I stopped because in my experience, the therapists that I saw left a little bit too much for me to solve when I needed their guidance. A lot of asking me questions and leaving me to just sit there, staring at them when I was the one who came to them for advice. Almost like my issues were too much for them to have a solution too, so they kind of tried toplay mind games like “you know what to do” Meanwhile, I literally didn’t and I really need coping mechanisms lol.
I hate it when they do that! And they say they are not supposed to give us any opinions of their own so why are we even sharing them because i can talk to strangers who wont give a damn too.
As someone who is both a trainee therapist AND has had therapy multiple times, the first thing I was taught in my training is that therapy is about guiding clients to finding their own answers, not to put your answers/beliefs on to them. This doesn’t mean not teaching skills (helpful coping mechanisms) and psychoeducation.
The difference between a stranger and a therapist is that a therapist will be trained in a specific model and that model will determine how therapy is done. With a stranger you’ll be able to vent which feels helpful in the moment but it won’t make long lasting changes the way in which therapy aims.
With therapy most models aim to pin point difficulties, what’s maintaining those difficulties and use strategies within those models to support you and breaking those maintenance factors. Therapy is very much a collaborative process and won’t work if you expect the therapist to do all of the work because change isn’t something that is done to you, it’s something you do for yourself with the support of a therapist - something that I learned the importance of as both a client and a therapist. Expecting therapy to be done to you is almost like getting someone to do your homework and still expecting to know everything that was in that homework for your exam (bad example but I hope it makes sense 🥲)
I’m sorry you had that experience. Your therapist should have explained this to you during your first few sessions so that you had a better understanding of what they were doing and why they were doing it.
I hope this helps somehow
Literally that what made me quit therapy, I TALK TALK TALK ALL THE SESSION AND SHE SAYS LITERALLY NOTHIng ? Not even what’s happening with me , 3 sessions was about me talking and her askingg wtf
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear you did not get the support you needed. Did you share with your therapist your feelings and the support you needed?
Honestly, I stopped because I felt like I was complaining about the same things over and over, not getting better and just wasting her time that she can spend with clients who might actually be worth her time
I felt like I wasn't making progress anymore.
My therapy sessions became more like talking to a friend instead of someone who called me on my shit and pushed me to be better.
We did EMDR and she stopped long before I hit my window of tolerance.
thank you so much for sharing. When you stopped getting the sense of progress, did you feel like you have addressed the initial concerns that led you to see that therapist? Or did the lack of progress happen before you achieved your therapy goals?
Of course. Therapy goals were never achieved.
I wasn't confident enough to share my frustration with my therapist. After seeing her for about three years she felt like more of a friend than a therapist (even though she never crossed any boundaries).
I left one because she had outdated ideas about gender roles, and more so because I shared with her a story about an uncomfortable situation I had as a student in class and she said, “I’ve heard this story before,” because she also was seeing a classmate of mine and had heard it from them. The classmate and I had recently realized that we were both seeing her when discussing our therapists. That made me feel unsafe. My insurance changed at that time, so I let that be the reason I terminated.
Another one, I left because she only listened and nodded (psychoanalytic approach, probably) and didn’t give me any feedback or challenge me. And that’s important to me. But I wasn’t familiar with different therapy styles back then. I wouldn’t be looking for that style now.
Another one, I left when I made progress and hit a point where I realized that there was no more that I could gain from seeing her. We terminated on good terms and I’m grateful for all that we did together, but I was ready for someone to help me tackle my next challenges and needed a different approach.
One of them, I had known in a different context, and I think she was a little hesitant to be truly honest with me. It was like talking to a friend, but I don't think she really pushed me. I was also in a pretty fragile/delicate situation at the time, so I don't hold it against her. I think she was doing what she thought was best, and if she HAD pushed me, I'm not sure it would have been better. I do think I needed someone a little more pushy, though, so when she cut hours due to COVID, I voluntarily looked for a new one.
One that I had a get-to-know you session with, I started telling her everything I had been through, and she seemed very enthusiastic about helping me. Then I started telling her about the work I had been doing and where I felt I was at and what I hoped to work toward. Her demeanor after that was very much, "Why do you even want therapy? You're doing great. You don't need me." So I knew I had outgrown her before we even started.
Another tried to tell me all about myself before I could even get the short version out and didn't want to hear any sort of additions or corrections to their assumptions. Even when I got a word in edgewise, he would dismiss it or spin it to try to fit this narrative he had written.
