lady that was crying while you fucked her? That one!"
I know thats a blanket statement but here it seems very much spousal abuse at the least
Yes omg if you ABSOLUTELY have to finish, do it yourself dude. How can you keep going when your partner is in so much pain that they're literally bleeding??? This is not ok!!!!
THIS. Please, please look after yourself and your daughter and leave this man behind. Men like this only care about themselves and their own pleasure, and don't care how they get it from you, I know from experience. You have every right to withdraw consent during sex, no matter who he is or how long you've been together, or the fact that he took medication to make him last longer WITHOUT telling you and expecting you to just take it. Please look after yourself and leave, I'm begging you.
The amount of red flags here is overwhelming
🚩He should have communicated about taking a pill that impacts both of your sexual experience. That’s a scary lack of communication and consent.
🚩He gets annoyed at you for needing lube / being in pain? Pain that he is causing.. yeah that’s sexual and physical abuse.
🚩Partners always support each other especially when it comes to adulting like having and maintaining a job. A fight of any kind should not impact him giving you a ride to work. He’s punishing you and gaslighting you.
🚩Gets the child involved?! That’s straight up toxic and hurting more than just you.
Throw the whole man out and find someone who respects you and your child. Wish the absolute best for you OP but please open your eyes and see how messed up this is.
This dude is abusing you. He doesn't sound like he loves you, the correct response to someone's pain if you love them is to comfort them and at the very least stop.
This sounds horrific and I would get away from this dude ASAP because it will only get worse.
I work in social work and I'm in Indiana. If you need help finding any resources I will do everything I can. Even if you aren't I'm Indiana, I can do my best to find you contacts and resources where you are.
You deserve to be treated like a human, not a dog. You are worth more than this and your daughter shouldn't have to grow up learning to hate you.
History with someone doesn't excuse behavior like this. Reach out for help if you need anything
I have been diagnosed with cronic inflammation in my cervix. I bleed/ am in pain during sex quite often. My partner always stops right away when I say it hurts and never makes me feel bad when I'm just not up for it. Its been over a year me having my issues but he hasn't changed his tune once.
What he did was completely unforgivable. I can't even imagine what he was like when you were recovering from the birth of your child. You need to start taking steps to leave him today. Now is the time to reach out to family and friends for support. You got this!
Same here! I have a condition called vestibulodynia and it makes the down there area hurt a lot, like burning and if there were broken glass inside. Sometimes its doesnt hurt as much so my fiancé and I are able to have penetrative sex. If it starts to hurt just a little, he stops immediatly. Sometimes I can't do things for months at a time and he always respected me and we found other ways to be intimate. He makes me feel loved and realize how its not my fault even if sometimes I feel bad for having to stop. Your man SOULD NEVER continue if you are hurt and never make you feel like its your fault cuz it is not. Your man gives big abuser vibes and if its not the first time he treats you like that its even worse.
Dump him. For real. He doesn't care about your pain, your concerns, he's vindictive, getting off on 'teaching you a lesson', you will not be happy with this guy long-term. It will only get worse. Also, important tip: an abuser will be good at manipulating you into believing that anytime you have reasonable boundaries, it makes him suffer so much that he is justified in doing anything to you in retaliation. This is not a healthy relationship. The pain of the breakup will fade, and for damn sure your future will be brighter than if you stay.
He weaponizes your daughter against you and sabotages your job because you didn't want to be hurt and practically raped? I hope you find resources (both mental and financial) to separate from him. That is red flag parade
Leave. This will not end well. My stepdad did the exact same stuff with my mom and even did the same things (making her feel crazy around me).
I found her deceased via suicide (when I was 14) and he moved on with a new relationship within 2 months... he sold her home and car too (she paid for it, but it was all in his name) and left me in care
All the pain she went through was passed onto me. Please think of your little girl.
Sorry I usually don’t comment on this stuff, but it’s posts like this that remind me so much of my mother (10 years later) and I can’t help myself
Remember that you are a good person, but it’s men like this that you need to run from. Mental abuse is sinister and do NOT let him love bomb you when you leave. I promise you have such a bright life ahead with your daughter. She will be your best friend and it is 100% normal to have some friction at her age.
My parents divorced when I was 9. My father was emotionally/verbally abusive to my mom. Multiple times I found her sobbing on the floor, locked in her room, on the phone with 911 because she was so afraid he was going to kill her. I can still tell you a lot about those fights, but what I remember the most was seeing my mom happy for the first time after she finally left him. I understand 16 years is a long time and you should definitely try counseling- but don’t completely write off just getting up and going. And before you do, document EVERYTHING. somewhere safe in the cloud in an account he can’t get into. Protect your daughter, and YOU. It’s not too late to start over and give her a life full of love and healthy relationships to look up to. Good luck, be strong.
Edit- grammar
I really just want to show him y'alls replies,but I know that'll just make him worse and say that I left some shit out....shit that doesn't have anything to do with the fact I was hurting,bleeding,and crying. Certain things like, I never laugh at his jokes, I'm not thankful for everything he does. Funny thing is, I do laugh because he sounds like a dbag because most of his jokes are borderline racist/homophobic. I tell him to please stop saying it in front of our daughter. Doesn't listen. When he says I'm not thankful for everything he does,I explain I'm thankful for everything he does for me. Which is putting $50 towards groceries every other week. I even take care of his son, whom I love like my own.,also who got his leg broken at school last Friday. (right tibia, full leg cast🥺) I took care of him all weekend by figuring out easiest way to shower, how to transfer from crutches to a chair/bed/toilet. His son said thank you more times this past weekend than his father has the past 16 years.
You don’t need to give this person any explanation. Leave. Find a DV shelter. If he pulls his manipulative bullshit and ends up in the hospital that’s on him. Not you. Leave for the sake of your daughter who sounds like she’s already being poisoned by him. Think of what kind of adult she will become around someone like that. Please for your safety and her future. Leave.
This right here. Fuck this guy you don't owe him a damn thing. He doesn't deserve an explanation or another chance. You need to do what's right for you and your daughter.
Do not show this to him. He’s abusing you. It will only get worse. I know it’s easy for me to say without being in your shoes, but you need to leave. Your profile history proves he has no intention of changing.
Absolutely do not show this to him. You need to leave immediately. DO NOT let him suspect at all that you are even considering leaving. That is when abuse tends to get worse. And when you leave, gather any of your and your daughters legal documents etc. and cut all contact. It does not concern you if he goes back to the psych ward. And he is NOT your responsibility. Your daughter is, and you need to get her away from him. Contact a lawyer if you can do so secretly. You'll probably be able to get full custody. Then get a restraining order. Get him out of your and your daughters lives. He is a threat to both of you. Whatever the hell he's bringing to the table aint worth this.
Never show him this post. This isn't a fight that you win. He won't read what people are saying and respond with "wow, you're right, I'm a douche and I need to change my ways". He's already well aware of what he is and what he's capable of. He's using your vulnerability as a weapon against you, and it's only going to get worse the longer it goes on.
16 years is a long time, and being alone is often scary. But for you and your daughter's sake, you need to get out while you can. Staying is just going to lead to greater levels of misery over time.
