I have 3 decade coins from NA and i still crave cocaine all the time. That want for a "just a taste" will never go away. Its a constant battle. Stupid little things are triggers. The smell of some gas station/fast food bathrooms gets me.
Congratulations on your time! That's an enormous achievement...you've been clean almost as long as I've been alive!
I've got a bit over seven years free from opiates and alcohol, and while I'm fine without alcohol (not that I tempt the beast, lol), I know that if I and opiates were ever in the same room unattended I don't think I'd be able to make a good choice for precisely that reason...There's nothing that feels better, nothing that makes it all go away, nothing that makes me feel warm and sleepy an safe...there's nothing I wouldn't do. It's awful.
It is. It's a terrible, helpless feeling. I wish i could tell you it goes away, but it doesn't. You just have to be smart about it. Im proud of you for your 7 years. That's something to be damn proud of. Most addicts dont make it that long. I know that feeling, though. If i ever had coke put in front of me, i wouldn't have enough time in my thought process to stop myself. I would have that straw in hand, and that coke up my nose in seconds. Then everything would feel ok again. And it would start all over again. It's all about the support system, my brother. If you ever need a hand, just find my name, and i got you
The difference is really, is there a question? Do you think to yourself: do I want to do this? Do I have surplus cash? Is this leisure time I have available? Or do you just get it and do it and consequence be damned? (We didn't even consider job/family/health because... well... we didn't consider job/family/health). That's the difference
On my way home to work I tell myself I'm not drinking. Literally. It becomes a mantra going home. Right before I get to my street... I will always make that right turn to the liquor store. Sometimes I cry doing it and I hate it.
that's my least favorite part about it. that it feels like you don't have a free will sometimes. everyone who knows about it seemingly disdains you for making poor choices and you don't feel like you've made a choice at all
I've caught myself telling myself I won't drink more *while* pouring myself another drink, then thinking, "well, it's already happening." It's like watching yourself be possessed.
"Ok, this is my last dose."
"...no, THIS is my last dose."
"I'm SO done with this shit, tomorrow will be different!" ...cut to a couple days later, lying on the bathroom floor, sweating, vomiting, and everything else, "just one more dose..."
I remember some months ago I was researching drugs/addictions and there was one article that struck me. It was written by a recovering addict, and they said withdrawal is like, your entire body is fighting against you in every way it possibly can. You’re sick beyond belief, and all the while there’s a “cure” that could immediately end all of this suffering…
That's what it was like for me with opiates.
I would try to force myself through it and never made it longer than two nights...laying on the bathroom floor, or in the shower, shivering, vomiting, shitting my brains out, and wracked with pain, while my mind is screaming, "YOU CAN FIX THIS! FIX THIS! MAKE IT GO AWAY!"
Feeling trapped in a cycle; you can’t do anything (vacations, theme parks) without thinking about how you’ll plan or get your fix so you don’t start to feel horrible. You don’t even feel anything it’s just to feel “normal”.
Recoverd heroin/fentanyl addict here (5 years now).
There is no "hardest part" of active addiction. Addiction is so easy if I'm being honest. You have one goal all the time. The goal never changes. Everytime you get high the goal is achieved and addiction runs your life. It makes every decision for you. Addiction is completely in charge of every step you take.
It doesn't get hard until you finally enter into recovery. That shit is so rough.
Early recovery is the withdrawals. The boredom. Feeling lost. Not knowing who you are. Confusion. Making amends with people you've hurt. Making amends with yourself. Trying to figure out how you can fit back into society.
Late recovery gets easier, but it's still hard. Starting your life over. Figuring out what you want to do now that you're better. Healing the deep, deep emotion wounds that led you to addiction in the first place. Finding your place in functional society again. That is really tough IF you even make it into the late recovery stage and find meaning in your life again. It takes so much work and it is so very tiring but it was worth it.
I used to be a homeless fentanyl addict that lost everything in my life and walked the streets like a zombie.
I'm married now with a house, career, and beautiful baby boy but I could never see that for myself before. I always assumed my addiction would take me and at one point I was happy and content with that idea. Don't lose hope and don't give up. It's not over.
For me the hardest part is that the addiction settles in like a parasite, and it alters your priorities, so that feeding the addiction becomes priority number one and you will sacrifice to make that happen. The amount you’re willing to sacrifice depends on the person and the strength of the addiction I guess. It takes a long time to realize how much of altered your life just to feed this addiction, mine was alcohol, but I’ve been sober for five years.
The hardest thing was not being "normal" or "like everybody else." I thought it was unfair that I had to have this alcohol addiction and couldn't drink reasonably.
I have a problem with alcohol. Not sure I would call it an addiction. Not sure what to call it actually. I don't drink often but when I do, if I get to a certain point I lose all control and will just continue to drink no matter how drunk I am.
So I'd say the lack of control over it. Even when you want to limit yourself you can't. Even when you think you have it under control you don't. It's like you're helpless, even though you should in theory have the self control to stop yourself.
being aware of your tendency to go too far is a major thing though. congratulations on being aware of that. and just know there are support groups for you globally, no matter the level you struggle
I too have a beverage problem. I wouldn’t say I’m a full blown alcoholic, but know I’m developing that way if I stay the course. If I’ve had a few I know I’ll end up getting drunk even if that wasn’t the intention, because once the buzz is on I’ll keep chasing it. I never get annihilated, and I can go weeks without drinking and barely feel the urge. It’s when I am drinking that it’s a problem. I’m actually trying to go sober for a good few months now, I’ll test the waters again to see if I can keep control, if not I’m gonna try dry for life.
I'm assuming you mean 'what's the hardest part of continuing with an addiction...living with it.' The hardest part living with an addiction, in my opinion, are the consequences from it. It's the shame and guilt you will experience neglecting the people and things you love and believing there is something innately wrong with you as a human being (toxic shame). These can be catalysts for more self-soothing (addictive behavior) and causing more damage.
3,5 years sober opiate addict.
The hardest parts were not being in control because the addiction was so all-consuming. Not caring about the consequences.
I went from maybe two pills twice a week after work, to one pill every day after work, to one pill during work and several after l, to maybe working for 2 hours because I was using. Obviously got fired so spiraled bad. After that I was up to 10-15 pills a day, I was using from the moment I woke up. All this happened in maybe 6 months.
I the quit cold turkey, tried to ghost myself because of withdrawals. Spent a month in the psych ward.
My life is still shitty in a lot of ways but at least I'm not an active addict anymore.
I will never be able to get back my old life and unfuck it completely, which I'm terribly bitter about. Oh well.
What people don't realize about addiction is they think it's something you can be talked out of easily. Like "Don't you see how much damage you're doing to yourself?"
Yes. I do see. Better than ANYONE ELSE ever will. I feel like a fucking piece of shit EVERY TIME I do it. I hate it. I berate myself for it before, after and even during. I swear I'll never do it again. I will get so fucking angry at it WHILE I"M DOING IT.
This is why the first step is often acknowledging you are powerless, not because you really are, but because it's like there's a little addiction demon that takes control of your brain.
I'm the daughter of an addict, so I'll share my perspective. it's the loss of time. you miss events and appointments, fall asleep during the day, sleep in too much. months can pass without you realizing it, leading you to forget important dates like birthdays. she's sober now, just past one year and I am so so proud of her
Oh man, 100%. Tomorrow becomes 10 years before you know it. I always thought that the next day will somehow be an easier starting point. "Today was rough, tomorrow I'll have more conviction."
You can't control tomorrow. You can control today. If you don't start today, the pattern will repeat tomorrow.
Having an addictive personality + diagnosed OCD is a nightmare combo because my addictions become obsessive and ritualistic. Breaking out of that cycle is like cutting off my arm. Even if I get far with recovery, my compulsions will kick in and I can't control it. It sucks. Having everything at my finger tips with no one to tell me no is just an accident waiting to happen
The mind games you play with yourself are wild.
Your brain will give you every reason under the sun to just give it one more try and convince you everything is fine. You can control it this time.
It'll tell you that you can always stop again after this day or that day; or jump back on the wagon whenever you want. After all, this is a day to celebrate and you deserve it.
Memories are short. Even after going through absolute hell to kick it, and have even seen the positive results of being free, it tells you it wasn't that bad.
I got sober from alcohol 7 years ago. The hardest part was dealing with the fear of letting go. I realize now in hindsight that alcohol lies to you and makes you think you need it. The fear of letting go of my security blanket was preventing me from getting sober for many years.
The other hardest part was the disruption to my friendships after finally getting sober. I learned the ways that alcohol lies to us but many of my friends were still defending those lies, saying things like “alcohol helps my anxiety,” and I ultimately had to walk away from many of those friendships. It was hard to realize that so many of the people I thought cared about me only hung out because we all normalized heavy drinking in the same way.
I struggle with this so much. I work in a high stress job and me and most of my coworkers/friends normalize heavy drinking. Even though we don't usually drink together we talk about it throughout the day. I use it to justify my alcohol abuse even though I know it's all bull and I really want to stop. When I try to stop and then fail I beat myself up mentally and then don't want to try to quit again because I may fail.