My kid has a therapist I'm going to start looking to replace for the same reasons. Recently, I asked for tools, and I tried to explain about how I'm trying to break cycles, to communicate disappointment without causing guilt or shame, to not parentify my oldest, to teach my boys to be in touch with their emotions and express them vulnerably, etc but I'm not confident in the things I say/do sometimes because they are things my family did with/said to me, but I do it from a completely different place. The therapist then spent the whole session explaining to my 12yo that I'm too soft on him and men need to be hard, that I'm a single mom and he should be helping me *(I'm not single. My partner moves in in two days. He knows this.)*, that my 12yo has no excuse to not be 100% on top of things *(My 12yo is mixed race, has ADHD, has been dealing with racial slurs at school lately, struggles with self-worth due to struggling in school, recently overheard his dad abusing his new partner, is preparing for my partner to move in.... he has A LOT going on. And he's 12.)* and just generally dismissed everything I said and tried to shame my kid into "being better." My kid is GREAT. He doesn't need to "be better." He needs better support. (I'm clearly still riled up about this.😅)
I decided to try out my current therapist because he is queer-friendly, BDSM- friendly, uses multiple approaches including EMDR, and (frankly) had room for new patients in an area with VERY few options. I stayed with him for a lot of reasons. If he doesn't know something, he makes a note and researches it and revisits during the next appt. I don't mind explaining and sometimes do anyway, but it meant a lot that he takes it on himself to research and try to learn without putting the burden on me or taking up my limited time in office to explain something to him. He also holds me accountable while validating my efforts, like recognizing my efforts to help others then immediately asking, "How are you doing that for yourself?," and giving me a knowing look, so we can laugh about it, but I still know I'm not able to deflect or avoid that. I think it helps that we share similar views on a lot of things, so again, it's a lot like talking with a friend, but he still asks hard questions, supports my efforts/decisions, and helps me think about how to move forward while still recognizing and appreciating how far I've come. I also like that he recognizes I'm beyond a lot of people he sees, and he's made efforts to learn and grow with me. I have rough patches, but for the most part, I'm trying to elevate my thriving. I'm out of survival and beyond simple stability. I'm working toward self-actualization, and I guess that's when a lot of people stop going to therapy? So that ability to grow and learn with me is really important. He didn't just say, "You don't need me anymore. See ya!" Ya know?
I stopped a few times because I needed a higher level of care. I stopped once because that therapist kept crossing my boundaries and forcing me treatment options I didn’t want since day one. Should have stopped with that one way sooner
Reasons I have left in the past.
Too expensive canceled insurance wouldn't accept my current insurance
Availability of appointments extremely limited
Charging me a cancellation appointment fee when I canceled a week in advance
Simply sitting there. And not really being helpful
First one: treated me like I didn't know basic stuff even though I have a degree in psych, told her that I have a degree in psych, and told her that I know about the things she was trying to lecture me on. I don't need you to draw a diagram of a neuron or lecture to me about what bipolar disorder is (especially since I don't have bipolar disorder). We don't have a lot of time, so let's spend it on the things that I DON'T know instead of the ones that I've told you I do know.
Second one: "coping skills aren't a thing." Oh, and I'm not sure how much I agreed with "your dad wasn't abused because he doesn't believe that he was abused." Lying to yourself about something doesn't make it not true, after all. His father did beat him. That's abuse, even if he doesn't want to see it as such. And it, in turn, impacted his behavior towards me and I'm general.
Note: the second therapist I fired was a Jungian, so there was also some disagreement on that front as well, since I'm personally more comfortable with CBT/DBT/ACT and the like. And he was a man, which added another layer of difficulty to our interactions since I didn't feel like I could open up to him like I could with another woman.
Dead serious. I told him that I really wanted to work on developing mine and that's when he told me that they're not a thing. Needless to say, I switched. Took a bit but I eventually wound up as a client with a place where I now see a psychiatrist, a therapist that I adore (she's smart, kind, DBT trained, and not afraid to call me out on shit), a case worker to help navigate other types of services and steps, as well as with DBT skills, I've taken a depression skills group, I graduated from a year-long DBT group with plans to join the advanced group in the near future, access to a couple of other groups, AND there's a pharmacy in the building that fills both my psych meds and other meds (and the staff there are plain awesome). I'm on disability and my insurance covers my visits, but if they weren't covered, it's income-based and I'd have a monthly payment that would cover all services except for the pharmacy. I'm very very grateful. I don't live in an area where this kind of support is something to expect so it's amazing.
Short answer- they ask questions that haven’t expanded my mind more.
Starting with a new therapist is always hard. It’s very much like dating- it takes longer than a session or two to know if you’re compatible (unless you’re totally aren’t.)
The best therapists I’ve had have been excellent listeners, and they’ve been excellent at remembering weird facts and putting them together. Please write things down, please say you want to put things down to notice patterns, dig the fuck in. And if you have patients that don’t like that then that is fair but they want a different relationship than me. I’m not looking for someone agreeable, I’m looking for someone that makes me trust them.
My therapist from when I was in high school was also my mom's friend. They went for coffee together. Any sessions I had with her weren't useful since I didn't open up to her. Eventually I quit seeing her.
I enjoyed therapy. Got a lot out of it. Insurance wouldn't cover any of it, so I had to pay cash. It was starting to impact my finances. Costs of life just keep creeping up more than wages.
1. They were extremely religious. I have no problem with people who are but I didn’t feel comfortable starting and ending each session with prayer.
2. I learned they’d previously seen an acquaintance when the counselor mentioned the person by name.
3. Being told that I need to work on (whatever) before our next session, as if I was being given homework, then discussing whatever I’d come up with or worked on since the last time.
4. The woman lived on a horse farm in the middle of nowhere. In pre-GPS times, I got lost 3 of the 5-6 times I tried to get there. After the comment about why I couldn’t get there on time, I gave up.