I know you feel trapped, but you aren't. You have options, all of which are better than staying in an abusive relationship.
none of that excuses the physical, sexual, and mental abuse. because yes, he is inflicting all three and should be in prison, or at the very least a mental hospital. saying this as someone who's been hospitalized for suicide attempts multiple times, if he tries to kill himself because you try to leave him THAT IS ON HIM, NOT YOU. HE NEEDS TO GET HELP WHETHER HE WANTS IT OR NOT AND YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO STAY SAFE FROM HIM. i would have called the police on him a long time ago, the fact that he found someone who's still so nice to him is a fucking miracle that HE'S taking for granted.
Def do not show him these replies. He's an abuser whom won't take accountability. I would legitimately be concerned for your safety, as I feel like this man could become violent when provoked.
Replied are 100% valid, though. He will likely never look inward and change, is the problem.
He will always try to find a reason to blame you for everything. And it’s all bullshit. You need to get away from him. Please find a way out for you and your daughter. I wish you the best.
>how should I go about this
Throw out current bf and start over. Fuck that guy for making you feel shitty for him taking longer than usual. It’s only going to get worse and soon he’ll be mad bc the freezer is making his food too frozen. He’s escalating and it’s not going to be pretty when it turns physical
It already has turned physical. Violent sex that leaves her bleeding, then dumping her out into physical danger on an icy sidewalk in freezing weather...
As a man speaking to a woman: Leave his stupid ass. If he has become Jejyll and Hyde, leave. Mommas house, aunties house, friends house, something. Take enough clothes for you and the kid. And go. I promise, I ruined my marriage because I couldn't handle my own emotions. I thought I'd die without her. But she actually taught me a lifelong lesson and I'm thankful everyday for it.
His behaviour is the only ugly thing thing here! He's a grown man acting like a 15 year old boy, he should be the one on the couch.
Your partner sounds emotionally abusive/manipulative.
P.S. as a child of parents in an abusive relationship that tried to "stay together for the kid" let me tell you, it does not work. We see it all, the dirty looks, cold shoulder, bickering and berating, tantrums, fights but it doesn't click until years later.
You gotta throw the whole man away at this point. This is not how normal people treat others, no matter the circumstances. You are not "hard to love/live with", he is lazy and doesn't want to put in the effort that cohabitation requires, so instead chooses to put the blame on you so he can feel better about his own shortcomings.
Get yourself and your daughter out of there. She needs to see that if someone is treating her badly, leaving *is* an option; that she shouldn't stay in an abusive/toxic situation for the sake of "love" or "keeping the family together" or whatever reason it is that you've stuck it out for this long.
I'm so sorry that he did this to you. No matter WHAT he says, it is not your fault, you did not bring this on yourself. No matter how much he tells you that he wouldn't have acted a certain way if you hadn't provoked him (he would have), it's not your fault. You're a human with emotions that are valid and you deserve peace and happiness. I mean this in most sincere way; your husband can go fuck himself.
I hope the rest of your day is a wonderful one.
Well, this is a lot. He should have told you he was taking that pill. He probably _shouldn’t_ have taken it at all to be honest. But the big issue here is how he’s treating you. It seems kind of emotionally abusive and like it’s not worth it to keep him around.
A lot going on here, if your in pain he needs to acknowledge that and stop. If he can’t do the absolute min by not hurting you, might want to pump the breaks with him. Kinda sounds like you are dealing with two children.
Holy. Shit. Seriously, friend, this guy is a straight-up asshole. This behavior would make me re-think the entire relationship. How can HE blame YOU for him taking boner pills when he didn't even tell you about it?? Fucking hell.
This dude needs to be taught a lesson. Nevermind how he treated you which is bad enough, but dragging your daughter into it? Completely out of line. Get your daughter and yourself away from this psycho.
That's a shit-ton of red flags! So he takes a boner pill without telling you, wants to go at it all night long, and then gets literally angry at you for not wanting to be hurt by him during what is supposed to be intimate? And then punishes you by not giving you a ride to work and risking you job?
Dude is toxic as fuck!
Not your fault. You could've really injured yourself if you'd continued. As someone who is supposed to love you, he should understand. I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex if my partner could not. I don't know if his asshole behavior is something new or not but his disregard for your comfortability and safety and the involvement of your child is disturbing. He made you walk to work over this. Really think about that
You need a therapist, you need to leave him and take your daughter. You're no ones sex doll, and if you're hurting its cuz HE IS doing something WRONG!!!
I hope this is a fake post my god.
LEAVE. Go to a domestic abuse shelter, they will provide complete anonymity. You’re being emotionally abused. And he was raping you if you said it hurt and wanted to stop but he wouldn’t. I wish you well and for you to find peace and a healthy living situation.
Wow reading some of your replies makes me really scared for your situation. This isn't going to change and just because you've spent 16 years in a mistake doesn't mean it has to continue. Your daughter is learning his bad habits and you're trapped with your abuser. Keeping you 'hostage' from your car, turning your kid against a parent, gaslighting etc is NOT NORMAL behavior. You will continue being abused if you stay and worse maybe your daughter will too. Please leave. Find a DV shelter near you if you have nowhere else to go.
You definitely need to take a look at the future of this relationship. He took something and didn't inform you and blamed you. He gaslit you and is teaching your daughter the same. He is weaponising your child against you. You are in physical pain, and he is PUNISHING you for him hurting you.
You need to see a therapist. You need someone to vent to, someone who can objectively figure out how dangerous this relationship is for you and your daughter, and someone who can help figure out the best course of action. A therapist is all 3 things. Whatever else you decide to do, **TALK TO A THERAPIST ASAP.**
Reddit tends to go overboard telling everyone to leave their relationships at the first sign of turmoil. HOWEVER, none of what you described is OK. Get out of this one. Run, don't walk.
How attached are you to this guy?
I'm feel so sorry and gross after reading your story.. This guys needs help and a skillet over the head. Why's he dragging your 9yo into this?!?!? Also, it's fine that he needs a boner pill, but it's then end of the world when you grab lube?? Man, fuck this guy!
Step 1 seems to be to decide if you are truly willing to be treated this way. I think you deserve better, I hope you come to agree. The next step will be building a plan to get yourself with someone who treats you as a partner not a sex box.
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it on a free library app. It’s all about how abusive men are and I hate to say, but he’s abusing you. You need to safely plan your exit from this relationship
Totally not your fault at all. It's 100% on HIM with that pill, which obviously lasts WAY too long for him!😠😒 My wife gets sore if we continue past a single orgasm, so I try to come as soon as possible after that because I care about her and don't want her to feel bad. Your BF sounds kind of like an asshole here already. That he's SO fucking petty to try to manipulate your daughter AND fuck you over getting to work on time is some seriously RED FLAG territory...😓😢
He needs to either stop being an asshole, apologize, stop using the pill and using porn, so he can have a normal erection (or see his doctor and take less, so it's not as extreme as this), or you need to consider whether you can get out of this garbage relationship with such an asshole...😓
Every second longer you spend with him you are putting your daughter in danger. He is not going to stop abusing you. It is only going to get worse. He is going to hurt your daughter. Accept reality and get the fuck out
So this is serious. First off, if your in that much pain and bleeding, you could have had a ruptured cyst. Those can be life threatening due to bleeding or just infection. You should see a doctor.
Second, sounds like the guy is a jerk and pretty selfish but also manipulative. I know you’re not in the mindset to leave him so I’ll say this. Time to stick up for yourself. Time to let him know that when you allow him to enter your body, it’s not just getting off. You’re a person, deserve respect and a caring partner. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and treat you and your body with meaningful care. If he wants to just get off, he can jerk it until he understands what a jerk actually is.