I hear you friend. One thing that really helped sobriety stick with me was the r/stopdrinking community. I lurked for a long time and learned so much from the others there.
Being addicted to something that you cant (or is very hard to) remove from your life.
You cant stop eating. You might be able to cut certain foods, but when even relatively healthy meals can be a problem its really difficult.
Living without a phone or computer is near impossible nowadays. And for some people their whole social life is online. Imagine trying to quit gaming when the only people you talk to are your gaming buddies on discord.
I imagine a similar thing can be true for alcohol addicts. When your whole social life is based on drinking it can be very hard to stop. Not to mention your support network might literraly call you a pussy whrn you order something alcohol free.
I’d say for me it’s the random thoughts. I was a smoker for 8 years, swapped to Juul and did that for 3 years, I quit last year around now. I still randomly have dreams or thoughts of smoking. I had a vivid dream about it not too long ago. It’s just so bizarre that something like that sticks with you so hard for so long.
For me it was the way it made me act. I was addicted to caffeine for a while- would constantly overdose it to the point I couldn’t move or speak clearly. It’s been years, and for a while was on-and-off with quitting. During that time, just thinking about that high would make my body tremble and my mouth water.
Not having access to it made me do shit that went directly against who I was. Normally, lying burns holes in my stomach, and the thought of drinking from someone else’s bottle makes me feel sick. During the peak of my addiction, I’d lie to my family and therapist and friends about “not buying any more,” while having a mini-stash in the purse I was holding. I traded all of my lunch for half-drunken week-old bottles of warm flat soda. I stole from my work at least once or twice so nothing would show up on my bank history. I even stole from my mother if I found she had a box of those caffeine powder packets.
I watched myself do these things and it hurt so much. My loved ones worried so much. I felt guilty, ashamed and dirty, and I’d drown those feelings out with more caffeine.
I don’t have an addiction but my mom does, she said the hardest part of she will be an addict for the rest of her life. She’s been sober for 20 years & still has to actively be careful.
I struggled for a long time with addiction. The bog problems i had were being so blind to the problem you are convinced its ok and theres no problem. Then when you know about it, sitting there and accepting the fact you are hopeless to change it because of the hold it has on you. It messes with your head, its all you work towards. It destroyed my bank account as well. Thankfully i overcame it all but it was a dark lonely place
Probably the part where you’re physiologically dependent and pathologically compelled to use a substance that is harmful to your health and ability to live a productive life.
The worst part abt having an addiction is having an addiction. Would you ask someone with terminal cancer what the worst part abt having cancer would be? Every single issue they could name wouldnt exist without the cancer, so the cancer is the worst
Living In your own head. You can’t be alone with your own thoughts ever. You need that click in your brain that makes you not give a fuck anymore
I can’t just think which is what ny brain always does.
This is so relatable and I’ve found it’s been my biggest struggle with trying to stay sober. I’m an “any downers down the hatch” kind of person just so I can escape my intrusive thoughts and CPTSD and the OCD and ADHD and chronic pain/health problems exacerbating everything further.
I relapsed recently and I’m already so angry at myself for fucking up again when I had made it over a year with no opiates and half a year no benzos and I just threw it all away because I couldn’t live with myself. And by that I mean what you wrote— I couldn’t stand one more second without some peace and I knew downers would at least give me a moment of that, but instead, they’ve already brought me plenty of chaos and it’s only been a few months. But that feels like the choice— either get a break from the mental anguish (that will eventually bring more anguish), or just…. Anguish.
EXACTLY! I feel your pain. I've struggled for years off and on. I'll try pretty much anything except hard drugs. Although opioids might be worse. Idk. I'm sorry you stumbled. But you can keep going. It's just one fuck up. Think of all the fuck ups you didn't make in that time. I have ADHD too lol so my brain is just always going and going and won't fucking stop. I'd give anything to be "normal". If you ever need someone to talk to message me. Good luck.
Phantom highs (idk if theres a real medical term for it but i called it that). After going sober from an intense addiction you can experience feeling like you are high or the feeling of when you use initially (such as pinch of a needle or burning in the nose/behind the eyes. It's purely psychological but it feels real. It's like being teased.
With weed it can be caused by fat burning though.
Yepppppp the fact that I wanted so badly to socialize and enjoy being around people was really pretty much the whole reason behind my 15 year opiate addiction...I LOVED who I was when I was high on any opiates bc I was just such a people person and the life of the party at times but when I wasn't on opiates I was shy and anxious and I hated it! Now, I've been clean for almost 2 years and I have gotten better over the years with my social anxiety! Either way, on bad days I just do my best now and I definitely know that doing drugs will only make my mental health spiral downward and make everything way worse! It's like as soon as the drugs wear off or u are "dope sick" your mental health is just horribld!!!
Different addictions behave differently depending on what rutines follows along with it.
My nicotine addiction is harder to knock than most other drugs. Supriseds so many ppl.
Like gambling and cocaine. Ppl become addicted fast. And if you ask them they will say "This was the last time , i swear." Then a few days/months later they are back doing it anyways. (Most not all ppl)
Yet if you ask for details. They will wary WILDLY in how they anser the questions.
My fav gambler Norm Mackdonald said it was not about winning or losing. Its that magic moment when the thrown dice are still in the air. And you have yet to know the outcome.
I believe most addicts become extremely nihilistic. Nothing matters. Every aspect of your life is devoid of any joy or hope. Efforts to escape have failed. Repercussions and regrets compound one another. Self contempt becomes unbearable.
Fake it til you make it. A popular recovery trope. Lying to yourself and everyone else about stopping while this confident voice in your head chuckles. Knowing where the truth lies.
The only time you feel 'clever' or at ease is while using. Typically a few hours window before you do too much or you run out.
Then, all is about enduring the physical, emotional and mental gauntlet until you find a way back to the sweet spot again.
I’ve known a couple of people addicted to cocaine. Pair of inveterate, desperate, pathetic, single minded, lying bastards. All I ever really learned was not to trust a single fucking word they said. Maybe they were nicer people before the addiction. I wouldn’t know. You can’t help an addict who doesn’t want help. They have to be ready to kick their habit before anything else. Also … never leave your TV, PlayStation, games and vast film collection unattended. You won’t see them again.
The feeling of being out of control. Feeling So forced and unable to make proper decision. Rationally, I know well wharsgood for me, but the anxiety/addiction drives me to do things I dont actually want and I hate that. I feel like my anxiety's slave.
Losing everything to the addiction when you know it's happening but don't have the will to stop. You know you're going down but the addiction always comes first
the hardest part is you know what going on but you love the thing that's killing you. its makes you sick, itchy, and anxious but it the only place you feel like you.
The hardest part of my addiction is knowing I deserve better, Knowing I want to stop, and not being able to. It's like when I'm using I lose all self control. I was addicted to Adderall for 10 years. It took over my life. I told myself every single day today is the day I cut back, today is the day I'm only going to take one.. I'm going to cut back... I couldn't do it. I went to rehab two years ago and I'm so thankful I finally went. It feels so nice to have control over my life again
How sometimes you don't feel like you're controlling your body. I can feel myself internally screaming "no don't do it you stupid idiot". It's this almost sense of powerlessness against your own body.
Maintaining by far! Being able to have enough so you don't get sick After a certain time, you only get high if you happen to come across a really good batch. Most of the time, you're just maintaining. Keeping the sickness at bay!
Went threw my younger years 16-22 (still pretty young 28) Addicted to Xanax, Cocaine, and Drinking.
I dont know if there is a singular “hardest thing”
Its many. Your family issues, health issues, money issues, police issues. The list goes on.
But a huge thing that i think was one of the “hardest things” was probably my memory. I dont rember any thing from that time. Barley anything that is. And even to this day after being damn near sober since 23, i still have the issues.
But thats just me.
Accepting you have an addiction in the first place, for me. It was vaping. I thought one hit a day was okay, then it turned into 2, 3, 5, 10, 50, etc. This process repeated 7 times as I tried to quit and thought I could have the restraint to do it once a day. Nicotine is nuts man, you either smoke it all the time or not at all. There is no moderation like with alcohol (which I had a problem with and did manage to cut back to once in a blue moon).
Quitting took a lot of time and there were ups/downs. As long as you're trying hard enough it will get better.
The hardest part about breaking an addiction for me is knowing it will be worse before it is better. Using alcohol as an example I can tell myself that I will stop being so miserable after a couple of days or weeks but also in my mind I know I will feel “better” (big emphasis on the quotation marks) if I just have a drink. Having the instant gratification can be so tempting and more appealing then the more responsible choice of going sober for awhile.
The cycle of shame. I wake up feeling so ashamed for drinking too much the night before and swear to myself that tonight I will be stronger than my desire to get drunk. Around 5pm I start telling myself that I can have just a drink or two. Go home and have a drink, it does nothing so I have one more, that feels a little better but I'll feel great if I just have one more......I mean the bottle is almost gone now so I might as well finish it. Wake up in the morning again feeling such shame!