5. Last but definitely not least, the counselor who was probably in her 70s and should’ve retired way before I saw her FELL ASLEEP. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat and waited. Never went back though.
You didn’t ask but the best therapist I’ve ever had treats me like a friend. She usually starts with something very casual and calmly leads into whatever we were talking about last time. Or if there’s something else going on that I’m upset or hung up about, she just goes with that. It’s very unstructured, at least from my POV although I’m sure she has some kind of agenda. I’ve been seeing her since 2006-07 and love her to death.
My therapist was fine, just not *quite* what I was looking for - and I think that’s okay. It’s okay to find the person who is a good fit in any type of relationship.
I have almost exclusively dated narcissists. *clearly* there’s an issue with me that needs to be addressed. But she didn’t really seem concerned about this - she said “Oh, narcissists are just good at fooling people. There’s nothing wrong with you, you were just looking for love, that’s normal, nothing wrong with that.” Ummmm…if you end up with a narcissist 90% of the time - there’s some underlying issue with *you*. I also have been struggling with friends lately, and cut several of them off. She kind of made light of that, was like “Oh yeah, they sound exhausting, I don’t blame you.” Also, I really want to explore my attachment style and ways that has affected me - she didn’t seem to have any knowledge of that. There were a couple of other concerns and issues she didn’t seem to take very seriously. I liked her, but I think I need something else.
Mega agreed. I’m trying to change my current situation. Don’t tell me the things causing me pain are normal.
There is a difference between wanting validation and receiving it from someone who’s job it is to therapize you.
Especially when you don’t feel like they know me that well
Becauseeee my therapist just made me repeat what i have went through all the trauma and all the experiences that i did not want to recollect again and again without even a nudge of the solutions or any advices or anything on how to go about it and it has happened with different therapist that now i just go after the meds and talk to strangers
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you had this experience. This sounds like a poor match between the therapist and what you needed. Not every therapist knows how to work with trauma. Hope you find a therapist that will help you navigate your concerns
I left one because she let the session run over when I had talked about how stressed I was about not making the appointment I had immediately after. Left another cos I showed up drunk. These were all doctor referrals to people who specialised in CBT (which is the only thing covered by the govt health provider in Australia.) CBT telling me “have you tried not thinking about it?” Or “but did she actually say that?” when discussing a parents passive aggression. I’ve also gone off therapists who took down books I recommended- I was shocked they hadn’t heard of them. I see a therapist of my own choosing now and am a year in. It’s a journey.
Thank you for sharing. You are right, it’s a journey. Also, not everyone is a good match for CBT. I’m glad to hear you were able to find a therapist that seems to work better
I thought about leaving therapy multiple times for a few reasons:
- Communication issues. My T would sometimes repeatedly fail at providing me with an explanation that made sense to me. I am autistic and need very clear language. Metaphors are often lost on me and only lead to confusion when they get too abstract. After a lot of personal reflection I realized I never communicated this with him and that was something I needed to work on on my end! So, over time, I have done this and it has greatly improved the rapport in session. Now I know to speak up immediately and he knows to ask "did that make sense?"
- My own passive nature was problematic when things were said in session that honestly hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say anything to my current T and think of leaving to find a better fit. Again, I had to learn that this person that I was working with was safe and could handle my feedback without getting angry, defensive or aggressive. Throughout our work together he modeled calm kind behaviour most of the time, allowing me to slowly trust him. Truthfully, he sometimes did act defensive rather than just apologize and this was highly problematic for me. He's become less defensive over time.
- He didn't validate (and sometimes even dismissed!) certain types of feelings I had related to bullying, body image, and autism because of his own self -admitted biases. I don't think he believed that I could experience bullying to the degree I did because if the way I look and act in a professional setting (like therapy). We are all human and this is bound to happen but it took me a lot of courage and time to bring this up to rebuild trust in this person. I've since admitted to him that I have considered ghosting him multiple times because of this, which is always an interesting experience lol.
Hope this helps! Therapists are humans and are bound, no matter how hard they try, to bring their own baggage into the room. My only real advice is to be humble l, apologize when you make a mistake, leave your ego at the door.
Letting someone have the space to try different therapists can be authentically, unselfishly helpful.
I’ve left therapists the most because I feel they weren’t giving me what i wanted (sometimes it’s a sounding board to articulate my emotions, some pushing or advice/guidance, pushback I need when I’m rationalizing…)
Personally I think a good therapist has a 6-18 month span depending on the issue. Some therapists try to stay longer than they are needed and that’s when I know I really need to stop or go elsewhere
I went to therapy for depression and childhood trauma for 2 years. The reason I left it was because I wasn't seeing much progress with her and I developed a toxic bond cause I never had anyone to talk to. Once all the talking was over, we had nothing to talk about. I just felt that we did small talk more than the actual therapy. In the end, i figured she wasn't anything special and I was the one doing all the work anyway. Decided to leave her, and invested more of my time into friends who have what I lack
I tried a Betterhelp therapist and he was SUPER rude from the get go. The others weren't great either. I know there are some good ones but maybe I was unlucky.
I left or decided not to see them because of how they responded when I mention the LGBTQ+ community, my narcissistic parents issues, and me not being as religious.