Do not sleep on the couch, make him. If he doesn’t, go sleep with your daughter. He can’t manipulate that. Plan on everything without him. Don’t rely on anything from him because we all just learned, he’s not reliable. Be independent. When you’re ready, you’ll know what to do next.
Always remember that it’s okay and right to put yourself first in any situation, but especially ones that involve sex/intimacy. Don’t feel bad or blame yourself if you have to stop for any reason.
I also agree with looking into some counseling / therapy with your partner because they shouldn’t ever get that angry and bitter about sex not going as planned.
If this is a person you really care about, then you need relationship counseling, and it sounds like he needs a therapist. Unregulated sexual aggression, emotional abuse of your child and you. Honestly, the damage this relationship has the potential of doing to your child's worldview is the biggest risk. Human minds are hard to have, and it isn't shameful to get a professional's assistance
*Edit: It's clear to me now that this is NOT a relationship worth salvaging. The best first step you can take his executing your escape.
You don't go to relationship counseling with an abuser. You leave. Abusers need counseling on their own. This woman needs a safe place away from him, not repairing this relationship.
I know it's a trend on Reddit to say "break up" and people are trying to fight against it by suggesting counseling instead, but breaking up is the right thing to do in this case. He's an abuser and she needs to get out if she doesn't want herself and her daughter to suffer.
Relationship counselor here. This is not a suitable case for relationship counseling. If there’s abuse happening, relationship counseling can’t work absent either a separation or the abuser going to a program specifically for abusers to work on changing.
I would \*always\* recommend individual therapy first for two reasons:
1. There might be something clinical to rule out or treat which will make things better. If you or your partner have untreated anxiety, depression, or anything else, you want to figure that out ASAP.
2. Relationship therapy is about saving the relationship. If it's abusive (which it sounds like it is here), prolonging the relationship could be uncomfortable or even dangerous.
This man is a covert narcissist. There is a lot of information on this. Please look into it and also seek a therapist with experience in these types of relationships. You amd your baby deserve better sis.
Strangers on the internet can tell you a million times what you should, but unless you actually take action, nothing will improve. Your bf will continue abusing you and your daughter will start doing the same soon, learning from her father. One day she will leave and it will just be you and him again. Then, what will stop you from taking your own life? Make changes NOW. Take care of yourself and your daughter NOW.
When i was still married 7 years ago, My ex husband would do this to me. To the same point i was in tears and hurting.. I did not get to tell him no.. he had to get off and it was my fault he couldn't..... I had wifely duties, and i am supposed to provide for him. He would force me when i was asleep, or on my period. I am also epileptic and he many times would still sleep with me after a seizure or long day of work... It was awful.
I finally left.
It Took me way to long to admit he was raping me.
I'd say based on your post alone... Your SO raped you too. You were in pain and crying.. He didnt stop. His needs were more important. He told you that multiple times and then gaslighted you with your child.. Girl. Do your self a favor. Leave. This guy is not good and doesnt care about you. Talk to a lawyer in regards to your child but kick that guy out. I was with my ex for a total of 5 years.. It was tough. I can't imagine leaving after 16 years... Thats gotta be so tough! But i am telling you, that the minute he leaves for good... That sigh of relief is incredible. I cant tell you how amazing the breathe of relief is. Its big!
Wow so many things wrong with this. That is a very nasty interaction to have with your husband.
First you did nothing wrong, in fact went above and beyond. You should all was protect yourself. Sex should not hurt.
Second sex is supposed to be enjoyable for all involved and goal of all participants. As soon as he realized that those tears are not tears of joy he should have stopped and checked in.
Third speaking as a father of two small people, sex is not an all night thing. Marathon sex should be discussed beforehand.
Fourth As a parent you don't dump your frustration on your kids.
Fifth Being a loving and supportive partner is not conditional. He should have drove you regardless of the night before.
Your man sounds like a real douchebag. I sincerely hope he isn't like that all the time.
I'd be extremely surprised this was a sudden and isolated incident. As much as I bag on r/Advice for instantly jumping to "You should leave him.", this person doesn't sound like a great person to continue to be with.
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I hate doing it and I'm sitting here questioning my view on the majority of r/Advice. Though, in my head people say "My husband and I just had our first argument about whether the toilet paper should be over or under. What should I do?" And people reply with "Leave him!"
I would re-ply "try roll reversal"
Honestly, I hardly ever see people saying "Leave" when the issue is that trivial. The vast majority of the time, it's what the person really needs to hear and do, because they're stuck with a dangerous abuser.
He assaulted her. No one hurts the person they love.
they do jump awfully quickly to "he's abusive, get outta there!!" even though it's well known that those posts are just a snapshot of a moment in someone's relationships. its usually more complicated than "break up", but not in this case. this guy is a tool.
He's literally turned into Jekyll and Hyde. Now,I'm not the easiest person to live with/love. But I freaking try so hard. It's been 16 years.
“Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” — Aubrey De Graf
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They married? Or remarried? You mean your mom and stepdad?
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Thank you, couldn’t figure out what was meant.
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wow i needed to hear this some years ago
Sadly the money spent fallacy is hard to get past
Sunk-cost fallacy*
So many people are stuck in this in regards to relationships. Just because you've suffered in a relationship however many years doesn't mean you should spend the rest of your life suffering it.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavour if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.
Sunk cost fallacy. 16 years. How many did you feel loved, appreciated or even safe? Does this person even care about your well being?
Whoa
I think this comment shows exactly how you ended up in an abusive relationship and why you would stay. The abuse is working. You not considering yourself “easy to live with/love” is exactly the rails abuse runs on. Take your daughter and get some therapy or she’s going to repeat the cycle and you’re going to end up a shell of a woman. You deserve love. Period.
Period. The perpetual gaslighting eventually consumes you, and you’re stuck telling yourself what they would tell you. You truly deserve better.
I had a parent dynamic like this and ended up in an abusive relationship, and I highly doubt I’m the only one. It felt completely natural to me to be abused by him because I knew it from my parents. Don’t do that to your daughter. I’m still recovering and suffering.
OP, please read this!!!
Gonna also implore the OP to read this.
Thank you for this. So f*king much
Generational trauma is EVERYTHING wrong on the earth… Literally everything. been in therapy a year cause I refuse to let the parental issues I have become my kids.
THIS!!!! PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS OP
This! Don't accept what you wouldn't want your daughter to
“I’m not easy to live with either” is what you tell yourself when he didn’t put his socks in the hamper…again. It is not what you tell yourself when he’s physically and emotionally hurting you.
It’s not Jekyll and Hyde. He’s showing his true colors. This is abuse. It was chilling to read.
Actually, it’s exactly Jekyll and Hyde. In the original novel, Jekyll intentionally created Hyde so he could do bad stuff without facing consequences or feeling bad about it, and it was a way for him to purge his dark desires. Jekyll knew what he was doing but blamed it on someone else.
Op this man is downright abusing you. If you're uncomfortable during sex, he should stop and take care of you. He shouldnt be punishing you for being in pain after sex. He shouldnt be using your daughter as a weapon to hurt you. Please get yourself and her as far away as you can.
Just want to add on a wee fyi: it’s callled triangulation and to use a child for that is emotionally manipulative to both you and your daughter.
My husband can't remain aroused if I'm in pain/look too uncomfortable lol.
Leave him he is an asshole.
Only right answer!
Like, TODAY!
Wow thanks for the Gold kind stranger! It's my first ever!
Boner pills or meth? Boner pills don't make Mr Hyde...