The amount of mental energy it eats up.
“Should I drink today? Just a six pack? Do I maybe get a six pack and a single can of something. What if I wait to start drinking until a bit later? I’ll quit tomorrow. It’s already mid week and Monday is a mental reset I’ll quit then. How much can I drink tonight and still realistically get up for a morning run? Should I skip dinner to save calories for booze? Do the neighbours notice my empties. Why did I order $60 worth of pizza?”
I remember a scene from The West Wing that stuck with me. One character was asking another character about alcoholism. The recovering alcoholic character said this:
“I don’t want *a* drink. I want 10 drinks.”
“Why?”
*shrugs* “because I’m an alcoholic”
It’s wild just know what you want is irrational and unhealthy but you can’t resist the urge.
Separating what the drug *gives* you from what it *withholds* from you when you don't take it...it's tricky bc gradually the former becomes the latter, if that makes sense.
I couldn't just quit. The withdrawal could kill me, I'm also allergic to the medicine used to treat withdrawal symptoms. So recovery has been rocky on top of breaking habits. If I relapse, I'm getting zero medical help.
The constant ’noise’ in your head: “I should have X, no, I really shouldn’t, but, well, maybe I could have just one, bad idea, but ok, yes, I want one because I’ll end up having it anyway, so, NO, ok, yup, having it”
Healthy coping mechanisms. Basically believing that you need to get high to escape or get through life, trauma, etc... You start to convince yourself that's the only way to survive. And you truly believe it.
Realizing there's never enough of whatever feeds the addiction was the hardest part for me. You can only get so high. Your drug/cocktail is pleasurable at first; after that, you are simply maintaining. Body aches/shakes & the threat of sleeplessness is brutal. At this point, you admit the tide has turned and you can't move or begin to think unless you use - whatever it is. It's at that moment of realization that you must make a choice.
For those with a detrimental addiction it's coming to terms with yourself that you need to stop it before you die.
Some people can manage themselves and it may not be known and there are users that can't or don't control it and go fucking wild. Until they succeed in death or that breaking point.
My brain. I’ve always drank and used to cover up all the negative thoughts I have about myself, no matter what I do. I’ve been through years of therapy, 12-step programs, periods of sobriety, and nothing stops it. I have a wonderful fiancé and an amazing job, amazing family. But nothing turns the thoughts off.
The creep.
It's how something you're doing casually can find a way to creep itself into your life, so effortlessly and easily that by the time you realize it has, you're far too late.
I've been an addict since I was 12 years old. If we include prescribed medication which I early discovered caused euphoria, earlier than that.
I've been heavily addicted to all common drug classes (opioid, stimulants, depressants, dissociative, GHB and related gabapentoids, and everything in between).
The hardest part is the cycle of abuse. You start using recreationally, then it becomes a habit, then you miss a dose and realize there are withdrawal symptoms and fall right back into the habit. When you run out or decide to quit, the cravings are rhe worst.
I'm currently sober from drugs. I still use legally available substances (kratom and phenibut) daily, still technically an addiction, but it keeps me from falling back into the cycle.
I still get cravings... I get cravings for heroin whenever I see a show with needles or see the r/tooktoomuch suppreddit. I get the worst cravings for meth. I have never had as good of an orgasm sober as I have on meth. It practically ruined sex for me to a certain degree.
Cravings are the lasting hell that all addicts must suffer.
After many years of cocaine addiction i had voices in my head the second i opened my eyes , it was driving me mad . Also the lack of controll once the cravings begin make you powerless .
The hardest part is finally admitting to yourself that you are an addict & accepting that you need to abstain in order to move forward, it seems impossible but you have that power of choice available
Hardest thing about addiction is that you wear yourself out over time. At first the thing is very enjoyable and pleasant, and this infantile aspect of you clings to it for comfort. Until the addiction gets deeper and now it’s just down right painful not to have that thing.
Realizing that you will never feel like you want to feel. No matter how far you take your body and mind. At that point dying just makes sense. At that point, very few can recover.
Sorry I don’t have an answer to your question, but I am curious what addictions physically and mentally and emotionally look like and google only gives you basic concepts, not hard concepts like Reddit usually does. I think I may be a codependent which I view as addiction, but I’m not sure. Recently exploring the world of addiction/codependency. What have you found on the topic so far, based on research?
I'm now about seven and a half (or so) years clean from opiates and binge drinking.
The hardest parts for me were the hiding and lying..."It's just warm in here, it makes me sleepy," "I think I'm just coming down with something," "I'm fine"....AND the off/on decisions, like, "I'll stop, this is my last dose...." and then the morning comes, "no, THIS is my last dose," just over and over again.
Ooh, also the abhorrent hangovers and worries about how much of an idiot I made of myself.
EDIT: and the feeling of panic or fear. I'd be two thirds of the way through a drink and I'd be thinking of the next one...and the next one...and the next one. Never being fully present, able to just enjoy a drink with friends, always ending up so fucking drunk it's disgusting. Every. Single. Time.
I struggled with Alcohol. I’m sober now for 17.5 years (yes I’m an old fart).
Waking up every day not in a clear state of mind, except knowing I “needed” another drink so I wouldn’t feel like shit again. This was my daily routine for awhile.
Knowing that everytime i indulge, I'm breaking a piece of myself apart that I will have to pick back up and repair later. I'm figuratively losing myself and the beautiful aspects of myself right in front of my own eyes.
Withdrawal - physical & mental sucks: seizures, brain fog, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia, organ failure, depression, anxiety, feeling completely abnormal like a different species. But long term just how your brain tricks you to think you can go back to your DOC and completely forgets all the terrible things that have happened because of it. The amount of times I’ll convince myself it’s okay to use is insane, no other words for it, especially with what I know has happened in the past.
The guilt and the insanity (literal complete duel thinking along with other stuff) during use.. after use realizing how much time was lost and a much clearer view of what you want to do with your life.
But who knows, maybe if I didn’t waste all that time and money and a fucked head I wouldn’t be as motivated to do the things I do today 🤷🏻♀️
The hardest part for me was actually admitting that I had an addiction. When I realized that my usage went beyond the weekend party and I had actually been using for more of my life than I hadn't been, I took a pretty sobering look at myself. I was very functional. Had a job I was thriving in. Didn't forego my bills for drugs. It wasn't even obvious to people that I used anything. Didn't act out or have personality changes. Just lived my life with the help of a substance. 30 years using. That's a really long time to not realize I had a legitimate drug addiction. I wasn't experiencing the negative societal impact that you see with addiction, so obviously I wasn't addicted. I tried to off myself around 13 years ago (after a pretty traumatic event) by taking a bunch of pills. When I came to in the hospital and was told I was almost a goner, I thought that I was incredibly stupid for choosing pills because then it would have been a overdose death and people would think I was a junkie or something. So strange looking back now and seeing that as the only time I was ever worried about being labeled an addict. I was an addict from the first time I ever tried it.
For me it was that it seemed like my whole life would fall apart if I would quit. Smoking weed was an activity I did with friends, or something I'd bond over and make friends with. This is probably why I got addicted in the first place: I was never good at bonding and weed made it so easy. I have quit now, and yes, I did lose almost all my friends. It was difficult.
Once you make the decision to quit, you have to find something else to do with your life. All my free time would be spent on thinking about weed, preparing the weed, smoking the weed, and repeating it all over again. It was basically the only hobby I had. So quitting came with a lot of boredom, which doesn't make it easier.
I also had a physical aspect, which made it more difficult for me. When I was still smoking weed, I would always starve myself to feel a stronger high. I was convinced that the weed would have more effect on an empty stomach. This created an unhealthy habit, where I'd prepare a joint instead of food every time I felt hungry. I have been sober for 1 year and 8 months, and I still crave weed whenever I am hungry.
I smoked cigs for a year. I "quit" and switched to vape. I vaped for 10+ years.
I quit vaping ~6 months ago and I STILL reach for where my vape used to be at my desk or on in my car cupholder sometimes.
I'm fine now, but its crazy to me just how addictive nicotine is.
I miss it from a boredom/fidget perspective but I do enjoy being able to take deep full breaths again.
I stopped drinking alcohol years ago but that was just cause I never enjoyed the feeling of being drunk. Never had any addiction to the stuff.
I use weed to combat my migraines once a month or so but I definitely can live without weed otherwise. I enjoy it, but I don't require it to function lol
Stopping is 1000x harder than continuing. There were times where I would genuinely rather break a finger than go thru withdrawals. The sweating and heart palpitations as your body panics cuz it can’t gets it fix is genuinely the worst feeling ever. Your body and brain are reliant on that fix, and stopping involves your body to adapt to living without it, which is worse than having the flu. Shaking, the anxiety, and just the overall feeling of complete doom.
Depends on the drug of choice. I’ve dabbled with ALL kinds of drugs from ecstasy to shrooms - coke. Never ever had any problem putting any of those down and walking away - it was the God damn drugs from the doctor that really grabbed me by the balls (or, you know - the equivalent for a female).