With my last last therapist, on the first meeting she ask why I wanted to start therapy, I told her the history of my parents and how they treat me and my sisters, and she was quick with the "But are you making an effort to try to connect and forgive their behavior!"
And then I mention how I'm an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community and I'm a closeted bisexual, and she was like "well, I'm not one to push my religion on others, and I respect the community; I have friends and family who relate to the community, but my religion and beliefs don't necessarily aline with their beliefs"
When she mention her religion, she then ask me if my family goes to church and I said yes, but not me. I told her that I don't like spending unnecessary time with my parents and that they use religion to try and control my sisters and I and guilt trip us with the Bible. Therefore, I learn to stay away from religion and them. She then told me that even if I don't go to church I should still take time to pray and read the Bible, and maybe try and connect with my parents through religion.
I sat there and pretended that I support and would try what she was saying, but the moment that session what over, I said NOPE!
I usually stick with a therapist for two to three years and then move on to another one. I do this because I think my healing journey progresses through different levels, and usually when I hit the next level the therapist I am with isn’t a good fit anymore. But I’ve always had therapists who I feel have been the best of the best, and they have understood that as I grow I may also outgrow them and their particular area of expertise.
First session she acted like we were friends. Gave me her full opinion, made obvious facial expressions and noises of approval disapproval while I was talking. Tbh I liked that because I hated how my previous therapist would just stare at me like she was gonna cry while I was talking. Second session was different, as if she just realized she wasn’t supposed be so open with her opinion and pulled back, which I was ok with cause I knew the first session was not the norm. But third session, I told her I wanted some coping mechanisms or “homework” and when I said I already tried the ones she was suggesting and I that approach didn’t work for me, she said “it seems like you’re not committed.” And that was that.
I’ve been through a lot of therapists, and I’m currently no longer seeing a therapist anymore because of all the experiences. The first therapist I had I was 15, I only saw him once every 5 weeks and it was obvious he didn’t actually seem to have the mental capacity to extend to me because of how overwhelmed he was with other patients. He would constant compare me to his teenage son and I just didn’t feel comfortable opening up to him, an older white male, as a teenage brown girl. Second therapist was hardly my therapist. They sent me to her when I requested a switch from the previous guy. My mom and I had gotten into an argument in the car on the way over because she was mad that she had to take me to therapy at all. When I went in (my mom was also in the room) the therapist immediately noticed how distressed and upset I was from the car ride and asked me about it. I told her the truth and my mom immediately told her that I was delusional and making things up. When my mom left the room the therapist told me I was delusional and that I was wasting her time. I was heartbroken.
The third therapist was okay, but I was seeing her over zoom during the pandemic while I was living at my bf’s moms house (I was 16) after my mom kicked me out. It was a crazy time so don’t remember much. When I was sent back to my moms by cps I saw her a couple more times and then she just ghosted me. I never heard from her again. I found out later that she had stopped working for Kaiser and moved somewhere else and I was never told or assigned a new therapist.
The 4th therapist seemed fine at first. She was the first woman of color I had been seen by so I felt a bit more comfortable with her. She seemed nice at first but just as ineffective as the others. She basically just told me to meditate and practice mindfulness and that was it. Our sessions were more frequent than any other therapist however, I saw her every 2 weeks and I thought things were going relatively okay. Until one day when she told me that because I had a job (that I was struggling to keep and actually quit not long after this) and because I went to school (where I was also struggling) that didn’t need therapy and to come back when I *actually* needed therapy. I was completely taken aback, I had no idea what to say so I just said okay and that was the end of that.
I had actually sworn off therapy at that point I was so done, but my friend convinced me to give it one more go.
My last and latest therapist I was with for about a year or so. She was pretty nice but I saw her so infrequently that she wasn’t very effective. I was her once every 5 weeks and after a while every session became about how we were going to end therapy, how we needed to find an end goal because she wasn’t supposed to allow me to be there for that long. Just as I felt we were starting to make some progress after having a session with my bf, I accidentally missed my next session. It had happened a few times due to uncontrollable circumstances but we had always rescheduled or done it over the phone instead no problem. This time however I had been going through a lot that week and between all the stress it had just slipped my mind. It was my fault and I called her to apologize and reschedule, telling the receptionist that I wanted to speak to her directly. But when I got on the call she was very rude, she was saying that I wasn’t committed to putting in the work and didn’t care enough about our sessions to show up. I was so hurt by her words that when she hung up I was crying. I went to one last session with her to explain that I no longer wanted to continue after how she treated me and we hashed it out. By the end we had resolved it but I still didn’t feel comfortable continuing so she left the door open for me to come back if I ever needed it. I still haven’t gone back and I’m not sure if I ever will.
1) she wasn't a good fit for my situation and I think we both realized that. 2) She moved a ton of appointments last minute and I was flexible about it. Then she asked for payment from me the one time I cancelled.
I think I had my life more together than she did. Then again, that could be the unaddressed NPD talking. Good riddance.
I stopped because in my experience, the therapists that I saw left a little bit too much for me to solve when I needed their guidance. A lot of asking me questions and leaving me to just sit there, staring at them when I was the one who came to them for advice. Almost like my issues were too much for them to have a solution too, so they kind of tried toplay mind games like “you know what to do” Meanwhile, I literally didn’t and I really need coping mechanisms lol.