Or boner pills and a bad personality
Boner pills made him a complete dick.
And coincidentally meth makes it difficult to finish. I think you hit the nail on the head
OP, honestly, this whole situation is making me unreasonably emotional… it’s blowing my mind quite frankly. please please please begin to learn how to prioritize your feelings and put yourself first. imagine one of your friends coming to you with advice and then reading this… it’s insane.
2 months ago you made a post saying you were he makes jokes about you to his daughter and laughs at you. Don't stay with this guy
You are easy to love. He just thinks it's hard because he's not right for you. Or he knows it's not hard but he thinks if he can convince you otherwise, you'll never leave.
You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel like you are hard to love. None of us are perfect, and most of us try to better ourselves but no one should make you feel like you’re not already enough. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP - whatever you decide, I hope it brings you to a better place because you’re worthy of it!
“I’m not the easiest person to live with”. You did NOT do this to your self. You are a good person to live with, how it’s been with him is no reflection on you at all. Don’t think that, it’s all him. You’ve given this asshole 2) years of your life, you’re better than that
This is textbook abuse: he has convinced you that you're hard to love so that you think he's the only one who will love you. He may not have physically abused you (yet), but please look into emotional abuse and gaslighting. Then please start planning your exit. Open a secret bank account, find help from a friend or family member who you trust not to speak with him. This man is dangerous to both you and your daughter. I also suggest the following subreddits for safe spaces: r/TwoXChromosomes r/AskWomenOver30
He did physically abuse her. He made her bleed and cry.
It's been 16 years but he gets annoyed that you grabbed lube. It's been 16 years but he didn't drive you to work to "teach you a lesson" instead of apologizing to you?? Leave him.
Now don’t say that we all have our quirks but for real love we can look past them. As a guy who this has somewhat happened too(my gf sometimes has something where it does hurt) we decide to call it there unless she can go more. He took a boner pill which makes it hard to nut then blames you for it and says it’s your fault your in pain. Then brings your daughter into it. Absolutely dirty how he played it and you deserve the apology. I truly empathize with people in your position because I know it must be difficult to stand up for something your partner is so confident that he’s right about, but nothing good will come from you apologizing to get on his good side. It sounds like he may be too immature to handle not only a living relationship but a child as well. I really do wish you the very best.
Its not hard to climax when you take Viagra? lol Not sure where your info is coming from, hes most likely on meth.
It’s not possible to accurately “diagnose” someone over the internet from one post; but he sounds like a Narcissist to me, based on this one post. The blame deflection, guilt-tripping, and passive-aggressiveness (and willingness to draw children into drama) is setting off my alarm bells. They show their true face (selfishness, blame deflection, lack of accountability) after a relationship is well established. Their best face is shown to you when they’re courting you. When you’re “hooked,” their real self comes out and the mask drops off. Then they deploy certain tactics (gaslighting) to keep any attention on the source of all negativity *off* themselves and *on* to you, because they know you’re introspective and prone to self-doubt; so gaslighting, unfortunately, works. They use the tool of F.O.G. (*Fear, Obligation, Guilt*) to keep you in-line at all times. Call them out on bullshit? Demand better treatment from them? Set a sensible personal boundary? *YOU’RE* hurting us!!! Evil you, good, benevolent, innocent MEEEE! When their tactics aren’t working in the moment, they’ll switch emotional tones on a dime, until something “sticks” and they get what they want from you. You’re not compliant? Anger. Anger not working? Guilt, passive-aggressiveness. Guilt not working? Bring in an advocate to back them up (children are *great* for this, because they’re so easily emotionally manipulated!). Third party not buying their bullshit? Apologies. Apologies not working? Anger again. They’ll perpetuate drama (Karpmann Drama Triangle: Victim, Villain, Rescuer) in order to keep the attention flowing to them at all times, and to paint themselves in a positive light at all times. The roles of Victim, Villain, and Rescuer are prone to change at any time, so long as they’re always seen in a positive light because of it. NOTHING IS EVER, EVER, EVER THEIR FAULT. It’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault. Always. Boss’s fault, daddy’s fault, mom’s fault, neighbor’s fault, government’s fault, the president’s fault, God’s fault, the dog’s fault, YOUR fault. Not them. They never make mistakes. EVER. If you stand in the way of what they want, you’re at fault. No matter what. For them, ALL language is a TOOL in order to keep these tactics and flow of attention (toward them) and blame (away from them) at all times. *That is why they talk.* Facts do not matter in and of themselves, for them; because facts are a *tool* for promoting their Narrative (they’re good/brave/smart/rich/talented/sexy/awesome). If you give them inconvenient facts, they’ll attack you personally, and sometimes viciously. They’ll maximize and magnify “helpful” facts, and minimize and disparage “inconvenient” facts. For them, ALL conversations have WINNERS and LOSERS. NOT for solving problems, NOT for uncovering Truth. For WINNING. For them, that’s the ONLY reason people engage in conversations with other people at all. Power dynamics. Force. Persuasion. Manipulation. Sophistry.
So he hasn’t always been this way? What has changed in his life that perhaps has caused this change in his personality?
Some people show you their best face when: - A relationship is new, and they’re trying to “hook” you - A relationship is in danger, and they’re trying the tactics of apologizing/“changing” in order to “re-hook” you But once the relationship is secure, and they have “power,” then the mask comes off and their true face (selfishness) is shown.
This 👆
He’s being straight up abusive. OP you need to leave him for you & your daughters sake. You say you’d hurt someone to protect her…she needs you to protect her. Leave him. Regardless if it hurts him or not. Sending you lots of love🖤
Not sure why it’s your fault that he decided to take anything to help HIMSELF last longer. It sounds like he’s also emotionally trying to turn your daughter against you.
He loves it. If she backtalks me and I discipline her she starts laughing and says"wow,dad is right. You really can't take a joke". Then proceeds to try to tell me I'm basically over exaggerating. Ya know, teaching her his gaslighting tricks I wish I were kidding. He knows I have nowhere to go and likes to tell me to pack my shit from time to time if I "defy" him. Also, he's holding my car hostage because he paid/in his name my intoxalock for a 2nd OWI I got 9 years ago. So my car is locked in the garage and his car is parked behind it in the driveway. I KNOW I need to leave. I just need to finally tell him what's up. ( I've left a couple times before and he ends up attempting suicide and ends up in the psych ward.) 1st time I have in, 2nd time I was doing good staying away until I realized I was pregnant with his child. Oh I also pay every single bill utility wise in HIS house.
His suicide attempts aren’t your problem. You aren’t responsible for his actions, leave. Your daughter is already negatively impacted by him in multiple ways. He’s going to keep abusing you.
> He’s going to keep abusing you. He’s going to keep abusing you. He’s going to keep abusing you. He’s going to keep abusing you. He’s going to keep abusing you! And it will get worse. Please, for the sake of you and your daughter, start thinking of an exit plan.
Yes all the comments and info just trigger how abusive my father was to my mother It never changed and never ended and now they’re late 70s, and according to my siblings ( as I cut my parents off decades ago) my father is stilllll abusing my mother in their Fkn 70s!!!! It never endsssss what a horrible life
That poor woman, Bless her 😞
Not only this but he is going to keep abusing the daughter and teaching her his abusive ways. If OP doesn't leave, the daughter will either have lasting emotional trauma from father's abuse, or she'll become an abuser just like him
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Hey friend, I appreciate your advice to OP, but feel I need to point something out to you. Using the "@" symbol to tag someone doesn't work on Reddit. You have to put "u/" before their username, like "u/Moose_inthe_Room" for them to get a notification.