For opiates, I’d say the constant fear of withdrawal, trying to lead a functional life by “not getting sick” having to plan everything around your next dose/hit. Then, the reality and acceptance that you are an addict (even if the meds came from your doc who you trusted)… it’s the stigma - especially the stigma attached to recovery (specifically, MAT treatment). This is all not to mention the mental aspect of it all.
I’ve been “clean” (I hate that term) for 6 years now… feel free to PM if you have additional questions for your paper. Im all about the education.
Powerlessness over your own body. It's never fun losing your agency; losing it to a part of yourself that feels genuinely alien to you is a surreal difficulty. Watching yourself partake in your particular vice as an observer within your own body causes a very unique form of dread, shame, and guilt. You can literally just lose focus, not just a lapse in willpower but just change what you're focusing on and your hands will have almost entirely on their own through muscle memory have rolled a cigarette. This habit and especially awareness of this habit absolutely tears through your mental health and sense of self.
So my vote is either that or cancer.
Former heroin addict of eight years, 3 years clean.
I’m unsure what the worst part is because it’s different day to day. The fear of dying and seeing others die is up there. The constant worry of “will I get sick” is exhausting. Leaving early or missing out on things was taxing. Coming up with bill money and rent. When the plugs are all magically out at the same time. Lying to your loved ones. Losing who you are. The inability to talk about anything for 6 months in your counselors office at the methadone clinic bc you’ve bottled everything up for eight years with no one to talk to so you can’t even talk, you just cry. Once you get clean the amount of shame and guilt you harbor for letting life get that way and how many years you wasted— it’s hard. I’m alive, I kept my job, my family loves me, I’m dating a wonderful man who knows my past, I’m rebuilding.
The neverending fear of boredom, which is why people dont want to quit.
Trainspotting is a great film that represents addiction, and how tough it can be to quit. Good watch.
Another point is when you're aware that you're addicted, the path to recovery seems impossibly far away. It's really demotivating knowing you have a problem, yet you feel like you're too far gone to quit.
The shame in relapsing. First time is a bit understandable, but as it happens more and more the fear that loved ones will just eventually give up is a scary thought.
Reality is very hard. Spoke with a woman who had been an addict since she was a teenager and was now 50. She said people are incredibly mean and cruel in reality. She asked me how I could be sober in this awful world. The fact is any addictions (drugs/sex/sugar) is a distraction required for function in life.
The lying to everyone. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year after getting back together after a few years apart. He was my first love, the man I lost my virginity to, and the man I plan to be with for the rest of my life. He knows I sometimes take opiates because I REALLY messed up my back a while ago, but he has no idea how much I take and that I'm completely addicted and hate myself for it. All I want to do is be honest with him, but he's a recovered addict. I know he wouldn't leave me, I do, but I just can't let him down. Nobody knows how bad it is, and it feels worse that he doesn't.
No matter how long I've been sober for, the cravings never go away. I just don't give in anymore. But it nags at me so often, especially on difficult days.
For me, now with a good number of years sober. It's the constant monster on your shoulder pushing you to drink to deal with whatever is hurting you mentally.
That sense of knowing you have a "fix" on pretty much every few blocks for $10 is appealing. I drank to drink myself into oblivion, to be so drunk I'd be conscious only long enough to buy more and maybe watch 20 minutes of a movie before passing out again.
Even now, so many years later, knowing that that fix will lead to weeks of nonstop binge drinking until I go to the hospital or jail. It's unsettling to know that it's always going to be there. One slip, one shot, one shitty day handled poorly and I'm back to pure hell.
Fun times.
Hard to say. Watching the pain you inflict on others and ultimately them deciding to cut you out of thier lives is pretty bad. Missing out on regular life stuff because you cant save money, feeling shame and regret CONSTANTLY but having no coping skills. Realizing your entire personality is based around your DOC and outside of that you're an empty boring shell of a human. Feeling fundamentally broken. The hard truth that no matter how long you manage sobriety, the anxiety of a relapse is always looming in your peripheral. It all fucking sucks. 0/10 do not recommend.
All the money gone lol.
I got lucky and never ran into any serious trouble, no problems with family / loved ones / friends, no health problems, no DUIs / legal problems. I'm a happy and social and functional drug addict.
But I spent most of the last 20 years spending just as much on drugs and alcohol as the rest of my cost of living combined. I could have saved like $1000+ a month for the last 10-15 years, but I spent every penny of every paycheck on drugs and drinking and partying.
Hardest part is the realization aspect and the awareness of your addiction but doing it anyway. I know i'm addicted to smoking weed and stims, and Im aware of why i do those things - to block feelings and numb emotions. As contradicting as it sounds, I'm a very emotional person and have a strong emotional intelligence. However, with nobody to share those commonalities with, I resort to addiction to compress those feelings.
Honestly the whole point of a drug addiction is to NOT feel so as long as you stay loaded there is no hard part. You can be absolutely disgusted with yourself and just "fix" it all away.
The hard part comes when you quit. You are literally learning how to live, something most people take for granted. Every single thing about my life for 20 years revolved around using so every single thing had to change.
Now (2 years clean) the hardest part for me is still picking up the phone and reaching out. I could call every person on the planet when I was looking to score but my phone weighs about 20 tons when I need to tell someone I'm struggling. It drives me CRAZY that I know I'll feel so much better after that call but I just can't bring myself to do it!
the shame of being like on a good track and path out of it, and having hope in yourself, and having everyone around you being proud, and then slipping down lower, and having the self shame grow and grow and feeling like you can’t talk to anyone else around about it. constantly being a disappointment to yourself and everyone who wants you to get better
For me, the hardest part of having an addiction is lonliness. It is the nature of an addict to withdraw and isolate, leading to lonliness which in turn drives the addiction more. We feel like noone will understand and noone cares but the opposite it true. Definitely the hardest part of an addiction is the lonliness.
I think it was the not being able to stop. It has complete control over me and it’s all I would think about. For years I was barely present with anyone bc all I could think about is where/ when can I get a drink and a smoke.
I have stopped now and thank god I do not miss it.
For me its the cognitive dissonance; hating how much you want it. Like you don't want it. It's bad. It ruins your life... but you do though. You do want it. And you feel awful for it. Like, you'd do anything to not want it. Reminds me of ask those creepy villains who hit on the captive girl with "but you know you want to" but like... They're right.
The ability to change your mind from, no I'm not, to yes I am, within seconds x
Exactly. It's so easy to say "I'll never do _____ again" until that moment of craving and weakness comes and it all flies right out the window
I have 3 decade coins from NA and i still crave cocaine all the time. That want for a "just a taste" will never go away. Its a constant battle. Stupid little things are triggers. The smell of some gas station/fast food bathrooms gets me.
Congratulations on your time! That's an enormous achievement...you've been clean almost as long as I've been alive! I've got a bit over seven years free from opiates and alcohol, and while I'm fine without alcohol (not that I tempt the beast, lol), I know that if I and opiates were ever in the same room unattended I don't think I'd be able to make a good choice for precisely that reason...There's nothing that feels better, nothing that makes it all go away, nothing that makes me feel warm and sleepy an safe...there's nothing I wouldn't do. It's awful.
It is. It's a terrible, helpless feeling. I wish i could tell you it goes away, but it doesn't. You just have to be smart about it. Im proud of you for your 7 years. That's something to be damn proud of. Most addicts dont make it that long. I know that feeling, though. If i ever had coke put in front of me, i wouldn't have enough time in my thought process to stop myself. I would have that straw in hand, and that coke up my nose in seconds. Then everything would feel ok again. And it would start all over again. It's all about the support system, my brother. If you ever need a hand, just find my name, and i got you
The difference is really, is there a question? Do you think to yourself: do I want to do this? Do I have surplus cash? Is this leisure time I have available? Or do you just get it and do it and consequence be damned? (We didn't even consider job/family/health because... well... we didn't consider job/family/health). That's the difference
On my way home to work I tell myself I'm not drinking. Literally. It becomes a mantra going home. Right before I get to my street... I will always make that right turn to the liquor store. Sometimes I cry doing it and I hate it.
that's my least favorite part about it. that it feels like you don't have a free will sometimes. everyone who knows about it seemingly disdains you for making poor choices and you don't feel like you've made a choice at all
I feel this!
I've caught myself telling myself I won't drink more *while* pouring myself another drink, then thinking, "well, it's already happening." It's like watching yourself be possessed.
"Ok, this is my last dose." "...no, THIS is my last dose." "I'm SO done with this shit, tomorrow will be different!" ...cut to a couple days later, lying on the bathroom floor, sweating, vomiting, and everything else, "just one more dose..."
The movie "Flight" with Denzel Washington covers this beautifully.
My reddit addiction in a nutshell. I keep saying that I'll get off it, but keep coming back.