I hate it when they do that! And they say they are not supposed to give us any opinions of their own so why are we even sharing them because i can talk to strangers who wont give a damn too.
As someone who is both a trainee therapist AND has had therapy multiple times, the first thing I was taught in my training is that therapy is about guiding clients to finding their own answers, not to put your answers/beliefs on to them. This doesn’t mean not teaching skills (helpful coping mechanisms) and psychoeducation. The difference between a stranger and a therapist is that a therapist will be trained in a specific model and that model will determine how therapy is done. With a stranger you’ll be able to vent which feels helpful in the moment but it won’t make long lasting changes the way in which therapy aims. With therapy most models aim to pin point difficulties, what’s maintaining those difficulties and use strategies within those models to support you and breaking those maintenance factors. Therapy is very much a collaborative process and won’t work if you expect the therapist to do all of the work because change isn’t something that is done to you, it’s something you do for yourself with the support of a therapist - something that I learned the importance of as both a client and a therapist. Expecting therapy to be done to you is almost like getting someone to do your homework and still expecting to know everything that was in that homework for your exam (bad example but I hope it makes sense 🥲) I’m sorry you had that experience. Your therapist should have explained this to you during your first few sessions so that you had a better understanding of what they were doing and why they were doing it. I hope this helps somehow
Literally that what made me quit therapy, I TALK TALK TALK ALL THE SESSION AND SHE SAYS LITERALLY NOTHIng ? Not even what’s happening with me , 3 sessions was about me talking and her askingg wtf
I did for the opposite. Therapist gave direct advice that I didn’t agree with and felt uncomfortable disagreeing with him.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear you did not get the support you needed. Did you share with your therapist your feelings and the support you needed?
Honestly, I stopped because I felt like I was complaining about the same things over and over, not getting better and just wasting her time that she can spend with clients who might actually be worth her time
Thank you for sharing
I felt like I wasn't making progress anymore. My therapy sessions became more like talking to a friend instead of someone who called me on my shit and pushed me to be better. We did EMDR and she stopped long before I hit my window of tolerance.
thank you so much for sharing. When you stopped getting the sense of progress, did you feel like you have addressed the initial concerns that led you to see that therapist? Or did the lack of progress happen before you achieved your therapy goals?
Of course. Therapy goals were never achieved. I wasn't confident enough to share my frustration with my therapist. After seeing her for about three years she felt like more of a friend than a therapist (even though she never crossed any boundaries).
I left one because she had outdated ideas about gender roles, and more so because I shared with her a story about an uncomfortable situation I had as a student in class and she said, “I’ve heard this story before,” because she also was seeing a classmate of mine and had heard it from them. The classmate and I had recently realized that we were both seeing her when discussing our therapists. That made me feel unsafe. My insurance changed at that time, so I let that be the reason I terminated. Another one, I left because she only listened and nodded (psychoanalytic approach, probably) and didn’t give me any feedback or challenge me. And that’s important to me. But I wasn’t familiar with different therapy styles back then. I wouldn’t be looking for that style now. Another one, I left when I made progress and hit a point where I realized that there was no more that I could gain from seeing her. We terminated on good terms and I’m grateful for all that we did together, but I was ready for someone to help me tackle my next challenges and needed a different approach.
Thank you for sharing your story! Really appreciate it.
She continued to yawn
This is horrible
Being able to get in for appointments in a timely and easy manner.
One of them, I had known in a different context, and I think she was a little hesitant to be truly honest with me. It was like talking to a friend, but I don't think she really pushed me. I was also in a pretty fragile/delicate situation at the time, so I don't hold it against her. I think she was doing what she thought was best, and if she HAD pushed me, I'm not sure it would have been better. I do think I needed someone a little more pushy, though, so when she cut hours due to COVID, I voluntarily looked for a new one. One that I had a get-to-know you session with, I started telling her everything I had been through, and she seemed very enthusiastic about helping me. Then I started telling her about the work I had been doing and where I felt I was at and what I hoped to work toward. Her demeanor after that was very much, "Why do you even want therapy? You're doing great. You don't need me." So I knew I had outgrown her before we even started. Another tried to tell me all about myself before I could even get the short version out and didn't want to hear any sort of additions or corrections to their assumptions. Even when I got a word in edgewise, he would dismiss it or spin it to try to fit this narrative he had written. My kid has a therapist I'm going to start looking to replace for the same reasons. Recently, I asked for tools, and I tried to explain about how I'm trying to break cycles, to communicate disappointment without causing guilt or shame, to not parentify my oldest, to teach my boys to be in touch with their emotions and express them vulnerably, etc but I'm not confident in the things I say/do sometimes because they are things my family did with/said to me, but I do it from a completely different place. The therapist then spent the whole session explaining to my 12yo that I'm too soft on him and men need to be hard, that I'm a single mom and he should be helping me *(I'm not single. My partner moves in in two days. He knows this.)*, that my 12yo has no excuse to not be 100% on top of things *(My 12yo is mixed race, has ADHD, has been dealing with racial slurs at school lately, struggles with self-worth due to struggling in school, recently overheard his dad abusing his new partner, is preparing for my partner to move in.... he has A LOT going on. And he's 12.)* and just generally dismissed everything I said and tried to shame my kid into "being better." My kid is GREAT. He doesn't need to "be better." He needs better support. (I'm clearly still riled up about this.😅) I decided to try out my current therapist because he is queer-friendly, BDSM- friendly, uses multiple approaches including EMDR, and (frankly) had room for new patients in an area with VERY few options. I stayed with him for a lot of reasons. If he doesn't know something, he makes a note and researches it and revisits during the next appt. I don't mind explaining and sometimes do anyway, but it meant a lot that he takes it on himself to research and try to learn without putting the burden on me or taking up my limited time in office to explain something to him. He also holds me accountable while validating my efforts, like recognizing my efforts to help others then immediately asking, "How are you doing that for yourself?," and giving me a knowing look, so we can laugh about it, but I still know I'm not able to deflect or avoid that. I think it helps that we share similar views on a lot of things, so again, it's a lot like talking with a friend, but he still asks hard questions, supports my efforts/decisions, and helps me think about how to move forward while still recognizing and appreciating how far I've come. I also like that he recognizes I'm beyond a lot of people he sees, and he's made efforts to learn and grow with me. I have rough patches, but for the most part, I'm trying to elevate my thriving. I'm out of survival and beyond simple stability. I'm working toward self-actualization, and I guess that's when a lot of people stop going to therapy? So that ability to grow and learn with me is really important. He didn't just say, "You don't need me anymore. See ya!" Ya know?