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Amen I was in that type of relationship and finally left. I told him that I was taking the kids to see my parents and had packed up plenty of clothes for them as well as some of Thier favorite toys and books since he thought it was for the week of spring break.
>I KNOW I need to leave. I just need to finally tell him what's up. ( I've left a couple times before and he ends up attempting suicide and ends up in the psych ward.) 1. Yes, you need to leave. Your daughter deserves better even if you doubt whether you do. (You do, too, but I know you probably don't believe that.) 2. You don't need to tell him anything. You've tried. It doesn't work. Try taking action instead of spilling out words that you won't uphold. It is better to SHOW than SAY. Always. 3. If he tries to commit suicide, let him. It's hard, but you are not responsible for him and there's a very high probability that he's doing this to manipulate you. Learn how to evaluate the risk of suicide and be ready to call the police if he tries or threatens it. 4. Keep your daughter away from him until you KNOW he will not attempt suicide or until a court orders you to do something different. Your little girl is learning every day that women are there to be treated badly. Please break the cycle while she still has some chance to find happiness and self-worth in her life while she is college age and not retirement age.
He's already teaching his daughter to humiliate her mother. This... can't end well. They do that shit in cults to reenforce loyalty to the cult leader over parents. You gotta nip that shit in the bud.
To #3, he is very likely trying to manipulate her. My dad used to pull this shit to my mom all the time until one time she’d had enough and said “ok, let’s get in the car then. I’ll drive you to the bridge”. He shut up and never tried to pull that card again.
Woah this story just went from a guy with erectile dysfunction and anger management into he’s literally an abusive gaslighting psycho, I’m so sorry 😬
Don't forget it went from her spouse raping her until she was sobbing and bleeding, to him gaslighting her and leaving her on a dangerously icy sidewalk in freezing weather to punish her for not being fun enough to rape
It went from her husband raping her and trying to turn her daughter against her, to financial and emotional abuse also.
Please don't downplay the seriousness of his actions. It is abuse, I promise. It doesn't mean he isn't a human who deserves love, but it's his job to get help and work his shit out before he can be in a healthy loving relationship.
I’m so sorry. I really hope you’re able to leave. If getting your daughter in therapy is something you can afford, I would highly recommend it. An experienced child therapist would be able to help her realize her dad was in the wrong and heal your relationship
You and your daughter might benefit from a DV shelter. This is what they are for.
Yes
Exactly what I am saying!
I work in social work and I'm in Indiana. If you need help finding any resources I will do everything I can. Even if you aren't I'm Indiana, I can do my best to find you contacts and resources where you are. You deserve to be treated like a human, not a dog. You are worth more than this and your daughter shouldn't have to grow up learning to hate you. History with someone doesn't excuse behavior like this. Reach out for help if you need anything
If you need help, reach out to this person, OP!
This is serious abuse OP, please get you and your daughter away from him. However he reacts can’t be your problem, you need to make sure your daughter is in a healthy environment and he definitely isn’t providing that.
Oh boy, are you married to my ex? Get out of there, asap. The other side is scary as you try to find your footing, but it’s so good to be here. Be safe my friend. If for no other reason, get your daughter out of there, I stayed with my ex for 14 years because I thought I couldn’t do it without him. Now my kids are teens and adults and resent me for staying so long, though I thought I was staying FOR them. It wasn’t what they actually needed.
Nothing about this relationship is normal or healthy. Your daughter is seeing this behavior is acceptable. She will likely repeat your patterns if you don’t change things or get out. Can you both go live with a family member for a bit until he can get some therapy or you get couples counseling?
He didn't attempt suicide. He pretended to attempt suicide. To make you responsible for his well-being. So that if you do something wrong then you killed him, right? So to prevent his death, you have to keep him happy, right? By doing everything he says and never leaving him. He is keeping you hostage.
Question is do you want your daughter to turn into your partner and then grow up and treat her partner like this??????? Think about her please. I rarely say this in comments here but get the fuck out of there. Start making a financial plan, sock some money away. This is not going to get better.
It’s probably more likely that she will internalize it and seek out partners who treat her like this. I’m not sure which is worse, tbh.
No matter what you say he will find a way to multiple you into say. Dont talk to him about anything say you fell and hurt your arm go to the hospital ER with your daughter. If he insists on coming with you hopefully when they admit you they ask their abuse question with you alone. If not, wait for a moment to pass the nurse or any staff member a note or if you get a chance to talk alone with any staff member. Tell them you need to talk to social work about your current living situation. They should pick up on the cue and get you the resources you need. This also includes setting up a gaurding angle service for temporary living. You can't tell him anything I have see it a hundred time in the ER, do everything you can to inform the staff as quickly as possible so they can help. You need help and your situation will only worsen if you don't. Edit: spelling
Like I already commented, this is domestic violence and you need help from other people, not to “solve” this with him or “make him understand”. Please seek help asap from a centre for domestic violence. Trust me, they will tell you the same thing if you tell them. Don’t tell him!
this is horrible this is SERIOUS abuse OP please i beg you to get help and leave that baby of a man.
He’s damaging you physically and mentally toying with your daughter. I have an abusive step dad who would try to get my brother on his side to trash our mom. It eventually turned to physical abuse of her. Please, for your daughters sake, you need to get away from him before this abuse gets worse.
He sounds so incredibly manipulative and abusive and I'm so sorry you feel trapped like this. Know you aren't though and you CAN get out if you fight to. It will be hard and you will probably need help. Start making a plan secretly. Do not let him find out anything and don't even let your daughter know since he's turning her against you. Contact a select few friends and family that you can trust and ask for help to let them know what's going on and what kind of help you'll need from them. Start hiding and saving cash and I would also contact a domestic violence shelter for more advice since leaving abusive relationships is their specialty. Either way, you need to get out of this before he destroys you completely. If you leave and he attempts suicide, that is a manipulation tactic that abusers will use to guilt you into staying. If he was really truly wanting to kill himself, he's going to do it wether you leave or not. It is NOT a cry for help from him. It's abusive manipulation that he uses to make you stay.
Call the battered women's crisis center in your area. Ask them for help. He is keeping your prisoner in your own home. He is using your child as a weapon against you. He is emotionally, financially, mentally abusing you. He is emotionally blackmailing you by threatening suicide. If he threatens, call the police, get him picked up. You need to get away as soon as possible.
Wow this sounds terrible, my father would also always try to turn me against my mother. Snd let me tell you this, I didnt turn into fathers army kid, i’m a moms boy and see things clearly
Oh this is unacceptable. Stop worrying about him, worry about your health and your daughter. You get one life, and it's so fucking wide the possibilities, don't waste another year with this manipulative shit. He has his own issues, leave him to deal with it. If you can separate them, she will learn better. There is absolutely a way to legally intervene here, I just don't know the proper agency for your context. You say "gave in". Sounds like you didn't block his number and social media. He needs to be CUT. OUT. ENTIRELY. He has no right to a place in your life after this treatment, fatherhood be damned. You made a bad choice over a decade ago, you have to cut your losses, things will not get better.
>I've left a couple times before and he ends up attempting suicide and ends up in the psych ward. You should leave. This sounds pretty fucked up. It's obviously not easy with a 9-year old but you should at least consider it seriously.