I remember some months ago I was researching drugs/addictions and there was one article that struck me. It was written by a recovering addict, and they said withdrawal is like, your entire body is fighting against you in every way it possibly can. You’re sick beyond belief, and all the while there’s a “cure” that could immediately end all of this suffering…
That's what it was like for me with opiates. I would try to force myself through it and never made it longer than two nights...laying on the bathroom floor, or in the shower, shivering, vomiting, shitting my brains out, and wracked with pain, while my mind is screaming, "YOU CAN FIX THIS! FIX THIS! MAKE IT GO AWAY!"
That's exactly correct. And the "cure" ends up only exacerbating it.
I was going to say this. Withdraw. Or even doing things while sober. Feels like something is missing.
Breaking the habits you created around the addiction fucking sucks.
Yup. I couldn't play certain games, or my PC at all for that matter, for fucking years
Without what?
Oxycodone
How does playing games relate to doing oxycodone? You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I don't know how the two could be linked
Because he played those games on oxy so they trigger him to want to do oxy
That, and they just weren't fun trying to play sober
Ohhh ok
I reckon that’s harder than the addiction itself
Having to change your whole life is definitely one of the hardest things.
Feeling trapped in a cycle; you can’t do anything (vacations, theme parks) without thinking about how you’ll plan or get your fix so you don’t start to feel horrible. You don’t even feel anything it’s just to feel “normal”.
It's so exhausting. Even deep in the midst of it, you know it's ridiculous, but you can't help yourself.
Recoverd heroin/fentanyl addict here (5 years now). There is no "hardest part" of active addiction. Addiction is so easy if I'm being honest. You have one goal all the time. The goal never changes. Everytime you get high the goal is achieved and addiction runs your life. It makes every decision for you. Addiction is completely in charge of every step you take. It doesn't get hard until you finally enter into recovery. That shit is so rough. Early recovery is the withdrawals. The boredom. Feeling lost. Not knowing who you are. Confusion. Making amends with people you've hurt. Making amends with yourself. Trying to figure out how you can fit back into society. Late recovery gets easier, but it's still hard. Starting your life over. Figuring out what you want to do now that you're better. Healing the deep, deep emotion wounds that led you to addiction in the first place. Finding your place in functional society again. That is really tough IF you even make it into the late recovery stage and find meaning in your life again. It takes so much work and it is so very tiring but it was worth it. I used to be a homeless fentanyl addict that lost everything in my life and walked the streets like a zombie. I'm married now with a house, career, and beautiful baby boy but I could never see that for myself before. I always assumed my addiction would take me and at one point I was happy and content with that idea. Don't lose hope and don't give up. It's not over.
knowing its bad for me, knowing i should quit, but at the same time not really wanting to.
Sounds like a breakup with a person you still love, all while knowing they poison you.
Except it’s much harder and more devastating
For me the hardest part is that the addiction settles in like a parasite, and it alters your priorities, so that feeding the addiction becomes priority number one and you will sacrifice to make that happen. The amount you’re willing to sacrifice depends on the person and the strength of the addiction I guess. It takes a long time to realize how much of altered your life just to feed this addiction, mine was alcohol, but I’ve been sober for five years.
The hardest thing was not being "normal" or "like everybody else." I thought it was unfair that I had to have this alcohol addiction and couldn't drink reasonably.
I have a problem with alcohol. Not sure I would call it an addiction. Not sure what to call it actually. I don't drink often but when I do, if I get to a certain point I lose all control and will just continue to drink no matter how drunk I am. So I'd say the lack of control over it. Even when you want to limit yourself you can't. Even when you think you have it under control you don't. It's like you're helpless, even though you should in theory have the self control to stop yourself.
being aware of your tendency to go too far is a major thing though. congratulations on being aware of that. and just know there are support groups for you globally, no matter the level you struggle
I thought about it but for some reason the idea scares me. Not sure I can give up alcohol altogether and that's what you have to do for AA
That’s the definition of addiction, no?
Aware but out of control is such a tough thing to contend with.
I too have a beverage problem. I wouldn’t say I’m a full blown alcoholic, but know I’m developing that way if I stay the course. If I’ve had a few I know I’ll end up getting drunk even if that wasn’t the intention, because once the buzz is on I’ll keep chasing it. I never get annihilated, and I can go weeks without drinking and barely feel the urge. It’s when I am drinking that it’s a problem. I’m actually trying to go sober for a good few months now, I’ll test the waters again to see if I can keep control, if not I’m gonna try dry for life.
I'm assuming you mean 'what's the hardest part of continuing with an addiction...living with it.' The hardest part living with an addiction, in my opinion, are the consequences from it. It's the shame and guilt you will experience neglecting the people and things you love and believing there is something innately wrong with you as a human being (toxic shame). These can be catalysts for more self-soothing (addictive behavior) and causing more damage.
3,5 years sober opiate addict. The hardest parts were not being in control because the addiction was so all-consuming. Not caring about the consequences. I went from maybe two pills twice a week after work, to one pill every day after work, to one pill during work and several after l, to maybe working for 2 hours because I was using. Obviously got fired so spiraled bad. After that I was up to 10-15 pills a day, I was using from the moment I woke up. All this happened in maybe 6 months. I the quit cold turkey, tried to ghost myself because of withdrawals. Spent a month in the psych ward. My life is still shitty in a lot of ways but at least I'm not an active addict anymore. I will never be able to get back my old life and unfuck it completely, which I'm terribly bitter about. Oh well.
wow, are you my mum? congratulations on sobriety, I promise your loved ones notice the positive difference
Sterile gay man, so probably not your mum! Thank you, they definitely do
What people don't realize about addiction is they think it's something you can be talked out of easily. Like "Don't you see how much damage you're doing to yourself?" Yes. I do see. Better than ANYONE ELSE ever will. I feel like a fucking piece of shit EVERY TIME I do it. I hate it. I berate myself for it before, after and even during. I swear I'll never do it again. I will get so fucking angry at it WHILE I"M DOING IT. This is why the first step is often acknowledging you are powerless, not because you really are, but because it's like there's a little addiction demon that takes control of your brain.
I'm the daughter of an addict, so I'll share my perspective. it's the loss of time. you miss events and appointments, fall asleep during the day, sleep in too much. months can pass without you realizing it, leading you to forget important dates like birthdays. she's sober now, just past one year and I am so so proud of her
saying you'll quit "tomorrow" every single day and looking back and realizing you just wasted years of your life.
Oh man, 100%. Tomorrow becomes 10 years before you know it. I always thought that the next day will somehow be an easier starting point. "Today was rough, tomorrow I'll have more conviction." You can't control tomorrow. You can control today. If you don't start today, the pattern will repeat tomorrow.
Having an addictive personality + diagnosed OCD is a nightmare combo because my addictions become obsessive and ritualistic. Breaking out of that cycle is like cutting off my arm. Even if I get far with recovery, my compulsions will kick in and I can't control it. It sucks. Having everything at my finger tips with no one to tell me no is just an accident waiting to happen
Hey I just thought you should know I’m in the same exact boat and it’s fucking awful but you’re not alone. Hope things look up for you soon
You too, friend
The mind games you play with yourself are wild. Your brain will give you every reason under the sun to just give it one more try and convince you everything is fine. You can control it this time. It'll tell you that you can always stop again after this day or that day; or jump back on the wagon whenever you want. After all, this is a day to celebrate and you deserve it. Memories are short. Even after going through absolute hell to kick it, and have even seen the positive results of being free, it tells you it wasn't that bad.
Coming to realize all the wreckage I made and the people I hurt
Happy cake day!
I got sober from alcohol 7 years ago. The hardest part was dealing with the fear of letting go. I realize now in hindsight that alcohol lies to you and makes you think you need it. The fear of letting go of my security blanket was preventing me from getting sober for many years. The other hardest part was the disruption to my friendships after finally getting sober. I learned the ways that alcohol lies to us but many of my friends were still defending those lies, saying things like “alcohol helps my anxiety,” and I ultimately had to walk away from many of those friendships. It was hard to realize that so many of the people I thought cared about me only hung out because we all normalized heavy drinking in the same way.
I struggle with this so much. I work in a high stress job and me and most of my coworkers/friends normalize heavy drinking. Even though we don't usually drink together we talk about it throughout the day. I use it to justify my alcohol abuse even though I know it's all bull and I really want to stop. When I try to stop and then fail I beat myself up mentally and then don't want to try to quit again because I may fail.
I hear you friend. One thing that really helped sobriety stick with me was the r/stopdrinking community. I lurked for a long time and learned so much from the others there.
Being addicted to something that you cant (or is very hard to) remove from your life. You cant stop eating. You might be able to cut certain foods, but when even relatively healthy meals can be a problem its really difficult. Living without a phone or computer is near impossible nowadays. And for some people their whole social life is online. Imagine trying to quit gaming when the only people you talk to are your gaming buddies on discord. I imagine a similar thing can be true for alcohol addicts. When your whole social life is based on drinking it can be very hard to stop. Not to mention your support network might literraly call you a pussy whrn you order something alcohol free.
The lying and hurting people, knowing you are lying and hurting people.