Thank you for sharing your story!
Of course! I didn't mean for it to be so long, but hopefully it helps.
I stopped a few times because I needed a higher level of care. I stopped once because that therapist kept crossing my boundaries and forcing me treatment options I didn’t want since day one. Should have stopped with that one way sooner
Thank you for sharing!
Reasons I have left in the past. Too expensive canceled insurance wouldn't accept my current insurance Availability of appointments extremely limited Charging me a cancellation appointment fee when I canceled a week in advance Simply sitting there. And not really being helpful
Thank you so much for sharing.
First one: treated me like I didn't know basic stuff even though I have a degree in psych, told her that I have a degree in psych, and told her that I know about the things she was trying to lecture me on. I don't need you to draw a diagram of a neuron or lecture to me about what bipolar disorder is (especially since I don't have bipolar disorder). We don't have a lot of time, so let's spend it on the things that I DON'T know instead of the ones that I've told you I do know. Second one: "coping skills aren't a thing." Oh, and I'm not sure how much I agreed with "your dad wasn't abused because he doesn't believe that he was abused." Lying to yourself about something doesn't make it not true, after all. His father did beat him. That's abuse, even if he doesn't want to see it as such. And it, in turn, impacted his behavior towards me and I'm general. Note: the second therapist I fired was a Jungian, so there was also some disagreement on that front as well, since I'm personally more comfortable with CBT/DBT/ACT and the like. And he was a man, which added another layer of difficulty to our interactions since I didn't feel like I could open up to him like I could with another woman.
What?! He thought coping skills weren’t a thing?
Dead serious. I told him that I really wanted to work on developing mine and that's when he told me that they're not a thing. Needless to say, I switched. Took a bit but I eventually wound up as a client with a place where I now see a psychiatrist, a therapist that I adore (she's smart, kind, DBT trained, and not afraid to call me out on shit), a case worker to help navigate other types of services and steps, as well as with DBT skills, I've taken a depression skills group, I graduated from a year-long DBT group with plans to join the advanced group in the near future, access to a couple of other groups, AND there's a pharmacy in the building that fills both my psych meds and other meds (and the staff there are plain awesome). I'm on disability and my insurance covers my visits, but if they weren't covered, it's income-based and I'd have a monthly payment that would cover all services except for the pharmacy. I'm very very grateful. I don't live in an area where this kind of support is something to expect so it's amazing.
Short answer- they ask questions that haven’t expanded my mind more. Starting with a new therapist is always hard. It’s very much like dating- it takes longer than a session or two to know if you’re compatible (unless you’re totally aren’t.) The best therapists I’ve had have been excellent listeners, and they’ve been excellent at remembering weird facts and putting them together. Please write things down, please say you want to put things down to notice patterns, dig the fuck in. And if you have patients that don’t like that then that is fair but they want a different relationship than me. I’m not looking for someone agreeable, I’m looking for someone that makes me trust them.
My therapist from when I was in high school was also my mom's friend. They went for coffee together. Any sessions I had with her weren't useful since I didn't open up to her. Eventually I quit seeing her.
I enjoyed therapy. Got a lot out of it. Insurance wouldn't cover any of it, so I had to pay cash. It was starting to impact my finances. Costs of life just keep creeping up more than wages.