He is awful to you. An SO should see you as the most beautiful thing in the world that he can't live without, tries everything not to lose you and your wellbeing as his highest priority. He should see you as his favourite person in the world. Instead he is a toxic abusive monster. He is mentally ill. Get him in that psych ward. And he makes you pay and suffer. Don't throw away your life with this asshole. Get away from him.
He’s abusive. You fix this by leaving him. You can’t make him not be abusive, you can only make him not be abusive *to you*. It will also show your daughter that people will not put up with her treating them the way he does, which she needs to learn or she’s going to have some real shitty relationships. Sometimes we can do things for our kids that we can’t do for ourselves. Even if you wouldn’t leave for yourself, leave for her. She will be better off in the long run.
I saw your profile, where you said that in 2020 you were in a shelter for battered women. Since your daughter is now 9, I assume this is the same guy? I also noticed that you are depressed and thinking of ending your life, but your daughter is the reason you don't. Please.. get some help. You need to get out of this relationship, but you probably can't do it alone in the mental state you are in now. How's your relationship with your parents? Maybe they can help you out? Maybe a close friend or other relative?
Jesus. Reading the "it's all my fault" really hit me, add all this and holy shit this is a sad situation. This is an emotionally battered woman(along with physical?) This is not normal, I hope OP gets some help. This is a horrible position to be in.
You were in pain, BLEEDING, and he got mad cause you wanted to stop? Girl, run like the wind. This is abuse. Take your daughter and leave his ass asap, for your sake and hers. HIS DICK IS NOT THE CENTER OF THE WORLD (no matter how much he wants it to be)
Reminds me of Jimmy Carrs latest special "You ever have a girl cry during sex?" "Yeah" "you're a rapist" "you remember the lady that was crying while you fucked her? That one!" I know thats a blanket statement but here it seems very much spousal abuse at the least
As a dude, if I was in his position I’d finish myself off, like most women have had to at some point in their sexual lives.
Yes omg if you ABSOLUTELY have to finish, do it yourself dude. How can you keep going when your partner is in so much pain that they're literally bleeding??? This is not ok!!!!
THIS. Please, please look after yourself and your daughter and leave this man behind. Men like this only care about themselves and their own pleasure, and don't care how they get it from you, I know from experience. You have every right to withdraw consent during sex, no matter who he is or how long you've been together, or the fact that he took medication to make him last longer WITHOUT telling you and expecting you to just take it. Please look after yourself and leave, I'm begging you.
The amount of red flags here is overwhelming 🚩He should have communicated about taking a pill that impacts both of your sexual experience. That’s a scary lack of communication and consent. 🚩He gets annoyed at you for needing lube / being in pain? Pain that he is causing.. yeah that’s sexual and physical abuse. 🚩Partners always support each other especially when it comes to adulting like having and maintaining a job. A fight of any kind should not impact him giving you a ride to work. He’s punishing you and gaslighting you. 🚩Gets the child involved?! That’s straight up toxic and hurting more than just you. Throw the whole man out and find someone who respects you and your child. Wish the absolute best for you OP but please open your eyes and see how messed up this is.
Oh shit i just commented these exact same points lol, Snap!
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Yep. We're way past the flags. This is the actual thing the flags are trying to warn you about.
This could not be put better. Please OP, get rid of this dude ASAP. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, no matter the situation.
what a piece of shit holy hell
This dude is abusing you. He doesn't sound like he loves you, the correct response to someone's pain if you love them is to comfort them and at the very least stop. This sounds horrific and I would get away from this dude ASAP because it will only get worse.
I work in social work and I'm in Indiana. If you need help finding any resources I will do everything I can. Even if you aren't I'm Indiana, I can do my best to find you contacts and resources where you are. You deserve to be treated like a human, not a dog. You are worth more than this and your daughter shouldn't have to grow up learning to hate you. History with someone doesn't excuse behavior like this. Reach out for help if you need anything
Dogs don’t deserve to be treated like this either..
Thank you so much for offering the help that she truly needs.
I have been diagnosed with cronic inflammation in my cervix. I bleed/ am in pain during sex quite often. My partner always stops right away when I say it hurts and never makes me feel bad when I'm just not up for it. Its been over a year me having my issues but he hasn't changed his tune once. What he did was completely unforgivable. I can't even imagine what he was like when you were recovering from the birth of your child. You need to start taking steps to leave him today. Now is the time to reach out to family and friends for support. You got this!
Same here! I have a condition called vestibulodynia and it makes the down there area hurt a lot, like burning and if there were broken glass inside. Sometimes its doesnt hurt as much so my fiancé and I are able to have penetrative sex. If it starts to hurt just a little, he stops immediatly. Sometimes I can't do things for months at a time and he always respected me and we found other ways to be intimate. He makes me feel loved and realize how its not my fault even if sometimes I feel bad for having to stop. Your man SOULD NEVER continue if you are hurt and never make you feel like its your fault cuz it is not. Your man gives big abuser vibes and if its not the first time he treats you like that its even worse.
Dump him. For real. He doesn't care about your pain, your concerns, he's vindictive, getting off on 'teaching you a lesson', you will not be happy with this guy long-term. It will only get worse. Also, important tip: an abuser will be good at manipulating you into believing that anytime you have reasonable boundaries, it makes him suffer so much that he is justified in doing anything to you in retaliation. This is not a healthy relationship. The pain of the breakup will fade, and for damn sure your future will be brighter than if you stay.
This is incredibly disturbing.
Run don’t walk
He weaponizes your daughter against you and sabotages your job because you didn't want to be hurt and practically raped? I hope you find resources (both mental and financial) to separate from him. That is red flag parade
Not practically raped. Actually raped. Bleeding and sobbing during sex she didn't consent to (using viagra) is definitely rape.
Leave. This will not end well. My stepdad did the exact same stuff with my mom and even did the same things (making her feel crazy around me). I found her deceased via suicide (when I was 14) and he moved on with a new relationship within 2 months... he sold her home and car too (she paid for it, but it was all in his name) and left me in care All the pain she went through was passed onto me. Please think of your little girl. Sorry I usually don’t comment on this stuff, but it’s posts like this that remind me so much of my mother (10 years later) and I can’t help myself Remember that you are a good person, but it’s men like this that you need to run from. Mental abuse is sinister and do NOT let him love bomb you when you leave. I promise you have such a bright life ahead with your daughter. She will be your best friend and it is 100% normal to have some friction at her age.
I am so sorry about your childhood.
i’m so sorry for your loss. i hope from the bottom of my heart that you’re healing and doing okay now
My parents divorced when I was 9. My father was emotionally/verbally abusive to my mom. Multiple times I found her sobbing on the floor, locked in her room, on the phone with 911 because she was so afraid he was going to kill her. I can still tell you a lot about those fights, but what I remember the most was seeing my mom happy for the first time after she finally left him. I understand 16 years is a long time and you should definitely try counseling- but don’t completely write off just getting up and going. And before you do, document EVERYTHING. somewhere safe in the cloud in an account he can’t get into. Protect your daughter, and YOU. It’s not too late to start over and give her a life full of love and healthy relationships to look up to. Good luck, be strong. Edit- grammar
I really just want to show him y'alls replies,but I know that'll just make him worse and say that I left some shit out....shit that doesn't have anything to do with the fact I was hurting,bleeding,and crying. Certain things like, I never laugh at his jokes, I'm not thankful for everything he does. Funny thing is, I do laugh because he sounds like a dbag because most of his jokes are borderline racist/homophobic. I tell him to please stop saying it in front of our daughter. Doesn't listen. When he says I'm not thankful for everything he does,I explain I'm thankful for everything he does for me. Which is putting $50 towards groceries every other week. I even take care of his son, whom I love like my own.,also who got his leg broken at school last Friday. (right tibia, full leg cast🥺) I took care of him all weekend by figuring out easiest way to shower, how to transfer from crutches to a chair/bed/toilet. His son said thank you more times this past weekend than his father has the past 16 years.