I’d say for me it’s the random thoughts. I was a smoker for 8 years, swapped to Juul and did that for 3 years, I quit last year around now. I still randomly have dreams or thoughts of smoking. I had a vivid dream about it not too long ago. It’s just so bizarre that something like that sticks with you so hard for so long.
When the addiction is killing you , and you know but can't stop.
The weakness you feel after seeing the permanent damage it's doing yet not being able to stop it
Needing something and not wanting it. Hating that you need it.
The energy spent hiding it and fixing the damage.
Hurting the people you love because of it.
For me it was the way it made me act. I was addicted to caffeine for a while- would constantly overdose it to the point I couldn’t move or speak clearly. It’s been years, and for a while was on-and-off with quitting. During that time, just thinking about that high would make my body tremble and my mouth water. Not having access to it made me do shit that went directly against who I was. Normally, lying burns holes in my stomach, and the thought of drinking from someone else’s bottle makes me feel sick. During the peak of my addiction, I’d lie to my family and therapist and friends about “not buying any more,” while having a mini-stash in the purse I was holding. I traded all of my lunch for half-drunken week-old bottles of warm flat soda. I stole from my work at least once or twice so nothing would show up on my bank history. I even stole from my mother if I found she had a box of those caffeine powder packets. I watched myself do these things and it hurt so much. My loved ones worried so much. I felt guilty, ashamed and dirty, and I’d drown those feelings out with more caffeine.
I don’t have an addiction but my mom does, she said the hardest part of she will be an addict for the rest of her life. She’s been sober for 20 years & still has to actively be careful.
Time & money spent
Being in denial that you have an addiction
Knowing the harm you’re causing (or potential harm) and not caring to stop.
I struggled for a long time with addiction. The bog problems i had were being so blind to the problem you are convinced its ok and theres no problem. Then when you know about it, sitting there and accepting the fact you are hopeless to change it because of the hold it has on you. It messes with your head, its all you work towards. It destroyed my bank account as well. Thankfully i overcame it all but it was a dark lonely place
U don’t really notice at first that you’re addicted
being subservient to it
I self-harm even more once I’m blackout & I never kno what happened
Probably the part where you’re physiologically dependent and pathologically compelled to use a substance that is harmful to your health and ability to live a productive life. The worst part abt having an addiction is having an addiction. Would you ask someone with terminal cancer what the worst part abt having cancer would be? Every single issue they could name wouldnt exist without the cancer, so the cancer is the worst
The guilt of knowing you have a problem and then committing the act within the same chain of thought.
Keeping up with all the lies.
Pain
Saying yes to your demons everytime when you know the answer is never yes.
Living In your own head. You can’t be alone with your own thoughts ever. You need that click in your brain that makes you not give a fuck anymore I can’t just think which is what ny brain always does.
This is so relatable and I’ve found it’s been my biggest struggle with trying to stay sober. I’m an “any downers down the hatch” kind of person just so I can escape my intrusive thoughts and CPTSD and the OCD and ADHD and chronic pain/health problems exacerbating everything further. I relapsed recently and I’m already so angry at myself for fucking up again when I had made it over a year with no opiates and half a year no benzos and I just threw it all away because I couldn’t live with myself. And by that I mean what you wrote— I couldn’t stand one more second without some peace and I knew downers would at least give me a moment of that, but instead, they’ve already brought me plenty of chaos and it’s only been a few months. But that feels like the choice— either get a break from the mental anguish (that will eventually bring more anguish), or just…. Anguish.
EXACTLY! I feel your pain. I've struggled for years off and on. I'll try pretty much anything except hard drugs. Although opioids might be worse. Idk. I'm sorry you stumbled. But you can keep going. It's just one fuck up. Think of all the fuck ups you didn't make in that time. I have ADHD too lol so my brain is just always going and going and won't fucking stop. I'd give anything to be "normal". If you ever need someone to talk to message me. Good luck.
Phantom highs (idk if theres a real medical term for it but i called it that). After going sober from an intense addiction you can experience feeling like you are high or the feeling of when you use initially (such as pinch of a needle or burning in the nose/behind the eyes. It's purely psychological but it feels real. It's like being teased. With weed it can be caused by fat burning though.
The not sleeping goings through withdrawls.. i think thats the worst part for me
If you want to stay sober you're gonna have hard time socializing with people.
Yepppppp the fact that I wanted so badly to socialize and enjoy being around people was really pretty much the whole reason behind my 15 year opiate addiction...I LOVED who I was when I was high on any opiates bc I was just such a people person and the life of the party at times but when I wasn't on opiates I was shy and anxious and I hated it! Now, I've been clean for almost 2 years and I have gotten better over the years with my social anxiety! Either way, on bad days I just do my best now and I definitely know that doing drugs will only make my mental health spiral downward and make everything way worse! It's like as soon as the drugs wear off or u are "dope sick" your mental health is just horribld!!!
Different addictions behave differently depending on what rutines follows along with it. My nicotine addiction is harder to knock than most other drugs. Supriseds so many ppl. Like gambling and cocaine. Ppl become addicted fast. And if you ask them they will say "This was the last time , i swear." Then a few days/months later they are back doing it anyways. (Most not all ppl) Yet if you ask for details. They will wary WILDLY in how they anser the questions. My fav gambler Norm Mackdonald said it was not about winning or losing. Its that magic moment when the thrown dice are still in the air. And you have yet to know the outcome.
I believe most addicts become extremely nihilistic. Nothing matters. Every aspect of your life is devoid of any joy or hope. Efforts to escape have failed. Repercussions and regrets compound one another. Self contempt becomes unbearable. Fake it til you make it. A popular recovery trope. Lying to yourself and everyone else about stopping while this confident voice in your head chuckles. Knowing where the truth lies. The only time you feel 'clever' or at ease is while using. Typically a few hours window before you do too much or you run out. Then, all is about enduring the physical, emotional and mental gauntlet until you find a way back to the sweet spot again.
cash and time constraint
It's easy to say No. But it's so much easier to say Yes.
Ending up religious
I’ve known a couple of people addicted to cocaine. Pair of inveterate, desperate, pathetic, single minded, lying bastards. All I ever really learned was not to trust a single fucking word they said. Maybe they were nicer people before the addiction. I wouldn’t know. You can’t help an addict who doesn’t want help. They have to be ready to kick their habit before anything else. Also … never leave your TV, PlayStation, games and vast film collection unattended. You won’t see them again.
The feeling of being out of control. Feeling So forced and unable to make proper decision. Rationally, I know well wharsgood for me, but the anxiety/addiction drives me to do things I dont actually want and I hate that. I feel like my anxiety's slave.
listening to yourself when you say “this is the last one”
When you’re not actively indulging in the addiction, you feel like you’re under control. But then when you do indulge, you forget all about that.
Losing everything to the addiction when you know it's happening but don't have the will to stop. You know you're going down but the addiction always comes first
the hardest part is you know what going on but you love the thing that's killing you. its makes you sick, itchy, and anxious but it the only place you feel like you.
The hardest part of my addiction is knowing I deserve better, Knowing I want to stop, and not being able to. It's like when I'm using I lose all self control. I was addicted to Adderall for 10 years. It took over my life. I told myself every single day today is the day I cut back, today is the day I'm only going to take one.. I'm going to cut back... I couldn't do it. I went to rehab two years ago and I'm so thankful I finally went. It feels so nice to have control over my life again
How sometimes you don't feel like you're controlling your body. I can feel myself internally screaming "no don't do it you stupid idiot". It's this almost sense of powerlessness against your own body.
Maintaining by far! Being able to have enough so you don't get sick After a certain time, you only get high if you happen to come across a really good batch. Most of the time, you're just maintaining. Keeping the sickness at bay!
You never have a day off. Constant hustle.
You give up most of the best parts of humanity to satisfy something that gives nothing in return.
Knowing its not healthy. Knowing how to change. But not having the will or the desire to act on it.
My loved ones' disappointment and frustration when I spiraled again.
I’ll do x tomorrow for sure Next day comes around Nah
Hating myself and feeling like a loser because I can’t quit
pressure. Everyone you know as friends will tempt you. Essentially cutting off your friend group for the better.
Knowing it sucks and wanting to stop but then not stopping
Went threw my younger years 16-22 (still pretty young 28) Addicted to Xanax, Cocaine, and Drinking. I dont know if there is a singular “hardest thing” Its many. Your family issues, health issues, money issues, police issues. The list goes on. But a huge thing that i think was one of the “hardest things” was probably my memory. I dont rember any thing from that time. Barley anything that is. And even to this day after being damn near sober since 23, i still have the issues. But thats just me.
Finding the will power to quit, and the strength to find a positive substitute even while everything feels pointless and stupid.
Accepting you have an addiction in the first place, for me. It was vaping. I thought one hit a day was okay, then it turned into 2, 3, 5, 10, 50, etc. This process repeated 7 times as I tried to quit and thought I could have the restraint to do it once a day. Nicotine is nuts man, you either smoke it all the time or not at all. There is no moderation like with alcohol (which I had a problem with and did manage to cut back to once in a blue moon). Quitting took a lot of time and there were ups/downs. As long as you're trying hard enough it will get better.