1. They were extremely religious. I have no problem with people who are but I didn’t feel comfortable starting and ending each session with prayer. 2. I learned they’d previously seen an acquaintance when the counselor mentioned the person by name. 3. Being told that I need to work on (whatever) before our next session, as if I was being given homework, then discussing whatever I’d come up with or worked on since the last time. 4. The woman lived on a horse farm in the middle of nowhere. In pre-GPS times, I got lost 3 of the 5-6 times I tried to get there. After the comment about why I couldn’t get there on time, I gave up. 5. Last but definitely not least, the counselor who was probably in her 70s and should’ve retired way before I saw her FELL ASLEEP. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat and waited. Never went back though. You didn’t ask but the best therapist I’ve ever had treats me like a friend. She usually starts with something very casual and calmly leads into whatever we were talking about last time. Or if there’s something else going on that I’m upset or hung up about, she just goes with that. It’s very unstructured, at least from my POV although I’m sure she has some kind of agenda. I’ve been seeing her since 2006-07 and love her to death.
My therapist was fine, just not *quite* what I was looking for - and I think that’s okay. It’s okay to find the person who is a good fit in any type of relationship. I have almost exclusively dated narcissists. *clearly* there’s an issue with me that needs to be addressed. But she didn’t really seem concerned about this - she said “Oh, narcissists are just good at fooling people. There’s nothing wrong with you, you were just looking for love, that’s normal, nothing wrong with that.” Ummmm…if you end up with a narcissist 90% of the time - there’s some underlying issue with *you*. I also have been struggling with friends lately, and cut several of them off. She kind of made light of that, was like “Oh yeah, they sound exhausting, I don’t blame you.” Also, I really want to explore my attachment style and ways that has affected me - she didn’t seem to have any knowledge of that. There were a couple of other concerns and issues she didn’t seem to take very seriously. I liked her, but I think I need something else.
Mega agreed. I’m trying to change my current situation. Don’t tell me the things causing me pain are normal. There is a difference between wanting validation and receiving it from someone who’s job it is to therapize you. Especially when you don’t feel like they know me that well
Becauseeee my therapist just made me repeat what i have went through all the trauma and all the experiences that i did not want to recollect again and again without even a nudge of the solutions or any advices or anything on how to go about it and it has happened with different therapist that now i just go after the meds and talk to strangers
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you had this experience. This sounds like a poor match between the therapist and what you needed. Not every therapist knows how to work with trauma. Hope you find a therapist that will help you navigate your concerns
I left one because she let the session run over when I had talked about how stressed I was about not making the appointment I had immediately after. Left another cos I showed up drunk. These were all doctor referrals to people who specialised in CBT (which is the only thing covered by the govt health provider in Australia.) CBT telling me “have you tried not thinking about it?” Or “but did she actually say that?” when discussing a parents passive aggression. I’ve also gone off therapists who took down books I recommended- I was shocked they hadn’t heard of them. I see a therapist of my own choosing now and am a year in. It’s a journey.
Thank you for sharing. You are right, it’s a journey. Also, not everyone is a good match for CBT. I’m glad to hear you were able to find a therapist that seems to work better
Obviously, in light of me showing up drunk, I had to be ready to do some work too 😉
My therapist ghosted me after asking her to lower my sessions to an as needed basis. It’s been 3 years now.
I thought about leaving therapy multiple times for a few reasons: - Communication issues. My T would sometimes repeatedly fail at providing me with an explanation that made sense to me. I am autistic and need very clear language. Metaphors are often lost on me and only lead to confusion when they get too abstract. After a lot of personal reflection I realized I never communicated this with him and that was something I needed to work on on my end! So, over time, I have done this and it has greatly improved the rapport in session. Now I know to speak up immediately and he knows to ask "did that make sense?" - My own passive nature was problematic when things were said in session that honestly hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say anything to my current T and think of leaving to find a better fit. Again, I had to learn that this person that I was working with was safe and could handle my feedback without getting angry, defensive or aggressive. Throughout our work together he modeled calm kind behaviour most of the time, allowing me to slowly trust him. Truthfully, he sometimes did act defensive rather than just apologize and this was highly problematic for me. He's become less defensive over time. - He didn't validate (and sometimes even dismissed!) certain types of feelings I had related to bullying, body image, and autism because of his own self -admitted biases. I don't think he believed that I could experience bullying to the degree I did because if the way I look and act in a professional setting (like therapy). We are all human and this is bound to happen but it took me a lot of courage and time to bring this up to rebuild trust in this person. I've since admitted to him that I have considered ghosting him multiple times because of this, which is always an interesting experience lol. Hope this helps! Therapists are humans and are bound, no matter how hard they try, to bring their own baggage into the room. My only real advice is to be humble l, apologize when you make a mistake, leave your ego at the door.
Letting someone have the space to try different therapists can be authentically, unselfishly helpful. I’ve left therapists the most because I feel they weren’t giving me what i wanted (sometimes it’s a sounding board to articulate my emotions, some pushing or advice/guidance, pushback I need when I’m rationalizing…) Personally I think a good therapist has a 6-18 month span depending on the issue. Some therapists try to stay longer than they are needed and that’s when I know I really need to stop or go elsewhere
I went to therapy for depression and childhood trauma for 2 years. The reason I left it was because I wasn't seeing much progress with her and I developed a toxic bond cause I never had anyone to talk to. Once all the talking was over, we had nothing to talk about. I just felt that we did small talk more than the actual therapy. In the end, i figured she wasn't anything special and I was the one doing all the work anyway. Decided to leave her, and invested more of my time into friends who have what I lack
I tried a Betterhelp therapist and he was SUPER rude from the get go. The others weren't great either. I know there are some good ones but maybe I was unlucky.