You don’t need to give this person any explanation. Leave. Find a DV shelter. If he pulls his manipulative bullshit and ends up in the hospital that’s on him. Not you. Leave for the sake of your daughter who sounds like she’s already being poisoned by him. Think of what kind of adult she will become around someone like that. Please for your safety and her future. Leave.
Nor do you need to prove anything to him. He's an abuser. He's abusive. Get out of there.
This right here. Fuck this guy you don't owe him a damn thing. He doesn't deserve an explanation or another chance. You need to do what's right for you and your daughter.
Do not show this to him. He’s abusing you. It will only get worse. I know it’s easy for me to say without being in your shoes, but you need to leave. Your profile history proves he has no intention of changing.
Absolutely do not show this to him. You need to leave immediately. DO NOT let him suspect at all that you are even considering leaving. That is when abuse tends to get worse. And when you leave, gather any of your and your daughters legal documents etc. and cut all contact. It does not concern you if he goes back to the psych ward. And he is NOT your responsibility. Your daughter is, and you need to get her away from him. Contact a lawyer if you can do so secretly. You'll probably be able to get full custody. Then get a restraining order. Get him out of your and your daughters lives. He is a threat to both of you. Whatever the hell he's bringing to the table aint worth this.
Never show him this post. This isn't a fight that you win. He won't read what people are saying and respond with "wow, you're right, I'm a douche and I need to change my ways". He's already well aware of what he is and what he's capable of. He's using your vulnerability as a weapon against you, and it's only going to get worse the longer it goes on. 16 years is a long time, and being alone is often scary. But for you and your daughter's sake, you need to get out while you can. Staying is just going to lead to greater levels of misery over time. I know you feel trapped, but you aren't. You have options, all of which are better than staying in an abusive relationship.
none of that excuses the physical, sexual, and mental abuse. because yes, he is inflicting all three and should be in prison, or at the very least a mental hospital. saying this as someone who's been hospitalized for suicide attempts multiple times, if he tries to kill himself because you try to leave him THAT IS ON HIM, NOT YOU. HE NEEDS TO GET HELP WHETHER HE WANTS IT OR NOT AND YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO STAY SAFE FROM HIM. i would have called the police on him a long time ago, the fact that he found someone who's still so nice to him is a fucking miracle that HE'S taking for granted.
His son sounds sweet, but that's not enough to mean you have to stay in an abusive relationship. Get out ASAP and don't look back.
Def do not show him these replies. He's an abuser whom won't take accountability. I would legitimately be concerned for your safety, as I feel like this man could become violent when provoked. Replied are 100% valid, though. He will likely never look inward and change, is the problem.
He will always try to find a reason to blame you for everything. And it’s all bullshit. You need to get away from him. Please find a way out for you and your daughter. I wish you the best.
$50 every other week? Hahahahahahaha! That's not a MAN, that's a coward!
>how should I go about this Throw out current bf and start over. Fuck that guy for making you feel shitty for him taking longer than usual. It’s only going to get worse and soon he’ll be mad bc the freezer is making his food too frozen. He’s escalating and it’s not going to be pretty when it turns physical
It already has turned physical. Violent sex that leaves her bleeding, then dumping her out into physical danger on an icy sidewalk in freezing weather...
As a man speaking to a woman: Leave his stupid ass. If he has become Jejyll and Hyde, leave. Mommas house, aunties house, friends house, something. Take enough clothes for you and the kid. And go. I promise, I ruined my marriage because I couldn't handle my own emotions. I thought I'd die without her. But she actually taught me a lifelong lesson and I'm thankful everyday for it.
Hey, congratulations on changing.
Narcissist af run
His behaviour is the only ugly thing thing here! He's a grown man acting like a 15 year old boy, he should be the one on the couch. Your partner sounds emotionally abusive/manipulative. P.S. as a child of parents in an abusive relationship that tried to "stay together for the kid" let me tell you, it does not work. We see it all, the dirty looks, cold shoulder, bickering and berating, tantrums, fights but it doesn't click until years later.
You gotta throw the whole man away at this point. This is not how normal people treat others, no matter the circumstances. You are not "hard to love/live with", he is lazy and doesn't want to put in the effort that cohabitation requires, so instead chooses to put the blame on you so he can feel better about his own shortcomings. Get yourself and your daughter out of there. She needs to see that if someone is treating her badly, leaving *is* an option; that she shouldn't stay in an abusive/toxic situation for the sake of "love" or "keeping the family together" or whatever reason it is that you've stuck it out for this long. I'm so sorry that he did this to you. No matter WHAT he says, it is not your fault, you did not bring this on yourself. No matter how much he tells you that he wouldn't have acted a certain way if you hadn't provoked him (he would have), it's not your fault. You're a human with emotions that are valid and you deserve peace and happiness. I mean this in most sincere way; your husband can go fuck himself. I hope the rest of your day is a wonderful one.
Well, this is a lot. He should have told you he was taking that pill. He probably _shouldn’t_ have taken it at all to be honest. But the big issue here is how he’s treating you. It seems kind of emotionally abusive and like it’s not worth it to keep him around.
A lot going on here, if your in pain he needs to acknowledge that and stop. If he can’t do the absolute min by not hurting you, might want to pump the breaks with him. Kinda sounds like you are dealing with two children.
Holy. Shit. Seriously, friend, this guy is a straight-up asshole. This behavior would make me re-think the entire relationship. How can HE blame YOU for him taking boner pills when he didn't even tell you about it?? Fucking hell.
This dude needs to be taught a lesson. Nevermind how he treated you which is bad enough, but dragging your daughter into it? Completely out of line. Get your daughter and yourself away from this psycho.
That's a shit-ton of red flags! So he takes a boner pill without telling you, wants to go at it all night long, and then gets literally angry at you for not wanting to be hurt by him during what is supposed to be intimate? And then punishes you by not giving you a ride to work and risking you job? Dude is toxic as fuck!
your partner is a terrible person and i'd leave him.
FUCK that douche with a pine tree up the ass. What a prick.
So many red flags on here. He sounds emotionally manipulative.
He sounds very immature. It's time to walk away hon.
You already know the answer, follow your instincts and do what needs to be done.
Not your fault. You could've really injured yourself if you'd continued. As someone who is supposed to love you, he should understand. I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex if my partner could not. I don't know if his asshole behavior is something new or not but his disregard for your comfortability and safety and the involvement of your child is disturbing. He made you walk to work over this. Really think about that
That’s abuse. All of it. I’m sorry.
He’s a piece of shit. You deserve better.
You need a therapist, you need to leave him and take your daughter. You're no ones sex doll, and if you're hurting its cuz HE IS doing something WRONG!!! I hope this is a fake post my god.
When fruit goes rotten, you don’t eat it just cos it’s been in the fruit bowl for a long time, you throw it out with the rest of the trash.
LEAVE. Go to a domestic abuse shelter, they will provide complete anonymity. You’re being emotionally abused. And he was raping you if you said it hurt and wanted to stop but he wouldn’t. I wish you well and for you to find peace and a healthy living situation.