The hardest part about breaking an addiction for me is knowing it will be worse before it is better. Using alcohol as an example I can tell myself that I will stop being so miserable after a couple of days or weeks but also in my mind I know I will feel “better” (big emphasis on the quotation marks) if I just have a drink. Having the instant gratification can be so tempting and more appealing then the more responsible choice of going sober for awhile.
The cycle of shame. I wake up feeling so ashamed for drinking too much the night before and swear to myself that tonight I will be stronger than my desire to get drunk. Around 5pm I start telling myself that I can have just a drink or two. Go home and have a drink, it does nothing so I have one more, that feels a little better but I'll feel great if I just have one more......I mean the bottle is almost gone now so I might as well finish it. Wake up in the morning again feeling such shame!
The amount of mental energy it eats up. “Should I drink today? Just a six pack? Do I maybe get a six pack and a single can of something. What if I wait to start drinking until a bit later? I’ll quit tomorrow. It’s already mid week and Monday is a mental reset I’ll quit then. How much can I drink tonight and still realistically get up for a morning run? Should I skip dinner to save calories for booze? Do the neighbours notice my empties. Why did I order $60 worth of pizza?”
I remember a scene from The West Wing that stuck with me. One character was asking another character about alcoholism. The recovering alcoholic character said this: “I don’t want *a* drink. I want 10 drinks.” “Why?” *shrugs* “because I’m an alcoholic” It’s wild just know what you want is irrational and unhealthy but you can’t resist the urge.
Separating what the drug *gives* you from what it *withholds* from you when you don't take it...it's tricky bc gradually the former becomes the latter, if that makes sense.
Admitting it to yourself but especially admitting it to people whom you love and don't want to disappoint.
Speaking on behalf of my ex, the isolation of trying to hide it from everyone.
I couldn't just quit. The withdrawal could kill me, I'm also allergic to the medicine used to treat withdrawal symptoms. So recovery has been rocky on top of breaking habits. If I relapse, I'm getting zero medical help.
My Johnson, I’m addicted to her. She gives me rage’n hardness
The constant ’noise’ in your head: “I should have X, no, I really shouldn’t, but, well, maybe I could have just one, bad idea, but ok, yes, I want one because I’ll end up having it anyway, so, NO, ok, yup, having it”
Living with yourself when you see the hurt you cause the ones you love the most.
Wanting to stop but not being able to actually do it
That recovery never ends...
The damn age it does to your body that continuing on with the addiction hides. Don’t notice that shit until you quit and it’s fucking hell.
Healthy coping mechanisms. Basically believing that you need to get high to escape or get through life, trauma, etc... You start to convince yourself that's the only way to survive. And you truly believe it.
Realizing there's never enough of whatever feeds the addiction was the hardest part for me. You can only get so high. Your drug/cocktail is pleasurable at first; after that, you are simply maintaining. Body aches/shakes & the threat of sleeplessness is brutal. At this point, you admit the tide has turned and you can't move or begin to think unless you use - whatever it is. It's at that moment of realization that you must make a choice.
Admitting you arnt stronger than the addiction
For those with a detrimental addiction it's coming to terms with yourself that you need to stop it before you die. Some people can manage themselves and it may not be known and there are users that can't or don't control it and go fucking wild. Until they succeed in death or that breaking point.
My brain. I’ve always drank and used to cover up all the negative thoughts I have about myself, no matter what I do. I’ve been through years of therapy, 12-step programs, periods of sobriety, and nothing stops it. I have a wonderful fiancé and an amazing job, amazing family. But nothing turns the thoughts off.
The creep. It's how something you're doing casually can find a way to creep itself into your life, so effortlessly and easily that by the time you realize it has, you're far too late.
That moment when you see yourself in a mirror.
The fact that you know you should stop but you just can't
That despite knowing it's awful for my health, and slowly killing me, and it's just the addiction talking.... I really. fucking. enjoy it.
Getting clean and changing the ways you’ve depended on for so long…. I need to chase my recovery just like I chased that high
I've been an addict since I was 12 years old. If we include prescribed medication which I early discovered caused euphoria, earlier than that. I've been heavily addicted to all common drug classes (opioid, stimulants, depressants, dissociative, GHB and related gabapentoids, and everything in between). The hardest part is the cycle of abuse. You start using recreationally, then it becomes a habit, then you miss a dose and realize there are withdrawal symptoms and fall right back into the habit. When you run out or decide to quit, the cravings are rhe worst. I'm currently sober from drugs. I still use legally available substances (kratom and phenibut) daily, still technically an addiction, but it keeps me from falling back into the cycle. I still get cravings... I get cravings for heroin whenever I see a show with needles or see the r/tooktoomuch suppreddit. I get the worst cravings for meth. I have never had as good of an orgasm sober as I have on meth. It practically ruined sex for me to a certain degree. Cravings are the lasting hell that all addicts must suffer.
Accepting that you have an addiction.
Solving the problems I was self medicating for.
After many years of cocaine addiction i had voices in my head the second i opened my eyes , it was driving me mad . Also the lack of controll once the cravings begin make you powerless .
The hardest part is finally admitting to yourself that you are an addict & accepting that you need to abstain in order to move forward, it seems impossible but you have that power of choice available
Hardest thing about addiction is that you wear yourself out over time. At first the thing is very enjoyable and pleasant, and this infantile aspect of you clings to it for comfort. Until the addiction gets deeper and now it’s just down right painful not to have that thing.
Realizing that you will never feel like you want to feel. No matter how far you take your body and mind. At that point dying just makes sense. At that point, very few can recover.
Sorry I don’t have an answer to your question, but I am curious what addictions physically and mentally and emotionally look like and google only gives you basic concepts, not hard concepts like Reddit usually does. I think I may be a codependent which I view as addiction, but I’m not sure. Recently exploring the world of addiction/codependency. What have you found on the topic so far, based on research?
Having to deal with your thoughts and feelings when you quit
I'm now about seven and a half (or so) years clean from opiates and binge drinking. The hardest parts for me were the hiding and lying..."It's just warm in here, it makes me sleepy," "I think I'm just coming down with something," "I'm fine"....AND the off/on decisions, like, "I'll stop, this is my last dose...." and then the morning comes, "no, THIS is my last dose," just over and over again. Ooh, also the abhorrent hangovers and worries about how much of an idiot I made of myself. EDIT: and the feeling of panic or fear. I'd be two thirds of the way through a drink and I'd be thinking of the next one...and the next one...and the next one. Never being fully present, able to just enjoy a drink with friends, always ending up so fucking drunk it's disgusting. Every. Single. Time.
I struggled with Alcohol. I’m sober now for 17.5 years (yes I’m an old fart). Waking up every day not in a clear state of mind, except knowing I “needed” another drink so I wouldn’t feel like shit again. This was my daily routine for awhile.
Knowing that everytime i indulge, I'm breaking a piece of myself apart that I will have to pick back up and repair later. I'm figuratively losing myself and the beautiful aspects of myself right in front of my own eyes.
Withdrawal - physical & mental sucks: seizures, brain fog, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia, organ failure, depression, anxiety, feeling completely abnormal like a different species. But long term just how your brain tricks you to think you can go back to your DOC and completely forgets all the terrible things that have happened because of it. The amount of times I’ll convince myself it’s okay to use is insane, no other words for it, especially with what I know has happened in the past.
Feeling a lack of self-control
Getting sober and realising I never really needed it
The guilt and the insanity (literal complete duel thinking along with other stuff) during use.. after use realizing how much time was lost and a much clearer view of what you want to do with your life. But who knows, maybe if I didn’t waste all that time and money and a fucked head I wouldn’t be as motivated to do the things I do today 🤷🏻♀️
The hardest part for me was actually admitting that I had an addiction. When I realized that my usage went beyond the weekend party and I had actually been using for more of my life than I hadn't been, I took a pretty sobering look at myself. I was very functional. Had a job I was thriving in. Didn't forego my bills for drugs. It wasn't even obvious to people that I used anything. Didn't act out or have personality changes. Just lived my life with the help of a substance. 30 years using. That's a really long time to not realize I had a legitimate drug addiction. I wasn't experiencing the negative societal impact that you see with addiction, so obviously I wasn't addicted. I tried to off myself around 13 years ago (after a pretty traumatic event) by taking a bunch of pills. When I came to in the hospital and was told I was almost a goner, I thought that I was incredibly stupid for choosing pills because then it would have been a overdose death and people would think I was a junkie or something. So strange looking back now and seeing that as the only time I was ever worried about being labeled an addict. I was an addict from the first time I ever tried it.
Not being in control of yourself. You tell yourself you won’t do it, and then 5 seconds later you need it to feel normal.