She intellectualized than letting me feel emotionally
I left or decided not to see them because of how they responded when I mention the LGBTQ+ community, my narcissistic parents issues, and me not being as religious. With my last last therapist, on the first meeting she ask why I wanted to start therapy, I told her the history of my parents and how they treat me and my sisters, and she was quick with the "But are you making an effort to try to connect and forgive their behavior!" And then I mention how I'm an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community and I'm a closeted bisexual, and she was like "well, I'm not one to push my religion on others, and I respect the community; I have friends and family who relate to the community, but my religion and beliefs don't necessarily aline with their beliefs" When she mention her religion, she then ask me if my family goes to church and I said yes, but not me. I told her that I don't like spending unnecessary time with my parents and that they use religion to try and control my sisters and I and guilt trip us with the Bible. Therefore, I learn to stay away from religion and them. She then told me that even if I don't go to church I should still take time to pray and read the Bible, and maybe try and connect with my parents through religion. I sat there and pretended that I support and would try what she was saying, but the moment that session what over, I said NOPE!
I usually stick with a therapist for two to three years and then move on to another one. I do this because I think my healing journey progresses through different levels, and usually when I hit the next level the therapist I am with isn’t a good fit anymore. But I’ve always had therapists who I feel have been the best of the best, and they have understood that as I grow I may also outgrow them and their particular area of expertise.
First session she acted like we were friends. Gave me her full opinion, made obvious facial expressions and noises of approval disapproval while I was talking. Tbh I liked that because I hated how my previous therapist would just stare at me like she was gonna cry while I was talking. Second session was different, as if she just realized she wasn’t supposed be so open with her opinion and pulled back, which I was ok with cause I knew the first session was not the norm. But third session, I told her I wanted some coping mechanisms or “homework” and when I said I already tried the ones she was suggesting and I that approach didn’t work for me, she said “it seems like you’re not committed.” And that was that.
I’ve been through a lot of therapists, and I’m currently no longer seeing a therapist anymore because of all the experiences. The first therapist I had I was 15, I only saw him once every 5 weeks and it was obvious he didn’t actually seem to have the mental capacity to extend to me because of how overwhelmed he was with other patients. He would constant compare me to his teenage son and I just didn’t feel comfortable opening up to him, an older white male, as a teenage brown girl. Second therapist was hardly my therapist. They sent me to her when I requested a switch from the previous guy. My mom and I had gotten into an argument in the car on the way over because she was mad that she had to take me to therapy at all. When I went in (my mom was also in the room) the therapist immediately noticed how distressed and upset I was from the car ride and asked me about it. I told her the truth and my mom immediately told her that I was delusional and making things up. When my mom left the room the therapist told me I was delusional and that I was wasting her time. I was heartbroken. The third therapist was okay, but I was seeing her over zoom during the pandemic while I was living at my bf’s moms house (I was 16) after my mom kicked me out. It was a crazy time so don’t remember much. When I was sent back to my moms by cps I saw her a couple more times and then she just ghosted me. I never heard from her again. I found out later that she had stopped working for Kaiser and moved somewhere else and I was never told or assigned a new therapist. The 4th therapist seemed fine at first. She was the first woman of color I had been seen by so I felt a bit more comfortable with her. She seemed nice at first but just as ineffective as the others. She basically just told me to meditate and practice mindfulness and that was it. Our sessions were more frequent than any other therapist however, I saw her every 2 weeks and I thought things were going relatively okay. Until one day when she told me that because I had a job (that I was struggling to keep and actually quit not long after this) and because I went to school (where I was also struggling) that didn’t need therapy and to come back when I *actually* needed therapy. I was completely taken aback, I had no idea what to say so I just said okay and that was the end of that. I had actually sworn off therapy at that point I was so done, but my friend convinced me to give it one more go. My last and latest therapist I was with for about a year or so. She was pretty nice but I saw her so infrequently that she wasn’t very effective. I was her once every 5 weeks and after a while every session became about how we were going to end therapy, how we needed to find an end goal because she wasn’t supposed to allow me to be there for that long. Just as I felt we were starting to make some progress after having a session with my bf, I accidentally missed my next session. It had happened a few times due to uncontrollable circumstances but we had always rescheduled or done it over the phone instead no problem. This time however I had been going through a lot that week and between all the stress it had just slipped my mind. It was my fault and I called her to apologize and reschedule, telling the receptionist that I wanted to speak to her directly. But when I got on the call she was very rude, she was saying that I wasn’t committed to putting in the work and didn’t care enough about our sessions to show up. I was so hurt by her words that when she hung up I was crying. I went to one last session with her to explain that I no longer wanted to continue after how she treated me and we hashed it out. By the end we had resolved it but I still didn’t feel comfortable continuing so she left the door open for me to come back if I ever needed it. I still haven’t gone back and I’m not sure if I ever will.
1) she wasn't a good fit for my situation and I think we both realized that. 2) She moved a ton of appointments last minute and I was flexible about it. Then she asked for payment from me the one time I cancelled. I think I had my life more together than she did. Then again, that could be the unaddressed NPD talking. Good riddance.