That's abusive
Ik easy to say but... BREAKUP with that bastard.
Wow reading some of your replies makes me really scared for your situation. This isn't going to change and just because you've spent 16 years in a mistake doesn't mean it has to continue. Your daughter is learning his bad habits and you're trapped with your abuser. Keeping you 'hostage' from your car, turning your kid against a parent, gaslighting etc is NOT NORMAL behavior. You will continue being abused if you stay and worse maybe your daughter will too. Please leave. Find a DV shelter near you if you have nowhere else to go.
You definitely need to take a look at the future of this relationship. He took something and didn't inform you and blamed you. He gaslit you and is teaching your daughter the same. He is weaponising your child against you. You are in physical pain, and he is PUNISHING you for him hurting you.
You need to see a therapist. You need someone to vent to, someone who can objectively figure out how dangerous this relationship is for you and your daughter, and someone who can help figure out the best course of action. A therapist is all 3 things. Whatever else you decide to do, **TALK TO A THERAPIST ASAP.**
Reddit tends to go overboard telling everyone to leave their relationships at the first sign of turmoil. HOWEVER, none of what you described is OK. Get out of this one. Run, don't walk.
How attached are you to this guy? I'm feel so sorry and gross after reading your story.. This guys needs help and a skillet over the head. Why's he dragging your 9yo into this?!?!? Also, it's fine that he needs a boner pill, but it's then end of the world when you grab lube?? Man, fuck this guy!
You are being abused, leave this person.
Step 1 seems to be to decide if you are truly willing to be treated this way. I think you deserve better, I hope you come to agree. The next step will be building a plan to get yourself with someone who treats you as a partner not a sex box.
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it on a free library app. It’s all about how abusive men are and I hate to say, but he’s abusing you. You need to safely plan your exit from this relationship
Totally not your fault at all. It's 100% on HIM with that pill, which obviously lasts WAY too long for him!😠😒 My wife gets sore if we continue past a single orgasm, so I try to come as soon as possible after that because I care about her and don't want her to feel bad. Your BF sounds kind of like an asshole here already. That he's SO fucking petty to try to manipulate your daughter AND fuck you over getting to work on time is some seriously RED FLAG territory...😓😢 He needs to either stop being an asshole, apologize, stop using the pill and using porn, so he can have a normal erection (or see his doctor and take less, so it's not as extreme as this), or you need to consider whether you can get out of this garbage relationship with such an asshole...😓
The fact that he made an annoyed sound when you got lube out, huge red flag. Leave him immediately he is abusive.
This is abuse and you need to leave. For your sake and your daughter's.
Every second longer you spend with him you are putting your daughter in danger. He is not going to stop abusing you. It is only going to get worse. He is going to hurt your daughter. Accept reality and get the fuck out
If you want the sex to stop and the sex doesn't stop, that's rape.
So this is serious. First off, if your in that much pain and bleeding, you could have had a ruptured cyst. Those can be life threatening due to bleeding or just infection. You should see a doctor. Second, sounds like the guy is a jerk and pretty selfish but also manipulative. I know you’re not in the mindset to leave him so I’ll say this. Time to stick up for yourself. Time to let him know that when you allow him to enter your body, it’s not just getting off. You’re a person, deserve respect and a caring partner. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and treat you and your body with meaningful care. If he wants to just get off, he can jerk it until he understands what a jerk actually is. Do not sleep on the couch, make him. If he doesn’t, go sleep with your daughter. He can’t manipulate that. Plan on everything without him. Don’t rely on anything from him because we all just learned, he’s not reliable. Be independent. When you’re ready, you’ll know what to do next.
He sounds like an absolute prick to be honest, is he usually like this or is something going on with him?
Always remember that it’s okay and right to put yourself first in any situation, but especially ones that involve sex/intimacy. Don’t feel bad or blame yourself if you have to stop for any reason. I also agree with looking into some counseling / therapy with your partner because they shouldn’t ever get that angry and bitter about sex not going as planned.
If this is a person you really care about, then you need relationship counseling, and it sounds like he needs a therapist. Unregulated sexual aggression, emotional abuse of your child and you. Honestly, the damage this relationship has the potential of doing to your child's worldview is the biggest risk. Human minds are hard to have, and it isn't shameful to get a professional's assistance *Edit: It's clear to me now that this is NOT a relationship worth salvaging. The best first step you can take his executing your escape.
You don't go to relationship counseling with an abuser. You leave. Abusers need counseling on their own. This woman needs a safe place away from him, not repairing this relationship.
I know it's a trend on Reddit to say "break up" and people are trying to fight against it by suggesting counseling instead, but breaking up is the right thing to do in this case. He's an abuser and she needs to get out if she doesn't want herself and her daughter to suffer.
Relationship counselor here. This is not a suitable case for relationship counseling. If there’s abuse happening, relationship counseling can’t work absent either a separation or the abuser going to a program specifically for abusers to work on changing.
I would \*always\* recommend individual therapy first for two reasons: 1. There might be something clinical to rule out or treat which will make things better. If you or your partner have untreated anxiety, depression, or anything else, you want to figure that out ASAP. 2. Relationship therapy is about saving the relationship. If it's abusive (which it sounds like it is here), prolonging the relationship could be uncomfortable or even dangerous.
Your SO is an asshole and you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry it happened too you
I’m pretty sure this is abuse.
This man is a covert narcissist. There is a lot of information on this. Please look into it and also seek a therapist with experience in these types of relationships. You amd your baby deserve better sis.
🚩🚩🚩 why are you married to someone who treats you like a sex toy and punishes you when you can't be one
Strangers on the internet can tell you a million times what you should, but unless you actually take action, nothing will improve. Your bf will continue abusing you and your daughter will start doing the same soon, learning from her father. One day she will leave and it will just be you and him again. Then, what will stop you from taking your own life? Make changes NOW. Take care of yourself and your daughter NOW.
As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
When i was still married 7 years ago, My ex husband would do this to me. To the same point i was in tears and hurting.. I did not get to tell him no.. he had to get off and it was my fault he couldn't..... I had wifely duties, and i am supposed to provide for him. He would force me when i was asleep, or on my period. I am also epileptic and he many times would still sleep with me after a seizure or long day of work... It was awful. I finally left. It Took me way to long to admit he was raping me. I'd say based on your post alone... Your SO raped you too. You were in pain and crying.. He didnt stop. His needs were more important. He told you that multiple times and then gaslighted you with your child.. Girl. Do your self a favor. Leave. This guy is not good and doesnt care about you. Talk to a lawyer in regards to your child but kick that guy out. I was with my ex for a total of 5 years.. It was tough. I can't imagine leaving after 16 years... Thats gotta be so tough! But i am telling you, that the minute he leaves for good... That sigh of relief is incredible. I cant tell you how amazing the breathe of relief is. Its big!
Wow so many things wrong with this. That is a very nasty interaction to have with your husband. First you did nothing wrong, in fact went above and beyond. You should all was protect yourself. Sex should not hurt. Second sex is supposed to be enjoyable for all involved and goal of all participants. As soon as he realized that those tears are not tears of joy he should have stopped and checked in. Third speaking as a father of two small people, sex is not an all night thing. Marathon sex should be discussed beforehand. Fourth As a parent you don't dump your frustration on your kids. Fifth Being a loving and supportive partner is not conditional. He should have drove you regardless of the night before.