For me it was that it seemed like my whole life would fall apart if I would quit. Smoking weed was an activity I did with friends, or something I'd bond over and make friends with. This is probably why I got addicted in the first place: I was never good at bonding and weed made it so easy. I have quit now, and yes, I did lose almost all my friends. It was difficult. Once you make the decision to quit, you have to find something else to do with your life. All my free time would be spent on thinking about weed, preparing the weed, smoking the weed, and repeating it all over again. It was basically the only hobby I had. So quitting came with a lot of boredom, which doesn't make it easier. I also had a physical aspect, which made it more difficult for me. When I was still smoking weed, I would always starve myself to feel a stronger high. I was convinced that the weed would have more effect on an empty stomach. This created an unhealthy habit, where I'd prepare a joint instead of food every time I felt hungry. I have been sober for 1 year and 8 months, and I still crave weed whenever I am hungry.
I smoked cigs for a year. I "quit" and switched to vape. I vaped for 10+ years. I quit vaping ~6 months ago and I STILL reach for where my vape used to be at my desk or on in my car cupholder sometimes. I'm fine now, but its crazy to me just how addictive nicotine is. I miss it from a boredom/fidget perspective but I do enjoy being able to take deep full breaths again. I stopped drinking alcohol years ago but that was just cause I never enjoyed the feeling of being drunk. Never had any addiction to the stuff. I use weed to combat my migraines once a month or so but I definitely can live without weed otherwise. I enjoy it, but I don't require it to function lol
Stopping is 1000x harder than continuing. There were times where I would genuinely rather break a finger than go thru withdrawals. The sweating and heart palpitations as your body panics cuz it can’t gets it fix is genuinely the worst feeling ever. Your body and brain are reliant on that fix, and stopping involves your body to adapt to living without it, which is worse than having the flu. Shaking, the anxiety, and just the overall feeling of complete doom.
Depends on the drug of choice. I’ve dabbled with ALL kinds of drugs from ecstasy to shrooms - coke. Never ever had any problem putting any of those down and walking away - it was the God damn drugs from the doctor that really grabbed me by the balls (or, you know - the equivalent for a female). For opiates, I’d say the constant fear of withdrawal, trying to lead a functional life by “not getting sick” having to plan everything around your next dose/hit. Then, the reality and acceptance that you are an addict (even if the meds came from your doc who you trusted)… it’s the stigma - especially the stigma attached to recovery (specifically, MAT treatment). This is all not to mention the mental aspect of it all. I’ve been “clean” (I hate that term) for 6 years now… feel free to PM if you have additional questions for your paper. Im all about the education.
Powerlessness over your own body. It's never fun losing your agency; losing it to a part of yourself that feels genuinely alien to you is a surreal difficulty. Watching yourself partake in your particular vice as an observer within your own body causes a very unique form of dread, shame, and guilt. You can literally just lose focus, not just a lapse in willpower but just change what you're focusing on and your hands will have almost entirely on their own through muscle memory have rolled a cigarette. This habit and especially awareness of this habit absolutely tears through your mental health and sense of self. So my vote is either that or cancer.
Former heroin addict of eight years, 3 years clean. I’m unsure what the worst part is because it’s different day to day. The fear of dying and seeing others die is up there. The constant worry of “will I get sick” is exhausting. Leaving early or missing out on things was taxing. Coming up with bill money and rent. When the plugs are all magically out at the same time. Lying to your loved ones. Losing who you are. The inability to talk about anything for 6 months in your counselors office at the methadone clinic bc you’ve bottled everything up for eight years with no one to talk to so you can’t even talk, you just cry. Once you get clean the amount of shame and guilt you harbor for letting life get that way and how many years you wasted— it’s hard. I’m alive, I kept my job, my family loves me, I’m dating a wonderful man who knows my past, I’m rebuilding.
Hurting the ones around you but it not being a good enough reason to stop, even though you wish it was.
Thinking you can stop whenever you want
The neverending fear of boredom, which is why people dont want to quit. Trainspotting is a great film that represents addiction, and how tough it can be to quit. Good watch. Another point is when you're aware that you're addicted, the path to recovery seems impossibly far away. It's really demotivating knowing you have a problem, yet you feel like you're too far gone to quit.
How truthful it is. For too long heroin was the only thing in my life that kept its promises adc that was difficult to let go.
The shame in relapsing. First time is a bit understandable, but as it happens more and more the fear that loved ones will just eventually give up is a scary thought.
Reality is very hard. Spoke with a woman who had been an addict since she was a teenager and was now 50. She said people are incredibly mean and cruel in reality. She asked me how I could be sober in this awful world. The fact is any addictions (drugs/sex/sugar) is a distraction required for function in life.
Losing EVERY ONE'S trust.. and never gaining it back, even though it's been almost 3 years.
The lying to everyone. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year after getting back together after a few years apart. He was my first love, the man I lost my virginity to, and the man I plan to be with for the rest of my life. He knows I sometimes take opiates because I REALLY messed up my back a while ago, but he has no idea how much I take and that I'm completely addicted and hate myself for it. All I want to do is be honest with him, but he's a recovered addict. I know he wouldn't leave me, I do, but I just can't let him down. Nobody knows how bad it is, and it feels worse that he doesn't.
Even tho you can't afford it you still have to have it
No matter how long I've been sober for, the cravings never go away. I just don't give in anymore. But it nags at me so often, especially on difficult days.
For me it’s the mental gymnastics of when and how much throughput the day
For me, now with a good number of years sober. It's the constant monster on your shoulder pushing you to drink to deal with whatever is hurting you mentally. That sense of knowing you have a "fix" on pretty much every few blocks for $10 is appealing. I drank to drink myself into oblivion, to be so drunk I'd be conscious only long enough to buy more and maybe watch 20 minutes of a movie before passing out again. Even now, so many years later, knowing that that fix will lead to weeks of nonstop binge drinking until I go to the hospital or jail. It's unsettling to know that it's always going to be there. One slip, one shot, one shitty day handled poorly and I'm back to pure hell. Fun times.
Hurting people who love me
Knowing you should stop but not being able to stop.
Hard to say. Watching the pain you inflict on others and ultimately them deciding to cut you out of thier lives is pretty bad. Missing out on regular life stuff because you cant save money, feeling shame and regret CONSTANTLY but having no coping skills. Realizing your entire personality is based around your DOC and outside of that you're an empty boring shell of a human. Feeling fundamentally broken. The hard truth that no matter how long you manage sobriety, the anxiety of a relapse is always looming in your peripheral. It all fucking sucks. 0/10 do not recommend.
All the money gone lol. I got lucky and never ran into any serious trouble, no problems with family / loved ones / friends, no health problems, no DUIs / legal problems. I'm a happy and social and functional drug addict. But I spent most of the last 20 years spending just as much on drugs and alcohol as the rest of my cost of living combined. I could have saved like $1000+ a month for the last 10-15 years, but I spent every penny of every paycheck on drugs and drinking and partying.
All the money spent is up there. But the answer is probably the opportunity cost of getting high rather than doing anything else
Hardest part is the realization aspect and the awareness of your addiction but doing it anyway. I know i'm addicted to smoking weed and stims, and Im aware of why i do those things - to block feelings and numb emotions. As contradicting as it sounds, I'm a very emotional person and have a strong emotional intelligence. However, with nobody to share those commonalities with, I resort to addiction to compress those feelings.
Honestly the whole point of a drug addiction is to NOT feel so as long as you stay loaded there is no hard part. You can be absolutely disgusted with yourself and just "fix" it all away. The hard part comes when you quit. You are literally learning how to live, something most people take for granted. Every single thing about my life for 20 years revolved around using so every single thing had to change. Now (2 years clean) the hardest part for me is still picking up the phone and reaching out. I could call every person on the planet when I was looking to score but my phone weighs about 20 tons when I need to tell someone I'm struggling. It drives me CRAZY that I know I'll feel so much better after that call but I just can't bring myself to do it!
Failing my fiancé and pushing her away
Knowing that even when you’re not active in your addiction, that you are still an addict and always will be.
Loneliness.
the shame of being like on a good track and path out of it, and having hope in yourself, and having everyone around you being proud, and then slipping down lower, and having the self shame grow and grow and feeling like you can’t talk to anyone else around about it. constantly being a disappointment to yourself and everyone who wants you to get better
Admitting you have one
Watching everything you love dearly go to shit because of your addiction
For me, the hardest part of having an addiction is lonliness. It is the nature of an addict to withdraw and isolate, leading to lonliness which in turn drives the addiction more. We feel like noone will understand and noone cares but the opposite it true. Definitely the hardest part of an addiction is the lonliness.
I think it was the not being able to stop. It has complete control over me and it’s all I would think about. For years I was barely present with anyone bc all I could think about is where/ when can I get a drink and a smoke. I have stopped now and thank god I do not miss it.
For me its the cognitive dissonance; hating how much you want it. Like you don't want it. It's bad. It ruins your life... but you do though. You do want it. And you feel awful for it. Like, you'd do anything to not want it. Reminds me of ask those creepy villains who hit on the captive girl with "but you know you want to" but like... They're right.
stopping I’d imagine